KILL TONY - #684 - JOHN CRIST + SECRET GUEST

Episode Date: September 24, 2024

John Crist, William Montgomery, Ari Matti, Casey Rocket, Kam Patterson, Hans Kim, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, Jon Deas, Matthew Muehling, Joe White, Kristie Nova, Yoni, Troy Conrad, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – 09/09/2024 Head to https://www.squarespace.com/killtony to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain using code KILLTONY For FREE breakfast for life go to https://hellofresh.com/freetony. Download the Gametime app, create an account, and use code KILLTONY for $20 off your first purchase. See why ZipRecruiter is the hiring site employers prefer most, based on G2. Try it FOR FREE at this exclusive web address: https://ziprecruiter.com/killtony  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Death Squad.tv and now on Spotify and Apple Podcasts. If you want to check out Tony Hinchcliffe's website, go to TonyHinchcliffe.com. Everything Golden Pony, including his tour dates, at TonyHinchcliffe.com. If you want to check out the Sunset Strip or get some Death Squad merch go to DeathSquad.tv. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey this is Redman coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas.

For a brand new episode of their lives, huh? Yeah! You made it, motherfuckers. This is the number one live podcast in the world brought to you by DraftKings. This is KilToni. Hi, everybody. How about one live podcast in the world brought to you by DraftKings. This is Kil Tony. Hi, everybody. How about one more time for the best? Oh, this is Red Band, everyone. There he is.

One more time for the best damn band in the land, huh? Come on. That's Grooveline Horns, the great Carlos Sosa, Fernando Castillo. Ha, ha, ha. Michael Gonzalez on the drums. Raul Vallejo on the horns. Look who else is joining us on horns tonight.

Keltoni legend, Jetski Jesse Johnson, ladies and gentlemen. Brum brum brum brum brum brum. Over here, the great Matt M mulling on the electric guitar John D's on the keys and this is D madness on the bass guitar ladies and gentlemen live in the flesh the real deal a Fantastic episode planned for y'all before we get started. Here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open.

Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to SunsetStripATX.com for tickets. What's it like to trade crypto on Kraken? Let's say I'm in a state-of-the-art gym surrounded by powerful-looking machines. Do I head straight for the squat rack? I could, but this gym has options, like trainers, fitness pros, fighters to back me up. That's crypto on Kraken, powerful crypto tools backed by 24-7 support and multi-layered security. Go to kraken.com and see what crypto can be. Not investment advice.

Crypto trading involves risk of loss. See kraken.com slash legal slash ca dash pru dash disclaimer for info on Kraken's undertaking to register in Canada. What does possible sound like for your business? It's more cash on hand to grow with up to 55 interest-free days. Redefine possible with Business Platinum. That's the powerful backing of American Express. Terms and conditions apply.

Visit mx.ca slash Business Platinum. Are you guys ready to start tonight's show or what? Yeah. Ladies and gentlemen, tonight's guest, it is his first time joining the show. Very, very awesome comedian. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for tonight's guest, John Crist, everybody. Come on.

Hell yeah. John. Welcome, John. Have a seat. Yeah, sit there. Yeah. John Crist. About to go on a huge tour. Let's do it. Tickets available at JohnCristComedy. Yeah. John Chris, about to go on a huge tour. Let's do it. Tickets billed with johnchriscomedy.com. It's like Christ but without the H. Hi, John.

That's a good way to say that. I'll take it. Yeah. Yeah, I'm good at figuring out ways to spell the H. Without the H, yeah. Right. Like Hinchcliff is H plus Inch, Cliff plus E. It's a haiku to start the show. It's 11 letters, not easy to spell. I don't know when I graduated high school. That's how I learned how to say it and spell it.

Yeah, yeah. Red band. H plus H, Cliff plus E. There you go. The great Jetski Johnson also joining us again. Just a reminder, she chimes in sometimes to the show. And we reward her with not only laughs, but also a vroom, vroom, vroom. Vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom.

You go like that. Vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom. You guys do that. Do it. You guys can do better than that. Do it again. There you go. There you go.

Red band really overpowering you guys, thinking that that makes sense there again. There you go. There you go. Red band really overpowering you guys. Thinking that that makes sense there, but it's okay. It's the least of our worries in this wonderful world. John, welcome to the show. We're going to see some comedy tonight. We're going to talk to comedians. We're going to figure out what makes them tick. I have 238 signups in this bucket tonight. I swear, there's a lot. There are everywhere. There's so many.

You almost ruined somebody's dream and just fell out of there. Absolutely incredible. That's the end. I'm going to put these back in. If I pull their name out, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then,

or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which interrupts them. And then I conduct an interview and we talk to them and we figure out more about them and what they could possibly have going on in their lives or what makes them special. Every episode's totally different. Every episode is improvised. Anything can happen as we go wrangle the comedian from across the street. I'm going to introduce a regular on the show, ladies and gentlemen.

I present to you, kicking off tonight's show with a brand new 60 Seconds, a legend of Kiltoni, a hall of famer in Kiltoni. We are starting the show with a hall of famer. You guys met this man one week after my monumental cancellation, in which my career has never been the same since. May 2021, he was sleeping in his van doing too many open mics everywhere in front of empty rooms.

Now he sells out all over the world. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise. Sing it if you know the words. This is Hans Kemp. Hey. So China recently landed a rover on the moon, so now there's fentanyl there. You know, doctors, they're not allowed to say retard anymore. They're gonna go up to the mother and say, congratulations, sir. Uh... Your child is gonna be a Kill Tony Golden Ticket winner.

A lot of women love drag shows, which I think is hilarious. Drag is where men dress up and pretend to be women. Can you imagine if there was a show where a woman dressed and acted like a dude? We would beat the fuck out of her. A lot of people are worried about drag queens grooming children during story hour. I am not worried because straight men still exist. And we're undefeated baby. You got story hour, we got private islands and jets.

We're gonna molest the shit out of your kids. All right, that's my time. Thank you. Hans Kim. Dissing China right from the get. Anything for you, Tony. Fuck those Chinese motherfuckers. Whoa, Jesus.

Hey, whoa. Good Lord Almighty. How's it going, Hans? Iers. Whoa, Jesus. Hey, whoa. Good Lord Almighty. How's it going, Hans? I'm doing great, Tony. I'm living life. I recently moved into a beautiful new apartment. I'm really close to Brian Redban.

Ooh, oh my goodness. What's that like, living close to Brian Redban? You smell the food? It kind of smells, yes. Oh my goodness. A lot of fried food. It kind of smells, yes. Oh my goodness. A lot of like fried food. So what's your apartment like? What's the new place like?

It's a high rise. I got a good view of everyone working hard. I'm just at my apartment writing about drag and children getting molested. Everyone else is working. I love it. John, you ever seen Hans Kim before? I just, in the green room.

Yeah, there you go. Very attractive woman he's with. Yeah. No, he does have a hot white girlfriend. Yeah, she's wearing a little black dress tonight. You can see a lot of her white skin, which I love. Wow. I don't know what to do with that.

It's great. No, I know. He doesn't give us much to work with here. It's an incredible shirt you have. Teal, there's almost a collar, but not really a collar. Where do you get something like that? Amazon.com. Amazon.com. Amazon.com. Not even the app, ladies and gentlemen.

He goes through the safari. And who pressed it for you? I actually iron all my clothes myself. It kind of runs in the family. Yeah. That joke deserved more than that, I feel like. That was great. That was good. Hans is doing good.

What else is going on in life, Hans? It's been a few weeks since we've seen you. Tell us more about your... I'm recently incorporated. I'm a proud proprietor of Low Effort Content LLC. That's the name of your company? Yeah. Wow.

A lot of podcasts and live streams. But yeah, I recently went on tour with the great Jesse Jetsky Johnson. We were the killers. We killed it. Yeah. Where'd you go? What cities? We did Denver and Omaha and sold out.

Tony, you're so amazing that you're selling out theaters when you're not even there. I completely agree. It is unbelievable what we've been able to do with our little universe. Well, I love it, huh? Anything fun happen when you were on the road in those places? We went to a restaurant. We, they closed it out for us.

David Lucas has the inside scoop. He's, you know, he's familiar with the, you know, the lower, the gang members. What kind of restaurant was it? It was like a Korean restaurant. Ooh. Hans also took us to a gay bar, and then Cam and David and I paid the cover,

and we were looking for him, and he was waiting outside because he didn't want to pay the covers. Hans is a notorious miser. Very, very thrifty man, thus the Amazon shirt. How much was that shirt on Amazon? This is $25. Whoa!

It's actually a lot more than I thought it would be. Was that Easter clearance sale? What was that? It's pastel colors, you know. All right. That's in the headliner, I thought, Tony. What was that? It's pastel colors, you know. All right. That's in the headliner, I thought, Tony. I thought he pays the cover for all the other...

I will say Cam did pay for me and David. And I was like, you don't have to. He's like, I got you. And then Hans, where are you? We're texting him. He's like, I'm by the entrance. And we thought he was by the... He was outside the entrance.

What happened, Hans? What was going through your mind? I was standing out there. I went in and the guy touched me. Very weird. And then I went in and they were like, it's $15. And I was like, oh, let me wait for the crew to come in. Let me make sure that they're in there. I don't want to spend money if they're not going to be in there. And then turns out they were in there the whole time. And I was just waiting outside. How long were you waiting outside for? Probably like 30 minutes.

Yeah, it was a long time. Wow. I don't think it was a gay bar, but David Jolly saw everyone dance, and he was like, this shit's gay. We got to get out of here. Any bar can be a gay bar if David Jolly said so. So Hans, when you went in the gay bar, anything cool happen in there?

I got in and I left immediately. I really didn't get to see any gayness. Did you ask for a refund? I was like, hey, I got to pay for Amazon shirts. Give me my money back. Oh, all right, Hansi. Fun times. Way to get the show started.

Ladies and gentlemen, a new minute from Hans Kim. Solid. There we go. Solid minute. And here we go to the bucket. Ladies and gentlemen, this is where shit gets wild. This is where we meet somebody. Could be somebody's first time ever on stage.

Could be somebody that's been doing it 20 years, hoping and waiting to get a chance to make it on this show. Could be the next star of comedy. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you your first bucket pull of the night. 60 seconds uninterrupted, going to Duncan Stone Street, everybody. Here comes Duncan Stone Street.

What's going on? Y'all probably can't tell by looking at me, but I fucking love Lizzo. I do. Most of my friends, they tell me all the time, that's disgusting. You shouldn't like big girls like that. I can't believe you admit that.

I'm from Mississippi. We don't brag about catching the smallest fish. You know what I mean? Nobody thinks of it that way. But I do. I fucking love Lizzo. I get the same feeling seeing her as when I see like a fresh rotisserie chicken at three in the afternoon after day drinking and I got $18 left and you know that one you need to survive? Yeah, I love her, man. I was on her side when she got all that negative press, too, you know?

I don't know if y'all heard, she shoved a banana in a stripper's pussy and tried to make one of the backup dancers eat it. Y'all hear about that? Allegedly. But I was on her side. I thought we should point out the positives, you know? At least her big ass is eating fruit now.

Yeah! It's the wrong lips, but it out the positives, you know? At least her big ass is eating fruit now. It's the wrong lips, but it starts to start, you know? Hey, my name is Duncan Stone Street, y'all. That's my time. Thank y'all, y'all were so kind. Duncan Stone Street. Welcome, Duncan. Is this your first time on the show? Yes, sir.

Absolutely, you're so polite. I love the sirs coming. Where are you from? I'm from Star, Mississippi. Storm? Star. Star, Mississippi. What's Star, Mississippi known for? Faith Hill's from there, if you ever heard of her.

Yeah, is there a lot of people in Star, Mississippi? No, actually if you Google it on the Google right now, it'll tell you zero people live there. If you Google it on the Google right now, it'll tell you zero people live there. If you Google it on the Google. Yeah. How far are you from where Forrest Gump was raised? Not too far. I bet. It's two R's. Start with two R's.

Is it or no? No, it's just one. One R. No, two R's would be too hard for everybody to put at the end. I feel like there's a lot of R's there. Yeah. Brum brum brum brum brum brum. Yeah.

There's also a lot of R's in durr. What do you do for work, Duncan? Well, this last month, man, I'd just been road tripping it. I went and crashed with a buddy and did comedy for like a month in Phoenix and hung out and seen what the scene was like out there. And it was fucking rad. Yeah, what was rad about it?

Out there in Phoenix. Man, it was wild. I woke up one night with a bag of cocaine. And I don't do cocaine at all. Wow, how did you know it was cocaine if you don't do it? Uh, well I was at this bar and I saw this dude doing a lot of cocaine and he offered me some and then like we hung out. I said no, we're shooting pool, few too many drinks later, you know, you hit that point

of the night where you just don't remember a lot and then I just woke up the next day and it was in my pocket. Isn't that an amazing magical story? Yeah, it was a miracle, dude. I needed the money. I flipped that shit. Did you? Did you sell the cocaine? How much did you sell it for? Oh, man. My mom's watching. Gonna watch this. I was about to say it.

Oh, it was enough to, you know, cover a couple tabs for the next couple nights, so while I was open, I can, I mean. Wow. I didn't know, I'm not. You just sniffled after you said that. Yeah, I've been staying with a buddy who has a cat, and I'm like fucking dying.

Okay. So what do you think really happened? Do you think your buddy slipped a bag of cocaine in your pocket? You think you had something to... We're not the cops, also. No, I was at the bar... Were you with the white trash tooth fairy that night or something?

No, it was in Tempe. In Tempe, yeah. Yeah, that's where the white trash tooth fairy lives. He's the star. I woke up with a bag of cocaine under my pillow. Right. But yeah, I don't know. I thought I had gotten drunk because I called my girl the next day.

I was like, yeah, I have this whole, like, block of time I don't remember, and I didn't, like, have any money gone that I didn't know about or nothing. And I was like, jokes on him. I mean, he put a drug in my drink. I had a good night and I got his cocaine, you know? So, fuck that guy. Absolutely.

You said you have a girlfriend? Yes, sir. How long you been with her? October coming up will be a year. Okay, and she's still in Star, Mississippi? No, she's in Hattiesburg. It's about an hour away from Star, yeah. Oh my goodness, how did you meet her?

Well, she works at a tattoo shop that my dad used to work at and help open. And yeah, just years ago in there, stopping by. Just ended up. What do you mean stopping by? Yeah, what do we tell him? Well, like I've had a lot of weird jobs. So like I travel from the top of Mississippi to the bottom.

