KILL TONY - #618 - TREVOR WALLACE + BRIAN SIMPSON

Episode Date: July 11, 2023

Trevor Wallace, Brian Simpson, Kam Patterson, Paul Deemer, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, Hans Kim, David Lucas, William Montgomery, Jon Deas, Matthew Muehling, Jules Durel, Joe White, Kristie Nova, Yoni, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – 06/19/2023THIS EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY:EXPRESSVPN.COM – GET 3 FREE MONTHS BY GOING TO: EXPRESSVPN.COM/KILLTONY—HELLOFRESH.COM – Go to HELLOFRESH.COM/TONY16 and use code “tony16” for 16 free meals plus free shipping!

Hey, this is RedBan and you are listening to the Desquad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Desquad.tv. If you want to check out our merch, go to shop squad.tv for Desquad merch and tour dates or go to Kill Merch for all the Kill Tony merch, including posters, hats, shirts and hoodies, KillCliff.com I have a brand new comedy club. It's next door to the mothership. It's called the Sunset Strip Comedy Club. You can check out my secret show every Thursday at the Sunset Strip Comedy Club. You can check out my secret show every Thursday.

I have a brand new comedy club. I have a brand new comedy club. It's next door to the mothership. It's called the Sunset Strip Comedy Club, you can check out my secret show every Thursday at the Sunset Strip, or go to sunsetstripatx.com for more information. And now here's a brand new episode of Killtony.

Hey y'all, all around the world, good news, we are doing another massive ticket drop for Monday tapings at the mothership, the true home of Killtoni. These all sold out in minutes last time we did it. We expect the very same to happen. Again, pre-sale begins July 14th at noon, central time, using the promo code 60 seconds, that's 60 seconds, promo code, July 14th at noon. Ensaal to the rest of the public, if there's still any left. On July 15th at noon, these are for the Monday shows for all of October, November, December and January. So if you're planning a trip to Austin, Texas,

or you're going to take a trip to Austin, Texas because you got tickets to Kiltoni, this is your time to do it. Again, July 14th at noon using the promo code 60 seconds and on sale to the Normies on July 15th at noon. Join us on the right of a lifetime. Go to comedymothership your chance to get to get to get to know Tony and I was to get this thing around the world. Not gonna last much longer. Music Hey, this is Red Band, come to you live from the comedy mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony, get it up for Tony, it's Clare! Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives tonight, huh?

Eeeepie! Here we go again, make some noise to Red Band everybody! Hey! Here at the number one live podcast in the world. It's called Killtony and it's brought to you by the Red Rose, the Yellow Rose, Austin Security Guard Service, Gel Blaster, CM Smokehouse, and Screwball PNP Whiskey, which presents the Killtony Band, everybody, huh? You guys get to listen to that magic. That's Michael Gonzalez on the drums right there. The great Paul Deemer on the horns. Matt Muleing on the electric guitar. John Bees on the keys.

And that right there is the undeniable de-madness ladies and gentlemen. Undeniable. We have an unbelievable show for you before we start. Here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made tonight's episode available for you here right now. Hey, all it's official. It's announced.

It's out there. My largest stand up tour of my entire life. Oh, the biggest theaters in all my favorite cities. Toronto, Canada, Royal Oak, Michigan, San Antonio, Texas, Chicago, Illinois, Charlotte, North Carolina, Atlanta, Georgia, Columbus, Ohio, Kansas City, Missouri, Indianapolis, Indiana, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, Tyson's Virginia, just outside of D.C., Milwaukee, Wisconsin, Minneapolis, Minnesota, ee, youngstown Ohio. Cincinnati, Ohio, San Francisco, California,

Sacramento, California, San Diego, California, Phoenix, Arizona, New York, New York, Clear, Water, Florida, and Jacksonville, Florida. Tickets available at TonyHinchcliff.com. Come see the crazy Texas fucking stand up that I've been working on You're not gonna believe it. Let's have some fun Hey y'all using the internet without ExpressVPN is like writing an important report and forgetting to hit save Most of the time you'll probably be fine

But what if one day your computer freezes or crashes and all your hard work is gone Let me tell you as a member of the writers guild, that would be terrible. Every time you connect to an unencrypted network, cafes, hotels, airports, any hacker on the same network and gain access to your personal data, passwords, financial details, et cetera, it does not take much technical knowledge to hack someone.

Just some cheap hardware is needed. smart 12 year old could do it or Abrilliant nine year old your data is valuable hackers can make up to $1,000 per person just selling your personal info on the dark web Err red man. I love it. I am going to the airport tomorrow and of course I am going to have express VPN turned on my phone and my laptop It could even be on my tablet. It's all of your devices. It's easy to use you just fire up the app click one button and get protected Super secure. Did you know it would take a hacker with a supercomputer over a billion years to get past Express VPNs encryption. I ain't no one got time for that.

Fire up the app, click one button and get protected. Phone's laptop, tablets and more, so you can stay secure on the go. You want ExpressVPN. So secure your online data today by visiting expressvpn.com slash killtony. That's Express EXPR ESS VPN.com slash killtony. And you can get an extra three months full of o-ree-ee!

ExpressVPN dot com slash killtony! I'm telling you, delicious, amazing, greatness and goodness! With hello fresh, you get farm fresh, pre-portion ingredients and seasonal recipes delivered right to your doorstep. Skip trips to the grocery store and count on HelloFresh to make home cooking easy, fun, and affordable. That's why it's America's number one meal kit. Take a bite out of summer with HelloFresh from Chefcrafted Seasonal Recipes to their new

fresh and fit summer menu. HelloFresh brings flavor right to your door. Pre-portion ingredients help cut down on food waste while step-by-step instructions make cooking a breeze, not a chore. Make your home the hangout place this summer with crowd pleasing eats from a backyard brought worse bar to tangy key lime pie. Hello fresh market makes summer entertaining a cinch. You know, they call it the freshman 15 when you go to college.

I call it the Texas 20. When I got here, I ended up with a gut that I've never had before in my life. But thanks to eating clean and hot yoga, I have been able to trim down to literally the best shape of my freaking life and hello fresh totally helps me with this. And it's also, if you don't care about your body and are just into really delicious food, it's good for that too.

Red band? Wow, what a segue. You know, ever since I've moved to Austin, I am very guilty of getting delivery all of the time. Because every time I go to the grocery store, I buy too much and half of it goes to waste. Well guess what? Hello fresh is cheaper than delivery.

It's 25% cheaper than takeout. I love Hello fresh because it has quality proteins, fresh produce and plans for many lifestyle. There's no wonder why Hello fresh is America's number one meal kit. No doubt about it. Go to hellofresh.com slash Tony50 and use Cotone50 for 50% off. Plus free shipping. This is a no-brainer. HelloFresh.com slash Tony50 and use Cotone50 for 50% off. The greatest country on planet Earth, It is America's number one meal kit You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show or what?

Come on people you're in Austin, Texas the live music capital of the world the comedy capital of the world Are you guys ready to start tonight's fucking show? Every single week I two of the funniest humans on the show. This is one of those very awesome episodes where I think I'm showing you guys two of the best currently but also really these are really I mean these are the fucking future future fucking stars of the world. Two of my favorite comedians makes some noise for Brian Simpson and Trevor Wallace, everybody, come on! Here we go.

Brian Simpson. Netflix. Brian Simpson. Filming is especially in a couple months. Look at how great Trevor Wallace. Filming is special. It's a paramount theater July 14th and 15th Brian Simpson comedy dot com Trevor Wallace comedy dot com BS with Brian Simpson and stiff socks with Trevor Wallace their very popular podcasts guys

You've both been guests on the show before Welcome to the show who the fuck is saying that can we go to Mercedes go fucking choke a bitch out real quick? How about a hand for Mercedes everybody? She's the muscle. I know what you're thinking. Oh wow They have a hot chick working security. She's like fucking special forces and can kill you with her pinkies So don't fuck around don't be a homo She will kill you. How you guys doing? Welcome back to the show grab those microphones Say anything at all real quick and then I'll explain the show. What's up, I'm here from California,

fuckin' idiots, what's up? Yeah, uh oh, look out, this guy's worst enemy. This dumb fuck right here, he's scared to death of people like you, living with a 30 minute radius of him. Brian Simpson, here at your home club. Yeah, dude, I perform on this stage every night, but I've never got to see you're high Yeah, it's nice to get to see it is you guys have been guests on the show before so you know all about it This bucket is absolutely filled to the gills with over I believe 200 names and the undertakers

Landured is in the bucket You know first world problems. Look at that. That one's itching to get out. If I pull their name, they get 60 seconds on and are up to do stand-up comedy. Everybody, a new minute that they haven't done before. Maybe it's the first time you know

their time is up and you're the son of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then. Or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which just interrupts them. And then I interview them. We find out more about them. maybe what they could be talking about, should be talking about, what's interesting about their lives, at all, whatsoever, and we find out what makes them different.

Are you guys ready to start tonight's show? Well, well, well. I don't know if you guys have been following along with the storyline of the legendary Hans Kim, but some extreme highs and extreme lows lately a lot of the highs have been on mountains of cocaine and a lot of the lows have been on this stage, but something changed a week and a half ago when we decided to start having him challenge every single week for his regular ship spot. He's been a regular every week for over two years. We've seen this guy go from living in his van to literally thriving,

selling out every weekend Hawaii Phoenix. He was just in Chicago, sold out shows all weekend at all the best comedy clubs in the world. But his minutes have been a little bit shaky on the show, so we literally have someone challenging him that goes on after him every single week that if they win, they become the new full-time regular on the show. What we've learned is that it makes Hans Kim perform

a lot stronger, a lot better, because he's fighting for his life. So with no further ado, sing along if you know the words, this is Hans Kim. Hey, I saw an ad for firefighters on it and on it had had an Asian dude and a woman. If I'm ever in a fire and I see an Asian dude and a woman come and rescue me, I'm gonna kill myself. Would you send the HR department? When you're in a fire you don't want to see diversity. You want to see diversity? You want to see a Nazi? You want to see generations of food security and white privilege? Not an Asian dude and a woman. Who's gonna drive the fire truck? That's what I'm talking about.

That's what I'm talking about. That's what I'm talking about. That's what I'm talking about. That's what I'm talking about. That's what I'm talking about. That's what I'm talking about. That's what I'm talking about. That's what I'm talking about.

