KILL TONY - #664 - KAM PATTERSON + WILLIAM MONTGOMERY + CASEY ROCKET

Episode Date: May 21, 2024

William Montgomery, Casey Rocket, Kam Patterson, Hans Kim, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, Jon Deas, Matthew Muehling, Joe White, Kristie Nova, Yoni, Kino Loasis, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – 04/29/2024 GET YOUR TICKETS TO THE REPLAY LIVESTREAM OF KILL TONY LIVE IN L.A.. - KILLTONYLIVE.COM TONY HINCHCLIFFE @TONYHINCHCLIFE TONYHINCHCLIFFE.COM BRIAN REDBAN @REDBAN DEATHSQUAD.TV SUNSETSTRIPATX.COM Download the Gametime app, create an account, and use code KILLTONY for $20 off your first purchase. Secure your online data TODAY by visiting https://www.ExpressVPN.com/KILLTONY and you can get an extra three months FREE! Go to https://liquiddeath.com/TONY to check out all their healthy, infinitely recyclable beverages and find your closest retailer. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Death Squad.tv and now on Spotify and Apple Podcasts. If you want to check out Tony Hinchcliffe's website, go to TonyHinchcliffe.com. Everything Golden Pony, including his tour dates, at TonyHinchcliffe.com. If you want to check out the Sunset Strip or get some Death Squad merch go to DeathSquad.tv. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. I'm gonna go get some food. Hey, this is Red Red coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Give it up for Tony H. Glenn! ["Kill Tony H. Glenn"] Who's ready for the best fucking evening of their lives, huh? ["Kill Tony H. Glenn"] Yee-hee! Here we go! You made it, indeed. So the number one live podcast in the world. Make some noise for Brian Red Band, ladies and gentlemen. Hi! Brought to you by Game Time, Liquid Death, Connect Mobile Health,

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You guys ready to start tonight's show? How many of you watch every episode every fucking week? Well, you're in for a treat. This is a very, very, very special episode. We've done this before, but not with exactly these three human beings, because everything has changed. Everything has evolved. I present to you a bucket bizarre episode,

where we will get many bucket pulls out more than normal because your three guests tonight are the three regulars of Kill Tony. Here the entire episode I present William Montgomery, Cam Patterson and Casey Rockett. Oh shit! Ha ha! Yeah! The boys! Are sweet, sweet boys! William Montgomery, Cam Patterson,

and the one and only Casey motherfucking Rockin'! Yippee! Nobody knows the show better than these three gentlemen. William Hall of Famer, record holder for most appearances on the show. In the show's history, how are you doing tonight, my sweet William? Tony, I didn't know if we were allowed to touch the microphones yet.

No, I'm doing good. I was in St. Louis this past weekend, and it took me 15 hours to get back yesterday, and I took an airplane. I didn't even drive. It was 15 hours. You had layovers. Layover city yesterday. You took the cheapest flight you could find, didn't you? Uh, yes.

Very thrifty man, William, is. A little behind-the-scenes information for you. He-he-he-he. Uh, 15 hours worth of layovers. That's like a two-hour flight. The man William is, a little behind the scenes information for you. He he he he. 15 hours worth of layovers. That's like a two and a half hour direct flight. But you wanted, what was the, how much did you pay for your ticket? I think I paid like $100 or something, so it was very cheap. So you saved about $5 an hour from buying the direct flight.

That's good. International superstar saving about $75 in the sacrifice of 10 hours. That's absolutely incredible. The great and powerful Cam Patterson is here, ladies and gentlemen. The man, the myth, the legend, always rocking a brand-new white T-shirt. Life is good. Cam, how you feeling? Good, man. I'm happy to be back on the myth, the legend, always rocking a brand new white t-shirt.

Life is good. Cam, how you feeling? Good, man. I'm happy to be back on the panel, man. I'm excited. It's shit fun. Absolutely. Always fun.

We always have fun together. And his first time on panel, ladies and gentlemen, crazy to see him sitting still. This is the one and only Casey Rocket, everybody. Yeah! There he is, live in the flesh. There he is. There he is. That's the guy I know. Yeah, very uncomfortable. It'll be fun.

It'll be okay, right, Cam? Okay. Okay, we're good. I love it. Sitting still is the equivalent to, like, a bad mushroom trip for Kaycee. We're gonna be okay, right? I can do this. It's okay. We're gonna have fun tonight. You guys know how the show works. An entire giant bucket of comedians

has signed up for tonight's festivities. I pre-pull one of these names, and they go wrangle them from the bar across the street. And, uh, that's that. The rest is history. You guys ready to start tonight's show? Oh, yeah. How could I forget? I've been doing this 11 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 You know their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. They have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry of us Hollywood bear. Who's ready to start tonight's show? Getting tonight's show started.

America's favorite uncle. You know him. You love him. Make some noise for David Jolly, ladies and gentlemen. How y'all doing tonight? White people in Puerto Rico! Hell yeah. Today my birthday, I just turned 43. Hell yeah. I realize we get Generation Z like a lot of shit, you know what I mean? Because y'all was raised like on the internet and stuff.

We didn't have the internet growing up. You know who raised us? It was PBS. And we ain't had no business watching that shit either. Remember the Magic School Bus? Everybody on that bitch was on acid. That bitch made Frizzle One number the goddamn hippie, man. I bet that bitch had a bush on that beaver. Bush a beaver, bitch. She ain't teachin' them kids nothin'.

I ain't see no syllabus, no notebook, no nothin'. All they doin' is flyin' in and out of frogs' assholes all damn day. It's your freaky ass out here, Miss Frizz. Then they gave us a gay agenda, nothin' against gay people, but we were too young to know about gay people at that age. Remember the first gay couple on PBS? Bert and Ernie.

Ha ha ha ha. Them niggas was homosexuals. The real kind too with the dick in the booty, you know what I mean? The real fucking kind. I remember one episode they had Ernie on there, right? He got a rubber duck, he just having a good old time. He go, Bert freak ass and bust in the bathroom.

Hey, Ernie, hey. Hey, how you doing there, big boy? You got a lot of muscles on you, don't you? Yeah. Need a little help with that lower back? Then they cut the commercial, all your ears. Yeah, yeah, you little twink bitch, yeah. All right, I'm sorry.

Thank y'all. Apologizing to the streets of Sesame. David Jolly with a brand new minute and a half to get it started. We sent the bear away. We wanted to hear where you were going with this Bert and Ernie Gay joke. Absolutely fun, incredible stuff.

Thank you, David. How do you feel? Shit, I feel good. It's really your birthday? It's your 43rd birthday right now? Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Oh yeah, my bad. I forgot about the microphone.

Yeah, you're on the show. I forgot about that part. On national TV, bitch. Someone's back on crack again. You gotta love to see it. Get your ass out of here, man. You are that bullshit, Tony. You are the oldest looking 43 year old

I've ever seen in my entire life. Thank you. Hey, you only got six months, motherfucker. No, it's- You better get that Botox. It's two months before I'm 40, not 43. No, I'm just saying, but you suck at math. Y'all white people skiing be horrible as hell.

You got about three more years. You look 75, David. No, I don't. Shut the fuck up. No, I don't. Yes, you do. You look like David Jolly's grandfather. Hey, white lady, I look pretty good, don't I?

I bet you I can fuck one of these white women out here. Oh, my God. Shit, I might fuck one of them. It's my birthday, too. I'm doing that shit for Martin Luther King, motherfucker. Cam Patterson. We should find one for him to fuck. What?

We should find one for him to fuck. Nah, man, no, I don't need no help. He'll find his own. I might have to rent one. Shit get real out here bitches, it's my birthday. Happy birthday. Okay, thank you Redman. Jesus Christ. The old demented birthday song. Where did you find that? It's the creepiest soundboard I've ever...

What is that? Happy birthday. Jesus Christ. Special ed kids. I'm not sure if you're a special ed kid. I'm not sure if you're a special ed kid. I'm not sure if you're a special ed kid. I'm not sure if you're a special ed kid.

I'm not sure if you're a special ed kid. I'm not sure if you're a special ed kid. I'm not sure if you're a special ed kid. I'm not sure if you're a special ed kid. I'm not sure if you're a special ed kid. I'm not sure if you're a special ed kid. I'm not sure if you're a special ed kid. I'm not sure if you're a special ed kid. I'm not sure if you're a special ed kid. I'm not sure if you're a special ed kid. I'm not sure if you're a special ed kid. Where did you find that? The creepiest soundboard I've ever... What is that? Happy birthday!

Man, some special ed kids. Jesus Christ, yeah. There's some slow kids singing that mother... Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha How have you been celebrating so far? Shit, I just got out off a plane, you know, I'm just chilling, you know, we hanging out, man. We at the greatest kind of club in the world, you know? Yeah, that's enough celebration enough, you know? Yeah, we hanging out. Hell yeah. That's it, you know, the usual.

Probably did some jokes in the little boy tonight. You know how it roll. I love the green shirt. Were you playing at the Masters? Nah, it's a nice shirt, ain't it? I got it from the Nanacar there. The shirt says you were playing the Masters Masters? Nah, it's a nice shirt, ain't it? I got it from the Nanaka. The shirt says you were playing the Masters, the face says you have a Master.

That was good. Oh. That was good. That was good. Oh. That was good. That was good. Slave face.

That was good. All right, that's gonna be edited out for sure. Oh. He's laughing, it's his birthday. Yeah, it's a joke, it's a joke, man. It's a joke. Never called anybody slave face before, but I'm feeling a little comfortable tonight. It was good, it was alright. That was a good one. I ain't have a comeback because I'm high as hell, you know what I mean? That's why I don't ever come back. I be like, fuck you,

Tony. I don't have no comeback. I'm higher than a motherfucker. You're doing just good. What are you high on? Marijuana. Okay, good. Yeah. I don't drink no comedy, I'm higher than a motherfucker. You're doing just good. What are you high on? Marijuana. OK, good. Yeah, I don't drink no more. Right. How did you replace your drinking? You were so-

With sweets, with a whole lot of sugar. I'm pretty sure I got diabetes now. I be eating like a fucking pint of ice cream a night. I just get like the shakes. I be down there at sunset. I be in the green room with all kind of shit, fucking chocolate all on my face. Well yeah, Red Band's Comedy Club probably has a lot of sweets there I'm guessing.

A lot of chocolates. Yup. And you're also, which is crazy because you're made of chocolate, is something correct? Yup. Yup, chocolate. 99. Hershey's dark chocolate. That's right.

None of that white chocolate shit. I ain't racist I'm just saying no offense white people you know. That shit sounded racist you gotta watch yourself I ain't trying to get counsel you know. You guys all know David you guys like his set tonight what do we think anything crazy anybody? I thought it was great. Thank you man appreciate that Casey. Good to see you brother. I did want to say, a lot has happened since then, but you were talking about Miss Frizzle's

bush. Yeah, that bitch got a bush, man. I'm telling you. She look like her hygiene ain't really up to date. You know what I mean? Yeah, she's nasty. What is it? Because she has red hair, David?

What are you trying to say? I mean, seriously, immediately I'm thinking Miss Frizzle has red hair, David? What are you trying to say? I mean, seriously, immediately I think of Ms. Frizzle has red hair. Is that what it is? No, I mean, it's just that dress she wear every fucking episode, you know what I mean? So it ain't no way she putting no water on that goddamn crabby patty down there, you know what I mean? What's wrong with wearing the same clothes, nigga? What's wrong with wearing the same clothes every day?

Hey, I ain't got, hey man, you all right, man. I ain't got nothing to say about that. I just seen you wash them pants. I don't know what you're talking about. I don't know what you're talking about. I don't know what you're talking about. I don't know what you're talking about. I don't know what you're talking about, I ain't got, hey man, you all right, man. I ain't got nothing to say about that. I just seen you wash them pants, though. You know what I mean?

I ain't never seen that bitch put nothing in the washer. They just flying out of fucking frau's assholes all damn day. You know what I mean? Absolutely. You had some real racist shit to say, right? It was a good one. You should have let it go, baby. Go ahead. What are you talking about? How shit to say, right? It was a good one. You should've let it go, baby. Go ahead.

