KILL TONY - #625 - POST MALONE + JOE ROGAN + KURT METZGER

Episode Date: August 29, 2023

Post Malone, Joe Rogan, Kurt Metzger, Kam Patterson, Paul Deemer, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, Hans Kim, William Montgomery, Jon Deas, Matthew Muehling, Jules Durel, Joe White, Kristie Nova, Yoni, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – 08/07/2023THIS EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY:GAMETIME! – Download the Gametime app, create an account, and use code KILLTONY for $20 off your first purchase. Terms apply. Again, create an account and redeem code KILLTONY for $20 off.—HELLOFRESH.COM – Go to HELLOFRESH.COM/50KTSHOW and GET 50% off, plus free shipping!—ZIPPIXTOOTHPICKS.COM – CODE: “KILLTONY10” FOR 10% OFF ORDER!—TALKSPACE! – As a listener of this podcast, you’ll get $100 off of your first month with Talkspace. To match with a licensed therapist today, go to Talkspace.com. Make sure to use the code “TONY” to get $100 off of your first month and show your support for the show.—KACHAVA – Nutrient-Rich Superfoods – 10% OFF FIRST ORDER – https://www.kachava.com/collections/kill-tony-podcast—SPONSORED BY – PRIZEPICKS – USE PROMO CODE “TONY” (all new users a deposit match up to $100) – https://bit.ly/PrizePicksTony

Hey, this is RedBan and you're listening to the Desquad Podcast Network. This episode in every episode of Killtony can be found at Desquad.tv. All our merch can be found for Killtony at Killmerch.com. Tony's on a brand new Tories going all over the place. So check out TonyHingeCliff.com for everything golden pony. And last but not least, don't forget I have a new comedy club called the Sunset Strip. We have a bi-weekly show with the Killtony band and the secret show is every single Thursday. Get tickets at SunsetStripATX.com. And now a brand new episode of Killtony.

Oh, H. Hello, Columbus, Ohio. September 8th, I'm at the Speaker Joanne Davidson Theater. Tickets available now at TonyHingeClef.com. I'm gonna be live on America's Got Talent on August 29th. Please come vote. I'm going against literal rock stars with nothing but a phone and thumb. Also I found a lawyer who isn't a Harvard cook, and I am officially announcing the first show of my US tour at Off the Hook comedy club in Naples. More information will be on mucomedian.com. I'm not a bad guy. I'm not a bad guy. I'm not a bad guy. I'm not a bad guy.

I'm not a bad guy. I'm not a bad guy. I'm not a bad guy. I'm not a bad guy. I'm not a bad guy. I'm not a bad guy. I'm not a bad guy. I'm not a bad guy.

I'm not a bad guy. I'm not a bad guy. Hey, this is Fred May come to you live from the beautiful comedy mothership here in Austin, Texas. For a brand new episode of Kill Tony, get out for Tony Hitchclair! Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Mixed noise if you're ready for the best fucking Monday night of your life. Yeah. EAB. Mixed noise for Red Band, everybody. Hi. We've been doing this for a long time.

It's the number one live podcast in the world brought to you by Gel Blaster, Red Rose. Yellow Rose, the Hall Law firm, get you out of a DUI here in Austin, Texas. I V-Drip to get you fully recovered. Connect mobile health, CMHUS.com, prize picks, screw ball peanut butter whiskey, which presents the Killtony Band, everybody, come on.

The spoiled fucks have been listening to them. That's the great Michael Gonzalez on the drums. Paul Deemer on the horns, Matt Muleing on the drums. Paul Deemer on the horns. Matt Muleing on the electric guitar. John Deez on the keys. And that is D Madness, everybody on the bass guitar. Fun show, plan for you. You will not believe it, but before we do,

here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made tonight's episode available for you here right now. Kill merch is absolutely killing it. We have new drops coming and everything else is absolutely thriving there. I mean, it's just unbelievable. We've sold out and we are refreshing on everything. The store is an absolute wild success from stickers to tickers to old American pickers. On the Lord only knows what you will find at Killmerch.com. All right now. Hey, this is Red Band and my comedy club, the Sunset Strip in Austin, Texas is now open.

The Killtony Band has two shows a month now. So come check out their music and every Thursday we have the secret show. Go to SunsetStripATX.com for tickets. Shows every night. Hey y'all, with HelloFresh, you get farm fresh, pre-portioned ingredients and seasonal recipes delivered right to your doorstep. Skip trips to the grocery store and count on HelloFresh to make home cooking, easy, fun,

and affordable. That's why it's America's number one meal kit. That's right, fall is right around the corner and Hello Fresh is here to help you plan for the busy season ahead with tasty dishes delivered to your door. Simply choose your recipes and pick your delivery date, then lay back and enjoy the last days of summer

knowing dinner is covered, right, Ben? Oh, I love Hello Fresh. I love the beef quesadillas. Mmm, that's so good. And it's great because they give you the right amount of ingredients to make a dish. Nothing more, nothing less. So you don't have all that extra waste. When you go to the grocery store, you're spending all those extra money and then you throw

it all away. Not with Hello Fresh. That's right. And it's 25% cheaper than takeout and less expensive than grocery shopping. So go to hellofresh.com slash 5.0 KT show and use code 5.0 KT show for 50% off plus free shipping. That's right. Hellofresh.com slash 5.0 KT show and use code 5.0 KT show for 50% off plus free shipping. Hello fresh. America's number one meal kit.

Hey y'all, we all know that sometimes trying to get tickets last minute, finding the best price, all the different buyers for a popular event. It's hard, but buying tickets to your favorite events should not be stressful. Game time is the fast and easy way to buy tickets for all the sports, music, comedy, and theater near you. With killer deals on last minute tickets and their best price guarantee. You can stop stressing over the tickets and start getting hyped for the fun you'll have. Red ban. It's amazing. There's a lot of great events coming near us like Aero Smith and God smack and ghost. So many things. They have flash deals last minute tickets and easy

to find and buy tickets for every kind of event in your area You get images of your seat so you know exactly what to expect before you get there The game time guarantee means you will always get the best price if you find tickets in the same section and row for less Game time will credit you 110% of the difference. That's right So snag the tickets without the stress with game time. Download the game time app, create an account and use Code Kiltzone for $20 off your first purchase. Terms apply. Again, create an account, redeem Code Kiltzone for $20 off.

Download game time today. Last minute tickets. Lowest price. Guaranteed. Hey y'all, price fixes the largest independently owned daily fantasy sports platform in North America. They are the easiest and most exciting way to play DFS. While prize picks is the largest independent-leon daily fantasy sports platform in North America, they are the easiest and most exciting way to play DFS. It's just you against the numbers.

Instead of battling thousands of other players, including pros and sharks, you pick more than or less than on 2-6 player staff projections and watch the winnings roll in. It's the most fun I've had, winning up to 25 times my money this football season. You just select two or more players, pick more or less on their projected stats and place your entry. It's really, really fun. I've made a lot of money on it. It's actually quite crazy. I have really, really enjoyed it. I've done some football. I've done some UFC. I've even won a little baseball just using my gut instinct. Redban, you know about prize picks.

Yeah, price picks offers weekly promotions that can lead to big payouts like Taco Tuesday. Every Tuesday, price picks, discounts, select player projections, up to 25% to provide even more value. And price picks now offers Apple Pay for quick and easy deposits into your account this flip all season. That's right. Go to prizepix.com slash kill and use code kill for a first deposit match up to $100. That's prizepix.com slash kill and use code kill for a first deposit match up to $100. Prize picks daily fantasy sports made easy. Hey, y'all, I have to tell you about the super blend I'm loving called Kachava. It's hands down the best thing I've found to feed my body, the nutrients it craves.

Kachava is an all-in-one plant-based super blend made up of super foods, greens, plant proteins, antioxidants, adaptogens, probiotic. In other words, everything your body craves to feel your best. And I know what you're thinking. Something this good for me can't possibly taste delicious. That's where Kachava really earns the thousands of five star reviews. It tastes amazing. It's creamy, smooth, and comes in five delicious flavors.

I'll tell you right now, the vanilla and the coconut assi-i are my favorite. But it also comes in chocolate, chai, and matcha. Red ban. Some folks like to drink it as part of their healthy breakfast or lunch and others love it as a protein packed snack before or after a workout. It's perfect for this because it has 25 grams of plant protein per serving. Personally, I like to drink cutchiva, slaying around on the couch It actually it feels great because I I don't like eating too much So it's great to just have a nice meal real quick. That's delicious and gives me all the protein and nutrients I need No doubt about it and Kachava is offering our listeners 10% off for a limited time Just go to Kachava dot com slash Tony spelled KA-V-A and get 10% off your first order

That's K-A-C-H-A-V-A.com slash Tony You guys ready to get tonight's episode fucking going or what? How many of you have been fans of this show for a long time, huh? Well then you know that is one of the best book shows in all of stand-up comedy. This one, pretty fucking good. Mixing noise for tonight's guests, Kurt Metzger, Post Malone and SoRogan! It's a right there. Kurt Metzger! SoRogan! This is Kill Tony. We just dragged Post Malone here.

He had no idea he was coming up. Hello. We are gonna fucking fun here tonight. Joe Rogan's done it many times, Kurt's done it many times, post Malone, welcome to the realm of Kiltoni. Thank you for having me. Absolutely.

We're gonna fucking fun tonight. A bunch of comedians post Malone signed up for the chance to do 60 seconds. We get through as many as we can. There's also a few regulars that do a new minute every week. They do a minute of stand-up comedy. We talk to them afterwards. I interview them.

