KILL TONY - #654: MATT MCCUSKER

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Starting point is 00:01:42 And don't forget to check out everything Tony Hinchcliffe at Tony Hinchcliffe.com and the Sunset Strips my new comedy club in Austin Texas go to SunsetStripATX.com and now here's a brand new episode of Killton. Hey y'all the LA forum is right around the corner and contrary to a lot of people's rumors there are still tickets available for that. The YouTube theater two days later has sold out. Also, there's still a few tickets available for Night One at Madison Square Garden, the two night Super Mega event, the biggest in Kiltonys history travel. Go there, we'll see you there.

Starting point is 00:02:15 And I am on tour with stand up comedy. Me and some of your favorite cronies from the show do our own stand ups sets. I'm going to be in Cleveland, Ohio, Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, Boston, Massachusetts, Baltimore, Maryland, Salt Lake City, San Jose, Dallas, Houston, Texas, St. Louis, Missouri, Nashville, Tennessee, Fort Lauderdale, and Orlando. And then that is all of the stand-up on the road I am doing until 2025. I'll be releasing that special just after May. We'll see you guys on the road. Nothing but love here is another episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band Company Alive from the Comedy comedy mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony H. Clair! He's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? Yeah!

Starting point is 00:03:53 Hey look, it's Red Band everybody! Hey! Yeah! You did it, you made it, you're at the number one live podcast in the world. Kill Tony, you guys excited? Thanks to our friends, Gel blaster, yellow rose, red rose, hall lot from ninja buses.com, CM smokehouse, connect mobile health and asphalt 3D made us this super cool thing.

Starting point is 00:04:15 This magnet bucket pool thing that now I can keep all the names that I pull out in order and in position. It's like state of the art 3D printing. Shout out to our friend asphalt 3d and how about one more time for the best stand band in the land? Huh? God damn it. Son of a bitch. On the horns, Carlos Sosa. Raul Vallejo. And Fernando Castillo. And Fernando Castillo. Not to be confused with the great Michael Gonzalez.

Starting point is 00:04:49 And then on the diverse side of the room, we have the mortician Matt Mueling on the electric guitar, John Dees on the keys, and the dark force D-Mad madness on the bass guitar everybody Before we start tonight's episode here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all available for you The Sunset Strip comedy club in Austin, Texas is now open check out red band secret show every Thursday Go to Sunset StripATX.com for tickets. You guys ready to start tonight's episode, huh? Every single week, I have at least one of the funniest comedians in the world on this show. This week is no different.

Starting point is 00:06:11 I love this show because I take great pride in not only pulling names out of the bucket and introducing people to people, to comedians that are getting their start or perhaps breaking into the industry, but another one of the amazing things that I think we do here is we introduce to you or remind you of some of the great fucking existing comedians that are about to change the goddamn game. This is one of those guys, an absolute monster. You know him from his hit podcast, Matt and Shane's secret podcast. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the great and powerful Matt McCusker, everybody. Fuck yeah. His second time ever on the show, the first one being Kill Tony at the mothership.

Starting point is 00:07:07 Home field advantage. One of the newest residents of Austin, Texas. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Tilting the polarization of the Austin comedy scene. One of my favorite comedians. How's it going, Matt? Pretty good. Thank you for the introduction. Matt's on tour. Matt McCusker.com for tickets. And of course, Matt and Shane's secret podcast.

Starting point is 00:07:28 Shane Gillis taping SNL this week. We got Matt McCusker on the number one live comedy show in the world. Yeah! So fuck you, Shane. So welcome, Matt. You did New Year's Eve. That show was fucking awesome, crazy.

Starting point is 00:07:45 We're gonna have fun here again. You remember how it works? 175 people tonight signed up for the chance to get pulled out of this bucket. If I pull their name out, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then

Starting point is 00:08:00 or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. And they have to wrap it up then. And then I out the angry West Hollywood bear. And they have to wrap it up then. And then I interview them. We find out more about them. The whole thing's improvised. Anything can happen. You guys ready to start tonight's show? I pulled a name out. They go. They grab that person from the bar across the street. Poor choices, which is what we're going to see a lot of people make tonight.

Starting point is 00:08:22 And we will begin with one of our regulars everybody now Some of you might not know yet, but there is a new Regular that starts every episode of the show. He's a goddamn force of nature You probably know him from his hit appearances on of all things kill Tony I present to you one of the top young rising comedians in the world, Austin zone. This is Casey rocket. It's really good to hear your voice saying my name. All right. Oh, yeah. Serious XM radio.

Starting point is 00:09:10 All right. Very cool. Okay. I got to get out of here. I got a softball game after this. It's not a beer league. It's a fentanyl league. It should be pretty fun.

Starting point is 00:09:19 Me and the boys shooting up. So, let's go. Okay. I got a softball game after this. It's not a beer league. It's a fentanyl league. It should be pretty fun. Me softball game after this. So, it's not a beer league, it's a fentanyl league. Should be pretty fun. Me and the boys shooting up, sleeping on the ball field.

Starting point is 00:09:31 So, should be a good time. Most of you probably know me as the creator of the smartwatch, but I also donate to a number of successful charities, most notably the Reverse Ice Bucket Challenge. That's where I dump a bucket of hot water on somebody who has ALS. Easy money. Hell yeah, get real.

Starting point is 00:09:58 Look at this guy rubbing his eyes. You're not dreaming, sweetie. This dude's fast as fuck. Alright. Come on. Get lost. That's what I do every time I see a police horse. I just gargle his lips a little bit. Solveny crimes lately, Brainiac. But, you know, it's Biden's America. Police or horses. Okay, we're done. Thank you.

Starting point is 00:10:19 Casey Rocket. Casey Rocket. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. The fucking mighty machine of Morocco. Casey Rocket has arrived at another brand new minute. Thank you. So much goddamn fun. Wee-hee! All right, yeah, fun.

Starting point is 00:10:41 I don't know why I thought you were all going to yell like that too. Okay. Didn't feel good. Okay. You are a fucking phenom. This weekend for the first time ever in my stand up comedy history, I took Casey Rocket to a massive theater to open up for me and it was unfucking believable. If you think

Starting point is 00:11:07 he's fun in large sold out comedy rooms, you should see him in an unbelievably huge sold out theater. His crab walk from side to side is so fast. Have you ever measured it? Like have you ever measured like what's your 40 crab walk? Oh, crab 40? Yeah, three, five. Yeah. It's unbelievable. Yeah, it's about Mach three. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:11:32 Mach three or four. The key is small steps. I don't want to tell you too much, but. He uses the entire stage. I mean, you actually watch him lose like three or four pounds in 15 minutes on a theater stage. It is absolutely incredible. Your cardio is amazing.

Starting point is 00:11:49 How do you stay in shape? One day at a time, just spending time with my friends and... And... And... And... And... And...

Starting point is 00:12:00 Sitting down with a good book and just hoping for the best. Yeah, playing, nope, I don't know what I was sitting down with a good book and just hoping for the best. Yeah, playing, nope, I don't know what I was gonna say, playing something, just hanging with the boys and crabbing a lot. We're doing stand-up all the time, so I have a very specific skill set of just crab-based cardio that doesn't translate to almost anything else in life, except the bedroom, wink and just fucking crabbing circles around her. Are you close yet? Where did the crab walk originate from? What was your inspiration?

Starting point is 00:12:40 Honestly, okay. So me and my friend, I mean, honestly. So me and my friend, I mean, honestly? So me and my friend Tommy drank a bunch of Robotusin when we were 15 years old, it's absolutely true. And he was walking around, he was the original crab, I paid him 100 grand for it. He was tripping on Robotusin and he was really,

Starting point is 00:13:01 got really red. He got flushed probably because it's like poison or whatever and like, but at the time we were like, oh, you're so red and he was really got really red. He got flushed probably because it's like poison or whatever and like, what other time we're like, oh, you're so red and he was walking around going crab, crab boy, crab boy. And I was like, oh my. It's perfect. And so it became a thing in our friend group

Starting point is 00:13:20 that we would all crab around all the time. We love it. normal amazing unbelievable. There was one point just so you know what being on the road with KC Rocket is kind of like at one point when we left the airport, one of our amazing producers, the great Christie says, all right, y'all, we're pulling up to the hotel soon. If I could have your guys' IDs, I'm gonna get you all checked into the hotel super quick. You guys can kill a few minutes,

Starting point is 00:13:53 and I'll be right back with your room keys. And Casey proceeded to pull out multiple different IDs of different human beings. He had a Blake Shelton. Blake Shelton. Blake Shelton. Blake Shelton. Blake Shelton. Blake Shelton. Blake Shelton. Blake Shelton.

Starting point is 00:14:08 I had a Punisher one, which is kind of like, when people piss me off. I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just,

Starting point is 00:14:18 I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just,

Starting point is 00:14:24 I just, I just, I was a, what's her name, Billie Eilish, yeah, so it was a bad girl license is what it says. I didn't bring it, but. Yeah. It is amazing, Casey. You are a sensation, absolutely hilarious all the time. He has a very interesting diet. You wanna tell these people what you eat for breakfast?

Starting point is 00:14:39 Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. What was it, nitrogen bar? Um. What? What nitrogen bar? Um, space stuff. Nitrogen bar,

Starting point is 00:14:50 gum ball, um, pad of butter. Yeah, the nitrogen bars really big though. So mostly just one of those. Yeah. Just a reminder of how stupid red band is. It just then he goes, really?

Starting point is 00:15:03 No, he didn't really eat a nitrogen bar. He bar doing comedy. No, I thought that was an actual like like protein bar Yeah bodybuilder something. What is a nitrogen bar? That's not something I mean, what's a joke is a fake what there could be a protein bar called nitrogen Protein bar. Yeah, I don't know. It sounds like some inner stellar thing. Yeah. Did you ever hit the oxygen bar at the boardwalk? Where's that?

Starting point is 00:15:31 They used to sell oxygen at the boardwalk at the Jersey Shore. Oh, OK. Yeah, I've never been to the Jersey Shore. Have you ever done a vodka shot that's like they make it air? Well, you breathe it in yet. Yeah, you breathe it in. It's pretty sick, yeah. Not the same thing.

Starting point is 00:15:42 You freebase it. Yeah, you freebase vodka. Yeah, you're like freebasing vodka. Stop doing it. That's, I know that actually. It's pretty sick, yeah. Not the same thing. You free-based it, yeah, you free-based it. Yeah, you're like free-basing locker. So I've done it. That's more my speed than... Oxygen, what if it was straight up... I didn't inhale the shot though.

Starting point is 00:15:54 Yeah, you faked it. I faked it. Hell yeah. I went, pfft. Oh, it's so cool, guys. I'm so drunk on oxygen for you. I love it. Well, Casey, what a great way to get the show started.

Starting point is 00:16:07 You did it again. You're an absolute phenom. So much fun on the road. Can't wait to get you back out there more. Makes noise for the great and powerful Casey Rock. And like that it has begun. I pulled the first name out of the bucket and the show shall begin. How exciting this new 3D board. Make some noise for the Kill Tony debut. Anything can happen at this part.

Starting point is 00:16:31 This is the craziest show in the world. Everybody else when they do a fucking podcast, they know who they're talking to. We have no idea. This is 60 seconds of standup, uninterrupted by Jackson Nami, everybody. Jackson Nami, everybody. Jackson Nami, perhaps. Do you know what the problem with gay comics is?

Starting point is 00:16:54 They're too fucking gay. Like, I'm gay, but you ain't ever gonna catch me skipping. My dad, when he found out I was gay, he took it pretty hard. He was like, Jackson, are you gay? I said, I'm not gonna give you a straight answer. And then he came over, he was like, why you got knee pads but no roller blades? You know, I'm gay, right?

Starting point is 00:17:19 But I'm not an ally. I'm not an ally. I'm in the axis of powers. It's Germany and Ireland. My boyfriend broke up with me because he found out I was gay. He took it real hard. He took it right on the chin. This black girl asked me if I say the N word.

