KILL TONY - KILL TONY #118

Episode Date: September 23, 2015

Jerrod Carmichael, Dan St. Germain, Allison Macofsky, Melissa Eslinger, Tony Hinchcliffe, Pat Regan, Josh Martin, Brian Redban - Date: 08/24/2015 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This is Kill Tony Volume 3. You can now subscribe to Kill Tony on iTunes. Search the iTunes Store and search for Kill Tony and hit subscribe. Rate and review this show so we can have a good first month on iTunes. Maybe we can get in the top 20 or something weird like that. So hit subscribe, rate and review our show. Just search the iTunes store for Kill Tony.

Also, don't forget, you can also subscribe to Death Squad on iTunes. Just hit subscribe for Death Squad, especially for all the past episodes of Kill Tony from Volume 1 and 2. And go to DeathSquad.tv to click on Tour Dates and you can see where me and Tony and all the Death Squad universe is. Me and Sam Tripoli, next Friday, which is October 2nd, will be in Fresno, California.

Me and Tony Hinchcliffe will be going back to Ohio and Pittsburgh during the Thanksgiving holiday, so keep an eye out for that. Also, every Monday, me and Tony do Kill Tony at the Comedy Store Belly Room. Every Tuesday, we have Roast Battle, which is Verbal Violence, the podcast. And then every Friday, we're at the Ice House

in Pasadena, California. All this can be found at DeathSquad.tv by clicking on Tour Dates. And don't forget to go to Tony Hinchcliffe's website for all his merch and tour dates, TonyHinchcliffe.com. And last but not least, please check out ShopSquad.tv.

That's the official Death Squad store. All the merchandise and T-shirts and hats and mugs and all the Death Squad goodies there. All the money we make from that goes directly to Death Squad and getting you these awesome, fresh podcasts. All right, guys. Here's a brand new episode of a brand new Kill Tony, Volume 3. Hey, this is Red Band coming to you live from the world famous comedy store for a brand new episode of Kill Tony

Volume 3 Get up and Tony Hedges! Yeah! We have a new intro song everybody It's been like 9 months since we've had a new intro song. Wow, I didn't even know when to come in right then. Hi, everybody.

Happy Monday, everyone. Welcome to Kill Tony. Make some noise, live audience. It's a real live show. Hello to the many, many viewers live on Ustream right now and on Periscope and so many other great things. Guys, make some noise for Pat Reagan, everybody. He's the band leader here at Kill Tony.

A truly evolved and established position. Pat, you've been having some fun shows the past couple months that you've been with us. On Kill Tony or other shows? Is his mic on?

On all shows. All of the above. It's been a lot of fun having you be part of the thing. It's been a roller coaster. How are things? Things are good, baby. Last week we had Sarah Silverman and Doug Benson.

Yeah. And we had a lot of fun. I corroborate that. You what? I corroborate that. Yeah. You go along with it. Pat Reagan, everybody.

We had so much fun last week. We saw the evolution of the show. It's so fun. Guys, Kill Tony Volume 3. This is the first episode with new regulars and a new intro song. Are you guys excited to be part of history or what? It's happening.

Still, even on a night without an open mic, over 40 comedians signed up for the chance to do 60 seconds on this stage and talk to us. And anything can happen. We always have. Well, let's talk about dates coming up, shall we? We forgot to do that last week.

Yeah. We're going to be in Arizona next month. What is it? September. Arizona, September 17th. 17th. Toronto at the end of September. Yeah.

And Ohio about to be announced Thanksgiving weekend. So we can be home with the fams. Yes. And other great things. So stay posted for all the tour dates. We have to do that every week. I forgot to do that last week. Yeah.

You know, it's also a historic Kill Tony for another reason. Why? It was the first Kill Tony that Tony has performed on Klonopin. Yeah. No shit. Slow motion right now. There's something weird with the lighting or something. I don't know.

Maybe I'll get better as the episode goes on. Something weird with the marijuana, maybe? I don't think so. It's just probably like a sugar imbalance. You know, something weird. I drink a lot of coffee. It's a crazy lifestyle, guys. I haven't gotten drunk in a couple nights. That probably has something to do with it.

My body's like, what the fuck are you doing right now, Tony? Because I'm clean and pure. Speaking of clean and pure, nothing's more pure than a blank page, everybody. And that's where we start with artist Ryan J. Ebelt, everyone. He draws every single episode. Whatever happens tonight, he's gonna draw. Right now,

it's a blank page, but as you'll see at the end of it, it gets fucking crazy. So guys, let's bring up tonight's guests. Are you ready for this? Not ready? Guys, I'm gonna bring up one half of tonight's guests. You know him. You love him.

He's been on Kill Tony before. Comedy Central, everything. The one and only Dan St. Germain, ladies and gentlemen. Sit here. Yeah. Dan St. Germain, everyone. Thank you for having me back, Tony. Yeah. Dan St. Germain, everyone. Thank you for having me back, Tony. Yes.

We had so much fun talking with newer comedians with you last time you were on. I'm a friend of comedy. It's true. It's true. You have the most likable head I've ever seen on a movie. Yeah. Yeah. I feel like if Cecil the Lion didn't get shot but drank himself to death at a DMV, this

is what it would look like. Wow. Starting it off with a hard bomb. That was a hard bomb. I didn't think that was a silence joke. Holy shit. Maybe more like a sexy Santa Claus. Thank you.

I appreciate that. Every week I have Pat Reagan ask my guests a question. Pat, ask your question to Dan. Hi, Dan. Hey, what's up, Pat? Right off the bat. Yeah. Who's got the best nips in showbiz?

Oof. That's tough. That's tough. Dick Gregory. I don't know. Guys, round of applause for Dick Gregory. You know, realistic answer, Marissa Tomei in The Wrestler was pretty good. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Big areolas on her. Darkened. Pat, who's your favorite set of nipples in comedy? Favorite set of nipples? Ooh, I'd have to go with a classic Arnold Schwarzenegger. It's attached to such a perfect bod, but I'm talking like

when he was in that documentary Pumping Iron in the 70s. Wow. Very classic comedy. Wow. Pat Reagan from Three Point Range going with a deep Schwarzenegger reference that nobody could get. You guys should watch

that movie. I love it. And very well known for being a comedian also. This is the part of the show where I wonder if I stall to wait for our guest, our other guest, or do you think I should just roll with it? Josh Martin, what do you think? It's not here.

Somebody do a Josh Martin impersonation with an answer. Just, uh, Jaron Stantreus and Peter Thune. Jesus. Martin impersonation with an answer. Just J-Rod Stuntrails and you'll be here soon. Jesus. Happy birthday to Josh Martin. Yeah, happy birthday, Josh Martin.

You guys come see my band play tomorrow at Harvard and Stone. You guys know Harvard and Stone? 11 p.m. Baby Boys. Playing tomorrow. Way to get a plug in there, Pat. And guess what? Baby Boys kickback Friday, June, September 4th. Wow, there it is. The Angry West Hollywood

Barry. As you guys know, comedians sign up for the chance to do 60 seconds on this stage. I have a bucket full of people that just signed up within the hour to get on this show tonight. I pull a name up, they come up, they do 60 seconds, and they talk to us. Comedians, you know your 60 seconds is up when you hear the sound of a kitty. Aw, that's adorable. Make sure you wrap it up right then or else you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood Wow.

We gotta figure out a way to get that bear's timing a little bit better. That was called a dramatic pause. That was Pat Reagan timing. Why do you always defend the bear like you're in charge of it or something? I get him. I understand him. I understand. Josh Martin, are you around anywhere?

It's the funniest thing the whole joke on Josh is how bad he is but now he's not even around oh hey there he is oh very good I'll have a crown and coke whenever you get a chance Josh Martin everybody takes care of everything wrangles the guests

gets us drunk oh fuck I could recommend a great TV show. Oh, yeah? Yeah. Is it on NBC? No, it's on Hulu. Oh.

Celebrity Wife Swap with Corey Feldman. Oh, God. When you start a tweet brand, you really go for it. And somehow, like, I actually know what you're talking about just from reading your tweets last night. You tried to bury this poor guy's career. It is one of the most shocking shocking horrific things you'll ever see to the point where i want to support tommy davidson so go see tommy davidson live because he took his angels into the house with his family and man that dude is like wow check it out what does cory feldman do uh well cory feldman has like this big thing where he has these girls that are hypnotized under his control.

And he makes them do certain things. And it's very kidnappery. What's that? Stockholm Syndrome. What does he do to them? Like the same shit that Michael Jackson probably did to them. What the fuck? Really?

From behind. So makes them have a good time? Yeah. Shows them magic? It's just please watch it and get back to him. What the fuck? Really? From behind. So makes them have a good time? Yeah. Shows them magic? Just please watch it and get back to me. Let's them play with his monkey. Let's them play with his monkey. Say it a second time.

