KILL TONY - KILL TONY #126

Episode Date: November 12, 2015

Bobby Lee, Greg Fitzsimmons, Ali Macofsky, Melissa Eslinger, Tony Hinchcliffe, Pat Regan, Josh Martin, Brian Redban - Date: 10/19/2015 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony. Don't forget to subscribe to Kill Tony on iTunes. Just search for Kill Tony and hit subscribe. You can also subscribe to everything we do at Death Squad by just subscribing to Death Squad. That will also include Kill Tony, Verbal Violence, and the Ice House Chronicles, and all the other podcasts we do here at Death Squad. Also, check out shopsquad.tv. There you have all the official merchandise

Of the Death Squad universe Including three Three new Death Squad shirts Including Taco Cat Which is a brand new one That just came out this week Also go to TonyHinchcliffe.com For all his tour dates

And merch and information And don't forget that Kill Tony is recorded live Every Monday at the Comedy Store. It's a free show. It's in the Belly Room. And every Tuesday, we have Verbal Violence in the Belly Room. And every Friday, we have the Ice House Comedy Show. It's the Death Squad show there. We do it every Friday. Me and Kill Tony are going on the road We are bringing Kill Tony finally to Pittsburgh and Ohio Pittsburgh, it's going to be November 27th

That's a Friday night at 8 o'clock Followed by a Death Squad comedy show And then Sunday, November 29th We are going to be in Columbus, Ohio at Woodlands Tavern And that starts at 7 o'clock Followed by a comedy show at 9 o'clock. You can go get tickets by going to Shop Squad or going to DeathSquad.tv and clicking on tour dates. All right, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Hey, this is Red Band coming to you live from the Road Famous Comedy Store for a brand new episode of Kill Tony! Volume 3, get up for Tony Hedgland! Fuck yeah. Here we are again, everybody. Welcome. Welcome, live audience. Come on, you can make more noise than that Monday night. There you go. Prove to the thousands and thousands on Ustream

and the hundreds and hundreds on Periscope. It's a real live audience. Guys, hello. Welcome to another fun episode of Kill Tony. And before we get started, I just want to say, Kill Tony's going on the road, guys. We're doing four shows in two cities, in Pittsburgh and Columbus, Ohio,

where our old Hought's stomping grounds. Yeah, I can't wait for that. That's Friday, November 27th and Sunday, November 29th. So that's going to be fun. See Kill Tony live in Ohio. Ryan Redband's here, everybody. Hey, guys. For Brian Redband.

The house artist, Ryan J. Ebelt, is back from Texas where he was last week. He draws every single episode. Right now he has a blank sheet of paper. By the end of the episode, we're going to show it to you. He's going to draw tonight's episode live as it happens right now. And keep it going for the one man band, the one and only Pat Reagan, everybody. Here he is. Live in the flesh.

Nothing can stop him. Pat, how's life? What's happening? Life's good. Do you feel good about your performance so far here tonight? I feel okay about it. I feel okay, yes. Okay, good answer.

Is that microphone on? Check. It's not. No. It's definitely not. Josh? Josh? Try it again.

Hello. There he is. Kind of. There we go. Hello. Kind of. Hello. Maybe. We're doing it, guys. he is kind of there we go hello kind of maybe we're doing it guys this is a live show

if you didn't believe it was live before now you know it's a real live show fuck yeah this is how the magic happens Tony how you doing I'm doing great

I just had a fun weekend thanks to everybody in Portland Oregon who came out to my shows at Helium we had an amazing weekend there and I'm doing Sacramento tomorrow and San Francisco the next day and then Atlanta in Portland, Oregon, who came out to my shows at Helium. We had an amazing weekend there, and I'm doing Sacramento tomorrow and San Francisco the next day,

and then Atlanta the next weekend after that. So that's the end of promotions, guys. You guys ready to start the show or what, you crazy motherfuckers? Let's just get right into it. Tonight's secret surprise guests are two of the best comedians in the world. As always, I always have two of my funniest friends, two of the best comedians on the show.

This week's no different. From Howard Stern, Mad TV, Comedy Central, HBO, you name it, you've seen them. Two of the best. Put your hands together for Bobby Lee and Greg Fitzsimmons, everybody. Here they are. Here they are. and Greg Fitzsimmons, everybody. Here they are.

Yeah, baby. Yeah, baby. Here they are, guys. So excited to be here. Yes, you are. Bobby is the only guest who's ever walked out of the show before. Thank you. About 100 episodes ago, he walked out of the show before. Thank you. Thank you.

About 100 episodes ago, he walked out of the show. Last week. Brody did it too. Brody did do it last week. But Brody didn't really decide that. Brody, that was one of the voices in his head. Bobby actually made the sound decision to leave. He planned it, and then he followed through with it.

I'm going to stay for this whole thing, guys, okay? Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Greg Fitzsimmons is back again. Bobby, you have a new podcast. What's that called?

It's called Tiger Belly, and it's with me and my woman. Yeah. There you go. Greg Fitzsimmons, the man with the plan, is back again. I can't get enough of this show because it makes me feel better than other comedians. Yeah, it does. That's why I do it. Every single week it's a big confidence boost.

It's like sucking the marrow of their dream. Yeah, which is the marrow of their dream. Yeah. Yeah. Which is the juiciest part. Oh, it's a little more expensive this way. No, and I see comics that I've judged before and actually I always feel bad when we do it

but then they always say, oh, it's like the greatest night of my life. Yeah, everybody always loves it. Everybody always has fun because they're used to doing open mics with just each other. And on this show, you get sound advice, you get to have some fun, talk to great comedians, and be part of a live following.

Maybe they get a few Twitter followers from the thousands and thousands watching on Ustream right now. And also, Tony, I want to be very positive tonight. Uh-oh. I'm not going to do anything negative. I'm going to support. Okay. Because I've been so depressed lately. I don't know why, and I feel like I have to give back.

So let's clap for that, guys. I'm going to be positive tonight. No more fucking around. Love. I just love that Bobby Lee would say, I've been so depressed and I don't know why. You're fucking Bobby Lee. Look at your mustache.

I'm not going to be positive tonight. Guys, Pat Reagan, you have a question for our guests tonight. I thought we were done with that segment. Tony, just give it a shot. Give it a shot real quick. I want you to see if you can come up with anything. You got anything?

No? Then let's start the show. You guys ready anything. You got anything? No? Then let's start the show. You guys ready for Kill Tony or what? Tonight, on this night, right now, over 40 comedians stacked all the way back to the fire eggs that have signed up

for the chance to do one minute. If their name gets pulled out of the bucket, they come up here, they get an uninterrupted 60 seconds. Comedians, you know your 60 seconds is up when you hear the sound of a kitty. Aw, did you hear that? Can we do that one more time a little bit louder? That means wrap it up then, or I'm sure going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. Whoa!

There you go. Okay. Alright. How dare you, Brian. There was a There you go. Okay. All right. Jesus. How dare you, Brian? There was a shooting here two weeks ago. It's too soon for that. Too soon is also Bobby's aunt's name, right? That's an Asian joke.

Yes, too soon. Too soon, Lou. Guys, let's get this show started. You ready for Kill Tony or what? You motherfuckers. Another crazy Monday night here at the Comedy Store. Okay, I pulled the name out of the bucket. This looks like a new name. I'm always excited when they're easy, short names.

It usually says a lot about what we're about to see. So here we go. Let's see if this is a real person. P. Ness. There's not really a P-Ness? I didn't know Shady Let's try Dylan Gray How about Dylan Gray?

Not quite as Woo Well this is terrifying quietus. Woo! Well, this is terrifying. Does this come off of here? All right. Do I just go? All right.

My name is Dylan. I'm actually not from here. I wrote my friend Eric into coming down here to watch me fail at this for 60 seconds, but I'm a bisexual Republican political consultant. I work my friend Eric into coming down here to watch me fail at this for 60 seconds, but I'm a bisexual Republican political consultant. I work on campaigns, and bisexuality is not a phase. It's actually a thing. Sometimes I wake up in the morning. I just want to

fuck a set of tits. I think you know what I'm talking about. No? Yeah? Okay. And then other days, I just want to suck a row of dicks. I just want to go down to the bathhouse. No? Okay. I just want to go down to the bathhouse. No? Okay. I've decided that I try to figure out whether or not I was a top or a bottom by figuring out how hard my dick gets when I get fucked by a dude or if I'm fucking a guy. So if I'm trying to fuck a guy and my dick's kind of going soft, I'm like, maybe I'm a bottom.

And when a black guy who's like 210 pounds starts fucking my ass, my dick's really, really hard, then I know, oh my god, I'm a fucking bottom. Red band! Alright, so that's 60 seconds. That was a long 60 seconds. Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow. So long that it made

Dylan go soft while he was on bottom. Dylan, step back up to the microphone. What are you doing, you crazy son of a bitch? I don't know. I've never done this. Okay. First of all, untangle the mic cord from the mic stand. Okay.

Dylan. Yep. How many times have you done stand-up comedy before? This is the first time I've ever done it. First time for Dylan Gray, ladies and gentlemen. There it is. The chicken of cherry popping. When you hear that chicken, you know somebody's cherry just got popped.

