KILL TONY - #688 - RUSSELL PETERS + SAM TRIPOLI

Starting point is 00:00:00 Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Death Squad.tv and now on Spotify and Apple Podcasts. If you want to check out Tony Hinchcliffe's website, go to TonyHinchcliffe.com. Everything Golden Pony, including his tour dates, at TonyHinchcliffe.com. If you want to check out the Sunset Strip or get some Death Squad merch, go to DeathSquad.tv. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Starting point is 00:00:33 ["Kill Tony Theme Song"] Hey, this is Redman Company Live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Elsker! Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? I said who is ready for the best fucking Monday night of their lives? Make some noise for Red Band, ladies and gentlemen. We are here. This is indeed the number one live podcast in the world, Kill Tony, brought to you by Squarespace, Game Time, Hymns, Talkspace, and ZipRecruiter.

Starting point is 00:01:39 Make some fucking noise, people. You did it. You're here, live at the mothership. How about one more time for the best damn band in all the fucking land. That is indeed the Kill Tony band. Little Groovline horns over there. Carlos Sosa. Fernando Castillo. And of course, the great, the powerful, how could I possibly fucking forget, Raúl Vallejo, ladies and gentlemen. And Michael Gonzalez.

Starting point is 00:02:13 Cárnequesa Dia. Matt Muehling on the electric guitar, ladies and gentlemen. John Dease on the keys. And this is indeed D Madness on the electric guitar, ladies and gentlemen, John Dease on the keys, and this is indeed D Madness on the bass guitar. Still Brian Redban. My goodness. Unbelievable.

Starting point is 00:02:35 Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to SunsetStripATX.com for tickets. Are you guys ready to start tonight's episode! Ladies and gentlemen, two of the greatest guests ever graced the stages of Kill Tony. These are guys that were with us

Starting point is 00:03:10 early on in the belly room and then in the main room and then here and then there and everywhere in between. Two comedy store legends, two of the greatest touring comedians of our entire fucking last two decades in the industry. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for two of our favorites. The great Russell Peters and Sam Tripple! The great Russell Peters and Sam Tripple! of our entire fucking last two decades in the industry. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise

Starting point is 00:03:25 for two of our favorites, the great Russell Peters and Sam Tripp, ladies. Oh shit. Here we fucking go. The boys are back. Trips. Peters. It's happening, baby.

Starting point is 00:03:53 Tripoli and Russell Peters. Ayy! I figured why not have a brown invasion on October 7th? That's right. Very fitting. We won't be the only ones bombing. Yeah, it's true. There's already another brown bomber over there. The old boo guy. Hey, boo, boo, shit, man.

Starting point is 00:04:10 I fucked up when I said that, I guess. I didn't even think he was gonna hear it, dude. Uh, make some noise for my guests. They're here. Russell Peters Tour starts in Chicago. Tickets at russelpeters.com, samTripley.com for Sam's Tour everybody. Sammy the Trip. Two of my favorites, two guys that know a lot about the art form. You guys have been on before, you know how it works. 226 signups tonight are across the street at a little bar called Poor Choices,

Starting point is 00:04:42 hoping and praying that their name gets called out of this bucket. If it happens, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then, or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which interrupts their set. I've pre-pulled a name. It actually flew out of the bucket, so we're gonna go with that one.

Starting point is 00:05:00 And in the meantime, we're gonna start the show with a little stand-up comedy from a legend on the... How many of you are fans of the show? How many of you are here because you heard it was a hip cool thing to do? Alright, fuck that person over there little fucking piece of shit. Well this guy is a legend in the history of the show. I mean, what can I say? Four years ago, he was sleeping in his van addicted to open mics. He is one of the true living, thriving members

Starting point is 00:05:32 of the Kiltoni Hall of Fame. Ladies and gentlemen, sing it if you know the words. This is Hans Kemp. ["Hans Kemp's Open Mic"] Thank you guys. Good to be here. I'm pretty good at the Tokyo Drift, obviously. I've been working on my Texas Drift. That's where I get distracted by my phone,

Starting point is 00:05:55 and my car goes in the other lane. Israel is fighting Palestine. I think they're on season three. When do the dragons come out, huh? Throwing a midget or something. I can't wait to find out how to strap a flashlight to a Roomba, because then it's over for you, hoes. All these fucking feminists say

Starting point is 00:06:28 that we have to be attracted to fat women now. Why, so they can accuse us of rape, too? Nowadays, it's considered rude if you don't rape a fat chick. You gotta rape them. Yeah, thank you so much. Hanzu Gima. He does it yet again, ladies and gentlemen.

Starting point is 00:06:55 One of the all-time greats from the show, flexing a new minute. I love it. Well written, rock solid. Look at your big happy Asian face. You're adorable. Thank you, Tony. I, you know at your big happy Asian face. You're adorable. Thank you, Tony. I, you know, I have a long face.

Starting point is 00:07:08 I feel like father, like son. I feel like we... I'm like the Asian Tony. Wow. Incredible, I'm pretty sure. He's your father. His last name is probably son. Ha ha ha ha. That is incredible that I don't believe

Starting point is 00:07:24 I've been insulted more by what was meant to be a compliment. You said that I'm kind of Asian and long-faced all at once there. My sweet, sweet boy. You are indeed my Asian son. Sam Shepley, what do you think of this young book? Powerful one-minute, brother. Powerful.

Starting point is 00:07:42 Open up with Asian, close with rape. That's some good shit. That's a powerful minute, brother. Powerful. Open up with Asian, close with rape. That's some good shit. That's a powerful minute right there. Sounds like the 70s. Hans, you look fantastic tonight. What's going on? I got another one of these shirts with no collar. Ah.

Starting point is 00:08:00 I, you know, got a compliment on one, so I bought, like, five in different colors. Wow. Now, fashion is just another thing. You can itemize it and just get it over with. Wow. Don't think about it. Oh my goodness. Absolutely amazing.

Starting point is 00:08:15 What's the point with the no collar thing? I don't really get it. It's a look. It's priesty. It's creepy. Yeah. I just feel like collars are so your dad's generation. And the kids nowadays, we just... You know, we don't believe in collars, man. Yeah. It's very enter the dragon-ish, I gotta be honest with you.

Starting point is 00:08:35 Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. Or enter the BTS, whatever. But great rape joke, though, Doc. Oh, yeah, right. What is the fattest girl you've ever been with, Hans Kim? If you had to guess the weight of the biggest girl, and what did it take to get you there? What kind of night did you have to have to end up? Let's first, first give me the weight.

Starting point is 00:09:01 Weight? Probably 300. Oh yeah. Yeah baby, and the episode has truly begun. I don't know if you heard that noise, that's the sound of a Kill Tony show really starting. And here we go. We got something to work with. 300 pounds of fucking...

Starting point is 00:09:19 Is it a white girl, Hans? Yes. Oh yeah. White and... Whatever you gotta do to get that green card, pal. I say, uh... So, how do you end up with a 300-pound white girl? Hans, tell us, what did you drink?

Starting point is 00:09:35 Started at lunch with a little sake. And gravy. She was a Tinder date. It was my 20s. I really was not picky. I had a whole decade where I really fucked anything and I fucked like three people. Were you doing her nails? It was a whole decade where I didn't do anything. I fucked like three people.

Starting point is 00:10:06 That's amazing. Yeah, it was really weird. No one wanted to fuck me for... till like, till you made it popular. Yeah. That's true. That is true. Comes in Hans and her sizes.

Starting point is 00:10:21 Even Rick Diaz is getting laid now. It's incredible. I've been able to do the unthinkable. Jared Nathan is eating a girl's pussy right now as we speak. Just b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b- Anything else crazy? I'm having a great time on tour every weekend. I still have my beautiful girlfriend. She is not cheating on me. Uh... She is... Ha ha ha.

Starting point is 00:10:52 You gotta believe, Hans. You gotta believe. Ha ha ha. I mean, even if she is, I get access to her whenever I want, so... That sounds like love right there. Ha ha ha. What do you think she's gonna say when she hears you say that there was 10 years where you would have fucked anything and you had sex three times, one of them being a chick

Starting point is 00:11:16 300 pounds. So your batting average was 0.333 with 300 pound girls for a decade. She now knows that about you, that you're that easy and have such low expectations. How do you think? Oh, she's calling in the girl from a decade ago. We have her on the line. She is, oh, she's calling now.

Starting point is 00:11:37 She heard her first. Red Band's so good at sound effects that the phone ring happens after the pig noises, ladies and gentlemen There is it's almost like Tarantino ask the timelines with his soundboards You think you would think he does it on purpose like a creative genius Is there anything you want to say to the girl she is on the line I don't know if you hear that. Oh, there she is calling now again. No, she's calling with an old cell phone now.

Starting point is 00:12:06 But first... Thank you so much. I needed that. Oh, she's grateful. She thanks you. She loves watching you work. I do believe she said. Okay. Um, great stuff, Hans. Anything else? I love you guys. I have a new gun. I have an ankle holster, so...

Starting point is 00:12:24 Oh, wow. Just have a new gun. I have an ankle holster, so... Oh, wow. Just watch out for that. There he goes. That was Hans Kim. That was Hans Kim. That was Hans Kim. That was Hans Kim. Yeah! All right, your first fucking poll of the night. I don't know if you guys know how this fucking shit works, but this is where we meet everybody. Anything could happen. Could be somebody's first time.

Starting point is 00:12:47 Could be someone that's here trying to make it that's been working at this for two decades straight. Anything can happen now. The whole thing's improvised. This is 60 seconds uninterrupted from Mark Pugh. Straight out of the bucket. We're gonna meet them all together and then I'm gonna interview them.

Starting point is 00:13:03 Mark Pugh. All right, all together, and then I'm gonna interview them. Mark Pugh. All right, all right, let's wrap this shit up. Hey white people, how y'all doing? All right, fuck y'all. I just moved to Austin to do stand-up comedy. I'm gonna move back, I don't like none of this shit y'all got going out here. This shit weird as hell.

Starting point is 00:13:20 Like, you know, they say, oh, keep Austin weird. We can stop, y'all don't need to get weird. No more. Fuck it. I just, yeah, y'all liberal. I'm cool with liberal shit, but all the fucking restaurants want to save the trees and shit so they toilet tissue hard as fuck.

Starting point is 00:13:33 So when I wipe my ass, I'm like, bitches, that blood, I think I'm on my period. I don't like... I'm from Louisiana, and all the white girls got big booties in Louisiana. I came out here, no booties. I'm lying, I seen one white girl on 6th Street last week. She had a fat ass, but I didn't wanna say nothing to her

Starting point is 00:13:51 cause her head was, she was bald headed. And I didn't wanna say nothing, but she looked so good from behind. So I was like, I'ma say something. So I walked up to her and I tapped her on the shoulder. I was like, excuse me, ma'am, can I have a moment of your time? And she turned around.

Starting point is 00:14:04 I was like, nigga,, ma'am, can I have a moment of your time? And she turned around, I was like, nigga, that's Joe Rogan. I'm done. Thank you. Mark Pugh. What's happening? Hi Mark, you're funny. Thank you, I appreciate it.

Starting point is 00:14:21 So the only girl that you've seen with an ass was Joe Rogan? Yeah, I'm ready to go home. I mean, in all fairness, Joe does have a pretty fantastic ass. He squats daily when he's a gentleman. Ah, fuck! There it is, we have him on the,

Starting point is 00:14:35 I'm sure the phone's gonna ring any second after. Welcome, Mark. Okey dokey, thank you. How long you been doing standup? I'd say about eight years. Eight years, all of it there in Louisiana? Yeah, most of it, yeah, Mark. Okie dokie, thank you. How long you been on stand up? I'd say about eight years. Eight years, all of it there in Louisiana? Yeah, most of it, yeah. Okay, what part of Louisiana? Shreveport.

Starting point is 00:14:52 You love it there, huh? Yeah. Absolutely. I'm going back tonight. Are you really? Are you being serious? I'm moving, I'm moving. Unless somebody in here wanna give me a job,

Starting point is 00:15:02 I'm going the fuck home. Okay, we're gonna get you a job. Just relax. It's very easy. Thank you. It's very easy. We got you. We got you covered.

Starting point is 00:15:11 What are you good at? What do you do for work? What have you done in the past? Let me guess, you worked at some cell phone kiosks or something like that. No, nigga, no, no. That's his people shit. My...

Starting point is 00:15:21 We... We... No, no. We're, uh... We're very picky about who we employ. Yeah, it is, yeah. Yeah, yeah. We know who we can trust. Yeah. It's fucked up.

Starting point is 00:15:30 See, I'm going home. I don't like none of this. I'm uncomfortable. They're not like this in Shreveport, Louisiana? No, no. What are they like in Shreveport? Niggas. Wow.

Starting point is 00:15:38 I'll tell you where I'm scratching off my feet. I'm scratching off my feet. I'm scratching off my feet. I'm scratching off my feet. I'm scratching off my feet. I'm scratching off my feet. I'm scratching off my feet. I'm scratching off my feet. I'm scratching off my feet. I'm scratching off my feet. I'm scratching. They're not like this in Shreveport, Louisiana? No, no. What are they like in Shreveport? Niggas.

Starting point is 00:15:46 Well, I'll tell you where I'm scratching off my tour. You should come, you should come. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I can't travel without my wallet and I don't want to bring my wallet, or else there will be no wallet. I'll end up stuck in Shreveport, because without an ID, you can't get on an airplane nowadays

Starting point is 00:16:11 because of these people, am I right? Stop it. Those were the other ones. No, it wasn't. All right. So, Mark, what have you been doing with work? What were you doing? People get you a job immediately. This is Austin, Texas, the center of a booming economy. I eat pussy real good.

Starting point is 00:16:28 Okey-dokey. Have fun in Shreveport. We don't need you out here eating our pussies. My bad, guys. We got enough of you pussy eating goddamn fucking Louisianaans. I think Hans Kim knows a chick you can talk to. Um.