Oh. Does Corey Feldman have a monkey? Yeah, with one really long pubic hair that goes down his leg. Yeah, he calls it monkey. He's like, this is my monkey. And they're like, that's a pube. And he's like, climb my monkey tree. Well, you know, that might be the show that you want to watch.

That's on Hulu. Celebrity Wife Swap season what? It's just the latest episode came out two days ago. But I'll tell you what show I want to watch. And that's NBC has a brand new show coming out on... Oh, hey, everybody. It's Gerard Carmichael from The Carmichael Show on NBC

this Wednesday at 9 p.m. You smell really good. You're very kind. Thank you very much. I appreciate it. Hey, you guys. Sorry I'm late. Welcome. I know. You just did Conan today, Marc Maron today, and now he's doing Kill Tony. Getting that Kill Tony podcast cut.

Kill Tony. We know. I know real buzz. After a long show business day like that, he comes right back to the roots, the belly room of the comedy store. I'm excited. Let's judge people. Right.

You've gone through a long day of getting judged yourself, so it's time to let it rip on other people. Yeah, I got a lot built up right now. Every week, Pat Reagan asks the guests a question. Yeah. So he already asked Dan. What's up, man? Fire off at Gerard. What do you got for Gerard?

All right, Gerard. So I imagine it's pretty rewarding doing a TV show, But what are the grueling shitty parts about it? The shitty parts about it? Good question. That's a great question. Yeah. Because I'm trying to answer without like complaining. Yeah.

What's that? Getting fired. Yeah. Well, really, I mean, it's all like fun battles because I care about it. Not to give like the what up, but it really is. I care about it. So it's all like fun, even though I care about it. It really is like I care about it so it's all like fun even though I

hate marketing. That's like the shittiest part but who am I to complain about? Oh, marketing. There's like real problems in the world. So I don't want to complain about it but I'll say marketing because I want to answer. Marketing. Yeah, man. Marketing is a...

Speaking of marketing, you can catch the Carmichael show Wednesdays at 9 p.m. Thank you very much. Which is, here's the thing, so much better than NBC marketing. Right? Our friend Tiffany Haddish is on the show, and a lot of our friends are involved

with the show, Willie Hunter. Yeah, absolutely. They're great. That's the best part of just being able to work with friends. And know tiffany's really really great and laurel and willie yeah so that's the best part that's the gerard and i used to wait in hours hours and hours in lines at open mics and waiting for each other and doing the entire grind together 2007 8 9, 10 and to see I mean look, you have your own show on NBC Wednesdays at 9

I have a podcast that gets 55 people to show up every Monday I just love that we are It's all love, people love you that's the beautiful thing You guys both made it And Dan St. Germain everybody

I'll be selling my plasma after this show So that's where I'm at Guys, so let's get into it The bucket is filled with names And you remember, guys They get 60 seconds uninterrupted And then we get to talk to them about whatever we want in the entire world Guys, are you ready for Kill Tony?

Volume 3! The first comedian of Volume 3 of Kill Tony goes by the name of Vince Royale. Hey. Yeah, I was an orphan growing up. I had to learn about the birds and the bees from the older kids. It was awkward. When I was seven, my boy John came by with a dirty movie, and he's like, watch this, Vince.

This is how babies are made. I'm like, ew. Took ten guys. I don't want to make babies with my friends. That changes when you get older, though, right? I'm a team player now. Yeah, my dad left when I was ten, and I can never forget the words he said to me as he was leaving.

I was standing by the door, and he looked me in the eyes, and he said, excuse me. I was blocking the door. That's it. Thank you. That's exactly a minute from Vince Royale. Fuck yeah, Vince. This is your first time on the show, right? Yeah, this is my first time.

I love it. How long have you been on stand-up? Seven years. Wow. Where are you from? Jersey City. Where? Jersey City.

I'm living in Long Beach now. How long have you been in Long Beach? About two years. Fuck yeah. Two years, LBC. I like your style, man. What do you do for work? I do clinical studies.

You're so plasma. Meaning you are actually a patient and you do different clinical studies, or you're a doctor that does these studies? No, I'm a patient. I don't think he's the doctor Brian I mean it's very it's very flexible you know I I do clinical studies basically because it frees up my time to do comedy and they give you thousands of dollars to basically test drugs that are not FDA approved yeah yeah my our friend Yoshi Abayashi does it,

but he acts like he has things he doesn't, like high blood pressure and AIDS and stuff. So do you fake your illnesses? Do you have any idea we're here right now? I changed my diet to develop gout, so I could qualify for a study. I will say this. Yeah.

Really? You talk about us just like those years i did a weight loss study once you did and i should say this one thing i had a friend who made sure i got the placebo that worked at the thing because i was afraid it was gonna speed my heart rate up because i'm but yeah and yeah they're right you get thousands of dollars do you remember how much you got paid for that i got paid sixteen hundred dollars that's what a great gig sixteen hundred dollars which was almost rent and the last one i did i got paid eighty five hundred dollars because i told them i had schizophrenia so i why you see what i'm saying very profitable so what did you have to do for the schizophrenia one no i just you know just act like I had Tourette's or something.

Right, right, right. But what did they do to you? Oh, they injected me with drugs twice a week. Oh my god, dude. Injected you? Yeah, so far so good. I've only had... I didn't go that far. I took one pill. I've only had two heart attacks.

So it's fine. Alright. Without trying to be funny. My erections last four hours. Again, without trying to be funny. He just said something horrifying before a dick joke. He's like, yeah, I watched my brother die in a boat, but

not like this boat, am I right? Fuck you. Alright. Are you still under that trial? You already completed this. No, no. I have to wait until the drug washes out of my system to do another one.

You don't want to mix drugs. You don't want to do that. Yeah, you wouldn't want to do anything unhealthy. I give myself 60 days for the drug to wash out. I drink a lot of cranberry juice and apple cider vinegar. Did you just become Italian out of nowhere? Dude. Your Jersey side just came out of nowhere on that.

You were white Mexican guy before, and then all of a sudden you're Jersey. Italian Josh Martin. It comes out when I get excited. I'm sorry. Okay, Ben, stick with me here. So, like, when you had to pretend like you had schizophrenia, can you give us an example, like, the type of shit you would say or do? No, I would just like not pay attention.

When they were interviewing me, I would pretend I'd zoned out and just ignore it. It's just like being in a relationship, you know, just just like zoned out when they would ask me like serious questions. You know, I would just, you know, I don't know. You know what? You know what? Like that was that was actually like being in a relationship. That wasn't unfunny what he just said, but we were so horrified by the thing beforehand that we're just ruminating on it.

It's really not that bad. It's not that bad. It really is when you have like a heart attack or something because you're supposed to be happy. Do you really have a heart attack? Yeah, just twice. Oh, my God, dude. Hold on, hold on.

He wasn't being funny. No, that's what I mean. It's like crazy. No, but it was a slight heart attack. My heart released some sort of- There's no such thing as a slight heart attack. You either had a heart attack or you had a goddamn heart attack. My heart released some sort of enzymes and they told me that I shouldn't be doing the studies anymore.

Yeah. You know you can drive Uber, right? There's that. There's like Lyft. I have a DUI, so I can't do that. Wow. Holy shit. Now, was that a study you did?

No, no. That was another thing. When you're getting injected with anti-schizophrenia medicine, you also drink? No, you don't do that. You can't drink while you're in the study. They actually forbid you. They do a drug test, urine test.

You have to make sure you're a healthy volunteer. And you're a stickler to the rules. Yeah, yeah. How long did you have to take the medicine for? How many weeks? There's different studies. I've done as long as 30 days. But that one paid me about $15,000.

And that's good. You know what's funny? It's just how it started and people were just like, poor guy. You got to do clinical trials to make money. And then slowly it's being revealed that you make more money than all of us. Because the number is going up. I did one for eight grand. Then I did one for $35,000.

That was a whole Tuesday. He's got a tail now. Or he's completely lying and he's a schizophrenic. Maybe he really is schizophrenic. I didn't think of that. It really is flexible.

Like, I could, you know, do one study and be able to do comedy for three months without working. Is this study in the room right now? I don't know. Yeah. Am I really here? So I feel like you're either turning a Wolverine or you with the amount of, like, fucking tests you've done. I'm hoping so. I'm hoping I develop some sort of superpower.

I can't. You gave an amount of time, and now I'm hoping so. I'm hoping I develop some sort of superpower. I can't. When you gave an amount of time and now I'm trying to think how you spend your money. Like the worst. I'm sorry. $15,000

in three months. I was like, man, you got it. You also have. That was one month, right? Yeah. What do you like to spend your money on?

Oh, I just, shit. The real medicine to treat this shit that he's putting in his body. It all goes back to that he's putting in his body? It all goes back to shit that's going in his body. You know, video games.

