KILL TONY - #714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE

Episode Date: April 15, 2025

Luis J Gomez, LeMaire Lee, Kam Patterson, William Montgomery, Ari Matti, Hans Kim, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, Jon Deas, Matthew Muehling, Joe White, Kristie Nova, Yoni, Troy Conrad, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban - RECORDED– 03/24/2025 TONY HINCHCLIFFE @TONYHINCHCLIFE TONYHINCHCLIFFE.COM BRIAN REDBAN @REDBAN DEATHSQUAD.TV SUNSETSTRIPATX.COM Treat Mom right this Mother’s Day. Enjoy the ease and convenience of shopping Blue Nile, the original online jeweler. Go to https://bluenile.com today.  Find Voodoo Ranger Mini Rippers nearby at https://voodooranger.com Go to https://ziprecruiter.com/killtony right now to try ZipIntro FOR FREE. Start paying rent through Bilt and take advantage of your Neighborhood Benefits™ by going to https://joinbilt.com/tony OpenPhone: Streamline and scale your customer communications with OpenPhone. Get 20% off your first 6 months at www.openphone.com/ Get $80 off your first month with promo code SPACE80 at https://talkspace.com/tony Go to https://shopify.com/killtony to upgrade your selling today. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony could be found at Death Squad.TV, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out TonyHinchcliff.com for everything the Golden Pony, Tony Hinchcliff. You can also check out ShopSquad.TV for Death Squad merch, hats, mugs, whatever! ShopSquad.tv. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey this is Redback Coney Live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas. For a brand new episode of Kill Tony, get up for Tony. Let's go!

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Jay Kinney? Jake Kennedy, everybody, is his name. Wow. One of the Kennedys. Hopefully he gets shot in the head by the end of the episode. How about a hand for Big Mike Michael Gonzalez on the drums? Matt Muehling on the electric guitar. John Dees on the keys.

And this is indeed the one and only live in the flesh, the great and powerful D Madness on the bass guitar. This is the number one live podcast in the world soon to be an Emmy nominated television show. Brought to you by Blue Nile, Talkspace, Voodoo Ranger and Zip Recruiter. How exciting is this? And before we get started, here's a little bit more from all the other amazing sponsors that made tonight's episode available for you here, right now. This podcast is sponsored by Blue Nile.

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Yeah! Yeah! All right, every single week, I book two of the funniest guests in the world this week, no different. Ladies and gentlemen, two returning guests, two of my favorites. This is a mixture of chemistry of two hilarious comedians that are willing to truly be themselves on this show. They're not nervous, they're fun. We're gonna have a blast. I present to you one of the record holders

for all time appearances as a guest on this show. And one of my favorite guests who debuted this year in 2025. Make some noise for Louis J. Gomez and LaMare Lee. Oh yeah baby. Louis J. Gomez, LaMare Lee. Oh, yeah, baby. Luis J. Gomez, the creator of Skank Fest, the legion of skanks and story wars. Skank hands are in the air. The great and powerful LaMare Lee, ladies and gentlemen,

huge pro wrestling fan, not getting the size of pop that he was expecting here. Powerful LaMare, one of my favorite goofy debut guests of 2025. Makes himself right at home. Very silly. I'm hanging out. One of the most likable characters, humanly imaginable, brought us to the...

What? These guys look mad. No, they're happy. They're happy, LaMare. All right. Don't make me give you the fist. Whoa. Yeah, they're actually racist. They're like a Puerto Rican and a black guy. We didn't pay for this shit. Yeah, exactly.

This is Texas. Where's the white people? That's right. In the audience. Louis J. Gomez is here. Truly, I do believe he may have the record now, for sure, I think. I think so. It's 20-some-odd appearances.

This is where brothers from back in the day, I was doing this show when it was a little boy, and I was like, I'm going to be a big boy. I'm going to be a big boy. I'm going to be a big boy. I'm going to be a big boy. I'm going to be a big boy. I'm going to be a big boy. I'm going to be a big boy. I'm going to be a big boy. I'm going to be a big boy. As Jay Gomez is here, truly, I do believe he may have the record now, for sure, I think. I think so. It's 20-some-odd appearances. This is where brothers from back in the day

was doing the show when it was in the Comedy Store belly room, 20, 30 people in the crowd. Look at this shit. You guys are going to Netflix. Holy shit! Not only does he have the record for all-time appearances on the show, he also has the record for the least-watched episodes ever. I actually glanced through for the first time in forever. I glanced through our video library today, and it's amazing how few some of these episodes were watched.

And I noticed a direct correlation between you and us only getting, like, a couple hundred thousand views. I'm like, wait, how's a 4,200,000? Well, I'm shadow-ban banned from most platforms, Tony. Well, that's it. That's your fault for booking me. You're an idiot. That's it.

And you know what? I have no regrets, because contrary to popular belief, I clearly love Puerto Rican garbage. Here it is. Lewis J. Gomez. Proof! By the way, proof, they could have looked that up. Any of the fucking media outlets could have been like,

wait, he seems to really love this guy and Kim Kongden. Truly, like I mean, just- Two of the most garbage-iest Puerto Ricans on the planet. Yes. And meanwhile, they called me racist. And here I am, propping you up while you cost me millions of views every time I have you on an episode.

You guys know how it works, clearly, all time appearances, but I'm gonna remind everybody here anyway, about 300 human beings, innocent souls, people that, anyway, I mean, anything can fucking happen here. And they signed up for the chance to get 60 seconds on this stage. You know their time is up

and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then, or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. I'm gonna have this, I'm gonna have this... I'm gonna have this gas station attendant fucking pull the first one. You don't have to say it out loud, sir, but Jesus. Now we go wrangle that person from next door,

and while we do that, while we get our first bucket pull of the night, ladies and gentlemen, I'm gonna bring to the stage one of the finest characters in the full of the night. Ladies and gentlemen, I'm gonna bring to the stage one of the finest characters in the history of the show. To get us started tonight, this is America's favorite uncle. This is a guy out on the Killers of Kil-Toni tour, absolutely crushing it.

An old soul, but a young spirit. Ladies and gentlemen, this is a brand-new minute from David Jolly. -♪ -♪ Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba but I don't like the way they tune women in the media, you know, like saying women can't be the president and shit. I was raised by a strong black woman. I believe women can do anything a man can do, you know? Clap, bitches. I'm talking about y'all. Have a little fucking...

Have a little faith in yourself. We let you bitches read and write, you know what I mean? You know what I'm saying? And the sad part about it is, I don't think we ever gonna see a female president unless that bitch is trans. Them good old boys ain't letting no fully loaded bitch in the office. They gotta have a dog in the fight. Like, hey, you a one-member bitch, don't forget where you come from.

That's how they did us with Obama. I get it. They had to have a dog in the fight, you know what I mean? We wanted Jesse Jackson. They was to have a dog in the fight. You know what I mean? We wanted Jesse Jackson. They was like, be fucking for real. Better get this orange nigga and get the fuck out of here before we change our mind. But if you think about it, this is a lot of strong trans women, you know?

You got Caitlyn Jenner, Wendy Williams. You know that bitch got a dick. And I know that bitch dick bigger than mine. You know what I mean? You be fucking that bitch right in the back, her shit slapping your kneecap like, God damn! Throw it over your shoulder, you big donkey dick bitch. Hell yeah, that's my time.

Thank y'all, we're out of time. You big donkey dick bitch. Put it on a T-shirt. David Jolly has arrived. David, welcome back to the show. Hey, thank you, Tony. It's always great to be here, man. Absolutely. I have some, you know, some good jokes there. I have some beef with your setups.

You said that the media said that a woman can't be president, but the media is the only thing that says that a woman can't be president. Oh, okay. Hey, I was... I usually... Well, you know, I fucked up, you know what I mean? Yeah. She went out of me, you know what I'm... Well, you know, shit, I fucked up, you know what I mean? She went out to meet, you know what I'm saying? Lamar. To meet other people.

I'd vote for a woman. Yeah, no shit. You're a liberal pussy, Lamar. We've had this talk before. We've gotten into awkward talks in the green room. I told you to stop before Rogan can walk back in. It was good. I want you to work in this city, Lamar. Try to save you. Dude, all right, never mind.

Yeah, she was a cop that locked up people that look like you, LaMare, for having less than a gram of weed. She would lock up Louis right now for spilling a martini if she was... I was just so upset that he said he'd vote for a woman, Tony. I know. It's incredible. Ridiculous.

And, look, I like women. We just got to wait for the right one. And I like your premise. I like the whole fucking Caitlin thing to wait for the right one. And I like your premise. I like the whole fucking Caitlin thing, everything that you got going there. Yeah, I appreciate it, man. You know what I'm saying? I'm just speaking fags, you know what I mean?

Yeah. You're speaking fags. Whoa. All right. Louis likes any opportunity to say the word fag, and he found one there. There's going to be a lot more windows that open up before the end of the night.

David, you know, I never really get to ask you about your personal life. I wonder, what's your living situation? You live by yourself? Yeah, I stay by myself. You stay by yourself? Yeah. It's a one bedroom?

It's a two bedroom. Two bedroom, who lives in the other bedroom? Nobody, just me. You got the whole place to yourself? Hell yeah, I walk around that bed butt-ass naked. You run around naked? Let them nuts hang out. You hear me?

And you have a couch and a TV and a... Yeah, I live pretty good right now. You know, I'm making a little couple dollars, you know what I mean? Yeah. My life is actually pretty fucking amazing, you know what I'm saying? You have a sound system? Um... Oh, you my...

Hey. Hey. Hey. Um, oh, you my... Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Oh, man. Oh, man. That's funny. What do you think, if you had to speak on behalf of all African Americans on why exactly I'm noticing John. John, this was hitting close to home with John B's. I've never really seen him laugh this hard at something. If you had to speak on behalf of all African Americans on why it is that the smoke detector beep goes unnoticed with you people and you people only and when I say you people I fucking mean you people

I get it I get it. Let there be no confusion here. Yeah yeah. Why do you think it is that black people don't notice that they need to change the batteries in the smoke detector alarm this is a this is a... This is a... Oh, there's... You know that dog whistle that we can't hear but dogs can hear? Uh-huh. It's like that with smoke-o-letters.

Okay. Black people don't hear. I never heard it. I still don't hear it. It's the pitch. Are you talking about when Trump gives a speech? Is that a dog whistle for you? Hey, man, stop talking about Trump, man.

You know what I'm saying? We live in Texas, buddy. Relax. You know what I mean? LaMare being oddly political. I didn't say anything bad. I-I-I... That bitch like that dog whistle, you know what I'm saying? Black people can't hear it.

Okay. Yeah. I ain't hearing it at first until I listened hard enough, and I was like, oh, shit, that's a smoke. Smoke is happening. David, what do you think is the blackest thing about you other than your skin, your speech, and your overall demeanor?

The blackest? Probably my dick. That bitch pretty black. Now, that bitch, sometimes I got to put lotion on that motherfucker. That bitch like a gray color some days, you feel me? Absolutely. It get gray now. Now, I'm also curious to know, what do you think is the whitest thing about you, David

Jolly? Oh, that's a tough one. Right here. Oh, this is more like an orange color. Oh, the inside of your hand? Yeah, I guess I ain't white no more. Not physically, but like with your behaviors. I believe that Sublime is the greatest band of all time.

Hey, I'm ready to die on that mountain, you know what I'm saying? You feel me, white man? Hell yeah, he likes a blind. Yeah, yeah. Wow. Yeah, yeah. A blind was a good time, man. That surprises me. Not the one with Rome.

That's bullshit, you know what I'm saying? Not the new sublime. Yeah, fuck that bullshit. I mean, Rome can sing, but... Sure. He wasn't on heroin at the same time, so it ain't the same effect. It's gotta have the heroin.

Yeah, I like my rock and roll stars to do drugs, you know what I'm saying? Uh-huh. Like the hard drugs, the real ones, you know? Yeah, no doubt about it. No doubt about it. David, you got it started here tonight. Is there anything else crazy we should know about you

before we let you go, since the last time we saw you? Shit, I just, you know, do it, you know. Oh, I got a video to hit a million views. That fucking mechanic uh, that fucking Mechanic video is so that bitch going pretty good. I got a lot of dumbass videos I've been making I got one coming out this Wednesday every Wednesday man every Wednesday. Well, how do people see those? Oh, I can say that Oh, mr. D. Jolly bitch on Instagram Mr. D Jolly on Instagram same thing on tick tock and else. Even black people meet, you know what I'm saying?

