KILL TONY - #683 - TOM SEGURA

Starting point is 00:00:00 Tony. Hey, this is Redman, coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Get up for Tony, it's Clash! Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? Fuck yeah! Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? Fuck yeah! Yeah! Make some noise for Brian Red Band, ladies and gentlemen. And how about some noise for the best damn band in the land?

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Starting point is 00:03:05 sometimes we have two, sometimes we have one that is so good that I just like to fucking hang out, let the show breathe, make it about the bucket pools and the regulars, and fucking jam with one of our favorite comedians in the world. Ladies and gentlemen, you know him from all of his hit, absolute hit specials, his hit podcast, The Man Is Untouchable, and it is Austin's own Tom Segura. Oh my God.

Starting point is 00:03:40 Let's fucking go, baby. Yes. Oh my God. Let's fucking go, baby. Yes. Resident of Austin, Texas, doing the Moody Center February 22nd here in beautiful Austin. The Ball Arena, September 14th. Huge shit happening. Welcome back, Tom. Thanks for having me.

Starting point is 00:04:09 Am I supposed to sit here or here? Let's sit here. Oh, okay. Stay cozy just in case someone, Hank, Oh, I like being next to you. comes in, joins us later. Welcome, Tom. Thanks for having me.

Starting point is 00:04:18 You've been on the show numerous times. I have. We're so excited to have you here at Home Base where sometimes crazy shit really happens. I have seen some crazy shit on your show. Yeah. We can have, you know... Some derelicts that fucking walk out.

Starting point is 00:04:32 Yeah. Sometimes I'm able to get some real answers out of these people here, these bucket pools, and find out more about them that we can't find out in the nervous arenas or even at the ACL Live Theater that we did that one time. That's right. So we're gonna try to make some magic happen here tonight. in the nervous arenas or even at the ACL live theater that we did that one time. So we're gonna try to make some magic happen here tonight.

Starting point is 00:04:47 252 human beings' names are inside of this bucket. Most of them piled into the bar across the street, in which we have a wrangler go and grab them after I pull their name out. Some of them, a few of them assuredly, are inside. Anybody inside sign up tonight? Clap your hands. Oh yeah, look at that retard.

Starting point is 00:05:10 Fingers crossed that we get someone from the bar across the street. If I pull someone's name out of the bucket, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know their time is up when you hear the sound of a kitty. That means they have to wrap it up then, or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear,

Starting point is 00:05:27 which interrupts them abruptly. And then I interview them, and we find out more about them. We talk to them about what makes their lives special. Who knows? Maybe as of late, there's been trivia, there's been spelling bees. Anything can happen. Ladies and gentlemen, are you guys ready to start tonight's show? I pulled the first name, they're wrangling that person from across the street.

Starting point is 00:05:51 While that happens, why don't we get one of our regulars up here, huh? You guys are fans of this show, right? How many of you watch every week? Well, then I think you will be very excited to find out that the first comedian doing a non- uninterrupted 60 seconds tonight is an instant legend on the show.

Starting point is 00:06:10 Ladies and gentlemen, as you know, he is in a hurry to become a citizen of the United States of America. I present to you the Estonian assassin Ari Mary! -♪ What's up? I just moved to Texas. I love it. Bucky's all day. What I love about Texas is that you guys

Starting point is 00:06:44 are, like, proud to be American and I love that energy you know because the first time I came to America this was a couple of years ago I went to Seattle very different vibe dude I go to Seattle I I'm hyped. I'm ready to get off the plane I watched Saving Pride ride back to back three times. I'm hyped! I'm ready to shoot somebody, you know. Let's fucking storm the capital and shit. And then I get to Seattle, everybody walks around.

Starting point is 00:07:25 Every bitch I met had like green hair. Such low blood pressure, you know. Every conversation I had in Seattle, they were all like, you know, America is built on a racist agenda. Who gives a fuck? You're here on the winning side. If you don't like America, go check out Ukraine. Try to get an oatmeal latte

Starting point is 00:08:00 in downtown Kiev. You ungrateful bitch if you don't like America give me your passport thank you very much oh my god he's done it again the full flex one minute 45 seconds the bear is afraid of Ari Matty. He goes in hiding. Tom, this is your first time. That was my first time.

Starting point is 00:08:29 Yeah, yeah, that was great, man. And you know, your crowd fucking ate that shit up. Well, way to go. Hell, you say they fucking USA, USA, USA, USA. Hell, yeah. Oh, the lights went wild for USA. I love it. Very good. Fucking fun topics the whole way through.

Starting point is 00:08:53 You know, you mentioned Buc-E's. For those people around the world, a huge part of our listeners are global. I went there today for the first time. Oh, how would you explain? Explain your first impression of Bucky's? There was a rubber boat burritos jackets condoms gums guns a Holster for fish hook whatever you want

Starting point is 00:09:16 We got it It is what do you want? I think there was a hooker in the back for 50 bucks. Yeah it is truly unbelievable. I was there yesterday coming back from a college station. I went to the A&M Notre Dame game with our good friend, Shane Gillis and a friend of the show, Johnny Manziel. And I came back and I was so excited about this Buc-ee stop in Bastrop about 35 minutes out.

Starting point is 00:09:47 I get a Texas cheesesteak burrito. Has anybody ever tried this from Buc-ee's? It's unbelievable. I had that too, by the way. You had it? Yes. I mean... Uh, my European belly can't handle...

Starting point is 00:10:02 Dude, my little European asshole trying to squeeze out that American turd, brother. You can fuck me tonight easy, dude. My asshole is all stretched out, dude. Yep. Holy shit, I still have diarrhea currently right now. A little piece of shit in my pants. It really is one of those things.

Starting point is 00:10:26 The Texas cheesesteak burrito, while being perhaps, I mean, bite after bite, one of the most delicious things, it is truly risk reward. Uh, and that should be next to that in the dictionary, a picture of the Buc-ee's Texas cheesesteak burrito, because even my stomach, full of Italian red sauce my entire life and men's cum, um, I beat you to it.

Starting point is 00:10:54 I could tell the wheels were turning there. Son of a bitch. Tony's gay. There you go. Tony's gay. Tony's gay. All right, all right. That's enough. Okay, but even me, and I have a furiously strong,

Starting point is 00:11:08 digestive stomach, like it's one thing I just never have problems with, but even me, that Texas cheesesteak burrito fucks me up 100% of the time for a few hours. And I learned yesterday that if you do a minute and a half in the cold plunge after having one, you're good. That's what it takes. It takes 45 degrees Fahrenheit at 90 seconds

Starting point is 00:11:29 and it cures all your problems. The diarrhea goes away? No, I beat it to the diarrhea. It doesn't cause diarrhea. I didn't diarrhea in the cold plunge. That would have been a fun story. It becomes a popsicle. Yeah, a little fudgesicle, if you will.

Starting point is 00:11:45 I love it though. It's great stuff. You've been to a Buc-ee's. Oh, God, yeah, of course. It's an experience. It really is. If you come to Texas, you have to go. Absolutely have to go.

Starting point is 00:11:57 I mean, it's useless shit, but it's so fun. And cheap shit. I like their fucking swag. It's like a hat that's a fucking boat that's so fun. And sheep shit. I like their fucking swag. You're like, that jacket's... It's like a hat that's a fucking boat that's a cuff. And you're like, okay. And also, I don't know how the payment works there. Like, I could have stolen, like...

Starting point is 00:12:16 Hey, Americans, steal shit. Nobody fucking who looks at shit. I have a conspiracy theory. I probably obviously shouldn't mention it on this show. But I have a little theory that they purposefully don't ring everything up. Did you notice this at all? I mean, yeah.

Starting point is 00:12:35 Does anybody else notice this? Is that a thing that they do on purpose? Like, really? Yeah. Wait, what do you mean? I'm pretty sure. So like if you get a ton of shit, I think they go like da da da da da da da da. I've had it happen a few times.

Starting point is 00:12:54 And they go just have some of it? They don't say that, but they're like your total's $32. You have like a ton of shit and a jacket like that. You got the whole fucking jumpsuit. I got the whole shit. Look at you. How much was that? $12.

Starting point is 00:13:13 It is the most magical place on earth. Hot nuts and ants. And I've never seen so many fat people in Camel. Dude, that deer is gonna see ya. With your fat fucking face. This is big red fucking Alec Baldwin head. Hey Tom, you used to be fat, right? Yes, yes, yes.

Starting point is 00:13:42 But I didn't wear camo. I was fucking, yeah. Money makes a difference. Yeah, right? Yes, yes. But I didn't wear camo. Money makes a difference. It does. It could also help you get citizenship, so just try to get some. Believe me, you got a long way to go with that. But I hope you get it, dude.

Starting point is 00:14:00 I fucking hope you get it. And if you don't get it, just cover yourself in camo and hide in with the rest of us. Ari, Matty, you did it again. Thank you so much. Another brand new unbelievable set. Thank you Gil Tony. That was great. That was great.

Starting point is 00:14:13 I mean, the show has begun. You're in it. And now to the bucket we go. This is obviously the part where shit gets crazy. Could be anybody. Could be a star of the future. We found all of our regulars and gold ticket winners through this bucket. Could be anybody. Could be a star of the future. We found all of our regulars and golden ticket winners through this bucket.

Starting point is 00:14:28 Could be a crazy person. Could be a 15 year veteran that's swallowed his pride and come here to try to make it. Could be somebody who's starting tonight. Either way, they've waited for hours, they signed up and the moment is theirs. Your first bucket pool of the night goes by the name of Trey Campbell.

Starting point is 00:14:45 Make some noise for Trey, everybody. -♪ Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! and I saw a bumper sticker, and it said, silly boys, trucks are for girls. But I looked at the bumper sticker, and it was on a Nissan Altima. And I was like, oh, that's cool. This city's so progressive, even the cars here are trans. All right. I'm getting married. Whoo! Me and my wife were riding in the car the other day,

Starting point is 00:15:28 and she was all like, I need to go to church. I need a closer relationship with God. And I was like, you just overdosed on Whippets the other day. How much closer to God do you want to get? Any Kanye West fans in here? Kanye just released a new album on Vultures,

Starting point is 00:15:53 one of the albums, one of the lines he says, beautiful big titty butt naked women, don't just fall out the sky, you know? And I heard that and I was like, damn, those are bars. But clearly Kanye West wasn't in New York City on September 11, 2001. All right. Yeah!

Starting point is 00:16:10 Trey Campbell. Looking for validation throughout his entire set from Tom and I, paying no attention to the 350 people in front of him. Did not care if you guys were laughing whatsoever. I cared a little. Fully focused on him and I after each punchline. We have that bond, me and you.

Starting point is 00:16:32 Now we do. No, no, no. I was just trying to look cool. That was very funny, man. That was very funny. Thank you so much. Absolutely. Were you happy? Did you happen to be wearing camo

Starting point is 00:16:41 and a buckie earlier? Ari Matty describes someone that looks shockingly like you. It might have been me. It depends on which Buc-ee's you were at. Wow. Because we were at the one in Bastrop. Oh, whoa. Look at that.

Starting point is 00:16:58 Might have been me. Might have been you. You were there today? No, it was like a couple weeks ago. Right. Looks like you had a few cheesesteak burritos. Hell yeah. I like their pulled pork sandwiches.

Starting point is 00:17:11 Wow. Their pulled pork sandwiches go hard, man. Red band agreeing with you. They go hard going in and coming out. Wow. Wow, and they made you go soft. Look how- That's true. I don't know, man.

Starting point is 00:17:23 I've been doing pretty good. Yeah, tell us more. What has your diet been like lately? What exactly is it? Because you look like a leprechaun that only eats Lucky Charms, so... That is true. Back when I was a kid,

Starting point is 00:17:35 I would only eat the lucky, like, the marshmallows out of the cereal. Dude, we fucking know. Ha ha ha ha. Come on. Thank you. Come on. You would be correct. Yes.

Starting point is 00:17:47 Tell us some more of the wild fat boy things that you've done. Marshmallows only out of Lucky Charms. Can you give us some more examples? Well, I would take some of those honey buns, and I would put them in the microwave, and then I would take them out, and I'd put syrup on the honey buns. Oh, fucking hell, dude.

Starting point is 00:18:04 It's pretty good. I'd take him out and I'd put syrup on the honey bun. Oh, fucking hell, dude. It's pretty good. Oh my. Can you believe somebody's gonna marry me? Is someone marrying you? Yeah, I'm getting married. You're engaged? Yeah, I'm engaged. Really?

Starting point is 00:18:17 Yeah. Who are you engaged to? Her name is Lindsay. We met in line for your show. Unbelievable. There you go. Kill Tony, making miracles happen. Where did you move from?

Starting point is 00:18:27 Where did you move from? I moved from Houston. Oh, okay. I was gonna guess Oz. Ha-ha-ha! Yeah. Houston. That is incredible. And what does Lindsay do for a living? She sells, like, apartments to old people.

Starting point is 00:18:44 Oh. She's like a scammer? Yeah. Depends on who you ask. Okay. Why is she... Really specific. Yeah. Are you old? You want to fucking buy something? Like... Yeah, for real.

Starting point is 00:18:56 Just come on down, and... It's a nurse... I'll get your information. What makes her target old people? I don't know. I think she just works in one of those senior facilities where she, you know, I don't know. That's a senior home. It's not a... Yeah, pretty much. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:19:14 She's like the director of sales. Okay. So she gets people not apartments, but into a nursing home, essentially. That too, yeah. Okay. Absolutely. And you guys met. What was your big line with her? What was your opening line? into a nursing homo, essentially. That too, yeah. Okay, absolutely. And you guys met, what was your big line with her? What was your opening line?

Starting point is 00:19:28 She came up to me, she was like, hey, you're really cool, you're really funny. She saw you on the show before? Yeah. Okay. Yeah, she, that's about it. We just kind of started talking about like the Smiths. Wow. And the rest is history.

Starting point is 00:19:44 I now know what she looks like, justs. Wow. And the rest is history. I now know what she looks like. Just from that description, that's all that it took. Dark hair? No, she's got, well, she has like red hair. She dyed it red. There you go. Yeah. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:19:56 Uh-huh, a lot of makeup. A little bit. Yeah. She's beautiful. Oh, I bet. To be with, to settle for a boy like you, I bet she's a real fucking supermodel. Yeah, I bet. To be with, to settle for a boy like you, I bet she's a real fucking supermodel. Yeah, I think so.

Starting point is 00:20:08 Let me guess, 6'5"? No, that's close. Really? She's big? She's 6'1". You know this girl? Oh, yeah, I've met her many times. Wow. The Sunset Strip Comedy Club.

Starting point is 00:20:17 All the biggest comedians in the world. Wow. Some 6'5'' open micers rolling in there. Still a lot of space. No bumping their open micers rolling in there. Still a lot of space. No bumping their heads on those ceilings. I promise you that. Notoriously high ceilings.

Starting point is 00:20:33 A great place for someone 6'5 to perform. Incredible. And remind us, what do you do for work exactly? Actually, now I moved here, and I got a job in news radio. News radio. No better time. Perhaps a locomotive is next for you. Uh...

