KILL TONY - #677 - JORDAN PETERSON - TYLER FISCHER - KIM CONGDON

Episode Date: August 20, 2024

Jordan Peterson, Tyler Fischer, Kim Congdon, William Montgomery, Ari Matti, Casey Rocket, Kam Patterson, Hans Kim, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, Jon Deas, Matthew Muehling, Joe White, Kristie Nova, Yoni, Kino Loasis, Troy Conrad, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – 07/15/2024 NOW AVAILABLE! WATCH US AT MADISON SQUARE GARDEN AT KILLTONYLIVE.COM TONY HINCHCLIFFE @TONYHINCHCLIFE TONYHINCHCLIFFE.COM BRIAN REDBAN @REDBAN DEATHSQUAD.TV SUNSETSTRIPATX.COM Download the Gametime app, create an account, and use code KILLTONY for $20 off your first purchase. Get $80 off your first month with promo code SPACE80 at https://talkspace.com/tony Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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You know, I just love this show because you never know what kind of a melting pot of guests you're going to get. Tonight is just a perfect little stew. Three unbelievably entertaining human beings. Ladies and gentlemen, your guests tonight are Jordan Peterson, Tyler Fisher, and Kim Congdon. Oh my god, Jordan Peterson! Tyler Fisher, Kim Congdon! Make some noise for our guests tonight!

Oh yeah! Ha ha ha ha! We're gonna watch some damn stand up comedy tonight with Jordan Peterson, Tyler Fisher, and Kim Congdon. Uh, Kim started on this show 11 years ago, the first regular writing and performing a new minute 11 goddamn years ago. How about a hand for Kim, everybody? Thank you.

She just moved to Austin, Texas this week! We got another one. Another Austinite, ladies and gentlemen, was in New York for a long time. Brand new special, the election special out on YouTube right now. Also just moved to Austin, Texas. Another one of the funniest human beings in the world.

You guys are going to know all about it real soon. This is the great Tyler Fisher, everybody. And one of the great minds of our time, absolute genius, starting his own university, you can't even make this up. First guest we've ever had on this show in 11 years that has a university coming out, the Peterson Academy. Yes, the Peterson Academy is coming soon. It's like out now. And his book, November 12th. We Who Wrestle with God.

Jordan Peterson is here, ladies and gentlemen. So, you know, we're gonna talk to some comedians tonight. We're gonna figure out a lot. This is gonna be both a smart episode and a stupid episode of Kill Tony, guaranteed. I'm pumped about it. Over 250 comedians signed up for the chance to get 60 seconds on this stage.

Yeah, if I pull their name out of the bucket, you know their time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. Whoo! Unbelievable. There you go. Yeah, good. That means they have to wrap it up then, or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. And then I interview them.

We find out more about them. And with my esteemed panel, maybe they get some advice. We find out something interesting about them that they could talk about. Anything in the world can happen. The whole show is improvised. Are you guys ready to start tonight's show? Yeah!

Yeah! Well, we have a regular that performs every single, well, we have a rotating regularship right now, and this guy is taking the world by storm. Ladies and gentlemen, the Estonian assassin is here. This is a brand new minute from Ari Matty. ["R.E. Matty"] ["R.E. Matty"] ["R.E. Matty"] Yo, yo, yo, what's crack-a-lackin'?

I recently went to Canada. Whoo! As I like to call it, gay America. Ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha! Canada and America super similar. I kind of feel like you guys had the same parents, but in the divorce, Canada went to stay with mom.

You know what I'm saying? She hugged him way too much. Kept telling him affirmations. Of course, you can wear a skirt at school. Gender is a construct. As you see the world, the world sees you. But then you guys obviously stayed with dad. He gave you a beer and a gun and was like,

you don't listen to nobody. And that was, I was in Canada, I was watching, I was watching the news. I was flipping between American and Canadian news. American news so fucking intense. Every time you watch American news, it's always like, multiple assailants, semi-automatic! You turn over to Canadian news, they're like,

local town beaver has gone missing. Back to American, Donald Trump tries to legalize rape! Thank you very much, guys. Ari Matzi. The jewel of Estonia has arrived again with another brand new minute. We're in a hurry to get you your American pass, or American, what is it, citizenship.

Well, I'm happy with a visa. What? Visa. Okay. Yeah. You'd be happy with a visa. I'd be happy with a visa. Absolutely.

Yeah. So how's that process going good? Well, you've been helping a little bit, but otherwise it's a bit of a shock in the dark. Maybe I need to join a university. One thing's for sure, you're not getting... Jordan, do you have some degree where you don't need to be smart? All degrees are like that now. Oh. Ah!

Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!

Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!

Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! I got in the Uber, he go, you don't take the Euro? What's going on? What's going on? What's going on? Ah, ha ha ha ha. Ari, so much fun. We had fun in Florida.

I took you to do some sold out theaters with me. Florida people are fucking crazy, huh? Jesus. That was your first time in Florida? First time in Florida, yes. We talked to some porn stars after the show. Holy shit. Okey-dokey.

Uh, thank you, sir. Anything else you'd like to tell the fucking world that we did after I paid you to live your dreams on the road? I wasn't available. You take this illegal immigrant over, finish the wall. You gotta finish the wall. They're taking our jobs. You don't usually talk to porn stars.

Right, yeah. That's all we did. Just some good old conversation. Nothing better than conversing only with porn stars. I wore a condom just in case. I don't have any weird spots on my dick, not at all. Ari, so much fun. What else is going on in your life?

Anything else crazy? I don't know, I've just been chilling out, trying to integrate, you know, smile more. Otherwise pretty cool, cool club, everybody's so funny, Tyler, you're so fucking funny. Estonians don't smile a lot? No, it means you're up to something, you know? Oh.

That is kind of interesting. It is, right? When you meet someone, ha ha. Right. They're like. It is, right? When you meet some... Right. They're like that in Europe, huh? Yeah. Well, Eastern Europe, you know, we've been fucked over a bit.

Right. Whoa. Yeah. You're kind of like me. Jordan, you went to Estonia. You could be the pedophile and the kid. You kind of... That's kind of...

We both have that vibe in a way. I catch pedophiles on the weekend. I just hang out at the playground. He's an auto-pedophile? Auto-pedophile. Oh, you have... That's a Carl Jung quote, I think, right? Wow, Tyler, I didn't know you have such beautiful blue eyes, you know?

Oh, thank you. Dominant feature. He's trying to get a visa. You're pretty too, Kim. No, thank you. I don't like foreigners. Ari Matty, an amazing way to start the show. So funny as always.

Thank you so much. Thanks so much for Ari Matty, everybody. Have a good night, guys. And now things get crazy, ladies and gentlemen. This is where we meet people. I mean, these people perhaps waited for hours hoping that their name gets pulled out of the bucket. Anything can happen.

It could be a crazy person, could be the future of the show, could be a genius, could be a moron. Anything can happen. Make some noise for your first bucket poll. We're gonna meet them all together. It is Clemente Valegas, everybody. Clemente. ["Prison Body"]

["Prison Body"] ["Prison Body"] ["Prison Body"] ["Prison Body"] ["Prison Body"] So I got told recently that I have a prison body. Yeah, someone was like, you're prison big. And I didn't know if that was a compliment or an insult. You know, like, does it look like I do push-ups,

or can you tell that I've been molested? You know? Bad at handling soap. Um... No, but I heard that, and I was like, I should do more cardio, so I went and got an Apple Watch, you know? Counts my steps.

I thought it'd motivate me to go run. It hasn't. But I have learned a lot about myself. Like, I just recently discovered I can masturbate for three miles. That's... That's pretty good stamina, you guys. That's a whole 5K. I got an athletic dick. Um...

A lot of vegan food. Big push for vegan food. I feel like eating vegan... eating a vegan burger for the first time is a lot like eating a trans vagina for the first time. I'll explain. Um... Because first taste, you're like, oh, this is new. This is exciting, you know?

But then you get halfway through, and you're not sure if you're eating new pussy or just some old leftover dick. You know? But then you finish, and you feel better about yourself and the environment. It's a joke, you guys. I've never had a vegan burger. There you go. Clemente Valegas getting it started here.

Yeah. Kim Congdon. I feel like you just got declined from Jordan's university. I can't afford it. You've never eaten a vegan burger, but have you eaten a trans pussy? Not yet. Oh, okay. Would you?

You know, if the time is right. Yes. They're getting better. Maybe in like four years, you know. How do you know they're getting better? Are you looking them up? Are you researching them? Well, there's plenty out here, you know. Are you seeing them? Are you tasting them?

What do you mean they're getting better? I mean, like, they look, like, the first one, you know, like Bruce. That one is kind of rough, but like, lately. How do you know? Have you seen it? No, just in person. I mean, not in person. Just on TV, you know? Like, they look... I'm talking about specifically the vagina. Oh, no. I have not seen a vagina in person, no.

Um... A trans vagina. How about a trans vagina? I've seen regular vagina. I couple. Um... But no, I haven't. I don't know if I believe you. Clemente, how long have you been doing stand-up?

Seven years. Where at? I started up in Amarillo, Texas, but I've been here three years. What do you do for work? I work for a credit union. Okay, so you're like a bank teller. Yeah, I do like in the loan department,

so a lot of paperwork stuff. And so you want to work in a business where there's no money. You want to switch that. Yeah, I do, like in the loan department. So a lot of paperwork stuff. Uh-huh. And so you want to work in a business where there's no money. You want to switch that. Just give up all the money. Stay where the money is. It kind of looks like Nate Bargatze

fucked Andrew Schultz a little bit. Yeah. I can see that. A little bit. All right. All right. I can't see that. Two funny comics. You look like you'd wear a monocle well.

You ever thought about it? I would try doing an accent. I can't see that. Too funny comics. You look like you'd wear a monocle well. Ever thought about it? I would try doing an action like the last guy and you'd be famous fucking touring with this guy in no time. Okay. I'll let you eat my trans pussy. It's like a veggie burger. If it works. Oh yeah, veggie burgers are disgusting.

You can get those installed for free in Canada by the way. Somebody break out Bill C-16 and we'll get to the bottom of it. Clemente, what made you want to start stand-up comedy? I just, every time I would make someone laugh I would just feel really good about myself. How would you do that? You know like when I was when I was a young child and I would say something stupid and people would laugh at me, and I'd be like, oh, hell yeah. And it made you feel good. Yeah, yeah.

Right. Spreading joy. Do you have any other hobbies other than stand-up comedy in the criminal union? I go to the gym. I read books. I like hiking, swimming, you know, outdoor shit. Cool.

Mushrooms are funny. Jeez, how exciting. Wow. Mushrooms, mushrooms are funny. Jeez, how exciting. Wow. He really does look like he's been in prison though, right? He has like- Have you, have you ever been arrested? No.

You look like you make ramen noodles in a grocery bag. Like. I've done that. What's the closest to getting arrested you think you've ever been? That's a good question. Closest to getting arrested. Um, I got busted with weed in, like, high school,

and I had, like, a gas mask, and the cops took it. Um, but one of my friends took the blame, and I was like, cool, so he went to jail. Um... Do you have any special skills or talents of any kind? You good at anything? That's a good question. Saying all his ex-girlfriends are crazy.

