KILL TONY - #653 - JOE LIST

Starting point is 00:00:00 Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.tv. And don't forget to check out everything Tony Hinchcliff at TonyHinchcliff.com. And the Sunset Strips, my new comedy club in Austin, Texas. Go to SunsetStripATX.com. And now, here's a brand new episode of Killtony. and at Madison Square Garden, the two night Super Mega event, the biggest in Kiltonys history travel. Go there, we'll see you there. And I am on tour with stand up comedy. Me and some of your favorite cronies from the show,

Starting point is 00:00:49 do our own stand ups. That's I'm gonna be in Cleveland, Ohio, Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, Boston, Massachusetts, Baltimore, Maryland, Salt Lake City, San Jose, Dallas, Houston, Texas, St. Louis, Missouri, Nashville, Tennessee, Fort Lauderdale, and Orlando. And then that is all of the stand up on the road I am doing until 2025. I'll be releasing that special just after May. We'll see you guys on

Starting point is 00:01:09 the road. Nothing but love here is another episode of Kill Tony. ლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლ Hey, this is Red Band Company Alive from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Get up for Tony Henscliff! Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives? Hey, it's Griffin everybody! Hi! Fuck, yes! You're at the number one live podcast in the world, Kill Tony. How you guys feeling? It's brought to you by Red Rose, the Yellow Rose, Gelblaster, CM Smokehouse, Austin Security Guard Service, NinjaBuses.com, the great Hall Law Firm,

Starting point is 00:02:46 Connect Mobile Health, where you get IV drips. How about one more time for the best damn band in the land, huh? That's the great Carlos Sosa on the horns, Raul Vallejo on the horns, Fernando Castillo on the horns, Michael Gonzalez on the drums, the horns, Michael Gonzalez on the drums, the mobile mailman, Matt Mueling on the electric guitar. Please, please, John B's on the keys. And here no evil, see no evil, D madness on the motherfucking bass guitar. The one and the only.

Starting point is 00:03:28 Here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made tonight's episode available for you here right now. ban secret show every Thursday. Go to sunset strip ATX.com for tickets. shambles and there has never been a better time to save money and cut back on expenses. For example, I used to spend over $100 a month on streaming services. Netflix, Disney Plus, Prime, you name it. But since I started using ExpressVPN, I've been able to cut back and save so much money every month. If you want to get way more shows and save money, go to expressvpn.com slash killtony. Don't forget to use our links so that you can get three extra months free. That's expressvpn.com slash killtony. Expressvpn.com slash killtony to learn more.

Starting point is 00:04:35 You guys all ready to start tonight's episode or what? Yeah! Every single week I present one of the funniest comedians in the world to be on this show I'm excited about this one. You know when it's somebody's first time on this show I always have them with other people kind of get the maclamated of the flow of everything This is one of the funniest and smartest and coolest stand-up comedians out of New York Amazing stuff coming from them. It specials out a bunch of great stuff

Starting point is 00:05:03 You guys are going to absolutely love him his first time rolling solo on kill Tony makes some noise for the great and powerful Joe list everybody yeah you can do better than that make some fucking noise or Joe list there you go There you go. Ba-da-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba- But you were on with Sugar Sean O'Malley. Yeah, yeah, oh, okay, sorry. Yeah, I was saying, when I have people on for their first time, I have them on with other people to acclimate them so that they understand the flow of everything. And now you're here.

Starting point is 00:05:51 I misunderstood, I thought you forgot about me. I almost killed myself back there. Nope. I told the guy, I'm like, I'm not going out, he forgot about me, I suck. I blew it. Joe, tell us what you got going on. What do you want people to go see?

Starting point is 00:06:04 Where's it at? Big show, Maynd Los Angeles Regent Theater fly in come out go see I'm up against Burr the crazy show Bill Burr Manus Calco Nate Bargassi they're all at Hollywood Bowl at the same time and my show's on skid row so I'm a little nervous on May 2nd I might bring in homeless people if no one comes, so please. Unbelievable, you're also one week before we do a fucking arena in Los Angeles, the LA Forum, May 10th. A little fun fact for you. The return to Los Angeles where it all started. So very exciting, we're going to your hometown,

Starting point is 00:06:39 beautiful Madison Square Garden, doing two nights, August 9th and 10th. Fuck you, that's a nice room, I've done it before. I opened it for somebody. I didn't sell it out, obviously. It's fun. It's a good room. It's legendary. We're very excited.

Starting point is 00:06:52 Kamen Ali played there. That is true. And Rowdy, Rowdy, Piper. Yes, they fought each other. They actually did. And actually, no, that was a separate thing, but they did, they did something. It wasn't at MSG, I think that was in the Philippines

Starting point is 00:07:10 or the Forum or something, it doesn't matter, who gives a fuck. Point is, you know how the show works, Joe, you guys know how the show works? Over 200 people signed up to be in this bucket, we'll let that one be the first bucket pull since fucking the wind blew it out. We're gonna go grab them from a bar across the street.

Starting point is 00:07:28 If I pull their name out, they get 60 seconds on interrupted, another time's up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up. Then they'll say bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. And then that means they have to wrap it up immediately after that, doesn't really apply for our regulars. We kind of let them do whatever they kind of want.

Starting point is 00:07:46 And the rest is history. You guys ready to start tonight's show? Yeah! Well, you guys are in for a very, very, very, very, very, special treat. Last week, we announced that Hans Kim, who's opened shows for almost three years continuously for us, is taking a hiatus until May when he battles Rick Diaz in the rematch at the

Starting point is 00:08:15 LA Forum for regular ships since Rick Diaz didn't have to write and perform a new minute every week until then we found it unfair that Hans Kim would have to. So last week we announced a brand new regular for the first time since Cam Patterson, a new regular who's going to start every show from now on. And this is his first scheduled opening of the show. Are you guys excited? Make some noise for the present and the future. It's the one and only, Casey Rocket. Tere tere Bradshaw Don't shh donononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononon All right. I see. Folks, researchers say there's two types of people

Starting point is 00:09:45 in this world. Sure, I know what you're thinking. Yeah, the researchers. But what do they say? They say there's two types of people in this world. The men who go to war and the women who love them. And if you ask me, ladies and gentlemen, there's three types of people in this world.

Starting point is 00:10:02 The men who go to war. The women. Oh, fuck! Who love them. And the third type of person, the type of guy who likes to cool down at night with a nice warm glass of tuss. Wow. Wow, making it look extremely easy getting the show started a brand new minute from the great and do I go through with the Terry Bradshaw? I wasn't sure if it was a pro Bradshaw room. Turns out it most definitely was. It definitely was, it's super topical coming fresh off

Starting point is 00:10:53 of the Super Bowl last night. People are thinking about Terry Bradshaw. He's fresh on the mind and you nailed it. Who could blame him? It's Bradshaw on the brain. Yep, that type of year. His photo is still getting passed around the room right now. By the way, I just saw it.

Starting point is 00:11:11 It is, it's being passed around. No one's selfishly holding on to it. It is being spread like absolute wildfire. A goddamn sensation. Casey Rocket has arrived. Joe List, have you seen Casey before? I have. Casey's the first comic I saw at Mother Ship

Starting point is 00:11:25 and I thought I was gonna see Joe Rogan, Tom Segura and this fucking lunatic came out. And I was like, oh, this is different. And my favorite thing is watching the people that did not get it, that was really enjoyable. Just these two are just baffled by this. So like, I hope this isn't all night and it was really fun. I'm a fan. It is amazing. He has he has this thing where if you don't

Starting point is 00:11:51 know him, it's kind of interesting. And then once you see him the second time, you're like, okay, and then it just increases from there over and over and over again. The more you understand that this is actually how this man operates on stage, the funnier it gets. The longer sets are some of my favorites because you could actually watch him lose weight during the actual set and just to let people know like he is being heavily restricted here. I mean he has drums directly behind him, a cliff to the right, a table to the left. But when this guy, when there's not a bunch of shit on this stage he uses the entire stage

Starting point is 00:12:28 the backstage the two wings I mean he goes absolutely everywhere famous for having a bunch of stuff on him including random print-ups of pieces of paper So, Casey, where do you get these printed at? Uh, hmm. Yeah, I go to Walgreens. Okay, a pointless sound effect, everybody. Okay. Big Walgreens crowd. Yeah, I go to hear that Walgreens pop every time. Yeah, I go to Walgreens and, yeah, I had to kind of explain to them what was happening.

Starting point is 00:13:05 My picture budget is through the fucking roof. Yeah. So honestly, yeah, 50, 60 bucks a week. They're only like a dollar each, so. Amazing, and you do. You go through all of these things, Joe. I feel like this is a big show. With time, you may be able to afford a printer.

Starting point is 00:13:24 Those ink jets are expensive. They add up, but I'll tell you what Casey, I actually dug into this information a little bit and my great producer, Yoni, found out that you get them printed at Walgreens and we went ahead and spent $200 on a Walgreens gift card. So this will get you through a couple weeks. I do believe of print ups.

Starting point is 00:13:52 That's right. Welcome to the Kilton universe, my friend. That's a real Walgreens gift card. He's getting emotional. For those of you just listening to the podcast, there's a tear in his eye. We've never seen him get this real before. This emotional music playing is happening in the moment.

Starting point is 00:14:14 Everybody's feeling it up here. The horn players are also crying a little bit. Their eyes are filled. Their eyes are filled with water. For those of you just listening to the podcast. If you're watching, close your eyes and let me describe you what's happening. Deep madness is actually crying, which is unprecedented because I don't believe he has tear ducts.

Starting point is 00:14:39 Something's flowing out of there. Perhaps there's a leaky ceiling or something like that. The room has gone emotional. There's a woman delivering a baby in the audience right now. She's gone into labor. The Walgreens gift card was just too overwhelming. Casey, how do you feel? How do you feel, Casey? $200 in Walgreens gift cards.

Starting point is 00:15:03 You know, when I was a kid... Um... And... And... My dad said, uh... Titty boy LaCroix, what are you... He used to... He would call me Lil' Tibs and...

Starting point is 00:15:23 He... But he loved me in his own way and he said what do you want when you grow up and I said $200 to Walgreens and he stopped me and he and he said shh and he said what do you want it for and I said I want to print out pictures of Terry Bradshaw and I want to print out pictures of Terry Bradshaw. And I want to print out pictures, not just of Terry Bradshaw, but... I want to print out pictures of John Hawks, okay? And I want to print out... I want to print out another picture of Terry Bradshaw! Is that so wrong?

Starting point is 00:16:04 Ah! Bradshaw. Is that so wrong? God, it's not about me, it's about you, it's about this country, it's about America. Wow. Oh, he's emotional again. Very emotional. Casey, that should get you through a couple weeks of printing pictures, $200 from the fine people over at Walgreens. You could not be more excited that you're part of the squad here, your first scheduled spot opening an episode of Kill Tony, where we're excited about next week and every week moving forward. I'm excited. It's an honor, guys. So fun. This is really, really cool.

Starting point is 00:16:41 Thank you. Make some noise for the great and powerful Casey. Thank you, guys. Oh, really cool. Thank you. Make some noise for the great and powerful KC-R. Rock and... Holy shit. And like that, it has begun. A partnership. At one point, considered unfathomable a union like this.

Starting point is 00:16:59 But the rocket has joined Kiltony. We found him out of the bucket. The same fucking bucket that we found Cam out of, that we found David Lucas out of, that we found Hans, William, everybody. So any one of these bucket pools could be the future of the show, or it could be a completely mentally ill person

Starting point is 00:17:20 who is threatening and dangerous to the core. Anything can happen. 60 seconds uninterrupted to your first bucket pool. Nico Casablanca's everybody. We're gonna meet them all together. How we doing mother ship? How we doing? Damn, I have to follow Casey Rocket. That is nerve-wracking. Anyways, I'm sure most of you guys saw the Super Bowl yesterday, of course. Reuben McIntyre with a beautiful rendition

Starting point is 00:17:53 of the national anthem. Give it up for Reuben McIntyre right now. Yeah, I don't know if you know that when she actually got announced, Biden had actually signed an executive order to change the national anthem. Yeah, to a single mom who works to jobs who loves her kids and never stops. So apparently she didn't get the fucking message either. So it's funny, but a yo, a happy birthday to the Baja blast fucking any Baja blast lovers in the crowd right now. Give it up, yo, 20 years old!

Starting point is 00:18:26 20 years old of Baja Blast. Nothing I love more than Baja Blast than fuckin' 20 year olds. So that's what me and fuckin' Leonardo DiCaprio have in common. And that and same the N word to Jamie Foxx. So that's my time. I'm Nico Cosab the blog is thank you guys

Starting point is 00:18:48 boo I knew the second he said following Casey rocket. Oh boy. What a predicament could have gone up after anything and that would have happened. Absolutely after anything and that would have happened absolutely anything. I love Casey Rocket. No one asked you. We know we love Casey Rocket and that's why he's on the show regularly and that's why this is your one time ever probably ever in the history. You spent most of your time saying give it up for things.

Starting point is 00:19:26 We got Reba McIntyre was about 10 seconds of your set and then one guy, one guy, and God only knows what drugs this man is on. But one guy in the very middle of the room loved it. It was complete silence other than one guy deep right there in the darkness. Like I have it kind of spotted, but it's very, it's a very dark patch right there. And then you spent the next 15 seconds making noise for Baja blast.

Starting point is 00:19:48 Give it up for Baja blast. So between Reba and Baja blast, the audience made about 25 seconds worth of noise for those two things combined in which then you segwayed into it's 20. It's 20 years old. It's 20 years old. This year you said that you like fucking 20 year olds, which has nothing to do with Baja blast. It's 20 years. Yeah, it's 20 years old. This year you said that you like fucking 20 year olds, correct. Nothing to do with Baja Blass. It's 20 years old. I fucked a Baja Blass yesterday.