Hell yeah. Appreciate that, Tony. I don't know what just happened there, but yeah. Yeah. There he... Yeah. World star. There he goes. David Jolly. All right. On to the bucket we go, ladies. Oh, my God.

Oh, my... You know what? I think I might need to lotion up my penis. Heidi's here, everybody. I need to borrow some of David Jolly's cocoa butter. And think about a dude while I do it. All right. Your first pocketful of the night goes by the name of Trish Smart, everyone. Sounds like a familiar name.

I think we might have seen her before. Here she is. Make some noise, people, for Trish Smart. Yeah! Yeah! What's up? Somebody outside tried to make fun of me. They were like,

is that a black belt in dick sucking? About my necklace? I was like, what do you think happens at Claire's? Like, you can't buy this 899 three-pack. You got to go to the back and prove it. I don't know. I started arguing back with him, too. I was like, I'd only suck a dick to refuse a UTI. He didn't get it, either. Yeah.

I am dating again, though. I, like, I don't get dating. Like, I don't know how many times it takes for you to tell somebody to stop sticking a finger in your asshole till they stop doing it. But it's not four. Every time I get slapped in the face during sex, I think the exact same thing. I'm like, that was unexpected.

I don't know why you thought that that was okay. Good. Okay. I'm like... Okay. I heard them yell. I was like, where is that? That's how you close your set, huh, with just a hard head nod. Heh heh heh.

Trish Smart, welcome back. We made full on eye contact. I didn't know what else to do. Okay. Okay. All right, Trish Smart. You could have been like, that's it? That's it, guys.

All right, there she is, Trish Smart. How long have you been doing stand-up, Trish? It'll be eight years now. Eight years. Okay. And you've been on this show once before? I have. What did we find out? What was the highlight of your interview last time you were on? The highlight of my interview

was that I was making paintings of myself acrylicly on the toilet to sell at comedy shows. Okay. Yeah. And how much were one of those go for? Uh... Uh-oh. Someone's about to vote for Trish Smart for president, everybody. Duh!

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. It's not as bad as you think, right? Especially the Black Friday sale that you had one time. I had a Black Friday sale? Okay. Red band. Let's get back to the sound board. Red band looks like you. Red band, let's get back to the sound board. Red Band, everybody. Alright, Trish.

Red Band looks like he has a black barber. Okay, alright, thank you. Look what happens when you talk. No, that's a compliment. Okay, alright. I'm sure the internet's dying right now. The black bar- why would a- why would a- let's find out after all. Why does it look like he has a black barber? Cause he has like a fresh shave.

Like a, you like a soft face. He looks fucking disgusting. What are you talking about Trish? I've never seen the red band look worse than right now. It is unbelievable. He looks like he crawled out of the fucking sewer today. What are you talking about? He's gray, has no voice.

You're disgusting. Stop trying to talk. You're not in shape for podcasting tonight. Literally, there's all these buttons. Here, hit one. Turn up your fucking volume and hit a fucking button. There you go, hit anything. Try it.

Hey, all right, there you go. Okay, stick to that. Put the mic down. Trish, tell us what's been going on with your life since the last time we saw you. Well, it's been a year now. Adam Ray bought me that week of hotels. That's how we get you. Oh, well, it's been a year now. Adam Ray bought me that week of hotels. That's how we get started.

It was free. And then I accidentally invited a homeless musician. I adopted him and he destroyed the hotel room. And I had to call Adam Ray and be like, listen, this guy brought a dog, like all this stuff happened. And he thought it was very funny. So that's how that ended. He didn't let me just update you.

Please. There's no way. And I haven't talked with Adam about this. He was being a nice guy giving you a hotel room Yeah, there's no way he thought it was funny Why is this zero percent jump sure he laughed at you because he's like being nice but like no I paid for it Well, I bet you fucking did I mean that would be crazy What made you invite a homeless man with a dog into the hotel room that Adam Ray was nice enough to pay for? Well, he was living across the street, and then I was like, all right, you can take a shower. And then I was like, all right, you can do laundry.

And then one day, he, like, tried to have sex with me. And as a joke, I was like, what's your STD status? And he said it would be an honor to die with you. Wow. And then I was like, you have to leave. Like, you have to go, right? And then, uh... This guy was actually funnier than you.

Yeah. That's awesome. Yeah. I'd love to hear his version of this story, where he's like, hey, this homeless chick let me stay in her hotel room. I'm afraid to say it, but your mustache kind of looks like my panty liner.

Okay, Trish. My mustache is covered in shit right now, just so you know. I'll paint it later and then sell it. Okay, this is getting weird. Trish, please stop trying to thaw the panel tonight. Your roasting skills are very, very, very, very... They're, like, complimentary.

Would you like me to compliment you? Okay, yes, I'm gay. Good one, Trish. No, I was gonna say. Let's just move forward. I was gonna say, how does it feel to be the reference photo for John Waters' plastic surgeon? Oh God, Jesus fucking Christ, Trish. Nobody, all right.

Yes, literally fucking nobody in a room of 300 fucking people, nobody. Eight years of experience, I tell you to stop roasting the panel, you're like, how about one more? How about this reference from 1960 something? You fucking good goots, Trish. God, this bucket, I mean, Jesus Christ.

I can already tell how fucking tonight's gonna go. So Trish, anything else about your life that we should know about? Uh, I don't know if I should say this, but I had a friend pass away a couple days ago. I think I'm feeling pretty strange about it today. Okay, how did they pass away? Um, are you guys familiar with the term

ketflix and chill? Nope. That's where you do ketamine, and I'm pretty sure you ketflix and killed. And I don't know if I should be saying that, but I feel like when something is, like, so fresh that you're just like, I want to talk about it, and I don't know how.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I agree with you. I got a dead girlfriend, and I... Oh, really? Yeah. You do? Yeah. I went and I did a show that night,

so I understand totally what you're talking about. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I did a show last night. I talked to all of you. Just hold on. Stop. Trish, shut the fuck up. Lamar, when did you have a dead girlfriend? When I was first starting comedy back in Lancaster, Pennsylvania, 717, until I died. Okay, so you were in P.A. and you had a girlfriend,

and then how did she die? She had pancreatitis, a very avoidable disease. Unless... -♪ Yeah! -♪ -♪ Yeah! -♪ Unless you're a black lady. Like, that's... And then what happened? So she just kind of got sick that day?

She got sick, and after two weeks, she passed away. She laid around with pancreatitis for two weeks, or did she go to the hospital? She went to the hospital, and they kept sending her back. They were like, that's not what you got. Oh, my God. Damn, I'm sorry, dude. It's okay.

It's really unfortunate. I didn't mean to take the moment away from you. I love how we just didn't give a shit about her friend at all. Yeah. Like, yeah, fuck that guy. I get it. Mine wasn't going very well, so it's fine. Oh, my goodness gracious. To be fair, I also would have killed myself with drugs

if I had to hang out with you. Yeah. It is true. Okay. I don't understand how the Netflix has anything to do with your friend overdosing on ketamine. Ketflix is like a popular term where you do ketamine, just watch TV. It basically means, like, you do it by yourself.

Have you ever heard of spun fun, Tony? Uh-uh. That's when you do meth and you fuck. Wow. Have you ever done that? I haven't done it. Yeah, that seems like two ways to... Doing meth and fucking are two ways to burn calories, which seems like one of your least favorite things to do. Anyway.

Trish, sorry about your friend. It seems to be weighing heavy on you with your terrible roast jokes. I'm sure your friend is looking up at you right now while burning in hell and... Roasting in hell. And yeah, and roasting better than you. So there she goes, Trish Smarter.

She's got a good sense of humor. Relax, people. She's been doing it eight years. She's smiling. Tony's so mean to the girl whose friend died. Fuck you. Fuck you. She said I looked like a John Waters thing or something.

Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ. How about one more roast joke? You look like John Waters something. Hello, this podcast is sponsored by Talkspace. You know therapy can be costly, but Talkspace is affordable and in network with most insurance providers.

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post jobs today. Talk to tomorrow. Ladies and gentle, your next bucket pull, as you see, anything can happen. This person could, this person's mother could have died today. Her body could still be warm. Okay, make some noise for Marvin Izzy, everybody. -♪ Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha I see myself in five years, man. I can't stand managers, yo, when they come into the office 8 a.m., ready to go, energized,

hopped up on cocaine and coffee. I don't do that shit, man. Don't come into the office 8 a.m., hopped up on cocaine and coffee, and I'm 15 minutes late, high on weed, bitch. Like, we just not on the same wavelengths. Now, I can't stand it, man. As soon as I come into the office, first thing I hear,

hey, Marvin, I need you to do me a favor. I Need you to put in disorder print them scan them facts I'm emailing to me communicate the philist location of the Packers redo the requisitions correlate the tax returns someone's applying again I'm gonna be late to Friday's meeting of it all today is Tuesday I need you to organize the filing capital alphabetically and chronologically and then do inventory then I need you to stay over time when I lead Our area prioritize my family's happen is over yours because we're gonna go to the movies if you need anything just send me an email CC John Okay because we're gonna go to the movies. If you need anything, just send me an e-mail. CC John, okay? Whoo! Whoo!

Whoo! And I'm high on weed, like... I, uh... Let me get a pen real quick. Hold on. All right, that's me. All right, Marvin Izzy. You were on very recently. Am I correct, Marvin? Yeah, man, uh, this was my redemption, man. Like, Marvin Izzy. You were on very recently. Am I correct, Marvin?

Yeah, man, this was my redemption, man. Like, the first one was the night of the crazy turbo-mode bucket pools and stuff, you know? And then I got called the very next week, you know? But I was really awkward that day. I was, like, in my shell acting just not myself, man. And here you are now. Taking corny shots at you and Red Band.

So my bad on that for y'all. That's right. Wow. And I do want to answer one question. Look at that. We just got to see what the last girl's gonna say next time she's on. Isn't that exciting? This is incredible. But I did want to answer one question for you, because you did ask me what was one of the most Puerto Rican things about me. Okay.

And I said I was watered down. By that, I meant, like, I don't eat rice and beans. I don't, you know, listen to Rick and Thong or anything like that. But I am proud when I say I'm Taino. You know, this is Puerto Rican natives. What does that mean, exactly? It means that my people were also here before everyone else and got raped, as well,

and this is why light skins come out. Wait, hold on a second. I always find it so interesting when a culture tries to make themselves a victim. No, we're the ones of the indigenous. No, I want to know more about make themselves a victim. No, we're the ones of the indigenous. I want to know more about exactly what you mean. No, we're the indigenous. Hold on, let me check in with Louis Jacob.

Yes, sir. Where are my senior Puerto Rican correspondent? When the rapists become the raped. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Is that the original Shankers where the, uh... It's the fucking rapeing me, dude! I'll rape you, Holmes!

Hey, dude, I think we're just fucking now, bro. Dude, you rape me, I rape you. We're fucking, bro! Dude, Taino! I'm gonna get that shit fucking tattooed on my fucking unathletic arm, dude. I love how you're speaking in Puerto Rican accent Mexican. Yeah, bro. He's just tryingican accent Mexican. Yeah, bro.

He's just trying to get us deported, bro. You see this thing? No. Okay. Let me see that tattoo again. So, Taino, that means, like, original Puerto Ricans. Yeah, soltaino. First of all, let's talk about the health of your arm. Exactly what the fuck do you do?

Play video games? Like, what is it native song. First of all, let's talk about the health of your arm. Exactly what the fuck do you do? Play video games? Like, what is it? What do you not do? I don't want to bring it up, because I said it last time, man, but it's just I'm still in recovery, because I had a heart attack a year ago, you know?

Oh, so I'm right. Yes. Right. You're unbelievably unhealthy. Have you ever thought about, like, lifting something? Well, I'm going to get into that? Well, I'm gonna get into that now because I'm under the weight that I wanted to be. I wanted to stay at 165 and I'm 156,

completely dyslexic. So, yeah, I wanna- Typical so Puerto Rican to try to get in the welterweight division. Is that- Hey, I have to make weight before I can start lifting, dudes. I can fucking rape some dudes, dude.