You just keep saying that these are good questions, and then you give bad answers. I know, I know, I know. Okay, here's a little joke book. We'll keep it moving along. Oh, yeah, thank you. There he goes. Clemente Villegas.

We're gonna get someone else up here. Just a little shell shock. How about a hand for the violinist? Isn't that amazing tonight? So lovely. I love it. This podcast is sponsored by Talkspace. Guys, it can be challenging to find and meet

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Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Please play responsibly. I love it. Hell yeah. Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.com. Please play responsibly. I love it. Hell yeah. Your next comedian, 60 seconds, going to Alex Barbosa, everybody. Alex Barbosa, okay. My tits are so small, when me and my husband fuck,

he grabs his own tits. Ha ha ha. Ow. Ha ha. We just had to put my grandma in hospice. Sorry to ruin your fucking day. But I really just came down to the fact that we didn't want to spend all of our inheritance money

on her dialysis. Fucking bitch was stealing all my Diet Coke. I told her, I'm like, karma is a real thing. And she said, you want to know what's real, Alex? It's stuck in a Nazi's dick to save your family. She likes the schnitzel. What can I say? My mom's dating a black guy. I find it kind of suspicious

that she keeps a separate brick of water filter in the fridge for him. I'm like, Mom, you can't filter Hennessy. Thank you all. Alex Barboza, welcome to the show. This is your first time here, right? Yes, sir. I love it.

How long have you been on stand-up? Eight months, exactly, today. Where at? Melbourne, Florida. OK. Yes, you are. I know. Oh, my goodness.

That's where Kim Congdon's from. Very good. I will have to tell you. Can I give her Oh my goodness, that's where Kim Congdon's from. Very good. I will have to tell you, can I give her a piece of advice? Of course. No one gives a fuck when old people die. When you were like, sorry to ruin your day, my grandma's old, everyone's like, cool. It's gotta be like someone younger

to make it more exciting, I think. Well, that would've killed during COVID actually. We suddenly gave a shit about old people. Yeah. For three years. We don't anymore. No one gives a fuck anymore. That's true.

Yeah, we're back to not. I didn't get the vaccine. My pediatrician said I was too tiny. So I'm still a little caught up on it. What do you do for work, Alex? I work in supply chain at Blue Origin. What is that? I'm a supply chain analyst, so I enter data to procurement for them to process orders

for... Wow. Wow. And you're here in Austin for how long? Until Thursday. Okay. Just coming out, doing stand-up, trying to get spots? Yes, sir. Right. And when did you get here? I got here last Thursday. Okay, just coming out, doing stand-up, trying to get spots? Yes, sir. Right. And when did you get here?

I got here last Thursday. What have you done for fun since you've been in Austin, Texas? I've done 13 open mics and shows together, yeah. That's pretty much all I've done. So you're getting it done. Yes, sir. A lot more fun than Melbourne, Florida. Fuck yeah.

Absolutely. Is this what straight women look like in Melbourne, Florida? Well... Are you... you said you're married? in Melbourne, Florida. Fuck yeah. Absolutely. Is this what straight women look like in Melbourne, Florida? Well. Are you, you said you're married? People do say I come off a little gay. Yeah, when you came out I was like, Jojo Siwa's doing standup.

No, I am married to a man, yes. Oh, okay. How long have you been married? We've been together for 10 years, married for three. How long has he been trans? What does he do? We've been together for 10 years, married for three. How long has he been trans? Um. Um. Um. Um.

What does he do? He works at the same company, but he paints the rockets. Paints the rockets. Yeah, he sounds gay. What do you do for fun, Alex? Anything in particular other than stand-up? Um, I do drifting. In a car?

Yes. Like the Middle Eastern art form of... Yeah. Just without the brown skin. Right. Right. Same chest, different skin. Yeah. I love it.

You drift over to the pussy at all? Are you sure you're not a lesbian? This is what we're... This is the stock we're dealing with. It's hard to date, Jordan. This is... Imagine getting lectured about the patriarchy by... By a drifter.

She's like, I'm out of here. Whee! Closest you've come to a lesbian experience, anything? I ate some Middle Eastern pussy, actually. Whoa! Oh, my goodness. Wow. How'd you get... I think she's the bluntest comedian I've heard for a long time.

Yeah. No, it's good. It's good. What was the eating Middle Eastern pussy like? Tell the people. How did you get the sand out of your teeth? White sauce or red sauce? What? I'm sorry. I said it. Thank you. A water picker, floss.

What was it like? What was your experience eating a Middle Eastern person? If I'm being honest, guys, it tasted like shrimp curry. So that's why I'm straight. That's scarier than it was funny. Unbelievable. My goodness. Your mom is with a black guy? Yes.

How long have they been together? About five years. Was she only with white men before that, as far as you know? Pretty much my father and a British black guy, but yeah, that's it. A British black guy? Doesn't count. Now she's with an American black guy? Uh, yes. He's... Right. Different than the British black guy.

Yeah. From super hot tea to Hennessy. That's what we call that right there. Amazing. And so that's basically your stepdad. Yeah. When you say, now, yeah, what do you mean? He's a piece of garbage. Whoa. That's racist. Uh-huh.

Why is he a piece of garbage to you? Because he's... He cheats on my my mom and he's a fucking asshole. How do you know that he cheats on your mom? How do you guys know that? Well, me and my mom are really close. She's fucking us. Yeah. What?

Good thing you're canceled already, Jordan. That's what I've been thinking the whole time. How do you know that he's cheating on her? Well, me and my mom have discussions about, I'm very close with her. How does she know that he's cheating on her? She had some girl come to her house and vandalize her car and try to break into the house and a lot of stuff like that. And you saw, they saw her on video or something? Yeah, she had to get a camera and report it to the police. I'm secretly scared it's my mom.

Could be. Ha ha ha ha ha. She just broke up with her black boyfriend, you guys. Was this a, was it a white woman, black woman? It was a white woman. A little bit thick? Yes. Is your mom a little bit thick?

Yes. Yeah. It's Florida, Tony. Oh well, it's also a black stepdad. That's how it goes. So why stand up for you? So I've tried a lot of hobbies in my life, and I've never really found anything that I'm good at. And the first time I tried stand up,

it honestly changed my life. It's what I imagine doing heroin is like. So. What do you like about it? I like the rush that I feel after and the attention I get from people. Oh, very honest answer. Unbelievably, I don't think we've ever actually had that answer.

It's like the correct answer. That's actually the right answer. Took 11 years plus for us to have somebody. You should run for office. Yeah. You could probably win the Democratic nomination, actually, right now. Yeah, anyone could.

If only I was black. Sorry. Whoa, black, sorry. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa, okay. All right, we really need new black sound effects. That's for you, stepdad. I love it. Well, Alex, a very, very fun, honest, real interview.

I can't remember how the minute was, to be honest with you, but I liked your interview so much that I'm giving you a big joke book. Thank you, sir. Congratulations. Made by the great Bones Eye. Alex Barbosa. All right, let's do something fun here, ladies and gentlemen.

We have a golden ticket winner here, everybody. And what's exciting about this golden ticket winner is that this is his first time ever cashing in on his golden ticket. He was made one just three or four weeks ago, and this is his first appearance, his first new minute. He's only been on once before. This is the first ever golden ticket cash-in

from Jack Shaw, everybody. Here he is. -♪ Oh, yeah. Recently, a homeless man called me a bitch. How did he know that about me? Um... I'll tell you what happened. How did he know that? About me? Um...

I'll tell you what happened. I was walking, and I saw this homeless man in a wheelchair, sweeping in front of his tent. And I was thinking to myself, oh, I guess he cares about his curb appeal. Oh. Oh. So... I was looking at him because it was interesting

and apparently I was looking too long because all of a sudden he turned and he locked eyes with me and I smiled because I was afraid and then the homeless man stood up from the wheelchair. I couldn't believe it. It was a fucking miracle. And he points at me and he says,

you're a fucking bitch, McLovin. This homeless piece of shit decided to make fun of me, and he was smoking crack out of a Lego, everybody. Thank you so much. I'm Jack Shaw. Jack Shaw. Very entertaining. Attacking a homeless man for 60 seconds. You got your revenge.

Jordan, what did you think of the great Jack Shaw? Who's the character you're playing, or is that actually you? Um, it's me. That's me. When did you discover that and decide to capitalize on it? The last time I was on this show. Yep. Nervous, neurotic. What were you gonna say there, Joe?

Are you a comedian? What? Occasionally. Occasionally. Oh, God. Okay. Jack, you're so weird. You are such a weird dude. I love it. It's unbelievable. You make Larry David look like Michael Jordan. It's incredible. It is incredible. What is this? Is this like a vaccine gone wrong or what's going on?

It's like a vaccine. It's like a vaccine. It's like a vaccine. It's like a vaccine. It's like a vaccine. It's like a vaccine. It's like a vaccine. It's like a vaccine.

It's like a vaccine. It's like a vaccine. It's like a vaccine. It's like a vaccine. It's like a vaccine. It's like a vaccine. It's like a vaccine. It's like a vaccine. It's like a Jordan. It's incredible. It is incredible. What is this? Is this like a vaccine gone wrong or what's going on?

It's what they said last time. It is that. I didn't mean that aggressively. Okay. I don't think you could ever be aggressive. No. Yeah. You look like if you had a movie,

you'd be called the Honey I Shrunk the Charisma. Yeah, you bitch. Disney brings you non-binary Harry Potter. Hairless Potter. I'm starring in Harry Potter and the missing chromosome next year. I love it. Jack Shaw. It's like Rick Glassman's come. So Jack, you're how old again?

25. 25 years old. And how long you been on stand up? Three and a half years. Three and a half years? I love it. And what do you do for work? Well, I used to teach traffic safety to kids,

but then I quit that job. You quit? I did. Um, well, I used to teach traffic safety to kids, but then I quit that job. You quit? I did. Wow. Did you lose any kids? So many kids. We did this last episode.

How old were the kids? How old were... How old were the kids? Oh, about, like, 5 to thirteen. We lose everybody, dude. Everybody in between. Why would a traffic school apply to little children? Is this your own business? Startup?

Power wheels or something like that? Yeah. No, it's a family friends business. Uh oh. But explain to us the process of a family-friends business. Uh-oh. But what... Explain to us the process of a children's traffic school. So there's cars in the road, and sometimes kids walk in front of those,

and you need to tell them not to do that. Is that the elevator pitch for the business? Yeah. There's red lights and green lights and yellow lights. I like all three of them. He seems good at his job. Unbelievable, seems like one of the kids. So it's just for bad parents, I guess.

That is correct. Amazing. Did you get hit by a car or is it like a personal thing you're just trying to pass the torch? Yes. Dude, you would make a killing live streaming. They love autistic kids like this. On Twitch.

He is twitching. Do you have, like, a neurological thing or just you're just about to cum all the time? A lot of... No, people tell me I have a cummy vibe. Yeah, I love it, dude. I love it. I'm into it. I'm into it. I'm into it.

