KILL TONY - KILL TONY #121

Episode Date: October 13, 2015

Tiffany Haddish, Kirk Fox, Melissa Eslinger, Tony Hinchcliffe, Pat Regan, Josh Martin, Brian Redban - Date: 09/14/2015 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to Kill Tony. Don't forget, Kill Tony is now available on iTunes under its own feed. Just open up iTunes, search for Kill Tony, and hit subscribe, rate, and review the show. Don't forget to check out Tony Hinchcliffe's website, TonyHinchcliffe.com. And, of course, you can always subscribe to just Death Squad on iTunes. Then you have all the shows like Verbal Violence, Ice House Chronicles, Dysentery, and everything that we do at Death Squad. Check out our website, deathsquad.tv,

click on Tour Dates, and you'll see where Death Squad is every week, including every Monday we record Kill Tony at the Comedy Store in the Belly Room. Every Tuesday is the Roast Battle, which is Verbal Violence, the great new podcast here at Death Squad. And every Friday, we have the Ice House Chronicles

in Pasadena, California. All this can be found by going deathsquad.tv and clicking on tour dates. Big announcement. Me and Tony are taking Kill Tony on the road. That's right. We are bringing Kill Tony, and we're going to Pittsburgh on November 27th.

We have an 8 o'clock show, which is going to be a live recording and taping of Kill Tony. Just arrive early and put your name in the bucket. Make sure you have your best one minute. And we'll see you at 8 p.m. Pittsburgh, November 27th. And then followed by Kill Tony, me and Tony and a few special guests are going to do a comedy show at 10pm. This is at the Arcade Comedy Theater

in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, Friday, November 27th. And then Sunday, November 29th, me and Tony are going back home to Ohio, and we're bringing Kill Tony to the Woodlands Tavern in Columbus, Ohio. Kill Tony starts at 7 p.m. with a sign up right before and then the comedy show at 9 p.m. Again, that's

Sunday, November 29th, Ohio, November 27th, Pittsburgh. Go to DeathSquad.tv and click on tour dates. Tickets will be available soon. And don't forget to go to shop squad dot TV. We have the original death squad shirt re-release with yellow and black. It's awesome. Check it out. Also death squad 3d hats and shirt is shipping this week. All the death squad merchandise can always be found at shop squad dot TV.

These are really limited edition now. So if you want something, you better get it quick because they, I'm only making a very small amount of these now. All right, guys, here's a brand new episode of kill Tony. Hey,

this is red band coming to you live from the road, famous comedy store for a brand new episode of kill Tony volume three. Give it up for Tony. Wow. Yes. Hi everybody. Welcome. Comedy Store for a brand new episode of Kill Tony, Volume 3. Give it up for Tony Hitchcliff! Wow! Yes! Hi, everybody! Welcome! Oh, my goodness. This is almost like a real show in here. Hi, everyone. It's a real live audience,

guys. Make some noise again. Keep it going for Pat Reagan, everybody. Pat Reagan. Getting the shit started. I think we need to find a different place for this one lantern. It seems really out of place. I haven't mentioned it for like 123 weeks in a row. I think that's the thing that's supposed to kill you one day.

It's just going to fall on your head and your little, small, little, tiny head is going to break right off. Brian Redband, everybody, is here. I'm Tony Hinchcliffe. Again, Pat Reagan, getting everything warmed up over there. Interesting method. You got the crowd really bumping, and then you went into a, you closed with a nice mellow song. About, you have nowhere to go.

No money in your pocket. This is all I got, man. This show, my whole day. A lot of people, when warming up a show, like a live show, would start mellow, you know, get them listening, and then get them excited. Yeah, that's not the Reagan way. But you got them excited and then laid them back down again, low energy.

Yeah. And then we started the show. Really interesting method, proving that you're original in every way, even in your placement. Yeah, well, you know, you bring them down, and now the show is going to bring them back up. Yeah, yeah, hopefully. I mean, you really put it on my shoulders by not keeping it up,

or else it could have just rode your wacky wave. Pat Reagan is here, everybody. And the house artist, right now, he's got a blank sheet of paper in front of him, and by the end of this episode, he's going to have a full drawing of tonight's episode. One of my favorite artists in the entire world, and by the end of this episode, he's going to have a full drawing of tonight's episode. One of my favorite artists in the entire world, and he works here on

Kill Tony, the great Ryan J. E. Belt, everybody. So happy to have him be part of the team. Freakishly great job. You know, all the prints are now for sale on his website, so all the past episodes that he did, you can buy right now at ryanjebelt.com.

Yes. Boom. And check out his work on Instagram and follow him there and Twitter and everything else. He did. You can buy right now. At ryanjebelt.com. Yes. Boom. Boom. Yeah. And check out his work on Instagram and follow him there and Twitter and everything else. Yeah, and we have dates coming up. This is the other part where we drag down the show for just a moment. This Thursday we're going to be in Phoenix, Arizona at Stand Up Live. It's me, Tony, and special guest Aiko Tanaka. So you're in Phoenix.

Beautiful town. There's a Phoenix shooter right now on the highway, shooting people on the highway. So it's going to be real fun. Yet another reason to come out to the show. Yeah. Stay off the highways and get into the air conditioning. It's stand up live this Thursday.

And then I'll be in Toronto all of next week, the 25th through the 30th. Get tickets for that at JFL 42.com. For those of you listening in Toronto and then blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, And then blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Portland, Friday and Saturday, the 23rd and 24th of October. That's it. Boom. And there's other stuff, too, but I'm not going to annoy this live audience.

It gets really weird when we have to talk about our dates because we have to make money. For those of you that, you know, we don't always just do free shows, you quiet fucking audience. That's how we make our money, is on the road, selling fucking hot tickets. On the road. Yeah. Guys, I'm so excited that you're here. This show is so much fucking fun. Somehow Mondays have become my new favorite day of the week.

I love doing this, and I'm so glad you're here because we have an awesome format on this show, and every week I have two of the funniest comedians in the world on this show. These are two returning, like, Jedis of this show, two of my favorite go-to guests, and I've decided to book them together. Usually I would spread two guests like this out over three episodes.

But tonight I'm just clamoring them together all at once for one big blowout. Put your hands together for two of our favorites, Kirk Fox and Tiffany Haddish. Woo! Yeah! Yeah.

Wow! Tiffany Haddish and the great Kirk motherfucking Fox. Yeah. He's the best. Tiffany Haddish and the great Kirk motherfucking Fox. Yeah. He's the best. Tiffany Haddish is fresh off of today's season two pickup of the Carmichael show. Motherfucking

NBC. Yes. I'm not going to be unemployed after a while. That's going to be nice. Oh, you might. I might. You don't know what can happen. Well, you know, I'm not going to be unemployed after a while. That's going to be nice. Oh, you might. I might. You don't know what can happen. Well, you know, I'm just glad that, you know, I'm just glad to be a black woman with a high-paying job.

Why wouldn't you be? It's not easy to get that. I know. I can't get that. Kirk has trouble getting a job as a black woman. Tall white man. A tall white man. It's hard for a tall white man to work all year.

It's tough, man. A lot of racial problems going on for all of us. Yeah, everybody think you play basketball and stuff. Yeah, fuck it. They come at me hard. Don't encourage her yet.

Let her just, you know, earn it. Yeah, I'll earn it. Guys, I'm so glad. Congratulations on your new money. Thank you. It's good. I haven't seen it yet, but I can smell it coming.

Do you know when you start working on it? I don't know. I found out on Twitter, man. Nobody even called me. Nothing. I just saw it on Twitter, and they was like, congratulations, seen it on Deadline Season 2. I'm like, but I don't really know if I'm going to even be in Season 2.

Nobody said nothing to me. Oh, yeah. I mean, if you read the credits, it says I'm a guest star. Like, for real. No, yeah, that's how it works now. It's literally everybody. But now it's like a guest star.

G-U-E-S-S. You don't even know. Yeah. Boom. You got to just guess. Yeah, I'm with it, though. Kirk, what's that drink you're drinking tonight? That's O.J. Cranberry.

Just a little sugar. Battle the hypoglycemia. Thank you. You got hypoglycemia? No, but I just like to feel that I'm just current. Okay. I got high blood pressure. Do you?

Black people problems. Nice. But you also got a TV show, so it's a wash. I guess so. Yeah. Yeah. I'm not working right now, though. So, I mean, I'm just here.

Right. I just found out on Twitter. Well, congratulations. Nobody sent the contract. My agent didn't even call me today. Just a couple days ago, you were at the Sloss and... I was at the Sloss and Swap Meet, like, celebrating that I could spend $100 at the Sloss and Swap Meet. I got my car washed.

Got the windows tinted. At the Swap Meet? Yeah, at the Swap Meet. I got my car washed, got the windows tinted. At the Swap Meet? Yeah, at the Swap Meet. Is your car washed at the Swap Meet? Yeah, you can get your car washed at the Swap Meet. I got a pap smear. I got a pit bull. Got me a new outfit.

Every week, I have Pat Reagan over there ask the guests a question. I leave it out of my hands, and I just let him come up with his own question that he wants to ask the guests. So with no further ado, Pat Reagan guests a question. I leave it out of my hands and I just let him come up with his own question that he wants to ask the guests. So with no further ado, Pat Reagan, go ahead. Tiffany Haddish. Yes. Would a guy like me ever have a shot with you? Hell motherfucking yeah. I was just dreaming about you.