Starting point is 00:16:44 Oh. I don't think you want to eat that. It's probably your type by the descriptions You know what I mean? I think Hans Kim knows a chick you could talk to. Um... Oh! It's probably your type by the descriptions that we got from her, too. Are black people eating ass? Are you eating ass? Good point. Yeah, yeah. You eat ass? Yeah, that's how I got my first kid. Wait, you've been... In her ass?

Starting point is 00:17:00 You got your first kid eating ass? Yeah, yeah. I think you were eating it wrong. No. Yeah. You right, because I got ass? Yeah, yeah. I think you were eating it wrong. No. Yeah. You right, because I got to pay for the kid now, so yeah. Oh, shit. You only have one kid?

Starting point is 00:17:12 Yeah, just one. OK. That you know of? See, stop. All right. We know I'm black. You ain't got to do that. That's... What the fuck is he doing? All right. We know I'm black, you ain't gotta do that.

Starting point is 00:17:25 That's... What the fuck is he doing? What the fuck is he doing? What the fuck is he doing? What the fuck is he doing? What the fuck is he doing? Black people, black people. Black people, black people.

Starting point is 00:17:37 I don't think I'm getting a job now. How old's the kid? She'll be two in April. April. Okay, how often do you get to see her? I'm actually going back next week. I'm gonna spend three weeks out there. Not much, because me and my baby mom,

Starting point is 00:17:51 we kind of got arranged when we both do comedy, but she allowed me to come out here and follow my dreams. Because I was trying to get out here before, and you know, fucked around the eight of ass, and then I got a kid, came too fast. So yeah, yeah. Are you gonna tell her you hit on Joe Rogan? Is she gonna be okay with that?

Starting point is 00:18:05 That's not how the story went. How long has she been doing comedy? Maybe, I wanna say three years. And you again, how long you been doing it? Eight. And you're how old? 32. Okay, fuck yeah man.

Starting point is 00:18:19 You're doing it, incredible. So what have you done for work in the past? In the past, I've served tables. I do graphic design. I'm an artist. I draw stuff like that. Do you draw anywhere other than on this side of buildings at night?

Starting point is 00:18:35 I'm really not that good at spray paint. I'm just, I'm good with pens and pencils and shit. I heard served and I thought this was going a different way to be honest with you. I don't have no drugs you can buy. Stop. Mark, what's it like on the being raised in the mean streets of Shreveport? Like what's some stuff that you've dealt with or gotten away from or had to go through? Uh, shit. There's a lot of shit I can't talk about. I just say that I've dodged prison and being murdered.

Starting point is 00:19:04 So that's an accomplishment. That's why you like kids. All right, I don't know what that mean, but. Ring, ring. Oh, there's someone calling in. It's the soundboard. Yeah. All right.

Starting point is 00:19:17 All right. I love it. So you've been to jail? No, I've dodged it. You dodged it. You dodged that and you dodged murder. For sure. Yeah, yeah. Amazing. Your own murder? Yes. Okay, good. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:19:28 Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well, that's good. I tried suicide once. Aw. How'd you try to do that? Uh, I tried to fuck a fat bitch. Pfft.

Starting point is 00:19:41 So what you're saying is Hans Kim's a survivor? Yeah. That nigga's Beyonce, yeah. Yes. Amazing stuff. What do you do for fun, Mark? Comedy. Other than that, shit.

Starting point is 00:19:59 Like I said, I draw. I do a lot of creative stuff, so I like to, you know. That's pretty much it. I'm born as hell. Any other special skills or talents other than stand up? You ever do any? I do a lot of creative stuff, so I like to, you know. That's pretty much it. I'm born as hell. Any other special skills or talents other than stand up? You ever do? Yeah, but I don't want to say rap and then y'all make me rap.

Starting point is 00:20:12 No, I don't want to. Is rap one of the things? Yeah, it is. Well, let me tell you something. I know a little bit about Louisiana rap because I was a young buck when the No Limit soldiers were a thing. For sure. And you know what I'm talking about? Yeah, yeah. I was a young buck when the No Limit soldiers were a thing. You know what I'm talking about?

Starting point is 00:20:27 Yeah, yeah. So I mean, I have to hear something. So you tell Michael a beat and then you rap. One, two, one, two, three, four. I don't know no beats. That is a terrible beat. Can I get another beat? That's pretty cool.

Starting point is 00:20:43 Yeah, get another one. What do you want? Remakes of cool. Yeah, get another one. What do you want? Remix it. There we go. Alright, ladies and gentlemen, Mark Pugh. I can't get a little, speed it up a little bit. Little bit lighter, Michael, so we can hear him.

Starting point is 00:21:03 Yeah. Yeah, Yeah. Yeah. Why y'all keep adding shit to it? Wait, what? I'm going to try. I'm going to try. All right.

Starting point is 00:21:13 I just moved to the city. I really like sucking titties. Good. Wait, that's the rap? Jesus. I guess we're all rappers. Amazing. One of the greatest rap performances of the last decade, ladies and gentlemen.

Starting point is 00:21:44 Hey, give it up for One Bar Shakur. Where's P. Diddy when we need him? Yeah, yeah. Not here. Oh my goodness, gracious. That was almost impressive, Mark. Appreciate it. Amazing stuff.

Starting point is 00:22:01 Thank you so much. But you are a hell of a comedian and a very, very funny man. How long you in town for? This week I'm leaving on Saturday morning. What's the longest set you've ever done? Like two hours. There you go.

Starting point is 00:22:15 I'd love to have you on The Secret Show Thursday. Boom. And you got a big, cool, handmade joke book. Make some noise for Mark Pugh, ladies and gentlemen. That's good. You just got a gig out of it. That's good. You just got a gig out of it.

Starting point is 00:22:27 That's as good as it can go. Oh, it's the lovely Heidi, ladies and gentlemen. Heidi, can I get another one of these mamajamas, one of my drinks? Mmm, this podcast is sponsored by Talkspace. It can be challenging to find and meet with a therapist that's the right fit. Talkspace is so accessible from personalized treatment to meeting online from anywhere to the ability to text your therapist at any time. Plus therapy can be costly, but Talkspace is affordable and in network with most insurance

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Starting point is 00:26:41 Harvey Weinstein of sexually harassing me. But like, nobody would believe me. Harvey would look me up and down and be like, I'm sorry, sweetie. You're just not worth the legal trouble. But he's a bad man. And I would be required to give testimony. And I would talk about the terrible things he said to me in the hotel room. He said things like, what are you doing in here?

Starting point is 00:27:08 I asked you to leave 15 times. Don't take your socks off, your feet aren't sexy. No, I'm never gonna make you the star of Ant-Man Goes Trans. A lot of guys have been calling me mid lately. Talking about my appearance. At this point, I'm just grateful they're calling. Am I right, fellas? Thank you for calling.

Starting point is 00:27:43 Yes, Sarah Sloan, welcome, welcome. Very funny. How are you? I'm doing great. Thank you Tony. Awesome. How long have you been on standup? Two years now.

Starting point is 00:27:55 Two years? That's incredible. What did you do in between then and Wayne's World? What have you been doing this whole time? I love it. What do you do for work? I work at a medical school front desk. So I'm really just trying to find a husband that way.

Starting point is 00:28:13 A doctor husband. Just hoping some sick guy comes in like, this will work. Well, no, there's- Has your chlamydia cleared up yet? Yeah. Or? Amazing. Do you see, do you meet a lot of guys doing that?

Starting point is 00:28:27 No. They're, they're Asian, so they can't really see me. You're such a character. So rarely do we see the truly self-deprecating female comedian, right? You know what I mean? Like it's like they kind of dabble in it like, oh, my pussy's all slutty and beat up. But you're different. You're like a female Rick Diaz.

Starting point is 00:28:50 Like, oh man, I hope I survive the day. No one runs anything but this. I like this. So rare, such a rare bird. Have you always been like an awkward, silly, funny person? I really have, yeah. That's what everybody tells you, right? My mom especially.

Starting point is 00:29:06 How about your little brother where you stole that t-shirt from? You dress like, you always dress like you just got out of the medical office? Or a test? Honestly, yeah, yeah. It's amazing. So tell us, Sarah, what have you been doing with your life? You just started stand-up two years ago, what else have you been up to? Yeah, well I wanted to move out here. I moved from the East Texas area, Tyler, Texas. This summer I moved and so yeah, I had to get a job, I finished a degree, all that. What did you get your degree in? Masters of Business, but I don't know

Starting point is 00:29:42 anything about business. Great yeah. Great stuff. Yeah, super fun. Great job. Our college system working perfectly. It really is a joke, sadly, yeah. Amazing. So what do you do for fun, Sarah? You seem like the kind of girl that

Starting point is 00:29:56 likes to sit at a coffee shop all day and do nothing. You almost have me pegged. I usually am visiting my family at home and then going to church and stuff like that. Whoa, you go to actual church? Usually twice a week. Twice a week? Yeah.

Starting point is 00:30:12 Well, it ain't working. Um... Wow. Wow. My goodness. Do you go there just to get molested? No. No, no, Tony, she's not actually a boy. Um...

Starting point is 00:30:30 But with that confessional screen, she could be a good boss, right? You could fucking do a little impression. Hey, it's me, Billy. What kind of church is it? It's a non-denominational, so, like, woo, you know, like, uh, raise your hands in the air like you don't care. Really?

Starting point is 00:30:49 A lot of gay flags in that church, huh? Well, there is a lot, like, literally on one side of the stage there's paintings going on. The other side there's, like, waving the flags. What kind of flags? It's not, it's like a, it's like a, like a, it's not like an American flag. It's just like, you know, one of those like colored flags that you just, I don't even know how to describe it. I'm sorry. Like an urban comedy show. Just flag comedy shows.

Starting point is 00:31:15 Go crazy. Towels. Oh, praise Jesus. Woo woo woo woo woo. Jesus be trippin'. Nailed it. Well that was one set of footprints. It's because Jesus be trippin'. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha There's a lot of confidence over there. The remix of the sound effect, hallelujah. Um, so Sarah, um, have you ever tried being a lesbian?

Starting point is 00:31:51 It's the question that everybody in the room wants to ask. I, as the host, uh... I have to do it to you. The world wants to know. It's the same reason why everybody wonders why I'm not gay, but I'm fine. I'm not up here complaining like you. Have you ever tried it?

Starting point is 00:32:14 Have you ever thought about it? Do you want to kiss Tony? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. No. Take your shot. No. Nice. Lips or no lips, she's kissing.

Starting point is 00:32:26 Um... Party off, Garth. Party off. Uh... Boogies. Have you ever had a lesbian experience? Uh, no, I have not. My suitemate did ask me one time at a party. She was like, do you want to make out?

Starting point is 00:32:40 And I said, you really don't want to. And that was the most, that's the furthest I've ever gone. So why did you say you really don't want to make out and I said, you really don't want to. And that was the most, that's the furthest I've ever gone. So why did you say you really don't want to? Are you a bad kisser? Because I really didn't want to kiss a girl. Oh you really didn't? Yeah I don't. So you're like, you really don't want to.

Starting point is 00:32:53 I want a man and I want a man bad. Wow, when's the last time you were with a man? Look at me Tony. When's the last time you kissed a boy? Never had my first kiss, Tony. Nuh-uh, no way. What? That's not true.

Starting point is 00:33:11 Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Sam Trimble. Yes, this is where we send in Sam. I'll do it. Would you like to give Sam a kiss? I don't. No? Okay, no, stop the music, stop the music. Consent's a big deal here on this show. Stop the fucking music.

Starting point is 00:33:32 Okay, okay. This chick literally looks like a lawsuit. You're gonna, you're gonna. I took, I was there to make it, and they took advantage of me. Next thing you know, this Armenian guy had his tongue down my throat. I was squirting holy water out of my church pussy.

Starting point is 00:33:49 Oh, this guy's seen enough. I'm out of here, goddammit. You don't make fun of the Lord and Savior. This place is chaos. That's usually what men do with me. You're funny. She said that's usually what men do with her. They just like, I'm out of here. It's so weird that you've never had sex because you totally

Starting point is 00:34:10 have a I'm a teacher that fucks her student vibe you know totally. I see that. I do see that. Stay after class Michael. Oh there's the bell. And Michael's just like, no, I'm good. Amazing. It's not worth it. Is that really true? But, Sarah, you've had like a boyfriend or something, right? Like, other than fifth grade and whenever I was like lying to my parents and the furthest we went was holding hands under the cafeteria table,

Starting point is 00:34:38 like seriously, nothing. But how... Why? Perhaps the best timed air horn in this show's history. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure.

Starting point is 00:34:49 I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure.

Starting point is 00:34:57 I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'll tell you right now, I hope one of them's Dee Madness, because the other ones, they don't want to fuck with you.

Starting point is 00:35:05 No. Sometimes I crack myself up. I don't care if you guys are on board. The only kind of guy that would want me is a guy that can't see me. So yeah, Dee, if you're willing. I made that joke 28 seconds ago, but. You might be good. He's into personality. Oh.

Starting point is 00:35:29 Ha-ha-ha. No, he would touch her face. He'd be like, I just realized I got plans. Ha-ha-ha. Oh, I forgot. It's something I got to do, baby. I'm sorry.

Starting point is 00:35:43 Yeah, he's, like, touching the glass. What would be weird is if you hooked up with him, it would be your first time, and they say, once you go black, you never come back, but you never went anywhere, so you'd be good, right? Yeah, that's true. That's true. That's a good point. That's, once you go black, you never go back is also what D. Madness's eye doctor told him, so...

Starting point is 00:36:01 Unfortunately. Oh, shit. He's smiling. We're having fun back there. We're having fun, baby. Do you think it's the religion that makes you not and like have sex or what kind of porn do you like? Wow. Yeah. There you go. I don't watch porn.