We find out more about them. You know the 60 seconds is up in here. The sound of a kitty. That means they have to wrap it up then. Or else they bring out the angry bus. Tully would bear. And that's it. You guys ready to get into this fucking thing or what?

What? What? What? What are some drinks? Yeah, what do we want? Tequila? No, can I have a John Daly, please, on stage, please? John Daly.

It's that Vaca Arnold Palmer. Okay, yeah, you got it. I have to fucking loot it. Every single week, we have one guy that does a brand new minute to get the show started when we found him He was living in his van a king of the open mic scene now. He's a bang and hot. He's wearing Rolexes And I might have a slight cocaine addiction a lot of ups and downs when he has the rough set He gets challenged by a competitor who tries to beat him

He is undefeated all time while being challenged. This is a week off for him after a few solid appearances You guys know the words to the song? Thank you. It's good to be here at the start of the race wars. There was a horrible incident in Montgomery, Alabama where a black man was arrested for hitting white people with chairs, which I think is unfair, because I've been watching white people hit each other with chairs on TV this whole time.

I thought that's just how they said hello, you know, pro wrestling. I love the whites. I think it's great that Republicans are out here fighting for their rights. I think Republicans have a great chance because Republicans aren't afraid of anything except for communism and terrorism and abortion, gay marriage, trans people. I'm a huge humanitarian. I like to do a lot of community service every weekend. I go to my local Lulu lemon and I buy out all the extra large yoga pants. Because no one wants to see that shit. All right, thank you.

Alright, Hanz Kim, with a new minute, got better as it went along, started off with a very crusty joke about white people hitting each other with chairs, and literally explain it afterwards by saying the words professional wrestling. Yeah, I thought a lot of people would know about pro wrestling, but I guess it wasn't clear that it was about pro wrestling. That's not the problem. It is true. I did not know what you were talking about, and I know jokes and pro wrestling, and even I could not figure out exactly what you meant.

How do you feel, Hans? How did that feel for you? I feel like that was kind of rough and fun at the same time. Who do you think you should be challenged by next week after a performance like that? Who do you think your opponent should be? I've always chose your opponent. Who would you like to go against? Maybe another retard probably. Oh, excuse me, surprise. I don't know. I think...

Is somebody Phil Pulse Malone in? Uh, so he has beaten people that are mentally challenged before, that are very, very funny. Physically? So you've been on before? Yes. He doesn't look strong enough to take him as a champion. You said it first time. He does a new minute every week.

Everybody else in the bucket. They could have gotten on again. Well, I wasn't paid to be here. I don't know how I got here, but I've had a great time so far. I'm a huge fan of you. Thank you very much. I'm here.

Oh. Oh. Thank you very much. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. I don't know. I feel like you should have a hard challenge. I think we should scare some life in you. I think next week you should battle Casey Rocket for regular chef. I think we gotta do it. I think we're, Joe just said that might be it. Ha ha ha ha ha. Oh yeah, just you want to do it? I mean, oh look out.

Does he want to do it. I mean, oh look how he wanted to Fame money. Why would anyone want to take pot in such a thing? Seems like a lone wolf Like I but no, I would love to challenge Casey rocket. I think that'd be a great challenge. Thanks for the suggestion Here you go. It's happening. Next week, Hans Kim versus Casey Rock at a battle of life and death. Could be the bucket one. Hans, thank you so much.

Way to get the show started. Oh, good. You're out of here. Thanks, Tim. We're going to the bucket now. Wait, did we get the thing back? Where'd it go? Oh, there we go.

That was Hans Kim. That was Hans Kim. That was Hans Kim. Where's the fucking bucket at? Okay. It's a massive. Can we get two more John Daly's to the stage, please? Thank you. Okay, your first comedian out of the bucket doing a new 60 seconds. This looks like a new name.

Make some noise from Mike Fielacher, everybody. It's first time on Killtony. Mike Falacher. Get in there. I should have worn a fucking hat. So, I've been trusting Farts lately. It's a dangerous game. You ever trusted a fart? I trusted a fart one time when I was in the army.

I didn't have any underwear on. I learned some valuable lessons that day. Lesson number one. Don't trust a fart without underwear on. Lesson number two. Extra duty can mean more than one thing. I did get away with it. Rinseed off. I convinced my sergeant that I sprayed myself in the dick with the water hose.

He laughed at me, called me and he did it. Told me to go change in the barracks, gave me the keys to his truck. Well, jokes on you, Sergeant Miller. I drove your truck in my dookie bridges. Thank you, I'm Mike Holy shit. I don't know what you could have done to get more silence in this room. Mike that was fucking incredible. Like you almost could have done anything else than it would have gone better. I was really pulling for number two. I have to never want to say maybe rule number two is good.

Yeah. Thank you very service, sir. I don't know what you did in your pants, but you just shit the stage here tonight. That's for sure. Holy shit. Guys, I tell you something, honestly, with the problem was, I felt triggered. You know, it gave me PTSD from a time I trusted a fart. You talking about it like that.

You got shit in your pants right now. Yeah, it's a true story. It's more molder now, it's what it is. But, you know, I don't do a lot of people. I know where the camera is, but sorry, Sergeant Miller. Oki-doki, there you go. You look like a Jeffrey Dahmer, only a gingerbread man. You are a hefty fellow.

Tell us about your life, Mike. You are a hefty fellow. Tell us about your life, Mike. What do you do for a living now? I'm medically retired from the military. Okay, medically retired. Is that what you said? What are you talking about it? You don't? No.

Okay, does it have to do with trusting thoughts? I got, I got. Okay, all right. I was causing the Medevac and What? Okie dokie you're not my favorite believe we're having flashbacks right now This is a live show Mike. All right signed up for this So you don't I'm ready. What else do you not want to talk about just so that I know because you're on an interview on a live show right now

What else is off the table? Nothing. Okay, tell us more about your life. You have a relationship right now. Does someone let you dress like that? Yeah, my ex-wife lives with me. Really? That is exactly what you're dressed like.

You're dressed like a guy that lives with his ex-wife. It is incredible. She's so mad at me. I'm trying to be a porn star with these on. Oh, that's okay. Yeah, that's with those glasses. Yeah. Do you like gingerbread men?

I guess I heard the question. I don't know. You never had one? Don't they have cinnamon? I'm allergic to cinnamon. And it fucked up. I think gingerbread men might remind him of the Iraqi brown guys that he's killed before. Uh, okay.

So Mike, what do you do for fun here? Out of the military, you don't want to talk about the military, what makes you who you are? What are you into? Uh, I like to fish. I like to talk shit to people. I like to help people build shit. I don't know.

I just helped my buddy build a fence the other day. That was fun. Oh, I bet. I bet he's the one that asked for it, too. Yeah. Keep you on the other side. Yeah, they're all going to make fun of me. I know that.

Can we build it a little taller, you think, Mike? Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh.

Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh.

Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh.

Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh I find you to be so interesting. Why do you not want to talk about your military past? Is it traumatizing to you? I just don't want to get in trouble. Why would you get in? Come on. This is what makes you good. What do you know? This is what makes you... That's... That was a black hot crew chief.

Okay, tell us more. Uh, I did three tours to Iraq. I was there for the invasion. Okay. Hell yeah. Black Hawk. I love it. Is your ex-wife also into Black Hawk? What?

Actually, I don't know. She got Black Hawk downed. Incredible. When you were in the military, you were both enjoying black cock. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So, what else? What else do you think would be an interesting thing? You've seen the show before? Yeah.

So, what do you think in all of your life would be an interesting thing for you to say in this? Interview portion of the show. You got Post Malone, Joe Rogan, and Kurt Metzger here. Yeah, I'm like, fuck shit. Yeah, this is that moment. You had that set. So maybe now you could redeem yourself with some type of... It's like, yeah, I don't know. Uh, great.

I did, I was in the aerosol after my first tour, and then I did the Medevac on my third tour. And then, uh, crazy thing you saw over there. Tell us something that we would surprise us as civilians. Mmm. I don't know. Uh, crazy is bomb that you've ever seen happen to you on stage tonight. Yeah, that's this one. This one beats all those ones.

Yeah. Okie dokie, Mike. Well, oh my god, the withdrawal from Afghanistan was my whole time doing stand-up though. So it's your second time doing stand-up. I did stand-up last week. How did it go last week? I had a bunch of comics and they'd been doing the same thing. Same thing.

There was more laughter here, so I was like, there was more here? Holy shit. I thought you were doing a moment of silence to honor the troops that you worked with. It's fucking incredible, dude. Well, Mike, thank you for your service. You've been through a lot. I love that you're trying new things. Congratulations.

Here's the little joke book. There you go. There goes Mike Thealacker, everybody. All right. Pull another name out of the bucket. Here we go. You guys get it. You happy to be here?

Anything can happen. Another name pulled out of the bucket. Let's meet them all together. Allie Musa. Allie could be her. Maybe it's a he. Allie Musa. Okay, Allie Musa, everybody.

Yeah. Happy to be here, because I've been doing a lot of weird shows. A couple months ago, I did something called Uber Comedy, where a comedian picked me up in his Honda cord, and we drove around as I did stand-up comedy for three very uncomfortable women sitting in the back seat. And it was weird. I couldn't do jokes. I couldn't, like, it was too intimate.

So I got creative. And I was like, you know what? I'll do my impression of cat Williams if he was a tour guide in Austin, Texas. So I was like, welcome to Austin, mother fucking, Texas. It is the richest and broken city in the United States of America. Here we are on World Famous Six Street

where the zombie apocalypse is taking place specifically on that part of the sidewalk. If you look over to your right, you'll see a group of Caucasian people breaking the traffic laws. They're using the crosswalk when they ain't supposed to be using the motherfucking crosswalk. Thank you. I guess that's it. 57 seconds from Ali Musa.

