KILL TONY - #702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS

Episode Date: January 28, 2025

Shane Gillis, Mark Normand, Ari Shaffir, Kam Patterson, William Montgomery, Ari Matti, Hans Kim, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, Jon Deas, Matthew Muehling, Joe White, Kristie Nova, Yoni, Troy Conrad, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban - RECORDED– 01/13/2025 TONY HINCHCLIFFE @TONYHINCHCLIFE TONYHINCHCLIFFE.COM BRIAN REDBAN @REDBAN DEATHSQUAD.TV SUNSETSTRIPATX.COM Go to https://shopify.com/killtony to start selling with Shopify today. Right now, our listeners get 35% off when you order through https://nykdpouches.com/tony - this special offer isn’t just for your first purchase… use this up to three times! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Death Squad.tv, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out TonyHinchcliffe.com for everything the Golden Pony, Tony Hinchcliffe. You can also check out ShopSquad.tv for Death Squad merch, hats, mugs, whatever. ShopSquad.tv. And now, here's a brand new episode of Killtoni. Nashville, Tennessee, one of the finest cities in the beautiful United States of America.

We are coming directly to you. The Killtoni Show, live from the Bridgestone Arena, April 4th and 5th. Tickets are on sale now. It's one of the largest arenas we've ever done. This is your chance to get tickets. Go to Ticketmaster.com, type in the word Kill Tony and get tickets now. We will see you in April. and save the world to try chocolate rain chocolate rain that is so funny

chocolate rain chocolate rain chocolate rain chocolate rain chocolate rain chocolate rain Hey, this is Redman coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hitchcock! Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

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Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Kill Tony band, make some noise for them, you've been listening to them. That's Carlos Sosa, Raul Vallejo and Fernando Castillo on the horns. Charles Reed joining us on the drums tonight, crushing it. The male model Matt Muehling on the electric guitar. The great John Dees on the keys and Dee Madness on the bass guitar tonight. An unbelievable episode for y'all coming at you. Before we get started, here's a little bit more

from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to SunsetStripATX.com for tickets. Miller Lite. The light beer brewed for people who love the taste of beer and the perfect pairing for your game time. When Miller Lite set out to brew a light beer, they had to choose great taste or 90 calories per can. They chose both because they knew the best part of beer is the beer. Your game time tastes like Miller Time. Learn more at MillerLite.ca. Must be legal drinking age.

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Conditions apply, offer ends January 31st, 2025. Visit td.com slash DI offer to learn more. TDI Direct Investing TDI Direct Investing TDI Direct Investing TDI Direct Investing TDI Direct Investing Are you guys ready to start tonight's show? Well, well, well, well, well, you know, every single week, I am lucky to be able to book

some of the funniest people in the world on this show. Sometimes it's an up and coming talent that you've never heard of before that I like to show off first. Sometimes it is an old legend of comedy that's joining us. Tonight, it is three of our favorite guests in the history of The Fucking Show. It doesn't get any better than this as I bring to the stage, indeed, coming out debuting with his newest Netflix

special tonight at midnight. It's called America's Sweetheart. It is Ari Shaffir, Shane Gillis, and Mark Norman. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. The boys are back in town! Shane Gillis! Ari Shaffir! And Mark Norman! Let's fucking go! We are in Austin, Texas! This episode brought to you by Shopify,

Price Picks, Bluechew, and ZipRecruiter. Oh my God. You are here in the vortex of comedy. Fresh off of a brand new episode of Protect Our Parks, this is indeed the boys, Mark Normand, Shane Gillis, and Ari Shaffir. American Sweetheart comes out tonight at midnight. Americans or American?

Americans. America's Sweetheart. Belonging to America? Absolutely. That's me. That is you, the old red, white, and Jew. Mark Normand here, sunglasses up. Long day, protect our parks.

Five hour episode from what I'm understanding. All prophets go to the Maui fires. Pfft. Yeah. Oh, Jesus Christ. Those fucking blacks. And brought to you by Bud Light. Yeah. Oh, Jesus Christ. Those fucking blacks. And brought to you by Bud Light.

Shane Gillis is here, ladies and gentlemen. Three veterans of the show. You guys all know how it works. Who's on drums? That is Charles Reed. Michael Gonzalez is playing with Keith Urban tonight in a football stadium somewhere. This band plays.

Round of applause for Keith Urban. Who gave that fuck? The band looks more urban. You got some new digs here, Tony. Nice new equipment. Yeah. We're leveling up. We're upgrading.

Upgrading. We even got a little fucking monitors here so we can hear better for the first time ever. Just got to get rid of Red Band. Yeah. He's hanging on by his thread. Oh my god, that would be the dream. All he does is press fucking bird buttons. Oh fuck! He got you. He got you back on that. He got me. I've pre-pulled the first name.

We've gone to wrangle them across the bar. It's all over you. Little brusky. Oh yeah, one bud light down. Right on the new monitor. That's great. The table explodes. Oh yeah, it's on. That green light means that there's power running to it. That's my jizz rag.

Oh my goodness. This is how the forest fire started. You guys know how it works. I pull a comedian out of the bucket, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know the time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up. Then they bring out the anger of West Hollywood Bear,

which rudely interrupts them and begins the interview portion of the show where I find out more about them, what they do, who they are, and what they could be talking about in this world. They go from a comedian to a podcast guest in a minute. You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show? All right, we're gonna start it

with a golden ticket winner who is from Los Angeles, California, currently escaping the fires. He's here with the new minute. It's been a while. This is your first comedian, 60 seconds uninterrupted going to Jack Shaw, everybody. The return of Jack Shaw.

All right, guys. Man, I've been working on standing up for myself because I went to performing arts school. I drive a fucking Fiat, and I was recently told that I look like what a white girl transitions to. I was driving my Fiat in the fast lane the other day. It was a big fucking day for me,

when all of a sudden this guy starts honking behind me, giving me the finger, saying, Fuck you! Fuck you! So I decide to pull over in the right lane, let him pass me. He pulls up next to me, rolls down his window, and says, roll down your window, you trans bitch! And I said, nope!

Ah! This made this man so mad. I swear to you this happened. He took out pantomime finger guns and shot me. Pow! And I pantomime caught the bullet in my teeth! Ow! Don't pantomime with me, bitch!

I went to performing arts school! Thank you guys so much. Exactly one minute from Jack Shaw. Not a second longer, not a second less. A man thrifty with his time. Ari Shafir, what's it like seeing your little brother? Baruch Hashem, my brother. It's so good to see you.

Bro, you're gonna have a heart attack. You gotta chill. I know, dude. I know, dude. The blood is rushing to my cock and my heart at the same time. It's crazy, dude. Are you always this shaky or is it just... Yes.

Yeah? All right. Well, then you're calm. Yeah. He is a wild boy, Jack Shaw. How's escaping L.A. right now going for you? Oh, my God, dude. I'm so happy to be here. The whole fucking city's burning the ground. I shouldn't have thrown that joint out the window when I left dude.

I feel really bad about that dude. That was really embarrassing dude. Probably your fucking menorah. Yeah. A lot of candles. Eighth night Hanukkah special dude, burned down the whole fucking city dude, great. But you're not in the line Night Hanukkah special, dude. Burn down the whole fucking city, dude. Great.

But you're not in the line of fire there, correct? No, I'm deep in the concrete, dude. I cannot afford to live in the palace. However you are wearing clothes given to you by the volunteer fire department. Yeah, yeah. Clearly nothing fits you. You look like the little boy from the movie Big when he turns into a kid and is stuck with his grown-up clothes on.

I got it free right off a body, dude. It was awesome. Okay. All right. Okay, you're really running with it there. If you're here, who's taking care of your shrunken kids? Ha-ha-ha-ha. Some random black guy. One of the band members is going to knock him out.

Ha ha ha ha ha. I forgot about that. So what's been going on? Tell us about your life, Jack. Since we've seen you last. Anything crazy happening? Man, Aaron Belial's been taking me on the road with him, dude. He's been fucking awesome to me. He's been really cool. Alright, so you're opening for Aaron Belial. Yeah, opening for a guy who can't talk.

You ever walk in... My fucking career's starting at the bottom, dude. You should walk in the room first and go, -"I'm cured." Yeah, yeah. -"It's me, Aaron. I'm totally fine." I did. I love it. I love his audiences, man.

I did a show with him in Sacramento, and this lady came up to me after the show, and she said, Jack, I love your comedy. You're such an inspiration to my son. He's also retarded. Wow. Yeah. Hopefully, Aaron's audiences make more noise than he does. Okay.

Hey, what's that car ride like between the two of you? Oh, I don't know. They're strapped in the back of a van. Dude, he was driving, dude, and he's trying to talk to me while he's driving. He's got one hand, he's texting and driving and talking to me at the same time. Oh my God. Who is this guy? Aaron Belial.

He's the one that we were talking about. He's sickly gay. We weren't supposed to talk about it. He loves cocks. Aaron Belial, he's the one that we were talking about. He's sickly gay. We weren't supposed to talk about it. He loves cocks. Aaron Belial loves cocks, loves sucking them. Black, white, brown, whatever. Aaron Belial, the cocksucker. Oh, all right.

I thought that was Airy Matty. All right. It's easy to get them all confused. Jack, what else? How was Hanukkah? Hanukkah was great. Hanukkah, Hanukkah. I love Hanukkah! Hanukkah! Hanukkah! I love Hanukkah, Tony!

Jesus fucking Christ. How was Christmas, Tony? God, if you were any Jewier, you would just fucking... Burn? Ha-ha-ha. ["Hannukkah Theme Song"] Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Ha-ha.

Put me on the steak, Tony. I love it. Bro, your voice makes me hate Jews. Well, if this was the Holocaust, Ari would be like, he's underneath the floorboards. Please, for the love of God, get him away from me. Ari, you look like an anti-Semitic drawing of a Jewish person. You son of a bitch. You son of a bitch. You son of a bitch!

What's wrong with you, Frank? Look at your fucking face, god damn it! Look at the Jews turning on each other. Don't know what to do. Free Palestine! Don't free Palestine! Free Palestine! We don't know what to do, man. That is quite an iron dome you got here. For real though, you guys should free Palestine.

Yeah, I know. No, that's definitely true. It's done. Let's do it on the count of three, Ari. One, two, three. Free Palestine. Free. Go home.

More free. It's all about free with you guys. Yeah, yeah. Jack Shaw, way to get the fucking show started. Congratulations. Thank you, Shodan. We have begun. It has begun.

And to our first bucket pool, this is where we meet someone altogether. Even though this name looks familiar, I do believe we've seen this person before. This is a new minute from your first bucket pool tonight. Andrew Tarr, everybody. Here is Andrew Tarr. All right.

I saw the movie Oppenheimer. During the movie, they explained why Hitler never pursued nuclear weapons, and it's because he considered quantum physics to be Jews science. And I was just trying to put myself in Hitler's shoes, right? He's just watching a bunch of Jews working on atomic weapons, and he's thinking to himself,

man, these people are so cheap, they're trying to split an atom. What the hell is wrong with these people? Smallest particle in the universe. They want to cut it in half. We have to do something about this. Now I remember growing up in the early 2000s, like when SpongeBob came out and everybody's parents were like, ah, it's going to make the kids gay. And now everyone's gay. They were right.

They knew exactly what they were talking about. Okay. Great set. Thank you. Best set you've ever had on the show. Yeah. Congratulations. Getting better out there had on the show. Yeah. Congratulations. Getting better out there.

Absolutely trying. Yeah, absolutely. Welcome back, Andrew Tarr. So, uh... Tony, what the fuck you invite me down for here? All the... It's a Jewish heavy episode so far. It's like the roast of Ari to celebrate.

Unfortunate timing on that anti-Semitism. Yeah, yeah. We were just getting after it. It's a great joke. It could have been better, but we were... The whole room was kind of like, all right, I might be going a little too far here. I've been planning to tell that joke on here for such a long time.

I'm waiting in the back. I heard all of it. I was like, fuck, should I do something else? It's like, screw it, we're doing it. It was perfect. Typical Jew joke, you squeezed every penny out of it. So what's been going on, Andrew Tarr? How's comedy? You're better, you look like you have some vitamin D

in your system, what's going on? Yeah, getting out, getting out there, barely getting by doing comedy, but getting by. Going on dates and stuff. Actually was supposed to be on a date tonight, but she canceled. Whoa. Yeah. Look at that.

Now I get pulled on Kill Tony, so. Amazing. Way better than it would've gotten. Amazing. What would you have done on the date? Who was it with? Just some lady on Hinge. Okay.

You've never been with her before? No, never. What was your big plan? What were you gonna do with her? I hinge. Okay. You've never been with her before? No, never. What was your big plan? What were you going to do with her? I just get drinks at Lost Perlis. Okay. Talk and chit chat and stuff. How does that normally go for you?

You seem like you'd be an awkward date. Yeah. Yeah, that happens. I'm an acquired taste. Typically, they have to, if they like me a lot, it's great. If I have to win them over, there's no way and chance, no way in hell I'm doing that. Right.

