KILL TONY - #624 - THAI RIVERA

Starting point is 00:00:00 Hey, this is RedBan and you are listening to the Desquad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Desquad.tv. If you want to check out our merch, go to shop squad.tv for Desquad merch and tour dates or go to Kill Merch for all the Killone merch, including posters, hats, shirts and hoodies, KillMurch.com. ToneHinchCliff has his own website, ToneHinchCliff.com. He's on a huge tour right now, so check out his website to find more information that's ToneHinchCliff.com.

Starting point is 00:00:38 I have a brand new comedy club. It's next door to the mothership. It's called the Sunset Strip Comedy Club, you can check out my secret show every Thursday at the Sunset Strip, or go to sunsetstripatx.com for more information. And now here's a brand new episode of Killtony. Hey y'all, hello fresh takes the workout of eating well,

Starting point is 00:01:03 with meals like cheesy smashed burgers, which aren't just easy, they're delicious. Get 50% off plus free shipping with code 5-0KTShow at hellofresh.com slash 5-0KTShow. Again, that's 5-0KTShow at hellofresh.com slash 5-0KTShow. Hello Charlotte North Carolina, I will be at the night theater at the LeBeen Center for the Arts. August 25th. 5-0 KT Show. hensclub.com Whoa, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, alive from the comedy mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony Give it up for Tony, it's clear Fuck yeah, make some noise with a great Brian Redbanner. Are we doing this shit tonight? Are you a good fucking crowd? Ryan Red Band everybody are we doing this shit tonight? Are you a good fucking crowd? E-B!

Starting point is 00:02:44 Hell yeah, you're at the number one live podcast in the world. This is Kiltoni brought to you by Gel Blaster, Red Rose, Yellow Rose, Austin Security Guard Service, connect mobile health where you can get IV drips here in Austin, Texas, delivered straight to wherever you are. You're hung over at some random hotel, go to cmhus.com, get an IV drip. Use the code KIL-10, let him know that we sent you. The Hall Firm, a new sponsor, the best DUI lawyer in the city.

Starting point is 00:03:14 Fuck yeah! So, if you get a little excited after your IV drip, get fucked up, get a DUI. We got you there too. Prize picks, TonyHenchcliff.com, providing the new Tony Hingecliff global tour. And Scruball peeing up at our whiskey, which presents the Kill Tony band everybody. Come on. You heard them.

Starting point is 00:03:36 The podcast listeners have no idea what you people just got to enjoy. That's the great Michael Gonzalez on the drums. Paul Deemer on the horns. Met Muleling on the drums. Paul Deemer on the horns. Matt Muleing on the electric. The founding member of the Austin band, John Dees back from score with Gary Clark Jr. And this right here is the one and only force known as D Madness, everybody live in the flesh.

Starting point is 00:04:03 We are in for a hoot-nanny of an episode. But before we start, here is more from the amazing sponsors that made tonight's episode available for you. Here, right now. What's something you think we should know about you is we get to know you. What do you think of 3,000 people in front of you? What's something interesting about you?

Starting point is 00:04:22 I'm not retarded, but I like rocks. Hey, this is Red Band and if you don't know, I now own a comedy club. The Sunset Strip comedy club on 6th Street in downtown Austin, Texas. Right next door to the comedy mothership, check it out. We have show as every single night, but most importantly, every Thursday I put on the secret show. What you might hear all about in Killtony, but you have to go to SunsetStripATX.com to get your tickets. And this episode of Killtony is brought to you by Zypix Toothpix. Zypix brings you a totally satisfying, convenient, and flavorful way to curb cravings. Get a boost of energy or simply relax at the end of your day.

Starting point is 00:05:33 Remember when massive vape clouds, ash trays, and dipspit were awesome. Well now there's an easier, cheaper, less messy, and more subtle way to curb cravings with Zypix Toothpix. The best part of Zypix is that you really can use them just about anywhere with two milligrams per pic and some three milligram option. Zippix toothpicks are long lasting, extremely affordable and available in six delicious flavor choices. I've been using them on flights lately and boy is it a amazing nicotine life hack red band.

Starting point is 00:06:01 Yeah, it's great. They also sell these like little containers to put the man. I love them. It's the oral gratification and amazing flavors that keep us coming back to Zippix Also if you need a boost of energy try their zip energy B12 and caffeine toothpicks No doubt about it. You guys have seen us use Zippix on the podcast now It's time to find out for yourself. Go to zippix toothpicks.com today and use code kiltony 10 to get 10% off your order That's zippix toothpicks.com promo code kilton Tony 10 must be 21 or older to purchase. Zip more! Smoke less with zippx toothpicks. Hey y'all, everybody gets down sometimes and it deeply affects

Starting point is 00:06:35 everyone's life including them and everyone around them. You know sometimes it helps to talk to a therapist but you might not know where to get started. But talk space makes it easy to find a therapist you like. It's convenient to meet online at home or wherever you're most comfortable. Talk space has made a huge difference in many people's lives. It's accessible and affordable. A lot of people don't think that a therapist or psychiatrist would be helpful, but don't have the time to find and meet with one of them or afford them.

Starting point is 00:07:03 But with talk space, you can do everything online. They've made getting the help you want easy, accessible, and affordable. When you've met your therapy goals, or simply want to cancel, Talkspace is a simple cancellation process and we'll work with you to get a pro-rated refund for unused time if applicable.

Starting point is 00:07:17 Err, Edban. It's incredibly convenient to have virtual sessions with your licensed therapists from the comfort of your own home. Talkspace lets you send messages to your therapist so you don't have to wait for your next session. Therapy can help you shift your perspective, find tools to cope and difficult times and be a guiding light. Talkspace is affordable and in network with most insurers. And as a listener of this podcast, you'll get $80 off your first month with Talkspace. When you go to talkspace.com slash Tony.

Starting point is 00:07:46 Dimash with a license therapist today, go to Talkspace.com slash Tony to get $80 off your first month and show your support for the show. That's Talkspace.com slash Tony. Hey everybody, if you're hiring, you know that it's incredibly hard to attract top talent. And with the current labor market conditions, it's even harder than ever. That's why you want a partner who gets it. Zipper Cruder. Zipper Cruder knows how tough it is right now,

Starting point is 00:08:13 but they figured out solutions for the problems you're facing. See for yourself right now. You could try them for free at zippercruder.com slash Killtony. Ever read, man? Yeah, if you need to hire really fast, Zipper Cruder has this great technology.

Starting point is 00:08:27 It finds matches for your job sooner. And if you want first dibs on talent, Zipper Cruder lets you invite the most qualified candidates to apply for your job. It's pricing is straightforward, has no surprise costs, and it reaches the right people. Zipper Cruder posts your job to 100 plus job sites. No doubt about it.

Starting point is 00:08:46 Team up with a hiring partner who understands what you need. Zipper Cruder, four out of five employers who post on Zipper Cruder get a quality candidate within the first day. Just go to this exclusive web address to try Zipper Cruder for free. That's zippercuder.com slash killtony. Again, zippercuder.com slash k-i-l-l-t-o-n. Why? Because Zipper Cruder. Again, zippercrooter.com slash K-I-L-L-T-O-N-Y?

Starting point is 00:09:06 Because zippercrooter. The smartest way to hire. Hey all, if you watch the show, you know that I love packages. And of all the packages that get dropped off at my door, hands down the best box I open every month is my box of awesome from Be Spokepost. My box of awesome is filled with carefully chosen gear from the best small brands around the world. You know what I got this month?

Starting point is 00:09:28 Was the Slash. The knife in the Slash box is made by bare bones based in Salt Lake City, a real American company. No matter what you have going on this summer, box of awesome has you covered from camping gear essentials, cookout must-haves, and drink game upgrades. Box of awesome has collections for every part of your life. Red ban. Oh, I got a good one this month.

Starting point is 00:09:48 I got the American barbecue robe in the Carnivore box, and it's made by the great American spice company in Rockford, Michigan. To get started, it's really easy. Just go to boxofawesome.com. Your answers will help them pick the right box of awesome for you. They release new boxes every month across a ton of different categories. Each box is a value at around 70 release new boxes every month across a ton of different categories.

Starting point is 00:10:05 Each box is a value at around 70 bucks, but you only pay a fraction of that price. Plus with each box of awesome, you're supporting small businesses. 90% of everything that comes in your box of awesome is from a small up and coming brand. It's free to sign up, and you could skip a month or cancel anytime.

Starting point is 00:10:21 That's right. Get 20% off your first monthly box when you sign up at boxofawesome.com and enter the code Kiltone. Check out that boxofawesome.com code Kiltone for 20% off your first box. Boxofawesome.com code Kiltone. Hey y'all, if you're a Kiltone fan, you know that buying tickets isn't always the easiest thing. Buying tickets to your favorite events shouldn't be stressful. Game time is the fast and easy way to buy tickets for all the sports music, comedy, and theater near you. With killer deals on last minute tickets and their best price guarantee, you can stop stressing over the tickets and start getting hyped for the fun you'll have. I can look through the Game Time app right now, and I can see, hey, look, my dear friend

Starting point is 00:11:01 Snoop Dogg, who I've roasted to a crisp before is performing on the 18th of the Germania Insurance Amp at the Inter-Jake in 21 Savage at the Moody Center here in Austin, Texas. Pantera, also at the Germania. A lot of great stuff happening. Flash deals, last minute tickets, easy to find and buy tickets, every kind of event in your area. He'll give you images of seat views, lowest price guarantee, event cancellation, protection, job loss, protection, etc. And there's a game time guarantee that means you'll always

Starting point is 00:11:32 get the best price. If you find tickets in the same section and row for less, game time will credit you 110% of the difference. Forget planning months and events, game time has deals on tickets right up to the day of the event. And you get images of the seat before you buy, so you know exactly what to expect when you arrive, and you buy tickets in a matter of seconds, just two taps in your set. Tickets are sent directly to your phone, so you never have to dig through your email. Snag the tickets without the stress, with game time. Download the game time app, create an account, use CodeKill Kill Tony for $20 off your first

Starting point is 00:12:05 purchase terms apply. Again, create an account and redeem Code Kill Tony for $20 off. Download Game Time today. Last minute tickets, lowest price, guaranteed. Hey y'all, I have to tell you about this super blend I'm loving called Kachava. It's hands down the best thing I've found to feed my body, the nutrients and craves. Kachava is an all-in-one plant-based super blend made up of super foods, greens, plant proteins, antioxidants, adeptions, and probiotics.

Starting point is 00:12:28 In other words, everything your body craves to fuel your best. And I know what you're thinking. Something that's good for me can't possibly taste delicious, but that's where Kachava really earns their thousands of five star reviews. It tastes amazing. It's creamy, smooth, and comes in five delicious flavors. Chocolate and vanilla are my two favorites, but it also comes in matcha, coconut assa, some folks like the thing of it

Starting point is 00:12:48 is a part of a healthy breakfast or lunch, but others think of it as a protein pack snack before or after a workout. I know I do, it feeds me after I'm a after a long day on the golf course with 25 grams of plant protein per serving, red ban. Personally, I love to eat it right when I wake up with breakfast, lunch every day

Starting point is 00:13:04 before a workout after a work out whenever I'm craving It makes me feel great for hours energized and ready for my days so good knowing all those nutrients. I'm putting in my body And you know what my first impression was wow, this is delicious. I love drinking it It makes my day better because I don't like eating. It's easy to just to pound down right before I go out. I am so with you on that pound down to pound town. Kachava is offering our listeners 10% off for a limited time. Just go to kachava.com slash Tony spelled K-A-C-H-A-V-A and get 10% off your

Starting point is 00:13:44 first order. That's K-A-C-H-A-V-A and get 10% off your first order. That's K-A-C-H-A-V-A.com slash Tony. You guys ready to start tonight's show? Ladies and gentlemen, every single week, you never know what you're going to get. You know, this is one of those shows where, sure, sometimes we have fucking big celebrities, sometimes, and sometimes I introduce you to people that have been doing it about as This is one of those shows where, sure, sometimes we have fucking big celebrities sometimes and sometimes I introduce you to people that have been doing it about as long as me that are about to pop and be fucking famous. I take great pride in introducing the comedy fans of Kiltoni to some of the, you know,

Starting point is 00:14:20 biggest comedians coming up in the game, whether it was Shane Gillis years ago or Tim Dylan years before that or this or that this is one of those guys I've been performing with this guy since we were doing open mics together in LA 16 years ago waiting out and under the sun in the daytime to basically perform in front of each other now he's a fucking monster he lives here in Austin Texas I've waited a long time to have him on solo one of our favorite guests of all time. One of my favorite comedians working today makes some fucking noise for the great Ty Rivera, everybody. Ty Rivera. My man. Fun. He's a diabolical comedian.

