KILL TONY - #631 - KIM CONGDON + JAMAR NEIGHBOORS

Episode Date: October 10, 2023

Jamar Neighbors, Kim Congdon, Kam Patterson, Paul Deemer, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, Hans Kim, William Montgomery, Jon Deas, Matthew Muehling, Joe White, Kristie Nova, Yoni, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – 09/18/2023THIS EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY:Support the show & secure your online data at https://www.expressvpn.com/killtonyTry Zip Recruiter for free by going to www.ziprecruiter.com/killtonyGet 50% off of Factor & support the show at https://www.factormeals.com/KILLTONY50 & use code KILLTONY50Support the show and download the Gametime app. Save $20 off your 1st purchase with the code KILLTONYHead to https://www.Blendbestie.com and use code TONY for 20% offZIPPIXTOOTHPICKS.COM – CODE: “KILLTONY10” FOR 10% OFF ORDER!

Hey, this is RedBan and you are listening to Kill Tony. If you want to check out any past episode, check out Desquad.tv. There you have all the links to all the video and audio of all the past episodes at deathsquad.tv. If you want to check out Tony and his new Tories all over the road right now, go to TonyHinchcliff.com to check out his tour schedule and everything golden pony. And Kill Merch.com is everything Kill Tony for merchandise, get all the new hats, shirts and everything else at Kill Merch.com. And don't forget if you're in Austin, Texas, check out a new comedy club, The Sunset Strip.

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Two of our favorite guests of all time. And the first ever regular in the show's history over 10 years ago, she started writing a new minute every single week. Rose Battle, royalty, both stars of Comedy Central, former hit show, Rose Battle. Makes the noise for Kim Condon and Jamar neighbors everybody Jamar neighbor Kim lights out

Condon And here we go again Two people that know the show well have been there since we were in the belly room in front of eight human beings. Now we're about to do back-to-back sold out arenas at the end of the year, Kiltoni is. But when you guys started seeing Kiltoni and Kim, when you were on Kiltoni, there was only about 15 people in the room. There was, yeah.

I did my first set ever on Kiltoni. There you go. Kim Kongda. 10 years and three months ago, Jamar neighbors brought an actual cheeseburger on a show. That's how comfortable he is. We've been friends for 16 and a half years. We were doing open mics together, waiting on sidewalks and the sun.

No money, no car. Fucking. This is just his grill. That is... Tony, I knew this show when it was just a knife on the table, dog. That's true. Now we have a gel blaster brought to you by Gel Blaster. Use the promo code Tony. Save 25 cent on a gel blaster at gelblaster.com.

It's a good shit, man. We're going to have fun tonight. Point is, you guys know how the show works. Maybe most of you out there do as well. Almost 200 human souls are waiting in a bar next door, hoping that maybe, just maybe they're one of the few names that I pull out of this bucket here tonight. If I do, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted.

You know their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, and that cuts them off. And then I started an interview process and they talked to us, my esteemed panel. You guys ready to start tonight's show? Well, well, well, I gotta tell you, the beginnings of these shows somehow have become one of my favorite ongoing storylines. The great and powerful Hans Kim, one of the great regulars of the show, selling out weekends all over the road. But it's not easy to write a new minute every week.

And what we've learned is that if he is being challenged for his entire career on the line or his regular ship here on the show, he does much better than he does when he's not being challenged last week He got challenged and he dominated another comedian doing a much better 60 seconds So he gets to stay a regular the catch is he has no challenge this week and what we've learned is he's not quite always a strong when he's not being Challenged so if he doesn't do great tonight He's gonna get challenged next week. Does this make sense?

So if he doesn't do great tonight, he's gonna get challenged next week. Does this make sense? Ladies and gentlemen, you guys ready to start tonight's show? 60 seconds uninterrupted. You guys know the words to the song? This is Hans. Thank you. Please laugh. Thank you, sir.

I was recently in Nashville and I went to a museum and I learned that in Nashville they used to have this thing called the Negro Building, which I think is horrible. Nowadays, we just call it a basketball court. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay.

Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay.

Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. I don't understand these people that are like, don't get a tattoo or when you're older, it's gonna look ugly. Who are these people like, man, I might not have had any fun when I was a kid, but at least I have this pristine 70 year old body.

I've never heard anyone be like, man, I would totally fuck your grandma, but her tattoos are gross. I have been buying a lot of things through Instagram ads. I bought that purple stuff that's supposed to make yellow teeth wider. Yeah I've been using it on my skin. Thank you. Well, well, well. This is a though we have created an unstoppable monster. Thank you, Tony.

From beginning to end, please laugh. You took all the tension in the room and let it rip right from the beginning. And then a very funny joke to close in everything in the middle. The Negro building. Yeah, it's a true thing. It's history, Jamar. I love it. Why would you have to call out Jamar like that?

He was just relaxing. He's chilling. He's enjoying himself on the show. You say Negro three times. Negro juice comes out. His hair was flat before this, he's just mad now. Hans Kim, you are waycist. I was waiting for your lips to catch up to your words. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit.

Oh, I was waiting for your lips to catch up to your words. So I, oh, oh. You did that set like you were here to avenge your brothers' death. I was waiting for it. You're funny. Thank you, Jamar. I love you, bro. Hans Kim, doing it again, an unbelievable performance.

You're wearing a, what is that, Phoenix Suns? Yes. You like the Suns? No. Right. Neither does your father. Ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha.

Ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha. Thank you. Ha, ha, ha.

Thank you. I'm getting it from all angles. I love it. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I'm getting it from all angles. I love it. Thank you. My peers and my co-workers loved that one. You get it? Yes. My father.

Your father's disappointed in you. You talked to your parents recently about your unbelievable success. I mean, he is on the weekend. Every road, or every, on the road, every weekend doing fucking sold-out shows, it is incredible. Yeah, he should be proud of me. I don't know.

I haven't really talked to him. We don't really talk. I would love to talk to him more. I think he's a great guy. You don't talk the talk, but do you walk the walk? W-OK. They're coming in fast people. Don't get lost. Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr My mom I text with but my sisters they don't I don't think they like my comedy They think I'm racist Really yeah, weissist

Are they like are your sisters like very progressive? Yeah, they're fucking gay. Do you ever? Wow Are they literally gay? One of them is probably gay. Wow. OK. I hope you're serious. Samurai scissors, you know what I'm saying?

Ha, ha, ha. That's the sound of a, that's the sound of Asian lesbians eating each other out right there. Ha, ha, ha, ha. There it is. There it is. So you don't ever call your family just to say, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

We're going to have to edit that one out. We're going to edit that one out. That's an edit point right there. No? All right, we'll leave it in. Leave it in. How damn it, we'll leave it in. Leave it in. Goddamn it, we'll do it live. Oh, what else is going on in your world, Hans?

Kim, you added shows this weekend in Denver, Colorado. We did a little show and Cam was supposed to be there, but he had to cancel on me. Yeah, he's got to do theaters with me. His actual dear leader. I love that you're trying to hijack my fucking own creations. I think that's why I came up with that joke about that building, because I...

You're angry, yeah. A jealous of Cam. Cam! Whoa, he gave the black fist on that one. Let's go in with our senior African-American correspondent, Jammar Neighbors, on this scene. I like how you're squinting in still-need glasses. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

["Honest Club Theme Song"] Hell yeah. You're all racist. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha- I love it. Tony, it's actually really cool to watch Hans go up. I've seen him from the beginning, and honestly, it was really bad before. Honestly, watching he was like watching Hacking Chan, and now you're like, Jokey, Han. No, I'm serious. He's selling out theaters. He's bringing MSG to MSG. Yeah.

I was getting there. There you go. There it is. I was getting there. There you go. There it is. Thank you, Mr. Lowercase T. Whoa, you just Kim said something, and then you acknowledge Jamar 45 seconds earlier. That's incredible. You just thought of that?

You were just brewing on Jamar for a while? Yeah. I've been holding it all the time. It can just make fun of you. And you go, thanks a lot, Mr. Lowercase. Yeah. Man, I was confused. I got nothing.

Don't slam the mic like that. It's a podcast. People are like, I like the black guy, but he might have dropped the microphone. Who's he thinking? He's the fuck, we have some racist people that love the show. Yeah, he's on stage right now.

Yeah. Sorry about that, Jamar. Can you just do this? Mike dropped. Meet egg drop. I want you to apologize to all black people right now. Dear black people, I'm sorry that I said Little Mermaid was a shitty movie. I hope you get challenged for your spot.

For your little spot. Say sushi's bad. Sushi's bad. All right. Well, we've even the scales of everything. Hans obviously will go unchallenged next week. Congratulations, Hans. Thank you, Tony. This whole putting pressure on you thing is really, really upping your game. I like it a lot. I think you do too. I think it makes life a little bit more stressful, but it's not easy. And you're a shining star.

Hans Kim, ladies and gentlemen, here he goes. There you go. There he goes. All right. We have a bucket poll ready to go that we pre-picked a second ago. There's going to be our next one. Actually, no, that's an insider.

Somebody tell Liz, she's next. But first, our first bucket pool, this appears to be a new name. Let's see what happens here. These are people that sometimes maybe they've been on once or twice or whatever before, but it's usually new people. We're gonna meet them all together.

60 seconds uninterrupted, and then an interview, going to Ben Williams, everybody. Here we go. Ben Williams, is everybody. Here we go. Ben Williams. Look at me. I am the captain now. I was told that I look like the Somalian Power or the Rob Captain Phillips.

I'll take it. You know what I'm taking? It's better than when I seen on the internet yesterday. Someone said, I look like Chris Crackrock. It was my mom. It was my mom. Don't worry, she's blocked from all social media. You know.

But my mom was actually an entertainer. She was a magician. She made my dad disappear. I know I look like I got a drug addiction, but this is just starvation. You know? Like I want to sell my body for drugs, but I might blow a guy for me ball marinara

Yeah life is tough man, yeah, I'm being Williams, man. Um, yeah, I think I got one. Yeah, y'all being Williams Um, I think I got one more. Um, I talk in relationships, but I'm too broke, you know nowadays you need money for everything You know you can't even die, you know, nowadays you need money for everything, you know, you can't even die, you know. There you go. That was it, that's the end of the fan meeting. Yeah, you went out there. How's it going? Thank y'all, thank y'all. Ben, you were on last week, right?

Yeah, I was on like two weeks ago. Look at you, very, very lucky man. Yeah, man, thank you. You look fantastic. You look like if Jamar was born prematurely. This place is becoming a real Negro building, you know what I'm saying? I am black. Funny shit, man. Hey, I support black people. Funny shit, you going far. I have nothing negative to say about you. Except for your fingernails look real dirty.

Yeah. Ha-ha-ha. Yeah. He look like he go like this a lot. Yeah. Ha-ha-ha. He looks like if Tiger lived in the woods. Ha-ha-ha.