Starting point is 00:20:10 You fucked a Baja Blass. Yeah, I put it on my. Well, I didn't put that part on my tiktok, but oh my God. And then what was the final thing you almost said something compelling. You say the n word to what Jamie Foxe,, me and Leonardo DiCaprio have that in common. We like saying the N word to Jamie Foxx, Django Unchained joke. Right, no better time than, I mean, Django Unchained came out about half a Baja blast ago.

Starting point is 00:20:35 So, I mean, not quite that in the universe, but I guess it's kind of a reach, chill list. What do you think about this fat magician? Well... What? My mom just told me I was fat too, so thanks. But I guess it's kind of a reach. Joe List, what do you think about this fat magician? Well. My mom just told me I was fat too, so thanks. Thank you for that. Everything you say sucks. Well, like I said, my favorite part of Casey is all the people that didn't get it

Starting point is 00:20:58 and way more people didn't get you. So that was fun. Yeah, if you like people not getting it, this is basically Dave Chappelle right here. I mean, who is the reverse? Absolutely people just absolutely awestruck at what you prepared. How long have you been doing standup?

Starting point is 00:21:14 A little under two years. Wow, really? You work hard at it? You do like a few spots a week or something? Are you really lazy of a terrible work ethic? I've been doing it consistently every week, at least four mikes a week for the past six months. Okay, so you really started going hard six months ago.

Starting point is 00:21:31 How's it going for you out there? Is that your best minute? No, I actually just made both of those jokes up today. Okay, why don't you tell us the best joke that you've come up with in two years? I don't know why, God, why in the world you would go on a show where millions of people are going to eventually watch it and go,

Starting point is 00:21:51 I just came up with this on my bird scooter on the way here. I thought it was good. I don't know what to tell you. You thought wrong, but now I want to know in all of your time, four mics a week for six months and a year and a half of procrastinating before that. I want to know what your very best quick joke is. Here he is, ladies and gentlemen, with his very best name. You will easily forget it's Nico Casablanca. So my mom told me that I should not pursue my dream of doing comedy

Starting point is 00:22:26 and I was like, how would I listen to a fucking woman that married the first dick that she sucked? You know what I mean? Like fucking... Your mom sounds wise beyond her years. Right. Sounds like a brilliant woman to me. What do you do for work? Nico, how do you make a living? What kind of weed do you deliver? I am a consultant at a accounting company. What kind of consulting are you doing at a comedy?

Starting point is 00:23:03 Are you making things less funny? Yeah, because I'm charging them more money to like, tell us what you do at the fucking thing. So I just upsell people to bigger plans to make sure that they get all the shit that we're doing. It's software as a service sales. But what does it have to do with comedy? No, I didn't say comedy.

Starting point is 00:23:22 Oh, he didn't? Oh, you said you're a consultant at a what? At an accounting company. Oh, wow. I totally misheard that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Sometimes the sound, people don't understand. There's like a...

Starting point is 00:23:32 I think you're just so desperate to hear comedy right now. Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. It is true. But now that he mentions accounting, you do comedy like a accounting consultant. But... Thank you, thanks. What do you do for fun?

Starting point is 00:23:49 You seem like your face has a little wear and tear. You a heavy drinker? Yeah, I DJ. I've been going to music festivals. I've been to 77 festivals. I've been doing that since 2009. What's your DJ name? Solstice.

Starting point is 00:24:00 Psst. There you go. You got a laugh there. That's a bigger laugh than your best joke and your full minute tonight. Yeah, solstice. Yes, your gay DJ. Even though we're both in Ohio now, right? Yeah, I hope you like this song. I'm playing it for the next three hours, everybody. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:24:27 Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:24:33 Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:24:40 Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Deco knocks. I wanted something that like embraced like the themes of like two different like opposing things like so I thought like summer and winter would like be good. I wanted to get deep in it because like I have a passion for music. So what about maybe what about like funny and you something like Holy shit, bro.

Starting point is 00:25:05 What are some of the songs that you play? Like, what do you do? You have your own music? Techno, EM. You have your own style? No, nothing up right now. So you just play other people's music? Yes. Right. Yes.

Starting point is 00:25:17 Okay. And what's the most magical night you've had? 77 festivals, a lot under your belt, a lot of slightly above your belt as well as you are, your mother is correct, you are getting fat and you shouldn't do comedy. Fuck! What's the most amazing time? 77 music festivals. Probably the first time I did the best acid that I'd ever had and it was at Electric Forest.

Starting point is 00:25:43 And I felt like I was in touch with the trees and the molecules were like coming in my body and stuff like that. And like, yeah, like I felt like I was like really. I feel bad for the trees on that one. Like, yeah, this guy's one of us. Would have been funnier to actually pull a tree out of the bucket tonight.

Starting point is 00:26:00 Have it perform. Nico, congratulations. You're leaving here with a very small joke book via the great bones. I real handmade Texas leather. There goes Nico. Not much to him folks. That's what happens. This ain't easy. Comedy's not easy. Only about fucking a small percentage of people are funny. Hey y'all. this podcast is brought to you by ExpressVPN. Check it out, I don't know how to tell you this, but the economy is in shambles

Starting point is 00:26:29 and there has never been a better time to save money and cut back on expenses. For example, I used to spend over $100 a month on streaming services, Netflix, Disney Plus, Prime, you name it, but since I started using ExpressVPN, I've been able to cut back and save so much money every month. Red man. See all these streaming services like Netflix actually have thousands of more shows than you

Starting point is 00:26:51 think. You just don't see them all because they give you different shows depending on your country. So what you see on Netflix here is completely different to what someone in Italy or South Korea sees. But using the ExpressVPN app, I can change my online location. It has over 90 countries to choose from. So every time I run out of stuff to watch, I just switch my ExpressVPN over to another country

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Starting point is 00:27:49 expressvpn.com slash Kill Tony. ExpressVPN.com slash Kill Tony to learn more. Hey everyone, this podcast is brought to you by Game Time. I'll be honest with y'all. I tried buying concert tickets last week and was appalled at the ticket buying experience. I couldn't tell if the seats were good, so I took a gamble and guess what? The seats sucked. You shouldn't have to worry when you buy tickets to your next big event.

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Starting point is 00:29:39 Brendan Higgins, everybody, here we go. Anything can happen. Brandon Higgins everybody, here we go. Anything can happen. Brandon Higgins. Brings that giving up for Brendan Higgins, gang, come on. Hey, thank you for having me, team. I'm in Formatic Town. I'm a Matt's fan, as you could probably tell. When I bought this hat, thought it was gonna be

Starting point is 00:29:58 a backwards hat guy. A lot of my heroes are backwards hat guys. Mike Piazza, Babani, Turtle from Entourage. I realize it's a very specific kind of white boy you could pull off the backwards hat. Forward's, I look relatively stable, right? You know, maybe I get a girlfriend, maybe I'm married, maybe I have kids, maybe they love me, right?

Starting point is 00:30:16 It's all on the table. Hat goes backwards, my ass is divorced, you know? No custody, kids are asking to use their mom's last name, it's looking ugly. I just, I feel like I look backwards like I'm trying to command respect that's just not getting commanded, you know? Like, I look like a bouncer who gets his ass beat every night, you know? Recover at my bar.

Starting point is 00:30:35 I just bring two knuckle sandwiches, you know? I look like a youth pastor who got fired for offering to buy the kids cigarettes. They didn't even take me up on it, you know? They were waiting for my ass to slip. It was ugly. I look like I always have a cracked iPhone screen. You know what I mean? Like, even when I get a new iPhone,

Starting point is 00:30:54 they don't give it to me. They throw it down a flight of stairs, tell me to go get it, you know? The one thing everybody tells me over and over with the backwards hat. There you go, you did it, you went beyond your time. Sorry, thank you. Brendan Higgins, everybody.

Starting point is 00:31:08 So let's talk, Brendan. Brendan. Hi, Brendan. There you go. Sorry, sorry, sorry. You thought that was it, huh? I did think I was thinking out of here, yeah. Yeah, no.

Starting point is 00:31:19 No, Brendan. It's not gonna be that easy tonight. How you feeling? How does that feel right now? God, I gotta tell you be that easy tonight. How you feeling? How does that feel right now? God, I gotta tell you, I feel fat. Oh my God. I had so much barbecue today, I didn't think I was gonna get on stage, you know.

Starting point is 00:31:31 That's what did it. It was today's barbecue that made you like that. An incredible amount of food you must have consumed. No, I was at 32 until noon. You go right ahead, there you go. Okay, Brendan Higgins, how long have you been on stand up? I started in college in like 2014, but not, you know, every day.

Starting point is 00:31:49 Right. Yeah, yeah. Okay, how long have you been taking it seriously, or have you not? God, I hope to start taking it seriously soon, yeah, you know. I guess maybe today is the start of it. So what do you do? You go up every once in a great while?

Starting point is 00:32:01 No, I live in New York, I host my own show, I'm trying to get in with the clubs, but it's a racket. You know, it's a lot of is it a racket or quality based content. It's a little bit of anyone say that the New York scene is a racket before. It seems like if you're funny, you're going to get spots. Really? No, I don't find that it's a lot of you. Go ahead. No, I want to hear. I want to hear. Look, clearly I'm not your comedian. I'm not. And it's Brandon. Let me help you by the way, because this is a podcast. If someone's talking, you have to wait till that person's done

Starting point is 00:32:29 talking. Now with that said, I want to hear what Joe List has to say about the New York scene being a racket. How long have you been doing stand up in New York? Seventeen years and I know it's a real racket. you got a really give it up for Joe list everybody thank you thank you and he's still talking you fucking retard you gotta you have to like do well to get paid spots it's a little fucked up you gotta yep there's your racket yeah you got it you got a right and then do the stuff and have it get laughs every night and then you get spots in exchange for money.

Starting point is 00:33:05 Yeah, fucked up. It's a total, it's a real fucking pyramid scheme. It's a rig deck. Yeah. What do you do for actual work? Tech sales. Tech sales. Indeed, you do look like you would be

Starting point is 00:33:18 an accounting consultant. What do you do for fun, Brendan? You seem like you have some deep dark secrets. I go to a lot of concerts. I, I don't know, rap and emo music, mostly use a VPN. Yeah. Yeah. You do, don't you? When you'd be, yeah, I guess.

Starting point is 00:33:34 Yeah. Winds need be. What do you do? Sorry. When you use your VPN, what do you do? And nothing that cool, like watching TV shows from other countries, you know, there's a one car wide TV show coming out of China right now. I'm trying to get my hands on. There's a what it doesn't matter.

Starting point is 00:33:51 You're a great interview express VPN dot com slash kill Tony is the best VPN just to let you know. Yeah, goddamn right. Yep. And if you use it right now, you get three extra months of ExpressVPN, absolutely free. I'm sorry, when I'm selling my soul, sometimes phlegm comes out of my throat. I feel a little guilt that comes over me. Tell us a dirty little secret about you. What would surprise us about you, Brendan?

Starting point is 00:34:17 What would surprise? I was a diver in college, believe it or not. Wow, diving into what? Birthday cakes? No, yeah. They used to call me the Jackie Robinson of diving. I was doing it for all the kids who wore their shirts in the pool. Those were my people.

Starting point is 00:34:34 You were the what? The Jackie Robinson of diving. Why would you be the Jackie Robinson of diving? I was doing it for the kids who wore their shirts in the pool. I was risking breaking the boards every day, you know? I was getting into demographic. Do you think black people would find that interesting

Starting point is 00:34:48 that you consider yourself the Jackie Robinson of something? My coach was black and he pulled me. Oh, there you go again. Brendan, you're absolutely terrible and you don't listen well on a show. Here you go, you're a little jokebook. You fucking suck. You suck. There you go. Put the mic in the mic stand. You're done. You're uninterviewable.

Starting point is 00:35:06 I tried to help you. I literally coached you through it. Jackie, please. Stop talking when other people are talking. It's impossible. You guys having fun out there? Here we go. Let's see what happens next. Your next bucket pull goes by the name of Eric Jordan, everybody. Eric Jordan. Here we go. 60 seconds from Eric Jordan everybody Eric Jordan here we go 60 seconds from Eric Jordan

Starting point is 00:35:29 hey I just moved here from Cal California please don't keep my car though I'm not woke none of that bullshit I promise I moved here because the governor there is fucking a terrible person and he doesn't stand for anything. So I moved to Texas because the governor does stand for something. He just can't fucking physically stand. That's the sad part, but anyway. So at my job about a year and a half ago, I almost got fired for giving a kid a haircut in class

Starting point is 00:36:04 because I'm a teacher. Apparently it's illegal to groom a child. I had no idea. So that was news to me. So since I moved to Texas, I've been taking three shits a day. I have no idea why. I guess it's peteries. I don't know because there's no peteries in California,

Starting point is 00:36:23 so that might be it. Every time I take a shit, I know it's P. Terry's I don't know because there's no P. Terry's in California so that might be it every time I take a shit I know it's pretty graphic every time I take a shit it's just explosive it's explosive it looks like July 5th on Cesar Chavez Boulevard or MLK that's it wow we have this is a fucking tough one here tonight. Oh my God, Eric Jordan with straight booze from the audience. Clearly very inspired by a closer inspired by the great red band over here. When you're not laughing at a I shit so much joke, you know there's no effort behind it whatsoever. Peter? My goodness, just shitting on Peter. Are you really a teacher?

Starting point is 00:37:07 Yeah, I am. OK, what do you teach? It's actually an engineering class at a vocational school. All right. 9th grade. OK. All right. How old are you?