La Mer. I bet he has abs. Let's see. I bet you got abs. Compared to you, he has abs, Lamar. All right, here we go. Oh, fucking disgusting, ladies and gentlemen. Absolutely.

His stomach looks like your face. Yeah. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. Oh, my God. So, Marvin, how long you been on stand up? 14 years, man. 14 fucking years? Yeah, that's what I felt bad.

I was real mad at myself last time I dropped the ball. I'm like, I ain't doing it tonight. No, hell no. I mean, you barely held onto the ball tonight. Yeah. You drop it, but you know. I meant during the interview, because last week, last time I was weird as shit.

So I want to be at least, you know, positive weird today. OK, all right. Well, you're still in it right now. So be careful, because there's nothing weirder you can do than talk about how weird it could be right now in the interview. Whoa, there it is. Fucking dirt. Chrysler. All right, Marvin, tell me something crazy about your life that I didn't find out last time we were on.

You've had some time to think about it? Uh, yeah, man. It's funny you keep saying I'm out of shape for shit. I used to actually wrestle. Uh-huh. Like backyard wrestling and shit, so... Okay. What was your... Were you, like, a luchador or something? Did you wear a mask? No, I was a hardy, you know what I mean?

I tried to be like a hardy boy and shit, but I was doing... I was doing... Lamar, what do you think about this? Did you jump off a roof? Yeah, if there was one. It was like, since I was in the Bronx doing and shit, but I was doing, I was doing, I was doing La Mer. What do you think about this? You jump off a roof? Yeah, if there was one. It was like, since I was in the Bronx doing this shit. So we was doing it like playgrounds. So I kind of jumped off that little hot, that little hot house shit that

got slides and stuff. I know it well time bombs off of that shit. You know what I mean? Like onto the concrete, rubber mats, you know, the ones that be burning in 90 degrees, you got to throw water on that bitch before you lose hairs on your arm and shit. Like... Okay, all right. Uh, the people are relating down there. Yeah, they call it...

You were more of a hearty essay. All right. All right, LaMare will now swallow the Incredible Hulk glove in one swallow, like it's a pill. There you go. Shove it in there. All right, Marvin, you got little joke books, right? Last time, yeah. That's right.

And then there you go. It remains the same. Yeah. It was good. It was good. You did the trick where you talk really, really, really, really, really, really fast, and then the fucking crowd went wild, but the trick's, you know, it's a trick.

You know that. You've been doing it 14 years. Yeah. You know that that gets an applause break based on principle, not exactly because it's hilarious. Anybody could memorize that and ramble it off. There you go. There it is. There he goes. Marvin Izzy. Hey.

Look at the silent crowd like, wait, we got tricked? Yeah, you did. Yeah, you did. Yeah, you did. That's an old trick. Can I just say, though? What? My next one, I will be invited to the Secret Show.

Okay. All right, may I make a suggestion? Grow a fat pair of tits. All right. Ha ha ha. Red Band books his show in a very specific way. Lamar is there every week. -♪ Good areola, La-mare. -♪ All right. This looks like a new name, thank God.

Let's meet them all together. Make some noise for R.J. McKegan, everybody. R.J. McKegan. Here he is. -♪ So, I signed up for the show and I'm here to help you. Everybody, R.J. McKegan. There he is. -♪ So, I signed up for Bumble about a month ago, and I met this chick on there.

And she was a big Texas Longhorn fan. So we went to the basketball game together, and she kept yelling, "'Hook them horns! Hook them horns!' So, at the end of the night, I fucked her in the butt, and I fish-hooked her, and I was like, "'Hook them horns, hook him horns! But I like hot chicks, but, you know...

I like hot chicks, but I have a gay twin brother, and his name is Tommy, and when I go to bars and I meet a hot chick, I say, oh, hey, queen, hey, queen, oh, I love your hair, your tits feel so good, and. Hey, queen. Oh, I love your hair. Your tits feel so good. And we become best friends. And at the end of the night, I tell them, I lost my keys. I don't have anywhere to stay.

And they let me come back with them because I'm gay and I won't try anything. Then we get back to their house, we take a bunch of shots, and then RJ comes out of me, and I fuck the living shit out of them. We take a bunch of shots, and then RJ comes out of me, and I fuck the living shit out of them. Wow. First, let's check in with Luis J. Gomez.

I can't even look at you right now. Luis. Can I? I'm Irish, I'm Irish, Tony. Can I offer you some ketamine? Okay, La Mer. Can I offer you some ketamine? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Lamar? I don't know. I'm speechless. Thank you.

They forgot about my joke. R.J., you are incredibly unfunny. Let's talk about it. Oh, okay. That's what this show's all about. All different shapes, sizes. I pull a new name out for the first time tonight. You come out just guns ablazing.

Absolutely. Hey, Tony, I'm only gay on Monday, okay? What? Also, you guys have the same fucking voice. Yeah, well, he's actually shaped like a man, so it's more embarrassing for him RJ were you raised by women? Why why do you sound like that? I'm from Seattle. Okay, what else? Let me ask you this. Do you see your gay brother when you look in the mirror?

It's my alter ego to pick up women Tony Okay RJ. Oh my god It's my alter ego to pick up women, Tony. Okay. RJ, oh, my God. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? I'm new. So how long have you been doing it, you fucking retard? So... So I had a, uh... I just got divorced.

My ex-wife was a redhead. And... RJ, how long have you been doing stand-up comedy? One month. One month. One month. How long have you been on stand-up comedy? One month, one month. One month. How often have you done it? You do it once a week, twice a week, five? I've done it, like, three weeks I've been here,

I've done it 10 times, so... Okay. And you thought you were ready for this? I think I am. Okay. Wow. Okay. How old are you, RJ? I'm 39. 39. What old are you, RJ? I'm 39.

39. What do you do for work? I own a semi-trailer rental company in Omaha, Nebraska. Okay. Omaha rules. Yeah. All right. I used to own a big trucking company, but I worked 70 hours a week, and it was too much for me, so I quit that. I met some rich motherfuckers in Nebraska,

and they started a semi-trailer rental company with me. So... Why'd you put the blacks in on motherfuckers? You didn't have the... Is it because I related to you? I don't think I like you. Exactly. Yeah, we're all related. Blacks and Irish are, like, the same, you know? Same race, you know?

Why? How? What do you mean? What do you mean? If you're gonna say that, you have to follow it up with the fucking thing. Okay, so I was watching this, um, World War II documentary the other week, and I got so happy... Yes, we all know about the blacks versus the Irish.

I got so happy. I couldn't believe. Hitler was gonna put the Nazis, or the Irish, in the, uh, master race, and I was like, what the fuck? No one's ever believed in the Irish before. And the British, they've treated us like shit for thousands of years. So when the Nazis were fighting the British,

I was rooting for the fucking Nazis. I was like, Elon, Elon! -"Boo Nazis, but up the rock." -"Archie, has somebody told you that you're funny ever or anything like that? What exactly? This is like Red Band trying to get in the NBA right now. Like, this is what are you doing in this industry? What exactly? This is like Red Band trying to get in the NBA right now.

Like, this is... What are you doing in this industry? Okay, well, I got a lot of pain from my ex-wife divorcing me, so I moved here. Okay, let's stop right there. Okay. Your ex-wife may have been onto something here. Yeah. Okay, well, she was a redheaded. And you know what a redheaded wife gets you

when you're a successful businessman? Lots of anal sex. And for the first year of her marriage, we had anal sex. RJ, take this fucking little joke book, get the fuck out of here. RJ McKeegan. And here we go.

Tony, this is fucking- No RJ, no handshakes. Go, go. Get to touch people is a fucking consolation prize. Louis J. Gomez. This rules. Yeah. I love when they're bad. It's so fun.

Yeah, it is. It's part of the show. That's, we love it. We fucking love it. Look at this- He was an Irish, by the way. Look at this retard trying to go in between tables to get back to his seat. It's no real, that's not really the path to take.

Hell yeah. I love it. No, you're good. I love it. Everyone's retarded tonight. Make some noise for your next bucket full. He goes by the name of Matt Sargent, everybody. Matt Sargent.

Are we having fun tonight, huh? -♪ Oh, holy fuck. What's up, uh, bitches? Whoo! I'm talking to all the 14 women here in this fucking sausage fest. This is cool.

Anybody here from Austin? Three of the most boring fucking people you've ever met in your goddamn life. This city makes me wanna kill myself. I would have already drowned myself in Lady Bird Lake if it weren't for the fact that anybody that finds my dead body is just gonna assume that it's a gay one. that finds my dead body is just gonna assume that it's a gay one?

Hey, it's like it's one of them floating queers. He's floating face down. Look at him. Uh... Oh, thank God. This is going better than I thought it would. Hell, yeah. This place is fucking bright, Jesus. So many ugly people. This is a very Austin crowd, you know what I mean?

It's a very diverse crowd. Never seen so many different kinds of white people in my life. All right, well, I guess that's all my time. My name is Matt Sargent. All right, Matt Sargent. You have some extra stuff that doesn't even make sense. You have good jokes. I don't know why you're acknowledging

how white the room, you're literally, this is a black, a Puerto Rican, black, Mexican, three Mexicans, black, super white. Why do you keep saying that? Gray, there's a gray guy. There's a fucking illegal immigrant right in front of you. Well, don't. But he's with his dad, so it's okay. He's Mexican. Mexican.

Is his dad legal? Don't make jokes. There's Mexicans everywhere. There's women everywhere. There's so many women in the crowd. You said there's 14 women here. They're the hottest ladies in Austin. In between your jokes, you make stuff up and then talk about the lighting.

I'm nervous, I don't know, I, yeah. You don't have to be. Look at your hair. God, I wish you told me that 50 minutes ago. How could you be nervous with fucking hair like that? That's absolutely incredible. Good hair on top of my head and then I got a lot on my ass,

so I think that's a personal issue. Prove it. Absolutely not. Prove it. Ah. Prove it. Prove it. Prove it. Absolutely not. Uh oh. This is a nice belt buckle. I'm not unbuttoning this for nobody except Mr. Tony Hinchcliffe here, all right?

Matt, what are you into exactly? I got real incel vibes when you came out and called it a sausage fest with an average amount of women in the audience. No, I just thought it was a kind of an easy jive. I see a lot of glasses in here connected to a lot of weird-looking dudes' faces. You say, now you're calling out glasses

because you see, what, one, two, three guys with glasses? How many do you see? What's with you and numbers? You're freaking me out. It's actually a less... I would say that the amount of glasses that I'm seeing right now is less than the average amount of glasses on humans in a normal setting.

You keep doing this thing where it's like, God, is everyone wearing a plain white t-shirt tonight? I mean, that's so crazy. Whoa, I didn't realize I was at the beard factory. Everybody's got a beard. Whoa, what is this, a redhead convention? Wacky! Nothing that you're saying

in between your jokes is even true. Probably not, but I was gonna say that you freaked me out because you talk like Bradley Cooper in the movie where he takes that drug, what's it called? You should know your references before you fucking try them in front of millions of people. It's not invincible, it's limitless. I was gonna say-

Let's check in with LaMaire, shut the fuck up. I'm sorry. Doesn't it look like he sings mariachi at Whataburger? Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! A joke! A pure, clean joke. I almost forgot what it's like when those happen here.

You do look like you sing. Do you know how to sing? No. Do you know how to do something other than stand-up comedy? You're a talented guy? I can jerk off on cocaine very well. You do a lot of cocaine? Not a lot. I just, almost every other time, it ends up, like, gooning, so... It ends up what?

You know what that is. There's no way you know. Every other time it ends up what? It ends up in gooning. Gooning? Never heard of it. You know what that is? I don't know what it means, up in gooning. Gooning? Gooning. You know what? Never heard of it. I don't know what it means, so why don't you explain it? I'm sorry, okay. How many times are you gonna, you know what it means?

God, why is, is everybody terrible tonight? Are you gonna let me explain gooning? It's jerking off on math or cocaine. What's the fucking attitude on this guy? Are you gonna let me explain it now that I said you know what it is five times? What a wretched fucking bucket we've had tonight so far. It's still just me being nervous. I don't know when to talk.

Oh, I'm nervous. Oh. Oh, maybe I'm nervous, too, huh? You ever think that maybe the pressure of doing over 700 fucking episodes that everybody watches and having to up it every single... Maybe I'm fucking nervous. Can I use that excuse, you fucking pussy? But your microphone's just gold, you know what I mean?

