KILL TONY - #703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS

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Starting point is 00:03:30 Tickets are still now for my stand-up comedy featuring some of your favorite characters from the show, especially me. All tickets are at TonyHinchcliff.com right now. Hey, this is Redman coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hicksett! Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? Austin, Texas, who's with us? Make some fucking noise, huh? Yeah! Wow. Make some noise for Red Band, everybody, huh? Yeah!

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Starting point is 00:09:17 Who's ready to start tonight's episode, huh? Look, you guys know me. When I book this show, sometimes it's three guests deep. Sometimes it's two guests. Sometimes it's one guest. Sometimes it's a guest who has done the show a record setting amount of times. And every once in a while, you get to be here

Starting point is 00:09:39 for the very first guest appearance of a comedian. This is one of those moments you will never forget, for it is indeed this comedian's first time ever joining us. A guest that I have wanted since the show's inception 12 and a half years ago. I present to you one of the greatest comedians in the world. His first time in the Kill Tony universe this is Fluffy Gabriel Iglesias

Starting point is 00:10:11 Oh yeah baby Let's fucking go Gabriel Iglesias It is Gabriel Iglesias, it is Gabriel Iglesias. Ah ha ha ha ha! Yes indeed! The one and the only, the great and the powerful, Gabriel Iglesias! Oh yeah, baby. That is an amazing intro.

Starting point is 00:10:47 I'm so glad you have actual Mexicans playing that. We are fresh off of watching pro wrestling together. Look at the Mexicans are even videotaping it. You know where, you know this whole thing's being videotaped, right Fernando? I love it, man. You got all the Mexicans on one side and the black people on one side. That's right.

Starting point is 00:11:07 You gotta keep them separated. You gotta keep them separated. I don't know if that's Fernando or Raul that was videotaping. I get them all confused. I just know that Carlos is on the sax, to be honest. I've never memorized which one was the other one. And it's gotten, I've gotten by so far without anybody knowing. Austin, how are you?

Starting point is 00:11:27 Yeah. Tony, thank you for having me, man. We are so pumped to have you. Red man, what's up, dude? Hell yeah. Can you please tell everybody what you're drinking again? It's a Gay Vegas. It's a sugar-free Red Bull and vodka.

Starting point is 00:11:41 Wow. Rob starts, I go, hey, what is that? He goes, it's a Gay Vegas. I go, what? I like how you describe it though. I might order one. Who knows? Well, we're going to have some fun tonight and this is your first time. So let me tell you, 212 human beings signed up tonight. Two, one, two is the magic number.

Starting point is 00:11:55 They are loaded in a bar across the street. If I pull one of their names out, they get 60 seconds on the stage. You know their time is up and you're the sound of a kitten. You know, you're the sound of a cat. You know a bar across the street. If I pull one of their names out they get 60 seconds on the stage. You know their time is up and you're the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear and that rudely interrupts them. I conduct an interview with them. We find out more about them. They get to talk to

Starting point is 00:12:19 my esteemed panelists. Gabriel and Glacius get some information and some feedback and some intel on what they could be talking about. It's a live interview. Everything is improvised. Anything can happen. Are you guys ready to start tonight's fucking show, huh? All right, while we go wrangle our first bucket pool, let's get it started with one of our esteemed

Starting point is 00:12:39 golden ticket winners. This boy is from Los Angeles, California, and he is in town. One of the most recent Golden Ticket winners on the show. Ladies and gentlemen, to start the show, this is a brand-new minute from Golden Ticket winner Jack Shaw. -♪

Starting point is 00:12:54 -♪ -♪ -♪ -♪ -♪ -♪ -♪ Oh, shit!

Starting point is 00:13:02 Time for the Jewish portion of the show, guys! Lock the door, gasp the room. Let's have a good time, okay? Oh, man, I love being Jewish in Texas, guys. I'm exotic here, dude. I am. I've been making shit up, dude. I've been telling people, we still eat babies! I'm having a good time, man. Oh, you guys didn't like that. Okay, that's fine.

Starting point is 00:13:23 It's okay, man. I, you guys didn't like that. Okay, that's fine. It's okay, man. I was an angry kid growing up. I got in some fights growing up. Like, one time at camp, this kid hit me in the head with a ping pong paddle, so I kicked him in the balls. And like, I know that's a cheap shot, but I was such a bad counselor.

Starting point is 00:13:44 Okay. I'm trying to bad counselor. Um... Okay. I'm trying to learn how to fight. I started taking a Muay Thai class, which was pretty cool. And I don't know why that's funny, you fuckers, dude. Jesus Christ. It was pretty cool. The first day I got there, I found out

Starting point is 00:14:00 that everyone gets a nickname, and this is true. My nickname was Jew Bitch. I... The Latino guys had a field day with that one, dude. No pun intended, man, but I found out... I found out that the only way to get a new nickname was to fight for it, so I stuck with the nickname. All right. Thank you guys so much. Jack Shaw.

Starting point is 00:14:30 You've been doing it. Moo-ee-tie. Is that what you call it? Moo-ee-tie. Isn't that what it is? Maybe I'm in the wrong glass, dude. You're with cows. Moo-ee-tie. It's moe-tie. Oh, more, more Thai. Moi, moi.

Starting point is 00:14:47 Mui. Mui. Mui. There you go. It's Jewish, man, it's an accent. It's moi Thai, dude. We're having a moi Thai. What are we having for dinner tonight?

Starting point is 00:14:57 Mui Thai, okay, all right. Jack is a wild boy, high energy. Do you take anything? Are you on Ritallin' or something? Dude, I'm on Prozac. Really? Yeah. So you're...

Starting point is 00:15:09 I'm gonna hug everyone, dude. This is you kind of calmed down then. I guess. No, Prozac didn't really like calm me down. It actually kind of gave me the confidence to do comedy. Really. Wow. Like I was super nervous and afraid of everything. And then I got on that and it was super helpful.

Starting point is 00:15:26 So, yeah. Amazing. Not funny, but it's a good thing. Yeah, no, it's fine. How long have you been on Prozac? About, since I started four years. Okay. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:15:37 So you started Prozac and immediately you started standup comedy. Yeah. Look at that. That's like a Pfizer ad right now. Yeah. It's happening. How much did they pay you for that?

Starting point is 00:15:45 Anything I could get, dude. I'll take any money. Okay. All right. Anthony Fauciberg over here. Yeah. Incredible. What were you super afraid of? What were some of the things

Starting point is 00:15:56 that you were most afraid of in the world? You seem like you're still afraid of a lot of stuff. The outside in general, dude. I didn't like going out there. I was depressed, man. I just didn't like myself. And it made me feel OK to look in the mirror. Jesus Christ.

Starting point is 00:16:17 Bro, seriously? What the? How about, hey, how's your day, man? What makes you become a comic? Hug me, bro. Yeah, look at that. Oh, yeah. Whoo! Oh, God.

Starting point is 00:16:32 Dude, I'm not that, dude. I'm not. I take Prozac, too, man, but, uh, yeah. Don't ask me no questions about that. He went from Muay Thai to Muay Mexican over here. Yeah. Jack, how's life been? You've been here in Austin during all the fires. You're based out of L.A. Yep, yep. I've been out here, dude.

Starting point is 00:16:53 Life's been good. I got a dog back home and... Is it a little scared Jewish dog? It's a little... Yeah. He's trying to think of a pun. Couldn't think of one. Okay. He's a husky of a pun. Couldn't think of one. Okay. He's a he's a husky and a dachshund mix. So he's like a he's like an angry. Yeah, you're trying to figure out how they lined them up, huh?

Starting point is 00:17:13 Yeah, I didn't do it. I didn't make it happen. That poor little dachshund. You better fuck this husky dude. Yeah. Get in there. No, I do. He's staying with my parents right now, and my dad keeps threatening, my dad hates him

Starting point is 00:17:33 a lot, and he keeps threatening to put lighter fluid on him and send him to the palisades. Wow. I'm not, it's just- All right, go ahead, ask him more questions. Ask him more questions. He was doing, you were doing good, bro. You should have quit that I go ahead. Ask him more questions. Yeah, ask him more questions. He was doing it. You were doing good, bro. You should have quit when you were ahead. Incredible.

Starting point is 00:17:48 Your dad is wild. What does your dad do for work? He was a comedy writer for his career. Oh, my God. What did he work on? He worked on a lot of game shows. He worked on the Hollywood Squares for a while. He worked on some sitcoms. He worked on The Nanny. Remember that show? Of course. Wow. Some Fran Drescher fans out there.

Starting point is 00:18:06 Absolutely incredible. Wow, so he's retired now? He's retired by force. He can't find any work. Yeah, it's super cool. I'm so happy I said that. Is he jealous of you? Did he ever do stand-up comedy?

Starting point is 00:18:18 He did, dude, and he's really proud. He's really proud, man. He's proud. Yeah. Do we recognize him if we saw him on anything? No! Absolutely not. Wow. Why do you think his stand-up career never...

Starting point is 00:18:33 Because he had you. Oh, 100%. Yeah, no, I ruined his life. Do you have siblings? Yeah, I have a brother. He's 10 years older than me. He's from my dad's first failed marriage. Oh. So, he's on his second with my mom. Okay. Wow.

Starting point is 00:18:52 Damn. Sorry. What happened? Why did... Why do you think he went to... Is he still with your mom? Yeah. Okay. So, that's stuck. They do not love each other.

Starting point is 00:19:05 No, that's not totally true. But I hear them whisper fighting in the other room all the time. I bet. Such a fucking bitch, Sherry. Don't. Shut up. I don't want to hear Jack call you a fucking bitch. Incredible.

Starting point is 00:19:20 And they're both very Jewish as well? Oh, they're extremely Jewish. What do you think, before I let you go, what do you think's the most Jewish thing about your parents? What is it that really stands out to you to where you're like, Jesus, you too? Oh, really? The most Jewish thing about them is how much my dad hates Jewish people. Right. It really is. It's like it's a very Jewish thing to hate Judaism. Yeah, I think I'm Jewish now that you mention it.

Starting point is 00:19:49 This is how I find out that I was Jewish all along. Jack, way to get it started. You are... Good job, man. Thank you, guys. There he goes. Time to get to this bucket, ladies and gentlemen. This guy's been on this show before.

Starting point is 00:20:06 It's been a long time since we've seen him. Oh, I know what that noise means. The lovely Heidi is here, everyone. Make some noise for Heidi, live in the flesh. I always love seeing the tourist faces when they actually get to see Heidi. And they go, yep, wow, yep. Don't see those.

Starting point is 00:20:23 Cheers. Hell yeah. Fuck yeah see those. Cheers. Hell yeah. Fuck yeah, everyone. Cheers. Mexican side of the band, salu. Salu, caberos. Tequila. It is.

Starting point is 00:20:34 Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for your first bucket pool of the night. It is the return of Tim Hanlon, everyone. It's been a while. Here's Tim Hanlon. All right, what's going on, y'all? I just learned something for the first time. I probably should have known this.

Starting point is 00:20:51 Maybe you guys don't. Did you know that Muslims are sober? They don't drink at all, none of them. That freaked me out. Like even like Muslim terrorists are stone sober. They're just drinking shots of milk talking about that to America. Jesus, that's scarier than thinking if they were smashed. I don't know man. Maybe they could use a glass of wine, you know, calm the nerves a little bit, you

Starting point is 00:21:18 know. I got to talk for 60 seconds. I had two whiskeys back there. But if I had to do what they had to do, if I had to strap on a suicide vest, I'd start drinking the night before. I'd be hammered. I'd show up drunk. They'd be like, Tim, it's eight o'clock in the morning. I'd be like, well, it's 9-11 somewhere. All right, thanks guys.

Starting point is 00:21:41 All right, Tim Hanlon. It's nice to get to meet Jack Shaw's comedy retired father. I've been around. You do look like a guy that used to write comedy for game shows. I know his mom. Here you are, Tim. Welcome back. It's been a while since we've seen you.

Starting point is 00:22:02 Yes. Indeed, Muslims don't drink. Hey, I'm not Muslim. Hell yeah've seen you. Yes. Indeed Muslims don't drink. Hey, I'm not Muslim. Hell yeah, thank God for that. Thank God. Oh damn, Jesus Christ. But I am Mexican.

Starting point is 00:22:14 Orale. I will. Heidi. Fuck yeah. Tim, how long you been doing stand up? I started in 2010. 2010. 12 years, something like that, yeah.

Starting point is 00:22:28 I don't think you know what year it is. That would be- I haven't known what year it is in a minute, bro. 15 years. Yeah, I don't own a clock. I just float around. You own a clock. I don't own a clock.

Starting point is 00:22:41 Right, how about a calendar? That clock doesn't really- Probably since 2010. Okay, all right. What is your living situation like, Tim? It's better than most people would assume, man. I got a nice house. I do have two roommates. I got a couple, oh, a comic and his girl. Okay. But I got a nice house down in South Austin. Yeah. Nice. Yeah. You love it. It's great. Yeah. It's awesome. Don't lock my doors.

Starting point is 00:23:08 You have a lot of clothes in your closet. You have a lot of choices or is that it? Here's the thing. Yeah. I used to have more. Every time I move, I just give clothes away. So there's some fly looking bums in LA right now. I left LA and gave all my clothes away.

Starting point is 00:23:20 And this is what I kept. Yeah. This is my... You don't like Johnny Cash, bro? Okay. I see Johnny Cash. I look all right? All right. No?

Starting point is 00:23:32 You look all right, bro. I'd say more, but I'm wearing shorts. Yeah, you're wearing two shorts, bro. No, I have a thing. It is incredible. I don't have my Hawaiian shirt on tonight. I'm sorry, bro. It works. Tell us what's been happening. Oh, yeah, they do match.

Starting point is 00:23:47 Oh, my observation from John Dees. It is indeed brown. Yeah. Oh, my God. You are wearing camo pants. What an embarrassing moment for you. Oh, my God. Right. We're just lighting up Tim Handlin. John's like, oh, fuck. Shit. Doodly doodly doodly doodly. But he has a keyboard to cover up his bad choices. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:24:11 Yeah. Fucking guys, man. It is incredible. I can't believe you guys both went with this luck tonight. So, Tim, tell us about your process or your career lately. What's been going on in comedy? Started 15 years ago. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:24:24 Came out Guns of Blaze. It's a good premise that Muslims don't drink. I feel like there was a little bit more there you could have fucking had. I was waiting for it. Yeah, there's more, you know, I was rushing through a little bit. Typical Muslim jokes, I'm waiting for a big boom at the end.

