KILL TONY - #685 - SAM TALLENT

Starting point is 00:00:00 Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Death Squad.tv and now on Spotify and Apple Podcasts. If you want to check out Tony Hinchcliffe's website, go to TonyHinchcliffe.com. Everything Golden Pony, including his tour dates, at TonyHinchcliffe.com. If you want to check out the Sunset Strip or get some Death Squad merch go to DeathSquad.tv. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey this is Rep. Cody Lyne from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas.

Starting point is 00:00:49 For a brand new episode of Kill Tony, get up right Tony, it's class! Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives? Yeah! Make some noise for the Red Band! And about one more time for the best damn band in the fucking land. Jesus Christ almighty, if you guys don't know what goes on here in the pre-shows, it is truly the live music capital of the fucking world and we flex on it. Have you guys ever heard music like that in your fucking lives? Make some noise for Groove Line Horns down here, crushing.

Starting point is 00:01:46 Fernando Castillo. Carlos Sosa. Raul Vallejo. Michael Gonzalez. Nachos Belgrande. Huevos Rancheros. Queso Enchilada, Matt Mueling on the guitar, ladies and gentlemen. Holy shit.

Starting point is 00:02:11 John Dees, the leader of it all back here. Dee Madness on the bass guitar. And you guys didn't get to see her on this show, but how about one more time for the lovely Summer everybody. Soulstress? Soulstress. Un-fucking-believable. She works here at Mitzi's and it's just incredible, the talented people that work here on so many

Starting point is 00:02:43 different levels. We have fucking jujitsu champions, fucking singers, everybody. It's unbelievable. So yeah, a lot of special stuff happening. Before we get tonight's episode started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday.

Starting point is 00:03:10 Go to SunsetStripATX.com for tickets. Are you guys ready to start the fucking show or what? You are here. You are the lucky ones that were able to be here on this night just like every other episode I book. Sometimes two, sometimes three and on very special nights just one of the very best comedians in the world. This is one of those nights where I love this guest so much that I like to let the show breathe.

Starting point is 00:03:47 I like to be able to fucking sit back and let me and the guest and Red Band's wacky soundboard fucking do some work and really drive home the backbone of this show, which are the people pulled out of the bucket and the regulars that we get to watch grow. Ladies and gentlemen, tonight's guest, one of the front runners for guest of the year. Ladies and gentlemen, a freak of nature. This is one of those guys, much like,

Starting point is 00:04:14 much like many of you may not have known Tim Dillon before he was Tim Dillon or Shane Gillis before he was Shane Gillis. This is one of those guys where it is a ticking time bomb. If you don't know, the rest of the world will know, this is one of the best stand up comedians in the fucking world. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the great and powerful Sam Pallett. Oh yeah, baby.

Starting point is 00:04:39 Oh yeah, he is here. He's back. Let's fucking go. This is where the magic happens. That's some fucking looling. We're gonna have some goddamn fun tonight. 263 people have signed up for the show. Sam, how are you? Welcome back.

Starting point is 00:05:04 I mean, I'm a bit misty, I'd honestly, that was such a nice intro and these people, the fucking Kill Tony fan base has changed my life. And you guys buy tickets and you come to the shows and I'm just so grateful to be a part of this community. Uh, sorry I'm opening sincerely. That's not why you're here. That's good. Let me be vulnerable immediately.

Starting point is 00:05:26 Yes. That's a key to success here at Kill Tony. But, yeah, I mean, I was in Rome, I was in Amsterdam, I was in Dublin, man. Where do people get tickets for your shows? Samtalent.com. Samtalent.com with two L's in that talent. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:05:40 By the way, I forgot to mention, this episode is brought to you by Squarespace, Talkspace, Game Time, Shopify, and Zippercruter. Ka-ching, ka-ching, ka-ching, ka-ching. 260 people signed up for tonight's episode. This bucket is absolutely filled. I mean, this is thick and girthy. I don't know if you guys see this fucking shit. And I literally, I mean, I always do that, but you can't really tell. There's so many in there, and I like to get down and in and fuck it.

Starting point is 00:06:05 Oh, yeah, you dig it out. I do. I like to fucking see if I can fucking make it squirt. You should look the bucket in the eye if you're going that deep on it. Ha ha ha. Yeah, it's a nasty little bitch of a bucket. Uh... Oh, can I say something petty real quick?

Starting point is 00:06:21 Yeah, absolutely. There's a comedy club in London that won't book me unless I get to 100,000 followers on Instagram. So if you motherfuckers could follow me on Instagram, at Sam Talent, so then I can not work that club once I've achieved that goal, that would be... Oh yeah. That would be huge, all right?

Starting point is 00:06:40 You're a theater act now, Sam. Well, plenty of tickets available in Bridgeport, Connecticut. Well, you could look back at the highlight reel of times that I've talked about Connecticut on the show and see that almost nobody can sell tickets in Connecticut unless you are literally a retarded retard, in which case they're like, they're like, this guy is like us. I'm gonna go see the retarded retard because I live in Connecticut.

Starting point is 00:07:10 Truly the most garbage place in America. It's unbelievable. My advice is just don't perform in Connecticut. Make them drive, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, and then make them drive to Madison Square Garden. That's what I do. Yeah, well, I won't be doing Madison Square Garden anytime soon.

Starting point is 00:07:29 So please make the drive to Bridgeport. They added a Thursday, so that's insane. They're like, hey, no one's coming to Friday and Saturday. Why don't you come in a day early? So thank you all. Congrats on MSG, guys. That's a big moment in... Thank you. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:07:50 In comedy history. That's huge. It's unbelievable. A lot of other fun stuff coming up. A lot of big announcements happening. It's all very, very exciting. Just in case this is the first time you're watching this show, if this is your first Kill Tony,

Starting point is 00:08:04 we have to tell you that I pre-pulled the name. That person's getting wrangled from the bar across the street. When they get up here they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know their time is up and you're the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood Bay. That interrupts them and then I conduct an interview. We find out more about them, what makes them interesting, what makes them interesting, what they could talk about,

Starting point is 00:08:26 how they could possibly be better or get better, or sometimes just a superstar. And we find them and it happens and their career thrives here on Killtony. Anything can happen. You guys ready to start tonight's show? While we wrangle that comedian from across the street, I have a regular for you guys. And he is a superstar. His adventure started very, very recently. Meanwhile, he's considered a heavy

Starting point is 00:08:59 fan favorite in the history of the show. On this adventure of his, as he continues to conquer all of his goals, the number one goal is still amongst us, which is making him a citizen of the United States of America. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you a brand-new minute from the Estonian assassin, Ari Matty! I love you too. I love Texas, I love you too. I love Texas.

Starting point is 00:09:45 I love it. I do have to say one thing as a European though. Open carry is fucking bananas. I've never seen so many guns in the wild before. Everybody's got guns here. I went to like Whole Foods, saw a mother with a gun. Just two kids and a gun. And you could see these kids listen.

Starting point is 00:10:13 You can tell these kids go to bed by 10 p.m. Or there's gonna be a home-school shooting. Heh. Heh. I could never have a gun. I'm a psycho. I could never walk around with the ultimate argument finisher.

Starting point is 00:10:40 Every interaction I'm in would escalate. I would be at the McDonald's like, ha ha ha ha! Oh, the ice cream machine is off! Turn it on! Thank you. And that is how it's done. Superstar Ari Mati has done it again.

Starting point is 00:11:13 Hey somebody has your merch Sam. That's crazy, huh? I know. I know. You can get it on at SamTown on Instagram. Were you playing tennis on a yacht today Ari? Are you playing tennis on a yacht today, Ari? That is... Well, usually you have shorts on too, so I figured I'll do a little thing, but now this motherfucker long pants. Fuck. So first you're stealing my job, and now my look?

Starting point is 00:11:38 I do know, I look fucking nautical today. Look at that thing. Speaking of nautical, look at the fucking compass on this fucking guy. That thing's pointing north, south, east, and west. Holy shit, I don't know which direction. What? Whoa, don't touch it like that, Ari. Oh my God.

Starting point is 00:11:56 Oh Jesus. What? I see her Estonia's. Oh my goodness. I see your Latvia and your Lithuania. Holy shit, looks like a goddamn vodka bottle in there. My goodness. I don't actually, my dick is like cookie, but I have huge balls.

Starting point is 00:12:17 Yeah, you got those Ari fatties. You might think it's big, but you don't know it's 80% balls. Yeah, you got those Ari fatties like You might think it's big but you don't know it's 80% balls My dick looks like it's on a bean bag You're so European you literally have soccer balls Incredible that is the total package you have there. My eyes are up here, Tony. I'm sorry, I'm still thinking of dick jokes. It is incredible. It is amazing. What do you think? You like it?

Starting point is 00:12:54 Oh, shit. Look out. That Latino guy will get you pregnant. You keep putting that face like that. That's what they do. Why are you saying no? Oh, he's black? Is that what he told you? Alright. That's what they do. Why are you saying no? Oh, he's black? Is that what he told you? All right. That's an illegal immigrant. Hey, I'm African American.

Starting point is 00:13:12 I swear to God, no, I'm black, dude. Don't do a dose trace on me. I mean 23 and me. Oh, wait, that's not the genetic one. I fucked that up. Trumpet guy getting involved. All right. You just fucking woke up, I guess.

Starting point is 00:13:32 The Mexicans are always excited to claim one of their own over here. What do you guys think? Do you look black, do you? No. Okay, Gonzalez says no. Carlos Sosa gives a shaky hand. Fernando Castillo. Raul Vallejo

Starting point is 00:13:46 says hard no. I mean that is a hard no. I'll say it. You look black. What do you do for work, sir? A what? A producer. He's British.

Starting point is 00:14:02 I'm a fucking producer. I'm a producer. He's British. Yeah. I'm a fucking producer. Oh. I'm a producer. Yeah, so black. I'm a producer. Oh, hello. Welcome to another episode of Black British Guy. I'm a producer here. I secured seats to the front row of the show.

Starting point is 00:14:24 I'm just like any other black guy hanging out with a Mexican woman. Looking Mexican. You're black too? You guys are all fucking... What is going on? What is this? The Kamala Harris section? You guys are not black. You're not black. You're not black. You're not black. Welcome to Kill Tony. Ha ha ha ha. Oh.

Starting point is 00:14:49 This is Kill Tony. All right. We're gonna check in with John Dees, our senior black correspondent here. Yeah, thanks for asking me first. And we should ask them questions to see if they're black. Welcome to another episode of How Black Are You? They just covered...

Starting point is 00:15:10 They both just covered up their faces like that, by the way. Whoa, I didn't see her fingernails. She is black. Whoa! That is true. That is a black woman. I'm starting to see it now. I'm starting to see it.. I'm starting to see it. Ari, put that microphone up to the gentleman's face.

Starting point is 00:15:29 What's your name, sir? Quincy. Oh, my name's Quincy. Hello. Oh, I'm from the mean streets of... Oh, Abbey Road. Oh, hoot-hoot. Oh, toot-a-loo.

Starting point is 00:15:44 And hootie-hoo. Oh, Iodaloo, and hoody-hoo. Oh, I'm so black. All right. What are you producing, Quincy? Music. Okay, what kind of music? Like rap music. Oh, British rap music, hello.

Starting point is 00:16:00 You've heard of the Black Beatles, perhaps? Song by Ray Strummond? The rhythm of the street speaks to me, isn't it? Perhaps you've heard some of my songs, Queen Coon-ta? Do you do any of the rapping? No, no, no, just the music. No, you just do the background music. Okay. How can we find some of the rapping? No, no, no, just the music. No, you just do the background music. How can we find some of your music?

Starting point is 00:16:28 It's on Spotify. It's on Spotify. It's on fucking Spotify. Oh yes. How would we find it? You're about to blow the fuck up right now whether you want to or not. Type in... No, put in...

Starting point is 00:16:44 What kind of producer are you? What's the name? No, no, I'm thinking of a song. Putting Burning, Burning is called GRM and then Burning. GRM, Burning? Yeah, that's one of the songs that I'm... GRM. You sound really excited for this.

Starting point is 00:16:58 Red Band doesn't know how to spell GRM, so it's just going to be a second here. You can spell G-R-A-V-Y. No, I don't think there's a G in there. So it's just going to be a second here. You can spell G-R-A-V-Y. I don't think there's a G in there. Is this it with M. Huncho? Yeah. He doesn't look excited. Let's hear a little bit of it.

Starting point is 00:17:14 Oh, shit. Hey. All right. Another beautiful day. Where are my homies at? I cannot seem to find them. Oh, my goodness, the trolley is late. But I'm on time.

Starting point is 00:17:49 Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. All right, all right, all right. You win, British black guy. Bloody hell. All right. Biggie Sora. This is a crazy show. Sometimes you can make it big from the front row at this fucking show. That's a fucking, you got some beats there, dude. Sometimes you can make it big from the front row at this fucking show.

Starting point is 00:18:05 That's a fucking, you got some beats there, dude. That was way better than I expected, to be honest. Holy shit. I like how it started Chinese. We really cannot put a finger on this guy's race. No. He's like, hey, keep him guessing, brother, all right? Amazing stuff. What a way to get it started.

Starting point is 00:18:30 Ari, you are the fucking man. Thank you so much, everybody. I cannot wait to see it happen. We are one election away from Ari Matty becoming an American citizen. I'm positive of it. Ooh, it's the lovely Heidi! Alright, and so it begins.

Starting point is 00:18:53 We move on to the bucket. This is where we find our next, uh, it could be anything can happen here. It's where we found all of our regulars. It's where we found every golden ticket winner that's ever been on this show. Sometimes it's a crazy person. Sometimes it's a person that's been doing it a long time that buckles under the pressure. Sometimes it's someone that's brand new, that thrives.