That's what I'm talking about. That's what I'm talking about. That's what I'm talking about. That's what I'm talking about. That's what I'm talking about. That's what I'm talking about. That's what I'm talking about. That's what I'm talking about.

That's what I'm talking about. That's what I'm talking about. That's what I'm talking about. That's what I'm talking about. That's what I'm talking about. That's what I'm talking about. That's what I'm cheek. Go back to England, Faggot. Thank you. Wow, there it was. Man, I was a little nervous at the beginning there. Tripped over the hole I saw an ad or the fire fire ad.

It was an ad or the fire man. It was a fire man the fire man like oh Fuck oh, yeah, I mean you fought fought fought like only a real experienced Autistic Asian boy could do how do you feel like that went huns? I felt like it went amazing Okay Yeah, my rope people I Yeah, I wrote people. Come on.

Ha, ha, ha. I love it, Hans. That is another new minute. It's hard to write a new minute. That's a complete bit. What kind of ad will you say? You saw an ad. You say it like you read it in a magazine or something like that.

Are you saying to say you saw a commercial or? It was a TV show, but I changed it to ad because it hit better with my demographic. What's your demographic? Drunks and sex perverts. Incredible. Guys, you've seen Hans Kim before, would you think about that minute Brian Simpson, Trevor Wallace? Yeah, I thought it sounded like you did at the beginning, I was like, oh no, Hans. Yeah. Can you make a rant after you've done on Killton, you know? That's true. You guys are roommates.

Yeah, yeah. I didn't even think about that. These are, you're looking at the real Killtony fans out here. Brian, is there anything about being a roommate with Hans that you can tell us? I mean, he's been a very regular character on the show for two years.

I'm sure there's something people would love to know. Well, you know, look, I'm not going to put my business in the street, but I'll just say it's exactly what you would imagine. I love Hans. Oh, yeah, we all do. Travory, have you ever seen Hans before? Not live, see him on live. I love the outfit. It makes me just want to like, babe and fight a talk about employee, you know.

Just fucking, blah, blah, blah, some shit up. You know what I mean? Thank you Trevor. I wore this for you. Did you really? Yeah, you got a jewel pods on you? Oh, yeah We're band in California, so who could oh Hell yeah, I thought it was great. It's phenomenal. Thank you A good new minute Hans you know how this. Put the mic back in the mic. Stan, go back behind the curtain. How about one more time for Hans Kim? We're going to see him in just a second.

He's not gone. Know that was Hans Kim music yet. Guys, what you're about to see is, again, I mean, this is a whole new era of Kiltoni. Someone fighting for regulation to start the show is insane. And I can only give credit to one of my favorite mentors and heroes, the great Vince McMahon who likes starting shows with a bang every once in a while. I think it works out great. Anyway, the guy who you're about to see has the

opportunity to change his fucking life. He's got a very controversial run on Kiltzone. He's on or off. I mean it's either home runs or fucking big miss swings. Also has a huge cocaine addiction. He has great musical abilities. A lot of different things. He's fairly fairly really really new to stand up comedy. I think only about eight or nine months in. So here he is fighting to become a regular every single week on the number one live comedy podcast in the world. Make some noise for Uncle laser everybody. Cuckolding! When one fucks one's wife, why one other watches and or masturbates. Not as funny as I thought either. It's not as good as it is either.

See the other day in Vegas, I got involved in a cut-colding situation. There are Adam playing slot machines being the degenerate piece of fuck that I am. This snaggle tooth old man walks up to me and said, hey man, we're big fans of yours. Me and my wife watch you all the time. It'd be an honor if you would fuck her while I watch.

I said, I'm gonna pass. My guy, he goes, I'll be willing to pay you some shackles for your time. I said, all right, well, let me take a look at her now. This will to be stubble woman comes crawling out under the vending machine. She walks up to me. I can hear her breathing from 20 yards away. She looks leathery like she fell asleep in a tanning bed like a fucking Buick seat I said, no man, I'm gonna have to pass. He said I'll give you $4,000 I said man to be honest with you Buick's not that bad of a car. I'll take her for a spin

That's it Well, I mean if there's, how much longer is the thing? Another minute. Thirty seconds. That's all you know the format of the show. That's not fair. That's your minute. That's my minute. Okay.

All right, Uncle Laser. All right. Okay. All week this guy. What have you been saying? I'm an abarium. I don't abarium with a bucket of paper. I'm going to get a

paper. I'm an abarium. I'm a barium with a fucking shovel. I mean, well, you're dressed like you just dug yourself out of a grave. I look like going. I'm going to move the Tiger King on a parole hearing right now. Oh my goodness, Uncle Laser. What a special fucking treat. So what can you just at least tell us separate from the minute which won't count to the audience voting, but how does the story actually end? Yeah, also I went up there and when I got up there, he threw me a curveball and he's like, hey man, you can fuck her, but I want to wear socks. Why you do it? And I was very strange, man.

I'm like, no. Like my mama gave me these socks. These are my lucky socks. I'm a Vegas. So it gave me $200. I let him wear my boxers on his head, right? And so I finished, you know what I'm saying? And then I took my $4,000.

I went to the roulette table. $4,000. Hold on. Did you use a condom with this lady? No. How long did this talk? How you talking about it? I forgot who I was talking to.

I'm sorry. Drink out of a water hose, don't wear a condom. It's pretty simple, dude. Right. And you never get sick. Never get sick, immune. But I finished and I took my four thousand. Hold on, I got another question.

How long is the whole sexual intercourse pumping? I'm in 20, 25 minutes. I feel like anything over that's overhandling. Right. And anything under is underperforming. Ha ha ha. So you always look at that 20, 25 minute window. It's just a window right there.

Right, that's the thing. You kept your socks on. Chemo socks on. So then I go down the roulette table and I put all that $4,000 on black. You know what color it came up? What? Green.

No way. So then I'm sitting there like, well, black, you know what color it came up? What? Green. No way. So then I'm sitting there like, well, fuck, that went quick. So I did with any piece of shit, the gender, gambled doing a thing, but in here has a gambling problem, you'll know this all too well. I marched my ass right back up to that hotel room, and I fucked her again for $1,000, and I let him wear my socks.

But I can't. That does not count to your voting, by the way. You son of a bitch, you gotta learn how to edit. You gotta learn how to edit the fucking shit out, dude. You're up there singing fucking country music lyrics. Yeah, I was just about to say, the reason you're gonna lose the Hansenites is because he's so much experienced,

more experienced than writing jokes, because you could have got to that in a minute. You could have the bush that you was saying. I could have got rid of this dictionary. That isn't actually a dictionary. I realized when I opened it. I mean, because you could have just been like, hey, a dude paid me the fuck as wife she was ugly.

And then bam, right to the right. I did it for $4,000. We're in and we're hard to run. You could have got to get out. But that just feels like too written in it. You do stand up comedy like you're reading a child bed. And then a wildebeest came from behind the vending machine. Yeah. But that just feels like too written. You do stand up comedy like you're reading a child bed. And then a wildebeest came from behind the vending machine.

Yeah. It's so interesting. It's just, you got a bang. You got to get to that shit. But I want to paint the story, set the mood. But you know what I'm talking about? It doesn't work like that in stand up comedy. There's no painting moods.

People come to laugh. They don't come to be like, what a special trip this is hans kim get back out here this is uh this is gonna be uh yeah hans kim has defended his throne twice already once again scolding ticket winner in Rikage Akone. Another time, against Skolden ticket winner and a favorite, almost barely favored, a very even matched Jared Nathan. This is his third time defending his regular ship. How many of you have Uncle Laser being the new regular after his performance tonight makes some noise?

You guys get to decide. Woo! Woo! It's all the racist people. Look at all those mustaches. How many of you have Hans Kim retaining? Wow, Uncle Laser, we gave you a shot. You put up a fight. I hope that you learned something here. You got a fucking trim the fat. It's the ultimate note.

It's the one note that everybody in their first few years, a lot of people have been doing this shit Ten years and they're not editing enough. It is the real secret writing is the most important thing and then cutting that shit down to only the pieces You need is the thing that separates the goods from the grates So I think you learn the ultimate lesson here tonight because you got buried by chopsticks, you know what I'm saying? You got fucking, he put you in a tego box with a little metal handle. He's gonna carry you home.

Hans Kim, what do you wanna say? I'd like to present Uncle Laser with his very own little joke book made by Bones Lie. Make some noise for Angolaezer. Hans, you wanna say anything else? I'm not surprised, motherfucker. Oh! Free and oh! Undefeated! The first ever regular, not only to defend his position once, twice, but three times,

Hans, you are undeniable. Make some noise for Hans Kim, everybody. Thank you guys. That was Hans Kim. That was Hans Kim. That was Hans Kim. Alright, I pulled a name out of the bucket now this is where shick it's crazy if you guys don't know because

literally any random human being is allowed to sign up so anything can happen it could be somebody's first time it could be a local legend that's been signing up for months hoping to get a big break on the show with a brand new minute of stand-up comedy we're gonna meet them all together make some noise for Kyle Drake everybody So with a brand new minute of stand up comedy, we're going to meet them all together, make some noise for Kyle Drake, everybody. One more time for Kyle Drake, everyone. Come on. How are we doing?

We doing good? Yeah. So I come from a pretty interesting family. Most comedians do, you know, like my father, he was a drug addict. Yeah, but he was a responsible one, though. Like he'd only do drugs on weekends. Yeah, because like that's only at custody, but yeah, happy Father's Day, right? I don't know, an interesting family.

All I really have to say is like, white people... We're not the best. We're not. We're not. We only have the best genetics, either, by the way. Like, I have a brother, right? Who's 25 years old? And he's already completely bald.

Yeah. It's crazy, but cancer's a bitch. I know. That's a fun one because it's real. I think I'm close to my time. I don't want to go over. Kyle Drake, welcome. This is your first time on the show, correct? Yes. Yes. Absolutely. Okay. How long you been doing stand-up? Two and a half years. Where at? San Diego. San Diego. What are you doing here? Visiting. Scoping it out. Scoping it out. You thinking about moving here? Yeah. Okay. What do you think about people moving from San Diego? Is that okay?