When I was putting my lipstick on, I was like, look at him. Wow, the horse of truth. Just like that. He got abs and stuff. He got an app for them abs. Really? Yeah, that's I touched his stomach. I was like, you hitting the gym? He was like, no, He got an app for them abs. Really? Yeah, I touched his stomach. I was like, you hitting the gym?

He was like, no, I got an app for that. I was like, damn. Pat, what's the first thing you would do with a girl like Tiffany if you got her back to your place? Grease my scalp? No. And remember, she's got a high blood pressure. They know what that is. Get drinks, smoke weed, put on music, and just give you a back massage. Don't get her drunk. And remember She's got a high blood pressure She's got a high blood pressure They know what that is Drink Get Like get drank Smoke weed

Put on music And just give you a back massage Don't get her drunk Hopefully not your music Don't get me drunk My pussy dry when I'm drunk Yeah Don't get me drunk

Just grease my scalp I'll teach you how to do it Okay Every black woman loves To have their scalp greased I learned how to grease a scalp If you want to make a black woman Fall in love with you

And follow you wherever you go You grease her motherfucking scalp. You get you some cocoa butter and part her shit and just run your finger down that scalp. Oh, Jesus. It's making me moist thinking about it. You need to put like a YouTube video out or something of what this is because

white people have no idea. I taught you how to grease my scalp. Remember that? Yeah, I do remember that. I actually did do it. But you how to grease my scalp. Remember that? Yeah, I do remember that. I actually did do it. But you got to be careful of the hair, correct? Yeah, he pulled out a track and shit. He fucked it up. Yeah, there was a little extra hair there.

I was wondering what that was and why there was a hair clip in there. It was clippy. And I detached the hair clip and all the hair came off, guys. Yes, the cheetah of... The terroway. The terroway. He looked so scared, you guys. You looked scared as fuck. He was like, oh shit, Tiffany, what happened?

I'm so sorry. I broke you. I thought it was real. I didn't know you were into chemo. I didn't know. It's adorable though. However you... Whatever that is up there. Right here, this is recycled Tupperware. That is? Yeah. It's adorable, though. Whatever that is up there. Right here, this is recycled Tupperware. That is? Yeah.

What? This is plastic. You know, you can do so many things with plastic, and if you put chemicals in it and put it in the microwave and melt it down, pull it out, you know, do a couple of things. It's like a chia pad on steroids. Yeah, you can make it into hair. I just can't be at high temperatures because this shit will melt.

All right, Pat. These are all good things on steroids. Yeah, you can make it in the hair. I just can't be in high temperatures because this shit will melt. All right, Pat. These are all good things to know. Yeah. Pat, what's your question for Kirk? All right, Kirk Fox. Yes, sir. Same question? Nope.

Okay. What would you say to a young Kirk Fox about life, like a 14-year-old Kirk Fox? Don't ask questions. Just go for it. See what happens. I like that. Maybe commit to a one-handed backhand earlier in my life. What do you mean a one-handed backhand?

You know, as a tennis player, as a young 14-year-old, I should have committed to either a one-handed or a two-handed, not a two-handed release. Do you have any other life lessons other than the one-handed? No, that should be enough. If you can just mirror what I just said. Try and get through that. Don't just fucking overdo it.

So you played tennis when you were 14? Yeah. Tennis has been a part of my life since I was just 10. Can I give 14-year-old Kirk Fox a piece of advice? You can. Learn how to grease a black girl's scalp. That's good to know. I did not know until I was 16.

Have you ever hooked up with a black girl, Kurt? Shit. By choice. No, I mean by choice. You been raped? You been raped by a black woman before? Not completely. I mean, it started as a rape.

It started as a rape, and as a rape And then I just surrendered When I just realized I cannot fight it Have you guys Fellas Have you guys ever been Raped by a woman Sure you can call it what you want Is it really rape

Well I mean I don't mean it in the hard weird way That makes everyone uncomfortable right off the bat as soon as I open my mouth and say it. Have you been? I've played extra week. In Lawrence, Kansas, where, like, I pretty much got forced into getting a blowjob.

What? In a bathroom. And I was like, fuck, I don't really want this blowjob. Forced into what? Forced into getting a blowjob. Oh, I hate when that happens. It's like, oh, fuck, quit sucking it. Yeah. Yeah. How were you forced into getting a blowjob?

Lawrence Kasdan. She was, this girl was like, she was like taking like a, she was like buying me drinks. She was, she was like trying to get me drunk. Uh-huh. And to take advantage of me. Uh-huh. I've done that to guys. Yeah.

I'll do that to you. I won't buy you no drinks, though. You'll pay for your own drinks. And I'll make sure. I'm going to make sure this happens. I'll make sure he does you right. But you know, I've been trying to rape you for a minute, Kirk. You keep running from me.

This long-legged motherfucker take big steps. Wait. We can do it. I would never say no to you. You ever got super head before Fuck yeah I don't even know what the question was But it sounded like I should say fuck yeah

You know I sucked my thumb till I was 18 I'm a beast I ain't never had no braces Listen I got enough dick for everyone You can suck it till you get it right This is the first Kill Tony that I feel like is going to end in a gang bang And I'm pretty excited about that So let's get the show rolling. Over

40 comedians signed up for the chance to do 60 seconds of stage time here tonight and then talk to me and our esteemed panel and we're going to have a lot of fun. Sometimes we give them advice. Sometimes we talk to you and find

out other stuff. Sometimes we make fun of you. Anything can happen. And it's going to be a blast. Sometimes David Arquette comes. Yeah. Yes, he does. Oh my God, I got his phone number. Me too. You do too? Yeah. What's he saying to you? There's no one in this room that doesn't have his phone number.

It's true. If someone will talk to him, he will give the number. Pretty much. David Arquette's actually signed up in this bucket. No, he really has. And I pulled his name out, and David Arquette came on stage and did 60 seconds. Well, it turned into about a four-minute monologue, but it was awesome. How'd my name get in there?

But, guys, if I pull your name out of the bucket, that means you get 60 seconds of stage time uninterrupted. Comedians, you know your 60 seconds is up when you hear the sound of a kitty. Aw, that's adorable. Wrap it up then, or I'm sure gonna bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. Man, gets a little more

annoying every week. But that vibration felt good on my coochie lips. Oh, shit. It felt good, too. It felt good to you, too? Yeah. You got coochie lips? I can run.

I got a censure. I got a censure at the end of my day. I feel like I don't even have to pull names out of the bucket tonight to make this show happen. I just want to see you two just out of the bucket tonight to make this show happen. I just want to see you two just fucking make the funniest baby of all time. It's going to be tall. It's going to be fast. And it's going to be special.

It's definitely going to be special. I'll do my part. What does that mean? I think we're watching. What does that mean? You're just going to drop the baby batter and leave me? I'm just going to fucking do my part. You want the kid. You have all these plans for this kid.

I just had a baby with him. That's fine. I'll watch that too. He's got musical skills and tattoos. He's like a rapper already. Do you have tattoos? Mm-hmm. What chord?

Abs and shit. He young. Got an inheritance. Tiffany, next time finger yourself before coming on the show. Your estrogen is leaked into the main room. I haven't had it. It's really. You might be able to file a sexual harassment case.

I'm just saying I haven't had dick in like four weeks, so. I haven't either. It feels like it. You're a little extra fucking really just like. Well, you're going to make up for it tonight. You guys can't even see what's happening on this side of the table. Take care of it before the show. I pulled the name out of the bucket.

Your first comedian with uninterrupted 60 seconds tonight is Tad Whaley. Woo! What up? Guys, some sad shit happened the other day. Went to a funeral. Yeah. And I had to pray at the funeral. That was fucking sad, too. The lady next to me, we had to hold hands and shit.

And the lady next to me, she had a nub, dude, like, for her hand. It's a PC world out there. I don't want to grab that shit, but I can't tell her that. It's fucked up. For one thing, like, I don't know. It was like all wrinkling shit, like, how am I supposed to grab this nub, close my eyes, and pray to God? How do you do that? I don't want to do that shit. So I do it anyway because I'm a nice guy. And I'm trying to think of God, but I can't. I just think of how did this shit happen? Poor lady.

Was it an old war injury? I don't fucking know. Maybe she, like, fell asleep on a train track, got too drunk. I don't fucking know, man. But I can't pray to God with that nub there. So I just put, like, a parking placard there and walked away. She's handicapped, guys. All right. thank you.

Fuck yeah. 50 seconds. 50 seconds on the stub. Tad, I feel like this is a true story, right? Yes, very true. Whose funeral was it? Family friend. He died of cancer.

It's pretty fucked up. Old Nubs. Yeah. What was that in reference to? Old Nubs Johnson. That was the name of the family friend who died. RIP Old Nubs. Wait, so the person in the coffin had a nub? No, the person

next to me that we were praying for the dead guy and she had a nub. Right. So when she was praying, did she just put the one hand up against the nub or anything like that? Did she at least give half prayer hands or anything? I had to go in for it and coddle it for a second. Because you know they say hold the hand at the part of the neck.

So she had... When she does the sign of the cross, does she punch herself in the face? I don't know her that well. I just touched the nub and that was it, man. Did you get tickets for this event off of StubHub? StubHub. StubHub. StubHub.

Your delivery was very, like, I felt like I was listening to one side of a phone call. Like, it was very, I don't know. You know what I'm saying? It was not, you weren't delivering it. That side of the phone call was him calling to say he was part of the Manson family and that they just murdered Sharon Tate. You just got to slow it down a little so we know what you're talking about. Like I had no idea what you were talking about, but it sounded very scary.