The cool thing about being in the clinical studies, they have Wi-Fi. I'm going to say it. Surprise. So I can bring my PS4 into the facility. So it's not like I'm bored in there. So you can't leave the facility, but I can bring my PS4 into the facility. So it's not like I'm bored in there. So you can't leave the facility, but I could bring books. Listen, man, I bring books, my PS4.

I'm not allowed to see my family. They can put pictures of my family on the wall. Vince, you keep weaving in and out of making this shit sound horrible. It sounds like, oh, shit, silver lining. Then it's just like, oh, that shit sounded like Auschwitz with Playstations. It's not that bad, man. You can get visitors and stuff.

Was your nurse nurse ratchet? No, my nurses were hot, actually. So that's why. And on top of that, I get a lot of writing done. I wrote freaking two movie scripts and on top, you know, and I find

other I have there's people there that are bored. So sometimes we just set up a folding chairs and I'll start like an open mic.

You definitely need to talk about all this on stage and tag it up because that's like crazy as fuck already. By page 30 of the script, it's no

word dialogue, just pictures of what they're doing. It's my fucking life. and tag it up because that's like crazy as fuck already. By page 30 of the script it's nowhere dialogue just pictures of what they're doing. It's my fucking life. Wow. It's fucking crazy man. I start tracing his face. That's the third act.

I'm sorry. Yeah no besides the heart attack before that I've only got I've only had rashes. I slept for 12 hours and that was that was the only bad side effect. Wow.

Well, congratulations. And I don't even think the rash was from the drug. It could have been like a detergent that I was using. Yeah. I still don't believe the drugs had any effect on me. Other than the heart attack. Yeah, I mean, that, yeah. The two heart attacks.

I can't debate that. That was definitely the drug. Did you have to go to the hospital for these heart attacks? Yeah, yeah. Twice. And I didn't want to tell the doctor what I was doing because I didn't want him to, like, forbid me to start. You didn't want to reveal a heart attack to a doctor? I didn't want to tell him that I was doing clinical studies

because then he'd be like you know you should stop doing that and then my family would worry I don't need to hear that You mean justifiably so because you had a heart attack you said because you're making it sound like they would be they'd be being

unreasonable. But I know why I had a heart, because I was mixing clinical drugs. You know, I was doing two studies at once. I think that you're in an abusive relationship with clinical drugs. It's just like, no, no, no. Yeah, I had a heart attack, but that was me, though. The trial asked for a sandwich. I just wasn't fast enough. Is Royale your last name?

Yes, sir. That's your real last name? No, it's actually Rivera. It's Vince Royale Rivera. I dropped the Rivera because I owe student loan money. I didn't want Sally May to find me if I ever made it big in Hollywood. Now, the reason why

I even asked that question is because Royale, I don't think I've ever heard as a last name before. No, it's a middle name. That's your middle name? Yeah. Wow. Were you born after Pulp Fiction? No.

No, before Pulp Fiction. What if I would definitely legally change it to Royale so I could start a new clan of Royales? Or do a whole bunch of new clinical studies. A new clan of mutant royales. A whole new name. That's how you do two studies. Use two different last names.

Well, Vince, you're definitely the first comedian that's given us an in-depth look at the clinical studies that go on in the comedy scene. What if you have babies with arms sticking out of their fucking elbows? That's not from a clinical study No? No man Yeah you sure? Yeah that's from inbreeding Okay That's not from a fucking clinical study

What nationality are you Vince? It's really not that bad huh? What nationality are you? Filipino and Mexican He used to be Irish But after the study Yeah Vince it was nice meeting you

There he goes Vince Royale everybody follow him on twitter at Vince Royale there he goes I think he thinks he's back at his seat already everybody fixing the mic stand fuck yeah one more time for Josh Martin everybody

getting everybody drinks keeping us all safe Josh. Keeping us all safe. Wait, Josh is keeping us all safe? Yeah. Josh, you keeping us all safe? Nope. In case anybody charges the stage, Josh is the one that takes care of it. That's great.

I'm not doing shit. I pulled another name out of the bucket, everybody. And the next name that I pulled out is Bruce Gray. I love worldstarhiphop.com. My favorite thing about Worldstar is the title of the videos. They tell you everything you're going to want to know about the video. I saw the same video on YouTube that I did on Worldstar. And on YouTube it was called Police Brutality And on Worldstar it was called

Boston Policewoman Tirelessly Beats Man With Baton It's everything you want to know My favorite video on Worldstar is called Guy at Coachella Finds Out He Has AIDS Goes Ballistic on Crowd Gets That Hashtag Ass Whoopin' And that's the whole video. It's a guy, he has papers, he's going crazy,

he's in an AIDS-induced rage, and then he gets the hashtag ass whooping. I just don't know why he's finding out he has AIDS at Coachella. There's a booth that says free giant corn dogs with positive AIDS tests right this way.

All right, that's my time, guys. Fuck yeah. 50 seconds of Bruce Gray. Bruce, have you been on this show before? Yeah, last week. Last week, right? I got a haircut. You got a haircut?

Yeah. Because of something I said? No, it was just overdue. My boss actually told me that I need to get a haircut. How long was your hair? It was long. It was like not too long. Yeah, it was long because I said you were the funniest 11 year old lesbian That we've ever had on the show And I was like I gotta change my look

So this week you come back with a softball cap on Yeah A minor league baseball cap I love it Fuck yeah It looks better Thank you Have I ever told you how much I loved you in Bad Grandpa?

You and Johnny Knoxville in that movie were incredible. That's a really good reference. It's done nothing for my career. If not, go fuck yourself. Really like the jokes, man. Thank you. When you first did the first one, I was like, oh, man, you should pick a better thing. I think you went right into that.

I was high last week, and then I was like, fuck. I, you should pick a better thing. I think you went right into that. I was high last week, and then I was like, fuck. I really didn't expect to get called. So I kind of came prepared this weekend. There's more to it. Dig into that more. Where are you from? I live in Bakersfield, California. Holy.

That's where you've been there. I live there right now. I drove here to do a few mics. But I mean, where were you born? I was born there. Oh, yeah. Okay. Do you know, is Meathead still doing radio over there?

Yeah, I think so. I know what you're doing. I actually don born there. Oh, yeah. Okay. Do you know, is Meathead still doing radio over there? Yeah, I think so. I know what you're... Oh, my God. I actually don't know. It's Crab Radio? What? Yeah, I think so. Yeah, I don't think he is anymore.

I know what you're talking about. Yeah. I did a steak restaurant in Bakersfield once. Really? Yeah, yeah. They paid me in steak. Ooh. That's a real thing.

Do you know who the booker was? It was Francisco Ramos with them. We rolled down to Bakersfield and they paid us in steak but then they said I couldn't get a baked potato unless I was doing 15 minutes or more. Also, I went to Bakersfield

to do less than 15 minutes. So you could just get the steak, no baked potato. I didn't even know I was getting the steak, no baked potato. Just got a steak. Didn't even know I was getting the steak, and I was happy to have that. So they paid you in one steak. They paid me in one steak, yeah.

You basically got a free, delicious steak dinner for stand-up. Wasn't delicious, but it was a steak. It was a steak and no potato. Getting paid in steak is a rare treat in stand-up comedy. It's true. Yeah, I feel like the joke is all at the end And like, the beginning I was like, it's a little convoluted

But the guy freaking out about having an eight I mean, that's a great There's something like, that's just so mindable there, you know Thank you, it's usually longer I was kind of like, fuck, I got to shorten it up a little bit. I think you just start out with – because everyone does fucking world star hip-hop shit anyway, so why don't you just start out with that story?

That's an insane thing to talk about. Bruce, what's your favorite kind of candy? Favorite kind of candy? Bunch O' Crunch at the movie theater. You guys know I'm talking to the box with the little crunch bars? I'm not going to leave you hanging. I know Bunch O' Crunch. Is that Nestle?

It's a Crunch bar, but it's like through a blender. But it's a bunch of them. It's like Crunch bar for babies. It's Crunch bars for babies. Little balls. It looks like popcorn. I feel like it's just me and you. Yeah, you and I enjoy Bunch O' Crunch.

No, it's good. Bunch O' Crunch is good. Wow. Thank you very much. This is all new to me. Put it on the popcorn. Yeah, Fat Guy mode. You can mix it in. Yeah. I hate it when skinny guys can do fat guy

moods and not have like any repercussions at all. Nobody feels bad for him whenever he does that. Like if I was to say I love chocolatey popcorn, people would be like, you're fucking gross. Yeah. People would be like, ah, fuck you. Ah, you like chocolatey popcorn? Fuck you. How long have you lived in Bakersfield?