Jesus, fucking Christ. What do you think about people moving from San Diego is that okay? Jesus fucking cries I love how half of them didn't know that was in California What do you do for work Kyle Drake? I work at a research institute and then I used to work at a comedy club Okay, what are you researching? They do a bunch of stuff. They do like Alzheimer's dementia Stem cells. Okay, broken stuff. All right. Alzheimer's, dementia, stem cells, okay. Broken stuff. All right. Okay. Which side of the argument are you on? Are you on Rogan's side or Dr. Peter Hotez's side? I believe Rogan runs this club, so I'm definitely on his side.

I'm trying to get more stage time, you know? Would your dad ever give your brother with cancer like drugs like cheer him up a little or something? My dad. Yeah, you had the bit where your dad does drugs on the way. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no them laugh during it? No, I made a bit about it. But I tried to, you know, he came with me, he lost comedy, so he did it. He's here. Not right now, no, but he passed away. He's here spiritually tonight. He's no longer with us. What drugs would your dad do? What kind of drugs was your father on?

Mainly alcohol, but uh, Jesus Christ it Where's the real shit? Give me ozampic brother. Give me the real shit uncle laser as more drugs in his nose right now than fucking Sounds like your dad ever dead Okay, Kyle, what do you do for fun? What makes you you? Tell us something interesting about you because you seem like a very very normal white guy from San Diego trying to come into a place that's filled with monsters, so I'll do I'll say anything for more stage time I'm a leave Rogen owns the club. I Just came to conquer and take over.

I think the only... I guess the fun thing I did is I went to TJ and I lost a butt plug in a girl's ass. Wait a sec. I thought you were curve ball now. You had to pay for that. No. You went to TJ, Tijuana, Mexico. And you met a girl. Yeah. And she had a butt plug or you had your own butt plug. No, she had it. I don't bring them with me. But I mean, okay, speak for yourself. Okay, I'm glad we got Red Bands one fart noise out of the way. Jesus Christ. This guy cannot wait. By the way, the fun fact

about the soundboard is that the fart board is a totally different app. No, don't go back to the fucking fart board. You're a lot of one in episode. So he literally has to bring it up. Okay, thank you. Whoever's doing that, that's, that's insane, Deez. Thank you. I literally hate that. So thank you, Deez. Thank you, John. Back to the comedy show. Thank you, Jeremiah. I mean, John. Thank you so much. There you go. Yeah. Oh, oh. Sweet. OK. All right, shut off John's mic.

Thank you. Hi Kyle. Hi. Tell me more about you. Well, I came from the math capital of California there for a bit, and then I moved to San Diego for school. Where? Stockton, Modesto?

It was a riverside. Okay, that makes sense. And then I went to school in San Diego, studied like neuroscience, and then I started comedy there, worked at a club there, and then lost a butt plug up a girl's ass there. I had tea there.

Oh, we're back to that already, okay. I gave you. I'm trying to give you something. How did you lose it up or asked? I was having sex with her and then on a thrust in it. So I was going through the front and it went in the back and then I snatched out with my cute little hands. You got it out? Yeah. And we still had sex afterwards. So I was happy about it. If you got it out then how did you lose it? I lost it went in and then I got it out but it wasn't like permanently lost it. If you got it out, then how did you lose it? I lost, it went in, and then I got it out, but it wasn't like permanently lost.

Yeah. It was sucked into the ether for a little bit, and I got out. Yeah, but butt plugs usually have a stopper, like a wall. I know, I know. I get it with a wall. Yeah. Oh, lord.

Yeah, I know. I know. I don't even get a Kyle. I don't even think this really happened. This really happened. I'm trying to give you something. What was she doing when you were in there just getting it? I was trying to get it out before she freaked out because it's a fucking muscle so it will start clamping on it. So I was like, I'm getting it out. I just did it as fast as I could before she freaked out.

And then you're a TJ, it's like, I'm gonna take her to a hospital and I don't even speak English. I mean, Spanish. Yeah. Holy shit. So did she come or not? What happened? No.

Wow. A little dose of honesty there from Kyle Drake. She was a big girl, right? No, she's a little skinny girl makes this Well, let's not say girl like that. I think I'm a yeah, I'm gonna be hard for you cop because you have a liar's face I like everything you say looks like you lying even though I'm like your face just look like you lie I'm not I get it. Yeah, let me smell your fingers. Let me see. Let me see. Let me see He did it I love you, I am. I'm not. I get it. Yeah, let me smell your fingers. Let me see you. Let me see you. He did it. He did it.

Yeah, to himself. Why? You know, this is a quick. Kyle Drake, everybody. There he goes. It's over. Got another bucket pull ready. This is very exciting.

The name seems kind of familiar. I do believe this person has been on before. One name name, which is always a good sign. Make some noise for Angel, everybody. Let's see what happens here. The smooth stylings of Angel. This is Angel. Hello.

All right. What's up? Yes, some Angel. I heard Uncle Angel. Now I'm gonna fucking deal Angel tonight Angel. Now I'm motherfucking. I'm theo Angel tonight. Sorry. So yeah, man. So I'm from Boston, Massachusetts. I'm coming away from the North.

Yeah, where they at? Okay, so I'm coming over here to tell you guys, you guys are free tonight. Woo. All right. All right, Juneteep. Funny joke, but probably killed that. All right.

I'm just saying. All right. So also, Angel, half Puerto Ricans have a Dorian. I've never met so many Mexicans in my life. Up north, you see more deers than them. If anything, you go up to Maine, they pick in the berries. But yo, you see a deer, that's it. You open a door to your kitchen, those roaches running out, there's your Puerto Ricans.

All right. What's up? Also, up north, it's a? Um, also, uh, up north, it's a little cold, it's like bipolar weather. Down here, it's too fucking hot. Like, yo, my sweat is so much, my brain cooked, and everybody's like, yo, you don't need to go back home,

I don't, because I see a bed everywhere I lay down. Thank you, that's my time. All right. All right. All right. OK. Angel, welcome. Have you been on this show before? Oh, there's the ex. No, I have not.

OK. How are you? Good. I'm well. How are you all? They are good. They're better than you are right now. Have you ever done stand-up comedy before?

I yes. Yes, I have. Okay. How long you been doing it? A few years pandemic kind of like took a pause. Yeah, how about since the pandemic? No, no. So if anything I'm under 10 fingers. Okay. That's thank God for that. Yes. That's good. When you said years, it got scary there. Yeah. OK. Like a lot of the things go wrong. Why are you bundling up the cord like that? OK. There you go.

So do you live here? Are you on a safari right now? Yeah. I don't want to look like a Lego piece, no more. But God wants you to look like a Lego piece. And that's what matters. And he is the creator of the universe. He already took away my wings and everything, you know. What wings?

Thank you. I'm trying to get him back. What? What wings? What wings did he take? Looks like he gave you breasts and thighs. It's my shirt. It came like that. I think it means a guy named Hesu's took his chicken wigs.

Ah. Hey, I paid a get here. It's Juneteenth. You look like you do valet at Rainforest Cafe. Ha ha ha ha. You do look like that. It will probably pay better than this. The human seat is highly recommended. Thank you.

But that's my favorite restaurant. So, let's compliment it. Yeah. seat is harder. I'd recommend it. Thank you. But that's my favorite restaurant. So I was complimenting it. Yeah. Appreciate it. I appreciate it. Saw Spy Angel. OK. Saw Spy Angel. Yeah, we're working on a title for this cafe.

OK, Angel. Oh, OK. OK. What do you do for work? I drive for a living. What do you drive? I drive transportation, more medical stuff. So organs for transplant, saving a lot of money.

You're in charge of driving the organs that a guy named Angel is in charge of delivering organs to people they need them. I have some eyes. OK, how long have you been doing that for? Two years. All right, what were you doing before that? landscaping, home, outside home people.

Ah! Angel! My goodness, okay. That's why the hat, honestly. We know. We know. It's a very specific hat. Okay. So what are you doing in Austin, Texas? Where do you live? I Boston, Massachusetts. I came out here for you and for the show. When did you arrive? Saturday. When do you leave? I just bought my ticket today. When do you leave? Tomorrow. I leave tomorrow. OK.

And look at you. You got lucky enough to get on. How do you feel? Awesome. Thank you. Let me ask you something. Because you're up here right now. A lot of people imagine what their appearance on the show

would be like, you're looking right at it. You're in the room. You're in the moment. What surprises you about what you see and feel? What is expected. Did you picture it being like this? Did you envision anything whatsoever when you came here? Do I need a lawyer? But not a fun time, great time. You know? You know, that's it. You know?

So I have a feeling that there's an organ thong. Yeah. Possibly. So somebody's hard. Is your name, real name Angel, or did you call yourself Angel because of your job? No, it really is Angel your real birth name is angel Yeah, so it was God given I had no choice So I stay with it, you know

Okay You have any kids you in a relationship? I got a cat Harvey Dent your cat is Harvey Dent. Why'd you name it Harvey Dent? Because he has scars on his face and... Oh Jesus Christ. We don't need no Tony Montana scar face. Nothing like that one good health care. You know? Oh shit.

All right. Angel, I gotta tell you, there's been a lot of you people coming in like less than 10 appearances signing up for a show that has the ability to make people stars and you just fucking clunk it up. You know what I'm saying? This is a very special little joke book. It says, you suck on the back.

Kiltoni on the front, these bones-eye joke books, just keep getting better and better. Can you catch? Take, go back to where you were. Go back to where you were. Right there. There you go. Angel, everybody.

We're going to keep it moving here. I think we're in the need for a little bit of a fucking jolt of comedy and you guys are in for a very special treat right now. One of the regulars on this show, one of the most legendary regulars of all time actually retired his regular ship on the very popular 10-year anniversary episode of the show in front of 3,000 people. He retired from being a full-time regular. And as a part of his retirement package, he gets the chance to do a brand new minute on

the show every single time that he wants to. It's been only two weeks and he's already cashing in. Here to debut in new minute for you, one of the great writers, roasters, and performers in the show's history makes the noise for David Lucas everybody. Yeah. I hate this new word women are using this gas lighting shit. I hate that word. It's like, why are you trying to sound so extra? Like, bitch, I'm not gaslighting you. I am lying to you.

