KILL TONY - #673 - JOE ROGAN + MATT MCCUSKER

Episode Date: July 23, 2024

Joe Rogan, Matt McCusker, William Montgomery, Casey Rocket, Kam Patterson, Hans Kim, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, Jon Deas, Matthew Muehling, Joe White, Kristie Nova, Yoni, Kino Loasis, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – 06/24/2024 TONY HINCHCLIFFE @TONYHINCHCLIFE TONYHINCHCLIFFE.COM BRIAN REDBAN @REDBAN DEATHSQUAD.TV SUNSETSTRIPATX.COM THIS EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY: Download the Gametime app, create an account, and use code KILLTONY for $20 off your first purchase. Get $80 off your first month with promo code SPACE80 at https://talkspace.com/tony Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Death Squad.tv and now on Spotify and Apple Podcasts. If you want to check out Tony Hinchcliffe's website, go to TonyHinchcliffe.com. Everything Golden Pony, including his tour dates, at TonyHinchcliffe.com. If you want to check out the Sunset Strip or get some Death Squad merch go to DeathSquad.tv. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey this is Redback coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Get up right Tony. It's class. Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? Yeah. Oh my goodness. Make some noise for Brian Redban, everybody, right here. You're at the number one live podcast in the world. Kiltoni this week brought you by Express, VPN and Shopify. How we feeling tonight? How we doing out there? How about one more time for the best damn band in the

land, huh? Unbelievable. Fernando Castillo, Raul Vallejo, Michael Gonzalez, the great Matt Mueling on the electric guitar, John Dees on the keys, and this is the great and powerful Dee Madness, ladies and gentlemen. Wowzers. We have a fun show in store for you. Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. Indeed, this podcast is sponsored by Squarespace, the all-in-one website platform for entrepreneurs to stand out and succeed online. Whether you're just starting out or managing a growing brand, Squarespace makes it easy

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Every single week, I have two of the funniest human beings on planet Earth on this show. And this is very, very exciting, because this is two of our favorite guests in the history of the show. Two residents of Austin, Texas. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Joe Rogan and Matt McCutsca!

Yeah, baby! Joe Rogan! Matt! You! McCutsker! My friends, we're in the firestorm tonight! Very exciting stuff. Very, very exciting. Joe Rogan, welcome to your own comedy club.

It's fucking amazing. What you've done is amazing, dude. This show is incredible. I'm so happy to be here. It's always fun. Normally, you bring someone surprising and crazy on stage with you. Well, twice we've done that. One time we did it with Post Malone.

He had no idea who was going to come on until he was right backstage. I was like, dude, come on stage with me. He's like, okay. And just fucking pushed him through the door. And the other time was Tucker Carlson. We went out to dinner with him, totally tricked him, brought him back here. Tony goes, bring him on stage. We're like, okay.

So he had no idea. He's like, what are you doing? I'm here. Tony goes, bring him on stage. We're like, okay. So he had no idea. He's like, what are you doing? I'm like, we're gonna go on stage. He's like, huh? And then next thing you know, he's out here. Amazing performance. Matt McCusker's returned. Hey.

Hey. Thank you. Thank you, thank you. Welcome back, my friend. Dude, love to be here. Thank you, guys. You guys know how it works. Over 250 comedians signed up for the opportunity

to get a possible 60 seconds on this stage tonight. If I pull their name, you know their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. Kitten! That means they have to wrap it up then, or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. Bear! Which interrupts their set.

And then I interview them. We find out more about them and their lives and what they could be talking about and things like that the whole thing's improvised anything can happen you guys ready to start tonight's fucking show? I pull the name they're going to go grab that comedian from the bar across the street poor choices here on stunning 6th Street in Austin Texas in the meanwhile one of our regulars is going to perform to open tonight's show. As of about a month ago, we started a rotating panel of three

regulars on the show, and this guy took a week off in the middle. So it's been a month since we've seen him. You guys know this guy, Kil Tony Hall of Famer. Used to live in his van. Has opened the show more than anybody in the show's history. Sing it if you know the words. This is Hans Camp. Thank you guys. Hope you guys had a good Father's Day. Hope you got to spend some time with your fathers. You know, Juneteenth was Wednesday, so everyone else got to celebrate as well. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm there. I've never seen a crime wave in person before. But, yeah, love the African-American community.

Don't get me wrong, you know, who doesn't love a good song? Black people, they've gone through hell, and they've done so much for America, but technically that is my bike. I love being Asian, very tough to be Asian. You know, you guys come home drunk, you can eat whatever the fuck you want. I have to eat food with chopsticks. Whiskey makes my chopsticks go soft. All right, that's my time. Thank you.

Whoo! Chopsticks. Ha ha. Hans Kim, did you do a Juneteenth joke and then a WNBA joke? Is that right? It was just a regular NBA joke. So why were they crying?

I missed it. Why was the they crying? I missed it. Why was the wave crying? A crime wave. Crime wave. I heard crying. Uh, sorry. Still got a little bit of that. That'll be edited out. How dare you. I can't help myself. Hans Kim, how do you feel? I feel great, Tony. I've been having a great life,

thanks to a lot of the people on stage here. Tell us about some of the parts that you've been enjoying lately. I went paddle boarding with my girlfriend. Someone I met on the river said he was coming tonight, so hopefully he's not a liar. I did the sunblock on my girlfriend and I didn't realize that my disrespect towards her sunblocking would show up that night and so you could see how badly... Oh no. She's white. Yeah. So white man's burden, right? Was it a spray can you keep doing a spray thing?

Yeah, kind of was like... You just half-assed it, huh? Yeah. Maybe you should break up with her, huh? What do you think? I sound super passive aggressive. He fucking Zorroed her. What are you doing, dude? What are you doing, man? You need to rub that lady's back down if you like her. Give her a little of that wax on wax off, man.

Oh, Jesus. I'm gonna try to keep her. Yeah, be a little bit more precise. Yeah, I know for next time. I'm just not used to the sun. No, that'll heat the pussy up. What the fuck? You looked at me like,

like I was gonna rescue you. Fuck outta here with that idea. All right, nevermind. Do you ever, when they have a fever, man, you know, whatever. Is this a regular paddle board you guys were in? Yeah, he got us both paddle boards. So you were separate? We, I tied us together eventually, but yeah, she was, she was going off on her own.

She's pretty fast. Wow. So you tied to the back of hers? Yeah, we, I tied front and back together. Well who was in the front? Well, we were just tail, tail, nose, nose. Just a little tie. Wait.

Bro, did you get dragged? How the fuck do you tow someone tail, tail? That's horse shit. That's like equity in towing. That shit's not real. If you're going to tow somebody, they have to be behind you. You had the front. You had the front.

You can't fucking tow someone right next to you, you liar. You just lied, didn't you? She towed you. No. I just see that lady towing you. What was the positioning of these paddle boats? We were right next to each other. Bullshit.

It was a raft. It was a raft. They built a raft. Bro, you did not. Tell the truth, bitch. You were like, you got towed. That girl towed you. She did a lot of the work. To her Huckleberry Kim on the river.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Redemption. You were with white Sophia. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure.

I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure.

I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure.

I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. There's a lie that he's trapped in that we will never let him live down Forever bro, you'll be paddleboard boy That's it. You should put that shit on your posters now Every in Kansas City Kansas City in July here comes paddleboard boy.

Bro, you got towed. She is really good. She's from Austin, so she's really good in the water. Sam Marcus, I'm not good. There's a rainy streak joke in there. Anything else crazy going on in life, Hans? Still have my AR-15. I... Jesus Christ. Take it all back. What are you doing with it?

I've been showing people. If you know Hans, you know that's so true. That's 100% what happens. It's on my podcast table sometimes. I do podcasts with it. Hell yeah. You do podcasts with an actual AR-15 on the table? Yeah. Jesus.

Is it loaded? No. Are you sure? Not really. It's hard to check. If you have ever been on the road with this dude, it all makes sense. He can't tell a lie. Yeah. I I... I love my girlfriend. She's... All right. Great way to start the show.

On a scale from 1 to 10, I give it an AR-15. There goes Hans Kim. And now we get to our bucket, ladies and gentlemen. This is it. This is where anything can happen. This is where we meet everybody who's ever been on the show. Everybody starts here, and a lot of times it ends after one appearance. We never see them again. This is it. This is where anything can happen. This is where we meet everybody who's ever been on this show. Everybody starts here and a lot of times it ends after one appearance, we never see them again.

But you never know. We're gonna get it started tonight with 60 seconds uninterrupted by Robert Marbles, everybody. Here we go. Robert Marbles. ["Rose of the Opera"] Thank you, band. I'm not racist, but, or not but actually. I wanted to preface that by saying that I think there's a beautiful middle ground between racism, not being racist, and finding racism funny.

I'll give you guys an example so it's easier to understand. I'm half American, I know that's a little bit of a curveball, but I'm also half Arab. So to give you guys a good demonstration of a joke that could be kind of funny was, for example, I was baking a pie for you all because you're so nice and I thank you all for coming out. But instead of apple slices, I just use bombs. That's one example. I'm also, like I said, half-blood.

My parents both speak my dad's language. They just never taught me, which is fine. So, like I said, half-blood. My parents both speak my dad's language. They just never taught me, which is, that's fine. And yeah, so I basically, when my mom told me that she was, you know, why she didn't teach me her mother tongue, she said it was because she wanted me to have her mother tongue. And...

Wow. Robert Marbles. Even I, I mean, I do this every week and somehow I'm still shocked at how bad people can be every Monday for 11 years I'm here and you just blew my mind, Robert. You could have almost done anything other than what you just did, and it would have been better

than whatever the fuck that was. I've always wondered what a zero testosterone Kenny Powers would be like. This is unbelievable. That was my first time, so give me some stars. Oh, that was the first time. Are those tears I see behind those Macho Man Randy Savage sunglasses?

Oh no! This is not going how I thought it was gonna go! Oh no! Sad Macho Man. I love it. How old are you? Uh, guess. Okay, dude. 29, 29, 29.

Jesus Christ. I already said you have zero testosterone. Don't make me think you're plus estrogen right now. Guess how old I am. I know the mullet and the American shorts takes off some years. Jesus fucking Christ, dude. Answer the goddamn questions.

Were you the guy that had to help Hans Kim untie his boats? Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha. Why do you look like this? You look like you're going to arrest yourself at some point. There's like a cop underneath this disguise. Thank you, thank you.

You'll never believe it, but you're under arrest. Okay, let's talk about it, Robert. How old are you? 29. 29. You just decided to start stand-up comedy. Today, literally, I was like, I actually not just today. It was, it was a long time coming. I moved here from Boston and I was- Was this the first time you were ever on stage? Yes.