Starting point is 00:19:15 Anything can happen. Ladies and gentlemen, your first bucket pool of the night with 60 seconds uninterrupted goes by the name of Tom Feeback. Here we go, Tom Feeback. Here we go, Tom Feeback. What's up, guys? I have a girlfriend. We've been trying to spice up our sex life

Starting point is 00:19:35 a little bit recently. Like the other day, she gave me road head. Yeah, and that's a great time until the Uber driver kicks you out. That is not a good time. I'm poor. I think I did the poorest thing you could do recently, and that's donate plasma. That has to be the brokeest shit you could do.

Starting point is 00:19:55 Whenever you go to donate plasma, they always make you do this questionnaire, and all the questionnaire wants to know is if you're gay. That's the entire, first question, have you had sex with a man? I'm like, no. Next one was, have you had sex with a man? I'm like, no. Next one was, have you had sex with a man even once? I'm like, that's the same exact question. And then they give you one to, like,

Starting point is 00:20:14 throw you off the scent a little bit. You know, they're like, have you eaten today? I'm like, yeah, I ate. They're like, yeah, pretty hungry after sucking on that cock, huh? I'm like, no, just here for my $40, dude, just... I don't know. They have signs in that place, you know?

Starting point is 00:20:30 It'll say something like, today you saved a life. I don't give a fuck about saving someone's life. Like, you can literally tell me what you do with my plazas. We take it and we make nuclear bombs with it. I'd be like, you said $40, right? You said 40? You'd fucking kill him, dude, fucking. All right, guys, that's it.

Starting point is 00:20:45 Thank you. Tom Feeback. Tommy. What's up, Tony? How you doing, Sam? Solid 60 seconds. This is your first time on the show? It's my second time on the show.

Starting point is 00:20:55 Okay, awesome, awesome. How long you been on standup? Almost four years now. Four years. Where at? Chicago. And now you live here? Yeah, I've been here, yeah. How long have you lived here for? I've been here for about four years now. Four years. Where at? Chicago. And now you live here? Yeah, I've been here, yeah. How long have you lived here for?

Starting point is 00:21:07 I've been here for about four months now. OK. How do you like it? How's it going? So far, so good. You know, just doing spots around town, getting up as much as I can. OK.

Starting point is 00:21:16 Yeah. All right. I like the Shane Gillis posture that he had on stage. Oh, yeah. Yep. Shane came along, and now everyone fucking stands like this, like they're hiding half a hoagie. Ha ha ha ha ha.

Starting point is 00:21:26 Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha. It's so true. Every white kid you see do stand up now. Then they do hand behind the back, which no one's ever done, that's a human being before. Yeah. This is an insane way to stand, but hey man, it's okay. I was a big John Panet guy,

Starting point is 00:21:46 so that's why I'm morbidly obese. I'm a hand behind the back guy. I didn't realize that was a... I've never had anyone make fun of it before. Well, yeah, no one's brave, you know? You guys are kingmakers, but you're my friends now, so... That's true. That's on you.

Starting point is 00:22:07 The double handed thing I have noticed recently. It is a thing. It's a, it is a New York, Chicago thing. It's like you're trying to smuggle a Bud Light tall can into the movies. I love it. So Tom, what do you do for a living? Uh, we went over this last time. I'm doing, we're going to go over a living? We went over this last time. I'm doing Uber Eats. We're going to go over some stuff that we went over last time. How dear? Oh, I apologize. Right now I'm doing Uber Eats.

Starting point is 00:22:33 Uber Eats? Okay. All right. How's that going for you? I don't know. It kind of sucks. It's a shit job. Tell us about it. What are some things that we wouldn't know about a new breeds driver? Because I order a lot of food. Oh yeah? Almost every single meal.

Starting point is 00:22:51 And I always wonder, like what the fuck? Can I tell you something that drives me crazy? You have a car, right? Yes. Yeah. I ordered sushi the other night. And- You think he delivers in a rickshaw?

Starting point is 00:23:03 Well, no, it gets, this is, it's wild. I ordered sushi the other night and I went uh... You think he delivers in a rickshaw? Well, no, it gets... This is... It's wild. I ordered sushi the other night, and I went a little crazy, right? I got one of those platter trays, right? And then my fucking Uber Eats is like, yeah, okay, your driver is gone, and there's a little bicycle icon there.

Starting point is 00:23:20 And then I'm like, you gotta be fucking kidding me, right? I like went big on this one, right? Like 120 bucks in fucking sushi. And I'm already picturing the thing, right? It shows you a picture of the fucking, it's the platter. Not the, it's not like I got fucking four rolls or whatever where it would be like a rectangle. You can just say you're rich, Tony.

Starting point is 00:23:39 Yeah, no, they know, they know. I'm very happy for you. They know, thanks to Squarespace, Talkspace, Game Time, Shopify, and ZipRecruiter, I got the fucking platter. God damn it. I worked my ass off for this platter. It's all I ever wanted. It's all I ever needed.

Starting point is 00:23:57 Anyway. And I see the bicycle and I know right fucking away. I know right away. I'm like, there's no way that this bicycle has the fucking infrastructure to handle this platter. This fucking guy is gonna shove this thing in a fucking backpack long ways, and sure enough, I get it. And everything's on fucking one side.

Starting point is 00:24:16 It's all smushed together. Yeah. Was it hard to eat it in your ivory tower? No. It's... It's... Did's... It's... It's... Did it make it difficult for your slaves to feed it to you in bed?

Starting point is 00:24:29 It was. It was. The altitude was getting to them. They were wobbly with the chopsticks. The blindfolds didn't make it when they came over. I was so delusional, I thought that I was hanging out with a bunch of British rappers for a second. Have you seen the person walking icon yet? Where it's like your order will be there in 30 minutes.

Starting point is 00:24:55 You gotta be fucking kidding me. It's happened twice. Oh my, you must have a low Uber Eats rating or something for God to punish you like that. Tom, you can say something funny as well. We're just letting you guys do your thing. We're having a lifting over here. I'm just letting you guys do your thing. I just.

Starting point is 00:25:23 Okay. But you have a car you're delivering? Yeah, delivering a car. What kind of car is it? Honda Accord. Oh my goodness. Yeah. A little hatchback?

Starting point is 00:25:32 No, no, just a sedan. Four doors. Four doors. Look at you. Wow. Falling out of control. Falling out. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:25:41 Okay. Any crazy orders that you've had recently or anything go wrong or go good? No, it's mostly the names that are like trip me up sometimes. Yeah? What do you mean? Well, there was one name that I had to pick up for and it was basically the N word. Whoa, you're talking about one of those Quincy's? You know who we left out of the conversation when we were deciding if Quincy was black?

Starting point is 00:26:08 Was this dangerous white supremacist right there. Oh yeah, look at this stone cold killer. Yes. I see... This guy saw Trump's post about Owen too on assassination attempts. He's like... Soon. Oh yeah. on assassination attempts, he's like, -"Soon." -"Soon." -"Oh, yeah."

Starting point is 00:26:28 -"Tom, what do you think? Is he black enough for you?" -"Yeah, yeah, he's black enough, I think, yeah." -"I don't know what's goi I still see a little Latino in him. I would describe him as a wet black." -"Oh, oh, oh, we came for Kill Tony. We didn't expect a joke like that.

Starting point is 00:26:49 Oh, no, we never heard nothing like that before on the Jimmy Fallon show. This isn't what we expected. Bro, you heard the fucking beat he made. Come on now. Wait, what? Credit where credit's due. You heard the beat he made.

Starting point is 00:27:04 All right, Matt. Jesus, what are you, a fucking lawyer? My God, how dare you continue the jokes on Quincy? I mean, you heard the beat. Objection, Tony, objection. My God, Jesus Christ Almighty. Your turn, Tom. You know what? I changed my mind. I don't think he's black. I don't think he's... Whoa, whoa. What is that? Oh, look how pissed Matt is.

Starting point is 00:27:35 Flag on the fucking plane there. He looks Dominican to me, to be honest. Whoa. Look out. Dominican Republic. DR. Dr. Dre. All right. Back to you, Tom. What's happened interesting in your life since the last?

Starting point is 00:27:53 I can't remember your last set. Did it go good? Was it as good as that? No, I think it went well. Sam was on the episode last time. I got the big joke book. I thought it went solid. Since then, people have been trying to scam me

Starting point is 00:28:06 to do headlining sets since they saw my Kill Tony thing. Scam you? Scam me, scam. Scam you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Tell me more about that. This is a very interesting thing that people would love to know.

Starting point is 00:28:15 I got a message on Instagram and he's like, yeah, come out and do my show, I'll pay you all this stuff. And then he's like, I'll send you a chauffeur, I'll pay for your hotel flight. And I was like, this has to be a scam. No way. No one wants me that bad. You know?

Starting point is 00:28:28 Yeah. And then he just stopped messaging me. What do you think happened exactly? Did he watch your whole set? Well, what do I think happened? I think because I wasn't. think, because I wasn't, well he wanted me to send my bank info to him. Oh!

Starting point is 00:28:49 Well, yeah. You didn't say that he wanted you to perform in Ethiopia. This is incredible. Wait, no, that's not it. Nigeria? It's close enough. We're taking a lot of shots, man. They're all going to go in. Yeah, exactly.

Starting point is 00:29:02 We're not Quincy on the court. They're not all gonna go in. Yeah, exactly. We're not Quincy on the court. You know? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Amazing.

Starting point is 00:29:10 Amazing. Where was this gig gonna be at? It said Baltimore, I think. Somewhere in Maryland outside Baltimore. You know, so you know they're shady, you know? Yeah. Might have been real. There's not a gig in the world that will need your bank

Starting point is 00:29:22 info, by the way. Just a little something for all the listeners out there. Do not get excited about a gig that needs your... Well, first he said he wanted my bank info to wire the money. And then he said he was going to email me a check. Oh. I don't think you email checks. I'm not a financial guy.

Starting point is 00:29:39 And you were excited, though. You're like, yeah. Oh, yeah. I'll do anything for $200, dude. I'll do... $200! He was going to he was gonna fly you show for you well yeah that's how I knew it was a scam I'm like no this doesn't add up you know 200 well yeah my god anything for 200 huh hit me up red band you go. Someone's on the secret trail this week. Don't look at me when you're horny.

Starting point is 00:30:08 I love it. Well, Tom, very fun times. Another rock solid appearance. You already have a big joke book. You did it again, taking advantage of your time here in Austin, Texas. And showing the world what's up. There he goes, Tom Feeback. And it goes on and on. Can't understand how I last so long. I must have superpowers.

Starting point is 00:30:29 Hey, y'all. This podcast is sponsored by DraftKings Sportsbook. Are you ready for UFC 307 this weekend going down in Salt Lake City? I know I am. Check this out. You can get in on all the action with our partners at DraftKings Sportsbook, Red Band! That's right, Tony, I love DraftKings Sportsbook and I'm definitely going to play some bets on UFC 307 this weekend. Right now, all new customers who bet $5 will instantly get $200 in bonus bets. Download the DraftKings Sportsbook app now and sign up using our promo code KILLTONIE. The crown is yours. If sports betting is not yet available in your state, don't worry. You can still join

Starting point is 00:31:12 in on all the fun with DraftKings Daily Fantasy and have the shot to win cash prizes. So download the DraftKings Sportsbook app now. New customers use our promo code KILLTONIE and bet just $5 on any wagering at $200 in bonus bets instantly. That's promo code KILLTONY only at DraftKings Sportsbook. Your next bucket poll goes by the name of Darren Jones everybody. Here we go Darren Jones. 60 seconds. I talked to Jesus last night. It was deep.

Starting point is 00:31:49 He said, they've been trying to come back for centuries, but these hoes keep aborting him. Like, goddamn, it's a crucifixion with some shit but them pussy vacuums, pshh. He said he tired of going through that shit, man. He'd rather just say fuck coming back. It's real, like, shit deep. He said, like, niggas gonna see fire and brimstone before he have to settle for some Catholic pussy.

Starting point is 00:32:20 That shit ain't happening. He said, like, he's gonna see fire and brimstone before he have to settle for some calving pussy. That shit ain't happening. That shit ain't happening at all. It's fucked up, man. Might not ever see the Christ again because of these hoes, man.

Starting point is 00:32:41 What type of shit is that? It's gonna be damn nation around this motherfucker. It's my time, y'all. All right. Darren Jones. Welcome to the show, Darren. This is your first time here, right? Yes, sir. I love it. Grab that mic.

Starting point is 00:32:56 Let's talk about it. I love it. Welcome, welcome. Big opportunity. We're your best slides. Hell, yeah. Yeah. That's what we meant. I love it.

Starting point is 00:33:07 I love it. Slides and jokes are coming out like Scam Patterson. I love it. Hey real quick, you just did pretty good. If anyone offers you $200 to go to Baltimore, take it. All right? Right, right, right, right. Absolutely.

Starting point is 00:33:24 Welcome, welcome, Darren. How long you been doing stand-up? For about a year and a half, two years. And before that, you were doing angry poetry? Yeah, something like that. Something like that, really? Nah, nah. Oh, okay.

Starting point is 00:33:38 Wrapping, so it's kind of the same. You were rapping? Were you rapping about the lost tribe of Israel? No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

Starting point is 00:33:46 No. No. No. No. I love it. Rastafari. I and I. What do you do for a living?

Starting point is 00:33:56 Right now, I work for a fencing company. You've been working for a fencing company? What do you fence, stolen goods? No. No. No. No. No. Sorry, D. It's a fence, stolen goods? Psst. Heh. Sorry, D. It's a pun, sir.

Starting point is 00:34:10 It's a synonym joke. So you build fences here in Texas? I don't build them. I actually work in a lumber yard, where I just... Really, all the builders are Mexican. You know what I'm saying? You build the Mexicans? Yeah, nah. All the builders are Mexicans,

Starting point is 00:34:25 but everybody who work in the yard ain't Mexican. Did they keep you in the yard? Yeah, yeah. Is it like a yard like a field? Nah, nah. When you say a yard... How do they keep you in? Yeah.