Starting point is 00:15:04 A wild-looking human being, so get that out of your systems. Little bit, little bit. He's very, very, very interesting. He's both thuggish and what would you consider yourself? A faggot. That's right. Thank you. That one's in the episode.

Starting point is 00:15:21 You can say it. I can't, even though I seem gay or the new. It's weird how that works. I heard you say it right before I came out. That was during the commercial break, though. On YouTube, you can say it, but I can't. That's how weird things have gotten, because I believe it or not, like girls.

Starting point is 00:15:41 We edited out five of those F words on tonight's episode. That's here very tonight. Really? Oh, OK. Well, I just got word. We have signups from China, India, Ireland, and Canada in the bucket. That's very interesting.

Starting point is 00:15:55 I hope we get China out here tonight. Oh, boy. Anyway, Ty, you've been on this show numerous times. This is your first time doing it alone with us, with a beautiful machine running at a thousand miles an hour. Nothing can stop us. You know how it works. Tons of fucking people sign up.

Starting point is 00:16:14 I mean, it's absolutely ridiculous. Over 200 people, like I said, people from all around the world in the bucket. If I pull their name out, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means their stand-up comedy time is done, or else they bring out the angry West Tully would bear, which just interrupts them.

Starting point is 00:16:33 And then I interview them. We find out more about them and what makes them interesting. Now, while we have a whole bucket full of comedians, we like to start the show with a little something special. We have a few regulars on this show, in which every single week they have the very not easy, very judged job of doing a new 60 seconds

Starting point is 00:16:55 every week in front of the entire internet. This guy started on this show over two years ago, and his complete, his life is completely fucking changed. I mean we've seen him have ups, downs, he's been challenged by numerous people trying to take his job. How many of you are fans of the show? Well then maybe you know the words. If you guys start singing, maybe I'll just say his name. You guys know the words? This is Hans Kim. This is Hans Kim. This is Hans Kim. This is Hans Kim. This is Hans Kim. This is Hans Kim. Everybody.

Starting point is 00:17:28 This is Hans Kim. This is Hans Kim. This is Hans Kim. This is Hans Kim. This is Hans Kim. This is Hans Kim. This is Hans Kim. This is Hans Kim.

Starting point is 00:17:36 This is Hans Kim. This is Hans Kim. What's up? This is going to be here. My name is Hans Kim. And I'm pretty good at fingering. Whenever I see a dude now washing his hands on the bathroom, I'm like, good, that's 10 fewer fingers that I have to worry about.

Starting point is 00:17:50 Whenever I see a woman squaring around in her seat, I'm like, you shouldn't have gotten fingered by some dirty ass homeless dude. That's why you got that Sriracha pussy right now. It's tired of fingering girls in yoga pants. It's like a resistance band. I was just in LA recently. A lot of snowflakes there, woke people who are like, no means no.

Starting point is 00:18:19 When a girl says stop, you gotta stop. And then they get to a four-way stop and just blow through the stop sign. You got a stop and then they get to a four-way stop and just blow through the stop sign You did not wait for enthusiastic consent Congratulations, you're a rapist All right, that's my time. Thank you. It is indeed 59.5 seconds from the professional Hans Kim. Are you the person that signed up from China tonight? No.

Starting point is 00:18:46 I'm American just like you, Tony. I know. I know my sweet, huh? How about another hand for Hans Cam, everybody? Doing it again. Easy breezy. Making it look easy. I love it.

Starting point is 00:18:59 Love the stop sign joke. How do you feel? How do you feel that it went? I felt it went all right. I felt like, you know, maybe the crowd is like races against Chinese people. Wow. Look at that. I'm Korean. I love it. I have known Hans since he was still in Washington before he got into the van.

Starting point is 00:19:28 Yeah, I don't remember that part, but I think I would remember. Ty, maybe. We were a fan. Ty maybe roofied you and butt fuck the shit out of you, and that's why you don't remember. Last time Hans told me he was homophobic, so that might be why. I love you. I don't like the others, but... You don't like what? The others.

Starting point is 00:19:58 The other what? The gaze. Oh, really? Is that true? Yeah. Oh my goodness. What is it about the gaze that you don't like, Hans? Brutally honest. Almost autistic, Hans Kim. They're like strong like a man, but they're like gossip like a woman, so I can't hurt them. You can't hurt them.

Starting point is 00:20:20 The gaze like getting fingered two Hans. Oh, really? Is there like lub loop for that or? Usually just bit. Oh, boy. Hans, what's been going on this week? Tell us about it. It's always so interesting to find out about your real life. I went to LA with my girlfriend. We got an Airbnb.

Starting point is 00:20:44 We stayed there for five days. She only met me twice. So that's okay. Let's go over it. What were the two times? What did she get mad at you about? This is always interesting. One time she just remembered the fact that I wore a girl shirt that was her naked on it. So she was like, oh, remember that time? I'm mad at you for that now. You didn't even wear it when in LA. She just had a memory. Yeah I thought I'm an entertainer, you know, I do crazy things like, you know, wear porn on my shirt What was the second thing she got mad about some girls? Snapchat and me and you know, I'm not interested in her care. I Don't care about her. How did your girlfriend find out that another girl Snapchatted you?

Starting point is 00:21:33 She probably looked at my phone. But, she probably looked at your phone? What do you mean she probably looked at your phone, huh? I mean, she probably looked at the notification of the home screen. She doesn't have my past code yet, so I love how you said yet Why do you have notifications turned on for Snapchat on your home screen? Oh, you can turn that off Oh my god, you are just a magnet for trouble. It is unbelievable. What other notifications do you have turned on? I have TikTok, I have Instagram, I have everything turned on. Why do you think you have everything turned on except for your girlfriend? Right, because my dick isn't as big as she wants it to be.

Starting point is 00:22:24 Right, because my dick isn't as big as she wants it to be. What the fuck? This is the weirdest show on Planet Earth. Just Hans being Hans up here. Anything else you want to talk about Hans? What else is going on in life? No challenges this week. No challenges for next week. Oh yeah, that was pretty stressful for me last week.

Starting point is 00:22:43 I challenged Brian Redbanz girlfriend. and it was kind of humiliating. I feel like my girlfriend should challenge Brian Redbanz for his job now. Wow. Oh my goodness. I don't want to look in at my phone over here though. That's what I have in the house. What else is going on in life? Hans, anything else? I'm STD free. Wait, when did you find this out? It was like a while ago. I set it on the show, but I'm still STD free. How do you know you're still STD free if you didn't get another test?

Starting point is 00:23:17 Because my girlfriend is the only person I've been having sex with, and I hope she's been faithful to me. I don't think she has probably. Like, have there been anything suspicious? Do you feel like she has perhaps cheated on you? No, she did have dinner with her ex tonight and her moms, but... Wait, what? Why is she having dinner with her ex tonight?

Starting point is 00:23:38 Because he needed his bed back. She was sleeping in his bed. What the fuck? She was sleeping in his bed. She was sleeping in his bed. Yeah, he let her borrow her his bed. But why would they have dinner together? I don't know. Her mom, his mom was there and she likes his mom. She's apparently like dying. So what ever. Wow. Sounds suspicious as fuck. The old dying mom, oh she went and took a nap because she's dying and we just had dinner. He feasted. All right, the demonist just said they fucking in the back. I just heard him say it. So, just let you know, and he has extra senses that we don't have.

Starting point is 00:24:23 And he has extra senses that we don't have. He's like, feel. You can feel the vibration of your girlfriend's former bed right now. Why did they break up originally? Like, what was the reason for them to break up? I think that he was just like a loser, just not doing anything with his life. And your girlfriend does cocaine and nitrous.

Starting point is 00:24:44 It is true. It's just high standards. Hans Fun Time. Fun times, Hans, you did it again and way to get the show started. That's a minute from the great Hans Cam ever. Thank you. Getting us started tonight. The show's nuts.

Starting point is 00:25:01 We pull names out of a bucket and then they get brought to us from the other bar next door. Your first comedian getting an uninterrupted 60 seconds tonight, we're gonna meet them all together. So it could be anything. It could be a star of the future discovered here on Kiltzone. It could be a completely insane person here, perhaps with weapons to murder all of us. Anything can happen. Put your hands together for Tony Wellens, everybody. Sounds like a familiar name. Tony Wellens. Oh, we know Tony. Nicks him, no, it's for Tony, everybody. Come on.

Starting point is 00:25:37 Hello. What's up? I think Pussy is cool. I think Pussy is great. I think in this country we're a fan of penises more though. I think we like, we like Dicks more. If you guys don't believe me, we name a lot of things after penises. You know, we have like cockpits, we have cock roaches, we have cocks, those are chickens, we have peacocks, those are chickens that went to art school. We even have people that we name Dicks. There's people that are named Dicks.

Starting point is 00:26:04 Dicks is a nickname for Richard. I recently named Dick. Dick is a nickname for Richard. I recently learned that a dick was a nickname for Richard. How wild is that? I think that's crazy, because I don't think you would ever see the opposite. You would never see it flipped. You would never see. This is our daughter, Brittany.

Starting point is 00:26:14 We call her Clint for short. We, you call her Clint for short. Yeah, she's very sensitive. She's, don't rub her the wrong way. Don't, uh the wrong way. Don't uh... Sometimes she's hard to find, but uh... Not when you play like me, bitch, okay?

Starting point is 00:26:33 Ha ha ha! I'll be in that pussy all night, bitch, goddamn! Gotta wanna be black so bad. I uh... Thank you so much, everybody. There he is. Tony you so much everybody. There he is. Tony, well-in everyone. Absolutely.

Starting point is 00:26:48 Slighting into black voice there at the end. Just because he wants to. Tyra Vera, what do you think about Tony? To be a straight man, you sure do have a lot of dick on the brain. There is a lot. What's going on there? I just see the... I love pussy. I just, you know, I think about...

Starting point is 00:27:07 I don't know. I don't know how to answer that question. I say, I know, honestly. You got me there. You got me. You got me there. All right. Well, I'll see you at one of the shows. Yeah. Yeah. You might be deep in the closet where that outfit you're wearing tonight belongs That is I was very wrinkly old collection. I was I was not planning to come up here tonight

Starting point is 00:27:33 So so you signed up and you weren't planning on coming up here tonight Well, nobody ever are you a regular on this show? Why would you plan to come up here tonight? I don't God has got my back, but I don't, like, He doesn't have your front, obviously. He doesn't have your front, obviously. He doesn't have your front, obviously. He doesn't have your front, obviously. You look fucked up, dude.

Starting point is 00:27:52 You look like, you look like you just like murdered somebody, and like this is the outfit you had to change into quickly after the murder, like after you got rid of the bloody clothes, you're like, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. What the fuck am I gonna do? I'm gonna fuck again and again. I'm like, he's gonna cause me the rest of the bloody clothes, you're like, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. What the fuck am I gonna do? I'm gonna fuck it, get it, get it, get it. I'm like, it's gonna cause me the rest of my fucking life, fucking out. Don't scrap these fucking shorts. Look at those things.

