KILL TONY - #697 - RFK JR + ARI SHAFFIR

Episode Date: December 24, 2024

R.F.K JR (Kyle Dunnigan), Ari Shaffir, William Montgomery, Ari Matti, Kam Patterson, Hans Kim, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, Jon Deas, Matthew Muehling, Joe White, Kristie Nova, Yoni, Troy Conrad, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban - RECORDED– 12/09/2024 TONY HINCHCLIFFE @TONYHINCHCLIFE TONYHINCHCLIFFE.COM BRIAN REDBAN @REDBAN DEATHSQUAD.TV SUNSETSTRIPATX.COM Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Death Squad.tv, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out TonyHinchcliff.com for everything the Golden Pony, Tony Hinchcliff. You can also check out ShopSquad.tv for Death Squad merch, hats, mugs, whatever! ShopSquad.tv. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. The uncensored live stream of two nights here from Austin, Texas December 30th and 31st. You can snuggle up in the cold with your loved ones or all by yourself or with a bottle of tequila or whatever you're into in this crazy world.

Snuggle up, stay warm December 30th and 31st with the completely uncensored Kill Tonys Live from the HEB Center in Austin, Texas. This is a new super annual amazing event. It is our biggest two night event of the year and we're super excited about it. It is on sale now, killtonylive.com. Get it for your loved ones, get it for yourself. Love it or hate it, live, December 30th and 31st. Go! We are Jack! Hey, this is Redman, coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas. For a brand new episode of Kale Dining, give it up for Tony H. Grant! Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh?

Yippee! Make some noise for Brian Wright Band, ladies and gentlemen. Keep it going for the best damn band in all the land. That's the Kill Tony Band. The great Michael Gonzalez on the drums. Fernando Castillo, Raul Vallejo, and Carlos Sosa on the horns. Matt Mueling on the electric guitar, John Dees on the keys, and the great and powerful Dee Madness on the bass guitar, everybody. Having fun in here tonight, feels electric. Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible.

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["Bet 365 Theme Song"] Are you guys ready to start tonight's episode? Well, here we go. This is going to be fun. Ladies and gentlemen, we have one guest tonight and one guest only, and I couldn't be more excited about it. One of my favorite human beings on planet Earth, one of the funniest people I know. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise

for the great, the powerful, this is RFK Jr. Wow, live in the flesh. Good to see you again. The great... Alright, great to see you, Tony. I'm so glad you're here, RFK Jr. You're one of my favorite people. I should probably say that I can't...

I can't stay too long. I have a German Shepherd slow roasting on my grill that I have to tend to. I'll be here for most of the show. I'm very excited to have you. You've actually been on this show before at the L.A. Forum. You did a minute. Your wife Cheryl came out. How's Cheryl doing?

Who? Who's that? Yeah. So you know how it works. And indeed there is a bucket. I don't know how many signups. Usually about two, oh, 232 tonight. Okay.

There's some people missing. Maybe home for the holidays or something. 232 human beings signed up tonight inside of this bucket. Absolutely anything can happen. If I pull their name out, they get 60 seconds. You know their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then, or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear.

I'm gonna let this lucky human in the front pick the first name, hand it off to me. You don't have to read it, sir, it's okay. There you go. Oh, okay, it's okay. There you go. Oh, okay, that's actually a familiar name. We've seen that before. We're gonna go wrangle that person from across the street. They're all at a bar,

and, because there's so many of them, we can't possibly hold them here. So they're gonna go get him from across the street. While they're waiting, maybe I should apologize real quickly because I'm low on electrolytes and I'm gonna be sipping this fermented owl urine throughout the show.

I wanna apologize now for doing that. Oh, Jesus Christ. You know, you know, owl urine doesn't taste as good as you think it would. Oh, this is gonna be epic. And it's going to start with an unbelievable bang, ladies and gentlemen. This is a very, very special episode. And it's going to start with an unbelievable bang, ladies and gentlemen.

This is a very, very special episode. Every once in a while, you know, I like to do things a little different. I like to keep the fans on their toes and, you know, mix it up. So while we wrangle your first bucket full of the night, I would like to present to you your first comic of the night. He is a regular.

He is a Hall of Famer. He is the record holder for all time appearances on this show, all time interviews on this show. Some people call him the Tyrant of Temecula, the Vermont Vascular Vagrant, the Vanilla Gorilla, the Memphis Strangler. This is the Big Red Machine, a brand new minute from the one and only William Montgomery. ["Hot To Go"] H-O-T-T-O-G-O.

Hot to go. Sounds like something Hans Kim's mom would say when she's handing a customer food. My Spotify rap says my top song for 2024 was crop dusting the funeral home during visitations. The guy who shot the UnitedHealthcare CEO in New York City was caught today to McDonald's in Pennsylvania.

Apparently he was meeting with a hamburglar to get some tips on poisoning people. I'm planning a bar mitzvah, and at the last minute, the rabbi comes, cancels on me because we're not Jewish and I don't have a son, so yeah, I'm back on the Hamas train. Okay, that's my time. Thank you, Tony. Yeah, William Lights Out Montgomery,

the vagrant of Vermont. Yeah, the... Hello, my friend. How exciting. You going first? It was so exciting because, Tony, I haven't... I wasn't able to play any Call of Duty this weekend. I was in Buffalo this weekend,

so I am about to play some motherfucking Call of Duty, Tony! Whoa, look at this. I currently, and Tony, but here's the problem. I currently only have 20 gold, or no, excuse me, 20 diamond camouflages for my guns. I need 33, so I need to get 13 more diamond camouflages. This week, Tony, before I go to Indianapolis, man! Whoa, this is very exciting.

I don't know how many of you know this or have been noticing or paying attention to the episodes, but lately, William hasn't been screaming that much because he's been having a sore throat. Your throat isn't sore at all this week. No, it hurts like a motherfucker, don't it? But I'm just so excited about Call of Duty tonight. I'm not even kidding, I'm about to play for 10 hours.

I'm about to pop a little Adderall, drink some Espresso's. Really? I don't know, I mean, it is kind of late. It will be kind of late, but I might tomorrow. I probably will when I wake up tomorrow. Incredible. Would you like to, you have any questions, or would you like to talk to the great RFK Jr. here live in the flesh?

Yeah, RFK. So what is going to happen if there's another pandemic or something, or are you all going to force people to get the vaccinations? I mean, what are you'all gonna do there? Well, I'll tell you what I'm gonna force you to do, because I can see by your sunken eyes, you don't have enough iron in your blood. You're losing blood. And so what I want you to do for me is, I want you to save your feces, and I want you to leave it out in the sun.

And then I want you to just sprinkle that on your oatmeal in the morning, and you'll thank then, now why don't you just sprinkle that on your oatmeal in the morning and you'll, you'll thank me, you'll thank me for it, trust me. And that's so weird you say that because when I was in Buffalo this weekend, I ate a whole bunch of the egg rolls with pizza inside and I had really bad shits today. I'm gonna have to get all my all brand buds,

I'm gonna have to do something, Tony, it's really bad. I've doo-dooed twice today, and it's always bad to doo-doo. And then when you get up off the toilet and you get in the shower to clean off, you got a doo-doo again. You know that's a... Normally I can get all the doo-doo out of me. But the two today, they were still inside of me

when I got in the shower. How were your shows in Buffalo? How did they go? Went good. Yeah? Oh, my good. Yeah? Oh my gosh. Yeah.

Oh, Tony. Oh my gosh. No, it was wonderful. It was the strangest thing. So I'm talking to this table of people. They're sitting very close to the front. And I'm just this guy and this girl. And I start kind of aggressively, what's that? It's owl... It's fermented owl urine.

You know, what's tough about it is the owls have a... what's called a colloquial, which is the vagina and the asshole are one thing. So it's more like a vassal of sorts. And so what I have to do to get the urine is I have to filter out the feces, which you can never get all the feces out. Weirdly enough, that looks very similar to the antifreeze I was feeding to Red Band's fucking mom

to keep her ass sick last year when I was living over at her house. Wow. Yup, I was giving her fucking dumb ass antifreeze at night, dude. Whoa. And she get real sleepy then, red man. Wow, making yo mama sleepy.

Here he is with a big retort coming. He's grabbed at the purple. So wait a minute, I got this report this weekend that you made a woman cry and she had to leave with her husband. Is this true? Yeah, it was the strangest thing. And I was telling the guy he needs to divorce the woman.

I mean, it was the craziest behavior. I was just kind of aggressively talking towards them. And then I look back after like 30 seconds, and the woman has her hands in her face, and I'm like, bitch, are you crying? And she was fucking crying, and then I kind of went after her stupid fucking ass, because it just seems like such weird behavior.

And then they ended up leaving, and they were trying to steal the drinks as well. They tried to leave without paying for their food. So they were weird. I don't know, it was very strange. You told the man, is this your bitch? And then she was crying, and then you said, you need to control your bitch. Yeah, I was fucking out of control, Tony. He really did. And then they fucking leave.

It was fun, though, it really was. And then I was like, I was fucking out of control, Tony. He really did. And then they fucking leave. It was fun, though. It really was. It sounds like a good time. I mean, we've been getting these reports

about these weekends you have. But this is two weekends in a row. I know, where somebody's crying, or there's a big disaster with somebody in the crowd. I know. Like my mom, you seem very mean to women. Are you gay or something, maybe? Are you a little gay boy?

Wow, look at Red Man roasting. I wouldn't tell you. Whoa. Whoa, secret gay man and in the closet comedian. Wow. You keep that type of behavior up, you might get a Netflix special real fast. An in-the-closet comedian. Wow. You keep that type of behavior up,

you might get a Netflix special real fast, William. All right, well, anything else we should know about, about your crazy weekend and your life and everything? Um... Getting a little better at Tetris. I've been playing Tetris on the Game Boy in, like, the airports and stuff. I'm getting a little better at Tetris. I've been playing Tetris on the Game Boy in like the airports and stuff. I'm getting a little bit better. I started looking it up on YouTube.

I'm looking up different techniques. I'm seeing how to play. I'm figuring out how to play. Wow, absolutely incredible. I mean, what can I say that I haven't said about you a thousand times before? You're a legend. We love you.

The new minutes have piled up. You are the record holder. You are the backbone of the show. Red Band thinks you're gay. Yeah, I know. That's kind of weird. That is kind of weird. That's a new angle.

That's a new angle coming from Red Band. Red Band has figured out that calling you gay is something. Did you color your beard, Red Band? You got a little color in that, don't you? Did you color your beard red, man? You got a little color in that, don't you? Did you do some just for men gel? It looks a lot darker than normal. I gotta tell you. I did. Well, you look good.

I put a little bit too much just for men. It looks so natural, no one can tell. Yeah. You wouldn't know anything about this. I wouldn't. No, I don't have a beard. I cannot grow a beard. There's not enough testosterone in the world for me to be able to grow a beard. I see these, I've seen, I've been. No, I don't have a beard. I cannot grow a beard. There's not enough testosterone in the world

for me to be able to grow a beard. I see these, I've seen, I've been seeing these, these people on like CNN, these trans correspondents, like these women that have turned into men. I saw one the other day had a full fucking beard. I'm like, this is bullshit. Like how the fuck are the trans people getting more testosterone into their bloodstream than me?

I'm truly jealous of these women becoming more men than I am. Like, I'm a man and I'm on testosterone and I have a penis and balls. And I still can't grow a full beard. One day? One day. One day.