What are you talking about? How do you know what I have in my head? I'm looking in your eyes. You're so high, you think you know what I'm gonna say? All right, I'm sorry, Tony. I apologize. My bad. It's okay. Willie, anything for David Jolly? I mean, if you want to see what her pubes look like,

I could show you after this shit right here. I could stick my penis in between my legs, and it looks like he read a tickerle's book. Sam, I love you. David, way to get the show started with a bang. Thank you so much. Appreciate it. Happy birthday.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Happy birthday. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday! Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday! Alright, here we go. We've pre-pulled a name, and your first bucket pull of the night goes by the name of Remi S. Weiss, or Remi Swice even perhaps. Make some noise for Remy. 60 seconds uninterrupted for Remy Swice.

Mother ship, what up? Woo! Hell yeah. Recently became a sugar daddy. Oh, it's not because I'm rich. It's because I'm pre-diabetic and my nuts come out. Honey roasted. Ha ha.

Ha ha ha. Yeah. My name is Wilford Bremley, and I got Jezebetis. I got that hyperglycemin. Started dating a furry recently. Can you believe this chick, anybody guess what kind of animal she'd like to dress up as? Just guess.

Great guess, no. Great guess, no. A possum. She don't dress up like a possum. Yeah, sex is terrible. Every time I want to bang, she just lays on the ground and plays dead till I leave her. Cunt. Can you believe that?

Dang. Yeah, stop listening to women two weeks ago. I'm done, yeah. Yeah, everything they say could be argued as misinformation. Yeah, right? say could be argued as misinformation. Yeah, right? How come every time you put miss in front of something, it fucks it up completely, right?

Misinformation, miscalculation, right? Now you can't say mister, because every time you do that, it makes things cooler, like mister information, mister calculation. My name's Remy Swice, appreciate it. Okay, Remy Swice, right in the nick of time. I could hear the bear inhaling to roar there.

Remy, welcome to the show. Thanks for having me. You know who else plays dead? The audience during your set. Welcome to the show, you giant sperm, look at you. Oh, you like that. This is you. Oh, you like that. This is incredible. How long you been doing stand-up, Remy?

First time I did open mic was 2006. Okay, and then what happened? You stopped until just now, hopefully? Yeah, just recently, yeah. Got back into it a couple years ago and decided to move down here and see what happens. Okay, where'd you move from? Oklahoma City.

Thank you for asking. You're welcome for asking. You're not gonna need to do that after every question I ask you. So you made the big move to do standup, you moved to Austin for standup comedy. Correct sir. Okay, I love it.

What do you do for a living? How do you make money? Well, I got a job at Tesla right now, but I was into weed business for about five years before I came down here. Well, you just lost your job at Tesla. No. What do you mean?

Elon's cool, he's all about free speech. I know, I'm just kidding. I'm just joking. But the weed thing was something else. What did you do in the weed business? Mostly business to business sales, but I got to work in a laboratory and make a bunch of stuff. Okay.

Yep. All right. Like edibles and weed pens and all kinds of stuff like that. Wow, a laboratory. Look at you, you went from breaking bad to making bad jokes. Science, bitch. Okay.

All right. Remy, very, very interesting stuff. What do you do for fun? Tell us more about you. I like to drive, believe it or not. Yeah. Driving, I love racing and stuff like that. So if you know anybody with some fast ass cars

that need to be pushed to the limit, I'd be more than happy to like do it again. Yeah, I would totally love for you to drive my super fast car. There's nobody I would trust more than somebody who's making Wilford Brimley references in 2024. Cam Patterson.

Who is that? Yeah, it's, exactly. He literally hasn't done anything since you've been out of the womb, but he used to do diabetes commercials, and what was he, like the Quaker oatmeal guy or something? Right? He was like, yeah, it was all about oatmeal that mulling our senior oatmeal correspondent knows

all about oatmeal I Am interested in you what else what are we missing here other than fast cars Remy what else what's something that's kind of like Maybe you it's like a guilty pleasure You know? I'll leave that to your imagination. No, no you won't. You're on the show, you signed up. No, I like to stay busy.

I like to make people laugh. And I like to drive a bunch. I like to travel. I mean, learn languages, how about that? What kind of languages do you know? Well, I speak English, Arabic, and Spanish, and I know how to say thank you in like 12 other languages. Wow.

Yeah, hello, this and that, yeah. Oh my God. That fucking impressive? Only thank you, nigga, that's it? You don't need much. Okay, maybe it is impressive, fuck y'all, okay. Yeah. Casey, what do you think about this?

Can you do it? Do it, with the 12 ones. Yeah. Yeah. 12, okay. Oh, you can't. No, no, no. Allow me. Allow me. I gotta start. I gotta start. Alright. French is Mercy. And Farsi is Mercy as well. So there's

two. And I'm gonna count them. Arabic is Shukran. Right? German, Don Quixin. Right? Obrigado is Portuguese, Gracious is Spanish, Seixian is Chinese, Origato is Japanese. Can you say I'm bombing in different languages? Ha ha ha ha!

Learning it right now. Fun, fun, fun, fun. How do normal comedy sets go for you? High energy, I come out, if I have an option to go first, I like to go first and like, get going. What ethnicity are you? I'm Middle Eastern by descent, both my parents are from Jordan. Wow, my goodness, and you like, you're a high energy guy.

100%. High energy Middle Easterner. That's incredible. I'm more of an Okie than anything. You're like KC Carbomb. What do you do with the energy? I don't really see you being a high-energy guy. Can you give us an example of what you do? Perhaps a crab walk or something like that? KC you're our high energy do it. Y'all gonna make a big deal about me stealing Casey's joke? Oh, it was a steal. Wait, but one time you said jizzabedies. That was cool.

Yeah, it means a lot. I was sitting on that for a minute. And hyper glycemon. Who's saying that? Right. That was funny. Wow. Interesting stuff. What's your love life like? Yeah, it's I I go I'm very direct these days.

And if you're not trying to start a family, I'm very direct these days, and if you're not trying to start a family, I'm just like, yeah, I'm not trying to mess with you. What? Yeah, pretty much. So you just go right up to women, like can I come inside of you? Yeah, 100%. 100%, they know I'm gonna, girls are gonna knock them up.

Unvaccinated, by the way. Uh-oh. Just throw it all out there. Wow, you look quadruple boosted. Yeah, hell yeah. All them rhinos. Okay. Red band has pulled up 12 different ways to say you're bombing.

Yeah. Estoy fracasando. Look at the Mexicans cracking up over there. They're dying. Je suis en train de faire un vida. French. That was pretty good. It's a match to the flop. I'll make a life. French. That was pretty good. It's German.

There you go. There you go. I'm having a fiasco. Yeah, sure. I know those words. I bet you do. I bet you fucking do. Well, we're going to show you some mercy and get you out of here nice and quickly with

a tiny joke book. Hey, look at that. You made it. Boom. Congratulations. Well, we're gonna show you some mercy and get you out of here nice and quickly with a tiny joke book. Hey, look at that! You made it. Boom. Congratulations.

Hey, thanks a lot. Y'all have a good night. Remy Swice making his Kill Tony debut. 2006. Oh, what the fuck is that? That's fucking 17. Oh my God, he started before me. Oh my god. Oh my god that's a year before me. Oh my god. I'm gonna kill myself. Hey y'all, this podcast is indeed sponsored by Game Time. I absolutely love going to concerts and live events. I mean I just bought a ticket the other day to go to the greatest roast of all time, the roast of Tom Brady. There's a lot of fun sitting in the audience and you know, buying tickets sometimes be hard. Game time makes getting tickets for concerts and events faster and easier. Even if you don't buy tickets right away, prices on the game time app actually

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You've seen how this can go. It's not easy, folks. You just saw an 18-year veteran up here do his best minute. And now we're going to see the stylings of A. Armstrong. A. Armstrong. Oh, hell yeah. You know, on Kill Tony, when you sign up, you have to write your full name. So like, nobody believed that my name was A. The first time I signed up was at the HEB

Arena, and I remember like, she finally like, checked my ID, and she went, holy shit, your name is A. It's the difference between a chicken fried steak and a country fried steak. A chicken fried steak is like breaded and a country fried steak is in breaded. There's this dude that walks around like Congress in front of 7-eleven and I swear every day I've I seen and he only says four words and it's like hey can I have a dollar right so like I see this guy every day and I started like making fun of him in front of my girlfriend and you

know she was like we would laugh about it but I felt bad about it one day I had some money so I decided to go see the guy and you know like felt bad about making fun of him so I'd give him a dollar. And he said different words this time. He finally said, hey, you got two dollars? Oh. Oh, yeah.

A. Armstrong, welcome to the show. I'm excited about this. A, how are you? Up here, A. I see you're very easily distracted. A must be short for ADD. Yeah, I like that one, I love it. For those of you that haven't noticed yet,

A literally has an A tattooed on his face. You wanna turn towards the audience, show them that? Oh yeah. Yeah, that's the side that it's on. I'm a branding genius. Brand yourself. I love it branding genius. Brand yourself. I love it. Kill the name.

Yes, indeed. Casey Rocket. What does that shirt mean? Oh, it's a local band in Austin. It's called Rickshaw Billy's Burger Patrol. But people got sick of saying it, so they made a shirt like this. Casey is immediately becoming one of my favorite panelists

ever, by the way. Casey's awesome. What the fuck is that? There's so much we have to get to, A Armstrong. Let's get through it. One of the parts of your set, you said that the guy only says four words. You proceeded to say six words after that.

I'm high as shit. Oh, that's everybody's excuse tonight. Except for Remi Swice was completely sober, everybody. Yeah, right. I love it. What are you high on today? Just weed, just weed. I own some weed, yeah. What made you get A, tattooed on your face?

I really had just gone through a divorce, and I was a big little peep fan, and he said something. You were? Yeah, well, I am peep fan, and he said something. You were? Yeah, well, I am. I am. He died, so he... How are you a big little peep fan? You're a white guy. Am I correct?

I know. I love little peeps. You're just a straight white... You're a straight white male. Am I correct? Yes. Yes. You're not Latino. Well, no, I'm half Mexican. Half Mexican. Okay, that makes sense. That's why only half your face is tattooed. Ha-ha- ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha You're an intern at a Goodwill? Yeah. It's a dope job.

Do you have to pay them for that job? I would. It's easy. Wait a second. What? Did they pay you for that? Yeah. Okay.

I get paid. Have you been to prison before? No, no, no. No? No, no. I just believe in myself. I thought we covered this. We went through this already, Tony.

What does an intern at the Goodwill office do exactly? I help people in the computer lab, so I help homeless people find jobs and shit. Aww. Yeah. Wow. Thank you. Hell yeah. A fan favorite here. The debut of A.R. Strong.

I'm lovable. That's amazing. How long have you lived in Austin? Since October. So I think that's like now. Okay. Where did you live before that? Miami, Florida.

Oh, okay. It's all coming together now. Yeah, face tattoo, knuckle tattoos. Yeah. Yeah, I'm Florida as fuck. What were you doing in Miami? Huh? What were you doing for work in Miami?

I was a... I was a... I was a... I was a... I was a... I was a... Oh, okay. It's all coming together now. Yeah, face tattoo, knuckle tattoos. Yeah, what were you doing in Miami? Huh? What were you doing for work in Miami? I was a, I worked at a, like, for a company called Siemens, don't laugh. It's a big company. It's a big company.

Anyway, I was like an air conditioning tech. I went to school for like five years. You went to school for five years for what? To figure out I hated doing HVAC and I like telling jokes. I love it. I love your energy. You seem like such a nice guy. What else do you do?

What do you do for fun? I really just hang around comedy clubs all the time. Yeah, all the time. You get in a lot of spots? I'm not really, but I've made my own show. So like, I wasn't getting booked, so I decided to start booking myself. That's the fucking way to do it, buddy.