Starting point is 00:28:11 Like what could we do to make them more wrinkled? I'm trying to figure out, perhaps we could run them over with vehicles or something like that. Before you enter into show business. You don't like the Obamati? That's the Obamati that I mean, I've never seen a Warsaw Bometee. Bro, what is he talking about right now, bro? You know what I'm saying? Obama tea that's the Obama tea that I mean I've never seen a worse Obama tea Bro, what is he talking about now, bro? You know what I said? Wait, don't you know what I don't he's on my side, bro Okay, all right cool if we were at a bump if we were all at Obama's house together we would let you drown Tony That's a topical reference for those of you that don't know the mainstream media is not really covering it

Starting point is 00:28:42 But someone got murdered at Obama's house last week. No big deal. No, it's pretty bad outfit, I agree. Yeah, it's a bad outfit. What else is going on in Life Tony? You've been on the show once before, we know you because you started with Cam in Orlando, Florida. You just moved to Austin, literally,

Starting point is 00:29:00 what, three or four weeks ago? Yeah, about most out, yeah, three or four weeks ago. Uh-huh, that's four weeks, yeah Yeah, about a month now. Yeah, three or four weeks. Uh-huh. That's four weeks. I know, right. Uh... Uh... You're talking like your clothes look right now.

Starting point is 00:29:12 Um... So, how's life been since you moved to Austin? It's been pretty good. Um, I'm in a hostel right now. She's got a new place. Uh... It's a new place on the 18th. So, new job.

Starting point is 00:29:23 I got a new job. What's the new job? Uh, I got a blind's job again. What's your blind on the 18th, so. New job, I got a new job. What's the new job? I got a blind's job again. What job? You hang blinds. Again, demand is be careful over here. I can't. It's just too good of a setup for me to not make that joke.

Starting point is 00:29:38 I mean, that is just a golden opportunity. Hang blinds, I've been hanging blinds. I got to do it every time he says a D. and opportunity, hang up blinds, I've been hanging blinds. I gotta do it every time he says a D, I'm gonna do that joke for the rest of our lives. Ha ha ha ha ha. So you've been hanging blinds. Yep. So what is that, how do you get into that business?

Starting point is 00:30:00 That seems like a very weird job to just keep moved from city to city and keep doing. Bro, it's just a niche in the car. The construction in the cock world. Whoa. Still got dick on that brain, dude. God damn it. I hate this fucking so much.

Starting point is 00:30:17 Um, you should, you should not sign up for things that you know. I know I really should. No, it's just I don't, I just got the job out of high school and it's just Not many people do it. So see we've just been hanging blinds your whole life. How are you 25 25? So just seven years of hanging blinds. I'm the blind hanging machine. Wow the hangman. I'm a fucking hangman holy shit I'm a fucking hangman. Holy shit. Oh, oh. Oh.

Starting point is 00:30:44 What? What's the deal with like the newer, more expensive blinds not having this string? That's just way more annoying to us. That was his question. Is the cordless blinds? Yeah, it's so annoying. I think they're pretty cool, you know?

Starting point is 00:30:57 Yeah, because you're going like this and you're trying to put them up when you used to just have a string. It was so much easier. Well, actually the best thing are roller shades. What's going on in your personal life, Tony? Any, let's get away from the, what's the deal with blinds? Red ban angle here. What a deal with a string on the blinds. Sometimes there is a string, sometimes there's not a string.

Starting point is 00:31:22 I don't know. What? Is anybody, is anybody even dealing with any of these blinds of it? Ha, anyone? The sun be coming through and sometimes you don't want it. Sometimes you do want it. What is the deal with the cord on the blinds? It's like you pull it down and it echoes up. And then when you want it to go down, you got to pull it down and then off.

Starting point is 00:31:59 That's so stupid. Any big breakthroughs in the blind industry? No, I'm kidding. What's your personal life? If you got any pussy, dress like that. A bad, meanest bad bitch I've been talking? Bad bitch? She's a big fan of Kiltoni.

Starting point is 00:32:17 I bet. Bro, I bet she's big. No, no, no, no. This bitch is bad, son. She's a very hot woman. And where'd you meet her? Instagram. No, no, no, it's bitches bad son. She's a, she's a, she's a very hot woman and where'd you meet her? Instagram, you just fucking, you just,

Starting point is 00:32:29 you just put all my show on it. You see that she's like, she's like, she's really bad. And then he just mitches the con. No, she's just a beautiful lady. She's a beautiful lady. Yeah. Tell us more, how did you meet her?

Starting point is 00:32:42 What's going on? No, I just, I just, in my, in my fancy, you know, suave moves. I just slid up in their DMs today. How did you... She's a big fan of Killtony. But how did you slide up and hurt DMs? So, this was my pick up, it's kind of corny, but I was, I said, you must not be from Texas.

Starting point is 00:32:59 All right, no, no, no, sorry, sorry. So, just, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, sorry, sorry. Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut the fuck up. Shut up, bitch, how many kids? Shut the fuck up, all right. I said, I said, hey, bitch. What? I said, you must not be from Texas, because I'm trying to mess with you, okay? It's my interview.

Starting point is 00:33:23 That's what you said? I will. Whatever. I hate this fucking interview so much. This is going so bad. I swear she's actually... You could have been like... What should I have said?

Starting point is 00:33:37 You could have been like, Hey girl, I want to get down like blinds with you. And... And... And... ...and... ...and... ...and... ...and... ...and...

Starting point is 00:33:49 It's fun when we work together like that. Okay. Uh... So, what did she say? Boy, you so stupid. I'm a Kyltoni fan, I know you. I don't know why I'm making a Puerto Rican. She said, she said, uh... She said, stop. You're making my pussy so wet. I'm a Kiltoni fan. I know you. I don't know why I'm making a border. She said, she said, uh, she said, stop.

Starting point is 00:34:07 You're making my pussy so wet. I'm in public right now. These are verbatim what she said. Wow, this fit is fucking. She's a bad bitch too. I didn't believe it. God, I'll just shoot my shot in the dark. This bitch is easier than your clothing selection tonight. Oh my god. Tyra Vera. That outfit is gonna drive that pussy right up. Oh, yeah, I don't fucking Good thing it's highly absorbent

Starting point is 00:34:30 It starts before it even touches anything. Did she have like 15 photos and they were all uploaded like the same day No, you're making my push up. I'm in public right now. What's your what's your pin number on your ATM card? You fucking door such a loser. Oh, I see that you were on Kiltoni. I'm a huge fan of Kiltoni What's your date of birth? No, I know a thought about what I see your mother's maiden name She she's not a thought but she's a she's a real woman. Yeah. What do you know about her? Prove that she's real. What does she do? What's her? Probably nowhere listen, I I'm a I'm a I know a thought about when I see him. She's a real woman, you know, you go on tagged shit

Starting point is 00:35:14 She's a real lady. Okay. I've been talking to another girl on Tinder too, you know I bet I bet you have but if you met with any of these people since you moved to Austin Texas if you physically You're just a walking catfish right now. I can't push it. I've been pushy-less, yes. You've been what? Pushy-less. Pushy-less.

Starting point is 00:35:30 Yes. OK. All right. Have you kissed a girl since you moved to Austin, Texas? You haven't physically kissed a girl since you moved to Austin? Is there a girl out there in the audience? No!

Starting point is 00:35:40 How about one of these cool girls? Come on. Come on. We've got a last time Tony. How old are you? I'm 25. When's the last time one of you made out, come on. Come on, wins the last time, Tony, how old are you? I'm 25. Wins the last time, one of you made out with a 25-year-old. Come on.

Starting point is 00:35:50 You right there with the, come on. Prove that you're not a Karen right now. Come on up here. I want to see, I want to see if the curtains match up. Come on. Oh my God. What the fuck? Keep going!

Starting point is 00:36:10 Say the fucking music! What the fuck? Put on! Wait for it, wait for it! Oh my god! Oh! BORK! BORK!

Starting point is 00:36:24 What the fuck? Oh my goodness, sweetheart, what is your name? I love your fucking energy. Get the real quick Yeah, give her a kiss. I give her a fucking kiss. Okay, Tony you better give her a fucking Come on give her a real kiss give her a real kiss This is Tony Tony I've been hanging out with these bad bitches y'all Oh. That's a good one. She's going home with a gel blaster. She's got a gel blaster. She got a fucking gel blaster. And we'll put you on the guest list next time you want to come to a show whoever the

Starting point is 00:37:40 fuck you are. Instant legend of the game. Hell yeah, dude. Your interview just got a lot better real quick, dude. Yeah. I was about to come out of the closet there, dude. I really was. We already know. Ty.

Starting point is 00:37:57 She looks like you get more pussy than you do. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, Tony Wellens, everybody. Thank you, Tony. Oh my God. And now we are cooking with fire. Ladies and gentlemen, it's going to be a hard act to follow, but but they're gonna try anyway. You guys haven't fun yet? Make some noise for your next comedian out of the bucket Cameron my or perhaps me Cameron may everybody My My mom got me this book from my birthday called She Comes First.

Starting point is 00:38:47 I guess it's the thought that counts. I guess she just didn't have any faith in me because for those of you that don't know, this book is all about how to make a woman orgasm. And I think women are more complicated than they'd like to admit, because this book has chapters. I'm pretty sure Dr. Seuss could write a book about making men come. Oh, the places you'll blow, you could jerk it in your room, you could stroke it on the moon. You know, it was interesting, man, because I'm reading this book, right? And I get to the technique part.

Starting point is 00:39:28 And all it says is turn to the next page. So I'm like, huh? And all that page says is turn to the last page. I'm like, huh? I think I'm getting the hang of this. There you go. Cameron, May or Mai? Mai, you got it right.

Starting point is 00:39:55 Mai, absolutely. Nice to meet you, Cameron. This is your first time on the show. No, I actually got on a year ago today. Wow, look at that. Amazing. How old are you? I'm 20 20 years old Just out of these guys is age range right here. Look at that

Starting point is 00:40:11 These guys are like, oh, those are that's our kind of cougar right there They're pedophiles. That's why that's fine. They do they do kind of look like they would write me three years ago They don't care if she comes first at all three years ago. They don't care if she comes first at all. Cameron, welcome to the show. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? Very funny. You stayed in the pocket there. You stayed on one subject, one joke. Two years. Okay, two years. All of it here in Austin, Texas. Yeah, I moved here from Castro Valley, California to do stand-up here. Okay, how long go Jemov? Two years ago. Two years and you started here. What made you decide to move to Austin two years ago instead of Los Angeles,

Starting point is 00:40:52 which is closer to where you're from? Because this place seemed like it had the cooler shit going on. That's exactly the answer I was looking for. And now you're doing a lot of spots. You're staying busy? Yeah, I'm trying to, you know. What do you do for work? I clean around like a maintenance guy around apartment buildings like I do a lot of power washing and like pool boys stuff. Oh, okay. So you're a white Mexican. Very good. Yeah, I am. I am the only white guy at my work. Absolutely. I worked all day today with a lady who didn't speak any English. Right. And we had to just take trash from floor to floor.

Starting point is 00:41:25 Holy shit, dude. Yeah. So you're just human muscle. Why do you think you're in that field? Do you say 20? Yeah. Okay. So you started at 18?

Starting point is 00:41:35 Yeah. Okay. Hold on, these guys are getting hard all of a sudden. Okay. So, are you going to school or anything like that? No, no, I do. What do you want to do for work. What kind of job do you want? That seems rough. Right, I know you want to do this, but Oh, oh in the meanwhile while you're getting good and taking time to

Starting point is 00:41:57 I mean, it really isn't that bad. I get paid like 17 an hour and I can it's pretty bad McDonald's pays 20 now just so you know. Yeah, he knows he talks to the people the orders from the red. I drive past fucking signs of say 13. What? I drive past McDonald's signs of say 13. Well, you're going to the wrong McDonald's.