One day. One day. I'll keep my fingers and my legs crossed. Ladies and gentlemen, the show has begun with the stylings of the great and powerful William Montgomery. Where do we go from here? What a way to start. That's normally how you end.

It's like a Tarantino film. It started with the ending. And I did meet Tarantino, one of my new best friends, no big deal. Your first bucket poll is a legend, ladies and gentlemen. I remember this guy very clearly. Very interesting human being. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the long-awaited return of Sturm Worm. How could we forget from years ago, Sturm Worm? One more time for Sturm Worm. How could we forget from years ago, Sturm Worm?

One more time for Sturm Worm. You, you. Yeah, so about a year ago, I got a lap dance from a guy. And I came in my, couple of days later, I downloaded the Grindr app. Within an hour, I was getting head in a parking lot. Ten other messages from dudes within a one mile radius

begging me to suck my dick. You know? It's always looked like the gays are having more fun. After extensive research, I've come to the conclusion that theory is correct. I mean, my life is so gay, I might as well be fucking dudes. Pretty sure I'm not a homosexual, but I can't keep going along with this farce that I'm in some stalemate tie where all of y'all have been the straightest motherfucker

that's ever lived. Fighting off the gay is exhausting. To tie a ribbon on it from this point forward. There it is. Sturm Worm, everybody. Just basically kind of just talking about being gay. No real definitive jokes throughout the entire thing. Just kind of, kind of coming out of the closet.

Is that all, is that true? Is that real? It's all true. It's all, kinda coming out of the closet. Is that all, is that true? Is that real? It's all true. It's all true. So you really did. You got a lap dance from a guy and you're like, I kinda like this. I was like, yeah, I gotta go through more with this.

And then I went, I did the Tinder thing, I mean the Grindr thing. Like it was as lame as every hookup I ever had with a girl. Like it was. So this is all new to you. This is your first gay stuff that's ever happened. Oh, yeah.

This is like two and a half years ago at this point. This is six months after I was on the podcast last time. Yeah, you were on years ago. I remember you. Something's different though, right? You have facial hair, you have, you have longer hair. No, no, same look. Same look? I got a podcast now though. Nobody cares about that.

Trust me, it's the illest podcast in history. Look, you're making people leave, Sturmworm. Please, do not promote your podcast. Stop, relax, relax. Let's get back to this becoming gay all of a sudden thing because it sounds like a lot of fun. Will you help William out? Okay, you go right ahead.

Will you help our friend William out? There you go. Yeah, I heard, I was cracking up. I heard what the whole thing was about. Call back to five minutes ago. Okay, so let's stick with it here, Sturmwurm. So where did you get this lap dance from a guy? Where did you possibly go?

I went to a gay club. Okay, where were you at? Jersey. Jersey. Okay, what was the name of the gay club? Did it have a cool gay name? I don't know whether they're supposed to be doing that in there, so I don't wanna air out the name of the place.

You don't wanna get in trouble with your local gay club? Right now? No, like I don't know whether that's supposed to be going on in there, so I just don't wanna have to answer. A lap dance? I mean, it was a do that work there. It was like a go-go dancer. Uh-huh.

Man. It was arousing. I think same gender lap dances are arousing. Okay, but that was your first one. That was my first one. So that happens, and then you get on, that you sign up for a gay dating app. Oh yeah.

Okay, and then what happened? Like I said, instantly, like I even have a picture up, instantly I'm getting a million messages saying, I'll suck your dick right now. And did you take these people up on your offer? I took one of them up on the offer. But it was... No, you go ahead, it was... No, I was one of them up on their offer. No, go ahead. It was...

It was... I didn't even get hard. It was the same problem when I tried to hook up with chicks back in the day. When you're under pressure, it's just tough to get aroused. Back in the day, when Kill Tony was at the comedy store, there was mad dudes who used to always say that they don't come during sex. That's not a real thing for guys. If you're turned on, you come unless you...

unless you purposely don't come. But they weren't not coming. They just weren't getting turned on. You're like a rapper that doesn't rhyme. I could rhyme, though. No, no, no, no, no. Nobody wants that. Do you have a gay voice, or is that how you talk to these guys?

No, this is how I talk to everybody. You just talk like that. Like, hey,? Nah, just how much I talk to everybody. Like, hey, sorry, I just can't get hot right now. That's a good old Jersey gay. So where did this attempted blowjob happen? The one that you couldn't get hard for? You go to his place? It was a parking lot.

A parking lot? Man, you just do gay stuff in inappropriate places. I mean, I was... Have you ever done anything gay where gay stuff should happen? Like a bedroom? I gave, a week later, I gave a guy a head in his bedroom. I don't fucking care, I'm out here, yo.

Like, if you sexually suppress, then you're less attractive to girls. Like, do I think I don't like girls? No, I do think I like girls, but am I fucked up in the head sexual? Yeah, I've been fucked up in the head sexual for 20 years. I've been checked out of the game.

I just tried to be a rapper. It didn't work out, so... RFK Jr. This is why we've got to stop with the goddamn vaccines. Yeah. Yeah. Yo, they got... Yo, they got my water out there.

Can I get it? Hey, Tony, could I plug something really quickly? Yes. I just want to tell everybody my Christmas album, RF's Rockin' Christmas is dropping tomorrow at 930. I sing all the classics like, uh, Hold on, I want to clear my throat. Go ahead, RFK. Yeah. Chestnuts roasting on an open fire

Jack Frost nipping at your nose, Son of a bitch. Come, they told me, parum pum pum pum. Pum pum pum pum. Pum pum pum pum. Sit back around the fire with your family and enjoy RFK Junior's Rockin' Christmas. Where can people find this?

Where can people find RFK Junior's Rockin' Christmas. Where can people find this? Where can people find RFK Junior's Rockin' Christmas? Silent night! Holy night! God damn it. Probably, I don't know, Walmart or something. So, Sturmwurm, you were gonna say something. Two things. I got water back there, can I get it?

Heidi was gonna bring it to me. You need water right now? Yeah, yeah, my mouth is made of dry. Okay, yes. Okay. And then the other thing, thanks. And then the other thing is, I have an OnlyFans, it's a free OnlyFans. I started like two years ago. What are you doing on this OnlyFans? Who wants to sign up for an OnlyFans where the dude can't even get hard? No, no, I show videos how I could actually get hard when I'm not feeling pressure. And I show videos when it's all shriveled up. I jerk off. I jerk off videos.

Okay, Sturmworm, this is out of control. Have you written any comedy in the years that we haven't seen you? I've been working so hard on my podcast that I have been doing comedy, but I have a zillion comedy minutes. Like I have 15 free minutes. You have a zillion comedy minutes. Like, I have 15 free minutes. You have a zillion of them, and you came out tonight just talking about

whatever the fuck that was. Yeah, I mean, to me, I think that shit's funny. I know it's not, like, joke joke funny, but, like, to me, like... It's not, like, ha-ha funny. I think it is, but, I mean, I guess I have no sense of humor. I have a podcast episode called I Have No Sense of Humor, but I mean, I guess I have no sense of humor. I have a podcast episode called I Have No Sense of Humor.

But I have a problem. Okay, all right, Sturmwurm. Well, it's been a while since you've been on this show. You know, this cool company, I'm gonna give them a shout out called Ghost Patch Custom at ghostpatchcustom.com sent us these. It's hard to describe, but it's like an iron missile. Ghostpatch Custom, at ghostpatchcustom.com, sent us these.

It's hard to describe, but it's like an iron missile, and it says, I bombed on KilToni. And I'm gonna throw this. You gonna catch it? Catch it with your ass. There you go. There he goes, ladies and gentlemen. And it has begun.

Sturm Worm. No chance like a wrap. There he goes. I can't spit a verse. One verse, you can cut me off. No, Sturm Worm, everybody. There he goes, Sturm Worm. No chance I could rap. There he goes. I can't spit a verse. One verse, you caught me off- No, Sturm Worm, everybody. There he goes. Sturm Worm. Did you have one in mind or something? Did you plan for that?

I mean, what's up? Did you prepare to rap or something? Yeah, of course I did. I'm a rapper. That's what you did years ago? Yeah, you didn't know I rap? It's been years, Sturm Worm. Please let me rap. It's so good. Okay, here he is. Give him a little years, Sturm Worm. It's so good. Okay, here he is.

Give him a little beat. Sturm Worm's gonna rap real quick. A one, a two, a one, two, three, four. The rays of the sunshine brighter after rain I started writing rhymes so that I can share my pain No matter where you're from, man, shit could get real I was told the sky is blue, I see it more as teal Stuck in a slump, can't seem to find a groove.

Catch me out here chasing dreams, trying to make moves. Can't fuck my life every day being screwed. I gotta win, cause so far all I've done is lose. Lately on my head. Alright, Sturmwurm, there you go. Sturmwurm everybody, Jesus Christ. Oh my God, made everybody flaccid. We got another bucket full.

You guys ready for another comedian? 60 seconds uninterrupted going to Sam Henderson, everybody. Looks like a new name, Sam Henderson. I really just really miss being a kid just because you were young and dumb. You didn't have to have it all figured out. When I was a kid, I thought I thought the word pedophile was someone who loved feet. I thought the word pedophile was someone who loved feet. And it really shouldn't have been a problem, but my dad was a podiatrist. I told my whole fifth grade class,

when I grow up, I want to be a pedophile like my dad. Cool, you guys like that? Cool. Cool. I saw a pretty interesting stat online the other day. I don't know if you guys know this. Apparently conservative men consume the most trans porn. I thought it was an odd way to find out I'm a conservative. Alright, thank you guys.

There you go. Sam Henderson. Getting a joke there. Hello Sam. How long have you been doing stand up? I'm pretty new man, like a year and a half. Okay, where at? Lexington, Kentucky. Lexington, Sam. How long you been doing stand-up? I'm pretty new, man, like a year and a half. Okay, where at? Where you been doing it at? Lexington, Kentucky.

Lexington, Kentucky. Okay. Is that where you live now or did you move here? No, I live in Lexington still. Okay. Has anyone ever told you that you look like a full-size version of the mayor of, uh... the fucking, um... Munchkins. You remember that guy? I don't know that guy.

You ever seen him? Look him up on your safari there, red van. You're gonna see what I mean. This is actually quite incredible. Mayor of Munchkinland. That's what I was thinking of. Munchkinland. Look at him. Look at that. I'm pretty spot on here. Anyway, doesn't matter. It's more of a big fan of Munchkinland joke.

I guess. All right. How old are you, Sam? 27. What do you do for work? I work for an ice company. Oh yeah. What do you do for work? I work for an ice company. Oh yeah? What do you do for the ice company? I like drive a truck, deliver ice. Okay. All right. The back is very cold. 17 degrees. Wow.

Wow. How long have you been delivering ice for? About eight years. Wow. amazing. What's the most exciting thing that's happened to you while delivering ice? I was in a gas station once while I got robbed. You got robbed? I don't get robbed, no.

It got robbed. The wall wall got robbed in Philly. What? Amazing. You were in Philly? Yeah, I was working out of town in Philly. Okay. You were delivering ice in Philadelphia. Yeah, we have like a bunch of plants around the country move around. And what happened?

What were you doing? I was putting ice in the icebox. Did you try to stop the robbery? Did you open a bag and put it at the door so that they slip and fall or something? I've been watching all the Home Alone's recently and I'm thinking about pranking people. I'm thinking about pranking people. I'm thinking about pranking people. I'm thinking about pranking people.