Let's get back to the Jew hate. How old are you? 30. Wow. Hey, you're cute. That hair. Yeah. You got like a little carton face.

Threw me off. Yeah, you're a handsome guy. Thank you, thank you. Look at that, looks like he found a date after all. Shane wants to get some drinks at Pearl's after this. Oh, boy. To keep the juicier alive, we'll run a train on you. Yeah.

Absolutely. I'm not going to say who, but two of the panelists have gas tonight. Going from a cancel date to being gangbanged by Protect Our Parks is not how I thought tonight was gonna go. Hey, that's how we met Rogan. How else has comedy been going, Andrew Tarr? What else is happening out there?

Just opening up for a couple of local people, opening up for a couple of... Going, opening up for a couple of... Going on the road? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Where have you been? What do you like? What do you hate? Uh, Oklahoma City, Tulsa. I mean, I like anywhere that'll have me.

Uh, can't exactly be picky. Right. Right. So just one state up, just a few hours away. Yeah. Yeah, then, like, San Diego, where I'm from, so I'll do spots between there and there. Okay. Do you know if you change around the letters in your name, it spells Juan Retard? Yeah, then like San Diego where I'm from, so I'll do spots between there and there. Okay. Do you know if you change around the letters in your name,

it spells Juan Retard? That is incredible. He is correct. I can confirm that. I'm looking at the name. Retard is in there. Juan Retard. W-A-N-R-E-T-A-R-D.

That is incredible. How did you know that? I don't know. It's like insult Rain Man over here. Uh... Uh, did you know that, uh, according to your zip code, if you translate it to Morris code, it spells out f***.

Uh... Wow. Did anyone call you Tard? Oh, all the time, but I've never heard the one retard. I don't know how I'm just now hearing that after 30 years. It'll happen from now on. This is a pretty popular show. One retard. Oh, cool.

I got a new credit. You might know this guy as the one retard from Gil Tony. Yep. Well, from one retard to another, you did very good tonight. You have a big joke book? No, I don't. You've only gotten small joke books before.

No, the last time I was on this show, you didn't have the joke books yet. Oh. Really? Yeah. Well. Who's the Jew now, Tony? Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! I am. Cause I don't even pay for these. These are made by the great Bones Eye. They're available at KillMerch.com. Here's a big joke book. And I would love to have you on the secret show, man. Whoa.

Book on the road. Juan Gritard, AKA Andrew Tarr. Whoa, there she is, the lovely Heidi, adding a little mustard to this sausage fest. Can I get a cigar? Do you guys have cigars back there? Yeah, thanks. All right. Hell yeah.

What are you guys for a cigar? Yeah. What are you gonna pull a Bill Clinton over there? What's going on? That's a good idea. I'll just on the dress. He's gonna get one too. Hello there everyone.

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this is the Kill Tony debut of Big Vinny. Big Vinny, let's see what happens here. Oh yeah, it's Big Vinny. Hello great people of Austin, Texas. And Mexicans. Did you know the most selfish people on the planet are Make-A-Wish kids? Instead of meeting LeBron James, Taylor Swift, or John Cena,

they could wish for something that would help everybody, like making Suicide Hotline go straight to Mr. Beast. Seriously, that would help some people. Nobody appreciates a wasted wish. Imagine you're the Make-A-Wish kid's dad, $50,000 in debt, swimming in medical bills, and your kid just wishes to go to the movie theater one last time. You're in the room crying.

That's so cute. Close the door, walk out. That sick sack of shit could have cleared my fucking debt. I would have brought him to the fucking theater one more time. I'm very Italian. There's more to that joke. Italian. Italian. Italian. Italian. Italian. Italian.

Italian. Italian. Italian. Italian. Italian. Italian. Italian. Italian.

Italian. Italian. Italian. Italian. Italian. Italian. Italian. Italian.

Italian. Italian. Italian. Italian. Italian. Italian. Italian. Italian. Italian. Italian. there. Big Vinny. Fuck yeah, what's happening?

You're really Italian? Yup, and I love you guys, all of you. Fuck yeah, bro. I'm tough to our parcs, my fucking shit. I'm glad you said that. Tony's the fucking man. Okay, all right. You're the fucking goat.

Okay, relax, and you're a fucking pig, all right. Welcome, welcome, Big Vinny. He's a guinea pig. He is. Mark Normand, I love it. What the fuck are you wearing? What is that? It's a parachute, you know, so I can save myself.

I fall from a high building if I want to kill myself after this. Okay. We'll see how it goes. It's been going well. I love you guys. I don't think you need to jump off that high of a building to kill yourself, by the way.

The bigger they are, the harder they fall. I think you could jump off the trunk of a car and fucking explode like a blueberry. You are a big boy. How much do you weigh, Big Vinny? I haven't been weighed in a while. I'm excited. Well, we got a scale for that, everybody!

We got a scale for that. Let's get it. Let me do a guess. Take this. All right, let's guess. Don't say it. Don't say it. All right, don's get it. Let me do a guess. Take bets. Alright let's guess. Don't say it. Alright don't don't say it. Okay let's start with Mark Norman. Guess first. I'm gonna go with 418. 418 that's a good guess. Ari Shaffir. I'm gonna say 375. Same as Red Band. 375. I love the music coming from the horn players. Wait a second, Big Vinny.

325. What, 325? What are you talking about? How tall are you? 6'3". 6'3", right. All right, 6'3". 335.

335, a very, he's going Price is Right style over here. 335, one, one. He weighs one. Wait, Big Vinny, don't stand on it yet. I've never seen an obese guy this excited to step on a scale. When he stood on it for a second, the scale said, help me. Red band? I'm guessing 420.

Ooh, 420 is a good guess. Okay. I'm going to take the over in this. I'm going to go 421. You f- And fuck off, right, bands back. And now. No, three, yeah.

I think, you have a good chance at this. 342. 342. I changed mine to 345. You're at 335. I'm done, I'm done, I'm done. Ladies and gentlemen, this is that moment. Big Vinny steps on the scale.

Let's see what happens here. Mark, what do we got over there? No. You got... Wait a minute. It's malfunctioning. Hold on. It says 2618.

It says the time. It's on Central. I think that's when you die. Hold on. Where's the producers here? What is it? What is it saying? Hold on, here's Heidi. Oh, wait, we gotta put it on pounds.

KG. He was on kilograms. Somehow they knew. All right, here he is, ladies and gentlemen. One of the most morbidly obese people we've ever had on this show. Stepping on a scale. We're way off.

365. Whoa, 365. That would mean that technically, Shane Gillis wins with a 335. Ari overbid. Ari's closest, but this is the Price is Right rules. And the weight is great, one could say. You're incredibly not as fat as you look.

Maybe you should stop wearing family tents. Yeah, you look like you're fumigating yourself. What do you do for a living, Big Vinny? Nothing right now. I need a job. I could be a door guy anywhere. I've had a lot of experience and I've done a lot of jobs. Like what? What do you do for a living, Big Vinny? Nothing right now. I need a job. I could be a door guy anywhere. I've had a lot of experience and I've done a lot of jobs. Like what? What do you mean? What are you really good at? How could you be a door guy if you could get winded

showing someone to their seat? I'm very athletic. I'll beat you in a race, Ari. Wait a second. Whoa! Guaranteed. Wait a second. Guaranteed. What?

Fuck yeah. I'll fucking dust you. Yes. Let's do it. Let's do it. Oh, my god. Be careful, Ari. This guy clearly stormed the Capitol.

He can get those stairs in. Someone I went to school with did, but not me. OK. Capitol Grill. Did you play football somewhere? Yes. Where? Brockport High School. OK? Brockport High School.

Okay, Brockport High School. And how do you stay in shape? How could you beat Ari in a race? I always choose the highest apartments, like so I have to walk up the stairs. I'm forced to work out almost every day. And like, and I go to the gym every once in a while and I run with my husky and I think,

think I can catch him. You run? Yeah. At the park with my dog. Wow, you I can catch him. You run? Yeah. At the park with my dog. Wow. That's the only thing that forces me to run. You have a husky? Yep.

So does he. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Incredible. Incredible. So you don't have a job. Did you live in Austin? Yes, I've been living here the past two and a half months.

So how have you been surviving if you don't have a job? So I worked at an auction house before I moved here. He's been eating. He's been eating. He's been eating. He's been eating. He's been eating. He's been eating. He's two and a half months. So how have you been surviving if you don't have a job? So I worked at an auction house before I moved here.

You've been eating homeless people. Come here! Yeah, you step into their bedrooms really easily when you're walking down the street. It's like, one another bedroom. Jesus. Oh my goodness. So what did you do at the auction house? Were you an auctioneer?

I so at first I started in the shipping department, but I had experience, but those bastards put me at the lowest rung, but, and then I became a lister and fucking, you list all the, like the sports cards and autographed items, Takashi 69 baseballs, shit like that. Okay, all right. What's your love life like?

Are you out there crushing mattresses? I can work a bitch's clit really good, like a smudge on a window. Really? You really are Italian. I have not gotten anything out here yet, though. I've been talking to ladies. I could have secured some shit, but nothing yet.

Have you kissed a girl in Austin? No. Really? Two and a half months? No kiss? Nope. What are you trying, what are you doing? I was close with a black chick, but. Whoa.

And then what, you called her the N-word and ran away? Is there a girl out there that wants to give this guy his first Austin kiss? You know, we have some of the best fans out there. It has to be a volunteer. It's a segment on the show we've been doing for years years Is there a woman out there that wants to give this big? She's literally saying no lady. We got fucking Jelaine Maxwell over here throwing her girlfriend under the bus She'll do it. She doesn't even want to kiss this fuck. Is there a guy who will kiss him?

This will be a first if there's not a woman with the courage to kiss this man. Is there really not a female that wants to give this guy his first Austin kiss tonight? I'm only 365 pounds! Come on! Really? Is there the spider from Charlotte's Web in the audience? White girls don't like me, Tony. It's mostly black chicks.

I'm telling you, there's no sisters in here. Is there any sisters? Is there any no sisters in here. Is there any sisters? Is there any single sisters in here? Come on. Don't talk, we're close. All right. One of them's gonna break and you're gonna get a kiss. Typical auctioneer problems, going once.

I've made eyes with a couple girls that are clearly considering it. You've got a chance, now you just gotta wait them out. I got a bunch of girls looking down like they wanna be called on in high school. They're just like, nevermind, I was wrong. Man, this is worse than when they picked who's gonna play better.

All right, nevermind. Oh my God, wait, there's a woman that's gonna do it. Oh my God. Finally. Yeah. Shy. Yeah, here we go. This is incredible. While we wait for her to come around,

she's a sprinter too. Oh yeah, look at this. Oh yeah. Let's see some tongue. Oh my goodness. It's worth the wait. And by the wait, I mean she's the same weight as he is. It's time to get another one on the scale, everybody.

Here, for his first Austin kiss, everyone. This is big video. Oh! Big video! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God!

Oh my God! What a hero! What's your name lady? My name is Miss Shelby. Miss Shelby. Miss Shelby. Hell yeah. Oh my goodness.

Oh my goodness. Absolutely incredible. Miss Shelby, how did that kiss feel? Um, you didn't really kiss me. That's what fucking sucks. Yeah. Big Vinny says he... Big Vinny says he... Vinny, what's wrong with you? He keeps going to my side cheek.

Vinny, kiss her. What are you doing? Why are you being a coward? Big Vinny, you said you could find the clip. Good fucking luck with that. Yeah, yeah, I'm not going to be. Miss Shelby, where are you going? Get over here. Come on.

Can we get you guys both on the scale? The scales of justice. Did I kiss a teacher? Are you a teacher? What the fuck? I'm a violinist and a teacher. A violinist? Oh my goodness.

Say hello to my little friend. What happened? There was no kiss? I did it for the show. I think you're serious. You okay? Yeah, I'm fine. Yeah. I'm not into you.

Oh, big Vinny. Oh, come on. Vinny, you nasty fuck. You think one of these girls was going to be into you? They're going to do it. I'm not into actual beautiful chicks. They're going to do it for fun. She's beautiful, too, bro. I'm not, come on. Cause you're asking why I didn't stick my tongue

down your throat, what the fuck? I'm not gonna. Come on, give him a hand job real quick. Let's make him cum. Let's make this pussy cum. All right. I have standards. How about a hand for Miss Shelby everybody?

Miss Shelby, you're a superhero. Thank you. Hell yeah. You wanted me to be mean. Big Finny. No, why would you be mean, dude? Miss Shelby, you're a superhero. Thank you. Hell yeah. You wanted me to be mean. Big Vinny. No, I wanted you to be mean, dude. Big Vinny.

How dare you? I kissed her, and then you were asking why I didn't go harder. And fucker, I just faked it. Oh my god. Oh my god. Damn. I can get laid, bro.

I've been laid. Don't need that. Vinny, it's been months. Yeah. Vinny. What are you talking about? I turn it down. Like, I'm not even fucking around. it. No, Vinster, Vinster.