So like I'm always just fucking stopping by. I don't know, you know what the. You say you had a weird job? We've never done that. You had a weird job? I've had a lot of them, man. What what the... You say you had a weird job? We've never done that. You had a weird job? I've had a lot of them, man. What was the weird job where you would go from the top to the bottom of Mississippi? I used to deliver seafood, gumbos, bisques, and pies for this fucking...

Wait, can you name all the types of seafood that you would... What types of shrimp was there exactly? I've got to memorize. Exactly. So you got... Barbecue shrimp, there was cocktail shrimp, brine shrimp. There was everything. What's your... please tell me your girlfriend's name is Jenny. I'm gonna lose my fucking mind right now.

No. I swear, it was... I had a lot of weird jobs. I was in the military for a while. Spent some time on the base out in Phoenix. Pfft. It's been a crazy life. I'm actually, my last name's Stone Street,

because my great-great-great-grandfather was the first to put a stone on a street. Pfft. Had to come from somewhere, man. I don't know. Keep naming the seafood. What kind of seafood were you delivering? was the first to put a stone on a strafe. Had to come from somewhere, man. Keep naming the seafood. What kind of seafood were you delivering? Well, we would make like seafood pies.

You had, yeah, it's the most disgusting shit ever. You got like lobster bisque, crawfish bisques. Keep going. You had shrimp gumbos, crawfish gumbos. You had, man, it was just nasty though. It had like a bunch of heavy cream in it and the guy that worked for it, he sucked balls. I hated that guy.

Keep naming seafood. Oh, there's king crabs bisques, you know. I said lobsters already. There's king crabs bisques, you know. I said lobsters already. Lobster gumbos and bisques. I think that's about it. There's a lot of bisques. There's mostly bisques. It's for white people and you know,

they just, you know, gumbo's for poor people and bisque is for like rich people. Absolutely. It's insider info. Yeah, yeah. Absolutely. And usually the poor people shit is way better. Yeah, would you sneak some gumbo sometimes? Would you toss some out on a hot Mississippi day?

Fuck that guy. I would tell you, yeah. One time he made me scrape all this ice off some shit and I was so mad so before I left I popped all the lids on this shit in the freezer and left before I quit. I can't tell if this is a character or the real guy. Oh, it's the real guy.

Fuck that guy. It's the real guy. I hated that guy. Wow. Amazing. Where was this during the one minute set? You should have talked about this, I feel like. I couldn't name enough seafood quick enough. It wouldn't all fit in a minute.

I love it. So your one-year anniversary with your girlfriends coming up, what is their first name? Samantha. So what are you planning on getting Samantha for your one-year anniversary? Um, I don't know. We're more of a trip couple. Like, we like to take, like, little weekend trips and stuff.

Okay. So, uh... Where are you thinking about taking her? Oh, man. To the bedroom as soon as I get home first, uh... Where are you thinking about taking her? Oh, man. To the bedroom as soon as I get home first, but... Oh, my goodness. ...fucking... Do you have any special moves in the bedroom when you fucking forest hump?

Um, no, not really. I just, you know, you know, you just eat it for a while and then... Is hers more of a bisque or a gumbo? The best bisque. The best bisque they got. That's amazing. Yeah, best bisque on earth, you know? Definitely. Just an elaboration on the mic to the chin.

Oh shit, sorry. No, it's just... It makes me more comfortable. Yeah, keep it there. not supposed to do this? No, it's just, that maybe that's a... It makes me more comfortable. Yeah, keep it there. Yeah, put it back. No, put it back. There you go. Keep it there.

Keep it there for the rest of the set. He does look more confident. If you remove it, we're gonna fucking super glue it to you. Yeah. Last thing before I let you go, craziest thing that you can think about that we would find intriguing about your entire life. My entire life?

I mean, jeez, we learned so much just from your seafood job. Oh, man. Man, I've seen some wild shit. I grew up in a tattoo shop. My dad was a tattoo artist most of my life. Has he passed away now? No, no, no. Oh, you talk about like...

He's close to it. He's got like diabetes and shit. I bet he does. How do you think he got diabetes? What's his uh, what's his uh? I was sitting in a chair for 20 something years doing tattoos eating pizza and wings every fucking day just Well, you got the money to sit down and not do shit, it's nice man, that's fucking great I Love it any special skills or talents? I don't need to sit down and not do shit. It's nice, man. That's fucking great. I love it. Any special skills or talents?

I play a little guitar and stuff like that, but I don't want to wait, you know. When's the last time you played guitar? Probably at the dude I'm staying with's house before we left to come hang out. You played guitar today? Yes, sir. How long have you been playing guitar?

Well, I didn't start learning songs until I quit smoking weed for like a month I thought I had like I thought I had like a mental block for a long time. I was like, I don't got no rhythm Yes, I'm just retarded. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah Matt what do you think should we let this guy fucking well? I think this is an amazing opportunity because we have a brand new guest guitar. Oh, we do! We have, yeah. Oh, yeah, let's go!

Tell us, where do we get that guitar from again? This is a gift from our fan, Casey Butler. Okay, where's that? He's in Mississippi, I believe. Wait, Kate, what? How ironic. That's wild. Yeah, and you've been a fucking tear this thing.

Oh, let's do it. It started in Mississippi and it's ending up in the hands of a man from Mississippi. Is that still where you live? What the fuck? Put that mic on your chin. What the hell are you talking about? Michael Gonzalez.

Music info, man. We got a fucking, you know. Oh, really? Okay. Where's the fucking guitar? Jesus Christ. It's right here. Look at this thing. It's a nice guitar. Can I talk about this thing for a second? It is unbelievable. Yeah, where's the fucking guitar Jesus Christ?

Talk about this thing for a second yeah talk about the guitar Before he put a kill Tony pit guard up here at the tile The logo is there he put a bullet target toggle switch in this thing whoa He put revolver Volume and tone knobs on this thing. Yeah, the barrels of a gun. Yeah, it's... It's Killtony themed all the way through. It's a Les Paul or Gibson.

It's bad as fuck. I'm gonna make sure it's in tune before we play. Oh, okay, great. This is great. I'm so glad we got this brand new Killtony guitar in case of emergencies. Somebody would have to play. Perfect time to tune it is live, ladies and gentlemen. Live.

We're gonna find out which one's the more retarded guitar player tonight, everybody. I think it's a... Welcome to another episode of Mentally Gatarded with Matt Mueling and Duncan Stone Street. This is absolutely incredible. It's ready to go. I've never played with other people before,

so this is gonna be wild. It's ready to go. Captain Jokes is what Matt Mueling just said. All right, can we get a better system of passing this guitar perhaps? Yeah, we gotta figure some kind of system out. We have seven producers standing around looking at how to teleport a physical object using the force.

Here we go. Okay. All right. No, this is perfect. We'll hand it. The bullet. Oh, we have the guest actually as the roadie right now. This is amazing.

You don't need that. A fucking $8,000 guitar. Is it causing... Oh, it's a bullet. There's bullets on the strap too. It's absolutely incredible. Just... what the fuck is going on? This is the goddamn...

Yeah, we haven't... Still no producers on Sleeve. We haven't figured out a system for the fucking... What a pile of shit our producers are today. I'm kidding, don't give me a fucking sad face, you goofballs. Oh, we fucked up, there's no way you could have known. All right, ladies and gentlemen.

Okay, ladies and, wait, what? Do you wanna pick? Oh, he brought his own pick. Yeah, I used to own. I brought my own pick. Yeah. Yeah. I used to carry this pick in my pocket while delivering gumbos. Brought my own, brother.

All right, let's see. Let's do it. ["Bring It On"] Well, it sure didn't take too long Woke up in the morning, she's gone And note that she wrote that Said, yeah, John, it's a good-bye, smbye sucker, I'm gone Wow, ladies and gentlemen I fucking, god damn, sorry Three chords and a shitty voice I'm so glad we waited five minutes for that guitar to make it over to you

That was an absolutely incredible performance This is one of the worst interviews I've ever handled in my life. I take the blame Completely no no not you you did great. I should I should have fucking I Should have milked you and turned it into bisque, you know what I mean? Hell yeah, brother. Oh, there's the lovely, see this is what I'm talking about. Wow. Ladies and gentlemen, the lovely Heidi, everybody.

Wow. And Duncan, you know what? Yes, sir. Even though you just talked about Lizzo for your 60 seconds and I'd love to hear you talk more about you and about your life. I'm still gonna give you a big joke book. There he goes. Duncan Stone Street ladies and gentlemen. Alright. We got another bucket full. By the way, I was kidding around. How about a hand for the amazing producers here at Kill Tony? Yoni, Christy, everybody.

It's amazing. With the greatest team on planet Earth. Good day, y'all. This podcast is sponsored by Game Time. You all know I'm a big fan of live events from music and comedy and small clubs all the way to theaters and the big arenas. I love it all.

That's why I use Game Time. Game Time has a new feature called Game Time Picks that makes getting tickets for concerts and events even easier. Game Time Picks filters out the fluff to show you only incredible deals on great seats so you don't have to waste your time searching through thousands of

tickets. Tony, I love Game Time. They make buying tickets so easy and affordable. I just found a super deal with Game Time Picks for Weezer at the Moody Center. That's going to be fun. It's so easy to pick your seats, add them to your cart and check out.

I personally love the seat views before you buy plus the lowest price guarantee. That is amazing, Red Band with Game Time Picks curation makes it easier to save more on sports, concert, comedy and theater. Plus, they're all in pricing that shows the total upfront with no surprise fees at checkout. Game Time also has the best ticket coverage. Your purchase is covered with the most flexible customer service policy

in the ticketing industry. So take the guesswork out of buying tickets with Game Time. Download the Game Time app, create an account, use code KILTONY for $20 off your first purchase. Terms apply. Again, create an account, redeem code K-I-L-L-T-O-N-Y for $20 off, that's why download game time today. What time is it?

Game time. Hello. This podcast is sponsored by HelloFresh. We all know home cooked meals are so much better for you, but you don't always have time to pull it off. But with HelloFresh handling all the meal planning, shopping, and most of the prep, it's easier than ever to get dinner on the table quick and painless. No more endless recipe searching or spending money

on a whole jar of spices for only a pinch. With HelloFresh, everything you need to make your delicious meals comes right to your door, pre-portioned and fresh, plus the included step-by-step recipe cards make cooking simple. Red band. Tony, I love HelloFresh. It makes cooking at home easy, healthy, and affordable.

I made the honey butter barbecue chicken and it was delicious. It took virtually no time to make. Ooh, honey butts. That's amazing Red Band. For free breakfast for life, go to hellofresh.com slash free Tony. One free breakfast item per box

while subscription is active. That's free breakfast for life just by going to hellofresh.com slash free Tony hello fresh America's number one meal kit all right your next bucket pull I love one word names this should be exciting make some noise for Jeremy ladies and gentlemen Jeremy Ladies and gentlemen, Jeremy. What's up, Bukami Mothership? Make some motherfucking noise. Make some motherfucking noise. So, I can't wait to lose my virginity.

Uh, the toughest part about losing your virginity is saving up all the money to pay for it. And that's what's up. I already know what flavor I'm gonna get too, black. That's the freakiest flavor according to Siri. Siri, who's got two thumbs and got a bad case of jungle fever? This guy. And that's what's up. Austin's got a lot of homeless people.

She should just stay with your mom like me. It's way cheaper. What's fun about staying with your mom, though, is her fucking boyfriend, Jerry. I fucking want to kill this fucking guy. I legit thought of that. Here's my impression of my mom's boyfriend, Jerry, fucking her.

Oh, oh, I'm fucking with you. I'm gay. I'm gay, but I fucking, I fuck pussy. And that's what's up. I know a lot of people, I know a lot of people, I know a lot of people say, oh, you look like a guy that goes to the Paralympics just to heckle the, just to heckle all of them. I mean, it'd be like, oh, I should give you

a standing ovation? You can't even get up and give me one. But no, it's all good. Hey, there's so many handicapped, how many handicapped people you think are at the Paralympics? Every time I watch it, every time I watch the Paralympics, I was like, am I watching an episode of Kill Tony? And that's what's up. That's my time, hardship!

Wow. Thank you so much. Jeremy. Thank you so much. Unbelievable. Thank you so much. You're welcome, you're welcome Jeremy, Jesus. Unbelievable. Thank you so much. You're welcome. You're welcome, Jeremy. Jesus.

Wow. Well written. I gotta tell ya, this is your first time on the show, right Jeremy? First time doing stand up, man. Wow. I talk a lot of shit on Xbox Live, but that's not it. And I feel like it's pretty funny, but it's one of those things where you just got to... Fuck, I'm sorry, I'm super fucking nervous right now.

I'm so fucking nervous. Is Joe Rogan here right now? No, no, he's not here. Don't let him watch this. This is my first time. This is a... That has to be one of the best first-time sets I've ever seen in my entire life on this show. Are you fucking serious? Yeah. This is incredible. So I don't even know where to begin, Jeremy.

Jeremy, Jeremy, how old are you? Let's start there, because you are a deceptive figure. There's a lot going on there. You have the face of a man, the hair of an older man, yet it's acne. Say it, say it. I can tell you, I can tell you. There's a lot of acne. There's some snot coming out of your nose. Braces.

Braces, yes. It's... Hey, I'm Red Man Braces. Fuck you, Red Man! Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. Wow. Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. Amazing. Unbelievable stuff. Are you a big Joel McHale fan? Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, or he's on a show on Fox called Animal Control where he's always trying to help out animals and stuff.

I'm a big animal guy. And there'll be like a raccoon coming in, the raccoon's like, and the control's like, I'll fucking, I'll fucking save you, man. I'll put you back with your family. And yeah, but it's not my favorite show. Naked in a Fray is my favorite show,

cause, oh yeah, cause fucking Freach it, Freach it. Who loves Freach it? Who loves Freach it? Who loves free tits? No, but it's all good. I'm 38. Hey. Wow. Jeremy, what have you been doing with your life up until this point?

What's going on over there? I just got... Pulled something out of my... Oh, you... You pulled something out of your other pocket. Oh, it's just a little Q-tip. Oh, it's a Q-tip. It's just a Q-tip?

