KILL TONY - KILL TONY #112

Episode Date: August 31, 2015

Jeff Ross, Dom Irrera, Sara Weinshenk, Kimberly Congdon, Tony Hinchcliffe, Josh Martin, Brian Redban - Date: 07/06/2015   Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to Kill Tony. Go to DeathSquad.tv and click on Tour Dates. We have a Death Squad secret show in the main room, returning to the Comedy Store on September 9th. In the past, we've had Joe Rogan, Doug Stanhope, Louis C.K., Jeff Ross, a bunch of people. This is always an amazing show, so check it out. It's at the Comedy Store, 9th in the main room,

the Death Squad Secret Show. Also, me and Tony Hinchcliffe are going back to Phoenix, Arizona to stand up live one show, one night only, September 17th. Tickets are on sale right now, so come on out to stand up live. Phoenix, Arizona, September 17th. Also, Kill Tony is every Monday in the Belly Room. It's a free show. It starts at 8 o'clock.

And don't forget Verbal Violence, the podcast of the Roast Battle, which is now on Death Squad, is every Tuesday night. So check out thecomedystore.com or just go to deathsquad.tv and click on Tour Dates. Also, don't forget the death squad store shop squad dot tv we have a bunch of new hats the star lux hat the mc lucky hat we got a couple shirts in now so check it out

it's very limited supplies so it's first come first serves shop squad dot tv check out tony hinchcliffe dot com for his tour dates and merch and uh just subscribe to us guys Check out TonyHinchcliffe.com for his tour dates and merch. And just subscribe to us, guys, on iTunes. Search for Death Squad.

All right, guys. Here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Redman coming to you live from the world's famous comedy store for a brand new episode of Kill Tony Volume 2. Give it up for Tony. Yeah, yeah. Yay. Hi, everybody. How's it going, everyone?

Welcome to another fun episode of Kill Tony. How's everybody doing tonight? You guys good? Ready for a crazy one? So fun to be here, everyone. Another packed house on a Monday. It's not easy to do. Not easy to do. This big guy in the front made it all the way from Houston, Texas.

Fuck yeah. Told me earlier, and look at you. Now you're taking up two seats in the front row like a true Houston fan. Fuck yeah. Hi, everybody, and welcome. Brian, how's it going? Life is good.

Great. How are you doing, buddy? I haven't seen you in a while. I know. I know. I haven't. Yeah, I know. It's been a weird time here for me at the Comedy Store lately.

It should be fun to see how it all pans out. Yeah. Anyway, I'm excited about tonight's show. Put your hands together. You heard them all the minutes before this, live on Ustream and live to the hundreds of thousands on Periscope right now. The one and only Pat Reagan, ladies and gentlemen.

Wow. I'm pretty sure. Yeah. He's here. He's our band leader, and he also plays music during the audience load-in and live streaming on the internet. Pat, how's it going tonight? It's going pretty well, Tony.

How about yourself? Good. Good. I love it. You're just solo, right? No other band members tonight? No band members tonight. I told Pat months ago, you'll be the band leader.

You can bring as many of your band members or any band members or anything you want to do. He just kept the position all for himself. He has an entire band and he doesn't even invite them here. But they're hilarious. Pat Reagan and the Baby Boys on iTunes and shit like that. We got a new music video. Check it out. Where can we find it?

We set a lot. Do you guys like setting baby dolls on fire? Because we do that a lot. Every Monday audience loves that. Am I right, Monday night? Come on. Somebody's lighting a baby doll on fire in the back of the room right now in excitement. That was a great video, man.

Good job on that. Was that a new song you did tonight? The football one? Basketball. Yeah, that's a new song. It's a new Baby Boy song. I liked it. Yeah, I'm excited.

I tweeted about it. I laughed at it. Let's get into the show, shall we? Every week I have two of my funniest friends, two of the best comedians in the world come on the show. This week's no different. No different to the best. Put your hands together for the great returns of our guests,

Dom Irera and the Roastmaster General, Jeffrey Ross, everybody. Here they are. Boom. Boom. Two of the best comedians, two of the best Kill Tony guests ever, two of the best possible comedians to have talk to brand new comedians and people that signed up for the chance to do a minute in front of us. Absolutely. I love it. You can sit wherever you want. Audience, it's Jeff Ross and Dom

Herrera. Fuck yeah. Good morning. This is early for Jeff and Dom. I've never been to the comedy store when it was still light out. You? It is weird. That's a microphone, Dom. still light out. You? It is weird.

That's a microphone, Tom. Try it out. Thanks, Jeff. Jeff, by the way, I love your early stuff. Thank you very much. Come on, wait a second. There's an insult buried in that compliment somewhere. No, I'm serious. Your first five minutes, killer.

And it has begun. I don't know. I just thought, hot crowd tonight Tony Thanks for having me back man I love it absolutely It's gonna be so fun Every week I have Pat Reagan ask my guests a question

Why is that? Can we ask him a question for a change? Yeah go ahead Pat Why are you dressed like you're going to help somebody paint? I don't know. It's just what I wear. Just a t-shirt and jeans.

All right. You win. All right. Can I ask you a question? Please. Okay. So Jeff just did this special live at Brazos County Jail. And it got me thinking and wondering, have you ever gotten into it with an audience member?

Do you have any ugly stories from roasting audience members where it turned? I got slapped. Tony and I actually were on tour together for about four months or something. And I got slapped probably six times in four months. Like hit. Not just like poke, but like

whack. Sorry. I don't know. Specific ones? I don't know. I would get hit by audience members. Tell them the reason. Tell them what you would do that you noticed that the woman would hit you the most on.

Oh, that's right. Well, you know, women come on stage to get speed roasted. You know, I line them up like a line. I'm never on this early, Tony. This is hard for me. It's good. We're just getting warmed up. It's an hour and a half, so you can pace yourself.

An hour and a half? I thought it was going to be three hours. Shit. Yeah, and I would, you know, they come on, especially like in Vegas or somewhere, they wear like their sexiest outfits. They want to get, their boobs are out, you know, as Dom would say,

tits on a half shell. Oh, the memories. The memories. They come flushing back. Excuse me, is that my vagina? And they would come up and they would expect me to make fun of their boobs or their outfit

or their heels or whatever, but I don't, you know, make fun of their teeth or something. And then that would get slapped. It's when you make fun of, they set you up for one thing and then you get them on another.

Yeah, pretty girl like you should think about getting her teeth fixed. Yeah. Yeah, that kind of thing. But great question, Pat. Thank you. Yeah. Pat, what do you got for Dom Irera? Hey, Dom.

Hi, Pat. I miss you. Dude, I always miss you. My question is for Dom. Do you have any favorite, like, voices Do you have any favorite voices or impressions to do? My favorite voice that I ever did was

Ernie on Hey Arnold. It hurt my throat, but it came from the, remember the allowance comedian I used to do? Oh, ah, oh, is this thing on? Hello? Is this house just a bug in here? What do you call a dog with no legs? Nothing no matter what you call him, he ain't coming.

And that voice it killed my throat but that was the most fun. Good question. There you go. Pat Reagan. Can I ask Dom a question? Is that based on any one comedian or is it amalgamation of many comedians? It was a con comedian or is it amalgamation of many comedians?

Yeah, it was a conglomeration, amalgamation of all those old-time comedians. There's this thing on and where did I lose you? What is this, an audience or an oil painting? Ooh, ah, ooh. And I used to do it really fucking hard. Then I got lazier as I got older. It went from ooh, ooh to ooh ah ooh.

It just kind of faded off. But it's the most fun character to do because even bad jokes are great for that character. What do you call a nun who walks in her sleep? Roman Catholic, come on folks. What was his name? What would you call this character? Fritzie Anderson. Fritzie.

How was the flight? The flight was beautiful. It's funny you should ask because I got 15 minutes on that. I miss that character. I wish you'd break him out more often. And what was the character that you did? Dom is the only guest out of 112 episodes ever to ever actually go from the panel to at the end of the episode one time he said

I want to do a minute and show everybody how it's done. And he actually did and it annihilated. Razor. Before I got recognized at all it was very easy to do and I would sneak into an open mic night, and I would do Razor. And the introduction was, he's been auditioning since the club opened.

