KILL TONY - KILL TONY #120

Episode Date: October 1, 2015

Dom Irrera, Willie Hunter, Melissa Eslinger, Tony Hinchcliffe, Pat Regan, Josh Martin, Brian Redban - Date: 09/07/2015 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to Kill Tony Volume 3. Don't forget to subscribe to us on iTunes now. You can subscribe just to Kill Tony. Just search the iTunes store for Kill Tony. Hit subscribe. Please rate and review this show so we can get bumped up in the ratings maybe. Also, don't forget DeathSquad.tv. Click on Tour Dates.

There you have all the shit we do at Kill Tony. Verbal Violence, which is the roast battle, Ice House Chronicles. This Friday, me and Sam Tripoli are going to be in Fresno. Find all the tickets and all the links. Go to DeathSquad.TV. Click on Tour Dates. Also, check out ShopSquad.TV, the official merchandise of the Death Squad store. A bunch of old t-shirts were just added, so get them while you can.

And last but not least, TonyHinchcliffe.com for all his merch and all his tour dates. Here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Redman coming to you live from the world famous comedy store for a brand new episode of Kill Tony, episode three, Kill Tony.

It's good. Fuck yeah. Happy Labor Day, everybody. Thanks for coming out tonight. How exciting is this? Guys, keep it going for Brian Red Band. And Pat Reagan, everybody. You just saw him.

Killing. Killing. I love how your songs tonight, like there was it's amazing how the mistakes are the best part. Not many musicians take that path and that's why we love your unorthodox style.

No mic. Fuck yeah. Do you know that microphone's not working? It's not on. Oh, fuck. fuck. Alright. Pat, your part's over now. The show's started. Pat Reagan, everybody. Follow him on Twitter, Patty Reagan.

Josh Martin, the run-around guy that's in charge of setting up sound and checking and seeing if things are proper before the show, is right here, everybody. This little hipster looks like an emoticon for allergies. Baby. Yeah. Is it good now, Pat? Yeah.

Can we hear you? Fuck yeah. A little something for you podcast listeners. The great Pat Reagan. Brian Redband. What's up? How's it going? Good. We're going to be in Phoenix, Arizona

this month. September 17th. So for you podcast listeners and you wacky periscopers and all that magic, if you live near Phoenix, buy tickets for those shows. How about that? Do that. And then also buy tickets for Toronto.

I'll be there. JFL 42. I'm headlining shows. Some of them have already sold out, so you better buy tickets. And I'm doing Portland at the end of October. Creepy weekend. 23rd and 24th. This Wednesday, also, we're both on the Death Squad secret show here in the main room. Yeah.

Come see us do stand-up. Yeah. Fucking murder. Jim Florentine, Ben Glebe. We have a bunch of comics on the show. Oh, yeah. I'm on it, too. Tony, how was Chappelle's thing on Thursday?

It was amazing. It was incredible. I opened up for a guy named Dave Chappelle, everybody. Come on. Come on. Whoopsie. Whoopsie. Whoopsie-daisy.

Which reminds me, I'm also performing in amphitheaters at Oddball. I'm on the Oddball Comedy Fest this year, so I'm doing amphitheaters. October 4th and 5th, Atlanta and Tampa. Amphitheaters, you guys know what that's like. You can relate to me on that. Anyway, the great Ryan J. E. Belt, house artist, is right here, everybody. Right now, he's got a blank sheet of paper in front of him. What you're going to see is, by the end of the episode, he draws

the episode. He draws the guests, a thematic type of wacky thing. Ryan J. E. Belt's amazing. Check out his Instagram. He has all the past ones. I'm waiting for him to just draw like a fruit bowl one episode. Just a still life painting. Okay, who's got the duck sound effect? Who needs

attention? Who's getting kicked out? Is that you, Dom? I already am. Oh, okay. You're the only one. You're the only one, you son of a bitch. Ladies and gentlemen, no further ado. Let's get the show started. Your guest tonight, one of our favorites, and one of our favorites,

Dom Irera and Willie Hunter, everybody. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah Willie Hunter, everybody. Hello. Sit here. Yeah, this is good. I like it like this. Nice to be here at the Plug-a-thon. I gotta tell you, I... Is your mic not on either?

This is so good for a live show and a podcast. It's not working? Is it working? Willie, is yours working? I think it is. All right. I guess so. I'll be in Fort Lauderdale at the Seminole Hard Rock next week.

And then I'll be in Governor's. I'm fucking with you. We got to get our plugs in. Amphitheater? That's fucking horrible. I know, right? Never do comedy when you can see the sky. That's true.

It's terrible. Anyway, how was Chappelle? He was amazing. He was amazing. Was he in a good mood? He was great. He was very creative and unorthodox. You ever work with Dave?

In the cellar in New York. Not on a road gig. Dom Irer is here, everybody. And also the great Willie Hunter. Can I say something? I have that same ringtone. And I thought it was my phone. I'm like, no, it's not me.

And I'm standing right beside you. He's like, who is that? Who's doing this? What are you guys trying to book an Aflac commercial or something? Quacking around. I love it. What made you choose that as your phone ringer? I don't know, but you knew it was me because what other one is so retarded they couldn't turn it on? I can hear it in my pocket.

I got to adopt a little Chinese girl to walk around with me. What? Now, every week, to let people know a little bit more about our guests, I always give Pat Reagan the opportunity to ask a question

that he would like to ask the comedians. Yeah. So, Pat, what are you going to do this week? All right, well, I got a question for Dom.

What's your take on all the allegations against Martin Lawrence? I mean, 53 women. Oh, wow. Well, they raped him. Oh, wow. Well, they raped him? No, stop!

Boom. Nailed it. That's it. That's all I got. What's your question? I'll tell you. It's funny. The first time Cosby raped me, I remember... No, no.

I know it sounds funny, but you've got to learn to breathe when you're getting raped. Breathe. And make sure you stretch. It's always important to stretch. Thanks for asking. What's your question for Willie? He let you stretch before he knocked out? You know, to cause...

I couldn't come until he did the Fat Albert voice. Fucking took me right over the... Is this on? Is this thing on? Pat, what's your question for Willie? Willie, what's going on with the Carmichael show? Is season two happening? We don't know.

But thank you, everyone, for the positive feedback for the show, man. By the way, Willie Hunter, young Willie Hunter here, is the creator and writer of an NBC comedy show, ladies and gentlemen, the Carmichael show, every Wednesday at 9 p.m. What a dream. And just think, I was the patriot. It is so hard to get a creator credit. You got it. Craig Robinson is terrific

on that. Yes, Craig Robinson plays Gerard Carmichael and it's an awesome, awesome show. You guys have both been on the show before. You guys know what happens. Comedians come up. They do 60 seconds. We talk to them about anything. Maybe we just ask them

questions, try to find out something else funny about them. Maybe we add on to their jokes. Maybe we just talk about what they look like. Anything can happen. Are you guys ready for this shit? Over 40 comedians signed up tonight for the opportunity. Over 40 to be pulled out of a bucket. And when I say their name,

they come up here and they do 60 seconds. Comedians, you know your time is up when you hear the sound of a kitty. That's adorable. That means wrap it up then, or else you're going to bring out the angry... I think I did. The angry West Hollywood bear.

There he is. Nobody wants to hear that noise, so don't run your time. Are you guys ready? Your first comedian tonight going on stage. Pat, how do you feel? I feel good, man. I'm sweating. Sweating out all the toxins.

Why? What happened? I'm just living a filthy life right now. Wow. Fuck yeah. That was just your shitty questions from earlier for the guests. Hey, man. I stand by that question. That Martin Lawrence question.

I think the audience, you know how you turn on the audience sometimes? Fuck you, audience. That Martin Lawrence question is funny. I'm a stick Martin Lawrence for Bill Cosby. I mean, 53 women? Jesus Christ. You know, now that I think of it, it's hilarious. I have to think of it again.

When you hear the explanation, it's always better. Your first comedian doing an uninterrupted 60 seconds this evening goes by the name of Mark Conley. Oh, shit. Oh, no. Mark missed his spot, so that means he gets... Is he getting banned forever? Yeah, he's banned from the club forever now.

Oh, my God. No, I'm kidding. That's not true. Okay, I pulled the name out of the bucket. Casey Moran. Take your time. Take your time. Alright, so apparently Dr. Dre used to physically abuse his former girlfriends during his NWA days.

