KILL TONY - #662 - DANIEL VAN KIRK

Starting point is 00:00:00 Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.TV. And don't forget to check out everything Tony Hinchcliffe at TonyHinchcliffe.com. And the Sunset Strips, my new comedy club in Austin, Texas. Go to SunsetStripATX.com. And now here's a brand new episode of Killtony. This is the week, Killtony Live from Los Angeles, California. Friday, May 10th at the Kia Forum,

Starting point is 00:00:37 and Sunday, May 12th at the YouTube Theater. You can watch it live online while it happens at KilltonyLive.com. Get your tickets now. Don't miss anything. See it first at Kiltonylive.com. One more time, we out. Hey, this is Red Bank coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas. For our brand new episode of Kill Tony, Give it up for Tony Hitschler! ["Kill Tony Hitschler"] You got, who's, who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? ["Kill Tony Hitschler"]

Starting point is 00:02:04 Yeah! ["Kill Tony Hitschler"] Make some noise for for Red Band everybody! You did it, you're here. The number one live podcast in the world brought to you by Cook Unity, Draft Kings and Game Time. How about a hand for the best damn band in the land, huh? The great Carlos Sosa, Raúl Vallejo, and Fernando Castillo on the horns. Not to be confused with Michael Gonzalez on the drum. The mortician, Matt Mueling, on the electric guitar. The great John Dees on the keys.

Starting point is 00:02:41 And joining us on the bass tonight, make some noise for Nick Lewis everybody. Deep Madness went to a different venue tonight he didn't have anybody to help him we're gonna have a lot of fun here tonight before we get started here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. The The The The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. This ad for Fizz is only 25 seconds long, but we had to pay for 30. Those leftover 5 seconds shouldn't just disappear, right?

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Starting point is 00:05:15 Introducing the first ever Mazda CX-70. Our largest two-row SUV. Available as a mild hybrid inline-six turbo or as a plug-in hybrid. Crafted to move every part of you. And if you're just joining us, we're live from Evan's living room. It looks like Evan is about to purchase tickets to today's match. Kate, the real test is,

Starting point is 00:05:37 will he use the BMO Toronto FC cashback master card? Well, if he wants to earn cash back on his purchases, he will and- Oh, hang on. He's at the computer with his card and he's done it. Oh, clicky click, magic trick. The clicker around the room. You guys just about finished?

Starting point is 00:05:52 Sorry, we got excited. Thanks for snagging those tickets. Make every purchase highlight worthy with the BMO Toronto FC Cashback Mastercard. You guys ready to start tonight's show? Ladies and gentlemen, one of the funniest guests in the history of the show, his brand new special is out now! Rose Gold on YouTube, one of the funniest people we've ever had on. We're gonna have so much fucking fun tonight. Make some noise for the great and powerful Daniel Van Kirk, ladies and gentlemen. Here we go! Daniel Van Kirk.

Starting point is 00:06:28 One of the rising stars of the world. Works with the Sklar Brothers, Roy Scovel. You got it. He's back, the ghost of Brody. Yes. Daniel, welcome back. Osset of energy, yes, arms crossed, kicked out. Welcome back, Daniel. Daniel, welcome back to the energy. Yes. Arms crossed. Kicked out. Welcome back, Daniel.

Starting point is 00:06:48 We're going to we're going to have a lot of fun tonight. You've been on this show before pre pandemic way back in the day. Back in the day. And we're going to have a lot of fun tonight. We've had a lot of these three person panels and a lot of chaos lately. I like it. We're getting back to our basics tonight. Who knows? There is one empty seat. Something crazy could happen possibly, but something crazy is gonna happen anyway because we're here at

Starting point is 00:07:12 Killtoni. Daniel, you may remember over 200, used to be 100 last time you did it, but now over 200 human beings sign up for the opportunity, the chance to get on the show. If I pull- Do we still get to stab them? Yeah. Fuck yeah, dude. Yes. If I pull their name out, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted.

Starting point is 00:07:35 You know their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the anger of a solid. And that cuts them off. And then I interview them. We find out more about them altogether, about more about their lives, what they could possibly talk about,

Starting point is 00:07:48 where their lives are at, where their lives are going. All of a sudden they go from being a comedian to a guest on a podcast that fast, right in front of our very eyes. I'm pre-pulling a name out of this bucket. They will get wrangled from across the street at a bar. Four choices here on 6th Street and that's the name of the bar. It's also the

Starting point is 00:08:11 name of the people, the thing that people that go to that bar do. And while that person's getting wrangled I'm gonna bring up one of our esteemed regulars, one of the funniest young bucks in all of comedy, a polarizing figure, ladies and gentlemen. Very, very fun. He's in a tight space for what he is used to tonight. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for one of the top young rising stars in all of stand-up comedy. This is Kil Tony's very own Casey Rocket. I'm sorry if I seem a little off tonight.

Starting point is 00:08:58 I'm starving. The only thing I've had to eat today is a poached egg and three of those little plastic babies they put at the center of Mardi Gras cakes. So I'm a lot easier going down there, coming out. Right, fellas? You know what I mean? Been pissing babies. It's just tough for on the holidays. I, yeah, speaking, it's funny you bring that up.

Starting point is 00:09:16 I, I've been, it's been a stressful night. I'm exhausted. I stayed up all night watching Manser's reruns on Spike TV again, so... Remember that show? Can boobs eat fettuccine, Alfredo? Tragic. Crowd surf. Watch out.

Starting point is 00:09:33 It's just tough. It's tough to think about. God, politics are so hard this time of year, around Christmas. I, uh... Am I the only guy who sees one of these Trump hats and you start thinking, all right, I kissed my best friend Barry Carter when I was six years old while I was playing Truth or Dare, and it left me really sexually confused

Starting point is 00:09:51 until my early 20s, even though I knew I wasn't attracted to men. You know what I mean? This border situation is crazy. It's just... All right, I'm KC Rocket. Thank you. KC Rocket, you're a wild, wild boy. He's done it again.

Starting point is 00:10:08 Three plastic babies in his belly right now. So cool. I don't know if this has ever been said before, but I've never seen Carrot Top without the props. Well... Oh, don't, don't! We got news for ya. He's always got a little something up his sleeve

Starting point is 00:10:29 or in his pocket. What do we got tonight, Casey? Anything? You can piss shirt deck. Come on now. Get real. You're like a fire hose they let go of. That is a great description of Casey Rocket. I've also wondered what happened to

Starting point is 00:10:47 all the background actors from Friday Night Lights. Now I know. This is one of the young bucks areas. You did great. Oh thank you. Yeah good laughs. Yeah that was good. Big fun. Monday night. A Mansers reference. I haven't heard the word Mansers in probably what a decade and a half or so. Yeah it struck me right before I came up Mansers. What a funny show. Yeah it was all can boobs eat blank. It's like can boobs float in Iraq? And you're like why I what? Why Iraq? Yeah but I would stay I would watch the commercials to find out. I was always curious. What's some of the stuff that you watched when you were, how old are you Casey?

Starting point is 00:11:29 I can never tell. You have the wisdom of a 300 year old samurai legend, but oh. Sorry, I'm getting a phone call. Can I take it? Yeah, take it. Law offices of Tarlo and Tarlo. Uh-huh.

Starting point is 00:11:48 Okay. Okay, yeah. Oh, yeah, cool. Well, she deserves it, man. Caitlin Clark just got picked with the number one pick in the WNBA draft. Wow. I know.

Starting point is 00:12:07 Wow. Love that. That's awesome. Hell yeah. She earned it. She did. She did earn it. Yeah, I had a great season.

Starting point is 00:12:16 How long you been with Tarler and Tarler? Oh, Tarlo. Law officers of Tarlo and Tar... I moonlight as a receptionist in Tarlo and Tarlo. Ah, I should have told you guys this. Yeah, I was supposed to be working tonight and I said... I think you still are. I kind of am in some ways.

Starting point is 00:12:36 Someone called the law offices of Tarler and Tarler and they just to tell them, whoever the receptionist may be, that Caitlin Clark got picked number one in the WNBA draft. They just to tell them though, whoever the receptionist may be that Caitlin Clark got picked number one in the WNBA draft That's kind of exciting yeah, I don't get a lot of calls like that What are a lot of work what are the hello? Oh, oh. Daniel Van Kirk and Associates. Some bitch got pig second, dude. Oh shit, the draft seems to be moving along.

Starting point is 00:13:11 Yeah, they didn't say who, they just said somebody got pig second. That's all I know. A lot of people, while they're here, you know, their phones are locked up. It's a tight run ship. And a lot of you might be wondering what's happening with the WNBA draft.

Starting point is 00:13:26 The good news is we're here to update you throughout the evening. This is going to be a continuous thing. Red Band has the board up. He actually has a lot of women's faces circled. I think he's doing a fantasy draft of some kind. Yes, a leopard has something to do with this, believe it or not, of all things.

Starting point is 00:13:46 Casey, what else is going on in your wacky world? That's a big one. It's Tarlo or bust for me. So it's been 50, 60 hours a week and it's hard to keep up with, God, life's been crazy around the holidays. So it's been cool to, I see it, I don't see it as work. And I don't see this as work, like you said.

Starting point is 00:14:05 I mean, this is so... Have you met any of the Tarlers? I've never heard that last name before. Is it Tarler or Tarlo? Tarlo. Oh, God forbid. Yeah, it's Arlo Tarlo and Scarlo Bama. Oh, my God. That is...

Starting point is 00:14:16 What are the odds of that? Yeah. Oh, yeah, just one of those freak accidents. It could have happened to anybody. It was, uh... Yeah, it's Carlo Carlo and Starlo Garland, and they're two of the most prestigious personal injury lawyers in Fort Lauderdale.

Starting point is 00:14:29 So I got hooked up with them a couple months back, and it's pro bono right now, so I'm doing it free. But, uh, I think I'll end up paying off in dividends. Casey, I'm gonna... I mean, this was sincerity. You would be the greatest first date I've ever had. Ha ha ha. Play your cards right out of the sweetie. Oh, hey.

Starting point is 00:14:51 I'm dealing, partner. I'm dealing. Where would you take him, Daniel? Where would you take Casey on a first date? Obviously Cheesecake Factory. Oh, yeah. 100%. I want to see this man eat brown bread before I make any decisions about life.

Starting point is 00:15:06 Oh, yeah. Where would you want to go on our first date? Where would you want to go? Come on, we're just a couple of confused former 6-year-olds. Where would you want to go? Oh, God. You can't say chilies. Knoxberry Farms, I guess?

Starting point is 00:15:21 Ooh, you want to go to Knoxberry, dude? Yeah, that'd be fun. What is this, the final four episodes of The Bachelor? We're flying out to Knox? Yeah, that would be cool. Yeah, Dracula's Castler. Nope. I think I got scared saying Dracula and then it transferred to the castle part too.

Starting point is 00:15:41 Dracula's Castler is another one of the best law firms out there. Casey, we absolutely love you. You did it again. You got the show started. Silly, fun, likeable, beautiful, beautiful boy. Casey Rocket has us started. And now we go to the bucket. A lot of you guys know how this works. Could be a future legend. Could be an insane person that signed up for this for no reason, with no preparation whatsoever. Anything can happen.

Starting point is 00:16:12 60 seconds uninterrupted. From Joseph Kirkimie, ladies and gentlemen. Joseph Kirkimie, here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go.

Starting point is 00:16:23 Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. What's up, everyone? I'm half Middle Eastern, half white. Just thought I'd solve the mystery for everyone. I know it's a little bit confusing when I walk up here, look a little bit ambiguous. I get Mexican Jew a lot, which I know in Texas is a scary combination. I actually do stage magic. So if you guys want to see a trick,

Starting point is 00:16:48 no, okay, I'm gonna do it anyways. All right. Jewish, Hispanic. I mean, on stage, that trick's whatever, but at the bank, that trick, it works. Your loan's been denied approved. My girl, me, been together for a little bit. My favorite thing about her, she does OnlyFans. Yeah, it's cool,

Starting point is 00:17:21 because anyone can subscribe to their profile and pay them to do a custom video. Anyone can do that. And I don't have enough time to finish this joke, so I guess now you know my girlfriend is an OnlyFans. That's it. Go ahead, finish it, Joseph. I was gonna say, so she came up to me a couple weeks back.

Starting point is 00:17:39 She was like, this guy subscribed to my profile and he paid me to make a video where I suck your dick and make you a sandwich. And he was really specific about the ingredients. It's like, that's wild, but I really want that roast beef sandwich on rye. That would be... that would be... All right, thanks, everyone. Joseph Kirkimie.

Starting point is 00:18:04 Okay. Hi,imi. Okay. Hi Joseph, how are you? I'm good. This just in, Jamaraquai Jenkins picked third in the WNBA draft. Oh! Just a heads up before we get to our new friend Joseph. That's breaking news.

Starting point is 00:18:18 Jamaraquai Jenkins, I do believe one of John's cousins, picked third. So we'll be getting updates throughout the evening here in the WNBA draft. Joseph Kirkimi, welcome to the show. How long have you been doing standup comedy? About three years. Three years, where at?

Starting point is 00:18:35 Mostly Tampa. Tampa, Florida, that's where you live. That's where I used to live. I moved here recently. Okay, how recent did you move to Austin? Like two weeks ago. Nice, how do you like it? I like it yeah no it's cool a lot of comics a lot of cool people. Definitely it's all going on out here. How do you make a living? I'm a

Starting point is 00:18:52 software engineer. Oof all right. Well right now an unemployed software engineer. Sure all right I'm sure that'll work out for you. I hope so. Daniel Van Kirk what do you think about this young buck? I thought you did good you sort of you double tap the identity joke like you kind of you get a laugh out of it And then you go for the profile I'd probably move that up in front just a little bit like I would come out this like I know you guys trying to figure Out who I am like if you look at me straight out on this But you look at me like this I'm this like boom like get to it right away

Starting point is 00:19:18 I agree and then also if you set up another plant and your only fans like two things I love with my girlfriend She makes great sandwiches and does OnlyFans. And then you go later and you say what the person's requested, that's gonna be the callback hit for the audience as to what you, what the joke was. Cause otherwise you had to like string back at that. Daniel Van Kirk making Joseph Kirk, give me 400% funnier in 20 seconds.