Starting point is 00:24:35 Never came, really. I don't know. I don't know. This is an episode. I don't even know Muslims. I don't know if that's true or not. Is that true? I don't know.

Starting point is 00:24:44 No, they drink. Some guy that looked like him told me that, so I don't know. They drink. don't know if that's true or not. Is that true? They look like him told me that so I don't know drink. I'm friends with a son of mine He doesn't drink on what's the name of their wacky holiday Ramadan? I'm probably gonna get killed for calling it a wacky holiday There is a There's a thing on my life. What do they call that? She hot yeah they call that? A jihad. Yeah. But yeah, no, they drank. We went on a fucking bar crawl to celebrate Ari Shafir's special release a couple weeks ago and I promise you, Asana Ma got fucked up. We all thought it would be a good idea, the six of us. There was a ton of us fucking comedians, Ari, DeRosa, fucking all of us, and we all thought it would

Starting point is 00:25:23 be a good idea. Ari wanted to do a shot and a drink at a bunch of bars on the East Side, a true crawl, which I've never really done before, and we fucking did it. And by bar seven, we thought it would be a good idea to all slam into the photo booth at once, one of those old school photo booths. And all we got was a bunch of pictures of Hassan's head. So there is proof that a Muslim strength.

Starting point is 00:25:50 All right. Tim, what made you want to go in that direction out the gate? Like, you know, that's that's like a tough area to go into that joke for right now. Well, you know, you only get a minute, dude. Yeah, exactly. I do longer sets and stuff. So most of my stuff is a little bit more developed. And I figure that's got like a short. It's a newer joke? Two months old.

Starting point is 00:26:10 OK. Yeah. OK. But it's short. It's not like a story. I got to come up here. Of course. Did I make the, did I make the, upset them?

Starting point is 00:26:19 It's a tough topic to go into. Yeah, I mean, I stopped being scared of jokes a long time ago. I'm not scared of jokes, but I'm scared of Muslims. I ain't here to offend. The views of Tim are not those of Gabriel Iglesias. I got your cover, or Tony history. Hell yeah.

Starting point is 00:26:37 I'll protect everybody. Hell yeah. Yeah, dude. Yeah. I don't know. I thought it was a fun job. I mean, you're a gangster. You went for it.

Starting point is 00:26:42 I can give you credit on that. Woo. Yeah. Really? Yeah, that's it. I can be credit on that. Really? You probably went after the hard. I mean, what? Think of another topic that would have been harder for him to go into. Then Muslims. In Texas, you're probably right.

Starting point is 00:26:58 Plack abortions. Jesus, Red Fan. The hardest thing I had ever talking about, especially like gun control, that's the worst thing. Don't say shit about guns. See how quiet? Yeah, that's the one thing. I won't say shit about guns.

Starting point is 00:27:14 I learned that lesson. I love that he respects guns more than Muslims. Like, dude, man. Tim. I'm not much of a... Tim, we gotta talk after, bro. I'm not much of a... You might need full camo after this show. I'm shifty, bro.

Starting point is 00:27:31 Tim, you've been on this show multiple times. No, I was on only in the LA, at the belly room, yeah. Or the main room. Only once? Yep, that's the only time ever. Really? And I sign up every... Yeah, I used to sign up every fucking night for like years and I finally got on and ever since you came out here I haven't really signed up too

Starting point is 00:27:51 much but thanks so much for fucking for the opportunity man this is fantastic yeah there you go absolutely Tim Hanlon who's somehow only a second appearance ever I could swear you've been on more than that. Here's a medium sized joke book. It'll match your getup. Thank you, brother. Make some noise for Tim Hanlon, everybody. There he goes. Little Elon Musk send off there after a,

Starting point is 00:28:15 Jesus Christ. Holy shit. All right, there he goes. Good day, this podcast is sponsored by ZipRecruiter Guys. I'm a boss and hiring is important to me. According to research, a major challenge that many employers face is the pressure to hire quickly. And it's a tough hurdle to overcome

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Starting point is 00:29:45 Again, that's ZipperCruiter.com slash Killtony. ZipperCruiter, the smartest way to hire. This podcast is sponsored by Blue Nile. Guys, are you popping the big question? Sure, it's a huge moment, but what they don't tell you is how many decisions you'll have to make when choosing the perfect engagement ring. Shape, size, style, setting, cut, color, clarity, caret. If you're like most people you may have no idea but trust me she knows exactly what

Starting point is 00:30:13 she wants. So it's time to learn fast. There's no better place to start than bluenile.com. Red bean. Tony I love blue Nile. At bluenile.com you'll create a bigger more brilliant engagement ring than you can imagine. At a price you'll never find at a traditional jeweler. You're so right, Red Band. You know that? Since 1999, Blue Nile has been the original online jeweler. They've always been committed to ensuring

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Starting point is 00:30:52 In most cases, even delivered overnight, Blue Nile has a 100% satisfaction guarantee with free shipping and returns. So you can make sure the ring you pick is the one. And because love can last forever, you get free service and repair for life. Right now, get $50 off your first purchase of $500 or more with code TONY at bluenile.com. That's $50 off with code TONY at bluenile.com. Bluenile.com. Alright, your next bucket poll ladies and gentlemen Looks like a brand new name. Make some noise for Jusu Vest, perhaps.

Starting point is 00:31:27 It's some rough handwriting. Jusu Vest or Vast? Jusu. There he is. Wow, look at this. Jason Vest. Jason Vest, everybody. Thank you, thank you.

Starting point is 00:31:44 Stay away from Muslim topics. Got it. I'm 40, oh sorry. Okay, I'm sorry. We'll reset it one more time. The clock, here he is. Make some noise for Jason Vest, everybody. I'm 46 years old and I'm six years overdue for getting my prostate checked.

Starting point is 00:32:04 I hate doctors and I'm terrified to get the procedure done because I haven't had a man put a finger up my butt since I was a Cub Scout. For those of you that cringe, do not cringe. I was a loose boy. I was a loose boy. I was a slutty kid, and I fucked my way to the top of the Eagle Scouts.

Starting point is 00:32:27 I jerked off a scout leader with a Nintendo Power Glove in the back of a 1986 Ford Escorts. And that's how I became the youngest Eagle Scout in history, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you. I'm a veteran. I'm a veteran, and I go to the VA medical system for my health care, and it's shitty.

Starting point is 00:32:52 I get four Viagra tablets monthly. Four. I spent 20 years in the military and one year in Iraq, and that only equates to four hard-ons a month? That's why I voted Republican, because Donald Trump said he was gonna get us 10. Thank you. equates to four hard-ons a month? That's why I voted Republican, because Donald Trump said he was gonna get us 10. Thank you.

Starting point is 00:33:10 All right. Jason Vest. Okay. All right, let's go. This is your first time on the show, correct? Second time. Oh, there you go. I got it, everybody.

Starting point is 00:33:22 Everything's backwards here tonight. Dude, the visual I got from the power glove in the back of an escort. I'm like, oh my god You felt that shit didn't you? I felt that dude. The escort the one that had the power seatbelts the automatic ones Yeah, oh god, you know How long ago was your last appearance on the show? Almost a year ago Tony I was on in February last year Did I tell you on that episode that you look like the guy from Ghostbusters 2

Starting point is 00:33:46 that makes Vigo the Barbarian come to life out of the... It is Vigo! It is Vigo! It's an amazing impression you can... It is Vigo! I've seen Ghostbusters 2 a lot. Yeah. You have that... though you have those energies. Thank you, thank you.

Starting point is 00:34:05 Yeah, that's exactly what he would say if he was here right now. That's how he would say it. You. Absolutely incredible. How long you been doing standup, Jason? Four and a half years, Tony. Where at?

Starting point is 00:34:16 I started in Detroit and then I moved to Chicago and then I moved here a year ago. Wow, Detroit and Chicago. I cannot picture you fitting into either one of those cities at all. I haven't performed for so many white people in my life. I'm not used to it. I'm uncomfortable telling you.

Starting point is 00:34:32 Incredible, incredible. Yeah, I mean, you're used to performing in the back of Ford Escorts. Yeah, and did what you had to be done. Incredible, what do you do for a living? How do you make money, Jason? I'm retired from the military, and I live on my VA disability and my pension,

Starting point is 00:34:49 and I make content, and I'm on the Love Line radio show on K-Rock. Nice. What branch of the military were you in? Navy? No, I retired. I was a National Guard recruiter. Oh, okay.

Starting point is 00:35:03 National Guard recruruiter. Did you recruit anybody? Like, you seem like you would be the worst recruiter. With the power glove. Power glove. We got him in there. I hold the state record for the Michigan National Guard for the most enlistments in one month. Never been beat.

Starting point is 00:35:22 Oh, my God. The power glove, man. Incredible. Never been beat. My God. Power Glove, man. Incredible. I lied to kids a lot. Yeah. I bet. Sorry.

Starting point is 00:35:34 Your body count must be incredible. Insane. I've actually seen his content online. Really? Yeah, Jason, you're very funny. Thank you so much. Thank you. Your reviews of, Jason, you're very funny. Thank you so much. Thank you.

Starting point is 00:35:46 Your reviews of... He does these insane reviews of massage parlors. Is that true? It's part of the culture, brother. Amen. Wow, I've never seen a standing ovation from Red... Okay, Jesus Christ. Hey, I'm the one that mentioned it.

Starting point is 00:36:00 Why don't you give me fist bump, man? Oh, shit. Give me the power glove hand. Give me the power glove. Yeah, you guys have DNA all over you now. No, he actually puts out some really funny content that I've seen online every now and then. That's why as soon as you walk in, I'm like,

Starting point is 00:36:13 I recognize you from somewhere and then I heard your voice. I'm like, that's right, that's right. You can't call your, it's hysterical, man. I enjoy it. I've showed your videos to many people. Fuck yeah, thank you so much. Fuck yeah, thank you. Incredible, how long have you lived in Austin now? many people. Fuck yeah. Thank you so much. Fuck yeah. Thank you. Incredible. How long have you lived in Austin now?

Starting point is 00:36:27 About a year, Tony. Do you love it? Yeah, fuck yeah. What do you do for fun in Austin, Texas? Um, I write a lot of content, and, uh, and that's pretty much it. Like, I write a lot of content. I hang out at home, and, uh, I review celebrity feet.

Starting point is 00:36:41 Like, I got a foot fetish, and I review celebrity feet for K-Rock. That's what I do on feet for K-Rock. That's what I do on the Love Line Radio show. I suck the shit out some toes, man. Oh, shit. That was the chance of a lifetime, everybody. Oh, my God.

Starting point is 00:37:01 Bro, you need to get a goddamn pedicure, brother. God damn. Bottoms of your feet are crusty as fuck dude. It does look lovely to me. Let me tell you something You're talking right now, but I promise you my feet are softer than most people's touch Damn, that's what the fuck I'm talking about Wow. Look at now. I need help putting on the sock You know what's up, dude Wow. Look at that. Now I need help putting on the sock. We're going to see how many audience members can die here tonight. So you review feet. I do, I review, you know who's got fucked up feet?

Starting point is 00:37:57 Who? Oprah. She got bunions. Her big toe looked like a turkey leg from a goddamn renaissance fair. Nasty! Oh my goodness. That is incredible. Can I ask for the honest review though?

Starting point is 00:38:11 I know the guy passed out, but that's besides the points. 7.5. Thank you. Wow! 7.5. That's right. I get a lot of pedis. Hell yeah.

Starting point is 00:38:22 I'm diabetic. I gotta take care of my feet. I love that. Iettys. Hell yeah. I'm diabetic, I gotta take care of my feet. I love that. I love that. Absolutely incredible. What else would we be surprised to know about you, Jason? You seem like a wild, eclectic character. Like there's so many things.

Starting point is 00:38:33 I bet you collect things. You have a bunch of stuff on your walls at home. Well Tony, I'm glad you asked. I could just see the fucking... I got a sock collection, all right? It is what it is. Really? Yeah.

Starting point is 00:38:47 Where do you get these socks from? OnlyFans. Yeah. Oh my God. Holy shit. Wow. Gotcha, bro. Oh my God.

Starting point is 00:38:55 Yep. Absolutely incredible. I'm a freak. I'm a freak. I'm a freak. I'm a freak. I'm a freak. I'm a freak.

Starting point is 00:39:03 I'm a freak. I'm a freak. I'm a freak. I'm a freak. I'm a freak. I'm a freak. Oh my God. Absolutely incredible. I'm a freak. Wow. Four more people just fainted in the audience for those of you keeping track. Jason, I gotta ask you, because we're finding out so much so fast,

Starting point is 00:39:23 indeed you are a freak. What do you think, if we had to go down, perhaps the top three freakiest things you've ever done in your entire life. People love this interview portion of the show. You know one of them. Yeah. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:39:38 When people hear this show, they love when people tell the truth in the interviews and find out real shit. I feel like you just put the sock in your mouth and shook your head. I feel like you're willing to fucking really go for it here. Now, I present to you the top three freakiest things Jason Vest has ever done in his life. Number three. I got my butthole fingered in a Waffle House bathroom by a big woman I met on Plenty of Fish.

Starting point is 00:40:06 Wow! So much to put together there. Waffle House. Plenty of fish. Butthole fingered. Absolutely incredible. Inserted. Double-dirted. Triple-skirted. Smothered. Inserted. Double-dirted. Triple-skirted.

Starting point is 00:40:26 Smothered. Covered. A Waffle House bathroom. Wow. Pick you in Mississippi. Pick you in Mississippi. Oh my God. Remind me to never go to Pick You Mississippi.

Starting point is 00:40:42 All right, here we go. Number two. Freakiest things Jason Vest has ever done. I paid a South Korean woman to shit on my chest at the Oriental Health and Massage in Jackson Michigan and later I'm not done yet. Jesus leave some time for the crowd to go wild Jason. Leave some space. Get these laughs. You deserve it. Okay, now get... And later I found out it was a 47-year-old Filipino man.