Starting point is 00:37:16 I'll be 41 in April. 41. When did you start stand-up comedy? It's my first time. There you go. Thank God for that. You popped my comedic cherry. I made sure that you popped my comedic cherry. I made sure that you

Starting point is 00:37:25 popped my comedic cherry. Okay. All right. Sorry. There we go. Absolutely. Yeah. Starting on Kill Tony is a tricky, tricky thing. So when you say pop your cherry, what do you think's going to happen now? Moving forward. Yeah. comedic wise. I don't. I'm not putting a lot of stock in comedy. I moved here for music. What type of music do you do? I just sample music. You just sample music. I sample. I'm not. I'm not talented like these guys. No, you have no what do you have any talents at all? Do you have any special skills? I mean, I'm good at building stuff because I, you know, I'm an engineering teacher, so okay Joe less What do you think about this guy? I would I mean could you build an act? No, I mean you have great teeth you're very handsome, and I feel like you probably have a good life

Starting point is 00:38:14 You're teaching children yet. You don't belong here You're a beautiful man, and you're serving community. You should move forward into the audience, turn around and enjoy a nice show. I actually teach in California. I'm on a sabbatical. Oh, even better. You teach in California. You a surfer?

Starting point is 00:38:36 No, I live in Fresno, the worst part of California. Oh, Jesus Christ. OK, so he does, you know, Joe has a great point. You're a good looking guy. What do you utilize that you single? I am single. What type of a game do you have? What's your move to get ladies?

Starting point is 00:38:50 Oh, man, I'm, I'm meeting potatoes, man. As, as you could tell, these people didn't really accept me and they don't really accept me. Is that true? Uh, girls don't like you. You go to bars or anything? I don't know. It's, it's weird, man. I didn't, I don't know. It's weird, man. I don't know.

Starting point is 00:39:06 You're a little bit shy. This is incredible. Maybe so. I mean, you know this. Austin's got the most beautiful women in the world. I do know that. I agree completely. None of them are here tonight, but they are. They're out there somewhere deep, deep, and perhaps in the darkness or something like that. But...

Starting point is 00:39:24 It's still in Vegas. I mean, I get laid. deep deep and perhaps in the darkness or something like that but still in Vegas. I mean I I get laid. You must I mean how are you not getting laid? Explain to us what goes wrong. You want to mimic a date? Let's pretend like we're on a date. Let's do it. Pretend like I'm a hot chick. Okay. Okay here we go. I'm just a hot chick, just got my hair cut super short cause I'm fucking. I just got out of a really bad relationship. Oh, hi. How are you? Hey, I'm good. How are you? Good. What's your name?

Starting point is 00:39:51 Eric. What's your name? I'm Tanya. Tanya. Ooh. Yeah. I like Tanya. Um, man, you're a really good looking guy. What do you do? I'm a teacher. You want to get out of here?

Starting point is 00:40:02 Yeah. I could teach you a few things. Whoa. Look at that. All right, let's get an actual girl up here to see how he buckles under the pressure. How long have you been in Austin? About a month and a half. Month and a half. And you have no game whatsoever. You haven't hooked up with a chick?

Starting point is 00:40:21 I did. You did. Tell us what happened there. How did you find her out? On bumble. It was on bumble. Yeah. That's the one where what the chick decides or something. Yeah, they have to initiate the contact. Right. Okay. So someone initiated contact with you. What did she say? She was really pushy. She was really pushy. In what way? She was, you could tell she was more like she wants a relationship and I'm not here for relationship okay sorry and so what happened you guys go on a date actually she just came to my place it happened

Starting point is 00:40:53 and then yada yada yada never sorry a new relationship pretty much sounds like she wanted to get fucked that's well she did but she wanted more than that and how do you know what did she say you're laying there in bed you just busted and That's well she did but she wanted more than that night. How do you know what did she say? You're laying there in bed you just busted it up. Where'd you come at? In a condom or what'd you do? Uh, her.

Starting point is 00:41:13 Hers are yours. You came on your own stomach? No, not on mine, on hers. Hey, it could happen. Yeah, of course it could happen. If you're on bottom position and they have to get up quick, sometimes you have to just fucking blow it where it lies. You know that I mean to play it as it lies.

Starting point is 00:41:29 You know what I mean? Just have to go with it. It's fucking happy Gilmore style. Absolutely rule 22 a says play it as it lies. You have to shoot your load. I mean no point in getting the fucking comforter and sheets all fucked up. Right. You take the load, grab a fucking side towel, right?

Starting point is 00:41:46 Paper towel, if you have it, you seem like you'd have some P. Terry's napkins next to the back. I loaded with those. Yeah, whatever you got, whatever it takes. You perhaps a joke book you could wipe it up with. That's empty, nice clean pages there. I love it. So you blew on her stomach, and then you got a towel or something

Starting point is 00:42:06 right I let her go to my shower you let her she went straight to the shower I was okay that's a key man. Okay, I don't want to do that. Well, you got to wipe first. You can add water. What the achy it's your come. Yeah, some other dudes come you would wipe up or something that would be kind of creepy, but it's yours. It was in your balls. That's true. That is very true. Consider it icky. Well, I don't want to touch it. You don't want to touch your own come. Smells like first aid. Your come smells like first aid aid first aid. No, not aides. I knew you knew. I was gonna say that you watch you for a while

Starting point is 00:42:42 watching the show for a long time. I popped your cherry. That's true. I knew I was gonna say that. You've been watching the show for a long time. I popped your cherry. That's true. I knew you were gonna say first dates. I shouldn't have said it. Your son of a bitch. It's got the word eight in it. All you had to do was add an ass. You quick ass motherfucker. Did you watch the Super Bowl on Nickelodeon? I didn't like to. I don't get it. Why would he watch it on Nickelodeon? They had the super up pull on Nickelodeon, but it was all slime and sponge Bob. They like put it on a lot of graphics. Yeah, like kitty here. It's a key. The reach was for icky on that one. Okay.

Starting point is 00:43:22 Okay. Wow. Most interesting. They Joe live. What do you think? I just think that your cum smells like first aid is way funnier than anything in that notebook. Yes. If you came out with cum smells like first day, I don't even know what that means, but I'm like, I'm listening. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Let us hope for you. That just gave me a new hope. Maybe this is 100% still not your calling, but 41 years of life. It doesn't have to be funny, but just tell us something that makes you different than everybody else.

Starting point is 00:43:50 Something that happened to you or how perhaps all you were raised or some fun fact about your life. Well, I talked about, I came out here for music and I sample music and you and I, we're kind of grew up in the same era. So I know, hey, I'm a big fan. I know you're a little younger than me. What are you getting at? Let's go.

Starting point is 00:44:08 Well, I sample music and I've been doing a lot of eight bit stuff. So a lot of like old Nintendo games that we probably both grew up on, you know me and it's different. A lot of people that have heard it have said, hey, that's where is it at? It's on my MacBook at home. Not not here. Wow, you are a marketing genius. I know friend. Not not here. Wow. You are a marketing genius. I am friend. There he is. Three little joke books in a row. It's a it's a fairy tale. This is like a kids book right now. Three little joke books. Three little joke books. I have a

Starting point is 00:44:40 friend that's visiting. He's writing a children's book. Make some noise for my friend Willie Hunter up there. Visiting from LA, comedy store legend, former multiple time guest to the show. Alright, this person is on the inside. You've seen three little joke books handed out tonight. Perhaps someone from your very own audience, a representative of you, will turn the tide for the bucket pulls tonight. Someone from your very own audience, a representative of you,

Starting point is 00:45:05 will turn the tide for the bucket pulls tonight. Make some noise for the Inside Zone. Jeff Scott everybody, Jeff Scott. I'm not seeing it, where's Jeff at? From the farthest, of course. Dun-ba-dum-ba-dum-ba-dum-ba-dum-ba-dum-ba-dum-ba-dum-ba-dum. Madison Square Garden, the Forum, so much fun stuff happening. Of course, huge announcements at the ends of those shows, as always with our big shows, where we always announce where we're going next.

Starting point is 00:45:41 The people in Europe might be excited at an announcement. We pre-pool the next name here to the audience's zone. One of you, it's Jeff Scott. All right, growing up, I would only watch Lesbian porn. I didn't want to see another man's dick. I thought that would give me the gay. And when I was younger, having the gay was a sin. But you see porn, well,

Starting point is 00:46:05 that's where I learned all my sex moves from. So until I was like 24, I was just out here scissoring bitches. I'm trying to get back in the dating scene right now. I just had a first date recently with a girl. I took her to a pet store after lunch. I figured we could look at the puppies. And while we were there, she kept telling me how much she loved reptiles. I thought it was going great, but as soon as I get back to my house and I finally get my pants off, she gets all mad at me. And I was like, what? Earlier you said you love turtles. I really am trying to focus on my stand-up career right now, but I don't have any social media. You know, no Instagram, Snapchat, nothing like that.

Starting point is 00:46:46 In fact, right now, the only social media I have is Jerkmate. It's... I don't know if it's all my career or not, but the chicks keep laughing. Seriously though, if I would have known there was gonna be this many hot chicks here, I would have put a sock in my pants or something. My problem is I'm all balls. But you know, they say one in 50 men do have a micro penis. My question is, which president was it? No way it was Obama, Michelle's not putting up with that. Oh, keep going.

Starting point is 00:47:11 I want to hear the end of this. Clinton, Kennedy, they're out for obvious reasons. But personally, I kind of think it was Lincoln, dude, because what type of cuckold shit was that? We had such a good thing going. Oh. Very good. Thanks, Tony.

Starting point is 00:47:25 Jeff Scott, straight out of the audience. I love it. Let's get into it. How long you been doing stand up? About a year now. About a year. We're at... Oh, Chicago. I love it. Chicago. Very good place for comedy. What do you do for work? I build swimming pools.

Starting point is 00:47:44 You build swimming pools in Chicago in Chicago. Yes sir. Fuck yeah. If you like swimming two months out of the year. Exactly. Exactly. Chef Scott. That's why I'm here. Yes. I love it. So very interesting, Jeff. Lesbian porn turtles., jerk made all the way through. I love the Lincoln joke, it was great. Joe List, what do you think about this guy? Yeah, that was fantastic. I mean, straight out of the audience, you killed,

Starting point is 00:48:14 you make your own sweatshirts, it was really... I mean, what can't he do? You are in the audience tonight. You're a fan of the show, you came here with people. How did you end up here? You bought a ticket? I came here with my girlfriend. I've been in standby for the last six weeks.

Starting point is 00:48:29 Since you stopped doing the HEB, standby tickets. Right. So you've been waiting in line? First, yeah, every day. Every Monday. Really? What time do you get here? This is an interesting thing.

Starting point is 00:48:38 I've heard rumors about this, about how long people wait. I don't want to give it away. I get here at noon. OK, yeah. You're afraid people show up at 11.30 now. I see what's going on. I see what's going on. So you get here at noon, do you bring like a chair or something? Yeah, I get here early so I get the parking spot right next to it

Starting point is 00:48:55 and I bring a chair and yeah, just kick it all day. Fucking cool, man. And you've been signing up every week? Every week, yeah. Sundays and then you finally got pulled. Finally, yeah. How many has it been? How many weeks? Since you've been back from H.E.B. finally got pulled finally. Yeah, how many has it been how many weeks?

Starting point is 00:49:09 Since you've been back from H eb so six is it yeah six weeks. That's it sounds about right Amazing stuff. I love it. Tell us more about you. Oh Well, actually, I knew I was gonna get picked tonight So I was a standing in line and a bird pooped on me really Everyone I didn't know I was mad but everyone in line was like that's good luck. You're getting on tonight And I can't believe I I was mad, but everyone in line was like, that's good luck, you're getting on tonight. And I can't believe I got on tonight, that's crazy. That's fucking incredible. I was gonna say, how the fuck did you know that you were getting on tonight?

Starting point is 00:49:32 Everybody always has conspiracy theories. Where did it go? I was very excited to find out. Right there, you can't see it, my girlfriend did a good job cleaning it up. Hell yeah. Wow. Absolutely. Incredible.

Starting point is 00:49:42 Hell yeah. She fell in love with your scissoring abilities yeah that's why I want her over yeah she's right out there yeah no I know I get it I know how you can hear yeah I know how I know how the architecture of the building is definitely out there somewhere I love it so what how old are you 31 31 what have you been doing with your life up until this point? You've been building swimming pools.

Starting point is 00:50:06 Building swimming pools, loving it, plumbing, electrician. Plumbing, all the fun stuff. Look at you, a man of many talents. How long have you been with your girl? 13 years. Wow, incredible. My goodness. Look at that.

Starting point is 00:50:20 She's done more for turtles than the elimination of plastic straws. That's incredible. I love it. Incredible stuff. What does she do? She's a wedding planner. Aw, adorable.

Starting point is 00:50:33 And you guys aren't married? We're not married, no. 13 years? 13 years, yeah. We're not making it. We're not making it. You can't write better than this. You've been dating a wedding planner for 13 years?

Starting point is 00:50:44 That's true. I hope you do that as a bit. Yeah, all right though. Yeah, these are really good. You literally can't, the first three bucket polls definitely can't write anything like that. And here you are in the interview portion, just absolutely smashing with better premises

Starting point is 00:51:00 than anybody came up with before you, other than of course the great Casey Rocket, who hit Terry Bradshaw right on the head multiple times. You can't beat that, you can't beat that. Can I ask you a question? Absolutely. Has there ever been a proposal on Kill Tony? Stop, Joe, stop, Joe!

Starting point is 00:51:16 There has, there has, there has, it was one in Sydney, Australia, and between a chubby white guy and an Asian girl, and then there was one on New Year's Eve, you'll never believe it, chubby white guy and an Asian girl. Did she, she didn't prepare a minute though, right? No, she doesn't do stand-up. No, she doesn't do stand-up.

Starting point is 00:51:37 Right? And you don't want to bring her up here, do you? We don't, if you want, she'll come up, she loves attention, so. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, my God. Wow, I see why you've been dating for 13 years. Holy shit. I love that you know she loves attention,

Starting point is 00:51:56 but still won't propose and give her a wedding. Is there a reason why you haven't proposed yet? You're afraid to go into deep end? We're not big into it. No kids, no marriage. Ready to go in the deep end? That's fucking swimming pool builder. Sons of bitches. What about the tax break?

