KILL TONY - #692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER

Starting point is 00:00:00 Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Death Squad.tv and now on Spotify and Apple Podcasts. If you want to check out Tony Hinchcliffe's website, go to TonyHinchcliffe.com. Everything Golden Pony, including his tour dates, at TonyHinchcliffe.com. If you want to check out the Sunset Strip or get some Death Squad merch, go to DeathSquad.tv. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Starting point is 00:00:33 ["Kill Tony Theme Song"] Hey, this is Red Faye, coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of their lives, huh? Yeah! Make some noise for Red Man, everybody! Goddamn! Oh, shit! Mama, we made it!

Starting point is 00:01:16 You're at Kill Tony, the number one live podcast in the world brought to you by Squarespace, Bluechew, PrizePix, Game Time, and Talkspace. How about one more time for the best damn band in the land, huh? God damn, there's something else. Fernando Castillo, Carlos Sosa, and Raul Vallejo, Michael Gonzalez on the drums,

Starting point is 00:01:47 Sean Greenberg on the guitar tonight, John Dees on the keys, and this right here is the undeniable D-Madness on the bass guitar. Oh my God. We have such a fun show lined up before we get started. Here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. or visit bettx.com for tickets.. .

Starting point is 00:02:30 . you the chance to take action to the end zone and celebrate every highlight real play. And as an official sportsbook partner of the NFL, BedMGM is the best place to fuel your football fandom on every game day. With a variety of exciting features, BedMGM offers you plenty of seamless ways to jump straight onto the gridiron and to embrace peak sports action. Ready for another season of gridiron glory? What are you waiting for? Get off the bench, into the huddle and head for the end zone all season long. Visit betmgm.com for terms and conditions. Must be 19 years of age or older. Ontario only. Please gamble responsibly. Gambling problem? For free assistance, call the ConAx Ontario helpline at 1-866-531-2600.

Starting point is 00:03:23 BetMGM operates pursuant to an operating agreement with iGaming Ontario. Finance podcasters love saying things like, If you don't cook every single meal at home, well, good luck retiring. At Wealthsimple, we know that's not true. Building wealth takes time. You deserve to live a little while you wait. That's why we're introducing new rewards like a 12-month Uber One membership, annual Strava subscription, airport lounge passes,

Starting point is 00:03:50 and lots more for qualifying clients to choose from. Get the details at wealthsimple.com slash rewards. Additional terms apply. What does possible sound like for your business? It's more cash on hand to grow with up to 55 interest-free days. Redefine possible with Business Platinum. That's the powerful backing of American Express.

Starting point is 00:04:11 Terms and conditions apply. Visit mx.ca slash business platinum. All right, you guys ready to start the damn show, huh? Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Two of the funniest comedians in the world tonight,

Starting point is 00:04:22 ladies and gentlemen. The fun never ends here. It is the return of a great guest and the debut of another great guest. These are two guests that I can't believe we're lucky enough to have on this same episode. We're about to have so much goddamn fun as I introduce to you two of the best. It's Ian Bagg and Tyler Fisher. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:04:47 Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I need a chair. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:04:54 Fuck yeah. Well, we got another chair coming. Hold on. We got a second chair. Wave to the people. You threw your shit out already? I'm so fast. There a second chair. Wave to the people. You threw your shit out already? I'm so fast. There's a chair.

Starting point is 00:05:09 Throw that chair. Fuck yeah, one more time for Ian Bagg and Tyler Fisher. They're on tour, ianbagg.com, tylerfisher.com. We're gonna have a lot of fun tonight. Welcome, welcome, welcome. I apologize, I didn't bring merch. Ha ha ha ha. Tyler, what the fuck did you just throw out to the crowd there?

Starting point is 00:05:29 All small, some hats. I'm shadow banned on the internet. You're not even shadow banned for your shit. So you gotta spell it out. You gotta write it all out now or you're not gonna find it. I love it. You got it. All socials, at Ty the Fish. F-I-S-C C H. I'm still wearing

Starting point is 00:05:47 Jordan Peterson's gay shirt from last time by the way. So I love it. Well welcome back. Tyler you've been on this show once before. Ian Bagg this is your first time. Yes. Welcome Ian. We're gonna have so much goddamn fun tonight. Uh-huh. Yes. Over 280 human beings signed up for the chance to be on this show. That's real. Yeah, it's in the bucket here. And they are all at a bar across the street. If I pull their name out of the bucket, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted.

Starting point is 00:06:15 You know their time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear which interrupts them and they have to wrap it up then. And that's it. You want to pull the first name tonight, sir? Look at that. That's a first. Right off the top there.

Starting point is 00:06:33 Yeah, go ahead. Take it. Get him. And yeah, that's it. You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show? While they go wrangle that comedian from across the street, we have a golden ticket winner that is here to get the show started tonight. It's been a while since we saw him.

Starting point is 00:06:53 Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you with a brand new 60 Seconds, one of the most adorable creatures to ever hit the stage here on Kill Tony. Ladies and gentlemen, one of the top young, very young, rising, and by rising I mean he's not growing anymore. Comedians in the world, ladies and gentlemen make some noise for Heath Oh, Kiltani! A lady broke my heart recently. She said she'd always be in my corner, but she's not. She left. She's not in my corner.

Starting point is 00:07:40 She left. Stupid fucking bitch. But you know what's always been in my corner? You know what's actually in my corner? Stiff socks. And freedom. I met a nice lady the other night. She told me that she had a mommy kink and that's great for me.

Starting point is 00:08:11 That's perfect. I'm kinky. I have a fucking anything that moves kink. She, you know, I didn't use protection. I'm not supposed to know what that is. Just a small boy. She asked me if I had some. I said, when I'm in danger, I call 911.

Starting point is 00:08:34 I'm a dad now. Thank you. Heath Cordes. Absolutely. Welcome, welcome. I don't even know where to begin. Hi, Tony. He's a great guy. He's a great guy. He's a great guy. He's a great guy. He's a great guy. He's a great guy. He's a great guy. He's a great guy. He's a great guy. He's a great guy.

Starting point is 00:08:48 He's a great guy. He's a great guy. He's a great guy. He's a great guy. He's a great guy. He's a great guy. He's a great guy. He's a great guy.

Starting point is 00:08:55 He's a great guy. He's a great guy. He's a great guy. He's a great guy. He's a great guy. He's a great guy. He's a great guy. He's a great guy.

Starting point is 00:09:01 He's a great guy. He's a great guy. He's a great guy. He's a great guy. He's a great guy. He's a great guy. He's a great guy. He's a great guy. He's a great guy. Yeah, I'm heartbroken. Oh, my goodness. I'm heartbroken. How did that happen? What happened? I... Play it. Play the music. I mean, yeah, if you're gonna hit it, fucking hit it. Jesus.

Starting point is 00:09:11 She led me on. She told me that she would take care of me. She told me that she had... She had milk. She said I could grow with her. Was this your mother? I wish. Wow. She said you could grow with her.

Starting point is 00:09:38 Something that's absolutely physically impossible. Question. Yeah. Is that the only thing wrong with your heart? physically impossible. Question. Yeah. Yes. Is that the only thing wrong with your heart? No, it's not. I had a feeling. I had a feeling. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:09:58 Was she a nurse? No, that's my kink. I'm a, you know, I'm a nurse. What do you mean, that's your kink? Yeah. You fucking look like a child. Everything's your my kink. I'm gonna nurse. What do you mean, that's your kink? Yeah! You fucking look like a child. Everything's your fucking kink. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:10:09 Like just doing it. That's fucking kinky. Like you should be doing homework and fucking you're doing it. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to snap, but that guy's a kid. If Tyson was here, he would hold you fucking and tease you. Hell yeah. I'm not mad at you. I'm just, like, fucking, I'm just, I'm upset that I don't look like you.

Starting point is 00:10:29 If Biden was here, he'd be sucking on your toes right now. Yeah. It's true. Yeah. It's true. It's not a joke. It's not a joke. Come on. Those are the longest toes I've ever seen. He's got, he looks like he has long toes. You look like you were born from pre-cum.

Starting point is 00:10:44 I... Ah! I can's got, he looks like he has long toes. You look like you were born from pre-cum. I... I can say that because I was. We're, you know, solidarity, man. Look at that. Jeffrey Dahmer when he was six. I love it. So Heath, you have your heart broken. How did she let you know?

Starting point is 00:11:04 Did she tell you face to face that it's over or what? No, it was through text. Oh, man. It was through text. Yeah. Yeah. And then it's true you've already moved on to another woman.

Starting point is 00:11:14 Yeah, I did. And you? I went to Puerto Rico. You really? Yeah. Hold on a second. Yeah. When did you go to Puerto Rico? Like literally, like I just got back from San Juan today.

Starting point is 00:11:29 No. Today. Yeah. When were you in Puerto Rico? How long were you in Puerto Rico? This whole weekend, I was doing like a private gig for like a bunch of millionaires. And like I did this house party. All the venues pulled out.

Starting point is 00:11:40 I don't know why, but. I don't know why, but... Pfft! Oh! Wait, were there any threats? Were you in danger at all? Did anybody say anything to you? Is he in danger? Look at him.

Starting point is 00:11:54 Yeah, yeah. Fucking always in danger. Fuck, every time a van goes by him. Yeah. I love it. Question, did you go outside when you were there? Because you're white as fuck. Yeah, I just, I mean, I did a tan much. I wore SPF 100, you know.

Starting point is 00:12:11 Yeah, kids' proof. You got a chick there, though? Yeah, I brought a chick. You brought a chick? Yeah, I brought a chick. Oh, you were out? Yeah. You took a girl to Puerto Rico with you?

Starting point is 00:12:21 I did. Oh, my God. Look at the life that you're living, Heath. Wow, fist bump from Michael Gonzalez. Hell yeah. Did you guys share a coach seat? I sat in her lap. I didn't even have to buy a ticket.

Starting point is 00:12:39 Amazing, amazing. I like that he's bragging about bringing his handler with him. I love you, I love you. I love you. I'm not trying to be mean at all. I'm just like, fuck, you're child. Yeah, no, it is. He's unbelievably adorable. So tell me a little bit more about Puerto Rico.

Starting point is 00:12:58 Was there any other highlights? Did the gig go good? What exactly did they pay you to do? They, uh, Red Band. Oh, fuck. For the love of God. Oh my God. Jesus Christ, Red Band.

Starting point is 00:13:14 Just give it a little bit of time. Okay. Couple more weeks. Nobody heard the joke. They don't even have electricity there. Well now they're gonna rewind it. Okay. Son of a fucking bitch. No don't hide.

Starting point is 00:13:34 Don't hide now. The electricity did go out like three times. Okay, fuck this. Fuck this. Fuck this. God damn it. Can you say anything else about fucking all of Puerto Rico? It didn't smell like garbage.

Starting point is 00:13:55 Okay, all right, that's it. That's it. This interview's over. Ladies, Heath, anything else to say? Are you done? I mean, it depends on you. Oh, Jesus Christ. It depends on you.

Starting point is 00:14:14 Kill Daddy! There he goes. Heath Cordes, ladies and gentlemen, let's go. Time for the bucket. Heath, put that mic back where you can. Put that mic stand back where you got it from, you little misbehavior, you. All right, your first bucket poll of the night, ladies and gentlemen.

Starting point is 00:14:30 Oh, shit, there's the lovely Heidi. How about one more time for Heidi, ladies and gentlemen. It has begun. All right, ladies and gentlemen. It has begun. All right, ladies and gentlemen, your first bucket poll of the night goes by the name of Matt Rivera. Ladies and gentlemen, here we go. Matt Rivera. People have been telling me lately that they don't think

Starting point is 00:15:02 I'm very nice, so I'm trying to be more supportive. Like a friend of mine recently came out as bisexual. That was weird. But he made an Instagram post about it. Did you guys know that it's not supportive to comment? I fucking knew it. But I'm not perfect either. Like I like tomboy's, which is a type of girl.

Starting point is 00:15:26 I'm serious, but it's still a weird thing to come out and say to your guy friends, especially one of them is named Tom. I think, okay, delivery could be simple. Like, I like tomboyz, but now I'm worried I'm gonna fuck up and be like, I like tomboyz. Tom. I think, okay, delivery could be simple. Like, I like Tomboys, but no, I'm worried I'm gonna fuck up and be like, I like Tomboys. It was even worse than I thought.

Starting point is 00:15:54 Because I was drunk, I was just like, I like boys, Tom. Thank you. All right, Matt Rivera. Welcome to the show, Matt. Thank you. Happy to be here. This is your first time, right? Yeah, first time on Kill Tony. How long you been doing stand-up? I've been doing stand-up for about four years. Four years.

Starting point is 00:16:10 Where at? I started in Union City, New Jersey. Okay. And where else? Where you been since then? I've done a lot of time in New York. I just moved out here eight months just to pursue it. I heard the scene was awesome and I've never been to New York.

Starting point is 00:16:21 I've never been to New York. I've never been to New York. I've never been to New York. I've never been to New York. I've never been to New York. I've never been to New York. I've never been I've done. I've done a lot of time in New York. I just moved out here eight months just to pursue it I heard the scene was awesome, and I've never fucking going back to shit sick. Yeah, you're having fun here in Austin, Texas It is a good old time. What do you do for a living? Right now I do a lot of temp work, but I work for not a damn chance burger. Oh Hell yeah, we love Not a Damn Chance Burger.

Starting point is 00:16:45 Truly one of the most addictive, unbelievable, heroin-like burgers you could find in the city. It's great burgers, it's worth the $17. Yeah, it really, really is. It's a fucking diabolical burger. That's incredible, I love it. What do you think, Ian?

Starting point is 00:16:59 Where have you been hanging out that you needed to say tomboy's are a type of girl? I just know that I'm not hanging out that you needed to say, Tomboys are a type of girl. I just know that I'm in Texas and things get lost in translation out here. Whoa. They get lost in translation in New York City as well. Yeah. That's...

Starting point is 00:17:22 Well. Been a hell of a week. So you didn't think they were smart enough? What's that? I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie.

Starting point is 00:17:31 I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie.

Starting point is 00:17:39 I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. Are we still doing that? You do have a lacrosse in your left ear. Yeah, I do. Is the one in the right? I can't see over there. Okay, no, just a normal one?