Whoa. Who told you to do that? Actually, one person said not to do it, and the other person said to do it, so I was like... Yeah, that person who said to do it, you need to stop talking to them. This is a fucking terrible idea. Oh my God. And in those American... Don't you have any friends?

That's desecration of the American flag, by the way. That's a tough loss in those shorts. You just Rocky Balbomb. I love my country. Oh, you stepped on a great joke there. You're doing negative comedy right now. Not only did you bomb, but you're blocking other people's shots. I love it.

So you're from Boston. How long ago did you move to Austin? Like a year and a half ago. And what do you do for work? I have to go back in character. No, no, there's no character. We don't know the character, bro. He just started.

Yeah. OK. I do a job that I need a name to not show up on searches. Do you like sedatives? Oh man. Like tell the truth. Something's going on. You seem a little too relaxed.

Really? I'm just feeling like energy. I like the energy. Okay, just. Robert Marbles, just stick with the. Someone needs to do a background check on homie. Just answer the questions. Here we go. Ready? What do you do for work?

I sell things. What do you sell? I sell software. Okay. Okay. That was pretty easy. Yeah, I had to make it simpler. Alright. And do you make a good living doing that? Is that a full-time job?

Yeah, it's a full-time job. I'm very blessed. I'm very thankful. Um... Jesus Christ. Oh, my God. This is an American Idol. Yeah. What's the funniest thing you think you've ever done?

This is your first time on stage. You're 29. Can you give us an example of some time that you really made your friends or family or enemies laugh? Yeah, actually, when I was in high school, I did a magic show, like talent show, and nobody could hear me, so I said something that just made the whole audience laugh unlike today.

What was it? It was like a flow state thing. You know how you just, something comes to you. What was it? It was like a like a flow state thing. You know how you just like something comes in you just say how the fuck how the fuck would you hit a flow state? What are you talking about? Yeah you know when you're just in the fucking zone Tony and you just can't miss. That's what I'm just up there doing my magic set. And shit's just actually disappearing. I'm throwing stuff up in the air, it's disappearing.

Bird, bird, bird, bird, bird. Tissue paper, tissue paper. What do you mean flow state? Describe to us, what the fuck? You're bad at answering questions. Just like, just being in tune with the higher, you know, unified fields. I didn't think you were actually gonna go deeper

that direction. It's possible, you know. Wow. What was your childhood like? Lot of Vicodin. Actually, though. Wow. What was your childhood like? A lot of Vicodin. Actually, no. Childhood, I was raised in a mixed family, like half, like I said, half Arab and half white.

And so. What kind of Arab? North African. North African Arab? Yeah. Can you be more specific? I can't. That's all I'm allowed to say, unfortunately. What does that mean?

That's you guys. That barely... North African. The real home of the Lion King. We've been using that... We've been using the same sound effects for 11 years and finally it's an actual African reference. Instead of just a black guy from Detroit.

Oh my god. Oh my god. I have found the smallest handmade joke book that Bones Eye has ever created exactly for this moment. Robert Marbles, congratulations. You got pulled out of the bucket. Onward we go. Oh, hello there. This podcast is sponsored by Talkspace.

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first night ever on the show. Ladies and gentlemen this is a brand new minute from Drew Nickens. He's a true, what? He's a true, true Nickens. He's a true, what? He's a true, true Nickens. He's a true, what? He's a true, true Nickens.

He's a true, true Nickens. He's a true, true Nickens. He's a true, true Nickens. So I don't mind dating girls with kids because I'm a child at heart. But I am worried about finding a woman who wants to peck me. Because god damn it, I forget shit all the time. I forget she has a gag reflex. I forget to do the dishes, take out the trash.

Forget that she's got a clit. And I know anger is going to build. take out the trash, forget that she's got a clit, and I know anger's gonna build. And you know when you're pegging someone, it goes finger, tongue, small toy, average white guy, and I know that she's not gonna follow the rules. There's gonna be candles, there's gonna be a romantic interest, and then we're gonna come in, she's gonna go finger, she's not gonna follow the rules. There's gonna be candles, there's gonna be a romantic interest,

and then we're gonna come in, she's gonna go finger, she's gonna go tongue, then she's gonna go right into fucking Mandingo, am I right? Oh man, and then she's gonna be getting me and there's gonna be some cracking sounds, and then it's gonna,

I'm gonna talk like Finding Nemo, Dory. Ooh. Ooh. All right, that's been my time. Thank y'all. Drew Nickens. All right, that's different. That's different than your usual tone on stage. Not usually talking about banging bitches like this,

but I guess since you've been famous for four weeks, life has changed. You know, there's a tongue, a finger, a small toy, a candle, I'm like, what the fuck are you talking about? Are you getting pussy now, Drew? No, but I dig you to eat Taco Bell with a girl. Why don't you talk about that, Drew? That's what I'm talking about.

Tell us more about this Taco Bell. Oh, so she slid in my DMs and I was like, hey, what do you wanna do? And she's like, well, I like Taco Bell. And I was like, oh, I'll take the hint. Let's eat some Taco Bell. And then we watched kitten videos and then we watched like a whole bunch of stuff. Was this in your car?

No, she had an amenity roof on her apartment. Amenity roof, a place where you take guys with brain injuries that are hanging out with you... Just so that your neighbor finds out, in case you get of mice and mend... Yeah! In case you accidentally squeeze a nice girl's head in completely. Oh, I just got that.

Damn! Wow. Oh man, you just can't make moments like that. That's incredible. Oh man, I just got that. I was kind of wondering in the back of my head if you were getting it too. You have mice and men reference because there is two things that could have happened there.

But now I'm telling you about how I wouldn't trust you with a puppy. No, I'm kidding. How's life going, Drew? Talk about it. Oh, good. I quit my job. I'm doing comedy full-time now. Awesome. And I'm moving to Austin in July. Boom. Hey, you got a place? Have you scouted out an apartment? I'm figuring that out now, sir. You're fingering it out now? Figuring it out. Oh, my goodness.

All right. So let's just talk about it. When you talk about hooking up with moms that have kids, you've never done that? No. So you're just kind of making up how you think it would be? Well, I feel like they want another kid they would hook up with me, but like I mean I haven't got in any play in a long time sir, imagine that. So I have to

imagine a lot of things that would happen. How many cans of energy drink do you think you had today? Oh, oh we're on 600 milligrams today, sir. I'm in Lidl, I'm in Lidl, I'm in Lidl, I'm in Lidl. My God, Drew. All right, well, anything else we should know about Drew? How else are you feeling? What else is going on? Are you going to have roommates in this new apartment?

I'm looking to get something by myself, like a little studio, but I'm open to roommates. I've had roommates most of my life, so it doesn't phase me. I don't know, I'm just playing it by ear and hoping everything falls into place. Absolutely. Amazing. Have you guys seen Drew before, Matt? No, I've never seen him before. This is a treat. I hope you get pegged, man. I really hope... I hope... I hope that happens.

Taco Bell beforehand might not be the move, but... But I hope that happens. Red man. Uh, I love it. Well, Drew, fun times. Thanks for doing another minute. There he goes. Drew Nickens.

Drew Nickens! All right, back to the bucket we go. We're gonna meet them all together. Make some noise for Tyler Wright, everyone. Oh, there's Heidi. And here's Tyler Wright. Make some noise for Tyler, everybody. Hi!

What's up, guys? My name is Tyler Wright. Happy to be here. I work in jewelry. Anybody fuck around with jewelry? Hell, yeah. I tell you what, my girlfriend's a real like one now that I fuck with jewelry. Because now she gets all the free pearl necklaces that she wants. Am I right right here, brother?

Come on, hell, yeah. Hell, yeah. Love working in jewelry. Sit on a bench all day fixing clean stuff. The other day, right here, brother, come on, hell yeah. Oh yeah. Love working in jewelry. Sit at a bench all day fixing clean stuff. The other day, I had a necklace, right, with a crucifix pendant, and Jesus had fallen off of the cross. So guys, I got paid to re-crucify Jesus Christ. I have the best fucking job in the world.

I'd have done it for free, you know what I'm saying? It's like I was in the passion of the Christ. It was so cool. I was a little worried about my craftsmanship, though. Like, I didn't know if I did a good job or not, so I went and asked the guy how I did. He said, brother, you nailed it. Oh, that's a good Jesus joke, guys. A lot of Jesus lovers here tonight. All right.

That's my time, guys. My name is Tyler Wright. Thank you very much. -♪ Jesus Christ, 51 name is Tyler Wright. Thank you very much. Jesus Christ. 51 seconds from Tyler Wright. A little premature. Do you exclusively only do jewelry jokes? I have a good, like, 10-minute chunk on jewelry, yeah. Wow. Well, we got to see a whole minute.

There wasn't a single gem to be found. Fuck. Wow. Tyler, how long have you been on stand-up? About a year and a half. A year and a half. How long have you been working with jewelry? About three years. Okay. All right, what are our thoughts here, guys?

You just saw Tyler write for the first time. I mean, it wasn't enough for the Jews to kill Jesus once. You had to kill him again, dude. It's fucked up, man. He had it coming. We all knew that. Okay. What's your writing process like, Tyler?

Are you just writing? I'm writing. I'm writing. I'm writing. I'm writing. I'm writing. I'm writing. I'm writing. Jesus killed Jesus once, you had to kill him again, dude. It's fucked up, man. He had it coming, we all knew that. Okay, what's your writing process like, Tyler? Are you just playing with jewelry all day and thinking about it and how it can connect with people? I mean, just kind of what funny shit happens,

like, you know, like, did Jesus think that was a real thing? Jesus was off the cross and I had to put him back on? Like, I just thought that was fucking hilarious. Whee! and I had to put them back on. I just thought that was fucking hilarious. Whistle Laughter You thought wrong, Tyler. Laughter How big was the Jesus?

Six inches, something like that. Whoa, that's a giant Jesus to have on a chain. Is this like a wrapper or something like that? I couldn't tell you. I don't fuck with the customers. I just work in the back. You work in the back of the jewelry place, just back there like a mad chemist.

Yes, sir. You have like a little microscope thing or something? Yeah, I have like a gem scope and a scope that goes over, a big mask, because you can get sick from all the dust and filings and stuff like that. You would wear a mask. You look like the type You would wear a mask. You look like... No, no. You look like the type that would wear a mask.

What do you identify as? I'm a white male. Yes. I'm sorry, everybody. I don't know what's going on here. Tyler, tell us more about your actual life. What do you do for fun when you're not sitting there under a gymscope? Yes, sir. I love pro wrestling. Big pro wrestling fan. I've been wrestling for about four and a half there under a gymscope? Yes, sir. I love pro wrestling. Big pro wrestling fan.