Starting point is 00:41:17 How did I know that this segment was going to work? This is incredible. This guy, like, had this ready. If you would have thought we prepared this like okay I'm gonna ask you that three freakiest things you've ever this segment is unbelievable. I got it here number way way way way way way way way way way way Hold those horses. I know he's already knocked one of your socks off Hold on I think the sock in the mouth is like somewhere like 93 I have yeah, honestly after after shitting on the chest...

Starting point is 00:41:46 I only have four questions about number two. Uh, so... You thought it was a Korean woman? And later ended up being a 47-year-old Filipino, man. I ran into him at Walmart. So was that... Wait. Hold on. You didn't find out that night

Starting point is 00:42:04 that it was a Korean woman? No, he ran into me at Walmart, wait, hold on, you didn't find out that night that it was a Korean woman? No, he ran into me at Walmart and he's like, bro, you don't remember me? And I'm like, no! What? What? This is too abs...

Starting point is 00:42:21 How did you know the age? Like were you guys buying the same medication or something at CVS or what? How did you know the age? Like were you guys buying the same medication or something at CVS? How did you know the age? What? You said 47. I could just tell by how he looked. He had the little wrinkles around the eyes. He was older than me.

Starting point is 00:42:34 I was 25 at the time. Oh my God. Wow. And you were in... He looked like an older man. He packed you out. My goodness. Okay.

Starting point is 00:42:42 So, but what type of shit was it? And this is what you were into at the time. Had you had that done before? Once before. Once before. It was not my first rodeo. Oh, it's definitely not. Nothing is your first rodeo. I feel like there's nothing that you haven't done.

Starting point is 00:42:58 There's no doubt about it. You probably have AIDS. And he probably paid for it. It's a cake. I hear what number one is. I got to hear what number one real quick. Real quick. I know I want to know number one, too. You have a question.

Starting point is 00:43:12 Oh, well, Matt Mueling only talks once every six and a half episodes. This should be exciting. Matt Mueling, I just did you not see the dude's junk when he was dumping on your chest? Fucking unbelievably great question. I have no idea how I missed that. Unbelievably great question. Yeah. Are you? Were you just imagining it not there?

Starting point is 00:43:36 Let's just say this. I'm seven years sober now. Ah, OK. Do you remember? Do you remember how the shit came out? Was it solid, loggy, wet, runny? I thought it was South Korean soft serve at the time. Yeah. Wow. But it turns out it was what?

Starting point is 00:43:54 Filipino pudding. Yeah. Okay, Red Band, there's your fart sound effect for the episode. And now, ladies and gentlemen, the number one freakiest thing that Jason Vest has ever done. I unintentionally gave a Mexican gentleman a foot job

Starting point is 00:44:15 to completion on a Greyhound bus en route to Biloxi, Mississippi. I'm not gonna lie, I thought that was the beginning of my story. And I'm like, no, that's another Mexican he got. Wow. How? Hey, so your review of my feat was real. That's all I want to know.

Starting point is 00:44:39 That's all I care about. It's like... 7.5. Thank you, bro. Thank you. Let's just... That's all I care about. It's like 7.5. Thank you, bro. Thank you. Let's just. You gotta take your wins when you can get them, people.

Starting point is 00:44:50 One second here. You said that you gave a. I love you have more. Oh, it's incredible. The wheels are turning right now. What makes it an unintentional foot job? And when you say foot job, that means you jerked them off with your feet and it was unintentional. How, yeah, this is very suspicious coming from you. You seem like a guy that would have a very intentional foot job if you wanted

Starting point is 00:45:20 to give one. Four loco, the before 2010 formula, back when that shit would fuck you up. The OGs know, he knows. So how, what was the angle of attack on this situation? You're sitting next to the guy, he's a ro- No, he's across the, like, across the little way thing, and I just reached my foot across, and that motherfucker looked at me dead in my eyes and sang Bon Jovi's Bed of Roses in broken English before he come down my face.

Starting point is 00:45:50 How did he come on your face? It was like it blasted me. I don't even know where to begin. It's like Mad Libs. I don't even know where to begin, but I'm telling you this, you're getting a big joke book. That's for sure. Fuck yeah! Thank you! I don't know what body part begin, but I'm telling you this you're getting a big joke book. That's for sure. Thank you!

Starting point is 00:46:06 I don't know what body part you're gonna shove this up, but I have a pretty decent idea. I always throw it. There he goes. The rare, the rare catch from a Jason Vest ladies and gentlemen. Wow. Welcome to Kill Tony Gabriel Iglesias. This is all real. That fucking... I mean, what can I even say? I know that everything he was saying was real.

Starting point is 00:46:36 It's not like stuff that, you know... He's not up here just trying to get any, like, cloud or nothing. You know what I'm saying? Definitely not. No. Watch his...his stuff is funny, but he never talked about stuff like that. Yeah, because I vouched for him at first, and then I'm like, oh god, he's getting shit on.

Starting point is 00:46:53 No, literally. Yeah. It's incredible. Incredible, the characters we find here on this show. Wow. And it could happen again right now. A one word name is your next bucket full. Make some noise for Trev, everybody.

Starting point is 00:47:07 60 seconds uninterrupted for Trev. Oh, what's up, Austin? Oh, no. I'm already cut off. All right. Man, I lost my virginity to a deaf girl and it caused this really weird fetish for me. I don't like deaf chicks but I am a sucker for that accent. It's okay, they can't hear us. I have this really scientific job.

Starting point is 00:47:45 I run these experiments. Recently I experimented with cocaine. I took a really small amount of it and turned it into a habit. You know, I also had this gig as a porn star for a while. I did these courtroom themed porno adult films. My stage name was Pro Bono, attorney at Raw. I was just going around introducing bitches to the penal system, you know, pounding that gavel. All right, cool. Okay, Trev. Oh yeah, started strong, kind of, you lost me there at the end. You said you were doing porn?

Starting point is 00:48:25 Yeah, yeah. Regular. I want porno. Where were you doing that at? Well, I mean, that was a lie. It was a joke. Okay. Okay. Is the cocaine thing true?

Starting point is 00:48:39 He probably has a job that he can lie about. What's that? I said he probably has a job where he can't be honest about the cocaine thing. He doesn't look like probably has a job where he can't be honest about the cocaine thing. He doesn't look like he has a job he could lose. It looks like he would get hired if they find out. Alright, he's willing to work overtime. This guy might get a raise if he does cocaine. What do you do for a living?

Starting point is 00:48:58 I work in high tech security. Oh wow. Okay. You can't blow while you're protecting something. Yeah, look at that. That's incredible. So, uh, okay. How long have you been on stand-up? Uh, I started in, uh, 2018, but I've only, you know, I didn't get serious until, like, 2021.

Starting point is 00:49:14 What made you get serious then? Uh, I had kids. I couldn't act anymore. I didn't have the time for that. You had kids? They passed away? No! How many kids do you have? Uh, two. Where are they at now? San Antonio, San Antonio with the baby mama. Yep. Okay. And you guys are separated? Yep. How long did that last? 11 years. You were

Starting point is 00:49:37 with her for 11 years. How old are the kids? 11 and 15. 11 and 15. Okay. So you were there for a while. Oh yeah. All right. Is she the deaf one? She wishes. Sorry bro. Why did end? What made the relationship end?

Starting point is 00:50:01 Oh man, that's complicated. Okay, you're on our... You're a dude, we're guys, what's up? Yeah, come on. You make it complicated if you're talking to- Fuck her. Yeah, I don't know. We just, you know, we got older.

Starting point is 00:50:13 We got together, you know, early 20s and then got older and realized, you know, fuck each other. Fuck each other. Okey dokey. Where are you originally from? I was born in Oklahoma, grew up in Colorado. Okay. All right. And what do you do for fun?

Starting point is 00:50:29 For fun? Comedy. What else other than comedy? Pretty much the only thing I ever do is just, I like to ride my one wheel. I go out, you know. Okay, now we figured it out. All right. We just found who could be the gayest person that's been on the show so far here today. Somehow you just destroyed Jason Vest as the gay comedian.

Starting point is 00:50:51 I go out on my one wheel. Is that a cool name for a fucking unicycle? You know, I go out on my one wheeler. You have a unicycle? No, it's like an electric skateboard. Uh-oh. You know one, Will. Come on. No, I don't do weird shit like that. It looks like a skateboard. It has a wheel and it has a bunch of lights around it.

Starting point is 00:51:11 I get it now. I get it now. So it's a fancy unicycle. Instead of pedaling, you have a remote control or something? No, just foot control. Wow. That seems like something... It's the one that they show those pit bulls on, riding on the beach, right? Yeah, okay. I know what you're talking about.

Starting point is 00:51:27 All right, how do you get into it? I do not get on those. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. You can get on a normal skateboard, it'll end up with one wheel. Grabbing it with my friend. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. You make one wheelers on a normal skateboard.

Starting point is 00:51:41 Ha ha ha ha ha ha. How do you end up getting into one wheeling, Trev? You had a friend that was doing it? I skateboarded as a teen in early 20s and then got, you know, dad bod. Couldn't skateboard anymore. Okay, what's your favorite thing to do with your kids? You got an 11 year old and a 15 year old.

Starting point is 00:51:57 What are they into? How do you maintain being a cool dad? You live here in Austin and they're in San Antonio? I live in San Antonio. Okay, so you see them a lot? Oh yeah. Like a lot a lot? Yeah.

Starting point is 00:52:09 Like every day? Every week, yeah. Okay. How do you entertain them? What makes you a cool dad? We do video games a lot. That's their main thing, yeah. Okay.

Starting point is 00:52:22 All right. What do you think is the most interesting thing about you? Maybe it's just because you're going up after Jason Vest, who is one of the freakiest motherfuckers we've ever had in the show's history. Yeah, I haven't been shit on him. But I gotta tell you, this interview is unbelievably boring compared to, well, I like comedy for hobbies. And I raise my kids.

Starting point is 00:52:39 We play video games. Come on, motherfucker. You're right. He had his chest shit on by not a woman, a Filipino man. 47. He found out at a Walmart. Finger up his butt at a Waffle House. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:52:52 Pick a two, Mississippi. Accidental foot job. Greyhound bus. You got anything like this up your sleeve? Oh, man, I mean, I hooked up on a Greyhound one time. Okay. Yeah. With just a woman?

Starting point is 00:53:09 Yeah, just a regular. Boring! Jesus, live your life buddy, my God. Let me ask you this, you've been separated from the baby mama for how long? Five years, six years. Five years. You've been dating a little bit? Oh yeah.

Starting point is 00:53:26 Okay, how do you do that? Do you just meet people? Are you on any of the apps or anything like that? I did apps for a while and then just kinda, nothing was happening there. Now you just roll out on the one wheeler and look at women in the eyes and just be like, what if I can catch along the way, yeah.

Starting point is 00:53:41 What a hop on. Psst. Like, what are your favorite hookup that you've had recently? How did that happen? Oh, man. Take us through the evening. I'm going to try to make you interesting here, Trav. The evening? This is a lot of heavy lifting.

Starting point is 00:53:57 I have another sock. That's how that last thing started. Jason was pretty normal until I freaking showed up with my freaking size 11 and a half. I was buying you some time, bro. The most recent was Laredo. I did comedy down there and actually killed a pretty good job, pretty good five minute set. And when I got off stage, the host was like,

Starting point is 00:54:25 somebody suck his dick tonight. Wow. So, and I was there for work with the hotel, so it worked out. Oh my goodness. Wow. And Jason Vest was on the show and looks like my work's just getting started. No, it was a crazy...

Starting point is 00:54:41 I'll suck your dick if you shit on my chest. Even tradesies. It was a Korean woman, I swear. Oh, that's what he thought too. Wait till you get to Walmart, bro. You're running into him then. Jason, I liked your set. Here's a big joke book. Fun times. Congratulations. Thank you, Tony. Or I mean, Trav. I just called him Jason. There goes Tra you, Tony. Or I mean, Trav. I just called him Jason.

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Starting point is 00:58:02 one of our regulars one of the best to ever be a regular on this show. Very, very hard job writing and performing a new minute every week on this show. Ladies and gentlemen, here he is to do it again. This is a brand new minute from the one and only, the great and powerful Cam Patterson. I don't even want to touch this microphone, nigga. We should just stop this show with Jason.

Starting point is 00:58:36 It's not going to get no better than that, nigga, dog. It made me angry how he started with, what's number three? I had a finger in my asshole. We should, he has to die. I think people like that should be murdered and put on a list somewhere, dawg. He scares me with my whole heart. There's no topping that nigga.

Starting point is 00:58:55 Oh. I know I got, I got a lot of shit about crackheads. All my dudes are mainly about crackheads. And it's funny to me because I was thinking about it the other day when I was real high and I was just like, man, it's fucked up. Cause most of y'all mainly about crackheads. And it's funny to me, because I was thinking about it the other day when I was real high, and I was just like, man, it's fucked up. Because mostly y'all deal with crackheads, and y'all see them on the street.

Starting point is 00:59:10 Y'all just walk by like they're not real people. But I had crackheads in my family. So crackheads had my phone number, you understand? That's a different type of relationship with a crackhead. Like y'all be like, I don't know you leave me alone, nigga. I'm like, what's up? I know you got cash, bitch, I need $5. I wanna buy crack today. It's insane.

Starting point is 00:59:32 That's it. There it go. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Did it again buddy, you did it again. Another minute. Oh shit. To see that in person man, that's freaking awesome. I've seen your clips before, you're very funny. But to just watch you come out and just, that's off the cuff. That was awesome. Thank you so much, I really appreciate it.

Starting point is 00:59:55 Thank you. The funniest thing I've seen all night. Thank you so much. The funniest thing I've seen all night. To be able to take that energy, make the callbacks to everything, acknowledge the room, your way, and then segue right into material. You see you were around a lot of crackheads, huh? Yeah, a lot.

Starting point is 01:00:10 Like, a lot. You know, it's funny, my uncle, he just passed away. He was a crackhead. He passed away. Is that the one that I met in Atlanta? Yes. Oh, yeah. Yes, you met, you know this crackhead.