And he hasn't denied it. Talk about beats by Dre, huh? Yeah, I'm coming out swinging. I'm swinging like Ray Rice in an elevator. You know, I've watched that video a bunch of times, and I realized that there's no audio. And my thought was maybe there was elevator music and I think the song that he performed or that was going on during the incident was LL Cool J's Mama Said Knock You Out in which case I'm not saying it's okay to punch a woman

but I am saying it's also not okay to say no to your mom so i'm hooking up with a girl from a depression support group and she said she's crazy in the head crazy in bed she's lying she's actually lazy in bed but she's still crazy in the head but every time i'm doing it i think to myself how the fuck does bill cosby enjoy this right, that does it for me. Thank you. Fuck yeah. Hi, Casey. Welcome to the show. Okay. Terrible, I know.

How long have you been doing stand-up? Less than a year. You know how long you've done it when you've counted how many spots you've done? How many spots have you done? 17. 17? Whoa, 17?

In a year? No, yeah. Well, because I started and then I stopped and now I'm starting to do it again. When you say spots, do you mean did comedy? Yeah. The great Dom Irera. Delving deep.

Well, at least he had material. Right. No, it's true. Casey, did you notice that you left the mic stand in front of you and then moved back? I did. I was super nervous. You know what else you forgot to do? Inhale.

At some point during that. It was really interesting. Like you just kept running out of air. It's important to breathe. I don't know if you have like gills or something like that, but it wasn't through your nose or your mouth. I've never really quite seen anything like it before. What were you breathing out of? I'm so out of shape.

I had to run from there to there. It's terrible. I got nothing. I've got no excuse on that. I'm sorry. Why don't you talk about that? I could have. I just wanted to go through the material I performed.

In my head, I thought I was going to do a lot better than I did, and I honestly didn't think I was going to get called. So, I don't know. I gave it my best. You have your material kind of written out, don't you? Yeah. You need to get away from that. Because that was what was so obvious that you were pretty much acting out

your comedy. Yeah, it seemed like you were trying to remember what you talked about. Did you get a little stoned before this? No, I don't smoke at all. Really? Your eyes are always that way? Yeah. Interesting. He didn't breathe, Tony. He didn't breathe at all. Right, that's true. That's just breathe at all. Right. That's true. That's just oxygen deprivation right there. That's what happens when you get choked out.

Your eyes get all red. You guys know you creepy fucks. I know you do. It's a creepy audience. I can tell. A lot of fucking murder documentary watchers in here. Everybody's seen the jinx in this room. Anyway, back to you.

One of the biggest things is I used to do that too. I used to have all my material and I had a story that I made out of all my material and I would just repeat that story after every mic. That's the biggest thing. You can tell when you do that because it's like you're acting out. You're not really talking. You're not talking to us. What do you do for work?

I work in TV for a horse racing network. That's good stuff. That's your biggest laugh all night. I know. I also work in radio too. What's it like on the horse racing network? What do you do specifically there? I just do production assistant work. So what do you end up doing?

A lot of nothing. Today I had nothing to really do. I just logged a bunch of races. Just killed a couple horses. Yeah. Well you're on your way to being a comedian I just logged a bunch of races. Just killed a couple horses. Yeah. Well, you're on your way to being a comedian if you do a lot of nothing. That's us. Yeah.

That's why we live the life. Yeah. I'm a big fan of all you guys, so thank you so much for letting me do this. Oh, yes. Yeah, I'm the biggest act here, and then the other guys are... We're good.

We're good. How long have you been working on a horse racing network? About a year now. It's alright. It's whatever. I'm just trying to do more comedy as much as I can. I just live in Simi Valley so I don't get a chance to really do it a whole lot. Simi Valley.

Yeah. That's like the top of the GTA map. Yeah. Yikes. Always scary. I only fly helicopters over it. I never actually get off my dirt bike.

I'd steal a jet at that one place. Do you have any other type of material besides hitting women? I do. You know, the thing is, I do more stories and it takes longer to get to the punchline. I love the segue when he said, I was to the punchline. And I just wanted to. I love the segue when he said, so I was, what, I was fucking this girl after he did all this

hitting movie. Yeah. I just wanted to get three jokes that were about 20 seconds each and I can get them all. And I don't, did I go over? I wasn't sure. I didn't hear the, okay. No. Okay.

Well, I just wasn't, I'm not used to doing that. A very interesting thing, guys, for anybody who gets called up here or is ever doing comedy of any kind you shouldn't rush the way that you talk based on the time of your set or else people would just be doing their half hours on Johnny Carson

and it's like you can't just rush material to get more laughs we have to be able to understand what you're saying. And you have to have punchlines, which is very important. I mean, Casey's not a good example. But I'm talking about like,

alright, forget it. Casey had literal punchlines. You just need more stage time. 17 times in one year is way too little. If you really want to be a comic, you need to at least do it twice, three times a week at least. So either decide to do it or just continue to whatever. In other words, your

setups are great. Your punchlines need work. Okay, cool. Thank you. Your punching also needs work. I noticed you said you took a swing and it was like this weird hook swing. You said, oh, I came out punching like Ray Rice. No, you came out punching

like someone with Down Syndrome. Sorry. Low blow. I know it's a low blow. No, it's good. I appreciate it. The elevator thing. When you said the music would be on the elevator, I just expected something so hilarious. I thought it was factual.

You know what I mean? How far away is Simi Valley from here? It's about half an hour from here. With no traffic. A lot of cars. Yeah. That's pretty good. Have you ever Googled Simi Valley, how it's radioactive?

You shouldn't be living there, and all your kids are going to be autistic with one nipple. I have not. Your kids are going to punch even worse than you. There was actually a big explosion there, and it was like, you're not supposed to live there. It was like large amounts of nuclear radiation. Are you sure you didn't watch an episode of The Simpsons? It's like Rocket Diner or something like that.

I think Rocket Diner. Yeah, I did hear about it, but I'm obviously still there, so I didn't really listen to it too much. Casey, if you want to do comedy, keep going on stage more often. You're averaging like a spot and a half per month. So get out there and do it. Okay, cool. Thank you guys so much.

Casey Moran, everybody. Getting us kick-started with a little poetry. Sometimes it's good. Yes, Semih Valley was the site of the worst nuclear disaster in U.S. history in 1959. What? True. That's why if you live in Semi Valley, you have sets like that.

Wow. Oh, nice. Saucy. Geez, oh man. Well, I guess it does make sense. Nuclear disaster. Put your hands together for your next comedian. Heather Marnelli?

Heather Marnelli? There she comes. Guys, I'm sexually active. Surprise. The worst thing about having sex in LA is that guys always want to tell you how freaky they are in bed. They want to prove that to you immediately.

They're like, girl, I'm a freak. I'm going to turn you out. I'm a real freak. And then the first thing they bring up is choking. Like, that's what they're... They're like, you want to get choked? You want to choke me? No, I don't want to choke you. like, you want to get choked? You want to choke me? No, I don't want to choke you. I don't want to get choked. Kids are doing, like that's like a

child's game too. Like the choking game, it's not really that freaky. Like real freaky things, like that, that's like a real mild thing in sexual adventure, okay? Because like in my personal experience, the freakiest thing I've ever seen in my circulation, more than one guy, thank you, is a guy who lays on top of me and he holds my eyes open really wide while we're doing it and I'm like, what is happening?

What is this? What did I do to deserve this? That's a true freak that's a true freak guys fuck yeah Heather Marnelli am I saying that right oh it's Marulli Marulli no it's my handwriting sorry

fuck yeah I love your style great stuff I especially love you as the band leader of Alabama Shakes oh that's good it's amazing that you could do that and come up here and crush for a minute real quick. She's very talented. She relaxes the audience by smiling.

Even if you're nervous, you're going back and forth. But I expected a punchline on the first choke thing. Yeah. You know what? I should have sat closer. I mean, I like... Right there, there was a hole for a joke.

You said, do you like getting choked? And you would go, can I finish my salad first? Do you know what I mean? Okay. No, I see what you're saying. The first part of the joke, I haven't really figured out. But the last part, I like. Like the setup. It went right to the punchlines

thank you yeah I never really understood the choking thing either I know Pat you're a really crazy one in bed you don't know that Tony oh boy there's no way you're Mr. Missionary Position nobody brings

three guitars to do a show like this and doesn't have extra moves in the bedroom. Well, what are you, I mean, are you in a pee-pee poo-poo? Oh, my God, wow. I'm not. He goes straight for third base, I guess. Lactation.