Don't lie to me, Vinster. I'm not going to take the lowest, rungest shit. Why are we talking about this woman like this? Yeah. She was nice enough to come up here. It took, she was not. She saved you from an, everyone was, it was sad when no one would kiss you.

Literally, nobody wanted to kiss you. This woman came out of nowhere to save you. Yeah. Yeah! And you... Goddamn, Vin. You gotta go fuck her. Where'd she go? Give Miss Shelby one of these.

Yeah! She gets a big joke book, you get a little joke book. How about that? Oh, Andy didn't catch it. There he goes, Big Vinny, everybody. Beat it, Vinny, get the fuck outta here. Nasty motherfucker. Get him outta here.

Get him outta here. Shelby, Shelby, Shelby, Shelby, Shelby, Shelby, Shelby. Oh, thank you. Shelby. All right, we're having fun in here tonight. Your next bucket poll, straight out of obscurity goes by the name of Matt Bellic, everybody. Make some noise for Matt Bellic.

everybody make some noise for Matt Bellac. All right, I live in Austin now, kind of newer here. Austin's a wild city, it is very weird. I went to a house party a couple weeks ago here, saw something I've never seen in my life. I walk in there, back of the house I saw two guys in the back doing competitive rock-paper-scissors. Just throwing down. I thought it was a Texas thing. I thought they were playing for money. I went to check it out. Turns out just two deaf guys on cocaine

talking to each other really fast. There's like... ... We partied all night. We had a... They called it a silent disco. That's what we did. We fucking got down. Uh, I got fat. Diddy's in trouble. You seen this? You heard about this? Diddy?

This guy's... No, but one of the things he did, I didn't think was a big deal. He, uh, he would hire these escorts to come to the house, and their job was to entice his guests to have sex with them, and then he would film them having sex without their knowledge, and apparently you can't do that. So, uh... Well, when I read that, I was like, who is, like... He goes, he would try to, like without their knowledge, and apparently you can't do that. So, uh...

Well, when I read that, I was like, who is, like, because he would try to, like, use it as blackmail on people, and I read it, I was like, who's... Who's that blackmail for, you know? Like, if I get a phone call one day, and someone's like, we have a video of you and Dr. Dre double-teaming a hooker at Diddy's house, I'd be like,

can you tag me in that, dude? Like, if fucking you have the video, none of my friends will leave me. Like, all right, I'm like this. I'm like, yeah. Yeah. Matt, about like, I'm gonna be honest with you, I didn't hear a word of your set.

Yeah. Mark Norman broke a glass cigar case, and a lot of it, the shrapnel went into people's drinks, and I'm making sure that the drinks didn't get drunk. It's on, it's literally on the can. Yeah. Let's drink it,'s literally on the can. Yeah. Let's drink it, soon. Drink it, drink it.

Eat the glass. I'll buy you one. I'll buy you another drink, whatever that was. Sorry, my suit. I got it, yeah, I'm protecting us. On a very Jew-heavy episode, I'm protecting us from losing it all here. I'm literally...

Eat the glass. I have to tell our fan base, don't drink the glass. I'll represent you. I'll buy you another round. Don't do nothing. We're gonna take this fucking thing for all it's worth. Eat the fucking glass. How much of that Holocaust? Just stop.

Please stop picking it up. Don't even touch the glass anymore. Wow, I'm also cut. Oh, oh no. Fuck. Unbelievable. So Matt, how's it going, buddy? Going good. Yeah, going good.

I love it. How long you been doing stand-up? Uh, 11 years. Whoa! Big Vinny. That's not a good reaction. What do you do for work? Side gig, I sell t-shirts at concerts Side gig, I sell t-shirts at concerts. OK.

You sell t-shirts at concerts. Merch, yes. This guy knows the technical term. Absolutely. Yeah. Merch. How's that been going for you? How old are you, Matt?

35. OK. Yeah. All right. You look horrible. Thank you. Yeah. Ha ha ha.

All right, yeah. No, you look all right. It's just your teeth. It's the teeth? I got bad teeth. And the wrinkles. And the wrinkles. And it looks like you change oil with your hair. Jesus Christ.

Oh, man. You have pro wrestling, like wet greasy hair. Where are you from? Chicago originally. Lived here for a couple years. Yeah, shot down the house. I thought it was going to be somewhere greasy. Chicago's pretty greasy, dude. It's not Philadelphia or anything.

Whoa! Whoa. It's fine. It's fine. I was being nice to you. Yeah, I was going to say something nasty like that. I'm a big Bears fan, hate the Packers. Very happy your Eagles took care of that last one.

Okay, we're not talking. I'm just saying fucking... No, let's talk ball. Tony, shut the fuck up. We're talking ball. Barstool. Welcome to Barstool's Kill Tony. How are the Davis guys playing? Oh, well, the Packers are here. The Notre Dame's doing pretty good. Yeah, hell yeah, bro. Actually, when's this come out? Monday? Uh, the Monday after.

So this will come out when Notre Dame's playing? Damn, think about it. Right now, Notre Dame's this come out, Monday? Uh, the Monday after. When's this come out? Yeah. So this will come out when Notre Dame's playing? Damn, think about it, right now Notre Dame's lifting a national title. But there's zero percent chance of that. So sick, dude. Can't believe we did it, dude. He's back to his old ways.

There he is. There's the new Notre Dame mascot after Monday's game. It's D Madness, everybody. Holy shit, is he all right? He takes, he puts the two eyes in an Irish. D, you got to talk to whoever's dressing you. You got to have a chat. Because they're not telling you what that looks like.

That's nuts. That's crazy. Who's dressing him up like this? He's dressed like in living color. He is. He is. You look like Kamala up like this? He's dressed like in living color. He is. He is. You look like Kamala Harris trying to prove she's not Indian.

I thought you were Nancy Pelosi kneeling. Oh, my God. This guy looks like shit for 35, right? Hey, come on, man. All right. Yeah, Matt, take it easy, dude. Come on, dude. Take it easy, man.

Come on. Fucked up, man. Yeah, that's just bullying. Yeah. Matt, what's something crazy about your life we'd be surprised to know about you? Getting married in March. Oh. Hey, what's his name?

That's all right, man. That's all right. Come on, man. That's what I do. One of the best comedians in the world. One of the best comedians in the world. Got your ass, dude. There's nothing you can do about it. Getting married in March, huh?

Yeah. What does she do for work? She bartends here, Elena. Whoa! Yeah, down here at the... She gets all you guys drunk. Yeah, yeah. That's right.

Uh, she's a good guy. She's a good guy. She's a good guy. She's a good guy. She's a good guy. She's a good guy. She's a good guy. She's a good guy. She's a good guy. She's a good guy. She's a good guy. Getting married in March, huh? What does she do for work? She bartends here, Elena. Whoa! She gets all you guys drunk.

That's right. OK, and so, all right. What are your goals, Matt? Get married in March. Wow, OK. Trying to lock that down and then try to get less greasy, I guess, dude. What are you afraid of before I let you go? What scares you?

Honest fear. You don't have to make something up. Yeah no honest fear. I mean it's a cliche I hate spiders I know it's gay I don't like them yeah. It's not gay. Big spider guy? I like a spider. You like spiders? Sure. Spiders are scary, bro. They are freaks, see? Yeah. Yeah, there's no doubt about that. Grease, spiders, Puerto Rico. Don't like Puerto Rico. Okay, there he goes.

Do you have a little joke book yet? No, no, I do not. You don't? I'll take one. There he goes, Matt Bellic, everybody. There we go. Cheers guys, thank you. If they would have heard your set, they would have liked it.

It was funny. It was? Was it really? Matt, Matt, here you go. You have a big joke book yet? Yeah, yeah, it was good. You already have one from another appearance? There he goes, Matt Bellic. Like so worried about my sister. You're engaged. You cannot marry a murderer. I was sick, but I am healing. Returning to W Network and Stack TV.

The West Side Ripper is back. If you're not killing these people, then who is? That's what I want to know. Starring Kaylee Cuoco and Chris Messina. The only investigating I'm doing these days is who shit their pants. Killer messaged you yesterday? This is so dangerous. I gotta get out of this. Based on a true story.

New season premieres tonight at nine Eastern and Pacific. Only on W, stream on Stack TV. Hey, what's up? This is Joe from Passcast Podcast by Donut Media. We're an automotive history podcast, but you don't have to be a car person to enjoy our show. We tell the craziest stories like the first race across America.

It was basically 45 days of hell, or how the humble caravan saved Dodge and allowed them to make the Viper. We've been doing this podcast for over five years now and there are still so many crazy stories, it amazes me. It's basically like hanging out in the garage, chopping it up with your friends, hanging out, good vibes. So check out Pass Gas wherever you get your podcasts.

All right. Is Juan ready? Is Juan back there? Juan, we have a Juan. This guy was on an episode a couple of weeks ago. I said that I wanted to see him again. A very funny first appearance. This is his second time on the show.

So good last time that I gave him this appearance. Let's see what happens in the second ever minute from Juan Denmark, everybody. The return of Juan Denmark. Yeah, yeah. Holy shit. You know how to get black people and Nazis together? The Trump fist, all right?

I love that fucking fist. He appropriated the Nazi salute and the black power fist all in one arm motion. It was crazy, y'all. The only thing blacker than Donald Trump's fists are the list of all the people Kamala Harris locked up. I'm gonna be honest, y'all. I think Kamala Harris is just Hillary Clinton in blackface. I also think that Mexicans should have been the first slaves.

You know what I mean? Like, if it wasn't for sports, music, and the prison system, slavery would have been a terrible business decision. If Mexicans were the prison system, slavery would have been a terrible business decision. If Mexicans were the first slaves, there'd be skyscrapers in Nebraska, y'all. There'd be taco trucks on every fucking corner in America. And what if Asians were the first slaves, right? You'd be able to fit like five times

as many motherfuckers under that boat. They got the perfect fingertips for cotton picking. And what's better after a long day of your Asian slave picking cotton? A nice Rub and Tug. My name's Juan Denmark. The return of Juan Denmark. You know what I love about you? Is you can be as racist as you want to be.

I know, I love it, Tony. I fucking love it. It is unbelievable. I fucking love it. This is black power privilege. It really is. It's black privilege. Black power privilege.

Okay, I don't really acknowledge the power. Fuck yeah. It's limited power. It's like a solar energy, if you will. That's true, we are powered by the sun, Tony. That's why I solar energy, if you will. That's true. We are powered by the sun, Tony. That's why I'm in Texas right now. Absolutely. Shane asked me a great question while you were on stage.

If you want to turn sideways so that the no put the jacket back out. I swear to God, I just faced the other way. Yeah, it looked like you weren't wearing pants. Oh, dude, next time, if I ever get it next time, I'll come here naked, guys. Don't do that. Do it. I give you permission. You have to carry on the banner.

Dude, are you from the future? You look like Book of Eli. You have slippers on, a big jacket. You're like the Matrix James. Thank you. I appreciate that. For a podcast, this show has really become a lot of TV on the radio.

What? What does that mean? That's a ban really going to have a lot of TV on the radio. What? What does that mean? That's a bam. It's a lead singer, TV on the radio. All right. What's up, Tony? So you're wearing, like, Daisy Dukes and a full-on jacket, giant jacket with a big hood.

I like to keep people confused at all times, Tony. Absolutely. You don't know what you're going to get. Are you going to get a school shooter? Are you going to get a homosexual? What are you going to get, Tony? I get you're gonna get a school shooter. You're gonna get a homosexual. What are you? What are you gonna get Tony? Shoot up a gay club Hey listen, I'm not gay I'm queer. All right, there's a difference. What is that? Okay, I'll explain it to you. Mr. Mark

Please. Okay. Listen, I will fuck a man, but only if he has a vagina. What is that? Okay, I'll explain it to you, Mr. Mark. Please. Okay, listen, I will fuck a man, but only if he has a vagina. Does that make sense? No, explain it. Like you can have a face full of beard, but you better have a torso full of vagina, God damn it. Ari, fuck him.

All right. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. It is incredible. What's the gayest thing you've ever done? Uh, come to Kill Tony and see you.

Okay. What's the second gayest thing you've ever done? Tony's like, what's with the... Oh, I've watched two men have sex. Oh, okay. In real life, in real life. Explain to us how that happened. Yeah, I was 15 years old.

What? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa. This is a key way. Let's get going, all right? P-Diddy party. Whoa. Close.

I was walking down downstairs to my basement and I looked through the window of my basement and my uncle was having sex with his partner, dude. You have a window in your basement? Back in the day, yeah, when I lived in Virginia, we had a house with a basement and my uncle lived there with his boyfriend named Juan

Yeah, he had a boyfriend with my fucking name, dude. Wow. Yeah, dude, and now I'm wearing these fucking shorts on Kill Tony Fuck You found those on the floor at your uncle's place. Yeah, word. He couldn't put him back on after all that butt sex I've never met many black wands before. I'm Cuban. I'm gone after all that butt sex. I've never met many black wands before. I'm Cuban, I'm Afro-Cuban. Ah. Afro-Cuban, okay. What is the most Cuban thing about you,

if you had to guess? I move my hips when I fuck. Whoa, really? I do, it's crazy. Can we see that? You gotta pay for that, Mark. We got some Cuban music for you here. Well, we really can't see the hip movement

with that giant jacket on. All right. You guys are awesome. I love these niggas, man. It doesn't matter. Juan, remind us, what do you do for work? I go to school full time to be a clinical psychologist. That's right.

