KILL TONY - #708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN

Episode Date: February 25, 2025

H. Foley, Kevin Ryan, Kam Patterson, William Montgomery, Ari Matti, Hans Kim, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, Jon Deas, Matthew Muehling, Joe White, Kristie Nova, Yoni, Troy Conrad, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban - RECORDED– 02/17/2025 TONY HINCHCLIFFE @TONYHINCHCLIFE TONYHINCHCLIFFE.COM BRIAN REDBAN @REDBAN DEATHSQUAD.TV SUNSETSTRIPATX.COM Right now, our listeners get 35% off when you order through https://nykdpouches.com/tony. 4 out of 5 employers who post on ZipRecruiter get a quality candidate within the first day. See for yourself at https://ziprecruiter.com/killtony Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Death Squad.tv, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out TonyHinchcliffe.com for everything the Golden Pony, Tony Hinchcliffe. You can also check out ShopSquad.tv for Death Squad merch, hats, mugs, whatever! ShopSquad.tv. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Time. I'm gonna go get some food. Hey, this is Redman, coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Son of Keltoni. Get up for Tony Eskild!

Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? Yippee! Make some noise for Red Band, ladies and gentlemen. And that's the best damn band in all of the land, proving it yet again. Make some noise for them, everybody. Fernando Castillo, Raúl Vallejo, Carlos Sosa, Nachos Belgrande. That is Big Mike, believe it or not. That is, he's the biggest little boy we've ever seen in our lives. Isn't he adorable, ladies and gentlemen?

A micro machine of a drummer. How about a hand for the great Matt Mueling, everybody? Fresh off of an audition to be one of the new Home Alone villains, clearly. The great John Dease is here, everyone. And absolutely adorable, dressed like a skeleton tonight. Ladies and gentlemen, that is indeed D-Madness on the base.

Oh, my goodness. Everything is in its place. The crew is golden tonight. Before we get started, here's a little bit more fun. on the base. Oh my goodness. Everything is in its place. The crew is golden tonight. Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. We bet you didn't know. Our new train's panoramic windows are ideal

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or someone close to you, please contact Connix Ontario at 1-866-531-2600 to speak to an advisor free of charge. BetMGM operates pursuant to an operating agreement with iGaming Ontario. MGM operates pursuant to an operating agreement with iGaming Ontario. Who's ready to start tonight's fucking show, huh? Ladies and gentlemen, two of my favorite comedians, two of the best guests in the history of the show. If you guys know and love comedy podcasting, then you know these motherfuckers. Absolutely amazing. Literally the best, two of the best guests possible. Make some goddamn

noise for the RU garbage guys, no, you sit here. Yeah. There he is. There they are. Kevin Ryan, H. Foley on a beautiful, beautiful Monday evening. Welcome gentlemen. Let's fucking go mothership. God damn. For you guys that don't know, they are the hosts of literally what I consider one of the only listenable

comedy podcasts in the world. I don't really listen or watch anybody's podcast, including all my best friends. But these two run a show, Are You Garbage? And you find out what's kind of trashy about the guests. And there's a lot, it turns out. I'm garbage. You's a lot, yes. It turns out. For sure. I'm garbage. You were not classy, that's definitely, yeah.

Nope. Born poor. Had to survive. Had to make some things happen. Many a trips to Subway, load up the Sub, five dollars, back in the diesel. Grew up on black olives. That's right.

Maraschino cherries show up in my DNA to this day. I got a blood test. 2% Maraschino. What's been going on, boys? Everything good? Route 66, the new special, RU Garbage special on RU Garbage on YouTube. So youtube.com slash RU Garbage.

What do you guys do there? We did Route 66 tour Chicago to LA on a bus, did nine cities, nine shows in like 10 days, and we filmed the whole thing. All a lot of behind the scenes, a lot of the live show. It's a good fucking time. It's a great time. This is nice.

This is new, isn't it? You don't know, we didn't used to normally do this. The little panel, we come out. Well, I mean, you know, I like you guys. This is fucking real. This is me. I feel like I'm on Graham Norton. I love this guy. Yeah, I mean, you know, I like you guys. This is fucking real. Me feeling I'm on Graham Norton. I love Graham Norton. Wow, you really made it.

You made it. Graham Norton. What a reference. Oh, that show no one watches. That's what it feels like I'm on right now. What are you talking about? Fucking good show. British trash.

Yeah. But you guys have been on this show numerous times, much like Graham Norton's favorite guest I've had you on multiple times. You guys know how it works. If you get pulled out of this bucket, you get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know your time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten.

That means you have to wrap it up then, or I should bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. I'm gonna let one of these lovely lesbians in the front row pick out a name to start the show. That'll be first. And while our sweet, sweet crew goes and wrangles the comedian from across the street, we're going to get it started with one of our favorite golden ticket winners in the history of the show. An absolute sweet, sweet, sweet little fucking enchilada

that we found many years ago in Houston, Texas. A long tenured golden ticket winner here with the new minute. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for the adorable and powerful. This is Enrique Chacon, everyone. I'm a trans-ation, man. I'm a trans-ation, man. I'm a trans-ation, man. I'm a trans-ation, man. I'm a trans-ation, man.

I'm a trans-ation, man. I'm a trans-ation, man. I'm a trans-ation, man. I'm a trans-ation, man. I'm a trans-ation, man. I'm a trans-ation, man. I'm a trans-ation, man. I'm a trans-ation, man.

I'm a trans-ation, man. I'm a trans-ation, man. I'm a trans-ation, man. I'm a trans-ation, man. I'm a trans-ation, man. I'm a trans-ation, man. I'm a trans-ation, man. I'm a trans-ation, man.

I'm a trans-ation, man. I'm a trans-ation, man. I'm a trans-ation, man. I'm a trans-ation, man. I'm a trans-ation, man. I'm a trans-ation, man. I'm a trans-ation, man. I'm a trans-ation, man. You know? Not the kind that chops your dick off. The kind that's really good at Rubik's Cubit. You know what I mean? Yeah, I'm a translation, man. I think I'll be the most annoying person to deport on a flight.

Like, oh, man, I know I don't have any rights, but can I at least get the window seat and an extra foil blanket? I want to go back into my country looking like an illegal pop tart, you know? My dad, he was a veteran in El Salvador. He hated communism. I want to go back into my country looking like an illegal pop tart, you know? My dad, he was a veteran in El Salvador. He hated communism.

I hated communism and fuck communism. I can't even share an appetizer. He used to tell me how he would torture communists, right? Apparently, he used to tie them up naked, throw cold water at them, and slap their feet afterwards so they can get pneumonia and die. And I'm like, damn, Dad, that's kind of gay. If you do that shit to me, I'm gonna cum. Thank you. That's been my time.

Fuck yeah. There he is. Ooh, takes the glasses off after the set. What a little rocker. Thank you, that's been my time. Fuck yeah. There he is. Ooh, takes the glasses off after the set. What a little rock star we got. Holy shit, I love it Enrique. Rock solid, one of my favorite minutes of yours. Thank you, man.

Talking about topical stuff. Relatable as fuck, bro. I'm actually at risk of deportation. I bet you could slip right out of their grasp. Look at how sweaty you are, Enrique. It is literally, we keep a thermometer here at all times. People think it's a joke. It's real. 67.3 degrees Fahrenheit.

Hey, yo. 67 degrees and look at that forehead right now. Can you control that? Can you turn it down? The kid's right. I didn't take my jacket off. I thought I was having a goddamn stroke. You got a couple of big guys here.

Is that what you ask the doctor after he takes your blood pressure? Hey, can you turn that down, dude? I don't even know, man. I'm just having fun, dude. I don't even share appetizers, dude. My cholesterol is loud as shit. That's why I wear these tight ass jeans.

They help with the blood pressure. Those are ridiculous. Those are wild jeans, dude. Those are compression jeans. Yeah. Holy shit. Unbelievable. You're a wild man.

I'm lying. These are actually airbrushed on me, you know what I mean? You are truly... I'm a kinky motherfucker, that's what I do. Built like an ice cream cone, very tiny ankles, getting bigger as it goes up. Sugar cone.

And a lot of people... It is a sugar cone, that's what I'm looking for. Our senior ice cream cone correspondent, Brian Redband, correcting me, it is a sugar cone, not a baby cone. Not a baby cone. We all know the differences in the cones. Do you have, has anyone ever It is a sugar cone, not a baby cone. Not a baby. We all know the differences in the cones. Do you have, Zivia, has anyone ever called you

a sugar cone before? I don't know, but at least people would pay $5.75 to lick me, you know what I mean? Whoa, there's some people vomiting in the crowd right now. Absolutely incredible. You have a wristband that looks extremely tight. Seems like your hand is gonna be deported before the rest of you. What is that wristband that looks extremely tight. Seems like your hand is gonna be deported before the rest of you.

What is that wristband? And how are you ever going to get it off? Ice gave it to me. They're like, okay, you're cool right now, but we're watching you. And they gave me this. It looks like you're actively swelling up right now. Yeah.

I'm just, you know, turning puffy like a nipple here, dude. Oh, man. I love it. This guy's great, dude. It is. He's wiping the sweat out of his eyes. You would think he's in round 10 of a boxing match right now. He's just joining us.

Jake Paul, where you at? His hair is sweating. I've never seen sweaty hair. It is coming from the top of his head. He's literally, I may have made a lot of ice cream cone references while he melts up here tonight. He's got a winter coat on. Leave the kid alone, will you?

Look, man, exactly. Look, this is all just a big global warming advertisement, all right? It's hot up here. It's not. We have the facts. Enrique, a great set. Are some of your family members illegal?

Let's talk about it. Yeah, well, maybe we shouldn't. They're out there somewhere in Texas. Yeah, man, actually, my status, I have something called the DACA status, which if you're a Republican, you probably don't fucking give a fuck. You know? It was given to me in 2008 by Barack Obama, so technically he's my daddy, you know?

But yeah, I have a driver's license and a social. I can't vote, but I can like your page on Facebook. That's something that I found out I can't do, but... They don't let you vote? The Democrats that let you here don't want you to vote? I've never heard of such a thing. They don't, but they still want me to donate five dollars to the blue shit or whatever. I bet.

By blue shit, do you mean your left hand that is slowly turning? That ring's tight as shit too. You're gonna need the jaws of life to get off. That thing's never coming off. What kind of ring is that? What do you got there? It's a ring that my girlfriend gave me, bro. We're damn near engaged, dude.

Wow, did you get her a ring as well? Yeah, I did get her a ring. Is it an onion ring? No way, Tony, I don't be sharing those. Those are for me. Those are appetizers. I brought one home for her, but that shit didn't be sharing those. Those are for me. I don't do the appetizers. I brought one home for her, but that shit didn't make it to her finger. You're still invited to the wedding, Tony.

Fuck. I bet I am. Yeah. I bet. What else is going on? Things are good with the girl? Things are good with my girl, man. Well, you know, I recently opened up an Airbnb, so that's badass, right?

And you know what, like, I've never heard that sentence. What do you mean by that exactly? So I have a seven acre property with my girl, right? So we opened up an Airbnb in the cabin, you know, like in the middle of our property. And you know, I thought I was going to be an entrepreneur and everything right after I did that. But now I'm just a fucking housekeeper, a maid and a handyman. So I just kind of regressed.

Wow. Are there people staying at your Airbnb? Yeah, I have a four point eight, nine stars right now on there. So, you know, I've been cleaning them bed sheets, bro. I'm the one that's cleaning that, so. Wow. Wow. Absolutely incredible. Look at you.