There it is. Dylan, your first time ever doing stand-up. So let's get through it. The very first thing you said was, does this thing come out of this thing? That microphone will always come out of the mic stand 100% of the time for future reference. That's fair. Another thing about your first time doing stand-up is it's a lot like getting fucked by a black guy. So it could make you kind of hard.

No, it didn't. I was worried about that, but it didn't happen. There you go. Pat Reagan throwing in some thunder quick. We're going to call Pat 0 for 1 so far tonight. Yeah, Bobby Lee. Have you ever heard of something called food? Oh.

You have Kate Moss's body. It's what the black guys do. Is that positive? I'm trying to be positive. Because she's hot, kind of, right? Yeah. I like your opening line, this is so terrifying. That's what I say when I wake up in the morning.

Yeah, Dylan, let's answer the question for you right now. I'm pretty sure you're a bottom bro. I mean, I consider myself a very aggressive top. You'd be like Hannibal from NBC's show. You'd be like the kind of top that has a weapon

to their throat or something like that. So, Dylan, you just came out. You said you're a bisexual what? Republican? Republican political consultant. be like the kind of top that has like a weapon to their throat or something like that uh so dylan so you just came out what you said you're a bisexual what republican political consultant i'm actually here for a week on work holy shit where are you visiting from what part of utah i work at the capital utah yeah i work at the capital in sacramento for the republican caucus but i actually am from oregon caucus yeah? Yeah. He loves that caucus, baby. So I'm just down here for a week with my friend Eric. He has no idea what's going on, but yeah.

I was the first one called, so I'm actually kind of terrified, but I said that already. Yeah, well, I think you did a very good time. It's hard. You put a lot of energy into it. I think you did great for your first time, Dylan. Yeah, thank you.

You did. You did terrific. Yeah. Do the Republicans know that you're bisexual? Some time, Dylan. Yeah. Thank you. You did. You did terrific. Yeah. Do the Republicans know that you're bisexual? Some of them do. Some of them do. I don't want to talk about this anymore. Oh.

No, it's definitely like, I think that when you come out with that much information, like Republican, bisexual, you kind of need to lay it out a little. It's like when you're telling your, pretend you're telling your parents that you take it up the ass from 220 pound black guys and like ease the audience into a little bit. You rushed into it so fast, my ass hurt.

Yeah. Yeah. Really, you really rushed into it. Very graphic too. You don't really match your material so it has this really weird vibe that I believe very much. Was that, I mean much was that i mean

was this mostly true right wow yeah yeah i mean that's a lot to take in you know without like a buffer of some sort you pretty much just raped my ass and i didn't even know it i'm sorry uh so dylan so how long have you how long are you in la for i'm'm here until Friday. I'm moving down here next month to work full time. Wow. Hell yeah, you are. I think what's also difficult, and I can speak for Bobby, is that you're attractive, and so when you talk about all this gay stuff,

he's looking at you like... Because you've fucked around with guys, right? Okay. In high school, I got drunk because my cousin Andy lived with me. No.

Yeah, my cousin Andy lived with me and my brother says that we 69, but... That's it. Right. Yeah.

Did you all die number 69? Who knows? Who knows? 69. And then I didn't see my cousin Andy seriously for like 25 years. And his mom died. And I saw him by her casket.

And I was with my mom. I go, do I have to hug him? She said, you don't have to if you don't want to. Right? And I did. And it was really fucking weird. Like, I want to say sorry for 69ing you, but. You should have just hugged him upside down.

You know what I mean? Just grabbed him and fucking... Do a handstand and then hug him. Yeah, exactly. Just walk up on your hands and just relive it again. You know what I mean? I've never 69ed my cousin before, so... Okay, well, there you go.

So, Dylan, is stand-up something you've always wanted to do? Have you listened to this show before and you're like, I'm going to start right there? I've listened to the show, like, maybe three episodes. I've always, like, I wrote down notes and stuff in Evernote. But I've never actually done it. I just thought that this would be the most terrifying way to do my first time. So I just did it.

Fuck yeah. And you know what? Stand-up is the bravest thing you can do. And you did it. And that's fucking amazing. So give him a round of applause, everybody. There you go. It's an amazing thing.

It really is. Dude, when I first did it, I was so scared. I was shaking. I couldn't... I'm definitely shaking. Yeah, but you did great, though. The first time you did what? Sucked off your cousin? Or stand-up comedy? Oh, oh, okay. Dylan, any parting words?

What else? Are you going to do this again? Do you like the rush that you got? You keep moving farther and farther back to the point to where I think you're going to end up out that fire exit if you keep wiggling back anymore yeah I'm moving down here next month so I'll probably try this out again fuck yeah also I one last thing to say when you

want if you want to take the mic off the stand put the stand in back of you because it's like in front of you and it's distracting don't sit on it Dylan don't sit on it just put it behind you. You've put long black things behind you before. We've answered it once again. You're a bottom, Dylan.

So there you go. Fun to have you on. Congratulations. Your first time doing stand-up. Dylan Gray. He's on Twitter. Dylan James Gray. And there you go.

That's your first comedian. Fuck yeah. That's how it happens. That's how it happens. And there you go. That's your first comedian. Fuck yeah. That's how it happens. That's how it happens right there. Everybody knows that our listenership across the world has a very, very, very heavy bisexual Republican following. So, you know, it's just a little glimpse of... Doesn't it seem like if he's bisexual,

he should be bipartisan as well? That's true a little glimpse of... Doesn't it seem like if he's bisexual, he should be bipartisan as well? That's true. Yeah. It's a political joke. I pulled another name out of the bucket. Jermaine Parra. Yes. Here he comes from way up top.

Oh, boy. The long walk. Jermaine Parr, everybody. Come on. Thank you very much. Thank you very much. I am a contractor, and I've been doing some work for a client

who's actually a congressman, Democrat, and he would every now and then come down to where we're working, run his ideas, that was a long walk, I'm tired, he would run his ideas by the workers, and this was his idea, he said, what if we started a program that encourages pedophiles to have sex with midgets instead. Everybody wins. And I said, first of all, it's little people. You can't say midgets.

That's a joke. 50 seconds of thunder from Jermaine Parra. Am I saying that right, Jermaine? Jermaine. Jermaine. Hell yeah. I like any set that ends with first of all and then ends. Yeah.

You don't get the second or the third. Was there more to that? I thought I was out of time. You had a few seconds left. Do you want to finish it now? What's second of all?. Was there more to that? I thought I was out of time, so I didn't want to get the big... You had a few seconds left. Do you want to finish it now? What's second of all? Just do one more joke, please. Do one more joke. End it on the first of all? That's what you're saying? Yeah, let's just leave it.

Okay. Let me ask you this. Do you have any more jokes? Let's start there. I do have more jokes. Okay. One minute, man. Okay, buddy. Leave them one more. Yeah, I get wanting more I get it So your real name is Jermaine? Jermaine

Am I saying that right? How'd you get that name? I was a baby What nationality are you? I was a baby You're not an American. He's just fucking tan. We're not TSA.

You can answer honestly. What nationality are you? My parents came from Mexico. So you're fucking Mexican. Right. If I went to Mexico And said I was Mexican That's racist Bobby You're not a fucking Mexican

You're an American Right So when that happened I said you know what Well you guys can go fuck yourselves Can I ask you a question I grew up in Mexico When I was 8 to 13

I lived there And I was treated horribly By the way Hola que tal I didn't understand your joke really So you said everyone wins I lived there and I was treated horribly. Hola, que tal? I didn't understand your joke really. So you said everyone wins. So the pedophiles and the midget.

But the midget doesn't win. Right. He gets to be with a person. Yeah, but the midget doesn't win. He doesn't want to be in that situation. He was a politician who was trying to solve some problems. It wasn't my idea, man. Okay, all right, my bad. What were you doing? You were doing like a city council meeting? No, I was working at who was trying to solve some problems. It wasn't my idea, man. Okay, all right, my bad. What were you doing?

You were doing like a city council meeting? No, I was working at this dude's house. Whoa. Building his kitchen. Was it Dylan Gray? You can look him up. He's a real congressman. It's a true story.

It's not bullshit. This is what he said. I said, I have to tell people about this because it was funny as hell. I thought it was. Right. So he wanted the pedophiles to hook up. This is what he said. I said, I have to tell people about this because it was funny as hell. I thought it was. Right. So he wanted the pedophiles to hook up. A program that encourages pedophiles to have sex with midges instead.

