KILL TONY - #640 - STAVROS HALKIAS

Starting point is 00:00:00 Hey, this is RedBan and you're listening to the Desquad Podcast Network. This episode and every episode of Killtony can be found at Desquad.tv. All are merch can be found for Killtony at Killmerch.com. Tony's on a brand new Tories going all over the place to check out TonyHinchcliff.com for everything GoldenPony. And last but not least, don't forget I have a new comedy club called the Sunset Strip. We have a bi-weekly show with the Killtony Band and the Secret Show is every single Thursday Get Tickets at SunsetStrip ATX.com.

Starting point is 00:00:38 And now a brand new episode of Killtony. The world is in peril. It's chaos everywhere. We're not covering any of it. Because we're too stupid. Him black, right? Right. Allegedly.

Starting point is 00:00:53 Robert Paul champagne. Awesome. I want to take some wraps of the Joanne Pickleball. It's for Michael Jordan. It makes him Jordan's the Pickleball. They're Christmas you guys. You sound like every gay in Manhattan. I feel gay.

Starting point is 00:01:04 They tried out. Our washcloths for the pours. How much is it gonna hurt again? What's going on? Ever heard of the Pulitzer Prize? We sure haven't. But a YMHStudios.com to get your tickets right now. haven't go to YMHStudios.com to get your tickets right now. Hey, all it is a super duper digital event like nothing we've ever done before. A two-night experience unlike anything in Killtony history. Go to KilltonyLive.com and get your live streaming tickets for the two arena shows.

Starting point is 00:01:43 So much insanity is going to happen. As always, I always keep the guests and anything that I have up my sleeve, a complete surprise for you. But if I told you what was going to happen on these two nights, you would be pumped. And plus, you already know all your favorite regulars. And of course, Rick Diaz versus Hans Kim

Starting point is 00:02:06 for eternal regulation on the show, a battle of two absolute autistic titans. Who knows what can happen? A lot of special treats, a lot of special guests. It's gonna be like the 10 year anniversary show, but on absolute steroids, super pumped, get tickets now, and support your favorite show in the world.

Starting point is 00:02:27 The number one live podcast started with 14 people in a tiny little room. Now we're going global. That's KilltonyLive.com for the amazing two-night event, December 30th and 31st. You're going to be sick of your family, have some laughs, enjoy two nights of Killtony live. Anything can happen. KilltonyLive.com some laughs, enjoy two nights of Kiltoni live. Anything can happen. Hey, this is RedBank, come to your life from the comedy mothership here in Austin, Texas, for a brand new episode of Kill Tony! Get up for it, Tony!

Starting point is 00:03:31 Hitchcla! Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? I'm gonna hand for Red Band, everybody. Yeah. Yeah. We've been doing this 10 1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1- That fucking go button, amazing. This is Kilttoni, believe it or not, the number one live podcast in the world, brought to you by Joe Blaster, the Red Rose, Yellow Rose, Hall Law Firm, connect mobilehealth.com where you can get an IV drip,

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Starting point is 00:04:31 Beautiful, Matt Mewling on the electric guitar. John D's on the keys. And this is the great de-madness on the bass guitar, everybody. We have a lot of fun stuff happening tonight, but before we get started, here's a little bit from the amazing sponsors that made tonight's episode available for you here, right now. Hey y'all, are you really a fan of the show if you don't have the official Killtony Christmas tree ornament?

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Starting point is 00:13:36 I book every single episode. I book this guest myself. And this is without a doubt. One of the most requested guests in the history of the show and it is indeed his first time ever being a guest on this fucking show ladies and gentlemen I present to you one of the greatest live comedians working today has the newest special out on Netflix right now called fat rascal ladies and gentlemen this is Stabros Alkiets everybody.

Starting point is 00:14:08 Oh fuck yeah. Yeah baby. Here we go. Finally, Stabros has so good of Killtony. All right. That's so good. That's so good. That's so good. That's so good. That's so good. That's so good. That's so good. That's so good.

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Starting point is 00:14:57 201, exactly 201, human being signed up for their opportunity, perhaps, to get pulled out of this bucket. If that happens, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know their time is up and you have the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry bus tolly would bear. And then I interview them. We find out more about them. Usually funny or stuff than they had a chance to talk about.

Starting point is 00:15:22 We find out more about them and their lives and what makes them interesting. We have a few regulars mixed in that do a new minute every single week, very tough job, amazing stuff. You guys ready to start? Austin, Texas. So you ready to start tonight's episode of Kill Towning? All right, I'm going to pre-pull a name, we're gonna get them from the bar next door and while that happens We have one of our greatest regulars in the history of the show here to start tonight's episode He writes and performs a brand new minute every single week headlining all around the fucking world Sold out shows adding shows. I have his location on my phone. I watch him I see him he's coming in hot from Seattle today was at the C-TAC airport it fucking 2 p.m. today I'm

Starting point is 00:16:08 excited to see what happens you guys know the words to the song let's see if you do Hey! Hey! Hey! It's good to be here. I'd like to thank Matt Rife for getting canceled on the first joke of his special. So I don't have to watch the rest of that shit. Guess I'll never find out what that guy does for a living. I, like Matt Rife, I am the Matt Rife of Ugly People. I actually have a lot of sex. It's pretty cool.

Starting point is 00:16:56 I used to date a beauty pageant winner from El Salvador. Yeah. She had missed 13 tattooed on her forehead. Thank you. What's up, man? I hate poor people. They're always trying to make me feel bad for growing up rich. Sorry my parents had their shit together. They don't have a panic baby. I can't take care of myself. Maybe this baby can. All right, thank you. All right, Hans Kim. Shooting is shot against Matt Rife this week for some reason.

Starting point is 00:17:43 What do you have against Matt Rife? I have a lot of minutes to write, and everyone is fair game. I love Matt Rife. I think he's great. I just, I don't watch a lot of specials, but I watched Avros' special. He got me tickets. It's one of the best specials I've ever seen.

Starting point is 00:18:00 Go check it out. Oh yeah. I was about to call him a coward for backtracking on the Matt Rife thing, but now I love the guy Fuck Matt. No, yeah, that was a good recovery. I was a good honest answer to your question I like that. What are you gonna say when Matt rife is a guest on the show in a couple weeks? Hey, man Hey man

Starting point is 00:18:28 What's going on in life Hans Kim? I just got back from Vancouver BC had a little layover in C-Tec which is where that's what you were doing in Seattle Okay, you got me I saw you earlier. I look at Hans's location all the time. I keep an eye on him It's true. I keep him from doing shitty open mics. He's addicted to shitty open mics. When you're addicted to shitty, there's a little insight in the comedian world. It's like when you do that, it fucks up your timing. It makes you not like if you're doing a shitty room filled with idiots and there's like 12 morons there and you're trying a new joke that might be fucking amazing, but you're doing in front of 12 idiots, and they don't laugh, or they go,

Starting point is 00:19:07 ooh, then you don't like the joke that could have been great. So by doing shitty shows, it's not a good barometer for how things work. So I always keep an eye on Hans, so I'll yell at him sometimes. I'll be like, what the fuck are you doing at that fucking club right now? Like, it's literally like a...

Starting point is 00:19:22 Tony, do you do this with women, also like that you date and stuff? Do you make the fuck... No, I don't have that look. No, it's only men that uh... Tony, do you do this with women? I was like that you date and stuff? You make the fuck... No, I don't have that look in the sun. No, it's only men that Tony tracks on his phone. Yeah, that's what I have. I have the... We're on the board.

Starting point is 00:19:33 One time calling Tony Gay. It is true, that's one. That is one. One down and to huge applause, by the way. Literally never gets old. and to huge applause by the way. Literally never gets old. I love it. Whatever the people want, that's what you get.

Starting point is 00:19:54 Who knows, there could be dildos that the arena flying around, or just a few weeks away. Anything can happen. Speaking of the arena, I mean, the whole world is talking, the whole Killtony universe at least, is talking about this upcoming battle.

Starting point is 00:20:09 It's the first thing like this we've ever done. And your regular ship is on the line. How's things going with that? How do you feel leading it? It's going great. You know, I love negativity and hatred in my life. And somehow you're the good guy in this. Demandist, your guitar is literally, I mean,

Starting point is 00:20:31 you have to go like side, it's more this way. I don't know if you feel that, but it's gotta be like that way a little bit. Sardine stage, okay, didn't even my phone. I know, I know, but the... I got put here. No. I got put here. I got put here. I got put here. I got put here. And what about me?

Starting point is 00:20:46 I got put here. I got put here. I got put here. All right, that's right. I'm gay and I'm an asshole, everybody. I love it. Welcome to my show, everyone. Welcome to the gay asshole show, everybody.

Starting point is 00:20:57 Here I am. The old gay asshole. Put a dick in me, because I'm a gay asshole. You know what I'm saying? All right. Hans, what else is going on in your world? Let's talk about it. I recently installed a bag of water above my bed and I'm sucking on that, that's pretty cool. What the fuck are you talking about?

Starting point is 00:21:19 This man lives like a hamster. Do you put wood pellets on your fucking bathroom, too? You just shit directly on the floor, Hans. Is that Korean efficiency? He has little tunnels in his whole place that he just crawls through. You are what you eat. You eat hamsters.

Starting point is 00:21:43 I mean, yeah, I give it a shot. I love it. So let's get into this more. What the fuck do you mean a bag of water over your bed? I got the biggest camel bag I could find, found a stud, put a nail, hung it up, and now I'm just sucking on water all day. So you fill the camel back up with water. You nailed it to your wall. Is this something you saw on the internet or somebody else

Starting point is 00:22:09 do? This is your own idea. This is 100% original Hans came idea. This is absolutely incredible. I love this. You gave me money, and now I'm just using it. That's right. I love that.

Starting point is 00:22:23 That's one of my favorite things is to make sure that the people that I make sure get rich spend that fucking money. There's nothing worse than someone that holds on to it a lot. There's a lot of thrifty people that, you know, you were once one of them. I, yeah, I still am. But no, yeah, you're helping me a lot. You really shame me about being cheap. Being cheap.

Starting point is 00:22:43 He wears a lot of free t-shirts that people give him. Like you'll see it. Like you could just tell. It's like, what's that? When that's over. This one is the Lehman Brothers. It's a. You bought that?

Starting point is 00:22:53 Yeah, on Amazon. It's kind of a protest. Yeah. I don't get it. Yeah, what it's a mean news. They were responsible for the 2008 financial crisis. And you bought that. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:23:08 With the money. Recently, you bought this recently? Yeah, about two weeks ago. Iceman. Hell yeah. Mom is trying to get some communist pussy. Yeah. Respect.

Starting point is 00:23:20 I also am trying to do that. So. How are things with the girlfriend? She's great. She's very American. I'm Asian. She ignores some of the nice things I do for her. She's like, oh, you're here.

Starting point is 00:23:33 Oh, can you give me some water? And you're like, here, here's my tube. Take it out of your mouth. Yeah, I put a water bag above her bed. Are you fucking serious? Yeah, I'm starting a friendship. Yeah, well Yeah, I mean she has her own house. I live in my house It caused a lot of stress because you know, she likes to spend a lot of time with me. She does. Yeah, that's an ongoing theme

Starting point is 00:23:57 Yeah, it's it's crazy. It's like I'm a podcaster by nature and she's just taken away all my podcasting time. But no, she's, she's, uh, she's a good by nature. So let's talk more about this water bag. Do you drink it all in like one night, do you refill it? You let the water sit there for a few days? How long does it take you to get through this bag of water?

Starting point is 00:24:20 It's like five days of water. Just hanging above my head. Gross. Wow, that is incredible. It's like, why? What the fuck? You don't want fresh water, motherfucker? Well, if you have a cup, you have to turn over

Starting point is 00:24:33 and make sure you sit up and drink it. If you have a thing, you just lay there and just suck on it. Oh, my. But that's cold. That's cool. That's good temperature water. But gross. It's just like That's cool. That's cool. That's cool.

Starting point is 00:24:45 That's cool. That's cool. That's cool. That's cool. That's cool. That's cool. That's cool. That's cool.

Starting point is 00:24:53 That's cool. That's cool. That's cool. That's cool. That's cool. That's cool. That's cool. That's cool.