What was the negative part to make it not a five star though? Yeah, what do you think drag? Sweaty sheets. They can probably hear me snoring, dude, you know? How far is this property from where you sleep? Oh, it's like maybe like 30 steps away. 30 steps away? It's connected?

You guys share a wall? No, we don't share a wall or anything. It's divided by like a fence, you know? That's the only wall I can't go across and back from. Yeah. Yes, that is true. Oh my goodness, look at the sweat pouring. Nobody got an extra towel.

Remind us all how old you are. I am 28 years young right now. 28 and by the amount of sweat he just on the kill Tony death pole just passed up Brian Redban on the mountaintop Absolutely incredible Brian is 50 and gray and you just passed him up and 28 years old You are the most likely to die next Does that make you feel Enrique? You know make make the funeral special, please? Shit for me there he goes Enrique Chacon everybody getting -♪ Ba-na-na-ba-da-na-da-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na It's time to go to the bucket, the famous part of the show where we meet people, find people, could be the next great talent, could be somebody that thought they were gonna do great,

could be somebody's first time, could be a 20-year veteran here to try to make it for the first time ever in their lives. Anything can happen. Make some noise for your first bucket full of the night. It is Brooke Riddell, everyone. Brooke Riddell here on Kill Tony, brought to you by Talkspace and Shopify.

I love to eavesdrop. I was listening to this black couple talk about their friend, Janay. Whew, crazy bitch. Okay, so she has this on again, off again relationship with her boyfriend, right? She leaves him, she starts performing naked, heavily using drugs, and then finds out she has AIDS.

So she goes back to her boyfriend, right, and is like, you know what? I still love you, Forrest. They were talking about the plot of Forrest Gump. And my racist ass thought Jenni was just this interesting black woman with a past. Uh, so I don't eavesdrop anymore. Uh, been thinking about the Holocaust a lot lately.

Specifically because I just got a dog and my landlord doesn't know. So he'll start barking, and I'm like shut up the Gestapo's coming you gotta keep it quiet what would Anne do? She'd write it down famously she'd write it down. Thanks guys I've been Brooke. Brooke Riddell. Hello Brooke. This is your first time on the show right? Yeah. Nice to meet you. How long you been on stand-up? Stand-up for two years. Where at? show, right? Yeah. Nice to meet you. How long you been on standup? Standup for two years. Where at?

LA. Okay. Why do you laugh when you say LA? Cause I know, cause we know. We know how you feel about LA. Wait, how, what does that mean? I lived in LA for almost two decades. How do I feel about LA?

Well, when I signed up, they were like, I'm sorry. When they said how long and where, so. Who said that? One of the production assistants? Yeah, sorry. We all love LA here. We love it. Are you from LA?

I'm from Solvang, California. Yeah. Whoa. Applause break from Red Band. That must mean there's a Friendly's burger joint there or something. I don't know. What's Solvang?

Solvang is the Danish capital of America, and it's actually where I think Karen's from. He's been on your show a few times. Karen? Yeah. Yeah, Karen Jones. Oh, OK. That's a wild name to drop.

All right. Well, I'm just named to the town. OK. All right. We don't claim her anymore. Are you Danish? I'm not. No, I'm actually Finnish, but hey, tomatoes, tomatoes, so.

Hell yeah. Well, I was wondering when you were gonna finish. When you were performing. Seemed like it was never gonna end. I'm kidding, I'm kidding. I'm not kidding, but I am kidding. Brooke, amazing. So two years, you're in LA now. You live there.

How's that going for you? Tell us your thoughts about Los Angeles. It's going well. I, well, it sucks because of the fires, but hey, we like it, so. Hey, maybe what started the fires, by the way. Yeah, that's true. A lot of tried, a lot of tried, hey.

Yeah, and I've been doing groundlings and performing in clubs around LA, and so it's an honor to be here on this stage and perform for you guys, so. Absolutely. Yeah, and I've been doing groundlings and performing in clubs around LA, and so it's an honor to be here on this stage and perform for you guys. Absolutely. What do you do for a living, Brooke? How do you make money?

I do creative advertising. Okay. Yeah. What does that mean exactly? What do you do? I do it for Disney movies. Wow. Yeah. So like, what are some ideas that you come up with? Are you the one that's like, make it a black person?

Yeah. Are you the one that's like, make it a black person? -♪ It's time for, it's time for more black people. This movie wasn't good enough when it was white. We need more black people, am I right? Black, black, black, black, black, black, black, black, black, black, black. All right. So what do you do at Disney? Creative. What are some things that you do?

Creative advertising, so like the billboards and the movie posters and trailers and stuff like that. All right. Very good. What do you think about the direction of Disney right now? What would be a note that you would have to the head of Disney if he was here right now? Oh, he'd be like, you're gonna blow fire to him. Yes, by the way, Red Man thinks it's Mickey Mouse.

He thinks the CEO of Disney is the actual Mickey Mouse. A note would probably be less notes because I feel like everyone has their hands in the pie and that's what makes things not organic. That's an unbelievably great answer. Yeah, Mickey does not like that at all. Ha ha, you're fired. I love it.

Can all fat guys do that? This is incredible. This is amazing. I didn't know. Let me try. Ha ha, you're fired. No. Hey, I'm Mickey Mouse. Yeah, I guess...

I haven't stopped thinking about friendlies in five minutes. Who don't like a fribble? I love it. So, Brooke, you're down in the big city now. You're originally from, like, the middle of nowhere California. Yeah. And so, what do you do for fun when you're in L.A., trying to have some fun?

Well, I love doing this. I also love to paint. And I'm very creative. I do calligraphy. And my husband's also comic, who's across the street. So we're both doing this together. You can't believe I got pulled first. Wow.

Yeah. Amazing. How long has he been doing stand-up? Two years as well. Wow. You guys started at the same time. Well, I've been doing improv and like sketch comedy longer, but then once he started to do it,

I thought I should try to. Right. Is he funnier than you? No. That is a good answer. I like that. Nice. There we go. Good. All right, Mickey. I love it.

What's something we'd be shocked to know about you? Interesting, fun fact about your life. Well, I thought solving was pretty interesting because no one knows what the hell that is and it's a Danish capital, but my family actually owns the Danish bakery there that does all of the gingerbread houses for like the celebrities of the world. So gingerbread. Oh my goodness. Yeah.

Look how excited H. Foley is right now. He cannot hide his giddiness. He's slipping out of his seat right now. He's wondering if you have perhaps a gingerbread mansion. Is there perhaps a neighborhood for sale of gingerbread houses? Come drop bushes. I'm in love. He wants to Airbnb some of these gingerbread houses. This fat guy's eating the sidewalk.

That's not even gingerbread. Solving's the town. It's called Solving. Like solving the murder. It's in California and it's the Danish capital. So a lot of Danish people live there. Yeah. And a lot of gingerbread houses. Yeah. It does look like a gingerbread house town.

It's a bunch of wineries. Yeah. It's an awesome place to take, like, a girl... Yeah, Red Band, that's how we end up in some witch's pot or some shit like that. All right, this way, boys. Red Band. They get together.

I hear there's a whole town made of gingerbread. They meet up at their meetings and fucking share stories. It's like Midnight Cowboy where on a bus my nose is bleeding. Don't worry Foley, I'm gonna get you there. Nobody saw Midnight Cowboy. Okay. Deep cut. If you watch Graham Norton, you know what I'm talking about.

Oh, my God. What does your husband do for work? He works for Goop. What does that mean? Exactly. What is that? When is Paltrow? Yeah.

Well, he works in the supply chain, but he was... Okay. He was... Wow, there's some real supply sluts in the audience tonight. Jesus Christ. Yeah. Shipping and receiving. Woo! Get back on the line, bitches.

They make vagina candles. Ah. Fully second favorite thing. Yeah. Gingerbread houses and vagina candles. That's a Disney movie. Let's go. Ha ha ha. I love it. Well, Brooke, congratulations.

You got pulled first. You got it started. Here's a little joke book. Go show it to your husband. Thank you. Good job. And it goes on and on. One more time for Brooke, everybody. There she goes. The show has begun. Hello there.

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Via Rail. Love the way. Your next comedian, I do believe has been on before. Make some noise for Phoenix Provocateur, everybody. Phoenix Provocateur, everybody. Phoenix Provocateur. Here we go. -♪ So, one of the best parts about my life right now is that my boyfriend goes to work all day,

and then he wants to come home and suck my dick. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Um, so sometimes going around straight people feels like

going cow tipping. Are they awake? Are they not? We'll get there. So over the holidays, my great grandma told me that the best nigga to be, or the worst nigga to be, my bad, the worst nigga to be is a white nigga. Now this is a 90 year old woman, she tells me shit like that all the time. She told me when she was little that she used to terrorize white kids by saying, God loves us more because he took the time to color us in.

I think it makes sense. I think it makes sense. And then they had me, and I think she questioned everything after that. It's okay. It's all right. Um, so... All right, that's It's okay, it's all right. All right, that's it for Phoenix. I'll stop there. Boom. This is your second time on the show.

Yes, it is. How could I forget a Phoenix provocateur? Never. One of the rare, whatever the fuck you are. I don't even know exactly how to label you. Some type of African dragon or something like that. I'm not exactly sure. You can call me whatever you want

as long as you pay me eventually. Well, looks like I'll stick with Phoenix Provocator then. That's what I thought. I'm not in the business of paying these bucket pools. Just curious how much, just for my personal information. It's just a what if. Just give me your wallet and we'll make it work. Oh shit, hurry up and hit it.

Almost hard right now. Time to slowly take things out of your wallet and then hand it to her. Her, her, her. I got about seven layers on, so we'll make it through the whole wallet. I think he's more interested in the bottom layer. Yeah.

Phoenix, welcome back. Do you live here in Austin? I do. Okay, what do you do for work again? I don't. You don't work? Wow, oh my goodness. You really are a woman.

Yeah. The supply ladies are pissed. I was like, what? Sorry. We work so hard. I've been with an oil-filled man for a couple years, so. An oil-filled man. Yeah, I cook, clean, smoke dick, and suck weed.

Suck dick and suck weed, okay. We'll put it together. Yeah, all right, that's amazing. And you guys dick and suck. Okay. We'll put it together. Yeah. All right. That's amazing. And you guys live together full-time. Yes. It's been about five years.

How much time does he spend on the oil field? Now he works in a crane here, but before it was like four years before we moved out here. Okay. Is the crane that he works on in your pants? No. Is the oil field that he works with your ass? I have so many questions.

That's cool. That's fun. What do you guys do for fun? What's a date night for people like y'all? Is he always, is he like excited? He's white. Oh wow. Yeah?

Okay. Is he taller than you? No. There's not a lot of people that are taller than me. Matt Mueling has a great question. He's putting it together. White guy works in oil fields. Is it Uncle Lazer? The world wants to know

if your five year relationship is Uncle Lazer. He fucking wishes. I bet. I bet. Wait, why does he wish he's Uncle Lazer? Or Uncle Lazer wishes? Uncle Lazer. He fucking wishes. I bet. I bet. Wait, why does he wish he's Uncle Lazer? Or Uncle Lazer wishes? Uncle Lazer wishes. It's just guaranteed Uncle Lazer.

He knows that. Where was I? I asked a good question. What was the last job you had? The last job I had? I was delivering for Amazon. Okay. Oh yeah.

So there's that. Yep, you still have the package. And I broke my, I just, I just, talk about the back door. Yeah. Kevin's been waiting for that package

for four and a half minutes. Oh my God. And it is prime. And it looks like it came from the Amazon. All right. Hey, what? No, no, it came from El Paso. Oh, that's right, El Paso.