Starting point is 00:17:42 I said, ever? Ever, ever? Ever, ever? You know say the N word, I said ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever. You know, the N word like the stove, you gotta touch it at least once. You gotta see that shit's hot. You gotta... All right, thanks. Jackson, Nami? Nami? Nami. Nami, welcome to the show, Jackson. How long you been doing stand-up? Six fucking years, man. Six fucking years, man.

Starting point is 00:18:08 Incredible. Where at? Houston, Texas. That's why I'm good. Okay, sure. That's why. Houston, we know you love pumping for oil. I love it. So welcome, Jackson. This is incredible for you, Matt.

Starting point is 00:18:27 Your best friend, Shane, is the newest Bud Light spokesman. This was the one right before him. He does look like one of those newfangled trans school shooters. No doubt about it. Liberal arts school shooter. I love it. Jackson, what do you do for a living? I work at a hair store.

Starting point is 00:18:51 A hair store where people... Old ladies come up to me, they're like, can I do with my weave? I'm like, nothing can up that mop on your head. Oh, shit. You're a bad hair salesman. Geri-atch. Damn, dude.

Starting point is 00:19:02 I love it. Are you gay? Nope. Keep dreaming, dude. I love it. Are you gay? Nope. Keep dreaming, Jackson. Keep dreaming. I'll let you jerk off to the podcast, though, back at home. I love it. So, uh, how often do you come to Austin to perform?

Starting point is 00:19:18 This is my first time. Your first time? Wow, six years in Houston. This is your first time coming to Austin. And you got pulled out of the bucket first. What are the fucking odds? You're a lucky little gay guy, aren't you? Tell us about some of your escapades.

Starting point is 00:19:36 You said you're not that gay, but you seem gay as fuck. I'm gay as the day is long. Yeah, and the day, it might be longer than any of us know If that's how gay you are it's like a 48 hour day right here So tell us about it. What's the gayest thing you've ever done suck dick, okay, huh? Well I'm a lacy. Oh Okay, yeah, I know what that is over. Okay, you did what?

Starting point is 00:20:14 You sure you don't want to try? No, no, no, I'm positive. Not even HIV positive. Yeah, keep dreaming again. You just really, really just you're so gay, dude. It's incredible. I'm getting, usually I'm so gay on this show, but you came and you make me look like fucking red band. You make me just look like a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, I'm a manly man now that Jackson is here. So Jackson, what else do you do? What do you do for fun when you're not being gay

Starting point is 00:20:52 or doing stand-up? I just cry a lot. Do you? What do you cry about? This dude broke my heart. Mackenzie Joel, fuck you so bad. Wow, you called him out by name. What the fuck you Mackenzie?

Starting point is 00:21:06 Yeah, Mackenzie, you fucking... You made the biggest mistake of your life, pal. Tell us about it. What did he do? How did this go down? I want to know. I want to know the fucking... So like, he's gay and I'm gay. We know he's gay, dude. And like, two gays don't necessarily make a...

Starting point is 00:21:24 It's, you know, we're both bottoms. We're both bottoms. Oh, you put the batteries in the wrong way. Yeah, we... Uh-oh. The scissoring, it just didn't... Butch scissoring. The old ass to ass. We're two catty bitches. It didn't work out. Oh my goodness gracious.

Starting point is 00:21:48 So how did it go down? He broke your heart? He broke my fucking heart. How did he do it? Tell us how did the breakup happen? Via text? No, we went to Orange, Texas and came back and he was like, you went to a place in Texas named after a fruit? And you got broken up with? Everywhere I go is named after a fruit. And you got broken up with. Everywhere I go is named after fruit.

Starting point is 00:22:07 All right, you're tagging good jokes with bad jokes here. You're knocking them down. You're knocking them down there, Jackson. So tell us how it went down. Did he tell you he took you to war? He said, I can't do this anymore. I just, I wish, I need somebody that will fuck me in the ass. You wouldn't fuck him in the ass.

Starting point is 00:22:25 I want to be fucked, man. You just like being fucked. I just want to be fucked. I don't want to fuck. So how do you come? Sounds like a good marriage. Very hard. You come hard while getting fucked in the ass.

Starting point is 00:22:36 If I think of gay shit, I come really hard. OK. I still don't really get how gay sex works. Believe it or not, I know that sounds suspicious, but there's a G spot in your asshole, and it just comes out. Your penis is hard and then you come. What?

Starting point is 00:22:51 You don't like touching or anything? If you want to. Okay, if you're making this harder than it has to be. Oh my. Oh. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Jackson, have you ever been with a woman before? This is a black girl. Okay. How long ago was that shut your ass up Jackson? Shit. Your bitch ass. She didn't like me. Right. Damn.

Starting point is 00:23:12 She did the right thing. She did the right thing. Famously homophobic D madness on the attack. And he did. He got right in his face there for a second. famously homophobic D madness on the attack and he did he got right in his face there for a second I don't know if you saw that lean oh shit he's looking at my ass foot oh whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa D you were nowhere close to his ass by the way Jackson just up here no no D stop reaching for it you're not gonna get what you're looking for. This is a trick to get fucked in the ass. Don't fall for it, dude. Keep that bass out of here. I like Stevie Wonder. Come on. Okay, Jesus Jackson.

Starting point is 00:23:55 Okay, D relax. Relax D. Jesus Christ. All right, Jackson fun times. Jacks and fun times, congratulations. Deep, sit down you crazy bastard. Jesus Christ. He is, he does not like gay people. It's a thing, he's like a wild animal. It's like a bear can smell a woman's period. He can smell semen in an asshole and he does not like it. You got a lot of attitude man.

Starting point is 00:24:24 A lot of gay attitude. Yeah dude. You're real. I like your like it. You got a lot of attitude, man. A lot of gay attitude. Yeah, dude. I like your YouTube special. Thank you, sir. This guy's not gay at all, dude. He's fucking crazy. My special was like conversion therapy. It just fucking...

Starting point is 00:24:40 You think I still have hope? Like, I can find the light. Absolutely, dude. Okay, tell my dad that. He mean like... I'm gonna fuck your dad. Brown tunnels. I'm gonna fuck your dad.

Starting point is 00:24:51 I'm gonna fuck him on the fence. I'm gonna fuck your dad, don't worry. How old are you, Jackson? He's gonna get it. 23. Do you still live with your parents? Yeah. Oh, nice.

Starting point is 00:25:01 And... I'm gonna fuck your dad. I'm gonna fuck your dad. I'm gonna fuck your dad. I'm gonna fuck your dad. I'm gonna fuck him on the fence. I'm gonna fuck your dad. Don't worry. How old are you, Jackson? He's gonna get it. 23. Do you still live with your parents? Yeah. Oh, nice.

Starting point is 00:25:09 And what does your dad do for a living? I don't fucking know. You don't know what your dad does for a living. He fucking, I don't know. Praise the gay away. I don't know. He's fucking. Okay, we're gonna let you out of here, Jackson.

Starting point is 00:25:21 There you go. When they stop answering, that's when the fun ends. Jackson caught the little joke book. Not easy for a gay guy to catch things, but he did it. I don't know if you know this D-Madness, but this podcast is sponsored by Squarespace, the all-in-one website platform for entrepreneurs to stand out and succeed online.

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Starting point is 00:29:07 This St. Patrick's Day. Make sure your little Harry Lappercorn is luckier than ever with Manscaped. Your next comedian goes by the name of Gordon Sumner, everybody. Gordon Sumner, moving on to Gordon Sumner. Bucket pull number two. Oh look, it's the great Heidi, everybody.

Starting point is 00:29:24 I forgot to mention we have a new member of the crew. Heidi Golesnik everyone. You might remember her from the New Year's Eve episode of Kiltoni. There she goes. Heidi everybody. We got to get her out at a better time producers than when the comedian comes out makes a noise one more time for Gordon Sumner. for Gordon Sumner, everybody. Gordon Sumner. What's up, everybody? So I got a problem with Pete Davidson, okay?

Starting point is 00:29:53 He's too tall, he's too good at comedy, and his dick is too big, okay? But you know what he proves? You can't be great at comedy, you can't be tall tall and have a father. Anybody here do jujitsu? You look like the kind of guy that does jujitsu. This guy right here.

Starting point is 00:30:19 Hold on. Let me pause for a second. You look like the kind of guy that does jujitsu. You do jujitsu? Oh, my God. I got a problem with jujitsu people, too. You know? Because, first of all, it's very erotic of a sport.

Starting point is 00:30:42 You're either a top or a bottom, right? You get this crazy cauliflower, First of all, it's very erotic of a sport. You're either a top or a bottom, right? You get this crazy cauliflower, cauliflower, eye, ear. And then if you ever want to fight one of these weirdos, they say, all right, come on! That's my time, that's my time. There we go, Gordon Sumner.

Starting point is 00:31:06 All right, we started the show with a gay guy and then a faggot. This is exciting. Oh, my God. Gordon, absolutely terrible. Demanding to do crowd work with this tough guy in the front row. He said, do you do jujitsu? And the guy said, better than your comedy.

Starting point is 00:31:24 You guys didn't get to hear that that but he got lit the fuck up by a kill Tony fan in the front row be careful what you wish for trying to bring people in there said what I was scared. I was scared. I'm sorry for cutting you off. There you go. Okay. How long have you been doing stand up on and off about six years Jesus Christ on and off for six years. Oh Matt McCusker super focusing more on like selling perc assess like what do you have? You dress like every perk dealer I knew in the early two thousand no doubt about

Starting point is 00:31:59 it. Do you sell some kind of drugs? I used to yeah. What kind of drugs? I used to, yeah. Yeah. What kind of drugs did you sell? Uh, I can't, well, there's no cops here, right? Coke, weed. Right on. Yeah, Coke. Okay. So you think there's a cop here that's going to get you for drugs that you used to sell? Or do you still sell them?

Starting point is 00:32:21 Listen, I love the five-up. I love them. Answer the question. Where were you last Friday? It is. or do you still sell them? Listen, I love the five. I love the question. Where were you last Friday? It is. It's like the, I think it's the hair dye job because it's like blonde, but it's not bleach blonde. It's like the concentrated lemon juice.

Starting point is 00:32:37 Remember when people used to... He might be on the lam right now, he's in the skies. It's like Pony Boy from the Outsiders. There you go. Super topical reference for the young kids. Good God almighty. He's on the run from that eight ball. He sold three years ago. He's on the run. Gordon, what do you do for a living now? I'm unemployed. What was the last job that you had?

Starting point is 00:33:05 I used to drive trucks. What kind of trucks? Not quite a CDL level, but like below that, you know? You hose? Yeah. Yeah. What kind of trucks exactly describe the truck and what would be in the truck?

Starting point is 00:33:21 Moving company and it was below that. You were a furniture. Yeah, you below that. You were a furniture media. You used to move furniture. I used to move furniture, yeah. And you call yourself a truck driver. And you expected me to just move on with no follow up process. Stealing valor from the truck driver.

Starting point is 00:33:37 That is extreme stolen valor. Unbelievable. I was a truck driver. It was a really big minivan. I was driving that around, backed it into spaces. It wasn't a truck driver. It was a really big minivan. I was driving that around, backed it into spaces. It was a big deal. I could move a lot of boxes. Did you get fired from the moving company, or did you quit?

Starting point is 00:33:54 I quit. How long ago was this? It's just like a year ago. But you've been unemployed for a year? Yeah. So how do you survive? Describe to these people realistically, being honest. I'm a fucking genius, that's how I do it. Okay, very good, so how do you do it?

Starting point is 00:34:10 There's some officers here tonight actually, there are some officers. I saved money and then I just decided to pursue you saved money while moving furniture. You saved, oh you're a rapper? Yeah, yeah. Really? Are you really a rapper?

Starting point is 00:34:25 Prove it. Tell Michael what kind of beat you want. Tell Michael in D-Magnus what kind of beat you want. You got, you got forgot about Dre. You know how to do it? What? What? Forgot about Dre? Forgot about Dre. Matt Mueling, you got that? Yeah, dude. One, two, one, two, three, four. It's a bunch of different creation, motherfuckers act like they forgot about Dre. No, you just did what they did. What do you say? Is this karaoke? No, he said, dude, he's doing the hook.