Starting point is 00:17:47 Just a normal one, yeah. Okay, so where do you stand sexually? Are you a Tom girl? He's in a Bon Jovi tribute band. No, no, I am straight, but a lot of people say that I look like I could be gay. I know all about that too. We relate on a lot of things. Okay, Matt, so here in Austin, what do you do for fun when you're not doing stand-up

Starting point is 00:18:17 comedy? I heard there's a lot of cool nature stuff to do out here. He's gay. I honestly... Holy shit. Oh my God. I got two gay dads. My gay dads are amazing.

Starting point is 00:18:33 I know people are gay before they even know. This guy? You'll find out. It's been eight months. You've just heard that there's nature stuff to do here? What just got by? What's that? It's been eight months. You've just heard that there's nature stuff to do here Well, I just got by what's that? Timie boys, I don't know. Have you been to an HG be yet? Yeah, that's the fucking shit, dude It is absolutely right shout out to HG be the greatest grocery store that's ever existed

Starting point is 00:18:59 How about a Buc-E's have you been to Buc-E's? Yeah, I actually went to a Buc-E's the first time a couple weeks ago What did it make you feel like? Tell the people watching around the world how it feels for a little boy from Jersey, a tiny, tiny little boy from Jersey, to walk into a Buc-ee's for the first time. How about the wonder that went over your body, or however it made you feel?

Starting point is 00:19:20 I've never been to a place that sells cigarettes and also a brisket. That was really interesting. But the craziest thing is that it was just like a giant gift shop about this beaver and I don't really get the lore behind it. Oh you will. Oh give it some time. Hold on a second. He hangs out at grocery stores in the woods, trucks, shops and doesn't know what a beaver is. This guy's gay as fuck. What are we doing here? What are we doing here? What are we doing here?

Starting point is 00:19:48 The jig is up, dude. I'll suck you off right now, dude. I look like the CEO of Bucky's, by the way. Maybe you should sit on the outside. I love it. So Matt, what else in your life? What do you, you have a crazy family. How do you think you ended up wanting

Starting point is 00:20:06 to be a standup comedian? What kind of childhood trauma did you go through? Is it that obvious? Yep. Okay. Well, I am a child of divorce. My family's Puerto Rican and... This episode's canceled.

Starting point is 00:20:25 Say no more! Jesus Christ. Enjoy your golden buzzer. That was the... That was fucking good timing right there. My family's Puerto Rican. Enjoy your money, sir. Have a good night. Tell your people, please.

Starting point is 00:20:46 No. It's the name of his show. It's not what they want him to do. You look like a Puerto Rican Rachel Maddow, actually. We know how this guy's voting tomorrow. Holy shit. It's fantastic. So, Puerto Rican family, what was that like?

Starting point is 00:21:05 ["Puerta Rica"] ["Puerta Rica"] ["Puerta Rica"] ["Puerta Rica"] ["Puerta Rica"] ["Puerta Rica"] ["Puerta Rica"] ["Puerta Rica"]

Starting point is 00:21:11 ["Puerta Rica"] ["Puerta Rica"] ["Puerta Rica"] ["Puerta Rica"] ["Puerta Rica"] ["Puerta Rica"] ["Puerta Rica"] ["Puerta Rica"]

Starting point is 00:21:18 Hey! Hey! Hey, we got Tony killed! Great! fucking awesome. Remember that show? Remember when there used to be a show every Monday? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Now that guy's dead, ha ha ha ha ha.

Starting point is 00:21:38 You fucking traitors all. Tell us about your fucking family. Hurry, hurry motherfucker, answer now. Okay, so I was raised very whitewashed. My older sister speaks Spanish, but me and my younger siblings don't speak any Spanish. And my dad raised us in the Bronx, New York, and we were very sheltered. Like, he made us walk in a straight line. He was a military guy. And yeah yeah we didn't absorb any of the hood so that's cool I guess. Absorb? You mean bullets? Yeah when you say you didn't absorb any of the hood are you saying

Starting point is 00:22:15 that walking in a straight line is the way to avoid being influenced in any way? Like you think your dad figured it out? Also, are you, as a Puerto Rican, calling New York City a white trash garbage dump? What are you saying, man? I live there. Enjoy, Tony. Fuck. Fuck. You're free, my friend. You're free. Being whitewashed was the most he was cleaned, though,

Starting point is 00:22:43 I'd say. Okie dokie. Uh, I got nothing to lose. I just got banned from Delta Airlines, so. All right. All right, Matt. Well, what scares you, Matt? What are you afraid of in this world? I think I'm most afraid of...

Starting point is 00:23:06 dying feeling worthless. Wow. Fuck, it's a... We'll be right back. It's a comedy show, motherfucker. Jesus Christ, now we all have to leave and cry ourselves to sleep because we all feel that. Fuck me.

Starting point is 00:23:21 That's what I came here for. Well... I know, we fucking felt it. Fuck me. That's not what I came here for. Well. I know. We fucking felt it. Yes. I would say. A white man and a black man felt that right then. Black lady, sorry.

Starting point is 00:23:32 Apologize. You guys are great. Tomboy. Oh, it's just getting worse. I'm not going to say anything. Matt, fun times. You're not worthless to us. You're leaving here with a big joke book.

Starting point is 00:23:40 Congratulations. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Oh, it's just getting worse. I'm not gonna say anything. Uh, Matt, fun times. You're not worthless to us. You're leaving here with a big joke book. Congratulations. There you go.

Starting point is 00:23:51 Oh, oh! Oh, God. Tony assaults Puerto Rican comedian. Pros. We're gonna edit all this out. We're gonna edit it all out. Alright Jesus Christ Heidi hurry up for the love of fucking God. Okay alright have Yoni fix it. Jesus fucking god almighty. Alright.

Starting point is 00:24:30 Who's ready to start tonight's show, huh? Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Alright. Hey y'all, this podcast is sponsored by Game Time. Folks, I love live events, comedy, music, sports,

Starting point is 00:24:42 I love it all. And when I go to live events, I use Game Time. Game Time has a new feature called Game Time Picks that makes getting tickets for your favorite live events even easier. Game Time Picks filters out the fluff to show you only incredible deals on great seats so you don't have to waste time

Starting point is 00:24:56 searching through thousands of tickets. Er, Red Band? Tony, I love Game Time. They make buying tickets so easy and affordable. I just found a super deal with our pal Jelly Roll at the Moody. It's so easy to pick your seats, add them to your cart and check out.

Starting point is 00:25:09 I personally love the seat views before you buy. Plus the lowest price guarantee. Mm-mm, mm-mm, yum. Game Time also has the best ticket coverage. Your purchase is covered with the most flexible customer service policy in the ticketing industry. So take the guesswork out of buying concert tickets with Game Time.

Starting point is 00:25:24 Download the Game Time app, create an account and use code KILTONY for $20 off your first purchase. Terms apply. Again, create an account and redeem code KILTONY. Why? For $20 off, that's why. Download Game Time today. What time is it?

Starting point is 00:25:38 Hmm, it's game time. Hey guys, what you're listening to currently, this is a commercial promoting the Pete and Sebastian show. This podcast chronicles the life of Pete Corielli, comedian, writer, actor, and myself, Sebastian Maniscalco. What are your credentials? Fucking De Niro movies.

Starting point is 00:25:56 My credentials are this cast. Ha ha ha ha. It's a show like no other. Yes, we do have amazing banter together, but you know what we just implemented right now We implemented guests such as yeah We had freaking jay Leno bill burr the great andy gosia jake johnson I mean, come on the list goes on let's go to continue going on and on

Starting point is 00:26:20 This is cutting edge comedy coming direct to you in your headphones. We will see you there Thanks for listening to the Pete and Sebastian show Here we go your next bucket full ladies and gentlemen goes by the name of Lorenzo Tyree everybody Lorenzo Tyree Call me lemonade cuz I'm about to be made tonight. Minute Maid, Minute Maid. So growing up I actually got made fun of. It was like what six years old? Yeah, I was like six years old and this kid came up to me at the lunch table. He's like

Starting point is 00:27:11 Lorenzo you got big pointy ears your dad an elf and everyone started howling just This guy's dad's an elf Dumbo and I'm like in shock cuz like I never met my dad. I Know I know it's a bit cool. I know it's a bit typical. But I go home that night to my grandma. I go to buy my babushka, that's what they say in Russian. I go home to her and I'm like, Grandma, Grandma, is my dad an elf? Is that where he's been this whole time up in the North Pole helping kids make, you know,

Starting point is 00:27:35 helping Santa make toys for the kids? And she's like, no, Lorenzo, your dad's not an elf. Your dad's deported. And that's why I knew where my dad was and what deported meant. Lorenzo Tyree, ladies and gentlemen. Lorenzo, do I even want to ask what ethnicity you are? I'm a mutt. I'm a mutt.

Starting point is 00:28:06 I'm a mutt. Yeah. Yeah. Uh-huh. What do you think I am? Well... Don't ask him! He can't do that anymore. Seriously? Like, fucking... We're all going down if you ask him.

Starting point is 00:28:17 You're the one that made a joke about being deported. Where would they be deported to if you're such a mutt? Dominican Republic. Okay. All right. Dominican Republic. Okay, all right, Dominican Republic. Totally different place. Horrible roads. Horrible roads. I love it.

Starting point is 00:28:33 Okay, and what's your mom? My mom is Italian and Scottish and Costa Rican. Okay. And Woody Allen, apparently. You do have a look to you. Ian is onto something here. You have a little bit of a look. What do people a look to you. Ian is onto something here. You have a little bit of a look. What do people say that you look like?

Starting point is 00:28:50 Free college. Have you seen the movie, uh, Gran Turismo? I need to drive the cars. I need to go fast. The guy, you know? I look like him. Okay. How long you been doing stand-up for, Lorenzo?

Starting point is 00:29:03 Roughly a year. just on and off. I can tell it's going roughly. Uh... So about a year. Where's this year been? Uh, here in Austin. Yeah, here in Austin. Is this where you're from? No. Where are you from?

Starting point is 00:29:15 Born and raised Alaskan. They got people like you in Alaska? Very few, very few. Damn. Your people crossed a lot of borders to get up there. They just kept going until they fucking are stuck in the snow. We'll stay here. Ian. Who gets deported from Alaska? Ha ha ha!

Starting point is 00:29:35 Like, fuck, there's nothing there. Yeah, well, the garbage is frozen there. You can't get rid of it. You can't get rid of it. Listen. Yeah. You can't get rid of it. You can't get rid of it. You make me laugh, Big Ben. What do you do for work, Lorenzo? We got a little smoke shop downtown. Smoke paradise. Come see me.

Starting point is 00:30:00 Okay. Smoke paradise. What do you... What makes your smoke shop better than the rest? Oh, I'm there. It's cool. It's like a little trailer. So it's like, I'm serving out this little trailer. People come up, homeless and all.

Starting point is 00:30:16 It's fun. It's really fun. Okay. How long have you been working there? February. So like eight months. Eight months. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:30:24 Okay. It's been a ride. It's been a ride. Alright. What's your love life like? My love life? Yeah. I'm young I'm just trying to figure out myself. You got a pink left earring again. Look at that a pink left earring. I think that's red, man. Huh? It's red. Oh, it's the right one? Red.

Starting point is 00:30:49 Oh, red. Sorry, I don't see color. I like that, I like that. I do see Jews, though. I do see Jews. Ty, the left one's not gay. Remember that. The left one's not gay?

Starting point is 00:31:02 Not gay. Oh, okay. Yeah, the right's gay. Hey, but I got both of them so it's like- Well, that means you're gay. Okay. All right, guys. That's a very earring heavy episode so far.

Starting point is 00:31:12 Let's keep it on the human. I like to focus on what's in between the ears of the comedians here. And I don't have much to work with right now. Lorenzo, tell us a fun fact about your life. What makes you interesting? Raised by my grandma. That was cool. She's an interesting person. Why were you raised by your grandma? Mom on drugs.

Starting point is 00:31:34 Mom's on drugs? What kind of drugs? All of them. She's getting better, but I think she's probably done everything. Wow. How often do you talk to your mom? Now I talk to her more. I just called her the last week. Every other week or so. Get her on the line? I found my mom overdosing.

Starting point is 00:32:01 Was that her thing? Was she like a partier? You could say that. Yeah, Alaska gets wild. It is? That's their saying. Great North. The salmon. Alaska's wild.

Starting point is 00:32:16 The salmon is, I know. And his mom. I know the people are. Mom's grabbing fish out of the stream to sell her drugs. Do you fish a lot in Alaska? Oh man, this doesn't even go back to Alaska. It's like, I'm Dominican. I gotta get those fish.

Starting point is 00:32:31 A spear? Yeah. Yeah, I don't use that rod shit. I fucking get in there with a gun. What is that? Do you have any clue what you're talking about right now? I'm Dominican, talking about fishing. I gotta stab people.

Starting point is 00:32:50 Okay, I don't do none of that. What about dad? Tell us about your dad. Well, I never met him until seventh grade. I went to Dominica and it was wild. Yeah, tell us about it. So, the first two, it was like paradise. Just, you know, everything's good.

Starting point is 00:33:08 We're eating good, going out. Then my auntie went back home to Alaska, and he switched to flip, like, locked the doors up, kept me inside, couldn't play with the Dominican kids, couldn't learn more Spanish. And then he broke my phone. Couldn't talk to the fam.

Starting point is 00:33:24 What do you mean he broke your phone? He smashed it? Yeah, he smashed it. So I was on playing some Clash Royale. And he was like, what are you doing over there? Are you texting your family? I'm like, no. But I really was.

Starting point is 00:33:34 But I was like, no, no, no. And he's like, yeah, let me see your phone. I was like, no, no, no, no. And he grabs it and he just slams it. Because he's like, this is my house. You know? It's that bullshit. It's that bullshit. That bullshit.

Starting point is 00:33:47 All right, go ahead. We've all been there. Yeah. Yeah. Well, yeah. It was wild, like. It was wild. It was wild.

Starting point is 00:33:56 I want to hear more about that, though, as far as your writing goes. I would write about that. That's interesting stuff. So yeah, yeah, like got bare minimum food. Like we got some like water with some tang and then some bread and butter. That was breakfast.

