KILL TONY - #682 - MADISON SQUARE GARDEN (NIGHT TWO)

Episode Date: September 14, 2024

Shane Gillis, Adam Ray, Dave Attell, William Montgomery, Ari Matti, Casey Rocket, Kam Patterson, Hans Kim, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, Jon Deas, Matthew Muehling, Joe White, Kristie Nova, Yoni, Troy Conrad, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – 08/10/2024 TONY HINCHCLIFFE @TONYHINCHCLIFE TONYHINCHCLIFFE.COM BRIAN REDBAN @REDBAN DEATHSQUAD.TV SUNSETSTRIPATX.COM Head to https://factormeals.com/killtony50 and use code killtony50 to get 50% off your first box plus 20% off your next month. Start your free online visit today at https://hims.com/killtony Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Visit mx.ca slash business platinum. Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Death Squad podcast network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Death Squad dot TV and now on Spotify and Apple podcasts. If you want to check out Tony Hinchcliffe's website, go to Tony Hinchcliffe.com. If you want to check out Tony Hinchcliffe's website, go to TonyHinchcliffe.com. Everything Golden Pony, including his tour dates, at TonyHinchcliffe.com. If you want to check out the Sunset Strip or get some Death Squad merch, go to DeathSquad.tv. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Hey, this is Red Band coming live from Madison Square Garden here in New York City for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Get up and Tony Hickscliff. I've said it many times before, but tonight I mean it. Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives? Yippee! And here we go! What the fuck is up, Madison Square Garden? Make some noise for my partner in crime, Brian Redban. noise for my partner in crime, Brian Red Band. Ah! Ah!

How about one more time for the motherfucking Black Keys. Ah! Ah! And of course, the best damn band in the land. We got Burrow Horns, Jet Ski, Jesse Johnson, Michael Gonzalez, Marcus King, John Dees, and the great D Madness on the bass guitar, ladies and gentlemen. Matt Mueling. I didn't say it? I think I said it? Okay, Matt Mueling. Triple shout out, Matt Mueling. How about one more time for D Madness? Let him hear you, everybody.

And the man that puts it all together. One more time for John D's people. Unfucking believable. This has been the most magical weekend of our entire lives, and we're gonna put a big ribbon on it tonight. I promise you from the bottom of my cold black heart this was the first show that sold out. We were shocked watching it go in a few hours. You guys are truly the best comedy fans

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options like Calorie Smart, Protein Plus and Keto. Factor's fresh, never frozen meals. Their dietician approved and ready to eat in just two minutes. So no matter how busy you are are you'll always have time to enjoy nutritious great tasting meals. Red band! Tony I love factor their meals are so healthy and easy to make. I actually enjoy eating at home now. Make today the day you kickstart a new healthy routine. What are you waiting for with 35 different meals and more than 60 add-ons to choose from every week?

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plus 20% off your next month. That's KILTONY50 at factormeals.com slash KILTONY50 to get 50% off your first box plus 20% off your next month while your subscription is active. Ladies and gentlemen, I get to introduce your guest for the night, a New York fucking icon, truly one of the best comedians of all time, one of our favorite guests of all time,

the king of New York City makes some noise for the great and powerful David Tell. Oh my God. Here we go. The man, the myth, the New York fucking legend. Every night. Tony! Tony, you set? Make it louder.

Can you hear me? Louder on two. Hello? Okay, good. I guess you got the same sound guy from the debates. I gotta say one thing about my man Tony here. He said he was gonna play The Garden, I said never. Not only has he played it, he's played it twice, totally sold out. You made that happen.

Tony, I owe you a blowjob. Yeah, I love it. What a fucking honor to have you here, Dave. I'm so pumped to have you. And you know what? Why don't we add one more person to this panel? Even though we could do it with Dave very easily, I'd like to introduce a man who made his Kill Tony debut only this year. He's only been on the panel one time before. You know, I mean, what can I say about him? He's got a lot of free time on his hands. Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to introduce, this is pretty crazy, but this is Madison Square Garden,

so I'm gonna do it anyway. I would like to introduce to you the current President of the United States of America. This is Joe Minus! I'm gonna be a good boy. Joe, over here. You're sitting with us tonight. He's a little confused. Wow. Ladies and gentlemen, he's back. Joe Biden. Oh, baby. America. How we feeling, America?

America, USA, USA, USA. He's back. Let's get a beer. I might have stepped down, Tony, but I'm stepping up to the streets like Jackie Chan in Mortal Kombat. Come on. I'm sitting up here in a legend right now. I got David Tell, I got Dave Chappelle, I got David Dell.

Hello, is it me? Come on. Got Kim Cattrall up here, Sex in the City. A couple of gals getting some drinks, getting their kinks, looking for twinks. You know what it is. We're going to Jumanji tonight. We'll go up, down, A, B, left, right, select, start.

Ba-da-pa-pa-pa, you're loving it, come on. You know what it is, get two birds with one stone, kill two girls with one cub, we're living la vida loca. Still got it, Joe Biden is here, ladies and gentlemen. Awesome. Dave, what do you think about sitting next to the president? I think the press can go all night. His diaper's half empty, not half full.

I like this guy. Aren't you the garbage man from Sesame Street? Four more days. Say that to my face. Ha ha ha. Whoa! Joe, how you been spending your free time? Huh? Ha ha ha.

What you been doing with all the extra time on your hands? Oh, I went on, I went down, hey, here's the deal. I went to Little Caesar's last night. Oh. Had some crazy bread, nothing crazy about it Tony. Regular bread. I saw David Lucas there. That's all that story is. He was getting a pizza, he's a fat guy, come on. No, I've been taking it easy, I've been trying to fill up my day with hobbies and Sudoku.

I'm trying to make sure that everybody knows what I'm doing right now. But guess what, Tony, even though I'm not gonna be president anymore, I'm still gonna do it. I still feel like I got it in me to go four more years. I feel like it. I feel like just because I stepped down, oh, suck my down. Oh,

suck my dick. I'll suck my dick and lick my dick. You're a sucker. You're a sucker. You're a sucker. I'll tell you this much Tony. I got a lot. You shut the fuck up. You can't stand. I'm telling you this much. I feel good. I went to curves last night. I did two sit ups. I got a membership to 38 hour fitness. Come on. All right. I had two Curves last night, I did two sit-ups. I got a membership to 38 Hour Fitness, come on. All right, I hugged two gay guys last night, we're doing it. I feel like a black guy in the Olympics,

I'm gonna do it for my country. I got four more years in me, here we go, say it with me. Four more years, four more years, four more years, four more years, come on, four more years, hit me, four more years, hit me Michael, come on, four more years, four more years, four more years. Come on, four more years. Hit me, four more years. Hit me, Michael, come on. Four more years, four more years, eight more beers, five more deers.

You know what it is, come on. We can do it, we can do it if we want to. Maybe if you try a little harder, maybe you'll be able to convince them. Come on, you know what it is, say it with me. 20 more years. 80 more years. Come on! 80 more years. 15 more years.

I got one Mexican girl standing up doing it. Why can't the rest of you do it? Now she's on a pogo stick. Look at those titties bounce. Come on. Come on, do it for her titties. Come on! 8 more tits. 8 more tits. 10 more years.

Shit. What the fuck is that all about? Wow. Fuck you. Oh shit. Oh my God. Oh Oh my God! He's back! Donald fucking Trump is here! Oh my god.

Oh my god. Wow. Ladies and gentlemen gentlemen they're back Donald Trump you can cut the fucking music. Oh, yeah, it's amazing Wow welcome back mr.. President Tony. It's so good to be here back in Back here in New York City, what a city, what a beautiful city. What an absolute disaster this city has become. White homeless, do you believe it? White homeless. When I lived here there were black homeless and nobody cared.

Everybody said, that's fine, now there's a crisis cause no homeless are white, do you believe what's happening? Donald Trump is here, Joe Biden is here, and the king of New York, David Tell is here. Oh my god. Tony, who just shit my pants again? What a smackdown, Tony. This is unbelievable.

And we might as well get to a comedian. As you guys know, there's a bucket here filled with over 300 comedians' names. If they get pulled out of the bucket, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know their time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. They have to wrap it up then. I interview them. They talk to our esteemed panel. We find out more about them. These people are performing live at

Madison Square Garden assuredly for the first time in their lives. We have a bunch of regulars, a bunch of golden ticket winners, and we've also added only in the show's history for Madison Square Garden a special Legends bucket. There is a plethora of unbelievable comedians that are gracing us with a little bit of their ridiculously awesome material that they're way overqualified to do on a big crazy show like this, and we're honored to have them standing by, ready to shock us and surprise us and grace us with their presence. Let's get this show started with a bang. We are starting the show in a very special way,

because we are starting with the closer, ladies and gentlemen. To do the first set here tonight, because we are starting with the closer ladies and gentlemen. To do the first set here tonight, I'd like to present to you the Hall of Famer with the most appearances in the history of the show, the most interviews in the history of the show. This is the Memphis Strangler, the Vanilla Gorilla, the Big Red Machine, William Montgomery! Hooray! Hooray! Hooray! Hooray!

Hooray! Hooray! Hooray! Hooray! Hooray! Hooray! Hooray! Hooray!

Hooray! Hooray! Ladies and gentlemen, during gait announcements, hey Delta, here's a suggestion. Stop worrying about my dick and start worrying about my fucking flight being five hours late. The fuck is going on, Delta? Kamala Harris might become the first Indian American president. And Elizabeth Warren is like like it could have been me

Kamala Harris is so bad at fake laughing. I thought she was at one of my shows So take these broken wings That's a pickup line. I used to use on angels that had fallen from heaven. Die hard! It's called rigor mortis! Okay, that's probably my best joke. That's my time! Thank you!

William Montgomery getting things started tonight. Always so fun. Amazing stuff. So nice to be here, Tony. I actually ended up going to the White Castle on 103rd last night. And I ended up getting into it with three vagrants and I literally killed three homeless people last night. And I don't give a fuck no more! I'm dying of skin cancer! But yeah, no, I literally killed three fucking vagrants outside of White Castle last night, then they threw me in Rikers Island! But yeah, I was able to escape from Rikers earlier, so so nice to be here!

Thanks for getting me on the show tonight, Tony. That's why you're wearing a prison outfit. Yeah, I killed three people. It was a Puerto Rican lady a black guy and a Chinese woman and Mary fuck kill. Yeah, Mary fuck kill probably marry the black person kill the Puerto Rican and Mary was the last one. I don't know. Yeah, neither do I sorry, okay What was the last one? I don't know. Yeah, neither do I.

Sorry. OK. But so nice to be here, Tony. I'm sweating like a motherfucker up here. But it is so nice to be here. Trump and Biden, so nice to see you all tonight. It's great to see you. And what a performance from this guy.

We love this guy. What he said about Kamala was so true. She'd be a disastrous pig. that's what she would be what a loser she is she should be a bucket pull she could come up here and we could make fun of her being a pig William you look like a carpenter on Epstein Island. I was never there. Prove it, show me your penis. Wait and although you what do you mean I look like a carpenter from Epstein Island? What the fuck are you talking about Mr. President? I mean are you fucking serious? You look like if Tom Hanks fucked the volleyball and cast away.

