KILL TONY - #674 - SAM TALLENT + ARI MATTI

Starting point is 00:00:00 Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Death Squad.tv and now on Spotify and Apple Podcasts. If you want to check out Tony Hinchcliffe's website, go to TonyHinchcliffe.com. Everything Golden Pony, including his tour dates, at TonyHinchcliffe.com. If you want to check out the Sunset Strip or get some Death Squad merch, go to DeathSquad.tv. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Starting point is 00:00:47 Hey, this is Redneck, coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas. For a brand new episode of Kill a Tony, give it up for Tony Hicksclap! Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? Yeah. Yippee. Make some noise for Brian Redban, everybody. And how about one more time for the best damn band in the land. Bare Bones tonight. D Madness woke up with a backache. So no D, no horn players, but we have the great Michael Gonzalez here tonight. Powerful Matt Mueling on the

Starting point is 00:01:39 electric guitar. And the one and only John B's on the keys. The absolute bare-bones band tonight. They have a new Instagram at Killtony Band. There you go. The Killtony Band. Look out. There you go. We're gonna have a lot of fun tonight. A lot of exciting stuff in store. Shout out to Waze 2 Well. Waze the number two well. A lot of great stuff happening over there, stem cells, IV drips, absolutely everything you can imagine, exciting stuff going on. So, with no further ado, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible.

Starting point is 00:02:19 The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets. ["Square Space"] Indeed, this podcast is sponsored by Squarespace, the all-in-one website platform for entrepreneurs to stand out and succeed online. Whether you're just starting out

Starting point is 00:02:44 or managing a growing brand, Squarespace makes it easy to create a beautiful website, engage with your audience and sell anything from products to content to time all in one place all on your terms. Red band! Squarespace is so easy to use Tony it's by far the best way to create a professional looking website with minimal effort. Start completely personalized website with the new guided design system, Square Space Blueprint. Choose from professionally curated layout and styling options to build a unique online presence

Starting point is 00:03:12 from the ground up. Tailored to your brand or business and optimized for every device. Easily launch your website and get discovered fast with integrated optimized SEO tools so you can show up more often to more people and grow the way you want. No doubt about it, make checkout seamless

Starting point is 00:03:27 for your customers with simple but powerful payment tools except credit cards, PayPal, and Apple Pay. Ineligible countries offer customers the option to buy now and pay later with afterpay and clear pay. Sell exclusive content on your site by adding a paywall to sell memberships or courses or sell files your customers can download like PDFs, music or eBooks. So head to squarespace.com for a free trial

Starting point is 00:03:47 and when you're ready to launch, go to squarespace.com slash Kiltonie to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. You guys ready to start tonight's show? Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Starting point is 00:04:00 Yeah! Every single week I have two of the funniest comedians on. One of these guests was just on very recently and I love him so goddamn much that I had to have him back because he's in town and he's one of the best in the world. The other guest tonight, it is his first time ever being on panel. You know these guys. You love them. Make some noise for Sam Talon and Ari Matty. Sam Talon. Ari Matty. Ari, sit over here. Right there. Very, very exciting. Ari Matty. Kiltoni, regular. Rotating, regular, turned panelist here tonight. The Estonian Assassin. Ari Matty's first time at the table. Welcome.

Starting point is 00:04:56 Hell yes, welcome. Look at you, working on your American accent. Yes I am actually. Hello. I have an intolerance. For those of you that don't know, we're trying as fast as we can to get Ari Mati, his American citizenship. We are in a race against time.

Starting point is 00:05:13 What do we have, seven months? Six months now. Six months. Every single week, it goes down one month somehow. It is incredible. We are on a mission from God. Sam Talent is back. What happened to that Visa paper I signed for you?

Starting point is 00:05:27 It didn't count? No, it counted. That's the one I'm on right now, my little angel. All right. Sam Talent, one of the great guests in the history of the show, is back. Thank you, guys. Thank you. We're going to have a lot of fun tonight.

Starting point is 00:05:41 Yeah, I'm glad to be here. Thank you to Killtonynation for somehow selling out my shows in Batavia, Illinois last weekend It is thank you Yeah, the kill Tony bump is real and Sam is out on tour Sam talent com with two L's in the middle He's an abs truly one of the best stand-ups working today, and we're happy to have you back in the helm here Thanks for having me. Ari Matty's first time on panel. Ari, you know very well how the show works,

Starting point is 00:06:09 but just in case you don't know, 260 human beings signed up for the chance, the opportunity to get up on this show tonight. Anything can happen. We know barely any of them. Some of them traveled in today. Some of them have been signing up for months after months after months. If I pull their name out they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know their time is up

Starting point is 00:06:30 when you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear which interrupts them. I conduct an interview. We talk to them. We find out what's interesting about them. What else maybe they could talk about out of their entire lives. The whole thing is improvised, anything can happen. You guys ready to start tonight's show? That's a crazy name. We're gonna go wrangle the first bucket pool while we do. We're going to bring up a golden ticket winner to start tonight's show. Very, very exciting stuff out of our rotating opening regulars. This is a different situation.

Starting point is 00:07:05 We have a golden ticket winner in the house. You know him. How many of you are die-hard fans of Kill Tony? Oh, look at this retard going pee right now. Perfect. You waited until the very, very start of the show. Absolute morons we have here. Running into cameramen and photographers on his way out.

Starting point is 00:07:26 I mean, you gotta love my fan base. It is absolutely insane. Absolute fucking morons. Ladies and gentlemen, your first comedian getting an uninterrupted 60 seconds legendary Golden Tigger winner. Make some noise for the great and powerful Martin Phillips. Cool, what's up?

Starting point is 00:07:58 I was at, I was at Caughtland the day, and I was like, here kitty kitty, snow. And it never works, so then I was like, hey, get that ass over here. And I was like, oh, cool. And last summer I moved here from Virginia, before I moved, they passed the porn ban law. That ended this passing here in Texas. This law keeps following me around. I don't know what I did.

Starting point is 00:08:33 I don't know who to blame. I think it's my parents. I think I'm 18 and older damn So I had my own lives, got that Martin Wage porn. Okay, cool. I, my sister has kids and they have a lot of that energy. I learned that energy comes from food. So when I babysit, I starve them. All right, cool. Martin Phillips, a minute, seven seconds to start the show. Martin!

Starting point is 00:09:14 Sam, what do you think about Martin tonight? Martin's the man, dude. I'm a huge Martin fan. We were on a show in the past where I accused you of having child pornography. And now that clip has been like... That's the clip? on a show in the past where I accused you of having child pornography and and now that clip has been like that's the clip that's the clip yeah yes it's going around in a very specific community yeah but it's like on hood memes and shit so like it's like 30,000 comments on hood memes. Yeah, so...

Starting point is 00:09:45 And then like my black friends will hit me up and be like, damn, you did this squiggly motherfucker bad. Yeah, yeah. I respect that. Yeah. That's tight. That is incredible. You are indeed a squiggly motherfucker, Martin.

Starting point is 00:09:59 Absolutely consistently hilarious. I love your set tonight. Cat calling. Who are you doing this to? Where were these women at? Oh no, my apartment complex has stray cats. Oh, beautiful. That was actually about cats, not women. Got it. Yeah. You are from Virginia, which I was reminded of during your set and also by your everything else What relative is that Virginia what relatives had to fuck for you to end up like this? Who knows it's a long long line, you know

Starting point is 00:10:41 Oh, no, my dad. It's sadly from Mississippi. So I think we solved it there. So that was beautiful. Yeah. There's a porn band following you around. Yeah, yeah, be careful. Yep, no doubt about it. You must jerk off crazy, bro.

Starting point is 00:11:01 Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Only yeah. Oh yeah the old lasso look at him go. I love it. Get out the magic wand and bless it. There it is whip it good. I love it. Is your dick also bent every wacky direction? Oh, no. I'd imagine your dick is shaped like the letter S. I didn't. That's the sound. That's what I picture you jerking off sounding like.

Starting point is 00:11:39 When he gets a boner, it looks like an applause meter. I love it. Martin, what else? What have you been doing for fun in beautiful Austin, Texas? it looks like an applause meter. Zroom. Zroom. I love it. Martin, what else? What have you been doing for fun in beautiful Austin, Texas? Stop taking the stairs. No, actually, I don't, surprisingly, I don't like elevators because I don't like, I have a fear of getting stuck.

Starting point is 00:12:00 So I make it worse for myself actually by taking stairs. Wow. Your calves are cut though. Yeah, so anyway. Anyway, okay, you're segueing us out of our own questions, very good. Moving things along here, would you like to ask us some questions perhaps?

Starting point is 00:12:20 I guess you don't take the stairs either. Yeah. Yeah. I guess you don't take the stairs either. You know? Holy shit. Holy shit. Holy shit. Holy shit. Holy shit. Oh, my goodness.

Starting point is 00:12:36 Wow. The squiggly versus the jiggly. It's a battle of the titans we have here tonight. Absolutely incredible. Martin Phillips. I love it, man. I fucking love it. You're out here killing it.

Starting point is 00:12:52 You have a Taylor Swift shirt on. Have you seen her live? No, I'm bringing me this shirt because I didn't have $900 thinking around. I was at the last concert, okay? I was at... I saw Taylor Swift before it cost thousands of dollars. Oh, wow. I'm an OG. I was there. You're a Swifty!

Starting point is 00:13:14 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You're a shifty Swifty. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Now Ari, in your home country of Estonia, he would have been euthanized at birth. They would have left him on a rock and let the crows eat him. They would have estoned him.

Starting point is 00:13:39 Not like Disney, not Disney. No thanks. And Martin, you're doing comedy full time now? At least for the summer, you know, the school is out, but I've been doing a lot in Alley Town, so... That is true. I forgot you're a substitute teacher. Yeah, yeah, so I always do comedy full time

Starting point is 00:13:58 in the summer. Yeah, it's been good. Absolutely. And what else? You been on any dates or anything? Not quite yet, but it's one check that's which page he was like You might meet my ex-boyfriend Looks promising. Oh, yeah Ex-boyfriend

Starting point is 00:14:26 That was a video game Who was your ex-boyfriend? Erdweller or Kim? That's what I was thinking. I was like, is that a good thing? Is that... That was a video game, Ari. Yeah, so... I am somebody's type, I guess. Somebody out there. Dude, I would pay so much money to watch you come. It must be... It is true.

Starting point is 00:14:42 Well, actually... If the price is right, I mean. Hey, ba-ba-ba-na-na. Ba-ba-ba-na. Dude, how come you have so many wrist accessories? They put these on me to stay, not get kicked out of here. Here? The door guys here?

Starting point is 00:15:01 Yeah. Oh, they have no respect whatsoever, these fucking door guys. I thought it was a lot, too. Yeah, no, a lot that's a hazard for you that could get caught on things it would break absolutely absolutely the radic arms that is dangerous only this one's right it's fun oh yeah that one's normal for sure. Wait, thank you. Thank you, okay. Okay. Now let's talk to your liver.

Starting point is 00:15:32 Hell yeah. This is non-alcoholic. The damage been done. Martin Phillips, you are an absolute consistent killer. Way to get it started tonight. Great fucking stuff.

Starting point is 00:15:49 And here we go. The bucket of destiny has spoken. This is where we meet people all together. Anything can happen. This is where we met every regular, every Golden Ticket winner. These people are very excited. They could have the moment of their life. They could have the worst moment of their life. Anything can happen. 60 seconds uninterrupted.

Starting point is 00:16:10 Going to your first bucket full tonight. Phoenix Provocateur. Phoenix Provocateur. Oh my goodness. Here we go. All right breeders buckle up. Wee co. All right, breeders buckle up. So I love whenever I hear conservative men give a fuck about anything but themselves, especially when they say shit like, trans women shouldn't be able to use a woman's restroom because all I hear is,

Starting point is 00:16:40 I want titties in the men's restroom. When I was deciding on going through with my medical transition or not, I kind of just put it on a final scale of, alright, do you really want to wear dresses or do you really want to wear suits? Do you really want to pay for hair and nails or do you want to wear the hair and nails? And the only thing that made me want to stay in my masculinity was, oh, there's rights over here. But I'm black, so I'll figure it out later. I do think that being trans is more about capitalism instead of self-expression.

Starting point is 00:17:17 Only because I'm going to have tits, a dick, and a grip, I'll be able to go anywhere and fuck anything I want to. Thank you. My name is Phoenix Provocateur. Phoenix Provocateur, welcome to the show. You know, I always say what I love about this bucket and this show is that we get all different types of people, all different shapes and sizes of human beings, and you are a perfect example of what I'm talking about.

Starting point is 00:17:45 This is absolutely incredible. I get it. Welcome to the show. Where should we even begin? Dude, America is crazy. I love it. Phoenix, how long have you been doing stand up comedy? I love it. Phoenix, how long have you been doing stand-up comedy?