The choking thing is crazy, man. I hate the choking thing. It's weird when you know a friend likes it, though. Like my friend Ari Shafir, he's into it. He'll just go up to girls and just start choking them before he even says hello. It's hilarious. It's called a felony.

Yeah. Do you really have people always trying to choke you all the time? Actually, yeah. Yesterday that happened. Yesterday? Yeah. White guys? I. White guys. I have a male.

I have some companions. White guys, black guys. Yeah, on the Sabbath. White guys, black guys. Oh, no, he's Latino. I don't think black guys choke women. Black guys? They just punch the shit out of them.

Thank you. Don't get away off the scene. In the back of the head. No bruise, no bruise. Jesus. Oh, shit. Consensual. How long have you been doing stand-up? Two years.

Where are you from? I'm originally from New York. I grew up in Colorado. How long have you been here? A little over two years, yeah. So you started stand-up in LA. I started in LA. What did you move to LA for?

Stand-up and writing and all kinds of stuff. Anything artistic. What do you do for work? Oh, I work as a paralegal. Oh. At a law firm. I don't like it. It's for money.

Really? Yeah. Yeah. I thought it was for fucking the fun. Yeah, that paralegal crazy Wolf of Wall Street life, right? Yeah, real crazy. I absolutely

love that you decided to wear the Laugh Factory curtain here tonight. You know, really showing that you're an all-around fan of comedy. It's festive. It's a holiday. Not a lot of people have the balls to wear the Laugh Factory curtain to the comedy store because they're rival clubs.

She's showing. That's like wearing all red to a crit party. You know what I'm saying, white people? Yeah. Fuck yeah. Interesting. What else, Heather? What other things do you talk about other than being choked?

My crazy parents. What nationality are you? Deaf. Oh, I'm Italian, Czechoslovakian, Puerto Rican, and Cuban. Oh, Jesus Christ. I knew it. I told you. You were right.

Yeah. You're feisty, aren't you? Some have said. How many holes have you put in somebody's wall before? Oh, no. I'm not really a puncher of walls. I get really verbally violent with people.

If I get really set off, but it takes me a lot. You seem like you might be capable of, if you yell loud enough, breaking a wine glass. Yeah. No, I've heard. There's something very, like, there's something very powerful and, like, opera singer about you. Most people say I'm pretty loud. Yeah.

I bet. Yeah. You live in an apartment? Yeah, Tony. I live in an apartment. Whoa. Whoa. I just got Tony. Yeah. Ouch. That live in an apartment. Whoa, I just got Tony.

Ouch. That doesn't happen very often. What kind of question was that, though? You live in an apartment? Yeah. Setting up for my next question there, maestro. Is it bottom floor, top floor? Is there a tree that I can look through the window?

You son of a bitch. We've got to hear the next question. I'm trying to get at something here. You're like... Are you ticklish? Have your neighbors ever... You son of a bitch. What are we talking...

No ticklish references before nine. New rule. No? What, am I? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Not Tony. Yeah, I hate it.

You do? I hate getting tickled. Really? I hate it. Super ticklish. Yeah, like I'll punch somebody in hate getting tickled. Really? I hate it. Super ticklish. Yeah, like I'll punch somebody in the face. Oh, see? I don't like it at all.

That's tempting for you. I have a question. What's the smallest guy you've ever had sex with? Oh, you mean like height-wise? Height-wise, weight-wise? I dated a guy who was 5'6 for like a year. He's only 5'6? Yeah.

He's only 5'6 for a year? No. Oh! Once in a while I get weird. We dated for a year. Wow, 5'6. So what if you just used him as a dildo, right? No.

It's all the same when you're lying down. It's okay. Oh, wow. It's all the same when you're lying down. I'm sure tall people in here have had sex with smaller people. It's like you're horizontal. It doesn't matter. This is all shit you should be talking about.

Okay. Being sexually active and being, you know. No, I do talk a lot about that. Oh, that's great. Of course. Have you ever been with women? No, no. I'm 99.99%

straight. What's that.9? Does it finger? No, I made out with one of my girlfriends once. It wasn't for me. Girls are so soft. I like

stuffle. I like guys like I like guys I like men you know big fan this lonely Indian guy in the front is going crazy the only one to smile in that moment go for it buddy go get it

you want to talk about soft you got to see my cock but tasty but tasty You want to talk about soft, you've got to see my cock. Oh. But tasty. But tasty. Yeah. Soft serve. Now, we were talking about you being loud earlier.

Have you ever gotten a complaint from your neighbors at your apartment? Oh, from loud events? Anything. No. Really? No. I really try not to stay home ever. Your apartment? It's in a bad neighborhood.

It's in a Puerto Rican, Ukrainian, German, Czechoslovakian neighborhood. It's mostly a Mexican neighborhood. You don't have a pet. I live alone. That's how I'm able to afford to live alone. It's by living in a subpar neighborhood. I was going to see if you were going to say Mexican neighborhood again. No! It's like, I live in a terrible, terrible neighborhood.

I live in a neighborhood! They're mad. Now they're mad. The cleaning crew showed up early tonight. I speak Spanish. Right, Cuban and Puerto Rican. Now what's the split there? My mom is half Cuban, half Puerto Rican.

My dad is half Italian, half Czech. Wow. How many brothers and sisters do you have? I have a younger sister. And then I have an older half brother. And his dad was full Irish. Your mom is half Cuban, half Puerto Rother. And his dad was full Irish. Your mom is half-Cuban, half-Puerto Rican.

And she's only had two kids. No, she's had three. She's had three. Why do you got to be such a bitch? Oh, dog. Kidding. She's sweet. It was a joke.

I tried to interject a little comedy. You should try it sometime, Pat. Pat getting burnt. Heather, it's so much fun with you. I love your charisma and your style. Willie, anything else for Heather? You got the mic up. What's going on?

I'm still thinking about the five foot six guy. Did he ever try to choke you? Yeah. Would you let your neck down for him? How does that happen? No it's like it's really How tall are you? Did he do one of those extender arms? No

He jumped on her back No Just rear naked choke Just all out rowdy rowdy Dexter bathtub Let's. Dexter bathtub. Let's do Dexter bathtub choke. You know behind? Oh, I know what you're talking about.

For those of you that have seen that one episode of Dexter. Yeah, yeah. Fuck yeah. So was he dominant, submissive? No, he was very masculine. Dominant guy. Okay. This was like three years ago.

I didn't care about him anymore. What nationality was he? Oh, like Irish and German, whatever. Ew. It was like Irish and German. It wasn't Irish and German. What's your favorite type of guy? Do you find yourself mostly dating white guys that are like five foot six?

No, I just got out of a relationship with a really narcissistic Latino guy who just thought he was the best person. And he was like, no, I'm not. He was like, oh, interesting. Is he one of those

Mexicans? Was his name Jesus? No, it was actually his name is Josue. All right. Oh, dude. I know Josue. And with that, before we all get murdered, there's no way a guy named, what is it again?

Josue. Oh, yeah. It's the Spanish version of- He's got an AK-47, ladies and gentlemen. No. Yeah. How many teardrop tattoos does he have? No, he has zero tattoos.

Josue is the name of my tattoo artist. No joke. Okay. He literally said no joke and you laughed. Now I see why they want to choke you. No choke. No choke. Heather Maroli, everybody.

There she goes. We got a couple of zingers in there, boys. Follow her on Twitter. It's Fixed Air Heather. Fixed Air, A-I-R Heather. All one word. And Casey Moran, by the way, the first comedian,

is Casey Moran 1. M-O-R-A-N 1. Fuck yeah. It's like a real show in here. One more time for Heather Marulli, everybody. Pulled another name out of the bucket. This guy's name is Matthew Maloney. Ladies and gentlemen, I got a lot of love to give, but no one to give it to for free.

So I decided if I'm going to die alone at the very least, I'm going to watch something else do the same. That's right. I've decided to get a pet. But what kind of pet? Well, I'm not going to get a dog because I don't need another reason to feel guilty about not going on walks.