Oh, how is he gonna keep it original? How, how, with 700 episodes, I'm saying it's a fucking bucket of people. What's he gonna do to keep it fucking original? Look, there's people leaving. As we speak, there's people walking out, this isn't what I paid for. What do you think about, you ever hear me acknowledging the pressure on me?

No? No, you're goddamn right. You ever hear me going, God, the lights are so bright tonight, ugh. Ugh, why is the place filled with blacks? All right, Matt, take a breath. Tell us about your life. What makes you different? What's happened to you?

Uh, that's such a loaded question, but, um... By easy fucking setup, you are correct. Yeah, I appreciate the layup. Dream question for anybody else. I don't know. Like, I dropped out of college, and then I went to tech school, and then now I'm here. You know what I mean? How do you make money?

It's really a me thing. How do you make money? I sell boots. Where? I don't think I should say where I sell boots at. You sell boots? They're on South Congress. It's a bar.

It's not a bar. It's a boot store. It's like a high-end... You sell boots? Boots. Okay. I'm sorry. I got kind of lingo. I thought he said booths. Yep. Boos.

Yeah, I... Boots. Boots. It was my... It was the third pick. I am with Lewis on this. I had booths and booze ahead of it. I took a chance, went with booths. Turns out it was boots.

Have you ever thought about learning how to pronounce what you sell? Boots. Very good. All right. Are you good at it? They haven't fired me yet, and it's been, you know, eight months, so I think I'm doing all right.

You ever get nervous when you're selling boots? Absolutely. Sometimes it's famous people. Do you sell Tony a pair of boots right now? Yeah, that's a uh, famous people. Um, maybe... Can you sell Tony a pair of boots right now? Yeah, that's a great, great, great point, Lamar. All right. I like boots.

Sell me some boots. Here I come. I'm riding up... Oh. Oh, howdy. Whoa. Now settle down, boy. Settle down.

Settle down. Settle down. Settle down. Settle down. Settle down. Settle down. Settle down. Settle down. Settle down. Yeah. Yeah. Whoa. Now settle down, boy.

Settle down. You get down. I'm gonna slap that ass. Get over here. You fucking crazy horse. Howdy, buddy. Hey, you happen to know where I can find some boots around here? Well, you rode this horse into this boot store.

I figured you knew when you came in. A lot of fucking attitude from you. Jesus Christ. It seems like you do nothing but complain and find the negative things in everything. What size shoe are you, Tony? 14. There's no goddamn way you're a size 14, Tony.

My friend. There's no way. I've seen people the size of Shaquille O'Deal with size 12-E. There's no way you're a 14. Well, well, well, let's just say me and my horse have something in common. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Relax, buster. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Anyway, since you want to argue about the size, can you sell me something? What are you? What are you? Are they more expensive the bigger they are? Uh, no. It's all availability of, like, rare leathers, you know?

You're actually worse at selling boots than you are at comedy. That's crazy. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. So, do you have any boots available? Uh, of course I do, and Luis J. Gomez is a hater, and that's why he smokes, uh, what cigar is that? Oh, my God, what are you doing?

Bro, focus. Sell me fucking boots, you fucking idiot. I'm sorry. Tony, I wish this guy had boot-scooting boogie off his head. I think you're right. And you know what? I decided I don't need boots.

I'm gonna wear high heels for the rest of my life. There you go. There he goes. And he drops the book, ladies and gentlemen. You can't blame him. The lights are bright. There he goes. And he drops the book, ladies and gentlemen. You can't blame him. The lights are bright. He's nervous. Let the mic stand over there.

Heidi, can you grab this mic stand and put it in the right place for us? This podcast is sponsored by Voodoo Ranger Mini Rippers. Guess what? The best beer on the market just got a whole lot better. Mini Rippers are mini cans of Voodoo Rangers Highly Drinkable Juice Force IPA or Tropic Force IPA. These mini cans deliver a quick impactful hit at about 9.5% alcohol by volume an storage, portability and man, Tony, I love video r

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an absolute superstar. Ladies and gentlemen, this is a brand-new minute from the one and the only, great and powerful, this is Cam Patterson. -♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah I learned something about myself recently. I shouldn't be allowed to go to weddings. That's not a good thing for me. I went to my cousin's wedding this weekend, and I cussed out the man of honor. She was a bitch. She deserved it, though. Because, like, listen, understand something.

At my cousin's wedding, all the groomsmen were my cousins and my friends I knew my whole life, right? And I didn't get to hang out with them the whole time. I wasn't really into weddings. So when we started eating and stuff like that, I finished eating early. I went to go talk to my cousins, who was sitting at the groomsmen

and the bridesmaids' table, right? And the maid of honor called me over, and she was like, Hey, can you come here real quick? We're all over here eating, and you're kind of bothering us. So can you come back later? And then I was very confused,

so I said respectfully, get the fuck out of my face, right? And then a fat bitch came out. There's always a fat bitch around somewhere. She came out, and she was like, hey, who the fuck even is he? And I went, bitch, Google me, right? The coolest shit I've ever said in my life, dog.

And then I walked outside. I was like, hell yeah. But I had to make sure I was Googleable first, right? So then I Googled myself, and it came up, Cam Patterson. That was cool, but I scrolled a little bit, and then it said, Cam Patterson, the worst comedian of all time. I said, wait a minute. Bitch, don't Google me, ho. And don't do that at all. And then later that night, I found out

that it was kind of mad at me, because I may or may not have said, I'll slap the fuck out you bitch. And listen, hear me out, understand something. I never said nothing like that. But if I did, I fucking meant it. Oh, I'm in Camp Out. Thank y'all so much. Hell yeah.

Boom. Yes, yes, yes! Cam Patterson, you went to a wedding, huh? Yeah, yeah, it was cool. I hate weddings. It was pretty stupid. I really cussed that bitch out, too. Yeah.

Fuck that whole dumbass bitch. It pissed me the fuck off, dawg. It really made me angry, man. Yeah. It was uncalled for, stupid fucking whore. People get out of line at weddings. She was tripping, bro. Like, I don't even know who that bitch was.

Right. Dumbass bitch. Fat girls at weddings, if fat girls at weddings, it's like, it's like, I don't even know what it's like. I want to eat real bad, goofy as hell. I should have slapped that. I don't hit women. But if I was a bitch, I would have beat the,

I would have beat the fuck out of that hole, I'll tell you that much. That makes sense. Yeah. Yeah, if I was a bitch, I'd beat her ass. But I'm not. Fat girls at weddings, they get angry because they're never really going to, you know, that's like... Yeah, nobody want that big-ass bitch. Yeah.

They're just always gonna be watching. Nobody want that fat-ass, goofy-ass bitch. Hope you looking at this shit, too, bitch. You dirty-ass, fat-ass fucking bitch. I'm starting to think that Cam beat the shit out of this girl. He said it way too many times that he didn't. No. It didn't do it. I wanted to. I didn't do it, though.

I didn't do it. I don't hit women. Also, on the having sex with fat ladies thing, let's not speak for everybody. No. I don't fuck a fat bitch. Who talked about this earlier? Who talked about this before? I don't fuck a fat bitch. Oh, yeah. Cam will definitely fuck a fat bitch. I would've fucked that fat bitch.

She was nicer. I would've fucked her. Hell, yeah. I mean, LaMare... She was nice, but she would've got some dick. LaMare, you are one beard shave away from Cam fucking you, perv. No, wait a minute. Not far off. Now I can hold you, y'all do the same.

Not far off. Hit it from behind, grab that little ponytail of his. Oh, no. Oh, I know. I do look like an auntie without a beard. What? You have a beard. Ha ha ha ha ha. What? You have a beard. Yeah.

Okay. Ha ha ha ha ha. So, Cam, what else happened? Whose wedding was this? One of your cousins. Yeah, my cousin's. I was the next guest. Yeah, my cousin.

They tried one, though. That was cool. So, this was a black wedding? Yeah, black and yellow. Oh, wow. I've never been to a black wedding. That's wild. Black and shit. What are black weddings like? Have you ever been to a white wedding? I've never been to a... That was my first wedding ever.

It's like a public park or...? What? Well... Ha-ha-ha-ha. Where's your sound effect? Give me your... That was good. Give me your sound effect. Where is it at? You know where it is.

There it is. Turn it up. -♪ Red band playing a tune from the Red Band -"Red Band!" With barely a voice tonight, the allergies are affecting him. Does that stop him? Does he complain about the bright lights? Does he acknowledge the people in the room? No.

He plants his feet, and he says the racist joke. Pfft. It was at a park. It was... Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. Let's talk about it. Have you noticed a smoke detector going off in your apartment?

What? Do you hear that? You don't hear anything, do you? What are you talking about? Do you hear anything? You don't hear anything, do you? What are you talking about? Do you hear anything? That was a piano. That was a piano right there. No, it wasn't. Do you hear anything? Cam, no, you got to hear it.

Oh, yeah, do it again. Do it again. No, LaMare trying to defend his entire race right now. No, don't look at his finger. Look out straight and see if you hear anything. Did you hear something? What was it? What do you think that is? A cricket. Ha-ha-ha. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha- He thinks there's a cricket outside.

No, that wouldn't be... What is that other noise? Is that you? Okay, guys. Bam. So hold on. Why do you think it is the black men don't notice smoke detector alarms when they need to be replaced? This is a mission that I'm trying to find out on this episode.

We're trying to solve the world's problems. Why do you think you heard a cricket and everyone else hears a smoke detector alarm going off? I don't know, man. You don't really need them at your house for real. Okay, can you repeat that? Can you repeat that one more time? You don't really need a your house for real. Okay, can you repeat that? Can you repeat that one more time? You don't really need a smoke detector for real.

You don't need one. If you smoke inside, it's kind of gonna fuck up the house. You know what I'm saying? It's gonna do its job too good. You know what I'm saying? So you never replace it. It's genius. Is this true, LaMare?

Is this the reason? I agree, Tony. I recently had to take down three of my own fire alarms. Laughter And there you have it. Kill Tony, solving the world's issues. Absolutely incredible. So, uh, your cousin got married.

Now, normally at weddings, people get a little horny. They get a little worked up. They get some drinks in them. That right open bar. Was there an open bar? Yeah, your cousin got married. Now, normally at weddings, people get a little horny. They get a little worked up. They get some drinks in them. That way, open bar. Was there an open bar? Yeah, yeah. And so what ended up happening?

Did you notice people sneaking away in this? Yeah, my auntie tried to fuck my home, boy. That was weird. Okay. Yeah, my auntie, my auntie, older. She older. Your auntie is older? Like, ballpark of us in age.

Yeah, like, 49. Oh, shit. Yeah. Only in the black community do you have to clarify that... 49? Oh, shit. Yeah. Only in the black community do you have to clarify that your aunt is older than you. Yeah. That is a great point. You guys too, dude. That's true.

Puerto Ricans, it's true. I have an aunt who's one year younger than me. It's also that way with Italian white trash. I can confirm my mom and my oldest sister were pregnant at the same time. I am an uncle to a niece that I'm two months older than. This is reality. My auntie old, dude.

I'm not old, but she older, you know what I'm saying? And she got to drink a lot. And my homeboy Omar, he a bigger dude. He look like he should be in the NFL and shit. And I'm 25, he 26. whole time she was like you got the come uncle Omar soon and that was making me angry He wasn't moving. He was just standing there like letting her feel him and shit and I couldn't beat him up. He was too big You gotta punch that white fat chick in the face again Oh, it was a black fat chick never mind. Well, that's why you're not gonna hit her.

Before she lost weight. That's what she was a black fat chick. Never mind. Well, that's why you're not gonna hit her. She's probably like a little before she lost weight. That's what she was. Black fat ladies are undefeatable. But what? There's no way. They got good armor on them. They been pitting on their whole life, nigga. You know what I'm saying?

Their whole life, dude. It's a scrum bitch, though. It's a scrum bitch. They are. Fat ass fucking bitch. And... Dirty, slobby, fat bitch. Yeah.

And they're loud. Loud, too. Am I right? Wait a minute. Tony. Okey-dokey. Tony. That ass fucking bitch. And dirty, sloppy, fat bitch. And they're loud. Loud, too. Am I right? Wait, Tony. Okey-dokey. All right. The crowd didn't laugh or groan.