Starting point is 00:34:43 How do they keep you in? Yeah. They have a fence around the fencing that you have to stay in? Nah, nah. Okay. Now are you typically dangerously stoned? Is that... Ha ha ha ha ha!

Starting point is 00:35:02 Do you usually roll around the highest man allowed by law? No, I don't even smoke, man. What? Whoa. What? This is amazing. You smoked so much that you just stuck like that at some point? That's probably what happened.

Starting point is 00:35:17 This is incredible. This is absolutely amazing. You're so chill. You're so... Smear. Iry is the term. You're so chill. You're so... Iry is the term.

Starting point is 00:35:29 Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely. I love it. So what else do you do for fun? Trying to do comedy for fun though. I mean, shit. Nothing lately, but working and trying to do comedy, man.

Starting point is 00:35:41 It's expensive down here. I love it. I love it. You're surviving though. Yes, sir. I love it. You're surviving though. Yes, sir. I love it. But you rap sometimes, you said. I used to.

Starting point is 00:35:50 Yeah? Yeah. If we gave you a little beat, could you give us a little example of a rap right now? Oh yeah, I can do that. Sounds great. Yeah! Uh, tell Michael what you want there.

Starting point is 00:36:00 If there's a specific type of beat or whatever you, these guys can do anything and- I can go off anything. Okay well there you go. Oh shit. I ain't freestyled in a minute. Put that mic right up so that we can all hear you. I ain't freestyled in a minute fuck it it's time to get up in it I like papa on the spinach, but if a nigga disrespect, I got some smithin' Weston if y'all ain't get it Up here on Keele, Tony open mic, rappin' and shit Man, I used to be trappin' and shit, but I'm a changed man

Starting point is 00:36:39 Right now, comedy the motherfuckin' game plan Check it out, we wanna speak about it? Shit, I'm on the stage, I'm a geek about it I'ma call my motherfucking game plan. Check it out. We wanna speak about it. Shit, I'm on the stage. I'm a geek about it. I'm gonna call my fucking fam after this shit and tell them how I met that crazy nigga Hinchcliff. That's a grand thing. I think I gotta drop the mic after that flow.

Starting point is 00:37:00 Y'all don't even want me to, ugh, y'all don't want me to go. All right. Yeah! Amazing. Quincy, do you want to make him an offer? Let's take this thing all the way back to Essex, Quincy. Come on. I will keep him in my yard.

Starting point is 00:37:21 Yeah. Do you have a passport? I love it. Very, very chill, very mellow. You're like Wyclef Yon. Amazing. How long you been rapping for? Since I was a kid.

Starting point is 00:37:42 I remember my first rap. Yeah? Yeah, it was my first rhyme, I should say. I hit him in the face, then I spray him with some mix. I was like six, like... Wow. Yeah. Bars, you know what I'm saying? So you peaked early.

Starting point is 00:37:56 Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. How bad was your home life if that was your first rap? Was that about mom's new boyfriend? Nah, nah, nah. How bad was your home life if that was your first rap? Was that about mom's new boyfriend? Nah, nah, nah. Something cool to say.

Starting point is 00:38:11 Oh, yeah. I get cool stuff. I say cool stuff all the time. Amazing. Amazing. That's what made me, like, start comedy, actually. It was a Bill Burbit where I seen his transition into like where he said, that's what's funny about Hitler. And that reminded me like when you on a certain rhyme scheme, when you switch like the rhyming word up to a different sounding word, like you gotta make it smooth and they gotta hit hard.

Starting point is 00:38:36 You know what I'm saying? So I was like, hmm, that hit me right there like a bar. Like, hmm, I think I can try to do this. You know what I'm saying? Absolutely. Amazing. I know what you're saying. I believe.

Starting point is 00:38:53 Yes. Your vibe is correct. It is incredible. How old are you, Darren? 36. 36. Meanwhile, you look like your own grandmother. That's incredible.

Starting point is 00:39:05 It's unbelievable. You look like you speak for the trees. Whoopie. Oh, good. I love it. Darren, you have a love life? You've been going on dates, or you got a girl, or what's going on?

Starting point is 00:39:23 Oh, nah. I'm going through a divorce. Okay, how long were you married? Since 2015, December. Okay, 2000. But it's gravy though, she still, she cool, we cool. Yeah. Yeah, she moving back home.

Starting point is 00:39:38 Where's home? Zimbabwe. Oh! So you got the country in the divorce. It's cheap enough. What's her name? Ruto. We've been doing this a long time. I love it.

Starting point is 00:40:12 I love it. So why did the divorce happen? What happened? Oh, no. Oh, because she's moving back to her country and I don't want to go with her. I'm American, god damn it. She wanted you. Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Starting point is 00:40:26 Yeah! Yeah! Do you miss her? Do I miss her? She ain't gone yet, shit. What, you haven't finished the job? Nah. When she told you that, uh, when she told you that she was going back to Zimbabwe, how

Starting point is 00:40:42 did she say it? Maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa Maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa Maaaaaaaaaaaa Maaaaaaaaaaaa Maaaaaaaa Maaaaaaaa Máa Máaááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááá You know what I mean? Doesn't really matter what she said. That was going to be the answer anyway. Um, amazing. So her ultimatum was move back to Zimbabwe with me

Starting point is 00:41:11 or we divorce. Um, something like that. We actually came to the decision ourselves because I told her, cause she wasn't fully happy. Like, Wait, what? Cause we came to the decision cause we sat down and talked to her, talked about it, and I told her,

Starting point is 00:41:26 she said I always said it was more chaotic over here. It was like she got her bachelor's in nursing, she still ain't happy. I'm like, just go home and see if you're good over there. It's more chaotic here than in Zimbabwe. What the fuck is Zimbabwe like? That is not how I would have pictured things. Does it carry things on her head or something? Like, like, baskets?

Starting point is 00:41:49 Nah. What the fuck? Red Band, stick to the soundboard. Uh... Stick to the wacky sound effects, Red Band. It is truly your bread and butter. Oh, my God. Oh my God.

Starting point is 00:42:05 Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Just overtly racist. Yeah, it's unbelievable what you just said. Did she have baskets on her head?

Starting point is 00:42:17 Did she have baskets on her head? Did she have baskets on her head? Did she have baskets on her head? Did she have baskets on her head? Did she have baskets on her head? Did she have baskets on her head? Did she have baskets on her head? Did she have baskets on her head?

Starting point is 00:42:24 But where she from in Zimbabwe,, they only got electricity from 2 a.m. to 4 a.m. Like... Are you serious? Yeah, they broke as hell over there. I can't... You want to go back to that instead of be married to you? Yeah. Oh, that's tough.

Starting point is 00:42:40 So wait a second. They... Wait. Now, that's tough. So wait a second. They... Wait. Now, Red Band, how did you... What did you type in to find that picture? Black woman with basket of fruit balanced on head in Zimbabwe.

Starting point is 00:42:59 I mean, did you just make that with AI? What did you type in? Is that what you type Zimbabwe baskets on Ed? There are, it is literally a ton of image with black people with baskets on their head. I'm actually impressed that you knew that stereotype about Zimbabwe. This is one of the most-

Starting point is 00:43:19 I've never seen you this happy before. I've never seen him this smart before. I've never seen him nail a cultural stereotype like this. Have you seen a woman with a basket of fruit on her head in Zimbabwe? Have I seen it? Yeah. Nah.

Starting point is 00:43:35 Do you think your wife has seen it? Pretty sure, yeah. Yeah, absolutely. So they really only have electricity for two hours in the middle of the night, so you have to like plug your phone in then and just fall asleep and wake up with it kinda charged? Yeah, that's why I couldn't do that shit.

Starting point is 00:43:51 Yeah. So why would she go through all the work of getting a degree, moving to the, what we all up until now consider the greatest country in the world? What is it? Is it family that she misses? Yeah, that's mostly it, family,

Starting point is 00:44:08 and it's less stressful. Right, right. Were you still having sex? It's been almost 10 years. Was the, were you kind of like, uh, kind of, you know, was it kind of slowing down a bit? I bet those slides got her wet. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:44:22 Yeah. Nah, I was hitting them cheeks right, God damn it. You were hitting the cheeks right. Yeah. yeah. I was hitting him cheeks right, God. You were hitting the cheeks right. Yeah. Right. And she was still giving you head like a fruit basket? Yeah. This is the stupidest show on planet Earth. I can't believe it's wildly successful.

Starting point is 00:44:43 It doesn't really make any sense. Like, someone who... This is the stupidest show on planet Earth. I can't believe it's wildly successful. It doesn't really make any sense. Just giving you a head like a fruit basket. What other fucking, you know, it's just unbelievable. What else are Zimbabweans known for? Is that right, a Zimbabwean? I'll tell you what. Yeah, Farawai.

Starting point is 00:45:06 Yeah. Zimbabwe has a very troubled history. Yeah. Yeah, so if you meet like a white guy from South Africa, you're nervous. If you meet a white guy from Zimbabwe, leave the Falconry yard, all right? You gotta get away. The Rhodesian army? Am I insane?

Starting point is 00:45:22 Nah, you about right. Facts. Yeah. As we say. Yeah. They had the same president for, like, 60 years, and he died, and now everybody hated him, but now they got somebody even worse than him,

Starting point is 00:45:37 so they want the old nigga back. That's what happens. That's what happens. Sounds like somewhere else that I kind of know of. Yeah. You want to reinstill a dictatorship? Is that what you're saying? Hey, I'm fucking down at this point.

Starting point is 00:45:57 So, Darren, very fun stuff. I loved your interview, I love your style. Great stuff, here's a big joke book. Yeah. Welcome, welcome to the Kill Tony universe. That is the Kill Tony debut of Darren Jones. And we are off to a very hot start. This is very exciting. This is the return of a guy that's been doing this show forever.

Starting point is 00:46:22 He was on the show in LA, in the main room. He's been on at Vulcan Gas Company. He's been on here. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the return of Dan Nolan, a very rock solid comedian. A brand new minute by Dan Nolan. How's it going? I like trans porn.

Starting point is 00:46:46 A lot of people think that that makes you gay if you like trans porn. I disagree. You know what does make you gay? Chemicals that the government's been putting in our drinking water. No, I don't think it's gay to like trans women. The way that I look at it, I like women so much I don't even care if they have giant, beautiful penises. Ha. I'll suck a lady's penis. That's not gay.

Starting point is 00:47:11 You guys are gay. Shut up. Ha. I'm really tall. I am 6'5". A lot of insecurities with being tall. Like, I always thought that I had a small penis. Turned out it was just far away. So... Uh...

Starting point is 00:47:30 Mm. Me and my girlfriend are trying to have a baby. We're getting all the tests done and stuff. I just got my sperm tested. It was a blindfolded taste test. Uh... Almost... almost everyone preferred Pepsi. Uh...

Starting point is 00:47:50 All right, thank you, guys. Unbelievable. I'm back, baby! Unbelievable. Another rock-solid minute by Dan Nolan. So many jokes in that minute, too. He's so good. That was great, man.

Starting point is 00:48:03 Dude, I... It's been years. I haven't been on the show... I was on the last Comedy Store show. That was... that was too. He's so good. That was great, man. Dude, it's been years. I haven't been on the show. I was on the last Comedy Store show. That was the last one I was on. Wait, really? Yeah, I was never on in Austin. Really? Yeah.

Starting point is 00:48:11 Dude, I fucking signed up like 50 fucking times. That's insane. It's crazy. In my head, it's like a Baron Steve Bear's thing, or in our case, the Bean from Chicago. I could have sworn that you've been on the show everywhere. No, never in Austin. Wow, that's fucking crazy.

Starting point is 00:48:29 No, yeah. Well, we just see each other everywhere. It's like whatever. Yeah. But out there on the streets hustling. You're always going up and doing shows at the Sunset. Daddy Red Band's my boss now. I'm working over at fucking Sunset.

Starting point is 00:48:40 It's been years. Yeah. So tell the people. Look out there. None of these people know who I am. I was on the show a long time ago before millions of. Does anybody remember me from the old show? No, Dan, come on.

Starting point is 00:48:50 Let's just answer my question. All right. No, shit's really good. I got a great girlfriend. We're getting serious. We are trying to have a baby. How long have you been with her? Two years.

Starting point is 00:49:00 Where'd you meet her at? Just on Hinge. OK. What was your first date? We went to some coffee place in Mueller. OK. Classic romantic, I see. Yes.

Starting point is 00:49:11 Absolutely. She's a Belarusian. Ooh, easy to trick. Right? Ah, yes. Yeah. Very good. All you need is a pair and a burlap sack,

Starting point is 00:49:21 and she's yours forever. Yes. Congratulations on your budding love. She needs a pair and a burlap sack and she's yours forever. Yes. Yes. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Congratulations on your budding love. Thank you. That's great. Yeah, Belarusian. So she carries fruit baskets on her head.

Starting point is 00:49:34 Yeah. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. What are Belarusians known for? They make really good tractors. Wow. She went to the same college as Lee Harvey Oswald's wife. Okay. Wow. That's the two things that Belarus is famous for. And ballet. Oh yeah, the Bolshoi. Yes, they're strong on their feet. Bleeding toes these women. Yeah, she did ballet. Yes. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:50:05 Amazing. So you're trying to have a baby. What are you doing to try to have a baby? What exactly are you doing? You just, like, is there a special thing that you do? Do you, like, hold her upside down or anything like that? I had to take, like, a bunch of fertility hormones and stuff. Like, uh.

Starting point is 00:50:24 Did you, you got your sperm test and you have a low sperm count? No, I have like a crazy high sperm count now. It's insane. She now yeah now Yeah before yeah, I was taking testosterone for like four years So then I've had to stop and I had to take shit so that I to get like jumpstart my balls again right hcg No, I was taking a cheesy while I was on test and then I got off and I'm now taking, or I'm not taking anymore, I was taking Clomophene. What about PCP? You ever tried that?