Why are you trying to make it sound fancy? Oh, this is old school, old fashion lion bitch. And if you in a relationship, you got a lot to your bitch. Anyway, she don't want to hear the truth. Women can't handle the truth. If you have it, sex with your girl. Is she asked, is this the best pussy you have ever had? By default, what do you have to say? Yes. You can't tell her no, the best pussy you ever had. By default, what do you have to say? Yes. You can't tell her, no, the best pussy I ever had was actually from a iHop wager's bench.

That was, you gotta tell us you had the best pussy, man. That's it. All right, that's it for you. Perfect. Exactly a minute, David Lucas. Add it again. Love that joke. Love that you're already fucking back with us.

Yeah. Barely took a break. You love this shit. You're used to it. It's part of your regimen. Yeah, you got a nice little audience. Oh, shit. Wait, what's going on?

You got fucking long neck and deep rope. Okay, what? This is long neck, your deep rope. Okay, well, you're the one that shoves more shit in your mouth than either one of us. So I don't know, the fuck you're talking about. Oh, is that the new trans flag? What you got on your shirt? Oh, you son of a bitch.

What the hell is that fucking gene material? You wearing that shit on Joan 10th, make it work? Fuck. Yeah. Tony was like, I was a slave last night. Does that count? Yeah! Ha-ha-ha!

You son of a bitch. Look at Trevor Wallace, boy, you look like you about to be in, uh, dude, where's my cart on ice, bitch, yo? I didn't want it to hit, but it hit. David doesn't use Zillow, he uses Waffle House. You gotta try again And take a long time for a joke to get from your brain your vocal box By the time you get to your vocal box it ain't shit You're traveling boy, you're last out here. They're like you just drunk beer in gonna handstand. It's fun to watch you make fun of skinny white boys that aren't me.

I don't ever get to do this. It's very, very exciting. You wearing a Dennis Rodman shirt because you only hook up with three bounds? I wear a Dennis Rodman shirt because on this shirt he got his nails polished like you got your toes painted Okay, you're the one you're a big ball player. You do the food court press, right? You only play basketball to play defense nigga nigga. You ask me, I got him, I got him. I got him. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

You rude for the Denver Nuggets, because it's your favorite thing to order in the top. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha I got a thing of what they go with a basketball phrase. You play front and center. I don't know. I love it. You play power forward. Power bottom. That's probably the right move.

How's it been going? How's retirement? Here's your father on a special father's day trip. You got your dad here. That nigga look like Brian Simpson, daddy. Nigga, daddy. Ha, ha, ha. That nigga.

They all got the same head. Ha, ha, ha. Hey, man. I thought I was doing on June 10th, man. Look at you out here in your goal clothes. That shirt a little bit small. Yo, I was looking like you invented fried even on June 10th man you I look at you out here your goal clothes I'll show the world just what you know I look like you invented fried chicken Look at Lucas I'll hit looking like Rick Ross for less. Oh My god

Oh my God. He was being so good. He was so quiet. He left a mic on the table and then you had to wake up fucking Brian Simpson. That name of teach. Brian Simpson teach Frederick Douglass Studies in high school. And you can tell D-Matt and his blind because they know where a regular man would come out with his hair looking like that. Oh come on.

It looks good. That month the front of D. Matt and his head look like Florida. Oh How dare you look like a Eddie monster? He's not gonna roast him back red band. I'm like he can't even see the mic. Look at why you put it in for He got a feel for oh You got to tap the mic so he can hit a vibration. Oh, no way. All right. blindness is also a side effect to diabetes. So you better watch your mouth, David. You're going to be double de madness. But you the only nigga who's sugar in his tank. What? That's old black reference. That's what black people is saying when people be gay,

they'd be like, he got sugar in his tank. Oh, my goodness. You are sweating bullies up here. It's hot as a bull. I've been drinking tequila. I'm retired, bitch. Hey. I love it.

David, we absolutely love you. You're a fucking monster. I love the fact that you're still fucking flexing these new minutes. I'm getting at least like once a month. At least once a month. I love the fact that you're still fucking flexing these new minutes. I Want some I love it. I love it a couple announcements. Oh July 12th 13th Pull up on your boy and pocaps in July 14th New York City, sunny hall July 21st and 22nd Boston last Boston July 28th 29th Ruthford, New Jersey's at Banana's Comedy Club. Pull up on your boy Some plugs some plugs that won't get lost in a Tijuana girl's ass right there.

One more time for one of the greats in the history of the show, David Lucas. Absolute goat. Oh, we did forget to pull a name. OK, we'll do that. Hey, is KP back there? Let's see. He ain't going nowhere.

How many of you like it when comedians do good on this show? How many of you like it when comedians do bad on this show? Well, in that case, I have bad news for you. This next comedian is about to do really good on this show. Well, in that case, I have bad news for you. This next comedian is about to do really good on this show. This is the guy that took over full time when David Lucas retired two weeks ago. This is the newest regular on Kiltoni. We've only seen three performances from him ever in the history of the show. This guy is one of the talks of the club.

Here with a brand new minute, makes a noise to someone who we truly believe is the fucking future. The one and only cam Patterson, ladies and gentlemen. When I was in high school, I had a basketball coach. He smoked crack for real. And he'd only call the air beled in me in my life. He only call the air beled in me. And he was a real deal crack smoker like how he did. I remember one day he came up to last time I ever saw him came up to me and said,

can you come? If I had you for all four years, you'd have been all American. Then he walked away. Then the head coach walked there, like, let me know, let me tell you something, so this nigga actually smokes crack. You can't listen to this nigga, though. He told the stripper she was gonna be a doctor last,

so we can't listen to this nigga. Think it's a crazy person. I think it's a crazy person. I only tell that dope, I broke some of the heart one time, I just go to the Ice Rapper Target, and then my core cards came up to me like, Cam, going to your shows, you see it, and then you chase my dreams. I like what you want to be in like,

I want to go to the NBA. This nigga was 45 years old. That's it. There he go. Man, unbelievable. Yet again. So consistent. So your own self, so charismatic.

Chris delivery, great punchlines, great editing, moving forward. How do you feel? Great. I feel amazing. I got a job, you shit, you shit dope. Yep, this is, I've never seen you in the mothership gear, but you famously normally wear plain white t-shirts and sweatpants, and now you're wearing the mothership shirt and sweatpants. You work here now. You work here now, are they?

I got shoes on, I got shoes on. They made you wear shoes? I don't think they made me I just bought some of the professional haha let me put on some shoes you're saying like look I look you like my shoes look do you like my shoes say yes you guys all got the witness Trevor's Trevor's Trevor's you guys got the witness Trevor's first time being called the N word right then Historical moment It's the whitest do ever how to fuck June team and this nigga is crazy

My white man, me okay? I'm good, man, I'm good, man. Could I get some hand sanitizer or something? I don't know, what the fuck? This man sprinkled cocaine on me! Look at that's racist! Amazing performance, can't. Can't stress like he wearing Katrina donation. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha No, you can't don't talk to me a dual tape. He only said it You be quiet the only thing missing from that outfit is a team that lost the Super Bowl t-shirt

It is amazing wearing his hurricane where cam Patterson Cam how how's life been going? You're right in a new minute every week Yeah, you're out here. You got the job at the mothership. How does it feel? What are you working tonight? What exactly is your job? I'm the, oh, I'm today. I'm the staring nigga. I'm the nigga on stand. Now you know that's what it is on this resume. Oh my God. It is incredible. It is Joe Rogan's club.

That is what he calls on the positions. You have the bar, the stair, the yonder. Just use your imagination. Say the word that I'm taking. You say nougat. Yep. You know. I know this guy knows. He doesn't even want Californians to move here.

Imagine how he feels about black people from Florida. My goodness. Oh, Jesus Christ. Somebody's got this one right here. This guy with no happiness on his face. What's so ever? Do I make you nervous? Are you scared of me? I'll shake my head

I'll shake my head. Oh shit here we go Wow Wow. Oh, wow. Wait, I can see from here. He's literally pissing his pants right now. It's incredible. Oh, my God. He just shoved his wallet up his own ass to save it.

That is absolutely incredible. He just got kicked out of the problem when this hair is... Wow. And you understand my hand, I want to give you a phone back. So, I can do something with it. Unbelievable. Cam, you know how to work the room. You come out.

You're a fucking absolute stud of a god damn up and coming rising star. I just don't see anything that can stop your fucking momentum. We absolutely love that you're part of the show. And it's going to be so exciting to watch your fucking momentum. We absolutely love that you're part of the show, and it's gonna be so exciting to watch your fucking trajectory. You are on an unstoppable path that I think everybody wants to be part of. So congratulations, Cam Patterson, doing it again. Thank you so much.

Come on, make some fucking noise for the future. Cam Patterson, absolutely. All right, back to the bucket we go. Here we go. That was fun. We had David Lucas and Camp Patterson back to back. And now we are back to meeting people. Ladies and gentlemen, but this is how we met everybody. Every single one of these people from Hans,

the laser, to Cam, to David, to everybody. We met them by pulling their name out of the bucket. So anything can happen. Makes a noise for Sal, Mont everybody, we met them by pulling their name out of the bucket. So anything can happen. It makes the noise for Sal Montia, everybody. Sal Montia, perhaps Montilla. What's going on, ya? Oh, thank you.

You ugly people. Thank you for coming out. I appreciate that. I know what you're thinking. Why is my GTA drug dealer onstage right now? Ooh, that cough was rough a little bit. Plain crashes are rough, right? Can we agree that they're bad?

But I actually think they're the perfect opportunity to get something off your bucket list Because in that one minute before touchdown you get away with anything. You are a video game character You know what I do in that opportunity when I will eat and Nana their praying for salvation for a miracle I'm gonna get out of my seat and I'm gonna punch a kid right there. I Always wanted being a fight. I'm always gonna win. Having y'all? Hey, our parents beat us. I want to know what that feels like. All right. Oh my God. I didn't think I'd get this far y'all. Honestly, I thought I was gonna black it on stage and pass

out right now. Okay. Wow, hi over here, buddy. How are you? What's going on? I'm your worst nightmare. Look over here. People looking at me. Don't get distracted. Your ADD is a cost you every.

Oh, there you go. You just said something else. Look at you. Yeah. Sal. Can I call you? Yes. Oh, wow.

Everything about you's fucked up. Look at that. I thought that was a lower K.C.l That's an S AI and Montia. Yes, okay. All right. Well now that's out there Is that your real name that is my real name? Wow you fucked up. I know okay Let's talk about it side one of the absolute worst performances imaginable. Doing everything backwards, coming out, calling the crowd ugly, getting sidetracked by a very light, normal cough by someone in the second row that nobody in the back of the room could hear.