Starting point is 00:18:11 I started last October. Okay. What made you want to start stand-up last October? I've been an entertainer for a while and I've always watched comedy kind of for afar and I was like, why don't I just throw my foot or my stilettos in the hat and see what happens. Yeah, well, your foot couldn't fit in the hat, so that's perfect. What kind of, whoa.

Starting point is 00:18:32 Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa.

Starting point is 00:18:38 Whoa. Whoa. I'm short-circuited. I did, I did. What kind of entertainment were you doing before? I started as a competitive dancer in high school and did that through college, and then I did drag after that whenever I couldn't become a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader because I have a nine-inch dick.

Starting point is 00:18:57 Oh wow, this is absolutely incredible. I'm black before I'm pretty, but... That's amazing. That is unbelievable. I have 430 more questions. Um, this is amazing. I have a question, can we see it? No?

Starting point is 00:19:18 I tried. That was a good attempt. That was a good attempt. So, Phoenix, I mean my goodness. Here we are. You tried to be a Cowboys cheerleader, is that true? I didn't try but I was kind of like trained and I danced with a lot of the girls that are on the team and even some of the hip-hop team that they have. But I just I was like fuck it I don't want to do that.

Starting point is 00:19:42 I love it. Might not have been able to be a cheerleader. You should try it out for tight end. It'd be good for the league. My guess is that end isn't so tight anymore. I don't know. I don't know. It's tighter than my boyfriend's. Whoa. Wait, it's tighter than your boyfriend's?

Starting point is 00:20:08 Yeah, because I have a dick. Yeah, yeah. Well, wouldn't his be loose? No, mine is tighter than his. There you go, I got it. Okay. There we go. It's hard for me to think when all the blood is rushed down to my penis, so...

Starting point is 00:20:22 I'm at a little bit of a disadvantage right now. I'm trying to pay attention. Ever since... It's alright. You must be thinking of so many slurs. I don't even know where to begin. I love it. So, Phoenix, how do you make a living now?

Starting point is 00:20:45 Go on, girl. Basically just through drag. My boyfriend works, so I don't really... What does your boyfriend do? He's a crane operator. He's a crane operator. He needs it to move that thing around. There it is. There it is. I can't.

Starting point is 00:21:08 Oh my goodness. She would have been euthanized in your home country. Absolutely incredible. That's why he came here. Oh yeah. Yep. Absolutely. A little taste of Phoenix. Absolutely incredible. That's why he came here. Oh yeah, absolutely. A little taste of Phoenix. So what made you go with the name Phoenix Provocateur?

Starting point is 00:21:31 Well, honestly, it was my drag name at first. I went with a different one. It was Carmella Delight, but I felt like it made me seem too nice. But I'm more bitchy, so I'd rather be the bitch that's nice than the nice person that's mean or whatever.

Starting point is 00:21:46 You know, it's a different thing. I feel the exact same way. I love it. So what was your joke about conservative men? I kind of didn't get it at the beginning. They want to see titties in the restroom. Explain that to me. I was basically just saying that like they're fighting against like letting trans women

Starting point is 00:22:03 in the restroom. So they want people like me to be in the men's restroom and I'm... Where do you want to go to the restroom at? Where do you want to take a... On my chest? Hahaha! Pfft! Ha! Ha!

Starting point is 00:22:15 Ha! Me me in Saw number two. Okay! Alright. I've always been curious. I'm gonna go do my stretches. Hahaha! I forgot the question, I'm sorry. You have a great sense of humor.

Starting point is 00:22:27 I love how you're rolling with everything. What restroom do you want to use? What makes you most comfortable? Well, I use the women's restroom. I'm a little too hyper feminine to even attempt. Even when I go to the gym and stuff, I just avoid going to the lockers in general because I don't, I found that like in my position, I'm either going to be the victim or potentially like make somebody else feel like the victim. And in those situations, I just wait till I get

Starting point is 00:22:55 home. Can you give us an example? Cause I'm curious. I genuinely don't know anything. I have just been hanging out at comedy clubs and you know, now I'm a Texan, so, you know, life's crazy out here in Texas. How long have you lived here? My whole life. Right, you're born and raised in Texas. Austin?

Starting point is 00:23:13 All over. Yep, great. You look like you could be the mayor of Austin, really. Um, so give me an example of something that's happened to you, because I always hear this restroom debate, like, in a locker room or a restroom, what's like the of something that's happened to you. Because I always hear this restroom debate, like in a locker room or a restroom, what's like the worst thing that's happened to you when you say you could be the victim? I'm curious to know like what's happened. This is probably a couple years ago.

Starting point is 00:23:36 I haven't really had an issue since, but I was in college out in Nacogdocious, East Texas. Nacogdocious? Jack my ex. Oh my God. That sounds like a dangerous place for someone like you. It is, it is. It is. It is.

Starting point is 00:23:51 It is. It is. It is. Especially if I'm dancing on the 50 yard line for the football games. Absolutely. It was pretty intense. But I was selling tickets for a fucking competition

Starting point is 00:24:03 or whatever and this dad came in. What kind of competition? A dance competition. Okay. It was like, I think it was like high schoolers and middle school dance thing. We were just hosting it. No, no, no, what dad could possibly have a problem with you selling tickets to middle schoolers for an event. I wasn't selling tickets.

Starting point is 00:24:20 Okay, all right. Jesus Christ. Don't get mad at me now. I'm not, we're not in Nacadotia. It's easier to get the kids in if they don't have to use money. No. Okay. I was, I don't even think they were tickets. I think they were like pamphlets as people were coming in to say the schedule of the day. Perfect perfect What kind of dad would have a problem with you handing out middle schoolers pamphlets? This is great. I know I would love it if a seven foot tall dragon lady was handing my kids Pamphlets or something. Yeah, they must have thought you were from the future This was back in like

Starting point is 00:25:01 2017 so he was ahead of his time with this but but like he basically threw a fit in front of my coach and everybody was like, I don't want that thing going to the bathroom. And I was like, I'm standing at the front door outside in 72 heat or degree weather in fucking Nacogdoches, Texas. I don't want your little snot nose brat. I fucking hate kids. Right, yeah.

Starting point is 00:25:22 I think that you should be able to go to the bathroom in the ladies room. That way your dick doesn't get in the urinal. Or so you don't try to suck it. Whoa! Sam! Sam is getting lit up! Sam is getting lit up tonight! I'm a fan of the movement. Absolutely incredible. Phoenix. I love it. So what else do you do for fun? Tell us more about the life of Phoenix provocateur.

Starting point is 00:25:58 I travel for like drag and stuff whenever I can. I just did a show in Midland at the beginning of last month and then I was in Nashville. Is there anywhere you go to visit where racism isn't rampant? No. No. You're like, I did a show on a burning cross the other night.

Starting point is 00:26:22 I've actually done one in a church. What? I've done a drag show in a church before. You did? I have. Wow. In Midland, Texas. Wow.

Starting point is 00:26:31 Church of Satan? Like, what? Absolutely incredible. No, just a bunch of white people. So, Phoenix, have you always kind of identified as a woman? Is that how that works? Am I saying that right? Sure.

Starting point is 00:26:47 Okay. Um, he's really trying Phoenix. I know. I'm trying my best. I know, I know. I'm a shit talking Texan. I'm not gonna use any bad words with you. I'm more Texan than you are.

Starting point is 00:27:01 You're in my territory, sweetie. Well, looks like we're about to have a big dick competition. Whoa, Jesus. Oh, my God. Holy shit. She's going to lasso you. Wow. You got to help me get it from between my shoulder blades first, though. Oh, my goodness.

Starting point is 00:27:25 So tell us what else? What hobbies or anything else other than drag or? Um, just dancing. I sew sometimes. I don't really wear wigs, but I got some. It's just creative stuff basically. That's all natural up there. Uh, for this quarter. For this quarter I had to think about it. Are those, did you get, are those re, what's that? They're growing. They're growing? So you're like on, uh...

Starting point is 00:27:51 Hormones, yeah. Hormones. It's been about a year as of like the 15th of last month. How do you feel on them? Emotional. Yeah. You feel like a real bitch. Yeah. Mmm.

Starting point is 00:28:15 Yeah. Do the tits make it easier to go to war with alien? Most guys aren't worried about these at all when they know I have that. What comes out of them? Oat milk? Or muscle milk? I'm not exactly... Where does Muscle Milk come from? I'd imagine... Alright. It's your dad's cum.

Starting point is 00:28:30 Oh shit. Oh my god. My 76 year old hobbled father. I was wondering why he's been walking with a walker the last few times I've seen him. Now it makes sense. he's getting fucked. I mean. She's fucking your dad in the ass. Yeah, exactly. He was fine last year, and then this last visit,

Starting point is 00:28:56 he's hobbling around. It's all making so much sense. So Phoenix, you live here in Austin? Yes. And what are some of your favorite local spots so that I know where I can accidentally run into? Ha ha ha ha! Uh, besides the mothership?

Starting point is 00:29:15 Uh-huh. You seem more of like a father-ship kind of guy. I don't even... Yeah, besides the mothership, what else in this city? You like live music? I don't even. Yeah, besides the mothership, what else in the city? You like live music? I do. Live music, good restaurants.

Starting point is 00:29:32 I haven't tried a lot of stuff growing up, so I'm still learning. Come on. I haven't. I haven't. You tried stuff. You were just putting the meat in the wrong hole. You tried stuff. You were just putting the meat in the wrong hole. Sure.

Starting point is 00:29:51 Sure. I love it. Well, Phoenix, very fun times, very fun interview. You know, you are, you're minute kind of green, but promising, you're definitely a polarizing figure, very compelling, very interesting to watch, and a great interview. I love this show because, you know, these people of different, like I said,

Starting point is 00:30:16 shape, sizes, mentalities, backgrounds, come here and the fact that we can all laugh together and roll with everything together and you don't sue me or anything afterwards is perfect and amazing. Here's a little joke book to commemorate your start. Oh shit, I almost made it in between those fucking. She's a real woman.

Starting point is 00:30:34 Oh shit. Oh my goodness. Make some goddamn noise for Phoenix Provocator everybody. Very fun start to the bucket tonight. Hell yeah. Congratulations Phoenix. Welcome. We'll see you around. Damn. You guys are out of control.

Starting point is 00:30:59 Damn. This band is out of control. Hey y'all. This podcast is sponsored by HelloFresh. Ditch the meal planning, woes, and dive into HelloFresh's biggest menu yet. With over 45 recipes and even more market items to choose from every single week, make delicious food a priority this summer with quick, convenient recipes delivered right to your door. Just choose your meals and select a delivery date.

Starting point is 00:31:24 HelloFresh handles all the meal planning, shopping, and most of the prep. So all you have to do is open your box and get cooking. Red band. Tony, I love HelloFresh. It makes cooking at home healthy and super easy. I notice it saves me tons of time and it makes cooking more enjoyable.

Starting point is 00:31:40 I made the grilled cheese tacos and the eggy sausage flatbreads. Mm, and Tony Tony they were delicious I saw that on your Instagram stories at 630 in the morning that sounds and looks truly scrumptious or at bingo to hello Fresh calm slash Tony apps for free appetizers for life one appetizer item per box while subscription is active That's free appetizers for life at hello fresh calm slash Tony apps hello fresh America's number one meal kit HelloFresh.com slash Tony Apps. HelloFresh, America's number one meal kit. Indeed, this podcast is sponsored by Squarespace,

Starting point is 00:32:09 the all-in-one website platform for entrepreneurs to stand out and succeed online. Whether you're just starting out or managing a growing brand, Squarespace makes it easy to create a beautiful website, engage with your audience, and sell anything from products to content to time, all in one place, all on your terms, a red band.

Starting point is 00:32:23 Squarespace is so easy to use, Tony. It's by far the best way to create a professional looking website with minimal effort. Start completely personalized website with the new guided design system, Squarespace Blueprint. Choose from professionally curated layout and styling options to build a unique online presence from the ground up. Tailored to your brand or business

Starting point is 00:32:44 and optimized for every device. Easily launch your website and get discovered fast with integrated optimized SEO tools so you can show up more often to more people and grow the way you want. No doubt about it. Make checkout seamless for your customers with simple but powerful payment tools.

Starting point is 00:32:58 Except credit cards, PayPal, and Apple Pay. And ineligible countries offer customers the option to buy now and pay later with afterpay and clearpay. Sell exclusive content on your site by adding a paywall to sell memberships or courses or sell files your customers can download like PDFs, music or ebooks. So head to squarespace.com for a free trial and when you're ready to launch go to squarespace.com slash kiltony to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. All right, your next bucket full, ladies and gentlemen. 60 seconds going to Adrian Escamilla, everybody.