Welcome, Ali. You've been on this show before. A few times, but not for a while, yeah. Welcome back, Ali. You still look like a melting fortune teller. Yeah. Right. It is an incredible.

I thought he looks like his name is Enigo Montoya, and I killed his father. I get an archipelago to die. The other day I was told I looked like if Momargadaffee fucked a Danny Treho. That is true. That is true. If he fucked Johnny Depp, I would say.

I just loved that that traumatized soldier walked back there and ran into you after a sad easy night. Oh! Oh! Oh! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. Holy shit. Ali, how long have you been to in stand-up? I hit 12 years last week.

Wow. Yeah. Been awhile. Okay. What are some highlights of your career so far? Tell us what it's been 12 years in the game. I got to open for Joey Diaz a few times at the tempi improv. Sweet.

Oh yeah. That was exciting. Okay. What else is going on in life? Where do you live now? I live here in Austin. Across the street yeah. That was exciting. Okay. What else is going on in life? Where do you live now? I live here in Austin across the street from the old Cap City comedy club so I get to see that shutdown every day as I drive by it. Yeah. Lovely neighborhood up there. Oh yeah. Absolutely. Really amazing. Rent's good there, huh? This is not bad. When you have meth heads for neighbors,

it works out. Yeah. Absolutely. How do you know their meth heads? What do they do? They just scream in the middle of the night, three o'clock in the morning. Yeah. Gunshots at 5am, you know. You should've said they do meth. They do meth. Yeah.

Fuckin' ay. I love it. So what do you do? What do you do for fun, Ali Musa? For fun, you know, a recorded podcast called the Allie USA podcast. Let's not plug your fucking shit show, Alim. Set wasn't good enough to get that in there, buddy. Right.

You're still on this show right now. Maybe, maybe do good on this one before you plug your podcast. So what do you, what do you into other than the shit you just plugged? So what do you, what are you into other than the shit you just plugged? I like to work out a lot. I live stream all the time. It's a sure grinder bio right now. What's going on? It might be long walks on the gay beach. I saw a video of you pole dancing the other day. And you did it really well. Is that how you recruit for ISIS?

Yeah, I did a show at the Red Bands Club, the sunset stripping. It was a pole dancing slash comedy show. So when I went up to do my standup set, I just started doing pole moves and shit. So yeah. Okay. I do know how to do it so well though.

You like really did it good. It's what I've been working out for. Just that moment. I'll let up to that, I guess. What's your love life like with a face like yours? Ah. It's not bad, you know. I'm, I can pull dance, I'm sure it's good.

Yeah, I bet he rides a lot of pull with a face like that. It's got to do with what, deal with what you're dealt. Right. What's it like? Are you like the, what are you, King Catfish? What's going on over here? Tell us more. I've been with a few big girls before.

That's my specialty, I would say. Okay. You know, all right. I've learned that the bigger they are, the more in shape you need to be. So that's why I'm at the gym all the time. That is true. If you plan on being aggressive with them at all,

you have to move them around it off. You have to lift a leg. Absolutely. What's something crazy that you've been through with a big girl in bed? One time she was so big that by the end, it literally felt like a UFC fight. And then Joe Rogan walked in the room

and started interviewing me. Is this true? Yeah. All right, Allie, new stuff. Anything else, most interesting thing about you that we haven't talked about in all the interviews of you or Phil Tony Hicks. I get recognized for doing that Ben Shapiro thing on here all the time. That's like the number one thing.

Did you do Ben Shapiro remind us? Do it. Okay. Well, there's kind of a different version, but if I feel that Ben Shapiro always talks about how we need more alpha males in society, and I feel like you're Ben Fuckin Shapiro. Can't someone like Joe Rogan pass along that message? Because you need to at least be sexually attracted to like attractive to women, right?

Because it's Ben Shapiro sexy ladies. It's Ben Shapiro sexy. All right, this is a long story. This is the impression. All right, get to the fucking impression. I'm adding Ben Shapiro, fucking you trying to talk sex. You're like, I have now inserted my penis into your vagina.

My erect penis is now inside of your vagina. The only thing that would make the sexual intercourse any more satisfying is if we were to do it on Helix Sheets. Go to helixsheets.com right now for 20% after your next order with promo code abortion is murder. That is. That's good. That's good. That's good.

Just cut the whole first part and do it. I should have done that minute. Yeah, you don't need all that setup at all. You can literally go straight in and you can imagine that Ben Shapiro was fucking you. Dude, you bullshit like that before you pulled in? I hope not. Allie, you've gotten a joke book on the show before.

I have, yeah. Okay, well there you go. You got it. I would love to have you on the Secret Show Thursday for you. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha for Scott Fillmore everyone. We're gonna meet them all together. Scott Fillmore. Oh wow, here he is. Scott Fillmore everybody. Hi everybody. It's good to be here. So I'm Gay. You're welcome. It's my gift to you guys. Part of being gay in today's society,

you're trying to find the perks, there's some good stuff about it. I recently learned my favorite part is, I said Faggot in front of my black friend the other day, and he got real tense. We made eye contact, he was super uncomfortable, and he goes, oh shit, that's what that feels like. He's like, huh? Two can play that. I was like, huh?

Two can play that game, buddy, huh? It's not fun to be left out, is it? So I'm suggesting we implement an exchange program to any black people in the crowd tonight. This is an open-offer. Five Faggits for one N-word. I feel like that's pretty good. Thanks, guys. That's all you got.

Yeah. Holy shit. First time we've had one of you guys on tonight. Someone with jokes. Almost forgot what it was like. Do you hear that hanz Kim? My goodness. Scott, film more. What's up?

Wait, did you and the black guy fuck her? What? We're working on it. We'll get there. Scott, welcome. Is your last name really Philmore? Because it looks like you live by that. It's a... I can't imagine you being more filled.

Scott Philmore. It means a lot coming from a clear bottom, Tony. I love it. That's true. Well, I actually... It's... Yes. Yes, it's... You win a prize for being the 5,000th person.

Call me a bottom. Congratulations, Scott. But doesn't it mean more for me? I have a feeling you have sex on bottom position more than I do, my friend. I'm really not an exercise, guys. That is incredible. That is an awesome bucky shirt you're wearing.

Thank you, thank you. Fuck yeah. Not above pandering to my audience. Do you live here in Texas? I moved here last night, so. Wow! Hell yeah! Wow.

That is the biggest story I've ever heard! Yeah, I'm from Salt Lake City, shout out. Hell yeah! Oh, what a post! You know, the what up post? Big fan of your chicken, dude. Thank you very much. Also, can we cool it on the fucking ads? All I hear is you hawking chicken for all of the Spotify driving down here.

It was crazy. It's not my fault. It's Spotify. It's just Scott Phil's. It's like chicken tenders. I don't even, I still don't know how the fuck I got here. Hey, here's, this is great. It's perfect.

This is how we get all of our biggest guests. Are you Mormon? Uh, I grew up Mormon. No shit. I grew up in Jova Witness, the natural enemy of you people. We should fight. We should fight. We should fight.

We should fight. No one there. We should fight. No one there. We should fight. We should fight. We should fight. And here we go.

We should fight. Okay, so Scott Filmmer, how long you been on Stand Up Comedy? Three years. Three years, all of it in Salt Lake City. I love that. Why's guys, yeah? Hell yeah.

Why's guys? One of the best clubs in the country. Um, so what do you miss about Salt Lake City other than the salt? Uh, is that what they call your gen, Jesus Christ. Okay, Kurt, this is what that's all right. We get some more, we get some cradum up here for Kurt. You know, mellow it out of it. Okay, so let's talk about it. You got here last night.

When did you buy the Bucky shirt? If you got here last night? It was like, I work here every once in a while and I went to Bucky's a couple of months ago and I had to get it. Okay. Bucky's rules, man. Bucky's the best thing about Texas. I love it. I love it.

What's your love life like? What has more X's? You are the shirt tag. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha I'm not a joke, see you know what I mean? I'm a piece of shit. I'm a fucking shit. I'm a fucking shit. Just get a lovely life. Just get carefully, dude. Didn't you just get canceled? I'll do it again, motherfucker.

I'll get you. I get, no, it's, I don't think I can get canceled by Chinese food. Just the people. Oh, love life is not great. X Mormons aren't good boyfriends, who knew? Uh, meeting the parents isn't very fun. Um, yeah, chair travel.

Are you gay? What? Are you gay? They tell me that, I guess, yeah. Did I miss that? Do you think he's faking it to get health insurance like that movie? What?

I missed it. I don't know. I'm running the fuck it. I'm trying to get the next comedian up there. I missed the beginning. That's the whole thing. It happens. It happens. It happens. It happens. It happens. It happens. I have to do a bunch of shit over here. Believe it or not. It's a nightmare. Was your dick that hard? You didn't even listen? Yes. It was so hard that the blood stopped.

Maybe it got hard and that's why I didn't notice it. That's true. I'm saying what's happening? It's so true. This is all true. I have an appeal. I have an happening? It's because I'm sure. This is all true. I haven't appealed. That's all I'm saying. I don't know. Work on me. Okay, all right.

Post, I'm blushing, dude. What are you doing? So, you're in Austin, Texas now, which is more lenient towards Gays than Salt Lake City is what you're saying. I will find out. I don't know. How are you going to find out? I'm curious what your next move is.