Starting point is 00:20:50 Perhaps the newspaper. Yeah, yeah. It's the way of the future. Radio. News radio. What exactly are you doing for news radio? Usually I run the board. I'll answer the phone calls. A lot of people call in and say a lot of crazy shit. Somebody...

Starting point is 00:21:07 It's a political talk show. So somebody called and said, Biden gave his dog cocaine. That was pretty cool. That's not impossible. It's not. I mean, they found it in the White House. So it's not the craziest thing.

Starting point is 00:21:22 Can you make a living doing that? Yeah, I make about 15 an hour. Okay, all right. I guess it depends on what a, she's gotta sell a lot of apartments. Living is, yeah, that's relative, I got it. How long have you been dating this girl that you're marrying? We've been dating since February.

Starting point is 00:21:41 This February? Yeah. And when did you get engaged? We got engaged in May by the Hi How Are You mural. Okay, and what made you do it so quickly there, Trey? I just, when you know, you know, and we just fit together. No, that's not true at all. I love her.

Starting point is 00:22:00 Yeah. Well, I bet you do. I bet you do. Do you have any inheritances or anything that you're looking? Yeah, I got some, yeah, I bet you do. I bet you do. Do you have any inheritances or anything that you would like? Yeah, I got some, yeah, I got some inheritances. Yeah. You want me to talk about it? Yeah, let's talk about it. Why not?

Starting point is 00:22:12 We've never asked that question in 11 and a half years. Who better to ask about his inheritances than you, the most adorable little fucking oompa loompa I've ever seen in my life. Incredible. No, my dad passed away in 2021, and he left me some money. Yeah? Ballpark it. How much? About $350.

Starting point is 00:22:35 Oh, that's pretty good. He left me about $350. Oh, you're being silly. Was it $350,000? Maybe.. Was it 350,000? Maybe. Okay. Any other inheritances? Let's go through. It's a little segment we call Trey's Inheritances, everybody.

Starting point is 00:22:53 Um, no, that's about it. He left me, like, um, he left me two trailers, and he left me some four-wheelers and a boat. Anybody who wants to buy some four-wheelers and a boat. Do you want to buy a four-wheeler, Tony, or Tom, or Red Ben, or... No, I'd want one where the shocks and struts aren't used by you.

Starting point is 00:23:13 I haven't rode it in, like, 10 years. You imagine hitting a bump on that... Get her! Fuck. That's funny. Are you living in the trailers? No, not anymore. What, did you sell them? Um, no, not yet. I'm trying to.

Starting point is 00:23:26 Are you going to rent them out or what are you doing? Yeah, that's the goal. They're just sitting empty? Yeah, they're just kind of sitting there desolate. A lot of my clothes are in there. A lot of clothes I can't wear anymore. Is your lip blue right now? Am I noticing this?

Starting point is 00:23:42 I think it's the black lipstick because I kissed my wife before I came up here. Oh! Wow, wow, wow. I get a little bit worried when she kisses me on the face, because she wears a lot of black lipstick. I never would guess that a Smiths fan would have black lipstick like that. That's incredible.

Starting point is 00:23:58 It's absolutely shocking. When I pictured her, I totally didn't picture anything like that. I think you anything like that. I think you'd like her. Yeah? Yeah, she's cool. Why do you think I'd like her?

Starting point is 00:24:09 I don't know. You just seem like someone who'd like her. She's 6'1", you know? Absolutely. Just because of the height? Yeah. Yeah. Have you ever 69'd with her?

Starting point is 00:24:21 No, we haven't got, she's not really, I mean, I would, but we don't really... Okay, looks like right before... We haven't done that yet. I mean, I, listen, I will go down when asked to, but we haven't... Has she asked you to do that? Yeah, a couple of times.

Starting point is 00:24:37 She, uh... Twice? More than that, I'm speaking in, like, you know, generalities. Yeah. Uh-huh. What, why'm speaking in generalities. Yeah. Uh-huh. What? Why have you... Hold on. Why have you not... You're waiting to 69 when she's like,

Starting point is 00:24:58 okay, tonight we 69? Yeah, whenever she wants, you know, I'm down. So is she like a dom? No, not really. But can you suggest stuff you like? Yeah, I think I should. I think I will tonight. Hey, look at that.

Starting point is 00:25:12 That's great. That's awesome. Look at that. Now, how tall are you, Trey? I'm about 5'8". It's 5'7". Oh, it's going... I'm about 5'8". It's 5'7". I'm about 5'6". There you go.

Starting point is 00:25:27 So where do you think things are going to end up when you're 69? Are you ready to toss her belly button? Yeah, I'm down. I mean, it'll work. You guys have had sex, right? Yeah, all the time. All the time.

Starting point is 00:25:40 Do you have any special maneuvers in the bedroom? Perhaps the old stir the pot or? Well, it takes me a while to get there. What exactly do you mean by that? It just takes me a long time to achieve orgasm and... You're like master control? I think so, it's the Karma Sutra. I'm usually just thinking about the Sacramento Kings. Um... Okay.

Starting point is 00:26:07 I really want them to win a title at some point. And, you know, I'm just always thinking about deer and fox, hoping he doesn't get hurt again. So it takes you a while to finish? Yeah. That's nice. Yeah. Um... Do you... Do you have any kinks? Do you have any weird kinks? Um, no, not really. I'm pretty boring, honestly.

Starting point is 00:26:27 I like to have, like, basketball on in the back. I like car crashes a lot. I like to watch car crashes. During sex? Yeah, you know. Fucking bodies mangled and shit. It's cool. It's cool. It's fun. I like seeing cars crash. Yeah, I like, like, I like... That fucking body's mangled and shit. It's cool. It's cool. It's fun. I like seeing cars crash. Yeah, I like them, too. I mean, they're fu...

Starting point is 00:26:50 Can you just go to the Daytona 500? I went last year. I mean, I wasn't fucking someone during it, but yeah. That is cool. That's my dream. That's your dream? Yeah. Just to fucking see a huge explosion, and then you're like, ugh, you'll knock your pants off. Essentially, yeah. That's like, ugh, you'll nod your pants.

Starting point is 00:27:05 Essentially, yeah. That's awesome, man. And does she have any kinks? I don't know. I think a couple, but I don't know if I should say. Oh, that's very respectful. That's your wife. I don't want to kiss and tell. Well, we can tell you kissed, so, you know?

Starting point is 00:27:21 Trey, Tom, you guys are never going to believe this. I was just informed in the longest way possible. Took a minute and a half. Took a minute and a half to tell me something very, very simple. But I have been informed that Trey's girlfriend, who does stand-up comedy, is now, right now, since they came together, backstage and willing to do a set. Trey, would you like to introduce your girlfriend? And then you just take a step to the right,

Starting point is 00:27:51 and then we'll interview you guys together. No, not yet, Trey. After you say her name, and by the way, your right is the other way. Okay, sorry, I'm just flexing. Yeah, okay. So now introducing his girlfriend, Trey Campbell. All right, this is...

Starting point is 00:28:05 Oh, here you go. It looks like... There she is. There you go. Say her name, Trey. Say her fucking name, Trey. This is Lindsay Tyree. This is the love of my life.

Starting point is 00:28:13 Here's a new minute from Lindsay, everybody. I'm already getting laughs. My name's Lindsay. My pronouns are Fee-Fie, Faux-Fum. Thanks, guys. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Thanks, guys. Holy shit.

Starting point is 00:28:48 Guys, I have this rock. I'm a lot like Cam Patterson, except for I am retarded. Anyway, I use it for stimming. It's an autism thing. And I rub it on my hands, sometimes like my face. I got this cut on the inside of my lip, and I got super sick. So I went to the doctor and he said,

Starting point is 00:29:13 I'm sorry ma'am, you've contracted the very first ever case of mermaids. (*audience laughing*) (*Toni howling*) (*audience laughing*) Thank you. (*audience applauding*) Lindsay Tyree, is that correct? Tyree?

Starting point is 00:29:27 Hi, Tony. Yeah, that's right. I love it. Welcome, welcome. This is your first time on the show, correct? Correct. How long you been doing stand-up? About four years. Where you from? All over the place.

Starting point is 00:29:36 I just moved here in December from the Central Valley, California, of Isalia to be specific. There's one person. Wow. Truly the almost frightening middle of nowhere. I've seen the exit sign for that city. Well, you see what it breeds, so. Wow.

Starting point is 00:29:54 Absolutely. I'll stick with stopping at a Bucky's. My goodness. So welcome, welcome. We just had a great talk with Trey. You work at some type of like nursing home or something like that? I do. I work at an assisted living nursing home. But for entertainment purposes, I sell cupcakes. So forget about the other thing.

Starting point is 00:30:08 Okay. Perfect. Amazing. It's true, Tom. They're delicious. I'll drop one off for you. Okay. Yeah, I like cupcakes.

Starting point is 00:30:16 Thanks. I'm going to go ahead and get a cup of coffee. I'm going to go ahead and get a cup of coffee. I'm going to go ahead and get a cup of coffee. I'm going to go ahead and get a cup of coffee. I'm going to go ahead and get a cup of coffee. I'm going to go ahead and get a cup of coffee. I'm going to go ahead and get a cup of coffee.

Starting point is 00:30:24 I'm going to go ahead and get a cup of coffee. I'm going to go ahead and get a cup of coffee. I'm going to go ahead and get a cup of coffee. I'm going to go ahead and get a cup of coffee. I'm going to go ahead and get a cup of coffee. Okay, perfect. Uh, amazing. It's true, Tom. They're delicious. I'll drop one off for you. Okay. Yeah, I like cupcakes. Thanks. Chocolate peanut butter. You make them? I do. They're organic and from scratch, even though they're not really organic,

Starting point is 00:30:37 but don't tell any of my customers that. Oh, you just threw the label on there? That's cool. That's small business, baby. Yeah, that's cool. Wow, I like your style. So, that's cool. Oh, wow. I like your style. So, just to be clear, she is a scammer. Like, I don't know... Yeah.

Starting point is 00:30:51 Wow. I bought the sugar at Whole Foods. Amazing. Not only does she make cupcakes, she's also marrying one by the looks of things. That's amazing. You specialize in cupcakes and muffin tops. This is great.

Starting point is 00:31:06 Lindsay, what do you do for fun? Uh, this, uh, I have a shit ton of cats and a dog that I pay attention to, so... A shit ton of cats? Two cats? That's two. That's one too many, right? Trey almost fell off the stage making sure we knew it was only two cats.

Starting point is 00:31:24 Please don't fall, Trey. So you live with three pussies. I almost fell off the stage making sure we knew it was only two cats. Please don't fall, Trey. So you live with three pussies, that's incredible. Incredible, Lindsay. One dog? One dog. I love it, I love it. What kind of dog?

Starting point is 00:31:40 The vet said that he's a, was a husky, hound mix. He's just a- Are we talking about hound mix? He's just a- Are we talking about Trey again? He's definitely a husky. He's a husky and a little hound dog, am I right? Ain't nothing but a hound dog. Look at you two.

Starting point is 00:31:56 What kind of mattress do you guys use exactly? We're in a California King, so. Wow. Is that your order at In-N-Out, or what is that exactly? I like Whataburger, so... You're a Whataburger guy? Yeah, all day. Can I ask, Lindsay, where do you stand on this

Starting point is 00:32:16 coming from the middle of California? Whataburger or In-N-Out? There's only one correct answer, and it's not Whataburger. Go ahead and answer. Hi, Tony. I'm just fat enough to be able to answer this question accurately. Uh-huh. The Whataburger chicken is better,

Starting point is 00:32:29 and the In-N-Out burgers are better. I'll actually take that answer and accept it. The grilled chicken at Whataburger, you got to lose the bun, or else you immediately get cancer. That's how that works. Lindsay, you and Trey got engaged very fast, very quickly. How did it make you feel when he proposed to you?

Starting point is 00:32:53 Were you expecting it? Were you surprised? Tell us a little bit about the insight, because we didn't get too much into detail about it. I mean, I was surprised. It was, uh... Did he even have to get down on one knee? The height disadvantage here makes it so that I feel like he could have stood straight up. He's shaking his head no. You didn't get on one knee?

Starting point is 00:33:12 He didn't. He sat on the edge of the bed, and he's like, so do you want to marry me? Wow! That is fucking adorable. And did you immediately say yes? Oh, yeah, totally. Oh, my God. You guys are so cute. You are. This is incredible.

Starting point is 00:33:28 Did you know that you're 69-ing tonight? Yeah. Well, when you're as tall, when you have the height differential, it kind of always is that, but... That makes sense. You're saying that you fuck Trey upside down a lot. Yeah. When you have the height differential, it kind of always is that, but... That makes sense. You're saying that you fuck Trey upside down a lot. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:33:51 I love it. I love it. What other position you guys ever do? Reverse cowl? Pfft. Oh, oh, there he is. Ah! Oh, we came here to groan. It's a brand new, never heard before joke.

Starting point is 00:34:10 It only works when talking about sexual positions with a big couple. You leave out the girl. Okay. Um, all right. I don't really care about your guys' sex life. Quite frankly, I threw up in my mouth after picturing it. Trey, I would love to have you back on The Secret Show Thursday if you want.

Starting point is 00:34:28 I'll be there. Can I make a suggestion? Can I make a little suggestion here? And I don't book your show, but I have to say it because her opening joke was so fucking strong. I think that you should go fucking back to back, five and five for each of them. This way they get to come in together, a happy couple.

Starting point is 00:34:46 There you go. They're going, they're doing the secret show. Amazing stuff. Thank you. Here's a big joke book for you, Lindsay. Welcome to the family. You already have one, right, Trey? Thank you so much.

Starting point is 00:35:01 There you go. Congratulations. Thank you, Tony. Goodbye. Welcome to the Kill Tony universe. And like that we're three comedians in already. This fun train is moving along. This looks like a fun next bucket pull. Make some noise. Ooh ladies and gentlemen make some noise for the lovely Heidi huh? She's here live in the flesh. You could think about the Sacramento Kings all you want.

Starting point is 00:35:27 You're still coming immediately. There is no injury on that basketball team, which you can last through that. Hello there. This podcast is sponsored by Talkspace. It can be challenging to find and meet with a therapist that is the right fit. Talkspace is so accessible from personalized treatment to meeting online, from anywhere to the ability to texture therapists at any time. Therapy can be costly, but Talkspace is affordable

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Starting point is 00:36:29 Talkspace provides personalized treatment for individuals, couples, and the LGBTQIA plus community. Wow, that's a lot. Veterans and teens, as a listener of this podcast, you'll get $80 off your first month with Talkspace when you go to talkspace.com slash Tony and enter promo code space eight zero to match with the licensed therapist today go to talkspace.com Slash Tony and enter promo code space eight zero. That's talkspace.com slash Tony promo code space eight zero Ladies and gentlemen make some noise for the kill TonyTony-I-Do-Believe debut of Grinch Martinez.

Starting point is 00:37:06 Grinch Martinez. So there I was this morning at breakfast with my children watching Infowars, when I thought to myself, what would it be like if Alex Jones started reciting I-Spice lyrics? It would probably go something like, you think you're the shit bitch? Huh. You're not even the fart. Stay tuned. We'll be right back. I think Alex Jones is right, you know?