Starting point is 00:52:15 I guess, yeah, I guess. Doesn't make a lot of sense. Good question, Redman. What about the tax break? What's the longest set you've ever done? Jesus Christ. Oh, like 10 minutes, 10, 15. I would love to have you for like, do a five minute set on the Secret Show Thursday.

Starting point is 00:52:29 There you go. Amazing, Hank, yeah. Secret Show. And guess what, my friend? Six weeks in the making, the first big joke book of the night. Jeff Scott, everybody. He's Jeff Scott Jokes on Twitter or Instagram or one of the two Jeff Scott famously the name of a 30 year comedy store piano player legend who passed

Starting point is 00:52:53 away during the global pandemic. One of the reasons why so many people left the comedy store and L. A. He was really the guy that was a staple there. So his spirit lives on in new comedian Jeff Scott. One more time for your own Jeff Scott, everybody. Hello. This podcast is brought to you by Zippercruiter. Look, people, daylight savings time is upon us.

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Starting point is 00:54:37 Zippercruiter, the smartest way to hire. And now the momentum shall flow as we switch to one of our esteemed, brilliant, unbelievable regulars. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you a fucking phenom. You know him. You love him. He's an international superstar. Kill Tony's own. Anderson, everybody. I'm talking to a white girl right now.

Starting point is 00:55:16 Obviously. When Austin, that's all we got. So I'm having a good time. But the weird thing about it is she would like kind of raise the hood a little bit. So, she say nigga a lot. And I like to say nigga a lot. That's my favorite word.

Starting point is 00:55:33 But she said more than me. You know what I'm saying? And usually when a white person said nigga to my face, I would be upset, but we fucking, so she get a pass. But I really want to bring around my parents, you know what I'm saying? I really wanted to meet my people, and I wanted to say nigga around my dad,

Starting point is 00:55:51 because then he gon' have to fuck her too, you feel me? That's just the law, that's how that works. That's how that works. Imagine my granddad was there, he gotta fuck my girl too. And I want all white men to understand something. You could say n***a also. I'm not done.

Starting point is 00:56:18 You could also say n***a. Would you like to say n***a, sir? If you wanted to say n***a, all you gotta do is get fucked in the ass by a big ass black gay man. And you earned it also. That wasn't a great ending. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. All good, I love it. Hey, I did that exact same ending

Starting point is 00:56:40 and Lil Boy did the exact same thing. I still tried it. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. It's good, that's exactly what it's all about. Going for it. You have expendable minutes. You're allowed to do whatever the fuck you want. You're here every week. It's a fucking not an easy job whatsoever. And you're out here doing it. You disguise that punch about your dad having to fuck her too. So good. I didn't see it coming and I knew that you had something funny coming and still you got me.

Starting point is 00:57:05 Thank you. Yeah, fantastic stuff as always. Joe, you like saying the N word, what'd you think about his set? Yeah. No, I love it. We have the same favorite word. No, I'm a huge fan of Cat. I watched him in The Little Boy the other day.

Starting point is 00:57:20 He blew the fucking room apart. I was fan. I don't know what else to add. Thank you. You're a little bit hilarious. You really are a goddamn sensation. Where'd you meet this white girl at? She from, she from the city.

Starting point is 00:57:29 We pretty cool, she from Orlando. Oh, from Orlando. Okay, and what does she do? What kind of hair does she do for a living? Cornrows or braids or? Now she dance, she a dancer. Is she a stripper? No.

Starting point is 00:57:46 No, no. She's a professional dancer on a pole sometimes. Yeah, amazing. Sometimes there's a pole there. Are the strip clubs in Orlando, are they fully nude? Yeah, they get ass naked. Of course, it's Florida. As it was coming out of my mouth,

Starting point is 00:58:03 I'm like it's Florida. What the fuck naked? Bucket bucket naked like bucket with naked like damn super naked. Wow. I can't even imagine how much more naked you could get than regular naked. I mean, what are they doing? Shaving their pubes up there or something? It's crazy. I love it. Absolutely incredible. Joe. It's just funny. It's normally when someone says, you know what I'm saying? You almost always do, but in that instance, I actually didn't know what you were saying.

Starting point is 00:58:30 I was like, I have no idea what you're saying. Buck, did you say bucket naked? Bucket naked, like super naked. Like bucket. Yeah, nah, like bucket, like bucket naked. You get what I'm saying, right, ball and niggas? I feel like you're adding. You understand it?

Starting point is 00:58:43 You understand it, the ball and they can get it. Yeah. His head is bucket naked. It is incredible. The audience can't see, but this is handsome Ari Shafir. You look like a very attractive Ari. It really is. It's incredible. Likeable.

Starting point is 00:58:57 Are you Jewish? Everyone says I am, but I'm not. Oh, what do you think this is? World War II, bro? Come on. Everyone thinks I'm Jewish, but I'm not. Not even everyone thinks I'm Jewish. Everyone says I'm Jewish. Like, people are like, you're a Jew.

Starting point is 00:59:12 God damn Jew. What are you? You went to Catholic school? Yeah, a lot of people went to Catholic school. You fucking Jew. Anyway, Catholic school. What does that matter? I love you.

Starting point is 00:59:26 Aw, look at that. Look at that, little Ash Wednesday for you, Catholic school boy. We got a little mark on his forehead now. We gotta get Cam some hand lotion. A sat, please, Yoni. We have any fucking Vaseline? We got a thumbs up from Yoni.

Starting point is 00:59:41 Hey man, you got KC, a gift card. I be going to Walgreens all the time. Oh, shit. I'm always at Walgreens stealing a whole bunch of shit. Yeah, you're looting, dude. You don't need a gift card to loot. You're just allowed to do whatever you want, as long as it's not behind the plastic cases.

Starting point is 00:59:57 You know how it works. I love it. So you met the stripper in Orlando or out here? Yeah, in the city. OK, in the city of Orlando. I love it. So you met the stripper in Orlando or out here? Yeah, in the city. Okay, in the city of Orlando. Yeah. I love it. That city of Orlando.

Starting point is 01:00:11 Was it this last time or you knew her from before? Before. Okay, so you've known her a while. Yeah. She have a good stripper name? No, I don't know it. You don't know her stripper name? I don't like to ask about her job life.

Starting point is 01:00:24 Her job life. Uh. Uh. Uh. Her job life. Yeah. When you come home, baby, enjoy yourself. You understand? That's right. You only know her by her real name. Yeah, I don't even know that, but I love her. Ha ha ha ha.

Starting point is 01:00:35 Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha. You are whole- I'm in love. You are? What's your most favorite thing about her? Does she do something special in the bedroom? She got a fat ass.

Starting point is 01:00:44 Oh, shit. Love that. Baby, we're happy. Come on, now talk to her. You love that. You are what's your most favorite thing about her? Does she do something special in bed? That ass. Oh shit Love a real happy come on. I love that What's your favorite thing to do with a woman with a fat ass you like to hit it from behind Yeah, put your thumb in the bitch booty. Oh I have did that You put a oh he just pointed to the girl look at that that is incredible I do believe she likes that. That time of that bullet, he get it. And that nigga shoot deer.

Starting point is 01:01:09 That nigga understand. Oh, yeah. For sure. For sure. He get it. He puts the buck in bucket naked. You know what I'm saying? True hunter right here. A slayer of deer.

Starting point is 01:01:24 I love it. Cam, you did it again. I mean, absolutely unbelievable. You're a fucking absolute specimen of what should go on here with appearances, energy, charisma, writing, execution. One more time for the great and powerful Cam Patterson, everybody. The best. The man. The myth. He's on tour with me all over the country right now. We're finishing it up. It's gonna be done in May.

Starting point is 01:01:56 Some fun, few more giant theaters to go. Next place for your next bucket pool. His name is Roy Mendoza, everybody. Roy or Ray Mendoza, here we go. Go. Austin, Texas, how the fuck are we doing out here tonight, man, y'all looking beautiful? I'm a local, by the way, just so y'all know,

Starting point is 01:02:18 so give me a little extra love, come on, give me a little extra love. Now, by the way, Cam, me and Cam have a lot in common. He loves saying the N word a lot. Actually, you say the N word for my breakfast. I have my bacon and eggs. They N word five times and brush my teeth. That's just my natural regimen.

Starting point is 01:02:32 But anyways, on a serious note, guys, I just came out of a very long-term relationship. So, you know, it's been tough. My ex was actually my nephew's ex. So, obviously, y' I can see I'm Hispanic if you haven't seen the mustache yet. But I have I guess some trailer trash genetics somewhere along the way.

Starting point is 01:02:54 So it's been difficult, you know, cause I almost became a great uncle to myself. So it's been interesting. It's been interesting. But yeah, man, this is beautiful. This is, you know, seeing Joe Lis, people like this are here. You know, it's inspiring. Trying to do my thing out here, you know.

Starting point is 01:03:12 I'm trying to get some Louis C.K. money out here. Alright, thank you guys. That's my time. What the fuck, man? What is going on? Is it Ray or Roy? Roy, brother. Okay-huh. Roy. OK. So how long have you been attempting stand-up comedy?

Starting point is 01:03:29 I have been attempting stand-up. This is my second open mic. My first time I did an open mic was at the original Cap City back in, like, 2018. So what made you come back here tonight? What made you have this grand return comparing yourself? Just being a huge fan and nutting up, because I'm a local from here. and I said, you know what?

Starting point is 01:03:46 Y'all been here for so long. I need a nut up come out here and at least do it You know get that out of my system. Uh-huh. How do you think it went? Not great I felt like it went better at Cap City. Yeah, there's like 14 people and I made like two of them last so it felt a little bit better Yep. Yeah, man. Yep that ratio is a lot better than what you did here. Your list. Exactly. So much to say. It seems like maybe you're a fan of mine. So I thought you were fantastic. Awesome. Why don't you go see Fourth of July? It's a great movie. This is the best comedian. If he needs extras in Mexicans, maybe there you go. you go, shut up Mendoza.

Starting point is 01:04:25 No, no, I. Shut up Mendoza. At first you came out like a con, you look like a guy that does a lot of comedy, but there was a lot of wasted time, I think. Yep. And, yeah. Yeah, but you look like a comet,

Starting point is 01:04:40 like you look, you're standing and. It's the glasses, yeah, I got a generic Mexican ass vibe looking, so I can pass for Frank Castillo, a lot of other Mexicans out there that are doing the same thing, so... Yeah, yeah, no. You just made the jokes. They're doing jokes, yeah, that's the thing you're missing. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 01:04:57 Trying to make that Louis CK money with zero punchlines whatsoever. I hear you. I hear you. So, before I let you go, tell us something interesting about your life. You get it's something you ever do anything. Yeah man. So I was trying to refrain from saying this, but I've been a drummer since I was a kid. I've been really tall as three years since you were a kid. How old are you? But how old am I? Yeah. I am 32 32 and and how were you when you started playing the drums? I was three years old. Okay.

Starting point is 01:05:26 Your God awful a comedy. If you lose this, will you never do stand up again? The drum off. Yeah. Yeah. I just need to get up there. So it's a special rich man version. Ladies and gentlemen, this is a Mexican drum off. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. I'll definitely do a drum off, but I think it'd be a lot better if we could perform some type of song. Like, Zim, no?

Starting point is 01:05:50 You don't make the rules. All right, let's go. Yeah, you're insane. Let's go, let's go. Is it Ray or Roy? Roy. Roy, okay, Roy. You know how this works.

Starting point is 01:05:59 You're gonna do a drum solo. You're gonna keep it a little around 30 seconds or so or less. And then Michael Gonzalez goes, if you win this drum off, you're the brand new drummer on Kill Tony, which means your unfunny, unlikeable ass will be here every single week performing on this show. You will take Michael Gonzalez's job, one of the most professional, absolute, legendary drummers in the history of the show and in all of Austin, Texas. And he will have to become a, what do you do for a living?

Starting point is 01:06:28 He's gonna have to be an insurance agent. It's a switch for those of you that don't know. If he loses, Michael becomes an insurance agent, and Roy Mendoza becomes the new drummer on Kill Tony here with the drum solo. This is a Mexican drum off. This is Roy Mendoza. All right, Roy Mendoza with an attempt. An absolute attempt in here to defend his throne, undefeated all time in Mexican tramos.

Starting point is 01:07:39 This is indeed Kiltoni's very own Michael Gonzalez. Here he is, repping the ladies soccer team of Austin, Texas, and clearly representing a little bit of Genghis Khan on his head everyone. This is Michael Gonzalez with a drum solo. Michael Gonzalez.DK-1は、DK-1の中にあるDK-1の中にあるDK-1の中にあるDK-1の中にあるDK-1の中にあるDK-1の中にあるDK-1の中にあるDK-1の中にあるDK-1の中にあるDK-1の中にあるDK-1の中にあるDK-1の中にあるDK-1の中にあるDK-1の中にあるDK-1の中にあるDK-1の中にあるDK-1の中にあるDK-1の中にあるDK-1の中にあるDK-1の中にあるDK-1の中にあるDK-1の中にあるDK-1の中にあるDK-1の中にあるDK-1の中にあるDK-1の中にあるDK-1の中にあるDK-1の中にあるDK-1の中にあるDK-1の中にあるDK-1の中にあるDK-1の中にあるDK-1の中にあるDK-1の中にあるDK-1の中にあるDK-1の中にあるDK-1の中にあるDK-1の中にあるDK-1の中にあるDK-1の中にあるDK-1の中にあるDK-1の中にあるDK-1の中にあるDK-1の中にあるDK-1の中にあるDK-1の中にあるDK-1の中にあるDK-1の中にあるDK-1の中にあるDK-1の中にあるDK-1の中にあるDK-1の中にあるDK-1の中にあるDK-1の中にあるDK-1の中2. カットスタイル3. カットスタイル 4. カットスタイル 5. カットスタイル 6. カットスタイル 7. カットスタイル

Starting point is 01:09:04 8. カットスタイル Oh, God. Oh, boy. I think we're having a little retirement party here tonight, everyone. How many of you have Roy Mendoza winning that? Oh, Rick Diaz like response there. How many of you have Michael Gonzalez winning people on the internet? Believe it or not, will I swear to God there are people that will say the Roy Mendoza won that. It's very funny. I swear to God this was facing me backwards the backside of this little

Starting point is 01:09:49 joke book with a hanging little man on a news. It says no bueno on the back of this little joke book and I'm giving you this as a retirement present. You understand you're no longer allowed to do stand up comedy. Do you understand deal you want to shake on it? you're retired Roy Mendoza everybody there he goes holy shit the first ever retirement edition of a Mexican drum off we haven't fun tonight anything can happen let's keep it moving your next bucket pool 60 seconds uninterrupted going going to Deshaun Johnson, everybody. One, two, three, four, hey, yeah, music.