Are you on apps or something? I'm getting on Grindr. Right. Grindr, Hogey, everything you're on. I love it. My specialty is guys in the closet, so... Hey, what's up?'s challenging huns Kim next week I love it okay so wait does that magic underwear still work after you defy it that

way I cut some strategic holes in it so it's a holy underwear now he could say what kind of guys are you really into? Because you're what they would call what? Flamboyant bear? Just fat. Is what? Fat, okay. Okay. It's actually mean bears are like hairy dudes

with thick beards. And literally, if you're just a normal fat guy, it's your chub. Ah. Which feels like bullying to me. It's a- I have your chub. Ahhh. Which feels like bullying to me. It's a... I have a chub right now. Yeah.

You better quit. You better fucking quit. Yeah. You know. Oh shit. Oh fuck. I love it. But I didn't get an answer out of you.

What kind of guys are you actually into? Do you have a preferred type or you just like all different shapes and sizes? I like to, nerdy guys. Okay. Alright. I like to feel protective. Absolutely. Okay.

That's good. Yeah. This is true. This guy right here. Oh yeah. That guy for here. Oh, yeah. That guy for sure. Sorry, ma'am. I love it.

So Scott, what else, anything else we should know about you before we let you go? An amazing performance. Thank you. Thank you. I don't know. I'm just here to do shows and have fun and take a swing at it.

Also play music. What kind of music do you play? I grew up doing folk music. I play fiddle and mandolin. Oh, hell yeah. You do. Folk music. Folk music.

You do. You do. You, okay. What the fuck, dude? I don't know. I was a long fuse. Yeah. Yeah. So, what's the music? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. You okay What the fuck dude?

I don't leave that was a long fuse Yeah, so fiddle Mandolin okay, you sing sure really? Okay, when you guys do it like a folk beat is that a thing the band? Do you know yeah what you would call the rhythm that you want? There he goes, ladies and gentlemen. I was, I was not the folk singer. I, uh, I sang opera. Okay, can you sing some opera for us, perhaps? How many of you want to hear Scott sing some opera right now, huh?

Oh, sit. Bravo's wild. John Galey over here. That's good, huh? That's good. Ladies and gentlemen, Scott Film are making his Killtony debut.

Moved here last night, he's wearing a Bucky shirt. Shirt Next to post-belon Joe Rogan on kill Tony his first night as an Austin resident. Here he is It ain't over till the fat lady sings so here we go You'll cut that music bro. I go archipelago let's go let's go Oh Yeah Oh, they are What the fuck? Shit, yeah I mean, fuck I'm dead as serious, fuck Yeah, fuck me, fuck me That is one of the coolest fucking musical things that have ever happened in the history of the show

fucking musical things that have ever happened in the history of the show. Scott Villamore, I have made an exact, when I just heard you saying I made a decision. I instead of Casey Rocket, because I can always do that, I'm gonna have you battle Hans Kim next week. I just find it all to be too interesting. You got here last night, you're wearing a Bucky shirt, you have the balls to make fun of me back. Scott Billmore, welcome to the Killtony Universe. Okay. You know that guy's a serial killer, right?

I'm not buying it. I'm not buying it. What do you mean? You think that good? You just moved here last night. You're saying he puts the game? He's a certain, you knew you'd love. You're saying he puts the gay and John Wayne Gacy?

Yes. All right. He's going to be challenging for a regular ship next week, an opportunity that can completely change his entire life. And that's what happens when you become a regular here, just like your next comedian's life changed only a month ago. Ladies and gentlemen, one of the most powerful forces in Killtony history. Somehow, internationally famous after only five weeks of being on the show.

This is the future, one of the strongest regulars, a new 60 seconds every week. He's yet to disappoint one of the most likeable coolest guys, makes the noise for Killtony Zone. Can't Patterson! Okay, how good that gay nigga say he can't say nigga, though, huh? He's not allowed. Y'all have been racially profiled by a crackhead. Just me? I was on C-Stream and crackhead,

it seemed like he knew good. I know you. And I like, but you don't know me. He said, nah, they got to know you. You said crack, donor. And I like, nah, but I do not sell. Cracks, it's not nigga. You sell crack. I said, bro, thanks.

You telling me that nigga over there is a liar. He was pointing at a brick wall. I was like, bro, I do not sell crack. He said, hmm, well, you could have fooled me, bitch, it just walked away. Let me tell you how some, I'm a good person. So I sold him crap. A force to be reckoned with.

One minute, two seconds, brand new. Another one, the great Pam Patterson. One of the top young rising comedians in the world. How's it going, Pam? Good, it shit, crazy, though. Look at this nigga, man, fuck up a little. What the fuck? Crazy shit, bro.

Yeah, Pam just moved here from Orlando, Florida a few months ago. He doesn't new-mitted on this show every single week, and he's a viral sound right now. He's a viral sound effect from saying that he likes rocks, that he's not retarded. Famously said, I'm not retarded, but I love rocks. He just gave Post Malone an actual seashell that he had at his pocket. Oh, that's a real rock? Wow. That's incredible. Kim, can I just say thank you for telling me crack and for forgiving me? Yeah. Ha ha.

It's all good. Baby, when are that? Business is moment. It's very suspicious that the crack heads instincts or so strong that they know, they literally know you have some kind of rocks in your pocket. Like it is so wild that they're so close to being correct. Fear instincts have to be that strong. When I was doing that show on Houston and I was selling the rocks,

I saw a crack in water if he was rapping. And so I signed a rock and I gave it to him. I can't smoke this nigga. That is hilarious. What else has been going on in your life, Cam? You're a newly famous, you're in Austin, you have your dream job, everything's happening, you're killing on the road, you sold out Houston, Texas, you're doing some of these massive theaters with me on the road. What else? People, like a lot of white people take pisses with me though, and it's crazy, because like, roster got like shit stains in my drawers.

Uh-huh. So like, be like this person is insane. Uh-huh. Wait, what? I missed that too. Some dude said he was gay earlier, I didn't hear it. I have no idea what you just said. Kim, what kind of white people are you hanging out with?

No, I just, no, I just hand sometimes. You getting them bitches, you feeling me? Wait, they have shit stains on. Oh, I just, no, I just hand sometimes you get them bitches. You feel me? Wait, they have shit stains on. No, I said, no, I said I do. Why do you have shit stains? Sometimes it happens, you know? What happens? Sometimes you just don't earn a hand?

No, I don't. No, I don't know. No, no, no. What is that have to do with you taking pictures with white people? I just feel like I'm just like, it's crazy. I'm still like a fucking kid basically. Oh, I see.

So it's kind of cool. I'm trying to compare it to maybe I went the wrong way. You give them a say, both. This episode is actually sponsored by Dude Wipe. So we're hooking you up with a light pen supply of Dude Wipe. You see a lifetime? Yeah. You see a lifetime. The mint flavor.

You took a picture? Wait, that's hot. Do you mean you took a picture with the veteran who shot his pants earlier? Yeah, my dog. That's my nigga, dog. Oh, man. I love it.

And you just told us last week or the week before that you just started getting into white women, how's that been going for you? Pretty good. You're gonna do it. You're gonna do it. And so they don't... They thought it's like, did it real good?

You know how to say, oh, they thought, yeah. You're a fucking machine, Cam. It is unbelievable. What else should we know before letting you go? I just went to the... Oh, T.I.A. Lavin first, huh? Oh, yeah.

That's right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's actually interesting. I follow the comedy store on Instagram, and I'm always shocked to see how little, what's the word, interaction. They have very few comments on the posts nowadays. But I clicked on the one that you were on, and literally every comment was like,

holy shit, cam Patterson. It was like a celebrity arrived, which I find so interesting, because you're literally the newest door guy here, but you're the biggest person that's popped into the comedy story a while. You woke them up. Very interesting. I think it's a very telling of where the Austin

and LA comedy scenes are right now, but it's no disrespect to you. That's incredible that people... Thank you, Beth. Yeah. Well, you're the man cam. You did it again this week, another brand new minute. Yeah, bro.

Absolutely incredible. Come on, mix the noise for Cam Patterson, everybody. Not easy to kill every single week. Yeah. He'll be on the road with me, some of these dates coming up. Pulled another name out of the bucket. Another brand new 60 seconds. He'll be on the road with me some of these dates coming up. Pulled another name out of the bucket. Another brand new 60 seconds.

This looks like a new name for sure. Make some noise for Eric Kozen. Or everybody. Eric Ko everybody. Let's go! Well, first I want to start off by saying, am I right? Like, existence right now is so... Like, I don't know if you know this,

but I didn't have to be here. Did you get asked to be here? No, none of us did Like existence to me is wild. There's a guy upstairs with all of the IQ points Every single one of him. He is the smartest being in the universe and This was the best that he could do This is all he could do. We are flailing through the universe on a rock. Burning up by the way.

Remember, I did not ask to be here. It is so bad that we, as a species, had to create an imaginary place to go after. It is so bad that there is a guy I had to create an imaginary place to go after. It is so bad that there is a guy somewhere on this earth. I remember the first time I got high. I remember the first time I got high. I remember the first time I got high. Sounded a lot like that.

I remember the first time I got high. What is this dude? How are you? Erick, erick, erick. I don't know what the fuck just happened there, but... What day would happen? I got damn 10x talk. Not even a 10.

You might be a little too good looking to do stand-up comedy. My friend, I don't know what's going on over here. Oh, you asked to be born really handsome. Is that weird? That's fun. That's fun on over here. Oh, you asked to be born, really handsome. That's fun. That's weird. That's weird. Oh, you asked to be born, really handsome. That's weird. That's weird. That's weird.

Eric, how long you been doing stand-up comedy? This is my very first time. Oh, wow. Okay. All right. And a full head of hair, motherfucker. Okay. All right.