Starting point is 00:33:32 Looks like it. I used to worship the devil, like worship the devil. Then she moved out and took the kids. Here's an idea for a new Netflix film. The running time is about two and a half hours. It's a story about a man who's been scrolling on Netflix for about two and a half hours. This film is rated PG for Please Get a Life. This film is rated PG for Please Get a Life. AOC Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez will be starring in a remake of the science fiction classic The Fly. Only now it's going to be called The Horsefly.

Starting point is 00:34:17 On the subject of filthy animals that you can ride, Jada Pinkett Smith, yes. Actually, after what happened to Chris Rock at the Academy Awards, I think we ought to dedicate the entire month of March to Chris Rock. We'll call it March for Chris Rock. What do you think? Make it a public holiday like Lincoln's birthday, who coincidentally was attacked by a deranged actor himself. John Wilkes Baldwin was his name, right?

Starting point is 00:34:41 Thank you. Okay, Adrian Escamilla. Are you the dad that made fun of my sweet angel, Phoenix? Yeah. You bastard! I don't know. It's okay, Adrian. Sam?

Starting point is 00:35:02 Just brutal for him to have to follow Phoenix. Oh yeah. It is his tradition. It's just brutal for him to have to follow Phoenix. It is a tough follow, no doubt about it. The person before you, super charismatic and entertaining and you come in the world's laziest ninja turtle. This is incredible. Adrian, how long have you been doing stand up? Since 2013.

Starting point is 00:35:24 Well, actually, technically the first time I tried was 2009, but... 2013? Wow. Eleven years in the game. And, wow. What do you do for a living? I work at home. I'm a payment processor. You're processing payments at home? Yeah. Well, I'm doing shit, you know.

Starting point is 00:35:44 Can we get your hands out of your pockets, please? Yeah. Absolutely incredible. What's the Band-Aid on the arm for? Oh, I just donated plasma today. So we're finding out how you really make money. Absolutely. How often do you do that?

Starting point is 00:36:00 Twice a week. I made 300 today. Wow. Balling out of control, ladies and gentlemen. It hurt like a son of a week. I made 300 today Wow Balling out of control ladies and gentlemen Joker shirt, that's good. It hurt like a son of a bitch But you know it is so scary to think that if we get into an accident it could be your blood put into us I mean, there's really no quality check whatsoever Okay Okay. Adrian, what else in life? What are some hobbies? What else are you doing? What's distracting you from getting better at stand-up comedy? Ouch. Well, technically this isn't what I usually do for... I'm setting myself up here.

Starting point is 00:36:41 Technically, I don't tell jokes on stage. Usually when I get on stage, I don't talk at all. This is like the first time in a long time I've told jokes. What do you do when you get on stage? I would love to show you, but they won't let me bring up my deal here. Your what? I usually use like a prop or something. They like it's like a performance deal, but like they won't let me use it. What is it? A performance deal?

Starting point is 00:37:00 Describe it better than it's like a it's a a scooper and like use it to make things sing. A scooper. I use it to like play the music. It's pretty cool I think. A lot of people like it. You use a scooper to play music? They play music and I use it. They play music and you use it.

Starting point is 00:37:20 Does anybody in the band know? Does anybody have his scooper? Where do we keep his scooper at? He has a USB drive with music on. So that's... Oh, you have it ready. Yeah. And you're excited.

Starting point is 00:37:32 Is it trademarked music? Because YouTube will flag us. That's what I was worried about. Yeah. We're a show on that network. Yeah. Yeah. Bummer.

Starting point is 00:37:41 Yeah. Well, there goes that idea. So it's trademarked copyrighted music. Yeah. Well, there goes that idea. Yeah. So it's it's trademarked copyrighted music. Yeah. Oh yeah. Well, you've put yourself in quite the hole here, Adrian. And you sure that's not the one with CP on it? Hands out of the pockets. So you have a scooper and music plays. So can you give us an example of a song that plays with your scooper? Name any song and I can play it.

Starting point is 00:38:14 I can use the scooper with it. Beethoven's Fifth. All right. How about you use your hand. I can't do that. I'm sorry. Why can't you do that? You're so stuck to the scooper art bring it out here

Starting point is 00:38:26 Let someone bring it out here. Where is it? It's by the entrance. Okay, somebody grab his fucking scooper Jesus Christ Almighty. Oh My god, is that it this is what you lug around with you to perform art Okay, John Dees. I need you to play something that's not an actual famous song so that YouTube doesn't flag it. Here we go, one, two, a one, two, three, four. ["The Who"]

Starting point is 00:38:56 ["The Who"] Anyone gonna sing? What? I need someone to sing. Okay, Sam. Ha-hoo, ha-hoo, ha-hoo, ha-hoo, ha-hoo. This was easier than writing a joke. I do this instead of actually trying a comedy.

Starting point is 00:39:18 This is the thing that keeps me from killing myself. that keeps me from killing myself. I will have my revenge on Tony Hinchcliffe. I will use his skin as a mask. This looks like Mario should be dodging it. This looks like Luigi fliffs in fear of it. Now I know why your forearms are so strong. I'm going to stop you right there. Thank you.

Starting point is 00:39:54 I mean, how about a hand for Sam Tallent? Carrying the comedy part of the scooper act. Adrian, grab that microphone. Matt Mueling is even jumping in here. He literally only talks once every six months, saying that's really the whole fucking bit. So, and what's crazy is I always host the show and I have the same fucking question for you. You, after 10 or 11 years of comedy experience,

Starting point is 00:40:31 you have decided that a scooper, which by the way, I agree with my entire team, is a safety hazard. That's not how you use that, you know? You usually use it to clean up shit. That's what I was worried about. How long have you been using that scooper as a comedic prop? It started like around the pandemic. We all went a little crazy.

Starting point is 00:41:01 Absolutely. What else did you do to the scooper during the pandemic? Don't ask. You know, Ari, I don't know if you know this, but after seeing his prop act, I must say that if he was born in Estonia, he would have been euthanized. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:41:20 By the Arts Council. That really is unbelievable. That was nuts. I don't want to critique you too hard because I'm pretty sure this is how Hitler was made. The vaccine fucked this country up. That's that booster, man. That is true. It is true.

Starting point is 00:41:44 Are you vaccinated and boosted? No. Okay, that's why you're allowed to donate plasma, am I correct? They don't take the plasma vaccinated boosted people? They don't give a shit. They just want the blood. Sounds like you. I want the blood. Atrian Escamillo. Well, I wish you the best. Ah, ah, ah. Atrian Eskimea.

Starting point is 00:42:06 Well, I wish you the best of luck, man. I really think you need it. Uh... I encourage you to take chances creatively and try things outside of the scooper. It seems like you've really boxed yourself in. Yeah. I'd imagine you do a lot of open mics, correct? Absolutely.

Starting point is 00:42:26 Right. And the comedians laugh because you're doing something so different, but there's no way that works in real life. And if you make it, you're going to have to split the check with the scooper. That's true. Here's a little joke book. There you go. Adrian Escamilla. Oh my goodness. That was fucking crazy.

Starting point is 00:42:54 That scooper is going to be in my nightmares, dude. That might be one of the craziest commitments to art that I've ever seen. He couldn't even do the thing he's dependent on someone else doing the thing. Yeah. Jesus. He can't yeah there's so much wrong with that somehow Phoenix Provocateur is the best bucket pull of the night so far. Oh yeah. We're gonna see how things go from here. Make some noise. This guy's been on this show before. Make some noise for Bobby Brown Jr.

Starting point is 00:43:28 Right out of the bucket. Here he is. Hell yeah. I'm living my dream doing comedy right now, man. This shit crazy, you know? Thank you. But when I was a kid, I had a different dream. I really wanted to be an actor when I was a kid.

Starting point is 00:43:45 I used to beg my mom. I was like, mom, please, let me audition for Nickelodeon, please, mom. Yeah, little did I know, I was begging to get fucked. That's weird. Did y'all see the Nickelodeon documentaries? It's kind of crazy, man.

Starting point is 00:44:03 They had all kinds of weird requirements. Dan Schneider said, apparently if you want to be on Nick at Night, you got to start taking dick at night. Yeah, when they said get slimed, they meant get slimed. No. No. No.

Starting point is 00:44:20 Netflix offered those people $3 million to tell the stories about what happened to them, you know? And when the documentary came out, my mom made me watch it with her, right? She was like, look Bobby, look what I saved you from. I had to remind her, Ma, these people just made $3 million. You didn't save me, Ma, you cock-blocked me. That's what happened. Thank you guys so much. All right.

Starting point is 00:44:43 Bobby Brown Jr. Welcome back to the show. What up, Tony? How's it going? I'm doing great, man. Good to see you. I love it. Good to see you. Very fun, good set, rock solid.

Starting point is 00:44:54 How long you been on stand-up again? Almost six years now. Six years. Where was most of that at? Jacksonville, Florida, man. OK, man. Dang. What are you giggling at? Six years, wait till you get to the scooper.

Starting point is 00:45:17 It is true, you've only just begun compared to the last comedian. Yeah. I think you look great without the makeup Phoenix I'm just kidding I know Bobby he's very funny we work together before good to see you again buddy man only black guy in a corduroy hat that I trust because you're the only one what exactly would you trust him with? A house? I could watch your house.

Starting point is 00:45:49 You could watch my house. From the outside. Yeah. That is correct. Incredible. Bobby, where'd you get those necklaces at? I got one of them from Walmart. And how about the other exact matching necklace?

Starting point is 00:46:06 This one came out one of those gumball machines. So they really are. Yeah, I was going to make a joke about it, then I stopped myself because I thought maybe that was actually one of the answers, and I was correct. Incredible. Tell us about your living situation, Bobby. Oh, I'm actually very excited you asked me this Tony cuz a

Starting point is 00:46:25 couple weeks ago y'all had an episode come out in the YouTube arena congratulations you let Cam Patterson tell three million people that I was homeless uh-huh I have an apartment guys I got apartment Wow yeah thank you Bobby I'm gonna say this in Tony's defense, no one lets Cam Patterson do anything. He does whatever he wants. Yeah, it's true. I have an apartment though, it's good. Okay, how many roommates? One. Why the long um? Yeah, it's one, I promise. You promise? Now I really don't believe you. Why would you promise such a thing?

Starting point is 00:47:07 How many living roommates, Bobby? Yeah. With a name like Bobby Brown Jr., I definitely don't want to use your bathtub. I know that. That was a great joke. Yes. That was a great joke.

Starting point is 00:47:21 Yeah. But you are no relation to the actual Bobby Brown. You just like going by Bobby Brown Jr. because it makes people think you might be that Bobby Brown Jr. and it gives you more opportunities and lets you in places that you wouldn't normally get in. Isn't that correct? I know this for a fact. The answer is yes.

Starting point is 00:47:37 Yes. Yes, it is. Absolutely. No, it's actually a weird situation. I just, I actually, my name is Bobby Brown Jr. Because my dad is Bobby. I'm Tony Soprano III. Yeah, absolutely. I actually just found out like a couple years ago that I have a different biological dad though.

Starting point is 00:47:55 So I'm named junior after somebody who's not my dad. You know, it's... Wow. Congratulations. We have a special award. Blackest guy of the night. Congratulations, we have a special award. Blackest guy of the night. Uh... Biggest order! Wait, no, I'm getting word. Phoenix is actually the recipient of that award. Do you have to change your name to Michael Vick Jr.?

Starting point is 00:48:14 Uh... He was a football player. The dogs, I know. Yeah. Yes, the dogs. Absolutely. This new apartment, Bobby Brown Jr., how are you paying your rent? I work at the airport now. I push people, old people and disabled people.

Starting point is 00:48:36 I push them in wheelchairs to their kids. Ooh, you're a wheelchair pusher. Yeah. Oh, there's someone that thinks that's a good job over there. Wow. Hey. There's a real stupid bitch over there. Look at her. Absolutely incredible.

Starting point is 00:48:47 She thinks you're doing a good deed. She's probably a nice lady. OK. Who are the worst tippers? Like what, race? I don't know. Let's start there, and then we'll go from there. Read the room, dummy.

Starting point is 00:49:02 Yeah. Can you read that oh shit it's not cuz he's black by the way it's cuz he's stupid no I'm kidding tell us about pushing people in wheelchairs yeah the people are disabled people are kind of funny like I know that first guy was great. That's pretty much the whole thing in this show. No, they're real supportive. I pushed a lady who goes to like, there's like a school for the blind here in Austin. So I was pushing her in the wheelchair and she was just asking me about life. I told her I do comedy and stuff like that. And she was real supportive.

