KILL TONY - #642 - ARI SHAFFIR + MARK NORMAND + SAM TALLENT

Episode Date: December 26, 2023

Ari Shaffir, Mark Normand, Sam Tallent, Kam Patterson, Paul Deemer, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, Hans Kim, William Montgomery, Jon Deas, Matthew Muehling, Joe White, Kristie Nova, Yoni, Kino Loasis, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – 12/11/2023 THIS EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY: ZIPPIXTOOTHPICKS.COM – CODE: “KILLTONY10” FOR 10% OFF ORDER! — Support the show and get 10% Off with the code TONY at https://www.TheFreezepipe.com — Support the show by going to https://www.hellofresh.com/ktshowfree and using code KTSHOWFREE — LIQUID-IV.COM – GET 20% OFF ANY ORDER WITH PROMO CODE: “TONY” AT: LIQUID-IV.COM

Hey, this is RedBan and you're listening to the Desquad Podcast Network. This episode in every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Desquad.tv. All are merch can be found for Kill Tony at Kill Merch.com. Tony's on a brand new Tories going all over the place. So check out TonyHinchcliff.com for everything golden pony. And last but not least, don't forget I have a new comedy club called the Sunset Strip. We have a bi-weekly show with the Killtony band and the secret show is every single Thursday Get Tickets at SunsetStrip ATX.com. And now a brand new episode of Killtony.

Hey all, it is a super-duper digital event like nothing we've ever done before. A two-night experience unlike anything in Killtony history. Go to KilltonyLive.com and get your live streaming tickets for the two arena shows. So much insanity is going to happen. As always, I always keep the guests and anything that I have up my sleeve a complete surprise for you, but if I told you what was going to happen on these two nights, you would be pumped. And plus you already know all your favorite regulars. And of course, Rick Diaz versus Hans Kim for eternal, regular ship on the show, a battle of two absolute autistic titans.

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Michael Gonzalez on the drums, Paul Deemer on the horns, Matt Milling on the electric guitar, John D's on the keys, and this is our good friend, Dee Madness, on the bass guitar, everybody. All right. Fun show ahead. Before we get started, here's a little bit more than the amazing sponsors that made tonight's episode available for you here, right now. NINJAPartyBuses.com where you can reserve your ride to the arena on the 30th and 31st sold out shows in Austin, Texas for this show.

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start tonight's episode or what? It is a goddamn pleasure. You know, I take the liberty of booking every single one of these shows and we go in a specific order. Sometimes it's beauty and chaos and this and that. Tonight's one of those nights where it's everything under the fucking sun. I present to you one of the funniest guests in the history of Killtony ladies and gentlemen, a new special coming out December 26th. Truly one of the best guests one of my favorite comedians in the world. Mixing noise for the great and powerful. Sam talent everybody Sam talent is here. Truly. One of the best. If he's not already he's got to be one of your favorite comedians on planet Earth. Learn to love it. Sam motherf' talent is back! Hey, everyone, thank you for- Hell yeah!

The best- Make some fucking noise for Sam talent one day times. We're in it tonight. Ladies and gentlemen, Sam's been on a few of the best episodes we've ever had. The last one was with the amazing Doctor Phil. I'm glad Adam's not here to fuck up everything. Hey, yeah. I've been the funniest guy ever alive. Yeah. I'm glad Adam's not here to fuck up everything. Yeah. I've been the funniest guy ever alive.

Yeah. Adam Ray's Dr. Phil is so funny. We were talking about it before to show about how we were just, by halfway through, we're just setting him up and just watching. I forgot the talk. Yeah, we were watching a podcast. I was transfixed. He was like watching an eclipse through a piece of green bottle glass.

That was the funniest shit I've ever seen. And I was in jealous. It was fine. A new special that toads morale debuts tomorrow on Matt and Shane's Secret Podcasts YouTube channels. Make sure you check that out. Please watch it. Yes.

And we're going to have fun tonight. You know how this works. I am pleased to announce that we actually, you guys will not believe this, but we have a record amount of signups tonight for Austin, Texas, right, as of right now. 218 signups. Ooh, there goes one flying. I bet 14 of them are funny.

It's a hobo jungle back there right now. It really is. He were trading salt for bullets. It's insane. Yeah, no, it's fucking absolutely wild. The mixed amongst those people are geniuses that are just trying to survive. Some of them wait months and sign up every week. And a lot of people who have held a baby's head underwater for more than 30 seconds. Yes.

That's the majority. But if I pull one of their names out, they get 60 seconds. You know, their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up. Then they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. And then I interview them and we find out more about them with our esteemed guest, Sam Talant. And I'm now pre-pulling, who will be the first comedian

out of the bucket. And while we get them from a bar next door, I think we should get the show started with one of our regular's, everybody. I think you know how this goes. Every single week, this guy does a new 60 seconds and an interview to start each episode, selling out all over the world.

When we found him, he was living in a van doing 10 person open mics. Ladies and gentlemen, I present you a wild success story. His name is Hans Kim. The ceilings and Brian Redbanz Club are so high that that's where I go to fly my drone. Yeah, sorry, I had to start out like that. Obviously you didn't like that one. I don't think everyone who's patriotic is a loser, but I do think everyone who's a loser is going to be a little bit patriotic. Because if you got nothing good going on in your life, you're going to be like, well,

at least I'm here. Here, here, here, here. But yes, it's very sad to know that Joe Biden is still president. I hate Joe Biden so much that I'm racist against old people. Well, look at this guy walking around like he's the president. Thank you. All right, Hans, Kim, ultra light tonight. I like it. Hell yeah. How do we right, Hans Kim ultra light tonight. I like it Hell yeah, how we feel Hans great

Hell yeah Sam would you think about the sweet performance by Hans Kim a big fan of Hans off stage he last Last night I saw him at the after the Christmas party, getting choked out by one of the door staff. While eight other members of the security team were throwing $1 bills, it looked like the rape of NANK. It was, I got raped yesterday by a door guy. It's actually funny, I totally forgot about that.

You just reminded me that I was watching Hans What how did that start you told the security guard that you could beat him and what was it you jitsu or wrestling? Well, I saw these two animals just going at it. Oh, they were wrestling. Yeah, these two two door Animals, well, no, it was that's something door guys the door guys are comedians here. Those were the security When they were exposite beasts. Yeah, they are. Literally killers like black belts and purple belts and blue belts and then there's you like I could do that. How did you jump in though? Well, they were just going at it, you know, really upping the aggression level in the room and I was like, you know, this is just so primitive and we should work at comedians, we should be higher

than this. So I go into the stop then and- You went to break it up. Yeah. Okay. And then one of the guys, Riley, was kind of lipping up to me. Huh. And I was like, Riley, don't make me.

What did he say that was lipping up? Well, you know Riley, you know the way that he is. He's just sort of like... I literally don't know Riley. Nobody here knows Riley. You're talking about Riley, like he's on like a sick spot. Honestly, he really didn't do anything wrong. I was looking for a fight.

I saw them there that it looked like fun. I wanted to join in, so I just grabbed the body and started going at it. It did not work out, believe it or not, everybody. Trying to figure out what really happened, and it just keeps getting weirder. What else is going on in life, Hans? You know, my girlfriend is stupid, I found out. How stupid is she? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha It's an ethno state. They only let Japanese people in. Where should be? Yeah, that's right. Absolutely. Do you like the fact that when you find out things like that, do you respect her more or less? You know, it means it's going to be easier to get what I want out of her.

So yes, I do enjoy having an advantage over the people that I love in my life. What do you want out of your passport back? I just want my green card and I'm out of here. No, I'm just kidding. Have you been doing hard drugs again lately? Just marijuana. No, I haven't been doing hard drugs. No, I'm fine.

Why do you say it? Like a lot of people have been accusing you of doing hard drugs. No, I'm not doing our drugs dad. I have been pretty good about not doing hard drugs. I've been doing mushrooms like once or twice or three times a week. Anything fun happened when you're on mushrooms. What do you like to do? I was on an airplane. I missed my flight. I had to pay a lot of money. But luckily I'm rich now. I have a lot of money. Hans is out of it, right? You said you were on an airplane and you missed your flight. How good were those mushrooms. I love the mushrooms. They're from Neutropics.

Check them out. Sorry to bring you into this long. What the fuck? Plugging things? Alright, we're going to get rid of them. There he goes. Hans Kim everybody's having a panic attack. Bring the interview portion of the show tonight.

A rare treat. I've never seen him leave so fast and his entire career on this show. I think Riley choked him a little too long last time Yeah, that was almost impressive. That was the best I've ever seen him do I Don't know what just happened exactly But now we go to the bucket so it's gonna be interesting. We have to build momentum out of a bucket pool here Let's see what happens. Let's anything can happen blah blah blah you get it

out of a bucket pool here. Let's see what happens. Anything can happen. Blah blah blah, you get it. Anybody can sign up. Let's see what happens here. Tony Cruz, everybody. 60 seconds uninterrupted from Tony Cruz. How's everybody doing? Sometimes when I masturbate, I stick a skiddle up my ass so I can feel the rainbow. I know I look like a Billy Ray Cyrus, and Molly Cyrus had a baby.

Yeah guys, I'm a Southernjob from a retard. I call that radio head. She said, this is so good, I fell asleep afterwards. It was some real ZZ top. You have a wonder who Joe Biden's favorite band is. It's probably the who. Who? I am. You guys like Pokemon? Yeah, I was eating some pussy or not. The pussy squared in my face. Remind me of that Pokemon character, Squirtle.

You know, Squirtle just squirting all over the place. I thought a baby if you keep on, you're gonna make me charge hard. And I'm gonna blast or we share a peek at you. That's going, make me charge hard and I'm going to blast Royce your Pikachu. That's when I put out the old Bulbasaur, pin the wrinkles behind her head and start giving her the slow poke. Slow poke. Wow.

There he is. Tony Cruz, everybody. Unbelievable, because I mean he's got the look. There he is Tony Cruz everybody Unbelievable because I mean he's got the look the cadence the delivery and you're just he's got nothing behind it You should be so much more funnier than you are yeah usually the material has to catch you up to the stage presence But not tonight. Yeah, does, I mean, it is fucking rock stardom for you, sir. Thank you, sir. I mean, listen to you, you're so cool. I'm a huge fan, dude. I'm a huge fan. I'm actually a huge fan of you. What? I'm giving you a pretty big compliment here.

I think you've got it all figured out except for material. Yeah. It's actually quite a bit. It's like a lot of the battle. You know, like the radio hit, I mean, I got the barely- I didn't get it. I wanted to get it. Radio was like a lot of the battle. You know, like the radio hit, I mean, I got the barely- I didn't get it, I wanted to get it. Radio was like a retarded black guy who was the water boy. And the band, it's the movie and the band, you know? I did not know that.

Yeah, we understood it was the band. Thank you, Tony. Yes. That came through. The punchline is what didn't translate. Yes. It was the radio part. Why would the radio be retarded?

Because that the gentleman in the movie had- What movie? Radio. The fuck movie is a radio. Why would the radio be retarded because that the gentleman in the movie had what movie radio My being pranked or something radio you fucking idiot 2002 2002 movie and you guys are losing your minds over it right now I've never fucking heard of this You a gooding junior why would this be a sport comedy with fucking it was not a comedy No, that's a very serious bio thing. It was a true story It says sport comedy. I think it doesn't hold up so it's funny now to see it

Yeah, it was mentally disabled so they know what it is. It was about the only black guy to not make a football team. That's what it was about. Really? Cooper Gooding, Jr. was the retarded guy? Yeah, yeah. OK, lady, shut the fuck up. We found Radio's biggest fan over here.

He was speaks in a very condescending tone. Yeah. Shut up. Pan over here. He speaks in a very condescending tone. Yeah! Shut up. I liked a lot when he got to like 45 seconds and he was like, looked at us, like, oh god, I have to do another joke. And then he went into the Pokemon material? Man, I love Pokemon, dude. I grew up playing this shit. I'm...

I got more to that joke, I'm'm just saying the references. There's more. Oh my God. You do all a hundred and fifty-one We're getting there. Yeah, no we're getting there. I'm still tagging that one. I Thought she was a jinx, but she was a Mr. Mine You're not gonna believe this radio fans, but I know nothing about Pokemon as well. I mean, I'm really out of the loop during this, and I have no references I can make right now. But be too, man. Oh, yeah.

Tell us about you. How long have you been doing stand up? Been doing it, just came over a year. So all of it here in Austin. Oh man, I start in Dallas. I'm from a small town called Sulfur Springs. So it's north east Texas and me if y'all know where that's a you appear as you though you were raised around a lot of sulfur. So that makes sense. I get the vibe. Yeah, you smell like the night before Easter. Oh man. Yeah, it's a small town. It's a good town, but yeah.