Please be nice to him. He's a good friend of the owner, Razor. And all I would do was have observations that went nowhere. You know, like, you ever ride in a bus and you forget to pull your stop? And then you remember, oh, jeez, I missed my stop. Don't you hate that? It's no joke, you know. What's up with turtles, man?

They're so slow. You know, you guys have been really good tonight. Because I always tell the audience, you're so attentive. You know, because I was funny at my cousin's funeral. And that's when I was told to be a comedian, and I appreciate the fact that you're actually sitting through this. It was just fucking nothing and nothing, and people would start, because they were laughing at me.

You know, like I was doing this, you know, they already knew I was a comedian, but they used to fucking laugh at me, and then I would go into Fritzie. I would go in from, you know what I mean? Right. Go from like nothing to ooh, ah, ooh, ah. What do you wrap a gerbil in? Duct tape. So when you fuck him, he don't

explode. Hello? So there's a lot of young comedians listening to this. You did it like as a saver. Like you would do when you got bored or you felt like changing gears. No, I did it because I love the acting in it of like making them think that they were just mocking somebody.

Wow. Wow, what is this, an improv group now? Hello? Somebody's getting a phone call from 1975 right now. Bob Newhart's calling. He's like, somebody pick up the phone. Let's get this thing going. Two of the masters of comedy, Dom Ierara and Jeff Ross, are here, everybody.

Over 40 comedians, packed, stacked, tall in the back of the room. Literally people on other people's laps I see right now. And they have signed up for the chance to do 60 seconds in front of these monsters. And then we talk to them about anything that could possibly come up at any point. We talk to them. Comedians, you know your 60 seconds is up when you hear the sound of a kitty. It's adorable.

You better wrap it up then, or else you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. He's furious. That's me in the men's room. Do not go in there. You guys ready to get it going or what? This is Kill Tony. Here we go.

60 seconds of uninterrupted stage time going first tonight. Kayla Bernadette, everybody. Here we go. Oh shit, she's back. Bernadette, everybody. Here we go. Oh shit, she's back. Oh fuck, I was not expecting this. Oh my gosh. Okay, so yeah.

Okay, I don't have a problem with veg vegans but i do have a problem when they act like they're the food police like don't you hate that like i met this one girl and she was just like oh wait no no i fucked that joke up shit okay no way instead i'm just gonna do my uh christopher walken impression from a fiction okay wow your father Okay. Wow. Your father used to hide this watch up his ass. I used to hide this watch up my ass and now I'm giving it to you so you can hide it up your ass. Thank you.

Yeah. Yeah. So yeah. I've been dating a lot of older white men which kind of sucks. But this one guy there's this one guy, there was this one comedian,

and he was just like, how do I know that you're not using me? And I was just like, dude, we're both broke comedians, okay? If I really wanted to use someone, I would go to fucking Beverly Hills, meet a fucking 90-year-old billionaire, and fucking grind on him while I fed him his fucking medication, okay? So fuck you.

Oh my god. I messed up. I didn't hear the cat. Jeff has joined the group of great comedians that have had the shit scared out of them by the West Hollywood band. It happens. I'm sorry. What is the point of that?

It happened. But I didn't hear the cat. Did the cat go off? The only reason Don didn't flinch is because he couldn But I didn't hear the cat. Did the cat go off? The only reason Don didn't flinch is because he couldn't hear it by the way. Yeah, he lost his hearing the last time he came on this fucking podcast. What was the vegan joke?

Oh, the vegan joke? You want to hear it? Okay, so the vegan joke. I don't have a problem with vegans, but I do have a problem when they act like they're the fucking food police like i came back from this party and i was just like oh dude i really want a nice greasy slice of pizza this vegan was just like no you don't she was like fucking emaciated she's like you just want a salad i'm like no fuck you first of all i'm

gonna order this pizza okay i'm to bite into it until the fucking cheese stretches a foot from my face. Then I'm going to pluck it like a base, okay? And then I'm going to slam it into my mouth and there's nothing that you and your fucking chia seeds can do about that. So suck it. So what was the vegan joke? Yeah.

I don't know, man. The horse of truth. The horse of truth, everybody. When you hear that horse. I gotta admit, I'm not in my element. I'm not stunned right now. I wasn't expecting to go up. I'm sorry. I disappointed.

You got any excuses? That Christopher Walken was silly as fuck, though. You kind of saved it by doing that. Well, what's interesting is that I don't know if that really... I don't know. I mean, all that you did was you did an impression of a funny scene from a movie. I mean, if that was your thing...

Yeah, but isn't it about time somebody did Christopher Walken? I said, there should be a breakthrough. Such a good point. It really is. And what's amazing is that the... Excuse me while I do my Richard Nixon. What's crazy about the Christopher Walken is that first of all, I mean, next to Schwarzenegger

that's like the most done impression. But what I've never seen done out of all the things that I have seen done is I've never seen anybody just do the actual lines that Christopher Walken has done. Normally they try to punch it up with something or add some kind of joke.

And you just actually did the exact lines of that really funny scene from that classic movie. Copywriting. I love it. But remember we talked about my asshole last time, so there's that. I believe Brian's the person you're probably talking to about that. That was me.

How is it? I'm just going to let that go right through. Is it clean today? It is. Oh, my God. Okay, Brian. And we're done with that. Anybody getting hungry?

Yeah. So you said you're not in your element. That's why it didn't go good that you're not stoned. Do you normally get stoned before you go on? I do. And it normally goes better when you're stoned? Usually. Do you think maybe it just feels like it went better when you're stoned?

I don't know, man. I don't know. How long have you been doing stand-up? A few months. I'm primarily a writer. That's my main thing. I just do this. I love Dom just do this.

I love Dom just laughed at that. Well, you may know her as the screenwriter of the movie Pulp Fiction. That's right. What are you working on? What do you write mostly? I'm working on a skit. I actually just wrote one in the green room because I was bored. You should have been working on what you were going to do here. I mean, seriously. I mean, you got to maybe focus for a little while before you do something.

Just give it that, give it a half hour. I don't know. I mean, I turn my phone off for an hour before a big show. Maybe this isn't a big show to you, but to me, this is a big show for you. Is this sketching? So,

if I were you, I'd be on the horse. Horse of truth. I don't need to hear the golden pony of truth just yet. We're getting there. But, I mean, I thought you were interesting. You have a confidence on stage. I mean, you clearly,

maybe it's just a focus issue, and that you weren't thinking, maybe you were nervous, so you were trying not You have a confidence on stage. I mean, you clearly maybe it's just a focus issue and that you weren't thinking, maybe you were nervous so you were trying not to think about it. But a lot of times, most of the time, I'll turn my phone off for an hour and give it the audience, give myself and the audience that time together. Even if I'm not on stage yet, just

hearing what's going on and thinking about what I'm going to do. And I don't know, Buddy Hackett told me to do that. You could Google him. The skit she's writing is like that scene from Goodfellas where it's just like, funny how? Like I'm a clown? Like I amuse you? It's just straight up that scene.

What was the skit about that you were writing before? The skit? Well, it's pretty much about... It's called Frankly, Scarlet. I don't give a damn. Do you want to know? I don't know. I don't think I want to know.

You're not very excited to say it, so I'm guessing maybe not, huh? What's your name? My name is Kayla good luck Kayla I feel like we gave it a third degree but make sure somebody walks you to your car no I didn't mean it that way if she's a writer we're gonna have to learn good luck Kayla yeah I'm I'm just trying the stand-up thing. I don't know. Well, what do you want to do?

I want to write skits, like do sketch comedy and that sort of thing. That's great. Are you doing sketch comedy at other places? No. I mean, I just moved here, so I'm trying to build some people from Florida. What part?

A very, very Jewish part, I'll tell you that much. Coral Springs, that area. It's always a good way to adhere yourself to Hollywood. Yeah, yeah. You gotta get the Jews on your side. She almost threw up

when she said the Jew-y part of Florida. No, no. Which, by the way, is just called Florida. Anyway. That explains your amazing tan Boom You're good Kayla we love it

You took chances and you wrote skits Thank you so much Kayla Bernadette everybody Doing it I'm sure you see the movie Pulp Fiction It's terrific Thank you so much. Kayla Bernadette, everybody. I tried. Doing it. Make sure you see the movie Pulp Fiction. It's terrific. If you want to find out what happened,

make sure you see the movie Pulp Fiction. I think you'll enjoy it. She's on Twitter at Beretta Hayworth. Alright, totally different name for a Twitter handle. Is that true? Yeah. That's weird. That's Beretta Hayworth. Totally different name for a Twitter handle. Is that true? Yeah.