Starting point is 00:42:17 Go up to flue. Yeah, go to red bands one makes a lot more money than you can become McDonald's. Oh, yeah, this unbelievable income between the hours of 3 and 5 a.m. and they just get blasted with fucking postmates orders. So you're 20 years old. What are 20 year olds doing for fun nowadays? Tell us about the life of a 20 year old in Austin, Texas, because I don't know, I mean,

Starting point is 00:42:41 this place is just filled with heavy drinkers and partyers and things like that. What's a 20 year old doing? You catch all the Pokemon already? What's going on out here? A lot of video games for sure, but I also like to do stuff like around town Like I have a bike spot ride that to like the free area Barton Creek to the ropes swinging stuff with my friends Oh, it's tough to do if it's like an active city. You can't be a fucking loser here Right. Yeah, you can't be a loser here. Yeah. What does that mean to you? Well, it just I mean because the last guy that was on a fucking loser here. Right, you can't be a loser here. What does that mean to you? Well, just, I mean. Because the last guy that was on the fucking loser here,

Starting point is 00:43:09 I don't know if you saw it. Yeah, but it showed, didn't it? You didn't want to kiss an old lady. If an old lady came up here right now, I'd make the fuck out of that old lady. There's all my fucking... Yeah! Yeah!

Starting point is 00:43:19 There's all my fucking friends! You understand that? There's all my fucking friends! Real ass. They don't know me so! Oh my god! Oh my god, he's fired at it! I identify as a woman. Oh shit.

Starting point is 00:43:41 Oh shit. Looks like you're just found another rope swing. Oh. Oh. Holy shit. Cameron, what is your love life like right now? Embarrassing. Ah, you're so sweet.

Starting point is 00:43:56 Tell us more about your embarrassing love life. I don't know. I just have like a bad habit of meeting a woman I want. Nothing to do with me. Why do you think that is? I don't know. But? I don't know. But I don't know. Like really, ah!

Starting point is 00:44:10 I don't know. I'm quite sure I'm not going to watch. That's fair, probably that. Yeah. Yeah. Hey, hi. Yeah. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:44:18 She comes first when he comes alone. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Ah! How Are you come alone? Frequently. So let's talk about it. Let's go through it. Let's pretend like I'm a hot chick and me and you just met and I just saw your set and

Starting point is 00:44:39 I'm like, hey, you're really, really funny. Oh, thanks. I appreciate that. So are you doing anything after this? Yeah, you want to go get voodoo donut? A what? A voodoo donut down the street? I'm a hot chick. We don't eat donuts.

Starting point is 00:45:01 Perhaps celery sticks or a salad or something like that? What about my cum? I think we found out what the problem is here. That tick-tock shit. Straight to the com with these kids nowadays. I mean unbelievable. It would work on these guys, but not fucking. Not a lovely lady.

Starting point is 00:45:24 It's getting rough over here, huh not fucking not a how to lovely like It's getting rough over here, huh? You guys just don't know There's no like fuck fuck every time God, you have no idea how I thought this would go It's fly out. Oh no, you're flies it, but it's out for sure his fly is stop looking at his dick dude It's just flapped open Cameron relax relax Okay, so Cameron what else what do you do like at night time for fun? Uh, I just smoke pop play video games in my house, or I'll work out.

Starting point is 00:45:55 Ooh, what kind of working? What kind of working out are you doing exactly? Mostly cardio? Uh, no. Wait, what kind of weights? The light ones. Are they like pink? No, no, no, little ones. Do you have the ribbons like jazz or Ah! Shake, wait. Ah! All for arm. Yeah. That's him. BEEP! Ah!

Starting point is 00:46:31 Fuck. Oh, Cameron, Cameron, Cameron. I love it. What's your living? You still living with your parents? No, I moved out about like six months ago, I think. Okay, so how are you surviving out there lugging around trash? People that don't even speak English? What's your what's your living how many roommates do you have? Uh-three. Okay. You have your own bedroom? Yeah, on bedroom on bathroom. Okay. And uh what's the craziest

Starting point is 00:46:56 porn that you've masturbated too recently? Uh, I just don't like shit with the guys facing it so you know that milking shit? Uh, I just don't like shit with the guy's face in it, so you know that milking shit? No. Alright. Well, you're gonna learn. What's milking? Tell us about it. So a guy will stick his dick through a hole in a massage table, and then a girl just, you know, goes to town on that shit.

Starting point is 00:47:18 See you. Hold on. Hold on. I could have chose better words. With her hand. Ty, you are our senior milking correspondent here. This is just in. And now we go to Tyra there.

Starting point is 00:47:34 It's weird that he doesn't want to see the guy's face but he's completely comfortable with nothing but dick. That's exactly what I was going to. It's just like, I'm not gay. Just show me that kick. Ah! Ah! Ah!

Starting point is 00:47:48 Ah! No. You know it's not the face that makes it gay. It's the penis, right? I disagree. I envision it as myself. That's what I'm... You put yourself on the massage table, you just picture like a...

Starting point is 00:48:04 Yeah. Wow, that's like a, yeah, yeah. Wow, that's fucking crazy, dude. Yeah. Milking porn, if you would have had me get 10 guesses on what milking porn was, I would have guessed 10 different things that weren't that. I wouldn't have pictured like milking a guy upside down. How do you even find something like that?

Starting point is 00:48:23 Your algorithm is fucked up, dude. No, no, no, no, no. How do you even find something like that? Your algorithm is fucked up, dude. How do you find that? It was on the main page of Pornhub. Main page. Yes, main page. Red man is this true. Red man decides what's on the page of Pornhub. It's all the Pornhub. It has like two million views, bro. I swear. All right, Cameron, you have a very, very good comedy style to you. It is incredible to see. Did you get a joke book good comedy style to you. It is

Starting point is 00:48:46 Incredible to see you get a joke book last time you were on I did a big one. Yeah, perfect Then everything is right on schedule. Yep, you're gonna go home with a gel blaster. Thank you so much Sign up again 20 years old people like this dude. This is how it all starts tie and I were once fucking 20 years old running around the streets of LA. Oh yeah. Altaya. Another young fucking. That's what it's about here. We find these people good and early and then years later they just keep growing.

Starting point is 00:49:18 It's a thing that happens. Your next comedian is a regular on this show ladies and gentlemen. And when I say he's taking this show over by fucking absolute storm I mean it he is a force to be reckoned with the newest regular on Killtony and absolute fucking machine the talk of the town this is a new 60 seconds from the great campatter so everybody If you can't tell by my sideways head and my slides, I'm a scientist. And I've been studying what's race to get the best head. White women.

Starting point is 00:50:04 You know how I know it's white women? Because two weeks ago a white girl changed my life, dog. She's something I did for the first time. And the white she's something I did so good. I watched the office now. That's how good it was though. I'd be at home and say, this nigga Michael is a hoot. I'd be saying shit like a hoot is insane though. This lady, can she suck a dick? Her father says, prove it. Right there. Go fuck. Oh, there. Fuckin' dude, nope.

Starting point is 00:50:47 You're black? Never mind. She said she's half black. He said never mind. Another amazing minute from the great ham-patterson. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's happening.

Starting point is 00:51:07 It's happening. Yeah, yeah. That's right. Do you have the pedophiles? Yep. It's spot on. I can see it. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:51:15 They touch kids, though. Yep. How do you see it? I love it. Touch kids. You said with the butt like, yeah, you. It's nigga, homophobic. It's a bad person. It's a bad guy. This yeah, you. It's nigga, homophobic, it's a bad person.

Starting point is 00:51:25 It's a bad guy. This place is wild, it's filled with chaos out here tonight. Cam, another amazing minute, unbelievable. What's been going on in life, how are ya? Oh, shit, man, good, I went back home yesterday. Yeah? Well, home I do is like this little benefit thing, like a little benefit show for all these people.

Starting point is 00:51:43 You went home to Orlando? Yeah. Oh, wow. Yeah, I got back like two hours ago. Damn, look at you. Yeah. OK. That was horrible.

Starting point is 00:51:51 It was horrible. Tell us about it. So we, so it's one of them places where it's like, they got the way this is shit, and they behold the shit like this. You understand? And they've just said, you know what I'm saying? Like, no way.

Starting point is 00:52:01 And they was bringing me food. I ain't asked for. And it was real fancy. They had mouthwash in the bathroom. You understand? You're not used to that? Like, no matter. And they was bringing me food, I ain't asked for. And it was real fancy. They had mouthwash in the bathroom. You know what I'm saying? You're not used to that. At all. Right.

Starting point is 00:52:10 And they were like, do what you want to do. And I was like, are you sure? And I'm like, no, you do what you want to do. You be you. Well, come and be me. And I did me. I did that joke I just told you all first. And they were like, get the fuck out of here.

Starting point is 00:52:23 No. They cut me at three minutes Really oh that's hilarious. What was the benefit for like oh retire NFL players retired NFL players. Yeah Yeah, they are they shouldn't even see to you a fucking mud. I would You know, it's you know the concussions are real when they're offended. Former football players that used to be in an NFL locker room. That's what's happening. It was amazing.

Starting point is 00:52:54 Did you get to use the mouthwash? I did. That's all that matters. Yes, screaming. And they paid you for the gig? Yeah. Good amount probably, right? Yeah, good amount to fly in New Orlando for one night just sending out.

Starting point is 00:53:06 Do you hang out with any of your old people there? It's my dog, my dog, Lilm. Is it an actual dog or is it your friend? My dog, Lilm, alright. My wrist, my dog, yeah, my dog. Your dog? Yeah, my other dog, uh, scrappy. That's a dog.

Starting point is 00:53:21 That's a real dog. That's a dog, that's a dog. Scrap your dog, Lilm, my nigga, you know what I'm saying? Yeah, baby, it's a scrappy dog, That's a real hot. That's a dog. That's a dog. Scrap your dog. Lil' my nigga, huh? Yeah, baby, it's a dog. Scrap your dog. Lil' my nigga. We got a clap for that. What's the dog's name?

Starting point is 00:53:32 Scrap it. But what's the dog? Lil' Liam. Lil' Liam. I'm L.E. I'm L.E.

Starting point is 00:53:39 L.E.M. Yeah, when he get off house arrest, he coming out here. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. We got it. We got it.

Starting point is 00:53:50 We got it. We got it. What's he on house arrest for? Some other shit. She ain't doing it. Some bullshit, he ain't doing it. He ain't doing it. Whatever it was, he ain't doing what he wasn't even up.

Starting point is 00:54:03 They ain't going to even be under it. And they can know math, it's he a good guy, man. You understand? He ain't doing that shit. he ain't doing what he wasn't even up. They ain't going to even be hunting. And they can no math, it's a good guy man, you know what I'm saying? And through that shit. And they can read real good, it's not even... She was my call for... Amazing. Cam out here changing the justice system completely. I love it.

Starting point is 00:54:21 What else has been going on? You did Houston, right? Sold out show. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Your first sold out headlining, Sheddy. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. Thanks to y'all, man. That's a pretty dope.

Starting point is 00:54:31 Thanks to you, man. That's a pretty like. It's absolutely insane that you're selling out shows just a month after your Killtony debut. I mean, June... Second or third was your first appearance on the show. So this is all moving very fast. I went home and I cried. June second or third was your first appearance on the show. So this is all moving very fast. I went home and I cried. Ah, that's amazing.

Starting point is 00:54:51 Oh, that's so cool, man. That's amazing. Hell yeah. I heard the greener who else cries a lot at home, LEM. Now he's a hard-skrieking and he won't cry at all. I know, I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I heard the greatest thing ever.

Starting point is 00:55:04 I heard that you went to Home Depot, you got a bag of rocks, and that was your merch. Yeah, first of all, that's kind of strange to say. So look, so my, oh, I got a Home Depot, right? A dude recognize him, he's like, hey, you got to know you, you're the rock nigga. And I was like, yes, he was black, so cool, right? I was like, yeah, he said, what you looking for?

Starting point is 00:55:23 I said, rocks, and he was like, I'm taking to him, right? And then like, yeah, he said, what you look for, I said rocks. And he was like, I'ma take a tomb, right? And then he took me to the rocks, we get to the rocks, and then he go, what, oh, he go, what's your need? Tony was with me. And Tony was like the one you got the best. The other time. Just molested, later. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:55:36 I saw that shit, you raped my friend. Back to the shit. That, that, I saw that shit too fucking freak. Uh. Got down, freak gold, right, ladded? You can suck a dick, though. I know you can. Listen. Tony. dick, though, I know you can. Listen, Tony, I know you can't.