What made you want to start here tonight? How old are you? I'm 38. Take a step that way. Get off of fucking Post Malone's lap. You creep as always. Me and Post are your friends. Just, oh, come on, he just son of a bitch.

Are you mad? Are you mad? OK, Eric, let's talk about it. I said no to him before, so. Yeah, second time's the charm. So you're starting stand-up comedy, how old are you? No, I'm not starting stand-up comedy. I am 38, I just thought this would be fun to do, I just don't know.

Was it fun to do? Yeah, I liked it. Don't you, isn't it fun to try shit that you've never done? Don't you think it would have been fun for us to have somebody that prepared to be up here? Yeah, no, no. You selfish fuck. Hey, to be fair, my best joke was the last one I got cut off, so. But I'm sorry.

You're gonna do it, let it finish! Okay, do it, no, finish it! This is a late no. No, let's hear his best joke. Come on, stand back up there. Here he is, everybody, finishing his joke. Eric Kozender! You got a Bony-S!

Yeah. Here he is, finishing. The best joke was the last one. First of all, take a fuck Eric. There is no- Listen to me, Eric. Take two steps fucking back. People, listen to me, next time.

I'm the host. Take fucking two steps that way. And don't come back this way. You son of a bitch. You non-joke having mother fucker. All right, look. Come on, let's hear the best joke. This is just, it's not going to be good because it's cut off now.

No, yeah. Just pretend like there's a minute of Unfunny. Jesus talk. Okay, so here it is. Okay, Eric hit us with it. There's literally a guy out there on earth somewhere See That is telling someone else Dude, I know it's bad now, but wait until you die. It gets better Oh there it is. This is what you want it but wait until you die, it gets better. Oh, there it is. This is what you want it.

You're dirty, you're useless! Okay, it's curved. We're gonna fall ahead of the middle of the ice here. Okay. Eric, Eric, here you go. Here's a little joke book. We're getting you out of here, buddy. There he goes.

There he goes. Eric Cozender, who will always be known as... Nice to meet you, man. Eric, get the fuck outta here, Eric. Eric, get out of here. Who him? Get a fucking bill! Eric's trying to fuck post the law. Oh, ladies and gentlemen, Royal fans arrived. They think of us and run away.

Oh, my God. You can help me settle something, okay? Yeah. You can help me settle something, okay? Yeah. A little while, that's my new dog, that's Maddie. I wanted to name her Smudge, but I got shot out of this guy. My girlfriend's dog is Sophie, and we were going to breed her a couple of years ago to a friend of ours that had the same dog, Shitsu, and we had some

friends that one was, so that's what we're gonna do. And she was out of town the day before they were gonna bring that dog over, and she called me and said, oh, you got an appointment for Sophie at the groom and tomorrow, I want to get her all fixed up for a big day, and I'm like, I don't think you understand how it's worse. She's in heat, that dog's gonna come over, smell her and fuck her, and they go home. And the next day I forgot to do it, so I just shaved her pussy. Is that weird? Thanks, I just want to stop in and say hi on my way.

We're on dog, everybody. Sweet little dog. You guys want to do something crazy? How many of you have been fans of the show for a long time? Well then you might know that at the 10 year anniversary show one of the greatest regulars in the history of the show retired and was replaced by Cam Patterson. But good news is that he was given the option to do a new minute on the show anytime he wants. Ladies and gentlemen, future Killtony Hall of Famer legend of the game, Rose Scott. David Lucas, everybody. I hate this generation we live in.

This every kid gets a trophy generation where parents want all they kids to be special. They be giving these niggas diseases like autism and ass burgers. And these motherfuckers be regular as shit, you know what? Like, I feel offended. Because I grew up with a real retard. You know what I'm saying? Like, I grew up with a retarded uncle. His name is Cash, and a lot of people are like,

why do you feel comfortable calling your uncle retarded? And I'm like, spend five minutes with this motherfucker. And you gonna call him retarded and nigger, I probably. Like get this retarded nigger away from me, man, what the fuck? And the crazy part about it is this motherfucker has the biggest dick I've ever seen on a human. This motherfucker got a 13-ish dick on soft, and he don't even know how to use it. He don't even know what a dick supposed to get hard.

His dick get hard from scramble and eggs. This nigga don't even know. That's how I know God got a sense of human, because you know, that's some bullshit, man. Like, God got to be a female, because only a female would do some bitch-ass shit like that. Why you? Why you get up on for a 13-ish dick and he can't use it? I'm up here telling jokes I couldn't be doing only fans bitch. What the? All right, that's my time. I think

The return of a legend the great the powerful the powerful David Lucas, post Malone, meet roast Malone. What's up boy? Yo ass look like an unemployed crocodile hunter. That's my fucking crazy. That's my fucking crazy. That's it. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. All of them doves in your mouth, Nick. You have pit bulls. I know you mean the hood like my fucking boy.

Look at this thing, man. Oh, man. Well, it looked like you let my daughter color your face. Well, you look like you asked my daughter right on ABCs, nigga. You don't give a fuck no, boy. You got too much money, dawg, this one. This one, fuck, I went to the tattoo shop and said, tattoo satisfactory under my eye.

Look at Tony, boy, you look like a gay clansman. Nigger, put that hood on. Well, basically any time I'm around you, I feel like a gay clansman. Yeah, boy, you look like a gay gallon of milk. Nigger, you'll ask. That shit full of semen, Nigger. Oh my God. Coming on strong.

Look at Kurt Mesker, boy, you look like a useless X-man. Niggah, yo. Yo, special power. At his special powers, his toenails get real long, nigga. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, That's true. I'm about like a 12-inch toenail. We gotta put a fireman boot on. That's a real power. Kurt Masker. Oh my God.

David Lucas coming in bigger and blacker than ever. I mean, just absolute weight has been gained for sure. You look like the climax of... I'm not like you fucking swear. You look like the climax of Oppenheimer. Like, why you... Really? I mean, you got... Why you put on white bitch about to get baptized in the US?

Maybe up that nigga in the water. Booty first, where I put this. You're the only kid to get baptized with his t-shirt still on. Ha-ha still on. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha How's the summer been treating you, David? You're sweating bullets at 73 degrees in here right now. For those of you just watching on YouTube. You scared him. It's truly 73.5 degrees.

I'm looking directly at it. It is incredible. You're a baby pigeon, nigga. You don't fucking feel nothing. What is you talking about? Fuck it. Baby flamingo, nigga. It has perched up right now.

Oh, my. What a clamp. You got some athletic clansmen, Giron. Fuck it. Baby Flamingo, nigga, you have... Perched up right now, what's it? Oh, my... What a cl- You got some athletic clansmen, get wrong, nigga, you have... Play basketball for the clans, what, you have... You score 23 points against Black Pantsons, nigga. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha I miss you Joe. I'm sorry I've been going for so long. I've been on the road. I miss you so much Joe That's my nigga boy. I love you dog. That's my boy What's up?

How's it going David tell us more you've been on the road. What's going on out there? What's shit man? Been on the road, you know. I'm filming my special right here at the mothership and a little boy, September 22nd, and the 23rd. So thankful to Joe Rogan, man. He gave us comedians that are not safe in the ones that don't adhere to the regular rules. A safe haven here at the mothership and the rest of the world is catching on with

what we're doing baby. You know what I'm saying? God damn mother fucking right. I noticed you didn't do Joe though. Huh? I noticed you didn't do Joe. That's my daddy man. I can't remember what that's like. Paul, David finally found his dad everybody. Everybody Look at this fucking wheels turning Tony yo daddy is RuPaul nigga get the fuck about him Tony hey Tony had to walk the cat walking for it He had heels on that for boy. Yo ass was out here and fucking fish net patty holes in four years old,

boy, you was a nasty motherfucker, boy. You ain't even, you ain't even go, you ain't even have no training pants on, boy, you went straight talking. You ain't even gonna pull those, you were straight talking. You are bigger than ever, what have you been doing? Why, how did you get out of this? I thought I was on the right, man.

Tell the people, they wanna know, these are fanziers, what have you been doing? Why, how did you get out of it? I thought I was on the right, make a stop. Tell the people, they wanna know, these are fanziers. What have you been doing on the road? You on the Patrisso, need a guy? What's happening out here? I was gonna ask that dude. Kurt, please shut up, make a... Kurt, you can't say a fucking name, boy, L.S. You look like a struggling werewolf, L.S.

Ha, ha, ha, ha. A werewolf that ain't killed him a, nigga. Oh, my God. That nigga can't wait for a fool, boo. He's a... He wait for a fool, boo. That bitch ain't ain't in a long time. Seven months. Pollution is a motherfucker, ain't it, long time. Seven months. Pollution is a mother for, I ain't a curt, yo have. That one for go outside, ready to hal a gun.

Oh shit. What up? Holy shit, David Lucas. Still got it. King of the roast. What else is going on, David? Man, you know, just these road dates, I'm in West New York, New York, August 27th Nashville, Tennessee, August 30th,

Zany Chicago, August 31st, Rose, Martella, Noise, September 1st Make sure y'all pull up on me man. Thank y'all. Thank y'all for everything There he is. He's on the Indian house tour right now David Lucas Brought me life fucking jack in the box. Amazing. One more time for David Lucas, everybody. Come on. This is a real life fucking show.

That was fucking amazing. That was amazing. Yeah. And I think it's about to stay amazing. We had a young lady pulled out of the bucket a couple months ago who actually broke the all-time Killtony record for longest length of an interview because she was so interesting

and we ended up finding out that she stormed the capital and she became a legend. This is only her second time ever on the show. She's inside. Make some noise for Karen Jones, everybody. This way, Karen. Now, to the people that Thank you. Thank you. This is so exciting. I can't believe the panel, but I'll get right to it. Here's to the beat that stung the bull.