Okay, that was pretty good. Okay, fuck! You've seen William before, right, Dave? I sure have. He sold me some fentanyl on the way in. Yes, I will be out front selling fentanyl after the show. Actually, I overdosed my brother last night, so my mom's flying it tonight. The whole family's getting it tonight, but yeah, really exciting. I will be out front selling fentanyl after the show. I actually overdosed my brother last night,

so my mom's flying in tonight, the whole family's getting in tonight, but yeah, really exciting. When did she give in? Amazing. Why did you ask that, you fat piece of shit? You look as nasty as ever. I thought maybe in Madison Square Gardens

you'd look a little better, but you look as nasty as ever, dumbass. So don't say anything to me, you fucking idiot, seriously. Just wanna know what time your mom gets in. I don't know what time your mom gets there. What? Now that's how you talk to an opponent you strike them down immediately he tried to talk to you you said you're a fat pig What a guy this guy is great you should be my VP. Think about it I would love to

yeah let's think about it. Have you ever fucked a couch? I actually have. I do it every week. I actually do. There's nothing wrong with that. I don't, but I agree. Amazing. It could happen, William. Uh, William, you're amazing. What a great way to get the fucking show star so nice to be here Congratulations on breaking out of prison so nice to be here. Thank you. They're true American We're gonna get to our first bucket full of the night This guy was actually pulled last night, and we ran out of time so we had to cut it short So this guy's at fucking 22 hours to think about performing in Madison Square Garden There's the lovely Heidi signifying

indeed that this is bucket pool number one. Your first comedian, we're going to meet him all together doing an uninterrupted 60 seconds tonight goes by the name of Michael Palumbo, ladies and gentlemen, Michael Palumbo. And here we go. Here's Michael, everybody. Make some noise for Michael. I like to beatbox. Being a beatboxer is weird. It's kind of like being a civil war reenactor because your friends are happy you have a hobby,

but no one wants to see it in person. One of my friends told me, he was like, I like it when you beatbox it cheers me up you should do it for other people to cheer them up. I was like I don't know if that's how it works you know like my other friend is gonna be like dude Sarah broke up with me. I'm gonna be like bro that's terrible, reverable. And she cheated on you? With three other dudes? Thank you. They were all black guys. Can you imagine doctors giving terrible news like that? You know, like, Mr. Smith,

your husband has cancer. It's terminal. And we don't take insurance. All right. Thank you. Michael Palumbo. That was awesome. How's it going? Thank you. Welcome to the show, Michael. How long have you been doing stand-up? Two years next month. Nice. Two years. Thanks for having me.

You brought it, that's for sure. What do you think? Yeah, it's amazing. Thank you. You have like a weird baby head on a man's body. Appreciate that. It's a real make-a-wish. Am I right, Michael?

Thanks, Dave. I got more to grow you know more growing to do we'll see if I get there. How old are you? I'm 20. Oh that's loud. Threw me off dude. That's crazy. What are you doing at 20 years old? What are you doing for America at 20? What are you doing? Uh, sucking resources, going to school, you know, that type of thing. And going to school for what? I was going to school for neuroscience for a while. But I don't know. Are you missing a tooth?

I am. I'm missing a tooth. Nothing better than a neuroscientist missing a tooth. Yeah, yeah. That's why I went into it. I wanted to see if I could fix it, you know. It seems like you wanted to beatbox more than you wanted to do stand-up, am I right? It's a lot more fun with the beatboxing. It's pretty fun. Is it?

Yeah, that's like getting a prostitute and she just wants to show you her art. It's like, suck my dick, come on. Wow. It does help with the beatboxing. It creates more sounds. Wow. I'm surprised there's not more white trash beatboxers. Amazing.

What do you do for work, Michael? I go to school. I work at customer service centers, and I've worked with special needs kids before. Nice. Wow. Are the special needs kids in a mirror? Working with special needs kids, that's what you call whacking off, isn't it? Yeah. It's helpful. It's helpful, you know. off, isn't it? Yeah.

It's helpful, it's helpful. Mike, where you from, buddy? Jersey, right across the river. First time? First time here? No. First time being groomed? I mean, I grew up in the Catholic Church, so. Oh, my bad, sorry.

Sorry, all right. who was your favorite I bet a priest loves fucking that little hole in your tooth huh extra tight Michael congratulations you just performed in Madison Square Garden you got a here's a big joke book you're a Palum, we're gonna keep it moving along. All the way from Jersey, Tony. And so it has begun, yes. The rare tooth-missing Jersey resident. One day he'll be a doctor.

All right, we're having fun. We've had a regular up, we've had a bucket pull. Let's go to the Legends bucket for the first time tonight. A bucket pull buddy. Wow, very exciting. Ladies and gentlemen, this guy, I mean, what can I say? He's an instant legend on this show, a front runner for guest of the year 2024.

Ladies and gentlemen, make some fucking noise for a Kill Tony icon. This is the return of Harlan Williams. ["Kill Tony Icon"] Thank you, Tony. This is a, I hope you'll indulge me for a minute. This is a very emotional, emotional night for me here tonight, gang. I think most of you know that when I was 12 years old, I murdered my parents. And what sparked it was we were out in the garage one day. I was with my mom and my dad. We were a hockey family.

I caught my dad making love to my mother wearing goalie pads. And we're out in the garage. 12 years old, I said to my parents, I wanna be a standup comedian. And my dad just looked at me mockingly and he said, what are you talking about, you idiot? What do you think you're gonna play a sold out Madison Square Gardens one day?

That's when I took the goalie stick and beat his brains in. We were a canoe family. My dad had a collection of canoe paddles hanging on the wall. We had one from Cambodia from the Nantung region down by the Mugong River. And I grabbed that Korean fucking Mongolian fucking Chuck E. Cheese canoe paddle and I beat the life out of my mother and guess what? Here I am at a sold out Madison Square Garden. Yes.

Give a hand to the retard, give a hand to the retard. Harland, you're an absolute fucking monster. Front runner for guest of the year. How many of you guys think Harlan should stick around, join the panel with us tonight, huh? Let's get a stool up here of Mike. All right, thank you. Joining this crazy panel, truly one of the greats,

one more time for Harlan Williams, ladies and gentlemen. He's with us, live in the flesh. And we keep it moving along. I present to you Bucket Pool number two, ladies and gentlemen. We're gonna meet him all together. This is 60 Seconds Uninterrupted from Ray Robinson. Here we go. Ray Robinson, ooh, big pop from the comedian section.

Ooh, Big Pop from the comedian section. One more time for Ray Robinson. What is up, what is up, what the heck is up New York? Make some noise! That's a lot of fucking noise. There's so many of you, holy shit. I don't know if this is real or I'm still blacked out on the Metro North, but I'm glad to be here. Yeah, I'm an addict.

Make some noise for addiction. Yeah, we yeah we gonna get fucked up after this yeah but I think that addiction getting out of hand like I was driving down the Bronx the other day and I seen 11 people smoking one blunt do you know how insane that is for 11 motherfuckers to be on one blunt 11 people on one blunt mean I have 11 people only 10 had a dollar. And the last motherfucker didn't have shit but roll up and they still let his ass smoke. Worst part about that whole case was I got out my car,

took a dollar out and started smoking with them niggas. It was 12 people on one blunt, ain't no one got high. We barely got a centimeter. A little math crack head joke. You guys gotta pay attention. You got that biting? Thank you for your time everybody. There it is. The Kill Tony debut of Ray Robinson.

Ray, welcome to the show. How are ya? Grab the mic there. How long have you been on stand up? Eight years. All of it here in New York? New York, Connecticut, D.C. Nice. Yeah, a lot of New England.

Uh-huh. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What do you do for a living? Unemployed, yeah! Give me a dollar! Biggest dollar! And that is a problem. There is very high unemployment amongst the... The what? The toll? And that is a problem. There is very high unemployment amongst the... The what? The toll?

Go ahead, say it. The blacks. The blacks. We're going to get them back to work. We're going to get them working again. Remember when they worked? Sometimes they worked first. Sometimes they work for... Ah! We got him working. We got him working. We got him working. We can get a job tonight. We can get you a job at Radio Shack tonight. What are you doing? Let's do it. Let's do it.

I know radio's gonna have one. Can I take one home? You're already fired for stealing. I asked! Alright. I'm not voting for either of you guys. Dave, you're a big supporter of the Young New York... Let's not pretend you're gonna vote. Yeah, we all know you can't read. Damn, Biden, what the fuck?

Even that felt too harsh when it came out of my mouth. Thanks for coming out. Dave, what do you think? Thanks for having me, I guess. Any more black jokes? Anybody else? No, we got a lot more right here. You don't need them.

All right. We got them. So what was the other choice of outfits? That's what I want to know. Black shirt? Yeah. Yeah. I didn't know you worked on a boat.

I mean, really, dude? How long you been doing it? Eight years? Yeah. That's fucking awesome, dude. Thank you, dog. Did you ever think you'd be playing through a crowd like this? Yeah, 100%. You did?

Yeah. Whoa. A little quicker though, but we made it. It's awesome, dude. Well, you know what? I like what you did. You came up there, you owned it. I love that.

Appreciate you. Dude, what do you think? Amazing. Yeah. I mean, great. You're doing it. You're fucking living the dream. Look at that. It's the reality right now. Holy shit, great. You're doing it. You're fucking living the dream. Look at that.

It's the reality right now. Holy shit, yeah. Still unemployed. It's gonna stay that way. I got a job coming though. Radio Shack tonight. Well, in all seriousness, what are your top three skillsets?

Let's figure this out. Hold on, hold on. Basketball, running, and stealing. Okay, so Lady footlocker. Hold on, when you say you have a job at Radio Shack tonight, what are you talking about? This guy right here, he just put me on. Were you not?

Oh, I gotcha. Yeah. All right, I got it. You're doing a callback, very good. That's what they call it. Craziest thing about your life that would surprise us about you? Fuck, I'm 6'3", 6'4", in boots. Wow, you take great pride in your height. I do. It's

on my bio on Instagram. How about the ladies? They're there. Yo. Yeah, I've been having some fun. Nice. Any other ladies? I'm always taking takers. Come on guys, we're only blocks away from the Red Lobster. What do you think? Red man doesn't think you're six three. Are you lying right now? Shoulder to shoulder. Come here. Harlan, how tall are you? I'm six seven.

I'm definitely six five. Holy shit. Stand back to back. Back to back. Yeah. How tall are you in real life, Harlan? Six two, my man. I gotta enjoy him. I don't know if he does, does he? Fuck all y'all. Get away from me Harlan. That was grinding man.

Do we have a measuring tape over there Yoni? Anybody have a measuring tape? This guy feels real nice. It's a good back. I mean it's in your bio, you mentioned it during your set. You mentioned it during the interview. How many of you think we should measure him right now? Huh? I will have to take my driver's license after this. Here comes Yoni, a pure problem solver. Those shoes have a lot of lift in them too. How

many of you think you should take his shoes off real quick? Kick those shoes off. Yoni, hold on. Hold on. My socks are pretty dirty. We doing this, guys? Yeah, you're doing it. You wanted to be Mr. Six Foot Three. That's your identity.