That was so gross. My whole life. Really How long have you lived in Bakersfield? My whole life. Really? Actually, I lived in Santa Barbara for like 10 months. How old are you? I'm 22. 22. Still in Bakersfield. Yeah, dude, you gotta get to Bakersfield. That's a rough town. Yeah, man. Why is that just hitting me? You drove here

from Bakersfield? Yeah, man. It's like an hour and a half at least. It's hour 20-ish. Jesus Christ. Also, Bakersfield is just emotionally far away from here. Yeah. Bakersfield is like where they hide out in No Country for Old Men. It's a shitty, shitty fucking town.

There's a lot between San Fran and L.A. Yeah, and it's all Bakersfield. It's like that shitty area in that GTA game It's based on Bakersfield, I'm pretty sure It's the top of GTA's map What do you do for fun out there? Stand-up comedy, pretty much I work...

No, he asked what you do for fun There's not much to do for fun So what do you try to do for fun? Hang out with friends. What do you guys do when you hang out? Shitty answer. Stand-up comedy. Come on.

It's a shitty kind of thing. We all do stand-up. What do you do when you're not doing stand-up for fun? Clinical trials. Clinical trials. No, the drug test wouldn't pan out. Is that guy still here? He's dead?

No, he just had his third and final heart attack. I play golf and, you know, I used to play like sports, but I got too fat. So golf is the only thing that can be fat. You're like a young John Daly. I like that. Great golf reference.

It's fun. Do you know who John Daly is? Of course I do. I'm from Ohio. Well, that's Jack Nicklaus. See, you have it confused already. John Daly's an Australian. He's a fat, blonde golfer that gets drunk.

Memorial tournament. He's a drinker? Yeah. Yeah, he likes to drink. Memorial tournament. That's Jack Nicklaus. No, I know, but I've met him there many times. Oh, anyway.

Bruce, I know, but I've met him there many times. Oh, anyway. Bruce, I love that. Picturing you eating Bunch O' Crunch on a golf cart just made my night so much happier. Another great set, fun times. Good to see you again, Bruce. Two weeks in a row. Bruce Gray. Changing lives here

on Kill Tony. We inspired him to lose the lesbian haircut before his boss even told him that he had to lose the lesbian haircut before his boss even told him that he had to lose the lesbian haircut. I'm just saying, our advice is dead on. Once we can get Pat to lose his lesbian haircut, we'll all be good. I pulled another name out.

He goes by the name of Lou Henkel, everybody. Lou Henkel, everybody. Lou Henkel. Hey, yo, I apologize if I come out looking nastier than the bottom of Bruce Jenner's period panties and shit like that. But, like, yo, I'm all sorts of fired up and shit. I just found out my dad, he has AIDS. And it's, like, not even the cool type of AIDS like Magic Johnson or Eazy-E where I could, like, be proud and wear, like, a ribbon, get that sympathy pussy.

Nah, because my dad's just, like, a motherfucking alcoholic idiot dick sucker. You know? And it's, like, fuck wearing a ribbon for that cocksucker, you know? Like, I hated him after he left me and my mom like we were just some prom night dumpster baby and shit like that. Like, literally, the only fucking thing the motherfucker left me in the neighborhood was, like, the legacy of being known

as Danny Deep Throat's kid and shit like that. And let me tell you, that shit was no motherfucking picnic once the Archdiocese of Philadelphia found out. Because, like, Cardinal Bevilacqua had his top headhunters fucking banging on my door day and night trying to recruit me to be an altar boy. But thankfully my ma didn't want me going down the same path as a Nigerian schoolgirl. And she sent me to Pup.

I just fell in love with this guy. My new favorite comedian in the world. My new number one favorite comedian. I thought that was a monologue from a Bronx tale the whole time. Whatever that was, it's my new favorite thing that I've ever seen. You are my new favorite comedian. How does that make you feel? Good.

That's amazing. Are you available to be a guest on the show and talk to young comedians next week and give them advice and help people out? I don't know how much expertise I have. Where the fuck did you come from? Philadelphia. That is the most

appropriate question. Let's start there. Obviously Philly. Philadelphia. Right. And I completely disagree with you, Tony. Of course you would. But let's stick on the funny, positive side of Lou before we get bad cop. Let's not go bad cop too soon, Brian. We could go bad cop all day. I'm fucking used to getting bad cop.

I'm used to motherfuckers hating on me, you know? All the people out here are softer than pocket pussies and shit like that. Wait, I have a pocket pussy. It's not that soft, I want to say. It's okay. It's fine. I get it. I used to flush your head down a toilet in high school, you know? What? Oh, my God. Everyone defended me.

You're like, no, you didn't, motherfucker. Nah, because he looks like a Comic-Con motherfucker, you know? Like, I don't know. Am I the only one? I've guaranteed I've fucked more pussy this past week than you have. Yeah, probably, because you say you're fucking a comedian and shit. Am I the only one that's currently looking for Robert Smigel's hand? I was just like, where is his hand?

What's up? It's a joke. Oh, my God. Okay, really? But you have a lot of confidence. It's like, I mean you have a lot of confidence. I mean, it really is. So did Pol Pot.

That's not a good thing, a lot of confidence sometimes. But it was just very, I mean, immediately had all of our attention. Yeah, I know. So would a guy with a gun waving it. You know what I mean? It doesn't mean it's good or funny. Fuck you for that Comic-Con shit.

I was going to be nice, but fuck you. Your dreams, I'm going to piss all over them. Lou, so you really talk like that? You really move your hands like that? Of course not. I don't know. I mean, it was obvious. I don't know.

It was like somebody overdoing it. That's what drove me crazy. I have one minute, so much louder than everybody else's mic. I have one minute, so I got to go. Or have jokes. Or have jokes. Whoa. Because I could easily just go up and go,

and confuse everybody and make you think that's the best shit ever. But if you write what you said down, it's shit, man. Brian is furious right now, everybody. For those of write what you said down, it's shit, man. Brian is furious right now, everybody. For those of you that didn't notice, I think Brian thought that I was being serious when I said that I have a new number one favorite stand-up comedian in the world. I think that maybe he thought

that I literally just jumped Dave Chappelle for the number one spot. I'm sorry, man. I didn't mean it that harsh. The thing that drives me really crazy is when I see people overacting like I

it drives me nuts like well in my defense I think if you just I had one minute I didn't get it and I want to try to go like I want to try to get

everything that I ow on my mouth you know like so I can't go I can't milk any of the fucking jokes like I can milk

the fucking jokes but when I have a minute you're not Vince I can't do it Lou is your jokes. I can milk the fucking jokes, but when I have a minute, I can't do it. Lou, is your name really Lou Hinkle, by the way? That name does not fit you. You don't seem like a Hinkle at all. What's your nationality? He gets off stage, he's like,

oh, that was hard. Oh, no! Them comedians were mean to me. Yeah, I'm scared. I'm going to run to my fucking car. You know? The werewolves after me. I love this. How long have you been on stand-up?

What's up? Ten years. Ten years? Probably three years hard. Did you hear the noise the audience just made? Lou, how many tours in Afghanistan did you do? None.

How many clinical trials have you do? None. I would never fucking try. How many clinical trials have you done? None. I do five at once. Wait a minute. I come from a long lineage of cumstades, my friends. You had to wake up in that sentence. I just like to think I'm the chunk in the middle of the sock that breaks the mold.

It looks like you have blood in your mouth. Oh, no. That's Mad Dog. What's Mad Dog? 2020. It's a Hinkle mixture. A Hinkle mixture? He's homeless, everybody.

I can sneak the shit into any club, you know, and I can say it's a Gatorade. So that's what I do. Ten years you've been doing stand-up. No, no, no. I moved out here And I can say it's a Gatorade. So that's what I do. Okay. Is that a meagre? Ten years you've been doing stand-up. No, no, no. I moved out here like ten years ago.

Then I quit. You quit what? Doing stand-up. Then I moved to New York and I did this shit hard for like the last two to three years. So. But I started like ten years ago. That was like. And then before that you were in Raging Bull? Lou, what do you do for work?

Hustle. Hustle. Fuck yeah. Work at Chipotle. What kind of hustle are we talking about? There's a vast variety. You selling Hinkle mixtures? Right now,

I'm trying to establish the market with buying water bottles with food stamps and selling them on the corner and making out real cash. I'm trying to establish the food stamp hustle out here, you know. But, like, the motherfuckers got this fucking racket fucking locked down.

Because, like, usually I go and I fucking buy baby formula with my food stamps and shit. And I return it to Target, you know. I get a fucking store credit. But, like, all the fucking crackheads and shit, you know, fucking just totally... Wow. God just killed himself, for those of you that missed that. God just gave up.

We're all on our own now. Fuck yeah, Lou. You are something else. Thanks a lot. Peace, bitches. What? He said peace, bitches. You leaving?

Okay, you can leave. I'll set up a tent and sleep here. Fuck yeah. Lou, what's your drug of choice? I don't know. I smoke weed and I drank. What kind of fucking weed are you smoking right now? Obviously, I'm fucking crazy enough.

