KILL TONY - KILL TONY #125

Episode Date: November 12, 2015

Brody Stevens, Willie Hunter, Ali Macofsky, Melissa Eslinger, Tony Hinchcliffe, Pat Regan, Josh Martin, Brian Redban – Date: 10/19/2015 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony. Don't forget to subscribe to Kill Tony on iTunes. Just search for Kill Tony and hit subscribe. You can also subscribe to everything we do at Death Squad by just subscribing to Death Squad. That will also include Kill Tony, Verbal Violence, and the Ice House Chronicles, and all the other podcasts we do here at Death Squad. Also, check out shopsquad.tv. There you have all the official merchandise

Of the Death Squad universe Including three Three new Death Squad shirts Including Taco Cat Which is a brand new one That just came out this week Also go to TonyHinchcliffe.com For all his tour dates

And merch and information And don't forget that Kill Tony is recorded live Every Monday at the Comedy Store. It's a free show. It's in the Belly Room. And every Tuesday, we have Verbal Violence in the Belly Room. And every Friday, we have the Ice House Comedy Show. It's the Death Squad show there. We do it every Friday. Me and Kill Tony are going on the road We are bringing Kill Tony finally to Pittsburgh and Ohio Pittsburgh, it's going to be November 27th

That's a Friday night at 8 o'clock Followed by a Death Squad comedy show And then Sunday, November 29th We are going to be in Columbus, Ohio at Woodlands Tavern And that starts at 7 o'clock Followed by a comedy show at 9 o'clock. You can go get tickets by going to Shop Squad or going to DeathSquad.tv and clicking on tour dates. All right, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Fuck yeah, buddy. Hey, this is Ray Van, coming to you live from the real famous Comedy Store for a brand new episode of Kill Tony, Volume 3. Give it up for Tony Hedgcliffe. Yeah. What's up, everybody? Fuck yeah. Here we are. We damn

did it again. Packed to the gills on a Monday night look people are sitting on the floor over there there's a human being on the fucking floor on a Monday night put your hands together for coming out everybody how special what a crazy thing we do oh

so much fun keep it going for Pat Reagan everybody you just heard his musical stylings. Threw an extra song in there for you, just in case you didn't get enough. And the great Brian Redband is here, ladies and gentlemen. Hi, guys. He's on the ones and twos.

Normally, you know, there's been a longstanding tradition of, you know, sound effects on this show that come out of nowhere. And one of our, sound effects on this show that come out of nowhere. And one of our favorite sound effects, the gunshot, was actually heard here on Tuesday night. A man died here at the comedy store. This is true. No joke there, really. There's a couple people that laughed at that, which is an interesting reaction. I like that. But for like 40 years, nobody's ever been killed here. But Tuesday night, it fucking ripped.

So this is a special episode dedicated to that guy that got killed here the other day. So extra gunshots or no gunshots? You're just going to have to wait. All right. Jesus, Brian. Oh my... Wait a second.

Okay, I'm pretty sure... I'm pretty sure there was a grenade launcher in there at some point. There was definitely some phasers and some lasers. Brian, did you get a new... Oh, wait a second.

Alright, I guess somebody's shooting a pig with a fucking laser. Guys, we're live. Life is good. Episode 125 of Kill Tony, live to the viewers on Ustream. Hello, the hundreds and hundreds on Periscope. Hello. And for all of you listening live around

the world right now, we would just like to let you know that Death Squad's coming to both Pittsburgh and Ohio. Four shows in two cities. Kill Tony's at 8 and comedy shows at 9 or 10 in both Pittsburgh and Columbus. Friday, November 27th and Sunday, November 29th. That's right. You can catch

Brian Redband and Tony Hinchcliffe doing Kill Tony live, traveling on the road. The live podcast sensation. It's funny promoting things, you know what I mean? It's like always the weirdest part for me. It really is. It gets fun. You know, we have guns and lasers and then we do the promo and then we have to make it

funny again. It's really, really not easy. I'm making you all aware of it right now. That awkward moment. We're still in it. There you go. That's all it takes at the Comedy Store to get those frowns upside downs, baby. And I'm on At Midnight tomorrow.

Turns out there's this show on Comedy Central called At Midnight. That'll be fun. I'll be promoting. Guess what my one big thing that I'm promoting is, Brian? What? It's Kill Tony, everybody. You're at it right fucking now. Sweet. The name of the show that you're at I'll be promoting. Guess what my one big thing that I'm promoting is, Brian? What? It's Kill Tony, everybody.

You're at it right fucking now. Sweet. The name of the show that you're at is going to be said on At Midnight tomorrow night. You might be wondering what time. It's at midnight, guys. And that's pretty much it. I'm going to Nashville. I'm going to Portland next weekend. And Nashville, Atlanta, and motherfucking, god damn it,

San Francisco and Sacramento one-nighters. And that's it of the promos, everybody. Fuck yeah. God, I'm so sorry that I do that. I hate selling my, anyway. We usually have a house artist. He's not with us today. So if anyone wants to draw something, we'll take a look at it maybe later.

That's true. If you want to draw something, maybe on a cocktail napkin or on maybe your dick or something like that you can really draw on anything you want you have a real notebook? you gonna do it? there you go what's your name? Lisa everybody

draw tonight's episode Ryan J Ebel is gonna come in any second with an AK-47 and kill us for letting somebody attempt to draw but that's gonna to be okay. I love it. So let's get this thing underway. Every week I always

have a super hilarious comedian on the show, always one of my funniest friends. This week we have the great, the creator of the Carmichael show on NBC, one of my best friends, one of the best hosts here at the Comedy Store, one of the funniest guys. His name's Willie Hunter, everybody. Here he is.

Listen to that light applause. This guy's not even clapping his hands. This guy refuses. Babe Ruth over here. Willie Hunter is here, ladies and gentlemen. He's back. I'm back. Willie Hunter. Look at him.

Absorb it. I had a lot of fun here last time. Absorb it, audience. Absorb this likable, light-skinned face. Drink it in. Willie is one of my best pals. We've been hanging out forever here. You've been on the show a few times. You've done both the panel side, the band leader side.

I haven't gone up yet. I'm going to do that one time. I'm going to put my name in a bucket. Yeah. Yeah, I will. Yeah, you've got to do a minute. Yeah, I'm going to do that one time I'm going to put my name in a bucket Yeah you got to do a minute What would you talk about it If you had 60 seconds What do you think

Do some of those fucking impressions That just slaughter Probably right I would do that noise That would be a sound effect set I'm pretty sure that the cat would ring in Right around then You made that noise That's it. It would be a sound effect set. I'm pretty sure that the cat would ring in right around then.

You made that noise. So this is exciting. We're going with a one-man panel tonight. We're just going with you, Willie. This is it. He's here. What? He's here.

He's in the back. I don't think he wants to do the show. I talked to him. Do you? Are you here? Are you here? Other person that was booked originally? Do you want to do the show? What?

Oh, hey. Hello, random boys. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We'd love to have you if you want to do it. Come on. No pressure.

Doesn't seem like people want me to do it. Oh, come on. Come on. Ladies and gentlemen, Chelsea Lately, HBO, Comedy Central, the creator of At Midnight, the creator of Chelsea Lately, the creator of Zach Galifianakis. You know him from The Hangover 1, Hangover 2, and Due Date. He's the great Steven

Brody Stevens, ladies and gentlemen. Come on, you motherfuckers. Here he is. Live, in the flesh. Here he is. Steven Brody Stevens. If there's anybody that knows how to light up a fucking crowd and get them pumped. Literally light.

Literally light. That's right. Steven Brody Stevens. What a nice ovation. Thank you. Thank you for that. That meant a lot. It felt good.

I don't know if anybody's had that feeling. To feel that. I'm not saying how I felt feeling. To feel that. I'm not saying how I felt, but to feel that. You could feel a certain way or feel something. I physically felt. That's what I'm saying.

That's the kind of love that we have here at Kill Tony. Well, I physically felt it. It was an energy wave that hit you. It was energy, definitely. I think it was love, but it was actually more energy than love. That's what I felt. And wow, it was like a wave. It was energy, definitely. I think it was love, but it was actually more energy than love. That's what I felt. And wow, it was like a wave.

It was organic. It's a hot crowd tonight. As you can see, we have the cast of the Muppets up here on the balcony. Really exciting. Somebody's got their hand up those guys' asses right now. Those are not real human beings. I love it. Is this on Periscope tonight?

It is. Oh, it is? Where are the cameras so I know? We're looking at what seems to be 1,029 people, if I'm reading that correctly. Is a Periscope on that camera and the stand still? No, that's Ustream. That's the HD. I'm new to technology.

I've just accepted email in my life. Congratulations. I'm late, too. You have HD TV, right, Brody? I have HD. I finally got HD. Finally, yeah. High definition. Heart disease.