I'm afraid to get a cat because, tragically, feline addiction runs in my family. Seriously, like every time I visit relatives, fucking cats everywhere. And whenever one dies, three more grow in its place. Fish aren't pets. Barely decorations. And I'm actually not allowed to get any type of bird or reptile because I don't now, nor have I ever, worn a ponytail. So that just leaves me with one logical option.

I've decided to get a scorpion. And I found this out recently. It's actually illegal to order scorpions through the mail. Thanks again, 9-11. So I had to drive 130 miles. And I got... Just keep going. Was that the end of it? You had to drive 130 miles, then what?

Thanks, Tony. It's got a scorpion, everybody. For those of you that lost place. I was hoping to end with the 9-11 thing. There is more to that joke. It's like a 10-minute piece. Oh, okie-dokie. With that said, Matthew Maloney, everybody.

Matthew, nice to meet you. He took your advice. He said, don't worry about the time. Matthew, so nice to meet you. Hey, Tony. How are you doing? I really, really like you. You are by far the funniest giant 7-year-old I've ever seen

perform stand-up in my entire life. Like, of all the people that should be holding a giant baby rattle, you are the best. Matthew. I really like you. I mean, you have real jokes. Like, I love the thing about the dog. And how long have you been on stand-up? Still in my first year.

Wow. Yeah. You have great stage presence for being only in a year. Did you do something before that you were on stage? Yeah, he grew to be 6'9", 280 pounds. Yeah, I would say that you're going to be huge. 280 pounds. You're way off, but thank you.

for 280 pounds. You're way off, but thank you. Jesus Christ. That's what happens when you weigh 120 pounds like Pat. Brian, I did a lot of theater in high school and got a lot of comedic roles and stuff like that

in college. And dinner roles. Thank you. What did you play? What are some of the parts you played in college? Some of the parts you played. I don't know if you'd recognize. Oh, you know what? Fiddler breaking through the roof.

I can watch that. Jesus Christ. Tony, I'm fat. We can't all look like you, man. I know. I love it. Yeah, you can. I've ate. The can't all look like you, man. I know. I love it. Yeah, you can. The Lord knows you can handle our...

Not only do you step on my line, but you crush me at the same time? Jesus! Don't do both! Dom, I played Benjamin Braddock's dad in The Graduate in high school, and I played Caliban in The Tempest. So those are two of the roles I played the Democratic's dad in The Graduate in high school, and I played Caliban in The Tempest. So those are two of the roles I played. Well, you might recognize me from my portrayal of the rabbi in Fiddler on the Roof.

Maybe this is a bit familiar. May God bless and keep the Tsar far away from us. What do you think? I think you're good. What the fuck? That was a lot like the Dexter chokeout right there. His worst podcast listener in South Korea right now, like, that's a good one. He's right.

He's right. They can't both be right. No, I think you are funny because you saw him when he, how he came to the stage. Oh, yeah. I don't know if you noticed, but you bend over and almost kill a couple people and showed us your ass crack. It was amazing. You did get up. You are the first butt crack I've ever seen on the show.

Oh, the horse of true. You saw that too? Yeah, you got up out of that chair there and, you know, sometimes even comedians can get plumber's crack and it was very impressive. Me, Willie, and Dom both noticed it. We couldn't believe it. That's what it takes to really...

No, that's my opening. It's the ass crack. Do you go out on a lot of auditions here now? No, I'm not doing auditions to be a Hollywood actor. Are 5'6 girls always trying to choke you? No one's trying to choke me. Do you know that other girl?

You should grab that shit. You know what I'm saying? Take her back to your crib. Fucking rattle that shit. How many times do you get up in a week? I don't get on stage that often, but I go to open mics to try to get up. I do four open like a week? I don't get on stage that often but I go to open mics. I try to get up.

I do four open mics a week. We have to get you an audition for Orange is the New Black. Like as fast as we possibly can. I'll take it. I'll be there. Fuck yeah. Matthew, I really, really like your style. How long have you been doing it again?

Less than a year? All in LA? Let's see Mostly in LA A little bit in the Palm Desert area Where I'm from And I do a lot of stuff in Pasadena I guess that's LA

But the Ice House I do The Ice House a lot So you live out in the desert Yeah How does that affect you? It's hotter than most places, but I like it. It's fine. It's a weird place.

A lot of weirdos, right? No, not by your standard. No. You just got burnt by your high school social studies teacher. Matthew, I love your style. Anything else for many parting words for Matthew Maloney? Continue, man. You're funny.

Just continue. Thank you very much. Just get on more, that's all. Get on five times a week. Yeah. I try. Thank you very much. That theater background really shows you're fun to watch.

Matthew Maloney, everybody. There he goes. He's on Twitter at Matthew E. Maloney. You got very nice hair, man. Yeah. I'd like to see that side of you. He's on Twitter at Matthew E. Maloney. Yeah. Fuck, yeah. Guys, how exciting. Oh, I love this.

I always love one-name people. You never know what you're going to get. Like Plato or Cher. Yeah. Yeah, like Socrates. This one is R-A-A-B. So I'm going to guess it's Rob. Rob? Yes, my name is Rob.

Not like a rabbi. A lot of people think that. But I am like a third Jew. I'm like the J of Jew. I'm not the E of Jew. Alright. Most Jewish thing about me is my nose, my beard, and how I won't pay for a Spotify account. So, fuck.

99 cents for three months? Fuck, I'll still shuffle. I don't care. I'm the product of five dudes. I have my mom and five dads growing up. Not all at the same time either, though. My mom's not like a Mormon hoe with a starting lineup already. But they lasted about four years apiece growing up.

They were kind of like presidents that don't get re-elected. So she's actually ending her fifth marriage right now. Well, she's not. He is. Well, he's not. Cancer is. So, but it's cool because she can get back to the one true hobby she's been longing to do, and that's getting remarried. But it's cool because she can get back to the one true hobby she's been longing to do, and that's getting remarried.

But if she goes for that sixth ring, guys, she'll have as many rings as Michael Jordan, and that's the champion of fucking marriage and divorcing. Wow. Gave the surfer salute as the cat came in, knowing exactly that it was a minute. He tossed down the gauntlet like, follow that, motherfucker. Yeah.

Yeah. It's almost like he would drop the mic if he wasn't afraid it would break and he'd be charged for it. How's it going, Rab? It's going good. I like your style, man. You used to work at the Pink Dot, right?

Yeah, yeah. Do you still work there? No. I love how you say that. Like, no fucking way I'd ever. Not for that fucking Persian Jew, no. Wow. I'm sorry.

He's a fucker. Wow. One in the pink, two in the stink. I mean, my God. There's some real anger down there at that corner, huh? I think you left out bastard. You can't say Persian Jew without bastard. Bastard Persian Jew. Yeah. Can I hear you do that?'t say Persian Jew without bastard. Bastard Persian Jew.

Can I hear you do that? The bastard Persian Jew? No, the bastard's gotta be at the end. Oh, the Persian Jew bastard. There you go. You're on your way to show business, pal. Nothing like alienating the Jews in Hollywood. Fuck yeah. Yeah.

How's stand-up been going? What's it been like? A couple years you've been doing it? Just over two, yeah. How's stand up been going? What's it been like a couple years you've been doing it? Just over two yeah Yeah How's it going for you? It's been good The job, the daily job prevents me from doing it some nights But try and get out as much as possible Uh huh

Yeah Starting to get some shows here and there now I don't do the networking thing really You don't? No What do you mean? You don't talk to people? I don't suck dick to get ahead

That's like all it is I don't suck dick to get ahead That's like all it is Were you implying that we do No That's what it sounds like Maybe Do you really think that's what's happening Is like this crazy Illuminati dick sucking thing It's some kind of

And like the people at the top Like Louis, Bill Burr, Dave Chappelle They're just goerping it all down There's a difference between them And then the people that are Working here some of them top, like Louis, Bill Burr, Dave Chappelle. They're just glurping it all down. There's a difference between them and then the people that are working here, some of them. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa.

He's bitter before he's done anything. Wait, I'm guessing you're one of the guys that in the last two weeks showcased to be an employee here. Am I correct? Is that some of that? No. Do you want to work here? No. So then why are you hating on the employees of the comedy? Or are you talking about the show?

It's just some power, like, head power shit like these people have, I feel like. Is someone treating you bad here? I kind of get, like, a little... You want to call them out right now? Yeah. Let's do it. They want it! They don't care.

