KILL TONY - KILL TONY #110

Episode Date: August 4, 2015

Al Madrigal, Gasif Mandvi, Sara Weinshenk, Kimberly Congdon, Pat Regan, Tony Hinchcliffe, Josh Martin, Brian Redban - Date: 06/22/2015 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony, which is recorded every Monday for free in the Belly Room at the Comedy Store. Every Tuesday, we have Verbal Violence. If you like that new podcast we do here, they record it every Tuesday night. It's the Roast Battle in the Belly Room. And every Friday, we're at the Ice House in Pasadena, California for our huge Death Squad comedy show. for our huge Death Squad comedy show. This Wednesday, it's my birthday show. We have Joe Rogan, Joey Diaz, Sam Tripley, Tony Hinchcliffe, Dean Delere, Jason Tebow, Kimberly Congdon, Josh Martin, Sarah Weinshank, and a bunch of surprise guests.

That's this Wednesday at the Main Room in the Comedy Store. So please get those tickets. They're going fast. If you want to see a great show, celebrate my little birthday and Joe Comedy Store. So please get those tickets. They're going fast. If you want to see a great show, celebrate my little birthday and Joe's birthday. His birthday is August 11th. So it's a super birthday show. So check it out.

Also check out Tony Hinchcliffe's website, TonyHinchcliffe.com for all his latest tour dates and merch. And ShopSquad.tv is where all the Death Squad merch is. Hats, posters, stickers. We've got cat clocks, T-shirts, everything. So go to ShopSquad.TV is where all the Death Squad merch is. Hats, posters, stickers. We've got cat clocks, t-shirts, everything. So go to ShopSquad.TV.

And last but not least, please subscribe to us on iTunes. Open up iTunes, search for Death Squad, and hit subscribe. Alright, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Redman coming to you live from the world famous comedy store for a brand new episode of Kill Tony, Volume 2. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Hi, everybody. Fuck yeah. Here we are again, everyone.

Another crazy Monday night. Hi, live audience. How again, everyone. Another crazy Monday night. Hi live audience. How are you? Make some noise Monday night. Come on. Hello to the thousands on Ustream watching right now and the hundreds and hundreds on Periscope. Our new friend Periscope with a bunch of random strangers. A special hello and thank you to this live audience who just said to listen to pat reagan

for the last few minutes you're just going for it tonight huh letting it rip yeah baby i love your style put your hands together for pat reagan everybody he's the band leader yeah yeah we got a band used to be a robot now it's a band pat how's everything going good man you know i'm sweating a lot but i have a gland problem you do i've talked about what's that called i don't know what it's called it's called i sweat a lot wow it sounds like one of your songs or something okie dokie uh fuck yeah everyone very excited put your hands together for Ryan J. Ebelt he's the artist of the show

he draws a picture in the time from when we start the episode to the end of the episode of the people on the show and what happened and it's always insane and crazy and unbelievably well done for the short amount of time that he does it what's happening we have some gigs coming up

stand up live in Phoenix in September I'll be in Toronto done for the short amount of time that he does it. What's happening? We have some gigs coming up. Stand Up Live in Phoenix in September. I'll be in Toronto. When are you going to be in Toronto? I'm going to be in Toronto just for laughs, guys. I don't know if I'm allowed to announce that yet, but whoopsie. I just did. And then maybe some other gigs in

Canada that I'm not allowed to talk about maybe just yet. I don't know why I wouldn't be allowed to talk about them. That'd probably mean it's a pretty big deal. So if there's some big deal happening in Canada in the next few months, I'm probably going to be there too. Fuck yeah. You see what I did there?

Just confused everybody. Everybody in this room, but the Canadians right now are like, oh, I know exactly what he's talking about. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Fuck yeah. Let's get it going, shall we? Every week I have two amazing guests on this show. This one, very special.

Very excited to have these two on. Two of my favorite comedians. Two of my favorite correspondents from The Daily Show. Ladies and gentlemen, it's Al Madrigal and Asaf Manvi, everybody. Unbelievable. Awesome. Al Magical. This is exciting.

Fuck yeah, guys. Get on in here. Here they are. Al, this is your second time on the show. Second time. I think I was too nice the first time. Fuck yeah. I love that. We're going to let it rip tonight. Asif, I guess that means you're good cop. It's Asif, yes. Yes.

Thanks for getting it right. Asif, yes. I don't... This is like sort of an American Idol comedy kind of thing, right? Where we just get to be good cop, bad cop. Is that your idea? Sort of. There's no...

No, there's no... There's no winners or losers. Exactly. We just talk to be good cop, bad cop? Sort of. There's no winners or losers. We just talk to them. Sometimes it's constructive criticism. That can be great. Either way, they sign up for it. That's what people tell you when they say that you suck. I said this last time. I can't believe any of you fuckers

subject yourself to this shit. I know this is a good podcast. You wouldn't have signed up for this when you first started comedy? Fuck no. Under no circumstances would I have ever signed up for this. I barely did open mics when I first started out. I fucking hated the entire process. I looked at one guy that we just started in San Francisco

at this place called The Luggage Store, which is like fucking tenderloin, homeless people passed out. And I looked at my buddy, I'm like, what do we need to do to get into comedy clubs? He goes, oh, you call this number every fucking night. I go, I'm just going to do that. And I just started fucking doing that.

And I would never, ever do this in a million years. But good luck. You know, every week, instead of me asking a question, I like to leave it in somebody else's hands to ask our esteemed guests a question. So I always have Pat Reagan, the band leader, do it. Something that he might want to know. Yeah, Pat, what do you

got? Go right ahead, Pat. Alright, well, first for Asif, I have a question. I got this theory, this uneducated theory that recycling is bullshit. And I just want to know, do you think recycling does any good for the planet? I have never recycled a single thing in my life. He burns it in his backyard. I burn things. Yeah, I just create huge bonfires. No, I think recycling is probably a good thing. I would encourage people to recycle.

That's what I would say. Go out and recycle. I never know where the fuck to do it, though. I never see any. In my building, there's no green cans or blue cans what if it just all goes in the same place

all in the here's what I do like so I have about 45 plastic bottles of water empty you know the water bottles

in the back of my car on the floor because I'm waiting to recycle them but I never I don't know where there's a place to do it. So I just drive around L.A.

with like a huge pile of just plastic water bottles. All you got to do is find the nearest old Chinese lady and then just fucking open up your car door and show those scurrying in. See, I'll drink this tonight. Hey, Pat, why don't you stick to fucking playing songs and not asking shit questions? That was the worst.

That question fucking sucked. I totally agree with you, Al. That was the worst fucking question I've ever heard. Pat Reagan from Three Point Range. Pretty fitting that it was a recycling joke because that joke was garbage. Son of a bitch. That was unrecyclable garbage. And you better hope you have a better

question for Mr. Magical. First of all, I'm glad he knew the difference. You know that we get confused for each other constantly? On the day, like, any time I'm off doing something, there's a U.S. News & World Report article. Asif Manvi was

in Virginia today, and it's fucking just a picture of him, and I was there. And it's so... Like, you have a beard. It's so... You know what I mean? We completely look different. You have glasses. Beard, hair.

You have hair. You know, you... You do have excellent taste in shirts. Yeah. You guys are both brown. Wait, what? Yeah. Do you think that's the reason why?

I think so. It's just a shade of brown. I've even been mistaken for Wyatt at times in New York. He's a black guy. Actually, he's the black guy on the show. Or was, was on the show. But, you know, Wyatt had a huge afro and, like, a long beard. And it was like I would get mistaken for him all the show. Or was. Was on the show. But you know, Wyatt had a huge afro and like a long beard. And it was like, I would

get mistaken for him all the time. I think white people panic when they see brown people and they don't know what would happen. I think what happens, here's what happens. They see you. They know that you're not me. But I'm the name they come up with in their head.

So they're like, You're Wyatt! They just I'm the name they come up with in their head. So they pat, they're like, you're Wyatt Osip. They just throw out a name of one of the brown guys hoping that it will land. Don't you think? I just, anytime somebody comes up to me and says, Osip, love your stuff. You say, fuck you, you Osip.

No, I do. I go, fuck you. And I walk away. I'm like, ah. I did that once. I'm glad you know the difference between us. But what is your question for me now? OK, Al.

Al, and I don't want to come at you from a place of hostility. No, you shouldn't. Because that would be a huge fucking mistake. I know. I know. I don't want this. I don't want this. Now, you're a San Francisco comic.

Are you not? Did I hear that the last time? No. I'm from the Bay. But I didn't start in the Bay. I started down here. Another fucking mistake. Go ahead.

