KILL TONY - #626 - JOE DEROSA + DAVID LUCAS

Starting point is 00:00:00 Hey, this is RedBan and you're listening to the Desquad Podcast Network. This episode and every episode of Killtony can be found at Desquad.tv. All are merch can be found for Killtony at Killmerch.com. Tony's on a brand new Tories going all over the place to check out TonyHinchcliff.com for everything GoldenPony. And last but not least, don't forget I have a new comedy club called the Sunset Strip. We have a bi-weekly show with the Killtony Band and the secret show is every single Thursday. Get tickets at SunsetStripATX.com. And

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Starting point is 00:01:04 I'm at the speaker Joanne Davidson Theater and then Kansas City Indianapolis, Philadelphia, Tyson's Virginia, Milwaukee, Minneapolis, Youngstown and Cincinnati. That's all coming soon, TonyHinchcliffe.com for tickets. Oh Hey, this is Redmond, company of life from the comedy mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kale Tony. Get up for Tony, Hitchcla! Yeah! Yeah!

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Starting point is 00:08:55 You guys ready to start tonight's episode? You guys got to do better than that. Pretend like you're visiting from a faraway land. That's right. There you go. Got dammit. Every single week I had two of the funniest comedians in the world on to join the chaos of this show.

Starting point is 00:09:10 This week no different. Two legends of Killtony One, one of the most famous regulars to ever be on the show. Two, one of the best guests. Two of the best comedians in the world. Make some noise for the great David Lucas and Joe DeRosa. Wow. Oh, shit some noise for the great David Lucas in Joe DeRosa. Wow! Oh, shit!

Starting point is 00:09:26 Legends of the game! Kill Tony Royalty! Guest of the Year! 2021, Joe DeRosa! Roast God, David Lucas! We are in it tonight. I know when I've booked the show properly. I like mixing the chemistry of people, and I have been to know for a fact that this is

Starting point is 00:09:54 a perfectly booked episode of Killtony. No matter what I pull out of this bucket tonight, it's going to be fun and fucking chaos. I could be wrong now that I've said that. It's a lot of pressure. David, welcome. David Lucas, everybody. Kill Tony Legend. Retired at the 10-year anniversary. He's not there headlining. Lots of dates coming up. David Lucas. What is it? David Lucas. Funny.com. I think so. I hope so. You don't know your website? Oh, I think it's David Lucas comedy.com. Y'all think so.

Starting point is 00:10:25 Finally just type my name, shit. David's already drunk. Oh, yeah, shit. Thank y'all, man. I'm next to this big head of the ass nigga right here. Wow, that's good, right? Hey, are you? You're headed like a turtle neck, bitch.

Starting point is 00:10:40 You're like, are you excited that the country version of your song Fast Car is doing so well right now? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha So both of you bitches. Ooh, hey, man, it's like that one. It's more like, if you were a bit in front of John F. Kennedy, he's still be alive. Man, you're a... Ha-ha-ha. You got a head on you. That goes for you, too. Wow.

Starting point is 00:11:13 Ha-ha-ha. Ha-ha-ha. Ha-ha-ha. This is just a glimpse of the type of fun we're gonna have tonight. This bucket is filled with hopefuls and names. Some of them, elderly, some young, some new, some old, some have been on, some have never done stand up

Starting point is 00:11:29 before, some are brilliant, some are homeless, and a candy cap, anything can happen. If I pull their name out of the bucket, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted to do stand up comedy. You know their time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then, or they'll say bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which just cuts them off.

Starting point is 00:11:49 And that's it. Other than that, everything goes. You guys ready to start tonight's show? Well, I'm going to three pull in names so we can get them from the bar next store, because in the meanwhile, we have some very, very important business. I don't know. How many of you guys are fans of the show. So sometimes legend Hans Kim, who became a regular two years ago, has somewhat of a rough set.

Starting point is 00:12:18 So we challenge him sometimes week after week after week to defend his spot as a regular. So he does a minute and then someone else good that we've learned about recently does a minute and the other person could become the new regular. Literally, they could take Hans's spot at any given point. Tonight, you're very lucky. This is one of those nights ladies and gentlemen. So, your first seven-night legend of Kiltzone, one of the greatest regulars of all time,

Starting point is 00:12:50 international touring act, selling out everywhere. Literally, I think it's a night at Sony Hall coming up in New York City, makes some noise for Hans Kim everybody. 60 seconds uninterrupted from our camp. Thank you. As you can tell by my confidence, I'm dating a white woman. It's pretty impressive for me. It's like one of you guys getting into Harvard.

Starting point is 00:13:20 I love being in a relationship because now when I have sex I feel like I deserve it. No one's entitled to sex, but if you yell at me on the phone for two hours, I'm going to stick my dick in something. I love how Gen Z are so fucked up nowadays that they won't even watch porn unless you call it an unboxing video. I had to convince them my dick was a vape. Yeah, it's Oriental Passion Fruit. mental passion fruit. I don't know why they call it racial slurs, because I enunciate.

Starting point is 00:14:07 Thank you. Hans Kim, yet again, proving that he does a lot better when his job is on the line. I've been really stressed out, Tony. I grew a stress pimple on my chin. Ah, okay. So I might start a union for the regulars so that we don't have to get challenged. Well, none of the other regulars are getting challenged. I don't think they'll join the union.

Starting point is 00:14:37 Couple are mentally challenged, but not challenged. So how'd you prepare for this this week? Why do you, what's your process to have a better minute every time your job is on the line compared to last week when you struggled in front of Post Malone and Joe Rogan? Probably like stressing out and just hating myself and reading internet comments and then writing based on hate. Wow There you go. The life of a comedian. People wonder why we all kill ourselves.

Starting point is 00:15:08 There's a little insight. What else has happened this week with you? How's the white girlfriend doing? The white is doing great. The white. The old. Great white. I accidentally got her sunburned in LA. The old great white.

Starting point is 00:15:25 I accidentally got her sunburned in LA. I had to spread aloe vera on her. She's great. I'm kind of worried about her because she turns on the dome light to look at her phone. I think she might be stupid. Oh my. Oh, my goodness. You think she might be stupid. That is so funny.

Starting point is 00:15:55 All right, Hans, you feel good about it? Yes. OK, but the mic in the mic stand. We're going to tell you guys have anything for Hans and you know anything. Man, yeah, one thing I love about Hans is when the pressure is on, bitch, you show up, nigga. Thank you, Dana.

Starting point is 00:16:10 He was a Chinese diamond. You are made in Korea. You ain't even called him. I'm South Korea. My bad, dawg. I don't know, man. I grew up in the South. I only know white and black, bitch. Anything other than that is Asian. Nega, I grew up in the sound. They got only no white and black, but anything other than that is Asian.

Starting point is 00:16:27 You follow up on that category. You've called him every slur except the correct one. So how Chinese people eyes be? It's like that, right there. You ain't got no fortune cookies at your restaurant? No, we have kimchi. Oh, fuck that. Kimchi cookies.

Starting point is 00:16:50 Kimchi fortunes. I don't know, sorry. Hans gets scared when he looks at my eyes. Sorry. I love it. Hans, great minute. Let's see what happens. Thank you.

Starting point is 00:17:03 Go back there. We're going to have you come back out in just a minute. Oh, yeah, because I didn't mention the audience actually decides who wins. So his opponent tonight doing a new 60 seconds. We met him only once. He just moved here. He performed last week. And we said we want to see you challenge Hans Kim. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Scott Fillmore everybody here he is the second time on Coltony his second minute his second week in Austin Texas come on make some noise for Scott Fillmore everybody let's go

Starting point is 00:17:36 man this is nuts it's crazy man I'm gay you're welcome it's my gift but I've decided it's time for me to start dating chicks again it's mostly, I'm gay, you're welcome, it's my gift. But I've decided it's time for me to start dating chicks again. It's mostly because I'm tired of women feeling safe around me. Don't like it. Yeah, man, I don't know. It's weird, there's so much focus on what divides us as a country. We put our labels on gay, straight, whatever. I don't like that.

Starting point is 00:18:03 I just read that 80% of Americans have depression. Something in common, that's good. Like my gay depression, your straight depression, the only difference is my bite marks go farther down on the shotgun barrel than yours do. I don't know, man. Yeah, it's all we got. Thanks, guys. All right.

Starting point is 00:18:33 Scott Fillmore, 53 seconds in and out. Very fun. How do you feel, Scott? Good. Step up to that microphone that picks up the... This is great. Yeah, you guys are fun Absolutely, so how's your your hair?

Starting point is 00:18:48 Been here for two weeks is that right one week yesterday right one week yesterday So how's Austin Texas been treating you so amazing dude? It's a great shows good people everybody's been really cool and I I want to kill myself every time I walk outside. I hate it Wait, why do you want to kill yourself? Because I'm fat, Tony. Oh, and it's hot. So hot. Right.

Starting point is 00:19:09 It is. It's so hot. It is extra hot for you. David Lucas? If you kill it, if you kill yourself, you're going to need an industrial string rope, nigga, yo ass. You can't kill yourself in a regular rope. That's still a fan coming down, bitch. I'm an Eagle Scout, I'm good with knots, man. I'll be alright, I'll be fine.

Starting point is 00:19:34 You look like an unpaid Chris Farley, yo. I don't know how you, I don't know how you was scared of the microphone. You be sucking dick, don't you? I think I like how he's scared of shit that look like that. Bitch, get your hands out of here. I know you're new to gay culture, but I'm what's called a top, pluggas. How you gonna talk with that belly nigga? You gonna bounce off, bitch. Teach me your secrets. Ha ha ha ha. Teach me your secrets.

Starting point is 00:20:06 You teach me your secrets. How you ever you do it, I'll do it. You try to hit another gay nigga for the back, you gonna bounce it to the ceiling, bitch, all right? That's shit gonna be like a polgo stick. You're just telling me you don't fuck it all then, is what you're saying. I go missionary, that's what fat niggas do.