It sounds like a good idea on the surface. What if you added this so that everyone's a winner? Maybe little people that have daddy complexes. That way everybody wins. Because then their dad is fucking them. There you go. You get professionals that help you make the material better. So,

the congressman said, let's let the pedophiles have sex with midgets instead of going to jail? Encourage them. Instead of having sex with kids, they're having sex with the midgets. Yeah, but you said everyone wins. The midgets don't win. Yeah, the midgets,

they don't win. Bobby's kind of short if you didn't notice. I was so upset they called them midgets. I was like, bro, it's little people. But that's the only part that you added to the joke. You basically just told what someone else said

and then and then added the word little people uh so what they were saying is that do you have any more to the joke or like do you have any other tags shit to add to that and not dripped off with first of all i don't call them midgets or take out first of all good good edit can i say one thing? Good live editing I mean you guys are focusing on first of all Which is Look First of all

Of course we're going to focus on first of all We want to know what second of all and third of all were We want to hear more That's like foreplay, and then you go, I hope you enjoyed that. See you later. Here's a pedophile to finish the job for me. That's sort of what it's like.

Yeah, I don't call them midgets or little people. I call them footlongs, which is fitting because according to this, that's what we could have Jared do. You know what I mean? Just fucking hook up with some midgets. Imagine if he was hooking up with midgets and nobody would get hurt on the deal. This congressman, what does he do for work now?

He's a Democrat in the Congress right now. Wow. And he owes me $1,500, which is why I'm going to tell his story. Holy shit. What's his name? Say it. You have to say it. He owes you $1,500.

He owes you money, dude. I still want to get those $1,500, man. Is he more successful than the guy that the last comic works for? Yeah, you're getting butt-fucked harder than the last guy. That's what sucks. At least he's not $1 not 1500 deep from his boss. Why are you letting these guys push you around, Jermaine? Don't you ever just use

that first name to your fucking advantage? You know what I mean? You know who the fuck I am? I'm a fucking Jermaine, motherfucker. Just go all like... Show them that, you know... What's it rhyme with? His name is Antonio Cardenas from Sylmar.

Look his ass up. Look his ass up, man. The horn of truth comes out out of nowhere. I love that. I don't think anyone can spell that, what you just said. So I think he's safe. Tony. Everybody calls him Tony.

Oh, I see. Jermaine, now, so what do you do exactly for work? I'm a contractor. I build kitchen cabinets. I take old kitchens out, put new ones in. Oh. I just do the cabinets. I don't do the granite.

Yeah, you really are Mexican. People always ask me to do the granite. That's your Mexican side. Now I see. It's not in your first name. It's not in your last name. It's in your occupation, and I appreciate that. Right.

Cabinet building. And he doesn't finish the job. Yeah. He's like, granted, it's not my job. That's a different contractor, man. That's the Italian. Right? And you talk shit about midgets on stage because you know

midgets don't buy cabinets because they're too high up, so fuck them anyway, right? I was defending the midgets. You were defending the midgets. Yeah, I was saying. Okay. Jermaine, what do you like to do for fun? What's your favorite

hobby? You seem like an undercover cop, so I want to know, what do you do for fun? What's the crazy shit you jerk off to or something like that? All right, other than stand-up. Come on, give us something good. What's your favorite hobby? I'm a musician also.

Really? What kind of music you play? Guitar? All kinds. I'm a bass player. Bass player. Hell yeah. You know how to get all that pussy. Bass players rolling it deep, right? You should get all the fall off from every other... That's basically what it is.

Jermaine the bass player. Not black. That's basically what it is. Jermaine, the bass player. Not black. That's right. He's still not black. A little bait and switch. How long have you been doing stand-up, Jermaine? In November, it's one year. Fuck yeah. Well, congratulations.

It was nice to meet you, and thanks for coming on the show. There goes Jermaine. Jermaine Parra. He's on Twitter at James underscore Schrader. A totally different name. Who the fuck's James Schrader? I don't know what that is. Oh, that must be somebody else

signed up. For the Twitter? Yeah. No, it's just my name. I don't know why they put that. Oh, okay. Well, alright. Jermaine Parra, everybody. just my name. I don't know why you put that. Oh, okay. Well, all right. Jermaine Parra, everybody. There he goes. If you need cabinets, any comedians that need cabinets, Jermaine's going to give you a good deal.

A lot of comedians in Hollywood right now are looking for... All right, fuck it. I pulled another name out of the bucket. This next one goes by the name of Bo Laughman. There's no way these are real. Somebody... Oh, it's a real person goes by the name of Bo Laughman. There's no way these are real. Somebody, oh, it's a real person.

Here he comes. Bo Laughman. Yeah. Real name, unfortunately. It's Laughman, but okay. I'm good. I went back home recently. That was good. It's good to go back home. It's weird jerking off in the bed you grew up in

Especially when your family sold that home years ago Yeah current residents aren't happy but you know You know you've had too much to drink when you pass out and your friends draw on you with permanent marker But you know you hit rock bottom when you pass out and your friends draw on you with permanent marker But it's all positive shit, you know you hit rock bottom when you pass out and your friends are on you with permanent marker, but it's all positive shit, you know? Like, get help. We love you. Have you ever hit a parked car and had to leave a note, but then you come back later way drunker and you're like, fuck that, you take the note back?

Yeah. If you ever hear somebody say, we're all men here you're gonna see their dick that's how it works that's just how it works did you all hear about the shooting that happened here it's pretty crazy I was there was intense it Wow There you go There you go Topical Topical Almost had Steve on the show tonight And I'm glad I didn't

Almost Would you have still done the joke? Yeah, of course I would have to He would have loved it He would have loved it Would he? I think so, yeah

Wow Well, Bo Great stuff He would have loved it. Would he? I think so, yeah. Wow. Well, Bo, great stuff. I love your style. Jokes were great. Fun stuff. How long have you been doing stand-up? About seven years.

Wow. Where at? I started in Houston, moved to Austin, then I moved here about two months ago. Wow. And you've clearly been doing all of that in the same t-shirt, right? Yeah. And pants and sneakers. Laundry day should have been today.

Yeah. You got the beard, you have the suave hair, you must be just rolling deep in anything you want, right? I don't know whether you're into girls or Dylan, but you can basically get whatever you want, right? I got a girlfriend and she's great, you know. What does she do? She's in school. She goes to LMU. LMU, what's that? Loyola Marymount. Oh, okay.

That's an all-female school, right? No, no. It's like a, I don't know. It's a school. She does fine art. Fine art? Yeah. What's that mean? It's a school. She does fine art. I don't know. Fine art? Yeah. What's that mean? That's what she studied. It's better than shitty art. Yeah.

It's an unpaid position. That's what it is. Wait, so she came out here before you? No, no. We came out together about two months ago, yeah. But you arranged it so she'd start school as you came out? She applied to two schools in New York and one in L.A. She got better financial aid here, and we came here.

Do you use her shampoo? I don't. Yeah. Yeah. There you go. Were all those jokes new or you're just too lazy to memorize them? I was on here last week and so I did like kind of

B material and so I kind of had to glance over a little bit. Okay. Wait, you had one minute and you did B material? I was on here last week so I kind of had to glance over a little bit. Wait, you had one minute and you did B material? I was on here last week, so I had to not do that stuff, which I had memorized. It was B material during the second minute. Yeah, sometimes minute two gets a little rough.

You know what I mean? Then minute two, you start to panic. You got a really good D. I know. Seven years. Seven years in the game, and you get a minute two. When's your new comedy special on Vine come out? There you go.

Ryan Redman. You did great this week. I think you did better than last week, right? I don't know. Is that your real last name, Laughman? It's Laughman, but yeah, it's spelled like that. It's really spelled like that? That's a great comedy name.

It's kind of bittersweet. Why is it bittersweet? Well, it kind of seems hacky, you know, Laughman. But that's your actual last name. That's my actual last name. Well, then it's not hacky. It's comedy humor, which is humor. It's a great comedy. That's good, humor, which is humor. It's great comedy.

That's good. Yeah. I really like you, man. You did a good job. I really like you. Yeah, it was fantastic. I really thought it was great. And yeah, that would be my only thing is don't bring up a notebook for your second minute of comedy in two weeks.

I just, I don't know. Right. I'm glad you could be here from taking a break from fucking your sister on Game of Thrones to be here. It's a real honor. Come on, man. The new hand looks great. Looks amazing. Looks just like a normal hand.

Bo, what do you do for fun? What's your favorite hobby other than stand-up? I skateboard. I said that last time. Oh, yeah. I don't know. That's all you got, huh, Bo? You want to look at your hand and maybe see if you have any other answers

for what you do for fun? How much pot do you smoke? Too much. I don't know. Yeah. Is that bad? Slightly too much. Hey, I'm doing the Brea Improv in in like three weeks I want you to host my shows Really?

Nice Look at that There you go I want you to host Thank you That's the kind of magic that can happen here on Kill Tony Bo Laughman There he goes

Getting a gig out of it What other show does that happen on? Kill Tony, making dreams come true. I love that. He's on Twitter at Bo.Laughman. I'm going to call him Laughman. I'm not going to fall for that Lothman shit. You want Lothman?

Go be a fucking lawyer. And now enunciate the laugh part. That's what I say. You're in comedy, own it. See? This guy goes by his real name. Put your hands together for Matthew Maloney. Oh my god. We will witness the extinction of taxis in our lifetime.