I've been wrestling for about four and a half years as well. You wrestle? Yes, sir. What? Yeah. All shapes and sizes these days. That's right. Wow.

Here is the jeweler. Oh. That's pretty good. Oh. He's going to give you a thing. Oh. Some big moves coming from the jeweler. Oh, he's going to give you a thing. Oh, some big moves coming from the jeweler.

When he takes his mask off, you know he means business. It's the jeweler coming up next to definitely get his fucking ass kicked. Have you ever won even in fantasy pro wrestling that you probably booked? Do you ever win? I have. I've won two titles actually. Two tag titles.

Whoa, tag titles. Who's your tag team partner? I had two separate tag titles. Oh wow. Holy shit. This is unbelievable. One with Giuseppe Gambini was my one partner with our manager, Jackie Jester, also my girlfriend.

Oh wow, small world. Yeah, I know right. Steven Drockner was my one partner with our manager, Jackie Jester, also my girlfriend. Oh, wow, small world. Yeah, I know, right? Steven Drockner was my other tag partner. Shout out, Steven. Okay, there you go, very good. Shout out to Nicholas Gambini. Shut the fuck up, dude. Oh, that's amazing.

How long you been on standup, Tyler? About a year and a half. A year and a half. You have a girlfriend? I sure do. She signed up as well. Yeah, how long has she been on stand-up? About five years.

It's crazy that you say this because Red Band just informed me that the producers who go and wrangle the other people inform me that she, coincidentally, in a bucket with over 250 names, is the next bucket pool. That's fucking insane. That's fucking insane. It is insane. We've been here for two weeks. We just moved here. Well, let's see what happens.

You might win another tag team championship here tonight. Ah! Before I give you your little jokebook and send you on your way, why don't you stand back here with D Madness and I'll bring up your girlfriend, who I'm guessing is going to be a lot funnier than you. Ladies and gentlemen, 60 seconds uninterrupted from the jeweler's girlfriend, Jenny Rodriguez. I saw an article the other day that was titled,

Woman Born With Two Vaginas, starts in OnlyFans. And I thought, woman born with two vaginas, that's a crazy way to announce that. You have an asshole. I don't have an asshole. My senior prank in high school was a school shooting. It was hilarious. Everyone was just dying. Now they have mass shootings.

Mass shootings is that where the clergy blows their load? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Thank you. If you guys don't like dark jokes, then you're racist. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. On a lighter note, I gave sheep acid the other day. He was tripping balls. Thank you. Okay. Jenny Rodriguez. Hell yeah.

Welcome, welcome. That was very funny. Thank you. Thank you. I appreciate it. Very funny. So bright in here. Hell yeah.

It is. It's a real comedy showroom. Where do you normally perform? So I did stand up in South Bend, Indiana, and I was like, I'm going to go to the gym. I'm going to go to the gym. I'm going to go to the gym. I'm going to go to the gym. It's very funny. So bright in here. Hell yeah. It is. It's a real comedy showroom. Where do you normally perform? So I did stand up in South Bend, Indiana, at the Drop Comedy Club for five years

before we moved here to Austin just two weeks ago. South Bend, where you were born and raised? I was born and raised in Elkhart, Indiana. Did you go to Notre Dame? No. What were you doing in South Bend? South Bend was the only place around where I lived that did comedy.

Beyond South Bend, you would be looking at probably Chicago, really. It was the closest big area that did stand-up. OK. And you've been doing it five years? Five years now. How do you make a living? How do I make a living?

I work at Costco. What vape store do you work at? Costco. Costco. Costco, that's a cool place to work. I work as a tire installer at Costco. Whoa. Damn.

I'm surprised you're not tired of your corny ass boyfriend. A real rim job this guy is, am I right? He's got no BF Good jokes over here. He knows how to fill me up. Whoa! Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh my God. You're coming inside of a Rodriguez? That is dangerous. You might have to change your last name from right to wrong.

I told him he should take my last name so he gets booked more. Oh! There's going to be some angry Rodriguez's out there. Hey, why you give that guy our names? He fucking sucks! Jenny! Jenny, cousin! Why you be giving on our rainbow?

I'm gonna go play trumpet for the Kill Tony band. Oh. All right. I love it. What else is going on, Jenny? What do you do for fun? For funsies, I know he touched on it. We do pro wrestling.

You do it too? Yeah, yeah, I'm currently, I'm still training. I wouldn't touched on it. We do pro wrestling. You do it too? Yeah, yeah. I'm currently, I'm still training. I wouldn't call myself like... I want to join this league. I'm pretty sure I'm the, I'm pretty sure I'd be the Brock fucking Lesnar of this wrestling universe.

Pretty sure I would just throw people everywhere. Dicks on your chest. This is unbelievable. Just the fucking pussy federation. Unbelievable. Just the fucking pussy federation. There's no way I would take an L to the jeweler. What's your, do you have like a wrestling personality? My wrestling gimmick was Jackie Jester.

I was a clown. I would do jokey jokes. Oh, okay. Jokey jokes. Hell yeah. I love it. I love it. How does it feel being the dominantly funny force in a relationship?

It's good that he knows his place. I'd love to have you on the Secret Show Thursday. Oh! And I got two joke books here. One for you and one for you. You ready? Boom. Jenny Rodriguez and her boyfriend, Tyler Wright.

Hell yeah. Yeah. We're having fun here and yet it is time indeed. Oh, thank you. Make some noise for Heidi, everybody. The great and powerful Heidi. Indeed this podcast is sponsored by Squarespace, the all in one website platform for entrepreneurs to stand out and succeed online.

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He is a force of nature. I ran into him today at the airport in Atlanta because we were all coming home from separate gigs. He's a superstar. Make some noise for the great powerful Cam Patterson everybody. I was recently in Appleton, Wisconsin. You from Wisconsin? Oh yeah, fuck Wisconsin. Appleton, Wisconsin is a good place to quietly kill yourself. It was the worst place on earth. I'm from Florida.

I shouldn't be in Appleton fucking Wisconsin. Oh, we got cheese. We got cheese curds. Fuck your cheese curds, nigga. They disgusting. They were pretty delicious. I liked them a lot. But that's all we need from that place is cheese curds. The rest of that place can go to fucking hell, dog. Well, Appleton, Wisconsin didn't have homeless people. And some of y'all probably like, yo, that's pretty dope. Can you know how bad your home time gotta be for niggas?

Be like, I don't even wanna be homeless here. That place is fucking terrible, dog. When I was at Appleton, a white dude looked me dead in my face and was like, you a dirty fucking nigger. I'm playing that didn't happen. But if it did, it would have made the trip ten times better, dog. Thank y'all so much. That's how you do it. That's it. Un-fucking-believable.

Unbelievable. That's how you do it. Right there. I was stressing about this one, boy. This was fun. Oh, yeah. That was great. Thank you.

That was great. You're an absolute machine. I've said it before. I'll say it again. Now that you're doing the road every weekend, to be able to come back on Mondays with a fresh perspective of different places around America and to be able to make fun of them different ways and have different things happen and still have your own style of Mr. X and you don't see the switch coming. It's so cool. Thank you.

And it's fucking amazing. What else is going on? What was fun in Wisconsin? It was terrible. Madison was great. Madison, Wisconsin was phenomenal. That was a great place. Yeah. Well, why was that great? The club was awesome. The club was awesome. You know what I'm saying?

Uh-huh. Yeah, but Appleton is a shit hole. Like they don't need a place. They don't need to be a thing. You know what I'm saying? I don't think, I think we should blow that bitch the smithereen. We should blow it up.

We should blow it up. I think that's the best option for Appleton, Wisconsin. You should blow it up. You should blow it up. I think that's the best option for Abbotin, Wisconsin is to blow it up. Yeah, I hate it so much. It was terrible. We was there and we was hanging out with this girl and there was a dude sitting on the ground and she had like work boots on and she placed her work boot on his face and I just thought, oh, that's her homeboy, they do this all the time. And it wasn't.

He was like, who the fuck is you bitch? And started cussing out. This is when I realized I'm becoming somebody in life. Cause while he was like, I fucking kill you, he went, are you Cam Patterson? I'm like, I gotta get the fuck out of Appleton, Wisconsin. This place is terrible. Then he beat her ass. It was crazy.

I just watched and applauded, nigga. What made Madison better? Tell us about the positives of Madison. Nothing. It was nothing, nothing. I didn't get no pussy or nothing. Madison was terrible. Oh, Madison, oh, I'm sorry.

Madison was great. The club was awesome. Yeah, the club's awesome. What else? I got some head, that was cool. Oh, okay. Got some head, I got some head. That was great. That was pretty awesome. Okay. But other than that, Wisconsin, I mean,

Wisconsin as a whole is just like, you know what I'm saying? Milwaukee cool, because they got niggas there. But other than that, Wisconsin as a whole is just like, you know what I'm saying? Milwaukee cool, because they got niggas there, but other than that, you feel me? Is that a positive or a negative? It depends on how you look at it, Tony. I know how I look at it. I was wondering how you look at it. I like it. They started, the Kia boys started up. What?

The Kia boys. The people that be, it's like a group of teenagers that just steal Kia's. You know about that? Kia's? Yeah, yeah. Kia boys. Yeah, the Kia boys. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, so the Kia boys started in Milwaukee, so I fucked with them. They cool. Yeah, yeah. Okay. Shout out to Car Thieves. So the Kia boys started in Milwaukee, so I fucked with them, they cool. Yeah, yeah. Okay. Uh, shout out to car thieves. Um. That's a good old plug.

Good people to have on your side, just in case you ever have a Kia that you park in front of a theater while you're performing at. Oh, I love it. Fun times. Fun times. How's life in Austin treating you? Like, cool, I'm barely here Fun times. Fun times. How's life in Austin treating you?

Like, cool, I'm barely here now. That's dope, thank y'all, you feel me? Life changed. So I'm never really here, but when I am, I just sleeping shit. What are you spending your money on? Uh, cologne. Whoa.

Hell yeah. You like good cologne? Mind a lot of cologne. I'm buying too much cologne. I look like this, but I have on $300 worth of cologne right now. Wow. And it's pretty insane to be like, yeah, look at me, but also smell me, though, bitch.

You feel what I'm saying? I smell phenomenal. I do. Are you mixing them? Do you have a favorite? I got right now, I'm fucking with Bleepman Place, Bleepman Place from Bond of a Nile. You say it three times, he appears out of nowhere. Bleepo Place, Bleepo face, bleepo face. Just a black needle juice shows up.

Ay, say my name. Say my name, say my name. I'm Beetle Blop. I'm Beetle Blop. Yeah, but I feel like bleepinakman right now. That shit hard. Every time you say it, it's different. How you say it, Redman? You haven't said it the same way twice.