I was excited there for a moment and then not anymore oh that was a joke guys you've both done this show before you know what goes on here Pat you have any questions for these guys? no okay let's move on every single week we have over 50 comedians sign up

and they sign up for the opportunity the chance if they get pulled out of this bucket, to do 60 seconds of stage time. At the end of those 60 seconds, comedians, you'll hear the sound of a kitty. Oh, my God. What the hell? Oh, my God. Did you kill the cat? You son of a bitch.

You were planning on that one since Tuesday. I can tell. You've been sitting on it. And that was a shotgun noise. When Tony asks for the cat, I'm going to definitely do the fucking gunshot. Thank you, Josh. I love it. Now, normally that's the sound of a cat.

That lets you know that your time is up. Don't run the light or else you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. Yeah, okay. I had a feeling. You got lasers that time. So don't. Oh, okay. I had a feeling. You got lasers that time. Oh, there you go. It almost seems like there's just

a man behind the board at this point. So let's get it going. Live audience, are you ready for Kill Tony? With Willie Hunter and Steven Brody Stevens. It's Major League Baseball playoff season. And for that, what do you say, Brody?

You want to pull the first name? I'm honored. Thank you. First name. Brody is the only pitcher that can throw 90 miles an hour. Well, back in the day, that happened occasionally. Actually, true story. Just roll with it, Brody.

Roll? Was it bowling? I played baseball. Okay, here we go. Okay. One left. One left. One left. All right.

The name is... I think this is the part where we awkwardly find out that Brody can't read, everybody. Oh, no. This is really... He's quite the performer, not quite the... I can read. I never thought I'd... He's building drama here.

You give no... I'm holding it with my left... This is a right-handed slip. I'm holding it here, and then I come up... Yeah. I hold things left-handed. I play the drums left-handed. I hold slips.

Here we go. Nika Williams. There you go. Ooh. Nika Williams. African-American. Oh, shit. I'm guessing black.

Oh, no. Really? Sounds like such a cute name. Wait a minute. Why would he? Are you Nico? She's here. That's my twin sister.

Wait, what's going on here? Do I count? Is she here? Wait a minute. Wait, are you Tiffany Haddish? Are you with her? What was that? It's Haddish.

What? Whoa. Whoa. You have to be a little bit pickier when you make that noise. Too soon. Too soon. It's never soon. So where's your sister at?

She's not really her sister. That's why I did the gun shot. Okay. Well, all right. Very rarely do people miss their spots. That's shocking. All right. That's okay.

Let's pull another game out of the bucket. Let's get it on. Positive push. Good, Mike. Put your hands together for your first comedian of the night doing 60 seconds uninterrupted. I work for Undateable, so I deal with uns

and puns. You got it. At midnight, Tony tomorrow. That's right. Can I get a little more on this? Go ahead. Put your hands together for your first comedian of the night, Kevin Monroe. Where is he? Are you kidding me? Wow, I love it. Let's fucking

ruin careers tonight. No, I love it. This room, I'm looking at the back. It is packed to the fucking gills with comedians and two people that signed up are not here. Put your hands together for your first comedian of the night, Dave Kirsch, everybody. Here we go.

There he is. He's getting up. A human being just stood up. A live human being. Here he is. Good evening, everybody. I'm a, I woke up like this. I'm a very ambitious person, trapped in an underachiever's body.

I, uh... I'm a comedian in L.A., which means I drive for Uber. And, uh, the one catch is that I, uh, I can't really tell jokes around the airport in case I bomb. Attaches that I can't really tell jokes around the airport in case I bomb. I just found out today, I went to the doctor, I found out today that I am allergic to plantains. If I eat one, I go into banana phylactic shock. No, seriously though, I drive Uber and I spend a lot of time in the car sitting on my ass just kind of thinking. And I thought about something very interesting the other day. I discovered the root of the words I can't even. I figured out where I can't even comes from.

Are you guys ready for this? Check it out. Well, I never. Think about it. Who used to say, well, I never? Every privileged white woman in fucking history. Who used to say, I can't even? Who says I can't even?

Every single white girl in history. So this is proof that stupid skips generation. Damn. It's a little... Or maybe Ugg boots just cause irreparable brain damage. I can't even believe you thought that shit would work up here tonight. No. I mean, seriously.

Dave, you're wearing, like, fucking pajama pants. What are you doing? He said he woke up like that. Well, change. Change. Those look, like, expensive. What does that mean? Those are $100-plus pajama pants.

No, it doesn't work. See, that's the thing with those pants. You can clearly see where your dick is, Dave. Right? Can you all agree in the front row? Put your hands together if you can clearly see. Can you see his dick? I see it.

You can't see his dick right now. Yeah, she can. We're all looking at it. She's being all shy like it's some kind of bachelorette party or something. I like that. Dave, you can admittedly see the outline of your penis there, correct? Correct. Right. I'm not shaking it. You're not? No. You should be, Dave.

You should be. Let me help you out. First of all, talk into the mic. Are you the old sound guy here? Yes. Okay. I was the sound guy for about a year and a half. Dave was the sound guy at the comedy store for a year and a half. How long have you been doing stand-up now? This is my first time ever on a stand-up. Wow! Holy shit. Dave Kirsch. That's what I want to hear. Holy moly. Can I get turned up a year and a half. How long have you been doing stand-up now? This is my first time ever on a stand-up. Wow! Holy shit.

Dave Kirsch. That's what I want to hear. Holy moly. Can I get turned up a little bit? Great. I'm shaking in my converse. In that case, that set was just not that bad. First time, I'll allow it. But you don't want to do any joke where you mention bombing

at an airport. Just like bombing about bombing at an airport. You just bombing about bombing at an airport. You just can't do that. And that was like an inside Uber joke that only really Uber drivers know. Like, oh, you can't go to the airport because you're in an Uber. That's like a law that was passed. Are you even allowed to dress like that when you're Ubering? Yeah.

I can wear whatever I want. Really? Every job I have, I get to wear sweats. You know, I never looked for pants in Uber drivers. They could be pantsless. That is true. Yeah. I'm wearing shorts. I will attest to that. Thank you, Willie. Willie gets it.

Don't laugh. Please, I played a Willie. We're NBC family. Now, Dave, look. NBC family, and you can see Dave's peacock so it's pretty fitting that's a smart joke you idiots a peacock that's NBC's fucking logo

you retards I'll catch you up can't say retards you got it Dave what kind of Uber are we we're talking Uber X right like deep Uber X what year is your Prius?

I don't have a Prius. Oh, shit. You're one of those guys. I've got a Nissan Versa. Whoa. Yes. The wallflower of the automotive world. Yeah, the fucking sweatpants of Nissan.

Dave, this is your first time doing stand-up. Ever. Wow. That's interesting. How do you feel about that? I'm shaking. Talking to the mic, Dave. I'm shaking.

I'm terrified, but I'm really excited because it had to happen. So you worked the sound booth at the comedy store. So you basically would play a CD, and you were doing it with like the main guys like you know us like you know monsters some of the best comedians in the world and you would hit the and you would hit the cd player once every 15 minutes yep and that's it pretty much and then and you saw what those guys were doing and how many years it took into doing that and you're like i could fucking do that i didn't think I could do that. I thought I wanted to do that.

You said, I want to do that, but in sweatpants. But in sweatpants, exactly. In all your time there, did you ever see a comedian go up? Somebody who's touring? I mean, probably in like a bringer show at some point. Yeah, probably. That does make sense. That does make sense.

Craziest thing you've ever seen in your Uber? Craziest thing you've ever seen in your Uber craziest thing I've ever seen in my Uber okay so I had this it's a long story it sounds like a fucking long story tell the end first and then let's see let's do a Tarantino

style let's see the end first and then decide if we want to see the front that's a new thing that's the best idea and then decide if we want to see the front. That's a new thing. That's the best idea ever. I just invented that right now, by the way, the Tarantino-ing. When you don't want to hear a long story, just say, let's Tarantino it. Let's hear the end first. And if I like it, I'll listen to it for an hour and a half.

Dave, how did it end? Eight police motorcycles in a parking lot that I just dropped off my passenger at about 30 minutes prior. Okay, let's hear a little more. When he got into my car, he asked me if I had any Coke I could sell him. And he looked like Shermanator from American Pie. It might have actually been him. So, wait, the Shermanator is the one

that was like the big nerd, right? Yeah, the dude with the braces, the Hermanator. You told him more like memento. Like it's like confusing. Yeah. Well, that's just the thing that happened. The guy was poked out. You mean Darren Carter?

Who are you? Trust me. Trust me. That's Willie laughing. NBC. Never mind. Go ahead. It is funny.