Starting point is 00:49:41 But one time she's like, not even one time, she kept saying, I can't wait to see you on Netflix someday. And she's blind. Yeah, that's what I realized. Right. I thought she was being nice and then I realized after she was blind. So yeah, you showed her though, you pushed her to the wrong gate. Your flying spirit, bitch. Incredible. Wow. See you have blind people.

Starting point is 00:50:07 Anything else crazy ever happen at the airport? I mean, homeless people try to break in and sleep there, you know, but... That's your thing. Yeah, exactly. That's why you stumbled on how many roommates you have. It's a real house, Tony. Yeah, right. You have your own bedroom? Yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 00:50:27 Yeah. Yeah. That sounded sketchy. Yeah, dude. You have your own bathroom. You don't share a bathroom with anybody? I don't think so, no. You don't think so?

Starting point is 00:50:40 No. Bobby. Bobby, are you still homeless? Bobby, Bobby, Bobby. So what else? What do you do for fun? I started, I go to the movies now here in Austin. You go to the movies? Yeah, listen, moving here I had to find some new shit to do that's fun. They don't have beaches out here like I'm used to. Yeah, those Jacksonville beaches. Hey, you know, oh, yeah, man. You should come one day. I have been out there. That's how I got Hep C What do you do when you go to the beaches of Jacksonville? I mean you look walk on the beach

Starting point is 00:51:18 You walk on the beach. Yeah You don't do anything else. It's sharks in there. You're not finna or nothing. That's right. You gotta be vigilant. They don't like dark men. You can use that Bobby. I have no use for it. Bobby you've been on this show before. Did you ever get a big joke book? I did. I got one Tony. Yeah. There you go. Congratulations Bobby. Great stuff. There he goes. Bobby Brown Jr. We're gonna keep it moving along. And what are the odds that his position out of the bucket was perfect to bring up a man who believes in Bobby Brown Jr.,

Starting point is 00:51:54 a person who I do believe put Bobby up in his apartment for a while? Ladies and gentlemen, one of the greatest regulars in the history of the show, this is a brand new minute from our very own Cam Patterson. ["The Big Bang"] ["The Big Bang"]

Starting point is 00:52:10 ["The Big Bang"] ["The Big Bang"] ["The Big Bang"] ["The Big Bang"] ["The Big Bang"] ["The Big Bang"] ["The Big Bang"] ["The Big Bang"]

Starting point is 00:52:16 ["The Big Bang"] ["The Big Bang"] ["The Big Bang"] That nigga still homeless. Uh, 100%. I recently was in Fort Wayne, Indiana, and I went to a tractor pool. Oh, you've heard of this. It's just like this.

Starting point is 00:52:35 It's a lot of white people, but y'all are like really nice. Y'all look like good. We like black people. They was like, how did you find out about our meeting? A track the pool is like a clan rally with a theme. It was a... At one point, they started booing. They started booing one of the racers, and it was just me and three other black people

Starting point is 00:52:58 walking through a sea of whites just hearing, boo, and one white guy went, don't worry, we not booing you. That's the next chant, right? And at the tractor pool, they had the Amish there. I've never seen the Amish in my life. I'm from Florida, dog. So I saw him, I was like, oh shit, it's the Amish. And they were like, oh fuck, it's a nigga, man.

Starting point is 00:53:26 That's my time. God damn it. I say it every week. I'll say it again. You have done it again. Coming in, just storming with the best jokes of the night. Absolutely incredible. All from another weekend on

Starting point is 00:53:45 the road. You are able to sell tickets, make money, and at the same time make more material. You are a fully operational machine. Absolutely incredible. Tractor Pool in Fort Wayne, Indiana. Sam Tallent. I just want to say this. So Cam, we booked you to do that festival I'm running in Arkansas in October. Diamond City Comedy Festival. And we received your writer today. Okay. Oh!

Starting point is 00:54:10 Oh! Uh-oh. Oh. Uh-oh. Princess? Uh-oh. Now, I just want to read what's on this writer. Oh, please, yes.

Starting point is 00:54:20 If anyone had any doubts that Cam's the blackest man alive. So an adequate amount of bottled water. I just want to read what's on this writer. Oh, please, yes. If anyone had any doubts, the cam's the blackest man alive. So an adequate amount of bottled water, that's normal. I need a hydrate. An assortment of gums and mints, you know, for your perfect smile. Yeah. Beef jerky. Oh.

Starting point is 00:54:38 Or as you guys call it in Estonia, beef, you know. And then this is where it gets a bit specific homemade Kool-Aid No, you're joking no way God And it better fucking be there though And hey, hey Sam, and it better fucking be there, dog. It better fucking be there. I'm going to make it personal. I need that, yes.

Starting point is 00:55:09 And just to follow up, in case that wasn't definitively black enough, two, and then in parentheses the number two, black and mild. Hell yeah. Oh my God. And it's so broad. There's not even a specific, even John Deez is confused at your rider and he has the exact same rider. Where's the chicken, John wants to know?

Starting point is 00:55:37 They are usually happy that like the clubs and shit. I don't got to ask for chicken. They got chicken. What flavor Kool-Aid? You didn't even say what- All the Kool-Aid, whatever Kool-Aid you... So I'm rating all the Kool-Aids. So the best place so far has been the Mic Drop in San Diego. They made all the Kool-Aids in every flavor and that was delicious.

Starting point is 00:55:54 Hilarity's was pretty good. And then when I was in Springfield, swear to God, no lie. When I was in Springfield, there was a black dude with gold teeth and dreads. He was like, what's up nigga? I'm making your Kool-Aid, I never saw him again. I'm going to say the same thing to you in Arkansas. They just hired a Kool-Aid, man. That was it. And I never saw him again.

Starting point is 00:56:27 Never again. Oh, no. Wow. That is incredible. So you always drink the Kool-Aid everywhere you go. Yeah, I taste it. What the fuck is Kool-Aid? Whoa!

Starting point is 00:56:43 What? Why is it so cool? What don't got Kool-Aid in Estonia nigga? No. Cam I'm gonna leave it to you to explain to this Estonian man what Kool-Aid is. So Kool-Aid is like a packet right? That you get like it's like a flavored packet with a little bit of sugar. He's doing Martin Phillips's hand right now. That's it. Ah! Ah! Cool A is a little flavored little packet, right?

Starting point is 00:57:13 And it got like a little bit of sugar in it. And you mix it with water. Now to make good Cool A. What the fuck is this? What the fuck sound is this? It's your very own John B's going against you on this one. Playing a little Cool A-Aid undertone music. How do you make good Kool-Aid?

Starting point is 00:57:29 So look, to make good Kool-Aid, see Tony would make Kool-Aid, he would put like a little bit of water, Kool-Aid, you know what I'm saying, and then a small piece of semen, right? And- Because he's gay. Because he's gay, right? And then- You're learning. I have Kool-Aids. And a little bit, just a little bit of sugar, right?

Starting point is 00:57:49 I make Kool-Aid, same exact thing, two packets. Two packets of Kool-Aid, right? Water, sugar, the whole pack. Lots of sugar. Isn't diabetes a big problem in the... I don't think this is a good career choice with so much sugar. That's not the reason. It's one of the reasons, but not the main reason.

Starting point is 00:58:08 It got Patrice O'Neil. That's the expression. He drank the Kool-Aid. That is true. Very good. I learned it. This is good. So this is everywhere you go, they have Kool-Aid.

Starting point is 00:58:24 Or you won't go on stage. Yeah, no, I won't get up. If you don't bring me to Kool-Aid, I'm not going. Absolutely incredible. And what else when you're on the road? Are there other things you like to do? Was there other things in Fort Wayne, Indiana perhaps that you did? No, I just know one thing.

Starting point is 00:58:41 I know one thing I found out. I want to fuck an Amish. Oh. Yeah, don't shake your head Red Band. They smell man. I don't give a fuck. How do you know that? From Ohio, from Amish country. You're from Amish country?

Starting point is 00:58:52 I don't give a fuck either. Hey, fuck him. You said- That Amish pussy? We got to fuck an Amish. Dude, hell yeah. They don't know shit about Reddit. They don't know nothing.

Starting point is 00:59:00 Listen. They don't even know MySpace, dog. Listen, I'm going to fuck an Amish, dog. Me too, bro. I want to fuck an Amish really bad. I'm a- listen. They don't even know my space dog. Listen, I'm a fuck Amish dog. Me too bro. I wanna fuck a Amish really bad. I wanna fuck Amish really bad. But I was thinking about it, they were like, we can get you on the farm. But I don't wanna go to the farm.

Starting point is 00:59:13 Yeah. They will have to. Because they stuck in the past. Right. And I don't know what past they stuck in. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah.

Starting point is 00:59:23 No Kool-Aid out there in Amish country. You also have to fight through the coarse pubic hair. That's fine. And Amish ladies pubes look like your hair. That's fine. Okay. That's fine. All right.

Starting point is 00:59:36 Well fuck me Amish. It's like fucking through Chorboy, dude. You know how cool that'd be? I'd be the only black person to fuck Amish. Cam Patterson, black history, likes rocks, fuck the Amish. Legend. Cam, you're a fuck the Amish. Legend. Cam, you're a fucking machine. We love you.

Starting point is 00:59:50 There he goes. The legend. The man. The man. The machine. Cam motherfucking Patterson. We found him out of the bucket in late May of 2023. And there you go. Who knows your next bucket full could be the next future superstar of the show.

Starting point is 01:00:17 We're gonna meet them all together. Make some noise for Dallas Urban, everybody. The debut of Dallas Urban. Oh, he's been on before. The return of Dallas Urban. Oh he's been on before the return of Dallas Urban. What's up buddy? Oh yeah uh I went from 230 pounds to 185 pounds in a year and a half because yeah we're working my ass off and stuff and the best thing that's happened to me is fucking all those beautiful little fat white girls and mixed race kids over in Pflugerville y'all. That's all I can tell you man. I'm telling you little Trayvon McAllister needs a dad and I'm here for it. He's gonna be a left tackle for a

Starting point is 01:00:47 Super Bowl winning team and I'm here for it yo. I don't even give a fuck if they have yellow teeth. Just saying. Oh man I don't understand how incels exist man when those women exist. I'm just saying, dude, like I had one trust fund girl here and my dick is not a block of cheese. It's more of a little smoky of anything like that. Why are you grading it? Oh, God damn, I suck.

Starting point is 01:01:19 Shit, this sucks, Tony. I suck, man. I absolutely suck, man. Oh, good Lord. I will, I will I absolutely suck, man. Oh, good Lord. I will, I will, I will, I will. You don't know how... Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. This sucks, man.

Starting point is 01:01:33 I am a horrible dude. I fucked up. I completely fucked up. All right, I'm gonna stop you there because you're over a minute now. You started repeating, I suck, at 47 seconds. Yes, sir, yes, sir. That's my bad. Yeah, no, sir suck at 47 seconds. Yes sir, yes sir. That's my bad.

Starting point is 01:01:46 No sir, no sir. Dallas, what makes you even attempt this? I really don't know. I guess I'm just not a Kill Tony guy because I've done this my fourth time and I am very ashamed of myself right now. Are you, when you say you're not a Kill Tony guy, does that mean you- Oh, funny, sorry. Right. Yes sir. Okay. He's stepping on your punchlines too. It's

Starting point is 01:02:10 incredible. These guys, they just come in and really, he's apologizing silently now. He just mouthed the words, I'm sorry to me. Dallas, have you considered getting fat again? It would help, dude. It would fucking help, it seems like. It's worked for me. Dallas. I like it good, though. Thanks, man. You too, buddy.

Starting point is 01:02:31 Wow. Dallas. Yes, sir. What do you think? How long you been doing this now? Maybe like three years now. Three years. Most of the time here and stuff like that.

Starting point is 01:02:40 When you say here, where do you mean? In Austin, Texas. Right. OK. So three years, why don't we hear the best joke you've ever written? I got this, Dallas. that and like you say here where do you mean in Austin Texas right okay so three years why don't we hear the best joke you've ever written this Dallas best joke ever written okay on the show multiple times you say you're not a kill Tony guy let's hear your very best joke here it is three years in the game

Starting point is 01:02:57 yes a servant yes sir okay I found out I was adopted and I got to meet my biological mom when I was 20 years old 14 years ago and She gave me five numbers to look up and they were all black dudes Yeah, that's it Yes, sir, yes, sir, yes, sir, that's not even a that's not even a joke That's just a sobering reality. I Mean like they called her salad tosser and I'm just like, oh that explains everything about me sexually.

Starting point is 01:03:30 So like that explains so much man. Dallas I'm going to let you off easy tonight. I saw your hair get more gray during the set. He had a lot of confidence when he came out. I thought it was going to go well. I thought so too. Dallas, you're gone. Goodbye, Dallas Irvin.

Starting point is 01:03:49 Yes sir, yes sir. There he goes. Put the mic in the mic stand. Can you guys boo Dallas Irvin? Boo. There you go. Get it, go Dallas, go. Get the fuck out.