Starting point is 00:25:01 That's cool. That's cool. That's cool. That's cool. That's cool. That's cool. That's cool. That's cool. That's cool. That's cool. That's cool. That's cool. That's cool. That's cool. That's cool. That's cool. That's cool. That's cool. That's cool. That's cool. That's cool. That's cool. That's cool. That's cool. That's cool. That's cool. That's cool. That's cool. That's cool. That's cool. That's cool. That's cool. That's cool. That's cool. That's cool. That's cool. That's cool. That's cool. That's cool. That's cool. That's cool. That's cool. That's cool. That's cool. That's cool. That's cool. That's cool. That's cool. That's cool. That's cool. the next thing. You need fucking filtration to piss into. And then you just drink the water. Then it's, in infinity days, not five days. You're just your own human centipede at that point. You don't ever need to do anything.

Starting point is 00:25:15 And then if you add a podcast to Mike into the mix, you can literally just do everything from there. Zoom screen across from you. Have everybody zoom in. Your annoying girlfriend can stay in the room with you and feel like you're with her, right? She can keep an eye on you. Right. You, you're, I thank you for this advice. I know you're joking, but I might actually do it. I want updates on it. I'm excited to find out how it goes. There he goes,

Starting point is 00:25:41 ladies and gentlemen, Hans Kim with a brand new minute, a brand new interview. We found out a lot. Motherfuckers got a bag of water on the wall. You can't make this shit up. I swear, I don't talk to these people throughout the week. Like, hey, what are we going to talk about in the interview? I find out with you. Like, you can't even write that shit. He's got a bag of water. Like, no sitcom would do that because if they'd be like, oh, that's unbelievable. Who's gonna believe that he's sucking out of a bag of water? One more time for Hans Kim. All right, I pull the name out of the bucket. This is where shickets crazy anything and happen It might be the fucking future of comedy. It could be a completely mentally ill person. You guys down to have some fun?

Starting point is 00:26:20 Your first bucket pull of the night goes by the name of Spencer Ward ladies and gentlemen Here we go 60 seconds uninterrupted to Spencer Ward. We're gonna meet them all together The war between Israel and Hamas is very sad. It's actually affected me personally as well I enjoy amateur Israeli porn and lately there's been a lot more background noise. Some people aren't willing to challenge their own beliefs. Women who are pro-life never want to go on late night walks. They make it awfully difficult for God to bless them with a precious little miracle. I've never seen an attractive woman with a rape whistle.

Starting point is 00:27:08 That's why I think they should call it a, hey, everybody, look, someone's actually fucking me whistle. Anyone who's finished middle school has basic history knowledge and knows about atrocities like slavery and the Holocaust. Keep that in mind the next time your aunt says everything happens for a reason. You probably haven't seen it but she definitely has a swastika tattoo on her inner thigh or lower back. And your uncle stares at it when they're having sex.

Starting point is 00:27:38 All right, Spencer Ward. Welcome to the show Spencer. How are you? Good. How long you been doing stand up? About seven months. Seven months. Where at? Uh, Rondo Austin. Here in Austin. Yeah. Is this where you're from?

Starting point is 00:27:52 I am not. So I did two months in Milwaukee and then five months here. Your Milwaukee is where you're originally from? From Madison, then moved to Milwaukee. Okay. Yeah. All right. Born and raised in Madison. Yeah. Okay. I could see that. You have the personality of someone from Wisconsin. Very soft, polite delivery.

Starting point is 00:28:10 Yeah. Yeah. Those are the most timid rape jokes I've ever heard in my life. My life. LAUGHTER You really sold them. If maybe a lady might at night, something bad could happen to her.

Starting point is 00:28:29 Am I on Tsunachi? By the way. It's fair. Yeah. Has anyone ever blown a rape whistle near you, Spencer? No, not that I'm aware of now. Okay, what do you do for a living? Working IT. Right.

Starting point is 00:28:52 There you go. Is the rape whistle right on cue? That famous red band timing. Exactly. Just how he likes it. A good 10 second delay on a rape whistle. So he can come and run and get away with it all. There he goes. No, you don't have to do that.

Starting point is 00:29:09 You don't have to hit buttons when you're uncomfortable. OK. So there you go. There's a snuck one in there. Do you have any special skills or talents have you been on stage before presenting anything? On stage presenting? No.

Starting point is 00:29:24 I've done Open mics, but with like 20, 30 people, maybe. So the biggest show you did before this was 20, 30 people? No, I've done the open mic, the ship opened mic once, but otherwise it's like creaking the cave and different spots where there's like 10 to 20 people. Yeah. Okay. Alright Spencer, what do you do for fun? What's interesting about you? Yeah, oh? Yeah I'm not yet I was prepared for this part. I am a feeling I mean yeah

Starting point is 00:30:01 Here we go in three What do you do for fun and here we go? So I would burn. You would burn. You burn wood. So it's like, you would burn. How much burn would a wood burn burn?

Starting point is 00:30:31 It's like drawing. You burn an image into wood. You just go slowly and draw with a wood burner. So it's like drawing, but you do it slowly and burn the edge. Edging. Yeah. It's kind of like that, but it's not that. I didn't know you were into wood burning. Oh yeah. They have it with the lasers now. That's what Bones Eye does a lot. You know that if you moved a little more,

Starting point is 00:30:57 you wood burn calories. So. Yeah. Welcome to Keltoni. Where Tony is gay and Red Man is fat. So you would burn. Yeah, I do other stuff too. Like what? Long? Did this interesting that you started wood burning?

Starting point is 00:31:15 I was trying to lead with something different that you haven't heard before. Yeah, it was good. I got that wood burn calorie joke in. Never done that? I was trying to lead with something different that you haven't heard before Yeah, it was good. I got that wood burn calorie joke

Starting point is 00:31:29 Never done that ten and a half years. Okay, go ahead Long runs around ladybird lake. I've met interesting people. Yeah, I've met Lex on the ladybird lake trail You met Lex Friedman. Yeah, right. Okay. I can't imagine what you took two glasses of water. Water talked about. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Nice to meet you.

Starting point is 00:31:51 Nice to meet you. I'm on a run. I'm on a run. You two fucking robots. Just some fucking full malfunction. They're just stuck there. Well, I guess I should be going now. What direction are you running?

Starting point is 00:32:10 That way or that way? I'm going to run with you now. It's pretty close, yeah. Yeah, exactly. I love it. So you guys started running together. No, we just talked that time. And then when we see each other, we wave.

Starting point is 00:32:26 That's about it. Damn, fucking awesome brag, dude. So I saw him on Sunday, I went past him, but I was running and he was walking, so I didn't want to stop to talk to him, so I just waves. Oh, my goodness. I like your style. You are just a fucking old bag of water,

Starting point is 00:32:43 you know what I mean? You keep this kind of personality up. You're gonna be nailed to Hans's wall and out. This is absolutely incredible. No spice to you whatsoever. But you have decent jokes for a guy seven months in. I'll tell you that. I mean, you're kind of like, I don't know which one of the Culkin brothers you are exactly, but this must be a special time of the year for you. What are you doing for Christmas? You have any special plans?

Starting point is 00:33:11 You're going to put up a plain pine tree or something like that. No decorations. I'll fly back to Wisconsin, see family. Oh, yeah, there you go. The old Wisconsin Winter Wonderland. Nothing more fun than that. I did almost die once, so that's maybe a little bit interesting.

Starting point is 00:33:28 Let's talk about that for a second. That's a good save there. This might be interesting. Yeah, so when I was 11, I crashed in ATV, hit a tree and then it rolled down top of me, like into a ditch. And I saw a bright light and everything, and I had that whole experience,

Starting point is 00:33:42 and then I woke up in a hospital and had to learn to walk again, took like a week to get out of the bed. And now I know what your personality is, how it is. This is good. It's brain damage, everybody. Very exciting. Wow. I have a master's.

Starting point is 00:33:56 I went to grad school. So you did? So maybe if I didn't have that accident, I would be like an astronaut. Are you a badger? Yeah, I went to Madison. There you go. That's it, yes. Yeah you a badger? Yeah, I went to Madison. There you go. That's a yes.

Starting point is 00:34:07 And in what? What was it in? I have a Master's in IT Management, BI's in International Business. Yeah. There you go. I would say don't pursue that. Keep telling bad rape jokes.

Starting point is 00:34:18 Ha ha ha ha. Don't start a family and save up some money for retirement. Spend the tail end of your youth in shitty bars, bombing. Sorry, man. What's your love life like? You seem like you could be good looking in the right lighting. I got like three hours of sleep, so that's my excuse. Okay.

Starting point is 00:34:44 But yeah, no, I'm just not pursuing anybody. Is anybody pursuing you? When I go out, you all like to open mics and stuff, people will approach you. Yeah, yeah. And you never, you never partake, you just let them flirt with you? I'm not wired as someone who like wants hook up.

Starting point is 00:35:01 Hook up, I want like a relationship, but I don't have the time for it. Of course you want a relationship. This fucking guy is something else. What fucking time machine did you crawl into? Look at what's on the inserious. This computer thing's really taken off. I'm an IT guy.

Starting point is 00:35:18 It's gonna blow up any day now. Just looking for someone to settle down with. Go to Wes Conson, introduce to my mother and father who are still happily together am I correct? No, they divorced when I was five was it during the ATV accident? Oh when you were five God damn it Henry. I told you not to buy it It's a mom's and Wisconsin sound like It's a mom's and Wisconsin sound like Your mama smoker oh

Starting point is 00:35:58 You're gonna burn some wood tonight dude you're gonna get fucking wild bro Gonna think about love and would burn some wood Just that yeah there he goes thetony debut of Spencer Ward, everybody. You know what? Welcome to the show, seven months in. Oh, Jesus Christ. Did you get it? Did you get it? You got scared? Here, take one, take one, take one of these. Do not grab the band. This is anything. Good out of here. There he goes. All right. On and on we go. This is a very special bucket pull everybody. I love the fact that this show is so crazy. There's so many characters that have been on before that I can reach into a bucket with

Starting point is 00:36:36 201 fucking names and pull out a fucking pretty much a legend of the show's history. This next comedian is, had a very, very famous moment here, where she won opening spots with me and with Roseanne Barr. She's an absolute killer. I truly believe. I mean this. One of the top young rising comedians in the world makes the noise for Celia Contreras, everybody. Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Starting point is 00:37:06 Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! All right. So I had a very open-minded stepdad, especially when that 0.45 caliber tore through the back of

Starting point is 00:37:18 his head. It was a hollow occasion, but we know he had a blast, right? Ha! Suicide. All right. It was a hollow occasion, but we know he had a blast, right? Puh, suicide. All right, let's talk about something worse. White women. It's not that I hate you, bitches. I've just worked a lot of customer service jobs. That being said, I don't think my own people, Mexican women are shit either.

Starting point is 00:37:41 I want to know why we shave off our eyebrows and draw them back on. I'm like, I can do better than God. So I'm at my brother's funeral, right? And my sister's next to me and she makes this disgusted sound. She's like, ugh, it's like what? Look at this bitch. She could have drawn her shit on straight for this. I turn around, there's my other sister looking concerned

Starting point is 00:38:10 and surprised. Oh. This is very inappropriate. Nobody here is. Nobody was surprised my brother killed himself. Celia can chair us everybody. Unbelievable. Again and again and again.

Starting point is 00:38:32 Very exciting to have two stop-roses on stage at the same time. I know, dude. I'm John, I need that shirt. Give me the link. I'd give it to you now, but I'm not wearing a bra, so. Me neither. I'm not wearing a bra, so. Me neither.

Starting point is 00:38:50 I'm not wearing a bra, so. Me neither. I'm not wearing a bra, so. Me neither. I'm not wearing a bra, so. Me neither. I'm not wearing a bra, so. Me neither.

Starting point is 00:38:58 I'm not wearing a bra, so. I'm not wearing a bra, so. I'm not wearing a bra, so. I'm not wearing a bra, so. I'm not wearing a bra, so. Me neither. I'm not wearing a bra, so. I'm not wearing a bra, so. Me neither. I'm not wearing a bra, so. I'm not wearing a bra, so. Which one is it? Alright everybody put on your special glasses that are underneath your seat. This is unbelievable.

Starting point is 00:39:11 This is incredible. Really good jokes are very funny. Yeah, the surprise, the eyebrows joke, very, very funny. Thank you. That's not a joke, asshole. I'm just saying something nice. That's great. Absolutely. And I'll say something serious as well.

