KILL TONY - #651 - ARI SHAFFIR

Episode Date: February 20, 2024

Ari Shaffir, William Montgomery, Kam Patterson, Hans Kim, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, Jon Deas, Matthew Muehling, Joe White, Kristie Nova, Yoni, Kino Loasis, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – 01/29/2024 Follow Tony: @TonyHinchcliffe Follow Brian: @Redban Follow Yoni: @BestBarbecue To watch the podcast on YouTube: https://bit.ly/KILLTONYYouTube Don’t forget to follow the podcast for free wherever you're listening or by using this link: https://bit.ly/KILLTONY If you like the show, tell people about it! You can text, email, post, or send this link: https://bit.ly/KILLTONY To check out the show live in Austin, TX, go to: https://killtonylive.com Download the Gametime app, create an account, and use code KILLTONY for $20 off your first purchase. Use code TONY for 20% off https://bubsnaturals.com If you use our special link https://expressvpn.com/KILLTONY you’ll get three extra months completely FREE.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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call or text 988, a message from the government of Canada. At Beth365, we don't do ordinary. We believe that every sport should be epic. Every goal, every game, every point, every play, from the moments that are remembered forever to the ones you've already forgotten, whether it's a game-winning goal in the final seconds of overtime or a shot on goal in the first period so whatever the sport whatever the moment it's never ordinary

At bed 365 must be nice and older Ontario and it's very responsible if you or someone you know has concerns about gambling visit connect Ontario.ca Hey, this is red ban and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Death Squad.tv. And don't forget to check out everything Tony Hinchcliffe at TonyHinchcliffe.com. And the Sunset Strips, my new comedy club in Austin, Texas. Go to SunsetStripATX.com. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band, coming to you live from the comedy mothership here in Austin, Texas

for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hitchcliff! Who's ready to fuck some shit up tonight, huh? Yeah! Make some noise for nice red band everybody. Here we go again, the number one live podcast in the world, brought to you by Gelblaster, the Red Rose, Yellow Rose, Hall Law Firm, CM Smokehouse, NinjaBuses.com and Connect Mobile Health where you can get an IV drip, fully recover.

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O2O, the letter O2O, the new hit song Epsilon. The great John Dees on the keys, check out JohnDees.Bandcamp.com for all of his music. That's D-E-A-S. That's the great Michael Gonzalez on the drums. And how loud can this place get for the one, the only, the great and powerful D-Mother fucking madness on the face? Jesus Christ almighty. Uneffing, believable. The kids are put to bed, the bongs are bubbling. Here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made tonight's episode available for you here right now. The Songset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday.

Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets. You guys ready to start tonight's episode or what? You guys are in for a very special treat. Sometimes I have multiple guests on and sometimes it gets a little too fucking busy for my liking. Too many people trying to chime in, the show doesn't get to breathe. Sometimes the people don't know the show that well and they're doing this and that. This is a special episode because this is a fucking veteran

of the Kill Tony guest game coming on solo. He's been stuck with a ton of people on every episode that he's been on recently and we have him here all by himself. He is truly my big brother, one of my favorite mentors in the history of my fucking career. And a man who I love with all of my goddamn heart. Comedy store legend. You know him from all of his hit specials, all of his hit podcasts,

one of the funniest human beings on planet earth and one of my favorite humans of all time. Let's see how loud this place can get for the one and only Ari Shepir, everybody. Oh shit. Oh shit. Let's go. Yes. Oh shit, oh shit, let's go. Yes! Woo! Oh yeah! Ari Shephir. And his band of Minions. Oh my God. You have a band of Minions.

You have a band of Minions. You have a band of Minions. You have a band of Minions. You have a band of minions. Oh my God, you have the craziest balls of all time. It never gets old. Every time I'm like Jesus Christ. Oh God, watching them slip back into those pants was the scariest thing. It's like watching a baby be fucking pushed back into the womb or something like that. Seven pounds, eight ounces of nuts.

Holy shit. Oh my God, was that a Yamakai song, one of them? It's unbelievable. You put the men in menorah. Those fucking things are wild dude. Make some noise for our issue fear everybody coming in with a fucking bang. We're gonna have to be back Tony. Gonna be back red band. Gonna be back band. We love you. I've been looking forward to this. You know ever since the show's gotten a little bit bigger

lately than it was ever before. Yeah, I heard you're doing the Hebrew Center. Yes, yeah. Madison Square Garden two nights. So you're gonna take a tunnel there, am I correct? That's the Caik Arena. Yeah. From the Hebrew Center to the Caik Arena.

Tony, you can do no wrong. It is unbelievable, And I'm sure. I'll dig your route from here to there. I love it. I cannot fucking wait. But you know, a lot of people, they were at the point now to where a lot of the biggest comedians in the world hit me up

and they're like, hey, can I do the show, this and that. And I like, I've been telling you for a month or two, I wanted you to be on fucking solo, just me and you. We'll fucking get into this shit. You know how it works two hundred and nineteen human beings signed up tonight. Wow two hundred and nineteen one just slipped out. We'll let that be the first fucking bucket pull of the night. Is that a real human heavyweight champion of the world? It's a stage name. Okay,

he is heavy weight. You know this for a fact. Okay, the producers are saying yes. They literally everybody has to fucking sign a thing. What's the extra chair for? I feel like my step mom is going to show up. I don't know. She's a man. I don't know just in case anything crazy happens. Anything can happen here on Kill Tony. The whole show's improvised in Austin as a lot of rabble rousers running around. So while they go get the heavyweight champion of the world, let me remind y'all that comedians on this show get 60 seconds.

You know their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or I'll say bring out the angry West Hollywood bear and then I interview them and we find out more about them with our esteemed guest, the great and powerful Ari Shafir. Are you guys ready to start tonight's show? Well, they're still grabbing the heavyweight champion of the world. He spelled it with a d a. It was d a. Yeah, not a not a good sign by the way it could be a great sign but while we grab him there's only one way to start a show like this with one of our most esteemed regulars you know when we found this guy he was poor he was selfless and he was smart and now he is rich, he has an ego,

and he's dumb. You guys know the theme song? This is Hot His Kim! This is Hot His Kim! Hey! It's good to be here. I think abortion is pretty cool, you know? Men have been killing things for years.

It's time the ladies took a crack at it, too. Yeah. You can start with fetuses. Work your way up to Filipinos. Um, I recently went to Louisville. They have an airport there called the Muhammad Ali Airport. Who doesn't love an airport named after a guy that couldn't stop shaking? Is this turbulence or does this plane have Parkinson's disease?

Ever since I got on Kill Tony, I've been doing a lot of 69. That's where I have sex with sixes, and I think I'm a nine. All right, that's my time. Thank you. Okay. 44 seconds from Hans Kim. Coming in a little bit light in the loafers tonight. I like the jokes.

I forgot. I thought it was longer. I'm sorry. My timing's a little off. Why do you think your timing is off this week? This week, I don't know. Maybe the the the girlfriend not being with me anymore.

I'm single. You got dumped. Yeah. What? This happened a long time ago. But yeah, you mean two weeks ago when you told us about it? Yeah. A long time ago, but yeah, I mean two weeks ago When you told us about it. Yeah a long time ago. I feel like I've already done The jokes that I've had for that you guys left to listen two weeks from now, but what is going on right now?

What are you talking about? What do you give us an update Hans? What's with this outfit brother? This is What are you trying to do with your life? Why this whole thing? Besides the shoes. With the immigration crisis, I thought it'd be good to let these people know which side I'm on. You're on the white side of history.

You look like a sales rep for Ping. Is this free clothing or did you buy it? I bought most of this. What or did you buy it? I bought most of this. What didn't you buy? I bought everything but this jacket. This jacket my mom bought me from Korea. Ooh, nice. Okay.

Did she just buy you that jacket solo or did it come with a box of other goodies? Just the jacket. I was like, hey mom, I need a jacket. She got it for me. Very nice lady. What's going on in your life that's exciting, Hans? Anything this week? I've been a crushing pus.

I met a. Tell us about that. There you go. That's what we like to know about. That's interesting. This is the first time you've given us an update. This is different than your ex-girlfriend? Yes, this is completely different women.

So this is the first women? Yes. More than one? Yes. You ever stop and think how lucky you are? Yeah. A lot of people have been reminding me how much I don't deserve it or whatever. Yeah.

So tell us about the new Poesons. We've been hearing about the same girl for a couple of years. This is like all new, right? Yeah, I was in Springfield. This girl had a real strong grip, gave me a strong grip hand job. I had to fucking get wrist control, fucking back out. Whoa, look at that!

Oh. Look at that. And then she tried to finger my butthole, and I was like, I'm wearing jeans. And then she squeezed my balls, and I was like, ouch. Okay. Yeah. And I need to take a walk. Take a little breather.

Yep. Are you sure? I have a question. Is that what you call crushing pus? Yeah. That seemed more like love on the spectrum. Like really? Yeah. Holy shit. At what point did you crush Puss Hans?

You got your balls, squoze, a finger in your jeans, and a hard hand job. Where did the puss come into play? I was fingering her the whole time. Wow, okay. All right, you were crushing Puss Hans. job. Where did the puss come into play? I was fingering her the whole time. Wow. Okay. All right, you were crushing puss with your finger. Rock and roll. Okay. Did you do anything with your penis? Yeah, yeah, I got it sucked a little.

Is this the same girl? Yes, same girl. Springfield, Missouri? Yes. Wow, dude. Very beautiful lady. Was she beautiful? Yes.

Uh-huh. OK, all right. See there, he's got a lot of momentum early on. He's a little excited with those buttons. OK. We went to the Bass Pro Shop. That's the first Bass Pro Shop is in Springfield. We went to the aquarium there. You wife-eater?

You like, you started like going out with this trick? Yeah, that's the only way I can get laid. Nice, bro. You have to hang out with them first. Yeah, a long time. Right. Okay. So it was just one girl. It was her and then the beautiful Angelica. Oh, she's here tonight. Oh, she's here. Yes. Okay, what happened with Angelica? She and I had sex yesterday. Wow. Here in Austin. Yes. And this is like a fan of yours, a fan of the show? Yeah, she mentioned me in a story and I was like, holy shit. That's good enough. And then like...

Yeah, you messaged her like, what's up? Yeah, I was like, come on over. She's like, I can't, I can't. And then she did that three times in the fourth time. She could. She could. Right, cause you, you're very persistent. We know that you have rapey energies.

I can't means nothing to you. I can't means ask again. I have a... I have a fridge full of kimchi. Yeah. Grab my dick really hard. Was that the one that grabbed your dick hard? No, she's got a very gentle touch.

Okay, is Angelica just visiting? No, she's moved here from Houston. Wow. Oh my goodness. You're gonna do this again with Angelica? Yeah, hopefully tonight. Wow, where's Angelica at? Do you see her?

She's up there in the booth. Okay, you got her spot on the VIP balcony, huh? I didn't know that you had access to that part of the guest list. It was actually trying to avoid those were my people, but I guess you're squeezing. All they have to do is mention you in their stories and all of a sudden they're sitting where Elon Musk sits when he comes to a show.

That's all it takes. Just DM Hans Kim everybody. But you got to skip the aquarium with this one. This was straight to fun, huh? Yeah, no aquarium, just straight to the wet pussy. Angelica, if the place could stay quiet for a second, Angelica, how is Hans in bed? Is she a cat? 10 out of 10.