Yep. Absolutely. Yep. Yep. Absolutely. Did you get a... What are you guys clapping for? Mental health! What do you think you're clapping for? Yeah, what are you clapping for?

It's a landmine. Somebody's gonna be like, oh, I have a nice black, my doctor's black. Yeah. And then you're gonna get in there and be, it's gonna be this guy, it's gonna be crazy. Don't do that. No worries.

How old are you there, Obi-Wan? He said what, I'm sorry. How old are you? 31, 31. Really? Yeah, yeah, go to... Face of a black guy from the 70s, somehow. It is true.

Shut your mouth. Yeah, she. Jav, Turkin. Yeah. Jav, man. You look like a Tuskegee Airman. Oh, fuck. Minus the syphilis, guys, minus the syphilis.

That's one of my jokes. You do have an old soul. You have an old soul, as they would say. I do, yeah. Indeed. Juan, what are some hobbies of yours? I love to ride my bike. Is it your bike?

My bike, it is my bike. Well, I think it was my bike. Hey, you snooze, you lose, dog. Yeah, I love to meditate. I love to meditate. I love to watch YouTube. I'm just a boring person, honestly. I just keep it cool, man. What do you watch on YouTube?

Podcasts. Yeah, mine fucking Jordan Peterson type shit. I just like smart motherfuckers, man. I love it. Yeah, dude. Yeah. Wow, you are like a white guy trapped in the blackest body. This is my tv on the radio. I love it. So what are you most looking forward to helping people

with psychology? Like what's... I mean I'm doing this shit for free now. I didn't really pick this profession. This shit kind of picked me so I was like fuck all right let's get paid for it now. So I was like, fuck, all right, let's get paid for it now. Fuck. Yeah, so. We never picked you. No. No, I'm just messing. You look cool.

You look like a leader of a cult, 45. I'm trying. I'm trying. This is the start. This is the start right here. This is where I gain my following and then we go off into the woods in Utah somewhere. Yeah. Absolutely.

I'm with you. This guy is cool. Yeah. Fuck yeah. What's that button on your dick? That's a great question. It says, real friend. This is my friend's merch. He told me to wear it, so fuck.

I was like, I'll put it on my dick. You know what I mean? That's the best way of supporting your homies. I know what you mean. Yeah, yeah. We all know what you meant. If you really love them, put them on your dick. OK. Not right know what you meant. If you really love him, put him on your dick. Okay.

Not right, Juan, Denmark. Interesting. Your first name is Juan and your last name is Denmark. Yeah, Denmark is from Denmark Vesseys. He's a slave revolter. Right before he executed- What does that mean exactly? He was trying to escape.

It means no worry. Yeah, yeah. Red band. He was trying to escape. It means no worry. Yeah. Yeah. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Red band. Give me the... Red band with a home run sound effect.

Here it is. Ready for it? Red band. Red band with a big funny. Big funny for Red band. You just bought yourself another month, Red band. Staying alive, dog. What's up? Alright, you all have some good days.

Okay, there's two weeks. Two weeks off. You couldn't handle the success of one good joke. What's up? Yeah. Unbelievable reference. What do you got? another Charlotte's Web joke up your sleeve for us?

That was funny. I cannot wait to hennessy what happens next with you, Juan Denmark. Congratulations, you already have a big joke book. I do, I do. We'll see you again soon on the show. There he goes, Juan Denmark, everybody. All right, back to the bucket we go.

And your next comedian goes by the name of, it will be the comedy stylings of Jake Colter, everybody. Jake Colter is next. Here comes Jake Colter is next. Here comes Jake Colter. So did anyone else see that horror movie Teeth? About the girl with teeth in her coochie? Yeah, that shit fucked me up so bad that now every time I sleep with the girl, I feel like I have to eat her out because that's my way of, like, checking for monsters under the

bed. But that isn't as traumatizing as growing up and my dad always telling me that black cats are bad luck, but only if they don't have a pink butthole. Yeah, so now every time I sleep with a black girl, I feel like I have to eat her ass first. So that way I can see what color her butthole is, and know if looking at her black cat is gonna give me bad luck.

Thank you. All right, Jake Colter out there, eating pussy, checking out butt holes. Who did you talk to for research about those jokes about eating pussy? My dad. Jake, you've been on this show before. Remind us, how long you've been doing standup?

I just reached a year in September. You reached a year in September. You reached a year in September. And you have a little bit of a, what is it? What is your impediment exactly? Remind us. You have somewhat of a... I think I was on this episode and he said nothing, right? Yeah.

Yeah. Oh, there's nothing wrong with you. Yeah. Come on. You were molested. Probably. You're right. You got molested face.

Yeah. You stayed young looking. Yeah. You're trapped forever young. Forever young. Forever young. Tell us about the molestation. Well, it all started when I was seven. Did something really happen to you?

No. Did something traumatizing happen to you when you were younger though? I mean, I dropped a bowling ball on my head. Oh my goodness. There it is, ladies and gentlemen. There you go. You dropped it on your own head?

Well, okay. See what- Trying to hold it above your head? Well, no. See what happened was me and my friends were doing stupid shit at the bowling alley, being the annoying kids, throwing it halfway down the lane.

You're so gay. You're clearly gay. I love that you think. He's not gay. He's not something else. He's nothing, dude. He would never. I swear to God, he's nothing.

There might be a dude's ass out there with teeth in it. So. That's it. You and your uncle were bowling. What happened? Oh, shit. How old were you when you were bowling this time? Probably about 13. Okay, so you're 13, you're out there being a bowler.

Yeah, and so I decided I was gonna throw it over my head, and I talked with my hands, yes. You don't just talk with your hands. You talk with an upside down like fucking. John Dees has pointed out that your neck is also gay. You do gay things with your neck. There is a little bobble head fucking. I just was throwing a bowling ball

and there's teeth in a pothole. Just claim autism. You think that's crazy? Claim autism, avoid all this gay fucking bullshit. Yeah, okay, I'm not gay. Just go, yeah, I'm retired, I'm not gay. Yeah. Because you have to be one. Gotta be.

Gotta have something, man. Come on. Yeah, you're totally not gay. Now tell us more about dropping balls on your head. Hey. What happened, your uncle used you as the bowling ball? Yeah, the old totally not gay. Now tell us more about dropping balls on your head. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. When your uncle used you as the bowling ball? Ah, the old three finger spush.

Oh no, I just, I tried to throw it over my head and went too far up and not enough back. And went, boom. Okay, did you immediately get knocked out? No, it didn't hurt at all. Did you start talking like that immediately? Probably. Yeah, how were you talking before this incident?

I don't remember. That's right. That's right. Damn, you got knocked into gay. Uh... Y'all keep saying I'm gay. I mean... Uh, his name... Uh-oh, wonder what's about to happen now. Y'all keep saying I'm gay, I mean... Uh-oh, wonder what's about to happen now.

Y'all keep saying I'm gay, but Tony over there... Look at these two divas going back and forth. Yeah. You two queens. He's gonna scratch you. Don't say I'm gay. You right. Attack me at your own wrist.

Yes. Oh. What do you do for work? I'm unemployed now. Right. Attack me at your own wrist. Yes. What do you do for work? I'm unemployed now. How did you lose your job? They didn't tell me. They just told me that Texas is an at-will state. It's an at-will state.

And they didn't need my services no more. What was the job before? Dominoes. Dollar General. What?ino's, Dollar General. What? Dollar General. Dollar General, wow. Oh my goodness.

Yeah. You got fired from Dollar General? Yes. What's the state have to do with it? What's an at will state? At will state means they don't have to give a reason for firing you. You see, now you can tell them, you can say I'm a gay retarded.

Oh, yeah, you should. Oh, yes. Good luck firing me now. Yeah. That's it. You let your pride get in the way of a juicy lawsuit. Yep. You're right.

You're right. Yeah. I might be gay. If I can sue him, I'll say I'm gay hell yeah. Yep. You're right. You're right. Yeah. What you do is... I might be gay if I can sue him. I'll say I'm gay. Hell yeah. Yeah. Don't believe it. I bet. I bet. Gays in the military. Your lawyer's gonna go, Your Honor...

You're right. Come on. You're like, don't ask, no need to tell. Sorry. Yeah, sorry. I mean, I've been called gay my whole life. That ain't nothing new. Okay, great. Yeah, I know. I just think it's crazy how his name's Tony

and his favorite place to be is on his Tony's. Ooh. Oh, boy. Wow. Got his knees. Ooh. Oh boy. Wow. Got his ass. Wow.

I don't think I'll ever survive. Yeah. So how do you live without having a job? How long ago were you fired from Dollar General? Today. You were fired today? Today. Today.

Today. You went to work today and they told you your services are no longer needed. No, corporate called me and told me my services were no longer needed. How long have you been working at Dollar General? Since June. Okay. You got fired.

That's pretty long. Today. There you go. Whoa. I ain't about to say. Oh my goodness. Was that a 10, Ari? Was that a ten-aree? Was that a $10 bill?

It was a 20, but I thought it was a one until it was in his hands. I don't know, like, fuck, but I felt wrong about moving it away. Um... Now you've donated to a gay charity. That's right. Yeah, I just found out I'm gay,

so if there's more money, I'll be gay. That's how it starts. Yeah. Wow. Wow. Jake what size joke book did you get last time you were on? I got a big one. Okay. I bet you got a big one. There he goes. Jake, your jokes were really good though. You did good. That was funny. No, you did good. We're just making fun of you for being a guy. But you were funny. The sad... Sweet kid. Sweet kid.

It's kind of a sad turn. Alright. Let's do another special treat, ladies and gentlemen. One of the most prolific regulars in the show's history. I present to you a brand new minute from one of the hardest working men in all of the Austin, Texas comedy scene. This is the return of Cam Patterson, everybody. -♪ -♪

-♪ I didn't even know Donna General had like corporate. I just imagine a guy like me like fuck nigga you're fired. It's over boss get the fuck out of here dog it's over. Damn I was in LA I was around the fires I was there. I blamed the gays. That's who I blamed for. It's funny, because I was riding around, and I seen, like, all the houses on fire and shit,

and you know what was crazy? You know what was still standing? You know what was still standing? All the ash in the rubble and all the fires, what was still standing was brick chimneys. Why not make the houses out of that next time? That made the most sense ever, you fucking dumbass niggas. Hey, why would you make the house out of matchsticks,

you fucking dumbass? That's crazy, dog. Also, it was funny. I was riding around, and I saw a lot of people evacuating the houses and shit like that. And you know what I didn't see? A lot of dogs. No dogs. Yeah, you are a dumb white bitch. You know who happy? Asian niggas. They are

Happiest fuck I'm done. That's good. I get me out here Perfect Why don't they make the plane out of the black box? I don't know No, no You ever think about that? I don't know. He's too young. He would never have heard that. No, I know.

I don't think he's stolen. I know. It's just funny. He's like, yeah, good question. That is a good question. Yeah. I love it, Cam. Right out of the dollar general thing.

Yeah. Funny, funny. Blame the gays. Black chimney, brick chimneys, and ended with Asian N-words. Yep. I was rushing this one. Beautiful. An absolute masterpiece.

How's life going? It's good. You were just in L.A.? Yeah. Tell us more about it. Shit, and then run around, run around for fires. It helps people out. That was cool.

My homeboys out there, you know, so we dropped the water off and shit like that. You helping looting? Huh? Oh, sorry. Nah, but it was a chase that was on fire and I was excited about that. I was like, if I ain't have no money, nigga, I'll go get that. You know what I'm saying?

I think your hair got a little thin, sir. It seemed like a good idea. You still mad at Bart Simpson? What the fuck that even mean, man? Sideshow Bob, he's a character on the... You gotta get a TV. Nah, no, I've seen it. I've seen the show. I've seen the show.

I've heard it before. You gotta loot a TV. No, no, I've seen it, I've seen the show. Okay, okay. I've seen the show, I've heard it before. You gotta loot a TV. Exactly. You really help people out there? Yeah.

That's amazing. I can tell you're still covered in ash. Um. Sozari's dead. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Anything else from the panel here for Cam Patterson? He's did it again. Nah, Cam's a man.

Super consistent. What were you doing? How were you helping people? What were you working on? We got a bunch of water and shit. You just bought a bunch of water? Yeah, and then like, well, nigga, they need what? It was on fire, dickhead.

They didn't need water? Bought a bunch of water. We had a bunch of water. And then like, it was people helping us. We bought them them like plates and they put food on and shit like that. You know what I'm saying? Hell yeah. They run around. How bad is it?