What? Ha-ha-ha. Boots. My favorite thing about Ben Set was the cowboy from Fort Worth laughing the entire time, and not at his jokes, just laughing. I don't think you've ever seen anything quite like this before, have you, cowboy? You got a fantastic, just cracking up. Very suspicious laugh amount of laughter. He was on the set-ups. He just came out and he started laughing, just like that. Great mustache, man. Thank you.

Yeah, that's great. Hell, yeah. Absolutely. Kim Congdon. Yeah, that was really great. You had a great set. You look like the guy from Black Panther now. Yeah. Woo. Yeah. What condodentist are you going to? Yeah, my son. I can tell he lives in Texas because of his buckies. Kim Kongben's lived here one week,

already bustin' out the buckies jokes. He got 11. He looks like that Mexican alien they found the other day. Whoa, whoa, red band. Red band. My God, when red band starts roasting, you know you're ugly. Holy shit. But he's uncle Ben, so you have to call Rice on him. Oh my God. You look like you're going to be a very successful black man. Very in the future, God damn it. You look like you got me, too, for visual harassment.

You look like Demzel wasn't allowed in Washington. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding.

I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding.

I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm starting in Texas City. Where? In Texas City.

Texas City? Yeah, it's like 15 miles from one from. Okay, where are you from? I'm from Galveston. Okay, Galveston, Texas. I'll be right now out here. Okay, yeah, okay. Oh shit, sounds like that.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Galveston, Texas. Famously where Robert Durst put a body out on the water, thinking that it was going to go towards the ocean. Yeah, this is the body. It was discovered in black trash bags. We're not far off from Oki-Doki. Where are your parents from, Ben? Oh, they're from Galveston. Oh, okay. Where are their parents from?

Well, okay, you're good. What do you do for work, Ben? I love that when you're laughing, you look like you're crying. Ah! It is incredible. You look like the Crip Keeper. The Crip Keeper, that's a black gang. You guys don't know. Jamar laughed. It's funny. The Crip Keeper. There's bloods and there's crypts. Not crypt. I've never called anybody the Crip Keeper. I mean,

I just stuck with fucking cowboys out here, not even knowing what the fuck's funny about my fucking Cripkeeper jokes. Yeah. Well, um, I gotta say last time I'm a comic man, so, um. What? I'm a comedian. Okay. So I just really been following my goals, yeah, they laughing.

But now I've really been following. Hey, hey, don't laugh bitch. No, you can laugh. That's what my mom did. It was okay. But, yeah, that's what I just been doing. It's working hard to do this, man. Thank you. But how do you make money?

Oh, man, believe it or not, I work for this dude. They sell art on the side of the street. So I just been selling art with him. It's too much. I'll art on the side of the street. Yeah, the side of the street, yeah. There you go, man. I'm gonna make $50 off of that. Yeah, yeah.

Put that everybody at. Yeah. Jamar ramping up to give away a picture of himself that he painted. Here you go man, this is for all black people. Very successful man. You gonna be very successful man. Wow. God damn right man.

Wow. Alright. Y'all gonna see me outside selling this for $50, so you got $50. You don't give me my goddamn picture back. I do take cash out. I do take cash out. All right Y'all gonna send me all-size-selling from $50, so you got $50. You don't give me my goddamn picture, man. I do take cash out. I do take cash out. He looked like when he put on lotion to make him looser.

All right. What is all your man? Make some looser? Oh, no, man. Oh, shit. Ben, what's your living situation? What by yourself? Oh, now I'm not about myself.

I got different people that may support me and support my dreams and stuff like that. I love it. Who are these people? Who are these people? Shout out to Sylia. She was also here. Shout out to you.

Shout out to you. Shout out to you. Y'all familiar with her episode? Made me cry. Shout out to Sylia. My boy Caleb, you know So I just silly, my boy Caleb, you know, I just made couch surfing for now, let me honest. OK. Yeah, couch surfing, indeed.

He's an Andy. What do you do for fun when you're not doing stand up? Oh, let's say I do music and I enjoy movies. And just going out, man man just going out to the um Barton Springs and just enjoying life yeah what do you do at Barton Springs swim on the free side I can't I can't believe you think he's swim she She thinks I, I always about to say that. He's doing my joke. I'll just say, ah, she thinks I can swim. I'll put my feet in the water.

She's mother fuckers, God fucking. Yeah, this is enjoys, enjoys. Floodies. Yeah. You know I was actually a life goer, and I couldn't swim. They didn't have that. Is that true?

Oh my God. Ben, you are absolutely adorable. You got a big joke book last time? Yes, sir. A big one? Yeah. Good for you. Fun times. Congratulations. You're walking out with a piece of art.

You got a gel blaster last time you were on. What did you do with the gel blaster? I still have it. You still have it? Yeah. You haven't sold it? No. He just wants a meal, dog.

For sure. I love your style, but I love it. I love it. No. He just wants a meal, dog. For sure. I love your style, Ben. That's something for you. Whoa, look at that. Give me my sandwich. Oh, now.

I'm going to eat that. Ben, congratulations. A good minute. Thank you so much. There he goes. Ben Williams, everybody. Oh, yeah. Well, when I pulled this next name out, it stopped me right in my tracks,

because she is a kil'towny famous. Not only did we watch this young lady, but I have watched this young lady grow over the years here in Austin, Texas. But she's an employee of the mothership now, and she's opening for me in one of her hometowns of Philly, PA in two weeks. We know her, we love her. This is a brand new minute from mother ship royalty Liz splat everybody here she is Yeah So I'm my home girl earlier I'm talking about girly things and she she referred to her vagina as a flower things and she referred to her vagina as a flower, which is kind of weird, right? Because I guess I don't know about you guys, but I've never seen a flower get beat

the fuck up like that, you know what I'm saying? Do you guys fall? I would never call my vagina a flower that would not work for me at all. I would maybe call my shit the Venus fly trap. Because when dudes get in it they start bulging you homestayin ladies. Oh and gone. Yeah I fought. I'm not afraid to talk about it.

Actually, I was having sex the other day with this dude, and not to brag, but we broke my bed. Okay, you guys over here figured out? I had a pretty shitty bed. So what's exciting is two weeks later, this dude bought me a new bed. I know. I was like okay Can we fuck on the stove Can we fuck on my credit is that possible

Liz black It was black. It's on me. Amazing. That better be nice, Kim. Whatever you're writing down, it better be a compliment about how skinny I am these days. I was writing down that you look like you lift guys' legs over their head. That was nice. Thank you, Rob.

Thank you. And honest. That is amazing. So you broke the bed. Yeah. What happened when he got on it? Gershieldoni! Gershieldoni!! Gershew!

Now they know I'm plus size! You dick! You say bus size? Gershew! We absolutely love Liz Splatchy has been a true local legend for years. I mean, a part of the real crop of fucking little monsters being created here in Austin, boss, mothership employee, lots of spots here at this club, which has a lot of spots to give out and a lot of people getting work getting better. So that's amazing. You're one of the people that I was really rooting for to get a job here. And you did and you're thriving?

Yes, I mean, thank you. Yeah. I feel like I'm thriving. This is the best month of my life. Yeah. Best month of my life. What else is going on? Tell us more Liz. I went to the Drake concert earlier this month. It was lit as hell. I was wearing a matching. I was with a group of friends, and we were wearing matching Nike texts and Air Force ones. Drake looked directly in my eyes and sang to me.

Wow. I'm still trying to figure out if I'm pregnant or not. Oh my goodness. in my eyes and saying to me, wow. I'm still trying to figure out if I'm pregnant or not. Oh my goodness. Pray for me. Pray that it's yes. I'd be clutch. I could use it to drink it. Looks like he might be.

Oh, shut up. Show, we're friends. We drink together at the bar at the end of the night. I mean, she's been around rappers, but not the music. Yeah. These kinds of rappers right here. My damn sandwich. My sandwich.

Jamar, very protective of his sandwich. Something to keep an eye on throughout the episode. Jamar appreciates my shape. Yeah, damn right. Hell yeah, dude. Hell yeah. Hell yeah, dude. Hell yeah. Hell yeah, baby. I knew I could count on that.

I like Splat, man. She looked like her guy in the college just as a dildo with a GoPro on her tip. I like that. You got to love it. Splat is also what happens when Jamar fucks her. It's like a wet sound. Anyway. Yeah. Anyway, uh...

Yeah, cuz this pussy be mad, what? Hell yeah. You know what? You know what? Turn it into a compliment! Gunress! You know what? I'm with it, let's go!

I know! I know that, Jamar. Why, cuz you fanned white? Huh? Oh shit. Yes. Look at her. Yes.

It's all we've established about me so far is that I'm fat and I'm white. And you're hilarious. Oh, this is true. That is true. That is true, you know. You look like Charlie's Theron went method again. I don't get that reference.

He's on the show. So do you now. She looks like Charlize and the chocolate factory. I like that. I like that. Liz, what is your love life like? Is that a black guy that you broke the bed with? No, actually, it's non-existent right now.

It's just a non-existent love life. In fact, I didn't want to break it to you earlier, but I never broke the bed with a guy. It never happened. I thought it'd be a funny joke. I lied to you all. And you believed it. Now look at you. Just begging to break a bed with me. You're truly. Tony's going to go home and unscrew some of my screws.

That's true. Those are the only things getting screwed in that bed. I just said that. It's just funny because he made it funnier. You said the screw thing, I applied it. Totally. Look at Crush. They love you. Elisa, some to have a good frame Oh, oh, it's mean cuz I'm a woman saying it to her

Are you talking shit about my body because I have a I have a belly bite. I have a buck. I have a bug bite on my belly whoa wait, oh, let me see Take it all let me see take the bug. Oh shit. Whoa Kinzo can you own these in it? I've never seen a band-aid on a bug bite before this should be interesting That is Infected ladies and gentlemen Madness I

Have a dollar for you. Woo! She's the genius! You're not giving my band-aids. That was beautiful! I waited 13 years to do a band-aid show. That was so beautiful, Tony! I love that. We've only been doing this show 10 years. That's the crazy part.

Liz, so much fun. You are an absolute force to think of how this, like, you taking over during this interview to see your confidence and the difference in only two years from moving down from Dallas, you know, a place where, you know, kind of had its own thing. You took a chance, you gambled on yourself, you gambled on Austin, and you're like two totally different people. You're the rock star that we always saw. And I'm doing a game, dude. I'm pulling some. This is Abby on the Secret Show Thursday. Oh yeah! Thank you so much!

Believe me when I tell you, this is the future right here. Liz's flat, everybody. There she goes. See y'all in Philly! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Part of the crop of unbelievable employees here, you know, the system that the great Adam E.G. brought over from the comedy store, picking some of the finest talent in the city to work here to work around their elders to learn things as they go to pick up on good habits and things to do and what not to do and Another one of the employees here at the mothership just spent another weekend doing theaters with me on And another weekend doing theaters with me on the road, the man is a force of nature. He's probably the most famous regular on the show somehow, and only a mere fucking three months.

