KILL TONY - KILL TONY #104

Episode Date: June 29, 2015

Greg Fitzsimmons, Morgan Murphy, Erik Griffin, Pat Regan, Sara Weinshenk, Kimberly Congdon, Tony Hinchcliffe, Josh Martin, Brian Redban - Date: 05/11/2015 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to Kill Tony. Go to our website, DeathSquad.TV, and click on Tour Dates. You'll see that we are at the Ice House every Friday for a comedy show. Every Monday, we are at the Comedy Store doing Kill Tony, which you're listening to right now, and that's a free show. Also, me and Dean Del Rey are going to Toronto July 18th. We're going to be at the Big Picture in Girard Street. Check us out. It's going to be a lot of fun. It's going to be a huge party. We're going to be at the Big Picture in Girard Street. Check us out.

It's going to be a lot of fun. It's going to be a huge party. We're going to be a podcast, burlesque dance. It's going to be a lot of crazy shit. And tickets are almost sold out. So go to DeathSquad.tv and click on tour dates for Death Squad Toronto, July 18th. And then me and Dean are going to San Jose, California to one of the most craziest improvs in the world. This San Jose improv is huge.

It's like a palace. And we're going there July 30th. Death Squad, San Jose. Me and Dean Del Rey, July 30th at the San Jose Improv. And the Death Squad secret show returns this month. Well, July.

Next month, I guess. July 8th, we're going to be at the Comedy Store in the main room. It's a show that I put on once a month, and I make it just a crazy show. In the past, we've had Louis C.K., Dane Cook, Chris D'Elia, Joe Rogan, Doug Stanhope, so many people. So tickets are on sale right now for that. It's always a huge, huge party. Again, that's July 8th at the Comedy Store in the main room. The Death Squad Secret Show.

Also check out shopsquad.tv for all the Death Squad merchandise including the new hat and t-shirts. Check it out. And last but not least, don't forget to check out our golden pony, Tony Hinchcliffe, on his website, TonyHinchcliffe.com. All right, guys, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Redman

coming to you live from the Road Famous Comedy Center for episode two, volume two, Kill Tony. Here's Tony Hinchcliffe. Yeah, this is how the show starts every week. This is how we do it, everybody. Happy Monday to you guys. How are you?

Fuck yeah. How exciting. I'm happy to be here with you another fun monday night uh put your hands together for the musical stylings of the great pat reagan everybody you just saw him doing a little crowd warm-up warming up the crowd lukewarm very lukewarm we'll call that a light defrost maybe uh i love it i told you one more song. You decided to play your 12-minute long Shine On You Crazy Diamonds style song. I like that. Every song tonight was 12 minutes long.

Really? Wow. It always feels like 12 minutes, but I always look at the numbers, and they're a little bit shorter than that. How you doing, Pat? I'm doing good, man. Doing good. Last week sucked for me, personally. Yeah, you got made fun of a lot.

You kept dropping bombs from three-point range over there. It was rough, so hopefully you know tonight goes a little better. There he is, everybody, Pat Reagan. I'm here with the great, as always every week, the one and the only, my main man, Brian Redman. What's up, guys? We are here. We are going to be in San Francisco tomorrow at the Punchline if you're watching this live on Ustream. And Periscope is the new thing that all the kids are doing now.

Yeah, and we're two of the kids. Yeah. We're on Periscope right now to a bunch of people. Hi. 132 there. And we're on Ustream, everybody. Hello to our friends live at Ustream. There they are.

And we're going to be at Sacramento on Wednesday. So Tuesday, San Francisco. Sacramento, Wednesday. Check we're going to be at Sacramento on Wednesday. So Tuesday, San Francisco. Sacramento, Wednesday. Check it out. Yes. San Fran and Sacramento. There you go. And other than that, check out our tour dates because we're always announcing new stuff. How fun. Hi, live audience.

Back to you guys. How are you guys? That's the promo part of the show, everybody. That's the part where we have to get our advertisers out. I love this guy in the front row. You have headphones around your neck like you're about to walk to the UFC octagon. It's up with the headphones. Just at some point, if the show goes bad, you're just going to throw those on and listen to music.

I like your style. May suggest Pat Reagan's album off of Spotify. Pat Reagan smells like shit. off of Spotify. Pat Reagan smells like shit. If you're the kind of guy that likes pre-show crushing, then get that album. We also have Ryan,

who I met last night at a show. He's drawing the show right now. Ryan J. Belt. Check out his artwork on Instagram. He's going to be drawing tonight's panel and maybe something crazy that happens. An amazing artist. Very happy to have him. And finally, at Josh Martin Comic always running around

making sure that everything is running smoothly so yeah, let's get right into it guys, this is the show where comedians watch comedians doing comedy and I always have two of my funniest friends on the show two of the best comedians that just so happen to be in town at this time I'm so lucky to have these two two of the best comedians that just so happen to be in town at this time. I'm so lucky

to have these two. Two of the best comedians in the world, two of my favorites to watch. Put your hands together for the great Morgan Murphy and Greg Fitzsimmons, everybody. Hell yeah! Here we are. And we are live. Morgan, you are one of those people that I have been trying to get for literally the two years that I've been doing this show.

You get a weekly text because I book it myself. And it's like, you know, I just go for it with all my favorite people. And I've been able to get everybody pretty much except for like the two massive, crazy comedians that are unbookable. You were the final one on my super list. Thank you. That's so flattering. I apologize for not being able to. I work a lot, and when I'm not working, I don't leave my house.

But now I'm excited to be here. Yes. And I plan to bring it. Yes. There you go. You know who I feel bad for right now is any comic who is friends with Tony who has not been asked to do the podcast.

Right. Yes. The list has been fulfilled. Yeah, exactly. If one of my buddies is listening to this right now, I can't have you on the podcast just yet. Morgan took your spot. Yeah, that's it. Greg, you've been on

this show before. Good to have you back. How's it going with you? It's going good. It's good. I got orange pants on tonight. Going for it.

Hi. People love orange pants on podcasts. Pumpkin spice, right? I think they'll feel it. I think people are going to feel it. It's I was in Spain

and all the Spaniard men were wearing orange pants.. I think people are going to feel it. I was in Spain and all the Spaniard men were wearing orange pants and I said that's going to be a fashion thing in the States and so I picked up a pair and so far not catching on. But I'm wearing them. You're also wearing a hat. I almost wore a hat and I'm glad we didn't both wear hats because you can't have

two hats and a plaid shirt on one stage. That would be... It's true. It's true. Two hats. One hat too stage. That would be... It's true. One hat too many. It would be three hats. Hi. There it is. Hot pumpkin spice.

That's what they're saying your pants color is. Or maybe they're talking about Morgan's hair. That's true. Does the top match the bottom, Morgan? I mean... You wonder why she didn't come on the show. You didn't even ask the ignorant question correctly. Unbelievable. That's Brian Redban, everybody.

Yes. Every week... Oh, I'm not supposed to answer? No, I love it. No, I love it. I assume that... My vagina also has freckles and a dead tooth. Every week I have...

Is that what they mean? I don't know. I don't know. What are the freckles? You know, I don't know. I'll get that figured out. Every week the co-host asks the guests a question. Pat Reagan is one of the funniest young comedians in the world,

and it's always fun to see what he wants to know about my friends. Morgan, I got a question for you. Yes. All right, so a little back story. Last week Ian Edwards was on the show. He hated me. He ripped me apart. He told me that one time I asked him to look at me while he was talking to me,

and he said, in order for me to look at you I'd have to respect you oh and uh I actually because you've you've worked a lot in late night Jimmy Kimmel Jimmy Fallon um so maybe you have some intel on this but I was curious the question that I asked him that he sort of came back at me with a little negativity with I would just like to pose to you. So, Cone O'Brien, he's a big guy, so he's probably got a big dick, right? So, my question is, like, so do

you think that he wears two pairs of underpants to hide his dick on screen so it doesn't poke through and show? No. Wow, did she just Ian Edwards you I don't know no that's a great answer that's it I don't yeah he does yeah is that what you think you would have to do

if you had a big dick is where two pairs of underwear is that what you think big dick people do Pat that's what the belt is for you put underneath the flip cage no one even knows. Straight up. Do it north. You put a soft penis under your belt? No, you do. You stretch out the head and

put it over the belt. If I had a big dick, I would wear it out of my pants all the time. I think. Pat, what would make you think that you'd have to wear two pairs of underwear? That it would strap it down better? Well, I mean, if you're wearing boxer briefs yeah i would definitely boxer boxer briefs two pair of two pair of boxer briefs

would buffer it would be a buffer zone between a large penis and some sleek dress pants one would think it sounds like that you one is thinking about it. And you're the one. Greg, I have a question for you. Yes, sir. Okay, so I've had a longstanding sexual and emotional relationship with you. And then, actually, sorry. What? That's so crazy.