I just read... Well, I keep all my personal belongings in the fanny pack. We have a segment on this show. Anytime anybody wears a fanny pack, it's called What's in that Fanny Pack. You guys want to play a game of What's in that Fanny Pack? And so I say the words, Jeremy, what's in that fanny pack?

What if I was just like, a fucking gun? There's not. There's not. There's not. There's not there's not there's not there's not there's not but that'd be so fucking funny about like fucking oops wrong night to come to the show so it's a pretty standard pretty standard for any pack pockets. I got some CBD rub-on for... for your, uh, for whatever hurts. Got myself a little Nature's Bakery fig bar. Raspberry. Arguably the best flavor of fig bar.

I got my lucky five. I went to my first strip club two weeks ago in Austin. The velvet, um, what is it? The rose. The red rose. The red rose. Holy shit. I mean, okay.

I didn't get a dance, but I found a five. And I was like, and let's just say it still smells like whatever it was. Got some floss. Got some weed, which I'm looking hopefully to smoke with you guys after the show. I've never smoked weed either, so I told myself, if I get pulled out of the bucket, I'm getting fucking high tonight! And I'll get so high, and my allergies will kick in so clear.

Got some loose tums. I got some loose tums. Because, because you never know when you're going to get fucking diarrhea, right Red Band? Oh, and then I got, I went to Vegas about a month ago for my buddy's bachelor party. And they already split up because he fucking, we went to this donkey show and he didn't do anything with the donkey but but he was like it just he got we got wild and he's there so they're splitting up you have it something fell oh I don't got more tums bitch then, so we stayed at the Tropicana in Las Vegas, so. Oh shit, I thought I was about to get beat up

by a blind guy. So that's it. What's up, Doc? So that's it. That's all for my favorite. That might be one of my favorite cases of what's in that fanny pack that I've ever seen. Joel McHale should host that.

Wow. You really love Joel McHale. Pretty good. Good actor. Amazing stuff. I thought the, wasn't the, I thought when you go into a strip club with Cash and then you give it, I wasn't,

I don't think it comes back this way. Jeremy, how did you? Oh, I found it. There's a girl, she got up from dancing, it fell out, fucking, find your sleepers. Oh, I'm not going to take a bite of the hard bell that was in that stripper's pussy. Okay. Okay. Jeremy, you talked about your mom's boyfriend.

Oh, I fucking hate this guy. His name's Jerry. So, I fucking hate this guy. His name's Jerry. So my folks split like when I was like 10, and thanks for bringing it up. And it was... I mean, it fucking sucks. It fucking sucks. I'm gonna be honest. It fucking sucks.

What's your relationship with Jerry like? He's just stuck. He's like... He's not even... He's not a good guy. He's always like, I'm gonna fuck your mom and He says that to you. Yes, and I'm like you can do it. You don't have to tell me you're gonna do it Do I know you're doing it? You're in my room while I'm sleeping doing it. I know you're doing it Yeah, it's but it's really it's just not a good guy and but she's she's picks losers and I fucking and I always talk shit And they always fucking he gets physical with he doesn't push me, but he's always touching this shit,

the fucking nose, does that shit. And I don't know if you've ever been eating fucking, your fucking cereal, and somebody's like, what's up? No, never. Wait a second. Uh oh. Okay, stay with me.

This no joke, I live in San Antonio, this no joke happened two weeks ago. I wake up, I go downstairs, go downstairs, right? I fucking take a shit, I go get some fucking fruit loops, favorite cereal, what's up? And I'm sitting down, I'm fucking slaming some fruit loops, and you're fucking out here, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, and I was like fuck, and he comes downstairs,

and he goes, what's up, bitch? And I fucking spill my fruit loops, and then I bend down to pick him up, and he got I fucking spilled my Froot Loops, and then I bent down to pick him up, and he got down on the floor and goes, fucking, he takes shit off the floor. I was like, that's a little aggressive, Jerry. I'm just gonna go fucking back to my room. He fucking ran around the hallway

and met me on the other side of the bathroom. And... And I fucking, right at the bottom of the staircase, I open my eyes, because when I'm scared I close my eyes when I run. And I get around the corner and I open my eyes and I go, oh shit, and he goes, what the fuck, you think I was going to fucking disappear on you? So I fucking hate him. And because I want to rap, I want to be a rapper and he always tells me, wait, what?

Okay. So I go, can I, I never, I haven't rapped live and I haven't, so I was like, you know, and he's like, you fucking, cause you fucking can't. Oh, you fucking can't. You fucking can't. Oh, Michael, you missed another one. Oh.

You fucking can't. So he's always just so discouraging about me trying to do anything positive with my life. And so I hate him for that too. I'm like, I'm gonna rap and one day I'm gonna rap. Most of my raps consist of like, you know, I'm gonna fucking kill, I'm gonna kill Jerry someday, you know. Wait, hit me real quick. You have a rap? Are you about to...

Ladies and gentlemen, rapping. Calling his own shots, Jeremy, ladies and gentlemen. Yo. Yo. Yo. Yo, yo. I get into bed, put my fucking therapeutic pillow on my head. I'm gonna sleep tight. I'm gonna sleep right with my nightlight, psych.

I'm touching my dick. To your mom's sweet tits. I'm gonna come in your cereal. Welcome to your happy bill. This is how we stroll. This is how we roll. Don't meet me in the streets. Arby's got the meats.

If you see me naked, I'ma fuck you up. You best believe me. That's what's up. Wow, Jeremy. That's what's up? Wow, Jeremy. That's what's up. Jeremy, you're so in touch with the band and music. It is incredible, I wouldn't have guessed that. He's gotta listen.

Wow. He's gotta follow the beat, Tony. I'm learning a lot from you here tonight, Jeremy. Yeah, I fucking hate him. I don't know, I just wanted to be happy. And he, he's, he's... You have a phone on you? You have, you have...

Yeah, you guys locked it up though. Yeah, of course. You're a bucket pool. You're a hazard. I mean, anything could happen here. This is a real show. Yeah. But you do have your, the guy,

your mom's boyfriend's phone number, right? Oh, I have to have it in case of emergency. Can we unlock Jeremy's phone? How many do you think we should call the guy that's fucking his mom, huh? All right, kind of a lackluster applause from the audience on that, even though... I want another hand for the lovely Heidi, huh? Thanks, Heidi! Oh, he's got it. I know. I'll have another hand for the lovely Heidi, huh? Thanks, Heidi.

I always got it. Oh, fuck. I don't think this is a good idea, Tony. So you're gonna put it on speakerphone after you hit it, and then you're gonna put the, okay. Yeah, or I could call him for real, Red Band. Yeah. Yeah, the phone doesn't ring when you call somebody, Red Band.

I've been meaning to tell you that for 11 and a half years, but... Okay. I gotta talk to him in like a week, so it's gonna be... All right, here we go. All right, ladies and gentlemen. There you go. Fucking piece of shit. What's up, little tits?

Fuck you, Jerry. What's up? What do you want? I don't know. I'm on this show and I should call you to say what's up. Oh, yeah. Well, I already said what's up. So what else do you have anything new to say? Just I'm gonna fucking... You better fucking watch where you sleep, bitch. Yeah? Why? Why, you think you're gonna be able to do something about it? Yeah, I'm gonna do something about it!

What, you gonna go cry to your neighbor? Your little 14 year old neighbor you got? He's fucking, his name's Tanner and he's fucking wise for his age. Yeah, he's wise to you, I'm sure. He's fucking... Dude, Tanner can fuck my mom better than you could. Oh, is that right? Is that right?

Well, that's not what she said yesterday. That's not what she said last week. Stop telling me that you fuck her! Dude, I have to. She has needs, bud. I've been telling you that... You'll never be my fucking dad. Why do you keep calling me that out of the way?

I am your dad. Your other dad didn't want you. I barely want you, but at least I'm here. Hey. Yeah, well, that's your opinion. Uh-huh. I got 500 friends at the Comedy Mothership right now that would love to suck your d-

or that would love to f- Let me take that again. That would love to fucking fuck you up, dude. Yeah, they might. Yeah, they might. Hey, guys, you got the TV on in the background? Do I got the TV on? No, I'm outside.

I got 500 friends. You don't have 500 friends. You'll never have 500 friends. We all know that. Oh, yeah. We all know that. You're so fucking cute. Jerry, who's that?

Oh, your mom's actually calling me in the other room right now. Fuck you, Jerry. Fuck, I'm gonna kill you tonight. Wow. Sorry, I panicked. There he is. Amazing. The courage that it takes to call the man who's fucking your mother on this show is incredible. It is what it is.

And that's what's up. Should be nicer to him if he gave you that whole outfit to wear. Yeah, he did buy me these fucking Jordans. That was pretty sweet. I'm gonna tell you what, Jeremy. I'm sorry. It took a turn. I'm gonna tell you what, Jeremy. I'm sorry, it's a good turn.

An incredible set, an incredible interview. Honored to be on the show. Thanks for having me, motherfuckers. You guys are fucking unbelievable, dude. I've been watching this show for fucking like 60 years. I live in San Antonio. I fucking love William. I fucking, I thought I was gonna see Hans Kim tonight.

I wrote a joke. If I saw him, I was gonna be like, be like Hans if you're here who's cutting me off in traffic without signaling I was gonna I had a whole fucking and I fucking didn't get to see him But I fucking love this show and I just wanted to be fucking I'm honored to fucking meet you Tony I'm glad that you love this show and I'm glad that you're a fan because that probably means It probably means that what's about to happen to you is going to be a life-changing moment because Jeremy, I would like to award you

a golden ticket, everybody. Wow. And you know what else? I've never done this before, especially for somebody who it's their first time on the show. But you know what, Jeremy? Why don't you come sit right here and join us for the rest of the show on panel. Oh, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, Jeremy, Jeremy, Jeremy has joined the show. Hey! Oh, a loose tongue. Here he comes. Whoa.

Come here, Jeremy. Welcome to the show. Amazing. It's a big day. Wow. What? Thank you for the lime. What? Thank you for the lime? For the lime?

Oh, it's a tongue. Our fan base is so stupid. She thought it was a lime. An actual lime. She thought a tongue was a fucking fruit, Tony. Yeah. It's absolutely incredible.

Is a singular tum a tum? That's a great question. Yeah, I think more than two tums is tums. Oh, wow. Oh, call me an Uber, about to get fucked up. How in the world did Heidi know what Jeremy's drink is? How do you know what a blog drink is? That's incredible. Well, I have a blog.

www.jeremydrinksthisonmondays.com. So, I bet Heidi subscribes. Jeremy, we're going to get back to this bucket with you. How about one more time for Jeremy, ladies and gentlemen. And we're here with John Chris and the panel debut of Jeremy. Your next bucket full. We're going to meet them all together. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Chris DiOrio.

Chris DiOrio. All right. So growing up, I had a very weird senior prom and my date, she did not have a good night at all. Now, to be fair, she wasn't the prettiest girl in the whole world, but, man, her body... Whoo. Still hasn't been found. I hope she's doing well.

Speaking of bodies, I'm feeling kind of sad because I realized recently that we could have cut the obesity epidemic in this country in half if we had just put that transgender person on a can of Mountain Dew instead. Listen, say what you want, but if we got Rednecks to boycott Mountain Dew, this whole country would be a CrossFit gym within six months, alright? And listen, I never got the whole Bud Light controversy, okay? I just thought they were trying to promote safe drinking, right?

Like you go out with your boys, you drink your Bud Lights, you look down at the can, and as soon as Dylan Mulvaney looks fuckable, time to go home, boys. Time to go home. Thank you so much. I'm Chris DiOrio. All right, Chris DiOrio pushing it to the limit there. How's it going, Chris? How are you? Doing well, thank you, sir.

First time on the show, right? Yes, sir, absolutely. How long you been doing stand-up? About four years. All right. How old are you? 42. 42. What made you start at 38? That's how old Jeremy is. He just started. Yeah, Jeremy you humbled me out there man.

That was great. Thanks for that. I started for a charity. I did a charity event and opened my competition for a charity event. The Cystic Fibrosis Foundation. Shout out to them. Okay. And yeah, I got hooked ever since and been in about four years now. Okay, I love it. Well, how do you make a living? I got laid off recently so I make a living off my wife paying for me to do things like this. What does your wife do? She's in marketing.

She's a marketing executive so. What did you do before you got laid off? I was in IT sales. Okay. What do you do for fun? Any hobbies or anything like that? Yeah, I got a ton of stuff I like to do. I travel a lot.

I'm big in the whiskey. Big whiskey guy. Ooh. Yeah. Big bourbon guy. Yeah, a lot of volunteering with charities. Wow. You work a lot with charities. I do, yeah. What's your dark side? I found in my research that people that work a lot

in charities tend to have like, you know, like Jerry Sandusky who was huge into charities. Oh, man, yeah. I'm all fucked up. Um... Yeah. I'm a military veteran, too. I was an Air Force guy, so that's probably where it all started. Oh, nice. And then, uh...

What did you do in the Air Force? So it's called Disaster Response, Disaster Preparedness. I joined right before 9-11. Oh, perfect timing. Yeah, yeah. And then, uh... Shout out. Oh, perfect timing. Yeah, yeah. And then, uh... Shout-out. Yeah, thank you. Yeah. -♪ Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, Right around the corner. You have open wounds on your face, Jeremy. Open sores. This is absolutely incredible.

Yeah, COVID really took a toll on everybody. I have a question. Yeah. Yes, sir. So let's say I get a woman to come back to my apartment. What's, what do I do? Now we're going to the super hypothetical here. We're talking things that may and probably will never happen. But theoretically, you're probably, I'd probably drug her, to be honest with you.

No, what, give your real- What else sort of advice do you have other than that? Why don't you give your actual advice? Like what would you, what do you do? What's your tricks to, you know- Foreplay, right? How do you do what's your tricks to you know how do you please your wife yeah I'm funny fortunately so that's what all it takes and she's got a great sense of humor but you can't you can't come inside her

with punch lines you know I'm saying like I'm saying like what do I do do I start with my fingers and my fucking head like what do I do I'd start with your personality that's that yeah, start with personality and then uh... Physically though, like what do I physically... You know what I'm saying? Yeah, what do you physically do? Yeah, lower back, you start with the lower back. Yeah, the lower back is like the man's stomach.