Starting point is 00:39:26 You know, I invited you. If you remember the story, I don't know if you guys remember but Celia was on. She fucking destroyed. She said she's from Phoenix and a bunch of old friends used to bust her balls. I said, I'm gonna put you in this massive theater that I'm doing invite anybody you want to invite the haters invite your family and theater that I'm doing, invite anybody you want, invite the haters, invite your family, and little Heath Lin-Out, started the show, killed, brought up Celia, who absolutely fucking destroyed. I mean, that was your first big theater, right? Yes. And it was in the round, so you're surrounded by audience the entire time.

Starting point is 00:40:00 She also obviously is in the round eternally. But you absolutely fucking murdered. You took your time, you executed the jokes. The place went fucking nuts for Phoenix's own Celia Contreras. And I just agree slightly. I feel like I was still talking too fast. Like I thought about it afterwards and my brothers said the same thing. But he's an idiot. Look what happened to him. No, I love him. I love him. That's good that you have notes for yourself after having a great set. That's awesome. It shows the true comedian that's inside of you that looks backing things of what they could do better.

Starting point is 00:40:45 Yeah, well yes, but I get in the car because my brother and sister drove me to another show. Remember I told you I was doing another show afterwards? Yes, the classic, classic mistake that many openers make after doing a massive theater. They're like, oh, I'm going to go do this other show across the city and destroy my morale for the night. I'm going to disagree. I ended up headlining that night. 120 people came to see me. Whoa look at that. That's amazing That's amazing and my family went to both shows my brother and my sister my brother even by Bribed his wife. It's like I'll take you the casino if you let me go watch the second show amazing Amazing at another 120 to the mix for that night so fun and

Starting point is 00:41:23 What else is going on in your life, Celia? You're a fucking real comedian. I've always said that about you. You're hilarious. You roll with jokes. You fucking make them. You take them. I try, but I'm very insecure.

Starting point is 00:41:35 I know I've sent myself as well, but in Posture Syndrome, low self esteem, it's a whole thing. That's all of us. But I'm, yeah. They call me gay. I, like, I have people. No, no, you don't have imposter syndrome when it comes to that. You are the real deal, brother, that's two.

Starting point is 00:41:51 Two. Two. My goodness. For what? It's worth Tony. I don't think you're gay. When I go to bed tonight, I'm going to have trouble sleeping. When I put in my dick-shaped pacifier in my mouth.

Starting point is 00:42:05 In your mouth or in your ass. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha- Wait, wait a second. What the fuck? Celia. I'm sorry. Are you pulling a joke about how I'm not fit? Right now? Yeah, so if anybody was not with me. Don't eat a trap. A gay guy would react exactly like this. Yeah. Three. There it is.

Starting point is 00:42:39 What's up? Celia. You doing a joke about me being unfit is like me doing a joke about you being healthy. Okay. It's incredible that's like not a thing I'm fucking. But I'm an ex-sert being unfit so I would fucking know. Okay Celia, I'm fucking ripped by the way. I don't know what you're talking about.

Starting point is 00:43:01 You haven't, no. Michael. Shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up. Who started that? No. I didn't mean to start that. Celia, what else about you? People keep offering me spots. I guess I'm really popular in West Texas. I've had line there twice and I actually did my first 40-minute set two weeks ago. And it wasn't shit. Like it was decent. Right? Yeah. It could be so much better though. Yeah. You can get my shit together. Yeah. Okay. What type of shit together would you have to get for that to happen, do you think? I need to be more focused and like I have about

Starting point is 00:43:40 with my friend starting January 1st. First one to drink has to do something stupid. And I'm not going to lose to this baguette, so. There you go. There you go. He's a baguette. What's his number? That's what you guys do to me. You put me in a corner.

Starting point is 00:43:56 He was the first time I did the show in Phoenix. He went up right before me. Like, he ended up being my roommate. Like, we've been roommates twice, but his name was Josh Jones. He tried to jungle oranges for you and asked you to sign an orange. Yeah, I have no fucking idea. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:44:10 I don't know. It was very forgettable. I don't let him forget though. It's all like, hey, your friends are here. Let's show him our Kill Tony episode. OK. What else is going on in life? Anything else crazy happening?

Starting point is 00:44:21 What's my love life like? You're still closing bars and waiting for the last guy there and all that. We talked about this before. Dude, I have so many like people in my DMs now and I'm fucking tired. I don't want to have sex anymore. I like that. I like that. Stop roast. What do you think about that? Can you relate? Yeah, I absolutely do. But also I need to get in shape because I like dude shaped like you and it's hard for two balls to bounce balance on top of each other. No, it would be a horrible geometry problem if we tried to have sex. We would not work.

Starting point is 00:44:52 It really would. I would love it. I don't have an penis for two bellies, that's for sure. We got like seven other fat guys, we can make it a planetarium, kind of like porn thing. You guys would be the hottest couple of all time. I can just picture it. Just two bags of ice cream above the bed. Celia, you're a fucking monster. We absolutely love you.

Starting point is 00:45:22 You did it again. You're a cold-blooded killer. Keep doing the goddamn thing absolutely love you. You did it again. You're a cold-blooded killer. Keep doing the God damn thing. Thank you. Celia Contreras. Make sure you follow her at Celia. underscore a underscore gram. All right. This is our, I do believe this is our second Spencer of the night. Everybody. It's a night filled with Spencer so far. Make some noise for your next bucket poll. Spencer Boone everybody, 60 seconds from Spencer Boone. But 100% male Spencer ratio.

Starting point is 00:45:55 Sent Spencer Boone. I don't think everyone should wear a mustache. If you wear just a mustache, you can look cool like a biker or a cowboy. If I wear just a mustache. If you wear a just a mustache, you can look cool like a biker or a cowboy. If I wear a just a mustache, I look like I use a lot of hard Rs. With just a mustache, I'll be type a guy who would wear aviators and then randomly get out of his car and pick fights with people because they're skin's brown. If I wear a just a mustache, I'll be type a who a cornering you in an alleyway, force you

Starting point is 00:46:25 to the ground, have sex with you against your will, pull out a gun, threaten to kill you and everyone you love, you tell anybody about this. But at the end of the day, no matter what side you're on, no matter how you feel about it, there's still a lot of people who'd I used to be a pretty good cop. Hey leave. Okay Spencer Boone everybody one more time for Spencer. Very exciting. This is cool to have two stop-roses on stage at the same time. He's a piece of ass, you're right.

Starting point is 00:47:13 I love it. How long you been on stand-up? Four years. Four years. All of it here in Austin. I've been here for about five months now. Where were you before that? Just Charlotte's full of Virginia. Uh, Charlotte's Phil Virginia.

Starting point is 00:47:25 Ooh! That's like a racist, uh, epicenter. It's really not, though. Those people weren't from there. Right. Yeah, sure. That's what I would say, too, if that happened right. Yeah, lived.

Starting point is 00:47:39 It's actually a very liberal city. Yeah? Yeah. Okay. Are there more black people in Charlottesville or on this stage right now? There's more in Charlottesville. I had to look around, I had to check. All right.

Starting point is 00:47:55 Okay. What do you do for work? I've been working at the Rock and Roll shop here on Sixth Street. Rock and Roll shop. Yeah, they sell like ban shirts and like horror movie stuff, sci-fi things. Cool. You can like your built for that. I like it.

Starting point is 00:48:10 It's fun. I didn't pay very much. You just kind of do something. I'd rather do something I liked than spend all my time doing something I hate. So what do you do for fun? I'm an artist. I love the pain. You do wood burning? No. I have an artist. A little pain. You do wood burning? No.

Starting point is 00:48:25 I have before yes. Oh, that's very incredible. This is an interesting episode. Two Spencer's that it burned wood. All right. Sure. Yeah, I don't know what that means, but yeah. There was a Spencer on earlier that burned wood.

Starting point is 00:48:42 Okay. Yeah. Neat. Yeah neat. Yeah What else I paint I do resin stuff. I've made my engages before oh your ear gauges. Yes, right? Okay, you're stretching out your earlobes not anymore. They're kind of where they're at right yeah, okay I like how the jokes are about how ridiculous he'd look with a mustache and that's what his ears look like Could you imagine if I looked stupid? I don't know how he puts a bucket, Steve Harvey suit button in his fucking ears. That was good, that was good. So what made you start that?

Starting point is 00:49:22 Where does that, how does that start? I've always wondered where Gage's start. Did you see it? Do you have a friend doing that? Did your mom start that for you? No, no. My mom hates them. Your mom hates them?

Starting point is 00:49:34 I can't imagine that. Yes. Where's she at? My mom's in Virginia. Virginia, right. Yeah, absolutely. So go ahead. How does it start?

Starting point is 00:49:42 I didn't start doing it to all as like 14. I already had him pierced, but you know, a girl in your earth science class just kind of shoves a tongue ring through your ear and you start gaging your ears. Like, you start gaging your ear. Yes. Initially though, I know where I first saw gauges and thought they were cool. The band incubus.

Starting point is 00:50:03 Can you give your answer again? We'll edit out Redbanz. And then the horrendous non-landing with one human joke. The band Inkybuss. Oh, seriously. It's a great answer. Even the second time, it's amazing.

Starting point is 00:50:20 But also, I like art, right? So they had a music video for the song Drive. And he's literally drawing himself in the video. And music video for the song drive and he's literally like drawing himself in the video and he gets to his face and he just draws a big circle Yeah, and I didn't know what the fuck it was and I found out that was where gauges were from that. Yeah, I It's a thing. You don't have to just keep the same inches from when you were 14, right? You can grow and evolve as a person I've taken them out at different periods of time and they

Starting point is 00:50:45 shrink back up though. So I mean it's a choice to have. I got you. But you know he makes an interesting point. He makes an interesting point. You know people that hold on to that time in their lives usually suffer some type of trauma that happened right after that or around that time. Is that in your case true because you're trying to go do something happen when you were 15 16 or 17 to where you're holding on to things from when you were 14. Oh god. There's probably one of the divorces. One of the divorces.

Starting point is 00:51:16 What are the odds of that? Very interesting. I never would have guessed. Yeah, but you know I went through like three divorces by time I was like 16. Yeah. At their age. but parents can't pick well. That's right. Yeah, that's right. Yeah. Very interesting how psychology works like that. Are there other things that you hold on to from your childhood that when things were going good?

Starting point is 00:51:38 Oh, God. I don't know, man. I mean, I've always been sick most of my life. I was one here last time, I have the Celiacs, the allergy me. Celiac was on stage right before you. Boo! No, it's Celiace, that's a good one, that's amazing. Tell us about your Celiac, you would poop your pants sometimes, right? That's a great joke. Okay, so tell us about your, tell us about your celiac. You would poop your pants sometimes, right? That's a bad disease.

Starting point is 00:52:07 I didn't realize most people just didn't walk around like trying to hold in the shits all the time, you know? Right. Like I grew up eating bread, not knowing I had celiac. So I didn't find out that celiac style is like 30. Wow, yeah. It's been a lot of time just trying not to shit yourself. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:52:24 How successful have you been? What's the last time you shit your pants? Oh God, I was probably like 25. Nice. Yeah. I'd be honest, I just didn't make it in my house in time. Habitat to the best. It was a key fumble.

Starting point is 00:52:36 Everything fell apart. Key fumble? Huh? Did you say key fumble? I fumbled my keys at the door, could get in. I'm with you brother, I know exactly what you're talking about. You run out of time, you run out of time.

Starting point is 00:52:47 You're like, holy shit. Let me and my friend over here discuss this Tony. This doesn't concern you. My goodness, that is such an interesting thing that you guys almost poop your pants a lot. Yeah, yeah. I'm a real person, I almost shit my pants. Have you done that? I've never done it like that. I've never like, oh, I just dropped my keys and now I shit myself.

Starting point is 00:53:09 Well, with the Celiacs, you get like a countdown. It's like, hey, you gotta go like now. Wow. So, you know, a lot more Walmart bathroom shits that you ever want to take. Just keep it like a plastic bag or a zip lock around and you pocket for emergencies. For emergencies. Listen to the, listen to the uproarious response from the audience. Incredible. Sunset strip comedy clothes. Second highest ceiling in the business. That's right.

Starting point is 00:53:35 So yeah, that was a thing. Uh huh. Okay, tell us something interesting about your life before I let you go that we never found out something else that since your last appearance here we'd be surprised to know about you but some time to think about this what sets you apart from everybody else. It's cool that you draw, it's cool that you traumatize childhood. Yeah, something new here. Something new. Oh man. You haven't thought about it huh? No, I can give you a story about something I've done. Okay. Yeah. So I love drugs like as far as like who's an agentics?