A freak, ladies and gentlemen, this is truly the future. You know who it is. The one and only camp patterns. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, Because they fired because I was stealing shit. Was I stealing shit, of course. Well, the reason they fired me was like, Cam, use a little too urban for the cash register. What the fuck? That even me. They're like, Cam, you can't be telling white people

have a good day, my nigga, when they check out. I had no idea. that was a problem. I thought y'all loved when I called y'all nigger, y'all done that? Ain't that right, my nigger, the cowboy head. Talk to him nigger. Yeah, yeah. Can I ask you a serious question?

It's a real serious question. It's me and you. I'm asking a serious question. If you want to say niggle right now, for the next 15 seconds, listen, just me and you, come on ahead, nigga. If you want to say it, you were genius. That was a trap I was going to kill you.

I did that exact same joke. Alabama, it did not go like that. Thank you guys so much. Boom. Oh. Talk to me. Talk to me. Monster.

Come on, man. My man. Cam, mother fucking potted. I was scared as this and the guy was terrified, though. Yeah, I, I like, he might say it. He got a little terrified, though. Dude, I- I thought he might say it. He might say that shit, though. Not say it. I thought he was gonna scream it. Ha an unbelievable minute. Absolutely incredible.

What the heck? Doing it again, coming off a strong, fun, fucking weekend on the road. I mean, this guy is absolutely killing in these theaters, making the adjustments, you know, in this weird art form, a small room, and even a big room like this, is so different than a massive theater. It changes your timing, your pacing, and you've always done good, but to see you make adjustments to get stronger, it's fucking crazy.

Thank you. It's been a cool effort, like, you know what I'm saying, run it through that shit like that. Yeah. And it's tough. We had a tough weekend to travel. Yeah. It's fucking weekend, almost.

Especially for the airport together, nigga. Yeah, we did. McCam and I slept fucking feet to feet, always like that. That's some project babies. Niggas are like that delayed for four hours. It was. And we woke up and we had, uh, Yoni and Kristi had put blankets on us. Airport.

We got a good family. They got that. It's with they get paid the big bucks for. We can't get the money. Game by, let's niggas. Yeah, yeah. It was perhaps a, I had a little bit of a problem. I was with, they get paid the big bucks for. We think they got the money. Gang violence, no go on there.

Yeah, yeah. It was perhaps, I woke up, I fucking looked up and cams laying there all tucked in at this blanket, the half a smile on his face, out like a light. And I'm like, this is the least amount of gang violence I've ever seen from this guy. Whatever this is, this adorable sleeping kid is the opposite of gang violence. I've ever seen from this kind. Whatever this is, this adorable sleeping kid is the opposite of gang violence.

I was dreaming about not getting shot at and they got what's so happening. Look at... Ha-ha-ha-ha. Look at this shitty, beautiful, look at that. Ha-ha-ha. My life is so different now. From drive-by's to sleep in, so I love it.

Oh, man, talk to him. You guys see, I bought me a belt. You feel me? Yup. Yeah, yeah. But I don't wear pants, so I put it on right here. I said, hell yeah. I'm gonna fucking genius.

And I'm irresponsible with money. You guys see, that's a problem. You like my belt, hat, nigga? He loves the fact that it's around your neck, that's true. Hey, if he didn't like that, I don't know who put it with it. No reparations. You know what I'm saying? Oh hell yeah.

Oh shit, he just reached for something. He reached for something. He was about to give you some money. He was about he just reached for something. He reached for something. He was about to give you some money. He was about to give you some money. He was about to give us some money, man. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, the commuter mark.

You owe us a $40,000 in a mule, nigga. I know. And you were up in with that, and I was up in with this. Yeah. Oh, my. Okay, Cam, you're one of my favorite comics. I have nothing negative to say about you. Oh, man, we like this. All right, I think you're fucking brilliant.

I got one question. Did you kill King Von? Ha-ha-ha-ha. It's you. Ha-ha-ha-ha. Man, Cam's fucking brilliant, man. Yeah, I got none of those. Absolutely.

What else is going on, Cam? Anything else in your normal life? That show we did in Annapolis. A dude had stopped me. And he was like, hey, my girlfriend could suck a great dick. And I thought it was like a joke. And I was like, how, how, that's cool. You know what I'm saying? And then she was like, no, I could suck a dick.

And then I was like, what? And then she was like, I can't. And he said, you want to give her a test drive or something? She sucked my dick, you know that? Yeah! Yeah! This is so funny, nigga! Black power!

Power! Power! This one. Two, three. Shit! Hey, you're too much, huh? This dude just came. I'm not a man! I'm a man! I'm a man! I'm a man! I'm a man! Shit! I'm a man! I'm a man!

This dude just came! Yeah! He was about to come and then they said black power even sucked. We watched him go through the whole process there. So, could she? Huh? She could? Oh, it was great.

Fun omelou, you know what I'm saying? Like, go to it. Go to it. Oh, shit. She ain't had no teeth, nigga. Wow. Ha ha. I'm just unbelievable. I'm jealous.

Is she a white? Is she a white shit? You know what I'm saying? The best. Y'all get it. Wow. Absolutely. Cam Patterson, living his best life out there

thriving and toothless blow jobs. Where'd you go to have the blow jobs? In the green room? Tonneino. Wow. There's a few green rooms in these theaters, thank God. Was it still green when you were done with her? Why the hell, brother?

Why the hell? Clear, whatever color you'll done with her. Yeah, why the hell, brother? Why the hell, clear, whatever color you'll come in, if it's yellow, you got gone to real, my nigga, you know what I'm saying? So fun, so much fun to do the road with. What else did we do? We ate good, we had fun. Yeah, yeah, we take real good care of me, though. This is some of the best shit I've ever spent

in my life, you feel me? Yep. We watched the game. The Colorado game. Dude, holy shit, that was crazy. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, it. Nope, I ain't getting it. Nope, nope. Yeah, we got it again. Damn, I wish I knew sports better than Denver. Yeah, I know.

What? I thought it was a Denver nuggets. Fuck you guys. Cam Patterson, an absolute force of nature. And we love to see it. You're a huge part of the squad. Make some noise for Cam Patterson, an absolute force of nature, and we love to see it. You're a huge part of the squad. Make some noise for Cam Patterson. We're going to go. Oh yeah. Cam, one more time for Cam Patterson.

All right, we're moving along smoothly back to the bucket we go. Let's see what happens here. Mix the noise to your next comedian, DK, two letters, D and K. Here we go. DK everybody. Here he is, DK. Mix the noise for DK everyone. So, I lived with the woman recently and I asked, did it change your opinion on anything? And I go, yeah, it did. I now think Chris Benoit was a hero. For those of you not in on the joke, it's not that bad.

Chris Benoit just killed his wife and family. Funny thing about that. I was reading the Bible recently. And in the Bible, it says that women were so beautiful that the angels fell down to heaven to bet them. Did you guys know this? Yeah, I noticed after reading the chapter several times that I mentioned nothing else. It stopped there.

So... I'm so sorry about that guys. Chris Benoit is not a hero, I think women are perfect. I just actually decided that right now. Alright, that'll be it for me, thanks. Wow. All right. Wow.

Chris Ben, what the fuck did you think was gonna happen there? That was scary. Yeah, I was like, what Jordan Pill movie is this? Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. I was about to get out. Uh, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Look at you. You are adorable.

Are you dressed for your first day of second grade right now? What's happening? Yeah, that's how it feels. I'm definitely nervous like it's my second day of second grade. Wow. Look at you. Have you been on the show before? Yeah, I have.

Okay. It's my second time. How did the first time go? It went good, but I don't think you end up liking me. I was drunk for my interview. Oh, OK. Yeah.

What did we talk about? Did you watch it? Yeah, we did. I did. You asked me what I did, and I told you I was a neurosurgeon, and you did not find that funny. Because you're not a neurosurgeon. Yes.

Right. Yes. And why would you say that if you weren't a neurosurgeon? I was making bad decisions that day clearly. Okay. What do you do for work? So I manage gaming accounts online. I run a small business online. I was working at a hotel at the time,

but I no longer do that. I make enough income managing accounts. So yeah, that's what I do. I do that in comedy. All right. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? DK. About two years now.

Two years. And that is your second minute. Do you have jokes that really are really good? Yeah. You just haven't done them? Yeah. That was a new one. How many of you want to hear a good DK check? Here we go.

We're going to give you a chance here. We're going to let you reload a little bit because Chris Benoit, a little bit of an old reference, kind of inside baseball, pro wrestling reference from. I mean, that tragedy was probably what, 10, 11, 12 years ago or something. So here we go, let's reload two years in the game, DK, your best quick little joke here,

and here we go, bonus round joke for DK. Drunk the first time he was on the show, and now, just had a rough minute here. So this, we're about to actually find out. Two years in the game, and all he does is work from home and do stand-up comedy. Here we go, with his best joke, DK.

OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK.

OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. It's good. So I don't know if you guys remember this, but being a young immature man, anybody could fuck up your reality just by telling you something was gay.

You'd be doing something harmless, like I don't know, coloring, pretty gay. But someone like your older cousin or your older friend would come around and they just look down and they go, that's gay and you go, okay, well I guess Spider-Man doesn't need all his colors anymore. Oh boy. Oh boy. All right.

As two years in the game, Andy's black, Jamar, you've had a real theme tonight of backing the people with the coloring book jokes, if you know what I mean. Again, I am black. I... And here we go to our senior African-American correspondent on the scene reporting like Jamar neighbors. Oh!

Oh! This nigga look like his s*** night was a social study teacher. Thank you. I'm tomorrow, my little guy name is Compton, California, 1986. Woo! Party it back to Killtony. And we're back in studio here. He looks like the weekend if it was a Monday.

You are kind of a nerdy black guy. Tell us how you ended up this way. I have the glasses. Do you wear your pants? Your parents are still together? No. When did they separate? You guys might have already guessed this, but my dad left.

There you go. My mother was on drugs. I feel you, player. And I guess you're fucking psychic. Yeah, totally psychic. Let me guess. You're, you still don't talk to your father? Oh, I actually do. Oh, I'm not psychic. Yeah. What does he do for work? He's running from parole right now, so. Running from parole. For some reason, I thought he was going to say running for Congress or something like that.

Running for governor. No, running from parole. Luckily, you didn't say this on a huge podcast. Yeah. Oh, I don't know where he is. You know, for all the niggas that are watching this show, man, I got nothing to do with none of this shit, man. I just showed up.

And this is what happened. I love your Tony. Tomorrow also running. Go ahead. No, you go. He looks like he works HR for the Bloods. Oh, shit. for the bloods. Yeah. Oh shit, that killed so hard someone just broke a beer bottle over their head. Unbelievable, doesn't get any better than this.

Middle of Austin. He littleized somebody, wore a skin and gave it back to him dirty. You're the only one on the panel that could have made that joke. That's why I'm sitting. Oh, we're going to work. Oh, we're going to work. I love it. This is incredible.

