KILL TONY - KILL TONY #105

Episode Date: July 13, 2015

Godfrey, Rick Ingraham, Pat Regan, Sara Weinshenk, Kimberly Congdon, Tony Hinchcliffe, Josh Martin, Brian Redban - Date: 05/18/2015 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony here at DeathSquad.TV. Check out our tour dates. We are going to Toronto. Me and Dean Del Rey will be at the Big Picture on Girard Street this Saturday at 8 p.m. We're going to have a huge show. It's a rock and roll circus. It's me, Dean, and we're doing a podcast and we're having a bunch of shit planned. So come on out. There's a few tickets left. Tickets are actually selling like crazy. So if you want them,

you better get them. Go to deathsquad.tv and click on tour dates. Again, that's Saturday, July 18th there in Toronto. And then me and Dean Del Rey are coming to San Jose, California. We're going to the big San Jose Improv up there. We're going to be there Thursday, July 30th at 8 o'clock. And my birthday show is coming to the Comedy Store August 5th. We're doing a Death Squad secret show to celebrate my birthday. So please come on out and help me celebrate it. All these can be found at DeathSquad.tv.

Click on Tour dates. Also check out ShopSquad.TV because we have the kitty cat clock on pre-sale. That's right. You guys have asked for it for a long time. I finally got a DeathSquad clock made. So if you want to pre-order it, I'm only making a very small amount of these. So go to ShopSquad. tv and uh pre-order it it will ship out late july and now here's a brand new episode of kill tony hey this is red band coming to you live from the Road Famous Comedy Store for a brand new episode of Kill Tony, Volume 2. Give it up for Tony Ainscliff.

Yeah! Hi, everybody. Wow, what an exciting show. Look at these two people, not even clapping. Who gives a fuck? Just look at me right in my fucking eyes. With your hands on your hips. I like that. Thank you. It makes me feel really good about this show. Fuck yeah. Everybody else seems pretty alive.

How are you Monday night? It's tough to get a party started on a Monday at 8 p.m. But we managed to do it. We ease into it. We're easing into it. Hi, Brian. Hi. How's it going?

We had a lot of fun. We were in Sacramento and San Francisco. Had a great time. Tony danced. I caught... It wasn't a dance. There was rumors of me dancing. He tried to convince me that I was dancing and I said, what? And he showed me a video of somebody that looked like me dancing

and I started freaking out. He was like, Brian, we gotta talk about this tape. You need to destroy this tape. You were really concerned about this tape getting out of you dancing. Well, we were laughing about it. You're forgetting to mention that part, but yes. Yes, I was laughing and telling you that you had to delete the tape. Talk about our artist.

Yeah, we have a great artist here today. He comes every week. What's your Twitter? Ryan J. E-Belt. E-B-E-L-T. He drew us last week, which was really good, and we forgot to talk about it, but you can go on his Instagram and

check out all his drawings. E-Belt? What is it? E-Belt. E-B-E-L-T. Put your hands together for our artists drawing this show tonight, everybody. Keep your hands going for our one and only sponsor, the best chef in the world. It's Chef Elise Lane. She's sitting right

over there, everybody. Tonight she made cumin spiced quinoa with Tuscan kale, chickpeas, and feta in our choice of salmon or steak. I went with the salmon and Brian went with the delicious steak. Look at that. Yum, yum, yum. Follow Chef Elise Lane on everything.

Twitter, Instagram, Facebook, everything is Chef Elise Lane. It's no longer the girl with the pan. So you're already following her if you follow the girl with the pan, but let's never mention the girl with the pan again. It's Chef Elise Lane. That's E-L-Y-S-E-L-A-I-N, everybody.

Guys, put your hands together for Pat Reagan and the baby boys. They're here tonight. Yes. Pat, my vision is slowly coming true of this entire thing. I've always called you the band leader, but it's always just been you. And finally, after about four or five weeks of me calling you a band leader, you finally brought somebody else with you.

Well, I've been doing such a dogshit job the past couple weeks that I wanted to save myself and bring along another person to sort of pass off the blame to. I love that. Ian Edwards ruined you two weeks ago. Basically took all of your confidence just straight up away from you. So if you're wondering why Pat is so, so, so struggling right now, go back two episodes and listen to two Mondays ago with Ian Edwards. Anyway. Josh is too busy periscoping to actually do his job now.

Yeah, Josh now periscopes. He was already the world's worst producer, spilling drinks and just pouring things on people, never being in the right position at the right time. And now he's periscoping the shows. Even though we're live on Ustream, which, you know. Boy, we were really late to that party, huh? Yeah. We finally got on Ustream, and then

three weeks later, this fucking Periscope thing comes out. I know. Whatever, Ustream doesn't ban your accounts, usually. I got my Periscope banned last night. What? Yeah. What happened? Don't know. Actually, I just found out what happened.

There's one bad flaw about Periscope, is if you really hate somebody, you could just flag their broadcast a few times and it will just ban your account. Man, the comedy is really flowing in this room so far. It's a hot Monday night here at the Comedy Store. Can everyone please flag Josh's account? Oh, no, don't say that or else the poor kid

already has nothing going on in his life. The last thing he needs is the one thing that he's staring at right now to disappear. Josh Martin, everybody. He's on Twitter at JoshMartinComics. The butt of our jokes. The man that makes it all happen. Actually, follow his Periscope because they're great. I don't watch many, but watching Josh live his life every day is one of the most adorable things ever.

Yeah, he's one of only six people I follow on Periscope. That's an elite class, Josh. Well, Pat, you excited? Yeah. Me too. Let's do it, guys. Every week, over 30 comedians sign up for the chance to do a minute, and they perform a minute,

and me and two of the funniest people in town talk to them after they perform that minute. Ladies and gentlemen, two of my favorite guests ever. Put your hands together for Godfrey and Rick Ingram, everybody. Here they are. Here they are. King Kunta.

There we go. Fuck yeah. Cut that music anytime, Brian. Fuck yeah. Rick Ingram and Godfrey, guys. Welcome. How you doing? Welcome. Godfrey, guys What's up, fuckers? How you doing? Welcome Godfrey, this is your first time on the show Yeah, man

Welcome to the craziness that's about to ensue What is this? It's craziness It is, man You're gonna love it Okay Godfrey's from New York, so this is his first time being on Kill Tony On this Kill Tony, yeah

Yes Is that what it's called? Uh-huh Okay, shit Now, Rick here next to you was actually on episode one Fuck I was here from the beginning Yeah. Yes. Is that what it's called? Uh-huh. Okay. Now, Rick here next to you was actually on episode one. Fuck. I was here for the beginning.

I said, we're on a train to kill a million dreams. Yes. We're halfway there. Nice. Yes. Like the Amtrak. Yes. We are at 500,000 dreams crushed on this show. We're going from McDonald's numbers, though.

Billions served. Every week, I always have Pat Reagan ask my guests a question. Something he might want to know as a young, rising stand-up comic. I guess I'll start off with Rick. Rick, you say you want to crush dreams. What is the hole in your heart

that makes that a thing that you want to do? I'm not sure what you just asked me, but what I'd like to say is to me... Everly's brother's a microphone. Musical

comedy is a lot like what went on at Penn State. Even if you're really good at it, I don't support it. You know what I mean? But, you know, keep up the good work. Keep up the good work. That was funny as shit.

Hell yeah. Pat, what's your question for Godfrey? Oh, fuck. Oh, Godfrey. What's up, dude? You're in a relationship, right? Yeah, fuck. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I hope. I think I still am. Fuck. Oh, Godfrey. What's up, dude? Oh, you're in a relationship, right? Yeah, fuck. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I hope. I think I still am. Fuck. Go ahead. Did you fuck up? Oh, of course. Is that your question? Of course I fucked up.

What do you want me to... What is it? How's it going? There it is. Oh, fuck. It's all right. I mean, I'm a comic. I'm all right. I mean, I'm a comic. I'm fucking selfish.

You know, I'm a narcissist, man. You know, I got to learn to be selfless, I guess. It's all right. When I get back to New York, I'll see what's going on. Damn. I'm taking it day by day, you know what I mean? I get the one answer text now. She used to send me paragraphs.

Shit's no more. When women stop sending you fucking paragraphs, they don't give a fuck anymore. I'm not bullshitting you. Women usually give you paragraphs. Did you read the first part? Did you read the second part? Fuck. You know, there's more.

Now she's like, nope. Okay. Bye. Shit. My power is gone. Great question, Pat. You asked me that question. Shit. My power is gone. Great question, Pat. You asked me that question. Pat, you nailed it on the questions tonight.

This might be your redemption. It's that magic mic, man. I love it. Guys, you know the deal. Over 30 comedians signed up for the chance to do a minute of stage time and then talk to us immediately afterwards about anything in the world. Guys, you know your

60 seconds is up when you hear the sound of a kitty. That's adorable. You better wrap it up then or I'm sure going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. Wow, there it is. You don't want to bring that up. It is bumping tonight. Brand new speaker system. I hope you get a real bear.

Yeah, we're working on it. We're working on it. Big live show. It's a mawler fucker who bombs. I don't know how to talk. I mean, that would be motivation to really bring your A game. You know? I love it.