That's the key to a woman's... Like push on it or what? Just gently, yeah, gently push on it. Well, push her a little bit towards the bedroom. Oh, okay, so say like... Yeah, yeah, kind of gently just... She'll figure it out what you're trying to do real quick, you know, just kind of... Do I have to say something like,

hey, aren't you getting sleepy or something? You know? It feels like it's about time to go watch some Hulu, wouldn't you say? And then just fucking push her or what? I'd start with like a, where were you on 9-11 as you're kind of pushing your... Okay....towards the bedroom. So dirty talk. Yeah, yeah. You're a fucking pusher or what? I'd start with like a, where were you on 9-11 as you're kind of pushing your...

Okay. Towards the bedroom. So dirty talk. Yeah, yeah. Chris Diorio, what's the most interesting thing about you? Let's see, in addition to being a veteran, I'm a certified firefighter and a Scottish Lord. So you're...

You're ready, yep. You've been in the service. Yes, sir. You're a volunteer firefighter. Yes, sir. You do a bunch of work with charity. Yes, sir. You're a volunteer firefighter. Yes, sir. Do a bunch of work with charity Yes, sir. So where are the bodies hidden? Yeah Near my high school near my old high school actually a lot of them. So no, I'm just kidding. I'm actually I'm a nice guy. Okay What's the meanest thing you've ever done to somebody? Holy shit. Um

He's like, killed a guy. A lot of it. Rumburr-rumburr-rumburr-rumburr-rumburr-rumburr-rumburr-rumburr-rumburr-rumburr-rumburr-rumburr-rumburr-rumburr-rumburr-rumburr-rumburr-rumburr-rumburr-rumburr-rumburr-rumburr-rumburr-rumburr-rumburr-rumburr-rumburr-rumburr-rumburr-rumburr-rumburr-rumburr-rumburr-rumburr-rumburr-rumburr-rumburr-rumburr-rumburr-rumburr-rumburr-rumburr-rumburr-rumburr-rumburr-rumburr-rumburr-rumburr-rumburr-rumburr-rumburr-rumburr-rumburr-rumburr-rumburr-rumburr-rumburr-rumburr-rumburr-rumburr-rumburr-rumburr-rumburr-rumburr-rumburr-rumburr-rumburr-rumburr-rumburr-rumburr-rumburr-rumburr-rumburr-rumburr-rumburr-rumburr-rumburr-rumburr-rumburr-rumburr-rumburr-rumbur-rumbur-rumbur-rumbur-rumb Yeah, yeah. Like you, because the people here are used to laughing and it's kind of like... They're really good at it, yeah. Yeah, totally. You look like you come in your socks and then you wear them. Well when you're... Takes you into no one. Good traction. And that's what's up. Hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo. Good traction. And that's what's up. Who, who, who, who, who, who, who?

I'm bringing that back too. Chris D'Orio. Yes, sir. Yeah, what are we going to say, John? Well, when he does like S's and P's, I get spit on my mouth. It just kind of gets right here. Yeah, same here. I'm good with it.

I'll turn it this way. You have a good- You're in the splash zone, bitch! You chose to come to this show. Sorry, I'll try to- sorry, John. Yeah, it's that one. Well, maybe- I'm good with it.

Maybe change your last name, Christ. That's really tough for me to fucking say. Maybe it could have been John Connor from Terminator. Is that the Terminator soundtrack? Wow. Sorry, I'm really sorry, though. Yeah, don't say sorry, though, because that's it. Oh, okay.

I apologize. Cash on me. You know, Chris. Yes, sir. Weirdest thing in your refrigerator right now. Ooh, probably some of those probiotic little funnels. You have a big belly. What do you attribute? How do you have that?

Yeah, that's um... So the way I got the Scottish Lordship was I drank enough whiskey to buy a square foot of land in Scotland. You bought a square foot of land? With points from drinking whiskey. And they made me a lord. Like the old Scottish way, you know, when you drink your way to the top. So that's probably where this came from. Also, my wife and I, we're hoping to have a kid soon, so this is like a pre-Sympathy Belly. You're about to have a kid? No, we're hoping to.

Have you been coming inside of her? Yeah, yeah, when I can. How long have you been, how many times have you done that? So fucking awesome. How many attempts? You gotta try it sometime, Rhodes. How many times have you done that? So fucking awesome. How many attempts? You gotta try it sometime, Rhodes. How many times have you had to guess, give or take, honest answer here, how many times you've come inside

of your wife trying to have a child and she hasn't gotten pregnant yet, how many times have you tried? Probably about 20. That's it? Yeah, we got married to Connor Rees-Tate. We weren't trying for a Yeah, we got married kind of recently. We weren't trying for kids until we got married. We got married on April Fool's Day.

On April Fool's Day. Yes, sir. You got married. Yes, sir. 20 times since April 1st? While trying to have a baby, yeah. I travel a lot and she does too. Okay.

This year, this April. Yes, sir. You have any names picked out for the baby? Yeah, Chris or Christine probably. Wow. Big, giant ego maniac, yeah, oh yeah. Okay, all right Chris, here's a little joke book. Thank you so much, congratulations.

Great job dude. The Killtony debut of Chris Giorgio everybody. And yo, here's a tome for the road. Thank you. Oh yeah, I could tell he's gonna need that. Great yo, here's a tone for the road. Thank you. Oh yeah, I could tell he's gonna need that. Great job. He's gonna want that. You know what, let's get another one of our regulars

up here, ladies and gentlemen. This guy, a fucking sensation. Everybody loves him. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the unstoppable Cam Patterson, everybody. So writing this minute was kind of hard and I don't really got nothing, but I got, I don't got too much right now, but I got something in my notes that I'm trying to figure out, so if you guys can help me. I just put, uh, you gotta really be gay to like men, because women got assholes too.

I don't know why I'm going with that yet, but it's pretty fucking funny though. You just wanting to go to hell, that's on you brother. They got the same asshole. You could have closed it, you could have blindfolded a gay nigga and show him two different assholes, he wouldn't know the difference. There'd be no way. It's like, when I first fucked a girl when I was 17, and she told me to fuck in the ass, and I said, no that's gay, right?

And I went to work the next day, and all my coworkers was like, why you ain't do it? And then when you get older, you gonna, you know what I'm saying? You gonna know that's not gay. And I was like, you get older, you just become gay? That's crazy, right? That's pretty fucking sad. I don't understand. I don't understand. I will tell you this, though.

I'm pretty... I like lesbians. Lesbians is cool. Lesbians is pretty cool. Because, like, what's better than one piss it? Two. You know what I'm saying? That's five. That'll work, nigga. than one pissy? Two, you know what I'm saying? That's fine. That'll work, nigga, I'm done. All right, hell yeah. Amazing.

That'll work. Comes out, says he doesn't have it, and then has it. Not really. I had the beginning of something. Everything else was just bullshit, but it's all right. That's great. We figured it out. No, yeah, it's great.

It worked. It fucking worked. Hell yeah. Cam, the man. Jeremy, you've seen Cam before, you're a big fan, I can tell you can't even make eye contact with him right now. Oh yeah, you're so fucking funny, dude.

I'm so fucking, I wanna go, yeah yeah. Yeah, I wanna say all that right back to you, but I can't do it. But. Ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha. And it doesn't have any essence in it either, so it's double, it sucks, I really wanna say it anyway.

So. But you're so fucking funny, dude. The two butthole thing, I've actually thought about that, too, not, but I never thought about it as a joke, but as a show. And what? Because I'm always, I have, I always make up shows that Joe McHale could host, and whose butthole was that? It's a...

Who is Joe McHale? Remember when you said what the, the Joe McHale, you know what that is? What'd he do? How many white celebrities do you- Disrespectful white people, bro. What the fuck he do? What, oh, okay, the soup, animal control,

mad singer, fucking community. The soup. The soup. The soup. Yeah. What? The soup. Why, what, hold on. Where'd she go?

Where'd that girl go? Uh-oh, she went to go take it, stay with me, shit. Shit, that's funny, I like that, that's good. Hey, if you're here, who's going to tell me shoe shine cleaner at the mall later? Can I tell you some funny shit? Quick, tell me. I almost, I was beef with them niggas for a long time. The mall? Yeah, I almost shot in one of them, rightiggas for a long time. The mall?

Yeah, I almost shot at one of them right when I was, cause like one time they tried to clean my slides and I was just not having a good day. And I was like, fuck nigga, I got slides on. And so I had walked away, cause I just wasn't having a good time. And I walked away and I was with my sisters and shit and I had just got a pistol for the first time. So I was ready to shoot a nigga regardless. So we in the mall, I got a tank top on, I'm having a bad day.

My sister's buy shit from the mall, I ain't buy nothing. You know what I'm saying? So I walk back by the shoe cleaner nigga, and he go, fuck nigga, you ain't even buy shit, broke ass nigga. And I was like, fuck nigga, I'll kill you. And I left the mall. Was his name Jerry by chance? We can kill that nigga Jerry though.

I would love to. We can murder that nigga. Hell yeah. He carries a gun in his fanny pack. No way he does. Tom. It's a Tom. It's a Tom.

It's a gun for your digestive system. You almost shot a shoe shiner before? Yeah. Wow. Yeah that was a low moment in my life. He was black right? No. Oh. Yeah. It was a low moment in my life. He was black, right? No. Oh.

Yeah. Yeah. Oh, God. He was a white shoe shiner? Nah, he was black. But you know. Hey, Dash, what's up? I didn't want to perpetuate black on black crime on TV, though.

That's why I didn't want to do it. So I tried to tell you a lie. But he was black. He was black in here. I love it. Pretty fucked up. What else is going on in your world? Anything else crazy? But he was black, he was black as hell. I love it. It's pretty fucked up. What else is going on in your world?

Anything else crazy? Man, I had cut my dick fucking the other day with my bracelet. Oh my God. Wait. That can happen? That's a possibility? Yeah. Oh.

Yeah, it can happen. Yeah. Why, how did you? So I spin on my hand and then I went like, you know what I'm saying, go fuck. And then this shit just cut my dick and I was bleeding and shit. Wait, the pussy's supposed to be wet. I mean it's supposed to be wet, yeah, but you have to use your hand too. A little bit of lubricant and shit.

You know what I'm saying? A little extra, Jeremy. This sounds like a lot of work. You ever did that before you had spit on it? I ain't talking to you, yeah. Jeremy only spits on it. Ha ha ha ha ha. Cock-do-a! Ha ha ha ha ha.

She started a podcast, by the way. Here we go. Cam, you did it again. We absolutely love you. You're the best. How long can this place get for Cam Patterson, huh? There you go. Jeremy, sit down.

Sit down. You don't have to do that I was that you do love I'm your first time ever being seen Kay Patterson live being called the n-word is that oh yeah well Jerry called me it before I go to bed sometime but by a real black guy yeah like that was fucking very cool well well well there you are you might want to know that this podcast is sponsored by Squarespace, the all in one website platform for entrepreneurs to stand out and succeed online.

Whether you're just starting out or managing a growing brand, Squarespace makes it easy to create a beautiful website, engage with your audience and sell anything from products to content to time all in one place, all on your terms. Red band.

Tony, I love Squarespace. It's the best website designer out there. Choose from professionally curated layout and styling options to build a unique online presence from the ground up. Tailored to your brand or business and optimized for every device. You can start a completely personalized website

with the new guided design system, Squarespace Blueprint. Easily launch your website and get discovered fast with integrated optimized SEO tools so you show up more often to more people and grow the way you want. Grow the way you want. That's right Red Band. Kickstart or update written content on any website, product description or email with Squarespace AI generating instant personalized results that know and show your brand identity explain what your site is about choose your tone and enter what you need to get short or long form text no matter the placement Squarespace AI makes it easier to go live stand out

and succeed online make checkout seamless for your customers with simple but powerful payment tools except credit cards PayPal and Apple Pay and in eligible countries offer customers the option to buy now and pay later with after pay and clear pay So head to Squarespace comm for a free trial and when you're ready to launch go to Squarespace comm slash Keltoni to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain Good day y'all this podcast is sponsored by zip recruiter, you know a service is solid when it gets great word-of-mouth That's why I wanted to let you know what people are saying about our sponsor, ZipRecruiter.

The marketing manager of Nexkey said, the number one reason why we love ZipRecruiter is because it's so fast and easy. And the CEO of Walls Need Love said, I posted a job on ZipRecruiter and found my lead graphic designer within just a few days. The takeaway? If you're hiring, ZipRecruiter excels at finding qualified candidates fast. Errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr identifies top talent for your roles quickly. And immediately after you post your job, it starts showing you qualified people for it. In fact, four out of five employers who post on ZipRecruiter get a quality candidate within the first day.

See why ZipRecruiter is the hiring site employers prefer most based on G2. Try it for free at this exclusive web address, ziprecruiter.com slash kiltoni. That's ZipRecruiter, the smartest way to hire. We got another bucket bullet. It's another one-name one-word name. Just like you Jeremy it's like a theme tonight 50% of

our bucket pools have been one-word names. Ladies and gentlemen make some noise for Benjamin everybody here comes Benjamin. All right thank you everyone my name is Benjamin and I have a very weird vacation activity. I like to get in the cars with strangers hitchhiking. I know you guys are looking at me, I'm thinking the same thing. I wouldn't pick me up either. But I've hitchhiked all over the world and I've seen some strange shit. Like in Mongolia, I got in a car, there was no floor. Just two wooden planks. How do you design your car based off of the Flintstones I would just think of the whole time we're yabba-dabba

screwed have to think about that one one thing I did enjoy about it good calf workout I also I also...... ... ... ... So I also speak another language

I speak Chinese. A lot of people look at me and they're like, you're American? How does that work? I only thought you spoke freedom. But I do speak Chinese. Very difficult language. Like, for example, take these two words, kojiao and ko jiao. Sounds the same, very different. One of them is face masks, the other one is blow job.

I was very confused at that Chinese spa. Yeah, they asked if I wanted a face mask, I pulled my pants down. No happy ending. There you go. Thank you. Benjamin, Benjamin, Benjamin. Wow. Hello, Benjamin. Hey, what's going on, Tony? How's it going?

What is going on? That's a great question. So let's talk about it. How long you been doing stand-up, Benjamin? About three years. Three years? Where at? Lithuania.

Wow. How long have you been doing it in America? One day. One day. So you must be funnier in Lithuanian. Oh yeah, much funnier. Do you know how to do a joke in Lithuanian? Labas, mano vardis benet, German, aschis amerikas, isch Texaso, nebiyokik, asch ne tori o ginklo, morozes i pavolge. That's good. Was that

Yabba Dabba Do-Don't or whatever? Exactly. Exactly. Incredible. You left a long pause after the Flintstones joke while people were laughing at how unbelievably stupid the joke was. Oh yeah. Oh I disagree.