I don't want you to make fun of me all night. I won't. Okay. Anyways, so I have this long-standing... That was the most pathetic thing I've ever heard. He gets shit on a lot on this show. I really don't want you to make fun of me all night. I have this longstanding. That was the most pathetic thing I've ever heard. He gets shit on a lot on this show. I really don't want you to make fun of me all the way.

I joined the show with so much, like, so much. I had such a high. I held myself in such a high regard. You held yourself in high regard. Is that what you just said? See, but now everything I say is now being. And he doesn't want us to make fun of him all night. I didn't.

Okay. You know you're on stage with a guitar, though, right? You know you're talking right now, right? You know that. Okay. Yeah, all right. Okay, so... This is my favorite thing, by the way.

He totally did. He became the new band leader about eight or nine weeks ago, and I just watched him... Where's the band? There's no band. Why are you calling him... He's a guy with a guitar i told him i told him he could

do whatever he wanted he could have any of his bandmates with him and he just he just soaks it all in for himself you can't call yourself a band leader and you're just sitting there with a guitar that's that's tony calls me a band leader but you're you're right you're right i won't even give you that we're not the first people to shit on that. Oh, no, but that's exactly what I was getting at. Over the last eight or nine weeks, I've gotten to watch him get slowly drained of every ounce of confidence that he has. By super experienced

comedians. Right, just people that he totally looks up to. He wants you guys to like him so much, and every other guest that I've had on over the last eight weeks, and they just lay into him. You seem like a nice guy. what's your question for all right so this is a very ignorant perspective but i feel like uh all the money to charities just goes to lining the people who run charities pockets that's true you think charities are bullshit uh a lot of them are a lot of them

are a lot of people are lining their pockets, but they're also lining themselves with the feeling of basically self-worth. I watch all these. Look, charities do an amazing amount of stuff. It's ridiculous. You can't shit on charities. You just did. You just shit on charities a second ago. I know that Wyclef John or whatever the fuck his name is,

do you look into that charity? Look into a lot of celebrities with charities that take all the money and use it on private planes? Yeah, a lot of them are fucking shit. And yeah, so if you want to answer the question. Michael Vick's charity. Michael Vick's charity? I know nothing about. I'm pretty sure Pat's asking this question because his new career is having a charity for the career that he was going to have before.

Why these questions? Why the recycling and the charity questions? I'm in a very cynical – Two horrible questions. I'm in a cynical spot, like place. So I'm just like thinking that everything – Everything that's good. If you scratch the surface surface it's just like

darkness under everything security recycling anything that like people say like oh they want to save the planet but there's

you're not gonna you know kill yourself if you want to save the planet now Henry Phillips already exists you can't be a fucking depressed guitar comic

you are a guitar comic I'm a musician you're a musician you sound like depressed guitar comic. You are a guitar comic. I'm a musician. You're a musician? You sound like a guitar comic. No, I'm a musician. You're a guitar comic. You're a comedian who uses the guitar because your jokes aren't that funny. No, because I've written songs all my life.

I'm a musician, dude. Whoa, he just dooted you. Wait a second. He's dooting everybody. Because I've written songs all my life. I'm a musician, dude. Whoa, he just doodied you. We have a dude. Wait a second. He's doodying everybody. For those of you paying attention, there was a dude fired off. And Pat Reagan is the one doodying.

I'm sorry. I was half paying attention to Beck. I just heard a shitload of the Steadasonic fucking callbacks. All these experienced comics come up and shit on me for playing guitar, but it's like that's what I do is I write songs. We know. Songwriter. I'm up here. All right.

I don't know, Al. I don't know, man. I don't know. You duded tonight. Just know that before we move on right now, which is about to happen right now, just know you duded here tonight. I'm just trying to get in shape for whatever comics come up. So that's all I'm doing, Pat.

No offense. You seem like you're a very talented guy. He is. He's incredible. He's very nice and charming. He's just not showing any of it right now tonight. But most other nights. He's just not as a musician.

I think with other band leaders, you just, like other band leaders, you just got to laugh. Look how upset he's getting. He's furious. I've never seen him like this. He's biting his lip You just gotta laugh Go ha ha ha Yeah no the fake like laugh

Yeah yeah just do that Can you do that? Yeah I can do that Do it That's good Pretty good That's all we fucking want out of you That's all we want

That's all we need So good And then pick somebody else to ask questions That's why he's my band leader Just laugh again Yeah there you go Nice There it is That's it And he can play a chord That's all he's my band leader. Just laugh again. Laugh. Yeah, there you go. Nice. There it is.

That's it. And he can play a chord. That's all you got to do. I feel like we could destroy Pat Reagan all night. Let's bring out the comedians. Instead, let's do that. Over 30 comedians signed up for the opportunity to do 60 seconds of stage time here tonight. This bucket is filled with pieces of paper with new, young, or old, just starting

anything. It's always crazy. Comedians, you know your 60 seconds is up when you hear that sound of a kitty. Aww. That's adorable. That means wrap it up then or I'm sure going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. There you go. Wow.

There you go. They wonder why the speaker system's broken every week here. It's because of three seconds of bear roar. Anyway, we're going to have a lot of fun. Let's get this thing started. Are you guys ready? It's Kill Tony 111 or something like that, something insanely ridiculous.

Here we go, everybody. Your first comedian tonight goes by the name of Cameron Bre insanely ridiculous. Here we go, everybody. Your first comedian tonight goes by the name of Cameron Brexler. Here we go. How was your Father's Day, everybody? Father's Day's kind of tough, though, right? I mean, my dad wasn't around and

left my mom. She's single with, like, three hot babies. There was no, like, online dating back then when I grew up. And she ended up marrying a Jehovah's Witness. I was like, I know it's hard to find a man, but did you have to marry the first guy that knocked on your door? At least wait for a salesman. Let's get some Encyclopedia Britannicas or something. Terrible. Yeah, but I was just grateful. Grateful to have a dad. I don't care if it's a stepdad. As

soon as he came in, I was like, dad. He's like, Dale. All right. Dale was cool. He was one of those guys that used to tan with a shirt on, you know? But then he would wear not button-ups, button-downs so you could see his redneck. All right. Thanks. Here we go. There you go.

That was his time, Cameron Braxler. Thank you. Thank you. How magical. You certainly got all the beats down. So what made you want to become a stand-up comic? It's just an exercise. An exercise. Exactly.

That's what I thought. So... No, it's not? No, I like comedy. Oh, yeah, yeah, thought. So. No, it's not. No, I like comedy. Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever. So. How do you have a commercial agent? Yeah.

Yeah, that's what I thought. So, listen, just because that's fucking working out. No. Trust me. This is the worst part about stand-up comedy in L.A., as far as I'm concerned. People who can't do that well decide that this is something that they can do for a career,

and that people will notice them if they fucking start doing stand-up, and it fucking kills me. And so I appreciate that you have the fucking beats and the tempo down uh but this is the fucking one of the worst parts about la and stand-up um is having to watch guys like you fucking with their boots and their nice jeans fucking come up and do what people have decided that their life's calling is not. I have it in my act. It's a line in my act. What my life's calling is somebody else's

fucking last resort. And that's not the case. So I appreciate that you got the fucking beats down, but fucking beat it. Unbelievable. Perhaps one of my favorite feedbacks ever on this show.

Hundreds of episodes. Happy Father's Day. Anything else? Cameron. I liked it. I think you have a future. I think you're very good looking, which helps. And you're white and good looking.

So life is going to be fine for you. You don't need to do this. You're going to be fucking fine. It doesn't matter what you do. You're going to come out on top. He's just trying to balance me out. No, no, no. I'm just saying.

This guy doesn't need to do comedy. You don't need to do stand-up. You're a handsome white man. That can act. Are you straight? Quit taking ugly comic stage time. You're a handsome, straight white man. That's what I want.

You're going to be totally fine. I just haven't met the right man yet, you know? So you do some acting. Are you an actor? Be good at that. Just do that. You'd play a great Dexter if I wanted him to kill himself. Like Dexter that just kills himself each episode.

I'd watch that. He's a good actor. You just acted like a stand-up comic. Great job. It's very frustrating. You guys can come up here. It's great. I don't know why I said it. I referenced the whole thing. I don't know why you'd fucking do this to yourself.

I applaud you for getting up here. Thank you. See you later. Fuck Cameron. How long have you been doing stand-up? Too long to admit to this crowd. Howup? Too long to admit to this crowd. How long? Too long to admit to this crowd.

The real answer. What's the fucking real answer? The audience, no. It's been like seven years. Seven years? Oh, you're terrible. No, it's not the grind like you, sir. Seven years. I can't fucking take it anymore.

See you later. Bye. Cameron Brexler, everybody. There he goes. There he goes. It is frustrating, isn't it, Al? I don't like it. I don't like the fucking actor turned stand-up.