It's all good. Course of truth. You have to do it They want it They don't care It's all good Course of truth Come on You have to do it Who are you upset with? I'm not gonna I'm not gonna put Anything out there I'm not gonna put

Anything out there Come on Nobody listens to this anyway Don't worry Come on You're You know It's cool

Like somebody Fucked you Cause it's not Really bothering me It's cool like somebody because it's not really bothering me it's just like oh no it is bothering me yeah it is super bothering me

yeah because it's not really bothering me you don't want to throw anybody under the bus nah yeah it's cool

why even though you look like a guy that would throw somebody under the bus like literally I look like I'd bomb them

and then throw them under the bus you look like like somebody like him and then throw him under the bus. You look like somebody, like, when's Jackass 4 coming out? You know what I mean? You look like Ryan Dunn got reincarnated and glued pubes to his face. I get a lot of that, so it's fine. Fuck yeah. What do you do for fun now?

This. That's it. What do you do for fun now? This. That's it. Where do you mostly go up? Like, what's your home club if it's not this place? I love trying to get up in the improv here. I don't know, man. Just bounce around with open mics, really. You have really good jokes, man.

It's a shame that you hate somebody at the comedy store because we could work this shit out and you could be happy we were gonna get you in before you said that yeah that was the opening but rap it's not it's not i don't i think that you're uh like going the wrong way thinking that two years in that you're gonna get traction and like to be better you know what i mean like it takes it takes fucking years no i know i know just being out every single night it's it's it's the it's the the the different clicks it's very high school clicking and i feel like they don't think i'm funny so it's like i'm don't get these shows and i don't oh you just can't find a click yeah i'm my own click i

oh this is speaking i love it by the way it's the second time that the Alone Indian guy clapped. I just caught you again, you motherfucker. This guy's defending everything lonely tonight. It's the most beautiful thing. It's fucking perfect. You know, the comedy store is very high school clicky. It's just because all of us hang out here every single night. So if you come here once a week it is going to be like high school.

Who's this guy? Is he going to kill us? Is he a comic? Does he have a knife on him? We have no idea who... So the only thing I can say is if you think that it's because it is. It really is a group of friends that hang out every single day. And they're going to get that anywhere. It's a big

overhype thing that the comedy store is clicky because all it is is a shit ton of comedians all thrown together in one crazy funhouse. So naturally certain people are going to hang out. And people that are improv people and people that are alt people, they're just as clicky as anybody here. Oh, yeah. Big time. So you're going to find groups of friends in any profession that you do. Labeling it in your head is flicky. I'm trying to make it like high school where I just fit

into everybody, but it doesn't. What you might not know is there's people like Gerard Carmichael who get along with every click all the way through. Every click high-fives them as he goes by. That's attainable. Then everyone else, every other comedian

enters the place and is like, fuck, everybody hates me. That's how I felt. That's how I feel all the time. You're becoming extremely sad. Sad comedians. Wow. It's a mindfuck, man.

Looks like you two are going to have to go see Mumford and Sons after this together and fucking man it out. This shit is a mind fuck. I know our friend right here will join you guys. Clappy Mc- what the fuck? Clappy McClaperson? Feedback, more feedback. Yeah, we argue about this.

The standout thing about your I mean, the jokes are fine. You have a great look. The feedback's great, but the The standout thing about your, I mean, the jokes are fine. You have a great look, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I mean, the feedback's great, but the fact that you have issues at a place like this, you know, and that's what you're talking about, and that sucking dick thing, that's just like, that's cliche for people like us that have been doing it a longer time to hear from somebody that's been doing it less than three years and doesn't realize yet that it's not dick sucking and it's not kissing ass.

It's you have to make friends Yeah, I'm gonna change that be so good. They can't deny you instead like channel that anger into into humor Yeah, channel channel all that cuz we all have fucking rage in us Try to make those clicks that you don't think like you laugh at you and then you go you went you're so fucking good Nobody can deny it Yeah, and shave your beard. There he goes, everybody. Grab, everybody.

That's how quick it happens. The Muslims like that joke in the middle of the room. Thank you for laughing. Pro beards. This episode's had a lot of everything, right? I'll never forget when I started sucking cock at the comedy school. 40, 50 cocks a day. Really?

It was rough back then, kids. There was no AIDS. I used to spit it back in their face. You spit the jizz back in their face? Will you let the fucking joke go? Let me do my minutes and you can ask. I pulled another name out of the bucket.

It's Amory Lee. Oh, shit. Wow, no, we lost a good one. I had faith in this one. You know what that means, Pat? Are you sure you're not in the room and you've just gotten shy? Amory Lee. I feel like she's in this one. You know what that means, Pat? Are you sure you're not in the room and you've just gotten shy? Amory Lee. I feel like she's in this room. She must be taking

a shit. Guys, your next comedian. Wait, you didn't do the sound effects and she got banned. She got blacklisted. Make a noise. Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun. I think we should lose that tradition. I think they just get moved on. No. Ify Nwadawe. Ify Nwadawe.

Nice opening. Growing up, my dad always used to dress me up. Like, no matter where we were going, I'd always get dressed up. So, like, if it was a birthday party, I was in a suit. If it was a dinner party, I was in a suit. Slumber party, I was in a suit. But I grew up in Compton, California, the hood. So it just always looked like I had a court date.

So I was like, who is this thug-ass baby? It was just going everywhere. It was me. I was the thug baby. You know, racism is real big right now, you know. Raise your hand if you're racist. Shout out to you. But everything has a silver lining.

Everything has a bright side. And I kind of figured it out. See, racism isn't that bad. See, because racism creates racists, and then racists become racist dads. And racist dads have daughters who want to fuck black dudes. So when you really look at it, it's not that bad. Man, that wasn't a minute, guys. Let's just wrap it up. That's perfect. 55 seconds of Ippie

Nwataway. Am I saying that right? Nwataway? Yeah. It's like the end is silent. This is your second time on the show, right? Yeah. We've met you before. The luck of the bucket brings you back. Another funny minute. Last time was fun too, right? Yeah, yeah. It was a good time. You are the buffest nerd I've ever seen in my entire life.

It's like you just fucking lift weights and steal glasses from your grandma and wear them. It's incredible. You are ripped. Some chick broke your heart and you just won't stop. Or dude broke your heart and you just will not stop lifting weights.

It was like the ad in the back of the comic where I was the nerd at the beach, got the sand kicked on me and then I ordered the stuff and it worked. Fuck yeah. I love it. Where are you from? LA. LA native. Wow. From Compton.

Compton, California. Straight out of Compton. You got a booty like... I don't know if it's really straight out of Compton on this one. So did you see... Really? Other kids were in gangs. He's taking piano lessons. You know what you got more than anything?

Likeability. Yeah. Likeability, you can't buy that. You look like a guy that we want to hang with. And that's a very cool thing in comedy. It's just part of you. So keep that going and write some funny shit. Is this on?

Yeah. I'm used to bigger laughs. You got a booty like J-Lo and glasses like Zsa Zsa Gabor. Oh, wow. There's the half-court shot that Pat shoots once an episode. Time was running out again. Every once in a while. Pat's like that ball boy that gets stuck on the court when the team comes back down and gets run over.

But sometimes he makes those deep three-pointers. Ify, that's such a cool name. Is that your real name? Yeah, it's short for Ify Shakude. Wow. Your parents hate you. Oh, wait, what that noise means. That's a blackest black eye of the night sound.

So what's your full name? Do you have a middle name in the middle of that? Yeah. Holy shit. Okay, can you say the whole thing? Yeah, Ify Shakude Ijeoma Mwadiwe. Wow. Wow. Wow.

Almost took up an entire 60 seconds just on the name. We almost heard the sound of a kitty there. Ify, what do you do for work? Right now I get paid to play video games. Nice. Nerd. Nerd. Yeah, I'm a host for Geek & Sundry on Twitch.tv.

So if you guys like watching people play video games, get up on that. What are you playing right now? Right now we're playing Metal Gear Solid, The Phantom Pain. That's pretty sweet. Long-ass cut scenes. Do you watch that, Red Band? I watch it all the time. To me, Twitch is my new falling asleep.

I'll just put on some video game. I don't even give a shit. Just listen to somebody play video games and fall asleep. And you just shoot and kill people all around the world. Yeah. So that's your outlet for the natural Compton side of things, right? Yeah.

