KILL TONY - #629 - RIC FLAIR - SHANE GILLIS - ARI SHAFFIR - MARK NORMAND - LUIS J GOMEZ - ZAC AMICO

Starting point is 00:00:00 Hey, this is RedBan and you're listening to the Desquad Podcast Network. This episode and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Desquad.tv. All are merch can be found for Kill Tony at Kill Merch.com. Tony's on a brand new Tories going all over the place to check out TonyHinchcliff.com for everything Golden Pony. And last but not least, don't forget I have a new comedy club called the Sunset Strip. We have a bi-weekly show with the Killtony Band and the secret show is every single Thursday Get Tickets at SunsetStrip ATX.com.

Starting point is 00:00:38 And now a brand new episode of Killtony. Hey everybody, Killtony live from the H.E.B. Center in Austin, Texas. Saturday, December 30th at 7 p.m. Just went on sale and you have to trust me. Tickets are going lightning fast. It's absolutely unbelievable. These will be the first podcasts of Kiltzone ever in an arena. This is two and a half three times as big as the ACL live theater that we did for the 10 year anniversary. We've become an arena act. So check it out. It's going to be crazy. A lot of surprises, a lot of fun, unbelievable guests. It's a big production. This is our version of WrestleMania. Go to ticketmaster.com. Look up Kiltoni. It's the one with tickets available. We're going back to back nights, the 30th and the 31st, HEB Center live.

Starting point is 00:01:27 Hey, all Kill Merch is on fire. New hats, Camp Patterson Merch, the rowdy, rowdy, piper, homage t-shirt, the stone cold NWO t-shirt. All of it is restocked. All of it is flying off the shelves. Get it. Got it. Kill Merch. Stalked all of it is flying off the shelves get it got it kill merch dot com right now Hi, it's time to make me an American please vote for my crippled ass and the America's got talent finals Tuesday the 26th

Starting point is 00:01:55 8 7 Central NBC dot com forward slash AGT vote I don't wanna hear you play that beat one more time Get it y'all on the key I'll leave the audience flat with me though They're gonna clap with me Ah, ah, ah, ah One, two, three. Hey, this is Redman, come to you live from the comedy mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony Give it up for Tony H-Clown I fucking mean at this time who's ready for the best Monday night of their lives I fucking mean it this time. Who's ready for the best Monday night of their lives?

Starting point is 00:03:12 Oh, yeah, this is the fucking one. Make some noise for Red Band everybody. Oh shit, we're here. Kilt Sony live. From the mothership, what a fucking life this is. Unbelievable. Number one live podcast in the world brought to you by Gel Blaster, the Red Rose, Yellow Rose, Hall Lothurm, Connect Mobile Health, CM Smokehouse, Austin Security Guard Service, Connect Mobile Health, by the way, that's an IV drip company. Get 10% off using Kill 10 as the code.

Starting point is 00:03:39 Hall Lothurm is the best law firm in Austin, Texas. CM Smokehouse, the best barbecue, and Strubalpina Butter Whiske presents the Killtony band. Everybody makes them noise. That's the great Paul Deemer on the horns. John Deez on the keys. Matt Mewling on the electric guitar. Michael Gonzalez on the drums.

Starting point is 00:03:58 And that's D-Madness on the bass guitar, right down the barrel. You can't miss it. You see him, but he cannot see you. Before we start tonight's unbelievable episode, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it available for you here, right now. Good evening Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, just a heads up. I am coming to you this weekend

Starting point is 00:04:20 and also Tyson's Virginia on Saturday. Then Milwaukee, Minneapolis, Youngstown, Cincinnati, San Francisco, Sacramento, San Diego, Florida, Arizona, so much more New York, New York, New York as well. TonyHinchcliffe.com for tickets. See you soon. Hey, this is Red Band and my comedy club,

Starting point is 00:04:39 the sunset strip and Austin, Texas is now open. The Kill Tony band has two shows a month now. So come check out their music and every Thursday we have the secret show. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets, shows every night. Hey y'all, I have to tell you about the super blend I'm loving called Kachava.

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Starting point is 00:10:51 Now, as you could tell the setup behind me and around me is a little bit different than usual. That's because this is a fucking special night. Every single week I have one or two, maybe three of the funniest, coolest guests on Planet Earth on this show. I'm gonna bring out one to start and as the night goes on, more will come out. And the first human being that I'm bringing up is not just any normal human being at all. In fact, he is your favorite artist, favorite artist. He is your hero's hero. Literally, a childhood dream of mine and probably every man in this room, and if it's not one of yours, then you're probably not a real fucking man in the first place.

Starting point is 00:11:52 I present to you the 16-time champion of the world. Ladies and gentlemen, this is The Nature Boy, Rick Flair! Rick fucking clearly is the gentleman. Yeah! This is the life. Come on in, you're rich. The man, the man, the legend, the nature boy. The necklace is the Rolex, the sunglasses, the Gucci shoes. The boy. The boy. The boy. The boy. The boy. The boy.

Starting point is 00:12:48 The boy. The boy. The boy. The boy. The boy. The boy. The boy. The boy.

Starting point is 00:12:56 The boy. The boy. The boy. The boy. The boy. The boy. The boy. The boy.

Starting point is 00:13:04 The boy. The boy. The boy. The boy. The boy. Actually, alligator shoes. I love it. And Rolex, where and, and Dime Ring, where? That really is. There are diamonds inside of the Rolex. That's literally tomorrow morning, private jet fly. That's right. Rick said, take me out in Austin. Let's have some fun.

Starting point is 00:13:20 I did. And I don't think I've had a vodka cranberry in about 20 years, but I said I'll have what he's having and I do believe we had about 17 vodka cranberries last night. Yeah, we did. And I've already had 12 of the days. We started at 2.30 p.m. and went all the way through. Yeah. 3 p.m. and went all the way through and uh... and the only problem with all that shit is that I went home alone I mean... damn, not the nature boy

Starting point is 00:13:52 I mean... sympathy please but he didn't fall asleep a lot what is uh... I did not fall asleep, I don't fall asleep a lot. What is, I did not fall asleep. I don't fall asleep. I just can't, what is the song the guy wrote? The country was the guy.

Starting point is 00:14:13 I can't do it at once did. Oh, huh? What's the name? Toby, my good friend Toby Keith. I can't do it at once did all night long, but I can do what I once did once. But it doesn't resemble the same. 74 kids, give me a raise.

Starting point is 00:14:40 74 years old. 16 times. Hey, my new gig is, my new gig is in light of all, and this is a very serious comment. We've lost a lot of troopers. This is like a hall of fame here this year for tragedy. Superstar Belular gram, iron chic, very funk,

Starting point is 00:15:11 holes in my mouth and, right away, and of course, they'll be just, that's weak, break wide. So I mean, I mean, that is a sad thing to say, but we've lost a hollow famed to tragedy and age and health and everything else. So I'm very conscious about that, but you know what? I'm not changing my lifestyle because, no, I'm not going to.

Starting point is 00:15:36 I'm going to chase you down. You can tell me no on that one, but I'll be up. Hey, if you want evidence, I got a picture. Seriously, why would I slow down? We're dying to the left and to the right. Not tonight, after the best medicine. We're going to add a few more years. I brought some back backup with me. There are comedians that are going to be trickling in

Starting point is 00:16:09 joining this panel throughout the night. Let's start with a couple of my favorites from New York. Make some noise for Louis J. Gomez and Zach Amico, everybody. And Louis J. Gomez. Zach Amico. Fuck Gomez, Sacramento. Fuck yeah, welcome. Get on in here.

Starting point is 00:16:28 Make yourselves at home. I love it. You guys know how it works. Everybody does. A bunch of comedians signed up for the chance to get 60 seconds on this stage. We're going to get through some of these names here tonight. They get 60 seconds uninterrupted to do it.

Starting point is 00:16:46 I have to question. Yeah. Since you're the man, is there any possibility I could have a cold beer? Oh, yeah, absolutely. Can we get Ric Flair alone start up here? I don't get you right now in a Starbucks. That wasn't you last night.

Starting point is 00:17:03 Uh-oh, no, no, no. No, no, no. So why would a cold beer be? Yeah, let's do a bucket of beers up here for the great Rick Flare. Yeah. I'm surprised, surprise we had to have a mask for that. That's incredible. Yoni's been having fun lately, so he's a little bit. You know the 60 seconds is up and you're the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then, or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear.

Starting point is 00:17:29 And then we interview them, we talk to them. We're gonna find some talent here tonight. We're gonna find a lot of non-talented tonight. Well, we're gonna find some talent for sure. Rick Flair is here. We're gonna watch Santa comedy. We're gonna get it started. We have a regular on the show, Rick.

Starting point is 00:17:42 He writes and performs a new 60 seconds. I thought he was shit. Yeah, you are. We're gonna get more started. We have a regular on the show Rick. He writes and performs a new 60 seconds Yeah, you are we're gonna get we're gonna get more More from Rick flair coming up right around the corner You know, let's get some more panelists up here. I'm gonna bring up some guys make some noise Mark Norman and already Everybody! Two! Two! Orange, look here! Mark and Norman! Two! Two!

Starting point is 00:18:09 Two! Three! Two! Three! Two! Three! Two! Two!

Starting point is 00:18:17 Two! Orange, look here! Mark and Norman! Two! Two! Two! Two! Two! Two! Two! Orange, look, two, two, two, two, two, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, of the Protect Our Parks, guys. Did you come solo?

Starting point is 00:18:46 Are they all here? Where are they? Why are they upstairs? Because they're pissing like fucking facts! It's all here! They are telling you! Ari's Shaff fear has arrived? I don't know if we're going to get to one bucket pool tonight folks. This might be the first episode of Kill Tony that is just humans on a stage.

Starting point is 00:19:14 That's so funny. This is the great Are you sure fear? This is the Nature Boy Ric Flair. So they went pee. All right. Fucking wild. Ari, how you doing? How was the episode today? Pretty good. I don't have a fucking modelo in front of me though. Yeah, it's common. There's a bucket, right? Oh, it's right by your feet, right there.

Starting point is 00:19:44 Doys. There's a bucket right suppose. Oh, that's right by your feet right there Are you tell us more what drugs did you guys do or what you do today smelling salts mushrooms just booze and we suck to show this Dicks like real men you know Fucking awesome, I love it. Are they ready? We got eyes on our other guests. All right, ladies and gentlemen Shane Gillis and Mark Norman. There we go. Shane, they're right there. I'll figure out where they're going between us. It's perfect. Yeah. Beautiful. Yeah. beautiful. Yeah. Oh yeah. Welcome to one of the greatest sausage festivals ever put together in human history. The last supper of sausage. Mark Norman, his special, don't be yourself on Netflix. Shane Gillilles, special Netflix, beautiful dogs out tonight at midnight.