Starting point is 00:37:40 I think we should have a problem with gay frogs. You're a gay frog listening to this. I don't hate you. I love everybody. You know what I mean? Just keep it away from my young tadpoles. You know what I mean? I got young fucking tadpoles, impressionable. So I was at Chick-fil-A the other day, right,

Starting point is 00:37:56 with my wife and kids, which is what you do when you don't have the abortion. I know I was thinking to myself, why do they call it a Arnold Palmer? Arnold Palmer, for those of you that don't know, he's just like an old white guy, played golf. But Arnold Palmer, the drink is a mixed drink. It's a half and half.

Starting point is 00:38:12 We shouldn't call it an Arnold Palmer. We should call it a Tiger Woods. You know, he's half Thai, half girl, you know what I'm saying? All right, that's my time. Grinch Martinez, ladies and gentlemen. Grinch Martinez, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you. Grinch Martinez. Wow.

Starting point is 00:38:26 I mean, absolutely unbelievably terrible. That is incredible. No, it wasn't. Shut up. They all laughed. Calm down. Come on. People come up here with zero laughs.

Starting point is 00:38:38 Come on. Wow. Look at you arguing whether or not that was a good or bad set. That's almost never... There's a guy losing his mind in the middle of the room right now. They left, though. I mean... What? All right. Oh, my God. This guy's crazy.

Starting point is 00:38:50 What's going on? Wow. Oh, he's getting in trouble now. Forget it. Grinch, hello. How are you? It did suck, I promise. Hi, Johnny. Sorry. Okay. I'm sorry.

Starting point is 00:38:59 People weren't laughing exactly at the things you think they were laughing at. Do you think that Alex Jones impression is good? I've done better. Let's hear you do better. Try to do better. Globalist and Chinese.com's, ladies and gentlemen. I would bet that Red Band does a better Alex Jones than you.

Starting point is 00:39:13 Come on, over here. No, come on, Red Band. Red Band notoriously doesn't do impressions, ladies and gentlemen. Come on, ladies and gentlemen. This is Red Band doing Alex Jones. Black helicopters. There you go. No doubt about it. I was right. Come on now. Black helicopters. There you go. No doubt about it, I was right.

Starting point is 00:39:25 I was right. Famous non-impressionist, Brian Redband, just beating you in an impression off. Do you really watch a lot of Alex Jones, Grinch? How long you been doing standup? I moved here December 21, so February 22, so about two years, two and a half years. You named five different dates somehow. Two years, two and a half years. Two years. You named five different dates somehow.

Starting point is 00:39:46 Two years, two years, two years. Two years is the answer there. And how do you think it's going for you? Uh, just open mics, really. Just trying my best with open mics. I work, uh... Do you love it? Does it make you happy doing them?

Starting point is 00:39:57 Yes, sir. Okay. What do you do for work? I work at a pizzeria on 6th Street. Sorry about that. Oops. Did you hit the bass drum there? Accidentally touched the ass of my sister.

Starting point is 00:40:06 Is that your irregular heartbeat or the bass drum? I'm really nervous up here. Sorry, sorry about that, Mike. Sorry about that. Amazing. I'm gonna stay right here. Absolutely. You make the pizzas or what do you do?

Starting point is 00:40:15 I'm in the front of the house. No, no, I'm cashier. Okay. Absolutely. I've served you before. We've hung out. Yeah, we've hung out. Is that what you're saying?

Starting point is 00:40:23 You've served me before and we've hung out. Yeah, we've hung out. Is that what you're saying? You've served me before and we've hung out. Explain this hangout. In the time that it took for you to... Did I grab the pizza and then leave? You signed my autograph. I what? You signed an autograph of mine. Oh, the bill.

Starting point is 00:40:36 Yeah. Yeah, they had me sign a... What bill was that? Was that a five? It was a two. It was a two dollar bill. Yes, sir. There you go. Yeah, they asked me to sign a bill, I fucking did it.

Starting point is 00:40:47 And you took care of my pizza. I got one slice of pizza. Do you remember what kind it was? Yes sir. Why don't you say it, go ahead. It was a pineapple pepperoni. That is correct. Ladies and gentlemen, Grinch Martinez,

Starting point is 00:40:58 absolutely nailing. Cause he's just kind of- This guy's very mad that I had pineapple on a pizza. Don't knock it till you try it, people. Goes great with pepperoni and sausage and penis. Yep. Grinch, tell us about your love life. You look like you could be the third member

Starting point is 00:41:14 of the Trey and Lindsay, uh... There's enough room on that California king. On the third part. Yeah, nothing but throuple over here. I'm married. I haven't had the wedding yet, though. I just, yeah. How's that? I have two. Just the pandemic.

Starting point is 00:41:29 During the pandemic, I had two kids. In the middle of it, we haven't got married yet. But you... It's on the to-do list. Yeah, I need to get that done, yeah. Have you done, like, the city? It's hard for me to say that in front of all these people, honestly, to be honest with you. What do you mean? It's just, I don't know.

Starting point is 00:41:39 It's something I've been dealing with for four years now. I've been trying to get married, you know? Oh. But can you go to a courthouse? I can. I should. You're right. Well... You... You said that like that. I just gave you the idea of ideas.

Starting point is 00:41:53 You're right, yeah. No, it's just hard. It's just moving over here. I'm from California. I got you. Where do you live? You live here, though. I do live here now. Yeah, you can... I mean, you can just pick an afternoon. Oh.

Starting point is 00:42:04 Right? I mean, like, it's not that fucking crazy. What's been stopping you, exactly? You know how to get on a plane, right? You go to the airport. Yeah. So if you want to get married, you go to... I should go, yeah. Yeah, okay.

Starting point is 00:42:19 All right. What's held you up, up until this point, Grinch? Just hip deep in my two kids I'm talking about. Hip deep? Just diapers and just, you know what I mean? How old are the kids? Two and four. Even Red Band scoffing at you saying hip deep.

Starting point is 00:42:35 The man famous for saying wild shit. And trying to do comedy. No, I know. I know, dude. Sorry. So the kids are what? One and three or so? Uh, two and four. Two and four. Absolutely. And they're both with the same woman.

Starting point is 00:42:50 You've been together four years. Uh, six years. Do you always do stand-up in shorts? Heh-heh. It's very hot outside, Mr. Thomas. I-I hear you. I'm just asking. Is that your usual? I don't know. Okay. It's a thing. It's a choice.

Starting point is 00:43:04 All right. Sorry. Yeah. I'm just asking is that you don't know okay. It's a thing it's a it's a choice all right It is a thing stand up in shorts they say in the Italian mafia They say a Don does not wear shorts and in stand-up comedy. They say a comedian does not wear shorts. I remember One time at an open mic at the Laugh Factory I remember one time at an open mic at the Laugh Factory, 17 years ago, I wore shorts. And I remember thinking to myself, yep, this doesn't feel good. I'm never doing this again.

Starting point is 00:43:33 And it's almost like a sure sign that the person's a fucking lunatic. Yeah, yeah, no doubt about it. In fact, I was wearing a hoodie with my shorts that day. An Ohio State hoodie. I specifically remember khaki cargo shorts and where I was and the hoodie with my shorts that day. An Ohio State hoodie. I specifically remember khaki cargo shorts and where I was and the day of the week and the time. And I haven't done it since.

Starting point is 00:43:52 That's how traumatizing. Look how things change for you. Yeah, exactly. I put the shorts away, found Red Band, and my life changed ever since. William Montgomery, famous, wears shorts and a lunatic. He is a different type of soldier. He's an unorthodox weapon.

Starting point is 00:44:09 He can wear shorts. He can also look at notes. Two things that I refuse to do in a big set. Where do you find, like, where do you get up? Where do you try to get up on stage? The creek. The creek and the cave. Shakespeare's.

Starting point is 00:44:23 Talk right into the tip of the microphone. Shakespeare's, the creek and the cave. I used to do the Rapolo's mic, the Creek and the Cave. Shakespeare's. Talk right into the tip of the microphone. Shakespeare's, the Creek and the Cave. I used to do the Rapolo's mic, the pizza rib before they stopped doing it. What else? I had a, yeah, the Buzz Mill done. They called me over there. You getting up?

Starting point is 00:44:36 I'm sorry? You're getting up, you're getting up. Yep, trying. Okay. Is your real name Grinch or is that a stage name? So everybody calls me. That's what everybody calls you? All my friends back home call me.

Starting point is 00:44:45 Because you do kind of look like the Grinch. Yeah, look at that. That is amazing. That was funnier than all of my jokes. Be careful, you're about to hit that drum. Oh, right. It's fun to go by a name that, what's your actual name? My name is Pete, Peter.

Starting point is 00:45:03 Oh, Pete. Yep, that's nothing like Grinch. Nope. Pete Martinez. What's something crazy about your life before I let you go that we would find interesting? Uh... Right into the tip of that microphone. I don't know how it works.

Starting point is 00:45:17 I've been to Antarctica. Or the brick in the cave, but, uh, right here. I've been to Antarctica. You've been to Antarctica? Yeah. What did you do up there? I was in the Navy. I did a cargo handling operation.

Starting point is 00:45:31 They do it once a year. It's part of the US Antarctica program. It's my command, kind of. Why does everyone feel like you're lying right now? Because of the cringe. I'm always up to, I don't know, this face. It's something that's nefarious all the time, I guess. All right. You've been on this show before?

Starting point is 00:45:46 No, no, sir. Really? No, sir. No? No. Okay. Well, welcome. Here's a little joke book. Thank you. There he goes, Grinch Martinez. I'm gonna count that as a bomb. He might not think that he bombed.

Starting point is 00:46:01 I'm counting it as a bomb, and when somebody bombs, I have a special soldier I bring in. We're watching him grow in front of our eyes, a very polarizing figure, made a golden ticket winner just a few months ago. This is a brand new set from Drew Nickens. He's a Drew, what? He's a Drew, Drew.

Starting point is 00:46:20 He's a Drew, what? He's a Drew, Drew. He's a Drew, Drew. He's a Drew, Drew. Having two, one, he's a two, two, he's a One, two, three, four. Having a TBI in this platform, I want you to know, if you work hard and you stay kind, you can achieve any dream you want. Right?

Starting point is 00:46:39 Well, I want to accomplish like the ones before me. I'm talking about Gary Busey, talking about Aaron Hernandez, talking about Chris Benoit. But I'm not a murdering TVI. I'm a childlike TVI. If you can't tell, I've stayed in mental health facilities.

Starting point is 00:47:04 It's the one place where I'm the most normal guy in the room. I like the ones that are mixed with drug rehabs because it's kind of like a Taco Bell or KFC. And plus, druggies got to eat 24-7, so I get all the razor-brain crunch. I've never had a girlfriend, but I did date a multiple personality. Lola, she hated me.

Starting point is 00:47:32 Caroline loved me. I had a girlfriend four hours a day until Caroline got healthy. All right, thank y'all so much. I've been on my talk. Drew Nickens with another new minute. You know, thank you all so much. I've been on the talk. True, Nickens, with another new minute. You know, one of the main things, and you know, sometimes people say that my hearing's bad. I mean, I don't have great hearing.

Starting point is 00:47:54 I've been listening to loud music my whole life. But, you know, sometimes they're listening to a cleaner version of the audio than what we have here. And they go, how did they not hear? It's so blatant. Why they say what he say? But I'm here to tell you, I have no idea. Were you saying TBI?

Starting point is 00:48:11 Yeah, TBI, traumatic brain injury. Okay. Yeah, the people that haven't had a TBI don't know what that is. Oh. We thought you said TV guide, and it was making no sense to us. I literally thought you said TV guide.

Starting point is 00:48:30 And the people that haven't had a TV guide, I want a TV guide like Aaron Hernandez, Chris Benoit. I'm like, how did they have a TV guide? No, they didn't. No, they may have. You don't know that. A TV, I don't.

Starting point is 00:48:44 I guarantee you Chris Benoit had a TV guide in his house. He was just hanging out. Whoa, true, stop it, you son of a bitch, you crazy bastard. You, wow. That was great. So, you know, one of the things I would say is make sure when you're, the setups for your jokes, you know, that people know what you're talking about.

Starting point is 00:49:07 Saying TBI and you know, like you have to make sure you say, I've had a traumatic brain injury. And people will be like, yep. And then you're in. Cause if the setup, if the setup isn't clean and clear, then the everything else is off track. The payoff at the end, no matter how great your punch lines are, are rough.

Starting point is 00:49:28 Make some noise if you honestly knew what a TBI was. Lier, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar. Shut the fuck up. There are probably no people with TBIs. Yeah, exactly. But also you can say it once, the long form form and say or as we call it TBI's and then you have that for the rest of your set. Okay, yes sir. Yep. We're making Drew grow here. It is a it's a fun thing to watch. What was the TBI? The TBI, yeah. Can you explain a little bit

Starting point is 00:50:02 what here is it uncomfortable? So I'll explain a little bit I had a collision with something and it made my brain go whoop-whoop and so So it kind of changed who I was in a fact because you know some people they murder They get like really I just gamble a lot So it's an impulse control and stuff impulse control. I forget things a lot Frontal lobe yeah, yeah Whoa, you're smart. Well. Yeah, I've watched some of the same documentaries that you've watched so Okay, so how long ago it was about ten years ago, okay, so how long ago? Uh, it was about 10 years ago. Okay. 10, 11 years.

Starting point is 00:50:46 Is there anything else that changed about your life when this happened? Is there something that maybe you were into or something that tasted good that wasn't good? Like, what else changed? I didn't like sweet, I loved sweet tea before. Uh-huh. And then afterwards I was like, that's garbage.

Starting point is 00:51:02 Wow. My goodness. I found that I loved polka music after I got my head injury. Wow, that's amazing. Fucking dope. You love polka music? Yeah, polka, like, like a joke hitch. He loves polka cause he's from Serbia. I love polka. It's so fun.

Starting point is 00:51:22 You guys got any polka? How do we get polka wise It's so fun. You guys got any polka? How do we go polka-wise? One, two... -♪ -♪ Okay. -♪ You really do love it, Joe. All right, all right, all right, all right.

Starting point is 00:51:44 Well, can I ask something? Like... So... I do love it, Drew. All right, all right, all right, all right. Well, can I ask something like... So... Sorry. You look scared. No, no, it's not scary. I'm just... I got the sweet tea. Okay.

Starting point is 00:51:59 And I got the bokeh. Okay. And they seem... They don't, like, they're not, you know, life, like they're not like, oh, what am I going to fucking do now? I don't, you know, but is there anything of negative consequence, like a more severe thing that, I don't mean like severe as in,

Starting point is 00:52:18 I just mean a negative behavior that is a trait other than impulse. Yeah, it seems like you got a lot of good stuff out of this brain injury. You're a fuckin', you're an international comedy superstar. You're out here dancin' to polka, fuckin'. I deal with depression a lot. That's why I was in the mental health facilities,

Starting point is 00:52:37 and I deal with like suicidal tendencies. Please dial 988 if you ever have a problem. You can also chat on the 988. Is that a hotline? That's the suicide hotline if you ever have any trouble. Also, you could do... Hell, yeah, dog. Yeah, tell us more. Tell them what to do.