We're going to find out right now. Yoni's measuring. I'm 100% confident. You are right. Those socks are completely fucked up. Oh, there's no holes in them, though. They're not completely they're like hat Fuck on one ladies and gentlemen

This is not leave the room y'all Let's measure that tape measure let's measure that shit Wow, who would have thought that a black man would have to add a couple inches Wow, who would have thought that a black man would have to add a couple inches? An unbelievable fib. Has very been very humbling. All right. David Tell. Did we just really measure a person of color? Is that what happened here? Absolutely.

Is that even legal? So the bidding will start at $28. All right, ladies and gentlemen, there he goes. Ray Robinson. Congratulations, Ray. Here you go. Awesome, Greg. Keep it up, buddy. There he goes, Ray Robinson,

trying to keep us on schedule here tonight. This is an ad from BetterHelp. As kids, we were always learning and growing, but at some point as adults, we tend to lose that sense of curiosity and excitement. Therapy can help you continue that journey because your back to school era can come at any age. And BetterHelp makes it easy to get started

with affordable online therapy you can do from anywhere. Rediscover possibility with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com to learn more. That's betterH-E-L-P.com. We have a Golden Tiga winner, ladies and gentlemen. He was born and bred on this show hailing from Toronto, Canada. This is without a doubt the Madison Square Garden debut and a dream come true for Aaron Belial.

Hell yeah. Originally from Toronto, Canada, Howie Mandel found him on Killtony, put him on America's Got Talent, and he made it all the way to the finals. And now he's back here. A new American citizen, Aaron Belial. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow.

Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow.

Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. phone. My gender reveal party when my phone updated in 2022 was a banger. I didn't use

to have this sexy voice. I used to sound like a real bitch. Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. The bitch still tries to interrupt me all the time while I'm on stage telling some jokes. Shut the fuck up. I've always been able to go in the wrong bathroom. Nobody says anything. They just look around for my mom. I got an argument one time with someone in the ladies room about who belonged in there. It turned out neither of us did. I was gonna join the Olympics as a woman but there is no way I'm gonna beat all those other guys.

guys. What a close. Aaron Belial without a doubt the first comedian without a voice to perform here at Madison Square Garden. A new American resident. How does it feel Aaron? Oh, oh, oh. He's loading up something here. I gotta be honest.

I thought there would be more people here. It's worth the wait. It's Phil there and it's this is the only time in my life I've ever felt bad for skinny white people. How is everybody doing in the back? Wow. Way to turn the less fortunate people against you. Wow. Was he doing it? I thought he was giving me directions.

I really, uh... Turn left. Uh... Now, Aaron, let me say this. Aaron was totally healthy in 2020, and normal guy, big guy, great guy, and this disastrous administration has crumpled him up. Now he's crumpled. A lot of people have been crumpled here.

No more crumpling, please. I will take responsibility for that. We took some Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles ooze and we dumped it on Aaron's head when he was sleeping. Aaron, how do you feel about being here with all these greats? Can you old fucks shut up? Slam. Boom.

I admire Trump. One day I hope I have the chutzpah to cheat on my wife at my golf club with my floppy orange cock. Wow. Got him. Crumpled and liberal.

What a Canadian disaster you are. Well, let's see how tall he is. Come on. I've been practicing impressions again, and I have one more for you. This is my Kamala Harris. Okay. Here's his Kamala Harris impression, ladies and gentlemen. Here we go. Here it comes. Careful. Blah, blah, blah, blah.

Oh, yeah. CHEERING Aaron, we fucking love you. You're a monster. Watching your unbelievable fucking... CHEERING..growth on this show is absolutely incredible oh he's got one more thing okay okay I'll give you the thanks you deserve thank you Tony I'm a big success because of you Tony I would never be in

a stadium without you Tony I wouldn't be stressing out so bad I have hemorrhoids without you Tony crazy bitches wouldn't poke holes in my condoms without you Tony wow thank you so much thank you for that ringing endorsement without you Tony. Crazy bitches wouldn't poke holes in my condoms without you Tony. Wow. Thank you so much. Thank you for that ringing endorsement, Aaron Belial. There he goes, ladies and gentlemen. Golden ticket winner and thriving American. It's awesome.

Aaron Belial, ladies and gentlemen. Aaron, take your cane. Alright. Ladies and gentlemen, we are indeed, as is being signified, going to the Legends bucket. Oh, this is very, very exciting. This is, it actually happens to be this man's birthday, ladies and gentlemen. He is a true New Yorker, one of my favorite comedians in New York, a true brother of mine.

Makes the noise for multiple time guests and fantastic fucking comedian. It's his birthday. This is Joe DeRosa, everybody! ["The New Yorker's Song"] New York, what's up? Good to see all of you. Thank you. to see all of you. Thank you. I just bought a house in Pennsylvania. I've been decorating, yeah, fuck yeah, boring state. All right. I've been decorating the house. I was going to buy a fake plant. Plants are weird. Plants are the only living thing you can buy a fake version of and not look like a fucking psychopath.

You know what I mean? You can't have a plastic boy in the corner of your office. What? No, him? No, he's fake. I travel a lot, I can't have a real one. You want this legal advice or not? I'll tell you what I miss about New York, Chinatown.

I miss Chinatown. Chinatown and any other city means this, it means a couple of blocks where there's some paper lanterns, and you go down and you eat an egg roll, and you go, that was cute. In New York, Chinatown means they have recreated actual China in a 10 square block radius. you can go down there but you're gonna see some shit you wish you didn't. Is that guy selling blood? Oh my god. And while While we're on the subject of race, black people, black people, stop explaining racism to us.

We're the racists. We get how it works. You're not teaching us anything we don't know. We wrote the book on it. We wrote several, actually. Black people, racism is our jazz. We just want you to listen to it. Alright, I gotta go. Thank you. Kill Tony. Fucking unbelievable.

Kill Tony! Happy birthday, JoJo. Make some noise for New York's own Joe DeRosa, everybody! Happy birthday JoJo. Make some noise for New York's own Joe DeRosa everybody. Happy birthday buddy. We're gonna keep flying through it. One of my favorite shows. Back to the actual bucket we go. Ladies and gentlemen representing section C, row 18, seat one.

This is the Kiltoni debut of Brian Oyoa. Brian Oyoa is next, live around the world on Killtony. Wow, MSG. Guys, you know, before I got into comedy, I had a little bit of a mental breakdown. You know, all I did was sleep I had a little bit of a mental breakdown you know I all I did was sleep I stopped taking care of myself I stopped eating believe it or not you know no one really talks about the positives of severe

clinical depression you know I lost so much weight my acne went away my allergies you know they went away also. It's crazy, but then they put you on the meds, you gain the weight right back, and then a little bit more if you can't notice. Yeah, you know you're fat when Google Maps makes Taco Bell a shortcut on your phone? Yeah, it's right between home and work. The marvels of modern day technology. My girlfriend and I, you know, we always try and do weight competition, weight loss competitions, you know, to motivate each other.

But they always turn into weight game competitions. Who can gain the least amount of weight? I'm like, guess what babe, I won. Only gained five pounds this summer. Oh, if only nagging burnt calories. Thanks guys. Okay, Brian Oyoa, welcome to the show, Brian. Fantastic, Tony.

Now this is what's coming up through the border under this guy. And this isn't just one of them, he's a coyote. There's about three or four in there. A real piñata, he's gonna break open, and a family of five is gonna come running out. He's a Mexican nesting doll, and they've got a lot of them coming right up here.

I hope he's Mexican and not Indian. I could be wrong. This is one thing Donald and I agree on. Show us how many kids are in your pants right now. Brian, are you Mexican? I'm Puerto Rican and Ecuadorian. Wow. What do you think about a Puerto Rican Ecuadorian, David Tell? Whoa, dude, I'm afraid to say the wrong word.

He might grant a wish. What do you do for, oh yeah, go ahead. I was gonna ask, dude, so what do you do for work, dude? I test software, primarily first responders. Wow! The 911 agencies around the nation. I love it, dude, that's great. It's a true American right there. You test them, what do you just call in,

and if they come, they pass? Like, what happens? If I don't do my job right, people lose their lives. Okay. Wow. Appreciate you doing that, buddy. Sorry with all the back and forth with the lady there. How's it going at home? It's good. She's out here, actually. You think so? You know...

I actually have her inside my shirt. Oh, shit. You should have said that earlier. Let me ask you this, my man. Do you and your lady do a lot of role playing? She likes to. Looks like you like to. Jelly role playing, am I right? Like roll down the hill playing is what I'm talking about.

What do you do for fun? You have any hobbies, Brian? Hobbies? Besides hobbies, uh... Besides comedy, I haven't had fun in a while, uh... I'll tell you what he doesn't do. He doesn't own an iron. That's for sure. You come into Madison Square Garden, that's what you're wearing? This is a fat guy thing. If you sit down, it just creases. I can't do anything about it.

This isn't family court, all right? LAUGHTER The guy dressed up for Judge Judy, here he is in Madison Square Garden. Red Band knows what I'm talking about. Oh shit. That is the biggest insult I've ever heard land on, yo. Red Band. You look like King Koopa's agent. You play video games? Red band you look like King Koopa's agent

You play video games I used to not anymore what happened well what happened I'm too busy with what? Trying to make it make what? Make it in this tough world big origami make what wait what? make pasta Make some rice and beans, you know? Oh my god. Okay. There you go. Your scrambled eggs are ready.

That's good. That's good racism. We like that. You should have done that during your set. Be very racist and these people will love you. They will reward you Brian anything else crazy we should know about your entire life before getting you out of here When I had my mental breakdown, you know, I spent a few weeks ruined with a paranoid schizophrenic Okay

What was that like can you describe that for us? Oh, like what was the craziest thing that happened there? Well, the guy, he slept 23 hours a day and he'd mumble in his sleep, things like, I'm gonna kill him, I'm gonna kill him. I told you not to tell anybody about that. Well, you know, me and him, even though we never exchanged words,

we had an unspoken understanding. Every breakfast, lunch, and dinner, I'd give him my shitty hospital food and in return he'd tell the voices to let me live another day Wow Wow absolutely incredible this is one of the most psychotic bucket pulls in the show's history this is amazing I love it but you feel good now yeah I'm doing great you on they got you on like medicine or something? I got off of it. Oh, okay.

Yeah, it's not all good though. Right. Yeah. What are you doing to replace? What brings you great joy? What's the food that you really scarf down to make the pain go away? I'm a big chicken parmesan guy. Nice. Ooh, I had that for lunch today. to make the pain go away. Big chicken parmesan guy. Nice. I had that for lunch today. Now you're talking.

Absolutely. Now you're talking. Well, Brian, congratulations. You just performed at Madison Square Garden. He has a big joke bug. Brian. Keep it on. Keep it on.

Oyola. You are a true warrior, brother. Keep it going. Time for another Golden Tiga winner, ladies and gentlemen. You're about to witness history as, of course, these guys. This is their first time performing at a place like this. Perhaps one of the funniest Golden Ticket winners in the entire history of the show.

This guy always fucking kills it. Make some noise for the MSG debut of Martin Phillips. Wow. Oh man, cool. Nice. Good night. Cool. Okay.

Yeah. What's up? Okay. Hey, how are you? Oh man, cool, nice, good night, cool, okay, yeah, what's up, okay, okay, wait let me do the... That's the minute. I went to pee and there's a work divider between the urinals. That's the worst. Now the guys can see me look at their dick, you know? I had to be discreet.