Starting point is 01:00:20 We had a lot of fun. I actually loved that guy. I was, that was actually a taping I did that night. And in the green room, Cam decided to bring about, I don't know, about 43, 44 family members. Odds are. And somehow the one that I bonded with the most out of this unbelievably high amount of people was your crackhead uncle. He was so fun. He loves you, man. out of this unbelievably high amount of people was your crackhead uncle. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:00:47 He was so fun. He loves you, man. He loved me. He loved, it was funny. You remember that? No longer with us. What? I said I said love.

Starting point is 01:00:55 I said love. You said he loves you. He do love you. He's still here somewhere. He's still there, yeah. He's still, he's looking up at us right now. Oh, he look, what? No. He looking down like this. Life is good. Yeah, he's still, he's looking up at us right now. Oh, he look, what, no.

Starting point is 01:01:06 He looking down like this. Life is good. The good crack is in hell, buddy. The good crack is in hell. I don't know, maybe not. What if the good crack in heaven, who knows? I think heaven's more of like a heroin place. Just more relaxed.

Starting point is 01:01:22 I picture crack. D Madness is reacting to this. He's a real musician who's probably done heroin and crack today, probably when you just went backstage. Real musician can jam with anybody. What would be a crackhead heaven? Crackhead, oh, I don't know. Like an unlocked liquor store at night?

Starting point is 01:01:39 Yeah. Oh. Oh. Yeah, just a bunch of unlocked cars and shit like that. Hell yeah. Hell yeah. Just a bunch of unlocked everything. Yeah, really. Just go in anywhere.

Starting point is 01:01:54 It's like a video game, like Sim City or something like that. But he was the funniest nigga ever, dog. I remember when I first started on stand up, he came back and was standing with my dad and shit. And I told him, I said, you want to come down to town with me? And like, you know what I'm saying? Like just watch some shows. He said, where your shows at again?

Starting point is 01:02:10 I said, they down town. He said, I can't do that, nigga. If I go to you down town, you're going to be doing your little funny shit. And I'm going to look back and be like, well, okay, I'm going to be smoking crack somewhere. So I really can't go with you. But he, I loved it.

Starting point is 01:02:22 He was great. That wasn't as fun as I thought it was going to be, but that's fine. And that's okay. Sometimes it don't go with you. But I loved it. It was great. That wasn't as fun as I thought it was gonna be, but that's fine. And that's okay. Sometimes it don't hit that well. Yeah. Well, you did the cross-eyes to us. I mean, I couldn't... You faced us when you did the cross-eyes. Yeah. Okay.

Starting point is 01:02:34 There you go. See, you gotta do it to them. That's the trick. Yeah. Play it forward. You can't make the funny faces to us. I wanted y'all to see me be retarded for a second. That was fun. It was good, man. This guy look aggravated. What's wrong with you, dickhead? You can't make the funny faces to us. I wanted y'all to see me be retarded for a second. That was fun. It was good, man.

Starting point is 01:02:47 This guy look aggravated. What's wrong with you, dickhead? Pfft. I'm tired of this nigga, man. This lumberjack Texas fellow. I cannot relate to any of this crackhead material. I know no crackheads in my life, none. I can't do a white accent.

Starting point is 01:03:03 I realize that. Wait, yeah, you really can. I can't do a white accent, I realize that. Wait, wait, yeah, you really can. I can't. I ain't not be knowin'. What the hell was that? I don't know no crackheads, nigga. That's my... What the fuck was that? Cam Patterson.

Starting point is 01:03:13 Cam Patterson playing a white guy. Oh my God. Absolutely incredible. We've never learned this about you before, that you cannot do a white accent. You can't do a white accent. You can't do a white accent. You can't do a white accent. You can't do a white accent.

Starting point is 01:03:21 You can't do a white accent. You can't do a white accent. You can't do a white accent. You can't do a white accent. You can't do a white accent. You can't do a white accent. You can't do a white accent. You can't do a white accent. Oh my god. Absolutely incredible. We've never learned this about you before, that you cannot do a white impression. Wow. I can't do one impression. Yeah, what is it?

Starting point is 01:03:35 It's a, you know, you ever seen Chowder? Chowder? Yeah. Like, clam? Yeah, clam. Nah, it's an old cartoon show, and there was a dude under his name, Schnitzel, but he don't talk. All he said,

Starting point is 01:03:49 Rada, rada, rada, rada, rada, rada, rada, rada, rada. That's all like, and he was black, but that's all he said though. Wow. Look at him, that's all he said, Rada, rada, rada, rada, rada, rada, rada, rada, rada. I believe you. And he was black though, he was black.

Starting point is 01:04:01 No, I believe that for sure. Ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha. Wow, he was black. I believe that for sure. Wow, what was that on? Cartoon Network. Okay. Hell yeah. She was fire af with it, I liked it a lot. It's just a black cartoon.

Starting point is 01:04:15 No, it was a white, it was for everybody. They just had one black character? I mean, they was all like fictional niggas, they was like, you feel me? Like... That's in the description, by the way. Yeah. Wow. Did you hit the guide?

Starting point is 01:04:28 That's exactly what it said on the guide. Even I knew that. Absolutely incredible. Wow. Well, Cam, so much fun. You fucking did it again. Another monster performance. Another new minute from Cam Patterson,

Starting point is 01:04:47 ladies and gentlemen. Business is booming, we're flying through it here tonight. Your next bucket poll, ladies and gentlemen. Ooh. The great Heidi, gracing us with her amazing presence yet again. Ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket poll goes by the name of Eddie Lurssa. Make some noise for Eddie Lurssa, everybody.

Starting point is 01:05:18 Thank you. I got my Uber on the way here and it was a lady driver, so, you know, I buckled up. Not just because she was a woman. I'm not a sexist. She was also Asian. Not that Asian people can't drive. They can, and that's the problem. Uh... Relax, relax. I'm kidding. It wasn't an Asian woman.

Starting point is 01:05:43 It might have been an Asian man. I couldn't tell. No, I did not hate Ubers though. I fucking hate Ubers. My worst Uber driver ever made me walk two blocks in the rain to get to the car, loudly fought the entire ride with someone named Shut the Fuck Up Bitch. I ran multiple red lights, almost hit a person. Then this dude had tattoos up to his neck and three teardrops under his eyes. I was like, I'm gonna go get a tattoo. I was like, I'm gonna go get a tattoo.

Starting point is 01:06:04 I was like, I'm gonna go get a tattoo. I was ran multiple red lights, almost hit a person. Then this dude had tattoos up to his neck and three teardrops under his eyeball. Five stars, because that guy knows where I live. 25% tip, thank you for the service. I actually found out when I wanted to leave one star, I started getting dropped off down the street at my bitchy neighbor's house

Starting point is 01:06:27 because she's kind of got it coming. All right, that's my time. Thank you. I'm Eddie Lursa. Eddie Lursa. A lot of Uber material there. Here we go. Welcome.

Starting point is 01:06:38 Is this your first time on the show? No, third time. Okay. All right. Welcome back, Eddie. How long have you been doing standup? Almost two years now. Two years years all of it here in Austin Yeah, I started in West Palm, Florida, but I wasn't there very long. I moved here like six months in is that what you're originally from?

Starting point is 01:06:53 West Palm, Florida. No, I'm originally from Virginia. I lived in Florida for six years before I moved here. Okay What do you do for work? Barton. All right, you still do that? Yeah. Barton. I produce a lot of shows in town. I, you know, anything I can, but bartending is my main money right now. How often do you perform? As much as I can. I mean, ballpark it.

Starting point is 01:07:16 Five spots a week. Okay. And what do you do for fun? For fun? I mean, out here mostly stand up. I like writing. I used to write fiction a lot. Back in my early 20s I had a little like self-publishing company in DC.

Starting point is 01:07:29 I wrote a bunch of short stories, a couple of self-published novels. That was like my main, I've written since I was a little kid. I've always loved writing. How about when you're not writing or doing stand-up? Is there anything you like to do that's a little bit more fun? I like to snowboard. I haven't been in a long time. I used to live in Colorado. I used to go snowboarding a lot. You ever snow one wheel? Never snow one wheel.

Starting point is 01:07:56 All right, Eddie. You have any pets? Yeah, I have one dog. OK, what's his name? White Claw. Why did you name your dog White Claw? Gay dog, huh? Yeah.

Starting point is 01:08:06 One note Red Band over here. It's a gay this, a gay that. Gay gay gay gay gay. Part noise, part noise. Gay. Alright, why is it called White Claw? Uh, cause he's all black, one white claw, and I was drinking white claws heavily at the time when I got him.

Starting point is 01:08:22 Oh, wow. A coincidence, yeah, right? When you're doing a full set, now what's the longest amount of time you spent on stage? On stage, 15, 16 minutes. It's the longest that I've done. 15 minutes, that is the longest set? Okay.

Starting point is 01:08:35 When you're doing a full 15 minute set, what is your opening usually like? My opening? Like when you're coming out, you know you're gonna do a full set. Cause usually like right now, I feel like you came out and you're only given a minute so you jump right into it versus giving the people a split second to try to understand where you're coming from Jason didn't have to explain

Starting point is 01:08:53 himself when he came out yeah you knew some shit was gonna go down when he came out because everything about him told you that yeah you on the other hand look very very normal like you said you're a bartender like I totally believe it I see it but you only had a minute to perform. So what is your normal opening? That's a great question I'd love to know like let's say you were going a 15 minute set. What is sure? What is the first like 30 seconds look like deal? I mean you want me to do it. I have like there's no Yeah, yeah, let's do it is opening bit. Let's pretend like I just brought you up ladies and gentlemen This is him doing a 15 minuteminute set, but not really.

Starting point is 01:09:27 Make some noise for Eddie Lursa. Make some noise for Eddie, everybody. Thank you. Thank you. Happy to be here. It's the New Year. Trump just got inaugurated on Monday. You know, some people are happy about it. Some aren't. I didn't vote for Trump, even though I look like this.

Starting point is 01:09:45 I love with you. But I also didn't vote for Kamala. I didn't vote. And some people feel a certain type of way about that. I stand by my decision and I'll tell you why. I didn't vote because I am a felon. This is perfect. Where my felons at?

Starting point is 01:10:07 Not only did that answer our question, how you open a set, but that also brings me to the most interesting part of the interview. That was fantastic. How are you a felon? Assaulting police officers. Oh, okay. I'm guessing this was in Florida,

Starting point is 01:10:24 because that shit don't fly out here. This was in Virginia. Oh, okay. Towards the end of my time, I was in college for six months. I assaulted police officers and I wasn't in college anymore after that. What provoked that, dude?

Starting point is 01:10:37 Yeah, how did you know? You looked like you could get away with something already, so why would you not go with the flow? It was a long, I was eating acid heavily at the time. Oh I thought you were just... I thought he said acid. Yeah me too. He's just like Jason. Here we go. Was it at a Waffle House? Yeah. All right. Actually sorry. I did go to a Waffle House immediately upon getting out of jail. Hell yeah, that's where everyone goes.

Starting point is 01:11:06 It was great. No, I was in college and I ate acid one time for like two months straight and I lost my mind. I drank a bunch of Everclear jungle juice and there was a cop in my dorm when I got back and I didn't like that I guess. I don't really remember exactly how it happened but... What did the report say? Oh it was a 15 page police report. We were together for hours. I busted.

Starting point is 01:11:34 I thought when they finally got me to the police car... I remember telling the cop that when he had me on an ankle cuffs and my hands back that that's how I had his wife on the ground and just being as disrespectful as possible. When he got me in the car, I thought that if I went to jail, then I, or if I went to the hospital, I wouldn't have to go to jail. So I got this scar because I busted my head open

Starting point is 01:11:56 on the plexiglass between the front and the back of the police car. Then then went to the hospital, caught a felony at the hospital and had to go to jail. Wow. Yeah, that was just pages, like, one through three. I don't know how many of these. Absolutely incredible.

Starting point is 01:12:13 You need to talk more about stuff like this, dude. That's a lot funnier than your whatever you did at the... I have. Yeah. That whole, "'Cause I look like this," and you should follow it up with, and I didn't vote for Kamala either, "'Cause I look like this,' "'Cause, you know with an item vote for Kamala either because I look like this

Starting point is 01:12:25 Because you know at first glance, we're always insured You're really funny you just needed an opportunity to get comfortable in front of the audience That's what I noticed like okay something tells me there's more there's more than just that minute So I'm glad we gave you that chance to do that for sure sure. Eddie Larsa, ladies and gentlemen, we're going to keep flying through. You already have a joke book, right? There he goes. Eddie Larsa. Third or fourth time on the show. We bet you didn't know our new trains panoramic windows are ideal for contemplating whether texting them back so soon was the best decision.

Starting point is 01:13:04 Get on board. Via Rail, love the way. What's up, Spotify? This is Javi. I remember this one time we were on tour. We didn't have any guitar picks and we didn't have time to go to the store, so we placed an order on Prime

Starting point is 01:13:17 and it got there the next day ready for the show. Whatever you're into, it's on Prime. Your next comedian goes by the name of Michael Scott. 60 seconds uninterrupted for Michael Scott, everybody. Make some noise for Michael Scott. You guys look like you fuck with rap music, right? Yeah. Cool crowd, okay. You guys remember rapper Mystical?

Starting point is 01:13:53 Shake your ass. Watch yourselves. Show me what you're working with. That guy, Mystical? Mystical was my favorite rapper when I was a kid. It wasn't for the bars, because he wasn't great. It was more the fact that I found out he was a combat engineer during the Gulf War. Mystical was a fucking minesweeper.

Starting point is 01:14:14 I liked to play this game where I imagined Mystical out there leading his troops during the Gulf War while preparing for his future rap career. You guys, hey guys, hang back real quick. I gotta make sure it's clear. Is the mind sweeper. Doot doot doot. Doot doot doot.

Starting point is 01:14:35 Danger! Watch your foos. Get on the floor. All right. All right, that's all I got. Michael Scott, doing good. Doing good with some super topical, mystical material. At the height of his career, right?

Starting point is 01:14:54 Some references from, I think 22 years ago or so. He got accused of rape recently, so it's back in the news. Okay, I guess so. Again. Yeah, but you're not talking about that. You're talking about the lyrics in the news. Okay, I guess so. Again! Yeah, but you're not talking about that. You're talking about the lyrics to the songs. Yeah, I guess.