Let's get it started, guys. Your first comedian doing one minute uninterrupted tonight goes by the name of Josh Fry. Yes. That's a good name. That's a good comedy name. Alright. Thank you. Thanks. Yes. I'm so excited

for everybody here tonight. Party for you guys tonight. Party for you guys, yeah. At my house tonight, let's go. Or in the alley behind the Greyhound bus station where I'm staying. We'll party till they kick us out, guys, till the Greyhounds come. Woof, woof, oh, get out of here! Alright. Thanks.

Thanks. All right. Thanks. There's another something. Man, the bus must take forever here, man. I've been here 12 days. The bus must take forever. Everybody's falling asleep waiting for the bus.

Can't find a seat waiting for the bus. Everyone's taking a nap. Something else here. Oh, yeah, everyone says I sound like Mitch Hedberg. Yeah, here. Oh, yeah. Everyone says I sound like Mitch Hedberg. Yeah, his spirit lives inside me. Oh, yeah. 2005, March 30th.

Was craving some heroin. I didn't know why. I was 15 years old. I found some. Fuck yeah, nailed it. All right. Oh, wow. Fuck yeah, nailed it Alright Oh wow I liked his energy, damn it I liked his fucking energy

That was good for you Give him a round of applause for his energy I liked your energy We didn't know what the fuck you were talking about But god damn it, your energy And it was like some shitty ass Mitch Hedberg Bless his soul He's a good friend of mine But god damn it Your energy And it was like some Mitch Shitty ass Mitch Hedberg Yeah Bless his soul

He's a good friend of mine But it was some Shitty Mitch Hedberg But I liked your Fucking energy That was alright Cause you know what When we started

We were just as shitty Well But I got better So I ain't gonna lie I got better But I liked your energy I liked the fucking Oh oh oh

And it was What the fuck was that But you committed To that bullshit. And that's what I like. When you commit to bullshit, you just keep doing it. One day you're going to have real shit. Yeah.

As long as you commit. You know what I mean? That's why we were laughing. We were like, what the fuck was that? But you got to laugh, though. How's that? There you go. That's my critique.

Fuck, yeah. Thank you. I love it. We see who good cop's going to be tonight. Yeah, I was going to say. I don't know how you're able to be quite so positive, but I'm impressed. It was like positive horrific at the same time. Yeah, rip right into me here.

I like that you look like you just got back from Vietnam. I like that you look like you just got back from Vietnam. I think that's a brave decision. Hard to pull off in 2015. Takes very specific thrift store moves. I believe he was an extra from Forrest Gump, if I remember correctly. Awesome. Yes.

Yeah. Wow. I like that he's crazy. He's like, yeah. I like that he's crazy he's like yeah I like this dude fuck yeah Josh Fry good comedy name fuck that

that is a good comedy Josh Fry is the shit for sure there was Glenn Fry fuck that dude Josh Fry the heat is on a lot of people don't

go as far as to say fuck Glenn Fry but I think it's about time I do after he left the Eagles fuck that dude go ahead he took off his jacket too Go as far as to say fuck Glenn Fry, but I think it's about time. I do. After he left the Eagles. Fuck that dude. Go ahead.

He took off his jacket too to get the floor. Which is really interesting to reveal another terrible layer. Oh no. What is that shirt? Nice! Look at this dude. I love this dude. Is that the Vietnamese? Wow.

He's keeping it fresh. Man. He is not playing his dude. Are you really homeless? Somehow he went from American Vietnamese soldier to Vietnamese Vietnamese soldier in no time. How long have you been homeless for? Just 12 days. Just 12 days.

Where did you come from? Upstate New York. Yeah, baby. Represent. I didn't like that part. That was a true camera point. I was just actually. They could see it if they want. This is pretty crazy.

How long have you had a case for your pager? What is that? What do you keep in that magical case that's on the side? I like that shit. That dude is a player, boy. Wow. He got business, motherfucker. That dude is a player, boy.

Wow. He got business, motherfucker. I was just cashiering at my job, and an old lady, very nice old lady, gave this wallet to me because she was just so nice. I didn't want to take it. But then I gave her a hug, and then I realized this shit goes on your belt. Right. Yeah, dude, none of that happened. That story...

I'll tell you, James Fry... What's your name? Josh Fry. I'll tell you what's fried. Your brain. Whoa, whoa, Pat. Wow. He's being evil. Your brain.

I love the mandolin coming in after that. Is that what's happening? When you make a joke, you got him trained. Everly Brothers hair. I love that dude. He has a rim shot. Bye, bye, love. It is.

I love Pat's. Why is he taking off all his clothes? Whoa, whoa, whoa. Oh, I'm fucking up right now, yo. That's what I'm doing. He's committed to his crazy thing. Has anybody seen the new Nirvana documentary on HBO? Not yet. Yeah, it's unbelievable. I watched it twice new Nirvana documentary on HBO? Not yet.

Yeah, it's unbelievable. I watched it twice in one second. Oh, good, good, good. And about, no big spoiler here, but I'll just tell you. About 15 minutes in, you find out there's a part of Kurt Cobain's life when he's in about, I think he's like a freshman in high school or sophomore in high school, and he's just obsessed with having sex with somebody. He's just obsessed with it.

And what happens is he ends up hooking up with a mentally retarded girl. He lost his virginity to a mentally retarded girl. And everybody at the school picked on him, and he was very, very antisocial, but he had a chance. And that's what you remind me of, Josh Fry, is that part of the propane that fuck the retarded girl. The retarded girl, right? Ninth grade.

I remind you of the retarded girl? No, no, retarded girl fucker. It's much worse. That's worse? Well, as David Tell would say, those titties ain't retarded. That's true. So, Josh, are you really homeless? That's really happening?

How long have you been in LA? I'm homeless by choice. I've been homeless 12 days and I've been in LA 12 days. By choice. That's such a white dude move. I'm just going to be homeless for a while and get back to it. Fucking awesome. Awesome, bro. That's a while and get back to it. Fucking awesome, bro. Yeah, that's a fucking privilege, isn't it?

Yeah, it is. Are you really a cashier? Oh, I left my job on good terms. I was a great cashier. Where at? This food co-op. It's a great store. It looks like any normal store, every department, but it's a food co-op.

And I was a member. Are you going to get a job here in L.A.? Hell yeah, man. I went somewhere today. I went somewhere today and I said, am I going to get a job? Fuck yeah, I'm going to get a job. I said, nobody's snagged me up yet, man. That's what I told the dude.

He laughed. What I like is all of his stories are the same style as his jokes. It just makes you wonder what the fuck is going on. I like is all of his stories are the same style as his jokes. It just makes you wonder what the fuck is going on. I like that. He Hedbergs his way through life. Yeah, he's Mitch soon-to-be-Dedberg. Whoa, God damn! Where's the mandolin on that?

There you go. There it is. Not just musical comedy, he's also a pun master. Yeah. That dude doesn't fuck around over there. He's got his sidekick fresh off a Book of Mormon tour. Playing the mandolin

right after he shits. Now, Josh, let me ask you a question. When you go to the barber, do you ask for the sad magician? Or do they just... Is that your thing? Is that what you ask for? Did that grow into that?

Do you have to be homeless for 12 days to be able to shape it that way? Christian Laettner rocked a similar haircut in, like, 96. You might be the only homeless guy that uses a blow dryer for his daily hair. Oh, man. I took a shower at LA Fitness today. Yeah, son. I had the same lady. My friend's mom, cut my hair. I never let anyone else touch my hair but my friend's mom.

I got a haircut before I came out here. You do have the body of a guy that would go into an LA Fitness just to shower, by the way. You are very skinny. I was thinking about taking a yoga class. Nice. You look like a creepy yoga teacher. You could do that shit. Downward facing dog, bitches.

Namaste, hoes. You look like a creepy yoga teacher. You could do that shit. Downward facing dog, bitches. Now I'm a stay host. So what do you keep in the case on your pouch? That'll be my final question. Oh, that's the wallet? There's a lot in there, man. Just money behind the bus station. You got to keep that wallet on the belt. I think it's a smart move.

It's pretty nice. Because I'm always checking phone keys, but I know the wallets. Fuck yeah. Like a mini, mini fanny pack. Hey man, I really appreciate this, and there's a lot of comics who want to get up here. Look at this guy. I love Josh Fry. He's not selfish either. He's going to be all right, dude.

I love it. Don't sleep on Josh Fry. 12 days in. Sure, I'll fist bump him. Josh Fry! There he goes. Josh Fry, everybody. I love it. Go sleep on Josh Fry. 12 days in. Sure, I'll fist bump him. Josh Fry! There he goes. Josh Fry, everybody. Magical. Josh motherfucking Fry.

My God. All he needs is his stage time and that shit's gonna work. That's true. Jeffrey Dahmer is wondering what happened to his mustache and we found it. It is unbelievable. Flavor. Savor. It is unbelievable. Flavor, savor. He really is well of... Oh, he just hit his head on the light back

there, if you're wondering what that thump was. Oh, that's awesome. That was the best part of his day. Every part of him is just horrific. You know what? This guy made his debut on the show. I remember him from last week. Last week, we saw him for the first time, and this is his second time on the show. Put your hands together for

Tommy God love everybody that's a good God love Tommy God love Tommy God love yo being polite let me go up the airway all right? All right. I didn't think I was going to call again. Okay. My name is Tommy Godlove. I'm half Mexican, half German, which basically makes me a Mexican 2.0 as in a Mexican 2.0. You don't speak any Spanish? Yeah, I don't speak any Spanish. But before you judge me, I do. I am a bilingual. I speak American Sign Language with an accent. What was I going to say? I hate when people try to tell me about my weight. They try to give me advice and stuff.