If I did drugs, I'd be a fucking crackhead. So I'm already perceived as that shit. So you mean to tell me you outgoingly drink a Mad Dog Gatorade combination and you don't do drugs? No, I like to drink when I do stand-up and shit like that, but I ain't stupid

enough to pay $10 for a fucking drink, you know? So that's bada-bing, bada-boom. This is really starting to feel like a documentary now. I was imagining Morgan Spurlock trying to be him. Lou, what's your favorite thing to do for fun

when you're not doing stand-up? I don't know. Honestly, probably jerk off. That's a great answer. All I've done since I've done here is comedy. Maybe if I get a couple minutes, I jerk off. This is why Scientology is good for some people.

You know what I mean? Yeah, I think you should get a stress test. Lou, you know, it's going to be a rough rough trip for you because it's like Brian hit a very interesting

point and that's that you are all cadence like you are hilarious, but you're not saying, I know you don't I know you don't your delivery and who you are on stage is unbelievable. If you actually

wrote down funny stuff instead of just hitting keywords and letting your cadence do all the work. Well, if motherfuckers actually gave me more than a minute, I could fucking do that. Like, you know, like, get me, get me. Do you want to take that compliment back?

But if you notice, but if we're still saying in a moment of criticism, you just actually did exactly what he said you did in your response to that accusation. You just said, motherfucker, that got the laugh. It was like you just hit this buzzword. So you're doing it even in your emotional response. And this audience of filthy enablers laughed at it.

Yes. Thinking that they were doing the right thing. Shame on you guys. Shame on you guys. I have a plethora of problems. You know plethora, but you don't know cadence? Cadence. Pat Reagan from Capcord.

Lou, we're going to move on. It was nice meeting you, buddy. Lou Henkel, everyone. There he goes. He's on Twitter at Lou Henkel. H-I-N-K-E-L. Bruce Gray was your last comedian in Vince Royale. I feel like I need to do some Xanax now after that.

I love you, Lou. That was great, buddy. That guy drinks a lot of fucking Mad Dog and Gatorade. That's a whole lot of electrolytes going on right there. That's too much electrolytes. I was so sure he was going to say speed when I asked him what his drug of choice was. But nope, just electrolytes. I pulled another name out of the bucket.

We know this guy. Very cool dude. Put your hands together for Dennis Wilson, everybody. Okay, Dennis Wilson, everyone. There's too many nerds. There's too many nerds. Wilson, everyone. Thank you. There's too many nerds. There's too many nerds. When did we all decide that we wanted to be nerds?

It's like everybody wants to be a nerd now. Back in the day, nerds weren't popular back in the day. Nerd had like three purposes. You stick your finger in their square roll in the morning and see if it's a hot one. You trip them every now and then. And every now and then you sit them down and have a good conversation with them and stick a kick me sign on their back. And nerds are like dangerous now. Look at that guy Jared.

Everybody thought Jared was a normal guy. Didn't you see his before pictures? That guy had a lot of time on his hands. And nerds are dangerous. Who's shooting up at theaters? Nerds. Who are they trying to kill? The nerds.

Because they know it's too many nerds. You guys got to stop. You're going to fuck up the gene pool. You can't have too many nerds. You guys got to stop. You're going to fuck up the gene pool. You can't have too many nerds. Dennis Wilson. Dennis, you've been on the show a few times. I love your style. That was more of the type of set

in which I think that it's good if you're reading somebody to sleep. Maybe some really, really rich guys. Like, I'm going to pay a professional entertainer. There was a PBS children's show quality to that. It was a very storytelling deliver.

But is the Marvel hat ironic for that bit? That's what I don't understand. Why the fuck would you wear that if you're doing that bit? There's what I don't understand. First bite out of your mouth. Why the fuck, why would you wear that if you're doing that bit? There's every superhero on your... Into the mic. Dennis, microphone. Well, you gotta say I like nerds first before,

because we don't, I thought it was like a character for a second. I didn't really get into myself as much as I should have. There was a Pikachu convention that two gunmen arrested these two gunmen going into a Pikachu convention, Pokemon convention, with these crazy guns and 250 rounds

of ammunition today. Of what? Ammunition. Ammunition. A lot of GTA references. Ammunations, the store. I got a little Josh Martin. Ammunition's the store. I'm not going to just blame that on my delivery. I did that set.

I mean, the meat is good. You know, the meat, the idea is good. Delivery sucked. I think you need a little more energy. You need a little bit of that Lou Hinkle touch. You know what I mean? I think if you and Lou traded. Yeah. If you wrote for Lou, we might have the perfect comedian on our hands.

What do you think about Mad Dog 2020? You know how funny Lou would be talking about these fucking nerds. I'm from Philly. Well, we don't deal with that shit. In South Central, nerds were virtually non-existent. Now we're infested with nerds. What do you do that's nerdy? Other than keep leaning on the mic stand and having it drop

from underneath your arm because it's not tight enough. What I do that's nerdy? Basically comedy. Just comedy stuff. I don't know. I don't do nerdy stuff, really. Why the hat, then? I'm still coming back to the hat.

Because I just like Marvel stuff. I used to draw Marvel comics. But that's nerdy. That is as nerdy as you can get. Like, it's Superman shit. No, no. I mean, it's not like anime. That's new nerd.

That's new nerd. Real nerd is drooling. Right. I think that's just handicapped. Like, you can't make fun of handicapped people, but you can make fun of nerds. I love that. Gerard, give me something. Gerard.

Please. I love this show for Gerard because he's, like, the nice guy, and now you're, like, cornered and having to be one of us. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Join the dark side car michael you're fucking up my paul abdul by the way um straight we had a uh i like you jordan's a lot man i think those are really dope i think you're cool i mean it was cool but it was fun it was like a fun you know you you you did you did you in your head know what I mean? Yeah, but it's cool.

So you've been like this is a newer thing that you've been trying out. No, you know, I've been off since November. I haven't. It's like I've only done like four sets since November. It's back rusty. I'm just trying to get back. Oh, I took, you know, I took when you told me last time I need to get more serious. I got my finance together, so I don't have no job.

This is all I got. Oh, shit. I forced that upon you. Son of a bitch. I take it back. I got my finance together so I don't have no job. This is all I got right now. Oh, shit. I forced that upon you? Son of a bitch. I take it back. I take it back. No, I'm kidding. Don't worry about me.

I mean, last time you were on Kill Tony, you were really, really funny. I think this sounds like something that just needs to be worked out, tagged up, and just listen to yourself and go through it and see what works

and what makes sense. Maybe it's too much overkill explaining the nerds. But don't wear that hat ever when you're doing that joke. Well, I just did it at Meltdown, and they loved it. Well, Meltdown, you know. They're scared of you there. Yeah.

Yeah. Dennis, I love your style, man. I love you guys, too. I love Kill Tony. That was fun, man. Yeah your style, man. I love you guys, too. I love Kill Tony. That was fun, man. Yeah. Thanks, guys. Guys, this is our special suicide edition of Kill Tony.

What the fuck? Love you, Dennis. Dennis Wilson. Some real rough moments. It really is. Gerard Carmichael, how you doing over there? You hanging in there? It's been a long day, right?

Yeah, yeah. It's fun, man. This is really fun. I like when you have to ask people, I told you to do that? Because people make serious life decisions. You had somebody quit their job, get a haircut. I didn't make him do that, okay? He killed on Kill Tony, and he said that he wanted to do stand-up full-time. I didn't make him do that, okay? He killed on Kill Tony and he said

that he wanted to do stand-up full-time. I said, go for it, man. You gotta chase your dreams. Then he just said he's only done it four times since November. I can't control his work ethic after I inspire somebody. But Bakerfield's haircut... Bakerfield's? What is this? Did you have a stroke

at some point in this episode? Bakerfield's? What is this? Did you have a stroke at some point in this episode? Bakerfields Ammunation? I pulled another name out of the bucket. I always love the guys that aren't on Twitter. It's always a different type of person. Always special. Put your hands together. By the way, Dennis Wilson is in DJ Sunset Boulevard. Tom Howard, everybody. Tom Howard everybody Tom Howard I look like a douche bag starter kit

seriously and people tell me I'm too hard on myself when I say that but then those same people go you can get us a discount at H&M right man and the worst part is i can't defend myself i weigh 140 pounds there are 13 year olds playing little league with more muscle definition than me no joke i was in a target i rounded the corner a 16 year old girl shoulder checked me my knees buckled like my friends come find me like, Tom, Tom, you okay? I'm like, man, just

did you see that fucking bodybuilder walking around? Jesus. I'll work on the ending of that one. So, um, I've, I had sex recently. Uh, yeah, about one week, not, not the numerical value one week the song released by bare naked ladies I struggle with alcoholism I don't drink it's just a difficult word for me to spell fuck yeah thank you

Tom Howard what's up fuck yeah I want to get the one week joke, the bare naked, because what was the joke? It's been one week since you looked at me. Well, I know the song. I didn't say you're crazy. Fuck. But what was the joke? I just missed it.