Starting point is 00:54:17 One time I took acid road on a picnic table of fix to a trailer being driven by a four-wheeler by a drunk redneck And then you pooped your pants No, they're poropodis. It was a private camp thing, but yeah. There you go. Yeah. Yeah, I know. You got a little jokebook last time. No, a big jokebook. Whoa, look at that. Okay, well there you go. You're good. There you go. Spencer Boone, everybody. There goes Spencer. That's it. That's it. Look at that. Oh, good news. No, we've only done three. I want to do four.

Starting point is 00:54:54 Thank you, David. Thank you. Okay. That's it. All right, let's get one of our regulars up here. Ladies and gentlemen, the guys in absolute phenom, you know him. Yolava, he's featuring for me in theaters all around the fucking globe. He's a freak of nature.

Starting point is 00:55:15 Absolutely. One of the truly, truly one of the best rising talents on Planet Earth. Mixed with the great and powerful. Cam Patterson everybody Yeah What hell you When I be talking to women I become make my upbringing sound worse than what it was sometimes like I'd be counting guys But like you know, it was kind of half for me. I just sleep on the floor and shit. I was just about to cast most of my life.

Starting point is 00:55:47 Like, I kind of took, I kind of raised myself a little bit. You feel what I'm saying? And most of them were like, oh my gosh, that's so sad. Let me suck you dick. And, but I met this one girl, and she went from Mexico when I told her that whole thing. I actually went on the floor,

Starting point is 00:55:59 growing up and shit, I did all that stuff. And she was like, oh, that saddest hell. When I was growing up, I ain't had no roof. LAUGHTER Bits you one. You got me. You got me beat for real. You know what I'm saying? Like, that's how... That's what showed me, like, people on other countries got the way worse.

Starting point is 00:56:15 Because I was crying about Steve going to Calcishit, and this bitch ain't had no top-dow-house. You know what I'm saying? Look at that. That's crazy. It is. That is crazy. It is. That is crazy. Welcome, Cam, another new minute. What do you do?

Starting point is 00:56:29 Hey, oh, yeah. Everything is good. Everything is good. I'm over there. That was 52 seconds. Fuck, yeah, that's close. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Absolutely, yeah.

Starting point is 00:56:37 Yeah, I'll take that shit. I'll ruin that shit in the shower. I was doing it. Yeah, yeah. That Mexican shit real good. That'd be so really how to roof fire out. That was crazy. What'd you just say? That's it, that's it, that's it, the shower, that was dope. That Mexican shit real, that'd be the thing

Starting point is 00:56:45 with the half of the Rufon. That was crazy. What'd you just say? She was real bitch on the Rufon. Yeah, you understand me, Stavis? I got you, bro, I got you. You trained that bitch? I never Rufon her house. Yeah, that's so real.

Starting point is 00:56:58 That Mexican shit is crazy. She didn't have a Rufon her house. That's what it's like. There you go. Stavis, look at that heart. Thank you. See her here, nigga at heart. Good, thank you. See her with a Mexican woman who didn't have a roof on her heart. No, she's talking about when she was a kid. She ain't had one.

Starting point is 00:57:11 Right. Right. So the rain just gets in. Yeah, they had like a 10 roof with some shit with crazy. She was telling me that I was like, are you just something I did? We're just cool. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:57:19 So did you suck her dick then? Yeah. You got me beat, bitch. I guess. I guess you a verdict then. You got me beat, me as I get to. I get you won this one. You know what I call a Mexican family soaked in rain? Wet tops.

Starting point is 00:57:34 Okay, okay. We are back. Cam Patterson, coming off of working with me this weekend. Two sold out theaters in New York City. Absolute smashing performances. And then we were back again, in and out in 24 hours. Yeah, yeah, fun for you. It was a good time, man.

Starting point is 00:57:57 She was great. You feel me? And white beat hit me up. Ah. We gonna roll, yeah, yeah. Yeah, she was crazy. Take this about it. Hit me up. So I'm in the hotel. Get this about. Be hit, me up.

Starting point is 00:58:05 So I'm in the hotel and she like, you should come to New York and I said, well, funny thing is, I'm here right now. Right? Nice. And she was like, oh, for real? And she was like, what can I get it? And I didn't answer the kind of thing that meant. So I just didn't answer.

Starting point is 00:58:18 And she was like, hurry up. I'm trying to plan my night. Like, what can I get it? And I was like, get what? And she was like, you're digging my mouth. And I was like, ha, ha. Like, this is dope. You know that? Yeah'll be like, you're dickin' my mouth. And I was like, ha ha, ha. This is dope.

Starting point is 00:58:25 You know that? Yeah. I'm sorry, you didn't know what she meant? No. What are you Tony trying to talk to a black person? That's right. It was like a... It was clear as day.

Starting point is 00:58:39 Ha ha ha ha. I want to how to say it, fucking sit, reasons. That's what I need. I need to take good care of that. You needed in the writing. Yeah. Yeah, I don't know. See, I mean, say she want to suck my dick.

Starting point is 00:58:51 See? See? No, what she said, officer. I got shit. So did you do it? I had a good go for you. Oh, yeah, it was good. She's something so like my dick go fun.

Starting point is 00:59:01 Had a good time. I really enjoyed it. That's it. The funny thing was, I didn't realize she had DM me like a long time ago when I did the office joke. And she said, I quote, and I quote, she said, I can suck you dick the full house, which is crazy.

Starting point is 00:59:14 You know what I'm saying? It was just like a wider show, which is dope. Good, man. Hell yeah. Yeah, yeah. Absolutely. Yeah, yeah, I was fun. I had a good time. New York with dopey shit.

Starting point is 00:59:24 Yeah, yeah. The shows were cool, too. Yeah, yeah, I was fun. I had a good time. New York with dopey shit. Yeah, yeah. The shows are cool too. Yeah. That's how I feel today. So when you fucking get out, I was most excited about the 3.30 AM pickup. We went in and fucking destroyed New York and got the fuck out. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:59:40 Like we killed somebody. Yeah, yeah. Like real assassins. It really was. It kind of, it's like what, remember your, um, what the fuck was that guy's name, the guy in Northern California that fucking murdered people came from the millionaire New York family? Who's that? What the fuck? Fucking HBS.

Starting point is 00:59:55 Jefferdom. No. Robert Durs. Oh, yes. And like, don't know what that is. Don't know what that is. It's one part where he goes and he kills a lady in LA that was like about to talk about, about him murdering the other people.

Starting point is 01:00:07 And they, and they track him and he's like, they like, they like have his phone going all the way. He flew into San Francisco drove to L.A. blatantly murder somebody and then drives all the way back to make us flight a few hours later. Are you tracking him? Are you tracking him also? Him and Hans? Yes. There you go. It's your biggest joke of the night. We should keep track of that. That's a big one for you. Look how proud is proud of you. That's a big one for you on a comedy show. To be fair, to be fair was more just reminding people

Starting point is 01:00:36 of something someone said. I don't know who's quite a joke, but remember that one time you said that? But remember that one time you said that, remember that? Yeah. I love you, Red Man. You my nigga, though. We like this. I am. Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:00:54 Cam, what else is going on? Anything else crazy happening? I did a... Thanks to y'all, thanks to the shunch. I sold out two shows that the Hollywood improv. That was dope as fuck. Yeah, thank y'all so much. the shansha. I saw that two shows that the Hollywood improv, that was dope as fuck. Thank y'all so much. That was cool.

Starting point is 01:01:07 That's right. I heard about these. Yeah, it was a good time, bro. I really had a good time, bro. It's like kind of crazy to see. Like I see the improv and the comedy store posting about you just being around. Yeah, it's great.

Starting point is 01:01:20 And it's like you're a celebrity in LA now. It's weird how sh's kind of changed. You should be like, oh, you know who's coming to Austin, the guy that's famous from LA, and now it's kind of like flipped. Yeah, and I was cool as fuck. Yeah, they had my name on the Marquinship, and my dad, well, I ain't sound one,

Starting point is 01:01:40 wouldn't he walk, but he said, oh shit, that's my boy. And he just thought of crying and said, that would be cool, you know what I mean? But the first time you've seen him in 20 years. I said, oh shit, that's my boy. And he just started crying and saying, that would be cool. That's the first time you've seen him in 20 years. He started running. He was like, fuck. I was so much back-old child support.

Starting point is 01:01:59 Sorry, just trying to get into the Killtony Races spirit, folks. Absolutely. 100%. Hello, five, dude. Live in the well here. That was hot. Went out. Went out.

Starting point is 01:02:10 My dad come everywhere. Yeah, it's time my dad come everywhere. They can't tell you. Yes, he does. I tell you, it's how babies are made. They come everywhere. Yeah. But yeah, all right, Cam, you're a fucking star,

Starting point is 01:02:22 anything else? Oh, I tell them about my dates in Orlando And we go back to Florida. I'm I got a date in the December 14th in my home club from So yeah, we added the second show the first one so that yeah, I pull up on the nigga make sure I don't get shot Yeah, there you go. We're doing theaters the next night We're gonna have fun we're bringing David Jolly to those Yeah, I'm sorry. Yeah. I'm sorry, I'm fucking up.

Starting point is 01:02:43 We're gonna have fun. We're bringing David Jolly to those. That's gonna be interesting. He got a full crack on the plane. Have a good night. There he goes. The great camp patterns in everybody. Alright, pulled another name out of the bucket.

Starting point is 01:02:56 Makes some noise for Jack Horner. Everybody, here's Jack Horner, everyone. Here we go. Makes some noise for Jack, everybody. Come on. Makes some noise for you guys. Thanks for watching. Thanks for watching. Thanks for watching. Thanks for watching. Thanks for watching. Thanks for watching.

Starting point is 01:03:07 Thanks for watching. Thanks for watching. Thanks for watching. Thanks for watching. Thanks for watching. Thanks for watching. Thanks for watching. Thanks for watching.

Starting point is 01:03:15 Thanks for watching. Thanks for watching. Thanks for watching. Thanks for watching. Thanks for watching. Thanks for watching. Thanks for watching. Thanks for watching.

Starting point is 01:03:23 Thanks for watching. Thanks for watching. Thanks for watching. Thanks for watching. Thanks for watching. Thanks for watching. Thanks for watching. Thanks for watching. Thanks for watching. Thanks for watching. Thanks for watching. Thanks for watching. Thanks for watching. Thanks for watching. Thanks for watching. Thanks for watching. Thanks for watching. Thanks for watching. Thanks for watching. Thanks for watching. Thanks for watching. Thanks for watching. Thanks for watching. Thanks for watching. Thanks for watching. Thanks for watching. Thanks for watching. Thanks for watching. Thanks for watching. Thanks for watching. Thanks for watching. Thanks for watching. Thanks for watching. Thanks for watching. Thanks for watching. Thanks for watching. Thanks for watching. Thanks for watching. Thanks for watching. Thanks for watching. Thanks for watching. Thanks for watching. Thanks for watching. Thanks for watching. Thanks for watching. Thanks for watching. hard for me, I get to invest in short term relationships. Game of last girlfriend, $150 a relationship only lasted an hour. Turns out we're both hiding things from each other. I'm an underachiever, she was an undercover. Yeah, once you got the handcuffs out, I thought it was just getting freaky. No guys, for real, I'm in a long term relationship, it's great. We just celebrated our one year anniversary, it's awesome. Yeah, for real guys, We just celebrated our one year anniversary. It's awesome. Yeah, for real guys It's really special because she's 85 in everyday counts You know the weird thing about dating an 85 year old's meeting the parents LOL JK

Starting point is 01:03:58 She hates that joke, but it's hard to carry a grudge if you got really on set all timers Oh, man guys. I'm a slightly handicapped straight white male That means it's not too long before the artwork comes out Racist did I say racist there goes my speech impediment All right, hi. Hey, what's up stuff? Fuck yeah Oh Lulee fantastic welcome back to the show my friend. Thank you. It's good to be back Tony. You have such a great fucking energy

Starting point is 01:04:26 Yeah, it's the cocaine it's crashed really hard. It's amazing Amazing definitely not from Wisconsin at all. Yeah, no, well, I'm from Missouri, but yeah You got a fucking personality on you. I guess you're a little wibbly wobbly. What is that again? Yeah, it's a cerebral palsy hell yeah, I know very little about it You got a fucking personality on you. I guess. You're a little wibbly wobbly. What is that again? It's a cerebral palsy. Hell yeah. Yeah, I know very little about it. It's kind of like one of the symptoms, you know.