Starting point is 00:36:16 Oh, okay. Why do you gotta start? Like I've watched like scenes from movies, but that's the furthest I've ever, yeah. Porn movies or regular movies? No, no, like regular movies. And if there's like a kissing scene, I'm like, oh, scenes from movies, but that's the furthest I've ever... Yeah. Porn-o movies or regular movies? No, no, like, regular movies, and if there's, like, a kissing scene, I'm like, oh, that's very attractive.

Starting point is 00:36:29 What's your type? If you could go on a date with any type of guy, what type of guy would it be? What does it look like to you? When you read... You do read, like, romance novels or something weird. You have a look like you have a stack by the bed with a fuckin'... with one of those fucking full handgun massage guns like fucking.

Starting point is 00:36:51 I would say probably like every time I see Ari Matty on the show I think he's very attractive. Oh yeah. Like he's very very attractive. He's looking for some green card. Relax, man. I think we found his way into America. This is one time where the green will not mean go for him. He'll be like I'm good. He's like back to Estonia I go. Sorry, had good time America, got to go now. Oopsie daisy, first flight out in the morning. Got to go. All right, I think you're absolutely hilarious, Sarah. Can I do one thing for you?

Starting point is 00:37:39 Oh my goodness gracious. Here it is, here's the big twist. Here comes a big twist, everybody. Um, I could do a horse impression, so I just wanted to like... Fuck yeah! Okay, okay. A horse impression? Absolutely I want to hear this horse impression.

Starting point is 00:37:55 There's no one less stable on this show than her. We're not, we're not going to say nay to that. Ah, that was a good one. Okay, ready? Ah! say nay to that. That was awesome! That was awesome! What the fuck was that? That was amazing. That was the most unbelievable thing I've ever seen. Oh my god. Well. Oh my god. Now you know what kind of cock she likes.

Starting point is 00:38:36 Holy shit. I have never seen so much pent up sexual energies in the impression of a horse before. You know how to like, you're like a little teapot. You're so worked up, you need dick down so badly that you are morphing into a whole different animal. She's gonna squirt hay everywhere. There's a movie called Mr. Hands.

Starting point is 00:39:05 You should check that out. Oh, Sam. Yes, you should. Leave me alone, dude. Jesus. Yes, yes, yes. Sam, you crossed the line. Just a classic. Okay.

Starting point is 00:39:22 Sarah, you got a big joke book. That horse impression, something else. Do you have any other impressions? Kamala Harris, same thing. Oh, yeah. Oh, I like that. Political. Do you want to hear it or I can go? Yeah.

Starting point is 00:39:41 Okay. Okay. So I do it where she's talking about, like, she's describing the Ukrainian-Russian war, so she's like... Ukraine is a smaller country. And Russia is a bigger, more powerful country. So, Russia invades Ukraine, and that's wrong.

Starting point is 00:40:00 Do the horse one more time. Okay. Ah! That's the greatest thing ever. You live here in Austin now? I moved late June. You moved in late June. You know what we're going to do? I'm going to do something special right now. My friend,

Starting point is 00:40:30 at the H-E-B Center on New Year's Eve, at some point during the show, I'm bringing you out only exclusively to do an impression of a horse. Ladies and gentlemen, you just watched a woman who I don't think has ever been fucked correctly in her life

Starting point is 00:40:55 find out that she is doing something at an arena in her hometown on New Year's Eve. This is the comedy capital of the world. And you know, in this great country where there's so many great things and great opportunities for free speech, yes, that's what I was looking for, thank you. In this amazing country where some people have no, around the world there's a lot of people,

Starting point is 00:41:24 you never get a chance to do your horse impression. They don't allow that in a lot of places but goddamn you just saw a lonely woman get the opportunity of her life. How about one more time for Sarah Slung? Oh. You have a horse impression? Not like that. I'm not following that horse impression. Pfft. That's the Dave Chappelle of horse impressions.

Starting point is 00:41:55 I'm not going up after that. Show's over. Show's over. How was Gil Tony? Well, we got through two comedians, a chick did a horse impression, he retired. It's the end. All right, your next bucket poll goes by the name of

Starting point is 00:42:09 Dreya Lee. 60 seconds uninterrupted, and then an interview with Dreya Lee. Thank you. I'm Dreya Lee and I'll be your childless cat lady for the evening, which I suppose is a step up from crazy cat lady. And since so many people are having an issue with what the definition of lady is, and I don't want to be accused of any stolen valor, full disclosure, I have had a hysterectomy, which is for a tumor, not trans.

Starting point is 00:42:41 And on a man, I like things a little more au naturel down there. Foreskin, not hair. It's kind of like a reverse mullet. A little longer in the front and shorter in the back. Once I was dating a guy who, from a country I didn't know a lot about, so I did some research and found that 92% of the men were circumcised. So, cut to the first time we were fooling around and drunk me, blurting out, disappointed, like, Mm, Wikipedia said this would happen.

Starting point is 00:43:14 Thank you. Okay, Trane and Lee. Oh, my goodness. This is incredible. What a transition. Uh, you're like... We went from horse to horse. Yeah, absolutely incredible. You're like if Sarah Sloan ever got fingered as a growing girl.

Starting point is 00:43:36 That was like NPR. Yeah, it's incredible. I don't know... Penis reduction. I don't know what is going on here. It appears as though there's some type of liberal festival happening outside. People are just stumbling in here.

Starting point is 00:43:50 Drealeigh, welcome. How are you? I'm good, thanks. How are you? Good. How long have you been attempting stand-up comedy? It's my first time ever. First time ever! Really? All right.

Starting point is 00:44:02 I've never called a sex hotline before, but I'd imagine you have, like, the voice and the face to be that type of person. I will take that as a compliment. Yeah, like, when you say things at the very end, you kind of just, like, do a thing where it's like, you know, I like that and that and that. It's kind of, like, weirdly hot, and then I look at you,

Starting point is 00:44:26 and everything's okay afterwards. You completely calm down. Completely calm down. Seems like you should be all right. Okay. Dre, what do you do for a living? I used to do cat grooming, so I just used to shave pussy. Okay.

Starting point is 00:44:47 Okay, that's a funny twist on crazy-ass cat super lady. Yeah, and then... You're like the final boss of the video game Cat Lady. You're the cat lady the cat ladies take their cat to. Yeah. Holy shit. Yeah. Disgusting.

Starting point is 00:45:02 Keep going. Um, yeah. We've lost the room, ladies and gentlemen. The one thing they agree on is they are creeped out by cat rumors. What else? Um, yeah. And then it was COVID and I got really sick. With COVID or the...? They said no, but they diagnosed me with chronic fatigue system, which is syndrome,

Starting point is 00:45:22 which is just like they don't know what's wrong with you or how to fix it or anything. And where were you during COVID? Working like 70 hours at the cat's place slash a grocery store. What city? Calgary, Canada. Right, so this brings me to my point.

Starting point is 00:45:38 You know, it's funny, as a Canadian, I heard her say something, I go, she sounds Canadian, but then I'm like, we're in Austin, what do I know? Well, I heard chronic fatigue syndrome and I thought Canadian. That's where I thought of it because they forced you to get vaccinated multiple times.

Starting point is 00:45:53 It was pre-vaccine and I didn't know that I was a good child. I was like, shut up, just take the vaccine, wear your mask, get paid to stay home, stop complaining, you're ruining it for everybody. So wait, what? I didn't know that, like I just believed, you know, that the news is real and people were telling you the truth.

Starting point is 00:46:09 And yeah. Right. So how many times did you get vaccinated before you got, oh Jesus, three times? Three times? Oh wow, no wonder you needed it. Well, you had to get two. I also traveled during that time,

Starting point is 00:46:21 so I had to get them to leave the country. Yeah. And then you got chronic fatigue syndrome? No, before. It was before I ever got back to New York. So did you get COVID? They said no, but we couldn't get tested. I actually ended up paying for a test later that they shipped to America for the later

Starting point is 00:46:37 tests and they still came back. So explain to us how fatigued is chronic fatigue syndrome? I could barely stand for 15 minutes. In in bed, written for almost two years. Holy shit. It was super effective. So when you're having sex, you just knock out at some point? Yeah. So what did you do? What was your life like?

Starting point is 00:46:58 I, the hospital, I was fainting all the time. It was all sorts of different other things. And the hospital was like, you have to stay here or go somewhere else. So they were like, I had to move back with my parents. Yeah. Where are you with it now? Mostly OK.

Starting point is 00:47:14 If I do a lot, you kind of feel it. Try not to do too much. Yeah. Yeah. That's incredible. So it just slowly is getting better, fading away? Yeah, I worked on it a lot, I feel, but yeah. How did you work on it?

Starting point is 00:47:28 Sunlight and exercise? I'm not trying to be funny. I'm literally guessing. Because it sounds like depression. Yes, no, it wasn't. I was, like, literally it was overnight. It was like one day completely fine, next day could barely even stand.

Starting point is 00:47:41 Like there was no, people were like, oh, you were run down, you're working so much. I'm like, no, it was not a run down. I literally was a different person the next day I could barely even stand. Like there was no, people were like, oh you were run down, you were working so much. I'm like no, it was not a run down, I literally was a different person the next day. But yeah. You think it was all the uncircumcised penises maybe? It was a... Was this Canadian healthcare that told you this?

Starting point is 00:47:54 They ever tried to get like real healthcare? No, that was Canadian. You son of a bitch, Brian. No, I joke that like chronic fatigue is, they don't know what's wrong with you and if you don't have pain, then that's what they give. If you have pain, you have fibromyalgia. Yeah. I am, believe it or not, signing with Red Band on this one. Canadian healthcare is crazy. Did they try to convince you to kill yourself?

Starting point is 00:48:19 No. I actually just found out because my dad actually passed away recently and his, I actually just found out because my dad actually passed away recently and his there's like made which is medical assistance and dying and if you sign up for it You have to sign up from the beginning so you can't change your mind in between so you could have something where it's like cancer But they don't know if you're gonna be okay or not and then It could be like yours, but if you sign up for the one you can't have the other so you can't even change your mind So if you yeah, I just found this is it assisted suicide. Yeah Canada Canada Canada has killed made thousands of people I do believe Just for the record Calgary Alberta, Toronto

Starting point is 00:48:58 No, it's a real thing Canadians help you kill yourself a long time it's wild I guess it's wild luckily. I'm been gone a long time. It's wild. I guess wild luckily I'm in a green room very often with Joe Rogan news is It's like real it's the actual news you can't really get it anywhere else maybe triple these Conspiracy they'll filth Twitter Sam. You must have a conspiracy about this. Yeah, it's not real. Oh, what do you mean? So is this your make-a-wish is this what this is your make-a-wish? No, I actually I just have a conspiracy about this. Yeah, it's not real. Oh. What do you mean? So is this your make-a-wish? Is this what this is, your make-a-wish?

Starting point is 00:49:28 No, I actually, I just started watching this, like, in the spring. It was, like, before he did the roast, so I wasn't that lame. But yeah, and then I got tickets to the early show, actually, tonight. And then we just went over across the street and signed up for tonight. So you took, like, a comic who is, like,

Starting point is 00:49:45 working really hard to go try to make it, and you're like, fuck it, I sleep a lot, I'll try fucking stand up. It's fine, yeah, still try to stand up, yeah, sit down laying down, yeah. So I'd be on my back, yeah. So you're Canadian here illegally taking American jobs, is that what you're doing?

Starting point is 00:50:00 Sam, Sam. I'm not getting paid for this. We have a lot of people in the room that are doing that already. You're white illegals. Everyone's going after this fucking Taliban-looking motherfucker over here when it's these guys taking the good jobs. I know, I have little sympathy when I'm at the border and they're asking me questions,

Starting point is 00:50:14 and I'm like at the airport, like, do you know what's happening on the other side of the border? Like, how dare you ask me how long I'm staying and where I'm staying. Do you have a problem opening your mouth fully? That's what I think. I think it's kind of, by the way, just a little update, a little fun fact in 2022 alone, there were 13,241 people assisted suicide in Canada,

Starting point is 00:50:41 accounting for 4.1% of all deaths. And that number went up 31.2% since 2021. And the numbers are not in for 2023 yet, but going off of a 30% growth of the year before, you can imagine about 16 or 17,000 people a year being killed in Canada by Canada. Just a little fun fact for you. They are literally killing themselves,

Starting point is 00:51:04 so all the praying helped America. Weird clap, by the way, weird clap. Good job. Tony, um, with the exchange rate, it's less. It's, uh... That's true. It equates to 212 American lives. That's what I'm getting at. One drink.

Starting point is 00:51:24 What do you think that number would be if the Maple Leafs actually won a fucking Stanley Cup? Do you think that number would go down? Maybe in Toronto, but... I love you. You're... Oh. I'm like, what's your... It's a very toothy blowjob.

Starting point is 00:51:40 Yeah. Oh. Dre, here's a little joke book.job. Yeah. Oh. Oh. Dreya, here's a little joke book. There you go. You got it. She can't catch that, but she sure can catch restless leg, whatever the fuck it is.

Starting point is 00:51:55 Yeah. Chronic fatigue syndrome. There she goes. Dreya, ladies and gentlemen. A strangely interesting lineup so far tonight. We're gonna cleanse our palate a little bit, ladies and gentlemen, from these ladies with glasses, white ladies with glasses.

Starting point is 00:52:13 And we're gonna switch it completely to one of the superstars of the show, ladies and gentlemen, one of the most powerful regulars in the history of the show. This is a brand-new minute from the one and only Cam Patterson. ["The Big Bang"] ["The Big Bang"]

Starting point is 00:52:29 ["The Big Bang"] ["The Big Bang"] ["The Big Bang"] ["The Big Bang"] ["The Big Bang"] ["The Big Bang"] ["The Big Bang"] Hell, yo.

Starting point is 00:52:37 I recently went to an art museum, and they shouldn't let me in places like that, because it was terrible. I don't know how to take in art. I was looking and I was like, that's just gay. I didn't have a good time. I didn't enjoy it. I saw a lot of titties. That was cool. I counted eight of them.