Ten out of ten? Ten out of ten? Ten out of ten? Ten out of ten? Ten out of ten? Ten out of ten? Ten out of ten? Jesus Christ. Pretty Asian for a Mexican girl.

She's Mexican. Oh, she's Mexican? Did you use protection? Nope. Oh, hot. Oh boy. Mexican did you think section nope oh ha oh boy oh shit mix in the old beans and rice oh my goodness well we're going to need updates on what happens from here Hans

keep us posted on the newborn baby that you're gonna have no protection. You pull out. Yes, I pulled out. Okay. Yeah, on her stomach and back, taking a chance. You might have a fucking you might have a bow in the oven right now, dude. Nothing on that. That's pretty good. Dao nothing. Did that not translate? I thought that was good. Okay. Hans. Good job. Thank you. As always, his interviews are unbelievable. 45. Folks single Hans is back. Last week he was still fucking his ex. Why this episode comes out upset. He was upset about the girl. They just broke up and he was fucking his ex the whole time. And so this is the first time we've

heard of Hans getting actual new pussy forever. Two in a week. Yeah. Well, what the fuck's happening to society? I'm telling you, dude. These fucking chicks love comedy. The quickest way to a girl's vagina is by making her laugh. Or having really compelling interviews, it seems.

You guys having fun? Well, you know what time it is. He's ready. We're gonna meet him all together. I introduced you for the first time on the show, the heavyweight champion of Doe World, everybody. 60 seconds uninterrupted for the first bucket pull of the night.

Anything can happen. Make some noise for the first bucket pool of the night. Anything can happen. Make some noise for the heavyweight champion of Doe World. Oh, shit. Let's go. Oh, shit. Let's go. Oh, shit. Let's go.

Oh, shit. Let's go. Oh, shit. Let's go. Oh, shit. Let's go. Oh, shit. Let's go. Oh, shit. Let's go. Oh, shit. Let's go. Oh, shit. A pedophile, a war criminal, and a Jew are digging a tunnel underneath New York City.

They all look at each other and say, Mazel Tov. I'm Mexican, if you couldn't tell. If you couldn't tell, you need to step your fucking prejudice game up. I'm one of the good ones though. I believe we should close the border and build that wall, baby. Close the border and build that wall, baby. Uh...

Close that fucking can, that's enough beans. I love being here in Austin. The other day, I saw the most perfect woman. She was so beautiful and so stupid. She was like, I hate white straight men. I was like, hell, yeah. I wonder how much she hates the gay brown ones. I hate fat people.

They're always so excited to see me because they are no longer the fattest person in the room. That's me. That's my title. Heavyweight champion of the world, baby. Woo! Wow. Okay. Well, you got the heavyweight part, baby. Wow, okay. Well, you got the heavyweight part right. Yes, sir.

I love it. Welcome to the show Heavyweight Champion of DeWorld. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? Off and on 10 years, but started taking it seriously in March. Okay. Oh, wow. Why do you look like you're pregnant

with triplet stavroses? Ha, ha, ha. Lots of Mexican food, tortillas, man, from San Antonio. Oh my goodness. Oh my goodness. I've never seen a lopsided fat before. It is incredible. A little fun fact you guys can't see is a few times

he put his arm behind his back while he was performing and he has an actual shelf back there. Can you show the people? There is a shelf for his arm. That's pretty convenient. I love it. You have a tank top and a tank body. This is absolutely incredible. You make big pun look small.

No doubt about it. What do you do for work, heavyweight champion of the world? I'm a TikToker. TikTok? Yeah, yeah. Wow. Is that the noisier pacemaker makes all the time? I'm a food blogger on tick tock a food blogger. Holy shit. Wow. Perfect job. No

one more fitting for the job than you. Yeah. It's incredible. Those capris. What would we even call those? So there's shorts. They might be long. They are wider than they are long. So you make a living doing ticktocks. Yeah, mostly it's probably about 50 percent of my income. The other 50 percent is coming from Uber driving Uber driving. Yeah. Okay. What kind of car do you Uber in? I got a two thousand twenty two Altima. Wow, when someone says hey we have four can we sit one up front you go no they can but I kind of hate it. Uh huh. Okay, what ethnicity are you a Mexican step prejudice game up. No, I had a feeling I was just making sure you could

have easily been aggressively Greek or something like that Aggressively Greek I love it. So you live here in Austin, Texas. No, I live in San Antonio. All right This is what people a lot of people from San Antonio look like by the way Antonio mascot hell. Yeah, how yeah. How's the diabetes? It's not there yet, surprisingly. When's the last time you saw a doctor? In the summer of last year.

And what happened last summer that you went and visited a doctor? One of my friends died in his sleep. So I was like, oh shit, I'll take that as a warning. Yeah. That's what you needed as a warning. Yeah. Oh, it was all going so well.

And then my friend suddenly, we lost him. It rocked my world and I thought, could I also have health problems? Could I also be at risk for a fucking completely falling apart? What did the doctor tell you when you were there? Um, I mean, I got all my blood work done. You mean mud work? Shit was coming out thick, dude.

And I mean, yeah, it was like, you need to get healthier. You're gonna fucking die. Like straight up, What have you done since then to get healthier? Have you lost weight? Have you added weight? What do you think? Yeah, I have lost some weight.

I've gained some back over the holidays, but I stopped drinking. What were you drinking before? Beer and tequila, Lone Star. Okay. Screw up, peanut butter whiskey. Okay, hell yeah. All right. How much do how much you weigh buddy?

Like five twenty five twenty absolutely unbelievable and when you're when you are sleeping do you have trouble breathing and stuff like that? No, no, no, no. I'm good. I'll take a nap right now. No, I'm just gonna. Okay. Do you think like food blogging is probably a bad idea though? I mean, I don't know. Pays the bills. I trust him on it. If it die attempts, I would not go for it.

Blogging and blogging both. If for a good time, not a long time, man. What's your love life like? Yeah, that's what I want to know. Is there a... Oh, it's fucking... Is there a Mrs. Piece of shit? Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha.

No. Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha.

Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha. What is your love life like heavyweight champion of the world? It's absolutely messy. I take what I can get. What can you get? Every single one of them is insane and none of them like some gaslighting shit. Like they're all on ketamine and fucking supremely depressed. But usually they're pretty hot, so.

How does that help? Where do you meet these ketamine fueled depressed girls? Dude, San Antonio, they're all like in the food service industry. And what's your, what's... That's a very honest answer. Honesty goes a long way in these interviews. I mean, that's the ultimate note.

You know the thing to think about. I'm like I'm like a D list celebrity in San Antonio for logging. So goes that goes a long way. Okay. Okay. So you take them back to your bed. What kind of bed are we looking? I usually take them to a hotel room. Why? Why would you take a girl to a hotel? My mom's disabled. I take care of my mom, but take care of my mom since I was 12 years old. What's her disability? She's got fucked up back.

She's got like four herniated discs in her neck and then just several other things that stem from there. And you don't? No, no. Is she built? I work like 60 hours a week. I'm pretty good.

That's great. I held you. 36. week. I'm pretty good. It's great. How old are you? 36. 36. Is your mom a big lady too? Yeah, but she got weight loss surgery like two years ago, so she's slimming down. Have you thought about getting this surgery?

Yeah, I did. I did think about it. I was gonna get it, and then I lost like 30K in crypto. So. Oh, crypto. I thought he was gonna say 30 kilos. Yeah. Yeah. Like. Wow. crypto so oh I thought he was gonna say 30 kilos yeah wow so the crypto market is the reason why you're not getting the surgery yeah

basically okay to the ground the crypto he's trying to do a crypto Joe the Crip Crypto. He's trying to do a crypto Joe. Wow. Okay. So what would it what? How much do you need for this surgery? Do you know last time I checked I went in the summer of 16 K. Uh huh. Yeah, 16 K 16,000. It doesn't seem like that much. Yeah, but I can't get alone on it and I don't have health insurance. So why don't we do something fun? Why don't we, when this episode comes out.

Who from the audience would like to give $16,000 to? Anybody? Anybody? No? Wait, so what are you gonna say, though? I think that you should do a fucking go fund me and when this episode comes out, we'll funnel people to it and maybe it'll change your...

You don't have long to live. I know, I know. I don't have long to live. I know, I don't know how I don't know how I'm gonna direct your doctor was to you. Sudden death, he said. Yeah, yeah, there's no doubt about it. You have like fucking minutes, dude. It's actually, you might not make it to the episode release.

We're like three weeks behind. We'll put it in the link on the YouTube's right below. If you make it, it's gonna be down here. I guarantee you we raise enough money to have this surgery. One penny a person, we'll get you that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I mean. But you have to fucking,

you have to spend it on the surgery. No doubt about it, man. I take care of my mom, I work so much. But if you raise $17,000, you can use leftovers for tacos. I'll miss it, sorry. I love it. Sorry. I love it.

Well, there you go. We're going to try to raise money for you to get surgery, because 500 and fucking 20 pounds is absolutely butt fucking crazy. You know what, brother? We're going to try to make you the middleweight champion of the world. I'm down, baby.

All right, there he goes. Heavyweight champion of the world. Here's a medium-sized joke book. There you go, boom. Right in the middle of his tits. Absolutely nailed it. You know, buying tickets can be a real pain sometimes. You can't tell if the seats are good,

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and is a small lot roasted and guaranteed fresh. Right now, Kill Tony listeners could get 20% off when you use Code Tony at bubsnaturals.com. Again, that's 20% off with Code Tony at bubsnaturals.com. Die young as late as possible with Bubs. All right, let's keep it moving along. Your next comedian goes by the name of Wayne McCracken, 60 seconds uninterrupted for Wayne McCracken, live here

on Kill Tony. Here he is, make some noise for Wayne, everybody. Oh, what's up, Texas? All right. Little bit about myself. I am not what you would call an educated person. That's right. Now, I don't think that means I'm retarded is the thing.

Here's the thing. What is not retarded about me is the fact that I think evolution is real. Do we believe in evolution in this room? You think it's, no? You don't think it's a real thing? Here's what I'll say. I don't think it explains the human condition. I don't know how homo sapiens somehow finagled their way to the top of the food chain when they're prone to things like scoliosis and sunburns. Seems a little off. But I will tell you this, this is how I know evolution is real.

I've got one buddy, he was born with a vestigial tail, right? You know what his girlfriend calls it? The big one. That's not even the worst one. I have another friend that was recently diagnosed with super gonorrhea, a very unfort this unfortunate diagnosis. This poor asshole didn't just get the clap. He got a standing ovation. You know I'm saying raw. Okay, Wayne McCracken absolutely flat lining up here. I mean that was

flat lining up here. I mean, that was about as bad as it gets, Wayne. That's about it. You know what sucks I forgot about? I'm on stage looking at no laughter, so I'm also affected. We are not used to that. I feel bad. We worked long and hard to never have that feeling.

That's why I don't ever look them directly in the eyes when somebody's bombing that hard. I don't want to see it. It hurt. It hurt me too. No, no, no, it didn't. You're having literally the best time of your life right now. Here's the thing. I'm really not. I did too many drugs this afternoon. You're blaming it on the drugs. Huh? It's my escape. Do you think that that material would have gone differently if you did no drugs? Did you change your set list after doing the drugs or you think your delivery was affected? All of the above. All of the above. You changed your set list after doing drugs. No, here's the real deal. I

just got here from Colorado. I got in 36 hours ago. I'm operating on eight hours of sleep. Once again, not an excuse. We are all operating off of eight hours of sleep, by the way. That's a good point. That's an excellent point. It's an incredible amount of sleep. Oh my God! That's an excellent point.