Much like the horse and carriage, there might be one or two that'll drive you through Central Park for the purpose of romantic nostalgia, but that's about it. This is what we'll be telling our grandchildren. Forty years from now, we're all going to be like, back in my day, bags at the grocery store used to be free. And there were these yellow cars that would charge us $50

just to take us across town. And I know $50 is what you kids these days would pay for a bottle of soda but this is back in 2015 before President Trump fucked it up for everyone and they're not even going to care they're going to have their Oculus Rift glasses on and they're going to be like shut the fuck up grandma

I'm trying to watch porn! Fuck yeah, that's exactly a minute. Matthew Maloney coming in for the kill. Look at that. Sorry, Bo Laffman, your spot at the Bray Improv in three weeks just got taken from you. By who seems to be the funniest giant nine-year-old baby I've ever seen in my entire life.

This is incredible. For a second, I thought you were a fortune theme star. I swear to God. Oh, fuck yeah. Yeah. Very funny. Very good. Great tits.

Yeah. They're real. They're real. They're real. Really nice. I love your style, Matthew. That was great. So, so, so fun. How long have you been on stand-up?

A little under a year. Wow. You're great. You're going to be a monster. Where are you from? Palm Springs. Fuck yeah. Okay.

Palm Springs area. I have a friend who gets really mad when I say I'm from Palm Springs. Fuck yeah. Okay. Palm Springs area. I have a friend who gets really mad when I say I'm from Palm Springs. I'm really from Bermuda Dunes, but no one knows where that is. Bermuda Dunes? Yeah. Wow. What's that like? It's like living 20 minutes away from Palm Springs.

Oh, Jesus Christ. It has a nice name. Bermuda Dunes? Is there internet? That must be dusty internet, right? What kind of lifestyle is living 20 minutes outside of Palm Springs? Obviously pretty sedentary.

A lot of air conditioning? Amazingly, you are less out of breath than the guy before who was actually closer. You did great, man. You did great last time. You continue to do... Have you been getting up a lot?

No, to be honest. Well, you're just a fucking... Can you lie to me? ...anarchy then, aren't you? I mean, I try. I'm going places. I'm trying to get up. How old are you?

24 right now. Oh, you're a baby. Yeah. Jesus. Baby. You know, I think you have a future now. Oh, you're a baby. Yeah. Jesus. Baby. You know, I think you have a future, man, because you're young and you have a commitment level

and you're weird looking. You know what I mean? Yeah, totally. If your heart holds up, you're going to have a long career. Really, really good. We can reboot Harry Potter. Yeah.

Can I ask you guys a question? Oh, shit. Here we go. Matthew Maloney loading up over here. Look out. This is the first time I've been insulted by a fucking candy apple before. I guess you're more green than a candy apple,

but fuck it. Go ahead, Matthew, sure. What is it? Well, I just want a little bit of advice because, and I'm not trying to brag about this to anybody here, really not, but I did a set here on this stage, and I was approached by a talent agent. And I have my first.

Who was it, Bobby Ball? No, it was not Bobby Ball. Who was it? Lance Kaufman, if you must know. With L of 8. I don't know. With what? L of 8.

L of 8 talent agency. Is that what it said on his license plate? Anyway, I got a meeting with my first talent agency. Is that what it said on his license plate? Anyway, I got a meeting with my first talent agency. So what do you want for advice? I don't know what to go in and ask or expect. Just tell them the truth. They're not going to be able to do anything that you can't do. I mean, just tell them that if they can get you fucking commercial auditions,

that you'll get that shit, because look at you. You can sell anything. I also would wait. Why? Because i've never i mean they're probably great but it's like yeah you know i mean right now it's like just go up on stage four to five times a week and develop and then one day they'll come to you everyone yeah okay you know everyone will come to you i guess they already are my thing my advice would be if if you're if you want to do commercial work so you can make some money and survive and get to do a lot more stand-up, then that's what I would shoot for. That's what I did.

I got a commercial agent right out of the gates and made just enough side cash. Aqua. Aqua, yeah, yeah, yeah. In fact, I think you got us the showcase. Yeah. I got you an agent, Aqua. No, seriously. The guy's my friend, and you'd be perfect.

Yeah. I'm a dream weaver. I'm a fucking dream weaver. Yeah, yeah. You're giving me a little bit of a conflicting message, but I love that. Well, because the one thing, one guy's a talent agent that does, what does he do? Specifically commercials or just in general?

What, this guy? He told me he was meeting with a commercial guy as well as his, because he's just a scout. Well, then fucking do whatever. I don't give a fuck. I'm just asking. You're giving a lot tonight. Next time a comedian offers you their agent,

just take the agent. Bobby, I'll take the agent. There you go. Bobby gives away gigs. He gives away agents. This is a real Hollywood episode. Dreams are coming true. You're going to be great, man.

Matthew, I mean, fucking look at your head. You know how they did Tiny Toons where they did the younger versions of the cartoon? If they do Lost, the Tiny Toons, right. What's your favorite snack, Matthew?

what's your favorite snack matthew what's your favorite snack goldfish wow man really quick like i get the feeling like you have a goldfish next to the bed no i'm just sponsored by them but i don't really like them that much. I see what you did there, Matthew. Thank you. Do you do improv at all? Any improv classes or anything like that? Only with my friends from high school theater. But nothing in a stage. That act out, I usually don't like act acts, but you pulled it off. But I think if you have a lot of material that has that kind of stuff in it,

you'd probably benefit from doing a couple of improv classes, you know, just because, especially if you want to get into commercials. I don't know. Yeah, it's true. I'd say take a class. There you go. Sure.

Taxis are definitely going to go extinct if people in the future are your size. What the fuck was that supposed to mean? That was really mean. That was really mean. Why don't you explain yourself? What do you mean by that? How would taxis go extinct?

They'd need to be bigger. They would need to be a larger size. Taxis would need to be... You're saying you don't think he can fit in a normal taxi. You're saying he's fat. Are you fat shaming on Kill Tony, bro? Yeah. What kind of show do you think this is, Pat? Jesus Christ.

We're trying to be constructive. A larger. You calling me fat now, bro? Wait a second. Whoa. Brian clearly doesn't want to be called fat. He's clearly wearing camouflage to hide that part of his body. Yeah, bro.

Trying to hide my nips. Okay. Matthew, you have the most likable head I've ever seen in my nips. Okay, Matthew. You have the most likable head I've ever seen in my entire life. It was so nice to meet you. Congrats on your new commercial agent, Matthew Maloney. There he goes. You ask advice about a meeting with an agent, you get an agent.

You want to get gigs? You get gigs here on Kill Tony. If I was the next comedian pulled, I would ask us, how do you get to perform at Madison Square Garden and just hope that we just give it away. You got it! Next week! Sold out! We're making

dreams come true here. This is exciting. Oh, wow! This is an interesting name to pull out of the bucket. This is the producer of this show. Every once in a great while, he signs up, and this is one of those nights. Put your hands together for Josh Martin, everybody. Here he is.

I got in an argument with a friend of mine. We got in an argument with a friend of mine. We got in an argument. If we had a video of me fucking Beyonce, and on a separate video, Jay-Z sucking my dick, which of the videos would we show our friends first? And I chose Jay-Z sucking my dick

and he said I knew it. And just called me a faggot for the next 20 minutes. It's a much better option. Jay-Z sucking your dick is fucking great. That's the king of New York sucking your dick.

You can get away with anything you want to do. You can be in court and the judge is like Josh, you didn't pay your child support. You can just say I was going to pay my child support but Jay-Z was sucking my dick.

And the judge would be okay, that makes sense. You can do whatever the fuck you want. Meow. There you go. Josh Martin with a minute. Throwing it out there. It's his first appearance on the show in a long time.

There's been a buzz throughout this entire episode, but why fix the buzz when you can just come up and perform, I guess? The mic's not making the buzz now. You're not doing one job. Might as well do the other. So I love it. The buzz has stopped.

A lot of the buzz in the room has ended after Josh is set. Josh, I've seen your material a few times. I noticed a lot of your jokes have dicks in it. Is there a reason for your... Dicks and the word faggot Yeah a lot of dicks and fags You know People make fun of me a lot And people call me a faggot all the time

So I just stay with it Stay with what I know You know dick well huh You can't really hate on that It's true I feel like I'm a Pretty dirty comic You can't really hate on that. It's true. It's true. I feel like I'm a pretty dirty comic, and I don't... It's what...

I like weird stuff. You seem to speak... I could have done my pro-slavery joke. Would I suck a dick for a Lamborghini? I don't know. What color is it? That's a Josh Martin joke. So you seem to think very highly of Jay-Z.

You would let Jay-Z suck your dick, is what you're saying. If I had a video of both of Jay-Z sucking my dick and me fucking Beyonce, I would immediately show everyone the Jay-Z video. No, but I think Tony's point is you can't have a video of it without him sucking your dick. Right.

So you're saying that you would let Jay-Z suck your dick. Is that correct? I'm saying I would. Okay, right. If he came to me, I would be like, okay. Okay, settle down. Settle down, little puppy boy. Relax. Getting hard up in here. We're going to take it one question at a time from here on out.