Starting point is 00:50:49 Yeah, I have not. Get wet and then get wet, you know? Well the Belorussian soil is notoriously infertile. There's been various plagues and blights that have ruined their... That's true. You gotta fucking till the soil over and over again. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:51:13 Yeah. That's true. Yep. That's how you do it. Going with the spade, you know? So when you're coming inside of her, is it like, do you like go like, do you go like all the way in and like,

Starting point is 00:51:31 like just like stay all the way in or is it more of like a keep pumping and try to shoot it in there type of thing? I've always been kind of curious because I avoid making children. I have my own, I don't know if you've met William Montgomery, I have my own children here that I'm curious, because I avoid making children. I have my own, I don't know if you've met William Montgomery, I have my own children here that I'm raising.

Starting point is 00:51:49 It's a very hard job, but I don't know how to make a baby. Are you doing it like the BB gun at the carnival or like fill in the clown's mouth? Right, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Spray and pray. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:52:03 Yeah. Atta boy. Yeah. So what are. That a boy. Yeah. So what are you doing? Just kind of, yeah, yeah, leaving it in for a second. Leave it in for a second. Let it, let it marinate for a second, right?

Starting point is 00:52:14 You are a romantic. Yeah. Sweet boy. It's like prepping chicken thighs for you. Do you like scoop it back in like when it comes out? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, Red Band's like, do you blow it back in there with a scuba fucking?

Starting point is 00:52:31 Yeah. No, yeah, blow it in. That's Red Band, yeah, genius. Ever since you were right about Zimbabwe and fruit baskets, you got a real swagger about you, Red Band. All right, this is amazing. So what else is going on other than pumping away trying to make babies? Anything else we should know about you Dan? Uh, no just chilling, working. You work at Sunset Strip Comedy Club? Yeah I'm also like an engineer during the day. Oh wow look at that. Look at the staff

Starting point is 00:53:03 you have Redband working over there. Forgot to use the mic. He's been working on the ceilings for almost a year now. That's incredible. I'm the only one that can reach him. Incredible. Absolutely amazing. Well Dan, I love it.

Starting point is 00:53:20 With the last time you were on, since it was in LA, I'm assuming you don't even have one of these. Yeah, I never. Ladies and gentlemen, There you go. It's from the great bones On the secret show also Especially if you're working. All right. Thank you guys make some fucking noise for Dan Nolan. He's signed up over 50 times That was great. That's 50 fucking weeks of lingering around hundreds of other people at a big dreary bar known as Poor Choices on 6th Street. And he finally got back up again. All right, your next bucket

Starting point is 00:53:54 pool goes by the name of Mike Hammack. Make some noise for Mike Hammack, everybody. What's up, guys? I'm out here from Colorado Springs, from a very traditional, conservative Colorado Springs family. My grandparents are married for 62 years. They died four minutes apart. Sounds sweet. The doctors tell us that's very common in murder-suicides. Pretty much, par for the course is what he said. America's got a lot of problems.

Starting point is 00:54:26 I think none worse than women in their 20s having too much confidence. Listen, I was hanging out with a comic and his girlfriend, couple of her friends were out, we all had drinks, we got a little silly. One of them gives me like a half boob flash and looks me dead in the eyes and goes, I bet I'm hotter than your wife.

Starting point is 00:54:41 Yeah, what do you say? I panicked, I didn't know what to say. I'm like, yeah, maybe you're 22, but you're not hotter than my house and kids. Like I have a 3% mortgage. You think I'm gonna risk that on fucking you? Are you out of your goddamn mind? It's a pre-COVID mortgage.

Starting point is 00:54:58 What are you doing right now? What are your tits made out of? Custody, get the fuck out of here. Oh my God. I feel like that was the minute. I feel like that was the minute. That was the minute. Yeah, you did it, dude. That's what it's like. Welcome, welcome. Thank you. I love it. How long you been doing stand-up comedy?

Starting point is 00:55:17 Hey, how you doing? Uh, 12 years. 12 years. Where at? Uh, Denver. Denver with Sam. Oh, amazing. He's a fucking... You're with Sam. Oh, amazing. He's a fuckin', you're funny now, this is great. This is...

Starting point is 00:55:28 Yeah. When you came out, I was like, ooh, okay, check your phone. But no, that was great, Mike, way to go, buddy. Thank you. You win bald, that sucks, but... Yeah, I had two kids. I had two kids during the pandemic, so that's what fuckin' happens.

Starting point is 00:55:43 And did you become a pedophile for the mustache too? I like to jog and so it makes me feel like people see me with kids, they start chasing us and that's what the mustache is for. Not really good at riffing, Mike. Nope. You know, is, is, no. I gotta bully you a little bit, Mike.

Starting point is 00:56:02 That was good, buddy. Got good at the craft, not with the arts. You know what I mean? So, Mike, I love it. This is amazing that you're from Denver. Literally, I would say, without a doubt, top five comedy scenes in the country. And one of the greats from Denver, Sam Talents, here.

Starting point is 00:56:20 So you remember seeing him last funny, as we've seen this a billion times with people that have stuck with it. You've done it for a long time. He was so unfunny, I didn't like him. But now, now I'm charmed, man. That was great, dude. Oh, thank you. You're headlining on the road and shit, right?

Starting point is 00:56:35 Yeah, I'm going out a little bit. The kids have slowed me down the last couple of years, but I just booked a place in Michigan. The colony of the kids. How old are the kids? Three and one. Three and one. Girls, boys? Both boys. Both Michigan, the convent. How old are the kids? Three and one. Three and one.

Starting point is 00:56:45 Girls, boys? Both boys. Both boys, look at you. Dan Nolan's jealous. He's out there shooting blanks like fucking. Meanwhile, you look like the one that would need fertility drugs. I actually just got cut.

Starting point is 00:57:00 I just closed Chubb's shop. Oh my God, that is incredible. Looks like he needs HIV drugs. Yeah. It's fucking Philadelphia over here. It is incredible. You still based out of Denver? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 00:57:16 So you're just visiting Austin. Yeah, I flew in for this. Amazing. First sign up. Wow, that is absolutely incredible. You just got to literally see Dan Nolan, whose works for Red Band say that he's signed up over 50 times here in Austin, living here for years.

Starting point is 00:57:34 You fly in today, you get up, and you get to literally perform in front of a Denver icon and fucking have a good set. That is incredible. Yeah, that rules, man. I'm so fucking stoked. I'm very excited about that. That is pretty great. This is pretty cool. I also got up on the mothership open mic,

Starting point is 00:57:52 but I didn't know you had to check in, and so I missed my fucking spot on the open mic. So this is such a goddamn save. This is fucking phenomenal for me right now. Yeah. Yeah. Well, very business-minded, Mike Hammack. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Well, very business minded, Mike Hammack. Yeah, yeah, it tracks. Howdy, boy. Are you still in the Springs?

Starting point is 00:58:10 Yeah, we moved down there during the pandemic and we're locked and we got the kids. We're not going anywhere. Yeah, these kids are really a fucking anchor around your neck, huh, buddy? Yeah. You just need to... Yeah, the three-year-old has a sleep disorder,

Starting point is 00:58:25 so I've definitely thought about it. Yeah, yeah. What kind of sleep disorder does a three-year-old have? He has never slept through the night his entire life. From day one, he's still waking up two or three times a night. He's got a REM disorder, so every three hours, he's up for about 10, 20 minutes.

Starting point is 00:58:41 You should put him to bed forever, Mike. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Yeah. So, how long does it take him to fall back asleep?

Starting point is 00:58:54 What are some tricks that you do for that? You play him some of your old sets? We've tried a lot. We've tried, you know, books on tape. We've tried everything. You tried Oxycontin? I'll sing to them sometimes. Can you give us an example of something you'll sing?

Starting point is 00:59:14 I fucking do. Yeah, yeah. I do the classics. Do the Rockabye Baby. Sing the song, Michael. Sing the fucking song, dude. Entertain me, Mike. Rockabye Baby on the tre, Michael. Sing the fucking song, dude. Entertain me, Mike. My baby on the treetop.

Starting point is 00:59:27 When the wind blows, the cradle will rock. When the bow breaks, the cradle will fall. Down come baby cradle. Wow. Absolutely unbelievable. You're running the whole gambit here. We're getting a little taste of everything from Mike Hammack. Ironic that your last name is Hammack and you have a kid that can't fall asleep. If your name was Mike Tempur-Pedic, maybe you'd have better luck. What do you do for a living?

Starting point is 01:00:03 I do cyber security. Ooh, so cool. Ooh, I'm so secure with your cyber. Look, you help people download child pornography. Yeah. Absolutely incredible. It's true. Nobody likes a kid that can't fall asleep more than a pedophile. It's amazing.

Starting point is 01:00:23 Just action all night long. Just every 30 minutes just waking more than a pedophile. It's amazing. Just action all night long, just every 30 minutes just waking up for a more cock. When my wife is cranky, I know she's not putting out. Rockabye baby. All right. All right. Okay, Mike, what do you do for fun? You have this three year old, the one year old, other than stand up comedy what do you do for fun? You have this three-year-old, the one-year-old, other than stand-up comedy, do you have any passions? You seem like a guy that would have like a weird hobby up in the attic or something like that. Like miniature houses or something.

Starting point is 01:00:52 I like to read. I like to, we're going to the fucking zoo for my birthday because that's what you do with kids. So I'm going to go. Yeah, but not like a one-time thing. You don't have anything that you're passionate about. Oh, I like to read. I like to write.

Starting point is 01:01:03 I like to write some short stories, like stuff like that. And yeah, yeah, mostly just that. And just hang out with the kids. They're one in three. This is the best time to hang out with kids. They're fun. They're interesting. They can't remember anything. They can't remember. Yeah, so mostly it's just hang out with the kids.

Starting point is 01:01:20 All right. Well. How long are you in town for? I flew in Saturday and I fly out tomorrow morning, 7 a.m. No, well. How long are you in town for? I flew in Saturday, and I fly out tomorrow morning, 7 AM. Never mind. Well, I'll tell you what, though. You missed your spot upstairs. And I do have a little agreement with the great and powerful talent booker here, Adam Eaget.

Starting point is 01:01:41 One of the funniest human beings on planet Earth, and literally the best comedy booker in the world. We, uh, Rogan hired him from the comedy store. Everybody moved here and he has indeed, without a doubt, made this the greatest comedy club, uh, the best lineups in the world. And so, as a little special treat, I figured I wrote down Mr. Spot, so why don't we escort him to the other room and get him up and to make up for that spot. So Adam Egan will see you, you'll get that spot there. No pressure, but your entire, the rest of your career depends on how that set in front of Adam goes.

Starting point is 01:02:23 Thank you! So keep the momentum up, fucking ride the wave, and there you go. Good luck. There he goes. Mike Hammack. Oh, Mike, here he goes. One of those, too. Booyah. See the arc I put on that? I'm a jokebook-throwing master. I mean, I'm just the greatest. Don't let Dan's pop-up flip thing fool you. He fucked that up.

Starting point is 01:02:48 Mike hit me up to try and hop on my shows this weekend. I left him on red. So this is a bit embarrassing. But good guy, you know, loves his kids. Yeah, way to go, Mike. Oh my God. It's just, people will never believe how real this show is. Like a moment like that is so fucking hysterical.

Starting point is 01:03:16 Let's come on, Red. Very funny. Then you have to face them, literally in front of technically millions of people. That is amazing. We've gotten through four bucket pulls, ladies and gentlemen. And I think it's time for us to bring normally I like to bring a regular up when momentum is died out.

Starting point is 01:03:37 But I'm truly running out of big joke books here tonight. I have a plethora of little ones that have not been given out. So that doesn't mean we don't get another regular. You got it. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you one of the all-time greats of the show, a cold-blooded fucking killer. This is indeed the one and only Cam Patterson.

Starting point is 01:03:58 -♪ Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! I was in Oklahoma this weekend, and it was cool. I like Oklahoma because they had pretty good weed out there. And I smoked like regular a little bit, but I just liked the flower. I don't want nothing else. They brought me some weed, a lot of weed, and then they also brought me T.A.C. syrup. And the lady was like, listen, this syrup is very potent and strong. Only take a teaspoon.

Starting point is 01:04:32 And I wanted to be funny, so I'm like, I'm gonna drink the whole bottle. And she went, do not do that, you will die, right? So my homeboy, he is like a weed connoisseur. He love weed. Weed is his thing, right? So he was like, I'ma just pour half the bottle into a cup. I'll be fine.

Starting point is 01:04:48 Now listen, the bottle had a skull and crossbones on it. Do not, you listen, he thought he was better than the dead nigga. He not, okay? Nobody's better than the dead nigga. Nobody better than that skull and crossbone. You will die, right? That's why it's there. That same crossbone is on bleach.

Starting point is 01:05:08 You understand that? So he took the drink, right? And he became autistic. And not like regular, like non-verbal autistic. He was talking to me with his hands. And then he shit himself. So that was pretty cool. All right, that's my time.

Starting point is 01:05:30 Ha ha ha ha ha. Boo, y'all. Ha ha ha ha. Oh, man. I didn't think that was gonna work. I didn't think that was gonna work. That was strange. I was stressing.

Starting point is 01:05:40 I was stressing about that one. That was scary. You put yourself in quite the tough position. So many good sets, you're following yourself. You're competing with yourself week after week and there's nothing like it happening in all of comedy. You came in when the show was blowing up, was huge and doing great stuff. So it's a tricky situation and you handle it with grace like a pro.

Starting point is 01:06:04 Thank you. You're so naturally funny, Cam. Thank you. You're so fucking funny. And you handle it with grace, like a pro. Thank you. You're so naturally funny, Cam. Thank you. You're so fucking funny. Thank you so much, man. I don't know how you keep that hat on your head, but. It's black magic, nigga.

Starting point is 01:06:15 It's black magic. You mean voodoo? They're eating the cats and dogs, no, not voodoo. They're eating the cats and dogs. No, not voodoo. They're eating the cats and the dogs and shit. That was so funny. That was funny as shit. Is that your trumpet pressure? They're eating the cats and dogs, nigga. They're catching the dogs.