You had to describe it as rough, that cough was rough. Yeah. You got sidetracked there, and then you talked about playing crash as a punch lineless bit about how you would punch someone else's kid, because you were punched by your parents, but you're punching another person's kid, so it's totally different than the parent. I'd imagine it's more satisfying if it's your own kid.

Yeah, the cycle abuse needs to keep going, you know, I'm perpetuating. You missed one Tony. Well you just abused 330 people here tonight. Brian, where are you going to sit there? I said you missed one, he also said, I know what you guys are thinking and then said something nobody was thinking That's a good point. Yeah, why'd you call everyone ugly though? It's Austin. They know that. I don't know oh Shit daddy long neck's got some unfinished business over here. Oh Shit, oh

Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh, man. I don't know why I did that probably first time jitters coming on here first time jitters So you saying this is your first time ever doing stand-up. No on your first time on the show Yeah, how long have you been doing stand-up like a year year and a half? How many spots do you think you've done if you had to guess? How many times have you gone on stage? How many times has someone said your name and you've gone up there? Like ballpark. One to three hundred. One to three hundred. One to three hundred times. Oh my god. I'd go up a lot.

Somewhere between one hundred and three hundred times. I'm overestimating y'all. It's over. That window is so wide open. The cam Patterson just crawled through it. So Si, who told you that you're funnyson just crawled through it. Uh. Ha ha ha ha. So Si, who told you that you're funny? Let's talk about it. Oh my God. What's the funniest thing you've ever done in your entire life?

Um, actually nothing, apparently. Uh, being here, he agreed right there. There you go, guys, please. Please, my validation. Guys, please do not sidetrack him. I mean, he's looking for anything to save him right now. I know. Si, you signed up for this. Yeah, I did. Okay. They he's looking for anything to save him right now. I know You signed up for this. Yeah, I did okay

So let's talk about it. What's a redeeming quality about you that might get these people back on your side anything that you've ever done or accomplished in your life? Doing cocaine in multiple countries That's not gonna do it. That's not gonna do it to generous. I see it. I know No, no, they're not they're not to generous. They're not ugly. These are real comedy fans What what what yeah? What's going on with you? Si these people paid to be here tonight Why would you pay to be here? Oh, look how angry this guy? No, no, I'm joking. I'm joking. I'm joking I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Why would you pay to be here? Why your eyes so small? You have a really small eye I do I do

Um, I don't know. I think I'm my be Asian probably Who knows probably yeah, Sal were you born with money? Were you born with you come on money? No is English your first language? No, are your parents are your parents still together? Not even that no, okay, did you go to college dropped out? What's the greatest accomplishment of your entire life? Honestly being real Having a three way probably and now remembering anything about it Yeah, I blacked out for most of it.

Did someone lose a butt plug up your ass? Ha ha ha ha ha. Si, I find people like you to be completely unbearable. You don't even get a little joke book. Leave the stage. Goodbye. Say nothing else. Say nothing.

Prepare next time. Do something. Unbelievable. I mean, what do you want? It's what the show is. I give the opportunity to everybody to sign up. Some people are just unbearable, wretched human beings. Make some noise for your next comedian, Daniel Shepard.

Let's see what happens. Could be anything. How's it going, mothership? All right, I'm not super famous yet. I'll admit, but my aunt actually just made it big. She's in a major Netflix series. Yeah, right, right? But anyway, it's actually the confession killer because she got brutally murdered Yeah, back in 1979 her and her boyfriend got murdered by five illegal immigrants She was Mexican her boyfriend was white and some funny stuff But I actually found out about this during Netflix and chilling

Okay, I was in the middle of China fuck and my family's crying on the damn TV And you know I had to rewind that shit, right? Nothing makes you come harder than your monestiers, evidently. Evidently. Hey, you gotta do what you gotta do, right? My mother's a conservative Mexican woman. She thinks Plan B is murder. Murder. Okay, and I've administered plan B thousands of times unbeknownst to her. So it turns out I'm a serial killer. My mom is a little serial killer. Anthony. Okay, thank you. Daniel Shepard, everybody, a real way to swing the momentum back around into the comedy show. Hi, Daniel, how are you? Am I? Am I? How long have you been doing stand-up?

I'm going on like four years solid. Four years solid. Definitely I started in 2016, but 2019's when I started like seriously grinding, you know. Okay. You're in Austin from Austin, born and raised. Okay, there you go. That's right off tonight. Look at that, that's how much you got from the hometown crowd.

Hey, none of y'all from here, motherfuckers. Goddamn. All right, another shit. Oh, go ahead, Dan. I'm having a grant. It's OK. OK. What kind of father's from New York?

OK. Mother's Mexican. All right. Y'all are Californians. You doing your own interview right now? Dania. No action brought to you. That's about right. You're the TikTok guy. That's right. Okay. This is sold out three shows of the Paramount for my. I know. I know. I love

that these guys just keep coming up here bombing and talking shit about the successful things around them. It's a big thing. It's absolutely incredible. Daniel, so four years solid, do you think that was your best minute that you've ever written? Definitely not. No, no, sorry, that's one of my good minutes actually. So, let's not the best minute I've ever had ever, you know.

Oh my God, it's unbelievable. You're just in your own little world, huh? Daniel, look at me. Look at me. You're being interviewed by me. Hello. Over here. Anthony. No, no, no, not Anthony. It's okay. I don't fucking know you. Daniel. Okay. Are you? You're done. There goes Daniel Shepherd. Everybody we're gonna keep it moving. Goodbye. With a mic in the mic, Stan. Don't ever sign up again. Thank you. That way back to obscurity you go. It's that way up

All right, this is very exciting actually your next comedian I have been informed that the eye next to their name means that they're inside of the room That means that it's one of you one of your very own people Very different than the 200 people in the alleyway or the bar next door where we keep them all funneled. So, it is my pleasure to introduce and whoever this is, you're going to go that way and you're gonna follow this young buck all the way around.

Make some noise for Nico Desazare everybody. Here he comes right from the middle of the room. You're seeing it live. Just like the good old days from inside the room, one of your own. My guess, guaranteed he does better than the last two guys did. It has to be.

Nico Dissazari, everybody. Oh! Oh! Oh! How you doing? I'm Fass on. Sorry, forgot to masturbate today. I'm Nico, I'm from Boston.

Happy Juneteenth. Haven't said the N word once today. I'm just getting, I listen to some rap music on the way over here. So, growing up in Boston, you can understand I had a very progressive father. I noticed here, a lot of guys, they don't wear flip flops. I like that, because we're on from, we don't wear flip flops either. I was always told, flip flops are for faggots.

And it was mostly just a thing my dad said, but as I got older I understood it more because you saw guys walking down the street and you just heard it. And it made a lot more sense. Swishy pants are gay too. They also make a hot done. Thank God. Nico De Cisari, ladies and gentlemen, the crowd goes absolutely wild. They are so desensitized to comedy that all you had to do was come up here and rattle off of the house, shits gay.

And you fucking killed somehow. They rooted for their own, one of the insiders. Nico De Cisari, how do you feel, my friend? I feel fucking awesome. I love that you think. I just noticed right now the shorts that you're wearing. There you go. While talking about all the shit that's gay, you came up here. I mean, oh my god, that is absolutely incredible. That. For you to wear those and talk about gay shit, that is just criminal. That's like me looking like me and talking about gay shit. Niko, welcome to the show.

Have you ever done stand up before? Never in my life. Wow. Oh my God. This is the only show in the world where you can go back to back comedians. Four years solid, not a funny thing thing not a movement from the room and then first time Ever on stage another guy had a window between 103 hundred times on stage

Flatlined in the room hold on a second the great Ahmed Johnson from the WWE just walked in everybody So Nico, let's talk about it. Where are you from? What's going on? I'm from Boston, but Revere, Massachusetts. Okay. Okay. I've been living there for like part of his life. Okay. Is that where he grew up? Yeah. I grew up right in with my family's from there. Okay. Very good. Absolutely. That makes sense. And here you are, full circle, the most successful person ever from Revere.

Yeah. Owns the club that you're in right now. And you're one of the least successful people ever from Revere. Yeah. Owns the club that you're in right now, and you're one of the least successful people ever from Revere. And you're wearing those shorts. If he knew, Joe Rogan knew that someone was wearing those shorts on stage, you wouldn't be here. Yeah. For sure.

There'd be a Navy SEAL with a red laser on your chest right now. Okay, so let's talk about it. What do you do for work, Nico? I'm in real estate development and family is a body shop. It's my family's body shop. Okay, I love it. Family's got a body shop. Yeah, that's cool.

It's all about it. Okay, how's it going out there? Is it business booming? Yeah, it's good. Cars are breaking down. Everybody's crashing, taxing and driving. I love it. It's great.

I love it. It's phenomenal. Hell yeah. Yeah. Why are you dressed like the camp counselor that fucks the female camp counselors just got a little bit of a- Because I'm the guy that fucks the camp counselors. Hell yeah, you do seem like a ladies man.

You've got the hair, you've got swag, you're calling shit gay while looking kinda gay. What's your love life like? Can you give us like a What's Your Body Count? How many- I got HPV so that counts. All right. You got enough count there, but I am. I'm an Austin brother.

I was here actually for my bachelor party, and this was the last night we stayed next tonight to come here. Wow. One of the things I would do here is for the show. Holy shit. So wait a second. You came to Austin to celebrate your bachelor party. Stayed an extra night for Kiltoni, signed up your odds of getting up over one in 200 and here you are.

That's incredible. So you're- I'd love to. When do you get married? I'm getting married in August. Okay, let's talk about it. What does this girl do? She's- she worked at a hotel and COVID fucked that up. Now she's in digital operations with some shit. I don't know.

