KILL TONY - KILL TONY #127

Episode Date: November 12, 2015

Joe Rogan, Ian Edwards, Melissa Eslinger, Tony Hinchcliffe, Pat Regan, Josh Martin, Brian Redban - Date: 11/02/2015 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony. Don't forget to subscribe to Kill Tony on iTunes. Just search for Kill Tony and hit subscribe. You can also subscribe to everything we do at Death Squad by just subscribing to Death Squad. That will also include Kill Tony, Verbal Violence, and the Ice House Chronicles, and all the other podcasts we do here at Death Squad. Also, check out shopsquad.tv. There you have all the official merchandise

Of the Death Squad universe Including three Three new Death Squad shirts Including Taco Cat Which is a brand new one That just came out this week Also go to TonyHinchcliffe.com For all his tour dates

And merch and information And don't forget that Kill Tony is recorded live Every Monday at the Comedy Store. It's a free show. It's in the Belly Room. And every Tuesday, we have Verbal Violence in the Belly Room. And every Friday, we have the Ice House Comedy Show. It's the Death Squad show there. We do it every Friday. Me and Kill Tony are going on the road We are bringing Kill Tony finally to Pittsburgh and Ohio Pittsburgh, it's going to be November 27th

That's a Friday night at 8 o'clock Followed by a Death Squad comedy show And then Sunday, November 29th We are going to be in Columbus, Ohio at Woodlands Tavern And that starts at 7 o'clock Followed by a comedy show at 9 o'clock. You can go get tickets by going to ShopSquad or going to DeathSquad.tv and clicking on tour dates. All right, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Hey, this is Red Band coming to you live from the Royal Famous Comedy Store for a brand new episode of Kill Tony Volume 3. Give it up for Tony Hinchcliffe. Fuck yeah. Here we are, everybody. We did it again.

A rainy Monday night in Los Angeles. Give yourselves a hand for coming out, everybody. Come on. Only a show this crazy can we have this much fun on a Monday, right? Yeah. Hello to the thousands and thousands on Ustream. Hello to the live audience. Keep it going for Pat Reagan, everybody.

You just heard him singing the tunes. Wasn't ready for you to get off, Pat. He knows who he wants to take him home how you doing pat good man good you just got back to traveling right yeah i went to boston saw my parents got yelled at it's good i love that what did they yell at you for not waking up early enough oh where were you sleeping the? No, just like a creepy old bedroom with my grandma's old shit in it. Whoa. Is she dead? Yeah. Wow. Like white lace bed sheets.

Oh, fuck. That had to get creepy, huh? Yeah. Are you like me? Do you sometimes just lay in bed and stare at shit until you scared fall asleep? That's what I've always done since I was a kid. i've always fallen asleep scared i don't know if i don't know if that has something to do with how i've turned out or anything but

every night and then it actually got pretty good a few months ago and then i watched this movie called baba duke oh my god wow i i i watch a lot of movies and I wasn't expecting it to be that scary and I specifically remember I had to travel the next day so I had like a 6am or a 7am flight and I watched it at like 1am to 3am and I did not get any sleep that night at all

it was even more different than the usual scaredness I was like really staring at my door and then the windows and then everything. That movie will fuck with you, man. Stay away from the Babadook. Stick with Kill Tony. Have you seen this movie, Brian? No, what is it about? It's going to scare the shit out of you.

Babadook. You know what it does? You know what the Babadook does that other scary movies really don't do? It just shows you that perspective. It just makes you look at nothing. You're just staring down a hallway and nothing's happening until something happens so it's so many movies nowadays like i've seen a couple lately in the theater that are supposed to be thrillers and scary and they make you look down the hallway and nothing happens and that's like their cool alt twist to the scary movie it's like no give me a fucking monster. Give me Babadook.

So is it all just like shock stuff? Is there any plot to it at all? It's great. Or is it just like really loud noises? It's a super plot. It's a, it's a, their mom and a son are hanging out and she reads him a scary story called Babadook and the shit in the middle of the story, it's just like, and then it kills the little kid and she's like, what the fuck?

While she's reading it. But then the Babadook is there. It's there. Maybe. I don't know. No spoilers here on Kill Tony. Maybe I'm fucking with you, and there's nothing down the hallway this whole movie, but you're waiting for it because of the hype, because I threw some money into Babadook.

I threw five on it. All right, guys. Any relation to Marma? Marmaduke no very funny though Brian put his finger over the pistol button he had his finger over the pistol button for that just in case he thought it wasn't going to get a laugh

motherfucker people like a good Marmaduke joke once in a while I've never heard too many Marmaduke jokes when you don't know the movie you saying Barbaduke or whatever it is? Aladuke. Babaduke.