Yeah. Yeah, I don't know. It's kind of hard to talk about a nub. I probably shouldn't have picked that joke. No, you can. The nub got funny as we were talking about it, so there's definitely comedy there. You just got to slow it down. Yeah, I'm't know. It's kind of hard to talk about a nub. I probably shouldn't have picked that joke. No, you can make it. The nub got funny as we were talking about it, so there's definitely comedy there. You just got to slow it down.

Yeah, just nervous. Yeah, and change the train track thing. Make all that stuff funny, too. Like, did she try to rob a chainsaw factory? Did she go to the Middle East and jack somebody off and get her hand cut off for stealing dick? There you go. Okay, I'll take that.

I don't know. She gave a handjob in Baghdad or whatever. Yeah, handjob in Baghdad. I don't know. And you got to get to the meat of it faster, right? Yeah, I don't really have a punchline. You went to a funeral. Punchlines are crucial.

Yeah, they're important. They can get you places. I mean, at some point you want to get to them. It's kind of like how do you pray to God when God didn't look out for her hand? Yeah, that's kind of what I was going for. I just didn't really get there. That's what I felt how do you pray to god when god didn't look out for her hand yeah that's kind of what i was going for i just didn't really get there that's what i felt like he was going for but it didn't happen and then no it didn't happen and maybe you have too many hands i mean you know why does she only have one and you have two and you're not doing

shit with your two yeah yeah okay and maybe you know maybe's been, maybe she had a funeral for her hand at some point. And you missed it. No, I say that sometimes when I do the joke, but I usually have more than a minute and shit. Right, right, right. Where are you from? Bakersfield. Fuck yeah, I was going to guess that actually. Thank you.

Thank you very much. How long have you been on stand-up? A year. You get up a lot? Like three times a week. How many moons is that? How. You get up a lot? Like three times a week. How many moons is that? How many moons is in a year?

You know when people say, like, many moons ago? Yeah, but I don't know. I'm not a meteorologist. I don't know. I just want to know. He's like an Indian or something? He's like a Native American or some shit? He's got long hair? What is some of your other material that you usually do?

What's it about? I don't know. I complain about people on Facebook sometimes. What about them? Nubs and Facebook. Shakeology. There's people that push it, and it's really annoying. Shakeology?

It's like a protein shake that people are in a cult about, basically. They're really weird. It's like a cult. I thought Shakeology was what you were trying to figure out when you had to shake that nub. All right, guys. You ever thought about being a vampire? You just got to slow it down a little.

You just came up. You didn't even take one breath for a minute, and that's going to scare the fuck out of people watching you. Yeah, no. I'm going to watch this and realize I fucked up. Just take a breath and then just tell the story. It's a good story if you can make it funny. Yeah, I'll try.

I'll work on that. Have fun with it, man. If it's not going to have anything to do with the funeral, then take it out of the funeral. Yeah, that's what I was thinking. Maybe you're on a date with her. Maybe it's like Tinder. She can't swipe left. She had to accept it. with her. Maybe it's like Tinder because she can't swipe left. Or you're... Oh, shit.

She had to accept it. Anyway, I like your style. You're like if Jodie Foster let her hair grow out. You have an interesting look to you. But try and deliver your jokes the way you're just talking now. That's what you need to get to. How often do you get up? Three times a week, four times. That's good. And for a year? Yeah. And how many moons get up? Three times a week, four times. That's good.

And for a year? Yeah. And how many moons is that? It's five moons, Pat. Five moons. Any more moon questions? No further questions. Okay, thank you.

You ever do any jokes about being a vampire? No, but... No, not yet. But I've heard that shit before. I think you should. You remind me of a vampire. No, I've heard that so many fucking times. If you told me you was a vampire, I would totally be like, oh my god, I'm on my period.

I would be with that shit. I would fuck you then. Okay. Your eyebrows are on fleek. Four weeks, that's all? The last dick I got was some old dick. Thanks. Alright, guys.

Tad, do you play guitar? Yeah. You look like you play guitar. And you have the name of a guy that would definitely play guitar, Tad Whaley. Whaley, yeah. Yeah. Are you better than Pat Reagan on guitar? No.

Wow. I don't have that many songs, dude. Really? You have so many different songs. Yeah. But I suck at guitar, but I have a lot of songs. He's probably better than me at guitar. I don't want to have a guitar off. I'm a good man. I don't either. songs. He's probably better than me at guitar. I don't want to have a guitar off.

I'm a good man. I don't either. Okay. We're good then. We're good. I'm good. Oh, battle. How many moons?

There's an extra guitar over there. I was just looking over there. I'm like, if we put that in his hands, would he just play like Bach? Yeah, let's see what you got. He's got the professional. I'm not a fucking professional. Let's see what you got. He's got the professional. I'm not a fucking professional. Let's see what you got. What can you play?

Will you play something? It's not like you got a nub. Play the fucking guitar. Oh, shit. All right, all right. And we have begun. What am I supposed to do with that? I set myself up for this.

The pressure is on. Okay. All right. The first ever Kill Tony guitar battle. Put Bakersfield on the map. This could be the night yeah so here's the deal

you each get 20 seconds at the end of the 20 seconds you're gonna hear the sound of a can I make a song request? how about you know Blue Moon?

where is he? when you hear that sound that means wrap up your guitar song. It should be on. All right. Okay. All right.

Play something. Pat, you go first. 20 seconds of a guitar. Here we go. See how Pat moves his tongue? I like that. Wow, 19.5 seconds from Pat Reagan. How are you going to beat that with an acoustic?

Let's check in with Tad Whaley. It's good. I'm no Pat Reagan. What the fuck do you want from me? Yeah! Stroking! Who's stroking? There's the clown horn. That was amazing.

I give the victory to Tad Whaley. Woo, Tad. Tad Whaley, everybody. Follow him on Twitter. It's Todd all the time. Yeah. That nub joke might work with a guitar. Yeah. I think we just learned

that Tad is actually a guitar comic. That's the first time that we've ever turned somebody into a guitar comic. But now you can only go on stage with a guitar, Tad. So congratulations. That was fun.

Pat, how do you feel about that? You got to. I feel fine, man. Uh-oh. I like the way he was working that tongue when he was playing that guitar, though. Did you see that? It was like an old man with no teeth. Or like Michael Jordan.

Michael Jordan bit his tongue. Oh, for real? I don't know shit about basketball. Except for how much money they make. Is that true? You're going to make someone very happy one day. Yeah, I'm in love with you, Tiffany. For real?

Yeah. I don't think you'll be happy unless Tony pulls a dick out of that bucket. I don't know what this says, but I'm going to just give it a shot. Is it Theon Brown? Maybe Leon Brown? Something Brown? Woo! Yeah.

Yeah. Keon Brown. So one thing you guys should know about me is I have been called the Jamal Green of comedy. Does nobody know who the hell that is? My point exactly. So the other day, I had a hard day. I hit a deer with my car. So it was this big ordeal.

I had to take it out back. I had to put it to death. And the thing that I can't really get over is why a parent would ever name their kid a deer. That's my time. All right. Thanks, guys. Whoa, Keon. That's quick.

36 seconds. You don't want to do anything else? What's going on, Keon? Can I get a joke out in 36 seconds? Yeah, you have 24 seconds. Half the time remaining. Let's do it. All right. Can I get a joke out in 36 seconds? Yeah, you have 24 seconds. Half the time remaining. Let's do it. All right.

So I just found out the other day that Magic Johnson has a gay son, and I commend that kid, and I applaud him for trying so hard to keep the legacy of AIDS alive in that family. Fuck yeah. Keon Brown-Closet out of 56 seconds. Fuck yeah. Keon, I love your style. I can feel your nerves up here. How long have you been doing stand-up?

A little over a year. Over a year? Yeah. You've been doing a lot of spots? I just moved here from Reno, and we only have one place to go. Where's that? Reno. Reno? Yes, in Nevada. Wow. wow interesting that's where you're from?

yeah wow born and raised I was born in Englewood then I moved to Reno it's like witness protection program no doubt about that somebody was running from something yeah so what's your name? Keon?

Yeah. All right, Keon, do me a favor. Let go of the mic stand for just a second. Just kind of chill. Relax your left arm. Just kind of take a breath, and now we'll just chill a little. Yeah. Let's chill.

Those jokes could work, but you were so scared that we just wouldn't go on the ride with you. Yeah, you remind me of like my first date with a white guy he was scared as fuck oh shit he was so nervous i'd imagine that's about the most insulting thing you can say to a black guy uh when you're a black woman like i feel like he just did a 180 when she hit him with i don't know if you guys noticed like he had to look away and catch his breath for a second. He was scared as fuck, man. It's like you busted a nut early and went, I'm sorry, I'm going to try it one more time.

I know it's soft, but I can get it hard again. Don't look at me in the eyes. Just don't look at my eyes. And that's when the girl goes, that was only 36 seconds. I think I got another 17 seconds in me, baby. Here we go. Who was the guy at the beginning, the joke where you're like, people say I...

Everybody made sense. It made sense, but... It's this easy. I knew who it was. Did you say Jamal Charles? Jamal Green. Nobody. Jamal Charles, theal Green. Nobody. Jamal Charles the football player, no. Those kind of jokes are where you're asking the audience

a question and it's, I don't know, I'd probably lose that. Is that your opener? Your normal opener? Yeah. The difference between that working and that not working is you looking down at that stage. You're staring out there the entire time. It ripples and the set goes an entirely different way.