I don't really know. She's- she's wonderful. She has a nice job. Grab you, your left hand grab the middle of that Yeah, sure that'll work. Yeah, here you go. Now you can stand straight up I'm used to a hundred. Yeah, I look like Quasimole the hunchback of revere Beach over here Okay, so where'd you meet this girl? I met her in college and then we started dating a couple years after we graduated Okay, and you met her in college. Yeah, okay, so you haven't had much time to be a womanizer at all, huh? No, I started early Yeah, yeah, okay

All right, you were just plowing through them on the right Yeah, very sexually jaded from a young age. I was the youngest of three boys, so there was a lot of pornographic material in the house. Why were you sexually jaded? A lot of pornographic material in the house. Oh, okay. I guess we have different definitions of the word jaded,

but, well, okay. All right, and do you have any special moves in the bedroom? Is there any reviewer beach specials? Like this girl that you have, like do you have any special moves that you do? Is there any reviewer beach specials like the this girl that you have like do you have any special moves? Not in my room because she's very nice. I don't do bad things, but How about another girl what any other girls that you're fucking do you have any special moves in the bedroom? Well, I'm a chronic master beta. So I mean mostly when she's cooking I'm in the closet just like is that true? Yeah, okay. How many times do you masturbate at least twice a day?

Really yeah, why the closet? Because he's gay So you masturbate twice a day and you still have a healthy love life? Yeah, yeah. Okay, what is going on? How old are you? 30. 30.

Yeah. Alright, so wow, that is incredible. How many times do you have sex a day? Or a week? I charge at least twice a week. Twice a week. Don't you think you'd have more if you didn't masturbate in the closet twice a day? For sure for sure. It's just so much easier to share

But this is like a good girl. You seem to imply that she's a really sweet good girl You don't even know what she does for work. We watch this show every Monday So next Monday she's gonna fucking kill me, but okay. I have good news for you. You have three weeks with three episodes ahead right now But it's not to be August just yet What's your go-to porn When you're in the closet, what is it? You use your phone I like you you look it up on your phone when you're in the closet and you have like a bottle of lotion in there You just dry hand it your own belt and okay

All right I like it Leave it from a guy to revere to have the British are coming you know I man Hey, it's a little American history reference for you very rarely do I get to do a Paul revere joke on the show Seriously, what kind of porn do you watch in the closet? I like large white asses. Large white asses. Okay, no, is it specifically the ass itself has to be larger? Are you into like a more plump type of girl?

No, it's the big asses fun. So what do you look up? Big asses? Big ass log. Ah, a good one. I actually have been in the... Really? There's something about it. When it's... When is... When going to porn? I actually have been in the I've been in the I've been in the I've been in the I've been in the I've been in the I've been in the I've been in the I've been in the I've been in the I've been in the I've been in the I've been in the

I've been in the I've been in the I've been in the I've been in the I've been in the I've been in the I've been in the I've been in the I've been in the I've been in the I've been in the I've been in the I've been in the I've been in the I've been in the I've been in the I've been in the I've been in the I've been in the I've been in the I've been in the I've been in the I've been in the I've been in the I've been in the I've been in the I've been in the I've been in the I've been in the I've been in the I've been in the I've been in the

I've been in the I've been in the I've been in the I've been in the I've been in the I've been in the I've been in the I've been in the I've been in the I've been in the I've been in the I've been in the I've been in the I've been in the I've been in the I've been in the I've been in the I've been in the I've been in the I've been in the I've been in the I've been in the I've been in the I've been in the I've been in the I've been in the I've been in the I've been in the I've been in the I've been in the I've been in the I've been in the I've been in the I've been in the I've been in That's corresponding, Brian Simpson. Oh, listen, I'm offended at job with Get Your Stereotypes, Mixed Up on June 10th.

It's skinny niggas that like fat white bitches. It's not fat black dudes don't do fat black dudes they fat black with it. Skinny black dudes they fat white with it. Right, right. Right, there's like flips. Is somebody like the way they're on a show? Does this some shit like that right it's like there's

always stereotypes are affected by the weight of the individual is your wife a big girl no she's skinny oh no I met her she lost like a ton away when I met her she's very voluptuous when I met her and then she what happened how did she lose the idea was just like post-college like

Beer weight or oh god she's gonna kill me No, but she is she is gorgeous. I love her. I love you You already said you're in the big asses and she doesn't have a big ass You're just that's that's porn porn's different porn totally different porn is different. Yeah, I'll give you that That's not the way she's gonna see it. No, of course not You're gonna be having another match or party about a year dog. Yeah, yeah, coming back, we're gonna be going back. I mean she is gonna see this. You have dug yourself in a little tiny bit of a hole. And I wouldn't be surprised if you started masturbating in that hole. But since she's

gonna see this and you're getting married in two months and this comes out in three weeks Why don't you uh? Why don't you look at that camera right there? Yoni come on in here get really really close all the way in all the way in yoni And why don't you look directly at that camera and tell her what you think about her Kelly. I love you I'm so excited to marry you. I'm sorry for what I said. You understand it. I love you. Okay. Okay. My friend, you are the first person tonight to get a big joke book.

My friend, you are the first person tonight to get a big joke book. I represent absolutely awesome. Congratulations. There he goes. Nico Descissari, ladies and gentlemen. And in an unbelievable turn of events, ladies and gentlemen, I've pulled another name out of the bucket. And again, this never happens anymore. And this part never happens where it's back to back.

I pulled another inside name, everybody. So another one of yourselves, the person that's done the best so far tonight. Uh... Another insider makes a noise for Brett Sholin Band, or Sholin Band, or Shola Band. Well, here he is. You're seeing it live in the flesh. Brett Sholibin or Shopa Binon. Shola.

Shorban. We have to get a girl. Oh my god. So you ever do that thing where you kind of feel like you're very intuitive with your partner and you're with your friend fishing, you drop your phone in the water and then you call your girl from your phone and then she picks up and she's like, oh hey babe, I was hoping it's going to be you. But then you realize like you think it's all sweet and everything. But it's like, I'm calling you from my friend's phone. But it's so cool that we're connected like that.

Yeah, not fun. Thank you. So there's times you can, I was married and you start realizing things were going a little bit self When I met my wife she was all like you know, you can make me laugh all the time. I really love that no matter how bad the day Well The first time I took the stage like everybody in the room was laughing a few times But she was the only one not and it's probably the bad time to take the stage of her funeral. Adorable.

It's funny how like the people from the insider are so much realer than the professional comedians that supposedly wait and are dying to be up here. You seem like you don't even give a fuck and it's great It shows it seems real. Brett, what's your last name? I can't quite read this shame Leibin shame Leibin. Yeah, it's German Oh, yes, we can tell it's a school It's blicked and blocked and it's German. Yes, we know. Thank you. I love it Brett So welcome to the show. Thank you. How many Jews did you kill in World War II? No, I'm kidding. Two. Okay, very good. You killed, that you killed none of them here tonight.

So let's talk about a Brett. You've done stand up before? No. Okay, you have out of hand. It's this first time, everyone. Let's find out what's real and what's not. Yeah. Were you really married? I was, yeah. Okay, you're not anymore? No, we're not. Did she really die? Yeah, oh my goodness What happened overdose accidental overdose overdose? I'm staring at the lights right now and so did she at one point, huh?

Yeah, yeah. Okay. What did she overdose on? Was it that sweet dick in my right? You know it. No. Blancz, she was taken ketamine from her where she was working and then she couldn't get it, I guess, and she took something else.

Ah, yes. I hope all of you austenites, listening to this fucking ketamine addicts All right. Yeah, I got real in here just then people are like, wait, why you ran out of ketamine? What the fuck? Everybody's thinking what I was thinking like that doesn't sound like an accidental like she was still as you work Sound like she will you say accidentally overdose I thought you mean like it was some prescribed medication that she took too many. Well, she was on Xanax and stuff too,

and found a pen and there's a mic. Damn. How long were you married for? Uh, about 15 years. 15 years. When did that happen? Uh, March of 2021. March 2021.

My god, that had to be fucking hard, huh? Oh, yeah. Wow, so how many times now a day do you masturbate in your closet? I'm not up to two yet, but right you're working on the tears help working on it Yeah You can be happy now stop being being sad ladies, turning it around. This is what's magical about the show. I love it.

So, very, very cool. How long have you wanted to try stand-up comedy? I've been watching the show for about six months. March this year, I got tickets, and then I started thinking, well, if I get the opportunity, I'll get there and I'll put my name in the bucket. We'll give it a shot. Very cool. Let me tell you something, man.

You have one of the hardest things to have like for people to get its likeability. Just automatic. You're likeable. You talk about some dark shit, but you, you write there on the line and it's impressive. You should do more. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Thank you. Thank you. What do you do for fun? Yeah! Thank you, thank you. What do you do for fun? I want to know more about you. Tell us more about the life of Brett Schmickton-Schmokten. Recently, I've actually been going to do a lot more cowboy games, doing stuff, getting out into it.

Is that where you lived, Dallas? Yeah, nice. In our LinkedIn, yeah. Okay, Borne and Raised there? No, Borne and Raised, Minnesota. Nice. Yeah, how long have you been in Dallas LinkedIn, yep. Okay, Borne and Raised there? No, Borne and Raised, Minnesota. Nice. Yeah, how long have you been in Dallas? 11 years.

Beautiful, congratulations for getting out of Minnesota. Oh, I know. That's it. Family wants me to go back, I don't think it's going to happen. Yeah, it's very much just Canada. Yeah. Don't go away. So now you're in Dallas, 11 years.

What did you do to cope with the loss? What did you, how did you recover from that? You have kids? I have two kids. They're 13 and 15 right now. Right. And so you're just out there rocking. It's super cool, single dad.

Yeah, yeah. OK, have you brought any ladies back to the house yet? Not in that sense. OK, what do you do to cope with the Cowboys losing so much? Oh, come on! Come on. I'm talking about a serious thing. I'm thankful they're sponsored by Miller Light, not Bud Light.

You sign up a bitch. You sign up a bitch. Okay, so what do you mean not in that sense? I wouldn't bring someone like through the back door. You sneak in, yeah, I got a window. You make sure that the kids are asleep or whatever. Yep, and then they come in. Okay, you're a funny guy.

I think this guy might have poisoned his wife, no? Yeah. Benadrill helps. Right. I gotta go to my shift to Topgolf kids. Yeah. Make sure you double check the measurements. You don't wanna over-bentage your old them

and follow them in the mother's footsteps. So is that hard to do? Is it hard to sneak a woman in with a 13 and a 15 year old? Did they bust you yet? No, but I mean like in Austin, I got no tell. You not afraid of it? They think they'd that can get no pussy Oh my my my kids it's creepy

They tell me often that their friends think it look like Johnny sins Yeah, you're 13 and you're 15 year old. No about a porn star star? Yeah, no, when my daughter was 10, her friends are telling me that my friends look like Johnny sins. He's brought up Johnny sins and you do indeed look like Johnny sins. This just in, you look like Johnny sins. That is incredible. How do your kids know about that? That's a great question.