Starting point is 01:15:09 That's what got me thinking. Michael, how long you been doing stand-up? Eight years. Eight years. Where at? California, Bakersfield I started. I'm from Fresno, I started in Bakersfield. Nice, and you live here now?

Starting point is 01:15:23 Yes, for a year, December 30th, yeah yeah. Okay where in Fresno did you get to perform when you said you started in Fresno? I started I lived in Fresno I started comedy in Bakersfield. Okay 661 whereabouts in Bakersfield? The Well Comedy Club they're gonna love that. They're gonna love that. Daniel Betz. Is that the one where it's like a little cube that you stand on not a stage It's like a box. I once performed in Bakersfield on a box You don't forget gigs like that where by chance now I remember it was like, you know, you drove a few hours It was like a couple hundred bucks

Starting point is 01:16:00 This is 15 fucking years ago or whatever and I got there and you had to like it was like high enough to wear you literally there wasn't like a staircase or anything you had to like Body yourself up and like throw a leg over and like hey, what's up everybody? Just like be confident and cool after that. I never forget having to put you wouldn't have had a fucking chance at this You would have been like, oh, I guess I'm standing next to a box for this performance. It was so fucking weird. It was like four and a half feet up in the air, crawling up this fucking... All right.

Starting point is 01:16:36 So grew up in Fresno. First time performing was in Bakersfield and then you went to Los Angeles. Yeah. My parents lived there in LA. Yeah. What brought you out to Texas? I was dating a girl. She got a transfer for a job. We moved out of here. We broke up and then yeah, no. How long were you able to make it last? Jesus, this bitch from

Starting point is 01:16:59 Dallas is losing her mind slowly throughout the show becoming more and more annoying. Why did you gasp like that, lady? Yeah. It's okay, you can answer. You wanna make noises during the show. These are the repercussions. Why are you making noises about them breaking up? Everybody moving to Dallas.

Starting point is 01:17:19 I don't live in Dallas. Nobody's moving to Dallas. Literally, nobody wants to move where you live. Nobody. Even the people that have to for work don't want to move there. I like Dallas, but nobody's moving there. So control yourself, or else you're gonna get embarrassed

Starting point is 01:17:38 again like it just happened. All right, let's go back to you. Yes. So how long were you able to make that relationship work in Austin? Uh, eight months. Eight months. Okay, where do you think it went wrong? Is this a white girl?

Starting point is 01:17:54 Yeah. Goddamn it, I knew it. How did you know? You want to know how I know? You know how Cam couldn't do an impression of a white person? I don't think Michael can do an impression of a black person. I'm a white guy that was raised in an all-black neighborhood. I have a good ear and eye for these things.

Starting point is 01:18:16 Michael Scott. We did this the last time I was on. Oh, we did? This makes sense. I'd imagine so. Yeah, yeah. Like, if you close your eyes sense. I'd imagine so. Yeah, yeah. Like, if you close your eyes, he's a white guy. Everybody close your eyes. Michael, say some nice things. Thank you for calling customer support. And he hasn't said the N word once.

Starting point is 01:18:41 No, no. If you remember from my last set, I don't say the N word, I say ne'er do well. Okay, no one remembers your last set. Pretend like that never happened. How long ago was that? Sam Talent, episode 668. I remember. Okay, so that's about a year ago. July, end of July.

Starting point is 01:19:00 End of July. Okay, fine. Yeah, like a couple months ago. Wow. I lost D Madness, holy shit. All right. Oh, John D is giving you permission to say the N word. He wants to hear you say it. My nigga, what's up?

Starting point is 01:19:14 Whoa! Shit, I guess I'm allowed to say it now too. Oh, I didn't, I didn't. Oh my God. Oh. Oh. All right. Oh my God. I'm stiff. All right. Oh. All right. Oh my God.

Starting point is 01:19:26 I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Michael, what do you think is the blackest thing about you? You, all right.

Starting point is 01:19:39 We did this last time. Okay. Yeah. Hmm. A woman out there just yelled to dance. Can you do dance like a black guy? No. Let's see this.

Starting point is 01:19:48 Give me some music here. Come on. Play some mystical guys. I have a bad knee. I swear to God I can't. I swear to God I have a bad knee. I can't dance right now. I swear to God.

Starting point is 01:19:57 I tore my Achilles tendon. All right. All right. Please. Come on. Hey. Hey. There's the lighting change. They want you to say, danger. Oh, shit. White guy.

Starting point is 01:20:06 Go white guy. Go white guy. Hey. What do you want? Welcome to white dance party. It's the Carlton Kirk one. Oh, all right. My grandma is going to kill me.

Starting point is 01:20:14 You let you dance for those white people? That's what she's doing. I bet that's exactly what you're doing. You're going to kill me. You're going to kill me. You're going to kill me. You're going to kill me. You're going to kill me.

Starting point is 01:20:22 You're going to kill me. You're going to kill me. You're going to kill me. You're going to kill me. You're going to kill me. You're going to kill God. My grandma is gonna kill me. You let you dance for those white people? That's what she's. I bet that's exactly what she sounds like too. What in the world would put you in that conundrum to where the white people are asking you to dance for them? My dear sweet Michael Scott.

Starting point is 01:20:40 Your name is whiter than anything about you by the way. My mom was gonna name me Jerick, actually. Wow. Not Jared, not Derek, but Jerick. So I'm Michael Scott II. My dad is Michael Scott. Wow. Yeah. Jerick.

Starting point is 01:20:57 Jerick. Should be named Donald, because you dodged a bullet there. My middle name is Don-El. And he danced like Donald Trump. He did kind of dance like Donald Trump. We know who he voted for. He's like, I can totally dance like a black guy. Oh, Michael, I love it.

Starting point is 01:21:19 So did this white girl break your heart here? Yeah. Yeah, she did. Explain to us kind of how it happened. That's right. That's what triggered this whole thing. It's the white girl break your heart here? Yeah. Yeah, she did. Explain to us kind of how it's right. That's what triggered this whole thing. Yeah. The white girl. Yeah. Oh, man. You guys are. You guys are really trying to kill me. No, man. We're just trying. Made me dance on my bad leg. Alright, let's do this. Um. Wow. Yeah, you guys actually know her.

Starting point is 01:21:39 You dated a comic? Michael, can you answer the questions? I don't know. Okay, go ahead. We know a lot of people. You dated a comic? I'm working, yeah. Wow. Oh, she's a comedian. Yeah. Okay, it doesn't matter.

Starting point is 01:21:51 Can you tell us how she broke your heart? If you will stop talking. Lindsay Tyree. This is an unbelievable interview, Michael. It's ridiculous. We talked about this last time. We talked about this, like, fucking, stick to the questions here.

Starting point is 01:22:04 You're on my show. Yes Okay, how did she break your heart? She started dating a another comic started talking to another comic while we were dating Told me they were friends and then did they do a little writing together? No, oh god, are we gonna start doing comic puns? She's segwayed her vagina onto his microphone. She opened her mic. She opened her mic.

Starting point is 01:22:32 How recent was this? Sorry if we're shooting on you right now. How recently was this? Eight month, February, so almost here. Valentine's Day. You still feeling it or you over it? Eighth. I remember, it was the eighth still feel it or you over it? Eighth. I remember, it was the eighth.

Starting point is 01:22:46 And it was on the way to Kill Tony. We broke up in the car, about to get out the car to go to Poor Choices for the mic. Wow. And did you continue to stay in Poor Choices that evening? Oh, yeah. Did you leave? Honestly, yeah, I did sign up that night,

Starting point is 01:23:08 and I still stayed, and I stuck around the night. And she signed up and stayed? So you guys are kind of, like, at the bar, just, like, looking at each other, like, pah. Yeah. And you still run into her, huh? Yeah. No, uh, we're actually really cool now. Like, it's funny, it's like, we're cool as shit now.

Starting point is 01:23:24 Is she still with that other comedian guy? Yeah. Yeah. And they seem happy together? Well, we're actually really cool now. Like, it's funny, it's like, we're cool as shit now. Is she still with that other comedian guy? Yeah. Yeah, and they seem happy together? Yeah, dude, we hang out all the time. Is he a black guy? No. Wow.

Starting point is 01:23:35 Could not be the opposite. It could not be more opposite. Isn't that amazing? Once you go black, you never go back. But if you go Michael Scott... You can go anywhere. You'll try a lot. I just want somebody that can dance.

Starting point is 01:23:55 How'd you hurt your knee? MMA. Wow, look at that. He can fight, dude. Careful. Yeah, this is incredible. Before I did comedy, I was a fighter for a while. For a good while. Oh my goodness. I see him spinning quick. Yeah. What kind of fighting were you doing? Jiu-Jitsu was my specialty. Purple belt. Yeah. But yeah, I love kickboxing. I love to kick.

Starting point is 01:24:27 Yeah, I just, I keep breaking. I'm fragile, I keep breaking. Wow. What was your record? Two and two. Two and two. Two and two. Two and two, I started off great

Starting point is 01:24:39 and I had a habit of taking fights on short notice. Every promoter knew they could just call me straight off the couch. Old John Broken Bones Jones over here. That's fucking solid. Yeah, yeah. So I never went pro. I was an amateur.

Starting point is 01:24:59 Amateurs don't get paid, but if you're willing to take on anybody, like you get paid a little bit under the table. So I would get like... Timely. So you made a little bit of side cash there. Yeah, so I'd make $400 a fight. Promoters knew they could call me, but I took my...

Starting point is 01:25:17 I started off 2-0 and then I took my last two fights. Six days notice and then eight days notice and I got my... I just cannot, for the life of me picture this. Like would you do your walkout with like the gloves and your glasses still on? You hand them to your coach right as you get in the octagon. Really?

Starting point is 01:25:37 Yes. You walked out with your, you would be four and oh right now if your opponent didn't see you walk out with glasses. If I could get hit in the eyes and my contacts wouldn't fall out, I would, yes, I would be on the field. You fought with contacts then? I did that one time and then I got hit and it went, I felt it, I felt it under here and then yeah. So what I would do, I never would fight with him, I just hand it over to my coach and then I have him lead me to the cage.

Starting point is 01:26:06 Your eyes don't seem that bad with those glasses on by the way though. Your eyes don't seem that bad with those glasses on. I still think Deep Madness would beat the shit out of you right now. Were your medical bills ever more than what you got paid? Always. The thing is is amateurs don't get paid. As with anything, anytime you're starting off you're always like, yeah. Always. The thing is, amateurs don't get paid. Anytime you're starting off, you're always like, yeah.

Starting point is 01:26:29 Like when he had to get on that box. Yeah, exactly. And I basically paid the same amount for gas to get me there and back. And you'd be paying for your medicals, just to be licensed in California is like, back then it was like, I think it was like 400 bucks or so, or yeah, it's like you're paying out of pocket to get your ass kicked. And then if you have broken bones, you're paying for that too.

Starting point is 01:26:52 That's just how it was. So I never got, I never went pro, it was just, yeah. It sucks. What are your future goals, Michael, other than standard comedy? I work at Hotel Ella. I don't know if you guys ever heard of it. It's a hotel here in Austin. It's a little boutique hotel I'm a valet 35. Yeah right off of 30. Is that connected to that new sushi joint? No There's a new all-you-can-eat sushi joint. That's all machi sushi unbelievable. Yeah, that's not that hotel. Okay

Starting point is 01:27:24 No, oh, yeah Oh, Machi Sushi. Unbelievable. Yeah. That's not that hotel? No. OK. How do I know? No. Oh, yeah. Dude, you're about to be in love. I've gone like three times in the past two weeks. It's brand new. It's rare enough to have a food convo. This is funny, man.

Starting point is 01:27:34 They have a full-size transformer out front, too, for you to like stare at when you're digesting afterwards. Which transformer? Bumblebee or something? It is. It's Bumblebee. Oh, you've been there. Oh.

Starting point is 01:27:44 A man known for his heavy protein intake. Big Mike, Michael Gonzalez has been there. Bumblebee's a Volkswagen. All right. Well, Michael, congratulations. You already have a joke book? Uh, yes, a big one. There he goes. Michael Scott, everybody. We're flying through it.

Starting point is 01:27:59 Damn, that was a long interview. Yeah. We're getting to know a lot about these people tonight. Big Simmons. You didn't know you had a fighter here. He did not look like a fighter. I feel bad for some of the jokes. I'm like, woo, he's going to catch me in the back.

Starting point is 01:28:14 That is one of those wild situations where you never know who you're talking shit to. Notice I got a lot nicer after he said he's a amateur fighter. Purple belt. Normally, if you see a black guy with a purple belt, he's a pimp. All right. That's a joke I was going to do earlier, but the time passed, but I got it out. That's good. All right. Your next bucket pull goes by the name of Yale Riemes. Yale Riames, perhaps.

Starting point is 01:28:43 Yale. Thank you. I've been getting into a lot of arguments recently, most recently with my girlfriend. She snatches food off of my plate all the time and her excuse is always, oh come on, there's no yours or mine, it's all ours. I'm like, well if that's how you feel, why do you get so upset when I try to put a thumb in our butthole? I also got into it with a friend of mine. I thought she was telling me a joke.

Starting point is 01:29:21 She told me that her cat had feline AIDS. I didn't think it was real. So my first thing that I said was like, I didn't even know your cat was a slut and She goes that's not how they get it. That's not how they get it. I was like, what do you get it from sharing needles? What are you talking about? She was upset, but she shouldn't have named her cat Meow-Jik Johnson, so She was upset, but she shouldn't have named her cat Meowgic Johnson, so... Wow! Oh, the timing on that! The timing on that!

Starting point is 01:29:54 In amazing minute! It's like the meow was the punchline at the end of that! That was perfect! That was magical! That was so perfect, dude! This is your first time on the show, right? Yes, yes it is. Welcome, Yale, how do you say that last name?

Starting point is 01:30:08 Reams. Reams, welcome, welcome. How long you been doing standup? About four years now. Where at? I actually just moved down from Columbus a couple weeks ago. Beautiful, congratulations. You do the funny bun up there?

Starting point is 01:30:21 No, they don't let me in there. It's the thumb joke. I know the owner, he don't like jokes like that. Anyway, yeah, I thought that was funny, man. That was hysterical. Thank you. Thank you very much. Why didn't they let you into the funny bone?