Starting point is 00:52:55 And you can also use the chat line so they don't have your information. I always use a fake name when I use it. I'm always Mickey. Mickey? Yeah, that's me. Mickey! How many times have you called the suicide hotline I always use a fake name when I use it. I'm always Mickey. Mickey? Yeah, that's me. Mickey. How many times have you called the suicide hotline?

Starting point is 00:53:11 Uh... Not lately. I kissed a girl a couple weeks ago. Let's go. Oh, really? Oh, my goodness. And I did a honk. Wow. My goodness.

Starting point is 00:53:29 What funeral home did you kiss this girl at, exactly? Wow. No, where were you when you kissed a girl? On the back of her car at a Cider Cave. Wow. In the back of her car? No, on the back of her car. She had, like, a PT Cruiser, so I was like,

Starting point is 00:53:45 lean back, and I had her right here. Oh, I thought he was about to play the sad music again. I was like, damn! Yeah. Wow. Did you take her to dinner? Did you go to... Yeah, we went to Terry...

Starting point is 00:53:58 Where'd you go, TBI Fridays? Oh, man, you're so good at this shit. We went to Terry Black's. Oh. And they hooked it up, dog. It was good. She didn't like banana pudding. That was a red flag.

Starting point is 00:54:15 Oh, my goodness. Big red flag. Who cares if she likes that? How do you care about sweet tea? Dog, if you drink sweet tea, you might be boring. I don't know. Unless you're in the audience. I love y'all.

Starting point is 00:54:23 Have you ever tried a sweet tea like that? No. I've never tried boring. I don't know. Unless you're in the audience, I love y'all! Have you ever tried a sweet tea lemonade or is Grinch calls it a Liger Woods, perhaps? He thought that that got a big laugh. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. I got laughs up here.

Starting point is 00:54:43 I love it. So, Drew, you kissed a girl on the back of the PT Cruiser, and then what were you like? I got laughs up here. I love it. So Drew, you kissed a girl on the back of the PT Cruiser, and then what were you like? You wanna take this back to my place? Did it just end there? Like, how did that night end for you? I was like, hey, let's go get ice cream somewhere.

Starting point is 00:54:57 You know, it's hot and heavy. And she was- Not heavy. It was hot and heavy, and she said- Oh, it was hot and heavy. Yeah, hot and heavy. Okay. Sorry, sorry. Enough about her. How was hot and heavy and she said... Oh, it was hot and heavy. Yeah, hot and heavy. Okay. Sorry, sorry.

Starting point is 00:55:06 Enough about her. How was the moment? Dog. Dog, I felt like one of those 90210 guest stars just like... I don't know what that means. Like, you know when you're like... 90210 is only awesome if you've had a traumatic brain injury. They don't play poker.

Starting point is 00:55:25 Anyways, but then she was like, I gotta go watch the newest episode of Big Brother. And then she left. Okay. I know. Sounds like a perfect first hang to me. Was she a bigger girl? No.

Starting point is 00:55:39 Skinny? Yeah. Tall? Black lipstick? No. No, I see what you're doing there. B-5-4, no! Oh, shit!

Starting point is 00:55:55 Fuck, yes! That's how we get them out. Drew Nickens, ladies and gentlemen, out on a big lap. We got him, get out of here! It's not gonna get any better than that. You know what? Let's get another one of our regulars up here. Ladies and gentlemen, when I say superstar,

Starting point is 00:56:17 I fucking mean it. In absolute freaking nature, this is a brand new minute from the undeniable Cam Patterson. You know what we're gonna wait for that we'll get to a bucket pool we'll do a bucket pool. Alright ladies and gentlemen reset your expectations because this is 60 seconds uninterrupted from what looks like a new name. Make some noise for Roman Schmidt. Roman Schmidt. -♪ Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo- that they're, like, racist and stuff. And, like, I can't say I remember a moment of racism,

Starting point is 00:57:05 but I also grew up Catholic, so I'm pretty good at ignoring obvious problems. Not true Catholic, though. Never done anal. So... With a woman. Um... I found out that brown eye was in reference to your asshole, which shocked me,

Starting point is 00:57:25 because my priest referred to it as my flower, so... So... Uh, living in Austin, this is my first, like, real experience with, like, homeless people. And I don't know about you guys, but I get called a faggot a lot by the homeless. by the homeless. It's to the point where I'm like, they know something I don't. I've never questioned myself until I got here and I'm like, is it the way I walk?

Starting point is 00:57:57 Like what? Thank you, I've been Roman Schmidt. Absolutely unbelievable. This is the second time you've been on this show, right? Correct. I'm the governor, I'm the governor of Wisconsin. I'm the governor of Wisconsin. I'm the governor of Wisconsin. I'm the governor of Wisconsin. I'm the governor of Wisconsin. I'm the governor of Wisconsin. I'm the governor of Wisconsin. I'm the governor of Wisconsin. I'm the governor of Wisconsin.

Starting point is 00:58:09 I'm the governor of Wisconsin. I'm the governor of Wisconsin. I'm the governor of Wisconsin. I'm the governor of Wisconsin. I'm the governor of Wisconsin. I'm the governor of Wisconsin. I'm the governor of Wisconsin. I'm the governor of Wisconsin.

Starting point is 00:58:17 I'm the governor of Wisconsin. I'm the governor of Wisconsin. I'm the governor of Wisconsin. I'm the governor of Wisconsin. I'm the governor of Wisconsin. I'm the governor of Wisconsin. I'm the governor of Wisconsin. I'm the governor of Wisconsin. I'm the governor of Wisconsin. I'm the governor of Wisconsin over two and a half. 22, two and a half years in.

Starting point is 00:58:26 And most of that was in Wisconsin? Yeah, two years in Wisconsin and the rest here. Uh-huh. So you've been here about six months. Uh, like eight, eight or nine or whatever now. How do you like it? The scene is super fun. The city's whatever.

Starting point is 00:58:38 I, I... Yeah, I, well, I do get called a faggot a lot, and I don't... Take it from me, Roman. That's every city. It's not just an Austin thing. I get off the plane everywhere else, and immediately the pilots are like, good day, faggot.

Starting point is 00:58:59 Enjoy it out there. 77 and cloudy. Good to know, good to know. I it out there. 77 and cloudy. Yeah. Good to know, good to know. I'll prepare. Yeah, it's not an Austin thing being called a faggot. I was hoping it was.

Starting point is 00:59:13 I was... No, take it from me. Perfect. Take it from me. And by take it from me, I mean this. Caw, because I'm gay. No, I'm kidding. All right.

Starting point is 00:59:23 Tom, what do you think about the young Buck Roman here? Yeah, that was a great set, man. Very funny stuff. Thank you. Very funny stuff. Where are you being called a faggot so much? Well, it's usually... Just walking down the street? Yeah, because I like to be downtown

Starting point is 00:59:37 and like right outside and all that. Do you walk on all fours or something like that? Sometimes. You got to switch it up. It's good for the back. No, it's usually like a homeless guy's like, can I have a dollar? I'm like, no. I'm like, faggot. And then they walk away. And it's like, that's cool, you know?

Starting point is 00:59:54 Yeah, that is cool. You didn't have them in Wisconsin. Where did you go? Where did you live in Wisconsin? Madison. Madison? Yeah, that's where I started. You ever go to Milwaukee? I never actually left Madison. that's where I started. You ever go to Milwaukee? I never actually left Madison. Oh, but that's because if you go to Milwaukee,

Starting point is 01:00:08 they'll call you a fag too. Yeah. I was in Milwaukee when I was real little, but I was not like anywhere in the city though. Yeah. Okay. Have you ever thought about beating the homeless guy to the faggot, perhaps saying, you know,

Starting point is 01:00:20 Hey man, do you have a dollar? And you go, no faggot. No, I'm too nice. I've been told. I've been too nice. That's the Wisconsin in me, I guess. Give us some examples of the nicest things you've ever done in your life, Roman. Oh, geez Louise. I took it.

Starting point is 01:00:37 That's very nice. That was very nice. You know what, dude? You're a faggot. Can I have a dollar? No, jeez louise. Tell us some more. Yeah, I actually say that a lot. We are faggots, dude.

Starting point is 01:00:58 I love a good jeez louise. Probably every day I say that at some point. Do you say heaven to Betsy, too day I say that at some point. My team knows. Do you say heaven to bestie too? No, that's... Okay. No, that's...

Starting point is 01:01:10 That's too faggy. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So give us some of the nicest things you've ever done. Um, growing up, I'd serve for a lot of funerals for, like, the older people. I'd do that all the time. You would serve at funerals? Yeah, I was an altar boy.

Starting point is 01:01:24 So you'd just my ass and... You served that ass up? Is that what you said? What do you... You know, I'm gonna... Yeah, at this point. But, no, just, like, church stuff and, yeah. Did a priest ever get touchy with you back in your altar boy days? No, I was pretty fucking ugly.

Starting point is 01:01:41 I was... I was a goon, yeah. But if you were an altar boy now... Oh, I'd have so much ass from the priest. Dude, I would be killing it in the church. Absolutely. Put a right in your Holy Spirit. I'm gonna make you a man. Let's talk about the dark side of Roman Schmidt.

Starting point is 01:02:00 Mr. Nice Guy, Mr. Cheese Louise, what's some of the meanest or nastiest things you think you've ever done in your life? What pops in your head? Naughty boy, Roman Schmidt. Well, sometimes when I struggle to sleep at night, I'll sit on the balcony of my apartment and I'll shoot a gel blaster at the homeless walking by.

Starting point is 01:02:20 Have you ever thought that maybe they're on to you? No, it started after them calling me that, so. Everything's tied to the homeless with this guy. Have you ever taken one down to the rainy street bridge, perhaps? I don't know yet. You guys gotta find out, wait till. But that wasn't great. Good riff by me. That was good riff. No, I... It's just, you know, late at night,

Starting point is 01:02:49 struggling to sleep. I'm close to it. They're walking by. They piss me off sometimes, so... How do they piss you off, just walking by? Just call me a faggot. That was... Oh. They just... Even in the dark... This is gonna end poorly. Yeah, I know. I've never said that word

Starting point is 01:03:03 that much in my life, so. And now two million people are gonna see this, and my mom, so. Oh, frick. And your priest back home in Wisconsin. Yeah, this is gonna be cool. It's gonna be awesome. Yeah, no doubt about it. So, we've seen the light, we've seen the dark side of Roman.

Starting point is 01:03:23 What about that 22-year-old love life? Prove to us you're not a faggot. Tell us something. I can't. I can't. Oh, okay. I wish I could, but I... yeah. I just go out and do stand-up every night, so I just... I'm not even, like, even thinking ladies at this point. You don't do the apps or anything like that?

Starting point is 01:03:45 I do, but then I just go on there and I just start criticizing profiles and stuff. I'm not a good person. What app are you on? What are you on? Plenty of faggots? No, I'll download Hinge and be like, why do we pick this picture and stuff?

Starting point is 01:04:03 Have you been on a single date in Austin? Yeah, I've been on a couple when that was about it. Where did you meet those girls at? I was doing an open mic at an R bar, and her friend told me she was cute. So I was like, guaranteed to get a number this time. How did that work out? What did you do with that girl?

Starting point is 01:04:20 We went and got food a couple of times. I guess this famous food place on the other side of the river by, like, the park or whatever, the burger place, but nothing too special. Did you land a kiss or anything like that on the back of her PT Cruiser? No, the front of it. But no, not with her.

Starting point is 01:04:38 I kissed some other chick, but that was... There you go. All right. It's not that interesting, yeah. Who was the chick that you did kiss? Some random? Some blonde random girl, yeah. Nice, that's cool. It was pretty rad.

Starting point is 01:04:53 Where'd you meet her at? On Sixth Street. It was... Just walking down the street. Yeah, we made eye contact and she just kept it. I was like, well, I guess she's interested. I'll try to get a number. And then same thing.

Starting point is 01:05:03 I fucking feel like we're looking at a future serial killer. Yeah. Yeah. I wish that was the first time someone told me that. I really do. Cause it's a nice facade and there's some real darkness in there.

Starting point is 01:05:18 No, this is, everyone thinks I'm such an innocent person. And then I show them like my TikTok reels and it's just people dying all the time. Yeah. Whoa. Yeah, there it is. Yeah. There it is, dude. And the problem is, it's not that it's them dying. It's me laughing. That's...

Starting point is 01:05:35 This is the good stuff. Keep talking. Keep talking. Yeah. Like... Like, one time, I was watching Saving Private Ryan with my dad. Yeah. Yeah. And I laughed at that. At the, all the deaths? The whole movie.

Starting point is 01:05:47 Yeah, the whole movie. It's a fucking real knee slapper, right? I know, it's... My dad... When they storm Normandy and shit? Well, what really got me is, I don't know if anyone watches the background, but one guy lost his arm

Starting point is 01:06:02 and then was just casually looking for it. Yeah. That's funny, looking for it. Yeah. That's funny. That's funny. Yeah, like, no one... And I was like, that's hilarious. And I was laughing a little too hard. Just don't forget how fucking dark you really are, okay? All this nice fucking Madison Boy bullshit

Starting point is 01:06:19 that you start with, let it go, because you are a sick, demented person. And that's what you gotta lean into. You're a dark individual. It is great advice. I completely agree. Thank you, thank you. There's two sides of this.

Starting point is 01:06:35 This kid's fucked up, man. The thing is, I know that, but everyone just looks at me like, he's approachable. He's like, homeless people keep calling me a faggot when I'm choking them unconscious. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. You got a big joke book last time you were on, correct? Correct.

Starting point is 01:06:53 And there you go. Roman Schmidt, ladies and gentlemen, has done it again. You're not going to invite him to your little show? Wow, look at you playing hard to get over there. Inviting your little show. Wow, look at you playing hard to get over there. Ladies and gentlemen, it must be that time. One of the most esteemed regulars in the show's history. I present to you the force of nature that is Cam Patterson.

Starting point is 01:07:18 ["The Force of Nature"] I'm trying to act this shit. I've been going to auditions. I ain't got shit yet. They don't want me. They want a different nigga. Every time I apply for roles, they always, I just can't be nobody but myself. I applied to be a British nigga a couple days ago. That didn't go good at all. I was like, Pimp Pimp, cheerio, fuck nigga.

Starting point is 01:07:48 They're like, don't do that. Ten companies pussy, it wasn't a good time. I also don't make good decisions. I recently told you I bought a 2003 Acura, and that was a dumb ass choice. I shouldn't have did that. I do like my car though, my car dope. I like it a lot.

Starting point is 01:08:03 My car is pretty cool, cause my car like a thug, you feel what I'm saying? Like old cars I do like my car though. My car dope. I like it a lot. My car is pretty cool, but my car like a thug. You feel what I'm saying? Like old cars are thugs in my mind. My car with them were two-part, got shot. It's seen a lot of shit. New cars is pussy. Real shit.

Starting point is 01:08:15 Like a 2024 car, pussy as hell, dog. If you could lock in a Tesla, it probably beep a lot before you put your seat belt on. Please. Please. Put your seat belt on and you're gonna die. And that 03 Acura, if I don't put a seat belt on, fuck, nigga, you wanna die? Let's die, brother.