Starting point is 01:04:51 Not too sharp up to here in the nod. I would do a little research. How are you, man? I would. I don't know how to read, man. So that's a roadblock. Hell yeah. Is that true?

Starting point is 01:05:04 No, it's actually the vaccine. I got. Hell yeah. Yeah. Is that trill? No, it's actually the vaccine. I got it. Oh. Yeah. Yeah. That's tick, Doug. Suddenly, let's do it.

Starting point is 01:05:12 This guy knows how to crush in Texas. Yeah. Absolutely, Jack. I'm vaccinated, though. Let's do it. Yeah, let's do it. I encourage that. Okay.

Starting point is 01:05:24 Yeah. Hi, Stov. I'm a big fans. Nice to meet you Yeah, this is your fan base right here I don't know a very strong base, that's for sure. Anybody okay? It's up to cell tickets when your fan base can't read. So I gotta give Sobros a lot of pictures, a lot of posters of me in an arrow pointing to a fucking theater. A link, click the fucking link. I prefer pop-ups personally if you can do that,

Starting point is 01:06:03 pop-up books, anybody okay? books anybody okay okay fucking working beats over there Oh, yeah, you're like Bill Durr. Oh That's funny I think my dish way bigger than that guys though 13 inches. Yeah. Oh, yeah, you're non-stop. You're like Louis Cp So you're palsy, for those of you that can't read. So you grow palsy, you see. Me and that guy have a long comment, that's for sure.

Starting point is 01:06:30 Yeah. Yeah. You are killing it. You are doing it. This is what this show is all about. I love it when people, you know, it's something that always happens. Like I hear a lot of people go, yeah, you know, Tony,

Starting point is 01:06:49 you know, he loves like retarded people. But they're funnier than normal people. Literally funnier. Like in the room, off stage, in real life, like fucking heath is funnier. Air in belile is funnier. Michael Lair was funnier. This is a perfect fucking Dude fucking example. I'm sorry. Could you say that a little bit slower? I didn't quite get it. Oh you son of a bitch

Starting point is 01:07:14 You son of a bitch So let's talk about it. Do you really get prostitutes? I have in yeah I have, I mean, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, OK. Oh, there's nothing better than a real honest answer, dude.

Starting point is 01:07:32 You can write, you can perform, but you can't beat that. Well, OK, listen, what's worse, a prostitute or like pretending to be nice to some fat girl you're never going to see again? You know, let's be real guys. Let's be real. Either way I'm spending money that I shouldn't spend. I shouldn't spend.

Starting point is 01:07:57 Jack Bucking. Horner. Yeah, thank you. Thank you. Thank you. You're too kind. Yeah. They're just doing this because I'm going to kill myself later, right?

Starting point is 01:08:12 Yeah. Any thought about that before? Is that a real thing? I mean, I'm on some medications that cause some side effects, so I don't know where that, like the medication line and like the, okay, yeah, okay,. Yeah. I mean I have to wait until after I'm famous So after this air is in like two weeks I might do it right? She's Christ. Well, it's gonna help you on the stool. Just gonna kick the stool out from under you hang yourself All right, I'll take another it's a building I think like a skyscraper. I don't know skyscraper. Yeah, that'd be cool, right?

Starting point is 01:08:43 Okay, it's like some Christ and people'd be cool, right? Okay, just like some pricing people. Elevator, yeah, for sure. Okay, so Jack, how do you make a living? What goes on here? You don't want us to live in a day in the life of Jack Horner. I literally just got fired today, isn't that crazy? You got fired today? Today, yeah.

Starting point is 01:08:57 It's crazy. Tell us about it, please. Yeah, I was a police officer. Huh? My knees weren't strong enough. Anybody? Yeah, yeah. No, it's because I was in blackface, Tony.

Starting point is 01:09:21 Try to relate to the community a little bit more, you know? He'll be denied you are hilarious So tell us what's your like living situation like tell us why I want to know more about you So I live in like a Studio like a really small studio that's fairly nice because it's a partisan government program It has nothing to do with my disability, okay? It's like it's cheaper rent because they. It has nothing to do with my disability, okay? It's like, it's cheaper rent because they want like young professionals to move to Austin.

Starting point is 01:09:49 So yeah, it's like, it's not bad. There's like a pool that I don't go to, but there's lots of hot chicks there. Why don't you go to the pool? I can't swim, Tony. You can't? No. Wait, come on.

Starting point is 01:10:02 I mean, I should try though, you know, because like gravity's like less of a thing in water, right? Yeah, so you could be one of the best female swimmers that they're there. That's a thing now, you can do that. Unfortunately, I'm on hormone replacement therapy right now, so that's gonna kill a lot of my edge. And also, I go in blackface too, so I don't know. Blackface for that too, you know what want to do blackface with the swimming pool. You might forget how to swim, if you do that.

Starting point is 01:10:29 Yeah, but I'm not drowning up here. Right guys? Kill it at you. OK. What? OK. Have you, Jack, what do you do like through your normal day? I want to know more.

Starting point is 01:10:41 You don't know it. So I like to fancy myself an intellectual. I like to... No, I can't read very good, but I go on Audible a lot. And Libby, the library app, we listen to audiobooks. I watch a lot of political videos. Politicol. Politicol. Okay, I got damn it. That was so sad. Wasn't it?

Starting point is 01:11:00 Political. Yeah. Anyway, I like movies movies too that's another big thing of mind yeah big movie bluff okay yeah what's your favorite movie of all time so I would say it's probably boyhood by Richard Linklider and Pulp Fiction's another good one Pulp Fiction yeah absolutely hundred percent no doubt about it yeah alright and what about what what about standup? How long have you been doing it? So I think four years, yeah, I like my first two years were in Missouri where you get to do it like once a week.

Starting point is 01:11:32 And a couple of years ago, I moved to Austin. I couldn't sign up for this as much because of my job, but that's not a problem anymore, right guys? Yeah. Unemployed. Yeah. What was your actual job? I sold phones.

Starting point is 01:11:45 You sold phones. Yeah. Wait, those are the young professionals they want to move to Austin. Yeah. Fucking T-Mobile employees. All right. I won't say which one it was, but it was better than T-Mobile guy. Wow.

Starting point is 01:11:58 You still have pride for the company that just shitt can to you? Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. They said they'd use me as like, or I could use them as a reference. So, you know, I shouldn't say like what their name is. Wait, no, no, I'm gonna be a famous comedian, right?

Starting point is 01:12:11 Fuck that, come on. I'm guessing it wasn't Sprint. Yeah, ho. Yeah. I probably said that last time you were on, right? Yeah, that makes sense. I don't know. Yeah, no, it's first funnier this time too.

Starting point is 01:12:22 Yeah, yeah. Yeah, absolutely. So. I'm trying. Interesting. Yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely. So Interesting Jack, what are you? What are some goals? What are some short-term goals in your life? Sure? I want to get laid get that fucking pussy Yeah, oh shit. Come on top shelf Self yeah top shelf. I don't think you can reach that Yeah top shelf I don't think you can reach that I mean the women I like are usually under five feet tall if you know what I'm saying Tony Okay, I don't even know what I'm saying right there. Wait, why does everybody groaning? What are you saying?

Starting point is 01:12:57 He fucks kid white to fucking beat the shit out of you right now. I don't think you could I bet I could take you son of a bitch. I don't know. I don't know. Hell yeah. You're not fit at all, man. Look at him. Yeah, I'm not fit. I'm not fit and I'm gay.

Starting point is 01:13:10 You might have a chance. Yeah. Just take your penis out. It'll distract him. Yeah. Just floor. Yeah. Oh.

Starting point is 01:13:22 My penis would be distracting because it's very large, right? Really? 13 inches, yeah. Oh, yeah! Hell yeah. Crook it. It doesn't matter if it's 13 inches, right? That's true. It's just the angle that the chick has to be in, like if she's like this way, and it works.

Starting point is 01:13:37 Okay, it's true. Hell yeah. How fucking true, dude. What is your favorite sexual position? Is it, but- Yeah, that's actually one of the cool things about being a handicap. You don't have to do anything. I can just lay there.

Starting point is 01:13:52 And then she can't just leave. You're normal if you're laying down. Yeah, exactly. That's the way you do when the prostitute comes in. You're just already laying there. Come in. Totally normal guy here Do what you shall do Okay, what I

Starting point is 01:14:10 Do make them undress me right like is that if I is that bad you make them undress Well, they it's not like fucking address me right now. I'm not assertive about it But kind of just lay there while they undress you like they're like changing a baby or something. Yeah, I'm wearing a diaper as well That's a bag of water over your bed. It's called a golden shower, Tony. You can pretend like you don't know about it. Oh, I live by that. Do you really have a giant penis, is that true?

Starting point is 01:14:35 I mean, comparatively to like my body. Three-hours each. Yeah, it's very, very small. But I think it's bigger than people think it is, you know? Okay, that's nice, dude. It's like a 6.1 from the base, you know? Of course, I know about the base measuring method. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:14:50 I know all about the base measuring method. Yeah. Oh, man. But no, I do have like really hairy pubes, though. Nice. That kind of like, because I don't like, I'm scared to shave my pubes, you know? Why are you scared to shave this?

Starting point is 01:15:04 Because you, people, you get Nick, you're fucking dick, dude. I knew I bet. I scared to shave my pubes, you know why are you scared to shave because you a people you get Nick your fucking dick I bet I bet but with male escaped That is not a problem Oh, and if you use the code kill Tony you save 20% off the new hedge trimmer to four point. It's a four point Oh, I Get the nose and ears trimmer. You can use it on your butt. Yep. I honestly didn't know that you guys sold that.

Starting point is 01:15:27 That's crazy. That's cool. We don't really sell it. They're like a sponsor. They're like a sponsor. Yeah, it sells it. I mean, it's an unbelievable product. Do you do it?

Starting point is 01:15:35 It's like where it sales people. Red is so much better at ads than comedy. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Starting point is 01:15:44 Oh. Oh. Oh. I should hire some writers from Zippercrooter. There you go, no doubt about it. And get them energized with some B12 plus caffeine toothpicks by Zippx, everyone. It's absolutely incredible. No doubt about it. You can use them anywhere. You don't have to go outside to smoke. You can use them inside the you know, you don't have to go outside to smoke You can use them inside as the red rows and the yellow rows while firing off a gel blaster while getting an IV drip and

Starting point is 01:16:15 ordering your car while fully secure Take all your photos and send it to your Whatever frame picture frame Everything you just said about that product isonent, is also true for cocaine. Am I right, guys? Yeah. You do cocaine?

Starting point is 01:16:30 You can smoke it anywhere. You do cocaine? Am I on cocaine? No, I'm not. I'm broke. I just lost my job. Right. If I was employed, I'd definitely be on cocaine.

Starting point is 01:16:38 But you do blow away when there's a strong wind? No. Hey, I see what you did there. Yeah. I know. Honestly, yeah. Like, I have been knocked down by a strong wind? No, I know, I honestly, yeah, like I have been knocked down by strong wind before, like, okay, I'm from like the Midwest, there's like lots of tornadoes, so you know, it's not 100% my fault, right? You're amazing, you're a very funny guy and I'm noticing you're an extremely strong improviser, so'm gonna do something a really really fun for you I'm going to book you here at the mothership for tomorrow night's bottom of the barrel show. Oh, yeah

Starting point is 01:17:17 Guess what else you get you get it you get to do a mediocre show too watch And I'd love to have you back on the secret show Look at that You thought the ceilings were high for you But till your four foot ten so hard and at an angle like that there he goes the hunch crack of Notre Dame everybody Hell yeah, he's already you already got joke, but look at him fucking Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha a lot of bucket pulls tonight, a lot of new faces. Make some noise for Jackson Leon, everybody. Jackson Leon, live, here on Guiltoni. So, I'll be all.

Starting point is 01:18:14 I've never gotten a tattoo in my life, so I've been thinking about getting a tattoo. My favorite quote, it's comparison is the thief of joy. I'm gonna put it right above my penis just so these women know. What I was younger, me and my mom were watching the karate kid and it's that scene where the old man's teaching the kids' slave labor,

Starting point is 01:18:36 you know. It was the first movie I'm not talking about Jay and Smith like that. But you know, it's wax on, wax off. My mom, moment of brilliant, she goes, oh, it's like jacks on, jacks off. I thought it was funny, so I went and told all my friends. I'm in ninth grade. In the next four years, everyone's talking about my masturbation addiction. It's really fucked up.