Starting point is 01:06:33 That's how they do it. That's how they do it. You go cross-eyed for your Trump? That's how you do it. That's how you talk. Eating the cats and the dogs. Ooh, it's getting better. I'm actually watching it get better.

Starting point is 01:06:41 It's getting better. It's getting better. It's getting better. It's getting better. It's getting better. It's go cross-eyed for your Trump? That's how you do it. That's how you talk. Ain't you catching your nuked dogs? Ooh, it's getting better. I'm actually watching it get better as you do it. I can really do a good impression.

Starting point is 01:06:51 Ain't you catching your nuked dogs? That's good. That's fine. I'm really, don't make that fucking face fuck. Nigga, that's a good Trump impression. He went, that's a great Trump impression. Yeah. It's so bad.

Starting point is 01:07:02 I'm not good with voices. I can only do mine. That's it. Any other one, I'm like, whatever, yeah, whatever, nigga. That's it. That's all I can give you, brother. Absolutely. I love it. Oklahoma does have great weed. Our favorite weed grower in the world moved to Oklahoma and began a huge operation there. And he was like, I'm gonna go to the store, and I'm gonna go to the store, and I'm grower in the world, moved to Oklahoma and began a huge operation there.

Starting point is 01:07:30 It's a thriving place. Weed is super legal. It is highly competitive. It's a whole thing going on there. It's crazy. That story happened yesterday and my dog with me right now and he's still high. That's the thing. The funniest part, I want to try to make that

Starting point is 01:07:46 like a full story, the funniest part about Rode to me is he was like in the bathroom, he was taking the shit, but he threw up on himself, right? Oh yeah. So he, but he wasn't, we were like, yo Joe, you good? And he wasn't saying nothing, like, yo Joe, you good? He wasn't, I'm like, this nigga probably died

Starting point is 01:08:03 in the bathroom, so we gotta go check on him, so I bust in the bathroom, and he just went, what you in here for, faggot? That's what he called me. He's like, I'm trying to help you, dumbass. Like, get out the bathroom, gay ass nigga. What are you, I'm trying to help you. That's gonna be doing the Oscars in 20 years. There it goes.

Starting point is 01:08:21 That's over. Oh, man. I don't think it'll take 20 years, there it go. That's over, oh man. I don't think it'll take 20 years to get there. That is amazing that if he thought that that was your moment to get gay while he's shitting and vomiting all over himself. This is my time, this is when I'm gonna make my move.

Starting point is 01:08:42 Don't forget to take it now brother. Oh yeah. This is good, man, I like move. Don't finna take it now, brother. That's... Oh, yeah. This is good, man. I like this a lot. I love gay people. Hell, yeah. I be having to say... You know what I realized about this show? My words matter. That's kind of crazy, right?

Starting point is 01:08:56 That's insane to me. Yep. My words mean something to people. That blow my mind. Bro, you know the episode... Yeah. This real shit. I didn't the episode? I didn't know this. I didn't know this. Black words matter.

Starting point is 01:09:09 They do. Yes. I didn't be saying random shit. A couple episodes ago I said legalize Fittonall because I just wanted to, right? And 20 people came to my show with legalized fitting all shirts and cam for president on they shirt. And I was like, you can't do that, dog. Don't listen to me. Hey, I'm gonna tell y'all something. I just found out that a pickle was a cucumber yesterday. Understand?

Starting point is 01:09:40 Do not listen to me. Don't do that. Do not listen to me! Go do that! And let's do a bitch with a fat ass that sucked my dick, please. I would love that. Hell yeah. No doubt about that. I might throw up, dude.

Starting point is 01:10:04 The Trump thing gave me the giggle so bad. I just learned that a pickle was a cucumber. Oh, fuck. That is amazing. I did, though. Yeah, that's true. That's a true thing. I can't look at you.

Starting point is 01:10:21 You think I'm playing, you think that's something I play about? I'm dead serious, though. I ate I'm playing, you think that's something I play about? I'm dead serious, dog. I ate a cucumber that was sliced like a pickle, and I went, oh, fuck. Who explained it to you? Who told you? Who confirmed it for you?

Starting point is 01:10:37 Well, my brain just went, oh, it all makes sense now. I just thought a pickle was another thing, dog. What did you think it was? You thought they grew that way? It's the only wet salty vegetable. Oh, I have a fucking cramp. I thought you made them in water or something. I was confused. What do you think a raisin is? Do you think a raisin is a groza is a raisin? Well after I went down that rabbit hole I also found out what a race it was. You went down the cucumber rabbit hole. Oh!

Starting point is 01:11:28 Oh! How old were you guys, though, when you found out cucumbers were pickles? See? That was like 40. See? What? I also thought pickles were just pickles. I feel fucking retarded. God damn it.

Starting point is 01:11:46 God damn it! Bad company! Bad company! You were all cool when you were bragging about knowing about the bean though, huh? Some pointless piece of art. And by the way, let me say, it's been a few weeks. I'm ready to talk about it. Let me just say, every one thing. And the big running joke, Tony's gay.

Starting point is 01:12:09 Tony's gay. Tony's gay. Can I tell you how many fucking tough guys reached out in every fucking way and form going, you don't know about the bean? All these people, like, you don't know about this art deco piece in Chicago? Bunch of f**k it's out there judging me.

Starting point is 01:12:33 The supposed gay guy for not knowing about some art installation in f**king piece of shit Chicago. A dump. And no, I work when I'm in show, I'm not visiting the fucking bean, you pieces of shit. Damn, fuck yo'. You bored fucking tourists. And he was just there to make a fucking internet video for content or else he wouldn't know what the fucking bean is either.

Starting point is 01:12:58 He didn't even know what a pickle was, it's a cucumber. I didn't know what the bean was in Chicago and the internet lost their fucking minds about it. Oh Stop the fucking clocks on kill Tony's success Tony's never been to an art. Look at this angry white guy. Not you won't even make eye contact with me Hey that nigga do look terrified. Oh my god, truly one of the scariest Did you sign up by any chance? Oh, God, it's a shame. Oh, my God, I'd love to hear what the fuck is on your mind.

Starting point is 01:13:37 Look at the wheels turning over there. It's a... it's gotta be a lot of raping child touching. You a weird guy. He has glasses. You a strange guy. You not a regular person, brother. He's wearing glasses, and he has another pair of glasses hanging out of his pocket. Right, that's crazy.

Starting point is 01:13:51 All scary and the pocket is button closed, but the glasses are, can you even get those out of there? Do those, oh, okay, very amazing. It's a fake button, it's a false button. Uh oh. Oh my god, this guy's a real. The key false button, that's a false button. Uh-oh. Oh my God, these guys are real. The key false button, that's crazy, that's kind of crazy.

Starting point is 01:14:07 Unbelievable. Unbelievable. What did you think pickles were, buddy? I mean, seriously. Please, I need to know how... I thought they just grew in water, bro, I didn't know. Who said what? Fuck you, goddamn... That's real shit, I thought they grew... I didn't know! Who said what? Fuck you, goddamn. That's real shit. I thought it grew. I didn't know.

Starting point is 01:14:26 The clouds are on those shit. God damn it. You thought they were sea cucumbers. Yes. Don't flex on me. What's wrong with that? What's wrong with that? Oh my God.

Starting point is 01:14:34 I didn't know, but I know now, so it's all good. Calm the fuck down. Everything's fine. Did you find out anything else in the rabbit hole? Raisins, anything else? Was there anything else? I don't know. I don't know.

Starting point is 01:14:42 I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I didn't know, but I know now, so it's all good. Calm the fuck down, everything's fine. Did you find out anything else in the rabbit hole? Raisins, anything else? Was there anything else? Nah, that was it. That was it.

Starting point is 01:14:52 I was like raisin and cucumbers, good to know. You're not ready for prunes, dog. Uh-oh. Oh shit, look at that face. Uh-oh. I know what a prune is. What is it? It's a dried upup plum, right?

Starting point is 01:15:06 Hey! Whoa. Wow. Holy shit. I'm a fucking genius! Wow. I did not know that. I'm smart as fuck, man. I'm smart as fuck.

Starting point is 01:15:18 I wasn't indicting you. I'm a genius. I was just delighted by everything you've done so far. I thought I was going to pass out and shit my pants. How about a beat? What's a beat? A beat? Oh, that shit grow out of the ground, right?

Starting point is 01:15:31 Oh, good job. Okay, I tried to trick you there. I know shit! Okay. I'm a genius. And it be standing in your hands and shit. Because it's red. That's right.

Starting point is 01:15:39 That's right. Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo. Fuck niggas. Ha ha ha. Cam, you are so fucking entertaining. It is unbelievable. What a star. What a fucking superstar. Make some, how loud can this place get for Cam Patterson?

Starting point is 01:16:00 God damn it. What an episode so far. All big joke books, all thunder and lightning, all the strongest regulars. When will momentum stop? Ladies and gentlemen, back to the bucket we go. 60 seconds uninterrupted in a momentous episode for Eric McLaughlin.

Starting point is 01:16:24 Eric McLaughlin. Eric McLaughlin. ["I'm Here for You"] Wow, hello everybody. This is my first time at Comedy Mothership. This is a great day, oh my God, I'm here. It was already pretty good. Last night I had a dream that I had sex with my high school crush.

Starting point is 01:16:48 Yeah, it was pretty good. It was a little weird when I realized I only really knew her when she was 15 years old. So I was like, I hope it was like a 30-year-old version of me and a 30-year-old version of her. Or maybe a 15-year-old version of me and a 15-year-old version of me and a 30 year old version of her or maybe a 15 year old version of me and a 15 year old version of her but I'm pretty sure that I am 30 and she was 15. So... I don't know what to do with that information. I guess I just won't go to sleep again.

Starting point is 01:17:35 Anyway, I'm not gonna make the minute. That's all. That's all I had. Thank you. All right. Well, there we go. I am grateful he bombed. We needed someone to cool this thing off. You didn't bomb, you did fine, you know, but... No, it's okay.

Starting point is 01:17:52 We needed to fucking pump the brakes a little bit. It made sense. They were getting spoiled out there, you know? They were like, no one's going to miss tonight. Well, you put an end to that rumor. So yeah. Even championship teams have to punt the ball every once in a while. You don't score on every drive.

Starting point is 01:18:12 You are that guy. So let's talk about Eric. First time at the mothership, first time on the show. How long you been trying standup? I've been doing this for two months. I am very new. I love it. Very, very new.

Starting point is 01:18:24 You live here in Austin, Texas? I do, I am very new. I love it. Very, very new. You live here in Austin, Texas? I do, I am a local, yes. Born and raised here? No, I was born in California, but I've lived here for like 17 years. 17 years, wow. How old are you?

Starting point is 01:18:36 I'm 30. 30? What made you move here 17 years ago? Parents, depression, or recession, or whatever they call it. Your parents moved here? That's right. That's Depression and recession, I don't know what the fuck that has to do with anything

Starting point is 01:18:54 What was 2008 is why so they were like we got to get out of California for jobs It was good when you tell a story and people have to do math. That's good. Yes 2008 Yeah, so where do they move to? we live Here Austin, it's where I've been they? We live here, Austin. It's where I've been. They're still living here and I still live here. What part? By the airport. Okay.

Starting point is 01:19:11 Yeah, yeah. Southeast Burleson. You want to take this opportunity to dox your parents' address? Do you still live with them? I don't. I live near them. I live like a block away from my parents. Why do you live a block away from your parents? Well, I lived with them when I got out of college, and they were like, I got a job somewhere, and I was making good money. They were like, buy a house next to us.

Starting point is 01:19:30 And I was like, okay. So I just bought a house in the area, because they were homes. And I was like, okay. If you guys want to grab a drink or go to the bathroom. Literally, so many people are like, oh, I've had to piss. Oh, my God, look at this storm. I've never seen anything like it before.

Starting point is 01:19:48 All right, oh, my goodness. There goes the... There goes hot chicks are leaving. Jesus Christ. What is happening? Time for a ketamine break, I guess. One of those girls was in a wheelchair, and she walked. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:20:02 This is unbelievable. Darren Jones is building a lumber fence around himself somewhere right now. Eric, this is incredible. You've literally emptied half the room. OK, so let's talk about it, Eric. Everyone is turned off by you. Oh, no.

Starting point is 01:20:23 Hey, for two months? For two months? Fine joke. Got nervous. off by you. Oh, no. Hey, for two months? For two months? Fine joke. Got nervous. Did a fine 30 seconds, you know? Yeah. It was, this is very hard. Stand-up's very hard.

Starting point is 01:20:32 It's hard. It is. It's very hard. It is. What do you do for a living, Eric? I sell mortgages. OK. You sell mortgages.

Starting point is 01:20:39 Are you good at it? Um. Um. Um. Well, he's already got a catchphrase. at it? Ummm. Ummm. Ummm. Well he's already got a catch phrase. That's good. Ummm. I'm like 8 percent good. 8.5.

Starting point is 01:20:54 No I'm okay. Jesus. What do you do for fun Eric? Uh, golf. I mean, what a classic thing that a white finance guy would do I guess. Hey mean, what a classic thing that a white finance guy would do, I guess. Hey, man, if you guys need to go take five, you know.

Starting point is 01:21:09 Yeah. Uh... Anything other than golf? I, uh, well, I play video games. I mean... What's your love life like, Eric? Love life is very boring. It's not going well.

Starting point is 01:21:26 Going on dates? I do not go on dates. When was the last time you attempted a date with a... Are you into women? Yeah, I'm into women. Yeah, I'm into women. No doubt about it. No doubt about it since the birth of the newspaper I've been in.

Starting point is 01:21:42 Is that really how I sound? Oh, wow. Yeah, is that how I sound? Huh? Mortgage rates. 7.5, 8.5. What are you into? What do you want? You sound like a cartoon that's gonna fight the Kaiser. That's what you sound. I saw houses, but you have to live within one block of where my parents live. We have some great units available in baggage claim.