I landed from Seattle, which is farther than Colorado, less than 36 hours ago, and I got less than eight hours of sleep, and I'm up here for two hours, posting a hours. I think that's why you're a professional. And I'm not okay. You suck. Wayne, how long have you been doing stand up comedy? Wayne, Tony I've been doing it for four and a half years. Oh my God. And that was your best minute that you could come up with here on the biggest

platform for stand up comedians in the world? I knew I shouldn't have signed up. I'm not in the mood. You're not in the mood? You just went out in front of a million people. This is unbelievable. This is what I deserve actually. We're running on limited time. Stop rambling into the microphone. Give us a redeeming quality about you. The entire room is against you right now. You're filled with nothing but excuses and punch line list material. Give us something that we would like about you. Wayne McCracken. You have your entire life to reference here. How old are you?

32 years 32 years of life story. This is your chance right now to turn this whole thing around. Tell us something interesting about you right now. Go. I am a petty cabber. I was in Vegas where I would kidnap people and put them on my cabin, extort them for money when I got off of them. Here is the world's tiniest joke book that we've ever given out. This has been in case of emergency break glass. Look how small that is. Just for those of you that might not know,

this is a normal size small joke book. That is that size joke book. It has a sad face on the back of it and a KT on the front. This is a medium size joke book. And this is a medium size joke book and this is a big size joke book red band. We got the lighter reference very good. This is a big joke book. This is the size that you're getting Wayne. May I recommend what do you do for a living? Try to catch what you do for a living. You're a

petty cabber professionally. I travel have you ever had brain trauma or any yeah when I was a kid for sure sure a lot happened football sure. Okay, what was the drugs that you did earlier skateboarding? What was the drugs that you did earlier? Weed cocaine and voodoo Rangers also known as the heroin of beer. Did cocaine? Did you bring it from Colorado with you or you got it on the streets here? Close you get to the border the better it gets. It's here now cocaine is here in Austin right, but you say you got it here in the last 36 hours. Yeah, I got pretty cool. You're a resort cameras. Yeah.

Okay, the world's smallest joke book. You're gonna catch it. We're gonna see if you can catch it. It would be the only only redeeming quality might happen. He used his chest though, Tony. I will try to do better. Talking to you suck. There will be no next time, Rain McRacken. He's blacklisted. It's been a long time since I've done it. You're blacklisted. Go.

Back to obscurity, you go. We have no room for people like this. The blacklist thing is back on Kill Tony. Wow. Wow. ["You're a Friar"] Na na na na na na na na na na na na na. Hey hey hey hey, you friar. All right. Your next comedian goes by the name of Frankie Ryan.

60 seconds uninterrupted for Frankie Ryan. Here we go. Make some noise for Frankie, everybody. Woo! How we doing? How we doing, man? for Frankie Ryan. Here we go. Make some noise for Frankie, everybody. Whoo-hoo! How we doing? How we doing, man? I'm so excited to be here tonight. I decided to wear what we call a woohoo shirt. You know who who shirt is?

Whoo-hoo! Now, I'm on the apps, and most of the time, when I say apps, people think I'm talking about appetizers, but I'm talking about Tinder, Hinge,, bumble for this guy, Grindr. Uh, I matched with this girl and she told me that she was a vegan, so as you could tell, we didn't have too much in common. Uh, we decided to go out for drinks and not dinner

because there was no way I was gonna pay for like, rabbit food, you know? Uh, drinks went well, we had back to my place, things started getting hot and heavy, and like the gentleman I am, I dropped my hand down low. She goes, I'm sorry, I'm on my period. I said, don't worry, baby, I eat my steak with a little bit of blood in it.

She wasn't having it. After a minute, you know, it started going back towards me, she started fighting the one-eyed champion, you know, jerking the gherkin. I said, baby, I'm sorry, you're gonna have to put your mouth on it. She goes, excuse me, you think a vegan will put meat in her mouth? I said, how else does a vegan girl get down?

She put my legs behind my head and started tossing my salad. Thank you. Wow, that's a lot of salad. It's one of those all-of-garden, never-ending salad bowls right there. Few croutons in that salad, I'm guessing. Croutons croutons.

Oh my goodness gracious. Frankie, welcome to the show. Thank you. I like your. I can't tell whether you're hilarious or just going up after fucking Wayne McCracken makes anybody funny. I was I was back there and that guy fucking sucked. I'm probably not that funny. I love it. I love it. You actually look like if the first two comedians made a baby together. It's incredible. You're the heavyweight champion of the McCracken world. My goodness. This is incredible. How long you been doing stand up?

About two years. Two years, we're at Orlando, Florida. Orlando, Florida. And you just visiting Austin? Yes, sir. You moved here. Okay, when did you get here? I got here last Sunday.

The goal was to stay for two opportunities to get on this show. And you signed up last week, it didn't happen, and here you are. Here we are, baby. When you go back to Orlando tomorrow. Yeah, I leave at like, I was planning on leaving at like three o'clock in the morning tomorrow. You're driving.

Yeah, I'm supposed to like work on Wednesday. What do you do for work? I sell like RVs and boots and shit. Okay. Yeah, you look like you would do that. Thank you. Thank you. He's pretty good on stage.

He has a delivery style. You can tell he's done it a bunch. Yeah. Thank you. You work hard at it, huh? Oh, I practice a lot in the car. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. I don't like, I don't like open mics

because I feel like good jokes, bomb no matter what that shitty open mics. That's like, that's like, that's like, so but hey shows, I fucking love it, man. Yeah. If it takes somebody out to international waters where there's no laws and just do whatever the fuck you want to, though.

Like torture them with my comedy. No, sir, I have not. I love it. I love it. There's a lot of people in here, dude. Yeah, if there's a lot more than you can fit in your car, that's where she got damn sure. Okay, so Frankie, what else are you into other than stand up comedy and slinging boats and RVs? I'm a degenerate

gambler. Okay, we were playing card games over there or wherever the fuck it was poor bet on sports. Yeah, well, I don't know if you know this, but right now I've partnered up with the draft Kings and Super Bowl 58 is right around the corner and if you bet five dollars you get two hundred dollars. They match your bet up to two hundred dollars. All you have to do is download the draft King Sports app and use the promo code Tony. There we go. All right it now. It's a crazy coincidence. Yeah. The gambles that you have that is nuts. Yeah. That's crazy. I just made enough money to get lap band surgery for the heavyweight

champion of the world. Right then in that very moment. That's amazing. It is. I love it. What's your poison? How do you get to be that big? If it wasn't for the heavyweight champion of the world, you'd be the biggest guy we've had on the show in a long time. Yeah, I like to tell people it's probably drinking, but it's fucking make chickens, dude. Okay, chickens. Yeah, man. It's such a fucking deal. You can go to

a chick, get one chicken sandwich or four dollars, get you four McChickens. Right. Yeah, right. What do you think? Do you think that it's actual chicken? No, right. If it was actual chicken, I wouldn't look that bad. Dude, chicken is a healthy. I mean, Jesus, do you call all chicken sandwiches? McChickens, by the way, not just the McDonald one. Dude, I have a class. What he was comparing the prices of the two full the value budget, you know, right, right. You don't go Chick-fil-A at all. I mean, yeah, the black guys behind us are really murmuring at this chicken talk.

Yeah, what's going on back here? You guys, uh, you say chicken three times. D madness and John D start arguing over nothing. What's going on back here? Matt's in it too. What is he the one that eats the white bread for you guys? Ari, you had a question or something? No way. I'm confused. I'm spun around. You have any special skills or talents, Frankie? No, I just show my belly. Right. Yeah. Yeah, that was pretty good though. Yeah, I tried to do that to get a pop

and then right off of that. Yeah, special talents. No, what's your love life like Frankie? Who you got there breaking beds? Oh, I actually built a mega bed. Uh-huh. Would you like to hear about it? Yes.

All right, so my girlfriend moved in with me, and I have an adjustable base frame queen. The king bed is like way too expensive to buy. Obviously I'm not sharing a bed with another person on a queen. So I strapped her bed to my neck. Hold on, Ari, go ahead. Because you're fat.

You're fast with it, dude. Yeah. Fuck. Yeah. So you're not sharing a bed. So I strapped her bed to my bed, and they don't come apart. You strapped it. Strapped it like fucking.

So it's a king and a queen wrapped together. No, no, no, it's a queen and a fool. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. It's a mega bed. It's a mega bed man. Such a cool name. We were expecting you to actually build something. You just strapped a couple fucking beds together. I thought it was pretty innovative. Yeah, I like it. Two kings would be cool though. Yeah, I just don't have the room for it. I innovative. Yeah. I agree. I like it. Two kings would be cool though. Yeah, I just don't have the room for it. I don't know if I told you,

but I budget for McChickens. So, my room's not that big. He is loving it. It is incredible. Wow. Unbelievable stuff. Frankie, I like your style. You're getting a big joke back here. You gonna catch it? Boom. There he goes. Frankie Ryan everybody. Okay, yeah, let's do it. Now's that time where we go to one of our most unbelievable regulars in the history of the show.

I mean, this guy's literally fucking unbelievable. On the road, he's absolutely killing, coming off of four sold out theaters with me this weekend. Just got invited to open up for Bird in some giant venues. Just opened up for Shane Gillis, headlining on his own, a fucking freak of nature. I present to you a brand new minute from the great Cam Patterson. ["Camp Patterson"] So, me being on this show is like really dope,

you know what I'm saying? It's cool shit that happened to me in my life. But I think some of the wrong people saw the rock shit. Ka-Won from All My Homeboys had no idea what I was into in life. Now they see me talk about my life experiences every week, you know what I'm saying? I went back home for the first time a couple weeks ago and my dog saw me. He was like, hey man, I love you on that kid, told him, show that shit, hold on,

like, watch what you doing, shit, bro. I had no idea. You was a real weirdo. You like a whole bunch of weird ass shit, goof ass nigga. And I got told that he a real fan. He like really enjoy the show. So when I repeated the joke on accident,

he called me, he was like, you a p, old dumbass fuck, look, he was mad at me, right? He was mad at shit. And I was like, yeah, you know, I ain't mean to his accident. He said, I know you repeat jokes. You repeat the third grade. You just a retarded ass snigger. That was my time. I love it. 59 seconds, right on the fucking dot for Cam Patterson.

Embracing the repeating of a joke. Their shirt says the adventures of Cam Repeterson. Yeah, I'd be reading the comments when I shouldn't and they got me, that should offend it. The repetition shit is very funny. Whoever came over that, I owe you money, but fuck you, I kill your mom. I kill your mother, bitch.

So much fun. I cannot explain to you guys, you know, I've been doing the fucking road for basically 17 years, and you might be one of the most fun people to go out there with. All we do is laugh and fucking have so much fun. And one of the most amazing things about Cam, and it is getting bigger and better.

This man that you're looking at is by far the biggest marketing genius I've ever been around in the history of stand-up comedy. Ari, are you ready for this? Because you, our senior Jewish correspondent, are going to, your mind is about to fucking be blown. So, breaking Jews. Um, this is unbelievable.