Starting point is 00:19:43 Absolutely. Only cause I care. Only because I care. Yeah, no, I appreciate it. That's good feedback. And I don't know if you're gonna stab me or give me a loan. No.

Starting point is 00:19:50 So I don't. Look at that, loan stab. There's a stab, there's a loan. You never know. Loan stab, what a great steakhouse. You fucking gem. You fucking beautiful gem. So Joseph, what's the other half Middle Eastern?

Starting point is 00:20:05 Assyrian. Oh. Oh my, Assyrian. Like a possum. Yeah. Just kind of sneak it in. I might use that now. I made it, yeah. Take it.

Starting point is 00:20:18 We're gonna write a whole different, a whole different set for you. Yeah. Like after you do the profile joke, you're like, fuck you all, I'm John Turturro's kid. Like, do for you. Yeah. Like after you do the profile joke, you're like fuck you all, I'm John Turturro's kid. Like do that joke. Yeah. I'm Andy Sandberg after an airbag hits him in the face.

Starting point is 00:20:31 Yeah, see? See that big loud laugh? I'm the guy that taught Patrick Swayze to move a penny. Go with that joke. Thank you. Good reference, good reference. Great reference. Anybody?

Starting point is 00:20:43 Go watch Ghost, you fucking heathens. Yeah. Yeah, you're that guy. I get Jon Titoro a lot, yeah. Yeah, for sure. Anyone with a big nose, I get. That's basically. Yeah, Gonzo.

Starting point is 00:20:55 Yeah. I've got that, yeah. I love it. I love it. So what do you do for fun, Joseph? I like to, well, a lot of things. Video games, take ADHD medication, play video games. That's always fun.

Starting point is 00:21:09 Okay. You're talking about Adderall? Yeah, that one's good, yeah. Yeah, you stay awake and you play video games. Good time, yeah. How many mils you up to? What are you rocking right now? Dude, if you're less than 40, you're a bitch. No.

Starting point is 00:21:22 Yeah, dude. Yeah. I want you coast less than 40, you're a bitch. No. Yeah, dude. Yeah. I want you coasting all day, motherfucker. Make me eggs at noon and midnight, dude. Not fun till your heart starts palpating. It's not fun till your heart starts palpating. That's what I say about video games. Abs-fucking-lutely.

Starting point is 00:21:39 Is the girlfriend real? Yeah, she's real. And she's really on OnlyFans? No, it's like half a truth. I did use to kind of date she's really on OnlyFans? No, it's like half a truth. I did use to kind of date a girl who did OnlyFans. I didn't subscribe to her page, but I did offer to run it. Hell yeah.

Starting point is 00:21:53 And I thought it would be funny. Like, I'd be like, oh, there's comedic material in here, and that's the only joke I really got out of it. Besides that, it was really sad. It was pretty sad, actually. Like how you ran it or her performance? Both? Just all of the above, I guess, yeah.

Starting point is 00:22:11 We can help her, too. We're going to give her some punch-up and make her OnlyFans a lot better. What did she specialize in on the OnlyFans? This girl that you used to put your little Assyrian dipstick into? Psst. Um, I mean, I don't know if she had like a specific fetish. You never asked her what she does on her OnlyFans?

Starting point is 00:22:32 Well, no, I knew what she did. I ran the page for a bit. If I may, you are a horrible manager. You just took off her clothes. That was the fetish. I don't know, getting naked. Took off her clothes. Little feet stuff, I don't know.

Starting point is 00:22:44 Ooh, feet stuff you don't know? But like, it wasn't like heavy foot stuff, you know. It was light foot stuff. Whatever that is. Hold on. Talk slower. Ha ha ha. So she took her shoes off. She had little tiny feet?

Starting point is 00:22:59 No, not that tiny. Just regular. They weren't like deformed tiny miniature feet? No, they were pretty average feet, I don't know. Okay, Red Band, did you have- What's her name on Only Fair? That's not, there you go. Red Band. All right, Joseph, you are an interesting person.

Starting point is 00:23:22 You are half Jewish, is that correct? No. Or is that just a joke about your nose? Yeah, it's just about my nose, yeah. I'm an Assyrian, so like we, Christ came along, we said we'd rather do that than, like we were Jews before. Right, and then the Christians are like, we're gonna fucking kill you.

Starting point is 00:23:38 Yeah, and they're like, we can eat pork. And I guess my ancestors were like, cool, let's do that. Fuck yeah. Are any of your parents still strict about the religion and everything? No, no, not really. I mean, like they go to church every once in a while, but like the holidays and shit. So you do stand up, you work in software, but you're unemployed. What about the wild side of Joseph Kirkimie?

Starting point is 00:24:00 Give me something crazy that you do when you're not at or all out playing video games. Jesus fucking Christ. Whoa. Whoa. Go ahead. Wild side of Joe's side. I don't know if I the wildest thing you've ever done in your entire fucking life, Joseph, let me make it easier for you. The wildest thing I ever did in my life. Could be anything at all.

Starting point is 00:24:20 Maybe maybe you went snowboarding down a black diamond level hill or something like that. It could be fucking anything. You're from Tampa, dude. You've definitely been shot at. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:24:32 I mean, I don't know if that's the wildest though. Being shot, well, no one shot at me, but it's been the vicinity. You've been brandished. Brandished. We're trying to help you here come up with something. You have your entire life to reference. The wildest thing that I can think of right now, and I guess this is, I don't know why We're trying to help you here come up with something. You have your entire life to reference. The wildest thing that I can think of right now,

Starting point is 00:24:47 and I guess this is, I don't know why I'm saying this on this show. Perfect. That's the correct answer, whatever that is. Go right ahead. And here we go. Who's ready for the answer of the question of two minutes ago? Here he is, live on a podcast with the answer we've all been waiting for the wildest reference of his life. The lights come down. This is Joseph Karkemi. All that all that build up this is gonna be disappointing shit. Oh wow here is still setting it up ladies and gentlemen having no idea how an

Starting point is 00:25:19 interview works. Alright here we are loading it up. Final answer, Joseph Karkemi's wildest moment of his entire life. I had a Molly fueled foursome in Las Vegas with two Latina women. Okay there you go that's not disappointing at all. You're right. How would anyone get comedy out of that? Right. Foursome with three Latino women. Two and a white girl, yeah. Two and a white. I don't know why I included their Latina. I felt like that was added to it.

Starting point is 00:25:51 We just got word. Those two Latino women and the white were the last three picks in the WNBA draft. So you're doing something right out there. Oh, there goes one right now to accept the new... There you go. Welcome to the team. That's the newest WNBA player right there. There goes Jamarraquai Jenkins to put on a jersey. It's absolutely incredible.

Starting point is 00:26:14 This is a star-studded audience, ladies and gentlemen. I've never seen a WNBA player with a full goatee, but that was incredible. You never know what's gonna happen here. So tell us about this foursome. I mean, you seem like you would be overwhelmed with one. Let's just jump right into it. Vegas is crazy.

Starting point is 00:26:34 Yeah, I don't know, Molly's a hell of a drug, I guess. I may see things as normal. What kind of feet these girls got? That's a... Yeah. The Latino women had small... Six feet. Yeah. We're talking about, that's six feet. Yeah, it's like size five women's. So let's talk about how you would get into something like this.

Starting point is 00:26:51 Was it planned? No. Did you know these women beforehand? No. How about you take us through the evening instead of Detective Van Kirk over here doing his work for Tarler and Tarler Law Associates. Just take us, how does it start?

Starting point is 00:27:04 Give me a second, I can break them. Um. Let this poor Jewish, uh, I mean Latino man, okay. Barton Fink. Yeah, I guess the evening was, we went to an EDM concert, you know, like you do when you're on Mali.

Starting point is 00:27:22 And then we ran into the... Keep going. Oh shit, that's for me, okay. We ran into... Welcome to show business, Joseph Kersaar. Oh shit, I'm on stage. Yeah. What is this?

Starting point is 00:27:36 You guys aren't gonna like this answer, but I once did heroin and slept with nine black men. Pfft. I guess that's the wildest. Good luck. Good luck talking about that. Okay, Joseph, what happens here? Let's just take the Molly out of the equation. You're blaming I can already tell you're blaming everything on the Molly. Where'd you meet the girls? What the fuck happened? Let's go. So we just met him at the well. We met one of the friends at the concert and she wasn't a part of the foursome, but she introduced us to two other women.

Starting point is 00:28:07 And then we said, let's go to strip club. And we were there till like 6 a.m. Uh-oh. Were you doing drugs there? A little bit, yeah. Where were you on there? Just a little. With a nose like that, I don't think you did.

Starting point is 00:28:19 A little of anything. Yeah, yeah. With a nose like that, I think you did it all. Yeah. So yeah, and like just nose things and then. little of anything. I think you did it all. So, yeah, like just knows things and then. All right, Joseph, I'm going to let you off easy. Good job, buddy. You did it. You are the first

Starting point is 00:28:37 bucket full tonight. There he goes. Joseph Kerkimi, brand new to Austin, Texas. Two weeks as a Texan. Have fun, Joseph. There he goes. Hey, y'all. This podcast is sponsored by DraftKings Sportsbook. Look, the playoffs are heating up, which is why now is the perfect time to get on all the

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Starting point is 00:29:41 That's promo code KILTONI only at DraftKings Sportsbook. Hello. Hello. $50 in bonus bets instantly that's promo code kill tony only at DraftKings Sportsbook Hello hello this podcast is sponsored by game time You know we love going to concerts and special events and you know, I went and saw Drake The arena here and of course the great and powerful Roger Waters Here in Austin, Texas game time makes getting tickets for concerts and events faster and easier Even if you don't buy tickets right away prices on the game time app actually go down the closer It gets to show start time with killer last-minute deals all in prices views from your seat in their lowest price guarantee game time Takes the guests work out of buying concert tickets. Err

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Starting point is 00:30:55 and use K I L L T O N Y for an unbelievable deal that is $20 off download game time today last-minute tickets lowest price guaranteed another bucket pull ready to go here we go anything can happen 60 seconds uninterrupted from Maddy G oh make some noise for Heidi everybody Wow thank you Heidi right, here's Maddie. Make some noise for Maddie G, everyone. Here we go.

Starting point is 00:31:26 What's up, guys? We got any immigrants in here? I thought I smelt ya. Yeah, I used to sell guns to get through college. I didn't know that they were buying guns to take to college. Yeah, when you're selling guns, you get really good at it. And you can tell what gun you're going to buy just by what race you are.

Starting point is 00:31:54 12 gauge shotgun. Black people, they like, they don't like any specific gun. They're more about the accessories. Like, they always come up to the gun counter and be like, my man, let me get that one right there with the beam on it. And I was be like, yes sir, right away man, I got you. And then, Asian people, they didn't,

Starting point is 00:32:26 they wanted one specific gun. The Grokka 19. Thank you guys. Wow. Look at the slow wave off after rugged racism. Incredible. Matty G, opening up with an immigrants joke. What ethnicity are you?

Starting point is 00:32:48 I'm American, but Mexican. Yeah, you're Mexican. Don't you think it's kind of weird a Mexican guy coming out going, I thought I smelled you. Because that's like your people. The immigrants are you. Yeah. I can say that. Yeah. Oh yeah, I can say it too.

Starting point is 00:33:04 Look at that. It's wild. Daniel can say it too. Look at that, it's wild. Daniel can say it too and he looks like fucking Hitler's right hand man. I look like you know where I was on January 6th. Cheesecake Factory. The Speaker's Podium. Make way, make way! That's me a lot of the time. I barely recognize you without your bull horns on. Let him speak. Let him speak.

Starting point is 00:33:32 Oh, Maddie, you were just on the show recently, right? Yes, sir. I remember because I found out that you sold guns during that interview portion. And so here we are again. Here you are. And you talked about immigrants selling guns, black people, and then Asian people. Yeah. Yeah. Remind us, how long have you been doing stand-up comedy? I've only been doing it, at least like my 12th mic.

Starting point is 00:33:56 Your 12th mic. So you've been doing it other places. Two of those 12 spots are here? Yes, sir. Right. Okay. Why are you... Why is your work ethic so terrible? Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha.

Starting point is 00:34:11 What kind of Mexican are you? Ha ha ha. Bum, bum, bum. See, he can say it. Yeah, he can say it. I said it. I'm going to be in big trouble. Ha ha ha.

Starting point is 00:34:22 I'm trying to support my family. Do you have a family? By doing mics? Because you are horrible at supporting your family. Not on content, just on getting up. How big of a family do you have? Just me. There you go. A lot to support there.

Starting point is 00:34:38 A lot to support. Matty, what did we not find out about you after your last interview that you think would be interesting? You have had, what do we find out, what do we not find out about you after your last interview that you think would be interesting? You have had, what, a few weeks to think about it? Yeah. Okay.

Starting point is 00:34:51 Oh, am I sleeping a hammock right now? Oh wow, that's fucking nuts. Yeah. I actually once accidentally did that before. I had a low budget and I bought a hammock. When I first moved to California, I was stoned out of my mind. And I'm like, I have $1,000 to spend on a bed.

Starting point is 00:35:06 We went to a fucking, like a, was that like a Costco? There was a hammock for like 80 bucks. I'm like, that'll fucking work. I'm California living out here. I was on the floor that night. It turns out you can only last about an hour and a half max in a fucking hammock before you have the back of a 100 year old man.

Starting point is 00:35:24 So how many nights have you slept in a hammock, you creepazoid? Probably like a year and a half. A year and a half in a hammock. It's nice, you know, I got the sleeping bag. It's not as cold at night anymore. So yeah. So you have a sleeping bag that you get into

Starting point is 00:35:41 inside of the hammock? Yeah. Wow, there is just layers of stupidity happening here. These are the people that get a good night's sleep before selling guns to whoever asks for one. So if you wake up in a hammock inside a sleeping bag and realize there's a fire where you live, you're just letting it go, right?

Starting point is 00:36:00 It's gonna get me eventually, I think. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, no, it's gonna get you right away. You're not getting out. Yeah, you're stuck in a net. Yeah. Can I ask, sorry, if we cover this, indoors though? Yeah. Okay. Upstairs. Yeah. Wait, what? Upstairs. Yeah. Here? No, not here. No. What are you the most generally speaking person in the world? Well, indoors, upstairs. It's an upstairs hammock.