There is a, they had the wheelchair rugby, which is crazy, because that's how they ended up in the wheelchair. I went to a funeral, and the guy in Stanley were apes, and I don't care, I just don't know what to say, you know? I was gonna be like, oh, we'll see him again. Guess not, I don't know. He said, my better play, I guess, guess not.

So, so I just said, the end. Okay, thank you. Thank you. Wow, boom. Yeah. Another amazing set by Martin Phillips. I love it. Martin, how does it feel?

Oh, I can't even say words. I love it. We're just catching a whore. So cool. Yeah. Dude, coming all the way from Austin, right? Yeah. Give it up for whoever sat next to him on the flight.

You're very funny. Very funny. Jokes are tight. Punch lines are right there. You're the only guy though who's tougher to understand than me. Right. But I love it, I love it.

I got it all though, I got it all. How old are you? I'm not a day, it's in a few days. I'll be, yeah. I'm not bad. Yeah. True American. Yeah, 34 in a few days.

44? 34, 34. Uh oh, few days 44 34 34. Oh No, love. Yeah, 34. All right. What do you do for your birthday? Oh Well, this is good enough for me Well earned Joe I knew you'd like him since you both have the same fear. Stairs. Oh, come up here. Oh, God, come down. Oh, it was tough, right?

It was challenging us. Come down. Oh, geez. Yeah. You want to race someday? I think I could beat you. I think I could beat you. Let's fucking do it right now, you piece of shit. Let's do it. Of course you're going to beat him. Wow. You guys having a race?

Oh my God. They're figuring it out. It's how crazy this show is. You're about to watch the President of the United States race a man with full-blown cerebral palsy, ladies and gentlemen. This is what you paid the big bucks for Shout out the ticket master platinum and here we go

Wow. Wow. Oh. Martin, Martin, make sure, even though you've won the race, he'll say he won and it won't matter that you won. That happens sometimes with this guy. Now, me and Trump race. No. Can I ask you a personal question Now, me and Trump raise. No!

Can I ask you a personal question, and this might be too intimate, you don't have to answer if you don't want to. Do you have a vibrator? I am a vibrator. Great answer. Unbelievable. Martin? Well, maybe this guy can use it when he tries to fuck his daughter. Unbelievable. Martin. Well maybe this guy can use it when he tries to fuck his daughter. I'm down, I'm down, I'm down. Or not, it was just a suggestion. Tony?

Martin, you did it again. We absolutely love you. Congratulations. This is Madison Square Garden and that is Martin Phillips. You're watching these monsters in front of your very eyes. Let's go back to the Legends bucket, huh? Ladies and gentlemen, oh my God. This guy actually performed last night night and he absolutely fucking destroyed, truly one of my favorite comedians in the world for a very long time, an absolute New York icon.

Ladies and gentlemen, make some fucking noise for Jim Norton! Thank you. Thank you very much. You having a good time? Thank you Tony for having me back. It's been my dream to work Madison Square Garden for free. Twice. I was reading something that really, really annoyed me today, so I'm going to start with it. Nirvana has an album called Nevermind. I think it's their second record. On the cover of that record is a nude infant floating in a swimming pool, reaching for a dollar.

That baby is now an adult, and he sued Nirvana because he said being on that record cover ruined his life. And I'm obsessed with asking him, who recognizes you? How humiliating for an adult male to step out of the shower and have a woman go, Oh my God. You have not changed. And according to his lawsuit, he sued like for emotional distress.

He said Nirvana promised that when the record came out, they would put a black sticker across the penis to conceal it, and then neglect it to do that. So I was talking to somebody and I said, I'm glad Nirvana didn't put a black sticker across the penis. And the guy I was talking to said, why? And I had nothing. You ever take a stand for no reason whatsoever? I just like arguing. Now I'm dug into this position. I'm trying to have a fun back and forth.

Now I'm aggressively advocating for more visible baby dicks. And I don't have children. I'm married. I only got married because my wife tricked me and she told me she was pregnant. Obviously I offered to treat her to a procedure. I'm like, come on, we'll get there early, we'll get ice cream, it'll be great. But she got very angry for me suggesting an abortion. She told me I had an abortion in college, which I did not know. Truly, I thought she dropped out of high school.

She told me I had an abortion in college, which I did not know. Truly, I thought she dropped out of high school. So we get married. Three days after the ceremony, she goes, hey, great news, I found out I'm not pregnant. Which was fucking infuriating. I was more mad at myself for being so stupid. Like, I don't know how I fell for it.

Like, I know she can't get pregnant. She's transgender. I don't know how I fell for that. How did I forget she has a dick? That's what I loved about her to begin with. Now, my wife's penis, which I realize sounds like the title of a progressive children's book. On the cover there's a married couple, the woman has a little tent in her dress and they're surrounded by a diverse group of accepting friends. It's a pop-up

book. But look that's what is, right? Life is random. You don't plan who you're going to marry. The first thing, you don't see somebody and realize that's the person I'm going to fall in love with. That's the person I'm going to live my life with. I didn't plan on marrying my wife. Honestly, the first time I saw her, she was just effortlessly winning a swimming competition. And I realized how turned off I was by all those second and third place losers.

All these women, oh, glug glug glug glug, water filling up their vaginas, slowing them down. And there she is, like a speedboat, with an uncircumcised rudder just cutting down the left lane. And I'm like, who is that gal in first place by 18 laps? Who is that? Why is J.K. Rowling calling her a cunt? Thank you guys very much, Tony.

Thank you for having me back. Come on, ladies and gentlemen. Big Jim. Putting on a fucking clinic two nights in a row. How loud can this place get for the great Jim Norton? Oh good Lord Almighty unbelievable a bucket pull has to follow that. Live from Madison Square Garden make some noise for Sid Claypool everybody. Sid Claypool is the fourth fucking pull here. Night two,

Kil Tony, Madison Square Garden. So my favorite part about driving on heroin is passing the drug to the breathalyzer. My least favorite part is walking the straight line. Can somebody explain Murphy's Law to me? Whatever can go wrong will go wrong. What about when shit goes right? Sounds kind of pessimistic to me because when I was eight my uncle tried to fuck me but I got away. Sounds like some rules were broken. My best friend he's a double amputee. His prosthetics they cost an arm and a leg.

aesthetics, they cost an arm and a leg. Who's charging an arm and a leg? Jeffrey Dahmer? All right. All right. Okay. Sid Claypool, welcome to the show, Sid. How long have you been doing stand-up? This is my first time ever on stage.

Wow. Amazing. What made you choose tonight for a chance to start? I don't know. The reason I even wanted to do comedy was because of the show. I love it. How old are you? I'm 29. 29.

Do you really do heroin? I used to. Okay. How did you get off? How did you quit? Do you really do heroin? I used to. Okay, how'd you get off? How'd you quit? Well, one day, the last thing, I got into a lot of car accidents when I was on heroin.

Yeah. The funny part is, it was never when I was on heroin, I was on Xanax or withdrawing. Oh, totally. Wait a minute, you're a heroin addict and you had a car? I don't believe that.

Yeah, I... If I had a... That's the first thing that goes with heroin, the car. This was when the economy was booming. Even the heroin guys... Even the heroin guys had cars and they were driving and we liked to have them drive. They fell asleep. They fell asleep at red lights and we got to wake them up. We'd say what are you doing here?

I'll tell you what we're gonna make heroin more affordable for you So you can get off your bird scooter, you know, you kind of look like Johnny Menzel Maybe Johnny can't sell a punchline though more like it. Somebody actually said that earlier The funniest part about when I got on heroin was it was like three months right before COVID. I just decided, fuck it, I should start doing heroin and then I got on it for a while. What's the best part about heroin? Well, I can't tell you the best, but the worst part about heroin is you can never do it again. What do you mean?

Like I'm not, I can never do it again. It's the mean? Like, I can never do it again. It's the best thing I've ever had in my life. Right. Have you ever had a Capri Sun? No, but I've had Sunny D. I think that's way better. My man. Wow, look at you.

So you really have a friend that's a double amputee, or was that just for the joke? That was me. I made the Jeffrey Dahmer joke, but originally, I was trying to think of an arm and a leg joke, and I was coming up with a joke with somebody that's a WNFT, and I couldn't come up with it. I thought of Jeffrey Dahmer, and then I just added the...

That would have been a bummer if he was here tonight and he couldn't clap for you. What do you do for a living? I... Brother, I'll talk about anything but that. I got a lot of stories but not my job. That's why I have a fake name tonight, honestly. Oh nice. Alright.

Whoa, mysterious. Well, hey, I actually, I have a story about last night. I was here last night in the comedic section. I didn't buy a ticket. I got out of here. I was here last night in the comedic section. I didn't buy a ticket. I got out of here. I was pretty fucked up. I was hanging out with a bunch of people. I was drunk as hell. I ran into some homeless woman. She was offering Xanax. Gave her 20 bucks, got two Xanax. I got pretty fucked up. And then on my way home, I don't know what happened I think I was checking

this guy's girl out he started arguing with me I started arguing back we got into a fight I threw him on the floor I punched him in the face and then his girlfriend started choking me out okay where's the good part of this story but she bit me oh yeah and then I spent last night in a precinct after the show last night. Awesome, dude. All the fun of... all the trouble of still doing heroin without any of the fun. Wow.

Does this sound like somebody you know? This sounds like Little Hunter, Little Hunter Biden. He's back and he's getting bitten by whores in the night. Hey, hey, he paid her 50 bucks on PayPal to bite him. He took care, I bet Melania bites you all the time. I bet you love to get, I bet you love it. Sid Claypool, congratulations on your first time ever performing. Here's a little joke book.

Boom. Sid Claypool, there he goes everybody. Get off yourself. That guy is a badass. A true American. Right out of lockdown, right onto MSG. You guys having fun here? We're gonna keep it moving along.

We're gonna keep it moving along. Ladies and gentlemen, here we go with your next bucket pull. And your next... What is going on with this dumb fuck show? Oh God! What the fuck is happening here? Oh my God! We got this many fat losers in one fucking place New York goddamn city this whole show has been a fucking debacle and I'm here to set it straight

Fuck you, you're ugly I Got something to say to you motherfuckers. Oh my god here. He is ladies and gentlemen kill Tony legend Ari Shafir this was not scheduled. This is a real interruption happening. Oh my goodness. Oh my. You got graphics, pyro. I'll tell you what, Tony Hinchcliffe. I see a lot of seemingly brave men up here, but I don't see any balls. Oh my God. Ari, we are under direct orders and I told

you this the entire show is under orders there cannot be they specifically researched the show and they said Ari Shaffir cannot show his dick and balls at Madison Square Garden no I don't think you guys understand. I'm not kidding. There is literally a $100,000 penalty that I literally have to pay if he shows his genitalia. They have very strict rules. This is the number one arena in the world,

and it's written in a con... Why do you guys want me to pay that money? What is wrong with you? I thought you were fans of the show! This is treason! This is real shit! Don't do it, Arnie. This place is in a ruckus. This place is in a ruckus. Tony, you put me in a tough position with all your gay talk there. I don't want to cost you $100,000 and I guess I'm sorry to you guys.

Boo! Boo. Your boos make a good point. This is Mazda Square Garden. When Jaylen Brunson comes here, he doesn't bring his fucking volleyball, does he? When Billy Joel's here, he wants to bring the violin. And I'm already Shaffir. No. Sorry buddy, I have no choice. I literally have no choice. There's 20,000 people yelling at me man.