I'm about to make you hard as a rock. You ready? Profit margin. Here we go. First of all, his father meets us in whatever city we land in, right? He goes to Home Depot that day, buys about what seven dollars? It turns out for a giant, never ending bag of rocks, it's about like seven dollars. It's like garden rocks. 825 825 for a no fucking way massive.

I see what I'm going at fucking way. So fucking smart. It's god damn it believable. So the people much each huh did I wow wow and he sells out in every city. So instead of loving extra rocks to the next city and getting on a flight with a bag of rocks like a fucking psycho. He has one duffel bag with his shit in it and a giant plastic case that is a mother fucking credit card machine. So he's just cut.

card machine. So he's just Ka-Chang, Ka-Chang, Ka-Chang. Literally the largest profit margin. He might make more on merch than fucking Kevin Hart and Bert Kreischer combined. Literally slinging rocks. Slinging rocks. You could take the man out of the hood, but you cannot take the hood out of the man.

Come on, man. Wow. You gotta flip it, baby. Come on, man. It is fucking smart, man. Wow. You gotta flip it, baby. Come on, man. It is fucking smart, Kim. Unbelievable. So the next city they land in another city, the dad goes to Home Depot, buys 825 worth of rocks,

they fucking sell. I mean, it must be, I don't know. It's a fucking lot of rocks, so. It's a lot. He got little baggies and shit with stickers on him, you know what I'm saying? And they have it down to a fucking science. He probably makes more money than I do doing sold out theaters at the end of the day. He's got a fucking credit card machine.

Yeah, I've got better. Thank you. It's unbelievable. You are a fucking genius. It doesn't make sense, but in every way, creating, marketing, fucking profiting, every single thing you're doing absolutely correctly. It doesn't make sense. You are supposed to be like, ghetto. You're supposed to be like, I don't know. There's this business that's supposed to slinging dope, Rox.

Yeah, I'd be thinking of it, you know what I'm saying? Yeah. All that shit I wasn't good at turning into something that I could look, you know what I'm saying, really good at and make positive net worth. God damn it. Look at that. Look at it make positive net worth. God damn it. Look at that. Look at that.

Positive net worth. I know words like that. I know words like that. Net worth, listen. Net worth. Net worth. Yes, this is the life of Cam Patterson. Cam, did you switch your sweatpants before you got on stage?

Yeah, I did. I thought so. Yeah, great ones already. You got great sweatpants on you got on stage? Yeah, I did. I thought so. Yeah, I had gray ones already. You had gray sweatpants on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Everybody was looking at my dick print. I didn't want that to happen. So I decided to put on a regular sweatpants.

We saw Ari's dick print when he came out. Pretty incredible. Pretty in... I'm gonna have trouble getting over this rock situation. It's crazy. That's great. If the IRS is listening, he lied about everything. Oh. -♪

-♪ Whoo! Whoo! Tax-free. -♪ Cam, you're a fucking murderer. You did it again. I love it. You're rolling with the fucking punches in every single fucking way. You know the funny shit? Yeah.

My dad, the first person to call me about their pizza, he said, you pitted a joke. And I was like, no, they said, you pitted a joke. You did it. That was it. That's what my dad says to me, too. I love it. You know, most people in your situation don't have a fucking way. That's what my dad says to me, too. Yeah. I love it.

You know, most people in your situation don't have a dad calling them at all, so you're very lucky. You're very lucky. You're very lucky. You're very lucky. You're very lucky. There he goes, ladies and gentlemen, the cold-blooded assassin. Cam, the repeater, Patterson. There he goes.

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Plus ExpressVPN works on all my devices. I can use it on my phone, TV, computer, whatever. So I can watch whatever I want, everything from Netflix to only fans without the whole world knowing it. I love being able to watch anything anywhere while my information is being kept private. That's true. I just binged it's always sunny even though it's not usually available on Netflix. How? I used ExpressVPN to switch my location to the UK. Fargo isn't on Netflix, ExpressVPN to Canada, and there it is. Cowboy Bebop, French Netflix, boom, it's so easy. I can literally go to more than 100 different countries and watch basically whatever I want

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He goes on to the next one out of the bucket again as you've seen anything can happen with these bucket pools Make some noise for Robert Lee everybody. Robert Lee. Here he is. What's going on, y'all? Y'all having a good night, Mother ship? Good, because I've been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty. And if you haven't got your 6,400 from the government,

what are you doing? Ha ha. Love impressions, yo. Hey, we got any Taylor Swift fans in here? Yeah, any? I'm almost positive she already has a song that rhymes Travis Kells, something else, NFL in the middle, CTE and Remember Me, you know? I can't wait for her to just date a black guy

so she could just come out with a mad rap album or something. Somehow she's able to rhyme the word trigger, you know. Hey, that's her, not me. I love my wife, been with her for 12 years. But we're not traditional Mexicans because obviously we don't have kids. But the thing is, you know we're Christians,

not Catholics, we don't breed as fast, you know? So... Ah, thank you, I've been robbed. Holy shit, man, wow. God damn. Robert Lee, welcome, welcome. Why the Schwarzenegger is telling cars? I don't understand.

Of all the places to put them into. Why would it be a car? It's my favorite guy, I love that shit. And why do Christians not make babies like Catholics? I'm confused at that too. Oh, Catholic Christians, I mean Catholics versus Christians, they breathe faster and they touch little boys, so I just thought it would get across.

Nope. Nope. Uh. Your jokes about Christianity Catholicism did not get across. So Robert Lee, how long have you been attempting stand-up comedy? About six months, actually. Six months. Yes, sir. Where at? Just at Antonio doing some bars and clubs wherever I can get in. You feel good after you do it?

Well, sometimes they're good. Sometimes they're bad. It's a lot of minutes among minutes. It's one of those jokes in that minute that you do that gets laughs? Well, it gets attention. And then I try, you know, I get attention. You mean they're paying attention to you

when you're doing it? Yeah, well, most of the time it's loud crowds, loud bars, so I try to be as louder than them to get their attention first. And then, you know, see if I can push forward from there. Okay, okay. Ari likes you. Doesn't always win.

Ari likes you because you're the peers of though you're wearing an extra mega yarmica. It's a hat. That's too small for the ads. I had to small for my head. Look at Toyota hat. Yeah, my wife used to work for Toyota for a while. She used to be mechanic or she is but used to work for Toyota. Your wife's a mechanic. Yes, sir. Yes, that's hilarious. She should fix that act. Yeah. Hey, at least I don't have to get out of the car

to change the tire no more, man. I'm the pretty one. You're the pretty one? I hope so. Oh fuck. Oh my god. Okay. How devastating would it be if his wife left him

for a heavyweight champion? What happened? Hey, after he gets that surgery, dude, How devastating would it be if his wife left him for a heavyweight champion? It could happen. Hey, now he's lived up to his name, huh? After he gets that surgery, dude, he might be fucking be ballin' outta control. Uh, Robert, what's the greatest quality about you? Uh, I mean, not to be gay, but I love the fuck outta my wife and all my family, like, shit, I'm the most loyal person you actually fucking meet. Well, it's easy to be loyal when absolutely nobody wants to fuck you, isn't it?

I had my time, but I met my wife young. Yeah, we've been married for, like I said, like 12 years. How old are you now? 30. So 18, damn. Yeah, so yeah. Have you ever fucked anybody other than your wife? High school, some college, I mean...

Also some cheating here there, right? You can cut this part out. There's a couple months we don't talk about in there, but it's all right. Okay. What are those couple months? Yeah, I love to talk about it. I like the beginning, just the beginning.

You were goofing around a little bit? I was goofing, I found out she goofed after. I took it harder than her, obviously. But. I doubt that. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Yeah.

Oh. Thank you. Oh. Oh. Oh. Thank you. Okay, Robert. Any special skills or talents other than stand-up comedy?

You know, I play a lot of Yu-Gi-Oh. You play a lot of what? Yu-Gi-Oh, Pokemon, flag football. Oh, shit. Here's the little joke book. I got to get you out of here, dude. There you go, Robert Lee. There he goes. Get out of here, Robert. Jesus Christ.

Oh my God. What did Yu-Gi-Oh get a massive boo? What? What did Yu-Gi-Oh get a massive boo? I don't know. These people don't fuck around, dude. These people do not fuck around. How many of you like it when people do good on this show?

How many of you like it when people do bad on this show? Yeah. You must be having the time of your life tonight. I like it when people do bad on this show. Yeah! Yeah! You must be having the time of your life tonight. Make some noise for your next bucket pull. Sean Stewart, everybody. The Kill Tony debut, I do believe, of Sean Stewart. Howdy, y'all.

So I'm from Austin, but when I grew up here I consider myself somewhat of a pacifist and I think that's because when I grew up I was somewhat of a fat ass, but either way I was never much of a fighter. In fact my records one-in-one, but I saw recently the kid that kicked my ass back in middle school had made it onto the news recently, had a whole article written about him. Got hit by a fucking train. That shit was bittersweet.

Because the best part, I can talk all the shit I want now. The worst part, probably his fucking funeral. Had to be a closed casket. Broke up with my ex after she got hit by a train also. A black train. A black train. A black train. A black train.

A black train. A black train. A black train. A black train. A black train. A black train. A black train. A black train. A black train. A black train. Okay, Sean Stewart. Alright. That was the worst episode of Prairie Hoke in behind the end.

Howdy y'all. Here we go. So believe it or not, that wasn't the worst set of the night. Good news for you, Sean Stewart. It was fucking terrible, but not even the second worst set of the night. But it wasn't even like there were jokes that didn't hit. It just wasn't jokes. Right. Literally not a joke.

There was an attempt at a joke, kind of, with the black train, but it wasn't really like... It was like the cliff notes of his therapy. Yeah. I can talk all the shit I want now. I always thought it was kind of funny. I mean it actually happened. Uh-huh. That's cool. That's fun. Okay how long you been doing stand-up? About three or four months now. Three or four months. Where at? Only here in Austin. Okay what made you want to start stand-up three or four months now. Three or four months, we're at. Only here in Austin. Okay, what made you wanna start stand-up three or four months ago? Ah, mainly like the show and like, I thought kind of that comedy was dead

after like 2016 and that whole Trump era. And- You thought comedy was dead? Well, I thought it like, you can't really make like, joke making fun of dead people that got hit by trains early anymore. And you said, I also won't? Ah, no, and then I kind of...

I saw a kill Tony and like kind of like, eggy, making fun of people jokes coming back and I was like, all right, well, I guess I'm a bully, so. Okay, are you a bully? I've been on both sides when I grew up. I got bullied and I bullied, so I think it's like even. Who do you bully? Um, bullied like the Minecraft kids in middle school.

Ah, how about UG? Uyo. Nah, Uyo was cool in like elementary school. Yeah, so cool. Oh shit, here we go. Here we go. You're getting dude, Sean. This is a ruckus of a crowd tonight. The double pitle fingers from some guy wearing a Yankees hat. Sean over here. Don't bully him. Don't bully him. This guy's this guy's demeanor is something I've never seen it before. He's very comfortable. It's

not that I'm just up here doing nothing. It's that also I've got seen it before. He's very comfortable. It's not that I'm just up here doing nothing. It's that also I've oftentimes thought of becoming here doing nothing. I thought why not come to do nothing for you people? I'm just going to say racist jokes like Ari Shafir. He doesn't just do racist jokes. That's not even true. Oh, another viewing.