It's so confusing. Like Alibaba and then Duke. Like, shit. Yeah. No idea what it is. It's so confusing. That's the tagline of the movie. It's Babaduke.

Alibaba. Welcome to our new movie review podcast, guys. We get a live audience in here to review new scary movies. Babadook is like the only one worth watching, so there you go. That's my gift to you guys for coming out on a Monday night. Strangers. A movie that will fucking scare

you to the soul. Anyway. Guys, welcome to Kill Tony episode 127. Ryan J. Ebelt is here, the house artist. Look at him. Look at him. He's got a blank sheet of paper. He's already chipping away at tonight's episode. You'll see at the end of the episode, he's going to draw the whole thing. We got Pat Reagan, we got Brian Redband, and everything is good. You guys ready to start the show or what? We are going to bring up one half of our secret guests tonight.

He is one of the funniest comedians in the world, one of the most brilliant writers. His work has been on Black-ish and Comedy Central and HBO. He's one of the funniest people. I'm lucky enough to work with him a lot. Put your hands together for the great Ian Edwards, everybody. Ian Edwards. The great.

The fabulous. The man, the myth. Ian Edwards is back on the show. Your other secret guest is on his way. He's just going to walk in at any point and that's going to be great. His name's Pat Reagan. Hello.

Hello, Pat. Now that's right. Now I remember. You guys had a little rivalry last time. It wasn't much of a rivalry. Rivalry is when the other person challenges you. It wasn't much of a rivalry. Rivalry is when the other person challenges you. Shots fired.

Pat, how do you feel about Ian Edwards being back? Do you have any hostile feelings since the last episode? Feel good. I feel all right. There you go. He's trying to kill you with kindness. It's not going to work. I love it. It's not going to work. I love it.

It looks a little nervous. I was getting used to the format of the show a little bit. And I was taking a bad way with comedians. Oh, you were? Yeah. Every week, comedians were like, fuck this guy. Oh, yeah? Yeah. Oh, so I was doing something normal.

Yeah. Yeah. All right right it's so amazing how people that don't even watch the show come on and just instantly hate pat he was he was trying to be weird that weird dude that makes you feel uncomfortable i was like fuck that he is weird i have people feel uncomfortable my mom tells me that comedy makes people feel uncomfortable yeah and you're it. And your music. Yeah. Don't forget about that.

Yeah. I love it, though. And your life. I like being weird. I like it, though. With those glasses, you sort of look like a weird Al Madrigal. It's hilarious. That's a real inside comedy reference.

Funny as fuck, though. You can recognize anybody who knew Al Madrigal because they just went, You know what it is? I don't completely believe you're weird. but you can recognize anybody who knew Al Magical because they just went, ah! You know what it is? I don't completely believe you're weird. I believe I'm weird. I don't believe the authenticity of your weirdness. People have told me I'm weird almost every day my entire life.

Eh, who are these people? Sounds like they might be weird. Why would that many people talk to a real weird person? Yeah. You usually stay away from a weird person. Who walks up to a weird person and say you're weird? You know you're weird when people avoid you.

That happens. People are telling you you're weird. You're normal, motherfucker. That's all I'm saying. Speaking of weird, before you got on here, I was talking about a scary movie I saw recently called The Babadook. Have you seen this movie? No, I never heard of it, man.

Do you watch any scary movies? Yeah, yeah. If I'm with a girl, it's a good thing to do. Ah, I see. They jump into your arms. The movie does the work for you. They don't jump into your arms. The movie sucks.

That's how I rate horror movies. Were you guys in anything for Halloween? Yeah, that was me. Yeah? I was lazy. I didn't even go out. Yeah. I stayed in.

I think a lot of us stayed in this year. You stayed in? Yeah, me too. You did? Yeah. That's shocking. Did you? Yeah, I played cards with my parents and wore a Jean-Luc Picard mask.

Wow. What kind of cards did you play? 500. It's an old Midwestern boring-ass card game. But I love it, actually. How many rounds do you think you went with your parents in this card game? We played until, like, past 2 a.m., which they never stay up late. Were you guys drinking?

We were drinking, yeah. It was fun. Both of your parents drank? Mm-hmm. You think they fucked that night? No. What makes you so confident? We were drinking, yeah. It was fun. Both of your parents drank? Mm-hmm. You think they fucked that night? No. What makes you so confident? Just no.

How do you know? Do you have a cup to the door? Their relationship I could not figure out. No one in my whole extended family can figure out their relationship. What do you mean? What can't you figure out about it? I don't want to reveal too much. My mom's 10 years older than my dad.

My dad's this fucking Johnny businessman, super good looking dude. My mom's this crazy big bird lady who's like... I don't even know, man. For a while, I was like, is my dad gay? I was like, is my dad a beard? Did your mother have money?