It was me just being behind. I just want to know the joke. The joke is it's been one week since I've had sex, one week the time one week the song released by bare naked ladies ah okay okay but that is does that totally make sense i still don't get i still don't yeah so you wait you're trying to say like i think what you're trying to do and i just don't think you phrase it right is it like like oh i fuck so long it a week, but it's actually the amount of time that Bare Naked Ladies plays? Is that what you're trying to say? No, but that would probably be better.

I mean, it's still not good. I'm just wondering. Do you know what I mean? I haven't had sex since one week, not the amount of time the Bare Naked Ladies song. Yeah, when the Bare Naked Ladies song was released. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, since one week. Yeah. Not the amount of time the Barenaked Lady song. Yeah, when the Barenaked Lady song was released. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, since one week.

Yeah, so like 12 years. Since that plate. Oh. That was five. Oh, I thought. It's confusing. But hey, how old are you, though? I'm 24.

Oh, jeez. So then you were raped. Oh, shit. I'm trying to understand the logic, the time sequence of this. It would make sense if you were a 40-year-old comic. You know what I mean? It's just when you're 24, it's like... Plus, I don't know if I necessarily believe...

I know you're nervous because... How long have you been doing comedy? October. Yeah, because you do the thing, the nerve... And it's fine. I mean, I still do it if I'm in a situation where I'm really nervous. The face involuntarily starts to twitch and stuff. But no, it's fine.

It's totally fine. So it's like you're just going to figure it out. Anything that we say, if you've only been doing it in October, fucking take it with a grain of salt because you don't even know your voice yet. You know what I mean? We'll just fuck you up, I think, because you're that young into it. Yeah, to get rid of the twitch, just put Bengay on your cheeks. It numbs your cheeks.

Are you from Canada? No, I'm from Columbus, Ohio. Remember? Oh, man. Your joke about the Target, how you went around a corner and a little girl checked you, which is funny, but you should probably go younger. And you said you needed, you know, like, what did you use, like 15 or something? 16. 16.

Yeah, why go 16 when you could say like a 7-year-old came around the corner, checked you, and then you're like, did you see that bodybuilder? And you're like, yeah, she's over there looking at Play-Doh or something like that. You know, you should make it younger. It's funnier. Because, I mean, a 16-year-old or a 15-year-old can really body check most people in here if they were bigger, you know. But a 7-year-old, that's a little ridiculous.

I don't know. Also, it's like that douchebag star kit that's like a good first line to get into something. But it's like when I think of comic book things, like a shirt, I don't think of a douchebag. You know what? It's a little, like, just, you know what I mean? It's just distracting, you know, as far as like,

because I'm like, what does that mean? I don't understand what that means. Well, it's a joke I came up with, like, fresh out of my frat. Right, yeah. So I didn't,? I don't understand what that means. It's a joke I came up with fresh out of my frat. So I was a little... Right. Yeah. So I didn't...

Because you don't look like that. I got a bone to pick with that douchebag starter kit comment. I think you could just be like... Instead of... You don't look like the douchebag. You don't look like a douchebag starter kit. You look like a generic white guy starter kit. Right.

And also, you were saying douchebag shop at H&M. No. Smart, stylish people on a budget shop at H&M. I see what you did there. I see what you did there. Yeah. It's true. Your look is very like Dexter with autism.

Has anybody ever told you that before? I do get Dexter. I get a few. They leave out the autism part? Typically, I mean. When your left eye twitches like that, what does that mean? He was right. It's a nervous thing.

Lack of sleep sometimes also I'm also pretty dehydrated Dehydrated? I know somebody who has Gatorade And Mad Dog I was up at work at 3am Where you work? Home Depot

Oh wow That's like real work Which is exactly where a Dexter type would work. To get a discount on fertilizer, rope. Barrels, limacles, wood. Actually, can you get a discount for us? No. You get a discount on tarp.

Now, Home Depot is one of the rare places where you can still be a man, a manly man, and wear an apron at the same time. Do they make you... I know, nobody's laughing though, only you. Do they make you wear the apron? Yeah. I go for as long as I can without wearing it before the manager comes around.

Put on your apron. What's your boss like? He's a douchebag. His name's Ivan. I hope he hears this. Why is he a douchebag? He's just a straight up dick. Does he ever use you as a starter kit? No. Why is he a dick?

Instead of using words that would describe... Tell us what actually you don't like about him. I don't know. He's just kind of an idiot. I think he wears his hair too tight. You just did it again. You said douche, dick, and then idiot the third time. Let's try it again. He wears his hair too tight.

That's what bothers you about your boss? It cuts off circulation to his brain, so I have to explain something. You son of a bitch. You've wanted to tell him that for a long time, and you don't have the balls. You should go up to Ivan tomorrow and say, you know what? Your hair's up too tight. It's cutting off circulation to your brain. You're just getting people to quit their jobs on the show.

Yeah, what the fuck? He comes back next week. Just ruining people's lives every episode. How long have you worked at the Home Depot? Going on four years. Do you have a specialty there? You like the woodcutter? I'm noticing the twitch now.

Yeah. It's very busy. You're just noticing it now? Your entire face shifts. You're wearing a Joker t-shirt, but you look like Two-Face right now. So it's very contradictory. Like, it's incredible. You didn't notice the twitch?

Well, I don't normally have it. It's just, like, cameras and people and someone on network television. Are you purposefully not showing them the twitch side of your face? You've gotten pretty much square to us now. You don't want the audience or the camera to see that? Can you just look at Pat for the rest of this interview? I'm going to ask you questions. The Twitch goes away.

It's only around people that are important. All right, Pat, slowly start rubbing. Pat, was he still twitching? Your cheek is twitching, but your eyes aren't twitching. It's my cheek that's twitching. And then you're holding your eyes open like there's an invisible clockwork orange eye expander. I'm getting lost. You know what I love about this show?

If somebody was about to get in a stand-up, they're like, it's not as bad and horrifying as you say it would. Cut to somebody eight months in on stage where we're all like, Twitch for us! Twitch, you fucking freak! You know? This is the worst job in the world. This is what you have to do to start.

This is what Carrie went through before she killed everybody in her school. It's usually not this crazy like it's usually a little bit more calm I guess it's just an awkward episode we've gotten to the point to where twitch really sets the episode apart like

that's pretty much gonna be the thing like I can already see the hashtags of this episode like the twitch Tom now pretty much going to be the thing. I can already see the hashtags of this episode. The Twitch. Tom, are you more into just doing stand-up forever? If you could do anything in the world, what would it be? Have your own

show, type a show, make movies, just do stand-up, tour the road. What's your number one goal? I'd probably try to... Ideally, I would want to do a Dave Chappelle-esque episode where I can do stand-up in between stuff, but I'm also making sketches and everything.

Just one episode? Just one and done? Just one. You mean do sketches and do stand-up in between the sketches? Yes. Yeah, that's never going to happen, Tom. I know. That's not true. That happen, Tom. I know.

That's not true. That's the noise that I get. That's not true. I believe in. Do you vine at all? Do what? Do you vine? Sorry, sorry. I just imagined him like you're a star, and then I just fucking ripped you out.

Oh, my God. Jesus. Tom, just relax, all right? I thought you were going to be the only one that didn't kill himself. I don't want it to go that way. No, mine, I have like 90 missed notifications on my Facebook, and that's my one social network thing. Big time.

It's been like two years. No, that's great. I mean, I'm the same way. I never, you know, social media, I never really. Yeah, you don't like social media, but you definitely love Twitch. Really? You guys are making weird noises. This is like some kind of fucking circus. This entire podcast is a scene from Magnolia.

That's what it feels like. Start Vining and Instagramming your job at Home Depot, and then in a couple months, use Tony's advice and quit on Vine or the social media, and that'll blow your career up so you can start getting more stage time and then get into comedy. You know that's the weirdest

advice I've ever heard. And it just might work. That's how I felt about it. I was like that's crazy. Crazy enough. Yeah but you can see it like an employee at Home Depot pours goat urine on boss and you know.

I think that's just a crime. Make it fake goat urine. Okay. Tom, what scares you? What are you afraid of? Non-stand-up related. Ooh, polar bears. Really? You see them in your nightmares? Yeah, I fell into a pit one time when I was like six.

Get the fuck out of here. At the Columbus Zoo? Yeah, it didn't give a shit about me, but I was terrified. Wow, you fell into a polar bear pit? Yeah. Did Jack Hanna save you? Oh, no. Dude, how did that happen?

