KILL TONY - KILL TONY #107

Episode Date: August 2, 2015

Steve Agee, The Sklar Brothers, Sara Weinshenk, Kimberly Congdon, Pat Regan, Tony Hinchcliffe, Josh Martin, Brian Redban - Date: 06/01/2015 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to Kill Tony here at Death Squad. Go to our website, deathsquad.tv, click on Tour Dates. There we have all our shows, including this one, Monday, at the Comedy Store in the Belly Room. Kill Tony, free show. Check us out. Also, Tuesday is the Roast Battle from the very popular new podcast, Verbal Violence, here at Death Squad. And then, every Friday, we have the Ice House Death Squad comedy show. It's a bunch of comics. That's where we record

the Ice House Chronicles every Friday. And that's every Friday at 10 p.m. at the Ice House in Pasadena, California. We have a huge show this Wednesday at the Comedy Store in the main room. The Death Squad secret show is back. My birthday is this week, and Joe Rogan's birthday is next week.

So we're having a Death Squad Secret Show birthday show. It's got a bunch of comedians in it. Tony Hinchcliffe's in it. Dean Del Rey's in it. Joe Rogan's in it. Jason Tebow. Sam Tripoli. Sarah Weinshank.

Kimberly Congdon. Josh Martin. And a bunch of surprise secret guests. It's going to be crazy. So join us for our birthday show, August 5th, Wednesday, at the Comedy Store in the main room. Tickets are on sale right now. Go to thecomedystore.com to get them.

Also, check out Tony Hinchcliffe's website, TonyHinchcliffe.com, for all his tour dates and merchandise. And ShopSquad.tv has a bunch of new hats in right now. Also check out Tony Hinchcliffe's website TonyHinchcliffe.com for all his tour dates And merchandise And ShopSquad.tv has a bunch of new hats In right now The cat clocks are in now And a new t-shirt that's being released tonight So check it out ShopSquad.tv

Alright guys Here's a brand new episode Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band coming to you live from the road-famous Comedy Store for a brand new episode of Kill Tony, Volume 2. Give it up for Tony Hinchcliffe. Yeah, here we are, everybody. Fuck yeah, here we are yeah. Here we are again.

Here we are again, everybody. Another lovely, lovely Monday. Hi, everyone. How are you, live audience? Yeah, do you hear that? That's us waking up, a live audience on a Monday night. That's what it sounds like. Hello to our viewers via Ustream,

the thousands on Ustream, and the hundreds and hundreds on Periscope. This is Kill Tony, everybody. You guys ready for a crazy night or what? Keep it going for our one-man band, Pat Reagan, ladies and gentlemen. You heard it.

How's it going, Pat? Good, man. Did you have fun up there tonight? Yeah, I had fun. I closed my eyes most of the night. I felt good about it, though. I kind of didn't want to look at these people. Fuck yeah. There you go.

Way to get them on your side before the show starts. Yeah, the old classic hate the audience. No, it's not hate. It's not hate. It's not hate. I just didn't want to look at you. Wow. Again, he just repeated it again.

Had a chance to clear the air, and look what he does. Well, he just repeated it again. Had a chance to clear the air and look what he does. Well, you know, it's a tough spot, this warm-up thing, because you're like you're not introduced. You just kind of start going. And so it doesn't feel like a regular show set. So sometimes I just go inward

as opposed to outward. Did you just say inward? You just go inward? Fuck yeah. I think you're lovely. You just go N-word? Fuck yeah. I think they're lovely crabs, Tony. That's the first real funny thing of the night, everybody. If you missed it, then wake up. Here we are, everyone.

Very, very excited about tonight's episode. This is a very, very special one. Comedians sign up for the chance to do a minute, and I always have very funny comedians come up and sit on the panel with me, and we talk with these new, sometimes new just to L.A. comedians, and anything can happen when they do their minute, and then we talk to them.

This is a very special one, because normally we have two people. Tonight we're going with three in a special complete blowout episode. And prehens together for our artist, everybody. That's right.

Last week's was so crazy. Ryan J. Ebelt, everybody. The one and the only. He draws an entire picture of the dais and exactly what happens here. That's a new addition. Follow Ryan J. E-Belt on Twitter, Instagram, and everything. And look out for how he's going to sell these prints.

And it's un-fucking-believable artwork. Check out his Instagram. You won't believe how he draws these things. It's so exciting. I'm already there. Yeah, last week was a James Bond theme. So cool. It was badass.

I was holding a microphone that was shaped like a gun, and it was amazing. I'm very excited. I had a cat peeing on me. So let's do it, guys. Tonight, it's a brand new panel. Not one of these three members have ever been on this show before, and I've been trying to book all of them for the last two years, and I got all three of them at once here tonight

for a solar eclipse of Kill Tony hilarity. Put your hands together for Steve Agee and the Sklar brothers, ladies and gentlemen. Sklar, Sklar, and Agee. Fuck yeah. This is exciting. Josh, do we only have two microphones? Yeah.

Oh, no. Wow, Josh, really dropping the ball there. Wow. Put your hands together for our producer, our accident-prone runaround producer, Josh Martin, who's probably zooming everybody out of frame right now as he adjusts the camera over there. Pretty sure he's blowing it right now.

Two microphones for three guests, huh, Josh? That's what you went with with your brain today? That's great. Okay, I'm sorry. I guess work's in show business. There you go. One more time for Josh Martin, everybody. He's Josh Martin comic.

Just about every week he blows it in some way. Very rarely does he blow it this fast, right from the top, right as the guest is there. Sklar Brothers, not Sklar Brother. Right. I am so happy to have you guys here. I've seen you guys on our favorite sister show, Roast Battle.

You know, you guys are so, so fun. And we all have a bunch of mutual friends. We do. We do. Thank you. That's all we wanted to say. No, I have to say, you know, I mean, you see like movements in comedy kind of happening every once in a while. And with this show and the roast battle, there is like a new movement that is like someone in this business long ago said,

what you want to do is create an underground sort of groundswell to the point where it like can't be denied. And you go to the roast battle and you're like sitting next to like Jason Reitman. And right. People are like people are coming in to check this thing out it's packed up here it's crazy yeah you know and they come in this show and there's a bunch of empty seats that's fine it just feels good yeah uh it's it's very very exciting no but it is really cool and i it's cool to be to see you be a part of that yeah the attic of the comedy store is alive with amazing shows right now. Pat Reagan's a big part of those shows. Pat always asks our guests a question

and it's always something random. Sometimes it's a goofy question. Sometimes it's something that he genuinely wants to know. Pat, go ahead. Alright, this is for the brothers. Alright, Pat. Oh, great. Thank you, Pat. Have we listened to your CD yet? Not yet. No. We're going to. But it is the best coaster in the world.

No, I'm sorry. All right. So you guys are biological brothers. Are you Eskimo brothers? What does that mean? What is that? Brian. Unemployed?

Have you shared women before? That's true. Have we shared any women? Or have you... Is that what that means? But I didn't know, did the Eskimos' wives swap a lot? Or just, like, there were, like, a few women that they all just kind of had? They all lived in Igloo, so they just all, you know, went in circles, slipped around everywhere.

I also believe that, like, every Igloo kind of looks the same. So you just, like, pop into one, and you're like, I'm home, but it's not your house. And you're like, ah, well, I'll fuck it. All right, I guess. I also cannot. We were up to in Alaska one time and it was super light, like at three in the morning. And I'm like, how? And this could apply

to us as well. Totally does. But how do ugly people get laid in Alaska when it's light all year? I mean, like you don't have the cover of darkness to like pull one out of the air. It's true. Have we? I don't think we have. I don't think we have. I think we avoided that.

You think there's a reason for it? You think one of you gets a girl and the other one's like, well, she's ruined now. That's damaged goods. Yeah, I don't know. It's funny because we don't really have that different of taste. Oh, wait, wait. His wife.

Oh, sorry, sorry. Boom, there it is. Totally forgot. I just remembered. I just remembered that. No, I think we are very conscious of anything, trying to stay away from anything that could be considered 20 or hacky. You guys ever hook up with twins before? A lot. Yeah, all the time. No, never. Trying to stay away from anything that could be considered twinny or hacky.

You guys ever hook up with twins before? A lot. Yeah, all the time. No, never. Black twins. Twins! How crazy? Yeah, what do we behave like?

We did hook up with those twins where they're connected at the head, and one of them is a country singer. And the other one's in a wheelbarrow? Yeah, she's like, She's like rolled around on a medical tray. Like she has to enter the country music world? That wasn't her fucking choice. She's like, I like dubstep.

Roll me over here. Anyway. Pat, what is your question for Steve Agee? Hey, Steve. Hi, Pat. Oh, Jesus. Turn question for Steve Agee? Hey, Steve. Hi, Pat. Oh, Jesus. Turn this shit off. Hello? Josh Martin over here unplugging the lack of microphones that we have.