You ready? Would you suck Jay-Z's dick? The king of New York. Wait, no! You say it like that. I said you would! You wouldn't suck who you just called the king of New York's dick. No, because I feel like I'm better than all these hoes. Wow.

Fuck everyone. Would you let Jay-Z suck your dick if there were no video equipment in the room? Great fucking question, Greg. Great question. Because it seems to be the video is about the bragging rights, but would you...

Jay-Z does have an unbelievable set of lips on him. Am I right? Great mouth. He's got a great mouth. I don't know if you've seen those goddamn things, but it looks like it'd be

one hell of a blowjob. And he moves them fast. Oh, yeah. Super fast. Fuck yeah. I'd love to... I'd love to try some kind of simulation machine

to see exactly what that dick sucking would be like exactly. You have my wheels turning here, Josh. It's just a new brand for blood light. Normally I just like Jay-Z for his music, but now I'm starting to picture this amazing blowjob. Wait, you would watch Jay-Z suck his dick? I don't even want to be around that. I didn't say I would watch it.

You sure? I am starting to think that maybe I'd let Jay-Z suck my dick. What? Video equipment or no video equipment. I probably wouldn't do without video equipment because no one would believe me. What if Tony was in there watching and he could vouch for you? Very high. Heuristic.

Heuristic things detected around the males. Is this your robot impression? What is this, Pat? He killed a bozo. Good job, Josh. Hey, Josh, you're a friend of mine. I'm giving stuff away. Here's a 50.

Wow. That's a real $50 bill. Wow. There you go. I didn't understand a word you said in your act, but there's a 50, man. There you go. I didn't understand a word you said in your act. But there's a 50, man. There you go.

That's the first time anybody's ever been paid on Kill Tony to quit stand-up comedy. I can do shit I've been doing for a while, but I figured why not do something I wrote last week. Right, exactly. Still about those dicks and stuff, though. Have you ever tried not doing, like, dicks? My newest joke is a pro-slavery joke, and I figured that would do way worse than a Jay-Z sucking my dick.

Is there black dick in it? Like, what's it about? No, it's just that I think slavery would help me be a man because you can't be weak and own slaves because they would just run all over you. Yeah, that's... Like, having

my body and having slaves is no different than owning high school bullies. I'm getting a wedgie some kind of way. You know? Thank goodness you did the Jay-Z dick sucking material. Give me the 50 back. Wow.

Refund. Never should have done it. That's right. Because we all know slaves do not get paid. That's why you can't call it pro-slavery because they're not getting paid. It's amateur slavery. Take the fucking money, Josh. Bend over and take it.

Just like Dylan. I think you're funny. Yeah, that was great. You did another minute. You talked about getting your dick sucked by Jay-Z. That's an interesting fucking thing. But also, Josh, you're a character, you know what I mean? And it's like you're like a a character. You know what I mean? And it's like,

you're like a snowflake. You know what I mean? I mean, there's no one else out there like you, and I'm actually fond of you as a person. I think you're a cool dude, and just keep going up, and we'll see what happens. There you go. Josh Martin, everybody. There he is. The one, the only

Josh Martin. Somehow he did figure out the buzz. The buzz is gone. Josh is, of course, on Twitter at Josh Martin. Somehow he did figure out the buzz. The buzz is gone. Josh is, of course, on Twitter at Josh Martin Comedy, like we say at the end of every episode. One more round of applause, Josh. Josh Martin. The Elvis Costello of comedy.

Yes, indeed. Let's see what we got here. Okay, this looks like another new name. Put your hands together for Tommy Reynolds, everybody. Here we go. 60 seconds. That's it. There's no Tommy Reynolds. No Tommy Reynolds. Let's try another one.

Raquel Jason. Here she comes. That's a real human being. Here we comes. That's a real human being. Here we go. Hey, guys. I'm Raquel. How are you doing? It can be a little confusing to figure out what type of women men are attracted to, and I think it's because movies have lied to us.

I was just watching all the Rocky movies, and I used to think that Adrienne was a really supportive wife. Here's Adrian in every single Rocky movie. You can't win, Rock! Maybe he can. I mean, you've been wrong like two or three times at least. I just... I feel like he's earned the benefit of the doubt.

And she does that in every single Rocky except Rocky 6, because she's dead. But if you look at the DVD deleted scenes, they have a reading of Adrian's will. It's really touching. She says, oh, to my son, I leave the pet store. To my beloved husband, Rocky, I know I'll see you soon. Because if you fight this guy, he's going to kill you. You cannot win, Rock.

On the way over here, I heard a Christian rock band on the radio. I don't know if God exists, but if he does, I'm pretty sure he hates having his name attached to things that suck. There you go. A minute. Raquel Jason. This is your first time on the show, right, Raquel? Yeah, it is. How long have you been on stand-up?

About a year and a half. Where are you from? I'm from here originally, but I lived out of the country for a few years. Out in the country? No, out of the country. Out of the country. Where at? Two years in Brazil and a year traveling through Southeast Asia. Two years in Brazil. What were you doing over there? What the hell? What is happening? That wasn't Brazil. What were you doing over there? What the hell?

What is happening? That wasn't me. What? What could you possibly have done wrong? Wait, what do you mean? Oh, I thought you said it like, what the fuck were you doing there? No, I'm just trying to get the story. Is it some kind of suave dude or something?

What kept you in Brazil for two years? Yeah, there was a guy, a Brazilian I dated for a month, and then I agreed to move to Brazil with him because I've never seen a Lifetime movie apparently and it didn't end well. Wow. Where did you meet him?

I met him here in Los Angeles. Ah. You're an attractive lady, right? I just feel like... I'll go on with that. I was kidding. I'm kidding.

I'm kidding. But for comedy comedy you're attractive and the thing is that in comedy season 9 in the streets 7? what? 7's good

he's absolutely right no no no you're not going to get shit but my point is But um What I want to say is that like Whenever I see somebody that's like Attractive and a girl That's doing comedy I feel like they should

Not wear a dress And I think they should like kind of dress I don't know Tone down you know what I mean I've gotten that advice before but it it's just, it's really not what I don't want. Yeah, but it takes away from, I feel like as a man watching you, it kind of takes away from me actually 100% listening to you. I'm just trying to be honest with you because, shut the fuck up, dude.

I've dated many girls in comedy and some attractive ones and I just feel like it I've had some open for me and it's better when they're just like Whitney, kind of like baggy jeans and a t-shirt That's it, that's fine Raquel

Do you always dress up when you do stand-up? I always dress up anyway. I was just raised to wear dresses. My dad was very, I was raised to be very feminine. Have you thought about like a burka just to make Bobby comfortable? All right, I mean, it's just an angle, the unknown comic, the ultimate.

Raquel, when you were in Brazil were you trying any stand up there what made you want to get into it I don't speak Portuguese and they don't really have a sense of humor over there so much and that's what I miss the American sense of humor so I watched a lot of stand up videos and I've seen a lot of stand up here

it was kind of a pipe dream like oh when I go back to Los Angeles I'm going to try it you seem like such a nice person. I'm actually not that nice. Really? Oh, yeah. When are you not nice? Like, what's the meanest thing you've done recently?

You blown up on anyone? Anything like that? Oh, goodness, no. I can't. So are you nice or are you not nice? You just said goodness. I lied to you just now. About what?

Being nice, not being nice. So you are nice? You are nice. Yeah, I guess I'm not that nice. You are nice. Wow. Would you do reality TV? Wow. I like that.

Good answer. Yeah, what was it like? Good question. I mean, they're not a third world country. What was your daily life like? I hate Brazil. I live in Sao Paulo. No, desculpe. I don't speak Portuguese. What? She just Brazil. I lived in Sao Paulo. No, desculpe. I don't know how to speak Portuguese.

What? She just said she doesn't speak Portuguese in Portuguese. Yeah, I had to learn how to say that. No, it's horrible there. It's awful. They have the best PR ever because they export all the attractive people to Victoria's Secret, which they don't even have over there. And they don't have hot water and regular, only in the shower.

They don't have mops. They don't have sour cream or cheddar cheese. It's awful. A lot of fake butts there, though, right? And the plastic surgery is horrible. Yeah, but it's cheap. It's like a shark attack. A student showed me her breast implant scar,

and I was like, oh, my God. Your student? Yeah, oh, I owned an English school. An English school? Yeah, as a teacher. For one month. No, for two years. I lived there for two years.

You owned it? Yes, as a teacher. For one month. No, for two years. I lived there for two years. You owned it? Yes. That's amazing. Thanks. Other than stand-up comedy, what do you like to do for fun? Like, what's a fun hobby? Like, frisbee golf or, you know?

I'm actually really, really dull. I like board games, and I like PS3. I play a lot of PS3. Fuck yeah. You don't smoke or, you know? I'm actually really, really dull. I like board games and I like PS3. I play a lot of PS3. Fuck yeah. You don't smoke weed, do you? No, I do not. What game do you play? My favorite are probably the Bioshocks or...

Ooh. Oh my God, I just got half hard. Yeah. Fallout? Thank you. Fallout? Fallout. Fallout.