Starting point is 01:08:32 I been trying to die a long time. Let's go, nigga. Ha ha ha ha. There he is. He's done it again. It is true. Everything you said is true. This is the truth.

Starting point is 01:08:42 This is the truth. This is the truth. This is the truth. This is the truth. This is the truth. This is the truth. This is the truth. There he is. He's done it again. It is true. Everything you said is true. The new cars is pussy. Took some notes here. They be-beepin'. They beepin' shit. They be-beepin'. My car don't beep for shit, bro.

Starting point is 01:08:58 It don't even tell me when the gas getting low. Everybody be like, you see the side needle? You see the needle, bitch? I want to eat, pussy, feed me. They don't tell me nothing. I like that, dude. I like it a lot, bro. It just broke down a couple days ago. It probably pissed me off. But I got to start that bitch with a screwdriver now.

Starting point is 01:09:18 But I'm having a good time. Wow. Yeah, I like it, dude. Is that because you stole it? No. No, I didn't steal it. It's not a good time. Wow. Yeah, I like it though. Is that cause you stole it? No. Oh. No, I didn't steal it. It was not a stolen car. I bought the car.

Starting point is 01:09:30 It might be stolen from somebody else. That's true. But it's my car now. I love it. And that's a newer car? No, it's a 03 Acra. It's the same one I told you about. It really is an 03 Acra.

Starting point is 01:09:39 Yeah, niggas think I'm playing. This real shit. Wow. You think I'm playing with that? I bought a 03 Acra. You stay true to your roots, and by roots I mean the movie. Ha ha ha ha.

Starting point is 01:09:50 If y'all don't know, that's a slave movie, white people, if y'all haven't watched it. A lot of y'all didn't laugh, that was pretty funny. Y'all was like, oh, what's going on here? Root is a slave movie. You understand that, Tyler? Hell yeah, this is good. That's a Tyler right there. That's definitely a Tyler.

Starting point is 01:10:06 Look, a damn short Tyler. I know a Tyler when I see one, for sure. Hell yeah. And that's Armando right there. That is Armando. I bet you're close. What is your actual name, sir? Oh, shit. What's your middle name?

Starting point is 01:10:22 Clemente. Oh, shit. Oh, close, nigga. Come on, come on. Look at this. Chris. Rodriguez. Garcia. They tried to hide that shit in the beginning, but you can't hide that shit for long, brother. You mess again, my nigga.

Starting point is 01:10:37 Hell yeah. That's hard. That's good. I'm Chris. Clemente Garcia. The old switch was real, dude. I think that's probably the reason why you need a screwdriver to start your car.

Starting point is 01:10:50 Old Clemente Garcia in there trying to get it started. I love it. Man, that's some amazing... Have you really been going on auditions? You have to send them in on tape out here? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've been trying, I've been trying a little bit. But I just sound like me been trying a little bit.

Starting point is 01:11:06 But I just sound like me, that's the problem. You what? I just sound like me, so I can't. It's hard, it's tough. You shouldn't have to audition. I mean, I don't know, nigga. This is crazy. We're gonna talk after this.

Starting point is 01:11:17 He be like, baby, do this shit. I be like, all right, say less. I try to be a waiter. I'm like, what's up, pussy, go your food. Ha ha ha ha. You wanted a cheese wedge, nigga? Here you go. So, I was like... You are a superstar, man.

Starting point is 01:11:31 They shouldn't have you auditioning. I don't be knowing! They should be writing roles around you or nothing at all. You shouldn't be wasting your time for these fucking Hollywood nerds. That would be nice. We need a urban character looking for a young Kevin Hart type. It's just crazy that your fucking stupid manager has you doing stupid shit like that.

Starting point is 01:11:53 It's unbelievable. But here's a little behind the scenes for you guys. This fucking, Cam's a superstar. He's a draw. He can sell tickets at any point in any city at any time. So these managers and agents, they fucking cling on and they go, I can help you. He's a draw. He can sell tickets at any point in any city at any time. So these managers and agents, they fucking cling on and they go, I can help you. I can get you a super deal.

Starting point is 01:12:10 Just give me 10% of your ticket sales and I got you. And then they have you exhausting yourself sending in tapes. Who's video recording these? Which friend on your couch? Do you have... I got a tripod and shit. So you're doing it yourself. Yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 01:12:26 Who's reading with you? Oh, Asana and everybody, people in the club. Okay. Asana and Derek and shit. Asana and Derek and shit. Yeah. Yeah. Very cool.

Starting point is 01:12:36 What's like the, is it mostly just that? Is it like, what are the characters doing that you're reading for? Oh, one of them, I was trying to be a moose in the show. A moose? Yeah. But I couldn't do like a moose voice. It was like for an animated thing.

Starting point is 01:12:53 Yeah. Oh, good. Yeah. I mean, not like a fucking, yeah, now you're gonna make me a moose today. I mean, I don't know. Tyler Perry's out there making a whole bunch of crazy shit. Tyler Perry goes to Antarctica.

Starting point is 01:13:05 Hey, what up, bitch? I'm loose. Cosby, beepin' and shit, I mean, mooo. I could really be like a Broadway actor. I feel that shit though, for real. Yeah? Okay. Yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 01:13:20 Let's do some lines, let's do some lines or something. Yeah, let's do some lines, absolutely. What the fuck was that, Red Band? That lawn hoarder nigga? This is a Hollywood detective. All right, let me be a doctor. You wanna be a doctor? I'm a doctor, I'm a doctor.

Starting point is 01:13:33 You guys got any doctor music over there? Am I, I'm the patient. Yeah, you're the patient. Okay. Oh man, I've just been waiting for this doctor. Why do they always take so long? It seems like some kind of scam or something. What's up, are you totally gay?

Starting point is 01:13:47 Oh, you gotta be fucking kidding. I got you. Oh shit, there's no way you're the doctor. Yeah, I went to a lot of medical school for this, man. It's been a long time coming. Where did you go to medical school, sir? Bethune-Clubman University. It's been a long time coming. Where did you go to medical school, sir? Uh... Pfft.

Starting point is 01:14:08 But through and through, I'm in university. I will die before you talk to me any longer, doctor. Wait, hold up. Wait, I got your results back. Oh, okay. Laughter Hey, you got cancer, fuck, nigga. You're dying. Oh, shit. Laughter

Starting point is 01:14:23 It's... Laughter Well... Laughter Dr. Dre, thank you so much. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit.

Starting point is 01:14:30 Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit.

Starting point is 01:14:36 Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit.

Starting point is 01:14:43 Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. exactly how Christina found out. Yeah. Hello, babe. Yeah, bad news. I just got back from the doctor. I have cancer, the pancreatitis dough. Ha ha ha! Oh.

Starting point is 01:15:00 Hey, what? You know what that sound is? What the fuck? Is that me? Oh, you know what that sound is? What the fuck? Is that me? Yeah, that's me. That is you after breaking your arm. And tendon, both.

Starting point is 01:15:14 Don't forget, double whammy. Oh my god, it is unbelievable. One more time. We sometimes use it when the topic of gay sex comes up. It sounds really gay. That's what I'm gay for. Thank you, doctor. It's so unprofessional of you.

Starting point is 01:15:36 Yo, that shit gay as fuck. That shit gay as fuck. It was fucking, it felt gay too. Cam, you are unbelievable. Week after fucking week after week, your energy, your sense of humor, it's off the fucking charts. One more time for Cam Patterson ladies and gentlemen.

Starting point is 01:15:54 Appreciate you saying that. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. All right. He's great man. Yeah, he's unbelievable.

Starting point is 01:16:03 Taking over the world. Bunch of great stuff coming around the corner from him. But back to the bucket we go. We found him out of the bucket. The next Cam Patterson could be next. Make some noise for Mike Ivy. We're gonna meet him all together here. Hey Comedy Mothership. Oh my god Austin, new home of stand-up comedy. Love it. Great to be here. Uh, only way this place could be better is if there was a Chick-fil-A here.

Starting point is 01:16:30 Love a Chick-fil-A. Chick-fil-A. Oh, my God. Religion has done some bad stuff, but Chick-fil-A is not one of them. Am I right, huh? Oh, yeah, love it. Why can't there be more fast-food restaurants based on an actual cult? Come on. Get some Scientology tacos. Yummy. Huh? How about a Jehovah's Witness? Why can't there be more fast food restaurants based on an actual cult? Come on. Get some Scientology tacos, yummy.

Starting point is 01:16:48 Huh? How about a Jehovah's Witness Door Dash? Come on. Oh, fuck, the food's here. God damn it, fuck, a Jehovah's Witness Door Dash is here. This burger tastes like Jehovah. Shut up. Nobody wants a...

Starting point is 01:16:59 I like to go to Chick-fil-A and tempt the faithful. You know, walk up there. How about we open this bitch up on a Sunday? What do you think? Ha ha ha ha. Yeah, yeah, no? All right. All right. How about, uh, let me get a number six.

Starting point is 01:17:13 Uh, number six and another number six! Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Oh, make my sandwiches upside down! If you do that at a Chick-fil-A, if you do that at a Chick-fil-A, free holy water with every order. Thank you very much. My name's Mike Ivey. Thank you.

Starting point is 01:17:31 It's so stupid, but it was, it did make me laugh a lot there at the end, the possessed Chick-fil-A customer. Mike, Red Band had a real fucking, I mean, just abruptly just furious because he is our senior fast food correspondent. And it is an extremely well-known fact, and I think you know where I'm going here.

Starting point is 01:17:59 You're looking like you're trying to think or be curious, but you know exactly where I'm going, don't you? I understand. I understand. Wendy's? Wendy's? Nope. No. There's a Chick-fil-A two and a half blocks away from here.

Starting point is 01:18:11 Oh, I know. In fact, breaking news, Michael Gonzalez, will you hold that up? The entire crew ate Chick-fil-A before they went to bed. You're goddamn right. You're goddamn right. Because Jesus is Lord. That's right. I'm sorry. What? No, you're right Because Jesus is Lord. That's right. I'm sorry, what?

Starting point is 01:18:27 No, you're right. Jesus is Lord. But you know, how long have you lived in Austin? About three years. About three years. And you know, so there's a way to get into that same thing by saying that it's right here down the street. Have you ever looked for a Chick-fil-A? No, yeah.

Starting point is 01:18:43 I was gonna do another joke, but then I didn't have any water back there, and that joke requires me to do a lot of breath work, and I'm not gonna do that. The joke that you were gonna do requires you to do a lot of breath work? Yeah. There was no water back there? No water back there. Really?

Starting point is 01:18:58 There was... Heidi had a liquid death back there, but I didn't want to do that, because that would be creepy and my dream, so I was like... Wait, that would be what? Heidi had a liquid death back there, and I was like, can I have that liquid death? Uh-huh.

Starting point is 01:19:09 And then it was like, I think that's Heidi's, and I was like, I want it so much, but no. I see. Yeah. It was an already open can of liquid death. She kissed it with her mouth hole.

Starting point is 01:19:19 I don't think that that actually happened. It's true. That is a fact. I did not lie. You saw her kiss him? There's a liquid death back there. I said, can I have some of that liquid death? Because I'm ingenious. Who did you ask? I asked the guy who was the assistant back there.

Starting point is 01:19:36 And you're like, can I have some of that open liquid death? I asked for water first, and then they were like, I don't have any water. And I'm like, God damn it, I want some water because I want to do my joke. And there was a liquid death there. And I'm like, god damn it, I want some water, because I want to do my joke. And there was a liquid death there. And I'm like, can I have that liquid death there? And they were like, that's Heidi. So I was like, oh, that'd be super creepy.

Starting point is 01:19:50 There's not a few cans of water back there, in case someone that just ran across the street loses their fucking money. Oh god, I got somebody fired. No, it's a good thing to have that if we don't. Sometimes I have to go through it. I'm sure it's worth it. We have a can of water anywhere?

Starting point is 01:20:03 Oh, here it comes, ladies and gentlemen. Make some noise for little Christie, everybody. One of the adorable squad members here. Yoni's right-hand woman. Here's a fresh can of liquid death. We had Heidi squirt in it right before. Go ahead. Drink some water there. Oh, you might want to move that tab back a little bit.

Starting point is 01:20:25 Got caught on your very normal-sized lips. Totally normal. Nothing different about those lips. Bacon soda! Oh, my God. Red band, you've outed us. Okay. So, wait, are you saying... Because I was trying to figure this out here.

Starting point is 01:20:44 You're saying that you did know that there are the Chick-fil-A here? Oh, well, I couldn't think of it at the time. I was like, I changed my joke at the last second. Oh, okay. The Chick-fil-A joke has been doing well, so I was like, I'll do the Chick-fil-A joke, whatever. That's what I was, you know. You normally do that joke in a city that does, because your setup was they got to have a Chick-fil a chick, they should have a chick-fil-a here. I was trying to make it in the moment, right? So I was like, oh, hey, how's it going? Good to be here, you know, because it is good to be here.

Starting point is 01:21:10 And it would take a second from getting used to my fucking cadence, because I'm a fucking weirdo. No, you don't need that. Okay. And you said you did the chick-fil-a joke because you were doing good? Is that what you said? No, no, I did the chick-fil-a joke

Starting point is 01:21:21 because it was my backup joke. I called Peyton Manning Audible. I was like Omaha, I fucking pulled out a Peyton Manning audible. I was like Omaha. I fucking pulled out. Peyton Manning wins when he... Ha ha ha, I did okay. That was a seven. That was a solid seven.

Starting point is 01:21:33 This is a fun episode where the people are arguing about how good they did. That's a very rare treat. No, Tony, I did good. These are not the Jedi you're looking for. Oh yeah, here's a big joke book. You're regular now, I'm retarded. Great stuff, it's totally working everybody.

Starting point is 01:21:52 Oh wow, look at this. It's the, all right, very good. Sorry, sorry. All right, so how long, how long you been on standup? Too long, 14 years. I started, oh yeah, that's right. Whoa, whoa. 14 years of

Starting point is 01:22:15 Okie dokie. Where have you been doing 14 years of standup at? Well, I told the story before, but I started out in Cleveland, Ohio. I started out because I was doing speech therapy. So I was- You told this story here before? I didn't tell this story.

Starting point is 01:22:30 This part of the story I did not tell. Okay. I started out doing comedy as speech therapy because I couldn't be in a room full of people. I couldn't talk in front of people. I said, I need to fight this demon. I went to exposure therapy.

Starting point is 01:22:43 Stand up comedy, one of the hardest things to do. People don't like talking in front of people. I was funny. I know how to write, but I couldn't talk. So I started doing stand-up comedy. So I was medically bad at stand-up comedy. And then eventually people noticed my writing as I got better.

Starting point is 01:22:56 I started getting paid. I went to the Pickwick and Frolic in Cleveland, Ohio. I've worked there. I've been on that stage more than any other comedian in history. I stayed there way too long. It was an open mic. No, no, no, no. I started worked there, I've been on that stage more than any other comedian in history. Uh, I stayed there way too long. It was an open mic. No, no, no. I started working there.