Bleakman place. You say it again. Bleakman place. Bleakman place. There's no L in it, first of all. Spoiler alert. How you say it? Sounds like you're saying it into a walkie talkie. The fragrance notes. You're not going to believe the,

it literally says the fragrance notes. Red band has pointed out, it says the fragrance notes are pineapple, watermelon. And fried chicken. This is unbelievable. I cannot believe you. Cam, you don't need cologne. That's what you would smell like. All right. Too much fun. That's going to get edited out. Thank you. Kidding. It's not. It never is. That was a lick. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh.

Uh. Uh. Uh. Cam, you're absolutely killing it. You're exactly what a fucking regular on this show and his job doesn't rotate. He has a hard job of writing and performing 60 seconds every week with extremely high expectations.

You're only competing with yourself. It's unbelievable. Make some noise for Cam Patterson. -♪ Woo! Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. All right, we're gonna keep it moving along. It's time for your next bucket pool. We're gonna meet them all together. It's 60 seconds uninterrupted for Benjamin Grelley,

or Greely? Grelley, perhaps? Make some noise for Benjamin, everybody. Hello, how are you? Nice to see you. My name's Ben. I'm from Boston. Anybody ever been to Boston?

All right, hey, my condolences. Did you get mugged? I missed you, motherfucker. Son of a bitch. I grew up in the Italian section of town. It wasn't quite a ghetto, it was more of a spigetto, if you know what I mean. My parents were migrant pizza pickers. They came here during the Great Pepperoni Warming.

It was in all the Italian history books. My wife's beautiful. She's a beautiful Italian girl. She's got the face of an angel. An angel with a fucking mustache. She's got a big, goofy mustache. Makes Tom Selleck jealous. Hey, you guys know who Tom Selleck is. My wife's very skinny. She kind of looks like this. She's so skinny she has to tease her pubic hair just to keep her pants up.

All right, all right. Look what we got here. There's more. I bet. I saw you today walking out here. You wanna do some more? I was impressed. I'm a fucking Tony Anshkul.

Motherfucker. Wow. You just to do some more? I was impressed. I'm a fucking Tony Anshkul. Motherfucker. Wow. You just got all quiet. What happened? What? You got quiet there. Yeah, I got mixed up. Anyway, I went to the Art Institute of Boston.

Holy shit. This guy's all over the place. Yeah. I love a fucking... I love that guy, Kim. He's fucking funny. I'm not retarded. It's okay. If you want to say the N-word, that guy, Kim. He's fucking funny, huh? I'm not retarded, but I like... It's okay.

If you want to say the N-word, you can, Benjamin. Oh. What's that, Nebraska? Hey, I like your style. Anyway, I went to the Art Institute of Boston. Segway. You're fucking me up here. Hold on.

We was in art school. We had a football team. We were called the Van Goghs. Our helmets only had one ear hole. All right, over here, Benjamin, over here. We got a flag on the play. Sneaking in a joke that has nothing to do with what we're talking about here. Am I done?

I love your style. How old are you, Benjamin? How long have you been doing stand-up? I've been doing stand-up about 12 years altogether, but I stopped for 14. I did, I did, I started in 89. Brian Holtzman was at my very first open mic. Yeah, yeah, actually. In Boston?

No, in San Francisco, the Holy City Zoo. San Francisco, you were performing at a zoo? Yes, for the alligators and bears. What? For the alligators and bears at the zoo. OK, but you're originally from Boston. Yes. What have you been doing for a living your whole life?

Well, I was in the restaurant business for a long time. My brother and I had five restaurants in Santa Barbara, one in California. Wow. And after the past five years, I've been robbing banks and rolling old people. No, I've been driving Uber. You're adorable. You're adorable.

You come in and out and then sometimes it makes perfect sense and sometimes it doesn't. Have you ever thought about being president of the United States of America? Oh. Oh. Thank you. I already got my running mate.

Likeable, you go off on your own tangents. Yeah, I'm sorry. I had hairy legs as I had. No, you said. My wife, my wife has hairy legs. My wife got a big fucking mustache. Okay. I love it.

Jesus, you're creepy. Did you make good money selling your five restaurants in Santa Barbara? My brother did but I didn't have your brother screwed you over No, but he had more money invested than I did. I invested about 1750 Is that 17 dollars and 50 cents? You sure you got lunch there one time? Is that what you're saying?

I didn't have a lot of money. I spent it all on drugs, but I don't do drugs anymore. What kind of drugs were you smoking? I had a 32-year heroin habit, believe it or not. Wow! No fucking way! Hey, I got a response out of Joe. That's good.

Yeah, I started when I was 19. Then I started doing this. Okay, okay, hold on, hold on, hold on. You're having flashbacks right now. Bro, you look like the guy who sold to the Manson family. This is incredible. So let's talk about the 32 year long heroin habit. Yeah, that was a motherfucker. I don't think suggested for it.

How did it start? What made you start heroin? You remember that time? You remember that first? First of all, how long have you been sober? Uh, 17 years. 17 years. Yeah. 17. Thank you. But let's rewind.

Let's go seven... Let's go 32 years before that. What was... What made you try it? What was it like the first time when that hot needle hit the vein and all of a sudden you plunge down on that plunger and all of a sudden the feeling that would change your life for the next 32 years starts flowing through your veins. I imagine, I mean, life-changing moment for you.

32 years, oh, there it is, there you go. He's in it, he's in it, folks. I've hypnotized him back to being a heroin addict. All right, grab the microphone there, Benjamin. So tell us, how'd you start? What made you try it? What was it like? All right, grab the microphone there, Benjamin. So tell us, how'd you start? What made you try it? What was it like?

Well, I had a Puerto Rican girlfriend. Oh, that is how everything starts. Jesus Christ! Jesus Christ! And her brother was a heroin dealer. And all my idols were heroin users. The Beatles, the Rolling Stones, Jimmy Hendrix, Janis Charplin. Name somebody else. No, we got you, we got you. He's run out of...

Lenny Bruce. I was a drummer in a rock band. I hear you. Make sure you talk right into the tip of the microphone. I was a drummer in a rock band. No, don't do that. Don't do that, but you... This guy's good.

You're a natural entertainer. You know, the guys that did Heroin, all those big bands and everything that you named, they didn't stop doing their art when they were on heroin. You made the weird decision to take a break. No, I was going to art school during all that. You were going to school? What kind of art? If you're on heroin, you're supposed to be teaching art school, not going to it.

Yeah. My art is kind of eclectic. A few of my paintings have blood in them, as a matter of fact. Yeah. Glad we asked that question. You're a good drummer. Benjamin, so what types of other things would you do while on the... Wait a minute, you're just going to let

that blood thing slide by? I mean... Don't you want to probe him a little bit? Go ahead. Probe me. Probe me. Probe me! This fucking guy. No probing allowed.

I did live in San Francisco. I was in a bar one day, a guy came up to me, he said, may I push in your stool? Okay. Benjamin, you're doing jokes out of joke books up here. I got to... No, do you hear that joke book? Okay, Benjamin, relax.

I better tow that up. Tell us more about your life. What's your love life been like? You have any kids? Yeah, I have one kid, he's 55. He's 55, so for 32 years. And two granddaughters. Okay, let's talk about the crossover

between your 55-year-old child and your 32-year heroin addiction. How did that affect you raising your kid, do you think? Oh, uh, it wasn't good. I mean... Tell us more. Yeah, it's not good to have a junkie for a father. Did you ever have a moment where you were like, uh,

where it, like, it affected you and his thing directly? Uh, not really. Not really. I kept him... I wish he was here to hear that answer. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

He's, he's. Dad, what the fuck? Hey, that sounds just like him, actually. Yeah. That's the fuck, no, yeah. Benjamin, before I let you go, tell me, your whole life, how old are you again? 73.

73, you are adorable. You are absolutely adorable. Thank you, man. I appreciate that. Your entire life, you know, not entire life behind you, but all that experience, 73 years, what's like the craziest thing that's ever happened to you? What's the thing that you're the most proud of or something like that? Proud or crazy?

Both. Answer anything. I used to get high with the night stalker, Richard Ramirez. Oh! Fucking great answer. That is the first time in 11 years that anybody's answered that question with that answer.

I mean, that is just absolutely incredible. And by the way, I believe it. And by the way, I believe it. And by the way, I think Richard Ramirez was more afraid of you than you ever were of him. He was pretty weird. Yeah, tell us about it. He used to get dope from the same guy I got dope from.

And I was in there getting some heroin and coke. Speed balls, don't do speed balls. Yeah, yeah right, yeah. Did you hallucinate? Holy shit, all right. What are you, making a deal out here? What's going on? Keep on the story.

I saw a giant guinea pig in my driveway once. I did so much fucking speed balls. Somehow I understood Cam Patterson better than you. This is incredible. I like rocks, but I'm never tired of them. Somehow I understood Cam Patterson better than you. This is incredible. I like rocks, but I've never tried them. You were saying you met Richard Ramirez. He said, I like rocks, by the way,

for those of you that missed it on the Cam Patterson part. I could relate to him right away. Okay. Anyway, yeah, I forgot the question. Richard Ramirez, remember smoking weed with him? Yeah, no. Was it weed or crack? What was it, heroin? Yeah, it forgot the question. Richard Ramirez, remember smoking weed with him? Yeah, no. Was it weed or crack? What was it, heroin?

Yeah. Shooting coke? Coke and heroin, speed balls. Wow. OK, yeah, gotcha. John Belushi. OK. He was a novice, poor guy.

But anyway, yeah, so he was in there. Then when he left, he busted a dope deal. He's like, that fucking guy is weird, man. He's got a pentagram in his room under the rug. And he laughed and busted a dope deal. He's like, that fucking guy is weird, man. He's got a pentagram in his room under the rug. Ooh. And he was weird. He had black eyes and he was very strange. Then I went home in San Francisco,

my girlfriend's like, holy shit, Richie's on the news. That's when they caught him. Richie? You were so close with Richard Ramirez. That's his name. You guys called him Richie? That's his name. You guys called him Richie? That's his name.

His name is Richie. Wow. I didn't know he was a night star. Oh my. He was on the fucking news in LA. People were chasing him down the street. Run Richie! Oh my god.

That is fucking crazy. I also used to get high with Timothy Treadwell, you know Timothy? The grizzly man, guy that got eaten by a bear. Wait, what? Are you serious? I swear to God. Who is it though? Dude, heroin rules. You need the coolest people.

I didn't know. Heroin rules, I said. Oh, yeah. Don't try to take my advice. What was that guy like? Really, I'm not glorifying drug use by any means, really. Don't fucking try. Tell us more about Treadwell. He was a really nice guy, but he was fucking nuts, you know?