It wasn't against you, Dave. You're doing good. You guys have to. The first two rows, you guys have to do a shot You're really tight right now Everybody relax I've got a shot for them Thank you Willie

So Dave this guy wanted to buy cocaine off of you Correct And you're driving him Did you drop him off And you're like you gotta get out of my fucking car This isn't that kind of versa Exactly I dropped him off and the guy slipped me a got to get out of my fucking car, dude. I dropped them off. This isn't that kind of Versa. Exactly.

No, I dropped them off and the guy slipped me a 20 and I didn't even give him the Coke. And then what happened? And then I left. And then you called the cops? No. And then I came back with another passenger like 30 minutes later. I just happened to be in that area and I drove past there again and it was swarming with cops. Wow. Yeah, it was wild.

I might have been an accessory. All motorcycle cops, huh? All motorcycle cops. That's interesting. Yeah. My question is, will you continue stand-up comedy? Absolutely. Wow, look at that. Look what we started here tonight. We started a career and we ended him ever dressing like

that again. Saved my life. Trust me, you don't want that, Dave. I sort of wish that you'd Polanski'd that story and been exiled to Europe. That's a good one.

I don't mean that from my heart. I just said it. What do you do during the day to dress like this? I drive an Uber. What do you do for fun? Yeah. like this? I drive an Uber. But what do you do for fun?

Yeah. Do you have friends? I practice flamenco guitar, and I study flamenco. Wait, what's flamenco? It's the really fancy Spanish guitar. Spanish, yes. So what do you do? You play that for the ladies, and they go crazy?

They love it. Have you played it for a lady? Just my wife. Do you have a wife? Yeah. How long have you been married for? About two years. Wow.

She married you while you were doing the sound at the comedy store. She married me while I was doing sound at the comedy store. That's a fucking keeper, dude. You should say that you met her on Uber. That's a story. You know, you met her. That's a thing. You could write a movie about it, how you met her.

She passed out in the backseat. Yeah, how you met her. But you know what? Guys, don't respond to anything I say. Because I'll turn this podcast on you guys. If you want to play hardball with me. I'm supposed to be at my mom's house tonight. If I don't start getting the response I deserve, I'm going to sabotage the show.

Sabotage it. I'm going to sabotage it point O. So pick it up a notch. You understand me? You understand me, Caucasian Aryans? Whoa. Wow. Made it about. Wow. Made it about.

Made it. Wow. Okay. Yeah. For some reason, that horn is a little fitting right there. Some of the words he said haven't been said since those types of horns were being played. I was going to have Dave lighten up the mood with a little flamenco guitar, but instead, after hearing that, I think that

it would only be fitting if Brody pulled the next name. Yeah, I think that would help. You did great, though. Dave, it was nice meeting you. Get into the shit. You've got cat hair on your chin. That does not surprise me in the least.

Do you really have a cat? Yes, I do. It's like you don't give a fuck. He's got cat hair on. Not even one. It's like you don't even care at all, dude. I wasn't kidding when I said I woke up like this. Now that I know that... You thought people were going to buy that? No. I was just being honest.

So you wanted to come up here and not do good? No, I just wanted to come up here and be comfortable. I thought you did okay for the first time. I could see you right now being a host of something like a TMZ tour bus. It's a good... No! Why do you guys all want to do...

Oh, now I get a bit... See, but I had to scold you before. I shouldn't be the one to do that. Coming up next is the laundry room with Marilyn Monroe and JFK. Dave, stop trying to be funny. Whatever you do, stop trying to be funny right now. Dave, it all makes sense now. Congratulations on your first time ever doing stand-up.

And it was nice to meet you. There he goes. Dave Kirsch. Thanks, Tony. Dave Kirsch used to hit a CD player once every 15 minutes for a living. Now he's driving the Uber and starting stand-up comedy. I love that.

Everybody's a fucking Uber driver now. It just happens, huh? Yeah. Pat, you ever try it? I got mailed a Lyft mustache. Just randomly, like you dress so hip that you don't even... You ride a bicycle, right?

I didn't follow through. Yeah. But you were almost there, huh? I was almost. I was almost a Lyft driver. Holy shit. Weird now, people. Where's that mustache now?

It's in my closet with assorted other stuff. Like skeletons. You up ready? I have one of those Uber placards I'm not an Uber guy But I have it I put it on my car Just like goof with people

Like I'll pull up You just pick up strangers And lock the child's lock in the back So they can't get out It's like one of those new prank shows I do it for college humor So I pick them up And I'll like drive them out

It's like a prank show That's great I can't Uber now Because I do it for college humor. So I pick them up and I'll drive them out. It's like a prank show. That's great. I can't Uber now because my car got keyed last week, two weeks ago. A girl keyed asshole into the side of my car. Oh, man. She wanted anal. That's why. You got it.

Push and believe. You got it. Push. And believe. Let's talk more about this for just a second. No, it's too long. How do you know a girl did it? Do you know who did it? Absolutely. I think it was one of the most crazy girls I've ever met.

Oh, that sounds about right. Okay, well, we won't get into it then. I pulled another name out of the bucket. Your next comedian doing 60 seconds tonight goes by the name of Blake Hayden. All right. I just moved to L.A. just a couple weeks ago. It's been a lot of fun.

I had to do a lot of job interviews. I did a job interview over at Denny's and the lady that was interviewing me, she said, you know if you can work at Denny's, you can work anywhere. It's like, that's bullshit. That's not true. Just because you can serve pancakes

behind schedule doesn't mean that you can fight fires. You know what I mean? I think the only way that she could finish that and still have it be true is, you know, if you can work at Denny's, you can work at IHOP. I think that is the only way that she could finish that. I really hate board games. I just feel like they're not realistic enough, you know? Like the game Clue, like if you were at a party and the host of that party died, can we agree as a group of people that nobody would stand up and go hey guys, don't call the cops. We're going to solve this one all on our own.

We've got a professor, a colonel, and a slut. What else could we need? It's like, you don't have the right people for this investigation. Now if you had somebody that worked at Denny's, you'd have the right man right there. Because you can do anything. Boom, exactly a minute. Blake Hayden. Fuck yeah.

Where you from, Blake? I'm from Fresno. Fresno, California. How long have you been in stand-up? Five years. Nice. Yeah, it shows. Yeah. So you live in Fresno now or you moved down here? I just moved here like two weeks ago. Fuck yeah. It's fresh blood.

I love it. Even that fucking sound guy's been here for a few years, you know what I mean? Boring! Anyway. No, I'm kidding. He's fucking sound guy's been here for a few years. You know what I mean? Boring. Anyway, no, I'm kidding. He's right there laughing. Everybody fucking relax. Weird tight crowd tonight. Bunch of pussies in here. Anyway, fuck yeah. So where are you living? I'm actually staying on my friend's couch. In Burbank?

Sunland. What? Jesus Christ. Where is Sunland? What is that? I don't even know what that is. I don't know what that is. That's where you put the bodies. Ah, yeah.

You must be talking about the old top left corner of the GTA map. Absolutely. Oh, wow. Wow. Sunland, that's like Fresno South. Yeah, pretty much. Why do we not laugh at that? Tell me why.

I think that's funny, but again, what do I know? Tell me what do I know. Hangover 1, Hangover 2, Due Date, Brody Stevens. How many people parked in this lot tonight? Anybody in this audience? I did, so listen to me. Thank you. Sunland? That's like Fresno South. Too much energy.

This guy right there. He wooed it too. Some people gave the wrong reaction. Wrong. Remember I did an hour and ten minutes in the main room against management's will. That's what I'm talking about, Brody. They had a call up Pauly Shore. He was in South Florida.

Blake, what else are you into? I mean, like, because, like, I'm impressed. Yeah, that was really good. You have a look. You already look like you could be three of the characters on Undateable. Yeah, right? I'll take it. He's like a mashup of all of them.

I saw him up here, and I'm like, is that fucking Ron Funches? Brent Glassman? He does have a Brent Morin. He does a Brent Morin vibe. So look, you got a good set. You know what you're doing. The sweater's a little baggy. I don't know. I'm just pulling the only thing negative.

Everything else is good. I like the sweater. I don't like the sweater. It's a little. I like the sweater. Sweater is like you're passing. It's okay. It's just a little sloppy.

I don't like the t-shirt. But you did great. I'm just nitpicking, but you did great. What do you think? You think the sweater's okay or no? I mean, I'm little sloppy. I don't like the t-shirt. But you did great. I'm just nitpicking, but you did great. What do you think? You think the sweater's okay or no? I mean, I'm wearing shorts. I like the sweater. I would have liked the flannel shirt, like this guy's shirt.

I don't like the t-shirt. Why don't you put on his shirt and see what it looks like in the front row? Let's see what it looks like. All right. They're changing. Why not? Keep going. Don't deny yourself.