Starting point is 00:34:10 Dinner with some rice and eggs. Water with tang? Yeah. I mean, tang? Yeah. Exactly, it's just tang. Well, it's like the powder that you gotta put it in. Well, yeah, but that's actually,

Starting point is 00:34:20 that's not the worst breakfast beverage in the world. Tang's not that terrible. I mean, the bread like it filled up made me full. Was your dad in prison? Huh? When you went to visit him, was he in prison? No, he was actually doing really good in Dominica because he knows English, so he'd get like the English slash

Starting point is 00:34:37 like Spanish job. So he was like, doing pretty good, but like, he was a bad man. He's actually here tonight. Why don't you come on out, Carl? Let's back it up to breakfast again. So you have tang and you said bread with butter. Was this bread toasted? No, no.

Starting point is 00:34:53 We didn't have a toaster. No toaster? No toaster. So it was just raw bread? Yeah. Raw bread. But essentially, essentially it's sushi toast. Depending on how you look at it. But essentially, essentially it's sushi toast.

Starting point is 00:35:07 Depending on how you look at it. I mean, in a normal household, I know rich kids that are happy with some tang and toast for breakfast. Let's go back to you saying raw bread. Yeah, raw bread. The most bougie thing I've ever heard you say in my life. No wonder they hated you in New York. Just walked out, raw bread was my life. No wonder they hated you in New York. I just walked out. Raw bread was backstage.

Starting point is 00:35:30 Raw bread. It's only applicable during breakfast conversations. Raw bread is normal for lunch and dinner. Raw bread. Especially dinner. That's called dough, actually. Oh, it's called bread. It's raw toast. Well, I guess...

Starting point is 00:35:49 Oh, toast, yeah, that's what it is. That's what it is. Sorry, we're talking. You fucking blew our mind. Now that dough has entered the conversation, you're right. I guess dough would kind of be raw bread. And bread is raw toast. I feel like we're doing whatever drugs your mom is on right now.

Starting point is 00:36:04 I feel like we're at a drugs your mom is on right now. I feel like we're in a trailer wherever he works and we're flying out of it. There's levels to it. There's levels to it. There's dough, then there's bread, then there's toast. Yeah. Thank you, lady.

Starting point is 00:36:19 Fuck you, bitch. What an asshole. That's the yeast of your worries, Tony. Wow, look at that. Red Band. Red Band. Unbelievable. Oh, my God.

Starting point is 00:36:33 Unbelievable. Where's your sound effect? Somebody's father came flying out of nowhere and dropped that. There it is. -♪ You guys might not have been here last week. we have a new sound effect for when Red Band has a good one. Okay.

Starting point is 00:36:50 Well, I'll tell you what, Lorenzo, it was okay. Here comes a little joke book coming at you. There he goes, Lorenzo Tyree with a little joke book. And on and on it goes. How about a hand for Yoni, ladies and gentlemen? He is the muscle. The muscle. Not quite as pretty as Heidi,

Starting point is 00:37:13 but he can do like a mechanical shit. All right. Ladies and gentlemen, your next comedian is a golden ticket winner. He is a legend on this show. Make some noise for the great and powerful Aaron Belial, everybody. It's a return of Aaron Belial. From America's Got Talent, recruited for that show here on Kiltoni.

Starting point is 00:37:47 AGT, Kiltoni Legend, one more time for the great Erin Belial, everybody. I had a one night stand and six weeks weeks later she texts me saying she's pregnant. Bullshit. I wore protection. And no, I didn't put the condom on my hand to protect her from Mr. Scratchie. I knew she was lying because we only had sex once, and I checked, and I had a full bag of goop. I brought my condoms home with me and inspected them because you can't trust these hoes. That's right.

Starting point is 00:38:36 This lady poked holes in my condoms? I have pictures. She's a lunatic? I don't even have money. I'm just a middle-class retarded guy like you. Drake puts hot sauce in his condoms and ties them up so this doesn't happen. But I can't tie a knot so next time I'm using fucking lighter fluid. She thought she could outsmart me. Nah, I knew what to do. I told her cerebral palsy is hereditary.

Starting point is 00:39:06 You can't fool me, lady. That little two-handed bastard ain't mine. Aaron Belial, ladies and gentlemen. Goddamn. A lot of drama going on right now. I mean, I'm not gonna lie. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Starting point is 00:39:28 Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Starting point is 00:39:36 Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Starting point is 00:39:44 Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my best. Oh, shit. You are a wild boy, Aaron Pyle. Good Lord Almighty. Look at that. Never heard you make so much noise before. Hey, you guys. Very interesting. so much noise before. Hey, you guys. Oh. Very interesting.

Starting point is 00:40:10 So it was a one-night stand? You can barely fuck down a stand. One-hand stand. Oh. Calls it a one-hand stand. That's good for grabbing the clit, that little claw thing. Yeah. You kind of get beat, getting, you know.

Starting point is 00:40:28 Yep. The old reverse squirter there. The old no-look squirt, just the fucking... Clit-grabbing claw. Yep. I can stand. We did it doggy style. Oh.

Starting point is 00:40:43 More like froggy style. What the? Is it a chihuahua? I finally realized why they call you the golden pony. You like to be on all fours getting pissed on in a horse mask. Okay. You s... Oh. Fuck all of you.

Starting point is 00:41:07 Psst, psst, psst. It is true, though, by the way. That's hot. That's hot. Uh, do you have any special, uh, crazy things you're into in the bedroom? You ever use Mr. Scratchy for anything? An bag? Why would you say special?

Starting point is 00:41:22 Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. Sorry. What are you into, Aaron? You wouldn't need a ball gag in your mouth. That wouldn't do anything. This is a dangerous weapon. It is. It is. Uh-oh.

Starting point is 00:41:38 Uh-oh, you're not going to get it. You're not going to get it. You're not going to get it. You're not going to get it. You're not going to get it. This is a dangerous weapon. It is. It is. Uh oh. Uh oh, he's cooking up something good here. For those of you just listening, the podcast, his thumb is absolutely scorching

Starting point is 00:41:57 across the board. Would you want this inside of you? Oh my God. Oh my God. No, they don't, no. Nobody wants that inside of them. Oh my god. Oh my god. No, they don't. No, nobody wants that inside of them. Mr. Scratchy needs to...

Starting point is 00:42:09 There's a watch in it for you. That watch ain't going nowhere. Look at that thing. I've never seen a more secure watch in my entire life. Would you want this inside? Oh, he's cooking up something, Ian. Look out. It's so nice to meet you, Ian. You're like Matt Rife after six kids

Starting point is 00:42:32 and the worst divorce of all time. What the fuck? You guys are fellow Canadians, I do believe, right? You're a Canadian, right? You're Canadian? Yeah. You didn't tell me that. I've been talking to him all weekend, kind of.

Starting point is 00:42:47 Ha ha ha ha. The real land of garbage? The real land of garbage. Okay, all right. Well, it's a hot subject tonight. Ha ha ha ha. Very topical. All right, you fucking son of a bitch.

Starting point is 00:43:05 Over there typing shit. Aaron Belial, what else is going on, Deuterino? Halloween was fun. I liked to scare kids. I didn't dress up or anything. I just tell them when I was a kid, I didn't eat my vegetables. I was handing out onions and shit saying,

Starting point is 00:43:24 if you don't wanna look like me, you better eat that. That's amazing. You doing... Well, yeah. Huh. Onions stop that from happening. Yeah. Isn't that an interesting vegetable for the... Onions. Of all the vegetables, you went with onions there? You want it inside you? It's the hardest one to chop, too. On you, of all the vegetables you went with onions there? You want it inside you?

Starting point is 00:43:49 It's the hardest one to chop too. I like to make them cry. Ah, fuck yeah, Aaron. Am I putting it inside them? I love it. So you really took the condom home with you? Is that a real thing? No way, right? I mean, you could yes or no.

Starting point is 00:44:07 You could shake your head on this. You just go to the bathroom. Ha ha ha ha. It's called a joke, Tony. Oh, okay, well. All right, thank you. Aaron, you fucking piece of shit. Ha ha ha.

Starting point is 00:44:22 All right. Okay, anything else we should know about you Aaron Boyle? After my last appearance, someone invited me to a ranch that does horseback riding for special needs kids. And I thought, this is perfect. I'll help Tony find new regulars. And I started handing out flyers to the parents. I love it that one of my special needs comedians is making fun of me for hiring

Starting point is 00:44:45 so many special needs comedians. You have to love it. I'll give you some time off after this so that that fucking stereotype of my show dies down a little bit. Then I realized I am just hurting myself, so I put a shock collar on the horses. Those little bastards have no grip strength at all.

Starting point is 00:45:09 All right. Aaron, I love you. You're amazing. You have some tour dates coming up or something? You have that already preset in your phone? I am going to Arkansas, and I have a big run in the Florida area in December. I'll be in Miami, Naples, Key West, Boca, Melbourne, Jacksonville, Tampa Bay.

Starting point is 00:45:27 Basically everywhere with gators. Get tickets at MuteComedian.com. Wow. There he goes. MuteComedian.com. We know him. We love him. Our boy, there he goes, galloping away. It's amazing when that guy shows up to a horse riding place and he already looks like he fell off a horse. They're like, oh, he's going for it again.

Starting point is 00:45:55 All right, ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket pull goes by the name of Angel Maldonado, everybody. Angel Maldonado. 60 seconds uninterrupted for Angel. How we doing tonight, y'all? Ooh, yeah. Alright, identify yourself. Who in this room thinks I'm straight?

Starting point is 00:46:17 You know, show of hands, make a little noise, clap your hands. Alright, some delayed reactions. That's the usual reaction that I get, actually. I don't know what it is about Texas ever since I moved here. I think all the steers, everybody just figures that I'm the queer. I don't know what that's about. Either that or the long hair combined with I'm so racially ambiguous that everybody also assumes that my sexuality is an ambiguous topic.

Starting point is 00:46:51 I don't know what that is. I don't know. I think I'm onto something. The other day I had a comic tell me that I'd make a good prison wife. Yeah. It was his actual wording was, you would have the power of the pussy in prison, Angel. And I said, I said, wow, thank you.

Starting point is 00:47:12 I appreciate that. Ah, true story. Anyway, that was my time. All right, Angel Maldonado. How are you doing, Angel? I am loving life. I am so tired. I am so high.

Starting point is 00:47:25 OK, there's the excuses. Why are you so tired? I'm a door guy next door at Buckwild. I've been working all Halloween weekend. It's so fucked up. My sleep schedule is nocturnal right now. It's bad. Yeah, OK.

Starting point is 00:47:44 What else? I mean, that doesn't seem like that crazy of a job. What is that? My sleep schedule is nocturnal right now. It's bad. Yeah. OK. What else? I mean, that doesn't seem like that crazy of a job. What is that, like 8 to 3 or something? No, no. I work until the bars close. And then I left. So what time is that?

Starting point is 00:47:56 I left work at like 4 AM last night. So 8 to 4? Yeah. No, 6. 6. 6 to 4. Yeah, 6 to like 4 AM. And you stand there and you check IDs. Yeah, yeah, six, six. Six to four. Yeah, six to like four a.m. Can you stand there and you check IDs?

Starting point is 00:48:07 Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's easy money, it's pretty fun. I'm not complaining. Right. Yeah, yeah, you were. Yeah, you were. It's on tape. We all heard it. I mean, I'm from New York originally,

Starting point is 00:48:18 so I mean, people read my energy as complaining a lot. I don't know. You're from New York? What ethnicity are you, Angel Maldonado? Ah, I don't know. You're from New York? What ethnicity are you Angel Maldonado? Ah, I don't want to bring this up, Tony. I don't want to bring this up. Oh my god. Let's just say.

Starting point is 00:48:37 Just say what subway you live off of. Let's just say I'm un poquito garbage, basura. Ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha. The people of Puerto Rico were never called garbage. Ha ha ha ha ha. The island has a landfill problem.

Starting point is 00:48:59 The landfills are filled. The joke stems from the Great Pacific Garbage Patch. It is a misdirect joke. You're supposed to think I'm bringing up the Great Pacific Garbage Patch. We love the garbage. We love it. You get it. We love the garbage, right?

Starting point is 00:49:18 This guy just crawled out of the garbage can. He's voting for me so strongly. If he can wake up, if he can wake up tomorrow, wake this guy up, right? Wake this guy up. That's crazy. Sleepy little angel. Look at this guy. Sleepy little angel.

Starting point is 00:49:37 Just like Joe Biden. Just like Joe Biden's sleepy little angel. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha And then you should have laughed. The rest of the shit you shouldn't have done. I'm gonna be honest with you. Because you're really funny, but you forgot because you didn't get any sleep. You thought, I've got a big day coming up tomorrow. Better stay up and get high. I've had a very long weekend. Yeah, yeah. Beautiful son of a bitch.

Starting point is 00:50:14 Can you do a Trump impression? I think that would kill if you could do it. Try it out. There's a lot going on in this country, folks. Oh God, all right. I would still vote for you over Oh, God. All right. I would still vote for you over her, but, uh... Thank you.

Starting point is 00:50:32 Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. He's winning them back. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. You look like a hotter version of Kamala, actually. Ah, thank you. Thank you. You're slightly more retarded than her, but... It's in the eyes or something. Yeah. Can you do a con? Can you just try, please, without any practice, a Kamala impression?

Starting point is 00:50:52 Yo, I swear I'm black. Yeah, that's pretty good. I promise. You're looking good, dude. You just rewrote your minute. That's good. That's fantastic. You're fucking hilarious.

Starting point is 00:51:09 Yeah. You got to stop with the first part. I've only lived in Austin for seven months, but I've been, I've wanted to do comedy since I was a little kid. I did, I was an improv kid. That's my, that's my comedy background. Yeah. It's sad. It's a part about shock. You You like you went to school for that? UCB. Okay. Yeah yeah for many years.

Starting point is 00:51:31 Yeah. Yes and? Ah yes and not a lot of pussy. Really? You seem like a good-looking guy. You seem like you have a good sense of humor. Yeah, I mean, I get flirted with a lot at my new job. It's pretty cool. What's your flirt like? Give us an example. Pretend like there's a woman. Yeah, she hands you her ID. What do you say? How you doing today? You look nice. You know, my name's Angel, you know? Like in the sky.

Starting point is 00:52:04 Nope. Yeah. We're just going, trust me. I'm an honest guy. My name's Angel, you know, like in the sky. Nope. Yeah. That's it. We're just going, trust me. I'm an honest guy. I just stay quiet if I see a pretty girl. You know what I'm saying? Send them back to Puerto Rico.

Starting point is 00:52:15 Right, Puerto Rico. When I start doing this, it doesn't work. Finish the wall. There's a wall of garbage around there. Can you skateboard? Oh yeah, I'm a long boarder. I feel more natural. I've been living in Aspen for the last four years. Aspen? Wow. You're just frozen still a little bit.