Starting point is 00:20:22 Ha ha ha. Uh, edge of the bed, nigga. Come on. Yeah, that'll that's a sight to see only shit, but you can But are you have any dude that'll be crazy that'd be nuts. You look like I'll try it out. Let's go. Let's do it. Wow All talk dude all talk I don't know I think you're giving me advice tips. You're not gonna follow through, dude. Come on, man. What the hell? I was talking about women, I don't know.

Starting point is 00:20:49 I think David's about two tequila's away from doing it. Bar tender. We're gonna have a whole new episode of Two Bears, Two Caves. Yeah. All right. All right. All right. All right. Alright. Alright. Alright. Alright. Alright. Hans Kim, get back out here. Make some noise for Hans Kim, everybody. Make some noise for Scott Filmore.

Starting point is 00:21:15 What a way to start tonight's show. And now things will get a little bit crazier. We have a little absentee vote. Look at this guy really taking advantage of the moment right now. What a great time to go pee How exciting he looks like a blink 182 and 9-11 had a baby. I love it. Get in there. Yes. Very cool. You have little tiny middle fingers. Go pee, dude All right, here we go How many of you have Scott Phil more winning tonight and becoming the new regular on Killtony Scott Philmore winning tonight and becoming the new regular on Killtony It's up to you guys how many of you think Hans Kim retains and remains the regular I mean that's just It's not even close folks the motherfucker knows when to turn it on he had more punchlines

Starting point is 00:22:04 In the minute no doubt about it Hans Kim everybody makes the night for Scott film or Having the best week of his life probably one of the last weeks of his life as well Because he's fat he's more Middle-O meets Just a reminder he really tried me Tony would they gave would they can I say gay on him? You can say gay you think the gay is the worst thing you've said so I say gay on her. You can say gay. You think the gay is the worst thing you've said so far? Ha ha ha ha ha. You would say.

Starting point is 00:22:27 Ha ha ha ha ha. He's really trying to be proud of what the hell. I like women, not boys. Did he really just say, did you really just say, can you say gay on this show? Do you know you've probably said gay more than anybody else ever? You've called me a gay everything.

Starting point is 00:22:46 I don't know, but when it's an actual gay person up here, you know, they take that shit different. Yeah. The niggas be united like 300 bitch. They be out here. I don't know if you can call them n words. Oh, yeah, they might like this, man. They don't like the identifiers what they is. So they might like being called in work.

Starting point is 00:23:05 Chauda Rosa. This is, I just want to see how far he can dig with this. This is wild. Anything can happen. Chauda Rosa, your forehead identify as a woman. You're up, damn it. Your forehead ain't got a BBL bitch on us. Your forehead took a trip to Brazil for a BBL, they can't.

Starting point is 00:23:26 Hold this for a second. What is that, bitch? That's a regular size book. You fat fuck. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft.

Starting point is 00:23:41 Pfft. If you had butter niggas, you can want a prison for life bitch. Oh shit. Alright you guys save it we got all night. We got all night. Hans how do you feel? You did it again. How many wins is this?

Starting point is 00:23:57 You defended your throne. How many times? I'm 5 and 0. I defeated a gay, a Mexican, a woman, two retards. Unbelievable. Unbelievable. I'm one trans person from an infinity stone. Hans Kim, you're a fucking legend.

Starting point is 00:24:20 No better way to get the show started than with you. He's all over the world now. It's a global act. That was Hans Kim. All right, now I pulled a name out of the bucket. Now for those of you that don't know, this could be anybody, anything. We know those two people.

Starting point is 00:24:35 We knew that was gonna be good. This is where Shikit's crazy. They only get 60 seconds, and then we talk to them afterwards. Make some noise to your first bucket pull of the night, Nathan McColley, everybody. Nathan McColley. but I'm turning nine next year, so I'm always acting my age. And the whole thing is, it actually goes into my adult life, you know. And I'm not trying to brag, it's more of a disclaimer to you ladies.

Starting point is 00:25:11 But when you, especially when you, I'm not doing well with them, but when you go down and all of a sudden, you hear, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, she usually has the same response. So I have to put in more work and everything.

Starting point is 00:25:25 But, you know, I can't help but thinking, stand up comedy is the same as the one night stand. I don't want to be the only one putting in all this work and you just lay in there like a dead fish. And so, you got to think, what else can you do, right, to help improve? And I get stuck right there, and I really don't know. And that's why I don't get a call back in the morning, and I'm not going to be back here in the morning. But at least it was fun tonight, right? Woo! Woo! Woo! Fun for you, maybe.

Starting point is 00:26:07 Woo! Nathan, did you sign up for the show or are you here like fixing the air conditioner or something right now? I feel like the way that act when and the way you're dressed, I feel like you're literally like, wait, I think if I just go out there, I could fucking make it right now.

Starting point is 00:26:23 Woo! Okay. There's something I need to vent if you know what I mean, enough with these air conditioners. I've got 60 seconds in me. In my defense, okay. I got here and I was freaking out because I thought I was gonna be late,

Starting point is 00:26:38 so I came, like, I literally have power tools in my work truck, so I had, I was just moved here like two weeks ago. And so I was over here by Austin, like Gainesville or whatever. And I had to drive all the way up to Troy to come all the way back down here. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:26:57 Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He didn't. I got it.

Starting point is 00:27:05 He did. Joe DeRosa. He didn't even have the time to watch the comeoff is shared after he whacked off. Oh, shit. It is a bunch of cock. Do you have power to a gun? Are you crying?

Starting point is 00:27:15 What? Are you crying? No, I'm high as hell, man. And I have ADHD, so I like try to smoke a lot of weed to call myself down because yeah Yeah, I look like a newborn frecifibord, oh bitch Get your black licorice brains out of here. Oh shit actual racism ladies and gentlemen things just got very exciting Holy shit. Oh

Starting point is 00:27:43 Shit your favorite sentences get under that sofa nigga Wait, what? Because he'd be lifting the sofas. He weren't going to move in company. Actually, I did pescatron to move apartments and all sorts of stuff to do bedbuck jobs and shit. Me and this big Samoan dude. I could tell.

Starting point is 00:27:58 Yeah. Big boy jobs. So I'm so confused, Nathan. Do you live here? What's going on? I just moved from Seattle, Washington I was actually here May 6 when you saw me in the corner You're like, where are you from? I was like, see I washed in your

Starting point is 00:28:11 I do this all the time. What the fuck are you talking about? You're like, do you remember me? No, I didn't I leave an impression on you from the audience. All right Nathan. Let's talk about it What what do you do for fun? Like what makes you you when you're not out there controlling the pests? No, I do construction right now. I just like just moved here in two weeks ago. And so, friend got me a job and I'm like, oh, well, you know what you're doing.

Starting point is 00:28:35 And I'm like, yeah, I can function as adult, but I can't really act like an adult. But so it's kind of good. Jesus Christ, man. What do you do when you're not working? What are you into? Nothing, I just watched TV. What type of posters do you have on your walls in your studio apartment?

Starting point is 00:28:51 Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. I literally just show in my room, watch TV, and just, yeah, go to work. Joe DeRosa, I don't mean this to be rude. I didn't understand a word you were saying. I literally didn't understand one joke.

Starting point is 00:29:09 What was the first joke? It was something about how you're actually nine? Yeah, born February 29, 1988. I was a leap year joke. I was trying to do a clean joke and then like... You know, leap year material always kills. clean joke and then like you know leap your material always kills And how do you want to do a clean joke with dirty clothes? Okay, so Nathan what's your love life like?

Starting point is 00:29:45 Well, it was great up in Seattle and everything and tell tell us about it. Why was it great up in Seattle? What was going on in Seattle? Just Why I mean I'm plenty of girls talk to and hanging out and having fun. Where do you meet these girls? What where exactly do you meet and rape these women exactly? I knew we not said a train station a parking lot Where do you meet your victims or is you calling? a parking lot, where do you meet your victims? Or is you calling? Straight out in public. Love interest.

Starting point is 00:30:06 You know, an Allison-Chain show, Seattle type shit. Yeah. Okay, so let's talk about it, Nathan. What's your opening line when you go up to flirt with a girl? What do you say? Okay. You're there. You're at a Nirvana concert in Seattle, because that's totally still a thing.

Starting point is 00:30:28 So Nirvana is playing, okay, go up. You hear the muffled sound, that's because you're on the other side of the bar right now. Go ahead. Look David right in the eyes and say to him what you would say to a beautiful girl. Pretend like we're not here. Whoa, Jesus. Straight for the raping. I thought you were wanting to, you told me to, I was acting. Avri, Avri, Avri, Avri, shut the fuck up. What would you say to the girl?

Starting point is 00:30:51 Go ahead. Hey, my name is Jason McCall. What's your name? Oh, Felicia. Felicia. Where'd you get that name from? My mama. Oh, she's already getting mad.

Starting point is 00:31:04 That boy's got deep Felicia. You don't know where the roots came from your name from? Not really. You have to bring up roots like that. What the fuck is going on? Alright, I'm putting it into this date. Okay. He can't even fucking bitch unless he put a paint in over her nose. That's the only time you've ever used the word thinner, David. Nathan, end your entire life.

Starting point is 00:31:33 Everything that you've ever done, non-comedy, just in life. What do you think the most interesting thing is about you? You've listened to the show before, right? All the time. Actually had a whole lot of fun. So you know how the interviews work? Yeah. So like, what about you?

Starting point is 00:31:50 This is your time. You're in it right now. That show that you watch, you're in it. Yeah, I know. I'm freaking the fuck out of it. I love it. But those of you just listening to the show, his eyes are so red and he looks like he's literally

Starting point is 00:32:02 working right now. And like, he just got caught being high on the job. I used to smoke 28 grams a day just to function. Yeah, dude, it's bad. You have no fucking clue. Talk about it. Yeah, we have a pretty good fucking clue. Yeah, we actually do.

Starting point is 00:32:19 We have somewhat of an idea, believe it or not. All right, Nathan. Well, here's a little joke book. Congratulations. You tried your best. There he goes. Nathan McCalley, everybody. I didn't really ask him anything about his standup,

Starting point is 00:32:33 but he gives a shit. OK, you guys having fun out here, huh? Yeah. Pulled another name out of the bucket. Makes noise for your next comedian. Out of the bucket. It's Matt Reves everybody. What the fuck is up?