Start to the bull to bucking. Same dang beat that stung you and me and start to the world to fornicating. Birds do it and fly. Spiders do it and die. Dogs do it and stick to it. But I don't do it. You know why?

Thank you. Because I think the thought of an old lady having sex is repulsive. That makes me sick, it's gross. Yes, you should. And probably the only thing that is even on par with old people having sex is kids sex. So we have pedophilia and then we've got gerophilia. No, they're both gross to me. Old people having sex is not a disease or a crime, but it should be. Thank you. Okay, Karen Jones, very a lot of awkward poetic sets tonight people are having.

Where were you on the evening of the Tate Lobby Encham murders? I was a child, I'm not quite that old, it was very exciting. She was at her house on Haunted Hill. You are an interesting lady, Karen Jones. Welcome back. Have you been doing stand-up comedy? Well, I've been doing a little bit. I've been out in the sticks.

So I haven't had very many opportunities, but I've done a few one-minute sets at Shakespeare's. OK. And then I did probably a five-minute set in Driftwood. OK, you're getting very specific uh... i guess you've been doing stand-up comedy i'd like to be doing more i wish that i was in the city but i was out in medina after i did the last set and there's nothing going on

out there in that part of his that's a funky cold medina okie dokie uh... so caron we know nothing about you really other than that you storm the capital uh... allegedly oh it's up to allegedly now well no storming is such a uh... strong word

oh okay sometimes i forget when you're talking to a stormer they get a little defensive about the terminology that you call them uh... i'm sorry i just think i don't feel like old sex is the same as kids sex well i think that, okay, this obviously is not a hit with this audience, and you're a pretty youthful group. I said, hold not. Okay, Kurt, cut the fucking line.

No, but old people having sex is gross and unnatural to me, but pedophilia is a whole lot. Okay, let's not go back to that. Jesus, Chris, Kurt, I just got in on the Capitol and you're going back to business. Somehow she made it worse. I know, it's crazy. You talking about sex just isn't cool at all. Well, exactly, that's my point.

There's nothing cool about old people in sex. Okie dokie, let's go back to the not storming of the Capitol. Have you gotten any backlash from your appearance on the show where you talked about literally storming the Capitol? Well, the newspaper that made the allegations in public said that I came on here and boasted about it. And they called you an amateur comedy show.

Oh, OK. They did not mention that it was a Joe Rogan's mother ship. They said a January 6th, the January 6th person was boasting in an amateur comedy club, and then they listed all of my confessions. And as just, you know, they really want me to go to jail. Was this newspaper a voice inside your head? I wish, but something horrible happened because they're the free newspaper and are 150

year old actual daily newspaper in Santa Barbara went broke. They went tits up about two weeks ago. Wow. So now the news is. Tits up because of a lady that's tits down. Those things are fucking on sag strike right now. Those are screen actors, gilded. Tits, those things did not storm.

You must have been tripping all over those trying to get in there. Those stuff more people than the security there. There's 38 longs. Okay. Hell yeah. Oh God. Oh Jesus. Okay, hell yeah. Oh God. Oh Jesus. Yeah, I think I just got bingo.

35 long mixed with 75 lady. Holy shit, Karen, how do you make a living now? What exactly do you do? What fucking, who's bed do you hide under at night to scare their kids professionally into doing their homework or something like that? I am a blogger. You guys know that for just $1,000,

you can hire her to scare your kids to death. No. I do scare my grandchildren a lot. It's something I enjoy. Right. It's fun. But my most recent work was working on a ranch for Goldstar families run by Kinky Friedman and his sister Marcy.

It's called Echo Hill. And that's where I was staying down there on a trailer. And I can't go home right now because I've been signing up for this every week. And I'm on a no-fly list. They wouldn't even let me pick up the Goldstar. Are you serious? Yes, serious. They tried to arrest me at the Austin Airport last Christmas.

And they read me, there's a special TSA rights thing. I wasn't even aware of. And they were trying to like get hurt. I put a lot of guys this guy. OK, OK, OK. Are you telling me the kinky freedman outlived Don I miss? Yes he did. Oh, that's what you wanted to say.

Oh my god. 46 years old. Can we get Virgin John Daly's for a current from this point out? Arnold Palmer, shit. Get it. Said a Don I miss reference on Killtony? This is an amateur comedy show. Holy shit. Nothing better than 20, 20, 23 for a hot Don I miss reference on Killtony. This is an amateur comedy show. Oh, holy shit.

Nothing better than 2023 for a hot Don I miss drop. No, Kiki is playing to the back of the room. Kiki is up there in years, but we did a five city tour at the beginning of the summer. I apologize, I apologize, everyone. No, I'm the tour granny. That's work that I do. and I would book the hotels and assist him. So anyway, kinky's great. Okay, please forgive me. But anyway, you want to hear

about me almost getting arrested at the Austin Airport. And then a kid missed his flight for the first session of the Gold Star Camp. So I go by granny at camp and they said, well, granny will come pick him up at the airport and So anyway, I went to the airport to get this kid and they wouldn't let me in they ran me They had to get supervisors and they said she's not allowed in any secure area They told me it was a really there's something that you did other than January 6th That could lead to you being on a no-fly list I've never done it. it should be a short answer.

I attend school board meetings and the Department of Justice was targeting people that speak at school board meetings, but I've never been angry about writing. Stop, stop, stop, stop talking. You answer questions like you're at a congressional hearing, Karen. This is like a yes or no type of question that I'm asking you. Have you ever done anything that could possibly lead to you being on a no-fly list?

Other than January 6, that big fucking thing that happened that you were part of. Absolutely not. Okay. So that's interesting. I wonder if everybody, do you know, is there like a January 6 meetup group? Do you guys like communicate online? I find it weird that none of you guys would talk to each other after having such a...

What we're scared to, but I'm not as scared as some people because I've been not ear than most, but nothing that would get me on a no-fly list. The DUI story, you didn't even ask me. Backwards, how about my DUI job, I got that by being the only girl in my drunk driving class. And I was pregnant and I was very... Wait. Oh my God, was this recent? No, this was 40 years ago.

Oh, thank God. Yes. But so I mean, most of people at the Capitol ward... 40 years ago, you mean when Don I miss was a joke you can make I miss was pretty big back then yeah Karen Jones, I don't know what medicine you're on, but this is like watching a Requiem for a dream just certain parts like falling asleep and waking up And I think your hair got gray or while you are up here literally It's like falling asleep and waking up and I think your hair got gray or while you are up here literally

She's been on this show before there she goes everybody Karen Jones everyone there she goes. Yeah She always pretends like she doesn't know which direction to go. That's how you end up at the capital on January 6 Which way do I go? But she almost took over the country. Pulled another name out of the bucket. Make some noise for Drew Santana, everybody. Drew Santana. Here we go.

We're all meeting him together. The Kiltzoni debut of Drew Santana, everybody. Make some noise for Drew, everyone. These guys wait all night for this. Thank you. buddy. Make some noise to chew everyone. These guys wait all night for this. Thank you. All right, I'm taking applications for all right. I didn't expect this. I'm taking applications for a full-time position as my sugar momma. I don't care how old you are, how blown out your titties are. You know, if they're hanging down to the floor, if you got a pink deployed at airbag for a pussy,

you know, if you could make me some cheeky tindies and tuck me into bed at night, we can make this work, honey. Anyone here ever put Coke up their butts? And I, you know, a littleody coke, little Kester Cain. No, I'm sure. Thank you. High school was a very gay time for me.

That's it. That's it. The low hanging fruit for me is that I look scary and gay. You know, call me H-P-V, Lovecraft. I don't... Oh God. Call me, uh, HPV Lovecraft. I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don, I don, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don, I don, I don, I don't, I don, I don, I don, I don, I don, I don, I don, I don, I don, I don, I don, I don, I don, I don, I don, I don, I don, I don, I don, I don, I don, I don, I don, I don, I don, I don, I don, I don, I don, I don, I don, I don, I don, I don, I don, I don, I don, I don, I don, I don, I don, I don, I don, I don, I don, I don, I don, I don, I don, I don, I don, I don, I don, I don, I don, I don, I don, I don, I don, I don, I don, I don, I don, I don, I Holy shit, that was weird as fuck. You're like Malcolm in the Riddlin. You are just an awkward, awkward boy. Hello, is this your first time doing stand-up?

No, exactly. Is that what character you do? I've been here three months. I just hit 100 mics. I came out here to chase my dreams and run away from my problems and you know, why are we all are? Have you been lifting anti-gravity weights? What exactly do you have to do to get a body like that? I don't understand. Do you just wear floaties

in normal life? Do you like have to put like anchors on your shoes like what what exactly I don't understand how you even have negative muscle It's like I live in a 2001 Dodge Ram van Drives on a fifth. It's a it's a 1500 bed degrees Oki doki Wow, this is all the sudden things aren't so funny. You're like, oh shit. I'm confused what kind of vehicle it is. I was very confused on what kind of medication are we talking about right now. It is, I will answer Post Malone's point. You did say Doddram Van? He said Doddram Van 1500 degrees. Yes, it's a very hot man.

It's a very hot man. It is a Doddram van 1500 though. It is a ram van. Yeah, how does it, how does it a van if it's real? I don't know, I don't know. Isn't it a truck? It's very hot, so that's all. Okay, weather man.