Most people were actually doing it, and then GTA came out, and I was like playing, and I was like, oh, guys, I'll just do it from the inside. You know, Tony, that comment was a little bit iffy. Oh, wow, there he goes. Now he's just throwing beach balls at everybody.

Throwing beach balls on a basketball court. Stop the game! You're like a streaker. You're like a fully on a basketball court. Stop the game. You're like a streaker. You're like a fully clothed streaker. Dude, I've been getting naked on an Eric Andre show. Watch out for it, baby. You know what that whistle means. Pat's gone over his word limit for the night, everybody.

This is the part where we put a red ball gag in Pat's mouth. He's only allowed to speak through his guitar from this point on no um iffy so what i just love saying i love that name yeah that's great iffy what do you like to do for fun other than play video games you know comedy that's like since i coming come comedy and comedy you know we all masturbate before we write, right? Right. Yeah. But like, yeah, since I do improv, sketch, and stand-up, lots of comedy to keep me busy. You're so likable. Again, another guy.

Are you getting auditions or anything? Yeah, I was in Comedy Bang Bang and Key & Peele. Oh, nice. Oh, yeah. You're going to be great. It's done. I love the idea of the height of laziness is to watch somebody play video games. Yeah, it really is. How much lazier can you get?

That's it. Dom, I'm right with you, man. I don't know what this fucking world is coming to. You're over your limit, pal. Ify, anything else? Willie, you got anything for Ify? it, pal. Ify, anything else? Willie, you got anything for Ify? Willie, at one point, whispered in my ear during your set that he's going to cast you

in the Carmichael show. No pressure, Willie, but anything you want to say to Ify? He could play Laurel Standen, there's no doubt about it. Yeah, he could be. You seem like you have very good parents. Were they together the whole time? Nope, not at all. My dad got remarried.

He's from Nigeria. My mom didn't. She's from Louisiana. And two presents for Christmas. That's the way I always look at the bright side. Two parents. Was the new mom lighter skin? Yeah, it was like it was.

Like Fresh Prince. Yep. Yeah, I was like, oh, man. You woke up one day and was like, I got a light-skinned mom now? That's all I had to say. That's why he writes on the Carmichael show right there. Look out for a Fresh Prince reference coming next week on NBC. I think it's so cool that you look at it that way so positively,

the two Christmas presents, two presents, as opposed to the fact that two people didn't love you enough to stay together. Just another angle. It's the best. I've been getting these emails from your dad. I'll never be able to have a rich uncle wanting to send me money.

It's always going to spam. I think that's what I said last time he was on the show. Yeah. Yeah. Pat. Way to go. It's Fat Jew. Fat Jew.

Dude, I fucking own the Fat Jew shit. You can find me on Twitter. My name is Fat Jew on Twitter. But it's not really Fat Jew. It's at Patty Reagan. Yeah, but my name is Fat Jew. Right. I was going to change it to Doc McStuffins.

It's on Disney XD. It's an animated show. All right, maybe if we just cut the mic wire. Maybe. I don't know. We'll figure something out. Oh, jeez. Come on, man.

You kidding me? Jesus. I almost went under this table. I was so close to being under this table. Wow. I was going to flip the table over. You really sat on it tonight, Brian. Oh, my God!

I forgot that's even part of the show. Oh, man! You got me. I actually jumped at Dom jumping. I'm like, what? It's Dom jumping. I actually jumped at Dom jumping. I'm like, what?

It's Dom jumping. We've seen so many great comedians have the shit scared out of them by that sound effect over the last few months. It's really impressive. Ify, I noticed you didn't even flinch at that gunshot. Is that from being from Compton? Yeah, I did get a flashback. I was like, oh, protocol, hide the

colors and get on one knee. Gotta praise subservient to a gang. I chose Bloods this time. Have you ever run into, are you still in Compton? No, I'm in Koreatown now. Out the hood into another hood. Moving on up. You went from crib to hip. Yeah. I feel like you went from...

I feel like that's a lateral move. Koreatown is like... I can just tell that guy behind you that said yep has no fucking idea what he's talking about. Koreatown is where I can just tell that guy behind you that said yep has no fucking idea what he's talking about Koreatown's where Koreatown's where people who move to LA they either end up in Koreatown or Hollywood two shit neighborhoods

me? 27 years back to the show everybody back to the show hey settle down you don't have a microphone sir thank you somebody tell that second base umpire to keep it quiet over there. Son of a bitch.

Questions are over. Ify, I had so much fun with you. Nice to meet you. Ify Nwadawe. Follow him on Twitter at Ify's Not Funny. I-F-Y-S Not Funny. I-F-Y-S Not Funny. All one word. I could totally tell that's one of those guys that is going to be a star. It's incredible.

Josh, I'll take a drink, too. Yep. Anyway. Josh, one more for me, too. I worked fucking 13 hours today. Wow. Whoa, somebody's about to drop. What were you doing for 13 hours?

I worked on Eric Andre's show. It was peppercorn bing bong. I got in a horse costume. I fucking danced around. You know, I remember when the show used to be over here. You would say an occasional thing. Hey, sorry. Get a more, less compelling personality in this chair.

He really is. He's a one-man band. The last couple weeks, his confidence has grown through the roof. 13-hour day today. Eric Andre show. Getting naked. Fuck yeah, baby.

That's when you know it's all happening. Are you a little fuckboy on that show? What are you? They make you dress up naked in horse outfits and stuff? No, I was Look at your butt and stuff? I've been featured on the show the whole time I've been doing shit

And I get naked They have a bit called Naked Pat Where I get oiled up while they're doing an interview I get in the guest aisle And I go and take their lunch order naked Can you always do me a favor on this show? Yeah. Stay clothed.

Yeah. I'm begging you. No problem. I'm the oiled up white guy that they all get to look at your butthole and stuff. No, adults swim. They have to censor that out, right? What? Yeah, they censor that.

But Eric does shit. He'll hop on a desk and try to take a shit. He drank his own pee two days ago. Wow. They're going to have to censor that. I'll tell you that. They are? Yeah. They're going to have to censor. Why? Yeah, Tony. They're going to have to censor that, I'll tell you that. They are? Yeah.

Yeah, Tony, they're going to have to censor Eric drinking his own pee. Fear Factor NBC had women drinking horse cum. Google it. Wait a minute. Hey, are we on Yo Tony? What's going on?

You've seen that. Did you ever see the Fear Factor where the girls drank the horse cum? No, I can't watch that eating eyeball shit. I love Joe, but I couldn't watch it. That's why they the Fear Factor where the girls drank the horse cum? No, I can't watch that. I eat and eyeball shit. I love Joe, but I couldn't watch it. Right. They're fucked up. That's why they canceled Fear Factor is that episode, by the way. Really?

Yeah. Wow. They said nay, huh? Yeah. What kind of cunt? Guys. That's called a punchline. Let's keep the show moving.

Your next comedian, Yadoy Travis. Wow. Barely a crowd favorite. Hey, everybody. A little fact about me. A couple weeks ago, I had a panic attack. Thought about killing myself. I was on a rooftop by a pool.

Thought about jumping right off. And then I thought about killing myself. I was on a rooftop by a pool, thought about jumping right off, and then I thought about it, I realized I could never kill myself, because I know all my moves, you know? Be a real even fight, is what I'm saying. You know what I mean? Be like, yeah, block, get out of here with that weak shit, you know? Trained in the same gym, I'm the same dude. What the fuck are you doing? I stay up late at night watching tapes of myself trying to find holes in my defense and I can never do it, you know? I just never do it. I'm sort of done with white people thinking that the weirdest shit makes them not racist. I met a girl a while ago who was in a class on Southern Lit that I was in and she was from Portland or something like that. She said the words with her own mouth.

She goes, I can't be racist. I've never even seen a black person. What? It's not about opportunity, man. It's not like, I can't be racist. I haven't had a chance to prove myself. You know? Thank you. Fuck yeah.

That's fun. Where are you from, you doy? Atlanta. Atlanta. How long have you been in town for? I moved here a year ago. Talking to the mic. Sorry.

Oh, you've been here a year. Yeah. Nice. How long did you do stand-up in Atlanta? Two years and then a year here. Punchline? Sorry? Punchline Atlanta?