Starting point is 00:34:57 You said you were a fucking rapper. You just did an M&M impression. He's Warren G. He's Warren G. He's hooks only. I'm not that. I'm not that. He's did the chorus. Hooks I'm not that you're not a rapper at all you just did what they do I just try to fucking entertain you know so you're not a rapper make people laugh you know that was sick that was very funny okay that was just my mind is literally doing whatever it takes. Okay, well you do nothing. You're lying. You just lied to

Starting point is 00:35:33 us up here. I'm a rapper. Okay, give us a beat. All right, then you just did it. The fuck is act like they forgot about right like anybody can do that. Anybody anybody can fucking do that. The chick from Houston with her arms crossed can do that. True. Yeah, she's fucking pissed. Yeah, I can't. Finally woke her ass up. I can actually see the American flag.

Starting point is 00:35:57 She has uncrossed her arms. Do you have any talent whatsoever in any field? Six years on and off a comedy, your rap game is atrocious. Do you have any talent whatsoever in any field? Six years on and off a comedy, your rap game is atrocious. You don't rap. Do you do anything? You saved up enough money, moving furniture to survive? There's nothing to you.

Starting point is 00:36:18 This guy is just me. The more that I look at him like, fuck dude, this is just me. You make him be a questioner. I sing too, you I sing I sing. No you don't know what he said he can sing yo. Okay thank you. Okay there he goes everybody we're gonna keep it moving along

Starting point is 00:36:38 there goes Gordon summer you've been on before you got a little jump first time you do now there he goes Gordon summer everybody good, man. Okay, we don't need to do that, but you have an open wound on your hand, by the way. He's disgusting. Absolutely disgusting. Right on his knuckle.

Starting point is 00:36:56 Okay. You had to punch in the steering wheel cut, this fucking. Make some noise for your next bucket pull. Billy Swift, everybody. Billy Swift. -♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey sexual purpose, just the guy wakes up, he's like, I don't know, man, I want to look good today, you know? I think we should normalize that shit, you know?

Starting point is 00:37:33 All these chicks getting half-priced coffees with their tits hanging out. I want to pop a Viagra and try buy a 2008 Toyota, you know? Oh, you sure you can't take $1,500 off the price? Well, how about now, big boy? You know what I mean? Three quarter chub, get a quarter off the price. I'm recently single and I've realized that I like different things sexually now that I'm single. I've realized that I like different things sexually now that I'm single.

Starting point is 00:38:06 I've realized that I like to make girls queef. It's just kind of like the trumpets of victory to me. You know, like, I start hearing that shit get to go and I start stomping my foot, beating on her stomach, you know, turning her to Mumford and Cunts. You know what I mean? I thank everybody, that's been my time. There he is, Billy Swift doing comedy.

Starting point is 00:38:28 That's our first, I believe, actual set of the night from a human being. Welcome, Billy, how long you been doing stand up? About two and a half years now. Two and a half years, making the six year people look like fucking one week people. Unbelievable, Billy. Matt? I thought you did great, people. Unbelievable, Billy. Matt?

Starting point is 00:38:46 I thought you did great, yeah. Yeah. I was hoping you'd ask this guy if he did Jiu-Jitsu right after saying Pete Davidson. Bad guy. Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha. Two and a half years, Billy.

Starting point is 00:38:57 Swift, where at? Orlando. Orlando, Florida. Yes, Harry. The home of the great Cam Patterson. You know Cam? Yes, sir. We were pretty good friends. Went back, like when I started, he was of the great Cam Patterson, you know Cam? Yes, sir. We were pretty good friends.

Starting point is 00:39:06 Went back, like, when I started, he was around the same time. Okay, how often do you come to Austin, Texas? Oh, I just moved here January 1st. Nice, congratulations. Thank you, sir. Happy New Year, too. Yeah, thanks, man. I appreciate that.

Starting point is 00:39:17 What do you do for work, Billy? I install blinds or shades and shit like that. Whoa, de-madness, be careful. He qualifies as both a blind and a shade, if you know what I mean. We call them shades sometimes, these types of people, you know what I mean? I mean... Pfft. Ha ha ha ha.

Starting point is 00:39:47 Ha ha ha. Not to be confused with Slim Shady, who's amazing music we just heard a moment ago. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. So Billy Swift from Orlando, you moved here and you're installing blinds here?

Starting point is 00:40:05 Yes, sir. And everything's going good? Yeah, it's going great. I fucking love this city. It's awesome. What do you love about Austin, Texas? Tell these people watching from all around the world. The homeless are a lot crazier here.

Starting point is 00:40:16 I like that. Then in Orlando? Oh, yeah, yeah, for sure. Really, what's crazier here than in Orlando? I was just in LA and I forgot they're different there. It all really depends I think what drugs are on the streets. A lot of people with blankets over their heads, publicly urinating. San Francisco shitting. They shit on the streets for some reason. Tell us about the Orlando homeless. What are

Starting point is 00:40:38 they known for? They're fucking chill. I mean they don't really do much. You know they're more heroin guys so they take naps and stuff. Yeah, perfect. Well rested people out there in the heat of Orlando. Yeah. The most magical place on earth. I've never, in Orlando, I live there for six, seven years. And then when I moved here,

Starting point is 00:40:58 I've never seen a homeless pair of tits before I came here. And I've seen so many. They're fucking, they're a lot. Yeah, they're not bad either. Oh, there you go. Homeless tits before I came here. And I've seen so many. They're fucking, they're a lot. Yeah, they're not bad either. Oh, there you go. Homeless tits? If you clean them up a little, you know. There you go, red band working on new material.

Starting point is 00:41:14 Yeah. I mean, those tits aren't that bad, lady. You wanna hop in my Tesla? Yeah, exactly. Hop in the back with me, we'll let it drive. Yeah. You got a nice place, mister. Ha ha ha.

Starting point is 00:41:28 Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. I love it. How'd you see her tits?

Starting point is 00:41:37 Huh? How'd you see her tits, the homeless lady? She was just out putting them out. I mean, so one lady just wears a tutu, she's just running around top and bottom showing, but that person, she likes that midsection covered up for some reason. Her belly button?

Starting point is 00:41:49 Yeah, I think it's a C-section scar is what she's trying to hide, but... She's fucking, your guy's a city, all right? I don't know. No, but then the other lady was wearing like a Moo Moo, and she just goes, today's, and fucking kept running down the road. Yeah, she was just making people's day.

Starting point is 00:42:06 I think she just wanted to take a day off, you know. Wow. Just give back. Yeah, just give back to the community. You know, y'all motherfuckers been giving me dollars and shit. Today's. This is the one that you see, which is your homie.

Starting point is 00:42:18 Is it the moo moo one? It's the one that's covering up her stomach. I've seen that one. That's the one you. I thought yours was the moo-moos since you respond to that kind of language. Cause you're a cow. I got it.

Starting point is 00:42:34 Okay, Billy Swift, what do you do for fun when you're not installing blinds or doing stand-up? I used to train MMA. And so I- Really? Yeah. Oh my God. Wow.

Starting point is 00:42:46 I wouldn't have guessed that. MMA. What were you, the bag? Oh shit, dude. Get him, bro, get him, bro. Just get him, bro. No. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:42:59 What kind of MMA did you specialize in? No, I mean, like I started doing Jiu-Jitsu and Muay Thai and then transitioning to MMA once I got older, but I went into, I wrestled in high school, did all that kind of stuff. I had one professional fight, or one amateur fight. How'd that go? Knocked the guy out by 52 seconds.

Starting point is 00:43:16 You knocked him out in 52 seconds and then you retired? Yep, undefeated bitch, you know? Wow. I'm out. Wow. You're like, if Kabebe was a kebab. Okay, that was a fat person MMA joke right there. If Kabebe was a kebab, he retired undefeated.

Starting point is 00:43:32 Kabebe retired undefeated kebab. Come on, fucking laugh, people laugh. It's a food, it's a food kebab. Okay, I love it. So what made you retire after only one fight? Dude, I just got. Okay, I love it. So what made you retire after only one fight? Dude, I just got burnt out, man. I was doing construction and then,

Starting point is 00:43:53 well, I trained from like fourth grade. My dad was a professional fighter, so he always had me training with him. And then I started from fourth grade, wrestled all the way through high school, took it seriously, and then I got old and just decided to stop. It's a shame, the bucket pool's father wasn't a professional fighter you know. I mean that guy would be straight as an arrow right now.

Starting point is 00:44:12 Okay okay yeah. What's your love life like Billy Swift you talked a lot about doing Viagra having a boner whether you ever do that. No. You know that gay guys can come from the bottom position without touching their penis at all? It's like a magician's trick or something. They just get fucked and they get hard and they come. That's a weird Wim Hof method.

Starting point is 00:44:32 That's how I feel. I'm hosting the show. I found out in front of a million people that that's how gay guys come. I'm like, how do you come? He's like, what do you mean by getting fucked in the ass? I'm like, what? I'm like, how do you come? He's like, what do you mean by getting fucked in the ass? I'm like, what? You're saying you didn't know where the positive is.

Starting point is 00:44:52 I swear to God, I didn't know. I thought there has to be something, right? Yeah, sure. I don't know. Yeah, you never heard of a dude getting milked before? No. Dudes can get milked. Yeah, dude.

Starting point is 00:45:04 Really? Yeah. This is the fucking weirdest pl Yeah, dude. Really? Yeah. This is the fucking weirdest ploy, dude. I know you're lying, all right? You know exactly what we're talking about right now. What? He's like, no! Gay guys.

Starting point is 00:45:13 Who the fuck is this? I had no idea! What? I'm so busy eating pussy, I have no clue! Yeah, dude. Yeah. I have no clue! Yeah, do you? But now you know, now you know. Billy Swift, I don't remember. What did you say your love life's like?

Starting point is 00:45:36 It's nothing right now. I was in a long-term relationship before I moved from Florida here. And you broke up with her to move here? No, but it just ended up happening that way. I was like, what else do I have to stay in Orlando? You took her to Orange, Texas and told her it's not working out. It's opened up the mini van door, literally. Have you been with a girl since you've been in Austin? No.

Starting point is 00:45:55 Have you kissed a girl since you've been in Austin? No. Really? Well, you know, we have a little history on this show. We have some of the best female fans in the world on this comedy show. They know how to play along. So if there's any girl out there that wants to come give this very funny man his first Austin kiss. Let's do it. You guys think we should huh? There's the red light. Anybody out there? Fucking nobody?

Starting point is 00:46:25 Yes! No! Oh, this girl well! No way! Come on up, don't fucking, don't milk it. I just learned what milking was. All the way down just now. All right, she's actually pretty good looking girl.

Starting point is 00:46:43 Yeah, yeah. Billy Swift's about to get a deal on a car. Oh my goodness. All right. Yo, don't look at my god Billy Swift getting his first Austin kiss. Here we go! That was a weak kiss. That was a very weak kiss. Come on, give him a real kiss. Wow. Look at that. Unbelievable.

Starting point is 00:47:24 He went from MMA to HPV. That quick, everybody. Absolutely incredible. Touch my shoulder. Hell yeah, dude. Hell yeah. Hell yeah. How do you feel, Billy? Your first Austin kiss. Her lipstick tasted good or whatever the fuck that was.

Starting point is 00:47:40 That's pretty alright. That was alright. That was an open cold sore, my friend. The Austin special, baby. Yeah, the sweet sensation. That's a little fucking, you gotta risk it for the brisket, you know what I'm saying? Billy, anything else crazy we should know about you before we let you go?

Starting point is 00:47:57 I used to have a tit. I used to have one titi. What? Explain to us more. What do you mean by that? When I used to be a fat kid and then I hit puberty and I thought like a cool way to like show people I'm fucking tough is to get titty twisters and not like flinch.

Starting point is 00:48:15 So I just stand there and fucking take that shit and it gave me like calcium deposits. Pretty much cauliflower here in my tit. And yo, it was a handful of people. I sure was, it was nice. of people. I think it was nice. My nickname was Uno Bresto all through middle school. Oh, man. Do you do jokes about that?

Starting point is 00:48:32 No, not yet. Oh my God, you have to. That's crazy. It seems made up though, you know what I mean? Like when I tell, I have pictures, it's crazy. Wow. I would love to have you on the Secret Show Thursday, but I don't know.