Starting point is 01:03:58 There you go, very good. That was a true bomb. That is a no joke book. Do not pass, go. Do not collect $200. Bomb. Luckily, we have a solution now. When somebody bombs, we call in the fucking bomb squad. We have a superhero that specializes in performing after somebody bombs. Ladies and gentlemen, this is 60 seconds from the great and powerful, True Nickens!

Starting point is 01:04:26 All right, ever since I've been made a regular by Tony, my DMs have been popping. I'm talking short, I'm talking tall, I'm talking skinny, I'm talking wide. It's crazy. Some of them are young and fresh, some are a little old reliable, they're amazing. And some are good and healthy for me, some are dangerous and toxic but they make me feel so alive they all want me to they love my energy they even want to be with

Starting point is 01:05:13 me they'll do whatever it takes they'll even pay me I mean these energy drink companies are really thirsty for me man thirsty as hell they all want to recruit me like I'm the next Billy Mays. But wait, there's more. There was this health influencer, she slid my DMs. She said, Drew, I love you. You're so cute, but I'm worried about your heart. I said, baby, it's safe with me. She said, no. Drew, I'm worried about your heart. It's going to explode. That's when I shotgun an energy drink and then I block that bitch.

Starting point is 01:05:54 Thank you all so much. Drew Nickens, he loves energy drinks, ladies and gentlemen. Yeah. I love it. So, Drew, welcome. Another new minute for you. How's life going? It's amazing, Tony.

Starting point is 01:06:09 Everybody's been so supportive. Everybody's been so kind. There's some funny nutties, but fuck them. We're having a good time, right? Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! You're damn right.

Starting point is 01:06:21 So Drew. He's the new regular. Yeah, one of the new rotating regulars. That's awesome, man. All it took was a guy with a head injury to replace Hans. Yeah. I love it. So Drew, uh, are there really a lot of girls in your DMs?

Starting point is 01:06:43 Hell nah, Tony. I swear, there's four girls in my DMs and seven energy drink companies, dog. That is amazing. The ratio is crazy. Four girls, Drew. You're doing great, dog. Dude, I got nothing. Really?

Starting point is 01:07:00 What? Nada. Purple bacon? Nothing. Incredible. I like your haircut, Arnie. Nothing! Really? What? Nada. Purple bacon? Nothing. Wow. Incredible.

Starting point is 01:07:08 I like your haircut, Ari. Thank you, Drew. This is, this is, it's so good to be hanging out at recess with you two right now. Yeah, you're the foreign kid who has to be friends with Drew. Wow.

Starting point is 01:07:28 In your cut. I'm kidding, I you you're a light backstage I'm so happy for you man. Thank you so much Mr. Talon I really appreciate you. He's one of the best in the game right now. Let's give it up. Absolutely, absolutely. So Drew I love it you know, you had your first Texas kiss here. You go on dates at all? You like girls, right? Yes, I love girls. You get nervous around? Do you like women?

Starting point is 01:07:52 Yes, I like women too. Hell yeah, Sam. Nice. You been on any dates or anything? Other than the Taco Bell and the car that I ate with a girl, I got friend zoned over spicy nuggets Tony. That was an uber driver, Drew.

Starting point is 01:08:07 She didn't have red hair. Drew, what else have you been doing? Have you checked out Austin, Texas at all? Have you gone out? Gone away? I like to go to malls and go to the outlet malls and find shoes and then I like to go to the arcade and play big buck hunter. I had the time of my life. I went to one of your ghetto malls here in Austin. I think it's called Lakeway or something.

Starting point is 01:08:35 It was amazing. Fuck yeah. You are the biggest 11 year old we've ever had on the show. It's perfect. We also had a big woman on the show earlier too. You're growing. Yeah. You know, Ari, I don't know if you know this, but in your country he would have been euthanized.

Starting point is 01:08:54 Holy shit. Nobody's made it so far. I think he survived the euthanation. We didn't say it about Cam and Bobby Brown Jr., but I promise you they would have been euthanized as well. It's cause I'm black right? You're correct Drew very good. Wow somebody's got Kool-Aid on his rider. So one time Tony I put who laid that shit was amazing. Holy shit. Oh my God. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Drew. Ha ha ha ha ha. Dude, you're crazy.

Starting point is 01:09:31 He's crazy. Ha ha ha ha ha. Drew, we love you. You pulled us out of another bomb. That's another new minute from Drew Nickens, everybody. Yeah! Yeah! It goes on and on.

Starting point is 01:09:43 Can't understand how we last so long. We must have superpowers. All right, your next bucket pool, ladies and gentlemen. 60 seconds going to Chloe Lebranche. The train keeps rolling. Chloe Lebranche. Here she is. Make some noise for Chloe, everybody.

Starting point is 01:10:03 I hope you guys don't mind if I start with a light joke. Okay, cool. I went home with this guy the other night, and he started raping me. But then I looked up, and I saw he had a Yale diploma hanging over his bed,. I was, thank you so much. I was thinking about the women who were fucking the hijackers in 9-11. I feel like women always give men the hijackers in 9-11.

Starting point is 01:10:49 I feel like women always give men the benefit of the doubt. They're probably like, ah, they're on a boys trip. (*audience laughs*) (*audience cheers*) We know who did it, relax. (*audience laughs*) As a woman, I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. As a woman, I'm really sick of pedophiles. I'm sick of these men fucking these kids

Starting point is 01:11:12 because it's like these kids, you know, they're stealing our jobs. Chloe Lebranche, this is your first time on the show, right? Yes. Welcome, welcome. How long you been doing stand-up? Uh, like 11 years when I'm not in rehab. I love it.

Starting point is 01:11:31 11 years. And what were you in rehab for? Uh, you know, I'm an alcoholic, but like, I'm not a loser. I'll do pills, you know? Right. If you have them, I'll take them. Same? I love it.

Starting point is 01:11:43 What kind of pills were we doing? What do you have them, I'll take them. Same? I love it. What kind of pills were we doing? What do you have, Tony? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha I don't want to think anymore. We're bringing it back when I go trans. I... That's how you get new faces. I love it. Chloe, where are you from? New York. New York. Do you still live in New York? I do.

Starting point is 01:12:12 And what do you do for a living? Paint houses, I'm guessing. It is quite the getup. They did make an all-female Ghostbusters. Yeah. This is the reboot of the reboot. Not gonna go well. Hell, yeah.

Starting point is 01:12:27 At least we know you're not on your period. Heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-he Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Starting point is 01:12:52 Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Starting point is 01:13:00 Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank It's at eye level for you. That was good, Sam. Thank you. Just thinking about Phoenix's cock again. Um, so...

Starting point is 01:13:29 What do you do? Oh. I, um, I'm a part-time assistant. Okay. All right. Mm-hmm. Very good. Part-time assistant.

Starting point is 01:13:42 You make enough money to survive in New York City? Sure. Ooh, okay. Well, you sleep in a cupboard, right? Yeah. Incredible. So, you're an alcoholic, you say, but you're in recovery. Yes. How long have you been sober?

Starting point is 01:13:58 I just got my first year on June 11th. Congratulations. Yeah, thank you. What's the trick? How do you do it? How does someone stay sober? Well, you try for eight years, and then... Yeah, and then nobody wants to drink with you anymore. Including yourself, so that's really it.

Starting point is 01:14:21 Amazing. You go to meetings and stuff? Yeah. Keeps you in check? Yes. Do you have like a story when at those meetings, like you have like a good story, like some people are like, I was driving a car and then I saw my baby seat in the back

Starting point is 01:14:36 and it was wrecked or whatever. What's yours? That was it. Is that it? Okay, I nailed it. There you go. No, I have a lot. I could like sell my bottoms on eBay.

Starting point is 01:14:46 I got a lot of problems. I, uh... Oh, here's a good one. So, I was at rehab in Malibu, and I, uh... My boyfriend... We just met, but in rehab, you have to get a boyfriend immediately.

Starting point is 01:15:00 And, uh, so he got kicked out because his drug dealer, Baby Doug, threw drugs over the hedge and then everybody got fucked up. Yeah. What kind of drugs again? Xanax and Coke. Oh yeah. The best. Oh yeah. That's like giving Drew Nickens a case of Red Bull.

Starting point is 01:15:18 It's a hot girl speedball. Oh yeah. It's also a big fat guy speedball. Yeah. No, but then I, should I keep going with the story? 100%. Oh, okay, yeah, relax. I love it.

Starting point is 01:15:33 That's like your catchphrase. Yeah. Everyone needs to relax. It's probably me. I'm always projecting. So Zanny and Coke comes over the hedge. Yeah, so I'm fucking this guy right now. No, he gets kicked out and then they...

Starting point is 01:15:54 We all have to have our cell phones at Malibu. It promises not a good place. And because they think we're like executives, but so... You're just a part-time assistant. I mean, I met Mariah Carey as a manager they're pretty big deal for rehab anyway so then he gets kicked out and then I'm all upset so I make this plan I'm gonna run away to see him so I convinced them to take me to the alumni meeting downtown in Malibu where all like the

Starting point is 01:16:21 promises alumnis are doing whatever better of preachy motherfuckers, right? Yeah, so they take my phone and my wallet and then I have two people watching me who came to watch and then one turns around and I run and I go into Ralph's and they sell vodka so I steal a bottle of vodka. You stole it? Yes, because I didn't have a wallet. Right. I love you, Chloe.

Starting point is 01:16:46 Chloe, don't give a fuck. It gets a lot better. So then I got blacked out in this skate park. As an adult? Yeah. I'm on a list now. No, so then I go back to the meeting and I have like my bottle of vodka

Starting point is 01:17:06 and I start like screaming, can I have a cigarette? And I start screaming, I'm like, I walk in the meeting, I'm like, fuck you, fuck you, you guys don't know what it's like to have a problem. So they call the ambulance and they make me go to the hospital outside UCLA. And then like I get let go from the hospital at like 7 a.m. I'm wearing a hospital gown.

Starting point is 01:17:29 I have a bag just of like Marlboro lights and a crop top. And so I don't know what to do, but across from the UCLA hospital are the UCLA frat houses. Uh oh, party time. Yeah, you know what I'm talking about. Let's fucking go. So I walk in, right, and I start fucking this guy. I get it, I get it, I get it.

Starting point is 01:17:52 No, so I knock on the door of SAE, and so I know the code. If anyone wants to know, you just say, Fiafaf, brother, and... And I go in, and I'm like, wearing a hospital gown, and they have to let me in, because I say the code. I walk in, I'm like, wearing a hospital gown, and they have to let me in, because I say the code, and I'm like, I need a fucking drink. And they give me like a beer, and I'm like,

Starting point is 01:18:12 come on, don't you have anything harder? And they're like, well, last night we had like jungle party, so like we used all the hard alcohol, but we have beer. And the hot girls, I'm like, oh, we're not saying you're not hot, but. So then I'm like drinking a beer, preaching, I'm like, you guys never do drugs. Right?

Starting point is 01:18:29 Yeah. What time of the day is this? 7 a.m. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow.

Starting point is 01:18:40 Yeah, so then, I don't have a phone, so I get one of the black boys. By the way, I can't believe I had to phone, so I get one of the platforms. By the way, I can't believe I had to ask. You're blatantly from New York. This is incredible. The way you're smoking and telling this story. So then another thing, I wake up, 7 a.m., I'm in L.A. I don't want to be there. Fuck them.

Starting point is 01:19:00 So I says to the guy. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. All right. Relax. Call back. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:19:20 Amazing. Chloe, absolutely incredible. So a year sober. I didn't finish the story. Go on. So then I get one of the frat guys, he's snorting Adderall before a test. And you're like, there's my boy. Yeah, I was like, there's a guy I'd like to marry.

Starting point is 01:19:37 And I get him to call me an Uber back to Malibu. Wow. What a gentleman. Hell yeah. Spoiled little rich UCLA kid, snorting at her all, sending you on your way. No sexual interactions? He just got you an Uber to Malibu from UCLA? I wasn't looking too good, Tony.

Starting point is 01:19:58 Oh, okay. Didn't want a fucking Indian guy. They could already smell the alcohol in me. I didn't want that too. Wow. Absolutely amazing. Chloe LaBranch. Amazing.

Starting point is 01:20:16 What else are you into? What do you do for fun now that you're sober? I like to go to horror movies. I like to play soccer. What are you, the ball? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:20:27 Yeah. Relax. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It was like, look at us go, you know? It's like, we're like David Tell and Ross right here. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:20:39 Dibs on a tell. Yeah. Yeah. Amazing. Amazing, Chloe. Absolutely amazing. Yeah. want to tell. Amazing. Amazing, Chloe. Absolutely incredible.