Starting point is 01:30:33 They let me in for like the competitions. They do like the new comics competitions and stuff like that. He kind of books that. They pass you and then they book one person every 12 months to host. So it's just, it's too many people, not enough spots. Exactly. A lot of these big cities, a lot of cool big cities like Columbus just simply don't have a real scene.

Starting point is 01:30:56 So how long have you been here? Moved down here in December. The fuck was so funny about that? There's some cool big cities that don't have a real comedy scene Columbus Admittedly where we live like if you want to make money open up a comedy club in Columbus because there's only one really yeah I mean my hometown club there was They had the new one called the attic and that one was like struggling for a while, but they're finally turning it around

Starting point is 01:31:23 Yeah, okay. How long have you been here? December, I moved down in December. Nice, you love it already? Yeah, it's fun. I love the fact that I can do a shitload of sets, even if they're shitty open mics. I love that I can do a bunch of sets in a night.

Starting point is 01:31:37 Well, I'm sure people are recognizing how funny you are very quickly. How much material do you think you have that's as good as that minute? I could probably do 15 to 20. Nice. Have you done that length of a set before? Yeah.

Starting point is 01:31:49 Okay. Awesome. Uh, what do you do for work? Nothing right now. I'm on the job hunt. What did you do in Columbus? Uh, I used to work for an engineering firm. I used to do construction.

Starting point is 01:32:02 Um, I sent well paying stuff. Yeah, that's not like I... There's a reason I don't work for them anymore. They realized their mistake after a year, and they were like, oh, this was a bad idea. You clearly have some stuff you need to get off your chest, brother. You know? Hey.

Starting point is 01:32:18 Were you able to save some money from those jobs? How are you surviving? I have a rich girlfriend. Oh okay look at this. God bless America. What does she do for work? Engineer. She's a real engineer? A real engineer. Oh my goodness gracious. Does she have glasses like yours? No I think they're... I mean she has glasses. You can't even see, you can't even tell. You've never looked at her eyes before. How long have you been with her? About four years now. And she moved here with you? Yes. So if everything goes on pace, if everyone's girlfriend leaves them

Starting point is 01:33:02 after eight months here, so you have about six months left with her what are you gonna do for work then motherfucker fucking door dash I love it and you love her yeah sex life is active yeah sounds like it hold on you missed it there was a soft sure that happened right there no I got fat as shit. I gained about 50 pounds. So okay. Did she end to it? Is she like I like a bear now She's into it. I just end up saying I'm sorry a lot and okay Because what happened when you got fat you kind of like you like to be on bottom more I don't want to fuck anymore. Really explain to us what that's like We've never really had this conversation with a guy.'s a gold digger that went from skinny to bigger. We've never really gotten

Starting point is 01:33:51 to have this before. When women are gold diggers, they have to stay in shape. Yeah, no. I went from gold digger to golden corral. There you go. No, I just, I gained, we both got too lazy and happy and we both got fat. Oh, she got fat too? Yeah. Oh, you're in great shape then. Yeah, we're fine, we're fine. As long as the woman who you're using for money also gained weight, then you're even Stevens.

Starting point is 01:34:17 The only person who loses here is your mattress. So what do you think contributed to you and your girl both getting big? I don't know. I think love just looks a lot like giving up. I don't know. I don't. When did you notice that you were having problems in the bedroom? Was it immediate?

Starting point is 01:34:39 Was it a slow burn? Is there anything that you're doing to overcompensate? Are you having trouble getting a rec? Because I will tell you, we are sponsored by Bluechew. We can make you hard as a rock. Try your first month of Bluechew free. Visit bluechew.com for more details and important safety information.

Starting point is 01:34:59 I love Bluechew. We know. We know you do, Red Band. Red Band does it just to have something to snack on sometimes. This episode is also brought to you by Shopify and Talkspace. I forgot to say that earlier. I was actually supposed to say that. Is there anything that you're doing to help the situation? Are you eating as much pussy as you are fast food? I eat way more pussy than I do fuck.

Starting point is 01:35:23 Okay. Tell us about that. Tell us about your process there. as much pussy as you are fast food. I eat way more pussy than I do fuck. Absolutely, yeah. Tell us about that. Tell us about your process there. Is there anything that you do? Is there anything that you've learned? Is there an evolution to your pussy eating? Or do you eat pussy the same way you did the first time you ate it?

Starting point is 01:35:39 No, because every pussy is different. OK, well, I thought you were only with one woman here. You might need to literally start looking for a job. I thought you meant the first time ever. Okay, right, yes. So, tell us about your evolution of pussy eating as you've gotten fatter. I, like, I...

Starting point is 01:35:59 Why did you look at me when you said that? Motherfucker. Hey, can I order a drink since we're talking about freaking eating pussy here? Another tequila for my dear friend. Yeah, please. Thank you. I feel you've run all these questions. By the way, you asked me to be on the show. Can I get some of that medication too?

Starting point is 01:36:19 You want some? What is this? A nicotine pouch? No, not the nicotine. From our friends over at Nick, NYKD? I don't have a problem with cigarettes, man. What's that other... the pill. Where's the pill? Oh, blue chew. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:36:31 Oh, we don't actually have any on us. We were reading off of the... Never mind. I love the party, though. Can I have a tequila and an erection, please? No. Hey. I got plans after this.

Starting point is 01:36:45 I got your back road, I'm worried. I love it. So again, tell us how you eat pussy. Let's hear about it. Let's get the spotlight on him and take us through it. I bet he's awesome. I just don't eat it laying down on the bed anymore. I sit down off the side of the bed because it's easier. Wow. You are just taking the side of the bed because it's easier. Wow! You are

Starting point is 01:37:05 just taking the shortcut in every single way. Okay, now the light is on you. Show us how you eat, pussy. Look directly out into the audience. Oh wow. Guys, what does pussy eating music sound like? Yeah, can we get some pussy eating? Can we get a little diddly there? Oh, he's already exhausted, ladies and gentlemen. We're going through the process here. Okay, her thighs are over your shoulders right now. You're doing the hard lean. It must not smell bad for you to stay in the mix like that.

Starting point is 01:37:39 All right, this is it right here. All right, this is it right here. There you go. Oh, God. Hell yeah. Oh, my goodness. He's doing the dolphin, the dolphin move. Wow.

Starting point is 01:38:11 He ate her pussy and her ash. Ha ha ha ha ha. He ate her ash up. Ha ha ha ha ha. Kiltoni ashtray. That was incredible. What's the longest you think you've ever eaten your girlfriend's pussy?

Starting point is 01:38:25 It's just torture. Oh, God. Oh, look out. My Latino horn players have heard pussy eating enough times. They're jamming over there. They can only hear the word pussy eating 10 times before they just start soloing out over there. Playing some romantic ass shit.

Starting point is 01:38:52 Oh, he's getting, it's getting louder and more powerful. Ha ha ha ha. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow.

Starting point is 01:39:03 Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Fuck yeah, Carlos Sosa, Fernando Castillo, and Raul Vallejo. Alright, alright. Yale, tell us something else crazy about your life, or that we would be interested to know about you. Any fun facts about Yale Reams? You have a great name.

Starting point is 01:39:28 Very original fucking name. We had a Michael Scott before you. There's like a billion Michael Scots. There's only gotta be one Yale Reams. I was named after a guy that died who was named after a pro football hall of famer, NFL hall of famer. Reams.

Starting point is 01:39:44 Yale. Oh. That makeser. Reams? Yale. Oh, that makes sense since Reams is still at it. I got that one from Dad though. Right, okay. Any other fun facts about you before we should let you go? I was in the Army for a few years. Oh, what'd you do in the Army? I was 35 Mike, it's a intelligence collector, interrogator.

Starting point is 01:40:03 Okay, awesome, awesome. He intelligence collector, interrogator. Okay. Awesome. Awesome. He wasn't a recruiter. No. Yeah. I got to tell you, when you came out, man, you feel very comfortable, very polished. There was no hesitation. As soon as you started performing, man, you were funny out the gate.

Starting point is 01:40:18 Thank you. Thank you. That means a lot. I appreciate that. I noticed that immediately. Thank you very much. We had somebody start over earlier because I felt like there was something there, but right out the gate, you felt very comfortable. So 15, 20 minutes, man, I feel that immediately. Thank you very much. I had somebody start over earlier because I felt like that was something there, but right out the gate you felt very comfortable. So 15, 20 minutes, man, I feel like you got more, but you know, that's just me. I love...

Starting point is 01:40:33 As long as your set is longer than your pussy eating, I think you're going to be okay. Focus on that, dude, everything else will fall into place. I loved the minute. Congratulations, Red Band. You know, because you're from Columbus, Ohio and you're a funny guy, I would love to have you on The Secret Show Thursday. Hell yeah. And you're getting a big Kill Tony joke book.

Starting point is 01:40:51 Yale Reams, ladies and gentlemen, has arrived to Kill Tony. How exciting. A real gig he just got out of this. Oh my goodness. Thank you. How lovely. This is going well. Ha ha ha ha.

Starting point is 01:41:10 Jazz. Make some noise for your next bucket poll ladies and gentlemen. 60 seconds uninterrupted for Sandy everyone. It's Sandy. Let's see what happens here with Sandy. Sandy. Sandy. -♪

Starting point is 01:41:27 Hey, what's crackin', Kill Tony? How we doin' tonight? We doin' good? Yeah, I feel like as a comedian, I have a lot in common with strippers, you know? You ever seen a stripper bomb onstage? Goddamn, do you not even have a dollar to sit on you, girl? Goddamn, dude. I remember one time I told the stripper, I was like, hey girl, you know I could save you

Starting point is 01:41:46 from this lifestyle, right? And then she showed me her bank account and I was like, hey actually, hey can you save me? Nah man, I have bad taste in women. I remember one time I was at the beach and I fell in love with this blonde girl, you know. I went up to her and she had dreadlocks, she was a surfer chick.

Starting point is 01:42:01 I was like, hey girl, how'd you get your dreadlocks like that? She was like, I've been homeless three years. And I was like, what the fuck? Scared me, man. I could tell she was on drugs, you know, because we were doing cute shit. I was hanging around her. We held hands.

Starting point is 01:42:12 We took a long walk on the beach. We played I Spy. You guys ever played I Spy with the tweaker? Hey, they're fucking good, yo. They're good at that shit, man. I kept saying I spy an orange umbrella, and she would find it all man. I kept, like, saying, I spy an orange umbrella, and she would find it all quick, and then she would be like,

Starting point is 01:42:27 I spy someone's catalytic converter. I'm like, what? Yeah, man. I like midgets, you know? They have a nice ass. The only thing bigger than a midget's ass are their foreheads, you feel me? Hell yeah. Sandy, welcome, welcome.

Starting point is 01:42:43 A minute from Sandy. Is this your first time on the show? Yes, sir. Hell yeah. Sandy, welcome, welcome. A minute from Sandy. Is this your first time on the show? Yes, sir. Hell yeah. What pot farm were you raised at? Look at you. Pink Floyd shirt, that fucking head. I love drugs. I love how comfortable you are. You are super comfortable.

Starting point is 01:42:52 Oh, Fluffy's here. What the fuck? How did I not see you? Hell yeah. I have never snuck up on anybody. I'm not going to do that. I'm going to do that. I'm going to do that.

Starting point is 01:43:00 I'm going to do that. I'm going to do that. I'm going to do that. I'm going to do that. I'm going to do that. I'm going to do that. I'm going to do that. I'm going to do that. I, Fluffy's here. What the fuck? How did I not see you? Hell yeah. I have never snuck up on anybody. Thank you, man. Hey, I should wear black more often.

Starting point is 01:43:14 You look good, brother. Good to meet you, bro. Good to see you, man. Yeah, you're very comfortable. You came out here and just felt chill, you know? Yeah, I've seen you. I grew up, my family loves you. I've seen you at the Citizens Bankerino Toyota in Ontario.

Starting point is 01:43:25 Thank you, man. I'm from the IE, so it's cool to see. I know you started at the Ontario Impulse, so it's cool. This is about you, bro. Yeah, no. It's funny, man. Thank you, man. I appreciate you, Fluffy. If you guys have ever wondered what people from the Inland Empire

Starting point is 01:43:37 look like, it is these two. I'm gonna ask, that is your hair, right? That is your hair, right? I think so. The only reason I ask is because it's impressive and I haven't had it in a long time. It's incredible, there's a lot there. What do you do for work, Sandy?

Starting point is 01:43:54 I gotta know. I'm a service technician at a apartment complex, so I fix hair conditioners, I do plumbing, you know? It's cool. Hey! Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. I love it. Hey! So you're just walking in there stone, just fucking.

Starting point is 01:44:11 High as hell, everything. Fucking with electrical sockets. You know how many times I've been shocked, you know, cause I was like, because I got you in my head, goddamn. I can't even imagine. Do you live at the apartment complex that you manage? I do, 30% off rent.

Starting point is 01:44:25 They only give you 30% off? California, it's fucked up out there. 30% is a lot in California. Damn it is, dude. It's good, man. Shit. But it's a full-time job? Full-time. Been there six years. So sometimes you get awakened in the middle of the night and this and that? Yep, and I gotta go stop, you know, fix things.

Starting point is 01:44:42 What are some of the crazier calls that you've ever gotten? One time I was at Buffalo Wild Wings, and they gotta go stop, you know, fix things. What are some of the crazier calls that you've ever gotten? One time I was at Buffalo Wild Wings and they called me like, there's two apartments on fire, can you come help? And I'm like, no. Yeah. What? They're like, hey, let's just see if we can get the kid to put out the fire. There's a fire. Who do we call?

Starting point is 01:45:00 Call fucking us, Andy. Holy shit. That's how they manage fires in Southern California. I don't know if you guys have been watching the news at all. We got a fire in the Pacific Palisades. There's 20,000 cubic miles on fire. Who do we call? Sandy.

Starting point is 01:45:22 Sorry, sorry millions of people. He's at a buffalo wild wings right now. Gavin Newsom's first call, did we try Sandy? Oh my god. Can I see your Gavin Newsom impression again? That's a way to hold it. I don't think I have one. I don't think I... Cause your lips changed. Look at your lips. We need to call Sandy. We have this under control.