So you make all your money from home on a laptop computer. What do you do for fun when you're not doing stand-up comedy? What else? Tell us more about you. Oh, I might go out to bars, clubs. I do a lot of reading and what do you do there? What do you do? When you go out to these bars and clubs, tell us what I dance.

I socialize. You dance? How many you want to see? I'm the only one that I'm gonna answer right now. Oh, come on, give me a little something here, John. Give me a little something to dance. You better not tap dance. That's actually what I was gonna go to.

That's immediately what I was going for little dance music here We go one two three four DK oh shit oh Shit Doing the statue of liberty That yeah, I want to make sure that everybody knows what I'm doing So I wanted to do a fist bump. Okay, alright. Show us how you dance at the club, St.K. That's not club music though.

Alright, here's a little club music for ya. The best damn band in the land. John Bees on the keys. Alright, oh shit, he's doing the young panel. The pedophile shuffle here. Uh-oh. Oh my goodness. It's like Bill Cosby shit.

There it is. You give me two-step music, I'm a two-step. Okay, what kind of music do you want? You have any, you have step music? Like music, yeah. Yeah, give me, give me something to get sturdy to. Sturdy. Yeah, they get sturdy to, uh. Alright, I'm 25, I'm not 40. Wow.

Like this is the point that I'm trying to make. Very picky. Play that one. This is the point that I'm trying to make. There, dance to that motherfucker. Alright. If you give me white music, I'm going to have to do white dances. Can you do a white dance?

Hit that again. Yeah. That one more time for me. Yeah. Let's get him to dance. [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ All right. I hate you. That's not- I hate you again. That's not how you guys dance. I hate you again.

Not drunk. It's been a good time, though. Tony, I appreciate you. Indeed. Congratulation. You ended up with a little jokebook last time or I gave you nothing. You gave me a little jokebook last time. Okay. Well, there you go go write something in it. All right There he goes ladies and gentlemen BK

The bucket is real Anything can happen on this show Sometimes the bucket gives us people Twice that have zero jokes and sometimes the bucket gives us people twice that have zero jokes and sometimes the bucket gives us greatness. Your next comedian is a the most recent golden ticket winner in the show's history. Fresh off of winning it three weeks ago, he's done a spot every week since then. I must warn you, he's a special, special creature. The guy is like, if I had no confidence, it's almost like he's sick.

It's almost like he doesn't want to be here at all. He has a very defined self-deprecating style. Make some noise for him. I love him. It's another new minute by the great Rick Diaz, everybody. I've been trying to get rid of my toxic masculinity. I really miss COVID. I miss COVID. I miss COVID. During COVID, people were staying six feet away from me, which was closer than before.

I wouldn't hurt the fly if I tried. I tried. I don't know. Does anybody here have a sexual bucket list? I can help. I don't have a sexual bucket list. I have a sexual bucket. And it's full of tears from Hans Kim. Thank you very much. I've been said, man, Rick. Rick Diaz. Wow.

Another amazing minute from Rick Diaz. A very defined style. Uh... Again, calling out Hans Kim, I love that you want to take his job. You literally are a golden ticket winner. You get to be on the show anytime you want. But you would think that you would never guess, right? I don't even live here.

That's not, he doesn't live here. And he literally wants to take Hans Kim's job from him. That's what foreigners do. They take American's jobs. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Why was there a hawk there? What did the hawk have to do with anything? Just taking his jobs.

All right. Oh, OK. America. OK. Thank you very much. Bill does well. I actually didn't know. So Rick, how's Kim Kongnam? What do you think about this guy? I feel like he still spells boobs on a calculator.

I do. I feel like you're... I feel like you're... With another fives at the end. I feel like your dick smells like a book. My dick smells like a magazine. I'm really happy to see you. I saw your set that sunset strip the other night.

Oh, thank you. Yeah, it was okay. That's it. I'm calling immigration. Only one of us can be here. Holy shit, Rick taking shots at the throne over here. Look at you, the balls on you. There's punish balls are huge. They are, right? You look like you shake when you have sex with a woman. But they like it. Yeah.

I believe in Malone. I believe in Malone. Yeah. Unbelievable. Rick Diaz, a force of nature. Do you have any... Jamar, go ahead and judge me. Oh, I'm a huge fan of you.

Thank you. I had one on luck for you. I won't say it. Fuck it. Niggah, you look like Mr. Burns came out the woods when he became an alien. Run that shit! Look at the way he rolls with things. It is unbelievable. That is what it is all about. Rick Diaz putting on an improv. I'm really sorry you had your pawn, all of those chains. I won. I'm afraid of you, but not because you're black. Because I'm afraid that my shoes not because you're black.

Because I'm afraid that my shoes might get stuck on all that velcro. Oh shit. Man, why are you wearing a woody from Toy Story pants, motherfucker? Because I can fit in them. This is like your ad-lib. This is like your out of all. This is the greatest argument between a criminal and a public defender I've ever seen in my entire life. So are you still trying to protect Hans Kim? Oh my god.

Oh my god. Get up. Get up. Get up. Get up. Get up. Get? Oh my God. Oh my God. Get up. Get up. Get up. Get up. If the Michael settled down over there,

Jesus Christ. Battle drums really. I don't care about the regulars, but if he dies, he dies. Oh! So wait a second. You literally are leaving the United States of America next year. Yes, sir.

And you have one more Monday left in town. One more Monday to take a man's job. I love him. What is this? It doesn't make any sense though. If you win, you won't be here. Would you stay? He has a job working with the EU. That's what I said when I came out here. I was like, P.U.

That's not what you're gonna say later tonight. I'm gonna be saying, someone call 911. Oh, listen, Hanski me selling out theaters all over the country. I did an open mic at a pizzeria. I feel like, fuck it. That's why I'm doing it. I don't give a shit where this takes me. I'll see what happens when it happens.

But Hans Kim was doing an open mic in pizzeria just... Yeah. Two years ago. Yeah, me too. Two years ago, I was doing open mic to an empty crowd in a strip club in Bangkok. Very specific. I don't know. So what do you want? What exactly do you want?

If you became a regular, you'd have to go back to Brussels. You can afford to fly me. No way. You want me to fly you every week from Brussels to Austin? I'll fly myself if you can't afford it. What are you talking about? Oh my God. This guy's runnuit-leavable.

I am gonna fuck him. Yes. Shit! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck him, Kim. We finally found a way to keep him in Europe. He's gonna need that free healthcare after you're done with him. Get out of here. Shut up. And the unemployment benefits. So Rick, seriously, explain to us what the battle plan would be if you beat Hans Kim for

regular ship. If Hans Kim beats me because he brings his A-shit and he gets his act together and he beats me, we'll see what happens. If I beat him, what do you want? I'll give him a non-estory match at New Year's Eve. I'm gonna be in the arena'm gonna read it. I'm gonna read it. I'm gonna read it. I'm gonna read it. I'm gonna read it. I'm gonna read it.

I'm gonna read it. I'm gonna read it. I'm gonna read it. I'm gonna read it. I'm gonna read it. I'm gonna read it. I'm gonna read it. I'm gonna read it.

I'm gonna read it. I'm gonna read it. I'm gonna read it. I'm gonna read it. I'm gonna read it. I'm gonna read it. I'm gonna read it. I'm gonna read it.

I'm gonna read it. I'm gonna read it. I'm gonna read it. I'm gonna read it. I'm gonna read it. I'm gonna read it. tonight but absolutely Hans sorry bro next week your final week in town 60 seconds versus 60 seconds for the regular ship it will be Rik Diaz versus Hans Kim to start next week show and in Rick, Hans stays the regular. But they battle on New Year's Eve in front of him. Yes, sir. Over 8,000 people at the age of 1,000. What if Hans wins and he loses his golden ticket?

Oh. Whoa. Wow, Red Dan with, you only get that one out of every 300 times he talks, folks. I don't know how many of you are real fans of the show, but the king of bad ideas just show that every once in a while he can... Dostop a good one. How does that sound to you? Will you put your golden ticket up on the line?

Now let me remind you, if you lose, that means you don't get to go on every killtony that you want. But if you win, then you battle again, and if you beat him on New Year's Eve, you're the new regular and he's gone. So you become a new regular, this gives you a chance to go back to Brussels, put a ribbon on things, and... Look at this guy, natural soap is fucking star soaking it in, building anticipation, calling off the band, and here we go. Falling off the band and here, we go. Yes! Yes!

Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! If I lose... Fuck it! No fuck you do! Shut up!

Shut up, you fucking trash people! Yeah. If I lose, it's okay. I got the golden ticket. Nobody can take that away from me. If I lose it, I don't give a shit. But I want a chance to recapture that golden ticket at New Year's Eve. Okay, I get it, I love it. It sounds like two great fucking showdowns to me. Next week

Rick Diaz vs. Hans Kim to start the show. But if you fail to get the golden ticket on New Year's Eve, you're never allowed to be on Killtony or... No, no, you're done. Right, there you go. Right back to bad ideas. There he is, everybody. You can set it to a fucking clock. This is like the retarded UFC.

Yeah, it is. It is. It's the UFC took the SAT. That's what's going on here. You ready, Rick? You got it next week, minute versus minute. I mean, fans came to have five punchlines tonight. Yeah, my last joke tonight had five punchlines.

Wow, look at that. Oh, nice. I don't give a fuck. I came here having nothing. Where's Hans? Is Hans up there? I came here having nothing. If I leave with nothing, I'm good with that. Where's Hans? Is Hans up there? I came here having nothing. If I leave with nothing, I'm good with that.

Where's Hans at? We got eyes on Hans? Oh no, this is hilarious. Hey, I want to see this face off. That's what we do. Yes! That's okay. We have a scale back there. Can we get the scale?

We'll have these guys weigh in. Give me a scale. Give me Huns Kim By the way, it's 70.7 degrees Fahrenheit in the room if anybody was wondering 49% humidity I said I stayed up. What are we gonna do? And he is now smiling by the way What do we got? Oh! Oh! Oh shit! Oh! Oh my god! And he is now smiling by the way. He is not smiling. Get in there, Yoni, all the way in.

Straight across. Oh my god. Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh my god! Hot!

Holy shit, everybody! Wow, look at this! Hots! Step up to the microphone! Michael, relax, Jesus Christ! This fucking guy's on goddamn testosterone over there. Duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh! Relax, dude! Oh my god, let me tell you guys something. All fucking, all entertainment aside,

Hans absolutely hates the fact that I challenge him on his regular ship. It bothers him tremendously, but he does see the results week after week after week of the pressure. It's how diamonds are created and here you go. You have this Rick Diaz who for two weeks in a row keeps dropping your... For no reason. You're as if nothing funny or if you know him, then a mad hunts him, by the way.

What you're seeing is real. He's not an actor. This came, by the way. What you're seeing is real. He's not an actor. You see that smile? I would do like, if someone came to your job, I was like, hey, I could do better at your job. I challenge you. A guy that I invited into my home,

he played Catan with me and my girlfriend. I did a podcast with him. And these are what Europeans are like. Don't turn into this. You are American. You have a backbone and it's fine. Oh my God, I love the nerd off you guys are having. It is incredible.