Starting point is 00:20:47 His first Netflix special hour, and he's with you. This is the fucking crew. This is the dream team. Are you sure fear Jew killing it on YouTube? Up to millions and millions and millions. What is it? Eight, nine million? Something crazy. Huge amount of and millions. What is it? Eight, nine million. Something crazy.

Starting point is 00:21:06 Huge amount of people. So this is it. Dream team. Everything is ready. You guys ready to watch 60 seconds of stand-up comedy? Oh. And then our entire esteemed panel talks to us. Talks to them and us all at the same time.

Starting point is 00:21:21 It's crazy. Let's get it started with a regular. He writes some performance of brand new 60 seconds every week. You know him, you love him, sing it if you know the words. So this is Hans Kim. This is Hans Kim. This is Hans Kim. Hans Kim.

Starting point is 00:21:33 Hans Kim. This is Hans Kim. This is Hans Kim. This is Hans Kim. This is Hans Kim. This is Hans Kim. This is Hans Kim. What's up?

Starting point is 00:21:41 What's up? Holy shit. I love Texas because people in Texas, they don't give a fuck. What's up? Holy shit. I love Texas because people in Texas they don't give a fuck. If COVID was spread through Farts, there'd be Texans walking around with their buttholes exposed. You're not gonna put a muzzle on my butthole. It's a Texas butthole. I love Texas more than New York.

Starting point is 00:22:06 New York is very similar to Asia. You know, we both shove Asians on subways. And New York, you guys just wait till after the train leaves. But yes, love being Asian. Very difficult to be Asian. A lot of black people make fun of us for having small penises, but at least when I have sex, it doesn't look like

Starting point is 00:22:31 a poop coming out of a vagina. Thank you. Wow. A poop coming out of a vagina. Let's start with our poop out of a vagina specialist. Are you ship here? I've shitting many vaginas. Can I just say I assume he's not being challenged this week?

Starting point is 00:22:48 He is not being challenged this week. Right out showed. But he is definitely almost without a doubt. Mark Norman? Can I just say that I like the Hawaiian shirt, because that set remind me you Maui. Oh, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha I don't know, I like those jokes, maybe it's too... You begin to get some white pussy. Yeah. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:23:27 You get soft, dude. I get comfortable, content with that white pussy. We have seen this before. He gets challenged, he fights for his life. 15 punchlines in 60 seconds almost every time. He crushes people that want to take his job from him. He gets challenged for his regular ship on the regular now and then he has a really really really good set So I don't challenge him the next week and then he has a good seat a good set the next week and then this happens

Starting point is 00:23:57 So now you're gonna be challenged next week for your spot Hans Pym how does that make you feel? Really for your spot. Hans Pimp, how does that make you feel? Good. Really, you're excited about your life being on the line. It's not even just like a thing on a podcast, your life will be over if you lose this. This is like the only thing I have. Please don't take this away from me. It's not up to me, it's up to the audience. We always let the audience decide.

Starting point is 00:24:22 Hey, Hans, let's recreate this iconic photograph. Uh, uh, uh, uh, Rick Flair, you just watched one of our future stars, one of the regular people that have built a career on this show have a really, really, really, really, really rough set. Do you have any words of advice?

Starting point is 00:24:45 You're the goat, you've had a rough night of work before, right? I have, but I'm not that don't have to apologize on this show. You're not a POW. That's the best. That is definitely a person. Woo! Hans Kim, you will be challenged next week. Prepare another great 60 seconds.

Starting point is 00:25:16 Your life is on the line. You could no longer be a regular in seven days. How do you all turn it? I owe you everything and this is a big opportunity for me. Oh, this is a good satire. Jesus Christ dude. It's a problem. Dude stand up for yourself.

Starting point is 00:25:30 Spin the spark of face. Different flavor of fit. Respects that shit. Woo. Woo. I consider myself the ruckiest man. Hans Kim. Next week you're challenged. I was important you. I'm just easiest man. Hans Kim, next speaker challenge.

Starting point is 00:25:45 I was important you, I'm just telling truth. Absolutely. Ladies and gentlemen, one more time for Hans Kim. There he goes, everybody. This show is begun. I pulled a name out of the bucket. I'm going to get another one on deck here. Let's do it.

Starting point is 00:26:02 Your first comedian out of the bucket, that means anything can happen. We're gonna meet this person all together, mix with noise, 60 seconds uninterrupted. For Daniel Shepard, everybody, Daniel Shepard, our first bucket poll of the night. I've been having a lot of makeup sets lately with myself. I've been having a lot of makeup set lately with myself. I had to take a break from porn, but there was no point. That was my true calling. Nothing would work for me anymore though. I had to try no fat.

Starting point is 00:26:34 I was at the point where I was looking at a lot of like shit covered feet and whatnot. There's the only thing to get the ticker going, you know guys. Yeah, you know what's better than porn is the bra section at Walmart. The new iPhones these days, you can just crop the fat girl out really easily save it for later plenty of fat girl advertisements at Target especially like the big plus-size like mannequins

Starting point is 00:26:59 Yeah, if you like yeah come with me to Target sometime. Oh Yeah, that chicks 60 seconds. Jesus Christ I'm stupid Better than last time There it is that's a minute it is. That's a minute, right there. That's how long. That's a minute, yes. It's not good when you say 60 seconds, woof at 43 seconds.

Starting point is 00:27:33 Better than last time. What the fuck happened last time? I'm glad you don't remember. Oh yeah, we got, I got kicked off stage. Oh you did? Why? What did you do? I guess I was like being a dick and talking too much.

Starting point is 00:27:45 Oh, yeah. I could see how that would be. That's, yeah. All right. How long you been doing stand-up, Daniel Shepard? I'm on, like, my fourth year now. Fourth year? What?

Starting point is 00:27:54 Holy shit, dude. Why are you doing this? Still haven't mastered the minute. You still haven't. Yeah. Right. Year four, you're like, god, damn, this is a long set. 10 seconds a year. Wow.

Starting point is 00:28:10 Daniel, what's like the funniest thing you've ever said or done in your entire life? The joke that I did last time was my Netflix joke about my reaction. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, I asked you what the funniest thing you've ever said are done in your entire life was and you're going back to this Netflix joke that you did the first time that was worse than this one I fumbled it pretty badly last time I will say but that was one of my old reliable Okay, let's hear it. Let's hear it. How many do you think we should hear is old reliable joke? 40 years in the game. I have another old reliable No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, And then I do the one that we're talking about. That's super, that's it. Okay.

Starting point is 00:29:05 That's it. That's it. It is the old reliable joke that he can always count on that he flubbed at last time. Here he is, Daniel Shepard. So, now, Vlix and chilling with a girl one night. And all of a sudden, my family was crying on TV because my aunt had been murdered 30 years ago. I really

Starting point is 00:29:28 fucked this joke up. But wait, you already are reliable holy shit. Holy fuck. Dude, you got, bro, you got no sweat. But I wish I was your aunt. Yeah She's got more Netflix credits than I do, but she had to be on the confession killer Don't you do you normally get left laughter no like a chose yeah, no, he does not you're lying You're lying bro. You're a forehead. You got an any forehead That is you fucking David Lucas? Hey. You killed your aunt.

Starting point is 00:30:10 Um, illegal, I'm just- Was it your boring fucking set? If he wants to show, yeah. I killed her reputation. I know it wasn't you, because whoever did it could kill. Hey. Let's go. He's got a dead fucking aunt. What have done that,. Hey. Let's go.

Starting point is 00:30:25 He's got a dead fuck man. What have done that, dude? My answer is I'm doing my fucking rules. I love my, it. Daniel, what can we have to do to convince you to stop doing stand-up comedy here tonight? How do we turn this into a retirement party for you? Because this is...

Starting point is 00:30:44 It's a retirement party. Don't watch some people. They don't... They don't... Woo! You're clearly asleep. Did you fall asleep? Oh, sorry, I don't know.

Starting point is 00:31:00 No, he's on his phone. He's on his phone. He's... He's's like fun Joe Biden. He's scrolling. It's literally scrolling the bright part up. I'm using these days on their phone. Am I right guys? Shut up Daniel. You're not part of this thing. We just saw one of the worst performances ever in the history of the show.

Starting point is 00:31:28 Rick Flair, any advice for Daniel? Oh, no, that's Rick Flair. God, damn it. Fuck. God, damn it. I like you when it's done good if you knew. No. That one is worse.

Starting point is 00:31:38 God, damn it. What did you say? What did you think that was? You dead hair? He said that. There's something came to you about all your heroes. He was. You washing you, though, you know, I mean Got a hot enough on this

Starting point is 00:31:50 Yeah, thank you. No, yeah, you're a you're not really incredible. Thank you God, who would that person stand? Listen, fire, God. Whoa. Whoa. I want people to understand something. I'm here having fun, but as long as it's fun, it's fun. When it becomes something that I'm not comfortable with

Starting point is 00:32:21 and saying something bad, I don't do that. And in a minute, he goes that way, I'm out of here. Like sideways. He's all. He's all. What's that? What's going on? That was fun.

Starting point is 00:32:38 That was fun. That's fun. That's fun. That was by just Me Humors, but I will never, ever embarrass anybody or humiliate anybody. If that happens in the show, I'm out of here. You're not gonna do that. We're gonna do that.

Starting point is 00:32:56 No, no, you're the good news. No, no, because I'm out there with cops. I respect these people. Do you guys get it? You shouldn't. You have paid my, you have paid. You have made me who I am today. I'm not here to fuck anybody up. I laugh, a minute, one someone says something disrespectful to me or to you, I'm out of here. We're not going to be disrespectful to you.

Starting point is 00:33:27 We will make fun of these people outside of the house. No, I'm in service. No, we make fun of them. You guys are so nice. Look at me. Why can't you accept the word your nice people? Yeah, you know what? Do you know when people are bullied and hurt by comments? No, you get it?

Starting point is 00:33:57 It's like a social media has made the world crazy. I should have sent you an episode to watch before we make fun of people. Thank you Ric Flair. It's a good idea. I don't make fun of people. You don't have to. I'm hurt and leave in that one minute guys. No, don't leave.

Starting point is 00:34:17 I am. Don't leave, or I am. No, I am. No, I am uncomfortable with the format. I appreciate the opportunity. No, come on Ric. I will never ever. You did so bad, Rick. Oh my God.