Starting point is 01:45:56 There's nothing that can go wrong with Sandy. I mean look at him. I thought it looked good. It's my motherfucking birthday today too. Oh shit! Happy Birthday! Nananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananan So how long have you been doing this? Three years, January 20th. And where'd you start doing stand-up? The IE, so I do, you know, I'm always at the improv. Yeah, right there.

Starting point is 01:46:32 I started in the IE, I'm always at Riverside. Just everywhere, you know. LA, try to hit Hollywood as much as possible. So I grew up, man. That's cool. And then, so you're living out here now? I just came to visit, my friends live out here, so it's cool. They let me sleep on the couch for like 10 days.

Starting point is 01:46:46 That's freaking awesome. Wow. Thank you. Thank you, Fluffy. Damn, I never thought Fluffy would be passing me a goddamn blunt, dude. This is cool. What birthday is this for you?

Starting point is 01:46:56 So who's it? Do you want to take a wild guess? Because people were getting it wrong all day. Assume you are 7'8". I'm going to say he's 23. 22. 29. Wow.

Starting point is 01:47:08 Yeah, no, people have been saying I look 43. I was pissed off. What the fuck? Yeah, people are like, he's the Mexican Danny DeVito over here. Hey, I'm the penguin. Hey, look, I'm the penguin, dude. There you go, Red Bad. Hey look, I'm the penguin dude. There you go Red Bad.

Starting point is 01:47:29 Hell yeah. So what, tell us more about you Sandy. You've been asked to put out fires, you're an apartment manager. How long have you been on stand up? Let's talk about that. Three years. Three years. That's right. That's right. Yeah, my first job, I got my finger cut off at work. Wait, oh my god, holy shit. That's right. Yeah, my first job. I got my finger cut off at work. So Wait, oh my god. Holy shit. Oh Oh No, oh we have a lot of fainters in the front row tonight won't do that again

Starting point is 01:47:56 Yeah, never finger a fat chick, you know Oh my god She ate you out I didn't do that, John. I like, I paid $10 to do shit. Oh my God. She ate you out. That is incredible. How did you lose that finger? Finger in fact, girl, no, I'm just kidding. Fireworks. UPS.

Starting point is 01:48:16 UPS? Dude, I was 18 years old, first job ever, fucking. Two weeks into it, lost my finger, it was like, but pretty embarrassing. What did you put your hand in? Yeah, exactly, and why is it missing? Just a cart squished it off and I had to into it, lost my finger, it was like, but pretty embarrassing. What did you put your hand in and why is it missing? Yeah, just a cart squished it off and I had to pull it, I pulled off a glove and it just ripped it off even more. I was like, ah.

Starting point is 01:48:33 Oh my God. They tried to say they could save it. They couldn't. Oh my God. What can Brown do for you? Yeah. So did UPS pay you well for that? Fuck no.

Starting point is 01:48:46 Guess how much? Why do I have to guess everything? What else is going on here? What is this, a circus? You got free shit for a week? I don't know. Hey, they gave me 30% off. $4,000.

Starting point is 01:48:58 $4,000. Apparently, every- Did you just settle immediately? No, I tried to fight and they were like, no, this is as much as you can. Even the lawyers are like, no, this is as much as you're going to get. Oh my God. You had a lawyer? Was it a lawyer off a bus in the Inland Empire? Four, four, four, four, four, four, four. Oh, that's what it is, the fans are like, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 I don't speak Spanish either, brother, so I'm good. Really? Poquito, pero no mucho, dog. That's all I know.

Starting point is 01:49:45 Oh my God. Or saca la bolsita, but I don't even know what that means. A little but not a lot. Saca la bolsita means he's got narcotics on him. No, I... Are we really surprised? Chi Chi's word, oh my God. Pequito indexo fingero.

Starting point is 01:50:01 Sandy, what do you do for a living? I'm a doctor. I'm a doctor. I'm a doctor. I'm a doctor. I'm a doctor. I'm a little bit. Chi Chi's Gorda. Oh my god. Pequito indexo fingero. Sandy, what do you do for fun? You seem like a guy that has some hobbies for sure. He seems fun. He seems very fun. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:50:16 Shit, just comedy, dude. That's all I do, working comedy, you know, just getting that time in as much as possible. That's why I follow. What are you doing right now that you're not, like during the day before you got here tonight to do stand up, what do you do just to entertain yourself? Drink.

Starting point is 01:50:27 I don't know. It's my birthday so everyone's been buying me drinks. I mean, shit. Thank you, girl. Wow, listen to the dumb bitch from Dallas, everybody, who just realized that it's his birthday because she's so deep in her own bullshit world that she found that out seven minutes

Starting point is 01:50:46 after everybody else did. Oh my God, fucking happy birthday, please don't move to Dallas. Jesus Christ. At least she's hot, at least she's hot. I'll take that shit. Go girl, get it girl. At least she's hot, you're high.

Starting point is 01:51:00 Yeah. You're high. We're a match made in heaven. Someone's about to get the lightest fingering of her life. Yeah. You're high. We're a match made in heaven. Someone's about to get the lightest fingering of her life. Yeah! I use it for the click. I just vibrate on the click like, brrrrr. He put 200 pussy and let it vibrate on the click.

Starting point is 01:51:14 They love it. You've heard a finger bang that's like finger poof. Yeah. Wow. It's my trigger finger too, I'm left handed. So I was like, oh, I see. You're left handed? Yeah. Oh, fuck. That is so sad. Oh my God. I thought that was like positive. Like, at least it was a left hand.

Starting point is 01:51:34 That's probably how you got that in there. So what are the times where you notice it affects you the most? Other than like obviously shooting a gun, is it hard to write? It's hard to do my job, you know, just fixing things that work, trying to get a screw. Again, it's hard to, it's hard to write. Yeah, of course it's hard to write, but I've always had sloppy writing.

Starting point is 01:51:56 It's a left-handed thing. What else is it hard to do? Jack off. You know what? You are the fucking reggie. You are truly left-handed. We're left-handed all the way, man. Wow. Absolutely. All my cousins are left-handed. We're left-handed all the way, man. Wow. Absolutely.

Starting point is 01:52:06 All my cousins are left-handed too, which is kind of crazy. You never really hear that. My sister's left-handed. Whole family's left-handed. Absolutely amazing. Which explains why I look like this probably, god damn. Someone said I look like a witch earlier. I'm like, what? That doesn't make sense. Someone told you that you look like a witch?

Starting point is 01:52:24 Yeah. And what did you go? You like, what? That doesn't make sense. Someone told you that you look like a witch? Yeah. And then what did you go? You went, eee. Eee. Eee. If I had a finger like that, I would be using it all the time. Oh, dude.

Starting point is 01:52:33 Be like, Tony Hinchcliffe, you mean the half-index finger guy? It would be my identity. All right, well. It's been fun, man. I feel good. Best birthday of my life, man. I bet it is.

Starting point is 01:52:44 Happy birthday, my friend. Congratulations. What are you doing Thursday? Thursday, I have a show on Palm Springs. Oh, well, there you go. Where in Palm Springs? It's a new spot. It's called the Rock Gallery. It's a cool spot. Louis CK will be headlining there next month,

Starting point is 01:52:59 and I'll be headlining there, I think, the next week after him. Trying to just get it as much as possible, man. Okay, when do you head to Palm Springs? I'll be leaving tomorrow to get there by Thursday. Where are you driving? Are you walking? No, I'm driving. I'm hitchhiking. Taking horse and carriage.

Starting point is 01:53:19 I have to leave tomorrow. The show's Thursday night. With the wind the way that it is I must hit the sandy roads not Thursday if I need to stay out here I mean I'll stay out here shit I mean I'll do it I mean it's a paid gig in Palm Springs right you been booked on it for a while a little bit right so you're fine next time you're in Austin let us us know, right? I will, yeah. There you go. And happy birthday, here's a big joke book. Here's some.

Starting point is 01:53:48 Thank you, Mr. Funk. Here's some. Hey, let's eat tea. Let's eat tea. Give me E.T. Left hand. E.T. Yeah, wait.

Starting point is 01:53:57 Give me that stuff back real quick. I want you to catch it with your left hand. Right hand's no fun. Give me the book back, too. Let's see what happens here. All right, here, let's have some fun. Welcome to the Moron Olympics, everybody. Oh, okay, use your chest on that one.

Starting point is 01:54:14 I'm gonna put it out there. Hey, very good. Here's some more, here, keep going, here we go. Ah! Okay, there you go. All right, there you go. Sandy, everybody. All right, we're getting there. Let's get one or two more up here.

Starting point is 01:54:30 Make some noise, 60 Seconds Uninterrupted for Rob Edwards, everybody. Rob Edwards. You guys having fucking fun tonight? Yeah! Oh shit, make some noise for Rob Edwards, please. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha.

Starting point is 01:54:45 Greetings, motherfuckers. ["Rollin' in the Rain"] Greetings, motherfuckers. How y'all doing? You good? That's what's up. I hate going home for the holidays, mostly because every time I go back, they ask me the same shit. It's, uh, Rob, when you gonna bring us some grandbabies? Which I never know what to say to that.

Starting point is 01:55:02 Cause I don't know how to put a timetable on an accident you feel me because I'm not gonna do it on purpose so they're basically asking me Rob when you gonna get into a car crash like it's not on the vision board at the moment I don't know what to say to these people feel me like what's the math on that how would I explain it the math like what's math on that probability what is the probability that I knock a chick up in a red state and can't sneak her into a blue state? What is it? What?

Starting point is 01:55:29 It's not very good. I figure it out, we'll find a way. Now, every time I talk about the Roe v. Wade shit, they're like, Rob, you live in California. You ain't gotta worry about that. And I'm like, nah, see, that's how you build bad habits. I'm not really with that shit. I might live in California, but I fuck like I live in Mississippi.

Starting point is 01:55:49 You know what I'm saying? I take it very seriously. I have a Confederate flag in my bedroom just to remind myself of the situation I could be in. I gotta pull out, you know what I'm saying? And when I'm about to come and say, the South shall rise again, and then I pull out. And nobody gets pregnant.

Starting point is 01:56:07 Rob Edwards, I fucking love it. This is your first time on the show, right? Yeah, yeah. Welcome, welcome, welcome. Absolutely incredible set and amazing that you're here to do it. Less than 24 hours after you won the AFC championship yesterday.

Starting point is 01:56:23 I mean, one second you're going to the Super Bowl the next kill Tony. What is it? I'm in Ravensgirr I lost. Oh okay. All right well I mean okay it's really applicable for any NFL team. So I hope they pick me up shit. I love it. You must have played, I mean, sports even as recently as today it appears. You know, I try to stay in shape. You know, I gotta try. As recently as today.

Starting point is 01:56:51 Thank you, Sora. I can jump a little bit, yeah. You can? What's your vertical leap? Back when I was like a slave officer or some shit. He knows the number. Nah, I mean, back when I was doing it was like 38, 39, back when I was in shape in the community. 38, 39 inches in the number. I mean, back when I was doing it, it was like 38, 39, back when I was in shape.

Starting point is 01:57:07 38, 39 inches in the air. Red Band can't even do that in stairs. He's got... I could roll down some stairs, Tom. Down, absolutely. Rob, what do you do for, how long you been on standup? Be, it was seven years in October, so like seven.. Where all of it in Baltimore. Do you live here now? Well, I do. I'm in the Bay Area. So California.

Starting point is 01:57:30 Okay. Been doing it out there in San Francisco. Okay. That's where you live now. Yeah. It's crazy up there. Right? Yeah. A lot of you think the homeless is a lot worse than it is now here. I know it is. It's quite frightening and it's not even really just homelessness as much as it is like drug addicts. Yeah. Mental illness. Right in front of you. So it's cool. We saw a lot of crazy shit. Yeah. I'm a plumber. That's my day job. And somebody like OD'd under my van while I was working. So wow. Wow. Under the fan. I thought they were like stealing my catalytic converter. So I went over there to stomp him out, and turned out he was dying.

Starting point is 01:58:06 So I was like... Right, turns out God already did that. Yeah, he beat me to it. Oh my God. He beat me to it. You do not steal the catalytic converter of the Lord's will. He beat me to it, for sure. Amazing.

Starting point is 01:58:18 So you're a plumber in San Francisco. Yeah. How long you been doing that for? I've been plumbing for like 10 years. What made you get into plumbing? I needed money. Hell yeah. Seemed like a guy that's good at laying pipe. A lot of blood in that poop up there, huh? Red band our senior retard correspondent.

Starting point is 01:58:43 I didn't even hear what he said. He said a lot of blood in the poop up there implying that San Francisco has an overwhelming amount of gay men and sickly men. He's not wrong. He's not wrong. He's not wrong at all. Yeah. Hell yeah. What is the worst plumbing situation you've ever had to go through?

Starting point is 01:59:01 What is literally the shittiest situation? Ten years of plumbing, I gotta know. Big tall guy like you, it's gotta be crazy out there. It's, I mean, it's a lot of old, so it's a lot of old Asian money in there, so I'm like the first nigga to go in a lot of these houses. And so, I don't know, they just, I don't know, they try not to be, like, they try not to be racist,

Starting point is 01:59:24 but like, they accidentally be racist a lot of times. Oh, they don't know how to talk to black people, like the older Asian people. So it's like, oh, you're so talk, yeah, you can do it, I'm not gonna do it. Oh, you mean what I did when I introduced them to the stage tonight? I caught myself, I'm like, all right, make some extra raw bed, we're totally fucking shit Oh my god, he's so big and bracket Big a bracket man Purple than you expected Y'all ain't about to get me fired boy You you with the Taurus the problem

Starting point is 02:00:01 I ain't wooed. You are the tallest plumber on earth, Eda. Yeah, yeah, that's... Mama mia. Yes, yes, the old typical Asian accent there from Mario. Most of your crazy calls happen after hours, because usually that's when plumbers make the most money, is because any time I've had issues, like, you know, it's always calling after hours,

Starting point is 02:00:22 and usually it's for something where you have no control over it. So yeah I'm gonna think that we've been called into yeah on call type shit What's it? What's your question? You're asking as far as like what's not though? Not the worst situation is like somebody being an asshole to you But more so like the situation like was a shower backed up toilet backed up the same plumbing So it's not something that was just pipes will break bro. It's like that type shit So you just gotta you know, you go in there, shit's flooded or, you know, I mean, the worst is obviously like drain pipe.