Sean, give us a redeeming quality about you. What's going to make the room like you right now? I like rock climbing. Oh, Jesus. About two years ago, I started going back to church. You go to church every Sunday? I kind of stopped when I got a girlfriend. Okay. Yeah.

That makes sense. Yeah. God gave you a girlfriend and you stopped going to church. No, she wasn't from the church, actually. Huh? She wasn't from the church. Right. But I mainly started going to church because, like, I was out on 6th Street after getting broken up with. And my buddy was like,

Sean, you don't want to meet a girl out here. Come to church with me. And so I started going to church for two years. Wow. Mm-hmm. OK. Sean. Sean.

What are you afraid of? Um... Blacks. OK. There he goes. There he goes. Sean Stewart. We're going to keep it moving.

We're going keep it moving. We're gonna fly through a lot of people here tonight. What the fuck is going on back there? Okay. Okay. How about a hand for John Dees, everybody? Yeah. Yeah. Okay, we're gonna get back to this bucket pool bullshit in a second. I guys have been unbelievably bad today. Yeah, it is incredible. This next comedian is neither a regular nor

a golden ticket winner. He is either despised or loved by the Kiltoni fan base. I like to give him a spot every once in a great while because he's so funny offstage. And lately, slowly, we have been watching him transition into being able to be funnier onstage. I present to you, ladies and gentlemen, a brand new minute from the gonna be a great dancer. I'm gonna be a great dancer. I'm gonna be a great dancer.

I'm gonna be a great dancer. I'm gonna be a great dancer. I'm gonna be a great dancer. I'm gonna be a great dancer. I'm gonna be a great dancer. I'm gonna be a great dancer. I'm gonna be a great dancer. I'm gonna be a great dancer.

I'm gonna be a great dancer. I'm gonna be a great dancer. your almond milk ain't making everybody trans. All right? Well, we used to have a hole in 2%. Everybody had strong bones and we had regular gays. And boy, they're getting hard of spot, aren't they? I'm messaging back and forth with this girl from Miami, right, what I thought was, girl, you know, she said, hey, I do the only thing, I'm gonna send some of my content now.

I said, oh, come on, right? She didn't send it to me the next morning, she sent me a text saying, oh, shit, I did not send that to Uncle Leslie, I sent that to my Uncle Mike. I said, thanks, give's gonna be weird now. She then, she goes, I was like, but you know, like your parents know you do the only fan.

She said, you should be all right. She goes, yeah, but they don't know how to transition. And I said, what do you mean? Like, ain't a lead a vaginally? Like, what are you talking about? She said, oh, you didn't read my bio? I said, bitch, I don't fucking read. But we'll see. Ha-ha-ha!

Whoo! Uncle Lazy. With a new minute. A few jokes peppered in there. I almost don't recognize the show with jokes. It's been such a crazy night. A lot of fucking bombardiers up here. I was like, if I can't follow that, I need to just go fucking sit on it, you know what I'm saying?

Like, if I can't beat that, I just need to kill myself, sit out and traffic. Right. Absolutely. What is that thing you keep doing with your tongue? What's going on there? You become more lizard-like every time you come on the show. Well, I've seen Ari's nuts up there in a time you tell you what. Uh-oh, look at that.

It's a real sauerkraut of a situation for a Jewish man down there, you know? Tom Ma. Uh-oh. look at that. It's a real sauerkraut of a situation for a Jewish man down there. He don't talk about, uh-oh. He keeps that motherfucking thing on him. Oh my God. Uncle Lizard is here. Oh Jesus Christ. Oh my God.

Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God.

Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Yeah! Oh my God. Oh my God. Absolutely incredible. Has a doctor ever told you what's going on with that testicle? It's got skittles in it. Look at it, it's got skittles in it.

That ball is shaped like the heavyweight champion of the world. It's got shelves. There's veins. Oh my God, don't pull on him like that. Why are you so rough with it? Oh my God. The most sold out show in comedy,

and this is what goes on at it. We'll be right back. D-Madness just said he's glad he's blind. Yeah. D-Madness has no idea what's going on right now, whatsoever. But he knows that something is not right. He can suspect, I do believe there's a smell or something that perhaps he picks up on.

A certain energy. The ball's hurting your leg, watch out. Okay, red band. Red band, very good red band. The one drops the balls like red band. So Uncle Laser, here we are. Good all my milk joke though, that was great. Thanks, bro. Thank you.

Yeah, you're doing it, dude. It's very impressive. You're out on the road doing a lot of shows and coming up with new material, and it's fun to have you come on and show everybody what's up. You are a, you know, a lot of people early on, they're like, oh, that's Tony's buddy, what's going on? He's just seems like a character, this and that. And you're kind of fulfilling this prophecy

that I wanted people to see of what happens when somebody with a good stage presence and a good performer energy gets better at writing and performing stand-up comedy. And you're a prime example of that. Thank you. Because those early minutes, early on, I mean, at writing and performing stand-up comedy. And you're a prime example of that. Thanks. Because those early minutes, early on, I mean, holy shit. Ducks.

Holy shit. And you didn't use your drug use as an excuse, like some people did here tonight. You know, you were just doing drugs and bombing, but you didn't have excuses. You worked at it, and here you are, a good new minute, rock fucking solid. How about a hand for Uncle Laser, everybody?

Thank you guys. Thank you guys. Thank you guys. Thank you guys. Thank you guys. Thank you guys. Thank you guys. Thank you guys.

Thank you guys. Thank you guys. Thank you guys. Thank you guys. Thank you guys. Thank you guys. Thank you guys. Thank you guys.

Thank you guys. Thank you guys. Thank you guys. Thank you guys. Thank you guys. Thank you guys. Thank you guys. Thank you guys. Thank, but according to you guys, you guys like to watch people struggle up here. Make some noise for Dustin Horton, everyone. Here he is. I'm a firm believer that the pain that we go through in life

and the trauma that we endure ultimately defines us as people. That being said, I've been to state prison, I've lost a father to suicide, I've overcome drug addiction, I've also had a cucumber at my ass. I'll let you all decide which was the most traumatic to me. So, no, I didn't need to go to prison to get raped. No, I just need a little bit of Molly, decent buzz, a dominating girlfriend, and clearly I'm a willing participant.

But the pain that my ass will endure during that experience, it was nothing compared to the look on the neighbor's kids' faces when they came out to go to school that experience, it was nothing compared to the look on the neighbor's kid's faces when they came out to go to school that morning, and they seemed to get pegged with produce in the hot tub. That's gonna stick with both of us for life. Promise.

Anyways. Woo! Jesus fucking Christ in the head. What the fuck is going on tonight? This is incredible. Are you crying? What's going on? Talk into the microphone. How long have you been trying stand-up comedy? This is my fifth set.

Your fifth set? Were the other ones in front of human beings, or are you a car guy? The last comedy? This is my fifth set. Your fifth set. Were the other ones in front of human beings, or are you a car guy? The last one was actually at the mothership about an hour ago. Okay, you got on the open mic here. Yes.

Randomly selected, and how did that go? It went well, actually. Really? Oh, fucking way! Really. What did you do there? What did you talk about? Was it that minute?

It was that mixed with another minute about a broken leg and shit my pants. Was it the other minute, the part that was funny? Did you do the unfunny minute here? Or was that the funniest minute out of the three minutes that you did in the other room? Were you getting both these together for your big road too?

I think I just tried to combine them and do the best I could with the experience of how old are you? I'm 37 and you're just starting stand up now what made you want to start this now? This cocktail of trauma that I've tell us about the trauma tell us tell us we want to fucking hear it. What do you want to hear about your dad? You want to hear about my dad? Three years ago, he blew his brains out high on crystal meth. Okay. Did he leave a note? He did not leave a note. No, he did not leave a note. And the autopsy said he was on crystal meth. Are you just guessing we were told by neighbors? You were told by neighbors that he was on crystal. I didn't live

anywhere near him. Did you communicate with him at all before his death? Not as much as I should have, no. You feel a little bit of regret? Yeah, definitely. We have good news for you. Here on the line, we can communicate directly with people that are in hell.

And here we go. Hold on a second. Let it ring again. Okay, here we are. We're through. We've gotten through on the hell line. Speak to your father. Speak to him.

Hey, Dad. How's it going? That's what you wanted to ask your dead father. Who's in hell? How's it going? What the fuck were you thinking? What the fuck were you thinking? Okay, let's see if he has an answer for that. Let's see what we got here.

Hold on a second. Yes. Oh, wait. That's Satan trying to interrupt. Hold on a second. Okay. Well, it's not working. The communication isn't working with your father.

It never did. I think he killed himself again. There you go. Okay, tell us about real trauma. Your dad that you didn't even talk to blowing his brains out. That could be your fault, by the way, for not reaching out. Yeah. Where's the rest of that meth?

You kind of caused that yourself It wasn't the crystal meth. It was your lack of communication. What did you go to state prison for? Yeah, that's good one. Oh So me and a group of friends actually stole really annunciate into that microphone Me and a group of friends actually stole lobster and beer from a restaurant near my house actually stole lobster and beer from a restaurant near my house. Lobster and beer? No, no, that's not state prison. You're not black. That's not state prison. I'm serious.

I'm dead serious. I got two to six years with a boot camp. For lobster and beer? Lobster and beer. How much fucking lobster and beer did you steal? We robbed a restaurant across from my house. It was during a nighttime when there was nobody there. I got charged with a class

D felony in the state of New York and I did a two to six year sentence. You did a what? Two to six year sentence. How long did you serve? I went into this boot camp program, so I got sent to this prison boot camp basically for nine months. For lobster, where did your friends get? Well most of them got six months, five years probation because they finally believed it. I don't believe it. It seems like there's something more to it.

Lobster and beer. He stole a lot of lobster and beer. That's what he's saying. How much lobster did you steal and how did they, how were they able to find you? They caught us because the restaurant keys to beer. We did beer. We did beer. We did beer. We did beer. We did beer. We did beer. We did beer.

We did beer. We did beer. We did beer. We did beer. We did beer. We did beer. We did beer. We did beer.

We did beer. We did beer. We did beer. We did beer. We did beer. We did beer. We did beer. We did beer. We did beer. to his house. How did they find you? The cartons of restaurant beer boxes that were outside of our garbage, like, it was a party scene for a week after that.

Oh my God. Drinking restaurant beer. The cops were able to track it down. Easily, because there was a block away from my house. Oh, you're so stupid. I was 19. Unbelievable. How old are you're so stupid. I was 19. Unbelievable. How old are you now?

37. 37. My hell, the time flies. Okay, tell us more about this trauma supposedly. What do you do for work? Currently bartend. Okay, tell us more about why you think you ended up this way.

Because you look like, you look like, you could be the CEO of a company and you're just fucking kind of like having a day off, you're having a good old time. But on the inside, there's none of that going on. No, there's a lot of fucking, a lot of shit going on inside. It's like when somebody puts like one of those

Mercedes bodies over an Elantra or something like that. Yeah. You're also, you're homosexual, correct? I am not, no. No? No? You sure? How about in boot camp?

Did you come out of your shell? No, sir. No cracking any claws out there? No, I'm very straight. How straight are you? Explain to us the straightest thing you've ever done before. Not that easy of a question for a gay man, is it? I've just never even thought about that question. It's time to start thinking about it, buddy.