Oh, man, man, it's cos, no, I don't know if you were in your car today, but it was hot. By the way, that weird mom thing you were talking about earlier, that chick went on just before you, you could probably still get her. Ah! Ah! So, Drew Santana, let's talk about it, my friend. How old are you? I just turned 25. I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I 25 the fuck dude holy shit so 25 where are you from from Colorado is born in Denver how long have you been in Austin? It's coming on three months now. What made you move here? The comedy you know to sell them a shit by a van and come out here and you know do the do the whole thing

That's how's it going? I'm very I'm very hungry So how's it going? I'm very hungry. Do you not have money for food? I need to pee. This is a lot of human feelings you're having right now. OK, so let's talk about it up here. Hi. So you moved here.

How are you surviving? Do you live in the Ramvan all the way? Yes. OK, how do you survive? How do you make money? How much did you save? I just just a more not as much as I thought I ran out pretty quickly. I'm an honest answer. Just give a ballpark here. About about two grand probably and then that lasted you know with everything I had to adjust for about, yeah, about come on, like, two and a half months, and now I'm just...

$2,000, $2.5 months? Mm-hmm. What do you think you spent most of your money on that, that, like, you shouldn't have? What was something naughty that you bought? Like, perhaps, you treated yourself to sushi or something like that one day? I, I am very socially extra-chromosomed. So, I, I came out here and I here and I was tipping a dollar for every water that I got at a bar because I just, I didn't,

that was, you know, it was a lot of, I'm financially responsible. That's probably the best way to describe it. Jesus Christ, dude. Holy shit. How do you think you ended up like this? Did you have an iPad as a kid? No.

We're starting to see some of those kids out in civilization now and talking for the first time. Just these kids that weren't really raised by anybody. Just sort of fucking, just had to keep the iPad charged. You know what I mean? Do you have a smartphone when you were young? Right? You've been playing a lot of games. I actually grew up very, very poor.

So like how poor? Let's talk about it. Yeah, I didn't, it was, wasn't until I... If, if... This is, this is very emotionally taxing right now. I'm very, very, very, very, very emotionally taxing show. And in an industry that's very emotionally taxing and you made all these sacrifices to do it, and now you're in a perfect opportunity

to have something magical happen. And you're turning inward into the microphone and you're just, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. Like this is like an opportunity. This is the best thing that could have happened when you moved here. You're next to successful, successful, low. Look at this. Wow, someone is what you, this is the best thing that could have happened when you moved here. Your next successful, successful, oh, look at this.

Wow, someone just gave you, what is that? Is that it? Is that an old $10 bill? I just, wow. Wow, it's a 20. I just, oh my goodness. Look at that. It's incredible.

That's gonna, that's gonna last him two and a half hours. Thank you so much, sir. That is amazing. It seems shitting. It seems like the right Welcome to Texas there you go get your something to eat His mom never made him spaghetti don't tease him like that don't tease them like that Ah, when you only have one box a craft macaroni and cheese left

You live in a trailer and you have no jokes and nothing to lose What do you do? Okay, so what made you want to get into stand-up comedy you seem uh? Do. Okay. So what made you want to get into stand-up comedy? You seem, uh, it's the best medicine I've ever had. Okay. That says a lot about our current health system more than anything else. If this isn't an advertisement for how bad our medicine is, uh, I know stand-up is

something. I wish it was less addictive, but... Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh He was new in town too. You know, you seem like you might be a little bit low on vitamins. And over at Zippix, they make a new B12 plus caffeine toothpick. I'm going to put this in a big joke book for you just because I think you should fill this thing up. This is Trio. Can you catch?

Bang and boom. You know what that means. You got to give the 20 back. There he goes. True Santana, everybody. All right. Now we're getting there. But we have one more special treat for you.

This guy won a golden ticket years ago on the road. He has just moved to Austin, Texas. One of the original golden ticket winners from up in the Washington DC area I do believe. This is the return he has cerebral palsy, a great comedian, brand new to us and makes the noise for Martin Philips everybody. Martin Philips. What's up, how are we doing? Nice, cool. I used to live in roommates, you know, in roommates' head. When you leave the microwave dirty, I was like, hey, I didn't know the answer was going to blow up.

So, it didn't come with instructions. I'm circumcised, but I give out of uncircumcised vibes. So I just had a baby and he said it's like $300. It was just a circumstances to get it. I was like, man, that's crazy. My parents and that's so much money in my penis. I saw future opportunity. And I'm really hoping they're not expecting a return on that. Golden ticket winner.

One of the OG golden ticket winners. Where were we? It was in North Carolina. Where was it? DC. DC original. I lived in DC. I'm from DC. It was in North Carolina. Where was it? DC. DC, original. Well, I lived in DC. I'm from DC. It was in DC. Yeah. And now you just moved here.

I just moved here. We can have her. Fuck yeah. Yeah. Absolutely. Yeah. Yeah, I got that. Well, these steers and squares are from Texas. And I'm not sure which one I have yeah, okay I know I wouldn't trust you steering that's for sure

It is it is it is good that you moved to Texas because you and Texas both leaned to the right. That is true. That is okay. It's okay. It's okay. It's okay. It's okay. It's okay. It's cool.

Martin Phillips. Very exciting. Yeah. So you've been here a week and a half. What do you love about Austin? Well, it's, I don't like that. It's cool. It's cool.

Martin Phillips. Very exciting. Yeah. So you've been here a week and a half, what do you love about Austin? Well, I don't like that, it's hot as fuck. I'm getting used to that. I get a four-in-a-lone apart and I have a roommate for the first time, so I Hell yeah. And I'm ballin' it out, so... Fuck yeah. Yeah, so... Oh my God, the last guy was able-bodied and has it nowhere near as good as you. Isn't that incredible? Yeah.

What you can do. You know, we both have a bell-tharble is this. Don't sound too good, but... At least I get farted and ate a sentence, you know? Absolutely. Absolutely. I can't... Sound too good, but at least I get fortnight a sentence Bars It is incredible you're like if RFK Jr. And Stephen Hawking had a baby. It's an unbelievable. You are. I made it.

I have to compliment it. You know what I'm saying? You're an off-key and just really smart. Okay, so I'll take it. I don't know what the fuck you just said. There you are. That happens a lot. Dude, guys, just tell you I am so glad you were not faking that.

It makes it way better. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. So what else has been going on? You're new in Austin. What have you already seen or done? What's going on? It's been, you know, it's a great kickin' out.

I hear you say you're a good story. I think you'll like it. It's bad, that'll be a theory. That'll be drive to my car. You know, actually drive? Yeah, I think you'll like it. That'll be a steering, that'll be driving my car. You actually drive? Yeah, I love you. Oh my God, if there's anybody I know that should be in a ram van, it's you. Yeah.

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. That was the first time in over ten years that Red Band and I have gone on the soundboard at the same time for those of you that have your Killtony Bingo cards. We've never actually seen time to the soundboard, but that was fun. You brought that out of us. The thought of you tripping was what it took for me us all to be like,

God, it's incredible, dude. Yeah, well, I, I've happened to awe, but I drive out like a door without paying. Okay. We also, okay, how are you doing? Still better, I guarantee that most drivers out here in Texas. At least you all see you in the door knob wheel in the right lane one sometime. And I'm like, thank you Jesus fucking Christ. But I went to downtown. I parked my car. I got I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like me and he goes, Hey, man, I'm a better and just like you. I'm like, what? So thank you for your service.

And then, then he says, he looks at me and he goes, that's her store. And I didn't want to say, and for some reason I just said, I rack. You know who's that? You hear that, you have how many doors? I was like, who counts? Who counts?

So I thought in the old battle of Paulsy. That's still going on. I thought in the old battle of palsy. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's still going on. That battle has outpicked one yet. Yeah. I have a purple heart and a blue placard. Yeah.

Yeah. All right. My goodness. So it has a doorknob. What are your fucking pedals like? Are they just fucking stop signs? What's going on here? I can do the pedals with my fucking out.

I do it regularly. I just need, but yeah, I on here? I can do the bed it was left out and I do it regularly I just need but yeah, I don't have any trouble With the feet part of my body to lay like us, but That would be an accident, so Yeah, both was all my side. It is true. It's hard to get into an accident when you are the accident. Oh, I love it.

Oh, God. Go back. Martin, I absolutely love you. I've always loved you. You won a golden ticket. The first time I ever saw you in Washington, D.C. I could not be more thrilled about how many Golden ticket winners are accumulating, moving here.

All the ones these people that I've watched grow and do this for a long time in your fucking legend. Welcome to Austin, you're exactly where you should be. You have a big joke book already? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's got one. Legend of the game, Golden ticket defender. Secret Joe Thursday?

I'm better, I'm better. Yeah, look at that, he's got another gig. Working in Austin. Have we had fun here tonight, huh? I agree. There's only one way to put a ribbon on an episode like this, ladies and gentlemen. And it is with the man that has the most sets

ever in the show's history, the most interviews in the show's history. An absolute fucking legend of the game, Kilt Tony, Hall of Famer, the Big Red machine, the Memphis Strangler, the vanilla gorilla, the one, the only. William Montgomery everybody. I actually went to a gay wedding for the first time this past weekend and I think the most exciting part was when I started protesting outside the reception with members of my congregation. Now confirmed after months and months of denial, Joe Biden was indeed on business phone calls with Hunter Biden, but they now claim the conversation was about stuff like the weather. Yeah, I guess there is a 100% chance of making it rain. First it was, first it was Joe knew nothing about Hunter's business. Then he knew about it but wasn't involved.

He was involved but only talked about the weather. In six months it'll be, well yes, Joe knew it was crack cocaine, but he only made the stripper butt smoke it for 30 seconds. LAUGHTER Justin Trudeau and his wife are splitting up. Wait, so now she suddenly doesn't like black guys? LAUGHTER How pissed are you people right now? Post Malone is on stage, but he isn't performing. That'd be like going to the strip club with Hunter Biden, but he opts not to impregnate a stripper. Well, well, well, he's done it again, ladies and gentlemen.