Starting point is 00:52:53 I touched three of them. They were close. They were hard as hell. It's weird to look at art from, like, from old white people. It's strange. I'm thinking to myself, why he got on a wig? He thinking, why is this nigga free, right? So they confused. I'm thinking to myself, why he got on the wig? He thinking, why is this nigga free, right? So they confused, I'm confused. We just lost at the same time.

Starting point is 00:53:10 It was a lot of dicks, too. That was, I didn't like that a lot. I didn't, that's why I don't enjoy the dick. Why would you let somebody scope you with a soap? That's crazy. And they were like posing and shit. Like you want to see my soap dick, go here and look at my soul.

Starting point is 00:53:25 I wouldn't take a picture of my dick on flaccid. I would never do that. Let alone let somebody chisel away at my dick with stone. I would kill somebody, dog. And my pubes and shit, I would fucking murder you, dog. You understand me? And people say, they was like, well, they enjoyed, like, having small dicks back then.

Starting point is 00:53:42 That mean you was real smart. And I'm gonna tell you something. I would have went to Harvard. All right. Oh. Ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha. Ha ha ha ha.

Starting point is 00:53:53 Another great minute from the great Cam Patterson, ladies and gentlemen. Fun stuff. You go to a lot of museums? Hell no. I was out. I did a Sam Tyler festival. And they were like, you got to see them. You got to see the art museum. It no, nigga. I did a Sam Taler festival and they were like, you gotta see the art museum, it's so dope.

Starting point is 00:54:08 And it was cool, it would have been better on mushrooms, but it was nice. Which festival was it? Sam Taler said he did a festival in Arkansas. Yeah, that shit was crazy. It's in Arkansas where they started Walmart and shit. Yeah, Vic. Y'all ever been to Benneville?

Starting point is 00:54:24 You ever been to Benneville? You ever been to Benneville? No. Bro, I was mad, because the original Walmart was closed. They would, it's usually open, but it was closed. And I was upset, because I couldn't go there and steal, right? Right.

Starting point is 00:54:35 Because I want to go for the one that started it all. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, it's like storming the Capitol for a black person. Looting the first Walmart? I mean, that is just. They do that on the day after Thanksgiving. the capital for a black person. Looting the first Walmart? I mean, that is just... They do that on the day after Thanksgiving. They knew all the time, they were like,

Starting point is 00:54:53 close that shit down, that nigga on the way dawg. Close that shit the fuck down. What else about Arkansas? That must've been a while, that's different. Nah, it was cool, that was it though, the art museum and Walmart and shit. I seen a dude, I seen a dude over 24 years old riding a bike with a helmet. I thought he should have died.

Starting point is 00:55:10 I don't like that at all. Right. I think that's fucking stupid, dog. If you a grown man, you wearing a bike with a helmet, you should die. I think that's you should die. Were there like, were there a lot of black people in Arkansas or were you one of the exhibits at the museum? There's a black man over here ladies and gentlemen.

Starting point is 00:55:29 Well black people live in Arkansas. Black people in Arkansas. I just, I just know. Not in Ventureville, they don't let us do that, like that. But there's black people in Arkansas. I believe it, yeah they're called the Razorbacks. The football team. That was funny you piece of shit.

Starting point is 00:55:42 That was pretty hilarious. Texas took that like it was a racial slur. God damn, yeah, they are racial, man. I like that. That was good, man. Yeah. So you're a black guy with a little dick that does mushrooms? Well, let me tell you something.

Starting point is 00:56:00 First of all, I'm joking, number one. That's a joke. My dick is huge. I gotta say that, bro. I have to say that. Respect. Yeah, I have to say that. Yeah, my dick is huge as fuck. It's big. It's big as hell. Big as fuck. Stop looking at my dick, man. It's huge. She keep looking at it. It's huge.

Starting point is 00:56:21 Finna you ho, stop looking at it. It's huge. Look at, hey, camera, biggest fuck, American. It's like Stan, we got a big dick. Rumors are in that it is so small. Hey, let me tell you something. I'm getting word in my ear. Let me tell you something, let me tell you something. It's shit in your ear, nigga. Nothing in your ear, you're a liar, it's huge. I don't know what you said right there. Hey. Let me tell you something. It's in your ear, nigga. Not in your ear. You're a liar.

Starting point is 00:56:45 It's you. I don't know what you said right there. Hey, tell you something. How's everything else going, Cam? What else is shaking? Anything else crazy going on? Shit, nothing. Really just on the road a lot.

Starting point is 00:56:58 Just running around and shit. That's about it. You know what I'm saying? Yup. Yup. Love it. Russell, you've seen Cam before? I've not seen Cam before. I met him in the green room just now, but that's not it. Good job on your penis, Cam.

Starting point is 00:57:08 Thank you. Thank you. You know what? Thank you so much. Thank you. I'll just give you a pound if that's all right. I, uh, I didn't know what you was touching before that. I don't touch. No, this is the one I do. Okay. Whoa, he's a southpaw. See, he's a fucking lefty. That's odd.

Starting point is 00:57:22 Nah, I'm gonna tell you something. I'm gonna tell you something. I lie. This is the one I do on mute. Oh, shit. I'm a liar.y, that's odd. Nah, I'm telling you something. I lie, this is one of your music. Oh, shit. I'm a liar. Only this part of my hand feels dirty. Ha ha ha ha ha. My goodness. This is good, man.

Starting point is 00:57:36 Cam, you're an absolute superstar. We love you. Everybody loves you. He's a great Cam Patterson, ladies and gentlemen. We're going to keep it moving along. Everybody loves you. He's a great Cam Patterson, ladies and gentlemen. We're gonna keep it moving along. Hello, this podcast is sponsored by Squarespace.

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Starting point is 00:59:09 off your first purchase of a website or domain. Your next bucket poll has been on the show numerous times. Kind of a legend in kiltony folklore, a wild, wild character. Let's see if he's got a new minute. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the long awaited return of Swiggy. Swiggy is back.

Starting point is 00:59:33 Fucking Swiggy. Yeah, dude. Ha. Yeah, I work at like this barbecue restaurant and like I banged this like fat chick when I first started working there. But then like years later, she tried to like make fun of me and she was like the next morning when I woke up next to Swiggy he was all cuddled up next to me I'm like

Starting point is 00:59:52 yeah like why wouldn't I be you know like a big comfy pillow you fat fucking bitch like ah fuck out of here dude I'd be treating fat bitches a lot like menthol cigarettes like you know off like all your buddies smoke regular cigarettes you might go out and like buy a pack like menthol cigarettes. Like, you know how if like all your buddies smoke regular cigarettes, you might go out and like buy a pack of menthols that way, like, you know, like they don't wanna bum any off you. So I fuck fat bitches out, my friends don't wanna fuck them, you know? Like, huh, huh.

Starting point is 01:00:15 But as you can tell, like all my friends are white, like, wish I had black friends. I'd be like smoking the cigarettes I want, you know? Huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, I'm not smoking the cigarettes I want, you know? Huh. All right. Huh. All right. Huh. All right. I remember being in the car with, like, these two chicks once, and they were having, like,

Starting point is 01:00:32 their own conversation, and, like, one chick's going, like, oh, my God, this guy, he's a fucking weirdo. I swear to God, he probably jerks off to you. And the other chick's like, oh, my God, like, probably does jerk off to you. The whole time they're, like, having this conversation, I'm thinking, like, no, I've, like, jerked off to both of these bitches. I'm, like, oh my God, like, she probably does jerk off, too. The whole time they're like having this conversation, I'm thinking like, no, I've like jerked off to both of these bitches. I'm like hanging out with them. I'm probably the real creeper, dude.

Starting point is 01:00:51 Fucking Swiggy. Wow. Starts with a Swiggy, ends with a Swiggy. Wow. Swiggy, I can tell you, no one's ever gonna steal your material. Ha, ha, ha, ha. That is one of a kind stuff. Some real woman-hating stuff. I can tell you, no one's ever gonna steal your material. Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! That is one-of-a-kind stuff, some real woman-hating stuff.

Starting point is 01:01:09 Pfft. You know, hands really set the tone for fat chicks tonight. Yeah, I was thinking that. I'm like, this is a fat chick-heavy episode. Oh, speak of the devil, there goes a lesbian right here. Look at this big, meaty bitch. Swag! Holy shit.

Starting point is 01:01:23 Oh, jeez, Lois, you better get to that bathroom quick. Oh my goodness. That was like a glacier movie right there. Wow. I don't know which restroom that thing's using, but the toilet's about to go buh-bye. Oh my goodness. That shit's about to get.

Starting point is 01:01:37 You know what he's doing in the bathroom. I love how he tried to sneak through. That was at all possible. That fuck. Did somebody come out and hate Kool-Aid cuz he bolted here that toilet that toilet handles about to be jiggly cuz he's gonna break it back to Swiggy tell us what's been going I got to tell you Swiggy honestly even though it was fucking kind of diabolically evil I loved that minute the way you're delivering it you're kind of standingabolically evil. I loved that minute. The way you're delivering it,

Starting point is 01:02:06 you're kind of standing there in the pocket and doing your own thing. Like I said, talking about shit, no one's really covering, kind of self-deprecating, but also funny. Very good, it's smarter than the shit you used to talk about years ago. I remember you.

Starting point is 01:02:20 That's your best set, smarter? There you go, that's coming from Red Band, who hates you. Red Band hates you. Red Band hates you. Yeah. Red Band openly, aggressively dislikes you. What do you think? In the Swiggy part, you sound like a vacuum cleaner. He looks like a methed out Sam Trippley.

Starting point is 01:02:35 Yeah. He looks like a math. Which is a normal Sam Trippley. Yeah, he looks like a mathed up Sam Trippley. Yeah, yeah. Oh shit, Swiggy. All right. So what do you been up to, Swiggy? Tell us about it. I've been working a lot.

Starting point is 01:02:49 I got my own show going on a Swig Fest at Shakespeare. It's going to come to what we do like a wet T-shirt contest. All right. All right. What else? Other than comedy, what else? I work a lot like the Franklin's. That's not really my work. They told me not to mention my work. I'm like, ha ha ha. Perfect.

Starting point is 01:03:07 You nailed it, Swiggy. I've been banging Fat Tricks. Took a fisting class. I don't know. That was pretty well. You took a fisting class? Yeah. It was on like, FetLife.

Starting point is 01:03:14 I like signed up for it. It was like- It was on what? FetLife. It's like some like fetish like, uh, online. Okay. So you signed up for an online course on fisting? No, I was at her house.

Starting point is 01:03:25 Like, I went over and, like, she's bitches in, like, some poly-normous relationship. I, like, met her husband and shit. Like, I don't know, like, I don't know. How many people were at this class? That's what I was wondering. It was a one-on-one class. I was wondering, like, if I could, like, make friends in class.

Starting point is 01:03:37 Like, I was like, yeah! Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's a one-on-one class. Swiggy, I believe you went on a date, Swiggy. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. A fetish class. That's very good. Some chick wanted to get fisted. So wait a second.

Starting point is 01:03:50 Hold on. This is unbelievable. You are an interview fucking oil mine. I got to tell you, this is just like, there will be blood. And they have that one set up. And the kid's like on the roof. Everybody's chilling like, yeah, a little bit of oil is coming out of the

Starting point is 01:04:06 DOOF You just are a fucking geyser. Oh shit speaking of a geyser look at this fucking Hey quack my why'd you leave the scene out of this? Oh my goodness Oh my god Does that look like the chicks you fuck? Nah dude That is a menthol cigarette if I've ever seen one right there Yeah, does that look like the chicks you fuck? All cigarette if I've ever seen one right there

Starting point is 01:04:34 So Swiggy tell us more where were we just now? That's right. So you arrived at the fisting class shadow like it was like maybe like an hour like class I was told me like take notes. I'm not fucking taking what? hour like class and she told me like take notes and I was like I'm not fucking taking what like there's like a demo after I had to put like a glove on and show her like a recent STD test but like it's pretty crazy I don't know like she taught me like some shit though I didn't like the clitoris and like the fucking g-spot but there's apparently like an a-spot on the other side and like I was hitting that like she was in like the doggy position so I was hitting like the G spot with my pinky and then I was hitting like the A spot with my thumb. Wait if you go GAGGG I'm pretty sure it goes get over here. I was moving my other fingers just like the vaginal walls are like tight like

Starting point is 01:05:18 grass play around there so they can like feel the tendons and stuff. Oh I could talk to you all night long this year show's just about three hours longer, everybody. We're about to get a fisting class. Yeah, you look like both sides of Gaza right now. That's what you look like. Ha, ha, ha, edit. And we do not want to see you strip. All right.

Starting point is 01:05:40 Fucking Swiggy, you're in it. So this class ended with you fisting her? Yeah, it was like a fisting demo at the end. I had to put on like a glove and whatnot. What kind of glove? Like latex. Freddy Krueger? Nah, have you off?

Starting point is 01:05:55 Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Hell yeah. Did she make any noises when you were fisting? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Jesus. Jesus. Was that the noise that she made? If I find out this is the fucking horse chick from earlier,

Starting point is 01:06:13 you put a fist in her nose. Wait, that other girl had a hysterectomy. Wait a minute. It was a fisterectomy. Was she chronically fatigued after you did this? Yeah, she was like... Uh... He's fucking up, she was like, uh. He's fucking up, this wild bitch. Did it sound like this when you fist-sitted her?

Starting point is 01:06:36 That's Tom Siggurra after breaking his arm, ladies and gentlemen. Special noise. This show is great, dude. Fuck yeah. Tell us more about This show is great, dude. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha. Fuck yeah. Tell us more about SwigFist. Fest. Yeah, it is pretty lit.

Starting point is 01:06:49 I saw it. I feel like comics. Oh, I can tell you if you want to do it, there's going to be like a wet t-shirt contest. There's a hot dog stand. There's going to be like 15 comedians doing five-minute sets. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:06:58 How close am I? Yeah, I overbooked the last. I had like too many. Everyone was doing like short sets. But we had like the wet t-shirt going on. Now it's pretty cool. There it is. All right.