Yeah. A little known fact about my town, like there's like a fact is a little no fact about your town. You're gonna love this, Tony. And literally finding out about solvers. They say anything, I would be. Oh, you're gonna love this. They have glass bathrooms in their downtown

and it's mirrored on the outside, but you can see everything around you. So, and there's also like a place where kids splash around so during the daytime if you're a pervert you can, anyways, it's... Yeah. If you're a pervert, I like that disclaimer you put out there. That's kind of what we think is there for, you know, I'm just, anyways.

Have you used... I hope I don't get killed saying this. Did you say that was a fun fact? The old glass bathrooms and not a lot of people know we got glass bathrooms down down So basically I'm looking women right in the eyes while taking a monster shit You know what I'm saying because I'm using the public downtown bathrooms for you love my whole toe It's a good it's a cool place man. Yeah, what else is cool about it? How many black people live there? I bet he knows exactly the amount.

Sulfur Springs doesn't sound like a very welcoming place. It is segregated. Like it's one of the, it's still got, MLK still has a black side and then, you know, yeah. Yeah. What was that last park gonna be there? And then there's Mexicans. Oh.

Oh. The old Caesar Shabbos street. What was that last park gonna be there and then there's Mexicans. Oh The old Caesar Shabbos Street I like everywhere man. Each neighborhood makes it quite clear what you can expect And then you got your good old George Washington Mule of ours. You know what I'm playing variable where I Where I like to be. So, anyway, yeah. Don't forget about the Jew corridor. That's really popping off this time of year. I've had Mark Coleman on my podcast. I have a podcast too.

But, yeah, set up. What? What name did you just drop? Mark Coleman, Mark the Hammer Coleman. Yeah, okay. Oh, real segue into your podcast there. Very very smooth transition almost completely unnoticeable seems like you had no intention of trying to do that And you're if you got pulled out of the bucket here I'm glad you took your hat off during your set so we know the hairs not attached to it

What do you do for a living looking and talking like you do toad taster? This man can lick a toad and tell you exactly how old this is. I do, I do have a foot fetish. Yeah, I do have a foot fetish. I'm been married for, me and my wife been together for 11 years, I've been married for years. But yeah, when you've been to get it out long, you have to get into feed and stuff.

So, yeah. I don't know, should I? Should I still tight? Yeah. Didn't I ask you what you did for the living? Oh sorry. Well, you started talking about questions and I'm sorry. Sorry. I started thinking about fees.

Sorry. Go ahead. I got this. You know money? What do you do for your child? How do you get it? Oh yeah. I had a good job during COVID.

I was essential so I made a lot of money here in that period. So I've been living off the savings and just... You were a what? Essential and essential employee, so yeah. What, what were you doing? Manufacturing, yes, sir. I don't believe anything, you're saying. What were you, Crystal Math?

No, I think he was making the virus. I got paid a lot of money, you know. Yeah. I kept still for springs running, brother. That crank powered our goddamn city. How are we gonna keep the black people from going to the good target unless we're all gacked out? What type of situation were you raised in?

Is it like a trailer? Is it like a lot of farmland trailer? Yes, sir, yes, sir. And were your parents together when you were a kid? Yeah, they were together. And then my mom passed right before COVID. So she didn't have to experience that bullshit. But yeah, man, it was a great match. I'd rather be dead than after we were fucking past it.

What the? I'm glad my mother did not have to look people in the eye. That's why I moved to the city after COVID because when my small town they didn't even, well, we didn't give a fuck. Nothing changed. Nothing at all. Nothing. Did people talk about how nothing had changed there a lot?

Oh, everybody was kind of... I mean, everybody else... We saw everybody else changing and we're like, why they want to do that for you, no? So you were raised in a trailer. Let me ask you this before I let you go, because this is a long interview. What's 3 plus 2? Look, why are you gonna put me on a spot like that? I'm sorry, dude.

Fuck that. I want to know Tony Cruz, if that really is your name, because you don't seem like a Tony nor a Cruz. Uh, but I wanna know, what is in your life raised in a trailer, sulfur springs segregated? What's the white trashiest thing you've ever done or what's been part of? Like in your life, if there's one thing that you remember,

like doing or being part of out there in sulfur springs or perhaps anytime after that. I'm half Mexican. That was earlier then there was another question. The question was I mean that's anyways. What do you think the trashiest thing ever? I can't like brown trash. Forget what's the brown trashiest thing.

I'm trying to say is like being half Mexican is great man is cool. Have you ever I can't like brown trash forget what's the brown I'm trying to say is like Be in half makes him is great man is cool. Have you ever answered a question before? Yeah, you know what I'm gonna go back to three plus two. I want to see if you have this I was trying to I was hoping be saying have makes going make them laugh you know talking shit about mixing Yeah, but why would that make them laugh? No. My bad jokes, I guess. I don't know. You're very likable, Tony. Let me rephrase the question.

You answered honestly. What's the trailer trashiest thing about your childhood or your upbringing? And then you get to go after this. Just answer honestly. I used to, when I was young, me and my friends would break out of the trailer house. And then three o'clock in the morning we would go down neighborhoods and rob get unsee if anybody left their doors unlocked yeah and then we would grab their guns and their rent money and all that shit and then take it with us you answered that one perfectly well

there we go there we go very good people are amazed that your ability to answer an honest question that That was also a legend. No, but yeah, that's what we, I mean, dude, I grew up poor, you know. So you would rob the other trailers, you know, like a reverse? No, no, no, we would go to the Noss neighborhood. Okay. They normally don't, they leave their shit in the lock, so we would just, well, you can't do that now.

There's a ring camera, yeah, you can't do that now. Right. White trash, you know, burglary. Yeah. Yeah, it's actually pretty open-minded of you. Right. Well, Tony, congratulations. Fun stuff. Here's a little jokebook, my friend. Mix some noise for Tony Cruz, everybody. Is that an offer a little jokebook? Did I hear an awe out there? So if someone with emotions that likes expressing them? Aw There's someone with emotions that likes expressing them Yeah, let's keep it moving you guys haven't fun yet

All right, I have good news for you guys this next bucket pool has an eye in parentheses next to it Which means they are inside of the room. They are one of you So that's usually like a first time or something like that Make some noise for your next bucket pull Ashley Seta everybody Ashley Seta Ashley There she comes like you believe right from the middle of the room Taking a very long time you're going the absolute wrong direction there you go They don't leave a bumper while she's walking through the ground. Literally almost walked into a wall and backwards.

She went away from the stage and that way. Literally couldn't go a worst direction. You pick. Maybe perhaps. There she is. Fuck yeah. How many people on this show? How many people do you like to do good on this show? How many people do bad on this show?

Wow. 60 seconds uninterrupted for Ashley Setsa, everybody. Holy shit, y'all. It has been a week. My sister got her PhD earlier this week and I'm on Kilt Tony, so I think that we can all imagine who my mom is probably the most proud of. So going on with disappointing the parents' stories, let me tell you some embarrassing shit that's happened to me in my life. Let's go.

Um, cross-country runners. I hope there's a couple of y'all out there. Hope you guys are good. All right, we got one. I'm assuming everybody else did beer runs. I feel that. All right. I ran cross-country in high school.

That was a hot minute ago. I was fucking awful. I was so bad. They made me run varsity one time and the only time. And you know, I'm running and they have a golf cart behind you and it is just tailgating my fucking angles man and I'm like oh my god this shit is real I am the slowest person alive. Okay Ashley Satta holy shit you went for it no preparation whatsoever. Not minute went so fast. Yeah. He may de-cover his ears. He only has four senses. I didn't even hear me out. You know what I mean? God damn. Right. God damn. Okay. Where are you from? Sulfur Springs. I'm from Austin, Texas. Whoa. Everybody's pissing. You're from Austin. I got damn it.

Wow, representing Austin, Texas. So I'm guessing this is your first time attempting stand-up comedy. Yeah. Good. It's a good answer. How do you think it would? Probably not that great, but that's all good.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So Ashley, what made you want to try this tonight? Uh, basically, why not? I highly doubt it. I highly doubt it. Oh, I know there's a reason why not. And I think you guys fucking did it.

I have some answers for you on the why not. See, I very rarely that I get asked a question on the show. And I'm proud to question on the show. And I'm proud to answer the why not. The why nots would be that people that have prepared or wanted to do this for years or perhaps even months, sign up for the show. And then you come up here like if John Bennays survived

or murdered trying to put on a pageant type of, let me tell you some awesome embarrassing stories about me. This is like a bad pageant type of, let me tell you some, y'all some embarrassing stories about me. Like this is like a bad pageant. It's like one of those like a, like a Purina dog pageant or whatever, like a, like one of those like, oh look at this one, this one's a stand-up comedian dog. Everybody, look there's a microphone in front of her. Ruh, ruh, ruh.

I've heard a lot of comics try and like ask the crowd a question to start a bit. I don't know if there's a more aliening question to ask a comedy crowd than who does cross country. Yeah. Read the room, Ash, come on. These people barely have feet. They got the sugar syndrome.

You're just up here bragging and you're cool sweater? Come on, Ash. Are you like that sweater? Oh, yeah, oh my god. That is game respects game This is so us Girl stop So cross country I missed it because I was bored out of my mind. Cross country, you said that you do that? Oh, hell no.

I actually would not even run at this point if it was to run my murder. You see more of like a shot put kind of girl, right? You have the. What? Why is that a groany thing? Why are you groaning at that? Brock Lesnar's daughter, everybody. I want to.

What is it? Those genetics are strong. Oh, yeah. I've actually grown more into the sport of watching football and drinking beer while I do it. But yeah, back in the day, I was a lot more of a kind of not really. I think the only thing you've ever run away from is an abusive relationship. No, you stayed.

Oh, no, I don't. I am the abuser, so... Oh, yeah, you're exciting. Let's go. I'm just kidding. Right, girl? Yeah, what do you do to them? You're stand-up actor? Basically. Ear beatings?

I'd lock the door from the outside. You must listen to some embarrassing things about me. She should have to do her act in that glass toilet in sulfur springs. As long as I'm not the one's outside of that window, I'm fine with it. Like I'd rather be in that I don't want to be the one being looked at. Thank you. Okay. So, what do you think? She could have riffed it. Like, I'd rather be in that I don't want to be the one being looked at. Thank you. Okay. So, what do you think the-

She could have riffed, too. Yeah, I know. What do you think the funniest thing you've ever done is? Has anyone ever told you like, Ashley, you're so funny. Like that? Has it been like a time or is this just your just really just shooting for it? This is like the half-court shot at a professional game. Like, we're going to let this person shoot and if do anything it's all, we'll all be surprised.

I mean, I think the funniest thing I've ever done is be right here with you guys. Wow, wow. It's funny, like you talk, you talk, you sound like a hot chick and I'm watching. The words and you guys kind of hear like the fucking greatest thing I've ever done and I'm not a chicken, I'm watching. The words, and you guys kinda hear, like the fucking greatest thing I've ever done, and I'm just like, it's not matching, the fucking, I'm just kidding, you're great, it's okay. Everybody, there's a groany audience tonight. Let me tell you something. I'm blaming the awkwardness of this interview on Y'all.

Here's a little joke book Ashley. Whoa, good catch Catcher shop putting shorten air we should we should talk about that more though like don't sign up if you don't want to be a Comedia don't waste people's time because it's not funny for any of us without saying but yeah Definitely don't sign up if you're retarded. All right, pulled another game out of the bucket. Mixed it with a tray, a Campbell, or a camber for something like that.

Trey is next on Pill Sony. Oh shit, oh shit! Mixed it with a tray, everybody. Hey everybody, I'm Trey Campbell. I'm on the autism spectrum, I'm the same as everyone else, I just got more vaccines. Oh, great! Thank you.

It's so crazy, a lot of older women come up to me, they're like, oh my god, it's so cool, you're on the autism spectrum, so it's my son, I'm like, does that mean we're not fucking? Who wants to fuck their kids, am I right? Any Lizzo fans in here? It's crazy, there's allegations going around that she made her backup dancers eat fruit out of a sex workers vagina.

And I think those allegations are unfounded because we all know, Lizzo doesn't know anything about fruit, am I right? Lizzo is my dream threesome, so there's two of Lizzo. I'm so excited to be here. As a kid I would always care on a wire coat hanger and they would be like, Tray, why do you have a wire coat hanger? And I would always say, I've had this since I was in the womb y'all

Holy shit look at this. I mean where do we begin? Tray Campbell are you doing Tony? Wow? I've been looking for a new William Montgomery and I think we found them ladies and gentlemen. Well, I'm drunk enough So no Williams still drinking William sober now, you're adorable. And you only come around during the Christmas times. Looks like sand. I'm the elf on the shelf. That's a fucking sturdy shelf, bro. That's a steel shelf.

It's dope, you know. We look like we showed up for the same casting call. I know. That's hope we're not on the casting couch. No, no. Oh my goodness. They're going to have to put a ton of on it. Good.