Starting point is 01:22:03 You could take a locomotive to your new house. Buy a war bond while you're at it, see? Plant a victory garden, why not? Big upcoming election, I'm voting for Lyndon B. Johnson. I'm with Cal. Let's talk about these dates. When's the last time you attempt to argue on any of the apps? Are you trying?

Starting point is 01:22:27 You seem like a good looking guy until you talk. Wow. That was, okay. Made me feel kind of good I guess. I didn't even know that about myself, see? I always thought I was incredibly attractive. Hey, beep beep, get out of my way. I'm coming through here. I gotta drive to the mothership for my first time.

Starting point is 01:22:47 I need more petrol for my Model A. Traffic has really been crazy since the invention of the automobile. They shouldn't have let the Chinese drive. Look at this guy. This guy's... This guy has gout and he's walking out. I mean... You have confidence, you know?

Starting point is 01:23:09 You carry yourself in a way where it sounds like you might say something funny. I don't know. I hope I do. I'm just trying... I don't know. This is my first time in front of more than, like, 20 people, so this is pretty insane. But, yeah. Absolutely. Okay. But yeah.

Starting point is 01:23:26 Absolutely. OK. But yes, to answer your question, I am on apps. I do look for love. What does your bio say? Let's try to help you out. Well, shit, I don't have my phone. Probably something like.

Starting point is 01:23:38 You know what it says. I know what it's about to say, as seen on Kill Tony. Oh, no. on Kill Tony. Oh, no! The big bomb! Yeah. God, look at the people storming back in. And there goes another one. We are breaking even for people.

Starting point is 01:23:55 One in, one out. They're just tag-teaming. People are starting a cocaine habit in real time. These stylings of Eric McLaughlin. That's weird. Laugh is in the middle of your last name. Eric McLaughlin. I know. Pretty tacky. Pretty hacky. Crazy. No, it's there. Is that your real last name?

Starting point is 01:24:18 That's my real last name. Irish. But I'm actually Brazilian, which is interesting. Now we're talking. Okay, there we go. How are you Brazilian? My which is interesting. Now we're talking. Okay, there we go. What, how are you Brazilian? My mom is Brazilian. I am Brazilian. I have a passport there and everything. And I go to Brazil, I speak Portuguese. You should get a huge ass installed.

Starting point is 01:24:34 Yeah. That'd be cool. Comics need a hook in this day and age. If you got a huge ass and you're just fucking rocking it around in those shorts. Yeah, no hook, just a bump. I don't have an ass. Red Band, come on.

Starting point is 01:24:50 You stepped on the one funny thing he almost said. Red Band is the master at that. Oh my God. Can you speak, I wanna hear your, do a joke in Portuguese. Oh. Oh. Oh. Come on, you're really putting me on the spot here.

Starting point is 01:25:09 I can speak Portuguese, but I wanna make a joke with you. What? That's, there's no way. I couldn't do it. Are you, do you not speak Portuguese? Does anyone know? That lady that said what? Yeah.

Starting point is 01:25:23 No? Wait, wait, wait What goes around comes around my friend your house of lies is crumbling Quincy You speak Portuguese for real? Yeah. Okay. Quincy, what did he say when he said something into the mic? Put the mic up to Quincy's mouth. He literally said, I'm going to tell you a joke in Portuguese, but he didn't say a joke.

Starting point is 01:26:01 Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Quincy, you have front row tickets anytime you want from now on. This has been an amazing episode for you. VIP super treat. Do you live here in Austin, Quincy? Okay, perfect, good.

Starting point is 01:26:19 I'm glad. I just realized that I gave away $6,000 with the tickets at once. That's unacceptable behavior. But it was worth the pop. Okay. People heard Quincy talk and they're rushing back in the room. Yeah, exactly.

Starting point is 01:26:36 With dripping wet vaginas. Okay. So this, like last date you went on, when do you think that was? Oh, probably a year ago. Oh, my goodness. 1942, right before the start of the war. Oh, my gosh.

Starting point is 01:26:56 I believe it was the great Winston Churchill at the time. Maybe it's the nerds. Speaking on the radio. It was a year ago. It was a year ago. We went out to a bar. We got martinis. It just didn't click. I was just like, yeah, I'm not feeling this. When you say it didn't click, exactly how did it go? She was just...

Starting point is 01:27:18 We were just chatting along. I was chatting with her. I don't know. What do you say? You know what I want to do? Heidi? Is Heidi here? Can we get Heidi out here? Heidi. Oh, wow. Look who it is. Heidi?

Starting point is 01:27:32 Heidi, I just want you to stand there, and I want you to look him dead in the eyes. I don't want you to break eye contact with him at all. I want you to look dead at him, Heidi. And I want you to talk to Heidi like you're on a date with Heidi. Eric, you can... No, don't look at me, Eric. You look at Heidi. Heidi, you look at him. Eric, look at Heidi.

Starting point is 01:27:55 I'm looking right at him. No. Stop breaking eye contact with each other. Oh, yeah. Heidi, don't do that with your hair. That's not fair. Don't do that. Oh, no. Oh, Jesus Christ. that with your hair. That's not fair. Don't do that. Oh no. Oh Jesus Christ. Oh my God. Okay. Hello.

Starting point is 01:28:11 Hi. Oh, hello. Nice opener. You're killing it. I love this Applebee's. Is this your first time? At Applebee's or just ever on a date? Yeah, it, both.

Starting point is 01:28:25 Yeah. Anytime you hear that horn, that means that you've done not good. Got it. Just so that you know. OK. What is it? An Applebee's or anywhere else to eat?

Starting point is 01:28:36 Ever? Ever? Da-da-da-da-da-da-da. I can see why it's not going great. So let's try it again. Here we go. Take it from the top. And action.

Starting point is 01:28:43 What are you thinking of ordering? Oh, straight to that. All right. Weird move. You just sat down. I mean, the man is, I mean, my goodness. Oh, and you're thinking of ordering, huh? I usually let the man that I'm with order for me.

Starting point is 01:28:56 I'm a lady. Whoa. Oh, shit. What are you getting us? The pressure is on. What are you going to order? I'm the waiter. Hey, what can I get you guys? I'll get the barbecue shrimp, and I guess she will too,

Starting point is 01:29:10 because she doesn't know what she wants. I don't know. Whoa. Oh, my God. A man after my own heart. Yeah, I don't know. They're cracking her. Holy shit. I'm gonna eat, I guess, at this point.

Starting point is 01:29:21 This went to domestic violence on the first question. On what would you like to order? Why don't we, do you guys want to start with some drinks? Are you drinking shrimp juice, sir? Jesus Christ, welcome to App. Let's try it again, take it from the top. All right. Hey, we got you our best table right here.

Starting point is 01:29:39 Tony, I'll be over for you in a second. You're in good hands today. Okay, perfect, perfect. You look lovely this evening. We just got this host. We hired him straight from a rainforest cafe. He got fired today. We hired him at this Applebee's.

Starting point is 01:29:58 It's a very nice. And then I approach the table, pretend like I'm standing next to you and welcome to Applebee's. What can I get for y'all? Probably start with some drinks. Do you know what you want? Just some water with a lemon.

Starting point is 01:30:10 Some water, okay. I'll have two shots of vodka. That would be good. Oh! I'll take two as well, actually. I'd like two as well. All right. Two shots of vodka and a water coming right up.

Starting point is 01:30:24 You guys enjoy some conversation. I'll be right back with those drinks. Okay. So what do you do for a living? I'm a waitress on Kill Tony. Awesome. And I also manage a strip club. Oh.

Starting point is 01:30:38 Yeah. Which one? Yellow Rose in Austin, Texas. Okay. Yeah. I've been to the Red. That's a great club as well. It is.

Starting point is 01:30:47 Yes. Lots of pretty girls. Everywhere. I work with 12s all the time. 12s. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Honestly, I think you're doing great.

Starting point is 01:31:08 I appreciate it. Thank God that my first minute was over. But it was bad. Hey, Tony, I just started working here. You might want to bail out table eight. No, no, no, no, no. Don't change the fucking lighting. I'm obsessed with this.

Starting point is 01:31:31 This might go on for the next 45 minutes or so. Hold on. Keep the conversation going. It's unbelievable. You're waiting for your drinks. I'm out there making a water with lemon and two shots of vodka. Classic Applebee's order. Sam is filling up the ice bucket for me.

Starting point is 01:31:51 I needed more ice, so... Yeah, so how long have you lived in Austin? I've been here about three years now. Okay, perfect. Yeah. And do you like it here? I love it. There's a lot of fun things to do. A lot of transplants, unfortunately, from California, but...

Starting point is 01:32:12 What can you do, you know? Those Californians, they just keep coming here. They're just flooding this. They say, one recession, one recession, and they can't handle anything. So they come right here. Fuck those guys. I'm a local. I don't... Yeah, fuck them. Yeah. Fuck you! Good, thank God, thank God. I'm so sick of going on these dates

Starting point is 01:32:33 with these Californian men. Totally, yeah. Yeah. Eric, you're being out-alpha'd by your date. You might wanna control some of the conversation here. So, do you go to the gym at all? I do. I love it. I basically live there. It's one block away from my parents' house.

Starting point is 01:33:14 Sounds convenient. Now, sounds convenient, so. Don't see a problem with that. So where were you born? I was, I'm from California. Oh God. Waiter, waiter, waiter. Oh my goodness. Let's go Heidi, let's go get the fuck out of here. I'd love to.

Starting point is 01:33:37 There you go, your date just went and banged the waiter. Great job. Holy shit. Oh job. Holy shit. Oh my God, Eric. Sam, where do we even begin with this post-game analysis of this date? I've never seen a guy come in his pants on a fake date. He's like,

Starting point is 01:33:57 I'm gonna order the shrimp and I guess just two. Oh boy. I'll have the scallops. Ooh. Two shillings of vodka and water. I see you have both breasts. That's convenient. One for me, one for you.

Starting point is 01:34:29 Uh... Uh... I hope both my vodkas get here soon. Uh... Holy shit, Eric. He did a good job, God. Holy shit, Eric. He did a good job, dude. Yeah. That was good, man.

Starting point is 01:34:50 No, it's amazing. I appreciate that. I appreciate that. Redemption song. Yeah. It is incredible. You know what, Eric? Give him your watch, Tony.

Starting point is 01:34:58 Two months in. You know? Feeling in the giving mood tonight. And even though the set was obviously two months and just barely okay. I absolutely loved your commitment to this interview, which has lasted 18 minutes. There's a funny guy in there somewhere, just like the guy from Denver. I don't remember his name either.

Starting point is 01:35:41 It was Mike Hammack. Mike Hammack, yes. Mike Hammack. Family Mike Hammack. Mike Hammack, yes. Family annihilator Mike Hammack, yes. He's been doing it 12 years. Sam watched him get better. I think there's some potential in there. People might look back on this one day, years from now, and be like,

Starting point is 01:35:58 holy shit, that was the start of Eric McLaughlin. Here's a big joke book. Go fill it up. Oh, he didn't catch it. Right off the front of the hand. Not a good sign, folks. That's how it starts, Eric. Congratulations. I really appreciate it. I love the show.

Starting point is 01:36:14 And thank you, everybody. Thank you, guys. Awesome. There he goes. Eric McLaughlin, ladies and gentlemen. God damn. We're having some fun here tonight. This is so much fun. It's unbelievable. It's unbelievable. Oh, wow, wow, wow. I'm ashamed he lasted 18 minutes with me, honestly.

Starting point is 01:36:33 What? I said I'm ashamed he lasted 18 minutes with me. I could have done so much better. It's amazing. It was fantastic. The hot, hilarious, smart Heidi. One more time for Heidi playing along. Great fucking sport.

Starting point is 01:36:54 Hey, Table 8 didn't pay their check. He dined and ditched and there's a weird white sticky substance on his seat. Did you bring him clam chowder? I don't remember you bringing him clam chowder. It's weird. It's also mixed with tears. All right. Ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket pool. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Shelly Peebles, everybody. Shelly Peebles.

Starting point is 01:37:20 -♪ Wow. I can't see shit. Which is good because this is a lot of people. I'm Shelly Peebles. I don't usually say my last name because people always get it fucking wrong. Or they say Pebbles or Peebles. I got made fun of a lot as a kid. I'm actually a dental hygienist. You know, I'm just starting out doing comedy, but I really love it. I also smoke a lot of weed, which I realize is an oxymoron.

Starting point is 01:37:54 I've been an oxymoron all my life. It's fine. I'm used to it. My parents were hippies. I grew up in Austin. My parents were hippies, but they didn't smoke weed. And I grew up in Texas. So, you hippies, but they didn't smoke weed. And I grew up in Texas. So think about that for a minute. How does a white woman in Texas smoke a lot of weed?

Starting point is 01:38:13 Well, I became a cannabis sommelier because I liked weed so much. So I just decided to take a deep dive into that. I also just discovered I have ADHD. I'm like the poster child for Gen X women in Texas. Yeah, I know. Menopause, hormones, all that bullshit. Yeah. I just started taking testosterone. I was told that if you... Okay, the bear has spoken. Welcome to another episode of Kill Therapy.

Starting point is 01:38:52 Oh! This is incredible. We learned so much about you. Dental hygienist, hippie, ADHD, menopause, on testosterone, not a single joke. Ah! You literally did the interview part the HD menopause on testosterone, not a single joke. Ah! You literally did the interview part of the show first,

Starting point is 01:39:10 which leaves us in a weird position here. Damn. It is incredible. Did you come here straight from work? I did, actually. Yeah, I believe it. You are dressed like a dental hygienist right now. If you didn't say you were a dental hygienist, I would say that you look like a dental hygienist. If you didn't say you were a dental hygienist,

Starting point is 01:39:25 I would say that you look like a dental hygienist. Are you asking if that's black? Plack. Oh yeah. What do you mean? I wear plaque. Oh no. Sometimes.