Starting point is 00:52:36 I got an anxiety disorder. I shiver a lot. But I feel more natural on a snowboard than I do like walking on two feet. Yeah. Because you don't have to talk to anybody. Just fucking. Yeah, it's awesome. Yeah, I just listen to music real loud and then I just ignore everybody that tries to yell at me, you know. It's good. Do you get a big night's sleep before you do that? Nope, never. Never. OK, Angel, what are some other, what are some things that you do for fun here in Austin, Texas? Oh, man.

Starting point is 00:53:10 Can't snowboard here, so. I mean, there's so much I can say. Really, you could say any one of the things that are going through your head. Yeah, let's just say I've been skiing in other ways. Oh, look at you. My job provides good opportunities. Wow, so you're not always so sleepy.

Starting point is 00:53:34 Yeah, I've been saying I wish that energy drinks actually provided you sleep other than energy. And I found the stimulant that actually provides you with something that feels like sleep. How often are you doing cocaine, Angel? Ah! Let's talk about it. I'm sorry, Mom.

Starting point is 00:53:54 Well, we know what the anxiety disorder is. It's just a cocaine addiction. No! And don't apologize to your mom about this. She saw your minute. I take Prozac. Dude, my- You take Prozac?

Starting point is 00:54:08 Yeah, yeah, yeah. You take Prozac and cocaine? Where does the energy go, man? Even though. I keep it inside, you know? That's why I shake a lot and sweat. It's just a lot of energy going on. Internal combustion.

Starting point is 00:54:23 Yeah. You know? How long have you been on Prozac? I started smoking and drinking a lot when I first moved here, trying to fight the anxiety going on stage. And then I saw a psychiatrist. I was like, sobriety helps my stage presence a little more than drinking and smoking. And obviously, I'm still struggling with that.

Starting point is 00:54:45 Right, yeah, you said you're high. So how, you went to the therapist, what, like five months ago, ballpark? Yeah, just about, yeah. That's pretty accurate, Tony. You've been here seven months, you said you went to a therapist, I'm just guessing. Yeah, no, you got the track.

Starting point is 00:54:58 You're shocked like I'm a psychic or something like that. No, I'm not, I know how, I know you're smart. Okay, and so you've been on Prozac for about probably maybe four months. And how long have you been doing cocaine? About like, I mean, about the same first time is a long time ago. Sure. But I'm talking about regularly here. Right. Like, like the past three, four weeks. OK, so it's a new problem. I love this.

Starting point is 00:55:25 This is good. This interview is going well. It's a new solution. Okay. I don't know if it's a solution exactly. I'm not on it tonight, Tony. That's all I gotta say. This guy's out of control. Probably would have been a good night to do it.

Starting point is 00:55:48 Oh my god. You tried cleaning your damn room. In your fucking life. Jordan Peterson. No. Wow. How about just being a model? You know, I remember I remember

Starting point is 00:56:04 people didn't think I was funny when I started doing comedy as a teenager because everybody would tell me, hey, you ever think about modeling? Like that's a good career path for you. They would never be like, hey, that shit was funny. Like, you know? And here we are. Yeah, here we are today. You know what I'm saying?

Starting point is 00:56:21 So like when's the last time you did cocaine? Was it last night? Maybe. Okay. Are you looking for cocaine, don't you? No, no, no, I'm just curious. I'm curious what it's like for a guy like you. So you're working last night, right?

Starting point is 00:56:35 Ah, maybe. Okay, enough with the maybe. So it's a yes? I actually know. The days turn into nights real quick these days. Okay, so when do you do cocaine? Who do you do it with? Do you do it by yourself?

Starting point is 00:56:50 Do you buy it? I got buddies. I'm friends with a lot of comics out here. That's pretty cool. Not the question I asked. When you do cocaine, do you do it by yourself sometimes? Tony, sometimes, yes. Okay, so like the last time you did it,

Starting point is 00:57:08 can you take us through? The last time I did it, I did a bump by myself in the bathroom at Shakespeare's. Okay. So, all right. And that helps you get through the night. But then you drink.

Starting point is 00:57:23 Yeah. And you wake up and you're depressed. Yeah. And you take Prozac. Yeah. And then wherever the day takes you from there, maybe you do more blow, have some more drinks, and then you take Prozac again.

Starting point is 00:57:34 Riding the wave, baby. Have you talked about riding the wave, baby? Uh. Austin Powers. Have you talked with your therapist about this new cocaine habit? A little bit. What do they say? Uh, they say, as long as you're not- Then he's fucked. Austin Powers. Have you talked with your therapist about this new cocaine habit? A little bit.

Starting point is 00:57:45 What do they say? They say, as long as you're not- Then he's fucked. My opinion is that I'm not abusing any drugs. Ever since I started taking Prozac, I've been using drugs for fun and not to cope. And so, yeah, new excuses, Tony. I know. Are you sure you took the improv class? And so, yeah, new excuses, Tony, I know.

Starting point is 00:58:05 Are you sure you took the improv class? They taught me to be honest. That was one of the early rules. Angel, here's a little joke. Oh, thank you. There you go. Absolutely. There he goes.

Starting point is 00:58:18 Angel Maldonado. Appreciate it. No, you know what I'm gonna do? Hello world. This podcast is sponsored by Zipix. Zipix believes nicotine users should have a better way to get their nicotine than smoking, vaping or dipping. Their toothpicks are discreet, taste great and allow you to get your fix anywhere, anytime.

Starting point is 00:58:38 Their cutting edge infusion process means the nicotine and flavoring is absorbed throughout every toothpick and not just coated on the surface. Red band. Johnny, I love Zipix. Cinnamon is mine. You know, these toothpicks are a great alternative to smoking. I hope you give their toothpicks a try and see why their customers keep coming back. No doubt about it. I love it on airplanes, long car rides. We bet when you first heard of nicotine toothpicks, you probably thought, Long car rides. We bet when you first heard of nicotine toothpicks, you probably thought, do they even work?

Starting point is 00:59:06 If you ask Zipix customers, you'll find the answer is a resounding yes. Nicotine toothpicks are a great way to curb your nicotine cravings discreetly and conveniently. One aspect of nicotine toothpicks that makes them an effective replacement for cigarette smokers is that they satisfy both the oral fixation and hand-to-mouth routine that you get from smoking.

Starting point is 00:59:23 Customers who were former smokers say that this had a huge impact when transitioning from cigarettes to toothpicks. So give Zippix toothpicks a try. Go to zippixtoothpicks.com and order a bundle today. And now it's time for Kill Tony. Before we do that, I'm gonna say that that set was so, so, so low-energy, such a little amount of laughter that I think I'm gonna bring in a special utility player that we bring in only when somebody does really, really,

Starting point is 00:59:54 really poorly and gets almost zero laughter. Energy drinks were brought up during that set with Angel Maldonado. This guy is what I think of when I think of somebody bailing, when I think of somebody doing energy drinks. Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to present to you a golden ticker winner with a brand new 60 seconds. This is Drew Nickens, everybody.

Starting point is 01:00:15 -♪ He is the true Nick, he is the true Drew Nickens, he's the true what, he is the true Drew Nickens, he's the true what, he's the true Drew Nickens, whoop! -♪ Whoo! Whoo! Tony's not racist. Look what he did for me, and I'm a black comedian. When he told that black joke, all I could think of was, I placed last in that watermelon carving competition.

Starting point is 01:00:42 I lost to D. Madness. watermelon carving competition. I lost to Dee Madness. Kim got disqualified, cause he spelled Halloween wrong, got mad, and shaked the watermelon 50 times. We all know Tony won the whole competition, cause you can't beat the gays at arts and crafts, am I right?

Starting point is 01:01:05 But it was rigged. I only got safety scissors to carve my watermelon with. I didn't even get a real knife, because it's dangerous. But the positive thing is, David Lucas had fruit for the first time! And he loved it! He got all the watermelon innards! He looked like a diabetic Kool-Aid man!

Starting point is 01:01:34 All right, thank you all. That's my time. You know, I forgot all about that fucking joke. I'm black. I didn't forget. All right, well, it's a cute that fucking joke. I'm black, I didn't forget. All right, well, it's a cute little Halloween joke. Barack Obama didn't think it was cute, but. That fucking guy. Yeah, it's a weird week when you could say

Starting point is 01:01:58 Barack Obama criticized my joke. He said I made a joke about black people eating watermelons. That's not true. It was a joke about carving watermelons at an all-black Halloween party. The joke being, of course, that white people. The brothers, we didn't let them.

Starting point is 01:02:20 I'm not going to do it Obama. What am I going to think? Can you do it Obama? I can't really, but you kinda, you're like doing a Kramer impression if you said the N word more. Oh. I'm not allowed to say the N word in, I'm black.

Starting point is 01:02:35 His dad is black. Hell yeah, brother. It is absolutely wild. John Turkey. Black Hulk Hogan. I'm turkey. Black Hulk Hogan. I'm confused. So the other guy was on cocaine and you're not. No, I do energy drinks.

Starting point is 01:02:50 He really does. How many energy drinks have you had today? Three. Wow. Which ones? Was it just Red Bulls? No, I did a Rise Rainbow Sherbet, slept on flavor. Can't find it anywhere.

Starting point is 01:03:02 And then I shot another red bull in the bathroom because people judge me now and say, Drew, you're going to kill yourself. I'm like, but then I had one down there. You had, you sift a red bull down there. Yeah. With the water. I love it. I love it. You mix some water, you cut it with some water. Yeah. True. Just like Tang. Cut it with some water, baby. Hey, hey, Tang is slept on, dog. You ever put Tang in a Red Bull? Fucking fantastic. It's a kick in the glass.

Starting point is 01:03:32 And in your ass. Have you ever had raw bread? Come on, Tony. When you think of the raw bread, what do you picture? Uh, uh, uh, uh? Domino's, pizza. I love their crazy bread. And so like, I can only imagine, if you don't cook it, it's still fucking delicious.

Starting point is 01:03:54 Am I right, Tyler? Yeah, dude. Oh my God. True, what else is going on with you? So the last couple weeks, I've won two out of three poker tournaments that I played in. Pretty cool, right?

Starting point is 01:04:11 Pretty good for a dumb guy. What's some of your tricks? Do you like pretend like you're dumber at the table and like fuck people up? You like play stupid, like, oh, this is a good hand when you're bluffing. No, so what I do is I just be my natural self and they're like, ah, he has special needs hand when you're bluffing. No. So what I do is I just be my natural self, and they're like, god, he has special needs.

Starting point is 01:04:27 We can't really take his money. Right. It works like a fucking charm. And then I get them all bamboozled, and they're like, wow, great story. Oh. And then I'm like, oh, bluff. Oh, I got the nuts.

Starting point is 01:04:38 I get them. And I can do it for like five to six hours. Comedies really help, because I can have constant conversation, but still concentrate on once my hand, and I can do it for like five to six hours. Comedies really help because I can have constant conversation but still concentrate on what's my hand and I can distract him. I love that. They call him big blind, he doesn't see social cues. I'm not autistic, I'm just dumb, dawg. Don't do that.

Starting point is 01:04:57 I love it. I beg to differ on that. Okay, you got a touch of autism, son. Love it. I got a brain injury, sir. Same thing. Okay. Yeah, he doesn't exactly have a full house up here,

Starting point is 01:05:13 you know what I'm saying? Oh, poker joke. Hell yeah. Drew, I absolutely love you. Thanks for popping in. You are the man. There goes Drew Nickens. On to the next one.

Starting point is 01:05:24 Now we got a bucket pull and then we'll do that. Thanks for popping in. You are the man. There goes Drew Nickens. On to the next one. Now we got a bucket pull, and then we'll do that. Your fourth bucket pull of the night, ladies and gentlemen, goes by the name of Taylor Neely. Here we go. Taylor Neely with a new minute. Oh, yeah. Holy smokes.

Starting point is 01:05:40 Oh, incredible. Wonderful. Ladies, let me hear you say hey. Fellas, let me hear you say, oh, wonderful. Ladies, let me hear you say hey. Hey. Fellas, let me hear you say, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Ah. I can't hear you. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I can't hear you! Oh, yeah.

Starting point is 01:06:09 Oh, my God, dude, I don't know if you know this, but you're sitting in the kissing section. Yeah, I got to come down there and give you a kiss. No, you're not into it. No one's ever happy to be in the kissing section. Well, how do they think I feel? Now I got to go back there and tell them they be in the kissing section. Well, how do they think I feel? Now I gotta go back there and tell them they're in the anal section.

Starting point is 01:06:29 So, pucker up, anal section! Whistle You can have that. Laughter Who do you guys think would win in a fight? New York City rat? Swallow that hole. Chew that entire glass hole right now.

Starting point is 01:06:43 Who do you think? That's my time. Thank you so much. I'm Taylor Neely. Taylor Neely, ladies and gentlemen. Okay. Did you do some Angel Maldonado's cocaine back there? You seem like a wild boy. Me? No. You're like... Okay. Tyler Fisher, what do you think about your adderall infested younger brother here? I think I'm the only guy in town that looks like Jeff Fox worthy fuck Macaulay Culkin, all right? You better watch out. Put this on, you'll look just like me. Just tell people you're me, you'll make a ton of money.

Starting point is 01:07:18 There he is. Yeah, you got a big head. A very tiny head. I have a huge ass head. My mom had to have a C-section and my head was so big. Holy shit. Wow. I know.

Starting point is 01:07:29 Okay, Taylor, this is your first time on the show, right? Yeah. Okay, welcome, welcome. How long you been doing standup? Three and a half years. Where at? Atlanta. Atlanta, Georgia.

Starting point is 01:07:39 You still live in Atlanta? No, I moved here in August. Okay, well welcome, welcome. Thank you. What do you love about Austin, Texas? Oh, I like the comedy scene. A fuck ton. It's great. It's awesome. Oh, I like the, you know, it's more, uh, it's just more free. Yeah, it's awesome. It really is. What do you do for work here? Oh, handyman. You're a handyman. Yes. For what? Doll houses? Hey, you, you shut the fuck up, dude. Bro.

Starting point is 01:08:06 Whoa. Uh-oh. We're about to have a flyweight fight of the century over here. I'll put you in the kissing section, bro. Wow. Taylor and Tyler, Tyler and Taylor. We'd be waiting in ounces, man, I think. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:08:28 Wow, this is crazy to see. That is what I look like, though. Fuck. Yeah. No. It's real interesting, man. Do you like what you see? I kind of do, actually.