Starting point is 00:48:43 Thank you so much. You just got a real gig and a big jump book. Welcome to Austin, Texas. That's Billy Swift, everybody. First good bucket pull set of the night. He is originally from Orlando, Florida, and so is your next comedian. An absolute fucking thunderstorm.

Starting point is 00:49:04 Every single weekend with me on the road doing giant theaters. He goes up right before me. He's a fucking freak of nature, constantly getting better. He works it out right here. This is a brand new minute from the one and only Cam Patterson. I'm a big fan of yours. I'm a big fan of yours. I'm a big fan of yours. I'm a big fan of yours. I'm a big fan of yours. I'm a big fan of yours. I'm a big fan of yours.

Starting point is 00:49:34 I'm a big fan of yours. I'm a big fan of yours. I'm a big fan of yours. I'm a big fan of yours. I'm a big fan of yours. I'm a big fan of yours. third, then her pussy was bad. And my whole set went straight down here. I had no response for that bullshit.

Starting point is 00:49:49 Cause listen, the first part, okay. You know what I'm saying? Fuck my mama, cool. You feel me? But her pussy being bad, that's some fucked up shit, sir. I would like them, my mama got great pussy. That's what I would like to think. I don't know, but I would like to think that.

Starting point is 00:50:04 I also have a good pussy theory. Him yeah, I think if you have good pussy, your kids got, you got good hair, that's what that is. If your mama got good pussy, you got good hair. Like you ma'am, mama had good pussy. You sir, your mama had good pussy. That nigga bald, so. You tell me, baby.

Starting point is 00:50:26 All right, I'm about time. Exactly one minute. Boom, boom, boom. That is how you do it. Cam Patterson has done it again. An unbelievable new minute. Welcome. Thank you. We're doing it, Sosa.

Starting point is 00:50:43 Yep. Yeah, yeah. We are. D-Madness is smiling it, so... Yeah. Hell yeah. We are. D-Mandis is smiling, because you're straight. What, hell, y'all? I got your back, D-Mandis. And no more games, but I love gay people. What were you gonna say, John?

Starting point is 00:50:55 D has good hair, and Matt doesn't. Mmm. Damn! Oh, shit. Your mama was slut. That's the rules, baby. I mama was slut. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha. That's the rules, baby.

Starting point is 00:51:09 I don't know what to tell you. Them's the rules. Dimms the rules indeed. Where did you come up with this theory camp? This is some interesting research. I thought to myself, nobody want their mama to have bad pissing, you know what I'm saying? And I got good hair. So I just wanted to make sure that I didn't make them, you know, my mama to have bad pussy. You know what I'm saying? And I got good hair.

Starting point is 00:51:25 So I just wanted to make sure that I didn't make it. You know, my mama got good pussy. That's right. That actually makes total sense. Do you think guys with big dicks have daughters with huge pussies? Yes. Okay, fair enough.

Starting point is 00:51:39 Awesome. That's sound logic right up. That makes sense. I was just curious. That makes sense. I'm a scientist. I know shit like this. Yes. That's that sound logic right up. That makes sense. I was just curious that makes sense church. We sign. I'm a scientist I know like this. That's correct. This is incredible. It's we've done more research into the Hair pussy big dick big pussy. I do believe we've done more research than they did on the COVID vaccine

Starting point is 00:52:01 Very exciting Anthony Fauci's watching, his mind's blown right now. Who that is? Who the fuck is that? That ain't got a cool ass name. Fauci. Nicker name Fauci. Nicker sound like a character in a cartoon or something. That's hard. Fauci.

Starting point is 00:52:20 That's a good ass name. I don't know what he did, but I like his name. I guess, yeah, if you don't know how to spell it, yeah. How you spell it? F-A-U-C-I? Call my dad, he'll get it. And he had his feet out. I was roasting his feet. He has these crazy, crazy toes.

Starting point is 00:52:49 My dad got the worst toes in the world. Me and my dad both had bad toes. My mama would always say, if he ever said that I'm not his kid, she would take my feet out. Right. Yeah. So I look, nigga. You guys have...

Starting point is 00:53:02 Same toes. Yeah. You are a man of many talons. Yeah. Man, when I tell you, right, if I ever like, I can't play footsie with women in the bed. That's, oh my God, that's right. Now that I've seen your dad's feet, it makes total sense. What's wrong with your toes?

Starting point is 00:53:20 They have like Freddy Kruger style fucking... My toes like knives, nigga. Yeah, my toes like knives. Yeah. My toes like I really, I really fucked somebody up with my toes. Like I got like talents, you feel what I'm saying? Yeah, yeah. It's bad, it's not good. He's like Edward Scissor feet.

Starting point is 00:53:36 Yeah. They're just sharp piggies. Like that's what they are, they're like pointy. Not a big as wolves dog. Piggie sound gate. Piggy sound, gate. I got wolves for feet. But I love gay people. That's true.

Starting point is 00:53:54 That's true. It's funny, his face twitches every time. No! Ooh, the lovely Heidi is here. I believe that is a water from Matt McCusack. Thanks for Heidi, everybody. Thank believe that is a water from that. My cousin makes me so much Heidi everybody. Appreciate it. She's on Instagram at Gina with three is dot hg for those of you that like a Instagram handle

Starting point is 00:54:14 that is also a Wi-Fi password. Hard to figure out, but I'm sure you fucking internet people will find her with greaties. Cam, what else is going on? Anything else crazy this week? I like her titties. Oh! Yep, that is true. Good titties, good titties. That is absolutely spot on.

Starting point is 00:54:31 Good milk. This week, nah, this is on the road too. You feel it there? Yep. I got distracted. Yeah, this is on the road too. You understand, running around, shit been fun, man. I had a threesome.

Starting point is 00:54:43 Oh wow, I didn't know that. I had a threesome, yeah. Oh, awesome didn't know that. I had a threesome, yeah. Oh, awesome. Yeah, the first time. How did that go? It was terrible, I hated it. I did not like it at all. Yeah, why?

Starting point is 00:54:52 One of the girls I know how to share, she wanted a good share. Oh. Yeah, she ain't know how to do that too well. She was the only child or something. Right. Yeah. Oh.

Starting point is 00:55:02 I love it. I ain't like that shit at all. It wasn't fun. Well, I'm sure we're gonna hear more about that in the near future. Nope, no, I won't. I won't talk about it again. Really?

Starting point is 00:55:11 Nope. Reddit gon' kill me, nigga. I don't play with them niggas like. I don't play with them niggas on Reddit, but I murdered somebody grandma about that. You feel me there? Why the threesome? Why would you murder them?

Starting point is 00:55:23 No, no, I see if I do it again as a real joke, people get upset with me. Yeah, they get these internet dorks. They're unbelievably unfair. Then I have to find somebody to grumble. He rumped or to joke. He did a joke in his interview. I was still imagining you naked with two women.

Starting point is 00:55:38 I lost the fucking thing. That was fun, it was fun. You know, there's a crazier thing about the threesome, all right, so I explained it to my homeboy. I was like, well, he said how'd it go. And I was like, well, you know, I will go to one room and fuck one of them. Then I go to the other room and fuck the other one.

Starting point is 00:55:50 And then he was like, that one, the threesome, they ran a train on you. And... That's hilarious. I didn't like that too much. That one, bud. Now that I think about it, that sound pretty gay to me. I don't know. I love gay people. Cam Patterson, you did it again.

Starting point is 00:56:14 Another amazing minute. A perfect example of what a regular on this show does. Make some noise for Cam, everybody. Come on. Cam Patter everybody. Come on, Cam Patterson. There you go. This episode is brought to you by Peloton.

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Starting point is 00:56:58 All access membership separate. Terms apply. All right. Onward we go. Back to the bucket. We're thinking it dangerous real quick. This is 60 seconds for Angelo Seville, everyone. Here we go.

Starting point is 00:57:12 Angelo Seville. I thought I got molested one time. What else? I just found out my dog's gay. You know, I got him from the shelter and I started to think he was gay because he kept doing a lot of gay shit. But what confirmed my suspicions was, I took him out, I fed him and I left to work.

Starting point is 00:57:37 But when I got home, I opened the door and you sitting on the couch and this time the peanut butter was on his nuts. So I did it that one time, but you know, and you're sitting on the couch and this time the peanut butter was on his nuts. So I did it that one time, but you know, I'm getting rid of him now. Not cause he's gay, I'm not getting rid of him cause he's gay, that'd be fucked up. I'm getting rid of him cause I was gone for work

Starting point is 00:57:55 for a couple weeks and I got home earlier than expected and when I got home he was fucking a black dude. So I can't have that man. One last thing though, one last thing. They say chicks dig scars, but you don't see burn victims getting a lot of pussy. Thank you. Angelo Sabeel, the amazing thing was that you were

Starting point is 00:58:24 getting laughter somehow. I'm not exactly sure how in the world I thought it was funny. Any of that was but I guess so but a wise observation burn victims not getting a ton of pussy. Yeah. So Angelo how long you've been to and stand up a little over a year now where at started about an hour north of here up in temple come down to Austin occasionally, but okay. What do you do for a living? I'm in the army. What do you do in the army? I'm a medic. Okay. Have you served overseas? I went to Kuwait, but that was mainly just like standing around in the desert.

Starting point is 00:59:03 It wasn't really anything cool. We're still Kuwaiting for a punch line. So we're just standing around in the desert because there's not much happening in Kuwait anymore. Not at all. No. Yeah, the war ended there a while ago. So why did they send a medic to Kuwait? It was during the pull out of Afghanistan. So there's a lot of refugees going there, but they the Kuwaiti government didn't want them there. So they sent them away as soon as I got there. So I played a lot of volleyball. You played volleyball. Yep. Okay. Desert volleyball. Yeah, little sand between your toes. Yep.

Starting point is 00:59:40 Okay. What else do you do, Angelo? Uh, I like to paint. Okay. Paint a lot. You gay? No. Why do you say it like that? Because I'm not. I've never ever told you I'm not gay, because I'm not.

Starting point is 01:00:02 I'm not, dude. We believe you, dude. We believe you. Nobody thinks you're gay. All right, good. Okay, Angelo. What's your love life like with the ladies? I'm actually married to a woman. Oh.

Starting point is 01:00:22 Yeah, I have a child. The perfect disguise. Yeah. It's all one big muse. What? It's just a big disguise. How old's the... No, I'm not asking what you said. How old is the kid? She's four.

Starting point is 01:00:35 She is four. Okay, you spend a lot of time with her? Yes. What's your favorite thing about fatherhood? You know, I don't think I've had a normal like fatherhood. My child has special needs, but it's pretty. It's pretty cool. Oh, tell us about the special needs of your for so she is a she is a rare genetic disorder called Prader Willy Syndrome. What's it called Prader Willy Syndrome, P R A T E R P R A D E R D E R. There you go. You could do something.

Starting point is 01:01:08 Look this up. Prater Willie W I L L Y ends in an I it ends in an I as in oh there it is. Okay, let's look at images here. This is what I want. Oh, it's headshots of red band. Disgusting. Okay, so it's a genetic disorder that causes obesity, intellectual disability, and shortness in height. Do you also suffer from this? Yes, I thought she got it for me. Yeah, so she's like a little ball kind of she's like a little, like a little ball kind of.

Starting point is 01:01:47 So it's such a like a spectrum thing. She doesn't really have the obesity part. Not yet. Yeah, not yet, but she, uh, she is intellectually behind so far for four. Right. Okay. So she's four years old. What is she supposed to be doing that she can't do it for?

Starting point is 01:02:03 Uh, like speaking full sentences and stuff, it's kind of just like little words four years old, what is she supposed to be doing that she can't do it for? Like speaking full sentences and stuff, it's kind of just like little words here and there. Part of it, like there's some similar symptoms with like autism, so she's kind of like socially delayed. Okay. Do you ever curse God because of what happened to your daughter? No, for a little bit, I was like fuck, dude, like why, but no, she's cool. She's super awesome. That's awesome. What kind of

Starting point is 01:02:34 games do you play with her? I mean, she likes like being pushed down the stairs. Okay, come on, shot at Mari. Shut up. What are you-mari. Shut up. What are you guys at, the serious show? Okay, what kind of games does she like? She just likes like rough housing, really. Like, she likes being like, picked up and like, yeah, thrown around.