Starting point is 01:07:07 I was right, less hot dogs than I expected. Swiggy, what's your actual love life like? Is there a woman out there that you love or you're just out there? Not at the moment. I was in a relationship for seven years. That was a while ago. Lately, I've been banging a few different chicks.

Starting point is 01:07:26 I just banged some fat chick like the other night. When's the last time you talked to your mother? Ah, pretty recently. Oh, okay. She's been on the show before. Yeah. Yeah, I just got her to sign up. I thought it'd be funny. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:07:40 Yeah. Turns out she's like some old lady. Yeah. Yeah. Turns out she's like some old lady. I was like, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Ding, ding. Did she say your stand up was like, I got to fuck that guy? Yeah.

Starting point is 01:07:54 Yeah. She doesn't like it. She thinks it's a little vulgar. I don't know. A little. Yeah. But she like supports it, though. It's not her thing.

Starting point is 01:08:03 Mom's classy. Yeah. Yeah. You're like, mom, that really hurts supports it though. Just uh, sorry mom's classy. Yeah Mom that really hurts my a spot All right, well Swiggy what can I say you already have a big joke book, right? Yeah. Yeah Yeah, all right. Fuck it. I mean I already got another one cuz I already got one there goes Swiggy ladies and Hey, I felt fisted I'm gonna need another one, because I already got one. There goes Swiggy, ladies and gentlemen. Fucking Swiggy! Hey, I felt fisted. All right, your next bucket poll, ladies and gentlemen, is on the inside.

Starting point is 01:08:36 It represents one of you. It could be you. Maybe you had the courage to sign up. 60 seconds uninterrupted coming from the audience's very own Jacob Hatzenbuehler. Big pop from his table. They're proud of him. They are excited.

Starting point is 01:08:54 It's happening live. Their friend, Jacob Hatzenbuehler, has the opportunity of a lifetime. Right now, make some noise for Jacob. So, my dad is a drug addict. It can be interesting, but it can be fun. Usually watching him try to do the dishes, just fend it out, just can't even handle it. He's always burning food.

Starting point is 01:09:23 One of his favorite foods is rice-aroni. The slogan is the San Francisco treat. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Um, usually I'd come upstairs,

Starting point is 01:09:38 and I'd just see him against a counter, lit cigarette, big twisted tea, opening the pack of basketball cards that he got when my mom was sleeping. Trying to pull the LeBron James so he can finally get his life together. I oftentimes go to Whole Foods. I see a lot of hot women.

Starting point is 01:10:05 I'm just glad that they are finally eating. An adorable set. Jacob Hatsenbuehler, welcome Jacob. Thank you. Hell yeah. How long you been trying stand-up comedy? This is my first time. It's very first time.

Starting point is 01:10:23 Amazing. Jacob, very first time. Amazing. All right. Jacob, I love it. How old are you? I'm 26. 26. What you been doing with your life up to this point? Bunch of stuff. OK, well, you can start listing them off.

Starting point is 01:10:37 You're on the show live right now. We're from Montana, so we do a lot of skiing. There is no we. you're by yourself. Stop looking at them. I'm nervous as shit. Stop looking at this table of fucking Billy Goats over here, look at this shit. Just a mustache with a ball cap on over here.

Starting point is 01:10:55 That's his buddy. That looks like John Holmes from here. That's exactly my buddy right there. Just a human mustache. Look at that fucking guy. Jesus Christ. He just cut it this morning, he looks fabulous. I love it. So what do you do in Montana?

Starting point is 01:11:07 Kind of tractor you ride. The sweet sounds of Montana. It sounds exactly like that. What do you do for work? I package weed. Okay. All right. Weed packager. How long have you been doing that for?

Starting point is 01:11:27 About four years. Okay. What do you do for fun? Moonshine? Moonshinin'? A lot of skiing. Okay. I used to skate a lot.

Starting point is 01:11:37 Nothing super interesting. It's pretty boring over there. Do stuff like this. Where did you get that cool soprano shirt from? I just ordered it a few weeks ago. From where? It's pretty boring over there. Do stuff like this. Where'd you get that cool soprano shirt from? I just ordered it a few weeks ago. From where? They deserve a shout out if you can remember.

Starting point is 01:11:50 It's fantasy initiative on Instagram. Oh, okay. Less interesting than I thought. I was hoping it was sopranos based official merch, but I guess not. Okay. Jacob, what's interesting about you? Was this all true about your dad? Yeah.

Starting point is 01:12:05 He was burning food, doing dishes? Sounds like he was taking care of your ass. He was indeed. While doing drugs? Yes. We're talking about heroin? Yeah. Fentanyl?

Starting point is 01:12:16 Probably. But you know for sure heroin. Yeah. And he would nod out while making some Rasseroni. Yeah. And that basketball card thing's real? Oh yeah. All right.

Starting point is 01:12:28 Where's your dad at now? Back in Montana. Okay, he's chilling right now. Does he have any idea that you came here? Nope. Why not? Because he's doing heroin. When's the last time you talked to him?

Starting point is 01:12:43 I talked to him every now and then. Yeah? You live with him still? No. Does he usually stay up at about this time? Oh. Oh. Why don't we unlock your phone and see if we can't get this guy nodding out?

Starting point is 01:13:00 Sam, pass this down there. Unlock this gentleman's phone. What do you think? You think Dad's gonna take our call? He might, but I don't. Let's take a chance. We're gonna take a chance here, Jacob. I don't, I don't.

Starting point is 01:13:16 Oh, you have the phone. Don't throw four phones at once. Mustaches coming up with some wild ideas. I'll throw all of these. Come on, let's do it. Fucking creep is the word. Uncle Rico. I love it.

Starting point is 01:13:26 So what are your thoughts on what's about to happen here? You think your dad's gonna be disappointed if he finds out that you just talked about his heroin addiction on the biggest show in all of the industry? I don't think so. Perfect. But...

Starting point is 01:13:37 So which one is it? We just gonna unlock all of them and go for it here? How about a hand for the lovely Heidi, ladies and gentlemen? Whoo! All right, this is gonna take about an hour and a half of them and go for it here? How about a hand for the lovely Heidi ladies and gentlemen? All right this is gonna take about an hour and a half. We have... You just push it on... Yeah you gotta kind of... There you go. Yeah we're gonna figure this out here. How old's your dad? Early 50s? Does he still work?

Starting point is 01:14:06 Yeah. What does he do for a living? He's cleaning schools right now, I think. Cleaning? So he's a janitor. Yeah, he's a janitor. I love it. And you're packaging weed. All right. That is not the phone.

Starting point is 01:14:20 We are playing a little game of Chinese roulette, where you have to figure out which Apple iPhone is Jacob's. Now it's all Android with these guys. This guy does not want to call his dad. He said no to four phones already. We must be close now. No.

Starting point is 01:14:39 Let's keep opening phones before we repackage them. We could do that at any point. We are, we're gonna do. Yeah, yeah, no, sorry, sorry. All right, here we go. So Jacob, here's the plan. Here's what you're gonna do. You're gonna hit go on the phone call.

Starting point is 01:14:56 Oh, you have to turn it back on, okay. You're gonna hit full send phone call, right? You're gonna hit it to speaker phone, and you're gonna go all the way up with your side volume. Then you're gonna take the phone like this and you're gonna put the bottom of it like that. No, the bottom. The bottom. It's the bottom, Red Band. I love that you're in charge of sound on this show. Just relax. I got this, Red Band. No, no, no. When you're on, it's that. Sam also thinks the other senior correspondent.

Starting point is 01:15:27 I got your back, bro. I got your back. Also thinks. His dad doesn't. We got a red band. You ready to do this, Jacob? I am. What's his name, by the way?

Starting point is 01:15:36 My name, Jacob. Jacob Senior. This is absolutely beautiful. I'm the third. This is a segment we call, call a heroin addict. Very exciting stuff. The call is going into Jacob Hatson Bueller Sr. Here we go.

Starting point is 01:15:54 Right up to the bottom of it. Flat, like flat in the middle. Yep. Jacob. Jacob. Uh, Pee-ee-ee. Pee-ee-ee. Don't go out. Don't go out.

Starting point is 01:16:05 Don't go out. Don't go out. Don't go out. Don't go out. Don't go out. Don't go out. Don't go out. Don't go out.

Starting point is 01:16:13 Don't go out. Don't go out. Don't go out. Don't go out. Don't go out. Don't go out. Don't go out. Don't go out.

Starting point is 01:16:21 Don't go out. Don't go out. Don't go out. Don't go out. Don't go out. Don't go out. Don't go out. Don't go out. Wow. Did that say something about SoundCloud? I have no idea. Okay try again. What do you have your dad saying under? I got one more. He switches numbers all the time.

Starting point is 01:16:31 I have no idea. Welcome to Verizon Wireless. Oh, you're fucking. All right, Jacob. Well, that sucks. That's it. There you go, Jacob Hatzenberger. Here's a little, uh, here's a little keychain.

Starting point is 01:16:50 There you go. We tried. Sometimes it works out. Sometimes phones are shut off. It only took seven minutes for no phone call, no big deal. Who's paying attention?

Starting point is 01:17:05 You guys still having fun out there? Your next bucket poll, ladies and gentlemen, goes by the name of Brandon Michael. And here we go. A lot of these comedians have been here all day. Here's Brandon Michael. I'm gonna give you guys a little fair warning. I just took two baby aspirins,

Starting point is 01:17:23 so if I seem a little shaky up here I apologize in advance Fun fact about me. I can't really smoke weed no matter how hard I try two puffs in I immediately start feeling like Forest Whitaker's left eye Alcohol is even worse. I don't think I've had enough hardship to properly enjoy my alcohol But I think for me more it's the taste. The other day I had my first IPA, it was so dark I had to chase it down with a child support payment. So I can't wear plaid, I've noticed that, yeah. The other day I went on a work dinner to Benny Hanna.

Starting point is 01:17:59 They sat us at a table full of lesbians. At the end of the picture, or at the end of the dinner, we took a picture. I couldn't fucking find myself. That's my time, though. I appreciate you guys. Thank you. Holy shit. Brandon Michael, how are you, bud? Good. How are you, Tony? If I seem out of breath, I ran over here.

Starting point is 01:18:16 If I seem out of breath, I ran here. If I seem a little shaky, I took baby aspirin. If these jokes don't work, it's because my sense of humor's off. Accurate. You're like the excuse guy. What can I say? What can I say that I haven't said a thousand times before?

Starting point is 01:18:30 Tony, if you didn't like that line, it's because I had a Gatorade at lunch. Pfft. That's accurate. He's like a Jewie Redband. He's like... Get it together, cocksucker. That means a lot coming from Chris Christie.

Starting point is 01:18:45 I appreciate that. Thank you, sir. Wait, which one? Oh, no, my bad. I guess we're at the wrong guy. Who was that directed towards? I was just... Russell Peter? You called Russell Peter's Christie? Oh, shit. He's a Blue Jays fan, too. I revoked that statement. I apologize.

Starting point is 01:18:59 Oh, my goodness. Are you blind, too? I didn't see you turned at an angle. I'm not Bill Nye the looks-around-the-corner guy. I didn't know you turned at an angle. I'm not Bill Nye the looks around the corner guy. I didn't know. Crazy roast joke. You obese white politician, Russell. Fat American guy.

Starting point is 01:19:14 Good one, Tony. Means a lot coming from the powered forward for the Lakers. You're fucking wacky, dude. Oh, I apologize. OK. You do apologize. So you're Canadian. No I'm actually I was born in North Carolina raised in Chicago. North Carolina raised in Chicago is that where you live now? No now I live in right outside of Oklahoma

Starting point is 01:19:35 and Anna. Okay what are you doing there what do you do for work? Right now it's mainly been doing stand-up and just door dash here and there. Okay. Mostly door dash. You would be surprised. You would be surprised. I opened up for a Holtzman not too long ago. We're crawling. We're crawling. Apparently you opened up a Coca-Cola before the show.

Starting point is 01:19:55 What happened to that shirt? That's accurate. Is your shirt also your jizz rag at the same time? If I told you it wouldn't be a secret, that's the only downside, you know. You're a silly guy. How old are you? I just turned 27. 27.

Starting point is 01:20:09 What do you do for fun when you're not doing stand-up? So I'm a big sports guy. I'm in there. Anything from like NASCAR, football, soccer, baseball, hockey, I'm your guy. Wow. You're my guy? Oh yeah, 100%. When it comes to sports, yeah.

Starting point is 01:20:21 Oh my goodness. So you like athletics, but you don't actually do athletics. I was actually quite an athlete back in the day. What kind of athlete were you? Catcher? I was a quarterback. You would never know now I know. You were a quarterback?

Starting point is 01:20:33 Oh, I can throw a pee through a Cheerio. I think you might have been a quarterback. No question about it. You might have been a quarterback. I swear on my life, Tony. Wow. I promise you, you'll shit your pants. I promise you.

Starting point is 01:20:44 I'll shit my pants. You'll have a full diaper. You're so good at sports, I'll shit your pants. I promise you. I'll shit my pants. You'll have a full diaper. You're so good at sports, I'll shit my pants. What can I say? You said it, not me, Tony. What can I say? You're full of catchphrases. Oh, God. You could throw a pee through a cheerio. Oh, yeah, with one eye closed and my pinky behind my back.

Starting point is 01:21:01 I'm telling you. You have the spirit of a 98-year-old man. And the back pain, I promise you. Back in my day, I could throw a beat, throw a goddamn cheerio. A 26-year-old with a fucking grandpa trapped in your body. I'm getting there.