Yeah, she had some money. What's so tough to figure out no but my dad that's breaking it down with that yeah I mean there's more to it normally when somebody thinks their dad's too business manny and like probably doesn't do anything that crazy

normally that's the guy that like makes them wear the whole gimp outfit and puts the ball gag in her mouth do you think your mom's like doing crazy shit like that and that's the guy that makes them wear the whole gimp outfit and puts the ball gag in her mouth. Do you think your mom's doing crazy shit like that? She's literally still a little girl from the 1950s, but now she's a 65-year-old, 67-year-old woman. So she still hates black people. No, she's right around the neighborhood with a bird on her head.

She took her cousin to prom like a bird on her head. She took her cousin to prom. She's just like – A bird on her head. She made me go to the Dale Carnegie How to Win Friends and Influence People seminar when I was like 15. I was with a bunch of like fucking 35-year-old – Let's get back to this bird on the head thing. Yeah, what the fuck's a bird on the head? My mom thought Mount Rushmore occurred naturally.

Wait, what? She used to have a pet bird ride around on the neighborhood. Brownsburg, Indiana. On a bicycle? And she was that lady that rode around on a bicycle. She was a kid at that time.

With a bird on her head. And you described her as big bird-like. Because she's what, tall? Big lady. Oh, big. She's loud big lady. Oh, big. She's loud. You can hear her coming. Oh.

But not that kind of coming, though, right? Because your dad's not fucking her. Josh, any updates? Okay. And she also has terrible health problems, so she's in constant physical pain, so I don't think they can have any sex. She moans, but when she moans, she's doing back and knee exercises. any sex. She moans, but when she moans, she's doing back and knee exercises. Does your dad have trouble sitting

down? You mean like my mom is wearing a dildo or something? Yeah. No. Pegged? No. You're not doing that. So you've never heard your parents have sex? No. Oh. Interesting. Oh. No.

Interesting. That's sad. How do you think that's affected you as a young man? I don't know. And then your biological parents. I mean, but sexually I think I got fucked up going to all boys Catholic high school. Oh. All boys.

Very repressed. Being into hardcore music, being straight edge, going to all ages shows, and we would do hardcore dancing and shit, which is really just kids with boners just fucking flailing around. It's because they don't know what to do with their boners. I didn't know what to do with my boner. I was afraid to touch girls. I was afraid to talk to girls. I was so fucking terrified.

Wow, there it is. There we go. You got me with that one. I got a hard blank out of that. I really thought that may have been real for a second that one i thought was real out of all the ones that have ever happened on this show out of nowhere that one i thought was a real one for some reason because i was thinking about this monologue that pat was going on and i'm like you know i'm disappointed it wasn't real. That he's still sitting there alive.

I love it. Well, guys, I think that's the thing about Periscope. It's like they're right in your face with these insults. I know. I'm having a fun live show here and some asshole's just like, Tony got so scared. Yeah, he squirted cum all over my shoes, guys. Who comes when they're scared, Brian?

That doesn't even make any sense. That's a weird scare. Fear gas. Fell out of the ass. Guys, so let's just start the show, shall we? You know how it works. Over 40 comedians signed up tonight. They're all stacked against the back walls. Way deep that room goes on the other side. And they signed

up for the chance to do 60 seconds on this stage and get feedback and talk to our two illustrious special guests that we have on tonight. Our other one, very close to arriving. So there he is, ladies and gentlemen joe rogan boom how about that what's up buddy there we go perfect timing solid entrance perfect timing he didn't want to it was perfect he didn't want to hear any of pat's bullshit and uh it's he knew. Yep. So I was just explaining that we're getting into it. Comedians, you know you have 60 seconds of stage time. You know your 60 seconds is up when you hear the sound

of a kitty. Oh, come on, Brian. Gets a little bit more quiet every week. You have to let him hear it for it to even... There you go. That's the sound that you hear when your 60 seconds is up. Don't go over your timer or else you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. Do you have a sketch artist

now? Yeah. It's amazing. It's the great Ryan J.E. belt over there. He draws a picture. Like courtroom style? Yeah. Trippy courtroom. And he draws like the theme. Can you make me black? He'll do it.

Yeah, it's done. Fuck yeah. He does every episode it's ryanjebelt.com by the way i don't know if i said that up front but he has prints of every funny thing and he also draws like the theme like if there's a running joke and stuff like that becomes part of it so anything can happen you guys ready for kill Tony or what, you crazy motherfuckers? Funnest show on a Monday at 8. Put your hands together for your first comedian tonight. His name is Tony James. Have you ever had a very special, special friend that you just totally, I mean totally, hate?