Now's the time. I only say it because you're definitely a homosexual. Yeah. Yeah. One second, you're shoving lobster up your ass in the next. You're trying to figure out what's straight about you. Your father actually, you know, knew you were a homosexual. That's probably why.

That's why he started the meth addiction, kept it a secret, just like you kept your sexuality a secret. And he also blew and gave head like you do, right at the very end. He gave head to the wall that was behind him. Jesus Christ. Oh, too sad. Oh, what fucking Shoney you think you came to? He's having fun. He's smiling, by the way. You know, these fucking Shoney you think you came to? He's having fun, he's smiling by the way.

You know these fucking people, oh you went too hard on him. You're having a good time right now, right? I'm so happy to be here. This is one of the best times of your life right now. Fuck yeah. Okay, straightest thing you've ever done. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Fuck three girls in one day. Whoa, fuck three girls in one day. That's separate? In high school, yeah. Wow, look at that.

My goodness, your dad would have been proud if you were in the middle of that. It's a real Liberace move, if you ask me. Yeah, yeah, what a fag. Okay. You have any special skills or talents other than stand-up comedy, which you don't have that either, but go ahead.

I'm a picture-framer you've put the frames on pictures I oh the crowd is turning on you did you not picture frames well spoken all right here's a little joke book my friend congratulations our next bucket pull is from the inside. I'm gonna say now to give him some time, make some noise for Colin Herkler, Hockler, Hortchler, Colin with a K, K-O-L-L-I-N. Oh, here he is right here. Okay. Easy breezy. This is one of your people. So they're representing you, tonight's audience. Colin Herkler, Hockler or something. Here he is, make some noise for Colin everybody.

Hi there. I wanna let you know I just ended my weight loss journey. Turns out, I know I look like Osama Ben Eaton, but turns out I'm going to be ugly either way. I'm skinny or fat, so may as well enjoy it. Little bit about my family. My little brother is a corrections officer. Just got accepted into the police academy. And we're having dinner the other night

and he's telling me about it and so proud of him. He's doing it, he's living his dream. But in my other hand is the money I'm using to buy the drugs he steals off inmates. So... My sister is an alcoholic postal worker with access to firearms. There's no punchline.

It's our family's cry for help. Her story's not over, but it guaranteed end in tragedy. That's all I got. Okay. Colin Hoechler. Pretty bad. Not a minute. Pretty bad.

How long have you been doing stand up? First time in about a year. First time in about a year? How long are you doing it? The year that you stopped doing it? Two years two and a half. Okay. So you did about two and a half years of stand-up comedy took a year off and now you're back. What made you realize you should quit? Work picked up. What was the work? I test safety equipment for electrical companies. Okay, you ever get shocked? A little bit. Yeah, every once in a while. All

right. What's the you almost ever die? No, no, most interesting thing about you. I'm getting the feeling that I'm about to start moving really fast through bucket pulls. We might go turbo mode here because... Turbo mode. Yeah, I think so. You're talking so much about it, that they're uninteresting on top of it. Totally, totally. We've had this happen before and sometimes I just get in a mood

and I get frustrated with everybody kind of just, oh, I don't do it. I did it five times, oh, I only do it in my car. Oh, I fucking, you've been here tonight. You've been on the inside of this room. What did you think of all the bucket pools tonight? Yeah, they were pretty bad. Yeah, I was hoping to do better. I think it was good. Oh yeah. Yeah, 100 percent. Homosexual. Yeah. Right. Yeah.

Most interesting thing about your entire life. I'm a licensed gunsmith and an ordained minister. I do a lot of wow. It's a good one to combo. Yeah. Welcome to Texas. Yeah, where you live. No, I'm actually from St. Louis, Missouri, St. Louis, Missouri.

You're straight. Yeah. You kind of have a little twang in your voice. I'm from St. Louis. Oh, you hear that? I mean, straightest thing about you. I did have a threesome with two actual human females in Mexico. Wow. Look at that. Two human females. Good answer.

We have a quick one too. Yeah. Very quick answer. Not pondering up here like fucking Dustin Horton. What is straight? Yeah, I'm from St. Louis, Missouri, and I had sex with, I had a threesome in Santa Anita, Mexico. She was so sweet. You know you have gay asses. I have gay asses. You're a very straight man, but you have gay asses. Okay, well...

I have gay asses. At least I'm learning about myself. What's so gay about my asses. You're a very straight man, but you're gay asses. Okay. I'm gay asses. At least I'm learning about myself. What's so gay about my asses? I don't have gay asses. What kind of disease does that? You're gay ass. I got a gay ass if anything. I came down with a case of gay asses.

Who you here with from St. Louis? My friends over there. He's trying to make a strong ass now. My friends. Yeah. My friends. You mean your fram? My frams.

There you go. All right. OK. Well, Colin, congratulations. That was an all right attempt at a minute. I have run out of small joke books and that is as good as you would possibly get. Maybe perhaps Bones Eye has another one

or something like that. We're gonna fly through it. I have another one. We got both of those people. We got both of those people ready to go back here. Okay, we're gonna fly through it. You guys wanna fucking go turbo round? It's been a long time. Okay, going up gonna fly through it. You guys wanna fucking go turbo round? It's been a long time.

Okay, going up first, 60 seconds, and then perhaps the fastest interview ever. For Dubbs General, everybody, 60 seconds from Dubbs General. We're gonna fly through it till somebody kills. Here's Dubbs General. I like dark areolas. I don't like clear nipples.

The reason I don't like clear nipples, I can see a heartbeat, bitch. Don't wanna see a heartbeat while I'm fucking, you understand? Any Florida people here makes a noise for Florida? Woo! It's that fuck Florida? Fuck your mama.

All right, listen. Florida, going to Georgia is a huge Confederate flag. I don't lie to my children. I'm in a car, my daughter says, daddy, what's that? I said, they found a way to say nigger. What I was saying, nigger. My son, nine years old, goes, what does that mean? I said, shh, listen.

Ffff. Niiigoooo. White people's okay to laugh. Niiig, oh, one. Um. There you go, I'm gonna stop you right there, dubs. You got caught up in a turbo round tonight. You randomly got selected during a turbo round.

Most interesting thing about you before I let you go. Most interesting thing about me is that I'm a single dad and I take care of my kids. Boring! Wow, it's amazing. You know, stereotypes are real when it's like that's a shocking thing. I take care of my kids. Alright. I figured that would be like that. Well, we're gonna fly through more bucket. Are you anything for fucking White Clef gone over here?

Oh, nice. You're a Giants fan? I am a Giants fan, unfortunately. Nice. Yeah, I don't know if I'm great this year. I'm a Giants fan of good comedy a Giants fan, unfortunately. Nice. Yeah, they're not that great this year. I'm a giant fan of good comedy and we haven't seen any tonight. It's one of those nights. Yeah. Got the Hollywood comedy. Doing five years. Okay. Five years in Florida. Not all in Florida. No. Tampa. Tampa. Where I opened for you not two years ago. What do you mean you opened for me? So last time I was on the show, you said, do you want to open for me in Tampa? And I had you open for you not to two years ago. What do you mean you open for me? So last time I was on the show, you said do you want to open for me in Tampa and I had you open for me. Absolutely. Where was that at a comedy club? Yes, sir at the one show two shows. Okay, two shows in one night. How did

that go? Went well. The first one went really well. The second one not so much so much and that's all it takes. Yeah, well, it was 18 year olds. It was a difference of the crowd. No drink. Eighteen year olds. Yeah, well, it was 18 year olds. It was a difference with the crowd. No, drink in this story, 18 year olds. Yeah, the second show was 18 and up. The first show was 21 and I don't know how that works. This is crazy. This was two years ago. Yes, man. I have no memory whatsoever. When you were at Tampa, you were like, this is the horrible room because the ceiling was so high. It was like a theater. Was it the was it the improv? Yes, it was the improv. I remember that.

Steve Simone was on those shows. Am I correct? Yes, sir. Okay, I do remember that. Yeah, you didn't do good. The second... I remember now. And I did.

I did. You had a good, you had a good minute the first time you were on. You said you were from Tampa. I was going to Tampa. I had you do it. And ever since then, I've barely let, you actually ruined that for a lot of people. I barely let anyone open for me from the show since then. Yeah, you can't judge a person just off of a minute.

What's your name? Doves General. Doves General ruined it for everyone. For the worst Tampa jokes in town called 1-800-DUBBS-GENERAL-NOW. There he goes, we're doing a turbo round. There goes Doves General, everybody. Next one's from the inside, Sergio Guzman. You're in the middle of a show. jokes in town called 1-800-DUBZ-GENERAL now. There he goes, we're doing a turbo round.

There goes DUBZ-GENERAL, everybody. Next one's from the inside, Sergio Guzman. You're next. We're gonna keep going until somebody fucking kills. How does that sound? Well, we might be here all night. Is that okay? It might be the longest episode ever.

Is that all right? Here we go. He's from the inside. He's one of you you Sergio Guzman going on he is right I'm not him that's true wait what do we go out of order I was backstage wait we did pre pull two names we did so you're Zach but Kovic yes sir yeah okay well we have to make sure that the person that comes out is

the name that I call for Sergio your next Sergio your next this guy's acting like fucking Sergio Guzman he's a fucking fraud I pulled two names that was those are going to her bow round I pulled two names at once because we're going turbo look like no Sergio Guzman. I know, I agree. That is weird that you didn't acknowledge that you weren't Sergio. There's a guy in the room yelling, wait, that's me. Hey, no, you ain't him, that's me.

First of all, there's a lot of Sergio Guzmans. I like how that guy had to wait until he saw who it was. He's like, that's not me. Wait a second, it... I know, I see, that's not me. I'm me. Wait a second. No, I see. That's not me. That's not me. Ladies and gentlemen, 60 seconds uninterrupted.

Sergio, you're next. This is Zach Butkovich, everybody. Zach Butkovich. Sweet. What's up? I just went on a date with a girl recently, and she asked me when the last time I got tested for STDs was I was like are you serious?

never Yeah, I treat STDs like I treat poison ivy if I ain't itch and I ain't fucking got it And either way I should probably quit fucking in those bushes Yeah, I've been I haven't been in like a, in like a relationship in a couple of years and my buddy told me he was like, yeah, dude, that's cause you're gay. He said, yeah, dude, you're single cause you're gay. And just to prove to him I wasn't gay, I sent him a video of me jerking off through a woman. Yeah, I was like, who's fucking gay now, dude? I'm fucking jerking off through a woman.

You're watching me jerk off. What could be gayer than that? All right, I think that's it. That's good. 55 seconds. That was good. That was good, Zack. Sergio! Sergio! Sergio! Sergio Sergio Sergio Sergio OK Sergio's next. Zack that was good.

That was actually thank you. How long you've been to and stand up three years in October. Where I started in St. Louis and where do you live now here in Austin? How long? Go to move here. I moved here in April April. What do you do for a living? I work at Home Depot, I stock and order their wood mold.

Just like a Sergio Guzman would. Right? Yeah, actually. Actually, met Sergio at Home Depot, that's crazy. Yeah, there's a few of them there. Okay, so you're working at Home Depot. That's fun. Tell us more about your life.