You loved it. I thought that was the joke was. Oh yeah. Oh, I disagree. You loved it. I thought that was the best joke. Yabba dabba don't not do that joke anymore. Thank you. Keep doing it. Thank you. Yabba dabba don't not do that joke anymore. Yeah, I was trying to figure out

how to tell him to keep doing it while also having some fun with that word. Are you afraid? Did you think about perhaps saying yabba dabba do keep doing that joke? Not until just now, Tony. I'm not gonna work. Are you a Flynn- Did you think about perhaps saying, yeah, but do keep doing that joke? Not until just now, Tony. Hey, uh, are you a Flintstones fan?

Oh, I love the Flintstones. Who's your- okay. Little Flintstones trivia. Ooh, ladies and gentlemen, this is Flintstones trivia. Here we go. I'm probably gonna fail at this. Well, what's up, guys? My name's Jeremy. Welcome back to Do You Know The Flintstones?

I'm here with Vlad D. Vox, and, uh... Sorry, I already forgot. What was your first name again? Uh, Benjamin. Benjamin. Is he Lithuanian? He's Yugoslavian. No. Vlad D. Vox is Yugoslavian.

He knows. Oh, yeah. No, they asked me if I was Lithuanian. I was likelavian. No. Vali Dibac is Yugoslavian. I'm sorry. He knows. Oh yeah. No, they asked me if I was Lithuanian. I was like, no. Right. Let's just get, okay. You ready to play, what are you doing on Flintstones?

Okay. I'm gonna fail this. Who is married to Wilma? Fred. Lucky guess. What does Fred scream every time he gets his fruity pebbles stolen? Oh fuck. If you lose, Cam's gonna come out here and shoot you.

["Fruity Pebbles"] All right, shoot me. No, so have you seen Fruity Pebbles commercials? I've seen the Fruity Pebbles commercials. They go red, lime, yellow, orange, lemon, lime, and lead, and to get the Fruity Pebbles, I gotta trick Fred. Who's trying to trick Fred? ["Fruity Pebbles"] Oh, wait, Barney. Barney's trying to trick Fred. Who's trying to trick Fred? Oh, wait, Barney.

Barney's trying to trick Fred. He got it right. Give it up for him. He got it right. Last one. You're two for two. Last one. What is the name of the bird that does the dishes? The bird. What is the name of the bird? You guys seen Flintstones?

So, you know, when they open the dishwasher and it's a fucking bird, and is the name of the bird? You guys seen Flintstones? So you know when they open the dishwasher and it's a fucking bird and he's like, oh now I gotta do the dishes again. Who the fuck is that guy? Is it the pterodactyl? I don't know what it's fucking name. Yeah, but what's his fucking name? Washing Man.

Who? The Washing Bird, the fuck if I know. Hit me with a buzzer, red band. There you go. That's a red band with a buzzer. Here you go. Not even on his sound effect board. Here he goes. There you go.

Yep. That'll have to do. Fucking wrong, bitch. His name is Alan. Should've known that. I'm sure he made that shit up. Thanks for playing. His name is Alan. You shoulda known that. I'm sure he made that shit up. Thanks for playing. Hey.

Thank you. All right, here you go. Here's a little joke book. There he goes, ladies and gentlemen, Benjamin. Gonna keep this fun train moving along. Sure, here you go. Here, you know what? Get back up there for a second. I have a couple more questions for you. What do you do for a living?

I actually, so I teach English and I actually run a comedy club in Lithuania. You run a comedy club in Lithuania? Yeah. How long have you been in Lithuania? Three years. How did you end up there? I'm a yes man. Someone asked me if I wanted to live there and I said, all right.

Someone asked you if you wanted to live in Lithuania? Yeah. I'm a yes man. I'm a yes man. I'm a yes man. I'm a yes man. I'm a yes man. I'm a yes man.

I'm a yes man. I'm a yes man. I'm a yes man. I'm a yes man. I'm a yes man. I'm a yes man How did you end up there? I'm a yes man. Someone asked me if I want to live there and I said, alright. Someone asked you if you wanted to live in Lithuania. Who's this someone? A good friend of mine.

It's a very long story. So I was doing my master's degree in China and one of my best friends was Lithuanian there and he said, why don't you come live in Lithuania? I'm like, alright. Didn't do do any research so how'd it go what's like you say it was a long story yeah I was making it short for you all right what's like tell us what's different about Lithuania in America well Lithuania is a very interesting country it's like this duality like actually it recently came out it's a top happiest country in the world

for people 30 and below. And also number one in the EU for suicide. Those are the people that don't go to your comedy club. Oh no. And it's, wait, number one for suicide? Suicide in the EU. There, I should have waited. Yeah.

Those are the people that go to your comedy club. There you go, see? Hey. It's amazing. I've been trying to reduce the numbers of suicide there through murder. Oh. I have a question. Do you...

Who is the like, who's like the fucking Dan Cook of Lithuania? Like who's your fucking... I'm pretty sure you're looking at him, Jeremy. It's just me and three other people. That's it? Total comedians? Oh no, Lithuanian comedians is like them, but there's like Oleg Shariah would be the data.

Oleg Shariah? Shariah. And he's like the best? I would say he's one of the best. That's awesome. Is there like a secret show there like Red Band has? You have any special skills or talents or hobbies or anything?

Me? Yeah. Yes, you. You're the one that's up there, yeah? Well, I gotta make sure. I was like... There he goes, everybody. There goes Benjamin. We're gonna keep him moving along. Me.

Me. That's a first in this show's history, I do believe. Me? He said... He goes, me? How about a hand for Heidi, everybody? I think I'd need that tonight. All right, your next comedian.

We know this guy. He works here at the mothership, a very solid local comedian. Make some noise for Adam Lucky, everybody. It's been a long time since he's been on this show. Here's the new minute from Adam Lucky. I've been doing some fucking. Pretty great A alpha fucker. I do lay it down pretty good for a guy with resting, I will follow you home face.

I fucking will ladies. Take that to the grave, which will be tonight if you play your cards right. Very generous lover, a lot of people tell me because a lot of times when I have sex with a woman I'll let her live and I think that's pretty badass. I like dirty time. I never understood the concept of talking dirty sex. So a lot of times when you have sex with a woman and you talk it'll wake her up and then it's just like, hey boo, gross. I'm mad about that. I don't know. I guess no means no. I'm just mad about that. I don't know, I guess. No means no, I'm all about that. But if they can't say no, Kobe, am I right, guys?

It's fine. You can make jokes about Kobe. He wasn't as perfect as everyone thought. I was just a real trick parent, real helicopter dad. That's what I am. It's fine. You're allowed to do it. He's black.

Okay. Fuck yeah. Is that not a bit? Oh, there it is. All right, hell yeah. Okay. Adam Lucky. Welcome back, Adam. What's up, Tony? It's been a long time since you've been on this show. You've been on many times, Balkan, here, everywhere, right? Yeah, I think four years ago was the last time.

I had just moved to Austin when I did it. Yeah, sounds about right. How's life been going for you? Tell us about it. It's been great. I'm working here. My wife ended up getting a job being manager at the Creek in the Caves. And I'm working here. I'm working here. I'm working here. I'm working here. I had just moved to Austin when I did it. Yeah, sounds about right. How's life been going for you? Tell us about it.

I'm working here. My wife ended up getting a job being manager at the Creek in the Cave, so it's pretty bad ass too. Yeah, and we have a daughter, and she's doing good. How old's your daughter? She's five. Five, incredible. So you're a father, even though you look like a grandmother.

Yeah. I thought I looked like an Adam Ray character. Wait, who's Adam Ray? It might be me, maybe it's me. Yeah, if you were him, that'd be fucking wild, dude. That'd be fucking... It actually is. You know how long he had to be in hair and makeup to look like you, Adam?

That's exactly what I was thinking. Just kidding, this isn't Adam Ray, it's Sheriff Ray. You're, uh, we'll edit this out. So, what is your favorite joke of yours? Because I really like, your opener was great. Came out with good energy, you're super likable. I have this one joke where I just, I name off every word that rhymes with trigger, and I really think that's pretty badass.

Whoa, okay, let's hear that. Go with it, Adam. How does that go? I can't remember it. I haven't done it in a long time. I forgot the punchline to it. My bad. Okay. You ever seen the Flintstones? No, Jeremy. We can't Flintstones everybody here.

All the things that rhyme with trigger, that could be a Joel McHale show. Ooh, my goodness. Should we call Joel McHale? Oh wow. Uh oh, here we go. Adam, is your five year old smart? I guess, I mean she's a kid. She's kind of a dumbass sometimes. Is she talking? Yeah, she talks. She doesn't shut the fuck up.

What's she talking about? She's a kid. She's kind of a dumbass sometimes. She's talking? Yeah, she talks. She's like, shut the fuck up. What's she talking about? Nonsense. She spends 40 minutes telling me that she likes Bluey, so that's pretty cool. What's Bluey? It's a show that kids and retarded adults watch. Okay. Do you watch it?

I fucking love it. It's the best. What's it about? It's just like deep storytelling. It's really kind of hard to understand. How about when you're getting away from the lady and the kid, what do you like to do other than stand up comedy? Any, anything else?

Well, up until recently, I was doing a lot of drugs and booze, but I've cut back on that lately. What drugs? Cocaine, a lot of that. When did you stop doing cocaine or how often do you still do it if you do? I stopped doing it, I'd say like two months now. Oh, okay. Yeah. And how often were you doing do it if you do? Um, I stopped doing it, I'd say like two months now. Oh, okay.

And how often were you doing it before two months ago? I'd say like a double Hans Gimmel amount. Oh, Hans, Hans, yeah. So what, if you had to guess, ballpark it? I don't know. I was doing it probably like five times a week. Wow, damn, off of a young comedian's salary. I mean, yeah. Well, you know.

My wife wasn't stoked about that part. I'll be honest. Right. I see that. What's the craziest thing you've done on a night of drinking and cocaine? I'm boring as hell. I just go home and jack off for seven hours.

Wow. Dude, that's really my favorite thing to do. What is? It's bad ass. What is jerking off on Coke like? Because I've been. My nuts? Dude, that's really my favorite thing to do. Fuck yeah. It's badass. What is jerking off on Coke like? Because I've been... My nuts?

What is it jerking off on Coke like? Oh, it's awesome. I finished Pornhub like six weeks ago. I'm done. You shot every video? I finished it. It's incredible. I got an achievement like on Xbox.

It's badass. Seven hours of jerking off. Well, it works. Is that how long it takes for you to come? Well, no, it's just you, it's so much fun on cocaine, you don't want to stop. You just keep coming? No, no, I hold it up until like one major bust. Wow, that's incredible.

Jesus Christ, do you have neighbors? Not anymore, they moved. They got tired of the howling. Wow, incredible. I've jerked off on Diet Coke before, that's fucking pretty cool. On Diet Coke? Not anymore, they moved. They got tired of the howling. It was a lot of... Wow, incredible. I've jerked off on Diet Coke before. That's fucking pretty cool. On Diet Coke?

Yeah, I had like six Diet Cokes before I went to bed, and then fucking saved it up for one big bus. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Unbelievable. Craziest porn you've ever seen. It's like the weirdest shit that you got into. You ever get into a weird phase with it? I mean, like not into it because I'm not fucking gay or anything, but I watched two dudes fuck each other in the ass at the same time. That was probably the craziest thing I ever saw.

Oh, wow. Two dicks inside of each other. It's a lot of bending and flexing. It's impressive as hell. That's where I normally start. Um, that's base. That's just how I get hard. OK.

Yeah, that's pretty wild. That's about as gay as it gets. You said right before you said that you watched two dudes fuck a man in the ass at the same time, you said it's like not gay. I wanted to make sure. I wanted to see if I was gay or not. So I just tried everything.

So I'm still, I haven't fucked a black guy yet. So that's the only thing I got to try. Then I'll know. Then I'll know if I'm gay. Well, we got good news for you. Deep madness, we have a beautiful woman who wants you to fuck her in the ass up here. Nice, nice long hair.

My pussy's in the back though. That's going to be the name of your next special, my pussy's in the back. Unbelievable. Adam, if you, two months off the hard stuff, if you had to give some advice out there to someone perhaps trying to get off of hard drugs, perhaps they live in the middle of nowhere, Star Mississippi or something like that. What would your advice be? I don't know. If you got nothing going on, I would just say, keep doing it. There you go.

I have like a family and I'm trying to like get better at comedy. So I stopped for that. But yeah, if I live, I had nothing going on. I'd done that until I died. I think that's a good call. Also. Well, you're super fucking funny man, so don't fucking die. Well, can't promise anything, but I'll do my best. Well, fucking die then. Adam, I'd love to have you on the Secret Show Thursday. I'd love to, thank you.

And it's been four years, I don't think we were even giving out joke books back then, so take one of those mamajamas made by the great Bones Eye, who also made me this sweet fucking crazy ass vest. Diabolical vest. There you go. Alright, back to the bucket we go. Ladies and gentlemen, 60 seconds uninterrupted,

going to your next comedian who goes by the name of Noah Dasat. Noah Dasat. Make some noise for Noah everybody. This is my joke book. I lost it recently and a homeless man picked it up. He read it and he made notes in it. And I saw him later and he was just like, here. And first thing he wrote to me is, it's OK to be white. Which I don't think he's been to Florida. And definitely not Florida prison. I remember my first day in Florida prison. They were like, hey man, you got to stick with your race.

And I looked around and I was like, you know, my only tattoo is a Star David. And I was like, I don't know, these people have, they all have swastika tattoos. I don't know who I'm supposed to hang out with. But yeah, I mean, realistically, I prefer to hang out with my black friends, so I just spend a lot of time alone.

Okay, I'm guessing that's the end. Pulled back, looked at me, Noah Dasat. Shockingly, not the worst set of the night. Welcome, Noah. What's going on bud? Step up to that microphone man. I feel like you have no fucking idea where you are right now. What's going on buddy?

How are you man? Hey Tony. Hello. Nice to see you. Yeah, good to see you. What have you been doing your whole life? Man, just getting into all types of shit. Okay, let's talk about it.

How long you been doing stand up? Just getting into it. I haven't. This is your first time ever? Well, it's the first time I prepared. Okay. That was the prepared set? Or did you?