You're right. No stand-up still. Other way around. That's fine. This is the fucking greatest. This is a war zone. To each his own. Do whatever you want to do. Fucking, ugh.

Now I'm just hoping everybody bombs all night. So that I can watch more of that. That's amazing. Put your hands together for Sean Hart, everyone. Here we go. Sean Hart. Thank you so much. I tried fucking a trapezoid the other day,

but I couldn't get an angle on it at the time. It was really embarrassing. I was at a geometry orgy. There were parallelograms and rhombuses and trapezoids, but no one was fucking, what a bunch of squares! Am I right? What a... Embarrassing.

I tried... Let's see. You guys into Suicide Girls at all by round of happy applause? Anybody like Suicide Girls? Yes! Yes, wonderful. Nothing more punk rock than really well-lit softcore pornography. I'm endeavoring to become a pornographer myself. I'm going to start a site with nothing but Jewish and Armenian girls. I'm calling it Genocide Girls.

Is anyone going to subscribe to my website? No, no one will. You think punk rock tattoos are hot? Where do you see the state-issue tattoos that my girls have? Yes. I just flew into town and, boy, are my arms tired because I had to strangle a baby the entire flight. Anyone else ever have to mercilessly just...

What's the deal with airplane food? It's always crying and screaming for its mother. I ate the child, everyone. That's what I'm trying to say. Okay, thank you. Wow. One of the first people to ever do six minutes in one minute. Yeah, I know.

Man. I just don't... I mean, you went geometry and genocide. Yes. That's, I don't, I mean, huh? You're the good guy. I'm the good guy. That was brave of you. That was a brave choice to go not funny.

Right? I think that was brave. Get up here. It go not funny. Right? I think that was brave. Get up here, it's not easy. And to, you know, dress the way you dress. And what is this? I'm wondering if it's the whole package thing. Yeah, it's really interesting. Not a lot of people purposefully dress like a school shooter.

But you've really pulled it off here tonight. Like, there's got to be some guns in those pockets, right? That's the only time a white kid wraps a black hoodie around his waist. Al, you're... No, it's Monday night. I don't think anybody should be looking too slick coming in this place. That was a problem with the fucking first guy. But now the pendulum may have swung in the other

direction. Yeah, a little bit. That's fine. I saw you sitting in the back with that other guy listening to some music. What was that about? He's a musician and I am too. I was just listening to some stuff he made. Jesus. Is just everybody a musician? Everyone's just basically... Who here wants to

be a stand-up comedian? Is that... Is that anybody? So tell me about music. How's that going? It's going pretty good. I'm in a comedy band. We tour a lot. What's that called?

Tartar Control. Oh, that's funny. Like a toothpaste. Yeah. Tartar control. Oh, that's funny. Like a toothpaste. Yeah.

And then do any of you purposely not get laughs? Is that your thing? You're just going to go... No, I've seen it happen. It's a device that a lot of people use. And so you're going to... Wait, comics use the... Yeah. So you intentionally are trying to...

Sometimes it starts a little awkward at first. I don't mean to mock stand-up, but it starts awkward usually, as it just did now, as you can see. Yeah, no, one minute. Again, I'm going to say it one more time. One minute, impossible. Did I tell this story last time I was here when the guy gave us three minutes and I told him to go fuck himself?

Yeah. Yeah, so wouldn't even do three, don't know how you're doing this, but balls for everybody to do this, great. So, but you just in general, that's how you typically would start a set? I tend to feel nervous initially, so I feel like it's good to exhibit it. Yeah, but you seem like you're a funny guy, and your band, whatever, you're a funny guy, right? You sort of look like this emaciated Mike Horowitz.

Like, right? And so... How long have you been playing pizza? I just don't think he should start with the geometry. No, I know. I think that's just too much to think about right off the top. It was also your tempo, man. Like, right now you're talking normal. No, of course. I was trying to push off the top. It was also your tempo, man. Like, right now you're talking normal.

No, of course. I was trying to push everything for time. I was just trying to cram. Don't ever do that because that just made it awkward. We all got coke buzz. Yeah, anybody could do that at any point. You could take an hour-long set and do a half an hour, and if nobody understands what the fuck you're saying in a half an hour,

then it's not worth it. What I'm trying to gauge, guys, is it does go well for you sometimes. Yes. Occasionally. All right. What's your percentage of having great sets? 75, I'd say. 75% of your sets are great sets.

Great sets. 75%. I'd say that's a high ratio for anybody, but you're going 75% great? Okay. How much is good? 90%? 95? I'd say that's a high ratio for anybody, but you're going 75% great? Okay. How much is good? 90%, 95? What's your definition of great?

Everybody has a really good time. Setting the bar low. Okay, so they could be drunk. Is anyone seeing him out doing spots? Sean, I didn't recognize you. Because when you perform in tire control, what do you guys wear? Ties. Ties.

Yeah, that's it. Crazy disguise. There's a robot and they scream. There's a robot and they scream. Do I smell a musician rivalry over here? Uh-oh. Wow. Throwing them under the tour bus. Would you consider what you do singing?

Yeah, I sing. You sing, but Pat thinks you scream. Oh, my buddy screams. He and I do the singing. It's like punk, but with electronic beats with a robot on stage. And then would you prefer that that went well? Like if you could, Tartar Control took off, and what do you care about more, Tartar Control or your stand-up career? Good question. I feel like it's all the same thing. I'm pretty sure it's Tartar Control took off. What do you care about more, Tartar Control or your stand-up career?

Good question. I feel like it's all the same thing. I'm pretty sure it's Tartar Control. I do a lot of different kind of performances. But the one that's always sucked, as you may have seen, is the stand-up, which is why I've worked on it for so long. How long? Long time, like 13 years now.

Wow. Yeah. You see what it's like. But see, what happens with a lot of us, and everybody else can take this note, is distracted by so many things that you could never be good at stand-up. And so if you don't focus on it, then it's never going to come to fruition, pal. That's true. Yep.

There you go. Sean Hart. Thanks for being nice, guys. Thank you. He's on Twitter. It's Sean Anthony Hart. Cameron Brexler is Brex AFX there you go

a guy who's been doing stand up 13 years everyone the guy before him has been doing it 7 years crazy that's what I love

about this show is somebody that's been doing it for 2 weeks is about to come up here and murder right now well it happens every fucking week and I feel so bad

for the guys that go on before but they've been doing so much other shit they're so distracted that they haven't really been doing it. And somebody who has been doing it for a year and a half has done more stand-up than both those guys combined, I'm sure. There you go. Motherfuckers.

Do I see my... Who's next? Ooh, somebody wrote their name down with green ink. That's always a little bit foreshadowing of always something interesting. When people don't use a normal pen, that's one of the things I've learned from this sign-a-piece-of-paper thing. And that's crayon. Yeah, it's basically fucking crayon. This is a first.

Put your hands together for Tom Howard, everyone. Oh, he knew it was him. He knew he has the green crayon. Give some little warning. Tom Howard, everyone. So I'm trying to decide whether or not I like my friends. I was walking down the street with a buddy of mine, and this very attractive girl walks by us. And not even five feet when she walks past, he nudges me in the arm and goes,

I'm a ruined dat pussy. And he keeps walking. Now, two things. One, it's completely disrespectful. And the other, why would you want to ruin a pussy? Now, two things. One, it's completely disrespectful. And the other, why would you want to ruin a pussy? Why would that be your goal in life? Like it brings joy and happiness to millions of men.

Why would you do that? You know what happens to a pussy when you ruin it? It becomes a vagina. And nobody wants a vagina. That's for like popping out kids and disappointing husbands after 12 years of marriage. So, I haven't got laid in a while.

It's been about one week. Not one week the numerical value since the song One Week by the Barenaked Ladies came out. I don't know what to say. I really like the one week joke. Didn't get a laugh from anyone, but I would have laughed if I was a human being in the audience.

The vagina joke was good also. I saw what you were getting at. Too bad there's not a word that you could use that sounds more sicker or textbook style. Yeah, I was going to say, go find a different word. Not vagina. Clitoris? Huh?

Well, no, I don't know if you know this, Tom. I know it's been a while. But let me tell you, the clitoris isn't actually a word for the vagina. It's heart. That's the pussy boner. Oh. It's a different area completely, Tom. There's hard. That's the pussy boner. It's a different area completely, Tom. There's a reason why

you haven't gotten laid. It's going to be the first time where a comedian learns about the birds and the bees after a second. Can we back up to talk about what we are you a musician? No. Are you an actor? Commercial actor? I'm a stand-up comic. You're a stand-up comic.