That's really the main thing that I think Kirk noticed. Yeah, and I think just everyone needs to just deliver these jokes with the same freedom you had when you thought of it. You know, you're just coming up here for a minute. Don't blow through these so fast that you lose any of the essence of whatever made it funny. And your jokes are funny. You're just not connecting. When you're looking down at whatever the front of the stage is,

which is something that I was guilty of my first few months of doing stand-up, but I probably knocked out in the first few months more stage time than you have in a year. And it affected me. I would look down, but you just have to. If your thing is not looking at the audience then in this building stage you need to be staring all of them right in their eyes so that you

can get over that as fast as possible. I think you always need to take in a room even if it's five or ten seconds you got to look out there and see if there's danger or some threats or how to get out in case of fire. I personally But when you get up there take See if there's danger or some threats or how to get out in case of fire. I personally.

But when you get up there, take five seconds is plenty of time for us to just say, OK, there's someone up here. But if if you don't look up, we don't even see that twinkle. Yeah, you can always even just look at the back wall. Like for me, when I get on stage, I always just stand up there and pose and smile a little bit and let them look at me and see how beautiful I am. What are you visualizing? I do that, too. That's the same shit I do, too. See how beautiful my soul is. Now I'm about to get these ratchet jokes out.

Where are you looking, Tiffany? What are you paying attention to? I always look at the back of the wall, and then if I catch somebody's eye, it looks like they're really enjoying me, then I'll look at that person. Whoever smiles the biggest is going to get my attention. That's how I live my life. It's hard. It's hard to look up. I have trouble.

I close my eyes all the time. Really? I just look above the heads. Right above the heads. I look at them right down the fucking gullet. Right? I stare at right at their fucking soul and I find the ones that are laughing

and then they're dismissed for the rest of the set. And I will wait until I scan somebody that is trying to not have a good time. And I will stare at them. I do that too. Until they're fucking dead. Yeah.

Until they're no longer breathing. I will just deliver every fucking punchline right down the middle. I do that. Sometimes it's fun to folk fuck you. Fixate on someone

who's just like not having it. Eye contact is super, super important in stand-up because people are coming to listen to you and you have a message and you need to deliver the message right into their face. So you got to look at them. And the audience needs to – you got to believe in what you're selling

because if you don't believe it, no one's going to go on the ride with you. So whatever it is you're selling – You can believe it with your eyes closed, right? Yeah, you can. I don't know if you're doing a Stevie Wonder impression or something like that, I guess. But luckily for you, your show just got picked up for season two on NBC. Guys, and Keon, one last piece of advice. If your name is spelled with a K to start it, then that line that starts the K and that line that's the next sideways V have to be at least close to each other.

Yeah, they need to touch. I was in a hurry and I was right. Get your spelling together, man, before you try and get your comedy. You can't spell your name. You're not going to get us. You're the only person to ever sign up in a Wingdings font.

And also remember to have fun, Keon. Have fun. Because people in the audience, they come to have fun. And if you're scared, that makes everybody uncomfortable. Just think Wing Ding, man. Just think Wing Ding. It's a fun-ass roller coaster.

You had six flags. Woo! Have fun, man. Fuck yeah. Keon Brown, everybody. Yeah. Fun times, Keon. Let's just keep it moving.

Keon, how old are you, Keon? Keon, come back up here. Keon, how old are you, Keon? Keon, come back up here. How old are you? I'm 37. 22? Listen, you're 22 years old. You can do anything you want. So just get up there and have that freedom

of a 22-year-old who's just trying to figure it out. Yeah, and you got a football player body. You're going to get bitches. Keon, what do you do for work? What do I do for work? Nothing right now. What did you do before? I worked at a warehouse for delivering tile and stuff.

How long have you lived in L.A. now? About two months. Two months. Have you been doing a lot of spots? Yeah, I try to get up as much as I can. Do you miss tile? No, I fucking hated it. It was a horrible. Have you been doing a lot of spots? Yeah. I try to get up as much as I can. Do you miss tile? No, I fucking hated it. Yeah.

It was a horrible job. Talk about that a little. Talk about a guy who used to stack tile. I think she wants me to be a hooker. I don't know. I was just going to give you a little side job. Yeah. She's washing my clothes.

Would you be interested in having a side job washing Tiffany Haddish's clothes? Dirty drawers. How much you paying? You're a guy without a job. Don't fucking ask me what you're doing, babe. Jesus Christ. You don't get to touch these nasty, dirty panties I got, boy.

And by the sound of things, that sounds like the only way you get to touch those panties at Tiffany's. So I'd say do the laundry job, Keon. If you want it. What else? I mean, how are you surviving here for? I saved up a bunch of money. Nice.

Yeah. Working at the warehouse. That's how money. So who are you staying with while you're here? Are you staying with family? Yeah, I live with my sister. Oh, your sister? Yeah.

What does she do? Honestly, I never ask her what she does with family? Yeah, I live with my sister. Oh, your sister? Yeah. What does she do? Honestly, I never ask her what she does. What? What? So let me just tell you something. As a comedian, it's important to ask questions and be aware of your surroundings. So maybe

that's the first thing you should do tonight when you go home. Just ask your sister what she does that allows her to support you. That part. Does it seem like she's doing pretty good? Yeah, she does all right for herself. Does she leave the house to work or does she lock her bedroom door? A lot of Amazon wish list stuff.

No, no, no. She leaves. Nothing like that. She leaves the house. So at least you're aware of something. No, no, no. She leaves. Nothing like that. Nothing like, she leaves the house. All right. So at least you're aware of something. You've never seen her in any kind of uniform of any kind or anything like that. I think it's something that our mom would be proud of.

You think she's in the tile business? You think she's moving tile or no? It's a lucrative business. Is she putting on a lot of makeup before she leaves? Yeah. Yeah. Do you even pay attention to your sister? What time does she come home? Is she putting on a lot of makeup before she leaves? Yeah. Yeah. You like, do you? Do you even pay attention to your sister?

What time does she come home? Do you have a room or a couch? I have a room. Wow. Oh, wait. So she got a two-bedroom minimum at least. Yeah. This is an interesting.

She's balling in L.A. with a two-bedroom. Yeah. Does she got a man? You don't even know. What? What? Is she even your sister? Have you taken over someone's apartment?

Yeah, has she ever come home in this apartment? She did have a boyfriend that was like, he's like a 6'4", 250-pound guy for a while. So I haven't seen him in a while. What do you do for fun in Los Angeles? What's your favorite thing about L.A LA that you didn't have in Reno? Nothing. Keon, I don't know if stand-up's really your thing. No, I'm kidding. Have a nice day, buddy.

There he goes. Keon Brown again. He's on Twitter at B2KSManager. Keon Brown, bringing a little bit of that Reno energy. Shit, man. That's a Reno attitude. I Reno energy. Shit, man. Those are old motherfuckers. That's a Reno attitude. I don't ask questions in Reno.

Yeah. That's Witness Protection Program places. Don't they have some weird motto or something? Yeah. Ask nothing. Biggest little city in the world. Nicest sisters on the block. Get that back page money.

Okay. This is another name that makes completely no sense, but I'm going to go for it anyway. Jacques N. Tonme. Okay. So I was walking with this kid who's 20 years old, and we were walking by a poster of NWA, like straight out of Compton,

and he asked me, is that the Fab Five? And I was like, no. You don't even know history? You don't know our history? He was like, i don't i just know drake what i think is interesting about like straight out compton is like you can think about it as like this story of these like hardcore kids who came up in the 80s or you can think about it

as like the beginnings of a bunch of black billionaires you like, it's weird, like, that, it's almost, it's like, it's like the start of, it's like the Steve Jobs story, you know? Like, it's weird. Like, I feel like I want to see, like, you know, like, people complained in that movie about, like, how they didn't show Dr. Dre abusing women, and then I'm like, look, it's a movie that he produced. Okay? Like, I would have thought... It's like weird that he was in Harvard. Jacques Ntome.

Fuck yeah. How's it going, Jacques? All right. How are you doing? What is your last name? I'm saying that wrong. It's Ntoma. Ntoma? Ntoma. You don't have no girlfriend, huh? No, I don't.

I can tell you don't. I can tell you don't. He sounds like the other guy on the phone call that he was... You know... No, this is one of my favorite actors. I loved you at the end of Tales from the Hood. Just for one person right there. My thing. I fucking love him, man. That's how you land a fucking right hook to a friend

like that reference the nick licks the nick licks what'd you just say oh no I don't even know that you don't know tails from the hood that's because I'm blacker than you are

that's why your straight out of Compton didn't connect cause you don't know tails from the hood? That's because I'm blacker than you are. And that's why your straight out of Compton didn't connect, because you don't know shit about that. I can tell you don't know. I'll tell you something. You are very interesting. You're intelligent. I could listen to you talk about anything. It was like the beginning of a TED Talk.

As a TED Talk. TED Talk, yeah. But what I'm saying is you just got to get get to some jokes i mean just i mean you're smart guy you can weave a joke in there just weave the punchline in there yeah just just work on your comedy because you have a great delivery yeah that was parallel thinking there. I was like, as a TED Talk by Dr. Cornel West, that was good. Yes, exactly. This is Cornel West's son. For sure, this is

illegitimate child right here. You're likable and interesting. You just need some comedy. I've been doing it four years. Four years. All in LA? No, no, no. I moved here five months ago. From where? Austin. Austin. What's your sister do? I don't have a sister.