Starting point is 01:21:17 Holy shit. So you went from quarterback to quarter pounders. Real fucking... I wish I could disagree, I'm gonna be honest. I wish I could disagree with you you Tony, but I can't. I goddamn did. I stopped playing sports and I started eating a lot. But that doesn't mean that back in my day

Starting point is 01:21:33 I wasn't doing something special. I'll tell you right now and I'll say it again and I'll say it a thousand times before and then I'll tell you. And you'll see one day, you're gonna shit your pants when you see that I'm telling you the absolute truth and there's nothing about it that I wouldn't change for the world and if I did change it I change it back a thousand times over and if I did that

Starting point is 01:21:50 you wouldn't even know. You are out of control. You're good at everything except for the comedy part. You're everything except funny. Have you ever thought about running for political office? He's not thinking about running at all. I'm gonna go door to door. I'm gonna go door to door. I'm gonna dash from door to door. I'm gonna go from door to door to dashing the doors. For you, the people, what can I say? You're full of catchphrases.

Starting point is 01:22:16 What can I say? What can I say? What is your ethnicity? I'm just white, but, like, kind of a little heavy. A heavy white. Heavy what? A heavy white., but like kind of a little heavy. Heavy white. Heavy what? A heavy white.

Starting point is 01:22:28 I think that's what they call it. I read that somewhere. I tell you, I think I read it somewhere when I was looking at the periodicals on the dailies. What can I say that I haven't read a thousand times before, Tony? It's got a sports almanac in his back pocket. Oh yeah.

Starting point is 01:22:43 That's actually an erection. We'll cross that bridge later, I guess. We'll cross that bridge when there's a bridge to be burnt. That's actually the sound that I hear in my head after every single one of my lines. It's absolutely incredible, and you can't spell incredible without credible, and that's what I am, Tony. Touchdown! That's the bell from Jermaine Taylor Kelly, Pavlik round 11. Oh I know that. Mickey

Starting point is 01:23:11 Mantle, 1947. You're not that far off. That's what's embarrassing. Absolutely. So that's the part that's embarrassing. So's... So it is incredible. Russell, you've performed in the Middle East many, many times. Correct. And it is very dry out there. Have you ever seen anywhere drier? What's drier, there or the pussies in the room when this guy came on stage? Hey, you would be amazed.

Starting point is 01:23:44 You would be amazed, Tony. I'll tell you this. I'll tell you this right now. Tony, I know what you're thinking. Tony, no, no, no, Tony, no. I know what you're thinking right now. But let me tell you something. I could throw a pee-pee through a Cheerio.

Starting point is 01:23:55 I'll absolutely get laid with anyone, anytime, anything, and I'll tell you this. Once you go with me, you never go back to anything you eat. Do you have a catchphr you never go back to anything. Do you have a catchphrase for that? Not yet. You have any special, you have any special moves in the bedroom that you like to do?

Starting point is 01:24:13 We learned a lot about the G spot, the A spot, and this thing I've never heard of called the clitoris today. I have one called ouch, that's my fucking ankle. Okay, how does that go? Explain that to us. If I told you it wouldn't be a secret. You know what I'm saying? Don't, if I don't...

Starting point is 01:24:29 You're out of control. I could talk to you forever. This is unbelievable. I promise, man, I'm telling you. I am not a... Dude, I fucked up running here. You know how much... When's the last time I ran? People, let's be serious. You fucked what? I fucking killed my fucking lung, my kidney. You know what I'm saying?

Starting point is 01:24:47 I'm pretty sure I got osteoporosis running over here. How do you have osteoporosis? I'm telling you, I was high kneeing it. I'm telling you, I was trudging over here. You were running over here? That hurts me. That hurts me. That hurts me. I'm gonna be honest with you, you've hurt me.

Starting point is 01:25:02 This guy's an animal. Jesus. Out Wait the trees like a Keebler elf Jesus Christ this guy's a mad man guy. I'm telling you you are the funniest unfunny person This is a fucking Anomaly in the history of the show I is both extremely not funny and extremely fucking funny at the same time. You grab the biggest kid and make him do a 40-yard dash, and then say, you got 60 seconds. Tony, I was hanging on. Okay, I'm going to be honest with you.

Starting point is 01:25:35 I could have beat Rich Eisen running here. You know what I'm saying? I was trying, Tony. He's like a pager in Lebanon, you know? He's an ironic kind of bombing. Yeah, and he is going off right now. I revoke what I see. The Blue Jays fan. I'm fucking that's all me, Russell. I apologize. I am. I don't watch baseball at all. Oh, geez. Now I'm back to where I stood initially. I take it back. I stood by what I said.

Starting point is 01:25:58 And here we are. Here I am. You know what I'm saying? Back as the governor of New Jersey. Something. You were wearing a jean jacket. My mom wears jean jackets. I thought we had something. And now you lost me. You know what I'm saying? Back as the governor of New Jersey. I thought we had something. You were wearing a jean jacket. My mom wears jean jackets. I thought we had something. And now you lost me. You know what I'm saying? Tell you, Russell, I was going to be your best friend, but I changed my mind.

Starting point is 01:26:12 I was going to... I swear to God, I do with the Toronto Blue Jays what I do with a treadmill. I stand by it. I don't get on it. I don't get on it all the way, but I stand by it, and I stood by you. And now I don't stand by you anymore. Now I'm going out to get a protein shake. What can I say? It's the best part of the gym.

Starting point is 01:26:33 Sometimes I go there just for the protein shake, and then I leave. I don't really need to work out. The protein shake gives me energy. What am I gonna do? I'm gonna have some steps. I'm gonna get some steps in that guy. I've never had a 13-year-old'm gonna have some steps. I'm gonna get some steps in that thing. I've never had a 13-year-old boy play me so accurately.

Starting point is 01:26:47 I appreciate that. Actually, I'm pretty sure... Shots fired, shots fired. I'm pretty sure you have been played by a 13-year-old boy before. I don't think his cholesterol... Tony, are you calling me a predator? Because I am not and I never would be.

Starting point is 01:27:03 I don't do that. I've watched some games with some kids before. I thought I ought to kick a field goal a couple times. I used to do that too. If I ever lift my leg that high, Tony, I'm telling you. It'll be a fucking crazy day. What is your accent? None of the places that you've said

Starting point is 01:27:18 have given me this Boston sports radio. Tony, if I said it once, oh, it is a bit of Chicago. How long were you in Chicago for? I think like four or five years. Only four or five years? You learned a lot of stuff with all this wisdom? I had a kid tell his brother once, his mom's so fat, Thanos had to snap twice.

Starting point is 01:27:36 Those kids are crazy down there. You learn quick. Yeah, I'm telling you, Tony. I'm telling you, Tony. Tony, I'm telling you. I'm serious. You need to get T-shirts made. Tony, I'm telling you. Can. I'm telling you, Tony. Tony, I'm telling you. I'm serious. You need to get T-shirts made. I'm warning you.

Starting point is 01:27:46 Tony, I'm telling you. Can I just call you that? That should be your stage name. Brandon Michael is so boring. You should change it to Tony, I'm telling you. Oh, jeez. First name Tony, last name, I'm telling you. The king of non-sequiturs.

Starting point is 01:27:59 Yeah. Tony, I'm telling you, and I swear to God, and I wouldn't swear to God if he was here, but I swear to him right now in real life. I mean, the figure of speech, not the actual thing. I would never do that to the Lord and Savior Jesus. I'm not too religious. I'm not too religious. I do enjoy watching Passion of the Christ backwards, though.

Starting point is 01:28:16 Sometimes it's so nice to watch those Romans help Jesus get down from there. I'm not a fucking shithead, sir. Yeah! Yeah! It's gone! It's gone! It's gone! Finally. Not a fucking shithead. I keep looking back, he's not like...

Starting point is 01:28:39 So wait, how long have you been doing stand-up? Only about a year and a couple months. Where have you been doing it at? Mainly hyenas. That was like kind of my open mic club, yeah,? Only about a year and a couple months. Where have you been doing it at? Mainly hyenas. That was like kind of my open mic club, yeah, and I've kind of expanded a little bit. And that's where your base started off? I'd say you've expanded a little bit.

Starting point is 01:28:51 Oh, that's accurate. You and my doctor both, pal. But yeah. You and my doctor. You're a silly fucking goose, dude. But yeah, no, basically around here in Dallas. You're close with your father? No, he was kind of, you know, one of those.

Starting point is 01:29:07 I just, I couldn't do it. You ask him a question, it turns into a fucking speech. You know, we just, yeah. Your dad would go on long diet tribes? Yeah, I just, I couldn't do it. I'm honest. Tony, I'm an honest guy. I don't know what you want me to say, but I'm telling you, I'm an honest guy. I'll be honest with you forever.

Starting point is 01:29:24 I'll be your best friend. I'll teach you how to throw a fucking military missile right through a fucking carabiner. I don't have the hands for that. What? I feel like that would take a lot of, like, using needles and shit. That's not really me, Tony. I'm gonna be honest with you. What he's saying is he's not dainty. Yeah, thank you. Russell gets it.

Starting point is 01:29:43 He's al dente. Yeah, he's al dente. The day I'm dainty, you'll be Jewish. You know what I'm saying is he's not dainty. Yeah, thank you. Russell gets it. He's al dente. Yeah, he's al dente. I love it. The day I'm dainty, you'll be Jewish. You know what I'm saying? There's no way. I don't have any... Don't try to be funny, Brandon. I'm not...

Starting point is 01:29:53 Be you. There is no try. There is only do. I am not that guy. I promise you. I'm a shithead. See what I mean when you don't do it. It's unbelievable.

Starting point is 01:30:02 You don't even know how funny you are. Thank you. Words my father never told me. I appreciate you, sir. All right. He's to the 20. He's to the 25. 30, 30, 30, 30. All right, all right. Red band, Jesus.

Starting point is 01:30:18 Christ. Okay, stop. We're gonna get him out of here. Brandon, any parting words, any last thing that you wanna say? How do you feel this went? How do you- I'm gonna be honest, I kinda shit the bed early,

Starting point is 01:30:31 but I think you guys saw, I can tell a joke, and I'm not an asshole, so. You know what? You know what I always say, my friend? You know what I'm gonna say right now? Shitting the bed is one of the side effects of taking two baby aspirin before you come up here. Prescription strength.

Starting point is 01:30:45 Prescription strength. Wait, stop. How do you get prescription strength baby aspirin? Why are you saying that without a smile on your face? I'm telling you. Tony, I'm telling you. Tony, I'm telling you. What do you want me to say?

Starting point is 01:30:58 I had a headache. Someone had prescription strength baby aspirin. I'm high on fentanyl right now. Tony, there's no such thing as baby aspirin prescription strength. That's called aspirin. I'm high on fentanyl right now. There's no such thing as baby aspirin prescription strength. That's called aspirin. That's what they want you to think. Our senior aspirin correspondent Brian Redban here, the bionic man.

Starting point is 01:31:15 He's been looking for baby aspirin his whole goddamn life. Ah, shit. You are unbelievable. There's nothing I can do for you, but... No. Maybe we get him a box of Cheerios. Yeah, that's true. And so he can throw a fee through it.

Starting point is 01:31:30 What do you do for work again? I've really just been door dashed, and I work door guy at Hyenas sometimes too. But why Dallas? Why are you there? What do you mean? I'm not exactly in the financial infrastructure to pick a place and just go, ah, there.

Starting point is 01:31:44 You know what I'm saying? Okay. I'm a place and just go, ah, there. You know what I'm saying? Okay. I'm a Dallas guy, or roughly a Dallas guy. Why are you roughly a Dallas guy? Well, we originally moved here my senior year of football. Who's we? I moved with my mom and dad.

Starting point is 01:31:55 Right, your mom and dad. Around 2014, and then I've just kind of been here since. Okay, and you were a Friday Night Lights. Yeah, you could say that. One time we ran out of power, but we'll fucking, we'll brush that under the rug. You know what I'm saying? I gotta get you outta here, dude.

Starting point is 01:32:11 I give you a big joke book already? No, I appreciate it. You got it. You're just too silly of a goose. Fill that up, Brandon Michael. Brandon Michael, or as I'm gonna call him from now on, Tony Amtelanya. The Kill Tony debut of Tony, last name Omtalenye.

Starting point is 01:32:31 It's a wild show. Your next bucket pool goes by the name of Chase Moat. Here comes Chase Moat, everybody. All right. I've been thinking about sobriety lately. I think alcohol makes you dumb, but I think weed makes you autistic. I got a buddy that can identify any car,

Starting point is 01:32:55 make or model, every time we smoke weed. We'll be driving, I'll be like, oh shit, dude, is that a cop? He's like, no, that's a Toyota Scion. Oh shit dude, is that a cop? He's like, nah, that's a Toyota Scion. We drive and I'm like, oh shit dude, is that a cop? No, that's a Ford, they stopped using Fords in 06. We'll be smoking, I'll be like, oh shit dude, is that a cop? He's like, bro, you're in my living room.

Starting point is 01:33:23 Lately I've been on the Delta 8 thing, you know, the legal weed. You don't know what that is. It's like classic weed with a few things replaced, removed, or modified. You know, classic weed, a few things replaced, removed, or modified. It's like trans weed. I had a buddy that was like, is this real weed? I was like, that's transphobic. He was like, is this legal?

Starting point is 01:33:43 I was like, that's transphobic. He was like, is this legal? I was like, for now. All right, thank you. All right. Chase Moat has a super fan over here. This is absolutely incredible. How high are you, sir? Thanks.

Starting point is 01:34:02 You're fucking drunk, absolutely amazing. Hi, Chase, how are you? I'm doing good, Tony. Good, how long you been doing stand up? Going on four years. Where at? Alabama. All of it in Alabama? Yeah.

Starting point is 01:34:12 Have you been on the show before? I was on the show before, I don't like to talk about it. Okay. All right, what happened? I don't know, you called me the Birmingham bomber. Ah. I thought that had a lot of like 16th street Baptist church vibes and I thought that was All right, what happened? I don't know, you called me the Birmingham Bomber. Ah. I thought that had a lot of like 16th Street Baptist Church

Starting point is 01:34:29 vibes and I didn't like it. Okay, well, welcome back Birmingham Bomber. Thanks. Hey, if it sticks, I'll take it, all right. What do you do for work? Right now I drive for Amazon. Okay. Yeah, driving for Amazon.