I had a longstanding sexual relationship with your dad, emotional and sexual relationship with your dad, and then you died in a jet ski accident. So how did you come back to life? I don't know, but I'm going to start wearing two pairs of underpants. That was an unbelievable question. And as a fan of yours, Pat, I actually really liked it. He has an entire anthology of songs in his hit album talking about having sex with his best friend, Greg's dad.

It's called the Greg's Dad Quintilogy. I heard bits and pieces on the porch, but Morgan was downloading us on a new app. Is this Periscope? Is this being Periscoped? Yeah, Periscoping right now to 146 people. That's amazing. Well, I'm excited

about it because I'm always behind on these apps. I'm always the guy that finds out about Facebook after it's already dead. And I feel like with Periscope I'm ahead of the curve. You're at the helm. I'm at the helm. Yeah, you're like the Leo in Titanic. You're right at the front of the ship. I am a, what does he say, I'm the'm at the helm. Yeah. You're like Leo in Titanic.

You're right at the front of the ship. I am a, what does he say? I'm the king of the world? Yeah. I'm the king of the app. There you go. Well, guys, here we are. That was such a forced laugh, but I appreciate it.

It was a real laugh. No, you were the only one that bothered to try, so thank you. I laugh at things that other people don't laugh at. All right, good. That doesn't make me feel good. Yeah, you're killing it with the guy that laughs at unfunny stuff. So if you're laughing, I should be worried at any point.

Alright. Guys, so let's get into it. This is Kill Tony, where tonight, over 40 comedians scattered around the back and the upper attic of this place are all sitting right now, hoping to get pulled out of this bucket for the chance to do one minute of stage time. At the end of their minute of stage time, comedians, you know your time's up when you hear the sound of a kitty. That's what it sounds like. Don't go over your time or else you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear.

Don't go over your time. We're all sure going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. There it is. That's what it sounds like. So don't run your time. Just be done when you hear the sound of a cat. And then stay up here and we talk to you. Maybe we give you some advice, like, you know, on the jokes. Or maybe anything can happen.

Or maybe we talk with you. Maybe I ask you questions to see what else something else funny you can talk about is. So, you guys ready? This is very exciting. Wow. Okay. I always am intrigued by, you know, I've done a lot of hosting here. And I can almost always tell by the name, you know, what type of person we're dealing with.

And I'm really excited. This is the first time I've pulled this name out, so I'm excited to see what happens here. Put your hands together for Uncle Luke. Uncle Luke! Uncle Luke! Oh, for fuck's sakes. Alright.

Heard they're making a Back to the Future 4. This is about Doc Brown's children, I guess. They want to do a Michael J. Fox cameo in this thing, but they're running out of scenes where they could write him driving a truck down a bumpy road. Hello, everybody. Whoa. Why don't we just have Marty own his own roller coaster?

You know, we talk to him there. He's got Parkinson's. I'm tired of all the Arby's. Chew on that one. I'm tired of all the Arby's in L.A. closing. Every time I see Arby's has closed or turned into a Starbucks, I feel like a family member's died. Arby's is like that weird uncle that you only see at family reunions,

but you like him anyway for some reason. People hate Arby's, but I love it. I love it so much I even stayed with a girl that I didn't like a lot longer than I should have because her vagina looked like one of the sandwiches. Sorry. Sorry. Oh, Jesus. It's over already.

Holy shit. Wow. Fuck yeah. Holy shit. Wow. Wow. Fuck yeah. Uncle Luke. Yeah. Thank you. Gee, did I seem nervous?

Fuck a duck. Wow. Uncle Luke. That was, that was something else. What does that mean? Oh. Oh, that's not one of your sound effects. That was that.

Okay. How many times have you been on stage? A lot. This is number 83. 83. 83 times on stage, you're doing a one-minute set, and you have a cheat sheet in your hand? I know, I know, I know. I had a minute ready, but then I had no faith in the jokes, and I re-scrambled them all,

and I was like, I'm never going to fuck with you. You had no faith in the jokes that you were going to do that you didn't do? Yeah. Wow. So you went with your go-tos on that. Yeah, I went with my fucking A material. Right. What's Uncle Luke, what's the nickname?

I mean, how does the name come about? My way cooler black friends I used to hang out with because I was a filthy guy. Whoa. Just a dirty guy. Whoa, wait a minute. Oh, no, no, filthy guy. Whoa. A dirty guy. Wait a minute. Uncle Luke. Because Uncle Luke from 2 Live Crew.

Oh, Luke. Okay, yes. He was just a filthy, nasty guy. You're a fucking creep, man. You're Uncle Luke. I was like, alright. And the hair. Yeah. It's fucked up. I thought it was because he did like uncle humor. Right. Greg, you're going to talk to me about my hair? It looks pretty funny. No, I just don't know what's the goal.

I don't know. Yeah. How do you get that style? Fashionably disheveled? I don't know. You look like a Sharpie that's been used up. That's how I feel. Yeah.

It looks like you tried to shoot yourself with a blow dryer and you just put it up against one side of your head. And just held it there. It looks like Michael J. Fox steamed your shirt. I don't mean mean. This is mean. No, it's good to me.

I love it. It looks like you've got the profile of a Roman god. Nosicus. I mean, you seem very uncomfortable on stage. That's the whole thing. It seemed like you had really good jokes. Like, if you were really comfortable on stage, you can sell those pretty easily.

I mean, but you saying I'm sorry right after the roast beef thing, like you immediately bailed on the joke during the joke. It was I mean, that's your whole thing. If you can get past that, then you might be able to do something. But you can't do that's really how many times you've been on stage. There's no way you're going to be able to get better unless you get past that hurdle of being comfortable. Boom, you just got fucking truth blasted by Brian Redband. We're all here just making jokes, keeping comedy going,

and he just tells you straight up, you fucking suck, dude. It's all right. I got ways to go. You guys make me nervous. Are you from Pennsylvania? No, I'm from Buffalo. Oh, God, Buffalo.

That's what your problem is. How long did you live in Buffalo before moving out? 25 years. You're ruined. Yeah, you don't have a chance. You did you live in Buffalo before moving out? 25 years. You're ruined. Yeah, you don't have a chance. You spent 25 years in Buffalo. I would

also work on jokes that don't require... I'm not a good performer, so I try to have jokes that don't require me to perform. I feel like you wanted to act out the Michael J. Fox stuff, but you couldn't. So I would just try some written, maybe some one-liners,

and then it'll allow you to get more comfortable on stage. Yeah, I mean, the truth is that it's incredibly ineffective to do a Michael J. Fox joke, and then at the end of that joke be so nervous that when you hold out the paper, you're shaking like Michael J. Fox joke and then at the end of that joke be so nervous that when you hold out the paper you're shaking like Michael J. Fox. It was unbelievable. That's ironic. No, it's karma.

That's what it is. It's fucking true. Yeah. Well, your arms are huge. You look like you lift a lot of weights, which made it really humorous. And maybe you didn't do this on purpose, but you couldn't get the mic

out of the mic stand when you got up here. And if that was an accident, keep doing it. Okay. It was a happy accident. Uncle Luke, when you took the mic out of the mic stand, what did you say? Did you say like, oh, fuck me? Was that written on your set list? It wasn't.

That was some hot improv. Hot riffing I fucking did. How often do you work out? What's your story? I don't know. I work out a couple nights a week. A couple nights? Yeah, three nights a week.

Are you one of those, like, there's 24-hour fitness, and there's only two guys that are actually there at night? You one of those guys? Yeah. What time do you go? No, I go at, like, 8 o'clock or something. Oh, okay. No, not, like, late, late.

I'm not fucking crazy. Shouldn't you be hanging around comedy clubs at 8 o'clock at night? Yes. Yes. Well, I'm going over my shit while I'm working out. Really? No. I mean, these 83 times, and you've counted 83 times.

I have. I got that from Dean Del Rey. Okay. Anyway. I'm a big fucking comedy nerd. Sorry. That's why I'm so fucking nervous, goddammit. Do you have Tourette's?

That's what I'm aware of. You guys probably scared it into me, though. Well, I mean, what do you do for work? I rent motion picture cameras. You rent them? Yeah. A guy owns them, and I rent them. So there's a guy that owns them, and you rent them?

Yeah. So what do you do for work? I mean, I answer the phone and shit and say, do you guys need a fucking camera when I call? It's a rental house, Tony. Yes. That's not a work? I answer the phone and shit and say, do you guys need a fucking camera when they call? It's a rental house, Tony. That's not a nice way to answer the phone. Yeah. I'm a buffalo, man.