I'm thinking about pranking people. I'm thinking about pranking people. I'm thinking about pranking people. I'm thinking about pranking people. I'm thinking about pranking people. I'm thinking about pranking people. I'm thinking about pranking people. I'm thinking about pranking people.

I'm thinking about pranking people. I'm thinking about pranking people. I'm thinking about pranking people. I'm thinking about pranking something. I've been watching all the Home Alone's recently, and I'm thinking about pranking people. You didn't contribute or help at all with this? No, no, I sat down like a little bitch. There you go. So what type of childhood did you have in Lexington, Kentucky? I grew up in Jacksonville, Florida.

I was a pastor's kid growing up. A what? Pastor's kid growing up. A what? Pastor's kid growing up. Pretty easy childhood. Played soccer. It's pretty standard, I'd say. What's the most exciting thing about your life, Sam Henderson? Most exciting thing about my life, I speak Spanish.

Wow. You might not believe it. That's a big deal in Lexington, Kentucky. You might be the only person in Kentucky that speaks Spanish. Wow. Might not believe it? That's a big deal in Lexington, Kentucky. You might be the only person in Kentucky that speaks Spanish. That's absolutely incredible. Can you give us a little example of your Spanish? Can you say something that perhaps the band could understand, the horn players over there?

Yeah. Soy gringo, pero estoy aprendiendo español. No, no. Wow, listen to those. No creo que soy fluente, pero creo que soy conversacional. Pero yo, yo sé que Tony es un maricón. Oh, you son of a bitch. You son of a bitch.

Tu no bueno es la comedica. How about that, you piece of shit? I love it. Sam, what's your love life like? You're in Kentucky, you banging your relative. I wish. What's going on? I'm single right now.

Got out of a relationship. Beginning of the year. I wish. I wish. What's going on? I'm single right now. Got out of relationship, beginning of the year. Just been doing my thing, trying to do comedy. I've been kind of planning on moving here, so I haven't been trying to get into any relationship or anything, so. Yeah, you don't wanna, you definitely wanna not hook up with anybody just in case if you ever have to move to Austin, Texas.

Listen, dude. It's not completely dry, but I don't know. I'm too emotional to like always hook up with people like that, you know? When you say you're too emotional, give us an example of what you mean by that. It's just like after I finished immediately, I just feel disgusting, you know? I'm like...

It may be that like the girls aren't hot enough, it may be that, but it's really, I don't know. I'm like, don't touch me, I wanna leave right now. Do you have any tricks to get away or have them get away from you? Is there anything that you've said or done right after sex to get rid of the opposing party? No, dude, I'm not mean enough. I just sit there in despair and...

You just feel disgusting. Yeah. Usually it's better like it's at their house. You can just get up and leave. Yeah. I feel you, brother. Yeah. Fuck.

When I know Cheryl wants to make love, I have a panic attack. But... I worry I can't finish, you know. Guys know this, after about six months, it's really hard to finish, you know. You've got to find things in your life, you know, that you can take to the bedroom and fantasize. Take, for example, me right now.

I've been having some fantasies about this woman in the front row and I feel horrible about it, but I can take that with me and hopefully finish later. So try that my friend. There's a little health advice from the great- I love you. I love you. RFK Jr. giving you some really good advice there. Sam, I'm going to give you one of these little joke books.

Congratulations. You've made it on Kill Tony. There he goes. Sam Henderson, everybody. This is fun. You having fun, RFK? By the way, sorry, Tony. I have to apologize because I, uh, you know, I'm doing my amends and secrets keep us sick, and I want to apologize to this woman for know, I'm doing my amends and secrets keep us sick and I wanna apologize to this woman for sexualizing her like that.

The whole time he was talking, I was having a fantasy and it's just not right and I apologize. She was laying on a bed in my mind, not clothed at all and I was above her and I just Louis C.K'd all over her. And I just want to say I'm sorry to you. It's beautiful. Beautiful. The new director of health.

Is that the title? Director of health? Unfortunately, the fantasy didn't stop there, Tony. I then brought her into a tub to clean off my mess, and I was massaging her breasts, of course, and I began to get arousing, and I thought, God damn it, RFK, can you just... This is someone's daughter, God damn it.

But I couldn't help myself, and I apologize to you, miss. Wow. I hope she says you're forgiven. Well, you may not when you hear about the rest of my fantasy. You see, no, please, please, just let me finish, and please don't laugh. This is, I'm trying to make amends here, and secrets do keep us sick. Mm.

Then what happened was, in my fantasy, of course, she had asked me to tuck my genitalia down under myself so I'd look like a lady in the front. And then she said that I looked like a pretty girl, which, of course, brought a tear to my eye because it was something I always wanted to hear. And then, of course, she came from behind me and kicked me in the nutsack,

and I ejaculated immediately. But... By the way, I'll be right back. I have to change. I'll be right back. RFK Junior, ladies and gentlemen. Says he has to go change. That's very interesting. Gotta love it.

Wonder if there's a microphone back there and he's gonna keep telling us about the fantasy. All right, pulled another name out of the bucket. We're gonna keep the fun train moving along. This looks like another new name. Make some noise for Joe Barnholt, everybody. Joe Barnholt. -♪

Somebody outside told me I look like I play in a Weezer cover band. So that's cool. You guys, I got married. Oh, thank you so much. I appreciate that. Then I got divorced. Hey, there's so much. I appreciate that. Then I got divorced. Hey, there's always a little bigger cheer for that one. Statistically, that makes a lot of sense. So don't cry for me, though.

I got the house in Tahoe and the divorce. And by that, I mean I live in my Chevy. My ex and I are actually still good friends. Turns out she's a lesbian. Not saying that like a vindictive man, like she's actually a lesbian. And people ask me, Joe, was there any indication, anything that would have told you she's a lesbian?

Aside from the fact that I'm a giant pussy and she ate me alive? I cannot. I cannot say that there was any indication. On a completely unrelated note, did you guys know that scissoring really hurts your balls? Like a lot. You guys, I told that joke in Birmingham, Alabama, and a guy yelled out,

you're doing it wrong. Way more progressive down there than I was giving him credit for. Thank you guys. My name is Joe Barnhold. Joe Barnhold. Wait a minute. Hi, Joe. Hey, how's it going? Good. Welcome. Welcome. How long were you married? Married for five years.

We actually signed our paper on our fifth year anniversary. You were surprised when you found out she was a lesbian? She started turning into a witch towards the end of our marriage. In what way? Self-identify, incense and moon water. Oh, she was calling herself a witch? Yes, yes.

Wow. Yeah. Absolutely incredible. So, to say I was shocked would be a little bit of an overstatement, but it was a surprise. You didn't think there was something lesbian-esque about her when she married a Rachel Maddow impressionist?

You should see me when I'm clean shaven. Amazing. Very lesbian-esque. Amazing. So how did she break the news to you that she was interested in women? She actually came clean to me because she was worried that a neighbor had seen her new partner coming through

and she wanted it to come from her rather than coming from a third party source. So she reached out to me and was like, hey, I need to confess, I'm dating someone. And I went, oh, that's cool. And she went, it's a woman. And I went, oh, we never had a threesome. That's unfortunate.

Did you try to work it out and try to have that happen? Did you pitch that idea? No, we were kind of at the friend zone at that point in time. Our marriage had, you know, devolved into friendship. Right, so no kids. No kids, no kid free. Right, and she slowly became a witch. Yes.

Yeah. Did that bother you at all? It's a witch sound effect. It's a great sound effect. The rarely used witch sound effect. Yeah, I'm sure that's a... Red man has been fingering... Lingering his finger over that button

for 13 and a half years, just waiting for an opportunity. That's not the sound they make when you finger a witch, so... That's a goblin laugh. I know a goblin laugh when I hear it. There you go. OK. So what do you do for work?

I do comedy and music full time. What kind of music do you do? Comedy music. And I'm in a band that does full band hip hop. You do in a band that does what? Full band hip hop. Full band hip hop? Yeah.

What do you do in the band? I play guitar. I do rhythm and a little bit of vocals. A little bit of vocals? Yes. You do comedy, hip hop. No, well, so my comedy songs are all over the place. I do a song about Jesus.

I just wrote a song about fucking Santa. OK. Can we hear some of your fucking Santa songs? You going to tell the band what to do? Uh, sure, yeah. They're actual professional musicians, so if you just tell them. Um, so it's, it's uh, man, what's the style? It's just, uh, it starts on G, the one, the four, the five, um, and then that...

God, you're turning us all into lesbians right now. This is so incredible. It's a slow song. Yeah, if you got a guitar, I can play it for you. Yeah, there's a guest guitar if you want to play. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, we do have the guest guitar. There's the lovely Heidi.

Man, I literally... With a guitar. We're gonna plug it on in. You gotta put it on. This is incredible. It reminds me of Colt. Colt, this is like you. Colt, come up here, stand next to this guy.

Take your hoodie and your hat off real quick. We're gonna do a little experiment, see which one is which. Yeah, give me some of that Colt music. Look at that, everybody. Hey, look at that. Look at this. Just stand up there next to him like you guys

are conjoined twins. I just want you to stand there with him. No, leave the hat off, Colt. Leave the hat off. Very good. There you go. Yeah, it's perfect. All right.

There you go. That's the spirit. The G to the one to the two to the fifth, and here we go. Hey, up a day, little lady and here we go. Hey! Up a day to lady. Here we go. Fucking go. Colts, just gonna... I love you Santa.

You're on the way. It's almost Christmas. And you're dressed in a sleigh. Put me on the nice list, you're a good little boy But we could be naughty if you bring me toys Oh Santa, come fill me with joy Oh, chestnuts roasting on an open fire. Yes. RFK Junior's Rockin' Christmas, available now.

Blakin' some kids want presents, I just want your sack. I left out cookies and milk for you Santa, but can I be your snack? My polar bear Santa. Wow, amazing. You give me paws. Santa's a shepherd boy to the might. What did you say, R.K. Junior?

Shave your beard, Santa. Shepherd boy. Go ahead. Let's do a duet, keep going. Let's do a duet. My voice blends well with other voices. Let's try this. There's Santa.

You're a polar bear. You're fucking queer. Go ahead. I'll follow the changes. Don't try me, boy. Oh, man. I was not prepared for that. Oh. This is your big break, do it.

I know, I know. Oh, my God. Show us what you got. You can do it, Rachel. Perfect. Shave your beard, Santa Yeah, shave your beard, you son of a bitch. Your name's Mrs. Claus Yeah, ugly old whore. Slide down my chimney, it's my fantasy.

Oh, no step Santa, I'm stuck in the tree. Santa, come bring it to me, yeah. Get RFKs rockin' Christmas tomorrow afternoon. Joe Barnhole with a little music, with the lovely Colt backing him up. His twin brother. Thank you, Colt. And amazing harmonies by the great RFK Jr.

Amazing stuff. Drinking fermented alpens. Yes, sir. I thought it was... I forgot, I thought it was Mountain Dew. You really got to prepare before you put owl urine in your mouth. Just a heads up, RFK Jr. is promoting Kyle Dunnigan dot com. He's on tour.

Kyle Dunnigan dot com. That's D-U-N-N-I-G-A-N dot com. Important to know. Sometimes we have these people come on, like Dr. Phil promotes Adam Ray. It's exciting to have RFK Jr. promoting Kyle Dunnigan. I love it. You guys can promote anything in the world and instead you take care of good amazing comedians, free speech. This Kyle Dunnigan, you've met him before. He's a friend. Fantastic. He does like a lot of puppet work. He juggles too. Go see Kyle Dunnigan.