Starting point is 00:34:31 Let's go. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey world that makes fun of people. I apologize. I'm not one of them. No you're good. You don't have to. I'm not apologize. I'm an unusually horrible. I will have fun but I won't make fun. Beautiful. We got shit covered. We've had this happen before. Good top bad. You're the good top. We've had this happen before. Good top bad. You're the good top. Daniel Shepherd is the bad comedian and we are the bad cops. Daniel, unbelievable performance tonight.

Starting point is 00:35:11 Best of luck to you in the future. There he goes. Daniel, chefs about five. That's about four years in the game. I mean, you can't even make it up. 45 seconds of material. What a night. All right, another bucket pool coming out. 45 seconds of material. What a night.

Starting point is 00:35:29 Alright, another bucket pool coming at you. 60 seconds uninterrupted from Ben Williams, everybody. Makes you my sort of Ben Williams, everyone. Come on one more time for Ben Williams, everybody. Here we go. Sorry I'm doing my mis-mokanow impression. I'm being Williams, man. I hope I'm funny. I know I'm ugly. I'm ugly, I'm broke, and would you guess I'm single? You know, now Ashley was in a relationship, you know, with a lady, she was 60 years old, you know. So, the things happened with you with a lady that's 60 years old, you know, like she's

Starting point is 00:36:16 brought you dick and you hear knees pop, you know. She's asking you questions like, did you pee today, You know? I swear, the first time we had sex, she got me $2,000 in the peppermint. You know? But you gotta leave her. You know, she's asking you if you did your show or something. And she said, and I'm like, hey, no more fucking insure for you, lady.

Starting point is 00:36:37 You know, I come from Galveston, and if you don't know where that's at, man, I like to say, it's a mixture between the Gilligan's Island and the Walking Dead, you know. Thank you, man, on Ben Williams. There you go. That was good. Ben Williams.

Starting point is 00:36:53 Absolutely incredible. Cheers. Amazing. Ben, welcome. First time on the show, correct? Yes, sir. Hell yeah. How long you been doing stand up?

Starting point is 00:37:02 I've been doing stand up for about five months now. Five months already. 10 times. Funny. Other than a guy that's been doing stand up? I've been doing stand up for about five months now five months already Ten times funnier than a guy that's been doing it for four years Unbelievable, I love it. I love the John Cena shirt is that because if you lean against a black wall we can't see you What do you do for work Ben? Oh, man I just been doing this man full of time man. For four months? Not now for four months. Ben is homeless.

Starting point is 00:37:29 I've been hit, yeah. For a, for a, um, a silent month, I've been here. Since you quit your job as a receiver for the Minnesota budget. Yeah. What did you, what did you, you weren't great in Captain Phillips? I'm the Captain now. Oh! Oh!

Starting point is 00:37:50 Ben, you're so likable. Tell us more about you. What do you do for fun? What else are you into? Oh, I'm in the music. I was actually a rapper before this. Oh, shit, real. Seriously, let's hear a bar.

Starting point is 00:38:02 Well, drop a bar, don't you? Here we go. Giving us a little bit of a sample of his rap. This is the Killtoni debut of Ben Williams. Yeah. Hey. OK. OK.

Starting point is 00:38:13 Lost the fitness hill with like Elba Baville, Thoughts of a jail sale, Tell my future feel well. These niggas be hating, but I don't kill because they say it. They be plotting to watch, and you know the devil be flacking. So hey, don't fly, but I don't kill about this shit. That's just material things man. I'm just trying to get rich I'm really fucking about health and you really worry about still I'm really worried about me this for my family treat and y'all feel All right Wow I said we'll put the tabbys down for put my glockin' into the dacha and you play around with me, you get tapped.

Starting point is 00:38:45 Wow, that was awesome. Oh! Hey! One of those magical moments. Yeah. What's the name of that song? Oh. Is it, uh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. No, no, no, no. The ring me up, right? The ring me up, right?

Starting point is 00:39:08 Oh. You got, you got, Lakers colors on. You're a good man. Oh, thank you, man. You a listen, Rick. You know, you, thank you. I appreciate that. I'm a favor, Rick.

Starting point is 00:39:19 You're wearing the Lakers colors, brother. No, yeah, man. I'm not the only shoe thing, guy, because they got their ass kicked last night. But... Yeah! You're a Laker, brother. Yeah, man, that's my favorite team. Huh? That's my favorite team.

Starting point is 00:39:35 I bought LeBron, the greatest of all time. Sorry, guys. I know. I can argue, I can argue. I know Michael, I love the jazz, but goddamn, LeBron is something I actually like. Guy, 21 years in the league. And he refuses.

Starting point is 00:39:55 He refuses to get older. I love that because I do too. Ben, give me an answer here, Wild. This night of your life, sexually. You're here with the legend, Rick Flair. This is my second time asking. The wildest time of my life, man, had to be with older chicks. She was dirty, man. I was at the time.

Starting point is 00:40:13 I was probably 19. And she taught me things that I probably learned still no to this day. It was fucking crazy. Like what? What you're saying is you're doing it. That was my first time. That was my first time doing. Hey, you're going to be pretty mature,

Starting point is 00:40:27 the regulation. Yeah. What did she teach you back? That was my first time doing anal. Yeah. And oh, what is it? And my first time in spring is working. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, she. If she was squirming her universe. That's not a good answer. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, she ever been the same? No, I haven't been the same.

Starting point is 00:40:53 I don't know. Oh my God, what kind of a retino exam is that? Ben, you're getting a big joke book. Congratulations. You did it. Here you go. Come book, congratulations, you did it. Here you go, it's coming out, you've been, here it comes. There it is. Ben Williams, making his Ben Williams, making his Filtoni debut.

Starting point is 00:41:16 On to the next one we go. We have a, is our golden ticket winner ready? Right, yes. Are you checking on that? Are you a real Belkinis? You're a real Belkinis.? Right? Yes? Are you checking on that? Are you a real belt artist? You're a real belt artist. Yes, absolutely.

Starting point is 00:41:28 There you go for a while. On that way, Ben. You keep going, right there. Yep. There you go. Okay. We're going to play with him. Yes.

Starting point is 00:41:37 Okay, perfect. Ladies and gentlemen, this person you're about to see, you haven't seen before, unless you were here last week. This is the newest golden ticket winner of the Killtony Universe, his second time ever on the show. The first time to protect our perks, boys, get to see him. Make some noise for Rick Diaz, everybody. Rick Diaz. I took the bus the other day and it was full. So I sat on a priority seat and nobody said

Starting point is 00:42:17 anything. Yeah, that's it. I took an online personality test. I failed. I looked like Rick and Morty. When I was a kid, I had an imaginary friend. I called him Dad. I never asked for consent. I never asked for consent. I beg for consent. This one time after a show, a lady came up to me and she got really close to me and she whispered right in my ear. She whispered, I want to dominate you.

Starting point is 00:43:06 And I was like, lady, it's gonna happen organically. My say for this, yes. Thank you very much. Rick Diaz. Does it again? On brand, self-deprecating. Welcome to the world of Rick Diazari Shafir. As a UMD graduate, I love a fellow Tarapin. Daddy looked like a turtle.

Starting point is 00:43:33 Yeah. So excited. Thank you. That was the joke. Don't mess with us. How you going to? How do you on it? When I was a kid, I got bit by a turtle.

Starting point is 00:43:42 I was slow. This is what he does Some time he manages away to He responds in joke that rules. Yes, he does Did it all last week as well? Rules Rick how has your week been you got here last week you immediately got on the show you want a golden ticket So it's been a great first week in Austin. It's been an amazing week. I've done a bunch of shows thanks to you and I haven't made

Starting point is 00:44:12 a single dollar, so. Yes, indeed. I didn't give you money after the show on Friday. No really? Or that story. Yes, what did hit you up? I didn't. Whoa, you definitely did. Hey, whoa, whoa. Don't feel bad. I got money for you. I got money for you. I'm talking about my room. I don't feel bad. Let's see if that works. I don't know what happened. Then the wire instructions are tomorrow. Ha ha ha. Rick, what else this week before I let you go? Yeah, some friends took me hunting.

Starting point is 00:44:51 Oh yeah, as the bait. You are so funny. It is unbelievable. You have such an incredible distinct voice of weakness. That's what my mother says. Guys, a machine. He's a fucking machine. There he goes.

Starting point is 00:45:17 Rick Diaz, everybody. Another great of rock for her form. Thank you, Ie Rick Diaz. Hell yeah. On to the next one we go. I pulled her to the name out of the bucket. You guys haven't fun out there? Make some noise for your next bucket.

Starting point is 00:45:34 Pulled Guy hurts. Everybody P-E-A-R-T-Guy PRs. Here he is. Here's Guy. Everybody 60 seconds uninterrupted for Guy. Oh, before I get my set started, I like to rattle everybody up. So if I can get all the white people in the crowd to repeat after me and say, ah, everybody else for Pete after me and say, ooh, that segregation, I fucking love that shit.

Starting point is 00:46:07 My name really is Guy, my mom decided to name me Guy, so that's what everybody calls me now. They call me Guy. My friend's family co-workers, everybody except my mom sometimes when she takes her pain pills and malt liquor, she really loves to call me gay. But no, I think it's pretty hard dating. I struggle with dating. I've tried everything you're supposed to try my age. I've tried the dating apps.

Starting point is 00:46:33 I've tried going out to the bars on the weekends. I've even tried getting in only fans. But none of it seems to work. And I'm getting to that point where I actually don't believe that there's anybody out there dumb enough to name their fucking daughter girl So I wouldn't marry that bitch All right, that's my time. All right

Starting point is 00:46:53 Definitely a lot of ooze and a's during that side Yeah Fuck son of a bitch you had one You had one shot, dude. This was it. I know. Fuck. Guy, this is your first time on the show.

Starting point is 00:47:11 How long you been on Standup Comedy? I've been doing it about three years. Where at? Fuck. I started it. Fuck. I started in New Orleans, and then when COVID hit I moved up the Dallas so. Okay. New Orleans, the home of Mark Norman.

Starting point is 00:47:31 Worst in Katrina. Yeah. What made you pick Dallas as your next destination? I know. I know. Now I went through Katrina when I was six actually. You what? I went through Hurricane Katrina when I was six. Okay, that's not the question I asked you at all. Oh, what made you move to Dallas?

Starting point is 00:47:52 I want to bat him with a big D-minus. Alright. Okay, I was in the National Guard for six years and I didn't get the COVID vaccine, so they kicked me out and I just started over in Dallas. What made you pick Dallas? Well, I got into being a stockbroker when they sent me home from the army. I had $300 to my name.