Starting point is 01:20:50 So what brings you to Austin, Texas? I was featuring for Corrine Fisher. Nice. At the Creek. Oh, awesome. And look at you now. Another rock bottom. No, I said the boss, I'm like, I want to go and kill Tony.

Starting point is 01:21:06 He's like, as a judge? I was like, no, contestant. He's like, Jesus. Who said that? Rich Voss. Oh, well, yeah. Yeah. There you go.

Starting point is 01:21:14 Rich. Yeah, second name drop. Yeah. Rich just wishes he could have as good of a set an interview as you had here tonight. Incredible stuff, Chloe. Very, very amazing. And I said it earlier, but we have all different types of people that come here.

Starting point is 01:21:31 There's nothing I think is cooler than when a real comedy vet that knows the fucking ins and outs and they're way around an actual improvised interview and following a lead and taking the ball and running with it. And you just did that for 11 and a half minutes. Here's the big joke book. It's made of real Texas leather. There you go, Chloe. There she goes, Chloe Lebranche making her Kill Tony debut.

Starting point is 01:21:57 Taking a chance. Signing up. Getting pulled out of the bucket. Amazing. Getting up, getting pulled out of the bucket, amazing. And now we have a very special treat, ladies and gentlemen, a golden ticket winner, a legend of the show. You know him from this show, from going on, being found by Howie Mandel on this show, brought over to America's Got Talent,

Starting point is 01:22:21 made it all the way to the semi-finals. They screwed him. They had to mess up his microphone and his phone in order for to eliminate him or else I think he would have won the whole goddamn thing. He's back. The Canadian Crippler. Make some noise for Aaron Belial everybody. Come on, you can do better than that. It's the return of Aaron Balai. Being disabled, I often run into people who tried to recruit Jesus to fix me. I was in a taxi one time and he pulled over to tell me that he once cured an ear infection by praying. He says he can cure me since cerebral palsy and ear infections are

Starting point is 01:23:25 exactly the same. I don't have a lot of options so I'm like okay let's see what you got big boy. Didn't work. I tried to pray his body odor away that didn't work? I tried to pray his body odor away. That didn't work either. This poor broken man was so sad. I actually needed to apologize to him for still being disabled. It's okay, buddy. It's okay.

Starting point is 01:24:01 You'll get it next time. I still have faith in you. It's not you. It's okay, you'll get it next time. I still have faith in you. It's not you, it's me. Next time a religious person tries to pray to heal me, I'm gonna start curling up the other arm and say you made it worse. (*audience cheering*) Another new set by Aaron Belial. Very fun.

Starting point is 01:24:31 Aaron, always on fire. Ari, why are you laughing like that? The wheels are turning over here. I hear another Euthanasia joke. You beat us to it on that one. I feel like this guy's into youth in Asia. Oh, look at this guy. People keep asking me if I've been in porn and I'm like, no, that's Martin fucking Phillips.

Starting point is 01:25:02 I did get you two mixed up for the first two weeks I was here. A lot of people. In Denmark all disabled people need to wear a dandelion necklace to mark them. Here we need to wear neon green bracelets. Yeah, those are going to be on forever by the way. There's no getting those off of that wrist. Those are permanent bracelets. You son of that wrist. Those are permanent bracelets.

Starting point is 01:25:27 You son of a bitch. Oh, you son of a bitch, you did it again. Absolutely amazing. Aaron, you have some new facial hair. That's incredible. Amazing stuff, you can do that. That's not affected by your condition whatsoever. A little homage. Yeah, that is-

Starting point is 01:25:44 I need hormones to grow it better. Absolutely. Okay. And you've been doing the road. Things have been going good. You're making money selling tickets off of Kill Tony fame. People love you. You're doing good.

Starting point is 01:25:57 You have no idea how to respond to that. Not AGT. Oh, AGT. Oh, thanks for giving them the credit. Very good. They're all dead. Oh, yes. The fan base of AGT is dead is what he's saying. They're old and they, yeah, exactly. Right. It's crazy that you can figure this out and that fucking scooper guy couldn't do anything.

Starting point is 01:26:23 Holy shit! Dude! It turns out he just has to have the scooper permanently attached to his arm the entire time. I love your act out. The guy in the front row almost fainted from awkwardness. It was incredible. The poor guy didn't know what to do.

Starting point is 01:26:44 Amazing stuff, Aaron. Oh, here was incredible. The poor guy didn't know what to do. Amazing stuff, Aaron. Oh, here we go. I'm not sorry. There you go, fuck that guy. Yeah. So Aaron, what else is going on? You're in Austin, Texas. You're dressed like, oh.

Starting point is 01:27:00 I moved to Austin yesterday, and tomorrow I'm getting stem cells, so that should be interesting. I told him I only want them from the neck down. If they make me talk, I'm gonna be fuckin' pissed. Oh my God. That would be hysterical. I thought Red Band was the sound effects guy.

Starting point is 01:27:14 Absolutely amazing. I'm so glad you're here. I'm so glad you're here. I'm so glad you're here. I'm so glad you're here. I'm so glad you're here. I'm so glad you're here. I'm so glad you're here.

Starting point is 01:27:22 I'm so glad you're here. I'm so glad you're here. I'm so glad you're here. I'm so glad you're here. I'm so glad you're here. I'm so glad you're here. I thought Red Band was the sound effects guy. Absolutely amazing. So stem cells coming down, we don't know what can happen. You got nothing to lose, that's for sure. It's only up from here. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:27:42 I could ruin my career. Absolutely amazing. If you have a voice that it will be incredible. Absolutely impossible I'm guessing, right? What would be the first word you would say if you could speak? Oh please, please. Auto corrects about to take It starts with N. Wow! Oh my God. That is the perfect answer. That was the first English word you learned too Hell yeah, dude, I've said that more than I've said hello, you know saying Erin Belial what else is going on? It's Nana

Starting point is 01:28:41 Nana oh and and when Yeah, and Also, I'm bombing. No. No, you're not. No, you're doing just fine. You're doing absolutely great. Warning, warning, warning. Overload. System overload. Overdrive. I love it.

Starting point is 01:29:00 Aaron, so you moved to Austin. What's going on? What's your living situation? Better than Bobby Brown Jr., I take it. Aaron, so you moved to Austin. What's going on? What's your living situation? Better than Bobby Brown Jr., I take it. I live in a one bedroom, one bathroom unit. I'm living in one of the fan's spare units. Fans? A fan of the show has a spare unit. Absolutely. Speaking of spare units,

Starting point is 01:29:26 who could forget Phoenix Provocateur? Uh... Oh. She has... Uh-oh. Oh, look at him. He's jumping. Yeah, you could live in her foreskin. Ha-ha-ha. Pfft.

Starting point is 01:29:38 Ha-ha-ha. I can't believe Tony said he doesn't know how to identify as a woman. That's like me saying I don't know how to fall down a flight of stairs. You son of a bitch. Do you fall sometimes? Is that a thing that happens? Only in love. Incredible. Did I steal the words right out of your Bose speaker?

Starting point is 01:30:10 You are amazing. I absolutely love it. So, stem cells tomorrow, anything can happen. Stem cells famously course through the body and find things that need repair and cling to them and work on it and... My next appearance is gonna be crazy. Do you get to choose black or white stem cells?

Starting point is 01:30:48 Like, is that, like, an option? We shall see. Oh, boy. That was a frightening tone you had there. We shall see. Throw a few extra E's in there, dude. We shall see. Ah.

Starting point is 01:31:05 Buzzing Buzzing I love it. We shall see. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah.

Starting point is 01:31:11 Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah.

Starting point is 01:31:18 Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. here. There he goes. Aaron Belial, golden ticket winner, defender.

Starting point is 01:31:27 Always a solid set. From America's Got Talent semi-finalist, Kill Tony golden ticket winner, Aaron Belial. Onward we go with the show. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for your next comedian, Jacob Marshall, everybody. Jacob Marshall, right out of the bucket. Here he is.

Starting point is 01:31:46 Yeah. So, I used to have an Apple Watch. I don't anymore. I got rid of it. I hated it. Because there's this thing you can do with Apple Watches where you can connect them to a friend that has an Apple Watch, and it'll tell you when they finish a workout. Which is terrible, uh, because back story,

Starting point is 01:32:09 I was dating this girl for like three and a half years. We break up, it's a Saturday night, a few months after the breakup. I'm sitting on the couch with my best friend watching a UFC pay-per-view. And at midnight, I get a notification on my watch that says, Kylie just finished a 17-minute cardio exercise.

Starting point is 01:32:29 Yeah. Yeah. Whoo! So y'all are smarter than me. Uh... Because I looked at my friend, I was like, it's a little late for a run. He was like, Jacob, she's not running.

Starting point is 01:32:45 She's being ran through right now, dude. All right, that's all I got. OK, exactly a minute. Your ex fucked after you broke up. OK. What's your name again, bro? Jacob Marshall. Jacob Marshall.

Starting point is 01:33:03 Good work. Thanks, man. How long you been doing stand-up, Jacob? Three years. Where at? Dallas. Okay, how often you come to Austin? About every three months. And what brought you here today? Just this? My aunt's in Paris right now, so I'm dog-sitting for her for two weeks. Aunt's in Paris, one of my favorite Jay-Z Kanye West songs. Um... Paris, Texas, right? Okay, so you're ants in Paris.

Starting point is 01:33:32 Your house sitting for her, is that what you said? Yeah, house sitting. And she lives here in Austin. Okay. Does she have a nice house? Yeah, it's not bad. Okay. Have you noticed Bobby Brown Jr. sneaking in in the middle of the night. I love it.

Starting point is 01:33:48 Okay, Jacob, what do you do for work? I'm in sales. It's kind of boring, like marketing technology. It's not super exciting stuff. It's not kind of boring, Jacob. That's ridiculously boring. It's so boring. Overwhelmingly boring. What do you do for fun?

Starting point is 01:34:03 I go out, I like live music a lot. I go out. My mom actually recently started like a country music career, so I've been like reluctantly supporting that. Your mom recently started? Did your dad just die? Oh, they're long divorced. No, dude,

Starting point is 01:34:20 like she's 54. She sold her house in Dallas, moved like out to the country, adopted like eight cats, and then was like, she's 54, she sold her house in Dallas, moved, like, out to the country, adopted, like, eight cats, and then was like, I'm going to Nashville to record a country music album. Oh, so she lost her fucking mind. Yeah. Dude, she's like a meth head boyfriend away from being Joe Exotic. It's incredible.

Starting point is 01:34:36 Have you heard this album? What's it called? Where can we find it? What's it called? She's released her first three songs. Where at? On what? It's on Spotify. What's it called? Oh, God. Her first song was called... Are you pretending like you don't know your mom's name right now?

Starting point is 01:34:51 No, I just hate that we're promoting it. It's okay. It's called Kissing Frogs. Oh, hell yeah. Let's go. No, don't. Okay, very good. Red band, very good commitment. Go to Spotify and actually look up the thing that we're talking about. Her name is Delee, which is spelled D apostrophe L-E-E.

Starting point is 01:35:08 Oh no. Holy shit. Holy shit. That's like a name from your home country. There you go. Hot mom. Yeah, she is hot. Wow, let's listen to it. Oh, yo, yo, yo.

Starting point is 01:35:20 Yo mom's... Oh, yo mom's banging, bro. You actually do have a ridiculously hot mom. Yo, yo mom's, oh, yo mom's banging bro. You actually do have a ridiculously hot mom. Yo, dog. We are the 1,635th listen on Spotify, 1,635. You got them, kiss folks if ever you. Hope them for a prince to come forward with the last truth Can you get your mom on the show sometime?

Starting point is 01:35:49 That went so much better than my set. That's awesome. Yeah, it's unbelievable. She a squirter? Did your friends like... Red band. When you were growing up, did your friends like joke about banging your mom? Yeah, hell yeah, dude. She's fucking fire!

Starting point is 01:36:06 Everybody? And the divorce was rough out here? Have you ever heard another man fuck your mom? Oh my God. You got to get your mom a Fitbit. It ain't going to be 17 minutes, you know what I'm gonna get your mom a Fitbit. Dude, that... It ain't gonna be 17 minutes, you know what I'm saying? Hell yeah, she's kissing more than frogs out there, dude. Holy shit.

Starting point is 01:36:33 So let's... Bangin'. Oh my God. This is incredible. It's bothering you so much that it makes me just want to ask more questions about your mom. Well, she writes her music with chat GPT, which like hurts me to the soul. I don't give a fuck! Oh yeah. That doesn't matter.

Starting point is 01:36:53 Do you talk to her often? Ahhhh. Ahhhh. Like once a month. Okay. Once a month. It's tough for her to talk with her mouth full. I love it. Your mom would suck off anyone on this stage right now. Probably, yeah.