I met him from my friend at this bar in Santa Monica. You guys probably, the English pub there right on Santa Monica Boulevard. And he was always in there and he had pictures of beer prints in the snow and he would name the beers after the guys in the bar. So, yeah, he never got to me, though. But anyway, we would tell him. Did he get around to Richie? Are you your good friend Richie?

No. No, this is Timmy. But anyway... Did Timmy ever try to kiss you or anything like that? No. Why would that be a thing? Yeah, have you seen the movie? No. You haven't seen Grizzly Man? Yeah, I don't remember. Gay part? Have you seen the movie? No.

You haven't seen Grizzly Man? Yeah, I don't remember. A gay part? The whole thing. Really? Every moment of the joke. Isn't there a guy that gets eaten by the bear? It's literally about a guy pretending not to be gay and he's going so far out of the way that he lives with monsters in the woods and gets eaten.

It sounds like the story of my life. It's a Tony Hinchcliffe documentary. It's an amazing film. It's Wer unintentional- Sounds like the story of my life. I mean, this is a Tony Hinchcliffe documentary. It's an amazing film. It's Werner Herzog. It's fucking great, man. It's really funny. It's been a long time since I've seen it. Yeah, I don't know if he was gay or not.

He had a girlfriend, and she finally went with him to Alaska. She got ate too. And she got eaten, yeah. And not a good eating, you know? Right. Right. Right.

Benjamin, I like your style, man. You're getting a big joke bug. Congratulations. Benjamin Graglia, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you. Hey, I would love to have you on the secret show Thursday. Whoa, he has no idea, by the way. He has no idea what just happened.

Are you in town Thursday? I would love to have you on the secret show at the sunset. I'll be there at 7 a.m. 7 a.m. He's gonna be there. Unbelievable. Unbelievable. All right, Benjamin, get back there. Get back there. We'll see you later.

Catching up with Joe. Make some noise to the lovely Heidi, everybody. You must admit, this place is a real sausage fest. We need a little fucking feminine energy. Okay, another bucket pull, here we go. Just like Benjamin, we're gonna meet them all together. It's Sebastian E.B., everybody, Sebastian E.B. 60 seconds uninterrupted.

["Bad Boy"] How we doin', Austin? Okay, all right. Damn, it's hot. Austin, it's hot. Real quick, let's give a quick happy Pride Month to all the people that classify under LGBTQ MEP. You know, Ty Ravetta, Bobby Brown, Tony, right?

Okay, no, no, I messed up. Right, so look, okay, look, I'm an ally. Look, I'm an ally, unlike Tony though, no homo, I'm wearing socks. I'm wearing socks, if you know, you know. As an ally though, I am wondering, how deep are we going to implement it into our education system, right? Are we gonna start going A, as in lonely ass, asexual? B, as in everyone is bi, basically, right?

C, as in watch for hepatitis C. D, for demisexual, and E, for everyone who's confused on the difference between bi and pansexual. We gotta look out for the dyslexics out there, am I right? Come on. Damn. Oh, happy Pride Month, y'all. Whoo! That's about a minute.

Eh. Ooh. This is just like last time. Okay. No. Sebastian, it's okay. It's okay. Thank you. Thank you, Tony. Did you really do gay jokes in that jacket? Yeah. It's okay. It's okay. Thank you. Thank you, Tony. Did you really do gay jokes in that jacket? It's unbelievable.

It's the color of the show! I didn't pick the color of the show. That's outrageous, sir. Okay. It's the gayest jacket I've ever seen in my life, for real. It couldn't be gayer if there were metal dicks on it. I did get it in Wimberly. You know, you've been to Wimberley. You literally look like you're doing the walk of shame for Michael Jackson's house. After what he did to me, I can take his jacket. Shouldn't have left it on the floor next to

me. It's crazy. Somebody said that earlier already. Damn. What? Nothing. never mind. I mean, if you're gonna say stuff, you have to at least enunciate. There was a guy, 73, and completely out of place and delusional on before you. We understood some of it.

Uh, Sebastian, how long you been on stage trying to perform? You met me last year, Tony. Okay, so what's the answer to the question? You're not memorable, Sebastian. How new is that jacket? You're the jacket guy now. You're that guy that wore that jacket. That's what my friends say too.

Oh, look, I've been doing this since last year, but really technically really four months. I quit like seven months old. I basically... Ooh! Jesus, Sebastian. Sebastian, you're in that moment right now. You're on the show, you've seen the show,

you've seen the interview part. You're in that moment right now. This is your moment. Oh, he's putting down the book. No. Obviously it didn't work. So Sebastian, do you try a lot? You seem very nervous and uncomfortable and out of place.

Well, I have a jacket on. I mean, it's hot in here, you know what I'm saying? Can I take off the jacket? You think it's hot in here? It's normal temperature in here. Where you were, outside was hot. That's true, that's true. Uh oh.

Just taking off the jacket. What if he just starts killing after taking off the jacket? Now that that's off, what's the deal with... Da da da da! It's off the jacket! Jesus Christ, I'm fucking killing it up here. Thank God I got the weight of that jacket off my shoulders. Oh!

Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Tony Warner, you're about to bomb right now, man. Whoa, wait a minute Why does it look better on you than it did on me? That's not fair 5000 times better like you and that's actually actually it fucking totally worse. Yeah. Yeah works like cyber

You were built for that fucking jacket and that jacket was built for you. We might have found you a new look, son. It could be cursed. It could be cursed. No, you could break that curse. I actually have different intentions for this jacket tonight, actually. Look, uh, this reminded me... Oh, my God, is it gonna explode? What race are you? I had different...

different intentions for this jacket. What the fuck? Pull the string. We talked about the string. I had different intentions for this, Jack. Pull the string. We talked about this last time. I'm Italian. Bartolomeo is my last name. Oh, we don't claim you. Italians don't want you to say you're Italian.

From now on, you're Iranian. Jesus Christ. Jesus fucking Christ, Tony. I love one. What do you do for work? Uh, last time I said it, I got fired. I'm gonna play the fifth. Well, since you got fired, what did you say last time? Last time I was a marketing guy.

Okay, Tony, can I say something? Jesus fucking Christ. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. You are terrible. Go ahead. I was terrible last time. Look. What keeps you going? Ha ha ha. Good times and weeds sometimes. How much did you pay for the jacket?

Uh, a lot. How much? Can you answer any questions? You're on a show. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. $500. $500. No, you didn't. Why?

It's a good deal. So hot in here. It's a good jacket. I think it looks cool. I took some great pics with it in Colorado. You should see them. Oh, fuck, man. Are those your glasses on your necklace or did you just meet a wacky jeweler before coming

on stage? No real, but I look better without him, so I just take him out. Well, let's see you with him. We want to see your real self. We want to see how God made you. Like, like this. This is not made by God.

It's made by... Oh, there he is. What a fucking dork. Oh, man, you thought you could just take those glasses off and put on that jacket? I... I do. I identify as a different man.

Wait, wait, wait. So, like I said, I have different intentions for this jacket. When I bought it, it looked like Eddie Murphy's jacket in Raw. Little bit, right? Oh, my God. When you bought it, it looked like that? What happened to it?

Dude, no, that was the first thing I thought when I was watching you do your thing. I'm like, dude, he's like Eddie Murphy from fucking Rome. Yeah. Yeah. Except he's actually delirious. Yeah. Yeah. Right, but who reminds us of Eddie Murphy lately?

I mean, Kat Patterson. He's been killing it, right? Yeah, Kat Patterson. Yeah's been killing it, right? Yeah, Kat Patterson, yeah, he's really killing it out there. Great point. Unlike me, so unlike me. Deep madness can only hear, so he never misses a joke. It's a little fun fact. I was hoping I could give this to him,

but only if he gets on stage, because this was expensive jacket. No, no, it's going to Matt McCusker. Okay, okay, I'll keep the jacket. I'm actually glad you said that. I wanted to keep it. Okay, well, there you go. It'll serve you well. Thank you, Joe.

Wow. Damn, dude. It's perfect. The good news is it's just the right color that when you blow your brains out, we can bury you in it. And it's gonna the right color that when you blow your brains out we can bury you in it And it's gonna blend right in with your brains Did you get a little joke book last time I'm guessing

It's actually in the jacket. I believe it is another terrible answer. He just he goes out the way he came in. Just absolute pure sadness. Nothing more, nothing less. No secret show, no joke book. I was originally going to offer you money for the jacket to give to Matt McCusker, but I don't even want to do that. I could really use that. I just got back from Vegas. You know how that goes.

Hey, you know how Vegas goes, am I right? You can boo better than that! Ladies and gentlemen, it's a scary show to sign up for. Anything can happen. Gentlemen, it's a scary show to sign up for. Anything can happen. With great positives of the show come great negatives. And that was Sebastian E.B., ladies and gentlemen.

There he goes. There he goes, everybody. Sebastian E.B., straight out the curtain. Matt, don't give him that pat. Don't you give him the don't kill yourself pat. It'll, it gets better. You'll do better next time. It's all okay.

I know what those pats mean. Deep madness can read those like Braille. It won't be that bad again. You'll do better. Down the road. Keep practicing. I don't even remember what I said. I was like, oh, I was really bad.

The padding is sadder than no padding. Got fucking Cam Paddington over here. So stupid. I'm an idiot. But I do have something to change the momentum, I do believe, of Sebastian E.B.'s set. And that is, you know, one of our rotating opening regulars is such a hungry fucking wolf.

And he's so hell bentbent on getting American citizenship within the next seven months that he said he had another new minute ready. He's absolutely hilarious. Ladies and gentlemen, this is indeed the Estonian assassin Ari Matty. ["Ari Matty"] ["Ari Matty"]

["Ari Matty"] Hello Austin, Texas. My luck has been turning. I won something on Facebook. I won myself a case of Red Bull. Dude, I have so much fucking Red Bull at my place now. My fridge slammed with Red Bull. Chicks come over to my place, you get two Red Bulls, bam. I'm now like the opposite of Bill Cosby. Pitches at my place are sharp. the opposite of Bill Cosby.

Bitches at my place are sharp. What was that? Where's your pants? No misunderstandings at my place. The next day you can't be like, I can't remember much, bitch. I gave you three Red Bulls, I saw you fly away. Thank you very much. Fuck yes.

Thank you. Thank you. Monsterville over here in K Tony regular shipland. I absolutely love your appearances on this show. Thank you. So distinctly strong. It gets stronger. You set something up and you fucking knock it down.

I had no idea where you were going with the I have so much Red Bull shit. Thank you so much, Tony. Amazing stuff, Ari Mati. Is it true? Is it true that I have Red Bull? Yeah. Bullshit. Thank you so much, Tony. Amazing stuff, Ari Matty. Amazing place. Is it true? What? Is it true that I have Red Bull?