They kind of just agreed. Yeah, they are loud. Like, okay, it's a comedy show, please. Just turn into a rally for half a second. Cam, I love you. You are the man. You went to a wedding and here you are talking about it. We're following his life in real time, the places he goes, the things he does. You're watching a comedian's process here. Every week he fucking does it.

Back to the bucket we Go, ladies and gentlemen. Now, this podcast is sponsored by Bilt. Folks, summer's around the corner and I'm already planning my next getaway. Maybe I'll go to Italy or Spain with my good buddy Red Dan. I love using points for travel and I'm always looking for more ways to earn. Here's a life hack, pay rent with Bilt to earn flexible, transferable points

and unlock exclusive benefits along the way. There's no cost to join just by paying rent. You unlock flexible points that can be transferred to your favorite hotels and airlines. A future rent payment, your next lift ride and more. Red band. Tony, BILT is the best. I love BILT. It allows you to earn points at home in your, and on travel. When you pay rent through BILT, you unlock two powerful benefits. First, you earn one of the industry's most valuable points on rent every month, no matter where you live or who your landlord is.

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Make sure to use our URL so they know we sent you. Joinbilt.com slash Tony to sign up for Built today. Hello there, this podcast is sponsored by OpenPhone. You know, if you're running a business, you know that every time you miss a call, you're leaving money on the table. When every customer conversation matters, you need a phone system that keeps up

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That way any teammate can pick up right where the last person left off, keeping response times faster than ever. Plus with AI powered call transcripts and summaries, you'll be able to automate follow-ups, ensuring you'll never miss a customer interaction again. So whether you're a one-person operation, drowning calls and texts, or have a large team that needs better collaboration tools, OpenPhone is a no-brainer.

See why over 50,000 businesses trust OpenPhone to manage their businesses' calls and texts. OpenPhone is offering our listeners 20% off of your first six months at openphone.com slash kiltony. OpenPhone is offering our listeners 20% off of your first six months at openphone.com slash kiltoni that's o p e n p h o n e dot com slash kiltoni and if you have existing numbers with another service open phone will port them over at no extra charge open phone no missed calls no missed customers and tonight we are going to meet Matt Rivas. Make some noise for Matt Rivas, everyone. ["Matt Rivas"] ["Matt Rivas"]

Yo, what's up? My name's Matt, guys. Yeah, I know you guys are looking at me right now. You guys are like, what is he? Yeah, my buddy said I look like an orange chicken. Yeah, because I look a little Asian, but I was definitely made by a couple of Mexicans It's true. I got, like, 30 of my cousins in the back of Panda Express right now. Yeah, I'm Mexican, man.

I used to be a simple man, though, growing up. I used to be a big butterface guy. Y'all remember those butterfaces? Yeah, everything's nice about a butterface. Not many of them out here, honestly, dude. All I see out here nowadays is these damn butter apples. Y'all heard about them? Everything's nice about her butter Adam's apple.

Yeah, I saw one the other day. I was like, what the fuck is this? Dude, I thought God was testing me. I was like, is this an Old Testament scripture? Am I supposed to kill it right now? I didn't know what to do, man. Yeah, I was kind of turned on. I'm not gonna lie, dude, this bitch was six foot.

Looked like Kim Kardashian, but her Adam's apple was the size of my kneecap. I was like, damn, girl, you got three ACLs? Could at least get one of Derrick Rose, man. I appreciate it. I'm done. Mary Eves doing jokes. I like it. Orange chicken. Good one. Fuck yeah.

All right, well, sideways five from LaMare to get things started. Um, hi, LaMare, you want to say something? We're kind of bros. Oh, you know each other. Yeah, right, we're kind of bros. Yeah, yeah. Okay, how do you guys know each other? Because he loves orange chicken.

Yeah. I see him in the drive-thru a lot. He get that shit right. It is wild how Asian you look. You have absolutely Asian eyes, and no Asian in you whatsoever. No, I mean, I got a little Japanese in me. Okay. Barely. Yeah, that's the eyes.

That's the eyes, yeah. Yeah. The strong semen. The 2% is your eyes. Yeah. And the hat. John Deese pointsmen. The 2% is your eyes. Yeah. And the hat. John Deas points out that is how Japanese people wear hats.

Normally when rolling dice in the squatting position. Yes, exactly. You know exactly what I'm talking about. What do you do for work, Matt? I work at a smoke shop here in town. Okay. What do you just? Yeah, it's a smoke shop.

So pot and stuff like that. I get some wraps and stuff. Okay. It's a cool spot. What kind of wraps do you just... Yeah, it's a smoke shop, so pot and stuff like that. I get some wraps and stuff. Okay. That's a cool spot. What kind of wraps do you prefer? Do you smoke blondes? Oof. I, growing up, man, I used to be a big Swisher guy. Uh-huh. Now that you've grown up, how do you smoke? Papers, man.

Rolling, regular white rolling papers? Regular old white rolling papers. Oh, there's a fan of regular joints there. Okay. I like this guy. He's got a swag to him. Like, I think the other comics bummed the audience out so much that he didn't do as well as he would have done. So I blame the other comedians for not fucking doing it.

Maybe it's true. There's a lot of bucket pulls that were struggling tonight. It was a real thing. There was a guy that said that, uh, Hook'em Horn's gay brother, he was terrible. Remember him? Remember that? You guys remember what we've been through?

Guy that said, there's 14 women in here. Like, he could count really fast and see in the dark. Somehow he knew what everybody looked like and the glasses they were wearing, but also it's overwhelmingly bright. I can't see, but I know what's going on out there. And then there's you. You've been doing jokes.

How long you been on stand-up? Uh, three years. Three years. You go hard, though, right? You do this a lot at nighttime. Yeah, a lot. Do you do that orange chicken joke differently? Sometimes do you try a different delivery system? Yeah, sometimes, but I've tried it multiple times.

It's, like, the best. I mean, kind of the best way I figured out the way it works. But I try every now and then different, but. It's a really, really good joke. I just, I'm not positive that I think there's, I would, yeah. Yeah. You know what you're doing. Appreciate it. I figured it out.

Yeah, exactly. What else have you been talking about on stage lately? What are some like premises and stuff? Man, the trans women are crazy, man. Have you really run into one? No, I haven't. It's just interesting. Everybody loves talking about trans women. It is very, very compelling subject nature.

It's because it's like your best friend could be a trans dude as ASAP. Like, you could be a homie. You're the homie, right? You're the homie, and next you know you're a chick. You're the homie, right? You're the homie, and next thing you know, you're a chick. You got tits. Holy fuck. Okay, LaMare? Doesn't Matt look like D.E.I. Short Round? Yeah.

From Indiana Jones? Yeah. All right. There he does. There you go. Matt, what do you do for fun? What are some hobbies of yours or whatever? Uh, I like to... Man, hobbies, dude? Fuck it. Play baseball. I should, like, play catch you do for fun? What are some hobbies of yours or whatever? Uh, I like to, man, hobbies, dude. Fuck it.

Play baseball, shit like, play catch. You play baseball? I did, growing up. You're an adult. I know. Fuck you playing baseball for? That's what I'm saying. I ask about hobbies.

I just do the time. When's the last time you played a game of baseball? Christ. Bro, like eight years ago. Like, do you ever go out? Do you go out in the city? Do you do anything? I go to baseball. Christ. Bro, like eight years ago. Like do you ever go out? Do you go out in the city? Do you do anything? I go to bars, man.

I just hang out, talk to chicks at the bars, you know. How do you talk to chicks? What's your opening line? I just tell them I wrote for Dave Chappelle and they're like, oh yeah, cool, fuck yeah. Is that true? No, I'm just kidding. Right, yeah, that doesn't make any sense. No, that's horrible.

But seriously, like when you're at a bar talking to chicks, like, what would you say? Would you be like, hello? Yeah, I'd be like, hello. It depends on where I'm at. All right, hold on. Pretend Tony's a girl you're hitting on at a bar. Yeah, I'm gonna come up on my... Fuck. Hold on. I'm coming up to the bar.

Here I come. Hold on a second. Here I come. Here I come. Here I come. Hold on. Okay, here we go. Oh, Lord. These size 14s are hurting today. Can't wait to get myself a Nassar Sparilla and fucking chill out.

Oh, howdy, boy. How you doing there, partner? Good, good. You mind? A guy like me just want to know what your sign was? Oh, I'm a, uh... You come off mine as a Scorpio. You seem a little spicy.

You know what? I am. Oh, yeah. I don't know how you guessed that. Oh, wow. Who would have thought? Hi, what do you say we jump back on my horse? Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha.

Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. You want it?

You like it back there? You want it right in the front, Matt? Ha ha ha. Matt, come on. Let's switch positions. Whoa. Whoa. Oh, well let's's switch positions. Whoa. Whoa. Oh, let's go, Matt. Yeah.

All right. Matt, what's the gayest thing you've ever done? I think it was that interaction. I'm not gonna lie, that was the gayest shit I ever done. Come on. Come on. What's the gayest shit you've ever done? Dude, that was beautiful. I think we had, like like a real connection there.

Oh, okay. It was pretty romantic, Tony. I was surprised I had it in me. You're kind of a stud. What's your biggest regret in life, Matt? You have a regret? You ever wish you did something a little bit different? Bad interaction right there.

Okay, please let the fucking interview happen. Here we go. Jesus Christ. There's a part sometimes where the guests realize that they can answer the question and get a very light laugh. All right. Biggest regret in your life, Matt Reeves.

Honestly, I wish I graduated college, man. Okay, why do you wish? I've never heard that one before. Me, I'm a proud college dropout. I love the fact that I got the fuck out of that. But it's because of my mom, man. My mom, she just wanted me to graduate. That was the one thing she asked. Right. And I fucked up.

Okay, how far into college did you get? I was like three years in. Oh, wow. That's pretty fucking deep. Yeah, it was deep. Like, a lot. Money deep. And how much do you owe still? Fuck, bro. Like, probably like $50K? $50,000. $50,000 do you owe still? Fuck, bro. Like, probably like $50K?

$50,000. $50,000? And imagine. There's some victims in here. Working at a smoke shop. Some victims. Like, I've been there. Working at a smoke shop, that's gonna take a long time.

Absolutely. You didn't take care, take advantage of that Biden shit, like where they just threw it all away? Yeah, Biden totally did that. Well, my fiancé just got it. $40,000. I always hear those stories from, like, white people. That's crazy. You know, I'm just kidding. She's Asian.

She's Asian. Oh, fuck. Yeah, maybe if you just show them your eyes. Matt, you've been on this show before. What kind of joke book did you get then? I got a small one. You know what, Matt? Just because of fucking a good interview on Orange Chicken. You're the first big joke book of the night, buddy. Congratulations.

Appreciate y'all, man. Orange Chicken, Matt Rivas, ladies and gentlemen. And onward we go. You guys having a good time out there? How many of you like it when comedians do good on this show? How many of you like it when comedians do bad on this show? Well then you must be having a good old time. Ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket pull

goes by the name of Tim Stifler, everybody. Tim Stifler. Here comes Tim, everyone. Make some noise forler, everybody. Tim Stifler. Here comes Tim, everyone. Make some noise for Tim, everybody. Just before I hop into my minute, I got to do a quick ad read. No me gusta mi padre. No me gusta mi trabajo. No me gusta mi self. Oh, Dios mio, es better help. Para 25 descuenta usar code

rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. this cuenta usar code really depressed. Just gonna get the other one out of the way and then I'm gonna hop into my minute. Do you guys like pets? Come to pedophiles. Okay, I'm gonna hop into my minute. Um... Uh... There you go. Tim Stifler.

There you go. All right. Hi, Tim. Whoa, whoa, you're clapping for yourself. I like it. I've literally never seen that before that's incredible 700 plus episodes and little did I know that it was even possible I thought I've seen it all and then I turn around and there you are You're having a good old time

Tim welcome to the show. How long you been doing stand-up? Just a little over two years little over two years. We're at I started in San Diego for nine months, and then I here for the rest. How long have you lived here? A little over a year. Okay, perfect. What do you do for work? So I was in advertising, and then I quit that,

and now I mean, I'm starting a comedy club. So I just started at least. You're opening your own comedy club. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Congratulations. I love that. That's smart. Thanks. That's fucking... That's a great way to do it.