I call it the A list, it's next door. I love it. It's Shakespeare's? Yeah. Very cool. That's amazing. I love it. William?

Wait, why do you call it the A list? I'm kidding, you have that fucking thing on your face. I see why. Holy shit. It's short for ADD. Oh, I see. You already took that for your own. I love it.

He's half white, half Carlos Mencia. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Hell yeah. Hell yeah. Hey, what's your love life like? My girl had to go to Detroit to take care of her father because he's dying.

So I'm only going to be here for another month. With a black girl? I'm moving up there. No, no, no. She's white. Oh, okay. She's white. Yeah, she's beautiful. Okay, all right. I love her. Nobody said you were fucking dating a fucking monster

or anything like that. How long have you been with her? Like six months. Okay. Yeah. All right. And you've been giving her that fucking goodwill, huh? I'm making an impact.

You're making her what? I'm making an impact. Okay. Sorry, I lost my voice last week. Hell yeah. Okay. How'd you lose your voice? Making fun of people in the back of the creek.

Oh, shit. It was fun. I should have been there. I probably should have. It gets wild back there sometimes. I know, I know. I love you, Rebecca. Rebecca's great. The creek is great. We love everybody. Wow. Tell us, like, what's the craziest thing

that's happened to you in your life? You seem so interesting. You seem like you've really... Well, I was born in Japan, so I started out in an interesting, like, being born on a small island. Oh, do you know how to say thank you in Japanese? I thought you covered that with Remy. No, you didn't know that one. No, uh... He doesn't know how to say, I'm bombing in Japanese, but he does know how to say, they're

bombing us in Japanese. Okay. So tell us, you just got that. Fuck yeah. It was a super dope joke. Yes, absolutely. Indeed it was. So what were you saying?

Interesting thing about... Oh, all right, all right. So I was born on an Air Force base, Kadena Air Force base in Okinawa, Japan. And at the same time, there really wasn't many kids. So there was a monkey that was born like in a tree right by my back fence. And she had a baby at the same time my mom had a baby.

And they let us play together. And that was my best friend. That was my best friend for a year and a half. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's fucking go! Yeah! Yeah! An instant legend.

Playing your best friend was a monkey the first two years of your life? It's true, it's true. I believe it, I really do. I do a monkey impersonation, you wanna see it? Yes. Yes. Yes.

Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.

Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Thank you very much. Wow. We're in the house tonight. Oh, my goodness.

Look at this. One of those magical kill-Tony moments. Can I get a golden ticket? I think I deserve it. Whoa, whoa, whoa there. And it all comes crashing down. Can I get a golden ticket? Ha ha ha ha. I think I deserve it. Whoa, whoa, whoa there. And it all comes crashing down.

Ha ha ha ha. Uh, Red Band, anything you want to say to this guy? No? Uh, no, our air conditioning's fine at the sunset. Ha ha ha ha. Damn. Wow. If you only came out wearing a wig.

I got beautiful hair. You'd be booked on this secret show. Oh, shit. Look at that. I'm an old man and I still got nice hair. Yeah. You're like a turtle from Entourage that did meth. This is incredible.

What a stud. A. Armstrong, anything else we should know about you before I throw you this buck? Uh, man, I fucking love Austin. This is my city. I love Austin. God damn right. Anything else for A. Armstrong panel? We good? Casey? One thing, you kind of glossed over, uh, what? He said, uh,

I've never been to prison, I just believe in myself. Which is a great line, that's awesome. Yeah. How did I miss that? You are spot on. What did you mean by that exactly? I had to explain to you that I believe in myself, that's why I tattooed my name on my face.

Oh, I love that. It's a branding idea. I love that. You have other tattoos? What do your hands say? Fuck you. Oh, Jesus Christ. Exclamation mark. God damn, I love that. You have other tattoos? What do your hands say? Fuck you. Oh, Jesus Christ.

Exclamation mark. Goddamn, I can't believe you have three words tattooed on your hands like that. I got a tattoo for free. It's, uh, Miss Piggy Frying Bacon, and it says, Don't Judge Me. You want to see it? Yeah.

Oh. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh my God. Wow. Casey? Why is it so big? It hurt like a motherfuck. Oh my God. Well, A.R.M. A. Armstrong, you know, you're a fucking real person.

It's unbelievable the different shapes and sizes of people that we get in here. I like your fucking style. You seem like a genuinely cool guy. It's amazing to think that you've come this far being raised by monkeys and whatnot. I like your style. Here's a big joke book. Congratulations on a great Kiltunnel. It's amazing to think that you've come this far being raised by monkeys and whatnot Here's a big joke, but congratulations on a great kill Tony debut That is the arrival of a Armstrong How about a hand for the band, huh Keep it going for your next bucket full, ladies and gentlemen. Solomon Craft!

Here is Solomon Craft. I've been clean for two months now. Thanks. By clean, I mean I'm not using fluoride toupees. Yeah, I used to be a real degenerate. This one time I was driving drunk across a, and I thought it'd be funny to hit every single construction zone cone with my car. The next day, I woke up in a panic. I was like, fuck.

Then I thought, wasn't the booze that caused this reckless behavior? It's because I brushed my teeth with Crest this morning. Another time, I was in Colombia on a three-day coke bender, and these ladies wanted more money. I refused, so they beat the shit out of me. The cops got involved. It wasn't very good, but I was in Colombia on a three-day coke bender, and these ladies wanted more money. I refused, so they beat the shit out of me. The cops got involved. It wasn't very good.

And it wasn't because I had grippling addiction problems. It was because I brushed my teeth with Crest that morning. That's why every time I'm having sex with a girl, and she looks up at me and stops and says, did you just come inside me? I'm like, oh, shit, babe, sorry. I brushed my teeth of fluoride this morning. Thanks, that's my time.

Okay, Solomon Craft. Is it craft or craft? Craft, like macarons. Gotcha, yep. Welcome to the show, Solomon. How long you been doing standup? Three weeks, just moved here. Okay, you started here in Austin?, and where'd you move from a?

Fucking canoe in the Bahamas or something Somewhat accurate I've been on a month long or a year-long motorcycle trip through South America, so I just got back here Okay, yeah, it makes sense. You look like a guy Your long motorcycle trip through South America. Yeah. How's that been going for you? Uh, it was going pretty good. Uh, yeah. With some crazy shit that you saw. How many times did you get robbed?

Uh, actually I got robbed zero times, but like I said, I did get beat up by some escorts in Colombia. Um, yeah, some stuff like that. Like, women? Women, yes. Escorts? Escorts, yeah. Yeah, so how like that. Like, women? Women, yes. Escorts? Escorts, yeah. Yeah, so how did that go down? Well, I was sober for a month, right?

I've been going in and out of sobriety, and I was like, let's do a month long sober in Medellin, Columbia, which is kind of hard. And then I broke sobriety and went on a three-day coke bender. And these escorts beat the shit out of me. Why did they decide to beat the shit out of you? Because they wanted more money, and I was like,

I'm not going to give you more money. You guys should leave. And then they got aggressive. They wanted me to leave the apartment. And I knew if I left the apartment with them, I would have gotten robbed or killed. So I stayed in, and they started hitting me. Yeah. in and they started hitting me yeah so with their fists yeah yeah with their fists oh they're on the back side of your head on the head yeah chest yeah wow my god how big were they oh they were much smaller than me not their thighs and ass but was it everything else what's that was it hot at all? Like... I was, yeah, I was panicking.

I was panicking. Like I said, the cops got involved. But only three days of a Coke bender in Columbia. Only three days, yeah. You look like you've only been off a Coke bender in Columbia for three days. It's accurate. It is absolutely incredible.

Do you play musical instruments with a face and head like that? No, I do not. Nothing at all. Do you play musical instruments with a face and head like that? No, I do not. Nothing at all. Do you have any special skills or talents? Uh, not in the musical nature, no. What other nature might you have talents in? Um, I don't know.

I spent six years in the Navy. I was in special warfare, Naval Special Warfare. So I drove the boats for the SEALs and stuff like that. Wow. Where did you drive the boats at? Uh, Stennis, Mississippi. So. Where'd you drive the boats at? Stennis, Mississippi. So that's where all the river boats are.

You were fighting wars in Mississippi? Yeah. Amazing. Wow. Yep. My goodness. What's the craziest thing that happened out there on the bayous of Mississippi?

Nothing crazy on the bayou, but I did do two deployments, and I thought I was gonna go to, like, Iraq or Afghanistan, but I went to Dominican Republic and Thailand. So I had 14 months of vacation time. It was pretty good. Yeah. This is crazy, because you're kind of fulfilling

exactly the, like, the jokes that I made about you when I first started talking to you. I said, canoes in fucking Bahamas, and you were on a naval ship in Thailand, and... We were on land. So we bring the boats, we're on land the whole time. So we're with, like, the Army Green Berets, the Thai Green Berets.

Okay, so in Thailand, any ladyboy action there? Oh, yeah. Yeah, tell us about that. Let's get into that, any ladyboy action there? Oh yeah. Yeah, tell us about that. Let's get into that a little bit. Let's talk about it. So I knew this would come up, so I didn't do any- Did you bring a presentation of something? Yeah, so, guy in the back,

if you can bring out the presentation. No, so I didn't, a few of us did mess around with some ladyboys in Thailand. I won't mention their names, but since I'm up here, when I was in Germany, I did mess around with a trans woman. Yeah, let's talk about that. Yeah, so again, cocaine was involved and alcohol.

I went to a whore house in Munich, Germany, and I was with this nice, fine young lady from Italy or something, and then this trans- transgender lady comes over and she's like, can I come too? And I was like, no, no, no, no. And then I went back in... Did you tell that she was transgender? Yeah, no, you could tell, but she looked very feminine. She was very beautiful.

How could you tell if she looked very feminine and very beautiful? Just like the Adam's apple, you know, some of the jawline, like... But you were with a beautiful Italian girl, you said, and you were leaving, and the trans-German girl says, can I go with you? Yeah, she wanted to do a threesome, and at first I was like, no, but then I went in the room, snorted a couple lines of Coke, and I was like,

hey, let's get that girl back. Right, yeah, exactly. Yeah, yeah, so... That's not even a threesome, it's kind of a foursome. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's kinda like having a chick, a chick, and another dude. Yeah. And you.

Yeah. That's a lot, that's a lot of parties. Yeah. Two sets of tits, two sets of dicks. It's a wild threesome, that's fuckin', the math on that is insane. I lost count, so. Yeah, absolutely. So you're sucking her cock.

What? What? What? And then what happens? So I laid down some ground rules when she came back. Oh yeah, of course. Nothing better than lines of blow and ground rules, sure. Listen up.

Yeah. No, I said, I was like, hey listen, I was like, you keep your clothes on, all right? This is, let me just say, this is the greatest disguise I've ever seen Uncle Lazer do in my entire life. This is absolutely incredible that we found Uncle Lazer's Colombian cousin. Ha ha ha ha.

That's exactly what he would do. I don't know what you want me to say here, Tony, but we were having a good old time. It was a good old time, relax. Okay, so keep going with the story. I'm sorry to keep interrupting, but you're a little thunderball of entertainment here. So she came in, I was like, okay, listen,

keep your clothes on. You can suck. Wait, this is one of your ground rules? Keep your clothes on? Because I didn't want I was like, okay listen keep your clothes on you can wait This is one of your ground rules Cuz I didn't want to be like she takes it off and they're like, oh no You're actually a guy and be turned off So I was like you got the the real girl can take her clothes off that stuff And then you didn't let her even take her top off the one. No part no boobs. She did Yeah, she had fake boobs

beliefs or like Did she have boobs? She did, yeah. She had fake boobs? I believe so. Or like medically induced boobs of some kind. Yeah, something like that. But you told her keep that top on. Yep. So, and yeah, she sucked me off, so. And then what? Hey. Hey.

It's a cocaine, all right? This is unbelievable. It's like, okay, here's some ground rules. Keep your clothes on, suck my dick, let's go. Your rules are absolutely incredible. This is like the XFL or something like that. What was wrong with the girl's mouth? You know, like the female's mouth.