Wait, what? I'm the president of the Legion of Skakes and I can't deny a chant! Wow! Think about the children, Ari! Oh no. Oh, it's happening! Ari, no! It's happening!

It's in paperwork! It's happening! My agents and everybody warned me. It is... No. No, oh no. No, Ari, please. Oh my God. Oh, oh, oh.

It just hit a man in the face. Oh, there's dicks flying everywhere. Oh my God. Oh, there's dicks flying everywhere. Oh my god. Oh my god. Yes! Wow. Whoa.

Tony, I'm a changed man. You're a changed man? Yeah, and I know you come from Austin. But over here, the men are a little bit different. That's the fastest transitioning I've ever seen in my life. That was like a drive-through transition right there. Oh no. Ari.

Oh no, I just saw this outside. I just saw this outside. Ari. Wait, that's a vagina all right has a good job you win the game vote you win the game vote by the way I still see a little bit of your balls by the way. If I get charged this fucking money I'm gonna kill you. Oh now he doesn't want to grab it. Wow you changed his monkeypox. I'll let you. Right in front of you. Is that real? Oh man. Oh my god Jim Norton is gonna fuck Oh

Man oh my god Jim Norton is gonna fuck the shit out of you I Think it would be a real shame if nobody stuck their finger in that oh My god The old canary in the coal mine. Oh my God. Oh, the old wettest of the Willys. Oh my God. This is Kiltoni. Please make some noise for my big brother Ari Shaffir everybody. What a fucking presentation. Oh my god. Wow. I love that man. I gotta ask, I gotta ask.

Oh my god, what a show. Who wants to come up here and see what Waffle House smells like? Smothered, covered, and pickled. You know what? You know what we've never done before is we've never had an Ari to Ari transition. We've never segwayed from one Ari to another Ari in the show's history. We have a regular on this show, ladies and gentlemen, who's taken it over by absolute storm.

He could be one of the fastest rising comedians in the world. He is on a one-way ticket to American citizenship. This is the Estonian assassin Ari Mati I'm a choppy chaser A little about me. I am a choppy chaser. I do have to say it's not too much of a chase. You have some snacks? You're good.

I love fat women, you know. And let's be honest, what really happens when women get fat? When men get fat we lose our dick and then we die. When women get fat you get more tits, more ass, more delicious. You can never put too much syrup on a pancake, you know what I'm saying? I love fat women! I like an Adele 2016, you know? With that juicy pussy.

I don't want no skinny Taylor Swift pussy dry. You can tell Taylor has that rice cake pussy. You eat Taylor's pussy, it feels like you swallowed cinnamon. You need a glass of water. I love fat women, they're fun. They fart, they giggle. They don't have any stupid rules.

I don't eat after six. No. A fat bitch, you put a donut in her mouth, a dick in her ass, and celavi. Thank you very much. Oh my god, what a fucking star. Thank you. This is unbelievable. Thank you very oh my god, what a fucking star Thank you, this is unbelievable. Thank you just un-fucking-believeable Thank you so much, it's crazy trying a joke for the first time in front of 16,000 people bro You really are an assassin it's already got fucking beats to it. You're absolutely killing. He didn't even know, you know, we had a great talk on the sidewalk last night in front of the hotel.

And I go, are you ready for tomorrow night as well? And he goes, you know, basically like, really? I can do tomorrow night too? And, uh, cause you know, I sort of surprise these guys with everything. I like to keep everybody on their toes. Fucking here you go, debuting a whole new minute thirty seconds. Because you know I sort of surprised these guys with everything I know keep everybody on their toes And here you go debuting a whole new minute 30 seconds He's Estonian is he yes, and who do you drive for uber or who? Dude you must be the ladies they couldn't get enough of you dude they every second of that. Thank you. You must be fighting them off. No. Not at all? It's

not looking good out there David Tell. Really? Yeah. Wow. And I don't have high requirements you know I like you know parallel eyes and a full set of teeth, you know. Wow. First time in New York, huh? So you said you love fat girls, right? I love them. Have you tried David Lucas? I could fuck David Lucas. You will, you will. Easy to change.

Well, not with that stupid laugh, but... Okay, which one of the presidents is gonna grant me a visa, huh? Oh, I think I know which one. The way you treated fat women was beautiful and we loved it. We want fat women to be very happy, we like them, but should they vote? I don't know. What are your thoughts on women voting? Well, you know, it's an interesting concept.

What's the biggest... Spit it out, Joe. What's the fat... I feel like that's what the fat girls say to you after they eat. Who's the biggest... Spit it out, Joe! What's the fat... I feel like that's what the fat girls say to you after they eat your sandwich. What's the biggest girl you've been with? I've been with a few tanks myself, you know.

As long as I can find the hole. We should bring Ari Shaffir back out here. Ari you've done it again. Thank you so much Tony. You're an unstoppable force. Thank you so much. For future American Ari Matty. And back to the bucket we go. Ladies and gentlemen, again, this is crazy. People having their first sets. People that have been prepping for eight years or more. Anything can happen. Make some noise for the Kill Tony debut.

A bucket pull number five, Tom Alfano. Everybody, here we go. We're going to meet Tom all together now. 60 seconds uninterrupted. Thank you very much. How you doing, New York? Anyway, a little bit about me. I'm actually married, which is weird, yeah. I don't look like marriage material.

I look like I'm weed material, right? Yeah. I love my wife. She's very cool. But you know, she's a little weird, right? Like my wife, she has this skin cream. It's called Snail 97. I thought this must be a creative name for a skin cream.

Nope. I read the label. It says, 97% snail excretions. She puts this shit on her face. God forbid I ejaculate anywhere near her face, right? Snail secretions okay, Tom Alfano secretions no way. That's her fucking motto. Anyone, thank you.

Wow, Tom Alfano. Welcome to the show, Tom. How long you been doing standup? Four years. Okay, all right. Amazing. That Tom, huh? He found the line in the crowd,

no snail excretions. Yeah, they got pretty mad about that. Yeah, they turned on you there. Yeah. Did you think about perhaps coming out and smashing a watermelon? Yeah. Yeah, that would be great.

That would have been a good... Or doing a per-champoo commercial. Yeah, thank you, yes. Does your wife ever mix it up and just smear her face with millipede shit? I don't know, I wouldn't put it past her, you know? I don't know, these ladies, but they're... Tom, is it weird calling a cat your wife?

Yeah, that's pretty weird. It is true. I'd love to know what you do for work. You have been guessing something in horticulture No, I work for the Nassau County government in Long Island. Oh my god What the fuck do you do for the government exactly? I do as little as I possibly can world's wackiest meter made what the fuck's going on I am a child of nepotism. My father was a New York State Assemblyman and then you know found myself in a job Bragging right that's the way the world works people a lot of government up. Look at Donald Trump, Jr. Right?

Would you don't ever fucking talk about my son ever? ever What are you doing here? I thought I drone striked you years ago. I Found this creature. He was in a cave. I said, get rid of him. We would have all been saved tonight from those absolutely embarrassing jokes. What a loser this guy is. What was your real dream? What was your American dream? It couldn't have been looking like Ron Jeremy with AIDS.

Could it be? What was your American dream? It couldn't have been looking like Ron Jeremy with AIDS. Could it be? No, I mean, I dreamt of being a comedian and being here. And thank God, Tony, you know, made that possible. What exactly do you do for the government with a face like yours? I I am a legislative liaison. Oh, whoa.

What do you do? Escort. Are you in a are you in some kind of like Steely Dan cover band or something like that? What do you do for fun? Oh, you know, I smoke weed and play video games and do mushrooms, you know? Yeah, why wouldn't you?

Hell yeah. The classics. Why wouldn't you? Tony, I got a question for the crowd. Can I ask the crowd? Folks, have you ever seen anyone shoplift a George Foreman grill? Dude, turn around and show them your ass.

That's the flattest ass I've ever seen. Oh my God, wow. There's a George Foreman grill in there for sure. That is absolutely. That guy shit square Wendy's burger. That is incredible. You do have what could be the flattest ass in the show's history. Yeah, you know. What am I going to do?

Squats! That's what you need to do. You ever work out? No. I am skinny. Where'd you get your ass? IKEA for fuck's sake? Bikini Bottom. It is incredible. You have a real weird delivery and tone to you. You're like the guy that molested Mark Normand or something like that. No. Yeah. Yeah. I get that a lot. Pedophilia. There you go. What is your favorite thing to do? What's your favorite when you get high, right?

What do you like to do? What do you like to do? Movies, food? Movies, food, gaming, right? What's your favorite movie? Oh... Have you ever seen Jurassic Park? Yes. I say Jurassic Park. What an amazing film.

It's not bad. It's been lost. It's a lost world now. A lot of people haven't seen it. People don't get it when you make great, great, some of the best jokes about Jurassic Park. A lot of people say it was one of the better jokes. And...

That's that. Tom. That's the end of that. Tom, anything else crazy we should know about you before we let you go? I used to euthanize dogs. Wow. This guy is terrible. I'm sorry.

We're gonna get we're gonna, we're gonna get him out of here. Here he goes with a little joke, but Tom Alfano, here he goes, Tom. There he goes. Make some noise for Tom. What the fuck? I never would have thought that about him. All right.

How about the legends fucking, huh? Oh my God. I fucking love this guy with all my heart. Another true legend of New York. One of my very good friends. You guys have seen him a thousand times on Impractical Jokers. Make some noise for Sal Volcano!

What's up everybody? Give it up for Kil Tony! A lot of people ask me if I'm gay. That's not the fucking punch line. No, I meet a lot of you. I meet a lot of you. I met some of you tonight. You'd be surprised how many times when I meet someone they ask me if I'm gay. I'm not. But I get it. No, I get it. I get it. I mean, I see what you see, you know.

Mirrors exist. Like, I'm never like, why do people think I'm gay? I'm always like, interesting. Let's chat about it over brunch. No, I really don't know why. I really don't know why. Maybe because I'm into fashion. No, I'm really into men's fashion. Like if I saw a guy walking down the street in a beautiful tailor's suit, I'd have no issue being like, should I suck that guy's dick? Those are some smart slacks. Should me and this man share a life together? Let me lighten the mood. The death penalty. The way I see it, I do have some thoughts on the death penalty. People don't expect that from me. They're not controversial though. It's not like do we have the

right to take a life? Do we have the right to play God? It's more about the last meal. last meal. We'd agree that this is a murder. A murder is about to happen. Why are we catering it? Why does food even come into play in this scenario at all? It's not even a fact that they get the meal. It's the fact that we give them anything they want. That's insane, anything they want. It sounds like we feel guilty. Like, look, we're about to put you down in front of these two folks for what you did.

But we're great people. So if you fancy a bite to nosh, give a holler. Anything they want is crazy to me. There were nights when I was younger at the dinner table, my mom was like, you're gonna act like that? Go upstairs. That's it. I didn't get dinner.

For light horseplay. This guy mows down a half a dozen out of Santander Bank, we owe him pumpkin ravioli? Who's running the government, My grandmother? You can kill him but you gotta feed him. I just took a 23andMe test. A couple surprises. Got back. A couple surprises. First one, 1% French. It's fucking 1%. Calm down. I don't know how that happens. How fucking 1% calm down. I don't know how that happens.