Starting point is 00:32:52 How's everybody doing man? How's everybody's year going good? Mine's going alright man, I was gay for a few weeks. Hey bro, that's where the God. It's not my fault though, I swear. I was baited, you know? My girlfriend got me a bidet for Christmas. So I'm saying, bro, fuck my whole life up, dawg.

Starting point is 00:33:14 You know what I'm saying? I'd be lying to her and be like, hey, I'm gonna go take a shower quick. I'm next, you know, I'm smoking a blunder bidet. 45 minutes later. It's going through Facebook and shit. I used to be just like y'all though, you know what I mean? Real old school. Just like y'all, swear.

Starting point is 00:33:36 Real regular. He used to be face down and ass up in the shower and I got my dingo berries out. Real low school, you know. Close thing you know, used to know to be dead was taking a little shower head off the mount. Y'all know that shower head ladies. Don't act like you don't.

Starting point is 00:33:49 Take that bitch off the mount, put the, yeah, lady. Put that bitch on the jet mode, go crazy. Woo! It was bad though, man. I got carried away. Next thing I got shampoo bought up my ass and shit. I'm like, what am I doing? Thank God for posting that clarity.

Starting point is 00:34:03 You know what I'm saying? Nope. That's a bad idea. There he is. He was hitting the cat right then, if you're wondering why interrupted a set of things. He said it's time I've heard. It works.

Starting point is 00:34:16 Or hitting the, not the cat, the bear. Hello. How you doing? How's it going? Pretty good, man. How long you been doing stand up? About a year and a half. All of it here in Austin? Yes, sir. Boner race here. Ah, lovely Pretty good, man. How long you been to in stand-up? About a year and a half. All of it here in Austin?

Starting point is 00:34:26 Yes, sir. Boner-rays here. Ah, lovely. Yes, sir. Lovely. Absolutely. Is this true? Everything that you talked about, do you have a bidet now?

Starting point is 00:34:34 A bidet? No, actually, I found one in a... It was like a weird. It was like a fucking QT. Yeah, it was like an Indian QT. A quick trip? You found a bidet in a gas station? Yes. Yes, it was weird. But it, a quick trip. You found a bidet and a gas station? Yes.

Starting point is 00:34:46 Yes, it was weird. But it was a West Texas gas station. You know, a West Texas being. You go to West Texas, who knows what you might find. Of course, we all know how West Texas be. What part of Austin are you from? And to where you talk like that, you have that vernacular. I was born here.

Starting point is 00:35:03 I was raised in Flugafil. I was brought. Oh, OK. Uh, I was born here. I was raised in Flugerville. I was brought. Oh, okay. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. The dark prints of Flugerville, Brian Redbann. You can catch him late at night and drive throughs all over the city. Oh, my God.

Starting point is 00:35:16 In and out. No lines. No lines at the in and out in Flugerville. It's amazing what a 35 minute drive will do to your wait times. You're in and it takes a while and then you're out. Okay, let's talk about it, Matt Revis. You've been doing comedy for a year and a half all of it here in Austin.

Starting point is 00:35:37 What do you do for work? You know, typical Uber driver. You might do a Uber here and there in my cell phone. Who knows? Who knows? No questions asked. I'm like a military in the 90s and 80s and 70s and 80s and forever.

Starting point is 00:35:50 What the fuck? Don't ask, don't tell. Goddamn it. OK, that was like a leapier joke. You see that? And don't ask, don't tell joke. We've had a don't ask, don't tell, and a leapier joke. For those of you with a bad joke, bingo cards out there, bad premise bingo cards. Hey, hey't tell, an leapier joke for those of you with a bad joke bingo cards out there.

Starting point is 00:36:05 Bad premise bingo cards. Hey, hey, oh, winner. We all make some money. Given the, we'll never hurt that sound before. That's a good one. I know what he ought to do. I don't think this is healthy for comedians to do this show. The nerves of many after the last two guys.

Starting point is 00:36:26 They're trembling, dude. You all right? I'm good, bro. I just took a little mushroom as my bad. I'm micro-disk. Oh, OK. That's how I started. Yeah, exactly.

Starting point is 00:36:34 How dare you insult me? We are making a version of you. Right? This is Mexican roses. We all start with raping like these. Stepping on great jokes. Do you know that? While you ramble over there?

Starting point is 00:36:46 The end. Okay. Go ahead, buddy. Well, I'm gonna say. Take a breath. You're gonna pick on your Mexican brother, plant the roses? You're a f-

Starting point is 00:36:57 I didn't get that until right now. I know, because he was fucking yippity-yapping about driving a fucking Uber. That was very good. And also, I want to compliment you on the drive-through line about Red Band. That was very good, too. Thank you so much.

Starting point is 00:37:10 You shouldn't take mushrooms before you go on stage. I know you're young. Don't fucking back talk, man. I'm trying to tell you something. I'm trying to give you advice. You fucking kids think, because there's just a spectrum of every five feet that is normal to live like that. It's not, dude. you're fucking weird bro. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, How old are you? 23. 23 years old. You have any plans other than driving Uber?

Starting point is 00:38:06 You're just waiting for the stand-up thing to take off or what? Uh, I mean, honestly, I tried school. I was in school for a long time. Where were you studying? I was a business administration major. What did you learn there? What's like one cool thing that you learned in college? One cool thing I learned.

Starting point is 00:38:20 I learned... Yeah. I learned not to trust people. That's what I learned. Yeah, dude. Yeah, yeah. That's what I learned, I learned, yeah. I learned not to trust people. That's what I learned, yeah, dude. Yeah, yeah, that's what I learned. Because you go to college, they tell you to do all these things. And it gets you nowhere unless you know the right people. And the people I'm eating in college

Starting point is 00:38:34 are fucking hippies and drunks. You're on mushrooms. LAUGHTER What do you think's the most interesting thing about you, Matt Revis? Um, it's not gonna ace the L3 days in a row. What do you think's the most interesting thing about you Matt Rivas? It's not gonna ACL three days in a row. That's my favorite thing about me. Yeah. Oh wow Music festival. Yeah, no, we know Who did you see when you snuck in?

Starting point is 00:39:04 First person I saw I saw Miley Cyrus. Dude, you do know how to do mushrooms the right way, man. Fucking sticking into my face. First person. I saw Red Hot Chili papers later. It was a great time. Okay. It was a great time. Made it up for it. Really, even with them playing, it was still a great time. No, no, the lights. The lights made it up for it.

Starting point is 00:39:18 The lights. Yeah. I was at that show, tremendously disappointing. Before I let you go, I'm going to, I'm going to ask you again, what is this bidet like that you got from a gas station? I kind of went off top faster than I showed. What is like, it's, it's third world. Is it real? It's one of those ones you see.

Starting point is 00:39:34 Are you making a joke or is it real? No, it's real. I've done a bidet. It's one of those ones you snap onto your toilet. You know, it's like 40 bucks. It's a cheap one. It needs to be a sponsor. You wish listen on Amazon, you get in today.

Starting point is 00:39:48 You know. David, do you have a bidet or do you use a fire extinguisher? Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Starting point is 00:39:58 Oh! Tell me, do you use a super-socubic, this show? Mr. Lucas, this is our top bidet. Or, can we show you to this whale? Y'all think it's all in the night. Y'all ain't motherfucking... Tiger Woods, come on stage and change y'all up. What are you, black and Mexican?

Starting point is 00:40:21 Close, man, hell no. Mexican and Japanese, just a little bit. Picky's worth the Japanese. Wow. Why are you talking and Mexican? Close man, hell no. Mexican and Japanese, just a little bit. Piqui's worth the Japanese. Wow, Mexican. Why are you talking like a black person? Because that's where they put all the black people and Mexican people in Flugerville.

Starting point is 00:40:33 That's why. Everybody with the school is my color. That's why. It's true, actually. Mexican dad, Japanese mom? No, actually the Japanese, or both Mexican, but the Japanese was like fucking four generations down. It's one guy, he fucking broke the seal. I don't know.

Starting point is 00:40:50 Jesus Christ. Alright Matt, here you go. Here's a little joke, but can you catch? Boom, Matt Revis, everybody. There he goes. On to the next one. Yep. You know what? I think we need a little fucking, little shot of adrenaline adrenaline in this show It's time to go to one of our regulars everybody one of our favorite new regulars perhaps of all time I mean just an absolute fucking legend make some noise for him only two months as a Killtony regular and he's already blowing up selling out shows everywhere

Starting point is 00:41:22 Make some noise for the great camp Patterson, everybody. And Houston is. [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ Oh yeah! Yeah, shut up, bitch. I got a talk now. Oh. My favorite, my favorite social media app is Twitter.

Starting point is 00:41:40 I know they change their shit to the X, but go wait, I wrote this shit when it was Twitter. Now. It's such a me that is Twitter, I know they changed that shit to the X, but go wait and I wrote this shit when it was Twitter. Now, I like Twitter because that's one of the pleasures if you would like the bait over their political beliefs and like scroll down and live in and see like a girl stuff a butt plug in her ass. That's how I find out about all my news and shit, you understand? And that's how I find out about the rest of you crazing situation. Like, I didn't know what was going on.

Starting point is 00:42:07 I was like, oh, it's crazy. And I scored, I was like, I said, I'm gonna get another one. Two scrolls later. That's the real scene, you know what I like porn? But you can make any type of name you want for a porn. I seen the point up there, it was a point of cause. It was a white girl, gets gang banged

Starting point is 00:42:22 by Well-Hung Nigger's part three. LAUGHTER LAUGHTER And I had to watch it. LAUGHTER Because The White Girls Getting Game Back Well-Hung Nigger's part one was so good, they made two more. LAUGHTER At my time. Can Motherfucking Patterson?

Starting point is 00:42:42 Doing it again. Another new minute. Working beats. How's it going, my friend? Good man, shit far, man. What? Shit far, shit, shit far. I'll translate everything he says. I'll translate everything he says.