Yeah. I have so much Red Bull, Tony. You wanna come over? Make you remember that night. You know, no sleep. Amazing. I love it here. Tell me more.

I love it here, Amazing Club more. I love it here. Amazing club. Thank you, Joe Rogan. And also Red Band, Sunset Comedy Club. Very good. I know, I know. Comedians are like, the ceilings are too high. Well, how about you kill harder?

Wow. Very good. It was fun having him as a regular on the show everybody it was really good. It's your early retirement tonight you have nothing to do but go sit and write and drink Red Bull. Now it's fun. How's life going Ari Mati? It's amazing I went to get the social number today. Oh, very good. You should probably know for your test. It's called a social security number.

Well, I don't have it yet, so I don't feel secure. I love it. I love it. You have a social insecurity number. Yes. Amazing. What else are you going through? What is this process like? I love it. You have a social insecurity number. Yes. Amazing. What else are you going through? What is this process like? Tell us, because, you know, we never get to talk to the migrants that we don't like. So tell us what becoming an American citizen legally the right way, for those of you watching, across the border.

Well, the interview, I mean, first of all, I had to get the interview in an American embassy, and I don't know if you guys know this, but American embassy is fucking scary. American embassy. American embassy. And here's another suggestion for immigrants. Don't make jokes at immigration.

Dude, no, literally, I go for the interview. They ask me, like, have you ever been part of a terrorist organization like Al-Qaeda or ISIS? And I go, well, if I don't get this visa, I will be. Uh. Dude. ["The Black Death"] This lady literally just looks at me, what was that? Crazy, don't do that, Matt McCosker.

Ari is this funny all the time, by the way. He's very quickly becoming one of my favorite drinking buddies. We're kind of dangerous around each other in the late hours I have a problem yes yes you get really fun between like midnight and two I can't even imagine what Red Bulls at your place are like after that you should see me at four it's gay city you know You know what I'm saying? I bet. You have a 73-year-old heroin addict over your house just kicking it. And he is like a Tom Selleck. I love it. Also, Joe Rogan, you know I used to do fighting. You know that?

I went 0 and 3. He was an MMA fighter. Was not for me. No, thank you. I do fighting, you know that? I went 0 and 3. He was an MMA fighter. Was, not for me, no thank you. How did these people beat you? Can you describe a match? Just mentally, like I don't have it. I just don't have like, Oh.

Some guys like, you know. I do know a pro wrestling federation you could join and absolutely dominate. Oh. Oh. I'm like more of a, you know, like a fan, like, whew, you know. I could be a great cheerleader.

I just didn't have it. I tried it, me no thank you yeah in a cage with men what else is going on Ari Mati you're making did you really fight yes yeah I tried really hard where were you out of in Estonia. We had a subsidiary of straight blast gym where we had our banger trains and everybody. Yeah it was there's actually a good good system there we have a jujitsu system there the guy comes here teachers at 10th planet you know. Yeah. Okay. I thought you were just fucking around. No no no no I really gave it a shot. You gave it three shots? Yeah. I had a good like a fucking front kick, dude. Show us what it would look like if you actually tried it.

Like you're being silly. Let's see a front kick. What do you want? What do you guys want? Show us some fucking shit. Put the mic in the mic stand. Show us some shit. Here he is, Ari Matty.

You guys ready for this heat? Oh shit. Whoa. Whoa. Oh. Wow. Oh shit. Oh shit.

Wow. And then sometimes at the end, I give a little kiss. The old kiss of death. What are you going to do about that Joe Rogan? Happy Pride Month! Indeed. Happy Pride Month! Indeed. Indeed.

Hilarious. So stupid. The old kiss of death. Imagine somebody landing that in an actual match, how demoralizing. What's more powerful than love? Yeah. Uh.

Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh.

Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Oh, my God. Ari, you're so much goddamn fun. Thank you so much. You're so good at this that we can't even remember Sebastian Eby from eight minutes ago.

Thank you very much, everybody. Ari Nady in a race to become an American citizen. And he's on his way. So good. We got a bucket pull that is from the American people. And we're going to have a great time. We're going to become an American citizen. And he's on his way. So good. We got a bucket pull that is from the inside, ladies and gentlemen.

That means it's one of you representing you that's signed up here tonight. So make some noise for Jonathan Hammond or Hammed. There you go. Jonathan, Jonathan, Jonathan, Jonathan, just come this way. You got it. It's a big step, Jonathan, just come this way, you got it. It's a big step, yeah, but it'll save us 40 seconds. It's Johnny, everybody. Whoo!

Yeah! Yeah! Fuck's on your face! Shut your fucking face! So, I had a crippling porn addiction. I was stuck in a chair. I mean, computer chairs got wheels on it. That's a wheelchair, right? No?

Okay, so I had to stop watching porn because I wasn't seeing what I was looking for. There's not enough porn stars with Down syndrome. Don't pull back. I'm not the one that isn't hiring them. It's just a fact. So I started writing my own script for a porno, right? It's called Triple X Tricromosome,

starring Dicker Downs. They have special needs and so does he. That's my time. Jonathan Hammed? Hamel, like Mark Hamel, H-A-M-M-E-L. Okay, your E and your L is connected. Looked like a D. I'm an idiot.

Hamel, I love it. Okay, Jonathan, welcome. Why do you look like a pirate that landed in New Jersey? Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha ha! I've crashed along these shores, I need a truck suit. Oh, we've crashed in a land called Hoboken.

It is all on now. Okay, Jonathan, what do you do with a mustache like that? What do you do for a mustache like that? What do you do for a job? I work at CVG. What's that? Airport in Cincinnati, that's in Kentucky. Ha ha ha.

The airport. Apologies. What exactly do they have you doing at the airport? Keeping you safe, de-icing the planes. You're the de-icer? Yep, one of them. Wow. And you specialize in specifically de-icing?

Um, I mean that's what I do over the winter. What do you do during the summertime? I work with DHL. DHL? Yeah, I de-ice their planes in the winter and then I help them load them in the summer. You help them load? Yep. Big fat loads. Oh, okay. Sorry. Wow. Geez. I shouldn't have said that. There you go. Alright. How long have you been doing that for?

I've been at the airport seven years this, like, November. Okay. And what made you try stand-up comedy tonight? I mean, it's, I've been doing it for a couple years and... In Cincinnati? Yes. At Go Bananas? I've been at Go Bananas.

Liberty Bone... Funny Bone? Liberty, Funny Bone. Yeah. Did Wileys before, Brickies, uh. Okay. Uh, how's that gone for you? I mean, pretty good, you know.

What brought you to Austin, Texas tonight? Uh, me and my buddy, uh, Jason here, he, uh, he's the one who put me on the Watcher show, and uh, I got him to start doing stand-up about nine months ago. You got your friend Jonathan? Are you pointing at that guy right there? His name's Jason. Okay, Jason, are you pointing at him? That's him?

Yeah, that's him, my bad. You got him to start? Yep. So you, as great as you are, are out there spreading the word, you can do it too. Damn. If I can do it, you can do it. Oh, yeah. I didn't realize I did that bad.

Damn. Okay. You didn't? Yeah, I'm sorry. You're the only person that performed tonight that's literally been in the fucking room the whole time. You didn't notice the audible sound of non-laughter? I mean, it's...

It's fair. What's Jason's last name? You guys came here from Cincinnati together? Yeah, yeah, yeah. What's Jason's last name? Elrod. Is that what he signed up as? Indeed.

Well, then, ladies and gentlemen... Whoo! ...just to see. We had a couple on earlier, and now for Pride Month, we're gonna have a gay couple. Ladies and gentlemen, his better half from Cincinnati, all the way from bum-fucked Egypt, just hillbilly, bumpkin, middle of nowhere.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is 60 Seconds from Jason Elrod, everybody. ["Spring Day"] ["Spring Day"] So, I like to consider myself an ally. I celebrated Pride Month and Juneteenth at the same time by fucking a black trans woman. I know all you scary white boys asking yourselves the same two things.

How was it? Did she steal anything? Yeah. She stole my heart. But no, it was dope. We did some really cool role playing. I swapped races and she swapped genders. And then she showed me this really cool sex position

called the reverse Floyd. It's where she pretended to find a counterfeit $20 bill on me, and then she sat on my face for eight minutes and 46 seconds. Danny, that's my time. I had a feeling. I had a feeling this was gonna happen. He got you to start stand-up, and he transferred all of his powers onto you. I've seen him do really good before.

Of course. No, I'm just kidding. It's all good. You guys are cool. Uh, so, uh, Jason, welcome. That was fantastic. Thank you. Thank you. And you've been doing it nine months? Because of this show is what got me out and doing shit. I love it. And then he told me to go and fucking do it.

I love it. I love it. And obviously by your shirt, I can tell you're also inspired by David Lucas, so that's very exciting. What do you do for a living? I own a small junk removal service. I do Uber and sell a little bit of weed. Okay. Is your father a former heroin addict?

Are you the 55-year-old son that we heard about earlier? A lot of guys with junk removal services, you just lug shit out into a truck and take it places. Took mostly to the dump or the recycling center or we cherry picked the good shit. Damn right, cherry picking. I've been there my friend. Okay.

What's the best thing you've ever cherry picked out of a junk? Someone else's trash is another man's treasure. What's the greatest treasure that you ever cherry picked out of a junk? Someone else's trash is another man's treasure. What's the greatest treasure that you've found? A really recent job. I got one of them 70s styles dressers, sold it to my neighbor for $300, and I got a bunch of water damaged vinyl records, and my homie came, bought those, gave me $100. Did he know they were water damaged?

Yeah, yeah. He cherry picked through them and took what he wanted. Okay. Very cool. Red Band, did you have something you wanted to say? No, I just... Are records, like, waterproof? Like, what... Well, the vinyls can still play if you clean them up, but the sleeves are fucked.

Yeah. Hell, yeah. But enough about your buddy's tracksuit. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. -♪ I'm a rock star, I'm a rock star, I'm a rock star, I'm a rock star, I'm a rock star, I'm a rock star, I'm a rock star, I'm a rock star, I'm a rock star, I'm a rock star, I'm a rock star, I'm a rock star, I'm a rock star, I'm a rock star, I'm a rock star, I'm a rock star, I'm a rock star, I'm a rock star, I'm a rock star, I'm a rock star, I'm a rock star, I'm a rock star, I'm a rock star, I'm a rock star, I'm a rock star, I'm a rock star, I'm a rock star, I'm a rock star, I'm a rock star, I'm a rock star, I'm a rock star, I'm a rock star, I'm a rock star, I'm a rock star, I'm a rock star, I'm a rock star, I'm a rock star, I'm a rock star, I'm a rock star, I'm a rock star, I'm a rock star, I'm a rock star, I'm a rock star, I'm a rock star, I'm a rock star, I'm a rock star, I'm a rock star, I'm a rock star, I'm a rock star, I'm a rock star, I'm a rock star, I'm a rock star, I'm a rock star, I'm a I love it. I love it. What else? What else do you do with life? You leave a lovely lady back in Sinsa-Tucky? I got my eye on a couple right now, but technically single at the moment.