Starting point is 01:18:58 Teachers are like, people are saying you're jacking off in school. No, I jacked off in school. Try it once. It's not really fun to do that institutionalized. How many of y'all fuck with Bluetooth? We got Boenner gum now. It's pretty sick. I like to use it. But I like to use it for pranks. I prank my friends because I gave it to him a few times,

Starting point is 01:19:20 and now I just give them normal blue gum and suck their hard dick. Thank you. Jackson Leon. Welcome to the show Jackson. It's so exciting to have two stop-roses on stage the same time. What the fuck is going on? Unbelievable. I don't know what you did, stop-ros,

Starting point is 01:19:38 but you have all these people thinking they can do stand up. Welcome to the stop-ros, verse. Ha-ha-ha-ha. You shit. Oh, fuck. Do stand up. Welcome to the stop rows verse. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Stoppers, you are better looking than all of them though. I will let you know. You have a video. You look like you're filled with vitamins. He has that red band gray tint too long. Me, that's yeah. You don't get a lot of sunlight, do you? Not a lot of vitamin D, huh? You stay indoors.

Starting point is 01:20:14 You take the video games. I do have a pizza, so I'm inside the car all day. Deliver pizza, and then what are you doing you're at home? Eat some of that leftover pizza. Hell yeah. Can I ask one question? Who do you think you're fooling with a tucked-in shirt is what I'd like to ask?

Starting point is 01:20:27 As a fellow fat guy, you can take it out. There we go, yeah, there we go. Yeah, there we go. It's an issue. Look at that body. It's an issue. Let's try to hide him. A man who delivers pizza and when at home eats pizza.

Starting point is 01:20:40 A true life of pie you're living. Oh yeah. How long have you been doing this pizza on pizza on pizza lifestyle? I've worked at a few different pizza places. Wow. This is incredible. This is actually, can you name some of the past pizza places? Past shout out, Do you know where the pizza is to harbor?

Starting point is 01:20:57 Second place, two pizza places in town. Wow. OK, name some more. Domino's pizza. Oh, OK. And then the other Domino's pizza. Oh, okay. And then the other Domino's pizza that I work on. So it's true Domino's guy, through and through. Absolutely. How long you been on standup? A year and a year. All of it here in Austin, Texas. Six months here. Six months here. Where were you up before that?

Starting point is 01:21:24 First that I did was in DC. I moved down here from Austin, Texas. Six months here. Six months here. Where were you up before that? First that I did was in DC. I moved down here from Minnesota so I did a handful of sets down or up there. Now I'm here. Absolutely. What do you love about Austin? Well way more comedy opportunities are pretty much anywhere. Right now the weather's fucking nice although all summer that was unbearable. Yeah people like you have a rough summer here. Oh fucking yeah dude. Yeah. Howdy. What did you do to survive it? Oh, for a month, I lived right across street from Parking Creek and get like brain eating amoeba and cool down. See we go and you would go into the creek. I didn't have a shower for that month

Starting point is 01:21:59 either, so yeah. Wow. How did you not have a shower? I could go to any time fitness and shower. I paid them, but... Any time fitness? Yeah, anytime shower, no one. Is this the thing? Yeah, homeless people actually get gym memberships just to use their shower and think of the fucking place. Absolutely, okay, thank you, Red Band. Must be one thing.

Starting point is 01:22:19 That's why I don't go to the gym, man. There you go. Absolutely, whatever it takes. Any time fitness, God, what a dump. It's incredible. Did you ever do anything else there? To fitness sometimes, but uh. Like what kind of fitness did you do?

Starting point is 01:22:35 Can you give us a breakdown of your type of full pizza? What do you like to do fitness penis in his mouth? Hello! Oh, hi! It is true. Yeah. It is true. Yeah, it is true. Not actually the hell yeah, I do I go to the gym just to do pushbacks When I grind all right All right There you go. You know what that sound means everybody okay. What's your love life like?

Starting point is 01:23:04 Is there any well goth obese woman that is crawling into Crawling into your car with you. No, it's pre-pandemic. It's been a while pre-pandemic. Oh, yeah. Oh my god. Goodness. Wow My goodness pre-pan. Yeah, we're just rolling dude What do you mean? I mean, this is, dude. Huh. What do you mean? I mean, this is just life. Okay, what do you mean? Like I ain't even trying to get a relationship.

Starting point is 01:23:32 I'm just trying to, you know, deliver pies, make a little money. Oh yeah. Mix the people up. Make a bread, brother. Yeah, stacking bread. I'm gonna, sorry, I just, I see this man, it's in his, I see, just step one, get bigger shirts.

Starting point is 01:23:46 That's what's gonna happen, right? You're, it's not a large anymore brother. That's fair. You need a couple X's in there, all right? That's number one, they're just fit, closed and fit, that you'll be surprised how much more you'll believe in yourself, you know? When you're not scared,

Starting point is 01:24:02 you're fucking little belly's gonna pop out, you know what I mean? All right. Yeah, that's step one. And then also maybe a shower, you can place it with a shower, maybe step two. Yeah, no doubt about that. No, no. Huh?

Starting point is 01:24:15 I don't know. I mean, that best you're wearing as well, seems ridiculously small. Did those buttons button is that possible? Let's hear a drum roll. Let's see these fucking buttons. Let's go. All right, this is the moment. Oh, look at that suckin'.

Starting point is 01:24:30 Oh, shit. Whoa. Keep going, keep going. Keep going. I want you to button all those buttons, and then we're going to try to make you laugh and see if we can't bust these fucking things. Oh my God, ladies. it's like a corset.

Starting point is 01:24:47 It's like a corset for a fucking white trash guy. Oh my god. Get over here. Face me. Face me. Let me see that shit. Oh my god. Can you do the top one?

Starting point is 01:25:02 Can we get the top one? Uh oh. Welcome to another episode of No Fucking Chance. No chance. That shit. Oh my god. Can you do the top one? Can we get the top one? Oh? Welcome to another episode of no fucking chance Oh my god come on come on Hey, hey, hey, hey Oh, there goes my he needs two hands for this. Oh My god stop us is gonna help him Oh my god, you might die ladies and gentlemen.

Starting point is 01:25:30 He's getting a rear naked choked by a fucking shirt right now. Oh, it's impossible. Okay. Now let me ask you this. Oh, stick with me over here, Jackson. Do you think now are those like, uh, that looks like a teddy bear's closed? Dude.

Starting point is 01:25:47 Looks like you stole that off a mannequin. I'm a fucking ventriloquist dummy. Do you think it's possible for you to like get fat right now and, and, and, and blow those buttons? Cover your eyes. Flex. Oh. We're good, baby. It's a little bit stretchy. Cover your eyes. Flex. Oh! We're good, baby!

Starting point is 01:26:06 It's a little bit stretchy. A little bit stretchy, absolutely incredible. I can pull it off, bro. Hell yeah, dude. I'm sticking single XO. Yeah, okay. Is that what that is? One X? Yes, sir.

Starting point is 01:26:23 Gotta be two. Gotta be two. Yep be two, bro. Yep, you got bumped up to another X, and you will be leaving here with an extra large joke book tonight, just because I like your interview. I like your style. There he is, Jackson Leon, everybody. All right, another bucket poll.

Starting point is 01:26:41 We're flying through him tonight. Mixing Lloyds for Allie Musa, everybody. He's been on this show before. It's the return of Ali Musa. Here's Ali Musa. Everyone. Free. All right, so I've been going to the gym a lot lately.

Starting point is 01:26:56 This weird shit happened at the gym where I walked in the bathroom and I noticed that somebody carved on the wall. They didn't write it. They carved it like it was a tree, so I knew they meant it. It said, I love cock. I don't think it's funny either. I thought it was inappropriate though, so I did the gym a solid

Starting point is 01:27:13 and I changed it to something more appropriate. So I changed it from I love cock to I love to cook. It's easier than you think. You change the second C2 and O, you squeeze in a two after love. I love to cook. Went back the next day you guys, I walked in the bathroom and it said I love to cook cock. It's like, what the fuck? I couldn't let him win so I changed it to I love to cook cookies. I was like, game set, match motherfucker.

Starting point is 01:27:42 Went back the next day and there was just a big swastika with the inward. Oh. I'm so happy. I'm so happy. I'm so happy. I'm so happy. I'm so happy. I'm so happy.

Starting point is 01:27:53 They win, I guess. Shit. What? All right. There it is. Alley Musa. Yes. You get up on this show a lot.

Starting point is 01:28:05 This is like my fifth time. Yeah, that's incredible. Are you this lucky in real life as well? No, right, I can tell. I can tell by your face. Yes, of course. It is incredible. My face went viral from a clip on here.

Starting point is 01:28:19 Yeah. Someone sent me this video of when I did this Ben Shapiro joke and it had 400,000 views in like three days and I was like, hell yeah, I've made it. I read the comments, the top comment said, he looks like if Lord Farquad fucked Danny Trejo. That is true. That is true. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:28:36 It is unbelievable. Right. It is incredible. Yeah. You're going to look is incredible. We've covered this before. Yes. You've covered this before. We've been on this show.

Starting point is 01:28:47 I think I called you a melting magician last time. What? A melting magician. A melting magician. Yes. I agree with that as well. No doubt about it. This is why Zoro wore a mask.

Starting point is 01:28:59 Right. Yes. It's a frightening, frightening face. You have to deal with it all the time. Right. You might recognize Ali, famous for being under your bed when you were a child. Right.

Starting point is 01:29:13 It's absolutely. It's weird, because I didn't always look like this. I've aged like oddly. It's just, I don't know what it is, but it is absolutely incredible. It's a good face to have when it's Halloween and you don't have to do shit. I'm saying.

Starting point is 01:29:27 You just go out. I just go out as a Nigo Montoya and then it just, it works. My costume is Antonio Banderas with John Dis. Yeah. Yeah. What's your love life like with a face like that? I use that as a fashion. Is that a better shirt?

Starting point is 01:29:43 Women into fucking ferrite. Right. I don't know. I hooked up with a lot of big girls. Like've done this much, man. Are women into fucking ferrite? Right. I don't know. I hooked up with a lot of big girls, like I said last time. OK. Hooked up with a girl in San Antonio who looked like a sopa pee with legs. So that's where I'm at right now.

Starting point is 01:29:56 OK. I don't know what that reference is, but Michael Gonzalez is dying. So it checks out. It's going to hit hard with the Mexicans. Yeah. Absolutely. Absolutely. All right. And that was in San Antonio? Yes. checks out, it's gonna hit hard with the Mexicans. Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. All right, and that was in San Antonio?

Starting point is 01:30:09 Yes. Okay. Well, back. Uh-huh. All right, how about currently, like the last chick you hooked up with, what was that like? Last chick I hooked up with was in Arizona

Starting point is 01:30:19 and it was just boring and it was my face. So like, I mean, do you really want that visual guys? I mean. It was your face? Erasing. I mean, you you really want that visual, guys? I mean, it was your face? I mean, you want to picture me hooking up with someone with this face? Is what I'm saying. OK, all right, I'm bombing now, right?

Starting point is 01:30:33 Do you have any more voices? Like, do you have a new voice that you can do us? Oh, and I do voices on here all the time. I've done all the best ones I feel like. Oh, I can kind of do the professor from the Simpsons. All right, yeah, we've we really run out of your voice. I know. Let's hear it real quick and then we're gonna be on the Kilt Odie podcast, the most popular podcast.

Starting point is 01:30:54 In a live setting, Glivenlay. That's pretty good. That's pretty good. Here's some zippx toothpicks. You've been on the show a bunch of times. Love having you on Secret Show, man. Allie Musa, everybody. There he goes. Give me that name secret show. Allie Musa everybody. Allie Musa everybody. There he goes. Give me that name over there. Got another bucka pull.

Starting point is 01:31:08 We're flying through him tonight. Mix them as for your next comedian. One minute uninterrupted going to Tyler Gilbert's everybody. Tyler Gilbert, here we go. You guys still having fun? You want me to end the show? What's going on out there? Tyler Gilbert everybody.

Starting point is 01:31:23 Hey guys, I'm from a small town in Idaho, but for the last couple of years I was living in the big city. Boisey. We have 11 homeless people there, so, and even they sleep in a bed every night, so I don't even know how homeless they are. Here I get off work on 6th Street, and I'm literally like, oh fuck, sorry man. They're just everywhere out here. The other thing is homeless people here, oof. Homeless means you don't have a home. These people don't have six months left.