Is it rough? It's fucking, it is pretty bad. It's pretty bad. Obviously, Cam's fucking fighting it out. He's fucking literally scraping the bottom of the barrel. We need Cam. Somebody's got to put these fires out. I'm here to help.

I'm here. Cam. Somebody's gotta put these fires out. I'm here to help, Fulton. I'm here. Cam. Yeah. I love it. Cam, you fucking did it again.

You are the man. Absolutely unbelievable. A new minute from Cam Patterson. Watch it happen right in front of your eyes. One of the best work ethics. We were talking about it earlier. Him and Ari Matty, can't every night doing five, six, seven spots in this city.

Your next bucket pull is from the inside, everyone. It could be one of you. Ladies and gentlemen, your first Inside the Room bucket pull tonight goes by the name of Joe Bean, everyone. Joe Bean. Where are you at, Joe? Is he here?

Oh my goodness, here he comes, Joe Bean. Hell yeah, here he comes. You guys still having fun out there, huh? Yeah. Yeah. Shane, no tickling Shane. Oh he loves tickling me. Come on, make some noise for the inside zone. Joe Bean.

What's up comedy mothership? My name is Joe Bean. I got a question for y'all. And have y'all ever grown up skinny in a fat-ass Mexican family? Hell no. A bunch of white folks here tonight. Oh, there's a Mexican right there. Fat. Never mind. Let me tell y'all what it's like growing up skinny in a Mexican family.

Man, we get shit on. My grandma used to call me Skin and Bones when I was a kid. It's like growing up skinny in a Mexican family. Man, we get shit on. My grandma used to call me skin and bones when I was a kid. I'm like, come on, grandma, you're skinny as fuck too. What the fuck? My grandma's dead now. I'm like, who's the skin and bones now, grandma? No, but I imagine growing up skinny in a Mexican family

is a lot like growing up light skin in a black family. They get shit on too. They get, they definitely get shit on too, right? And, and, but I have a theory. I think it's, I think it's mainly because I think they're jealous. Like, like my family, I think it's just that they're jealous, right? Cause physically, scientifically, they can't get any lighter, right? They're just mad. They're fucking mad. The same as my fat ass cousins, right? There's nothing they can do to get any lighter, right? They're just mad, they're fucking mad. The same as my fat ass cousins, right? There's nothing they can do to get any lighter. These motherfuckers eat Ozempic for dinner.

Ain't lose a single fucking pound. All right, my name's Joe Bean, that guy. Joe Bean, shockingly good for an inside the room bucket pull. Great, great, great setups. A lot of good setups. Appreciate it. Yeah, setup after setup. Great premises. Stop, great setups. A lot of good setups. Yeah, setup after setup. Great premises. Stop with the setups.

Out of setups. The jokes, we'll find them. It did. You got a laugh off of just laughing about it being, like, light-skinned people in a black family. The point of the... Because I was in direct eyeline of you pointing at the Mexican guy.

You called him fat. He literally was like... Yeah. The fuck, dude? I'm the only one trying to help you. Uh... Yeah. He's fat, though.

You are thin. You could slip right through a border wall. Look at this guy. It is incredible. Uh, how long you been doing stand-ups? About a year and a half. Okay. And how long have you been a championship horse rider?

All my life, Tony. Is that really, do you do that? No, actually. That is your calling, do you know that? You do have full jockey head. Yeah. Jockey body, jockey head. That's all you.

I say five, six on my ID. Oh, come on. You're a hood ornament. Wait. Hold on a second. Oh, come on. You're a hood ornament. Wait. Hold on a second. Get the tape measure. Yeah. Oh, let's go.

Did you just say, you say that you're five six, but you're really five five? I got a cousin fighting in the UFC. I'm taller than him. That's the only thing I got to do. Well, yes, there are weight divisions in the UFC. Oh, get off your toes, Joe. Joe Bean. I'm on the... How much do you weigh?

How much do I weigh? About 120. Wow. Yeah. Cody, how much do you weigh? Ask me how old I am. I'm about 150 something now. How old are you?

Not bad. 41. Wow. Look at that. 41 years old. I got a 22 year old. He's sitting right there. Your son is 22?

22 years old, yeah. Oh, God damn it, Yachty. All right. I'm going to go to the bathroom. I'm going to the bathroom. I'm going to the old. I got a 22 year old. He's sitting right there. Your son is 22? 22 years old, yeah. Oh, God damn it, Yoni. Come on, Yoni, you're not supposed to listen to him. No, this is me.

Shoes on or off? Shoes off? Shoes off? Shoes off, Joe. What kind of shoes are you wearing over there? No Zappados. He's got some winkles. Oh, shit.

No, Joe. Stand up. Take those Zappados off. And take off that hat. Go to the top of his head, Yoni. Get that hat out to the top of his head Yoni take off the hat we don't know what's in there oh there it is Yoni getting a good measurement here what do we got my guess is five four five

three five four and a quarter and Five, four and a quarter. And bad news, Ari just picked up that quarter. That quarter's what? I'm still gonna put five, five on Tinder, y'all. Yeah, you're five, five. You're five, five. What nationality are you? You haven't mentioned it. Yeah.

Are you kidding me? His last name is fucking Bean. I'm Jewish, come on. Is Bean short for something? Beaner. There you go me? His last name is fucking Bean. I'm Jewish, come on. Is Bean short for something? Beaner. There you go. Yeah, 100%. That was my nickname for years, and then I started getting white friends,

and they were like, I can't do that. I can't call you Beaner. Wait, you had Mexicans calling you Beaner? Yeah. God damn. Oh, we're the most racist people ever. I know, but you know. But it's cool, right? We love the Mexicans.

You said you guys would be leaving soon. But but you know. But it's cool, right? We love them actually. You said you'll be, you guys will be leaving soon. But, you know. Hey, I don't make the rules. I got two weeks. You got two weeks. You have a 22-year-old son? I have a 22-year-old. How old are you?

I'm 41. 41. Incredible. So you did what your people do. That's right. You just made a baby as fast as you can. But I raised him on my own. So I did what your people do. That's right. You just made a baby as fast as you can. But I raised him on my own. So I did the opposite, right?

I was actually a father all his life, right? So. It's incredible that he had someone to look down to his whole life. Son of a bitch. You little shit. You son of a bitch. Today, but you're Mr. Bean?

I'm Mr. Bean. Oh my god. I actually was going to sign up as the Bean. The Bean's nice. The Bean that Tony doesn't know about. But they didn't let me. They said you got to sign up as what you go up as a comedian. Bean's great.

Mr. Bean's nice. Yeah, Mr. Bean's funny. Mr. Bean's hilarious. Yeah, I talk a lot more than that motherfucker, I tell you. Unfortunately. So what do you do for work being such a shit Mexican? I'm an IT operations manager.

A what? IT operations manager. Okay, that makes sense. Do you actually crawl in the computers? Hell yeah. Do they send you in the desktops to fit? Do you eat the computers, you motherfucker? No, mine was one of your bitches. I know. Do they send you in the desktops? Do you eat the computers, you motherfuckers?

No, mine was one of your bitches. I know. Oh, my goodness. You'll never get my Tassel Etchers cookies. Yeah, I produce podcasts as well. I produce two podcasts on the side. You should have Red Bear on your secret show. And I have two young kids.

Wow. Look at that. Wow, two beans in a pod. So what does your son do for work? We know that a 22 year old, that means that he's been working for at least 13 years. So what does he do? Bro, I had my first job at 10 years old. My son, he works on cabinets for work.

Oh. Yeah, construction. Okay. Does he live in one? Did he sign up tonight? He doesn't do stand-up, right? No, he doesn't do stand-up. How tall is he? He's my height, probably exactly.

I'll bet you he's a little bit taller. Does anyone want to bet? He's trying to yell out and say I'm taller. Come on up here, little bean. Yeah! It's a family affair. Thank you, bro. Fuck yeah, man.

Oh, look at this. We've been to fucking both HEB Arena shows with him, man. He's got the fucking, he's got the tickets to both of those shows, bro. Like this is, but this right here is so much different, it's so much fucking better. It's so much like intimate. That's right.

Horn players know when it's getting a little too Mexican, they start playing the fucking Mexican. I just want to thank you Donny, this is like a big deal. There you go. There he is. Oh my goodness. Oh man. I guess you guys are about the same height.

Look at this. All these beans, we need some rice. That's rice. So, wait, wait, wait. You want to make it official? Yoni? You want to make it official? Hey, little beaner, let me ask you a question.

Look this way. Your mom was Jewish? Oh, my God, she is? Is she really? Yes! Oh, my God, that is incredible. Ari Shaffir with just using his massive nose is able to guess and smell. Rudolph with your nose so bright!

He's amazing with money too. He's the fucking amazing with money. Really? Let's measure noses. Yeah, let's measure noses. Oh, yeah, I like that. What are we going to do, water displacement? If somebody put a dollar bill in the back and hide it, it will smell where it is. Wow.

The bean doesn't fall far from the tree here. What's your name, little bean? Alex. Alex Bean. Alex Bean. Oh my God. What was it like having a father like Joe? Now's your chance to tell the world.

I mean, pretty much like you said, I get to look down to him and... You guys ever fight? It'd be like a fucking 12 round flyweight. It'd be like a classic if you guys fought. When you were in school and you were young and you were bad and he had to like hit you, did you just laugh?

No, no, no, no, no, no. So your mom's Mexican, or your mom's Jewish? No, my mom's fully white, fully white. Oh. She just got the nose, just the nose. Oh, I thought you, I was gonna say, that's a clean concentration camp. But, you know. But yeah, half white.

Half white. Is your, half white, is your Jewish. Is your Jewish mom still around? No, she's never been around. She's white. She's not Jewish. This is so backwards. So the Jewish mom abandoned you? Yeah, two years old. No, you guys are lying. Was she actually a Jewish woman?

No. No? Alright, I missed that part. I'm sorry. But she was white, so I'm like, yeah. She was a honky. Yeah, 100%. And she left. Yeah, she left. Well, that's your job.

Yeah. What the hell? Yeah. Thank God. So unusual. Why do you think she left? Were you a big crier? Ha ha, no.

What the fuck, dude? I was talking to your son. No, I think, oh. Ha ha ha ha ha. No, I think... Oh. Why does he think she left? You want... Okay, let's hear both of your theories. I think my dad is a little dick. Well, it is genetic, so...

Judging by me, I would say that's probably fair. That's probably fair. Okay. No, we're just gonna marry mom. Yeah. Yeah, no, I think she was raised kind of by helicopter parents. When she became an adult, she got into the party life and then went wild. I was the opposite.

I started partying when I was like 12 years old and I was done by 18 years old. When I found out I was having a kid, I was like, all right, I'm gonna be a father now. I think it stunted your growth. Fuck yeah, 100% bro. And the Mexican didn't help either. Right, right. And then she kept partying? Yes, to this day.

Oh, she's still partying? Yes. You're in communication with her? No, no. How do you know she's still partying to this day? I don't know, I hear things. That's right. Okay.

Sounds like it's not really a fun party. It's one of those heroin. Right. Yeah. Scary parties. Sounds like it's not really a fun party. It's one of those heroin. Right. Yeah. Scary parties. Sounds like it's a scary party, yeah. Yeah. That's all right.

All right. 100%. Yeah, sorry guys. Yeah, I'm feeling better already. That's sad. You seem pretty well adjusted. The mom gone, the little dad, you're hanging in there. I appreciate it, I appreciate it.

Little dad. Hey, it's all luck. All luck. You make good cabinets? Always. Always. Is it your own company? No, sir. I do.

I serve as cabinetry. Okay. I'm as Mexican as it gets. They have me crawling in them, putting them up, everything. Absolutely. That's your only job? Do you ever work as an elf in around Christmas time? Yes, sir.

Yes, sir. Yes, sir. My only job. The old Mexican elf down at the South Pole. I'm a big fan of the beans. Absolutely, and I am as well. You eat beans. So much so... that I am giving you both a big joke book

from the great Bones Eye. There you go. One for you, one for you. Give him the little one. Yeah! One for you, one for you. Give him the middle one. Yeah! Da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da Oh, sweet guys.

Absolutely. Thank you. Wow. Yes, please. Hell yeah. From Bean Light to Bud Light for Shane Gillis. From Brown Claw to White Claw for Ari. Thank you.

Ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket poll goes by the name of David Linum, everybody. David Linum, what can possibly happen next? A school teacher in Florida got arrested for sleeping with a student last week. It's like a thing now, right? The teacher of the years, parents were outraged. They were like, how does something like this happen in our community? And I'm here to tell y'all, who do you think's voting

for teacher of the year? It's the students that are fucking the teacher. It's a hell of a campaign to go. I'm not saying there's a correlation. Look, I'm not saying there's a correlation, but it does seem like ever since this broke out, the school shootings have gone down, am I right? It does feel like the teachers got together, and they were like,

hey, we can solve this shit in-house, you know? We can stop it. We're gonna start a detention, we're just gonna run it a little bit different, you know? My son sees this shit on the news. I asked him the other day, I said, have you ever fantasized about one of your teachers? He's like, Dad, you're disgusting. You know? My son sees this shit on the news. I asked him the other day, I said, you ever fantasized about one of your teachers?