I invited him to my house to play Catan. I let him use my retainer when he went to sleep that night. I swear to God. I gave him a 20% off lens crafters coupon. I let him borrow my fucking calculator. He needed a mat brahler. Computer modulators. This is really gonna Dungeons & Dragons.

Hey, that is true. I hope Rick Diaz wins because he's less... WASISTST. Oh shit. When you come to a dork in the road... Ha! Hans Kim, what do you think about this challenge? No, I don't know if you caught it, but here's what's on the line.

Rick Diaz versus you next week, basically, whoever wins nothing happens. But there's going to be a rematch on New Year's Eve in an arena, in which either you win and you take Rick's golden ticket from him. Technically, this is like in pro wrestling when someone has both the heavyweight championship and basically the intercontinental championship at the exact same time, you would have a golden ticket

which would mean nothing to you other than the fact that you took it from some European that thought he could take your job. Let me remind you, Hans, that you are beloved on this show, and every single time I believe you're what? 6 and 0 all time in challenges. I'm not a director. Why is it padded? Padded? Why is it padded? Explain to us why.

I love that you two hate each other How long have you been doing it? Oh my god, Hans how long have you been doing it? 10 oh shit Look how pissed he is something you might not be able to see it Maybe you need to know Hans a little bit better like I do, but that is his fucking furious face. I mean, right now he's smiling, but you're gonna see it's gonna go right back to it. Watch Rick say something, say something Rick, say anything, anything at all. That is weird. It's weird because he's kind of smiling. That is weird.

It's weird because these kind of smiling. Most people, if they're smiling a little bit, you're like, oh, that person's all right. Han smiles a little bit right before he's about to kill somebody. He's playing that rape game. All right. Okay. Red band, a little bit less.

Put the mic down. Put the mic down. Let's focus on the sound effects or something. So Hans Kim, you have a chance to take Rick's golden ticket from him. Why don't we just skip next week and announce it for New Year's Eve and we'll take care of business then. How about that? Does that sound good? Yes. Okay. Well, Hans is extra excited about this. New year's year golden ticket versus regular ship. We have a scale there. When you stand on

the scale for no reason whatsoever. We have an actual scale 177.6 pounds and here we go Rick Diaz is gonna There you go Rick Diaz is gonna stand on the scale. This is incredible It's it's not picking up anything Now it's 146.4 away and for no reason New Year's Eve, regular ship versus Golden Ticket winner. For basically citizenship, Kilt Tony giving immigrants of all different shapes and sizes of chance at making it big in show business.

Rick tightening the mic stand just tight enough. There he goes. Rick Diaz, everybody. Which one did I, that one was supposed to be? Okay, wow. Story line folks, New Year's Eve. I had no idea. That could go either way. The thing is, is Rick, you know, we've seen less new minutes from him and with four years He probably has a lot of minutes of good material up his sleeve, but Hans

Really good at writing topical jokes and beloved by this crowd that literally watched him go from absolutely broke To to a success story. So like the fans of Killtony are deeply invested in Hans's success. And plus, he's an American and Rick Diaz is a filthy fucking hero, you know what I meant? It's tough to beat. I would give Hans, I would say Hans is a minus 100 favorite there. Okay, your next comedian straight out of the bucket. Let's see what happens here. I would say Hans is a minus 100 favorite there. Oh, man. Okay, your next comedian straight out of the bucket. Let's see what happens here.

You guys having fun still? All right. This is 60 seconds uninterrupted going to Jordan J. Everyone. Here we go. Jordan J. Jordan J is next on Kiltoni. Should be coming out any second. Here comes Jordan J everyone.

He's inside. Okay. Here is Jordan J. Hell yeah, how y'all doing? You doing good? Hell yeah, I'm glad to be here. Man, just move the all-stim-man. That's a really diverse down here, man. I'm by ratio. My daddy black, my

mama white, growing up sometimes she was black and blue. So good, though. I don't judge my parents, man, because I figured out I want kids, you know, just not right now. Not right now. They doing stuff I can't get behind. Like, if I have a daughter, she got still a girl. I'm not transphobic. I'm just selfish. Did you know it cost $100,000 to change from female to male? Yeah, so if anybody in that house getting the new dick. I'm gonna get the new dick. I'm gonna get the new dick. I'm gonna get the new dick. I'm gonna get the new dick.

It's gonna be me. It's gonna be me. What I like by the hood of new bans, I'm still walking around with the same old hootie. I get the new one, she can have the hand me down. Hey y'all, it's been great. That's my time. Shorting chat. You can head a hand me down. Yeah, big great, that's my time. Jordan Chang. Wow. Flexing one of my favorite things about the show

is when there's someone I remember you from shows at Vulcan, right? And even maybe the place before that? No, I was just Vulcan. No, Vulcan. It wasn't my first time. Anyway, that was your first time on the show? Yeah, it was my second time here.

Right, second time on the show is right now. Second time on the show, yes sir. And the first time did Naka that well whatsoever? No, it did, it went great. It did? Yeah, yeah, I got a big joke book. Uh, big, yeah. This went better?

This was great. This was even better I think. It said both went great. Which one if you had to pick one to go better? Which one's it's? Oh, I'll say this one. Yeah, yeah, can we in the mother's shoe? Okay.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah. So I was right with everything that I was saying the entire time. Okay. It was the episode, Hans Kim got his tattoo. Okay. All right. Yeah, yeah.

You look like Chuckie grew up in Compton. Shut up the Compton. Yeah. It looked like Rilana Rose if she took the vaccine. Chuckie grew up in Compton. Shut up to Compton. Yeah, it looked like Rilana Rose if she took the vaccine. Whoa. Keep going, keep going. Oh, shut up. Oh, my goodness.

You look like Carrot Top and Blackface. Keep going! Keep going! Yeah, you trying to fool it? Whoa! Keep going! Whoa! You look like Blake Griffin if he drove a Kia.

Oh, shit! She got a bite of the cheeseburger! That means Jemar loved that joke. That is absolutely incredible. If Blake Griffin drove a Kia. Jordan J, how long have you been doing stand-up comedy? Two and a half years now. And where are you from? Dallas. Dallas. And how long have you from? Dallas. Dallas. Yep. And how long have you been here?

Two weeks. You've moved here two weeks ago. Yeah, man. OK. How does it feel? What's changed? Oh, shit a lot, bro. Like, the pussy down here, crazy.

It really is. I mean, I have to say, I'm just saying, like, the level of beauty in the women in Austin is crazy. And I kind of forgot about it until I've been, not you ladies, but I saw you earlier. Don't make noise fear of something. But no, it's crazy. I was just in Kansas City on Friday,

Indianapolis, on Saturday. You see thousands of people at once at a time, in a day, and then another city the next day. And then you come to the Austin, literally the fucking airport, and you're like, oh, that's right. Yeah. There's a whole different thing here. Like the hottest people in Kansas City and Indianapolis

are monsters here. Monsters. Disgusting. Impossible to look at. ["Monsters"] And this guy just got hard again. OK. Jordan J, tell us about your love life.

Are you closing with these Austinites? Yeah, man, it's been kind of crazy though lately, man. Because I like six and shit, you know. But like I figured out like, I like to take showers before six and then put my underwear on anyways. You're on a second here. Let's get this order of events correctly here. So you know you're about to have sex with a girl,

she's at your place. And you're like, I'm gonna jump in a shower by yourself or with her. No man, solo gotta wash her nuts good Solo got to wash the nuts, good. You got to wash your nuts good. Yes. Okay, and then you put underwear on. Yes, one of my guard lists.

Even though if you're just about to jump right into it, you go underwear back on. Yeah, it's the feeling of taking them off. I get that. You don't have to tell me out. And if you shower beforehand, you get to take them off twice. Yeah, it's the pool down. when your dick hard is foot and then the last you bang run across that dick Yeah Whoa this guy's interested all of a sudden

That guy's got a fucking huge cock on him. That's what's happening there Wow secrets out dude Okay, guys, come on. Okay, guys, got a fucking huge cock on him. That's what's happening there. Wow, secret's out, dude. What's up, dude, you on property? Yeah. Hell yeah. Hey, hey, hey, she for sale. Oh, shit. Not for you.

Oh my goodness. This is incredible. Wow. And you're kind of like, what do we consider you? You're a somehow a white mom, black dad, and you came out kind of red. Yeah. It's weird because if you move the words around in ginger, you can get. You get it?

Hey, hey, hey. Hold on, let's check in with our senior African American correspondent here. Hey, I'm tomorrow, like I'm in the English Republic of California. If you switch gender around, there needs to be two G-G-I-N-G-Oh, hell no. Yeah, I'm going back to Tony Hands, please. Spelling B champion, Tony. Call him no bino, fucking call him no bino. Yeah, man.

Yeah. Last song I think. Out. Bino indeed. So does the carpet match the drapes? Is it, uh, yeah? Yeah, yeah. No, no, no.

No, yeah. It's weird because it it like it go through like one of the seasons change like it go from right yeah this is actually we have a chart of what your pubes if Jamar turn your head sideways we have a chart this is how it starts and as the seasons go on it gets dark and then red again and then dark and red again. This is January through February and then March gets a little April, May and then June for some reason. We go dark again. Winter is where everything dies.

And July to October here and then a little something special for Christmas and New Year's at the end there. Shout out to June team. Red bands gonna have to go in and fix every time you drop that mic. And then look at him, look at him. Ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh, We gotta play the Lion King shit. Yeah, that's what happens. That's a red band's version of the N word. When he gets mad at a black person, he hits that sound effect. Ah! Ah!

She's not on the Jesse Jackson. I love it. So let me ask you something, Jordan, because you are, we don't get that too many light-skinned black guys on the show, so do you look up to other light-skinned people? Yeah, who are some of your favorites? Drake. Whoa.

I think that's about it, man. Steph Curry, Colin Kaepernick. Y'all folk calling. You do. Yeah, could you get that person? White peopleall folk collar. You do? Yeah. Could you get an episode why people love this? Yeah, yeah he is. We don't like him. No.

This guy definitely doesn't like him. Oh yeah. All right, well, fun times, Jordan. You already have a big joke, book you have a gel blaster, business is booming for you. Jordan, I'd love to have you on the secret show Thursday. Yeah, yeah. Thank you.

You're also going to leave here with some Zipix toothpicks as you walk off backstage. I don't have any up here of a Zipix. Smoke more. Smoke less Zip more. Zipix toothpicks. Don't smoke more. Don't do that.

Don't smoke more. Use Zipix toothpicks. All right, pulled another name out of the bucket. We haven't fun out there tonight, huh? It's a fun episode. I like it like this. It's just the machine is rolling. Everything is fully operational. How about another hand for my amazing guests, Jammar neighbors and Kim Hong and Revin Funier? This is so much fun!