Starting point is 01:10:28 Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Ah! I don't have any jokes. I just came here to scare white people. Ah! What's going on?

Starting point is 01:10:39 It's Black History Month, and I can't celebrate it because I'm not a real nigga. As you can tell by the size of my parents, some bitch outside said I was the first nigga she ever seen with a thigh gap. That fucking bugged me. I can't celebrate Black History Month because I'm also a nigga that went through an emo phase.

Starting point is 01:11:00 You know that shit. My moms are cunt and my dad. Hey, he's no Okay, okay fair enough Yeah, yeah, I don't have any jokes I just came here to find a white girl with a fat ass and a good credit score. I'm trying to make waffle colored niggas is Any can we make waffle colored niggas please? Yeah, I'm trying to fuck my way into a cottage. Is that gonna have a cottage? Do you have a cottage, sir? All right. Fair enough.

Starting point is 01:11:27 Does that mean a niggas done? What's the... Fantastic. It does mean that a... Man is done. Yeah. D'Shawn, I gotta tell you, that was absolutely fantastic. Thank you. The best bucket pull of the night, not from the inside. That was great. I love it.

Starting point is 01:11:43 You disguise your punchlines by saying you don't have a niggas. You don't have a niggas. Dashaun, I gotta tell you, that was absolutely fantastic. The best bucket pull of the night, not from the inside. That was great. I love it. You disguise your punchlines by saying you don't have jokes and then you do a joke. Exactly. Most of the bucket pulls tonight didn't have jokes, didn't say that they didn't have jokes

Starting point is 01:11:56 and just didn't have jokes. You did something totally different outside of the box. Black History Month is booming. I can't tell where the black leather stops and your neck begins exactly. You are quite the you are a beacon of black history month. Truly I can't think of a better representative than you. Yeah. Yeah. You feel comfy up here. Obviously right. Absolutely. I'm right at home. Yeah man. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'm from Canada. That's probably why that's true. I'm really

Starting point is 01:12:27 not a real biggest. So you're comfortable to I was born and raised in an all black neighborhood and you are from Canada. So who would have? Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. Would have guessed what part of Canada you from? I'm from Toronto, Canada. I love that Toronto, Canada, the rare black Toronto man. Yeah, I love it. I love it. What was it like growing up in Toronto? Fuck it was difficult. Yeah, a lot of people such as yourselves, you know, called me niggards and really they do that in Canada. Since I was a child, I apologize immediately after no. I mean, I was out a number two right so it's not

Starting point is 01:13:04 much I can do right. So yeah, yeah, yeah was out number two, right? So there's not much I can do. Right. So yeah, yeah, yeah. OK. Tell us more about your life. What do you do for? How old are you? I'm 28.

Starting point is 01:13:10 Wow, 28. OK, beautiful. And what do you do for work? I'm a scammer. I scam white people for a living. I'm a retired scammer. So everything's fine. You're fine.

Starting point is 01:13:23 How do you do it? What's your scam? Tell us about it. Come on. Come on. This is a fun show. I'm a retired scammer so everything's fine. You're fine. How do you do it? What's your scam? Tell us about it. Come on. Come on. This is a fun show.

Starting point is 01:13:30 What kind of watch you got on? This is a good interview. You can't scam me out of my Rolex. I don't see how it's impossible. Wait, where'd it go? Holy shit. I'm tricky. I'm tricky.

Starting point is 01:13:41 Okay. So what was the scam that you were doing? I'm curious. The thing is I'm really a scam was the scam that you were doing? I'm curious. Um, the thing is I'm really a scammer, so I can't really talk much about it. Really? Yeah. Can you tell us about a scam that you used to do that you don't do anymore? Come on. Give me fucking something here. These interviews are tough tonight. God, these people are making me work for it. Fuck, okay. I used to have a lot of American bills.

Starting point is 01:14:06 Like in Canada, they kind of verify American bills. So I used to tell, I actually got arrested for this, to be honest. This is great. Great, great. There's no double jeopardy there. Yeah, so I get a lot of counterfeit bills. I buy like fucking a lot of leather shit.

Starting point is 01:14:20 A lot. Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha. I believe that. You are rocking the leather the leather jacket. Yeah. Yeah, I did get arrested for it How did they catch you? I was driving I was driving one day and you know I just got pulled over and They're like to Sean you've been wanted since fucking October. It was like I've been wanted for two years And then they just arrested me and sad saddened a holding cell, and ate crackers and shit. You know, holding cell, yeah.

Starting point is 01:14:49 Canadian police are nice. I never had any bad runners with the police or anything. Yeah, Canadian police, famously nice, apologetic. It's very nice. I once shot a nigga in the head with a BB gun, and that was... Oh! See, that's the difference between Canada and America right there.

Starting point is 01:15:02 Yeah. The difference is the word BB before the gun. You know what? It was the only difference. There's the same up there. It wasn't a BB gun. It was like, you know, the fucking guns that used to put down inmates.

Starting point is 01:15:16 So it was like a real gun. Oh. It was like a fucking six-story issued gun with like a metal pellet. And then I shot. Well, this guy was beating on my aunt. And then I shot him. Then guy was beating on my aunt. And then I shot him. Then I shot him in the head.

Starting point is 01:15:28 And then the police came and I told him that I had a BB gun and he told me to hide it. The police officer told you to hide it. The police told me to hide the gun. Is he white or black? He was white, he was white. Unbelievable, look at that. Because he knew that that guy was a perp.

Starting point is 01:15:41 What? Yeah. Yeah. He was a perp. He was a. Yeah. He was a perp. He was a perpetrator. He was a bad guy. The nigga that beat on my ass? Or who was a perpetrator?

Starting point is 01:15:53 Yeah, that bad, yes. No, no, no, he was not a perpetrator at the time. He was bleeding and everything. So it was like, it was pretty fucked. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was the perp, but... I was the fucking perp, Tony, and um, yeah, I just police in police in Canada suck. That's that's my point The perp I do believe is the name of the criminal in this instance perp is also the name of your favorite drink

Starting point is 01:16:21 I think we're getting it all also the name of your favorite drink. I think we're getting it all confused here. It's so, it's niggas tricky. It's niggas tricky, okay. I am tricky. Tell us more about you. You're so likable, very, very funny. How long you been on stand up?

Starting point is 01:16:35 Five months. Five months, that's it, incredible. Very, very good. Thank you, thank you. How long are you in Austin for? I just got here today. Okay, you got here today. So white bitches, white bitches, oh, you got a girl with you, all right here today. Okay, you got here today. Yeah, so white bitches, white bitches,

Starting point is 01:16:46 oh you got a girl with you, all right, you got a nigga with you, it's all good, it's all good. He puts his thumb in her butt sometimes. That's like sick, hey, hey. Hell yeah, so how long you been in the state? How long you been in the state? As long as I can, as long as I can. Okay, and you could do on any scams while you're here?

Starting point is 01:17:04 Hopefully not, hopefully I can get some sets. Hopefully I can, you know, actually do real work. Right. And get better as a comic. Yeah. And throw that life away, man. I wanna, I don't need anything else. I have everything.

Starting point is 01:17:17 I have all the fucking. You've been doing this for five months and you love it? You think you're addicted? I fucking love this shit, bro. This shit is amazing. Wow. Like this shit changed my life.

Starting point is 01:17:24 Yeah. It's really like. Yeah, you seem. Wow. Like this shit changed my life. Yeah. It's really like... Yeah, you seem like you're gonna be doing this absolutely forever. 1000%. Incredible. Joe List. I mean, I thought it was hilarious.

Starting point is 01:17:32 For the first 30 seconds, I thought you were a bucket naked. I really did. I was like... Listen... Listen, I respect you and all, Joe. But I'm tapped into the streets, nigga. I will hire a nigga to stick a pipe in your ass, dog. Fucking relax.

Starting point is 01:17:56 He eats crackers like you in his jail cell. I mean, is that offensive? I'm just saying, I thought you were nude. That's funny. Someone's not leaving with the watch they came in with. Thanks. You. I'm gonna watch you got a nigga.

Starting point is 01:18:12 Holy shit. I don't have a watch. I'm not a watch guy. You can have my wedding ring. I don't want it anymore anyways. He's fucking... No, it was hilarious. I loved it.

Starting point is 01:18:20 I think you're great. Thank you, bro. Don't beat me up. What the fuck? He loves you. He's a big fan. He loves you so much. He's been smoking your thumb since he got up here. All right.

Starting point is 01:18:30 Okay. Deshaun Johnson. My boy. What do your black parents do up in Toronto? How did they end up up there? Um, Jamaican. Uh-huh. I'm Jamaican.

Starting point is 01:18:48 Did they go through America? Like, how does that happen? They fucking... They just landed in fucking Canada. How do you land in Toronto? You go down the fucking river and up like here? Well, as a Jamaican, you find a... You find a bitch and then you marry her,

Starting point is 01:19:01 and then you just there. Wow. That's how my parents did it. Yeah. That's a you just there. Wow. That's how my parents did it. That's a whole different life. Yeah. What's your love life like? You're a good looking, very charismatic guy.

Starting point is 01:19:13 I've been fucking chast... I've been fucked over, man. Tell us about it, please. This sounds great. I have an ex and she's a bitch. Why is she a bitch? What did she do to you? I'll tell you this.

Starting point is 01:19:26 Her favorite song was that icon of pop song. I don't care. I love it. And that, that shit is like, that shit is like the national anthem for I Fuck Niggas, but I'm too afraid to tell my dad. You get it? Mm.

Starting point is 01:19:42 to afraid to tell my dad? You get it? No. I was trying to fuck my way into a white dad for years because they have time for their kids and shit and boats. Last time I seen my dad, last time I talked to him, he said he was five minutes away and that was 30 years ago. Wow, you are very, very funny. How did your relationship end?

Starting point is 01:20:09 Did she break up with you? You break up with her? She fucked a nigga named Chuck. Oh, no. Hi, Megan. Megan Conceitas. Fuck you, bitch. Yeah. Yeah. And you know what? I'm just gonna say it, because I'm with you.

Starting point is 01:20:24 Fuck you, Chuck. Yeah, nigga you know what? I'm just gonna say it because I'm with you. Fuck you, Chuck. Yeah, nigga. Fuck you. Son of a bitch. You son of a bitch. And he did this at her place or you guys, did you guys, were you guys living together at the time?

Starting point is 01:20:40 No, I accidentally put on some leather pants afterwards. We weren't living together. It was, um... How'd you find out about it? I went through a... I went through a phone. N***a, I went through the bitch's phone. Yeah. I don't give a f***. I almost did a spit take, and then I got control of it. Then you called me the n-word, and I almost did another spit take. Yeah, N***a.

Starting point is 01:21:04 You almost f***ing got me twice with that mouthful. Went through her phone. It was crazy. I mean... What did you see? What did you see? I saw that she saw the name Chuck. You just said Chuck?

Starting point is 01:21:16 No, it was... Cause I had... Oh my God, do we have to do this right fucking now? This is the shit. I swear to God you haven't been here, but this is the best fucking interview of the night right now. Everybody else was scared.

Starting point is 01:21:30 They didn't want to be honest. They gave me nothing to work with. This is the hardest hosting job in the world. What I do in front of a bunch of fucking strangers and you're making it fun and easy. I appreciate that, nigga. Now tell me what happened. Absolutely.

Starting point is 01:21:49 Absolutely. It is Black History Month, so. I fuck with white girls because they got non-threatening farts. Hold on, hold on, hold on. Before we go there, I know you're trying to change the subject here, but I want to go back. White bitches eat trail mix and grass.

Starting point is 01:22:06 That's true. That's true. All right. You know what, favorite kind of ground meat they love? Chuck. Okay, so some Chuck beef. Oh. Oh.

Starting point is 01:22:21 N***a, it was fuck Chuck. Now you wanna n***a side? Yeah, I'm like, what's up, Chuck? Okay, so you see Chuck in the phone, and then what happens? What do you, you confront her right away? Is she asleep at the time? Is she in the shower? How'd you get the,

Starting point is 01:22:37 how'd you get the phone? She had, I'll I can remember, cause I was just so fucking enraged. She had a robe on, and I just remember- A robe on? She had a robe on and I just remember a roll bar. She had a roll bar. A row bond. Right. Absolutely. I can remember. Yeah. She had a row bond. All I can remember. We had just fuck. Oh, this was. Oh, you know what? Okay. I'm remembering now. Yep. Okay. Wow. This is a traumatizing moment. You're

Starting point is 01:22:59 having fucking Vietnam flashbacks right now. Fuck it. I'm getting on flashbacks right now. Fuck it. Oh, come back, come back. What the fuck is that? Don't do that, don't do that. Okay, let me tell you the story. So I'm there, I went through a laptop, nigga.

Starting point is 01:23:16 I went through a laptop, right? And then I seen, oh, come over and da da da da da, at like a specific time, right? And previously she had told me she had just kiss chuck. Oh. You know? And I just kinda let it, right? Right.