I had a friend that told me, you know what? The key is that you need to stretch and do resistance in the morning. I said, that's bullshit, man. I do that every morning when I put on my shirt and all that stuff. I do all that shit. So you need to shut the hell up, man. I don't care if you're put on my shirt and all that stuff. I do all that shit, so you need to shut the hell up, man. I don't care if you're a kinesiology major. That's all I got. All right.

That's it? He knew the kinesiology was the closer. Wait, wait, wait. No, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. You're obviously... I'm out of breath. I'm out of breath. You know, people like you. You're a likable dude. I am. Good smile and shit., good skin, exfoliation, I can tell. Good last name?

God love, I'm God free. God love. Damn, I got to show you some love. Let's go on tour. What would you do with the sign language with an accent? Fucking demonstrate it, dude. Why would you do it? See?

Figure it out, dog. Damn. No, on some real shit. No. Because, no, you were like sign language with an accent. We're like, oh, fuck. How would it look? That's what people were waiting on.

Yeah. Fuck that up. I did. I did. I did. I did. We want to see what does an accent look like. This is.

You know, did some shit. This is a stupid joke. No, no. Fuck that. Yeah. Every joke is stupid. I wanted to know. It's stupid.

All your shit's dumb. But you add some shit to it. No, I'm fucking with it. But he's like, it's a dumb joke. No, it doesn't have to be. Add some shit to it. Act it the fuck out. You know what I'm saying?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Boom, dog. Godfrey. You pulled a... Is Godfrey the only one who actually might make these guys better? Yeah. Usually we just... We usually just say mean stuff.

You want them to suck and keep picking out of the hat? Yeah, that's what this goes on. Shame on you. I want to see some improvement in some of this shit. I like the irony of your name being God Love and you wearing a 666 t-shirt. Hey, I got to represent. It's Del Rey. Are those jorts or those basketball shorts?

I don't know. They're golf shorts. Golf shorts. Golf shorts. Fuck yeah. Nah, you can't really fuck with this dude. He'll fucking punch you out. I know. I mean, look at this guy.

Nah, he, yeah. I got knocked out by God love. Yeah, that's the dude you want on your side. Godfrey's gay for God love. Godfrey's gay for him. You hear, do you hear? No, it's not gay. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

You hear, you hear? No, it's not gay. But you were like, you were like, man. That rolled up sleeves of yours is gay. Shut up. You hear, do you hear? No, it's not gay. Whoa, whoa, whoa. You hear, you hear? No, it's not gay. But you were like, you were like, man. That rolled up sleeves of yours is gay. Shut up. You got, man. Rolled up sleeves with no muscles. You got nice, you got nice lips.

But you kept saying, man, shit. Don't say a dumb word. You kept saying, you kept saying like, you were like, you're like, oh, God, oh, oh, God. Hey, Mr. God love, you got nice lips and shit. No one said that. You got exfoliate. That's what you're saying. You got a nice lips and shit. No one said that. You got exfoliate. That's what you're saying. You got a nice smile and shit.

No one said that. You got a nice smile and shit. He's ready to play. You got nice lips. You're fucking up and he can't play because you're fucking bombing. Hit me. See, he can't even play because you're bombed, dummy. Those are my favorite insults.

Wrong with Gordon. He's erratic. Dummy. When did you become a Delraiser? A long time ago. So is he one of the guys that you kind of look at his comedy and you're trying to be like a Dean Del Rey? What?

Is he like an influence? Have you ever heard that before? Is he an influence? I support comedy. That's what I can do. When you go to the barber and you ask how they are going to cut your facial hair precisely, do you ask for the sad magician? Nice.

Call back. It's sad magician facial hair. If you're wondering what facial hair goes with his haircut, it's that facial hair. He's got his mustache. They flipped it earlier. That's every hip-hop DJ face. That's hip-hop station DJ face. Rick Ross. Rick Ross.

Rick Ross. All kind of dudes. Cholo. You're a mixture of all those dudes, man. A lot of authority in there. Says, do you want the hot or the mild salt? He needs to just add to his jokes, dude. He's got to add to your shit.

Tommy, what do you do for work? I work at 76. Oh, shit. I thought about you this weekend. Nah, man. Fuck that. That one off of Wilshire? No, Riverside. Oh, shit. I thought about you this weekend. No, man, fuck that. That one off of Wilshire? No, Riverside. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, we'll drive out there to get gas. You'll drive out there? What's the gas price right now? 386? No, fuck that. Oh, I have a question. I have a question. Why is it when you prepay, that last dollar goes really, really slow?

Like, is there any reason for that? Because that seems like that technology is really outdated, and it should really... Because if I could just turn it off... Is it a Commodore 64? Is it because that most people will just drive and be like, I have no time for this, and it adds up, like, saving that dollar on pumped gas?

If I knew that answer, I wouldn't be working as a clerk and making minimum wage, you know what I'm saying? Damn, son! See how he gets tough real quick? I know, if I knew that answer, I wouldn't be working as a clerk making minimum wage. You know what I'm saying? Damn, son. See how he gets tough real quick? I know. If I knew that answer, I wouldn't know it. I'm just fucking honest. I don't know about the dollar.

I don't know about the dollar, though. I hate that shit. Fuck comedy, though. But when it's cold and all that, it messes with the tanks and all that, and it goes slow. When's the last time you punched somebody in the face? Yeah. See? He did it.

Come on. With the last name Godlove, I can't do that. You sure can. I can? Oh, yeah. You just call yourself Godlove. From now on, you're like, give it it. Come on. With the last name God Love, I can't do that. You sure can. I can? Oh, yeah. You just call yourself God Love. From now on, you're like, give it up for God Love. G Love.

Boom. G Love. That's it. Boom, son. I liked your set this time. I liked it last time. I think you just really did slow down and be more. Yeah, I just went too fast.

Be more yourself. Was your second time up? Yeah, I went last week. Your second time, period. No, six times. Oh, that's it. No, no, no, no. You got a while where you'll be shitting your pants for a while.

So I get it. Yeah, I get it. You're like, this is your second time. He's like, no. Six times. No, he's like, no, six times, dude. Yeah, that's why he's still shitty. Yeah.

Three times. But you just got to add to it. I think you should. This is what I personally think. That you should kind of stay in the joke. Don't just fucking skip. Stay there. And go, yeah, sign language and blah, blah, blah.

Okay, let me demonstrate that. You know? Kind of have some patience a little bit. You only have a minute. So you should really only be telling one joke. Fuck it. Yeah. Unless you do one-liners.

In which case, you should stop doing comedy. Can you imitate people? What's up? Can you imitate people at all. Can you imitate people? What's up? Can you imitate people at all? Can you change your voice? No. Okay, fuck it. I was going to say use that too,

but fuck it. Can you? Fuck yeah. Who can you do? Who do you want me to do? I don't know. Bill Cosby? That was bullshit.

What were you doing? You're sitting in your powder sign language. We want to see it? That's good. That's good. It's good to have Cosby on the show. I like that.

That's awesome. Keep my hands on my chin. That's before the rape. That's before rape. Cosby before rape. Wait. Hold on. Do you have a...

Have you expanded to a Cosby during rape yet? I have. I have. Oh, okay. Damn. That, okay. Do-ba-ba-do-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da. Damn. That was good. Here comes the pudding.

Oh, my. I don't know why anyone groaned. I had to go there. I know they would. It was an easy one. Pulls them down. Tommy, when's the last time that you raped someone? Never? Never. With a name like God, love, you can't do rape. Tommy, when's the last time that you raped someone? Never.

With a name like God love, you can't do rape. I know what you're going to say. Not with that name. You'd get away easy. Fuck yeah, Tommy. Keep doing spots. Keep rocking and rolling.

You certainly do exfoliate. Your skin really is glowing. It's very clear. What do you do for that? You have a lotion? Don't say you don't know. I use lotions. I can admit I use special lotions. I get paid to put lotion on Chatterbait. It's a webcam.

It's a Mexican glow. It's a Mexican glow. There you go, everybody. He puts orange peels on his face before bed. Mexican glow. You're German and Mexican. German and Mexican.

Mexican just beat the shit out of German. What are you doing? Get out of here, fucker. Get out of here. Fucker. We're going to look Mexican. Fuck your jeans, fucker. Dominated.

What are you doing? What are you doing? You're Mexican. That's it. Fuck that German shit. Yeah. It's like a soccer game. Fucking Mexico wins.

You have kids? Yeah, I got one kid. You only have one kid. See, there's something German about him. Only one kid. You have one kid. His name's Angel Godlo. Angel.

Fucking, that's Mexican. That's Mexican. No, Angel. That's so Latin. Angel. Especially when his middle name is Jesus. Fuck, that's Mexican. No, Angel. That's so Latin, Angel. Especially when his middle name is Jesus. Fuck, that's greedy. Angel Jesus Godlove.

Nice. No Moses in there? How old is Angel Godlove? He's going to be 14. Damn! Wow. How many boxing championships does he have already? Angel Godlove?

I mean, he's got to be a champion. He is, he is. He's an amateur. 800 and 0, that record on that guy. Alright, there he goes, everybody. Tommy God love. As Jeff Fry would say, other comics want to go.