Starting point is 00:36:29 Yeah, upstairs, not the brag you think it is. All right, this is gonna be... No, I know, I just want clarity. Upstairs? Ha ha ha ha. Pint house. Wow. Okay, so you're upstairs. Yeah, it's an above ground hammock. Yeah, I'm upstairs.

Starting point is 00:36:50 Hammock is mounted to the wall. No, I got a hammock stand. Wow. That's yeah, that actually is a pretty cool brag. Again, I've been there. It's not. I was 18 years old. I bought a fucking hammock with a hammock stand. I thought I was a genius. And again, it's unusable. How much pain are you in all the time? A lot. Yeah. Yeah. This is incredible to meet someone else that's fucking made this mistake, but you just stuck with it. Yeah, so like I'm trying to buy a house, so I was like, oh, well, first comes the hammock, then comes the full-grown house.

Starting point is 00:37:32 Two level house you're looking to buy, perhaps? Three, if I'm lucky. Wow. Three stories. Why wouldn't you start with a bed first, though? Like, like... Because I didn't want to move it in and then have to move it out. Right. It's really easy to like so you're gonna pack it up and go movers money no I think you might be putting the cart in front of the horse

Starting point is 00:37:56 here my friend you might want to get a good night's sleep before making such big decisions I've never needed movers. Like, I have a lot of cousins. So they just come over and then we buy the mattress a problem. You know, I never thought of that, actually. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant.

Starting point is 00:38:17 We got Daniel Vankirk here fixing people's sets and their lives one step at a time. Let me ask you this, Matty G. You ever get a lady back to that hammock? You ever trap her in the net? -♪ Now look, if I get in first... -♪ Ha ha ha ha ha! -♪ You're gonna have to come in straddling.

Starting point is 00:38:36 You can't get on then straddle. -♪ Before we go into my bedroom, I gotta ask you, you want to be on top or bottom? Ha ha ha ha. We gotta- Hey, I've had a great time with you tonight. You say you and I go... Ha ha ha ha. Upstairs.

Starting point is 00:38:50 Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. You fuckin' wild card. Ha ha ha. You ever do it? You ever go fuckin' slam-ic on the hammock? Slingshot it? Beautiful.

Starting point is 00:38:58 You ever take a Betty to the netty? Ha ha ha. Yeah, so you gotta like, do it like, there's a special way you gotta do it. Let's do it. You gotta do it. You gotta? Beautiful. You ever take a Betty to the netty? Yeah so you gotta like do it like there's a special way you got to do it. Froggy style? Show us the way show us how you would fuck Daniel Van Kirk on your hammock. Okay. There he is. There he is. He's ready for you. Where do you begin? Oh foot fetish. Foot fetish, look out.

Starting point is 00:39:26 Well, wait a second, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Hold on, let's take this one step at a time, Matty G. You're entering the hammock from an impossible region. No, no, no, no. You just tried to fucking video game us into believing. Yeah, you can't do that, what are you doing? You can't go through, I'm all roped up with the stand, bro! Yeah, the stand is there.

Starting point is 00:39:47 Oh, he's pointing to his brain, everybody, look out. Shit's about to get really interesting. He's like, wait till you find out what daddy's cooking. You're thinking about it wrong. You think that you're laying the length of the hammock, you lay sideways. Sex swing. So you're using a big old fashioned sex swing. Yep.'re using like a big old-fashioned sex swing.

Starting point is 00:40:06 Yep. Well, then get over here. Are we allowed to have full release on this show? I don't know what happened. Make him come, Matty. Make him come. Wait a second. Wait, wait.

Starting point is 00:40:24 So where is the fucking hammock during this? Oh, it's sideways. It's like that. Yeah. Oh, you have him sideways on the hammock. Yeah. He's pretending he's the weirdest guy at the playground. It's like a sex swing almost. Yeah, sex swing. It's like a sex swing. So you have to stand. You can never be laying down while having sex in your hammock. Yeah, that's the downside of it. That's the downside. You know what?

Starting point is 00:40:54 He got a sleeping bag. He's warmer. That's true. So have women spent the night on your hammock? No, they usually leave like pretty soon. Immediately. Like, well, no doubt about it, I gotta go. There's a zero percent chance of staying the night

Starting point is 00:41:12 on a fucking hammock. It's kind of a good idea. Yeah, no shit. If this guy's got a fucking hammock, you think he's cleaned a bathroom mirror in his life? That's such a good point. Is there a lot of stuff on your bathroom counter? I actually don't have a bathroom mirror.

Starting point is 00:41:30 Tell us more. Well, we just renovated it and so I was like, ah, I don't need a mirror. So I just use my phone to shave and stuff like that. Bucking incredible. So is there a shower? Yeah, there's a shower. There's a sink? Yep. is there a shower? Yeah, there's a shower, yeah. There's a sink? Yep.

Starting point is 00:41:47 There's a toilet? Yes, sir. This is all on level two? Yep, level two. Unbelievable. What a life of luxury you're living. Mirrors are expensive. I think you're...

Starting point is 00:41:55 That's why I'm getting the house, yeah. Yeah, of course, of course, of course. I want the mirror. You can get a damn old mirror. What's the point of getting a mirror for? You gotta move it. What's the point of getting a mirror for? You gotta move it. What's the point of getting a mirror for? You gotta move that some bitch.

Starting point is 00:42:08 You gonna be running around town with a goddamn mirror? Fuck that, dude. New place, new mirror, motherfucker. Maddie, an incredible, an incredibly educational performance and another very, very interesting. It's always amazing to see how people are living out here. There he goes, everybody, Matty G.

Starting point is 00:42:31 Wait, Matty, Matty, come back out here. You got a little joke book last time, didn't you? Yeah, give me that back. You don't get two of these fucking things. You don't get two? You don't get two? This motherfucker will be using it as a pillow. God damn it. Your next comedian, this looks like a brand new name. Make some noise for Isaac Kane Brown everybody. Isaac Kane Brown.

Starting point is 00:43:11 So I grew up with a little brother with Asperger's. I don't know if anybody has a family member with the Asperger's here, but growing up with a little brother with the Asperger's is a lot like owning a pit bull. Like they're good with this family, I got to explain a lot of shit before you come over. Like, don't look him in the eyes. No sudden movements. And if he makes you uncomfortable at any point, I'll chain his ass up outside. It's fine. Really, the only bad part is when I take him on walks

Starting point is 00:43:40 and he barks at black people. That's a hard one to explain. And you know, I try to tell him, dude, let bygones be bygones. But he still hates it when those fuckers kiss in public. You know what I'm talking about? Heh. I've been trying this online dating thing out,

Starting point is 00:44:01 so I've been working on pickup lines, and I've been telling women I have a black dick. Not because it's a full dick, because it's like three-fifths of a dick. You know what I'm talking about? That's all I got. Fuck yeah. Isaac Kane Brown. Welcome to the show, Isaac.

Starting point is 00:44:23 How are you? I'm doing good. How about you? I'm doing good, how about you? I'm great, thanks for asking. How long have you been doing standup comedy, Isaac? Barely two years. Barely two years. I love it. Do you also not have a mirror?

Starting point is 00:44:38 It is incredible. You look like Iron Deficiency John Mayer. It is amazing. An incredible look. You look like an opposite version of the show Entourage. Like a guy that spends all his time by himself. Maybe a second floor hammock at best. So where do you live, Isaac?

Starting point is 00:45:00 Here. How long have you lived here? A year now. Where did you move from? Illinois. And what do you do for work? Nothing. How long have you lived here? A year now. Where did you move from? Illinois. And what do you do for work? Nothing. How do you survive?

Starting point is 00:45:09 Technically, I have a sugar mama. Really? How long have you been with her? Three months now. And what does she do? I think she's in like tech or something. You never asked her. The woman that supports you and that you fuck.

Starting point is 00:45:22 Yeah. You never asked her what she does for work? Well, she's married. Oh, this is all very interesting. This interview just took a turn for the good. She's definitely married. Does she have a family? No, well, no kids.

Starting point is 00:45:39 Okay, perfect. And where did you meet this young buck? Ooh, Bumble. Bumble. Yeah. And you did you meet this young buck? Ooh, Bumble. Bumble. And you went on a date or did you go straight to your place? How did it start? Oh, I think somebody hit pause. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:46:00 Well, she just invited me over. Over to her place? Where the husband was at work? He wasn't there. Well, where just, she just invited me over. Over to her place? Yeah. Where the husband was at work? He wasn't there. Well, where's the husband? I don't know. You checked behind the curtains? I bet he was watching.

Starting point is 00:46:11 I don't ask questions. I don't ask questions. Were there like pictures of her and him in the place or anything like that? Oh yeah, it was pretty bad. Like the whole hallway was lined with them. With pictures of them together? Yeah, their family all together, the wedding photos, everything. The vacation to Jamaica. Yeah. Oh yeah, it was pretty bad. Like the whole hallway was lined with them. With pictures of them together? Yeah, their family all together,

Starting point is 00:46:26 the wedding photos, everything. The vacation to Jamaica. Okay, and she took you straight to her bedroom where he sleeps at night. Yes. And you made love to her. Yes. And what is the first thing that you did exactly

Starting point is 00:46:39 when you did that? Well, like after I come or before I come? Before you come. As soon as you walk into the bedroom, what do you do? You take off your shoes or were your shoes off at the door because she's running? Well first I looked at the pictures and went that's weird and I was like that's probably just like a fun collage or something. Right. And then I fucked and I came and I was like well this is probably pretty bad and I shouldn't be doing this. And then she's like you want some money? Yep. Well, I just...

Starting point is 00:47:05 She just kind of sends the money over cash app. What's your rate? What you getting? Great, great. Great question. I appreciate that that was funny. I'm genuinely curious. Wait, wait. Do you mean like overall how much money I've gotten or how much money I get each time? Each time. Yeah, I mean this, you know...

Starting point is 00:47:21 We're not doing real world's world rules challenge where we've added up. This isn't squid game where you got a bank going. I want to know what you're getting like a week or a month. Two to 300. A week? Just when I ask. You should ask Mark.

Starting point is 00:47:37 I do. Two to 300 bucks, you're like, hey, hook me up. Can I, how does this, God, I'm so confused. Also back to your standup really quick. I think it was racist, but it really confused me at the same time. So I don't know. Okay so.

Starting point is 00:47:51 Well let's stick away from the standup, let's stick with this. No I know, but I had to get that out because I didn't know if I was dumb or not. Has she ever offered to iron your t-shirts for you? No, not at all. No you don't say. Yep, we can tell.

Starting point is 00:48:03 So. Go fuck yourself dude. Wait, we can tell. So, uh. Go fuck yourself, dude. Wait, who are you talking to? You. You're telling me to go fuck myself because you have a wrinkly shirt? Yeah.

Starting point is 00:48:13 Wow, Isaac. You're gonna be a wild success in this business with thick skin like yours. Go fuck yourself. Yo, fuck yourself. How dare you say my wrinkled shirt is wrinkled? Dude. You're killing it, Isaac.

Starting point is 00:48:28 I love it. Let's find out more about you before you fuck this up even more. You have any special skills or talents or anything like that? You good at anything? No, not at all. No, not at all.

Starting point is 00:48:39 No. What do you do for fun? Okay, tell us how you're a piece of shit. Well, I'm fucking married women. That's probably like number one. Other than that, we already know that about you do for fun? Okay, tell us how you're a piece of shit. Well, I'm fucking married women. That's probably like number one. Other than that, we already know that about you. Anything else? Unemployed veteran.

Starting point is 00:48:51 That's kind of a... Oh, you're a veteran. Okay, what branch were you in? Marine Corps. Okay, and did you serve overseas? I did. Okay, tell us about that. Anything interesting happen over there?

Starting point is 00:49:02 What do you mean interesting? You're asking if I killed people or something? That would be interesting. Whoa man. Can I go back to interrogating? Sure. Yeah. Daniel Van Kirk. How long did you serve? Four years. Okay where were you deployed? Iraq would be the most notable. Now when Tony asked you what you did over there, your first thought was killing people. Does that mean? It's the same question everybody asks every single time. They ask you that a lot?

Starting point is 00:49:30 Yes, a shit done. Do you, why do you think people ask you that? I don't know, movies and shit. Movies and shit. You like movies? No. It's a lot of anger. You have a lot of anger.

Starting point is 00:49:41 I'm really close. I'm really close. Okay. Do you think you'll keep seeing this woman that gives you two to three hundred dollars occasionally? Eh, for a little bit. Do you like her? No.

Starting point is 00:49:55 I think what we all want to know is... You planning on killing her? I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie.

Starting point is 00:50:07 I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie.

Starting point is 00:50:15 I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie.

Starting point is 00:50:23 I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not. Yeah. I saw the, I saw the, he killed people. Yeah. I saw it in his eyes on the wrinkled shirt line. Did you know I used to use to wear like this? I don't know if anybody noticed, you're a fucking piece of shit. I know. You smell kooky dokey.

Starting point is 00:50:44 Hey, hey, hey, don't make fun of a man's uniform, okay? I already noticed, you're a fucking piece of shit. I know. You smell cokey dokey. Hey, hey, hey, don't make fun of a man's uniform, okay? All right, ladies and gentlemen, we're gonna get one of our esteemed regulars up here. One of the greatest to ever do it on this show. This is a brand new minute from Cam Patterson, ladies and gentlemen. -♪ -♪

Starting point is 00:51:13 Shut up, bitch. Been talking all night. Shut the fuck up, bitch. Now I'm playing I love you right later. Oh. I'm not having a good time. I'm pretty mad about life right now. I've been talking to the girl for a couple months and she been pretty cool,

Starting point is 00:51:29 but a couple days ago Drake followed her on Instagram. Yeah, you feel me, nigga. And I don't know what to do now, dawg. Cause it's like, I lost. I've already lost the game. Like bitch, that's Drake. You feel me? Like even if it do come down to it

Starting point is 00:51:44 and she pick me over Drake, that bitch don't make good decisions. My own mama would pick Drake over me. That's crazy. My homeboy tried to tell me, like, you gotta understand something, bro. Like, you getting better in life, you getting bigger, more people know who you is.