Tell us, how do you end up like this? Well, I'm diabetic. Wow. Yeah. Your diabetics. Yes, I am. Diabetic of all the people that have been on this stage tonight. I'm the diabetic guy. It wasn't heavyweight champion or other fuck. There is no God. Yeah. It makes zero sense. You're diabetic. All the obese people are not diabetic red band not

diabetic as he sips a coke. Yeah, how's that soda taste red man? He loves it. He loves it. He's he's doing great. So how long have you been diabetic for? How did you end up like that? I got diabetes. It's been 12 years now. I got it when I was 15 and a half. How did you cut? Yeah, I got the kid kind, and now I'm an adult with it. So still have it. Wow.

Wow. Incredible. So you can't, how often do you have to check your blood? I check my blood sugar probably like five, six times a day. Wow. That is amazing. That is unbelievable. maybe like five six times a day. That is amazing. That is unbelievable. And what's the worst thing that happens to you? What happens?

What happens if you ate a slice of bread and had a camp? Chug the can of coke? I would have to take my syringe and my vial of insulin out and take a shot for it. Do it. Wow. Do it right now. It's in the bin backstage.

I should have kept it in my pocket. No, we don't get a syringe right now. Let's try without. Let's try with just do the shot. Can we take the syringe injected into Ari's left nut and pull on it and say I could. Yeah. Ari, would you be willing to do that? Oh, absolutely. Someone get my syringe. Someone get my syringe. Oh man. You're insulin. I'm in buying. All right. That's stupid. Anyway. Oh my God. Wow. So other than being diabetic, what else about you? Zach Butkovich up? You were bullied in high school. No, I was like kind of good at sports. I might not

have been good at sports. I was on the team, so everyone kind of liked me. So yeah, I didn't get bullied. I don't know, I tried to tell you guys, I was on here last time and Howie Mandel was up here. I tried to say I was, I got voted onto my high school school board when I was like 20 years old. Fresh out of high school. You guys hate that, that's terrible.

And you brought it up again. And I brought it up again. Wow. You thought Mandel was the brought it up again. Wow. You thought Mandel was the problem with that story. Yeah. Now I'm figuring out it wasn't. It was my, the me.

I say try a third time next time you're up here. Yeah. Yeah. They'll remember now. They'll remember now. I say try it a third time. No, I'm not going to do it. It's the Mandel effect.

OK, Zach. Anything else interesting about you before I let you go? Were you in turbo round right now? I'm in the turbo round. I'm diabetic. Okay, there you go. Zach Butkovich, everybody. You get a medium joke book. Congratulations, Zach Butkovich.

Ladies and gentlemen, representing the inside. It's the man you've been waiting for four minutes. I present to you the undoubtable Kill Tony debut of Sergio Guzman. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. I originally came out here with my balls out, but they're not as impressive as Ari's,

so I decided to put them back away. Any Joe Biden fans in the house? Thank God, I see one guy with his hands up, that's a pedophile. All right, let me see here, let me pull up my Kill Tony joke book. Let me use it for what it's used for. All right, kids these days have it tough, man.

It's such a confusing time to be a kid. Think about it. Your mom might be walking around with a huge cock. Your dad might be walking around with a nice set of tits. And your middle school libraries are trying to teach you how to suck and fuck both. All right? That was not the one. All right? Illegal immigration has gotten completely out of control something needs to be done We need to start sending people back my beautiful wife sitting somewhere over there. She's pregnant with our first born

She came here illegally send her back Well, I did that might be the best I. I think it probably was the best you got. Let me ask you something, did you buy that large joke book? I didn't, so last, I was on about a year ago, I bombed and then my wife came up and I was roasted for about 15 minutes about being gay. And then she earned us both a joke book because you called her up, she roasted me.

It did amazing. So she got the joke book. She got the joke, no, we both got one because you were generous right but she earned it I was just a lucky bystander she here tonight she's absolutely here really she's right over there we have a female comedian up tonight did she write a minute hold on a second band hold on what's her name Patricia Guzman ladies and gentlemen gentlemen, no doubt about it. I've been digging for a female comedian.

We went through 50 names. It's all dudes. I present to you the return supposedly. She's pregnant? I have no memory whatsoever. She's about to bomb for two. Now she's pregnant, yes. Oh yeah, she guys are Latino.

Here we go. A new minute from Patricia Guzman, everybody. That solves a lot of problems right there. Oh my God. Make some noise for Patricia, everybody. Thank you, I guess for letting me up here. Last time I was on the show, I made a bunch of jokes about my husband being gay.

Jokes on me, here I am a year later, knocked up with his gay baby. What a life I love my gay be. Not this page, okay. Immigrants these days have it way easier than I did when coming to the US. Nowadays they're handed a cell phone, a thousand bucks and told to fuck off.

Back in my day, they threw my four year old ass in jail. Before jail I had never seen a black woman before so being a four year old, I thought they were made out of chocolate. My face would light up in the shower and I would scream at my mom, Mom, it's chocolate women! Long story short, my mom would be terrified every time we would hit the showers,

because I wanted to lick them. That's it. Okay, Patricia. Adorable. An honest minute. I like that. Again, funnier than your man. Wow. So much funnier. How does it feel being the funny person in your relationship?

Oh my God, I'm so nervous being up here. How does it feel doing masculine or homosexual? I thought it feels horrible. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. My goodness. How long have you been with Sergio? 12 years this year. What's the gayest thing about Sergio? You know him very well.

I don't know. He doesn't like playing video games with me, so I make fun of him for that. It's raining, man! Okay. All right, he doesn't like playing video games with you. What else is gay about Sergio, Patricia? Come on, give us something good here. He likes to be a little spoon. Oh, Sergio!

I like being the big spoon, I don't mind. All right, absolutely, absolutely. That's a really good gay thing. Yeah. Yeah, good detail. You like being the little twin too. Oh yeah, yeah, I have a little Asian girl on your back, like you're like Star Wars, you know,

like with the Ewok and stuff. Oh yeah, that's great, totally. Totally, how long until the baby comes out, Patricia? I'm due July 1st. Okay. July 1st. And you're sure that it's Sergio's? Or could it be Zach Butkovich that got in there first?

I hope not. I hope it's not. Hey, that's not my baby! Hey. Hey. Hey. Get that baby out of here. Get that baby out of here. Get that baby out of here, is on my...

I'm Sergio Guzman. My goodness. What do you guys do for work? How are you going to support this little immigrant? I'm a personal trainer. You're what? I'm a personal trainer. Oh shit, okay.

What does he do? He's an account manager. Oh, an account manager. We're at enterprise right in the car. I didn't know that. I mean, I know that just gonna be personal trainers. Yeah, it's true. I'd rather not say some of my, uh, some of my co workers are friends of the show. So I've already considered myself fired. Okay. Very good. Sergio, very good. I know a guy that works at Home Depot that can help you out. Amazing stuff. Do you have any special moves in the bedroom? How did you get her so pregnant? You know, the real trick is you bend them over from the front side and you start eating their ass first. Right. And then you work your way down. Front side, so missionary position, feet over the head.

Yes. And then you eat her ass. And then you work your way up. Latina salad if you will, the old fucking papaya salad. Exactly. Last time you were on you said we owned a Mexican food truck. You owned a Mexican food truck? Last time we were on you called us two Mexicans

that owned a food truck. So that was accurate, that was accurate. Okay. Do you ever do it straight doggy style? Last time we were on you called this two Mexicans that own a food truck so that was accurate. That was accurate. Okay Do you ever do it you ever do it stray doggy style? I mean obviously that's standard. Yeah. Yeah, okay, so is this your first kid? Yes What are you gonna name it? Oh? Larry on shut the fuck up Larry on fuck is wrong with you. O'Leary on your best friend pick the name your best friend is fucking with you.

O'Leary on that's like a prescription medicine or something like that. Yeah. Red Band very good. Red Band book ending the episode with two great jokes. The two biggest applause breaks of the night going to Red Band. For those of you that had that on your bingo cards, you win $2.5 billion. If you bet $1, you win $2.5 billion on Red Band getting the two biggest applause breaks of the episode. Absolutely unprecedented incredible. This is a new era of the show. It's on. Larry. What does that mean?

Why would you just said okay best friend? I'm fucking retarded whatever you say best friend. This is best, the financier of this baby or something? It's been his best friend. It's been my husband's best friend for like ever or so. And he said Olerion? Olerion. Yeah, it's a Black Guy's name. It's a strong name.

Hey, Olerion the lion. Biggest sword! Hey, Olerion. He's gonna grow up to one day be in a sex team with their Kardashian. Yeah. Oh my God. Oh, Le'Leon! He's gonna grow up to one day be in a sex team with their Kardashian. Yeah. Oh my God, what's the middle name gonna be?

Rafael. Rafael? Oh, Le'Leon and Rafael? Guzman. Wow, Guzman. Oh my God. Unbelievable. Enough of these fucking Mexican babies.

I'm kidding, shut up. Unbelievable. Enough of these fucking Mexican babies, am I right? I'm kidding, shut up. Oh, ele, ah, ele. Ele, ah, ele. My goodness gracious. So July 1st, that thing's coming, huh? Sergio, are you just blasting away inside of her until then? Does it just look like a fucking horchata machine down there?

What's going on? What are you doing? What's going on? It's just fucking... That's exactly right. We're on vacation tonight, so she's getting some horchata, if you know what I mean. Oh, shit. Hell yeah.

Are you horny or not? Are you pregnant? Wow. Oh, fuck. Even when you look at his face? I mean... Ari primed her with a hell of a set of bowls. So he did have to work for me.

Oh my goodness. That's incredible. How much hornier are you? Is there new things that you're into or you find yourself doing? I don't think so. New things that I'm into. There's no things that I'm into.

I don't know, like, I'm getting lotion rubbed on my belly. Oh, he's been rubbing lotion on you? Oh my goodness gracious, look at Sergio over here. Managing accounts and lotioning up fucking bodies. Wow, incredible. So you ever save a little lotion for yourself, Sergio? Only when she's asleep, only when she's asleep. Wow, okay, and then you think about dudes. Are you working?

Oh, yeah, okay. My goodness. What else can we do to put a ribbon on this? How about we change, can we change the baby's name to Tony Live on the Air? Can we just do that? Yeah. O'Larion sucks.

O'Larion sucks. You're doing me that kid. You're doing, first of all, I'll definitely go by Raphael. That's a beautiful black man's name. Yeah, but it's not black, John. I mean, we know that you're staying, but yeah. It's the name of a beautiful black man's name. Yeah, but it's not black John. We love that you're staying, but you have a beautiful black man. We got black Panther John these up here like. I think it's a beautiful name. It's a beautiful name. Yeah, it's a way better name. Yeah, Antonio Anthony, Javier

Yeah, Anthony, Anthony, Javier, Olerion Guzman. How about that? Oh, of course. It's absolutely beautiful. Will you change it to Anthony? We could work on it. Well, working on it doesn't work. You're blacklisted if you don't,

you're brownlisted if you don't do it. Wow. I'm throwing it around though. Oh! Okay, John. It's really not gonna work. It's not gonna be a full time thing here. Antonio. I like that.

I like that. I mean, why not give it an Antonio? I like Antonio. Antonio Guzman. Rafael Guzman. Antonio Rafael Guzman. Antonio Rafael Guzma. I like that, I like that. Let's make it official.