Do you have trouble pulling the phone out of the holster? Don't be bad at that job, too. This is terrible. I know. I feel bad saying it when it comes out of my mouth. I keep looking at Tony going, you got me into something. It's great. Yeah, this is it. I signed up for it bad saying it when it comes out of my mouth. I keep looking at it and I go, you got me into something. It's great. Yeah, this is it. I signed up for it.

Natural Roasters. We're just building, Greg, we're just creating people who are going to hate us for the next 15 years of comedy. One of us is going to be a fucking movie star 10 years ago. Oh yeah, you told me my fucking dick looks small through my pants or something. Remember this nose, asshole? For some reason, you guys are going to have to call the rental house for the camera, and that's the only time to really deal with Uncle Luke. What's your last name, Luke?

That's another reason I'm Uncle Luke, because the last name is Aline, and it's nasally and nerdy, and it's hard to spell and hard to pronounce. Your last name is nasally and nerdy? Aline. Yeah, it's terrible. So you think the last name would – You think that the last name is so nasally and nerdy that that's what's going to over-nasally and nerdy you?

I did up until this point. Aline? A-L-I-N-E? A-L-L-E-I-N. Just own your last name, man. Who cares? Who cares if it's Pickledick? Just own it.

That's what it means in German, actually. No, fuck that. I'm all for the crazy name because nobody does that anymore. Greg doesn't want you to succeed. No, come on. Think about it. If you look at a guy with one name, like look at Godfrey, right?

If Godfrey didn't have one name, he would be fucking Al Godfrey and he would be not successful because he's a horrible comedian. What do you mean? I'm kidding. I'm totally kidding. I love Godfrey.

I was trying to think of an example of somebody who was bad and I couldn't think of one, so I said Godfrey and he was trying to think of an example of somebody who was bad, and I couldn't think of one, so I said Godfrey, and he's a friend of mine. So you're saying if Kevin Hart was just known as Hart, that he wouldn't be successful? Point taken.

Why'd you have to pick a black guy to make mine seem worse? That's a good point. You're right. I did do that. When I was first starting out, I was at the Boston Comedy Connection. Are you from Boston? Okay, so this woman calls up the club, and we'll assume for the sake of this story that she's an overweight black woman. And she says, who's on the show tonight?

She was from the 1800s. And they said... I believe that's when you were doing comedy, yeah. Go ahead. They said, well, it's Anthony Clark, Jackie Flynn, and Greg Fitzsimmons. And she goes, is Grapefruit Simmons the headliner? And at that moment in time,

I should have changed my name to Grapefruit Simmons. And I didn't. Now I'm sitting in an attic doing a podcast. Oh, my god. Grapefruit Simmons. Wow. I would be fucking huge right now. You would be.

All your jokes would end with like, you don't say that to Grapefruit Simmons. My headshot would just be like citrus. There's some of the best Photoshop's on Google. If you just Google Grapefruit Simmons on there, just check it out. It's hilarious. It's become my alter ego.

I love it. You have that on an, just check it out. It's hilarious. It's become my alter ego. I love it. You have that on an album yet? That would be perfect for now. I need to just make – you know what? Right now on Kill Tony, change my name to Grapefruit Simmons. Yeah. From this point forward, only Grapefruit Simmons. It's such a pleasure to have you.

I got orange pants. Yeah. Mr. Simmons. Thank you. All right. Uncle Luke, what did you learn here tonight? I need to do this a lot more. If I spread them out, that's when the old nervousness

creeps back in. I've got to work out less and go to the comedy clubs more. Do better jokes. Change your hair. And also, don't wear shirts that's intimidating for people to see your big arms

it's distracting it'd be like you know a woman with big tits wearing a low cut shirt on stage do you ever wear a low cut shirt

on stage no you don't I don't on purpose is that weird I don't you just stuttered

so it is weird I don't have low cut shirt I'm not yeah I don't even think I wear it I don't think I wear one evered so it is weird. I don't have low cut shirt. I don't even think I wear it. I don't think I wear one ever. But do you think that that's a thing for females? Yeah.

It can be distracting, right? Yeah. It can be very distracting to be a beautiful woman. Well, you are a beautiful woman. Thank you. But that's why I don't show my tits on stage. Because I don't think people would listen to my jokes.

But what if the jokes weren't going over? Then I'd just take my pants off. And show your two pairs of underwear? And show my two pairs of underwear. Well, Uncle Luke, it's going to be a rough night at the gym tonight. Sure is. I had fun with you.

There he goes, Uncle Luke. Uncle Luke! Follow him on Twitter at WeirdFellas2. I feel sorry for that benching... That bench. You don't know what things are called. I don't go to the gym. I don't know what they call it.

Furniture. Some benchies. For the benchies. So this is people are mean. This is mean. Okay, I'm going to keep doing it. I love it. Oh, wow. I'm glad we could keep you here, Morgan.

I feel so bad being mean. Oh, stop it. Oh, you cut the shit. You were the meanest one out of all of us. I know! Because I think of the things, but then I like to tell other people and have them say them. It's not always mean. Sometimes people come up here and they do really good, and then we try to talk to them and figure out other stuff that they can talk about. Because you're clearly joking when you're being mean, as opposed to Brian, who's serious and mean. No, I was just bullshitting with him.

He sucked. That was all fake. You know, okay. I pulled another name out of the bucket, everybody. This is another new name. Put your hands together for Kirill Baru. Yes. Do it.

Do it. Oh, shit. You know what that means, Tony? I know that dude. I went to lunch with him five years ago. Wow. He should change his name him five years ago. Wow. He should change his name to Uncle Kirill. And he still hasn't gotten over it, that lunch.

But he missed his spot, so he just got blacklisted. Oh, shit. Really? Pat. No, nothing. Kirill Burrill? What? Oh, you should draw Uncle Lou again.

Oh, that's where you normally used to make a noise. Blacklisted. There you go. Very good. There it is. It works every time. I don't know why you made me wait for it. All right, I pulled another name out.

This is, I believe, another new name. I mean, I can pretty much tell when these are interesting names. Put your hands together for Marty Worst. Oh, my God. You know what? Oh, okay. Well, great. Let's go get him.

Oh, this is always exciting. Yeah, that's great. How many caretakers does he have? We have six or seven year olds sometime here. Wait a second. This isn't Marty Wurst. What?

Oh, you're Marty Wurst? Oh, you're hanging out with underage boys. Let's do this again. Alright guys, give it up for Marty Wurst. Marty Wurst, everybody. Thanks, guys, give it up for Marty Worth. There he is. Marty Worth, everybody. Thanks, guys. I hate internet trolls.

I hate them leaving their hateful comments everywhere, poisoning the atmosphere. It's like, do they get up in the morning with their Apple Jacks, and they go sit at the computer, and they're like, all right, how can I fuck up someone's day? And they go to the YouTube search engine and they type something like, happy event. And the first video that comes up is like a kitten falling asleep. And they write something like, that kitten's a gay piece of shit. All right.

It's not even 10 o'clock. Almost reached my quota. It's going to be a good day. It's not even 10 o'clock. Almost reached my quota. It's going to be a good day. I love it when there's a whole string of hateful comments going all the way down the YouTube page and then right smack dab in the middle

is a genuine compliment. So it's like, Opinions are not facts, asshole. Suck a dick, homo. Great video. Now I know how to make a birdhouse. What did you say, gaywad? Shove that birdhouse up your ass.

When you go to the profile page, it's always some militant 15-year-old holding a rifle like, ugh. All right, thanks. I'm already worse. Fuck yeah. I'm already worse. Talking about internet trolls. I love it. The only part that offended me was that you think Applejacks is the serial of internet trolls. I love it. The only part that offended me was

that you think Apple Jacks is the cereal of internet trolls. I like a good bowl of Apple Jacks. I like to think that internet trolls are more like Chex or something like that. Something bland and plain. Wheat puffs. No sugar. Marty, how long have you been

doing stand-up? Just like two years. Wow. And your real last name is Worst? Yeah. Unfortunately, yeah. Uncle Luke, you should change your last name to Worst, and you should just be Marty Luke, because Uncle Luke was the worst. Is it too soon for that?

Right. Too soon for... Another Uncle Luke joke? It's a guy you missed earlier because you weren't allowed inside. What's the deal with your young buddy here? What are you, Socrates? Oh, yeah.

That's exciting. How do you know this little fella? From the Long Beach scene. We did little fella? From the Long Beach scene. We did mics together. From the Long Beach scene? If there is a scene. The Long Beach man-boy scene. I would love someone to be that casual about like,

oh, yeah, the Long Beach nambla scene. Right. Or just the scene. The scene, yeah. That's what you would call it. Right. The LB scene. You do look, and don't take this in the wrong way.