Starting point is 01:39:39 There's a label on the inside of your shirt, that inside lapel. Do you think Quincy's plaque? So, like, there's a label on the inside of your shirt. That inside lapel. Do you think Quincy's plaque? Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha.

Starting point is 01:39:53 Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Someone had to say something funny, you know?

Starting point is 01:40:01 Yeah. It is incredible. More like hot chocolate. What happened here tonight, Shelly? So how long have you been trying stand-up comedy? Off and on for like six months. Off and on for six months. How often do you try?

Starting point is 01:40:17 As often as I can, but I also have a full-time job and two kids. Okay. Two kids. One in three. you live in Colorado? I bet your kids are in their teens. They are. Yes. Yes, because I'm in menopause.

Starting point is 01:40:33 All right. We'll go with that, yes. I assume you started early because you have the lion of Judah tattooed on your arm. Which one? The lion of Judah, yeah. The lion on your arm. My daughter drew that. Your daughter drew it? Well, she's gifted.

Starting point is 01:40:48 Amazing. At least someone in the family's got talent. Now, let's... I don't want to be nasty. I'm sorry. Stand-up's hard. It is. It is really hard, especially when you're going through menopause. Uh, which you've mentioned multiple times so far. It's basically your getter done.

Starting point is 01:41:13 Uh... If a joke doesn't work, I'm gonna start trying that. If a joke ever fails for me, if I ever try one, it just goes, I'm going through menopause. But the crazy thing is that'll work for me. That'll actually get a laugh. It might, it might. But it won't for you.

Starting point is 01:41:32 Damn. So let's talk about it, Shelly. You are in the eye of the storm, a show that's famous for being a big boom and burst and help for people that do good and it's rough on people that have a rough set and you're in it right now. How does that make you feel? You seem like you have a lot of emotions, you seem like you're medicated, are you on a lot of medicine? No, I wish I was. You just

Starting point is 01:42:00 smoked pot. I smoked a lot of pot. And then whatever nitrous you can get out of the tank, right? Actually, I had a dentist that did that. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Can you get us pills? No. It's nice meeting you.

Starting point is 01:42:16 What do you do for your ADHD? Well, I actually just started taking Adderall. There you go. So you are on some medicine after all. Uh, just today I took my first dose. Really? Do you have them on you? No. Two for ten?

Starting point is 01:42:37 Hey, I have two shots of vodka and a water, uh... Uh... Okay. Whoa, that date went through menopause at the table. So, Shelly, let's talk about it. Uh, you mentioned menopause more than anything else. How long you been going through that for? What's that like?

Starting point is 01:42:54 Ten years. Ten years. Wow. Knock it off. It started early. Ah! Oh, Jesus Christ Almighty. Shh. Oh, my goodness. This is why, Jesus Christ almighty. Shh. Oh my goodness.

Starting point is 01:43:06 This is why I smoke a lot of weed. Yeah. And I have an ex-husband, so. OK. You guys get along? No. No. Why not?

Starting point is 01:43:13 What's he like? Because he's a dick. Yeah? Yeah. How is he a dick? Well, he's very abusive. Oh, Jesus Christ. Boy.

Starting point is 01:43:23 Let's mine this vein, Tony. Yeah. This is so Christ. Boy, let's mine this vein, Tony. Yeah. Changing direction. Who's ready to laugh? Yeah. Interview. Jesus. What ethnicity... What ethnicity is your ex-husband? He's white. Oh, okay.

Starting point is 01:43:55 There you go. There you go. Okay. There you go. All right. You learned something. White like a... All right.

Starting point is 01:44:03 Quincy's looking at me like, don't do it, do it. Stop, stop it. The door's open. What? The door's open. The door is open. I'm not on the apps, but. You're not on the apps.

Starting point is 01:44:16 When's the last time you've been on a date? Oh, it's been a while. Okay. Last week. Is Eric still here? Do we have Eric or a? Eric probably hung himself. Yeah, Eric's, Eric while. OK. Last week. Is Eric still here? Do we have Eric or a? Eric probably hung himself. Yeah, Eric's long gone.

Starting point is 01:44:29 We should have taken his shoelaces before he left the stage. That's OK. Very good. Red band. It's a Red Band Heavy episode. I love it. In the zone tonight.

Starting point is 01:44:44 So amazing. This interview is like pulling teeth if I only had a dental hygienist to help me. Would you like me to pull some teeth of yours? No, and neither would I ever want to fill your cavity. Um... Uh...

Starting point is 01:45:00 So tell us, Shelly, what do you think's funny about you? Like, uh, what do you think's funny about you? Like what are some moments in life where you've been funny? And you're like, I should do standup. It's just a long road of different journeys and then it's led me to here. I love it.

Starting point is 01:45:22 No, this is exciting. It is an extremely hard thing to do. I'm trying to figure out here. I used to sing in the choir at church. You did? Okay, why don't we try them? No. What?

Starting point is 01:45:40 Was that the stone cold music? Oh my goodness. Stone cold, but enough about her vagina. I thought that menopause made you very warm and wet. Well, no. It's actually quite the opposite. Oh my goodness. What's drier, your pussy or your sense of humor?

Starting point is 01:46:07 Uh... Hmm, that's a toss-up. It's a toss-up. That's funny. See, that's funny, Shelly. There you go. She said she sang in choir. Okay, so let's... Why don't we try this? You know, you have more experience, obviously, at choir. A one, a two, a one, two, three, four.

Starting point is 01:46:26 Yeah, I'm sorry, no. Shelly, you're gonna sing here tonight. Oh, God. You didn't wanna do, you didn't get any jokes, and we're gonna at least try to hit a note here tonight. I can't even think of a song to sing right now. Dee's, you know, black shit.

Starting point is 01:46:49 Uh, what's a church song? I don't even... Amazing Grace. It wasn't a gospel choir, was it? No. Oh, never mind. It was like... It was like church music, but, like, pop.

Starting point is 01:47:03 Okay, how about a poppy version of Amazing Grace? And here we go. Where's my music? One, two, three, four. ["Amazing Grace"] I don't know if that's Amazing Grace music. There's like about to be like an Adele moment right now. Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound

Starting point is 01:47:30 That saved her heart from me Okay, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. Oh my God, Jesus Christ. My God, you made my pussy go dry. And I have a famously wet pussy. Unbelievable. It's like she's allergic to microphones. It is incredible.

Starting point is 01:47:53 What do you sing it like karaoke? What do you... Nothing. Oh, hit me with your best shot. Okay. That's my A. Alright. Hit me with your best shot!

Starting point is 01:48:05 Oh my, okay, stop, stop, stop. Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. Oh my God. The windows are breaking on Sixth Street right now. This is incredible. Quincy, can you save her? Is this why your husband hit you? Oh. Oh. Oh.

Starting point is 01:48:26 Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Starting point is 01:48:34 Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Red band.

Starting point is 01:48:42 What is wrong with you? Is it why your husband hit you? This fucking bitch sings like shit. She's laughing, people. I can already feel the heat from this one. I can tell she's laughing, you fucking... It's called a hot flash, okay, motherfuckers? I love it. I love it. There's a little fire in there, Shelly Peebles.

Starting point is 01:49:11 Well, I am in Aries. Uh-oh. Look out. Wait, you're into astrology? No way! Who saw that one coming? Your whole set was crap-a-corn. That's about where my knowledge is. Oh, my goodness. Shelly, we tried, we tried.

Starting point is 01:49:38 Look, this isn't easy. You're six months in. Yeah. You're already funnier than Amy Schumer. Um... I'll be... You're six months in. Yeah. You're already funnier than Amy Schumer. Um. I'll be. I'll be. Woo.

Starting point is 01:49:49 You're leaving here with a little joke, but can you catch? Grr. Very good. There we go. Shelly Peebles, ladies and gentlemen. There she goes. We're going to keep it moving along. You guys still having fun out there?

Starting point is 01:50:03 Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! We're doing it. Ladies and gentlemen, as you can see tonight, anything can happen. Make some noise for your next comedian, Eddie Lursa. Eddie Lursa is next on Kill Tony. Lursa is next on Killtony. Thank you.

Starting point is 01:50:25 I dated this girl who didn't believe in dinosaurs once, because they're not in the Bible. But neither is Planet Mercury, and it was still the reason she was acting like a bitch all the time, apparently. all the time, apparently. And I grew up a Christian. I'm not a Christian anymore, but this was my first time being exposed to one of these religiously special needs types. I didn't realize Christianity was a part of the spectrum.

Starting point is 01:51:04 I thought I was an atheist now. Turns out I'm just not retarded. And... No, shouldn't call Christian people retarded. Because retarded people love dinosaurs, dude. Yeah! Yeah! I got two buddies with autism to identify as triceratops right now. And the point of this is if you're dating one of these religiously handicapped people, they're probably not going to let you fuck them if you have a dinosaur kink while you

Starting point is 01:51:40 watch Jurassic Park. But she did restore my faith in one aspect. What was it? What did did restore my faith in one aspect. What was it? What did she restore your faith in? I do believe in the burning bush again, because that bitch gave me chlamydia, dog. Oh, shit. All right. Thank you.

Starting point is 01:51:55 Eddie Larsa. And we're back, people. Yeah. Just like that. Yes. It is amazing. So welcome, Eddie. Thank you. Is this your first time on the show?

Starting point is 01:52:08 Second time. I got pulled on a turbo round one time. OK. So it was quick. That was that crazy episode where we found Aaron Belial at the end? No, it was the last pop-up episode. I think it was before you went to LA for the forum.

Starting point is 01:52:21 With the regulars. Yeah, yeah, it was a regulars episode. Perfect. How did that go? Was that good too? Yeah, it was fun. Awesome to LA for the forum. With the regulars. Yeah, yeah, it was a regulars episode. Perfect. How did that go? Was that good too? Yeah, it was fun. Awesome. So welcome back.

Starting point is 01:52:29 Tell us more about you that we didn't learn the last time you were on the show. The last time we talked about me growing up in a group home for a minute, my mom is a professional jazz and blues singer. I've been out here for almost a year, a year and two weeks. It'll be a year and two weeks. Yeah. So it's been a year. It year in two weeks. It'll be a year in two weeks. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:52:46 So it's been a year. It's been a year. It's been a year. It'll be a year in three weeks, a week after that. It'll be a year. I love it out here. Austin's great. What do you love about Austin?

Starting point is 01:52:58 I mean, I love the comedy scene for sure. I don't do a whole lot else anymore with my time right now. Um, I... people, I work in a bar down the street, and they always ask me what there is to do. I'm like, huh, I can tell you where all the clubs are. I... I don't drink anymore. I've been sober for a year and a half now. You have sober face. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:53:19 You look like you're fucking clinging to the trees of a forest fire in your mind. Like, anything could send you back into that well whiskey, man. No, no, tequila, the well tequila. Okay, mine was funny, but we could... Do you climb rocks? No, no, I used to, I mean, I used to do, I've moved all over the country.

Starting point is 01:53:43 I used to snowboard, and I've lived do, I've moved all over the country. I used to snowboard and I've lived in Keystone, Colorado for a couple years. Oh, yes. I was in California for a year, Florida, North Carolina. I moved here from Florida. You were trying to run away from that group home, huh? Normally I would just burn my life down and be like, all right, we're done here now, we'll go somewhere else.

Starting point is 01:54:00 OK. What do you do for work? Oh, yeah, you were at a bar down the street. Yeah, we're going to bar on Rainey Street. Do you see a lot of crazy stuff there? More crazy stuff when I'm just out here. Did you say on Rainey Street? Yeah, Rainey Street. What's your thoughts about the Rainey Street ripper?

Starting point is 01:54:14 I don't know if I believe in him, to be honest. So you're with the police on this one? No, I'm just... You think it's just a wild array of accidents? Yeah, maybe some suicides. I'm not really... I don't know. He's been doing it a long time. a wild array of accidents? Yeah, maybe some suicides. I'm not really, I don't know. He's been doing it a long time.

Starting point is 01:54:27 I feel like it's- How would you know that? I'm on Rainy Street a lot. Huh, and you're just a drifter who wandered into town and then murders started happening? Yeah, yeah, I was like, there's a lot of gay guys here. Let me take care of them. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:54:43 You don't need booze when you have blood. Yeah, that's... I, there was a serial killer in San Diego Let me take care of that. Yeah. You don't need booze when you have blood. Yeah. There was a serial killer in San Diego that killed homeless people when I lived out there. That was something I thought could be brought here. True hero. What a coincidence. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:55:02 You smile. That makes it better. Okay. What a coincidence. Smile, that makes it better. Yes. Yes. Okay. How do you... Yeah.

Starting point is 01:55:12 So what else should we know about you? There must be something else interesting that we didn't find out last time you were on this show. I mean, I was a vicious drug addict and alcoholic for 16 years. Vicious? Vicious. I don't... Once I get drunk, I don't care what the drug is, just set it down and let me have

Starting point is 01:55:27 it. He said he lived in Key Bump, Colorado for a while. Oh yeah. It was, it was Key Bumps too. I got, I got sick one time from doing cocaine in Colorado. What kind of sick? Like a real chest thing. I couldn't move for days.

Starting point is 01:55:40 My dad was like, it'll be fine. I was like, okay, I think I'm dying right now. But otherwise. The only cure is murdering a homosexual. Yeah, that's why I had to come here. I had to get over it. So a lot of guys, when they get sober from that type of wild life, their addiction turns into something else.

Starting point is 01:55:59 Are you like a sex addict or something like that? No, I actually haven't. This is the longest dry spell ever. I haven't had sex or been on a date in a year now. A little over a year. You ever hung out with a sand pussy dental hygienist before? That sounds like a slur. These fucking sand pussies out there.

Starting point is 01:56:24 I was in Afghanistan killed about 35 sandpussies. I just have horrible taste in women, so I think part of me is like maybe I'll just leave them like the, it's a fun story. My last serious girlfriend broke my face in six places with her new boyfriend. Wow. And stalked me for two years afterwards. Her boyfriend was the one who stalked me the most. I never really understood that.