Yeah, yeah, that was prepared. I would love to see you go off the cuff right now. Grab the microphone and hold it in front of your face. So you don't have to do that completely insane leaning thing that you were about to make a habit out of. Uh, so, Noah. Wow, you know it's crazy when I get an applause break from Red Band.

We've been doing this a long time together. It was crazy what you were doing. You don't even know that though, because you don't know shit. I have no, yeah. Fuck yeah, dude. I don't even know that though, because you don't know shifts. I have no idea. Yeah, fuck yeah, dude. I don't fucking know, dude. All right, Noah, what fucking Delta 8 shop do you work at exactly?

What do you do for work? Uh, I really just want to work the door, honestly. Where? Here? No. I don't even do the hiring or the firing here. I have no control whatsoever, but zero percent chance that's happening.

That's not how it works. Literally some of the funniest humans in the world work here. Word. Yeah. Okay, word. Word. Yeah, words.

Those were words. So Noah, what do you do for work now? I'm trying to figure that out. You're trying to figure out what you do for work now. Hold on, Jeremy, I really need to just interview this guy for a second. Yeah, yeah, for sure. Let's get into it.

Stick with Noah just for a second. Hold on to those thoughts, though. I don't wanna cock block you, Jeremy, but I gotta fuckin', there's a lot of work to be done here. This is a fucking ER, and this guy's just split wide open. So when you say you're trying to figure out what do you do, you don't have a job is what you're saying.

Yeah, well, uh. Good Lord. This is incredible. A lot, bro, I didn't have... I did not have a dollar in my pocket for five months. Okay. Yeah. Okay, how? Why? How? No, don't. Put the five away. No, Jeremy, put that five away.

Oh! How did you end up broke, Noah? I've been struggling with interviews tonight, and then I come across this gold mine. I just feel like we're about to get in the zone right now, Noah. Me, not you. Me. I'm an artist. Yeah, I'm an artist.

What kind of artist? So I'll do like graffiti. Okay. And I just like... So the money in your life that you have made, how did you do that? At times I hit licks. Hit licks? Yeah.

What does that mean exactly to you? Like middleman, like exports. Like what? You know, West Coast to East Coast, marijuana. For what? You... okay. Yeah. So I was very close with my Delta Aide prediction. You do, you trans, you have been part of transporting marijuana coast to coast.

Yeah. Okay. Did you drive it? I feel like you don't have a license. Do you have a driver's license? Yeah, I do, yeah. You do? Do you use it? Do you have a car? I don't have a car, no. You don't have a car, right?

You almost looked at me like, oh, look out, of course I do. But you don't. Okay, let's talk about it now. We're gonna be interviewed for this Netflix documentary. 100%, dude. Noah, how old are you? 41.

41 years old, here you are. I love this. I love having all different shapes and sizes of people on. People get mad when somebody doesn't have a great set and I continue the interview, but I think there's something behind those fucking eyes, Noah. I see it. I see it.

There's something there. It's not funny yet, but there's something there. What makes you, in a million years, wanna work the door at a place like this? Oh, I'm just, yeah, just my life's just pretty chaotic. Tell us about it. Tell us what's the chaos in your life. Oh man.

Give us a couple examples here. Fighting. You get into fights or there's fighting in your life? Yeah, I've gotten into a lot of fights. Okay. When's the last fight you got into? I've been like just today. Okay, when's the last fight you got into? I've been like, just today. Okay, tell us about today's fight.

Oh shit! Jeremy, hold on. Oh shit, Tony. Tell us about today's fight. Oh yeah, no, there's somebody, he said he wanted to spar, you know, and then he used. Wait, hold on. Where are you?

Paint the picture a little bit, Noah. I'm down at the springs, I'm down at the Barton Springs. Okay, so you're halfway in the river. You're in the river. I'm by the river. By the river, right. And this guy comes out of nowhere and he goes, I want to spar. I know. It's been the last few days. I've just been like, kind of like helping people train, I guess, up there or like, yeah. What?

See, how does that... Hold on. So if I went to a spa, you'd be like, cool, meet me by the river, and then we just start fucking shadow boxing? Do you ask... Hold on, guys, hold on a second. This is absolute insanity, and I'm... This interview is just beginning.

That was like the part of Jumanji when the monkeys come out. Okay. Hold on, hold on. Buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh. Hold on. Okay. So let me get this right. You hang out by the river. All right, all right.

Stop, stop, stop. Put the game away. All right, all right. Stop, stop, stop. Put the game away. All right, all right. Sanoa. You hang out by the river. That's kind of, oh, first of all, how did you end up in Austin? What made you come here? What made you come to Austin, Texas?

So I was living in Houston with the mother of my daughter and she decided to come live in a housing project out here because it was free. And you know, I came and I wanted to be close to my daughter. Right. How old's your daughter? She's eight. Eight years old. Very good.

There's a lot of kids being raised by drug addicts around here, for those of you. The last comedian is a four-year-old, two months off of blow. What are your drugs that you do to... The Kill Tony Babies. Yeah, the Kill Tony Babies, ladies and gentlemen. It's a real education system here. We're gonna leave them all with Jeremy at the daycare center here soon.

And Ash, what's up? -♪ What's up? -♪ What's up? -♪ What's up? -♪ What's up? Okay. So... You remind me of my camp counselor.

Okay, hold on a second. I'm still working here. I need to get information out of Noah. So what drugs have you done? What do you like? Mostly just marijuana, but some psychedelics just for the medicinal benefits. Okay, just for the medicinal benefits.

Yeah. It's like they're working pretty well. They have consciousness benefits. Yeah. What's the biggest breakthrough that you've had consciousness-wise on a psychedelic drug? You ever have a real moment? Honey bear bong.

Well, I took mushrooms recently and I felt that it simultaneously brought me closer to myself and removed me from what I was. So that was pretty fantastic. Amen. Okay, yeah, the lady that thinks a tum was a lime is agreeing with you right now in the audience. An audible yah from the exact spot that that lady was in. What are the odds?

Okay. You know, she goes to bars and she's like, yeah, can you put a tum in my vodka soda? All right, that sounded funnier in my head. So Noah, you have an eight year old. What does your baby mama do for a living? She's in graduate school to be a therapist. Oh, that's amazing.

Yeah. Okay. Yeah. And who watches the kid when she's at school? I don't live with her. Right. Yeah. Which leads me to my question.

Who takes care of your child while your baby mama is at school? It's your eight-year-old, the question that we're talking about. Your eight-year-old daughter, am I correct? It's a daughter? Yeah, a variety of people. She's very popular. Her Mimi, her grandma, yeah, on both sides, yeah. All right, very good.

Various family members. Is she Latina, your baby mama? She's not. She's not? No. Just a regular white girl? She's pretty regular. She's off-white, she's Greek.

So she's like, yeah. Off white. Different shade. I like that. When you don't think about the answer, you're kind of funny. If you try to like not think, if you just go with your initial,

let's try that starting now in this interview, okay? Try to like not be embarrassed or think of what's cool. Let's just go with your gut there. Cause off white, that's kind of all right. That's what I always say. That's a bumper sticker. Make it. Straight to print. Thank you, Yoni. Okay. So Noah, your next question without thinking of the answer. Okay. Here we go.

What's your love life like now? I'm addicted. Addicted to sex? Addicted to sluts, yeah. Addicted to sluts. Yeah. What's your love life like now? I'm addicted. Addicted to sex? Addicted to sluts, yeah. Addicted to sluts. Yeah. So take us through, I love this,

by the way, I'm right about you. When you don't think about it, fucking amazing. So tell us, what's your addiction like? How does it work? Is it a daily thing? Or does a lot happen by the river? Are you like, what's up, babe? Well, I like to, I always just Are you like, what's up, babe? Well, like, I like to, like, I'm, I always just tell people like, what up, pimp? You know?

You tell, you say that to a girl? Yeah, I say that to people even though I don't want to. You say that to girls? No, dudes. You know what I mean? Right. Oh, okay. Do you, you, are you, when you say you're into sluts, do you mean both men and women? No. Oh, just women. Okay, so here's my question. When you see a woman who appears in your mind

to be slutty, what's your opening line with her? Oh, I don't do all that. What do you mean? Well, I mean, that's the whole point, right? It's like. What the fuck are you talking about right now? I literally am trying so hard to like follow, but you keep changing the fucking topic.

It's like, like if you were like a McDonald's drive-thru guy and I was like, can I get some fries? And you were like, yeah, I mean, we'll go to space eventually. And I'm like, or give me the fucking fries. All right, so how many sluts do you think about in one day? Don't even think, just answer. Like how many sluts do you think about in one day? Don't even think, just answer. Like how many sluts are you thinking about right now? How many sluts?

Just you, baby. Say me? Just you. Just you. Yeah. Okay, uh, I'm not gonna fuck you. I didn't know how to answer that. My first time is not gonna be with a guy from fucking, salute your shorts.

That's a Nickelodeon TV show, look it up. Okay, alright. Whoa, whoa. Alright, Noah, I just can't get enough of this. There's something about you, I just can't stop. So, how often do you see your eight year old? I saw her on Monday. Yeah, but how, this is, first of all this is Monday.

The answer would either be a week ago or today. That's true, it was exactly a week ago, yeah. It was exactly a week ago. Yeah. And so if you had to guess, was the time before that? Is it like a once a week thing, once every couple weeks? It's as much as I can.

What is that? Which seems like you have a pretty wide open fucking schedule, dude. Pretty fucking open for business out there teaching free sparring lessons by the river. The river. I can't even... I literally like don't even need to think of jokes, I could just repeat back your answers.

Okay. So how often? Yeah, I'm trying to see her more. Does the baby mama not only let you sometimes? Yeah, it could be like that. It can be like that. Is it like that? She. Yeah, it could be like that. It can be like that. Yeah. Is it like that? Let me ask you this.

I want to see it as much as I can. Okay. Yeah, I just, yeah. Why do you think your baby mama doesn't want you seeing the eight-year-old more often? Sometimes the show's silly. Sometimes it's, you know, wild. This is like a serious, cool moment. At least I think so. And I'm the creator and executive in charge. No, she would love to have me see her more.

She would love that. I think that there are times when she feels that the connection that we've made and her attachment isn't totally secure. And so in that way, she would like that trust to be developed and melded together into something beautiful. And, yes. Wow.

Amazing. You said absolutely nothing there, by the way. Incredible. It was words. You're literally a male hippie Kamala Harris. It's incredible. You answered and gave no answer at the exact same time. This is amazing.

I'm so in, you have me in like gargoyle formation right now. I'm like climbing onto my chair because I'm trying to figure out this puzzle that is you. Tell us about some more of the chaos in your life. Have you been arrested before? Yeah. There you go. Rattle it off.

What were you arrested for? Well, the last time... Last time. Yeah, the last time I just needed a place to live and I looked up on Zillow, like places that were abandoned, or that are being rented. And then I found a tree house in the back of this place. I had a really nice pool.

And I was swimming in the pool in my underwear, and then somebody came on the loudspeaker, and they're like, get out of my pool. Da da da da da da. They were on a loudspeaker? Yeah. Were you on drugs during this? No. You were in somebody's tree house, and they come over the loudspeaker? Yeah. Were you on drugs during this? No.

You were in somebody's tree house. Yeah. And they come over the loudspeaker. Well, no, I was in their pool. Oh. Yeah. Yeah. And so they were watching me swim in the pool.

And they were like, hey, get out of there. And then I thought, you know, maybe they won't see me go into the tree house. So then I was just like in the tree house. For how long? Probably like an hour or something. And then I was gonna leave, but the mosquitoes, cause the mosquitoes really bad. And I was like, well, that's probably maybe

isn't the best place to like squat, you know? Right, because of the mosquitoes. You were getting bit by mosquitoes. Plus a person was literally like, please get off my property. Straight up. Get out of my pool and off my property. That didn't allowaker somehow in their backyard

and you're like, maybe that treehouse. Let me go. The way your brain works is incredible. It's good to see you smiling though. Even you know like this shit's crazy. This shit is crazy. That's why, yeah, yeah, exactly. The police show up and they're like,

get the fuck out of the treehouse. Right? Well, that's embarrassing, but I kind of like just curled up and thought maybe they like wouldn't see me even though they had their lights like right on me. It was kind of a Scooby Doo moment. And then what happened?

Did they climb up the treehouse? Did the police come up or did you eventually, oh, you have a little crick in your neck? I think you just put a curse on us. That's how fucking, you ever seen the ring when the kid's like... Eeeeee. You're like, are you stretching your neck? She's like, something like that.

Don't have bananas later. Oh shit. That's funny. This is the tree house. I would watch six seasons of you living in a fucking tree house. with nothing to survive on but mosquitoes and your fucking thoughts and that and an outcast album. So how long were you in the pool for? Just give me a guess.

Yeah. Ballpark. How long were you in the pool? Like 20 minutes. 20 minutes and someone's like, Please get out of our pool. Right and then you're like there's a tree house, I'm gonna sneak up in the tree house. How long were you in the tree house? Give me a guess. Like an hour.

Okay. And then all of a sudden, did you hear alarm? First of all, Red Van actually brings up a great question. How many... Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft.

Pfft. How many times do you think you got bit by mosquitoes while in the tree house? Just take a guess. Do like 30 times probably. Oh my God, 30 bites. Absolutely incredible. So you've been bit by 30 mosquitoes.

You're held up in the tree house. The police come and what do they say? Come down from the tree house. What do they give us? Just give us a guess of what they said. What do you remember? Why are you crouching in there? We already got the light on you.

Oh, right. So it's nighttime, correct? Oh, yes. It's night. Okay, this isn't even how I pictured it. That's amazing. That's a huge part of the story. So they're literally shining a flashlight

and you're like, they don't know. But you're in a fucking tree house. I knew that they probably knew, but I thought what if on the off chance that they don't, it'd be just funny as fuck, you know what I mean? But that's just, to me, you know? So then did they go up? Did a officer?

Yeah, yeah, they climbed up. They? Did more than one come up into the treehouse? They're like, Jesus, this fucking mosquito is, dude. How many police officers came up into a treehouse? Like three or four or something. Four officers came up. Okay.

I feel like I'm losing my mind right now. Okay. Ah. It's been 20 minutes of me interviewing this guy. Fascinating. It is fascinating. I found out basically nothing. What's your next move?