Starting point is 00:42:53 Tony, he said the show is good. He loves the audience. His experience on Kill Tony is very amazing. Yeah. I got it. You ready? Ready, catch. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:43:05 I got you, Tony, whatever. It makes sense. Let me be Cam trans, but I got you. It makes sense. It makes sense. Let me be Cam trans, but I got you. It makes sense. It makes sense. It makes sense.

Starting point is 00:43:13 It makes sense. It makes sense. It makes sense. It makes sense. It makes sense. It makes sense. It makes sense. It makes sense.

Starting point is 00:43:21 It makes sense. It makes sense. It makes sense. It makes sense. It makes sense. It makes sense. It makes sense. It makes sense. It makes sense. It makes sense. It makes sense. It makes sense. It makes sense. It makes sense. It makes sense. It makes sense. It makes sense. It makes sense. It makes sense. It makes sense. It makes sense. It makes sense. It makes sense. It makes sense. It makes sense. It makes sense. It makes sense. It makes sense. It makes sense. It makes sense. It makes sense. It makes sense. It makes sense. It makes sense. It makes sense. It makes sense. It makes sense. It makes sense. It makes sense. It makes. It makes sense. It makes sense. It makes sense. It makes sense. It makes sense. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Now I know. Hey yo. Hey yo. He's very excited. Every hell yeah means he's very excited. Hey yeah.

Starting point is 00:43:53 It's not a hell yeah, it's an hell yeah. Hell yeah. Hell yeah. Hell yeah. So, hell yeah means they're very excited. You gotta say it fast. Hell yeah. Baby.

Starting point is 00:44:03 Hell yeah. Hell yeah. Hey, got it. Say it, white man, say it fast. Elia. David. Elia. Elia. Yeah. Talk to her. Hey, got it. Say it, white man, say it. That was wrong. That's it.

Starting point is 00:44:12 Wrong. You look sad and she even killed me. That nigga, boy. Camp Patterson going this weekend to two of the biggest I do believe venues you've ever performed in in your life. You're doing opening for me and a theater in San Antonio. And then the world famous Chicago theater in Chicago. Yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 00:44:35 This is where your life is now. Only a few months after moving to Austin, from Orlando, Florida. How does it feel knowing that you're going into a weekend like this? Man, that shit. Crazy. I'd be like, I'd be thinking about like, man, this shit is insane, bro. So every time he takes a body, he can't really believe

Starting point is 00:44:51 that what's happening is actually going on. It's actually unbelievable. It's unfathomable. I like that. Where else is good work? What? A foulable. That's the art.

Starting point is 00:45:02 I think. A foulable. What was that? A foulable. Oh, fat one, bobo bobo. That's the art, nigga. Oh, fat one, bobo bobo. What was that? Oh, fat one, bobo bobo. Yeah, yeah. I'm fat, that bobo, that bobo. I'm fat, bobo bobo bobo. I'm fat, that bobo.

Starting point is 00:45:14 I love it. Cam, what else is going on? What else is news? Actually, me and Cam, like a lot of people don't know, and on the internet, they try to like put niggas against each other You know what I'm saying but me and camera actually brothers like in the comedy industry. We're actually brothers I mentor him you know what I'm saying. I try to which one's the big one That doesn't make any sense.

Starting point is 00:45:45 Me and Kance went a lot of time together, man. And you know, I just try to get him advice on where I think I went wrong when I was his age and comedy. And we went to go see Postman-Arb diet. Hello, man. Hey, Kance, no men diet. Don't start twerking around me. Yeah, it's all about talking about who's opportunity. He knows how to talk real good, like Megan Astaglia.

Starting point is 00:46:13 Showed the Rosa. I was going to do some of David's advice. Oh, oh, yeah. It's probably not going to be funny now. Now it's definitely not going to be funny. No, I was going to say his advice was, the Mick Rib. They're gonna say it's not coming back. It is.

Starting point is 00:46:32 Take your time. You don't have to eat the ball. So do you want to get your $5 foot long head as somebody's what? Hell yeah! Hell yeah, talk to a total of $5 foot long ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, nigga. It is happening. I don't know if you guys saw the post today, but the new Cam Patterson White Tea is out with the small red kiltony tag at the very, very bottom. And each shirt comes with a free rock. Hey, look, I got some of that.

Starting point is 00:47:36 So what's a pink rock, too? What? Mine's our mine's our maidies. Oh, shit. Is that one of David's kidney stones? Look at that shit. Hey, look. Hey. Hey. Hey look! Hey! Hey!

Starting point is 00:47:46 Ah! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha That bitch should be the saddest Tony on 30 seconds, nigga. Tony merch is seat cupboards for the toilet nigga. If you want to feel like me guys get this seat cover Well, fuck I see hiding in the niggas. Okay. All right Cam what else oh, I got these slide the game by the slide, by the side me. Oh, shit. I got a game by the slide. I said, talk, talk.

Starting point is 00:48:48 You don't talk my white nigga, talk to me. You get on, talk my, yeah, yeah, he get it. Game byland slides are for sale if you want to purchase them. Cam, another amazing performance. Thank you so much, as always. As always, there is the shooting star, Cam Patterson. An absolute fucking wild, likeable meteor of success. Thank you.

Starting point is 00:49:15 The man. One more time for Cam Patterson, everybody. Come on. He's so funny. He's so funny. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Pulled another name out of the bucket. Makes the noise for Seth Chappas, everybody. We're gonna meet them all together.

Starting point is 00:49:29 Seth Chappas. Come on, makes the noise for Seth, everybody. These people wait all night for this opportunity. Thank you. Thank you, everybody. Thank you. I would first like to say that it is my birthday today. It really is everybody. 17 years old, thank you very much. Okay, 29, but I know I look young. Anyways, I celebrated accordingly and broke his fuck right now, so in the morning, I opened a kind of chef's priority. Some people, they want to find their things in life. I'm good with a kind of chef's priority and some nightquill, to wake up in the morning.

Starting point is 00:50:16 Really gets me going. I want to see the hat man before noon, you know? Let's just have a go. Flip on the Google, look up an episode of I Carly, fully clothed. Got to remember that part. That 70 show, that 70 show show fully closed. Okay. Hoogie! Seth Chavez. Chavez Chavez, how do you say it? It's up to artistic and personal, whatever.

Starting point is 00:50:55 How do you say it? Seth Chavez. Okay. How old are you in real life? I am 29. Today. thank you. I don't believe you. I am, man.

Starting point is 00:51:09 I know. I know. Are you on mushrooms also? I'm on an undisclosed amount of something. Seth, why did you change your name from Nathan for you? OK, OK. that's it. All right, Seth, how long have you been doing stand-up comedy? I've been doing it now, obviously, like 10 years.

Starting point is 00:51:33 You're like, you're just, you're cute. I'm asking you a real question. How long have you been doing it? I've been off and on. You have an answer to single question. That's one of the most annoying things people can do on this show Is it 10 years 10 years when did you start where'd you start El Paso?

Starting point is 00:51:51 What what year oh what you I don't know 10 years ago, okay? All right, Seth. I'm gonna try a little bit longer with you here Seth You with me you're on a podcast right now, Seth. Oh, yeah Seth, you with me? You're on a podcast right now, Seth. Yeah. Yeah. Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, It's a real show, Seth.

Starting point is 00:52:08 We got a fucking do some stuff here. Joe DeRosa. Seth, when your son Marty McFly traveled back in time. Okay. Seth, what do you do for a living? I'm a barista. Where are you of barista? Hideout coffee shop downtown.

Starting point is 00:52:27 29-year-old barista. What is your exit strategy? Oh, I kind of just plan on doing my thing, and then I plan on being on Killtony, and then... What did you think was gonna happen here? Thought somebody would love me. Okay. All right.

Starting point is 00:52:48 What's your love life like, Seth? When you're not looking through the binoculars of women's beches? I have what I call disability check pussy. It comes about once a month, you know, like, and it uh, what? What? What? Is that so wrong? You know what's interesting about the show?

Starting point is 00:53:14 A guy will come on stage and you'll start to feel bad for him because he's got a challenging life and then he will say something so horrific. Yeah. Like disability check-pussy. And all your sympathy goes out the window. Right, it's incredible. You're so cocky. Can we cut that out?

Starting point is 00:53:32 Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh. All right. Okay, Seth, before I let you go, because you are one of the worst interviews in the history of the show, can you give us anything interesting about you uh... something uh... that we would find charming if i'd make a recommendation i would use something from your real life that's real and not some lame thing that failed at an open mic in the past ten years go ahead your shot

Starting point is 00:53:58 anything that you think the world would find interesting about you uh... i run an open mic in town. There he goes everybody set chab as there he goes. No joke but not even a little joke but for set chab as. I will give you a pack of Zippx Energy Bx nicotine toothpicks. Zip more smoke less. Tony. Yes, David Lucas. Did you see his face?

Starting point is 00:54:33 I know. He said he was 29 and he had the skin of Dracula. Right. He more sure was with a cheese grater. It was bad. Bad. Really bad. I forgot that we had something incredible in the chamber.

Starting point is 00:54:49 Some of you may remember Cam Patterson's appearance from just a few weeks ago. We met his uncle for the first time from Florida. He has not been on the show since. Ladies and gentlemen, this is going to be a brand new minute from him. Instant, instant Kiltzone legend. This is just his second time on the show. This is a new minute from the great David Jolly, everybody. David, mother fucking Jolly, here he is.

Starting point is 00:55:12 How y'all doing tonight, white people in Puerto Rican? Hey, yeah, us as Americans, we need to got a South man. Remember, you can say some things like this to me mean it for but you're using it like this over here You know what I mean like everybody here got a cousin that's a little special But you're gonna call my cousin our word. I kick your ass. You call my cousin our word. You call them like sounds a little helpful Oh, look my grandma used to say the one-witten face Or like my grandma used to say to one with the face. But now I got a homeboy. I got a homeboy with the same girl 20 years.