Starting point is 01:23:32 At this point in time, dude, I was fucking sad. I was traveling all the way back and forth. It was a long distance relationship. Yeah. So I was traveling all the way back. She was in Montreal? She was in this shitty town called Brantford, Ontario. Go ahead. She was in this shitty town called Brantford, Ontario.

Starting point is 01:23:45 Go ahead. So, I had went through her iPad while she was in class, because it was university at the time. And then... What kind of hair does she do? Huh? She was at cosmetic school? She's white. She's a teacher now.

Starting point is 01:24:00 Oh, I forgot she was white. That makes sense. A good old teacher. She's a teacher now teacher of things. Go ahead. You're doing good. I'm making callbacks to things from earlier. You don't know about it's okay. Just trust me. I like you. I got you. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. So I had my car, nigga what? Okay, go ahead.

Starting point is 01:24:27 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Go ahead, I was going back to her with the road, but now you're going to a car, you got your car. I have my car, right? Yeah, you're going to a car. And she's like, okay, you picked me up from fucking, from class. Yeah, you're swerving all around the road.

Starting point is 01:24:37 Yeah, go ahead. I pick her up and like, I know that she had fucked Chuck. And I'm just there driving, I'm like, oh yeah, everything's fine, I'm psychotic. So yeah, I'm psychotic. So I'm just driving, I'm acting like everything's normal, we get back to the house, and I say, you know what, I'm a fucked this bitch one last time.

Starting point is 01:24:57 Because I fucked her one last time. That's why she had the robe on. That's why. You fucked her one last time. We fucked one last time. She does the robe on. You fucked her one last time. We fucked one last time. She does the robe on. I get my fucking leather jacket on. I fucking put my leather jacket on.

Starting point is 01:25:11 I get up and then I head for the door. She's like, where are you going? I said, nigga, I'm gone. And then I went to the car and she ran outside in her robe. I can remember this vividly. It is very traumatic, but I'm telling you because I'm on Kill Tony. And then I'm like, okay, cool. I love it.

Starting point is 01:25:25 Very smart. You are the devil, nigga. You let me sell my fucking soul on this show. You're killing it, bro. That's... You heard D-Madness. D-Madness said trust. He's absolutely spot on there.

Starting point is 01:25:44 He knows about fucking. He doesn't need to see me to know how good I am at this. He can feel it. There's an energy. Demand is stay by the way is a Valentine's Day this Wednesday. He's playing at the Skylark Lounge six to eight. Go ahead. This is sad. I mean that's not the first business for when I went through Hold on. Hold on a second. I really didn't really get to finish the story. She comes out in the robe and then you say what?

Starting point is 01:26:09 Fuck you, bitch. I'm gone. You didn't tell her why? No. She figured out after, but I didn't tell her. I went and drove all the way back home. You talked with her afterwards? Yeah, we still talked to this day.

Starting point is 01:26:19 And you're like, no, you fuck Chuck. And she's like, you know, I don't care. I love it. Oh! Okay, okay, okay. It was all set up for that. You're the devil. I was just trying to get there the whole time.

Starting point is 01:26:35 I love you react to my jokes, how black people react to magic tricks. You're the fucking devil. This guy's got demon powers. How did he get to that joke? How the fuck you'd run away right now if you knew which direction it could go. If I wasn't on Kill Tony, I would've ran out. Yes, yes, I would've ran out.

Starting point is 01:26:53 Yeah. I also went through another bitch's phone. Yeah. I'm gonna talk to you all fuck at night. I don't get shit. I drove, we went all the way to Mexico. It was her birthday, right? What is right, white lady?

Starting point is 01:27:08 So, went to Mexico, everything was fine, everything was great, you know, I'm that nigga. So, yeah, so. Me too. That's how I feel on the inside. I feel the energy, you do kind of feel, nigglity, not full, not full, but I feel you. I feel you.

Starting point is 01:27:28 I got two black organs, my heart. No, nothing, nothing, nothing. Mexico, right? Fucking, we're in Mexico having a great time going zip lining, doing all these white activities I've never done, like swimming and shit. So we're fucking, we're fucking in Mexico. I go through the bitch's phone.

Starting point is 01:27:55 You know who she's texting? This is a great time. Usher. No, not usher, niggas. Chuck. No, man. She is texting the most randomest person. She's texting Marlon Wayne's son. Oh, my God.

Starting point is 01:28:09 Sean Wayne's. And this nigga, this is a little nigga. He's like 17. Yep. And she's, you know what she said to him? He's like, what are you doing? He's like, what are you doing in Mexico? And she's like, oh, I'm on a girls trip.

Starting point is 01:28:20 Oh, my God. Fuck you, Natalie. Oh, my God. She's like, I'm on a girls trip. Look at all these leather pants. I swear Deshawn Johnson. Anything for Deshawn or you create the booking you should be well. No, no, I'm just saying because of Express VPN. I will allow you to come to the club. If you can do a five minute set Thursday, thousand percent. I'm here. There you go. Five minutes. You're booked and the double gun Bones I big joke book. Welcome to the family. Deshawn

Starting point is 01:28:54 Johnson. Everybody the shit is going down. No, we're going to get back to this. Believe it or not, D'Shawn, who's from Toronto, Canada, and just by complete coincidence on my lineup, there happens to be a Golden Ticket winner here tonight from Toronto, Canada, an absolute legend of the game. You know him from this show, and of course from America's Got Talent. This is the great and powerful, the return of Aaron Belial, everybody.

Starting point is 01:29:33 I love it. I don't care. Hey. Hey. Hey. Come on, make some noise one more time for Aaron. Lights out, but while... live here on Kill Tony. One of my first jokes was comparing myself with Stephen Hawking, but in light of the recent controversy, I want to clarify, I don't like children. The closest I've ever been to Epstein Island was Chuck E. Cheese. I was just trying to steal pizza, and one kid came up to me, and he's like the Santa Maitronic thing is broken.

Starting point is 01:30:33 Fuck you kid. This is why I don't like you guys. I could never keep up with all the kids running around. Hawking must have had turbo on his fuck chair. From now on, I'm just going to compare myself to someone less problematic like Helen Keller. At least until we find out something like, just cause she couldn't see, hear, or speak. Didn't mean she wasn't a hansy bitch. Excuse me, Ms. Keller, my balls aren't braille.

Starting point is 01:31:18 The great Aaron Belial, ladies and gentlemen. Write down the barrel, his own position, his own perspective, material that only he can do. Another absolutely fantastic set, Aaron. How we feelin' tonight? How's it goin'? What's shakin' other than your left hand?

Starting point is 01:31:42 Oh shit. Oh, oh my God. Oh my God. What is happening? That's gross. Oh my God. Oh, shit. That thing is work- So this week is actually my one-year kill Tony anniversary. I want to try something different here. Can I be real for a sec? Hold on. Repeat that again. You don't have to type it all the way out, do you? Oh, you do.

Starting point is 01:32:05 I want to be real for a sec. Yeah. Growing up in my situation was really shitty. I wanted to be understood, and nobody wanted to listen. And it made me depressed for 25 years. Then I started therapy and comedy, and got on Kill Tony. And now I'm making a living having fun. People care what I have to say.

Starting point is 01:32:23 And it's partly because I work 80 hours a week like I have eight arms. But it all started here. You're always doing what you can to help. And I really appreciate that. Damn. Don't touch me ever for the rest of the history of the show. Don't touch me. Wow.

Starting point is 01:32:44 Thank you, Aaron. That's Wow, thank you, Aaron. That's very, very sweet of you. I mean, absolutely unbelievable. The type of love that I feel from you, I really can only describe, and by typing it through a phone and having a robot voice speak back to you. I'm speaking the language of comedy,

Starting point is 01:33:04 which turns out to be my real voice, from a guy who has always wanted to be heard. Thank you, you're like the Jesus of the special needs community. Please don't die. If you die, we are all fucked. It is true, except I actually exist, unlike Jesus.

Starting point is 01:33:21 But I do, I text with you quite often, you are one of the nicest human beings. A true Canadian, not like that last guy that was up here. Have you ever seen him do stand up? D'Shaun Johnson, he's from Toronto, funny guy. You don't remember him, the one black guy in Toronto? You were too busy crossing the other side of the street when you saw him.

Starting point is 01:33:42 They're all black dude. Yeah, he's like, D'Shawn's like, there's no way I can get the watch off this guy's left wrist. I don't know what's going on here. Lock down that shit is more crooked than Hillary Clinton. I don't know what's going on there. Is that thing reaching? Is that is it? Is it stay the same? Is it always been at that angle? It's kind of going backwards. It's getting tighter. Stay the same? Has it always been at that angle? It's kind of going backwards. It's getting tighter. Yeah, it seems like you're trying to grab your own wrist right now. It's some type of jujitsu or something like that. It is absolutely incredible.

Starting point is 01:34:12 The clock is about to strike 3.30 here on your left hand. Here he goes. He got my 3.30 choked. That's what that was a little Canadian. There's a there's a transaction currency exchange. Can you get me a gift card for stem cells? We might be able to actually do something. We are friends with the Great Brigham over ways too well, Well, which actually famously injects stem cells into people and heals them rapidly and does miraculous stuff. The reason why Aaron Rodgers was ready for the playoffs had the jets not completely blown it is because of Austin's own Ways Too Well.

Starting point is 01:34:59 I would be interested to see what would happen if we injected your wrist with stem cells. It seems like it couldn't fucking hurt. That's for sure. I'm pretty sure, I'm pretty sure it's not gonna get any worse. Is that something you'd actually wanna do? Yeah, okay, let's fucking try it. That'll be a fun episode. Just keep some Narcan on deck and fucking.

Starting point is 01:35:21 Do a GIF animation. Hey! Holy shit, the fucking, hold fucking hold on to Sean Johnson's Insidious to get back to his seat real quick. Look at this fucking white guy Well, boy, it's a long walk How can it get any worse fall off and stop getting caught on shit How can it get any worse? Fall off and stop getting caught on shit. That is true.

Starting point is 01:35:47 Anything else crazy going on? Anything you want to promote or plug or anything like that? I got jumped on 6th Street on New Year's so I bought a Taser Cane online. I'm so excited to electrocute someone. Oh my God, you have a Taser Cane? That's a thing? So you're actually going to try to fight somebody back? Next time someone tries to jump me,

Starting point is 01:36:09 I'm gonna taser them on one side until they look like me. All right. Yeah! Unbelievable. Pretty soon, all of Sixth Street is gonna look like a scene from a zombie movie. Everybody just... Hell, yeah. Pretty soon, all of Sixth Street is gonna look like a scene from a zombie movie. Everybody just...

Starting point is 01:36:27 Hell yeah. I love it! Dee loves it! Aaron, you're a freak. What else? On the way here, a crackhead comes up to me, and this is not a joke. He says, oh my god, do you have the polio? No, but I have the thunder What? I don't get that one Oh, the electrocane

Starting point is 01:37:01 Do you have polio? Well, I thought I was addicted to my phone. I want the electric chain now. All right, D-Madness is out of control. I'm pretty sure I saw Joe list, action bar play. I'm pretty sure I saw Joe list naked at the check-e-cheese, naked in the ball pit. Oh, you son of a bitch. Is this true, Joe?

Starting point is 01:37:22 He's ratting you out over here. One time. Naked in the ball pit. Oh, you son of a bitch. Is this true, Joe? He's ratting you out over here. One time. Okay, Aaron. If they found a way to combine me and Joe, we might make one full person. Holy shit. Anything else, Aaron? You're fucking killing. Oh, my God, you're just roasting Joe. How dare you? Yeah, I put you out in front of

Starting point is 01:37:48 these great comedians. You just come out and fucking burn bridges that you can barely walk across and absolutely incredible. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. You just come out and fucking burn bridges that you can barely walk across. And absolutely incredible. He started it. Look, anytime you make fun of somebody,

Starting point is 01:38:15 just remember there's five fingers pointing back at you. Oh. Anything else, Aaron? For the love of God. I'm sorry. Do you want to hug? Sure. Is this a trick? All right.

Starting point is 01:38:33 Hell yeah. Absolutely. Oh, absolutely adorable. Aaron Belial, here we go. You gonna plug something or promote something? This weekend I'm gonna be in Halifax, then I'm going to the Ohio area. March 21st, I'm at Wise Guys in Vegas,

Starting point is 01:38:51 and then Wichita. Come out and get your tickets at mutecomedian.com. Mutecomedian.com, no doubt about it. Go see them, support these fucking gangsters that we have, reigning, defending, golden ticket winner, one of the few, the proud, an absolute lightning cane of jokes. One more time for the great Aaron Belial, everybody.

Starting point is 01:39:16 We are, we started a little late. Your next bucket poll goes by the name of Daisy Hart everybody Daisy Hart. Hi everybody, I'm Daisy, the world's worst Asian. I'm allergic to shellfish, so no sushi dates for me. I also delivered my first baby at 18. I'm Asian. I already ruined that one. I was going to say I'm not actually a Mexican.

Starting point is 01:39:57 Since I delivered at 18, it was an emergency delivery for one of my friends. And I made the horrible life decision of becoming a nurse that night because I delivered a super premium baby and you know ten years later lots of trauma later I learned through therapy that you know I can try to make a joke about my life and hope that it comes out funny but looking at your face it's not coming out funny tonight but also also, I had some one-liners, like guys that do yoga. Are you guys able to suck your own dicks?

Starting point is 01:40:31 Because I'd really love to learn how to do that, so I can increase my hyper-independence, as my Uber driver told me it's called. But my doctor says it's really just a control freak issue. So that's why I like to do things where I'm in control, like making boys into sissies. So there we go. Okay, Daisy Hart, welcome, welcome.