Oh, yeah. This is a man. All right. You want a little bit of this? Jack, what else are you into? What do we not know about you? Don't ask that. You're like if Woody Allen couldn't get any pussy ever. What do we not know about you? Don't ask that. Ha ha ha ha.

You're like if Woody Allen couldn't get any pussy ever. Woody Allen would have loved to run his own children's traffic school, by the way. You stay right here. It'd be all Asians though, so. Make a lot of money on that traffic school. Who needs traffic school more than Asian children, am I right? Jack, tell us something we don't know about you

that we didn't find out last time that you were on the show. I masturbate a lot. Well... No, he said something we didn't know about you. What's your masturbation process like, Jack? Well, I make sure nobody is around, first of all. And then you pull out, what do you jerk off to, a tax form? You racist son of a bitch.

Cause I'm Jewish, okay. He's like, it's a coin, actually. Yeah. I use lotion, and... Oh, yeah. I bet you do. My neighbors hate it, dude. They hate when I masturbate, because they're always like, close the window,

and I'm like, what am I supposed to masturbate to, dude? It's like... Did you take the lotion from a hotel? What? God. Oh, man. You went there. Oh, my God. Oh, yeah, no, I know.

I gotta send her this. But what do you masturbate to in real life, Jack? Oh, people on screen. Okay. Is there a specific thing that you've been typing in lately? Is there a fad that you're into right now, specifically? I like porn stars, Is there a specific thing that you've been typing in lately? Is there a fad that you're into right now, specifically? I like porn stars because I like to know

who I'm masturbating to. It's sort of a personal connection. That is frightening. Somehow that's the scariest thing you've said all night. Amazing. Do you have a favorite porn star out there? They might be watching right now. Oh, yes. Hiding. They're hiding.

Psst, psst. You do? Oh, yeah. Uh-huh. Who? Who would it be, Jack? Name some names. Drop some names. Oh, I like Sky Bree. I like...

Sky Bree. I feel like I'm like show show and tell for porn stars. I like Sky Bree, and I like Lisa Ann, and I like Mariah Mills, and I like... My girlfriend's gonna hate this, dude. She hates this so much. Yeah, these are kind of Mills that you're naming. Yes. Ah.

Very interesting. Yeah. So, there is something specific that you're into, Yes. Ah. Very interesting. So, there is something specific that you're into, and it is the love of your mother. What does that mean, Jordan? Do you have an analysis on why a guy would be into MILFs specifically, why someone would be into older women? Is there a psychological reason for that? I don't know.

I mean, maybe that's... I... Do you smoke weed? Oh, yeah. Yeah. A lot. Yep. Are you attracted to your mom at all when you're high? No, just when I'm sober. Okay. Wow.

Amazing. Amazing. Jack, you are a wild boy. So how's LA treating you? LA's been amazing, man. This show changed my life, everybody. Give it up for Kill Toy. This is the best show on the planet. Stayed on it to give it up.

What changed? Someone asked me to sign their tits. Ha ha ha! That guy was so fat. Ha ha ha! ["The War in Ukraine"] ["The War in Ukraine"] Ha ha ha!

["The War in Ukraine"] You sound like Kamala Harris talking about the war in Ukraine. That's your speech pattern. I like this, I like that. I like tits, I like butt. He looks like he's going to try to sniper in a few months. Yeah.

All right. Then we will truly be, if that happens, we will be unburdened by what has been. That is for sure. Jack, congratulations. Your first time cashing in on your golden ticket. A fantastic set, a fantastic interview. Thank you so much, everybody.

This is the beginning of the saga of the young Jack Shaw. Back to the bucket we go. I do believe this is a famous character from our past. Ladies and gentlemen, this is a new minute from Karen Jones, everybody. Karen Jones. It is indeed that Karen Jones. Yeah! Yeah!

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Yeah! Yeah! How crazy was that, watching Trump almost get killed? That was so insane that I was distracted watching it by how stupid the Secret Service girls looked. I watched it and thought, they are so worthless. They're doing nothing. And then I thought, if only Trump would just grab them by the pussy

and then hold them up and use them as human shields. I thought if only Trump would just grab them by the pussy and then hold them up and use them as human shields. They could have looked so cool. They could have shown us their girl power. But don't think that the government is feeling bad and is gonna back down on going after Trump and the people who support him. They're still going after P. Diddy hard. You know, they rated his house

for being at the Capitol on January 6th. They did. They said that he was calling for an insurrection, going in and out of congressional offices. I was there. They're wrong. He was going in and out of congressional offices saying, insert erection. He was framed.

The return of Karen Jones, ladies and gentlemen. One of the wildest women in the history of the show famously stormed the Capitol. She did indeed. Actually, we've talked. She's been on multiple times before. She ended up, by her appearance on Killtony, talking about storming the Capitol.

Her local government came after her. Right, yes, allegedly. On video and proven over and over again. Her local government came after her because of the Killtony episode. So you actually sacrificed some stuff, sharing your story on the show. And, you know, what I love about this show is there's always different shapes and sizes of people.

Karen Jones, clearly the type of lady that Jack Shaw would jerk off to. That's what I was thinking listening. I thought, oh, no, he likes older women. He's gonna jerk off to me. It makes me very uncomfortable. Yeah, I was kidding. No one's jerking off to you, Karen. No one in the world's jerking off to me. It makes me very uncomfortable. Yeah, I was kidding. No one's jerking off to you, Karen.

No one in the world's jerking off to you. And once again, just to be clear, I was being arrested, and I was trying to come on the show because people that watch your show don't have a political bias, for the most part, and I wanted to tell them some things. Red Man fact-checked me on my first deal when I wanted to tell them some things. Redman fact-checked me on my first deal when I said no policemen were killed. So this

was a way for me to A get some truth out and B get a new career as a stand-up comedian. It's a pretty fun thing to do. Jordan. It's a very unique crossover that you have happening there. You Americans are really quite deranged. We are. No, seriously, seriously. That scares me coming from a psychologist. I mean, people call me crazy, but when you say it, it seems clinical.

You have your upside, I would say. A fair bit of courage. But anyway, yeah, it's been wild and I've really been having to thread a needle here because my husband and I pled guilty on the day Trump was convicted. You and Trump were both found guilty on the same day? Yes and that's like my family thinks that's wild I just thought it was just another kind of crazy coincidence of the last 66 years. This bitch is nuts. Yeah.

I am not nuts. I can count backward by seven. Try that, Joe Biden. Ha ha ha ha ha. Amazing. But, Karen, you are definitely very political, one of the more political people in the history of the show here. So tell us, what do you think about Kamala Harris being the supposed new Democratic candidate for the United States of America?

Well, remember, I'm from California, so I was there as she first penetrated politics, or was penetrated, I should say. Willie Brown was our Speaker of the House, and she's very good at knowing who to sleep with. She is excellent, and that's a certain kind of smart, but she is, it is! She has screwed her way into maybe the presidency,

and hats off. You know? Ha ha ha. Wow, she's amazing. What a patriot, what a strong patriot you are. Ha ha ha. Now she's a great storm the Capitol, right? Look at that.

And I didn't storm, I walked in and I'm really a rule abiding person. Before we went to the Capitol, we were at the back, the blue rallies every Saturday in front of the vet hall. You know, we're squares. So a lot more is gonna come out. The truth will be known someday.

Like what? What kind of truth? Tell us more. Well, this is where it gets tricky because I had to swear under penalty of perjury that I knowingly entered the Capitol illegally because it's against the law to air your grievances at the Capitol apparently. And I now know that. I didn't know that at the time.

But apparently you can't go to a permitted event at a a Capitol at a public building to air your grievances. But I do understand that now. But as part of the plea deal, I also had to say that I knew Mike Pence was in the building. Yeah, I could care less about that guy. I went in at 3.02, and according to news reports, you know, they had all, like like went out a tunnel or something. But I just went in to show my husband the rotunda.

He had really never been in the Capitol before. You were just given a little tour. I was, we were tourists. And I have been so many times, I've been there a few times, including as a chaperone. I'm a very popular chaperone with my kids, of other parents. And my husband was just such an eager beaver.

He was like, seeing all the other tourists come out, was so happy. I said, do you want to go in, honey? And he's like, yeah. And we went in there, and then next thing you know, we were trapped, gassed, hit, all this stuff. But me rioting is this. What is going on? It is. I didn't want to be hurt. Making Karens great again. That's what we're doing.

Karens. How did you get so tough? Oh, that's actually a good question. No, it is. I bet your husband was trying to have you killed that day. No, my husband's a sweetie pie. We are opposites. He grew up on a flower ranch.

I grew up on an oil field. I had a tough upbringing, a lot of violence. I was sexually molested by a relative. Sexually molested? Yes. And when I told, they said I was a liar. And then 10 years later, the guy gets arrested for molesting the whole dang neighborhood

and goes to jail. I'm like, I told you, I told you. And they're like, you didn't tell us. Nobody would molest somebody this chatty. I'd say that. Well, that's what they thought. That's why they didn't believe me. Did he really try to molest you or was he just trying to find your rotunda?

No. If I told you about the molestation, it would like it, it involved comedy. He pinned me in a corner, stuck his hand down my pants, and started using words I had never heard before because this is like 1960s. Like, shut up. No, I heard shut up a lot. No, he was telling me a thing called the Johnny fucker faster joke. And I'm like, this is creepy.

I do not like my grandma's new husband. And so anyway, I squirmed away and walked in, asked, and told. Oh, I think he squirted away. Never let us call and just ask a question. Oh yeah. This is wild. Karen, you're always such an amazing interview. I didn't get to the tough part yet though. Oh, okay. let's go. So then I find myself,

what would now be called a gang sexual assault, but back when it happened to me, it was called getting drunk in the wrong place. And I was pregnant, 15, and had my first child in the Salvation Army. So my- Wait, wait, wait. When you say you had a child in the South Asian Army,

what exactly does that mean? That means I was living in the... In that outfit, in the Salvation Army. No, I just... Salvation Army. Yeah, Salvation Army, and we had officers that worked there. I lived in a group home, a Booth Memorial home,

run by the Salvation Army in Oakland, California. I got my GED. I went to school. I got my shit together, met the greatest guy, got married, had two more kids, blah, blah, California. I got my GED. I went to school. I got my shit together, met the greatest guy, got married, had two more kids, blah, blah, blah. You know, my life is wonderful. Everything that's ever happened in my life has made me a better person.

I'm optimistic. I love my life. Isn't that the real American way? Karen, you did it again. You already have a big jokebook. I do. I treasure it. Thank you. Absolutely. Forever. How exciting to get to see Jordan Peterson

on the nightstand next to my bed. Twelve rules for life. I go over it with my grandchildren that I'm helping. Great. You're a wonderful man. This is great. You're all great. I love you all. You're a wonderful man. This is great. You're all great. I love you all. I love you all. Karen Jones everybody.