Yeah, he's like, how can I plug in the ones that are here? Hello, hello, hello. Wow, he got another microphone. Josh Martin, everybody. Oh, no no he didn't Just in time for our interview to be over Thank you very much Don't let Josh's haircut confuse you

He's not retarded everybody He just put in another microphone Don't let his pants confuse you either Or the way that he talks Or his gait His trousers that he talks. Or his gait. His trousers. Question for Steve Agee coming from Pat Reagan.

Steve, how would you describe yourself physically to a blind person? Oh. They just have to feel it for themselves and be bummed out. Just have them touch you? Be like, have you ever been to a petting zoo? They don't have walruses in petting zoos, do they?

Not anymore. I'd say walrus, and then they'd be like, I don't know what a walrus looks like. And I'd be like, feel my stomach. And they'd be like, oh. Now we know what a walrus feels like. 27 shaved rabbits. What? A pile of like. 27 shaved rabbits. What? A pile of rabbits.

Sewn together. Like a Holocaust pile of rabbits. Just, what? Bangla rabbit. That's where they draw the line. You say pile of rabbits, everybody's okay. A Holocaust pile of rabbits, too soon. That's right, that's right.

Or maybe not soon enough. Well, there you go. That's right. That's right. Or maybe not soon enough. Well, there you go. There's your questions from Pat Reagan. You guys ready to get this thing started? Over 30 comedians signed up for the chance to do one minute of stage time on this show tonight and then talk to us on this stage afterwards. Comedians, you know your time is up. Your 60 seconds is up when you hear the sound of a kitty.

Aw, adorable. That means wrap it up then, or else you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. There he is. That's what describes Steve Agin. That is. That growl is a minute long. This is funnier than most people. Well, I love it. That growl is a minute long.

Well, I love it. So here we go. Your comedian doing the first uninterrupted minute of stage time tonight goes by the name of David Deary. Woo! I'm a little bit angry. I saw a 12-year-old kid looking at pornography on his phone. When I was 12, I found a Playboy in a tree stump. All the fucking pages were stuck together.

That was my porno, you know? Porno on your phone? I mean, that would make going to temple a little bit easier, you know what I mean? I mean, I just feel like nowadays if you can spell porn, you can look at porn, you know?

And you don't have to spell it right. You can spell it porn. You can spell it pern. You can spell it P with a bunch of symbols. Google will know what you're talking about.

Google will be like, P-R-Q-R-3-R-Z? Don't you mean pornography? You want to see some tits? And the kid's like, oh yeah, tits. And then it's like, welcome to porno world. Welcome to porno world. Wait a second. Are you 18? Yes, come on in. Welcome to porno. You looked a little young. Come on. Like, why do they even have that thing? You know, that little security system? Are you 18? It should just say, do you know what a green button looks like? All right.

Thanks a lot. There it is. Exactly a minute. Wow. Exactly a minute on porn. Exactly a minute. I have been practicing that minute for three years now, Tony. Three years.

Wow. I'm guessing you probably watch porn for about a minute, right? If I'm lucky. What's your favorite kind of porn to watch? Oh, my favorite kind of porn. Because when the porn was in the tree stump, you were limited to what the pages were on it. Yeah, it was so sad. It's so sad.

Porno is actually kind of the weirdest thing because it's like, everything else is getting more expensive, but porn is getting freer and better. You can't grandpa porn, you know what I mean? You can't be like, when I was a kid, you couldn't see pussy. You could only see hair, and it was $3.75, and you had to, like, ask a guy. What do you tell, you just did that. You just grandpa'd porn by saying that you found it in an old tree stump. No, I'm saying you can't say it's getting worse. In my day.

Yeah, back in my day, a movie was a quarter and a big thing of popcorn was 75 cents. You can't do that with porn, you know, because it was 375 back in the day. And now it's just free. Now it's free. Oh, I see. So you can't do the price thing. It's getting better. Yeah, it's better, bigger.

Did you really find it in a tree stump? Yeah, not a tree stump, but like an abandoned shack. That's not a tree stump. Yeah, but I bought tree stumps at the money room. I feel robbed now. Although, I just kept thinking of like the giving tree. That was her last gift. Her last gift was, I can't build you a house, but I got this old fucking jug.

That sounds like an Adult Swim cartoon right there. The giving tree. The porno giving tree. Yeah, the porno giving tree. So this shack, I mean, where was it? There was a, like, I lived in the suburbs, and there was this, there was a hospital, and then behind the hospital, these kids, these like older kids built this like BMX track. Of course.

And there was like a shack back there. And then I guess people would like leave their Playboy magazines there. Where are you from? Because I had this exact same experience. Me too. I'm from the suburbs of Philadelphia. I have to say, by the way, like all this stuff is really comedically interesting to me. Like I know tree stump is funny and that's like short and quick.

But like I would love the truth of it is really very funny. I think you could say tree stump and then pull back and be like, all right, it wasn't a tree stump. It was actually a shack. It was actually a shack. These guys built this VM. Because if you saw a shack behind a hospital, you'd be like... And it wasn't Shaquille O'Neal. Yeah. It was a shack. That would be amazing

if you were getting your porn from Shaq, though. Hey, man, take one of these, man. Yeah, look, Jack off to this. If you were getting your porn from And then all of a sudden you're like, hey, what's this tree stump, Shaq? And he's like, that's my dick, man. I put an ice hot sleeve on my penis. Hey, man, why are you trying to grab pornos out of my dick, man? That's terrible.

I thought it was a tree stump, Mr. O'Neal. People in his dick. That is super interesting. It's a great, good concept, man. Well, there you go. I really liked it. You had fun. It was a great bit, and we had fun with you. Can we talk about this before? I thought you were very

composed. You just had it going on. You really had worked that minute out. I love that the minutes, like, you didn't even waste a second, which is super important when you only have a minute. Like, you were right into the flow as if you were in the middle of your set, and I love that. Do people say that you remind them of David Cross? Yeah.

You get that a lot? Yeah. I mean, look, it's tough. From his cousin, his publicist, a them of David Cross. Yeah. You get that a lot. Yeah. I mean, look. From his cousin, his publicist, a lot of people. But it's not as much anymore. But I lived in New York right around, I don't know, the early 90s when he was, like, doing Piano Bar and Mr. Show. That would be the late 90s. Late 90s, early 2000s.

Oh, yeah, yeah, you're right. You're right. Sorry. Yeah, 99. Late 90s. And all the time. All the time, everyone would give it to me. Which kind of sucks. So much that I thought about making a movie about kidnapping him and stealing his show, trying to do a stand-up show,

and people being like, this isn't really him. But you couldn't sell that idea anywhere. No, I couldn't even convince people to do it with me for free. I mean, it just wasn't a good idea. So you still kidnapped him? No. You know what? This sounds. It actually could be. Not a movie, but it sounds like

the beginning of an amazing porno. Which I think brings it full circle. You try to kidnap David Cross. We should make a magazine out of it. It's called Cross Dressers or something like that. I was going to call it the stump. What are you guys saying? Honestly, if you look like a comedian and you want to be a comedian call it the stump. What are you guys saying? Honestly, if you look like a comedian

and you want to be a comedian, it's hard. I don't know anything what that would be like. That's so weird. To look like another comedian? It seems like a foreign concept. I mean, I don't even know.

I love that I did a visual joke on a podcast. Google Sklar. I do think it is hard. That is a hard thing to get out from. I don't get it as much anymore because he's not out as much. We died.

Did you know that? That would be the best thing that happened to me. I think you just keep doing what you're doing. I really liked it and really enjoyed seeing you. So great job. Yeah. Thanks. I'd like to see you Friday at the Death Squad show, of course.

There you go. You just got a nice house spot, everybody. Wow. You just got a spot. Any more? You guys want to see me anywhere? Anyone else? Anyone else?

Any other bookings? You want to drive my kids to grade school? Brian really wanted to book David Cross, but he couldn't get him. You're the next best thing. Ladies and gentlemen, Cross Light. Well, there he goes, everybody. David Deary. A minute from

David Deary. He's on Twitter. And his first name is David. David Deary. Is he on Twitter? Yes, he's on Twitter at MF David Derry everyone so fucking David Derry the gates yeah he is something else

who the bucket gonna give us whoops put your hands together for Rashid Stevens everyone here we go hello Here we go. Hello. I'm working part-time security now on Hollywood Boulevard. And I like working security because it's not a fake job.