Did you just climb over and felt like, was your bounce, or was your dad just like, fuck it, like, what happened? It was a school field trip thing. I don't think my parents even know. She's not going to tell anyone about that. I was in there for like 30 seconds. She noticed and she picked me back up over. Jesus Christ.

I mean, it's the dumbest question, but it sounds like it was pretty cold. It's pretty cold in the polar bear thing? No, it was like 90 degrees in August in Columbus. They just have them outside? They just have them outside. They just have them outside. They're just bears. They got a really depressing mirror of what you would assume Antarctica looks like. And the thing is just like stares at it all day.

Oh, so you didn't get eaten because those bears didn't have the strength. They just couldn't. Those bears gave up. They gave up. There's a kid in there. You got to get up and get the kid? I'm not going to. It's so true.

They do have this huge mural of snow and stuff. You should do shit about that. That's hilarious. Because falling into a polar bear, no one does that. If you find you falling into a polar bear. No, I don't know. And if you pour goat urine on the polar bear. Fake.

That would be good for your career. Pouring goat urine on a polar bear. That's pretty much the age that we live in where that's big time comedy content. You could be an overnight celebrity. That's what the fat Jew says. Fat Jew's just like, throw some goat urine on somebody, vine it, steal that shit, get your hair done in a little fucking boat. Is he okay? Top.

That is not the place for the horse of truth. Tom, I'm going to let you go. Tom Howard, everybody. There he goes. Anthony Jeselnik, Mannequin Hybrid. Tom Howard. I love it. Guys, we are going to make our slow descent

into the regular part of our show where every week we have a well, every week up in I don't think we can. Okay, one more. Let's have a girl. Get a girl. We have two girls coming up. I pulled the name out of the bucket

and it's Tim Greer, everybody. Tim Greer. Yeah. There Greer. Yeah. There you go. That does it, everybody. Tim Greer just got blacklisted. Poor Tim Greer. Okay.

Tim missed his spot, so he doesn't get to go in the bucket ever again. That's what that noise means, everybody So now we're going to move on to the part of our show With our regulars Okay, one more You guys are a bad influence Bad influence So I'm going to have to rush the last part of the show

And you got what you wanted, Brian Put your hands together for Misha Trubbs sorry I'm sorry you wanted a girl you'll do fine yeah Misha Trubbs everybody come on of the girl. You'll do it fine. Misha Trubbs, everybody. Come on. Ah, man. I took the bus to get here today because I'm successful.

On this bus, I saw an old Eastern European man, and I knew he was Eastern European because I myself was born and raised in Ukraine, Massachusetts. This poor Eastern European man, he was just drinking a monster energy drink, just minding his own business.

And this lady, she gets on the bus and just starts giving him shit. After about 20 minutes of this, he just turns to her and he says, bitch, you is the monster. And if you have any more suggestions to give to me, I will be in your suggestion box with my suggestion in it

go fuck yourself I apologize for my jokes a lot of my jokes are like autistic children you want to love them but you just can't where's that where's that cat are you done Where's that? Where's that cat?

Where's that cat? Are you done? Are you just going to wait for the cat? Oh, no. There it is. Oh, okay. Misha. Man.

Sorry for thinking that. No, I was going to keep going, but I'm like. No, I'm not apologizing for your time thing. I'm apologizing for assuming that you were a female due to your first name being Misha. That's an interesting. Though, if there was a guy Misha, it would definitely look like this. Yeah. Though, I meant that in a good way. You thought I was going to be a sexy French girl.

What is that thing you keep doing with the cord? It's trying to be seductive. It's sexual or something. You were doing it a lot Doing your set It was like highly distracting I like that voice though Yeah Your voice was funny

Yeah It was a funny like Which one? This one? No No I mean the one that you did In your act Yeah

The one that was really Where you from though? I am from Ukraine Oh cool But I grew up in Massachusetts My cognitive years The voice was good But I had no idea

What the fuck you were saying I had no idea But I was with it saying. I had no idea, but I was with it. I was with it, and I didn't have a clue. It started coherent, and then it just started being like a thing, and I was still like, yeah. Yeah, the voice is really good, but I'm guessing now that I know that, your Eastern European dad

probably sounds exactly like that, right? It does. Actually, that joke was inspired by my grandpa. Now it's a little bit Kermit the Frog. Hi there. I am here with... How old are you? I just turned 30.

Oh, okay, cool. It's weird. You're like the oldest looking young guy I've seen. Like you look young and old. Maybe there's something with that. You look like you sweep up at the bodega you own. Yeah. You look like a 16-year-old and a 40-year-old.

You look like both the Chucky doll and the guy that puts his soul into the Chucky doll. If it makes any sense, I was born on April 26th. What the fuck? No, it doesn't make any sense. It makes zero sense. No sense. April 26th. What the fuck? No, it doesn't make any sense. It makes zero sense. No sense. It's Chernobyl Day, baby. That's not a thing.

Chernobyl Day is not a thing. That's not Earth Day. That's not Easter. I celebrate. No, it's not. I celebrate. You celebrate Chernobyl Day. It's a special day.

I like that you added baby behind it. Chernobyl Day, baby! What up? Make it rain! With limbs. And long-term poisonous effects that plague communities for generations. Make it rain. Acid from the sky.

Is your dad a spy? And babies. No, he's just a failed businessman. The autistic joke was pretty fucked up and funny. I really wanted to know what the first joke was about because really I did not understand what the fuck you were talking about. So it makes me think that you

need to work on that accent and dumb it down a little because when it gets to that point, it's like, alright, joke's over. The funny part's somewhere in this mess. And your second joke was pretty funny. So what was the point of the first joke? The first joke, by being on the bus? Yeah, when you go into your dad's

voice, no idea what that part was about. Well, it's an Eastern European guy, and he was just drinking a monster drink, a monster energy drink. I don't know if I might have skipped that. No, you didn't. You got it. And the lady, she was giving him crap about drinking a monster drink, and he turned to her and he said that she's the monster.

All right, I was wrong. Oh, boy. All right. What did that do to you? You just said he was a failed businessman on a podcast. Oh, man. Well, because he always falls to pyramid schemes. I like your outfit.

It looks like when you came from the Ukraine to here, somebody from the Ukraine was like, here, take what the Americans wear. Non-cargo pants with zippers and weird pockets and sketchers. No, I went to H&M. What do you do for work?

I'm a tour guide. Wow. Warner Brothers and San Francisco, where I saw you first. Oh, nice. Yeah. How long have you lived in L.A.? Three months. Three months.

Three months. You saw it? Well, I didn't know there wasn't a compliment, so I was like, oh, okay. He said it flattered, yet concerned. That's the way I saw you. No, I saw him at the SF Sketch Fest. We were at the same show. Oh, nice.

Okay. Sweet. It's always weird when there's not a compliment attached because then you're like, yes, you did see me. I don't know what else you want to say. Guys, we're going to move on to our final part of the show. That's Misha Trubbs, everybody. He's on Twitter, Misha Trubbs. Guys, up

until last week, we had the same two regulars writing and performing a brand new 60 Seconds every week, whereas everybody else you've seen tonight gets pulled out of a bucket and gets lucky to come up here. We have two brand new regulars. This is their very first time being regulars. Last

week was their debut, and now it's a whole new thing for them. So is their very first time being regulars. Last week was their debut, and now it's a whole new thing for them. So with their second appearances ever on Kill Tony, our two new regulars are going up tonight. The first one being we met her here on Kill Tony, guys. That's her big credit. She just recently broke her leg, and it's her

birthday. The one and only Melissa Esslinger, everybody. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. No one's ever handed me the mic, but when I don't have hands, you handed me the mic. I'm just kidding. I'm sorry. That was supposed to be funny, not mean.

All right. There we go. All right. Yeah. No, I'm good. I'm good. All right. Can I start?

Yeah, you got it. Yeah. Yeah. This is not stand-up comedy. I'm dog-sitting right now. I fit right in because I'm crippled and they both only have one eye. Do you know what? Walking one-eyed dog is really crappy.

Two one-eyed dogs, not just one. One one-eyed dog is okay. You're nice. You saved them. Two one-eyed dogs and you're like a sadist. I ruined a kid's ice cream cone walking the dogs. Yeah, some people like a warm cup of coffee when they wake up. I like a warm bag of poop.

So let's talk about something else. My mom, when she gave me the first sex talk, that was fun. It was on the way to get birth control after my first pregnancy scare. I'm failing, guys. Take it easy on yourself. Melissa, you panicked in the middle of that, and then you said a really funny joke, and nobody ever would have even known it. You not told us that it wasn't going well for you. I'm not feeling so great. Well, I mean, everyone just wanted to help you.

I will say this. I was just like, is this the first time I've felt weird as shit for helping someone? I was like, and then you got on the ground, but still I felt like I was the one making it weird. I felt pretty weird about it. It wasn't your fault at all. That was really sweet. I'm really sensitive too. You're really like, maybe it was because you were on the ground, but everybody was very engaged.