There's our first one. A big round of applause for the stand-up comedian, ladies and gentlemen. He looks like a stand-up comic. You're a stand-up comic. Big round of applause for the stand-up comedian, ladies and gentlemen. He looks like a stand-up. He dresses like a stand-up. He acts like a stand-up. He has material like a stand-up. This is an actual stand-up comic, ladies and gentlemen. It's amazing. And we still think you should quit.

Well, it's very interesting with that first joke. Dave Chappelle does a very similar joke about 50 Cent beat that pussy up. And you should watch that and see what he does with it. Pretty fucking amazing. Yeah, because he's Dave Chappelle. Yeah. But, like, that just will sort of show you where you could take that premise, don't you think?

Because you watch what he did with it. don't you think? Because you watch what he did with it. Also, Joe Rogan had one using a dick instead of a dick and a penis. No one wants to suck a penis. Same kind of thing, though, I guess. Yeah. And you're going to find that most stuff has been done.

But did your friend really say that, or did you write that? I used to belong to a frat. I had a lot of friends who said that. So that's really funny. Where was the frat at? OSU. Ohio State.

Oh, wow. We're on the West Coast. I know that means different things out here. Oh, wow. No, it's great. So I would go with very specific stuff about the fraternity and stuff like that that you would maybe – other people would have a hard time writing that did not go to Ohio State and belong to that fraternity. So that might be your first place.

Write down all of that shit and start. So you're basically saying just telling them just don't do Dave Chappelle jokes. I'm saying that really, really, really write from a place that no one else can and that's very specific to you

and start there and then everything will work. But when you write, Tom, don't write with a place that no one else can and that's very specific to you and start there and then everything will work. But when you write, Tom, don't write with a green crayon. Do you think one of the reasons why you don't get laid is because when you're signing a check on a date, you pull out a green crayon? What's the deal with it? What's the story with the green?

Well, I just stole a pen off my roommate's table. I think the reason I don't get laid is I'm usually out the door my roommate's table. Oh. It's rushing here. Interesting. I think the reason I don't get laid is I'm usually out the door as the check comes. Out the door. Yeah. Gotcha. Just falling flat at every turn.

Really? Of course. You think that... No, it's best in this case. You think the clit is the vagina. I mean, obviously, you have no idea how to please a woman. When this is happening, if any of the other comics come up here, and don't try to make jokes at this stage.

Just answer the fucking questions, and everything will be fine. So just answer the questions. So you've been doing it for how long? October. Since October. Nine months. I mean, big round of applause. Yeah.

I think, and again, I don't care if I offend him, better than the other two combined just because this is it. Now, you're out here. Where do you live? What are you trying to do? You're coming here every night? Where are you going and doing spots? Yeah, I'm trying to get out every night.

I got work. And how many spots are you doing like a week? I do about two on average, so probably like ten a week. Ten a week, yeah. Oh, ten a week. Two a night. Like trying to do two a night, but it's mostly at places like Sal's where I'm not really can't judge the responses.

Where are you working? How are you making money? We're at Home Depot in Sunset. Oh, interesting. That's got to be worth some material, right? Yeah. That really is. That's great.

A frat guy. You have a college education from Ohio State, and you work at a Home Depot? Yes. That, I mean, that's all my material. That's like a half hour worth of shit. What do you do at the Home Depot? I sell doors. Wow.

This is getting better and better. It's just like you don't ever have to use the word vagina in your in your act like you've got all this great material just in your life especially since you know

a lot more about doors than you do vaginas right exactly I think that was productive yeah do you have any questions for us

no seriously do you guys how do you feel about the new host of the daily show oh I'm about to stand up I don't know what the fuck are you we're gonna talk about How do you feel about the new host of The Daily Show? I'm about to stand up. What the fuck are you working on? News week?

I don't understand. Anything about my delivery you think I should work on beyond just the material itself? Oh, that's just going to take you. I do have a problem with your delivery. I ordered a door about three weeks ago. I do have a problem with your delivery. I ordered a door about three weeks ago. And I moved. And I'm waiting for...

Nice. I think that's our closer. Good night. Thank you. Tom Howard, everybody. See, people can do good. And they're new. We had a girl on last week that had only done it seven times. Ever. and she fucking

murdered like 10 punchlines in 60 seconds without rushing anything. It can happen and maybe this person will do it. This looks like a new name. Put your hands together for Kayla Crawford. Kayla Crawford, everybody. Uh-oh. No, not a girl.

Kayla Crawford. You know what that means. She just got blacklisted. There it is. Good job, Pat. She's done. Is she not here? But he does. The end of show business for you.

Put your hands together for William Larkin. Have you seen William Larkin before? Oh, from the middle of the audience. William Larkin. Can I stop you before you even start? Wow. Wow. I love this.

No, this is what I'm fucking talking about. What else is he going to do? Like, this is the same. No, it's the same way I feel about myself. I love it. I love him already. I don't care what the fuck comes out of him. It's because he's wearing the same shirt as you.

Yeah. That's a little bit of it. That's why. You're going to be disappointed. No, don't say that. All right. Here we go. Let's give it up for William Larkin, everybody.

So I just got a dog, a puppy, and the drive home's a lot like getting married, you know? You got a puppy. I'm wondering, is this really worth it? Is this the one? Thought monogamy was a religious thing. In the olden days, people used to have sex with lots of puppies. He's a boy dog,

and when I live with my parents, if you had a girl, you want to give her a belly rub? Just go to town on her. You know, no big deal. Got to be a little bit more careful with the boy dog. There's a fine line between a belly rub and a hand job. You know what I'm saying? So I haven't given him one yet, but his birthday is coming up. So we will see on that one.

Yep. Told you it was going to be good. Didn't write the jokes on my hand because that would be unprofessional. Anyways, whenever you have a dog, he chooses who he loves more, the mom or the dad, right? But we don't know who he loves more because he cuddles with my wife more, but he humps me more. So I don't know. Am I just a booty caller or is there something more here? I don't know.

And that's... Yes! Fuck yeah, William Larkin. What did I say? Al Madrigal really won that set. You stole that set from him with your amazing dead-on prediction. I love how Al's like, you know what? I was too nice last time I was on the show.

And then all of a sudden, 100 episodes in, you're the first comedian ever to just give the complete nod of approval before a word comes out of his mouth. Because look at this. It's his instincts. And you were right. But you look like the, I mean, did everybody see the, he molested dogs? Isn't that funny? Doesn't he look like he molested dogs. Isn't that funny? Doesn't he look like he molested dogs? Yeah.

It's perfect. It's the perfect act for you. No advice from a guy doing it perfectly. William, where are you from? Phoenix, Arizona. Yeah. How long have you been doing stand-up? Almost a year.

Perfect. This is who we like. Creepy guys. What else? You do acting or music or anything? No, I do neither of those things. Yeah. There you go. Take some acting classes. Yeah, I'd cast you.

I'm not saying no. Here's the thing. I think you're onto something there. I would suggest you take an acting class. As an actor myself, I feel like it would help you. I think your material is funny. I think you could project a little bit. Okay.

And you could make a little bit more eye contact. Yeah. And you could have a little bit more of a stage presence. I love him just as weird as he is right now. No, I think he'll still be weird. He'll still be weird. The craziest part about your set, you have a wife?

You do? That was the most surprising part of the whole thing. Is she here? When you said you had a wife. I didn't know they allowed giant 12-year-olds to get married. How old are you?

I shaved last night, okay? Because I heard that if you have a beard, it makes you less trust. You know, people don't trust you as much. No offense, Al. You didn't start in Phoenix? No, I started in Phoenix. Oh, where? At Santa Blanca?

The Comedy Spot was my first show. And did Dan Murs dead? Huh? Did you hear about that? I did not hear about that. Do you know who that was? I don't even know Dan. Oh, okay.

I feel like in spirit, maybe, but... That's crazy. I like his honesty. I like his just, like, complete honesty. Why are you licking your lips? That's kind of freaky. No, because he's super creepy! He's a giant baby.

He wants his pacifier. Come on! Let him lick his fucking baby lips. My lips are dry. Enough with the beard. Sure, we believe you shaved your beard. Whatever, 13-year-old. We get it. You got a beard. You're 23?

Yeah, I'm 23. Another perfect thing about it, like, it's just, this is the guy that we need to be seeing around here more often. Like, this is a stand-up comic, ladies and gentlemen. He's a little weird.

There's nothing else he can do. He's not trying to do it for any other reason. Do you have another job? I do have another job. What do you do? Video store. I did work at a video store, but I work in a lab. Thank you.

I work in a lab. You work in a lab? Yes, I do. What kind of lab? Pathology. Super boring. So boring. Sold my soul because I need money.