Starting point is 00:52:00 Now, it's kind of like Drake is like the Avengers, but you like the Guardians of the Galaxy. Let me explain something to y'all. The Avengers have, like, real superheroes on their team, like the Hulk, like Thor, like Spider-Man. Them real superheroes, dog. The Guardians of the Galaxy has a raccoon, a fucking tree, and a regular guy with gumption.

Starting point is 00:52:21 Nigga, that's crazy. Thank y''s so good. Wow. Absolutely incredible. Did it again. Cam Patterson. Very funny. Very funny. Unbelievable.

Starting point is 00:52:31 Sleeps not on a hammock. Hell nah. Has a mirror. Hell yeah. Everything is lined up. Oh, wait a minute. Oh. This just in.

Starting point is 00:52:39 Mark Cushion, you know, he's a good guy. He's a good guy. He's a good guy. He's a good guy. He's a good guy. He's a good guy. He's a good guy. He's a good guy. He's a good guy. He's a good guy. Hell nah, hell nah. Has a mirror. Hell yeah. Everything is lined up. Oh wait a minute.

Starting point is 00:52:48 This just in. Marqueesha Davis just went number 11 in the internet. Marqueesha Davis, congratulations. I do believe she's in the audience. She's right over there. Hey real shit, that's a real name nigga. She really just went number 11, dawg. Marqueesha? I swear to God. Well, well wait, we're getting word Drake just followed her on Instagram

Starting point is 00:53:14 You know who's gonna love this set Drake He watches every week, you know, we followed on Instagram kill Tony and he messaged the account He and all that he said was Casey Rocket equals, and then he did a goat emoji. Come on now. A little fun fact. Drake watches every week with his entourage. Stop following my bitches, nigga.

Starting point is 00:53:38 Oh my goodness gracious. Just when you thought Drake couldn't have beef with more young, talented black artists, Cam Patterson. Leave my hoes alone! You would think he has enough, but he just can't get enough. He's going for your hoes. Yeah, why my hoes, huh? He's going for your bitches. That's a compliment.

Starting point is 00:54:03 That's a compliment. Yes, it is. Janis just texted. Huh? That's a compliment. Yes it is. Janice just texted me and said Drake's following her also. Uh oh. Look at that. Our ladies. Wow.

Starting point is 00:54:13 Red band's drunk. Breaking news, Red band's drunk. If Drake followed Janice, this just in, Drake is drunk as well. I love it. So Cam, what else is going on in this beautiful world? Nothing man, just running around doing shows, trying to get better, you know what I'm saying? Daniel Van Kirk, is this your first time seeing the Young Bucks Sam, Sam, Sam, Sam, Sam, Sam Patterson everybody.

Starting point is 00:54:44 Everybody loves Sam Patterson. Yeah, Sam, Sam Patterson, everybody. Everybody loves Sam Patterson. Yeah, that was phenomenal. Yeah, the energy coming out. I always I always say to people you're already past this, but I always see people are starting out and you do this super well. Play to the room that you're in rather than the room, the show you thought you were going to have. And from the second you came out, you played to this room. Oh yeah.

Starting point is 00:55:04 And that dictated the energy of your set and where you want, I mean, you still hit all your fucking marks. I love these white people, man. These my white people, you know what I'm saying? They are. Yeah, yeah. What about the blonde black lesbian there in the middle of the room? That my dog, he a good nigga, he a good dude. You know what I'm saying?

Starting point is 00:55:21 All right. You a dude though, right? You a nigga. That's a dude.. You a dude, though, right? You a nigger? That's a dude. That's a dude. Why he look surprised when you don't see me, nigger? We just got word he got drafted to the actual NBA draft. OK, I fucked up. He is beautiful. This dude has like some Prince energy.

Starting point is 00:55:37 It really is. Yeah. Did you sign up by any chance? I mean that. You have a minute? Did you sign up for the show? Do you have a minute prepared? You want me to come on? Did you sign up for the show? Do you have a minute prepared? Do you have a minute?

Starting point is 00:55:45 We got it. Let them do a minute. Should we bring them up here? Come on up, buddy. Get his ass up here. Come on. Let's go. Oh, you were told not to by the... Look at this.

Starting point is 00:55:59 Come on. Get up here. I never meant to cause you any trouble. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Never meant to cause you any pain. Ha ha ha ha. I only wanna see you in the purple rain. Purple rain, purple rain.

Starting point is 00:56:21 Come on, motherfucker. Purple rain, purple rain. Come on, motherfucker. Come on. Purple rain. Purple rain. All right, all right, all right, all right. You're beautiful. You're advancing for me that we might get YouTube copyright strike because it sounds like purple rain. Hello, my friend, welcome to the show. How about a hand for this guy, Fearless?

Starting point is 00:56:43 What's your name? I'm John. Most of my friends call me John-o. John? I like your style. What do you do? What club do you promote for, John? Can you tell us where the hot bitches will be tonight? They're right over there. I love it. I love it. I love it, absolutely. Two fives make a ten. I love it. I love it. That too, right over there. They're right there.

Starting point is 00:57:05 I love it, absolutely. Two fives make a ten. We love it. Definitely. Absolutely. How many music videos have you shot on an escalator? How many? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha You're intimidating me fucking cool. Let's make this more interesting. I'm not American, so I don't do it. Where are you from?

Starting point is 00:57:26 Trinidad and Tobago. Trinidad and Tobago. That's come up two weeks in a row. A red and white flag, am I correct? Yes, sir. Absolutely. Represent. Trinidad and Tobago.

Starting point is 00:57:37 A little TNT. TNT. Yes, Trini, man. Trini, as you all like to call them, Island Boys. Right. No, not all of us like that at all. Thank you. Thank you.

Starting point is 00:57:48 Some of us meet humans in this world and go, can I hit delete on this? Yes, yes, yes. Decent humanity. So let me ask you, John, what brought you to Austin, Texas? You want the real answer? I want both answers. I want the real answer and the answer you were going to lie.

Starting point is 00:58:06 Alright, first of all, I didn't even know Austin was a real place. Well, that's good. 85% of the people in the room have never heard of Trinidad in Tobago. So we are even Stevens there, my friend. 95% of the room didn't know black guys could have blonde hair. So this is incredible what's happening here. We're all learning about each other all at the same time. The show is live. Everything is improvised. We had no idea we were gonna call you up tonight.

Starting point is 00:58:32 That is the treat of being a blonde black man in Austin, Texas. We're like, what's that? Get up here! What the fuck? Come on, buddy! We wanna learn more about you. It just looks like his life is filled with women saying, you promise you're going to call? Oh.

Starting point is 00:58:51 Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Mine is filled with women going, I guess. I love your style. I appreciate it. I appreciate it. So, how did you say? I didn't get an answer.

Starting point is 00:59:04 How did you end up? Oh, I didn't get an answer. How did you end up? I moved here from my ex. Okay. No, no, it's no ooh, it's no ooh, it's all good. Everything is good. Like I love Austin, it's a beautiful city. I broke up with her.

Starting point is 00:59:16 I just want to make that clear. Yeah, we know. I was the one that broke up with her. You saw one night of pastel rompers and you were like, done. Bye, goodbye. But you're still here in Austin. I'm still here in Austin.

Starting point is 00:59:31 And what have you been doing for fun? Tell us about it. For fun? Or for work, either one. I'm just guessing you have more fun than do work. Just guessing. Well, I'd like to say that my motto is work hard, play hard. So I like to say I work equally as hard as I play.

Starting point is 00:59:48 What do you do for work? I'm scared, I'm afraid to say, because one guy said it already and he got roasted. Software. Yeah. Really? Yeah. You really do software? Yeah.

Starting point is 01:00:00 No fucking way. I'm so serious. I never would have guessed that by the... Can you imagine? I never... And here we go. Bring it on, bring it on. Let's go. It's too late now.

Starting point is 01:00:08 I was going to say I never would have guessed that by the color of your hair. Would have gotten a much bigger laugh 20 seconds ago. Honestly, to be real with you, I'd like to let you know that the hair lady fucked up. This is not what I wanted. You see, they got like five different colors going on inside of the shit. Oh yeah. It's not what I asked for, but hey, I still rock it because I am me. Absolutely.

Starting point is 01:00:26 Yeah. Absolutely. It's what's on the inside that counts and the size of your massive cock. So you're working software. Are you based out of Austin now? Yes, I'm based out of Austin now. Yes. OK. And tell us, tell us the truth.

Starting point is 01:00:41 How many have how many beautiful white girls have you corrupted since you've been here? Today, just today. My guess is two today. Is it a higher or lower than two? Today? Yeah, Draft Kings, Draft Kings has the over under at two white bitches, it says. That is the over under for white bitches for John, which is definitely a shortened version of a longer name.

Starting point is 01:01:16 Today. Jonathan, if you will. Sure. I guess if I'm being real, probably three today. Three today? Look at that. Who would have taken the over? Come on.

Starting point is 01:01:31 That is incredible. Red Vans trying to shoehorn the Harlem Globetrotters theme song into this. That's what we think you are. We think you're the Globetrotter of white pussy. This is a guy that makes it look easy, spins it around on your fingertip like that. You got there. You got there. Honestly, that's going to be my Insta handle now.

Starting point is 01:02:01 I love that. Repeat it again? White pussy Globetrotter. White pussy Globetrotter. White pussy globe trotter. We just got word Drake just followed you on Instagram. Yeah! So good. I'm just still picturing you

Starting point is 01:02:14 and your software engineer coworkers out to lunch and how confusing that must be for every Chipotle employee. How stupid. These three dudes hanging out with this fucking Playgirl model. Honestly dude, you're so right. Honestly, I mute myself at work. You do? I mute myself at work.

Starting point is 01:02:36 How do you tone it down? Well, I go up to them and I'm like, Hi Jerry, pleasure to meet you. And Jerry's like, can I suck your fucking cock? This is Jerry. This is Jerry. How's it going, John? How's it going? I have a wife, but I'll do things. Oh, John? Come here, John.

Starting point is 01:02:59 Let's hang more. Oh, we punch lower and we're in business. John, you want to come back to my second floor hammock? Let's hang more. Oh, we punch lower and we're in business. Ah! John, you want to come back to my second floor hammock? I'd just like to say, bro, if you're living in a hammock for over a year and a half, you need to do better. Just hang. I have no idea what you just said. Crap.

Starting point is 01:03:24 It was one of the best prayers I've ever heard in my life. Wow. Sorry, I'm not familiar with being on stage. I don't even know how to talk in a mic, though. No, you're doing great. So far, best fucking interview of the night. So, it's incredible what we've had to do. Uh, uh, putting a ribbon on this thing, though. Do you have any special maneuvers in the bedroom? Because I have a feeling that you can create a lot of very

Starting point is 01:03:47 slippery situations. I get the feeling that you've made gushers out of some real stiff software broads before. No comment. No comment? John, that's not how it works here. No, you're right, you're right, you're right, you're right. You're right, you're right.

Starting point is 01:04:08 I don't want you coming off to me right now. You're right, you're so right. Got him, Sarge. Give us one little trick that you like to do in the bedroom. Is there a position or something or an angle or a move that you've kind of... All right, this is going to sound a little weird. No, it's great. I doubt that.

Starting point is 01:04:23 That's always... Anytime anybody says that, that's when we're about to get what I call the shit. Here we go. Honestly, it's not even the shit. Being real, I just appreciate the female body. I really do. Yes.

Starting point is 01:04:34 I really do. The curves, the accentures, all that stuff is good. So I... Do you really want me to go into deep? Yes. Oh, this is gonna be so good. It's not even that good, dawg. I've been doing this show for 11 years.

Starting point is 01:04:47 I know when a fucking epic answer's about to happen. He just said, are you sure you want me to do it? Like, yes. It really isn't anything crazy. Just teach us the Trinidad and the Tobago. I just... I just... So you got a beautiful, voluptuous white bitch on your bed. You're appreciating her.

Starting point is 01:05:14 I mean, like, it's not even anything crazy, bro. I mean, I just like to put you in a position, multiple positions, probably lift you up, put you up against the wall. Oh, yeah. We might go to the kitchen. Might what? We might go to the kitchen. Oh my God, and they're gonna make you a sandwich. I might have her make me a sandwich, her, not me.

Starting point is 01:05:32 Rye bread. Rye, nah, I don't fuck with rye bread. No, no, no, pumpernickel. I don't fuck with rye bread. You know? Then we might drink a little wine. We already fucked at this point. Might drink a little wine.

Starting point is 01:05:46 We already fucked at this point. Might drink a little wine. Michael's excited. He plays the drums really hard when he gets excited over there. This is the weirdest D'Angelo song I've ever heard. I haven't seen this shit right now. Go ahead, keep going. And then what do you do? I mean it's different for each person, but I'm just saying like in general, like, you

Starting point is 01:06:07 know. All the things you just named, I would have come eight times already. By the time I'm in the kitchen, I'd be dead. You'd have to drag me to the kitchen after that. Also, I'd just like to say for kitchen sex, you got to be tall enough to like fit the countertop height. That is true. No showties in the kitchen.

Starting point is 01:06:28 No showties. Wow, that is incredible. What is the longest you think you've ever... Red Band's showing me how long this interview's going. Red Band's afraid of what the comments might say. Why would they spend time with a random audience member? Okay. What's the longest you think you've lasted with a woman?

Starting point is 01:06:48 Your longest session ever. That horny bitch wants to know. The longest you've ever lasted, or perhaps recharged and immediately gone again. Okay, good, that's what I was about to, okay. Oh, because you have that. Let's specify that part. You have that fucking Tesla battery.

Starting point is 01:07:05 You're like ready to go immediately. The supercharger. As long as I've gone back to back. Back to back. For those of you that didn't get the message. Probably about two hours. But, but, hold on, hold on, hold on. Okay.

Starting point is 01:07:19 Let's be real here. No one's fucking for two hours straight and like not coming. Right? Like what I mean by this is like, you know, four plates, there's all the shit you do, sandwiches. You know what I mean? Sandwich in the kitchen, exactly, exactly. Sometimes you might take a little intermission, whatever it is you need, but you're still in the mix.

Starting point is 01:07:37 Watch House Hunters, House Hunters International. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Specifically interation. Like from a bargain hunt. I did it. What's the fastest you think you've ever recharged? Yeah, specifically integration. Like from Bargain Hawn. I did that. What's the fastest you think you've ever recharged? So that means come to reinsertion. What's your fastest turnover rate there?