Thanks. Thank you. No, she's that way was very engaged. Thanks. Thank you. No, she's that way standing up, too. How'd you break your leg? Well, thankfully, it's actually the bone is not broken. I just, like, really screwed up the ligaments and the bad contusion. I crashed my bike. Motorcycle or bicycle?

I don't ride a motorcycle. You got in a bicycle accident? Yeah. That's adorable. Training wheels. Yeah, I tried to get off those. No, it's a cruiser, so if the chain breaks, you can't stop. And the chain came off, and I thought it would be a good idea to grab the guardrail next to me

and hold my body around that. Wait, a cruiser doesn't have brakes? Because that sounds like a recall situation. Yeah, it sucked. Well, it was dumb the way I panicked, and I grabbed the rail and literally my body just went... How fast were you going? I don't know. I was going down a hill.

Oh, no. Yikes. Yeah. Poor thing. It's pretty annoying. Today's your birthday. Yeah. Congratulations. Thank you.

Melissa Esslinger's birthday. How fun. Yeah. You know, I mean, you panic there twice, and nobody knows that the joke's not going the way that you want it to until you tell them yeah yeah i think that's a very common mistake that i used to make regularly when i started out and that's i used to always say like fuck you know like after the after the first joke if a joke didn't get anything i would let it ruin the rest of my set and even though people would

tell me for years you know a couple guys some of my close mentors would be like you know you don't have to talk about it when blah blah blah and i still just kept doing it over and over again and there's no reason to call it out like you just move on because look you got a huge laugh right after you panicked is when you got to the actual punch line which is crazy i'm talking about panicking after a punchline doesn't work. And you panicked just stumbling over a word. Like there's no reason to let that throw you off. People aren't going to be like, that's not funny because she stuttered on that one word.

Like it doesn't matter. It'll always be there. So don't worry about that stuff. Dan St. Germain. You know, yeah. I mean, I do the same thing still. Like, you know know if something doesn't work i'll i'll fucking give up on it i mean it still hasn't left me um yeah it was just um

i mean the whole i i think i was just concerned through your set i'm just the most no i know no i mean just with the cry i mean that was the only because i was i'm like geron i was like she could be all right the whole thing so it was hard for me to judge you know what I mean it's almost like like when you have that you've got to like make it real like your whole minute should have just been about that because like yeah you have to like get the audience to be like okay you know they're on board or it's like if you come up with a black guy or anything like that you know whenever I don't go with my gut it's always wrong because I thought about that I was like that, I thought of a few jokes. That is absolutely another amazing point that you just said is, you know, just always go with that gut.

That's totally something that, again, it takes people years to figure out is that you can go in with a plan and have it all ready to go. But if something else happens, you just have to be able to roll with it. Yeah. Totally. have it all ready to go but if something else happens you just have to be able to roll with it yeah totally i can't tell you how many times like i've done stand where i'm like where i'll do something like this is a big show it's going to be a big show and then you get there and it's it was for weeks the hottest show in town and you get there and forever for whatever fucking reason your show has 12 people at it but you still treat it like you're fucking prior at the sunset strip and you give this huge you know performance that's nuanced but nobody it like you're fucking prior at the Sunset Strip and you give this huge performance that's nuanced but nobody's like

you're not addressing the fucking fact that the room's on fire. You're like doing a dream set in your head right now. You know? Yeah. Makes sense. Yeah. Did you get to finish that last one? I don't even remember what it was. Melissa Slinger is hopped up on

pain pills right now, everybody. Did she give you one earlier? In that case, great set. Can I get a couple? Happy birthday, Melissa. Thank you. Happy birthday. Happy birthday.

There she is, Melissa Esslinger. Guys, your other new regular, she is one of the fastest rising young female comedians here at the Comedy Store. She's only 19 years old. Put your hands together for Ally Makovsky, everybody. Yeah! Okay.

I hate guys who say all girls are beautiful. I think it's bullshit. Because the same guy who said all girls are beautiful has also said, fuck that ugly hoe. You can't just switch it up last minute, you know? You can't just all of a sudden become like the Don Juan Quixote I don't know who the guy is but you can't just change it up like that because you know girls don't do that girls aren't like all guys deserve the tightest pussy in the land you know like I'm up here doing

my best I got acne I haven't shaved my vagina since 9-11, you know? And I only say that because I'm young. My bush came in 9-11. 9-11, er, fuck, bush didn't cause 9-11. 9-11 caused my bush. Okay. Thank you.

58 seconds of Ali McCoskey, everybody. Who again coincidentally started to panic at one point only to land in an applause break accidentally while not facing the audience.

I love it. It's a great first showing by our new regulars. It's hilarious. the funny mistakes that you see people make. What happened to the old regulars? They went down to do spots in the original room now. Now they're on the friends and family list. Oh, nice.

Which is the second hardest list to get on other than being paid regulars. So now they're doing longer sets, perhaps even right now in the room downstairs. Yep. That happened last week. Now we have Allie Makovsky. Allie, funny stuff. I get a little confused when you talk about the 9-11 thing because it seems like you're 19.

Yeah, I was 6. It was just for the joke. Good times. You were 6 years old. That's fucking awesome. I wish I had started at Good times You were six years old You started getting a bush at six Yeah That's fucking awesome Yeah I guess

I wish I had started at like fucking 19, you know I didn't really have much else to do Right Neither did I Where are you from? I'm from Long Beach Oh, cool Yeah

Also, you're right You're born into Like, you started recently or like I just hit a year. Oh, nice. Sure. You're not from Long Bush. Wow.

Are you? Oh, this is like an overall thing I say to anyone who's like comes up to L.A. or whatever. But I'm wrong because Tony, you guys, you both came up in L.A.'s comics and Gerard did. So like you guys are the three exceptions. Not you. I'm from Ohio. Well, the two exceptions to the rule for the most part. It's like, are you going to, not you? No, I'm from Ohio. Well, the two exceptions to the rule, for the most part, it's like, are you going to college right now?

No, I did one year of college. And then you're not doing college anymore? So I would like, honestly, I mean, like, fucking, and this is like, I just think it's so hard as a young comic to come up here. He's the exception. He's the exception. Fucking move to a city that's good, has good stand-up, like a Chicago or an Austin or a Denver or a Seattle

And I say, stay on Keltoni every week and don't listen to Dan Stachowicz. I don't know, I mean I will say, but something to It's just harder here I get into this conversation a lot though I guess it depends on you, you know Like, I'm just

under the belief of, like, you know practicing with better competition. Not learning bad habits. But you can still if you get to like a city with good comedy, there's still competition. You know what I mean? True. But there's just not like you're not in a room with like fucking everyone from William Morris the first time you get on stage. Yeah.

And I think like like the other day, my friend told me I did like an actual show. And like I did fine, but I felt like I didn't do well. And he was like well I could see how you would think you would have done better because it's like kind of like jokes for comics. Because I get so used to performing in front of other comics. Fucking everyone. Like when I like I remember the first time I got really good at mics and then I fucking did it like a club show. And I did this fucking retarded puppet bit. I did with my you know like and I went up went up, and it was at Stand Up New York, and I was like, oh, shit.

That's just normal. You're going to have – it's going to be normal. I'll tell you this, and I can say this with no hesitation. It hit me seven seconds into your set. Your stage presence tonight blew everybody else that I saw away. And the fact that you're 19 years old is just, I couldn't be more excited to have you be part of this show.

Allie Makovsky, everybody. Follow Allie and Melissa on Twitter and Instagram at Allie Makovsky and Melissa Esslinger. M-A-C-O-F-S-K-Y and E-S-L-I-N-G-E-R. There they are. Allie Makovsky and Melissa Esslinger. Guys, we did it.

Carmichael Show this Wednesday, 9 p.m. on NBC. Dan St. Germain is Dan St. Germain. What else, Dan? Anything else? Follow me on Twitter. Everyone's leaving. When does this come out? This is for the podcast.

What? Oh, it's now? Oh, if you're in North Carolina, I'll be in Asheville and Wilmington this weekend. Fuck yeah. Yes. Pat Reagan. I'm throwing a warehouse party Friday, September 4th. Warehouse party.

Downtown LA. The Bay Boys. Coach T is going to DJ it. I guess Pat's having a rave, everybody. I'm pretty sure Pat just plugged a rave for the first time ever. Bay Boys are going to play. Ryan J. Ebell drew tonight's episode. Can you believe that?

He had nothing when the episode started. Now look at that crazy shit. He drew that during the show. Gerard, look at you. And that's Kill Tony, everybody. Thank you, live audience. Thank you so much. Thank you. I love you. I'm going to play. Субтитры сделал DimaTorzok We'll be right back. you