Starting point is 00:55:48 Talk to me after the show. Oh, yeah. Oh, no, no, no. If it goes by the whiter they are, the better they suck the dick, that bitch can suck a dick, for sure. Yeah, that bitch, that bitch sucks. Skin off. Hell, yeah.

Starting point is 00:56:01 Listen, we're going to the rock sets, where he gets to the rock sets and right, and at Tony like, hey, if you fuck with a give him the rocks for free, right? He go fuck that. You got him. Now listen, I don't stole some shit in my life before. Yeah, we know. He just put the rocks in the bag and said, just leave y'all the nicks don't even feel right?

Starting point is 00:56:23 You know what I'm saying? Now we bottle. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa I would say like, whatever you want to give me, you can give me whatever. And I made like two 30. Two hundred and thirty bucks. Not bad for fucking, a fucking improvise merch store. Yeah. That's awesome. Selling rocks, I mean, it's incredible. Yeah, it's a white people.

Starting point is 00:56:56 If we would have told, yeah. Yeah. Nigger, we win it, don't it. I'm saying rock the white people, don't do it, Nigger. Rock, do it, listen. Oh, don't it! I'm saying rock the white people, don't do it! Nigger! Watch it, listen! Oh, do it!

Starting point is 00:57:08 Yeah, what are you talking about? What just happened? For those of you, oh God, I need a camera on my head so that people can see what I see. Oh my God, the excitement on this white guy's face when he thought the cam was about to high five him. Oh my god. How did you forget that there's a black guy right next to you? You've been sitting next to him here in the middle of Texas, the odds.

Starting point is 00:57:35 I'm sure when you first got here, you're like, oh, you got to be fucking kidding me. And then here you are, you forgot all about it. That was epic, dude. That was fucking, I am embarrassed for you right now. Not many people saw it. Come back over to my guys' room. Shake my hand. Yes sir. Wow. Damn.

Starting point is 00:57:54 I thought you were gonna pull away the last time. Amazing what? That's a doctor. That's a doctor. Are you a doctor? How did you know that? Wait, it's a doctor. Are you a doctor? How did you know that? Wait, it's a bass doctor? Oh, okay, you dorks.

Starting point is 00:58:11 He's fucking musicians. Oh, that's the surgeon. You have doctor, it's a bass player. Just one doctor. Okay, and that's like your thing, you play, but you have vision so should we be impressed? Mother bugger can see I don't you're not a bass player to me, dude. I don't fuck around with bass players with eyes I hang out with freaks Hang out with freaks. Cam, you are an absolute fucking monster.

Starting point is 00:58:47 I mean, you are exactly where you should fucking be in this world, and that is right here with us fucking showing off your skills and talents to the goddamn world. You know, stopable force. And the future of Killtony makes a noise for Cam Patterson, everybody. Oh, man. Hell yeah. My man. Hell yeah. My man. Fuck yeah. Absolutely. Joke the night away.

Starting point is 00:59:12 Pulled another name out of the bucket. You guys ready to meet someone new? Make some noise for Celia Contreras. Celia Contreras. Hey, mix one's fair, neither did they. I keep thinking what I named my last child and I was leaning towards Juan because he was the one who got away.

Starting point is 00:59:50 Like no, I'll name a maresis because he came out in pieces. Or maybe skeet because he was scattered all over that toilet bowl. You could say we had a falling out. What do I call it if it's a girl though? Do I call her Bridget because she fell into some troubled water? Or maybe Tracy?

Starting point is 01:00:15 Because it took several flushes to get rid of all traces of her. At the end of the day, I'm proud of my miscarriages. Daddy may not have been able to pull out in time, but they sure did. You can't beat a dead horse, you guys, but you can't stretch out a dead baby joke. That was incredible. Sixty seconds of straight up miscarriage jokes. That is very impressive. Many jokes in the time frame. Amazing tie. Would you think about this?

Starting point is 01:00:51 Didn't you kill Selena? No, I actually know Staley Lennon. I love her. She's from Phoenix and I'm from Phoenix and she's been killing it for a long time So I'm glad to see her up here. I do I remember you Celia you were on Killtoni in Phoenix, Arizona You did so good that I had you do a guest spot after the show the neck was at the next night or that night It was the next night. Yeah, and fun. I remember you specifically killed an entire bottle of crown royal, right? In front of a, in the green room,

Starting point is 01:01:27 you just kept straight up drinking crown. It was free. Yeah, no, it was free. Absolutely. Hell yeah, no, I agree. That's so bad. I do feel bad, because he told me I had to leave. And I thought I couldn't take it with me,

Starting point is 01:01:40 so I just downed over like a half bottle of crown royal. I literally remember that part. I remember thinking, wow, this is a troubled soul. And I remember thinking, I hope she's not pregnant right now because that could cause a miscarriage. Oh, fuck yeah. You are very funny. How long have you been doing stand-up?

Starting point is 01:02:00 It's seven years now. Seven years. It seems like it. Those were a lot of very, very quick miscarriage jokes. A dark subject material, but you were still able to summon laughter out of these people. How do you survive out there in Phoenix?

Starting point is 01:02:14 What do you do for work? Like, I had a lot of different jobs, mostly hotel, but to supplement, I do tarot card readings at bars. Oh, amazing. I was gonna guess a sex hotline. Now, I applied and I thought I had the job in the bag, but they never called me back and I'm upset about it. Right, it seems like you, you're the type of person.

Starting point is 01:02:38 So you're reading tarot cards at bars. Is that a good business to be in? Is that work? It's hit or miss. I've been tipped in some weird stuff. Like, one guy gave me an eight ball of cocaine. One guy gave me a bag of weed. Uh-huh. Another guy ate me out.

Starting point is 01:02:54 Whoa, look at that. Wow. What kind of tarot card do you have to pull for that to happen? That is incredible. He had a bad reading. He just felt bad. I don't know. Is there anything I could do? He's like, I want to eat your pussy. And I'm like, why? Damn, that must have been a bad reading. He just felt bad. I don't know. Is there anything I feel like I want to eat your pussy? And I'm like, why? Damn, that must have been a bad reading. Holy shit. It wasn't good. He got the tower, the death card, which isn't a bad card in itself.

Starting point is 01:03:14 But if you get the tower, you're fucked. Well, yeah, I mean, if he was eating your pussy afterwards, I guess it all played out exactly how it should. So too bad. Okay, so that's interesting. I mean, it's got to be weird eating a pussy and finding little baby parts like Adirmaa. Oh, that is not a little... A little baby hand, a little... What is that, a baby fingernail right there?

Starting point is 01:03:45 Baby backrip. Baby back, baby back, baby back, baby back. I want my baby back, baby back, baby back, baby back, baby back. Okay, save, don protein powder. Protein powder. Cilia, you are a dark force. I like your fucking style. What else?

Starting point is 01:04:03 Tell us more. What do you do for fun? I like to read a lot actually. Like I just got my library card here in Austin and I've like read three books so far and they've all been really good. I love it. Are they cookbooks? No. Okay. This is a door dash body. I love it. Hell yeah. Yeah. Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Um, so you moved here to Austin.

Starting point is 01:04:26 I did. I love it. How long ago? Um, month and a half ago. Okay. What's your living situation? I live in the apartment above the Tollou bar, the lodge. It's like pretty much across the street from here.

Starting point is 01:04:38 Amazing. Yeah. That's a great location to be a comedian in Austin Texas. I picked it. Like, I was going to pick my own one bedroom place because they're like, what's it called? Dorm style apartments, I have like five other roommates. But like I wanted to be in a walking distance

Starting point is 01:04:53 of all the mics in the club, so I'm like, fuck it, I can be trash for a while, I'm a little walker. No, absolutely, I mean, that's the fucking way to do it. I know Ty and I have been through some crazy situations back way back in the fucking day. Lots of bean bags and couches and air mattresses and hammock at one point. I am. Yeah, I don't actually imagine you walking a lot though.

Starting point is 01:05:15 I don't. I'm mad because I lost 20 pounds since I moved here just going up the fucking stairs. Damn, that's it. That's Austin for you. Every time I don't know there's stairs and I go in, it's like the Mike's upstairs and like son of a bitch. Yeah. Could've fucking warned me. Yeah. On my days just ruined.

Starting point is 01:05:34 Celia, what's your love life like since you moved to Austin, Texas? Like I got laid four times since I got here. Wow, look at you. That poor Tony Wellens is on suicide watch right now. He's like, you gotta be fucking. Here he is. He's just out there DMing fucking ghost catfishes. Yo dude, she's a fucking bird, bitch.

Starting point is 01:05:58 Yo. Yeah. Amazing. Where are you finding these guys? Everybody's interested. It's been all the bucket pools tonight of it. A lot of trouble hooking up with the opposite sex. Do you have any advice to them? Anya? How do you do it? I go to a bar that doesn't have any open micers and then I find the saddest guy there at last call. Fuck yeah, absolutely amazing. That's it. That's what it's about. Just play the long game. It's a numbers game.

Starting point is 01:06:31 Hell yeah. Celia, you are amazing. You are so much yourself. You own your style. I love people like you that are fucking different and I don't know, so much just you. You own it, you laugh at the jokes about you, you make fun of yourself, you're in it, and rock n roll, welcome to Austin, Texas. Thank you. You don't have one of these, do you? This is real Texas leather, handcrafted by the great

Starting point is 01:06:59 Bones Eye, only made here in Texas. You can get them on the new kill merch state of the art website I've been told that they can't find this comedian outside So perhaps they're inside, but we don't have an eye on it. So I'm gonna read it real quick is Brent Bradley here Is Brent Bradley here? No, right? Okay, perfect. We're moving on and What we do have on deck was found is our team. Yo Jacobs our team. Yo Jacobs everybody

Starting point is 01:07:39 Serious our team. Yo, Jake Areas, Artimeo, Jacob. Yeah. Yo, hey, my name is Arthemi O'Hackel, so, but it gets butchered everywhere I go and that's fine. A couple of things that I do want to talk about it. You know, artificial intelligence is strange, right? It's weird, it's taking over everything. And I overheard a conversation with some ladies that were like, artificial intelligence has taken our jobs.

Starting point is 01:08:17 And I was like, hmm, that sounds a little familiar. And I know I've heard that before growing up in the Mexicans. So with artificial intelligence, I was like, what are you actually going to do? Are you going to send it back to Metaverse? You can't fucking, I got a solution. I was like, we're going to build a wall. We're going to build a firewall.

Starting point is 01:08:37 We're going to build a cyber wall. We're going to make sure those web backs don't get through. So there was a whistleblower conference We're gonna make sure those web backs don't get through so There was a whistleblower conference at Capitol Hill and I'll end on that. I'm sorry. I'll end on that Say your first name again, Artemio Artemio Artemio, is that how you want me to say it? Yeah, instead of our team. You want me to go Artemio? Artemio would be perfect. Okay. Artemio your set sucked My favorite part was watching you make build a wall fire wall jokes and watching the tech nerds laugh at that and almost nobody

Starting point is 01:09:20 Well actually yeah Amazing so Artemio are you're Mexican? I am okay? Well, actually, amazing. So, Artemio, are you Mexican? I am. OK. How long have you been on stand up? This will be my second month. Second month.

Starting point is 01:09:33 Good. Good. You're right on pace. That's exactly where you should be two months in. You got a couple of chuckles. Wasn't bad. You have good stage presence. What made you want to do this?

Starting point is 01:09:43 How are you? I'm 34. OK. Why are you starting now at 34? So in 2020 my life turned into like a terrible country song. I love it. Tell us all about it. I went to Disney World with my now ex-wife and this was the first fucking trip I've ever been to. Oh fuck yeah, hold on, I'm hard as a rock. Hold on a second. I don't wanna come too fast. Hold on. So you're at Disney World with your now ex-wife. No kids.