Starting point is 01:02:57 And then she giggles. Yeah. I love it. Who's Praetor Willi, who's it named after? I think like a Swedish guy it's crazy you like when you get the named after you that's like I'm kind of jealous yeah it is an interesting it's very it's named after like the person that discovered it but I feel like it should be named after the first person that had

Starting point is 01:03:16 that's what I'm saying yeah yeah right fuck Prater Willie yeah yeah fame hungry operator Willie. Yeah. Yeah. Fame hungry doctor. Exactly. Oh, name it after me. That's a tight legacy though. Yeah. So how old was she when they made this diagnosis? A little over a month. Wow. How are they able to tell so quickly? She wasn't moving. How were they able to tell so quickly? She wasn't moving at all. Wow, she's just kind of laid there. She was just kind of like there. Like something's not right. So we got to damn we got to find out damn.

Starting point is 01:03:59 That is incredible and you're still with you. You're with your wife. What does she do? She stays at home with the with our daughter right. I mean, it seems like that'd be a pretty easy baby sitting job, though, since she doesn't move around. Yeah, well, actually, now she's fucking, she's all over the place, but... Oh, okay. Yeah, she's doing good now, just... That's good.

Starting point is 01:04:14 Congratulations. That's fun. What else do you do for fun, Angelo? Uh... I do this, stand up, like to shoot, paint... What do you shoot? Gelblasters? Fucking shooting ropes.

Starting point is 01:04:32 Nah, guns, you know, like a straight guy would do. Yes, yes, there you go. Now he has proven his straightness. She wasn't the child, it wasn't the, now that you shoot guns, we know. It's't the child. It wasn't the now that you shoot guns. We know it's a battle nurse. That's right. An army of one. Okay. All right, Angelo. So one year in stand up comedy, were the was you think

Starting point is 01:05:01 that's your best minute? I think that was the most like punch lines like a pack into one minute. Okay, I think. Alright, how often you get to perform? I was doing it for like four or five times a week for a while, but the past two months I haven't done any. Why? So I just bought a house and then we I've just been busy with work and that so right work and you're still in the army. Yep. What do they make you do here? It's it's it's pretty like lame actually. I know when there's no like I know I've been trying to get a

Starting point is 01:05:37 No or anything going on you just kind of like count stuff make sure everything's still there and right I hope we find a war for you. That'd be nice Get you out there. I don't want you being bored But you're like ready to go huh, so if we do go to war you're the medic yeah, it's awesome Okay Well, thanks for that. Yeah, thanks for being a medic. Appreciate it. No problem, guys.

Starting point is 01:06:10 A real straight hero. Anything for you. Anthony Sebel. There's a little joke book, my friend. There he goes. Angelo Sebel. Thank you, everybody. We're gonna keep it moving along here. You guys having fun out there? All right. Make some noise for your next comedian, Mike Ryan, everybody. Mike Ryan is next on Kill Tony.

Starting point is 01:06:39 How's everybody feeling tonight? I was feeling pretty good to this gay comic back there. He said I'm dressed like fat for his gump. His name was Jackson Nami. So I don't know if you guys can tell by my general demeanor or my fashion sense, but I go to a lot of strip clubs. Recently I went to the Yellow Rose, right?

Starting point is 01:07:08 Yeah? I heard about it on the show, wanted to go check it out. I actually saw a blind guy there. I was like, damn, dude, it's probably cheaper to listen to ACON at home. I was like, boom. He was singing really loud. He was like, I see you winding and grinding up on that pole. I was like, no, you don't. I felt pretty bad though, because he threw like 600 singles at the cigarette machine.

Starting point is 01:07:46 Thank you. Make some noise for Mike Ryan, everybody. Very fun performance. Thank you, guys. Thank you. That was fantastic. That blind strip club, AC con joke, absolutely incredible. One of my favorites of the night.

Starting point is 01:08:07 How long you been doing stand up? Four months. Four months. Wow. This is a very backwards episode. So, literally the two worst sets of the night were the two guys that have been doing it six years. The next best set was two and a half years and you're four months.

Starting point is 01:08:24 Yeah. So I worked with a guy and he told me about this show. You what do you do for work? I'm a logistics coordinator in the refineries in Houston. Okay, he told me he told me about this show and I started watching it. I fell in love. I just started right in a minute. I started going to the secret group in Houston. Shout out to secret group.

Starting point is 01:08:43 Yeah, we love this secret shout out to Andrew Youngblood. I produce his podcast now and this is the mess hall podcast. Check it out. Sorry to plug a podcast on here. We know Andrew. Yeah. Secret group is amazing. I just saw Andrew open for Mark Norman in Houston as well. And it was great man. So I just I fell in love with comedy from watching this show. OK. I love it. Absolutely.

Starting point is 01:09:09 I've signed up multiple times. And every time that I've signed up, somebody that rode with me got pulled. So Will Loden, Trey Campbell's a good friend of mine as well. Like, he's been one of the guys that's helped me out a lot. OK. I recently had him in my podcast as well. I. Like he's been one, yeah, he's been one of the guys that's helped me out a lot. Okay. I recently had him in my podcast as well. I love it. How old are you?

Starting point is 01:09:28 I am 36. 36. What's your living situation? So. I get like barn or shed vibes from you. Yeah. No, I have a house. Your own house? Yeah, I have a house.

Starting point is 01:09:42 So when my wife left, I moved in a roommate, but because I didn't want to live alone. But okay, how long ago did you like me now? Hell yeah. There you go. Big winner. Absolutely. Yeah, absolutely. So when did your wife leave you? She left in June. So I got married in October and then she left in June through the next year. I waited 35 years to get married. I'm like, I'm never getting married. I met her, fell head over heels. We got married and six months later I came home. She's like, I don't want to be married to you. Why didn't she want to be married to you anymore? What's the real reason to the? So my best friend and best man, he actually died on my wedding day. Wait a second so so I just kind of emotionally shut down immediately. Oh my God. How did he die on

Starting point is 01:10:32 your wedding? He was murdered on your wedding day. Where was your wedding? I got shot two days before and he died an hour before you didn't reschedule the wedding. No, I just your best man got shot two days before. Yeah, how did I went to the hospital and they told me it was going to be fine and then when they went to do the second surgery to close them up. Wow, wow, what happened at the wedding? That'd be like a live clue event like who done it? Houston's hood is fogged like I don't know if you know about Houston man, but it's.

Starting point is 01:11:07 Yeah, well, you know that's why a lot of people that live in Houston keep their arms crossed so that they have a natural, a natural shield to bullets. Did they find the murderer? No. They never found out who shot him. What was he involved with to have that? So he owned a very successful recording studio and he was recording some rappers and he left to go to the store. Apparently some guys and some alternate

Starting point is 01:11:33 crews got into it. They had a shootout in the studio. He pulled up in the driveway and they thought that he was like this other person coming back or something. That's that's as much as I can assume that happened. Country singers, right? No. I'm not going to say the rapper's name, but one day. Why won't you say the rapper's name? I'm not going to implicate somebody

Starting point is 01:11:58 if I don't know for sure. You think that a rapper shot your best friend? I think it's somebody in his posse, dude. Wow, this is all so interesting. Yeah, thank you. We got a song. Was it ACON? I fucking love you, Tony.

Starting point is 01:12:14 You're sweet. Hey, Jackson loves you too, boy. Man, he rode with me. Jackson rode with Nami. Yeah, he rode with me. Oh, you guys are friends. Yeah, we're from Houston's tight knit, bro. Houston. Yeah, well, Houston comedy. His asshole is not tight.

Starting point is 01:12:30 Let me tell you, I know from experience, you know what I'm learning. How do you think he got this? Bro, this is so surreal right now. This is my only goal in comedy. I only prepared minutes. I do five minute mics, but I just do five one minute sets and incredible. Well, here you are. You're doing it. I do five minute mics, but I just do five one minute sets. Incredible. Well, here you are. You're doing it. I love that. So your wife left you. You emotionally shut down.

Starting point is 01:12:52 Thanks for bringing that back up. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Have you communicated with her at all? Yeah. She texted me today. Yeah. Now we're still friends like that's the thing is she's younger and when she

Starting point is 01:13:12 said that she didn't want to be with me I loved her enough to let her go. Like I didn't want her to be unhappy and just stay with me just to do it. She's got a whole life ahead of her. You're a sweet man. Look at you. Thanks. Incredible. Guess what, if she comes back, she's yours. Yeah, that's true. That's what they say. If they come back, if they come back,

Starting point is 01:13:34 it's time to kick your roommate out. Ha ha ha ha. You have any other, you have so much charisma. You do other things on stage. You have any other special skills or talents? So I used to be in I used to be a rapper no way you got to be kidding me I wrapped over dubstep this was not you forgot about Jaree you know so so so when when dubstep first became

Starting point is 01:14:03 popular I was one of the promoters in Houston that was doing dubstep shows and I also MC'd over it and I had a fairly successful local career plate on a few festivals, stuff like that, but yeah, you would never believe by looking at me, huh? We absolutely have to get at least a sample. You can improvise if you don't do good, it's okay because we know we're just putting you on the spot. One, two, one, two, three, four. Next up, Seth. Brams be subliminal. I used to be a criminal, but now I'm hopping on this mic. I'm golden like the mineral. So take it like it's literal

Starting point is 01:14:45 Real talk, real walk If a haters talkin' shit, his body's lined in white chalk Bro, I know this entire get up, right? I've been growing the mullet out to get on this show. This whole thing. And you grew the mullet out just to be on the show? This is not me, bro. This is not me. I'm Hood Dog.

Starting point is 01:15:14 I'm telling you, bro. Like my hands are tattooed, man. I don't know if I can tell you, bro. I love it. I love it. Ace down, baby. Oh, my goodness gracious. Wow. I love it. Ace down, baby. Oh my goodness gracious. Wow.

Starting point is 01:15:27 This is incredible. You do have tattooed hands. Ace down till I drown. Okay. We almost did in Harvey too, man. You almost drowned in the hurricane? It was bad, bro. Oh my goodness.

Starting point is 01:15:41 We lost a bunch of my friends lost their houses. That's not that funny. Wow. Wow. But you didn't lose your house. No, no, no. Just his wife. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:15:56 In the front. She floated him down the river. It's all right though, dude, because I feel like I'm going to do all right with the ladies when this comes out. Hell yeah, dude. No doubt. Wow. because I feel like I'm gonna do alright with the ladies when this comes out. Hell yeah dude, dude. No doubt. No doubt. Wow.

Starting point is 01:16:07 You know, Trey is on the secret show Thursday. If you wanna take a ride up with him and do your five minutes of the secret show. I'll fucking drive him bro. Hell yeah, dude, fuck you. Fuck you, fuck you. Fuck you, yeah. Woo!

Starting point is 01:16:21 There you go, ladies and gentlemen. The Kill Tony debut of Mike Ryan and here we go in the big joke book. Oh, thank you. Thank you, bro. Mike Ryan, you did it, dude. Very exciting. Well, he's been doing it for four months.

Starting point is 01:16:42 We have four years, Anthony Seville, or wait, one year. Two and a half years from Billy Swift. Six years from Gordon Sumner. Six years from Jackson Nani, or Nainie. But there was a guy on a few weeks ago who debuted on this show. He did his very first minute ever, wrote a minute, absolutely crushed

Starting point is 01:17:05 and crushed throughout the interview. And I told him when he has another minute ready to come back to the show. So this is the second ever time on stage, the second ever minute from returning guests. This is the return of Carlos Lopez, everybody. Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Starting point is 01:17:27 Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Starting point is 01:17:35 Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Starting point is 01:17:43 Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! If they try to cancel me for that, well, she it. I have a fascination with nature's leftovers. There's something about single moms that just gets my juices flowing. I volunteer to fuck a sex robot for AI research purposes. I'm proud to say that not only does artificial intelligence finally understand human emotions, but I'm the one that tied the feeling of disappointment. Yeah. Thank you.