Make some noise to your next comedian 60 seconds uninterrupted for Chad Dixon. Chad Dixon is next on the Killtony. Here he is. Make some noise for Chad everybody. These people wait all night for this. Make some noise for Chad Dexon, everyone. Oh! Hell yeah, back to back, Jimgers. What a treat for you all. Oh my gosh.

My name is Chad. I actually come from a long line of shitty names. Yeah. My grandfather's name was Gaylord. True story. My father's name was also Gaylord. It took a while to crack the code. I heard recently that dogs can smell lung cancer on your breath.

I'd hate to see the prostate exam. So, my God, this is our German-chempered Milo. He's going to be smelling your asshole today. Boy, he likes you. Would you sit in peanut butter money? Would you? I'm just kidding. You got cancer.

I hate this part, guys. My girlfriend just broke up with me. Yeah. Like three years ago. Thank you, that's been tough, it's been a tough year. She had the perfect body, you know, perfect body for past blocking in the NFL. You know what I'm saying? Just calling them out. Okay.

Chad Dixon, everybody. Hell yeah, Chad. I'm just calling them out. Okay. Chad Dix and everybody. Hell yeah, Chad. Thank you. Mike, goodness gracious. Welcome to the show, Chad. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? I've been in Austin for two years.

I did it before COVID. I don't know. Everyone has their starting date. They're like October 20th. I don't really know. A ballpark? That's a three. Three years. Okay. All of it here in Austin. Two in Austin. Where'd you move from? Syracuse, New York.

Wow. Yeah. Upstate, New York. This explains a lot about the lack of punchlines in your material. We had the whole real, the whole process. Bad audiences, bad uh, who's the best comedian out of upstate New York ever? Rick James has been called on the field. John D's has nominated Rick James. Is the funniest comedian. Chad, what do you do for work? What exactly type of inspections do you do for a living? You seem like an inspector. Uh, I do no inspecting. Actually I'm an eighth grade science teacher.

Whoa! Not with that mustache. Yeah. Did you know you come from a long line of faggots? Because you said gay lords? Alright, happy king. That's what it means. Happy king.

You know what I'm saying? You look like you sniff the seats at Chuck E. Cheese. Is that really what I look like? Do I look like I sniff this at you? Yeah. Not no. That's fair. Yeah, you do have some pedophile energies. Do you like

Teach one of the let me guess you coach one of the girls sports at the School that you teach science out of my correct soccer. Hey teach the girls volleyball. No, I don't I do this is what I do after work. What? I do open my comedy after work. I don't know extra curricular activities for you. You're not the anything. A lot of school teachers, eighth grade science teachers, for example, like, will be the softball coach or something like that. Yeah, we've got like two sports teams, so I think they're pretty well covered. They've got like rifle and they've got you watch them with binoculars from a crowd of the year window.

Okay, Chad, what do you do for fun? How old are you? Old do you think I am? 72. 38. 33. So I'm glad 38. That seemed like a real guess. 33, whatever.

I think even actual guests for those of you that might have missed it, everybody. He wanted to genuinely be right about this on a comedy show. Five years plus or minus. We teach about plus or minus five in science. You know, that's kind of a thing error. So when she's like, I'm only 15. You're like, Oh, hell.

Oh, hell. Hey, hey, got this. Big pedophile crowd here, big. It wasn't until you got a message. Some mustache dog. Yeah. He looked like he glued nerds candy on his asshole to attract his tight.

It's standing apart. Nerds and turds and nerds and turds. No, I tried to dress up. I don't know what else to wear. He's always dressed like that. You always dress like a guy that has a few beers all by himself at the end of an empty bar. I mean, kind of like this.

Just like. I would go to that bar. If these were the worst people, I would go to that bar. OK. All right, no problem. No problems here. I don't know where we're going. You've seen the show, right?

I have. I love it. Chad, what do you do for fun, other than open mics and stand-up comedy and teaching eighth grade? Do you seem like you're good at something? Roller skating? You'd be abnormally good at roller skating. I love roller skating. I'm like seamlessly turning and stuff like I have a feeling you're really good at something.

I bet I'm good at everything I do maybe you know maybe we could all okay let the jokes about comedy but uh what okay you're good at everything that you do the question was what is it that you do? All right. Well, I mean it changes it changes. I've been getting into swimming lately. I mean is that in 15-year-old pussy? Yeah, Kim has decided you are officially a pedophile. I'm sorry. Thank you for that. Appreciate that. Thank you You are officially a pedophile. I'm sorry. Thank you for that. Appreciate that.

Thank you. Ha, ha. That, uh, so swimming. What kind of swimming are you doing? We're going to Barton Springs. We're freestyle and, whoa. We're going for about two minutes hard, and then about eight minutes of survival.

When you say hard, because there was a 15-year-old there. Yeah. Yeah. Pfft. I'm not. 15-year-old there. Yeah. Pfft. I'm not.

It'll be easier. This is fun. Woo, this is. Yeah. No, it is. This is your 15 minutes of fame. Whoa. What do we got for that one?

15 minutes more like pedophile am I right? We did take the ball and run with it. Like you did with your pedophile. I'll play around with 15 year olds, so they chased you back to your man. This is just leaning into it. You gotta lean into it. This is my path now, guys. We had a clean rap sheet before this, but hey. It is incredible.

It is incredible. What kind of car do you drive? 2018 4-runner. And that was after I've had multiple vehicles stolen from Austin, give it up to Austin police, not finding those vehicles. What vehicles were stolen exactly? Yes, yes, yes. After I've had multiple vehicles stolen from Austin, give it up to Austin police, not finding those vehicles. What vehicles were stolen exactly?

Yes! No! One of your dates leave on one of your big wheels? Pfft! Pfft! Oh fuck yeah dude. Fuck yeah. They got some of that.

He do a little like Pee Wee Herman in AA. Oh boy. Do we still want to know the vehicles? Does anyone care really about my vehicle? Yeah, what are the vehicles? We want to know. First vehicle I ever bought, Jeep Wrangler, fucking. A Barbie Jeep Wrangler.

Yeah. The Jeep ain't the only thing. That ain't the only thing. That ain't the only thing. All right, what else? The Jeep Wrangler? And then a vehicle, my girlfriend, her, our Tacoma got stolen. So big Toyota crowd. I had pretty hard here.

I don't know. I don't know what a Voyager is. I had a Hyundai here. I don't know. I'm an avoidger. Any voyagers? Is he happening? I don't know what a voyager is. I had a Hyundai accent for a while. It's a van. Whoa! Whoa! Oh, he's like that.

Oh, no. Oh, no. Psh! Psh! Psh! Psh! Psh! Psh! Do you know whysh! Psh! Psh! Psh! Psh! Psh! Psh! Psh! Psh! Psh! Psh! Psh! Psh! Psh! Psh! Psh! Psh! Psh! Psh! Psh! Psh! Psh! Psh! Psh! Psh! Psh! Psh! Psh! Psh! Psh! Psh! Psh! Psh! Psh! Psh! Psh! Psh! Psh! Psh! Psh! Psh! Psh! Psh! Psh! Psh! Psh! Psh! Psh! Psh! Psh! Psh! Psh! Psh! Psh! Psh! Psh! Psh! Psh! Psh! Psh! Psh! Psh! Psh! Psh! Psh! Psh! Psh! Psh! Psh! Psh! Psh! Psh! Psh! Psh! Psh! Psh! Psh! Psh! Psh! Psh! Psh! Psh! Psh! Psh! Psh! Psh! 28-year-old pussy tonight. If you count two 14-year-olds as 28, am I right?

Still a cat on my... Oh, no! And still a petafile. Chad Bixon, kids. Dixon. Chad Bixon, little girls. Take the mustache off Chad, let's see if that helps. How many of you think you should take up this mustache?

Thank you. All right, Chad, fun times, you're a pedophile, we love you. Thank you. All right. Chad, fun times. You're a pedophile. We love you. I'll tell you what. The set was terrible, but I like the way that you handled the interview so much. Chad, look over here. Look over here.

I like the way you handled the interview so much that I'm going to give you a real Texas leather joke book by the great bones on. I can tell there's... I look in those eyes, and I see there's something there. And what is there? A pedophile. There you go. You're gonna leave with a gel blaster.

Now let me remind you, the people that you shoot with this, make sure they're wearing goggles at the time. He looked like when he get hard as Dick pointed near his tinger. It's like he puts the comic compass. I think 45 jokes was enough about the whole thing. I think we've it. I think we, we, yeah. There he goes, everybody.

I was's kidding around Yeah We kid we can we're like you we can we can we there you go Chad Nixon every man is gonna run his mayor him set it Dem set it there he goes everybody's leaving Chad Nixon Nixon comedy everybody All right, what are we doing we started late right? Chad Dixon. Chad Dixon comedy, everybody. All right, what are we doing? We started late, right?

All right, we have another golden ticker winner. We're going to fly through it real quick. This guy, famously from Houston, Texas, moved to Austin, Texas, got a job working at a bucky. This is a brand new minute from in the Rige Chacon, everybody. Here he is. Yo, yo, yo, what's up, motherfuckers? Hell yeah, man, I have a problem.

I've been trying to look more like a man recently. So I've been wearing boots and buying shit at the tractor supply. I even got a new haircut man and honestly I just ended up looking like Kim Jong-un's sister, bro. Y'all came laughing and I'm gonna call my brother, bro. Everybody in this room is gonna starve. My girl's six foot one, half black, half white, right? I'm five,7 with heels on. I swear to God it feels like I'm strengthening

my bloodline up in this bitch, dude. My kids won't know the pain of being 5'7, man. But if they're digs, get bigger than mine, they're gonna know the pain of not having a father. My girl took me to the black club for the first time, and it was tight, man. A cool black dude approached me, he was like, hey, man, that's all you.

And I was like, yeah, that's all me. And he was like, man, can you handle all that? And I couldn't. Because once the twerk music started playing, I didn't know what to do behind her. So I was just racing my hands up in the air. Later, somebody told me that I looked like the inflatable two-minute club. Thank you.

And Rika, check on. Appreciate you. There's adorable energies, self-deprecation, unbelievable. You did it again. Kim Kong, then what do you think about this sweet boy? You're fucking amazing. You look like car-blowedsmansia. What? Damn. You look like your mom's's mencee. What the fuck? Damn, you look like your mom's only fan is Hurricane Maria. Oh shit.

Yeah, that's because my mom gets wet. Whoa. Yeah. Make some noise for Kim's mom's wet pussy. Yeah. That's right. She came. Kim came out of that thing like

it was a water slide at six minutes. No, I like, I like Royce O'Donnell. Fuck, dude. You are adorable Enrique. You are something else. How's life been going for you? Tell us about it. Pretty good, Tony. I finally got healthy sharrows from her. Absolutely. Thank you. Look at this. They know what the fuck I. Pretty good, Tony. I finally got healthy insurance, bro. Ha ha ha. Absolutely.