My goodness. So how old were you when you moved to Austin? It was like a year ago. So 27. Is there anything you miss about El Paso? No. El Paso is- Family, there's family out there. Okay. That's it.

Did they miss you? For sure. Yeah, they're close. They love you. I'm the most colorful person in the family. Of course they fucking miss me. Absolutely. And you're probably, what, the most flamboyant, right?

eccentric, you would say? For now. Well, what do you think's happening? You got a little nephew acting a fool? No. No. A bunch of them. A lot of them.

A lot of them want to be entertainers, so they're going to be colorful one way or another. That's what's happening with these kids. Nothing but fucking their iPhones, iPads all the time. They're fucking vaccinated. These kids are coming out gay as fuck, dude. There's a whole new purple wave coming. Yeah, that part.

Yeah. I just saw a TikTok the other day of this kid, or there's this guy standing in the mirror somewhere, like, taking his shirt off, like, oh, yeah, I'm at the gym or whatever. And this kid walks in, and he goes, oh, this is the boy's bathroom. And the kid goes, yeah, I know, I'm a boy.

I just wear girls' clothes and then slammed the stall door behind him. Like, shut the fuck up. Like, mind your own business, you loser. I thought it was the cuntiest thing I've ever fucking saw, because that was me as a kid. I'm not weird, you're weird. Mind your own fucking business.

Fuck yeah. ["The Last Supper"] ["The Last Supper"] Okay, stop. All right. All right, perfect. So, Phoenix, how's comedy been going? What have you been doing?

What are some good gigs you've done lately? What are you looking forward to? Well, I just did Nashville again, probably a couple weeks ago, and honestly, I don't know. I'm just looking to try to like, break the glass ceiling a little bit. I've been on stages for like 14 years,

so at this point, if I'm not getting paid, I don't really move off of my couch, because I got dick and weed and champagne at home. That's incredible. Such a, you know what you like. You know, these people that like stayed the same gender their whole lives, they fucking, they make things too complicated it seems.

For sure, for sure. Colors and knowing where your asshole's at is a lot of fun. That's what I always said. This grandma of yours, are you still close with your grandma? Yeah. All my family. We're all a little senile, but yeah, we're all still around.

Senile? Crazy, just crazy. Great. We're all crazy. What does grandma think about, did she know that you were going to end, wouldn't you think everyone... You're really tiptoeing around this. Ah.

I've never seen Tony blush, that's crazy. Being on my tiptoes is the only way to hang out with Phoenix. Uh, she is a big lady. I'm not that big, damn. You are a power forward, What are you talking about? You are getting rebounds above everybody on this fucking. She got high heels on. If I did a jump split,

all of the lights on Sixth Street would go out. And that's just because of my dick. I bet it would. I bet it would. I love it. So all your time on stage, you said 14 years you've been on stages. What were you doing again the rest of the time?

I became a national champion as a dancer and then I became an infamous drag queen here in the state of Texas where I just bring fear amongst everybody. They hate to see this ponytail. Oh, I don't have a ponytail right now. Normally I do. But they hate to see this fucking hair coming

because I'm one of the highest paid girls on any fucking show I'm on and that's with tips crowd applause Yes So I come here to say I don't come here to ask if I'm entertaining That's already been proven verified and decorated. I come here to get another ring if that makes sense Right. Absolutely sharpen another knife. Absolutely Incredible guys. What do you think about Phoenix provocative? Make sense. Right? Absolutely. Sharpen another knife. Absolutely. Incredible.

Guys, what do you think about Phoenix Provocator? Oh yeah, hi! I'm gonna ask my... It's like, oddly turned on and also very, very scared. Good! Yep, goes both ways. You're captivating. Yeah, that's the brand, it's working.

I am confused, I'll give you that. Yeah. It's a good one. You guys are from New York, I bet you didn't think that we had these in Texas. Avatars? I'll take that, I'll take that. A lot of people don't know that Texas is known for its trannies and its drag queens. We're everywhere here.

It's just not something the media wants you to know. This is known for its trannies and its drag queens. We're everywhere here. It's just not something the media wants you to know. But we're fucking here. The fake news is not reporting that. Yeah. Yeah. I love it. H. Foley, what are you, you're being awfully quiet

over there. I know. This is right in Foley's wheelhouse by the way. Yeah. He loves sweets. I don't know if Adam's apple is on that list of his favorite sweets. There are surgeries for that. I'm a sober lone man. Don't worry.

You're what? Nothing on that again. European candy. It's long. Tootsie roll. Oh, man. Is this another Midnight Cowboy reference coming here? I have some deep cuts coming for me. I love it. Have you ever played sports? A bunch of sports. I did track, cross, cross,

I literally almost said country. Cross country. Yeah, cross country, basketball, and then dance was my main thing. Right. Did I make you dance last time you were here? You didn't. They were playing,

dude looks like a lady the last time I was here. Sorry about that. I don't want to go into that. This band can really, they play that all the time for everybody. I don't know why. With that, I want to say, y'all are lucky I put my fucking microphone down

because I would have licked y'all asses up. Oh shit, she would have licked y'all asses up. Did you hear that? Can you believe that? All right, can we get like just a few seconds of a dance move or something like that? Sure. One, two, one.

All right. Hey. like that. One, two, one. This party is wild. Wow, that is incredible. That is so ladylike. That is so ladylike. That is incredible. Like that's the part where it's like, oh, it's a fucking lady. I told you I would have been a DCC if I didn't have a nine-inch dick. What's a DCC? A Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader.

Oh, okay. But I also found out they only get paid $500, and I can make that in brunch, so fuck that. Wow. Look at that. Absolutely incredible. The guy in the front row is very excited. I do believe... Oh, yeah. I do believe your dick slapped him

in the forehead during one of those dance moves. That is incredible. It's still taped between my shoulder blades. You were fine. Phoenix, you got a big joke book last time you were here? No, I got a little one. Well, guess what, my friend? There you go.

There's... Were you gonna catch it with your ass? That's incredible. Phoenix Provocateur, everybody. There she goes. Oh, wait a second. No way. Wow.

I have been informed that the first girl's boyfriend has randomly been pulled out of the bucket by our production team. Oh shit, the lovely Heidi is here everybody. So here he is, this is Brooke Riddell's husband who she said she's funnier than. This is a minute uninterrupted from Adam Mitchell everybody. Here we go.

So I want to tell you about the time Mormons came to my door to spread the word of Jesus Christ for the first time. I was a 13 year old kid. You knock on the door. Hello sir, can we please talk to you about our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ? Really, get the fuck out of here. They're like, no, we have to.

Plus, he's watching. Like, all right. Here's my mom. You know, they always ask for the parent. My mom's like the most Jewish lady ever. She comes to the door. Hello boys, how can I help you? They're like hello miss, can we talk to you about Jesus? Follow me. I do have a pile of leaves,

two rakes, and a trash can. If you please clean the leaves, I'd love to listen to you talk about Jesus. And they did. And they mowed the lawn, and they cleaned out the garage and they came back. I think my mom was the only person on our little town abusing, I mean, listening to these kids. It was great. They were doing the Lord's work and my work. I didn't have to do chores for months. All right, thanks, guys.

All right, Adam Mitchell. Okay. Hi, Adam. Hey, Adam. Hey, Tony. How's it going? Good, how are you? Good, this is a magical night for you.

This is a dream come true. Your wife was pulled out of the bucket two bucket pulls ago. That's right. In between you guys was a massive black tranny. The only thing separating you guys was a Phoenix provocateur. Seven foot six inch in the air, bohemoth of a lovely lady.

She can dance, she's multi-talented, she left here with a big joke book. Did you see her? Yeah, beautiful. Oh, look at this guy trying to make it in show biz. This guy wants to be in one of his ladies Disney commercials. Absolutely beautiful, Tony. No, I'm kidding.

All right, Adam, welcome, welcome. How's it going? So how do you feel about all this? How do you think that minute went for you? I think it went pretty well. Pretty well. All right, okay, some of those people put that. Some people, that's about the amount of people

that voted for Kamala Harris in the last election. Small percentage. I love it. Adam, tell us something that we don't already know about. What do you do for work again? The blackjack! Oh, Jesus Christ. How could you forget? Oh my God.

You've been doing standup for two years. You started because your girl was kind of doing improv and sketch, right? Yeah, so she started about two years ago. I started about a year ago. Okay. Yeah. Alright and what's the highlight of your comedy career so far? What's the most fun you've ever had doing this? I got to do the Ice House a few weeks ago. In Pasadena? Mm-hmm that's right. That was a lot of fun. And how long did you do on that set? I think I did six or seven minutes. Alright and you kept their attention? You kept it

going? Yeah. What other types of things you kept their attention? You kept it going? Yeah, it was a lot of fun. What other types of things did you talk about? You obviously did that Mormon story, because if you're willing to do it in front of millions of viewers, then that's part of it. What else did you talk about? I talk about Mexicans and my big juicy ass.

What do you... Hold on a second here. We're gonna get to that. We're gonna get to that juicy ass. What do you say about Mexicans on stage? I have to know what the most white human being I've ever seen in my life. A guy who lives in a Danish, super white community,

now LA, but okay, what is it? I mean, it is in Southern California, so I got a ton of Mexican friends and people I admire, and they're just super prideful people. Yeah, you sound like me after the Trump rally. This is great. I have a lot of Latino friends. My band's Latino.

Everyone's Latino. That's the white-ish shit. Yeah. I have tons of friends. They're great admirable people. Don't say that. I love taco salad. All great admirable people. Yeah. Who says that? I love taco salad. All right, all right.

OK, so what do you say about the Mexicans on stage? So Mexico only has one gas station, Pemex. And Mexicans love to put Pemex stickers on their car. And you never see anybody with an Arco sticker. But you'll see Americans with NASA stickers, an Arco sticker. But you'll see, you know, Americans with NASA stickers. It's a cool government agency. They went to the moon, allegedly. So what Mexicans, I guess, are thinking is, you know, Pemex may not get us to Mars, but

it will get us across the border. You say I'm doing deep cuts? Yeah. You ever had a Toberlone before? You fucking animals? You say I'm doing deep cuts? Yeah. You ever had a toberloin before? You fucking animals? This guy's talking about Mexican wah-wahs. What the fuck?

Get Phoenix back out here, god damn it. Some eye candy. Oh, my goodness. Oh, my goodness. Oh, my goodness. OK, so, Adam, let's talk about your your actual life some more. Your childhood normal. You do anything weird. What's going on with you? Raised by my single mom was one of the only Jews in our little town. You know, regular kids would ask me

if Jews celebrated Thanksgiving every November. You know, just normal. Yeah. You're not from the town where your wife is, right? Yeah, we're from the same town where high school sweethearts. Man. Wow. One of the only Jewish families in a Danish and Finnish area?

Yeah. Oh, shh. Wow. Was that rough for you? Was there a lot of anti-Semitism, as you guys call it? I mean, I got called... I mean, I got called...

I mean, I got called... I mean, I got called... I mean, I got called... I mean, I got called... I mean, I got called... I mean, I got called... I mean, I got called... I mean, I got called...

I don't know what's going on. Was there? I mean, you get called Jew here and there, but I do it right back, you know? Yeah, that would qualify. Yeah. How did they say it? What was the meanest?

Anybody do an impression of the guy that was the meanest? OK, so I think people expected me, since I was Jewish, to be smart in class. So they'd copy my work and just get it all wrong. So one day, the kid behind me would like sneak over after he failed the test because I also failed it and he'd just go, Jew! Wow.