Starting point is 01:40:54 I love it, treating this like a true therapy session up here. Yeah, you know, free therapy for the week. I had to skip last week. Okay, hi Daisy, how long you been doing stand up? I actually have only done like a burlesque comedy, like sexy story thing at Poor Troyes's one time, like last year. Okay, what made you wanna come here

Starting point is 01:41:14 where there's millions of viewers with no real practice? Well, I did actually practice and like totally forgot everything whenever I got out here, which is just kind of like my little sixth grade talent show where we came out with no microphones and tried to sing so it's like reliving that trauma all over again, but no, it's totally fine. Okay, a lot of trauma.

Starting point is 01:41:37 You have big, crazy eyes Daisy. Tell us more about you. I have very big eyes for Asian, you know. Are you really Asian? Are you sure about that? I'm a first generation American. What kind of Asian are you? Filipino. So the Mexican of Asians. How Filipino are you?

Starting point is 01:41:52 Half. And what's the other half? Portuguese, which I hear is the cause of slavery. So I learned that this year. A lot of sad, fun facts. Sorry, yeah. Jolis, what do you think about Daisy here? Well, she forgot her act and I wish I could also.

Starting point is 01:42:10 I'm sorry. I apologize. I really hope that it would be better, but I came with a friend for both of our first times and didn't think that both of us would get on here. Like I thought once he got on, like I was like in the clear. Your friend also got on? Yeah.

Starting point is 01:42:24 Who's your friend? Roy Mendoza. got on? Yeah. Who was your friend? Roy Mendoza. Oh, Jesus Christ. So was that bad? I told him to practice. Well, I'll tell you, you did exactly as good as he did. Exactly. He retired.

Starting point is 01:42:35 Did he tell you? Did you guys get to talk in between this? No. Oh, you don't know. He's retired for life. I, I, that would be good. Literally retired. We retired. Just the drummer at church forever for him. Is literally retired. We retired. The drummer at church forever for him. Is that what he was? That's how you know him. No, not the church. I know

Starting point is 01:42:52 him through like an insurance sales job, which is even worse. Oh my God, it's all real. This is incredible. Yeah, this is a fucking. This is the story of an evening. Two hundred people sign up and fucking you two get pulled out of this guy. I know I really thought I had like other jokes saved it, but do you have other jokes? Are you remembering them now? Not now that I'm looking at your face. No, um, my face is I mean, a lot of my jokes are like about turning boys into sissies and why would you do that in real life? I mean, I lot of my jokes are like about turning boys into sissies. Why? Why would you do that in real life? I mean, I really want to.

Starting point is 01:43:27 But let's talk about your real life. My real life. So I like tend to turn boys into that point where they question their sexuality. You know, I could kind of see why. Yeah. I mean, I'm a little bit masculine for being a girl. What's masculine about you? I don't. Just my vibe, maybe hopefully. Maybe hopefully?

Starting point is 01:43:48 You think so? I'm super confident about that, as you could tell. Where do you live? Here in Austin. And you think you're masculine? I mean, for a girl, like I'm not as girly as girly girls. I'm not good at girl stuff. That's what every girl says.

Starting point is 01:44:01 I mean, some girls say that. Some girls are good at it. You know, they can contour and like make themselves look like a completely different person, but I at least like look the same when I take my makeup off, so. When you take your makeup off? Okay, you look the same.

Starting point is 01:44:15 Pretty much the same. What do you look like without glasses? Like this. Okay, all right. Like I can see less a little bit. Okay. Yeah, you definitely don't look better. No, I'm just kidding. You look great. That was a good one. You look very damn. You almost got a laugh there. You got to oh, but it was close. At least it was some kind of a reaction. A little bit. That's good. You're getting closer to being compelling,

Starting point is 01:44:38 Daisy. Oh, so you're allergic to shellfish. You had to help a chick have a baby when you were 18. Yeah. OK. I didn't mean to say like I delivered it with a clothes hanger, but. And you want to learn how to suck your own dick? I mean, if I had a dick, I would definitely

Starting point is 01:44:53 want to learn how to suck it. I feel like it'd be very efficient that way. Seems like you want one. I do. I actually have tried a few on. You know what the strap on sets? You get to pick your own stuff. So you've never been with a woman before?

Starting point is 01:45:03 Yeah. You enjoy that more than being with a man. I'm 50 50. I'm very in the unicorn land of people. How old are you? How old do I look 40 40? I always tell people I'm 40. Do I really look 40? Yeah, it's both. It's your eyes. It's your eyes. You've seen a lot with those I have seen a lot I would I was forced into like childhood nursing slavery at like five so tell me what do you mean by that is that true yeah my parents had a care home so like I worked with old people like the whole beginning of my life and then I've been a nurse the whole rest of my life since then so I'm tired yeah yeah I'm tired

Starting point is 01:45:42 to like I could take an internal sleep. Whatever trauma that you've suffered is like airborne. You carry it with you. It's contagious. I was really hoping that I'd like healed enough to come out and make it funny and then like, you know, have a good time with it. You're having a good time. She ruined my Asian fetish. Like I mean, it's a good thing you're getting married though. You found one. So you tricked her into it. Look, she knows her stuff. You are right. You tricked her into that money. Daisy, anything interesting about your life before we let you go? I've done a lot of awake lipo suction and tummy tucks. So that's really funny. You mean you've done that. I worked for a company that does, you

Starting point is 01:46:22 know, I've worked in worked in surgery before as a nurse, so, but I didn't realize when I did my interview that our company does the isn't it weird when you're doing surgery and you're the one in the corner that just keeps cutting yourself. I mean, I didn't really cut myself too much. I'm scared of my own blood. You're scared. I'm really good at cutting people's tummies. Really? They would let you do that. I mean, they let you with a cotterizer. You know, you do tummy tucks and get rid of all that extra skin that the girls get after they have all the babies. You they would let you do that. Well me and the doctors so you know the doctors that are like the surgeons that are okay with you you know doing more they let you do a

Starting point is 01:46:59 little bit more because they're training you. So I, you're just cutting off skin that's gonna go in the garbage anyways, so. Right, okay Daisy. Well, very interesting. Here's a small joke book. Can you catch? Let's see if you catch like a boy. You think you're so manly. Put your glasses on, I don't want you to have an excuse.

Starting point is 01:47:18 I don't know if that's gonna make it any better. I'm still Asian. You're so manly for a girl. Here comes the joke book. Oh, that's not fair. Just kidding. There she goes, Daisy Hart everybody. Daisy Hart. Woof.

Starting point is 01:47:34 Woof. Yikes. Okay, your final bucket pull of the night. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Cody O'Dell everyone. Cody O'Dell, everyone. Cody O'Dell. Here he is. Cody O'Dell, everyone. Hey, how's it going, guys?

Starting point is 01:47:58 Do I just, I just start, I guess. I've never done this. How's it going, guy? I was listening to this podcast and this guy was like, these only fans, women aren't, these only fans girls aren't traditional women. Right? I was like, this guy's clearly never heard of the oldest job in the world. Clearly you all have never heard of the oldest job in the world.

Starting point is 01:48:22 Have you? Hey! O.F. girls are traditional. Right? All right. I've been looking for an apartment. I've been looking for an apartment and I saw a listing and it said the walls were painted agreeable gray. And I have a problem with that. You know, like we don't even agree on how to spell gray. Right, some people spell it G-R-E-Y, right? And other people spell it wrong, right, exactly. wrong, right, exactly. There it is, the absolute maximum amount of time for Cody O'Dell. Cody, how do you feel right now? I feel like I could have done better, but you know. That's an honest answer. Cody, how long have you been doing stand up? Fourteen years.

Starting point is 01:49:28 What do you mean? What do you mean you've been doing it for 14 years? I did my first cap city over my like in 2010. I mean, I've been around. I lived in New York for a while, came back. I know I'm a musician mostly right before I did comedy. Okay. And then like banquets.

Starting point is 01:49:44 So I just 14 years in the game. Joe, you ever seen Cody O'Dellup there in New York? No, I've never seen Cody before. I'm interested that your whole band quit. That's... I know. I don't like to be me, I'm not a mean guy, but that's literally the worst standup set

Starting point is 01:50:04 I've ever seen ever. All the time. From a bad person in a band or just? No, no, any person. Oh, any person. That was tremendously bad. Damn. That was, I don't know if I could try to be that bad

Starting point is 01:50:21 and succeed. So it's like, I'm not good at being mean, but watch this. That was really one of that reaction. Joe, that might be one of my favorite reactions to anybody doing anything ever like you're literally like I've never seen him before like you're cracking up. It was unbelievable. Cody, I think I've seen you around town playing music. What do you? What do you do musically? I'm a drummer and vocalist. You're a vocalist? Yeah. Okay. Can we do like a song that you can do?

Starting point is 01:50:45 You know, you, you a song that these guys can do? We can do what? Sarduk if you guys want to do. This is going to be one of those moments where you realize this guy should never try stand up again. I'm excited. It's one of my favorite songs. I'm excited.

Starting point is 01:50:57 Can we, can we make a deal real quick before we do this? Cause I could tell this is going to kill. How about you? I'm going to do a song. I'm going to do a song. I'm going to do a song. I'm going to do a song. I'm going to do a song. I'm excited, it's one of my favorite songs, I'm excited. Can we make a deal real quick before we do this? Because I could tell this is gonna kill. I'm gonna do the opposite because I am in full control

Starting point is 01:51:14 and the creator of the show. I wanna do the opposite of what we did with Roy Mendoza. I think that if you do great, you should retire from stand-up comedy. Do we have a deal? Can we possibly retire you from stand-up here today? I was literally sitting over here in this bar and I was thinking like I sold out the love of my life for comedy and then I came in here and this was,

Starting point is 01:51:40 no, no, it's fine. I don't like, I'm just like. Hold on, Cody, stick with me. So I gotta do it, I guess. It's like infected me. Stick with me here. When you say you sold out the love of your life for comedy. What exactly do you mean?

Starting point is 01:51:50 Because I think it's the only thing you've you're ever going to sell out the entire life. I just just like pursuing comedy. I did it like she left you because of that. Well, I just I became an asshole. So I ruined the relationship. How does it become an asshole? You know, going out to like four o'clock in the morning in New York City, getting fucked up. Wow. I quit drinking like almost two years ago. So it's something you'll never stop doing is stand up comedy.

Starting point is 01:52:18 I'm going to do it because I love it. I like, I don't care if I make it like in a sense. I know I'm funny. I may have not had a good set tonight, but there's been people that have had a great set and then they're fucking suck. So you guys are great. I love you all. Thank you. But yeah, I mean, it's a-

Starting point is 01:52:33 I've done it long enough to not get bad on one set, although this is- Hold on, Cody, stick with me here. I don't want you to have a mental breakdown live in front of a million people. I'm gonna help you through this. When you say there's people that have had a great set and then they suck, you mean like they only have

Starting point is 01:52:48 a minute of good material and then they come back and it gets rougher? I'm saying like I've seen somebody do it for like four months and murder a room. Everybody then I've seen somebody that you know do it for a long period of time and like might just not have a good set, you know? Right.

Starting point is 01:53:01 Kind of how it goes. Worse set Joe has ever seen in his life. Yeah, that's crazy. Like you must not have been a very man. I ask you this fourteen years, fourteen years in the game. Was that a newer minute the gray that's a newer minute for sure. Okay, how about this? How about we do fourteen years your best most effective joke you've ever written in fourteen years. Here it is. Ladies and gentlemen,

Starting point is 01:53:23 fourteen years. This is the best joke ever from Cody O'Dell. I think Disney ruined relationships just because they set the bar too high. You know, I just like I am. Guys, am I right? I mean like do you have anybody have a castle here like the beast beast even. He was a mutant and he had an enchanted castle. Right? Like of course she's not gonna be satisfied with my one bed, one bath. Like, yeah, exactly.

Starting point is 01:53:55 No, I'm not taking a girl on a magic carpet ride. Like maybe a magic key ride. Just be like, I can show you a mortgage. Shining, shimmering interest. I'm a sign of a whole new loan. A dazzling rate. You never knew. No wonder. Tell us no. You need collateral.

Starting point is 01:54:45 That's the end of this joke. All right. That's better than the first minute. Let's send it with a song. One, two, one, two, three. Music is a world where penets sound Where the language we're in it's sound where the language we all understand they can feel it all

Starting point is 01:55:12 they can feel it all the room all right all right all right all right okay Cody O'Dell honestly before I thought you should retire from stand-up and be a musician. Now I think you should retire from both, but here you go with a little jokebook. There he goes. Cody O'Dell, ladies and gentlemen. These musicians, something else. Go to matthewtm.org, check out Matt Mueling's new single. And go to johndys.bandcamp.com, check out his whole repertoire of music there.

Starting point is 01:55:56 Again, D-Madness Day is Valentine's Day. Check him out at the Skylarg Lounge, 6 to 8. Alright, Jesus Christ. The last two bucket pools, I'm sure there's a few people watching online that have killed themselves and won't even get to see the final comedian of the night. He's a legend, everybody. He is the only, actually he's not. We have two living members of the Hall of Fame now. David Lucas has also joined the fray. But this man, record for most sets, most interviews, most

Starting point is 01:56:27 everything. Some people call him the Sultan of San Antonio, the Duke of Davencourt, the Islander of the British Isles, the Tijuana Tornado, the Des Moines drowning. Dude, ladies and gentlemen, the Memphis Strangler, the Big Red Machine, the one and only William Montgomery, everybody. I just would like to first off say Cody the singing wasn't that much better you fucking idiot and I swear to God I felt a little threatened when he was like oh some people have good minutes I'm thinking dude fucking kill yourself it, kill yourself! Ah! Pfft. Okay. They recently found three chiefs fans frozen to death in their buddy's backyard.

Starting point is 01:57:31 Apparently right before they died, one of them said, wouldn't it be cool if we watch the Super Bowl with Toby Keith? ... They're in hell. I'm insinuating they're in hell. Okay.