Starting point is 01:08:41 I'm getting hard, man. This is incredible. Wow. Do you also put your height on Tinder as millimeters to trick me? No, it does say 5'8 on my driver's license, but it's secretly, not so secretly, it's 5'7 and 3'4, but legally 5'8. There you go. Yeah, bomb, that sucks. Shit. Fuck. The fuck is D Madness going right now? Is somebody gonna help this fucking guy?

Starting point is 01:09:09 There's nothing but stairways on the other end of that curtain, by the way. I've never seen D walk off on his own before. You just walked a blind guy. Holy shit. Jesus Christ. So what did you say your height was? Five eight. Get the fuck out of here, no way. Is anyone believing that?

Starting point is 01:09:31 I'm literally five four. Tyler, why don't you, Tyler, take this. Tyler. Ass. Ass to ass. That looks about right. Wow, look at that. Hey, hey, hey, hey. I don't think we need the tape measure.

Starting point is 01:09:51 I kind of believe you at 5'8". I'll believe 5'8". Yeah, he's 5'8". Fuck. I'm so small. God damn it. Ian, what do you think about this young buck? I think he's fantastic.

Starting point is 01:10:02 Great energy. He's grown a mustache. He's 12. He's got a mustache, he's 12. He's got a giant head, looks like this fella over here. Everybody's all excited, he's got tattoos, he will fix things in your house. What do you specialize in as a handyman? Oh, I'm transitioning to mounting just TVs.

Starting point is 01:10:18 Hey, hey, what the fuck? Hey, you also shut the fuck up. I didn't mean that, I'm sorry. I really didn't mean it. Transitioning to just mounting TVs. Just mounting TVs. In high heels. It's better money.

Starting point is 01:10:34 Yeah. What from? What were you doing before? I did a, I finished a big painting job today, and I mow lawns and put furniture. Cas, grab it. Okay, so you're a Mexican. And you just started transitioning today? No, when I moved here I just found the job on ZipRecruiter. Uh-huh, uh-huh. Shout out. Absolutely, we absolutely love ZipRecruiter. No doubt about it.

Starting point is 01:11:05 Oh, the smartest way to hire. All right. What do you do for fun at nighttime, Taylor? What's your nightlife like? Oh, well, I'm sober, because I used to smoke a lot of crack cocaine, and I don't do that anymore. There it is. Wow. Yeah, that last guy doesn't have fucking shit on me.

Starting point is 01:11:22 Fuckin' coke. Grow up and smoke crack like an adult. Yeah. How did you end up smoking crack? How does that happen? Oh, you see Wiffle Wall Street? What? Wiffle Wall Street, I really loved cocaine in college and then when I was drunk I saw Wiffle Wall Street

Starting point is 01:11:38 and when they smoked crack in Wiffle Wall Street, drunk me, I was like, that looks like a fuckload of fun. And then I went home from college. I'm from Columbus, Ohio. And I went to Ohio, go Buckeyes. And I went to, I came out of a blackout and I asked this guy if he knew where to get crack. And then the-

Starting point is 01:11:56 You tried crack for the first time from a random guy in Columbus, Ohio? Yes, a homeless guy. So you smoked it, a homeless guy. You smoke crack, what happens? Take us through the process please. homeless. So you smoked it. A homeless guy. You smoke crack. What happens? Take us through the process, please. The first time I smoked crack. So it's like a young homeless black man. He seemed like my age. And I'm like, do you know where to get crack? He takes me to like the bad part of a high street, which is like a, yeah. And then he

Starting point is 01:12:19 takes me to a tall lanky black guy and I give him money and he could have walked away with the money, but crack heads are very honorable and he comes back. Oh, yeah, he comes back with the crack and we smoke it. And then like somehow I get a gaggle of like homeless guys and we're walking down the street and we go into a I go to a convenience store because I want some water because coke and crack makes you very thirsty. And I like they start asking me for money and shit and I don't want to deal with this. So I'm walking out of the gas station and there's another guy

Starting point is 01:12:48 walking to his car and then like oh you know pretend I'm with you and I get in their car we speed off and then I these guys like yo what'd you get into tonight and I'm like well I smoked crack for the first time and then they're like well you want to smoke some more And then they're like, well, you want to smoke some more? So we smoked that. OK, OK. So then what happened? He dropped me back off at my friend's fraternity house

Starting point is 01:13:11 at 6 AM. 5th Street, 6th Street. Did you love it? Drunk B loves it. OK. Sober Me, it's bad. It's bad at the end. It's fun.

Starting point is 01:13:24 It's fun for the first 30 minutes and then it's... Let me ask you this. How soon after that did you want to do it again? Every time I got drunk until I got it under control this time. Yeah. So you kept like, and you would drink almost every night? No, it was more like, I'm like a binger. Like I'll relapse and then I'll binge for like a week

Starting point is 01:13:45 And I went to the psych ward recently and that was bad. I was being too naughty It sounds like it what do you guys are sending comedians from a homeless shelter across the street just Shipping them across 6th Street now do people know you're a handyman when you're working Or are you a crackhead that's breaking into the house? I am the guy on the corner with the windshield wiper just trying to wash people's windshields. That's not what I said. There's nothing crazier than a cracked out little white guy

Starting point is 01:14:15 breaking into your house. Can I mount your TV? He's an honorable crackhead. That old saying. He'll drop you off at 6 a.m. after he's mounted your TV. Stole your copper. Well, Taylor, fun times. Decent set, a lot of that was trying to get the crowd

Starting point is 01:14:34 to fucking repeat after you shit. So you're leaving here with a little joke book. Come back again, keep signing up, maybe you'll get a big one. There goes Taylor Neely, everybody. We've come to that time of the show where it is indeed time for one of your most elite regulars of all time this young man is selling out all over the country technically all over the world anytime he announces a date it

Starting point is 01:14:59 sells out he's a monster you get to see a brand new minute from the one and only Cam Patterson, everybody. People take politics too serious, nigga. Real shit. I know it's been a thing tonight, but really people take politics way too serious. I don't even know how to spell politics, so I don't really care about it too much. It don't really bother me at all. It's funny, because I believe in, like, three degrees of separation.

Starting point is 01:15:33 And I talk to Joe Rogan all the time, and that blows my mind, dawg. He used to talk to Donald Trump for three hours. And I used to talk to crackheads on the street. You know what I'm saying? Those crackheads have no idea. They two phone calls away from Donald Trump. Like...

Starting point is 01:15:50 They have no idea. They be like, let me get a dollar. I got something better for you, nigga. Just wait on it. I raised one a couple days ago. That was cool. That was fun as shit. He was slow as hell. And I beat him. I thought I beat him.

Starting point is 01:16:06 I told him, I said, if you beat me, I'll give you $20 if you beat me, right? He was like, I could beat you, I promise I could beat you. And then we raced, and then I won. He was like, hey, who's just splitting the pie? Fuck it. Just split it in half, give me half the money, please. That's my time.

Starting point is 01:16:24 Unbelievable. That's how it's done. A brand new minute. From the man himself. Come on, nigga, we outside, man. We are. We outside. Come on, bro. It's unbelievable. This shit crazy, man. We are in it. Hell, yeah.

Starting point is 01:16:40 No doubt about it. I let it call me a bigot the other day. Really? Yeah, and I'm like, I don't know the fuck that mean, bitch. Be smarter, dumbass. Stupid bitch. Use better words, stupid. What did you do to make her call you a bigot? What did you do to make her call me a bigot? Fuck. Goddamn. Thank you Tony. Fuck. I been fighting for you all week, nigga, you have no idea. Been fighting hard as shit.

Starting point is 01:17:08 Been fighting hard as fuck, nigga. Now, that's my fucking brother, Lee Malone, pussy! This been fucking crazy. Don't fight. Don't fight. Rope a dope. Just let him wear it. Fuck.

Starting point is 01:17:16 Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

Starting point is 01:17:24 Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I been fighting hard as shit. I been fighting hard as fuck. Now, that my fucking brother leave him alone, pussy. This been fucking crazy. Don't fight. Rope a dope. Just let them wear themselves out. The crackheads love me. They love me. Yeah. Yeah. Trump, what do you think about Kam Patterson? I love the African Americans.

Starting point is 01:17:44 Hello. Trump acts like he saved black people. Before I was president, black people, they couldn't even walk. They couldn't speak English. Cam barely can, but he's doing great. I speak great English, nigga. My English phenomenal. He's like Joe Biden, bumbling, bumbling. So funny, bro.

Starting point is 01:18:03 So it's been a wild week for you, huh, Cam? Yeah, it's been up and down. My brother love that shit though. My brother enjoy it. Nice. Brother enjoy it. Yeah, yeah. He a mailman, so that's cool.

Starting point is 01:18:12 I love it. Yeah, yeah. He's a real mailman? Swear to God. The funny thing is, I'm doing this, my life is going great, and my brother's a real man man and he's still my dad's favorite. Wow. Is he the youngest?

Starting point is 01:18:24 Oldest. Okay. He the second oldest. Wow. Is he the youngest? Oldest. He's the second oldest. Okay. Yeah. Alright. How many brothers do you have? I got one brother.

Starting point is 01:18:32 Well, I'm talking about, I got one blood brother. That's your no of, yeah. I got... That's an ashtray. I got a lot of brothers I fuck with, you know what I'm saying? Like niggas I know from the streets and shit, but like I got one blood brother. Okay. Gang shit.

Starting point is 01:18:55 Yeah, yeah, I love him. Indeed. He the best, man. He's just been doing his Kamala impression this whole time, man. Shit. It's good. It's good. So how many brothers do you have? Got one brother. Okay! It's good. It's good. It's good.

Starting point is 01:19:07 So how many brothers you have? Got one brother. Okay, there we go. Yeah, I got a couple homeboys that we did some shit together, so they're my brothers also. They're not your brother. They are? No, no, no.

Starting point is 01:19:14 They're brothers, but not my brother. Ain't you? They're your mother, but they're not your brother. What the fuck, that mean? You confuse me right now. You confuse me. We confusing each other. I love it.

Starting point is 01:19:24 That great shit. Yeah, this is good. Is the mailman- This is the changing places. You confused me right now. You confused me. We confused each other. I love it. That's great shit. Yeah, this is good. Is the mailman your blood brother? Yes. But he's not the oldest. You count the oldest as one of your actual brothers? Oh no, that's my sister.

Starting point is 01:19:37 My oldest sister is my sister. Oh, okay. Yeah, I got a sister. I got three sisters and one brother. Got you. Yeah, yeah. Do you think he's a mailman because he has all these packages in his car? Like what the fuck that mean? There you go.

Starting point is 01:19:51 Red band's back. You were on fire for two weeks, then what the fuck happened? That was terrible. Back to normal, he snapped out of it. All right. I love it. Cam, were you on the road this week at all? Yeah.

Starting point is 01:20:06 Where were you at? I was in Sacramento. Okay, Sacramento's fun. It was cool, girl. It was cool. Punchline? Yeah. Break Club.

Starting point is 01:20:14 Break Club. It was a guy in the crowd, it was like a swole dude, a real swole guy. And I asked him, I said, what do you do? He was like, I'm an entrepreneur. And I was like, okay, yeah, but what is your entrepreneur in? And then he was like, I'm a security. He just made it more vague than anything, right? And then come to find out, he's like a security guard and he came to meet me and gave me a

Starting point is 01:20:32 Gucci jacket. That was pretty cool. It was too big, so I gave it to my sister because she big as hell, right? I am your sister. Yes, no, she your size. She big as shit. That bitch is beautiful. I gave it to my... She should be a male man.

Starting point is 01:20:45 So I gave it to her and then we went. Then he took her to the Gucci store the next day and bought me some slides and she bought Jolly a jacket. It was crazy. Real Gucci stuff? Yeah, he closed it down for us. I don't know what. He might be the president.

Starting point is 01:20:57 I don't know what it is. Damn. No, he robbed a Gucci store. Yeah. If it was closed, if it was closed when he went in there, I'm pretty sure. No, no, no. Absolutely. He said he'd close down for us.

Starting point is 01:21:13 I was like, that's cool. Yes. No. Have you never been in a riot? No. That's exactly what you were involved in. No, they was slower. They was giving us champagne and shit.

Starting point is 01:21:22 Yes, you robbed it. Yeah, we robbed it. Fuck it, we robbed it. We stole that shit. Amazing. Hell yeah. You have Gucci slides now. I've been had Gucci slides.

Starting point is 01:21:33 I've had a bunch of Gucci slides. I mean, you helped me get a lot of money, nigga. You know what I'm saying? Life is all right. Life ain't bad right now. You know what I'm saying? This is good. That's awesome.

Starting point is 01:21:42 I got a bracelet and shit. I have a good one. A bracelet? No way. Hell yeah. You got bracelet money? saying? This is good. That's awesome. I got a bracelet and shit. I'm not having a bracelet. No way. Hell yeah. You got bracelet money? We're spending your money. I got a bracelet, nigga.

Starting point is 01:21:50 I'm wearing a woman's watch. You got a woman's watch. Look at that. Look at that cute little tiny watch. That's a little baby-ass watch. That is the tiniest watch I've ever seen. It makes my wrist look bigger. I got a whole thing that makes me look bigger.

Starting point is 01:22:02 Where did you get these? Is that from, is that Stuart Little? So what is that? Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Where did you get the watch? I found it in the garbage. Puerto Rico. Oh my, come on. God damn it.

Starting point is 01:22:16 I make fun of your watch, you just gotta bring that up. Jesus Christ. It's not gonna die when you say words like that. Nigga, I'm dangerous words right now, brother. I like it, I need it. Oh my goodness. I'm on the no fly list.

Starting point is 01:22:29 I'm fucking, yeah. What happened with Delta? Let's take a moment to talk about this. We should talk about this. Yeah, let's talk about it. I want Cam's input on this. I'm glad to be here for this. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:22:40 He has a lot of brothers and cousins that work at Delta, I'm sure. You know, security. Atlanta based company. They were all riding in the overhead luggage, actually. They came out right up. Oh, so I tweeted. I tweeted a photo. They're not going to let me come back to cook out after this shit. They don't ban me from this shit.