I thought your set was really good, and you seemed like a good guy. But I wouldn't be shocked to find out that you were into boys, like into young boys. It's funny, because this came up in my first appearance as well. You just have that, your hair looks... Right. You're telling me, your hair looks... Right. You're telling me you weren't in a 90s rock band? Not at all. But you do play guitar. No, I don't.

Do you play any instruments? No. How the fuck is that possible? You should to explain the luck. Take up an instrument. Work backwards. You definitely hacky sack, right? No, no. No hacky sack. Snowboard. No., right? No, no. No hacky sack. Snowboard.

No. Fish or the Grateful Dead. No. No. None of them. Sell weed? No, I don't. Not anymore. I don't smoke weed.

What's your day job? You don't smoke weed? No, I don't smoke weed. What? How many pairs of binoculars do you have? Ah, look at that. You stumped him. But yeah, pedophiles know pedophiles better than anyone.

So you met this young boy on the Long Beach scene. You're walking by a playground. You're like, what's up? You want to do an open mic? My name's Mike. All right, guys. What's the story? The Long Beach scene, what does that mean?

You guys were doing stand-up together? Yeah, he was hosting an open mic down there. How old are you, 13, 14? 20. That's what you have him say, huh? He's legal. He's 20, but he plays 12 His safe word is 12

Fuck yeah Marty Do you have a girlfriend? Yes How old is she? 20 32 32? She's older than you No I'm older than her

I'm 34 Are you 34? Yeah You look 36 You look... 36. You look 30. No, you look young. Yeah.

I liked your set. I thought that the... I liked the commitment to the longer bit. You know, that's a tough thing to do on a one-minute set. You had like a whole chunk. It almost timed out perfectly. It was too bad that he started a new joke because I knew that he would only get a few seconds of it into it.

Birdhouse reference was a delight. That was fun. Truly, truly really funny joke. If you didn't look the way you do, I wouldn't have made all those jokes afterwards. I would have just talked about that. But it's amazing to me that you don't do any of those things.

What's your favorite hobbies? Big movie buff and I mean, I love comedy. Right. Gotcha. Well, okay. You like stage lights?

Is that what you're saying? What's that? You like stage lights? No, it doesn't work because you said I love comedy, but if you just made the gesture and then I had said, you guys like, you just like stage lights? Just imagine the pop

from the audience. I guess so. We're going to have to just imagine it. That's Pat Reagan's comedy for you. Man, imagine had that gotten a big response. Just imagine it. We'll CGI it later.

We'll put some CGI in there. So, Marty, where do you take your victim after this? Where do you guys go? How do you get him back to Long Beach before he has to be ready for school tomorrow? Orange County for one more mic. Oh, yeah. Awesome. Wow.

I love it. I love the hunger. Yeah, it's great. Alright, Marty. Anything else? Any questions or anything? No, no. Thanks for pulling me out. There you go. Marty Worst, everybody. I wonder if that... Big date night for Marty. You think that boy is going to be saying, thanks for pulling me out later on?

Fuck yeah. Probably. That's an interesting little story there. It's tough to hang out with a 20-year-old at a club that's 21 and over. But Marty has those kind of balls. His name is Marty Wurst. You can follow him on Twitter at TheWurstTweet. W-U-R-S-T.

TheWurstTweet. Which is actually the worst address if your last name is worst. You must have a few minutes on your last name being worst, right? Yeah, definitely. Thank God for that. Okay. Put your hands together for your next comedian. Looks like another new name.

Reagan Talay. Reagan! Reagan! Here we go. From deep in the upper deck. Hey, guys. What's... Oh.

Ow. It's okay. It's fake. It's all right. It's all right. Vitam's. Fine. Fine.

Hey, guys. Okay. So my name's Reagan Talley. It's half Irish and half Arab, just like me. I feel like there's nobody more genetically predisposed to bomb a church. Okay, so my name's Regan Talley. It's half Irish and half Arab, just like me. I feel like there's nobody more genetically predisposed to bomb a church. I just can't figure out which one. I'm divorced.

Thank you. I got divorced because my ex-husband and I, we disagreed about fundamental things like domestic violence. It's funny because you all laugh at that and say who hit who. What if I was just like fucker couldn't take a punch? We have a child together. That's fun. Childbirth is weird because people will tell you about the pain, but what they won't tell you about is the amount of blood that comes out of your body during it.

I've heard somebody just go, oh, fuck. Really? It's just blood? It's all fine. But, you know, it's like the scene in Shining when the elevator doors open up. Like, I think. There you go. Reagan.

Thank you. Reagan, how long have you been doing stand-up? This is my third year this month. Third year this month. Reagan. Thank you. How long have you been doing stand-up? This is my third year this month. Third year this month. Yeah. Hell yeah. How old is your child? He's four.

Wow. So the comedy started a year after the child came along. Yeah. Well, I started writing it a long time ago, but performing stand-up three years. Yeah. Yeah. I loved your jokes. Yeah.

I like that domestic violence joke violence joke yeah it was really funny i actually didn't think it needed to go for that was like a funny one like a those are really funny joke but i didn't i thought that's where it peaked at the domestic violence line am i wrong well i think that was weird is i don't think that you were getting the response from the audience that the jokes warranted and i was trying to figure out why. Let's table it. You know, I'll tell you why. I say explore the divorce.

Just talk about that. I don't know. Whenever someone says, like, I'm divorced, I feel like, oh, there's going to be some real shit. Yeah. Some real shit going down. Like, what's the real shit? I mean, let's face it. The real thing that decided the fate of everything happened in the first second on stage when you took a

shot from yourself. And it happens. It happens once in a great while. It gets stuck and sometimes it just pops you. And it happened to you and we all, not only the thing, see the thing with getting, hitting yourself in the face with anything sucks.

We can all agree on that. But on the rare occasion when you accidentally hit yourself in the face with anything sucks. We can all agree on that. But on the rare occasion when you accidentally hit yourself in the face with a microphone, it really sucks. Because obviously everybody can hear that. So there's a double effect of you know, pop.

And it sounds so much worse than it actually is. Yeah, because it didn't hit your lip or your chin. It hit your tooth and it sounds so much worse than it actually is. Yeah, because it didn't hit your lip or your chin. It hit your tooth and it was really fucking loud. Yeah, it hit the canine tooth. It sounded a lot worse than it was. Yeah, I think you shook it off well and I like that you dealt with it quickly.

But I think that the reason why the jokes didn't hit as hard is because I think people get in it, even though they're listening, I think they're still also half, some of them are half daydreaming about, oh my God, how do you come out of that? What would I do if that happened? I feel bad for her.

All these different things that somebody can be thinking about doing something like that. That's just a typical response to my presence. You could say like, oh, too much teeth even with a microphone or something humorous along that line right that'll teach you to try to put that in my mouth yeah because then you just went right into domestic

violence and we all thought about you getting hit more and then it became a fetish for me that's just like one of that's that's a joke that i that i always tell and it always gets a laugh and sometimes i do just leave it on the domestic violence thing i don't go into it i don't explain it you know and sometimes it just hits right there on that one thing. It is a really funny joke. Thank you. You're Irish and what? Palestinian.

Oh, my God. You beat guys, I can tell. I don't beat anyone. Yes, you do. No, I don't. Nonviolent. Just got really good aim. See?

Oh, I see. Look at that. Dangerous. Your parents are which ones which ones the irish one uh my mom the mom of course yeah of course of course are they come on you're saying there's never been an irish guy the irish guys are racist if you're not fucking pasty white like us we're not touching it he's got a point how did they meet do you know yeah I do know

she used to this is terrible great she used to right she used to buy cigarettes from the gas station that he owned

I swear to God that's so fucking stereotypical yeah it's beautiful I'm so glad I asked that question I know

he was drunk looking for a pack of smokes. I was trying to come up with a story. I was like, make something up really quick. She'll be mad if you tell this. Wow. That's amazing. That's funny. So she still smoke?

No, no. She's been quit for like 30 years. Yeah. Something like that, yeah. Right. Since before I was born. Huh. What's it like having a Palestinian father?

Is he a tough guy? He was, yeah. He's been dead for about three years. Okie dokie. I guess the mother shouldn't have been... I should have to hit myself in the tooth with a microphone after that. I blame your mom. She shouldn't have been smoking at the gas station. That's right.

There you go. I never said how he died. A little promo for secondhand smoke from Greg Fitzsimmons. Look. Look. So did your dad own the gas station or he was a manager there? He did own it. Yeah.