Starting point is 01:31:57 And no one gives a shit, which is fine. Homeless do the other night. He's like wrapped up in a beach towel. He's just like, he didn't actually have any teeth, but I can hear his gum slapping together. And then five feet away, some homeless, alright, some girls like, this Uber is taking forever. This night fucking sucks. Like have a heart, you know. I get a guy at 2020 and let me tell you,

Starting point is 01:32:25 those gums felt fucking nice. Alright guys, that's gonna be my minute. Thank you so much. Alright. There he is. Tyler Gilbert. How's it going, Tyler? Good, good.

Starting point is 01:32:37 Nervous. Yeah, you're nervous. Huh. Sorry. How long you been doing stand up? About three weeks now. About three weeks. That is incredible. Oh, some lady loves you. Is that your mom?

Starting point is 01:32:49 No, no, it's not. No, I know. Oh, there's one we found on. We're looking for a female comedian. This is how many names I had to go through because we haven't had a female up tonight. I literally was paying no attention to your stupid set the entire time. Deeply affects the outcome of your entire career this moment. Oh no.

Starting point is 01:33:11 By us trying to balance the scales of justice. That's fate. I don't know. A white man being held back by a diverse lineup. You have no idea what I'm up against being so white. Yeah, stuff out here. You have a rag attached to your leg right now Are you I work as Shakespeare's okay? Yeah, yeah, how are you 24 24 and you're over there? What bus and bartending? What's going on a door guy? Yep a little bit of everything, but yeah door guy how long have you lived in Austin three weeks? Three weeks. Yeah, moved here three weeks ago. Got a job at Shakespeare's and here you are on Kiltony. Yep. That's all. Yeah So you came to Austin to start stand-up comedy. I actually had a lifelong dream of being a door guy at Shakespeare's.

Starting point is 01:33:52 It's very funny. Where'd you move from? Boise, Idaho. Right, that's right. And there you were. And there you were. And there you were. No, I was.

Starting point is 01:34:02 And where'd you do there? I was a Wileland firefighter up there. Yeah. What kind of firefighter? Wildland. Wildland. What does that mean exactly? So when the wildland lights on fire,

Starting point is 01:34:14 we go out there with... LAUGHTER Can you describe to us what exactly wildland is? Is that, I mean, Idaho's a little bit different. Is wildland where what? A black person lives or something like that I mean, Idaho's a little bit different is wildland, where what? A black person lives or something like that? No, it's fucking wild out there. We don't go to that part.

Starting point is 01:34:31 We make sure we don't have any of those out there. I know, that's true. That's true. But yeah, forest fires, forest land, BLM land, not that BLM, Bureau of Land Management. Oh, there you go. It comes full circle. Absolutely.

Starting point is 01:34:47 Absolutely. The BLM that really matters, you know what I mean? The Bureau of Land and Measurements, whatever the fuck you say. Ha ha ha ha. So 24, tell us what it's like being a 24-year-old in today's society, you on TikTok. Uh, no. Ha ha ha. Tell us what it's like being a 24-year-old in today's society. You on a TikTok.

Starting point is 01:35:07 Uh, no. You out here chasing Bokemon. I'm actually okay with all of that because like if those pussy's are my competition, then you know, it's not it's going pretty good. Fuck yeah, dude. There was a guy up here. Yeah brother. Yeah dude, you're a fucking pussy. Fucking tough guy. I don't know. Really though, it is hard to hang out with people my age. It is tough. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:35:33 Why? Because they're pussy's. Yeah. Yeah. You're a fucking tough guy with the fucking talking about. Describe to us some ways that you're not a pussy. Give us some of the toughest things about you, Tyler. I fucking work out.

Starting point is 01:35:45 I drink Jamison. I don't complain about bullshit. I don't really know. That's the right. Give us some real ones. Keep going. Come on. Keep going, Elliot.

Starting point is 01:35:54 Keep it real. Keep it real, Tyler. Keep it honest. You don't have to be silly here. I want to know real tough guy things about you. There was a guy up here earlier that had cerebral palsy whose dick is three times bigger than yours.

Starting point is 01:36:04 So you have a lot of catching up to do. Yeah. Well, I can't promise everyone that I have a big dick. I guess you'll have to take my word for it. But I don't know. I guess I just don't complain about little things. I don't know. I don't know.

Starting point is 01:36:16 It makes me uncomfortable. I don't know if there's a patient trophy, dude. Fine. You ever do anything gay before? No. No. This was a question that came up a couple weeks ago. We had a lot of fun with that. I have not done anything remotely gay.

Starting point is 01:36:33 Yeah. You had to kind of not believe it. I've never done anything remotely gay. Yeah. I don't believe you. I fuck women, dude. I fuck you, dude. I fuck you.

Starting point is 01:36:43 Bar back mountain over here. Yeah. Tony has a buttony press. He just falls to the floor. He falls to the floor. Get him out of here. Six. Give me something gay.

Starting point is 01:36:57 Or give me nothing at all. No joke book for you. I love it. OK, what's the straightest thing you've ever done? Probably having sex with a woman. Not a couple of times. Yeah. Spout it.

Starting point is 01:37:13 Yeah, you have any special moves in the bedroom or anything like that? 24-year-old, I'd imagine you're a massive, big tree-jackulator. Yeah, it's pretty quick. It's like, if you ever seem like a bowl, like, mate, it's pretty quick. If you were seeing a bowl mate, it's just one bit, and then, yeah, it's about it. Fuck yeah, I'm hard as a rock right now. So interesting, so it's true, you do come really fast. Is there something you try to do to prevent that? Do you think of anything or anyone?

Starting point is 01:37:44 I definitely don't open my eyes or kiss them or touch them in any way. I feel like that will... Sounds really straight to me. Take it back, man. You sound straight as hell. That's what I do when I'm with women too. The Hitchcliffe Method. It's Peyton Manning. Oh. Unbelievable, Tyler.

Starting point is 01:38:20 Absolutely incredible. Okay, three weeks here in Austin. You came from Idaho, which is fucking nothing burger land, fucking nothing. So three weeks, what's the craziest thing you've seen working on six straight in three weeks? A lot of horus activity out there. Oh, yes. A lot of that. Tell us more. Describe it. I actually, I met a girl last night. She was like, you should come over and stay the night. And I was like, cool, where do you live? She told me she lives in Dallas.

Starting point is 01:38:53 I don't have a car. She told me I could take the train there, which I think would be the most down-bad way to get pussy. Just take a train. But those are the kind of women that are out here though, is take a train and fuck me kind of people, yeah. From bar back to Amtrak, I love it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 01:39:10 And I change this very quickly. I'm sorry, you met her here. Yep. And she was like, come to Dallas. But she was here. Yeah. How did she get to Dallas? She was going to drive back and ask you to take a train?

Starting point is 01:39:23 Well, she was staying with her friend, but she was like, you should come over and then ask a couple of days. Yeah. And then sucked you off then and there? I asked what I suggested, but now. I thought that would have been a lot easier for everybody, but the train ticket has been bought, so yeah. There you go.

Starting point is 01:39:41 All right, Tyler, congratulations. Welcome to the show, Welcome to Austin, Texas, you're three weeks in. There's a little joke book. Whoa, that's not a good sign, folks. Not a good sign for his future. That Omen. There he goes, Tyler Gilbert, everybody.

Starting point is 01:39:55 Okay, and I had to go through about 50 or 60 names to be able to find our first and only female comedian of the night. Oh, Celia was up. You son of a bitch. You are worthless at your job. Shut up, dude. I asked you. Well, we're gonna knock it out anyway.

Starting point is 01:40:16 Make some noise for Carly Anderson, everybody. Here we go. I'm bisexual, but you already knew that. I look like the kind of girl that would go, hey, smell my finger. I just recently figured out that there are different types of vaginas. What I mean by this is a summer a little more organized than others. And summer like the kid in school that would just shove a bunch of papers in his backpack. It's cool, she still does her homework. I went out on a date with a zodiac girl recently who asked to guess my zodiac sign.

Starting point is 01:41:04 I was like, yeah, sure go ahead. She's like, you're my zodiac sign. I was like, yeah, sure, go ahead. She's like, you're a Taurus, right? I'm like, yeah, how do you know? You fucking witch. She's like, oh, I can tell because you have broad shoulders. I'm like, oh, interesting. Are you a Libra by chance? Because you're a huge cut.

Starting point is 01:41:19 Oh, that's my time, thanks. All right. Fifty seconds from Carly Anderson. Welcome. You've been on the show before, right? Yeah, I have. Flirted with Theo Von. I did Flirt with Theo Von. Yeah, I remember. Say Merkut.

Starting point is 01:41:34 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, he did not respond. He was not buying what you were selling. No, he was not. In this world of buy, what's the, you got 50-50 guys to girls? How does that work for you? I would say 80-20 guys to girls, 80 percent guys. That sounds about right, that's how that nature intended for you.

Starting point is 01:42:01 Right. So the 20 percent when it's a girl, is that just when a guy's like, me and you're like, I just need someone emotionally connect with and maybe we'll finger each other too. Right, right when I'm down bad. Like it almost seems like it's just like having a like a, like a vibrator that's a human.

Starting point is 01:42:17 It's kind of like hanging out with a toy. Right, right. No, I think I just have such a specific type in women that I don't come across often, and that's where that 20% is. Describe that 20% of women to us. This guy's going to jerk off right now. Um.

Starting point is 01:42:33 Yeah. Nice, dude. I don't know. Little bit tattoo covered, little Austin, gothy, but like, gothy, but hit, but not liberal. And that's hard to fly. Like if you, you know, look. Why is that bad?

Starting point is 01:42:52 He gives up. You're just gonna eat her pussy. Yeah. Here's how she votes. I don't know. I just kind of had that. All of them are red at least one week out of the month. Oh.

Starting point is 01:43:01 That is fair. That is fair. That is fair. And the Servative, Periyan joke the month. No. That is true. That is true. That is true. And a conservative, periative joke, everybody. Nice. Hell yeah. Yeah, definitely the tattoos and the alternative looking women, but not like in your face about politics and bullshit.

Starting point is 01:43:20 Right, that's so interesting that you're a right leaning a bisexual I know it's it's really such a treat honestly okay so what's your favorite experience with a woman that you've ever had were you in a relationship at one point perhaps maybe something that lasted more than four or five days until the arguing absolutely took over everything because it's possible for those things to sustain and they don't really exist in normal society and for people trying to make it look like they do so they can make themselves see more interesting

Starting point is 01:43:53 than they actually are. People go and go ahead and answer that. Female relationships move a little too fast. Like a month in lesbian is like a year in straight. Like it's too fast so that I don't typically find another girl that's willing to move at a healthy pace. That's where you need liberal bitches. They're not doing it.

Starting point is 01:44:13 You want a Republican fight with tattoos and trying to get married? No, dude. Yeah, I'm talking about that. No one's some godless tattooed whore. That's what you need. Yeah. You're right, anyone out there?

Starting point is 01:44:22 Hello. Yeah, no one's slower than a liberal lady. It's true. OK, so Carly, 80% guys, 20% girls, we covered that. What do you do for a living? I am a stripper. Really? Yeah.

Starting point is 01:44:38 OK. Yeah, I know. Like, what, like, OK. He's like, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, like a paint stripper stripper like what are we talking about here? I can't imagine no I get on the pole did it really so you're a full-time stripper. I am yeah that is incredible How long have you been doing that for six months? Yeah, you love it? I love the money of it obviously, but I don know. I find it really entertaining to say the least.

Starting point is 01:45:06 Right. OK. What's the most money you've made in one night? 5,000. Nice. Wow. And so what did you have to do for that to happen? So if you've ever been to a strip club,

Starting point is 01:45:18 you know they have the backroom cabanas. And they're pretty pricey. It's about 1,200 an hour. So I just got a few hours with this dude and he was heavily autistic. He wanted to know every little detail about the job in my life and we just talked music and food and travel and he actually paid me to go put my regular people clothes on. That sounds about right. Yeah. That's what I would pay you to do. Yeah. Put some regular people clothes on and put this dildo on the inside of your pants.

Starting point is 01:45:54 My kind of strip clothes. Yeah. And say your name is Uncle Laser. Yeah. Can we see some moves? Can we see some syrup and moves? I literally stopped you from doing that a minute ago. You are retarded. Don't act like you don't view my Instagram. Oh!