He's like, dad, you're disgusting. No, that's gross. And I don't know if he's socially awkward because we homeschool him or what his problem is or. Roll tide, right? I mean, if he can make his mom come, at least somebody in this fucking house can get it done, you know?

That's my time, thank you. David Lyonham with a funny set. Hello. You're much funnier than you looked like you were gonna be when you came out. I swear to God, you see how slow it was at first? They didn't like it. Oh, I know.

Because of the earring in your ear and your hair. Yeah. I look like the singer Creed, I get that all the time. Oh, you spit a lot. That was a... That's all right, I have. Guys, I'm sorry, I'm a the singer Creed. I get that all the time. Oh, he spit a lot. That was a, that's all right. Guys, I'm sorry. I'm a little bit drunk.

I've been hanging out with autistic people at poor choices for two hours. This guy definitely rules. There's ShamWow guys over there, if y'all want to know. The pitch guy. Is he really? That punched the hooker.

He's walking around. Can you slow me? Yeah. Get him over here. Is he really? That punched the hooker, he's walking around. Can you slow me? Yeah. Get him over here. Did he? Did he? His handler is wearing a ShamWow hoodie. He signed up for the show.

No, he's over there fucking talking to people, dude. It is bizarre, dude. I'm so glad to be here with y'all, dude. I can't believe I got called. And on top of that, this panel's great, but God damn, I couldn't wait to get out of there, dude. He directed a movie I was in. Me and Adrian Brody went to a movie

directed by the ShamWow guy. How insane is he? Should we get him over here? Yeah. You gotta get him over here. Somebody go get the ShamWow guy. ShamWow! You gotta love it.

A random Monday night in Austin, Texas. Go find that guy. Got the ShamWow guy, got people in the front row drinking glass. Anything can happen. He could clean that up. David, tell us about your life. How long have you been doing stand-up?

I'm a career drummer that quit a year and a half ago to do comedy. You're a career drummer? I paid for my house playing drums and quit to do this. Well, boy oh boy, do I have news for you. Watch out dude, a white man's coming for your job. No, no, no. We have a tradition on this show.

It's called a Mexican Drum Off. That's where we have a drum solo competition between two people. David, you're going to be going first here tonight. Here's the deal, David. If you win, you're the new full-time backup drummer for the band. Michael Gonzalez is playing a football stadium tonight. We are lucky to have the unbelievable stylings of Charles Reed as our full-time backup drummer. So you do about a, I don't know, 20 to 30 second long. Wait a second, is he about to balance

that? Oh my god Wow, look at that. That's his Ari Shaffir impression everybody That's what Ari looks like without the drumstick. That is incredible his new special America's Sweetheart out tonight at midnight Every time I roast you you get a plug You disgusting Jew. At midnight, America's sweetheart. So anyway, if you win, you're the new full-time backup drummer here in Austin, Texas for Kill Tony. And you get to do comedy in Austin, Texas, too.

You know what I mean? That would make you here in Austin. So now is the time, a tradition, unlike any other. OK, it's in his nose. Charles Reed playing it cool, even though that's very disrespectful. There you go. Oh, oh, oh, he pulled back on the fist bump. Ladies and gentlemen, doing a drum solo, this is Charles Reed. I'm gonna go. Oh, he's picking his nose. All right, there is David Linum with the drum solo, ladies and gentlemen.

Charles Reed about to bury him with a shovel. Do we have to do it? Yeah, yeah, it's going to be cool. All right. He touched his hair, drumming. Crowd's gonna go wild. Ladies and gentlemen, here to defend his throne as the backup drummer, one of the great freak talents of this, the live music capital of the world, Austin, Texas.

This is Charles Reed. Wow! Jesus fucking Christ! One of the most unbelievable ass beatings we've ever seen. Wow. Whoa. Hey. Yeah. That was a close one. I think Charles is better at drumming and comedy. Unbelievable.

This is the first time I've ever seen a black guy put his knee on a white guy's neck before. Oh my God. That is incredible. Oh my God. You see why I quit, right? Yeah. I paid for my house and got out of that industry.

Charles, how do you feel? What the fuck did you pay for your house with that? Oh, it's off. Okay. One bedroom studio. How many of you have David Lyonam winning that? Just a boo from the crowd. Just one boo.

Nasty motherfucker. How many of you have Charles Reed winning? But good news, David. Your set was good. Anything else crazy we should know about your life before letting you go? I worked for the drummer for Guns N' Roses for a couple years. Okay, what was that like? Babysitting.

Did you make him feel better about his talent? Hey, I'm telling you, it was a full-time job. Like a lot. What was the name of your band? Linum. Wow. Yeah. name of your band? Linum. Wow. Yeah. You were in a band called Linum?

You didn't name it? I didn't name it. I didn't name the band. I would never name the band my last name, but. But you did. Yeah, but no. But then you did. No, no, no.

I did not. The rest of the band called it that. We were last in line when they were going out band names, obviously. It gets misspelled on every marquee across the country, so... Yeah, a lot of marquees. Yeah, we did.

We were below your radar, but we made, you know, enough money to pay for a house in Alabama, so... Well, you just got beeped by Biz... That's one show. Alabama. Go on. You just got your ass handed to you by Bizmarquees. Yeah, I did. See, that's about handed to you by Biz Marquis. Yeah. See, that's about as old of a reference as Charlotte's Web.

Yeah. We liked your set, though, David Lyon. Here's a big joke book. Congratulations. Thank you, guys, so much. On to the next one. We're flying through it here tonight. Your next bucket pull goes by the name of DK, everyone.

DK. Thank you. Thank you. Here's DK. Here's DK. Here's DK. Here's DK. One more time for DK, everybody. These people wait all evening for this opportunity.

Ew! Ew! Most people these days aren't too smart. The reason why I say that is because most people think digging is the way that you end up finding oil. Most people these days aren't too smart. The reason why I say that is because most people think digging is the way that you end up finding oil. That's not necessarily the case. Another way is looking for terrorists

and weapons of mass destruction. Little bit about myself. My birthday is... My birthday is 420. For most people, that's a day of celebration, right? But every so often, I get somebody who will come and let me know, like, hey, do you know you share a birthday with Hitler? And I go, wow, that's an interesting fact.

No one's ever told me that before in 27 years. And they go, how does it feel to share a birthday with such a bad guy? And I go, who, Hitler? They go, yeah, Hitler is well known for killing 4.6 million Jews in Germany. And I go, okay, but like, what did he do wrong? For those of you who are smart in the crowd,

you would have heard that joke and go, wow, 4.6 million, that guy must be off. But the thing is, I don't necessarily count the women. Thank you, I think I'm gonna leave it there. Okay, okay, hell yeah. DK, fresh off of winning the drum solo competition. DK, fresh off of winning the drum solo competition. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Yeah. Spam Patterson. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's my son, Derry King. I'm one of the ones that are good at spelling. What does DK stand for? It stands for drama king.

What? It stands for drama king. That is what it means. Oh, okay. Did your parents give you that or did you do that one? I did that one, clearly. Well, I don't know how clear. Well, my friends did that one, but I rolled with it.

Why did you do that? I rolled with it. Why did you do that? I rolled with it. I rolled with it. I rolled with it. I rolled with it. I rolled with it.

I rolled with it. I rolled with it. I rolled with it. I rolled with it. I rolled with it. I rolled with it. Did your parents give you that or did you do that one? I did that one, clearly. Well, I don't know how clear. Well, my friends did that one, but I rolled with it. Why they be calling you Drama King? Because I'm a bit dramatic, Tony. Can you give us an example of a time in which you were dramatic? Yeah, so.

You got pulled over. I'm one of those guys. Oh, we're groaning now. Two hours into the episode, we're gonna start groaning. I just called him Donkey Kong a second ago. Everyone was fine with it. I say he gets pulled over. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

The black guy just gave me a thumbs up. Thank you, sir. I can tell because the inside of his thumb is white. Okay, all right, oh, my God. I dug myself into a deeper hole, and now we're getting applause. Let's go. Okay. So give us a time in which you were dramatic. Oh my God, I dug myself into a deeper hole, and now we're getting applause. Let's go.

Okay, so give us a time in which you were dramatic. So the reason why I got this name is because I'm very emotional for a man. Like, I like to sit around with my friends and talk about God and consciousness, and I'm like, ah, I think we should be loving each other. They're like, that's gay. You are very dramatic for a man.

Okay, yeah. Yeah, so I mean, that's gay. You are very dramatic for a man. Okay, yeah. Yeah, so I mean, that's who I am, and I just, I roll with that, you know? I love it. I love it. What do you do for work, DK? So I work as a valet driver at this hotel up the street. Who the fuck would trust you with their keys?

I definitely get a lot of side eyes, Ari. Mr. Drama King, please, take my car. No, no, no, my real name is Timothy. That's not a hidden fact. Timothy. Nice. Drama King, you should be here. No, but the people just call me DK.

No, Drama King. I've gotten a word that Drama King, that you once tried to fight one of the nicest humans in all of show business, Yoni, the producer of Kiltoni. Would you like to tell us exactly why a man named, it would take a man named Drama King to ever want to hurt sweet, sweet Yoni. As I said, I'm very emotional. What happened? Yoni told me, this was, this was a while ago, so my memory might be a little bit scratchy. This, none of it was on Yoni. All of it was on me.

Absolutely. I already knew that. If you're wondering who that is cackling, that's Yoni. Yeah. So I didn't know who Yoni was. He came and he approached me and told me to step off, step away from the sidewalk while smoking. Nobody tells John McKing to step off the sidewalk. No, no, no. That wasn't the issue.

I felt the intention behind it was kind of malicious. Like, I didn't know who he was. Clearly he had the authority to be doing that and it made sense at the time. And he's one of the nicest guys. He is, he is. Yeah, I've had a conversation with him after. He's a great man.

You thought it was some random guy telling you to get off the sidewalk? I thought it was somebody who worked at Poor Choices. Oh. Okay, OK. So all right. That also would have been a weird. I'm not even at the building. I'm off to the sidewalk.

Right in front of the door, I'm guessing? A few feet away from the door. Yeah, it's confirmed by Yoni. Definitely right in front of the door. Where were you smoking? Black and mild? Crack. Oh, OK. No, it was definitely weed. It was weed? Yeah. That were you smoking? Um. A black and mild? Crack. Oh, OK.

No, it was definitely weed. It was weed? Yeah. That makes perfect sense. Yeah, I mean, I smoked a blunt with you about 2 and 1 half years ago. Really? Yeah.

In your face, Tony. Damn. How's it feel? Where the fuck were you and Drama King hanging out? You know? You know? Where were you, Drama King? Were you at his apartment?

Did he bring you? Did you guys kiss? Let me show you where I'm gonna put the hot tub later. Who's getting tickled now? I would never get tickled. Where do we smoke this blunt? So it was at the back of the creek in the cave. This is where's... Yeah.

That's where all the lovemaking happens, drama king. Yeah. It was during a Legion of Skank show. You came out in a cowboy outfit. There was pretty much no one there. It was a story track. Sounds about right. We taped a little episode of Broke Black Mountain, I guess.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was right after the ping, dang, something. So I was smoking a blunt, and you walked up and hit it. No, I was smoking. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was right after the ping, dang, something. So I was smoking a blunt, and you walked up and hit it. No, I was smoking a blunt, and I asked you if you wanted to hit it, and you were like, sure, man. Yeah, that's right. I don't know why you had to do that, voice drama king.

God damn it, drama king. You want to hit this? Sure, I'll fuck you. What else happened, though, after that? What did you guys talk about? What did you guys do? So, it was right after Tony was going through a situation, and he was... The Pang Dang, you said, right?

Yeah, we were talking about the state of comedy, et cetera, and he was like, yeah, man, you know, people... All right, it's going on. You nasty motherfucker, Jama King. Yeah! Come on. There you go, Timmy. He got you in one word. Yeah.

Two more, two more. Two more Tony. I mean, this is wonderful. All right, whatever, dude. Yeah, that was a, it was a terrible impression. Okay, anything else crazy we should know about you before letting you go, DK? Drama king, a man with many emotions.

No, no, no, no, no. I mean, if there is anything you should know about my character, it's that I've done a lot of psychedelics, and that's just about it. Hell yeah. The only thing that I consider very significant, over 100 heroic dose trips. Whoa.

Over 100? Yeah, like doing ounces dose trips. Whoa. Yeah. Over 100? Yeah, like doing ounces of mushrooms. Wow. Drama king, that's too many trips. Yeah, it is. It is a lot. But I'm here, and I'm lucid, and I'm cognizant, so... No, you're not actually here right now.