How does 1% even happen? Would my great great great great grandfather give a thumbs up to a French lady at an intersection? Biggest surprise 8% African American. 8% that's significant. 8% to live 40-plus years and not know that, that was a shocker. And before you get ahead of me, I'm not gonna make some... I didn't hear what he said. Well, all right, all right. Here, look, before you even get ahead of me, no, I'm not gonna do that, okay? I'm not gonna make some hack joke

about what African-American trait I inherited with the 8%. That's low-hanging fruit. You guys are comedy fans. You didn't come here for that. I didn't come here for that. I'm not gonna make that hack joke. I don't care what you say. But if I was gonna make the joke,

I'd tell you guys that I have sickle cell anemia. Only in my large black penis, though. Thank you, MSG. Appreciate you guys. Guys, how fucking cool are these legends coming in? Make some noise for New York's own Sal Volcano. Unbelievable, I love you brother. The great Sal Volcano everybody, and now we move to a regular. Ladies and gentlemen, perhaps one of the most powerful regulars in the entire history of the show. Oh my goodness, hey it's my my assistant Andrew Dice Clay everybody.

This guy did such a... Yeah Tony gave me the assistant job because I did really good last night right Tony? He did such a good job I gave him a full-time job as my new assistant. I mean, you are a little mad that I didn't do some of the poems. I don't know if this crowd would know the poems. Can I borrow a cigarette? Real quick, cause I gotta get out of here. Wait, just if I could remember them. Lil' Miss Muffet sat on a toffee.

Eating, occurred some way. Long came a Spidey sat down beside, he said, hey, what's in the ball bitch oh I gotta hear but hickory dickory dock this chick was sucking my cock the clock struck two I dropped my goo I dumped a bitch on the next block on the next block. Oh! Maybe they remember this one. Oh mother hubby went to the cupboard to get a road dog a bone. She bent over. Rover took over. Oh! She got a bone of a rum. Alright, I gotta get outta here Tony. Thank you for, I gotta get out of here, Tony. Thank you for the job.

God bless. Thank you everybody. Fucking New York. New fucking York. Ladies and gentlemen, the first ever comedian to sell out Madison Square Garden makes some fucking noise. Yeah, really.

For one of the best to ever do it, Andrew Dice Clay. What an unbelievable fucking cameo. Jesus Christ. What a show. And again, it continues with a regular. You know, it's a big stage here at Madison Square Garden. There's a lot of space to be used.

A lot of comedians, they stand in one spot. Some sit on a stool. Some leave the mic in a mic stand. I present to you someone that knows how to use this stage to its fullest. This is KC Rocket! I'm gonna to break you down so badly. All right. Oh, hell yeah. Very cool.

All right. Six laughs. Very fun. All right. Yeah. Just follow Dice Clay, just follow Dice Clay. Come on, man, get real. I'm doing protest riffs tonight, folks. I got nothing to lose.

All right, we're having fun, protest riffs. I'm like Bob Dylan when he went electric. I, uh... It's like I'm pregnant and addicted to air duster. I, uh... Couldn't happen to a nicer guy. I, uh... I'm not even a comedian. This is a fucking goodwill hunting situation.

I, uh... Tony found me outside Yankee Stadium just riffing in the alleyway earlier. Who's the crab guy? I just wanna... I, uh... What if Zabouma Fu was bi? I, um...

Hell yeah. Big Zabouma Fu crown. I, uh... No, it's not Zabuuma Fu was bi? I, um... Hell yeah, big Zabuuma Fu crown. Come on. I, uh... No, it's funny you bring that up. I, um... I went to the, uh, methadone clinic earlier, um... because Baby had the shaky, and I, um...

actually ended up getting a crayon stuck in my dick hole. Fellas, is it just me? Am I getting older? The crayon's getting smaller. I, you know, it's Biden's America, though. Uh... I... I...

Uh... Thank you, I'm KC Rocket, we did it. KC, motherfucking Rocket, ladies and gentlemen, has done it again. Appreciate it. Big riffs, big laughs. Dave, you ever see anything like a KC Rocket before? Oh my god, I'm still taking it all in. You know, years ago when you were with the Wiggles, I was gonna ask you.

You are musical, dude. Correct? Yes or no? I am musical? Yeah. I'm musical. You can sing, right? Yeah. Uh-huh. I could sing you something.

I could sing you anything if you wanted. Yep. That's alright. You have any requests? We'll circle back to it. Do you know the Pepto-Bismol theme song? Yeah, it's not just for kids. It's not just for guys. It's for girls too. You got it. Yeah That was the Pepto-Bismol theme song

Yeah By the way, if Kamala wins, we will make crayons big enough to fit inside your cock comfortably. You have my word. He's got my vote. What a guy. What a disgusting promise. We don't want this. No one here wants this.

We want colored pencils in this guy's penis. We need that. You can't say colored pencils anymore, Donald. Black pencils, the blackest pencils. Pens, we call them pens. We call black people pens now. That's a new, fun, racist thing I came up with just now. And please don't actually do that.

I regret this. My bad. Ha ha. Ha ha. Hey, Casey, can you hold those gloves out for a second, man? Hold those gloves. I picture you later in an alleyway giving Spider-Man a glow-in-the-dark hand job. It's Andrew Dice Gay.

Tony, tell him to stop. Casey Rocket, you're a fucking sensation. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie.

I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie.

I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. star, the shooting star, that was Casey Rocket. We love you. One more time for Casey, everybody.

And a bucket pull has to follow it. Representing section 108, row five, seat 13, this is the Kill Tony debut of Andrew Parker. Andrew Parker has been selected from the audience. Here he is. How's everybody doing today? I took the bus here today because there's no point in driving. And I got on the bus, it was super crowded. So I got a seat and right after the next stop, a pregnant lady walked on, so I wasn't sure what to do.

I did what I thought anybody here would do. I just closed my eyes and pretended I was sleeping. Yeah, but it didn't work out like that. The lady bent down and was like, I saw what you did, you fucking guinea. So as a prideful Italian, I did what I thought anyone would do. I saw what you did, you fucking guinea. So, as a prideful Italian, I did what I thought anyone would do. I looked her and said, hey lady,

fuck somebody with a car next time. Yeah. So, thank you. I only got a minute, give me a second. So, I don't treat pregnant women like this. I have three kids and a wife. But about two months ago, my son called me in his room at like four in the morning and was like daddy I'm turning into a skeleton and I'm

like you're not Luciano calm down and he's like look he pulled his pants down his head there's a bone in my pisci so I said uh alright let's go to the bathroom I took him that was it we go to school the next day the first thing he says to the teacher is I had a bone in my pisci, I turned into a skeleton. Don't worry, daddy showed me what to do in the bathroom to get rid of it. Now I'm the dad at school who parties with P. Diddy. That's my time, guys. Andrew Parker, rock solid set coming from the audience.

Holy shit, buddy. He laid it down. I got a question, Tony. I got a question. Yeah. A, what time does the Frisbee golf start? 12. Or B, what time are you massaging Russell Crowe? C, what time do you have to get Andrew Schultz's weed?

A little later. He likes it at like 2 in the morning, you know? Perfect. Perfect. Dude, that was like an emotional trip to Staten Island. Thank you so much for that. Thank you. Thank you. Awesome jokes. Well delivered.

Yeah. How long have you been doing stand-up? Since January, so like eight months. Wow. Wow. That's impressive. Impressive. What do you do for a living?

I own a med spa like Botox and filler. Okay, that makes sense. He's got great cheekbones, Tony. Look at that. Great cheekbones. Nice. It is incredible. How many kids do you have? Three. How old are they? Five, three, and one and a half.

Oh my goodness. Red Band is hard as a rock right now. A young dad. You're too American. Thank you. What's your, what's your, what's your, hey you got some tattoos, what do you got? I got a lot, a lot of random ones. What's your most, what's, what do you got? What do you got? What's the most random? Who's the guy on your leg? I got a couple of guys on there. Yeah, who are, that's a question. Oh, they're gangsters, like mobsters. Wow. Yeah. Like the Foot Clan?

Kinda like that. Yeah. Italian Foot Clan. Who is it really? Really, you want me to give you, you want me to name them out? Rat. No rat, oh, oh.

Donald. No rats. Oh my God. I'm joking, we love the Italians. We love the Italians. Even though a lot of them are pens I love the Italians too every Sunday I go to book a De Beppo with Hunter. Nice. Andrew what do you do for fun any fun facts about your life or special skills or talents other than stand-up comedy? Name's Silvio, but no, not much.

Just watch my kids destroy the house. I love it. Yeah. I love it. So nothing, nothing at all. I know. I should have prepared for this part. Nothing too crazy interesting.

You don't have like a fake train set or anything like that? No, no, no. No fake train set. He's gotta get home and put Christmas ornaments on his house. Exactly, it's early. I gotta start getting Halloween. Never too soon. I love it. I love it. Your kids all have Italian names?

They do. Luciano, Sienna, and Capri. Wow. Beautiful. Fuck. I've driven all of those cars Andrew Andrew Andrew and what is your wife do she injects oh she's one of the injectors yeah and you inject her filled with cum exactly we make a bunch a bunch right absolutely unbelievable Do you have any special moves in the bedroom? You have any special Italian moves like the

rigatoni and meatballs or eggplant parmesan? Nah, nothing crazy like that. I'm just telling her to get starfish and I just get down old-school missionary. Keep it American. Wow. Wow. Absolutely incredible. Easy, Dr. Fauci. Is your wife injected? Does your wife have the Botox? She does, she does. So when she orgasms, does it look like this? Stay plain still. Oh yes, please, don't stop.

Don't stop, please, more love right there, please. Oh, that's the spot right there, Luigi, or whatever the fuck your name is. Don't stop, Olive Garden. Oh my god, right there on the breadstick. It's like that. Very similar. Very, very similar. Amazing. Well, I mean, you might be the most fucking Italian person that's ever been on this show. I like it. You're confident.

Thank you. You're confident. Thank you. You're confident. You're funny. Very tight stuff. Very cool. You're leaving here with a big joke, but buddy, congratulations, Andrew Parker. Nice one.

It's time for another regular. Ladies and gentlemen, it's about to fucking go down. I present to you perhaps one of the all time great regulars of the show. You're watching him become an international superstar in real time. Made a regular after his first appearance, went viral on his first scheduled appearance,

and has been absolutely murdering ever since. Madison Square Garden, I present to you Austin, Texas' own, Cam Patterson! So, at the forum I had made a joke about having an abortion, and then that got really mad at me. And I wanna come out here and tell y'all the truth. I wrote that joke two years ago. And now I have a two-year-old. I was just playing the whole time.

And I felt that way two years ago. I wanted to kill that nigga so bad. Listen, I tried everything, two playing B's, I took that bitch to Six Flags every day. I fed her papaya every day. If you don't know papaya's called ms. Carrot just you welcome, right? I Tried so hard to kill this baby, and he still came out. He would eat listen to y'all something He looked just like me

Like that little baby is my pride and joy dog once there I Enjoy dog once there I do all this hard work for my son. I like Every day watching him grow up and shit. He just he just like me. He like rocks just like his father And when I made that joke people got so mad like you were fucked up person for talking about what that's how I felt But I was childish back then And now that I'm a grown adult. I really understand the errors in my ways you first say And before I get out of him and tell you I won't real thing. I just like dead to your face Fuck that baby nigga. He did his fuck dog

He dead as fuck, dog. Fuck that dead ass baby bitch. Kill them dumb ass babies, nigga. Perhaps one of the most pro-abortion sets I've ever seen. Hey, I think we found our new mayor. Absolutely incredible, Cam. You have done it again. I'm going to go to our presidential presidents here. What do you guys think about that abortion-esque set?