Starting point is 01:34:44 Does your friend know what kind of car that is? It changes every day, dude. It's a trip. It's wild. Okay. Is it? I think so. Sometimes it's a Ford.

Starting point is 01:34:55 Sometimes it's a Sprinter. Sometimes it's a, you know. That's crazy. Well, the cops haven't, dude. Amazon just got on the Ford Rams. They have the widest cargo space. Okay. Y'all don't care. Chase what else in life you still live in Birmingham? No I'm here now I live here. How long have you been here? Like four months. Okay what's your living situation? I mean my wife bought a house I live with my wife my kid we

Starting point is 01:35:21 bought a manufactured home in a manufactured home community. What does that mean, manufactured home? It's like a trailer park without wheels. That's it. Store container, right? No, I mean, it's a trailer, but just they make it look nice. No wheels. No wheels.

Starting point is 01:35:43 They bring it in and then they just leave it on the cinder blocks. It's stuck there forever. You can move it. How can you, but it takes a lot of work. I think money, but yeah. I want to do the work, but it takes a lot of money. Right, absolutely. That would be the sound of it.

Starting point is 01:35:58 Yeah. So, how old's your kid? He will be four in January. And how long you been with your wife? Eight years, going on eight years. Eight years. What does she do for a living? Reverse mortgage loan processor.

Starting point is 01:36:12 So she's kind of the breadwinner in the family? Hell yeah, dude. My goodness gracious. Yeah, the pendulum is swung there making the money. Yeah, definitely. What ethnicity is she? She's a white. Okay. She's a white. He's from Alabama. Yeah, no. What ethnicity is she? She's a white. OK.

Starting point is 01:36:26 She's a white. He's from Alabama. Yeah, no, I know. I just wanted to see how he would say it, and it came out best case scenario. She's a white. She's either going to be white or related to him, one or the other.

Starting point is 01:36:38 I just love how it starts with an H down there in Alabama. She's haat. A white, a white. A whaat. A classical white. Whaat. Okay, and so she is the breadwinner. So you have to keep her very happy, right Chase? You have any tricks to that? Yeah, I got so many tricks, dude.

Starting point is 01:37:01 I got so many. Rattle them off for me. All right, rattle them off. I'm super kind to her. I got so many. Rattle them off for us. All right, rattle them off. I'm super kind to her. I listen to her. Gay, we have a gay man, ladies and gentlemen. All right. He has come out of the closet.

Starting point is 01:37:13 Look, I love monogamy. That's what I'm about, you know. Wow. He's a gay lying man, everybody. A gay liar. Pants are on fire cuz he's flaming. Yeah, it's got me hot. Okay, how else do you please her?

Starting point is 01:37:29 Do you have specific questions? Yep. Yep, keep going. Alright, you know, I talked about listening to her feelings. I'll initiate a lot. I'll initiate the dishwasher and sex. I'll initiate sex. If the roles were reversed, and you're reversing mortgaging, she's a dirty Amazon delivery driver, right?

Starting point is 01:37:59 Do you think you would be the same person? Do you think you'd be as nice? Do you think you'd be as giving? Or do you think you'd be like, bitch give me some food. Oh if I made all the money would I be nicer? Or would I be meaner? Well no, would you be exactly as nice as you are now? Would you be slightly, just ever so slightly less nice? Yeah probably. I mean I don't know what the... Perfect. Yeah, absolutely.

Starting point is 01:38:26 No, perfect. I just wanted to get that on record. No, you gotta watch your tongue if you're not making the money. I think women learn that, and now we gotta learn it. I just wanted, when your wife's watching this, I want her to be like, God damn it, what the fuck, Chase? No, my wife's mouthy as fuck, and I paid the bills. I didn't say that. I did not say that. I did not. What do you do about that? I go on the bills. I didn't say that. I did not say that. I did not. What do you do about that?

Starting point is 01:38:46 I go on the road. Yeah. Perfect answer. The Russell Peters Tour starts next week in Chicago. RussellPeters.com for tickets. Most interesting thing about you, Chase. Oh, I knew it was coming. Um, can I rattle him off? Sure, yeah.

Starting point is 01:39:07 You pick it. I won a high school drag show. Um, I... You were right about the gay. For the record, I called him gay nine minutes ago. The other heel just dropped. Not, it's not, drag isn't gay. It's just, uh, pretend.

Starting point is 01:39:23 I don't know. Pretend gay? Sure. Sure. No, it was in high school. My high school put on a drag show. Was it drag racing, or? No. They were like, the only way to have drag in schools

Starting point is 01:39:35 is if the kids do drag, I guess. I don't know. So the only way they can have dragons. I won. I won. Well, you're the best one. Yeah. How many you want to see him

Starting point is 01:39:45 reenact his drag show from, uh... Yeah. This is goddamn unbelievable. Okay. I'm just glad it's not in front of school children. Well, this was. All right. Freshman to seniors. Let me set the scene. I'm a sexy cop.

Starting point is 01:40:01 Dad's a police officer. The vice principal just read off. I like to beat guys with my naughty nightstick all those things so I walk up to the mic two words boys spread them oh my god I regret that we were never allowed to use a mic again the mic stop stop stop with the gay lighting and everything, Jesus. I didn't even know you guys had that lighting package back there. Just rainbow strobes all of a sudden. You're paying for it, Tony.

Starting point is 01:40:31 I specifically requested it, but. I mean, uh. I didn't think we would do it on this show. That's for after hours. Oh yeah. Oh my goodness. Okay, guys, that's enough. Michael, relax. Jesus, Michael Gonzalez has been waiting years

Starting point is 01:40:47 for this drag show opportunity on this show. I'm working out. I was underage at the time. Tick-a-tick-a-tick-a-tick-a-tick-a-tick-a-tick-a-tick-a. It's like the segment ended two minutes ago. Michael is like, come on, get in some more. Yeah. That 15-year-old body was nice, right?

Starting point is 01:41:03 So you said you're gonna rattle off a bunch of stuff. You rattled one off, and then we went full stop. What else you got? Yeah, that 15 year old body was nice, right? So you said you're gonna rattle off a bunch of stuff, you rattled one off and then we went full stop. What else you got? Yeah, that was fun. I've had a lot of concussions. I've had a lot of concussions. Is it from the gay bashing or? No, no.

Starting point is 01:41:19 They were from a lot of different things. Yeah, Alabama drag, they make you dress like a woman then they beat the shit out of you. Get over here you faggot! You're like wait you put together the event! There was a rainbow lighting what the fuck! Ow! I'm concussed and now I'm shot! Oh and I've been bounced off of something. That was the worst one. Don't say that. The cannon was really the icing on the cake there.

Starting point is 01:41:51 Alright Chase, I'm going to get you the fuck out of here. Alright, cool, thank you. You already have a joke book. A little one, yeah. That sounds about right. There he goes, Chase Moat, ladies and gentlemen. Alright. Ladies and gentlemen. All right. Ladies and gentlemen, one final bucket pull.

Starting point is 01:42:08 How we feeling? This is the latest we've ever gone on a Monday night. You guys still with us? Make some fucking noise for your final bucket pull of the night. We're gonna meet them all together. Make some noise for Fantasia Wilhoit. Fantasia Wilhoit. Fantasia Wilhoit.

Starting point is 01:42:32 I bet none of you expected a white girl to pop out, did you? No. Nope, but it's me. Hi, everybody. I'm Fantasia. I'm a mom. That's probably my favorite thing, but it's a little tough because you got to give tough love to these kids because when we were kids, the biggest comeback was,

Starting point is 01:42:45 oh yeah, well I'm rubber and you're glue. Whenever you say it, it's all me and sticks to you. And we were like, fuck, he just got roasted. And now people are like, hey, on Friday, I get my allowance. I'm about to watch your mom get fucked on her OnlyFans. And I'm like, I'm not prepared for that. Like, I'm not.

Starting point is 01:43:01 And my daughter, she's gonna be 12 next week, and she just got a phone. I'm worried, because if I see 12 year and my daughter, she's gonna be 12 next week, and she just got a phone. I'm worried, because if I see 12-year-old titties, it's gonna be fucking hell in my house. I remember when I was younger, your titties got leaked. God fucking forbid, the whole school found out. And you had to tell your parents, because fuck that. But now you tell people, like, hey, I saw your tits,

Starting point is 01:43:22 and they're like, was it a picture or a video? Which one? I don't know which one you saw. There's tons. But half the time they leaked it theirself because she's competing with her mom now for OnlyFans. But they might give a promo. You could get two for one.

Starting point is 01:43:36 So who knows? But thank you. That was so great. Holy shit. Unbelievable. How are ya? I'm so fucking excited. I've been outside since fucking 10 a.m., guys.

Starting point is 01:43:49 Is that cause you're homeless? No, I came here from Florida. I'm trying to escape the hurricanes. Oh my goodness gracious. So what part of Florida do you live in? I live in Port St. Lucie. There's fucking nothing there, so. I know about Port St. Lucie.

Starting point is 01:44:04 Yeah, it's getting, it's growing. All right, is Port St. Lucie also what guys call your vagina? No, no, no. Because it's Lucy? No. Okay, what do you do for work, Fantasia Wilhoit? So I have two jobs. Roller derby.

Starting point is 01:44:25 Okay, I used to. I used to. Listen, I have seven brothers. You have to grow up to be a tough bitch. Okay. You do. You have to. You have two jobs. Yes.

Starting point is 01:44:36 You're a manager at a strip club. I am not. I am a massage therapist. That was my next guess. And number two is a gas station attendant. No, I actually am an alternative fashion model. That is my job. Okay, I see you representing the Kansas City Chiefs.

Starting point is 01:44:55 Yeah, we won today. And the Cowboys won yesterday, so I'm pretty excited about that too. I like both, okay? Patrick Mahomes is a Texas boy. He played at Texas Tech. Give me a break. Okay, we get it. You look Patrick Mahomes is a Texas boy, played at Texas Tech. Give me a break. Okay, we get it.

Starting point is 01:45:06 You look Patrick Mahomeless. Yeah. You look like a Travis Kelsea word. I do. These are chiefs' jokes about females that I'm coming up with. I'm often told I'm a real connoisseur, so... Okay. All right.

Starting point is 01:45:20 What's your love life like? You seem like the kind of girl that would absolutely take anything. Well, I mean, earlier I know we talked about the molestation thing, so I guess it kinda, you have trauma, so. When you say earlier, what do you mean exactly? I was here for the earlier show.

Starting point is 01:45:39 But. The standby show. But what, wait, what do you, you were in the audience? At another taping of this show? Yeah, earlier today. Okay, right. Yes, well that is, that's nothing to do with anything.

Starting point is 01:45:51 That was a different show. Well I was talking about like the trauma. And we didn't talk about anything. No, I was just talking about like things bring trauma. So let's just start from scratch. I'm sorry. I'm just nervous. I'm very excited.

Starting point is 01:46:01 I'm just nervous. It's okay. So, what was the fucking question again? My love life. Here we go. Ready for this? What's your love life like? It's good, but I just try to keep it personal. Do you have an OnlyFans?

Starting point is 01:46:14 I do not. Oh. Huh. Okay. I try not to, like, have that title. I don't want to be an OnlyFans girl. I have nothing against it. I just don't want to do it. You look it.

Starting point is 01:46:24 I know. Thank you. I take it as a compliment. That justans girl. I have nothing against it. I just don't want to do it. You look it. I know, thank you. You don't call me? I take it as a compliment. That just means that I'm pretty, so whatever. Kind of. Yeah. It's fine. I don't care, it's fine.

Starting point is 01:46:33 You do have a little swagger to you. Yeah, I think I'm pretty cool. I mean, I have a lot of tattoos and I mean, I usually get along with most people. I like to think I'm pretty nice. I've had a hard life, so I try to be the best person that I can. Wow. Okay. There you go.

Starting point is 01:46:47 Silly eyelash, ladies and gentlemen. So, if you don't want to talk about your personal life, can you give us some more interesting fun facts about that? Sure. I mean, I was a foster kid for a long time. We already knew that. What else? Yeah, of course. Before I did massage, I used to run a Denny's in the hood. So that was probably my favorite job I've ever had.

Starting point is 01:47:08 A Denny's in the hood. Yeah, I used to fight strippers in the bathroom. They would come get off work and just be like lit and just throw money at me. Like, it's going to make it okay. I've been in more fights than I would care to imagine a Denny's. No, you were in a Florida Denny's in the hood. Yeah, Riviera Beach, if you know anything about that.ny's in the hood.

Starting point is 01:47:25 Yeah, Riviera Beach, if you know anything about that. It's pretty rough there. Like the only thing worse is a Waffle House in that area. It definitely is, yes. So, interesting. How did the 12-year-old happen? Is that your only kid? It is my only kid.

Starting point is 01:47:41 Yep, I had her when I was 19. I got pregnant at 18. But I was married, so when I got pregnant. Is he on OnlyFans? Nope. He's in prison. Oh, look at that. OnlyFans.

Starting point is 01:47:54 I can't believe the father of your children is in prison. That's unbelievable. Well, her biological father is in prison, but she has a great dad in her life. And he has been there since before she was one, and he is the best man ever. So she has a great dad in her life. And he's been there since before she was one, and he's the best man ever. So she has a great dad. Yeah. Amazing.

Starting point is 01:48:09 Yeah, he's amazing. Amazing. What did her biological dad go to prison for? Are you ready? Yeah. Child pornography. Oh, my God. I swear to God.

Starting point is 01:48:21 That was worth a call. Did he write that set for you? I'm sorry? Did he write that set for you? Or? I'm sorry? Did he write that set for you? No, he did not. No. Oh my goodness.