Starting point is 00:48:16 So I traded in the stock market and I made about 10,000 and I just kind of got a new start in Dallas. Okay. Wait, wait, no, I'm interested. What did you do exactly? So, okay, so you had to be 100. Yeah. You got 10,000.

Starting point is 00:48:31 All right, let's talk. Get him a chair real quick. If I say anything more, I'm going to have to charge you for financial advice, Ari. Whoa. That's lightning words for a Jew. This is like the Wolfstein steam of wall street over here. This is incredible.

Starting point is 00:48:49 Guy, what do you do for fun? You seem like a real bag of vanilla dough. Yeah, I'm a real big bag of vanilla dough. I'm a wrestling coach for a high school in Dallas, and I do Giu Giu Gitsu as well. OK. I'm thinking if I could just commentate on one of these upcoming stage cage fights,

Starting point is 00:49:08 I could kind of be like Joe Rogan. Yeah, you totally get the personality for it. Ugh, yeah. No, it's great. Have you ever commentated on anything before? No, no, I haven't commentated on anything before. And based on how this is going. Oh my God, this is so fucking boring holy shit

Starting point is 00:49:26 right flake you please tell us a story uh... uh... you are here with rick. You are a wrestling coach. How does it feel to have a performance like that in front of Ric Flair? Fuck. No, hey. Actually, be honest with you.

Starting point is 00:49:57 I respect that very much. My son was a great amateur wrestler. And this is why I'm going to make this. This is why, come here guys. This is why I'm leaving after I say this. No, no, no, no, sorry, sorry, no, no. No, no, I have more respect for people that take their time to support any youthful athletic event. By someone the great amateur wrestler, he died of a heroin overdose.

Starting point is 00:50:37 And to the end of the year, I don't know, I'm over that. But anybody that could take a time away from their life to support kids and make them better because I can tell you right now from personal experience and because I believe in my heart. It's your head Asian pussy. I guess that's funny. What are the ages of the people that you're coaching guy? It's high school age, so ninth grade. Rick, don't leave. Are you really leaving Rick? Don't do it. Oh no. We're allers, Rick. We lost Rick Flair, everybody.

Starting point is 00:51:24 I love you, Rick. Thanks for doing this. I'll see you afterwards. No, you're good. You're good. You love you. Make some noise for Ric Flair, everybody. Come on. Thank you all for all the respect. I will never sign up to make fun of people that donate their time. I won't. Oh, I look forward to God. I respect you all and thank you for coming out. I can have fun. I will never make fun of time of people that donate their personal time to making children better. Rick Blair, everybody.

Starting point is 00:52:03 The legend. Good Blair, everybody. The legend, the nature boy. Kimmy are you seeing? You're sweet ass over here. Come on. Woo! Woo! The great Rick Blair. Can you make sure he gets wherever he needs to be?

Starting point is 00:52:19 That's right, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Yeah. Woo! Yeah. Which one of you motherfuckers played that music it was that that was That was the guy that was All right, okay, thank you Tony Rick has aler is a point.

Starting point is 00:52:47 This show is demeaning. It really is. It really is. It's fucking me, dude. I tried to warn him. I warned him. I warned him seven beers ago, which was the problem. I should have warned him right before.

Starting point is 00:52:58 The nature boy, there's no nature in here. You need to go next, motherfucker. This show is chaos. Guy, what's the, what's the, what do you do for fun? Tell us anything about you that's not boring. Give us something interesting, though, that we would be surprised to know about you guy. Yeah, I do jiu jitsu about. We already know that guy. Yeah, Jesus. Yeah, no, for fun. Oh, there goes the black guy now, too. There we go.

Starting point is 00:53:33 Everybody's slowly leaving. This is like a reverse royal rumble. There goes Rick Flair and the number one spot. A black athlete and the number two. Every 60 seconds, another person leaves. We have a young Roman Reigns here ready to go at any point okay Tony's mad at me come on up no I'm not let's not make that the theme we have a format on the show I wasn't making fun of it so much I feel like we were mild you know when he he even knows? You know what he really did. You remember this? I even moved to the piano guy room. The piano guy, definitely moved to the piano guy room. Let's do the piano guys.

Starting point is 00:54:09 Let's do the war room. We need forward here. I'm the boss. We're moving forward. That's a legend. Tomacum's who has faced like that awesomely on Adelaide. Yeah, he was just talking about his dead son. Oh my God.

Starting point is 00:54:25 We are torching bridges here today. I think that podcast is never gonna be rescheduled at this pace. His son died 20,000. He ended up being awesome. Okie dokie. All right. Okie dokie. All right.

Starting point is 00:54:43 Guy, you will always be known as the guy that was on this stage when Rick Flair laughed. There was a lot of moments where it almost happened. Job guy. Don't make a big deal about coaching kids and wrestling next time. That really fucked everything up. Here's a little joke, but there you go. Guy, hurt everybody. Oh my god.

Starting point is 00:55:03 Alright. We're moving forward, onward and upward. We have another regular on the show, ladies and gentlemen. This guy is an absolute fucking shooting star. To go over for David Lucas two months ago and somehow is making one of the biggest impacts in the history of the show. This is a new 60 seconds from Cam Patterson, everybody. Oh, man. There you go.

Starting point is 00:55:28 So my life being crazy, so I got a therapist. Thank you, white women. Thank y'all for letting that shit out. I really need it one. Because you like just yelling the mirror. You were fucking, you inventing that shit. I really need it one. Cause you like just yelling the mail. Like you were fucking thinking you gonna die. I don't help. I don't help at all.

Starting point is 00:55:50 I don't have it all. So I got a therapist, but we don't get shit done. Cause she pretty. So I just be lying to this bitch. Like she's like, what's your biggest problem? My dick too big. That's a big issue for me. One way is down to like, my dick weighs me down.

Starting point is 00:56:07 Oh, that's pretty cool. You know, I wear this to put like, gas in it, it hurts to, it's real hard to put fucking gas in the boot got it, bitch. You know what I'm saying? That's damn that impossible. There you go. Damn Patterson.

Starting point is 00:56:24 Oh, gas in and Bugatti. Shane? Huh. Pretty, you keep it rocks here, fucking brain, too? Ha-ha-ha. I'm telling you. Look at that shit hurt, please. My bad, my bad, my bad.

Starting point is 00:56:41 You're the bad. You can play A. What is the abbreviate flavor? My feelings hurt, man. I'm like, three ricks left in the air, my fucking feelings. You bitch. You bitch and shit, you know that. My bad, my bad, my bad, my bad.

Starting point is 00:56:54 I'm a rock, don't pretend. I'm playing, that's a joke. Hey, shut up, compared to fucking R&B, he sounds like Neil deGrasse Tyson up here. Yeah. This nigga fat. What's going on? Oh, that's fat nigga talk.

Starting point is 00:57:16 That's bullshit. I don't need roast people. That's all I got. What's up? Hey, what's up? Hey, what's up? Hey, what's up? Hey, what's up? Hey, what's up?

Starting point is 00:57:28 Hey, what's up? Hey, what's up? Hey, what's up? Hey, what's up? Hey, what's up? Hey, what's up? Hey, what's up? Hey, what's up?

Starting point is 00:57:35 Hey, what's up? Hey, what's up? Hey, what's up? Hey, what's up? Hey, what's up? Hey, what's up? Hey, what's up? Hey, what's up?

Starting point is 00:57:43 Hey, what's up? Hey, what's up? Hey, what's up? Hey, what's up? Hey, what's up? Hey, what's up? Whiteest meat blackest blackest meat white Keep in the head cam patterns and another new minute from cam are you this is your first time seeing I'm my first time by second time. Yeah, rushes it man. I know his uncle. We've hung out. We've drank together. Oh, yeah You're you're employing her now. Yeah, that's fucking cool didn't know that till last night. That was fucking awesome. Yeah, don't a foot with it let I don't look for me Oh shit, she's not a yes Oh my god Very dragged you look who you said whatever your dad's here to pick you up. Wait, she met you before. All right.

Starting point is 00:58:25 I'm talking to bitches, man. Yeah. We talked to bitches right now, man. Get this fat nigga out of here. Man, I'm gonna talk to the old. Whoa. Whoa. Be patient.

Starting point is 00:58:37 He's a cock blocker and an artery blocker. That's fucking right. Hold on a second, because I'm interested in this. Can you let that be from Rick Flair? We're nice to each other up here. Nice, sucker. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hold on a second because I'm interested in this. You like that lead from Rick Flair, we're nice to each other up here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, she did agree that you guys have met. What were you about to say there?

Starting point is 00:58:53 Put the mic in front of her mouth so it gets on the podcast. Met in Chicago. Oh. Oh, yeah. She's got that. Got him. You liked one of my friends. It wasn't me.

Starting point is 00:59:05 Wow. Oh. Wow. I'm a love friend. She's not here, he's gonna fuck about her. I like both of you bitches, where you talking about? Where you talking about? You good?

Starting point is 00:59:18 I'm sorry. I apologize. Wow. I like it to say to this okay. Good to see you, get here see you, good to see you. You were at the Chicago Theater? Unbelievable. Look at that.

Starting point is 00:59:29 You were at the Chicago Theater. But a buck was coming. Oh, that joke. He's killing it. He was seeing Hamilton. He was seeing Hamilton. He was selling boot like t-shirts outside of it. I was.

Starting point is 00:59:45 Who was that leave it to? He actually sells rocks after his show. Get some at no cost. No actual rocks. That real rocks, nigga. Look at that. Oh, rock. Oh, nice.

Starting point is 00:59:59 I want to throw it out to the crowd, but I feel like it's going to be a loss to you. Yeah, don't do that. You know, it's okay. That's a good move. This fucking guy. Just skip it off a three-chick card, no. This guy gets all the credit.

Starting point is 01:00:11 I'm gonna take it off. Alright, Cam, anything else crazy happened this week before we get you up and out of here? What else is going on in this world? He tried to steal Mark Norman's head. I did. I'll try to... Give it to him. Thank you. Keep in the head. Nice aim, but doing shit to stand up and let's say I'm trying to work it to him. Thank you. Keep in the hat.

Starting point is 01:00:25 Nice aim, but doing shit, stand up and I'll say I'm trying to work on you in no minutes, shit like that. I love it. Here you go. Okay, white bitches, is that still the thing? Oh yeah, I'm a little white bitches. Yep. Okay, in that case, everything is happening right on schedule.

Starting point is 01:00:41 Okay, thank you, Beetlejuice. I love that. Okay, thank you, Beetlejuice. I love that. Jesus, fucking prize. Yeah, we got a big ear. Say it in three times. Look out. Jesus, fucking prize. All right. Cam, another fun minute. Congratulations. There you go.