Starting point is 02:00:50 So shit and stuff gets everywhere and then you got to go in there and fix it. It's just incredible watching you two talk. No, a veteran plumber talking to a veteran toilet clogger. So we have a connection right here. Used to handle them on stuff it down. He could probably show you some great tricks. Stop flushing tampons ladies please. Oh they do that.

Starting point is 02:01:12 That's the main one you run into. You said 10 years of doing that right? Can you still get grossed out? Yeah I mean you never get used to seeing shit. At least I don't. Because I've talked to some plumbers that are like, I could eat lunch while fixing the freaking pipes. No, no.

Starting point is 02:01:28 That's the level that I've seen some people get to. That is the most Mexican thing I've ever heard. It's like. I can say it in Spanish and make it more Mexican. Did I cover this? Oh shit, they're about to play a song or something. You keep that up. Fucking Raul.

Starting point is 02:01:46 But now you're doing stand up, man, which I think is awesome. You have great timing. You came out very confident. Oh, thank you. I was wondering, I got long set up, so I was like, I was wondering how my shit's going to go here, but it went pretty well. What's the longest you've been on stage? I mean, I'm, what do you mean, like my time?

Starting point is 02:02:03 Yeah, you're set. Forty-five. Oh, actually, he's been the first comic that's had a set longer than 15. been on stage? I mean, believe me, like my time? Yeah, you said. 45. Oh, actually, he's been the first comic that's had a set longer than 15. Yeah, exactly. I love it. I would almost say, my only note for you is I would put the mic closer to your mouth

Starting point is 02:02:18 and kind of use that bass and that power a little bit more and fucking drive it home. A Red Band doesn't understand how timing or beats work so he thinks I'm making an actual joke over here. No, this is an actual stand-up note. Like when you're doing your jokes that you clearly know how to do and write, it's so important that everybody is able to hear you. And so it's a blatant note.

Starting point is 02:02:41 I wish I could give Red Band a note and make him funny, but it's impossible. But I just did for you. He performs once a week at his own show. He performs once a week on his own show and puts himself up right where he wants to go. But you, I can make better. So from California, you just came out here just for Kill Tony?

Starting point is 02:03:04 I was in Dallas all week with my cousin. Dallas? Uh-oh. But where is he from? Where was he at? Where do I live? All right. Rob, what kind of girls are you into?

Starting point is 02:03:18 Big-booted what? Big-boot. I'll take care of the first part. There's one part I'm positive of. Flat asses do not fly in the world of Rob Edwards. You're talking about like color, race, we should be sharp. Yeah, sure, exactly.

Starting point is 02:03:34 That's what he meant. Honestly, the only color I care about is pink, so. Ooh. Absolutely unbelievable. So is there anything you wouldn't fuck? Let's talk about that. Race-wise, I don't think, as long as you're attractive and you know, not too...

Starting point is 02:03:47 How about mentally or shape-wise? There was someone that talked about loving midgets earlier. You would... I can't do crazy chicks anymore, but yeah. What makes a girl crazy to you? What's a situation where you've had with a crazy woman? Tried to cut me. So a Latina?

Starting point is 02:04:08 She was Puerto Rican. She was Puerto Rican. Can't make it up. We love the Puerto Ricans. We already know how you feel about Puerto Ricans. I mean it is incredible. The one that tried to stab you, that's literally like their thing.

Starting point is 02:04:27 Yeah. It is amazing. Don't argue in the kitchen. Don't argue in the kitchen. That's the problem. Oh, was in the kitchen. Yeah. Was she cooking?

Starting point is 02:04:35 Were you cooking? No, she just, I was trying to leave and she was, the kitchen's next to the door. Yeah. Well, they'll find anything. If it's in the living room, a TV antenna, they will get you with whatever they possibly can find. Perhaps a-

Starting point is 02:04:50 Safe proof to house, I guess. Absolutely. So mental ease is only like, okay, no crazy girls, but he didn't say no to like dwarfs or anything else. Yeah, no, it seems like everything else is on. Mostly normal size women, I guess, is what. It's been the main thing, I guess. Yeah.

Starting point is 02:05:06 All right. There he comes. He's lying. Did you say he's lying? I'm lying. Rob, seven years of standup comedy. Literally, I do believe my favorite set of the night out of the bucket.

Starting point is 02:05:19 So thank you so much. Here's a big joke book. Nothing for Rob, huh? Are you in town Thursday? I'm not. Whoa! Look at this. Red Band trying to give spots away. He was trying to offer you work, but you know, hey. How about Wednesday?

Starting point is 02:05:35 Wednesday? I could try to stay Wednesday. What's going on? What are you doing? What do you got this week? I got shows later and then I got like court for some shit on. Nothing I did. Nothing I did. Wait, you got to go to I got shows later and then I got like court for some shit on. Nothing I did, nothing I did. Wait, you gotta go to court? Yeah, thank you. That is hilarious.

Starting point is 02:05:51 It's not racist because we already did this to a white person. Ask him. Hey, what? That weed is powerful. What did you do to where you have to go to court? I don't even know if I can talk. It's just mostly jobs.

Starting point is 02:06:09 Should somebody sue in the company for some shit that happened with them. Oh, no. You're a witness. Yeah. I was there when the job was happening. You're good. You're good. Perfect.

Starting point is 02:06:19 I know that's boring. I'm sorry. You're good. No, that was great. Great said, great interview. Thank you, Rob Edwards, ladies and gentlemen. Thanks, man. And with that, we're gonna put a ribbon on it right now, ladies and gentlemen. We have come to the time to where there's only one way to end an episode like this. We have a regular on this show, ladies and gentlemen. And we are very close to finding out whether he will get his citizenship to the United

Starting point is 02:06:50 States of America. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you Carolina, Asheville this weekend. It got hit by a horrible hurricane. It looked like a post-apocalyptic movie. But then I went to the hotel room and I looked at Asheville before. I gotta tell you the hurricane didn't do that much. Even the hurricane was like, Oh shit, somebody already did this. LA's on fire? LA, oh my God, so sad.

Starting point is 02:07:58 Where are the pedophiles gonna live now? Oh my God. Where are we gonna fuck the kids now? Eat my ass, LA. They asked me for a dollar at Whole Foods yesterday for the relief fund, LA. Eat my ass. Who's that dollar gonna go to?

Starting point is 02:08:21 Mel Gibson? Fuck you. I don't feel bad for people who lost a house because I wish I had a house to lose, you know what I'm saying? I wish I got a new start. I mean I wish I had a start. That's probably the best part about being poor as shit, huh? And renting, I don't give a fuck. If I go home after this gig and my apartment's on fire... Ha ha ha ha! The only thing I do is I put my hands out for warmth. I look at the landlord like,

Starting point is 02:08:57 huh, I guess the lease is up now, motherfucker! A curse has been lifted! Thank you! Wow. I mean... What can you say? This is a superstar right here. I love that you're getting all this.

Starting point is 02:09:19 I'm still poor material out of the way before your fucking arena act. I'm still poor Gabriel. This is insane. I don't have a plane. This is the whitest foreigner I've ever met. He is. This is... My love goes out to you.

Starting point is 02:09:49 I'm sorry, I'm autistic. I'm autistic, I didn't know what this is. I'm sorry, I'm autistic. I don't know what this is. Oh my God. So much for my show at the kids' school. I'm gonna get a call soon. That is wild. He can, I'm pretty sure he can do it. You guys were on that side of World War II, I do believe.

Starting point is 02:10:27 Absolutely, absolutely. So it's like how black people can say the N-word. I think he can give the Nazi salute because your people do that. Okay, I'm trying to fix the situation. What would you do Gabriel? Oh my God, look at the water. Put this on your next post.

Starting point is 02:10:46 We're just going to blur it or something I guess. No one will ever know. No, it's hilarious. It is kind of wild, right? Autistic people can get away with stuff that blatantly non-autistic people can't. They can get away with it until they acknowledge it. As long as they don't acknowledge it, I think they can pull off anything. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah. I've noticed Elon as much as he jokes around online. Never says he's autistic. Yeah. So then you can always make the case where, well, you know, he's a little... Asperger's. Yeah. Well, whatever it is. I mean...

Starting point is 02:11:20 He could buy Estonia though. Dr. Red Band making his diagnosis. It's called the spectrum now. Yes. Anyway. Ari, how's life been going? Good? Yeah, good. Actually, Asheville was super.

Starting point is 02:11:34 It was actually a beautiful spot. I loved it. Wait, what? That was all one word. Asheville. Asheville. North Carolina? Yes, North Carolina.

Starting point is 02:11:42 It was actually beautiful. Lots of hills, lots of pretty women, you know. Ooh. Those country girls, you know, with calluses. Oh, wow. Wait, what was that? Oh, you could feel it. A rough hand job in Ashley.

Starting point is 02:11:54 Oh my goodness. A rough one, I love it. I needed some relief too. They have those working lady hands there, huh? Yeah. The exfoliators. Yeah. Yeah.

Starting point is 02:12:11 And they have like thick necks. They do? A thick neck bitch. Wow. I love a bitch. They can like carry me out of a fire. It's funny to think that next week there's gonna be some... ...flatantly that girl in Asheville is gonna be watching this performance.

Starting point is 02:12:30 She's just gonna be like, God damn it, man. Fah. Shit, my hands and my neck are insecurities to me. Shit. God, my thick neck. She'll kick me off like this. Ah ha ha ha.

Starting point is 02:12:44 You're gonna come, boy. I was like this, I am. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha.

Starting point is 02:12:56 Ah. Ah. Ha ha ha ha. It's a shame nobody's gonna see this, because they stopped watching after all the Nazi salutes. Ha ha ha ha ha. Now we only have the cool people. Ha ha ha ha.

Starting point is 02:13:14 It's true. That is true. Actual comedy fans. I love it, Ari. My God, so funny. Asheville, North Carolina. Oh. Yeah, she was awesome. What else? You got a real Texas

Starting point is 02:13:27 shirt making sure you don't get deported this week. I gotta practice my accent. Ice is out to get me. I am from Texas. Texas, Texas, Texas. That's what I say. Just like everyone else from Texas. I don't know that he could get deported, like maybe to like Dallas. Yeah. That's the phrase. They're not really gonna kick him out. I'd rather you just send me to Estonia. Anything but Dallas.

Starting point is 02:13:55 It's like Asheville without the calluses. Did you start off doing standup in Estonia? Cause I know there was a callus scene. Yeah, you went there, I was at the show, I was on the second balcony so far. You were there at my show in Estonia? Yeah. Awesome. I remember, it was awesome. I was at the show. I was on the second balcony so far. You were there at my show in Estonia? Yeah, I remember. It was awesome. You did a lot of jokes.

Starting point is 02:14:12 And then you left, by the way, you left boxes and boxes because my former manager, Louis, see ya. He's great. Shout out Louis. I love you. He brought you out and I remember you had a lot of merch that you just left. I've never seen a performer just, you left boxes. I left merch. Boxes? Dude. Don't do that.

Starting point is 02:14:29 Boxes? You actually do leave merch. I still have two bottles of fluffy Cholula. That's what I need to make out. Tapatio. Tapatio. And I fucking love it. And I swear to God, I even had the look on the thing

Starting point is 02:14:42 cause I swear it tastes better than actual tapatito. Where do we leave the money? You left that here. You left it here at the mothership. You left some in Estonia. Right now, this is the look of a man that is finding out he has left $9.5 million worth of merch all over the world.

Starting point is 02:14:58 Somebody screen grab that look he had on his face before. What? I left it here? No. Dude, you left so many boxes of t-shirts. Dude, there's children in Estonia running around with fluffy t-shirts. Dude, there's, we gave out hundreds of t-shirts. The whole country is fluffy, fluffy, fluffy.

Starting point is 02:15:22 You know who else is running around? His merch guy up on that balcony like oh fuck I've been living my fucking dreams me oh I didn't want to carry that shit back to the bank you're so rich dude you don't even need it dude you don't even need it bro you could be performing on a box in Bakersfield you have it so good, dude. What do you need that tapatile for, dude? Look, dude, it's more expensive to fucking, I found out it's more expensive to ship it to the next,

Starting point is 02:15:54 he's gonna, you're about to hear, you're about to hear the most Mexican accounting of your life. Dude, I would ship it to the next city, but I'd lose my finger dude. UPS is fucked up. Fluffy, please. Fluffy, please. Fluffy, I'll make it up to you. It's only 11.8 million dollars. Dude, it's all over the world.

Starting point is 02:16:25 I can get it back, bro. I'll make some calls. Oh, God. It is so funny to think, literally one of the top selling comedians in the world. Like, this is like a guy that, like, Forbes and shit, right? This is like it. And he's finding out he has merch all over the world right? You understand I'm gonna play this video in someone's review at the end of the year right?

Starting point is 02:16:52 There's somebody gonna get called into an office and I'm gonna be like just for HitPlay. Like really motherfucker? Estonia? Yeah if you go to a Gabriel Iglesier show, don't buy the merch. Just wait the next day. Near the arena back entrance. We give that shit away like we're in Africa, dude. Absolutely unbelievable. Make some fucking noise for Ari Matty, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you so much. Thank you to Shopify and Talkspace.

Starting point is 02:17:30 The drawing from Ryan J. Ebelt is in and it is unbelievable. Let's see what Chris Rogers did. It was Cam Patterson. Ladies and gentlemen, I have to ask for a favor. How loud can this place get? For his first time on panel, Gabriel Iglesias, ladies and gentlemen. Motherfucking Fluffy.

Starting point is 02:17:51 Check out the legend of Fluffy now on Netflix. One of his many, many specials. Shopify, Talkspace, thank you all. Red Band. Check out the Sunset Strip atx.com. I love you guys. One more time for the best in band in the land, Matt Mueling, John B's, D Madness,

Starting point is 02:18:10 Carlos Sousa, Ro Vallejo, Fernando Castillo, and Big Mike Michael Gonzalez. Thank you, we love you. Watch the legend of Fluffy if you haven't already and all of his great specials. We love you, Good night everybody. The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open! Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to SunsetStripATX.com for tickets. you you you

KILL TONY - #703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS

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