It's good to see you again. Were you on in a way? No, I remember that. That was an Austin. Yeah. You invited me. What? You invited me.

I invited you. Yeah, you said me a William would do our thing. I saw you on the street. Yeah. Yeah. And I told you to come do a thing with William would do our thing. I saw you on the street. Yeah. And I told you to come do a thing with William. And then you did. I did. Correct.

That's right. What was he doing on the street, butting the heads up a chicken? What were you doing on that? I don't remember, exactly. Probably trying to find Adderall. You're an Adderall addict, huh? Correct. Oh, God working.

That is so interesting. What do you like to do after having Adderall? You know, I like to watch old NBA highlights. I like to watch the Chicago Bulls take on the Atlanta. This is the second person in a row that does not sound like what they look like. Is anybody with me on this? Ron White gave me a asset a few days ago, either I'm having fucking flashbacks to that, or these people do not.

Why do you sound like that? I think it's because of a lack of testosterone. Oh. Oh. Oh. She's nodding. You know what a sexy woman with bangs nodding at that joke. Oh.

Look at you. you're adorable. Thank you, Tony. How old are you? I'm 28. Whoa. I know, it's crazy. Why do you think? That's a tough 28.

What has happened to you? Why do you think you age so much? You think I age? Thank you. I've been trying to look older, so. Oh, there you go. It's like you absorbed the voice of the kids you molested. Ha ha ha.

I was the one getting molested. All right. That's an upbeat. That's funny, though. Yeah. Oh my goodness. I mean, what? It must have been a horny pedophile.

Ha ha ha. Oh, you know, you take what you can get. You're telling me. It's like I ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha That's funny. Thank you, Tray. You're welcome. It is incredible. I mean, you are a spitting image. 28 years old and he looks like the mayor of Munchkinland. It is incredible. Well, you know, it's been annexed, so I can't... I didn't let him wear a crush and told that.

Okay. What do you do for work? What arcade games do you collect the quarters out of, ex-anically? He's so awesome. It's funny. I work at the Secret Group, so... What do you do for work? What arcade games do you collect the quarters out of exactly? It's funny. I work at the secret group, so in Houston. Oh, yeah, we love that place Yeah old-school fucking territory and you live in Houston correct right and Are you gay? No, you just sound like that. Yeah, you know how it is. I do know exactly how it is I literally know like that. Yeah, you know how it is. I do know exactly how it is. I literally know how that is Yeah

Yes Everyone knows that I know what that is like But I still have to ask so what's your web you've been getting laid by girls at all? I got I got this one woman She's we went on a date to DeVita dialysis. We just... You guys got dialysis together? Yeah, she had dialysis.

Not me. I'm going to get dialysis in the future if you look at me. But no, we went to DeVita and then we went to... You say DeVita, like it's a fine Italian steakhouse. We went to DeVita. The restaurant know the dialysis clinic. It was crazy. You say divita, like it's a fine Italian steakhouse. We went to divita. Oh, the restaurant know the dialysis clinic. It was crazy.

Yeah, I had a great time. Tell us why you had a great time. What was so crazy about it? She just kind of told me about her dead parents the whole time. We just kind of chilled there. She's a romantic. Yeah.

I took some concerto before I went. It was great. I had what? It's basically like Adderall,, it was great. I had what? It's basically like Adderall, but it's different. What's the difference between that and Adderall? Health insurance. Yeah.

Now you hit the nail on the head. It is health insurance. Nice yes, Anne Tray. That was good. Yes. I feel like your sexuality is trained. It is true. That is funny.

I do love trains. You do? No shit brother. When I was a kid and I discovered poor and I saw there was a train category and I was like, dope. Thomas the tank engines fucking another female train but it wasn't. It was a boy train? Yeah, I think so. Thomas the train engine, fucking a female train. I've never heard of a female train before. I don't think there are any. Right, actually, I think there was one on stage right before you. Oh, come on.

Shut up. Shut up. Oh, my God. We came to Kyoto and need a girl. Oh, my God. Don't make fun of women, but keep calling this kid retarded. It's fine. Who cares?

It is. It is incredible. This look, it looks like you're down to clown and clown to downs at the same time. I am a recovering juggalo. So what does that mean to you? I used to be a juggalo but now I've kind of left that life behind. Right. Too much fego for you. As you can tell. Yes. You have a race car on your shirt in a Chevy hat. What car do you drive? I drive a Chevy cruise. It's also a house. Wow.

Oh yeah. In your names. Oh, that was Tony Cruz. Your tray Campbell. That's correct. I was gonna make a Cruz-Cruz connection there, but there wasn't. You look like a Japanese animator drew an American. Ha ha ha.

I would do like a Japanese accent, but I don't know if that's it. Let's hear it. Oh. Oh no, okay. Not this crowd, okay. Yeah. Wait, do some more.

I want to hear some more. Are you sure, Tony? Yeah. All right. I brought dishonor to my, this is stupid. Wow. I should not have done this. Has anyone ever told you that you look like a wizard,

but like a cheese wizard? Ha ha ha. Now this would be the first time. OK. I can't tell if you're real. Yeah. I can't either. Shit.

How long are you visiting Austin for? Probably I can come back anytime. There you go. I would love to have you back on the secret show whenever you can. Thank you. Thank you. There you go. Drake Campbell everybody. We're having fun here. Adorable. All right, your next bucket pool goes by the name of Jonathan it can be everybody Jonathan can no perhaps or

Canley Jonathan, here's Jonathan everybody So hello everybody Sorry I'm a little nervous everybody. Sorry I'm a little nervous. I was like around 12. I was trying to look up some stuff on the internet you're not supposed to, but I was trying to look up something more relatable to me. So like in the description it says like you know 18-year-old, 19 year old. But I'm like 12, so I tried to type in 12 year old girl. Nothing came up, but so I tried 13 year old. Nothing came up still. My final offer, I tried 11 year old. Nothing came up, but so I had to settle for adult tits. but looking back, that's actually a good thing that that wasn't there. And I didn't know, but I had to go for the dark web

for that. But I didn't know at that time. But anyway, did anybody see in the news recently, like a few, I was 12. I was 12. I was 12. I guess we'll do the meow. That's cool. OK, there you go.

Rolling with the meow. Is it Jonathan Candy? Kendo. Kendo. Kendo? Kendo. Well, you can't do comedy. It's adorable. How long have you been trying stand up for? Can't know. Can't know? Well, you can't do comedy. Ah. Ah. Sorry.

It's adorable. How long have you been trying stand up for? This is my first real set. Right. Right. OK. Oh. OK.

The premise is good. Yeah. Everything else was bad. See, it was a reverse from Tony Cruz. What else is in the news? That's what I'm wondering too, man. I can tell you real quick. I got it. No, please don't. You got what? The joke? What is it? Go ahead. Like a few months ago, there was a woman in the news that was,

she was arrested for trying to hire a hitman for her son. Yeah. But there was two problems with that. She went to rentahitman.com. Also, the second problem, the real problem, the son was only three years old. So... Oh, de-manness is leaving the show, forget it, it's incredible. No, that's what I do.

What, why didn't she just leave the sun in the hot car like an adult? Okay, so you're more like a shock and aph. What do you do for work? I'm a truck driver. No, you're not. You're a truck driver, a timid young truck driver. How old are you? 29.

Oh, OK. Man, a lot of a... All right. I'm glad we let him finish that joke. That was it. She should have... Don't, yeah. Who we...

She left it. She would have got away with it. Yeah, she definitely would have got away with it. She definitely would have got away with it, yes. I've heard a lot of like pedophile jokes and usually they're funny. It's really hard to biff a pedophile joke. It really is. It really is.

I don't feel like I was molested after that. So Jonathan, let's talk about your real life. What are you passionate about? I haven't seen you smile yet. You seem like a security Dipers full of piss and shit right now. Yeah, that's okay Two racing shirts in a row by the way very bizarre. I don't know what's going on here exactly Yeah, no shit asshole

That's fun when you say it. Oh, wait a second. Wait a second. Ladies and gentlemen, I recognize that boys. No way. Is that who I think it is? Wait a second. What the heck? Ladies and gentlemen, my big brother, one of the greatest comedians on Planet Earth. I do believe that is Ari Shapiro and Mark Norman.

It appears to be though we are under an invasion of swords. Home of sweet home. Hey, what's up? It's a typical Israeli just going over other people's property with some Palestinians being pushed out of the way. It's our issue here in Mark Norbert. But, yeah. It wasn't easy at a sneak in out of a Hamas bunker.

We got him here. This is an honor of the 25,000 Palestinians who are killed in Lebanon. Fuck yes. Harvard hates this guy. Genocide, it's okay. You interrupted this kid's panic attack. Oh shit. Oh, hell yeah.

Oh, this is cool. Oh, hell yeah. There we go. Oh, how? There we go. Oh, yeah. Let's fucking go. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, Merry Christmas to you. We just got demonetized. Oh, we got a blur for that. We got a blur for that. Oh, mazes.

Oh, yeah, circumcised. It would have done. I love it. Who knew he was circumcised? Amazing Circum size I love it who knew he was circumcised the serial number was on his dick Is that a define penis? Center you have a Yamaka the tip of your penis. That thing was incredible That's the Nor North you look terrible Tony who's this factor with the dream yeah, it's true man You missed a real flat line. This is his first time ever doing in being in front of a real audience You don't know you have any idea

Bad when Ari's genitalia gets a bitter reaction. Yeah, yeah Yeah, you ever seen an old guy's dick before I didn't look, I didn't. What? What? Ah! Oh! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!

This is Kiltoni. She's underwear.com! She's underwear.com! She's underwear.com! Oh yeah? She's underwear the absolute best. We all wear them 100% underwear. I'm just going to go to the show.

I'm going to go to the show. I'm going to go to the show. I'm going to go to the show. I'm going to go to the show. I'm going to go to the show. I'm going to go to the show. I'm going them 100 right under it. Use promo code Chubby. That was good. Whoa. She's underwear. Too bad D-Mahatton has missed that.

He could have heard that dick. Oh hey, is that the blind guy? Oh, we lost our second blind guy. There he goes. We're losing all the blinds out here. That's what we call them now. I love it. All right, this guy's first time on stage. What do you have any advice? Did you see the absolute shit show? Before you got up here, he was the only tiny dick on stage.

Yeah, true. How tall are you? 5'6", 5', 7 on a good day. Oh, good. Why do you think Hamas rapes were qualified? To the leaders or posties. Okay. Wait, what did you just say?

Did I? They can't man. I heard the N word there and I'm glad I. You heard what you wanted. I think I did all right, so John what's going on? What do we miss? We miss the committee how to go very bad, but he's a nice kid. It was his first time. What's your name?

Buddy, that's great first time's awesome Jonathan John nice. Johnny big family. fan of y'all. Appreciate y'all's time. Thank you. I loved you in the Lego movie. Thank you. You're welcome. In the Batman one. Okay. Jonathan, the craziest thing about your life, do you ever have any childhood trauma or save anybody's life? You have any special skills or talents. You've seen the show before correct. You're in the interview portion of a right now. What would you say if you could talk to yourself

after this session? Did you ever play an arcade game that turned you big? I love Mario, yeah, that's my first system, I'm 90s 64. No, my best thing about me, I think. I can get songs stuck in people's head. OK. All right.. Alright. Alright. Alright. Okay. jokes are forgettable but let's try it. Do it. Get a song stuck in our head.

Okay. My life's a stereo. Oh no. Is this from the movie radio? Oh no! Is this from the movie radio? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha who's ready to debut another minute. It's a three-per-calcy. Mixed annoyance for the light of the return of a legend. Martin Phillips, everybody. Martin Phillips is here. Ha-ba-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da- So, it went up cool, okay. It's not the joke. It's stop laughing. It's cold outside. I like the cold weather.

Because I like wearing my mom's fur and jacket. I also enjoy wearing her fur jacket because I pip on the side. I'm side on so it's 15 season on. But when I broke my birthday, my mom got me a card and she wrote a happy birthday and quotation marks. So I was like, is it my birthday, sir? So when I wrote her back, I wrote, I love you. I see you soon.

Yeah. I don't drink too much. I go out with blotters and whenever I leave, there's always a guy like, hey, you good to drive. And I'm like like I don't know And I And then I get it my car and I rub them over Wow golden ticket defender

Martin billets doing it in an extremely strong minute. An unbelievable performance. I've been backstage at the penis. I got a... Oh yeah. The penis out on the couch. Absolutely. You did miss something else that leans hard to the right, like you. I think you're as squiggles all around if I had to go. He's got that fucking, he's got that Michael J. Cox, you know what I'm saying?