What I mean by that is you don't have to act fake. Security is the only job where you can show up to work angry and mad and it's a positive. Like I feel sad for the guys that work at McDonald's. They're making them smile for $8 an hour. That's wrong. I feel like you should be able to act according to your paycheck, you know. You getting paid crappy, you deserve to act crappy. I feel like this would be the ideal transaction you walk at McDonald's. Instead of them handing your sandwich over politely and saying thank you, have a good day, I think they should make that sandwich angry and aggressive and hateful and just throw it at your face. You should take it. You know why? Because both of you guys have made bad choices in life.

That would be the ideal transaction. Only thing I have against the guys that work at McDonald's is that they feel like they own the restaurant. I mean, for 50 chicken nuggets, one sauce? No, that's wrong. They charge you an extra 50 cents. I'm like, listen, if I had an extra 50 cents, I wouldn't be eating at McDonald's. I'd be at a

more upscale restaurant like Wendy's or something. Making more better bad choices in life. Thank you. Fuck yeah. 54 seconds from Rasheed Stevens. The Rasheed Wallace of comedy. Yeah. Paul, don't lie.

I liked it. First of all, again, I like that you talked about your security job, but I wanted to hear more about that. As soon as you started talking about that I was like what is that what security for what where like you know we always come from like you start with this nugget of truth and then you can go wild because you meet you quickly went away from your because you're a funny dude doing security like do you ever do jokes on people oh yeah all the time I mean what do you do to people well

recently I was working on security this Saturday and uh where this Cosmo on do jokes on people oh yeah all the time i mean uh what do you do to people well recently uh i was working on security this saturday and uh where this cosmo on hollywood boulevard hollywood and cosmo and uh these these two girls and this guy got in a confrontation and i was supposed to break it up so i was trying to act like i didn't see it so i turned and a friend came and tapped me on the shoulder she's like this guy harassing us and he ended up she threw a drink in his face he ended up slapping her and i i went to go break him up. I was like, dude, what you hit a girl for? What you hit a girl for?

And he said, I'm sorry. He slipped $100 in my hand. And I turned to her and I said, what you messing with this man for? He was like, he's a good man. Right there. That's it. Amazing. Get away from McDonald's and get into your personal shit.

It's way funnier. That's so funny. That is like, that's what they said to Ray Rice. Exactly. Same thing. No, that's really funny. I was about to say it, but it took me. He only has a minute.

I know, but I also. Randy or Jason. Whichever one said that. Oh, that hurts. An old friend, Steve Agee. I like the premise of you should be able to act according to your pay scale. Yes. I would explore that even more.

I would just explore it even like someone who makes just a ton. Like, you ever see like a really rich person that's upset? Like, you should be able to get someone from McDonald's to slap that dude or throw food at him. Like, you're so rich, you can't be upset. You're not allowed to be upset at anything, which kind of sucks. Because we're upset about shit in life. That you're rich? Is that what you said? No. Weird.

I also think that it's... And you're bigger than we are, but when you say you work security, I think you're kind of slightly small for a security guy. That is a funny pronoun like i'm the smallest security guy around i'm actually like one of the biggest ones at the job because a lot of those

guys are hispanic so yeah hey oh all right funny too nice it's a good thing uh no but that to me is also interesting that that you're not like a giant enormous dude working security i could never do security yeah because, you're like... Fuck, the second I saw a dude throw a drink in a girl's face, I would be like, I'm going on break. I'd be fucking in the alley smoking, nervously chain smoking. Is he gone yet? Is he gone yet? No, but I think that's fun.

I think you were in a vein, like that story you told, about being like, are you the worst security guy you know? I mean, like, multiple examples of you not being good at security did they just hire you because you're black like what happened because like they needed me to quote us they needed me to quote us they needed somebody over five eight so i was uh how long you been doing this job uh on and off for about six months what'd you do before that i was doing street canvassing i worked i studied political science in college so i was uh working in like political campaigns and stuff so you went to a more intellectual endeavor yeah well i needed something uh that was going to

be like because they i worked from 12 to 4 a.m so i mean i needed something that was going to be flexible in between comedy yeah rashid rash you do comedy. Rasheed, I notice you keep flipping off. Has anyone noticed that Rasheed is flipping off the audience with his middle finger with your mic? And I'm just wondering, it would be great if at your other jobs, like when you're checking security, you're checking someone's license and you're flipping them off. And then you're like, you've got a bulletin board for your political campaign, and you're like,

could you sign this? Just flip people off. Did you know you were flipping people off? No, I didn't. I mean, I was raised this way. If anybody's going to tell the audience, fuck you, it's going to be Pat Reagan. He doesn't want anybody else stepping on his territory.

How long have you been doing stand-up? Almost two years. Where are you from? Georgia, born and raised. East Point, Georgia, same hometown as OutKast. Oh, East Point. Shout out, everybody. Look out.

Was he like a man? Was he sort of? Oh, never mind. I know where you were going. He was like, he just was some guy that like just no one really allowed him in. He was kind of a loner. He was kind of on the outs. All right, whatever.

It's a terrible joke. All right. Whatever. Do you start stand up in Georgia and then come out here? Yeah, technically. I mean, I guess. I mean, I don't – because, like, five years ago I tried it out, and I didn't do too well.

I bombed a lot, like, the first three times, so I didn't get back into it. So does everybody. Yeah. So I didn't get back into it, so I've been out here, and I haven't missed a day in almost two years. Wow, that's awesome. She's got great skin. Oh, wow.

Look at that. A great skin compliment coming from Pat Reagan. Wow. Nothing racist about that. I really like your suntan. You really have been out here for two years. You probably don't swim very well either. Oh, oh, what?

Why am I saying too much? Have you ever had to get physical at the security job in the six months that you've been working it? I have, but I tried my best. I mean, that was the first thing I had to, but I was trying to not get into it but the girl saw me so she saw me avoiding the confrontation so she came and grabbed me like hey this guy harassing us but i try to avoid every time i see a fight i try to make sure i hit the other side of the room yeah like you're blending in yeah because i mean i you know i'm not trying to mess up my face you say i got good yeah that's the meal trying to keep this game that's the meal ticket that's's the meal ticket. I'm trying to keep this game. That's the meal ticket. I'm trying to keep it. That's funny.

Being the avoidant security guard is really, I think that concept is funny. Because I think most people have experienced security people, but they don't know what they're thinking. They don't know what they're talking about. Or they just assume that, like, people who take security jobs are due to want to just bust on people. There's a lot of guys like that. I mean, that was the problem that the guy said I kept smiling too much. He said, you can't be coming to work smiling, so that's why I developed a joke.

What are you smiling for? You got dimples, too. You can't be smiling with dimples. You're at home, and you get a phone call, and he's like, quit being so happy. You're at home. He's like, how does he know I'm happy at home? He texted me.

He said, I need a little more aggression, man. He said, you're just sitting in a room. You're cracking jokes at the customers. I need you to be intimidating. Is it one of those clubs where you decide who gets in? Somewhat. Because, I mean, it gets really packed on Saturdays and college nights. Have you ever denied anyone?

No, I haven't. Do you have any celebrity gossip? Nope, nope, nope. Well, I mean, they're like D-listers, so you wouldn't know them. I mean, like D-list rappers or whatever, so you wouldn't know them. That's funny. Like underground. Let's start talking about that.

Is underground a rapper or is that a – Are you talking about the digital underground? No, stop what you're doing. No, he's like a D-lister in the underground world. So it's A, B, C, D, D, underground rapper. But aren't – isn't like a D-list rapper probably the one they want the most in terms of what they're going to get in terms of VIP? Oh, yeah.

They usually spend the most money. They actually do do that a lot. They spend the most money buying bottles and stuff. And tipping out security guards $100. How much is a bottle at the club? $300. That's just a bottle of water. Well, Rasheed, great stuff.

Take that security stuff and run with it. The McDonald's stuff's great. Rasheed Stevens, everybody. He's on Twitter at Rasheed Stevens. Plain and simple. He's just the only Rasheed Stevens. Not MF Rasheed Stevens. Not the real Rasheed Stevens.

Oh, there you go. Stevens with a P-H. Like Brody. You got it. You got it. Tarzana. I work security. I look for conflict in the clubs. I shave Fernando Vina's

goatee with an epilady. You got it. Push and believe. Rashid's going to be a big star. I work in security. You got it. Where's my tambourine? Yes, yes. Push and believe.

I like this show. I love it. I was denied entrance into a club I worked at. You got it. I'm the resident floutist at the Guitar at. You got it. I'm the resident flautist at the guitar center. You got it. I like McDonald's. I get the happy meal because I'm positive.

You got it. I eat the toy and throw the food in the garbage. I pulled another name out of the bucket, and I'm really excited about this. This young lady I've heard a out of the bucket, and I'm really excited about this. This young lady I've heard a lot of buzz about, and I know that she's been signing up for months for this show, and I just pulled her name out. Put your hands together for Allie Makovsky, everyone.