Yeah, what was up with the beautiful Italian girl? She's just watching like, uh, Merico Vespucci. I think we're like like, making out. Well, yeah. Right. You're making out. You're like, totally a woman, uh. Yeah, yeah.

I'm not gay. Right. Not gay at all. Nothing gay about that. Totally got to keep everyone's clothes on. Every... Everyone knows that if the clothes are on, it ain't gay. Yeah. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. William Montgomery. I am just so curious. Everyone knows that if the clothes are on, it ain't gay. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Was this all happening on the bed, or did you take her for a floor ride? Hello.

Hello. These are toothpaste jokes. Hell yeah, you didn't see her butt at all, the old Colgate? Two more toothpaste trans jokes. Not easy. Got to write them now. Did not have these prepared. Not easy at all. So,

genderpsy in her tube? Negative on the transgender girl. So, her clothes stayed on the whole time? They did, yeah. And then you and the Italian girl, did you guys have sex in front of the trans German? It's it gets pretty blurry from the half like yeah you got butt fuck dude you got butt fuck welcome to another episode of you got butt fuck there it is there's Red Band's three fart sound effects for this episode a very special blasting off for Solomon craft very very interesting now Solomon before we let go, anything else crazy we should know about you? I mean, I feel like there's probably a fucking plethora. Yeah, no, I mean, there's a ton of stories and stuff,

but, yeah, no, I've been here for three weeks, and I've been having great times. Three weeks? Let me tell you, your minute was a little bit fucking lackluster. I'm sure the nerves got to you a bit. You've really loosened up since being here. Your interview was incredible. Fun times.

Here's a big joke book. You saved it with the interview. Thanks. Sign up again. Sign up again. You know, normally I would go to the bucket at this point, but since in a wild, wild, strange turn of events, the bucket of destiny has guided us in a direction

where I do indeed right now get to introduce Solomon Craft's long lost country cousin. Here with a brand new minute, this is Uncle Lazer. Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! They travel in tandem. They pull up to a yard in their huffy mountain bikes, the finest silks from the JCPenney's. Singing songs and praising their Lord Tom Cruise.

Yeah. And I'm like, listen, Ezekiel, okay? I don't give a fuck about the guy from Mission Impossible. Do you want to go polish off last night's eight ball with me? Ezekiel stepped up the challenge. We stayed up all night in my garage till the sun came up talking about, you know, the Underground Railroad, and that was actually underground the whole time,

you know? Right? That morning, when he got on that bicycle and bid me a good-bye, he had the best bike ride of his life to the top of that damn hill. But colors were brighter, the air tasted sweeter. He must've got confident. He must've let Jesus take the wheel. Cause on the way down through that hill,

he blew past a SOPS sign and he got hit by a Greyhound bus. The Lord works in mysterious ways. My name's Uncle Lazer, thank you. Uncle Lazer with a brand new minute. Uncle Lazer, how's it going? You know, fucking throwing fucking bad dick at even worse people, you know what I'm saying? That's right.

There he goes, reaching for his zen. What do you guys think? Casey. Are you sad? Are you sad? Casey's sad. Good question, are you sad? Are you sad? Are you sad? Casey's sad. Good question. Are you sad? Are you sad? You do seem a little bit down.

Listen, guys. I was in Chicago this past weekend. And after the show I stumbled into a McDonald's and I saw a nice young lady sitting under a picture of Grimace at the fall of Berlin. What? And I sat down next to her, stroke up a little conversation with her.

Next thing I know, she tells me she's got a couple rocks for sale. One thing leads to another, and we get to her house. She's one of them Midwestern gals, big meat, potato kind of gal, right? The rocks end up being crack. We made endless love all night.

She kept going, don't stop, don't stop. And at one point, all I could say was, bitch, I ain't ever gonna stop! And then as I came, I wasn't even with a woman. I was actually jerking off the Tony Inchulis Vanity Magazine cover. My Lord. What a treat that was, huh?

Unbelievable. No, I'm doing great, Casey! He pre-wrote a joke that hit all of us in his head. I wrote it in the green room. I was gonna do it up here, but I was like, ah, I never ran it before. I was like, fuck it. There you go.

Look at you out here taking chances. I'm actually gay. We believe you. We believe you. We already knew that. There was a guy up here before you that was with a full set of fucking powerful hair and beard talking about doing blow and fucking trans people.

And it was like you. Yeah, well, I gave that shit up for Lint ever since I joined that Mormon community or Jehovah Witnesses or whatever they are. You guys all know Uncle Lazer, Cam. Hit him with the dog, man. We locked in, man. You wanna tell him about it or what?

Don't say it like that. That sound crazy. You wanna tell him about it? Hey, that's fucking, that sounds insane. You wanna tell him about it? You wanna tell him about it? I think we should talk about it. That sound fucking crazy, bro. Me and Uncle Lazer did mushrooms a couple of weeks ago.

We got locked in the elevator for 15 minutes. Oh shit. Well, you need to tell them the proper way. Go ahead, Uncle Lazer. Everybody's going to think that I gave... Nobody knows how to take a 20 second story and make it four minutes before you, Uncle Lazer. Let's do it. Cam, Cam, everybody's nothing. I gave can the mushrooms. He gave me the

mushrooms as I'm driving and he took less than me and gave me more and I take mushrooms in public all the time. It's fine. But these are drug. These were different. Yeah, were they not? They fucked this up. I heard I kind of heard about this. Yeah, we all have the same barber. Oh, yeah! He was there! Yeah, he told me about that. You want to film it? I mean... Well, I mean, I got the very short version of the story. My barber knows that I don't like to talk much while getting my hair cut.

That's a good man. That's my favorite. I like to look at my... So we're trimming balls in the green room with Jelly Room. Cam won't sit still, and I'm like, dude, they're gonna know we're on this shit. And he goes, we need milk, man. And I said, Cam, Cam, Cam, go on. We need milk, man. And I said, Cam, he kept going, we need milk, man. We need milk. And he's pacing.

And then Jelly Roll walks in, and he's like, what's up, fellas? And I'm like, I'm not gonna lie to you, man. We shouldn't be here. I said, we took too many. Cam's like, we need milk. I said, we need to go home, Cam. That's all I'm thinking about, nigga. Give me milk right now, bro. All I need right now is milk.

Is milk supposed to make the mushrooms chill out or something? That's what I heard, but now look, it was a lie. Didn't happen, it didn't help at all. I was, we took the bitch at 9.30, I think we was on the bitch until about three. Four in the morning. In the morning, they fucked me up, dog. We went to the cooler at sunset,

we was in the green room. Yeah, he kept sitting in the freezer. He kept sitting in the freezer. You kept sitting in the freezer? You kept sitting in the freezer? He just sat in the freezer. Oh, dude. Yelling at white women, going, hey, ma'am! Just like screaming.

I'm like, stop! There was white women in the freezer? Just some of the waitress. I was collecting white women in the green room. Yeah. He had the door open from the freezer. He just wanted to be in the freezer. Wow.

This is Red Band's establishment, everybody. For those of you wondering, wow, where can I get a delicious beverage from that place? Wonder what the cleanliness is like of that, the freezer. There are white women there, you know, so they're fine. Corner pocket. Oh my God. So how does this end? What are you guys doing at four in the morning while coming down from a mushroom trip? You wanna tell him?

Why you keep saying it like that? It sound like, it sound fucking insane when you say it like that, man. Hey Cam, I got some milk. You just gotta, you just gotta work for it a little bit. Close your eyes, suck it out of this tube. Ooh, your lips are still cold from the freezer. Goddamn. Holy shit. Cold as the fucking ice job. Okay so How does it end? How does the story end?

I'm pregnant. No, I'm kidding. I'm pregnant. We're expecting a nephew laser on the way. Hell yeah. Hell yeah. Well, laser fun times. You got a new minute out.

You've been wanting to do this for a while. Here you go. You did it again. You're in the fucking universe. Thank you, Tony. Uncle Lazer, of course. Uncle Lazer out there on tour. Catch him. Uncle Lazer comedy.com for tickets. Want visibly glowing skin in 14 days? With new Olay Indulgent Moisture Body Wash, you can lather and glow.

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How about a hand for the lovely Heidi? Am I right people? What a fucking, this goddamn sausage fest of a show we have here. A glimpse of light. All right, back to the bucket. We know this young man, a sausage fest of a show we have here. A glimpse of light. All right, back to the bucket. We know this young man, a very, very goofy,

goofy-looking comedian that's been on the show a few times. Here is the long return of Derek Dimple, everybody. Derek Dimple. ["Subsidized"] That's right, class. Listen up, it's substitute teacher time. I used to be a substitute teacher and now I'm a substitute comedian. I came here to do two things, tell jokes and explain Coulomb's Law, and I am all out of jokes.

substitute teaching wasn't as difficult as I thought until I realized I could just give anyone a bathroom pass. I'd send half the class to the bathroom if it made my life easier. Assistant principal would come in. I'd be like, I don't know what happened. That's right, I have a voice like Michael Cera, Kermit the Frog, and Jordan B. Peterson.

Had a baby. Some untoward things would happen while I was subbing. Kids would tell me to suck their dick to my face. Is that really what you want, Carlos? With everything that's in the news? I know what I look like, and I fit the profile. I look like I'm about to shoot up this school, but I will shoot ropes all over you. I know I'm a substitute, but I'm no sub.

I will fuck you in the ass, you little twerp. Old Sped Sheeran's gonna play a little ditty on your prostate. All right, Derek Dimple. Is it- Thank you guys. Is it Dimple? Or Dimple? Yeah.

Dimple. D-I-M-P- F-L. Oh, wow. You have beautiful eyes. That is unbelievable. Four consonants in a row. Me?

Yeah. You've seen me a row. Me? Yeah. You've seen me many times. Yeah, I know. You got these Tom Cruise eyes. They just, like, blast a laser right through my face. Tom Cruise eyes. What the fuck? Jesus Christ, Derek. Thank you. Obviously, you've had time to prepare

since your last appearance on the show. You've been planning on telling me I have beautiful eyes? No, it just came out. Wow. Look at that. Fresh off of nibbling on a little boy's ear at a snooker tournament in England this week. Hey, no, I sent him away with a bathroom pass. I didn't say any of that shit. Derek, you did really, really good according to the audience here tonight.

I didn't think it was that funny, but you did really good with the crowd, I will say. I don't know how it translated to the internet. I may be autistic, but I love eye contact. Thank you, thank you, thank you. All right. You've been working hard, huh? How long you been doing stand-up now? Three years now, almost to the day. Right, three years. And I remember you from way back, right? You've been at all the Killtony locations. Yeah, my first sign up was Killtony 500 over at the Paramount.

Yeah, I was nine days into comedy at that point. There you go. Look at you now, out here working beats on these people. Have you felt like you've been getting better? Uh-huh. OK, there you go. All right. Obviously, that's a trick. you got up your sleeve there.

A lot of like Kermit references, Kermit Miss Piggy Muppet references tonight, and then you get pulled out of the bucket. It's absolutely incredible. Derek, what do you do for work? I'm a sperm donor. What? Oh God, our future is fucked.

Cam Patterson. That should be illegal. Yeah. A lot of surprise little ginger chatterboxes gonna be popping up around the world. Uh, you're not a ginger, dude. Holy shit. What the fuck? What do you call a white guy that tries to be a ginger? A piece of shit.

Fucking idiot. You're not a ginger. You have like blonde hair or something. It's fine, but just so you know. It's just everyone calls me a ginger because of the beard. But like a ginger. Okay. But a ginger. I know.

Like a white guy that tries to be black is a... I don't know that one, brother. Yes. Yes, you do. It's a... A ninja? No. I think the term is neighbor. Oh, nah, I don't want to call you a wigger. Right, yes.

But is there a word for... I'm asking you, William, is there a word for a white guy with light brown hair that tries to be a ginger? Is it a whinger? Uh, yes. Okay, alright. with light brown hair that tries to be a ginger? Is it a Winger? Uh, yes. Okay, all right. A Winger.