I married that heifer. Have you ever seen a pussy hole so big That it's just too big? I did I saw this pussy hole that was so big I felt like the only thing I could do to it Or for it Was give it a nickname I called it the wishing well. Because when she first opened her legs

and I first saw that gigantic hole, the first thing I said was, I wish you well with that one. Tony James. Thank you very much. Fuck yeah. 48 seconds of Tony James. Run, Tony. Just run.

Get out of here, dude. Just fucking run. Don't stay here for this. Don't stay here for this. You don't want this in your soul. You don't want to hear it, man. You don't want to hear it. You don't want to hear it, man.

You don't want to feel it. You don't want to remember it. You don't want none of this. Yes, I do, Joe. Just go watch it on Periscope. Go home and watch it on Periscope. Don't say anything. Let me ask you, how do you think that went?

Well, that pretty well. I think that went pretty well. That's fucking crazy. You did leave the pauses in between jokes like they were laughing. I'll give you that. You had pauses like you were getting full blown applause breaks. I like the word

pussy hole too. You could just say pussy hole over and over again. That's Brian Redband's feedback. Just pay attention to the fact that he barely got that sentence out. I know. How long you been doing it, Tony? Like seven years. Oh, Jesus.

It's not the number I was hoping to hear. Well, I mean, that wasn't the joke I really could bring up here for 160 seconds. Come on, man. You know. Yeah, I mean, I'm not going to pile on on you. Right. It's just, like, what's your writing process? Opening, set up, punchline.

Uh-huh. And you going for shock, too, a little bit? Whose pussy hole was this? Where did you see such a big pussy hole? And what did you say? Can you repeat it? Because I didn't really, I just heard, I wish, I wish, I like, I didn't really. I said, I wish you well.

I wish you well. I said, I nicknamed it the wishing well. Okay, who had this pussy hole? I wish you well. I wish you well. I said I nicknamed it the wishing well. Okay. Who had this pussy hole? Well, actually, it was one I left that way. Was she sort of Big Bird-esque, one would say, maybe? You know, like... No, no, no.

Were you in Boston at the time? Pat just visited his parents in Boston. His parents don't fuck. Anyway. I went for shock, though. I Anyway. I went for shock, though. I went for shock. What do you listen to on your headphones? You have the headphones around

your neck. It's a bold comedy move. It's almost like saying at any point, I'm just going to put these on. These headphones say I didn't expect to get up tonight. I love it. What have you been listening to today? Sean Paul. I've been listening to, do you ever hear of The Spinners?

Nope. I didn't think so. Rubber band man. Yeah, he's got it. All right, I'd say this about your wishing well joke. I would just say I threw a bunch of coins in it or something like that, like anything other than that. That wouldn't fit into one minute.

I actually have – I go that way, but it doesn't – Yeah, the marry the heifer? Well, I didn't join those two. I thought you said heifer, which was confusing because then your next line said pussy hole. So I was like, are you censoring yourself? Well, yeah, I'm just going for shock 60 seconds. So you've been doing

comedy for seven years what do you do for work how do you survive uh well i um i'm retired uh marine corps oh nice an american hero ladies and gentlemen i wouldn't know about that and clearly now by your attire you're you've spent you spend your retirement umpiring third base, right? No. I spend time actually writing for someone and some people. Nice. Okay. What do you do for fun? What do I do for fun?

I watch a lot of some things like Japanese anime. I play softball. I play golf. Things like that. You in a softball league? Where the fuck you going with these questions? Trying to figure stuff out. Maybe my softball team needs a new cleanup hitter. You just have to write harder, man.

Well, you know, this is not enough time to get into it. Oh, it is. You're going to see people kill. It's going to hurt you when they come up here and they're going to murder during this show. There's people that will get really hard locks. Oh, I haven't seen it yet. I'm still.

Well, you're the first one. Jesus Christ. Well, this is not my first show, man. Here's one thing you can never do. You can never make excuses why it didn't go well. Don't ever say I didn't have enough time. I thought it went well. I'm saying.

It definitely didn't go well. 100%. No, and you can't. You can't. You can't look at it. You can't look at it. No, definitely not. You can't look at it. No, definitely not. You can't look at it in a delusional sense.

That is my opening joke. It kills except for everybody. It definitely doesn't. There's no way it does. Oh, yes, it does. You can't be delusional. If you don't look at it objectively, you'll never get good at this shit. This shit is brutal.

Listen, there's a hundred people in this room, and all of them know how to talk. Okay? So for you to be the one person that gets to talk, you better have something extraordinary to say. Boom. You can't look at it and go, this is good enough. This always works. That's not what I said. Okay, you're making excuses.

You're making excuses. There was none. It's true. Nobody laughed at my first joke. Tony, did you hear that sound that they just made? Come on, man, seriously. The sound of silence is like. You're not a bad person.