Woo! Thanks. I have a monotone voice. I don't mind it, but other people do. I don't know. If I give someone a genuine compliment, they think I'm just being a bitch. I just want to go to someone's funeral and read the eulogy. Let me just take a breath. Okay. I want to read the eulogy you know like uh such a bummer Jeff had to die really gonna miss Jeff everyone at the funeral is gonna be like is she shitting on Jeff right now what's her deal with Jeff and then like I actually shit

on Jeff because it's an open casket funeral um guys it 2015. Why are we still burying ourselves like vampires? Just burn yourself like a normal person. Okay, thanks. Wow. That was great. I love that.

Can I have one suggestion? I don't think monotone is the right word. I think just a naturally sarcastic tone. I think is a little... Isn't that a little more on point? It's true because you're not monotone and you'll nail it right on the head if you say that because you're not really monotone.

I'm not trying to be sarcastic. Really, I'm not. No, I'm not. I'm really glad to be here. And like what they're doing, you can... You guys look so happy. You guys are great. I take you guys on the road with me.

No, you do that. You can tag it to death just like that. Everything you say. Seriously, you're beautiful. You're great. Whenever people don't laugh at that joke, and that's what I close with, I'm like, I hope you guys all have really good sets tonight just like the best sets ever

kill it when you come on stage but I think that's what it is I'm not a sarcastic person but the tone I don't know why I don't know why yeah I say sounds like a sarcastic Tony we have somebody on stage that has been doing a an amazing impersonation of one of our kill tony uh yeah girls gotten very popular around the club somebody yelled at me a couple weeks ago and they go tony you've got to come see what this girl can do and i was like it was like after one of these shows and i'm just running around and don't give a fuck and i'm like i don't care what anybody can do and they're like no seriously you have to come see this.

This girl can do a killer Sarah Weinshank impression. I'm like, I hang out with Sarah Weinshank every week. I don't care about this impression. Next thing you know, I'm watching her do this impression, and my mind is blown. What do we do? Do we do it now, or do we bring her back up after we see Sarah Weinshank tonight? Let's just do it now.

But if we do it now, then it's sort of... We can bring her back later, but let's hear Sarah Weinshank. Let's just do it now. But if we do it now, then it's sort of... We can bring her back later, but let's hear Sarah Wineshank talk about Pat Reagan right now. Oh, okay. Oh, God, I haven't done this in a while. It's not even good. Okay. It's really good.

I don't buy it. Every fucking time. It's funny. Okay. Can I talk about, like, a drink? Like, okay, like, what's the deal with red solo cups? Okay. Can I talk about a drink? What's the deal with red solo cups? It's like if I'm going to drink out of a cup,

I'm just going to do glass. It makes no sense. Wait, that was really bad. That was really bad. I'm going to bring you back after we see Sarah Weinstein. I'll work on it. It'll only make sense. And I would love to bring you Friday to the Death Squad show. You got it.

There you go. You got it. There you go. Way to be edgy. I like your I like the cough, the burying people like vampires. It's a very edgy thought but not for no reason. I actually think it's a really salient point.

It's great. Excellent. Thank you. Anything else? How long have you been doing stand-up? Almost 11 months. Oh, shit. A long time. Like, so long.

Yeah. Just forever. I brought that baby to term. Oh, wow. I'm ready to retire. If it doesn't have for you in, like, a month, I would think about getting it. Yeah. One year? Yeah.

Do you need a place to stay? Yeah. Whoa, what?. Do you need a place to stay? Yeah. Well, what? What happened? What just happened? This is a sword. Just get on. She Yeah, that's a

you need a place to sit. Yeah, not on your face. Yeah, my face is available. Who are your influences? Like who do you like see doing comedy and say, i have to you know i'm i'm embarrassed to say this but i'm kind of like naive with comedy like a lot of my friends are all like oh have you seen this movie or this comic and i'm like i really don't know and i feel like

in some ways that's better because i'm not biased or i don't try and like imitate anyone right but at the same time i feel like I should know more. But I really like Sarah Silverman, of course. You know, I like more... Steve doesn't know her. Never heard of her. By the way, I totally thought you were about to say Sarah Weinshank. Huge fan.

I thought you were going to say Sarah Palin, but I don't know. I thought any one of those would have worked. Big comedic influence, for sure. Big comedic influence. Well, that's good. That's good that you were charting your own path. Yeah. I was really happy at the originality. Do you agree? Yes, definitely. And I absolutely love that vampire burying thing. It's so perfect. I have a question. Whoa, look at this. Wow. I'm about to drop a

bomb. I'm planning on moving in three months to London England and Any advice about the comedy scene there because I am going solo Yes It's very similar from what I've told from what I've we've been told from friends who have been over there like rich culture and people Who have done stuff over there. Very similar to the alternative. There's a great scene. There's a club scene. There's a comedy store there. You should talk to Matt

Kirshen. Do you know Matt? Yeah, I know who he is. It's worth talking to him because he knows all the rooms that are there. I think your stuff would totally play what I just saw right here is universal enough. It's not American specific. What it will do is cause you to get really universal enough. It's not like American specific. Yeah. And what it will do is cause you to get really universal enough.

Your stuff can work over there, but then just work on honing your specificity as well. And then you can come back here and work here easily. Yeah. You moving there permanently? I just bought a one-way ticket. Why? Because round-trip tickets are expensive?

This is like the beginning of every meatloaf song what a long way to get to London or like the next either that or the next 9-11 like that's what we got I was trying to look up like the cheapest flights and one of them was like a stop in Russia

and I was like no thank you I'm not gonna like a stop in Russia and I was like, no, thank you. I'm not going to die. A stop in Russia? Yeah. It was like Malaysian Airlines. 50% off. Malaysian Airlines. What a shitty flight that is when it goes the long way, by the way. Three quarters

around the world way. Is it really Malaysian Airlines? No, it wasn't. But I was like, I'm not going to risk it. No, it's Delta. They go to Russia then Atlanta. Delta. They go to Russia, then Atlanta. Fucking worst. Yeah. Wow. Yeah.

So now I think I'm going to Norway. That's my pit stop. Jesus. Well. And actually, feel free to travel around, because I think there's actually a comedy scene in Amsterdam as well. Yeah. Feel free. Thank you. Thank God you have his permission to fucking travel.

Good advice. A lot of people don't know. While you're in London, go to the place where you can pick up a brochure. A lot of people don't know that the Sklar brothers also work customs in Europe. So I'm pretty sure you just got the go-ahead to travel around. Feelead to travel around.

You got the thumbs up! I hope my mom doesn't listen to this, because I haven't told my family or anyone. Is this a pen pal? Did you meet somebody on World of Warcraft? Is this something? Is there a secret to this story? Yeah, Brian wants to know if you meet people like he meets people on World of Warcraft.

I just was on Periscope one night, and everyone was like, come to London. That was an insider. Why did they say it so sarcastically? I know. They're bitches on Periscope. By the way, Josh's feed on Periscope is doing way better than yours.

Whoa. They're all commenting saying you need to change the angle. It's a big deal. There's no reason for me to change the angle when you're streaming it. Why are we talking about this? How dare you make this about Periscope, Allie?

I feel like I've overstayed my welcome. Well, I mean, you're the only person that asks questions when they come up here. But no, no, it was fantastic. Great work. Hilarious jokes. Can't wait to see you again. Allie Makovsky. Allie Makovsky's on Twitter at Allie Makovsky. These people have normal Twitter handles today.

That's A-L-I-M-A-C-O-F-S-K-Y. Very, very interesting style. But we're going to bring her back after we see Wine Shank later, just so that they can have a Wine Shank off. That's what we're going to call it to close out tonight's episode. I'm a Wine shank enthusiast. Yeah. Oh, wow. That's the first ever blank

piece of paper I ever pulled out of the bucket. Josh Martin is on fire tonight, everybody. I mean, really. He's just crushing. Josh, are you even looking at this? You're so funny. He's just walking the other direction. He doesn't even give a fuck. This is a blank piece of paper.

Just a blank piece. What are you doing? How does that even happen? Oh, I see. Okay, this is why. Kyle, next is Kyle. Oh, this is always interesting. Put your hands together for Arturo H.

Ooh, this is always interesting. Put your hands together for Arturo H. Here he comes. How's it going, everybody? So I was just in Mexico for a family reunion. My grandma turned 90, you know, and it was cool because all 93 of us were out there. We made it up. I thought

she was going to be happy or whatever but judging by the way she was looking around, she wasn't very fond of anybody at the end of the night. You know what I mean? Fuck. God, man. Yeah, man, but it was fucked up cause like

she it was fucked up man cause like an hour into the get together you know she just limits her responses to nods and fucking grunts you know but then my cousin reminded me hey she has Parkinson's you know I'm like oh shit that's fucked up you know

but what can you do you know um that's it that's all I got thanks man fuck yeah Arturo H fucked up. But what can you do? That's it. That's all I got. Fuck yeah. Arturo H. Sometimes I forget how funny it is when things don't go great and somebody has a panic attack 20 seconds in.