Okay, technically single. What does that mean for a trash remover like you? You fucking... Yes, it means if she's got junk, I'll throw it in my trunk and... Wait. You're gonna shove her cock up your ass? Average white guy size.

Okay. This guy's down to party. Jason, you have any other special skills or talents? You seem like you've done some white rapping in your lifetime. Little chocolate and cheese? I played in a prog rock band for, like like eight years, but we kind of broke up. What did you do in the prog rock band?

Played guitar. You played electric guitar? Yeah. Really? Have you kept up on your guitar skills? Fuck no, dude. I haven't played in months. Did you sing at all?

No. Oh. Yeah. Deep Madness said, yes, you do. But you can tell that you've listened to the show and you don't want to embarrass yourself. Is that true? No, I don't consider myself a singer. No.

You hear how he says, no? No, I don't consider myself. What a weird voice. It works during your stand-up, but it's frightening in real life. No. I would never. No.

All right. Okay, well, guys, I mean, look, you would never. All right. Uh, okay, well, guys, I mean, look, you're here, you're in the front row. I think we have another, just like the couple earlier. I think we gotta divvy it up. One small joke book for you, and one big one for the nine-month veteran who was in the moment. Maybe it was nerves, but you guys come back,

try it again, keep signing up. There you go. You want one of those? Absolutely. There you go. Okay. There you go. Just go. Go get back to your fucking seat. Jesus Christ. The fucking biggest doomba-loompa I've ever seen in my life. This guy's the mayor of the lollipop guild over here.

He's got mayor of Wizard of Oz vibes. That's what I recognize that face from. Oh, Jesus Christ. That was frightening. He just did an impression of him. Okay. Another bucket bowl. You guys still having fun out there?

All right, make some noise for what could be your final bucket bowl tonight. Chase Moat, everybody. Chase Moat, everybody. Chase Moat. Maybe I got your money, don't you worry. So I used to be a youth pastor. Yeah, shut up.

All right. Now, a youth pastor goes by many names. Youth pastor, youth director, pedophile. Yeah, no I'm just kidding jokes, jokes, jokes, but the answer is yes. I told a little girl her gay friend was going to hell. Yeah, she cried her mom yelled at me I was like Jesus Christ lady I just work here. It's just policy don't crucify me. Nah. I lost that job because I got arrested for smoking weed.

Apparently the churches say agree on some things, you know. Gay people going to hell, weed legalities, it's fine. Nah. I also met my wife at Bible College. Yeah, y'all don't like this because y'all are going to hell. We'll get back to that. But I met my wife at Bible College, you know, classic story. Young, religious, you get married so you can have sex. Not our story. classic story young religious you get married to have sex not our story We didn't get married so it has sex. We got married stop feeling bad about it

Yeah, and so she get on birth control pull and praise the dangerous game when you're losing your face All right, we'll in there. Thank y'all Okay, Cameron Chase moat Chase moat. Chase Moat. Yes, sir, Tony Hinchcliffe. Hello. How long you been doing stand up for?

A little over three years. Oh, god. Oh, god, Chase. Two of it was in the church. I'm just kidding. That's a lie. That's a lie. What does that mean?

Is that another church joke? Yeah, I was trying to save myself. I'll stop. I'll let god do it. Yeah. OK. Chase Moat. I'll stop. I'll let God do it. Yeah. Okay. Chase Moat. So three years.

Where have you been doing the three years at? Birmingham, Alabama. Birmingham, Alabama. So a big scene there? Growing. It's growing. Are you part of the growth? I think they cut me off.

No, I moved to Austin now. I'm here. Whoa, he has arrived. Yeah. Wow. The band is saying, fuckin' boo. What made you move here, Chase? Tell us exactly why you moved to Austin, Texas.

I have a wife and a kid. We're both from Birmingham. We always wanted to do a big move. So we were gonna move somewhere. Once comedy became in the mix. How old's the kid? Three years old. You guys always wanted to make a big move? Yeah, yeah, and now comedy's in the mix, so I was like, all right, let's make a move with comedy. Has she seen you perform? Yeah, she has. Okay, has the three-year-old seen you perform? Yeah, he was at my first few mics. Does he start crying when you perform? Yeah, he was at my first few mics.

Does he start crying when you're performing because he sees that his father doesn't have a snowflake's chance in hell at this? Yeah, we put headphones on generally. Oh, well I wish you would do that for the whole audience so that we could listen to a comedy while you're on stage. Can we get 350 pairs of headphones? Actually, Joe's here. Joe, can we get 350? Perfect.

Shout-outs to Spotify for 350 pairs of headphones. Okay, so Chase, what's the best it's ever gone? And what were the jokes that you did that night? Oh, it's gone really good. I mean, usually with more God-fearing people in Alabama, but I think it's... I can see how you could be used to that. How recently did you move to Austin?

Like two weeks. Oh, well, there you go. That's why it's very church-based. You're used to a lot of people going, ha ha, that's crazy, because we would never do that in church. Yeah, yeah, man. We would never do that around here. Right.

Not with our Lord here in Birmingham, because we need the Lord here. We need to make believe. When you hear that music. Alright, stop it. Say you were Deez. I feel a revival happening. Thank you. How would you play church music, Deez? Oh shit. Oh shit. Lord Jesus. Today we gather. Amen, amen.

For our... For the retirement of one of our loved ones. Come on, Tony. A member of the congregation that chased his dreams. Amen. And tonight we encourage his retirement. The bomber of Birmingham. The bomber of Birmingham. The old Alabama silencer.

My God. Got the three-year-old. It's a shame abortion's illegal in Alabama, huh? Okie dokie. I guess I'm bombing now guess I'm bombing now. I'm bombing now. All right, Chase, here's a little joke book. We're gonna keep it moving along.

Sign up again. Write material for human beings. The church goers aren't gonna follow you. There he goes, Chase mode. Yeah, it's what makes the show fun when you see people do good. It's fucking hard. And so you need to see people to do bad to know it's what makes the show fun. When you see people do good, it's fucking hard. And so you need to see people to do bad to know it's real.

And we've had a couple of those tonight, just flatliners. Let's see what happens here. Final bucket pull of the night, I'm calling it. This is Cameron May. Cameron Mai or Cameron May? Cameron Mai or Cameron Meng? Yeah. Woo! Hello.

I'm a very introverted person. I've been trying to put myself out there more and go to parties with people my age. But I've kind of realized I don't like partying with people my age. They all have pink hair and labels. I don't fit in. I have to be like the only guy in his early 20s that just

doesn't really seem to care about labels. Like I was at this party and this girl came up to me she was like oh my gosh you know I really like your hair you seem like taking nice care of your skin are you a metrosexual and full frontal honesty I had no idea what that was I thought people were fucking trains but it turns out for those of you that don't know a metrosexual it's a straight man that's very much in like skincare and lotion and all that other gay shit and to me to me that word is just kind of a crazy testament to how disgusting men are you know. Like they found a guy that uses

shampoo and conditioner and they're like on, what the fuck are you? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Fuck yeah. Fuck yeah. Fuck yeah.

Fuck yeah. Fuck yeah. Fuck yeah. Fuck yeah. Fuck yeah. Fuck yeah. Fuck yeah. Fuck yeah.

Fuck yeah. Fuck yeah. Fuck yeah. Fuck yeah. Fuck yeah. Fuck yeah. Fuck yeah. Fuck yeah.

Fuck yeah. Fuck yeah. Fuck yeah. Fuck yeah. Fuck yeah. Fuck yeah. We're back. Uh... Are you sure you like Pussy Dude? How do you feel about trains? That was all. There you go. All right. Cameron, welcome. Hello. How old are you? I am 21.

21? Wow. Yeah, you look young. You look like you have your own separate livestream of what's happening right now. Like a crew of like punks following you around. I see people like you in these videos. All right. Very good. What video are you talking about?

I'm not familiar with the show. Like on Twitter where you see fucking like these, these, yes, Pornhub. Yeah. Yeah. These TikTokers. You a TikToker? No. I hate the app. Okay. So's TikTokers. You a TikToker? No, I hate the app. Okay. So what do you do? You're 21. Are you chasing Pokemon?

What are we talking about? I'm mostly doing this, to be honest with you. How long you been doing this for? Almost three years. Amazing. One of the funniest people tonight, I do believe. I mean, I don't know. You seem natural up there. Three years of experience at 21. That's a lot.

Thank you. Your parents support you? Uh, well, my mom's like a co-sign on my lease, but other than that, not really. I pay... I pay... I pay... I pay...

I pay... I pay... I pay... I was talking about as a comedian. They support your choice to do comedy. Oh! But I'm gonna circle back now that you answered it that way. Your mom and dad believe in you, or are they like,

why are you doing that, Cameron? They're happy I'm doing something I enjoy. Okay, good. I love it. I love it. What do they do? Uh, well, my mom is like a product manager at like mobile game companies. She worked a lot on like Farmville. And my dad does... Well, my mom is like a product manager at like mobile game companies.

She worked a lot on like Farmville and my dad... Wait, what? Your mom made Farmville? That's cool. Damn, that's absolutely incredible. Yeah, you love Farmville. No. Yeah. He's on it. He's one of the pigs. Come on.

Unbelievable. Come on. He's a star of Farmville. So, wow, your mom made Farmville incredible. What does your dad do? Well, my dad, when I was a kid, he ran, like, AV for an independent wrestling promotion. And he sort of transitioned that in, like, bigger events and, like, bigger, like, he would do shit for the Warriors Parade

and stuff like that. That's also cool. Warriors Parade. What Warriors? The Golden State Warriors. Oh, OK. So you're from Northern California. Yeah, I'm from the Bay Area.

OK. What part of the Bay Area? I'm from Hayward Castro Valley area, like 15, 20 minutes outside of Oakland. So they're very successful. Right? Your parents are rich? No. No?

No. How many bedrooms was the house that you grew up in? Um, depends on how old I was. Michael Gonzalez gets 15, by the way. That's what he has you pegged for. Two or three mostly. When I got a sister, it became three. Okay.

Uh... I love that you said the two things that metrosexuals are into are skincare and lotion. I love that you separated those two things. Well, like, you put cocoa butter on your face. What? Do I put cocoa butter on my face I don't think that's it nobody really does that that will clog your pores you gotta get a better

better lotion so there's a different senior clogged for correspondent over here no that'll clog your pores give me sugar what's what's the difference we're sure they literally fucking described it. They literally just described it. That's what I was going to say. Hey, l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l You ever get bullied? Uh, yeah. Really? Yeah. How would they bully you? What would they say about you? Bro, I was the skinny white kid.