I think it's fucking. Hell yeah, dude. I do, but notice in your set, I do believe you have the word pimping confused with limping This limping season for you Absolutely you have a natural pimple wall speaking of pimps. D madness is back Say pimple three times pimped juice comes out of you. Do you have CP? Most of you just I'm a child pornography You look like you have CP? Actually, I have a mouse field of surfing. I'm at child pornography. Oh, man. You look like you have a bunch.

Hey, hey, hey. Oh, man. Oh, man. Oh, man. Oh, man. Oh, man. Oh, man. Oh, man.

I think God got you, brother. Oh, man. Oh, man. You look like you fell down this stairway to heaven. Oh, no. I like the glasses at the stairway to heaven. I like the glasses at the last minute God was like, also bad eyesight.

We're all made in his image. God's always cold. I'm going to go out and ask him why I'm shaking. That's what I can say. I'm like, I'm cold. Sorry. And sometimes I was like, oh, take my jacket. And I'm like, oh, God, no. It's not working.

And I'm really cold. I'm a high-fifthirming. I don't think you should be having one-on-ones with children. Wait, wait, wait. Sorry. I'm a substitute teacher. I was trying to say that. What? You're a teacher? I'm not a real teacher. Oh, okay.

I'm a substitute teacher. That's got to be a lot of fun. It's fine. Yeah, is's chill. Yeah, every time. I don't know. No, it's going you a heck. Shake.

So Martin, what else has been going on? You've been here in Austin or you're just visiting? What's going on? I live here. I live here in South Austin. I've seen you before, right? You've done the Shaky Four. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We met before. Yeah. Yeah, we're close on, but, you know, it's cool. Where'd you grow up inside of a microwave? I want washing machines. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Look at this idiot. Oh. Oh. Yeah. Wait, we're making fun of this special needs guy.

Oh, yeah. What are you doing? All right, come on. I don't know. That's almost self-conscious. It's Martin's Make-Wish. This is like my eighth Make-Wish. Wow.

We're the first seven for stillness. Yeah. For a moment of calm. I think you age out and make a wish. Have you tried anything for that? Like, I've seen some videos where like they get people Well, you have things Sorry, yeah, you talk about make a wish cuz you have to be dying and not dying and can't you just say that you're dying It seems like if you came in you're like I'm dying. I believe you. I give you a fucking wish

You're like I'm dying. I believe you. I give you the fucking wish. I think you need like a doctor's note to be like, hey, he's gonna die. He's gotta make me make you even forty-dine. That's what, yeah. Have you ever tried anything though? Like ketamine or anything to eat on this day?

A weed? Oh, I've gotten weed before. Street crack. Have you ever tried to cheat? Oh, not street crack. Not any. Have you ever tried street crack? Oh, not street crack, not any hard drugs. Yeah, I bet the crack in the streets actually caused quite the problem for you. Yeah, I'll fit the head in with the homeless.

Have you tried duct tape? Just encasing your body in it? Cocoon man. Felt crows. He's there to get a break free from. How long have you been doing comedy? Well, I'll be out in a minute. Oh, shit.

I think I saw your special on Twitch. I hate you. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I hate you.

I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. or anything like that. I did. I mean, Kotley was out there, Claude baseball team. Okay. How about Hulu Hube? You seem like you'd be good at Hulu Hube. No, I can't do it.

You can't do it? Yeah, yeah, I swear to God. I don't know. How do you want to have some Hulu Hube here? No, we don't have one, Michael. I don't fit in them. So I've never tried Sam just calls that a belt You fuck hard. What's your story?

You have any special moves in the bedroom. They must love it when you're inside of that Yeah, you're human vibrator I've heard that before. Ah! Ah! Ah! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Yeah, hello. It's due by bang, you know. What is that thing? You know, the rug, the rug, bang. Oh, hey, I know, hey, you know. What are some of your favorite things to do the rug, the rug, the rug, the rug, the rug, the rug, the rug, the rug, the rug, the rug, the rug, the rug, the rug, the rug, the rug, the rug, the rug, the rug, the rug, the rug, the rug, the rug, the rug, the rug, the rug, the rug, the rug, the rug, the rug, the rug, the rug, the rug, the rug, the rug, the rug, the rug, the rug, the rug, the rug, the rug, the rug, the rug, the rug, the rug, the rug, the rug, the rug, the rug, the rug, the rug, the rug, the rug, the rug, the rug, the rug, the rug, the rug, the rug, the rug, the rug, the rug, the rug, the rug, the rug, the rug, the rug, the rug, the rug, the rug, the rug, the rug, the rug, the rug, the rug, the rug, the rug, the rug, the rug, the rug, the rug, rug, the rug, rug, the rug, the rug, the rug, rug, the rug, rug, the rug, rug, the rug, the rug, rug, the rug, rug, the rug, the rug, the rug, the rug, rug, the rug, rug, the rug, rug, the rug, rug, the rug, the rug, the rug, rug, the rug, rug, the rug, rug, the rug, rug, rug the, the rug, rug, the, rug, the, rug the, rug, the rug, rug the, rug, rug the, rug, rug, rug, the rug, rug, rug, the, rug, the rug, rug, rug the, rug, the, rug, the, rug, the, rug, the rug, rug, the, rug, the rug, rug, the, rug, rug, the your favorite is a position. Yeah. The position of present. I had this for it. I tell you, dude.

I don't know. Have you thought about having kids? I mean, I'm not really now. I've been out of here. Now, after a really long time, I'm at the moment. I feel like you could raise kids, but never above your own head.

Yeah. Yeah, I know. I am about. I know. I do have these, as an nephew, as well. I'll be honest. They're scared of you. I don't know.

I didn't hold them too much when they were babies, but now you can go them around, only at school. Yeah. Yeah, I'm about now. You know. I hold you, buddy. I'm about 32. Okay, cool.

What are you doing for a limit? To your trimmer. Oh, no, I'm sorry. You said that. Yeah, my bad, my bad, my bad. Wait, what is he doing? Sub-subs, do a good new t-shirt. Oh, Sub-subs, do a good new t-shirt.

I knew that. I knew that. Sorry. Mark, I sound like I look like. You can get out of my head. Yeah, yeah. All right. Martin, another unbelievable performance.

Great work, congratulations. Seven nights out. Martin another unbelievable performance. Congratulations. Set it up for the time of the show. Killer, funny. Mark Phillips. All right, back to the bucket we go, ladies and gentlemen, anything can happen. Make some noise. 60 seconds uninterrupted from Melissa Diaz.

Melissa Diaz. Who likes Mexicans? That was the best! Yeah! Who likes Mexican's? Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! So, it was my dad's birthday the other day,

and it's pretty hard to shop for dads. They always have everything they need. So, whenever his birthday comes around, I just give him flowers. People think it's weird, but, you know, what else am I supposed to put on his grave? Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! I were like, look, all right, he's dead, but at least now he's more emotionally available. So, that's pretty cool. You know, he used to run marathons when he was alive. Now he can't run away when I want to talk about my feelings. So it's pretty cool. We scattered his ashes off of Queen's Harbor in New York. Not by choice, that's just where the plane exploded.

But... This is beautiful ceremony. I was crazy, is that it did happen. It was a plane crash. It happened two months after 9-11. Isn't that crazy? As no one gave a shit, basically, a bunch of Dominicans just floated in Queens. You know what I mean? That's just... But it's

weird to be jealous of 9-11, okay? Every year I'm just bitching about it like some mistress bitching about her boyfriend's housewife, right? Like what does she have that I don't have an inside job? Bitch! Bitch. Wow, what a set. Holy shit. Melissa Diaz. Unbelievable. Good job. Good job.

Have you been on the show before? Yeah. Yes. Fuck yeah. Well, welcome back. First time at the mothership, though. This is great. What is the other one?

Absolutely. And a fantastic, fantastic set. Thank you. Good, confident, solid, good job. Thank you. Mexican. Right? Indeed.

The cover for our stage time. How long you been doing stand up? Eight years now at this point. Eight years, most of it in New York. And do you live here now? I do. I've been here for about two years. Love, shit. What do you love about Austin, Texas? Yeah, and it's a nice sky. Nice sky. Yeah, we do have a sky here. Yeah. It is wild. Do you miss the rats? Just the my uncles, but that's it.

Yeah, I love it. The Jews, you miss them? Oh, yes. No. You already asked her, that's a wrap. You actually missed the Jews. A lot. And your dad was really in that plane crash? Yeah, it was a flight 587. It was 2001.

It happened two months after 911. It was crazy. Yeah. Yeah. I remember that. I'm interested in a giant commercial plane crash. Is, yeah. Oh, you are. Yeah, very interesting. Yeah, that you are interested in that that's fucking weird. No Yeah, no, no, it's a big thing It's a big thing. I'm forgetting the name of the fucking actually like that you are an all but yeah, it's very very interesting

It's funny because in Europe I thought 9-11 was November 9th So that's all right thought it was about her. Oh, yeah. Reverse. Calendar joke. I guess that. Yes. Thank you.

It's an autistic guy in the back. That's life-iving. Someone else. Finally. He's just rocking, nodding. Did your dad call you from the phone on the plane? What's your role? He didn't call me when he was alive.

Why would you call me on the plane? That sucks when a shitty dad dies. It's really good for him. Now he was okay. He did the best he could. All right. Yeah. Yeah.

As a rapist fucking wife-eater. Yeah. He did pretty good. I was a piece of shit. I was a piece of shit teenager. So he was also on me. He did call me before. He got on flight. Really? Yeah, but I was too high. So I. So he's also on me. He did call me before. He got on flight.

Really? Oh, really? Yeah, but I was too high. So I said, can I call you back? Oh! Oh! He was high too for a second. Yeah, he was.

Ha! Ha! Ha! Then it all came crashing down. Oh! Hey! So wow. What does your mom do?

Was she in your life? Yes. She's in art therapist sort of, but she's not licensed as a teacher, so now she's just working with mentally challenged adults. Right. The last guy that was up here. Yeah. She keeps having the kids drop playing crashes.

Yeah. What was your dad doing? Did your mom almost go on that trip? Or was he traveling? No, they were divorced. This was crazy because he's Puerto Rican. He was on a flight to the Dominican Republic. But everything about his death was just very Dominican. Like once, you know, he died,

we found out he had a secret family in DR. You know what I mean? Oh, yeah. Yeah, sort of, he just got married and she had kids and it was just the whole thing we just didn't even know about. Can I say a question? So you're a comic out here now,

eight years, nine years, what did you say? I haven't been, you're eight years, nine, but yeah. Okay, where do you go up? What's your normal like spots here? How do you get up? Um, I just kind of do mics, a lot of mics. Okay. I'm very introverted, so I'm not good at the whole

networking thing. Yeah. So I just kind of get up. And then I've been getting booked lot of mics. I'm not I'm very introverted so I'm not good at the whole network-y thing Yeah, so I just kind of get up and then getting booked because of it. Yeah, do a lot of mics Mike who You know, it's kind of place you got married at skankfest this year Oh, I just got married downstairs in the little chapel. All our friends were there, so we figured- Where is your little chapel at Skinkfuss? On the first floor. On the first floor. On the first floor. On the first floor.

On the first floor. On the first floor. On the first floor. On the first floor. On the first floor. On the first floor. On the first floor. On the first floor.

On the first floor. On the first floor. On the first floor. On the first floor. On the first floor. On the first floor. On the first floor. On the first floor. On whole cake? Mm. Zach Amica. He did not make it down there, so no, no. Yeah, there were stairs involved.

Yeah. There were stairs, so he didn't go, so we got to eat our cake. The Big Facker. Yeah. He's fantastic, Seth. Thank you. Funny, funny, Seth. Yeah, that was great.

Absolutely. I would love to have you back on the Secret Show Thursday. I would love to. Thank you. Bo. Secret Show. You already have one of these? Yeah.

Yeah. Melissa Diaz. All right. Thank you. On to the next one. What a great set. How about one more time for Melissa Diaz, everybody? There you go.

All right. OK. We're keeping him flying through. Ladies and gentlemen, your next piveteer. All right. You're going to drink. All right, she's married. Mix them in a sphere next comedian Trenton Tibo, everybody Trenton Tibo. And Trenton Tibo.

Hell yeah! Well, my girlfriend broke up me recently and that sucks. It sucks because I have the same taste in women as black guys. So that kind of kills myself confidence. Because like, that's a last group of guys I really want to compete against. Like if it was just me and Asian dudes and to think over weight white women, that'd be a dream come true Listen, I have a type and it's a type 2 I'm a little bit about me

I'm a fat ugly straight I'm a fat, ugly, straight. So, basically, I'm 2 thirds of a trans woman. That's a good joke. I'm like a natural trans, though. Like, I was born with a dick, and then I grew tits. I'm a... Fuck yeah.

Trenton and Tifa. When a pull it out? Rock solid. Oh no! Boo! People booing Ari's pants going back on. A sad moment in history. If you're here, who's working at Bucky's? If you're here, who's killing all the nurses?