He wasn't wrong. Yeah. Yeah, he got that right, yeah. Wow. All right. How's your single mom doing? Oh, she's great. She just retired.

She paints murals at the school she retired from. Yeah, she's an artist. Okay, very nice. And what exactly are you doing on the supply chain? I just make sure everything gets made and gets to the warehouse before it's supposed to launch. That's what I would say if you asked me what supply chain management is.

Yeah. Yeah, that seems like the most basic answer humanly possible. Yeah. Wow, my goodness. Adam, one last question. What scares you? What are you scared of?

What am I scared of? Well, I'm a bit, I love cars, so I think dying in a car accident because I drive a lot, I love cars, so I think dying in a car accident because I drive a lot, I love cars, so probably dying in a car accident, driving too fast and being too reckless. Do you drive fast? What kind of car do you have? I have an BMW 328. It's nothing crazy, but...

Whoa. It's 14 years old. Yeah, it's sick. You are Jewish, yeah. Wow. And you're inside of a 14-year's sick. You are Jewish, yeah. Wow. And you're inside of a 14 year old. It has a gas leak. It has a gas leak? Oh, okay, that's an attempted a Jew joke.

I see. Psst, psst, psst, psst. Wow. All right, well, you and your girl can take your two tiny jokebooks and make a big one out of it if you try hard enough. There he goes, Adam Mitchell. We're having fun here.

Everything's right on schedule. Hey guys, what you're listening to currently, this is a commercial promoting the Pete and Sebastian show. This podcast chronicles the life of Pete Corrielli, comedian, writer, actor, and myself, Sebastian Maniscalco. What are your credentials? Fucking De Niro movies. My credentials are this cast.

Ha ha ha ha ha. It's a show like no other. Yes, we do have amazing banter together, but you know what we just implemented right now? We implemented guest such as? Yeah, we yeah we had freaking Jay Leno Bill Burr the great Andy Garcia Jake Johnson I mean come on the list goes on this is cutting-edge comedy coming direct to you in your headphones we will see you there thanks for listening to the Pete and Sebastian show.

Hello there and this podcast is sponsored by ZipRecruiter. Guys, I love working in podcasting. I love having my own show, getting to do this in the best comedy club in the world with amazing guests. I'm feeling grateful. If you're doing what you love to do, there's nothing better than being surrounded by people who love it as much as you.

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Again, that's ZipRecruiter.com slash KillToni. ZipRecruiter, the smartest way to hire. That's an exciting time. Make some noise for your next bucket poll. His name is Javier Ramirez, everyone. Javier Ramirez. Hello, everybody. Hello, world.

Good to be here. OK, let's talk about it. Contrary to popular belief, I have not yet gone through puberty. I am puberty. That is my favorite way to say I say, I go inside a teenager's, huh? Who's with me? No? Oh, no.

But, yeah, I just moved back to America. Very happy about that. It's cool to see slimy people sell everything, even kids. So, uh, wonder what a commercial would let. Uh, yeah. Come on down. We're running a sale on new children with features such as feistiness and easy disposability. Ooh.

Call now or visit our website, theclintonfoundation.org. Yeah. Do you guys like impressions? All right, here's one. I have a pussy, I promise. Uh... That's Michelle Obama. Usually I'm not good at those, but that one is spot on.

All right. Thank you. Hell, but that one is spot on. All right. Thank you. Hell yeah. Javier Ramirez closing with his best joke. Always a smart move. Erases the memory of all the creepy shit you talked about before.

Yeah. I do love kids. Okay. Oh no. Go ahead. No, sure. If you're going to be creepy, go right ahead. Gives us something to work with.

How you doing, huh? How are you? You've been on this show before. Yes, once and I was on with Matt Reif, yeah. Okay, absolutely. It's been fun, good to see you guys, huh? Yeah. Hey buddy, how are you?

Good, doing good. Good, doing good. Yeah, I'm not nervous at all. Oh yeah, what's going on? Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. All right, all right. So, what do you do for work? So I work in tech, but I'm really trying to. Yeah.

I'm sorry. Keep going. And you're really hoping to what? Just do more voiceover. So I'm more comedy. I've been doing a lot of comedy and I love it. My God, am I enamored with it. Yeah.

I just moved back to America. So I'm very happy to like bomb, you know, just being here is the dream. Yeah, it seems like you'd be very good at voiceover. It seems like you would be good at that. Well, thanks. Have you done anything? What have you done? Yeah.

I have friends that work over at Disney, if you need some... Yeah. I love the Jews. Okay. You know. Getting word you were just hired by Disney. Congratulations.

There you go. It's all happening for you. I'll come at us trans, I'll do it. Yeah, just like regular commercials and like IVRs and like dumb stuff, it's just like, it's a weird industry now, you know? So comedy is really where it's at, you know? I feel like, I don't know.

Can you say, hold on a second. Hold on. Can you say, uh, um, this is a brand new episode of Kill Tony, live from the Comedy Mothership. Ladies and gentlemen, Tony Hinchcliffe. This is a brand new episode of Kill Tony, live from the Comedy Mothership, here in Austin, Texas. Yeah, I kind him. Yeah.

Yeah. Do you know how to press random buttons any at inopportune times? This is incredible. Yeah. Yeah. This is incredible. Holy shit.

This is amazing. Oh, here we go. I'm coming for you. Yeah. Heart noise. All right, all right. That's what he does. He's the best in the business, but I'm coming for you. Heart noise, all right, all right. That's what he does. He's the best in the business,

but I'm coming for you fatty. Whoa, oh my goodness. Oh, oh my goodness. Oh my goodness, Rachel. Oh, oh, oh, look out. Roasted, all right. Got my ass. Javier, what do you do for fun?

Well, really I do a lot of like hang out at comedy clubs, come see shows, go swimming, harass people, I don't know. Where do you go swimming at? What kind of swimming is this? Are you the guy drowning gay guys in the river? Yeah. Come on over here, let's go for a swim, my little friend. Lot of deep strokes.

No one's going to hear you scream. I'm Mufflin, baby, you know. But yeah, mostly a lot of comedy. I'm always out of Creek and hanging out, you know. Okay. A lot of comedy. When did your voice start to sound? How old were you when your voice started sounding like that?

I was about 15. It was very confusing. Did not really know what to do. How long have you been a ghost? Yeah. Get out. Ooh. Ooh. There you go.

You know, I was definitely creepy from before that. So you know. What was creepy before that? Everything about it. Yeah. You look like if AI made a pedophile. Oh, thank you. I earned this mustache, I'll tell you that right now. He's only got four fingers.

Shit. It's a deep cut. Wait, what, really? Why? That's from the Graham Norton show, right? Trying to expand to European markets here. I love it. Javier, do you have a girlfriend? I'm fucking. What are you fucking exactly, Javier?

No, I'm actually, I haven't kissed anybody here. Yeah, very funny. No, I'm not. It haven't kissed anybody here. Yeah, very funny. All right. No, I'm not, it's hard to date here in Austin. There's a bunch of whores around, you know? Well, that doesn't make any sense. That would mean that it's easy to date. Well, yeah, you know, it's been fun,

but you know, I really want to, you know, traditional. You know, I just moved back from Costa Rica, so it's like, I want one that I could talk to, you know what I mean? What? What do you mean? I don't you what do you mean I don't know what you know it's it's just that he's white no no no I love I love the whites I love all of them you know it's just fun it's just like it's a dating city know, so it's not really, I'm trying to, what? What?

Ha ha ha. You're, this part, you've had answers for everything up until this part right here. Yes. What's a date with you like? What is, what's going on here? I bomb a lot. No, it's fun.

I like to, you know, have fun with them and then. Ha ha ha. He sounds like he's never talked to a girl before. Yeah, this is freaking me out. I talk to him and we go swimming? Yeah. I think we should make this guy sweat. Let's do a little segment on a date with Heidi, everybody.

Heidi, we've done this before. There's nothing like watching a nervous man who's not good at dating look Look Heidi directly in the eyes. Heidi, grab that microphone right there. Let go of her hand, you freak. A little bit smoother than I thought he'd be. Very high. All right, let's get the lighting right for this, guys.

This is a little date session. There you guys are. Good to see you, Javier. You look fantastic, Heidi. How are you? Muchas gracias. I'm so good. Mucho gusto, mi amor.

Good to see you. So what do you like to do usually when you're not with Tony? I like to dream about being with Tony. Oh yeah. Do you like to read books? Do you listen to books? I do. I do both actually.

I listen and I read books. I would love to read to you, baby. Let me tell you. With that voice, you can tell me literally anything. Yeah, you like smart Well, do you I don't know what is smuts well, I've come to realize you guys What you're reading is horrible terrible things. I don't know. What do you like to read Heidi? I like to read You really are bad at this, Javier. This is absolutely incredible.

A lot of two questions at a time. Do you read books? Do you listen to books? Yeah, just one thing at a time, please. A lot of Dostoyevsky philosophical books. All right, Heidi, we get it. You're smart, too. Don't show off.

Heidi is smart. Make it about Javier, Heidi. Make it about Javier. J. Make it about Javier. Yeah. Javier, we're gonna give you another shot. Let's pretend like you're deeper into the date, right? You guys have already eaten. The waiter just asked if you guys want dessert.

She wanted cheesecake. He walks away. Now you're planning your next move. Javier, what do you say to Heidi? Look her directly in the eyes. Do not break eye contact with Heidi. Heidi, you do not have to touch him during this thing. Really got into it there.

The waiter walks away and action. So, do you like a dark spirit? Jesus Christ, can you think of anything creepier to say? Jesus fucking Christ, Javier. Do you like it when ghosts crawl out from under your bed? Are you into worms by any chance? Please don't take me to Lady Bird Lake. Oh no, baby.

You're going straight in a barrel. All right. Sorry, I'm sorry about that. I'm barrel. All right. I'm sorry about that. I'm sorry. All right. I'm trying so hard, Javier. I'm trying to get you to close strong. Let's try it again.

Dessert order taken. Waiter walks away. And action. Do you like Latin men? Latin men, have you ever been with a Latin man? Si, por supuesto. Ah, I see. Very passionate lovers, you do know that, yes? Hey, shut up my beans.

All right, keep it on the fucking date, keep it on the fucking date. Yeah. What is it about a Latin man that you find attractive? I like the passion. Yes. Yes. I like the language, I love the language.

That is correct. I love the voices. Oh, yeah We all sound like this. Yes Hopefully, oh, yeah Well, you know, I love I have a studio if you want to go check it out, you know We could record or do so what sort of studio are we talking here? I do audio stuff. Do you like books? Alright Heidi get out here. He's short-circuiting I do audio stuff. Do you like books? All right. Heidi, get out of here. He's short circuiting.

All he can talk about is books. How about a hand for Heidi, everybody? A lot of people don't know this. Heidi speaks like 11 languages. She's like the fucking Hans Landa of this show. I've spoken with Heidi. She's very smart.

I don't really like to say that. Wait, what'd you say? I think you worked with Heidi. Yeah, well I spoke to Heidi before, when I did the show I spoke to Heidi more. You spoke to Heidi? Yes. Okay.

Yes. Did you say you worked with Heidi? No, no, no, after the Kill Tony from last time. Right. Just spoke. Oh, how you guys on doing, huh? I'm sorry. You should be, you could be just a lot more relaxed. It's unbelievable what women do to you.

What happened to you? Did someone, was someone bullied? Were you bullied by a woman or something? You're not here my set, come on now. No, I love women. I'm trying to do it. He, I love women. Uh... Uh... I'm trying to do it.