Starting point is 01:37:14 Hell yeah. Absolutely incredible. What do we got there? Oh, Redman just followed her on Instagram. Holy shit! Your mom now has 62 followers. And one of them is Redband. Someone's gonna fuck your mom, dude. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:37:31 No doubt about it. Oh my God. This is the worst thing that could have happened to you. Oh, she accepted already? Bro! Bro! I'm sure I'm a fan for you. She immediately accepted the follow request.

Starting point is 01:37:41 She is live. Oh my God. No, no, no, no. Redband is DMing your mother right now. Yo, what's up boo? Hit send on it. Let's see if she responds. Please tell me this is going to get seen in real time. This could be one of the greatest moments in the show's history if she randomly responds to Redband. This is the first message she's ever received. Oh my God.

Starting point is 01:38:09 This is absolutely incredible. You did this to your mom. I'm sure the Kill Tony fans will be very nice online. The good news is she's about to literally, yeah, her following is about to, I mean, more than double, more than triple. It's going to be, she has 60- It's going to be a big day for her.

Starting point is 01:38:32 62 followers right now. Remember the moment where your mom had 62 followers. She is DLEE.Official on Instagram. What? No, dude. For those of you looking for the DeLi imposters, just know go to DLEE.official. No, it's official. That's the official account in case there's another account that has more than 62 followers. Oh, I see the pictures, more pictures. Oh man. I'm so glad my mom is dead. My mom is dead too. Thank God, dude.

Starting point is 01:39:07 Oh, she's vibing. There's some videos, dude. Oh, wow. She's live on this one. Why did the divorce happen? Oh, man. There's video of this. Nobody is paying attention to her at all.

Starting point is 01:39:21 This is incredible. So how did it make you feel when your mom left you and started her music career in her mid-50s? Not great. It feels way worse now. Yeah! Jacob Marshall. Do not look at my mom on OnlyFans, Red Band. Oh, oh my God. Oh my God.

Starting point is 01:39:52 Oh, it's a difference. It's okay, hold on. It's okay, false alarm. It's a different D-League. It's a different D-League on OnlyFans. I was about to say, I don't know about this. Like, I can't. Well, I mean.

Starting point is 01:40:08 I was wondering how she funded the album, but. She's kissing more than frogs, it turns out. Wow. Oh, no. Unbelievable. She did buy an Audi recently. I was like, I don't know where this came from. Like. Wow. It's not don't know where this came from. Wow.

Starting point is 01:40:25 It's not from music sales. It's not... She's using AI for her OnlyFans avatar, also it seems like. Well, at least it's not really her. I don't know. Okay. Jacob, before I let you go, most interesting thing about your entire life... Whoa. Okay, Red Band, that's a different... Red Band just started walking forward. Come on, get out of here.

Starting point is 01:40:47 Yeah, exactly. Red Band just went down someone else, some other Dee Lee's rabbit hole on fucking. Good enough for me. Just blowing up pictures and zooming in on tits. You fucking pig. All right. Jacob, anything else about you? Your mom really stole the show here tonight.

Starting point is 01:41:08 Uh, I guess I found out recently I have a boyfriend, Dick. That was... What does that mean? I didn't know what it meant. The girl that told me basically said it's like not too big, not too small, like the Goldilocks of penis. Wow, that's terrible. It was, I was like, it sounds like a really, like, nice way of saying I have a small penis. Wait, would's terrible. It was like, it sounds like a really like nice way of saying

Starting point is 01:41:26 I have a small penis. Wait, what do you say? This lady said something. It's a thing. It's a thing. Is this your boyfriend? Dude, guys like that always have the biggest cocks. Oh, yeah.

Starting point is 01:41:40 They're not girthy, but they're long. Yeah, long. They look like a marsupial's tail. Yeah. All right, Jacob Marshall, you know what? The set was very, in my opinion, kind of just OK. I liked the premise, but you didn't really take it that far or take any real chances with it.

Starting point is 01:41:59 But I will say this. Since the interview, you fed us your mother on a hot platter. I'm gonna give you a big joke book. There he goes, Jacob Marshall, everybody. All right, one more bucket full. You guys still having fun? All right. Okay, make some noise for Tom Feeback, everybody.

Starting point is 01:42:24 Your final bucket full of the night, Tom Feeback. What's up, guys? It's good to be here. I grow up playing football, and football coaches never have anything nice to say. You know, like, my coach would always be like, you suck, you're a pussy, your mom's a whore. Yeah, and that would always hurt my feelings

Starting point is 01:42:43 because my dad was the coach, and, uh... We weren't even in the game. We were like, Dad, I'm nine, and it's Christmas, you know, so let me... I don't know. My dad was tough on me growing up. I feel like dads aren't tough anymore. Dads now are complete pussies. It's true, you know?

Starting point is 01:42:57 Because I was at the store the other day, I saw this dad with his kid, and the kid was being bad. And the dad just said it all the time. He's like, Carson? Carson? Carson, one, two, one. I was like, dude, you fucking suck, dude, you. My dad would never have to say my name that many times growing up, my dad would be like, hey, the fuck,

Starting point is 01:43:14 and that was it, that's all I got. Dad's have these, I'm not saying like, hit your kids or anything, but they should be a little intimidated, you know? Cause like the scariest thing that my mom could tell me growing up is, I'm gonna tell your dad. Yeah, you tell a kid in 2024, you're gonna tell his dad, he'd be like little intimidated, you know? Because like the scariest thing that my mom could tell me growing up is I'm going to tell your dad. Yeah, you tell a kid in 2024, you're going to tell his dad? He'd be like, who, Bill?

Starting point is 01:43:29 How about this? Fuck Bill, how about that? All right, guys. Thank you. Tom, be back. Welcome to the show, Tom. How you doing, Tony? Good minute.

Starting point is 01:43:42 Thank you. First time on, right? First time on, yeah. How long you been doing stand up? Like three and a half years. Where at? Chicago. And do you visit, Tony? Good minute. Thank you. First time on, right? First time on, yeah. How long you been doing stand up? Like three and a half years. Where at? Chicago. And do you visit here often?

Starting point is 01:43:49 I just moved here like three weeks ago. Congratulations. Thank you. Just out of curiosity, what made you move to Austin, Texas? For comedy, man. I was doing comedy in Chicago. And I was doing a lot there. So I was like, I want to expand a little bit.

Starting point is 01:44:00 And you could have gone anywhere. You could have gone to New York. You could have gone to LA. And you picked Austin. Yes, 100%, dude. Yep. Smart move. Just want to make a little bit. And you could have gone anywhere. You could have gone to New York. You could have gone to LA, and you picked Austin. Yes, 100%, dude. Yep, smart move. Just want to make sure people listening from New York and LA hear that.

Starting point is 01:44:10 Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Anyway. That was really good, man. Oh, thank you. Appreciate it. How do you make a living, Tom?

Starting point is 01:44:17 Right now, I'm doing Uber Eats. Uber Eats? Yeah. OK. It's a terrible job. OK. Yeah. That's the great job, no.

Starting point is 01:44:23 You don't have any creeps in your car. Uber Eats is easy, bro. No, you're thinking of Uber Alice. You could have had a different job. You know that if you lived in Estonia, you would be euthanizing people. No, he looks European. He looks good.

Starting point is 01:44:39 Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Yeah, he's got dominant features, blue eyes. I like it. German Italian. That's what I'm saying. Yeah, he's got dominant features blue eyes. I like it Was that an Estonian gang sign you just threw up right? This is the biggest thing to ever happen to Estonia dude you on this show. Yeah, I know yeah Since the wall fell or whatever Was latke gravis. Did he say it? Did he claim Estonia? I can't remember. Latke Gravis, Andy Kaufman's alter ego character.

Starting point is 01:45:10 At one point he did. I think it was Estonia. Yeah, yeah, he picked like some. And then our famous claim to fame in Chino man, where Paulie Shore made the joke that the caveman is from Estonia. Dude, national news in Estonia. Wow. 1996, four years into our

Starting point is 01:45:26 country, Hollywood are coming. Brendan Fraser. Brendan Fraser. Oscar winning Brendan Fraser. That is your boy. Okay, Uber Eats. So what's the craziest thing that's happened in your Uber Eats career? Craziest thing that's ever happened? One time I went to take a delivery and the guy told me to come in the house and yeah, he was completely naked. Oh. Sores all over his body. He just had pill bottles everywhere and piss jugs everywhere. You bastard.

Starting point is 01:46:00 He didn't have to come in the house, but you know, he came on the porch instead. Why did he invite you in? Did he want you to put the bag somewhere? Yeah, he wanted me to put the bag on his bed. He was like 700 pounds, so he couldn't get up. Oh, Jesus. Yeah. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:46:14 Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

Starting point is 01:46:21 Fuck. Fuck. That was when I was Brendan Frasier. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I love it. So you went in there, That was when I was Brendan Frasier. I love it. So you went in there and was it, so you dropped the bag and was he like insinuating something happening or what was? Well he was completely naked.

Starting point is 01:46:36 Yeah, but what was the vibe? He just had a towel over his dick. What was the vibe? The vibe? It was a good vibe. I liked it. It was a good vibe, I liked it. I'm into it.

Starting point is 01:46:47 He tried to tip but he couldn't see it through his belly fat. Did you see his dick? Or was it like all fucked up and mushed? Yeah. I want 600 pound life, there's nothing there dude. Yeah it's like inverted in his body dude. Sure. Yeah bro. Absolutely amazing. Tom what do you do for fun? For fun? Other than stand up? Hang out with my girlfriend, hang out with the dog. Oh okay you have a girlfriend. Yeah. Where'd

Starting point is 01:47:17 you meet her at? High school. What does she do? She's a nurse. She actually just got a job down here. So she's a nurse in Austin, Texas. Yes. Do you ever have her dress up as a nurse? And you guys role play? She orders Uber Eats. And calls you into the house. She only has a towel.

Starting point is 01:47:39 There's piss jugs everywhere. She has her good dance goes on. No we don't really she's not really that adventurous you know but I do like the scrubs the scrubs are pretty hot. Tell us more about the non adventurous sex. Yeah that was a bad comment dude to millions of people about your girlfriend. You know? I don't know. Just being honest, dude. Oh my God. You're so fucked, dude. Dude. If I was a girlfriend and my boyfriend is on the biggest podcast in the world, not that adventurous. It's perfect.

Starting point is 01:48:16 So let's talk more about it. You guys have the same type of sex regularly? Or is sex regular? Yeah, sex is regular. But it's also, it seems very plain. You missionary position? of sex regularly or is sex regular? Yeah, sex is regular. But it's also, it seems very plain. You missionary position? Yeah, missionary, doggy, that's pretty much like...

Starting point is 01:48:31 Missionary, doggy, that's it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Nothing else. Does she ever get on top? Yeah, she gets on top sometimes. She gets on top sometimes. She's so tired from work though. Yeah, from providing.

Starting point is 01:48:43 From carrying the relationship's finances on her back. My boyfriend's an open micer. I'm doing 16 hour shifts. My girlfriend's not adventurous enough. I'm tired, you asshole! Ari Matty opening up the playbook here in the late innings. I love it. Getting involved in the fourth quarter.

Starting point is 01:49:15 Yeah, I love it. I fucking love it. Ari Matty, one of the most fun people to drink with and hang out with at this club. I'm very excited about this first panel appearance for you, Ari. Oh, back to Tom Feeback. That's your real name, Feeback.

Starting point is 01:49:34 F-E-B-A-C-K. Why would he choose that as his stage name? I know, it's very bizarre. Okay, and you've been with the same girl since high school. Yeah, like 10 years. How old are you now? 26. 26 years old. So is that the only girl you've been with the same girl since high school. Yeah, like 10 years. How old are you now? 26. 26 years old.

Starting point is 01:49:48 So is that the only girl you've ever had sex with? You've never been blown? I've been blown before. Huh. Blown? Did you say blown? Blown. Like blowjob.

Starting point is 01:49:57 Right. Yes. Never heard. Yes. I just never heard anybody say it like that. Have you been blown? That Estonian accent's a little tricky. When you're facing that way, I can't read your lips. Have you been blown?

Starting point is 01:50:16 Have you? Have you? Have you been blown? I think I need a Bose speaker. Pfft. Pfft. Oh. So it's the only girl you've ever been with sexually. I've been with a couple girls. Whoa.

Starting point is 01:50:34 You cheat too, dude. You're in trouble. Yeah, that'd be crazy if you admitted that on the show. I've been with a couple fucking girls this week. I want an adventure. I've been with a couple fucking girls this week. I want an adventure. I love it. Okay, Tom, anything else crazy we should know about you

Starting point is 01:50:52 before letting you go? Except the boring sex. I don't know, I think the boring sex is, you know, everyone wants to get choked and slapped and shit. I don't know, it just seems weird to me. Okay, well, you know what? You should go to aonia bro it will show you will fuck you and suck you there's a gimp on the flag no I don't even know where Estonia is. The flag is... Hey! Whoa. Hey. Be nice. Be nice.