Okay, commit, motherfucker. Put his shirt on. Let's see what it looks like. Do you mind, Blake? Switch it out. I was so hoping he was hesitant commit, motherfucker. Put his shirt on. Let's see what it looks like. Do you mind, Blake? Switch it out. I was so hoping he was hesitant because he was wearing like a muscle shirt or something. He's like, ah, okay. That might be a little.

Switch it out. Let's see. I like what Brody's thinking here. Oh, shit. Could be a little tight. No, no. Go all the way. We're just doing it for.

Wow. It's better. Wow. But what do I know? That's good. You know, that's what I'm saying. Just tighten that up a little bit. I think I judged on my wardrobe.

That's very classy. Hey, it's part of fucking Hollywood. Shoes are good. It's a good look. You want to go be an ugly comic, you can move to New York City with the rest of them. They're all sitting out there waiting, fucking monsters. Anyway.

West Coast for life, bitches. Anyway, he does have a point. The sweater's a little bit long. I like the sweater, but the sleeves, it looks like it belonged to your grandfather who was stretched out to death. It's not great. I don't think it's great

for stand-up, necessarily. That's my only thing. You know those fucking stretching machines where somebody just... Anyway, Blake, what do you do for fun? What's your favorite hobby? Other than stand-up, please. I play guitar.

I do some music. Wait, did you almost say soccer for a second? Yeah, I thought you were going to say soccer. Yeah, no. You do something for fun that begins with an S, and you didn't finish it just then. Scientology. Oh, I like to.

I like a good sex once a week. I mean, it's just a little hobby of mine. So what was your answer? Video games? What did you say? No, I play guitar. Oh, I play guitar. You play flamenco by any chance?

No. I actually didn't even know what that was. I thought he was making it up. Like air guitar type of thing. Pat, you know anything? Yeah, it's Spanish. Pat, do you know how to play flamenco? No, you need nails and skills.

Nails and skittles? It's like a banjo with a guitar. You clearly don't need jokes to play flamenco guitar. One more on him up there. Still laughing. It's his first time. First time. He did good.

I know the TMZ guys. You did good. How old are you? I'm 21. Are you serious? You look more mature. Yeah, it's the beard. I'd say shave. But maybe that's different it's the beard. I'd say shave.

But maybe that's different looking older than younger. I don't know. Yeah, when I shave, I look really, really young. Tony went through that. Like not allowed to go into this club young. Did you get picked up in West Hollywood like you have a gay face? Oh, I see what you did there. That was a smooth transition.

Thank you. So, Brody, you're like a young, shaved lumberjack. That's kind of your guy? Me? I'm not gay. I'm into cuddling with women in Griffith Park. I help careers. That's all I know. I don't know, Brody.

A lot of people say you're like Pat's pink mustache and deep in the closet. No. Why would I be? Look at my internet cookies. How come I have no desire to go to a gay club on Santa Monica?

None. I've driven by, but no desire to go in. Because all the best ones are on La Brea. You got it. Why did you not react to that? Yes, bait and switch. I'm not gay, though. Look at my text tonight.

Blake, you have a girlfriend up in Fresno? No, I don't. Did you go to college or anything like that? I went to college for like a year, and I decided that there was nothing that I wanted to do that would go through college. So I was like, I don't want to be a fucking accountant. I'm not going to do this. So I just packed up my things, and I moved to do that would go through college. So I was like, I don't want to be a fucking accountant. Like, I'm not going to do this.

So yeah, it was just kind of, so I just packed up my things and I moved to LA. Well, five years, that means you started when you were 16. Yeah, I started when I was 16. I had to go through the back door of bars that like led to the stage and then I had to like leave immediately. Yeah. You're in the right place, Blake. Like, you know, keep

hustling and grinding. You might end up, you know, being seen by some like monster agents from CAA or something like that. You hustling and grinding. You might end up being seen by some monster agents from CAA or something like that. That's a shout out to my agents sitting over there, guys. You're very comfortable and easy to watch on stage. Your jokes are great. Keep it up, man.

You're going to be a star. Thanks for coming on the show. We'll see you again soon. Blake Hayden, everybody. He's on Twitter. He's going to do whatever he wants, everybody. He's on Twitter at Blake Hayden. He's going to do whatever he wants to do. He's a monster. He did a good job. He's 21.

Good job. Yeah, that's amazing. Where was I at 21? I was in college. Deep inside. Taking acting class. Taking acting classes in college? I took one acting class at Arizona State. Two of the girls were in Girls of the Pac-10, Playboy.

Look, I've... Two of the guys were in Playgirl? Wait a second. Are we going to go with the whole theme tonight? Because I'll walk out in a second. No, no. Pat, Pat. Pat, right now.

Only one of us can do it. I don't even want... That's starting to annoy me. And I think I've added to the show, so we're going to start going down some weird path where I have to defend myself on a podcast and the internet. I agree. I don't want to butt-fuck you over right now, Brody, so let's just move on

and, you know, it's all going to be okay. Alright. One more quip, I'm going to go, because it's not good for my career, you know, and I don't do the road like you. That's okay. Yeah my career. I don't do the road like you. That's okay. But I just kind of do my own thing.

But you have to respect me. I'm a little older than you. I love that. And I have a few more TV credits than you. That's true. And you know what? It's going to take you many years to catch up. So enjoy your time in Nashville.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, Brody. That's true. Thank you, Brody. That's true. Yeah. Thank you, Brody. That's very nice of you. You got it. I agree.

It will take. It's called respect. Right. And it's called, you know. Yeah, that's what it's called. Yeah. I agree. Brody, you're totally not gay at all.

All right. I'll see you guys later. No, no, no. Brody, I said you're not at all. All right, I'll see you guys later. Oh, Brody. No, no, no. Brody, I said you're not gay. We're having a good time. We're having a good time. I'm not having fun. Okay.

So, Tony, if you wanted this to be a pissing match, you can go ahead and win. Brody, you haven't even given me a chance to not do gay jokes. I pulled another name out of the bucket. We're moving on. It annoys me. But you just keep going. Yeah, I'm all sabotage the show. Well, we can move on.

Or I can sabotage the show. It's going to be just fine without you. We do it every other week without you, too. There he goes. Brody Stevens, ladies and gentlemen. Yeah, welcome to my show, bitches. Welcome.

Goodbye. Bye. Ladies and gentlemen, your next comedian. Following that. Have you ever dated a girl like that and it gets to that point every single day you're in that shit? Yeah.

I just want to punch a wall right now. Brody is quite the character. It's always fun having him on the show. Always a lot of highs and lows. That's the risk you take. That's the risk you take by booking the funniest, most

unorthodox comedians in the world. Like Willie Hunter here. Oh, thank you. I fucked up. I always say, I have a history of saying things that piss people off well he usually plays along

you know you just kind of shook him up on the wrong time well I mean obviously there was an incident earlier because he didn't want to be here

and I talked him into coming up he didn't want to come up at all yeah he didn't want to come up at all he was a little bit edgy and I said come on bro

it's going to be fun and it wasn't you shook him we move on yeah anyway yeah let's the show go on! One less podcast credit for somebody.

It's like I'm catching up pretty quick. Put your hands together for your next comedian. Fabian Gonzalez, everyone. Fuck everybody. in general. It's negative energy, man. I used to own this ugly dog, but he was so happy. Like he didn't know. I used to be like, why would you tell a dog anything?

Why would you kill his spirit? It had to be like another why would you tell a dog anything? Why would you kill his spirit? It had to be like another dog that doesn't love himself. But a good dog knows, man. He knows better than to let another dog get to him. That's why a dog is a man's best friend. He's not another dog's best friend. Man, there's this lady at my church that looks like me. And it's cool, man.

Like, I don't want it to be attracted to her because you're supposed to love yourself. And all I could think to tell her was, man, like, it doesn't get better. There it is, A Minute by Fabian Gonzalez and some very racist music from Brian Redband. I'll let you know that the set's over. Fabian, you've been on the show a couple times, right? Once, yeah. Yeah, and he killed it last time.

He was on the Ice House Chronicles. He did amazing on there. Interesting. How long have you been in stand-up? Like a year and seven months now. Wow. Where are you from? Long Beach. Boom. Nailed it. I don't even remember from the last time. You just fucking

look like Long Beach. Is that a Washington's hat with a Long Beach logo beside it? Yeah, yeah. I put it to the side. You made a custom Washington Nationals hat. Yeah, well, we wear this hat because I'm from the west side of Long Beach, and I just figured I'd put the LB on it. So that's like D.C. and Long Beach.

So does that cap come with a gun holster on the side or something like that? Oh, okay. What do you want, you motherfuckers? Really? You want me to go bring him back? Fuck it. Whenever I used to host a pod, Lucky went up. You've always been funny.

It was very funny tonight. Thanks, man. How long have you been doing comedy again? A year and seven months. A year and seven months? Yeah. Unbelievable. For a year and seven months,

you were fantastic. Thanks, man. I couldn't even tell. I was going to say, what, five, six years? Oh, appreciate that. What do you do for work? I work at a hospital, Cedars-Sinai. Holy shit.