He actually just juggles the puppets. He doesn't actually mouth them at all. They just fly through the air. He was here this weekend. He was fantastic. KyleDunnigan.com for tour tickets. One of the funniest people on planet Earth. Joe, what is the most interesting, craziest thing

that's ever happened to you in your life? My band has played Red Rocks. OK. That's like your biggest accomplishment. How did you guys sell tickets for that? Are you guys famous? Well, we're pretty well known in the Denver music scene. And we got the opportunity to play

before they do a movie on the rocks where they show a film. And what was the movie? Top Gun Mavericks. So open for Tom Cruise. Wow. Which is sweet. Amazing. Amazing. A lot of people open for Tom Cruise.

Yeah. All right, Joe. Well, okay. You did pretty decent. All right? You did good, right? Here's a big joke book. Take one of these.

There he goes, Joe Barnhold. Thank you. Let's get one more bucket pull up here. Then we'll get a regular. Alright, ladies and gentlemen, this looks like another new name. Exciting stuff. 60 seconds uninterrupted for Simon Perkovich. Simon Perkovich.

-♪ How you feeling, guys? Are you feeling, guys? I know Tony is. Anyway, I am 11 months sober... -♪... from marijuana. Yeah, look at that. Nobody's happy for me anymore. People are like, boo!

That's only because you hear the good stuff, you know? They never talk about the negatives. Like, you notice that it makes you stop dreaming? You, have you noticed this? Of course not. You're toasted right now. Big dreamer right here. Guys, I'm from Colorado. What if, like, my whole state isn't dreaming?

What if Martin Luther King Jr. was from Colorado? He would have never had that dream, dude! We would be peeing in different bathrooms. The marches, they would have never happened. What do you ever hit the doobie and think, guys, let's go on a hunger strike. All right, everyone, shut up, shut up, shut up. No, seriously, shut up.

Pussy. All right. Okay, Simon Perkovich, ladies and gentlemen. Hi, Simon, welcome. Hi, good to be here. How long have you been on stand-up? I've been dabbling for three years, but I'd say I've been doing it for like a month. Okay, and that's in Colorado? Yeah, Telluride.

Nice. Okay, what do you do for a living? I was trying, I was a bartender and I'm trying to be a farmer. Marijuana? Yeah, I wish. No, you can do that where I'm from, but you can't really do that here anymore, can you? Unless if you're doing that weird Delta 8 stuff, right? I don't really know the industry that well. I just buy it and smoke it.

No, but like organic stuff, like I've worked on a mushroom farm, apple farm, all kinds of stuff. OK, this sounds of stuff. OK. This sounds very healthy. Are you a healthy guy? I try to be healthy. It's kind of tough when you move to a new city and you're not connected to farm stuff.

Mostly you do eat healthy. Yeah, I think so. What's a guilty pleasure for you? What's something that you eat that's unhealthy? Guilty pleasure. I love donuts, like voodoo donuts down the way. Kind of been fucking me up lately. Yeah, how has it been fucking you up?

Um, well, so I live in a van and I gotta find a... What? That's not funny. Shut up. Nobody laughed. You're right. Um... You can't just be like, hey, stop, that's not funny, but, like, everyone was just completely silent. Yeah, fuck.

He's dreaming. Yeah. I just... I wish they would laugh. Dreaming of donuts over here. But, no, like, I got to find a place to piss in the morning. So I'm walking down, and it's always voodoo donuts. And, like, I'm trying, you know, to eat healthy, like you said, healthy, like you said. But I feel guilty just going in and asking to use the bathroom.

So I got to get at least three or four. You eat three or four donuts daily? Yeah. RFK Jr., what do we think about three or four daily donuts? Well, it depends what kind you're talking. What sort of donut are you talking about? That's a good question. Are there certain doughnuts? Oh yeah, there's definitely a bunch. They make actually a delicious bison doughnut, by

man, those are actually quite healthy. By the way, here I have some kangaroo meat, if you want to take a bite off that. You actually have kangaroo meat? Kangaroo meat, it's really high in vitamin Q if anybody's interested in trying. All right. Something about RFK Jr., I don't even laugh. I go directly to cracking the fuck up. It's pretty, pretty special. I can't believe my hero is on stage right now.

You're a big, Is there... Have you... I've never been vaccinated, and, like... Like, my mom... You're, like, my mom's biggest hero, too. All right, I like to hear that. Have you tried any owl urine? No, this is... Here's measles, mumps, and I'm hoping herpes.

Please God, please God, herpes. Take away the itch. Holy shit. So Simon, what do you do for fun? What's a guy that you often tell you ride do for fun? Uh, well, in Telluride, it's skiing, snowboarding, whitewater rafting, mountain biking. Is that what you do? Yeah, I do all these things.

Okay. But here, I've been two-steppin'. Oh, really? Yeah. You just never see blacks. Right? I mean, when do you...? They, uh, they come for one festival in Telluride.

It's called Blues and Brews, and they're all on stage, and we're just staring at them. Wow. Wow. Blues and Brews? Yeah, like beer. Oh, I expected it to be B-R-U-I-S-E because they beat up people. Okay. I want to see this two-step.

How many of you think we should see them two-step? One, two, one, two, three, four. ["Two Steps"] Wow, that's a giant, that's a giant woman you're dancing with. Whoa. Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer had a very shiny nose.

And if you ever saw him, you would even say it closed. All of the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names, god damn it. They never let that son of a bitch play any god damn games. There's a lot of bullies, assholes out there. You see a reindeer, I'm gonna kick him in the god damn head. I am having... I am having so much fun right now. Oh my god.

Yeah, it's real hard to step in alone. Yeah. Yeah. All right. Obviously it's also hard doing comedy alone when you're you. Oh, so Simon, Simon, Simon. What's your love life like up in Telluride? Telluride, nothing.

Here, I had a girlfriend and she- So wait, you moved here? Yeah. Okay, I must have missed that. How long ago? Like a month ago. Okay. Halloween.

You had a girlfriend here already? Yeah, I jumped into these things real quick. Yeah, how'd that go? Dead, not great. Huh? She two-stepped right out of my life. Yeah. And, yeah, actually I was gonna call her today and kind of say, hey, we can still be friends.

Did she tell you why she left you? Uh, no. No? Can you tell why? Can you tell why? Yeah. Why? Just basically how I am.

I'm like, I'm awkward and I get too attached to people. Oh, you did? Can you give an example of how you got too attached to this woman and how soon after you guys started hanging out did you get attached? Oh, instantly. Uh-huh. So, like, what happened? But I was trying to play it off. Yeah, so give us an example.

Well, I always— I rush into these things because, like, it's kind of a trick to get that— Like, if someone cares about you, it's really easy to care about yourself. But then, like, when that person leaves, like, I'm supposed to still care about myself? I fucking don't. But when I mean take care of yourself, I mean clean my room,

because someone will come see it. I thought you lived in a van. It is a van. Well, okay, my room is my van. Why do you say, okay, like that? It's your fucking van. You're saying it like- There's room in van. You're saying it like... There's room in it.

You call it your room? You didn't say I need to clean my van, you call it a room? Yeah, it's my living room. Wow, that's amazing. And it's like, it's a bus, it's big. Uh-huh, all right, well, okay. So did you, what did you say or do that was so clingy?

Right after I got on Kill Tony the first time. You've been on before? Yeah, I was here like three or four weeks ago. Holy shit. You made me talk about having lichen sclerosis, which by the way, I've admitted to like my parents and then you and everybody in the world. Okay Yeah

Did you look different a few weeks ago? I had a beard. Okay, that'll do it. Yeah Here's a little joke book Simon. Congratulations. You've been pulled out of the bucket twice in a month There he goes. We're gonna move it right along ladies and gentlemen. It is indeed time for a regular 60 seconds uninterrupted from one of the greatest regulars in the history of the show. A freak of nature out there touring, selling out absolutely everywhere. Truly one of the fastest growing comics in the world. This is a brand new minute from the one and only,

the great and powerful, this is Cam Patterson. ["The Great and Powerful"] So I'm still trying to do like the acting thing or whatnot. And I had like audition for a role a couple of weeks ago and it was for a drug dealer, so right on time, right? So I thought I had it in the bag. And then I got there and there was a lady with a, so right on time, right? So I thought I had it in the bag, and then I got there, and there was a lady with a camera and a gay dude, right? And we was reading our lines and shit,

and he was reading them with me, but he was reading the lines as my girlfriend. That's crazy, right? So I'm saying my lines and whatnot, I'm like, hey, bitch, here go the drugs, and then his line is, oh, my gosh, I love you so much. And every time he said that, I laughed, because that's funny, right? Like, what the fuck? And he'll be like, I love you so much. And every time he said that, I laughed,

because that's funny, right? Like, what the fuck? And he'll be like, you got to be more serious. I'll be like, no problem. He said it again. And I laugh again. And I'm going to tell you something. I should get that role, man, because that was fucking great acting, dog.

He had no idea I was homophobic. You know what I'm saying? Ha ha ha ha ha. And if you think I'm dead ass, I'm not homophobic. I have no problem with gay people. I have gays in my family. I don't talk to them, but... they in my family, I tell you that much. Ha ha ha. Have my time. There it go.

Yeah. Ha ha ha. There it is. Exactly a minute. RFK Jr. Mm. Tony, I haven't looked to my right yet. Is it a black guy? It is. It's a young guy.

Oh my god. Oh, that would be so racist. Well, you thought it was. I don't know. I just wanted to make sure. You do the health shit? You be doing health shit? I do.

I do the health shit. Hell yeah. That's good. That is his official title. The health shit do the health shit. Hell yeah, it's good. That is his official title. The health shit. The health shit. Hell yeah. Yeah.

That's hard, man. How about another hand for the great Cam Patterson coming out, getting some of the biggest pops of the night. Big pops of laughter. It was fun, man. Hell yeah, it's all happening. Hell yeah.

You really went on an audition for that? Yeah, it went out well. Yeah, I did, yeah. I was already in the lake doing shit. Yeah. You understand? And so, yeah. But it was funny.

I'm not going to get the part at all, but it was funny. Yeah. I got a joke out of that. Yeah, you did. That's all that matters. See? Well worth it. And you still might get the role.

Hopefully. Was it for like a big thing? Yeah, it's pretty big. Yeah. Yeah. Sounds about for like a big thing? Yeah, it's pretty big. Yeah. Yeah. Sounds about right. A rising star. What's that under your hat tonight?

Nothing. There's something there. No, it's not. Yeah, huh? There's a little something. Is that a, is that a, what we call, is that a do-rag? Whoa. Oh my goodness. It's like, you're like a black genie. Oh my goodness. You're like a black genie. Oh my goodness. Whoa.

Whoa. Wow. Wow. What's up? Oh, it's you. It's you. I got really scared for a second. It's a ski mat because it's cold and shit be cold outside and I ain't got no haircut,

so it help with my hairline and shit like that. Hell yeah. A lot of people don't have that problem, because y'all don't have. You feel what I'm saying? You get what I'm saying, health nigga, right? Here it goes. The health nigga get what I'm saying.

That's right, my N-word. Hell yeah, you get it. That's it. This is good, man. Hell yeah. This is nice. I feel ya. Hell yeah.