Bye bye. Isn't that special? Isn't that fun? Well, hello, my little friends. This podcast is sponsored by Game Time. Guys, live events are my life. I love concerts, sporting events, theater, you name it, performing in arenas.

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Terms apply. Again, create an account, redeem code KILTONY for $20 off. That's why. Download Game Time today on last-minute tickets, lowest price, guaranteed. What's it like to trade crypto on Kraken? Let's say I'm in a state-of-the-art gym surrounded by powerful-looking machines. Lowest price, guaranteed. support and multi-layered security. Go to Kraken.com and see what crypto can be. Not investment advice. Crypto trading involves risk of loss. See Kraken.com slash legal slash ca-pru dash disclaimer for info on Kraken's undertaking to registering Canada. All right. I pulled another name out of the bucket. 60 seconds uninterrupted going to David Donick everybody. We're gonna meet David all together. Here we go. We're gonna meet David all together. Here we go.

-♪ David Donnick, nice to meet you all, man. I'm a teacher right now. It's a good time. I hate these bitch-ass kids, so let's dial it back. I taught a senior seminar class this year where we help kids figure out where they want to go when they graduate. I'm teaching one day. A girl has a question.

I go over to her. She's like, I have a question, and I'm like, what's up, big pimp? I don't remember their names all the time. I go up to her and she's like, Mr. Dyke, I'm trying to go to a music school. Any suggestions? Yes, my girlfriend went to a music school.

She studied classical saxophone. You could go here or here. As soon as I said my girlfriend, her and all the other kids at the table just squinted their eyes and tilted their heads at me. I was like, what the fuck are we looking at right now, team? Finally, one kid broke, and he goes, ah, I'm sorry, Mr. Donnick.

We thought she ass was gay this whole time. I walk away out of the corner of my eye. One kid just slides another kid a $5 bill at the table. I was like, dude, betting on my sexuality is a lot like betting on the Texans right now, because it's a risk, but I'll cover the spread. Okay. So you're not gay. You're not gay. You are gay. Not gay. Not gay. Thank you.

Okay. Don't worry. I deal with the same problem all the time. I love it. You owe me five bucks. David, welcome to the show. How long have you been on stand up? Thank you. It was nice to meet you all.

I've been doing it for about five years. Five years. Where at? Chicago. Chicago, Illinois. And what brings you to Austin, Texas? Professional development for work. What is Texas? Professional development for work. So what is it?

Professional development for work. What does that mean exactly? I sit in a room with a bunch of teachers and they just be yapping and I'm on my phone. It's really what it is. Wow. That's why our schools are fun. We are learning how to be a better international baccalaureate school. So basically how to kind of align everything

in what we teach and how we teach it. And why aren't the courses any good? A lot of teacher turnover. People don't want to work. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. It's all right. They're on their phones.

Yeah. Yeah, exactly. Teacher turnover. All right. Storing that up for a little fantasy later? Yeah. Yeah. Psst.

Psst. Psst. Psst. Psst. Psst. Psst. I mean, you know what I jerk off to. So David, Chicago, do one teacher.

What exactly are you teaching? I teach English. English. High school. High school English. OK. Is it in Chicago? Is it the South Side? It is. Yeah, it is the South Side. So that High school. High school English. Okay. Is it in Chicago, is it the South Side?

It is. Yeah, it is the South Side. So that's a tough subject to teach. It's a fun time. Yeah, Shakespeare is hard to teach, but we make it work, you know? Right. So it's mostly black students? That's not, we have like one M&M, but you know, we don't talk about it until the album drops.

That's the candy they all split. Yeah. He sells me the candy, man. It's good. Actually, we have a lot of Venezuelan migrants now, too. Because thanks to Abbott, or what's his name here? I don't know. The governor. Yeah, we send some buses up there, huh? Yeah, it really pushes the boundaries of my basic white guy Spanish. Right. So what's it like dealing with these types of kids? Ah, brother.

No, they're good kids. I actually, I'm very humbled. I won coolest teacher of the year this year at the end of the year. Whoa. It was dope. I know, thank you, man. I won because-

Can't imagine how uncool the other teachers are. They're perfect. Well, I only won because I joined every gang in the building. So I'm now a King Crip disciple. Amazing. What else do you do with your life, David? Stand up. I Uber. Ubering is pretty not fun. I don't know.

Your Ubers are weird here, man. They don't talk as much as they do in Chicago. They don't speak English. No, yeah. It's weird. But yeah, I Uber. I teach, I do comedy, play a lot of video games. Been playing Fortnite recently. That's a time suck.

Ugh, I'm so bad. Do you play video games? No, but good question. Uh... I don't know, you could have had a crazy system set up, you know? No, I don't let myself play video games, but my friends did buy me a Mario Kart set up

for my 40th birthday, because I do love playing Mario Kart. How come you don't let yourself play video games? Because I would just end up being mediocre at comedy if I did. Thank you. I would play them all the time. And I would never professionally develop. Yeah, you know.

I'd be the equivalent of being on your phone when you could be developing. You're an inspiration, Tony. Professionally. Thank you. David, give us a tidbit about your life that we would find surprising. Something that makes you different than everybody else.

Something that makes me different? I'm a little bit of the breadwinner in my family. My dad passed away when I was 12, Brad, I know. How did he pass away? Yeah, he had a sudden heart attack, yeah. He saw his act. Yeah, he did. He was funnier than me and he was like, I can't be in this world.

Yeah, he passed away so I take care of my mom, my younger brother. Wow, amazing. So you're supporting everybody. Have to. That's why you're Ubering, teaching, and doing stand stand-up and playing video games. Gotta fit it in there, you know? You pick four jobs that pay the equivalent of half a job. It is incredible. Yeah, yeah.

The four lowest paying jobs imaginable. Amazing. What's your love life like, David? You have a girlfriend? I do, yes. Love her very much. Been together for two years now. Nice. What does she do? She is also a teacher. She teaches middle school music.

She teaches kids how to, you know, I don't know. Play music. Basically, yeah. She's a really talented saxophonist too, so. Really talented what? Saxophone. Oh, that is not what I meant. Sex goddess.

That's what I talked to. It was almost exciting there. My bad. Sorry team. So why stand up? Why stand up? I did performance for a long time. Part of the way I kind of dealt with my dad dying

in high school, I did speech and debate. That was a really cool outlet. I had a lot of male teachers who were kind of there for me. Maybe I was groomed, I don't know. But they kind of put me in the performance direction, which was cool, so I like it. I like making people laugh. When you go down on your girlfriend,

does she make you put a reed in her pussy? She does, she does, yeah. That's my special move. That's the finisher, actually. Amazing. Do you have any special moves in the bedroom? Get there and hope. That's really it. A lot of guys here. You look like you play EDM music

while you fuck. EDM, whoa. I don't know, maybe on Christmas I would, but... When he's talking to the clit, Where are you? I'm so lonely I cannot dream, I cannot sleep tonight David, congratulations. You made it on Kill Tony.

Here's a little joke book. We'll see you next time. Come back again. Thank you. Appreciate it. David Donick, ladies and gentlemen. We've made it to another one of our regulars, everybody. The Boy is a fucking sensation, an absolute superstar, doing it, living the American dream. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for the one and only

Cam Patterson, everybody. -♪ -♪ -♪ I-I like immigrants. Uh, y'all see how fast our claps changed? Y'all didn't like that at all. Don't say that, Cam, that's fucked.

I like them. I like them a lot. I like them. If you leave your country to come here for a better life, I think that's cool. It don't bother me. It don't really bother me at all. I don't even care if you don't speak English. Real shit. You know, it doesn't bother me until it does. Now, I was, uh...

I was in Walmart a couple days ago, and I was looking for candles. I seen a lady working at Walmart, and I said, how you doing, ma'am? I would like to find these candles. And she went, me no speak no English. That's how I do the accent. Fuck y'all, right? Me no speak English. And I said, oh, that's okay. And then she went, uh, saying it into my phone.

Now, y'all don't know what the fuck I'm saying right now, anyway. So, you know, Siri has no idea what the fuck I say anytime. So I went, candles, and the phone went, what? And I went, candles, and the phone went, what, nigga? So she took the phone back and was like, just spell it. And then I just went, fuck, God damn it! How do we get here? I mean, can't think out so much.

Bing, bong. You've done it again. Absolutely electric from the very beginning and all the way through. Energetic, smiling, contagious laughter, keeping the momentum throughout your entire 60 second set set somehow you managed to do it every single week I was fun. Yeah, I like to that one. I would cool. I would cool for yeah We just had your old teacher on a second

He taught you well you speak good English I do speak great and I'll be really good English not good enough for Siri to know what you're saying, but good enough to get by. Most people don't get what I've been saying this whole time. It's perfect. All they hear, router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router router How did you know that was my next question? Is it like a clip-don or something? It's like a black man's yarmulke, man. How do you get that thing on there? Black Ben Shapiro. On magic, niggas, on magic.

On magic as fuck, dog. That is truly magic. What's up, therapist nigga, you good? Hell yeah. Good to meet you, soldier. Locked in. I am wondering about the hat, yeah. Good to meet you, soldier. Locked in. That's all. I am wondering about the hat though. It is amazing. It is a work of art. This is a new thing, the hat hanging off the back of the head.

Nah, I've been doing this. Well, my hair growing and shit, so I'm just, you know what I'm saying? Just growing around it. I go to sleep with it on. Yeah, real shit. Sleep. Get a good night's sleep.

I be sleeping real good. Yeah, go ahead. Well, I think Kamala Harris would make you VP because you're the only person I can understand less than her when you talk, man. For real, she don't speak good? She doesn't speak English, no. For real?

I ain't never heard her speak for folk. I don't pay too much attention to politics. Recently, the Trump shit did good, and then Donald Trump Jr. reposted me on Instagram, and my mama called me and said, do not vote for that nigga! Yeah. She called a meeting. Do not do it!

Right. Now you're going to. I don't have my ballot, brother. My ballot? It's at her house. going to. I don't have my ballot brother. I love it. Cam were you on the road this weekend? Yeah I was in Nashville. Okay. It was fucking great. I love Nashville. That's why I had none of the shit on it. I use the shit on every city I go to. Nashville is pretty fucking dope. No doubt about it. One of my favorite cities. I like it a lot.

Yeah, yeah. Absolutely. Wait, we went there together, right? Yeah, yeah, the rhyming and shit. We had a crazy night. Yeah, so much fun. That shit was fun. Have you done the rhyming, Jordan?

Yeah. Yeah, amazing. Perfectly built venue. It's one of the oldest American treasures. It's fucking beautiful. Acoustically perfect. Built kind of like a church around. It's perfect.

Yeah. The audience sang me, happy birthday there. Oh my goodness. Yeah, of like a church around. It's perfect. Yeah. The audience sang me happy birthday there. Oh my goodness. Yeah, that was a good deal. And it was like my birthday and everything. So. Hey. His voice kind of scares me a little bit.

It has that effect on a lot of people. I don't know why it terrifies me. It seemed like a horror movie voice. That's terrifying. It seems like a horror movie, boys. That's terrifying. It's, like, too soothing. That's not cool, man. Too soothing. Strange. I love it.