Starting point is 01:07:53 And we will be fact checking this with your friends. Yes. That's cool, that's cool. Probably about, honestly, like 15 minutes. Okay, that's human. That's what I'm saying, dog. I'm no one special. Okay. I mean, well, you know, we can't judge a book by its cover. You seem like the kind of guy that could just absolutely go nonstop.

Starting point is 01:08:18 Well, congratulations on being the most interesting interview of the night. Trinidad and Tobago Zone, John, ladies and gentlemen. John. Hell yeah, man. Fuck. Amazing. All right. Now back to comedians, attempting to do a minute

Starting point is 01:08:39 uninterrupted. How about another hand for Heidi, everybody? Thank you very much. Unbelievable. John's about to fuck the shit out of her. Hello, hello. This show is sponsored by Cook Unity. Guys, I love Terry Black's barbecue here in Austin.

Starting point is 01:09:00 I've been craving their brisket like crazy. And I was thinking how great would it be to get that level of culinary satisfaction from home if you've got culinary taste? You know how expensive exploring your local food scene can get or how hard it is to find the time and energy to try somewhere new. Cook Unity is the first chef to use service

Starting point is 01:09:16 at delivering locally sourced meals from award-winning chefs right to your door every week. And it's cheaper than any other delivery option. So go to cookunity.com slash Tony or enter code Tony before checkout for 50% off your first week or it man. I had the jambalaya pasta with the creamy Creola sauce. Creole sauce. Creole.

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Starting point is 01:10:26 Go to cookunity.com slash Tony or enter code Tony before check off for 50% off your first week. That's 50% off your first week by using code Tony or go to cookunity.com slash Tony. Here come the carrots making their way upfield, followed by the whole wheat bread. Over to the two dozen eggs. Sir, do you do this every time? Sorry, I've been a little excited ever since I got this BMO Toronto FC Cashback Mastercard. Oh, and the broccoli boots it over the line! What a goal! How would you like to pay, sir?

Starting point is 01:10:53 Credit, please. Make every purchase a win with the BMO Toronto FC Cashback Mastercard with up to 5% cashback on your purchases in your first three months. Terms and conditions apply. All right, make some noise for your next bucket poll. Jacob Cancer, everybody. Here we go, here's Jacob Cancer. I'm trying to get sober.

Starting point is 01:11:19 I definitely have a drinking problem. The wake up call was two weeks ago. I got blacked out and I emailed a picture of my asshole and my second grade teacher. It was even weirder when he replied, wow, it hasn't changed a bit. Actually, I just sent it on a burner Facebook and on his Facebook account and he replied, Jacob?

Starting point is 01:11:38 So yeah, this asshole's one of a kind. I've been arrested three times for possession of marijuana, which you cannot eat three and a half grams of marijuana, at least is the time it takes for a cop to get to your window. But when I got pulled over, of course, I was coughing up marijuana all over the inside of my Prius. And the cop looks down at me and he goes,

Starting point is 01:11:59 are you aware it's two o'clock in the afternoon? And I looked up at him, I said, are you aware of the losses inflicted upon the Russians afternoon? And I looked up at him, I said, are you aware of the losses inflicted upon the Russians in defense of Stalingrad? So I went to jail. Uh, yeah. Luckily, I'd never gotten to cocaine.

Starting point is 01:12:15 I will say this, I've tried cocaine once. On numerous occasions. Yeah. Very good. Jacob Cantor. One of the strongest sets, not from a regular tonight. Very funny, Jacob. Where are you from? Longview, Texas. Is this your first time on the show? Second time. And both gone as well as this one? Yeah, the first time went really well.

Starting point is 01:12:39 Wow, good stuff. You got a big joke book last time. Yes. Incredible. Well, here you are again. A fantastic set. You squeezed a lot of material into that minute. Got a lot of laughs. Remind us, what do you do for work? What's going on? I work at Whole Foods. Oh, that's right.

Starting point is 01:12:55 Yeah, mega Asian. So that was my bit. What? Mega Asians bit. That's what I did last time. Mega Asians bit. I picked up an Asian in my Uber. She liked Trump a lot, so I made a joke about it.

Starting point is 01:13:05 Right, okay. You work in the dairy section. Is that correct? No, I'm a supervisor up front. All right, we're gonna check in with the great Daniel Van Kirk. Great set, dude. Thank you.

Starting point is 01:13:18 That was awesome. I feel like you can get to that quicker, but you're really good at your turns, like a stop and then going into the joke, but that's okay, because blank, or like I don't never met them before because I'm blank. So that's good and I think it's good finding your style in like that. One thing I will say, how long have you been doing comedy? Six years.

Starting point is 01:13:36 Six years. Okay. It's just, do you, no, no, it wasn't bad. I want to ask this to Tony because I feel like you and Red Band have probably seen more people starting or in their journey of comedy than any other friends of mine at all. When you feel like somebody's sort of doing a style of a popular comedian, and obviously there's certain ways of telling jokes and everything,

Starting point is 01:13:58 how do you address that? How do you broach it? I mean, we just say it. It just felt a little Nate Barghetti to me, just a little bit. Are you a fan of Nate Barghetti? No. No. OK.

Starting point is 01:14:08 Have you ever seen him do stand up? That's what I'm saying. I've seen him do stand up, and now I'm not really. I've never got into him. OK, cool. He's never made me laugh like that. No disrespect to that dude. No, not at all.

Starting point is 01:14:16 And your content is so wildly different than his. But I didn't know if it was just sort of like a little bit. This happens a lot on the road if you watch a lot of comedy or if you've probably had it where you guys have somebody open for you and for a certain point you're like, I love you but you're starting to kind of do me on stage. It just happens. I avoided watching pretty much any specials

Starting point is 01:14:33 for my first few years just because the natural way of just copying people. So I just wanted to find my voice on stage. Okay. And then I've only recently in like the past year actually started watching stand up all the time. Awesome. It happens, it happens.

Starting point is 01:14:44 I noticed the guy with the iron, un-ironed shirt, the former soldier that almost killed me. I could tell without a doubt he's a huge Shane Gillis fan from his hand movements. Did you notice that? The double handed and he was doing this a lot? That is so true. That's what's happening.

Starting point is 01:15:04 No, it's not an autistic thing, John. Good question. John asks one question every eight episodes, and that was it. Nope, not autistic. Did you really try to eat all the weed? Yes, that was real. Actually, in that particular time,

Starting point is 01:15:20 I forgot to put my Prius in park, and it fucking went into a ditch as I stepped out of the car. Wow. I literally, I have that in my nightmares. That happens and like I can't find the brake pedal. The guy who arrested me, I went to high school with him. So it was even weirder. Okay, see this is the shit.

Starting point is 01:15:37 This is why you guys are fucking angels. My man. And he apologized to me too later. Don't you ever fucking interrupt me again. I'm joking. I'm man. And he apologized to me too, later. After I got on Kill Tony. Don't you ever fucking interrupt me again. I'm joking, I'm joking, I'm joking. I'm not fucking joking, no. So this is the thing, I do, I'm a bit of a storyteller, I love telling a good story,

Starting point is 01:15:57 but I also love finding observational comedy and going in and out of that. You are doing sort of, not so much observational, but not full stories either. It's sort of like there was this and then this like I hope you really sent your asshole to your teacher but uh but that right there is a moment of like I got I got arrested for having three and a half grams of weed or whatever it was and then you mine that fuck now I know you only had a minute here but like mine that shit of like oh it's worse than you guys think it was, and then you mine that fucking, now I know you only had a minute here, but like mine that shit of like,

Starting point is 01:16:26 oh, it's worse than you guys think it was. I could put it like, go through all that shit because then the audience gets to go on that ride with you. And as the asshole thing feels like such a, it's very funny, but it feels such a like, really? Like I laughed at it, right? Cause it was a good joke, but I didn't think it really happened.

Starting point is 01:16:43 And then I don't believe that you really got arrested for weed either. And the more you dig that out, you've got that, everything you just said three sentences in a row, you didn't even have a joke. It was just funny. So true. An unbelievable note.

Starting point is 01:16:54 Were you and the guy close in high school? Not really, no. Did he bully you? No. Did you bully him? No. Did you have any interactions that you remember? Not really.

Starting point is 01:17:03 He was just like a normal dude. Did he remember you? Oh yeah, he remembered me. He was trying to, because the chick that sold me the weed, we went to high school with her, and he was trying to get me to like ride out, he's like, you won't go to jail if you say who it was. And I was just like, oh, she has blue hair

Starting point is 01:17:17 and lives like down the road. Which is not true. No. Well, she does have blue hair. I was really scared. You fucking narc, dude. Wow. I told you I can break these motherfuckers. Well, she does have blue hair. I was really scared. You fucking narc, dude. Wow. I told you I can break these motherfuckers.

Starting point is 01:17:27 Wow, it's incredible. We got a rat amongst us. But she's got so, then, now look at that. That is a fucking curb your enthusiasm episode. Have you ever had the officer who's trying to arrest you connect you to another person you went to high school with who happened to sell you the drugs that you are currently being arrested for.

Starting point is 01:17:45 That's insane, right? So let how fucked up your life is be funny. It's true, it's true. Jacob, how's Whole Foods going? Good? It's all right. I mean, it's not the job I want to have forever. And I'm trying to get a job with a better schedule so I can hit more mics in Dallas.

Starting point is 01:18:04 Yeah, what else is going on? What else do you do for fun when you're not doing stand-up? Um, I don't know. I like history. I like to work out. What kind of workout do you do? The sit-down? Yeah. You look buff as shit.

Starting point is 01:18:20 Yo, look at his chest. He is low-key yoked. Are you? Yeah. Really? Do you have a six pack? How many you think you should pull a Bert Kreischer right now, huh? No? No, not that, it's yoked. Daniel says you're yoked, the crowd goes wild,

Starting point is 01:18:33 you don't want to do it? What are you benching? What? What are you, come on. What do you got to think about if you're going to lie? What are you going to, you? Probably like, I don't know, like 220? Yeah.

Starting point is 01:18:43 Wow. Look at that. But I mean, I don't know, like I don't even have to work out that much because I was in the military So I'm just like already fed Wow our military has never been weaker. This is incredible Bunch of sickly people like I'm fighting for our country This is unbelievable. We do need to start letting trans in the military Anybody wants to defend our country go fucking do it. That's my fucking rule. I support you, I love you for your service. What branch? Army. Army National Guard. Rank? Wow. Look at that. 8 years. Rank? Right. Did you

Starting point is 01:19:16 have a rank when you were in the national? Oh, rank? I was a corporal. He's a stock boy. Okay, so you're working out, you're going to mics, you like history. Where in He's a stalker. He's a stalker. He's a stalker. He's a stalker. He's a stalker. He's a stalker. He's a stalker. He's a stalker. He's a stalker. He's a stalker. He's a stalker.

Starting point is 01:19:31 He's a stalker. He's a stalker. He's a stalker. He's a stalker. He's a stalker. He's a stalker. He's a stalker. He's a stalker.

Starting point is 01:19:39 He's a stalker. He's a stalker. He's a stalker. He's a stalker. He's a stalker. He's a stalker. He's a stalker. He's a stalker. whoa, whoa, whoa. So he's fucked up. What kind of... Let's work on our references. We don't want to lose the crowd. What kind of pajamas?

Starting point is 01:19:50 Striped pajamas. That is very... You were near the number of the movie. Oh. Yeah. It's like, hey, I'm going to die in a concentration camp. That's his first pull. Right.

Starting point is 01:20:02 The old striped pajamas. What else? How else would you describe these people? I also got in trouble at work because sometimes whenever people do self-checkout, you have to enter in the date. Whenever you look at their ID, and I used to just not check IDs, I was like, you want 9-11 or JFK assassination?

Starting point is 01:20:21 So I got in trouble, yeah. Okay. Someone ratted you out for a change. Yeah, yeah. Some dumb bitch in uptown. Wow. Look at that. John's fucking her right now. So revenge is yours. You got a big joke book last time?

Starting point is 01:20:36 Yes. All right, well there he goes. Jacob Kant or anything? What? You don't live in Austin, do you? No, but I can come down here. Uh-oh. I'd love to have you on the Secret Show Thursday.

Starting point is 01:20:47 Whoa, look at that. Dreams Are Coming True, live on Killtony. Jacob Cantor, C-A-N-T-E-R. All right, you guys having fun out there? We have another bucket poll. And they go by the name of Lee Hudson, everybody. 60 seconds uninterrupted for Lee Hudson. Here's Lee.

Starting point is 01:21:16 I'm an out of shape man. I have a bad diet. My diet is bad to the point where if I decided to buy vegetables on my debit card, my bank would flag it as suspicious activity. I'm a depressed man as well. It's weird when your friends know you have depression because it really takes the impact out the phrase, I'd rather kill myself. Because my friends are like, do you want to come to the cinema?

Starting point is 01:21:37 And I'm like, I'd rather kill myself. And they're like, we know, but do you want to come to the cinema? I watch my dad get married last year for the fifth time. Yeah, it's a lot of times. That means I've had a lot of stepmums to the point where I'm actually quite traumatized by that category of porn now. I will still watch it though. But it's different for me. I'm watching a video of some guy pounding his stepmom

Starting point is 01:22:09 and I'm watching it going, don't get too attached. Wow. What a performance. Lee Hudson, absolutely incredible. Welcome to the show, Lee. Hey, man. How are you? I'm good.

Starting point is 01:22:30 How long have you been doing stand-up? Just over seven years now. Seven years. Am I crazy? Were you on an episode in England? 2019 in London. Wow! I can't believe I remembered that. I can believe it. You give a shit and you like doing this. It's incredible. I've got to credit to you. 2019 in London, England at a big giant sold out theater.

Starting point is 01:22:49 Yeah. Blue's Re theater. And you did great there. I remember you very clearly. And this is a brand new minute. Very, very fun stuff happening. How long are you in Texas for? I leave on Tuesday. When did you get here? Yesterday. Why is such a quick trip to the new comedy capital of the world being as funny as you are? It's the only amount of time I can get off work. What do you do for work? I'm a data analyst. A data analyst? Yeah. Okay. What kind of data are you analyzing? Finance, interest rates and shit like that. Wow. You might be

Starting point is 01:23:21 one of the funniest data analysts I've ever heard of. This is absolutely incredible. Tell us what else is going on over there in London? Yeah, yeah. Okay. It's a pretty cool scene at the moment, yes. It's fun, I get up pretty much every night. Yeah, it's a fun time.