He's like a robot. This is me in the mirror before going to work. I love women. You're a man, and you love women. Yes. You're a real man, and you love women. You're a good comedian and a good friend. Yeah.

Jesus, dude. Who knew the movie phone guy was such a creep? Coming this summer, me. All right. Why don't you just tell me how you want me to murder you? Yeah. Javier, you get a little joke book lesson. I got a little one last time. There you go, and that remains the same.

Doing it. Javier Ramirez, everybody. Whoo! What the fuck was that? Put that in the mic stand, Javier. Jesus Christ. My bad on that. What kind of Ramirez doesn't finish the job?

Put the mic where you found it. Put it on the X, you crazy bastard. This fucking diva over X, you crazy bastard. This fucking diva over here. You can't close with a woman or a set. Javier Ramirez. Ladies and gentlemen, we have another, not even a regular, not a golden ticket winner.

He's always been a special utensil, a very polarizing figure. You know, word is, is that the people on the internet don't like him. People in live crowds love him, it seems. We can't really, he's one of the most polarizing figures in the history of the show. Here, with a new minute, make some noise

for the long-awaited return of Uncle Lazer. -♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,'re fucking a fat bitch, it means you're a broke bitch, okay? Y'all might as well call me Section 8 housing, all right? Because I love a thick bitch. Where my thick bitch is at? I can hear your mouth breathing. Calm down, I can hear your mouth breathing. All right, I like a bitch built like a nose tackle, like a Warren Sapp.

They said, where y'all meet? I said, in the fucking A-Gap, of course. That's where we met, right? I once met a thick Mexican bitch at a quinceana the other day. It's a Mexican birthday party, okay? She was sitting there looking like Nacho Libre. I said, hello. How you doing, darling? She was breastfeeding a 7-year-old.

Which I thought that was a little old-in-age to be doing all that, but la familia, you know? Whatever. But she had that second titty out just blowing around in the breeze. I said, now who's that for? I went in there and got me a little suckle. That shit tasted like horchata.

I love her very much. My name's Uncle Lazer, y'all been great. Wow, Uncle Lazer. Showing growth, showing improvements. A grower, a grower, a grower. He just keeps growing while still being five feet, one inch high. Okay, dude.

Grew up by a power plant. I'm built like a Clydesdale. Something like that. Something like that. I loved it, man. Pure momentum through the whole set. Where are my thick ladies at? A lot of them in the back.

There was a lot of them back there. A lot of noise in the darkness. A lot of ladies like, please, not near the front, not near the front. You could tell the back went wild for the thick ladies. How's it going, Uncle Lazer? Going good, she brought Phoenix up here and said that I had sex with her. I was fucking.

She claims to be with an oil man. I was in the back going, no bitch, no! Not in front of them! Yep. But listen, you get them bottom-less mimosas at the fucking drag brunch, and you get them boys dressed up like girls up there dancing Lady Gaga's I Was Born This Way, and I'm like, were you really?

You know, and I'm just like, what's happening? So... Whoo! Uh, laser! Oh, my goodness. So... Whoo! Laser! Oh, my goodness. Pure momentum right now. This could be his greatest performance yet, everybody. I could tell.

I've seen him have moments like this before. This is we are going to relapse tonight, Laser 101. I've seen it before. All it takes is a few minutes on this show for him to lose control of his entire life. I am not kidding, by the way. It's funny, because it's true, and he knows it. This is one of those moments where right now,

he's just thinking about pure cocaine. With that being said, if anybody's got a grandma, she'll have to show on the bathroom. Wow, look at that. Have you guys seen Laser before? I haven't. This guy's... I mean, I've seen your clips and stuff. You're fucking awesome, dude. Who doesn't like him? That's crazy.

I mean, the fucking powerhouse. What the fuck? Yeah, I'm just... I'm actually gay. Amazing. Amazing. Amazing. I did, I just want to say one thing. Santa Fe, New Mexico? No, uh-uh. Fuck you. Went down there for a ski trip, had $1,500 worth of Uncle Lazer merch, and them fucking homeless fucking tore the camper off the back of my truck to hold my goddamn merch.

Wait, there's a bunch of homeless people wearing Uncle Lazer merch right now? Can we get some fuckin' fans in Santa Fe, New Mexico to go around to the alleyways and take some pictures for us? Please, I need this so badly. Please tag Uncle Lazer and Kill Tony Show and Red Band. Please. It's a serious matter.

Can we please get it returned? Red Band is already looking at the satellite cameras in Santa Fe, New Mexico. We're trying to zoom in. We could not be more excited. I don't know if these homeless people know that they can afford Uncle Lazer merch. It's very available. The prices are ridiculously low. Yeah.

I woke up the next morning, I'm like, I'm fine in this shit because they stole my snowboarding gear and shit, too. I went down there to an encampment, and Polly sure was down there teaching them magic tricks. I'm pretty sure he's building a fucking army. We need to watch out for him, you know, but. Hey, he's fucking, I hate them fucking homeless. I wish we could hunt them like deer. I mean, it's a tax system, it's ethical.

You get two homeless and one bicyclist each year. I mean, I don't even run red lights. I just throw fucking batteries at them. I fucking hate them. I love it. What kind of batteries? AAA? D batteries, thank you. Wow, wow AAA? D batteries. Thank you, man. Wow. Wow.

The heavy batteries. Actually, nine volts. Fuck them. We'll hit them. Heavy duty. Yeah. Heavy duty. I love it, Lazer. And what's your love life like right now? I got a woman down from Buffalo.

We just got one of those stripper dogs. Is it a buffalo? Is that what you said? No, a little French bulldog. Oh. Oh, the woman I'm dating? Yeah. No, she's a doctor. Is it a buffalo? Is that what you said? You're fucking... No, a little French bulldog. Oh. Yeah. Oh, the woman I'm dating? No, she's a doctor. She's a doctor?

Yeah. Oh my God. Whoa. What a dumb ass. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Because I'm not a doctor, you know what I'm saying? Wow.

What did I just... I'm guessing she's a proctologist? What's that? Yeah. Specializing assholes." -"Ha-ha-ha!" She's got a lot of work on her hands. -"Oh, shit. Yeah, no, we're hanging out.

I thought I had cancer the other day." -"Uh-huh." -"Colon cancer. It runs in my family, but, uh, like, my shits kept coming out like crooked, right? Like, um, and they have, like, a little groove in them. And I was like, like, you know, we got, like, when you go to McDonald's, you get, like, the McFlurry, and they do the, like, and it makes that little spin motion.

They're coming out like that, and I was like, I'm finally, I've been doing the coffee enemas. Where you... Ah. Okay. One of them coffee beans got lodged in there, motherfucker. It wouldn't break loose. Wow. Wow.

Absolutely. That's why I'm dating a doctor, that's why. So, you know. Incredible, incredible. And she's a doctor, she lives here now? She's a physical, or a, uh, she's got a medical degree. I don't quite know what she does. I love it.

Seems like you're a very good listener back at home. Ha ha ha ha. All right, Lazer. I mean, unbelievable set. You have this, uh... You've taken this pro-wrestling energy, throwback, and you've only been doing it how long? January was three years full-time. Three-year veteran of the game, Uncle Lazer.

Thank you, guys. Learn to love it. He is coming to your town. People of New Mexico, go to Santa Fe, take pictures. Anyone who gets me pictures of homeless people wearing Uncle Lazer merch gets a, I don't know what, something, something. We'll figure it out. He's fantastic. Just know, you'll bring me great joy.

Okay, we having fun out there, huh? Make some noise for your next bucket pull. It is Colin Sledge. Colin Sledge, everyone. Here we go. Thank you. So I used to work at the mall at Express. One time these two ladies went in the same fitting room. And when that happens, apparently you're supposed to say, I'm sorry, they only allow one person

at a time in the fitting rooms. But what I said was, oh, yeah. ["Oh, yeah." in English, then in English, then in English.] In my head, it was really quiet, you know, but they said I shouted it. I always say the wrong thing, you know? Like, I was hooking up with this girl, and she was like, you know, talk dirty to me. And I was like, what do you want me to say? I'll just say whatever you want me to say. Just tell me what to say. And she was like, just know, talk dirty to me. And I was like, what do you want me to say? I'll just say whatever you want me to say.

Just tell me what to say. And she was like, just make me feel like a slut. I was like, you're such a slut, you're having sex with me. And at the end, she was like, did you even come? I was like, fisted you? No, so why are you talking shit? Did you even come? I was like, fisted you?

No, so why you talking shit? Oh, okay. Fuck yeah, Colin Sledge. I love it. You're your own thing. You got your own voice, your own in who you are. Fucking amazing. How long you been doing stand-up?

I'll call it three years. Amazing. Where at? Houston, always Houston. Okay, you still live in Houston? We'll call it three years. Amazing, where at? Houston, always Houston. Okay, you still live in Houston? Yeah, I live in Houston. Amazing, is that where you were born and raised? Yes, born and raised. I love it, what do you do for a living?

I'm a piano teacher. Amazing, I love it. It makes perfect fucking sense. You have your own rhythm, you do look like you play the organ at a haunted house. This all makes perfect sense. I love it. Guys, Colin Sledge, can you believe what you're seeing?

He fucking killed, that was fantastic, man. Congratulations. Killed it. Thank you. He is a creepy motherfucker, but he's funny. Yeah. Yeah. Fucking like... I feel like birds go quiet when you walk into the park.

I mean, man. My friends say I have resting serial killer face. Yes. They're imaginary. Yeah. Okay. My friends in my head say... Yeah. Okay. My friends in my head say,

wow, Colin, you are your own thing. Dude, the way he looks at you like a bird, it's crazy. His head turns fully around. Where's the camera? Where's my camera at? Straight out there, there's one over there. What the fuck? They're everywhere. It's wild that there's not a red light on that one in the back. Is there one back there?

What do you, we cover up the red light? That's weird. Okay. All right. So Colin, what does a guy like you, scary as fuck, what does a guy like you do for fun when you want to let loose a little bit? What part of the, what does a guy like you do for fun when you want to let loose a little bit?

What part of the woman's body do you like to eat first? Yeah. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Okay. What cemetery do you live in? What do you like to do for fun? What would surprise us about you? What would surprise you about me? I quit comedy for eight years and I just sort of got back six months ago. Unbelievable. What made you quit eight years ago?

I just wanted to like do something with my life. What made you quit eight years ago? I just wanted to, like, do something with my life. What did you end up doing with your life? Not very much. That's why I came back. Wow. Look at you. Unbelievable. So what else? Tell me more about you.

What do you... I mean, you want to let your hair down and not more about you. What do you, when you wanna let your hair down and not be so creepy, what do you do? What do you do for fun? I hang out after open mics. That's a lot. You hang out with other comedians?

Yeah. I love it. And other than that, like other than comedy? So when they diagnosed me with autism. There it is. There it is. You had to get a diagnosis for that? Yes.

I think he would have done that over the phone, dude. He was still in the car. He pulled in, they're like, you got it. You got it, keep going. Yeah. He pulled in in reverse. Buddy, we're not even gonna charge you to copay. You got enough fucking problems.

Yeah, they could tell in high school just the other kids, but I had to pay a lot of money and I didn't get diagnosed until I was like 27 or something. But yeah, they had me go to like an autistic support group, but I was... Just a bunch of guys staring at the wall. I was too high functioning for that. Okay. You were? I was the most charismatic guy there. Jesus Christ.

Must have been a real who's who. Yeah. And uh... So... I had to find, like I was too high functioning for the autistic people and not high functioning enough for the normal people so I started doing open mics and those are sort of- That's perfect, yeah.