Oh, I don't like the punchline. So you're a Republican, right? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You bounce back and forth. Yeah you're a Republican, right? Yeah, yeah. You know, I bounce back and forth. Yeah. You ever do a Keys night? Keys night?

I heard about a room in Atlanta where you go up and if the audience doesn't like you, they shake keys at you. Oh, that's it. Uptown. I would do the Thursday mic, but that was on Sunday. So never Keys night. You ever do the Laughing Skull? Yeah, I featured there last time I was there.

Me too. Oh, yeah? I'm doing that in November. Actually, my friend... Want to meet in the middle of the week? My friend Austin, Dom, actually, I think hosted for you when you were at the Improv. Austin? Yeah, it was a couple years ago. I've only done the festival there.

I think you were headlining. No, your friend Austin. My friend Austin, notlining. No, your friend Austin. My friend Austin. Not Austin. Willie, can you be the light-skinned middleman in this conversation? I'm from Alabama, so yeah. It's like the picture

of like Cro-Magnum Man standing up. But then from skin tone. Oh, okay. You know what I'm saying. You know what I'm saying, Willie. It's like a before and after for skin bleach as we go from left

to right. What is that? No, that's not where that sound effect would play, Brian. I think you have that completely confused with a good moment of a show. So you've only been out here for a year.

The culture is different, right? Do you know anyone out here or you just came out here by yourself? Oh, I was all alone. Wow. You got a girlfriend? I call bullshit. You got a girlfriend. I met her.

Whoa. Whoa, wait a minute. Where'd you meet her at? I just threw him under the back of the bus. Canary bread? Yeah. Two people. Okay, good.

What happened here? What happened, audience? Is everybody okay? Did something get weird? It's me. Austin, who? What the fuck happened? Your friend's name was Austin or it was in Austin, Texas?

You've got to get to the bottom of this. It was Austin in Austin, Texas. Oh, no. His name's Austin Shardack. How long have you had a girlfriend for? Eight months. Wow, so you met her out here. In college.

I went back for Christmas, and then we... What college? Emory University. And then you met her there, and you brought her to L.A.? Very briefly. She's now in Scotland for a year. Damn. That's smart in Scotland for a year. Damn. That's smart.

Oh, yeah. How's it smart, Willie? Yeah, Willie. You know, guys, I don't know if we have enough time for me to get into this. Well, you know, it's a new relationship. It's going to get rocky. She's going to be mad at you because you're spending a lot of time with stand-up. So she thought, you know, I'm going to go to Scotland and just see some things.

And then you're like, cool. She's getting her master's. See, she's working over there. What's she getting it in? Neuroscience. Wow. Look at this. A little smarty pants.

Smarter than me. Holy shit. What did you major in? What? What did you major in? Psychology. So neuroscience for lazy people. Fuck yeah.

What are you doing Friday? I'd like to have you on the Death Squad show at the Ice House. Oh, yeah. Thank you. I'm not busy at all. All right, cool. There you go. How many dicks did you suck to get that?

Eleven. Rab, learn something here tonight. It's all about sucking those dicks. Takes eleven dicks down the gullet to get a spot at the ice house on a Friday night. Yadoy, so fun. Another person,

I mean, I feel like we've seen a lot tonight. Tons of likability. Likable people. It's incredible. Because I think back to a couple weeks back and we had some real fucking shitheads on this show, Tony. I was here last week. I was just trying not to be another John Johnson.

Oh, you know. He's not a bad guy. I believe it. He killed himself after that episode, actually. John Johnson did. It was rough. So, Pat, how long have you been hosting the show? Take it to your power. I'm telling you, Tony. So there you go.

I almost called you Ify Nwataway. It's Yadoy Travis, everybody. There he goes. So nice to meet you, Yadoy. He's on Twitter at Professor Doy. Professor Doy. D-O-Y-E. Doy-ay.

Doy-ay. Okay, sure, you don't have to be an uppity asshole about it. Jesus Christ, dude. Just because your girlfriend went to Scotland, you don't have to act French. I have nothing. But you do have a spot at the Ice House on Friday. Yeah. However, turns out exchange rate, two more dicks you have to suck after tonight.

Hey, I'm good. Okay, let's keep bumping. Well, maybe we should. No, we should do one more. No, we can't. No. If we can. It's already pulled, Tony.

If we have. Okay, we have to do an extra short one with Logan Gunselman. Hello. Okay, I have a question. Do you guys think that this would be a good slogan for Coinstar? You guys know what Coinstar is? Yeah. Do you think it would be a good slogan for Coinstar? You guys know what Coinstar is?

Yeah. Do you think it would be good if it was, Coinstar, be poor loudly. Cool. I'm pretty poor. Is that relatable for any of you? No, is that? Okay.

Can I ask, ladies, is this relatable? Ladies, are you ever... Ladies. You ever really vibing with a guy and he goes to charge his phone and he's having like a really hard time plugging his charger into his phone

and you realize that you don't want to fuck him anymore? Does that happen? I don't want to fuck him anymore? Does that happen? I don't want to go over because you said short. I'll stop. Sure, okay. I mean, by the way, that's the epitome of what I was talking about when I tell people to take their time, you know?

You're so fun to listen to. Thank you. Awesome. Easy listening. Great jokes. Yeah, so fun. Thanks. I just want to give a special shout-out.

We have one of my favorite people from the hit show on NBC, Undateable, going back for season two. It's Rick Glassman is here, everybody. NBC. Rick Glassman. Undateable, NBC Carmichael show. I still love him. I'd like to give a shout out to the NBC Peacock sitting in the back left corner over there. We have the whole family.

I always find the Peacock jokes to be funnier than everybody else. I always try to squeeze them in. Rick, how's it going over there? Season three. Season three. I had a feeling when I was saying it. I knew something was wrong. A true detective? A true detective season three? No. Undateable.

But season three, the whole thing is live. Like you said, that's awesome. Rick, can you tell us about Chris D'Elia and what's he like? Brent Warren, the guys that are really talented. Who would tell us about him? Brent I've been friends with for a long time. He's super funny. Stop it. I love you so much. Never mind. Rick Glassman is here long time. He's super funny. Chris is...

Stop it. I love you so much. Rick Glassman is here, everybody. One of the best. How long have you been doing comedy? Two years. How long would you say you have a set? What's your main? I could do like 20.

Really? I'd like to see you at the Ice House Friday. Whoa! Double. Thank you. Double Ice House Friday. Whoa! Double. Thank you. Double Ice House spots all at once. I can feel the anger in the back of the room of comedians that were on before these two, and the ones especially that never got picked out of the bucket at all. I mean, just furious, lovely anger.

I actually feed off of it. Anyway, Logan, that's so interesting. i feel like you're one of the people that i've seen around here a lot for a couple years but i've never seen on stage so this is it's always it's always a different like interesting thing i feel like i normally see people before everybody else does but with you i feel like i've seen you hanging out here a lot you've been i feel like you've been going hard for two years right like lots of spots yeah yeah i've been trying to. I feel like I have made eye contact with you awkwardly and I've been like, I can't talk.

I'm going to keep walking because this is weird. Did somebody just fall underwater over there? What was that noise? What was that? I didn't know that they added a shallow end to the belly room. Very interesting. The noises that come out of this room sometime.

Fuck yeah. Where'd that thing go? Oh yeah. Logan, I like the cut of your jib. I like the V of your neck. I like the waist of your pants. I like the strap of your sandals. Wow.

Whoa. Somebody's going to write a song about Logan eventually. You can find a word to rhyme with sandals. You're going to have it. So, Logan, what else do you do? I have a day job. I work at an auction house. Wow.

Are you the auctioneer? No, I'm not. Everyone always asks that. Of course. I'm a hack. Thank you for pointing that out. Well, someone had to tell you. Logan, I'm sorry. We have to do an extra

short thing with you, so that's your time. Logan Gunselman. She's here at the Ice House Friday night. She's on Twitter at a Dirty Guns. I hope I'm not cutting you guys off with anything. No, no. I've seen her perform before. She's very funny. It's time to get to the part of the show where our two regulars go on.

It's always my favorite part of the show. We have two people that write and perform a brand new minute every single week. And recently we just switched out for two new regulars and the other old two regulars now go up in the original room on this night and do a longer set.