Must be some lies. We're all together. Barely, yeah. Yeah, you be trippin', dude. Yeah, I definitely do. It's one thing that I'm very known for it chirping both physically and mentally What was that red band Doesn't even know

Red pen that is crazy. What did you just have fun bleeping that in the edit you? Holy shit nothing it was nothing. I ran out of big joke books. Here's a little joke book. Thank you. There he goes. Drama King, on behalf of Redman, I apologize. I didn't know what that was.

Nobody knows who we did, so we moved on. Nope, we're not editing that out. We're gonna keep that one in. Redman, disgusting, Drama king, we all apologize. Sweet, sweet drama king. All right. What the fuck were you doing? What'd you think that was?

I did it, that was actually a mistake. No way. We was talking about Donkey Kong, I had it too. Thank you, thank you, thank you, very good. Yes, great. Let's talk about it for as long as fucking possible. Please everybody, can we talk about it all night? I'm gonna bring it up every time you can't edit it out.

I'm gonna bring it up five more times so you cannot edit it. It's Red Band and the only Red Band. Red Band pressed a fucking monkey sound effect. Oh! Red band! Here, where we at time-wise, edit this out. Now, I'm gonna break it up.

But, Red band literally pressed a fucking monkey sound effect. Wow! For one second, then caught himself. But it was just enough, you just heard that, whack! It was a Donkey Kong sound effect. Oh, Donkey Kong. Red band. Please. Come on, man. What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What?

What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What?

What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What?

What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? Yeah! Ladies and gentlemen, I have no idea what's about to happen. Austin is so crazy that sometimes we have special treats that pop in.

Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to present to you here to be on the podcast for a bit. This is indeed the ShamWow guy, Vince Offer. Oh! I love you, I love you. What's up? Hell yeah. Vince, grab that microphone right there. Right there, right there.

It's right behind you. Get the mic. Wait, who's that guy? No, keep going, keep going. Wait, wait. Is that... ShamWow guy, who the fuck is this guy? ShamWow's the right man. You're a goat in insult comedy, I'm a goat in sales.

It's not a big category, but I got to have a bouncer, a bodyguard. Is that made out of ShamWow? Yeah, and you know... Oh, shit. And if I beat up hookers, I need the blood to be picked up by something. Hell yeah. But these girls are too beautiful to have be hookers. Absolutely.

Vince, what are you doing in town? I don't pick good hookers. Well, I'm trying to recruit Ari to do inappropriate comedy too. So I got half a million dollars. That's a different time, bud. Fire it up. Oh, you're too big now? You're too good?

Ari's funny. Ari's funny. He's funny, but he's funnier in my movie, Inappropriate Comedy. Where can people find this movie nowadays? Where's Inappropriate Comedy? 4chan? Hey, your producer didn't want me to come on your podcast. Really?

I'm not talking to you. Oh, all right. I have proteges. I'm gonna give him a raise. Just kidding, Mark. No, no, he's my protege. He's a little, you know, he's, we're doing, what's great about him, he does rap, rhyme.

Oh, no. Like anybody's name. He's one of those guys. That guy, that guy, that guy raps. I changed one of my, yeah, go ahead, do a rap. Okay. Oh, shit. The ShamWow guys, welcome to an episode where we've seen it all.

Ladies and gentlemen, the ShamWow Guys security guard is now going up. Thank you. Wow. And I'll dance to it. By the way, this is my first time on stage, so I'm very nervous. You're doing great. I just asked you to get a drink. You're doing great.

Now, ladies and gentlemen. So basically, my name is Sean Lennon. I'm from Brooklyn. Vinny called me up and said, we're going to Kill Kill Tony. I said, no phony. I got some cowboy boots and a half-bought Ronaroni. I stepped on a plane like, yo, let's go kill this Tony. Where's he at, bro?

And I said, oh shit, it's comedy. So I left it to my boy, the ShamWow guy. He said, oh my, but you didn't know because Kill Tony said, why? We don't like rap. We don't like that crap. I don't care if you're from Howard Stern. He said, oh my, but you didn't know because Gil Tony said, why? We don't like rap. We don't like that crap. I don't care if you're from Howard Stern.

Take it back. Yes. My truck. All right. Wow. Yikes. Wow. He can do this all.

It's like a hip hop comedy show. Oh, yeah. Did you say hip hop comedy show? That is. Oh, yeah. Did you say hip-hop comedy show? That is... Oh, but Ari, it's good to see you. He was in my film. I thought you were gonna... Me, you, Adrian Brody, Lizzy Lohan.

That's my dude right there. Really? Adrian Brody was like, Dirty Harry but Flirty Harry make me gay. Wow. Yes. Wow. And we had Ari...

No, I saw Ari doing all this racist stuff. I love racist stuff. Yeah. Well, you're at the right show. Well, I want Tony to talk, because I've always, you know. No, you're doing great. You and your buddy are fantastic. Like a team.

It is. You guys are like co-partners meets cocaine. This is incredible. You know what? People think I do drugs. I don't. Billy Mays did drugs. They always connect me. Ah. I'm getting a little heavy. This is non. You know what? People think I do drugs. I don't. Billy Mays did drugs. They always connect me with them. I'm getting a little heavy.

This is non-drugs? What is this? I'm looking pretty good at 60. Do I look good at 60? I'm not bad. You're 60? You're fucking 60? Wow. You still fucking hookers? You know what's funny? I have one at my home tonight.

Wait, did you go to jail for that? Next question. Wow, the security guy also PR. I have to leave now. No, hang out. This is fucking weird. Tell us Vince, what have you been up to? You're such an amazing mythical creature of entertainment.

I am coming out with a new product. This is the first time I'm seeing this. I love this. I love it. Sell it baby. Let's hear it. And I want you all to buy it because I see everybody's white here.

So listen, it's called the Black Wow. It's black, big black. The girls can take it in the kitchen, in the living room, in the Black Wow. It's black, big black, the girls can take it in the kitchen, in the living room, in the dining room, and it's big black, strong, and it's diversity, DI. So wait a second, it's basically a sham wow, but it's black. Yeah.

Oh my god. So it doesn't work? Damn, you can't. It makes a bigger mess. Can Mark be in the commercial? No, I don't want anywhere near that fucking thing. You're too white. You're too white. Do you have a catchphrase for Black Wow yet? Do we have a catchphrase? He's one of my co-writers.

I lost him. Okay. Well yes. You ready? If you don't buy it, you're fucking racist. Oh. That means everybody's got to buy one. Come on, send the money up right now. Okay, here we go. We're going to raise some funds. Vince, where did you meet this white rapper hat?

Okay, I used to have a movie called Underground Comedy. This is back in the 90s before Woke. At the time, they were attacking my film. You know, I have suit models taking the dump, Dick Man Fights Lesbians, Miss America Bag Lady pageant. I think I told Ari about it when I did number two. It was wild. It was wild.

So this was before. And it's not even on the internet. It's so fucked. It messed up. So the critics all hated it because they're all Woke in LA. And they said it's the worst movie ever made. No one seems not funny. Come on, you're lying your ass off.

But anyway, so I had to go into the street They said it's the worst movie ever made, no one, it's not funny, come on, you're lying your ass off, but anyway. So I had to go into the street and promote underground comedy on the street, and then people go to the theater and we fill it up, and I said, what am I doing selling movie tickets when I can be on infomercials? And that's how I got into the infomercials. I had like a little DVD player showing people on the street, got him into the theater, and then that's how I crossed into the infomercials. I had like a little DVD player showing at people on the street, got him into the theater,

and then that's how I crossed into the infomercials. I said, forget movies, let's do something. Yeah, you said, fuck movies, let's focus on towels. Exactly, I said, fuck it. And the towels were fucking great. And I'm beating up hookers, running out, clean up the hookers, the blood. And then I crossed, that's how I crossed over

into infomercials, from that. Because the critics hated me, so I took that and went from rags to riches. Absolutely. I'm curious to know. I tend to ask people obnoxiously direct forward questions on this show. And this might be a little too forward.

How much ballpark? Oh my god. I've been informed that it has a 22% on popcorn meter. Inappropriate. My question is this, how about, can you give us a ballpark of about how much money you made from the ShamWow universe? Okay, so about, okay, gross, the 100 million,

I made about 20. Wow. Right, so. Fucking awesome. Honestly, okay. It's my first time on stage, so I'm like, I'm actually kind of shy, but... You're doing great. And that girl, the blonde girl,

is supposed to get me a drink, but whatever. Uh, she's busy doing... Getting hit on by a guy. Yeah. I want a Bud Light, too. Whatever. Yeah. That blonde girl is supposed to get me a drink, too, bro.

Yeah. Heidi knows the type of guys that will punch her in the face. And by the way, I got this... All right, let me get back to the question again. Sorry, Anne. No, you answered it. About 20 million. That's the ballpark.

And then what happened? Did the hooker thing cost you a lot? Honestly, okay, you want to know what happened? I was... This is like, I don't want to get into a documentary here, but I was in a cult for 20 years. I don't want to say what cult because I don't want to get killed after the show. Or maybe within the next week. Scientology, perfect. I didn't say that. You said that.

I said. Well, it's kill Tony. So I don't want to kill me. So you're good. I didn't say that. But so I was 20 years in it. Unfortunately, it wasn't a sex cult. It was a reading cult. And then when I was in Miami, it's the opposite of sex. I had 20 million dollars in my pocket. I'm like everybody, every model wants it. I couldn't even talk. The Russian girl said, hey, let's, I don't want to even say who it is, because I don't like it. She started yapping. You fucking gave her one, too.

Honestly, because I was a little repressed, to be honest. What do you mean? Well, 20 years in a cult that doesn't have sex. And if you have sex, you've got to write it down. It's like a sin. Yeah, it's true. Yeah, pretty bad. So you had 20 million bucks. I should've joined a sex cult, but whatever.

What? So you had 20 million bucks and you weren't really even fucking that much? Yeah. Wow. So then all of a sudden. I kinda like, okay, this is like a podcast now. No, it is.

It's been a podcast the whole time. Uh. That's not gonna work. A big one. I don't think I sent a release. Well, okay, whatever. Um... Oh, God, you didn't? I hope you did.

Oh, Jesus. Oh, boy. Uh, Vince, please don't send... Can we get another rhyme? Me getting sued by the ShamWow guy with... Can we get another rhyme from Sean? No, we're good. It's time to throw in the towel.

Am I this interesting? All right, well, anyway, what we got? So, how much did the hooker thing cost you? Am I this interesting? Oh, all right. Well, anyway, what we got. So how much did the hooker thing cost you? I should have had sex with her, I guess, if I'm going to get blamed for it. But anyway, long story short, I think like, oh, wow, you can just have sex for like money. I'm like, I never thought she on the reg.

All right. That's the last towel joke. Oh, hey, there we go. Absa fucking elutely. All right. There's one. So do you want to know what a thought is, by the way? Why I come up with products and names for products. Yeah, I'm the owner of the products. So I came up with the word thought is. So like, let's say you like Trump and I like Biden.

Right. We don't hate each other. Right. Yeah, but if you I hated you because you like Trump, I would hate your thought. So that's called a thought. So like the color, so you know how racists hate, like black, like you don't like black people. Well, I mean, you're jumping ahead there. I'm not gonna let you work the soundboard over here.

That's for sure. Red band, stop that. Do not do that anymore. Play the monkey right there. He's going ape shit. No, like, why the funky right there? He's gone apeshit. No, like, you don't like, like, you don't like, um, like someone doesn't like a black guy because of his color. Color is skin, right? He doesn't hate him.

So this is someone hates you because of the color of your thought. So you're... So I came up with the color, like, the thoughtist. So your new product is a word. So I'm trying to promote the... I'm trying to... What? Your new product is a word. You've invented a word. And it's free. You can have it. You can use it. If someone hates you for something, you can say,

you know what? You're a fucking thoughtist. Don't be a thoughtist. Yeah. Because if I like Trump, you don't have to hate me. You can just debate me. So that's kind of what I'm trying to say. Not bad. I don't think it's so much...

It's pretty gay, but it's not bad. Hey, Red Band's on the board! And he's back, everybody. Red Band's back. He's going to blow it. He's back. But he's back. He's back. Give him a minute.

He will blow it. What's funny is I'm just trying to get my protege here to come on, and all of a sudden I'm out. You're doing good. Vince, no one wants your protege. It's a diamond dozen. They're a diamond dozen. Move two feet, and your body will follow.

Come on. No, it's OK. It's OK. He did good. The rap was good. The rap was good. body will follow. Come on. No, it's OK. He did good. The rap was good. The rap was good. The rap was terrible, Tony.

No, yeah. That's what I'm just saying. He moves on. Let Bill Murray's brother just do it. Let me do the weave back with Trump. We met at the underground comedy was so offensive. He used to be a caller on the Howard Stern show and call and say things. and that's how we met.

Oh cool. Ah, Yosemite Sham. Wow. Yosemite Sham, wow. Wow. That is great. So we met at the Howard Stern show. Well Vince, we're gonna keep it moving along.

Any last words to the beautiful audience here, to the people? Your first time live on stage. Yeah, first time, I appreciate it. You guys all made me feel good. I love it. The goats of comedy and I'm a... Hang out.