Fuck yeah. Oh, man. Oh, so fun. These are some of the best comics I've seen so far, Tony. So far, so good. But this looks like a new name. Anything can happen. Put your hands together for Judd Zumwalt. Judd.

Zumwalt. Wow. Zumwalt. All right. Fuck yeah. So I just got back to L.A. this week, right? Got in on last Monday. Tuesday, got punched in the penis.

Let me back up a little bit, all right? I was at the DMV. Who's supposed to be watching Mexican kids, man? Somebody supposed to be keeping an eye on them? They were all just, one just ran up to me. Yeah, thank you, her. No, another one walked up to me, stared me in the eye, and coughed a breath mint into my hand. That's all right.

I just had my birthday, and it occurred to me that we shouldn't be blowing out birthday candles, man. That's still food. People are going to eat that. There was entrees, too. I didn't walk up to them like, hey, man, you got a steak? Hang on, it's my birthday. I made a wish on your steak, so now it's coming true.

Josh, I like that you don't have a house, but you have a gym membership, dude. That's pretty cool. Priorities, man, I guess. There you go Yo Yo Yo you look like the dude That plays Thor son

Thank you Good looking dude Fuck the bullshit You know your hair You got the hair shit And that shit was funny The Burt Coffey shit was funny You're obsessed

I'm fucking funny You're a funny dude You're obsessed. I'm fucking funny. You're a funny dude. You're obsessed with people's smile and their hair and their skin and their exfoliation. That was funny. That was funny. And his smile was like, yeah. That was funny. And Lord knows you love a good smile.

Thank you. You're bombing. Quit drinking like you have confidence fucker sucking on a drink like he killed I feel like I feel like you're getting payback for what Ian Edwards said to him

he was like I'm gonna take the entire race on for this oh that's alright but I thought this shit was funny that was the blowing on food joke that was a really good bit, man. Thank you. Thank you. What was the first thing that you talked about?

The Mexican kid punched you, and then what happened? The fuck was that? Getting punched in the penis. Ugh. Get rid of that shit. Yeah, and then what happened? I don't know. I lost you completely.

Yeah, I'm sorry. He apologized. I like that. I'm sorry. No, no. It was a bunch of kids running willy-nilly, and one of them just happened to... Willy-nilly? Where are you from?

Where are you from? You're from the 50s? Hey, these kids are willy-nilly, all right? Missed out. Would you like a newspaper? Kind of like the 50s. Yeah, she. Go see a movie in 35 minutes.

And then the fuzz came. Titanic. Hurry, hurry, get your paper. People are running willy-nilly. I'm from North Carolina, so it's kind of like the 50s. Your fucking door! You're the next door, dog. Are those sweatpants?

What? Are those sweatpants? They're, I don't know, I think they're called joggers. They're pretty comfortable. Fuck yeah. I know they look ridiculous, but it's about comfort. He can wear whatever the fuck he wants. You're gonna get mad ass. I feel like, I know they look ridiculous, but you can wear whatever You like out of everyone that performs tonight you're the one that's gonna look the most like you were in collective soul, which is And then Kurt Cobain's retarded Thor's little brother. I don't know.

See, I was thinking Lemonheads. The lead singer of the Lemonheads, maybe. They're all great compliments. It's all getting him ass. Don't matter. Yeah, you have a lot of charisma, Judd. Yeah, he does. How many girls did you stop fucking to come down here and do it?

Yeah, for real, dude. Like, how many at once? I mean, you have cum on your shirt right there. I can see it. That is true. A little explosion. Oh, there's more over there. Wow, that's two different loads, clearly.

That's what's up. Clearly two separate loads. That's not even one wild shot. This is a guy who fucks all day. I mean, yeah, your hair is... Yeah, girls like that shit. It's crazy. It's crazy, though. I mean, if Chris D'Elia saw that hair,

he would kill himself. Oh, no, no, no! My hair's way better! I just got a text from Josh. He wants to know if you're single. Interesting. Yeah, but... Of course he Josh. He wants to know if you're single. Interesting. Yeah, but... Of course he is. He's always single.

He just broke three girlfriends' hearts in the back of the room. Like, what? What kind of last name is Zumwalt? It's German, I guess. I don't speak German, but... Eat your heart out, God love. That's right.

Das ist gut. What's Judd? That's North Carolina, huh? Yeah, that's right. Dos is good. What's Judd? That's North Carolina, huh? Yeah, that's exactly what that is. Just name him Judd. But on Twitter, he's the Judd Zumwalt. The one and only. Wow.

Was there already a Judd Zumwalt? No, I used to be a little bit douchier, and I thought the Judd was cool, and it's the stupidest thing I've ever done. And I dropped it, but now it's stuck on my Twitter. Were you a jock growing up, a bully? No, I was actually a nerd. A nerd. And then I kind of grew up.

You showed the world. And then I got kind of douchey for a while. And I know you got the world back. Your hair is huge. Thank you. It's not a game, dude. It's not a game. Fuck is jock smart? Anywhere in the world back. Your hair is huge. Thank you. It's not a game, dude. It's not a game. Fuck is Josh Smart?

Is he anywhere in the world? Anywhere in the universe? What are you even doing right now, Josh? Watching the show. Why don't you watch the back door? Do you want to see if our friends here need a seat anywhere, Josh? Pay a hand for Josh Smart and everybody. He's the best.

Really impressive. He's really on the A game. There's an empty table for two right here. Right here in the front. Right here in the front, everybody. Really impressive. He's really on the A game. There's an empty table for two right here. Right here in the front. Right here in the front, Josh. You're all over it, buddy. Is that Dennis Hough? Hey, Dennis. How you doing? Hey, Ron.

Ron Jeremy and Dennis Hough. One of the only. Owner of the famous Bunny Ranch. I'm pretty sure Josh got that hint and is grabbing you guys at the table. Either that or he's really a whole other level of bad that I can't even fathom right now. Bunny Ranch, man. He always comes to the comedy cell in New York City.

Yes. He's a big comedy fan. Hanging out with Rich Boss in the... What's up, man? Ron, we know you're here because obviously we just found Judd, who is your arch nemesis, because he's the only guy that fucks more than you. Look at this fucking guy.

It's possible. What's that? Small boys. Ron's a roaster, guys. Ron's like my loop from that movie Looper. I gotta kill him because that's who I'm gonna be in 30 years. Nice! Oh, shit! The boy's funny!

I'm telling you. That's great. The boy's funny! I'm telling you! That's great. The boy's funny! Come on, Judd. Judd, you better be nice. Ron can stab you in the throat with his dick from right here. From there, yeah. Across the room.

But the problem is, when he gets stabbed with that dick, it literally puts a sewer-sized hole in his chest. Jesus Christ. We left Ron's dick in the limo. Oh, nice, nice. Must be a stretch. You want me to get off of here so you guys can bring somebody else up?

Oh, yeah. He asked a question. Hey, it's like Jeff Fry says. Other comics want to get up, Judd. That's what I said. You want me to get out of here so other guys can get up? Did your hair sign up separately on its own piece of paper tonight? Yeah, it's coming up next.

How long have you had hair like that? Three years. Three years. And you must have just been a whole different person three years ago. Yeah, yeah. I've had it short my whole life, and I just thought. Then you just went. You got out of North Carolina.

What happened first, the hair or the move? I'm going to grow my hair. The hair. How long after you realized you had hair like that? I'm going to grow my hair. And I don't care. You should be a nerd. I love it that even when the mandolin comes through,

Godfrey still sings the backup instrumental for that song. He's like, that's not how it's supposed to sound. This guy has a homosexual guitar over there of some sort. His guitar had low self-esteem. Yeah. It's like a man on mandolin. Hey! Nice one, nice one.

He worked it in. Did you hear that joke I made that got blocked by that music? You said some kind of homosexual guitar. That's right. I said, yeah, it's a man on mandolin. Nice. That actually is a mandolin. That's a one in a million joke.

Oh, nice. Yikes. Is that a pun? Because we could have given that to the guitar comic. I don't know if it really counts as a pun. Is that me? Am I the guitar comic, Rick Ingram? Yes, you are. I'm a musician.

Pat's trying to slam dunk it tonight, everybody. He's really... How many scotches does that guy have? He's just sucking on ice right now. He's getting wild over there. Oh, fuck. Well, thank you for having me. Great shit.

He's like, why am I still up here? We're tilting others. All right, right on, man. Right on. Judd's going in for the fist bump. I've seen him around. Yeah, for Judd. He's been patrolling the push on the front patio for weeks.

Unbelievable. I love what's happening. Who is the next victim? Ron, you want to come up, work out a minute, or what? I'll do that. Okay. All love what's happening. Who is the next victim? Ron, you want to come up, work out a minute, or what? I won't do that. Okay. All right, whatever you want. You just let me know.

Ooh, this should be interesting. This is a new name. Oh, my God. A-L-B. Al B. Uh-oh. Holy shit. Oh, yeah.

I was raised by a mixing grandma, and when I was little, she'd tell me things like, mijo, if your hand ditches, you're gonna get money. When I got older, I realized it was scabies. And as a child, I had piñata parties. Piñata parties are cool as a child, but as an adult, they're kind of creepy. What sort of message are you giving a child when you give a child a piñata?

Saying, hey, mijo, who do you love? You love SpongeBob. He's your best friend ever. But you know what you love more than SpongeBob? Candy. So what do I need you to do? Get that stick, kick their ass, and get some candy. 20 years later, same person.