That's weird. Wait a second. I love her stuff. Now I understand. Beer-it-a-Hayworth. Beer-ita. Yeah, like Rita Hayworth. Oh, Beer-ita Hayworth. Got it.

Alright. Don't follow her on Twitter. Oh, Beerita Hayworth. Got it. All right. Don't follow her on Twitter. Guys. Are we doing plugs right now? I'll be at the Magic City Casino. I love it. Yes, we are doing plugs. I didn't realize her plug came before mine and Dom's.

No. Well, yeah. I'll be at the Magic Cito Casino with a young comedian named Benji Aflalo. We'll be there together. Some of you may know him from his earlier work in this very room. Dom, where are you going to be?

I'll be at Jimmy's Clam Bar in Bayonne, New Jersey. I don't mean for dinner. I don't mean for dinner. Get there for the first show Because then the clam starts stinking Is that why you're wearing the tablecloth To promote the show Oh, oh, boo, ah

Is this thing on You write your own stuff or does Kayla Write it for you She's back there right now working away Oh my god, I love you two This is so much fun She's back there right now, working away. Oh my god, I love you two. This is so much fun. Dom and I are in our old rhythms, but I'm more used to riffing with Fritzy than

with Dom. Fritzy, you look terrible. Oh, come on, Jeff. Alright, who we got in there? I did pull another name out of the bucket. This looks like a new name. So here we go. Spencer Callender.

Evening, everybody. Man, I had to pick up my girlfriend from the airport a few months ago. And I had to pick up my girlfriend from the airport a few months ago. And I had to pick up my sister one hour later. And I hadn't seen my lady in like a month. And I didn't have time to go home. And I had my sister's car because I don't have one and she was out of town. So we drove to a park. We had sex.

And then we drove to the park, back to the airport to get my sister. And as we're driving home, I brought a blanket with us as a catch-all. And as we're driving home, my sister has that blanket up to her face and she's smelling it. And you've got to understand, I came on this blanket, I spilled my Slurpee on this blanket, my cigarette got put out on this blanket.

As the blanket comes down, she has a big smile on her face and she goes, the blanket still smells just like mom. What do you do with that, right? You digest, you move on. But a few weeks ago, at Mother's Day, I was giving my mom a hug, and I realized my mom does smell like cum, cigarettes, and Slurpees. Wow, nailed it in a minute.

Spencer Callender. It sounds like a true story. It is 100%. Wow. Interesting. Where are you from? Long Beach, California. Oh, yeah.

Fuck yeah. How long have you been on stand-up? Four months. Nice. Nice. You get up often in Long Beach? Mostly up here. I go like three to six times a night out here.

A couple in Orange County a week. Huh. Interesting. Were you the one that brought a kid last time? I've never brought a child. Okay. I think he's just thinking that because you sort of look like a character from Bad News Bears or something.

The Walter Matthau one though, right? Right. Like if a Hansen brother took a Kurt Cobain twist. Yeah. Kurt Cobain, like, post-suicide. Oh, wow. Pat. Going forward from three-point range, everybody.

I was going to say the Down syndrome Kurt Cobain. That was the first thought I had. Geez, wow. He just caught his own air ball and missed again. Pat, double bomb. Look out. Two backpacks. Two backpacks located at the scene.

Fuck yeah. I was going to say, I think for a minute, he really did a good job of having a beginning, a middle, and an end. You know? I mean, it was... Seriously. Thank you very much. I'm not done.

No, but really, I mean, you know, it wasn't hilariously funny, but it was getting there, and I like the fact that you tied it together when Jeff was talking about laziness with the first woman up here. It really does show that you worked on it. You know?

That's to your credit. I agree. I mean, it takes a lot to think out a story. Plus, you don't go, um, what am I going to say? You've obviously thought it out. So that we appreciate as an audience. I've been here like three months. I was ready for this. You've been signing up for three months and just not getting up?

You know, give or take. Sometimes I have to work. I'm excited. I'm happy to be here. Are you upset that those two guys that broke out of that prison in New York, they had to fuck your mom to get out of the jail? Whatever helps. I hope she gets out of jail. What does cum smell like? Depends what kind of mood you're in, really.

And why did the blanket have all those things done to it again? We went and had sex in this parking lot of an old restaurant I go to. Why didn't she clean it up, though, is what he's asking. What was the restaurant? It's called Babe's Kitchen in Long Beach. See, exactly. I think that's worth adding in. They make their own jelly, and 92-year-old ladies, the server, it's like the best place in the world. Oh, that's a worth adding in They make their own jelly A 92 year old lady is the server

It's like the best place in the world They make their own jelly And you took a blanket to the what? The parking lot of this diner? Yeah, what I didn't get to because of time It was a nostalgic childhood blanket Like the sick one, you know When we were kids, so my sister saw it

Hadn't seen it for years and grabbed it She was attracted to it Because it was like the one we always wanted when we were sick. And I just fucked on that blanket. I was also in her car. I'm glad you left this part of the story out. Maybe it'll be better if the story ends with your sister fingering out. She still doesn't know.

She'll see it if she ever sees this podcast. That's how the sister finds out. Did you like watching your sister suck on the blanket? Oh, my God. Brian, you're doing your thing, and you went for it. And, uh... Jeez. I was so shocked to see her smiling,

because I thought she would smell something. So what if the joke is this? I'm just... What if she smells it, catches you, basically, and goes, smells just like mom. And then you say whatever you say there. You know, oh, I had to let that sink in. Then she says, yeah, slurpy, whatever it was, and come.

In other words, she figures out that mom smells like she's a nostalgic to her. Yeah. It is mom, and I promised myself I wasn't going to cry. Yeah. Dom went off mic again there. For you podcast listeners wondering what that beat of silence and then laughter was.

That was Dom killing it without a microphone. Dom's been doing a lot of lob shows lately. Back to the handheld. Don't wear a lob around the house. He likes to be hands free. Dom does some Bluetooth thing at home.

Anyway. Do you have a so you have a sister? I do. I have one sister and one step sister. Did you and your when did

how old were you when you and your sister traded haircuts? She well I took the bob like three years ago. You know, you look like you're on your way to go duck hunting in Silver Lake.

Not that. You both do. You could go together. Yeah. He could join my band. You should join the band. Do you play any instruments? Too bad. I can play one of the Saints Come Marching in on harmonica.

Nope. Fuck yeah. Spencer, what do you do for work? Easter bunny. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Hold on a second. Wait a second. Did you say you Easter bunny?

Well, I just did it for the first time on Easter, but I also take care of a dude with Alzheimer's. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Let's not move on yet. I know you want to quickly tell us what your second job is, but obviously you do less than Easter bunying. But you mean, did you go and buy like an Easter bunny suit? What happened first?

What's Easter bunying? Is it what I think it is where you put on an Easter bunny suit? Or is there some cool terminology of something that I haven't heard about yet? Yeah, my boss owns a whole shopping center and I do maintenance for her and stuff and she needed an Easter bunny. She said, here's a hundred bucks, buy a suit, you can be the Easter bunny, I'll pay you X amount of money.

Wow, so you had to get a cheap Easter bunny suit. The hair was falling out down my throat. Anyway. So, you did that one time? Just once. And that's what you answer when people ask you what you do for work? I can't imagine how terrible

these other part-time jobs must be. If that's your go-to. Everyone thinks I'm a redneck and from the south, so if I say maintenance man, it goes along with that. So I say Easter Bunny. But you're Easter Bunny once. That's not a job. I just got a new job. I take care of a dude with Alzheimer's. That's my newest job, so that's a real job that I do.

Does he ever pay you twice in one day? All the time. I got his debit card if you want to go to Cantor's. It's right here. Have you ever gone to the Alzheimer's guy and confused him by dressing up as the Easter Bunny and coming back in the room and putting that suit to work? Wow.