Starting point is 01:10:10 She had a son. She had her own son. Yeah, I helped raise him, so. Okay, you helped raise the son. Oh, this is getting good. Fast. So you're at Disney World. Mickey's running around, you're out there.

Starting point is 01:10:25 And then what happens? My in-laws, they all started fighting and bickering with each other. Okay, so the in-laws were also a Disney World with you. Yeah. Make sure you talk right into the tip of that mic. Yeah, go ahead. So they were all a Disney World, we were all a Disney World together. It's a magical place, but it ended up... It ended up, it ended up, it ended up, they kept arguing on where to go and what to do and we already had an itinerary.

Starting point is 01:10:52 So I'm, I'm married into a white family and they have like a travel planner that had everything literally planned out. Yeah. And we're at Pandora and my ex-ister-in-law is like, I don't wanna be here. Wait, Pandora? It's a ride, it does need an avatar. It's like I'm like a motorcycle. Okay, so you're on the motorcycle ride. She doesn't like it or pussy sore.

Starting point is 01:11:14 Go ahead. No, yeah, and I remember halfway through that trip, texting my mom and being like, I have this money, going to my account, send me a plane ticket, I'm ready to come home. And... You just left the white family? No, I didn't. I stayed the trip. I stayed the whole trip because I knew it would have been way worse for me.

Starting point is 01:11:33 Give us an example of what type of real fighting, I mean, like, what was the line where you're like, I have to get the fuck out of this, I have to get away from these white people. It was more or less just They're added to towards each other because I come from a really big family. That's like oh I love you I fucking love you do We don't need this anywhere. Let's go to the public park

Starting point is 01:12:11 Yo, we'll make it our Disney World There's there's already mice It's my he's a mouth you want a mouth there's a mouth over there Hey Disney world don't have squirrels like that! The most fucked up thing is I realized at one point during that trip that I was like, okay, I have to get an individual picture with Mickey, like separate picture. Oh my god, I've seen this before it like meet and greets where the couple knows they're in the process of breaking up and there's always one

Starting point is 01:12:50 that goes, can I go on on my own? Like they kind of like say it like they do this. It's like a thing. I've seen that before. I was the Mickey Mouse in this thing. Okay, so tell us more. Give us more of like the real moments. Little things like that like that That's where the money is do you talk about this on stage? Because it is your best material. Oh, man Much better than rinky dinky. Hey, I like this is about you This is something that only you can talk about I would marry it into a white family I knew shit was bad when we were at Disney World. Buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh It's interesting. It's much more compelling than fuck and we're gonna build a fire wall.

Starting point is 01:13:26 But I'm about to burn our own. What is the deal with the blinds? They go up, they go down, I don't know. Real up and down. Like my ex-wife. Well, the craziest thing is, so... So... LAUGHTER

Starting point is 01:13:43 She had a son and I helped raise him, but kids don't lie. And so as soon as I was like, hey, where did you get that brand new transformer toy? Oh shit. It was like... Miss Sarah brought it to me? Miss Sarah? And I was like, who's Miss Sarah? And he was like, oh, that's mommy's special friend.

Starting point is 01:14:05 Whenever you go out of town, she comes and hangs out. She brings me. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Wait, does Miss Sarah look like this lady over here? Oh, wow. Sarah, what the fuck are you doing here? Hey.

Starting point is 01:14:24 So let me ask you this. So you find out about Miss Sarah from the kid. Sarah, what the fuck are you doing here? Hey! So let me ask you this. You find out about Ms. Sarah from the kid. You go straight to your future ex-wife, right then? Yeah, so I sat down with her one day and I was like, Hey, what the fuck is going on? Tell me the truth at this point. I feel like I deserve to know, oh nothing, you know,

Starting point is 01:14:46 we're just friends, we're just friends. Literally she kicked me out like a week and a half later. She kicked you out? Yeah. Okay. So did you ever confirm that Miss Sarah and her were sexually? Oh yeah, the next, his next birthday party, we all, like I was still involved,

Starting point is 01:15:03 and I still had an opportunity to be involved. Right. So my family, my half of the family went, her half of the family went, you're half a family, so 135 people. Pretty much. Yeah. There was at least like 63 of us. Wow, look at that. That's pretty good. I exaggerated for comedic effect, but I probably would have put it at about 63. Over under brought to you by prize picks, official sponsor of Killtony. Well, we showed up to the, like it was like a cookout party and we showed up and she's just sitting there with like a ton of different toys and Nike she used in shit and I was like I didn't bring anything extra. I just brought you my love. Like I'm here to support you.

Starting point is 01:15:45 Wait, the gay, the gift you brought was your love? Yeah. For the kid? Yeah. You brought the kid love in 63 people, eating the fucking burgers and hot dogs and shit. How broke of a beater are you? I'm pretty broke.

Starting point is 01:16:03 We haven't even gotten into what my actual job is. So I'm pretty broke. We haven't even gotten into what my actual job is. I'm pretty broke. How much did you and Miss Sarah look alike? Not at all, but her new wife looks just like me. So she has a white. Oh yeah, she's full lesbian now. No, yeah. Let me ask you this, which I wrote down about four and a half minutes ago to circle back to because when I found out about Miss Sarah I had immediately had a question. What's your pussy eating game like? Okay I'm probably... I'm gonna go seven six. A what? A seven six at a scale of one to ten. A seven six? You're going backwards already. I mean we there's no doubt you're at most a six if you're calling yourself a 7-6. Here's what we're going to do.

Starting point is 01:16:49 Put the mic in the mic stand and just put it in the mic stand. It's okay. Put the mic stand behind you. And then we're going to go to a single spotlight here, Kino. And you're going to pretend like there is a girl that you... Let's say she let's say her pussy is right in front of your mouth. It's straight there. It's right there right underneath your nose. Hold on a second. Her legs are already over your shoulders. So just pretend. Show us what you're pussy. Guys, can you give me a

Starting point is 01:17:21 little pussy? John Dees. Can you give me a little pussy eating keyboard here? And this is pussy eating by our Pemi OEA Cubs Well, hold on wait wait wait wait wait a second According to how I described everything, you just massaged her lower back for a second. Just like, the pussy's right here. It's right in front of you. Leg, leg, it's right there.

Starting point is 01:17:51 So now, it's right in front of you. So if you're going to do anything, it's right there. Don't confuse these people. There's no extra. This is why you're a six or below. This is your massaging shit. And here we go, pussy eating music, single spotlight, and action. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha This is bad. This is exactly what I thought, dude. Every woman would leave you for Miss Sarah.

Starting point is 01:18:25 Plus, I mean, she's given out transformer toys. You're given out, fucking. Love it. Tyra Vera, our senior pussy eating correspondent. We're going live on the scene to our senior pussy eating correspondent Tyra Vera. Yeah, if it hadn't been Miss Sarah would have been someone else, so... That was not good.

Starting point is 01:18:51 That was not good at all. That's one job that Mexican ain't taking. Oh my goodness gracious. So what's your love life like now Artemio? I'm dating. Okay. I'm actually dating. I met someone on a dating app. A dating app. We've been hitting it off and just kind of hanging out. What was the dating app? I noticed you said dating app instead of naming the dating app. It was hinge. Okay. So you're a little more serious on there I think. All right. And did you tell them that all you have to offer is love?

Starting point is 01:19:26 Yeah. Do you have a picture of you and Mickey as your profile picture? Yeah. The Mickey picture actually says, Disney Family Vacation 2019 and on the back it says Dad. So you should change to the D to an S. Okay. Artemio congratulations.

Starting point is 01:19:59 This is your first time on the show, right? Yes, sir. You know what? I'm going to show, right? Yes, sir. You know what? I'm gonna give you I'm gonna give you a big joke, Buck You could put this next to your picture and Mickey Mouse my friend here you go you got a gel blaster coming at you as well There you go, start to me. Oh everybody All right, we're having fun out here. Next bucket poll. You guys still having fun? How many of you like it when comedians do good with their 60 seconds?

Starting point is 01:20:32 How many of you like it when comedians do bad with their 60 seconds? You people are ruthless. Make some noise for your next comedian, Nick Lytle, everybody. Nick Lytle, here we go. 60 seconds uninterrupted of stand-up comedy, to Nick Lytle. Oh shit. Oh Jesus, are we doing what? We've got a couple of mics here. Oh, did someone warn you that it was a guitar comic? Is that high?

Starting point is 01:21:15 You knew? Okay, alright, you guys are all in communication and shit. Look at this. This is fucking wild. Alright. Okay. De-madness is back. So we're. Demand this is Bax. We're going to do a full reset here.

Starting point is 01:21:27 Ladies and gentlemen, 60 seconds uninterrupted right now going to Nick Lytle, everybody. Here we go. Alright. This is a song to my higher power. I started watching UFC. Signed up for Taekwondo, moved down to Austin, Texas, because Joe Rogan said so. Supplements and CBD, thanks to Joe right now I'm high on shrooms and DMT, whatever he says becomes my belief. I go to Carlos Mancilla shows and you'll thief.

Starting point is 01:22:09 Come, it's fake. There's no vaccine, because Joe Rogan said so. I hunt elk, I eat the meat, because Joe Rogan said so. Oh, yeah. For both five, six, I'll get a sleeve tattoo, and I'll pluck out all my hair to be bald like you. So if you're hearing this, leave your wife for me. Because I want the Joe Rogan experience.

Starting point is 01:22:45 Nick Lidle. All right. Normally, I hate musical comedy and jokes about Joe Rogan, but for some reason, you kind of pulled it together there. That's why you threw it in your shirt. I like it. Okay, Nick, welcome. How are you?

Starting point is 01:23:01 I'm up at this desiccone. Whatever you want, buddy. Hi. Whatever you want. How long you been doing comedy? I've been at this desert on, whatever you want, buddy. Whatever you want. How long you been doing comedy? I've been at it often on for probably about 10 years. 10 years, where at? I'm from New Jersey.

Starting point is 01:23:12 I actually just got here about four hours ago, so I'm a little bit tired. I appreciate the nice welcome from you guys. Absolutely. And welcome, welcome. So you're in New Jersey. You're performing a lot there. Yeah, I get up pretty regularly I work some weekends. What do you do for a living? I've been a DJ for most of my life

Starting point is 01:23:32 So I DJ weddings and parties and stuff like that. What's your DJ name? It's just DJ neck I've always needed a better one. You really do, right? You want to hear a funny story though? I was at one point I was gonna be DJ suburban funk and then I was like come on dude grow up and I didn't do it. You didn't want to go with DJ suburban funk. I mean I was a kid at the time but yeah. Okay so tell us about your life Nick Whitehall tell us some interesting stuff about you. Mary kids what you've been doing the whole time? Well I'm divorced actually but I can tell you this is kind of interesting I owned a strip club for 10 years you might find when you're home time. Well, I'm divorced actually, but... Divorced? I can tell you this is kind of interesting.

Starting point is 01:24:06 I owned a strip club for 10 years. You might find that interesting. Okay. Tell us more. Give us the dirty deeds. Well, I'm obsessed with the sopranos because I'm from New Jersey. I don't know if you guys like the sopranos.

Starting point is 01:24:17 I know everything about it. I'll beat your ass in trivia right now. You may, but I could hold. But so basically growing up in New Jersey and you know, being obsessed with Tony one night I was watching the sopranos and I was like, I want his life. So bad that I took out a home equity loan and bought the shittiest strip club you could ever see. I bought the only one I could afford. That was the only one I could afford. Amazing. What did you call it? I'd rather not say if it's okay.

Starting point is 01:24:46 Okay. So you don't own it anymore. You sold it. I sold it. You sold it a couple years ago. Okay. Did you make a profit? I did.