Yeah. I'm actually, I work at Popeyes as a diversity hire. What else? You really work at Popeyes? That's not bad. He's the only pink employee. What do you do for work? That's not bad. He's the only pink employee. Yeah. What do you do for work?

I actually do work at a restaurant, and then I also build handmade swim baits for a lure company. Swim baits? Yeah, dude. What does the swim bait? It looks like a fish. It's overpriced. They're like $1,500 to $400 for a fishing lure.

And it looks like they're swimming. It goes like that. Yeah, basically. Right. I know what I'm talking about. What do you do for the company? I'm it looks like they're swimming. It goes like that. Yeah, basically. Right, I know all about this. What do you do for the company? Because I'm a man. I build them. You build them.

Context clues. Yeah. OK, so you're like a real true country fucking pumpkin. Am I right? You would be exactly correct. It takes a real fucking middle of nowhere goots to make fishing lures. So I want to find out more about this treacherous lifestyle

of yours. Hold on, we have to let this man with full blown aides get to the restroom real quick. I'm going to see you talk. Best of my best. Get him as AZT. Yeah, it's bloody urine for sure coming. OK, I'll go ahead.

Tell us about your trash... trashy childhood. Um... it's a lot better than what you think you would be honestly by listening to me. Was your dad Theo Vaughn? No, Theo Vaughn's successful. He looks like Theo Vaughn Dutch. My mom's been a little time in Louisiana so he might be. Uh-huh. Where'd you grow up? We're up about three hours north of here. He's over worth. Okay. Yeah

Where are Wells, Texas? Oh, you ever heard of sulfur springs? There were cars is yes, I have It's a way they shot some of the movie radio So Trenton tell us more about you. What do you like to do for fun? What are some interesting things about Trenton? Um, I'm pretty boring. I like to fish a lot and that's about it.

Come on, you pet animals too hard. I really don't have much of life. I've been hitting the bars lately since my girlfriend left me. So how long for you with her for? I'm sorry. How long are you with her for? I was with her for like two and a half years. What happened there?

Yeah. I have no idea. She just decided to leave me on September 11. September 11. Yeah. Oh my goodness. Did she at least say alala alak, bar first? No, she didn't. Not a big history, but at least you'll never forget.

You will remember now. That's a good point, Sam. Don't play the Jewish music during that joke. We know who really did 9-11. Only we could have. Such a coordinated attack. Yeah, take some intelligence. All right, so she broke up with you on 9-11.

Where was this? Was this at your place? Was it at a restaurant? At first it on phone. Yeah, it was over the phone. Bitch. What am I saying? Really? I guess it was over the phone. Bitch. I know what I'm saying. Really?

I guess he was over speaker phones. He was over speaker phones on the bus. Sorry. Two and a half years. Two and a half years over the phone. What did she say to you when she broke up with you? Just tell us what she actually is. I'm tired of your hell raising, Trenton.

Yeah. You spend so much time with that catfish pit, you come home with all types of dog food between your fingers. Yeah. Then you want to put it in my hole? No dog food between your fingers. Yeah. Then you want to put it in my hole? No more of that, brother. Yeah. I don't want any kibbles in my bits.

Yeah. I'm going to Jackson. Basically, I told her we weren't going to get married, so she said, I can't do this anymore. I told her you're not going to get married. Yeah, that's exactly right. That's crazy. She was hoping. Damn. That's the married she was hoping. Damn. That's the marry you.

So is it weird not talking to your sister again? Yeah. Ha, ha, ha. Oh. So why didn't you want to get married? Uh, former relationship really ruined that for me. So, uh, tell us what, what happened there? I was just with another chick for like five years

and real pressured into getting married and I just fell out of love with her and so. And it ended up, every relationship ends up going bad for you because they want to marry you. Yeah, basically, that's kind of how it goes. Wow. We're cash, buddy. That's flattering.

What do you have like a forked cock or something? Dweb. It's not impressive at all. What do you think about of that, buddy? So now you're single. You think you're gonna be able to lure in someone else? Or you gonna be a master baiter forever. Fish bait jokes, folks. They won't be floating around all night.

I was actually about to link up with like a 55-year-old cougar the other day. She was fishing too. Yeah, that happened. And then I missed the hint and didn't follow her back to her hotel room. What was the hint? You want to go fuck kid? Yeah. I got metapos in about 20 minutes.

She was basically like, oh, I'm tiredaposied about 20 minutes. She was basically like, oh, I'm tired after she was done playing with my hair and all that. Playing with your hair. She's like, your face is the same color as my pussy. But, and then like three days later, I was hanging out at the same bar and I went home with some gal and it turned out to be her niece. Wow. Oh, yeah.

So then you're just hard as a rock. Then what happened? You banged the niece? Yeah, I slept with the niece. So now the aunts out of the picture. That's fine for the aunts. That's how it goes. How old's the niece?

17. 27. OK. You fought with condoms and no condoms? Condoms now. Sensor. You fuck with condoms and no condoms. All right, condoms now. Senta. What kind of condoms? Do they have a special kind for Billy Goats?

Just what? Oh, since I'm just trying to fuck around now. What happened before? I was in long-term relationships, so I figured it'd be a blast. Sorry. You blast. Yeah.

Yeah. Fuck yeah, dude. Oh yeah. I was supposed to open up for a cam and Fort Worth and I got hit by a simile I'm away there. You got hit by a simile? Were you in your car? I was in a truck, yeah. Oh my goodness. Really?

Yes. What happened? I was sitting in traffic on I-20 and we stopped and this semi didn't and it turned into a six car pile-up. What? And I got I was on my way actually to Hyena's to get... The Tracy Morgan Rust you and you fucking... Yeah, did you get paid? Did you get the lawsuit? We're working on it. Hell yeah.

Nice. Yeah. I'm guessing you don't have the best lawyers. Yeah. Well, your honor, I stopped and they didn't. I risked my case. I think the jiksh. That doesn't go here.

You're the truck driver who was Ukrainian. Oh, so they definitely want you to pay for it. So now I'm... Ah! Yeah. Yeah, they were probably Russian to get wherever they were going. I was on the fence before, but now I'm for sure pro-Russian. It must have been a sturdy fence. You're one to talk. I do like I look like you

from the future here to warn you. Make good decisions, all right? Working on it. Al yeah. I love it. Trenton a very very fun performance. Congratulations. John Tresot. John Tresot. John Tresot. John Tresot. John Tresot. John Tresot.

John Tresot. John Tresot. John Tresot. John Tresot. John Tresot. John Tresot. John Tresot. John Tresot.

John Tresot. John Tresot. John Tresot. John Tresot. John Tresot. John Tresot. John Tresot. John Tresot. John Tresot. John Tresot. John Tresot. John Tresot. John Tresot. John Tresot. John Tresot. John Tresot. John Tresot. John Tresot. John Tresot. John Tresot. John Tresot. John Tresot. John Tresot. John Tresot. John Tresot. John Tresot. John Tresot. John Tresot. John Tresot. John Tresot. John Tresot. John Tresot. John Tresot. John Tresot. John Tresot. John Tresot. John Tresot. John Tresot. John Tresot. powerful camp patterns and everybody. I hit that guy in the semi truck. I didn't want to open for me. I did that nigga.

Oh, I went surfing for the first time last week. I didn't like it. My nigga that would teach me how to surf. He would gain, that was weird. If I was saying, it's not because he would gain. We would just all out in the ocean, but I said he could have raped me or something. I don't know.

I don't swim good. So it was a bad time. I wouldn't tell you this. All I saw was like a sunset. We just saw like a beautiful sunset, and it looked so dope, and that he looked at me. And though we did not kiss, white man, he just looked at me and he was like,

yo, that's so beautiful. And I was like, bro, it is beautiful. It's beautiful as fuck. And then it was dope. It was a good thing to see. I was like, man, she did it dope, bro. He says, it kind of looked like heaven, right? And I said, yeah.

And then he went, if heaven was real, wait a minute. I don't be waiting a minute of Ocemona fucking atheist did care what the fuck. He don't believe in miracles, that's crazy, bro, that's insane. That's why I was fucked. Yeah, that's my minute, look. Oh, yeah, there you go.

Cam, I'm a potter, son. Yeah, yeah. You really can't swim good? I swim my eye, but it's not the best. I'm not one of the best swimmers of all time. That means he's the best black swimmer of all time. Yeah. Because your pockets are full of rocks.

Yeah, I found another grave of this one. That's the issue, man. I found a rock somewhere out there in the pocket. That should be fun. The serving was cool. I liked it. Where'd you go surfing? I went in the Malibu.

Oh, nice. Yeah, that should be cool. Yeah, that should be cool there. OK. I stood up the Malibu. Oh nice. Yeah, that's your go, yeah, that's your cool air. Okay. I stood up. You stood up? I got a good turn. It's fun, huh?

Wow. Yeah, yeah. That's incredible. And how long were you up there? I was in the blood for like three, four seconds, you know what I'm saying? Yeah, we're real life forever though. What were you doing in Malibu? Were you taking a break from looting?

Sure, sure. Malibu is an odd place. Now we're stoking out some spots. Yeah, that. I wanted to rob, but everything's burned down. It sucked. Wait, they burned down? Malibu, that shit burned out?

Yeah, a lot of it. Damn. Really? Oh, no, I'll take a Maui. I'm sorry. Oh, yeah. Big difference. I'm wrong.

That shit looked beautiful, and I would do that. I'm wrong. Look at that, it's crazy. That's a big difference. I'm wrong. I was like, that shit look beautiful, and I would do it. I'm wrong. Look at that, it's crazy. I already had a sundown, her syndrome. It's not. Sundown, her syndrome. I was just happy I'm about half the E. Puzzle dick out.

That was cool. I know. Like, I was back still like, thank God I ain't got to see that shit. I got a lady friend here, she's seeing your whole dick, man. Damn. I was actually like, I'm sorry, I usually just shit all half all the time, I apologize. I kept this off to make you look good. It's mostly balls, it's really mostly balls.

It's a lot of balls. It's like a... Mostly balls. Got you new marbles? Wait, wait, wait, you... Hey, marbles, what do we need marbles? You know, you reparing new marbles? I like marbles.

Yeah, I love marbles. Marbles are cool. You ever seen Mar. Marbles are cool. Yeah, buddy. You ever seen Marble Racer? Yeah. Yeah, shit. You ever seen Marble Racer? Uh-uh. Oh, yeah.

Marble Racer, dude. Yeah. I thought you were talking about like a cousin or something. Marble Racer. What else is going on, Cam? What else is going on in life? You surfed? Yeah.

What else did you do in LA? Anything crazy? Almost. What else did you do in LA? Anything crazy? Almost, oh! He thought of something. Oh, shit. Bro, me and laser was supposed to fuck some porn stars. Uh-huh. Sounds like a...

Yeah, crazy, right? So listen, porn stars come to the show. I'm thinking, also done deal. They want to fuck one of the bitches on her titties the laser at the bar, I'm thinking, also done deal, they want to fuck. One of the bitches saw her, Tess the laser at the bar, this was insane, right? So we get back to the BNB and the bitches drive past me. So I'm an optimistic young man,

I go, what they think, do they think I'm gonna park? And he was like, nah, I was like, what you mean nah, what happened? There was four bitches in the car, porn stars, and Uncle Lazy, I said, what happened? And was four bitches in the car, porn stars, and Uncle Lazy, as I said, what happened? And he said, the main porn star bitch got testimony from her dad, and her dad said, he was from the kill herself.

They hit from the kill himself. And her whole demeanor change, she ain't wanna fuck no more. I want y'all to know something. I hope that nigga is dead. I hope he did it, dawg. There you go. I hope he did it, dog. There you go. I hope he fucking did it.

Your daughter is a poor star foot. You lost already, dog. It's over. She was like, I'm gonna go fuck a black guy. He's like, that's it. I was born, I was okay with it. This is where I draw the line. And it's interesting. Things are really out of order here.

Normally, the dad kills himself, and then they become a porn star. Oh, yeah. It's like a chicken or the egg or something like that. He waited. Like, he would like, damn, I could save for it. And then she would like, she for the fuck laser or something. Yeah, no.

No, no. You want the road major laser? Huh? You want the road major laser? Yeah. Uncle laser. Oh, the laser. Sorry.

I'll major laser. Big different laser. Big different laser. Who is that? Techno. Techno-new. Uncle laser Techno no no Major like a like he's just rock. Yeah, yeah, yeah, well, yeah, that's cool. Yeah, yeah wild Have you ever been with a porn star before? Come on James Dean with a camera But I would like to be But I would like to be yeah

I'm a handsome young black man with a medium sized dick come fuck with it. There you go. Oh, yeah Johnny Who's your favorite pornography star right? Oh my favorite porn star who? Jeremy Who the fuck is that? Damn is some guy in jail. He's one of the greats. He's just here. He was like our Cosby. Yeah. He's raping bitches.