But if she did, I bet you'd know exactly what she did. No, no. I have a brother. Oh, you have a brother? Older brother, younger brother? Older. How much material do you have? So how many times did you get beat?

I know you whooped your ass, huh? No? No, no, no. For real? Yeah. Yeah, no one's going to beat him. He's so likable. Yeah, look at him.

Your brother didn't beat you up? No, no. You can't beat up somebody just for reading. Tiffany, I feel like you want to beat him up just to show him what it's like. Yeah, he didn't have no real sibling. He didn't get his ass beat. What are you getting at with Straight Outta Compton? How did it really make you feel? Well, I just think, like, to me, me it's i actually haven't seen it i uh that makes so much fucking sense jock did you hear that sound that just happened i did hear that i let that was everyone being deflated yeah but you can't you have to have a sheet of truth to anything

you're talking about you gotta see the movie man well i think for me it was more well i won't argue with the judges well you can't you know let me tell you what here's what you can't you can't argue with the fact that 50 people didn't laugh yeah that's the only thing that you can base anything on it doesn't matter what we say yeah all that matters is that 50 people didn't connect with them. I can always argue. I know, that's what you do. When you said that you don't know about our history, you should probably add the tag American history for the Drake reference. But even that, a lot of people probably don't even know

Drake's from Canada, if that's what you're even getting at. Is that what you were getting at? No, no, no. I was trying to add a portion. But it's like you don't even know our history i mean i mean no do you want to do like a competition dr dray baby mama used to babysit me so we can go in boo I was in the studio let's go

what you wanna know I can't bounce my shit more bouncy here we go try to out history each other let's fucking see this shit we could pull up like a quiz or something like that

see but when you're like that response that rebuttal was funny, and that was you being yourself in your character, which is like a smart guy who can intellectually take someone down. And you just need to fucking find what's funny about that and inject jokes into it into when you're talking about Straight Outta Compton. You should go see Straight Outta Compton. Yeah. I think I get where you're getting at Straight Outta Compton. You should go see Straight Outta Compton. Yeah. I think I get what you're getting. Jacques, you could be the funniest version

of Frederick Douglass that anybody could ever see. I agree. I actually would like that. I'd like that. Yeah. That'd be really cool. Yeah, like interesting fact about,

you know... Or just be a black guy who knows nothing about being black. Right. What? Yeah. And as long as you always have just a white ball next to your head,

I think that'll be what confuses everyone. They won't know who's talking. What do you do for fun, Jacques? I like to go hiking. I didn't realize this was the bio He loves ice hockey and swimming Well don't get me started Because I surf, I hike, and I fucking snowboard What? You snowboard?

I snowboard like a motherfucker You want to go? Yeah My parents have a place in Lake Tahoe Let's do this I got to snowboard a helmet and a jacket Let's do it I would highly recommend recording your sets And going over it place in Lake Tahoe. Let's do this. I got a snowboard, a helmet, and a jacket. Let's do it.

I would highly recommend recording your sets and going over it and really finding where the jokes are and the tags in it because it seems like you're very wordy like we've already talked about but stand-up has to be right to the point for the most part because you need to keep them interested and you kind of just went on and on and on.

What else do you do for fun, Jock? What else do you talk about in your stand-up other than movies that you haven't seen? I actually talk a lot about race and dating. How's dating going? He's not dating. I don't know.

Moving to LA is a little different than dating in Austin. I'd love to see you talk about race. No. Talk about it. What do you say about it? I don't know. I say stuff about discrimination, about...

Do you do this with a protest sign in your hand? No. Dude, you know what? I don't know. I do a joke about how the afro was put on me by a black panther and he said he'd kill my family if I ever shaved it off

Is that true? No Is anything you talk about ever been true? No Tell me one true joke One true joke And you shouldn't have to think as hard as you're thinking right now.

You're way too smart to be thinking that hard about one. I don't know. Like, I'm a lawyer, and when I go to the courthouse, they always think I'm a defendant. Are you a lawyer? Yeah, yeah. What kind of lawyer are you? This is the shit you need to start talking about. I do employment law.

Employment law? Yeah. Oh, that's what's up. So, like, when somebody gets fired from their job and they think they was discriminated against, like, they fired me because I'm black. That's why they fired me. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's actually what I, yeah. Yeah, okay, so where the fuck was you when I got fired from Alaska Airlines? Alaska, you worked for Alaska Airlines? Yes, I worked for Alaska Airlines. What did you do for Alaska Airlines? I was customer service agent. Yeah?

And I was the fucking best. How did you get fired? Some bullshit. Some bitch tried to say that I was a fucking bitch. Is this recorded? If this is recorded, we can take a statement right now. I'm just saying, that was like 13 years ago now, 14 years ago.

But some bitch tried to say I was trying to sell tickets and stuff. I work in the baggage department. I'm not selling shit. But somebody basically stole my sign-in code and sold some tickets for cheaper than what they was. You just got fired again, Tiffany. No, I didn't. Thirteen years ago was when that Alaskan Airlines crashed.

Yeah. No, that was like 15 years ago. It was in 2000. Hey. Why'd you jump? You scared a bullet, didn't you? Your ass jumped like a motherfucker. Was one of those in Straight Outta Compton?

What? Jacques Jacques Last Airlines flight? No Jacques Jacques I got something to say

What? To you Okay, so like your stance can be sort of a me against the world Because do you feel like an outsider? Do you feel like out of place? Yeah Yeah So the thing is that you have the intellect to defend yourself from being out of place.

You have the intellect to rebut what people say. So you can sort of take your act as a rebuttal, taking all your frustrations from people not getting you through your whole life. And you can funnel that. There you go. Pat Reagan getting the bear on that one. Yeah. I think I'm making a point. I don't know. You are. Keep going. Keep going. Keep going. I'm just kidding. There you go. Pat Reagan getting the bear on that one. Yeah. I think I'm making a point. I don't know.

You are. Keep going. Keep going. Keep going. I'm just kidding. That's it. That's it. There you go.

I got bared. Now turn that point into a song and I'll listen to it. Jacques, what are you most passionate about? What fires you up? What makes you mad? Talking to the microphone. I don't know. I think social inequality.

Do you know what high school Ice Cube went to? No, I do not. He went to Taft Motherfucking High School in Willing Hills, California. How did they get motherfucking in the name of a high school? See that? There you go. That's your me against the world. Exactly.

Like intellectual rebuttal to that question. What's the thing? There was a question there? I asked you if you knew what school. If you knew it. Oh, yeah, that's true. That's true. Sorry, I'm just being silly now.

Do you know what school I went to? What school did you go to? El Camino Real in Woodland Hills, California. I was a white girl then. You're a smart guy. You're a lawyer. You're a lawyer. Just start talking about

Some smarter shit That has happened to you Instead of making up Complete worlds How to beat a case You know what I mean It's like fuck Your rebuttals are great

When people come at you You rebut with something Like that's real And it's like It's good man So just I don't know, man. Write some jokes. Are you in court?

A little bit. Yeah. Do you – I'm curious about this. I'm curious to actually ask you. I feel like there's usually like one type of comedy or a certain personality and I don't fit into that. I think about how do you – You just be yourself. You become a personality.

And then people are like, oh, that's that type of guy. And that type of guy is Jacques. Oh, that's a Jacques type of guy. And then we're like, oh, I get it. In the name of your first comedy album, Jacques Jams.

There he goes, everybody. Just be yourself. Yeah. He he goes, everybody. Just be yourself. He's got no Twitter. This guy's from Austin. He's not on Twitter. How's that possible? Because he's a lawyer. Most lawyers don't have social media stuff because they're afraid they're going to get fucked up. Man. Tiffany.

I've dated a few lawyers. I bet it. I believe it. Yeah, I had some cases, man. Fuck yeah. Did you beat the case? All of them. Your next comedian goes by the name of Jordan Gannon. Woo!

Jordan Gannon, ladies and gentlemen. Here he is. Hello, everyone. I have a self-defeating personality disorder, which means, well, you wouldn't care what it means. I live in regret, constant regret, just some things you can't take back, like doing this set. Or like when my father died, I was at Starbucks, and I just wished I didn't get the Pike Place roast. I feel like it would make the memory of his death less bitter I don't know

I regret all things I was watching a show, perhaps you know it, Mad Men I was watching an episode season 2 episode 1 that's the one where the gay guy makes out with a bellhop saw that, had a sudden realization oh shit, I'm never going to come out as a bellhop alright alright oh shit I'm never going to come out as a bellhop alright

alright land it there fuck yeah yes you will that's a minute Jordan and Anna very funny this is an especially nerdy episode tonight to where even the black

guys are nerdy and that's when you know that we're really hitting our stride when the cool kids nerdy episode tonight to where even the black guys are nerdy. That's when you know that we're really hitting our stride when the cool kids are finding out about it. Jordan, that's very funny. How long have you been in stand-up? About two years. I like your style. I feel like out of all the people tonight,

you probably sort of have this... You know you. I think that's what it is. What do you do for work? I work in supply chain. I think that's what it is. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. What do you do for work? I work in supply chain. Really? Why not? I would guess architect.

Tried and failed. See? You look like an architect. You look like an architect, but then you got delivered like William Shatner. That's what I do when I'm nervous. What's interesting is you guessed that he's an architect, and his Twitter handle is architector. That's right. you guessed that he's an architect, and his Twitter handle is architector. That's right. What does that mean?