What do you think? How long have you been in Austin? Four years. Oh, Jesus Christ. Oh, wow. And you've never had an actual job in Austin? Oh no, I have. I worked at this healing arts center

for the last few years. Healing arts center. Fake place. Yeah, like. What do they do there? They have all these different healing modalities. You know, people who practice yoga, who do Reiki, who do... What do you do there? So I was, I did a mural, I was a host, I was a barista,

and most recently I was a non-alcoholic bartender. So, yeah. There's a lot of bugs around. Okay. All right, I'm gonna put a fucking ribbon on this. Can I say something? Yeah. So the last time you saw your girl was when?

Monday. Right, and you're trying to reconnect with her, right? Yes sir. Like, have you ever taken her to dinner and done something nice? Yeah, I'd love to. You never have? No, of course I have.

If you give him money, I know what you're thinking right now. I'm not gonna. Okay, good. No, I was just saying, do something nice sometimes. Oh, okay. I'm not that fucking piece of shit out of my head. I don't just give away free shit.

I was saying, you should maybe think about doing that. Take her to dinner and say, I don't fucking care about you. Let's get this back on track. I absolutely enjoy, I'm in love with every moment. I'm with her and I appreciate every moment. What's the coolest thing that you've done for her? She's eight years old. Seems like you kind of visit and then... Dip, what's like the most bonding moment?

I showed her how to build an icosahedron out of like building blocks. I showed her how to build all the five platonic solids out of building blocks, which I think was pretty cool. Yep. The five regular convex polyhedra that Plato discovered in the, you know. Have you done mushrooms with her already? What is happening?

Here's a little joke, Buck. I fucked up. The internet's gonna be furious at me for this. No way. This is great. I'm calling it now. You don't need to say anything. I already know. I fucked up. I'm never listening again after that interview. I'm done forever. Why the fuck did that happen? Why did he have that deadbeat up there for 22 minutes? It was Brad Pitt from True Romance.

And stood up. No. No. All right. Ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket pool goes, are you guys still having fun out there? Yeah! Your next comedian, 60 seconds uninterrupted

for Brandon LaCarruba for Brandon LaCarruba. Brandon LaCarruba, here he is. What's going on everybody? I got married in November of 2021, and thank you. Divorced April of 22. Thank you. I don't know what lived longer, our marriage or our fetuses. It was one of them.

I don't know. I don't know the answer. It was definitely one of them. I had a pretty smooth divorce though, I got to say. You know, kind of got through it pretty easy. But worst part about being single for me, I was single in my late 20s in New York. You know? Only thing to fuck were emos Jews and microwaved bagels, so

It's not really I know that's what I said that wasn't great until you get all three of those things together an emo Jew with a bagel a nice blink 180 Jew chick I'm a big fan. You know they I like them. They like me. They like all the small things They're a little naggy though like if they text text you and you don't text them back immediately, they're calling you up immediately like, where are you? I'm so horny. And I'm like, just give me the bagel. I'm good.

Thank you. I'm Brandon. Okay. This is, this show is wild. Sure is. I've never experienced anything like this in my life. Sean, I swear, it's never like this. Unbelievable.

Like, I don't know what's real and what's a character. I really have no idea. I have no idea. It's not you, it's me, John. I'm just not over the last guy, but here we are. Hey, there we go. What's going on, fellas? Hello. What? How's it going?

I'm great this is a cool night for me. How long you been doing stand-up? Five and change. Five and change. Where we're at? A lot of New York, Long Island regrettably but you know. Okay. Yeah just moved here about two months ago. Have you been on this show before? I have not. OK. Yeah. All right, so five and some change. You're doing a lot of Blink 182 material. The entire minute was Blink 182. Yeah. They're back, though. They're back.

Is that like your thing? You the Blink 182 guy, or is it just this minute? I love girls that love Blink 182. So I tolerate Blink. A little whiny for me, but no, it's good. What are you talking about? What's your shit? What's my shit? Like the Arctic Monkeys. I like anime intro songs. You know? Red Band's a choreo. I knew Red Band would like that. Some

Evangelion is a good way to work out. Someone wants to do the secret show this week. Brandon let's talk about it. What wants to do the secret show this week. Brandon, let's talk about it. What do you do for work? I am a manager at an office depot. And I, yeah, it brings in the money. And I host game shows. Can you imagine having to take orders from this guy?

Fuck, that was so fucking mean, Jesse. I'm sorry. No, but it would be funny. Can you give us an example of what you sound like as a manager? Let's say Jeremy here, this sweet guy right here, was one of your employees, and he put the staplers on the wrong shelf at an office depot, and he tends to do this a lot. He should have it figured out by now. And here we go. And action. Hey, so I got done putting all the staples away.

I cleaned all the shit off the bathroom walls. And I gave the candy back to that other guy that works at Office Depot with us. That you said was that he was like the... I gave it back to him. So... So the staples are all in the right place though. said was that he was like the I gave back to him. So so the staples are all the tape was on the right place. So I put all the staples away you you well, go ahead. First, I'd wipe the spit off my face and I'd be like, I don't I didn't understand a word you said, but there's codes tells you where

to put the stuff. You gotta put it up there or else we gotta let you go. Well you guys change the fucking codes every other month, so I don't know what fucking code is the right one. Do you know what I'm saying? Can you like text me this? Can you write this down? I've been working here, you know my fucking dad

owns Office Depot, right? I could have you fired so fucking fast. Get it done, do it. I hate that job for people, right? I can have you fired so fucking fast. Get it done, do it. I hate that job. Do you really? No, it's okay, I like my other job more though. I host game shows at a place in Austin. What kind of game shows?

It's a rip off of Family Feud and Wheel of Fortune mostly. And we have our own names for it for copyright, but it's really fun. Okay. Love doing it. I'll plug them, game on ATX, but it's really fun. Okay. Love doing it. I'll plug them. Game on ATX. Good time.

Yeah. Fuck yeah. You a big Mark Norman fan? He's the only famous guy I've opened for. You know how I could tell? How? Because you move, act, and react like him in every single live. Isn't that crazy that I was able to guess the one guy that you opened for?

Comedy. I believe it. It's amazing. Yeah. Comedy. There you go. Right. I can't believe you left it. That's incredible. OK.

Brandon LaCarruba. Last time you did series, how old's your daughter? How old's my daughter? Yeah. We've had a streak. The last two. So it's funny you ask. I've been telling as a joke that I have a I'm a single dad with a black daughter I have a I have a bunny rabbit I don't

have a daughter okay I'm a man with a rabbit yeah I've had a rabbit since I've been seven but they only live like ten years so it's been like four or five rabbits Wow wait and have you ever done hard jogs? Jeremy, I'm sorry. You have a rabbit and you're not a magician? Awkward. Yeah. What the fuck, man?

What do you do with this rabbit? They're cool pets. They're like tiny dogs. They can learn tricks. They know their name. What tricks does your rabbit know? All right, she's not good at tricks. I got her from a previous owner. Didn't teach her any tricks in those formative years, so you know, she's not really into doing tricks.

She's kind of set in her ways. Alright. But no, they're cool. They're cool pets. Are there any tricks that any rabbits can possibly do? Yeah, you can like make them do shit you want to do. Like what? All right, like you put your arm out and they'll hop over your arm. Like they know, you know. No way.

Sorry, I was expecting you to say like, she'll fucking drive me when I'm drunk. That's a cool trick. What's her name? Her name? Lily. Cool. Yeah, no, she's cool. They don't eat carrots. Bugs Bunny made that up. Don't feed don't feed rabbits carrots. It gives them bunny diabetes. It's bad for them. Great band name. Yes.

Please welcome Bunny Diabetes! I'm gonna be the chief! Bwaaah! Yeah. This is one of the most insane episodes of this show I've ever seen in my entire life. And I've been there for all of them, ladies and gentlemen. There's a man that comes to every episode, he's literally not making eye contact with me or the show. He's just sitting there looking down I just literally looking down like why what have I committed Mondays to in my life I could have all these years it's like literally having fucking what do you see you have it is it in Vizalign I have in Vizalign yeah and sound like him when I

don't wear him roasted even I do I do I talk like this without I don't wear them. Roasted. I wasn't even. I do. I talk like this without them. I wish I could afford a vigilante. I did go with the fucking low ramp braces, you know? Smile at the rec club. I get it. How much was the vigilante? It's too much, man.

It was like $2,500. Fuck. Yeah. It was worth it, though. I mean, my teeth look way better, so. Yeah? Yeah. How much did you pay for your rabbit?

Pfft. Free Free I stole that lady from Previous owner she was mistreating her and they were giving her up. So I was like sweet I got a new rabbit mistreating a rabbit. So they're not like hamsters. You got to let them out You got to give them at least a room to run around and they had them they had them locked up in the basement in the cage It's not cool. It's like doing that imagine doing that to a dog. They're gonna be pretty pent up and not happy. They wanna- Does your rabbit like cuddle with you ever or anything? Yeah, I mean, she likes getting pets.

She likes, you know, like hanging out and I'll scratch her head and shit, but that's about it. If you pick them up, they think they're gonna get eaten. You know? Animals are prey, so. Yeah, absolutely. What's your love life like when you bring a girl back and she sees a fucking rabbit in a fucking cage?

What does she say? They tend to be very into it, man. Chicks love the bunny. Chicks love the bunny. And they just hang out with the bunny, you know? Feed her treats, hop around. I've never heard that. Hey, man, come over and meet my rabbit.

I'll show you a good time. My ex had a rabbit and there was little shit everywhere. You have little pieces of shit everywhere in your house? Yeah. No, I do. You got to vacuum them up, though. They're dry. They're like cocoa puffs. You got to suck them up. You can't... You said you love Family Feud, right? You host Family Feud?

I do. I do. So let's play a little round. Name one thing, name one chick that fucked you when she saw your rabbit. And it'll be Steve Harvey. It'll be Steve Harvey. You answer, you answer, ready? Sarah.

Whoa. He has an amazing Steve Harvey impression. Okay. I've never done that Steve Harvey before. So you tell one girl, one girl, one girl. Yeah, no, they, again, it helps. Brandon, most interesting thing about your life that's ever happened? I went to Auschwitz once.

That was pretty wacky. How was that? Too soon. Went to Auschwitz once that was pretty wacky. How was that and too soon? It was a it was a choir field trip for high school you were in the choir I went to college for singing Okay, can we hear a little bit of one two one two three four? You guys know knee socks by the Arctic Monkeys That's lame. That's a great album all right shit yeah come on they can do anything fuck it they can do anything how about Brandy by Looking Glass you guys know Brandy? We'll

follow you alright alright alright alright alright how about the Schindler's List theme song? Okay. Never saw Brandy. Oh, there's a port on a western bay and it serves a hundred ships a day. Lonely sailors pass the time away and talk about their homes. The sailors say, Brandy, you're a fine girl. You're a fine girl. What a good wife you would be. You would be.

But my life, my lover, my lady is the sea. Do do do do do do do do do do do. Yeah! Fuck yeah. All right, Brandon LockCarruba, here you go buddy. Coming at you. Booyah! There he goes. All right, your final bucket pool of the night, ladies and gentlemen.

I love this name. We're going to see what happens here. Make some noise for your final bucket pool. It's Jenny with an I. Jenny with an I, ladies and gentlemen. Here comes Jenny with an I, live here on the show that... I'm going to be the judge of the show. I'm going to be the judge of the show. I'm going to be the judge of the show.

I'm going to be the judge of the show. I'm going to be the judge of the show. I'm going to be the judge of the show. I'm going to be the judge of the show. I'm going to be the judge of the show. I'm going to be the judge of the show. I'm going to be the judge of the show. I'm going to be the judge of the show. I'm going to be the judge of the show. I'm going to be the judge of the show. Jenny with an I, live here on the show. Oh, she's inside.

Wow. One of your very own. Inside, Jenny with an I, ladies and gentlemen. Wow. Jenny, make some noise. You're here at one of the craziest episodes. Here's Jenny with an I. I saw a billboard on the way over here. It had Nike's slogan on it,

Just Do It. And I thought, that makes fucking sense, because all I picture were kids in sweatshops and their boss yelling at them, Just Do It! Just fucking do it! Oh, you're sucking me dick ass. Yeah. I'm Puerto Rican. Just fucking do it! Or you sucking me dickhead.

Yeah. I'm Puerto Rican. Yeah, represent. I'm a very white Puerto Rican, though, if you can't tell from my accent. But don't worry, I'm still toxic. With bad credit. And a bitchy attitude.

Probably because I seen the bottom of my mom's chancleta more than my father. But I'm tired of people always asking me, what type of Mexican are you? I've given up. I'm like, I'm the lazy kind. And the legal kind, bitch. This lady I worked the other day, she was like, if you're Puerto Rican, have you ever stabbed anybody?

I was like, no, I never stabbed anyone. Today. I'm about to stab you next, bitch, if you keep talking. All right, you guys, I'm Jenny with an I, thank you. Jenny with an I. Jenny. What's up? What's going on, Jenny?

How long you been doing standup? I'll make a year next month, on my birthday. Okay, long you been doing stand-up? I'll make a year next month on my birthday. Okay, where you been doing it at? Orlando, Florida. And you're just visiting here? I'm visiting, yeah. Okay. What do you do for work in Orlando? Huh? What do you do for work? Real estate. You good at it? Yeah. You make good money? Yeah. Meow.

Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Listen, I'm here. I get to travel. It's, you know, not bad. You make good money? Yeah. Meow. Yeah. Meow. Meow. Listen, I'm here. I get to travel. It's, you know, not bad. I love it.

I love it. Meow. Uh, it could be your catchphrase. That's a good way to attack, you know, like I have, and that's what's up, to end my jokes. Yeah. That could be you say your joke and you go, meow. Meow. I like it.

Kind of fun. Yeah. You don't have to do it. For the special. For the special, yeah. Are you doing a special? No. Oh.

Well, now we're tied at it, dude. Yeah, you gotta believe in yourself. Yeah, I mean, someday, yeah. Can you, what, I'm trying to get a, move out of my apartment soon to a duplex. You want to open up for me? Sure. Sure. Yeah, all right.

Are you fucking serious? Yeah. Oh my fucking God. Let's do it. It's a crazy day for Jeremy. Don't fuck with me right now. It's been a wild day. Let's do it. Oh my god. It's a crazy day for Jeremy. Don't fuck with me right now. It's been a wild day. Let's go right now.