Starting point is 01:00:58 Cam Patterson, everybody. On to the next one. We go back to the bucket polls, back to the chaos. The machine is running and it's fully operational. Make some noise for your next comedian out of the bucket. 60 seconds uninterrupted going to Egan Robinson. Everybody, Egan Robinson. Egan Robinson.

Starting point is 01:01:20 Egan Robinson. Here he is. Egan Robbins. Here he is. Egan everybody. We're here together for Egan Robbins. Thank you. Thanks. So I get spine surgery last year. Just kind of a bummer. But I think the worst part about having a spine surgery, my 20s, is that now girls blow my back out during sex, you know, like my leg will start shaking and she's like, did you just finish? No, that's my sciatica acting

Starting point is 01:01:54 up, but I am done. We're not continuing. I'm spasming. That's my safe phrase. But yeah, I've been dating. Oh, we got drinks with this girl recently. And afterwards, we went back to my place. What up? Eventually, we started making out, but in the middle of it, she cut me off to tell me, I just want you to know, I don't fuck in the first date.

Starting point is 01:02:24 And so then I said, well, what about the last date? We're never gonna see each other again. There you go. 60 seconds of stand-up comedy from beginning to end for Egan Robinson. An actual performance. Unbelievable. How are you, Egan? I'm doing well. How are you? Fantastic. How long you been on stand-up?

Starting point is 01:02:47 Four and a half years. Where at? I was in LA for four years and then I moved here in April. What made you move here? I just... I didn't like the scene in LA that much. Tell us why you didn't like it. A lot of these people that watch the show or die hard stand-up comedy fans. Not enough 90s grunge. Not enough 90s grunge. And then, being where I'm at in my career, it just there weren't a lot of shows to get. It felt very transactional.

Starting point is 01:03:14 Like, you would only get both on something if you had a TV credit. Did it feel like a world was a vampire? Yeah. Yeah, it felt like a smashing pumpkin song. Did you spend a lot of time standing outside of a convenience store with your silent friend? I mean, two people talked at one string, that's a.

Starting point is 01:03:35 Did Jeremy speak in class? Oh. I don't know that reference. Sorry. Okay. I'm sorry. What do you do for fun, Egan? Nothing that interesting. I mean, I watch anime, I work out.

Starting point is 01:03:55 No. I watch anime and work out. You're just describing a school shooter. Hey, look at how you're going to shoot up a frat. I was in one, so, but they got out without shooting anyone, so that's good. Hell yeah, bro. You watch anime and you work out. That is the weirdest fucking combination I've ever heard.

Starting point is 01:04:19 It's weirdly like, that's a lot of the guys we'll see in the gym now are like, anime dorks that are also jacked. What? Did you go to a gay gym? I do, I do, I do, I do go to gold. You work at a bathhouse. 24 hours shitness. That's a real shitness.

Starting point is 01:04:37 Rick Flair really fucked up the rhythm of this rhythm. Jesus Christ. We can all watch if you wanted so much better, was it? No, no. No, it's not. Not one. Rick Flair was here telling weird stories. The Rick Flair song.

Starting point is 01:04:57 Yes. Yes it was. Rick Flair song. Rick Flair song. Oh, OK. Thank you, guys. Come on. It's good. It's not good. It's okay. Thank you guys. That was good. His son got out easily.

Starting point is 01:05:08 He's so disappointed. How much is the socks? I wanted the loving. I wanted the loving. Yeah, I wanted it. Everyone who was like, I have fun, don't meet your hands. You know?

Starting point is 01:05:18 All right. Okay, look at this. On this podcast. Okay. Hi, yippee! Egan, tell us something crazy about your life. It's about these people out of the bucket. Yeah, it's about these people.

Starting point is 01:05:31 So, some crazy owner right now, I haven't come in 56 days. Whoa! Whoa! Someone's about to fucking, uh, whatever, a buffalo. Sure. I could explode. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Starting point is 01:05:44 Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Whatever a buffalo I could explode. Sure. I was gonna get your expense. It was gonna shampoo a buffalo. Do you remember when Rick learned? Oh, right, right, right. You ever had Asian pussy? No. What is the purpose of this lack of comma? It's called a semen retention. I've been retaining my semen.

Starting point is 01:06:11 It's like my life energy, so I've been trying to conserve it. What a f***. Yeah, thank you. What's more common side of it? I mean, I haven't. Yeah, good, that shit out. Lewis Gale Mads. It's even. It's hilarious.

Starting point is 01:06:31 You gotta get come out of you at all times, dude. Come inside, it is gay. It is pretty gay. I'm full of come technically. It is really gay. I mean, you are, you have 57 days worth of common side of you. It is incredible. What are you planning on doing with all of this comma?

Starting point is 01:06:49 Shooting it on a guy's back. Just, I don't know. Just, I'm going to keep going. I'm going to keep retaining. Why? Is that, that nausea? Thank you. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:06:59 Why? What's your point of that? I also recently been going to church a lot more in the, Oh, no. Jesus Christ. Jesus like a sin so I'm trying to not to sin as much like I got a church Catholic I got a Catholic church yeah let's go yeah how dare you cast stones at my man right now? How dare you do these following the fucking light dude the one true God Catholic God Catholic God you fucking Southern weird freaks real shit Come on to the let's go make sense

Starting point is 01:07:38 Make that just my brother Makes perfect sense Jesus has been waiting to come for a long time too You guys keep talking like this he might show up And my guess is today. You're a genius, bro. What in your God is today? God, damn it. Son of a bitch.

Starting point is 01:08:17 Son of a bitch. He's the testifying. Crucifyin. Egan, congratulations. He's the testifying, crucifying! Egan, congratulations, that was a good set. You're getting a big joke book from Bones Island. Thank you for your good show. You're getting a joke last year. Egan over here, here it comes.

Starting point is 01:08:35 Egan, there you go. Egan. Egan, Egan, Egan. Egan. Wow., egan, egan. Wow. What did we learn today? Is that if you don't come to our 50 days, you can't catch anything. Hold another name out of the bucket. You guys hanging in there, huh?

Starting point is 01:09:03 Make some noise for your next bucket hole. Brendan McKamey. Brendan McKamey. You have to put your hands together. I just got into e-commerce. I'm the only fans manager for big bitches called Weight Watchers. All our proceeds go to their pantry. I think Wizzo should change her name to Big O. That bitch is fat as fuck. I see a lot of depressed lesbians. I have a solution. They should need some dick. I heard white man can't jump is making a sequel. It's rumored to be called Black People Can't Swim.

Starting point is 01:09:54 I noticed the one community that isn't going trans is the autistic community. Like even the retards are smart enough not to cut their own fucking dick off. the one community that isn't going trans is the autistic community. Like even the retards are smart enough not to cut their own fucking dicks off. That is a minute. That is a full minute from Brendan and Mikami, everybody. Congratulations Brendan. Congratulations, Brandon. Rock, Salt, and Set. It's crazy.

Starting point is 01:10:29 It's crazy the difference between you and the last guy is just the power of Christ. I mean, the power of Christ, that's what we're all here for. You fell over the way that darkness talked about retards, cut the dicks off dude. Simple, simple shit, dude. This is, Jesus is misbehaving son out here, just trying to disappoint his father. Brendan, how old are you? 22.

Starting point is 01:10:54 How long you been doing stand up? Four months. Four months, 22. Look at that. One of the best sets of the night, the youngest of the night, and tied for the newest of the night. That's incredible, the youngest of the night, and tied for the newest of the night.

Starting point is 01:11:07 That's incredible, Brandon. You start here in Austin? I actually work at the Addison Improv. I started there. Oh, nice. Yeah, great comedy club. Well, dude, he's really, dude, four months, twenty-two years old. Like, those were really legitimately good jokes.

Starting point is 01:11:18 You were fucking comfortable, dude. All these other guys were trembling up there. I was great. I'm really impressed, dude. That was like legitimately dope. Definitely nervous, dude. Very good. Yeah, you did. You did. You did. guys with trembling up there was great I'm really impressed dude that was like legitimately dope very good fucking Hans Kim

Starting point is 01:11:30 he should challenge Hans Kim dude well better than Hans Kim this is the next guy fuck fuck okay we got him thank you we don't have to, like, kill time on this podcast, guys. Asian, hey, Asian.

Starting point is 01:11:49 All right. So wait, how long have you been running a cult? Okay. Okay, Brandon, what do you do for fun? What else other than stand up comedy and working in Addison? A week for a math. No, I'm actually in recovery. I have a year and five months.

Starting point is 01:12:09 Yeah, okay. Okay. Sure, you'd be about to move Austin and rewrap you. I'm on your head right now. You're in five months? Five months. What was your big drug? A year and five months.

Starting point is 01:12:21 What was your big drug? Yeah, Perkis says. Perkis said you fucking fruit. That's terrible, then the guy that retunes is come. That's nuts. Okay, let's do this one beat at a time here. How many Perkisets did you get up to? How bad did it get? I was only taking like three a day. It wasn't that bad. The worst it ever got was 15 a day.

Starting point is 01:12:42 That's a fun fucking day, though, right? Yeah, yeah. Fuck yeah. That was a good day, dude. 15 perks. The only part that I actually enjoyed was getting them and then doing them, driving home and listening to music. But other than that, it was shit.

Starting point is 01:12:59 Yeah, that's your rules. That's one of the best things in the world. What's your purpose? What's your purpose? Is this guy's gonna do it? Uh, this guy's gonna do it. Uh. This guy's gonna relapse you mentally right now. Anything, anything by Juice World?

Starting point is 01:13:10 Anybody what? Juice World. Juicey World? Juicey World. Juicey World. That's all the fucking old idiot world. Ahahahahahahahah. Wait, you listen to Juice World and took perks?

Starting point is 01:13:20 Yes sir. That's very funny. I still see your shadows in my teeth. I can't replace you. I'm telling you. I'm telling you. I'm telling you. So, Bryce does smoke.

Starting point is 01:13:35 There you go. Oh, wow. Okay. There you go. I don't know. I mean. I'm ready to jump. I'm ready to jump.

Starting point is 01:13:43 I'm ready to jump. Yeah, this is. It's all happening right in front of our eyes right now. No, I'm never going back. So what are you addicted to now, Brendan? What else? Just a lot of open mics. I play Fortnite. I got a girlfriend.

Starting point is 01:14:00 I kind of all socks compare to perks, right? Yeah. All that shit sounds shitty compared to perks in Juice World. No, starting comedy was way better than the perks, so. No way, comedy sucks. Dude, I wish I was doing perks, so this is Juice World right now. Ha ha ha ha ha. Fucking, who's got perks in here?