Fallout's coming out. Wow. What kind of fucking nerdy clips was that that I just witnessed right there? Holy shit. So, Raquel, how often do you do stand-up? Do you get up a lot? Yeah, I do. I mean, I had a little month.

I fell in love for a few months. Have you ever dated a comedian before? I'm dating one now, yeah. Oh, what's his name? Jose. Jose what? Treviso. I'm a big fan of his work.

Yeah, me too. I've had chorizo a few times, and it's fucking delicious. So you have a particular kind of guy, right? Yeah. You like south of the border? Well, yeah. Have you ever dated an Asian person? I went on one date with an Asian guy once.

One time. What happened? It didn't work out. Oh. Really? What happened? I lived in Thailand for a while. Ooh.

Ah, is that where you went on the date with the Asian guy? In Thailand? No, because I was still with the Brazilian then. Oh, okay. So what did you do on this date with the Asian guy? Are you sure you just didn't eat by yourself at a hibachi grill or something like that?

Are we calling that a date? I love it. You're so quick. Oh, thanks, Raquel. No, really. I had to do that. I had seen his stand-up and he does this fantastic joke about this guy with the eye patch. Okay, thank you. Raquel, Raquel, Raquel.

I know. It's my show. It's all good. Settle down. I just wanted to say that when I had run into that guy with an eye patch at the roller rink, and he immediately, he was like, oh, diversity, the sticker. And I'm like, oh, you're against diversity? And he said, oh, one of those types molested me when I was a kid.

And I'm like, I'm just getting my ticket. But I was like, is that the same guy with the eye patch? And I was so excited to tell you. Probably not. Did you tell me about this? I did tell you, yeah. Wow, I do not remember that. Tony, you're just so used to hot blonde chicks coming up and talking to you.

You know, it's just another day for me. Too bad she doesn't date white guys. Right, exactly. So I'm guessing when you were in Brazil, the only movie that they would play is Rocky because you have a pretty good... Yeah, and then you segued into a Christian rock joke. What else? Is all of your things rock-based?

I think that's six out of six rocks. That fucking buzz is killing me tonight. What is that coming from? Josh, have you given up completely? Okay. Raquel, tell us something crazy about you, other than the fact that you play video games and you're boring.

Tell us something else. Is there anything interesting about you? Are you ticklish? Not terribly. I was raised by my father, so I didn't have any female influence around. What nationality was your father? He's a lot of stuff. They're really big on genealogy on my dad's side of the family.

They're kind of snooty about it. So it's Scottish, Irish, Polish, German, English, Dutch, Native American, Scandinavian, Lithuanian, and French. So it's called a mutt. Wow. Everybody. Everybody. Sally sells sea shells. Wow.

Yeah, all right. Thank you for being so nice. Oh, of course. It was really nice. Yeah, I'm glad to help you out. I'm going to... I think that Rocky joke's really funny. I never really thought of it that way.

I think that even though it's an older reference, I think it still works, that it's great. My only note for you would be to tag that Christian rock joke, spread it out. I know you only had a minute, but also I would really stick with Bobby's note. We've gone through this over the show a thousand times, that it is distracting when you're pretty,

and you watch any of the... We work with all the best female... I didn't tell you that because I don't know shit. Right. I told you that because... I'm sorry, my bad. My bad, my bad. I'm so sorry. We work with all the best female stand-ups in the world.

And you see Whitney, and you see Amy Schumer, and you see Natasha Leggero, and they're wearing hoodies and jeans. And they're special. Right. I'm not yelling. That's how I talk. That's how I talk.

That's how I talk but speaking of special Bobby Lee is giving you a one hour special Raquel Jason everybody she's not on Twitter she doesn't have a Twitter handle so you perverts on the internet that's all you're gonna see

of Raquel look at Josh Martin try to pretend like he's doing something. Oh, he's switching the chords. Wait a second. You know how this makes sense? Because he's going to plug in that chord over there, so it's just going to do it over there now.

So then it'll be constant instead of sometimes. Let's turn him back up, see what we got. Josh Martin, the moment of truth. Josh, you want to give it a mic check? Give the stage mic a mic check? Yeah, not working. What do we got? Okay.

Here you go, Josh. Just keep fucking working until it works, Josh. You're doing a hell of a job, buddy. Great stuff, really. Hey, why don't you do one of your dick jokes again? It works. It was working, buddy. Great stuff. Really. Hey, why don't you do one of your dick jokes again? It works. It works. It was working. All right. Now we're going back to the buzz. It's so quiet. Why is that so quiet?

I'll turn it up. I'll turn it up. Guys, unbelievable. I love it. Yeah. Okay. You're killing Tony. You're killing me Tony we know this guy this is an employee here at the comedy store this is his first time

signing up for this show in a very long time this is one of the guys that got hired to work here out of the original Kill Tony crop one of the original guys to do the show two years ago put your hands together for him here he is Rich Slayton, everybody. I've seen a lot of different people tonight.

Strange humans, and now you get me. A guy who looks like he ate his way out of competitive skateboarding. How are you guys doing? Good to see you. I'm excited for Hillary Clinton. I'm going to vote for Hillary because I think she's really you. I'm excited for Hillary Clinton. I'm going to vote for Hillary because I think she's really amazing. I think it's impressive how just one woman can look so much like George Washington. That's an accurate joke about how she looks.

I actually met her husband once, President Bill Clinton. I got to ask him one question. So here's what I asked him. I asked him, because of their age and their marital problems, I asked him if he can still get Hillary to come. That was my question. And his answer was very presidential. He looks me right in the eye and he says,

Son, it's easy. Just turn the lights down low, put on your sexiest outfit, and say, Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice. Some people like Bernie Sanders. I think he looks like he lost a fight to a desert wind, so not really my guy. Multiple cats on that one. Rich, spitting out some of that new

political humor, huh? Yeah, a lot of dick jokes tonight. I like that. So, how are things going? Going alright. I had to pay for parking tonight. I like that. So how are things going? Going all right. I had to pay for parking tonight. That sucked. What?

Yeah, Kings was full. So that's two hours down the drain. Yeehaw, guys. Two hours worth of work for parking, guys. Yeah, you're working right now, right? You're on the clock here at the Comedy Store. What exactly are you doing? I'm sitting back there and that.

Your job is to watch this room or something? Make sure no one gets crazy. Really? Maybe that's been the problem with tonight's show. People making sure shit doesn't get too crazy. I thought I heard somebody back there shushing the audience. So you just got back from Texas, right? Did you do a lot of comedy in Texas?

Where were you? I haven't been to Texas in a while. Where were you? You were somewhere, right? Who were you talking to? You're out of town somewhere for a while, right? I'm out of town. I do shitty casinos a lot.

How is that life, casino life? It's really awful. I had to play behind a bar on the casino floor. So yeah, that's fun. Is there anything positive going on right now for you? In the world? Like in all of your life? I have a puppy.

There you go. Is that a wedding ring? Yeah, I'm married. You're married. Three years you've been married. How old are you? 31. 31, and you've been married for three years.

Doing stand-up the whole time. Does your wife have a steady job? Oh, yeah, she's a regular person. Okay. Yeah, this doesn the whole time. Does your wife have a steady job? She's a regular person. That helps. Why does she like you? She's Jewish? Rich is a mensch. Rich helped me with relationship advice.

He helped me to break up with my girlfriend. No one else should get married. I got the good one. You guys are all fucked. Right. You say she's regular and that she likes you. Your reason, I said, why does she like you and you said because she's Jewish or you're Jewish? We're both Jews.

So that's it. Yeah, that's all you need. That's just how that works. Wow. It's pretty easy. Being blonde haired, six feet tall, and Jewish makes it kind of easy. So you're like a rare Jew or something. Wow. It's pretty easy. Being blonde-haired, six feet tall, and Jewish makes it kind of easy. Oh, so you're like a rare Jew or something. Yeah, yeah. I think they call them survivors. Great Fitzsimmons, guys. Rich, so

how's that going? Three years in, you guys still having sex? Yeah, occasionally. Occasionally? She's Jewish. Were you guys ever having sex? That's a great question. Jewish girls love sex. Oh, I married one. They're fucking great. They're crazy. Yeah.

They don't have the shame, I find, you know, with the Irish Catholics where they have to turn the lights out. Jews will turn the lights on, suck it, look you right in the eyes. It's a myth that you have sex. God commands you to have sex. Twice on Saturday sex. Really?

Twice on Saturdays. Really? I'm not that good of a Jew. Do you spread that out or do you go back to back? I used to go back to back at 31. Back in the day. So what does she do for a living?

She works at a non-profit. So do you. You work here. I'm a Jewish non-profit, guys. How are you doing? What's the non-profit that she works for? It's called American Jewish Committee, and they lobby other foreign governments on anti-Semitism issues.

Oh, boy. Keeping that thing going, huh? Yeah. It's a big industry. Is it? Is it really still happening? We just donate to each other a lot. That's how Judaism works. Yeah, I think so. I've noticed that.

So, Rich, you're three years into stand-up, right? No, seven. Seven years into stand-up. Yeah, thanks. That worked out well. And the Comedy Store has assigned you to keep an eye on the belly room on Monday night. It's really dangerous in here. You guys are all fucking up a lot.