He owned several businesses. They're all very stereotypical, like laundromat, gas station. Yes. Wow. Yeah. Wow. So you got some money in the family no he didn't give me anything yeah so you're like the opposite of a kardashian yes okay yeah but you're but okay

forget it um are your dad is your dad or are you would i happy about stand-up um no i mean i i don't know honestly i never talked to him about it at all no he wasn't like very like active or present it's getting really personal but he wasn't really present so like he doesn't he didn't never knew and he passed away before i like told him any of that or saw me perform or any you know what do you do for work i teach yoga and consult on all things yoga based nice who is the guy you divorced what was was he like? He was a dick. That's why I divorced him. How long were you guys married for?

We were married for a year. We were together for like three or four years total. Did he hit you? Yeah, he did. He headbutted me. That's why we got divorced. Wow. Headbutt?

He's a soccer player? No, just a twat. Wait, are you talking about ass sex or like head to head? Oh, jeez. You went for it. What headbutt? You went for it. Oh, a a twat. Wait, are you talking about ass sex or head-to-head? Oh, jeez. You went for it. Well, headbutt. You went for it. Oh, a headbutt.

No, it's a cheap shot. I know what you meant by headbutt. You don't have to repeat. No, a headbutt. No, don't tickle me after a joke doesn't work. After a joke doesn't work, you don't get to tickle me to make me laugh, to make me like the joke. You don't get to rewind. You're liking it now.

Okay, stop it. You're a very good tickler. I can't handle it. Fuck, I had a question. You tickled it out of me. Stop it. That's not a thing that we're allowed to do on this show. This is a strickle.

Tickle Morgan. So Reagan, your ex-husband tickled you with his head? Yes, but a little bit harder than a tickle. That's right. I got a concussion from it. You did? We did. Jesus Christ.

We're just getting over the dead father thing. I was going to say, he gave you a concussion. I know. I know. It's depressing. That's why I write jokes about it. He knocked himself out on you? No.

No. He head-butted me. I suffered a concussion. Oh. That's why I write jokes about it. He knocked himself out on you? No. No. He headbutted me. I suffered a concussion. It could work the other way. That would be pretty awesome if he gave the headbutt and she just had this fucking solid head and it just went out afterwards. I really like that version of the story.

The headbutt thing is really weird, right? I know a girl that used to headbutt me all the time. It is weird. It's very like. Yeah, Aiko Tanaka. It's a very shocking thing when it happens. You're just like, what the fuck? Did that really just happen?

You know? Interesting. Did he get arrested? He didn't. And I could have what I did instead. I said, you leave the house and you get therapy if you ever want to see your kid again. And that's what we did. That's better.

Yeah. That's good. I figured it was better. Yeah see your kid again. And that's what we did. That's better. Yeah. That's good. I figured it was better. Yeah, that is good. And he's calmed down a lot. And who's watching the kid right now? He's with him. Okay.

We have joint custody. Uh-huh. Yep. Wow. Tony's got some joint custody also in his pocket. Oh, yeah, I do. I'm in custody of a joint. Fuck yeah.

That took me a minute. I'm in custody of a joint fuck yeah is it too personal of a question if I ask what the argument was over that was it like a it probably is now that I see what

happens when I ask the question I think I know that it's too personal of a question to ask. Yeah, well, we've talked about my dead father, me suffering a concussion. I'm sure that's too personal. C-section or really? Isn't it always over DVR space? Natural.

Isn't that when it's always over? I swear to God, that's what's funny, is Greg did a spit take, but I actually had a joke that I was going to, which was the argument over, do we watch Breaking Bad or you know something else it's not funny anymore because I don't

believe in it because the spit take was so amazing but it wasn't anything like alright forget it it doesn't matter are you ticklish yes very oh my god You're out of control, Brian

Once you said yoga instructor He just got this glazed look Yeah, that's how it is That's a turn on for guys It happens, for women too It's on after Black-ish Up next after Black-ish Half an hour, people getting tickled

Reagan Reagan, I didn't even recognize you. I know Reagan, but you used to have blonde hair. Yeah. Because now you look more Palestinian. Yeah, that's why. It's more natural. I like it better than the blonde.

Oh, shit. Just figured I'd lighten up the mood a little. Thanks, Pat. I appreciate it. Yeah, the old hair dye. The old hair dye, lightened up the mood a little. Very good, Pat. Thanks for that.

Sometimes when I'm reflecting on this, I'll imagine that it worked even better than it did. Thanks, Pat. You want me to tickle Pat? No. However, there is something there. What's interesting is that if you married Pat Reagan by some chance, that would make your name Reagan Reagan.

Yes, it would. How would you feel about that? That could be perhaps the most Middle Eastern thing about you. You could open for Bruce Bruce or Ahmed Ahmed. Right, exactly. You guys can be the... Okay. I'm just thinking about what I would name that tour.

Like, Terrible Terrible? Something like that? No. Okay, guys. All right. Reagan. Oh, my God. Reagan, I had a blast with you.

Thank you. That domestic violence joke is probably my favorite of the night. And I say you can go either way. It stands alone as a one-liner. And also you could talk about anything. I mean, if you like talking about it and you say that it's therapeutic to make that joke, then get more into it. I say paint the picture. Talk about what it's about and talk about how it went down.

You know, a headbutt, that's an interesting, that's an interesting, you know, it's almost like, you know, how didt that's an interesting that's an interesting you know it's almost like you know how does how did he rationalize that like i'd hit you with my fist but maybe if i accidentally bump my head against you yeah you know i don't know but there's a lot to explore yeah there's a few different versions of that joke sometimes it's a story sometimes it's not it just depends on the format perfect i had fun with you reagan good Good job. Reagan Talley, everybody. There she goes. She's on Twitter. Reagan Talley. R-E-G-A-N-T-A-L-L-E-H. It's all happening. That tickling really took something out of me, Brian.

You're not allowed to do that anymore. Do you get tickled towards it a lot? Do you want to be? Wait, what's going on here? Do I get tickled towards it a lot? Do you usually tickle your girlfriends? If you have a girlfriend, you usually tickle them. Is that a part of your relationship? Because that's a huge part of Do I get tickled? Do you usually tickle your girlfriends? If you have a girlfriend, you usually tickle them.

Is that like a part of your relationship? Because that's like a huge part of mine. It's like tickling them and making them get tickled and stuff. Really? I just found this out recently, by the way. That's the only way I would relate to her. Like if she told me that story at the bar

about getting headbutt, I'd be like, oh yeah, my boyfriend tickles me. Sometimes. Totally relate. So I get it. So you hate it? You hate being tickled? I hate being tickled. Really?

Yeah, I don't like being touched. Oh, please, break. The knee is the worst part. It is, yeah. Underneath the neck? No. Don't touch me. Guys, I pulled another name out of the bucket. It looks like it's another new goofy name.

Put your hands together for Tommy Boy. Tommy Boy. How's it going, guys? Speaking of last names, my last name is Godlove. It's spelled just like it sounds, God and love. Having a special last name like that, I'm asked a lot of questions. Where did it come from? What kind of Mexican are you?

But the one I mostly get is, did you ever think about being a priest? And I say, yeah, I've actually thought about being a priest. I mean, I love kids, but not like that. I'm insecure about my hairline I took a razor, shaved it all off but you know I'm bald and beautiful but you know what it hit me the other night when I was laying in bed I said what if I tattoo the map of the United States on the top of my head will my Mexican beard hairs instinctively jump over the border

and give me the hairline that I want that's it Mexican beard hairs instinctively jump over the border and give me the hairline that I want. That's it. Fuck yeah. 45 seconds of thunder. Fucking dismounts. I love that. You're saying your last name is God Love, but you go by Tommy Boy.

That's always my nickname. God Love, a lot of people don't they're like, is that really real? I mean, is that a stage name? But it's actually real. Is God real? You mean? God is real.

God is real. God is love. That's what they say. I love your style. How long have you been doing stand-up? It's like my fifth time. Fifth time ever on stage? Ever on stage.

Fuck, yeah. I love that. Imagine him after 83 times. Yeah. Imagine him after 83 times. Yeah. Yeah, but 83 times, you're going to be Uncle Tommy Boy. I like your look because when you were walking towards the stage, and it's not that well lit,

I couldn't tell if you were black, Chicano, white, you could have been Asian. You literally look like there's no room you couldn't work because of what you look like. You could do fucking Mo' Better Monday, refried bean Friday. I'm not making these names up, by the way. Refried Friday. Refried Friday. These are actual names of comedy shows in LA.

You did throw a bean in there, which made it a little bit refried bean. Makes it a little more Mexican than even refried Friday. Refried bean burrito with a side of salsa and guac. Friday. I usually say that I'm not Suge Knight. So I say, you know, that's my first thing

because of the beard and the whole thing because he's in the news. You know, he ran over somebody. More like eats a lot of sugar night. Yes. You're overweight. A little bit. A little bit, yes. A little bit.