Yeah, it's called the Sunset Strip 2. Oh, brilliant. Brilliant marketing. Brilliant marketing. I was just gonna say, it's a bad idea. Don't do it. Yeah. It's got the highest ceilings, even higher than you. Are you really starting your own comedy club?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. For real. Where are you at in the process? so it took us six months to find the place finally found the place We're in the negotiations back and forth for the actual contract the leasing contract. Did you inherit a bunch of money? How do you plan on buying a comedy? I? owned an agency and then I Got bought out because I found stand-up and just got too obsessed with that. Speaking of ads, you were talking about being depressed

and you mentioned another company, but I wanna remind everyone that Talkspace is actually, the licensed provider is right for your needs, typically within 48 hours. You can also switch providers at no extra cost. It makes getting help convenient because you can take your appointments from the comfort and privacy of your own home.

You can even talk it up between sessions by sending messages to your therapist. And as a listener of this podcast, you'll get $80 off your first month at Talkspace. When you go to Talkspace.com slash Tony, enter promo code space80 to match with a licensed therapist. Today go to Talkspace.com slash Tony and enter promo code space80 to get $80 off your first month

and show your sport for the show. Tony, I love TalkSpace. Yeah. Yeah, me too. It's important to remember that TalkSpace is the place to go. Yeah. No other company. My bad. It's your club right across the street from the sunset?

No, no, no, no, no, no. There's another club being built across from your club. That's opening up. Wow, this is some fun. Are you serious? This is amazing. Yeah, I'm telling you, it's a bad idea, dude. No, yeah.

There's like a hundred comedy clubs here, though. Yeah, well, that's what happens when you're near the live comedy capital of the world. I am so nervous. I did not know I would be this nervous. Let me tell you something. Let me just cut you off. Relax for a second.

Let me talk. Just let me talk. Yep. A lot of people have been nervous tonight. Relax for a second. Let me talk. Just let me talk. Yep. A lot of people have been nervous tonight. No one has handled it better than you. Oh. Everyone's nervous. How could you not be nervous? I would be nervous for this show, and it's my show.

If I got pulled out of the bucket, I go, oh, fuck. I thought it was gonna be fine. But, yeah, no, thank you. Thanks for saying that. What's up, guys? What is going on over there? Everybody's freaking out tonight. He just stopped handling it well in front of our very eyes. Yeah.

This is a small stage. I didn't realize it was gonna be... It's always... Everything is smaller. Everything is smaller than you think. The fucking... Whoa, Jesus Christ. All right. There's literally an audience member that's like, I can do it.

I can do this. The bucket pulls have been so rough. There's people trying to be funny from the crowd. Okay. Very good. He's got a funny face, that guy. Okay. You dumbass.

Stick with me over here. Jesus fucking Christ. This is crazy what's going on in here tonight. How tall are you? Because you are adorable. Oh, thanks, man. You too. Um, 5'10", probably.

You're not 5'10". Uh, yeah, you're right. I think with these fucking combat boots, I'm like 5'11", probably. Uh... Oh, for real. It's time for the tape measure! Oh, ladies and gentlemen,

there is an absolute 0% chance that he's 5'11". There is no way that he's 5'10 without the boots on. You're about to catch a man in a lie. Everybody, Yoni has the tape measure. This is one of those moments that you'll never forget for the rest of your life. Yoni, make sure that it's nice and level there at the bottom. Five-nine. Five-nine.

Five-nine in the boots. We're gonna call it five-seven without the boots. And now back to the point that you are adorable. Yeah. Little squeaky double you. Oh, man. Uh, five-ten, five 5'11 in the combat boots. Holy shit, dude.

What do you think this is, your dating profile? You think you can just catfish the world with humans looking directly at you? I just... I... I'm fucking 6'6. What do you expect, Tony? Life ain't easy looking down upon everyone all the time. Have you always thought you were 5'11 by the way? No, there's no fucking way.

No, 5'10, but I was like, these have some girth, so I thought maybe like five, I don't know. What the fuck are you talking about? Holy shit. My bad, dude. What's your love life like? Nothing really going on right now. That's because you're a liar.

You're a cat fisher. Yeah, that's my... You're a fisherman. Yeah, no. So when's the last time you were in a relationship? Uh, I had a really quick, crazy thing like a month ago. Yeah, wouldn't you say a quick, crazy thing? Let's take a breath and tell me what you mean by that.

Uh, she's probably gonna watch this, and, uh, that's fine. That's wasted breath and time right there. Let's talk about what happened. Um, so I, uh, this girl, this has never happened to me. This girl slid into my DMs. Like, literally never happened.

And I was like, what the fuck? And I looked at her and I was like, oh shit, she's pretty hot and ex model. I was like, what the fuck? And then I met up with her and she was cool. And like we vibed probably the most passionate, crazy week. And then really irresponsibly, we were just like, yeah, let's get in a relationship. And then immediately after that, she just, like, was nuts. Like, she just... Okay. Here we go. So let's take it one beat at a time here.

Passionate week, meaning, like, she comes over to your place. We hang out every night. And every night you're having all-out, unprotected sex. Am I correct? Yeah, yeah. That's right. Very good. The cat fisherman caught a dolphin. And there you are. Passionate, unprotected sex.

Your bed is covered. Eye contact. Eye contact? Who doesn't love that? One of them, look at the ladies getting wet in their panties at that part. Who needs sex when you have straight eye contact? Unbelievable. Are you sure it wasn't a dude? You homo? No, I'm kidding.

Eye contact's gay. That's gay, dude. And I would know. Yeah. All right. So, when you say, after a week, first of all, let's talk about how you introduced relationship into this. Were you like, man a week, first of all, let's talk about how you introduced relationship into this. Were you like, man, I fucking love you? Yeah.

It was my fault. It was my fault. I didn't say love, but I did say, yeah, we should do a relationship. And I'm 35. I'm older. Yeah. So she was like 26, and that was super irresponsible. Yeah. Lewis loves bad decisions. He gets an applause break for bad decisions.

It's not a bad decision. It's a young, hot babe. What? It's a young, hot babe. What is he supposed to do? Yeah, what could go wrong, pancreatitis? Uh... Psh! Okay, Red Band, Jesus Christ. Okay. All right.

So, when you say things start to get a little crazy, what do you mean? You're allowed to talk about it. It's your life. This show, everyone does a minute. And then it's a fucking interview. You're being interviewed on a podcast. No one knows what questions they're gonna get. You're not under any crazy circumstance.

I'm saying this for her when she's watching. Is this all, you just have to be honest at this point. No, honestly, fuck her. She's like, oh, okay. Well, you didn't have to say that. That's crazy to say. You may have been the crazy one, and now I'm on her side. Okay. When she started getting a little crazy

or things got a little crazy, what do you mean? Give us the first thing that happened. Not the most extreme thing. We'll get there. The first where you notice, like, ah, shit. Like, was there something you didn't like about her? Like she has like a weird like butthole or something? No, no she had a normal butthole. Um.

No. Just basically. You almost, you almost stopped at but there and I was gonna repeat that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Very specific. Sometimes it's, sometimes there's things. Yeah, there was a hole for sure.

Yeah. Yes, that's what you need. Just needs to be a hole. For sure. 100%. That wasn't weird. Um... I think the weirdest... The beginning of weird.

The beginning of weird. Was she like, I'll cook for you, and then she, like, burnt the pancakes? It wasn't that exciting. It was actually kind of sad. Like, she... That night, she, like, had a pancre attack, and she's, you know, like, all of a sudden...

It was like, gong girl. Like, she was perfect. And then... And then once it, like, happened, it was like... She didn't take her meds to your place, did she? No, probably not. And I don't judge that. That's totally cool. Totally cool. And if you ever run out, remember, talk space. And if that ever run out, remember, talk space. And if that doesn't work, try some voodoo ranger.

And if you lose your job, go to ZipRecruiter. Okay. Let's go back to the fun here. Okay. Guy has a panic attack. Did you guys smoke weed? Is there something that onset the panic attack? No, she was like, she was like,

I told you this was gonna happen. And I was like, no, you didn't. What are you talking about? Oh, my God. I genuinely almost spit coffee all over the front. You can thank me later, you two. It was so close. The I told you this was gonna happen is nuts. What day was it when she said,

hey, just to let you know, there might be a part where I fucking go fucking crazy? That, by the way, that would have been the moment of... That would have been the answer to the actual question. The answer to the actual question was, at some point a couple days in, maybe even the first night, when do you think she told you the shi... I don't think she told you the shi-

I don't think she did at all. Oh, you just weren't listening. You were fucking, you were busy with that eye contact. Just fucking... Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, Getting in the comedy club game. Once these negotiations, more eye contact. All right, so she warned you. She says that she warned you. LaMare, what do you think about this? I was just gonna say eye contact, sex, kinda rules.

LaMare. Fucking LaMare. You're a psycho. LaMare is losing... LaMare is using this appearance on this show to try to get a woman to fall in love with them. Look, I just believe in a woman president and eye contact during sex. It rules.

Look, we all love eye contact during sex, but the way... Well, you can't say eye contact during sex. It just happens. You can't be like, oh, my favorite part of the sex was the eye contact. No, it's the wet pussy with a dick moving back and forth. God damn it, I'm sick of all this bullshit.

And my wet pussy, I mean wet butthole. And he looks back at you and you say, sir, I love you. What has this show become? All right, so it's a panic attack. What type of panic attack is this? Is this, is this, she's sweating, she's laying down, is it like... She was wet, she was wet for sure. Right, right. Hell yeah.

Yep. We were in the shower, and then... Well, I mean, she should be wet in the shower, okay. You know what, that was... Yeah, you were in the shower and then you were like, I'm gonna go to the bathroom. I'm gonna go to the bathroom. I'm gonna go to the bathroom. I'm gonna were in the shower, and then... Well, I mean, she should be wet in the shower. Okay. You know, that was...

Yeah, you were in the shower, and what happened? And then she, yeah, just was like, I'm freaking out. Oh, shit. How long did that last? And you tried taking care of her, because you were like, we're in a relationship. I was like, it's really cool what's going on, and then she... You're still trying to fuck? You're like, well, it was cool, man. Don't worry. Hey, babe, no, it's all good.

Hold on, let's use some of these tears. Luber can't eat, fuck at it. I'm fucking Tim Sniffler. That's your actual name. It's Stiefler, but... Oh, it's Stiefler. It's all good. Oh, boy.

Stiefler, you barely knew her. Literally. You barely knew her. All. You barely knew her. All right. So she says she's freaking out, and then what happens? I mean, we got through it, and then there were, you know, then it was like every day, and she was just like, yeah, this is how periods work.

But then the period, like, never ended, kind of. Right. Yes. It was like, it was, you know. It was more like an exclamation point. Yeah, it was for sure. Right. And you were like, I'll fix her. This hot model, the only reason she's with me, there has to be a reason why she's single.

Yeah. And how long did that last? The period? Sure. What you could, what with the? The relationship? Yeah. It was like maybe two more weeks,

a week and a half after that. Okay, so how did you let her know that you were no longer interested? Was it ever the same after that panic attack? No, it just kept getting worse. Right. Yeah, she like definitely lied about breaking into my apartment while I was gone.

Oh, within a three-week span, she broke into your apartment once. Yeah, then she started dating other comics after we broke up. Oh, after. Well, yeah, that makes sense. But breaking, explain to us how she broke into your apartment.

She, okay, so I left for a trip. She was the only one that had, you know, access to the apartment. And then she said that she went in there and and there was, like, a water burger bag and, like, all this shit. And there was nobody else besides her that could have been in there. Like, there's just nobody.

Wait a minute, you gave her access to your apartment? Yeah, but she said... That's not breaking in, you fucking idiot. You gave her the keys to your apartment. A stranger you let into your apartment who had pan attacks in the shower. That is completely on you. Well, she said somebody else broke into the apartment

and then left all their stuff and made a mess. And then, um, okay, I've... This is gonna make me sound like such a fucking psycho. Yes. I love this. Don't stop. I never... I never lock my apartment. Yes. I never do it. I just am a Don't stop. I never lock my apartment. Yes.

I never do it. I just am a very trusting boy. And, um... Wow. By the way, that's San Diego, everybody. San Diego. I never lock it, never lock my apartment. It, you know, like, has a gate, so I just... What's your address exactly?

Yeah. What size television screen do you have? Um, and then... Yes, I don't know. I never lock it, and then somebody... Sorry, I don't know what I'm saying anymore. I never lock it, nobody's ever broken in. I've been there for the entire time that I've been here.