So here I am. Right. Okay. I want to say something. Yes, Bob. I really like you a lot, dude. But I don't want to lie to you because you're such a nice guy. I mean, you're a white dude.

You know what I mean? You're just, you know what I mean? You have this average-y kind of vibe about you. I just feel like the material needs to be a little bit more edgy. And it's got to be, you know what I mean? You have this average-y kind of vibe about you. I just feel like the material needs to be a little bit more edgy and it's got to be, you know what I mean? I agree. I tried to switch it up tonight.

Because I haven't really seen you but the thing is that it's like I want you to succeed but from what I saw it's just like, you know what I mean? There's a million of you. It's true. Tonight you had all the flavor of a glass of water. I thought you did great.

I think you're amazing. Thank you very much. Yeah, I've been doing quite a lot. I don't even get your sarcasm. I'm trying to not do that. I don't know that. I'm trying to get away from it a little bit. Because you're confident.

You can tell that you've been doing it for a while that's all do you and your wife ever argue about things? do you guys ever fight? no it's very easy going that's why I married her there's no problems that seems like a perfect thing

it's hard to do this and be married so you have to get someone who actually is cool with it doesn't want to stop you that's why none of you should get married, so you have to get someone who actually is cool with it and doesn't want to stop you. Right. That's why none of you should get married, because most people want to stop you. Rich, thank you so much. We've had two Comedy Store employees up on this show, for those of you keeping track.

And they really pumped the brakes on the momentum, the adrenaline of everything. The Comedy Store really representing. It's the away teams that are winning here today, for those of you keeping track. By the way, did somebody order a platter of bacon about four minutes ago? Do you smell it?

Do you smell it? I smell bacon. I don't smell it. Y'all smell chicken. Oh, well, at the comedy store, the chicken smells like bacon. This is a new name for sure. Put your hands together for Madison Sinclair.

Thank you. So the last guy I had sex with was really commanding in bed. And it was weird because I kept thinking it was like having sex with a game Bop It. You know, just like pull it, twist it, aim it away from my face. And if you don't get that joke, either you're not a kid of the 90s, or your parents loved you way too much to buy you a toy that's shaped like a dick,

command you to pull it. And then when you get all the buttons right, it goes, wah-wah, sleep mode. I have a few tattoos, and my grandma found out about them last Christmas. She was really pissed off. She was like, Madison, I hope you know that you can't get buried in the Jewish cemetery anymore.

Which is weird, because no one in our family is Jewish. Literally at Christmas dinner. It's really off-putting. I saw a guy with a shirt that said fishing and titties. And it was weird because you kind of catch fish and titties the same way. All right, follow me on this one. Every time a guy is trying to get with me, it's just like,

oh, backstay cows. Okay. Is that it? You can finish it. Go ahead. Can I finish it? All right. And we just

basically, we just try to get the bait and get away. And if the bait's good enough, next thing you know, we're flopping up and down, the hook's in the mouth, and if we're lucky, he'll take us home. Alright, the bear's coming out. The bear's coming out.

Madison Sinclair. This is your first time on the show, right? How long have you been doing comedy? A year. Oh, a year, okay. Where are you from? I'm from Orlando. Orlando, Florida.

Wow. Interesting. How long ago did you move here? A month ago. Okay. Did you ever play the improv there in Orlando? No, I didn't. I mostly performed in Tallahassee because I went to FSU. Okay. Did you ever play the improv there in Orlando? No, I didn't. I mostly performed in Tallahassee because I went to FSU.

Okay. But, yeah, I did some of the bars around there. Did you ever work at a theme park? No, I've never worked at a theme park. Yeah, you don't look like you would work in a theme park. No, I mean, you look kind of almost gothy a little bit. A little bit? I look like I hate my parents?

Well, not that you hate them but that they they might hate you right right yeah you there's something very hot topic about you so Madison you've been doing stand-up for a year you did it mostly in Tallahassee at FSU, and now you've been here a month. How's L.A. treating you? It's been alright. I moved out of my job, so I've been busy for that. What's that job? I work at The Soup. The Soup? The show?

Yes. What do you do there? Watch TV and just write jokes. Oh, that's cool. So you're a writer on The Soup? Well, it's weird. It's kind of like an internship internship because I get credit for school, but I get paid and I get to put material on there.

So I'm good. So they've used your material on the show? Yes. Oh, cool. You have to be careful because that's in direct violation of the Writers Guild. Thanks for coming, everybody. Will they come back to you on that? That is true.

No, you can't. Yeah, you're not allowed to accept written material from somebody who's not in the guild if it's a guild show. I believe it's a guild show, right? I'm in a program here in D.C. Yeah, but it's still wrong. What's your official

job title there, Indy? It's called Campus to Queers here in D.C. It's a program that they have. So they're paying you money, and you're getting college credit, and you're getting jokes on the air, on the soup. Who's hosting that now? Still Joel. Really?

Yeah. Wow. I thought he was done with that. Nope. Interesting. Did you guys get the Bop It reference? I mean – Oh, yeah.

I got the Bop It reference. I used to Bop It. I liked how you explained it, too, because at first I was like, oh, shit, if no one knows what the Bop it is, no one's going to get it. You did a pretty good idea of it. Flick it. Did you say flick it? I didn't do flick it.

Yeah. You have a wide stance. You have a wide stance like an umpire. Childbirthing hips. Balls and strikes. No, I like that. It's kind of different. I think it's always good to do something different on stage physically.

So you came up, and for people that are listening, she spread her legs. No, really, it's just something that you go, all right, that's kind of confident and different. I like that. You think I'm being sarcastic, but I'm being very serious. No, even that thing I just said, serious. Also, you did something that you were moving forward instead of back. Like, sometimes when people are new, they kind of drift backwards. But you held your ground and you were forward.

The only thing I want to say is that you're an attractive young lady. Oh, boy. This is how they're fucking supposed to... You're supposed to dress like that, okay? Shut the fuck up. I'm kidding. I love you. The sexual stuff, you're in, but it's like

you don't... Just start writing stuff that has nothing to do with that. What was your second joke? It's just funny because it's like... Wait, Greg. Greg, what are you laughing about? I don't know if he's saying this

for the benefit of her career or so that he can focus. All these comments seem to be like, I'm getting distracted by this. Could you get ace bandages and pack them down before you perform? So the second joke, you did bop it and then you went into what?

It's about tattoos. It's actually a true story. My grandma found out about my tattoos in the first sentence. You can't get buried in a Jewish cemetery. What nationality are you? That's what I was asking. You said your whole house wasn't Jewish. I was kind of confused with the end of that joke. I didn't understand what you were saying.

So one of my family is Christian, but on my mom's side, I think it's European. I know there's Cherokee and Irish, I think. I feel like I don't really identify. I think the punchline is just that we're not Jewish. Yeah. Just tighter, yeah. Three words.

Is there a way to change that? You say we're not Jewish. You say we're not Jewish. Yeah. Yeah, because you said everyone in the house, and you said something like the dinner, you had a dinner, and I was like, wait, I'm totally lost now what you're talking about. Okay.

Maybe just cut the fat from that. Well, we were at Christmas dinner. Madison, what do you do for fun when you're not doing stand-up? What are you into? What's something interesting about you? I like to write. I can play ukulele. Really?

Ukulele? Yeah. What made you learn that? It's easier than guitar and I'm really bad at guitar so what can you play on the ukulele I love playing sad songs on the ukulele it's my favorite thing in the world

I can picture that well it's just such a contrast because the ukulele is like the happiest sounding instrument in the world you ever see the movie The Jerk a lot of sad ukulele in that check it out. Arctic monkeys, mostly. Fuck yeah.

So you play the ukulele. That's pretty much the most interesting thing other than you do stand-up about you. Don't put me on the spot like that. It's not that big of a spot to be put on to be asked what you like to do in life. Oh, yeah, you're asking me what's interesting about me as a person. Yeah, I play ukulele. Did you buy that watch yourself, or was it a gift?

It was a gift for my birthday. Why? It's a little, yeah, and it's backwards. They were calling out the Hot Topic. When everyone was saying the Hot Topic thing, I was just seeing the watch. I was like, that's not like Hot Topic. We're gothic. It's not. It's still East Coast're gothic it's not how many times a week to go up yeah I may go up on stage

amazing good how many that's good that's So you're working all day, every day, and then you're going out every night doing stand-up? Yeah. Wow. So you don't have much of a social life. No. That is yourself. That's great.

That's great. There she goes, Madison Sinclair, everybody. Nice to meet you. Thank you, Madison. Does she have a Twitter? She's on Twitter at Madded Sinclair. Put your hands together for your next comedian. Vanessa Johnston, everybody. Vanessa Johnston.

Here we go. Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. What? No, that's great. You're welcome. I just broke up with my girlfriend. Thank you. It was a mutual termination she's a rape victim and I'm sexually aggressive

so it just didn't work out and I felt bad though because thankfully I've never been raped where the guy did not make sure that I came first so they've always been raped where the guy did not make sure that I came first. So they've always been, like, so nice to me. Like, they make me the best wet martinis.