We're not judging you as a human being, but we're talking about what you did, like your art. The only way you're ever going to get good at this is if you own up to it and look at it objectively. And you can't think it's going well when it's not. That's the curse of the open mic-er. There's open mic-ers to this day that are still hearing phantom jokes from a show that they bombed at. And it's this defense mechanism that your brain creates.

It allows you to get through it and not have this... Bombing on stage is like sucking a thousand dicks in front of your mother, alright? We all know it. Everyone knows it. And when you bomb,

you want to come up with all these reasons why you didn't. And it's just defense mechanisms and that defense mechanism is going to keep you from ever getting good at this. Truth bomb. Straight from the top of the show. From Joe Rogan, ladies and gentlemen. Okay. Now, can I say something real fast?

Uh-oh. Rebuttal from Tony James. That's not an excuse. It's not an excuse. Now, from what I heard, now, I listened. I thought the joke went well. Now, I usually record myself. And so that joke works. Whether or not it worked here tonight, you know jokes don't always work everywhere you go. Come on.

That sounds like an excuse, right? Record it from the back of the room. It will change your whole, like, you'll listen to it, and you'll hear the audience. Even if it worked before, you wouldn't do that on a special. You wouldn't. You know it has to be stronger. Deep down, or even on the surface, you know that shit has to be stronger. So that's the whole point.

Yeah. And it's not going to hurt you if you listen to us in the long run. And next time you're around a pussy. I'm not upset by what you guys have to say. May I say that? I'm not upset. It doesn't bother me at all. I get mentorship.

When people say I'm not upset, they're upset. Okay, Tony. They're at worse. We love you. You gave it your all. Well, I thank you. Tony James, everybody. Get serious from the top.

It's a hard fucking art form, folks. It is. It is. Without a doubt. You can learn from this show, for real. If you're thinking about doing this, you can learn from this show, from shit like that. There's do's and don't do's. There's little fucking ninjas.

There's little ninjas hidden all around the country that I hear a lot about when I go to these other cities. And they're the local comedians, and they listen to this show. And whether it applies to them or not, they find out a couple notes that are so truthful from each episode. And they tell me about it when I go out there. They introduce themselves, and it's like one of the cool perks of this. Well, you know, Ian and I, we started out basically around the same time and you know when we started there was nobody taught Nobody told you shit. You know they all you didn't have there was no forum like this We could watch someone go on stage do an open mic night

And then have a bunch of people fuck around and talk about how it's done. It was hard back then Yeah, you know I mean it seems brutal what i just said but it's true it's not it was not brutal as a human being but as as what is coming out of your mouth you gotta stop emoting it's not that serious he's like wow this is yeah but it's what it is yeah yeah we all know it we all know it but it's like you know shit anything can happen also 60 when people say they can't do it in 60 seconds, I always think that that's like, that excuse is not really valid. Right, so what do you do in a five-minute set?

Just knock it last for 60 seconds? Doesn't make any sense. When you're holding your breath, 60 seconds is a long time. Oh, geez. Okay, I don't think we've ever had this person on before. It seems like an interesting name. Put your hands together for Stevie Blue Eyes. Oh, I like this.

What's up, guys? Guys, I was in prison for a while. I'm thinking about going back. This working shit, it fucking sucks, man. It's hard getting a job when you're a felon. Can't get any job that you really want. Like, I'm a huge football fan. You guys like football?

Love football. Tried getting a job with the NFL, but they told me I wasn't qualified. So I went home and beat the shit out of my girlfriend. I still didn't get it. I guess they do background checks. I don't know. God, you guys are tight, huh? Before I got to prison, everyone said the same thing.

They said, Steve, don't drop the soap. Whatever you do, do not drop the soap. So the first thing I did when I got inside, I got liquid soap, guys. Thought I solved the whole problem. Until I got into the shower And they took it from me There you go There's the West Hollywood bear You want to finish that?

How does that end? You get in the shower And then what happens? Until I got into the shower And they took it from me Used it as lube to rape me with There you go I had a feeling

There might be something coming there Wait, you saw that coming? Yeah I had a feeling There would be some Some type of butt-sucking might be something coming there. Wait, you saw that coming? Yeah. I had a feeling there would be some type of butt sucking. Some kind of Columbo or some shit. Yeah. No, but when you look at him, you're like, yeah, that could have happened. Yeah.

It's the eyes. Now, there's a lot going on here, Stevie Blue Eyes. And that is your comedy name, huh? Yeah. How long have you been doing stand-up? I got out of prison April 30, 2014. Holy shit. You have the face that says you wouldn't go to prison.