Starting point is 01:56:52 Didn't make much sense. That is a fun story. Yeah, so how did that happen? Did he jump you? And why did you say that she broke your face in six places? Well, because it was her foot was the last one I saw hit my head. Shit. Yeah, she was like, you can't tell people that we jumped you.

Starting point is 01:57:10 It was only four of us. I was like, I think that's, is it five of her jumping? Like, I don't know. I saw eight feet. I saw eight feet. But yeah, she was a drug addict, a former drug addict. And then we were together for a year. She started dating this other guy

Starting point is 01:57:29 who, after we broke up, who was feeding her drugs. And me and him just didn't see eye to eye. And one night, he uh. It's quite the crew of people that we get up here. Yeah, and then I was staying away from him. They got me fired from my job. And then I got drunk enough to be mad. And I went and met him in a dark parking lot

Starting point is 01:57:49 at, like, 2 in the morning. It was a horrible idea. Dark, like, Quincy dark? Or... I wish I had a Quincy cam so that you guys could see the looks I'm getting over here. On that one, he was looking at the comedian then looked at me like...

Starting point is 01:58:07 Unbelievable. I love it. Why'd you meet him in a dark parking lot? It was like three in the morning and there were no streetlights. I just remember seeing four people get out of the car and I was like, oh no, I've made a terrible mistake. Yeah, that's how D Madness feels all the time.

Starting point is 01:58:29 The world is a dark, the world is a dark parking lot. Down, down, down, down, down. All right. So then you saw these people get out with your drugged up ex, and you're like, let's hear him out. I mean, I was like, well, there's no turning back now. And yeah, then they, he hit me good. I'll give it to them.

Starting point is 01:58:46 He hit me good. And then as soon as I could get up, I ran away. Would you say he hit you with his best shot? His best? He hit your amazing face. Yeah, if I touch right here, I can still feel it in my tooth because I have permanent nerve damage.

Starting point is 01:59:00 Was it a broken orbital bone? It was like multiple face fractures here and here. My nose was turned this way. Deviated septum. Oh, I kind of see it now that you mention that. And fuck your eye up a little, I see. I didn't think so, but. Red band.

Starting point is 01:59:17 Red band. New insecurity activated. You're used to men kicking you while you're down. Yeah. No. I used to get drunk and just, I'd black out. When I was living in Colorado, I'd black out and I'd wake up with new bruises.

Starting point is 01:59:33 And I'd have to hit up my friends and be like, did I get in a fight last night? They'd be like, oh yeah, you got your ass kicked again. I was like, all right, cool. Amazing. You got a big joke book last time you were on the show? I did. Great.

Starting point is 01:59:43 Then this is for Quincy. There you go. There he goes. Eddie Lursa, ladies and gentlemen. There he goes. And it's that time. I mean, you were here for an absolute bonkers episode of Kill Tony. And on a night like this, on an episode like this,

Starting point is 02:00:03 I think there's only one way to put a ribbon on it. Oh, really? Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the reigning record holder, all-time appearances, all-time interviews, the Baron of Band-Aids, the Sultan of Salt, the Ginger of Geometry, The ginger of geometry. The connoisseur of carnivores.

Starting point is 02:00:33 The king of Kentucky. The strangler of Memphis. This is the vanilla gorilla. The big red machine. William Montgomery. -♪ Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Man, y'all know I love geometry!

Starting point is 02:00:59 Okay. Donald Trump claims that Haitian immigrants are devouring people's pets, and honestly, I feel like he got the wrong immigrants. I mean, if we got Hans Kim... If we asked Hans Kim if he knew anybody if he's going to domesticate animals, he would know.

Starting point is 02:01:17 Okay, I kind of messed that one up. Please help me, Sam. But seriously, if a Haitian immigrant wants to sacrifice a small animal, that's their religious freedom. Nobody is stopping you from murdering your unborn child, Red Man. But I do feel like we should step up border security and mandate that any Haitian immigrant attempting to cross into the U.S. should be forced to practice voodoo.

Starting point is 02:01:38 Because if they show up and they're saying, oh, Catholicism, hell no. What are you bringing to the table? You better be mixing up potions, stirring up bodies, directing zombies. That'd be like joining the CIA, and then first day on the job, you're like, first of all, I refuse to actively participate in any conspiracy to assassinate the president.

Starting point is 02:01:55 It's like, dog, what are you doing? Do you know what this job is? Okay. I got through it all kind of, Tony. It was beautiful, William. Oh, I got the red band. I got the dig on red band recently having an abortion. I was able to get that in there.

Starting point is 02:02:13 Ooh. This is breaking news. Is that why you shaved? Is that, like, you look like kind of a baby right now? Because you killed the baby inside of your woman? I love that you think that a 50-year-old guy could have babies, drinking and smoking and doing everything I do right now. That's nice of you. That's a compliment.

Starting point is 02:02:31 Oh, yeah, I forgot the men carry the babies. I forgot about that. You fucking idiot. What the hell are you talking about? That literally made no sense. Dumbass! I didn't even want to talk to your fucking ass tonight. What do you think? I think men carry the children?

Starting point is 02:02:45 Is that what you are... Red Band, you are having literally the best episode of your life until that point. Literally, Red Band was the breakout star of this episode. And then he claimed that he can't have babies. Like, he's a dental hygienist. Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha.

Starting point is 02:03:05 Ha ha ha ha. The old sand pussy over here. Oh my goodness. What a time to be alive. And Sam, I have a question for you. What did you get recently in Android? Because I've been texting you and the messages used to be, uh, used to be blue and now they're green.

Starting point is 02:03:25 Gross. What a nasty thing to say. What a wicked accusation. I've been calling you, I've been texting you. You don't respond any. You called me this morning at 9 a.m. like a true psychopath. Because you were up all night waiting for the birds to come back

Starting point is 02:03:40 or whatever the fuck you do. I needed you. I'm waiting for Wednesday, new season of Survivor. I cannot wait. I'm waiting for Wednesday. New season of Survivor. I cannot wait. I'm staying up until the new season of Survivor, Sam. Yeah. That's what I do every year. So, yeah, I was up and called you at 9 a.m. and somebody didn't respond.

Starting point is 02:03:56 What were you doing, sleeping? I respond... Yeah, I was. Because I had a big night. Cool. Okay. I was finished homeland. Help, Tony. Nilly boy McGumballs is back yet again. William, what's been going on this week with your life?

Starting point is 02:04:16 Nothing. I was in Raleigh, North Carolina. And thank God, Tony, I was able to do some of the yelling down in Raleigh, because I was so genuinely afraid, because my blood, my throat was bleeding after Mall of America. So I was very worried about Raleigh last week. Wasn't really. Yeah, literally, I got so self-conscious, Tony, because I see myself, I'm watching people in the audience,

Starting point is 02:04:34 and I'm also seeing all the spit constantly flying out of my mouth, and I got real self-conscious that it was actually blood flying out of my mouth, hitting the people. I don't think it was blood, but yes, I was tasting a bunch of blood in my mouth. Do you?

Starting point is 02:04:48 I'm not kidding, it really kind of scared me a little bit. I probably- Do you use like chewing tobacco or vapes or something? What do you do? No, I mean, I'm still doing Zen. I'm still doing that. You do a lot of it? Yeah, one's in my mouth right now.

Starting point is 02:05:02 Yeah. Normally it's not, but Tony, I'm on edge. He wasn't fucking... What milligrams are you on? This is six. I used to have two sixes in my mouth at all times. And then... Oh, wow.

Starting point is 02:05:13 The Florida Gators lost last year to Florida State and I wasn't feeling good. And I went and finally looked at my gums in the mirror and it was kind of a, it looked like a war zone a little bit. So I got it down to six milligrams, a single six a little bit. So I got it down to six milligrams, a single six milligram. Wow.

Starting point is 02:05:27 So, yeah, things are looking up. Heh heh. Zipper is open, ma'am. You have your thing up. I can see your pussy. Whoa. It's literally... Damn.

Starting point is 02:05:38 Did you tell your bitch to do that on purpose, sir? That was so weird. Wow. That's a true Sam Talon fan right there. I know, it's the same Talon shirt. He's got the Sam Talon shirt and the zipper down. That's a fuckin' party people. I'm sorry I missed your call, William.

Starting point is 02:05:54 I was asleep and then I texted you when I woke up. Okay, I know you did, thank you. Isn't that a nice thing for a friend to do? Yeah, thanks. Maybe I'll call you tomorrow. I would like that. Okay. Let's not do it before the sun rises, stupid. Okay. Maybe I'll call you tomorrow. I would like that. Okay.

Starting point is 02:06:05 Let's not do it before the sun rises, stupid. Okay. Thank you. I like how you really took away from the moment about your biggest fan having her zipper down. Oh, she's lovely. She's in my DMs all the time. So this is... I'm interested to know how many people are going have their zipper down in, uh... What if I give up part of Connecticut?

Starting point is 02:06:27 You know, let's just write off Bridgeport. Uh, I'm hoping we can cancel the shows, so, you know, come to San Diego or Tampa. SamTalent.com. With two L's. Yeah. Give me a follow. I love it. No, it's true. Please do. And subscribe to the show.

Starting point is 02:06:46 We don't say that enough. We've been told by people. How's your family, William? Going good. They're very, they're doing good. Good. How's Sally? Yeah, there was a little cancer scare though with my mother, so thank God she...

Starting point is 02:07:03 She was so ugly cancer was scared of her I wish that was the case no a lump on her liver how Selden luckily she doesn't have cancer well you were nasty to me so I'm firing back I'm sorry I wasn't that nasty to you it was it was very personal okay I shouldn't have brought it up I'm trying to be a better friend to people. I'm sorry. Sorry your mom's lousy with cancer. It's probably your fault if you think about it. Yeah. Is this true, William?

Starting point is 02:07:41 Yeah. It's my fault. It's all my fault. She got fucking liver cancer, and now I'm gonna have to deal with that for the rest. You a degree, Red Band? No, I don't. Last time I checked, it seemed completely fine. Ooh. You checked her for cancer?

Starting point is 02:07:59 No, I checked her liver. Ha ha ha. Dude, shut up, dumbass. Don't come at me like that. Don't come at me like that. I get it. You're actually kind of funny tonight. It doesn't normally happen.

Starting point is 02:08:11 He really is. I don't know. You're like, bold. What is going on? What? Are you have vitamins in your vape pen or something? What's going on tonight? Are you on alpha brain?

Starting point is 02:08:20 Did you put a little alpha brain in your morning ice cream today? Your morning ice cream. Had morning ice cream. We ran out of milk for the coffee. It is incredible. William look at this guy. Wait which one? Look at this guy right here with the face. Yeah. He looks weird. He's kind of strange. What nationality are you, sir?

Starting point is 02:08:49 Are you Native American or what is your nationality? Mixed white. Different types of white. We just used to call that white when I was a child. Mixed white. Different types of white. He's from Connecticut? Oh, my God, you can't make it up, folks.

Starting point is 02:09:09 Imagine a whole audience filled with people that look like that with their zippers down in Bridgeport, Connecticut. Guaranteed, even the Thursday will sell out after this. I believe in miracles, yes. There's not a person that lives within 45 minutes of Bridgeport that's gonna be able to miss that show. Well yeah, but they're probably nodding off on drugs, so.

Starting point is 02:09:34 William, you're doing quite well on the road. Everywhere I go, people say we had William. He was great, he was a joy to work with. Yeah, it's been fun. Thank God people have been generally laughing. It would be bad. I'd probably have to stop doing it if people stop laughing. So we'll see. Right this second, they're still laughing.

Starting point is 02:09:47 So we'll see how long that can happen. I give it maybe a couple years. I think I got probably another couple good years in me. So we'll see. So come to see me, because it's not gonna be long until I really just stop doing it, so... You're thinking about retiring. No, he's gonna have to stop and take care of his mom.

Starting point is 02:10:04 Oh! Is this true? stop and take care of his mom Is this true I'll take care of true oh My goodness, you're gonna stop and take care of your mom I might have to she's only getting older and I'm only getting older and it's like I don't know you got to go back You got to move back to Memphis. You got to help your mom. You're thinking about within the next two years Stopping you're gonna stop. Yes, really taking it out of me. You're gonna throw it. I thought you were never gonna stop. Oh my god. Oh my god. I was about to have a cue card for the first time in this show's history. You ain't never gonna stop. But I didn't have to do it. One more time in the show's history, I was about to go, you ain't never gonna stop.

Starting point is 02:10:46 But I didn't have to do it. One more time for the great and powerful William Montgomery, ladies and gentlemen. He's done it again. Go see him on tour. Squarespace, Talkspace, Game Time, Shopify, ZipRecruiter. How loud can this place get for one of my favorite chemistry mixes, one of my favorite comedians, Sam Talek.

Starting point is 02:11:06 Welcome back. Welcome. The drawing from Ryan J. E. Belt is in. It's literally cool as fuck. Oh my God. Yeah. We're going to have to get you a frame print of that. That's one of the all time fucking greats right there.

Starting point is 02:11:19 How about one more time for the best damn band in the land, huh? Groove Line Horns. Follow the Kill Tony Band on Instagram. Michael Gonzalez, Fernando Castillo, Carlos Sosa, Raul Vallejo, D Madness, John B's, Matt Mueling. A lot of fun stuff coming up. A lot of fun announcements. A lot of big stuff happening in our little universe.

Starting point is 02:11:44 Red Band, anything you want to say? Yeah, check out the success strip atx.com. Love you! Hey, how about an extra big hand for a hot episode tonight? Brian Red Band, everybody. Unbelievable. You would have thought he worked in the comedy business if this was the first episode you saw tonight.

Starting point is 02:12:08 Sam, anything you want to say? Subscribe to my YouTube and I'm so grateful to be part of the Killtoning, uh, thank you. Thank you. We love you all. God bless America. Thank you. Good night. I'm gonna go to the bathroom. Thanks for watching! you

KILL TONY - #685 - SAM TALLENT

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