Oh yeah. I think that's great. Why are we tapping up to this? That's insane. You have to do it back though. I don't want to do this one. Not this one. Yeah, solving racism with rape.

And that's crazy. Rapism. Oh no, I like, I like, Pinky, did she got fat, Pinky was cool, then she got fat in here. Pinky? Yeah, she, you know Pinky. You know my research? You know Pinky?

This guy, no Pinky, hell yeah, by no Pinky, look, he get it.. Look at it She a big bitch not a little bit when she would I'm not a little bit bitches That's my fucking problem. I love all types of women. I love all women all women adult Oh, yeah, we can confirm Pinkie got a little fact. He can got biggest fuck. Oh Big is fuck. Oh, wow. Red man always brings such a point thing right there. Holy shit. Yeah. Wow.

See, look at this. Red man already had that pulled up. That was weird. Yeah. It's a wild sense of some pays by the whole world. Wow, see you. XXX.com. Is that an African-American lady?

Yes. Oh. What are the sunglasses fucking the DMATs? They make everything white. It's better. It's called gentrifiers. Damn. Thank you, God. That's rough. Wow, that's awesome.

There you go, Roof. She looks like David Lucas. I don't know. That's a bad idea. Cam, you did it again. Another amazing performance. So much fun. There goes the great camp patterns Go see cam live is very funny. He really is check the dates

We're about to be in Florida this weekend. Fuck yeah, damn quarter one more time for Cam Patterson everybody All right back to the fuck we go 60 seconds seconds goes to Nick Mu or mummy or mama, Nick Mama, M-U-M-M-E Hey, mama! What the fuck is going on? Show's were so much fun when I was growing up, you know? Like, I remember there was a show called A Pint My Ride we're like they would get a mom with three kids we're like oh she I was a crippling mortgage you know we're just her car the guy would walk I'm like and we heard you didn't have any money that sucks anyway we turned the

back your car into a hot tub Also, they turned their windshield into a flat screen TV. Don't ask me why. Yeah. The girl I'm seeing has like really high standards, but I really low standards. So when we do stuff in the bedroom, the bag goes on my head. Um, yeah, that's all I'm gonna do. Nice, powerful. 53 seconds. From Nick, is it Mom Mule?

Oh, Mommy. Mommy's got Muppet mouth. Oh, yeah. You're very nervous. Hey, what? You're very nervous. Uh, kind of. Yeah. I kind of get a lot. Nick, welcome. How long you been on standup comedy for? Uh, one that says right around three years, three years, and what do you do for, uh, work

other than put body parts into your refrigerator? And fuck Miss Piggy. Oh, why? Mostly just work with dogs. Yeah, yeah. What do you do with dogs? You work with black guys. It does pretty much just like watch them. Wait, what? Nothing, keep going. Wait, what is exactly what I thought Nick?

Keep going, what do you do with dogs exactly? Oh, just watch them. It's like a game. Wait, what is exactly what I thought Nick? What do you do with dogs exactly? Oh, just watch them. It's like a daker. Watch them work over the parts. Like he'd better off of what? You make them fight. No, it's kind of like a daker thing

where they just like fuck around and I just sit there and watch them pretty much. So people, you knock on their door and then they answer the door and then you go, hello, I'm here to watch your dogs. I wish I was that easy, you know, they come to us and they just drop them off and we just, right, yeah. Dude, why do you sound that way?

Did you go deaf this morning? Yeah. Wait, what? Your voice is ridiculous. Your voice is ridiculous. Your voice sounds like AI generated. I'm a human being. Maybe.

Great question. What is that accent? Where are you from? What did you witness as a child? I'm from here. You're from Austin, Texas? I mean, not from Texas. I'm a doctor, but from Texas.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. And why do you think you don't notice that you have a little bit of a twang, if you will? I mean, I don't pay attention to it honestly. What? Like, I don't pay attention to it. You don't pay attention to your own voice.

Uh, no. Would you, if you sounded that way? So interesting. Nobody's ever mentioned this deal do you sound kind of I don't know what that is but I love it for this To be quite honest I've never thought of it before in my life. Funny you should ask I'm from here. I love that song. I'd say of all that people I've met in my life, your Adam's apple is Top 7.

Okay. You got a whole orchard in your throat. That is true Now I see it the Adam's apple is aggressive pronounced it to your dad sound like you No, not at all. So the Adam's apple falls far from the tree on this one very far What is your mom sound like from the tree on this one. Very far. So I'm sorry, I never saw that launcher. I'm sorry. What does your mom sound like? You have been frozen in carbonite.

I'm so... Soot. Ha ha ha ha. It's like RFK Junior. See me, effects will wear off. Don't make me. You're temporarily blind. Don't make them a mistake, I'm age.

Ha ha ha. Nice to hear the rest of smoke, okay? Ha ha ha. You're temporarily blind. Don't make them a famous thing on a page. Notice the end of the wrist, that's smoking. All right, in feed. How close can you get to kids? All right, here's what we're going to do. We're going to show you pictures of children on Red Band's iPad. And Ari is going to continue to tap your penis and we're going to try to get you from one to ten on a firmness.

What's time Belle do is don't do, don't do evil kids Red Band. Don't do it. Yeah, don't go pinky and then hot kids. You can't go pink and hot kids. It's okay. Everybody signs a special piece of paper. We can technically molest people up here. I can't get hard anyway.

Oh man! This guy's gonna choke the shit out of a puppy. What do you do to let some anger out when you have to kill some energy? What do you do? What are some guilty pleasures of your self? You ever killed a foreigner? I mostly play games jack golf, watch movies. Yeah, what do you jack off to exactly? Mostly just big pit porn.

No harm to foul on that. Yeah. Victor must crime. You have a girlfriend? No. Do you have a victim? Who did that? It's like you.

All right, there's someone who's talking to you hope to make a girlfriend. I'm gonna keep asking questions and I'm gonna have Sam answer for you. It's a lot more interesting. Have you had a girlfriend before? I wouldn't call it a girlfriend. No.

No. No. No. No. Well, I mean, if you wouldn't call it a girlfriend. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha I had my hand inside of her though. Dark cuck's. Amazing. Why does he make you sound like an henchman for the venture brothers? I thought he was doing pretty good on that.

Wait, who said that? Me or you? That is a spot on impression of Sam Talon's impression of you. Wait, who said that? Me or you? That is a spot on impression of Sam Talon's impression of you. What's your goal? What do you want to do in life? I want to make a mask of a human face. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God.

How'd you lose your virginity? She wasn't awake, but I was more awake than I've ever been. I didn't know I could be that awake. Oh, thank you. God, that is incredible. How do you feel about Jews? I think that it's an active genocide. He said that, not me.

Absolutely amazing, Nick Mami. What an interesting force you are. Other than stand-up comedies, is there anything you could ever picture yourself doing? You seem like you're, you know, like a hellbent on this. Probably working in movies doing something. What kind of job in movies could you possibly do? Well, it's take Austin.

of job in movies could you possibly be up it's take Austin We just got to get into mothership and that's gravy after that I Want to be the first felt guest on Joe Rogan Shit all right. Oh God. I could keep you up here and have Sam answer for you forever. But I guess I have to keep it moving. Yeah, you want to say something to the world? Yeah, come on, a final message. It could be anything in the world. Fuck you.

Oh, come on. Oh. Oh. Oh, yeah. All right. Nick, here's a big joke book. Oh Nick here's a big joke book Congratulations my friend Oh, yeah, he's gonna go practice blinking in the back

I bet I got rules of thunder sticks All right, pulled another name out of the bucket. Mix of noise. 60 seconds for Caleb Silver's, everybody. Caleb Silver has anything to do with him. And here we go. It might be Joyce. So I don't know if you guys can tell by looking at me, but I don't get laid very often, you know.

Kind of sucks. Hashtag me too. Shit. I'm like, Hashtag, you know? Kind of sucks. Hashtag me too. Shit. More like hashtag, what about me? Jesus Christ. I wake up every morning, prayin' to days of the day. Somebody at work finally slaps me on the ass. But not once.

Not once. I am gay, so you don't have to worry about me getting all pissed off about nobody wanting to fuck me, you know? The difference is, straight guys who can't get laid look in the mirror and say, I don't know about nobody wanted to fuck me, you know. The difference is, straight guys who can't get laid looking at me and say, I don't know why nobody wants to fuck me. And then they shoot up a food court. Gay guys, on the other hand, look at the mirror and say,

yeah, I wouldn't fuck you either. You're disgusting. Your breast stinks, your personality sucks, and your mother is like, can't. And then we just spin the rest of the knot, crown alone in the shower. Is that 66? I can't. And then we just spin the rest of the knot, crown alone in the shower. There's that 60 seconds. Jesus Christ.

No. No. Oh, God. It's 51 seconds. 51 seconds. I figured I'd let you. My favorite part of that was the few of you that pretended to relate to gay culture.

The chuckle that is fucking think about the showers. I loved you in making a murder. It was, uh, it was fantastic. That was my best part. Hell yeah. Like your gay? Yeah. Oh no. Yeah. Yeah. You don't seem gay at all. You don't seem gay. You want a beer? Sure. Thank you. You don't seem gay. You must be the fucker. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait you must be the fucker. Wait, generally, always top, never bought this one. You might want this one. Fuck yeah, Sam Talon's new special, the Toads Moral December 26th.

Watch my special, it comes out tomorrow. It's on Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast YouTube channel. Make sure you watch. So, how old were you when you realized you were gay? It seems like an hour ago or something. Always, yeah, how old? Really? Yeah, that came out really young.

You heat sound kind of sounds mupity as well. Am I crazy? No, it sounds exactly the same. Yeah, just nerves, I guess. Yeah, I guess. Is there some sort of gay welcome in committee that tells you not to talk like that? Uh, no.

No. No, I was so wrong. Yeah, it's interesting. Two Muppets in a row, and you're the one that actually likes a hand up your ass. No. That's right. Thank you, band.

I didn't know you guys had that locked and loaded. Do you get, so can I ask you a question? Please. Is it, are you only, do you only give the penis or do you receive it? Did you not hear my bed? I never get laid fucking But if you did in a perfect world. Yeah in a perfect world. Yeah, I'm more of a top. Yeah nice really Why is it scary for you? For the reason that it's scary for everybody probably Probably, yeah. Well tonight we all got fucked in the box. I love the balls too. Like really go all the way. It's Hanukkah,

you're a top. Ari, spin him. Gator. Yeah. Put the men in menorah. Alright, so what's the gayest thing you've ever done? Oh, they have sex with a man. But I mean like, I don't know. He this is the side of dude. Yeah, I just like a girl one time for Halloween. Okay. Are you Amy Schumer? No, no, I wish. Yeah. No, I tripped down the stairs and broke my leg in my heels. So it was a fire. I thought I never do that shit again, that turned me straighter. Right, right, yeah, women's bones break easily, you're really committed to a character there.

I would say. Have you ever been with a woman? No. No? Really? You should try it, it's been fucking cool. You may have a pussy, there's no shit in there. Yeah.

What, what? Yeah, it's a self-loot-bricating hole. Yeah, I get it. It's more of the guy attached to it. I would fucking do it with a vagina before I would fucking girl with a dick. Does that make sense? So you're a hero? Yeah.

That's a lie. So it's really not about the genitalia. No, no. But it's really about like the genitalia. No, no, no. It's really about like, man-face is what you're into. Is there a specific type? You like manly men?

I like them all. Can I have some questions? I like twinks, I like everyone. Can I have some questions? Yeah. Rank them. Mark. Mark obviously.

Obviously. Okay, obviously. Okay, very refreshing. Obviously. Mark's obviously not. Okay, now the real test. Tony's second but thank you. Thank you. I'm in a different one I'm in the cuz you ran into him in a bar recently. No, okay, maybe Go ahead. We ranked the rest of us too. Oh

Yeah, you red man. No, not on my worst day probably Wow, not on your worst day this guy was our last is red band last Wow I'm not bad first. Oh, you have it all out of like a trans woman That's true if you had a pussy you'd be first all right That's true. If you had a pussy, you would be first. All right. Yay. Does that make sense?

Like an actual pussy or a fake, like, man pussy. Not like a actual, like, border chick turned into a dude. You know, that's hot. Wait a minute. Hold on. They're not understanding what pussy. Yeah. Yeah, the demon is with a fast-out of hatred right now.

Super straight. Famously homophobic. That demon is about to pass out on hatred right now. Super sweet. Famously homophobic, de-madness. Just yell, stars out in the middle of all this. Just because I'm blind, doesn't mean I can throw up off an image. Got a little too real for D. That don't let the rainbow sunglasses fool you.