Starting point is 01:14:20 Yeah! Me and Shane! Yeah, Shane are doing perks tonight! I've never done them, but I'll do them with you, dude! Wow! That book, yeah. A year and five months down the drain, thanks to Christian Shane Gillis here,

Starting point is 01:14:40 follower of God. I do love God, dude, shut up. Ha ha ha. God invented perks. Ha ha ha. That is true. I'm the fucking, on the eighth day. On the eighth day. That's why he was sleeping, dude.

Starting point is 01:14:54 Ha ha ha. He rested. Ha ha ha. Brandon, tell us about this girlfriend. Where did you find her at? So I actually worked at Hyena's Dallas. Okay. And she worked at the place right next door.

Starting point is 01:15:15 She worked at the movie theater. Oh yes, there is. The Angelica. You worked at the Mockingbird Lane Hyenas. Yeah. How long did you work there for? Like a year? Okay. What made you move

Starting point is 01:15:25 to Addison Improv? I got fired. What did you get fired for? By the great Randy, the very famous club owner, Randy, very famous in Dallas. So, I relapsed, but I checked myself into a rehab or not mental institution, but like a place to get clean at a detox center. Yeah. And then I told my manager and he was like, okay, do your thing. And when I got out, I didn't have a job. Oh, that's fucked up.

Starting point is 01:15:52 Yeah. That's cool. You can't relapse a perk is that anymore? Yeah. That's the keeper's job. Fuck him, Democrats, dude. Thank you. Yeah, that's a fun thing.

Starting point is 01:16:04 It is. By the way, that's a It is That's the most fireable fence. That's his version of the story You know there was like so much more to it right before he checked himself in he stole three things The only advice per cassette That is that does bring up a great point. How did you acquire all these per cassettes? So and what was the worst thing you ever did to get some? Ooh. Oh.

Starting point is 01:16:27 A hush. Back to that. Honestly, I didn't do anything bad. Like, I was responsible and paid for my own drugs. I did this thing called favor. And you talking about the delivery driving app? So I did favor? That's not what I was expecting.

Starting point is 01:16:46 I thought you were gonna like suck some dips and stuff. No fuck that. Yeah, man. Are you at the rehab, dude? This is the soft shit. I was the worst. You had to work in a job was the worst thing you've done. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:16:56 Jesus Christ, the Ric Flair son would be really disappointed in you right now. Ha! You son of a bitch. Take a zippx toothpick and put it in your mouth and shut the fuck up, this dick on my mouth. Zippx toothpicks. Zit more smoke less. It's sundyte of heroin. That might be a good point actually. You should try these zippx toothpicks to keep you sober. Have some of those. That's a good thing

Starting point is 01:17:25 We have to give those out. They're coming with heroin. Oh, yeah Have you tried other drugs? Um, I did coke, but I didn't like you. You think coke? No, I said I did coke, but I like it I had a little zan phase. Okay, sure. I see I So I'm sorry grandma, but I did take Zanz from you. I'm sorry. Oh She here no She's dead she's not she walked off the podcast they have an hour There he is

Starting point is 01:18:07 Amico midnight Spook Show. Brendan, congratulations. You had a really good set. This is a big joke book from Bones Eye. You're legal with a Joe Blaster official sponsor of Piltzone. There goes Brendan McKamey, everybody. All right. All right, well, here we go. Sonya, there goes Brendan McKamey, everybody. All right. All right, well, here we go. On and on we go. Big soons for your next bucket pool.

Starting point is 01:18:33 60 seconds on interrupted for Avery Carpenter. Avery Carpenter. There he is, Avery Carpenter. All right, What's up? Man, I just had the weirdest interaction. I was taking a piss next door at the bar, and this guy next to me at the urinal, he looks over. He goes, hey, man, that's a nice stream he got there.

Starting point is 01:19:01 That's a strong stream. Let's get a big old wiener on ya, huh? It's got a big ol' hog on ya, huh? I was like, thanks, but no. It's a secret is I think it's just a tiny pee hole. Yeah, it's like a pressure washer down there, you know? I remember one time this girl asked me to pee on her. I was like, are you sure?

Starting point is 01:19:26 It's gonna break skin. Yeah. Yeah. If our Kelly had my dick, he'd be in jail for war crimes. But like a minor one, you know? Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:19:47 Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I've been trying to date dating stuff. This girl just told me I fuck like a youth pastor. I said no way. My youth pastor used to tell me the same thing. All right. I did your statement.

Starting point is 01:20:02 Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Ah! Avery Carpenter. Hey, Mark, how weird is it seeing someone do your cadence right to you? It did well. How many marks? You can catch up streaming everywhere.

Starting point is 01:20:21 Avery Carpenter, you're killed, Sony debut, right? Yep. First time. Thank you for having me. Thank you for having me. How long you been doing stand up? Two years. Two years.

Starting point is 01:20:33 Two years. Where at? All here. All here. I'm from Atlanta, but I moved out here and started here pretty much. Oh my god. Now I can't unhear the Mark Norman Holy shit. Yeah, I know this.

Starting point is 01:20:41 I don't hear it. That's not what I'm talking about. I don't know. That's what I'm talking about. That's not what I'm talking about. That's not what I'm talking about. That's not what I'm talking about. That hear it. I don't know what do you That's how I tell I like I'm gonna kill myself I'm just good was a good set. Thank you Mark. Appreciate it. I'm a fan I'm just kidding, it was a good set. Thank you, Mark. Appreciate it. I'm a fan. So what do you do for work out here? Well, I'm in sales, but I just got fired on

Starting point is 01:21:17 I Yeah, I got I got fired from my other job Yeah, I'll get fired Yeah, I got fired on June 10th. Uh-oh. Yeah Endword. Yeah, I say my black ass you forget what One of these comedy comedy I love it. The Killtony debut of Shark Norman. Avery, what do you do for fun?

Starting point is 01:21:54 You seem like a real fucking bore. Oh, what the hell? I'm a crippling gambling addiction, sports gambling. What type of sports are you gambling on football mainly baseball yeah okay pretty sick I'm okay you know I don't I'm about even you know I don't lose money but it's pretty good every gambler says I'm down right now but I'm gonna win it back. Maybe that was your whole bad. Guys, win it all back.

Starting point is 01:22:28 You got to always win it all back. At TSI, you guys, 50% off. He's probably going to scanks right now. We'll do. What's your love life like? What kind of pillow did you draw something on that you sleep next to? It's bad, as you can imagine. Yeah, it's not good.

Starting point is 01:22:44 Do you guys have any advice maybe? All right, I'm gonna change everything. Okay. Do you go on dates? Yeah, sometimes what's your last what was your last date like? I Went on a date with this Latino chick Yeah, from what? Next big it. Very nervous. How was she?

Starting point is 01:23:13 Bad, horrible. Oh, racist. She, better, it was on Bumble. That means now also in Spanish. Bumble, I show up. I show up horrible teeth, her teeth are just jagged, a shark's teeth, everywhere. Okay, and then what happened? Horrible.

Starting point is 01:23:33 And then we had sushi, and we didn't connect, and I drove her home and left, that was it. What was the last thing that you said? I don't know. I was. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. left that was it what was the last thing that you said? This is getting weird I got to rethink my whole image Give her you ever think about stabbing Mark So be that one mark drinking is going to be consuming him And if you kill him, you'd be the most important thing in his entire life.

Starting point is 01:24:07 Would I get his powers? Yeah, but you ever think about that? Like if somebody like you, like if I kill you, I'm the most important thing that ever happened to you. So I should kill you. You'd be the last part of his Wikipedia. Mark, would you put your hat and glasses on him real quick? No.

Starting point is 01:24:24 I didn't tell him. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, sure, I'm a big fan of all you guys honestly. Yeah! Even loose! That's very good. But let's face it, Mark. Dude, hold on, what's, what's loose as middle initial? Jay. Oh, there you go, dude. Wow. That's just not loose. That's so, this root, you get Jay for fucking juice layer, bitch. Whoa.

Starting point is 01:24:57 I think you were gonna say juice. It's too word, it's too word, so I don't know how to make sense. What's the creepiest thing you've ever done, Avery? The creepiest thing? Yeah, come on. Just be honest with us for a second here. Just really. Just a guy from Two-A-Go and change into another shirt.

Starting point is 01:25:11 Okay, there you go. How about the question I asked? Yeah. Avery. Creepiest thing about you or that you've ever done. One time I was in New Orleans and I looked out my hotel window. There's a couple across. Is this one a Mark Norman story? No. and look out my hotel window. There's a couple across.

Starting point is 01:25:27 Is this one a Mark Norman story? No. Okay, go ahead. There's a couple across in the other hotel and they're just having sex. I watched the whole thing. I watched for probably 20 minutes. That was me!

Starting point is 01:25:39 I watched the whole thing. But they wanted you to watch. That's why the window was there. Right, both. Yeah, exactly. That's what you were supposed to do. That's why the window was there. Right, both. Yeah, exactly. I think that's what I watched. That's what you were supposed to do. That's the shirt of a guy who watches people fucking a hotel. That is true. It does.

Starting point is 01:25:51 It looks like you just grabbed the curtains and wrapped them around you and walked out. That answers the official sneaker of a guy who watches people through a hotel. You guys both win these houses? No, these are car hosts. So they're what? They're car-hoo?

Starting point is 01:26:04 Car-hoo. Yeah, it's some European shit. Okay, dokey. Every congratulations, you got pulled out of the bucket fun times. Here you go, that's a medium joke buck. Oh, there you go, that was your one chance. It goes to whoever in the audience gets it now. Folks, there you go.

Starting point is 01:26:23 Yeah, here's another one, there you go. Shane Gillis. Going peak. Big man, small bladder. You guys having fun out there still? It's been a long night. Should we be going? Alright, we're going to get our first female comedian up here. Took me a long time to pull for this, everybody.

Starting point is 01:26:52 Put your hands together for the one and the only Stephanie Cargo, everybody. Oh, that's great. You can go for it. Guys, she's from the inside, actually. I forgot the mention. Oh, this could be her right here. There's a little eye next to their name. Guys, she's from the inside actually, I forgot to mention. Oh, this could be her right here. There's a little eye next to their name.

Starting point is 01:27:09 So it's one of your own people. Usually it's pretty interesting when they're on the inside. It means that they're here randomly, usually a first time or anything can happen. You get it. Make some noise with Stephanie Cargill, everybody. Here she is. Come on in. It's her. Hey! Alright, man.