What are you doing there? I just schedule appointments. Really? Are you serious? Yeah, man. I would have guessed your job is putting people into that hospital. Not checking them in. Not working the registry.

So you're in charge of what? Just talking, really. Making people feel really comfortable. Really? working the registry. So you're in charge of like what? Just talking, really, making people feel really comfortable, you know? Really? Yeah, I just talk all day. It's customer service. That's so cool.

Do you wear that hat working there? No. Are people just, you know, freaking out most of the time? Are you talking about like emergency room? I have a really soft voice. Yeah, you do. I was comforting sometimes. That is true. I like your style. I felt like I soft voice. Yeah, you do. I was comforting sometimes. That is true.

I like your style. I felt like I was watching you through a cloud of weed smoke. Talk on your phone. Thanks, man. Yeah. You smoke a lot of pot? I don't. Really?

What? You talk like that naturally? Yeah, yeah. That's incredible. My grandma takes it really seriously. She doesn't want me to. Right. don't really what you talk like that naturally yeah yeah it's incredible my grandma like takes it really seriously like she she doesn't want me to and it's it's true man like i don't really need anything to like it's be myself that is true well i need a lot of things to be myself yeah i'm with you on that Daddy needs his medicine

That's true I need another 30 years to be myself I know who I am I like that Do you have a big family? Yeah I've heard of the Gonzalez's Do you always get outshined by Speedy?

Yeah, you're a lot more slow and smooth than Speedy. Do you ever put together your own shows with friends and stuff? Because I really like your style, and I think you'd really do good if you got a couple of friends together and started your own show. Yeah, I want to do this thing in my, like, my apartment where it's, you can't disturb the neighbors, so it's gonna be called,

like, the Whisper Show and everything. I think it'll, like, really just help people focus on writing, you know what I'm saying? Instead of, like, acting out or whatever it be. Right. Are the audiences allowed to laugh? Well, we just have, like, really quiet snacks. Like, shut the fuck up! You know, those little quiet signs?

It would just be like Poetry Lounge where you just snap it. You should do it at a library. Yeah, that'd be good. How big is your apartment? It's not that big, but it's intimate. The studio. Intimate. That's one of those fun words.

It turns a negative into a positive real quick. Well, it seems like you're having fun with stand-up comedy. I know a lot of people, when they start, they talk negative about it, but it seems like you're enjoying it. Yeah, I think I spent most of my life trying to find something that I wanted to put my heart into, and then I was like, this is pretty much it. Right.

That's beautiful. Craziest thing you've seen at that hospital. Oh, I don't work at the hospital. I said that. You're using the customer service part of it. Yeah. So you do that from your apartment? It's another building.

So you drive over and schedule appointments for Cedars-Sinai while you're driving? That wasn't me. Fabian, what do you do for fun? I ride a motorcycle. Oh, really? The loudest fucking vehicle. Yeah, yeah. Interesting.

How long have you been riding motorcycles? Since, like, 08. Wow. That's got to be fun, huh? Well, that's what got me, like, doing this, man, because my best friend passed away August 4, 2010. I don't know, man. It's just like seeing death, that death is real. There's no coming back from that.

Yeah, that's how I feel about Brody Stevens right now. So I know exactly what you're talking about. Thank you. Thank you. All right. We actually got real emotional there. That was nice. I like that. This is a very special

episode of Kill Time. It's all over the place. You're getting every emotion. A lot of different things. Just when you think you figured out the format, we flip everything on you real quick. Interesting. And he lost his life riding a motorcycle? Yeah. Wow. Were you riding with him then or did he get you into it?

I actually met him because his best friend at the time was my next-door neighbor, and I never really said what's up to him or anything until I got my bike. And so I don't know. People say, oh, you should stop riding now. Right. But I feel like that would be like giving up on just like, yeah, like giving up on his memory. Unless he's up there going, dude, didn't you learn from me? What the fuck?

I was giving you the best warning sign. It's almost like he felt it. But, you know, that's a whole other situation. Our friend Dean Del Rey just got in a really bad motorcycle accident. Yeah, I talk to Dean all the time, man. I hope he's all right. 80 miles an hour from behind some woman stole a car and hit him.

He bought a car like a week later. Yeah, it definitely makes you see things differently and appreciate things. It's cool, man. I love that. You have a lot of brothers and sisters? I'm the only child. Get the fuck out of here. Holy shit. I got three

half-sisters. I don't know them, but get the fuck out of here. Holy shit. I got three half-sisters. There we go. I don't know them, but I think that's the story. Interesting. Wow. Well, fuck you out. Fabian, it was nice to meet you. Very funny stuff. You're not on Twitter yet? Nah.

Why is that? I just think I change. So I just want to be myself. Fuck yeah, just be in himself. Fabian Gonzalez. He's like a free spirit. He's a free spirit. Rides out into the darkness.

I love that guy. He's a ghost. He's really cool. Yeah, Fabian's cool. Fabian's a good magician name. Fabian the Great? Fabian the Fabulous? Pulled another name out of the bucket.

This sounds like somebody that would kill somebody. Put your hands together for J. Ruby. Thank you. I don't want to say my girlfriend is a hypochondriac because that's one more disease for her to worry about. But I'm pretty sure she doesn't need to worry about her prostate. I still check it for her though. Because that's just good fun. Anything for comedy. But I think she actually manipulated me to believe that it was my idea to check it,

because women do that. I guess that's what you expect when you meet someone on Plenty of Fist. Plenty of Fist. He grabs the microphone stand confidently with ten seconds to go j ruby everybody there he is first of all i'd like to say uh thank you for taking a break from all the republican debates to be here tonight uh i'm not sure which one you are, but you're definitely one of them. And since you came on my show, fuck it, you get my vote, dude. I like your style, Jay.

How long have you been on stand-up? About three months. Three months. Have you been on the show before? Yeah, last week. I was here last week. You're a school teacher or something? Yeah.

Okay, gotcha. What are you teaching? I'm subbing now. Oh, that's right. Now it all comes back to me. You're a substitute teacher. You just started doing stand-up a couple months ago. You used to work for

Just for Men but got fired because it didn't work in your hair. You stopped ironing your shirts. You took a huge stance against it a few months ago. And he keeps shaving. Are you married? No. Are you married? No. Are you divorced?

Yes. You look like it. I can just tell. You're a divorced dad. Do you have any kids? Yeah, I got two kids. How old are they? Twenty and seven.

Oh, what? Wow. A little bit of a spread there. Now, if I remember correctly, because I got into this, the first wife was what? Crazy? Right. And the second one was black. Brazilian.

The first one was black, right? No, my girlfriend's black. Your girlfriend now is black. The second kid was the Brazilian. The first one, we all make that mistake, the boring white woman. Am I right, people? Anyway, you live and you learn.

No, I'm kidding. I like them. Of course. Well, it works backwards for your people, Willie. Oh, thank you. You have to go from black, and then you find out that you like white. Oh, okay.

Smelling the finger thing, man, I don't know if you're going to find an audience for that ever. I mean, it's just awkward to watch you do it. And that was just creepy. But I felt like you did better than last week. I don't know why. I would just love to make that gif of you popping your finger out of your cheek and you sniffing it and send it to all your students that you teach for

and just see how many times they'd watch that loop over and over and over again. What's your teacher name? Mr. Ruby? Wow. Reach him around Rudy. That's right. Wait, what? Reach him around Ruby.

Oh, yeah. Okay. For those of you that weren't here last week, I asked him what are the kids' nickname? Like the bad kids' nickname for you, and they call you Reach Around Ruby. No, I called him Reach Around Ruby. The 20-year-old,

is that a girl or boy? Both boys. Both boys? Have they seen you perform? Yeah, the 20-year-old has. What did he think? He thought it was funny. I mean, I did different bits when he was... What did he like the most of your act? What did he say?

Dad, that reach-around joke was great. Whatever the pop... That's his joke. You know what that means when you make only boys, right? That means you have a fucking huge dick. Then it gets way deep in there. That's how you make boys.

That's not true. No, it is true. No, it's not. deep in there. That's how you make boys. That's not true. No, it's true. No, it's not. It is true. It's true. Is it true? No, listen. To make a girl, you just shoot it on their kneecap or something.

It just climbs its way up there. Yeah. You blow the dick right off if you shoot it. You have a big dick. Yeah. It takes a real fucking monster dick to only make guys. So if you're wondering, if your dad just made a bunch of girls, he's got a little dick.