What else? All kinds of stuff. By the way, I love that people... You say people think you're a redneck serial killer, but you have the Easter Bunny suit that is that stereotype from Devil's Rejects where they actually wear shit like that. If a chick finds that in your closet,

which I'm sure is never going to happen, by the way. Do you ever try to sneak into Miley Cyrus concerts for free? I don't have access to the suit at all times. I only get it once a year. I'm not to be trusted. I get things. It'll get dirty. Flipping off Jeff Ross.

Whoa. Do you see him? No. You're the only one with that real camera angle over there. Did he have his middle finger up first? Well, comics on here in the show, from my angle, all the time, they're accidentally flipping people off when they're holding the microphone. Sorry. people off when they're holding the microphone. Sorry.

Pat is going to be watching everyone's fingers, so keep that in mind. Especially for you podcast listeners out there. Pat's the new finger police, obviously. You better watch your fingers.

Fuck yeah. Christopher Walker? Spencer. Calendar. Is that your real name? It's a cool name. Interesting. Good luck, man. There you go. Spencer Calendar.

Spencer Funnyman on Twitter. By the way, I gotta say, because you reminded me that I didn't plug anything, but everybody absolutely listening, you have to go to iTunes and get Jeff Ross Live at Brazos. It's unbelievable. A moving piece that's absolutely hilarious. Can I plug my song on iTunes?

Yeah. Just to disappoint you further, it's called. One of my favorite lines is, every time I think of you, I get distracted by something more interesting. But check it out. It's 99 cents. What the fuck?

What's it called? Just to disappoint you further. Just to disappoint you further. Dom Irera. You sing in it? Oh, he's amazing. I love his music. Swear to God.

He let us listen to it on a Joe Rogan podcast. That's great. And by the way, you can find Jeff Ross on iTunes, too, Swear to God, he let us listen to it on a Joe Rogan podcast. That's great. And by the way, you can find Jeff Ross on iTunes, too, from the hit movie The Wedding Ringer. The Wedding Ringer. I sing two songs, You Are So Beautiful and something else. You really?

Yeah, he was the wedding singer. We sang at the wedding. Oh, cool. You are... Stop. Sort of... Sort of beautiful. Remember Chuck? What was it?

Chuck? Something he used to sing. You are such a rude and insensitive person to me. What was his name? Chuck? You don't know him? Kelly? Chuck.

Chuck. How many times am I going to say fucking Chuck? Chuck. Chuck. Chuck. It's not going to make you know him. I pulled another name out of the bucket. You guys ready for more? I hope it's not Chuck. I you know him. I pulled another name out of the bucket. You guys ready for more?

I hope it's not Chuck. Put your hands together for your next comic. Looks like another new name. Daniel Stublin. Stubler? Stub? Stubler? Stublin?

You know what that means. Daniel Stublin? Really? Not at all? Nobody? Well, Pat, play something on your guitar. I can't think of a better time to mention that I'll be at the Magic City Casino in Miami this Saturday night. Wait, is that Daniel?

Dan Nolan. What? Dan Nolan. No, no. It's not your night, kid. Sit down. So Daniel was blacklisted. Nice try, Dan.

But the real power move would have just to fucking come up here, kids. Sit down. So Daniel was blacklisted. Nice try, Daniel. But the real power move would have just to fucking come up here, man. Yeah, but don't encourage him. Put your hands together for Mike Stoyanov. Here we go. There's gotta be a Mike Stoyanov.

Oh. Mike Stoyanov? Wow. Kick me in the stomach and spit in my face. Blacklisted. There it is. He's gone too.

To never work again in Hollywood. Again, for those of you adding names to your blacklist, it's Daniel Stublin and Mike Stoyanov. Where could they possibly be right now? Fucking each other. Whoa. I guess Brian's taking that question. Do you think possibly because it's so packed

up here that they couldn't get in? Do you have somebody in checking? No, they're sort of all around. When they sign up, they stack all the way. It's that second level right there. Why would they bother signing up and then not show up? It's weird. It's that second level. Why would they bother signing up and then not show up? It's weird. It's weird.

It could be like anxiety. Yeah, maybe. Maybe they got a little scared. Fucking pussies. This is nerve wracking. This could be nerve wracking. Could be. Or it could be a great way

to get exposure and have fun. Fucking pussies. I know this person's here because this is just too funny of a name that they wouldn't show up after signing up. I don't know whether it's their first name or their occupation, but I'm excited because the name is

DJ Lewis. I hope it's a DJ. DJ Lewis. Really enjoy the fact that I'm here in L.A. and gays can get married. That's awesome, right? I just don't understand how there's ever been any kind of argument against it. You know what I mean?

Like, how is that ever debatable? Like, oh, marriage is a union before God. Marriage is a union before God. Well, maybe that is, but I was married once. Yeah. The Lord didn't have shit to do with that union, y'all. I'm gonna tell ya, that was

the devil's work right there. Yeah. He did, however, shine his ever-loving light on that divorce. I ain't gonna lie to you. Glory, glory, hallelujah. Hit that bitch with a lightning bolt if you got one. Hey, Zeus.

And it's weird because, like, what kind of argument do you have against nothing? Westboro Baptist Church, what they got, huh? Signs, huh? Say stuff like, like oh homosexual sex creates natural disasters are you shitting me what kind of x-men mutant sex do you think these individuals are having i can barely call okay now finish I want to hear the rest of it. You just went over your time, but keep going. Was there more, or was that it?

DJ Lewis, everybody. Wasn't that fun? Fucking love it. Like some kind of mysterious, brand new rock star that just came out of nowhere. You have a lot of charisma. Where are you from? Chickamauga, Georgia. Wow.

I have to disqualify myself Why is that? Because he scares the fuck out of me I got enough Jesus, okay I hope you're kidding Hopefully that's a joke, everybody Jeff, is this one of the dudes you roasted at Brazos County Jail?

I don't know, baby I don't know, baby. I don't know, man. This guy seems all right. What was your final thought there? I feel bad you didn't get to... What kind of X-Men mutant sex do these individuals think they're having? Yeah, I can barely cause a small wet stain in my sheets,

let alone a fucking tsunami. That's where I was going. It actually was Thank you very much. It was very much 66 when I was doing it in my car. It was 66. So it was a Westboro Baptist church routine. It was just like there's no argument

against it. Right. That's what it is. What about their other signs? The other signs? They hold up. Well they got that whole thing like Jesus cleanses but the blood of Jesus cleanses. I saw that up on a Tide really does better. I don't think washing it in blood will help your shit out at all. That's a good point.

Yeah, man. You ever try to wash your whites in blood of the lamb? Fuck it up. Fuck it all up. Well said. Go down. No, you're from Georgia. You have no accent. It's weird.

How long have you been out of Georgia? Which was actually what my question was going to be. Two weeks right now. I had a fucking feeling. Look at you. Look at you. You just haven't been broken down yet at all. I've been broken down, buddy.

Well, yeah, not out here yet. You still have your L.A. confidence. It's incredible. I can see it. I see so many people come up here, and you still have Zach. I have no idea what that means. What does that mean? Exactly.

I'll tell you what have Zach. I have no idea what that means. What does that mean? Right, exactly. You're going to... I'll tell you what it means. It means that all the crazy, dark, awful shit that happened to you to get you to Hollywood is going to give you the thick skin and fucking endurance to make it big. The void. Yeah, it's incredible. The darkness, the void. I can't believe you're already not a character

on True Detective. Like, you could be in the intro. You could be at the end. You could be in any part of that show. I could be his mustache. Getting out of that weird mustache. What's his name? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, they know the character. One of the

top shows in the world right now. I love your style, man. Are you a real DJ or is that just your name? Damn, Justin. I have to keep a DJ because I'm on parole. This is one of those guys. This is an instant

Kill Tony breakout. I can feel it. Fuck yeah. How long have you been doing stand-up? Three years. Six. You're a pro, right?

Been on the road, yeah. Been on the road for a minute, man. I can tell you're a pro just by your body years. Six. You're a pro, right? Been on the road, yeah. Been on the road a minute, man. I can tell you you're a pro just by your body language. Right. Way too much confidence. It's not a bad thing. It's a bad thing, buddy. It's... That was pure American gibberish. Blazing saddles.