Starting point is 01:23:36 The Queen is dead? She is. How did that make you feel? What? Yeah. Party time. How did that make you feel when the queen died? I was, yeah, pretty nonchalant about it. I did a show that night, like half an hour

Starting point is 01:23:50 after it got announced that she died. You monster. The host went up and he went, does anyone give a fuck? And one guy went, I do. And he went, nah, you can go. Amazing. Absolutely incredible.

Starting point is 01:24:01 Right, the queen dies, but the show must go on. So Lee Hudson, tell us more. What else have we missed about your life since the last time we've seen you? Last time we spoke, I was with someone for a very long time and you guys made fun of me because we weren't married. That went to shit. That's gone now. Yeah. Did we, you think we helped with that? Oh no, it was like another four years later. Oh So yeah. Okay. Yeah. I drew out a while and that was your stepmom. Uh, so I'm done too, dad. I'm done too. So, uh, how long ago was the breakup? Uh, it was during the pandemic. Okay. So have you been dating since then?

Starting point is 01:24:46 Yeah. Okay. Have you been with an American woman? No, Canadian was the closest I got. Canadian was the closest. Have you ever kissed an American woman? No. Is there any chance, you know,

Starting point is 01:24:59 we have some of the best audience members in the world. Is there, this is a famous segment of the show where it's called kiss me and sometimes we have a female audience member come up and kiss is there wow look at this young lady right here she's scared oh shit that's a real American come on up here that is a real American. Come on up here. That is a real American right there. I hope she gets on stage and she's like, Orra and Stewies! You're about to kiss an American girl. Are you excited? Uh, somewhat.

Starting point is 01:25:36 Okay. Lee Hudson. I never had to cause you any trouble. Ladies and gentlemen, I do believe this is about to go down. This is a real... oh my goodness, wow. Okay, now Tony, I've never witnessed this. Do we check that door for consent? Do we back draft this? Do we negotiate what kind of kiss we're gonna have?

Starting point is 01:25:59 She consents, Lee, do you consent? Yeah, sure. Enthusiastically. Can I do my minute if I can? No, no, no, no. You can't do your minute. Watch as a comment. No, thank you.

Starting point is 01:26:09 It was right of you to ask, but we were thought you were up here for. Oh, my God. Wow. Look at that. Wow. This is a real fucking. Oh, my God. OK.

Starting point is 01:26:24 Wow. Look at that. Okay. Wow. Look at that. Look at that. From Buckingham to Buckingham. This shit is going down tonight. Oh my God. You're going to love being married to his dad. This is incredible.

Starting point is 01:26:41 Look at the look of happiness on Lee Hudson's face. This is one of the happiest South Park characters I've ever seen in my life. Is it? Absolutely incredible. Right now in his mind he's like, keep calm and get hard. Keep calm and get hard.

Starting point is 01:26:56 Yeah, absolutely. Is that a little fuckin'? Is that Winston Churchill cigar in your pants or are you just happy to be here? Wow. This is a fucking, a whole new revolutionary war. What's your name, sweetheart? Crystal.

Starting point is 01:27:13 Crystal. Okay, and you prepared a minute? You really wanna do it? All right, we haven't had a female comedian up tonight, so ladies and gentlemen, doing her minute, make some noise for Crystal. Please stay up here with your future wife. And one more time, ladies and gentlemen,

Starting point is 01:27:31 this is Crystal, everybody. Hi, my name is Crystal and I identify as skinny. I guess you could say I'm trans fat. I think you can tell a lot about a girl by the way she names her pet. Like if her dog has a first middle and last name she might be a little crazy but if her dog's name is Chalupa Batman Muggles Cash Evans-Bald she might be psychotic. For the record, I call him Muggles for short. So like I walk around calling him Chalupa Batmian, Muggles, Cash Evans, Bold.

Starting point is 01:28:12 That would be crazy. I've pretty much given up on ever getting married and having that rock on my hand to show off to all my friends. At this point, the closest I'm getting to a rock is inside Cam Patterson sweatpants. I've actually never been with a black man before. I've never been with a black man before. I know I look like I'm lying. I've been told I look like Jelly Roll and Amy Schumer's Love Child.

Starting point is 01:28:46 Oh! I still don't know if that's a compliment. That's all. There you go. No doubt about it. That's an incredible performance. Got better as it went on. Started strong. Incredible stuff, Crystal. Yeah. Wow. performance got better as it went on started strong incredible stuff crystal

Starting point is 01:29:06 yeah Wow Wow what's going on are you about to cry oh my goodness you're so happy it's amazing Thank you, this is gonna happen. I didn't even shower today. I was like, this is gonna be the one. We can tell. We can tell. It's all right. It's a match made in heaven.

Starting point is 01:29:33 It's a match made in heaven. Lee's British, so he didn't brush his teeth today. This is absolutely incredible. You didn't shower today. Wow. I brushed my teeth. That's very good. Very good. I showered my teeth.

Starting point is 01:29:47 Yeah. Crystal. Wow. I mean, it's true. My goodness. How long have you been doing stand-up, Crystal? This is my first time. No shit.

Starting point is 01:29:57 First time. Yeah. Look, it's amazing. A stunning, stunning stage presence. I love it. Your fishnets caught a whale. This is absolutely amazing. I've never seen anybody wear a skirt over their shirt before. It's amazing.

Starting point is 01:30:22 Crystal, what's your last name? I know it's not Crystal Light. Uh... Tony. I've heard of Crystal Light, but this is Crystal, baby. Tony, she already is gonna have to answer her mom when she goes, and how did you get up on stage? No! My mom's dead.

Starting point is 01:30:37 Oh, my goodness. Yeah! Hey, trust me, she might visit you tonight. Yeah. Amazing. This is amazing, Crystal. All right, trust me, she might visit you tonight. Amazing. This is amazing, Crystal. Your mom is dead. Where's dad at tonight?

Starting point is 01:30:52 Oh, I don't know. You don't talk to your dad either? No. So how is it possible if you don't talk to your dad and you look the way you do, why haven't you fucked a black guy yet? You think he's not gonna, you think your dad's not gonna talk to you twice? Oh. That's a good point.

Starting point is 01:31:10 Come on, John's laughing. Tony! My biological dad have actually had a bet with my uncle that I'd be pregnant by a black dude by the time I was 16. So I was like, no. Wow. So like, like, no. Wow. Wow. I don't know who won that bet.

Starting point is 01:31:28 Looks like everybody loses that one. Cause you're not pregnant, but you could be. All right. Crystal has a great sense of humor. I have a secret move in the bedroom. Oh, you do have a secret move in the bedroom? What is it? The surprise?

Starting point is 01:31:43 I didn't shower? Oh, you do have a secret move in the bedroom. What is it, the surprise I didn't shower? Oh, damn it. The, you fuck me while I plug your nose? Crystal, I apologize in advance, but is your secret move sandwiches? Oh.

Starting point is 01:32:00 She makes the sandwiches before they fuck. She's got the order of events backwards here. Crystal, what is your secret move in the bedroom? Can I guess? Can I get a couple guesses? The bedbreaker. No. Close. The aficionary position. Ooh, closer. Okay, go ahead. What is the move?

Starting point is 01:32:16 It's the dolphin. Okay. Uh-oh. It's when a guy tries to stick it in my ass, and I go, ah, ah, ah. Oh, wow. Incredible. Incredible. I thought it was going to have to do with

Starting point is 01:32:34 what your pussy smells like. He really. Red band. Red band. Wow. I have a second move. Oh wow. No, no, no. What's the second move? I roll a perfect blunt and if you smoke a blunt while you're in doggy style, it's so perfect. And I have a shelf so you can like put the ashtray there.

Starting point is 01:33:01 Oh my god. And you just pass it back and forth while you're fucking doggie style. My god. It works. Wow. So the person can smoke a blunt and put the ashtray on your back and an ash on your back

Starting point is 01:33:18 and then they hand it to you sometimes and you hit it while you're getting, wow. I can't imagine what your bedroom smells like. Uh, this is incredible. Is it possible for me to get canceled by listening to someone else talk? I'm not a special off. I'm trying to get people over to the specials.

Starting point is 01:33:40 Rose Gold, Daniel Van Kirk comedy on YouTube. Make sure you watch it. That's very nice I actually I've always wanted to be roasted by you. Well, it's not the first time that I've roasted a pig. So Incredible Absolutely amazing Should I put an apple in your mouth before I continue? That's actually my third move. Ha ha ha ha ha. I keep getting sucked into this.

Starting point is 01:34:15 Well, you did it. Here's a big joke book for Lee. Here's a big joke book for Crystal. There she goes. Thank you so much. Wow. So much fun. Such a fun episode. So much momentum. Is crypto perfect? Nope. But neither was email when it was invented in 1972. And yet today, we send 347 billion emails every single day. Crypto is no different. It's new.

Starting point is 01:34:46 But like email, it's also revolutionary. With Kraken, it's easy to start your crypto journey with 24-7 support when you need it. Go to kraken.com and see what crypto can be. Not investment advice. Crypto trading involves risk of loss. See kraken.com slash legal slash ca-pru-disclaimer for info on Kraken's undertaking to register in Canada.

Starting point is 01:35:04 And we're going gonna keep it going. We have one of our greatest Golden Ticket winners ever here, ready with a brand new minute. This guy is absolutely unbelievable. He's been on a fucking real streak lately. Really, really impressive stuff. And we're gonna talk about it after his's set. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the return of one of the greatest Golden Ticket winners in the history of the show. This is indeed Martin Phillips, everybody.

Starting point is 01:35:34 ["The Golden Ticket"] Okay, what's up? How we doing? Okay. I'm situated. I don't know that guy. Okay, I got two jokes. I like flowers, but I would never want to be a flower because then every every time I'd juggle it, I would sneeze.

Starting point is 01:36:07 That's a smart cum joke. It's morning, for breakfast, I had soup, or something people call it, a Bloody Mary. You know? Remember that had to be an alcoholic. You know? It's like, what would be good in this soup? A vodka? A liquor? I don't have a problem. And there's no other hard soups out there. You know? I never put gin in my chicken noodle. You know? It's never but uh Okay, cool. I get in there Unbelievable The return of truly one of the greatest Golden Tigger winners Martin Phillips everyone Martin. How you doing? Okay

Starting point is 01:37:01 Yeah, Daniel Van Kirk you ever seen Martin I am not just straight clean jokes Martin another unbelievable brand new minute, you know, I'll tell you guys a short story which is I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Starting point is 01:37:30 I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Starting point is 01:37:36 I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Starting point is 01:37:43 I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. my entire, you know, all the regulars and, you know, my current friends, Tony and friends shows, it's usually everybody's here and William and Casey and Cam and Ron White and all of these people, all of them were working that night and out on the road and this and that. And last minute with like 45 minutes ago, I'm like, Jesus Christ, who's working the door, this, that?

Starting point is 01:38:03 Okay, well, no Heath, no Cam, no this, no that, no David Jolly, David's headlining on the road, fucking everybody's out on the road somehow on this magical night. So I hit up Martin Phillips and he's like, I'm down the street, I'll be there. And he came on and of course I'm curious to see how he's gonna do doing 10 minutes on his own. I've only seen you on Keltoni and you fucking killed so hard

Starting point is 01:38:31 that the entire club was talking about it. One of the great managers here, the lovely Chica. I remember as I was coming down to go on stage, I go, I go, can we get a W nine for Martin? It was his first time performing in this room and she goes, got it right here, can't fucking wait. Like the whole building was so excited to have you join, it was just the right place,

Starting point is 01:38:57 the right time, you were around, you were able to get here, you made your set and he fucking decimated. I mean he crushed this room. Yeah, it was crazy, I get loud. your set and he fucking decimated I mean he crushed this room yeah I don't know still a big help your call who's who's calling me from Hollywood right I do still have my old cell phone number yeah but luckily I was at, yeah, but luckily, but I was at another like, like, but as soon as I got back, I was like, peace out, okay? Bye.

Starting point is 01:39:28 See ya. Ah. It was the first time that I called you, and a fun call, and you answered, and it was fucking incredible. Amazing stuff. How'd you feel after that? It was cool, yeah.

Starting point is 01:39:42 It was first time doing the stage, that I'd was cool. Yeah, it was very fun. Yeah, it was magical. It was fucking absolutely incredible. You're killing it. You're doing great. And you're also, you're going to be in LA, correct? Yeah, I'll be there. Yeah, for our thing. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:39:52 Yeah. I'm going to be there. I'm going to be there. I'm going to be there. I'm going to be there. I'm going to be there. I'm going to be there. I'm going to be there.

Starting point is 01:40:00 I'm going to be there. I'm going to be there. I'm going to be there. I'm going to be there. I'm going to be there. I'm going to be there. I'm going to be there. I'm going And you're also you're going to be in LA, correct? Yeah, I'll be there. Yeah. Thank you. Yeah. Yeah. Doing an arena. Yeah. For them.

Starting point is 01:40:11 But I make you feel I have no idea. I'll see. I'll see how crazy it is when I get there. I have no expectations. This is yeah, it is. Go with the flow and hopefully I don't eat shit. That's all right, my name's Phelps. I found a way to get there. But I have plane tickets, but getting to the actual arena

Starting point is 01:40:39 because, oh, it sucks. Can I make a suggestion? Just to see what happens? Hitchhike. Just so you know. See who picks you up. Live a little. Good Samaritan out there.

Starting point is 01:40:56 Let's see. You'll get a story out of him. If I make it there. Right. So you have everything going for you. You're absolutely killing. Every new minute is very, very, very impressive. I remember when I made you a golden ticket winner back in DC five or six years ago, or long ago it was, I remember thinking, God damn, this guy's good.