Starting point is 01:23:05 Prepare to be called a bigot again. Here we go. Tyler Fisher's Delta story. My Delta story. I took a picture of a pride pin and I just tweeted out, do I need to know who sucks dick or eats pussy? Does it help the plane fly? Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on.

Starting point is 01:23:22 Hold on. You took a picture of a pride pin connected to what? A flight attendant. Right, that's an important part of the story. Okay. You just said you took a picture of a pride pin. So a flight attendant's wearing a pride pin and you said what?

Starting point is 01:23:36 I said, do I need to know who sucks dick or eats pussy? Does it help the plane fly? Does it? I got banned for life for that shit? For life? Yeah! Damn! life for that shit? For life? Yeah! Damn! For life!

Starting point is 01:23:48 Forever? Forever! Damn! Forever, ever? I gotta take trains now. I gotta take choo choo trains to my shows. What about like other, what about like other? It's the biggest airline in the world.

Starting point is 01:24:00 I mean, you can go on other airlines, though. I will suck a pilot's dick to get back on a plane. Hey, hey, hey, you don't have to do that. There's other airlines. That's being an ally. There's different airlines. You can get on other airlines. Just stick with the train.

Starting point is 01:24:12 That's like when Texas banned porn. They just banned PornHub, that was it. All the other ones are still open. Oh, yeah. It's true. You can get on a different airline, you fine. They're gonna sue me, though. They're suing me. I be thinking this shit. I'm a fucking genius. They're gonna sue me, yeah.

Starting point is 01:24:25 For your little watch. Yeah, yeah, take all I got, this is it. So what airline have you been using since? Oh I took Frontier, I flew in this morning. Oh look at me. Good luck buddy. Oh my god. You don't have to do that.

Starting point is 01:24:41 Well I did, that was all that was available today. Oh, damn. I came back from, I don't even remember where I was. It was so early. Seven connections from Dallas. Yeah. Yeah. It's a bumpy landing on Frontier.

Starting point is 01:24:55 They didn't even go up to a gate. They parked in the middle of the runway. And just rode a fucking ramp down. We're gonna be in spirit soon. Yeah, boycott Delta by ramp down. Yeah. I'm gonna be a spirit soon. Yeah, boycott Delta, by the way. Yeah. Yeah. All right, there you go.

Starting point is 01:25:10 How about you let the gays be gay on the plains? I'm raised by gay men. I love gay men. It's not about... You were raised by gay men? Yes, I have two... What's going on here, man? I didn't know this.

Starting point is 01:25:19 What's going on here? What's going on here? What's going on here? My dad came out when I was seven. He came out as racist, but then four years later, he started fucking dudes. Damn. Really?

Starting point is 01:25:26 Yeah. What? Look at me, obviously. Yeah, I had no idea that the Keebler elves were gay. All right. Wow. Delta. Yeah, Delta.

Starting point is 01:25:38 I mean, isn't that interesting that like, like I mean. We both had a rough week, huh? I don't know why you have to keep bringing my shit up here. that, like, like, I mean... We both had a rough week, huh? Boom. I don't know why you have to keep bringing my shit up here. I'd rather have yours, because you could still fly Delta, right? Not to Puerto Rico, but...

Starting point is 01:25:56 Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! I'd much rather have yours, dude. I will trade. I'll start smoking, I'll do whatever I gotta do. You lost all your airports, you only lost one. Oh my God. Cam, literally the best minute of the night so far. You did it again. He has to do it every week.

Starting point is 01:26:19 Not easy, not an easy gig at all. How loud can this place get for the great Cam Patterson? All right, back to the bucket we go. Jesus, I just broke a name. That's a verse. Look at that. Brute strength. Make some noise for Leslie Childs, everybody.

Starting point is 01:26:37 Leslie Childs is next. How's it going, everybody? My name is Leslie Chiles. I'll just tell you a little bit about myself. I'm a single father. I've been raising my son by myself now for 11 years. Now that's a long ass time to be doing something by yourself, right? So you're probably wondering the same thing everybody keeps asking me, where the mom at?

Starting point is 01:26:58 And that's a fair question. And I love telling people the honest God truth because there's nothing fucking fun here. See when my son was two weeks old, my baby mama, that bitch took off with a midget. That's not a punchline. This bitch actually took off with a midget. And to this day, I don't know what pisses me off more, the fact that she took off with a midget

Starting point is 01:27:16 or the fact that a midget was wearing cargo shorts. You ever seen the emo midget wearing cargo shorts? That shit will hurt your pride as a man. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. Honestly, he looked like he was coming down to his shortcomings though, for real. But look, on some serious shit though, my son, he's 11 years old and there's half the periodic table

Starting point is 01:27:32 in the first 22 digits of pie. Not to pat myself on the shoulder, but I don't think I did too bad for a guy who failed the retarded class every year, right? And look, this bitch had the nerves to call me back up after about a week talking about the midget throwing beer cans at her and fucking hitting her with cans and shit.

Starting point is 01:27:47 I was like, bitch, that sounds like a short relationship. Y'all, that's been my time. Y'all have a blessed night. Wow. Well, jokes on her, the guy she left with can't fly Delta anymore. Sorry. Fuckin' your ex-wife. Got him. Oh. anymore. Welcome to the show Leslie. Frontier is roomy. Appreciate it. Thank you. Everywhere is roomy for you. You gotta stand up on this seat to adjust your air vent.

Starting point is 01:28:23 I hide in the bathroom I just sleep under the sink. So Leslie, how long you been doing stand up? I have been trying to get on this show for almost four and a half years. You've been trying to get on this show for almost four years. Almost four years. Yeah. When you say that, you mean you've been signing up off and on? Dude, the shit I've been through just to try and get on this show will blow your mind.

Starting point is 01:28:44 Name some of the things that you've been through. All right, so I've drove from South Carolina, where I'm from, to here multiple times. My first time was for an HEB Arena show. All this is on YouTube. I took and traveled from there with no gas, no food, no money. Told jokes the entire time just to get by at gas stations and shit. My car broke down five times in every fucking state.

Starting point is 01:29:01 There was a person coming here to see the show on HEB with a ticket helping me to get the show on H-E-B with a ticket helping me to get my car fixed. And again, it's all on YouTube. Shit that comes out of my mouth will blow your mind, but just take in mind, everything I'm telling you, including my joke, is 100% true. I believe you.

Starting point is 01:29:14 I believe you. Imagine it wasn't upgrade. I'm gonna just... Dude. Dude, my life is wild, dude. You have no idea. So you're in South Carolina. That's where you live.

Starting point is 01:29:24 Your car broke five times on the way to the HGV Center. Have you tried to sign up for here multiple times? Yeah, dude, you know that everybody's seen that red car sitting underneath the bridge, dude. That's my car that's been here since December. Well, not everybody has seen a red car underneath a bridge. Let's just take it one step at a time here, Leslie. So how many times do you think you've driven

Starting point is 01:29:41 from South Carolina to Austin, Texas, to sign up for this show? Just give me a ballpark. Probably about five times. I also drove from South Carolina to Austin, Texas, to sign up for this show? Just give me a ball of heart. Probably about five times. I also drove from South Carolina to the LA one. Again, get enough gas, enough food, no money. Oh my God. Are you also on a no-fly list? I'm on a lot of different lists, but not that one. A lot of different lists.

Starting point is 01:29:58 And no touch lists. Wow. Okay, Leslie. Well, congratulations. You're here. You finally did it. All the hours on the road. That's amazing. You wouldn't believe all the people that told me I wouldn't get here, dude. That it was a waste of time, that you're retarded and you're never gonna make it.

Starting point is 01:30:13 I did fail the retarded class, but I made it. Fuck them. I love it. I love it, Leslie. You didn't give up. Here you are. Here you are. Here you are. What do you do for work, Leslie?

Starting point is 01:30:27 I'm fully disabled. See, I'm legally classified as, this is usually where I lose people, so sorry. But I'm legally- It's okay, you're like the fourth retarded guy on this show tonight. I'm legally classified as suicidal, homicidal, bipolar, chauvin, motor depressive, slight schizophrenia,

Starting point is 01:30:41 OCD, ODD, ADHD, and slight night terrors. I got more issues and more coverage than AT&T. And by how fast you said that, you're also autistic. Yeah. Incredible. Tony, I've been telling everybody for a long time, I'm your wet dream, dude. Like, the story.

Starting point is 01:30:57 I see how surprised and amazed this man gets when he hears a true story. But the problem has been that every single time you hear these crazy true stories, they only got like one or two of them, dude. I got a fucking list of them. Oh, thank you. And I ain't got a fucking truth.

Starting point is 01:31:12 Every single one of them. Thank God that was a list. Ha ha. I pulled that out, I was like, oh, fuck, he's Puerto Rican as well. Ha ha. The security guard back there, he had to pat me down. The security guard had to pat me down.

Starting point is 01:31:28 He's like, you got any knives? I was like, dude, I ain't even allowed sharp objects. So let's cover some of this scroll, man. Let's fucking do it. How many of you want to hear this scroll? Hi, Eve. Thank you. You're a mythical best.

Starting point is 01:31:42 All right, now bear with me. Hear me, hear me. Yeah, fuck. Hear me, hear me. The camera, Todd speaks. Everyone quiet down. Thank you. You're a mythical best. Hear me, hear me. Yeah, fuck. Hear me, hear me. The camera, Todd, speaks. Everyone quiet down. All right. Now, y'all, seriously, bear with me, dude.

Starting point is 01:31:50 It's literally my handwriting. I did fail the fucking retar... You know how you failed the retarded class? Okay, yeah. What? Go ahead. Are you fucking... You're there until you're 21 and they kick you the fuck out?

Starting point is 01:31:59 Okay. All right. All right. So number one, my baby mama took off with a midget. Again, all this shit is true. Number two, I ran away with a girl from the nuthouse. Number three, I married a girl out of spite to piss off my father.

Starting point is 01:32:10 Now funny thing about this, somebody told me I spelled spite wrong and spelled spit, S-P-I-T, so. Oh well. Number three, I married, oh no, I already did that one, fuck. All right, number four, I was kicked out of a woman's house for beating my meat for four days straight. Hold on a second, let's back already did that one. Fuck. All right, number four, I was kicked out of a woman's house for beating my meat for four days straight. Hold on a second. Let's back it up a second. When you say that you married a girl out of spite

Starting point is 01:32:30 in order to piss your dad off. You ready for this? Yeah. All right, so I hate my father, dude. Like, me and him always go at it. He fell out of a tree last year, and I was like, fuck it. But, um... So, I was... All right, so... Make this your set. This is hilarious.

Starting point is 01:32:46 Dude, I got to... All these are true. All right, so, I was writing... You know how a steam mirror, and when you steam in the bathroom and you can write shit on the mirror and shit? I was drawing pentagrams and shit, you know, just so they would pop out and go, I don't know the devil.

Starting point is 01:32:59 And so I was like... I love seeing people's reactions, mainly fucking with people. And so he did what I like to call church seeing people's reaction and mainly fucking with people. And so he did what I like to call church hopping. He went and found this Christian girl to come talk to me about our Lord Jesus Savior. And so that night I took her to the park and I fucked her.

Starting point is 01:33:14 And like literally everything was going good for about three months. And then one night she looks at me and goes, I'm gonna go to the store and get some milk. And I was like, cool. Well, two weeks later we found her in a psychiatric ward. The next day over, sweating her up and down. This is a lot right here, I had to Google most of this.

Starting point is 01:33:28 Apparently, and she was swearing up and down that Hippecci helicopters were landing in my father's backyard talking to her about the Masons who apparently were after her because she knew that they killed her mother in some organization called the Red Coat was at our wedding. When we didn't even have a fucking wedding, we eloped. We didn't even have rings.

Starting point is 01:33:47 Tony, do you know what the fuck they give you when you ain't got rings? No. Pipe cleaners, mine was blue. Okay. All right, what's next on your list? All right, what was we? That was only number four, dude.

Starting point is 01:34:01 Damn, you didn't make it far. We got 50 on here. All right. I fell asleep in one school and woke up in another school. I walked over a hundred miles just to get away from my family. The best way I can describe myself, dude, is like the actual four is gone. Like for real. That's funny.

Starting point is 01:34:16 I stole my mom's car when I was 12. I actually did that a few times. You ever been in a situation where you did some shit as a kid and then you grow up wishing maybe they would've caught you just so you can brag about it and then you have to tell them? I do all the time. It's good in number six.

Starting point is 01:34:33 Glad you had a normal fucking life. I was running a pedo ring. I just felt like running. Ha ha ha. Jenny was six at the time. All right. She liked crack cocaine too. Crack cocaine, regular cocaine. That exact line.

Starting point is 01:34:52 I told somebody the exact line and DJ J, her father didn't think it was very funny. Keep going, what's next? Like the old Letterman top 10. This one just, number eight, this one just happened last year. I was shot several times with a pepperball gun infused with tear gas. That was by my aunt. Fuck you, Tina. Anyway. Keep going, number nine.

Starting point is 01:35:17 All right, all right. Fuck you, Tina. Oh, last year my father stole $30,000 from me. Fuck you again for that. How did you have $30,000? How did you make $30,000? All right, so again, all right, so I've been institutionalized since I was five years old. All right, in and out for a long time,

Starting point is 01:35:36 for six plus years until I was 18 and could say I'm never gonna go back. Literally just so these motherfuckers can go, okay, he's not in the picture, we got a family perfect thing. And when he gets out, we get paid. So that's been pretty much my entire life. What was the question?

Starting point is 01:35:50 Fuck you, Tina. Yeah, fuck you, Tina. How did you get $30,000? You saved it? All right, so, I took and I decided that I was gonna try and pursue comedy through welding, right? And it took a lot.

Starting point is 01:36:05 As you do. A lot of people go to LA, a lot of people to New York, a lot of people just start welding in South Carolina. Well, I'm a single father, so I had to figure out how to do this and do that at the same time. And so I was going to do travel welding and get paid for it.

Starting point is 01:36:17 Travel welding. Yeah. Interesting. And so anyway, for like four or five years, I wasn't accepting my disability because I thought that if you made too much money, then you're off disability. Apparently, that's not the case. And they owed me money and me and my father, we got the same first middle and last name.

Starting point is 01:36:33 And so he was like, oh, I'll take advantage of this situation. And so I ended up in a car. How you doing? You've been staring at me pretty hard. Oh, no, no, that's a psychotic episode you're having. Just watching you. You're on gonna hurt anyone. I swear I'm not. It's a psychotic episode you're having. The person's just watching you. You're on stage right now. Everyone's watching you.