Blazing saddles. Blazing Saddles. Yeah. Wow. Going for it. It's a horse. Sadiche, you're on hold. Did you leave Georgia on purpose? No, I didn't want to leave.

Right. It was like, They were just like, well, you got to go up there if you're going to do anything with yourself. I love it. DJ might be the first guy to get arrested on this show. Pretty exciting. No, I love it.

So, what have you been doing for work this whole time? First of all, did you start in what did you say the city in Georgia? No, I started in Chattanooga, Tennessee at the Comedy Catch. That's my home club. You don't have to clap for that. Fuck y'all. I don't think

Chattanooga has that big of a following in LA. Not a lot of Chattanooga University graduates or anything like that. I've never been to Chattanooga University graduates or anything like that. I've never been to Chattanooga. What's it like down there? Beautiful. Wonderful. You ever been to Harrisburg, Pennsylvania?

I don't know. What's your family like? How many brothers and sisters do you have? Forty. No, man. I got a slew. Do you own an Easter bunny outfit? Have you ever Easter bunnied? No.

No, no. I mean, I would. Weirdest job you ever did. Weirdest job I ever did? Yeah. Oh, there's a horse in here. Wait a second. What does that mean?

This right here, what I'm doing right now, this is the weirdest thing ever. Oh. Yeah. I see. Well, I got in a knife fight with a... See, that's what more I want to talk about. Oh, yeah, that's what you were working for. You got in a knife fight for money?

Yeah, for money. Back home. You're hilariously honest, and I love it. I got stabbed twice and once in the butt cheek, and I got a... You sure? I do, I swear to God, yeah, I'll show you. But, lol, I mean, I'll show you.

It's okay. What else do you talk about besides gay marriage and the Westboro Baptist Church? Oh, just being from the country, man, and how I feel like we get a lot of bad rap, man. It's not like we're a bunch of dumb hicks, you know? Let me ask you this. What the fuck?

What was that? What was that? Do you say it with a G-A or an E-R? Depends on what I'm listening to. It depends on what I'm listening to. If I'm rocking some Biggie, you know what I'm saying, it's all G-A. But if, actually, there's no side point to that, is there? If you hit the E-R.

DJ Lewis, let me ask you this. We call this the Ron Funches question. He came up with this about like 40 episodes ago and I just love this question. Here we go. What scares you? Bears. Have you come across a bear before?

Yeah. What was that like? Scary. There he is. Keep down, boy. DJ, I had so much fucking fun with you. Welcome to L.A. Kill Tony Breakout. DJ Lewis.

I love it. Listen, guys. Fucking unstoppable. Unstoppable. Do you remember Ernest T. Bass from the old Andy Griffith show no all I ever wanted was a uniform did you just try to do an Andy Griffith show

reference Tom well it is on TV land it's still on the air it's on TV land 8 year olds can watch it I know Fuck yeah everybody It's the Andy Griffith Show

Starring guess who Andy Griffith This week guest starring Comic legend Fritzy It's nice to be here in Mayberry May I bury you Get it Ritchie. It's nice to be here in Mayberry. Ooh, ah, ooh. May I bury you? Get it?

Ooh, ah. He fucking scared the shit out of me. I swear he was in prison. DJ Lewis, what's your Twitter handle? What does that say? Your handwriting is like unbelievable. I don't remember if it's comedy or comedian. You don't remember it, so you just started scribbling like nothingness. Unbelievable. Well DJ Lewis

keep signing up for the show. What if that's David Arquette in character? Could be. Could be. David's one of our favorites around here and lord knows that could be. Here's what appears to be another new name. You guys ready for more? How you guys

doing? They used to have a food sponsor. What the fuck? Yeah, I know. What happened to that? I know. I have a sandwich in my... I know. We miss her. The great Elyse Lane. Russell Peters now has her full-time. Oh, that's right. Full-time job. Oh, good for him. I gotta go to Russell

Peters' podcast. Russell Peters podcast Russell Peters doesn't have a podcast he's more into that making money making money market put your hands together for your next comedian his name is John Horan Hello French fries and a vodka rock John Horan everybody

Come on, put your hands together for him And french fries and a vodka rock John Horan Alright, so I actually had some trouble finding the place today I don't know what's going on My GPS has place today. I don't know what's going on. My GPS has been acting up. I don't know what's going on with it. It's been sounding more and more like my parents, I've noticed.

It's always yelling at me and telling me what to do. Do this or do that or stay straight. It's like, okay, Dad. I am straight. Fun fact. I love girls, but I'm just the worst with them. But you know what? I will say this.

Every time I talk to a girl, I get a little bit more confident that I have Asperger's. It's the worst. But you know, the girls will go up to me and be like, you're smart and funny. Why don't you have a girlfriend?

And they say it like it's my fucking choice. You know, like girls will go up to me and be like, you're, like, smart and funny. Like, why don't you have a girlfriend? And they say it like it's my fucking choice. You know, like, girls are just throwing their pussy. I mean, I'm like, oh, no, thank you. I am full. I had a big lunch. I'm sorry. It's just not the case. You guys like impressions?

Fuck impressions, all right? Enough of your stupid little jokes. How about you get a real job, you little fuck face? That's my dad thanks guys Fuck yeah John Horne You are Without a doubt By far the funniest 8th grader

We've ever had on this show Without question The fact that you signed up for the comedy After school program And you came out and you rocked it like you did is very impressive. You're so funny. Where are you from? I'm from outside of Philadelphia.

Outside of Philly. You don't watch television? I'm from like 40 minutes north. Lansdale. I know Lansdale. God, you're cute. What are you doing after this? I'm just on Maybank Lans.. I know Lansdale. There you go. God, you're cute. What are you doing after this? I'm just maybe laying on top of you.

Just laying on top of you and talk. Is that wrong? Fuck yeah, John. So how long have you been doing stand-up? About four or five years. Wow. Interesting. Are you just visiting LA?

I moved out here about a year ago when I graduated. Did you stand up in Philly? A little bit. I did mostly school up in upstate New York. Where'd you go to school? Ithaca College. Oh. Communications major? Yeah. Couldn't get in Cornell?

What college? Tom, where'd you go? What college did you go to? I went to University of Pennsylvania. Ivy League? No, it was Philadelphia Community College. Come on, Jeff. Come on. It's still a good education, right?

Not really. You know that Philly is the only place in the whole country that they have condiment dispensers in the schools? Really? And I would say to the parents of Philadelphia, if you want your kids to stop having unprotected sex, they should just show their kids

the movie Philadelphia. That was my public service announcement to you Philly people. Boston is the place that there's not one college I could have ever gotten into in Boston. There are kids in Harvard. That's where I went. BU.

Did you really? Yeah, I barely got in, but I got in. We should get to this kid. I'm just thrilled to be out of the house. This is fine. He's fine. It's a moment in the sun. John, let me ask you something. You really hate your dad.

I don't really hate him. He really hates me. Do you have an older brother? No, I have two older sisters And what are their phone numbers? What do they do? One is a pastry chef And one works in sales Never mind

I'm just kidding Big tits? Huge tits, yeah, cool Bigger than yours? I'm just kidding. Big tits? Huge tits, yeah. Cool. Bigger than yours? I bet you're... Hey, Roastmaster, easy. You're right, Dom. It's like a deadly force.

I'll have to... He's fine. He can handle it. So your dad has two daughters and one lesbian. Thanks, man. That's fair to say. What position do you play on the softball field?

Leftout. I love it. John, what do you do for fun? This is fun for me. I go to comedy shows. What else do you do for fun? I do sketch comedy. This is all I have. I'll just keep asking until something exciting comes up.

How many times have you seen Jurassic World? I haven't seen it at all. Oh, really? I'm not a fan. Surprised. Do you guys have any lady advice? Because I feel like I want to give you lady advice. Are you fucking kidding me?

This guy gets more pussy than anybody up here. Calm down, Tony. Calm down. I know. Definitely not. Wow. That one really disappointed Brian. What's your story?