Starting point is 01:41:21 But I'm actually literally watching you constantly get better. You're one of the few Golden Ticket winners that hits me up very regularly to call in for your spot. A lot of the, you know, a little fun fact behind the scenes of the show is that anybody, any Golden Ticket winner can hit me up anytime. Take Heath's writing process, you know, he's very new, very green, even though he's a Golden Ticket winner. He's a different level, you know, 21 years old, looks like he's nine. And Enrique, you know, it takes him a while to have a new minute that he's excited about. All these, almost all the other golden ticket winners take a while, or Jared Nathan and Aaron Belial live in Canada and can't come a lot.

Starting point is 01:42:00 But Martin, more than anybody, tries to come in and you do it with beautiful grace for a guy that's shaky and wobbly and bent out of shape. Hi. Yeah. It looks like I'm out of step on toes. I have tried not to. It's still burning there. I know.

Starting point is 01:42:16 But I can tell you, speaking of other Golden Digger winners, I get recognized a lot, but this has happened a lot. People recognize me and then they go, Aaron? And we don't look alike. And most importantly, I, I, I'm just saying that I, it's clear. It's, yeah, oh, like, and he has like a dog. I don't have a dog. My, my hand's in my pocket. I don't do that. Damn, this is handicap on handicap crime happening right here.

Starting point is 01:43:04 These guys, I haven't seen a fight like this since a parking spot was up for grabs. I have no beef with them, it's just, the listeners are the dumb ones. They can't tell it ain't quite a part, you know? If you get a second blackout, I, uh-oh, you know? That's true. That is absolutely, everything you are saying

Starting point is 01:43:26 is absolutely correct. For the record, the views expressed by all the comics up here tonight are not exemplary of Daniel Van Kirk's. Rose Gold and Daniel Van Kirk comedy on YouTube. Leave Kill Danny in the comments when you go check it out. And you know, I've mentioned this before, but a lot of people say,

Starting point is 01:43:44 oh, you're gonna kill Tony, is that the show with all the handicapped people and this and that? It really cracks me up because again, if we were to make a compilation of all your minutes, I mean, other than the regulars, there would be you, Aaron Belial, Jared Nathan, which all of you are a little fucking in your own ways,

Starting point is 01:44:04 like, you know, a little fucking wobbly and shit. But no one else has done that good. And no one else has done that good that many times. The fact that you guys are all little fucking whatever is just a coincidence. And again, Michael Lair had a different thing. He had ALS, and he was the fucking absolute goat. I mean, genius, hilarious, the late, great Michael Lehrer.

Starting point is 01:44:27 Total different ailment. He would be furious if he could hear me comparing him to these handicapped people. Tony! Because most of his life, he was a normal fucking stud until the very end, of course, when he died. But we knew that he was going to die. You're not going to die.

Starting point is 01:44:47 You have a full lifespan ahead of you. I hope. Right? Absolutely. It's amazing that you can cross your fingers like that. I wouldn't have guessed that you'd be able to do that. I mean, I almost called you Aaron after all that. I almost said, Martin Phillips everybody.

Starting point is 01:45:06 God damn, what a fucking episode. Am I right? We having fun tonight, huh? We pulled another name on the. You're like a gym teacher in the 90s looking at you. Like I don't know, because some of you fuckers are a little. That's where over a decade in the writers guilt gets me is

Starting point is 01:45:28 like fucking I'll come up with something. All right. Makes noise for your, what should be our final bucket pull of the night. Make some noise for Micah Brown or McCann or M can Brown. Khan or M.Kan Brown. Yoga pants, let's talk about it boys. I feel like the same people that wear yoga pants who are not on their way to do yoga

Starting point is 01:45:56 or on their way from doing yoga are like the same people that wear camouflage when they're not actively hunting or actively being hunted. The thing that blows my mind is there's camouflage yoga pants out there, dude. What are those for? Trying to stretch in secret? Are you part of the Indian Special Forces? Are you trying to live, laugh, reload, dude? Are you trying to eat, pray, eliminate?

Starting point is 01:46:32 What's going on? You guys want to really know what's going on? They're just trying to hide their camel toes. Okay, really thought there was gonna be more laughter there at the end. Held for laughter. One more time for Micah Brown, ladies and gentlemen. Here criticizing fashion while dressed like the final boss of the video game Delta 8. An incredible getup for a guy making fun of what guys wear. How do you feel? I feel great. How long you been on stand-up? Five years. You've been on the show before right? Yes. And how did it go

Starting point is 01:47:20 other times better or worse? About the same. I had fun both times. Okay. And remind us, what do you do for work? Right now. Hold on, no, no, no, no. Here we go. I meant to say this earlier when we heard, right now I'm sleeping in a hammock.

Starting point is 01:47:37 Nothing good follows this. Nothing, no good sentence ends with this. It's always temporary and where I'd rather not be. Take it away, Micah. Right now. I served pizza on Sixth Street. You nailed it, dude. Wow. Absolutely incredible.

Starting point is 01:47:57 You serve it, you don't make it? No. You don't know how to make it. You don't want me making the pie, dude. No, we don't want you making the pie. I fill up the water. You fill up water me making the pie. No, we don't want you making the pie. I fill up the water. You fill up water? Yeah.

Starting point is 01:48:06 Okay. Yeah. We found one of those dolphins. Is it Micah? Yes. Okay. Has anything interesting happened since the last time you were on

Starting point is 01:48:19 where we could talk about it during an interview? Honestly, yeah. Saturday, my baby mama called me, crying. And... Meow! Are you writing this as you go right now? No, this really happens.

Starting point is 01:48:41 How old's your baby? Three. But the guy she was dating, No, this really happens. How old's your baby? Three. But the guy she was dating, she just broke up with, died in a motorcycle accident. So I'm trying to console her, but I'm like, kinda happy this dude's dead. You know? But I don't know how I feel about that.

Starting point is 01:48:59 That's weird, right? Yeah. Yeah. No doubt about it. So what did you say? Well, I just watched my kid at the park for three hours and she had time and space. So wait, hold on. So she's like, oh my God, my boyfriend's dead.

Starting point is 01:49:20 I'm going to drop off the baby. Right? Yeah. We arranged plans for me to watch the kids so she could grieve. Did you say kids? Kid. Right, so you got the kid

Starting point is 01:49:30 and you took the kids straight to the park. Yeah, that's the place to go. Is this a dog? Dude, kids and dogs, very similar. Right, you just take them to the park and you let them shit outside. No, he would like to, but you have to treat him better than a dog. Right. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:49:51 So he's three years old. OK. And what does he think you do for a living? Pizza. He came to my job. It's the best job to have if you have a three year old, because they think you're killing it. You know what I'm saying? Do you do this as a joke on stage? This is the first time I've said this.

Starting point is 01:50:09 That's incredible. I think we're finding something here, Micah. This is exactly what Daniel Van Kirk was talking about earlier. It's like people can feel it when it's real. I make pizza for a living. I have a three-year-old son, and he thinks ba-ba-ba-ba. Yeah, it don't feel bad for me, because my kid thinks I have the coolest fuckingyear-old son and he thinks, ba-ba-ba-ba. Yeah, don't feel bad for me because my kid thinks

Starting point is 01:50:25 I have the coolest fucking job in the world. And then you get to that and expound it. Like, stay away from the, don't you love when your ex's boyfriend dies? Like, leave that out. You gotta dig through the mud, man. You gotta dig through the mud. Or walk around the mud.

Starting point is 01:50:39 It would... Thank you guys for going on that with me. Or drive right over the mud like your ex's boyfriend did. A little slippery out there. Did you notice in your set that you got your better jokes on the camel stuff was later on, right? Like eat, pray, eliminate and all that stuff. Just get to that.

Starting point is 01:51:00 Like you say, there's people walking around in fucking yoga pants with camel. What are they doing? Boom, joke, eat, pray, eliminate, boom. Just fucking go to that. Like you say, people walking around in yoga pants with camera, like what are they doing? Boom, joke, eat, pray, eliminate, boom, just fucking go to that. We all know exactly what it is. And no disrespect to you at all. That take isn't hot, like commenting on yoga pants and stuff like that. But coming up with some funny phrases that nobody has applied to that and true with that lifestyle is that's funny. So get to the joke and then listen to this fucking legend and talk about that. You're going to be seeing crazy shit filling up waters on 6th Street every night. Oh yeah, that's fun. I wonder what it would be. And then what that like,

Starting point is 01:51:38 have that. It's funny that you might be watching two people fight over a crust of pizza while trying to answer the phone to your baby monitor and getting yelled at that you might be watching two people fight over a crust of pizza while trying to answer the phone to your baby mama and getting yelled at that you aren't pouring enough water. You know what I'm saying? Like just, it's all, there's a movie, Mike Bobiglie's movie, Sleep Walk With Me, where Marin tells him in the movie,

Starting point is 01:51:56 I think you should just talk about that while he's like bitching about his life. It's all fucking right in front of you, dude. You get messy at the pizza joint? No, I wash my hands a lot. I'm very self-conscious. Clean hands. I might be autistic, I don't know.

Starting point is 01:52:09 Okay. Is that relatable? You think autism is washing your hands at work? At a food and beverage establishment? That's what you think autism is, is being a decent human being? Oh, I think I'm just gross, yeah. Oh, yeah, oh, oh, oh, oh.

Starting point is 01:52:28 Wait a second, I'm not autistic, I'm disgusting. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Fuck yeah, dude. All right, congratulations, you already have. What size joke books do you have? I have one little joke book. Well, guess what, my friend, you know what we're gonna do? We're gonna upgrade you to a big one here tonight.

Starting point is 01:52:48 There he goes. Thank you so much. Micah Brown everybody. All right, I decided when he was up here that we're gonna do one more bucket pull. Ladies and gentlemen, your final bucket pull of the night no matter what happens, make some noise for David Gamble, everybody.

Starting point is 01:53:05 David Gamble. -♪ Thank you. Met a nice lady the other day, taught me what the missionary position actually is. Turns out I had a twist in my whole life. I thought the missionary position was where you take a person

Starting point is 01:53:23 and you don't give them food or water until they agree to worship your God. That's a relief. I like this. Okay. Get a lot of my clothes at the thrift store. That's how I was raised. My parents brought me up not to spend too much money on my clothes. It's actually based on an ancient Chinese proverb. Roughly translated, it goes a little something like this.

Starting point is 01:53:47 The clothing does not make the child. The child makes the clothing. All right. Ah, fuck it, I'll try this one. So, uh, word stillborn is kind of an oxymoron, huh? It's not like they're stillborn now are they? God damn it, that's stillborn. I still have time?

Starting point is 01:54:11 What should I do with it? All right. Uh, what I have? That's it. All right, fuck it. Very funny. David Gamble. Yes, sir.

Starting point is 01:54:22 Absolutely adorable. How long you been doing stand-up, David? 11 years, mostly. 11 years. How long you been doing standup, David? 11 years mostly. 11 years, where at? Colorado Springs, Columbus, Ohio, a bunch of places. That's where you live now, Columbus? Colorado Springs. You live in Colorado Springs now.

Starting point is 01:54:36 And how long did you live in Ohio? Most of my life, till I was about 28. I actually did the show once in 2014, a long time ago. Kiltoni? In Columbus, Ohio. Columbus, in 2014. I was brand new. Holy shit, that's fucking 10 years ago.

Starting point is 01:54:53 Jesus fucking Christ. I had no idea what it was. Well, we didn't either at the time. That is amazing. So you were just a year in back then, basically just starting out and how did that set go for you? Not good. Amazing.

Starting point is 01:55:10 And look at you now and you stuck with it. Why Colorado Springs? Airbnb, I started an Airbnb. It was a pandemic thing. You wanted to get out of Columbus. You went to Colorado Springs and you bought real estate, and you started Airbnb-ing it out. Is that what that means, by Airbnb-ing? Yep.

Starting point is 01:55:28 Okay. There's a couple steps removed, but I moved to Vegas first and I didn't like it. There's a bunch of, Denver too, I didn't really like Denver. Okay, you've lived a lot of places. How many dead hookers are in your path? Right.

Starting point is 01:55:41 Yeah. At least three. Okay. Okay. Yeah. Very good. What do you do for work, David? Freelance marketing. All right.

Starting point is 01:55:50 And are you making good money off your Airbnb in Colorado Springs? Used to. What happened? The economy went down. It did in Colorado, didn't it? Everywhere, I think. Okay. You're-

Starting point is 01:56:04 Speak for yourselves. Good point. Speak for yourselves. You're... Good point. Daniel Van Kirk. You're Airbnb. Yeah. It's a house that you rent the whole thing out or you're doing some share stitches. I made it into two apartments

Starting point is 01:56:18 and I live in the basement one. It's kind of sad. Do you leave the premises? I'm not there now. We got ourselves a goddamn genius up here. We got ourselves a goddamn teleporter. I'm saying when people rent it, do they rent the whole place and you leave?

Starting point is 01:56:43 That's a great question. A lot of these Airbnb's, there's always a fucking creepazoid coming in and out of the back door. That's you. That's exactly it. That would be terrible. You're like permanently the people under the stairs when someone's renting out your place. That's exactly right. Is there anything worse? Can you imagine renting out the whole Airbnb and then you're like, oh wait, there's somebody coming up the driveway. Oh my God, it's the world's tallest midget. David Gamble.

Starting point is 01:57:16 Has anyone ever told you you look like the world's tallest midget? Just now, that was the first time. That's it, there's a first time for everything. Thanks to the popularity of this show, you're gonna get it a lot. Yeah, a first time for everything. Thanks to the popularity of this show, you're going to get it a lot. Yeah. I imagine so. Yeah. So any...

Starting point is 01:57:30 You're more of a joke writer than telling stories from your personal life. OK, because I'm sure you've had some crazy aftermath or people in your place that drove you nuts or did wild shit. People selling... I say dope, heroin. People selling heroin out of their... Out of their Airbnbn? Yeah. In Colorado Springs.

Starting point is 01:57:50 Wow. Junkies on the porch waiting for him and I was just like, oh, this is what's going on. This is what's going on. Here, I gotta go out there, me, the Shaquille O'Neal of little people, and lay down the law. Lay down the law. Lay down the law.

Starting point is 01:58:05 I'm about to kick you people out, Ernie. You're about to get kicked out of this house, Ernie. It is absolutely... So do you stay on property to avoid squatters then? I don't know what I'd do about squatters. Well, you avoid it. As long as you're in the property, they can't... They have no legal squatting rights. They might be in there now though. I've been gone a couple weeks, dude

Starting point is 01:58:27 You just got squatted Welcome back to squatting My goodness, so what's your love life like being the the big dog in Oz? Pretty lonely Pretty lonely. Pretty lonely. You are lonely? Now. Really?