Welcome to my improv course, ladies and gentlemen. Cam, Casey Rocket. Cam, did she say a ninja? Was that your guess? I was confused. I didn't know what he wanted me to say. I don't know, a ninja? That's a crazy guess. I'm still the bro that let you get sperm to people, bro.

Yeah, how is that possible that you're qualified to do that? What is the testing regimen for a man to have to donate sperm? Not rigorous. Right. They're not concerned about you when you come in looking like you? No, I guess they're desperate for cum.

Wow. Wow. I walked into the office and the intake lady, she was like really good looking, but she had like lip filler work done. And I was thinking like, oh no, they want expensive jizz. But they took mine, so. Now let me ask you something.

Did they keep you posted on, like, hey, you've got, like, 15 kids out there now? Oh, well, I did tick the box that when they're 18, they can come say hi. Are you serious? Yeah, I'm rolling the dice. Oh, my God. It might be the only way I can have kids.

Shut the fuck up. Do they... Do you have to... Do they pay you pay extra for that? Or you just did that for free? No, I volunteered. You're talking about checking the box? Yeah, yeah. Like why would you ever do that?

Unless they paid extra. I mean, you got nothing to lose, right? They can't come after you for money or anything like that or whatever. I kind of like myself. I think I'm a likable person. And if they did, I mean, can you imagine 18 years from now some person coming up to you being like,

hey, you're my dad, can I have some money? And you're like, did your mom tell you how I was making money? Like, I jizzed in a cup for a living. Just do what I did, son. Ha ha ha. did, son. Wow. Unbelievable. He's like, I'm a substitute teacher. I'm also a substitute husband.

I guess so. I guess so. What do you do for fun, Derek, when you're not doing stand up? Well, lately I've been really enjoying some pitch and putt golf. Yeah. Down at Butler. It really is unbelievable. Another one of the fucking gems of this city. It is a super duper fucking putt putt on steroids here in Austin Texas. Butler, pitch and putt. Another fun thing to do during the day.

How often do you do that? About once a week, maybe once every two weeks. I shot a 30 the other day. Par is 27 on that course. Wow, you shot a 30 into one of the semen cups? Yes. No, I shoot more than 30 into the semen cups. Wow. Now, when you do that, is there something that you look at? Do they let you watch porn? How does that go down?

They just put you in a room? Take us through the process here. Well, you walk through. You sit in a cooler on mushrooms? Yeah, right. Keep your balls... Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Keep your balls on ice first. But, yeah, you go back into, like,

a little medical examining room, and there's, like, some cabinets, and they have wipes for cleanup, and they have lube for doing the thing, and they have a drawer full of Hustler magazines. But I just watch porn on my phone. Right. That seems like that would be the move. Do they get they have good Wi-Fi at this place?

Yeah. But when I'm ambitious, I just use my imagination. OK. And what do you what do you think of when you use your imagination? Big tits. That's what you're into. I love big tits. You do your imagination? Big tits. That's what you're into. I love big tits. You do, you love big tits. Yeah. Do you like big tits?

Old city boy LaCroix is over here. He has six nipples. Don't stare at me, you bastard. What the hell? None of that. None of that. Did you just say Casey has six nipples? Like a Rottweiler.

What the hell? Is this true, Casey? Look man, this isn't about me. How big are your loads, man? This isn't about me. That's a great question. Let's go back. How big are you? We're bragging about how big your loads are. Do you have exceptionally large loads? Big enough to cover six nipples. Okay, making callbacks. I imagine they're average sized. I don't have hyper spermia or anything like that. That's when you have like a really huge load, but it's actually not good for getting people pregnant because there's a little bit of semen and a bunch of cum stuff and so it doesn't

swim too well. I read a lot online. How much do you get paid for that? 110 per pop. Are you serious? How many times can you do it a week? Oh, every two days you can. So you go back every two days and shoot a load in a cup. It's how I make a living.

Well, yeah, no, every two days I shoot a load in a cup. Do the other open micers know about this? These guys are sweating bullets post mating for eight hours a day to make $110. They're gonna all be like, what, what the fuck? They're like, jizzing a cup? Holy shit. I mean, if you're like driving by one,

why not just go 110 bucks 110 bucks used to be what we would work at fucking bartending shift in Columbus Ohio for back in the day. Fucking stocking shelves and wiping down bottles and here you are just wiping down bottle. This is absolutely fucking incredible. $110 a pop. Well, ever since I couldn't keep selling beer, I had to find an alternative income source. Never mind.

He's out beer in an alley. He was one of those beer sellers. You were one of the back alley beer sellers back when we had everybody stand in the alley. I had the highest. How much money were you making a week doing that? $300 every night at Killtony. Wow. $300 every night at Killtony. Wow. After expenses.

$300 and you would go jerk off in a cup the day before that and then 300 and then you jerk off the next day. So we're already at fucking over $500 in three days. That's stripper money. Yeah, it's unbelievable Derek. Yeah, you gotta get it somehow. All right, well very, Derek. Yeah. You got to get it somehow. All right, well, very, very interesting stuff. Amazing that you found a way to survive like this.

Uh, you have a joke book already? Well, you gave me a medium joke book, but, no, I do not. Let's just say that. You have a medium joke book. It was a small one, so it means no. You know what? I'm going to give you this key chain. We have a cool little Kill Tony keychain. Because, again, I didn't think this set was funny.

You killed with the audience. I don't know how to describe it. Thank you very much, Johnny. Thank you, guys. I think there's some people on mushrooms here tonight. We have a table that's laughing at everything here. All right. We're going to keep it moving along. Your next bucket, you guys having fun out there? Your next bucket pull, the bucket of destiny, anything can happen.

60 seconds uninterrupted for Roman Schmidt. Roman Schmidt. So I've always wanted to commit an obscure crime, like mail fraud. Ironically, mail fraud's also what my dad calls trans people. No, I was lucky enough to grow up with my dad and mom, because I grew up on a dairy farm, so my dad had no excuse to leave and get milk. No, I was very blessed. I do have buddies who weren't so lucky, and they had stepmoms,

and they're like, she's a fucking bitch. And, like, I never got that, because from the videos I've seen, they seem pretty cool. audience laughter For the longest time, I thought social worker was a politically correct way of saying prostitute. So when I found out that my older sister

was going to school to be a social worker, I was like, Dad, are we okay with this? And he's like, yeah, I'm like, is Grandma on board? He's like, Grandma actually suggested it. She thought she'd be great at it. Dirty old hag. So for three years, I thought my older sister was going to school to be great at it. Dirty old hag. So for three years, I thought my older sister was going to school to be a whore.

Turns out she's just working with him, so... Thank you. I'm Roman Schmidt. Wow. Okay. The Kiltoni debut of Roman Schmidt. Yeah. Hello. How are you? It's so nice to meet one of Derek's young children. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Roman Hello. How are you? It's so nice to meet one of Derek's young children

Roman how old are you? 22 22 years old You live here now. I just moved here like five months ago five months ago from Wisconsin, correct Madison yeah, that's where I was doing stand-up. I'm from a small town called Colby though Yeah, you were doing stand-up at its... Comedy on State. Yeah, one of the best comedy clubs in the country. How long did you do it there? Two years, then I moved here.

Amazing, amazing. What do you do for work? I serve at a mini golf place and then ballet every once in a while, but not too much. You serve at a mini golf place. Is it Butler Pitch and Putt? No, it's... It's crazy.

There's like all these repetitive things tonight. Holy Moly, it's a new thing. Okay. Holy Moly. Where's that at? Right on like third street, but on the other side at 35. Like right behind that Whole Foods and Target over there. Oh wow. Yeah, that's very close to here.

Yeah. What's Holy Moly like? What's it like over there? It's... okay. Oh, okay. Quite the salesman. Yeah. Unbelievable. They got, like... They're gonna love your ringing endorsement.

Yeah, I'm working one shift for the next two weeks, so I don't know if they really want me either. Okay. So, but I don't know if they really want me either. Okay. So, but I don't, they're trying to be a mini golf place with a bar, but it's more of a bar with super small mini golf, so. Right.

It's still pretty much a hoot still. It's still fun. You know, it's a real hoot. It's a hoot and a holler if you ask me, all right. Absolutely, absolutely. So what are 22 year olds that just moved to Austin up to nowadays? Tell us about what you think is fun

when you're not working or doing stand up. I don't do much anything else. I pretty much work and I go straight and I do stand up all night. That's pretty much it. I'm pretty much a, I play Mario Kart every once in a while. Oh, okay. That's about it. What's your character? What's your choice much a... I play Mario Kart every once in a while, but that's about it. What's your character? What's your choice of a...

I'm a Yoshi, Luigi guy. Oh, Yoshi, Luigi. Very agile, high speed. Yeah. High speed, very agile on the corners. I'm a Wario guy. Okay. Yeah, I come from behind and fucking... fucking get your ass just doof, doof, doof. I'm Red Shell, green, green, ha ha ha ha ha ha. Fucking get your ass just doop doop doop.

I'm just red shell, green green green. I'm toad. Yeah, I would beat the shit out of you, dude. I'm a drifter, man. Wario, yeah, you're drifting all right. Wario's a fucking, well, how about you guys? What are your Mario karts? What are your, I'm guessing you're the Donkey Kong of the.

Ha ha ha. Bum bum bum. Bum bum bum. Oh. Cam's the only one that doesn't slip on the banana. or the Donkey Kong of the... Ha ha! Poof! Poof! Oh! Cam's the only one that doesn't slip on the bananas. He's like... Poof! He gets a speed boost from them.

This is a racist episode of Kill Tony. When I can do the jokes with my black friends, I do them. Other black guys must watch this show and be like, I'm gonna kill that motherfucker when I meet him. He just say, slave face, get the fuck out of here. Slave face was crazy. Slave face was crazy.

Slave face was crazy. We're still gonna bleep, we're gonna beep this every time I say it. And then these assholes are gonna go online and be like, you said Slaveface. They were beeping Slaveface. I use Yoshi. I use Yoshi.

You're a Yoshi guy. Okay. Casey, there's this big... I recently discovered this. There's this big worm in a top hat. It's real. Wiggler. The Wiggler. Wiggler.

So I thought it was just a nickname, the Wiggler, but it's his real name. It's his real name. That's his name. That's so cool to think about. This is like a new Mario Kart character? It's this crazy new guy named the Wiggler. For Switch.

You guys wouldn't believe some of this stuff. Wow. He's a big ass worm. Yeah. Yeah, he's huge. And he has a top hat on. This sounds like a KC Rockets bit. It's not a bit. He's this fat ass, big ass, top heavy worm.

Wow. Oh, and he's the coolest. Tony, you gotta see this guy. Oh my god. I'm pretty sure he just performed here a minute ago. On stage. And William, what is your Mario Kart character? Big Waluigi fan. I do like a little Waluigi.

Andrew's got them. I love it. And what was yours again? Yoshi or Luigi. Right, Yoshi or Luigi. You're split on it. You're 50. What makes you go with Luigi? He's not Mario. I feel like he's a neglected one, you know?

He's the best one. You think so, huh? I believe so. I don't trust anyone who picks Mario, so I just like, they're a fuckhead. I don't know if anyone, does anyone pick Mario out there? Oh, you do. Look at this guy with a very sad face just. Yeah.

Wait, you do? Wow, really? Wow, that is incredible. Have you ever won, Matt Mueling? We need to have a fucking Mario Kart tournament. Kill Tony Mario Kart Tournament live stream. $80 per ticket. Buy your Mario Kart Kill Tony Tournament tickets.

OK. What's your love life like, Roman Schmidt? You seem like a straight up super virgin. No, I'm a bit of a dry spell right now, that's for sure. Yeah. You're just focused on stand up comedy. Yeah. What does your dream girl look like?

What does she look like? Better be black. Yeah, right. your dream girl look like? What does she look like? Yeah, right, yeah, daddy, you know look her up on Instagram that's Why daddy what's her name? G Gia daddy Gia daddy you DD y specific How do you spell that? Space D-U. D-U? Say it into the microphone, you creepazoid.