And then when I'm gone gone and she's the only one that like has access, all of us, somebody for, okay, yeah, that's fair. That's fair. What were you gonna say? It's not that interesting. No, go ahead, finish it. Yeah, I mean, she's the only person

that could have actually gone in was her. That's right. Yeah. Sorry, I'm a bad storyteller. No, you were a great storyteller. Your interview lasted 17 and 1⁄2 minutes. It was fantastic. Thank you.

Clap for yourself. Tim, congratulations. There's a big joke book. What's the name of the comedy club gonna be, Tim? Um, Dumb. It's gonna be called Dumb Comedy Club. Dumb. Dumb Comedy Club, everybody.

You can't even make it up. It's actually a pretty cool name. Ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket poll goes by the name of Sarah Sloan. Sarah Sloan. So my mom is super Hispanic and I'm talking like very Hispanic. This is how she wakes me up in the morning. Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr She has trouble pronouncing my name, so she has to call me Sarah. She has to call me Sarita. I have some bad news next.

My dad is white. Boo, ew, eh. So he likes to call me stupid. He likes to call me ugly. Yeah, no, that's fun. Oh man, so before I moved out here to Austin, my parents were talking to me, and they were like,

Sarah, never in our lives would we have imagined that our 22-year-old daughter would still be living at home with us, leeching off of us. And I was like, whoa, whoa, whoa, I'm gonna stop you right there. I'm 27, okay? My parents have always been extremely pro-life until they had me. Now my mother is four after-birth abortions,

and I asked her up to what age, and she was like, whatever age you are. Guys, thank you so much. Applause Sarah Sloan, welcome back to the show you've been on before. Yes, sir. You famously have the legendary horse noise. Would you like to do it for the audience?

I would love to. Yes. It's what I do. This is her bread and butter. Ladies and gentlemen, we had her do it in arenas. And this is the greatest horse noise you've ever heard. Here I am riding. Hold on. Let's just play along here. Here, it's just me coming into work on my horse.

And... Aah! It's unbelievable. Unbelievable. That's right. People are in awe looking at each other, like, did you hear that right now? It boggles people's minds. But that's basically the only thing that you're good at.

We've tried to figure this out. We've heard a couple minutes. So, Sarah, how's life been going? It's been amazing. Yeah. Especially ever since, yeah, being on here. Yeah. Like, you change lives. That's what I do. Yeah. Absolutely. You wouldn't think so by the attitude

of some of these fucking bucket pools earlier. I got to tell you, these people. Well, if you'd let me tell the story, Tony. A lot of that. A lot of attitude tonight. But you seem to get it, Sarah. You're a good person. Have you ever had a panic attack in the shower? Ha-ha-ha-ha! Only when I look in the mirror. I love it.

Well, I know she can't make eye contact, so... Why? Because she's autistic. She's autistic. Yeah. With a horse noise like that, you'd be surprised. We'd be surprised if you're not autistic. LaMare is deeply in love right now. No. I was judging a roast battle and Sarah was on it,

and I learned she's a racist. Ooh! It turns out I'm in love right now. Uh, hello, Sarah Sloan. Wow. Wow, wow, wow. Thank you, LaMare. I've always kind of wanted to fuck Garth from Wayne's World. This is very exciting.

Party on, Wayne. I love it. What kind of guys are you into, Sarah Sloan? There was this YouTuber that, he does microphone interviews very nerdy. And just think, like, a male version of me, and I was really into him. Did you hit him up? Did you... I put in the comments, I, like, a male version of me, and I was really into him. Um... Did you hit him up? Did you...

I put in the comments. I was like, Hey, you said you were single in your podcast. That's crazy. I've had a baby crush on you for a while. Baby crush. Baby crush. Who was the U-Azmengold? Like, who was the YouTuber?

He's a... He listens to microphone reviews. Should I say it? I can say it? Yeah, say it. His name is Bandrew, and he has the channel Podcastage. Bandrew, Podcastage. Yeah, it's a pretty big, yeah. Nothing was ever gonna happen between, look at me. It was never gonna happen.

No, Sarah, you're adorable and you're so likable. And do the horse noise one more time. I mean, it's unbelievable. and do the horse noise one more time. -♪ Mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, Mary, you little shot here. Really try. Blegh! All your horses have such deep voices. Blegh! I'm a horse!

La Mer-lee, ladies and gentlemen. Here it is. Oh, oh, he almost died. Whoa! Oh, my God, a little black beauty over here. Holy shit. That's incredible, Lamar. Absolutely unbelievable.

Fucking look at this. I love Mr. Ed,. Oh my god see biscuits When he sees biscuits Lamar always has peanut butter on the gum. It's a big fan of the Kentucky Slurpee. He also has to replace his shoes every week. Oh, God. Oh, my God. Absolutely incredible. Oh, God. Oh, my God. Absolutely incredible.

So, Sarah, when's the last time you were on a date with somebody? I've never been on a date with anybody, ever. Wow. Really? Really? Never? Never. I don't get it. You seem like... How? Look at me.

Why do you keep saying that? You're adorable. Mike, look at Mike. Mike, look. Big Mike over here. Is there something you want to... Then hit me up, Big Mike. Mike, say it into the microphone, Mike. Then kiss me.

Mike, why don't you... I was kidding. I was kidding. Have you kissed... I was kidding. I was kidding. I was kidding. Kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss.

Let's go, Big Mike. Big Mike. He's taken over. Big Mike. Big Mike. Big Mike. Big Mike. Big. Let's go, Big Mike! Big Mike. Big Mike.

Big Mike. He's taking off the hat. Let's fucking go. Let's fucking go! Let's fucking go! Oh, yeah. Look at that. Oh, yeah.

Look at that. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Look at that. Look at the color coming to her face right now.

Whoa. Whoa. This is a new girl. She's flirting. This is a whole new person, Red Band. It's a whole new person. Look at you. You've changed.

You just ruined my life. My parents are going to kill me. She's flirting! This is a whole new person, Red Band. It's a whole new person. Look at you, you've changed. You just ruined my life. My parents are going to kill me. Your parents are going to kill you for kissing a boy, Sarah? My mother is- You need to pull a fight.

If your parents are gonna kill you because you got kissed by a fucking- She hated the last time I was on this show. Okay, let me tell you something. Have you ever seen the Menendez Brothers documentary? It might be time for you to fucking ex-nay on the parent's nay, you know what I mean? I got half of the Ameri kids who are next then.

Lamar, look at Lamar pretending like he didn't hear that idea, just like, oh, just sitting along, just having fun. What do you... What's your mom's problem with you on the show and your appearances? It was OK. So it's like a raunchy show. A little, you know.

A little. God. Well, they were like, let's get lunch together, my parents. And so then I sit down and we ordered this really good food. And then they were just like, we're really, we're disappointed in you. And tell me more. I'm being dead serious. And then they were just like, we're really, we're disappointed in you. And... Oh, no way. Tell me more.

I'm being dead serious. And they were just like, you know, you laughed at what? I was like, just for those of you listening to the show, if you're wondering why we're laughing, there's a guy that sounds like he's dying of laughter in the audience right now. These are the fans of this show

have an unbelievable sense of humor, where someone, someone softly admitting that their parents are disappointed in them. Literally, there's a guy in the back of the room who's like, ah! Ah! Woo! Hehehehe!

It's unbelievable, sir. You are pure evil. Hehehehe! So they said you're disappointed in you, but why? That's unbelievable, sir. You are pure evil. But yeah, yeah. So they said you're disappointed in you. But why? Did they give any specifics? Yeah, you know, I thought you hated my minute. But my last minute, I thought, was better than this one.

And they said, they didn't say anything, acknowledging that it was good. All they did was just talk about how I shouldn't have been laughing at the jokes you were making about me. And they said they couldn't. Oh, you shouldn't have gone along with the jokes on a comedy show. They wanted you to stand there like a fucking stiff. You're funny. I can't help but laugh.

Well, you're goddamn right. They're the ones in the wrong. They probably had a lot of bad things about me to say about me at the end of October, early November. And look at us now. Look at us now. Your parents don't have shit coming out on, yeah, thank you. Thank you. How about that? How about that, Mr. and Mrs. Sloan?

Ha ha! Woo! Rrrr! Laughter Sara, what exactly do you do? What are you good at? Now that I know your parents are disappointed in you for coming on this show, I want to make your life even better.

Oh! So tell me, what do you do? How do I... How can I help you? I wish I had a... We have a sound board, or else I would have you here full-time making horse noises. I would love to. It's not in the budget, for sure.

And we have a budget, but that cannot... I cannot have humans waiting around. Oh, no, yeah, I like, uh... I really do like doing impressions. What exactly do you do for work? Oh, yeah, yeah, I'm a front desk girl. So I just very administrative. Hello, all the, yeah, very basic work. Because front desk girl. So I just very administrative. Hello.

All that, yeah. Very basic work. Because I want to make, I want to do an easy job so I can focus on this on the after hours. Right. So it's like in an office? Yeah, yeah. It's at a school. It's at a school. How much do they pay you? Tell me the truth.

Uh, $53,000 a year. I'm fine with it. I know it's nothing, but I'm fine with it. I got to be honest, Tony. That's a lot of money to me. Oh, okay. It is a lot of money, D.O. Okay.

Oh, yeah, supposedly to keep my job, I am speaking as a private citizen... That's right....on behalf of myself. Forgot about that. That's right, seriously. Ha ha ha. She's... Tony.

It's $1,000 per week. Yeah, $1,019.23 per week. Is that rea... Wow, I never broke it down that much. Yeah, your lifestyle. Tony, you compare me to the horse girl. Come on, dude. Let her quit that job. Have her be the horse girl on the show.

Yeah. It's a... It's a drop in the bucket, Tony. You know what, Sarah? This is... Goddamn it, Michael. Yeah! Yeah!

Yeah! We... All those horse impressions have my throat fucked up. Do you drive? You have a car? All those horse impressions have my throat fucked up. Ha ha ha ha. Do you drive? You have a car? You can, like, do things? You can show up places and do them properly?

Is there anything fucking nuts about you that we don't know? I'm really... I'm very competent. I really am. I know I don't look it, but I promise. Yeah. I'm about to piss off your parents so bad. Sarah. I don't know exactly how or what, but we are going to match your salary

and have you work for us from now on. Sarah Sloan works for me now. Be proud of your daughter next time, you idiots. That's for you, Mr. and Mrs. Sloan. Now she's mine. And you know what? I'm gonna give you $100 more than your annual salary. -♪ Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! -♪ Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! You have to go through a two-week trial and pass it. I have to make sure you're, like, not completely nuts, but... I promise I'm not. I need people to do things.

I need, like, groceries and stuff. -♪ Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Can you paint? Yoni and Christie will train you. They're very, very, groceries and stuff. Can you paint? Yoni and Christie will train you. They're very, very good, cool people, and it'll be good. Oh, my gosh. And it'll alleviate some of their pressures since they're big, fancy television producers now.

Did your parents ever offer you a full-time job like that? Psst, psst. Never have. That's right. Well, you know what? I'm disappointed in them. Psst, psst. You see that, Mr. and Mrs. Sloan? Congratulations.

Here's a big joke book, too. Welcome to the team, Sarah Sloan, ladies and gentlemen. How fun. It's easy. Easy fun. We're having fun now. People just figured out the loophole. They figured out a loophole. Come on the show, tell me that your parents

were disappointed in you laughing along at my jokes. Two-week trial. This guy, it's the same guy, just keeps pissing over and over again. Bend down, there's a fucking camera you idiot. Sarah Sloan, kick this guy out of here. Get to work bitch. Alright, your final bucket poll of the night goes by the name of Colton Jones, everybody.

Colton Jones. Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Hey, did anyone get the number on that sexy blonde I just passed in the hallway? Thank you. Yeah, my dad is a conspiracy theorist. He's also morbidly obese. That's a rough one, you know?

How do you tell a guy, dude, tap water is not the thing that you are getting too much of? I think it might be the Mountain Dew out of the NASCAR Cup, you fucking... Retard. I come from a redneck family. I think the only reason we even adopt dogs

is so we can shoot something seven years later. No, rednecks shoot our dogs. We talk about that as a society. We also shoot our cats, and you guys don't know that, but that is funny to watch. Obviously, when you old, yellow-red cat, you have to use a gun that has a laser sight on it. It's...