I know. What did you go to prison for? I was drug trafficking, extortion, racketeering. I was in federal prison. Jesus Christ. Oh, wow. Fuck yeah. I'm actually proud of you.

Have you seen the movie Black Mass? Yeah. You've seen Black Mass? Yeah. You've seen Black Mass? Half the movie they're trying to set up mob boss Gennaro Angiulo in the North End. Gennaro Angiulo is the mob boss who gave me the nickname Stevie Blue Eyes. His son was my boss. Stevie, I loved your set tonight. It was awesome.

It was unbelievable. Great shirt. Consider yourself a new regular on the show. You don't even have to sign up anymore. Congratulations. Every single week, you can catch Stevie Blue Eyes. Wow. Unbelievable.

So how long were you in there for? Five years. Wow. Have you seen the movie Blow with Johnny Depp? Get the fuck out of here. What are you talking about? What's next? Have you seen Goodfellas with Robert De Niro?

I have all these weird parallels now. Have you seen Patton? I get all these weird parallels with Johnny Depp, who Johnny Depp portrays in the movie Blow, drug trafficker. George Jung was three cells down from me the whole time I was in prison. Wow. Holy shit. He just got out. He's in San Francisco now.

He's a friend of mine. Johnny Depp fucking connections going on. Of like the worst kind. Johnny Depp fucking connections going on. Of like the worst kind of Johnny Depp connections you could possibly have. Not like one time we were in the same Uber share. It's like, no. I once sucked a guy off who. You showered with blood. Johnny Depp connection?

Maybe like Winona Ryder's tattoo artist. Yeah. That would be like the worst Johnny Depp connection. It was in the cell five down from me. He did a butterfly on my ankle. It's the same guy. Winona forever. Remember that?

So, Stevie, you look young. You're loaded with stories and life experience. You're built like a fucking human wrecking machine. They got good weights in there. They got a good weight system. There's no Onnit products, but you can get your hard-boiled eggs. You are wearing the Onnit shirt, which made me crack up from the beginning. It's Joe Rogan's company, so what are the odds of that?

Last time I met you, you had an Onnit shirt on, too. The last three times I've seen Joe, I've had an Onnit shirt on. I love it. I represent him. He's the guy that owns the company. Joe doesn't want your sponsorship. I love it.

So Stevie, you said you've been on stand-up what? I first started I first did my first open mics in 2010 while I was on trial. I just needed something to do while I was kind of losing my mind. So I went into prison in kind of comedy mode, which is a good thing because prison is literally like boot camp for comedy.

If you go in with that mindset of looking for bits and stuff like that, it's like endless. It's fucking endless. So I got out April 30, 2014 and just started hitting mics ever since. That's how Joey Diaz started. Joey Diaz started. Yeah. Joey Diaz started in prison. He started making people laugh in prison.

They would show movies, and if the movies sucked, they'd go, get up there, Cuban. Get on stage, and he'd make everybody laugh. Wow. It's true. I mean, it's just constantly like you're in rooms with people, and then myself, I was always kind of the focus of attention. I'd be talking to people, this and that, So it was kind of grooming me for being in the – not in the spotlight, but for just being able to talk and come up with funny things all the time. Wow. That's good.

Did you ever, like, make jokes to the prison guys? Yeah. I mean, we'd all joke. And that's one of the saddest things about prison. People say the worst part is the company you keep, company you keep meaning like you know shitheads rape but but the hardest for me about the company i kept was some of the awesome guys that were in there so right some of the coolest fucking pedophiles you've ever met in your entire life honestly it's the best fucking hand job smartest most intelligent people i've met in my life who would be doing amazing things on the street if they didn't get hit up with the

crack law in new jersey in 2000 and they're doing oh that old crack law that you know but it came down in jersey all the highest quality of people but yeah it's it's it's like a it's a good thing look you're comfortable on stage but you have a wall up you know like you have this uh you know you're trying to like a prison put out a persona yeah normally it's off but it's awkward it wall up you know like you have this you know you're trying to like a prison put out a persona But it's awkward. It's awkward. You know starting out is the most awkward thing about stand-up is like getting to you Yeah, you know I would say there's like three stages to stand up the first stage It's like you're trying to do anything to get a laugh like anything like you're saying a bunch of nonsense But if it works you keep it and then you got to ditch all that shit eventually.

And then you develop stuff that actually makes you laugh. Yeah. That's like stage two and stage three. And not everybody even has to. Like some of the greatest comedians never went to stage three. Like Stephen Wright or Mitch Hedberg, some of the greatest of all time. But stage three is like George Carlin style, like where you take concepts and make them funny. Take ideas and try to put ideas in people's heads that they maybe would never really laugh at.