Starting point is 01:24:54 Yeah. And ever since then, I've been back full on in comedy and wish I never sold it, Tony. You know what I mean? But. Give us some of the highlights. What do you miss about owning a strip club? I mean, I can imagine but come on You know you really get it so awesome, but you'd be surprised I actually it's like it's kind of gross

Starting point is 01:25:11 Actually after you do it for a while, man It's like if I have to cut another tampon string is all I'm saying man. I don't ever want to do that thing Oh, yeah, that's a thing wow You know like them putting their foot up and be like do I smell all right tonight? I'm like oh Jesus shit. Why do you not you don't get that when you own a pizzeria? You know what I mean? Kind of kind of the cheese goes bad sometimes And let me tell you when you buy one that I could afford there was a lot of cheese. Yeah, we uh oh

Starting point is 01:25:42 You dirty bastard so There was a lot of cheese man. We uh, oh, you dirty bastard. So Tell us more. I mean what else keep going Nick. Just let it flow out of you What what's this type of thing that you thought to yourself? I'm not gonna say this during the interview because that would That would be a cancelable or something offense like give us some fucking edge You seem like such a good nice guy you come out with guitar comic Energy's hi everybody. I'm a little bit tired from my flight, you know what I mean like miss my brother's no flights. Oh, shit. That's right. 14 hours are sick. I don't even know man I fell asleep a few times but wow

Starting point is 01:26:17 Incredible driving on those little one lane roads where how can you go 75 on a one lane road in Texas? What is that man? That's crazy. I've never been here before you're saying that's slow I'm saying that's pretty fast 75 is fast on a one lane road and you know in like little small town Who's Gucci bag is this that's pretty far. Oh, those Gucci bag is this Who's Gucci bag is this? That's pretty far. Who's Gucci bag is this? All right. All the things I said, that was the week moment. It's ties. Ties Gucci bag. I like it. Ty, what do you think about this, Good Goots?

Starting point is 01:26:54 Well, between being afraid to go 75 miles per hour and asking about my bag, I'm wondering who the bag is in this situation. I'm not gay, man. Yeah. I mean, I'm not gay, man. Honestly, my life would be better if I was, but I'm not, man. That's the truth. It would not be better if you were.

Starting point is 01:27:15 It would be so much simpler, man. I've had every bad thing happen to me. Trust me. I kind of envy you at some point. Maybe not the face tattoos. Those look painful, but. Well, that's how comedians feel when we see a guitar comics. I understand. That looks painful to us.

Starting point is 01:27:35 So Nick, what the fuck else, how long have you been divorced for? I got divorced, oh you want to hear this, I got divorced and then listen to this. Yeah, I'm going to listen to it and I want to know I asked you. You did. You did. He's right, I can't argue that. Listen to this, you can say that before anything technically. Well, I mean here's what happened, my mom died of pancreatic cancer and then that day my wife came to me and said I'm leaving.

Starting point is 01:28:01 That's a lot. That's a lot, man. So how does that happen on the same day? I don't know. I don't know. I don't see why she watches this, but I mean, did your wife know that you just found out that your mom? Oh, yeah. I mean, she was in the hospital or she got pancreatic.

Starting point is 01:28:18 Oh, she, she died of pancreatic. She died of pancreatic cancer. Like one time of the day, do you find out your mom died? She died like in the middle of the night. But when did you find out? I was standing right over her. Oh, okie dokie. Alright, so you were standing over.

Starting point is 01:28:31 Did your wife, perhaps, think you were out all night doing something? Oh, did you still have the strip club at the time? No, I was done with that. You were done with the strip club. So your wife must have been thrilled when you got out of the strip club industry. Well, she didn't mind the money. Was she a stripper? No well she didn't mind the money was you a stripper now she wasn't

Starting point is 01:28:47 interesting okay so you find out in the middle of the night you tell your wife that your mom died yeah i you know i texted her she didn't want to go that night but she uh... i told her that she died and then she came to me and then i go that night but your mom did that's good that night but your mom did. Let's go. You know when you regret things that you brought up like I'm starting to realize your interview is like what am I doing I'm like sharing all my family secrets.

Starting point is 01:29:24 This is exactly what I do. I understand. I got it right into my trap. I thought you were just going to come up here and sing about Joe Rogan, and he was going to carry you off fucking piggyback style. Come on, we're going to go. You're coming to my castle.

Starting point is 01:29:37 I want to have you on the show tomorrow, dude. Yeah. You do realize that was the plan, right? That didn't happen, was it? No, there's only enough room for me on that piggyback ride You do get up in there man, I've noticed that but you do get up in there. Absolutely. It's good and glad I'm glad to have a best friend like that. I know man. No doubt about it Is it bad that I admire your ass kissing skills? I really do not ask kissing at all

Starting point is 01:30:04 He doesn't like people the kisses. That's actually challenge him Sometimes we're most people around him or just yes men. That's why he finds me in daring. That's good You fucking faggot But I was trying to come at trying to test the fucking waters. Hey, I made mayor your ass kissing But I wasn't trying to come at you. I actually think it's amazing what you've done, man. That's okay, it's okay, I know. I know, it's amazing. Yeah, absolutely amazing.

Starting point is 01:30:29 I know, I have a fully operated. I used to come by the store years ago when I first got into comedy and I watched your rise and I was really impressive, man. Absolutely, absolutely. I don't remember seeing you in the other years. Of course. Nick, fun times.

Starting point is 01:30:40 Thanks for your song. How long you in town for? I'll be here for probably a couple weeks. Okay, well welcome to Austin, Texas. Have fun. Good song. Thanks buddy. Good interview. Thanks for doing it. Come on Austin, make some noise for Nick. He just drove here. He got here four hours ago. It's fucking crazy.

Starting point is 01:30:58 Now we started on time and we could get out of here, but I pulled one last name out of the bucket. You guys want to do one more? Yeah! Makes a noise for your final bucket pull of the night. Dave Barowski, everybody. This looks like a new name. We're gonna meet them all together.

Starting point is 01:31:15 Dave Barowski. Yeah! One more time for your final bucket pull. These people wait all night for this. Make some noise for Dave, everybody. Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! your final bucket. These people wait all night for this. Make some noise for Dave, everybody. So I had to go home for a funeral recently,

Starting point is 01:31:50 and I was driving my mom to the funeral home and we got into a car accident. She flew right out of the hers. Tough week for mom, two car accidents one week. I cut myself shaving for the release. So my sister told me that I'm fat phobic, so I said, I'm not scared of you. I just don't find you attractive anymore. Yeah, guys, that's a joke where I used to fuck my sister, but I've done some growing, and certainly so is she. Dave Barowski, welcome to the show. I like your style. You're one of my favorite people with colored hair that I've ever had on the show. Thank you. Welcome, Dave.

Starting point is 01:32:46 How long you been doing stand up? Almost nine years. Nine years. Where at? Seattle or Portland? Uh, I started when I lived in Delaware, and there was like two mics in the whole state. Uh-huh.

Starting point is 01:33:01 And then I really got my teeth and filly. Filly? Oh, wow. OK. Damn, they shove you in my teeth and filly. Filly. Oh wow. Okay. Damn, they shove you in lockers and filly or anything like that? No. But you exist. I love it Dave.

Starting point is 01:33:14 Welcome. You live here in Austin or you're just visiting? No, I've been here since the last time I was on. But what is that? I don't remember. 550 with Rich Voss. Episode 550 were at 600 and something. Six years ago.

Starting point is 01:33:27 Two years ago. Year and a half roughly. Yeah. Okay. And how did that go? What? Pretty good. Yeah. You let me go past the cat and then laugh at my joke.

Starting point is 01:33:37 Oh, nice. Which is a rare thing. Right. Absolutely. No doubt about it. So how have you been enjoying Austin, Texas? Tell us about it. The weather sucks. I'm in North East. You don't like it. Seems like you don't like sunshine. No, not at all. Not at all. Public transportation sucks, but the comedy scene has

Starting point is 01:33:55 advertised and fucking been doing great. Business is a boom in. Yeah. What do you do for a living? I'm the bar manager at Roscoe's comedy club. Okay, awesome. Very fun. No need for all that. I'm not here to promote. So you're surrounded by comedy all the time. Try to, yeah.

Starting point is 01:34:12 What's your love life like? I have a girlfriend. She's pretty cool. She goth. I mean, she has purple hair that I dyed. So there's that, yeah. You dyed so did your mom. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha That was a yo mama dead joke Yeah, not not not so much grot goth is like we're both just like dirty cross punks So oh, okay, okay, we're not goth. We're just punk's dead fuck out

Starting point is 01:34:53 You guys have like a sex swing or anything like that you have in the punk sex out there not yet No, what's the what's the punkiest thing you guys are doing in the bedroom? Premature ejaculation? I was gonna say no Lou Bainel, but I already know something. Bainel? Oh shit! Does the carpet match the blinds? Hello!

Starting point is 01:35:15 No, I try to keep like a dolphin down there, you know? Okay. Do the blinds have a cord? Do sometimes. Fair enough. All right. Okay. Okay, do the blinds have a cord? Do sometimes. Fair enough. Alright. Okay.

Starting point is 01:35:29 Alright. Did you have green hair the last time you were on the show? Yeah, really? Yeah, yeah. Wow, I thought I would remember that. You said I was the most talented lesbian you ever had on stage. That happened until, until this sweet lady came up there.

Starting point is 01:35:47 Yeah. And, no! Most talented lesbian and Kiel Tony history! Fuck yeah. The unnamed Karen. What's that famous tennis player? That is that she does have tennis player energies. What are you into? What's your hobby? We got to know it because you look like a famous tennis player. That is that she does have tennis player energy. What are you into?

Starting point is 01:36:05 What's your hobby? We got to know it because you look like a bunch of things. What is it? What are you into? A question? Oh, you got this. Are you serious? Hello.

Starting point is 01:36:19 I'm a genius. I'm a genius. That's me. You can't make it up. Really? You guys are in the horse game? I'm an unstoppable force. All of you?

Starting point is 01:36:35 You guys all nodded at the same time. Really? What do you guys do? We're in a non-profit that helps kids with disabilities. You help kids with disabilities with horses? That's awesome. Wow, that's incredible. What's the name of it? Red arena, red arena Red arena. Can people donate to that? What's the website? Red arena dot org for those of you listening show Red arena dot org some work. They're helping disabled people with horses.

Starting point is 01:37:07 See that? That's a good deed. Now I'm going to make fun of your dead mom some more. Ha ha ha. Totally fictional. It's balanced to every soul. She's still alive in past her good church. Oh really? Yeah.

Starting point is 01:37:20 Well, I think it'll be surprised when you get back there and look at your phone. Yeah, get your phone out of the yard of it. That's it. Once you joke about a dead mom on the show, she dies. Well, it happened eventually. Wait, what was that noise, Deemer? I don't even know what it's like.

Starting point is 01:37:40 What was that supposed to be? A horse? No, what I doing it again. I want to hear your horn horses. Oh, I'm going to be a horse. I'm going to be a horse. I'm going to be a horse. No, I'm going to be a horse.

Starting point is 01:37:54 No, I'm going to be a horse. No, I'm going to be a horse. No, I'm going to be a horse. No, I'm going to be a horse. No, I'm going to be a horse. No, I'm going to be a horse. No, I'm going to be a horse. No, I'm going to be a horse.

Starting point is 01:38:02 No, I'm going to be a horse. No, I'm going to be a horse. No, I'm going to be a horse. No, I'm going to be a horse. No, I'm going to be a horse show, you've had a lot of time to think about it, you live life as a comedian, you've been on Kiltowni, you felt what it's like to be in front of the lights, the sold out wall, the wall show, give us one more thing that we would find interesting about you, about your entire life, anything that you think the internet would want to know about you. Well, so I was here for about five months. I started doing Santa M comedy instead of being in like punk and hardcore bands.

Starting point is 01:38:28 And you can only be in Austin for about five months before you join a hardcore band. You're in a hardcore band? Yeah, I'm for you. Yeah. You guys want to play some punk, fucking hardcore? Yeah. It's like a, let's hear it.

Starting point is 01:38:44 Here we go. One, two, one, two, three, four. I'm a black fight, black fight, black fight, black fight, black fight, oh! Dave, you're all skiing, everybody, you're a final bucket pool of the night. Dave, you're already up one of these? You're already up one? I got larger in the last time. You got a large one last time? I'd love to have you on the Secret Show Thursday. large one last time. I'd love to have you on the Secret Show Thursday.