-♪ I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. Wow. Ladies and gentlemen, what a turn the bucket has taken as we come around the final band.

Colton Jones with a set of the night here on Kill Tony. Absolutely incredible, Colton. Very funny man, very likable, very jolly, strong delivery, great, unbelievable writing. Perfect, perfect, perfect all the way around. Welcome back. You've been on this show once before? Once before.

And this is your return. It's been a while, a year or two, right? It's been a while. That's right. That's right. How long has it... Last time I was on, Theo Vaughn was the only guest. And you kind of said a few times

that I look like a serial killer, but Theo kind of stuck up for me, is what I was... When was that? How long has it been? Uh... It's been... It's all good. We just wanted to... It's, uh, yeah, it has been, um, uh, like a year

and some change, I think. Yeah. Perfect. Remind us, what do you do for work? I, uh, I work at Sunset Strip. I, uh... Ooh, well, well, well. Looks like we're all fucking employing great people here. What do you do for work? I work at Sunset Strip. I am a... Ooh, hello, hello. Looks like we're all fucking employing great people here. One of my favorite people that works at the Sunset.

Oh, that's so nice. You guys should be, it's so nice. It's kind of crazy, huh? This guy, hell yeah. I wonder why I called you a serial killer. That's not creepy at all. It's just a shock is all. No, yeah, it's great.

And I produce a kind of a night show here in Austin called the absolute show. I'm one of the You know head writers on that starring Lucas McCrary and Liz splat. So love it Lamar Colton's one of the funniest people in the city. Yeah, I think we can all tell it's absolutely incredible Colton amazing. Yes Getting the crowd to make even more noise. God, this is great. Yes, it is. It is.

It is fun. I absolutely love it. What should we talk about? What should I ask you? I just got back from New Orleans today. I drove in yesterday. I killed a lot of hand grenades. I saw a bunch of homeless people be really good at the trombone.

New Orleans is a crazy fucking city. It is diabolical. I was there for the Super Bowl. I did a show the night before the Super Bowl. It was crazy. I've been there before. Every time I've been there, it's crazy. There is a vibe in this city,

and I will say that for the first time ever, coming up, let it be known that our friend here, Luis Che Gomez, puts on literally the best comedy festival of the year, and it is happening this year in New Orleans, Louisiana, for the first time. Yeah! For the very first time. Let me ask you a question.

Colton, would you like to go back to New Orleans this November 14th or 16th? I would fucking love that. Wow. I would fucking love that. Wow. I would fucking love that. And now. We would love,

we would love to have you at Skank Fest this year, brother. He's doing Skank Fest. We would love to have you. You are a fucking killer. It's not only, not only did you do the best out of the night, but it was dark, genuinely funny fucking comedy. My type of shit.

I really dig your shit, dude. That's fucking great. Thank you, man. Very confident. You're going to have a blast there. For a man that is so grotesque, you have so much confidence. It's unbelievable. Yeah. Yeah, I'm sorry. Can I say it again? I'm having a stroke right now.

It's great. It's great. Lewis, could you have the whole absolute show at Skank Fest? Because it's a really great show. Lamar, that's crazy. Yeah. That's crazy. Let's talk about it. I'd love to hear about it. You're just fucking great, though, dude. You got a great energy. Thank LaMare, that's crazy. Yeah. That's crazy. Let's talk about it. I'd love to hear about it. You're just fucking great, though, dude.

You got a great energy. Thank you, man. I appreciate it. And if you're friends with fucking Red Ben, you're friends with LaMare, I know you're a fucking A-class dude, so I'll see you in New Orleans at Skankfest. I'll fucking be there.

How about that? Let it be known, you're witnessing history. Colton Jones booked on Skankfest, the most fun and the biggest comedy festival annually now. I used to always say that it was the best, and now it literally is the best. There is no more JFL. Netflix is a joke only happens every other year.

And so the best annual festival in all of comedy. It's also better than Netflix is a joke, Tony. I know you have a Netflix show, but let's get real. I mean, we do. Yeah, we... It's not. Yes, but let's get real. I mean, we do. Yeah, we. It's not. Yes, it's a superior festival. But as far as annual festivals, Lewis, you are truly just, I mean, it's unbelievable.

When I think about the amount of money that I get paid for Skank Fest compared to the amount of money that I get from, let's just say, let's just say all I have to do is 9,000 more skankfests. Actually, probably mathematically more. Way more. Yeah, way more. Just...

I'll still do it, just to be clear. I'll still go. You got it. Secret show. I'll be there! And you know what else? I have a sold out show here on Wednesday at 7 p.m. Why don't you open up that show too? That sounds great. In the Fat Man of the Mothership.

7 p.m. Boom. You got it all kid. Sunset. Mothership. Has Adam seen you before? Have you ever seen by the talent coordinator? You know, I don't really want to get into this too much, but I'm going to be the one You got it all, kid. Sunset. Mothership. Has Adam seen you before? Have you ever seen by the talent coordinator?

You know, I don't really want to get into this too much, but I did bomb on the mic earlier, actually. You did today? I went up, and, you know, it wasn't... It didn't go as well as this, I'd say. Well, there you go. But that... Hey, if you're listening at home, kids... That's how life goes sometimes, and you just...

You drink too well, gins, and you pick yourself back up. Boom. Colton Jones, ladies and gentlemen. Wow. Absolutely, Colton. There he goes. And there's only one way to end an episode like this, ladies and gentlemen. And it might not be the way you think.

Ladies and gentlemen, there's a young man who, as I text with my fellow administration members of the United States of America lately, I implore them on a daily basis, make this man an American citizen. You'd be surprised how hard the process is as I laugh with my friends. You know, by friends I mean the head of the FBI,

the head of the CIA, the vice president, the president, the head of the CIA, the vice president, the president, the head of national intelligence, the head of health. There's a bunch more that I'm missing right now. Elon Musk. There's a lot of people that I text throughout the week. You'd be surprised. And I tell them all, we need to make this man a citizen.

And they play hard to get, they play hard to get, but goddamn it, I know it's gonna happen. One day, he will be known as the American Assassin, but for now, he's simply known as the Estonian Assassin. This is Ari Matty! Mattie! What's up? Fuck Southwest Airlines. Give me a fucking seat. Dude, I didn't know it's legal to sell 360 tickets and then just let us baboons figure it out. Where am I sitting?

You know when you get out like an aisle seat and then another guy's got the window, and you try at all costs to keep that middle seat fucking open. You watch these group F motherfuckers. You know when you're covering the aisle and you try to look as insane as possible? Ah! Ah! Stay the fuck away from my middle seat. That's why now I carry a Koran.

I put that shit down. Hamala! Yala! Up! And hey parents! Leave your shitty fucking baby at home! What the fuck's he got going on in Phoenix? Let me tell you, if you approach my middle seat with a fucking baby, I'm gonna be weird to that baby. How old is it? Single digit.

The most delicious. I'll fuck your baby for some legroom. Thank you so much. I mean, what the fuck? In real time, you're watching a fucking absolute monster grow. This is crazy. Dude, before... If you... If there's a person in the fucking world

that doesn't find that funny, that means they've never flown southwest. Yeah, we as comedians, dude, it's a battle out there, dude. And by the way, and the stewardess, you slobber shit fat fuck. Some of them are rudest fucking... And the stewardess, you slobber shit fat fuck. Some of the most rudest fucking... What is it? Waitress?

What is it? Stewardess? Yeah. Stewardess. I took a hundred milligrams before I came out here. I'm fucked up, dude. I remember last time you were fucked up when I was on this show, dude. I am toasted right now. Thank God this is not on Netflix. I might say it inward, you know what I'm saying?

I'm fucking lucid, dude. When you told me I'm gonna be on today, I already took the edible. You know when the edible is in your stomach like this? Oh. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. One, two, three. Ha ha ha. Ew.

You poor bastard. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. All right, that bit was so fucking funny. I didn't have an ending though. I I was, like, trying to find it. No, it was fucking... It was literally appropriate. I leaned into Tony. I was like, he just fucking wrote that? That's crazy.

It's so... You're so talented. Every time I see you on this show, I'm blown the fuck away. Genuinely, I think one of the best comics working today. Genuinely, I really mean that. Oh, thank you. There's no question about it. So funny. And it's...

This is the work. You see this? Yeah. That's real. That's... You can do that. People will not sit next to you on Southwest if you just fucking... Oh, yeah. Just keep that fucking flailed right towards that middle seat. Let them know.

Wow. I mean, it is wild. Not only are you, like Louis just said, one of the best comics working today, but it's just amazing to me that, you know, we've just never had, you know, I mean, it's you and Cam clearly showing the process, showing that, you know, every week, I mean, people must be waiting.

And if they're not, then they don't know how hard stand-up comedy is Or how it's also so much fun, dude Oh exactly how that panic attack like literally I took the walk slow Because I have three things in my head that are literally just thoughts. Yeah, you know, and you just have this fucking Just the energy dude. Yeah, the fact that you live for that pressure shows what kind of beast you are. And that's what, you know, some... It was a story of the night, right? It's like, oh, the lights.

Ooh, I'm nervous. Ooh, I'm nervous. Transferring that energy into fucking being present and delivering your bits, being able to take nervous energy. And you should be more nervous than anybody, because you have high expectations to follow. These people absolutely expect you to be great, and meanwhile, week after week, while competing with yourself,

you seem to absolutely be crushing yourself. And it's incredible. It's amazing. And I am so fucking honored to have you be part of this show. You're a perfect fucking fit. It is crazy, like, you know, I'm such a big fan of comedy. I read every fucking book about the Comedy Store tonight, show, SNL. I'm such a big fan of comedy.

And I remember when I was reading all these books, so you watch a documentary about the gold rush of the 70s, everybody moving to L.A., you guys with Rogan coming up at the Comedy Store, you know, and you read that, you're always like, fuck, I wish I was in that time. And little do I know, I'm in the new motherfucking cold room. No doubt about it.

No doubt about it. You gotta learn to love it, baby. This is the era, and that is the Estonian assassin, Ari Matty. How much fucking fun did we have tonight, huh? The drive from Ryan J. Ebert is in and it's a glorious one. That is Lamar and Louis J.

Gomez. Look at that. That's incredible. How about one more time for the great Louis J. Gomez, Legion of Skanks, Story Wars. Guys, check out Story Wars sometimes. This is, I truly believe, one of the other great shows. I mean, I've always talked with you about, you know, doing a live show in front of a live audience that has like a format and a built in fucking thing because people like that. Legion of Skanks is one of the best podcasts with fucking dudes talking shit just loosely.

And Story Wars is, without a doubt, I mean, I told you, I've only done it once. I'm doing another one this week, but the first time I did it, I told you, that's a hit. You have a hit on your hands. Congratulations. One more time for Luis J. Gomez. Check out Story Wars with a Z. Skank Fest, I believe, has already sold out.

I know the general sale for Skank Fest is May 2nd. Presale VIP tickets are already gone, but May 2nd, they're going to sell out very quick. May 2nd. May 2nd for the normies. It's your last chance. Get your Skank Fest tickets. How about one more time for the great, powerful

LaMare Lee, everybody. Panties in the Mouth Pod. That is the name of his pod. He's got a backpack that he's holding up like a championship belt. He's panties in the Mouth Pod. Thank you to Blue Nile, Talkspace, Voodoo Ranger and Zipper Cruder. Let's see what Chris Rogers are did tonight. Oh, that's me. Look at that. Let's see what Chris Rogers arted tonight.

Oh, that's me. Look at that. That's me. Hell, yeah. Look at that fucking hairline. Better than ever. How about one more time for the best stamp band in the land, huh? Hey, thanks for your support for in the land, huh? -♪ Woo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo Tell your friends to watch it. Go watch it again. Just put it on. Just put it on and leave it on.

Then put it on again. Then watch it again. Alright. God bless this audience. We went through the whole fucking range together. The rough bucket starts. The regular's absolutely crushed. David Jolly, Camp Patterson, and Ari Matty.

And then from the bucket we went from fuckin' what an adventure. We love you guys, thank you, goodnight everybody. The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open! Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday! Go to SunsetStripATX.com for tickets! you This podcast is brought to you by Aura. Imagine waking up to find your bank account drained, bills for loans you never took out, a warrant for your arrest, all because someone committed a crime in your name.

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