Starting point is 01:36:48 Don't stare at me when you weld. What's next on the list? All right, but I've been a single father for 11 years. I've been on more medication than any child should ever have to take. Ooh, you're gonna like it. Let me stop you for a second. Let's talk about this 11-year-old. Yeah. Where are they right now?

Starting point is 01:37:05 Right now, he's in a car with a friend of mine. A red car under the bridge. Don't worry. The windows are up. He's not going to drown. Hold on. It's raining right now. Hold on. Hold on.

Starting point is 01:37:16 What? Yeah. All right. So we live in my car. Me, my camera guy and my son. My camera guy? Wait, what? You have a fucking camera guy and my son. My camera guy? Wait, what? You have a fucking camera guy? Yeah.

Starting point is 01:37:29 What? This is fucking awesome. Wait, what? Yeah, we're all going to die. What? You pay a camera guy? No, he was like getting kicked out of his place. And I was like, look, dude, I've been coming back and forth here for four years trying to figure out best ways to live

Starting point is 01:37:42 out of my car because I lost everything to COVID, dude. I lost my job, my house, my truck. And so I said, fuck it. If I'm going to struggle, then I'm going to choose my struggle, but I'm damn it, I'm going to do comedy and I'm going to be the best father I can be. So fuck anybody who says you can't. So your 11 year old is with a camera guy right now? Yeah, dude. Anybody who meets this kid loves him. He's smart, he's not shy, he's fucking outgoing. Literally he knows half the periodic table in the first 22 digits of pie.

Starting point is 01:38:11 I put a lot of time and effort into him. I've known I wanted to do comedy for a long time because if not for all these fucking crazy ass stories, why not comedy? Do you have a squirrel? Does he go to school the 11 year old or is he home school? Yeah, he goes to school right up the roadyear-old, or is he home school? He goes to school right up the road, dude.

Starting point is 01:38:26 Here in Austin? Yeah. It's in the back seat. But I thought you lived in South Carolina. I did. How long have you been here? About three and a half months. About that long.

Starting point is 01:38:36 No, some of this shit's new, some of this shit's old. About that long right there, that's how long he's been here. Read away, buddy. That looks like a hammock that Tyler keeps in. Read away buddy. I'll just say 50. How many keep going? That looks like a hammock that Tyler keeps in. Stop it. Let's see, I forgot what number it was on. Okay.

Starting point is 01:38:56 Give us another one off there. The end is just going to be a confessional. Oh yeah, number 14. You're going to like this one. You know what? Screw the list. I'm going to go back to some questions that I had. So the 11 year old goes to school,

Starting point is 01:39:09 you, him, and your camera guy all sleep in your car every night. Which it takes, if you actually think about it, it takes a lot of effort if you do it the right way. Like if you're seriously trying to make sure that DSS, which I've already been tested four times, comes up to your car, you gotta have the receipts, you gotta make sure your car is clean, you gotta make sure he's clean. Dude I've already been tested four times, comes up to your car. You got to have the receipts. You got to make sure your car is clean. You got to make sure he's clean. I only dress like this on Mondays.

Starting point is 01:39:29 Where do you guys shower at? All right, so I got a membership with a Y. We also, there's organizations that help you out with showers and stuff. Like I said, for three years I came out here scoping out everything to make sure it was possible. I wasn't nominated to 2017 Father of the Year Award through South Carolina for nothing. Is that true? Yes. You were almost the father of the year in South Carolina?

Starting point is 01:39:50 Yes, sir. Through man to man and in a decade. Who won? I don't know. I didn't show up. Fuck me. Tim Walz. I was nominated.

Starting point is 01:40:04 I was in Austin checking things out, so I couldn't pick up my award otherwise I would have been down there. I think it was Ted Bundy. I got that child can weld like a motherfucker. Holy shit. I like, y'all don't give a shit what they said. Do you perform other places sometimes to like practice for this or are you just focused on getting on Kill Tony?

Starting point is 01:40:23 I've been taking, because when I moved here, I didn't know nothing about comedy. I didn't know anything at all whatsoever. I didn't know a set from a bit, dude. Sure. Yeah. And so I basically told everybody, I was like, look, I'm going to use this as a, as a platform trying to figure out things I know and things I don't know to even try to ask about. And so that's all I've been doing is watching your show, taking notes and figuring out, okay, how to make a joke, where should I go and learn shit and shit like that. And that's how I've been starting.

Starting point is 01:40:49 Well, I mean, what can I say? Leslie, you are something else. Here's a book. What I'm going to do for you is I'm going to give you a big joke book. And for the 11 year old, I'm gonna give him a big joke book too. And I'm gonna give you some Zipix nicotine toothpicks. I need those. And for your camera guy, a small joke book. But that's for the camera guy.

Starting point is 01:41:23 But we gotta keep it moving along. But that's for the whole guy. Yeah. But we gotta keep it moving along. But that's for the whole fucking, the whole household, the whole car hold. Can I ask one favor? What? Can I ask one favor? Can you ask me for one favor? Hold on, band, hold on.

Starting point is 01:41:38 He's going to ask me for a favor, and here we go. Can I please find, show me where a camera is, and I just, y'all don't understand how much I hate this bitch, Tina. Oh! You're about to talk shit to your aunt right now? Yeah, dude. You see that guy with his hand up over there?

Starting point is 01:41:57 Look right at him. All right, Tina, fuck you, fuck you, son. I told you I'd get here, I told you I could do this. I told you I was fucking funny, fuck you, son. I told you I'd get here. I told you I could do this. I told you I was fucking funny. Fuck you. Wow. Wow. Wow.

Starting point is 01:42:08 Wow. Welcome to the first ever episode of Kill Tina. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Did I also mention I made D-Mandus a sweater?

Starting point is 01:42:22 I hope he got it. Did you get a sweater? Did someone give you a sweater lately, D? It said D-Mandus, I. I hope he got it. Did you get a sweater? Did someone give you a sweater lately, D? D-Mandus, I'm not gay on the back of it. Well, he wouldn't know if what it says. But I'm sure he did. And if not, he will. Ladies and gentlemen, make noise one more time for Leslie

Starting point is 01:42:39 Childs, everybody. Thank you. Wow. Wow. Wow. Proof that anybody can sign up for this show. Proof that anything can happen. That is a very interesting case. All right, thank you.

Starting point is 01:42:58 How about a hand for the lovely Heidi? All right. Let's get another bucket pull up. Make some noise for Matt Galletta, everybody. Matt Galletta. Thank you. How about a hand for the lovely Heidi? All right. Let's get another bucket pull-up. Make some noise for Matt Galletta, everybody. Matt Galletta. Interviews have been running long tonight. Here's Matt Galletta, everybody.

Starting point is 01:43:17 Yeah, it's nice to be in Texas where both abortion and jerking off's illegal. Yeah, man, damn, it's crazy to be here in Austin, Texas, man. Hey, you know what's really crazy is that when you go to Austin, Texas, porn is banned, right? Pornhub is illegal in Austin, Texas. I don't know if you guys know this. So I have to get ID and have my dick in my hand just to see

Starting point is 01:43:44 pornography. I'm like Edward Snowden when I jerk off. I delete most of my internet history. All right? It's like Texas, Pornhub, I have my dick in my hand and my ID. What was this? Like fucking on Epstein's Island? I got a show ID, I got my dick in my hand. What am I in a fucking children's playpen? I got a show ID, I got my dick in my hand. What am I, a fucking... Am I in children's playpen?

Starting point is 01:44:09 I got my dick in my hand, I got a show ID, what is this, Pete Diddy's mansion before the cop trade? God, Texas. I'm not a criminal for jerking off. Goddamn, that's a... What the fuck? Matt Galetta. Whoa, our first boo of the night, Matt! What's going on, Matt? How are you, buddy?

Starting point is 01:44:34 It's okay, over here, Matt. Focus on me, Matt. Oh my God. Matt, over here, Matt. Don't rattle them up, Matt. I'm trying to help you. Focus on me. What's up, bud? How you doing?

Starting point is 01:44:47 I'm doing great. Okay. How long have you been attempting standup comedy for? How long have you been a full grown sea monkey? I have been a sea monkey for a while. And I haven't grown any taller. I've been doing comedy on and off for about five years. Really? Where have've been doing comedy on and off for about five years. Really?

Starting point is 01:45:05 Where have you been doing it on and where have you been doing it off? There was a guy before you that has every mental illness in the world and a scroll, and he buried you with a shovel. He sleeps in a three bedroom car. You have no excuse right now. Okay, jakey.

Starting point is 01:45:33 While being almost father of the year. Did he come with the scroll of felonies when he came up here too? No, nothing you say is working, Matt. Theo bombed. My goodness gracious, look at you. Well, it's great to be here guys bombing in front of you. Wow, okay.

Starting point is 01:45:55 No really, I'm happy to be here either way. Okay, all right. Matt, where have you been doing this comedy at? I started doing comedy in New Jersey. Okay. You were in Jersey. All right. And then what happened? I basically been doing comedy since I was about 20 years old, and I was doing it. I live right near the Jersey shore,

Starting point is 01:46:17 so Rutgers has the stress factory of any brand, so I was doing comedy there for a while. Okay. And they like you out there? I guess, yeah. They do? No, they don't like me. No, they like me fine, man. I was just doing it. I always loved comedy. I wanted to do it. I actually had a month off of not coming to do comedy to come here.

Starting point is 01:46:40 And so, you know, I'm happy to just do it again for you guys. And even if I didn't do well, I fucking love it, Matt. Right, you love it no matter what. No matter what. Okay, great. What do you do for work, Matt? I, uh, I'm basically unemployed. How do you survive? I got hit by a Jewish person and...

Starting point is 01:46:59 Whoa. That is nothing. They're not good at driving. They hit me and then I got money. What do you mean you got hit? They hit me, uh, from is nothing. They're not good at driving. They hit me and then I got money. What do you mean you got hit? They hit me from the back. Yeah, with a car. With a car. You got rear ended.

Starting point is 01:47:11 I got rear ended by a Jew. Is that why you look like a balding Hitler right now? Yeah. Side, short, fight. Wow. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Jesus Christ. I was just putting my height.

Starting point is 01:47:22 I'm the same height. Nine. Nine, nine. Scheisse. Okay, don't feed into it, whoa. Jesus Christ. I was just putting my height. I'm the same height. Nein. Nein, nein. Scheiße. Okay. Don't feed into it, Tyler. Jesus. Don't start speaking German to the Nazi up here.

Starting point is 01:47:33 Jesus. Das ist nicht gut. Wow. I'm just going bald. I just had a comb over. There ain't no Nazi things. Okay. All right.

Starting point is 01:47:41 Just rocking a comb over. Okay. By the way, Tony, thank you so much for your roast. That was... that what you did with Trump's rally. That was awesome. Okay. Well, yeah, it's true. You guys don't like what he did? The Jews hate him. The Jews hate this guy.

Starting point is 01:47:56 I mean, really do. Ah, Matt, Matt, Matt, Matt, Matt. What's an interesting thing about your life? What's a redeeming quality about you? Everybody hates you right now. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. What's gonna make everyone like you? Oh, Jesus.

Starting point is 01:48:12 I gotta tap dance or sing a song like all these other fucking people? Jesus Christ. No, I honestly, one redeeming, I don't know if I have a redeeming quality, but I used to, you know, I used to, I used to be a musician I used to play music. What kind of music did you play? I played basically metal music.

Starting point is 01:48:31 What did you do in the band? I played guitar and then I also do vocals. Okay how about we play some metal music and we see your vocals. I can request a song. What? You want me to do a song? Is that what we're doing right now, right? Not all of it. I mean. Obviously. Out there. Here's a little joke book.

Starting point is 01:48:51 There he goes. Macaletta, ladies and gentlemen. Get it. There he goes. Thank you. Macaletta, everybody. There he goes. All right. You guys still having fun out there? There he goes. Alright.

Starting point is 01:49:05 You guys still having fun out there? Yeah! Let's do one last bucket pull. I pulled, we haven't had a female up yet tonight, so I pulled until I got a woman. Here we go. Make some noise for a minute from Stacey Ross, everybody. Stacey Ross.

Starting point is 01:49:22 Hey, everybody, Daisy Ross. What's up, Austin? I love this thick-filled room. It's awesome. I love Kill Tony, but more about me. It's a little wet out there. It's a little wet out there. It's a little wet out there. This is what we do for fucking comedy. I love it. Any chuckle fuckers? I mean, I have to be funny for you to want to chuckle my fucker, I guess,

Starting point is 01:50:00 but all my ex-boyfriends said I taste funny, so that's why I'm here. All my ex-boyfriends said I taste funny, so that's why I'm here. It's worth something, right? Are you guys really... I understand I'm from LA. I want to say I'm not liberal, but look at me. Right? I mean, you knew what I was gonna look like, right? No. Ha-ha! But you pretty much knew, like, you heard the voice.

Starting point is 01:50:33 You're like, I know what she's gonna look like. Thank you, guys. Oh, my goodness. Stacey Ross. Can we bring Matt Galletta back up here? This is crazy. Stacy, Stacy, Stacy. Oh my goodness.

Starting point is 01:50:51 I'm still alive, I know. Shocking. Stacy, welcome. Welcome, welcome. How's your life going? How you doing? Talking to the microphone, Stacy. Yeah, I forgot. You're living your dream right now.

Starting point is 01:51:11 You're requiem for a dream. This is one of... This is probably the highlights of my life right now. Yes, absolutely. I'm gonna cry. Right, definitely. Ever since you left the band Motley Crue, this is the new highlight of your life right now. I'm gonna cry. Right, definitely. Ever since you left the band Motley Crue, this is the new highlight of your life.

Starting point is 01:51:30 They didn't have room for you. Motley Crue. What do you mean? Because I had to leave them. Because I had to leave the band, nevermind. Okey dokey. Didn't you say I left Motley Crue? Okay. All right. Wow. I'll fuck her. That's the best offer I've had all day. Thank you. I'm a fugitive

Starting point is 01:51:59 from Delta Airlines. Yeah. Stacey, how long have you been doing stand-up comedy? Almost five years. Five years. Off and on or on? On. Okay. On myth. Okay.

Starting point is 01:52:19 On myth. All right. What's the coolest gig you've ever done? This room right here right now. Okay, that's cool. Good answer. This town is fucking awesome. You live here?