RFK Jr., a true politician, able to talk to any type of person. He the one with the worm in your brain, that type shit, hell yeah, that's hard. It's good, hell yeah, this is fun. So what's going on under there? It looks like there's some stuff happening underneath. Under my head?

Under my, why, like, I ain't get a haircut in a minute, so my hair look crazy. OK. Yeah. So fuck no, bitch. Wow. No. Hell no.

I'll take it off for $200. Whoa. $200, lady. Bitch. Do you have the money, white bitch? Nope, she says no. She does not have the money. It's shocker.

So what else is going on, Cam? I was in Rochester, New York this weekend. Yeah, that place is fucking terrible. It is terrible. You guys, it's so interesting to me. You and William, you were in Rochester, he was in Buffalo. Truly, as I've said so many times before,

absolutely two of the worst places in the United States of America. Upstate New York is the worst. Yeah, man. They had this shit up there called a garbage plate, and it was just like, it's exactly what you think it is, it's much of bullshit on a plate.

Puerto Rican food? Oh, shut up. Come on. Shut up. The Puerto Ricans want you. Exactly. Tony makes another joke about Puerto Rico. Extra, when did you get that?

That's a new one. Got a bunch of new shit. Wow, you got a few new ones. First time the soundboard has changed in seven and a half years for those of you keeping track. Very exciting. What else do you have there that's new? Anything else good?

No, nothing? Nothing that good? No? Nothing? Nothing that you're proud of there? Never heard of them. And don't want to hear of them. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Oh, I just got it. I just understood what that was. Ha-ha-ha-ha!

That's funny. Got it! That is so funny. Where the fuck you get glasses from? He always had glasses? Oh, sorry, I'm distracted. I was sending a dick pic to a journalist. Yeah, I buy it.

Hello. I love it. So Cam, what were we talking about? Rochester? Garbage, please. Yo, yeah, garbage plate. Ass, nigga, it love it. So Cam, what were we talking about? Rochester? Garbage plate. Yo yeah, garbage plate. Ass nigga, it's terrible. It's, it's, it was, it was, it made me mad

cause they really stood by that bullshit. And it was me, Jolly and my other homeboy Jolly who was all there and my, my cameraman is white. I got a white cameraman. Wow, thank God. Yeah, congratulations, you know what I'm saying? White people, a lot of shit like that. Yeah, gotta have one person.

I'm a good person, you feel what I'm saying? One of the good ones. What? What? Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. So I got a white cameraman, right? And we opened our food up and it was the garbage place in front of us and my cameraman just

went, y'all want to be slaves so bad. That's how terrible the food was. It looked like slave food, it was terrible. Wow. It was God awful. Made me upset. I wanted to kill those people. Yeah.

People was cool though. The food was God awful, dog. Freezing cold up there. It was colder than shit. Yeah. It was cool though, I like the cold. Nah man, I'm a real travel person, you know what I'm saying? I be out around the world,

I be seeing snow and shit like that. It don't even phase me no more. I just see snow and I go, that's snow pussy and I keep moving. That's right. I've been around the world now thanks to you, Tony. I appreciate that. Hell yeah. Hell yeah.

All around the world, always writing, always working, a nonstop fucking undeniable machine. Hell yeah. Ladies and gentlemen, the great and powerful Cam Patterson, everybody. Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Yeah! Yeah! Another new minute. Amazing sometimes how the people that do it every week, you know. This has been a real sausage fest, come on. Yeah, we're gonna see what happens next. This is a one word name, anything could happen.

Could be a boy, could be a girl. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Law. L-A-W, it's Law, everybody. So when I was in high school, girls would play this game called Fuck, Marry, Kill. And it's like where you make a list on who would you rather fuck, marry, or kill. And one time this girl made a list of me, Shrek,

and the donkey from Shrek. Yeah, guess who got killed? The girl who made the list. Yeah, so my cousin, my cousin just came out as gay on Facebook because I have his password. I mean, one time my girlfriend and I were having sex, and she kept saying, is it in yet? And as a man, that's not something you want to hear when you're fisting your girlfriend. Laughter

Applause Cheers Applause Appreciate you. Law, ladies and gentlemen. What up, what up? The Kill Tony debut of Law. What's good, brother? Wow, very impressive.

Welcome, welcome. Thanks for having me, man. This is the first time I've seen your standup, but I have seen you around here. You work here at the mothership now. I do, yeah. Amazing stuff. Adam knows how to pick them.

Amazing. Do you sign up for the show often? I mean, yeah, when I'm working, yeah. I be chilling. I love it, I love it. How long you been doing stand-up? Four years. Four years. Where at?

Baltimore, Maryland. And you moved here how long ago? Like six months ago. Six months ago. You love it here? Oh, it's great, man. So many white bitches. Yeah, there's a lot of them.

I didn't like them at first, but now I do. Yeah. Why didn't you like them at first? What do you prefer? What's the pluses and minuses of the white bitches? Racism. No, white bitches, the pros, it's just a cultural thing. You know, Baltimore, all the white bitches do heroin.

So, y'all here, it's just like ecstasy and shit. So, it's pretty chill. The cons, yeah, their dads hate me. Right. Yeah. That makes sense. I feel like I'm a lovable guy. You are.

Appreciate you. Yeah, I couldvable guy. You are. Appreciate you. Yeah, I could see that. You're extremely likable. Your delivery is incredible. Writing, execution, fucking everything amazing. Thanks man. What have you been doing for work up until this point?

I was a middle school special education teacher. Whoa. Aw. You could hear all the white women going aw. Yes. All at once. They really all hit that note. Yes, sir. Amazing.

What was that like for you? Oh, it sucked. Yeah. It was terrible. I mean, I did it in, it was in Baltimore, so it was just chaos. Yeah. You know, it's hard to teach a kid

after he's called you a nigger, you know? Right. It's pretty difficult. Yeah. Yeah. But I had to do it. Yeah. You know?

I taught that kid about slavery and everything. Yeah. They're allowed to call you that in that type of school, right? Unfortunately, yes. Yeah. Yes. That would have been fun.

Well, what you... Yeah. We can restrain them though. So like I had to, I had to like learn different holds to restrain a kid. Yeah. So like I did get a couple of licks in. Hell yeah.

Absolutely. Were there any special ones that stood out to you? Oh man. Hell yeah. Absolutely. Were there any special ones that stood out to you? Oh man. Oh yes. Yeah. I mean, I'm not going to say his name, I guess. Right. His name was Wayne. Yeah. And uh,

there was this chunky ass white kid. And I mean, obviously he was racist, but he loved me. So all of the racism would come towards me. So he would get into these things called like, crisis, to where he would just flip the table and he'd hit all the kids, throw the desk, and then he'd say the N-word, and he'd be like, see, you're making me racist. I don't think this guy had any mental problems whatsoever.

Yeah. Yeah, it was... It was tough, you know? But at the end of the day, I mean, he loved cops, like police officers. Yeah, they all do. Yeah. Wee, wee, wee. Yeah, it's just the lights on the car.

Yeah. Yeah. And so we were just bringing a police officer at the end of the day, and he would just be chilling with Wayne. Yeah. And then I get to leave. You left him with the police officer? Oh, yeah.

You know, you could teach the cops some stuff, I guess. Or they could teach him. You know, Tony, I hate to interrupt this, but I'm getting a little... What did you say your name was? His name? Your name. Law? Law, yeah. I'm sorry. I just I don't I probably shouldn't tell this story but um I was in Da Nang about eight clicks out of Saigon and

I was helping this girl across the border her name was Law and I haven't thought about her in years. Anyway, she stepped on a landmine, and it blew her into two pieces, and it was like a chicken when she kept walking as two separate beings, and she came to me like, help, and I pushed her together, but it was too late. But anyways, it was a funny set. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Great time. Oh, my goodness. Law. Sir. So being raised, uh, being raised in Baltimore, you were around a lot of black men, right? Yeah. And your name is Law, L-A-W, so did a lot of those guys try to break you? Cause I hear that they love breaking...

Black men breaking me? Breaking laws, black men breaking laws. Your name is Law. I got nervous at first. John Deez is booing my black men breaking laws joke. Yeah. Okay. It's like I'll have to run for office next year.

I thought it was smart. I've never met a black guy named Law before, but all right. Welcome. Huh? Oh yeah. Yep. It's me. Do you have any hobbies or anything like that other than stand-up comedy?

Anything that you're interested in? Yeah, I mean I read a lot of books. Yeah? Yeah. What kind of books? All right, so I guess urban fiction. What exactly is that, like Tales from the Hood? Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. All right. So it's like this author called Donald Goins. So, you know, hood nigga. And, uh... My type of person.

Yeah. So he has this novel. It's called Whore Son. So it's about, like, a prostitute, like a mom, and she gives birth to a son. And she's like, well, I'm a whore, and that's my son. So we're gonna call him Whoreson Jones. This is a real book.

Like, I'm... So, pretty much, he just becomes like a pimp. Is this erotic fiction that you're reading? Like, is this like? I mean, if you like, hidden women and stuff like that. Is this like? Yeah. And it's about black people?

Yeah, he's like a pimp. Is there a special like, black library that you go to or something? Somewhere where you just take the books and don't check them out, you just leave with them or something like that? Yeah, it's just still a book. Yeah, it's like a one shelf in Barnes and Noble. Master Group with all the security cameras pointed towards it.

Law, I am positive you're so funny. I just know it. Adam has the best eye for talent here. And if you work here and if you have multiple minutes, anything like that minute that you did, what's the longest set you've ever done before? 25 minutes. What's the biggest audience you've ever performed

in front of before? Biggest audience. About how many people? Just ballpark it. Probably like 500. Uh huh. Very cool. Would you like to do a minute on December 30th live from the H.E.B.

Center in Arena? Sold out already. It'll be the new biggest audience you've performed in front of by absolutely thousands and thousands of people. And I would love to have you on The Secret Show Thursday if you can. I'm in there. you've performed in front of by absolutely thousands and thousands of people. Appreciate it. And I would love to have you on the secret show Thursday if you can.

I'm in there. And of course you're getting a big joke book. That's it, the total package. He's performing in an arena. Appreciate it, appreciate it. La ladies and gentlemen, be on the lookout for this guy. That is, that's funny. That guy's funny.

All right, we're moving back to the bucket everybody. You guys still having fun out there? Oh shit. One of Kid Rock's ex-girlfriends is going to the bathroom. There she goes. All right, another one word name, back to back. Make some noise for Tayja or Tyja. Tayja or Tyja.

Tayja. ["Tayja"] How y'all doing? How the rest of y'all doing? Good, good, now y'all look good, man. This is a very diverse room of white people. Now white people make some noise. All right, black people make some noise.

Don't make no more noise, bitch. That shit was crazy, nigga. No, no, look, okay, okay, let me get into it, man. I just went bowling with my grandfather, man. 70 years old, we can give it up for that. Yeah, yeah. He whooped my ass, though. Beat the shit out of can give it up for that. We can give it up for that. Yeah, yeah. He whooped my ass, though.

Beat the shit out of me. After he beat me, he got in my face. He said, that's how you bowl, nigga. My granddad's white, by the way. Like that, like my racist granddad. He look like you, nigga. I ain't gonna lie. No, man, I am biracial, though.

I grew up with a white dad, and it's crazy. He used to make me do yard work all the time. Some shit just don't feel right, nigga. You know what I'm saying? No, he used to say, no, you need to make sure that yard look nice so people don't think we white trash. I was like, we?