Well, where do you perform? In Orlando? Orlando. And like the improv? Yeah. Okay. Yeah. I mean, you're kind of scary, but yeah.

But you seem fun. What's your favorite thing to do if we're after the show? Like what do you like to drink or karaoke? Yeah, sure. What do you really do for fun? I go out, I go to the gym, I travel. When you go out, what do you like to do? I drink with friends.

Yeah, I have a good time. Tequila? Tequila. I like tequila, I like Tito's. Yeah, that's fun. What about Four Loco? I can do that. Twisted Tea or something. How do you know about Four Loco, Jeremy? Oh, well, it's a long story.

But let's just say, Jerry and I, the one time we fucking had like a night out, we fucking drank a C-10 Four Loco. And let's just say we grabbed a couple of bird scooters and let's just say we fucking went over to that guy Brandon's house and fucking taught his bunny some tricks and it rhymes with suck your dick. And uh... Hey, sounds like a good time.

Meow. And so, um... Meow. No, I don't know. It's too crazy though. Yeah. All right. I like your jacket.

Thanks. What's your love life like, Jenny, with an I? I'm in a relationship. Uh huh. What's your boyfriend do for work? Same thing. We met at work. He's in real estate. Yeah. Did you guys... You really do have a catchphrase there.

I know. Did you guys hook up on a work site? Pretty much. Explain to us how that happened. You know, I was slacking on my sales, and he kind of helped me. And it's been a love ever since. I mean, I feel like I've seen this video.

You know? I mean, and you're looking oddly familiar. Pornhub. Wait. So, question. As a guy who hasn't done it yet, what did your guy do that made you go like, Okay, you can do that. Do you know what I'm saying? Like, what did he start with? Well, he has a big, you know... Whoa. No, I don't.

That was fucking huge, whatever you just did with your hands. Yeah, that was fucking... It's you just did with your hands. Yeah that was fucking. It's that big? He's Puerto Rican. Whoa, Jesus Christ. Oh. He knows. Oh this guy's, oh that is a huge cock.

This guy's waving his dick. Represent. That was his cock talking, not the guy. What does 1% mean? 1%. Yeah. What do you mean? Did you just say 1%?

No I said represent. Oh, okay. I couldn't hear you through your thick Puerto Rican accent. Okay, very proud people, indeed. What's your favorite thing about being Puerto Rican? The food. Yeah. What are the famous foods of the Puerto Rican culture?

Rice and beans. Oh, Mexican food. Arroz con canule. Sí, señorita, la babamba. Sí, mofongo. Uh-huh. La cucaracha. La cucaracha, la...

La puposa. No. Gordachitas. Yeah. Whoa, Red Band, our senior Puerto Rican food correspondent. Ha ha ha. How did you do it? Ha ha ha.

Wow, I've never heard you speak another language before. Whoa, Red Band, living la vida loca over here, huh? That's all his Pornhub searches. Wow. Tony, see the size of that ring she's wearing? Huh? The size of that ring she's wearing is... Oh, shit.

Let me see. Where's the ring? Oh, wow, look at that. You are Puerto Rican. You've invested all of your money into something that you're wearing. I'm not pregnant, though. Incredible. Are you guys trying to have a kid? Nah. Why not?

I don't know. Because he pulls out by the reaction. He's not really giving you a choice. Nah. He pulls out and shoots it all over the homeowners manual that's in the... I have an IUD, because Puerto Rican, Latino women, you know. Yep.

I got to have that baby killer thing, you know? Absolutely. What's an IUD? Is that like an IOU? Yeah. I'm serious. I don't know what that is. It's a thing that they put up inside a woman's vagina. What the fuck? Why?

To... That way you don't have kids. Or you don't get pregnant. It's like birth control. So when the jizz comes up, it's like fucking... Get out of here. Yeah, just like... I don't want no jizz. That's why I got an IUD up inside me. Hanging out with the passengers inside.

I don't know the rest after that, but... Hey. That's fucking cool. Well, that's what's up. Ha ha ha. Jenny with an I, I like your style. I'm giving you a medium-sized joke book. There she goes. Jenny with an I.

All right, ladies and gentlemen, we've come to that point of the show I'm giving you a medium-sized joke book. There she goes, Jenny with an I. All right, ladies and gentlemen, we've come to that point of the show in which there's simply nowhere else to go other than the Hall of Famer, the record holder for all-time interviews, appearances on this show, all-time new minutes. I present to you the Virginia Ham, the Toledo Track Star, the Memphis Strangler, the Vanilla Gorilla. This is indeed the Big Red Machine, William Montgomery everybody. Hey! Hey!

Hey! Hey! Hey! Last week in North Korea, flooding killed 4,000. Kim Jong-un reacted to the floods by executing 30 government officials. Apparently Kim Jong-un was pissed that he wasn't the one who killed the 4,000 people. Am I a bad person for not watching the Paralympics? Okay, yeah, that wasn't even really a joke, okay.

I remember when my mom got pregnant with my youngest brother and the rumor around town was that it wasn't actually hers. See normally you would say like his. Okay, let's keep this moving. I was up in Minnesota this weekend and I've got to say I'm so impressed with Kamala Harris running mate and current governor of Minnesota, Tim Walz. The guy is my hero.

It's insane he not only took out a Nazi bunker by himself during World War II, but he's also taken the Minnesota Vikings to three straight Super Bowl wins. So I love Tim Walls. That is my time. Tony Hinchcliffe, thank you sir. Why'd you roll your eyes like that, William?

I don't know, my throat is killing me. Tony, at the end of my final set at the Mall of America this past weekend, all the shows were great, but I was tasting a lot of blood in my mouth, so. Why do you think that was? From yelling, I think. I was literally tasting blood, so I might need to go to the doctor or something.

My throat literally feels like strep throat right now. It's really a nightmare. I was not in the best mood today, so. I've Googled it. You can drink your own blood, it's fine. I cut myself from eating stuff all the time and just keep drinking the blood. I don't want to be in between this.

William, an electric star of the show. Very interesting that this throat thing, blood in the mouth, that this is all happening because you've been screaming, famously screaming for longer than anybody, over half a decade here, live, on this show weekly. Why do you think your health is giving out now? I don't know. I mean, I've been kind of I have my I'm off of the stimulants I've been taking my Adderall recently, which is a good thing, but I'm still not hungry. I haven't been as hungry recently I think I probably have cancer or something. I think I probably I'll find out soon

I'm dying is my only thought have you been to a doctor lately? I've not been to a doctor and I know other than a dermatologist in a years since the since the Armenian women and Glenn Green. I can't remember where it was. Somewhere in L.A. You want a tongue? What was that? Glendale. Yeah, thanks.

What is this? To lime? Just take it. Oh, tongue. But yeah, Tony, I don't know. It's very disconcerting. I think it's all of the, I don't know, it's the longer shows. I'm yelling too much, Tony. I know people hate it,'s very disconcerting. I think it's all of the, I don't know, it's the longer shows. Yelling, I'm yelling too much, Tony. I know people hate it, but I have fun doing it.

It seems like people have a good time, but I'm gonna have to do something different. Something's gotta change, Tony. I mean, it's turning into a nightmare. What are you thinking? What are some options? I don't know, maybe sort of more jokes, like kinda like talking like this, maybe. Just maybe more kinda low,

and then it really won't hurt my voice if I just kind of talk. Do you like that, John, when I kind of talk like that? Do you think that's kind of funny? I'm into it. Cool. I'm into it. I feel like the ailments you have are internal because you look great.

Oh my gosh, well thank you. You look great too. What is that accent? Are you from Tennessee? I am. I'm from Tennessee as well. Really? Where are you from? Nashville, I live in Nashville.

I'm from Memphis. Let's go, let's be friends. Cool, sounds good, nice to meet you. Yeah, I didn't know what you were gonna say. You guys gonna fuck? What's going on right now? This is amazing. I gotta tell ya, I've never seen William warm up

to anybody like this. Yeah, it's wonderful, I love a fellow Tennessean. Oh, I'm sorry, I dropped it. Well, I feel been there before. Just guessing here. You're gonna make me eat this and it had fallen on the ground before? Do whatever you want. Oh. William, has anyone ever told you you look like Carrot Top's floor after he shaved his balls? It's a compliment. I love Carrot Top. I love Carrot Top. Yeah. One of my favorite comedians. Carrot Top, David Lucas, and Seinfeld. I love that list. That's quite the list you have there.

Carrot Top. None of that order. David Lucas and Seinfeld. That's my dream show. Open for those three, same show for one of those fucking charities the first guy was talking about I Love the small the quiet joke thing William was like some sweet music underneath it like some drum Yeah, maybe just some music like that. I would fucking listen to a whole album of you doing that. Oh, yeah, we do a joke with that Yeah

well Thank you all so much for being here, Austin, Texas. It is really a nice time. I've actually been having a pretty rough go of it recently. I think I have some sort of cancer in my tummy, but it's making it so I'm not really hungry. So I am losing weight, so that kinda helps because sometimes I see these fat asses

walking on the street and I just think, what is their fucking issue? It's like, is it a gland problem? Is it a self control problem? It's just these fat nasty people I see and I just wanna fucking shoot them with the gun that I have. But yeah, it's so nice to be here, Austin.

I'm hoping I can be around for a little longer but I really haven't been feeling good recently. But it seems like John and I are maybe some buddies, so maybe you can... Inching a little close, bud. Uh... Uh... Red Band, help me.

Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha. Hi. I think, though, the, you know, I'm just trying to take it all in here. And the thing that stands out to me is you, you know, the Kill Tony fan base, I think the thing that's going to stand out to the universe that listens to us, you every single week is this not screaming thing. Have we found out that you've stopped screaming?

I'm stopping. I'm not gonna fucking scream anymore. I can't, Tony. I'm literally in horrible pain right now. I was scared to come up here tonight. I was scared to death. I haven't gotten strep throat in many years. I got my tonsils taken out with my brother Vance. Yeah, it's not good.

So I just can't yell anymore. So we're gonna go quiet. And if it doesn't work quiet, I'm gonna move back home to Memphis and just fucking quit doing comedy. I'm getting to the part where I'm getting sick of this shit. And I'm gonna... You gotta keep going. Really?

You gotta keep going. Do you ever go through times like that, John? All the time. Where you don't wanna keep on doing it? What helps you make it through? I reach out to my friends. Really? Yeah. Could I get your number after this?

I'm not even kidding. Could I? Absolutely. Because I really need somebody like you right now. I need you right now. Okay. Oh yeah. Okay, well... No, I was kidding. I thought you were... Yeah, you can't say it right in front of everybody. But yeah, Tony, I don't know. I'm going to have to...

We're going to have to see. I'm going to have to evolve. I'm going to have to change everything up. So when it comes to screaming, you have stopped. I'm done. Heard it here. I'm finished screaming. I mean screaming, you have stopped. I'm done. Heard it here. I'm finished screaming. It's completely stopped. It's done, Tony.

Well, D Madness says he doesn't believe you. What do you have to say to D? Look D in the eyes and tell him. Oh, look D in the eyelids. Look D in the eyelids. You missed it earlier. When William was getting really, really honest, D Madness goes, I can see the eyelids. You missed it earlier. When William was getting really, really honest, D Madness goes, I can see the darkness.

So funny. But yeah, Tony, so we'll see. Oh, excuse me, D Madness, what? But yeah, so we'll see, Tony. I don't know. It might be bubbling up. I feel like the yelling is... I could just do sound bits of everything he says.

Yeah, we're gonna need sound effects of him back in the day when he was in his prime yelling. Yeah, somebody get on that. Red Band get on that. Will you be able to help me with that? Yeah, I'll put it up. I don't know if you have any idea how fast Red Band moves, but it's... Yeah, it's gonna take a couple weeks. Hehehehehehe. moves but it's gotta take a couple weeks. It's gotta do about 425 hours of VR and then he's gonna get around to it. We'll circle around. Okay, thanks man.

Yeah, you can get audio sound bites and play them and you can like lip sync to them, you know? That's a really great idea. Maybe I can do that. Maybe. Like singers do that, right? Singers do that to their songs? So you could do that for your jokes. You could do that, but. Like here, I'll do it for you, right? Like do that. Maybe... Like singers do that, right? Singers do that to their songs? So you could do that for your jokes. You could do that, but...

Like here, I'll do it for you, right? Like do it... Let's do it. Like talk to... Like I'll lip sync to you, right? Okay. Hey, how's it going, Austin? No, wait.

No, so you don't... So you don't talk, but you move your mouth like a... Like a marionette and I'll do you. Like I could be backstage for you, right? Let's do it. Uh, hi guys! and I'll do you. Like I could be backstage for you, ready? Let's do it. Hi guys. So lately I've been going through a tough time. I know I look like Ronald McDonald

if cocaine was his happy meal. Ha ha ha. But that's just because I'm having a fucking rap week! I fucking look like Sasquatch, fuck the Chuckie doll! I look like fucking Casey Rockets dad! I look like if I shave my beard there's just a sign that says, Yeah, I got HPV. You tricked me. What?

You tricked me. And I ain't ever taking shit off! Alright! That's this episode of Kill Sony brought to you by DraftKings. Everyone's gonna get a refund at the door on your way out. That's this episode of Kill Sony brought to you by Draft Kings. Everyone's gonna get a refund at the door on your way out. The drawing from Ryan G. Bould is in. The drawing from Chris Rogers is right over there.

Let's see what he got today. Ooh, Ari Matty. Wow, Ari had the night off tonight, but that's beautiful. How about another hand for the best band in the land? Make some noise. For the debut of Jeremy, ladies and gentlemen. Jeremy, what do you want to plug tonight? Plug something, Jeremy.

Oh, shit. So you guys can find me on TikTok at That's What's Up. Um, but I'm a real big fan of his community, Adam Ray, and he's got his Dr. Phil Live shows in theaters. Big tour starting to adamraycomic.com. And he's got a fully improvised show. Livestream October 30th. Buy your tickets at adamray.live. That's what's up!

How about one more time for the Killtony debut of John Chris, everybody. Huge fuckin' tour. Tickets at JohnChrisComedy.com, his podcast Net Positive. Thank you, John. Absolutely. One more time for John and Jeremy, everybody. Thank you to Draft Kings, Red Band.

Thank you guys so much, I love you all! We love you. Thank you. Good night, everybody. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, I'm going to be a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a

little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a

little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a Thanks for watching! you