Starting point is 01:52:31 No, I'm here for a week. Okay. So I'm leaving at four in the morning. You're leaving at four in the morning? Yeah. I was here doing shit all week. I'll drive you to the airport, don't worry. He's gonna have to drop you off at the frontier gate though.

Starting point is 01:52:47 You're gonna have to walk a little bit. Why you gotta do that to me? Oh my goodness. Stacey. Yeah, you've missed me. I know. Me? Yeah, you. You were on the show before in LA? Like six times. That's right.

Starting point is 01:53:05 I kind of remember that. You had a different name then, correct? Lady Blue Ball or Blue Ball. That's right. I kind of remember that. It's a story. It's a good one. What is the story?

Starting point is 01:53:20 Well, I'm going to find out later. Lady Blue Ball. This is a real... Nothing's so good for me at all. You have to sharpen your skills. I was playing a lot of poker, and I wanted to have my game all about poker, so I'm rubbing one out before I play in a poker game. And then I'm gonna have a poker game.

Starting point is 01:53:37 Ian, I'm gonna have you hand her this. I'm out of little joke books, Stacy, and we're running out of time. We're gonna keep the show moving. Thank you so much. Make some noise for Stacey, everyone. Good luck. This thing took a...

Starting point is 01:53:49 Don't trip over that. You're caught up in the microphone. Take the microphone out. We don't need you going down even further. Thank you, yes. Don't want to be... It's pleasure. Pleasure.

Starting point is 01:53:57 There she goes. Stacey, everybody. Pleasure. No, Tyler. No, don't, Tyler. No, come back. No. Here goes Stacey, everybody. No, Tyler, no, don't, Tyler, no, come back. No.

Starting point is 01:54:06 He's soaking wet. Everybody's wet. Soaking wet. It is, from what we understand, it is downpouring outside, which clearly makes the mentally ill a little more mentally ill. Hey, we still having fun?

Starting point is 01:54:26 I got good news, ladies and gentlemen. We are done with the bucket pulls. There's only one person that can close an episode like this. And it is indeed the record holder for all time appearances, all time interviews. I mean, what can I say about him? He is the vanilla gorilla, the Memphis Strangler, the Big Red Machine.

Starting point is 01:54:47 This is William Montgomery! That lady literally just touched my dick when she walked past me. On the way here, my girlfriend and I pulled up to an intersection and there was a homeless guy wearing a Nirvana shirt and my girlfriend rolls down the window and says, name four songs, dumbass. My agent called me the other day and said he thinks there might be a World War III, and I said, great, could there be a part in it for me? But then I started thinking about it, and I think the last thing we need is another

Starting point is 01:55:34 Hollywood reboot. What's harder, finding where Zwaldo are going to a rap concert and trying to figure out which one on stage is the rapper. It's like they're all kind of wearing the same thing on stage, but they're not. Okay, that's my time. Buck L. William lights out Montgomery. Hell yes. Welcome, William.

Starting point is 01:56:03 So nice to be here, Tony. I love it. God, my throat is really hurting right now. I'm a little worried. I don't know. Please somebody needs to please, maybe one of y'all knows, but I wonder, I've been drinking so much honey recently. I've been drinking so much throat coat, tea with honey. I literally, I will drink a full bottle in two nights.

Starting point is 01:56:23 I just wonder if you can have too much sugar and honey. Yes. Can you? Yes. What happens if you have too much honey? You die. Pfft. Why don't you look it up?

Starting point is 01:56:35 Look up a maximum amount of honey. Diabetes. This isn't her night. The answer. You've had a sore throat for absolutely months now. It's horrible, Tony, I'm not even kidding. I think I've done something weird. And hold on, who is that guy?

Starting point is 01:56:52 That is on the guitar. He's been weirding me out. Red Band, do you know that guy at all? I actually have no idea. That is indeed Sean Greenberg joining us tonight. He absolutely rocked it out earlier during the pre-show. I was up there watching. He's a freak of nature.

Starting point is 01:57:10 Cool. Nice to meet you, Sean. I just had never seen him before. I've never noticed him before. Yeah. Yeah. What do you think about him? He's good.

Starting point is 01:57:22 Hold on. Can you think about it? Hold on can you do something else that was cool something else cool. Yeah, what else you got Sean? Let's fucking flex over here a little bit Sean Greenberg While he plays guitar, you know what Sean hold on a second Let's do something fun while you wail on the guitar. I'm gonna name some of the side effects of having too much honey. And here we go. Weezing and asthmatic symptoms. Dizziness. Nausea.

Starting point is 01:58:00 Vomiting. Weakness. Excessive perspiration. Fainting. Irregular heart rhythms. AKA arrhythmia. Cardiovascular disease. Stinging after topical application.

Starting point is 01:58:16 Keep playing cool things, Sean. Like change it up a little bit. There you go. Stinging after topical application. Stinging after topical application. Stinging after topical application. Keep playing cool things, Sean. Like change it up a little bit. There you go. Stinging after topical application. It is to be used as a natural sweetener,

Starting point is 01:58:37 cough suppressant, and topical product for minor sores and wounds. Giving honey to a baby under the age of one year can cause a rare but serious gastrointestinal position called infant botulism caused by exposure to clostridum botulism spores. Bacteria from the spores can grow and multiply in a baby's intestines, producing a dangerous toxin. -♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh Too much honey. After studying all of this. Woo! Woo! Sean, can you play behind your back? Cause that all sounds pretty cool.

Starting point is 01:59:31 Can you really play behind your back? Can you play behind your back? No, he doesn't do that. He likes to keep it all in front of him. So, do you heard the side effects of having too much honey? Does any of that apply to you? It's Tony, you're gonna, you're gonna hate me right now. Oh boy, you have...

Starting point is 01:59:52 Guess what I've been doing. Yep. What have you been doing? Oh boy. You're gonna... Okay. Seriously. Just do it.

Starting point is 02:00:00 You're gonna hate to hear what I'm about to tell you. I'm not kidding. There's a new... Okay, there's a new Call of Duty, and it's a video game, and I have almost all of my submachine guns gold-camouflaged right now. We've had... It was a 2... It was a 2XP weekend.

Starting point is 02:00:20 I have been playing it so much, Tony, so I came up here a little. How does your throat hurt if you spend multiple days a week not working, because you basically, I've noticed you've started taking Tuesday, Wednesdays, and Thursdays off. I have to, or I start feeling insane. Right. I start feeling crazy.

Starting point is 02:00:40 I have to have some sort of downtime. I have to have some sort of downtime. OK, cool. I start feeling nuts. OK. Like really crazy. I have to have some sort of downtime. I have to have some sort of downtime. Okay, cool. I start feeling nuts. Okay. Like really crazy. We talked about that. I started feeling really crazy recently.

Starting point is 02:00:51 If I start feeling like I'm working a little too hard, I start feeling insane. You call what you do. Yeah, getting fucking, that sick sub machine guns. I got gold camouflage. Yes, I was working. That literally was 24 hours of playing. I don't play games like that.

Starting point is 02:01:09 How long does it take to beat a game like Call of Duty? Is there an end? You don't beat it. It beats you. You just keep on playing, yeah. Wow. But I've been doing that. Yeah, I gotta relax.

Starting point is 02:01:18 I've been feeling crazy. I gotta take a little break. I mean, you don't wanna hear that. I gotta take some sort of a little break just generally. I hear that. I got to take some sort of a little break just generally. I hear you. Sunday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday, and sometimes Friday, Saturday. Do you think maybe you're doing too many cameos?

Starting point is 02:01:38 Is that what might be driving you crazy? By the way, it would drive any of us crazy. What? We did as many cameos as you. Well, I mean, we're getting into the Christmas season. I mean, things are really ramping up, Tony. I mean, this is the most hectic time of the year for my ass. I mean, it's Thanksgiving.

Starting point is 02:01:58 Fucking Thanksgiving. What else you got? I mean, it's a lot of, there's not really a lot of Thanksgiving. You get a lot of Kwanzaa requests? No. No. I've never...

Starting point is 02:02:09 No. How about Hanukkah? I refuse them every now and again. No. There's just seriously every now and again, I'm like, hold on. This person's trying to trick me right now. And they've all happened to be for those ones. Okay.

Starting point is 02:02:24 So other than Call of Duty, what else have you been doing, William? That's about it. We saw each other at the airport. I know. We saw each other. Yeah. That was the day I got banned. Really? Yes. That was the flight that I tweeted the pin.

Starting point is 02:02:43 Did you get banned, too? Huh? I got banned from Delta Airlines. So, you saw him. Yes. Really? Yes, right, that was the flight that I tweeted the pin. Did you get banned too? Huh? I got banned from Delta Airlines. So you saw him. Yes. And then you got on your Delta flight. We saw each other about 50 times because we had to go through the TSA pre-check so we

Starting point is 02:02:54 had to make conversation. Imagine that. About 50 times we did it. We did pretty well. I know. And then I got banned from Delta Airlines about 10 minutes later. So... It's like a side-scaled episode. We're just bringing it full circle. Let me ask you this. When you got on that Delta flight,

Starting point is 02:03:15 you saw the flight attendant walk by you, right? And did you take the picture? I fingered her first. I didn't... Okay. No, I'm just kidding. No, no, I didn't. Absolutely insane thing to say. Yeah, I didn't do that. So the flight attendant... I'm just kidding, no, no, no, I didn't, I didn't. That's an absolutely insane thing to say. Yeah, I didn't do that. So the flight attendant. This week it's a woman.

Starting point is 02:03:27 Was it a woman? Who's to say? You get in trouble for even, really. Vote, make sure you vote. Did you? End the bullshit. So you took a picture, was it like the first time you saw it

Starting point is 02:03:43 where you're like, oh, fuck, fuck, fuck, like that? Or did you wait a second? I'm tired of treating adults like kids with the rainbow bullshit. It's enough. Yeah. Yeah. All right, well, I was doing so good until now.

Starting point is 02:03:57 No, it's good. It's great. I'm just curious about it. Yeah, I took a photo and I posted it. And I actually deleted the photo because somebody's, her face was in it and her daughter reached out and said, I took a photo and I posted it and I actually deleted the photo because somebody's her face was in it and her daughter Reached out and said I agree with you I hate the woke shit and her friend reached out because I hate the fucking woke shit

Starting point is 02:04:13 But you can you take it down because her face is in it. I took it down still got man. Wow Yeah, wow, I traction on Twitter boy. Yeah. Yeah, go ahead and retweet that. Yeah, that's... Tie the fish, it's gonna be right there. F-I-S-C-H. Wait, so what do you mean? You got kicked off of an airplane? Is that what all this is about? No, no, I got banned for a tweet. I took a photo and tweeted it later on,

Starting point is 02:04:37 and banned for life. Gotta be careful. Yeah. I know, it happens to people. William's always very well behaved on airplanes. What's the craziest thing you've ever seen on an airplane, William? You have any memories?

Starting point is 02:04:52 Honestly, Tony, there was a time we were, it's been so scary recently. Because yes, you're technically correct, Tony. On Sundays, I'm not doing anything. But I generally sleep an hour to three. So I have to nap. I have to nap. I'm not doing anything, but I generally sleep an hour to three, so I have to nap, I have to nap, or I'm not doing good. And it was so scary, I started on these early flights, I started having these nightmares

Starting point is 02:05:12 that I find myself in the actual airplane, and the airplane starts crashing. And Tony, there was one one day where it was when I was opening up for your ass, and you were sitting in front of me, and it's like I wake up and I'm on the plane and I see you looking out of the window and like rain starts coming in

Starting point is 02:05:31 because there's some issue with the plane. Sounds like a Delta flight. But that was a scary one so now I can't go to. Right. So all the yelling it's like, because your throat's always sore. Have you gone to a doctor for this? No. I don't have health insurance.

Starting point is 02:05:54 What do you mean you don't have health insurance? I don't have health insurance. William, you're rich. I'm 37. Why do you pretend like you... And I'm rich. I mean, I think that could mean all kinds of things. Yes.

Starting point is 02:06:11 I mean, I currently thank the Lord above. I don't have any debt or anything, but I don't know. I mean, I think it's very much so all relative about somebody spending. I think there's all kinds of stuff that goes into that. I don't know. Yeah. Things thank the Lord have been all right. I mean, again, get a Christmas cameo from me. I mean, they're wonderful.

Starting point is 02:06:30 Get one of those, but. It's a great ad. It's just been hard and now it's raining outside and I gotta go play some more Call of Duty. I don't even wanna play it anymore, Tony, but I'm gonna be playing it all night long tonight. All night long tonight. And it's gonna be raining outside,

Starting point is 02:06:45 and I roll up some little joints and sit by the television and start talking shit and start to some of the fucking little people on the fuck. I love it. Wow. Well, William, what can I say? Is there anything that you're passionate about this week?

Starting point is 02:07:03 Anything else other than Call of Duty? Getting my SMG gold. KappaPla! Whoa! Oh my goodness. Did that hurt when you just did that? Yes. Oh, okay. In that case, we'll put a ribbon on it. William Montgomery, ladies and gentlemen. Ian Bagg is on tour.

Starting point is 02:07:22 Go to ianbagg.com with two Gs. I-A-N-B-A-G-G.com. Tyler Fisher is on tour. Go to ianbagg.com with two G's, I-A-N-B-A-G-G.com. Tyler Fisher's on tour. Ian, thank you so much. How about a hand for Ian Bagg? Thanks for having me. How about a hand for Tyler Fisher? F-I-S-C-H.com for tour dates.

Starting point is 02:07:39 He's on tour. The drawing from Ryan J. Ebell is in. It's amazing. Let's see what Chris Rogers drew over there. What do we got? Oh shit, Trump and Biden. Look out, classic characters from the show. Thank you to Squarespace,

Starting point is 02:07:54 Blue Chew, PrizePix, Game Time, Talkspace, Zippix, Toothpix. And to you guys, the audience, thank you guys so much. Red Band. Love you guys. We love audience, thank you guys so much. Red Band. Love you guys. We love you guys. Thank you so much.

Starting point is 02:08:09 God bless America. Thank you. Good night everybody. I'm going to be a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a

Starting point is 02:08:27 little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a

Starting point is 02:08:35 little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a

Starting point is 02:08:43 little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a I'm gonna be a good boy. Thanks for watching! you

KILL TONY - #692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER

There aren't comments yet for this episode. Click on any sentence in the transcript to leave a comment.