The record holder all time, the most prolific force in the history of Keltoni, William Montgomery has arrived. It's so nice to be here earlier tonight, post Malone, you mentioned something about Dude Wipes. I actually am very excited to announce after the episode last week where I was talking about my hemorrhoids and the shit in my butt all the time. I am now the new spokesperson for Dune Why! Mitt Flare, $7,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000, Same contract Scotty Pippin got! That's what I asked for! Same fucking contract Scotty Pippin!

And they gave it to me so it's really nice of him! Sir, we know you in the DudeWipe community. We actually call you the Scotty Pippin of Dude Wipes. We know this. I'm the Scotty Pippin of Dude Wipes. You've heard it here first. I specifically asked the people at Dude Wipes. I was like, I want Scotty Pippin's contract in 96, his contract. What the fuck am I talking about? It's just nice to be up here today. All right. So here we are. Brand new deal. How do you plan on spending some of the millions of dollars? Oh, he's pulling him out one by one. I can smell your fucking asshole right now. Oh, it's a piece of shit

The fuck are you doing sitting on the front road dude? I can smell your blood hole from them all the work This might be one of the most brilliant sponsorships I've ever seen. Yes. William, I'd like to ask a question about Dude Wipes. What about hard to reach nuggets when I'm on a cross-country flight? That's a funny question. Dude Wipes aren't going to fucking help you, Kurt. I mean, what are you, you need something else,

you need to shave down there. I started shaving my butt all last week. I was able to get around the hemorrhoid. It's now the size of a pretty large grape. It got bigger again. It got down to the size of a small grape. It's back up to like a medium sized grape, but yeah, I totally recommend Kurt.

Just shave down there. Just get a hemorrhoid too, dude. I thought we were gonna bond over that. Is that a fucking threat, you piece of shit? What the fuck? No. I got hemorrhage too, dude. I thought we were gonna bond over that. Is that a fucking threat, you piece of shit? What the fuck? No, I thought- Pfft! I thought you'd care about dude wipes.

I thought there was a product that can help me. I see I was mistaken. Okay, uh. Ha-ha-ha. So you say dude wipes won't help him, right? After you just signed a $7,000,000,000 contract, your answer was dude wipes can't help you with after you just signed a seven year 40 million dollar contract. Your answer was, dude wipes can't help you with a hard to reach nugget on a long flight. Yeah, they're not built for that. They're built for other things. I mean, you want, uh, there's this new

other new product. What the fuck am I talking about? Post Malone, I have to say, I know you are involved with, uh, the chicken place, um, raising canes, is there any way, would you ever think, do you need a new spokesperson for Raising Canes? I mean, I'm on the fucking brow to be a spokesperson of these different places. Maybe you'll think about it or. I'll tell you what, me and Todd,

I'll take a look at it and we'll, do you have a resume or something like this? Yeah, hold on, Todd's gonna be there? Yeah. He's my boss. Okay, okay. Yeah, no, I have a resume I can totally shoot up. And also, I wanted to say, he's not in the lab,

so he's just the face. He has no say over how the product is being... It's like the George Foreman Grill. Like, yeah. Like, this is your grill, George Foreman. So can you give us like a little pitch away you're raising canes vision is William? Okay, yeah, just do it straight to camera Welcome to raising canes my name is William Montgomery and if you're hungry, I got something for you. It's called a cany-axe combo

If you're hungry, I got something for you. It's called a cany-axe combo. It comes with a 32 ounce drink. You get six pieces of chicken, two sides of frost, maybe piece of bread, maybe some other stuff. But if you're hungry, get that cany-axe combo. I'm going to be there while I'm gonna be there with Post Malone. You know we love eating KDS combos together. And we'll do the combo and each combo that we do together comes with the Pag of Dude wipes. Yeah. Come to the Pag of Dude wipes. Yeah.

32 out of Sprite, and it's on Dude Wies. Show yo ass ho. Oh. But it doesn't help with Dingo Beary's. Kurt, why would you fucking bring that up? Can I tell you something? Are you talking about the look, Pat? No, I don't believe you even have a sponsorship,

but Dude Wies. Oh, that is. So first I find out Lizzo Fatchains, and now you hemorrhoid chain. Mm-mm. I don't give a fuck any more, Kurt. I swear to God, I've had this thing in my butt hole. It's the size of like a large grape right now

for about two months. Yeah, I'm not fucking weak red asshole here, dude. Red els, I got dark Italian idiot! Wait, I think he's turning into the werewolf. I think it's happening right now. The full moon is out right now. What time is it? Oh!

William, what else is going on in life before we let you go? What the fuck else? Dude, why, seven years, 40 million. Seven years. You're about to go on the road. The brand new William on Gumrie shirt is out right now. Yeah, very excited about that. Seven years ago. Seven years ago. Seven years ago. Seven years ago. Seven years ago. Seven years ago.

Seven years ago. Seven years ago. Seven years ago. Seven years ago. Seven years ago. Seven years ago. Seven years ago. Seven years ago.

Seven years ago. Seven years ago. Seven years ago. Seven years ago. Seven years ago. Seven years ago. Seven years ago. Seven years ago.

Seven years ago. Seven years ago. Seven years ago. Seven years ago. Seven years ago. Seven years ago. Seven years ago. Seven years ago. Seven years ago. Seven years ago. Seven years ago. Seven years ago. Seven years ago. Seven years ago. Seven years ago. Seven years ago. Seven years ago. Seven years ago. Seven years ago. Seven years ago. Seven years ago. Seven years ago. Seven years ago. Seven years ago. Seven years ago. Seven years ago. Seven years ago. Seven years ago. Seven years ago. Seven years ago. Seven years ago. Seven years ago. Seven years ago. Seven years ago. Seven years ago. Seven years ago. Seven years ago. Seven years ago. Seven years ago. Seven years ago. Seven years ago. Seven years. Seven years ago. just kind of about the demographics of people in Seattle, but there's a lot of homeless people. I was able to bag four homeless people in the span of 48 hours in Seattle. I mean, it was a fucking blood bath. It got so, how did you kill these people? How did you kill the innocent homeless people? I had a knife. I've been traveling a lot.

TSA doesn't find a knife. I have these cowboy boots I've been wearing that have a knife area in them. It's a hidden knife. So I'm able to get through TSA through that fucking. But yeah, I got through TSA with the knife and just started. It was a blood bath in Seattle. Seattle blood bath in 2023. You know, I don't know if you know this, but Ron White was up here earlier with a sweet little dog. I know, I saw it and it reminded me of my sweet little dog is four pounds. I took her to the vet last week. She's now four pounds and I kiss her tummy.

Why are you dancing like that? You fucking idiot. I got a sweet little dog a couple months ago. A couple months ago. Ladies and gentlemen, Hall of Famer, the legend, the big red machine, William Montgomery. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Then guys, we fucking did it. Thank you. How about a hand for the band one more time? Shell Blaster, Red Rose, Yellow Rose, Hall Firm,

Kinect Mobile Health, Price Fix, Screwball, Peanut Butter Whiskey, Kill Merch. How about one more time for Post Malone? Joe Rogan, Kurt Mechster. We fucking did it again. Thank you guys so much. We love you everybody. Love you! Here. I'm not gonna lie 1 nd 2 nd 2 nd 2 nd 2 nd 2 nd 2 nd 2 nd 2 nd 2 nd 2 nd 2 nd 2 nd 2 nd 2 nd 2 nd 2 nd 2 nd 2 nd 2 nd 2 nd 2 nd 2 nd 2 nd 2 nd 2 nd 2 nd 2 nd 2 nd 2 nd 2 nd 2 nd 2 nd 2 nd 2 nd 2 nd 2 nd 2 nd 2 nd 2 nd 2 nd 2 nd 2 nd 2 nd 2 nd 2 nd 2 nd 2 nd 2 nd 2 nd 2 nd 2 nd 2 nd 2 nd 2 nd 2 nd 2 nd 2 nd 2 nd 2 nd 2 nd 2 nd 2 nd 2 nd 2 nd 2 nd 2 nd 2 nd 2 nd 2 nd 2 nd 2 nd 2 nd 2 nd 2 nd 2 nd 2 nd 2 nd 2 nd 2 nd 2 nd 2 nd 2 nd 2 nd 2 nd 2 nd 2 nd 2 nd 2 nd 2 nd 2 nd 2 nd 2 nd 2 nd 2 nd 2 nd 2 nd 2 nd 2 nd 2 nd 2 nd 2 nd 2 nd 2 nd 2 nd 2 nd 2 nd 2 nd 2 nd 2 nd 2 nd 2 nd 2 nd 2 nd 2 nd 2 nd 2 nd 2 nd 2 nd 2 nd 2 nd 2 nd 2 nd 2 nd 2 nd 2 nd 2 nd 2 nd 2 nd 2 nd 2 nd 2 nd 2 nd 2 nd 2 nd 2 nd 2 nd 2 nd 2 nd 2 nd 2 nd 2 nd 2 nd 2 nd 2 nd 2 nd 2 nd 2 nd I'm gonna go home. I'm gonna go home. I'm gonna go home. I'm gonna go home.

I'm gonna go home. I'm gonna go home. I'm gonna go home. I'm gonna go home. I'm gonna go home. I'm gonna go home. I'm gonna go home. I'm gonna go home.

I'm gonna go home. I'm gonna gonna let you in, I'm gonna let you in ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...

... ... ... ... ... ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch

ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch Thanks for watching! you you