Thank you, no, look at this. They know the fuck I'm talking about, man. I can finally get some glasses, man. Oh, yeah, man. What are you doing with your health insurance? Glasses? I'm gonna get a physical, finally, do that. Physical?

Oh, shit. I got bad news for you, dude. Ah! Ha ha ha. You're not gonna be happy. You're sweating right now. That is not good for a physical. It's dope, Tony.

Having that insurance card almost makes me feel like a citizen, man. This motherfucker at Harburn, they gotta call it a fire department. Oh, fuck, Jim, I'm fucking, Jim. Oh, fat nigga wearing a skinny jeans. This is crazy. Man, shutar! Ha! Fat nigga wearing a skinny jeans. This is crazy. Lash it off!

That is the thing. You need like a hot topic security guard, bro. What the fuck? Oh shit. Oh shit. Give him a bite of your burger. Give him a bite of your burger. God damn burger.

Hell yeah. He's been eyeballing it since he got up here. He deserves it. It's the only way I could kill him. I can't deal with jokes. I'm down to go out on this. His voice sound like he talking to a walkie-talkie real loud. I better block your pillow, Walter!

Looks like breathing makes him run out of breath. Jossam Holes, bro. I'm about to be a fucking peloton after this. LAUGHTER I love it. I mean, incredible. What type of exercise do you do? What is the most...

You're watching it. It is incredible. He's wiping sweat from his face. He's not old from his face. He's not old enough to be this sweaty at all. I feel like a Baptist preacher right now, bro. How? No one! I gotta do what I gotta do.

How old are you in Rieke? I just started 27. 27 years old and, I mean, obviously obviously very high blood pressure. And there's a lot going on here. 27, you're adorable, you're super likable, but I mean, it seems like you're in terrible shape. Literally, I'm gonna go back to again, what type of working out do you do in real life?

What's the most that you do? Is it really coming up? These stairs at the mother's show? What is it? It's partly that, so recently I rescued two goats, I rescued two goats from this slaughtered house. So I rescued two goats from this slaughterhouse. To the slaughterhouse. OK.

You likes them tar tar. You wrestled two goats at a what? This slaughterhouse, I rescued them two of them. They're beautiful goats. I think that's the most thing I do, I just like scoop their shit up, you know, 10 to them, feed them. The slot, what? Where do you keep these goats? I have a, so me and my girl got a big ass property, right? So I was tired of doing yard work, Tony, I was, man. So I decided to get some fucking goats, you know, and the goats eat the grass. They do everything. Do you see these fucking assholes know?

Yeah. Wow. Damn. I was at the front. You've been called the N-word by a black guy and an asshole by a Mexican tonight. Welcome to Austin. Welcome. You don't see that out in Fort Worth. So I picked up one of the goats right and before the guy gave it to me, he was like, man, I gotta let you know this goat is her maferdite. And he was like, do you want them? And I was like, yeah, man, I don't want to sound homophobic, you know? Yeah.

So I got to see him at home. Damn. Wow. Incredible. What is it? What's it like? Is it at balls of a jaina? What's going on? I haven't molested it yet, bro. We can do it together Tony. Hell yeah, it's a throat goat. Hell yeah, not bad. All right, stupid, stupid, had to do it. And Rike, wow. So how's work at Bucky's going? Everybody knows you work at Bucky's?

Sometimes you're the mascot. Oh, actually not anymore. You're looking at the new cigarette manager at Bucky's luck. Whoa, you got bumped up. That's all I do, Count Siger-Rez. Hell yeah. Talk to representatives, Rome. I love it.

Guess my blood pressure going, dude. Yeah, absolutely. Making the big box. I love it. And that's a big race, right? Oh yeah, it's a big race. Amazing. Well, it's the health insurance. Amazing. Hands to the health insurance.

Oh, that's how you got it. I think a man is going to go with a circle room. Incredible. Use the health insurance, Rika. Yeah. Use it. Cache and... What is?

Yeah, I'm told, maybe we're going to have the same front-view care physician, dude. You never know. What? What? I think he's dying right now. You are sweating profusely. I've never seen a wet front before about...

I'm done. I'm done. Eh? It's not a slur if you make it up yourself. Oh, I'm done. I'm also with like, Kim's mom, you know? Yes. Yes. Alright. Yeah.

He look like he's stutter like this. Ba-da-papa-papa. Oh. God damn. Absolutely. God damn you, God damn you, you get it. You guys keep making fun of me. I love it.

What were you doing at a slaughterhouse? And I think it's pronounced waffle house. All right. He was writing bad jokes. He was getting beat up by Rocky, nigga, when he was training for Cup of Lang. Rocky rode, maybe. Damn.

All right. Enrique, you're adorable. We love you. Golden ticket winner from Houston, now lives in Austin. Yeah, I'm in the back. Enrique Chacon. You guys have red band wanted to endzecon. Yeah, that's it. Red band wanted to end the show, but I pulled one more name out of the bucket.

Is that okay? Your final bucket poll of the night. Let's see what happens here. 60 seconds uninterrupted. This looks like a new name to me. Let's all meet them together. John Stork. Everybody.

John Stork. Oh hell yeah. One more time for John Stork, everybody. Come on, your final bucket pull of the night, Kilt Tony, giving anyone a chance at 60 seconds. Here he is, John Stork. I wasn't the most promising child scholastically. I remember thinking there was a letter in the alphabet called Elemeno.

For over ten years my main gig was being a busker. For those of you who don't know, busker is a fancy word for street performer, and street performer is a fancy word for someone who never graduated from high school. I'm just playing. I never went to high school. I was homeschooled. Went to public school from kindergarten through fifth grade. Then my parents pulled me out because I was weird and didn't fit in.

So homeschooling really helped with that. Sometimes I wish my dad had just pulled out. I'm not going to be a fan of you. Fuck yeah, John Stork everybody, 60 seconds. And then some, I love it. I was very funny. Thank you. How's it going? How long you been on standup? About two years, solidly now. Two years. Preparing to be a stay-at-home husband, I guess. Stay-at-home husband. What type of street performing were you doing?

I did an act with acrobatics and fire and handstands. Wow. That kind of jazz. That sounds amazing. What made you stop that? Were you making good money? I was doing OK. I was living in Key West full time.

And this hippie kid came in named Benjamin and tried to do a fire show. And he lit himself on fire. And a tourist lady, too. And his response was to push her into the ocean, but she couldn't swim. Nobody died, but the city of QS said no more fires. Right. That sounds like an actual fire fest.

Amazing. Amazing. I wasn't there that night. What I would give for video with that. You shlight a lady on fire, throw her in the ocean. She can't swim. Yeah. Damn.

Do you have video of that? No. I don't know if anyone captured it. If it was captured, I think it was confiscated for legal purposes. Right. Is it credible? Is it credible? And then after that, you went into skies.

You started dressing like the Bobbiduke. Ha-ha. Ha-ha. Ha-ha. Ha-ha. Ha-ha. Ha-ha. OK. a Duke. Okay, stay at home husband. This is really something that's happening. Where would you meet this little lady and what kind of a hula hoops of fire does she do for a living?

She sells insurance, so very different from what I was doing, but she was on vacation in Key West as how we met. Nice. And she was like, I want the lucky charm, this guy. Ha, ha, ha, ha. She's like, I've always wanted to fuck the mascot of Notre Dame. Oh.

Oh. Oh. People like a magician that only pull a hero when not to hat. And then nigga, what you want? Nigga, whoa, I got everything. I got to fit in all shit. I got to lay shit.

I don't know. Stay at home husband, and that's in Key West. That's where you live still? No, we live in San Antonio. No, that's where she was living. So that's where we moved. That's sad as fuck. I fuck.

San Antonio, not a ton of art there. No, I was trying to busk on the pearl and they kicked me out. There was a guy earlier that tried to busk on a kid, you know what I mean? 15-year-old to be specific. He was trying to busk enough. Oh, deesh. Oh, de-madness in the mother fucking house. Giving a lot of funny commentary that you guys don't always get to hear.

A lot of, oh my God. Sorry. All right. So, John, Stork, is there any chance you could do like a trick or something? If you're such a busker, I mean- Okay. Elon Busco, you're in Austin now. Can we get some busking music?

Is he guys know any good busking? Oh, hey, oh, here we go. Oh shit, hey, let's fucking bus, baby. Whoa, oh shit. Wow, oh my goodness. Very impressive! Jamar neighbors has turned into the Baba Dark! Ha ha ha!

I'm live from Compton, California, and oh! We're gonna check in with our senior African American correspondent. Oh wait, you took the hat off for gal... It was going off from Compton, California, and a cop, a cop, a cop, a cop, a cop, a cop, a cop, a cop, a cop, a cop, a cop, a cop, a cop, a cop, a cop, a cop, a cop, a cop, a cop, a cop, a cop, a cop, a cop, a cop, a cop, a cop, a cop, a cop, a cop, a cop, a cop, a cop, a cop, a cop, a cop, a cop, a cop, a cop, a cop, a cop, a cop, a cop, a cop, a cop, a cop, a cop, a cop, a cop, a cop, a cop, a cop, a cop, a cop, a cop, a cop, a cop, a cop, a cop, a cop, a cop, a cop, a cop, a cop, a cop, a cop, a cop, a cop, a cop, a cop, a cop, a cop, a cop, a cop, a cop, a cop, a cop, a cop, a cop, a cop, a cop, a cop, a cop, a cop, a cop, a cop, a cop, a cop, a cop, a cop, a cop, a cop, a cop, a cop, a cop, a cop, a cop, a cop, a cop, a cop, a cop, a cop, a cop, a cop, a cop, a cop, a cop, a cop, a cop, a cop, a cop, a cop, a cop, a cop, a cop, a cop, a cop, a cop, a cop, a cop, a cop, a cop, cop, a cop, a cop, a cop, a cop, cop, a cop, cop, a cop, a cop, a cop, a cop, a cop, a cop, a cop, John, have you ever done any drugs? Well... Oh! John, I like your style and I like it a lot. We're gonna put a ribbon on this episode. You're gonna leave here with a gel blaster and a big joke book.

Congratulations. Thank you. Sign up again sometime, only an hour drive from San Antonio. Make some noise for John's Stork, everybody. There he goes. We've got one last one up there, leaving with a gel blaster, some zippx toothpicks, and a bone-side Kiltzoni jokebook. And I'm telling you these

things get fucking cooler and cooler every week. It's actually unbelievable. Handcrafted by Bones Eye, they're available at Killmerch.com. Our unbelievably successful merch store. There's a lot of cool shit on it including the currently sold out, restocking, Cam Patterson, plain white tea that has a tiny red kiltony tag at the bottom left corner and comes with a free rock. All right.