Yeah, hang out. We'll all hang out afterwards. Giffin's saying, Giffin's and his friends' Mincey's passes. Wow. How about that, huh? All right. We're almost to the end here. We have our first female comedian of the night, which will be our last bucket pull. Let's see how this goes.

Ladies and gentlemen, a minute from Brie Collette. Brie Collette, everyone. She is Brie Collette, everybody. Brrr a second. Yeah. Wow. Wow. Wow. Shh. Shh. Yeah. That was pretty cool.

Sorry. I'm dyslexic. Yeah. I can burp on command. It's pretty cool. I actually have an OnlyFans for it. Only burps. That's five dollars. I'm sorry. You're cool.

You're hot. I was supposed to do a joke. Um, thank you. Um, yeah, my dad... Hey, this is what bombing looks like. Um, someone was like, that's not... All right, that is all the time. She didn't really get a chance.

What are you talking about? What, do you have a burp fetish? Well, Mark burped in her face. And then I think you were riffing and you didn't play it on burping right away, did you? No. Really? No. Yeah, obviously she didn't just-

Did you want to do like material you burped and just talked about burping the whole fucking time? You know, it is a job, but I mean- Do you have any non-burp material you'd like to do? Okay, thank you Red Band, very good. And it took him that long to blow it everyone. A fart noise during a burp part of the show. That was hot. Absolutely retarded.

He's back, dude. Oh my God. The king is back. Oh my God. The people love it. Subretarded business partner, Brian Redban. 13 and a half years working side by side. Hold on, I have a question. I'm sorry.

Did you plan, did you honestly plan on doing burp material? No. Oh, okay, yeah. No, but I heard some fucking weak ass burps up here and so I had to compete. Hold on. I don't know who it was. Just relax.

Too hyphy. Oh my God. What are you talking about? No. Did someone burp into the microphone? Yeah, a couple times. Not with her here. Right.

Before. You heard a burp earlier and you're like. Am I the one who's wrong? Did Mark burp as soon as she got on stage? She did. That was you the whole time? Yeah. And then she.

Oh, you mutant. Sorry, I was defending her. That's on me.. Oh, you mutant. I'm sorry I was defending her. I didn't play. That's on me. Let me ask you this. If you didn't hear Mark burp many minutes ago, were you planning on doing your entire minute about burping? No, I got distracted.

It's my idea. She... Do a joke. Thank you. No, I mean, I want her, I wanted her to do a joke when I brought her out here. I mean, I don't understand. I don't want to kill time. I mean, I want her, I wanted her to do a joke when I brought her out here. I mean, I don't understand. Oh, I don't wanna kill time. I mean, I already did, so.

Ah. All right. You wanna root for her, but she's unlikable. Yeah, it's unbelievable. I'm unlikable? All right, come on. Ladies and gentlemen, here to do some of her actual material, her non-fucking-burp material.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mark, put your microphone down. This is Brie Collette, everybody. Brie Collette, everybody. Brie Collette. -♪ Hey. Hey, that's pretty funny. All right, cut her off. Oh, my God. All right. All right, perfect. That's it. Great.

That is the funniest thing you could have done. That's perfect. You did it, Brie. Unbelievable. Unbelievable. It is the conference. Unbelievable. It is so great to see that Amy Schumer has new material. This is incredible. So how long have you been doing standup? I started in Portland about two and a half,

three years ago. Two and a half years ago in Portland where they find that type of stuff unbelievably groundbreaking and hilarious. Super hip. Super hip. Uh... It's hot. So, how much material do you think you have altogether?

Non-burp material. Solid 20. Okay. What types of things do you talk about when you're not burping in front of millions of fucking people and the biggest opportunity that you'll ever have in your entire life, which you will look back and regret on forever.

As of now. But I mean. Oh yeah. There's gonna be bigger opportunities. Oh yeah. Trust me dude, the burp queen. Yeah. She's gonna wake up with the drama king.

Yeah. Yep. And they're gonna fucking... I take that hoops, you know? No, but, yeah, I don't know. Dicks. What about dicks? That's the best.

What about dicks? That's the best to do. I mean, I talk about... What about dicks? I talk about dating. I talk about how I have bipolar, too. Oh, there it is. So I'm not the crazy one, you know?

Okay. And ADHD, and just, I'm just fucked up, so. Can we hear a zinger about dicks? A zinger? A joke, you know, like a comedian. A joke, Mark's from the fucking 20s. Yeah. Can we hear a zinger?

Come on, you crazy broad. I took the locomotive here. Took the locomotive here to hear some zingers. All I'm hearing is some upchuck. Give me some yuckum ups, you burp pig. Okay, okay, I like it. Talk about something you read in the newspaper, the periodicals.

This is great. Keep it coming. I love it. You ever seen a dick? Okay, wait. Yeah, I have seen a dick. Wait, that's not how it starts, hold on. I'm sitting with five of them.

Right. You ever put a dick in your mouth? Not yet. All right. That as soon as you put it in, it kind of like latches in place, you know? No? Yeah.

They're a dick, you know? I don't even drink water. Oh my God. All right. Here's a little joke book, Bree. That was... There you go. Boom. There she goes. Bree Collette, everybody.

She can belch, which, by the way, everyone can do. Little fun fact is anybody can do that at any point. She was good. I've told you. You missed out on a star. Yeah. It should have been a gold digger. That was a superstar. Yeah. She's been the I've done you. You missed out on a star. Yeah. It should have been a gold digger. That was a superstar. Yeah. She's been the best yet, probably.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Wow. Ladies and gentlemen, we've come to that time. William Montgomery has the flu, everybody. Yes. Thank God. William Montgomery with what some people. Yes, thank God. William Montgomery with what some people are saying is up to a 103 degree fever right now. So he is out.

However, ladies and gentlemen, here to close the show is literally one of the greatest regulars in the history of the show. Some people call him the American dream. Some people call him the green card Goliath. Ladies and gentlemen, this is indeed the Estonian assassin, Ari Mati! I am so fucking tired of being poor. I'm about to snap.

When is it my time? Even if you make a million dollars now. Remember when you were a kid, you thought million dollars, that's a fucking summer house in Italy, downtown apartment in Austin, now a million dollars whoo one bedroom in Pflugerville. Now I feel bad for millionaires I'm like fuck Chick-fil-A is hiring I don't know. When you look at rich people don't you sometimes feel like you missed a year in school? Like where they talked, where the bag is at, you know?

Because my school was like, Alphabet, Hitler, and then they were like, okay, now go pay taxes. What the fuck was algebra? Teach me how to run a scam, you bitch. Remember when we spent three years on a triangle? I'm 32 years old, never even seen one. Teach me about offshore accounts. Fuck.

And when you meet rich people, I always ask, I always ask, how? And they never say, oh, it's some real vague. You know, rich people love to say like, oh, the right place at the right time. I've been everywhere always. Let me in, rich people, come on, let me in the circle. Let's go, I get it. Let's fucking privatize water in Sierra Leone.

Let's go! I'm cool! Take me to Epstein Island. Let's go! I'll fuck the kids. And keep my mouth shut. The only people who do give you financial advice are dudes who are into crypto, huh? How come every guy who tells you about crypto is also on the bus. It's always your friend Tyler with like bong breath. Dude, Bitcoin's coming back.

You want to be like Tyler, the fact that this information has trickled down to you? Means we're already too late. Thank you so much everybody, thank you. Wow, three minutes and nine seconds of brand new material. Absolutely unbelievable. Ari Mati has done it again, over three times the necessary work that you had to do a whole cohesive bit.

Thanks. You did it. It is just unbelievable. And you're getting in. You're just sliding into home base at the last second with your I'm still poor material right before you announce a new fucking giant tour, I'm sure, because you sell tickets now, so this is it. This is your last chance.

Can't announce a tour without a visa. That is true. That is true. We are exactly seven days away from an inauguration. Whee! That's your buddy. I hope so. It's my birthday, Trump.

Give me it. That's it. Absolutely. Give it to me. I'm white. It's gonna go bad. The perfect specimen. Come on.

I've seen your family. You love me. Superior genetics. I'm positive Trump will see this. I'm positive he will let you in. He's gonna deport you. I know, Ari, I know. I'm scared.

I bet he comes on here at one point. Probably, huh? He's scared, he won't. You think? I think he's too frightened. Oh. He's definitely not. First of all, he's had a couple appearances on this show.

I don't know if you guys have noticed it. Some of the most viewed episodes in this show's history. Uh. Well, you did his show at the Garden. Yeah, I did his show at the Garden. You did not get a booklet. I did not. Give you a little book.

I did. It is true. It is true. Never heard of him, and don't want to hear of him. That's what he said. Oh, my God. That's what he said. Find me in a week in the front row of the inauguration.

Anyway. Uh. Uh. Yeah. I'm positive Trump would love you. He has a great sense of humor. Had his own roast 14 years ago, 15 years ago or so, on Comedy Central.

It was the biggest roast of all time at the time. And yeah, he's got a great sense of humor. He's one of the funniest people in the world. I don't know what he would think about your accent though. That's... Uh-huh. Makes him worried maybe. Probably horny. Yeah. That's a wise observation. He likes those accents.

Yeah. Sometimes I see like American guys here, they have when they have the flag and they're like proud, you know, they're like, when they hear the flag and they're like proud, you know, they like fucking When they hear my accent at a cafe or something you can tell they're like what the fuck is moving into my country now It's just another fucking accent. They do that in Estonia. What like wear the flag and they're like, yeah No, not really. Yeah, we don't have that fucking genocide energy, you know? What do you mean? You guys killed everybody. You know those people here before you, you know that, right Shane?

You know, you guys participated in some wild moves. You forgot I know history, you little nis, you fuck. I'm so sorry about that. I have not heard of it. Both ways, Nazis and Soviets, you little snake fucks. We did. I know all about you, nasty little people. Yeah, look at you. Get in where you fitted, you nasty fuck.

We gave ours casinos, motherfucker. Yeah, exactly. That's a little parting gift. You did nothing for the Jews. Yeah. Which reminds me, America's sweetheart comes out tonight at midnight. What else is going on in the wild world of Ari Mati?

I went to Tulum for eight days. I just got back yesterday. Diarrhea, I have now. During the trip, no diarrhea. Street food, everything, ba ba ba ba ba, nothing. And then I got here, I went to the airport. That's where I got the diarrhea. It's a perfect place to have it.

Yeah. Yeah, that's actually god-looking. It's what airports are for. Yeah. What do you think caused the diarrhea? What did you eat? I ate a burrito. I know I came from Mexico, but I just felt like one.

I can't remember the spot though. I think it was called guacamole or some shit. That could have been the problem, huh? Because I've eaten chipotle. You've eaten chipotle. Big fan. Never had diarrhea. Right. Wow, that's American.

Yeah. We clean it up. Although it is a Mexican making it. But still. You get lucky over there in Mexico? They do love me there, the brown women. So how much you pay? A couple of pesos.

I've never had a hooker. I don't know. That's like an American thing, right? Get a hooker. What? That's not just America. I'm pretty sure that's a fucking Estonian thing. Yeah.

They're pretty big in Europe and Mexico. Well, I went to a strip club here, the one that's supporting the show too. That was a wonderful experience. Were you at the Red Rose or the Yellow Rose? I was at the Yellow one. Okay. And I've never been to a strip club where it's like... There's an Asian one?

Oh, sorry. What were you saying about the Yellow Rose? It was a very positive environment for the ladies, you know. Yeah. Because I've been to like Estonian strip club. It's not exactly like you know it's all like What do they do there? Well? It's all women who don't have passports, and they don't want to be there. You know It's not exactly like a cool. Oh, you know they're slaves is that way you're saying though prisoners something like that

Yeah, wow if you look into their eyes you get fucking hard But then again our women don't burp on a microphone so look into their eyes, you get fucking... Hard? Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. But then again, our women don't burp on a microphone, so. Ha ha ha. There's ups and downs to everything. She performs at the Yellow Gross. Ha ha ha. Amazing, Ari Mati, amazing.

You did it, three minutes, 10 seconds. Thank you so much, everybody. New material, ladies and gentlemen, the Estonian assassin, Ari Mati. The drawing from Ryan J. Ebelt is in. What did Chris Rogers do over there? Oh, Ari Mati. Fuck yeah.

I think it's Ari Mati and Blackface. Ari Mati. Cam Mati. I... Uh, ladies and gentlemen, did you guys have fun tonight? I don't know if I mentioned this, but Ari Shaffir's brand-new Netflix special, America's Sweetheart, out now on Netflix.

Check it out. Thank you. How about one more time for the great Mark Normand everybody. And come on ladies and gentlemen one of the best to ever do the damn thing Shane Gillis everyone here live in the flesh. Thank you Shopify, PrizePix, Bluechew and ZipRecruiter. We did it again. Love you guys. Have a great night everybody. Thank you Shopify, Prize Fix, Bluechew, and ZipRecruiter. We did it again. Love you guys. Have a great night everybody.

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