We're hip and all with, like, a dash of plan B. So thoughtful. I've always been, like, pretty good at sex. When I was 13, my parents sat me down. They're like, hey, it's time we talk about sex. And I was like, sure. What do you want to know? That was a minute, right? That's 47 seconds, but if you want to end it now,

we can. There she is. Vanessa Johnston, everyone. Vanessa, this is your first time on the show, right? Wow. Where are you right? Yeah. Wow. Where are you from? Minnesota. How long have you been in L.A.? Five years. How long have you been doing stand-up?

Four months. Wow. Wow. Very funny for four months. Thank you. What else do you do? Like for work or for fun? Both.

I work at HBO for work. What do you do there? I worked in programming for a bit, and now I work in business and legal affairs. So I do like contract negotiation and like drafting. But I'm leaving and going to like a smaller company. Right. I used to live in Minnesota. Did you really? Yeah.

Why? I did. Edina. When I was a baby. That's where I grew up. Yeah. Holy shit. You guys have something in common. For those of you listening, Bobby's just happy because she's wearing a Mickey Mouse T-shirt. Nothing sexual about it.

I really think that you're really edgy, and obviously you're attractive, but you're very edgy, and I just like her whole vibe. Yeah, it is good. Yeah, it was really good. I liked it. Thank you.

Yeah. Yeah, it was good because. I liked it. Thank you. Yeah. Yeah, it was good because it is, well, you know, it is weird because I'm not in agreement with you guys about how women dress on stage. I think that, you know, I think that Schumer dresses sexy. Natasha can dress sexy. So I don't know. But not when they're doing like local shows. No, Natasha always dresses.

Yeah, she wears skirts all the time. Locally. It's definitely harder because I've experimented with both. And I think that it's a lot easier for a crowd to be alienated from you if you dress up more. But what if a guy dresses up? But that's different. What are you going to wear? If you came up here in short shorts, that would definitely

make you look like Muslim people. Same thing. Greg, I love watching you absorb that for a second. You're like, I think I can pull off some short shorts. I don't know what a sexy guy looks like because I'm so fucking straight. It just seems like you should dress how you dress

however you feel comfortable. I love that. You got the women howling at that one. It's true. Well, they're whores. Be yourself. Equality for everybody. That's the era that we live in now.

They're making an all-female Ghostbusters. Did you know this, Greg? Right. Yeah. But when a woman's dressed sexy, right, though, the people like girls and also boys feel, I call them girls and boys, they feel defensive almost, though, right?

Like, why would you need that extra thing when stand-up is hard enough? Well, because you're looking at it through the lens of a man and how he perceives it rather than somebody going on stage and being themselves as much as they can be. And if part of themselves wants to feel sexy by looking

sexy then I think you're creatively stopping them by saying they shouldn't dress that way so you've been doing a really good point four months you have an incredible stage presence you already have jokes how much material would you say that you've compiled in four months how much material that you like like how long of a set do

you think you could do? Like I've done like seven 10 minute sets. I go up probably about 10 times a week. Wow. Okay. And I write during the day. What part of LA do you live in? Like Beverly Hills, but not the rich part,

like the below San Juan. Oh yeah. Below San Juan, like what are your cross streets? The rundown. What are you doing? What? What's you doing? What? What's wrong, everybody? What did I do? By the way, how funny is it that like she's been doing it four months.

She goes up ten times a week. You know how many fucking overweight chick comics go up like once a month? Yeah. No offense, but people like to have you on their stage. Yeah. I mean, I do open mic. I go to like Marty's and like. Right. I mean, I do open mic. I go to Marty's and like... Right.

But ten times a week is a lot. I mean, not really. You're doing two shows, five days a week. But no, my point is it's hard to get on the stage. It's hard to get asked. You had a great set tonight. Bobby, are you going to give her anything or what? Yeah, I got something.

Uh-oh. I got something. It's a fortune cookie. Here's a 20. That's all I have. Take the fucking 20! Take the money. There she goes.

Great job, Vanessa. Nice to meet you. Vanessa B. Johnson. Vanessa B. Johnson. Bobby Lee has run out of money in his pocket. We're going to move to our final part of the show where every week we have one regular right now. One regular. We had two regulars and then we were told people

under 21 aren't allowed to go up anymore so we had to lose a regular. That's the great Allie Makovsky. Rest in peace. We killed her after we found out she could no longer perform on the show. We just said, fuck it. If you're not going to be on the show, let's just end your life completely. But we do have our one regular

who's been writing and performing a new minute every single week. Has a lot of buzz right now. It's always fun to watch her grow. She was deathly nervous her first few times on the show. We're getting to watch somebody really defeat stage fright, and it's very exciting. And here she is.

She writes a brand-new minute and performs it every single week. Put your hands together for Melissa Esslinger. Thank you. Just looking for some confidence. Just looking for some confidence I don't like people that I don't trust people that have plastic surgery Because obviously they can't keep it real I recently found out I'm an asshole

Because I met my Mexican neighbor And when he said his name was Jose, my voice in my head said, of course. I was wondering the other day if when redheads go to the bathroom, if they pee or just make ginger ale. I can't raise my hand because it's shaking. There you go. Saved by the cat. Wow. That ginger ale joke really got me somewhere special. Yeah.

The cringe that you made after that was perhaps the funniest thing I've seen all night. Unbelievable. Very fun. You're breaking those. Is that buzz? Okay. Step a little forward. I think it's when you're in the back.

Grab the mic. There you go. Sure. Wow. I think it's when you're in the back. Grab the mic. There you go. Sure. Wow. I think it's a grounding issue. Melissa, very fun. It's incredible to watch you break some habits that she had just as short of like two or three weeks ago,

apologizing when jokes didn't work throughout the set and sort of being a little bit too, you know, sort of hyper aware and not really plowing forward. You're starting to stay in the pocket more. And even though you, and even now when you do show that you're disappointed in a joke, now you're getting laughs off of it. You know what I mean? Instead of it stalling out and being weird. So how's it going? You're writing a new minute every week. How do you, we did a show together and I actually heard some of the audience's feedback from the show. You did seven minutes at the Hollywood Improv, a real show, and they thought you were adorable. And you were, I guess, near the end, a full-on Michael J. Fox,

like shaking like crazy. But you did great. They said you did great I had two people come up to me tonight Before this show started That said that they've seen you in the past week And that you're so much stronger than you were even a month ago So that's so cool

So you've been doing it only for a month? I've been doing stand up for about five months Five months And you shake a lot right? Is that because of nerves? Yeah You know what that's going to correct that is failing You know what I mean? So correct that is? Failing.

So it's like what I did in my first couple. I still fail. It's to go out and put yourself in really fucked up situations where you're going to bomb regardless. Because that will get over the shakes. Because once you reach the nightmare, you begin to learn to live with the nightmare and then your body gets used to the nightmare and then all of a sudden now you're normal you know i mean because you're like your jokes are really good i mean obviously you're a good joke writer right but you're just

really nervous you know i mean so just go up and it doesn't matter who gives a fuck what they think yeah okay greg fitzsimmons this is your first time seeing melissa slinger right yeah, I loved her. I thought your jokes were funny, and I liked that you acknowledged that your hand was shaking because it was something that people noticed. And I think if you hadn't acknowledged it, it would have just made people wonder, you know, you're thinking then about it. That's another thing that was notes from about a month ago, you know, the things that she wasn't acknowledging. about a month ago, you know, the things that she wasn't acknowledging, and now she's acknowledging that,

not apologizing, breaking those like, level one habits, that I see so many people on this show, have in their first few months, and that's what's exciting, about having you be a regular, is I think it's really exciting, for people at home,

to get to watch, somebody actually grow, I don't think there's ever been a show, where you get to watch somebody, go from being a shaking mess, to a great comedian, so thank you Melissa Esslinger, you did it again, another brand new minute comedian. So thank you, Melissa Esslinger. You did it again. Another brand new minute. Follow her

on Twitter at Melissa Esslinger. Guys, Ryan J. Ebel, drew a picture. Get your ass up here, Ryan J. Ebel. There it is. Look at that. Look at that. Get his artwork at RyanJEbel.com. All of these prints are up right now. He draws every single episode.

Pat Reagan is Patty Reagan on Twitter. Josh Martin, comic. Melissa Esslinger. Bobby Lee's new podcast is Tiger Belly. You can find it on iTunes. Greg Fitzsimmons on Howard 100. Howard, welcome. Fitz Dog Radio is a podcast.

Check that out, everybody. There you go. Fitz Dog Radio. Greg Fitzsimmons. Live audience, thank you so much. That's Bill Toney. Thank you. Thank you. That's what it's gonna make, bacon pancakes Bacon pancakes, making bacon pancakes Take some bacon and I'll put it in a pancake

Bacon pancakes, that's what it's gonna make Bacon pancakes Bacon pancakes, making bacon pancakes Take some bacon and I'll put it in a pancake Bacon pancakes, that's what it's gonna make Take a big deep step