Starting point is 00:55:55 They got 10 kids together. He just found out five of them kids ain't here and they still together. Now that nigga retarded. Game violence. Yeah, yeah. Game violence bitch. How about... How about you? I'm gonna have to translate. I'm gonna have to translate again, Tony. I got to... Yeah, yeah. You've been...

Starting point is 00:56:30 You've been talking... Look at me and talk to me, then I'll tell him. No, he... You talk to me and he'll translate it. Go ahead. She... Well, I'm happy to be here with y'all good white folks out here on their Monday night. I ain't...

Starting point is 00:56:41 Wait, can I take a guess? He's appreciative that white people enjoy his comedy, and he's happy to be at Kill Tony on this Monday. I ain't, I ain't, I ain't, I ain't, I ain't, I ain't, I ain't, I ain't, I ain't, I ain't, I ain't, I ain't, I ain't, I ain't, I ain't, I ain't, I ain't, I ain't, I ain't, I ain't, I ain't, I ain't, I ain't, I ain't, I ain't, I ain't, I ain't, I ain't, I ain't, I ain't, I ain't, I ain't, I ain't, I ain't, I ain't, I ain't, I ain't, I ain't, I ain't, I ain't, I ain't, I ain't, I ain't, I ain't, I ain't, I ain't, I ain't, I ain, I ain't, I ain, I ain't, I ain, I ain't, I ain, I ain, I ain, I ain, I ain, I ain, I ain, I ain, I ain, I ain, I ain, I ain, I ain, I ain, I ain, I ain, I ain, I ain, I ain, I ain, I ain, I ain, I ain, I ain, I ain, I ain, I ain, I ain, I ain, I ain, I ain, I ain, I ain, I ain, I ain, I ain, I ain, I ain, I ain, I ain, I ain, I ain, I ain, I ain, I ain, I ain, I ain, I ain, I ain, I ain, I ain, I ain, I ain, I ain, I ain, I ain, I ain, I ain, I ain, I ain, I ain, I ain, I ain, I ain, I ain, I ain, I ain, I ain, I ain, I ain, I ain, I ain, I ain, I ain, I ain, I ain, ain, I ain, I ain You have such good material. Your jokes hit so hard. I love how you did 51 seconds and ended with a strong punchline and just grabbed the mic stand. You have so much fucking swagger. How long have you been doing stand up? Seven years. Seven years.

Starting point is 00:57:14 And just a reminder, the last guy supposedly has been doing it 10 years, everybody. It's amazing the different work ethics that you see in natural ability. Yeah, yeah. I mean, you know, I, this is all I do.

Starting point is 00:57:25 I do this shit every day. You know what I'm saying? I work my fucking muscle, you know what I'm saying? Dignity. I might be a bit grining. I'm a regular at the shit. So you might catch me on the Friday Saturday night and on time, we did a get together the other day, you feelin'?

Starting point is 00:57:38 So what he said is, she. All he do is go to work and come and do comedy when he get off from work. He, now this is what. Now this is what. A lot of spots at the mothership and that you and him did a show the other night But you probably don't remember it that's trail Cuz you was late on on time out you had a good air 15 minute little razzle dazzle on a main I had a little 10 sweet and sketch know on time. I don't even want that I just I want the mystery of that existence in my head.

Starting point is 00:58:08 I don't want to know what that meant. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I did the razzle dazzle. You did the skit and skit. Yeah. Well, see, see, see, I had another little spot I had to be at. No, I had one on early. I was going to scoot back through, but I had one on later over there.

Starting point is 00:58:23 I think you was like a 12, 20 or something, so you probably did a 45 on the head, though, in a way, I ain't no doubt about it. I ain't no without me. I'm sorry, but I'm not. No doubt. When it's about stand-up, I know exactly what it is. Yeah, yeah. I think he's just naming Burke Crischer Specials.

Starting point is 00:58:38 Oh, good for you. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you put it, Jolly, an absolute fucking force to be reckoned with I'm so but I too you see that just Yeah, yeah, I had to take this shit serious. I'm laughing to move down here again. Drunk you femur. This is a really and it is Unbelievable to see hey, I can't lie. I'm fucking good at this shit, man. Yeah, I'm fucking good at it Yeah, you know what I mean for real. I love it. David. This is I'm fucking good at it. You know what I mean? For real. I love it. David, this is your future.

Starting point is 00:59:07 Look at it. That's your future, tell me. White people, white women. I'ma fuck me a white girl before I leave this week. Oh shit. I mean, I'm here though. But before the end of the week, I'ma stick this whole goddamn wood in a white one.

Starting point is 00:59:19 It's gonna be the best thing I've ever liked. So what he's saying is, hold on, hold on. Let's check in with Joe Debrosa. I was just saying, do you see what I mean? How somebody says an endearing thing and then they follow it with the worst thing that's ever been said. He's like, I'm good at this, I'm sober,

Starting point is 00:59:36 I'm gonna fuck a white woman. Hey, that's how you're the mate. Fucking cock. That's what you're the mate. Right, buddy. That's what you're the mate, hey, we're happy for you. Any of y'all white women trying to make $40 tonight?

Starting point is 00:59:48 Oh shit. Where's man? Oh my goodness. No, all right. Fuck you. Don't worry about it. Let's play with me. And you pay.

Starting point is 00:59:56 I got them hot ass for it, OJDU. Oh shit, JD. I got them hot ass for it. Six. Because the fucking afe was like $35. All right, no, my eyes. You should have had it all. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:00:09 We're talking about pussy or we have. Yeah, by pussy. We'll talk about both of them right here. You buy pussy. Sometimes. There's $40 pussy. Yeah, yeah. This is like finding out there's a fucking bidet

Starting point is 01:00:19 and a gas station. I'm like, what? I was like, so $40 pussy. It's part of it. What kind of pussy is this for $40? And do you need a coupon to get it done? It's like, cut it out. It's an amazing date and site called Liss Crawler.

Starting point is 01:00:34 Data like you translate that? Kind of like Backpages a little bit. That bitch Fattuna can't compute. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha I'm just fucking with you because I got a girlfriend so the shit national television this bitch might watch you shit one side bitch I you know I can't tell television Tell me you know that translate I can't tell me bitch you know what you know what that translate to what? He doesn't want to make himself seem like he's fucking other host because the girl you stand with pays majority of the rent the host because the girl who you stand with pays majority of the rent. You got it.

Starting point is 01:01:24 God damn it boy, you put it in here. You put it in here. What David's doing is like a TI did AI. Yeah, basically. Basically. The same shit. You know what I'm talking about? I love it.

Starting point is 01:01:39 Yeah, yeah. I love it. So David, that girl friend of yours, is that the one that we learned the last time you were on sucks your dick from behind? She, she has did that, but. She has did that? But that's like, that's only on like, birthdays and Christmas and Thanksgiving.

Starting point is 01:01:56 And all Jewish holidays. I would not want to be there on Thanksgiving. That's crazy. Hey, she ain't Jewish, but she getting ashes hell on Jewish holidays. I don't know what that's about. She has been, I'll be like, bitch, do your thing. I wear a little yamaka in every time.

Starting point is 01:02:09 Damn. We get nasty in that motherfucker. You hear me? You, you Rosha Shana during Rosha Shana? I don't know what that means, but I know she got the little hat. Nobody knows what it means. She got it. She put the little hat on me and something in front of the back. I'd be like, Jesus Christ.

Starting point is 01:02:25 Ha ha ha. Thank God, good, you fit you. Oh, my God. I'm just saying, bro. God. Is there something that you, what do you look at if the girl is sucking it from behind? Like, do you find a point to look at?

Starting point is 01:02:39 Is like a ceiling fan? Is it low? Is it mid? Is it TV? It's not all the time, thanks. You're just like, yeah, but which way do you face? What do you find yourself looking at when you're getting your dick sucked from behind?

Starting point is 01:02:50 I do just like that. And I tune it in a facelift, yeah. Tell the company of nuts, bitch, bitch, get them nuts. Don't need them nuts, I don't like that bitch, get them nuts! Don't need them nuts out there like that, bitch, get them nuts! You selfish bitch! Them nuts call out to everybody, God damn it! Bad them nuts, baby girl! Ha ha!

Starting point is 01:03:17 Holy shit! Game by the bitch! Holy shit. Yeah, this is fun. Oh, yeah. If I was fun, I would just gonna get butt naked up. But y'all gonna see both of them inches today, bitch. Like, this nigga got nuts on nuts.

Starting point is 01:03:37 I don't know nuts on nuts. Is that true? Is that what you're saying? You're mostly nuts down there? Yeah, I got old niggas nuts. I'm over 40. Oh, the nut sit down low, baby. I can't wait. I get 60 so I can sit I can sit down like this and I had a little round thing. I'm gonna sit them nuts right to the side when I'm looking at your holes. Look. They gonna know it's game time, bitch. Oh my god. Well, you wear them Easter suits saying the pants are time. That shit me tight as hell right now.

Starting point is 01:04:05 I'm gonna have one nut over here, one right here, bitch. Yeah. And I'm gonna have that little dick scene right on my stomach. So they know that they see that whole setup right there. Yeah. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha It's beautiful. It's just a one-man show. I love it. David, I was all about David's nuts. It's called I Can't Breathe. Yeah, hey. I'd love to have you on the Secret Show Thursday. Hey, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 01:04:35 Appreciate that rear-bear. Appreciate that rear-bear. David, you're a fucking legend. Anything else for the great David Jolly? David Lucas Yo, bro When I started comedy this is the type of comedy I was around when I was in Georgia and Florida Yeah, so you know them saying this should be hilarious to me and I'm glad that is finally like transferring over to the other side and people Yeah, yeah, you know

Starting point is 01:05:02 other sign and people can see. Yeah, you know what I'm saying? Yeah. David Lucas, have you ever had a girl suck it from behind? Is that possible with your type of cheek situation? Oh, God. Oh, God. She just have her go-go gadget lips on her just a time. I can't imagine what's going on back there.

Starting point is 01:05:22 Tony, we got it. Here he goes. Tony, when you got a bitch from how you want to do something else. But fuck me. Exactly. I know where you're going. What is that strap on? All right.