They gonna think I'm a slave, boy. You got to... All right, that's my time. Thank y'all. My name's Tyga. I was like, we? They gonna think I'm a slave, boy. You got to... All right, that's my time. Thank y'all. My name's Sgt. Okay. Taja. Am I saying that right? Taja.

Taja. T-A-I-J-A. That's a tough one. Everybody mispronounces that one, right? Oh, God, I knew a girl, and... Never mind. Oh, I want to know. I want to... Oh, God, I knew a girl and... Never mind. Oh, I want to know. I want to... Oh, come on. Don't hold back now. It's not as tame as the last story.

Well... It's a nice one. The one where you put a person split in two back together? It's worse than that one, and I'd rather not say it, all right? Tony, it's a comedy show. God. Oh, it's Tajay.

Tajay, Tajay, welcome. So you're half white. What's the other half exactly? Black as hell. Just straight up black. Yeah, just straight black, straight black. Interesting. Yeah.

Interesting. Ethiopian? Nah, nigga, just like black. Do you get that a lot? Nah. I get a lot of like Michelanian shit though, like Hawaiian. Michelanian? Yeah, yeah.

French star. Michelanian? Miscellaneous, I'm saying that right, right? Now you are. Yeah, yeah, I'm saying it right. You fixed it. You said Michelanian twice. Miscellaneous.

Yep. Okay, yeah, yeah. We there, we there. I love it, we there. Okay, so just regular black and white. Dad's white, mom's black. Are they still together? Hell no.

Why not? My mom a crazy, bro. She just a crazy bitch. She crazy, I love her, but she crazy. I love it. Tell me more about your crazy black mother. She got multiple sclerosis. Y'all know what that is?

Yeah, but I think she lying though. That's the thing. I don't think she being for real, because she like to smoke. So when she got it, she got a weed card, her little license or whatever. And yeah, I think she lying, man. I do think she's lying.

My dad's reasonably crazier, though. Tell us about your crazy white pops. He got three baby mamas. Whoa. Yeah, yeah, I said baby mamas, so they all black. They're all black. Wow. He smoke black in mouse.

Wow. This is a white guy? Yeah, really white. He kinda look like Red Band, just a little bit. Whoa. I swear to God, y'all think I'm fooling shit, nigga. No cap? No cap, No cap on God, nigga. Bet.

What's his name? Like Roger or something? Does he have a white name? Harley. Harley? Like a, yeah, what is it? Oh, what the fuck was that? That's amazing.

This is incredible. What does he do for a living? He a realtor. Really? He sells real estate. Yeah. And he's got three black baby mamas? Yeah. Yeah. Wow.

This is absolutely incredible. R.F.K.J. Who is the one with the MS? Who's that? My mama. All right. I want you to do something because I can cure this. All right. Listen. No, I mean, I want you to give her this.

It looks like a lifesaver, but it's not. This is dehydrated Batcom. It's got... No, it's... That's all you need to do. Just... She'll be as good as gold in the morning. Real nigga. Yep.

So, what do you do for a living? I'm an electrician, but I ain't working right now. Really? You know how to elect trash? Yeah, I do. I know how to do that shit. Yeah. You know. Where'd you learn that at?

School. Trade school. Trade school, yeah, yeah. What do you do for fun? What are some hobbies other than standup comedy? No, yeah, yeah, yeah. I've been eating a lot of pussy with my shoes on. Okay, that makes sense.

You look like Brittany Griner, so that makes sense. Eating pussy with your shoes on, is there a reason why you leave your shoes on? Nigga, because if it tastes bad, I can walk right out of that motherfucker. I ain't bullshitting, nigga. Right. And if it smells bad, it's definitely not your feet.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I guess, yeah. It's definitely not your feet. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I guess, yeah. Indeed, sometimes the taste of pussy is so terrible that I cannot even take the time to put my shoes on. I must have them on already. I'm just like you, Tasia.

Tajay, yeah, yeah, yeah. Tajay. Ta... J... Tajay. I'm gonna write it like I sound it out. T... jay. I'm gonna write it like I sound it out. Tage shit. Okay, how many times have you eaten a pussy in which you would need your shoes on

to immediately evacuate the premises in a timely, unbelievably timely manner? And how many licks does it take before you realize it's too many before it's too not good enough for you? It happens pretty fast. Cause like you can know as soon as you pull the pants down, that shit will just hit you. You know what I'm saying?

Fuck. Yeah, like I ain't eat bad pussy before nigga. Well yeah, but that seems like it happens a lot for you to leave your shoes on by default. Have you ever taken everything off except for your shoes? No, that'd be really black, nigga. That's super black. I wouldn't do that shit.

That is super black. That is super black because black people in porn's leave their socks and sometimes their shoes on. Sometimes their shoes. You ever watch porno with blacks, Red Band? Yeah, only the black women, though. Not black guys. There you go. He has to make it look like he's...

All right. All right. ...super straight. Can't even have guys in my porn. It's just women on women on women. There's mountains of women. I just like seeing those black women get, like, you know, from behind. It's so good. What? What from behind?

I want to know if you can even guess what happens in a porno with women. Okay. I do have a girlfriend, though. You do have a girlfriend, and you take your shoes off for her. Nah, her pussy smell good, nigga. Right. That's what I'm saying.

So, it's shoes off. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're comfortable. Okay, how long have you been with this girl? About five years. What does she do? She actually is in school to be a gynecologist. Wow.

Yeah, yeah. That's amazing. Does she ever teach you any of the cool things that she learns? Nah, nah, I don't think so. Wow. It's a totally unnecessary profession, but okay. I got it. LAUGHTER

You just need to eat wheatgrass, ladies. Just have wheatgrass every three days. You're fine. Wheatgrass would make gynecologists completely obsolete. Take your bad cum. would make gynecologists completely obsolete. I hate it. Take your bad cum. I don't want the bad cum. It's for your mother. It's for your mother's multiple sclerosis.

You right, you right. Wrap it in wheatgrass and... I love it. Tajay, you have any special skills or talents other than stand-up comedy? You ever been good at anything? Yeah, I play a little bit of guitar, small bit of guitar.

Really? Yeah, that's my wife's side. Really? It comes out. When's the last time you played guitar? Do you own a guitar? Two weeks ago, I own three guitars. You own three guitars?

I wanna see this guy play guitar. Heidi, can we get the guitar out here? This has been a music heavy episode. Can you put it in drop D? I'll put it in drop D. Don't worry about it. Yeah, drop D. What the hell? Jesus Christ, Cheryl Hill, right? Right, Tony?

Drop D. Andy needs a pick. Give him a hair pick, somebody. Psst. How does that not get a bigger... You guys have any black friends out there? Can I get a pick, a hair pick? Nothing from these people. Like, why would he need a hair pick, Tony?

Why would he possibly ever want a hair pick? Jiggle bells, jiggle bells, jiggle all the way Jiggle bells, jiggle bells, jiggle all the way Jiggle bells, jiggle bells bells, jingle all the way. Jingle bells, honey, it is to ride the hummus of this way. Hey, jingle bells. A-ha-ha-ha! A-ha-ha-ha! An amazing rendition of Jingle Bells from RFK.

First black nigga to play guitar? Never mind, never mind. First black nigga that can see that can play guitar. We'll go. Now, we've had black guitar players on before. Madison Square Garden and whatnot, but... you are the first half black to play guitar. Um, half black.

Pfft. What? Ha. I like it. My, um, I forgot to tell you, my girlfriend is Puerto Rican, Tony. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah. All right.

Did she vote this election? No, no, no, but she heard about the incident. Yeah, well, didn't she have to say- She wasn't even mad, nigga. She wasn't mad at all. Seems she's dating a comedian. He's called you the N-word like five times. Unbelievable.

Yeah, I think we're probably good. You want me to do something about it? No. All right. All right., I think we're probably good. You want me to do something about it? No. All right? All right. Just give me the word, Tony. I'll take care of it.

She wasn't mad, man. She's got a good sense of humor. Yeah, she said she loves gay guys. And she loves them. Very good. You know who I'm talking about? Watch it, pal. All the Puerto Ricans have a great sense of humor.

A little fun fact. One of the highest rankings of sense of humor of all the races. I've studied this. She has a good sense of humor, right? Yeah, yeah, she's a good girl. She got a big gynecologist, man. Yeah.

Seeing dirty pussy out there, you got to be able to keep your spirits high, nigga. She keeps her shoes on the whole time, right? Here and there, here and there. All right, Tajay. Very fun stuff. You got through it. It took you 30 seconds to start your first joke after the whole diverse thing, but keep signing up.

We want you to do it again. And maybe we have something. No medium ones. No. No. Get all the rims of them. We do have delicious watermelon Zipix toothpicks, but they're not just watermelon. They're peppermint watermelon.

It's a mix. A perfect nicotine toothpick for a half white, half black comedian. Peppermint watermelon Zipix nicotine toothpicks, plus a little joke book. There he goes. Ladies and gentlemen, the Kill Tony debut of Tajay. Peppermint watermelon. You can't even make it up. Brought to you by Zipix. Zip more, smoke less.

All right, another name out of the bucket. Make some noise for Rick Shnoyer. Rick Shnoyer, everybody. Rick Schnoier everybody Rick Schnoier oh my god wait a second hold on hold on hold on Rick hold on a second there's chaos amongst us ladies and gentlemen kill Tony legend let the Let the bodies hit the floor. One of the biggest legends in the history of the show. We haven't seen him since Skankfest. This is Ari Shrapier everybody! Oh my god.

Oh he has a ribeth. More evil than ever. Holy shit. Holy shit. Holy shit. Holy shit. Holy shit. Holy shit. Holy shit. Holy shit. Holy shit. Shut the fuck up!

Now, I was in the back for a while. I used to see ethnic comic after ethnic comic, and whoever the fuck you are probably... It's another one. I'm a single goddamn Jew on this show, Tony. It's been 16 months since that fateful day on October 7th, and they still haven't brought the hostages home,

and you guys aren't doing a goddamn thing about it. You're looking at RFK Jr. right now. Robbie. I still haven't brought the hostages home, and you guys aren't doing a goddamn thing about it. You're looking at RFK Jr. right now. Robbie. What's your plan? Good to see you. Yeah, it's good to see you too. What are you gonna do about fentanyl, buddy? I'm really worried about it.

Nah, it's not a big deal. It's overblown. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right.

Sick, I'm going to party. I'll see you guys later. Thank you very much. You're not going to hang out Ari? How long has this show been going on? It's just another fucking 20 or 30 minutes or so. I got shit to do today. What? Today it's 10 p.m. Ari. Fuck. I mean you're wearing the perfect shirt. Ari Shafir, ladies and gentlemen, joining the fray. We're just about to watch this guy

do an uninterrupted 60 seconds. How you feeling? You ready for it? Oh, yeah. It's time. I'm sorry to interrupt. That was my slip-up. It's all good. It's all good. Ladies and gentlemen, we're gonna do it all together. How about one more time for Rick Shnoyer, everybody? Shnoyer! Thank you, thank you.

So I was in the H-E-B parking lot the other day and I almost got hit by that thing. I forget what it's called, but it's kind of like the human centipede except for shopping carts. Oh, the train. The train shopping carts. Yeah, I'm just minding my own business and I almost saw a train ran on me. Pain in my ass, you know? I don't know, a train would be a lot. Give me a threesome though, any day. Specifically one with two girls. I feel like a threesome with a dude.