The H is for hyperventilate. Oh my god. I almost fell in the back You did? I saw you almost fall to come down here They should definitely not make you You see the scale of wall to get down here That's what comedy is man

First of all it takes guts to get on stage period So second of all I thought you were going to say I went down to Mexico to a family reunion And it worked out great because I made it back. And third of all, you weren't breathing nearly as hard as Allie during her scene. Right. Why is everybody so gassed tonight?

I don't know. It's because we're up. This is an elevated room. Standing, what do they call this? Yeah, I just went downstairs to get a beer, too, so I had just gotten upstairs. Yeah, it's a lot. It's 15 stairs, guys. Yeah, it's a lot. It's 15 stairs, guys.

Yeah, it's a lot. Hey, buddy, we ain't the same size. I know. I hear you, man. Arturo, you're- How long have you been doing it? Yeah. This is my third time on stage.

Whoa. Wow. Good for you, dude. Thank you. Yeah. That's phenomenal. My first one was actually here like a month ago or a month and a half ago. Fuck yeah.

Yeah. I love it. You're already wearing the curtain as a shirt, really making yourself at home. Oh, yeah. Tony, the curtains match the curtains. That is good. So do you really have like, I mean, I'm sure you don't have 93 relatives. No, yeah. I mean, at the end you don't have 93 relatives. No, yeah.

I mean, at the end it was like 82 of us. Because some of them got shot? Yeah. It's Mexico, guys. There's a drug war going on. Yeah, but a few couldn't make it and stuff. But yeah, there's like, yeah. So there's like a relative for every year that your grandmother's been alive.

Yeah, well, I mean, she had 12 kids and then there's like 35 grandkids and 34 great-grandkids. Do you want to ever just say to your family, stop? Yeah. Or how about a condom? Exactly. No, but it keeps on growing. How old's your grandma? She turned like 89.

38. She's 89. Yeah, like 89 or something. Does she really have Parkinson's? No, that was just, yeah. I thought you were going to joke. I think the truth is really funny. I mean, it's amazing. I don't know anybody that's got 80 people in their family.

That to me is like. Everybody's got at least 80 people if you count the dead ones. Well, the dead ones. But I mean, alive, if you can assemble 80 people in your family, like, that's enough to, like, have, like, a riot. Yeah, there's still, like, 16 people that didn't show up. Like, what do the 80 do to the 16 that don't show up? You've got to just shame them.

I mean, we had a basketball game out there, and there was, like, 42 people on the basketball court. You were playing basketball? You? All of them. All of them. All of them. How out of breath were you playing basketball, Arturo? What was that like?

Everybody was winded. Everybody fell. It's a lot of zone defense. Exactly. Exactly. Get him. I've got the zone. I'm at the top of the key.

I'm at the elbow, bitch. Oh, my God. That is true, though. There's a bunch of from five to 13-year-olds. There's like 10 of them. They were the ones doing the running, you know? Exactly. Everybody else is just hanging back, waiting.

I bet you were crushing it on that court. The food court. Where's it at? Where's my damn killer horn? Shots fired. Fuck. It's not there tonight. Do you ever, I mean, have you explored just talking about food and stuff and talking about the food that you like?

There it is. There it is right on time. What's your favorite? Nice. That's the key to comedy is timing. Eight minutes later. Go on. What was your question?

What was your favorite? Okay, go on. What's your favorite food What was your favorite? Okay, go on. What's your favorite food? Right now, it's... Everything. Yeah. No, but it's actually lemon Caesar salad. Wait, what?

Yeah. What'd you just say? I said a salad. Lemon Caesar salad. Lemon Caesar salad? That's what you're convincing us that you're eating? No, no. It's because I...

Recently, because I just started dieting, So right now, that's my favorite. I think you should talk about dieting and stuff. Absolutely. Oh, yeah. I have a few. I wonder if culturally, like, also that, like, you are Mexican, yes? Yeah. Is that?

No, you just went down to college. What the fuck are you talking about? Fuck it. He had a layover. He wanted to name it. What's the? He had a layover. He bought Tineo. He had a... You want to name more? San Miguel de Allende.

All right. A group get-together in Oaxaca. Okay. He had a layover via Delta in Cabo. I wonder what your culture would feel about dieting. How is dieting seen in Mexican culture? I don't know. It's just like

it's like a big family, so they just cook in big portions. You know what I mean? So the cards are stacked against you. This is not your fault is what I'm trying to get you to say. I mean, I certainly added to get alone the panels killed They're laughing too hard. The panel's keeled over. The audience is sort of... Nobody's laughing. No, no, no.

Steve Agee just said the name of his first album should be Dead Man Walking. It could also be... There it is. Thank you. Thank you, Jesus. Oh, fuck. Oh, my God. Oh, my God, Arturo.

I love you. I love it. Fuck, yeah. How long have you been doing stand-up? This is your third time on stage. Third time on stage. How come you're not going on stage? I feel like I've seen you here three times, right?

Yeah, I've been coming every Monday. Very good. What do you do the other nights of the week? I'm working. Where do you here three times, right? Yeah, I've been coming every Monday. Very good. What do you do the other nights of the week? I'm working. Where do you work? At Anaheim. It's a factory. We assemble circuit boards.

I'm also going to school. I'm about to graduate with my bachelor's there. So once I'm done with that, I'll be coming out here a lot more. What are you getting your degree in? In visual communications or graphic design. Graphic design. I love that he's getting a degree. He's working at a factory.

He's only done, like Tony's trying to figure out a way that he's acting like Mexican lazy. He's like, you've only been here like three times? What are you, lazy? Yeah. When you said your grandma had Parkinson's I thought you were going to do a joke about how Mexicans love park. Like, all right, forget it.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, God, no. That fucking scared the shit out of me. Oh, Jesus. No. That's how they start off all of his family reunions. Yeah. So he felt right at home. Just around midnight. I start off every basketball game. Oh, shit. Arturo, does anything crazy ever happen at these family reunions?

I mean, you had a basketball game, and so. Yeah, well, like, my uncle got really mad at my cousin Jacob and stuff, but he's only, like, seven. You have a cousin named Jacob? Yeah. They have white parents. What is he, the lawyer?

Yeah. He's only, like, seven, but my uncle got really mad at him and was, like, cussing him out because he didn't pass the ball. It's like, uncle, he's seven. Like, you know what I mean? Like, let him...

Pass the ball. He's gotta learn. Exactly, but... Wow, didn't pass the ball. How old's he's seven like you know what i mean like let him pass the ball he's gotta learn exactly but wow didn't pass the ball how old's the uncle that got yelled at him like wow we just keep setting you up for these things we don't even need comedians tonight on this uh we could we could have just sat here and pretended like there was people here all right what would we do for the chubby mexican man all right arturo um i love your fucking style please do more stand up comedy keep it going man

you gotta do spots outside of here the more you do it the more comfortable you'll get you're an interesting dude and there's stuff that's in your life that is not in anybody's life so mind that shit yeah right a lot

there you go he's Arturo H. He's on Twitter at Artie Hughes, H-U-E-S. A-R-T-I-E-H-U-E-S. Arturo H. Arturo, what's your real last name?

Jesus Christ. Go with the H. Arturo H, everybody, forever. You will always be able to find him as Arturo H. Dead man guacking, you've got to be kidding me. Oh, my God. It could also be my album title. Off the Walrus?

Yes. Off the Walrus! Or another brick in the walrus would be maybe even better alright your next comedian pulled out of the bucket goes by the name of Justin Cole how's it going

I recently moved here from New York How's it going? I recently moved here from New York, and I don't know if I've been changing a lot or if I've been discovering new things about myself. Like, I never thought I was racist until I started using Uber. And let me start off with saying that I like women, I like Asian people too, but there are a few things that make me more uncomfortable

than discovering that my Uber driver is both. Wow, I'm eating a dick up here. Yeah. What's Hollywood Bear, please? That was bad. Keep going. When I was in New York, I thought the best part of having a car was the fact that I could get to places in a faster, more convenient way. And then when I moved here, I discovered that's not the case.

The case is that my car is never driven by an Asian woman. And I felt – I feel bad about it because I cancel a lot of trips when I see that an Asian woman is going to be the driver there it is that was a minute wow oh you're going to take this one really you want it okay I'll wait I'll wait

alright it was hard to watch you walk up in Beats by Dre. That was just the beginning of what... Yeah. That's the beginning of where it got hard. What you did was... Because it's like the... Oh, go ahead.