Starting point is 01:23:11 It was an open mic. Like Hilarities. Yeah. Nick Costas. Yep. Yeah. And you were on that stage more than what? Any other comedian in history. Who told you that?

Starting point is 01:23:23 You know how I know I was there more than any other stand-up comedian in history? How? Because I was there more than any other stand-up comedian in history, Tony. I was there way too much. I know what the fries talk. I know everything about that fucking club. I know where the bodies are hid. You know what I mean?

Starting point is 01:23:37 Like, I know where there was a rack there one time. I know a whole fucking thing. I've been there way too much. I over-committed to that club. I loved it. You know, whatever. You ever have a TBI? What's that?

Starting point is 01:23:51 What's TBI? Exactly. It's a traumatic brain injury. Oh, maybe, actually maybe. Perhaps you recognize this song. It's the TBI song. That actually may have happened. What does that mean?

Starting point is 01:24:03 How does it maybe have- how do you know? When I was kid I bumped my head. You got a TBI The best damn band in the land. Flexing their improvisational skills. How did you two just do that at the same time like that? You guys were like wrote that holy shit. My goodness gracious. This place fucking rules by the way we know we're here every month. Yeah. This is what we do.

Starting point is 01:24:45 God damn right. But welcome. You might be at a Chick-fil-A next week going, man, I just wish I was in a city where there was a Kill Tony tape. Mike, before I let you go, anything else crazy about your life that would surprise us? Do you ever do anything nuts? Do you have any special skills or talents

Starting point is 01:25:02 other than being the most comedian at Hilarities in Cleveland ever, which is very highly up for debate but we're gonna let you have it. It existed for decades before you were ever there. Yes it did. But they need a black comedian that can cross over. It's very interesting how politics work in comedy clubs. Not here. No, I'm kidding. Please like me. Oh my god, please.

Starting point is 01:25:30 OK. I didn't get a little joke book. Can I get a little one? Please. You don't get to ask for it, but you know what? Since you asked, we're going to give you an extra tiny one. There he goes. There it is. one. Oh, there he goes. There it is, Mike Ivy, ladies and gentlemen.

Starting point is 01:25:49 He did indeed put it in his mouth, I saw. I'm just not gonna give him the unbelievable attention that he craves. One more time for Mike, everybody. Oh la la, Heidi's trying to get me liquored up over here. We got another bucket full, ladies and gentlemen. Make some noise for Patrick Cassaday, everybody. Patrick Cassaday. Here we go.

Starting point is 01:26:14 Here's Patrick. Mother ship, what is up? So happy to be here. Anybody else ever walk in on your parents having sex when you're a kid? 17 times? I guess I'm gonna have to be here. Anybody else ever walk in on your parents having sex when you're a kid? Seventeen times? It gets awkward after four or five.

Starting point is 01:26:32 That's stupid. It's kind of my fault the first time. They asked me what I wanted for my birthday, and I was like, I want to watch. So I've never wanted a bike more in my life. Speaking of awkward birthdays, I just turned 50. 19 months ago. Turning 50's not so bad though.

Starting point is 01:26:56 There's this new thing called FFBs. Have you guys heard of this? 50 year old fuck boys? No? Nobody? Fuck, I've been trying to get this going for 19 months. Uh... Actually, here's some bad news, guys. My dad died recently.

Starting point is 01:27:14 I've been having a hard time trying to talk about it with my black friends, because I don't want to think I'm appropriating their culture by not having a black father. I'm just kidding. I don't have any black friends. That's my time, guys. Thank you so much. Patrick Casade. Welcome to the show, Patrick. Thank you. Thank you, Tony.

Starting point is 01:27:35 How long you been doing stand-up? This is my 20th time. 20th time. Three months, about three months. Three months, so 20 times in three months. What made you want to start now? 51? 51 years old, correct. What made you start now?

Starting point is 01:27:49 My dad and I... It's okay, tell the real story. I know, I don't want to cry though. My dad got real sick. If you cry, it'll make the whole audience fall in love with you, it'll be great, trust me. Just look out there to the people, don't just turn towards me.

Starting point is 01:28:02 Lift up your hat a little bit, Patrick, there you go. Now, tell us why you started standing. My dad had a stroke right after the vaccine. Oh. And I've been taking care of him for the last three years, 24-7, and he made me promise. We always watch Kill Tony together. It's one of the things that we did every Monday and a lot of stand-up comedy.

Starting point is 01:28:21 Just, we didn't want to cry, we wanted to laugh, so. He made me promise when he passed that I'd come out here and I'd do this. And he passed in April. So I bought a RV and a truck and I towed it out here about two months ago and I've been signing up ever since. Wow! So long.

Starting point is 01:28:39 That's an amazing fucking story. Thank you, thank you. Wow, I guess, I mean unbelievable. Amazing fucking story. Thank you, thank you. Wow. I guess, I mean unbelievable. You fucking changed your life? Yeah. Wow, dude. Yeah, I'm actually leaving on the 10th to go back to Sacramento

Starting point is 01:28:56 and sell my house and then I'm moving back out here. Wow. Yeah. So, huh. Wow. I have a couple questions here. Yeah So, huh Wow I have a couple questions here crazy how soon after He got this Totally trust the science

Starting point is 01:29:15 Yeah vaccine one week one week. He had a massive afterwards and coincidentally Yeah, as safe as it was lost Lost his ability to walk, the 24-7 wheelchair, I defeat him. Isn't it funny how we hear stories like that all the time on this show, but you never hear it from the mainstream media at all, but with real human beings, with real lives, we hear it here all the time.

Starting point is 01:29:38 So interesting. What an anomaly. Keltoni draws people that, uh, draws a certain type of people that talk about injuries from a vaccine that many companies and government things made mandatory for humans to get. How crazy is that? Yeah, I didn't get it. So I'm no nanobots. I don't know what's in there. Right. So one week later, your dad has a stroke and you said that he said that when I die, Yeah, he made me promise.

Starting point is 01:30:04 Promise that you'll go do Kill Tony. So I'd watch Kill Tony every week, and I'd be like, oh, Austin's the place for comedy, man. I gotta get out there. I gotta get out there. Do you think that that's because he didn't want to see you in your stand up? That he would request that when he did?

Starting point is 01:30:18 Only after I die. He's been watching my stand up since I was six years old. So he's a big fan. So he's been watching you be a funny guy for a long time. You have brothers and sisters? A bunch of steps, but nothing. I have a half brother in Canada that I go see. A bunch of steps, that's Red Band's worst nightmare.

Starting point is 01:30:33 Uh-huh. Uh-huh. So you bought an RV specifically to come to Austin, Texas. Tell us about this RV. Describe to us, what did you- It's a 30 footer. What did you get? Six nine.

Starting point is 01:30:47 Where'd you come from? Sacramento. Sacramento, so you buy the RV in Sacramento and you drove it all the way here. Yeah, I bought a truck in my dad's name because it got a better interest rate. Oh yeah, definitely. Talk about your crimes.

Starting point is 01:31:00 Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's fine, I'm giving it back since I get back to Sacramento. They understand, that's good. Yeah. yeah, yeah. It's fine, I'm giving it back soon as I get back to Sacramento. They understand, that's good. Yeah. Yeah. Put it in your dad's name, that's a stroke of genius.

Starting point is 01:31:10 Yeah. Way better interest rate, way better interest rate. Stroke of genius, now I just got that fuck. Okay. Tell us more about the RV. Does it have any special features or weird things about it? No, it's pretty standard.

Starting point is 01:31:24 My dog, I have a dog, so that's why I got an RV. Didn't want to just come out here and rent a hotel or something, so my dog's chilling back in the RV. I know, it's nice to- Do you leave the air conditioning on or something? Oh yeah, 24 seven. That seems like a terrible place to leave a dog. It's 71 degrees in that RV right now.

Starting point is 01:31:39 Wow, incredible. It's nice, it's nice. What was with the fucking... Yeah. You go, I turned 50... Yeah. ...19 months ago. Yeah. Like some old fucking broad.

Starting point is 01:31:55 Like that's like my aunt's joke about her age. Are you like, I don't want anyone to know I'm 50? Well, I was telling people I was 2 and 1 half score, but I think they got the wrong idea on that one. Yeah, but do you care that, like, that you're 51? No, no. Yeah, yeah, you can't. I mean, look, you're 20 times in.

Starting point is 01:32:13 Yeah, yeah. So, you know, you're going to do... Perfect time to start stand-up, right? Well, no, it's horrible. It's one of the worst decisions a person can make. But... Yeah, absolutely. Oh, yeah, this is...

Starting point is 01:32:24 I mean, most likely will go terribly, but 20 times in means you're like a fetus. Like you've... Oh, absolutely, 100%. You can do it hundreds and hundreds of times. But as somebody who's seeing you on your 20th time, you don't have to be like,

Starting point is 01:32:38 I'm not really 51, you know? Like, just... Yeah, it's a stupid joke. I'll kill it. Yeah, kill it tonight. Let it die. Let me tell that joke again. The good news is, when, just... Yeah, it's a stupid joke. I'll kill it. Yeah, kill it tonight. Let it die. Never tell that joke again. The good news is, when you did that joke,

Starting point is 01:32:49 your father actually rolled in his grave. So there was some movement seen there. Well, I got him in the trailer, actually, till he's in an urn, so... Wow. I thought you were gonna say he's in the 71-degree RV right now. It's incredible. But it's bold that you're doing this.

Starting point is 01:33:04 That is bold. And you're doing what you want to do, and I think that's great. But it's bold that you're doing this. That is bold. And you're doing what you want to do. And I think that's great. Thank you, Tom. That is amazing stuff. You set a goal. You're doing it. So you're planning on staying in Austin? I'm to leave on the 10th, but I'm going to just go back, sell my house, and then I'm going to come back here. Really? Yeah. Wow, what were you doing before? Before my dad stroke, I was doing insurance. Pretty boring. Yeah, terrible.

Starting point is 01:33:30 Horrible life. Terrible. Good money, horrible life. Amazing, amazing. It's amazing. Insurance, what insurance company? PNC basically, you know, home and auto. PNC?

Starting point is 01:33:43 Property and casualty. Okay.NC. Property and Casualty. OK. Boring. All right. Well, how about a wife, kids, anything? Ex-wife. She just actually flew out here and visited me for a while while I was out here.

Starting point is 01:33:54 Really? So, yeah. She give you some of that ex-pussy? No, no. We're just friends now. So. You just what? We're just friends.

Starting point is 01:34:01 Really? Yeah. You didn't do anything? I mean, you've done it 1,000 times. What are you doing? 1,000 times thousand times. What are you gonna do? A thousand times? Wow. What are you into now?

Starting point is 01:34:08 What are you doing now? You invite a girl back to the RV? I did take a girl back to the RV from the comedy club. Wow. Not too long ago. Your dog must have been like, what the fuck? On the back of my motorcycle. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:34:19 Yeah, yeah. Oh. Jane came off on the way home on the motorcycle too. It was pretty embarrassing. Wait, what'd you say? So she's a bigger, little bit bigger girl, so. Oh yeah. Yeah, chain came off on the way home on the motorcycle.

Starting point is 01:34:31 I had to stop and put the chain back on. The chain came off. Oh, what? The fucking suspension snapped. She was off the chain. She was off the chain. Oh my God. You know who you are.

Starting point is 01:34:45 Like how you said, a little bit bigger girl. Little bit bigger than me. Really? Bigger than you? No, I was kidding. I was kidding. All right, Patrick. Well, you know what? I love the fucking story. The set was very, very, very okay, but not bad for 20 times, but all the amazing stuff that you said,

Starting point is 01:35:07 I'm giving you a big joke book. Made by the great Bones Eye. Thank you, everybody. It's real Texas leather, the lifetime guarantee. We're gonna keep it moving along. You guys still having fun out there? Let's get a couple more quick sets. Make some noise for this bucketful.

Starting point is 01:35:23 Scotty Hime. Scotty Heim. Scotty Heim. Scotty. How we doing, Austin? So I'm from the Midwest and senior year of high school, I had a buddy of mine move from Compton to Iowa. And, uh, you know it's tough in Iowa

Starting point is 01:35:48 when Compton's just a little better. He moved back after two years battling potholes. He decided to go back and fight the Bloods. He's a Crip from Compton, and, uh... It was better to fight the Bloods than live in Iowa. Yeah. Does anybody here have conservative friends that love Latinas? It would make you think the border situation is a little less than a crisis.

Starting point is 01:36:26 Like, the ideal situation would be, like, a Mexican glory hole. Like, I'll fuck you, but stay on that side of the wall, you know? Thank you, guys. Scottie Heim. There you go. Hi, Scottie.im. There you go.

Starting point is 01:36:45 Hi, Scottie. How are you? Good. How you doing, Tony? This is your first time on the show, right? It is. First time in Austin. I love it.

Starting point is 01:36:50 Where are you visiting from? From Quad Cities. Yep, Iowa. And how long have you been in town? Since Friday. OK. You done anything fun? Anything good happen?

Starting point is 01:37:03 Most fun thing we've done is go to a gay bar. Okay, what happened at the gay bar? It was a great time. Okay. No Tony jokes. He wasn't there, I promise. I was. But it was awesome. Okay, go ahead.

Starting point is 01:37:20 Why don't you tell us what actually happened at the gay bar, Scott? I can't tell you. I don't remember the name of it, but three stories. You had so much fun that you don't remember the name of it, but three stories. You had so much fun that you don't remember the name of it? I forgot. I mean, you know, you do all that and... What did you do? Dance. I hopped in the dance circle.

Starting point is 01:37:36 What did you do? What song did you dance to? Do you remember that? All of them. All of them. Do you want to tell us something else? All of them. All of them. Yeah. Do you want to tell us something else? I got tons of loads of stories to tell you, Tom. Nice. Very nice.

Starting point is 01:37:52 Loads of stories. Yeah, we heard that. Yeah. We heard that. So, you go to a gay bar, you dance. How does the night end? In a hotel room with my best buddy, sharing a king-size bed. He organized it.

Starting point is 01:38:08 Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Perfect.

Starting point is 01:38:16 Fucking timing. Red band from a three-point range. Yeah. Wow. You can't beat that. That was fucking perfect. You can't. No. That was fucking perfect. You can't.

Starting point is 01:38:26 No, that was absolutely perfect. So how many buddies were in this king-size bed? Just me and one. Just you and one. You said buddies. Yeah. Okay. Sorry.

Starting point is 01:38:38 So it was one? It was just one, yeah. I promise I'm straight. I promise. You don't have to be. I don't have to be, but I promise I am. And you and your buddy, buddy, do you do this frequently? You guys do this a lot?

Starting point is 01:38:52 Pillow between the two of us. But do you guys go to gay bars a lot for fun? That was my first time and yeah, very impressed. I will be returning, yes. I would argue that putting a pillow in between you and your buddy makes it more gay than not having a pillow there at all. Like, you guys need to actually build a fucking little fort blockade

Starting point is 01:39:15 to fucking keep your dicks away from each other's asses. That's what it takes is a physical wall. A barrier or we don't fuck. Like, yeah. physical wall of barrier or we don't. After a night at multiple gay bars, like, like, man, the temptation is just growing right now. Just one gay bar. Just one. OK. But it was three stories, you said it was. And we we ventured to each story. I bet you did.