Starting point is 01:05:34 Uh, David Jolly. You're the man. Appreciate it. Now, how can this place get for David Jolly? People like this moving here. Real natural talents getting sober. For those of you that don't know, he's just as funny as he was last time. It just blatantly less drunk. It's always fun watching people

Starting point is 01:05:53 make sacrifices to, you know, be able to do their art. Pull another name out of the bucket, make some history. Next to me, the ins straight out of the bucket. Anything can happen. His name is Luke Smith. Everyone Luke Smith. Here we go. Make some noise for Luke everybody. So guys, do I just take off? All right. I'd like everyone to applaud for this because it means a whole lot to me. I recently got over my gambling addiction. So thank you very much. It means a lot. Stop gambling.

Starting point is 01:06:34 And I finally started using condoms. That one takes some people a while. It has to linger for a little bit, a bit of a slow burn. I would know about burns at linger. That's why I use condoms now. Big fan of No Hands by Waka. I don't know if y'all know that, but it starts off like, listen to this track, bitch! It's a perfect intro to a song.

Starting point is 01:06:57 So much so. Should go before every song. For instance, listen to this track, bitch! Hello, it's me. Listen to this track, bitch. She's out of my life. Listen to this track, bitch. Baby lock the door and turn the lights down low.

Starting point is 01:07:17 Do I still have time? So I was hitting a dude from behind the other team that I remembered, wait, I'm not fucking gay. Okay, that's my time. Okay, all right.'s what I'm done. Okay, alright. Luke Smith with 60 seconds. Good 60 seconds. And then at the cat decided to do one weird half-not joke.

Starting point is 01:07:34 How you doing, buddy? Uh, I don't know, I'll tell you when I'm sober. What's going on with you? What's happening? What'd you do? No, I'm just really nervous. What do going on with you? What's happening? What do you do? No, just for the nervous. What do you mean sober? I had like two shots earlier, but would you have shots of? I had Vegas bombs. Okay. All right. And why did you do that if you knew that you had a chance of going up and being on a big time show. I mean

Starting point is 01:08:08 it's mostly the nerves that are getting me right now. Okay. Okay. How long have you been on stand-up comedy? About a year. We're at. In Dallas. I'm from the Dallas area. I worked at the Addison Improv as a box and door guy. Okay. What I do. All right. Were you there when I was there a few months ago? I was. I was. It was William O'Connor and Henry Hansen and then you you uh-huh. Yeah, that's great. Anything you want to say? I enjoyed it You got down by the fucking right you enjoyed it All right, so let's talk about it Luke What else do you do when you're not doing stand-up comedy? What else are you into my first love is music?

Starting point is 01:08:40 I play guitar I played bass Nice one by the way. Aside from that, I guess. How long have you played music for? I mean, I've been singing my whole life. Really? Yeah. You sing and play guitar at the same time?

Starting point is 01:08:57 Sometimes. You think you could do it right now, with all the nerves running through you, and two Vegas bombs running through your cold icy veins. Maybe. You think so? Matt Mewling, what do you think? I'm so curious.

Starting point is 01:09:10 Matt's curious, let's fucking do it everybody. Luke Smith, nervous. Two Vegas bombs in. How do we get that over there, E? I just really play acoustic. Here it comes. Luke, come get the guitar, you faggot. Come here. Hey, I just want to say, come get the guitar, you faggot. Come here.

Starting point is 01:09:25 Hey, I just want to say, I'm used to a 12 string battle settle with her six. Shut the fuck up, dude. You better play your goddamn fucking heart out. Or else I'm gonna make you vomit up Vegas bombs after this. We haven't fun out here. Yeah! Here's Luke Smith Smith making his kiltony music debut live without any warning and with an electric guitar. Let me know if you What happened?

Starting point is 01:10:07 Okay, good enough for me. Good to turn off? What? Oh, okay, unmute it. Okay. Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. Up.

Starting point is 01:10:29 Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. Up.

Starting point is 01:10:37 Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. But don't return the lights down low. What ever.

Starting point is 01:10:47 Whatever. What, I'm not that impressed. Yeah. He madness, are you impressed? No. Fuck. See, it's just Tony, I feel something. We should give him another.

Starting point is 01:11:00 I was looking at him. His hands were shaking. I think he needs to take a deep breath and give us your best. Do your real voice, don't do that fucking thing. Oh, everybody can sell, like this. Everybody can do that. Come on.

Starting point is 01:11:16 Let it fucking rip. I don't care if he's nervous. He sounds like RFK Jr. at a karaoke bar. I don't give a fuck. I'm not gonna make believe in pretend like it's good. We're in the live music capital in the world. You're not in Dallas anymore, bitch. Let's go.

Starting point is 01:11:30 Joe DeRosa. Hold on. Hold on, hold on, hold on. Can we, can we please, this guy is following the hardest thing ever that he had to, whatever, have to follow. The, what just happened before you, it destroyed. It's like, David Jolly talking about getting his dick suck from behind from behind

Starting point is 01:11:47 And how he was gonna fuck a white bitch this week, right? Yes, that's what I'm talking about you should you a song about that? No But I'm saying my dick suck from behind but no, but I'm saying it is this is an incredibly I agree with David It's what I'm saying. He's an an incredibly hard position right now, he's shaking. I love it. Like, I get out. There's always a big sign up. He could come back again. I know.

Starting point is 01:12:12 Luke, do you think you have something better in you right now? Do you think you can fucking play a better song than what you just tried? You think you can let it rip real quick? Here he is. Come on, one more time. Luke Smith with a fucking song. You're in Austin. Live, a kill more time. Luke Smith with a fucking song. You're in Austin. Live, a Killtony.

Starting point is 01:12:28 Play the song. Play the fucking song. Play the song, play the song, play the song. I don't know. Blackbirds singing in the dead of night. Luke. What I'm talking about, that was fucking fantastic. That was real. Was fucking terrible. Hey, ah.

Starting point is 01:13:04 God damn it. I put my neck out for you just say same here. I don't have a neck and I put it out. Black belt. In the second and the dead of night. Take these brotherly. I'm kidding. It was fantastic and it felt authentic. It felt real that time. I love it. But Tony, we gave this nigga a second chance and he's saying a suicide song. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:13:27 I thought... Who's Slitney Rich when this nigga started playing that guitar? I love it. Do you get a lot of pussy playing music like that, Luke? Zero. I got an open schedule, man. Oh, okay. Have you ever kissed a girl in Austin, Texas?

Starting point is 01:13:48 In Austin? No. Really? No? Is there a girl out there that wants to come up and give loose to me the cast? I don't know. It's a weird request, but it's something that we do on this show. Maybe there's a good...

Starting point is 01:13:59 Really? You right there. Come on up here. Oh, hell yeah. This way. She hell yeah. This way She's leaving she's going to the rest of that way you fucking and then that way towards towards where the show is Shit Luke Smith playing

Starting point is 01:14:21 songs and now songs and now in playing live music in Austin Texas this first Austin kiss is it possible oh my god whoa that was a real one wow that was awesome. That was incredible. Oh my goodness. Sweetheart, jump up there. What's your name? Oh, me. Hi, my name is Molina.

Starting point is 01:14:53 Molina? It's Molina. Molina. Okay. Wow, that is what made you come up and do that? Are you a fan of the show? The same my first time. Whoa!

Starting point is 01:15:04 You pissed a boy on the show before? Is that true? It is. Early Hans Kim? No. It was another guy? I was Monkey Pock's girl. Monkey Pock's girl.

Starting point is 01:15:15 That was a British guy. It was the British guy, God. I can never remember anything. I have a recycling system, and I don't remember the episode so that I could stay present in the new one. But it sounds hilarious. You made out with Monkey Pog's guy. I was Monkey Pog's girl.

Starting point is 01:15:31 Okay. Wow. Was it fun? Was everybody laughing? Who knows? Okey dokey. Where are stamps are possible? People are retarded tonight. For those of you wondering. It's kind of amazing.

Starting point is 01:15:45 Are you vaccinated? Just not a curiosity. Yeah. Two, three. Two. Yeah, I fucking knew it. I can tell. I can like smell it on people now.

Starting point is 01:15:55 I couldn't tell you whether or not they laughed that night. That's a fucking booster right there. I'm telling you, I've been doing these roach. I was just in Toronto where everybody's like three or four times back. There's people like three, five seconds behind jokes and shit. It's hilarious. I am.

Starting point is 01:16:13 It's like, oh, I'll get it. Okay, it's amazing. So, what's your name again? Malena, what do you do for work? I'm a chemist and also an EMT and firefighter. A chemist in EMT and a firefighter. Holy shit! Look at you!

Starting point is 01:16:30 That's incredible. That's three jobs where you have to save people, which means people are dying on her watch because she's at the other job. They're like, what happened to the heart attack guy? He died. She's like, I was fighting a fire. I'm sorry. The children burned alive.

Starting point is 01:16:49 Where were you? I had a fucking cardiac arrest on the south side. That's where I was. And then there was a way to work chemistry into it. I can't think of it at the moment. I was about to do that for you. All right. Wow.

Starting point is 01:17:06 So it's so interesting that you're willing to jump on stage, Molina, and kiss boys on this show. This is your second time doing it. Second time. So tell us more about your sex life. It seems like you would be very adventurous. Yeah, yeah. I can't share my secrets.

Starting point is 01:17:21 I can't share my secrets. Sure you can. Come on. have some fun. Give us something crazy. What's a wild night in the life of Malena? You ever do the funky old Malena? Oh, no. Come on, tell us something, Malena.

Starting point is 01:17:42 Like the second from behind thing? Wait, have you the second from behind thing wait have you sucked it from behind Charlotte people gas that's a resounding yes oh god she had the Moderna it was the Moderna she looks strong she'll pick the band up and put it where she wants something to get there it is. She does. I don't like the way it's in this corner. She has that fucking ronda rousey energy. UFC, HPV, and all of it. I'm gonna see it.

Starting point is 01:18:12 I fucking see it in real. Absolutely. OK, so give us something crazy. You're willing to come up and make out with guys. That means you probably have a very loose sex life. Am I correct? That's kind of rude. Answer questions. OK, there you go. There you go. She goes, Maline everybody? That's kind of rude. Answer questions.