He is homophobic. I've been to a glory hole What you ever done a glory hole? No, he's trying it. Do you know of one? Oh, for sure. I would come to the back of the address I'll try anything what about rest of is that real? I don't know. What about adult bookstores? Don't know. What about churches? I'm the worst guy guy ever. Okay fuck. I literally if you ever hope that many wear other than a bedroom with a man Yeah, where in a hammock Good cuz he misses ass there's a bunch of holes It's not sound going on. That's good

Interesting how do you end up having sex in a hammock? Fucking I live in a hammock I live in a hammock. You live in a hammock? What? Yeah. What should lead with that? I should have. Yeah. That's kind of boring. But now's relaxing. What do you think? Where do you live in a hammock? Uh, into rainy streets. I probably shouldn't tell that.

Yeah, I've been there a while. Yeah. Wait, wait, wait, wait, where on rainy street? That's just... Stop it. Well, I can't stay there now. Would you want him to describe the tree, are you? Yeah, there, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, a serial killer murdering young men down the street. I was hoping he would kill me for a while. That was sort of the point. But he's like, the... I was like, I'll have to have a hangout down there. Take my chances, you know.

All right. Whatever. Well, you've been on the show before, right? No. No. No. Interesting. Okay.

Well... It's pretty good in the post. What? It's pretty good after the stand-up. Okay. Yeah, the stand-up. Are you think so? Then here's a big joke book? There you go he could catch it as well as monkey pox at any given moment All right, we're just flying through it tonight pulled another name out of the bucket makes some ways for Trevor Misha Everybody Trevor Misha

Trevor Misha Hello everybody. How are we doing tonight? I'm gonna go time Misha. Hello everybody, how are we doing tonight? Having a good time? It's real quick. I want to jump right into it. I'm raised by a single mother. Anybody else? Well, both is better, relax.

Having both parents is better. I wonder if anybody can just tell that I'm raised by a single mom. I sit when I pee probably more than I should. In my car, definitely hits curves on the daily. My rims look like granite at this point. I also love gossip. I don't know about you guys.

When it's time to watch the football game and my friend's house, I find myself in the kitchen with the ladies. Also wondering why Heather got so fat. I'm not allowed in the garage anymore. A friend asked me for a 5-8th wrench and I came out with 13 pieces of metal. I'm like, is this one of them? I'm not really a man actually. And I'm not allowed in the garage anymore, which is fine. They called a man cave in the Midwest. Yeah, that's ridiculous.

Your wife gave you the shittiest piece of land in your property. It said, go in there. You wife gave you the shittiest piece of land in your property. It's had to go in there. You need heat to even exist there. Hey, God. You'll never find me hanging out in a garage, unless if I'm hanging out in a garage. Thanks so much. I'm Trevor Mischo.

All right. I can see why your dad left. Yeah. Thank God. There you go. Trevor Mischo. That was tough because he doesn't look like a mutant like the rest of the people who bombed. Yeah.

I dress too nice to do so bad. I'm sorry. Well. What? Well, don't stop. I dress too nice to dress. You're so bad, fine. You're unlikable.

Trevor, how old are you? 26. What do you do for a living? Working warehouses. How long have you been doing stand up? Like two and a half years? Where at? In Phoenix I started. Where?

In like, you know, what places? Phoenix like the clubs. Yeah. Devils advocate that outside barcars from Tempe. Okay, I'll go. I'll go. I would get up every once in a while at the House of Comedy on the triple Threat shows that was cool, I guess. Nice. I'll go. I'll go. I'll go. I'll go. I'll go. I'll go. I'll go.

I'll go. I'll go. I'll go. I'll go. I'll go. I'll go. I'll go. I'll go.

I'll go. I'll go. I'll go. I'll go. I'll go. I'll go. I'll go. I'll go.

I'll go. I'll go. I'll go. I'll go. I'll go. I'll go. I'll go. If you don't do this. Do you think in the two and a half years that you've been doing it, would you say that that minute is your best minute, or are you trying like a new minute, or something like that? Oh man, I don't know. Do you want me to try another one? Why don't you just do your best joke?

Your best is best shorts. Okay, okay, okay, okay. Take a breath though. Two and a half years in the game, your absolute best joke. Or you can do one of marks too. Oh no, don't do mine. All right, you guys big Googlers?

Yeah, you, Google. Oh, I love Google. Google, yeah. You do, Google, you do, Google. Yeah. He likes Netanyahu. All right, instead of asking the Google thing, just go into your bet.

Right, so I was on the internet finding cool things because this is a great setup and I came across the term heteropaternal super fee condition. Does anyone know what that is? A lot of questions. Keep saying it. I'll say it once again, heteropaternal super fee condition. This is the miracle, which when a woman has sex with more than one man in a short enough period of time, she can become pregnant with twins followed by both the men. And my question is, why such the long name

would you could call her a whore? Oh, it's the noise that the audience made. Don't know if that was audible to the podcast listeners. It was a hard aw. All right, so. You can get like a fucking degree in web design in like 18 months.

You said single mom, is that true? Yeah, yeah. Your dad's nowhere in the picture. He is later eventually. He rich? God no. No, is your mom rich? No, really.

I know, I like his sister. My girlfriend. I got a new girlfriend and she got me clothes. I love how cool you think. You keep referencing these clothes. I love how cool you think you look. It's pretty amazing. You're just like a foster kid on his birthday. Yeah.

It is not that cool. You look like a casting director. It was like, guy trying to that cool. Shulohaikastin's reaction was like, Guy trying to be cool. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So what is the coolest thing about you Trevor? I'm from Wisconsin.

Oh, okay. Again. What's the... Where are Wisconsin? We're seeing Wisconsin. Oh, what's the, what's the least cool thing about you, Trapper? This right now for sure. What else? Well, in maybe two weeks from now. Could you recognize you, Bob?

Yeah, from OK, cool. That guy helped. That's nice. It's crazy. I did like jumping jacks back there. It was the dumbest thing in the world to do. Self confidence is not real. It's crazy. I did like jumping jacks back there. It was the dumbest thing in the world to do Self-confidence is not real

With you. Yeah, right When do you feel confident? Within the realm of Wisconsin normally. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you're like one of the kings of Wisconsin if I'm around a lot of cows I'd do okay. Yeah, I feel about your girlfriend, and I feel about your girlfriend. Okay. Anything else interesting about you or your life at all before you? Literally anything worthwhile to listen to.

Come on, bud. Anything at all? Anything at all? Typical? No, sir. I thought you meant tip-ups. I thought you were a big ice fishing fan. That was my mistake.

Let's move back to the much broader question. Yeah. Before I throw this little joke book at you, anything interesting about your life at all? Uh, I went to Mark Ruffalo's, uh, Grandma's funeral and he didn't go. There you go, my friend. Congratulations. There you go, everybody.

Trevor Misha. Wow. Looks like the hanging himself might come to a full prophecy here. Be careful what you manifest, ladies and gentlemen. Don't write things down if you don't want them to happen. okay i'm gonna do something kind of fun right now i was upstairs before the show sam said that he noticed a funny comedian was here adam the talent coordinator here at the same time walked by and said that i just

saw a great guy uh... it's a hot tip because i busted his balls about, uh, who was it? Was it he, third fucking, someone like that recently? And I said they never tell me when anybody's good. I always send everybody to them. So this is the first time that, uh, I'm going to get to see somebody that my friends have told me is funny. And he's from Estonia and is an in town for long, so I've never literally seen him before,

but funny people have told me he's funny. We're gonna give him a shot. Make some noise for Ari Matty, everybody. Here we go. Ari Matty, making his kill Tony De Bu. Yes, hello America. Number one, still. As the lovely Tony said, I am from Estonia. People always ask you stupid questions when you're from Estonia. The one I get the most is is it part of Russia? And now for the past year I've had to be like, we'll see.

Who sighed am I on? The winners. I mean if Russia does decide to attack us next, I hope it's in the next two weeks because I am here. Estonia, I've never heard of it. Go Cowboys! I've been trying to get some pussy. It's very difficult.

Because I'm gay. No. It's very difficult when you're an Eastern European, you know, because I don't have that confidence, you know, because I don't have that confidence, you know, that personality. Every time I go into bar, oh man, especially here, I've been here for three days, fucking impossible. Every dude here has a thing they have a hat. I went to bars here, I'm just in the corner with my creepiest in European energy. I come up to you, I sound like an empire. I'm interested in pussy.

Thank you, America. Still number one. Yeah, all right, Mattie. Amazing. We like you go there because it was so fun. Finally a funny Ari on this show. Oh, fuck the... How dare you!

The Wisconsin guy just killed himself. Young himself with string cheese. Great work, Ari. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. bit of comedy. What's that? Every time in Edinburgh, they're like, every way there's a gig in a stony, you should go check it out. There are gigs in a

stony. You should. Better than people know. Yeah, yeah. There were very funny Sam you did. I did a man who was great. Yeah. You should go. Yeah, I'd like to. I think Ari wants to share a hot bed with you. You know what I'm saying? Anything for all these, huh? My friend. I don't give a fuck about, what, I don't like it, what fuck about is what passport you have. I'm with you, buddy. Patis breaks the tax break. Gaze straight, I don't give a fuck. Oh yeah.

I'm okay. Thank you very much. More of a vodka man, myself. Are you are absolutely hilarious. Thank you. Tell us about your life. Like, how do you end up like this? What do you mean, like this? You mean so handsome?

Well, you see Estonia was raped by many nations. That's what happens. I mean, if you look at the UK, not so good. Baby blue eyes, the Vikings. Um. Hehehe. Hehehe. Die.

Hehehe. Hehehe. He doesn't need help. It's great. It is amazing. It is incredible what can happen if someone is funny on the show. It's like a whole different show. It's like fucking all the way through comedy show.

As it is show in Estonia, and they were buying me shots of vodka on stage, and they were from like regional different drinks from the region, and the third shot was a shot of Ukrainian vodka, and I shot it, and then I said, wow, you can really taste the cowardice. Oh, yeah. And then this guy in the front row was like,

what do you mean? What do you mean you crane is not coward? And then I had to do like 30 more minutes. Yeah, that was tough. The Ukrainian vodka. Incredible, amazing. So what is, thank you Tony, yeah. The Ukrainian vodka. Incredible. Amazing. So what is...

Thank you, Tony. Yeah, it's a very... It's a very famous one. It's amazing, a little something, but... Amazing. So let me ask you, what is different from Estonian comedians to American comedians? How is the culture different there?

Bilingual, you know. Multiple languages, we travel, you know. We know stuff. Intellectual people. Super. Yeah. Everybody in Estonia? No. Me and three other guys. Number one, comedian in Estonia, out of four. Yeah. What is Estonia known for? What's it like famous for? Skype. Ah.

Yes. Use that little app. Yeah, we haven't yet. Before. Not that much anymore. It was like for a while until face time happened. No. Zoom took our shit.

Yeah. Where's Zoom from? China. Yeah. Yes. Sounds good. Here's a question? Gaina. Yeah. Sounds good. Hey, here's a question by Estonian. Where's like an underrated place to go?

Tartu! Yes, exactly. What's going on there? Uh, students. All the middle schools are in Tartu. Yeah. Great little university town, very cute, very lovely. Okay.

Tartu, me too. Everybody has a sauna. Everybody has a sauna. I had my sauna before I had my bed. Everybody has a sauna. Amazing. And do Joe Rogan that has boosted our economy. Yeah, absolutely. I have a new one on the way right now.

Elias. Very exciting. Very exciting with the boys. Do you get, uh, I mean, that one on the way right now. Elias? Yeah. Very exciting about it. Sweaty with the boys. Do you get, uh, well, I mean, that's one way of putting it. I was planning on mostly doing it by myself, but I guess you just invited yourself over. So,

uh, you have a, like, one that you control with your phone or do you do the wood burning? What's... Fuck the phone. No, no, traditional. I... The rocks, you throw water on them, or do you do the wood burning? What's... Fuck the phone, no, no. Traditional. Right. The rocks, you throw water on them. And it hurts, but you take it like a man. How do you heat the rocks, electricity?

I have an electrical one in my apartment, yeah. But... Do you have a what? An electrical one. Ah, ah-ha. Okay, hey. But the wooden one is the traditional one, yeah. Where you can like burn alive, you know. But how do you heat the rocks on the wooden one is the traditional one. Yeah, where you can like burn alive, you know But how do you heat the rocks on the traditional one like with you put the wood under right see and fire right got it?

Yes, I was just making sure second that what should write your face to oh yeah, I just got fucking roasted Roasted in the sauna territory Love it and what is your love life like? Are you single? It's very, it's tough. I don't know if you know this, but there's a guy that is single. He's on a hammock on rainy streets. So while you're in town, feel free to just butt fuck the shit out of him.

Sorry, de-madness is bad at me now. No! You can be gay in this country still. Yeah, you're allowed. I know, it's crazy. I mean, what a world! Yeah. Estonia has so many women. How do you decide which one to rape?