Starting point is 01:39:43 You look like you were teasing the boys that night. That's what the smile said. No, no, no. No? No tease. You were not teasing? I don't tease. OK.

Starting point is 01:39:51 You please. OK. But you were danc- who were you? Were you dancing with some guys? No, no, I wasn't. You were just dancing by yourself? There was- there were groups. And I got introduced to the circle.

Starting point is 01:40:05 You guys were doing the electric slide there. Yes. Was it like that? It was a lot of friction in the electric slide. Why don't we see, why don't you guys give me a little gay music here and let's see what, oh, look at the horn voice. Yeah, yeah. We went.

Starting point is 01:40:23 No, don't sing, dance. Don't sing, they got the music. We conquered. No, don't sing. Dance. Don't sing. They got the music. We conquer. No, stop singing. Listen to me. No, keep playing. Keep playing.

Starting point is 01:40:33 Don't sing. Just dance. No dance. Here he is, gay dancing, ladies and gentlemen. Scotty Hine. Oh, OK. Oh, wow. All right, Scotty, that's enough. That's enough. Wow. Master improviser Scotty Heim there with some gay miming.

Starting point is 01:41:01 The ol' gay mime routine. So what do you do for work, Scotty? I work for Coca-Cola. Oh, well, not anymore. Unbelievable. We're inclusive. What do you do at Coca-Cola? I'm in sales. So...

Starting point is 01:41:26 Amazing. The band is dying of laughter right now. I'm not sure what's going on back there. They must know something. I think something fell out of your butt when you were dancing. So you're working at Coca-Cola, living in Iowa. Why do you stay in Iowa? What's the point of doing such a thing?

Starting point is 01:41:41 You went to the university there? Born and raised. And you stay there. What do you just, like, milk and cornflakes? What's going on? Cornflakes and milk. Can't beat that combination, first of all. Second of all. Oh, my God.

Starting point is 01:41:59 I hate it. Very special TBI episode of Killtonis. This is absolutely incredible. You fell off a trampoline when you were a kid. Bumped your head. Am I correct? No. But you have hit your head very hard before. Yes.

Starting point is 01:42:12 Yes. What was that, a car accident? No. A four-wheeling accident. Farming equipment? Farming equipment. It was farming equipment. No? You're just lying to us.

Starting point is 01:42:23 A baseball bat. Okay, what happened with the... It was farming equipment. It was farming equipment. No? You're just lying to us. A baseball bat. Okay, what happened with the... What happened with the baseball bat? I love it. What happened with the baseball bat? Not too many head injuries, to be honest. You know in baseball how you do the cool baseball bat moves?

Starting point is 01:42:44 I tried that one time and I literally struck the back of my head with my own bat Wow, that's like one of the dumbest ways you can do that. Yeah, it's unbelievable. I have dumber Have you ever thought about surrounding yourself at all times with pillows? That's why me and my buddy put one between us yes, that's right I'm 24 and how long you been doing That's why me and my buddy put one between us, yes. That's right. How old are you? I'm 24. And how long you been doing, Stanley? This is my 20th time, yeah.

Starting point is 01:43:11 Wait, that's a second 20th time. That is unbelievable. I did hear that, yes. I mean, what are the absolute odds of that? Incredible. Did your father have a stroke after the vaccine? No. He just stroke my mother.

Starting point is 01:43:25 Wow, there you go. Your first joke. You know what? You know what I'm going to do just because of that? I'm going to put down the little joke book, and I'm going to pick up a big one. Appreciate it. There you go.

Starting point is 01:43:35 You got one joke in there at the end. There he goes. He slid into home plate. Just stroked my mother, Scotty Hyne. All right, let's go with one last bucket full here. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Pat Bautista, everybody. Pat Bautista.

Starting point is 01:43:55 Make some noise for him. These people waited all day, everybody. ["The Last Supper"] I just moved here three weeks ago, and I like it. It's great. Your moths, the moths, they're big, and they're intimidating. And I think if they were... If they could speak, like, English, they'd say bro a lot,

Starting point is 01:44:23 and I don't get along with the could speak, like, English, they'd say, bro, a lot, and I don't... I don't get along with the moths here. They're just way too big, and they're just too much... Ha-ha. Okay, so... Look, I came here to cleanse the LA out of me. I grew up in LA, and it's gonna be a rough road.

Starting point is 01:44:48 When I was third grade, my teacher used to force us to watch his acting reel, and he did not have any lines. He just had, like, a thick mustache and hair plugs, and we just kind of looked where he got, and you... Okay. I went to one. Ladies and gentlemen, Pat Batista,

Starting point is 01:45:12 here with the Austin Moth Report. Pretty sure what you're seeing are bats. Pretty sure those are bats. What's up with that way? I saw a big moth. You saw a big moth. Perhaps a butterfly? It was a moth. How do you know it's a moth?

Starting point is 01:45:33 Talk into the tip of that microphone. Okay, it could have been like a baby owl, but it was big. It looked moth-like, you know? It was the same color. Uh-huh. There's huge moths out there, you know? It was the same color. There's huge moths out there, for sure. There's some big moths?

Starting point is 01:45:49 Yeah. I see them all. Like, one this big. It looked like a little hummingbird almost. Where do you see these moths at? Up north, yeah. Up north? Yeah, it's crazy.

Starting point is 01:45:58 On the outside of your window? They come on the patio, and they just sit there, and it's scary. They're huge. Wow. And they have, they got big guy energy too. They just don't move. They don't like, they don't even carry their... Are you getting bullied by moths, Steve?

Starting point is 01:46:11 Yes. This fucking guy, it's unbelievable, these fucking people. Yeah. What do the moths ever do to you? What do they do? They're just good. I don't know, they just don't, I don't like their attitude. They just don't, they don't move.

Starting point is 01:46:27 They're just like, you're there and they don't even like get scared. They're just like, yeah, I'm here. I don't like moths that, I kicked them ass, but it looked like a blood, like a murder scene if you hit. You've killed one before. No, I was, I don't know. It's big.

Starting point is 01:46:42 They're big. I don't. You know, killing a moth is bad luck. Oh, is it? know, it's big. They're big, I don't. You know killing a moth is bad luck. Oh, is it? Yeah, it's 10 years bad luck, especially if you're Filipino. What ethnicity are you? Filipino.

Starting point is 01:46:56 Yeah. Damn, that's terrible. I cannot believe that you're Filipino. That is shocking to me, even though you're built like Manny Pacquiao's left leg. This is amazing. How long have you been trying standup comedy, Pat? It's about 10 years.

Starting point is 01:47:18 Whoa, whoa, no way. 10 years. Are you kidding? Yes. Okay, how long have you been doing standup? Let's just answer honestly. Ten years, it's been about ten years. You're eating, we need, we need, we need.

Starting point is 01:47:34 I mean, yee, yee. Start talking like a fucking moth, dude. Here I am, I know I'm really big, don't kill me. Pat, Pat Batista, please. Show me some mercy. All right, 10 years. Where have you been doing it for 10 years? In LA.

Starting point is 01:47:52 Oh. Yeah, it's, I don't know. Where in LA? The Comedy Store open, Mike? Swear out. Yeah, the Comedy Store. I mean, for all we know, you could be a main room regular at the Comedy Store right now.

Starting point is 01:48:03 Are you on the mark the way things are going there? Okay, that's only funny to us. All right. Kill Tony. Yeah! That's how I did Kill Tony. You did Kill Tony? Three times in a row. And then the fourth time I was too... Well, no, that was the third time I was too messed up to get up. You were too messed up to get up. What happened there? Comedy store weed, it surprised me.

Starting point is 01:48:30 And then I went into the parking lot and I just stayed in my car because I thought the windows were, I don't know, I just couldn't... And I was really stoned. Something surprised me. Did you smoke weed before this set? Huh? Did you smoke some weed before this set? Huh? Did you smoke some weed before this set? No. You sound like a pollie.

Starting point is 01:48:55 Yeah, well, I just want the answer. Yes, I did. OK, all right, cool. But I couldn't handle the ones that I, yeah. No, no, because I actually think it's obvious you've been on stage a lot. You're very comfortable on stage. But then when you were just like, I'm gonna talk about moths, I was like, okay. I didn't know how it worked. I didn't know if I'd get out and just go to my jokes, so I just went with whatever was in my head.

Starting point is 01:49:22 You said that you've done this show three times before in Los Angeles. That was years ago. The format has never changed. Not for a single episode. So when you say you didn't know, what do you mean? It's been a while, so I don't really, I don't remember. You watched the show? I don't, I didn't remember.

Starting point is 01:49:40 Yeah, when I was out there. And you heard other people before you, right? You were back there. Yeah. But you didn't know. I got a little ADD, and so I don't... Certain things don't soak in the brain, my brain sometimes. Do you only do stand-up high? Be honest. No, I just start... Well, I mean, yeah.

Starting point is 01:50:00 Yeah. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha I believe Cam said that earlier. You might have a little too much weed doing comedy. We'd be doing comedy. Yeah. So, Pat, I mean, so many questions. The longer this interview goes, the more questions I have. What is it? Why is it so hard for you to wait until after your set to smoke marijuana? Why not do your work and then reward yourself? It is stressful. Oh. But I'm gonna change because that's the plan. do your work and then reward yourself. It is stressful. Oh, you carry that.

Starting point is 01:50:46 I'm going to change because I'm that's the plan. Definitely. No, I am. You got to channel. It was just the week. You got to channel some of that nervousness and anxiety into the performance and don't numb it with anything else. Just do the set and deal with the nerves and the anxiety and all the stress.

Starting point is 01:51:06 And then when you get off stage, do it. You'll probably find it hits way different if you do that. Yeah, there's no question about that. Cheers to that. Taking it head on. No, that's what's bad. You would have a clear head about the set you were going to plan out for this,

Starting point is 01:51:22 and you'd stay focused on it. And you'd come out, do your set, and you'd be tight. Because it's obvious. I can tell that you've been on stage a lot. I can tell. Like the other fucking lunatics that were out here. I can tell. I could tell they came from the bus stop and I could tell that you've been on stage a lot.

Starting point is 01:51:43 But that's the problem. You know, a lot of the guys we start with, like, they would always do, like, do shots or drink. And if it becomes, like, a crutch for it to deal with it, then it eventually becomes too much. You know what I mean? It overwhelms the performance. So you just, I mean, you're a savvy guy. You're funny. You're naturally charismatic.

Starting point is 01:52:00 You're very funny. So just, yeah, just smoke weed when you're done, dude. Yeah. When do you start smoking weed? No doubt about that. You must listen to what Tom just said. You've been doing it 10 years, and I literally thought, when you said, I've been doing it 10 times, I thought you were gonna say times,

Starting point is 01:52:19 because the last two guys have done it 20 times, and you're worse than them. Hey, sorry. I know moths be scary and all, but I mean, you just didn't have me really. But the weed is why you're like, I'm like fucking these moths are crazy. Yeah, exactly. That's why you did that.

Starting point is 01:52:38 What the fuck, oh my God. And then you didn't even get to your set because like your set was starting to go. When do you start smoking? First of all, can I take a guess here? I'm a long time stoner, but I wait. I tend to wait at least until after I'm done with work. Can I take a wild guess here and say that you smoke

Starting point is 01:53:00 out of a water bong? Am I correct? No, that's what got me addicted was the water bomb. Right. During the lockdown. That's what got me. Okay, what did you smoke today for example? Got it.

Starting point is 01:53:14 What did you smoke today? A joint, a blunt? Yeah, a joint. It's a very easy question. Okay, a joint. So I was like thinking about strands and stuff. It's okay. Where were you when you smoked this joint?

Starting point is 01:53:28 Stick with me here, Pat. Very easy question. Literally couldn't be an easier question. Where did you smoke the weed today? Were you in your car? Were you out back? I was out back. Here, you were just out back here.

Starting point is 01:53:41 Did they already tell you that you were going up and then you smoked? No, I was before. I've been waiting out there for a while. I didn't think I was gonna get. Yeah, no, I know. I know, yeah, sign up started four hours ago. Yeah, I know.

Starting point is 01:53:51 That's when you started smoking? Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. And when's the last time that you smoked weed, if you had to guess?

Starting point is 01:54:01 About an hour ago, two hours ago, or then four hours ago when you got here? Probably like an hour ago. Yeah, you smoked a couple times. Yeah. Just in case. Yeah, it was just not, I didn't not, I did not think I was gonna get picked. I really did not.

Starting point is 01:54:14 I did not think I was going to get picked. I hear a little bit of that Filipino. What do your parents do? What nail salon do they work at? That's a good one. Am I correct? No. Okay, what do your parents do they work at? That's pretty big. Am I correct? No. Okay, what do your parents do for a living?

Starting point is 01:54:30 My parents, my mom's dead. Oh, damn. So she's, that's her job. Wow, yep, that is a full-time job. That's funny, dude. That's what... That's very funny, bro. Tom is spot on.

Starting point is 01:54:43 You're a funny guy. Yeah. You just need to... And the other reason, the other reason that you got to do it after is that if you start to rely on it, the shows get bigger and bigger. The pressure gets higher and higher. And so, like, if you're doing a fucking huge theater and arena, you don't want to have to be like, oh, I got to get it. You know, I'm used to smoking before that.

Starting point is 01:55:04 It's going to overwhelm you. You know what I mean? So you got to perform. I mean, I know some people do. Performance over, dude. Performance over. Get high in the morning if you want to. Get high when you get offstage. All right, all right. Yeah!

Starting point is 01:55:17 Well, there you go. That's why I've been telling Red Band to not drink before the show for 11 1 1 half years, everybody. Nope. There you go. That's why I've been telling Red Band to not drink before the show for 11 1 1 2 years, everybody. Swear's he needs it. Can't go with that. Wait, what about Dad? He told you Mom's dead. Mom's dead. What about Dad?

Starting point is 01:55:36 Mom's dead. She died from nail polish poisoning? There was no nail polish. How did mom die? That's Vietnamese, I think. Wait, what'd you say? Vietnamese? Doing nails. What'd you say?

Starting point is 01:55:52 Nails. It's like more of a Vietnamese Korean thing. Your mom was a nurse, right? No, my mom was like a white American mixed. Okay. So she was a secretary. Oh, that makes sense. A white woman. That's a white lady job. Okay. So she was a secretary. Oh, that makes sense. A white woman.

Starting point is 01:56:07 That's not my lady job? White woman job. And your dad? What was your dad? My dad works for LAX. LAX? Okay, at the airport. All right.

Starting point is 01:56:18 Okay, what does a Filipino man do at LAX? Baggage? Oh, trafficking, no. He does the baggage, yes. There's a fucking Filipino guy in charge of directing the traffic at LAX, baggage? Oh, trafficking, no. He does the baggage, yes. There's a fucking Filipino guy in charge of directing the traffic at LAX. Get him, get him. Get him.