Oh. D-U... D-U-D-D-Y. She's gorgeous. DM'ing her now. Is that just a normal girl? Let me see this. Let me see this shit.

She looks like a normal girl. Is this a regular white bitch? Yeah. It's a good old regular fat white bitch. I like the curly hair. Have you met this girl or something? No, she was on the draft like a year ago. What draft? Will Levis' girlfriend.

I'm a- Oh! Who's girlfriend? The course back nigga, she tried to take his phone and then he was- No, no, no. Will Levis is a white guy. Oh, fuck that. You're talking about C.D. Lamb.

Yeah, she look good though. Yeah. She's all right. I like curly hair. That's why I'm... You like curly hair. There we go. You could have just said that. I know, but...

You know Gia Duddy is going to get sent this, right? I know. After I said it, I'm like, I'm an idiot. Literally, like at least 400 people are gonna be like Gia you were brought up on Kill Tony and she's gonna be like oh my god how can I make money off this? Just a normal fucking yeah. Whose girlfriend was she again? Will Loews he's a quarterback of the Tennessee Titans. Yeahof. Yeah.

Are they still together? No. Oh, okay. Yeah. Well, being a quarterback for the Tennessee Titans has got a fucking lot to work with over there already. Yeah, he's a handsome dude. He's pretty big.

Okay. I'm going to be honest, you should see him. He's a stud. You're like stalker energy now, aren't you? I'm a be honest, you should see him. He's a stud. You're like stalker energy now, aren't you? I'm a big sports guy, I love the draft, so I just watch it all. You want her or him, nigga?

Who the fuck you want, man? I would prefer her. I'll like put that out. But you would snap him the ball if he wanted it. Roman, what else? What are we missing here? Anything else crazy about your entire life's history or anything? The one and only time I ever shot a gun was inside my high school. Okay. Now we're talking.

So... Tell us more. It was my senior year, I get called to our high school counselor, and I get in, there's like four other guys, and our counselor comes in, she's like, so we're gonna do a school shooting, and you guys are gonna be a part of it. And I like half-jokingly go, can I be the shooter? And she's like, we're not doing that. We're doing a fake basketball game.

So we do that. Wait, wait, wait. That's the setup for what's gonna happen. So we do the high school one. I get pulled out of class later by the middle school counselor, and he goes, I heard you wanted to be the school shooter. And I was like, shit.

And I was like, so I was honest. I was like, yeah, I said that. And he goes, do you wanna do that for the middle school drill? I was like, yeah. Like... So the next day, I got pulled out of class again.

I got dressed up, and all the middle schoolers were in our, like, auditorium, and they gave me a gun with blanks. And they told me, just aim at the ground. Don't. I was like, okay. and they told me just aim at the ground don't I was like okay they told me to an actual gun with yeah yeah I aimed at the ground he shot one

before I entered and he goes go in there and I I blew my load way too fast it's bang bang bang and I was out and all, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, No, now I wish I would have. That sounds so much better. You didn't say anything? You just walked in, just doof doof doof doof doof? Just right at the ground? It was the first time I ever had that kind of like powerful feeling. You know what I did though? I was like, this is crazy. My goodness. That's the only time Alec Baldwin ever wishes he was you. That is how you shoot a gun with a blanks in it. At the floor, absolutely insane that they would give you a real gun.

This was in Wisconsin? Yeah, that's like the second craziest school shooting drill we had. What was the first craziest? They didn't tell us we were having a school shooting drill. Oh shit, it's just Derek Dimple jerking off in the auditorium. 110, 110, 110. All right.

Can you imagine being the parents of the kids coming home and saying that there was a shooting tonight? Yeah, like, they didn't tell you and they had somebody else with a gun and blanks? So they sent an email out five minutes before to all the teachers, but I was in lunch, I wanted to have been told. And a cop came in and he just had like a fluorescent

shirt saying shooter for that one. And he goes, what would you do? And we were like joking around, like, oh, we'd fight you. And then he like shot blanks and we're like, oh! So we ran out and like, I knew it was a joke. So I was like, oh, that's funny. He scared us a little bit, but there was kids like jumping through like the lunch tray return table.

Kids ran home. It was. This school is insane. What school district is this? It was a Colby school district. Colby school district. Yeah. We didn't, we had, that was my sophomore. Yeah, we didn't, that was my sophomore year and then we didn't have one for my junior year

because of it. I bet, I fucking bet. This is the most insane shit I've ever heard of in my entire life. That is crazy. Did the news ever pick up on like- Yeah, that one they did. Yeah.

Wow. That one they were like, what happened? And they were like, shit went down. And that was about it. Well, Roman, very interesting interview. Very, very fun set. You are, you're very, very good at this. Very promising.

Everybody's moving here. I don't know if you guys are noticing, but this is where all, all the people, they used to move to New York or LA, and now they're coming here to Austin, Texas. That's the debut of Roman Schmidt everybody. There he goes. On to the next one. Hey! Pick your character.

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Go to kraken.com and see what crypto can be. Not investment advice. Crypto trading involves risk of loss. See kraken.com legal.ca-pru-disclaimer for info on Kraken's undertaking to register in Canada. Your next bucket full goes by the name of Isaiah Pichardo. Isaiah Pichardo. So a friend of mine, she recently lost her baby. It was horrible, she accidentally fell asleep on it. I can't even make a joke on that yet. I gotta let her breathe.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

I was at a house party, and their dog was running around and the homeowner, she was like, she bleeds a lot, and it gets blood stains all over the carpet. I said, I'm pretty experienced in that. I know what you can do. See, you kick that bitch in the back instead of the face, you won't bleed as much. Just a tip, you know.

It was crickets. They looked at me like I was crazy and I had to save myself, so I was like, that's why they're called bitches, right? Sorry that was awful. Thank you. Thank you. Isaiah. Pichardo or Picardo?

Pichardo. Pichardo. Yes. Absolutely. More like ritardo. That was fucking crazy, bro. Sorry. Ballsy move. How long you been doing stand-ups?

This is my fourth time. Fourth time ever. Okay, that makes it great. I thought you were going to say 2006. That'd be crazy. Oh, no. I love it. How old are you, Isaiah?

23. 23? Fourth time ever. It takes a lot of balls to come up here in this situation like this. Yeah, it's a lot of fun. Yeah, where are you from? Indiana. Indiana. And is that where you a lot of fun. Yeah, where are you from?

Indiana. Indiana. And is that where you still live? Yes, yeah. And what are you doing in Austin? Are you visiting or what's up? To be honest, I was watching Kill Tony last night and I was like, I'm going to go to that.

You were watching last night? Last night. And you're like, I'm going to go to that tomorrow in Austin? Yes. You were in Indiana last night, watching YouTube, and you're like, I'm gonna go to that tomorrow. Yep.

And you bought a ticket last night, and you flew here today. No, I drove. You drove from Indiana? I was slept, yeah. I just drove straight here. Wow. That is wild. That is unprecedented, amazing.

And the fucking, so you could have just as easily have been over across the street at a dingy sixth street bar, fucking standing there doing nothing, and then you would have had to drive home to Indiana, accomplish nothing, and instead here you are. Yeah, I don't even know. I don't even know. Well, let's figure it out, Isaiah. You've only done stand up four times. Someone fell asleep on a baby.

That's crazy. She bleeds a lot, kick it, crazy. Bitches, crazy. Yeah. So it's all crazy what you're talking about here. So let's figure out what about you you should be talking about. Move that mic stand to the right side of you there.

Yeah, throw it over there. You feel that? You feel the difference? Yes. You're Mexican, right? Yes. Mexicans usually are used to performing behind walls. You don't have to do that.

You don't have to do that. He's from Indiana, so he's whiter than all of us, really. Yeah, literally. Incredible. You're wearing a Grateful Dead shirt. Yes. You a hippie? You a little stoner? I guess. Yeah?

A little bit, yeah. What do you do for work? You work at a renaissance center or something like that? No, I work at Walmart DC, man. Just close. That's as close as it gets. Yeah. That's as close as it gets. Yeah. That's as close as it gets.

What do you do at the Walmart? Just throw boxes, man. Run a forklift. Right. Unload trailers. That's about it. Just manual labor. Absolutely.

What do you do for fun? Comedy, and then I like to, you know, throw darts, shoot pool. I just get into random things at random times. And just go all in. Like this. Comedy. I did stand up last March.

And I was like, this is kind of fun. And then now I'm here. Now you are here. Yes. Now you are here. Cam? My favorite part about this set is when you say kitten lady in the back of the head,

somebody just went, what? Yeah. There was one guy in the back of the room that got a bigger laugh than everything that you said. But this is how it starts. I mean, it is not easy just starting out. Crazy, 23, fourth time on stage. You were in Indiana last night.

Last night, yeah. Incredible. How was the drive? Tell us about it. It was awful. It was... It was not a good drive. How far did you make it before you were like, what the fuck am I doing? About halfway, I was like, man, I shouldn't do this.

And now that I'm here, I'm like, man, I shouldn't do this. Fuck. There you go. There's something in there. Thank you. When you, like, lose yourself, you're pretty funny. How much money did you spend on gas? It was like 40 bucks to fill it up the first time,

and the second time it was like 40. So right about 80-something bucks. Not bad. Not bad to go from the fucking top of the country to the bottom. Where's that 12 hours? Maybe three times, I slept, you know. Williams thinking about driving from St. Louis right now.

He's like, what the fuck was I thinking? 15 hours worth of flights for $100. You could have saved 20 bucks and driven half the way twice as fast. Thanks for making me look that dumbass. Holy shit. I love it. Isaiah, you still live with your parents?

Yeah, I live with my dad. What do they do for work? He works at Toyota. How about she? Mom? What does she do? Just chills? I don't know. You don't know what your mom does? Does she live with you?

No, no. Okay. How long has she not been in your life? She dipped out when I was like 12, 13. Okay. Where'd she dip out to? Do you know? I don't know.

I was like about three or four years later, I saw her at a gas station in the same town I lived in, so she was probably around, but. Do you know anything about her? Does she do drugs or something? No, she's doing all right now. She's living with a sweet old lady in her basement and just, you know, working. How do you know she's doing all right?

I see her every now and then, but it's kind of like. You just see her at the gas station? That's it? Yeah, yeah. Do you ever talk to her on the phone? No, not really, no. Why is that? Because it's, I guess it's on me now to kind of go see her and I just kind of don't do

it. You don't do it because you're like, you left me at 12. I mean, I see her every now and then, but it's kind of awkward. So it's just like. Why is it awkward? It's just like, we're different people now that's long and gone. And it's just like, we're on a different...

His material is all about hating women too. Yeah, no, I was just getting to that. Makes sense that you're going around kicking bitches. No, no. Any psychologist would say this makes perfect sense. I was afraid of that, and I had another bit that I had round up where I was going to be like, ah, Mexican Casey Rocket.

And I was like, I can't do that. Thank God you didn't do that. Yeah, I know. What were you going to do after that? Let's see some more Mexican Casey Rocket. Ah, I feel like a... Here he is, ladies and gentlemen, Mexican Casey Rocket!

I feel like a percocet with a dick. That's about all I got. Okay, good. Good, good, good. Very good. Very good. Another fun fact about psychology is that your opening joke is about a woman randomly falling asleep on her baby. What are you... You don't see any connection here

between your mother abandoning you and the woman issues in your 60 seconds? No, no, no. Totally unrelated. No, I get that. No, I get... I was... I was... I was a... I was a... No. You're okay.

You're okay. It's okay. We're all products of crazy psychology. I always say there's so very few funny people that had both parents in their lives, like, that had a normal life. You know, comedians are, you know, kind of traumatized, spontaneous, the type of people that would get in their lives, like that had a normal life. You know, comedians are, you know, kind of traumatized, spontaneous, the type of people that would get

in their fucking car from Indiana and drive here. These open mics in Indiana, what types of things did you talk about on stage there? The minute that you did tonight? No, I had the dog joke and one of them bad. I have different bits. Like what? Do you remember any of them?