Abortion is absolutely disgusting and I've had several. When someone else does it I go hold on a second that's illegal. When I do it I go hey what would you do? You would do it. Everybody does it. We kind of all love abortion and I don't. Disgusting it's a sin. Me neither. I hate them. But if you have to do it, you do it. You know? The current president, believe it or not, he's still the president, Joe Biden.

What do you think about a pro-abortion set? Well, first of all, I only understood about the first six seconds it cam set. I Heard something something abortion and word abortion I'll tell you this much. Here's the deal. Here's the deal folks. I like your style I think you're making good choices. I think sometimes the baby's not supposed to be here I gotta kill them niggas dog. That's not what I said. That's what that was you said Todd you got a murder those fucking babies dog, right president

It's still not very close to what I was trying to iterate. You got a fucking obliterate Undborn babies. Okay. It's nice to see you cam Cam had a full night in New York anything crazy happening since you've been here? Nah, I ain't really. I went to the baseball team. The Yankees? Yes. Oh my goodness.

Wow. I went to the game. I had a good time. I liked it. Hell yeah. They got mad because I forgot the name of the Yankees. Fuck y'all. I enjoyed it.

It was cool. Hell yeah. I love it. I love it. Go Yankees. Go Yankees. I love it. I love it. I love it, hell yeah. They got mad because I forgot the name of Yankees. Fuck y'all, nigga. I enjoyed it. It was cool. Hell yeah.

I love it. I love it. Go Yankees, nigga. Tony, I did not hear a word of your set. Here's why. No disrespect, but the whole time I have a perfect view of your pants hanging down. Turn around and show them your undies.

Holy shit. Look at these undies. You got to see them. I'm not showing them. I'm not showing them. No. Come on,! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No Wow, that's like Baskin Robbins skid mark city right there. Fuck you, nigga. I don't need roasts. What's this? Fuck you, honky.

Fuck you, old ass white man. Fuck you. Yeah. I'm not a good roaster. I just want to cuss people out. Fuck, nigga. Wow. How about that one? You know what that one means? Put a ring roaster. I just want to cut people out fuck nigga. Wow that one You know what that one means put a ring on it

What does that mean? I want to marry you then murder you You know Kamala I have this exact same fight two days ago Cam you're an absolute fucking sensation. We've I've said it a thousand times, you're a superstar, you're a rock star. Great job, buddy. Great job. Ladies and gentlemen, one more time for Cam Patterson. And now, back to a legend that I actually scheduled today. He was in LA yesterday I gave this guy a call because I've been thinking about him all week because he's the first guy that ever brought me

To New York put me on shows in New York took me around New York One of my first ever mentors in the business him and I worked on about 11, 12 roasts together. A true one of the great kings of New York, a mentor of mine, one of my best friends, flew in and surprised me at lunch today with his presence. The executive producer and creator of the Goat Roast of Tom Brady, and all your favorite roasts

Ladies and gentlemen, this is the roast master general Wow! Wow! Thank you, Tony! What the fuck, MSG? How did this happen, Tony? How did this happen? You're up here with the leader of the free world, the Republican nominee, and a guy who looks like he works a Ferris wheel in Bosnia. David Tell, my brother, great to see you Dave.

Really, I can't believe that you're up here with, you know, you look like you're here to assassinate the impressionists. No, it's great to see Biden Trump and Vladimir Glutton coming together for a powwow. Dave. The Bumping Mike brothers have been reunited. Dave, that outfit makes a statement. Yeah, what is it? These kids were dead when I got here. Oh!

Come on, you can do better than that. Dave. Yes? Dave looks like he sells used respirators. Look at this crew, wow. Dave looks like the scab on Trump's ear. We all know Tony's voting for Trump, but his vest collection is voting for Kamala.

I love you so much, Tony. This means so much that you're doing this. I couldn't miss this. I haven't been on stage in a few months. I've been going through a health thing, and you called me yesterday, and we got emotional talking about our old days when we first came to New York. I got on a red high, red eye.

I couldn't miss this. You are fucking doing amazing things. I'm so proud of you. I'm so proud of you, buddy. This is incredible. Thank you, Dave. You guys know my oncologist, Dave Attell, everybody. Dave looks like the tumor they took out of my colon.

This is incredibly fun. I feel so lucky to be a comedian. I really do. Tony Hinchcliffe, MSG, making stand-up great again. Guys, literally the fucking man himself, the Roast Master General, Jeffrey Ross. There he goes. One more time for Jeff Ross. And it's time for another bucket pull, ladies and gentlemen. I do believe this is going to be our first female comedian of all of the Madison Square Garden shows. Make some noise for Alexa Samino.

Alexa Samino or Camino. ["SAMINO"] Oh my god, hey y'all, how we doing? I love you. Oh. So I actually just got out of a four and a half year relationship. Thank you. Thank you.

And it's hard when you're gonna spend the rest of your life with that person, you know? But having said that, I've been with the same guy for four years and I am so ready to see some new dick. Holy shit. Uh, no. I learned real quick that my type was anyone who needed a green card. Dude, foreign men hit so different, the migrant crisis has been like my favorite thing ever. Kind of like the Anthony Bourdain of Dick. Instead of a globe trotter, I'm more of a globe thotter.

The one thing that does suck about not being a monogamous relationship anymore is I have to buy condoms, which sucks. But a lot of European guys are not circumcised, so it's kind of like the dick comes with one. Thank you all so much. I love it. Amazing. Alexa Cimino, welcome to the show. Thank you. How long have you been doing stand-up?

Since March. Wow, you just started. Awesome. What made you want to start now? Well, I originally wanted to be a news anchor, and that pays dog shit. So I decided if I'm going to get, well, yes, so does comedy. But I figured if I'm going to get, well, I guess so does comedy. But I figured if I'm going to be working a desk job during the day, I might as well do something else. And I've

always been, I don't know, people said I'm funny. I love the look. Thank you. I feel like a Barbie. I love the look. It's sort of like I dream of Armenian genie. Yeah, do you always dress like a vase? I do, yeah. That's incredible. You're a real thiccy glazer.

Thank you! That's so sweet. What do you do for a living? How do you make money? I am a news reporter. Oh, you really are a news reporter. Yeah, I work for a tabloid. Okay.

Yeah. Great. Which one time? Which one? Highlights or People magazine? What do you do? What do you do, for who? Daily Mail.

Wow. Yikes. What's the latest, what, hey, shut the fuck up for a second. What's the latest buzz? Who's the latest, what's the latest tea? Ooh. Eh, it's okay.

I mean, honestly, so much of my day revolves around you two. It's not even funny. You are on in the newsroom 24-7. How's your ear? It's doing very well. Uh, he missed and we shot him and killed him immediately and... Ooh, you like that. That changes... That changes the way I thought about you.

I thought you were a disgusting bitch until... When you cheered there, it excited me, and now I like you. And I thought you did great. Wow, amazing. You talked about fucking, and we love to hear it, don't we? We love to hear the women talk about sex, and... We need more female comics to talk about pussies and sex. Thank you. You have any special skills or talents?

You good at anything? I'm a sailing instructor. A sailing instructor? Mm-hmm. Wow. I know. Okay. It's a fun time. You couldn't be an anchor, so you stayed on the boat.

That was funny, Tony. I deserve more laughter. That was really funny. Thank you guys. Thank you very much. Anything else interesting about you? A sailing instructor? That's an interesting one. Oh, this isn't my real hair. Oh Okay Him neither Yeah, join the club

Wow And so do you have a boyfriend if you settle down with any of these migrants you speak of no I I have like 12 boyfriends though. So it's fun Wow Jerry No, I have like 12 boyfriends though, so it's fun. Wow. Whoa, incredible. A jury. Relax, they know, they know, they know. She works for TMZ and HPV. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha You just performed at Madison Square Garden. Here's a big joke book. That's great. Oh, so close. Good hands. Thank you so much.

There she goes, ladies and gentlemen, Alexis Amino. She's a sad instruction. Back to the Legends bucket we go. Ladies and gentlemen, you're in for a treat. This dark force of nature famously closed out the Comedy Store for decades. Now he closes the shows in Austin, Texas. I present to you your favorite comedian's favorite comedian, a dark legend of Kill Tony.

A man who never holds back and gives the people all the way to the limits where they could possibly fathom. This is Brian Holtzman! I just wanted to fit in with the rest of the retards on this fucking show. I don't have a lot of time so listen, listen, listen, listen listen listen well Fuck Billy Joel Red band Tony your bathroom is not the bathroom when you he's in the bathroom playing the fucking piano Your residency is over bitch get the fuck out of here repeat after me put it on the screen Billy Joel go home go to fuck home it's not your fucking house

Brenda and Eddie can fuck themselves how much you want to bet all the handicapped parking spaces are taken tonight? Do you know when you flush the toilet in New York it goes straight to New Jersey and they drink it. And when they're done with it, it goes to Philadelphia and they bottle it and sell it to California. Texas is shipping so many illegal aliens to New York City that the Yankee Stadium has a green card night. Oh, you don't think that's funny, you fucking asshole? Did it go over your fucking head? I went to see that movie Oppenheimer. Can't these fags in Hollywood tell a story in an hour and a half?

Three fucking hours I'm waiting for them to drop those bombs on those flat-faced Japs. When are they gonna drop those bombs on those flat face fucking chats? You woke fuckers, you ruined, you can't even make a war movie now. So everybody's going to say it at once once put it up on the screen Everybody make believe I'm Billy Joel and sing along Billy Joel could kill somebody on Fifth Avenue, and you'd still buy Billy Joel tickets You know how many ushers have quit because of Billy Joel being here for fucking ten years Police officers are retiring because they don't want to work the fucking show.

There was a guy who was in Usher, he went home and he heard a Billy Joel song on the radio and he drove his fucking car off the bridge. How much do you like Billy Joel? Fag. You don't even jack off when you sweat. Do we really need women's basketball? Some flat ass skinny fucking bitch throwing a fucking basketball. We got men's basketball.

It's like buying an air freshener for a convertible. What do you do after you see a women's basketball game? Go in the parking lot and kill yourself? Women's basketball. Give me a break! Why don't you learn how to cook first, bitch? Why do you want to do men's shit? Why do you want to do men's shit? Why do you want to do men's shit?

I'm not used to somebody liking what I have to say. Excuse me, I'm startled. All you got to do in life is mind your own business, your own family's business. Be full of love and gratitude and mind your own business. I give abortions in my garage on the weekend. That's my business! That's just your business! I'm getting better at it. If you see that kid coming off the bus with the coat hanger hanging out of his sleeve, that's my work. Yeah, women shouldn't be doing sports.

It's like that bitch who was driving the race car. What was her name? Dac-a-de-back-a Bacadee, Bacadee? Every time she got in a race, there was a fucking accident, that bitch. 110 pounds driving a big, big engine. What the fuck? My sister never travels. My sister Terry is here, Teresa. No passport, hates to travel.