Jesus. Ha-ha-ha-ha. Mr. Rarisha here. Um... Ha-ha-ha. Sorry, is it you and Christmas? He's upset. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Mr. Marzen. Also Estonia famously, pro Nazis. Oh really? That's a very good Volkswagen. We give the Jews before the Nazis even got there. We didn't want to start off on the wrong foot. Is that true? It is, yeah. Wow, how did you kill them? You son of them? Stay in there. Yeah. Stay in there. We're gonna just burn a little extra wood. Let's move the door like you're not going anywhere. Okay, I love it. Well, it's fun to have anything you want to plug or anything like that. You're an amazing. My K1.

Absolutely. I watched 90 Day Fiancé. I learned a lot. lot right you need to find a gay one for your K one Maybe they'll use a little a one who knows? Uh, so uh, where can people find you or anything like that before you go? Well, if you google Estonian comedian, they only want that comes up Amazing comedian, they only want the comes up. Okay. Amazing. Ari Matty, ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much. Thank you. Amazing. Absolutely amazing. And like that, we've come to the finish line. There's only one way to end an episode like this. The longest standing regular in the history of the show. Oh no. Coming off of taking a week off of shows right now. He's fresh.

He is filled with brand bits. He has been a very high fiber on this guy. Some people call him the Tijuana Tarantula. Others have called him the Memphis Strangler. I know what I call him. What? My favorite comic. Ooh. Sam Talon's favorite comic, the vanilla gueranglers. I know what I call him. What? My favorite comic. Ooh!

Sam Talon's favorite comic, the vanilla gorilla. Wait a minute. Ladies and gentlemen, the Bronx bomber, the Harlem Globetrotter, the Detroit Dixie tail. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the Big Red Machine, William Montgomeryy everybody. Oh, that is an out of work dynamite salesman. Um. A masked man is leading the race to become president of Ghana, and it made me think Hillary should have just worn a mask.

Last week, have you seen that bitch lately? She look at Rob. Okay. Remember that show? Are you smarter than a fifth grader? Yes, what was the fucking answer? That is an out of work dynamite sales. But Hunter Biden has been indicted in California because apparently he's been $872,000 on porn, hookersers and sex clubs. Hey Redban any explanation for the 42,000 checks into y'all mom

Come on you're gonna take that give us a down effect but seriously what exactly is a sex club seems like it would be a lot easier to just use your fists? Okay, that's my time. Yeah, William Montgomery. I wasn't bad William, you know that Jack it's inside out bro Oh wow, yeah, I wore it on purpose like this tonight. That was, yeah. Is inside out, a very interesting look. What made you do that? Just freezing cold outside, and it adds extra protection if the orange side is out.

That's what the guy who sold it to me said. He's like, if it's on the, if the orange side is out, it gets, it stays warmer if the green part is. So that's what I do when I don't... Amazing. Can I ask you a question? Yeah. I didn't get the last joke about the fist. Just like a sex club, like you use it to like,

I don't know, put it some girls, like in pussy or something, but you can just use your fist. I gotta know. Bye-bye. No, no, all right. No, I gotta know. I was wondering, I got it. I love it.

The great trait Campbell was up here earlier, looking a lot like you. You remember him? He was. Yes, we were actually snorting Adderall out in my car before the show. And he has a really bad fever right now. That's why he was so red. Brother, yeah. Yeah, y'all are all probably sick up here. I was horrified. He is sick. Look like you had cholera. Yeah, he's sick are all probably sick up here. I was horrified. He is sick. Yeah, he's sick as shit right now. But we were snorting the adder also. I'm sick as shit right now.

How's your health been in real life? It's been good. I heard you have an inoperable cancer. Well, I had a 50% chance of living and they took it off. I'm better now. What was the other 50% that I was going to fucking die a coward? No, yeah, I don't know what the other 50% they would never tell me. I was asking, I was like, what to live or to die. I was like, what's the other 50%? 50% live, 50% they would never tell me. I was asking, I was like, what to live or to die. I was like, what's the other 50%? 50% live, 50% who knows? Yes, that's what they gave me.

So that's worse than death. Can you just guys just touch beards and get it over with? I just kind of already last time you sucked my dick. I saw your fucking dick earlier, dude. Holy shit, Ari. It's so nice to see you again. Yeah, can we? Oh, can we put our beards together a little? Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa hell yeah a real meeting of the mines here here in Montgomery. Do you have big Christmas plans?

I know you guys love Christmas. Going back to Memphis, well tomorrow I have to fly to New York City and I'm going to be there at 1 p.m. I have to do the thing for Dr. Squatch. And I'll be honest, I'm wearing this fucking orange tonight because I think my angle on the show I have to do is that I'm looking for Dr. Squatch and I'm killing Dr. Squatch and... No, actually Tony, I don't know what my angle's gonna be yet. So we're gonna figure...

Interesting. You're doing a corporate gig for the soap Dr. Squatch. What the fuck is Dr. Squatch? What's that mean? Yeah, explain the situation. Well, it's weirdly enough. They ask me because it's the type of soap that cause my skin cancer

So they're gonna be in for a big surprise tomorrow night at this fucking show Wait a minute. I have pinpointed it to fucking doctor squash. I was using them several years before I started getting skin cancer It's their fucking fault doctor squash gave me fucking skin cancer So they're gonna be in for a really big surprise tomorrow night, Tony. Gorgeous. A little fun fact, because sometimes the line between truth and fiction with William is very blurry. He literally, I happen to know for a fact, because he mentioned it to me on the backside

of things in a green room or wherever it was. He you know hey I want to get your advice on something I got offered this huge corporate gig with Dr. Squatch and I asked him I go what are they paying you and he goes long story short I'll just tell you guys he goes higher and I named another number and he goes higher and I named him number he goes higher. So literally you're watching him burn money in front of you right now he's literally saying that the company that he has that is paying him. I was just saying I'm gonna be at their headquarters tomorrow I would New York City. Tony, do you think I? Know it caused my cancer

Tonight a 50% chance of living or you know, I don't know what the fuck the other percent chance was that I was gonna go to fucking corporate a fucking doctor's Quatch and lay down the fucking law You should hold this up. The symbol crash was lighter on that one. Yeah, the band is hilarious So is this something you're planning on doing at this corporate gig that Dr. Squatch is paying you for to say that it gave you skin cancer? Yeah, I mean, this is a perfect opportunity. Are you gambling on the fact that every single member of the Dr. Squatch corporate team in New York City? Oh, yeah, no Tony. They're all gonna be there. Yeah, already, but are you gambling on the fact that they're all kill Tony fans?

And I like, oh, you don't know. That's William. He's wild. I'm gambling on the fact that they're all Killtony fans and I like, oh, you don't know, that's William, he's wild. I'm gambling on the fact that they caused my fucking skin cancer. I had a 50% chance at living on this earth with all y'all. But yeah, no, so we'll see. I'm pissed off, we're gonna see. Tony, hold this episode back for about three weeks. What?

I'd hold this back for about three weeks before you release it. Yeah, cash the check tomorrow, Willie. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, that's true. Yeah, yeah. Get it and cash it. No, I'm not even going to try to get the check. I can't really go into details exactly what is going down

in New York City tomorrow, but... Hey, William. Did you take the mystery box? I took the mystery box. Ah! How's the fiber intake going? We've heard a lot about your fiber lately. Did you take the mystery box? I took the mystery box. How's the fiber intake going? We've heard a lot about your fiber lately. What's the name of the cereal that you eat record amounts of?

Kellogg's all brand buds. The boxes are $8 a box. I recently went to the grocery store. I was starving. It was like two in the morning. I've been starving recently. Like two in the morning. I don't know if you'll ever just get so hungry. I like two in the morning. I've been starving recently. Like two in the morning. I don't know if y'all ever just get so hungry. I like two in the morning, but I was starving the other

couple Tuesdays ago. And man, I was just fucking walking around in there. Those boxes are like seven seven or eight dollars, but I don't know if y'all have ever just been so starving. Like fucking like 12 like yeah like two a.m. Fucking Tuesday night. You're just like starving. Yeah, like it seems like you were really hungry. We're just like, you go to a fucking grocery store and you can't even see the food. You're like, where's the food? Because you're, because you're starving.

Right. How long before that was your most recent meal? It seems like you were very hungry. I'm on this new diet, Tony. It's called Molecopleicative something diet. It's basically where you go one day where you eat one day where you don't eat two days Where you don't eat one? Two days where you eat it goes up from there. You're getting up to I don't know a couple weeks where you're not eating Then you're eating for a couple weeks and during during that couple weeks, you got to really, ooh, because you're gonna be starving.

The Estonia guy must be so confused. This is what you guys do at Comedy Clubs. Why, the way I write jokes. Okay, William, interesting, and have you done any puzzles or anything to pass the time lately? You famously talked about a puzzle a couple weeks ago, and then you posted a picture you sent it to me at least of this puzzle that you described on the... Oh, thank you, Ari.

Podcasting guru, Ari Shaffir, everybody, just a little... We've been drinking, little favor from Ari. So, what have you been doing to pass the time lately William? Been doing puzzles? Yeah, but another thousand pieces in the works. He described this puzzle for us. So it's sort of it's like a sandcastle Tony and it's a funny puzzle where half of the sandcastle, half of the puzzle is in the daytime, half of the puzzles in the nighttime Tony. So there's like scenes where the moon is glistening on the sand castle and there's going. They're going. There's sand castles everywhere. There's

there's sand castles everywhere. It's glistening and and it's like half of the half of its night, half of its daytime. People don't even know if there's sand trash. There's all kinds of sand, Tony. And then there's also... That right, one hand in the belt. There's bookie borders. There's a bunch of bookie borders out in the ocean.

Oh, you found it. It's a decent... It's to be four more weeks of spring. Sam, I've a really long torso. It's not what y'all do. But yeah, no, I think the thing I like most about this puzzle, half is daytime, half is night time. There's a little cup of anna off to one of the sides and the nighttime bird. There's a cabana And there's drinks and all kinds of stuff just listening in the cup of Anna So it's been hard finding all the drinks. Oh, man. Oh, that was all the snacks and

All right, anything else William before we let you go That was like a Sam Harris butt. Yeah, what hold on what just happened right there I literally tried to think about the puzzle but Ari I could have you got grouped Gilt Tony the pro molla station podcast how the great stole your dick the station podcast. How the great stole your dick. Hehehe. Hehehe. Hehehe.

Hehehe. Hehehe. While it's like, isn't it interesting if he was gay, that would have been like worse. That would have been like a sexual assault. Right. Yeah, but this was just a good old-fashioned horseplay. Yeah. It really was.

So just Tom Guller. Yeah. Hi, James. A little bit of that locker room jive. You know what I'm saying. A little bit of that locker room jive. You know what I'm saying? A little bit of that. No, Jerry. I'm just going to be thinking about to that fucking tomorrow night,

at the headquarters of Dr. Squats, what I'm fucking, I swear, I'm going to be so fast in that place. I'm going to be moving swiftly. And yeah, I mean, everybody's in there. I feel like your rollercoaters is about to get some head. You know what I'm saying? Make of quarters is about to get some head Make sure you eat before you get on that plane tomorrow because you might end up being absolutely Tony I never go start eating. I'm on the

Part of the diet plan. We're not set up for starving, but yes, you went with the other branding thing there That's really starving The starving thing was really working for you. I figured I figured I'd Feed it too. I'm not trying to feed you a line since you were So hungry a starving William lights out Montgomery Lee We'll wait and I'm in the legend of the show Use the promo code killed 15 get a fucking IV drip Ninja party bus comms shuttles going to the arenas on December 30th and 31st kill merge calm

The drawing from Ryan J. E. Belt is in gelblaster red rose yellow rose hall law firm Sam talons new special makes some a fucking noise for Sam Talon. I tried to warn you people, the Toads Morale of December 26th on Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast YouTube channel. Mark Norman makes him a great Mark Norman. Plug something Mark, say something. Hey Mark Norman, comity.com. Got a special YouTube Netflix.

Our dear Big Brother and Dark Lord, Ari Shephear has graced us. Ari, give it to him. Thank you. I'd like to promote the Danny Brown and Billy Strange should do a duet together. Bro Hamas. Fuck yeah.

That sounds awesome. How about one more time for the best stand band in the land? Matt Muleing on the electric, John Dees on the keys, D Madness on the bass guitar, Paul Deemer on the horns, Michael Gonzalez on the drums, the drawing from your local artist, Chris Rogers is in, it's a new William Montgomery. These are available for sale in the lobby

with some brand new exclusive Killtony merchandise. All right, man. Check out the Sunset Strip, SunsetStrip atx.com Merry Christmas. We love you, thank you so much. Good night everybody, Merry Christmas y'all, two, three, both. I'm a little bit more I'm a little bit more I'm a little bit more I'm a little bit more

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