Brown and round. Yeah. You could also probably pull off like a Rick Ross dress for less. Rick Ross. Something like that. Right. You're very nice. You're the first person I've ever heard say God is love at the comedy store.

I think I've never heard that before. Right, definitely. Normally when somebody says something like that, they just turn into a puff of smoke and disappear at this club because it's so dark and creepy. Yeah. Did I cut you off, Morgan? No, no, no.

That was my only observation. I noticed you guys are looking at my belly. I don't know. What is that? Is it sticking out? I'll tell you what it is. It's a lot of overeating. It is a lot of overeating. I know, I know. If you're asking what draws our attention

to that giant picnic tablecloth that is obviously on top of a lot of picnics. You're double picnicked up right now. I want to bust it open and see what kind of candy's inside. That's a piñata reference.

You should have said hit it with a stick, Brian. Yeah, it's a pretty good sized belly, but luckily you're Mexican so you can wear the shirt hanging out. It looks good. You know, your average weight for a Mexican.

You really brought the belly room to the belly room. I did. So this is your fifth time ever on stage. I actually took the class here. Comedy class with Sandy Shore. Wow. I'll tell you, you seemed really comfortable on stage. The other four times you were on stage, where was that at?

The hot dog eating contest? Yeah. It was. It was. No, just here. Just here. Just here. I showcased for the class.

That's awesome. And a couple of other open mics. That's awesome. Oh, yeah. So you're just running around doing, well, obviously not running around. But you're going to shows. I stepped on it. No, that's all right.

We were both going to the same place. We met there. Hey, how's it going? It's nice here. Yeah, I like it. It's chilly. So you're an L.A. native, right? Well, I'm from Riverside.

Oh, shit. Now I know why you don't go by your real last name. Warrens, right? Maybe. Yeah. Fuck, right? Maybe. Fuck yeah. Maybe. Interesting. That's the best answer.

God Love definitely sounds like a throw up or red flag. I like God Love as a name. Yeah. I like it. If that's your name, go for it. I would take that name. I would, yeah. Exactly.

And when I asked you why you didn't want the name God Love, you said it's because people didn't know whether it was a real name or not. Yeah, they might get thrown off by that. Certainly they're going to get thrown off if they're not going to think Boy is your last name. And Tommy Boy, I don't know if you know this or not, but there was a movie. There was, there was. Yeah, it was probably what many people would consider a really popular movie. Yeah.

One of the most popular comedy movies ever. Grapefruit Simmons says you go with God Love. I like it. Or Bean. Bean would be good. But yeah, coming up with a stage name Tommy Boy, I mean,

it's just gonna, you know. Well, my name is Tommy, so. Right, yeah, but you know. Well, my name is Tommy, so. Right. Yeah, but, you know. You can call yourself No Country for Old Men. Right. Yeah. Or perhaps The Birdcage. Yeah. Ladies and gentlemen.

Or perhaps literally any other movie title. Right. You can literally pull out any movie title. Dirty Work. Schindler's List. Any movie title. You can literally pull out any movie title. Dirty Work. Schindler's List. Any movie title. Animal House. Friday. Friday? No, not that one.

I like Tommy Godlove. Philadelphia? Yeah. Tommy Godlove's a great name. That's amazing. Is there any family story of where that name came from? Well, I'm half Mexican, half German, and it's actually Godlieb in German, but when they came over Is there any family story of where that name came from? Well, I'm half Mexican, half German. And it's actually Gottlieb in German.

But when they came over from Germany, they changed it from German to English. That's what it means. Wow. Yeah. And how did you get rid of your tattoos? For the podcast listeners, there's a Mexican with no tattoos. No tattoos. No tattoos.

Wow. That is interesting. Mexican and German. How many babies do you have? Just one. I knew it. Just one. His name's Angel Godlove.

Angel Godlove. Angel Jesus Godlove. I know, it's great. Wow. Angel Jesus God and love? I know. I know, I know. Wow. Hey, I was watching Joel Osteen, okay?

I don't know. I was just trying to give him a blessed last name. That's a name that's going to be scrolled across the bottom of a lock-up bra episode. I know. Absolutely. There's no way a guy with a name like that. Perfect chest tattoo name. We're going to hear about him in 16 years starting a devil-worshipping religion.

Do you go to church every week? No. Fuck no. Why would you need to when you name your kid Angel Jesus God Love? That's got to be worth at least a thousand church visits.

There's a lot of Jesus points there. Tons of Jesus points. Oh, wow. I finally got one. There you go. The air horn. One of my favorites Fuck yeah so what do we do with that shirt after this Tommy

Burn it There's a lot of Walmart material I got going on Fuck yeah well let your German side You know throw it in the oven And uh Wow really Really all we've been through I make a reference

To what World War 2 Fuck you guys Really? Really? All we've been through? I make a reference to what? World War II? Fuck you guys. So it's always a part of the show lately where I just turn on the audience. I'm like, all right. Tommy, I fucking like your style, and you're one of my favorites of the night,

and for you to only be doing it five times, everybody else we've seen a few years, we've seen 83 days, we've seen a few years. We've seen 83 days. We've seen a few years. Keep doing stage time. What do you do for work? I work at a gas station. Get the fuck out of here. Are you

Reagan's dad? I could be. I work at 76. Really? 76? You look more like you'd be working I work at 76. Really? Yes. Ooh, 76. 76. Living that 76 lifestyle. You look more like you'd be working at the 276. Hey, what?

What's the 276? That's his weight. I would take 276 any day of the time. Are you bigger than that? Oh, way bigger, yeah. We're selling oranges on the side of the I-76. See what I did there? Which is actually a freeway in Ohio. Runs east to west.

Little known fact. Well, keep your chin up, Tommy. Do a chin up, Tommy. How long have you been working at the gas station? About a year. What are you doing there? Just a clerk? Just a clerk. Killing it, huh? 76 in Riverside. 76

over there, yeah. Just doing comedy. I love it. You working a lot of night shifts? Swing? Yeah. So I come here every Monday. I love it. Keep coming back. I'm looking forward to having you back. There he goes. Tommy Godlove, everybody.

Tommy Boy Godlove. Follow him on Twitter at Tommy Boy Live. Hell yeah. I like him. Yeah. Looks like a big Christmas present. Yeah, exactly. 76 sign.

Yeah. It's adorable. Pick another one, Tony. Okay, Greg. I mean, I was going to do that anyway, but shit. You really inspired me. This looks like another new name. Put your hands together for Monterey Martinez.

Monterey. So I'm bulimic about my sex life. I look at men and I'm like, I want this one, I want this one, I want this one. And then I hate everything once it's inside of me. I want to be a stepmom. I feel like I'm not good with children. To me, children are scary. It goes cancer and then children.

But at least with cancer, people are happy for you when you get rid of it. Thank you. Emotion. Perfect. If I ever fail at being a comic, I'm going to move to the South, because according to the Confederate flags everywhere, they really appreciate losers. All right. I thought that one was going to kill. No. I realize as I've gotten older, my priorities have shifted.

When I was younger, I used to care about having a family, having a career, and now all I care about is seeking revenge against people who don't laugh at my jokes. Somebody over there. All right, cool. That's been my minute. Thank you. Fuck yeah. Monterey Martinez.

How long have you been doing stand-up? Consistently a year, but it's been an on-and-off thing. Right. Yeah. Fun. Where are you from? Buffalo, New York. Whoa! It is very shitty. You're right. How long were you in Buffalo for?

Until I was 19. Perfect. You got out just in time. 25 seems to be the under-over. Well, no, no. You actually have to get out at a young enough age so that Marty Wurst will hang out with you. That's what we would call an electric callback. Remember the pedophile guy

earlier, guys? I hate this crowd. It happens always leading up to the end of it. I liked that joke. What was that joke? The abortion joke. It was great. I love the abortion joke.

Although I don't know if you meant abortion or getting rid of a kid once it was born. You could do whichever. No, but what did you mean? Abortion. Well, that's wrong. Yes. Yes. Getting rid of a kid is okay.

Hiding them in a dumpster, that's fine. Okay. Thank you. Okay, good. Do you have children? No. How old are you? 28. 28 years fine. Thank you. Do you have children? No. How old are you? 28.

28 years old. What do you do for a living? I work as an assistant. In the entertainment industry? No. Thank God. Just like a regular guy. Just regular.

Okay, good. What kind of assistant? I work for a guy. He owns like a global integration company. He does like consulting for like technology mergers. You should write about that. Satellite, satellite, joke. Interesting.

So yeah, that's fun. And you talked about that. And what did you start with? The bulimic joke. Right. I think you just rushed through it. I did. Yeah.