Cam, what else is going on? Man, I just bought a new car today. Whoa. Yeah. Oh, my goodness. Hell, yeah. What did you say? Who understood what that was?

I got a new car. Oh, congrats. What kind of car did you get? A brand new 2003 Acura. 2003? Ah! Wow. Ah!

It's got an actual key and everything. Real shit, my last vehicle was a bike, so I'm happy. I'm having a good time. But he learned from that autistic comic how to drive, so heads up. I didn't see that nigga, but okay. Amazing. A 2003. What made you go so, you're doing so well. You are selling out everywhere. You're adding shows, you're hitting bonuses. You're wildly successful.

You have a great manager, great agent. You're part of a promotional machine. You're a theater act. You're selling out comedy clubs. You're far ahead of the curve. What made you go with a 2003? By the way, if you didn't notice, he started to say 20 when he was mentioning

the year, but you can't say 2003. So he had to go back 20, it's a 20, it's a 2003. What made you go 2003 Acura? Only one with the windows down. Huh? You said what? It was the only one with the windows down. I don't steal cars no money.

I'm doing great. You can hit Tony. It's hard to make fun of a black guy when you have resting January 6th face. I'm trying. Nah, it was, I mean I'm never really hooked and I want some shit to ride around and plus like if I get that bitch scratched up or something, it's already fucked up already. I don't care. You know what I'm saying?

How much was it though? $4,000. Oh my God. Oh shit. You got nothing to lose. Huh? You got nothing to lose. Nothing to lose.

I can blow that bitch up right now. He'll be happy. Yeah. I'm cool, man. Wow. That's incredible. Amazing stuff. Hell yeah.

When did you find out you were funny? Uh, I don't know. I was small. I was young. I used to bite people all the time. People would laugh. Bite? Yeah, yeah. I wasn't even talking. I was just biting the shit out of my cousin. They're like, that nigga retarded.

He better find something quick. Do you have an Audi belly button? No, I got any. I want one of those. I'm not that bad, all right? Kids that bite, they have Audis. Niggas don't make out the hood with Audi belly buttons, all right? Them niggas steal them, brother. That nigga with the Audi belly button,

that nigga is in prison, brother. It's not an Audi. it's an Acura 2003. Cam, you did it again. Somehow you do it every week. I think it's one of the most interesting things to see in all of stand-up comedy. No other show do you get to watch somebody's growth or their fucking sustainability other than Kill Tony,

and you are just a perfect specimen every week. You're doing it with energy, with writing, performing. Cam Patterson, ladies and gentlemen. We found him out of the bucket. Just like we're about to do right now. Anything can happen. This is a brand new minute. We're gonna meet him all together. Make some noise for Brandon Ferris, everyone.

Brandon Ferris. Clearly, I'm going through a midlife crisis. Because I matched everything purple. I recently shaved my beard because I got tired of being called Fred Durst on a steady diet of hot dog water. Now I look like a Nickelodeon producer. Yeah.

Uh, I shaved it, and now I have a mustache, so every time I go near a park, I get reported on, like, the Facebook neighborhood page. It's okay. I'm with my kids. I'm a dad. Hopefully, it's believable. Um, if you have multiple kids, it's kind of like having a backup plan in case one of them's dumb. Give you an example.

Uh, we asked my oldest what the capital of Texas was. She goes, Dallas. Whoo-hoo! Dumb. Give me an example. We asked my oldest what the capital of Texas was. She goes, Dallas. Whoo-hoo! Dumb. So then we asked my youngest, she's seven, and go, hey, Michaela, what's the capital of Texas? She goes, T.

Whoo-hoo! It's actually pretty smart, and those who don't get it, you're the dumb one in your family. Hate to point out to you. Thank you. My name's Brandon Farris. Brandon Farris, welcome to the show, Brandon. How long you been doing stand-up? This month is a year.

A year? And today's my birthday, and... Happy birthday! Amazing, unbelievable. I'm just a big fan of the show, and just, I envisioned this today, I told my friend I'm gonna be on today, and... Wait, are you really crying?

Oh my God, you're adorable. I thought you were kidding for a second. Aw, this is so sweet. Yeah, give him a hug, give him a hug. Oh my goodness, this is the most adorable thing. Face that way, Brandon. Let him see you. This is amazing, somehow this turned into a Jelly Roll acceptance speech.

This is unbelievable. Wow. Why does it mean so much to you? Why does it mean so much to you? I lost my dad to Alzheimer's a couple years ago. Wow. Amazing. Yes, please keep that violin going. Amazing. Yes, please keep that violin going.

Amazing. And tell us what else, why else is this important to you? You lost your dad to Alzheimer's. I just really love comedy and I've been afraid to do it. And I've been at it for a year. This month, it actually marks a year. On the 31st. And I was a fan of the show. I saw you at the Vulcan doing a thing with Friends of Rogan. And that was the first time I saw you. And I was like, I am stupid for not watching you sooner.

Right. But man, and then Kim and this is a lot of you guys. Tyler. The guy that looks like Zach Galifianakis, fuck Macaulay Culkin, whoever he is. We could be like a Chris Farley, David Spade. We can team up. Yeah.

Damn it, Tyler. It's terrible when you have to like someone so much. And then shit on them, yeah. You're so likable, Brandon. It is incredible. You came up for only a year of experience, the midlife crisis thing from the beginning, self-deprecation, to get laughs instead of coming out and trying to be cool or anything like that.

Like you just, you kind of get it already it seems. Where have you been doing this year of standup comedy? Just all in the Austin area. This is where you live? Yeah. I love it. Where are you originally from? California, unfortunately.

California, what part? Fresno. Oh, that is unfortunate. Indeed. And when did you move to Austin? Once I knew Kevin Federline set the bar for fame, so I was like, I got a shot. Wait, what?

No, sorry. Kevin, that was terrible. Kevin Federline moved? No, Kevin Federline is like the most famous person that people know from Fresno, unfortunately. Nobody knows that. Exactly. In the world. You just made that famous.

You're like crap. Right now. Sorry about that. Amazing. You're more like Federman, the politician. You look like Barney in Human Face. It's true. And I love you. And you love me.

And we're a happy family. I thought George W. Bush got fat for a second. George W. Tush over here, am I right? So Brandon, what do you do for a living? I work at Apple. Apple? The company? Wow. Not anymore probably.

No. Yeah, it seems like it. I would have guessed, yeah. So what do you do at Apple? I actually can't talk about it unfortunately. That makes sense. He watches you. Yeah.

So the new program we rolled out, sorry, the new beta, the AI part. Amazing. No. What do you do for fun in Austin, Texas? Tell us about it. I have my kids, part. Amazing. No. What do you do for fun in Austin, Texas? Tell us about it. I have my kids, they're busy with that. The movie stuff usually.

How many kids? Two. How old are they? 10 and seven. 10 and seven. Yeah, she, she, my oldest has actually done comedy too, which is kind of cool. So from this.

Really, has she done it? Yeah. Like open mic? She, she, I brought her to Sixth Street like a good dad should. But. And she did a mic that was like right over here and wrote her own jokes and roasted me. So she's gonna be a roast comic like you, unfortunately.

That's adorable. A 10 year old girl. That's fantastic. You gotta teach him young. Amazing. And, uh, fuck, what the fuck was I just gonna ask you? It was good, too. Shit. Hell yeah. Great.

Other than... Oh, yes. Are you still with the baby mama? Yeah, yeah. My wife and I, we've been married for 14 years. Lovely. What does she do? She works at a bank.

She works at a bank. Just a boring family for 14 years. Lovely. What does she do? She works at a bank. She works at a bank? Just a boring family, unfortunately. I'm sorry. No, it's fine. But yeah.

Y'all got money. Try to. Was your dad a funny guy? I mean, not at the end, obviously. No. Well, that's when it gets funny, actually. Look at Biden, man. It gets funny. Yeah, it gets funny. Yeah.

So we'd go to like Applebee's and play a game called the penis game. We're not Catholic, not like that. But it was. He would. You just like see who yells penis a lot of stuff like that. Wait, what? Don't don't. Penis game. No. Oh, you go to Applebee's and. Wait, what? Don't, don't, don't. Penis game. Can you do that? No. No, you go to Applebee's and we'll do what?

He'd yell penis and just to embarrass us, he would just try and yell it loudest. So it's like someone just would start it and it gets progressively louder while you're in like a Applebee's preferably. Wow. Wow. And how long ago did he pass away?

How long did he go to the great Applebee's upstairs? Three... I'm watching Jordan under... Notice how dark my sense of humor is all at once here. I'm thinking about moving to a different chair. Ha ha ha! My dad's here in spirit. He loves it. Jordan's rethinking his free speech stance altogether right now.

Was that hard though? I mean Alzheimer's is a terrible, terrible... Yeah, it sucks because you lose them before they're gone. And I've been able to, I did like a charity show last month on the longest day, which is June 20th every year. So I was able to put on a comedy show for the first time and had some people that work here on the show. It was really fun. It was a good time to raise awareness and just have a night to celebrate terrible disease. Yeah. Oh yeah. Awesome. Never forget. That's what I always do.

I mean, if we forget about Alzheimer's, imagine. Um... Who? What am I doing here again? No. Right. Brandon, uh, you're only a year in. I-I just love your likable fucking energy. Here's a big joke book, buddy. You fucking did it. A true Kill Tony debut for Brandon Farris, everyone.

Sign up. Let's see another minute soon, Brandon. There he goes. Brandon Ferris. Hey, I'm Roy. And I'm Maul. And we're the hosts of the new Rory and Maul podcast. That's right. I know you're probably listening to a podcast that you actually like right now, and we just interrupted it with an ad. That's all right. We're here. And I appreciate if you didn't hit the 15 second skip button.

Listen to our show where we cover topics like music, movies, TV shows, which we love to binge watch. Of course, just lifestyle stuff. And give off crazy stories about our day to day lives. Check us out on the new Rory Mall podcast, listen to wherever you get your podcast, and let us know how you're feeling about our show. And once you're done listening to this podcast

that you actually liked, maybe you could check us out. We're gonna keep it moving along. You guys still having fun out there? All right, make some noise for your next comedian, Luke Everett, everyone. Here we go, Luke Everett with 60 seconds. Make some noise for Luke, everybody, come on. Oh, thank you, thank you. I appreciate it.

Guys, I, uh, have been dating. I actually went on a date with a virgin, which is crazy. I didn't know whether I should try to have sex with her or sacrifice her. But I knew I was gonna have blood on my hands either way. She actually gave me a nice compliment. She said that I had a nice penis, and she followed that up with, you have a nice penis,

but it's not the biggest penis I've ever seen. And I'm all about reciprocity, so I gave her a compliment right back. I was like, you have a very nice vagina. In fact, it's the biggest vagina I've ever seen. It's really big. I was nervous the first time we had sex, because I thought it was gonna fall in

into some type of bizarro world where I have a huge cock and you're not a bitch. It's really big. I was nervous the first time we had sex because I thought it was gonna fall in into some type of bizarre world where I have a huge cock and you're not a bitch. Now I hate when you're dating a girl and she brings up how badly her ex-boyfriend treated her. That really pisses me off because I'm like, I could have been treating you like shit this entire time. I let you meet my mom.