Yeah, bridges the gap. Amazing. Thank you. Amazing, Colin. Good dresser. Sharp, sharp kid. I worked at the mall. You did?

Wow, what did you do at the mall? I yelled at ladies going in changing rooms. Oh, that's right. That was part of my set. Yeah, yeah, I remember now. I remember now. For some reason, I pictured you, like, in the middle, like, with, like, sunglasses or something. Yeah, he's got a real kiosk vibe.

Yeah. Not main store. Yeah. I wasn't much for the customer service aspect. You don't say. I liked just cleaning, you know. Cleaning. Yeah, folding shapes. Ah, yeah.

Folding is good for you. I don't even think he worked, he just went to Express and they let him fold the clothes. Does this fucking guy work here? Shh. I'm busy. Yeah. Wow, how else do you flex your autism?

The piano stuff and those. You know, and we've never, I don't think we've ever done this before in the history of this show. But John, I mean, this is a one in a billion snag right here. I don't know how fucking blatantly he can get out. He'll get out just fine. He'll climb somewhere. Matt'll let him out.

D, is it, I mean, John Dee's, is it okay if we let this fucking virtuoso step in for a second? I think he's asleep right now, everybody. Ladies and gentlemen, put that mic in the mic stand there, Colin. And, uh... Myself, yes. And, uh... Yeah.

Wow, Dee's is furious, this fucking poor sportsmanship over here. My God. Shut the fuck up. Come on. Dee, all right. Yeah, make sure it's the piano. Last thing we need is him fucking freaking out and screaming because it comes out like a violin or something.

Oh, it's a violin. It's a violin. There he goes. Colin looking very uncomfortable as a blind man walks by. Okay, yeah, he's blind, yeah. All right, ladies and gentlemen, we never, ever, ever let anyone touch our amazing band leader, John Deez's piano. But I have to know what's going on with the stylings.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is the musical debut. And just let him play. Let's not back him up, all right? Let's just let, let's just feel the flow of the stylings of Colin Sledge, everyone. Here we go. Okay, this is the only thing I've memorized. I mean, you can play anything you want.

This is the only thing I've, okay. Chuck Stiff. Hey, what is this Charlie Brown shape? Can I have a piano? I mean, you can play anything you want. This is the only thing I'm... Okay. Charlie Brown's shape. Can I have a piano? Yeah. Deez has set... John Deez has set you up for failure. He wants to be the only good piano player.

He's literally one of the most profitable musicians in Austin, but he has never played. ["The Most Profitable Musician in Austin"] ["The Most Profitable Musician in Austin"] ["The Most Profitable Musician in Austin"] ["The Most Profitable Musician in Austin"] ["The Most Profitable Musician in Austin"] ["The Most Profitable Musician in Austin"] ["The Most Profitable Musician in Austin"] Can you play something you don't have memorized? Everybody's having a good time. I'm not doing that again. I'm not doing that again. I'm not doing that again. I'm not doing that again. I'm not doing that again.

I'm not doing that again. I'm not doing that again. I'm not doing that again. I'm not doing that again. I'm not doing that again. I'm not doing that again. I'm not doing that again. I'm not doing that again.

I'm not doing that again. I'm not doing that again. I'm not doing that again. I'm not doing that again. I'm not doing that again. I'm not doing that again. I'm not doing that again. I'm not doing that again.

I'm not doing that again. I'm not doing that again. I'm not doing that again. I'm not doing that again. I'm not doing that again. I'm not doing that again. I'm not doing that again. I'm to sustain, okay? You need to sustain. There is a pedal down there. There is? Yeah, there's multiple pedals. Well, I'm not doing that again. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

You're so funny. I feel like the interviews with you could go on forever and ever. Do you feel at home here? Oh, weirdly, yeah, actually. Weirdly, yeah. How much material do you think you have if you had to do a rock-solid great set? Um, well, I kept writing for the eight years,

so I don't know. You have a lot of material. I have a lot of material. Okay, we're gonna do three things here. First of all, Red Band. He lives in Houston. That is correct. That's a 2 1 1⁄2-hour drive, Red Band. If you want to do the secret show Thursday... There you go. There you go. Red Band. He lives in Houston, that is correct. That's a two and a half hour drive, Red Band.

If you want to do the secret show Thursday. There you go. There you go. Thank you. Very good. And I want the talent booker here at the Comedy Mothership to see you. And the open mic here starts in about 15, 20 minutes.

So if you stick around, you're going to get to showcase for the talent booker, the very famous Adam Eaget, booker of here, former booker of the Comedy Store in Los Angeles, former co-host of the Norm MacDonald Show. And I want you to do a guest spot on my show here at the Comedy Mothership. It's a sold out show. It's going to be a lot of fun. Is that okay? Do you have enough, is it driving too much?

I'll make it work. You're gonna make it work. I think you will. That makes sense. But your interviews are so good. I think you should really come back here more. So you know what? I'm gonna give you a golden ticket as well.

Okay? That is just... That's just a level of autism. There's a level of autism missing from this show since Hans Kim is always busy on the road nowadays, and we need someone like you. You're gonna fit in just fine. Congratulations.

Here's the big joke book. Colin Sledge, ladies and gentlemen, has made his Kill Tony debut here. Colin Sledge. He's even got a good name. Dude, look at that. Look at that, look at you. It's amazing.

Amazing. That's it. That guy was fucking great, dude. This lady's going to suck good name. Dude. Look at that. Look at you. It's amazing. Amazing. That's it. That guy was fucking great, dude. This lady's going to suck his cock right now. Just when you think... Just when you think he's got everything going for him. Ooh, this guy's got a good name too. Anything can happen here.

Make some noise for your next comedian. It's Gus Horn, everyone. Gus Horn. Here we go. Oh, all right. -♪ Hey. Good to be here. My name is Gus Horn. I'm 32 years old. I live in Atlanta, Georgia these days.

I don't know if you can tell from my accent, but I am fat. -♪ I've been trying to work, and I've been going to the gym. I got a trainer at the gym. Got so happy losing weight. You know the trainer's like, guys what are your goals in the gym? Do you wanna bulk or do you wanna cut?

I was like, dude, just wanna see my dick again, man. That's without a mirror. That's, I started losing weight recently and people ask, I wanna ask you, how much weight do you wanna lose? What's your goal weight? And I never knew how to answer that because I haven't been small since I was small.

So I don't know. But recently I figured out my goal weight is I want to lose enough weight so that I can go skydiving. I don't know if you guys know there's a weight limit for skydiving and I am too fat for gravity apparently. So that's my goal. I want to go skydiving twice actually. Anybody can go once.

There's no requirement if it's a one-time thing, you know? So... Thank you. Gus Horn. Wow. Welcome, welcome, Gus. Thank you. 31? 32.

32. Yikes. You look great, buddy. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. What have you been doing this whole life that makes you look like a 60-year-old Bosnian veteran, war veteran? Ha ha ha.

Uh, I studied a lot, so that maybe was my... That's not it. What did you study? Cookbooks? Ha ha ha. That too, yeah. I was a nuclear engineer, I used to be. Wow, holy shit. Too much time down at the reactor, huh? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

This is incredible. Where were you a nuclear engineer at? Oh man, I worked in New Jersey for a while and also in Austria, in Vienna, Austria. Wow, is that where that accent comes from? No, I'm Brazilian. Brazilian? Yeah.

Wow, well you look Brazilian years older than you are. That's so stupid. That was a home run, dude. So stupid. That was the best joke I've ever heard. So stupid. Oh, we got D Madness back. There he is. There he is.

There he is. OK. So a nuclear engineer, and you don't do that anymore, huh? My last job was about a year and a half ago, and I've been trying to do comedy full time since then, but I'm running out of money. OK. We'll see.

Wow. So what do you think is going to happen? What's happening, Gus? Tell us about it. You left a major, serious, safe, secure engineering job in order to chase your dreams of being a stand-up comedian. Tell us about the process of that. Well I started comedy when I was about to finish my masters about eight years ago and then I figured if I had spent all that money and time studying I would do that for a little while while I did

comedy and then I last job I had I was able to save a little bit of money so I been trying to do it full-time the last year and a half and where do you do it at how often do you get to perform mostly in Atlanta pretty much every day but I've traveled all over I've done it over 20 countries you've done stand-up in 20 countries you speak different languages Portuguese and English but mostly you do a joke in Portuguese for us? How long of a joke do I... Just 20 seconds. You can really say anything, we don't know what it is.

I just want to know what it's saying. I'm going to tell you something funny, okay? One, two, three, you can laugh. You guys could be a fucking act together. A groundbreaking new comedy act. Stage breaking too. That's right. Absolutely. So Gus Horn, unbelievable. You were born in Brazil? I was born in Washington, D.C., but my parents moved back when I was a baby,

and I lived there until I was 16. Okay. Horn, not a Brazilian name, right? It's one of my last names. It's like from the German side, but my last name is Pereira. So, okay. Okay as in Alex Pereira Yeah, wow, and is he part of your family? Unfortunately? No, it's the most common is one of the most common last names in Brazil Yeah, I know

And then there's the horns what are the were you're a little bit German? Yeah, I think it's from the German before, like the, before what you're thinking of, yeah. Wait, what did the Germans do? What did you guys do? There is a little horn. There's a horn. There it is.

Okay, anything ever go wrong when you were nuclear engineering? You ever have a little fucking, uh, little, uh, what was that, uh, Chernobyl situation? I worked in decommissioned power plants, so they were shut off already, but, uh, when I was doing an internship, there was a guy who got caught growing weed inside the power plant. Whoa.

Uh, dude, uh, fucking, this weed is, uh, the bomb, man. This shit is fucking nuclear, man. I can't even imagine. Did you get to try some of this weed? I didn't know him. It was just like a rumor in the office, but yeah. Wow. I mean, that batch had to be crazy.

That is amazing. Nobody tried it, just a rumor? Yeah, I mean, that batch had to be crazy. That is amazing. Nobody tried it, just a rumor? Yeah, I mean, maybe. You gotta love a rumor like that, I mean. We love rumors. So, Gus, what's your love life like? Oh, man, I became single about 10 days before Valentine's Day of last year.

Aw. Okay. So, that's... How did that happen? How did you become single? We got our puppy together and then we broke up two weeks later. So- Oh my God. Amazing.

Who brought the puppy home? Was it your idea? We got it delivered. What? Uber Eats. Yeah. You got a puppy delivered? How did this happen?

I was living in Austria and there was a breeder in Hungary and so they brought it over. Wow. And then, yeah, she kept the dog. What kind of dog? An Australian Shepherd. Okay.

He's cute. He's nice. What was his name? Charlie. Oh, poor Charlie. He has an Instagram. He does? Do you look at the Instagram? From time to time. There's only one picture. Oh, OK.

And it's sad for you to see Charlie, isn't it? I saw him a couple months ago. I went back to where I used to live, and we met up for a couple times. So I saw the dog, yeah. Oh, nice. Did you bang her? That was my next question.

Did you bang her? Not the dog? No, no. I'm not poor innocent Charlie, but your ex, no? No. Was the puppy kind of like a way to try to save the relationship, you think? We had a lot of issues before, for sure. Yes, it was a bad decision, but it seemed good at the time.

Okay. Have you been with a woman since that woman? Not seriously, but I mean, one-offs, yeah. Okay. Physically, you have. Yes, yes. How about... Oh, there's Charlie. Charlie's... Charlie's calling into the show right now. Charlie, we're here with your former owner, Gus Horn.