What do you do at the lab? I'm a PA, so I open specimens and dissect people's gallbladders and shit. That's great stuff, though. Yes. It gets better and fucking better for this guy. I'm telling you, Pat, do you see what I'm talking about? Does it make any sense to anybody else here? Like, this is not...

He's not handsome. He's not well put together. He's goofy as all shit, and he works in a fucking lab. He's like a young Bill Murray. Yeah, exactly. I'm telling you, I would... Do you have an agent or a manager? No.

Well, you do now, kid. Welcome to show business. Hollywood, see? You will in no time. Good luck to you. Keep doing. How many spots are you doing a week? Shit, not many, to be honest.

When I first started, I did a lot, and then work changed my hours. We have a little clip of William Larkin's stand-up special. There it is. William Larkin, stand-up special. There it is. William Larkin. He's a giant baby. How did you get that? That sounds just like me. Yeah.

How long have you been married for? Less than a year. Where's the ring? I don't wear it. Oh. More material, everybody. Hey, boy. Here we go.

Why don't you wear it? Because it's uncomfortable. Because you like to get a lot of hair? I'm not getting any side action. Look at me. Road chicks. Huh? No. Does your wife wear of hair? I'm not getting any side action. Look at me. Road chicks. Huh? No.

Does your wife wear her ring? She wears it every day, yeah. What does she do? She's the school teacher that started fucking him and made him marry her. I wish. I'm still convinced he's 12. What does your wife do? She's not bullying me.

She's a CNA. She works with kids with cancer. Look at you two. Just a couple fucking heroes. Does she look like a big baby too? She's pretty chubby in the face. You guys go to sleep together? Put each other in the crib?

Did you just say your wife has a moon face? No. No, no, no. I didn't say that. She's a shovel head. What did you say? You said she's chubby in the face. No. She's a shovelhead. What did you say? You said she's chubby in the face. She's the most beautiful woman I've ever seen.

Wow. I love you, honey. Is she watching the stream right now? Is she on youstream.com? She's on that Periscope, man. Are you from LA? No. Where are you from?

Phoenix. Oh, yeah, Arizona. And how long have you been here? A year? No, I'm just here on vacation.A.? No. Where are you from? Arizona. Oh, yeah, Arizona. And how long have you been here? A year? No, I'm just here on vacation. Wow. Yeah. My wife's going to go see Ed Sheeran, and I was like, fucking comedy story.

That's right where the comedy story is. So I knew I had to come down. Boom. There you go. Nice. That's another night in the life of William Larkin, everybody. But that's another reason why you like him. William Larkin, ladies and gentlemen.

Let him hear it. Fully endorsed. Came to LA. They said it couldn't be done. His wife's at a fucking concert and he came here. That's right. William Larkin. I don't think he's married. I don't think he's 23. I don't think he's really from Phoenix.

I'll allow it. I won't question it. Sure, I shaved my beard yesterday. Alright. I don't even think he has pubes yet. Nonetheless, a beard. I've seen this guy before. We know him. We love him. One of our favorites here.

Put your hands together for Tam Fam, everybody. Here he is. Oh! What the fuck? I'm not a star. Who is this guy? Yeah. Hypothetically speaking, if I were to hang myself, I'm going to do it while masturbating, which would make it autoerotic asphyxiation.

It's just very appealing to me because I want to make sure that I die doing what I love, embarrassing my parents. My relationship, especially with my dad, isn't great or existent. But he is still my old man. So my life's dream, the only thing on my bucket list, is to make enough money that I could afford to put my dad into a really nice retirement home and then dump him in a shitty one anyway.

Boom! Tam Pham does it again! Fuck yeah. Look at him catching his breath after another new 60 seconds of pure fucking assassination. Wearing an adult shirt. Yeah, every time, let me update you too, every time he's been on the show

five, six times I feel like he's crushed, and he always wears a shirt that says, at Tam Fam Comedy on it. He has his Twitter handle on his shirt. Yeah, no. So the people that saw him for the first time not wearing that shirt tonight, I could tell who in the crowd's seen him and who hasn't, because everybody went sort of crazy,

because everybody's been telling him to stop wearing that fucking shirt. All right, I understand at a certain point you have to become like a marketing person to do stand-up comedy and you need to fucking do Twitter and all that shit but don't let it overwhelm and distract you from what the real mission at hand is and that's doing as

many spots as you possibly fucking can and all this other shit and your Twitter handle. I took my Twitter off my phone. I fucking hate it and I know I'm talking to you. Brian, you have fucking Periscope on. You tweet non-stop but

it's fine for some people. Stand-up comic. Just do that right material. You're doing a very good job. I think all that shit and the self-promotion is just fucking two sets and shut the fuck up about it.

I can't. I thought you were funny. Yeah. No, he's very funny. I think that you people were laughing the minute he walked up on stage. With that stupid shirt that you were with the Twitter handle makes you seem like you're just...

I love it. He's not wearing the shirt and he's still getting roasted for wearing the shirt. He finally changes it. But do you get that? Why you gotta burn all those fucking shirts? Like, you can't... But you also have to find a shirt that fits you. So just...

You don't have to wear that shirt, but just wear a child's shirt. Is the Tam Phan shirt underneath that shirt? No. Wait, really? Is it? Unbutton some buttons there, Tam Pham. You've got to be fucking kidding me.

Wow, it's not there. Wow, it's great. I like it unbuttoned like that also. Tam Pham. Tam, how long have you lost the shirt for? When did you lose the shirt? Just for tonight? Once it started getting over 90 degrees every day.

Stopped wearing it. Wait, that was a t-shirt. Now you're wearing more clothes. Right. You're wearing two layers. Started sweating, so I lost the t-shirt and put on this winter coat. Fuck yeah. Was it a sweater? Yeah, just the t-shirt and put on this winter coat. Fuck yeah. Was it a sweater?

No, just the t-shirt. Tam, can you make it to the Ice House Friday? I'd like to get you on the Death Squad show. Wow. Fuck yeah. Somebody just turned the Ice House into the Rice House, if you know what I'm saying. Because he's Asian as fuck, everybody. That's a lot smarter than you just gave it credit for.

You should have laughed harder at that. Now I'm judging you. Tam, you got that shirt. Obviously, it's not your size. It was left at your parents' dry cleaners. And you just grabbed it. When did you stop wearing it? So it's been in the past couple weeks.

Have you noticed a difference between the level of laughs that you're getting not wearing this shirt compared to wearing this shirt? Have you noticed any change at all? Have you been paying attention? No, I can't tell. How about the Twitter followers? Have they dropped tremendously? It doesn't matter, does it? So, again,

people are going to take you more seriously. I mean, again, maybe in a better shirt, but not in a shirt that doesn't have your Twitter handle on it. Just keep doing stand-up comedy. So any questions for us? Can I ask you about The Last Airbender? No, Tam. Get the fuck out of here.

Wow. Tam Pham went for it. He went. He was. You know, I didn't. Here's the thing. of here. Wow. Tam Pham went for it. He went. He was. You know, I didn't. Here's the thing. Here's the thing. Fuck you, Tam.

Being a brown person, I didn't know. Can I just say, being a brown person, I didn't want to lean into the whole Asian stereotype thing. And then he asked me that fucking question. And now I'm like the Asian guy asked me about The Last Airbender unbelievable what do you want to know about it? man

I can't believe he went for it as far as he moved he really threw you under the top of the train on that one you fuckers alright it's Tam Fam comedy Tam Fam comedy everybody to the top of the train on that one. You fuckers. All right. Tam Fam comedy. Tam Fam comedy, everybody. See him at the Ice House on Friday.

I'm excited about that. Every once in a while, Brian throws him an extra spot. This looks like another new name. Christine Bennett, everybody. Here we go. She was lined up. She was ready to go.

Hello. Hello. Hey. So I went on this blind date the other night, and everything was going really great and all. And I think I had a little bit too much to drink, so he offered to drive me home. And then I realized really quickly that he was actually blind. So thank you you guys.

That was a nice laugh. What else? Do we know why men get into relationships these days and move in with their girlfriends? Anybody? Anybody got an idea? Because the houses don't clean themselves and sandwiches don't prepare themselves either.

Hashtag feminism. And yeah, that's all I got. I'm sorry. I'm going to stop you right here. You're the good cop. Sorry, I know I'm the good cop. I'm sorry. I'm doing you a favor.

I'm doing you a favor. It's my first time. No, don't do this. She has a minute. She only had a minute. You have been stopped at 42 seconds. Another burst in Kill Tony history. Sorry.