Because you're like a minute. You're like, oh, say everything. And then I was like, oh, there's time left. I think when you say I'm bulimic, you have to let it sit. Simmer, for sure. And then do the punchline. For sure. Well, this is dirty, but.

You know, bulimia, don't you like choke yourself? You throw up your food. You throw up, yeah. So you could also potentially talk about... Hold on. Everybody get your imaginations ready. Prepare your imaginations. Set your imaginations to crush.

Yes. Is that the end? Choking on a dick. Okay. Wait, that was that? Perfect. Was that just one big alley-oop for me the whole time? I love it. Thank you, Pat. Very fucking good. Well executed.

Well executed. How long have you been working the assistant job? Well, I bounce around jobs a lot, so this one, like, two months. Interesting. Why do you think you bounce around jobs so much? Because I don't know. I've always been like a cocktail

server and I have a really bad temper so if someone's shitty to me, I usually get fired. Right. Do you have any jokes about that temper? Yeah, sure. I mean, not if you're asking me to do it right now off the top of my head because I'm probably nervous, but in life, probably. Well, that's what we want.

Less the jokes than the description of the ability to have the joke at some point. That's what we're going for. Have you slept with any comedians yet? Have I what? No. Oh my god. How dare you?

I never in a million years thought you were going to say that right. How many minutes do you have? Would you say a comfortable set? I don't know. I'd say 10 to 15. Would you like to do five minutes this Friday at the Death Squad show at the Ice House in Pasadena, California? Whoa. Why is your arm around me?

Oh, I don't know. This is the moment every young comic dreams of. That's right. Can you do it? Yeah, for sure. There you go. She just got booked on a real show. Can you do it?

Yeah, for sure. There you go. She just got booked on a real show. Because she answered Morgan's question with a no. If you're wondering how show business works, everybody, you just got a great example of how somebody who hasn't slept with a comedian yet gets booked on a show before all the other... Challenge accepted. And how many ghost children

do you have? Zero. Jesus Christ. That's a real question? You knew what that meant? Yeah. Well, like, you have a girl. I've had friends that had abortions, obviously. I had to go with them. Yeah, you're doing fine.

You did nothing wrong, and then you just go with them. Interesting. Do you judge them when you do that? Yeah. You do? Yeah, I judge everything, because that's what I'm good at. But what would you do if you got pregnant?

If I just... I don't know. I just feel like I'm responsible. I use birth control. You use birth control? Yeah. Right. I just don't want children ever,

so I just do everything in my power to not... That's a powerful quote right there, Greg. Yeah. I feel like I'm 28. She never wants to have children ever. Yeah, we should write that down. Brian's about to book you to every Dubsquad show. Pretty sure you're booked for life. Clear your schedule.

You're an assistant to Brian Redband now. Perfect. Fuck yeah. Well, congratulations. You have a spot on Friday. Have fun with that. Wow, Friday night. Thank you.

Wait a minute. What does she get paid for that, Brian? $10. Whoa. Wow. She just took a pay cut. I'll give her $20. She keeps her mouth shut. Oh, my God. Jesus Christ, wow. She just took a pay cut. I'll give her $20. She keeps her mouth shut.

Oh, my God. Jesus Christ, Brian. It just depends on how many people show up. It's like that old Jewish joke that Andy Kindler always tells me. He's like, this Jewish kid goes to his father, Dad, Dad, can I have 50 bucks? And the father goes, 40 bucks? What are you going to do with 30 bucks? $20?

I can't give you $10. Why, $5 is a lot of... He does it for like an hour. He just goes down dollar by dollar for like an hour. I'm looking at her Twitter right here. She's Puerto Rican and Irish, which seems like the most dangerous combination in the whole entire world.

Puerto Rican and Irish. Wow, do you drink? Yeah, I'm good at it. Lied to domestic violence in the past? On my end, no. On your end, no. Wow, do you drink? Yeah, I'm good at it. Live domestic violence in the past? On my end, no. On your end, no. Oh, you've hit people. That's exactly what I meant.

Then she fucking eyeballed me when she said that. Yeah, I was like, you have orange pants. I just hate people with orange pants. I'm very violent towards them. Color flash. Yeah, it's the Irish in you. The Irish hate the orange. Really? The orange men. They love orange. Yeah, it's, well, it's the Irish in you. The Irish hate the orange. Really?

The orange men. They love orange. No, the Scottish, William of Orange, attacked Ireland, and he desecrated the population, and the orange men march every year, and then the Irish attack the parade, and it's a big riot.

I love your history podcast, Tony. I learned so much. Just driving to work. By the way, half of that is right. Right. It's always good to find out about the Duke of Orange in the middle of a comedy show. Irish classic.

That's why I have Argus Hamilton booked next week. That's just for you. Joke that only Greg will get. Guys, that's Monterey Martinez. Fun times, Monterey. Should we mention for the podcast listeners how pretty she is, by the way? Oh, yeah.

Sure. Very pretty. Did someone say no? I did. Oh, somebody went no. Like, because she's not supposed to be pretty that you want people to just imagine, like, she's... That you just want them to listen.

How pretty would you think she'd be based on her comedy? Prettier or less pretty than she actually is? Are you asking... You're asking me, like, off of the audio? I'm asking her in the audience, because I feel like she didn't want people to know she was pretty. She didn't want people to know the comedian was pretty. Well, because you always

want to be the underdog with comedy, right? Is that why you're saying that? I mean, like comedians, it's better to be like the fat Mexican. It's so much easier to come up and be overweight and make jokes about it than to be a pretty woman who then has to, like, maybe a lot of

comedians feel like self-deprecation is the way to go and it's hard to be self pretty woman who then has to like, maybe a lot of comedians feel like self-deprecation is the way to go and it's hard to be self-deprecating when, you know, you're attractive. People think that your life's been easy.

It's true. I know I always struggle when I'm on stage. Tony! Because I know people are just staring at me like, what laboratory was this guy created in?

He's so perfect. Yeah. The bone structure, the eyes. The hair. Sure. Yeah, sure. Guys, let's close this thing up strong. Every single week, we have two comedians who are regulars

that write and perform a brand new minute every single week. So basically their entire everything is documented out there. They are the only two Kill Tony regulars, and they each do a new minute. Starting out this week, going up first, former University of Florida student. And then she came here, and she did stand-up for the first time. And she's been writing and performing a brand new minute every single week since then.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's the stylings of Kimberly Congdon. Woo! week since then. Ladies and gentlemen, it's the stylings of Kimberly Congdon. Thank you. Guys, I had to break up with my last boyfriend because he turned out to be bisexual. He didn't tell me. And I'm not homophobic or anything. It's just

not my cup of fag. I feel like the signs were there for sure. You know, like, he was really into anal sex. And that was terrible for me because I didn't like wearing a strap on. You can't make people do what they don't want. Because that's rape. Rape's not something to joke about. Rape's really serious, actually. I've been raped before. And it's really sad. The only thing worse than being raped is coming while you're being raped. raped is coming while you're being raped.

It's like, nobody's gonna believe this. Because sometimes no means oh god. Okay. Out at 59 seconds. Wow. Wow. I love that. I loved that.

That's hilarious. I think there could be even more added to that fabulous rape joke. I think that's hilarious. Sometimes no means no. No! See, I want to do that, but it gets weird as a girl moaning on stage. Right. I think you're in for a penny, in for a pound on that one.

Wow. Wait, what is that? Well? She already she dug into it by you, but I was raped You're already right you already said everything that's gonna What does that mean did the Duke of Orange write that like Pass it down for hundreds of years. I've never even heard that say you never that's any a pound for hundreds of years. I've never even heard that saying. You've never heard that saying? Penny a pound.

Welcome. Let me give you some more advice, kid. Don't invest in the car. It's never going to take off. Stick with the locomotive. When you said you were raped, it kind of said like a weird, maybe leave that one sentence out.

Well, that's like the whole thing. No, I totally think it's worth exploring. I've done rape jokes. I've never been raped. I've never heard rape jokes from somebody who said, I totally think it's worth exploring. I've done rape jokes. I've never been raped. I've never heard rape jokes from somebody who said, I've been raped. It's like an interesting place to go. I would just keep working on. Who raped you?

Jesus Christ, Brian. Well, that's what everyone's thinking now that you said I was raped. Now that you asked who raped you. I didn't actually come, if everyone's wondering that. That's the first part of the joke I'm not like weird who comes during rape some people do on SVU they said that

really? yeah Mariska Hargitay said that her character in life and her character also that is a good question but she also fights for the rights of victims of sexual abuse in real life.