Starting point is 01:48:30 So how did this go down? What did, what happened? So we were like freshly married when I was 18 and I had left to go to the- How old was he? He was 20. He's two years older than me. Okay. We went to like high school together and we lived on a military base.

Starting point is 01:48:42 He was in the military. And I left to go to the store, and my daughter was there, and I got a phone call 20 minutes after I left that I had to go home because the police were there. And I was like, what the fuck is happening? And they showed me a search warrant that they had for child porn, and I was like,

Starting point is 01:48:58 okay, well, I'm not in trouble, so can I have my kid? And they're like, no, we gotta talk to you. And I'm like, oh, yay. But it was real criminal mind shit. I'm driving in trouble, so can I have my kid?" And they're like, no, we gotta talk to you. And I'm like, oh, yay. But it was real criminal mind shit. I'm driving down my road, the whole road is filled with cops. I have to drive through yards to get to my house.

Starting point is 01:49:13 It was fucking crazy. Okay, so as you approach, that happens, what did they end up finding? So I don't exactly know because he took a plea deal. So when he went to court, they had a whole deal arranged. But I know they took anything that could hold storage, like a TV, the DVDs. They went through all the DVDs to make sure they

Starting point is 01:49:38 were super legit, like real movies. They wanted to take a digital picture frame that just had pictures on it because they want to make sure, like, nothing was being hidden. Like, they literally took everything, so I don't know. How did you meet the supplemental father? Um, also when I, like, lived there, so... Because it seems you met him right away.

Starting point is 01:49:57 I didn't. It was a little while later, but it was less than a year, so it was kind of fast, I guess, but... Did you meet him at a bar? Were you... No, my friend, she was moving, and at the time, I had a cleaning later, but it was less than a year. So it was kind of fast, I guess. But you meet him at a bar. Were you? No, my friend, she was moving. And at the time I had a cleaning business. Like when the military families move,

Starting point is 01:50:10 they have to have like their house spotless. So they would hire me and I would help my friend clean her house. And he was there with her husband. Clean her hard drives also? Absolutely. Absolutely. I don't want to call in another house like that.

Starting point is 01:50:24 Come on. Okay. So have you ever been into drugs or anything like that? Never. I never even smoked weed until I was 27. But now I love to smoke weed. You look like bath salts, to be honest with you. I really, really have never tried another drug besides weed, so...

Starting point is 01:50:42 Wow. You look like you might have dated his father, the guy from Montana, you know? Yeah. Actually, believe, before I got all these tattoos, I actually wanted to be a police officer, so I didn't try drugs because I knew I would have to pass all these tests, so. Wow. Absolutely incredible. So, how long have you been doing stand-up?

Starting point is 01:51:01 This is my first time on stage ever. First time ever on a stage. You've never been on a stage before for anything? I do like karaoke, but that's it. What's your song at karaoke? Carrie Underwood, Before He Cheats. Oh. Well.

Starting point is 01:51:15 Before He Cheats. Or I do Gretchen Wilson here for the party. I like that song. Or your baby daddy, Carrie Underage. He likes that. He really does. Congratulations, Fantasia, you did it, you got on the show. Here's a medium-sized joke, but feel free to fill it up

Starting point is 01:51:32 with crazy shit, sign up sometime, we'll do it again. There goes Fantasia Will Hoyt, ladies and gentlemen. Did you guys have a fun night tonight? Well, you know, the way I look at things, there's only one of two ways to end an episode like this. And the usual way of ending it is not here tonight. However, the only other reasonable option in the world, I think, is to bring to the stage one of the fastest rising

Starting point is 01:52:06 comedy stars in the world. I mean, where do I even begin? He's a fucking cold-blooded assassin. So many levels accomplished on this show. The only one left is him becoming a citizen of the United States of America. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the one and only, the great and powerful, the Estonian assassin, this is Ari Mati.

Starting point is 01:52:51 Hey, men, stop shaming sluts. We love them. You know some guys are like, ah she's fucked everybody. Oh you mean she's an angel. I'm 32 years old. I need time on court. I don't want to go to a restaurant that's empty. If I see a line, then I'm like, hmm. What's the special? I don't want to board a ship where it's the captain's first

Starting point is 01:53:34 day out at sea. I want to see the captain with the fucking wooden leg, eye patch. I've been sucking dick since Woodstock. I don't want no shell shocked virgin approaching my dick like you're a contestant on Fear Factor. I want you to treat my dick like you're a bartender when he's flaring. Thank you so much. Fucking unbelievable. I mean, that is how it is done.

Starting point is 01:54:22 Wow. What a special treat. I mean, my God. Unbelievably, unbelievably smart and funny. Are you, Matty? Thanks. Not only have you done it again, I do believe that's one of my favorite sets of yours

Starting point is 01:54:38 I've ever seen. Oh, wow. Absolutely incredible. It's always shocking to me when this happens on the rare occasion on someone's 15th or 20th or whatever, however many appearances. Yeah, it's a super fun exercise, writing jokes, trying to get to the point quicker.

Starting point is 01:54:53 And you're competing with only yourself. It's incredible. Yeah, absolutely. I'm trying to have fun in the process. The fans are super supportive. Thank you, everybody. I love it. Thank you.

Starting point is 01:55:04 Such an unbelievably distinct style that when you find a great premise like what you just did it is just incredible. The references, this, that, funny funny funny the whole way through. Sam Tripoli is the one that took me off the stool as a door guy in the back of the comedy store and gave me my first opening gig at the La Jolla Comedy Store. That's crazy. And the first comedian that I ever watched do an hour long set and I was so hooked and addicted.

Starting point is 01:55:37 Sam, what do you think about the young buck Ari Mati? No wasted lines, bro. Every line is a laugh. It's either a set up or it's either set up to a punch or it's a punch. It's great writing, dude. It's really good, Sam. Thank you, bro. Every line is a laugh. It's either a set up to a punch or it's a punch. It's great writing, dude. It's really good stuff. Thank you, yeah. Thank you, yeah.

Starting point is 01:55:50 I've always been super physical, so it was kind of when I got to the regularship, it was in the beginning I was kind of scared of it, but now I look at it as a fun exercise. Yeah, as you get older, you're gonna be less physical because you'll be like, fuck, I'm tired, dude. Yeah. Yeah. So your writing is great, and it will pick up where the physical drops off.

Starting point is 01:56:09 So you do great, dude. That's awesome. How old are you again, Ari? I am 32 years young. Oh my goodness gracious, how much fun. Yeah, it's amazing. Russell Peters, great to see you. You too, Ari.

Starting point is 01:56:21 I've been seeing you all weekend, buddy. I never got to watch your set at all, so I'm happy to see what I got to see now. Fuck yeah, Russell. It's crazy. I watched you like when I was 14, YouTube, in my bed, thick in hand. Fair? That's the best compliment ever.

Starting point is 01:56:38 You know, it's funny, it's Fantasia's ex-husband. I mean, it's child pornography, you know. It's only illegal in America. Estonia, it's wide open. Oh, legal age of consent in Estonia? Guess, guess. Fifteen. Fourteen.

Starting point is 01:57:00 Fourteen, baby. Fourteen. That's where Crystalia fucked up. Location, location, location. Oh my God. Oh my god Yeah, pedophile back in Estonia my man's a gentleman Wow he waited two years what a nice guy Holy shit

Starting point is 01:57:22 Also Chris if you need an opener in Tulsa, I'm here. My goodness, great. Ari Mati is on fire. What else is going on, Ari? I went to Las Vegas for the first time. I stayed in the Golden Nugget, which is the worst hotel I've ever stayed in.

Starting point is 01:57:42 It's one of those hotels where it's just you and the fan and I'm fucking, and I've never gambled, you know? Like, cause in Estonia, okay, we have casinos but it's all owned by Albanians and you gotta look for your daughter and it's a whole thing. And I don't wanna fucking, it's not exactly the fun Vegas. I don't wanna lose a spleen.

Starting point is 01:58:05 Right. Incredible. Super great, yeah, the dealers had big tits so I lost all the money, but gotta smooch later, so. Uh oh, hell yeah, just you and the fan. Fan of your work. A little smooch over here. I love it.

Starting point is 01:58:22 Ari, Estonia honestly sounds kind of fun. Oh, it's so much fun. Visit Estonia, please. Support our economy, fuck our women. Highest percentage of supermodels per capita in the world, by the way. Wow. I believe that. Which is not, you know, hard because not a lot of people. That's why the age of consent is 14.

Starting point is 01:58:44 Exactly. That's what I'm saying. So what would a wild night in Estonia, if we went to Estonia, you took like the main like whatever, six person crew of Phil Tony or whatever, what would a night be like? Are we taking Cam? Yeah, Cam. That's gonna be it. Let's say me, you, Red Band, Cam. Oh, shit, we leave Cam at the fucking...

Starting point is 01:59:11 No, no, no, Cam can come. Cam can come. Very welcome. Very welcome, Cam. Just, uh... If we bring Cam, does the age of consent shoot up a little bit? 25, 26? Don't want any broken Estonian vaginas out there. Yeah. Let's just, you know, it's gonna be an interesting...

Starting point is 01:59:32 Cam would stand out, you're saying. Uh, yeah. Just, uh... Yeah. Okay. Like I remember, I knew my friend's grandmother went to... Fuck! Who's the guy?

Starting point is 01:59:47 The song? Beautiful girl. Sean Kingston. Sean Kingston performed in the woods in Estonia and my friend took his grandmother out and I was like, where's the grandma here? And she looks at me, she goes, I just want to see one before I die. Wow. Which is nice, sort of, you know.

Starting point is 02:00:10 Wow. It's not, you know, she wasn't hateful about it. She was just, you know, wanted to see something new. Wow. Look at that. Unbelievable. But Cam would be a superstar. There's a guy who moved from Aruba to Estonia

Starting point is 02:00:26 back in the Dizze. And when he moved to Estonia, he represented us at Eurovision. You know Eurovision, big song contest. And we fucking won the thing with the guy. So he's like a hero now. A black guy moved from Aruba to Estonia. What do you think made him pick Estonia?

Starting point is 02:00:47 Plenty of pussy available, I don't know. You can be a superstar. How many black guys do you think there are? We have three, we're working on the fourth. We have a couple. So let's say we went there just the whites. What would a knight in Estonia be like? Hans too, that's an interesting one. You know, I haven't seen.

Starting point is 02:01:06 You think Hans would be a... Also very, you know, he will get some interesting comments, you know. Comments. You don't have many Asians there? No. How many Asians are in Estonia? I knew a guy. Well, we...

Starting point is 02:01:26 We heard of him. And then, when I went to see the, you know, when I went to visit the great Asian guy, he was like mixed, so he didn't have the... The full, full thing. The eyes, you know, so. So it was kind of like a fraudulent, you know. We don't know if Hans has eyes. The Hans have eyes, the Hans have eyes.

Starting point is 02:01:53 Tony, we should do Killtonia Stonia just to see what happens. Oh, it sounds like a- Oh my God. That's a great idea, Killtonia. Yeah, Killtonia. Russell said. Sell some shit out there. Yeah, Killtonia. Russell said. You could sell some shit out there. Amazing.

Starting point is 02:02:07 So that's great. What else does Estonia specialize in before I let you know? We're like, you know, look, IT people. We know about IT, you know, IT. It's like computers and shit. And then, oh, we invented Skype back in the day, sold it before it became valuable, so we kind of got fucked on that one.

Starting point is 02:02:27 And Chinoman with Polly Shore, of course. That's a big deal. And then, yeah. Any sports? You guys go to any sports? We're not, you know. We don't. Soccer, I guess.

Starting point is 02:02:47 We are all white, so the sports is kind of slow. Amazing. Yeah, we're not really on. Some skiing, some skiers were there. We had some fine skiing bitches. But nothing too great. The Olympics were a bit of a rough one for us. What happened in the Olympics? I could represent Estonia in the Olympics

Starting point is 02:03:09 in about six months in any sports. They're like, you want to do it? Tony, did you see that famous clip that was going around from the Estonian guy, the pole vaulter, right? Was it the pole vaulter? I sent it to you, and you're like... With the big dick, you mean? Or the one that right? Was it the pole vaulter? I sent it to you, you're like...

Starting point is 02:03:25 With the big dick, you mean? Or the one that failed? Yes. Or that the guy who got his dick caught on the thing? No, no, no, even worse. Yeah, there was one that just fell backwards. He did, yeah. He looked like a turtle, he couldn't get up, dude.

Starting point is 02:03:38 Oh my God. Just a bad look, and I feel for the guy. He's a nice guy, he's a sweetie pie. Amazing. Well, Ari, I got to tell you, I mean, a set like that, normally we love to have you open, you set such an incredible tone, but on an episode like this, it's incredible to see so many people do so many different types of sets,

Starting point is 02:03:58 but you came in and just fucking anchored down and really put on an absolute show. An incredible fucking performance. That's how it's done. Ari Matty, ladies and gentlemen, we did it. This was an episode of Kill Tony. Make some noise for Russell Peters. RussellPeters.com.

Starting point is 02:04:17 Tour starts now in Chicago. How about one more time for Sam Tripoli? SamTripoli.com. October 15th, the tour begins. And the new special comes out on YouTube October 15th. Why does everybody get quiet? October 15th on rumble.com. There you go.

Starting point is 02:04:35 Sam Tripoli, Russell Peters. Thank you to Squarespace Game Time, Hims Talkspace and ZipRecruiter. The drawing from Ryan J. Ebelt is in. The drawing from Chris Rogers is in. What do we got? Cam Patterson tonight. How about one more time for Ebelt is in, the drawing from Chris Rogers is in. What do we got Cam Patterson tonight? How about one more time for the best damn man in the land. Thank you so much.

Starting point is 02:04:49 We love you. Good night everybody. Thank you. Good night. ["The Best Man in the Land"] I'm gonna be a man, I'm gonna gonna be here I'm not gonna be here I'm not gonna be here you

KILL TONY - #688 - RUSSELL PETERS + SAM TRIPOLI

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