Starting point is 01:27:39 Alright, hi. What are we doing? Yay! Well, I have six kids. Two of them are biological. The other four think that I'm Satan or just the bitch that's been fucking their dad for the last seven years. Yeah, I know. I mean, it is what it is, right?

Starting point is 01:27:56 So I am divorced. I'm married a red-headed man to have red-headed babies. Nobody was more disappointed than me at the birth of my children. I had two normal pretty babies. So disappointed that I divorced him six months after the birth of my youngest. Yeah, I mean, you know. So I worked for an online boutique. I do a little bit of everything, shipping, receiving. So I got a new position.

Starting point is 01:28:17 I was very excited to go home and tell him about my new position. He got home and I told him I get to be the new fit model. And he looked at me as a student. And I was very excited to go home and tell him about my new position. He got home and I told him I get to be the new fit model. And he looked at me with the stupidest fucking look and he said, why, you're not fit. So I had to explain to this 320-pound fat fuck of a man that I love very much that a fit model is basically somebody who tries on clothes. Okie dokie. Stephanie Cargill. And I say that right, or is it Gargill?

Starting point is 01:28:47 Gargill or Cargill? Cargill? Cargill, top right into the tip of that mic, Stephanie. It's first time doing. It's so loyal. Yes. What? I said it's pronounced Gargill.

Starting point is 01:28:58 Okay, there you go. This is the lady for Xlair was gonna fuck tonight. Ha ha. All right. Oh. Maybe he said it would be rich if he died on fucking night. Ha ha. Alright. Maybe. He said it would be rich if he died on top of me, so. Yes, I think he would die if you were on top of him, Stephanie.

Starting point is 01:29:12 So let's talk about it. This is your first time trying stand-up comedy. It is. Absolutely. If you would have said fucking four years, I was gonna blow my brains out. It was absolutely horrendous, even for a first-time appearance, but somehow you are still one of the funniest females in all of comedy right now. She's the marvelous Mrs. Meh. So let's get into it. What made you want to start here tonight?

Starting point is 01:29:42 Well, we just got into your show a little while back. I'm all about full experience all the way. So let's fucking do it. Okay. Alright. Who's we? My boyfriend. Oh, did he prepare a minute too? He actually did. Really? What's his name? Justin. Justin. He signed up up into that name? Yes. Okay, you guys think we should get our boyfriend up here? Yeah! Mixing noise, 60 seconds on.

Starting point is 01:30:15 Uninterrupted for Justin Hendrick, everybody. Let's see who's better tonight. Oh shit, look at this guy. Oh, wow. He's a big boy. Stay up here, wow. He's a big boy. Stay up here, Stephanie. Look at this sweet little brother, sister combination we have here. Here he is.

Starting point is 01:30:37 Oh, shit. Here we go. All right. Just a hint trick, everybody. Alright, just a hint of trick everybody. Alright, just a hint of trick everybody. Alright, probably not gonna be much better than her. You can do it. I didn't realize how old 40 is until I got super excited the other day about a new flavor of thumbs.

Starting point is 01:30:59 I, uh, also not great with like online dating. I got catfish three times by the same motherfucker. That Chris Hanson's a tricky bitch. I, uh, my old age has also made me stubborn. Uh, like if I go to shake your hand and I'm ready to dab and you want to shut, I'm just going to fucking do it. You're going gonna have to change your ways. Unless it's a black guy. I'm not fucking that up again. I've lost three drug dealers for shaking hands like a NARC. Victoria's Secret has a down syndrome model now. Won't be long before they spread

Starting point is 01:31:47 off into the porn world. Titles like, uh, face down. Ah, fuck. Ass up, faces down. God, damn it, I fucked it up. I fucked it up. I'm nervous, I'm super nervous. That's great. Justin, you did it. You killed for a minute. So I'm believing. Unbelievable. What a twist. You did everything right. You lowered the bars. Soon as you got up here saying you're probably not gonna do much better than her, which was absolutely fucking terrible. Yeah, terrible. And you tricked us all because you had stuff prepared. You just got let it out of your system You seem like a natural entertainer. This is your first time first time to even speak into a microphone

Starting point is 01:32:34 David that's your girlfriend. You're my lady. Yeah, you're lady. You think she was more proud of you or ashamed of herself She's proud of me. I guarantee it She only did this honestly She only did it because we've seen the show so much and we know how it happens. Sometimes. She got me up here. Right?

Starting point is 01:32:51 No doubt about it. It did work out. I'm proud of her for that. I was saying, you were great. You fucking killed it. You should never do this again. That was crazy. I mean, on a whole other level, that was fucking nuts.

Starting point is 01:33:02 And I had more tags. No more tags. You were great. You fucking the last show. You was fucking nuts. And I had more tags. No more tags, you were the right one. You were the retarded, right? You were the last show, you were nervous, though. It was a funny joke, even though you fucked it up, it was still a funny idea, and it was all good. I thought you were fucking great, dude.

Starting point is 01:33:13 Great. Thank you. Oh, yeah. Really funny. And also, also, you can do better than her. I gotta be honest with you. Oh, come on. What are you kidding? She's one of the top.

Starting point is 01:33:29 She's one of the top fortune tellers in Austin. What are you talking about? Dude, you're so funny and I just wanna thank you both for wearing the outfits you're gonna wear for your courtroom wedding. Better youth, you're looking good. I'm glad I'm not the fatest guy on stage. I gotta take.

Starting point is 01:33:51 Don't forget Red Man's ear, he's fat. That's true. Well Shane left too, so. I love it So do you say the year 40 years old? I'm 40 year 40? Holy shit, you look young and that Randy Moskid I look older what about the black guy you said he was 30 years I thought the fuck I thought that was 80 years old Why do you think you look older than 40? What happened in your life?

Starting point is 01:34:26 What have you seen? Oh, drugs. Drugs, what kind of drugs? Drugs, really on. What kind of drugs? What kind of drugs? What's your drug of choice? I'll put it like this.

Starting point is 01:34:34 I've never done crack. That's about it. All right. Okay. Everything else. Perkisets? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's pussy.

Starting point is 01:34:42 Yeah, still the worst thing he ever did for percassettes or for drugs What's the worst you ever did? Well I robbed a drug dealer with a BB gun Multiple times that's the worst thing. I like to say her. It's the best thing She does things most people won't so we're good. Oh Alright, she does things most people won't so we're good. Oh My goodness, she does you well Twenty-half I have four kids and she came in and

Starting point is 01:35:19 Accepted me my kids and yeah, but when you say she does things other way We saw her eat ass for 60 seconds straight up here about What are you talking about when you say? Yep, that's it. Oh, that's it. There he is. Shane Gillis everybody Shane, how do you think this guy did? I actually was why I ate a cheeseburger in the green room I was really strongly considering not coming back. You got enough guys out here. Yeah. But I saw it.

Starting point is 01:35:49 You were killing everybody. Thank you. All the comments in the green room were laughing at you. I thought you were very funny. Cold stone. Steve Austin, everybody. Oh, yeah. Trying to figure out what to do with you. Yeah. Haha. Haha. Haha. Haha. Haha.

Starting point is 01:36:06 Trying to figure out what to do with you. Did you only prepare a minute? Is that all that you have to your name? That I remembered enough to get through. I have a couple more than I did. What do you live for last time? Fort Worth. Fort Worth, Texas.

Starting point is 01:36:19 So this is a trip for you. Yeah, we're here for a couple days. We made the trip in January and signed up and get on. But today you did today I'll tell you what why don't you guys come back in five weeks five weeks from today and we'll throw you on the guest list for both of you and Come with another minute. We'll see another minute Catch this The kiln for me. They do Catch this! The Killzone A-View of Stephanie Cargill,

Starting point is 01:36:49 Interfuture X has been just in Hendrick every month. Well, this is one of the weirder episodes in a very fucking long time. Rick Flair! Yeah! Rick Flair! Haha! I think there's only one way to put a ribbon on an episode like this, ladies and gentlemen, and that is with the man who's done more new minutes than anybody ever in the history of the show.

Starting point is 01:37:18 More interviews than anybody ever in the history of the show, you know him, the vanilla gorilla, the cerebral assassin. The Memphis Strangler. The Big Red Machine. This is indeed William Montgomery. Oh, shit. Yeah, Rick Flair left because he didn't want to have to tangle with these two in salamander. It also no shit you were divorced bitch. Oh my God.

Starting point is 01:38:01 What was going on with that woman? Um... Happy Labor Day, ladies, actually sorry, I forget men can go into labor as well now. So happy Labor Day, man! Global warming is a really big topic in Congress right now. The Republicans are in favor of it because they hope it will keep Mitch McConnell from freezing up again. Mitch McConnell played golf with John Federman yesterday. They quit keeping score after multiple strokes. I mean, what's going on, America? Term limits, age limits, what about stroke limits? There's a new hurricane developing in the mid-Atlantic called Hurricane Muhammad.

Starting point is 01:38:54 Forecasters say it's hard to predict the storm's path, but you can expect it to hit tall building. Mostly of the twin variety, okay. That's my time, thank you all so much. William lights out Montgomery. William, I'm really sorry about you, I ain't buff it, dude. Well, thank you. Yeah, I've been a parrot ad for fucking 20 years now. I mean, I pretty much grew up in the faith so it was

Starting point is 01:39:29 sad when he left this earth a couple days ago. Just have a beard off already Well, he won and also Ari you were so sweet to suck on my penis last time I have not forgotten anybody buddy. Neither have I. Oh my god. I was what are you doing after the show? Yeah. I think we found out it's been so everybody percises. Say when they sometimes at night I imagine that it was your real dick, dude. Yeah, well it wasn't, but maybe we can make that happen to know. What did your parents say when they saw the episode with Ari sucking your dick? My mom said, William, I always knew you were a homosexual. It's fine. Why did you not come out to us earlier? So it was weird. It was a very weird conversation

Starting point is 01:40:18 in the Montgomery household. And I had just recently watched Little Man with Marlon Wands. What kind of surgery did they do on his ass? He was like a little baby. Did you ever see that? Little man? Yeah, Marlon Wands is like this robber, but he's this little boy. I was just wondering. I asked my mom that when she's like, William, are you gay? And I was like, bitch, you ever seen Little Man? But yeah. What made you watch Little Man? I don't know. I don't know.

Starting point is 01:40:44 I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

Starting point is 01:40:52 I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

Starting point is 01:41:00 I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Fuck you up, dude! He been throwing me off! This whole fucking time! I've been watching your fucking scary ass! Sitting back there the whole time! Don't come at me tonight! Fuck it! I swear to God I was gonna go after Ric Flair! So you don't fuck me up right now, dude!