She was watching the Olympics and she saw that guy with the big hog. Now she wants to go to France and suck his dick So that's great I don't know why this is so low. I told him I needed it higher I don't want to touch it. I don't know how to do anything with my hands. I don't want to fucking touch it You want to see my impression? This is my impression of Robin Williams. He was a crazy comic. Oh yeah, he was crazy. He was crazy.

Yeah, that's for the real comedy aficionados My impression of Bob Saget What did you expect in a Kill Tony show, you motherfuckers? Sit down, you motherfucker. It's kind of hard to concentrate on what you want to say with this, you know? I am so sick and tired of recycling. You're not going to save the fucking blue planet. It's fucking over. Throw it away. Just throw it the fuck away!

I need gasoline, I need fuel for my car, I need hot showers. I don't give a fuck! How are you going to stop cows from farting? They say the temperature's rising in the ocean. What do you want me to do? Go down to 7-Eleven and buy ice? They say the temperature's rising in the ocean. What do you want me to do? Go down to 7-Eleven and buy ice? What are you telling me this for? I don't have an oil company. The water level is rising.

Oh no. You're losing the right side over there. Hey, fuck yourself! Ladies and gentlemen, the dark force of nature on the uncensored stream, the one and only Brian Holtzman, ladies and gentlemen. We gotta keep it moving quick. Ladies and gentlemen I'm gonna bring up one of our favorite regulars ever here to do a brand new minute singing if you know the words this is Hans Kim.

This is Hans Kim. This is Hans Kim. This is Hans Kim. This is Hans Kim. This is on skim, this is on skim, this is on skim, this is on skim, this is on skim. Hey! What's up? It's great to see the presidents here. We got Kamala Harris running for president now, which is a fucking joke. I think we should have a completely separate political system just for women. We can call it the WUSA. You can do all the layups you want over there. We're fighting for oil here. I think a president should be able to stand up when he pees.

I don't even know how women pee. I think they just soak their flaps and wait for it to drip down. But I don't get to see a lot of pussies. It's pretty tough for me. Sometimes I wish I could take a time machine back to my Asian ancestors before they left Africa and be like, stop moving right now. If you keep going that way, your dicks are going to get smaller. All right. Thank you so much.

Hans, we're running into overtime. I had to get the show over quickly. I'm going to send you on your way. There he goes, the great Hans Kim. Thank you guys so much. Another regular. Actually, let's bring a legend up. Ladies and gentlemen, we're moving fast.

You guys having fun? You enjoying this? I present to you one of the reasons why we're all here. This man's mother started the club that I was able to work this show out in here to grace us with his presence. Make some noise for Living Legend, Paulie Shore! I know we're in New York City and you're not supposed to say this, but thank God there's not a fucking another New York fucking comedian on this stage. I knew that wasn't gonna get a laugh. You're supposed to give me a rim shot right there anyways. So anyways, thank you guys for coming out.

My name is Pauly Shore and this is what I look like now. Thank you. A lot of people ask me every day when I'm gonna do another movie. I'm like, fuck, you fucking tell me, bro. You know what I'm fucking saying? I'm staying in the East Village. You guys know the East Village? I like the East Village

because there's a lot of hipsters. You guys know what a hipster is? They basically dress how I dressed back in the fucking 90s. I was there the other day, I saw some guy walking down the street and looked like a fucking Stephen Tyler's fucking microphone stand, bro. But I go to this juice bar,

this juice bar in the East Village, it's pretty fucking cool. You guys like juice bars? Where you walk in, it's like, zzzz like carrots, apples, ginger. The cool part about the juice bars, the dude working there can look at you and tell you what juice he thinks you need based on the pigmentation of your skin. So I walk in last week I'm like what the fuck should I

get? He goes bro you could use a face melter. I'm like what's in it? He's like cayenne pepper, oil of oregano, lemon lemon ginger. It'll build up your immune system. You have AIDS, right? My name's Polly Shore, not Tony Hinchcliffe, bro. Good night! Ladies and gentlemen, make some fucking noise for Polly Shore. We are in the speed round of Kill Tony. Ladies and gentlemen, keeping it moving, We are in the speed round of Kill Tony.

Ladies and gentlemen, keeping it moving, I present to you one of the greatest regulars of all time, Kill Tony Hall of Famer and Dark Roast God, this is David Lucas. Yeah! Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I think racism needs to make a comeback. It was better times back then. Because what would you rather battle?

Racism or this gay shit going on right now? racism or this gay shit going on right now? Like what's scarier, a redneck in a pillowcase or a six-four fag with a hard dick, you know what I'm saying? Like if LeBron James wanted to fuck you, what are you going to do about it? You going to outrun this nigga? You gonna outjump this nigga? No, you gonna be a tired fuck motherfucker.

Like that's why I love carrying a gun, you know what I'm saying? Because my biggest fear is getting beat up by a gay nigga, you know? You imagine some gay nigga grab you and put you in the head, I can be like, go to sleep, bitch. And then he suck your dick. I love having a belly,

because I can carry a big ass gun, I put it right below my fucking belly. And when I pull it out, my belly put one in the chamber, you know what I'm saying? It's like, what's happening nigga? All right, that's about time, thank you. The great David Lucas, writer, performer, roaster. Hell yeah.

Here he is. Here he is. Live in the flesh. God damn, we got loose neck harland up in this bitch. Hell yeah, that nigga got a pocket pussy on his throat. You gotta fuck that nigga Thorpe to get into the Illuminati. Look at that hair, it looks like a squid is date raping the back of your head. I mean the kids love this guy in the summer, man. They shove a garden hose up his ass and his hair turns into a water wicker

Dave Necrophilia is when somebody fuck your throat nigga I'm sorry, I missed your act. I left the kid in the car. So What's up David Tilt? East Coast I love it yeah it was cool man what's up Joe Biden Donald Trump what's up what's up David aren't you doing Disney's remake of the Kool-Aid man God damn Joe we're working on it he's gonna break in he's gonna break in and

he's gonna drink himself He's gonna break in and he's gonna drink himself. And... You know, David, actually, I've spent billions of dollars on climate change research to get sea levels to stop rising. And David fucked that up with one cannonball in the ocean. Joe Biden, you look like Mrs. Doubtfire's husband, nigga. Shut your mother. David, I know you're on tour.

Is that why all these Boeing planes are crashing? Wow. Wow. Don't clap at that bullshit. Fuck y'all. You're a good American. No, they're crashing because you keep hiring fucking niggas. OK. You know a nigga can't work on a plane? No, they're crashing because you keep hiring fucking niggas. Okay

You know what nigga can't work on a plane they can work on a Chevrolet but not a plane Thank you man, I don't gonna hate to cut it over time right now Another amazing fucking Austin comedian, it's crazy. what's going on in Austin with Joe Rogan. I would. Tony, I'd love for you to stop talking about fucking Austin for one second. I think it's obvious New York is probably the best and I will say this.

The reason I'm saying this is we don't have absolute cowards like little Joe Rogan telling us what to do up here. Little Joe, he came in and he said he wants to endorse RFK Jr. Can you believe this? Joe Rogan is an absolute joke and a complete pussy and if I ever saw him I would whoop his bitch ass. What a coward. Joe Rogan complete coward and it's frankly he's an embarrassment to this country.

He used to be such a powerful guy. What a great guy. What an amazing American this man is. Joe Rogan, what a true patriot. Great man. I would never, I would never, I would never, I would never, I would never, I would never, I would never, I would never, I would never, I would never, I would never, I would never, I would never, I would never, I would never, I would never, I would never, I would never, I would never, I would never, I would never, I would never, I would never, I would never, I would never, I would never, I would never, I would never, I would never, I would never, I would never, I would never, I would never, I would never, I would never, I would never, I would never, I would never, I would never, I would never, I would never, I would never,

I would never, I would never, I would never, I would never, I would never, I would never, I would never, I would never, I would never, I would never, I would never, I would never, I would never, I would never, I would never, I would never, I would never, I would never, I would never, I would never, I would never, I would never, I would never, I would never, I would never, I would never, I would never, I would never, I would never, I would never, I would never, I would never, I would never, I would never, I would never, I would never, I would never, I would never, I would never, I would never, I would never, I would never, I would never, I would never, I would never, I would never, I would never, I would never, I would never, I man is. Joe Rogan, what a true patriot, great man.

I would never say anything negative about this man. What a guy, what a guy. Everybody agrees this is one of the best guys we talk about when we say Austin. Austin, Texas is great great Joe Rogan is great frankly Joe Rogan is the best and everyone knows it and I love RFK who doesn't love RFK he's a great guy I know you were butthurt because I didn't endorse you as president but I do want to endorse someone tonight. It wasn't endorsing the RFK,

I'm gonna endorse this next gentleman. One of the greatest people that's ever lived. Ladies and gentlemen, Joey Diaz. Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God!

Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! The King has arrived!

What's happening? Joey Diaz! Fucking light, what the fuck is going on here? One more time! Kill Tony and Brian! Putting this fucking thing together one more time if I'm your president we're gonna get down we're gonna bring New York to what it was we're gonna throw the fucking migrants out. Anyway, I

Love you motherfuckers. I grew up in this bitch. You understand me? One time I came in here I had so many quail who's in me they put me in a handicap section They're like go over there. You're too fucked up up another time I used to come here for the fucking circus let me tell you something they had no fucking net they weren't pussies if the guy fell fucking the clown swept them off and then they gave him to a fucking lion kids would be crying your kids from the Bronx will be cheering, yeah, yeah, kill the fucking, whatever his name is, the fucking wizard. I love you motherfuckers.

Joe Diaz for president, 2025. Joey Diaz, ladies and gentlemen, one last special treat before we put a ribbon on this thing. Joey, come hang out with us real quick. Joey, Joey. Joey, come back. All right. Ladies and gentlemen, one last special treat for you. Here to throw out some custom kill Tony fucking footballs to the audience

I'd like to present to you the quarterback of the New York Jets USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! Let's get that promo going while this is happening. Ladies and gentlemen, Aaron fucking Rogers, Donald Trump, Joe Biden, Shane Gillis, Adam Ray, The Great David Tell, Joe Rogan, Brian Holtzman, Cam Patterson, Casey Rocket, Hans Kam, Pauly Shore, Jeff Ross, Sal Volcano, Ari Matty, Ari Shaffir, Jim Norton, Martin Phillips, Jonah Rosa, Aaron Dees, D Madness, Woo! Burrows, Burrows Horns, Michael Gonzalez on the drums, Heidi and Valerie Vaughn, the Ring Girls, the great Jetski Johnson, the artists, Ryan J. Ebelt, Chris Rogers with art.

What a fucking blowout. We love you. God bless New York City. We fucking did it. Comedy history. We love you. Maybe we'll do it again next year, huh? We love you. Thank you. Yeah, we're going to the HGV Center again.

Tickets go on sale next week. New Year's Eve in Austin, Texas. Thank you to Notorious Productions, the Comedy Store, the entire Shore family. One more time for Hall of Famer Adam Ray. Shane Gillis, the Roast Master General Jeffrey Ross. Two amazing nights from Jim Northen. Brian Redvan, I'm Sony Hinchcliff.

Thank you, New York, I love you! Thanks for watching! you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you