My ex-girlfriend made me quit. Is that my time? I'm not gonna let you like shit this entire time. I'll let you meet my mom. My ex-girlfriend made me quit. Is that my time? All right, guys, that's my time. Thank you. I appreciate it. What the hell was that? Have you ever seen the show before? Have you?

Briefly. So, I mean, but you kind of know how it works? That was an interesting thing. Again, you very, very well said the cat noises. It was like... What? What does this work? It was the alarm cat. Yeah, it's very, very interesting, your reaction there.

You want to finish the joke? Yeah, I was going to say my ex-girlfriend made me quit drinking. She said it made me too honest. She would always ask me, does this dress make me look fat? I'd be like, no, but I do hate your mother. So we are on a permanent break now.

That was your time. Yeah. Luke, how long you been on stand-up? Four years. Where at? Chicago. Oh, wow. A lot of Chicagoans coming to a real place.

What do you do for work? I work in finance. Oh, God. So boring, these jobs today. What do you do for work? I work in finance. Oh, God. So boring, these jobs today. What do you do exactly in finance? Basically just a low-level associate, push paper, get deals to the finish line, that type of thing.

Oh, God. You're so white. Yeah. Thank you. It's incredible. Surprisingly, out of all the bucket pulls, this is not the one that stormed the Capitol. Amazing. Luke, what...

Yeah. Looks like you're understudying for Tucker Carlson. Yeah. What do you do for fun, Luke? What are you into? I like to go out on the weekends. I try to stay fit. When you say go out on the weekends, what exactly do you mean?

What types of things do you do? Go to bars, have a good time, check out the city. What do you do at the bars? Get drunk. Yeah. What do you do? Go to bars, have a good time, check out the city. What do you do at the bars? Get drunk. Yeah, what do you like to drink? I've been drinking a lot of beer lately, but I used to be more of like a martini man back in Chicago. A martini man?

Yeah. Okay, all right. I'm teeny. Hey, Dr. Peterson. How are you doing? I'm doing well. I'm sitting here thinking, just how much can you drink? A lot. How much? Come on, tell me.

I'll compare it to Northern Albertan standards. Like, how many double martinis? I probably could put away six. Wow. I could do that when I was 14. What's the craziest thing you've ever done? I've never done anything like that. I could do that when I was 14. Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha.

What's the craziest thing you've ever done after a night of pounding martinis in Chicago? What's like a wild night in the eyes of Luke Everett? I was in a fraternity. I went to a conference once and after a night of tequila, it wasn't martinis, but

it was tequila. I woke up in a bush in Lincoln Park. Wow. Oh, what a good thing. That's amazing. It was next to a dumpster where he just fingered a girl. What? Is that joke true that you went out with a virgin? Was that a made-up premise or...?

No, I have had sex with two virgins. Wow, that's just creepy. Where are you finding these virgins at? Did they know it was happening? Oh! Oh! Whoo! Of course.

That's why they had a bush. That's why they woke up in a bush. Yeah. They probably think they were having sex with a virgin too. In one occasion, yes. Uh-huh. Okay, you have a girlfriend now? I do.

Where'd you meet her? Chicago. Actually on a trip out here. We were looking for places to live. You said two places at once just then. Well we met out here, brought our love back to Chicago. She lived in Chicago, and you met her out here? Yeah, we met on a trip out here. How did you meet out here?

Well, she is the sister of my buddy's girlfriend, and him and I were coming out here. His girlfriend came out, she came out, too. We met. Wow. When are you gonna come out? Yeah. Why don't you gonna come out? Yeah. Why don't you just cut out the middleman

and start fucking your buddy? That's what it sounds like. Seems like this is where this is going. Luke, what's something that would surprise us about your life? You seem like a very, very, very white guy, as Kim said. What do you think's the most black thing about you? Like in an African American sense or like dark? Let's go African American sense.

We could go both. Yeah, let's do both. He looks like he says the N word more than Cam Patterson. Only on Fridays, only on Fridays. I'm kidding, I'm kidding, I'm Dan Patterson. Ha ha ha. Pfft. Only on Fridays, only on Fridays. I'm kidding, I'm kidding, I'm kidding. What's the most African American thing about you, Luke? Um, I have a decent size penis. Wow!

That's amazing. Terrible for a guy that loves fucking virgins, but good for you. Pushing deals across the line. Uh, okay, what's the most Asian thing about you, Luke? My math skills. Oh, absolutely, incredibly racist. Do you measure your dick in millimeters?

Is that why it's so big? The European system. 200 millimeters. Do you measure your dick in millimeters? Is that why it's so painful? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha What about your parents? My parents are doctors. Ooh, what kind of doctors? Psychologists and a physicist. Wow. There it is. Amazing. Are they proud of you? No. No?

How about when they see that sweet cock swing in our room? in our... All right. Well, Luke, congratulations. You got pulled out of the bucket. Fun times. When you go back to Chicago. I live here. Oh, you live here.

Congratulations. Here's a little joke book. Thank you. Thanks, guys. Appreciate it. There goes Luke Gavrid, everybody. All right. We're getting there. This goes Luke Everett everybody. Now.

All right. We're getting there. This looks like a fun name. Looks like a new name. Make some noise for Frank. Tran the Costa. Tran the Costa. How you guys doing?

Yeah. Cool. I just like asking that question, you know, like, how you doing? Because most people will answer and they'll be like, I'm doing good, man. How are you? And I get to tell them, like, I'm doing great. So they like, no, I'm a better person than them. Right? I'm not. I'm just, I'm not a better person. I'm just Asian. My mom's from Korea. She was adopted here when she was a baby. She was adopted because she was abandoned. She was abandoned because she sucks. Yeah.

I don't know what you know about Asians. We don't waste time on babies that suck or anything. We just throw them away or turn them into soup or something. I don't know. People ask me all the time, too. They're like, are you North Korean or South Korean? I'm like, you know how you know I'm South Korean? I look like I just ate three North Koreans, man.

Packin' heat. All right, thank you. That's why. Woo! Okay, there you go. 50 seconds from Frank Trinacosta. Thank you, sir. Hell yeah, Jordan, what do you think about this guy?

I think he dresses from the shop in my hometown in northern Alberta. Thank you. It is. What ethnicity are you? I cannot wrap my head around it. So it's Korean. South Korean. South Korean, yeah.

And then my dad was Sicilian. Sicilian. I think he's Mexican with a concussion. Yeah. That's what it seems like. Do you eat spaghetti with chopsticks? No, no. Mexican with a concussion. That's what it seems like. Do you eat spaghetti with chopsticks? No, no, I just.

Yes, totally. You said your dad was Sicilian. Yeah, he was a junkie, so he's sober now. He's gone. OK, he's sober and gone. Yeah. Four years. Yeah. Four years what? Sober and gone. Okay. He's sober and gone. Yeah Four years. Yeah, four years. What? sober and gone Sober and gone. Yes, sir. So was he a better father when he was on drugs? He was a cooler dad for sure

He was very cool. He was in your laid-back on drugs and then he got sober. He's like I gotta get my shit together Get away from this son of mine. Now he was never not on drugs. He actually was the first person to give me heroin. So that was pretty, he told me it was coke in his defense. Oh, hell no. Sorry. Don't want to misrepresent the guy. Are you taking clients, Jordan?

All the time. How old were you when he gave you heroin? I was 19. Wow. Yes sir. And you said you heroin? I was 19. Wow. Yes, sir. And you said that you thought it was coke. How old were you when he was giving you cocaine? He never gave me cocaine.

He just gave me heroin. Did he know that it was heroin and told you it was cocaine? Oh, yeah, that man. Why do you think he would catfish you like that? He was just so good at disappointing everybody, including me. So he was like, you want to feel great and I felt thank you. How did you feel? I was throwing up but I felt amazing. Right for how long? Like 30 so like if you can do heroin and not ruin your life it's awesome try it

it's pretty great. Sorry. Did you do it Did you do it? You just did it once? I did it for like a few weeks on and off and then I got off the street and you know picked myself up on my brooked straps Jordan. Got off them drugs. Now it's just boring. I don't do heroin anymore. No, no, I understand. Why'd you stop? You said it was great. Why'd you stop? Because it's not worth, you know, living in a van and losing everything else to

feel good for, you know, 30 minutes. Yes! Yes! Definitely. Why stand-up? I love stand-up. I grew up in a household where it was very clear that comedy and humor were like really accepted and celebrated. Well, heroin was accepted. Yeah, that too. So it was like heroin or comedy. Open the door a little. I figured this probably has a little bit more longevity.

Can you imagine them shooting up and like, no, Louis C.K. Psst. Put on Hannah Gatsby. What do you do for a living? Right now I work at Chili's on 45th and Lamar. Wow! Look at that. Very specific. What exactly are you doing at the Chili's? I'm a server. I'm a server there, so I just run people their food.

How long you been doing that? Since I moved here in February. Wow. Do you charm your customers? No, it's hard to do that looking like me. I look like Gangnam Style got out of prison, so I don't try or anything. Okay, and what's your love life like?

I mean, not fantastic now. When you say now, what does that mean, that it once was? Yeah, I had a girlfriend before I moved here, and now I don't. What happened with her? I lived in Illinois at the time. And she was from San Francisco. People tonight. And she wanted to move or San Diego.

She wanted to move back home. So we split up. Wow. When's the last time you talked to her? Like last year. And that's when you broke up. Yeah. Let's call her. No, that's OK. We don't have to do that. Every black strippers are fun. Why'd you move to Austin?

Because I love comedy. I just wanted to be around it, be somewhere. Because I'm from Peoria, so there's nothing. So, like, maybe Jukebox, but there's not a lot of... I think Peoria's famous for nothing, isn't it? Yeah. It is famous for great stand-up comedians. Richard Pryor, Kennison. Yeah. Yeah. Richard Pryor, Kennison. Yeah.

Yeah, Richard Pryor, same Kennison. Not you. Not me. So Frank, what are some goals? What are you looking forward to here? I wanna be able to someday at least live off of doing what I love. So I'll be serving tables for a while, but.

You making good money in Chili's? Yeah, sure. Not crazy while, but I'll keep working on it. You making good money in chilis? Yeah, sure. Not crazy amounts, but I'm getting by. All right. What's the crazy thing? How do you work on your comedy? What do you do to like? I try to dedicate time every day to writing.

How much time? At least like 10, 20 minutes. Even if I can't do that, I'll try and jot something down. If I can't, I at least go over old material and find stuff that I can work on at least. Think you're dedicated enough or should you do more than that? You know what, probably not enough.

I work at Chili's, I should quit my job. Well, not necessarily. But. I'm not that far. I mean, there's a lot of greats that worked at Chili's and focused on their dreams for 10 to 20 minutes a day. I believe that's how Kobe got so good at basketball at one point. They talk about that 10 to 20 minutes a day.