You're telling me. I mean, I'm still that. I'm 40, bro. Yeah. Imagine. Imagine 20 more years of this torture that you live with. Imagine being the fat one. Like, that's even worse.

Like, what the fuck? Yeah. I was, oh, I'm skinny. Oh, no, I can eat whenever I want. Oh, oh, oh. Oh, Redman, I follow your Instagram stories. You can eat whatever you want, too. There's just results to your choices.

I don't eat what I want because I see you eat what you want. I see what happens, and I go, thank God I don't do that. I also don't eat what I want because I see you eat what you want. I see what happens and I go, thank God I don't do that. I also don't Instagram Caesar salads. Why would I do that? Pfft. Even if you did Instagram your Caesar salads, but if you did, that would just mean that you're Instagramming more food

than what you're already Instagramming, which is a lot. It's addicting. Ha ha ha. Okay. Anyway. more food than what you're already Instagramming, which is a lot. It's addicting. Ha! Yeah! Okay. Anyway. He's been hard ever since we talked about Taco Bell earlier, so.

Uh, you have a girlfriend? No. Have you ever had a girlfriend? Yeah. Yeah, how'd that go? How long were you with her? Um, the last one? About...

Whoa! 20, in... 20... Um, the last one about... Whoa! Twenty... Psst. Mm-hmm. The last one was about a month. Okay. How did it start? Where'd you meet her? Well, I met her

about fucking three years ago. Okay. At this coffee shop with some other friends. And then like, it just... I always thought she was pretty, but then we sort of like developed a friendship and stuff. And then, uh. Then you ate her pussy?

Yeah. That's pretty much where it went. Yeah. That first time it happened, what was your big move? How did you know that it was time to leave the friend zone and enter the end zone? Watching Netflix and, uh... Oh, of course.

Well, but we were sitting in separate chairs. Right. And I, like... You showed her your dick. And then what happened? You're sittin' in separate chairs and then... I think I, like, posted on her chair to grab, like, my water off my desk, she sort of like leaned into it and I was like oh it was like kind of a nice surprise.

I love it. Any other special skills or talents that you have? Quite frankly no. No? Perfect. That's all I got. Cameron, very fun times. Here's a big joke book. Congratulations. Three years in the game, 21 years old.

Cameron, my or may? My. M-A-I. All right, ladies and gentlemen, we've come to that time. There's only one way to end a show like this, ladies and gentlemen. It is with the reigning, defending Hall of Famer.

Most sets, most interviews, all time. The man who does it more and better than anybody. This is indeed the Lynchburg Lemonade, the Memphis Strangler, the Big Red Machine, the Vanilla Gorilla, Lights Out, William Montgomery! I saw a Jesus 2024 campaign sign on my way here and was thinking how sick it would be if Jesus descended from heaven as a third-party candidate, and then this time the liberals would be like,

we need to see the birth certificate. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. A Massachusetts man revealed that he was serving

barbecued human flesh at his neighborhood get-togethers, and I just want to know, what were his wine pairings? The country of Wales is going to start jailing politicians who lie, so in other words, Wales is shutting down its government. And speaking of the government, there's a presidential debate coming up this week on CNN and I actually heard from somebody, the loser has to fuck Hillary Clinton.

Okay, that's my time. Fuck yeah. The Dragon Slayer. And also I want to say, go fucking Vols! Tennessee just beat Texas A&M for the college world series. So go balls. Wow. My alma mater. Fuck Texas A&M. Oh, my God. Yes.

Oh, my God. A weird maneuver. I just had to say it. I was just watching in the green. All the area. Baseball. Yes. Talking about college baseball. World Series, baby.

Omaha, Nebraska! Wow, literally, I mean, that's just unbelievable to do. You think they would do that for you after their set? Who, the Vols? Yeah. I don't know, I'm hoping they'd be... You think they'd be like, before we get started, shout out William Montgomery.

Yeah! I didn't think about it. Aw! I made a bad mistake, Tony. No, no, I feel bad. Yeah. I didn't think about it. Aw. I made a bad mistake, Tony. No, I feel bad. Don't do that. I thought this was okay tonight. It was great.

It was great. It was fucking great. That's why I'm wondering why you would isolate everybody in the room. Well it's the first time in school history. It's the first time in Tennessee history. So I had to say something. Oh my God. It's a big deal.

Oh it's not. It is not. The set was fantastic though. I feel like it all came from an honest place. Thank you, yes. It's been hard, Tony. I've been very tired because I've been getting the hell back to Austin on Sundays. I was in Columbus, Ohio this past weekend.

It was wonderful. And then yeah, it's getting harder and harder to do these minutes, but we're trying Tony. I'm trying. We're gonna do it. So we'll see. You're doing fucking fantastic. We'll see. I'm trying. I mean, tonight it was pretty good, but then I bombed talking about the Vols and it's like I'm turning into that guy with the jacket. What about that guy? That guy was a nightmare. That guy really was a horrible nightmare. Oh my God. Sorry for bringing up the Vols.

I shouldn't have done it, but go Vols. And if you are a Tennessee baseball player, hit my DMs. Oh yeah. Get, send me your baseball glove. I need a baseball glove. That's honestly why I did it, Tony. I need a new baseball glove. You're just looking for a baseball glove. I need a baseball glove. That's honestly why I did it, Tony. I need a new baseball glove.

You're just looking for a baseball glove? Yeah, I actually shouted out American Airlines and United last week when I couldn't make it to Hartford and United responded to me and gave me extra miles and refunded me, so now I'm totally anti-American Airlines pro-United Airlines. Wow. Who would've guessed?

Little boy from Tennessee would be anti-American. Mm-hmm. Wow. Absolutely incredible. Tell us more about Columbus, Ohio this past weekend. That is where Red Band was born and raised. Did you run into anybody there? Well, I know that very well.

And his mom actually still lives there, because I actually visited his mom this past weekend in Columbus, Ohio. That was literally... Tony, that was my fucking best part of the weekend! Oh, man, talk about Netflix and chill like that last guy. That's what Red Band and my fucking... It was good. Tell us about your time with Red Band's mother. Yeah, and I'm a little scared, Tony,

because I'm actually finally catching feelings. I swear to God, I've never, I swear, I feel like I'm catching feelings right now for fucking Red Band's mom, so we gotta figure that out. Oh my goodness, wow. It's funny you're laughing, Red Band, because I'm not kidding about any of this shit, dumbasses, so it's funny you're laughing Red Band because I'm not kidding about any of this shit dumb asses So it's funny you're laughing about it. I had that bitch up against a fucking shower, dude

It's funny cuz I talked to her the other day and I was like what'd you do this weekend? She's like I was working with special needs and now it makes sense Oh! Red Vans, she sure looked special needs when she was sucking on my dick, dumbass! Holy shit! Fucking drooling all over the place, it was nasty. She looked real fucking retarded, sucking my dick in the shower, dude. She said she had a light lunch, so that makes sense.

What? Well, she's also bulimic, so... So... But yeah, it was a lot of fun though, Tony. It was a lot of fun in Columbus, Ohio. It was great. Did you eat good when you were in Columbus? DP Doe. Gotta give a shout out to DP Doe.

Pretty good calzone. DP Doe. Are you talking about Red Band's mom's pussy? I was kind of kidding with myself. It's more like a tuna fish sandwich, because it smelled down there. Whoa. OK, that's weird. OK, Aborah.

That's where we draw the line. Yeah, that wasn't funny. You can talk about doing things with Red Band's mom, but I'm saying her pussy smells funny. I know. I apologize, Red Band. I shouldn't have said that. I shouldn't have gone that far, Red Band. Seriously.

It's the yeast of my worries. Oh, my God, you're so stupid. Oh, Jesus. All right. William, what else is going on? Been listening to a shit that don't make fun of me, but I have been listening to the graduation song by Vitamin C just pretty much nonstop recently.

I don't know why, but I've been listening to... Wow. Vitamin C is good for immunity, Red Band. I don't know if you know some of this. How's that song go? As we go on here forever. Oh wow. All the time we've had together. You listen to this with Red Band's mob?

All the time. All right, all right. Okay, I don't remember the rest. What else is going on, William? Nothing much, just been hitting the road a ton, Tony. It's been wonderful figuring out these minutes. It's been a lot of fun. I've been the busiest.

I'm 37, so it's what I signed up for, but the busiest I've ever felt in my life. And I do, I wasn't gonna bring this up, but the bitch who, I'm still doing cameos, and the bitch who tipped me $20 and then gave me a four-star review. I'm gonna find you, you stupid bitch. I know you're in, I'm still doing cameos, and the bitch who tipped me $20 and then gave me a four-star review, I'm gonna find you, you stupid bitch. I know you're, I swear, I have a bunch of five-star reviews

and somebody today tips me but gives me four stars, so other than that, I'm good. It really bothered me. I was messaging her on the app saying, oh my God, what can I do? Let me send you more, what's going on? But, but yeah, it's good, just real busy, but it's been good.

Did you raise your price yet? I did end up raising it when I started going out a lot just because I was doing, we've talked about it, I was doing a shit ton. And I, from the bottom of my heart, appreciate it though. It's my major source of it. So I want to genuinely thank everybody, but yes I did. So it's still good. I'm still getting them, but yes, I had to do the price of a little, because it was, I was losing my voice. I'm out on the road yelling a lot, and then I get back and I can't ever rest my voice.

And you get a lot of orders. He's one of the top guys on Cameo. All these celebrities, William's always top five. Top two? You think you're ever gonna, William, you think you're ever gonna stop doing Cameo? Shit, Tony, I don't think I'm ever gonna stop doing it! We did it again!

William Montgomery, everybody! The drawing from Ryan J. Ebell is in, it's absolutely incredible. Let's see what Chris Rogers has. Ooh, a new D. Madness up for auction in the lobby after this, with a bunch of cool Kiltzoni merch. How about one more time for the great and powerful Joe Rogan everybody! Matt McCusker! He's on tour.

MattMcCusker.com and of course, Matt and Shane's Secret Pod. The best podcasts out there, these two right here. One more time for Joe and Matt everybody. So lucky to get to have guests like this that live around the corner. I love you guys. Thank you so much. Oh, Jesus Christ. Great stuff.

What the fuck did you say? We love you. Hey, subscribe on YouTube, I've been told that I have to say. So subscribe, don't just watch. Hit the notification bell. Yeah, hit it hard. We love you. Good night, everybody. Thank you so much. Thank you. I'm going to go to the bathroom. The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open! Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday.

Go to SunsetStripATX.com for tickets. Thanks for watching! you you