It's kind of like going to a diner and you order a sandwich, and you got a big pickle on the side with it. It's like, I didn't ask for the pickle. I don't really want the pickle there. Because now it's going to get its taste all over the thing that I want to eat. All right., thanks everybody. Rick Shnoyer. Hello Rick, welcome.

How are you honey? Why did you lead with H-E-B? You know where we are right? What do you mean by that exactly? By Texas? Yeah, Texas, yeah. What ethnicity are you by the looks of your nose? Yeah, Texas, yeah. What ethnicity are you? By the looks of your nose, I'm guessing you're Ari Shaffir.

Oh, I'm actually German and Croatian. Oh, wow. That is the opposite of what I would have guessed. Look at you, though. Amazing. Amazing, amazing. How long you been doing standup? Like off and on, four years. When you say off and on, mostly off I'm guessing.

Mostly off, yeah. By the way that minute went, why off so much? You know, I just had other stuff to do. No, I don't know. And I don't know what other stuff you would do. When I did this, I threw myself in seven days a week, absolutely obsessed every single night forever for years. So I don't know what other stuff you would do when I did this I threw myself in seven days a week Absolutely obsessed every single night forever for years, so I don't know what do you mean by that other stuff to do? Well, I would go to like open mics. Maybe you want someone so why would you so what what?

So like practicing guitar once a month Okay So do you love it like well who why it why? It's something that I was very passionate about. That you are very passionate about? What, not committing to something? Your true passion is failure? Yeah, yeah, I'm looking forward to the part where I'm just like, I quit. I'm kind of confused. I'm trying to understand.

Why would you only do it once a month if you're passionate about it? Oh, it was just always like a dream of mine. I would have loved to got like an hour special or something like that I was just a cool thing to do. You thought you were gonna get an hour special just out of nowhere? How do you? No, that was like my optimistic like take on it or my goal. Okay, this doesn't make any sense at all. All right.

What do you do for work? Oh, I actually didn't want to talk about work because I don't want to get fired. Okay, all right. This is, you didn't want to do comedy? You don't want to do an interview? It's fucking incredible. I'll talk to you about anything else.

What field of work do you live working? Biology. Are you good at it? I mean I'm actually biological myself. What does that mean? Oh god. Are you a child predator? Wow okay can you tell us anything interesting about your entire life before I get you out of here in a record-setting length interview? Yeah, sure. So I'm from Pennsylvania originally. Unbelievable. Amazing. Wow. That's pretty cool.

Yeah, you and... I'm full of crush in it right now. I didn't think you had it in you, but you really stepped it up. Incredible. You and... The comeback story of the year with that Pennsylvania story. Man, I fucking dug down deep. You're a real Doug Flutie. Yeah.

I ask anything interesting about you, you have a quick answer. Yes, I'm one of the nine million people from Pennsylvania. Oh, well, I wanted to say that I spent maybe three years living out on the West Coast. So that was like California, Oregon, like living out in my car and stuff. What were you doing during that? I did some seasonal jobs and I also rolled.

Like what kind of seasonal jobs? So I worked in the Stanislaus National Forest. What did you do in the National Forest? I just like hiked around. Hiked around. Amazing. I gotta tell you, you might be one of truly the most boring fucking human beings that's ever signed up for the show.

Absolutely incredible. I wish you the best of luck in the world of biology. Well, you do work in biology. Do you have any questions for RFK Jr.? He's written many, many books. Oh, in, okay. About science and whatnot, medical, perhaps biology, one could even say.

What do you think was the hardest dichotomous key that you had to use? Can you say that one more time? I don't understand a goddamn word that, oh, out of your mouth. I would like to introduce you all, though, to my cricket. This is actually, these are very good pets. If anybody, they have the most protein per pound

of any animal. This is little Marilyn Monroe, I call her. Cause if you stroke her enough, she squirts. Anyway, I'm not hurting her. I'm not hurting her. I just got her right here. She's all right. She's all right. She's all right. She's all right. She's all right.

She's all right. She's all right. She's all right. She's all right. She's all right. She's all right. She's all right. She's all right.

She's all right. She's all right. She's all right. She's all right. She's all right. She's all right. She's all right. She's all right.

She's all right. She's all right. She's all right. She's all right. She's all right. She's all right. She's all right. She's all right. I wanted to get a woman out of the bucket, so I pulled until I found a woman. The great RFK Jr. said this has been a sausage fest. I totally agree. Here we go. Some female energies coming our way.

This is 60 seconds uninterrupted. And I do believe perhaps the Kill Tony debut of Jamie Lee Simmons, everybody. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go.

Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. What's up? I'm Jamie. I feel like I look like Ariel if she collected vibrators instead of forks. Thanks guys. Despite how I look, I do love my dad. You know, I love my dad so much we share one bedroom apartment together. I hear some of your reactions. I see your faces. You're like, how does she do that? Fuck my dad. No, that's crazy. Perverts. All of you. No, it's easy. I stay in the master bedroom. My dad stays on the mantle. Yeah, I'll let that sink in.

Oh, you guys thought I had red hair and a dad? Come on. No, I have an OnlyFans. R.I.P, he's proud. I would sell my voice just to hear my dad say, I love you one last time. All right, thanks, guys. I'm Jamie. Jamie Lee Simmons. Welcome, welcome, Jamie.

Thanks for having me. How long you been doing stand-up? About two and a half years. Where at? I started in Boston, then went to Miami, and now I'm here. Boston, Miami, Austin. Very cool. I love it.

What do you do for work? Podcast, right? Yes, I have a podcast, Two Girls, One Blunt. Full time. Full time. What's it called? Two Girls, One Blunt. It's about weed, right blunt. Full time. Full time. What's it called? Two girls, one blunt. It's about weed, right?

Yeah. Yes. Yes. Good observation. Ari Shafir, taking note. I love it, Jamie. How's Austin been treating you? I love it here.

It's great. What do you love about Austin? I love the music, I love how nice everybody is. They are nice here. Yeah. It is incredible. Love the dating scene. Yeah, yeah, how's that going for you?

It's going great. Hanging out with musicians. Yeah, men are actually responding back. Yeah. It's a good thing. Testosterone. Oh, because in Miami you're ugly. Yeah, I'm a Miami four.

He's not wrong. He's not wrong. That is... I'm the one they don't let in the club. That is so Ari. It's okay. He'll hit on me after the show. It's fine. That is true. He definitely will. Or he'll look up my OnlyFans, I don't know. Is your OnlyFans Jamie Lee Simmons? Nope. I'll let him find it. It's a topless comic.

Okay. You do comedy topless on your OnlyFans? That's how I started, yeah. I would do, like, topless, open mic comedy. It was terrible, and I was fat. Wow. And somehow, I made a lot of money doing it, so here we are, living the dream. That's amazing.

My dad is proud. It's so cool to think guys would sign up for your OnlyFans and watch you do stand-up topless. Did anybody not mute it? You know, I didn't ask. I love it. Jamie, what are you afraid of? What scares you?

Sometimes I ask people, what scares them? What scares you? Sometimes I ask people, what scares them? What scares me? Yeah, you like have a quirky fear of something? Is there, is it? Oh my, I have like a rational fear and I don't know what this is. Maybe it was a past life, but I'm terrified of sleeping on my back because I think when I'm sleeping on my back, someone's going to stab me directly through the nipple. And that would make my topless comedy pretty hard. Yeah, that would. Yeah, yeah. But then again, there's guys that are into that RFK show.

Does the carpet match your vagina? All right. We were all thinking that. I don't think that's exactly how the saying goes. He's trying. I love it. Jamie, what did make you go with that color hair? That is an interesting color, very Ronald McDonald. You know, I think what every girl does when they go through a breakup, right ladies?

We dye our hair. We do something we can control. You went through a big breakup recently? No, this was like in 2020. breakup, right ladies? We dye our hair. We do something we can control. You went through a big breakup recently? No, this was like in 2020. Oh, just what? I went through a breakup that night, starred in OnlyFans, dyed my hair red. I was feeling a lot of things.

Yeah, okay. How long were you with that guy for? Not long. I didn't say it was mentally well, guys, okay? You could have got that from the comedy. That makes sense. What are you into like hobby wise when you're not doing stand-up or something like that anything else wild? Yeah well I just stay home with my four cats. Four cats? Yeah why go anywhere when I can stay at the

Pussy Palace you know? Four cats. Four cats. Did you move here with four cats? I did. Did you live in Miami the whole time with four cats? I did. Did you live in Boston the whole time with four cats? I had two. So when you moved to Miami, you got two more.

Yeah, break up, cat, you know. Oh my God. I'm a good time, okay, don't judge. Matt Mueling has six cats? What the fuck? Are you fucking kidding me? Oh my God, you fucking creepazoid. Six motherfucking cats.

You have six cats? Yep. What are their names? Mochi Jones, Mr. Brown, Pear, Esmeralda, Nody, and Buki. Buki! Wow. Buki's a sweetheart.

Absolutely incredible. If you two got into a relationship, you'd have 10 cats. Sounds like a family. She'd have to convince my wife of that. Well. I've always wanted a dad, so. Imagine that household.

Imagine that household. Just 10 cats, a husband, a wife, and a mentally ill topless comedian. Oh, and two daughters. You have kids? You didn't know that? You have kids? You have six cats and two daughters?

Jesus Christ, Matt Muehling. We need to have a conversation sometime. Let's hang out, bro. I didn't know any of this about you. We should grab a coffee sometime or something, Matt. Let's do it. We've been working together every Monday for years. This is absolutely wild.

Six cats, you have two daughters? Yeah, man. One of them is 16. What? Are you fucking serious? What's your only fan? You have a... Where's your sound effect? Red man. Red man. Where's your victory sound? There it is.

A 16 year old? You have a 16 year old cat or a daughter? 16 year old daughter. Wow. How old is the other daughter? 12. Oh my god. How old are the cats? A couple of them are like eight. Wow. That's a hundred years of pussy. Yeah. Incredible.

You have a century's worth of leave your shoes on pussy at your house. Amazing. Jamie Lee Simmons. So you've been sexually active all here in Austin, Texas. Not really. Oh. No, I've just been going on dates. Okay.

I need those papers first. What's the most fun, wait, what kind of papers do you need? The STD ones. Oh, I see. Yeah. You need to make sure that they're clean. Make sure they're good. Okay. How do you tell a, what do you, so on a date?

Yeah, I go, you wanna fuck? Get tested. It's really easy. And if they're like into you, they'll get tested. And then they, what, like they hit you up like a week later? Like, hey, what's up? Jesus Christ, I really need to fucking come. Oh my God, I'm freaking out.

Alcohol is worn off. Jesus, yeah. Herpes free at the bottom of this glass. Oh. Ha ha ha. Oh my god. Oh my god. Chug, chug, chug.

RFK Jr. might be one of the greatest guests in the history of this show. Oh, he chugged it. Oh my god. He's ready. USA, USA, USA, USA. Oh my god, this is incredible. I've actually got an allergy to cats

and I don't know what to do about it. And if anyone has any advice. Suck it up. You have an allergy to cats? Yeah, I break it. And you also have full blown herpes. This is quite the conundrum. Yeah, what, how do I?

This will never work between us. So sometimes guys, like they go get tested and like a week later they're whatever, they hit you up and they're like, hey, I'm clean. Well, somebody I've been like going out with for a while, like on multiple dates, now we're at that that point So you check the papers? Yes, and then you have unprotected sex with them. I Mean that would be crazy to make them wear a condom at that point, right? Yeah So let me ask you this they show you the papers then you have sex with them, right?