And it's not necessary. Like not everybody has to do that. Like some of the, like I said, the best stuff never goes there. But, you know, what you're doing right now is like you're in that awkward phase. So you just got to do it a lot. Yeah. Just keep doing it. You've been doing a lot. You definitely could do it.

Yeah. You definitely do it. I normally, well, I don't want to use a 60 sex and – What? Somebody was saying something? I mean, I think you got a lot of – There's only one guy over there. You know what I'm saying, huh? But, no, I usually ease into – I usually don't open up.

I was in prison for a while. I ease into it more. I have, like, things that lead into it so it's not just, like, an abrupt, like, I'm that guy who was in jail. You know what I mean? you know what i mean but like which i understand which i'm not trying to use a 60 second excuse but i i appreciate what you say i know you got a lot of potential you got a good story people are gonna like your story story's amazing yeah definitely for real for real so you know just keep working hard it's just one of those things man you'll get a little bit better every time you do it a little and then you'll look back a year from now or whatever and you'll have all this massive improvement the thing is just putting

in the numbers it's just a lot of numbers because i'm in i live in the area now i moved from box i'm from boston i got off probation in september i love these updates like it's like i know his entire fucking like police report at this point as soon as i got off probation i just came out here because it was just you know it's so you're off probation off that was in what september september yeah that was last month that's fucking amazing yeah wow uh okay so how long have you been living so that's a fucking month yeah that's incredible started in october 15th i've been here for two weeks wow that's great how the fuck did you get an apartment? You know, I'm a doer.

You make shit happen. It's a good answer. Yeah. Any other answer, and I'm pretty sure this podcast would be witnessed in a federal case in a few months. Here on this wildly popular live podcast, you said that the wheels... Oh, whatever. I guess that's a real person.

You went to the 1930s. Criminal discovered on the new podcast system. System. So you're going to stick with Stevie Blue Eyes. Yeah, I mean, it's got me this far, right? It's got you this far.

Jesus Christ. I'm going to change the pace, son. Stevie Blue Eyes. They named you like It's got you this far. Jesus fucking Christ. I'm going to change the pace, son. Yeah. Stevie blew it. Somebody, they named you like a 1950s mobster. What happened? It was 2015. Because I walked into the room because at the time,

Gennaro was like 90. He did 30 years because Whitey set him up. And his son was 50 years old. So Gennaro was 90. And I walked in the room and he said, you got the bluest eyes I've ever seen since Sinatra. And I was like, 19. The guy was trying to fuck you, you know that.

But that's how it started. Gay pedophile. But that's how, yeah. So I just love a guy that'll just go with the name that the FBI has on file. Like, it's such a fuck you. Like, that's up on some guy's billboard right now. Like, Stevie Blue Eyes. He's at the coffee store. That fucking guy's alive?

Where? In my federal indictment, it says my real name, Steve Pearson, a.k.a. Stevie Blue Eyes. Stevie Pearson Blue Eyes. You're really two-er. Shit, that is incredible. I didn't even notice that.

Did you even know that? No, I didn't. Oh, people have known. All right, you son of a bitch. The only problem that you're going to have with that nickname is that it carries a lot. It's got weight to it. Like, you're asking for people to give you more attention. Now they have to look at your eyes.

Now they have to, like, what's this guy's name? What the fuck is that all about? You know, like, if you're just Steve Pearson, then you go in fresh. Like you don't have a lot of, there's not a lot of weight. Now, normally. Steal the destroyer. You have some crazy fucking name.

You know, better be good. People are always going to ask you about the blue eyes thing forever, and you're always going to have to go, there was this mafia guy, why did he pull you? And they're already going to be like, oh, fuck, this guy's going to kill me.

Now, normally I have the comedian go off and I give their Twitter handle a shout out. But I noticed here that I read your Twitter handle, luckily, before relieving you of your duty over there. And I'm just going to ask you straight up, why is your Twitter handle Protein Cream? So that's another story. Do you even lift, bro? What are the odds this doesn't involve prison? Protein cream is actually a company that I used to own. It was my nutrition company.

I invented a formula for instead of a protein shake, it was an ice cream form. It was the same nutritional facts. For people that want to get in shape and eat like shit at the same time. Yeah. Hey, try my new energy pizza. It's me, Stevie Blue Eyes.

I actually, I got on season two a shark tank for it. I bet. And the episode was pulled because they knew I had ties with organized crime. Wow. And it was made in West Palm Beach, Florida. It was made in these little eight ounce cups and we get sent up to New York and Boston. I used to smoke. Coke was in it.

What was that? Coke was in it. No, I used to put Oxycontin in the eight ounce things. We'd smuggle Oxycontin from Miami to New York in the protein cream cup. Holy fucking shit, man. I love you. You're so cool. Yeah. Sometimes I wish this wasn't like a podcast that I had to keep moving along because I just Howard Stern the shit out of you right now.