Starting point is 01:18:35 Beats. One after the other, Carlos Lopez, with a grand total of two minutes has had two rock solid minutes. How do you feel, Carlos? Fucking incredible, man. Thank you for having me. You have so much swagger to you, so much fucking cadence,

Starting point is 01:18:50 such a powerful presence on stage. You drive horses around in an actual truck, not one of these fucking furniture moolers. You're a real fucking cowboy out there lugging around horses. Tell us more. I just live on the road, man. I've been blessed to see the whole country.

Starting point is 01:19:14 Most people where I grew up, they don't ever leave town much less see everything I get to see. I'm just blessed, man. I've been a good life. There you go. God loves white people. There you go. God loves white people. Carlos, you mentioned having a, uh, a love for single mothers.

Starting point is 01:19:31 What is it about single mothers that you like so much? What is it? Can you always tell when they're single? Well, I know they put out. That's actually a good, yeah. Yep. Great answer. They're very loving and nurturing, I could use that in my life, you know? Yeah, you're out there taking care of the horses,

Starting point is 01:19:50 god damn it, time for someone to take care of you. Yeah, and if they're shitty moms, I don't have to worry about them sticking around. That's right, absolutely. They'll leave you even after your best friend gets murdered on your wedding day. That's how it works. That is how it works, people.

Starting point is 01:20:07 This is real life. True. I love it. Carlos, you ever been married? Hell no. Hell no. Just out here hauling horses, slaying a dick and dodging babies. There he is.

Starting point is 01:20:20 There it is. Oh shit, we woke him up. God damn it. Dude, how did the cowboy community take Brokeback Mountain? Were you guys pissed or like? Like, does it happen up there if you're out there with your boy for like too long? You guys get cattle fever?

Starting point is 01:20:37 Hell no. I run a cell bar in the after before that. Hell no. Did you ever see the movie? Oh, it's very poetic, yeah. That's a perfect answer. The best line is after they fuck, he's like, why ain't gang, he's like, I ain't either.

Starting point is 01:20:56 Y'all just buff fucked in the mountains. At least in Brady already there, at least in Bracen. Solid. I never saw it, I started it once and I got so hard that I passed out the time. All the blood left my brain and I was smitten. You know, that movie just made me want to go eat a pussy. You know what I mean? There you go.

Starting point is 01:21:36 There you go. Carlos, you're a real manly man. You're fucking filled with testosterone. It's absolutely incredible. What's the manliest thing you've ever done? You think just give it take a second. A woman. Uh huh. incredible. What's the manliest thing you've ever done? You think just give it take a second woman? Uh huh. Yeah. Fuck. I don't know. I guess it's the handling livestock right by hand. You know, yeah, that'll do it. Rank ass fucking lifestyle. What's the most

Starting point is 01:21:58 feminine thing you've ever done? Watch broke back mountain. I'll do it. So fucking quick, dude. He is. Lightning quick. We absolutely love you. You're so straight, the D madness has a fondness for you too. He can feel it in the air. Carlos, what's your living situation? Man, I live on the road, so I got a place I call home

Starting point is 01:22:23 at the moment in Corpus Christi, Texas, and I'm never anywhere for too long. Oh, God, you're so cool. Everything's like a... It's unbelievable. Never anywhere for too long. God, unbelievable. You talk to the horses sometimes? Fuck yeah, the best conversations I've ever had.

Starting point is 01:22:43 Oh, yeah. I'll pray it off ever had. I got it, dude. They operate off of your ear and nail and I like that. Yeah. Straight forward. Do you ever get horse lady pussy? Do you ever get horse lady pussy? Oh, horse lady pussy, okay. Not horse, not a horse pussy.

Starting point is 01:22:59 I mean, if you were to handle horse pussy, hats off, cowboy. That's all I, that's, it's a physical feat. No, horse lady pussy. Horse lady pussy, hats off, cowboy. That's all I ask. It's a physical feat. No, horse lady pussy. Horse lady pussy is some of the wildest pussy. Hell yeah. I bet, brother. Some of that old. You ain't scaring them.

Starting point is 01:23:14 You just trying to hang on. Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha. Don't believe me.

Starting point is 01:23:22 Fuckin' try. I believe you. I believe you. Ha ha ha ha. I believe you, I believe you. I believe you. That's absolutely incredible. What's your favorite position to have sexual relations with a woman in? Anyone with a woman, that was fine with me. Make it quick and make it stick, I ain't too big.

Starting point is 01:23:43 Wow, no doubt about it. You ever breed horses? Not on purpose. This is what made us fall in love with you. He's got answers for everything, this fucking guy. It's absolutely... There may have been a stallion turned out where we're exposed to you once or twice. It was not me.

Starting point is 01:24:08 Ha ha ha ha. Wow. Now, uh... Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Wow, that is incredible. What else do you do for fun?

Starting point is 01:24:18 What is a, I mean, I know you're out on the road a lot. You're never one place too long. Rodeos. You love rodeos. Have you ever done a rodeo? No, no, you're never one place too long. Rodeos, wild women. Have you ever done a rodeo? No, no, I'm not a rodeo cowboy. But rodeos, wild women and one night taco stands. Wow.

Starting point is 01:24:34 It's a country song actually. One night taco stands. Every fucking thing you said. You finally bombed. It's a song. Well, cowboy. No, you're the man. You are the fucking best. It is incredible. I'm just a nasty comic. Dude, I'm sorry I shouldn't have said that, but...

Starting point is 01:24:52 It is... It was also perfect. It is incredible. Can you describe to us what a one-night taco stand is? The taco stand I'm at for one night. Whatever one I run into is my favorite one at the moment. Wow. I'll find... I'll have a... It's like a us what a one night taco stand is. The taco stand I'm at for one night. Whatever one I run into is my favorite one at the moment. Wow.

Starting point is 01:25:08 I'll find, I'll have a look. It's like a magic power from you. I can find taco stands fucking everywhere. I found one in Traverse City, Michigan one time. I didn't know they had mescans up there. Yeah, I use... I usually use Google. I can locate them pretty easily as well

Starting point is 01:25:32 Partner I just check into my phone. I find them everywhere. I go is what kind of cell phone do you have? I want to know what a cowboy cell phone is this a it's a notebook Broken iPhone you know Punchy. Yep. That's what happens when you're around that. How'd you break, partner? I fucking can't ever keep anything intact when you're around life start. I heard that. Yeah. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:25:52 Yeah. I got two dogs myself. Yeah. How are we shitting on the rug? Yeah. Picking up my bare hands and throw it out the window. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're in Austin tomorrow night?

Starting point is 01:26:08 I can be. Okay. The great Brian Simpson has a show called Bottom of the Barrel, where people have to pull topics out of a bucket and improvise in the moment. Um, uh, jokes. And you're so quick, I wanna see how that goes for you.

Starting point is 01:26:27 So the late show, tomorrow night, bottom of the barrel here at the mother ship, that's an official spot at the comedy mother ship. Not the fucking secret show. This is the mother ship, is that okay? Yes sir, yes sir. All right, there he goes, Carlos Lopez everybody, making his second ever appearance.

Starting point is 01:26:46 Only has two minutes, but he's gonna be improvising tomorrow on bottom of the barrel. Late show here at the mothership. Pulled another name out of the bucket. Whoa, Heidi. Make some noise for your next bucket pull. 60 seconds uninterrupted from Jason Vest, everybody. Jason Vest, here we go.

Starting point is 01:27:08 Make some noise, Austin! A little bit about me, I'm a retired veteran. I served 20 years in the military. Make some noise for that. I am a hundred percent disabled American war hero. I am a hundred percent disabled American war hero. When I tripped and fell and my boys come during a motel gang bang in 1996, people. Whoa, don't cringe people. I was lied to when I joined the military. I was lied to. The recruiter told me, Jason, you're going to be saving lives on the battlefield of Baghdad, Iraq. I was not saving lives on the battlefield of Baghdad, Iraq. I was not saving lives on the battlefield of Baghdad, Iraq. I was giving grown men STD tests. I wasn't saving lives on the battlefield.

Starting point is 01:27:50 I was a pecker checker. I was saving Ryan's privates one fat cock at a time. I was the Dick Doctor of Baghdad. And I'm proud to be an American, you don't have an STD. Wrap it up next time and you'll be fine from herpes and HPV. Ah! But now I have PTSD because five of them dicks

Starting point is 01:28:24 I handled were black. Do you know? Okay, Jason Vest. Wrap it up indeed. Oh my goodness gracious. Jason, Jason, Jason. Tony, Tony, Tony. Hi buddy, how are you?

Starting point is 01:28:40 How are you? How long you been doing stand up, Jason? About three years. Three years. Wow. where at? Detroit, Chicago, not here in Austin. Okay, Detroit, Chicago, what made you move to Austin? Yeah, I started making content on the internet.

Starting point is 01:28:56 I was in Chicago and I decided that I wanted to be closer to Texas, I'm a veteran, my fan base is kind of down here. I've got a tiny little following on the internet. And moved here to be a little bit closer to the service members that I. Okay, what type of content do little following on the internet. And moved here to be a little bit closer to the service members that I... Okay. What type of content do you make on the internet? So I hosted a butthole contest at a strip club in Lansing, Michigan, Tony.

Starting point is 01:29:14 I hear you. You're trying to be extreme, but just explain to us slowly. Just answer the questions honestly. Clearly, your delivery isn't that effective. So let's try a different approach. I think he's got that silly Willy syndrome the other guy was talking about. Oh my God.

Starting point is 01:29:28 Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God.

Starting point is 01:29:35 Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. The old Prater Willie up here.

Starting point is 01:29:45 We finally found him. This is the guy. So what, what type of content do you make? Nice and slowly and calmly. So I promote events on the internet at strip clubs across the country. And what are these events? I hosted the 2023 prettiest butthole in

Starting point is 01:30:05 Michigan competition. And that's women's buttholes? All buttholes. I said prettiest butthole in Michigan. Who won? A woman from Lincoln, Nebraska drove 16 hours to Lansing, Michigan to show us her cornhusker butthole. Wow. There you go. There's Red Band's fart noise for the episode. He was really excited about that one. It was a thing of beauty. Okay, so Jason, three years, and what's the best set you've ever had? Do you remember that night?

Starting point is 01:30:34 Where was that? I'd say the best set I ever had was New Year's Eve last year in Saginaw, Michigan. Ooh, what happened there? What did you talk about on stage to make things go so well? Well, I did what I did here, except people laugh, Tony.

Starting point is 01:30:50 Oh, that's right. People in Saginaw, Michigan are retarded, everyone. I almost forgot. It's unbelievable if that worked in front of a real live audience. That is incredible, but yet I'm not surprised. If it would work anywhere, it would be Michigan. All right, Jason.

Starting point is 01:31:08 So how long have you been in Austin? One month. One month, and how's it going for you? What do you love about Austin? I don't know, it's cheap to live, it's better in Chicago. I live in like Flugerville, just north of town, I love it. Ooh, Flugerville, the home of Brian Redman. Another one of your people here we found.

Starting point is 01:31:26 Look at that. You all have this... Cuttle guy. Aw, there you go. Okay. And Jason, you're gay, right? No, I'm straight. I've been married for 17 years.

Starting point is 01:31:36 What? No, I'm straight. Straight as hell, man. Really? Hey, butt stuff is fun stuff. It don't mean you're gay. I'm just adventurous, Tony. Come on.

Starting point is 01:31:45 I think Don't Ask Don't Tell is thriving in the military right now. Have you ever been milked before? No, but I milked someone in Iraq. I handled dicks in Iraq. Tony, I gave grown men STD tests. I've milked a dick in my day. Doesn't mean I'm gay. So wait, how do you milk a dick doing an STD test?

Starting point is 01:32:03 So when I gave this dude an STD test, he came into the clinic and the doctor said, you gotta milk his dick a little bit to get the sample, cause you have to put a rod in it. And so then when I got done with the exam, the doctor asked me, he's like, Jason, how did that exam go? And I got milked it, I got a sample,

Starting point is 01:32:17 and he's like, you didn't milk that guy's dick. I just made that up, it was a fucking joke. You jerked that guy off for no reason. Look out, look out. that up. That was a fucking joke. You jerk that guy off for no reason. What? Wow. Wow. Jesus Christ. What's going on back there? D. D. does not believe you're straight at all. Dude.