Starting point is 01:58:50 You're surrounded by all these people? You're right. There he goes, ladies and gentlemen. Because he tried to tell me he was here. It's fine. You'll get it later on, guys. You've been pretty lonely, but let me ask you something. What if you were to get,

Starting point is 01:59:10 why do you think you can't lock down a girl? Why do you think that is? It's not, just right now it's lonely, and fighting with the guests upstairs is bad, a little bit. Nobody else thought he was gonna go, oh, I can lock them down. It's keeping them there, that's the problem. That's pretty accurate. No, don't say that.

Starting point is 01:59:27 Fuck with you. What if I had someone, a world famous stud to give you some advice on how to improve your love life? Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to introduce a huge fan of Kill Tony. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Mark Wahlberg, everybody. Shut the fuck up. -♪ How you guys doing? You doing good?

Starting point is 02:00:00 What's up, dude? I could bench you. Fuck that, I could curl you. What are you, Donnie, if they got the copy wrong? So what's your problem? You sad? You lonely? I'm sad and I'm lonely, very good. You know what?

Starting point is 02:00:19 First, you know what you need to do? You need to become a fucking movie star. Movie star? Dude, you become a fucking movie star? You can do whatever you want. Everybody in this room becomes a third. It's fucking perfect, dude. What are you lonely about?

Starting point is 02:00:29 What makes you sad on your heart? I'm not lonely now. What's that? I'm not lonely anymore. No one here wants to be around you. You ever been in a fight? No. You've never been in a fight? Not a good, not a real one.

Starting point is 02:00:45 Okay, keep up this attitude. That might change. Ha ha ha ha. Have you ever been punched in the face in your life? When I was little. What happened? We were, I was trying to break up some kids fighting. And you were also a little kid? Yep.

Starting point is 02:01:01 And you said, hey little kids, let's not fight. No, I just tried to pull them apart. You walked in and you were like, hey, hey, hey, hey let's not fight. No, I just tried to pull him apart. You walked in and you were like, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, let's not do this to each other and somebody hit you in the mouth? Probably, yeah, about right.

Starting point is 02:01:12 You care if I make a movie out of that? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Can I be in it? What's that? Can I be in it? I heard it'll help me with being goddammit. What are you, Donnie Wahlberg? You can't be in it. Ha ha ha ha ha.

Starting point is 02:01:26 Can't be in it, but I'll... When's the last time you dated somebody? And I mean more than three times. Early last year. Okay, so that's not too long ago. It's kind of long ago. Well, it'd be long for me. For you, not that long ago.

Starting point is 02:01:40 Ha ha ha ha ha. I got a hand job when I was walking out here, okay? Hell yeah. Wait, who ended it, you or her? Me. Why? Tell me about the girl who's not good enough for you. I don't like giving her press. What's that?

Starting point is 02:01:58 I don't like giving her press. You don't like giving her press? That's what I was saying, yeah. Well, oh, okay. She's a fame like me? Or she's a normal like you? She's a normal like me, yeah. OK, so what happened?

Starting point is 02:02:11 Her Airbnb rental was up and you said I can't do this anymore? Yeah. Are you for real? No. You don't fuck your gas. Don't ever fucking lie to me again. Mark, why don't you give him a big joke book.

Starting point is 02:02:26 We're gonna send him on his way. I'm gonna give you a big joke up. And here I want you to write on the very first page, I promise, say it. I promise. To do cardio. To do cardio. There he goes, David Gamble, ladies and gentlemen.

Starting point is 02:02:40 And how about a hand for Mark Wahlberg, huh? Ha ha ha! Well, there's only one way to end an episode like this, ladies and gentlemen. It's the only way we know how. This is Kil Tony Hall of Famer, the record holder for all time appearances on this show, all time interviews, an absolute bonafide superstar, I present to you the vanilla gorilla, the St. Louis lasso, the Memphis strangler, the big red machine, this is indeed, lights out, the one and only William Montgomery. Well, that guy from the Naked Gun movies died last week.

Starting point is 02:03:35 Yeah, that's right. O.J. Simpson last week went to heaven. It was pretty awkward for O.J. because the first person he bumped into was Nicole Brown Simpson. When asked about Iran's attack on Israel, Joe Biden responded, chocolate chip, especially on a cone. Remember that blind man character on Star Trek? Apparently with those special glasses he could read rainbows. That's a good joke. LeVar Burton reading rainbow.

Starting point is 02:04:18 Okay. I'm trying to build a barrier between myself and smoking cigarettes, and Tony, I'm actually using Zinderblatt. Okay, that's my time. Thank you. 59 seconds on the dot for the man who's done it more than anyone else. Another brand new minute from William Montgomery. And I really do just want to say, Daniel, it is so sweet of you to actually stick around for this this when I was just watching the episode where I played David Lucas It was literally one of my best fucking sets and you fucking walk out at the very beginning of it

Starting point is 02:04:53 So this is hard right when I started the minute you fucking walked out I have been playing that over and over again for the past four fucking years, so it's kind of crazy You're actually here right now. It's crazy. It is crazy. Why'd you walk out? I've been wanting to ask you that from the beginning. Well, there he goes.

Starting point is 02:05:14 Oh, he's back. I don't remember. It probably seemed like a good bid at the time. He probably had to use the restroom or had somewhere to go. OK. OK. Cool.

Starting point is 02:05:24 I was just wondering. I'm sure it was a good fit. Wasn't it? That wasn't the joke that I was like, I'm going to get canceled for this. And so that was the beginning was I'm tired of being big and black or something. I was trying to play David Lucas. And then you bailed right after that. So did I leave, leave the stage? Yeah. Right after that, I literally watch it all the fucking time. I'm not even kidding. I watched it 10 times up in the fucking green room. The truth of the matter is I probably was doing a stupid bit you know when you say to comics you're like hey be real for a second I've got to tell you something about my

Starting point is 02:05:54 life because you need them to not fucking bit what you're trying to do or tell them I was probably doing a bit I think you're fucking great if in any way me leaving made you feel the opposite, I'm sorry, buddy. Wait, and hold on. I am so sorry. I did not just hear a fucking word you said. William, give him a hug, William. There you go. There you go.

Starting point is 02:06:16 He smells weird. I do have to go. Pulling a Donnell Rawlings, ladies and gentlemen. The great Daniel Van Kirk. Donnell once walked off the show. It was a big deal. Why? Well, he said that he had to go have dinner somewhere,

Starting point is 02:06:31 but he didn't. He got made fun of by someone who kept warning him to stop making fun of him, or else he was gonna make fun of Donnell. But Donnell did two more jokes after that, and then the guy lit his ass up. And then Donnell drunkenly left and then immediately started saying I didn't leave but it's

Starting point is 02:06:51 like seen by millions of people. Did you see him tell Bert he didn't want any of his fucking tequila? No. He was on Bert's show and he goes I'll have a drink and he's like what do you want and he goes I'll have some it's vodka right? It's vodka. Yeah and so he goes I'll have vodka and he goes, I'll have a drink. And he's like, what do you want? And he goes, I'll have some, uh, it's vodka, right? It's vodka. Yeah. And so he goes off vodka and he goes, you want some two bears? And then he goes, nope. And then every left. He's like, why? What the fuck's wrong with you? This is my tequila, but don't know. It's not boring. Holy shit. There it is.

Starting point is 02:07:20 Fucking fall asleep over here. Holy shit. I'm fucking falling asleep over here, dude! Holy shit! Oh my god. William sometimes takes shots at the guest. You wouldn't know because you leave during his sets. Now I remember why. Now I remember why. William, you had some Barry William Montgomery references,

Starting point is 02:07:39 naked gun reference to lead into your OJ material, a LeVar Burton joke, which is both a old Star Trek and a reading rainbow joke. At the same time, all of these references from the late 80s, early 90s. I have gone on a big kick. I was actually really excited at first. I really did think Mark Wahlberg was here. I sort of got it and I just watched Fear for the at first. I really did think Mark Wahlberg was here. I sorta got it and I just watched Fear for the first time. I think I watched 10 different movies. You're fuckin' right, dude.

Starting point is 02:08:10 You're fuckin' right. Dude, I fingered her four times off camera, okay? I know, that movie was so hot when they were even so... I've never seen it. What's it... You've never fuckin' seen Fear? Oh my god, dude, I drive around in a Corvair and I make fun of the guy from CSI New York or whatever

Starting point is 02:08:26 and then I take his daughter up on a rollercoaster and she's from Sweet Home, Alabama and I finger her. On the rollercoaster? Yeah, dude. We didn't even know they were filming. Wow. Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha.

Starting point is 02:08:40 It's a beautiful scene. It's a beautiful scene. I get to re-play it. It actually is a very beautiful scene. You make her beautiful scene. I can't don't replay it. It's a very beautiful scene. You make her, it appears that you make her orgasm when y'all are going down the hill of the roller coaster. I couldn't believe that. It does. It does appear. It does appear. And how did you cut that dog's head off? That's the only thing. I love the movie, but I couldn't figure out.

Starting point is 02:08:59 Would you have a machete? How'd you do that? That was my one qualm with the movie. I did it with a, I did it with a fucking spoon, dude Oh shit Boring Okay, oh my god This your new catch phrase Fucking great there's some fucking 91 year old old man

Starting point is 02:09:22 Fucking open it up for my ass in Springfield, Missouri. Old man Willie, who I actually did love. But he was kind of sucking towards the end of one of the sets. And I said, BORING! And the guy literally fell over on the stage. He did? Yes. Are you serious? They had to take him away in an ambulance.

Starting point is 02:09:38 Are you serious? I'm not even kidding. No, it was horrible. So that's why maybe I should stop saying the boring thing. I literally think so. The guy literally got taken away in an ambulance. He hit his head really hard on the hard floor. I can never tell when you're being serious. Oh, yeah.

Starting point is 02:09:54 It wasn't good. I haven't gotten to talk with you since you did St. Louis this weekend. Old Man Willie? Old Man Willie. He's really 91? He's 91. he was doing great. There was one point in time though,

Starting point is 02:10:07 he got up and he did this horribly loud fart. And I just had to keep from smiling or laughing because I felt bad for him. But we just kept the conversation going like normal. But yeah. The road's a little crazy out there when you don't have your own people with you, huh? It is, yeah.

Starting point is 02:10:21 I got way too high before the second show on Friday night. I don't think the audience could tell, but I was freaking out, Tony. I was going full-fledged panic mode in my brain. It ended up being okay, I think. Boring! Okay. Okay.

Starting point is 02:10:37 Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay.

Starting point is 02:10:44 Okay. Okay. Okay. I don't disagree. William anything else you're passionate about before we put a ribbon on this thing tonight? Oh shit, Tony! Oh shit, he's fired up! God, I watched, what was it? It was a Robert De Niro movie last night with Edward Norton and Edward Norton is acting like this retarded guy the entire time they're breaking I can't even remember the name of the movie but I got score yeah the score brandos and I love to score now Tony hey what do you love

Starting point is 02:11:19 about it Edward Norton plays a really great retarded guy on it he really does and he's playing gun. I mean, he's doing it for three months, and they end up breaking into the thing. Can you do an impression of Edward Norton's performance as that character? I am gonna go. Pfft. Ha ha.

Starting point is 02:11:34 Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. And here, hold on, let me try to...

Starting point is 02:11:42 Uh oh, he's gotta go behind the curtain to start it. And here he is, ladies and gentlemen, you may remember him from the hit movie, Score, it's Edward Norton. Oh. Where's the trash can? Oh my God. Okay, ah, aboard, aboard, shit. Fucking nailed it, Tony. You fucking crushed that.

Starting point is 02:12:05 Mark Wahlberg, professional actor. I couldn't tell whether that was Edward Norton or Old Man Willie, the feature from St. Louis. What else, William, before we let you go? Oh my God, I did finish two puzzles. I finished two 500-piece puzzles in five days. What were in the puzzles? The real hard one.

Starting point is 02:12:25 I have, I've been doing a lot of scenes where it's kind of zoned out on, I don't know. I mean, the last one, the first one, no, the last one. Does anybody want to yell it or should I? How do you guys want to do this? So it was a, this was a great bar scene. There's a lot of shit going on. There's hammocks, weirdly enough.

Starting point is 02:12:46 There's literally, there's stuff in the sand. There's crabs. But the second puzzle was actually harder. It was like a zoomed in, gosh, it was a hodgepodge of stuff. It was this table with fucking little foods on it. It was... Well, I'm gonna do another puzzle tonight,

Starting point is 02:13:05 so nobody's gonna fucking stop me. I'm balls deep into a Meridiel. William, we love you. You did it again. You're unbelievable. Nice to be here. The legend of the game, William Montgomery. The drawing from Ryan J. E. Belt is in. Awesome.

Starting point is 02:13:23 Thank you, Cook Unity DraftraftKings, Game Time. How about one more time for the great Daniel Van Kirk, ladies and gentlemen. Go to YouTube slash Daniel Van Kirk Comedy and watch his brand new special, Rose Gold, everyone. Daniel Van Kirk. An unbelievable fucking time. Thank you so much.

Starting point is 02:13:43 I love you and it was great to see you again. Absolutely. How about one more time for the best band in the land. Nick Lewis on the bass. On the horns, Carlos Sosa, Raul Vallejo, and Fernando Castillo. Michael Gonzalez on the drums, Matt Mueling on the electric,

Starting point is 02:14:00 John Deans on the keys, Red Band. Check out the secret show every Thursday at thesunsetstrip.com. Yeah, absolutely. The stream still available right now for the LA Forum, the rematch between Hans Kim and Rick Diaz, a lot of your favorite stars of the show and historical figures and people performing it in an arena for the very first time.

Starting point is 02:14:27 Very exciting stuff happening and yeah, MSG in August. A lot of other fun announcements coming up as always at the end of those arena shows. So who knows what'll happen next. Thank you audience, we love you guys. Good night everybody everybody thank you I'm gonna to go to the bathroom. The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to SunsetStripATX.com for tickets. I'm gonna be a good boy. You Music you

KILL TONY - #662 - DANIEL VAN KIRK

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