Yeah, I could run, but they're not good. But let's give it a shot, I have different bits. Like what, do you remember any of them? Yeah, I can run, they're not good. Let's give it a shot, I'm just curious. Maybe we can fix them. So, we got any couples here tonight? Any what? Couples, we got couples here. Absolutely, tons of couples. So couples, you know, this is gonna sound bad,

but women tend to ask their significant other, hey, so would you love me if I was like a beetle? Would you love me if I was a cricket? Would you love me if I was some inanimate object? So fuck. So there's a better way to ask your man that question. You ask your man, would you still love me if I was a gay, big, black...

man with a fat cock? See, like, if my girlfriend asked me that, I'd love her to death, but if she asked me that, I'd be like, why are you going through my phone? What? What? What? What?

What? What? What? What? What? Thank you. Look out there. Look at those people.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. What the fuck? You don't know what works and what doesn't. No, I don't. You have no idea. Hey, I got bad jokes.

I could do one of those and fuck... I could do one of my shitty jokes and fucking kill if you want me to. It's wild, man. There's something in there. There's a little fucking seed of something in there, Isaiah Pichardo. Do you really have a girlfriend? Oh, well, no, she...

I do not. You're a funny guy. You're a funny guy. I'm going to... I can only give you a little joke book, but I mean, you know what? You drove all the way here from Indiana. I'm gonna give you a big one.

Fill this fucker up, start writing. Thank you, thank you. Use your hatred towards your mother to fuel your wild success. Make some noise for Isaiah Pichardo. Yeah! It's a long drive to Indiana, ladies and gentlemen. Yeah.

Wow. How can you, whoa! Welcome to the world of the subscribed Indiana, ladies and gentlemen. Wow. How can you... Whoa! John D. is in the fucking house, ladies and gentlemen. Holy shit! Who says black people show up

late to work? I love it. Well, let's blast through some of these bucket fulls. I was expecting to get through more, but goddamn it, some of these interviews have been so entertaining that I kept people up here for a while. Let's fly through some of these. Make some noise.

Let's do a minute by Jacob Cantor out of the bucket, ladies and gentlemen. Jacob Cantor. So I'm from Dallas, and I'm a tour guide downtown. I do the JFK tour and part of the JFK tour we let you meet this lady who was friends with Lee Harvey Oswald when she was a kid. I swear to God they just wheel her out like she's Hannibal Lecter. Everyone just shoots her with questions but it means that I've met someone who's met Lee Harvey Oswald and and now you've met me, so you're welcome. Now, I'm really just an Uber driver with a history degree,

so I like to drive past the Lee Plaza, and I like... the CIA killed a president here. And just... they don't say anything. I just know I'm not getting the tip. And about that time, I'll start to go into, like, my R.F.K. Jr. spiel. Usually I get, like, isn't he a conspiracy theorist? And I was like, you'd be a conspiracy theorist, too,

if the CIA killed your dad and your uncle. And he is, in the political sphere, he is the closest thing that we have to Batman. I mean, really, if you think about it, fighting against the corruption of the establishment that shot his family. All right, thank you, I'm Jacob. Exactly a minute from Jacob Cancer.

Jacob, welcome back. You were just on, correct? Yes, I was, yeah. Welcome back, welcome back. Casey, what do you think about this young buck? I see Jacob everywhere. Yeah. He was in Dallas yesterday.

He was in Dallas yesterday. I came to see his show. It was fucking great. At Hyenas. And then now he's here and he's right back. You just run into him random places like Isaiah and his mother. I thought it was really funny. Yeah, it was great.

Jacob, you always do good here. You already have a big joke book, right? You were just here. What else? Since your last appearance, what's changed? What's going on? Nothing's really changed. I got on Secret Show, which was fucking badass. How did that go for you?

It was really good. I kind of like ran short on time by like 30 seconds and had a mini freak out, but everyone told me it was like funny because I like admitted I ran out of material and some people laughed. That's adorable. How long of a set did you do? I think I, well, I was filming it from the back, so I didn't have the time on my phone. But I think I ran out of material at like nine minutes and 30-something seconds.

That's good. Well, why didn't you just get off? Because it was 10 minutes. I don't know. I hadn't seen the light yet. You don't have to do 10 minutes. Well, oh. Well, I was just going.

And I'm not used to doing comedy in, I was just going and I hadn't... I'm not used to doing comedy in that big of room, so I didn't see the light in the back. It was exciting. It was very exciting. It was fun. It was a lot of fun. Was it the most fun you've ever had on a stage in your life? Actually, well, the green room was really fun.

Yeah. It was fun backstage too. Yeah. It was great. Camps there hitting on you. No. From the cooler. He wasn't thinking, what?

You're tripping on mushrooms thinking he's a white bitch. I was just about to call him. I was just about to call him. Hey, yo, white bitch, I'm freezing in here. Me and the cooler going to suck my dick in this cooler real quick, white bitch. Poor Jacob. Why is Cam calling me a white bitch? I love it. Jacob, what else is anything else going on?

We're flying through bucket pools right now. We're going turban. No, I've just been going to comedy shows. I've recently started seeing someone that's going well. She's actually here tonight too. Oh, wow. Where is she at? She's in Dallas too, so she's a comic, so it's been going well. She's here tonight? Yeah, she is. Where?

She's over at Poor Choices. OK, why don't you go tell her to come do a minute? OK. There goes Jacob Cantor, ladies and gentlemen. You want me to leave right now? Yeah. We're going to fly through it. Where's Colt?

Colt's still wrangling people? OK, well, let's get the fucking names up here and then we'll do it. Took a while. Should I leave right now or? Are you? Where'd you meet this girl? We're actually from the same hometown,

but I met her through mutual friends. It was like a group from my hometown that eats in Dallas on Sundays. So she actually dated my brother's best friend when they were in high school and then, no, it's not weird or anything. We met, this is like 10 years ago, so I'm. Okay, we'll go tell her that she's kind of, I actually dated my brother's best friend when they were in high school, and then... No, it's not weird or anything. We met, this is like 10 years ago, so I'm...

Okay. Well, go tell her that she's got... What's her name? Jacob. Her name's Jacob. You're also dating a girl named Jacob. She's incredible. I love it. Did you meet her in Germany? Yeah.

Okay. What's her name? Sagan Butler. Sagan Butler. Yeah. Okay. Go get her. Tell her that she's gonna go up. Did you hear that, Colt? Sagan Butler. Sagan Butler. Yeah. Okay, go get her, tell her that she's gonna go up. Did you hear that Colt? Sagan Butler. We're gonna fly through it.

Another quick minute by Luke Newcomb. Here we go. I promise bucket pulls, we're gonna get minutes out. Turbo bucket mode. Is that okay with you guys? Make some noise for Luke Newcomb, everybody. A minute by Luke Newcomb. Hell yeah.

Here he is. Give it up for Kil Tony. All right. everybody. A minute by Luke Newcomb. Hell yeah. Here he is. Give it up for Kel Tony. All right. Just do the minute. Here he is, Luke Newcomb, everybody. Give it up for the ladies. Yeah. Women.

Women are like wine. I can't afford it. It's not something I can keep around the house. Anytime I have one, I am being judged. How quickly I finish. Just bottoms up. Now, women and wine, they have the same quality. As they age, they get older. Day by day, you would think they had already peaked,

but they do somehow become even more expensive. That's when you're dating. It's a little different when you're dating. It's a little different when you're trafficking. What? Women, wine, they're in the cellar. Alert the authorities. Now women are like wine. I don't know where to find a decent Wyatt. That market is flooded with California trash, and it gives me a headache. All right, I've been Luke Newcomb.

Thank you so much. There you go. Luke, how long have you been doing stand-up? About a year. Okay. Where do you live? Austin? Here in Austin.

What do you do for work? I'm a server. At the putt-putt course? Hell yeah. Okay, alright. Most interesting thing about you, we're flying through bucket pulls right now. It's an extra special part of the show. Besides doing this, I'm a musician.

What music do you play? What type of music? Rock and roll. I write songs, play guitar. You don't sing? I do sing. I sing the songs I write. What kind of songs? Rock and roll. I write songs, play guitar. You don't sing? I do sing. I sing the songs I write. What kind of songs? Rock and roll. But I mean, like, can you cover anything?

I don't do covers. Okay. Can you explain to them the chord progression and the speed real quick? I can do something like that. Just say it right into the microphone. Just tell them. It's a G chord with a 45 degree.

Oh, without me playing guitar as well? Absolutely. Correct, yeah. playing guitar as well? Absolutely. Correct, yeah. You're just gonna sing. Let's go. You're gonna sing real quick. You're gonna sing and we're gonna fly through it real quick. So start telling them.

A minor, C, F, E7. You look like you would love A minor. Absolutely. You got that? You got that? What's the... Give us a groove. Give him the groove. Da da da da da da da da da Call me crazy, I've been seeing them lately

I've been seeing them daily, babe They're coming here Here we go. I've been lost in the lady Temptation pulled me from the devil's bros here Each one a sender, each one the same Everybody doing good, good as you wait Alright, there he goes, Luke Newcomb Little Jokebooks On to the next one.

Your next comedian doing an uninterrupted 60 seconds. We got to get through it. Make some noise for Eddie Lursa. 60 Seconds by Eddie Lursa. I've accidentally been working in restaurants for the last 20 years. I was watching a fat kid eat the other day, and it made me realize that if I have a kid, I want to have a fat kid.

Because he's either going to overcome heavy adversity and build strong character, or the little guy loses a foot and we don't walk from the back of the parking lot anymore. And it's cool if some of you didn't like that joke, there is a certain type of person that normally doesn't and that's type two.

I also figured out how to stop school shootings. We have to segregate schools again. What you do is you take all the lonely white kids with gun fascinations and you put them in their own schools. In these schools, all of the teachers will be known pedophiles. Because at the end of the day, school shooters and pedophiles are the same. They both just want to unload on kids.

I'm Eddie Larsa. Thank you. Amazing. Eddie Larsa with a fantastic set. Great job, Eddie. How long have you been doing stand-up? Just over a year now. Over a year? That's incredible. That was so good. Where are you based out of?

I'm here in Austin now. How long have you been here? Since October. A lot of people moved here in October. Incredible. Where'd you move out of? I'm here in Austin now. How long have you been here? Since October. A lot of people moved here in October. Incredible. Where'd you move from? Florida.

OK, what part of Florida? I was in New Smyrna Beach right by Orlando. Ooh, Cam Patterson. You ever been there before? You ever do any? I just saw that. I did some back-cats. I was going to say crime, not shows.

But. I've never did crimes in New Summer at the Beach ever. Just in case they looking for me. I never did crimes in New Summer at the Beach ever. There you go. Case dismissed. No, it's true. We don't have black people out there, so it's...

Perfect. Perfect. That's why we would do crimes there, but I've never did crimes in New Summer at the Beach ever. Eddie, what do you do for work? I'm a bartender. Oh, that's right. You mentioned that.

And what else is going on? What's the craziest thing about your life? Craziest thing about my life? Going through an extra fast portion of it. I was given away by my parents three times in one year when I was 16. Given away to who? Group home home foster parents

and the guy who eventually became the guy I call my dad now. Wow, what were you doing at 16 that made them do that? Or what were they doing? I was just vibing. Vibing? Yeah. Yeah. Casey Rocket.

Yeah, you're just too chill. You're just too cool. You're just too cool. He's too laid back. They couldn't handle that amount of coolness. They're like, this kid is just vibing. We got to get him out of here. No, my mom, she needed to have a life, so we had to go so she could pursue her life.

It was exciting. Wow. What was that life that she was trying to pursue? My mom was actually a professional jazz and blues singer in the DC area. Wow. Yeah. So I made the sacrifice. You know, go mom.

That makes sense. Being an entertainer runs in your family. That's kind of a, your set was well beyond what most people at a year at were flying through this bucket right now, trying to set a record for bucket pulls. So there he goes. Eddie Lursa, ladies and gentlemen.