Starting point is 01:32:43 Swear to God. All right. we're gonna keep a move in Jason. There you go, have a great life. There goes Jason Vass. We're gonna keep moving on. Little joke book went to Jason and on to the next one. Make some noise for your next comedian. Pedro Valenzuela, everybody.

Starting point is 01:32:59 Pedro Valenzuela. Here we go. Kamala Harris looks just like my mom. That's exactly why I can't trust that bitch. You know what I'm saying? Like, I trust Kamala Harris like I trust Biden with Baron Trump. You know, he's gonna touch that kid. That's all I'm saying.

Starting point is 01:33:30 It's probably gonna touch him. I think it's funny how people that like Donald Trump, they'll never admit that they actually like him. Like they'd rather say something worse. Like I asked my boy, I was like, hey man, you like Donald Trump? He was like, yeah. And I was like, hey man, you like Donald Trump? He was like, yeah. And I was like, what'd you say?

Starting point is 01:33:48 He was like, no, actually what I said was, I like watching dykes get jumped. He said that, that wasn't me. I don't like it. My girlfriend had a gender reveal party. Uh, turns out she was a hermaphrodite the whole time. We used to joke around about how her clit looked like a tiny penis. And it was...

Starting point is 01:34:21 It was a tiny penis. Is it? Pedro Valenzuela? Oh my God. This is an incredible night tonight. Pedro, remind us all how long have you been doing stand-up comedy? I've been doing like three years now. Yeah. How's it going? It's going pretty good. I think the life is going not as good. Tell us about life. All right. Well, moved to Austin with a mission. I'm not gonna lie to you guys.

Starting point is 01:34:52 I am after the powers that be. What do you feel? Are you what is going on, dude? I knew that this was gonna be a problem, but people think it's crazy, but trust me shit is wild out here. I've seen a lot of things. I've seen. I'm getting you out of here. I'm getting you out of here. You have it. Just go Pedro Balanzuela. It was a very easy question. Unbelievable go pee. Matt McCusker is going to go pee. That gives our inside comedian enough time

Starting point is 01:35:26 to make it to the stage. Perhaps one of your very own human beings could leave tonight with a set of the night from a non-regular, some rough bucket pools tonight. Coming from the inside, make some noise for Matt Cohen, everybody. It's one of your own people Matt Cohen are you here Matt?

Starting point is 01:35:54 Is the movement from Matt oh here he comes everybody but oh that's a guy going back to his seat Matt Cohen we're getting okay from the farthest away possible position. Is he walking towards the stage? And now I present to you the inside zone, Matt Cohen everybody. Yeah, all right, all right, all right. So all my jokes are on my phone and they won't give me my phone. Not a joke.

Starting point is 01:36:28 God. So you don't remember anything that you wrote? Not the man. Really? I know, it's torture, torture. We have a phone unlocker. This is your phone. Congratulations, we got it unlocked. Yeah, he doesn't seem excited to have his phone unlocked,

Starting point is 01:36:53 by the way. No, because it's off and everything. It's off, it's OK. Yes. It's OK. Let's just do your interview now, and then we'll do the minute afterwards. All right, let's go, let's go.

Starting point is 01:37:02 How long have you been doing stand-up? This would be my first time. Right. And where are you from? Tampa, Florida. And what do you do for work? I'm a marketing director. Always the funniest people.

Starting point is 01:37:17 It's all smoke and mirrors. What's your love life like? Pretty good. I'm happily married. Will you have any special skills or talents? Have you ever done anything on stage before? Special talents you'd have to ask my wife, but she's not here. Okay, that's great. Is she locked up too?

Starting point is 01:37:31 With a lot of excuses. Okay, uh-oh. Here we go, ladies and gentlemen. 60 seconds uninterrupted. He signed up for it. Make some noise for Matt Cohen, everybody. Thank you. thank you. So when I was in seventh grade, I had a friend named JT and one night on the phone JT asked if he could sleep over at my house and I said, sure, cool, no problem. Well, he said, when I sleep over at your house,

Starting point is 01:38:06 I got something to show you. Okay, we were really into rap music and I had the double disc album of Bone Dugs and Harmony, the Art of War, I was like, thank you. So I was really excited to show him that CD, like we were gonna listen to hip hophop music together, because that's what white boys in seventh grade did, listen to rap music and sleepovers. So there's a big buildup. It's coming, it's coming. So it's Friday night, he's at the house, we're sleeping over, hanging

Starting point is 01:38:38 out, listening to bone thugs and harmony, art of war. And we listen to everything, we listen to all the hits. Body rot, thug love, look into my eyes, you know it. So last song plays, JT says, I'm ready to show you my surprise. The, can I keep going? Yeah, man, let's go. There's the stupid bear bear go fucking go dude go get to it bro. You guys want to know what his surprise was His dick his preteen cock. He started stroking his dick. Okay, there he goes everybody true story true story There you go. There you go. You guys can boo better than that.

Starting point is 01:39:26 Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Starting point is 01:39:34 Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Starting point is 01:39:42 Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! sizing. Okay. Very good. Before I let you go, most interesting or compelling thing that's ever happened to you in your entire life, ever your whole life, you get to reference from right now. I took a trip to Israel and then climb Mount Massada. It was pretty badass. Oh God. Wow. Wait a way to get the crowd on your side. Okay. There he goes. Matt Cohen from the inside. There he goes. Go, go. No little joke book, no nothing. That was absolutely unbearable. Yeah, we have someone

Starting point is 01:40:12 else from the inside. We haven't had a female on stage tonight, so we picked to have a female. Ladies and gentlemen, closing out your bucket pools. Your first female comedian of the night, make some noise for Sidney Abusawan. Sidney Abusawan, that's a guy? Come on Sidney, whatever, you have the name of a woman, let's do it. Hey guys and cowboys tonight. Here he is, Sidney Abusawan. Thank you, thank you.

Starting point is 01:40:41 So I used to be the proud owner of two testicles. Yep, but I was surgically transformed not into the uno breasto, but into the The doctor taught me a valuable life lesson, ball is life. I also had another surgery after my chemotherapy to remove some cancerous lymph nodes in my abdominal area. The side effects, although temporary, were unbelievable. I could experience and feel the sensation of an orgasm, but no cum would come out. I was literally shooting blanks. Free birth control right here.

Starting point is 01:41:36 Pullout game, fucking weak. About a year later, it finally happened. I came, came for the first time. My girlfriend looked at me with tears streaming down her face. I said, baby, what's wrong? She mentioned we can have a baby. And that's when I realized my pull out game was indeed weak. I had unknowingly impregnated her sister.

Starting point is 01:42:03 Okay. Sydney Abu-Sawan. I thought I was pulling a woman out. You're one testicle away. All right. So you have one ball. Yes, sir. Okay. What is that name? Sydney Abu-Sawan. What is your ethnicity? So I'm Lebanese.

Starting point is 01:42:12 Lebanese. But I was born in Sydney, Australia. Oh. So you're named after where you was born in Sydney, Australia. Oh, so you're named after where you were born? That's correct. Sydney. Yes, sir.

Starting point is 01:42:30 OK. Creative parents. I was hoping maybe Bali. Oh, yeah. I was hoping I was going to get to do an Allah Allah akball joke, but I guess I'm not going to. All right, so how old were you when you lost the ball? So this is 2014 so I was around 21 22 Oh, you're coming up on your 10 year anniversary. Yes, sir. Oh my goodness. What are you gonna do? You're gonna do something special?

Starting point is 01:42:57 No Perhaps I haven't thought about that actually. Yeah. Okay. Very exciting Is this something that runs in your family? No, no, it doesn't run in my family, so it was luck of the draw. Do you think you did something, some type of karma from when you were younger to make you lose a ball? Yeah, I jerk an awful lot. Yeah, I was wanking quite a bit, so as a matter of fact, I've toned down on that. No, not November is a big thing for me. Try to pack those three. Is that really a thing?

Starting point is 01:43:26 Do they say that if you jerk off a lot, your odds of testicular cancer are higher? Well, if I jerk an off a lot, you actually reduce your risk of prostate cancer, so make sure you wank. Okay, there you go. I'm learning a lot tonight about the prostate and jerking off and cum.

Starting point is 01:43:42 It's the other guy's roommate. It was the guy's roommate from before, I'm like, I can do it. Sydney, what do you do for work? So I work for a sports nutrition company. I'm a product formulator and a senior scientist. So we do a lot of protein powders, pre-workouts, creatine testosterone boosters,

Starting point is 01:44:00 help with the soy boys and things of that nature. Yeah, you think you're overcompensating for having one testicle. Yeah, well, perhaps. Some of the soy boys out there have twice the nuts that you have. I actually have a Doverman, his name's Berlin, keeping consistent with the city names.

Starting point is 01:44:19 OK, was he born in Berlin? No. Does he hate Jews? But he is intact, so yes, he has twice in Berlin? No. Does he hate Jews? No. No. No. But he is intact, so yes, he has twice the balls of me. He's what? He's intact, so I didn't neuter him. Oh.

Starting point is 01:44:32 So he has. You should have just took one from him. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. A little dober boy. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:44:41 Okay. And you make fucking protein for a living. What's your love life like? Is someone out there sucking your ball? As a matter of fact, yes, I'm recently engaged. Oh, nice. Hell yeah. What is the name of this one-titted woman?

Starting point is 01:45:02 Rebecca. Okay, what does she do? So she works as a clinical research analyst, so she works at a hospital. So a bit more about me, I have my PhD in exercise science. Wow. Yeah, so I specialize in muscle health and she specializes in cardiovascular health.

Starting point is 01:45:18 Okay. So, it's quite complimentary in that aspect. So she works at a hospital. Yeah. Yeah. Wow. That's the most autistic shit I've ever heard. Yeah. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:45:29 Yeah. That is, When will your season of love on the spectrum be airing? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Ha ha ha. Wow.

Starting point is 01:45:44 Have you ever heard of Prater Willie? Yeah, yes, yes I have, yeah. You have? Yes, yes. That's crazy, because your Willie got pratered about 10 years ago. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha doing in Sydney, did they ever tell you? Yeah, great question. So they're debating at the time to live either in... They were what? They were debating at the time to live either in Canada

Starting point is 01:46:09 or Australia. So my sister was a year older than me, she was born in Toronto, I was born in Sydney, they ended up settling in Toronto. Is her name Toronto? Yeah. Is it? No, no, no, that's not, yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 01:46:20 Yeah, so then they settled for Toronto. So friends and I came here to visit to see the show and shoot some guns as well Because we're up in Canada. Hell yeah, shooting guns. Do you just put one bullet in at a time? Oh my god Sydney craziest thing about your life could be anything at all that you've ever seen or done other than lose a ball life could be anything at all that you've ever seen or done other than lose a ball. Something you ever save anybody's life or have to do is someone like, we need a doctor and you're like, I'm a nutritional PhD. No, I'm a...

Starting point is 01:46:54 Three-up drinkless creatine. Anything like that? No, unfortunately, a fake doctor over here, so I haven't saved anyone's life. So yeah, cancer's one of the interesting things about me, and that's why I decided to make my set about. I love it. You did really good. First time?

Starting point is 01:47:15 Yeah, first time ever, yeah. Absolutely. Absolutely. Yeah, absolutely. Have you been on stage before? Have you done anything ever on stage? Yeah, yeah, because obviously with the PhD in grad school, I give a lot of talks.

Starting point is 01:47:25 I like to tell stories and whatnot, so I tried to integrate the storytelling with comedy somewhat self-deprecating. So first time ever doing stand-up comedy and got pretty fired up, because half tranny, half bald, not a woman almost there, so. Yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 01:47:44 Whatever you just said, I agree. Great job for a first time. I'm giving you a big kill Tony joke book. There he goes. Sydney Abosa-Wan. Okay, we've seen a lot tonight. My page is absolutely filled with notes about absolutely insane people that were up here tonight.