Starting point is 01:51:28 The flag is... You know where Estonia is. Blue and then white and then black. Blue, black and white. I had to think about that. Yeah. It looks like the black... Sounds like my band.

Starting point is 01:51:40 Nice. All right. It's the same colors as the Blue Lives Matter hat. It is, yes. Very confusing for us. Because you guys don't have black people. No. Tom Feeback, congratulations.

Starting point is 01:51:56 You got pulled out of the bucket. A very, very, very good set. You're leaving with a big handmade leather jokebook. Tom Feeback, ladies and gentlemen. Sorry about your girlfriend. And that, the words of the great Montel Jordan. That is how we do it.

Starting point is 01:52:14 And there's only one way to end an episode like this, ladies and gentlemen. It is with the Hall of Famer, the record holder for all time appearances, all time interviews, all time everything. He is the great red goat, the Memphis Strangler, the Tijuana Tarantula, the St. Louis Laredo Lazy Boy, the Vanilla Gorilla, the... what's the main one? Oh yeah, the Big Red Machine. Ladies and gentlemen, this is indeed William Montgomery.

Starting point is 01:53:02 After watching the first presidential debate, I just want to say, don't blame me. I voted for Morgan in Morgan. The debate was so crazy that at one point they argued about golf, which is kind of insane because one of the only times Biden told the truth was when he said he was a sixth handicap and he is stage six dementia. In a poll taken after the debate, 72% said Biden is suffering from some sort of cognitive impairment, and the other 28% said,

Starting point is 01:53:34 man, I thought that old ass man was dead. A man recently threw a big gulp on Chicago's district attorney, Kim Foxx. Wait, Red Band, isn't that your mom's porn name? A man recently threw a big gulp on Chicago's district attorney, Kim Foxx. Wait, Red Band, isn't that your mom's porn name? Fucking slut. Hawk to more like Cardinal Sin. Okay, that's right.

Starting point is 01:54:01 59 seconds on the dot from the Golden Goose. Real close, almost had right, Tony. 59 seconds on the dot from the Golden Goose. I almost had it, Tony. I almost had it. My goal is 60 tonight. You did 59 seconds. You were one second away. The big red riot himself. A beautiful, beautiful man looking more wizardly every day.

Starting point is 01:54:22 Well, it could be, Tony. The air conditioner went out at the apartment this morning so it's currently 85 at the apartment so I have been laying around the apartment all day I got Dairy Queen twice on Uber Eats. I ate two different blizzards today one it was really great one had a bunch of toffee in it and the other one was was animal cookies it was an animal cookie one. Oh, that sounds fucking amazing. It was really good. Yeah, it was pink, it was really good,

Starting point is 01:54:49 but that was helping keep the temperature down. Mm, wow. Red, Red Man's AC is working fine, and he also had two blizzards today on the actual ice. I love how you get so sensitive when William's on stage. You're so sick of it. You're so sick of your mom getting called a slut every week. Well, it's probably because she's legitimately sick right now is why he's...

Starting point is 01:55:20 Oh, how do you know that? We talk. I mean, that's not a joke. I mean, we talk. Yeah, she's not doing good right now. Do you want to plug your mom's Instagram page? Yeah. Wait, I was never going to say this, but there was one time we were in Mitzi's after this,

Starting point is 01:55:37 and we all are looking at our Instagrams saying, oh, what pops up when you put on your home page and literally Red Band gets his phone out and it's a bunch of women breastfeeding. Oh my gosh. It was the funniest thing it was babies getting breastfed Actually only one is true No, you actually are and what's funny is that you think other people get recommended this a lot But you don't know that Instagram's algorithm directly shows you things that you watch all the time. Yes, I mean, it is incredible.

Starting point is 01:56:13 Half of the things, there's also George Floyd. What's the George Floyd one there? How does he mix, how does he fit into all the breastfeeding videos? Is it George Floyd breastfeeding? I know in Estonia the breast milk is powdered. I mean, you're... Soviet Union, yes, Sam. You fat fuck. You're doing good, Sam. It looks like you're losing a little bit of weight.

Starting point is 01:56:40 Are you losing some weight? Yeah, I'm down 45 pounds this year. Congratulations. Wow. Incredible. I'm sober 45 pounds this year. Congratulations. Wow, incredible. I'm sober like you, bro. I quit boozing. And also Ozempic.

Starting point is 01:56:49 Didn't you get on Ozempic a couple weeks ago? No. No, no. How have you been doing it? How have you been losing the weight? I just quit drinking 12 Miller Lights a night. Oh. Yeah. Yeah, you have been non-alcoholic tonight

Starting point is 01:57:04 and you are normally a heavy drinker. Oh yeah, I love them been non-alcoholic tonight and you are normally a heavy drinker. Oh yeah I love them. So what made you quit drinking? Turns out I'm morbidly obese. Oh morbidly William. No you're not. That's one of the worst adjectives. I know. Well you're working on it. I am. It is historically. Yeah. Do you still drink? Have you switched to hard liquor or anything? Or are you just sober now? I had some natural wine on my birthday. Wow.

Starting point is 01:57:31 And also, Tim Dillon made me drink in Copenhagen. Oh, nice. We went to a very fancy restaurant. They had a wine pairing. And he went, he'll have that. Why wouldn't he have that? That's good. Oh, that's a good Tim Dillon you got.

Starting point is 01:57:41 It's good. Why would it be bad? I like that. Yeah. I like that. I like that. Now, you two used to work together in Denver, Colorado. William lived there for a while. You're one of the kings of the Denver comedy scene, Sam

Starting point is 01:57:53 Talent. And we had a great time. We used to have the best of time. Can I ask you something? Yeah. Did you read the new Cormac McCarthy books? Yeah, I read the first one. I did not read the second one.

Starting point is 01:58:06 They sucked. Yeah, it was kind of sad. It's his last book. It was kind of sad. It wasn't great. Yeah. I didn't know this was the time for a literary conversation. I'm sorry.

Starting point is 01:58:17 Yeah, it wasn't great. It was sad. Yeah, we had a lot of great times together when we were still boozing relentlessly. Yeah. We were. I remember being at your house. You lived in that house in that compound looking thing

Starting point is 01:58:28 and just getting blacked out drunk. Yeah, down in Waco. Sam lived in Texas for a little bit in 2016. And it got really weird. He literally did have these people that were following him at that point in time. I was just, Sam and I were good buddies. And he invited me there. And it was so weird watching Sam.

Starting point is 01:58:48 He would sharpen his knives and it was so weird watching him storm in this bedroom one night, just filleting this guy's face while he's still alive. Well, he didn't want to admit that that was the one true god. I know, I know, I know. Duh. William, you joked a lot about the debate. Did you watch it?

Starting point is 01:59:07 I did watch it, and Tony, I think it is scary for all of us. I try not to ever really get political on this show. But I swear to God, the real losers on all of this are the American people. How do we have two fucking old men up there? What is going on? I wanna run for president in four years. Whoa!

Starting point is 01:59:30 After watching the debate, Tony, I'm gonna run. Wow, what are some of your platforms? Tell us some of the things that you're gonna do to make America. Get fucking Hispanic people out of Applebee's, Tony! Wow, the Hispanic people out of Applebee's, Tony! Wow. The Hispanic people there don't look excited about this at all. Well they'll learn to love it!

Starting point is 01:59:55 You're just gonna kick them out of Applebee's, specifically only Applebee's? Yeah, I mean are you cool with that, dude? Huh? Who's gonna cook the food, William? Pfft. He-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he thing. Oh, I think so too. I mean, we need to, we have to, I think maybe open up the borders a little more because I swear when I see these Hispanic people getting kicked out of Applebee's, we need to keep the train going because Tony, the Hispanic people will stop going to Applebee's once they find out they're going get kicked out, but if we open up the border, we're gonna have a never-ending supply of fucking Hispanic people

Starting point is 02:00:49 to kick out of the Applebee's, and Tony, that's not all. That's not all, Tony. We need a Dairy Queen on every corner, Tony. Wow. Absolutely incredible. And how are we gonna pay for these Dairy Queens, William? God, from the... There's a trade deficit going on, Tony.

Starting point is 02:01:12 We have to deal with the trade deficit first and foremost. And how would you deal with that? I mean, we've got to get our GDP going in the right direction. I mean, we've got to get really strict with countries like China. I mean, we've got to tell them we're not going to buy their chips anymore. We're not going to buy their little plastic things, we're gonna set up an embargo on China, seriously. What kind of Chinese chips are you buying? Pringles! Alright, I'm sorry, I can't help myself. I can't help myself. But yeah, all kinds of

Starting point is 02:01:41 stuff, but I'm just really excited about the opportunity. I mean, we'll see. China is a problem. That's true. Tell us more about that. You go ahead. I can't say it anymore. You say it. I read some blogs.

Starting point is 02:01:53 It is a huge problem. And the fact that your presidential candidates are two old men with the alternate sounding like Martin Phillips is a big problem. It's a giant problem. I mean, how are we ever gonna be to the tip of the iceberg again in the world, political, socioeconomic, status, Tony, how are we gonna get there? It's not gonna be with two fucking old guys

Starting point is 02:02:18 running for president. It's gonna be off of the back of maybe some balding redhead a person that is gonna go after, I'm gonna, I that is gonna go after, I'm gonna, I'm gonna fucking go after. I absolutely agree. I truly think the best man for the job is a balding redheaded person.

Starting point is 02:02:34 Thank you, Tony, and I'm just so hot, and it's so hot at the apartment, I'm just dreading. I'm not even kidding, I'm dreading going back to the apartment tonight. Red Band, can I stay at your place? I know I go after you about your mom and shit, but please, you have two places. Can I not stay at one?

Starting point is 02:02:50 Sure. Oh! Thank you. Oh wow, look at that. Thanks so much. You're welcome. Thank you, okay. Wow.

Starting point is 02:02:57 Absolutely incredible. Yeah, I'm sweaty. Do you see all this, Tony? It's really not good. It is incredible. It's all that ice cream. That's literally all I ate today. You've been eating ice cream all day you're sweating profusely you're wiping

Starting point is 02:03:10 off your hand all over your shirt. You're getting very close to me. I want to give you a raspberry. Do you really want to? I can't think of a better way to... Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, Sam. Hey, yeah, there you go. Thank you, Sam. There you go. A true raspberry on one of the greatest red berries I've ever had on the show. Trans Gingers. You're really sweating that toffee, buddy.

Starting point is 02:03:45 Yeah, no, it's not good. I mean, it's getting worse by the minute. You taste it. You taste the blizzard. Animal cookies. Tastes like Patrice O'Neil's piss. I love this run for president. Are you going to go all the way through with it?

Starting point is 02:04:01 Yeah, oh my gosh. I mean, Tony, I think I probably... Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, Comedians if you love him on this show wait till you see what he does all by himself with a microphone is a stand-up a true True monster out there Sam talent comm anything else Sam Pittsburgh and Detroit this month. Yep Subscribe to my YouTube. I have a cool travel show. Oh, yeah subscribe to this YouTube as well. That'd be great I always forget to say that my producer Yoni always yells at me for not saying subscribe to the show. There you go. Sure. Ari Matty plug something. Ari Matty comedy. Ari Matty comedy on Instagram. Everything there. Thank you. Ari Matty comedy on Instagram. Everything's there. He needs the followers.

Starting point is 02:05:06 We have to get him. I need to make it quick. How many you want to see Ari as an American citizen? There you go. The drawing from Ryan J. E. Belt is in of Sam Talon. Absolutely incredible. Shout outs to the Horn players in Deep Madness who couldn't be with us here tonight.

Starting point is 02:05:28 A lot of fun stuff coming up on this show. Incredible, incredible stuff. Thanks to all of our regulars and golden ticket winners and bucket pools tonight. And to you guys, the live audience that comes every week. Fills it to the gills. The hardest ticket in town. Anything else?

Starting point is 02:05:45 Check out the Sunset Strip Comedy Club, sunsetstripatx.com. Love you guys. A lot of fun announcements coming around the corner from me. I'm gonna finish my touring schedule strong, so that's gonna be announced very, very soon here. It's gonna be an easy rest of the year. Madison Square Garden and a very couple other special things coming around the corner. Thank you to our live audience. Go have fun, Austin, Texas.

Starting point is 02:06:10 We love you. Good night, everybody. Thank you. So So So I'm gonna be a man, I'm gonna be a man The The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to SunsetStripATX.com for tickets. I'm gonna go. you

KILL TONY - #674 - SAM TALLENT + ARI MATTI

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