I love this. I absolutely love this. I'm like, wow, this is going to be like, you know, a real real, extremely structured episode of Kill Tony with the two Daily Show correspondents on it. And instead we've lost everything. We've broken it down, and I fucking love it. I couldn't be any happier about it. Christine, if you were to do it, and I'm going to stand strong with my panel here

and continue the stoppage, but I will do this. What was your next joke about? What would you have done if you had 20 more seconds? What would you have talked about? Just talk us through it. Well, okay, let me back up. See, that's what I mean. You only had 20 seconds left,

so what were you going to close it out with before Asif so rudely snuffed you? You know, I don't even know. I kind of blanked up here. I didn't really think I was going to get called. I know everybody says that! I know everybody says that! But I really wasn't expecting it.

How did you match that sound effect with that moment? That was incredible. It's like we literally heard her brain just explode inside of her skull. That was incredible. Holy fucking shit. Christine, how long have you been

doing stand-up? Three months. Really? How many times have you gone on stage? Four. Is it something you've always wanted to do? No. I came here to be an actor. Al? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

fuck yeah so you came here to be an actor what happened how long have you been in LA three months okay did you act anywhere else well I've been taking classes in Austin for about

nine years. And then I was in like a few things. And then apparently I had really great hands. So I became a hand model. And then I realized my career was going nowhere. So it was time to make a move. So I moved here. And then I'm bombing on stage.

It's great. No, it's okay. You have to do that. But I just don't see why you actors don't just fucking act. Well, because let me explain something to you. It's hard... No, no, no.

I can barely get an agent in this town. I can understand why an actor might get up on stage and explore being a stand-up in some ways and tell jokes and try to figure out how to, you know. I mean, you act, right? I enjoy it. You enjoy it. I just think that that wasn't funny.

That's all. No, I mean, look. It wasn't, I mean, I think that it's just a case of... He's being polite. It was horribly unfunny. It was some of the worst stand-up I've ever seen in my entire life. Okay, thanks. The good news is...

Yes, there is a positive side to all of this, is that you should just do what you came out here to do. Again, you're getting distracted from the mission at hand, which is you should be an actress, and you want to here to do. Again, you're getting distracted from the mission at hand, which is you should be an actress. And you want to be an actress. You spent nine years working in Austin being a fucking actress.

And you came out here to do it on a professional level. And there's no way you should be deterred by that. And for you to sidestep and jump into what you think people want you to do or some way to get noticed

is not the way to do it. And you should just work your ass off of becoming an actress and that's it. I have a better job for you actually than even acting. Ready for this? You're Ambien now. You are

Ambien. Aw, that's mean. What the fuck just happened in this room? Because you just tried to, I just gave a very heartfelt... Are you ticklish? Okay, Brian. You just had to do it, didn't you?

But I get the feeling that this extra 20 seconds that you would have had to have done, I feel like maybe you would have turned everything around. Are you sure you don't remember? Do you really think that? No, but I'd love to see it go even further. It's like watching a gif of a train wreck right now. I love it.

You've only been on stage four times. So even if you want to really try to do comedy, you have to make sure you have jokes. Because that first joke, I didn't understand what the point or the idea was. Can you do the first joke again? No, no, no. I don't want to do it again.

Just say it. You don't have to act it out. No, I don't want to do it again. The good it. No, I don't want to do it again. Wait, wait. The good news is that when you're acting from now on, you'll always be able

to reference this moment when you're trying to cry. It's always, and if you ever forget, just watch the video of this. It's going to be out to hundreds of thousands of people.

Oh, fantastic. Thanks. It'll remind you. But you don't seem very nervous. You seem like you're not really nervous. I'm just disappointed. Dreams crushed. You couldn't expect to do well considering

these circumstances. This is your fourth time on stage. You almost did better than the guy that's been doing it 13 years. Yeah, it's true. What are these O's, by the way? You guys can fucking stop with that shit. You want to go O, go down to the laugh factory. Who was it? Go watch some good old fucking Christian comedy.

Pieces of shit. Who O'd? How the fuck did you guys get in here? No more O-ing. You either laugh or you don't. And if you're a fucking commercial actor trying to get noticed, walk out of this room now. Yeah.

Want any more of you fuckers up here? It feels so bad for the people that are commercial actors and still have their names in the bucket and can't leave. I mean, look, if you really want to be a comic and you don't want to do acting anymore, you can do it. You just have to work at it. You have to write jokes. And you have to really, like, listen to yourself. Record every set that you do. Listen back at it.

And be sober and go, what was I thinking? I just feel like my taste is a little... Okay, most of the jokes I have are a little too dirty to be doing up here. Do one. This is the belly room. Do one of those. I do hours of the dirtiest jokes ever. He pees in women's vaginas.

I pee inside of women. Do a dirty joke that you don't think you can do. All right. So do you guys ever drink? I like to drink. Sometimes I drink and I black out. Have you ever blacked out during oral sex while you're giving a guy oral sex? One time I blacked out during oral sex and my head and my brain went to this dream state

and I ended up at the state fair. And then I realized I was a little hungry, so I walked up to the corn dog stand, and I'm in my dream state, and I'm giving oral sex. And then I decided I'm going to buy myself a corn dog. I get that corn dog. I put it in my mouth. I take a big bite out of it. And then all of a sudden, I'm awakened by a couple of titty twisters

from the man I've been gnawing on like a teething toddler for 45 seconds. Thank you. Hey, that was a laugh. I heard it. teething toddler for 45 seconds. Thank you. Hey, that was a laugh. I heard it. That was a laugh. All right. Thank you. That's all I wanted.

They were laughing at something they heard in a different room. I don't know what to say. Do you want me to punch that up? Do you want to work on that and see how that can be funny? No, I mean. I think it was a long way to go for a joke that we saw coming like you know, 10-15

seconds before you actually said it. And you asked the audience two questions for that joke. But I have a question. Why did you come here instead of... Who's talking right now? I was literally like, holy shit! I'm right here. Why did you come here instead of... Who's talking right now? Oh, I was literally like, holy shit. I'm right here.

Why did you come here instead of just signing up at a regular... Oh, fuck you, Pat. What are you doing, cock blocking? Come on, dude. Whoa, Jesus. Brian thought he had a chance over here. You know what I mean? I got this comedy school, Late Night Mondays.

Do you like to be peed inside of? Okay, Brian, you're doing your thing and we're going to dial it back a little bit. Relax if you have to jerk off or something. You can be... I'm trying to be positive, but I'm finding it very difficult.

You can be great at this if you really, really try at it, but doing it four times in three months is not, that doesn't work. So, yeah, again, that kid who came up, what was his name? Yeah, he's doing 10 sets a week. That's sort of what you need to be doing pretty much. If you want to do it. Yeah.

Okay. So it's either start doing that or dabble and keep taking time. Don't kill yourself. Don't kill yourself. Look into webcamming. Whatever you do, don't kill yourself. You son of a bitch.

Red band sneaking it in. I love it. You're fine. Christine, thank you. There she goes. Too mean. Christine, thank you. There she goes. Thank you. Too mean. It's rough sometimes. The last thing you want to be is an actor.

Oh my god, she just walked out of here so fast. That's incredible. Did she just throw herself down the stairs? Did she survive the stairway? Court. Jesus, that poor thing. Sometimes it happens, people. You're right. I don't know why people do this.

Well, it's not always this brutal. It should be. Remember how much fun we had with TamFam, everybody? Huh? Remember that? That was crazy, wasn't it? That's the kind of stuff that can happen here on Kill Tony. You just hear a gunshot coming down the stairs.

Who's next? Put your hands together for your next comedian. It's Tim Pingel, everyone. Tim Pingel. Fuck yeah. First time on Kill Tony. I'll tell you guys a little bit about myself. I'm a white guy from Iowa, but I'm only half white. I found that out on show and tell day in elementary school. It was heritage day where we brought in our parents to share with the rest of the class where our

families immigrated from. My mom showed up by herself a little buzzed, and before she hit the podium, she revealed to the class that I was half white and half trash. Turns out on my white side, I'm half German and half misbegotten. Misbegotten stands for bastard, everybody. And on my trash side, I'm a partially eaten ketchup sandwich and a half a glass of Tang. But I do have a little bit of Jewish in me. Thank you. I was outside this bar mitzvah minding my own business one day, breaking into a few cars. A couple of Jewish guys jumped me, and I still have a piece of a

truck. That's what happens if you run over your time here. We don't really allow it so much. Sort of been a thing since it started. Yeah. Hello, West Hollywood Bear. Fuck yeah. Tim, what's your story, man?

What's your story? What's your deal, man? That was the facts, man. I'm a white guy from Iowa. When did you come to Los Angeles? 15 years ago. I came to film school. How'd that turn out?