Well, it was the same... But let me just say this. If he did an hour of bad Asian women... Oh, my God. I was thinking the exact same thing. That was the funniest thing you've ever seen in your life. I was thinking the exact same thing. I was thinking the exact same thing. You were at like 46 minutes

when he's doing the same joke in a different way. Have you ever seen Asian women shop for cucumbers? I'm in. I would be like, that would be funnier than Tig's album. I'm telling you right now, he fucking did it. And the special would be called Dead Man Walking, spelled W-O-K-I-N-G. Oh my god.

Justin, very, very interesting style. Do you always go on stage with headphones? I just walk around. Do you sometimes, when you're on stage doing your act, do you ever put on the headphones and listen to better comedy? Whoopsie. Whoopsie.

Whoopsie. He's listening to Arturo H. I do think, number one, you got to speak in the mic. You got to go just deeper in the mic. And you got to take those things off. Only because it makes it seem like, unless that's part of your character. If you came up and you're like, I don't fucking have to do this shit.

I would have loved it if he came up with them still on shouting his set. And then he forgot to take them off. What's going on, guys? She was Asian! What else is in the news? I'm guessing that this is going really good right now. So what else is in the Asian women news? Oh, shit.

To me, that is hilarious because you don't know how the set is going. Right. So you're just assuming that it's great. Right. I am sure that I am killing right now. See by the looks on your faces. No, but I mean,

what we're sort of getting at is like picking one thing and sort of digging into what that thing is about your character did you really have a car in new york yeah you did at one point i did that is you're like the only person i know who had a car in new york like you played it off like it was yeah everybody's got a car no people do not have a car that's where you go to get rid of your fucking car. And you had a car in New York, and you found driving easy in New York. That's what you said on stage. Yeah.

Who are you? I grew up in New York. You grew up in New York? Were you a rich kid? Did you grow up with cash? No, but I came into money when I was younger. When you became Calvin Harris, Vegas DJ? How'd you come into money? Wait, DJ? How'd you come into money?

I actually had an online business and then I just blew it all. You just blew all the money from the online business? That is fascinating. Talk about that shit! What was the... Please tell me the business was buying and selling Asian brides. No, not at all.

What was it? It was a sports memorabilia business. What? Right up here. What was the most expensive thing you ever saw in sports memorabilia? My brother sold like a $65,000 jersey. Whose jersey was it? Sidney Crosby. Oh, really? I thought it was going to be

Nancy Lieberman Klein. That's a specific joke. No one gives a shit. I don't give a shit. I don't give a shit. Female basketball player. Anyway. That's interesting. Like, to me, that's so much more interesting than just taking a stab at something.

I mean, your life is fascinating. To me, like, having tons of money and then now having nothing and having to do open mic stand-ups, that, immediately when you walk up there and say that, people are like, I'm on this guy's side. This guy's fucking got to claw his way back up there. That, to me, is fascinating. Yeah, totally. When you're not listening to music in a construction zone,

I would definitely recommend writing more about that real stuff. What do you mean you left all the money? What did you do? Did you blow it on what? You blew it on what? I blew it on having a car in the city in a really stupid apartment. Wow. For real?

Yeah. How much was your apartment? $3,700 a month. Ooh. Nice. That's really, actually, in New York, that's not that much. That's not a lot.

It's like a studio apartment in New York City. Where was it in New York? 33rd and 9th, right behind the garden. Yeah. Yeah. Right over there by the New Yorkerrd and 9th right behind the garden yeah yeah how long you been doing stand-up 60 seconds really that was your first time on stage yes there you go how about that and I got great whatever that was I love Rangers That was a Sidney Crosby organ. I got like extremely nervous,

so I drank probably too much. Oh, you got nervous during that? Maybe 15 seconds in when you gave up and asked for the bear? No, like. Really? You got a little nervous, pal?

That fooled us. That fooled us. Today when I woke up and I decided I was going to do it, I've been nervous the whole day. I'm so psyched for you that you did it. I mean, it's like,

it's got to be easier than blowing all your money. No. It's not easier than blowing all your money. No. It's not easier than blowing all your money? No, not at all. Come on, the day when you went to the bank and they were like, you got nothing. This is better than that. You know when you're losing the money.

It's not a movie where you walk into the bank, where's my millions? Do you get statements once a month? Well, but I imagine this guy was driving around his car and enjoying his $3,700 apartment. He doesn't have time for statements. It's going to sound crazy, but for a first time, I really don't think that was that bad. The jokes clearly aren't written that well, but you had pretty good timing. You had really good beats, mostly the ones that are around your neck right now. Most of them were by Dre.

By Dre. I was going to take them off, but I figured it was a cop out. You should always have them on. Cop out? Yeah, because I always have them on, and I knew you guys would just like kill me for it. But unless it becomes your thing. What he was saying is like it's a really funny thing. Yeah.

If you can try that, it'd be funny. That's a gamble. Yeah, it's a gamble. That's a gamble. Yeah, yeah. It's a gamble. But like it also like, you know, those are expensive. What are those like? 300 bucks. My brother actually gave them to me. What are they like? I think something. I mean, those are expensive headphones like they they're a part of your old life.

Your whole life. This is what's left of my business. I haven't done too bad. They're literally the albatross around your neck, reminding you of the old times. So you've resurrected your life since that moment? Well, the reason, I'm a filmmaker, so I kind of gave up my past life

that I was making money, but I wasn't very happy. So you're a filmmaker now. What films have you made? Don't tell me a film that's grossed eight million. No, I did my first feature. Brian actually knows about my first feature. I actually met him at a restaurant, at a bar, eating some meat.

I actually knew his film and everything about him already. It's really cool to see him on stage right now. Do you want to explain? It's a movie where David Deary meets David Cross. What? Wait a minute. Crossing paths.

Crossroads. It's a found footage film that we shot. It's about a bunch of rich socialites that go out for a night of drinking and drugs. They pick up a girl. She overdoses and dies, and they get rid of her body the second half of the film. And it's all shot in first-person point of view and we actually fooled the media into thinking it was an actual it was actually real for two years to the point where we were like reported on by news like the news we had police reports out on characters it was pretty great flick check it out

this is also like interesting to call talk about on stage the upper footage what do you listen to on your headphones? Oh, it's really embarrassing shit. Like what? How embarrassing is it? Great question, because this could be funny. What is it? It's like ranges from Rage Against the Machine to Taylor Swift. That's great. Taylor Swift's album's great.

She's so uplifting. And of course, the Kill Tony podcast. There you go. What's your favorite Taylor Swift song? Because I know them all. I have an eight and nine-year-old daughter. The new one I've been listening to quite a bit more. The new album?

No, Bad Blood. Oh, yeah. Why is your shirt inside out? Is it? Jeez. Oh. Wow. He's really drunk.

He's nervous. No logos. No logos on the Ustream. No logos. I love that you have your headphones on, but your shirt inside out. So at some point, you had to put on your shirt inside out and then put the headphones on top. I don't think he ever takes these headphones off.

I get the feeling that it all just goes over it. First of all, orange, very bold color. I love that, too. And they're not even plugged into anything. They're just plugged into his pocket. Plugged into his dick. Directly into his urethra. I have a question.

Then it's like, Lights out! Gorilla radio! And he's like, oh, my dick! It hurts! Wow, Pat Reagan going for it. Went for it. Went for it from three point range.

I thought, is that Pat Reagan? I thought Zack De La Roca just walked in here. Do you think you're gonna go back on stage again after this? Oh yeah, I'll do it again. Then a big tip, yeah, definitely don't have anything that's gonna be distracting, but talking to the microphone. Because you had the microphone like this, so no one was really hearing what you were even saying anyway. We haven't performed anything in so long. Yeah. What have you performed before this?

I used to act. Used to act? Yeah. Man, real. Not with these headphones. Real hack of all trades you are. Although, how fucking sweet would that be if he did Shakespeare with those things on? It's like, Yorick, Yorick, I knew you.

And it's like, hang on one second. Killing in the name. How long have you lived in LA? Since January. Since January. You watch a lot of stand-up? You strike me as someone who has not. No.

Part of that, and that's not a cut-down, but I do think the the more you watch the more you will see and i and i will say this about uh about the roast battle when when people crush other people it's usually with specificity as opposed to like the broader joke that most people could make and i think if you watch more comedy you might not we're of the mindset that there is value in watching other people do comedy, not to steal them, not to steal what they do, but just to say, okay, there's some,

Maria Bamford's someone I love because she does this. Steve Agee is someone I love because his comedy style is like this. You know, like, you pick people out and say, I love what they're doing because of this. Okay, now what in my life can I sort of capitalize on? That's the way to sort of, the first steps towards doing it

because you're on the early on. I'd also totally commit instead of bailing, just muscle through it. Right. I mean, you came up here with the headphones on. Yeah, that was the first time. I thought that was hilarious, the intensity that you came up here with. I thought that was

great. Yeah. And you said that it'd be a cop-out if you took the headphones off. So you owned the headphones, and then you came up and you bailed out as soon as it didn't feel right. But, you know, I guess maybe you'll get better. Is stand-up something that you really want to do? Yeah, I'm interested in it. I actually came to a couple shows here, and I was like, fuck, that's going to make me really nervous. It's here.