Starting point is 01:41:19 I'm fucking my asshole! This is an unstoppable force. Every time he yells something like that, the band goes along with him. It is absolutely incredible. He has that power. He literally has the power to control the band with his passion. Yeah, I mean, I discovered a little man on IMDb! I discovered a little man on I&DB! It's a great movie website. I&DBOO! You're with that. When you get really passionate, even the horn plays a little bit and everything. Yeah, it's really good.

Starting point is 01:41:59 Chocolate Pie early! It's a vanilla ice cream! I'm not going to lie early! I'm going to lie! I'm going to lie! I'm going to lie! Okay, where'd you meet Chocolate Pie and Minilized Cream at? It, uh, Perkins. I flew back to Memphis, uh, yesterday, and I ate at Perkins, and it's really good. I mean, it's as good as it's ever been.

Starting point is 01:42:24 I highly recommend going up hurricanes if you're in the mid-south area. Very interesting. So you went to Perkins last night, you went to Memphis last night to go to Perkins? Yes. And then you went to Perkins today. And then I went today, I went last night,

Starting point is 01:42:39 then I went today, then I honestly, I went twice earlier today. I got a couple different pies. What else did you have at Perkins? What do you love about Perkins? Man, you know I love you, jeez barhoos! Oh! Also, their pancakes are pretty good.

Starting point is 01:42:57 They're pretty good fruit cobs. I love their grins! Oh! And just a coke, a Coca-Cola or something. That a Coca-Cola. What the fuck is going on? Look what are you talking about, motherfucker! Ah!

Starting point is 01:43:15 This is how it works! Uh-oh, Chris. You've been scared me all night along with your fucking ass, dude. That was my sponsor for her! It's like a fucking circus up here! Yes! It's like I'm in a part of a Bailey's right now. Uh-oh, what is happening? What have you set up?

Starting point is 01:43:49 Something's happening. William? Oh. We've never seen this before, and this is very interesting. It seems as if he's putting a band into their own rhythm, he's holding it on. This is like when Mario gets a star in Super Mario World or something like that. It's the William Montgomery version of Turboing Up right now. We've never seen this. For those of you just listening to the podcast,

Starting point is 01:44:29 he's staring the audience in the eyes while slowly, a slight mouse. I'm looking at you, hit! Oh! Alright, that's it! That's fucking it. Wow, that was terrifying. What, uh, what was that song called, William?

Starting point is 01:44:51 That's what plays in his head at Perkins. Was that cowboy music? Was that cowboy, man? Well, I know it's not, it's not going to be for horsemen. No, it's not cowboy music not gonna be for horsemen. No, it's not camel It's called dance and music It's a dance and music. Yeah dancing music. Okay. Yeah, yeah Will you many thing else before we let you go also saw a movie called bubble boy this Pantsy

Starting point is 01:45:19 Tell us about bubble boy. Yeah, listen to bubble. Oh tell us about bubble boy.'s a good one. Yeah, let's in the bubble. Tell us about bubble boy. Oh, yes, this horrible kidney disease and... Could they turn it funny? No, they're pretty much looking for somebody with the right blood type. They're in this weird, like, Jamaican country or something. And they're looking for this antidote, something about his blood. And they're looking in the sky's just in a bubble the whole time and it gets really badly sunburned because the sun just shines in through that

Starting point is 01:45:50 bubble and he's looking for a kidney and he can't find that kidney but you don't know until the very end if he finds a kidney or not and this the whole time he's in this bubble getting some birth. We got to get Rick Flair back Look any bubble that respects the youth And takes care of boys or girls of any kind I Won't take part of a show that insults that I don't know what the fuck they're doing here I don't know what the fuck they're doing here, but I'm about to leave If there's one thing you know about her Claire, he does not make fun of people who donate their time it is That's the whole

Starting point is 01:46:43 Is making fun of people who are donating your time into sunday of heroine. Okay, that has nothing to do with anything. I didn't know that. I just found out. I didn't realize it's son died. Fucking Christ. What does that have to do with anything? It doesn't have anything to do with anything. He just became this very sympathetic character too. But before that, I was like, he's really drunk.

Starting point is 01:46:57 And then that happened. And it's like, damn, you're son died. He's fucking right. I feel like my saying wouldn't be woo if my son had died of heroin. Okay, that was before. That was before. Hopefully, is that still here?

Starting point is 01:47:21 Is he hearing all this? 1,000% is right upstairs watching this. Oh god. William, any last words? Been so nice to be here tonight. Go to Perkins if you all find yourself near Perkins in the middle. What should they order at Perkins? Tell these people.

Starting point is 01:47:37 The Bergers are from! What else? Shockley's bill! What else? Don't serve him? Don't serve! Don't spaghetti! Oh, shit! Some bastard shut up!

Starting point is 01:47:52 Someone's yelling out their favorite dish of Perkins. What was it, go ahead? Oh, it's crazy. What? Speed louder. Oh, Jesus. Wow. We found a retard match. I love spaghetti.

Starting point is 01:48:12 Jesus Christ. Oh God. How those ribs over there? Huh? How the ribs over there are Perkins they don't have ribs are they don't come on All right, Texas to the greatest comedy scene in the Shane why do you tell the fuck is that supposed to be I know I like you shit. I know I'm kid. Okay Don't make me fucking turn on you dude Don't I know you don't make me turn on your fucking ass I don't live anywhere near a perk instead I'm Shane actually is moving here to Austin, Texas. Another one.

Starting point is 01:49:16 Joins the Frey. William was one of the first people to move here right alongside of everyone in early, early, early 2021. And now you make $40,000 a week on a cameo, a little fun pack. Kimiokamiyo, I've married a couple people this week. There were a couple of breakups. I had to put a dog down.

Starting point is 01:49:37 I had to teach the person how to put a dog down. I said, put that motherfucker in a bag. Go to a fucking bridge. Throw that motherfucker off the bridge. It's like a 30 minute cameo. So if you need me to kill anybody, I could walk you through out of maybe strangle somebody or... William Montgomery, we love you. Thank you so much. Thank you. So yeah, Montgomery, get it again. The show was absolutely insane. The drawing from Ryan J. E. Belters in.

Starting point is 01:50:08 Zach Amico, the Zach Amico midnight spook show. Lewis J. Gomez, 30 minutes with Lewis J. Gomez. R.E. Shapiro, Jew, is out there on YouTube. On Netflix, Mark Norman, don't be yourself killing it. Shane Gillis at Midnight, beautiful dogs everybody, on Netflix. You guys have hope work to do. Every single one of you that's ever seen an episode of the show

Starting point is 01:50:39 has to go click on it. Fucking let it roll. Get him his views. It's gonna be good for comedy on Netflix. I'm excited that they fucking ups hilarious people back on there again. And how about one more time for Rick Flair, who is probably never coming back, ever working with me.

Starting point is 01:51:00 Not answering my text messages, ever again. We had one good day yesterday, we got drunk. Maybe I should have told him a little bit more about the show. And I guess that one's on me. Guys, check out the sunset strip comedy club. We've got the Killtony band twice a month now. The band. It's just the band.

Starting point is 01:51:21 Yeah, the band. And every Thursday is the a secret job there you go How about one more time for the best standband and land demand is on the base Michael Gonzalez on the drums Mewling on the electric John Dees on the keys Paul Deemer on the horns. Here's the drilling from Chris Rogers local artists What is it this week? Oh, Hans Kim, look at that. Huge announcement coming next week.

Starting point is 01:51:53 The biggest announcement in the history of Kilttoni, the arena on New Year's Eve has sold out here in Austin, Texas. Another announcement coming next week. You can never possibly imagine what that announcement would be, but the arena on New Year's Eve is sold out. Announcement next week. We love you guys. Thank you so much. Good night everybody. Thank you. Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, 3 2 1 Just get a corner 1 2 1

Starting point is 01:52:47 2 1 2 1 2 1 2 1

Starting point is 01:52:55 2 1 2 1 2 1 2 1

Starting point is 01:53:04 1 2 1 2 1 I'm going to be right. I'm going to be right. I'm going to be right. I'm going to be right. I'm going to be right. I'm going to be right. I'm going to be right. I'm going to be right. I'm going to be right. I'm going to be right.

Starting point is 01:53:20 I'm going to be right. I'm going to be right. I'm going to be right. I'm going gonna be right! Woo! It's gonna be right! It's gonna be right! It's gonna be right! It's gonna be right! It's gonna be right! It's gonna be right! It's gonna be right!

Starting point is 01:53:30 It's gonna be right! It's gonna be right! It's gonna be right! It's gonna be right! It's gonna be right! It's gonna be right! It's gonna be right! It's gonna be right!

Starting point is 01:53:38 It's gonna be right! It's gonna be right! It's gonna be right! It's gonna be right! It's gonna be right! It's gonna be right! It's gonna be right! It's gonna be right! It's gonna be right! It's gonna be right! It's gonna be right! So touch your fly, it's none of a gush I want one more Two, three, four One, two, three, four

Starting point is 01:53:50 One, two, three, four One, two, three, four One, two, three, four One, two, three, four One, two, three, four One, two, three, four Don't be right, just why? None of my guys By my brain

Starting point is 01:54:12 Never been right I'm gonna try to find a way to find a way to find a way to find a way to find a way to find a way to find a way to find a way to find a way to find a way to find a way to find a way to find a way to find a way to find a way to find a way to find a way to find a way to find a way to find a way to find a way to find a way to find a way to find a way to find a way to find a way to find a way to find a way to find a way to find a way to find a way to find a way to find a way to find a way to find a way to find a way to find a way to find a way to find a way to find a way to find a way to find a way to find a way to find a way to find a way to find a way to find a way to find a way to find a way to find a way to find a way to find a way to find a way to find a way to find a way to find a way to find a way to find a way to find a way to find a way to find a way to find a way to find a way to find a way to find a way to find a way to find a way to find a way to find a way to find a way to find a way to find a way to find a way to find a way to find a way to find a way to find a way to find a way to find a way to find a way to find a way to find a way to find a way to find a way to find a way to find a way to find a way to find a way to find a way to find a way to find a way to find a way to find a way to find a way to find a way to find a way to find a way to find a way to find a way to find a way to find a way to find a way to find a way to find a way to find a way to find a way to find a way to find a way to find a way to find a way ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch

Starting point is 01:55:00 ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch Yeah! You you you

KILL TONY - #629 - RIC FLAIR - SHANE GILLIS - ARI SHAFFIR - MARK NORMAND - LUIS J GOMEZ - ZAC AMICO

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