Hey, mijo, who do you love? Your wife, your kids, your job? You know what you love more than that? Methamphetamines. So what I need you to do, get that stick, kick their ass and get some candy. For meth heads,

20 is the new 50. Ice-T's real name is Earl Gray. Thank you. Wow. I you. Wow. I like that energy. Fuck the bullshit. I like his energy. Right? I like that he fucked his first joke

stunk and he still took the mic like, I got some more shit for you, baby. Good for you. I like the fucking pinata shit. That was funny. Lowered his voice and shit like that. How long have you been doing it? 13 years.

Fucker. Oh, my God. That was whack. Wow. 13 years with that bullshit. That was unbelievable. That's always one of the fucking greatest things. I thought it was like his third time in 13 years.

I'm like, no, no. That was whack. Oh my god. That's one of the greatest moments ever. I like that he went with the creepy character. It was just like he's like, he is the kid fucker. Right.

All of a sudden. In a minute, it's a little tough to make yourself likable before you get into the I want to fuck kids creepy candy voice. Yeah. I really like your style. Obviously, you're going for the, you know. You're one of the few people, one of the few comedians that actually has the balls to dress like a corpse. And I like that because this way when you die, they don't have to really do anything to you. I thought it was more like professor from Saved by the Bell of the College years kind of thing.

What is it? What kind of magician? That is true. You're wearing the clothes that match God Love's beard that goes with Josh's haircut. I would say more substitute teacher. Ah, fuck you. We ain't opening our books. We ain't doing shit today.

You've had the tie a while. Either that or Judd Zumwalt came all over it earlier. Did we already forget the Judd from seven minutes ago? Judd comes everywhere, guys. Have the decency to remember that. Al B., 13 years.

So where are you from? Houston, Texas. Houston! Laugh stop? Laugh stop, Dan. No longer exists. Houston Improv. Houston Improv.

Open mic, yeah. How long have you been in L.A.? It's my first month. Wow. First month. Welcome to L.A., man. Where did you spend the last 13 years? I had one bedroom apartment

for $550 a month. In Houston? Yeah. Next to all the clubs. And why didn't you perform at them while you were there? What?

I mean, 13 years. How often were you going up in 13 years? I went up every day. No, you didn't. Yes, I did, motherfucker. I like that.

Fuck you. Yes, I did, motherfucker. Fuck you. Would you like to do the Death Squad show Friday? Yes, sir. All right, sweet. Let's try it. Wow, look at that.

All right. Wow. Yeah, Al. That's who gets it this week. Al B. Al, yeah. You're not done yet, Al. I have to make fun of you more.

Go stand behind the microphone. We're going to see 13 years at work on the Death Squad show. What? You have a girl? Broke up years ago. A simple no would have done it. You're giving very specific answers.

$550? What do you think we are? We're deciding your credit line or something? I don't know. Yeah, you're giving very specific answers. $550. What do you think we are? We're deciding your credit line or something? I don't know. We are West Side Rentals. I've watched the show for about a couple of months. About a month, as long as I've been here.

Is that jacket edible? That looks like it's Hershey's, like some type of chocolate. Fruit roll-up. That's like vintage smooth shit right there. Have you always worn the jacket, or is that something you just do for comedy? Or is it your jacket everyday guy? My jacket everyday guy. The chops, you got the pork chops, the 70s fucking sideburns shit, the Abe Lincoln joints. What nationality are you?

Mexican and Iranian. Damn! Mexican beat the shit out of Iran. Mexico always wins. Even when you take off your glove. Nope. Mexico wins. Mexico always wins. Even when you take off, you go, nope, Mexico wins. Fuck. Mexican and Iranian, that's crazy.

I'm from Kansas, so that's just Mexican as far as we're concerned. That's in that et cetera category that we don't know about. Mexican, Iranian, so what do you do? Blow up your own fruit stand? Nice. Nice, dude? Blow up your own fruit stand? Nice. Nice, dude. I do that.

Blow up your own fruit stand. Delicious citrus everywhere. Oh, well. He's getting shows out of it. So I love it. Al B is working, man. Al B is working. Al B, sure.

And that's short for your last name, Bahmani. Yes. Why do you go by Al B? Because they can't pronounce Bahmani in Texas. They pronounce it Bah-ha-mani, Bah-ha-many, Bah-ha-many. What the hell is that? Yeah. And you're from, you were born and raised in Texas?

Houston, Texas, yes. Wow. Houston all the way. It's a good city, man. How old are you? I love Houston. 35. 35, and you just moved to LA.

Yes. What's your apartment like here? I mean, at 550, it's seven. I have a glorified closet, which I share with five other comics. Damn! Wow. Do you guys have room, by chance, for Josh Fry? Anybody has room.

Look how skinny he is. If we make the first month's rent, sure. But we're waiting for our other roommate to move out, and then we're going to have another room. There you go. Josh. How do you stack up like that? Is it bunk beds? What's the... I have a glorified closet, pretty much.

So what's your layout like? Twister. I have one guy has the... One guy has a room up front. Another guy has the living room. Another guy has a small room. Another guy has a room, and I got the closet. Fuck.

How big's the closet? It's about the size of the stage. That's not bad. That's pretty good. I'm like, I'm a New Yorker, so I'm like, that's not bad. That's a condo, goddammit. Split this up

and get a roommate. Fun. Very nice. On Sunset. Do you have a job? Yeah. What do you do? Deliver food to rich people. Oh, you're going to be all right.

Postmate? What kind of rich people? That's awesome. To rich people. Like who? I've delivered to some like penthouse apartments and shit.

Is it postmates? Anybody? No, DoorDash. DoorDash? DoorDash. That was like DoorDash. DoorDash? DoorDash. We're talking like Windbreakers from the early 90s? Bill Bobles? DoorDash.

DoorDash? Okay. Same thing. All right. Fuck it. Were you ever married or anything in Texas? I had a girlfriend for five years with stepkids. They were your stepkids. Dang.

They were your stepkids? No, they were her kids, not mine. Texas chicks are crazy. How many fights did you, like physical fights did you get? I have a gunshot wound, and I have punches in my lip, and I have TMJ for being punched in the head by another cop. Wow, Brian, you nailed it with that. One of your roommates, right? Texas bitches be crazy.

Sleeping, he probably kicked you in the face. It happens. Why'd you get punched? No He probably kicked you in the face. It happens. That's a Texas bitch? Why'd you get punched? No, he got punched in the face. Oh, that was, I was delivering sandwiches to my roommate, and a guy tries to mug me. I jump him, knock the gun out of his hand. He shoots me in the foot.

Damn. We still catch him. So, yeah. Damn, you did karate shit? No, I just jumped. You just knocked the fucking gun out of his hand? Yeah. He had it held sideways, so I jumped, knocked the gun out of his hand? Yeah, he had it held sideways, so

I jumped, knocked the gun out of his hand. Damn! We both went for the gun at the same time. He was black, right? Because he had it sideways? Yeah, sideways. That's how I knew by race by the way he held it. You didn't have to even say it. He's like, he had it sideways, you were looking at me. That's some bullshit.

I shoot like this, bang, bang, bang, bang. He was like this, yeah, he had it sideways Godfrey So I was able to fucking But he put the He put the gun right over here And pulled the trigger point blank At my foot

He just shot your foot? Yeah Wow Damn that's a That's a very kind thief Yeah I'm gonna shoot your foot motherfucker You ain't gonna walk right for days Right in your metatarsal dog kind thief. I'm going to shoot your foot, motherfucker.

You ain't going to walk right for days. Right in your metatarsal, dog. Very familiar with the human anatomy. Oh, very much so. Shot him in the tarsals, baby. You know how we do. Fuck yeah. Al, have you tried to date anyone while here in Cali yet?

Anything going for you? Nothing. Take anybody back to the closet? Nothing. Nothing. A fella. Maybe a fella. That would be the best option.

You got it. That would be an interesting date, man. Come back to the house. You know what, though? Well, this is where we're going to be fucking. Yeah. If she sticks around in that closet, though, you got a good girl there. That's a good girl.

Loyal. Maybe she'll think you're adventurous. Like, maybe she'll just think, you know, next day, like, oh, man, I met this new guy. He fucked me in the closet. It was crazy. You're going to be having a new R. Kelly video. God damn. She has no idea that that's just your bedroom.

All right, Al B. Congratulations. You're at the end of Friday. Yeah right, Al B. Congratulations. You're at the NHL. Al! Big Al B! He's on Twitter at Al Bahmani. B-A-H-M-A-N-I. Bahamani.

If you're in Texas, it's at Al Bahamana. Al Bahamana. We know this guy. Put your hands together for Billy Bonnell, everyone. Billy Bonnell. Yeah, Billy. Yeah.

Thanks. I don't know how to start this. Stereotypically speaking, they say really hot girls are dumb and ditzy, and uglier girls are really smart because they got to try harder. It's not my personal opinion. It's just a stereotype. But I did see a scenario one time where it played out perfectly to it. I was driving down a busy street at the beach, and two girls got out of their car to cross in front of me where there wasn't a crosswalk.

One was attractive. One wasn't. The ugly girl paused on the curb to let me drive by, which is smart and safe. But the hot chick ran right out in front of my car, which is dumb and dangerous. And I had to slam on my brakes and I was like, what the fuck? How did that ugly bitch know I would run her over?