Frank, have you ever performed other things on a stage? You a performer at all? Yeah. I was a musical theater major the first time I went to school and then I had done theater throughout high school. I do a lot of music. Anything that we would recognize? Like any plays that are famous or anything?

The last musical I got a part in was School of Rock but I ended up dropping out of that musical because I couldn't maintain the rehearsals and everything. Longer than 20 minutes. You could be in cats without the costume. Just show up. That is true I see some whiskers there. Mr. Mistoffelees.

Do you remember any of your big lines or anything like that from any of those? No. I remember songs but that's about it. Okay. Thank you sir. What song do you remember? Redman has been trying to get this chili song on the show for four and a half minutes by the way. Just waiting with his hand over the fucking button. It is incredible.

You know that song? Oh, I love that song. You're goddamn right, that's your national anthem. Yes, sir. You wanna sing it with the band? Sure. Go right ahead. Chili's baby back ribs. I want my baby back, back baby back I want my baby back baby back baby back I want

my chile baby back real wow this is kill pony somehow we're one of the biggest shows in the world. There's a big joke book. There goes Frank Trandacosta, ladies and gentlemen. All right. Back to the bucket we go. A one word name. Historically, these are always interesting. Make some noise for your next comedian, Halena, everybody.

A one word name, Halena. Man, who the hell greenlit a rape whistle? Bitch, you need a gun. You're getting swooped up at the park and you're tooting a little fucking jig about it. Like, you're gonna get raped and then you're tooting a little fucking jig about it? Like you're gonna get raped and then you're gonna play yourself out like the Titanic band. Any man capable of saving you has tinnitus and cannot register that frequency. You

need a little device that sounds like a 24ve cranking and then not starting. A man who was just hit by a bus is gonna just reassemble his limbs like the Avengers and get there faster than Jimmy John's. Like, there in 15 minutes are the rapes on him. Hehehe. Man, that was my full minute. All right, well... Tony Hinchcliffe looks like the first wooden puppet to come to life on puberty blockers.

It's not his fault. They told him he could be a real boy. All right. All right, there you go. A real-life crack rock, everybody. Thank you. That's me. Way to take shots at the throne

while bombing your entire set. Amazing. That's what I do. Normally people that go for me at least have some momentum. Way to take shots at the throne while bombing your entire set. Amazing. Normally people that go for me at least have some momentum or something like that. Welcome, Helena. How are you? You've been on the show once before, correct? I have. It didn't go well. I remember. I remember very clearly. I was just a wooden boy back then. I remember. I remember you said the N-word on stage.

I didn't quite. I was close, but I didn't quite. What did you say that was so close? I don't remember. I basically praised slavery. It was fine. Yeah, it wasn't the vibe. I was doing satire that a lot of people didn't recognize as satire. Okay. I got a lot of death threats in my DMs.

Not a poorly spelled death threats. Wow. Wow. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. There you go. Oh my God.

There you go. That was funny. Helena, where are you from? I am from the very tip top of Northern California on the coast and from the Redwoods. Okay. Yeah. Absolutely.

How long have you been in Austin, Texas? Like three months. Okay, how do you like have you been in Austin, Texas? Like three months. Okay, how do you like it? Oh I love it. It's my favorite place I've lived. What do you love about it? The people are great. I like the gun laws and the gas prices. I mean, mine's gas prices not quite, but I've heard they can be good here. But so you know, that, the people, barbecue's fantastic and... The rape? Yeah, you know? I've lived in Austin for three months and I haven't been raped by a homeless guy yet

and I'm surprised because I mean, I didn't know Austin was a city of empty promises. I mean, one guy did kind of try but he ran off with some Asian kid yelling you don't know me, I'm not Red Band. Bring me into this shit, you ratchet bitch. Exactly. Yeah.

Yeah, that's just weird. Helena, what do you do? I'm an electrician. Oh, wow. Really? You work? You get work? Yeah. She looks like she's been shocked. I have a couple times, yeah.

Not too bad, but yeah, a bit. How long have you been an electrician for? Three years. Wow. You good at it? I'd like to think so, yeah. My work's clean and it works properly. What keeps you doing stand-up? I like it. I think it's fun.

I don't know. I like, I identify as funny. I don't know if that means I actually am. That counts nowadays. Exactly. If you can identify as whatever you want. I'm identifying as funny. But yeah, I just get a kick out of it. I like it. Yeah. I want to do it. Yeah. But yeah, I just get a kick out of it. I like it. Yeah, I want to do it. Yeah Anyone else identify you as funny? Not that many. There's a couple of them out there. Yeah, but how's the circuit going for you? How many spots are you doing you're working hard? Not that many. I was recently discouraged by a show that I was on Tell us about that. Oh, I was racist on Gil Tony and I got a lot of yeah We talked about that. Oh, I was racist on Kill Tony and I got a lot of... Yeah.

We talked about that. I put, perhaps there was another... That didn't go over well. Right. I thought perhaps. No, yeah. So I took a little break after that and had a little existential crisis, but I'm back. Out of spite mostly, but I'm back.

Oh, absolutely. Now most of the shows that you do are like open mics in front of small crowds, right? Not a lot in front of big ones yet. Yeah, mostly people that don't want to be there. Like tonight. What else do you do for fun, Helena? That's a good question. I like shooting guns.

I like smoking stogies. Watching Jordan Peterson. There you go. Ben Shapiro, I don't know. I just vibe most of and Ben Shapiro. I don't know. I just buy most of the time. Interesting. Not doing good for your non-racist reputation.

No. How did you conjure up enough courage to come back after your existential crisis? You see me? I'm shaking up a storm. I'm terrified. Yeah, yeah. But you do it anyhow. How come? How come? Because I have a personal drive to do it and I'm not going to let one person on a podcast or panel on a podcast of highly respectable comedians tell me that I'm

not good enough to do it. I've decided in my heart that I wanted to do it so I'm going to do it. Well, no one on the panel told you not to do it, right? No, but as bad as bad as bad as bad. I'm like, I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it.

I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it.

I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it.

I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it. I honestly kind of expected it to go really badly. And I wanted to start from there so that no matter how many other places I've bombed, I'm like, man, it's not as bad as bombing and getting roasted on Kill Tony. Well, there you go. So now any other, yeah. I keep bombing and it's not stopping me.

Do you think tonight went better than last time? I think it went a little bit better. There was a couple of chuckles out there. Last time there was like one guy who got my three fist reference. So yeah. Right. And he was wearing a white hood.

Shout out to that guy. Thanks dude. Yeah. And then Borat liked it. I don't know. He was funny. What? Ian Fidance looks like Borat.

Okay. No, he doesn't. Okay. Literally doesn't look like him. Minor resemblance. What's your living situation like? Why do I feel like you have like a shed? You have shed energies.

It's well lit in the shed, that's for sure. Yeah, it's a very well lit shed. The outlets are on point in there. No, no, I live out in like a little one bedroom out in the middle of New Sweden. New Sweden. It's in the middle of like a hundred acres. It's nice. It's not a shed, all right?

It's not, listen, it's not a shed. Sounds like a shed. It's nice in there. It's not a shed. If you look at it out of distance, it looks vaguely shed-like. It's not a shed. Ooh.

It's a nice spot. It's got a shed. Oh! It's a nice spot. It's got a two car garage, it's nice. Wait, is the garage bigger than the dwelling? No, honestly it's about the same size. It's one big, it's one big shed-like rectangle and then the upstairs is a living space and then the downstairs is the two car garage. What do you put in the two-car garage? You have one car? I have a car and a motorcycle. Whoa, look at you. Electricians pay well,

right? You make good money? They're decent. It's a hit or miss. Some places are like 12 an hour and you're gonna be doing shit work and then some places are like 24 and you can hang out on your phone. Do you need a roommate? We could have hobbit sex, hot hobbit sex in your little shed. I'm happily taken, but that's an offer I'll have to keep on the back burner. All right. Are you dating a guy or a girl? Hi?

Guy or girl? Why does everyone think I'm a lesbian? You're an electrician who rides a motorcycle. And smokes cigars. The eyebrows. There's a lot of hints there. I know. So even my dad thought I was playing for the other team, but no, I say that God made me and smoke cigars. The eyebrows. There's a lot of hints there. I know.

So even my dad thought I was playing for the other team. But no, I say that God made me a non-practicing lesbian. Like, he made me a full-blown dyke and didn't flip the gay switch on the way out. Gave me the old reverse inch glyph, you know? Right. Yeah. It's amazing.

You're not a lesbian, but you ate it on stage tonight. Oh, god, man. You got a little joke book last time you were on? I did get a little one. Well, but you ate it on stage tonight. Oh, God, man. You got a little joke book last time you were on? I did get a little one. Well, there you go. You should fill it up with material. No, I actually dropped that shit on the way out, and then I felt bad, so I didn't go yet.

I was like, I'll get a big one one day, so. There you go. Today is not that day. I figured. There goes Helena, ladies and gentlemen. I'll be back. Helena. Okay. I figured. There goes Helena, ladies and gentlemen. I'll be back. Helena. Okay.

Yeah, we filled up the... One last bucket pull tonight. Let's see what happens here. This is interesting. This doesn't make sense because you're here. It says Jordan Peterson. What does this mean? Jordan Peterson.

Wait a second. This is Jordan Peterson. What does this mean, Jordan Peterson? Wait a second, what is going on here? Ladies and gentlemen, there's some funny business going on. The old switcheroo? Wait a second. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise. I do believe this is Jordan Peterson, everybody. Yeah. Well, you know, it's like, well, well, you know, it's like, it's been a comical evening, you know, and it's like,

well, I was going to try to be funny, but it's like, well, it depends what the meaning of funny is. It's like, forgot to clean my damn room, you know, like, well, on the way here, I fingered a cat, you know, it's like, forgot to clean my damn room, you know? Like, well, on the way here, I fingered a cat, you know? It's like, so anyways, well, I'm single, you know? It's like, I'm a tiny guy, height challenged, you know? The damn feminists make you put your height on Tinder. I had to change my damn height to millimeters to trick them.

It's like, well, you know. You know. I look like I'm damn 37 from the front, from the back I could be 12. It's like I'm a... I'm what's known as a pedophile's worst nightmare. It's like, yeah. It's like Nishi warned about that, you know. It's like, catching pedophiles all day in the playground just playing around, you know, wait, you know,

gotcha, you know, gotcha. Just like Kathy Newman, I got that feminist cut, and I got her. It's like... So... Well... I work for the Daily Wire now, so I'm required to say that this impression was brought to you by ExpressVPN.

Use code lobster for 10% off. All right, everybody, thanks so much. Jordan Peterson, one of my fucking heroes. I cleaned my room. Jordan, what do you think about Jordan Peterson? I'd love to listen to him. He's got a great tailor, I'll tell you. I need help, man. You gotta help me.