On this show. Right. And I listen to you guys all the time. So I was like, this, that's going to make me really nervous. Where? Here. On this show. Right. And I listen to you guys all the time. So I was like, this is, like, I was really nervous about it. So I was like, this is something I want to try. And then I was kind of like, I come from an athletic background. Like, I played hockey growing up. Jesus, this guy's done everything. I haven't been nervous in, like, so long

about, like, something. And this scared the living shit out of me. So I was kind of like, I want to do it. Like, because I, like, had the butterflies again and, like the living shit out of me. So I was kind of like, I want to do it, because I had the butterflies again and the feeling in my legs. This to me feels like Tony has a Chinese thought. You know what I mean? That thing goes on at any moment. What is up with Chinese women drivers?

Right in there. It came out of that fucking thing. Exactly. It's true. It is true. It's funny. It is true. Justin, Cole, congratulations on your first time on stage.

Good job, buddy. Congratulations. Thank you. He's on Twitter at JustinColeFilm. Go check out his creepy movie that he made. It's cool. Check it out. He can't be that good looking and then do a movie about disposing a woman's body. You can't do that and then mingle at the after party.

The guy in the corner with the headphones on. Fuck yeah, Justin Cole. His first time on stage. Alright, let's get somebody else up here. Your next comedian. I think I know him. Put your hands together for Valentino McCoy

You know what that means No sign from Valentino So that means he just got blacklisted Do you play a diddle or fucking anything over there Pat? Jesus Okay there you go Okay Put your hands together for Gally Krupp play a diddle or fucking anything over there, Pat? Jesus. Okay, there you go. Okay.

Put your hands together for Gally Krupp. Hi, guys. Hi, Tony. So, yes, I actually have a day job. I work in sales. I just do stand-up for the attention. And I figured I'm pretty good at standing, so why not? Actually, last week I had lunch with my boss.

She asked me if I want dessert. I said, no, thank you, I'm full. Then she said, oh, don't be polite. So I said, no, thank you, I'm full, stupid bitch. One of my girlfriends asked me one time, do you think this dress makes me look fat? I said, no, I think it's the cookies. I was walking in Hollywood one night and a 10-year-old child came up to me and said, do you maybe please have some weed? I was

shocked. So polite. I have an atheist friend. She's married to a Jehovah's Witness guy. Now, I see their kids going door to door, but they don't know why. I have a... There you go. Dally Krupp. Crushing it with one-liners. Wearing half of the Ghostbusters outfit.

I like that.busters outfit. I like that. The summer outfit. She ain't afraid of no open mic. Especially for you, Tony. Oh, thank you, Gali. Where are you from? France?

I'm originally from Israel. Israel. Yes. The France of the Middle East. I am... Where in Israel? No one loves the Jews more than the French. I am mixed with French,

so that makes I'm half Jewish, half racist. That's true. There you go. There it is. I thought you were going to say I'm half Jewish and I don't bathe. The racist side is the Jewish side. Yeah, the racist side is the Jewish side. That's right.

You're so interesting. Your phrasing of the kid coming up to you Yeah, the racist side is the Jewish side. That's right. You are, you're so interesting. I'd like, your phrasing of the kid coming up to you was so unique and interesting, and I loved your punchline on that joke. I thought that was your best joke of the thing. All the original stuff. I disagree. What did you like?

I liked her stupid bitch. Stupid bitch is really funny. That was funny, too, but I just think the way your phrasing is very unique because it is, you don't make a big deal out of like English as a second language, which I love. Yeah. You know, it's just you putting your material out and your observations the way I can tell you're funny amongst like your circle of friends and whatnot, too. That's you're bringing. Right.

When you're hanging out with a bunch of Israeli women, you're probably the funniest one. I completely agree with that. Did you have to go to the army? I was in the army for two and a half years. How funny was that? I'm still wearing mine. You're ready to go. You put those headphones on, you can be top gun.

Don't leave. What was the army like? Did you want to be in the army? No, I hated that. No, it was tough. Can you write some comedy about how fucking tough the army is? Yeah, I thought about it, but I was afraid that people would not relate to that. We go through stuff that people are like, huh?

But I would want to hear you talk about it. You have an interesting perspective. I'm like, I don't know what that's like. So I would love to hear somebody explain. You're not trying to get them on board. You're just like, that's fascinating. So unique. Yeah, it's very, very interesting.

You were in the Air Force, you said? Yes. What did you do there? Underground, listening to the enemies. Oh, wow. Were you wearing Jay Beats headphones? We can call it a spy. Really?

You were cracking codes? You were like that movie Windtalkers. Like where they try and do the thing, the wind talk. Remember Windtalkers? No. Remember we wanted to do a movie called Fast Talkers? We just tried to fast talk the codes. Yeah, just do it really quickly.

Just fast talk. Fast talk all the codes. All right. So you would decipher codes? Yeah, just do it really quickly. So you would decipher codes? You would decipher codes? That was part of your thing? If so, could you translate any of the comedy that Justin Cole did tonight?

Was it actually funny? Maybe he killed and we just don't know. Maybe we're the idiots. No, no. She's like absolutely. She's like with all my experience, absolutely not. How long have you been in stand-up?

Seven years. Seven years. You can tell. I was here last night. There's like a comfortability to you. It's really nice. I love your presence on stage. Thank you so much. I'm comfortable. I'm headlining clubs already. Oh, shit. We don't need to tell you anything. No, I'm not saying it just to brag. I'm comfortable. I'm headlining clubs already. Oh, shit. We don't need to tell you anything.

I'm not saying it just to brag. I'm just saying because I've been doing it for a long time. That's very Israeli. In Israel, there's a hand motion that's like when you say one second, you go like this. It's basically this away from this. It's like, wait a second.

And if you don't wait. Then you get this. You get this. Wow. That is, it's, but that's the way Israelis are. But that is, I think you can avoid the stuff about the, I thought the weaker stuff was the stuff about the cookies. Because we kind of have heard like, does this dress make me look fat? I think you had a lot more original stuff in there.

And that stuff may get last when you headline clubs. But I think your best bet is like the original stuff that you're doing yep the the cookies ones definitely predictable totally you know it's common where with everything else it was a surprise and it was genuinely you know they mean to even us for guys who have seen so much I love that I loved how hard I saw us all laughing at the you know you fucking bitch or whatever and the kid thing

just again I'm going to go back to it and just say it's really funny do you have kids or no no I don't do you want kids no I don't you don't that's interesting you don't why don't you want kids it's very common here nobody wants kids anymore that's true I don't even want mine? it's very common here nobody wants kids anymore that's true

I don't even want mine that's the sound of Brian getting a boner everybody hey would you like to do the show he just heard the buzzword kids and he was like

would you like to do the death squad show Friday I would love to have you if you can do it awesome wow there you go Gally Croup everybody

there she goes she did it again Gally Croup's on Twitter at Gally Croup I know what you're I know what you're thinking awesome wow there you go galley group everybody there she goes she did it again galley groups on twitter at galley group I know what you're I know what you're thinking how the fuck would I ever spell that that's g a l i k r o u p galley group

everybody there she goes this is the part of the show where our two regulars go on every single week our two regulars write and perform a brand new fucking minute on this show. This week's going to be no different. Going up first tonight, she dropped out of the University

of Florida after performing her very first minute of stand-up comedy ever here on Kill Tony. Two years later, here she is. Put your hands together for Kimberly Congdon, everyone. Give her a hand. Thank you. I went to visit Florida last week.

I got to see my family. I really like going there because my mom smokes weed with me, so we smoke together, but she gets really high and paranoid. She's not used to it. We were smoking at a barbecue out of a pipe, and a cop drove by really far away, and she started freaking out. She's not used to it. We were smoking at a barbecue out of a pipe and a cop drove by really far away and she started freaking out. She's like, what do I do? Should I put the

pipe in my vagina? And I was like, mom, you've had three kids. The pipe's not staying in your vagina. vagina. I saw my grandpa when I was home. He's getting really old and it makes me sad. I feel like he's going to die soon. And that worries me because he still owes me money. My sister's 13 years old. I decided, I asked her if she wanted to do a one-on-one roast with each other. And I said, I'll go first. I go, Haley plays softball in middle school, which means in high school she'll play with women. And she said, Kim thinks she's a famous comedian, but mom had to help her with money last month. Thank you. Boom. Powerful. I really like that.