Thank you. Fuck yeah. Got it in. Working it out. That was funny. Billy. Period. Yeah. How's it going?

How you been doing it, dude? Six years. Okay. Almost seven. All right. I like that pause and shit. You tricked us. That fucking, you know what I mean?

Misdirection. Sweet. That was good. He knew what he was doing. He knew what he was fucking doing. Look at him. John Belushi face. Yeah, we know Billy well.

Billy, you're here all the time at the comedy store. You do desk watching. I also don't have a house. Really? No, I do. Come on.

He tripped us again. Everything's true, man. Hey, but I do. That guy, the last guy lived in a closet. Yeah. I live in a closet. You do?

Yeah. How big is your closet? It's pretty small. It's like a walk-in closet. It fits a queen bed. Damn. Wall to wall. Wow. Big.

Yeah. So then every time you have to use the bathroom, you have to come out of the closet. Yeah. Actually, you know what's fucking crazy? The bathroom is basically in there. I don't even have to leave the closet door Are you sure you're not just shitting in a bucket, Billy? It's in the corner of your closet

Yeah, it's a bucket The way you said basically there's a toilet in there wasn't really convincing It's a small hole in the ground It's a bathroom Basically I mean, it's a puppy pad, but basically it's a bathroom. Fuck yeah, Billy.

I like your style. Excellent. How long have you been able to bring any chicks back to the closet? Yeah, one time. And that really made me lose respect for her. Really? Rightly so. Wow.

What a pig, you know? Why, man? She was, like, nice, but she had sex with me in a closet, and I'm like, you need to get your life together. Oh, shit. Maybe she was homeless. Does this count as a second minute? This guy's killing. He's crushing right now. He's killing.

He's smashing off of us. Look at him. He just looks out there in the cosmos and crushes. Boom. He just stares right out there. Confidence, man. I still live in a closet, though, so who's winning? Jeez.

Should I have taken a step to it? I like the underlying anger. Fucking great. So you really lost respect for her, huh? Did you ever have her back? She came back a couple times. He didn't lose enough respect to stop talking. No, I lost respect for her initially.

She came back a couple times. I started to lose respect for myself. There you go. Because I'm like, you kept inviting her back. Right. It was a good closet. Ass.

It's the only way I can feel stuff. Is to fuck a chick in a closet. Right. That's going to be my fetish one day when I get married. I'm like, I need to fuck you. Inside of a walk-in closet. Do you talk about this at all on stage? No, that was just now

Struggling sleeping in a closet thing And then you lose respect for the girl No, I try to pretend that I'm doing really good at stand-up, man That's a testament to Hollywood You can get on TV and still slip in a closet Oh yeah, That's true. That is true. So keep plugging away, guys.

Hey, if you leave me up here long enough, I'll start getting real sad, so let's wrap it up. Wow, look at that. Nice. I love that. You're honest. He's so much more confident. It just seems like he knows his voice better, I think, than a lot of these other guys.

Yeah, definitely. You need to give him at least two minutes in the future, I think. Yeah, definitely. When I say we, I mean you because it's your podcast. Yeah, definitely. Next time you get two minutes, Billy. But we're going to split them up in between episodes. You get one minute one day and then one minute every day.

Oh, yeah. Look at that guy. I would still enjoy it. Is the next spot guaranteed? No. Billy, weren't you a guest on this show? Yeah. In San Diego. I love stage time. What do you want me to do? Not put my name in the bucket? Oh no, I love it. We've been

on the road a lot. Billy at Crushes. He's one of my favorite comics to watch. Me and Billy need to go. We are planning a Texas tour he's one of my favorite comics to watch and you really me and Billy need to go we are planning a Texas tour in the future so hopefully we get to go out there together fuck yeah dude

do you have anything coming up that you want to promote? do you have anything you want to promote Billy? oh yeah June 13th I do a comedy show in Mar Vista in a backyard it's pretty fun nice it's a good show. Comedy at the Manor, June 13.

You've been. Yeehaw. Hey, Pat Reagan destroyed that show. No, he didn't. And now, hey. He did. God reads the best. Hey, we not.

I have a life outside of being a punching bag on this show, I would like to say. Pat Reagan did our first show. Young Glenn Campbell. Pat did our first show as the musical guest, and he murdered him. We're like, the next show, we've got to have another musical guy. We picked a different guy who also did good, but we were still sad that Pat wasn't there.

All right, Billy, you're right. You are getting sad. There he goes, everybody. Billy Bonnell. Crushing. I like it. He everybody. Billy Bonnell. Crushing. I like it. He's like Billy Bonnell. He had

a professional comedy voice. I appreciate it. He knew he was like, got a minute, one joke. A lot of poise. It's fun. That's an example of like sometimes really good comedians sign up. I need some shitty ones. Come on.

Okay. I need somebody to just start it today. Put your hands together for David Neeker. Oh, hell yeah. That's how new. It's your ass over here. It's like the German N-word. I know. Yeah, it's true. It's the German N-word.

All right. Hey, I just quit smoking weed. I'm celebrating four and a half. I quit January 1st. I'm celebrating four and a half months of abject depression. I smoked a lot of weed. I don't look like the zigzag guy for nothing. Is this how people feel?

Is this how people feel? People say you have a lot of dreams when you quit smoking weed, that you dream again. It's totally true. I dream... Wow. Telekinesis. That never happened when you were stoned. Never.

That should move, baby. For you audio listeners, a lantern just fell in the front row of the audience. One of the Chinese light lanterns. Let's reset the clock 30 seconds. Go. Wait, what? Don't restart. Oh, yeah. Just keep going, Dave.

People say you have a lot of dreams. You have dreams again when you stop smoking weed. It's totally true. Every night, I dream about scoring some weed. That's all I got. Restarted. Well done. I can never say out of all the sets that I've watched on this show

that I've never seen a lantern falling completely change the course of somebody's set. But it's almost like we forgot that you bombed the first 40 seconds that you were up there. The lantern probably had the best set of the night. The lantern came in, crushed, and got out. I think he brings wisdom to this comedy field. I like his, his older look, that wisdom.

Look at that. That's Mount Sinai fucking beard right there. It's true. I love it. The comedian. Yeah, man. It's like the kind of wizard.

Soft-spoken. It's the kind of wizard that would rape you. Whoa. That's what it is. Trucker. No, he has not even trucker, but he has that big presence

but soft voice. Likeable. I like that shit. Thank you. You're very's not even a trucker, but he has that big presence but soft voice. Likeable. I like that shit. Thank you. You're very welcome. Keep smoking that weed, dog. I'll probably go back soon. I know you're going back.

I can see it in your eyes. Have you felt better since you quit? I felt bad for a while, but I'm starting to feel better now. I slept a lot at first. You have to. What about memory? Because I feel like that's the one thing that I've noticed the most. It's just memory, short-term memory loss.

From smoking weed. My memory is okay. My concentration isn't as good. It focuses you, right? It focuses me. I quit smoking like a year and a half ago. Generally what I've found is that I still have nothing to do all the time, but I'm aware of it always.

Yeah, it's totally happening to me. It's not that cool, actually. What daily habits have changed from the lack of pot smoking in your life? Well, I don't smoke weed all day. That's the main one. That would be one, yeah. I'm pretty sure I just said that one.

You look like you would grow some of this shit at least. I've tried. Not selling it, but I've grown it. Like I said, I slept a lot more for a while. But I'm trying to exercise a little. I haven't been able to write as many jokes, actually. Really? Yeah, I can't been able to write as many jokes, actually. Really? Yeah, I can't concentrate.

I've got some jokes. You said, that's all I got, dude. That's what you said at the end. That's all I got about reading. I haven't been able to write. That's all I got. Did you write that at the end of the fucking show? I've got other jokes.

I'm sure you, man, I know you do. Dave, how long have you been doing stand-up? Five and a half years. Damn. This exercising that you're talking about doing, how far have you gotten? What are we talking about here? What have you done? I walk a couple miles every day.

That's it? Yeah. No push-ups or anything? Not yet. Not yet. Where are you walking? I'm hitting a speed bag, too. I've got a speed bag.

See those mitts? Look at that fucking fist. Holy shit. Christ. I hit the speed bag every once in a while. You do? You hit the speed bag. See those mitts? Look at that fucking fist. Holy shit. Christ. I hit the speed bag every once in a while. You do? You hit the speed bag? He hits it once and that's it.

I'm done. And then you walk for two miles. I used to walk five miles every day, but I broke my leg. And so now I'm getting back to it. Now, what happens when you hit two miles? You just lay down? I go back to sleep. People, they see the beard, they're like, he lives here.

Let him be. That beard, that has got to be one of the thickest beards I've ever seen in my entire life. I mean, it looks like you have angel hair pasta connected to your face, like somebody just glued it to you. It's a good one, though. It is. It's very powerful. Hell, yeah. I mean, it looks like you have angel hair pasta connected to your face like somebody just glued it to you It is it's very powerful. Oh, yeah, it's a wallet sized photo of my back shit What No idea what that means. Oh, you're hairy

Have you thought about shaving it since you're you know, this is your's like my look now. Without it, I look like Elena Kagan. A what? She's a Supreme Court justice. She's not an executive. That's a reference. You don't know Supreme Court justices. What a bunch of fucking losers in this audience. I look exactly like her.