You guys are ready to put a ribbon on this show or what? How many of you have been fans of the show for a long time? Well, ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the man with the record for the most appearances all time on the show, the most interviews all time on the show. The one, the only, the Memphis Strangler, the vanilla gorilla, the Sasparila, the Big Red Machine, William Montgomery, everybody. some very exciting news. I've started a church. The good news is gay people are allowed. The bad news. They got a tied 25%. Isn't it weird? How every time I

Google search Ron Paul, a SWAT team, hogtized me in FedEx, is me to Guantanamo Bay. Three buddies went to check into a Lakinta Inn in Nashville this past week and ended up managing the hotel for hours after they discovered no one was working there. I actually have a confession. I was actually selling the employees X-Bars out of room 217 and they all blacked out. I never

go stop selling X-Bars out of room 217. It has come out the comedian Hassan Manage has been lying about Stop still is dead, I suppose, I don't remember who to say that. It has come out that comedian Hassan Manage has been lying about being the victim of racism for years to remain relevant. From a white girl dumping him in high school to people sending him anthrax. Now I'm starting to question whether he was actually raped by Russell Brand. Okay, that's my time. Thank you. actually raped by Russell Brand. Oh! Oh! Oh! Okay, that's my time.

Thank you. One minute, nine seconds for the veteran of not only the show, but obviously the Civil War William Montgomery. Absolutely incredible. You did it again. Love the joke at the end, making fun of two comedians at once. Jamar and I started stand up with Hassan Manage. Do you remember that?

Yeah, he used to pull up at Marty's and shit. Marty's is a, um, yeah, it was barely a comedy club. It was really some dudes like living room that really wanted, I don't know, what do you think he inherited money or something like that? All I know is he rate business on that couch and that wasn't good. He did? Probably. Probably?

He meant how salmonized. I paid $5 to get raped on that couch. Yeah, I was there. I watched that jacked off to an unnamed thing. I remember it's salmonized. What do you remember about his salmonage though? I'm curious. No, no, no, real shit.

Like, ayo, you were the hard worker. He did pull up with new jokes every time and shit like that. That's all I fucking remember. But he was a hard worker, so I'm fucked up about you shitting on him. Well, you're gonna have to deal with that, and I- So sorry, so sorry. I'm so sorry. We need to have a little bit of that.

The saddest part is that we can clearly hear the microphone dropping. And I have to- I just want to say something though, we can clearly hear the microphone dropping. Oh. And I have to, I just want to say something, though. Redban, I know today is like your Christmas. It's National Cheeseburger Day. Oh, wow. Look at that. Unbelievable.

Eat it, bitch! Out of damn chance! Wow, Redban using an inside-inside reference. Shout out to not a damn chance! Wow, Red Band using an inside-inside reference. Shout out to Not a Damn Chance Burgers, one of our local favorites here in Austin, Texas. I actually, even though the owner keeps inviting my friends that visit from New York and LA to have to go to the place instead of bringing them here,

it drives me absolutely crazy. But he doesn't. Shout out to Philip, everybody. He's here tonight. He's the kind of power I possess is to make my friends feel awkward about doing shit that annoys me on a show. Yeah, card I use rarely, but when I do, very effective.

Not a damn chance, burgers. Is literally one of the best burgers in the world has to be. He's one multiple Michelin stars. Some of the best. He gave Michelin stars in Austin. I think he would win one here, but you know what I found out? They don't do that. It's only in New York and LA.

Isn't that right, Philip? More than those two, but not here. Oh, okay. More than those two, but not here. How about a hand for my friend, Philip? Literally, they wanted the best chef, some planet Earth. Sushi by scratch. Restaurants.

Best sushi in the world. It's the best sushi in the world. And literally the best. The burgers are so good that I think they're fucking too good. And I sleep deeply after the burgers. They literally I can't work after eating one of his burgers. So I have to eat it at the end of the night. Tony, I actually, you brought up Marty's.

When I moved to LA, I was doing the Open mics at Marty's. And I remember one night, I was high as fuck on cocaine, and I think butt-isas, and I held my breath in that place for two and a half fucking minutes. Yeah, that's just what I remember about Marty's. I held my breath two and a half minutes, sir. Well, I also remember you from the movie Scary Movies with the little hands,

the new little hand. Try not to. Try not Movies with the little hands. The little little hands. Try not to. Try not. Because of my little hands. Is there anything you want to say to Jamar after what he just said to you, William? No, I have to hold my tongue right now. I mean, I have to. No, man, because I got another one lined up, so it may be a good response to yours.

Jamar, uh, roast god, William Montgomery, loading up right now. Famous for his incredible roast skills. Oh shit, there's the corpse of John Binet Ramsey taking a P break right now. I fucked, I fucked her. I better be nice. She's good. What a brawn, bitch, holy shit. I saw your titty. Oh my fucked. I fucked her. I better be nice. Put a brawn bitch holy shit. I saw

your titty. Oh my god. Oh my god nice. Yeah. Bring it up. Get your bitch in check. Dude, what the fuck? Till arrest put a brawn. Dude, what the fuck? That is true. And you should probably put one on as well, sir. Oh. Oh. Incredible. William, what else is going on this week? Tell us about your actual life. Oh, man.

What? Why are you already fucking laughing? You fucking idiot. I haven't even said anything. Oh, shit. He's mad at you. He appears to be white spiky sitting in the front row here. Spikier drinkly.

William, what about you? What about your life? sitting in the front row here. Spike your drink, Lee. William, what about you? What about your life? You just acknowledged a random person in the front row when I asked about you. Tony, I'm super excited about the end of the week. I'm finally going to the water park in between here and St. Antonio.

What is that place called? I can't. There's a... Schlytherbon. Finally going to Schlytherbon. Uh... Uh-huh. What? What your cancer?

Like, aren't you not supposed to be in the sun? Redban bringing up skin cancer. Yeah, there's the green. Here we go. Comedy Lord Redban bringing up Williams. I actually have to go back to the dermatologist. I think I have fucking skin cancer now, right by my nose. Why are you laughing, you fucking idiot? I'm not even kidding.

So I hope I look really cool with a big scar on my face because I'm about to have a big scar when they have to remove it. I've been dealing with that, Tony. I mean, I'm trying to have fun. I'm trying to have a really good time at Schlitterbond at the end of the week, but all I can think about. Kim Kongden. I think you have comedy cancer. Whoa. Wow. Wait, that's a good thing. I'm taking a shot at one of the most beloved characters in the history of the show.

This is incredible. This is the moment. We've all been waiting for William eyeballing her, looking her up and down. Anything can happen right now. I think you got cancer your butt bitch And tomorrow I think you have cancer all over your skin dude William Montgomery beard is ran because he comb it with the comb he killed a prostitute with Okay because he combed it with the comb he killed a prostitute with. Okay.

I'm gonna go pee. My guests are done for the night. Your job here is done. You know, I've been hearing though, on the road with you, Tony, that Williams just been destroying every single one of your shows, though, like he's been killing it. Yeah, he's, yeah, he's,

it's been a pleasure. I was feeling like the audience in the world. We wouldn't have it any other way you look like it retired My goodness Look at the wheels turning over here. Oh My George Washington toilet. Oh I'm gonna go take a short watch it in soy. Oh My god, all right and toilet. Oh, I'm gonna go take a shower. George Washington's toilet. Oh my God. All right. William, tell us a little bit more before we get out of here. Let's put a ribbon on this. Tell us something that you're passionate about this week. Well, I did bring our sweet little dog here tonight. I've been really

passionate about her. I've been getting on, uh, Reddit a bunch recently. I've been on the Killtony one in about two months because of all the fucking faggots on that. But other than that, I have been looking at a bunch of the watch people die subreddit man. I saw the worst one last night of these two pit bulls literally eating this man alive over in England somewhere and you see all the other old people just kind of standing around trying to kick out the dog but this guy's eating getting eaten by a dog and I'm just really excited about my dog being here tonight so someone was eating a dog. Yeah I mean the dog was eating a human. Yeah two pit bulls were eating some old British man. Oh my goodness. I watched it over and

over for about 30 minutes and then I couldn't go to sleep and I've been having nightmares and it's just been a really rough week, Tony. I apologize, I'm not saying a lot to you. Jamar, stop taking your dogs to England. Oh, Doki. Sorry. So much fun.

William, any last words, anything that you're passionate about perhaps anything you're passionate about perhaps? Anything you want to yell about? Yeah, I mean, I've been still listening to a bunch of true the rap artist. I've been listening to the past month a lot so I just kind of want to end this with a... Hoonihoo! Hoonihoo!

Hoonihoo! Hoonihoo! Hoonihoo! Hoonihoo! Who? Who do you? Who do you? Who do you? Who do you? Who do you? I have a sweet little dog It's been a four months It's been four months months, it's been four months.

William, just sing that. I got a sweet little dog yesterday. Yesterday, I got a sweet little dog yesterday. I got a sweet little dog yesterday. I got a sweet little dog yesterday. Yesterday, yesterday, yesterday. I got a sweet little dog yesterday. Yesterday, yesterday, I got a sweet little dog. It's all me up all night fucking weirdo looking pizza. Shit, I got a sweet little duck.

What's the reaver thing? Yes, to her day. I got a sweet little duck. Yes, to her day. All right. OK, thank you. William Montgomery everybody. We did it again Bon episode two years Eve Rick Diaz versus Hans Kim in a fucking arena

We figure that out here tonight golden ticket versus regular ship one of them will not be able to be on the show every time after New Year's Eve 2024 The drawing from Ryan J. E. Belt is in an amazing painting of Jamar neighbors and Kim Kongden those prints are available Ryan J. E. Belt.com the local artist Chris Rogers has been painting over there all night a camp Patterson How about one more time from my guests people that I've been doing stand up with since they started Jamar neighbors Anything you guys want to plug real quick Jamar Hey watch rotten ludic King Jinger on YouTube. That's my comedy special. Watch this full season two and one on Hulu.

And I'll be asking fast to 28th through the first. Woo! Started on Killtony. Was the first regular in the show's history. This girl was writing a new minute every week before anybody was watching over 10 years ago. Kim Kahn and everybody. Thank you.

Thank you, thank you. Check out my podcast. This bitch was Sarah Weinstein, my solo podcast, The Kim Kongden Takeover, KimKongden.com for Show Dates. Thank you guys. How about one more time for the best damn band in the land, the Kiltzoni band, the great Michael Gonzalez on the drums, Paul Deamer on the horns Matt Mjoling on the electric guitar John Bees on the keys and the great dematness on the bass guitar we did it again another very very fun episode

sunset strip at x.com love you guys yes absolutely gel blaster red rose yellow rose hall lot from connect mobile health Austin security guard service Sam smokehouse and screw ball peanut butter whiskey live Joe Blaster Red Rose, Yellow Rose, Hall Lothrum, Connect Mobile Health, Austin Security Guard Service, CM Smokehouse, and Screwball Peanut Butter Whiskey Live Audience. Thank you guys so much. We love you guys. Good night, everybody. Thank you.

Some exclusive Killtony merch available on your way out if you want it. Thank you all. We love you. Good night, everybody. Make some noise one more time for the mothership and yourselves. Let's get the mothership in yourselves. Let's get the fuck out of here. I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie, ... ... ... ...

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