It went well. I got my certificate. Still wearing the same outfit. Still wearing the same outfit. Still have the same outfit. I produced a movie, a comedy movie. Cool. And that's what I'm in the realm of. What's the comedy movie?

It's Hookers Incorporated. Uh-huh. Okay. Thank you. That's fantastic. Thank you. I don't get it. How long have you been doing stand-up?

For four months. Four months. Which seems like Hookers Incorporated, like Cinemax-wise, could be on all the time. I think I saw that. It's available everywhere, yeah. I'll produce this comedy movie. It's called Prostitutes Unlimited.

Get it on demand. Pat Reagan over there. It was my first job. I've been to Pat's house. Yeah, I delivered hookers for a couple of years here. Wow, you guys are tag team bombing right now. I love it. All right.

Was this planned between the two of you or something? I got to get on somebody's team here. It's amazing. Motherfucker. Tim, is Pinkle your last name? Pinkle? Pinkle. Wow.

That's my brother's dad's name. Remember, I'm misbegotten. I don't remember anything you said. Here's the thing. I think using words like misbegotten in a stand-up set when you only have a minute

is probably not a good idea. I think it's just I don't think just go for bastard. But you realize also It's probably not a good idea. I think it's just, you know, I don't think. Okay. I think just go for bastard. Okay. But you realize also that when you dress like a fucking 12-year-old boy, like you dress like that other guy looks,

and like you expect to come up here and everyone's super distracted. No, I agree with that. I'm usually dressed a little more trashy. That's true. I really do respect the fact that you took that. Is this a costume? Is that what this is? No, my girlfriend bought me this fucking shirt. And you ripped the spinny top out.

But are you trying to do a whole white trash thing? No, I'm telling you, I'm white trash. Right, but... 15 years in LA didn't change anything about you. No, listen, I've evolved. I'm no longer a racist.

Wow. What were the races that you hated the most when you first moved here, Tim? Let's talk about this. Let's get into some fucking real shit. Let's get into something fucking compelling, shall we? If you had to rank your least favorite races...

Hey, let me put it this way. I grew up in a very racist area. Yeah, we want colors, dude. Start naming races, bro. I'm not doing that. I'm not doing it. I'm guessing it goes from darker to lighter. You're hate.

No, you make a great point. I have evolved. That's the best thing about being in L.A. is I've become liberated. I had to come through Texas, so I've come a great point. I have evolved. That's the best thing about being in L.A. Good, right. Is I've become liberated. I had to come through Texas, so I've come a long ways. You're the kind of guy that just stands outside of a black church and says, eh, maybe next week.

That's topical and right on the edge, everybody. Again, if you're not clapping, I think you're stupid. How does that make you feel? Now I'm judging you, fuckers. Maybe next week? Alright. Your South Carolina joke kicked ass on Twitter. I love that. Oh, thanks. You follow me on Twitter.

You know what? I think you have a good future in front of you, Tim. Really smart. You have good taste. Handsome. Fuck yeah. You took the spinny part of your hat off today before coming to do stand-up. The helicopter top. It is a German hat.

Tim, how long have you been single for? I've been in a relationship for seven years. Wow. How's that going? Do you live in a trailer? I feel like you might. I did. You did for how long?

Nine months in Dallas. Fuck yeah. Just long enough so the baby could pop out. Yeah. We aborted. You've been in a relationship for seven years, and your movie Hooker Incorporated came out in 2006. Are you dating an ex-hooker?

No. My friend married one of the hookers. This looks interesting. You've got Kato Kaelin in there. Thank you. Thank you, Red Band. A little respect, finally. Thank you. It's got Cato Kaelin in there. It's about the escort agencies. Thank you, Red Band. A little respect, finally. Thank you.

It got a 3.8. It has a 3.8 out of 5. Oh, I'm sorry. That's 10. 3.8 out of 10 from 89 users. 3.8 out of 10. That's pretty good. How big of a role did you have in this movie?

You directed it. I directed it. Oh, wow. Your name was Slimy in it. Slimy. Slimy. Oh. Yeah.

Can you tell us a little something about that? How is it spelled? I-M-M-Y. Yeah, Slimy. What do you want to know about it? It's a Christopher Guest style. It's like Spinal Tap with hookers. Right.

You know what? Now I understand why you're dressed like that, because you're in the new Pee Wee Herman movie as a gas station attendant. I am. I did have a spot in that movie. Really? Yes, I did. Wow. You're secretly sort of successful. See, that's what happens when an actual actor comes in here

is they don't mention that they're an actor. That's funny. You've done so much hatred for actors today that now Christopher Walken would come up here and just be like, I'm a pure stand-up. It's just always what I love to do. Oh, he's working a ton, this guy. Walker, Texas Ranger.

You've done everything, dude. Two episodes of Walker, Texas Ranger. What did I play? White Trash Thug. Thank you. For every single role that I'm seeing, it's all White Trash Thug. It's pretty incredible. My casting is guy at the gas station in the middle of nowhere pumping gas every time. Wow. I love seeing. It's all white trash thug. It's pretty incredible. My casting is guy at the gas station in the middle of nowhere pumping gas every time. Wow.

I love that. But now, why not do something with that? So that's what you're getting cast as. But I'm saying you're a filmmaker. I just did a scene with Bill Hader Wednesday in the basement of the forum. I'm not talking about being a bit actor in other people's shit. I'm talking about making your own stuff. I just stopped my comedy rooms.

I've optioned it three times in the last four years. I've rewritten it seven times. You know, it's a brutal business. Yeah, yeah, and then maybe that one doesn't work and just fucking move on. I don't understand why. I have three written. I just shoot stuff. I'm shooting.

What, yourself? Take 12 of these comics and put them in. Yeah. Tim. All right. If you could do anything you wanted to do the most, what would it be? Biggest goal. What do you want to do?

To pick a school. To continue making my comedy movies. Yeah. I mean, I only had a minute. I was trying to introduce myself. It was bombing. You were fine. I don't care about anybody's minute.

I'm just talking about what you can do as, like, again, this probably isn't it. Yeah, I don't know if you've noticed, Tim, but there's some actors that really need some work in this room. If you just get a camera, I'm sure a few of them if they haven't hung themselves yet would still love to be in a movie.

Make a sequel to that Hooker movie and go find that chick. The sequel's written. The distribution's guaranteed. There you go, everybody. Tim Pingel. Tim Pingel. Guys, this go. We're sending him. All right. Tim Pingel.

Thank you. Guys, this is the final part of the show. We're on the straightaway now. This is the part where our two regulars, every single week, we only have two regulars that do a brand new minute every single week since the beginning of the show. This week's no different. Put your hands together for your first comedian. Drop out out of the University of Florida after she did her first time on stage here on Kill Tony. She's been writing and performing a brand new minute every week since.

It's the one and only Kimberly Congdon. There she is. Kimberly Congdon. Thank you. Guys, I'm super excited. Yesterday I got a call and I got the lead in a new horror film. I am really excited about it. I'm nervous because we're shooting in a black church.

I don't think that's going to... I know, I know. It's really sad to joke about. The Charleston shooting had nine victims. One of them was a 27-year-old man, which is really sad because he'll never grow up and be able to abandon his kids.

Is that too dark? Yeah, that was the problem. All right. Is this what it feels like to be mediocre? All right, I'm done. Wow, there you go. 51 new seconds from Kimberly Congdon. She went for it tonight.

She went with the topical edge. Were you always this dark or did they make you this way? I'm always like this. Well, not really. You're not always that dark. From the very beginning, I've always said really dark things. I wouldn't say quite as dark as the most topical shooting that just happened last week.

There's a lot of talk of family and things like that. So no, we didn't make her this way, and normally it's not this way. That's what I would say. Yeah, no, the supportive environment of the belly room here. Oh, wow, wow. Look who's chipping in over there. You want some more? You want some more, you motherfucker?

You want to go play your guitar in a fucking Tim Pingle movie? Huh? Yeah. Yeah, you hear that horse? You know what that means. I don't know what it means exactly. It's good. Kim. What's up? You went for

it tonight. You went with the new topical the new church shooting joke. What do you guys think about talking about subjects? Is there a too soon to Alan? Well, I always hated topical shit because of how quickly it went away. And so

I always told very, very, and I still do, and I maintain very personal stories. I enjoy it like all. We had something happen to us that we both assembled an Ikea kitchen. And then I was on stage.

I looked into the back of the room and saw Tony, and you just yelled, talk about it. Talk about what happened yesterday or something like that. It became one of my favorite bits of all time and started adding to it. He saw the whole thing, and it became this 15-minute chunk and it was very specific. No one else can ever take that. It's like, I hate topical shit

because the shelf life is so limited and also that is too soon. It was too cruel as far as I'm concerned. But I'm a baby. I'm a fucking... I really am. I am a little pampered baby.