I'm guessing Supreme Court justices is something you started learning in the last few days. Supreme Court justice. You're watching CNN like, I'm going to use that girl's name. She's a congressman in the 48th district. You guys don't know that? Morons. I was always very functional with pot. I went to work every day

and all that stuff. Where'd you work? I was an advertising copywriter but now I'm sort of getting out of that and performing more. I got an agent. I'm going out on auditions. She is? You're going to be in some shit.

The pot is, you know, it's not good for the acting and the being on stage. It's not. So I wanted to sort of get out of it a little. I'm telling you, you're going to see a gang of shit. Yeah, I've had three callbacks

and I've put on a bill for an actual commercial. That means you ain't in shit yet, man. The last two weeks, though. You can tell. Three callbacks would be like, come bill. That means you ain't in shit yet, man. The last two weeks, though. You can totally. Three callbacks would be like, come back here. Nah, come back here. But it's getting closer. You're going to be in something.

Thank you. Are they sending you out on anything that isn't like, you know, rapist? No, it's all like tow truck driver, biker, lumberjack, rapist. No rapist yet? Please tell me you talk about that on stage. He lost the part to Brad Watson. I smell law and order. Fuck yeah.

He's just like, yo, man, you look like a rapist. I can tell by your beard. I can tell. I just did a film where I played a Saudi Arabian prince who gets killed while he's in bed with a hooker. Fucking nice. It was a nude scene.

Damn. That was real life. They weren't filming that. Did they have a close-up on your back? Yeah. Really? Yeah, you'll see the back hair. No, we will never watch this movie,

so we won't see the back hair. Never in a million years. Turbaned up the back just to keep the hair covered. I think somebody should see me like that. Should see you nude? Smart. They really got you nude in a movie? Yeah.

And what did you have to do in this? Chick's on top of me. She's a hooker. We're having sex. And then an assassin comes in the room and kills us both. And then they spend the rest of the movie trying to figure out who killed me. Nice. That's what they told you the rest of the movie was going to be about?

Yeah. In the soft core porn that you shot for $40? And they didn't tell you that that's the whole fucking scene? They told you that there's a whole bunch of other stuff that you don't need to be part of? The Mystery of Northridge. Check it out on Cinemax.

The Mystery of Northridge. Your first opportunity. Can I just say, when I first moved here, I went to a taping of The Green Room with Paul Provenza, and afterward, I took a leak next to Ron Jeremy. Is that right? Yeah, and everybody asked me the same question. Did you look?

That is a trick question. First of all, you don't look. Second of all, I've seen it before there you go yeah there you go David Neeker no he saw that

he kind of saw that he was in the doorway he snuck his head in I can still see his dick hanging in the middle of the door his presence is here he stood back there going I looked over at Neekers and that thing unbelievable He sees Dick hanging in the middle of the door. His presence is here. His presence is here. He's sitting back there going, I looked over at Neekers and that thing.

Unbelievable. That's why they put me in a movie. The Persian penis. Fuck yeah. The silver surfer. Whoa. It's because of that gray fucking beard. Look at that thing.

It's amazing. It's unbelievable. You're totally going to be the bad guy in the new True Detective. I hope so. I'm really excited for it. I'm telling you, he's going to fuck around in beans. I had an audition for an ABC Disney

series regular. What the fuck were you? I was a cook, a camp cook from Maine. A camp cook! What was your line? Can you give us a line from it? That fish ain't going to gut itself. Damn. Nailed it.

ABC family? That fish ain't gonna gut it. I'm sure I didn't gut it. It was supposed to be a creepy chef, right? It's like a kid's show, so yeah. Obviously. I love it. There he goes, everybody. David Neeker.

Yeah, David Neeker. He's on Twitter at David Neeker. Yeah! He's a big man. Neeker dropping the mic. Fuck yeah. He's like, I'm out.

He's on the microphone like a speed bag. Like a Def Jam comic. Hell yeah. Toss it down. I'm out. Bam. Boom him off the stage. David Neeker.

Rub the stump. Give it up for my man, David Neeker. Dropping the mic. Funny thing is, he's been on the show a few times. When he smoked pot, he never tripped over the microphone. Wow. Wow. A few days without marijuana just goes to show.

It throws off everything. Guys, this is the part of the show where we have two regulars that do a brand new minute every single week. And they've been doing this since the beginning of the show. Since it started a long, long time ago. Boom. It's 9.20. No, we can't. Because we always end up going too short.

If we have time, then we'll do another one after. But anyway, put your hands together. We can't do another minute. First comedian. First comedian that does a new minute every week. Put your hands together for, you know from Dissenter, you know from Kill Tony. It's the one and only Sarah Weinshank, ladies and gentlemen.

There she is. Thanks. You know her from Dissenter. You know her from Kill Tony. It's the one and only Sarah Weinshank, ladies and gentlemen. Here she is. Thank you. What's up? Yeah. That's fun. Guys, I was looking for a thesaurus last week. I asked my friend, hey, you got a thesaurus? She was like, what the fuck are you talking about?

Nobody uses a thesaurus anymore. Like, if you Google the word thesaurus, it just says, did you mean 1982? What's going on? Did you mean 1982? What's going on? And also, like, okay. In terms of a thesaurus, like, if you don't know what the fuck a thesaurus is, then you sure as hell don't know what a synonym and an adjective are.

Because you're depending on a thesaurus. I was thinking about it, and I was like, I wonder if the word thesaurus is even in the thesaurus. Like, what would that say? All right. There it is, a new wineshank minute. I like that she stayed committed to Thesaurus. It was almost a tongue twister.

It is a tongue twister. I thought it was a gay dinosaur. I was going to say something about reptiles. Reptiles. Thesaurus. Roge. It's always Roge's. Roge is the brand of Thesaurus.

It is? Roge, yes. Look that up. It's always Roger's. What's that? Roger is the brand of thesaurus. It is? Oh, Roger, yes. Look that up, yes. Roger? It's Roger, R-O-G-E-T. I'm not lying. The Roger's thesaurus. Oh, I can picture it now.

Blue with a red line under something like that. Roger's thesaurus. Look it up. Is it French? I think so. Because I would just say Roger. Don't say Roger. Yeah. Fuck that.

Roger's thesaurus. There's only one way to find out whether that word's French or not, and it's by looking it up in a thesaurus. Boom. No, a dictionary, motherfucker. You dumb motherfucker. I'm a big dumb idiot. I like that she went, she's doing a thesaurus joke, and it didn't

work, and then she was like, oh yeah? We'll enjoy 30 more seconds of thesaurus jokes. Because that's what you get. You didn't say antonym. I thought you were going to say antonym. You said adjective. I meant antonym. God damn it! Fuck! I meant

antonym. I said adjective? You said adjective. I was like, oh, I think it's antonym. Yeah, no, that's wrong. Because that's a wordy fucking joke. So, you know, of course, you've got to work it out. Of course, you only had fucking 60 seconds of shit. But thesaurus, that's a thinking fucking joke. You know what I mean?

Yeah, I've been thinking about it. I've been thinking about it all week. Think harder, God damn it. I've been thinking super hard, and this is what I have. And I was like, I don't know. Yeah, Roger. Roger. Remember Roger? Add that in know. Yeah, Roger. Roger. Remember Roger.

Add that in there. Roger. Fucking add that in there. Webster and Roger. Maybe if you go with Yeah, that's right. Is Thesaurus in the Thesaurus? And then you go,

I bet if you look it up, it says a book you used in 1988 or whatever it was. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I just looked up Thesaurus.com. Thesaurus is on Thesaurus.com. What does it say?

It's just... Reference book, glossary, lexicon. Glossary. I knew it was going to fucking say glossary. It's a blue and a black dress. Reference book. Is there any rosés? You fucking love this rosé.

Oh, it's all rosé. How much are they paying you to plug this? It's not the candy. It's rosé. I'm talking about... Have you ever seen Godfrey? He's you? It's not the candy. It's Roger. I'm talking about you. Have you ever seen Godfrey? He's great. Loves the Roger.

That's right. I like to bring that up. Excusez-moi, do you have the Roger? He has an exclusive contract. It might be a fucking wine, dude. The real situation is really that we don't have books anymore, right? It's these fucking phones that everything's on. Well, the Kindle, man.

Kindle on your phone. I got Kindle on my phone. Kindle on your phone. I got Kindle on my phone. Kindle on your phone. You got Kindle on your phone? Yeah, I read a book off my phone. Half of it. Half of it? On a Kindle. Oh, right. It's kind of hard, though. You don't have the pages. It's like fucking freaky. Do they have

cliff notes on Kindles? Yes. You can get all that. You can still cheat. All that shit. All that shit. Beautiful. You can still cheat. Still cheat. Yeah, most of the. You can still cheat. Still cheat. Yeah, most of the books I read were four pages long. Thesaurus. Remember when this was called Hinchcliffe's Notes? Yeah.

Those were the days. Thesaurus. How long did that last? I think one week. Thesaurus. We changed it quick. It was too long and it had an apostrophe in it, so it wasn't good for hashtags.

Anyway. What's a synonym for thesaurus? Glossary. Glossary. Glossary's like a mini dictionary. What made thesaurus so passionately a part of your vision? Because it's an arbitrary thing, and I really wanted to dig into it,

and I know that it needs work. But I think that I'm on to something here. Don't let the audience steer you away from the gold that is the thesaurus. Absolutely. Sarah, I think you should look at a thesaurus for different stand-up topics. Damn. Damn. What's synonym for ugh? All I heard was a sad mandolin play.