Because when I was wanting to be an architect, I also wanted to be an actor. Holy shit. Holy shit. I just got busy. Hold on a second. You wanted to be both an architect and an actor at one point. So when you were choosing your Twitter handle, you were so 50-50 that you were like,

fuck it. I'm just going to take a gamble here. Would your dream job be an actor playing an architect? Can you explain... Just a nod yes for you podcast listeners. Can you explain the Starbucks joke? Was that just a nod yes for you podcast listeners. Can you explain the Starbucks joke?

Was that just a joke about Pike's Peak? Well, I couldn't figure that out. No, actually, that's based on a true story, but it's part of a longer bit that I... So your dad died while you were at Starbucks? Yeah, pretty much. And you were... Really?

Yeah, well, he was probably already dead at that point. You found out when you were at a Starbucks. I came home and found out. Yeah, so he was driving to work, pulled over to the side of the road, had a massive coronary. That's respectful. Yeah, well, I mean, like... That he pulled over to do it. You come from good stock.

My dad would have just kept driving. Took out a few people. He would have found a farmer's market. I'm not going alone. But your dad was so passive, he just pulled over and probably maybe induced it himself. What was the Pike's Peak part? I just wish I didn't get the Pike Place roast. I feel like it would have made the memory of his death less big.

The worst, right? Here's my only suggestion. You gotta slow it down just a little, because talking to, I can understand you now, but when you were doing your joke, you were kind of blowing

through it a little quick. Yeah. And the joke is strong enough where emote, you know, project it. It doesn't mean you have to add more to it. But you don't have to be the weird It's just You know what I mean?

You were even doing some hand shit. That's not real. Do you ever go on commercial auditions? I do, thanks. Good question. I'm trying to get a new agent. He looks like an agent that I had once that never got me any work.

It's that self-defeating person. No one's ever seen that agent again. I think I know what agent you're talking about, actually. That's sort of funny. You look like you could play pretty much anything. You don't go on auditions, though. I live in Sacramento, so I don't. Oh. So much sense.

Get the fuck off the stage. How long have you lived in Sacramento? Keep that music going, please. Yeah, let's do that. A couple years. I've lived there for... A couple years, which means you moved to Sacramento when you were an adult.

Can you please keep this music up? Just keep it there. Answer the question, Jordan. Yes, I did. What made you move to Sacramento? Don't tell me a job. I had to see the big city. The capital of California.

Where were you before Sacramento? I was in Gridley, California. Do me a favor. Gridley? Will you do me one favor? Yeah. Lower the mic a little. Okay.

Just because it's touching your mouth and it's creeping me out because... That shit is nasty as fuck. It's got to be... You're right. ...enough so that you can use the mic. And you just got to believe you're mumbling like because you think it's cool. But you got to just speak and be that guy who believes in what you're talking about.

Like right now, let me hear your voice. Right now? No, say right now. Right now. A little louder. Right now. No, you still don't believe it. Let me just hear you say, I'm a comedian.

I'm going to tell some jokes. I'm a comedian. I'm going to tell some jokes. A little louder. I'm a comedian. I'm going to tell some jokes. I have my ears. No, but.

See, but what I'm saying is that's uncomfortable for you. Yeah? Yeah. I can tell it is. So that's what you have to work on. I didn't know we had Tony Robbins in the house tonight. Kirk's changing lives over here. No, I mean, one day Pat will have a talk.

But I'm saying, just got to stand tall and fucking sell it. Because you got good jokes. Yeah. But the way you deliver them, fuck, I don't even want to hear them. You're delivering them like an architect. Yeah. How long have you done stand-up? A couple years.

A couple years, and how often? How many times do you go up in the past month? A couple times a week, the most. So how many in the past month? In the past moon? Past moon. Oh, Jesus. This moon thing's got to end, Pat.

How many times have you gone up? No more moon from you. What date were you on? No, you're asking too many questions. That's good. You got the point. Yeah, no, I mean, yeah. Jordan, what do you do for fun?

What do you do the other nights if you're not doing stand-up? He watches Mad Men and jacks off. Is that true? Pretty much. How do you know I'm asking him, Tiffany? I can tell. Look, he wishes he was Donald Draper. Like, look at him. What do you know? I'm asking him, Tiffany. I can tell. Look, he wishes he was Donald Draper. Like, look at him.

What do you do for fun, Jordan? Give us something fucking good. Don't say you do stand-up. Don't whisper or I'm going to make you leave. Tell us what you do for fun. What do you do for fun? I don't do much. I walk around cities looking at buildings.

I write stuff. You walk around cities? He walks around looking at buildings wishing he did that. Wishing I did that. I wish I would have did that right there. I look at a building and I say, I could have designed that. I could have put that goblin on that building right there. And then you go home and watch a little TV.

Your dream is to be Michael Brady. Michael Brady was an architect and an actor. You need three kids and a white bitch with three kids. Make a movie. That's my tip to you. Speak up and believe. But you're still not doing it, but we'll talk later. Talk from your nuts, man.

Pull it from your motherfucking sack. Jordan, have you ever been with a black girl before? No. Nah, he done bought some black pussy before. By the way, what you guys may have missed, and definitely if you're listening to the show, is the two black women in the audience actually answered that before Jordan could,

and they both gave strong no's, and they were correct. Jordan followed through with his own no a few seconds later after really scanning an empty part. Have you ever been engaged or in love? You've been in love?

Did she love you back? What? She? Oh, you guys? Did you tell her you loved her? Sure. I bet she didn't even fucking hear you. Boom! Kurt, stop. Gotta speak up, man. Speak up.

Jordan Gannon, everybody. We'll see you again. Come back, Jordan. We love you, Jordan. This is a very, very special suicide watch episode of Kill Tony where we're only pulling the most depressed names out of the bucket.

I just want to teach him how to love. I just want to teach him how to love. Jesus. Guys, this is fun. Yeah, this is interesting. How you doing back there, Jamie Vernon? Double thumbs up. Audience, how are you guys? This is an interesting one. This is one of the shows yeah this is interesting how you doing back there Jamie Vernon double thumbs up audience how are you guys this is

an interesting one this is one of the shows that is so unproduced and random that you can really hear like real life stories out of nowhere let's make this next one awesome come on but by the way Jordan you know that shit about your dad pulling over

to have his heart attack is a totally hilarious premise that I've never heard anything about. And you're welcome to have the tags I added that made it hilarious. But you have to deliver them with the confidence that I did. And maybe change the drink because I had no idea that that drink sucked or whatever it was. And by the way, dude, I completely see what Kirk's saying and I couldn't agree with the note more. You've gotten away with doing it nice and mellow and you're right because you're that likable and your jokes are well written that

you'll get that response and you think that's the response that you deserve, but it isn't. If you did give an extra 20% from your chest and gut and everything, you would notice a clear difference. I guarantee it. You'll make money. Yeah, and I'll take some of it. And you'll get some black pussy.

Right. That's every white man. Those are the nights you want to whisper. A little black pussy. And that is only from doing Tiffany's laundry. Or her pap smear. Which she gets done at the same place as her laundry. Swap me. I pulled another name out of the bucket.

Let's get some fun female energy up here. Put your hands together for Jill Chrissy. Hey, how y'all doing? I'm tired of talking about race. I'm so over it right I think we should only be focusing on two things that's good people and bad people

and I think we can all agree that white people are bad and black people are good what is the confusion you know no honestly white isn't real. White doesn't exist.

White is an attitude. You're peach. You're peach. Like, there's peach people and there's cottage cheese. One of them is actually white. And the other one says it's white and then fires me on my first day at Chipotle because I was giving black customers extra portions. I'm just trying to help my people out.

You know? Economics. All right. Boom. 58 seconds. That's how it's done, guys. She ready. That's how it's done.

She ready. Thank God. That's my it's done, guys. She ready. That's how it's done. She ready. Thank God. That's my sister, girl. Funniest other night in my book. I love you so much, Tiffany. I love you too, girl. You didn't speed yourself up. You didn't slow down too much.

You were just you. You delivered right down the fucking barrel. We have a lawyer here also that could probably help you with the Chipotle kiss. I love lawyers, and we can talk. You saw that guy. I'm also intelligent sometimes and I would love to talk to him. Would you like that tall

drink of water? Well, you know, I'll take mostly anything. Nice. It's hard out here. Tiffany should have a sitcom. It's hard out here for us, boy. Yes, it is. Mm-hmm. You're funny.

I like you. You're funny funny i think your jokes were clever they were right on point to me like i didn't like them they're a little racist very racist well guess what motherfucker coming back i went against the white man pretty quick pretty aggressive but she didn't call she said y'all was peach which is true you guys are not white like I put white next to you you not white but black people aren't black I just chose to go with the white yeah cause we are really caramel and brown we're a bunch of different colors she's black too

but she's very light yeah she's yellow nobody in here is actually white if you saw an actual white person you'd be like oh my god that's a ghost stay dead that's a ghost. Stay dead. That's a ghost. Stay dead. You would be fucking scared if you saw a real white person. How long have you been doing comedy?

I've been doing comedy off and on for like a good three years or so. When you say off and on, I like that last month. How many times in the last month? In the last month, every day, I hit mics. That's what's up.