I invite their friends do, and I said church yesterday with my daughter. Oh, yes. And one of the little... Johnny confessing his sins. And one of my daughter's friends saw me and he mulled to me and her. Oh Johnny sins. So parents are right there. I'm like oh I can read this. Your kids know who Johnny sins is and what makes you think they're not going to find this episode of Kill Tony and which you're talking about sneaking a hose into their house. 100% they will, but it's all for laughs.

I love it. Amazing. Yeah, it's just jokes. Just jokes. What else about you? What else do you do for fun? Not a whole lot. I mean, do the sporting goods, the sporting stuff.

My kids in basketball So it's a lot of taking him to and from practices And getting out more I ended up finding a like swinger bar where I live Oh shit look at you hell yeah, and was oddly hit on by like a really old guy that right? Well, you're a fan of the cowboys Wow Right? You're a fan of the Cowboys, so. I mean. Wow. So I'm going to go back to a question I asked earlier and then blue by, how did you fill that void? How did you cope with the loss of your,

were you there when it happened, you found her? No, so I was making dinner and was like plating it all up. So she's usually home around the same time every night. Oh, God. And I got a knock on the door, like a very like authoritative knock. Oh, God. And I'm like, oh shit, this isn't going to be good. It's like, I don't know if it's going to be like someone

trying to like bust in. Right. Was that her knocking on heaven to the door? Oh, I'm sorry. It's one of my favorite songs. I'm sorry. Now, it's this local PD. Yeah. And they, in the kids were there

They were in the vicinity, but we have a ring camera and it's all linked to their phone So my daughter comes running around the corner. Oh my god mom's dead. Oh, no Do you remember what you made that day? What was for dinner? I'm just curious. Ooh, pork chops, wow. Bones are a- Bones are a- She missed out! Oh my goodness, yeah. Oh! Ha-ha-ha!

Balsamic glaze. Oh my goodness, balsamic glaze, with just a pepper of Xanax on top. She would have loved it. She would have loved it. Incredible. I cannot get enough of your sense of humor. I mean, it is incredible to watch you laugh at this stuff and digest it.

Be able to roll with that. I mean, my mind is completely blown that we have fans of the show that are, you know, this fucking cool. You know, you coped with something, you dealt with something, you come up here, you have a magical night like this. I love it, I'm gonna give you the second big joke book of the night by the great Bones Eye. Hell yeah. Thank you. Make some noise for Brett Hephovicin, everybody. Brett, show them my son. All right, we're getting son. All right. We're getting deeper in the show.

We have not had a female comedian tonight, so I pulled in the bucket until I found one. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Anastasia Lawless. Everybody, here we go. Come on, one more time for Anastasia everybody let's go What is up mother fuckers I Love whores sluts and porn stars because they are willing to do the jobs I will gladly do the paperwork to outsource all right, you know what I'm saying?

Do I want a train run on me not particularly? They are willing to do the jobs I will gladly do the paperwork to outsource. All right, you know what I'm saying? Do I want to train right on me? Not particularly, you know. I had a gentleman ask me recently though. How do you know you don't want to train right on you? It says I'm such a genuine lady. I really gave it some thought, you know. It's not the multiple dicks I have issue with.

It's the multiple ego stroking afterwards. Ladies, you know what I'm talking about. Did you like it? Did you come? Motherfucker, you know how I know you came because as you were coming and I'm like, I'm coming, I'm coming, I'm coming Yeah, if I didn't do that, it's a good bet that I didn't fucking come. Yeah, good fucking bet Yeah, no, I'm gonna leave that work to the ladies of the night with the heart of fucking gold all right they're fucking amazing at it they're fucking great at it they're like yeah daddy right there you're the best I ever had a lot easier to lie when you get paid for it you know what I'm saying

okay anesthesia lawless very interesting set talking about how silent you I'm saying. Okay, Anastasia Lawless. Very interesting set talking about how silent you stay. What's more silent, you during sex are the audience during your sets. I'm actually, I'm actually very vocal, but you know, you have to make me come, you know, like, and I'll tell you, like, I'm coming, you know, just like you guys do.

I'm like, is that your real voice yes okay all right is that your real voice yes yes it is it is it's been working for me for 16 years this is your this is your first time on the show no okay when was your last time on the show it's been about a year how did that go it went well Have you washed your hair since then? Yes, it's very hot outside though. It is indeed. It is indeed. It is indeed. Black sweat glancing. Okay, absolutely. All right, Anna Staser. What do you do for work? I'm a postpartum dola new born care specialist. What does that mean? I take care of babies and I help parents and families in the beginning stages of their

journey into New Family Land. What qualifications do you have to have to do that? I have lots of experience. I have taken 50 hour courses and yeah, I've traveled the states doing it. Okay. You have to have certified. You know CPR certified is very... Have you ever had to save a baby?

I have had to help a baby from choking to death, yes. What did you do up to do? You like plunge the stuff out of it? Actually, it's not, and I have to be current on my courses. So I have to say, you should not do this anymore. But it used to be that you could do the little hook. What is that? Is that you getting a butt plug out of an ass?

No. Do you get the plug out of an ass The food out of their mouth. You know, oh, so it was choking. Yeah, were you feeding it? No, it was someone else was feeding it She was feeding herself She's a toddler. Yeah, okay All right Okay, we're just thing that's ever happened when you're working with these babies anything ever stand out to you All of your all of your tons and tons and tons of experience. Where does thing that ever happens to me was a baby with pyloric stenosis.

Ooh, what's that? Sounds like a future kiltony right? It is a genetic condition where they do not fully digest their food. So even after like 30 minutes, they're projectiling their whole bottle and yeah. So this baby was doing that for I want to say three weeks before I got there. That's wow because you just did it for one minute on the kill-tongue. Yeah. That was incredible. That is true.

It is amazing. How long you been on stand-up anesthesia? June will be two years. June will be two years. June will be two years. All of it here in Austin, Texas? Yes. I do believe there is a universal hamburger we're going on right now. That is incredible.

Baby vomiting all over everything, everywhere. Missing its postpartum with bibby-bibob. OK. What do you do for fun anesthesia? What's like your wild nightlife like? Uh, I don't really have a wild life night in my 30s, so. Right, perfect. You're already basically dead, you're right.

No, I like to, you know, hike and I like to write songs and write poetry and I do pastel work. Anastasia, how many burning man's in a row have you been to? I've never been, I don't have that much money. What? Yeah. Yeah, I mean. Change your stage name to Anastasia because she is pretty good.

Absolutely. Oh my goodness. Speaking of Anastasia, how about one more time for the last guys wife everybody? Yeah He's laughing. I see him. He's laughing for those of you groaning He's laughing. Oh look who's not laughing over here fucking Jesus Christ Amazing Anastasia. Wow.

Are you in a relationship? No. When's the last time you were in a relationship? I was actually an attend your relationship. Okay. When did that end? The train. No, like I said, I'm not into the, I'm not into drains, you know. What just happened there?

He said the train and I said, I'm not into trains. So that's not what ended our relationship. COVID. COVID ended your relationship. Yeah. Okay, what happened? We had to spend all our time together and we're like, oh, we fucking hate each other.

Right, and then after everything you say, you go, he's like, Jesus fucking Christ. I can't fucking deal with it. Somebody give me some fucking Yeah, there it is Incredible what did he do for a living ten years in a relationship? That's a long time We both are just hustlers. We do what we need to do to make money Okay, right say that you can train babies or whatever Train babies. I don't train them, I just help parents.

Can we make you come? Oh yeah, I wouldn't be with somebody for 10 years and they wouldn't make me fucking come. But it seems like he didn't want to be with somebody for 10 years either. Ha ha ha. How did it end? Was it his idea?

No, it was mutual. Okay, all right. Did you guys lift together? Yeah. And you don't lift together. We were engaged, everything, yeah. Wow, look at mutual. Okay. All right. Did you guys lift together? Yeah. And you don't lift together. We were engaged to everything. Wow. Look at that.

Incredible. What cracker braille did he propose to? He did not propose that crackle there. No. But he did propose to a barrel that is a cracker. I'm actually mixed. Oh, really? What are you mixed with?

I'm Japanese and white. Yeah. Oh wow. I don't really see the Japanese at all. And I don't see the intelligence of the Japanese running through either. Incredible. What is the most Japanese thing about you, a bad driver? No. No. What do you think is the most Japanese thing about you ever do anything? And you're like, ah, it's my Japanese side.

Like me, I talk with my hands. I'm Italian. Your Japanese. What's your thing? Well, the laughing, the giggling, the Asian giggle. Oh, I do see it. It's about the suicide bombing language. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Hey! It's pretty good. I don't know if I'm allowed to make that noise yet. It's been two years and I'm not. It's not me anymore. Right.

Okay. Anastasia, congratulations. You got on the show again. You already have a little joke book I'm guessing from your last time. You have a big joke book? Incredible. Well, you should use it. There she goes. Anastasia Lawless, everybody.

And now everybody, we've been through it here tonight. A lot of highs, a lot of lows. Hans Kim retain the reentry of David Lucas into the Kiltzone universe, the shining performance of the future, Cam Patterson, and two unbelievably compelling inside the building bucket pulls. A lot of hard bombings, a lot of people,

I mean, the thing about Austin becoming the comedy capital of the world is that a lot of the best comedians in the world are moving here, which also means that a lot of the worst comedians in the world are moving here. We got to see some of those tonight, and now that all comes to an end. Now I would bet everything I own that the next few minutes are going to be fun as hell because I know because this guy has the record for most appearances all time on this show. The most interviews, the most new minutes. Ladies and gentlemen, you know him, you love him, it's the vanilla gorilla, the Memphis Strangler, the big red machine. William Montgomery!