That's a stat that I'd actually be interested in knowing is how often that happens. It's probably so easy during normal sex for her then. She just looks at a dude and comes. If nobody comes during rape, how is that any different than regular sex? Am I right, ladies? What's up? Marty Wurst, any of the boys that you've raped have they ever come when you've raped them

you're still sitting over there hey let's ask the 12 year old I do genuinely think it's a pretty powerful place to explore like I don't even know if I could talk about it if I had gone through that is that the first time you talked about being raped on stage? Well, not on Kill Tony, but I've been trying this joke for a couple weeks now.

Right. And it's been working, and it's great. Not the rape, the joke. Yeah, that's fun. So what else has been happening? What else did you talk about? There's the rape thing, the cup of fag, and the... I think that was it.

Just rapes and bisexual ex-boyfriends. But I think that you should know that this episode is two years of Kill Tony. Oh, it is? Yeah. Oh, okay. Well, great. You're at our two-year anniversary, everybody. There you go.

A little fun fact for you. And I found it interesting that the last girl was Puerto Rican and Irish and violent, because I'm all of those things things too. Wow. What are the odds of that? It's like a total eclipse. You two are probably going to end up beating the shit out of each other. Is she the one that raped you? Yes. That was it.

So Kim, you've been doing a lot of spots other places too, right? That's interesting because I've always sort of wondered what your process is. Do you do things first here? But clearly not because you just said that you've been testing out that rape joke before doing it here. No, I do. I'll do like two or three mics before Kill Tony and then try it out. And then if it goes good here, I'll do it at a show.

Right. Gotcha. Tony, you sounded so jealous out. And then if it goes good here, I'll do it at a show. Right. Gotcha. Tony, you sounded so jealous just now. With what? You're like, you're doing the minute somewhere else before here? No, no, I definitely encourage them to go up other places. I don't think a minute a week is going to do it, or else, you know. Or else what? I mean, we all saw Uncle Luke earlier.

Or else what? I mean, we all saw Uncle Luke earlier. I mean, we've seen... You have to be very selective of where your 83 spots are. You know what I mean? You have to really... I like that he's the morality tale of the evening. Oh, yeah. We all saw Uncle Luke.

Yeah. Well, enough said. Yeah. I mean, Marty Worst is raping a little boy over there, but somehow there's been no bigger person on the bottom than Uncle Luke tonight. It's a full 360. Kim, thank you so much.

You killed again. Killer minute. It's unbelievable. That was great. I love the strap-on joke. That strap-on joke is so good that you immediately go like, wow, how did nobody think of that? But I've never heard it. Right.

It's another great joke. And that all adds on. You can catch all their minutes. And your other regular is here as well doing another brand new minute. The hilarious stylings of the great Sarah Weinshank, everybody. Woo! I have a friend with really big hands, and I just call her Mitts. And then I started thinking about mitts, like oven mitts.

Why? Why are we using special equipment for a kitchen appliance? Not strapping shin guards on to boil water. I'm not wearing a helmet to use my blender. Why do I have an oven mitt on? Because mitts... Excuse me. I'm about to tell you about mitts.

Mitts mean shit is intense. It's high intensity. The only time you use mitts is for cooking frozen pizzas and playing baseball that's the only time you use mitts and just in terms of hand coverage there's a lot of things with that that one could explore explore. For example, mittens. Unrelated to the mitt. They're weird. It's like, oh, I might get cold, but I have shit to do.

Fuck yeah. Sarah Weinstein. What's interesting is that's her style. Normally she'll talk about something and break it wide open now i think there's something fundamentally wrong with the mitts approach and that's that oven mitts are like they are a necessity you you need them the helmet with a blender the shin guards with the whatever but why are they called mitts like why isn't just called an oven can i tell you something can i tell you something? Can I tell you something?

Yeah. I think that's the question you should be asking. That's what I meant to say. Is why are they called mitts and not why do they exist? Yeah. You know what I mean? It feels a little bit like Tony told you you have to talk about mitts, so you had to come up with a minute about mitts.

Right. But that being said, I was laughing the whole time watching you like you just have a funny presence I don't know if the Mitch joke was my favorite joke but I was giggling you just have a really good delivery really funny

we used to get baked me and these two other comics would get baked and then we'd pick names out of the dictionary, words, and we'd write for five minutes on one word, and then we'd share them with each other, and then whoever had the funniest shit got to keep the other guy's stuff too. And that's what that felt like.

It felt like a writing exercise, but there was funny shit inside of there. Yeah, definitely. Yeah, if you get into the myths thing, and you talk about why it's called oven mitts and then you move the... There was also another confusing thing, though, which I like the baseball part and I loved your passion behind it,

but why would you use mitts for a frozen dinner, you said? For cooking a pizza, like pulling a frozen pizza out of the oven, you need a mitt. It's for shit that's intense. Like, oh, my DiGiorno's ready. Let me get my mitt. Like, let me get, like, suited and booted. Let's go.

That type of thing. Literally anything you pull out of an oven, you would use an oven mitt for, though, right? Why is it called a mitt, though? Why isn't it called a glove I really want to hear you talk about really serious shit like I think that'd be the funniest

I think you should just get on stage and be like what is fucking up with ISIS and like just go for it I think you have a really funny voice for like talking about shit that you don't know about I don't know why I think it's the fingers the mitten thing is because it's mitten voice for talking about shit that you don't know about. I don't know why.

I think it's the fingers. I mean, yeah, the mitten thing is because it's mitten. There's only two packs. It's like winter mittens. You know, I wanted to discuss all the different types of hand covering, but I didn't have enough time. Mittens, all three of your fingers are in one chunk of the glove. All three?

Four. What are you, a teenage mutant ninja turtle? Four. What are you, a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle? Four. Yeah, like... All right, Donatello, continue. Like, mittens are useless. Lauren knows you love eating pizza, so you probably...

Well, the mitten, and it's an oven mitten because you have a better handle on, like, you know, things that are hot. You have, like, your hand. You're holding it with your hand. I love that you're explaining what an oven with your hand. Thanks for breaking it down. I get why we need an oven mitt

so that we don't burn our hands, but why are they called mitts? Because they're mittens. You see that it's a thumb and the other fingers are detached. You don't actually have a glove. That'd be pretty crazy if you had this thick cloth glove. But why aren't they called mittens then? Why are they just called mitts?

It's just short. So it's an abbreve for mitten? Yes. Mind blown. It's like being like... Basic. I feel like you're like the last person that I'd meet at a party and I'd be like, I can't believe I left. I almost left before talking to her.

Like it'd be like 3 a.m. And we'd just be like talking about mittens and shit. You'd have an oven mitt on staring at it. I'd have an oven mitt on. Like, you are aware that the glove that, you know, Babe Ruth wore on his hand is not a baseball mitt. Right. No, I know that's a mitt.

But why are those two things mitts and not mittens or gloves? That's like an honest question. Gloves and mittens are totally different. Gloves have finger separation. Right, no, I know that. So you can wiggle your fingers separately. Gloves are for fingering really hot things. Yes.

Right. Yeah. Right? Fire push that. Yeah, like an OBGYN would wear one yeah exactly

Sarah it's a finger really hot thanks it was it was it was another fun another fun minute from the great Sarah Weinshank

thank you there she goes everybody she's on twitter princess shank follow her and at Kimberly Congdon they're doing tons of shows wacky

wacky fun stuff all the time. So follow them. Follow the great Pat Reagan. Patty Reagan is on Twitter. Everybody, you knew him. You loved him. There he is, everybody. Remember? This is the part where you clap. The episode's over. We are dismounting. Greg Fitzsimmons

is Greg Fitzsimmons. Great Fruit Simmons. I'm going to be doing some live shows at Connecticut and Houston and, I don't know, Cleveland. A bunch of places. Go to FitzDawg.com. I've got to buy Grapefruit Simmons quick. Yeah, you do.

Somebody's going to, especially since this is live streaming. Fuck! Yeah. Morgan Murphy. Oh, I've got Twitter. Yeah. Morgan Murphy. Oh, I got Twitter. Morgan underscore Murphy. And I'll be a gastroenterologist at

Cedars next Monday at 2.45. Yeah. I love it. One of the one of my favorite groups of comedians ever, guys. Both of you, hilarious. Both writers and comedians, which I am also a hybrid of.

Greg and I worked on the NBC New Year's Eve show together. With Carson Daly. Fuck yeah, we did. Boy, did we hand him some gems that he dropped. Hell yeah, we did. Really hard to make Carson Daly funny, guys. Shout out to you, Carson. I'm sure you're watching the live stream.

Guys, Tony Hinchcliffe and Brian Redband, thank you so much for being here, live audience. I love you. Thank you. Good night. Thank you. Whatever it is that girl put a spell on me. Help me. Help me. Oh, no.