Stay consistent with that, girl. You're gonna make it. You're funny. You believe it. Thank you. What do you do for work? How do you survive it? I work at a Jewish chocolate factory. Kosher chocolate, baby! All kosher. Talk kosher all kosher mmm

talk about that a Jewish candy factory yeah it's actually on Sunset it's called John Kelly's any rich people in here getting that chocolate it's very expensive

yeah it's good too I know girl you know I'm Jewish too lot of peach people but only peach people peach people own that place Tiffany

Tiffany you don't have to keep saying you're Jewish they already picked up your show for season 2 you don't have to keep saying you're Jewish. They already picked up your show for season two. You don't have to say that anymore. You don't have to keep that line going. But they haven't picked her up yet, so she better keep it going. I haven't gotten a contract yet. Right.

But, yeah, I'm Jewish, too. If you guys touch hair, is it like Velcro? No. It might. No. Oh, is that racist? That's interesting that you work at a Jewish candy place. Do you think they hired you because they just thought you were a giant chocolate?

Oh. Possibly. No. They hired her because she has a great smile. She has an awesome personality. I know, Tiffany. I was making a joke. What is this anti-white thing that just happened?

But they do make her wear foil. She's got a kisses thing coming out of the top of her head. What kind of candy are you slinging over there? It's like dark chocolate. Dark salted chocolate. Not German chocolate, correct? No, definitely not. Not German chocolate, correct? No, definitely not.

No, definitely not. No German chocolate? Hell, that's hilarious. Yeah, you can have it. I'm here for you. Open with that next time. Thank you. I appreciate that.

I'll take that. Yeah, give me a box of chocolate. Okay. How much time do you have? Do you have a pretty long set? I'm a humorist, so I write stories. We'll decide if you're a fucking humorist. I've been

writing stories for like over 10 years. How long of time do you have? If you were going to do your own show. That was it. I don't really have a lot of time. You just have a killer 60 seconds? That's incredible. I just started like If you hand out chocolate after

you can go an hour. You started two weeks ago? Yeah, probably like two to three weeks ago trying to find like because I just want a set that I can do. So talk about working at the Jewish chocolate shop. Get 15 minutes together. I'll let you open up for me.

Yeah? Yeah, because I'm about to blow up. I know you can do it. Shit, I'll put 15 minutes together. I didn't know you were looking for an opening. I can do that. I wanted to only help my people. That's fine.

What do you got against Peach? I do like Peach the Rock. I will drink some Peach. Do you think you could get off? Peach the Rocket. Do you think you could get five minutes together for Friday at the Ice House? This Friday?

Yeah. Wow, look at that. Very exciting. This reminds me of the end of Willy Wonka, guys. Very exciting. You're the funniest. Don't forget Hershey's Kiss.

I will. Alright, you guys. Thank you so That makes me very proud. Don't forget Hershey's Kiss. I will. Thank you. You can have that. All right, you guys. Thank you so much. Yes. Bye. Jill Christie, everybody.

She's funny. Yeah. Good job. I love funny women. More funny women. So we'll see you Friday at the Death Squad show at the Ice House. 10 p.m. at the Ice House. You can see Jill Christie put together a set.

Alright, I pulled another name out of the bucket, and his name is Dave Neal. Yeah! Dave Neal. Here he comes. The real Dave Neal. Alright, I know I look like every guy that's been voted off the Bachelorette. Thank you, sir. I come from Rhode Island. Very Irish Catholic off the bachelorette. Thank you, sir.

I come from Rhode Island. Very Irish Catholic family. My name's Dave. Standard white guy name. I have two younger brothers. Their names are Jack and Jameson. Alcoholics on board. Those are their real names.

My mom was 41 when she gave birth to Jack. Seven months pregnant when her water broke on a hike. She had to deliver Jack on the rocks. Jameson's 18. He just went off to college, first week at school. I tried to relate to him, be a good big brother. I called him, and I was like, Jameson, you been getting girls' phone numbers?

He was like, no, Dave, that's super creepy. I was like, what do you do with your phone? He was like, you just get a girl's first and last name and find her online. If I wanted a girl's number when I was his age, I'd have a cell phone. I had to memorize it on the way home and hope that nobody interrupted me.

I'd be like, 855-0855. 855-0855. My buddy's like, what time is kickball? 4.15. Fuck! All right, I'm out of time. Thanks. Fuck yeah, Dave Neal.

How long have you been doing stand-up, Dave? Four years. Four years. Where at? Two years in New York, two years here. Interesting. What do you do for work? Film and random stuff yeah yeah so you're an escort yeah no i drive i drive lyft i uh do stunts i do

film work background work stunts stand in yeah do you stand in for kirk fox no i should No I should Y'all could be brothers Y'all got the nose Thank you very much Stunts let's talk about it Yeah I just talked my way into I was on a set Photo doubling and I told them I could do stunts And then I had to do them It was a mission impossible

No it was a horror film I just had to do them. What did you have to do? It was a Mission Impossible? No, it was a horror film. I just had to get the shit kicked out of me by the girl who was possessed. So I just had to throw myself around like a room and get shit thrown at me. Oh, that sounds hilarious. And you were a girl? No, the girl beat me up

and I had to take the hits and go through walls. What movie is that? I want to see that. Exeter. Exeter? It's a good movie. I want to watch you get your ass beat.

Thank you. You're not the only one. Trust me. So you've been in L.A. for two years? Yeah, I've been in and out between here and New York. What made you move to L.A. from New York? I got a gig opening for a comic, and I just took it because it was steady for a little while.

In L.A.? Well, all over, but he's based out of L.A., Craig Shoemaker. He's an older guy. Oh, cool. Yeah, so I opened for him for a little while. The love master. Yeah, exactly. There you go.

They don't know him. They're too young. But it was great. Yeah, it was great. It was good, and then that ended. I started dating a girl, so I stayed. Right? That's pussy gut, man.

How's that going? I'm mad at her right now Why? I talk about it all the time Because she's like every other girl in LA An Instagram model And I'm about to go on stage And she posts shit

I get to see a photo that she got tagged in On the beach with a dude But she makes more money than I do So I just had to be cool with it That's a good job What did she do for work. That's a good job. Well, yeah, she's fucking – What did she do for work? That's it.

Really? She's an Instagram model. Well, she's not your – she's a professional model who also – she makes her money modeling and also Instagram. Instagram makes me mad because the guys can comment on it. How many followers does she have on Instagram? She's not like 35,000. She's not like a fucking crazy – She's not like a fucking crazy. She's not like a whore who posts crazy shit.

I'll take 35,000. She just does. I mean, you can promote her Instagram if you want. She's not a whore. Yeah, what is it? I want to look it up. Tasha Courtney. But you'll see the photo I'm talking about.

It just pissed me off. But I love her. We're pretty much engaged, and I got to deal with it. Oh, what? What? Hold up. Answer me this. Why do guys get so mad when they see you post a beautiful picture of yourself on Instagram?

They get so mad when other guys be like, damn, that's a thirst trap, girl. You looking good. Damn, your body banging. Ooh, that booty fat. Why you get so mad? Why don't you just be like, dang, yeah, I got the fat booty, bitch. Why you can't be happy with that shit? Because you don't know you got her.

How long have you been with her? A year and a half. She is bomb. A year and a half. A year and a half. This bitch is beautiful. We met years ago. We're pretty much engaged.

Yeah, we're. She is. They're all looking on their phones. I fucked her. She is. You got to deal with it. You got to put up with the bullshit. Hey, do you want to be on the Ice House Friday?

You can bring this girl. I will. Yeah. I will. Yeah. I will bring her. I'll bring her and some of her friends if you guys want. Well, yeah.

She's beautiful. And I mean, you're not a bad looking guy either. You look like Tom Cruise's like third, fourth little brother or something. Only black people tell me that to be honest.

Only black people tell you that Tom Cruise. See, white people have no idea what you're talking about, but black people are like, yeah, Tom Cruise. Yeah, for sure. The black girl's laughing. See, the black people are like, yeah, Tom Cruise. Yeah, for sure. The black girl's laughing.

See, the other one's like, yeah, we don't know. Where did you meet this girl at? We met on a film set in New York. Years ago? No. We met years ago on Mildred Pierce, the HBO show. Oh, yeah? And then she hated me for a long time, and then I just, I wore it.

Why'd she hate you? She was just like, I was just like a douche. She was like, I don't want to fuck Tom Cruise. I met her, and yeah, but I used my lines. They didn't work. And then years later, actually, my first set I ever did while I was visiting, she sat right there, came to my show. Here. Here, right there.

Yeah, she sat right there. I'll never forget, like, what seat. And then she still wouldn't take me. I'll smell it later. It's the one that the bald guy's sitting in. She is fine as fuck. She was sitting right there. I don't even like bitches like that.

Can I tell you one thing about your comedy? Sure, please. Yeah, I appreciate that. You got to just slow it down a little. Yeah. I mean, you're so jacked up. I know. I was too amped.

I know. Kirk, is that your ringtone? You got to slow it down. Yeah, don't sometimes people go too slow, Kirk. Sometimes people go too slow. Yeah, and then I'll say slow it down. Yeah, don't sometimes people go too slow, Kirk. Sometimes people go too slow. Yeah, and then I'll say speed it up. I'm waiting for that day. What?

Do you think that his pace was right on? I'm just waiting for that day that you say to speed it up. Listen, I told the other guy to raise his volume and pick up the pace a little. I didn't want to do something too punchline-y, but those are like old jokes. No, but I just mean you were just fucking... Yeah, I was... I think those are... I don't know.