I didn't get to catch it. What did you say, Pat? I said I think you should look into thesaurus for different stand-up topics. Wow. Wow, you went for that, huh? I mean, you were... Jamaica, boom, bachlat! Not a mercy.

Just insulting over there. Thesaurus. Pat, what's happening over there? If you look up, never seen a vagina in the thesaurus, it says Pat and guitar comic. If you look up, wait, what did you say? Uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh, he wanted to hear that. He wants you to repeat it. I didn't want to bring the fire. He said, what did you say? Uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh, he wanted to hear that. He wants you to repeat it.

I didn't want to bring the fire. He said, what did you say? Oh, I didn't hear what you said. When you look up, well, when you watch this episode, Pat, you're going to have a good laugh. You'll hear it next week, motherfucker. Fuck yeah. Wineshank, what else?

Everything else good? Everything else is good, yeah. Fuck yeah. Yeah. At the bow tie. Rocking the bow tie that says... Captain's jacket. else is good. Yeah. Fuck yeah. Yeah. At the bow tie. Rocking the bow tie that says. Captain's jacket. Female sad magician.

Yeah. On a ship. Yep. On a cruise ship. On a cruise ship. The love boat. Absolutely. I love it.

Well, you did it again. Another brand new minute from Sarah Weinshank, everybody. All right. Another brand new minute every single week from Sarah Weinshank. She's on Twitter at PrincessShank. This is incredible last names on the show today. Always. Always. Next one's a cool last name, too.

She's from the great state of Florida. After her very first time doing stand-up comedy here on Kill Tony, started here two years ago. And here she is right now. Ladies and gentlemen, the one and only Kimberly Congdon with another new minute.

Congdon? Thank you. I think I'm bad at forcing guys to be my boyfriend. I'm not really good at it because in the one instance that I do like someone, I accidentally suck his dick too soon.

I don't know why I do it. I went for it. Jesus. Mom's not going to like that. My dad walked out on us when we were younger. It's sad. I think it's more awkward than it is sad because he kept coming back to be fed.

It's like, just go, dude. Just leave. So I have abandonment issues, and I decided to go online and seek therapy for it, but the web page was unavailable. That was a stab at the heart. And then my computer packed itself up and got a new family.

Okay. Nice. That's exactly a minute. Oh, yeah. She timed it out. She timed it perfectly. She knows what she's doing. She does.

The internal clock. What the fuck you doing? Very powerful. You know what the fuck you're doing. She does. The internal clock. What the fuck you doing? Very powerful. You know what the fuck you doing? Another new minute. Man, that sucking dick thing really took some pride out of me. Well, but. We were all like, what?

Yeah. But. What you got to realize is you can never suck a dick too fast. Because there is some truth to art, you know? I just. I'm just trying to... I was trying to kind of talk about when you want to date a guy and you want to hold out.

Oh, the worst plan ever. Yeah, yeah. We're familiar with that. Yeah, that's... That's not really how it works. If they don't... What guy here has been like, she seems cool, but she sucked my dick.

Fuck that. I don't think she's right for me. Yeah, you can't just be sucking dick haphazardly, you know what I mean? Haphazardly sucking. That's one of my favorite movies that was possibly filmed by Zeger or whatever his name was.

David Neeker. David Neeker, yeah. Listen to his creepy laugh in the back of the room. He's back there too. He's got the laugh of somebody with his look. Look at the outline of him right now. I love that outline. Scariest thing I've ever fucking seen.

If you saw that in the corner of your room at night, you'd be like, man, I need to smoke pot so I don't have this dream again. Horrifying. All right, second dick. Now we move on to, I like the abandonment issue. Yeah, that's the thing we like after getting our dick sucked is those are the two big things guys are looking for. I like abandonment.

Yeah, leave. She's not even going to get that mad when I leave. She's used to it. That's going to going to get that mad when I leave. She's used to it. How great is that? And then you come right back to get fed in the closet. I love that. You have good jokes.

What was the last thing? Just my computer leaving and getting a new family. That part probably could be rewritten, right? The dick suck thing. Yeah, and the dick suck thing, I think you should break down sort of what we just talked about with it, too. You know what I mean? Like the fact that some girls think that holding out with some,

you know, I mean, it's not really, yeah, that's not really a thing. I mean, maybe like back in the day. Yeah, well, I'm feeling much better now. Yeah. We know. What we're saying is we support you. Well, it must be a catch-22. Like, yeah, we support you, but at the same time, if you're really looking for someone

to fall in love with you and they're not falling in love with you and you're sucking their dick soon, then you. It's like, what's wrong? Yeah, there's something else that you haven't figured out yet because it's not the fact that you're giving blowjobs too soon. Don't you turn this around on me. She seemed perfect, but...

But if it's good blowjobs, girls take pride in good blowjobs. Girls take pride when they're really good at it, though. No fucking... I feel like all girls say they're good at it, though. No, no, no.

Well, most of them... God, I'm not very good at this. They're they're good at it No no no Well most of them I'm not very good at this They're not all good at it but I feel like they all say they are I feel like Gum it gum it I am terrible at blowjobs Get the teeth out of there Yo Muppets suck me I think like all girls saying they suck dick

Is like equivalent to guys telling girls That they can't come from head It's like all guys say that really never said that I've never said that Really good at this. You told me. Who are you fucking, Cam? That's what I'm saying. Guys say that to get you to be like, oh, I can do this. And it's like, obviously they can come.

They're trying to get a little effort. Yeah. What's going on? Wow. Like, make it like a challenge. Guys say those things. I don't want you to feel special, but I always come during blowjobs. Keep it up.

A little role reversal, I think, would be in order. Yeah, that's an interesting one. I never even thought that that was something that guys did. Yeah, I've heard it. That's a thing? I've heard it from a few people, and girls have agreed that they've been told that, too. Wow. Wow.

Never heard that in my life. Wow. That's an interesting one. You came out gay with the dick sucker. That's what I thought Tony was going to say. He's like, I've never heard someone say they can't come from a blowjob. Whoa. What situation were you in? I would just imagine that that would almost

I would picture that it would backfire. It would be like, that's a great way to not get your dick sucked, is I never come from getting my dick sucked. You're like, oh, never mind. Right, yeah. Who would? That seems like a rough Pepsi challenge.

Totally. Fuck yeah. What else, Kate? You know. What else can I say after that? Are you really trying to date somebody? Are you really trying to find love right now? No.

You're lying. You're lying? Just performing. Because she's attractive. You're comedy attractive. I can, yeah, I can have. No, I'm fucking with you. Whoa.

Oh, shut up. Shut the fuck up. Damn. You don't know. I'm saying because all you do. All she does is hang around comedians. All she's around is comedians. It's the truth. And she's, them comics

come at you, don't they? They're like, hey, what's up? Right? Yeah. Because there's a lot of there's a lot of comic girls that are contractive. It's like watching a basketball game, a girl's basketball game. You're like, there's a couple of them. You know how every once in a while you go, damn, while you go Damn that girl

That girl The point guard is hot Fuck Has anyone ever thought that? Yeah there are a couple There are a couple Women's softball Yeah

There's some hotties in women's softball You're really trying to pull yourself out of that one That's the sound of Sarah Weinshank Shooting herself for not being called comedy attractive when she was up here. They shooting. I made you look. You the slave in the page of my rhyme book. It's a rough night. We just lost Weinshank, everybody. Hey, Cam, I bet you can't make me come.

She's currently in the trunk of Neeker's car. She's attractive. You can't make me come. Strangely enough, the only other thing in Neeker's trunk right now. He said you can't do it. You can't make me come. Yeah, that was my joke that I don't fall for that. You can't make me come. Strangely enough, the only other thing in Nika's trunk right now. He said you can't do it. You can't make me come. Yeah, that was my joke that I don't fall for that.

You can't do that. Okay, bye. Brian's beating a dead horse, everybody, to close out strong. I feel like every time I've done this show, Brian gets really creepy with her. Okay, bye. Oh, really? Is that their thing? Yeah, that's been two years of...

She knows she's attractive. She has choices. Okay, bye. Boom. The powerful brand new minute from both of them. There she is again. Kimberly Congdon, everybody. Yeah.

We did it again. That's an episode of Kill Tony right there. Pat Reagan. Is that Patty Reagan? Kimberly Congdon. Princess Shank. Don't call her the cunt back. Josh Martin.

I've been here for years. Godfrey, what do you got coming up that you want to promote? My show on Fox, May 27th. It's called Bullseye. It's on Fox. It's me, Kellen Lutz from Twilight. We co-host. It's a challenge stunt show.

May 27th after MasterChef. Fucking awesome. Fuck yeah. Yeah, check it out. Bullseye. On Fox. Everybody knows it's on Fox. Yes.

It's clearly sponsored by Roger Thesaurus. Roger. Notaurus. Roger. Not Roger. Roger. How dare you. There's no R at the end. There's a T, fucker. The great and powerful Rick Ingram, ladies and gentlemen, since episode one.

That makes me sound like a sad magician. The quadruple callback. Follow him at Rick Ingram at Godfrey Comedian on Twitter. Godfrey Comedian, yes, sir. So much fun. This is awesome. Live stream, news stream. We all stream for you.

Kill Tony. Thank you. Good night, everybody. Everybody get your dicks up. All right. You're going to take a picture. Set it right there. Outro Music you