Starting point is 01:18:26 Okay, there you go. There you go. She goes, Malene everybody, very fun, very good. Only here for the kisses, I guess. Not really willing to part of the show. Fun, sometimes it works. Sometimes, sometimes a girl like that will tell you that they storm the capital on January 6th.

Starting point is 01:18:39 You never know what you're gonna get asking questions. I'm not afraid. I'm not afraid. Oh, there he goes, everybody. I forgot he was up here. There he is. I'm not afraid. I'm not afraid. Oh, there he goes, everybody. I forgot he was up here. There he is. Luke Smith, everyone. Luke, Luke, come here.

Starting point is 01:18:51 Luke, here's a big joke book. Take a gel blaster. And here's some zippex toothpicks that you can relax a little bit. Amazing. Nicotine toothpicks. Am I right, Red Band? I love them.

Starting point is 01:19:06 We love them. We really do. They're unbelievable. On the fucking airplanes and shells. Yeah, I can't smoke the theater. Zippx. Go to zippx.com. Pulled one last name out of the bag.

Starting point is 01:19:20 We got lucky because I needed a fine to female and I pulled one out on the first pick. So our first female comedian of the night. Sound good, huh? 60 seconds uninterrupted. Goes to Kelly McKierney, everybody. Kelly McKierney, here we go. What up?

Starting point is 01:19:40 What's up Austin? I'm visiting. I've been doing a lot of touristy shit. I went to the Cathedral of Junk today, which is really funny, because that's why I call my pussy. What's up? Hey. You guys think if I rename my vagina Xbox,

Starting point is 01:19:59 more guys will play with it? Here's your call of duty, okay? Put your first person shooter into my first person cooter. We'll see how many kills you get. I don't play games. I had to Google that. I called the Googs. It's fun. I don't know. I'm you guys. I'm so single. How single are you? Oh my God. Thank you so much. I'm so single. I miss the feeling of warm jizz on my naked chest. Too much, too much. So now I just pour soup onto it. Is that better? Bonus point, soup tastes better? Okay. How about this? I know I look like a basic white bit.

Starting point is 01:20:55 There you go. All the time you could possibly have, Kelly McEarny. Everyone. Mac and Ernie, like Bert and Ernie. Sorry to. What? It's Mac and Ernie. Like Bert and Ernie. Mac and Ernie. Mac and Ernie, like Bert Nerny.

Starting point is 01:21:05 Mac and Ernie, Mac and Ernie, okay. That's it. Hey. There you go. Hi. How long have you been on standup? Like 10 years? 10 years? So, wow, we've heard this before.

Starting point is 01:21:15 Sorry, Los Angeles. I don't know how the 10 years people are... Visiting, that's what, I don't know. Visiting from where? Los Angeles. Los Angeles. That's right. Your Britney Spears is crazy or stunt woman Watch out

Starting point is 01:21:29 Okay, I'll do whatever I'm a yes man, baby. Oh Yeah, I'm with you D. I wish I could plug my ears and my eyes right now It is wild gross. I went I was like man people like gross stuff. I was gonna do dead dad jokes instead That's my thing jizz or Okay, Kelly let's talk about it 10 years where at Los Angeles all in LA for 10 years My bounce around you know, I those are the only things bouncing around connected to you That is a got a got a face of a Nazi,

Starting point is 01:22:08 but a chest of a Holocaust victims. OK, that's, that's, that's, that's a good one. I like that one. Yeah, good. Cool. I like that one. I like that. OK, so, um, we're not even talking about your set anymore.

Starting point is 01:22:25 Okay, cool. Yep, okay. What do you do for living in Los Angeles? How do you make money? I'm a copywriter for an ad agency. That's a thing? Yeah, it's pretty fun. You also work on the railroad or anything like that or sell newspapers?

Starting point is 01:22:40 No, it's copywriter. If you need something copywriter, here we go. Do you ever think of... Come copy, right? There we go. Do you ever think of, come on, I'll run some good jokes. Yeah. God damn it. Not here. Sure.

Starting point is 01:22:52 What did you do? Would you do a leapier joke? No, I said do everything of copying some good jokes. That was funny. I think you did. Oh, alright. I like the joke. It was good.

Starting point is 01:23:02 It was just kidding. It was good. Kelly, how's it going out there? LA is a tough place to be doing comedy, even though a lot of unfunny people are absolutely thriving there right now. How's it going for you? Well, not good, because I'm kind of funny sometimes.

Starting point is 01:23:16 Spoiler alert, I know. I don't know. So that's why I'm here. That's why I'm here to try and figure it out. You talk like you're pushing out a poop. Do you know that? I don't know. I'm kind of funny sometimes. I'm here to try and figure it out. You talk like you're pushing out a poop. Do you know that? I don't know. I'm kind of funny sometimes. I haven't pooped at all today.

Starting point is 01:23:29 Actually, there you go. Then maybe it's... Maybe it's your tofu. Maybe your full of shit. It's the closest thing to I said. The closest thing I've actually seen to a dick was a shit I took yesterday. So...

Starting point is 01:23:40 You look like if Naomi Watts fell down. I have. Okay. Like Naomi Watts happened to me. Just give me her money and I'll be cool with that shit. Ender husband please. I'll be cool with that shit. Shit. Shit.

Starting point is 01:23:57 Yeah, I made that one myself. I know. It's an organic fart noise. Kelly, what do you do for fun? Where do you into? What I do for fun? Where do you into? What do I do for fun? Yeah, some hobbies or something like that. Other than stand-up comedy.

Starting point is 01:24:10 I like to travel a lot. That's why I've been doing it for 10 years. I have a fucking life kind of deal. I travel when I get money, so that's why. Tell us more. Where have you been traveling? Did you just start a fire in Hawaii and then come here? Yeah, actually, I just left Hawaii.

Starting point is 01:24:24 Yeah, you seem like you would start fires. Yeah, but... Right? No? No? No? Was that sound it freezing? Was that the one you liked finger freezing on your cold ass? Yeah, I got a cold pus too.

Starting point is 01:24:41 Wow, is that true? I don't know. Nobody knows. Nobody knows. Nobody knows. Somebody tell me. Oh my goodness. David Lucas, what do you think about this Kelly McInerney? This bitch got dumpster diver pussy.

Starting point is 01:24:59 That bitch. I'm from New Jersey originally, so it makes sense. I usually look dirty bitch. I don't know what the fuck I'm trust you. Okay To be fair on trust you either Racist I'm not a Karen. I'm a Kelly. It's too close But you got the titties of a art Kelly victim

Starting point is 01:25:22 Yeah, he likes to win the piss run straight down. Oh, to the shoes. I don't trust this bitch with that motherfucker. Hey, get your ass tank top, you got all. That is a very, very chinsy, almost childlike tank top. Why are you wearing that? It looks like a fruit striped gum wrapper. I was trying to fit into the Austin ladies. I was trying to look like a fruit striped gum wrapper. I kind of fit into the Austin ladies.

Starting point is 01:25:46 I was trying to look like a lady. You're dressed like you stole clothing off of somebody else's clothing line. I do steal that from Target, so that tracks. Oh, then you and David have more in common than we thought. That's incredible. You need some bath bombs or tampons?

Starting point is 01:26:01 I can't tell. Looks like a hankerchief that a white man wiping his full head before he buys a slave. Oh, this thing costs $1300. Oh, shit. Jesus, that's a lot of money. Incredible. Kelly, what else?

Starting point is 01:26:15 Tell us more about you. I don't know. Yeah, I'm visiting. Here's a fun fact. I used to be a clown on the weekend, so I know how to twist balloons. Is that dumb? Do you have any balloons on you? I don't so anybody have a condom perhaps or something we can uh could make it a giraffe I can't blow it up though. That's no problem. Kill Tony fans don't use condoms unfortunately

Starting point is 01:26:41 Everybody knows that we don't allow them two things we lock up our phones and condoms here Kelly what's your wildest thing that's ever happened to you being in sexual relations with a man We didn't get an answer out of the random girl that comes up and kisses guys, but won't talk about things How about you you seem like you've been in the entertainment business for 10 years? I'm not I don't know if you could tell I'm very much like a dead fish during having six, you know? Like that. I don't move. Closest thing is like I fucked up my period once at a hotel. Looked it, left it like a murder scene.

Starting point is 01:27:16 Wow. Oh boy, 10 years in the game everybody. Kelly McInerney. My goodness gracious. I'm not f- it's not me. It's the people Okay, yes, it's the crowd. You're right. It's the crowd. No, the people the men I'm fucking I'm saying they don't want to do anything fun the guy last guy a day I didn't want to fucking a jacuzzi. He didn't like the water. I'm like isn't that the whole point of fucking is the

Starting point is 01:27:40 What it's like a what water sport like it's all about the juices, anyways. Are you Eileen Wernos? Okay. It's a great reference. The people on YouTube are gonna love that. I'm not gay. Maybe you're right, maybe it is the crap. I'm not gay, I'm not gay.

Starting point is 01:27:57 Here's a little joke, Buck. Here you go, it's coming at you, you ready? Here we go. Thank you. Oh, Jesus Christ. Sorry, sorry that I went too hard with the pussy things. It wasn't, it wasn't that. It wasn't that at all.

Starting point is 01:28:10 It wasn't that. It was the premises, the writing, the delivery, and then the interview. That's all it was. That's all. It's okay. Maybe next time, Kelly McInerney, everybody. Some people do it. Some people don't.

Starting point is 01:28:24 For some people, it's easy. For some people, it's not. Some people are naturally talented. Some people do it, some people don't. For some people, it's easy, for some people it's not. Some people are naturally talented, some people work at it. Your final comedian of the night is all of those things at once. An absolute fucking force. The record holder for most appearances on the show, most interviews on the show. The Hall of Famer of Killtony, ladies and gentlemen, the Big Red Machine, the Memphis Strangler, the vanilla gorilla.