Wait, wait, wait. That was real there for a moment. That was all girls that did that. Joe Rogan, that was Tony. Yeah, I'm just kidding. Ladies, I love you. I really do. There's been this whole equality fucking thing lately,

this huge equality fucking everything. What do you mean? Yeah. They're making an all female Ghostbusters. All right. Yeah. Listen to me. I was raised by a single mom. I have two older sisters. I have an amazing girlfriend. Ladies, I love you. Stay the fuck away from my Ghostbusters. OK. Wow. I don't need you as a fucking Ghostbuster. I just don't need it. Not equality for everybody. I don't need my ghosts getting fucking sucked up into the vacuum, okay?

Just fucking... All right. Anyway, this one's going to be blogged about, guys. Yeah, it is. Tony Hinchcliffe says women can't be Ghostbusters. Fuck. I was a big fan of the show till you said I can't be a... Anyway, Jay,

where do you even buy a regular off-white t-shirt like that? That almost seems like something given to you in an insane asylum or something like that. It's not quite gray, not quite white, not quite green. It's somewhere in between those. Like you washed it with a bunch of new towels or something.

Yeah, I don't know where I got this. Do you do your own laundry, Jay? No way. You have that fucking old Brazilian do it for you. Am I right? All right, guys. Not really much more to say since you were just on last week.

Oh, you know what, though? I do remember something about last week. We never got to... We kept saying that there was something creepy, like sexual creepy or something that you weren't telling us. I wasn't here last week, but I agree. Yeah, you could see it, right?

He looks like he's missing a ball gag in his mouth or something like that or some kind of all latex suit that he slides into. Are you going to tell us this week, Jay, what is your creepy thing that we'd love to know about you? Look at that smile on your face. I fucking know that you know. You're like Dexter right now. Oh, I got some shit.

What is it, Jay? Come on. Let's let Reach Around Ruby off for the night. Let's tell the truth. Yeah. Pull out the butt plug and tell us. Just kidding. Just kidding.

Jesus Christ, guys. I'm just kidding. It's a joke. Oh. I was going to say, maybe he likes to be tied up or something. I think he does. I think you're reading him wrong. I think this is some sexual tension that's still left over from Brody being up here.

It could be that. Jay, craziest thing you've ever done in the bedroom with anyone? I had a woman, I had a girlfriend that was leading to S&M until she wanted me to flog her. Hey, wait, wait, wait. Remind me of what that is. It's sort of like a whip with a bunch of tails on it. So she wanted me to flog her, and I was like, oh, fuck, try, wait. Remind me of what that is. It's sort of like a whip with a bunch of tails on it. So she wanted me to flog her, and I was like, oh, fuck, try everything once. But then she wanted me to put a big piece of plywood on my wall and practice to get the rhythm and the stroke.

And I was like, fuck, I'm not going to practice an hour a day until the end of the month. Yeah, that's weird as fuck. She wanted you to practice? That's the weird part. Yeah, that's the as fuck. Yeah. She wanted you to practice? That's the weird part. Yeah, that's the weird part. I mean, I'm not really into any of that whipping shit, but I mean, you know, I mean, you'd have to be like so hot

to get me to beat the shit out of you. You know what I mean? But, but, but to practice it, that's really fucking creepy. So how how long where did she put this piece of plywood what part of your house was that never did she bring it in no she wanted me to go get a piece of plywood she told you to go buy a piece of plywood bring it into your house and practice

whipping so that you could beat her with the whip and you would get stronger at whipping wow so what did you what did you end up which daughter was this the mother of so that you could beat her with a whip and you would get stronger at whipping? Wow. Which daughter was this the mother of? Okay, guys, let's move on. I want to ask what you did after. Obviously, you didn't do that, so what did you do instead? Just weird S&M stuff.

Come on, give us something. Yeah. Oh, you mean like tying her up? To what? No, no ball gag. Didn't go for the suits and all that shit. All right. All right, Jay, maybe next week you'll tell us the truth.

There he goes, everybody. Jay Ruby. At Jay Ruby on Twitter. We're meeting some people tonight. Jay Ruby's a fucking substitute teacher. Fabian Gonzalez works for a hospital. Shit's out of control. So many important people are trying to leave these important jobs

and become stand-up comedians. Like an Uber driver? We need you on the streets. Put your hands together for your next comedian, Tim Nelson. You son of a bitch. What was that? Maybe one of these

very slow-moving men. This is like... Normally when I see people that slow-walking, they're coming from the other side of the wall in Game of Thrones, but I guess it's not them. We just lost half the fucking Muppets on that one, though. How did that happen?

Half of my favorite audience members just left. We still got fucking the guy that was the center square in Hollywood Square. Bruce Valanche! Thank you, sir. That's a fucking team player back there bruce valanche uh center gets the square everybody put your hands together for your next comedian bo langerman Thank you. I'm working on a dating app for kids.

It's called Tinder Garden. Don't Google it. You will be put on a list immediately. I'm a man's man, you know, I'm a man's man. And like most men, I hate condoms, right? For most men, it's the texture. But for me, it's the taste. I just, I'm not a fan. Me and my girlfriend are really into cosplay. Are you all familiar with cosplay? If you don't know what cosplay is, cosplay is when you take roofies and watch Cosby reruns. A lot of fun. No one wins.

A lot of people are afraid of heroin because of the needles. But for me, it's the spoons. It's like, I gotta do dishes and heroin? Come on. I got caught fingering a girl in high school. I'll be honest, she wasn't happy. I don't know. Alright, I think that's a minute, right?

59 seconds. Bo Langerman, everybody. Wow. He got it. Hit them all. Newest time. Bo, how long have you been on stand-up? About five years. Yeah, it shows. Just like the other guy. There's like a blatant difference between season and unseason. Where are you coming in from? Austin, Texas. Oh, awesome. How long have you been in LA? Two

months. Nice, man. That's great. Austin has an amazing scene. Yeah, I really liked it. Yeah, so cool. So you've been out here for two months. You live in the valley as well, everybody's landing patch. I'm like mid-city. Nice. That's cool. How are you enjoying it? I like it a lot. I love the scene. I love the comedy store. It's fantastic. That's so fun. So you've been staying busy doing a lot of spots. Yeah, trying to. You have a great look. You could play one of these

young werewolves on NBC or something like that. I'm going to have Willie put in a good word for you. Yeah, we have a new NBC show called Werewolves. Young werewolves. Young werewolves. Sure, we'll make a change. What was the second joke you did? The condom one.

I actually had heard the Tinder one and the condom one, two different comics before. They're very, I think whenever you have something like Tinder that's that popular everybody's kind of went there. Kinder, gender, whatever. They've kind of... There's that popular, everybody's kind of went there. Kinder, Kinder, Tinder, whatever. They've kind of – There's one joke, you know, Queef – wait, Queef – wait.

Queef, Queef – Queef Latifah? Yeah, Queef Latifah. A lot of people run around this town doing Queef Latifah jokes. So don't fall into the Tinder garden. I'll try not to do that. Yeah. You're like Larry Bird's son.

Yeah. I get that. And the cosplay, I'm sure that's been done also. I mean, it's just, yeah. I mean, all that material, like, it just, it was good. I'll throw it all away. No, I mean. I'm not even saying doing that.

You might be the first one to ever do it. But I think, you know, you just, you're around enough mics, you'll go like, oh, I've heard this already. Is that your style? Like if you were doing a longer set, would you still be hitting those short jokes like that one after the other? I mean, that's what I'm with right now. I used to do longer stuff, but since I'm doing three to five minutes, mostly it's short jokes for sure. Right. And how much material do you think you've compiled?

What's the longest that you've done? I've done like 15, 20 minutes, but I'm only proud of like five, seven that I would be like, I'll do that. I may be the only one saying this, and I could be wrong, but could you pull the mic up just a little bit? Sorry. Or talk into it? Sorry, sorry. And this happened with a comedian that worked here, and it's cool because, like, that's your style.

Yeah. But, like, adjust the mic to where at least you're speaking into it, even if you don't put it up to your mouth, just, like, you know, maybe turn it this way or something like that. Because it just sounds like you don't have a microphone. Yeah. But you do. Yeah.

And you're so comfortable. And if you had a microphone, everything you say would hit even harder. You could also not only – you're one of the few guys that could play both a young werewolf and a young doctor for some reason. Like I could see you pulling that off. Do you do any acting or anything like that? Doctor werewolf? Yeah. Whoa.

Now that's a fucking NBC show if I've ever heard it before. That's how quick it happens. Look, I only do midnight appointments. You get me and Willie together, we just fucking ramble. There's a hit, there's a hit, there's a hit. Dr. Werewolf, Thursdays, 8.30 p.m. on NBC. It just got picked up for season two, by the way. It's going to be live also.