Let's make it official. There you go. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Let's make it official. Yeah, here we go. Yeah! Oh my goodness. Baby's first tea bagging.

Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Sergio doesn't know what to do. He's hard as a rock right now.

I dub thee, Antonio. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. I love it. Congratulations.

I think that guarantees I'll have a gay bee. I love it. Baby's first tea bagging only here on Kiltsony. How about one more hand for Patricia and Sergio Guzman, everybody. We did it. You made it through the turbo round. This one was a no go, right? We're done, right? Guys, there's only one way to fucking end an episode like this. There's no doubt about it. Finally, we've made it to the end.

We're gonna call Sergio and Patricia a kill so that we can put a ribbon on this fucking thing. Do you guys have fun tonight? No. Well, you're a great crowd, and for that, you shall be rewarded. I present to you the all-time record holder for minutes, for interviews, for everything that's ever been done before.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the St. Louis assassin, the Tornado, the Mississippi Moeller, the Gentrified Jeweler, the Vanilla Gorilla, the Memphis Strangler, the Big Red Machine. This is indeed the one and only William Montgomery. Hello, my name is actually Sergio Guzman, and I don't know who that bitch was, but I'm not gay, so... A lady who was a woman who was a woman who was a woman who was a woman who was a woman who was a woman who was a woman who was a woman who was a woman That bitch was, but I'm not gay, so... So... Uh... A lady who cut off her bosoms to become a man

just found out she's five months pregnant. It's kind of hard to follow, but I think that means he's gay. Pfft. Pfft. Kentucky is about to legalize killing homeless people, Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft.

Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft.

Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft.

Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. The world is black! Kentucky is thinking about legalizing sex between first cousins. They are also thinking about legalizing breathing. Okay, because I already have sex with first cousins. Okay, that's my time. Thank you. William writes out Montgomery, the gentrified jeweler the petty princess the petty I'd like that a lot of new Kentucky law jokes tonight. Where is this coming from? We're well. It's from I actually got horribly food poison Tony on Saturday

night. My father told me not to say the name of the place or they will sue me, but I know 100% without a doubt it's from these pieces of shit. I'm gonna say the name wrong, but it sounds something like Meatball Marinera, and it's not far from here. It sounds like Meatball Marinera, and Tony, I wake up on Sunday to a bunch of diarrhea in my boxers. Erica starts freaking out.

I start going to the bathroom. I take my boxers off to smell the diarrhea because it smells extra nasty. And I just, I wanted to smell it. And then it starts dropping out of my boxers all onto the floor. I get in the shower. I'm almost black out because I have no energy. I know vomiting several times in the trash can.

Tony was horrible and basically I found out those people who run the fucking place are from Kentucky. So this is a- Wow, what did you order from Meatball Marinera that made you this- I had the meatballs in marinara, honestly, that is what I had. And you would think if it's the fucking namesake,

it would be safety. But I had the meatballs and marinara and I also had the cheesy bread and Tony, I'll be the first to tell you, the food was amazing. It made me so sad the next day. When I find out it's from meatball marinara, it was really delicious food. Damn it, that is incredible.

A never ending love for meatballs. And this is very, very scary. Did they look anything like these meatballs right here? Can I see them? Oh, they're out right there. Gosh, Ari, how are your balls so big? Are your balls big or are my balls small? I'm just trying to,

because my balls look nothing like your balls. Are you his big Tony? They are, not only are they big, and I mean, I have big balls as well, not to brag, but my balls are not full like that. They are normal, older looking, more deflated balls. These look like the balls of what appear to be like a superhuman 17 year old boy or something like that. Like wet sock and a bunch of Skittles. That's what they look like. It is absolutely incredible.

A lot of blurring on this episode on YouTube. Sorry to those of you that are watching at home that don't get to actually enjoy the voluptuous nuggets. These are these are the true Bucky's beaver nuts here. These things are incredible. It's amazing how big your balls can be when you keep all of the all of the coins you've ever gathered off the floor in your life inside of them they point they point to they point to us they're so big and crazy that every time you reveal them it's like a new set of

balls it looks like the heavyweight champion stomach it does those things fucking hang. I mean, oh my God, what'd you do? They're getting bigger by the second. Oh my God, absolutely unbelievable. I swear I threw up for the first time in years yesterday was horrible and I don't want to do. You want a little you want a little marinara on top of those William? What is

this place? I want to eat there. I want to eat at this place. It's really close by. What's it called? I'm going to call it me ball mirror nearer because my father says they might soon they're not going to tell me what it is. So you your dad's being a weirdo. It sounds similar. First of all, that was the wettest whisper I've ever had in my life. That was... even for me, that was disgusting. The old William Wet Whispers. www.www.com.

www.wetwhispers.com. William Wet Whispers. William Wet Whispers.com. How Wetwhispers. William Wetwhispers.com. Wetwhispers.com. How could they sue you for giving you diarrhea? Yeah, exactly. Your dad's incorrect about this. Your dad's a fucking idiot, dude! Don't bring my dad into this, okay?

Please, Tom! He has fucking arthritis in his foot. We thought, we were really worried about him last week. Don't hurry, please. Don't bring up Larry right now. He's been nothing but sweet to you. He said nothing but sweet things to your fucking ass. Why are you doing this? And I swear to God, I don't bring up Larry right now. He's been nothing but sweet to you. He said nothing but sweet things to your fucking ass. Why are you doing this?

And I swear to God, I don't really feel good right now. It's a damn good thing I felt better than yesterday because Ari, I thought it was the end of my fucking life. When I was in the shower, and I didn't tell my girlfriend this, but oh my gosh, I shouldn't say this right now. But actually, I was having such a hard time moving around. I swear I was about to black out that I diarrheaed in the shower.

Wow. Because I could feel it happening again. I shouldn't have even brought that up. I'm gonna have hell to pay for that. Yeah, Ari should fear. Hey, maybe this is wrong. Maybe this is a Jew in me, but I just thought of a great money making scheme for him for the road.

I need to find one, what? You need to sell diarrhea. Yeah. Oh, yeah, great idea. People are gonna buy diarrhea. Holy shit! Stick with the jokes, Ari! Oh my God.

Yeah, let me diarrhea in fucking containers and sell them to people. I'm not even gonna be able to get that shit on the airplane. As long as it's less than two ounces, you technically can get it on the airplane. You got to do it there. Don't try to get here and take it with you. Why would you die right ahead of time? I don't know. Have you thought about partnering up with meatball marinara? Perhaps a little sponsorship in order for them to make up for the trauma. I just eat there. That food that tastes are pretty good, but obviously is poisonous and yeah,

just say, hey, I'm going out on the road this coming weekend. Let me eat your fucking nasty. What's the actual name of the place? We'll beep it out. These people live audience deserves to know fucking suit. Yeah. Now you're messing with me. No, it's you'll be shocked. It's really similar to me. Ball mirror era. It's so just say it. Say it. Say you fucking weirdo. You have the free. Well, you have the free spinoff. Really? Yeah. Yeah. Jesus. Yeah, you read that out. That was bullshit. We're hard small family on business.

Just as you have a terrible constitution, you got to fucking ruin a mom and pop. Yeah, they got me sick as shit, so. Wow. Incredible. Birthday, yeah, I was fucking starting my birthday. I did two sets up here in the little room on Thursday night. I get back to my fucking car and have a boot on it. So welcome to William's 37th birthday.

It was such a fucking, yeah, tell me about it. It was a fucking sob story, the whole fucking weekend. It starts a $130 boot on the fucking car. I forget my jacket. I'm a fucking sob story the whole fucking weekend. It starts a hundred thirty dollar boot on the fucking car I forget my jacket. I'm freezing gold outside by the fucking cars So you're the one that wanted to spend your birthday in Austin You didn't want to go to Seattle Portland and Vancouver with me. You wanted to fucking take it off Oh, I want to chill Tony. Oh, yeah, I wanted to chill and then I get sick as shit Tony Yeah, that's what happens when you fucking don't work with me. Do you agree red band? No

improv. Goobroon Ryan red ban hard at work here in unbelievable comedy ignition. You said no to go on the road with Tony. Yeah, I chill. Yes, I chilled like I want to spend it with my girlfriend. I don't want to go to the road with Tony. Yeah, took a weekend off. I chill, yes, I chill, this is good. He's like, I wanna spend it with my girlfriend, I don't wanna be on the road. Okay, you stupid bitch, there's one stupid bitch that was saying something about poor baby, what do you even look like, you nasty bitch? I just wanna see what some stupid dumbass looks like

who's making that fucking noise. Oh yeah, exactly what I thought, God, look at your nasty fucking ass bitch. Oh, shit, he's being that fucking noise. Oh yeah, exactly what I thought. God, look at your nasty fucking ass, bitch. Oh, shit, he's being ruthless right now. What does she look like? Go back to the in-house! Oh, don't kick her out now. It's over.

You don't have to kick her out. Oh yeah, no, it's fine. No, no, no. Stupid bitch. Kick her out. Oh, he says kick her out. Kick her out. Kick her out. Get her out of here her out of here. There she goes.

The crowd goes wild. It's my fucking birthday, bitch! I'm only 37 once a month! I'm gonna be 38 next year! It may be nine after that, but I'm probably not making it up all dude. Oh, what happened? Michael was supposed to do the thing that he always does, but he's like waiting

for something. What? What? What just? What happened? You guys talking in your in ears or something? Oh, Jesus Christ. Those fucking in ears. Yeah. I mean, that was about to be the big send off for me tonight. Yeah, it really literally was. We were living on the episode. You guys are over here producing a new song.

Oh shit. Oh shit. I got a sweet little dog yesterday. It's been a long time, folks. I got a sweet little dog. She's here tonight. Oh, shit. And doing well.

She's here, y'all. Oh shit. You're doing well. Oh. Ah, I got the, she's an aerial, come on. Yes, sir, yes, sir. Hootie hootie hootie hootie hootie hootie hootie. Makes the noise for William Montgomery everybody, there we go. We did it again, we love him. Follow him, do it again. A badass drawing from Ryan G. Ebel of the great Ari Shafir is popping on your screen right now.

The balls are going away. Make some noise for Ari. Ari, anything you want to plug or promote? Man, it's just an honor to be part of this amazing show with so many fucking retards living on the outside. Absolutely. Every time I've done it, from the belly room to the main room to the Vulcan to here

to another place to kick you out to the fucking Madison Square Garden. What a journey it's been. And it's because of legit fucking comedians like you playing along all the way. We love them. Ari Shafir, everybody. Come on.

Joe Blaster, Red Rose, Yonah Rose, Hulloverham, Sam Smokalsson. On The Road Now. Connect Mobile Help. See him smoke out Stingers.com. Connect Mobile help. Let's see the drawing from Chris Rogers. Ooh, a Joker version of the Great Camp Patterson. I love that. How about one more time for the best damn band in the land?

Michael Gonzalez on the drums. The Madness on the bass. John Dees on the keys. And Matt Mueling. Epsilon out now, 020. John Dees.bandcamp.com, a red band. If you guys haven't seen Ari Shafir special, the Jew on YouTube, please check it out. I love it.

Check out Jew, you probably haven't, if you haven't, truly one of the best comedians in the world, Ari Shafir. One more time for Ari. We love you guys. Thank you. Good night everybody. I got big balls, I got big balls I got big balls, I got big balls I got big balls, I got big balls

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