What are you into? What's your dream girl? What's my dream girl? Yeah. What does he look like? What's my dream girl? Yeah, what does he look like? Tom. Really? Do you think your dad thinks you're gay

and doesn't like you? I used to. I think you could meet chicks easy, so you go into comedy as a way to meet women, and your jokes are great. I think it's going to work. Thanks. That was very nice. You're definitely very, very funny, and we definitely want to have you back, but let's talk more about this crazy shit.

When's the last time you hooked up with a girl? I just got out of a relationship. You did? Yeah, about two and a half years. Did she break up with you because you're a weak chin? What does that mean? I don't see a weak chin. Both of his chins look very strong.

I don't get it. Wow. What? I'm just kidding. You're charming. Anyway. Are you ticklish? Yeah, you look ticklish. Yeah, you look super ticklish.

Pat, you want to test him out for size a little bit? I'll just do a little tickle. He's going to freak out. It turns out one of his hobbies is that he won't talk to us about his jujitsu. I like comedy. I like sketch comedy. I like comedy movies, comedy music. And I'll kill you with my bare hands. Pat, it seemed like you wanted to give him lady advice.

What would you say? I just want to hear what a... Just don't text back. Wow. That's it. Wow. Interesting. That's what I've been doing wrong.

Like, ever? Do you ever... Never. Cut off contact. Blocker. are you giving him advice on how to knock it late i'm confused like how would you end up even what do you think why good just because that's that's like that attracts uh that that's attractive to girls and in my opinion if you just don't if you just cut if you just like don't text him back a little bit but then what?

At a certain point, you have to. Well, not forever, yeah. Then text back like... Let me give you some advice. Text back... Boom! That's what I'm talking about. That'll be the Vine.

That'll be the Vine moment right there that I see all week over and over again. There it is. There it is. John Horan. So much fucking fun. So cool. How old are you? 22. You're 22. Fuck yeah. John. You don't look a day

over 11. It's incredible. What's that major in? Television and radio. Okay. Fuck yeah. John. That radio thing has really taken off. Good time to get in the radio market right now.

Three words. Limit your text to three words. Okay. All right, on that note, thank you. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. So how long have you been doing stand-up again? I started when I started college, so I graduated a year ago, so four or five years. And you go up every week, or you take time off?

When I can. I mean, I work a lot, so I've been trying to more. I moved out here a year ago, and when I first got here, I was hitting it harder, but then I was focusing on trying to get a paycheck, and then that made me not go up as much. But recently, I'm trying to do it more. You seem like if you really focused all your energy on comedy you'd

fly through it and start making money in comedy pretty fast I think. You're very funny especially for one minute. You were great. Especially for 22. I started at 22 and I'd shit my pants on this show. I mean the 22 year old me would. I was never

22. I was always old. I remember that. John Horan, I'll send you off again. There he goes. John Horan. He's on Twitter. Cool Horan. H-O-R-A-N. Cool Horan. H-O-R-A-N. Tony, you got more seasoned comics

coming on your show yeah it's fun it's fun and exciting people that arrive from LA sometimes they're just these this is first stop huh people that yeah that nobody's seen yet

so they just blast through here by the way Tony I've seen you grow and grow on this show you're getting so fucking good at this thank you I don't want to make it the Sammy Martland show

but you really are but you gotta fucking lose Red Bear. I can't get... Did you say Sammy Maudlin show? Sammy Maudlin. Is that a character from Andy Griffith? What is it?

No, Maudlin. It's his job. Oh, okay. Sorry, Dom. You lost me. It's Sammy Maudlin. I've never heard it. What's that Asian guy talking about? Oh. I gotcha. Thank you, Dom. It's Sammy Modlin. I've never heard it. What's that Asian guy talking about? Somebody doesn't want to get sappy or sad. Oh. I gotcha.

Thank you, Dom. That's so nice of you. Go blow me. Go and blow me. Always one of our There's no retort to that, is there? You want a french fry? No.

Dom, I mean, you were, what, the 27th best, ranked the 27th best comedian in the world, right? Why do you gotta be fucking hurtful? I was 79

and I was beaten up by Cedric the Entertainer. Why did you have to bring it up? I bring it up every time you've ever been on this show because I think it's so funny. How can I compete with an entertainer? He's an entertainer. He has people over. He puts out a nice spread.

He'd be Cedric the caterer if that was the case. It's just so funny to call yourself the entertainer. I love that. I do find him very entertaining, by the way. Thank you. Who are we bringing up, Joe? I pulled another name out of the bucket.

Put your hands together for Mike Wesley. He's coming. How's everybody doing today? Anybody out there like ice cream? Yeah, me too. I know you can't tell, but ice cream's pretty good. Love ice cream. Except for Rocky Road. Don't like Rocky Road. The reason is, I don't need anything I love that much to remind me that life is full of crap. Anyway, sorry, super nervous up here. I'm not a very confident guy, so I'm trying to do this to get my confidence up. Even in my dreams, last night I kind of had a sex dream.

It's going pretty well. Well, you can't really call it a sex dream if she says no, right? Trying to lose some weight since the first of the year, get back down to my fighting weight. But I haven't been in a fight since seventh grade. I don't think 72 pounds is a reasonable goal. So I thought I'd go for my loving weight. That's the weight where I deserve love again. I think that's about it, right? That's exactly a minute. You're right. Absolutely. Mike Wesley. I love it.

Oh my god, I'm shaking so hard. That's great. You're shaking, you're nervous, you got through it. Is this your first time on stage? No, it's my first time on the show. I've been signing up for probably eight months, but never got on here. Wow, are you serious? Holy shit, this crazy bucket. Sometimes it just doesn't work out for people. It worked out pretty good for me now. Holy shit, this crazy bucket Sometimes it just doesn't work out for people But look at you now You waited so long that when you finally got it You had a half a panic attack in front of everybody

That's truly exciting Your second joke should have been the first joke By the way Can I just say Can I just take a second to say that Dom I think it is so cool that You inspired your younger brother to start doing stand-up and that he's starting

right now. I'm so proud of him. You know, it's amazing to see somebody that nervous because nothing's going to happen. The worst that can happen is you're bombed. Shit your pants. That's probably the worst.

Shit your pants and bomb you're always adding you're embellished I have to pee really bad right now I'm just trying to make it through why did I fucking try to be nice I appreciate it thank you very much

but it's interesting look at how nervous we are but it comes with but you know think about it logically look at how nervous we are. But it comes with... But, you know, think about it logically. Look at these fucking guys. You worried about what they think? Look at their faces. I'm a comedian, yeah.

I worry about what everybody thinks about me. Look at this Marc Maron lookalike. But you know what? It was endearing. What do you do for work? I just started a job Where I answer the phones for An appliance repair company

Oh fuck that's cool Must get tons of pussy doing that I work from home Wow you pick up the phone At an appliance place from home? Yeah it's just on the computer. Or I have really long arms. Oh, you're on fire.

Saved some of the best stuff for the conversation part of the show. I see what's going on. I don't have any jokes about doing that. I used to work at Best Buy, and I had a couple jokes about that. But don't go to Best Buy anymore. Why not? Huh? What happened at Best Buy?

Oh, they're fucking idiots. I got fired because they changed my schedule and they didn't tell me. So, yeah. So I got to work and they said I was six hours late. They were trying to get rid of me anyway. I really didn't like it there. You had to have had previous write-ups.

They usually wouldn't just fire you on the first attempt. What other write-ups do you have? Good question, Brian. Being like 15 minutes late because of the bus and shit. Like the bus? They wrote me up once for calling in sick, even though I called in, you know, whatever. It was bullshit.

They just wanted to get rid of me because I wasn't happy on the floor. You were a tough customer, huh? Yeah, I don't have the patience to deal with stupid people on the floor with the questions that they give me. What were some of the questions that you hated the most? Where's the electronics department? Because there's huge signs everywhere.

The whole store is an electronics department, Tony. Did anyone laugh when they were like, do you know where the treadmills are? No. I used to give people a hard time when they asked me if I knew where the bathroom was. Those dicks. How could they dare ask that question?

Don't they know that's racist and inconsiderate? I know where the bathroom is. Oh, you would give them that answer? Yeah Oh, what a dick Wow So you're like the guy who says see you next year to people

On the 31st? Yeah No, I never did that You hear a siren and it's like, oh, they're coming to get you Start saying the name When the security system would go off, if somebody was walking out the door, I'd say get them.