That's how quick shit moves with my guys over there. Bo, what's your favorite thing to do other than stand up what's like your favorite hobby I skateboard I like to ride my skateboard fuck yeah do you ever skateboard with a ball gag in your mouth not recently no I'm still trying to figure out this ball gag thing from the last guy that J Ruby there's something

anyway uh that's fun you've been skateboarding forever right you just find like empty swimming pools and shit yeah that skateboarding thing it's a culture that I've never really gotten into you've been skateboarding forever right you just find like empty swimming pools and shit that's skateboarding thing it's a culture that I've never really gotten into I've been friends with I'm like friends with like 100% not 100% of my friends are skateboarders but

my approval rating among skateboarders is like through the fucking roof good and we're good people skateboarders like making pun jokes I think yeah I've been stuck in that ditch lately. But, you know, it's like my vibe, too. It's like a lanky, sort of ironic dude who's like, you know, a cool dude that people like and want to hang out with.

But, yeah, there's a distance where it's funny. There's a distance where it's funny because I think skaters, when they do that alty, hipstery, insincere short joke comedy, it's told with a funny tone to it. But it doesn't really reveal much about you. But I don't know if that's something you're interested in doing. No, it's definitely limiting short jokes. I mean, it's just kind of clever wordplay. Who are you afraid of? Who are you? No, it's definitely limiting short jokes. It's just kind of clever wordplay. What are you afraid of? Who are you? No, it's like three minutes.

You try and tell a three minute bit and it's going to eat shit. Do you do any jokes about yourself? Yeah, I mean, I have, but... You don't really like them that much? Not recently, no. Nothing that I've written. Do you have any jokes about the way you look?

Yeah. What do you say about that? I have a bit that was like, my hair looks like I'm a starter for an 8th grade basketball team, but my face looks like I'm waiting for an 8th grade basketball team. I used to have a mustache, so it makes more sense, but I don't do it if I don't have a mustache. Right.

Oh, shit. This guy's about to beat the shit out of me. I'm sorry. Eat the mic. Eat the mic. Whoa. Oh, man. It is better to be louder.

It's one of those things that you'll notice just fundamentally out here. You just can't even get by it. Our quietest guest that we ever have on the show is the great Dom Irera. He loves to hold the mic right out here, like right out here. But he kills so hard that he makes – that everybody leans forward to listen. So it's like a different thing. Like he sets you up and then slams you. So until you're just like all home runs all the time, you've got to – you're not going to get the laughs that you even do deserve

if they don't hear it and get punched by it. I've heard that a lot and I don't know why I don't do it enough. I don't know. Do you make videos? I record myself but no, I don't make videos. Like solo masturbation? Oh, outside of comedy, yeah.

I do. I'm working on an animated thing right now. Just stop motion short animation. I like doing weird shit. I think that's a type of comics who tell jokes. I got just some dumbass jokes about wearing LA lights and stuff. And it's like puns. But then we make our own weird shit outside of that comedy, outside of our stand-up.

Bo, what's your favorite difference about L.A. than you're not used to about Austin? What do you like more about it? Because I know you Austin people. You get all excited. You find your favorite fucking juice place and your Whole Foods and everybody. You just live that robot life i'd say in comparison i mean getting up every night or like the open mic uh you you can get up every night in austin but it's like three mics a night four mics a night here it's i mean it's just got a better scene i like that all right does your father hate you no no we get along oh your mom

hates you though we had that long interview about the Christmas thing? Oh, that's right. Yeah. Oh, man. I did another show earlier, and it had this whole Christmas thing to where his father You guys did a show before this show? Yeah, we get together and do a whole thing. Wow. Yeah.

You guys are really hustling. Yeah. I didn't know there was Monday 7 p.m. spots. This is all happening here. We just put this on for your display. Well, Beau, you know, it's some interesting shit. One of the things about Austin, I guess this will be something interesting for us to talk about,

is the age-old thing. Like, a lot of people say, you know, that you should start stand-up in a small city and then move to a big city. And I've always been anti that. I always think that I could see how some people would get comfortable doing a few

years in another city and you sort of like you know, I mean you wouldn't be able to do spots at the comedy store two weeks in a row without people blasting you about not being heard. You know what I mean? Whereas I feel like if you're built in these little interval areas

that all have great comedy scenes, don't get me wrong. A lot of my friends are from Austin, Portland, Denver. But there's something about those things where, you know, don't be completely in love with your style. Don't become complacent. Take chances now. You know what I mean? Yeah. Bo Langerman, everybody.

There he goes. We got a little serious on that one. I feel like this has been more of a... I love it. Thank you. I deserve to have some people walk out after that one, I feel like. This has been a very emotional ride of Kill Tony.

By the way, one of my favorite episodes. I don't give a fuck. Bye, Mark. Oh, my God. Bo Langerman's on Twitter at Bo Langerman, everybody. All right. You sit the fuck down. You're not allowed to get up. All right. There you go. Goodbye.

It's a fucking weird room in here now. Everything flips. This is the one right here. Can I get a gunshot or something? Anything? Jesus. It's fucking tight. It's not tight. It's just digressing.

There we go. You're right. Nothing's going to work right now. This audience is blown out sideways. It's a weird combination. I know why. We just got a little too comedy serious about that. By the way, this is the stuff that the podcast listeners love.

But the live show hates. You know what I mean? People walk out of the live show during that. And people on podcasts are like, you know. Because it gets serious. You learn something. It's different than the usual routine. Well, I'm in pretty much the opposite space of what you were talking about,

about being in L.A. right now. Because I've been in L.A. for nine years. I've been doing comedy live for five years well live comedy club style comedy like i was doing making videos and doing sketches and shit before that but um i uh i'm getting very frustrated with the amount of hustle you have to get to get seven to ten minutes yeah well i mean in some cases let alone three minutes but you've've been in L.A. Nine minutes. Nine months, would you say? Nine years.

Nine years. You've been in L.A. for nine years? Yeah, I went to USC. How long have you been going to comedy clubs? I mean, I used to go to UCB in college all the time, and then comedy clubs started after. I was like working at this adult company. How long have you been coming here? About a year.

Right. About a little over a year, I discovered the comedy store. I came in one night during the roast battle. I played Suck the Gun Like a Dick song and it killed and they started having me back. That's the main thing that I just said at the end to Bo was the trick to just busting

through everything is by taking chances and continuously creating. I'm in the space though. I'm like I either need to get the fuck out of LA for a little bit and get some stage time in front of people who I don't recognize in the audience. You definitely have to do that, man. Or slow down performing and

work on writing and making my own shit to put out. You can perform and still do that and do the other thing. Anyway, guys, what are we learning here tonight is that if you're not here, thank you for that worst clap I've ever heard. Yeah, it was pretty bad.

I don't want your clap. Who said I even wanted that? You went the wrong direction. I wanted fucking no clap. I'm trying to fix it now. Place goes crazy when I diss their clap all right um you know what why don't we uh do one more real quick yeah fast one why don't we do our

regular and then if we have time let's knock somebody out real quick all right uh guys i guess this is sort of fitting that this is like a sort of a deep episode tonight because we just are no longer allowed to have, we just found out, we were informed this week that one of our regulars, since she was under 21, is absolutely, they are not allowing anyone under 21 to perform at the Comedy Store anymore. R.I.P. So we lost Allie Makovsky who just got on board

a couple months ago. One of our favorite people. She absolutely murdered set after set. We celebrated her birthday with her. She turned from 19 to 20. Anyway, she's no longer allowed to be a regular on the show. Which

really fucking sucks. She was highly recruited by me. So now's the time to start flirting with me and Tony if you're a young girl from the ages of 21 and up. Flirt with Brian. Flirt with Brian. I'll judge you off of how well you flirt with Brian.

Tony likes to watch. Because that's some real performing if you can pull that off don't talk to me guys we still have our other regular she's over 21 even though she's like an innocent

baby she's notoriously nervous put your hands together for her it's the one and only Melissa Esslinger everybody here she is every time I go to the store I come out a little bit more lesbian I wish I were

a lesbian because like I keep acting like one but I really like penis so I don't know, but I don't, like, want a penis. Maybe just for, like, a day, just to see what it feels like, but I don't know. I had a dream a few times. This was a reoccurring dream where I had this cancer,

and the only cure for it was to have a penis. Woke up in the bathtub with a the dick played with it for a day and then went back to being a girl in other news I just broke up with just broke up with my friends with benefits got dumped by my fuck buddy um there goes the shaking again if I'm going to get upset over a guy's dick better be a fucking good one there you go a minute by Melissa Esslinger everybody fuck yeah I love it

I love it I love it I love it I love it that all seems real and true to you I wish that you could harbor that nervousness. It's actually cute a little bit. There's definitely some likeability. I like you that you care so much

that you're a little nervous, but you still fight through it. You started out with confidence. It was amazing. Every time you go into a store, you become more of a lesbian. What's the reason? I walk out.

Well, she looks like a lesbian, Brian. I know. So you're saying you bought that clothes at the store is what you're saying? Yeah. Okay. You might want to kind of talk about that, though. Every time I go to the store, I end up buying more flannels or something like that. Because I had no idea what that had to do with.