Uh, Charlie, do you miss... Do you miss Gus at all? Whoa, Jesus Christ. Jesus, Charlie, you're out of control. This fucking dog is one. Oh my god. All right. All right. That's enough. Hang up on Charlie. Okay. When you said one off, she meant one night stands, right? That's what you meant? Yeah. Okay. I've never heard of put

like that before. That's my foreigner. Where do you where do you find these girls? Folka de chow? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah he thinks Brazil is. Where do I find them? On dating apps.

You're right. I know. Just picturing meat being cut off in front of you. As a Brazilian, when you were done with the relationship, did you just flip your coin over to let her know that you weren't down for anything? I put it on red, yeah. Yeah, there you go. Or back to green, actually.

So these girls, where do you work? Did I ask you where you find them at, where you meet them at? Mostly Hinge. Right, OK, so it's apps. So like the most recent date that you went on, this was in Atlanta? No, this was in Austria when I was visiting her.

In Austria. So like what do you do with a woman in Austria? What does a guy like Gus Horn do with a woman on a date from a dating app? Do you just have her come straight to your place? No, I took him to see my show and then... A comedy show? Yeah. Smart.

Yeah. And then what happened? Then we got drinks and then we went back to the place. That's right. You get him laughing. Yeah. A couple drinks. What do you like to do? And then I apologize.

What was that? Is that you? You have Fiona's laugh saved on a keyboard? Oh my God, that's amazing. Hold on. Wait till it gets quiet. I want to hear it one more time. Right now.

Just hit the button. That is incredible. This is amazing. I've been trying to get Red Band to add new sound effects for 13 years. Deez is back there just with his own secret collection. What else do you have back there? Anything else?

You just saved Fiona's laugh. I love that. Hit it, hit it one more time. Ah ha. Is amazing. Ah ha. Is amazing. Ah ha. Oh, you guys gotta do like a remix with that. You gotta put that into a song.

That belongs somewhere. Could play it at her funeral. Oh, come on, shut up. Shut up. She's inevitably going to die. There you go. See, she thinks it's funny. Assholes.

She has an incurable disease. Am I not supposed to joke about it? All right. Gus, you are a very, very funny man. Congratulations. Thank you very much. How long you been in Austin, Texas for? I'm supposed to leave tomorrow, but I don't have a job so I can change things around. Where are you going to go? Atlanta? Yeah.

And what's your setup in Atlanta? You have an apartment, a house? Staying with my parents for a little while. Oh, staying with the parents? Oh damn, there's a fucking gold digging bitch that's furious in the back. Here's a big joke book, Gus. Congratulations. Very funny. Very funny. Gus Horn, ladies and gentlemen. Sign up again sometime, Gus. I got to tell you, this is an interesting name. Some more beers. Oh, it's going down over here.

All right. This is an interesting name. Definitely a first- time bucket pull. Let's see what happens here. This is the Kill Tony debut, no doubt, of Jasper the Disappointing Mime. Jasper the Disappointing Mime. Here he is, everybody. Thank you. Hello, I'm sorry, were you guys expecting a bonger? Well, first of all, that's racist of you.

Just because I'm a mime doesn't mean I'm French, okay? Don't be a mime-ophobe. Wow, the name holds true. I'm French, okay? Don't be a mime-ophobe. Wow. Wow. The name holds true. Jasper, the disappointing mime. At least I don't lie to you guys, all right? Fuck, all right, hold on. You guys wanna see something funny?

Really funny? I mean, okay. All right, hold on, I'm not trusted with anything. Oh. Okay, let's just do the show how we normally do it. Sorry. Your time to do something funny show how we normally do it. Sorry. Your time to do something funny was then. That was it.

Okay. Jasper, first of all, let me remind you that white mimes use more white face paint than you've used tonight. You are blatantly... This is one of the best ways to not get deported I've ever seen. Is by being a mime, white face. Day 58, no one has noticed a thing, honestly. Okay, how long have you been doing comedy, Jasper?

Not that long, actually. That's okay. A few years, a few years. A few years. How long have you been doing the Disappointing Mime Act? Like, six months. Six months. What made you want to switch from being you

to a disappointing mime? I was already disappointing, so I just decided to add something to it. Oh. How'd that get sadder than what just happened? Who told you, who told you you were disappointing before? My family. Wow, this is absolutely incredible.

Did they see you perform? Never. Not once. Okay. So what did you do that made them so disappointed in you? Well, my dad's disappointed that I didn't finish mine college, and my mom's sad that I didn't follow her profession, but I don't have a stripper body, so I can't do that, so... Oh! Hit it. her profession, but I don't have a stripper body, so I can't do that, so. Hit it. Ah. Ah.

Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. I got one laugh, that's good enough for me, guys. That's it. Fiona gets the credit for that.

Yeah, what do you think? Okay. Jasper, what do you do for work in real life? Bartender, because, well, I need a drink otherwise. You know, being up here, just sad. This is the happy me, all right? The other me is sadder. Is that true? Are you trying to be funny?

No, that's true, man. It's... You know, I didn't lose my virginity to that till I was, like, 22. And the only reason that happened is because I got robbed. Wait, what? That's a whole nother story. You don't have time for it. Don't worry about it. Okay. We're gonna keep it moving along here.

Thank you. Appreciate that. There you go. There you go. Oh, we don't? Eh. Let's get one more up here. Why not? Absolutely. I liked it. Now that belongs on the Graham Norton show.

You know, sometimes it's like... Sometimes you have to ask yourself... Oh, they're miming. They're miming music. Wow. They're jamming so hard. Dee's doing it too. Dee gets it. Somehow Dee knows what they're doing.

The absolute fucking synergy of this band is incredible to where the blind guy's like. I do believe that is, as far as I can remember, the first mime that we've ever had on the show. And definitely the first disappointing mime. You gotta like that he owns it. I was gonna ask him to lose the character and do stand-up as himself but it just there's just something

there's a there's a line you walk on this show you know there's a reason why other podcasts don't just pull names out of a bucket. There really is. There's a real fucking reason why that no one no matter how funny or whatever they may be, has the courage to be like, you know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna let anyone sign up. And a big part of the reason why is because every once in a while you get a Jasper

the disappointing mind. Someone in which you're like, wow, is this one day gonna be used as evidence in a federal court? We've only had one bucket pool ever end up being a murder. And, you know, it's true. It's true. There's date lines and everything about it. Gareth Pursehouse. Gareth Pursehouse.

And, yeah. Made a movie about it. Yeah, there's a lot going on. They've only just begun uncovering the great mystery of Gareth Pursehouse, who murdered Drew Carey's ex-girlfriend while, yeah, he got pulled out of the bucket while Drew Carey, in an unbelievable turn of coincidences, was performing upstairs at the Comedy

Store that night. Gareth Pursehouse got pulled out of the bucket in the main room, and then only, I think, a few weeks or a couple months later, after a terrible performance on the show, um, murdered his ex-girlfriend, who was also Drew Carey's ex-girlfriend. Goddamn.

Yeah, Boo is right. Murders are bad, lady. There's a lot of, oh, yes, boo the murderer. Brilliant stuff happening here. I love the heckling from the crowd during a mimes performance, by the way. Gotta give you guys some credit. Guy was ready to kill himself.

Yeah. Doing that. Yeah. Yeah, if anybody sees a little French beret with brains next to it on the sidewalk later. We're gonna know what happened. We are waiting for your final bucket pull of the night. Yeah. Any second now.

Young Colt will be walking through that door. What's the point of having headsets for the producers if he still has to run across the street? I mean, you could, like like just text somebody, right? Yeah, isn't there a better system for this? Is there anything? They're just smiling at us. Yeah, that's great. I love it.

It just keeps. We've had a way better week than last week. It is unbelievable. We are indeed coming off of the episode in which, ah, we all lost count. There was an absolute record setting amount of bucket pulls. We got rid of every little joke book. And, uh... 26, dude.

I mean, like, it would be faster if I got up and walked over and got the person and walked them back. Like, there's headsets, there's walkie talkies, like a high level show. We got a fancy table now, and somehow it takes seven minutes for a... Yeah, here we go. Here it comes.

Any fucking second now. There he is. We need a better system for this. You guys ready for your final bucket full of the night? Yeah! Yeah! Ladies and gentlemen, here it is. Make some noise for Seth Tilly.

Seth Tilly. -♪ -♪ Good morning. I tried to get a job at Goodwill. They turned me down. I couldn't pass the background check. So now I work for the airlines. All kinds of shit goes on there. There's, I walked into the back room. I have a bad filter on my mouth. I walk into the back room and it smells like pot and pussy in the back room.

It was 10 bags that needed to be, you know, just rerouted to Atlanta, Georgia, whatever. And it smelled like pot and pussy. And I want to be respectful, man. I went for another P word. I said, I in, I said, smells like pot and piss. Well, my supervisor looks at me, female, she looks at me and says, it's your upper lip. I look back at her, I told her, she's a lower cunt. Who remembers the movie Deliverance? They make it a sequel, it's called Deliverance.

Okay. All right, I can't believe we waited for that. That was a long wait for. Hi Seth, welcome. How are you? Step up to that mic. How long you been doing standup? April 1st, make a year.

April 1st, we'll make a year. Okay. Speaks in those Southern riddles. Yeah, where are you from? Lake Charles, Louisiana. Lake Charles, Louisiana, absolutely. You like crawfish? Oh, I eat the motherfuckers up, man.

You're goddamn right. Hell yeah, you do. Tis the season. Tis the season around here. It's crawfish season. You sucking heads? I don't suck the heads. It's too metallic.

Too much what? Too metallic. It has a metallic taste. Oh, wow. Yeah. Goddamn, I didn't realize Lake Charles was the fucking pussy farm over there. Hey, but I'm open to a pussy eating contest in Lake Charles.

Okay. Oh yeah. All right. You have some real swagger to you. What do you do for a... Looks like he just came out of a coma. Yeah. He does. He has the swagger of a snowman that just turned into a real human.

What do you do for work? I literally work for the airlines or if not airlines. Really do? Yes, sir. Holy shit. That's why they're dropping out of the sky. Are you a pilot? Oh, no. They're not that dumb.

What do you do for the airlines? Baggage? Baggage, yes. Yep. Absolutely. Working on the old supply line. I love it. Absolutely. And what do you do for fun? You seem like a guy that has a lot of pastimes, a lot of hobbies.

So I had an old Xanax addiction. Okay. How does that start? How does a Xanax addiction start? Well, I can tell you how it stops. At the airport. How does it stop? You can't trust a pill

that you take and you can spell it backwards and it still spells the same name. That's what it wants. I was on 2 milligrams of Xanax, Tony. And uh... I don't know how much that is.

That's the Xanax Bor. And you can break them into four quarters. I call that user friendly. Okay. I'm sure there's some people half asleep cracking up out there on Xanax. People waiting like, I've been waiting. I've been waiting for a Xanax comedian.

So how does it start? My question, my much more interesting question was how does someone start? I'm always my much more interesting question was how does someone start? I'm always so intrigued to know how these things happen. I steer clear of all drugs, except for alcohol, marijuana, and mushrooms a few times a year. In order to not get addicted to anything.

So how does a Xanax addiction start? I've never even, I took melatonin. Like I'll like, I've done that like once. And it was, it's crazy. I sweat, I have crazy dreams. I sleep, slept, walked. I took a half of one the next time. Same exact shit.

I can't do anything. Tell me how a Xanax addiction starts. So you take the pill. Right, but. You get some fucking water. I think he might put it in your mouth. Tony, what are you getting? Yeah. Let's get some Xanthibars and figure this out. You want to know? So you take it and a lot of people it knocks out. Right. Not me. It just puts my ass into an almost sexual feeling. Wait, what?