Keep signing up, Eddie. We wanna see another minute and do a longer interview. We got a woman out of the bucket. This young lady made her debut only recently and was absolutely hysterical Here she is again. This is the second set ever by Sherry the sedgy ladies and gentlemen Sherry Thank you, I am originally from Iran you may know it as Iran I Ran so fast and I never looked back. Yeah, but don't be afraid of me, you know, there are no terrorist women. Can you imagine me

going, stop it. But also women don't work in the Middle East. Yeah, I don't know if you've heard, there's been some downsizing, layoffs, furloughs, stoning. Yeah, let's not even talk about equal pay between the men and the dead women. That's a whole nother Netflix special right there. Yeah, so while we're on the subject of terrorism, how come there are no good-looking terrorists out there? Where are my GQ terrorists at, huh?

What are they, calling in sick on jihad days? And I haven't seen any gay terrorists either. I mean, that's pretty obvious. Like, what are they going to do with 72 virgins up in heaven? Give them highlights or redecorate the harem. Persian women rock. Once you go Persian, you're like, hey, nice rug.

Sheri Vasej has done it again, her second-ever appearance. Red Band here told me that you did absolutely unbelievable at the Secret Show when you were put on it super recently, Thursday night or whatever. How's everything else going, Sherry? Great, yeah. Remind us again, how long have you been doing standup?

Since last May, the last round, but I used to do standup years ago before you were born. Yeah, absolutely. God, for some reason it turns me on when you talk like that. It's incredible. You know me. You are kind of like a hot little desert cougar. It is kind of incredible.

It's like something about you. You're a little fucking, you're a little firecracker or shoe bomb or something. I'm not exactly sure. Boom. I love it. I love it. Sherri, you were just on the show.

You just killed again. We're flying through the bucket tonight. Thank you. How about one more time for Sherry Vasejci. Red Band? I would love to have you back on The Secret Show Thursday. Oh, shit. Look at that. Back on The Secret Show.

Once again, proof that anyone with a vagina gets booked on The Secret Show by Brian Red Band. Welcome to show business, everybody. If you're wondering how it works, the young Harvey Weinstein of Austin, Texas, hard at work over here. I'm innocent! Hup!

Jesus Christ. All right, I made Jacob a promise that I'd put his girlfriend up. Make some noise for Sagan Butler. One minute. One minute, Sagan Butler. So, my love life pretty much consists of guys treating me like the old school Kodak cameras. Sure, they'll let me take all their shots,

but then they forget about me and nothing ever develops. Yeah. In their defense, I do have something uncommon with those cameras. Yeah, if you wind me up and smack me just the right way, I, too, will flash. Yeah. It's gotten to the point where I'm like,

you know what, polygamy doesn't even sound that bad to me. You're meaning to tell me I'm in a relationship with this man, and he is wildly outnumbered? There's nothing I've ever wanted to do more in my life than to stage a coup with my gal pals, all right? Fucking try me. At minimum, we're gonna unionize, and if we go on strike, old dude is fucked.

Oh, you don't think domestic work is work? Then good luck keeping the 72 kids and the sourdough starter alive, then bitch. I don't know where I'm at, but that's all I got for you. 57 seconds from Sagan Butler. I love it. Is that lisp natural? Have you always said that?

It's the braces. It's the braces. It's the braces. It's an adorable delivery you have. Thank you. I'm gonna minimize a 72. It's incredible. How long you been doing stand-up?

I started in January. Wow. Yeah, I started in January. You're so new. Are you here in Austin? I'm in Dallas. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

All right, so you live in Dallas. What do you do for work? I am a certified postpartum doula, lactation educator, placenta encapsulator, and birth doula, and postpartum educator. Jesus Christ. Are you also an intern at a Goodwill? What doesn't she do?

Yeah. I'm also a waitress, so, you know. Wow. Absolutely. That's where you make the real money, right? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Absolutely's where you make the real money, right? Yeah, oh yeah. Absolutely. And you're dating Jacob? How's that been going? Fantastic, actually.

I wrote that joke before I started seeing Jacob, by the way. So we'll see how it goes. Amazing, amazing. And you guys are out doing spots together, having fun. Hell yeah, hell yeah. Everything's good. What's the craziest thing about your life that we would find interesting during this,

the interview portion of the show? Only a couple million people will see it. Give us something good. I am a single mom of four. Are you fucking serious? Yeah, I'm also a special needs parent. Oh my goodness, Grace. So your kids sound like you do.

Yeah. Yeah. Oh my goodness, Grace. So your kids sound like you do. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha A single mother of four, how old are you? I'm 32. Wow, okay, you're like a reverse David Jolly. You seem younger than that. You seem younger than 32. Sunscreen, sunscreen, you know? Fucking glitter in the hair, niggas. The freckles, the glasses, the braces, it's just, I'm gonna not. The glasses, the braces, the sensation of September 30th.

You just love making ass noises with those fucking braces. The Braith of the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, He's 10 and then I have a nine year old who's also on the spectrum, but he's a freaking savant dude. Like he's way too fucking smart. How is he savanty? Well he taught himself how to read before the age of two and that's how he became verbal. Holy shit. So yeah. Kim, this kid beat you by 24 years. This two-year-old can spell better than your father. Yeah. This is unbelievable.

Wow, that is so cool. So like, so it's, how old is the one now? The one that read it too? The which one? The one, oh, he's nine now. He's nine? Yeah. Okay. Yeah, he taught himself a lot of, like, foreign alphabet, so he knows the Russian alphabet, the Greek alphabet,

the Coptic alphabet. Wait, I think he performed here a little bit. He knows how to say thank you in 12 different languages? Yeah, something like that. Amazing. Yeah. We are flying through the absolute end of this show. We gotta turn it and burn it.

Congratulations. It's a great set. Thank you. I am out of joke books. Have a good night. I'm out of joke books. But here, take one of those just for shits and giggles. At least you leave with something back to Dallas.

Alright. Ladies and gentlemen, your absolute final comedian of the night. We did it, by the way. We got through fucking 11 bucket pulls tonight. And two of our favorites, David Jolly and Uncle Lazer, which leaves us with just one regular. You guys will never guess who it is. This man has been taking a hiatus in preparation for the forum, the rematch between him and Rick Diaz.

One of the greatest regulars in the history of the show. You watched him grow up from living in a van to being a wild sellout touring success. Sing it if you know the words. This is Hans Kim. -♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, I thought my English was bad. I thought my English was bad. Uh, P. Diddy is getting charged with sex trafficking, which apparently is a big deal. I just don't think that's the worst thing he did. You know, whenever someone gets charged with sex trafficking, it's like they're saying,

hey, it's okay to molest people, just don't take them sightseeing, okay? If I'm getting molested, I better get a free trip to Disneyland. I don't want to get raped in a dungeon the whole time. Sucks having black hair, because when I find hair in my food, I don't know if it's mine

or if I get to yell at the help again. audience laughter Tents are going up in the universities, which means it's time to invest in Raytheon. audience laughter Thank you. audience laughter Fuck yeah, that is Hans Kim.

That was Hans Kim. That was Hans Kim. Fantastic, Hansi, how we feeling? I feel great, Tony. Thank you for having me back. I'd love to come back more. Anytime. We love you, Hans. Literally, anytime you want, you can.

Thank you, Tony. Cocaine's pretty expensive. Are you back on it? Are you back on the hard stuff, Hansi? No. Hans, did you on the hard stuff, Hansi? No. Hans, did you just lie to me, Hans? Yes. Hans is also an autistic savant, for those of you that don't know.

One of his amazing traits is he cannot tell a lie. What have you been doing lately with the cocaine, Hans? You've been doing some dirty six street blow? Uh, yeah, I mean, there's pretty good stuff here. This is a good street for cocaine. What do you do after you do cocaine? What exactly, what game on your phone do you play? I've been playing a lot of Settlers of Catan on my phone,

colonist.io. Is that really what you do after doing cocaine? Yeah, I mean, I've been rearranging my house a little bit. I recently went to Eeyore's birthday. Tell us about that. What do you mean? Eeyore's birthday. Tell us about that. What do you mean? Eeyore's birthday is a nice little thing that they do here in Austin. At Pease Park, they just have a bunch of people gather together and run around and it smells

kind of bad. It's like a music festival. It's like a, yeah, but no music. KC Rocket. Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh? Yeah Yes, there's a your yeah, it's like a thing here, and you do cocaine and you went to yours Awesome that's so cool. I think that's what you are needed is a little cocaine It's so sad. Oh, yeah Wow. I mean, this is incredible, Casey.

You just found out about a festival where there's no music and people just running around. How excited are you right now? Fucking, my heart's thumping. I'm excited. That's cool, hell yeah. That is incredible. What do you tend to do at Eeyore's birthday?

Is that what you said? Yes. Well, I was there to follow my ex, but... Uh... Happy birthday to you! You're stalking your ex-girlfriend. Yeah. Okay.

Again, he cannot lie. People... That's why I love... It's just so funny. People, I can't imagine a better interview than you in the world. They've always been fantastic. So how's stalking your ex-girlfriend going, Hans?

It's great. Does she ever notice you? Yeah, she said hi to me. I got invited in last night. Ooh. I promised invited in last night. Ooh. I promised her I wouldn't talk about it, but we had sex. Oh my God.

That is the most Hans Kim thing of all time. You think you're probably gonna get in a little trouble now that you said that, huh? In three weeks. Ladies and gentlemen, we gotta put a ribbon on it. That was Hans Kim, ladies and gentlemen. Woo! Woo!

Woo! How about one more time for the great William Montgomery. Visit his Instagram. He's on tour. Go to his link tree to find dates. He's selling out all around the world off of his link tree. Guess who else only has a link tree on Instagram? It's Cam Patterson, selling out all around the world.

These guys do not have websites. CaseyRock at Comedy.com. He's also on tour. All three of these guys on tour, killing all around the country. It's a lot of fun. I mean, you guys have gotten to watch them grow in front of your very eyes. There's not a show like this in the you guys have gotten to watch them grow in front of your very eyes

there's not a show like this in the world where you get to watch a new minute every single week and Ryan je belts artisan. Yes, which reminds me the killers of kill Tony comedy tour Starting where they're all going out different groups and different weekends and different times, all around to giant, giant venues, massive theaters all around the country. Some of the regulars, some of the golden ticket winners, the great Jetski Johnson, a lot of the greats that you love are on tour right now. KillersofKillTony.com for tickets there. The drawing from Ryan J. E. Belt is in and it is indeed incredible.

How about one more time for the best stand band in the land? By the way, Matthew Mueling just dropped a brand new single, Challenge Day. Go check it out at matthewtm.org. Matthewtm.org for the new song challenge day from Open 2.0. How about one more time for Carter Arrington on the guitar behind me, Matt Mueling,

the great Dee Madness everybody. Michael Gonzalez, Fernando Castillo, Raul Bejelo, and Carlos Sosa are all on the world tour with Zac Brown. Our horn players are doing football stadiums every Saturday with Zac Brown. How about one more time for them? One of my favorite additions to our cast of all time. They fill this fucking,

they fill rooms with unbelievable energy. No Chris Rogers tonight, Red Band? Check out the SunsetStripATX.com secret show every Thursday. I love it. If you haven't yet, check out the live stream of the forum and the YouTube theater filmed on May 10th and May 12th, but a new level of production for us.

We got the director of the UFC, and we really, really upped the fucking ante on this. We're trying to make it so that our pay-per-views are big, giant comedy events. But as far as the home field advantage here in Austin, we love you guys, that was so much fun. Thank you, good night everybody. I'm gonna man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm not gonna lie to you I'm not gonna lie to you I'm not gonna lie to you I'm not gonna lie to you

I'm not gonna lie to you I'm not gonna lie to you I'm not gonna lie to you I'm not gonna lie to you I'm not gonna lie to you I'm not gonna lie to you I'm not gonna lie to you I'm not gonna lie to you

I'm not gonna lie to, I'm gonna be a man The The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to SunsetStripATX.com for tickets. Thanks for watching! you you