Starting point is 01:46:15 There's not a fucking button on that board that's gonna save you right now. I don't know what you're planning on hitting. Do not hit that. There's a comedy show going on. Oh my God, a rough episode for Red Band tonight. Oh my goodness. I'm never not wearing a hat again. That's what happens. That's what it is. That's what you think it is. That's what I think it is. Oh man. I love it. I love it. Well I think it is. Oh man. Oh. I love it. I love it. Well, Carly, fun times.

Starting point is 01:46:48 Great stuff. Yeah. You know what? It doesn't seem like maybe we should. Can you show us what you move like on stage? Can we actually see that? Just hit music. Hit it.

Starting point is 01:47:01 Oh. Turn it up, Red Bam. I'm so excited. I'm so excited. Yeah, it's as bad as like, the stop there, stop there. I'm going to give you, do you have a big joke book already? I don't know. Yeah. Here you go.

Starting point is 01:47:17 You got one now. Boom. There she goes. I'm really happy. I'm really happy. By the way, I... Hold on. Wait, wait, wait. I just love that-

Starting point is 01:47:25 I love that we're like, we gotta get a woman on, we have to get some women up, do comedy, and then Rebans like, maybe shake your tits at us real fast. Yeah. I'm gonna have you on the secret show first. Oh, look at that.

Starting point is 01:47:38 I'll be there. Look at that. This is the hell yeah. Absolutely. Look at that! Hell yeah! Absolutely! Alright, hello! How's it going over there? Okay, well we've come to that point of the show ladies and gentlemen where there's nothing else we get possibly do. I mean, we've been through it all tonight. You guys have fun tonight?

Starting point is 01:48:04 we get possibly do. I mean, we've been through it all tonight. Do you guys have fun tonight? We've come to that hour where there's only one person in the world that could possibly put a ribbon on this thing. He's the record holder for all time appearances in the history of the show, an absolute legend of the game, the only living member of the Kiltoni Hall of Fame. Some people call him the Tijuana Tarantula, the Memphis Strangler, the Harlem Globe Trotter, the Brooklyn Brawler, the Vanilla Gorilla, the Big Red Machine, ladies and gentlemen, this is him, the man himself. William Montgomery, everybody. I'm also bisexual, but you all already knew that.

Starting point is 01:48:57 Melania Trump was critiqued for being the only first lady not wearing black at former first lady Rosalind Carter's funeral. But to be fair, Melania thought that no longer being married to a president was something to celebrate. New York Congressman George Santos just got kicked out of Congress for lying and stealing, which honestly surprised the hell out of me because I thought lying and stealing

Starting point is 01:49:22 were job requirements for being a US congressman. Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! His mom died in the Holocaust and his dad was the Pope. Show the guy some respect America.

Starting point is 01:49:37 Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Recently a skydiver got decapitated when he jumped out of the plane, RIPCord, more like RIP SpinalCord. Several months ago, a woman was arrested for using a vibrator on a Georgia beach, and last week she was found dead in her apartment from a self-inflicted gunshot wound to the head. Redbanna, I just want to express my deepest condolences about your mom, dude

Starting point is 01:50:09 You bitch Okay, that's my time William of Montgomery with one minute and 25 seconds of Absolute thunder and lightning as always and imposing force. He's done it more than anybody He continues to do it. He's done it more than anybody. He continues to do it. It's such a high pace. The crowd shut up!

Starting point is 01:50:31 What the fuck is going on? Seriously, don't fuck this up! Whoever's doing that! Whatever dumbass is doing that, stop. William is fired up right from the get a lot of extra energy tonight. Cancer fully gone. Full cancer survivor, two time cancer survivor. I am the best pound for pound fucking cancer fighter.

Starting point is 01:50:57 The doctor had ever seen. That's true. That is true. That is true. I was actually a lie dumbass, holy shit. William absolutely murdering everything you set up here was true tonight. An amazing performance. Stavros you've seen William before, correct? Yeah, cute guy.

Starting point is 01:51:20 I've got a twinkle in your eye, I love it, dude. Stavros that honestly is probably one of the best things I could have heard because I swear to God I've been watching this whole thing up in the green room and I was thinking to myself, you're kind of a cute guy as well. That's awesome. I'm serious. That really is probably not good. Stair well back there before the thing. I got a little too high. I'm getting real nervous. I'm going to bond I'm gonna bomb then

Starting point is 01:51:45 But you saying that right now seriously thank you so much You're welcome and thank you for saying that about me too. Yeah for sure. Oh my gosh and stoppers I promise that first thing I said on my thing tonight. I am bisexual Maybe after the show. Yeah, whatever Tony blow you. Was that seven eight? Thanks for something. It's good. You couldn't handle that dude.

Starting point is 01:52:14 It's not. So, William, if you were to do something with Stavros tonight, if you were to take him back to your place in Romance, and let's say that your girlfriend was out of town What would you do with? Sovros I would bend your ass over the couch Okay, straight into it no fault play whatsoever just jam it on in there Spit on my hand put my hand up in your butt all just fuck I don't like that man. That doesn't sound good to me

Starting point is 01:52:43 But all just fucking I don't like that man. That doesn't sound good to me Got a romance I'm a little bad I got a fucking throw your fucking ass around when we get up in there Start spitting on my fucking hands just fucking take your pants off dude and fucking I don't want you to fuck my ass William and fuck a- I don't want you to fuck my ass, William. Well, maybe we could get to that point. It's all the way, later on. I don't know. You're right.

Starting point is 01:53:09 It's such an interesting order of events. Spit on your hands and then have him take his pants off. Yeah. Very interesting. This is a man how you do it, Tony. I can't. I- Yes, it is.

Starting point is 01:53:22 Where'd you laugh at this? Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. There's a body of say-a-said on I-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i- I Something with your man bitch. He's fucking something There's a beta version of Andrew Tate in the front row here. I buried low testosterone Andrew Tate, who's a swim with his arms crossed. They're a good look. Real cool guy you are. Yeah, let me see your fingers, dude. Are your fingers cool?

Starting point is 01:53:59 William, you were on Faire this day, guys. What is going on with you tonight? You have a bundle energy to you. I don't know, it's fired up. It's that serial. I swear to God, I have been taking so many shits just the past week, the Albrane Buds. I again, highly recommend the Albrane Buds.

Starting point is 01:54:18 Chris Misfirit. He has the... Chris Misfirit. Man, you sound dumb as fucking I do. Fuckin' idiot. Fucking idiot. Where in that purple, you sound dumb as fuck tonight dude. Fuckin' idiot. Where in that purple, you bitch? Fuck off.

Starting point is 01:54:30 Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God.

Starting point is 01:54:38 Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. I'm one of the most unbelievable forces of nature in the show's history. Oh boy, why don't you just say bitch? What are you fucking talking about?

Starting point is 01:54:49 Oh shit. Oh my god. I'm staring at your fucking dude right there. And then you start talking and I was thinking y'all look fucking weird. Yeah. It is. Don't say a little bit. It is an adorable couple. You guys live about 40, 50 minutes away from here. Am I correct? Somewhere like that? St. Louis. live about 40, 50 minutes away from here. Am I correct?

Starting point is 01:55:05 Somewhere like that? St. Louis. Yeah, okay, perfect. The real burbs. Faken shake. Okay. So William, what else is going on this week? Anything else other than the all fiber brand buds? That's pretty much it, Tony. No, I'm just getting prepared for next week doing the shows in Rosemont, Chicago. We're gonna see how it goes Tony. Yes. I'm a little worried things. I've been kind of not looking good for me recently. I got this job working for this. It was like a, it's a place where you can play pu-pud, it's a place where you can play laser tag, it's a place where they had these go-carts,

Starting point is 01:55:54 and I was in line to becoming the top guy, Tony, at the go-cart track, and then I get this fucking phone call from this fucking private number the other night, and they're like, we're not, you're not getting hired. So, what are you looking for, Red Band? Yeah, I know, he's so retarded. It's unbelievable. It's an incredibly, incredible episode for Red Band.

Starting point is 01:56:15 He will literally do anything to crush any momentum or set up of anything that anyone else is doing tonight. Literally did not do anything. I know, but what could you possibly be looking up while he's doing his set as well? Yeah, I mean, but what could you possibly be looking up while he's doing? I mean, that was about to be the funniest thing I said all night. What were you about to do, just that?

Starting point is 01:56:28 What were you thinking? I was just looking for something. Flying through a soundboard? Yeah, that's what I do here. Yeah, I know. And then you hit, okay. You suck, Red Band. How's the fucking period out?

Starting point is 01:56:41 So keep going, keep going. No, you suck tonight. It's not a period. By the way, I have a period app. And every time he acts like a dick, I put it on the period app. You're bombing and it adds up. You're bombing again.

Starting point is 01:56:48 I have a period app. Everybody have a period app. You suck at your job. And when you do something, PC, it's called PC. Look at it. There's just like, there's a lot of shit in here.

Starting point is 01:56:57 You're in a job, you're in a job. I get it. And it's up. I get it. What are you even talking about? Are you going to edit in laughter after these things you do tonight? Why don't you just stop talk, take the beating that you deserve and then we move on.

Starting point is 01:57:10 It's your phone down, dumbass. It's getting day-guys. Sometimes you're great. Tonight was just not one of your nights. It happens sometimes. Here you go. You have to say the last word again. It is a little moving.

Starting point is 01:57:22 You know, you've always been right about him, well, you know. He's a fucking dude. I've never said that, but I've always agreed with you. I's a love. You know, you've always been right about him. Well, you know, he's a fucking dude. I've never said that, but I've always agreed with you. I've enjoyed it. So I've never stopped it. Stop the momentum of the entire thing. I'm just curious. Great. Yeah, keep on about the put. Put that laser tag as put put as golf cards. What else? Laser tag put put it a lot of arcade games. All different kinds of stuff you could do inside in there. And I get this call from this private number and they're like, William, we're sorry we were looking at all the resumes.

Starting point is 01:57:48 There's somebody who has just a better record than you right now. And so they chose the other guy, so Tony, I don't know. I might have to cancel the sets in Chicago. I might have to move back to Memphis. I think I might be done with all this shit. That's kind of the writing on the wall. Things have been going real bad with us. I don't get the fucking job. I might have to move back in with Larry and Freya and it's a Memphis Tony. So I didn't even want to

Starting point is 01:58:12 bring this up. Wow. And that's because you're in second place at the laser tag and Pup-Pup. Yeah, I didn't get the job, Tony. Wow. That sucks, dude. Yeah, I didn't get the job, Tony. Wow. That sucks, dude. You know what else sucks? Me, because I'm gay. Amen. Amen, brother.

Starting point is 01:58:37 William, anything else before we put a ribbon on this entire thing? Hoody Hoody Hoody. Look at that. The crowd goes wild. They absolutely love it. been on this entire thing. Hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody What the fuck? Ah, somebody get those Mexicans out of here. Holy shit, how they get so close to the stage. They really are. You would think they would stop interrupting, but odds are that... They ain't never gonna stop interrupting! We did it again, there goes the great and powerful William Montgomery, everybody.

Starting point is 01:59:27 Stavros, Halkey, has everybody fat rascals had right now. Make a noise with Stavros. Go watch it right fucking now on Netflix. Joe Blaster, Red Rose, Yellow Rose, Hall of Opera, connectmoblehull.com, Ninja Party Buses, Austin Security Guard Service. Makes noise to the great Michael Gonzalez on the drums. Paul Deamer on the horns, Matthew Oling on the electric John Dees on the Keys, and D-Mannness on the bass guitar.

Starting point is 01:59:54 The drawing from Ryan J. E-Belt is in, he draws every episode while it is happening, super fucking cool. Ryan J. E-Belt.com for that, or kill. Check out the merch.com for all your Killtony merch. Check out the secret show at the sunset strip ATX dot com every Thursday. Love you. There you go. Good night everybody.

Starting point is 02:00:13 Thank you so much everyone. Thank you. How about one more time for Red Band everybody? Come on! Now that we're off the air, one more time for Red Band everyone! 1 tbc 1 tbc 1 tbc 1 tbc 1 tbc 1 tbc 1 tbc

Starting point is 02:00:54 1 tbc 1 tbc 1 tbc 1 tbc 1 tbc 1 tbc 1 tbc 1 tbc ... ... ... ... ...

Starting point is 02:01:10 ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ouch ouch ouch

Starting point is 02:01:26 ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch

Starting point is 02:01:42 ouch ouch ouch 구독과 좋아요 부탁드립니다! you you

KILL TONY - #640 - STAVROS HALKIAS

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