Shout out to all my boys in Jamaica for the happy June teens! I think the worst thing that ever happened to me was when I met my haters at age 3. A submarine that takes tourists deep into the ocean took to look at the Titanic wreckage is missing. The last time five Taurus got lost in something that deep, Red Bands mom was screaming, what in a time? What in a time? I'm actually thinking about becoming a Titanic truth or you mean you couldn't avoid an iceberg in an ocean that big In Arizona man was malted death by a bear in an unprovoked attack wait unprovoked that dumbass walked up right to a motherfucker wow Okay Unbelievable Okay, that's unbelievable. Unbelievable.

Unbelievable. The man is in pure fighting shape. Always makes it. Never misses. Again and again and again. The Titanic Truth or joke, perhaps being my favorite joke of the night tonight. Your delivery, your style, your energy, you've never been stronger. We found you when you were a bloated obese mess.

And I remember I still get the memories on my Instagram some time of years ago and it's a bunch of me listening to the old back just zooming in on inanimate objects. If four in the morning, yeah, it makes me feel weird. But luckily, I think we're past that Trevor, I think. What did you mean when you said that you met all your haters when you were three? When I was three, I actually went to a place called Silver Springs outside of Gainesville, Florida.

And I went up there to get the snake wrapped around my neck and that I was like, where are you from? And I kept on saying America. And then everybody was laughing. And I didn't understand why and he kept on asking me where I was from. And I kept on saying America. And there were a couple of fucking haters out in the crowd. And I remember looking at him, just thinking I am from America. I don't get it. So it's pretty much that. Just it's silver springs. If y'all are ever outside of Gainesville, Florida, visit Silver Springs.

They have a really great glass bottom boat. And Tony, I'm glad you asked me about that. I actually have a new sponsor tonight. Silver Springs theme park outside of Gainesville, Florida. Wow. Yeah. Yeah. So Tony, you know what I love about William? Yeah.

Is that he's sober now and he's still weird as fuck. Yeah. When he came out here, because I came out here way after these two, when he came out here and I heard he got sober and all saw this one, I was like, oh, William, we're gonna be fucking normal now, no. It's some of the fun. This is him off cocaine, you understand that? Yeah.

There's a certain amazing group of comedians that get sober and they stay weird, you know. It is incredible. There's an all-star lineup. You, Theo, right? Tim Dillon. Who else? I think Gallagher, he famously got sober, the guy who did all the watermelon stuff. I mean, he was really bad off on Crystal Math, but indeed.

It's great that you mentioned Gallagher. all the watermelon stuff. I mean he's really bad off on crystal meth but indeed indeed it's great that you mentioned. John Malady has a really bad crystal meth problem too. Yeah I think he got who a sin bad I think at a really bad crystal meth problem as well. He got so over he was still weird. Shout out to Gallagher who smashed more watermelons than anybody on Juneteenth ever has So tell to Gallic Wait, that wasn't as good Happy Juneteenth

So Juneteenth is a Jamaican holiday to you? Yes, I think it is that's the little I did a little bit of research earlier. I think it started out in Jamaica Where did you do this research at exactly? It's on a mad magazine. I've been reading about your mad magazine. There was an article How pretty new and still going strong, but I read it in mad magazine. I love it. How much is the Silver Springs amusement park paying you? Is that what it's called? Yes, Silver Springs amusement park right outside of Gainesville, Florida down in the... How much are they paying you each time you say that? Each time I say Silver Springs amusement park outside of Gainesville, Florida, it's $1,000.

Wow! Please go to Silver Springs amusement park outside of Gainesville, Florida. Can you describe it to us? So there's some rides or anything that people should check out. Yeah, there's a glass bottom boat. You can actually, when I went with my family, they, it's a boat with literally a glass bottom. So you can look down into the springs.

When I went with my family, I think in the early 90s, they actually saw a bloated corpse down there. So they had to close down the amusement park. Yeah, it was like this Hispanic guy thing. He got super bloated. He was, I guess, doing some scuba diving stuff down in the springs. And yeah, we saw him and I was asking my dad what was going on and my dad refused to tell me

and it turned into a thing. And then that piece of shit literally put a snake around my neck, Tony. And he was asking me where I was from. And I kept on saying America, and I didn't understand why everybody was laughing about it! That thing that you do sometimes, where you get really loud,

and it sounds kind of like urban, unlike the way that you normally speak. It sounds kind of, what would the word be? It's a wiki ki-beet! Where do you, he screams like James Brown? Yeah! Yeah! You do, where do you think that comes from?

Where did that start? We had a really sweet lady that used to help out my parents, an African-American lady growing up and her name was Imaging and she kind of got me talking like that from an early age. Okay. What was Imaging? What kind of help was she providing exactly when you say she was helping? Folding towels, doing the bedding, doing the dog walking, making the meals.

I'm trying to figure out what my parents were actually doing back then. I mean, imagine you were doing everything! Seriously, I'm trying to run and run and figure out what the fuck they were doing. I love how when William's just talking, he sounds like somebody that can't cook, and when he screams, he sounds like somebody that knows every recipe. That is true. How long was Emma Jean in your life?

How is she still with your parents? She is not. She sadly got in a... There's actually a lot of quicksand outside of Memphis, and she... Went out for a swim one day in the quicksand, got her. A lot of people are these days are like, oh quicksand, I'm never around quicksand outside of Memphis and she went out for a swim one day in the quicksand God or a lot of people are these days are like oh quicksand I'm never around quicksand it's really not that deadly well I can tell you first and quicksand is

deadliest shit if you ever are around it don't get in it cuz it'll suck yonder that's what I have an imaging. That is unbelievable. William, is there anything else we need to know about another unbelievable performance? It's in fact a basal cell carcinoma that I have on my fucking neck. I have to get it lasered off this Wednesday. So this Wednesday you're going under the laser. Yes, going under the laser. We know it's not an uncle laser because we're not going to see him for a while. That's...

Come on, remember that earlier, Winnie? Remember that? Yeah, gotta go under the laser. Hopefully it'll be all right. Also, for anybody who watched last week's episode, it was thinking maybe that was dog abuse bringing Gator out here. She was shaking really bad.

I'm happy to report she actually got drunk as shit in mid sees After the shows you was taking it to Gila's app She was taking it yeah She was doing Is this that weirdo you were talking about? You spotted him. You spotted him. That's incredible. He really stands out in the pile.

You could tell because he's the only one that has no emotion on his face whatsoever. Is the guy from TikTok that likes the trains? Have you ever seen him? Oh yeah, my gosh, Mr. Roberts. Is that your TikTok handle? I'm kidding. You bitch. I don't know the fuck

So you were saying that the dog that was in question of animal cruelty last week because it was shaking profusely It's sweet little dog that you bought That all is well because it was doing shots of liquor afterwards. Yeah, she's, what, eight weeks old, nine weeks old now, so I'm thinking, I can't drink, but my loved ones are sure as shit going to be drinking, so I got her drinking pretty early on. I'm just a little worried. She's such a small little dog.

I'm worried about the size of her liquor. I'm worried about the size of her kidneys. I'm worried about the size of her kidneys. I don't know if it's a sustainable thing, but she's having fun. I'm having fun. We all have a fun. William Montgomery, we absolutely love you. Another unbelievable performance.

Get him on cameo. He's traveling the world with me on my stand-up tour, the fully grown tour Adding shows as we go. It's a massive stand up theater tour if I'm coming near your city I highly implore you to come along join in on the fun Shout out to the Red Rose the yellow Rose Austin security guard service gelbless for CM Smokehouse and screwball peanut butter whiskey I've got one more time for the band everybody Matt Muleling, John Bees, De-Madness, Paul Deamer,

Michael Gonzalez, the drawing from Ryan J. E-Belt is then that pops up on your screen right now. The drawing from Chris Rogers, local artist is in. I do believe that's the great Paul Deamer right there on the horns, absolutely. How loud can this place get from my guests? The great Brian Simpson, everyone. Brian Simpson, comedy.com.

He's coming soon to Denver and New York. Listen to BS with Brian Simpson. Have a one more time for the great Trevor Wallace, everyone. Trevor Wallace, comedy.com. Filming his special here in Austin, a paramount of fourth in the july Do believe it's sold out already? Listen to stiff socks with Trevor Wallace. We did it again

Check out my new comedy club the sunset strip sunset strip at x.com. I love you guys. Good night everybody I'm going go home, I'm gonna go home, I'm gonna go home, I'm gonna go home, I'm gonna go home, I'm gonna go home, I'm gonna go home, I'm gonna go home, I'm gonna go home, I'm gonna go home, I'm gonna go home, I'm gonna go home, I'm gonna go home, I'm gonna go home, I'm gonna go home, I'm gonna go home, I'm gonna go home, I'm gonna go home, I'm gonna go home, I'm gonna go home, I'm gonna go home, I'm gonna go home, I'm gonna go home, I'm gonna go home, I'm gonna go home, I'm gonna go home, I'm gonna go home, I'm gonna go home, I'm gonna go home, I'm gonna go home, I'm gonna go home, I'm gonna go home, I'm gonna go home, I'm gonna go home, I'm gonna go home, I'm gonna go home, I'm gonna go home, I'm gonna go home, I'm gonna go home, I'm gonna go home, I'm gonna go home, I'm gonna go home, I'm gonna go home, I'm gonna go home, I'm gonna go home, I'm gonna go home, I'm gonna go home, I'm gonna go home, I'm gonna go home, I'm gonna go home, I'm gonna go home, I'm gonna go home, I'm gonna go home, home, I'm gonna go home, I'm gonna go home, home, I'm gonna go home, I'm gonna go home, I'm gonna go home, home, I'm gonna go home, I'm gonna go home, I'm gonna go home, I'm gonna go home, I'm gonna go home, I'm gonna go home, home, I'm gonna go home, I'm gonna go home, I'm gonna go home, I'm gonna go home, home, I'm gonna go home, I'm gonna go home, I'm gonna go home, I'm gonna go home, I'm going to play a little bit more. I'm going to play a little bit more. I'm going to play a little bit more. I'm going to play a little bit more. I'm going to play a little bit more. I'm going to play a little bit more. I'm going to play a little bit more. I'm going to play a little bit more. I'm going to play a little bit more. I'm going to play a little bit more.

I'm going to play a little bit more. I'm going to play a little bit more. I'm going to play a little bit more. I'm going to play a little bit more of a little bit more of a little bit more of a little bit more, I'm not a man, I'm not a man, I'm not a man, ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...

... ... ... ... ... ... ... 1.0.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1. Thanks for watching! you