Starting point is 01:28:50 Lights out William Montgomery, everybody. How's it going, Austin? Weirdly enough, I also call my pussy the Cathedral of Junk, so that's... You want the good news or the bad news? The bad news, the bad news is that I don't have a credit score. The good news is that I don't have a credit score. The good news is that I don't have a credit score. So if I apply for a loan and they can't find me in the system, I say just hit control off, delete several times until they get flustered and approve financing for a hot tub. I'm getting a hot tub!

Starting point is 01:29:43 They say Tommy was a pinball wizard despite being deaf dumb and blind. Yeah, well he had two arms, come on! If you think you know a one-arm pinball wizard, you don't know pinball! What is going on with America right now? Right. Guys.

Starting point is 01:30:01 The Super Bowl dropped Lizzo. It measured 7.8 on the Richter scale. Yeah, it looks like Lizzo is in trouble. I guess we can all quit pretending that morbid obesity is a good thing. Okay, that's what I'm talking about. Unbelievable. A new minute, more new minutes than anybody ever in the history of the show.

Starting point is 01:30:31 Time after time after time, an established delivery system that he keeps sharp. How you doing, William Montgomery? I am doing really good. It was so much fun and to rot. What is already going on with this fucking idiot? He's laughing. Go ahead. But yeah, no, it was really fun being in Toronto with you

Starting point is 01:30:52 and also Detroit. It was so much fun. I realized in Toronto it's all in Celsius, the temperature. So I put my controller on 70 degrees Celsius in the hotel room and it's not the same as Fahrenheit. It got like 160 or something. It was so hot. It was indeed Williams' first time outside of the United States. What else in Toronto, that is incredible

Starting point is 01:31:29 that you thought Celsius and Fahrenheit were the same. What is that translate to? What is 70 degrees? It's like a hundred and almost 200 I think or something. Yeah, it was probably about almost 200. I couldn't stop sweating when I walked back in after the show, I mean it was hot as shit. David was in there briefly. Yeah. David is a sweaty room beetle, juice. He just pops up everywhere. There's a...

Starting point is 01:31:52 All right. Anyway. So what else about Toronto and Detroit? William is out there doing these theaters with me. They are indeed the largest venues you've ever done in your entire life. How does it feel up there? What's different? Explain to the people. It feels good. I mean, I'll be honest with you all. I've gotten very used to a crowd around this size when it's literally 5,000, 10,000 people.

Starting point is 01:32:17 I freeze up up there. Tony has been so sweet to let me continue to do this, but it's turning into a disaster for me. Whenever it's about 5 to 10,000 fucking people, I but it's turning into a disaster for me. Whenever it's about five to ten thousand fucking people, I just can't help but freeze up up there. I mean, I'm trying to have the set of my life up there every fucking time, but I can't do it. I mean, five to ten thousand people is... Well, I lock up phones at all these shows, so maybe you could show the people, like, you could do one of your normal jokes, and you could the people like what it's like for them up there. So picture William, he's in the middle of his studies in front of 5 or 10,000 people.

Starting point is 01:32:49 And here he is. William Montgomery, this is what it's like. Picture the 5 or 10,000 people so that you naturally freeze up. This is what he does in theaters. So he's got a big joke. There's a big laugh. Everybody laughs.

Starting point is 01:33:00 Ah! Ah! Ah! That's what I do. I literally just freeze up. Tony's been so sweet. Let me do it. Yeah Okay, all right you were right about this guy right here Yeah, I'm getting really weird vibes from him already how many beer would have you had eight beers down there? What is going on? Yeah, he said that is a lot of Madelos for a little tiny fellow like you that'll fucking this little soft taco We got right here. I think this guy All right, William. What else is going on in the world? Tell us more.

Starting point is 01:33:46 I actually, I bought off of eBay. I've still been buying shit off eBay. I bought a collector's edition 1972 Ouija board and I got it out literally last night trying to contact some of the spirit entities in my apartment. And Tony, I'm horrified to tell you, I've opened up a portal, I think, in my fucking apartment. Describe it more. What happened exactly? I mean, I'm a lot of the time still, opening up my blood hole in the mirror,

Starting point is 01:34:15 looking at my hemorrhoids, and there will be another hand that gets on one side of my blood cheeks, so I can loosen up this one hand in my asshole. Somebody's holding open my asshole in the bathroom. I don't know who it is. I've opened up a fucking portal to hell. They're fucking with my butthole. I mean, I don't even know what's going on. Do they suck it from the back? Yes. They wear a Yamaka. They suck it from the back. Yes, they wear a Yamaka. They suck it from the back

Starting point is 01:34:50 You know I bought one of those Ouija boards too and the one thing I couldn't resurrect was my career Don't say that you're in the second herbie the love bug movie man. Things are looking up stop Joe de Rosa You know folks Show business tough. He was in her, he's a love bug, fully loaded, y'all. I was in birdcrasher, fully loaded, the sequel. He had sex with Lindsay Lohan. Yeah. Did you?

Starting point is 01:35:18 With birdcrasher, y'all. But three of us, the four of us. The four of us, maybe it was there. The four of us. How do you give it to us here? Oki-doki. Yeah. William, I wanna find out more about this portal that you opened up. You look in the mirror and what happens exactly?

Starting point is 01:35:33 So I'm looking the man-wipes, Tony. You're gonna be happy to know I have been wiping my butthole a little bit. I'm still not doing it every time, but I'm wiping my butthole a little bit now. But yeah, I just literally lean over, and I just hold up and my butthole a little bit now. But yeah, I just literally lean over and I just hold open my butthole, just look at it this thing. It's the size of a small grape.

Starting point is 01:35:50 Finally, it's a little better than it was, but yeah, I just open it up and then a hand comes in the picture, comes in the mirror and it just holds open my butthole and then I can move around with my other hand and things are... When you're looking at yourself in the mirror, what are you hearing at the time? What is it sound like? I hear you from the ground, because all of us... I hear you from the ground, because all of us... Red Band turn it off, you fucking idiot!

Starting point is 01:36:15 I'm having a really hard time up here tonight for some reason. I'm not... Red Band turn it off! Red Band turn it off! Red Band turn it off ripin turn it off dude you know what even fucking is that that guy doesn't even look like me I don't ever everybody really every kill Tony fan has sent us and tagged us in these things with saying look we found hillbilly william on gummery. You don't get it. I look I look so much better than that piece of shit. This guy went super super viral this week He looks just like you and somehow you got more famous than you in one week. How does that make you feel?

Starting point is 01:37:00 It makes me feel like shit And especially after a nightmare set tonight! It's not literally living a nightmare in my apartment right now! How do you think I got these girls in my hair tonight? It's from the portal! It's a curling my hair too. How does it make you feel when Red Band plays that music? It makes me feel like I literally want to fucking find you in the fucking alleyway tonight Red Band and kiss you.

Starting point is 01:37:32 Oh, what a twist. I've been being really mean recently Red Band, we need to make a... The guy in the girl kiss, can we kiss? Wow. Wow. Come on, you pussy! Oh, fire. God is your God foot! Ripy, what are you doing? Hey!

Starting point is 01:37:55 Ah! Ah! Ah! Nobody sent you this guy. You don't know who that guy is. I'm off the internet, Tony! I'm literally off the internet now. Your wife, I went out when the portal opened.

Starting point is 01:38:09 My wife, I went out in the portal when open, but whatever. You live and you learn. I'm just gonna say it for everybody. Everybody fucking loves you. You are a monster. It is unbelievable It's been fun, Cody a lot of people they fucking run out of minutes They think that it's a thing where you have to fuck it. Yeah, this isn't okay. Yes You think you could do this you couldn't be your guy damn right

Starting point is 01:38:41 No fucking way you bitch. I completely agree with him. Nobody else has done it and nobody can do it the way that you fucking do it. One more time for the Big Red Machine, William Montgomery. And that is an episode of Kilt Tony brought to you by Jill Blaster, the Red Rose, Yellow Rose, Holfern, connect mobilehealth.com. Kilt Tony, uh, 10% for your IV drips safe 10% CM Smokehouse bone zip and screw ball peanut butter whiskey which presents the kill Tony band ladies of jump that's Michael Gonzalez on the drums

Starting point is 01:39:15 the madness on the bass make some noise John D's on the keys Matt Meele on the electric guitar how loud can this place get for my guess Joe Joe DeRosa, David Lucas, huh? You guys have fucking fun tonight? Thank you for coming out. Exclusive Killtoni merch available on your way out. An unbelievable painting of Joe DeRosa and David Lucas. Oh, and here's Hart from the great Chris Rogers, everybody. Local artists drew this. Wow. That is beautiful.

Starting point is 01:39:49 Hit him up on Instagram. You want to try to purchase it? Guys, check out the Sunset Strip Comedy Club. SunsetStrip ATX.com. I love you. Check me out on tour. It's a bigum. Featers all around the world.

Starting point is 01:40:04 Anything else you guys want to plug? Joder Rossi. Joey Rossi. Yeah, I have a huge tour in the fall, starting an event on New Jersey in September. I'm doing tons of dates all the way through the winter. Wow, Toronto. New Jersey, Philadelphia, Denver, Salt Lake City.

Starting point is 01:40:19 Tons of places go to joderrosa.com, for tickets and show information. Please come out. I want to see you out there. David for tickets and show information. Please come out. I want to see you out there. David Lucas. Hey, what's up y'all? September the 9th.

Starting point is 01:40:29 I'm in Potstown, Pennsylvania, and Seoul, Joe's October the 12th through the 14th. I'm in Tacoma, Washington, Tacoma, Comedy Club. Get tickets at DavidLukasComedy.com. I love all of y'all. Thank y'all so much, man. Yeah! We did it again, everybody. Thank you guys so much. Thank you, locals.

Starting point is 01:40:49 Here in Austin for coming out. Incredible. What a turn now. A little drop. Yes, sir, nay. Yes, sir, nay. I got a sweet little drop. Yes, sir,, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, I got a sweet little dog, yesterday, yesterday I got a sweet little dog 1.0-1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1. ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ You

KILL TONY - #626 - JOE DEROSA + DAVID LUCAS

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