But it's true that... No, I agree with that. I think if you go more into your own personal, you know, what it makes you specific, the topical stuff. How old are you? I'm 24.

You don't have much to pull from. I also feel like I do the same subjects every week here. You guys mentioned that I always talk about my family and my dad, so I was like, maybe I should do something. No, I appreciate that. Like if I come up every week and I'm only saying one minute about my absent father, but I'm coming up where people are going to be like, oh, this girl's got problems. I would love to see you.

Because she only has a minute when she comes up here. Right. But it's a new minute every single week. I think it was very brave to go in that direction. Sure to see you. She only has a minute when she comes up here. But it's a new minute every single week. I think it was very brave to go in that direction. I think it might be too soon. What else are you going to do with the minute? What else are you going to do with the minute? I think you went for it.

I think the audience is not ready to laugh about that yet, which was clear. I was ready. But I think it was brave to do it. Yeah, I don't like that kind of shit usually at all. I mean, like a Twitter, if you write as a tweet maybe, I would put a star next to it.

It's like when people come up here with abortion jokes or something like that. I just kind of go, oh, God. It always has to be as smart as it is edgy or as funny as it is edgy. Yeah, there's a lot of blue for blue's sake. And on that, there was a lot of black for black's sake.

And you guys aren't even paying attention anymore. Is this what it's come to? Really? Still throwing grand slams out for nothingness? You streams loving it. They're commenting. Tony's killing and that live audience is stupid. That's what

they're saying right now. Fuck yeah. What was I going to say? It's true about that Ikea thing. I remember yelling that specifically. I had helped you put together that Ikea kitchen set and then I yelled, talk about Ikea. That night you talked about it for 45 seconds,

and it killed. The next night, it was like three minutes. The next night, it was like four. And it just kept getting bigger. So talking about one thing ever for a few weeks in a row will never make you seem crazy. It will only make you stronger on that subject. I also think if you're going to go topical

in the way that you did, you've got to have an angle on it that is so unique and interesting, you know, other than just, you know, I think it's got to be something that we haven't heard or, you know, in order to make it work at this point. Right. I don't usually do topical in my longer sets, but it's just easy to do a one-minute topical joke up here. I did Syria and Robin Williams, and whenever something happens, I just... It's easy to just do.

I think that's what your minute this spot is for, is to experiment and take a topic and try it. But then again, what do you know? Because you're a fucking musician. Kimberly Congdon, everybody. Another brand new minute from Kimberly Congdon. Follow her on brand new minute from Kimberly Congdon. Follow her on Twitter and Instagram at Kimberly Congdon. You're one other regular.

Always the same thing. Brand new minute. Performs a new minute. The one and only Sarah Weinshank, everybody. Here she is. What's up? Sprinkles. Nothing excites bitches quite like sprinkles nothing excites bitches quite like sprinkles it's true we get excited because it looks like a party it's fun it's like yeah sure

i'll take a donut with sprinkles i prefer to vergla one. Let's go. And I think it's all about fun. That's what sprinkles are about. Because have you ever tasted a sprinkle? Tastes like nothing. It's all about fun. There's a reason why Funfetti cake exists. Because it's exciting to see food sparkles. It's accessories for your food.

It's edible glitter. Which is great. Women, we like things that are shiny. There's blood diamonds. Sprinkles. I don't know. Blood sprinkles. Is that next? I don't know. Blood sprinkles. Is that next?

There you go. Sarah Weinshank. Right in her voice. That's her. Yeah. Tonight it was sprinkles. Good. Yeah.

I liked it. Yeah. Very fun. Right off the bat. Sprinkles. Funny. I like the delivery. And I like the quality of your voice

when you're delivering it, that sort of, you know, the dumb girl thing. Right in your wheelhouse. That stupid bitch voice. Dumb girl voice. Like, it is incredible. Is that what you think? I mean, it's never been called the dumb girl voice. Like it is incredible. Is that what you think? I mean it's never been called the dumb girl voice.

That's your voice. Your actual voice? It's a dumb girl voice. My voice might be a dumb girl voice. You have a dumb girl voice. That's your voice. I'm not saying you're dumb. I'm just saying you have a dumb girl voice.

If it works, it works. So I think go with that. That's a dumb dumb voice and it's good. And you have a dumb girl voice. If it works, it works. Yeah, so I think go with that. That's a dumb, dumb voice, and it's good. And he's talking about sprinkles. You were funny the last time I was here as well, and you guys are doing a great job. And obviously the time has worked out, and that's all part of the plan. Now, are you talking a lot about food?

Are you going to decide to be the female Jim Gaffigan that's going to because you could. Yeah, I think that this is my, I like talking about this stuff. I like it and people are like, are you going to talk more personal? And maybe I will when I'm ready. No, it is super personal.

Yeah, that's what I mean. It is personal and there's so much you can do within it. But yeah, I love writing about obscure topics that exist. I haven't heard anybody talk about sprinkles before. Have you? No. And I loved how you paced it out.

You start with the appearance, and then by the end of it, you're in on how it tastes like nothing, which is pretty crazy. It was good. Because you know why? Because it's true. They taste like nothing. Imagine the power. Because it's true. They taste like nothing. Imagine the power that sprinkles would have if they had flavor to them. Imagine the market for flavored sprinkles.

Everything would have sprinkles on it. But like rainbow sprinkles, it would be too many flavors. That's why I think there's no flavor. Unless they just make one flavor that is the flavor of the rainbow. And it has Skittles flavor. Like rainbow sherbet or something. Sure is the flavor of the rainbow. And it has Skittles flavor. Like rainbow sherbet or something. Sure. The color of the rainbow.

Yeah. I like how you compared it to a party. Like how the sprinkles. You can even talk about how there's even the longer ones. Where those are the glow sticks of the sprinkles. Yeah. It's like the contents of a pinata. Right.

And what's those things that those gyms used to put on your cell phones at the mall? Bedazzles? Bedazzled. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do some bedazzled shit. Yeah, it's all there. You did it again. That's a brand new 60s.

Before you leave, can I just talk about another just comedy rule that really bugs the shit out of me that some of you people are doing in this room? Anybody with notebooks out and pens out that is writing anything down during anybody else's set should be shot on the fucking spot yes and what why is that because you can't you know come up with fucking premises while somebody else is on stage or somebody's singing or it's just not how it's like I saw. Who was that asshole from Carlos Mencia? No, not. Or it's true.

I completely agree with that. There's pretty much no reason to be writing anything. No hands out during it. You're not thinking of anything. Walk outside the room. What? What? What's happening back there? Wait a second.

He's writing down what you said. He's writing down that he shouldn't write things down. He shouldn't write things down. There she goes. Sarah Weinshank, everybody. Sarah Weinshank did it again. Follow her on Twitter at Princess Shank. We did it, guys.

That's Kill Tony. Pat Reagan's on Twitter at Patty Reagan. P-A-T-T-Y-R-E-G-A-N. Any parting words, Pat? Parting words. Check out my website, babydick.com. And get his album, Pat Reagan Smells Like Shit. It actually is my favorite comedy music album out of everybody.

All right. Yeah. Really? I'm serious. He's unbelievable. I'm serious. He's unbelievable. Nothing he did tonight was good, but download his album. I'm serious. It's funny.

Skip track one and then listen. That's giving me a lot of stink eye right now. You gotta skip track one. That is the catch with his album. He purposefully tries to push you away on track one, but then he brings it back every song after that. Guys, awesome. You have The Brink. It just came out last night, my new favorite show.

The Brink on HBO every Sunday at 10.30. Check it out. Watch The Brink. You can follow me at Asif on Twitter. We did it again. So much fun. The baddest bad cop of all time. All the

real comics congratulations keep at it congratulations to everybody who came up here it was very brave I couldn't do it final part of the night Ryan J. E. Belt shows us his drawing that he started at the beginning of the episode and we end

with it the amazing Ryan J. E. Belt on Instagram, Twitter. Wow! Red Band and Al Magical got devil horns. And I got both. That is good. And Asif just got the angels halo. Because he was the good guy.

And I was both, I guess. I like that. Ryan J.E. Belt, everybody. That's Kill Tony. Thank you, live audience. Have a good night. Good night. Ryan J. E. Belt, everybody. That's Kill Tony. Thank you, live audience. Have a good night. Good night. Good night. We're going to take a picture real quick. And we're done. Make it. It's okay. You know, you literally have to get up and bounce.

And then you have to get up. And then you're going to go to the left. And then you're going to go to the left. And then you have to come up and get back to the right. Yeah, I know. See you guys. Everything is meant to be okay Death is like dreams of tomorrow When I'm gone you you