You know when you used to relieve that life of stress? Did you say a homosexual feeling? He said almost sexual. Almost sexual. Almost sexual. I was going to say, let's get some zany bars. Yeah. But what made you take that?

Was there a lady that's like, you should try one of these? Something like that. That first pill, where do you get it? How do you find it? How do you know you even like it? How do you want it? I caught it, uh, actually, the first time. You caught it?

You caught it like it's a fish? No, more like a catcher's mitt. How long have you been off Zanex? Three hours. Year and a half. Year and a half y'all. Yeah, yeah like like it's a fight. It's a bad fight y'all. The alcohol in Zanex, the beer with it, it's like it's like uh there's a tingling, the feelings, I'm like I'm being like real. Yeah, no I it. Again, that's why I don't try these things because I'm afraid I'll like them. Seems enjoyable.

Yeah, you're a smart man. Uh-huh. Yep. Okay. So what else, Seth? What else have you been doing your whole life? How old are you? I am 38.

Jesus Christ, what is going on tonight? There are a lot of extremely... I'm 17, Tony. Like, what is going on in here? Crawl dads and zannies. It's unbelievable when Red Band looks younger than all the bucket holes. Hey, what would you do for a Xanax, boy? Okay, this guy loves Xanax.

I love it. Fighting it, don't I? Right, you're fighting it right now? Nope. Okay. The sweat on your upper lip tells me different. Yeah. It is incontrovertible.

Hey, that's what she said, Bor. Okay, all right. Okay, with the rest of your life, Seth, what else have you done? You've lived a full life other than Xanax. What have you done? Yeah, I have a master's degree in criminal justice. Yep. Okay.

Yep. I have a hands-on experience, not from the good side. I do computer work, and I actually gave Rayban a... Rayban? Oops. Right? I gave him a firmware update earlier, but he's gonna deny it. But to his phone, yeah.

Wow. This is absolutely incredible what's happening here. It was on Wi-Fi for... He wasn't on 2.6. He knows what I'm talking about. I feel like I'm on Xanax. What the fuck are you talking about? Ram Bam, do you know what he's talking about?

Do you know what he's saying? Shit, I don't know what he's talking about. Shit. You gave me a firmware update and I'm on... Yeah, look, he's checking. It's not gonna show you. It's not gonna tell you that I gave you that update. Come on, though.

What does that mean? Can you explain to us normal people what a firmware update from you would... Yes, he was not on 802.11.ax, and he knows exactly what I'm talking about. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, look at him denying it. Oh, yeah. Look at it. He's checking it. Uh, uh, uh, uh, China. I'm on a VP, yeah. Oh, yeah. Look at him denying it. Oh, yeah. Look at it. Look at it. He's checking it. Uh, uh, uh, uh, trying to...

I'm on a V.P., man. I'm just a computer nerd. I'm fucking with you right there. I'm fucking with you, man. Here's a little joke book, my friend. You're going to... There you go. Caught that. Two disappointing mimes in a row, everybody.

All right. Now, you know, this episode had a lot of momentum early on and slowly, right towards the end, got very sad. And I think there's only one way to end an episode like this. The Jolt us alive one last time with the stylings of the Hall of Famer with the most appearances ever on the show. The most interviews.

He's back and he's redder than ever. This is the Memphis Strangler, the Sioux Falls Folly, the Zanex Zanzibar himself, the Knickerbocker of New York, the Big Red Machine, this is William Montgomery. I feel like we should ramp up President's Day just a notch. Like we should all be forced to kneel on rugs that face the Washington monument and pray to the gods that we elected. So the buzz in Hollywood is they're making a prequel to Cliffhanger and it stars a volcano? Cause volcanoes make mountains at cliff.

Okay, let's keep moving. Fuck. Elon Musk says that millions of people receiving social security payments are between 150 and 200 years old with one person being 360 years old. Red band, I knew your mom was all this shit, but damn! Fuck! Germany is cracking down on hate speech.

Seems a little ironic. Okay, that's my time, Tony. Very cool. 59.99 seconds. Like the man who's done it more than anyone ever. Fuck! I was so close! Do a minute! You nailed it, my friend.

I was so close to a minute, Tony. You are the absolute best, William. One of the most loved human beings in all of the art form. An international superstar, unlike anything we've ever seen or fathomed before. Tony, I felt so bad for the mime guy. He seemed genuinely not to talk about others, but that seemed sad. Tell me about it.

I don't know. It just so sad about it. Tell me about it. I don't know, it just seemed like he was really feeling bad. It seemed like he was really depressed. And I want to say thank God I'm still back off of the Call of Duty KMO grind. And Tony, I've literally, I've been doing the row machine. Guess how many miles, they do row machines in meters, but guess how many miles I've done

since the beginning of February on the row machine? How many? 61. Whoa. I am doing a shit ton. It's wonderful. I'm listening to blues traveler exclusively. It's been a very therapeutic thing for me, Tony. Have you thought about, because we have a very, very beautiful, very famous river here. Have you thought about rowing in real life? I don't know. Well, I've looked up clubs. They have clubs here in town, so maybe one of these days. You don't even need a club. You could just have your thing.

You could just have your thing and go out there. Your canoe. Your kayak. I need to figure out the logistics. You could have your own kayak. You could have a kayak. Yeah. And row. Maybe I'll start kayak. Yeah. And row.

Maybe I'll start doing that. We'll see. I don't know, Tony. I'm figuring it out. Is there something about where is the rower in your house exactly? What part of the? It's not in my house.

It's at a gym. It's at a gym. It's not at my house. Maybe if I can get out of the one bedroom apartment, maybe at some point it's a at my house. Maybe if I can get out of the one bedroom apartment, I'll maybe at some point, it's a dream to get a rowing machine. I get in my car today, Tony, and the fucking volume doesn't work.

I'm trying to listen to some blues traveler. I was gonna listen to Hook on the way over here and the fucking volume's busted on the fucking Volvo. Why? How could that possibly be? How could the volume be busted? I don't know. I was trying. Wow. Now when you say the volume be busted? I don't know. I was trying. Wow.

Now, when you say the volume's busted, does that mean you can hear it a little bit? No, not at all. It wasn't even working at all. Wow. My goodness. So... But when you get to the gym, you put in headphones?

Correct. Yeah, I got the kind that you just put inside of your... Ear. Yeah, that would just put inside of your ear. Yeah, that would be headphones. You can kind of do, it's a good kind to do. Tony, I swear, I don't think I've eaten enough food. I've been burning all these calories. I feel insane, I feel crazy kind of. I had a Clif Bar on the way over here,

but I don't think I've eaten enough. It's not good right now. I feel like I'm sweating, I feel. You do what you are. There is a little bit of perspiration happening. There's a lot of food up in the green room. You didn't want to partake in any of that? No, not ever since it got me sick.

I cannot believe y'all still have that fucking food up there. What do you mean, it got you? I cannot believe y'all still have him bringing the fucking food up. What do you mean, it got you sick? Like a year ago, it got me sick as shit. I ate one of the fucking cheese balls. Don't you kind of always get sick from things? I just ate seven tacos up there.

Yeah, no, I'm kidding. It's pretty good food. It's good. I don't know, I just didn't eat it. Didn't want any of it today. Didn't want any of it. You'd rather be hungry. You'd rather be starving.

What kind of car do you drive, William? Volvo. Okay. That's it, just curious. Save cars, it's a safe kind of car. Is it newer or an older model? Maybe 2012. Okay. Volume don't work?

Volume does not work. Today's the first day that happened. How far is the gym? I feel like now he suspects Foley broke the knob on the volume. How far is your gym? How long is your drive in your car? Ten minutes. Do you drive over the river to go row in your gym? How long is your drive in your car? Ten minutes. Do you drive over the river to go row in a gym?

No. You don't? No. Your gym's on that side of the river? It's over by Inateck. I watched fucking... What is the office space last night? Yeah, it's right by Inateck. It's very close to Inateck. I took a picture outside of the building today.

I did put the timer on my phone, but I'm standing right by the entrance of Inatech. It's very close to Inatech. I took a picture outside of the building today. I did put the timer on my phone, but I'm standing right before the entrance of Inatech. It looks almost the same, too, right? I know. It's so exciting. Have you ever thought about perhaps inviting Red Band with you? Uh, you guys could row together. Can you swim? Yeah.

Yeah, William, a fun fact, he's a superior athlete, a former cycling champion. Motherfucking state champion of Tennessee. I will be honest, there weren't a lot of people in the race, but the state champion of Tennessee. He's very close with Austin's own Lance Armstrong. Yeah, it was wonderful. My mother and I, I don't think I've said this on here,

but my mom and I met him when my mom was helping my brother move to town and we meet Lance Armstrong up there and my mom's talking to him and she's like, yeah, William's dad rides a lot, not as good as you, obviously. And he looks at her and he's like, yeah, no shit. Yeah.

Oh my gosh, it was kind of insane. I love the guy, I still love the guy, but it was insane, nobody was insinuating my sweet father was fucking faster than Lance Armstrong. It was insane I don't normally talk about my personal life on the show very much, but I Golf with Lance Armstrong. That's one of my golf buddies and he is ridiculously competitive Even though he's great at everything. He's still very competitive. So to hear that, to hear that your mom,

the sweet southern little tiny sweet lady, so sweet she's been on this show, one of the great guests are the Montgomery's, the only duo of parents to ever sit on the panel of the show. To hear that she said, well, not as good as you, obviously, is just, I can't even imagine what he must have thought. Just what a stupid piece of shit she is.

In that moment, in that moment, even though I don't think that, I know that he thought that. There's no doubt about it. For sure. Just what a dumb piece of white trash this lady. Stupid woman. Yeah, crazy, crazy thing to say. He's real racist, too. He was saying, Yeah, that stupid woman. Yeah, crazy, crazy thing to say. He's real racist too, he was saying. Yeah, stupid white woman.

He was calling her that. Yeah. That's fun. William, what else is going on before we get out of here? Well, I'm getting, nobody wants to hear this, but I'm getting back on the all-Ram buds because Tony, I've been drinking protein shakes after I work out and I've been going two and three days

without shitting, so I've gotta get back. But it's so weird, Tony, everybody again, be careful. This is really a warning. I used to love the Aubrey and Buds. I was eating them every day for probably a year and then I had to stop, I overdid it. So now I'm looking at it every single morning and I can't bring myself to open up the box.

But I'm gonna have to because I'm now at day two of not shitting. And I ate a bunch of food last night. Wow. Absolutely incredible. This is very, very, very in-depth interview. We should have done her laugh. That was so funny, the laugh you have. Yeah, we could do it right now. Hit it. You haven't shitted in like two days. A one, a two.

A one, two, three, four. Ah! That is an amazing sound effect. Brought to you by Talkspace and Shopify. William, you are the absolute best. You are a legend. Nice to be here, Tony. We love you and we did it again.

These are the R U garbage boys Thank you guys route 66 out now on their YouTube go to YouTube type in R U garbage Truly one of the funniest podcasts two of the funniest human beings R U garbage R U R O U T E six six. There it is. Turn that shit up. Thank you so much everybody. Red band, you wanna say anything?

Check out the secret show at the sunset strip atrip, ATX.com. Love you guys. Big, big announcement coming. Uh, stay tuned for those of you that live around the world. Chris Rogers, what do you got tonight? What do we got over there? Whoa, Matt Mueling, look at that. Wow. Unbelievable. Incredible. All right. Audience, we love you. Thank you. a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open!

Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday! Go to SunsetStripATX.com for tickets! Bye! you