Starting point is 01:57:45 Real quick housekeeping note, if anybody finds a Tamagotchi pet lying around, please return to Red Band. He was gonna feed it, but he was too hungry and it fell out of his pocket. Knuckles from the Sonic universe is getting a standalone film. Not to be outdone Kirby from the Nintendo universe is getting a standalone only fans. Apparently Kirby has a special talent that I had to see to believe in. Yeah, it's true. Kirby swallows that shit whole. Okay, that's my time. Thank you.

Starting point is 01:58:20 I love it. One minute, 15 seconds from the left. Okay, that's my time. Thank you. I love it. One minute, 15 seconds from the legend. The man that's done it more than anyone ever has in the history of the show, the big red machine, William Lights Out Montgomery. Yeah, I mean, I would honestly like to see that piece of shit Cody try to do this fucking weekend and weekend. Just by his stinky fucking attitude, Tony, I mean, I would honestly like to see that piece of shit Cody tried to do this fucking weekend and week out Just buy a stinky fucking attitude Tony. I swear to God right off the bat It's like he thinks he could dude you can never do this shit you piece of shit

Starting point is 01:58:53 I'm back there fucking getting way too high. I hear that fucking idiot come up on the stage I'm literally worried about Tom of the Tom a gotchy pet from Redman. That's all I'm thinking about. Okay, he kind of did have a terrible attitude. That part did stand out to me where he goes. Some people have a good set and then they suck. Like it's like, well, yeah, but you want to have more good sets than bad sets. But yeah, it's like, do the math. You fucking Tom. That's like, seriously, it's these fucking delusional fucking weirdos in this fucking place. I love it. Oh, your mustache blew up just then. You could do that.

Starting point is 01:59:33 It did. It almost blew off. That's incredible. I didn't know you could do that. That's a well. It was actually a $400 surgery. I got this past Thursday, Tony. What did they do exactly?

Starting point is 01:59:45 They added more hair. They got hair from the back of my head kind of back here. Yeah, where there's hair, yeah. And yeah, they did an implant. They started out, I'm thinking about implants on the top of my head Tony. I was actually... Have you thought about perhaps taking some of your beard hairs and putting them on the top of your head? Tony, I look like a black person. They're all frizzy move on aboard aboard ah no, but yeah, Tony, I don't think it could work. That mustache is flying every which

Starting point is 02:00:23 mustache is flying every which night it is amazing that we have done this publicly for so many years and every week you find new things this mustache thing is killing me you know think it's funny you fucking idiot I've been looking at you this all fucking time You seem like a real weirdo. Oh, I see your nasty look at a slot in right beside you now. You know who that is. That's the great actor Edward Norton right there. I don't know if you know that he was the incredible hall holy shit. Yeah, it's a star star audience. The great Matthew McConaughey's watching from the from the don't look you idiot. This white trash retard the man do my call to hey not an audience name and no he was there. You fucking idiot. Shut up.

Starting point is 02:01:15 There's a it's a star studded audience. A lot of a lot of a lot of hit people been getting into kill Tony lately. Yeah, I actually got a letter. Tony brings it up because I got a letter from the founder of Vitamix. He he's a really nice old man these days, but yeah, he wants me to be their new sponsor, not to bring it up because of the sponsorship, but yeah, the Vitamix. I mean, it's like the dude. He's a fucking legend. I grew up Tony. I started. I's like the dude. He's a fucking legend. I grew up. Tony. I started this weird thing when I was in Salt Lake City. I started buying coins on an

Starting point is 02:01:52 infomer. Oh God, no, I swear to God. No, I bought five hundred dollars worth of coins and if I sell each one individually, they're gonna make me two thousand dollars. I got a couple of them. I spent a thousand dollars. I have four thousand. How much did you spend on the five hundred dollars worth of coins? With I don't know. I mean I in it. I spent fifteen hundred. You spent fifteen hundred dollars on five hundred dollars worth of yeah. If I sell no, it's worth. I bought two packs. I was worth 4,000. So I'm looking at tripling my money.

Starting point is 02:02:27 Wow, and you're you plan on doing this coin by coin, perhaps the audience members, what's your plan of executing this exactly? I don't know, I gotta figure it out. I did just recently start, I've been a big eBay lurker for many years and I've finally started to make my presence known on eBay. I'm posting everything, I'm doing these pictures of these coins.

Starting point is 02:02:48 I started drawing as well, Tony. I've got really good at drawing the Kennedy half-dollars. I have so many half-dollars that are about to be on the market on my eBay site, but you can't, honestly, I have an eBay site. I'm really, I might, I don't know, I might have to hang all this up. Where can people find your eBay site at Williams coins on eBay? Just Williams coins is my shop. Okay, there's going to be a lot of people looking up Williams coins. I implore you in the next three weeks to actually build that eBay. The way you looked at me made me think that you may

Starting point is 02:03:23 have been kidding and I took it a little serious Yeah, did you think that was funny Edward Norton you fucking idiot? I hated you in the Hulk you dumbass. Why did you have to destroy? Oh, I have bad news there actually is a Williams coins already 24,000 items sold 534 followers and bad news, they have much better coins than you have, than you are offering. Tony, that is my actual eBay site.

Starting point is 02:03:52 I wanted to get it out tonight. I have been selling coins on eBay for the past, yeah, 10 years. So I was trying to think of a creative way to get it out there, but yes, that is actually, I've made a lot of money on that. So. Wow, that is incredible.'ve made a lot of money on that. So wow, that is incredible. I had no idea about this coin business. I'm always finding out new,

Starting point is 02:04:11 very interesting, intriguing things about you. Such a compelling subject. You were out last week with a sinus infection. Would you like to tell us about that? I was. I'm going to be honest with you all at the very beginning. I was just, I can always tell I'm gonna be honest with y'all at the very beginning. I was just I can always tell I'm starting to get sick when I just started getting so Hungry I just I have this insane appetite. I just started. I'm starving Just walking around the apartment. Just look at like what do I have fucking macaroni in here? What do I have I got macaroni, but hold on What's the milk in here and then it's like wait I got the milk Do I have the butter in this fucking play and And then I just get so starving, Tony.

Starting point is 02:04:47 And I have to start walking around. And then I start eating peanut butter crackers. And I'm like, yeah, sure enough, I got a sinus infection in my throat. I'm coughing everywhere. I'm eating peanut butter crackers everywhere. I'm waiting to call your ass, Tony. And I'm scared to death.

Starting point is 02:05:02 I'm going to think Tony's going to be so angry. You did wait until the last minute. You waited till about 20 minutes before the show started last week to let me know you were really stalling. I was and hold on. Why was that so funny? I always like you Michael, but why was that so funny? Okay, but yeah, no, I honestly was sick sick. I was sick. I was sick. I was sick. I was sick. I was sick. I was sick.

Starting point is 02:05:27 I was sick. I was sick. I was sick. I was sick. I was sick. I was sick. I was sick. I was sick.

Starting point is 02:05:35 I was sick. I was sick. I was sick. I was sick. I was sick. I was sick. I was sick. I was sick.

Starting point is 02:05:43 I was sick. I was sick. I was sick. I was mode. No, Tony, I started having these horrible nightmares. We have this plant situated in the bedroom and it looks like somebody's head and I wake up and I think there's zombies in there and the first time it happened I said, oh, hello. What were you eating at the time? My girlfriend was like, why would you? It's a zombie. You probably shouldn't.

Starting point is 02:05:59 Where were you eating when you were playing these games? Rattle off some food for us. Yeah, you know I was was eating the macaroni attack. You know I'm not eating the macaroni attack. It's macaroni and cheese for those of you that don't understand in prunes. The prunes have been helping my bowel movements. Tony, I took a shit today. There was I swear to God, three feet long. I had to get it out of the water to fucking get my tape measure out I had to figure out how to use the tape measure to measure it because the shit is so fucking floppy bet

Starting point is 02:06:34 So then I had to tape measure that shit Tony It was fucking nasty and there's shit everywhere and I'm trying another puzzle tonight What's on the puzzle this week? What type of... Oh! The mustache almost blew completely off on that one. What kind of puzzle are you doing this week? It's weirdly enough, it's a bunch of Jewish people

Starting point is 02:06:56 that look like him. It's... Oh, wow! Spot it again. Yeah, it's a... Wow! Oh my gosh. Are you a Gentile? You're Jewish as well. Okay, cool.

Starting point is 02:07:16 Wow, that almost that almost hit the ceiling on that one. The mustaches climbing out the walls. All right. All right. Hold on a second. Let's hold on a second here. William, what are you passionate about this week before we let you go? Joe, you've seen William before. What did you think about this performance? Many times. I loved it.

Starting point is 02:07:33 Tell me straight. No, I loved it. I'm still rattled. Yeah, yeah, tell me what you think. I'm still rattled from the last guy. I'm not gonna sleep. I feel terrible. It is incredible.

Starting point is 02:07:42 No, he asked you a question about what you thought about my set. I know, I don't really give a shit about that fucking idiot before you. I was the answer Tony's question. I thought the said he's lights out killer. You don't believe that that really I don't believe you so and that's fine. Everybody's allowed to have their own opinions. No, I loved it. I still love it. Still going. Yeah. It is true. And to think right now Cody O'Dell is walking down the street, probably with

Starting point is 02:08:12 his hands in his pockets, pretending like nothing went wrong tonight. Rationalizing like yeah, I had a bed set this time, but I'm going to go back and I'm going to fucking show them because when they see some other jokes that I've written over the last 14 years, you know, that that relationships be like Disney World was just the tip of the iceberg, the tip of the spear. Yeah, I mean, he's got a lot of promise. If he just sticks with it, I think he really could turn it around.

Starting point is 02:08:43 I mean, it's 14 years, whatever Rebbi is doing it, what, 20 years and he's still, ah! He's got a lot of promise if he just sticks with it. I think he really could turn it around. I mean, it's 14 years, whatever, Rebion's doing it, what, 20 years, and he's still, ah. Ah. What are we gonna hear about the dolphin pussy again, you dumbass? I'm kidding, I love you, Red Band. Aw, they love each other.

Starting point is 02:09:02 Red Band, you wanna tell them that you love him too? I love you. I love you too. Oh my God. What a magical moment. I feel like red bands about to propose again. Right. You know, you know, oh, look at this. Look at this. All right, William, anything else before we let you go? Anything you want to promote or anything like that? Just play. Everybody is so sweet. Anybody's ever gotten a cameo so sweet. Tony, we are fucking I am balls deep in those motherfuckers right now. That's honestly, I was so scared about getting the sign is it's Valentine's Day. I've been doing a bunch of happy Valentine's Day's messages to people.

Starting point is 02:09:39 It's been a whole lot of fun and I greatly appreciate it, but it starts turning into my biggest fucking nightmare when it seems like every fucking thing that comes out of my mouth. Just okay. I don't know where I was going. Okay. I'll board up or wear your tickets on sale. You have some upcoming tour dates, correct? Yeah, you can just find it on my Instagram. Yes, going to a number of places. Very excited. Find it on his Instagram. Find it on my Instagram. I don't know. I need somebody to help me build a website. I mean, I gave some fucking idiot fucking twenty thousand dollars like four years ago and worth

Starting point is 02:10:20 the coins or actual money or no. It was actually money. It was travelers checks and he was like, so now he has my fucking domain name. I was trying to get William Montgomery comedy is turning into a fucking. I'm about to sue his fucking ass. It wasn't the Sean was it? You could have been. We never found out what his actual scam was, but I will tell you this, my friend. It's an easy to build website. If you just take the one simple step of going to square space, the one that begins with sq you would be that one red ban. Oh my God, and using the simple promo code, which this is back when it was kind of hard to find on the thing because they used to send the whole goddamn thing. But

Starting point is 02:11:03 yeah, I've so appreciated all the really good messages that I was like, oh my gosh, there it is Tony the promo code Tony go to squarespace.com. Every day, 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain, a bunch right okay William anything you're passionate about. Yeah, I've been you're gonna eat some mac and cheese when you get home, maybe y'all probably yeah, I gotta beat up the oven, the microwave stop working on your way to stop work. Yeah, Tony. I mean, I'm

Starting point is 02:11:37 at a really bad day today. Yeah, it's fucking. I'm trying to heat up my eggs earlier in the microwave when I wake up Have you ever thought about boiling the noodles for your macaroni and cheese? Man, I ain't ever gonna boil the noodles! There he goes William Montgomery everybody we did it again! Joe List! Tell us what you have dates coming up Joe List what's the website? ComedianJoeList.com

Starting point is 02:12:04 Yes, ComedianJoeList.com. Yes, ComedianJoeList.com. He's on tour everywhere. Your special is? Three specials on YouTube. They're all there. You can go see them all. It's all under Joe List comedy. Absolutely, yep.

Starting point is 02:12:14 There you go. How about one more time for the great Joe List? Come on. The drawing from Ryan Jay, he belt is in. It's fucking awesome. He draws every episode while the show happens. RyanJayBelt.com, let's see what Chris Rogers drew up. Whoa! The newest member of the regime, Casey Rocket, with the

Starting point is 02:12:35 motherfucking crab claws. That's an instant classic. Guys, they're gonna play us out. How about one more time for the best damn band in the land? Carlos Sosa, Raul Vallejo, Fernando Castillo, Michael Gonzalez, D-Madness, John Dees, and Matt Mueling. Thank you to all of our sponsors, Gelblaster, Yellow Rose, Red Rose, CM Smokehouse Austin Security Guard, ServiceNinjaBuses.com, Hall Law Firm, and Connect Mobile Health, Red Band.

Starting point is 02:13:02 San Diego, check out me and Casey Rocket and a couple other people in July, AmericanComedyCode.com. We love you guys. Thank you. Good night, everybody. ស្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្ The The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to SunsetStripATX.com for tickets. Music

KILL TONY - #653 - JOE LIST

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