Starting point is 01:48:05 And now we end the show the only way we know how. I present to you the Sultan of San Antonio, the lover of leather, the baron of demowing, the electric water cycle, the SEAL Team 1, the Memphis Strangler, the Big Red Machine, this is indeed William Montgomery, everybody! Here he is! I'm not gonna let you down. I'm not gonna let you down. I'm not gonna let you down. I'm not gonna let you down. I'm not gonna let you down. I'm not gonna let you down. I'm not gonna let you down.

Starting point is 01:48:54 I'm not gonna let you down. I'm not gonna let you down. I'm not gonna let you down. I'm not gonna let you down. I'm not gonna let you down. I'm not gonna let you down. climbed Mount Messiah, you dumbass. Holy shit, you needed your phone for that? Oh my God.

Starting point is 01:49:11 Holy shit. Not sure about y'all, but every day is president's day at my house. I don't need a special sale to celebrate. No, but seriously, for President's Day this year, I'm going as Warren G. Hardu. California has built a border wall that has anti-climbing technology. Gavin Newsom defended the wall,

Starting point is 01:49:41 saying, I'm tired of revolutionary talents like Tony Hinchcliffe leaving our great state. Gavin didn't want Tony to leave California! Ha! Quick housekeeping announcement, but if you're the driver of a 2003 White and beige Honda Accord, your car busted as fuck!

Starting point is 01:50:01 Shit! Why your ass ain't get an anti-tag? I'd rather drive Princess Diana through a tunnel in Paris than drive that piece of shit! Ha! And also, I was just wondering, do you get PTO in the CIA? I'm trying to decide if I want the job or not. Okay, that's my time.

Starting point is 01:50:23 Boom, showing us how it's done. The regulars really coming through tonight. Unbelievable. Please never come on the stage again with me, you stupid bitch. Oh my God, whoa. God damn, bitch! Whoa, William.

Starting point is 01:50:40 William. Tony, I swear to God, I have shit three times today. And the third time, I almost passed out on the toilet. Why? Why would you almost pass out? I don't know. It was, yeah, it was three giant. I don't want to keep on bringing up all brand buds.

Starting point is 01:50:55 But dude, I ate a giant ball last night and a giant ball this morning. And I took three huge shits. So I'm sorry if I got a little worked up, because I don't need that stupid. But yeah, see you right there, bitch! Whoa, that's a lovely Heidi, oh my God. Keep your tits in your shirt, holy shit!

Starting point is 01:51:11 Who says that? Keep your tits in your shirt, here he is. William Montgomery. Yeah, I'm fucking sure, yeah, keep your tits in your shirt. William's gonna get pussy from his girlfriend tonight for that one. Hey bitch, keep your tits in yo shirt. Good job, William, smart maneuver. Your girlfriend of many years.

Starting point is 01:51:33 I don't wanna see those good-looking tits, bitch! Whoa! They just don't have hair on them. Oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh, oh.

Starting point is 01:51:49 Oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh, oh.

Starting point is 01:51:56 Oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh, oh.

Starting point is 01:52:03 Oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh, oh. William, an absolutely hilarious set mixing in Warren Harding into the mix. No, not November. You went a lot of different places there. Fantastic work. Unbelievable. Tell us more about your writing process.

Starting point is 01:52:13 Do you do that? So, so today I'm thinking President's Day. I'm thinking immediately Warren G Harding gets into my mind. I'm thinking I'm gonna base the entire thing about Warren G. Harding, and then I'm thinking, oh, California, the border wall, let me do something where Gavin Newsom is kicking Tony out of California.

Starting point is 01:52:39 And then on that one, I'm praying to the Lord that at the end of that, when I yell, Gavin wanted Tony out of California, I'm praying to the Lord, that at the end of that, when I yell, Gavin wanted Tony out of California, I'm praying to God above. People are gonna laugh at that. And Tony, I know that there's sometimes a chance where if I yell something and then people don't laugh, I mean, it makes me want to crawl

Starting point is 01:52:58 into a little hole sometimes, Tony. And I think honestly, that is part of the reason I ate two bowls of all-br last night and today because I wanted to punish myself a little bad I've been wanting to really punish myself for you done a countless amounts of interviews you are in the Hall of Fame you have the record for the most appearances on the show the most interviews with me and I cannot recall a time where I've ever heard you be so emotionally shaken before, then right then, right there, at that moment.

Starting point is 01:53:32 Yeah, no, Tony, I swear to the Lord above, there are moments where these things are just coming into my fucking head, and I think, well, Tony, I mean, do you get PTO in the CIA? I mean, the thought is like three, like they sound similar, but they're kind of different. And then, and then I'm just thinking, okay, PTO CIA, and then I'm thinking,

Starting point is 01:54:00 maybe if I pretend like I'm the one getting the job, people are going to look and think, oh, well, he's probably not CIA material, but then that's when I wanna start punishing myself, Tony, because I want these jokes to be near and dear to my heart, to really be true to me, and sometimes I start thinking, God, I'm some sort of fucking phony up here,

Starting point is 01:54:20 and then I swear to God, I start loading up these fucking bowls of that Albram Buds and I put a bunch of raspberries and blueberries so that allowed these bowls to be huge because I put the Albram Buds in and then I put skim milk recently and I swear I will put it in there and then I'll wait 20 minutes for them to get really mushy, so then I can really spoon feed myself and I'm feeling real fucking nasty and I really... It's hard for you to wait that 20 minutes, isn't it?

Starting point is 01:54:53 Yeah, sometimes it's like super hard. I mean, sometimes I'm looking at this fucking bowl of this just mush stuff and I'm thinking, oh, what do I start putting the blueberries in now do I put them in after the mush has released when it's really settling in there what do I put the fucking blueberries in that when I put in these nasty little raspberries in this fucking all brand buds and then I just fucking start squeezing some of the blueberries sometime before they even hit my mouth.

Starting point is 01:55:28 Because sometimes I don't care. Sometimes I don't care if the fucking blueberries end up in the bowl of cereal because Tony sometimes I'm staring at the cereal bowl thinking, oh wait just a fucking minute. I mean, I'm hungry right now. But I can't. Do you ever put the blueberries or raspberries in the bottom or in the middle?

Starting point is 01:55:51 Do you always put them at the top? Tony, they are always at the top. Hey! Oh! What's that dumb ass look in your face, Red Band? What are you doing, dude? I'm up here literally about to fucking cry. Wait, show me your tits.

Starting point is 01:56:12 Can I see your buzz? I'm kidding! William, you are all over the place tonight. Amazing. So the all brand buds, how much did they pay you all brand buds to bring them up every week on the show nothing yet. I have to start just mentioning them a bunch. They told me he was part of the so yeah that makes sense. That makes a lot of sense. Matt McCusker you've seen William before he's a full nature absolute phenom

Starting point is 01:56:45 dude. Yeah, unbelievable. What's the fiber content on those? I'm 60% for half a cup. Yeah, I'm eating. I swear to God, probably three cups were in a bowl. So that's what what's 60 times. Are there any catches to a ridiculously high fiber diet? I just got over skin cancer and hemorrhoids. You're sick more than anyone. I know literally give you hemorrhoids. You will get hemorrhoids. I swear Tony when I was wiping my butt and I was wiping my butt using the dude wipes. That is right. That is that is an official sponsor. William Montgomery and I swear to you

Starting point is 01:57:23 Tony. I stuck my finger up in my butthole and it was my butthole was coming out of my anus or however that works I could feel it popping out of my so this is a butthole heavy episode tonight and it's gross it's not good but I could feel with my fingers Tony explain to us what you mean when you say your butthole was coming out of your butthole I mean when I was putting my left hand into my left handed. Yes. How do you what the fuck yeah left handed. Let me remind everyone. Those of you might not know we've been doing this a long time and

Starting point is 01:58:00 William didn't wipe for the first four plus years that we knew him. He would literally, every time he would poop, he would get into the shower afterwards. It's the weirdest fucking thing. It angers me, literally angers me to think about this. It was a thing that came up a lot. He couldn't poop out at comedy clubs or out and about or at airports. He would have to wait until he's at home or the hotel.

Starting point is 01:58:23 And that's what he does at home or the hotel. That's what he does when he makes me mad. So it makes anything okay. It's why we have such a good long working relationship. So so hold on a second. You have begun wiping finally it took years for us to get you to start wiping instead of getting in the shower and you do it left-handed. You are right-handed, am I correct? Yes.

Starting point is 01:58:49 What would make you start wiping with your left hand? I don't think I've ever wiped with my left hand. I've never done that. No, you do it so it feels like someone else is doing it for you. Yeah, you gotta sit on your hand for a little bit. That's why I had to get in the shower, Tony. I mean, that process, sitting on your fucking left hand

Starting point is 01:59:10 before you're putting it up in your anus. I mean, yeah, you gotta... That's why we get in the shower. So, hold on a second. You've never given up on a dump and said, fuck it, I'm throwing it in the towel, I'm hitting the showers? No. Sometimes they're so wretched, you gotta just take it to the shower. You just got to be like, look, yeah, what if it

Starting point is 01:59:26 sprays up all on your butt? That's probably having a hazard with bad diarrhea. Sometimes I feel like the splashback is my my old butt ends up if you haven't died. You would be day. Would you use it? It doesn't fit on our on the toilet size. Somebody I was gifted one a couple of years ago. Do you still have it? Yes, no I know what did you do with this bidet? It's a good will. A couple bags for good will recently and I fucking you gave a bidet that's been unboxed to get. Well, yeah, I mean I kind of don't give a fuck, Tony. I mean, honestly, I kind of don't give a shit.

Starting point is 02:00:09 Let them get fucking hepatitis. Let somebody else have fucking hepatitis, man. You are an anomaly, William Montgomery. It is incredible. Week after week, you always have the absolute best interviews. It is incredible. I mean, 12 minutes has flown by since you got up here. And that's absolutely incredible.

Starting point is 02:00:31 My attempts at- Shut up, bitch! Yeah. Oh, an insult and a wink. We've seen this before, everybody. The wink of William Montgomery. Whoa, there it is. Uh-oh, he doesn't give the, whoa. There's the sound that happens on the wink of William Montgomery. Whoa, there it is. Uh-oh, he doesn't give the, whoa.

Starting point is 02:00:47 There's the sound that happens on the wink. There's one. There's another one. Oh, we can't see. You gotta kind of cheat towards us if you want the sounds to make sense. Oh my goodness. Wow, whoa.

Starting point is 02:01:02 Okay, that's a little loud. Okay. That. Whoa. Okay. That's a little loud. Okay. That really was those were a lot of winks. Yeah, I'm tired now. Yeah, you must be exhausted. All right. Well, William, you did it again. Unfucking believable to be here. Thank you. You want to promote or plug William? Still please find me on cameo and look at my Instagram for upcoming headlining. There you go. Absolutely. William Montgomery ladies and gentlemen, Matt McCusker's on tour Matt McCusker dot com Matt and Shane secret podcast makes some fucking

Starting point is 02:01:39 noise for Matt McCusker. Thank you guys. Jellblaster yellow rose red rose Red Rose, Hall Lawfair, NinjaBuses.com, CM Smokehouse Connect Mobile Health. And again, thank you to Asphalt 3D. This thing worked out like a fucking charm. Look at that. All the names stuck, those are little magnets. So cool.

Starting point is 02:01:58 This guy makes crazy stuff out of 3D. He made these mic stands, just a fan. But such great products. It's absolutely incredible. The drawing from Ryan Jebeld is in. Those are available at ryanjebeld.com. The drawing from local artist, Chris Rogers of William Montgomery. Wow.

Starting point is 02:02:15 What a piece of art. How about one more time for the band? Carlos Sosa, Fernando Castillo, Raul Veo, Michael Gonzalez, D-Madness, John Dees, and Matt Mueling. Thank you guys so much, Red Band. I'll be in San Diego in July. Check out americancomedycode.com. There you go.

Starting point is 02:02:35 Good night everybody. Thank you. The Forum Madison Square Garden coming up. We love you guys. Thank you. Good night everybody. The Sunset Strip comedy club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to SunsetStripATX.com for tickets. Thanks for watching! you you

KILL TONY - #654: MATT MCCUSKER

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