And now we have two new ones anyway. Fifteen by the way is the answer. If you're wondering how many dicks they had to suck. Yeah. Fifteen. by the way, is the answer. If you're wondering how many dicks they had to suck. Fifteen. Seems like a low number until you just know that fifteen's the amount of dicks. Undisclosed how many

times you have to suck those fifteen dicks. That's the important part. Don't you have a song about that? No, dude. I write songs about my real life. And without further ado, I'm going to bring up your first regular doing a brand new 60 Seconds. You know her from Kill Tony, everybody, as one of the newest regulars. Put your hands together for Melissa Esslinger, everyone.

Here she is. Hello. So it turns out that people don't always mean what they say when they tell you things. I was house-sitting recently, and she said I could wear anything that I wanted. I stopped at the underwear drawer. It's all right. But I had her clothes laundered, and when I brought them back, she was like, you really like to indulge in your crazy, don't you?

I'm like, well, you told me I could. All right. People tell me that I should be just myself. And it's hard because you have to know who that is to be able to do that. And when you

don't really know who that is, then you know, you get swayed around really easy and all of a sudden you're like playing Dungeons and Dragons on a Labor Day Monday um I'm sorry that's it oh my god how dare you close with an apology Melissa Esslinger everybody writing a brand new minute every week is one of the hardest things in the world. And it takes a gigantic set of balls to even try it. What did you talk about?

I was trying about people not meaning what they say. People are fake. I can immediately tell you that what happened there is we don't know what you were talking about. You said underwear. What are you saying? I said I house sat recently, and she said I could wear anything. Wear any of her clothes. Right.

See, I was thinking you were talking about your clothes, and I was so confused. I didn't get the joke. You need to really explain that because not many times you house sit and go, oh, you could wear any of my clothes, by the way. You don't have to bring clothes. You can just go through my drawers. Well, it's girl stuff. Clearly, Brian. I don't think guys are going to say, hey, you can wear

any of my clothes. Yeah, but did you get that? I didn't get that. I sort of thought that maybe that's what you were saying, but it definitely has to be more clear. And then what you do, if she did say, you can try on any of my clothes and wear any of my clothes that you want? You went for the underwear.

No, I said don't worry. I stopped at the underwear. But that would be better. Did this really happen? Did you try on clothes for somebody that you were house-sitting for? No. Wait a second. I don't know if I believe that.

She said I could. I wore a few T-shirts. Well, let's talk about it. I wore a lot. Yeah, that's the good stuff out there. She said that I could. I wore a few t-shirts. Well, let's talk about it. Yeah, that's the good stuff out there. She said that I could. Apparently, she was just being nice. She wasn't actually...

Because I ran out of clean clothes. Oh, jeez. Happens. Did you at least wash your clothes? Yeah, I even had them professionally washed. I paid money that I don't have. Well, honestly. I would have saved money if I had just done my laundry.

Were the panties real soiled? I did not. I did not actually. Great question. I went commando instead of going for commando. You went naked in her pants? No. Wow.

Just lip to denim. Whoa, whoa, whoa. I said shirts. And what was the other thing? What did you talk about after the close? We say puss to Jordache. Puss to Jordache. Okay, Pat, settle down over there.

Melissa, what did you talk about after the close? Being yourself and not knowing. I'm still figuring that out. Right. That was more like just a real statement than a joke. And what came after that? Oh, I was playing Dungeons and Dragons.

Oh, yeah. Did you play Dungeons and Dragons? Maybe. Yeah. I did. You have to be able to commit one way or another. Yes, I did. I did. I did. Today? Yes. Really?

It was two weeks in preparation, too. Yeah. Your Dungeons & Dragons hangout was planned for two weeks? Yeah. I just kind of jumped on the bus like, all right, cool. The Dungeons & Dragons bus? Where does that go through? I don't understand this.

So random people meet up in a building and it's kind of like playing poker, but you don't have sex with women. How many girls are at these things? I'm the only one. This is the stuff that you have to talk about, that you have to delve into. Instead of doing three different jokes

about three different things, talk about playing Dungeons and Dragons talk about why you wanted to wear clothes and that you run out of laundry no matter how hard you try you gotta delve in and really break it down to find the meat because playing it on the surface

isn't always gonna be you know there so did every single one of those guys give you their phone number or FTP address or anything like that? It's a joke for you hackers in the audience. Melissa, we're going to roll on.

Thank you so much. Melissa Esslinger. Follow her on Twitter. Melissa Esslinger. We have one other regular. Your final comedian of the night is also one of the newest two regulars here. She is 19 years old ladies and gentlemen Ali Makovsky thanks uh when I was in the third grade I had a hernia uh which is pretty crazy I had to get surgery for my hernia and uh it was in an uncomfortable area for a third grader

you know it was like down here and uh my mom was concerned you know she was like hey doctor is that scar going to be visible forever and the doctor was like well once your daughter gets pubes no one's going to see the scar like first of all why is my doctor saying pubes like he's just the chillest dude ever? And second of all, why is he just assuming that I'm going to go full bush? My pubes come in, I'm like, leave them, they're mine now. I don't know. I saw some people down the street and I was about to judge them for no reason, you know.

And then I stopped myself because I'm a good person. And I was like, Allie, don't judge them. You're better than that. And you're better than them. Those people were idiots. Thank you. 58 seconds of Allie Makovsky. You did it again. I'm only

19 for like a couple hours. Really? Your birthday's coming up? Your birthday's at midnight? Well, let's get it on. Yeah. Well. No.

We'll be able to celebrate one more year of you not being allowed at this club that you're performing in right now. I'm about to start bringing like chairs to sit on the sidewalk. It's sad. It's okay. Sounds like a plan. Yeah. I think you can do something with that.

Yeah. Do you want to hang out later? Do something. I'm busy. Maybe a nice bath. What'd she say? She said she's busy. Oh.

I'd just like to give you a bath. No, thanks. I prefer showers. Whoa, I think she wants you to pee on her. That's what I was saying. Not golden. Not golden showers. whoa I think she wants you to pee on her not golden not golden showers Ali

so fucking fun last week we called your mom you know what I want to ask you this this is what episode three four for you I don't know four five something like that are you still doing minutes that you've stockpiled or

are you starting to write i wrote i wrote two new jokes today that i was gonna do and then i heard dom was gonna be here and i didn't want to like do something stupid and so then i was like let's just do a classic and then do try these now look how good you did he wants to give you a fucking bath but he doesn't want me to open for him, so. No. I think you're going to love it. That's how you get the spots. I do want you to open for me. I'm not going to open anything that's.

At the courtyard at the Marriott. Why do you got to be such a pig? I'm talking about on the road. Okay. Come with me on the road for a year or two. Great. A year or two. A trip around the world. I got your fake ID. We year or two. A trip around the world.

I got your fake ID. We'll have fun. I'm not going to lie to you. I'm older than you. Oh, wow. Yeah, I swear to God. You look awful. Thank you. It's my skin.

It's moist. Guys, we did it. That's Allie Makovsky. Thank you. Follow her on Twitter, Allie Makovsky. Allie Makovsky. Allie Makovsky. We did it again. Pat Reagan is Patty Reagan.

Let's check in with Ryan J. Ebeld with tonight's super drawing that took place during this episode. Boom. Look at that. Magic. You see it. You know it. Oh, wow. That's me.

Big one of me. That looks like you, Tom. It's so funny to see Tom's drawn face. I forget how I look until I look into a mirror. Tom just said that he forgets what he looks like until he looks in a mirror. I never forget what you

look like, Tom. You're our favorite face on the show. We squoze you in one more time before Monday night football season. We lose Dom for half the year as an eligible guest, so I squoze him in one more time before Monday night football season. We lose Dom for half the year as an eligible guest, so I squoze him in three times in the past month. This is a really bad game. Thanks, everybody. Great crowd.

The great Willie Hunter. Watch the Carmichael show every Wednesday, 9 p.m., NBC. Watch Undateable with our friends Rick Glassman, Crystalia, Brent Moore, and Ron Funches. And thank you so much, everybody. Thank you, live audience. Have a great night. Thank you. Thank you. I'm giving you a life, I won't tell you how I feel

I wanna get to the moon I wanna drive you through the night Down the hills I'm gonna tell you something you don't want to hear I'm gonna show you where it's done But have no fear There's something inside you It's hard to explain

Detecting what's inside you But you're still the same Yeah, Tiffany, David Allen Greer. Oh, really? Yeah. you you you you you you you