I just went to a store. Yeah, like you leave a grocery store carrying, like, a sack of groceries, but people think you're carrying groceries for, like, the girl that you're walking next to who you don't know. What? Sorry, I didn't know how to. She had a bag of vaginas when she was sleeping. No, I mean, because I was just trying to figure that part out in the dream with the dick part. That's cool.

You did way better than this week. You were way more easier to watch because you actually had material and stuff. Try to describe your joke, I guess. I think people were laughing and smiling just because it's adorable, you saying it. When I was thinking about it, I was like, that made no sense at all.

Every time you go to a store, you become more of a lesbian. I walk out a little bit more lesbian. Yeah, but still, that makes zero sense. Describe a clothing store, because that makes sense. Because you've been buying flannels and stuff, is what you're saying. Every time you leave the Army surplus store. Yeah.

There you go. I look more and more like a lesbian. Yeah, because if you just go to Circuit City, you'd be like, oh, why is this place open? I thought it closed. R.I.P. Circuit closed. R.I.P. Circuit City, R.I.P. I stole many Beatles CDs from there. $17.99 back in the day.

Wasn't going to pay for that. Here I am now. So you're saying, is that true? You and your fuck buddy are done? I don't know. Okay. Just floating it out there. The idea of you having a fuck buddy is hilarious.

Right. You're like these late night texts. And her name is Sally. She's a Pekingese. Yeah. That reference hits a little close to home, Brian. Wait, what? Fuck yeah.

So you've been buying a lot of flannels. What was the thing about you woke up in a bathtub with a dick? Was that in a dream? Yeah. Because you got a huge laugh off of your transition because I think we were all thinking the same thing, which was, what the fuck? And then you just changed it.

In other news, so how does that end? Maybe I just missed it. Bathtub? What were you saying? I really have had a dream more than once where I had this illness in my dream. And they were like, you're going to have to have surgery. And then I woke up in a bathtub and I had a penis. In the dream?

In the dream. Okay. That part's important. In a dream. What did you think in that dream? In my dream. In the dream. Okay. That part's important. In a dream. What did you think in that dream? In my dream? Yeah. Honestly, I played with my penis.

Wow. Was it a wet dream? You just got a dick and you immediately start playing with it. She was in the bathtub. It was a very wet dream. And I was like, all right, now I... Then I went back to being a penis. And once you jerked off, you're like, I don't want this anymore.

Pretty much. That's how we all feel. So wait. Yeah. That's the joke. Was the bathtub that you're waking up in, was it filled with water? Yeah. Wow.

So you wake, you know, all of a sudden you're in a dream and there's a dick floating right where your dick. Wait. No. She had a dick. Was it a black or white one? Good question. That is a very good it a black or white one good question that is a very good question

good question because the black looks when you're sitting in a bathtub it pops above the water like a parachute and your reaction oh my god I got a dick compared to I got a dick

exactly yeah right like mine looks like you know like a drowning baby because it's just trying to reach the top

but guys this is the kind of episode where we can all we can all share a little bit baby because it's just trying to reach the top. Guys, this is the kind of episode where we can all share a little bit of what our flaccid penis looks like in the bathtub. This is what we would call an intimate episode of

Kill Tony. It almost seems like you bought that flannel to do that joke. I didn't. I bought it. Someone made fun of me, and I went with it. Right. So when you bought it, you weren't even thinking lesbian. No. Wow.

You know what? You might be a lesbian. Yeah, definitely. This is like some kind of Larry the Cable Guy show. You might be a lesbian. I mean, do you like eating pussy? No. Jesus.

God damn it, Brian. The way you can like... She said a girl directly in her eyes and say something like that. Well, she answered no. She didn't say, I don't know. Well, okay, fair enough. I don't know, but I don't think I would.

That's the proper answer. I'd admit it if I had done it. Have you ever kissed a girl? Yes. From behind? Because this beautiful son of a bitch because if you haven't kissed a girl this beautiful supermodel right here is

volunteered to be your first kiss the one sitting next to the center square there oh I thought you're talking about the center square okay guys I was making a joke and then again you got too fucking real in here this is too weird weird i could see jamie back there just dying i know every episode and he has no idea what the fuck's happening tonight but i love it real real organic debacle melissa here's something that i ask all of the uh other people

but i don't think i've ever asked you what are some of your favorite things to do for fun? What are your hobbies? Or what have been hobbies of yours in the past? Anything fun. I play music. What kind of music do you play? I play guitar. I play drums.

Really? I write songs. Or I used to. I don't really anymore. Really? Yeah, she Facebook messaged me saying you want to jam. Yeah, and you were like, that's cool. Did you respond to her Facebook message?

I responded. I said, what did I say? I don't know. It didn't sound like you were into it, though. I was just funny. I was just like, yeah. You guys should be great. You could make an all-lesbian jam band together.

Yeah. And really take off the fucking Scissor Sisters. The Scissor Sisters. Fuck yeah. So what else? You play music. You play the drums. You play guitar.

These are all very lesbian qualities, by the way. I'm pretty sure we're getting somewhere here. What else? You like paintball? Dude, I only did that once. Whoa. Dude.

Dude. Dude. Dude. Roasted. Dude, I only did that once. Whoa. Dude. Dude. Dude. Dude. Dude. Dude. I only did that once. We already had this conversation. I know.

Her Facebook has a lot of pictures where I thought she was in the Army. I was in ROTC for a year and one of our exercises was. What is that? It's like being in the Army in college. Recruit officer training. Get the fuck out of here. You did that? Yeah, I did that.

I can't imagine how much you must have been shaking in that line. I mean, geez. That drill sergeant comes around like, what the fuck were you? What was going on there? Oh, my gosh. I did this thing. They had like a college club version of like the Rangers, which anybody that's a Ranger would be offended by that because that's, okay.

Shitty story short I I was like the only girl no I wasn't I cried a lot I cried a lot she might you know it's one of those things

we've been noticing for the last two months since making her a regular it's called the spectrum she's on the spectrum I think I'm on the spectrum It's one of those things that we've been noticing for the last two months since making our regulars. It's called the spectrum. That's what it's called. She's on the spectrum. I think I'm on the spectrum. Yeah, it's not like it's a bad thing.

We're friends with autistic people. Some of us. Yeah. And even if... Was that you that said some of us? No. That was me. Okay. I love it.

Racist. We had to carry a rock and run with it and we had to be like this is my rock without my rock i am nothing wow so you had to do that and we we had to parade around campus like dying and uh they would make us growl like bears and stuff yeah would you bunk with the guys? No, I was in college. I lived in my dorm. It was like a part-time play army kind of thing. Did you like it?

Wait, play army? I think I just like to abuse myself. It's where you and a bunch of girls get together and dress up like army people. Can you give us an example of this bear growl that you just described? No? I don't remember. I don't know. You don't remember how to growl that you just described? No. I don't remember. You don't remember how to growl like a bear? I'm not doing it. Alright, fine.

I mean... Jesus! Oh my god! You podcast listeners should know that that was totally Melissa Esslinger. Unbelievable how you said you weren't gonna do it and then you just fucking roared like that very impressive Melissa Esslinger, you did it again

she's Melissa Esslinger, she's currently the only regular on this show everybody else gets pulled out of the bucket she gets a new 60 seconds every single week very hard to do she's on Twitter and Instagram at Melissa Esslinger.

We had somebody start a drawing. Did she leave? Yep. With the rest of the audience? Yep. She, uh... I bet. At Josh Martin Comic is Josh Martin.

He's the runaround producer. He's unbelievable. Follow him on Twitter and Instagram. Patty Reagan. What's happening, Pat? Anything else? Fucking just this, man. Willie Hunter is the man.

I implore all of you to follow him on everything, and whatever you do, watch my new favorite TV show on NBC, The Carmichael Show. It's smart, it's funny, and it's the best thing to happen to sitcoms in like 20 fucking years. And I'm serious.

Thanks, thanks. I don't just make shit up. It's a great show. Yes, there you go. Watch it on NBC, The Carmichael Show. Nashville, Sacramento, San Francisco. Yeah, all these road shows because I sell out fucking venues.

I'm going to be coming to your city. So go everywhere. Columbus, Pittsburgh. Thanks to young Jamie in the back. Jamie Vernon, yes. The best. Live audience, it was a crazy one tonight. You can always say that you were there for one of the weirdest episodes of Kill Tony ever. Thank you so much. I love you. Good night. I could bring your company down

Just one of your girlfriends But I know that's not what you want If tomorrow the world ends Why should we be with the one we really love? Now tell me who knows you've been bringing up I am all alone Oh no Oh no

I got the crazy I can't get you out of my way I can't get you out of my way I'm going to go somewhere I'm going to go somewhere I'm going to go somewhere Yay!