I think that's like a general note that could apply to many people. And yeah, it's an old... It can apply to everyone in the world, but I'm just talking about the guy in front of me right now who was telling jokes too fast. Can we call your girlfriend on speakerphone and ask her who she's at the beach with?

You want to get that argument right now? By the way, I think she... She's not going to answer. Girls don't answer their phone. I don't have my phone on me. I think she'd answer. I'm not going to give you her number in front of everyone. You can call her. My phone's in the back.

If Valerie wants to run and get it, she can. By the way, I think she might have accidentally uploaded that photo and then deleted it. No, I'll show you. It's on her tagged photos. This is where I get kind of crazy. Oh, you'll be looking at her tags. And the dude posted it and then she was like, hey man, nice photo, boo.

And I was like, he's not your boo. Wow. But we're like really officially, like we're an old couple, so. You guys are officially engaged? Will we, we wanted. You proposed to her? I, here's, this is.

Did you give her a ring? No, here's what happened. Before, so we were in the friend zone. She wouldn't date me and then we're getting ready to, it was Christmas time. I called the radio station to get a song played and they, I told them I wanted to dedicate it to my girlfriend.

And they gave me an engagement ring. Wow. So we got an engagement ring before we ever dated. And then she picked it up one day. Perfectly normal beginning to a relationship. And then we fucked like four weeks later. So thank you very much. Are you really engaged?

I mean, did you like? Well, she literally has the engagement ring. And I haven't gotten. Who gave it to her? I just... You do know it's not going to work out with her, correct? I mean, you got to get a fucking job. You got to make more money than her.

She's never going to marry you unless you make more money than her. I haven't peaked, and she's a model, so we're working things out. She's doing other things. You got to make more money than this bitch. That's what I'm doing here, guys. I could use your help. I appreciate it. No, seriously, though.

It might work out. We were friends before the engagement ring. Yeah, it just came in. Does she think she's engaged or do you just think she's engaged? No, I'm fucking around. We live together and shit, but it's going to happen. Did she tell her parents that you guys are engaged? Did she tell her parents? Neither one are engaged? Did she tell her parents?

Neither one of us. How long have you lived with her? We've lived together for over a year. But has she told her parents that she's engaged? We're not engaged. Do you sleep together? Do you sleep in bed together? I'm on the couch tonight, so...

Yeah, we sleep together. Yeah. Do you know her passcode on her phone yet? Yeah. 5754. Oh, okay. What, are you going to steal phone yet? Yeah, 5754 What, are you going to steal her phone? Yeah, maybe No, I make it sound bad

But you know It's a good relationship Except I got to deal with Fucking dudes writing on her wall Welcome to America But you should be feeling blessed If dudes are posting shit on her wall You should be feeling like Damn, I'm going are posting shit on her wall or whatever, you should be feeling like, damn,

I'm going to fuck the shit out of her. And all these dudes are going to be like, seriously, through my dick. I do. And I got to get better. If I was a dude, that's what I would do. They're posting on her wall. As soon as I see a comment, I'd be like, yeah, but I'm about to fuck her right now. And I would just give her the dick.

I'm going to go take that note. That's what I would do. Dave Neal, go get her. Thanks, guys. Appreciate it. There he goes. He's on Twitter. It's DNeals. N-E-A-L-Z.

This is a special, this is an extra special compelling episode. Might be our least funny episode of Kill Tony that we've ever had, but a really compelling episode. It's interesting. I really like the stories of the people that we're meeting here. It's more of a drama

this one. Yeah, it is. We're entering the drama world at the Comedy Store and as a comedy podcast. But I like that we have that kind of range. Normally, it's just like boom, boom, boom, just continuous laughs. And sometimes, being me, it gets boring to deal with that all the time. You think of it night after night after night with my stand-up, with this show. It's just always home run derby.

So it's nice to have an extra special, mellow story-based episode tonight. Ladies and gentlemen, we have two regulars that do a brand new minute every single week. One of the regulars flew to London today

for a three week hiatus and she will be back in three weeks. That's 19 year old Thunder Horse Allie Makovsky just an absolute monster and we're so happy that she's part of the show. So we're going to go straight to our

other regular who I believe is in week four of being the newest regular on Kill Tony. We're so happy that she's part of the show. You know her from Kill Tony. The always interesting stylings of Melissa Esslinger, everybody.

Here she is. Hello. I have a cousin who married a stripper He married a stripper named Brittany B-R-I-T-N-Y Brittany And she has a tattoo on her butt That says cowgirl up

She's a stripper Yeah so She had a baby when she was 16 And she claims that it was rape But the father has custody of the baby I know responsibility feels a lot like rape But it comes down to our choices Speaking of choices I was at a party the other night

And this guy offered me cocaine And I told him that I was celebrating My 17th birthday Put him in time out For a little bit That's it 53 seconds of new shit From Melissa Esslinger

Probably my favorite joke of the night I mean it's about you Yeah, 53 seconds of new shit from Melissa Esslinger. Probably my favorite joke of the night. I mean, it's about you. It's only on you. You're owning it. It's on your family. You're keeping it real. You know, all the questions that I ask people is to try to get shit about their real life out of them, you know.

And with that, you're talking about something that only you can talk about. I almost like the fact that there's Mr. X in the beginning and you're building this storyline before really getting in anything. The cowgirl up never ended up being used for anything. You're just painting a picture of this sort of super trashy Britney girl that we're learning about. Even the spelling of her name is just like such pure trash. I mean, it's way too short. If you're going to go with Britney,

go with two Ts, throw an E in there, do something. Do anything, but just go B-R-I-T-N-Y. It's like somebody just sounded it out and was like, fuck it. Somebody was smoking weed when they was filling out that birth certificate. Now, remind me, who is this again?

Your brothers? My cousin's wife. I really hope she's not listening because she gets very angry. No, no, she's not. I'm sure she doesn't have a radio. A radio? Old man could I date myself?

I'm pretty sure she doesn't have a shortwave radio. She doesn't get K Earth 101. Kirk thinks we're on FM right now. I love that. Are we not? It's the Frasier Smith Show, baby. 95.5 BLOS. These are the jokes.

These are the jokes, folks. Melissa, so fun. Thanks. How are you enjoying? I bet it's starting to get nerve-wracking. Yeah. Is that something that you wrote this week? Yeah.

Yeah. Well, no, not fully. I've done the name. The responsibility feels a lot like rape is the newest. I like that because it's true. Thank you. I'm feeling it lately. It's real.

I like that. And it's smart. It's a smart rape joke and it's a smart. Responsibility. Yeah. Which is hard to combine those two things. It's tough to combine rape and responsibility. I've always found it.

The fact that he got custody of the baby is hilarious. Yeah, that's great. Maybe pause a little, though. Okay. Because that was really funny, and you didn't really get anyone a chance to laugh at that. You just kind of... Yeah, thank you. Yeah, when you hear applause go up, definitely pump the brakes a little bit.

That's so fun. Did you do anything fun this week? I went to San Pedro yesterday, or I guess they say Pedro. San Pedro. San Pedro. That was fun. How was that? It was good.

My knees were working. Why did you go to San Pedro? My friend took me there. That's where I wanted to get out of the city. That's where they bring in all the Russian mail order brides. There was like this... San Pedro. I'm new to LA, so I don't know all this stuff.

Are you a wrestler? No, but that's funny. You have all wrestler shoes. I do? Those are short. Gymnastic shoes, actually. You could be Ronda Rousey's little sister. I could see that. I do? Well, those are short. Those are gymnastic shoes, actually. Those are short. But you could be Ronda Rousey's little sister.

I could see that. There's something there. I'll take it. I just dated a couple of wrestlers. They had shoes like those. That's all. Tony, I think you have some shoes like these. I do. I wear that brand all the time.

On a touca Tigers. And I have a few pairs of actual wrestling shoes. They have more support. It's like cowboy boots. And I have a few pairs of actual wrestling shoes. They have more support. It's like cowboy boots. And they usually take them off for the big fun. You're cowboy up, huh? Tiffany, who you doing now? Nobody. I'm single.

Really? That's why I want to go with you to work on Thursday. Guys, that's Melissa Esslinger. Thank you. Catch her every single week on Kill Tony. I'm telling you, as you can tell, she's naturally a nervous person. I think it's going to be so much

fun watching her write and perform a new 60 seconds every single week. I couldn't be happier that she's part of the show. How about that drawing from Ryan J. Ebelt of tonight's episode? There it is. We did it. Nothing was there when we started, and now it's there

with a special Gerard Carmichael season two. Gerard's just on the drawing. Is that Gerard or Eddie Murphy? Josh Martin comic made it all happen tonight. Follow him on Twitter. Patty Reagan is Patty Reagan, P-A-T-T-Y-R-E-G-A-N. Buy his album.

Buy everything he's doing. Check out his stuff on YouTube. Kirk Fox is Kirk Fox, the new Rush Hour. He's one half of the new Rush Hour, everybody. Kirk is a fucking fox. Follow him on Twitter. He's one of my top five favorite tweeters in the entire world at Kirk Fox. Yes, he's hilarious.

And how about one more time for season two of the Carmichael shows? Tiffany Haddish, everybody. So much fun. We did it again. See you guys. Thank you, live audience. Good night. Thank you. I love you. Goodbye. Goodbye. And I want the perfect body I want the perfect soul And I want to know you

When I'm not around You're so very special Yeah, I wish I was special. Yeah, I wish I was special. But I'm a creep. I'm a creep. Thank you. you you