You kept it on the family. You really did just go to Florida last week. You missed an episode of Kill Tony, but obviously it's worth it if you're writing new family material. I like that you brought your purse on stage. That shows how little you trust the other comics in this room. Not one fucking

person hold my purse while I go on stage. Are you Jewish or no? No. You're not. Someone should tell your no's. All right, no, no, no. We're not doing that. Jesus.

Old joke. It's not my joke. I'm not doing that. No, just I was, you know, how much money does your grandfather owe you? $36? That's what I thought. That it was like,

I'm going to collect that 18 bucks. Well, I say 50 usually in my joke, but I just didn't say it this time. I like that it's a small amount. Yeah. That's something that you've worked out before in other rooms? I've said that joke once or twice, but since I was talking about my family, I just threw it in to make it a whole minute. So does he really owe you money?

No. Oh. It's something my mom said about my grandpa when I was home. And you're Puerto Rican? I'm Puerto Rican, yeah. And how old is your grandfather? 38. That's a running joke from earlier.

Anyway, remember that, everybody? I'll take a call back, everyone. There he is. Arturo remembers. It was on him. Have you done that joke with your mom in the vagina any different? Because it seems like there's more to it. Like, you know, you

having to keep it in her vagina. You know, the... Vagina. Okay. You deserve that. I'm glad that you can give it to yourself sometimes. can she say that to you uh yeah yeah well yeah she did she did well we were actually out on the boat we were on the boat in the sandbar and she just like she threw it into the river and she was like i was gonna put

it in my vagina and i was like well it wouldn't have stayed i love that you were in a boat like where police like couldn't get to it was it was the Coast Guard. Well, where I live, it's like all we have is water. There's nothing else. Coast Guard sailed by. Yeah, she was super paranoid. That's funny. How much weed did she throw away? Every time we smoke together, she throws the rest of the weed away because she gets paranoid.

Something happens and she panics and tosses it into a fire or eats it. She asked me to eat it three times the whole weekend We the weed she'd be like freaking out and always making it eat the fucking weed That's like a Jewish mom though. Eat the weed. I got you great Your brother eats all of his weed Totally I'd stretch out that stuff if there's more and she really gets that paranoid. I'd stretch it out

and just not make it a joke on her vagina. You know what I mean? Like really make it about what it is. That's true. You do have that bond with your mom

and you guys do do that when you hang out and I think that's more compelling than just a simple vagina joke. I have a question. Why did she start smoking?

Probably because she thinks it's cool. Really? She's that type of person? Yeah, she wants to be really cool. Did question. Why did she start smoking? Probably because she thinks it's cool. Really? She's that type of person? Yeah, she wants to be really cool. Did she ever smoke when she was younger? No, I don't think so. That's amazing.

So you're having this experiment with her. She's so funny. She's 41. Yeah. She came to visit me in college one time, and it was her first time doing a bong rip, and she peed herself in front of my friends. Wow. That's a story.

That's a story. Wow. She couldn't even keep that in her vagina. Kim, good stuff. Kimberly Congdon, another new minute. Follow her on Twitter at Kimberly Congdon. She did it again. Another new minute about her family.

The only other regular everybody does a new minute every single week. Usually takes like a small something, like a bottle of water or mustard or something small, and makes it bigger, like a smaller thing bigger, an inanimate object, and usually makes it, stretches it out to a minute. So that's her style. And here she is, the always goofy stylings of Sarah Weinshank, everybody. And here she is, the always goofy stylings of Sarah Weinschenk, everybody. I was at the grocery store.

I saw some dots. What is that bullshit? In a world of Skittles and Starbursts, how are these dots surviving? Gumdrops? What the fuck is that? What's this Hansel and Gretel bullshit? Life isn't a game of Candyland. There's nothing gum-like about a gumdrop.

Makes no sense. If you give a kid some dots, you're bound to see tears, especially on Halloween. Dots are the second thing that make kids cry after raisins. If you open a box of them, they're all sticking together like New York after 9-11. Wow. Saved the thunder for the end

on the dots. You went away from the dots. You came back to the dots. Strong finish. That's an easy fix. You can start with the dots. You compare it to the Skittles and the this and the that. You lose the Hansel and the Gretel. You move the 9-11 up, and the thing before 9-11 you move up,

and then you have a killer 30 seconds. I'm going to pitch for something else that people get angry. You were saying besides you were saying, besides like the raisins, but besides your parents, like you go into a deep story, your parents fighting and your dad living in a motel for the next six months. Oh yeah, like it gets super dark. Yeah, it gets super dark after like.

Or on Halloween, like when you go into that house and the guy's like, just turn this light off and just hold this right here. The fuck are you talking about? Oh, sorry. That was our, that was a weird memory from my life. I think another thing about Dots that's ridiculous is that it's the

only candy that is fully connected to the paper and you never can pull one off without getting paper on that. Is it connected to paper? Yeah, it's on the fucking paper. No, it's in a box, a yellow box. They stick to each other. Oh, you're on the fucking table. No, it's in a box, a yellow box. They stick to each other. No, no, no.

What are you? Oh, you're talking about something different. Holy shit. Willy Wonka is yelling from the top, everybody. Oh. No. In a box of dots. You get nothing.

Oh, I know what you're talking about now. I know what you're talking about now. The rowers just keep rowing. What was I talking about? They look like you were talking about candy buttons. Yes, okay. But that's some bullshit, too. Did I say the gingerbread house thing?

Asian ladies, lock me up on that bullshit. That's what I meant to say. Due to time restraints, I'm going to tell you this. I love the dots thing. You know where the adjustments are to be made. But I made a promise to this audience earlier that we were going to have a wine shank off. And God damn it, we're going to have a wine shank off. Put your hands together for Allie

Makovsky. Here she is, everybody. Stay there. There you go. All right. She's winded. Give her a second. Give her a second. She had to come from there to here. So much work.

Give her a second. There was one step up on the stage. Allie, what are your thoughts on Dots? Not a sweets type of gal, to be honest. Did I really bring it down with the sweets? Big sweets crowd. You're supposed to be doing the wine shank impression, Allie. Oh, right now.

Okay, got it. Wow, real improv guru over here. Fuck yeah, really rolled shank impression, Allie. Oh, right now. Okay, got it. Wow, real improv guru over here. Fuck yeah, really rolled with that one, Allie. Okay, take two. She's moving to London. Give her a break. Sarah, have you heard Allie's impression of you? I have.

What do you think about it? I heard it once. Oh, shit. It's the dots of impressions. Oh, shit. It's the dots of impressions. Can you do an impression of Ali Makovsky? I haven't heard her talk that much.

Can she talk and then I try? Yeah. What do you want me to talk about? Not a big fan of sweets or anything like that. I'm not a big fan of sweets or anything like that. Not that good. Allie. Allie, will you do your Sarah Weinstein impression? I'm pretty sure that's the entire reason you're on stage right now.

Yeah, I think so. Okay. I just don't like dots. It's like if I'm going to eat dots, I'm just going to have another sweet. It's like is that dessert or breakfast? Didn't work out like I thought it was going to. Allie Makowski, everybody. Put her on the spot.

Put your hands together for Sarah Weinshank, everyone. Another new minute. The dots 9-11 sticking together might be my favorite joke of the night. Fun times. Jamie Vernon. Ryan J.E. Belt. You want to show the picture that you drew tonight? Let's do it. Put your hands together for Ryan J.E. Belt, everybody.

A monster artist. What do we have here tonight? Whoa! Full samurai mode, everybody. Un-fucking- believable. Really, really take a look at this, guys. Everyone's a samurai, and A.G AG still has his glasses on. He looks like samurai, but he looks like samurai accountant.

I will fix the books. The work of Ryan J.E. Belt. He is on Instagram and Twitter at Ryan J.E. Belt. Pat Reagan is Patty Reagan. Josh Martin is at Josh Martin Comic. Follow all the comedians that you saw tonight. Guys, anything coming out that you want to promote? Steve Agee, thank you so much for being here.

Unbelievable. I'll be back here Wednesday on the secret show. Yeah, the secret show, guys. Hey, we got Dan Cook. We have Steve Agee, Tony Hinchcliffe. We have D'Elia. We have a bunch of surprise secret guests. It's Wednesday at 8.30.

Always a bunch of insane secret guests on that show. Sklar Brothers. We have a new series on PBS.org called You're Doing It Wrong. And a thing for Regal Cinema is called The Trailer. So check that out on YouTube. Thank you, everybody. Thank you, live audience. Thank you, Ustream.

Thank you, everybody. Good night. Good night. Hey, wait. We're're gonna take a picture real quick Thank you. you