That is an amazing jacket. Where do you get a jacket like that from? He's got a great tailor, I'll tell you. I need help, man. You gotta help me. That is an amazing jacket. Where do you get a jacket like that from? Well, this insane Russian character named Dmitry sent me a suit list a year or two years ago and told me make me a suit for each of my rules. So that's 12, damn it, you know? And I realized if you want to look smart, just look like you're getting gum off your

fingers. That's how you conjure ideas out of nothingness. How do I get pussy? Do I just... How about a hand for the great Tyler Fisher, everybody? Why do I get pussy? Do I just... Ha ha ha. How about a hand for the great Tyler Fisher, everybody? Gordon Peterson, everybody. And with that, there's only one place to go from here.

We have one final comedian. He is an absolute thunderstorm of chaos. You know him as the Memphis Strangler, the Vanilla Gorilla, the Tijuana Tarantula, the Detroit Dingleberry. This is indeed the Big Red Machine, the one and only William Montgomery, everybody. ["The Big Red Machine"] So I've got some good news and I've got some bad news. The bad news is Kamala Harris is now running for president.

The good news, Maya Rudolph about to be back on SNL, y'all! For the visually impaired, Kamala Harris looks like an Indian woman who got her hair did. That's a pretty good one, I think. Okay. But seriously, Joe Biden is abandoning the race just like he abandoned his granddaughter hunter-fathered with a stripper. Kamala Harris and Donald Trump have a lot in common. For one, they both taking shots to the face. Come on, I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie.

I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie.

I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I am currently on an hour and a half of sleep. I was in Miami. I got mixed up in the planes going, not flying on Friday. And I had to do a show on Sunday. And I slept an hour and a half

last night, Tony. I am just so exhausted and my throat is hurting right now, Scott. That's a new thing. We've been hearing a lot about this. Your throat hurting, you've been overworked. Did you make all your shows with the flights being canceled and whatnot? Hold on. Scott Peterson?

No, it's not Scott Peterson. Oh! I was wondering how you got Scott Peterson. I thought he was in prison. No, it's not Scott Peterson, I thought he was in prison. No, it's not Scott Peterson, it's Will. Oh, but yes, I was able to, I was able to make the fights on Saturday, but then I had to do a show on Sunday and now my voice is killing me and I'm exhausted.

So did you miss Friday shows? Had to miss Friday shows. This is like a new thing that's been happening with you where you don't make your first night of shows. Well, this was, I don't remember what the event was called, but this is a very special event where it wasn't actually my fault, Tony. So that's how that works.

But it actually was kind of, it was kind of strange. I was actually getting high on my couch, and my father, Larry, we're always texting, and he texts me these two very long text messages, and I read the first line of the first text message, and it says, William, I know you're just sitting on the couch getting high. And then I set it down, so...

There's no much story. I was scared to read the rest of it. Was he right? Yes, I was high on the couch. But I don't know, Tony. Yeah, maybe I need to start going to the places early. I don't know. I don't really want to do that. Really, I don't really want to go to these places

a fucking day before. I just don't want to. Right. Do you keep taking, like, the last flight to these places? Is that the one that you book so that you can get sleep? Yeah, this last one maybe was one in the middle of the afternoon. Yeah. Have you ever thought about going to a professional

development class? No. Yeah. No, is that funny? Is that what you all are laughing about? No, I need help, Tony. I need help. This is a cry for help. You need to book the earliest flight to places so that if

things go wrong, you can have backup plans. Especially now that you're here in Austin, where there's not quite as many flights as L.A. Okay. I'll start doing it. I got to work. Is there such a thing as, like, a disciplined comedian? No. No, no. No, not really. No, just, like, disciplined accountant.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. So I'm with you on the missed flights, I'd say. What do you mean, or what does that mean? Or what do you mean? I think you were getting my back, I think. I was trying to understand what you were saying, though. What are you saying? You miss flights too sometimes?

I'm just trying to offer you some understanding. No, I don't ever miss flights. You don't? No, he would never, he would never miss a fucking flight. But meanwhile, you've missed two your last two weekends. Isn't that correct? At least two in the last two. Yeah, but only one.

Only the shows on Friday I missed. But I made it up. It's okay. Don't you think it's weird to travel to a city to make half as much money as you could if you made the fuck up? Well, it was so funny, Tony. I made the same amount of money

as I did in Vancouver, Canada with five sold out shows in Vancouver. And I made the same amount of money as I did in Vancouver, Canada, with five sold-out shows in Vancouver, and I made the same amount of money doing three shows in Miami, just because of the taxes and everything. Right. Plus, we also try to make our dollar not worth anything. Mm-hmm.

Do you like, what's it, Trudeau? Are you a Justin Trudeau fan? Yeah. Do you like, what's it, Trudeau? Are you Justin Trudeau fan? Ha ha ha ha. Is your Canadian arc you have carried? I like him the same way I like Gavin Newsom. Roasted over a spit. Oh. Ha ha ha ha. Yeah, yeah.

Amazing, Tyler Fisher. Yeah, yeah, I haven't seen much of your stuff. You kind of look like Louis C.K. when he went into hiding. I like that. You're funny, though. He does look like he took a flight and it crashed, and then he fucked a volleyball for, like, three years and then came back to Austin. It's like a flight risk.

Hold on, Tyler, I'm just a little curious. Can you stand up for a second? Oh, my God. Oh, shit. What is going on? I'm just a little curious, can you stand up for a second? Oh my god, oh shit. What is going on? Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! Everybody knows you're fucking four seven, dude. Don't talk about my fucking whatever the fuck you just said, dude, you're a tiny little short guy. Yeah, I know, but I go up on women. That must be fun being so short. You can probably have fun with people being so short.

Such a little guy. Be nice, William. You're a cute little guy. Look at you. Thank you. You really are a sweet, cute little guy with those blue eyes. Look at you. With small little fingers and small little arms and a small little body.

You're sweet looking. William, what are you passionate about this week? What are you excited about? I don't know. I mean, my fucking voice is going, and I'm literally fucking on edge, Tony, but I'm never gonna... I'm probably never gonna stop going the flights the day of the shows.

I think we're gonna keep doing that, but maybe I'll change it. I don't know. Maybe I'll switch it up. Yeah. That might be a good thing. But I bet a lot of people are gonna buy your Saturday tickets from now on, listening to these last couple shows that you've done, realizing that you have a new weird habit of missing the Fridays.

Yeah, don't get tickets for any of my Friday shows. If you happen to be watching this, yes. Do not buy tickets for Friday shows. That's exciting, though. It's exciting for the people that buy tickets for Friday shows, That's exciting though. It's exciting for the people that buy tickets for Friday shows and then they show up and you're there. It's like, whoa, he never does this. I know, well, I'm figuring it out, Tony.

I love it. It's an exciting thing. You're a very, very exciting, neurotic, special, special man, William Montgomery. A very, very special boy. Well, I'm happy I made it. It was very nice to be here, Tony. Everybody loves you. Kill Tony, Hall of Famer it. It was very nice to be here, too. Everybody loves you.

Kiltoni Hall of Famer, legend. Anything else we need to know, William? What else is going on? I think the worms are out of Gator's butt, my dog's butt. I think the worms have been... Your dog had worms? Yes.

And what did you do to take care of that situation? Ha-ha. that situation. Just gave her a pill. Just gave her a pill and I think it worked. Okay. Yeah, yeah. Did your dog come over to you when you call its name? Yes, she does. Oh, we love each other, yes. Yeah. She comes over all the time? Yeah. Yeah. She comes over all the time? Yeah.

Okay. All the time. All the time. All the time. All the time. All the time. All the time. All the time.

All the time. All the time. All the time. All the time. All the time. All the time. All the time. All the time.

All the time. All the time. All the time. All the time. All the time. All the time. All the time. I slept an hour last night. I feel totally fucking exhausted. We're gonna stop coming to my Friday shows now. I'm starting to stress out about that. Everybody's gonna stop buying tickets for my shows. You're already stressed out about it? I'm already stressed out about it. I'm already thinking about it.

We just acknowledged it three and a half minutes ago. You're stressed? You know me, Tony. You know I live a life filled with stress. I don't know how to turn it off. Really is true. This is a fun fact about William. I don't know how to turn it off. Really is true. This is a fun fact about William. There's so many things that are exaggerated

and wild about William, but he really is very stressed, very concerned about me. Very stressed, not really happy when I'm working on it. But yeah, not really even that happy, but just kind of stressed. But what's wild is your little brother,

Selden. Thank you, dumbass. The one fucking weird little laugh when I'm saying I'm not happy. Thanks for laughing at that, you fucking idiot. If I kill myself tonight, you know it's because of you, you fucking idiot. Your little brother Selden works here at the mothership. We've met him before. I know.

He's been on this show with you. And he's always happy. And what's interesting is that he is, he's a big drinker. He shotguns white claws and other very interesting beverages. And he's always happy. And how long have you been sober? Three years. A little over three years now.

Yeah. Congratulations. Thank you. It's fine. My life's boring but it's okay. How many, tell the people how many club sodas you drink a night to replace your drinking habit? God, I don't know. In Miami, I was fucking out on the beaches with them. I was drinking, I was honest, I don't know, I drank 10, 15. Yeah. One Friday night or Saturday night. On the low end, right?

Yeah. I love it. Yeah, you do. I love it. That's surprising, he seems well less hydrated than that. Yeah. What is, do you have like an official diagnosis? Do you have like an official,

you see a therapist, or is there, like, someone you talk to about them not getting up for shows and stuff? Was somebody talking? Was I hearing some woman talking up here? I'm not talking to any fucking bitches up here tonight. I'm sorry. I'm really not. I'm really not in the mood. Oh, you piece of shit. I already talked to the little short guy,

who seems very sweet. I didn't want to really talk to him. Well I already talked to the little short guy, who seems very sweet. I didn't want to really talk to him. Watch it, bucko. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. What are you saying? I've never seen such a great battle between two college football mascots before.

This is incredible. We should work together. Make some noise for the great William Montgomery, ladies and gentlemen. We did it again. Jordan Peterson everybody come on. We who wrestle with God November 12th this year the new book is out. The Peterson Academy is just taking off.

Truly the new best online university in the world, led by the great Jordan Peterson. How about a hand for Tyler Fisher, everybody? The election special out now on his YouTube. He's on tour. TylerFisher.com. That's F-I-S-C-H-E-R. The Kim Congdon Takeover, the new podcast by Killtony legend Kim Congdon, everybody.

Thank you to ExpressVPN and Shopify. The drawing from Ryan J. E. Belt is in. It is amazing. Red band? Check out the secret show over at the sunsetstripatx.com. Thank you, guys. We love you guys. The stream for Madison Square Garden is available now.

And we love you guys. We'll for Madison Square Garden is available now. And we love you guys. We'll see you super soon. Have a good night, everybody. Oh, tickets for Las Vegas now for sale. A huge pop-up Killtoni the week of Skank Fest, the Wednesday night at Resorts World in Las Vegas. So that's the very rare Killtoni on the road, one of the only ones that we're doing this year.

We love you guys, thank you, good night everybody. The Music Music Music Music Music The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to SunsetStripATX.com for tickets. Thanks for watching! you