Starting point is 01:56:31 No wonder I'm stuck on the jet wave for an hour and a half every time. Oh, way going that way, no this way, this way, no that way, shit, I fuck up. Oh my God, is that a moth? Oh no, an airplane, I'm sorry, airplane. I thought you were a big, crazy moth. If your mom is white,

Starting point is 01:56:53 your dad has to be 180% Filipino, by the way. How you ended up looking like this? Yeah, it's my dad. Yeah, my dad. Oh, God. Yeah, it's my dad. Yeah, my dad. Ha ha ha. Oh, God. I kept you up here. Wait, how long are you in town for?

Starting point is 01:57:11 Oh, no, I'm staying here. I live here now. You know, I'd love to give you five minutes on the secret show. Are you fucking serious? You're giving him five minutes and the 22-year-old guy that kills every time? You know, I love the moth material. Yeah. You're giving him five minutes and the 22 year old guy that kills every time.

Starting point is 01:57:25 You know, I love the moth material. There you go. I want you to check his eyes first before he gets out of his face. Before I let you go. Ten years of stand up. Yeah. You got to have something better than all that moth stuff. Before I let you go, 10 years of standup, you gotta have something better than all that moth stuff. How many you think we should hear his best joke

Starting point is 01:57:51 that he's ever written in his entire life? Ladies and gentlemen, all right, Red Band, very smart. I love what he's pitching to me. Red Band says, if this joke sucks, you don't get to do the secret show. Oh, man. Oh, man. But how about this? If it goes good, you get six minutes of the secret show

Starting point is 01:58:12 and an extra 60 seconds. Ladies and gentlemen, 10 years in the game. Here he is with his best joke ever. It could be as short or as whatever as you want. He's really, you could tell he's still trying to think of what his best joke he's still trying to think of what his best joke he's ever written is. Ladies and gentlemen, Stoner,

Starting point is 01:58:29 the son of a traffic director and a dead white woman. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the best joke in 10 years of Pat Bautista. Whoo! Yeah! That... That one was my top one, okay. I'm going to need some money. If you go to only Filipino Monkey Feet dot com...

Starting point is 01:58:57 I, uh... I... I, uh... I got really long toes, and, uh... I got some bangers. I got the one where I got holding a banana with my big toe. And then, uh... And then me climbing a tree, right? And then since it was tax season when I wrote this joke, I got a really long toe. And then, uh, and then me, and then me climbing a tree.

Starting point is 01:59:25 Right? And then since it was tax season when I wrote this joke, you know those cute little calculators on 99 Cent Store? I got that on the big toe, and then my W-2's on the next. And then the rest receipts. With the caption, I came prepared. So if you got that monkey feet money, I got you. I'm pretty sure this guy's doing six minutes on Thursday.

Starting point is 01:59:53 Good enough. The crowd laughed. You should have ended it a minute sooner. But there he goes. What do you... All right, Jesus Christ Almighty. He's got little monkey hands, too. Pat Bautista. All right. That was fun, huh?

Starting point is 02:00:19 I think there's only one way to end an episode like this, ladies and gentlemen. This is a long-awaited return. This guy was out of commission last week. I'm sure he's back. Just a bundle of energy. He is a Kill Tony Hall of Famer. He is the record holder for all time appearances and interviews in the history of the show.

Starting point is 02:00:42 Fresh off of more sold out shows, the man is an absolute machine. In fact, he is a big red machine indeed. I present to you the vanilla gorilla, the Memphis strangler, the Tijuana tornado, the Vienna vaginal vortex. This is Lights Out, William Montgomery. And Tony, Tony, just for the record, I'm high as fuck right now, man. Holy shit. Big congratulations to Lizzo. She is now focusing on her health

Starting point is 02:01:25 and has lost half of her body weight. Lizzo, I'm sure it feels so much better to be walking around at 450 pounds, you big-ass bitch. It stands, you bitch! Somebody told me that Hall and Oates broke up. I didn't even realize they were dating. I thought you would like that maybe, Tom.

Starting point is 02:01:46 Shit. Hey, Tony, what do you commit when you quit smoking cigarettes and start using pouches? Zenfidelity. Look, I'm not saying Red Band has monkeypox, but why is his fiance now calling him Honky Kong? Okay, that's my time. Hell, yes. 55 seconds of thunder and lightning.

Starting point is 02:02:14 Only he can do it quite like that, calling Lizzo a straight-up bitch. Yeah, she is nasty, but she is losing weight, so I'm really happy for her. It's gonna add years to her life. Wow. straight-up bitch. Yeah, she is nasty, but she is losing weight, so I'm really happy for her. It's gonna add years to her life. Wow. Because the past she was on, I mean,

Starting point is 02:02:32 that fucking nasty, fat bitch, she was probably dying in, I don't know, three fucking years or something, but this will probably at least extend to her life, I don't know, 15, 20, so... Be good. It seems like she's real successful right now, so... So... ... Tom, it's so nice to see you.

Starting point is 02:02:49 It's great to see you, buddy. Tom actually took me out. It's the one time I had asked for so many years if I could open up for people, and, Tom, you were the first kind soul to say yes to me, so I still thank you so much for that. Absolutely, and it happened at a Killtony show. It happened, yes.

Starting point is 02:03:03 The only time on Killtony it worked. Yeah, we had fun, man. That was a good time. Yeah, I used to hang out with that Filipino dude all the time at the Comedy Store. We used to do cocaine and drink together. That's not a lie, yes. Is that true?

Starting point is 02:03:15 Yes, I used to get fucked up with that. I forgot his name. I don't even know his name. But yeah, we used to get fucked up all the time at the Comedy Street. Really, you and him? Yes. I was a mess.

Starting point is 02:03:26 I loved it. I loved Filipino people. Yeah. Yeah. You really did cocaine with him? I think we did, yeah. There were a number of people. Tony, I would end up being up all night on Monday nights

Starting point is 02:03:38 and just going to do blow at different people's apartment, and they were probably lucky I didn't kill them, or I was lucky I didn't get killed. I don't know. A lot of people could have been killed in that scenario, but nobody was. You were a wild boy back in the day. I don't think people remember, and, you know, we've grown a lot the last couple few years.

Starting point is 02:03:59 I don't even think these new fans know what you used to be like. Yeah, I don't think they realize. For just a little insider baseball, every Kill Tony you've ever seen me at at the Comedy Store, I was high on cocaine and my vodka sprite. Every single Kill Tony appearance at the Comedy Store. So you would...

Starting point is 02:04:16 My great guests scratch all the advice that I gave. That's fucking... This worked out great, man. Yeah, except this guy hasn't really laughed at anything. I don't know what his fucking issue is. He looks like a fucking little twink over there. He got the little twink table over there. Other than that, and that little fucking pussy right over there.

Starting point is 02:04:36 Did you think I didn't see you, you fucking idiot? Did you think I didn't see you? Tom is, I look up to Tom, so don't fuck with me when he's up on the stage, dumbass. You must be one of the idiots talking shit or something. I can tell just by, you're not? Wow. This guy's been laughing the whole time, William.

Starting point is 02:04:54 Oh, has he? Yeah, it's crazy that you would attack him. I'm kidding. I apologize. Seriously, I'm sorry. That guy right there with the long hair and glasses hasn't been laughing at all, though. Oh, there'm sorry. That guy right there with the long hair and glasses hasn't been laughing at all, though. Oh, there he goes. He's started smiling at me. Yeah, he looks pretty strange down there.

Starting point is 02:05:14 Have you not been having fun, sir? Huh? What? Yeah, I can hear you, dumbass. I was just trying to... See if I can actually get you to keep on repeating yourself like an idiot. -♪ I'm a fool, I'm a fool, I'm a fool, I'm a fool, I'm a fool, I'm a fool, I'm a fool, I'm a fool, I'm a fool, I'm a fool, I'm a fool, I'm a fool, I'm a fool, I'm a fool, I'm a fool, I'm a fool, I'm a fool, I'm a fool, I'm a fool, I'm a fool, I'm a fool, I'm a fool, I'm a fool, I'm a fool, I'm a fool, I'm a fool, I'm a fool, I'm a fool, I'm a fool, I'm a fool, I'm a fool, I'm a fool, I'm a fool, I'm a fool, I'm a fool, I'm a fool, I'm a fool, I'm a fool, I'm a fool, I'm a fool, I'm a fool, I'm a fool, I'm a fool, I'm a fool, I'm a fool, I'm a fool, I'm a fool, I'm a fool, I'm a fool, I'm a fool, I'm a fool, I'm a fool, I'm a fool, I'm a fool, I'm a fool, I'm a fool, I'm a fool, I'm a fool, I'm a fool, I'm a fool, I'm a fool, I'm a fool, I'm a fool, I'm a fool, I'm a fool, I'm a fool, I'm a fool, I'm a fool, I'm a fool, I'm a fool, I'm a fool, I'm a fool, I'm a fool, I'm a fool, I'm a fool, I'm a fool, I'm a fool, I'm a fool, I'm a fool, I'm a fool, I'm a Mall of America this weekend, Tony, so really looking forward to Mall of America. What are your plans at the Mall of America? Probably get on my roller blades and skate through that motherfucker like Mighty Ducks. I think I'm gonna go through it like the Mighty Ducks.

Starting point is 02:05:54 That's my goal. Is that where they were set out of? I think. Is that true? Were they in Minneapolis? Yeah, I think. Right, Red Band? Yeah? Yeah, Red Band, our senior Mighty Duck correspondent. Uh...

Starting point is 02:06:12 Um... Wow. So the Mall of America. I've never been to the Mall of America. I've heard about it a lot. Have you been there? Oh, yeah, I've done a couple of weekends there at the House of Comedy. You did? Yeah, there's roller coasters in the middle of it and lot. Have you been there? Oh, yeah, I've done a couple of weekends there at the House of Comedy. Awesome place. You did? Yeah, there's roller coasters in the middle of it and stuff. It's fucking fun.

Starting point is 02:06:30 People showed up? Yeah. Wow. Wow. Cool. When was this? When were you headlining the Mall of America? Like five years ago. Wow. Oh, shit. What the hell is that? Oh, that's a...

Starting point is 02:06:46 I love it. Amazing. So what else is going on, William? Tell us more. Oh man, I'm just... Tony, I don't know. I think I'm very soon. I gotta figure... I gotta chill for a little bit. I feel like the comedy is going wonderful. I'm feeling very strong about the comedy, as strong as ever, but I got to take a little break here soon. I have to take some sort of a break, Tony. I'm getting burnt out a little bit. Is that funny? What's kind of funny about that?

Starting point is 02:07:17 You can only imagine what I'm going through right now, you dumb motherfucker. You can only imagine. What's funny about that? Seriously, what was funny about that? Just the idea of me struggling or something and you need to take a little break? Is that what was funny about that? Huh? Is that what was funny?

Starting point is 02:07:32 Me kind of struggling a little bit in my life? Yeah? Oh, my gosh. Thanks, sir. Thanks, you fucking idiot. Look at you. You look quite... God. William, have you been on the road a lot? Is that why? I have. Almost every weekend. It's been wonderful. Oh, so you've been look quite God William. Have you been on the road a lot? Is that why I have almost every weekend? It's been wonderful. You've been gigging a ton. I have been a lot. Okay, so you're kind of getting burned out from the road Yeah, no, it's wonderful, but I just have to take a little break. Yeah, that's normal

Starting point is 02:07:55 You should so let's say good, but it's been a lot of fun and please give you have a birthday get a cameo Please but those things are taking they've continued to take over my life. I've now done over 7,200 of the motherfuckers. He's literally one of the biggest money makers on all of cameo. How much is a cameo? I end up seeing around, I don't know, 100 bucks. They're a hundred bucks a piece? Uh-huh, so do the math on that, you little pussy.

Starting point is 02:08:25 You think that's funny? Yeah, how much is each cameo? I think it's $155. I was just getting so many. I've continued to have to do the price up. I was getting $100. I was having $100 to $150 at a time, and that's daunting.

Starting point is 02:08:41 That's when I start feeling like I'm going crazy. According to Red Band's calculations, you've made $1.1 million. No, cameo takes way more than that. No, it's nowhere near that. But because it's not always that's not always been the price, but that's just what it is right this second. Holy shit. So you don't really need to do any calculations, Red Band.

Starting point is 02:08:57 I think it'll be hard for you to figure out what I have actually made. Oh, 69. Wow. You're a man. Now, William, one of the things that I find so interesting about you in real life, and this isn't brought up on the show very often, but you're a very thrifty guy. I find you to be kind of like, you know, I wouldn't say smart with your money.

Starting point is 02:09:22 It's kind of interesting because you do make vast sums of money. You do not spend it much at all. You could tell by the way you're dressed. Pretty frugal tonight. I've just been losing mass sums of money on the stock market. No, I'm kidding.

Starting point is 02:09:39 The stock market's been good. Gotta give a shout out to my guy, Chief Theor. He's my financial analyst. I'm not even kidding. Thank you, Chief. What does he spend on? I've just been doing that. But now, yeah.

Starting point is 02:09:51 What do you spend your money on? What are some ways that you're not frugal? I get the real versions of Oreos. I don't get the knockoff versions of Oreos. I get the real fucking versions of the cereal. I don't get the bags of the cereal that the poor fucking versions of the cereal. I don't get the bags of the cereal that the poor people get on the bottom. I don't get that.

Starting point is 02:10:09 I get the actual things of cereal. That's kinda it. I don't know, got a TV because I don't know, eight months ago. Nice one. Yeah, pretty nice, like a 45 inch. Woo, the bedroom. Yeah, that's ballin' dude.

Starting point is 02:10:30 But yeah, I don't know Tony, I'm working on it all. Okay. Well, I love it. And you fly, do you fly first class? No. Do you have first class? No. Do you have a preference in where you sit on a flight? I like to sit at the very back of the plane because I want to watch everybody screaming and crying

Starting point is 02:10:53 as the plane is getting crushed up forward. So if I'm at the very back, I'm gonna have at least a second of just getting the absolute carnage unfolding in front of my fucking face. So I sit at the back. William, you have absolutely done it again. The only way to end a show like this is with you. Is there anything you want to do to take us out, William?

Starting point is 02:11:17 Just have fun this week, yo! Oh! Oh! You think you'll always be... fun this week. You think you'll always be, you think you'll always be in the back of the plane? Shit, I think I probably never gonna be in the back of the plane. William Montgomery, ladies and gentlemen, the drawing from Ryan J. E. Melvin's in. We did it again. How about a hand for Tom Segura, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you.

Starting point is 02:11:46 Get your damn tickets to the Moody's Center, February 22nd, 25. And the ballerina in Denver, September 14th. And everything else, awesome fun. Tom Segura, the specials, the podcasts, everything. How about one more time for the best damn band in the land? Matt Mueling on the electric guitar, John Deas on the keys, Michael Gonzalez on the drums, Carlos Sosa,

Starting point is 02:12:15 Fernando Castillo, and Raul Vallejo, the drawing from Chris Rogers. Cam Patterson tonight. I love it. Thank you guys so much. Red Band, you want to say something? Love you guys, thank you. Thank you again to Tom Segura, the fucking man.

Starting point is 02:12:38 Thank you, live audience. Good night, everybody. Thank you! The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open! Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday! Go to SunsetStripATX.com for tickets. Thanks for watching!

KILL TONY - #683 - TOM SEGURA

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