I can't believe they fired you. Yeah. I was way better in the warehouse. I wasn't supposed to be on the floor. I told them that. Jesus Christ. Did anybody ever mean to you any of the times that you like were a dick to them did it get a little out of control sometimes

I mean by the way picturing you in a big blue polo is just hilarious I just can't tell you how funny you must have looked in that best buy like what's her name from Willy Wonka yeah the blueberry girl anyway yeah that's what they used to call whenever What's her name from Willy Wonka? Yeah, the blueberry girl.

Anyway. Yeah, that's what they used to call whenever a bunch of employees would gather around. They'd call it blueberry patches, stuff like that. Yeah, that sounds like fun. Yeah. Those guys had a great sense of humor. Yeah. What'd you do before Best Buy?

I worked at In-N-Out for nine years. Wow, nine years. All right, more In-N-Out for nine years. This is the part. More In-N-Out, huh? That's back when I was actually thinner. When I got to be 30, then I started to gain the weight and

couldn't lose it again. That's why I have the trying to get down my fighting weight joke. That was a good joke. I like that one a lot. It trying to get down by fighting weight joke. That was a good joke. That was a good one. I like that one a lot. It killed, too. The audience liked it.

Yeah, you did really good. You have potential. Now you got to get a day job at Ross Dress for Less. Come back here looking good. I love it. Mike, what else? What are you afraid of?

What am I afraid of? Yeah. Afraid that people don't like me. Do you always get that nervous on stage? No, this is... I've been wanting to get up here for so long that I'm trying to calm down now. I think it's just adrenaline now.

You're fine now, though, right? Yeah, my heart's still beating pretty quickly, but... Well, I think it's just adrenaline now. You're fine now, though, right? Yeah, my heart's still beating pretty quickly. Well, I hope it's still fucking beating. You sure it wasn't from the steps coming up here? No, actually, my cardio endurance is pretty good because I've been swing dancing for like 17 years. Swing dancing? Yeah.

Wait a second. Holy shit. You're a swing dancer? Yeah. Look at him. Remember when swing dancing was cool in 98? Yeah. No.

I was scoring at zippers. Yeah. Well, some people stopped after that, but I never did. You're still doing it, huh? Yeah. I haven't done it a lot now because I've been trying to get up at shows and stuff like that, but I've been dancing on and off since 98. Can you show us a little?

Yeah, of course. Come on. Hit him a little something. He doesn't want to do it now, but if the music starts playing and the crowd gets crazy. It's a partner dance. I can't do it on my own. Oh, shit. Oh, shit.

No, it's a partner dance. Oh, he's going to break into it any second. He's gonna do it. Kim Cossett's gotta help him out. You gotta help him out. She has to help him out. It's, by nature, it's a partner dance and I can't do it. Wow.

Oh shit. The brothers are dancing. They're dancing at Rarer's. I think I just got rejected by a dude. Oh, my God. That was beautiful. You're a good man. This is a big night for you, man.

You've been trying to get on for eight months and you fucking did it, dude. And there he goes. A great, great next time. There you go. There you go. It's a plate of fries. Take them. Come on.

I'm trying to watch my girlish figure. Fuck yeah. So do you do swing dancing to lose weight? No I just do it to have fun Have you ever met a girl swing dancing And actually went out and swing danced With a date? Swang?

Well the first Swang? And are all swing dancers? The first date that I ever went out by myself I met a girl that I dated for two years And after that I've never met anybody else That wanted to date me Oh god

Swing dancing Tony this guy's gotta get a date Give out his Twitter so he gets a date Everybody All the ladies out there Take Mike West out Or I mean Mike Wesley. His Twitter handle

is Mike Q Wesley. Mike, we had so much fun with you. Thank you very much. We gotta get Mike a date. Come back next week, Mike. Is that a fanny pack? Do you have a fanny pack? It's a sling. It's a sling. Fuck yeah.

Jeff, where are you going? What's going on? They said they wanted the French fries. Oh, I love it. Jeff. They have yet to wait on me here. Sorry about that. What happened there?

Everything just got weird. No, I said, she said, I'll have them. I heard it. So I gave some lady in the audience french fries. Okay. I'm going to go with Troy Zuzu, everybody. Zuzu. Zuzu. I'm from the Czech Republic, and I've been asked a few times if all the girls in Czech Republic are like me.

And yes, they're just like me. In fact, if you're ever dating me and they send me back to my country when my visa expires, you can just write to the embassy back in Prague and they'll send you another girl, exactly like me. And you can stop from wherever we left off. Everything up here is backed up on Google Cloud. I'm powered by Android. In Czech Republic, we have a lot of jokes about Americans. And you probably have a lot of jokes about us too, right?

No? Yeah, you're like, where the fuck is Czech Republic? People in Czech Republic can be really racist sometimes Especially against gypsies Any gypsies in here? No? Good racist sometimes. Especially against gypsies. Any gypsies in here? No? Good.

No, don't get me wrong. Fuck yeah. Zuzu. Fuck gypsies. I gotta tell you, Caitlin, you were hilarious. Oh shit. Zuzu just gave you the You better check yourself I'm kidding

What is the Troy Is Zuzu the name? Well actually Troy signed up But he said that if he gets picked I can go instead of him I love that What is Zuzu? Troy doesn't do stand up I know Troy he said that if he gets picked, I can go instead of him. I love that. There you go. What's your name?

Troy doesn't do stand-up. I know Troy. Yeah. Oh, I got it. So he co-signed for you. I guess, yeah. I see what happened there. So what's your name? Zuzu. Oh, your name is Zuzu. Well, it's actually Zuzana, but that's what my name became when I went to France and that's what they did with my name, yeah.

Interesting. When do you have to go back? What? When do you have to go back? Oh, I don't have to go back. That's the weirdest, creepiest noise you just made. Oh. You don't have to go back.

You already got one, huh? Did you get married here? Not yet. Yeah, I'm still waiting for the green card. I'm surprised you didn't get in trouble when you killed Apollo Creed in Rocky IV. It's all flungering. Yeah.

What does it say behind your ear? You have a tattoo. Oh, it says, why not? Yeah. Exactly. Why not? Yeah. What do you do for fun?

This. Oh, jeez. Do people just not get it? No, I don't. Like, everybody, take it from Mike Wesley. Just give us your swing dancing first, okay? Don't just sit on swing dancing. Because for comedians, nothing else matters except

this. Yeah, it's true. I should say, other than comedy, what do you like to do? I like to travel and I study fashion design, so I like to sew and make design stuff, yeah. Have you ever quilted?

No, I have not. I could teach you sometime if you want you're in the fashion you done modeling oh yes yeah okey-dokey I love this you answer this like it's a dumb is your photography business still active yeah active. Yeah. Did you make that shirt? No. It's interesting. There's something about it that's very pot mitt. I guess you have to sort of

see it close up. It has that cross design. Okie dokie. That one's just for me and Brian. Are you ticklish? Oh my god. Yes. Pat? No, Pat, don't do it. Are you ticklish? Oh my god. Yes. Boom. Pat?

No, Pat, don't do it. This is another one where I'm worried about your safety, Pat. I feel like she'd beat the shit out of you in a second. She'd just break your own guitar over you. Have you ever had to kill a man? Huh? Have you ever had to beat up a guy in the Czech Republic? Because I've seen videos and stuff.

Those Russians and Czechs, they get crazy. You guys just have dash cam videos and crazy shit goes down all the time. Craziest thing you've seen in the Czech Republic? Oh, really? Like what? No, what is it? Wait. Why would you think that we wouldn't know the Czech Republic?

Well, I know you do, because there's a lot of Czech porn on the internet. Oh, it's incredible. What sort of defines Czech porn? I don't know, actually. They don't want to do it, usually. I don't watch it, because... They're forced.

Zuzu, we've got to move on to the next part of the show. Thanks for coming up here. Are you on Twitter? Are you on Twitter? No. Well, I am, but I don't use it, so... I don't remember it. Zuzu's not on Twitter. That hasn't made it to the Czech Republic. Are you on MyFreeCams?