And then after that you'll basically have sex with them anytime they want right? Or do you have them retest between before every... Well, I'm like, yeah, hopefully I'm fucking someone I trust. And then they're like, hey, I hooked up with someone I'm gonna get tested before we sleep together. That's the right thing to do. Why is that foreign? You still trust guys after buying four cats and...

Yeah, I trust men. You know, there's a template. You can download a template online, though, for, like, you just fill in your name, and it looks like you have a positive, like, or a negative, uh... -♪ Red band music playing. -♪ Red band.

That's what he does. I know who's making my next clean STD test. I never thought of that. I love it. Jamie Lee Simmons, very funny. Oh, but that would be on the secret show. Oh my God. Here you go.

Here's the big joke book. The great Jamie Lee Simmons has made her Kill Tony debut. Let's get one more bucket pull up here. Then we're gonna put a big ribbon on this thing. Make some noise, one minute uninterrupted for Andrew Renaud, everybody. Andrew Renaud. Here we go.

Oh, one more time for Andrew, everybody. Hello, hello. Thank you for having me. It's my birthday today if you can believe that. I was gonna try to grease the wheels a little bit and tell everybody it was my birthday when I signed up but I had to let Karma, I had to let Karma work its way out and I can't believe I'm the last bucket bowl for tonight. I only have one joke prepared, it's about Michael Lehrer. We could all just bow our heads for a minute. I'm ugly Jesus, sorry.

So it'll be about a year since Michael passed soon. Actually the first time I ever signed up was on the night that he was supposed to do assisted suicide. That was Halloween two years ago I think and then he didn't do it and I blame him because this is the joke that I had prepared in honor of Michael Lehrer's life. I want to take all of his performances and I want to press them to vinyl and if you want the authentic experience you just listen to him at 33 speed that super long drone but if you want to hear him tell his jokes at a

regular cadence just play it at 78 that's my joke okay well in honor of Michael Lair there was a long moment of silence at your what should have been there was no way this was gonna go well, it's okay. How are you Andrew? This is your first time doing stand-up. It is hell. Yeah. Yes. How old are you? 51 today 51 today. Happy birthday my friend. Hold on. Hold on We're pretty much the same age and you look like shit Yeah, what's been going on what are you been these 51 years? I did a full career in the Navy. Okay. That's where this comes from. So a lot of time in submarines?

No. Surface ships. Okay. Why do you look like Old Navy? I am Old Navy. You do. When you had the hat on, you looked like both Curious George and the owner. It is hot in here. Would you like me to put the hat back on?

Sure. I think it creates a little bit more likeability. There you go. Yeah, I know. I come across as a jerk and that's what I know is going to make this super hard for me. Okay. You're like if somebody mushed Jack Black and Kyle Gass together and took out all the comedy. Okay. What's the funniest thing you think you've ever done before? Funniest thing? You ever like pull a prank on the other Navy guys or something? Well, it's a super long story, so it'd be really...

Eh, let's name it. Here's a big joke book just because it's your birthday. Congratulations. There he goes. Andrew Renaud, I love that you paid tribute to Michael Lair. That's cool. The first ever member of the Kiltoni Hall of Fame, the late, great Michael Lair. We love him and always will. One of my old, great, best friends.

Thank you. There he goes, Michael Renaud, everybody. And now, with that said, it's time to get back to comedy, ladies and gentlemen. And with a show that started with William Montgomery, I think there's only one way to end an episode like this. Ladies and gentlemen, I'm glad that there is one of the members of the new presidential

administration on this panel. Because this young man, RFK, this young man is a guy who I'm really hoping we can speed up the citizenship process for. We need this guy to become an American. But right now, he is simply an Estonian assassin. Ladies and gentlemen, this is a new minute from the great Ari Mati. I eat ass. I'm tired of hiding it ladies.

Don't hide your asshole. My tongue is going up that ass. If you're, if you're not going to tell me, I'm going of hiding it, ladies. Don't hide your asshole. My tongue is going up that ass. If you're a lady with a guy who doesn't eat your ass, what's wrong? A little poo poo on your mouth? Mm. Ooh, a little poo poo.

Gay boy? I don't give a fuck! I remember when the research came out, they were like, it's official, squirt this piss. I was at home like, I guess I'm a toilet. I don't give a fuck! Every liquid you ladies make, I want in my mouth as soon as possible.

Anybody under period, save the tampon. I want to make some tea later. Thank you. Ari Mati has done it again. Add it. Add it to the compilation, ladies and gentlemen. Absolutely incredible. You have done it again. Every liquid a lady makes.

How about tears? Would you take tears in your mouth? Everything, everything, everything. When I, Tony, when I die, it's in my will. When I die, mummify me in used panties. R.F.K. Junior knows a lot about human liquids and whatnot. What do you think about all this? You sir are never getting into this country.

Doesn't eating ass have some kind of vitamin or nutrients or something? I mean, you do bring up a pretty good point there, Tony, but the way he's eating ass, I can tell by how he's doing it all wrong. I noticed you've been squeezing your cricket while saying all this. Marilyn Monroe. You named it Marilyn Monroe? Told you that.

With her ears jacked ass, this is little Marilyn Monroe? Told you that. Oh, who'd you hear? It's Jackass. This is little Marilyn Monroe. And when you stroke her, she squirts. That's why I called her little Marilyn Monroe. My father, the story my father told me. Anyway. There she is. There's all, I mean, there's so much protein in this little one.

They're good pets, but one day I will consume her. No, don't worry, Marilyn. It'll be days from now, which is thousands of years for them. So it's all good. Oh, Ari, how's life been? What are you been up to? Amazing. I've been chilling. Oh, I did the Adam Ray show. I was so, so nervous before it, but turns out, Kill Tony fans, they love me. Yeah, they really do. I also, I did the next night, he was in San Diego. You were in Phoenix, Arizona.

Nobody had a fight during my set. Yeah, it was the perhaps the dumbest thing I've ever witnessed in my entire life. I was in San Diego complementing how great burritos are in San Diego. I don't know what's going on. I just cannot stay away from trouble lately. I talk about how great the burritos are in San Francisco. At the same time, I also say that the Mexican food overall is better in Texas. And they start booing. I go, I've lived there for four years,

and I lived here in California for about 20 years. I know what the fuck I'm talking about. They just keep booing based on principle. I tell them, you people have never left San Diego. Your parents live here, you were raised here. They all laughed, because that's true. And then one guy in the front goes, this little guy, he's like, um, excuse me, like this, because it's California.

And we wanted it, me and Adam wanted to hear what he had, Dr. Phil wanted to hear what he had to say. And so he goes, actually, the burrito was invented in San Francisco in 1975, which is like the dumbest, gayest thing ever, humanly possible. And the crowd was just in a ruckus. There was something about this guy saying,

San Francisco invented the burrito, me saying that Texas has better Mexican food. All the Latinos were having so much fun. There was one angry, fat white woman, as always, right on cue. Just a simple case of psychology. This is a woman that eats, eats, eats, eats, eats, right? Consumes, consumes, consumes, consumes,

and then has to blab, blab, blather dumb shit out of her face. Because, you know, there's got to be an opposite reaction. And so she started a fistfight with women around her that were like, shut up bitch, stop yelling. Because she was yelling, she's like, everyone don't race. She went for a choke, I saw that video. Yeah, it was absolutely insane.

Nothing makes any sense anymore. Fat women have got out of control in this country. Yeah. Yeah. It's so obvious you haven't hit women in a while. It's unbelievable. It's unbelievable. That the only person that caused any ruckus

during my political thing was a fat white woman. I mean, it is just right on cue. Robert, what did you say about hitting white women, fat women? I heard you muttering just right on cue. Robert, what did you say about a fat woman? I heard you muttering over there. Yeah. Just quietly agreeing. Ha ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! Oh. Ha ha ha ha! Anything else going on, Ari? Also, in that video, you know, she grabbed the girl's throat, and the guy stood there.

I think isn't that a reason to... If you grab my girl's throat, it's over. You fat piece of shit getting head kicked. The girl that was being grabbed was also really chill about it. She was like, hey! She was super chill, and if you notice, the guy next to her, the girl whose neck is getting grabbed is like laughing and pointing at the lady like that,

which leads me to believe that his girl, who literally matched the exact, it was like they were grabbing each other's jugulars, I think that she had training of some kind and the boyfriend's just like, you don't wanna fucking do this fat, stupid. Bitch. Yes. And like, they were literally enjoying themselves.

It was absolutely incredible. They had a great old time. It was, shoot, you know, there was no victim other than the fucking whiny lady that was mad about everything. The pig, this red band, just signified by that snorting sound effect. I'm just acknowledging the animal

that he was doing an impression of. I was just yawning. Oh, yeah. Ari Matty, another unbelievable set. That's how you fucking do it. The regulars tonight. Absolutely incredible. Future American citizen, Ari Matty.

I gotta tell you guys, for the love of God, Kyle Dunnigan dot com. Get fucking tickets. See this guy on tour, absolutely destroyed all weekend. This is the plug that RFK Jr. was interested in. He's a big Kyle Dunnigan fan. How loud can this place get for the great RFK Jr. was interested in. He's a big Kyle Dunnigan fan. How loud can this place get for the great RFK Jr.? I mean, wow.

I don't know about you guys. I don't know. If it translated to your homes halfway as hard as it made me laugh, I was fucking dying tonight. He was just muttering. I would be guest of the year, huh? I would venture to say without a doubt he's in the running for guest of the year. Ari Shaffir.

He was just muttering in character the whole time off mic. Just going, oh, hold on, search the show, sorry. It's hysterical. Very hard to host this type of show where I literally just wanna fall back

in my chair laughing the whole time. I have to somehow keep it together. Ari Shaffir, what's going on? You're in town all week, huh? Yeah, I'm in town all week. I'm just hanging out in Austin. Oh, we're gonna have so much fun. It's a cool town.

I just saw some good honky tonks today. Yeah. Slide guitar, yeah. I'm so excited. Got a new special coming out, January 14th. Hell yeah, January 14th. What's it called? It's called America's Sweetheart,

because that's what I am. Oh my goodness, that's adorable. Thank you. Let me show you guys my pubes. Oh my goodness. I'm done with that. I'm done with that. Check that out on Netflix.

Kyle Dunnigan dot com. He's on tour. You saw it here tonight. Let him know you came from the Kill Tony Universe. on Netflix, kiledunnigan.com. He's on tour. You saw it here tonight. Let him know you came from the Kill Tony universe. The drawing from Ryan G. He belted his in. Let's see what Chris Rogers has.

Oh my God, is that little baby Tony? I'm no baby Tony. Oh my God. Oh my, that's adorable. Wow. That's the cutest thing ever. Look at that. My hairline wasn't that big when I was a baby.

But his mustache was. That is adorable. How about a hand for Chris Rogers, Chris Rogers Art. Zippix toothpicks. And again, another big shout out to the amazing people over at Ghost Patch Custom. They make a bunch of stuff. Patches, pins, poker chips, decals, badges, coins, a bunch of stuff. Check them out.

Ghostpatchcustom.com. Send some traffic their way. These amazing I Bombed It, Kill Tony torpedoes are absolutely unbelievable. It's all run by police officers, former police officers, so that's cool. Thank you so much for coming out everybody. Red band, love you guys, we love you. Thank you. Good night everybody. I'm going to go ahead and get started. Thanks for watching!