Starting point is 01:39:33 The fuck is this lighter? Oh, that's yours? I thought it was more bone-sized stuff. Dave Barowski's on the Secret Show this Thursday. Well, well, well, well, well. After a show like this, ladies and two guys have fun tonight. There's only one way that we could possibly put a ribbon on an episode like this, magical, from beginning to end. I mean, who could forget Ponds Kim getting in trouble with this girlfriend tonight? He doesn't even know it yet. Tony Wellens. So much has happened.

Starting point is 01:40:13 And here we are. It's fine. Oh, I like this game show energy is happening right there. There's only one way to end an episode like that. This guy has the record for all time appearances on the show. The most interviews, the most minutes of force, like never created before in the show's history. I mean, he makes more money than he used to make

Starting point is 01:40:33 in a year, in a day, on a cameo. His cameos are available. He sits at home, just talking to his phone, making vast sums of money now. He is the Memphis Strangler, the vanilla gorilla, the big red machine. This is indeed the one and only William lights out Montgomery. That is Mitch McConnell ordering food at a McDonald's. What the fuck happened to that guy?

Starting point is 01:41:28 A homeless woman was just killed at the Gallo winery when a tractor mowing the grass ran over her sleeping body. The bad news is she will never see her family again. The good news is the winery will soon have an earthy, full-bodied vintage with subtle heads of brain and liver. Okay. Leaning Tower of Peace, you know somebody losing their job. Either that or Saudi Arabia invented a time machine and the plane barely clipped the

Starting point is 01:42:00 edge of the building. A warehouse in California has in a surprising twist, turned out to be in a legal Chinese run virus laboratory, but in a more surprising twist, Apex new EP only has four songs. I fucked up the Apex twinship! Here, let me read that one more time. I feel like it was better. A warehouse in California has in a surprising twist, turned out to be an illegal Chinese-run virus laboratory, but in an even more surprising twist, Apex, twins, new EP, only has four

Starting point is 01:42:37 sores. Okay, that's it. Fuck yeah, one minute thirty- 35 seconds from the great William Montgomery. How about another hand for William, everybody? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Coming out guns ablaze.

Starting point is 01:42:54 And how do you feel, William? I got a shit so bad right now, Tony. Oh my goodness. I have a horrible doo doo problem. As you know, I have trouble do-doing in public restrooms because I I jump in the shower after I do-do I don't wash my butt. It really does one of the most unbelievable things that I truly and I I mean it's kind of it's kind of become an issue with us it has turned into a point of

Starting point is 01:43:22 existence. I literally sometimes I'll tell him, like we were just in Hawaii, for example. Like we do it all over the road, like everywhere, everywhere we go, I'll be like, you know, all the people on this airplane right now, wipe their butt after they go poop. I don't think you people understand. When William says that he gets in the shower after taking a number two, it's because he doesn't wipe his butt,

Starting point is 01:43:44 he gets off the toilet and straight into the shower and then wipes it with his finger. Can you describe with my fingers? Yeah, I lather him up with soap. In my defense, it used to take me in 20 minutes to wipe my asshole and I was just like, I'm sick of this shit. Let me just jump in the shower and get some dials so open my hands.

Starting point is 01:44:02 And then that's how I discovered my fucking hemorrhoid, Tony. I had my hands up in my butt hole. And by I discovered my fucking hemorrhoid, Tony. I had my hands up in my butthole, and by the way the hemorrhoid is still fucking there. I felt it earlier tonight. I'm not even getting it. Did you ever think that perhaps you wouldn't have hemorrhoids or do-do problems if you weren't fingering your ass every time you had to take a shit? Tony, I don't give a fuck dude! I love! Jumping in the fucking shower after I take a shit. It's a way I decompress at the fucking end or beginning or the middle of a long day,

Starting point is 01:44:33 just getting in the shower, putting the hands in my butt. Oh, have you ever done that tie? I definitely have. Ha, ha, ha. Got your back on his one. Sometimes he does it when he's not in the shower. Ooh. Shit. He wasn't that funny, Thomas!

Starting point is 01:44:57 I mean, it does boggle my mind because I don't think you understand. There's a lot of jokes that happen here especially with william it's very very he's very very diabolically outside of the box but i want you to know that this is literally not a joke he doesn't shit in public because to him he finds it to be which is impossible by the way this is totally a mental thing in your head that it takes you longer to wipe than

Starting point is 01:45:26 Everybody else in the world. I wipe until there is the shit is off of the toilet paper But it turned into there would be blood on the toilet paper because I was having a wife so much Don't people wipe till the shit's off their buttle. I mean what am I missing here? But here's the thing here's a fun seriously what am I missing here? But here's the thing. Here's a fun- Seriously, what am I missing here? Yes, everybody wipes until the shit is off of their asshole. You are correct, William. You're halfway to the finishing point of what, but many people learn, I believe, at the age of perhaps less than one.

Starting point is 01:45:59 Four, three. When do people get potty trained? Three? Yeah. Okay, you guys got some slow kids out there All right, yeah, what did you just fucking say right? So about three years old by the way, this is another one of those instances make some noise if you guys wipe your ass All right now watch this watch this make some noise if you don't wipe your ass. Okay, man, we got a couple of things though.

Starting point is 01:46:29 Are you just making that noise to be funny? Yes, yeah. Okay. William, kick him out of here. Yeah, I mean, who is that? Is that my fucking drunk ass father out there? Who is that? You know, I've talked to his girlfriend about this before, and the worst who is that? You know I've talked to his girlfriend about this before and the worst part is that he

Starting point is 01:46:47 keeps pooping the drain. Like shit will fall off his ass and go into the drain and he has like, so there's little clumps of poop that he doesn't clean it. I mean it is as disgusting as you think it is. Do you all believe that? Do you all really think I leave shit in the fucking drain after every time I do this method I clean it out. I swear to God my drain is clean.

Starting point is 01:47:07 Well, now it is because your girlfriend literally yelled at you until you could no longer take it. And by the way, instead of yelling at you, this is how wild this relationship is, by the way. She taught you how to, she trained you. She yelled at you to the point where you cleaned the shit down the drain, but she didn't yell at you for not wiping your ass. It's steps it's called baby steps Tony we're taking baby steps. No no no no okay well I promise I'm gonna think about starting to wipe my butt hole. You're going to think about starting to wipe

Starting point is 01:47:41 your ass. I'm gonna think about it maybe I will will tonight. Maybe after the show, I'll go shit upstairs because I swear to God, I eat something. How much for a cameo of you wiping your ass until the shit is gone? It's weird you say that. These people have been getting, I've been getting these such weird requests like to show literally to show my hemorrhoid,

Starting point is 01:47:58 to show my nipples, to see. Well, here's a fun fact. Here's a fun fact, is that he doesn't always get all the poop off his butt in the shower because he had his girlfriend take a picture of the hemorrhoid and she took the picture and tell the people what happened. Yeah, there was shit on my asshole. Okay, I was horribly embarrassed.

Starting point is 01:48:16 I got my girlfriend, I was like, I want to see this fucking hemorrhoid. And before I could even see the hemorrhoid, there was the shit ring around my butt all, and it kills me. He showed me the picture. This is what I get for taking him on the road with me. He's like, dude, check this out. Because I take pride. Maybe you're kind of right, Tony. Because I take very great pride in the fact that my butt all has to be so clean. But yeah, dirty is butthole out of everybody in the world.

Starting point is 01:48:39 It's itching right now. I swear to God, it's itching down there. I think the horse women can feel me on that. You know they got itchy buttholes. They do not. They're all shaking their head. Laying their head. All four of them at once. Okay.

Starting point is 01:48:56 You do not tell a woman she has an itchy butthole will you? Those are grown-ass women over there. They find it unacceptable. Okay, I'm sorry, bitches. You do not tell a woman she has an itchy butthole will you? Those are grown-ass women over there. They find it unacceptable. Okay, I'm sorry, bitch. Oh, I'm getting those phrases. That is wild. I mean, I'm embarrassed about this butthole thing. I mean, people are gonna think differently about me, but I swear to any. I have to shit so bad. I might have to do it, I might have to do it tonight.

Starting point is 01:49:21 So bad. I might have to do it tonight. Honestly, I would recommend like butt wipes, like dude wipes. The mint dude wipes is one of my favorites. Rebian, can you slow down a little bit? I know you're slow because you don't even know how to wipe your ass, but you should use dude wipes. Are we really going to fucking do this tonight, you dumbass? What the fuck did you just say? I don't wanna be gay anymore.

Starting point is 01:49:48 Yeah, it is incredible. I mean, isn't that a gay man's nightmare is just going down there and it's a fucking chocolate factory? We know you like the Charlie's, but no chocolate factory, right? I stopped at the hemorrhoid, it's, so you wouldn't kiss my bottle So you wouldn't kiss my bottom? You wouldn't kiss down there? Definitely not, Willie.

Starting point is 01:50:08 You might love you, but no. Do it, do it, do it. Wow. Do it, do it, do it. Do it, do it. Known homophobe, John D's starts to do it chant on the... Just think of the as-as-haw. Oh, wow.

Starting point is 01:50:26 Very interesting, John. You just got off the airplane. Just got off the airplane. You can be gay if you just got off the airplane. Everyone knows that. Yeah, it's called JetFag. Hey! Boom! William, we love you. Yeah, it's called jetfag. Hey! Oh!

Starting point is 01:50:47 William, we love you. Anything else you want to say to these people? I just want y'all to know that there might be shit on my butthole. I don't know, 60% of the time. But it doesn't change the fact that Apex Twin literally only had four fucking songs on that. It's like, why do you fucking teach me like that bitch? Why do you teach me like that bitch? Why you always teach my ass like that bitch? You always tease the great Tyra there. I mean, that's a fucking work of art. Speaking of art, how about a hand for the local artist Chris Rogers who... Alright, me, the late great, as of today, Pee Wee Herman, Rest in Peace. Chris Rogers

Starting point is 01:51:57 art on social media. I'll have one more time for the band, that's Michael Gonzalez on the drums. Paul Deamer on the horns, Matt Mewling on the electric. John D's fresh off a jet. And the great dematiness on the bass guitar, everybody. Thank you to Joe Blaster, Red Rose, Yellow Rose Austin Security Guard Service, Connect Mobile Health, the whole firm, the best for you I lawyer in the city,

Starting point is 01:52:21 prize picks and screw ball peanut butter whiskey, TonyHingeClip.com for tour tickets, and ticketmaster.com for the last the best for you. I lawyer in the city prize picks and screw ball peanut butter whiskey Tony hinge clip dot com for tour tickets and ticket master dot com for the last very last remaining tickets for New Year's Eve at the H.E.B. Center exclusive kill Tony merch available in the lobby on your way out that you can only get here Red Band check out the secret show every Thursday next door here at the sunset strip sunset strip at x.com We love you. Thank you so much. Good night everybody I'm not going to be a good guy. I'm not going to be a good guy. I'm not going to be a good guy.

Starting point is 01:53:17 I'm not going to be a good guy. I'm not going to be a good guy. ‎‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍ 1 tbc 1 tbc 1 tbc 1 tbc 1 tbc 1 tbc 1 tbc 1 tbc 1 tbc

Starting point is 01:53:58 1 tbc 1 tbc 1 tbc 1 tbc 1 tbc 1 tbc 1 tbc 1 tbc 1 tbc 1 tbc

Starting point is 01:54:14 1 tbc 1 tbc 1 tbc 1 tbc 1 tbc 1 tbc 1 tbc 1 tbc ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ 1.0% 2.0% 2.0% 2.0% 2.0%

Starting point is 01:54:50 2.0% 2.0% 2.0% 2.0% 2.0% 2.0% 2.0% 2.0% 2.0% you you you

KILL TONY - #624 - THAI RIVERA

There aren't comments yet for this episode. Click on any sentence in the transcript to leave a comment.