Oh, my God. Brian. Brian, you're out of control. There she goes goes Zuzu everybody we're going right down the straightaway everybody this is it our final descent this is the part of the show where our two regulars that always do a brand new minute every single week go on

going up first tonight you know her as the regular here regular on the Ice House Chronicles drop out out of the University of Florida after her first time ever on stage here on Kill Tony. She's been doing it every week since. Put your hands together for Kimberly Congdon, everyone. Here she is.

Thank you. Recently I started dating someone new which is great. It's going great except we have a problem. He has a very attractive female friend that

he's with all the time, and every time I bring up my jealousy about it, he says, it's fine. She's like my sister. And I'm like, well, Chris, you're from the South. So that does nothing for me. I'm not an idiot. I have HBO and I watch Game of Thrones

I know what people do with their sisters but I'm super cool I'm like okay that's fine I'll be cool with your sister Megan if you're fine with me hanging out with my brother 9 inch Jamal I feel like that's an even trade there's always tricks in a relationship if you're fine with me hanging out with my brother, nine-inch Jamal. I feel like that's an even trade.

There's always tricks in a relationship. Like, with guys in general. Like, if you go over to a guy's house and you want to have sex with him, and he says he doesn't have a condom, just say, never mind, and one will appear. Boom. Another new minute from Kimberly Condom. She did it again.

I like that condom joke. It's so true, too. I've made condoms out of saran wrap before and rubber bands. Well, usually they just have real condoms, and they'll be like, I don't have one. And I'm like, alright, never mind. And you start getting dressed, and they're like, well, maybe I can find one around here. It's like, you had one the whole time.

But I'll still fuck you. Have you ever done the run around the house where you're like, please don't change your mind, please don't change your mind, and you're checking all your drawers and suitcases and stuff? No? Are you asking us? Dom, when's the last time you used a condom?

I have one on right now. You never know. Take a seat. Dom, you've been on this show a bunch of times. You've seen Kim a bunch of times. Anything you want to say about, you know... I know how hard it is to write and to write a minute a week is really,

it sounds ridiculous, but a minute of, I mean, because 30 seconds was really like a couple good jokes. I mean, you know, it's like fucking hard. So, you know, it's, but I don't know where you're going to go with it because there's no like minute TV shows. No minute.

Here, welcome to the minute TV, welcome to the minute TV show. we're going to get right to it and thank you so much everybody I just think you're doing a great job thank you I know you so I'm already prejudiced in liking you but even the way

you weaved in the whole nine inch thing it wasn't just a cheap dick joke it was clever an expensive dick joke Jeff It was clever. Yeah. An expensive dick joke. Yeah. Jeff, any parting words for Kim? Awesome job, as always.

I like the Southern thing. I feel like there's something there. I don't know. Maybe the punchline was too obvious a way to do it, but I think... How often do these bits come into your regular stand-up when you're creative here? I have about 15 minutes now, and they're all 15 solid minutes,

and they're all Kill Tony jokes. That's great. Everything I've ever used, I use in my stand-up. Anything that hits, I use, because why not? That's so cool. People laugh. You ever watch the Andrew Griffith show? Uh-uh.

Yeah. Yeah. Whoa. Fuck yeah. There you go. Okay. Well, there you go. You did it it again Another new minute from Kimberly Congdon Follow her on Twitter, Kimberly Congdon

Instagram, everything Our only other regular Also writes and performs a new minute every single week The always goofy stylings The great Sarah Weinshank, everyone. Briefcases. Who's still carrying them? I'd like to talk to a briefcase person

so I can get briefed as to why they're still carrying one. Briefcase people always seem like they have somewhere else they'd rather be. Excuse me, can we keep this brief? I don't know if you've seen or not, but I am carrying a briefcase. The only thrills a briefcase dude gets

is from beating his wife. case dude gets is from beating his wife. After he finds her sneaking into his briefcase. I guess carrying a briefcase is fine but it still doesn't make up for the sex which is brief.

Fuck yeah. 52 seconds of thunder and lightning. Added. Connecteded right into the mix It's another wine shank goofy bit About something inanimate that you Bring to life it's incredible Have you guys ever bought a briefcase before Like I own a briefcase

I did right as I got out of college Started working as a business person In New York I thought I'd be cool I had a maroon briefcase. You still have it? No, I don't know what. I feel like I probably gave it to someone who was younger and wearing a raincoat or something. But it's good you sized it up.

You summed it up. What made you think of that? Do you know somebody who carries a briefcase? Yeah, well, I see, like, I don't know anyone my age that carries a briefcase? Yeah. Well, I see like... I don't know anyone my age that carries a briefcase. And I feel like it's kind of just an extra thing. Like... Yeah. It seems like 1950s.

Like, who the fuck carries that stuff? What's interesting is... Hipsters. Easy. Architects. They didn't... Lawyers. Probably some doctors.

But why don't they wear book bags? That's what I don't understand. Back some doctors. But why don't they wear book bags? That's what I don't understand. That's what they've done is they've added a strap. It's almost like there was nobody until like 2000. They're like, wait a second, we could put a fucking rope over this thing and just put it over

our shoulder and all of a sudden it's not a briefcase. Yeah, but briefcases are hard. I remember Buddy Hackett, mentioned him again, had a fucking briefcase, and he opened it up, and it was a bottle of whiskey in it. It's much easier to put that in a briefcase than a fucking knapsack. Wow, that's so cool.

Briefcases for a real man. Yeah. You know what? I think this is going to be your signature bit. This is going to do for you briefcases like what Hot Pockets did for Jim Gaffigan. I agree. I agree.

Sarah, unbelievable. So fun. She's got a great rhythm to her. Yeah. She did it again. Another brand new killer 60 seconds. Who makes Daddy Brown? 52. So fun. Briefcases, everybody. Hashtag briefcases.

At Sarah Weinshank on Twitter and everything and Instagram. We got through it, guys. That's episode 112 of Kill Tony. Hello to our friends on Ustream and Periscope, the hundreds and hundreds. Pat Reagan's on Twitter at Patty Reagan. Check me out on YouTube.

I do makeup tutorials. Kirstein Danger is my YouTube name. Check out his music video. And Dom Irera. At Dom Irera. At Dom Irera. Hey, guys, you were a great crowd. Thank you.

Yes, you were. Unbelievable. Jeffrey Ross, the Roastmaster General, everybody. Thank you very much. Live at Brazos County. What is it? The Magic... I'll be at the Magic City Casino in Miami this weekend,

and I'll be at the Montreal Comedy Festival. I hope you come see me live. Yes, I'm going to be in Montreal, too. Me, too. We're going to be doing some crazy shit. You are? Oh, great. Pat Reagan, as well.

And Montreal. I'll be at the Del Coronado, where they film something like a hot. San Diego. And I'll also at the Del Coronado where they film something like it hot. San Diego. And I'll also be in Toronto at Toronto's Just for Laughs. So if you're in Toronto, sure, see me there. Follow the show.

Crazy shit's going down. Fun to have you guys. Brian Redband. Toronto, San Jose, coming to Boston and Rhode Island. And we're going to be at the Ventura Comic Con. So check that out next month. Ventura.

Oh, Wednesday, secret show. We got a bunch of crazy people here in the main room. It's crazy surprises. And we have, before we leave, our artist. He draws a picture starting at the beginning of the episode. By the end of the episode, the drawing is complete. It's Ryan J. Ebelt, ladies and gentlemen, with a brand new picture drawn during the

show. Un-fucking-believable as always. Twitter, Ryan J. Ebelt. Instagram, Ryan J. Ebelt. That is so fucking cool. Ryan J. Ebelt is a monster. How you draw that in an hour and a half blows my fucking mind. Live audience, thank you one more time. So much fun.

Kill Tony. Great show, Tony. Great show. Bitch, you're where I probably go to jail If I shoot at your identity and bounce to the left Stuck a flag in my city, everybody screaming Compton, I should probably run from Mary when I'm blind Tony Addison, I put that down my mama and my baby boo Too much in the world, I never caught no Oh yeah, fuck the church, I made it past 25 And now I'm one saloon, I be at it Nigga with the world behind him

Light face shit, but a fat vagina Screaming, Annie, are you okay? Annie, are you okay? Limitin' it with a gold play Straight from the bottom, it's the belly of the beast Outro Music you you