This is so fucking interesting. That's why I kept the, because I didn't change my Twitter to Stevie Blue. I was like, I'm in a dream. You kept the product that's no longer in existence, this product. I mean, you can't even find it. So you kept the Twitter handle of the product that got you sent to existence this product i mean you can't even find it so you kept the twitter handle of the product that got you sent to federal prison for five years because people weren't really buying this protein ice cream the thing is it was really selling well if i just like focus my attention just on that you would have how well could of all the places

even where i would buy ice cream from it it seems like Florida would be on the bottom of that list. It wasn't sold in Florida. It was sold in New York and Boston in gyms, nutrition stores, like juice bar type things. It really was selling very good. And I've ruined the whole thing trying to bring Oxycontin into the mix. You had a perfectly good business. I mean, it was a good business bottle. My entrepreneurial spirit got the best of me a little bit. Hell yeah, it did. I just jumped on it. You wonder what's next. Hell yeah, it was a good business bottle. My entrepreneurial spirit got the best of me a little bit.

Hell, yeah, it did. I just jumped on it. You wonder what's next. Hell, yeah, it did. It's like, what's next for Stevie Blue Eyes? Yeah. All right, Stevie. It was so nice meeting you.

Please sign up again. We can't wait to have you back. What an interesting story, Stevie Blue Eyes. Follow him on Twitter, at Protein Cream. For those of you that have been wondering, I wonder if anyone has the Twitter handle Protein Cream. You just

met the man himself. Here we go. This looks like another new name. Put your hands together for Cody Winnins. Cody Winnins. Uh-oh. No Cody Winnins. Wow-oh. No Cody Winnins.

Wow. Missed a spot. That means he gets blacklisted. Alright, I pulled another name out of the bucket. Put your hands together for Terrence Rutledge. Thank you. I just got laid for the first time. I don't even have any jokes. I just want to celebrate. Oh my God.

It's been 22 years. Man, I can't believe this happened. Like, those days of being a virgin, those were dark days. I could have almost been a school shooter. Does anybody have any questions? Questions? Anybody? For my set. Yeah. Yeah, I was a little asian girl oh jesus christ what kind of a crowd is this

are you done yeah pretty much terrence rutledge fuck yeah so i'm guessing i'm guessing that you didn't write anything because did this really happen? Oh, yeah, it really happened. And you're super excited about it. Yeah. When did this happen? It actually happened two weeks ago. Wow.

And you're still this excited. Uh-huh. I mean, look at the fucking look on your face. Just absolutely shocked. I'm still shocked that it happened. Yeah. How did that lady know that it was a little Asian lady? I've told this to

everybody in every open mic. You've told this to everybody at every open mic for two weeks. And you still haven't added a funny part to the entire thing. You just keep kicking out the premise, waiting for something to just magically come to you. And then you start asking questions like somebody

in the audience is going to write it for you. I was hopeful when he got on stage. Oh, yeah. The pause and the confidence. I was hopeful that something good was going to come out. Yeah. You have the connection. You have the energy.

You had me on board. Are you a funny guy outside of this? Not really. I mean, if you're just laughing at how weird I am, then yeah. That's interesting because that was actually funny, the way you said it. Oh, thank you. Maybe if you could just figure that out. Yeah.

You know? Yeah. Like, maybe you accidentally invented some shit that cures cancer or something. You know what I mean? Like, sometimes they do that and they're trying to find something that is good for asthma. Like, oh, no, it sucks at asthma, but look what it does for cancer. for asthma. It sucks at asthma, but look what it does for cancer. Maybe you were trying

to just talk to people and you're actually funny in an accidental sort of a way. You got to have to figure out how to do that accidental shit on purpose. Otherwise, what the fuck are you doing? Do you have any material at all? What were you talking about

right before you got laid two weeks ago? What was that last open mic? I was talking about being a virgin. Wow. See, I think that's amazing. There you go. You could just add that right to it. And some girl just threw you a bone?

I met a girl on the bus. He threw her a bone. On the bus? On the bus. And you didn't mention that in the 60 seconds. You just told her on the bus you were a virgin? Well, it came out later. Came out.

She asked about it. Came out when? How long did you last? I lasted a whole hour. Whoa. Wow. Oh, boy. I don't even know if that's good.

I don't know if that's a great... Okay, what does last mean to you? Yeah. What does that mean? It means like I didn't come for a really long time. Actually having sex. Yeah. How did you pull that mean? It means I didn't come for a really long time. Actually having sex? Yeah. How did you pull that off?

Did you just beat off a lot? No, I haven't masturbated in eight years. What the fuck? You're some kind of a fucking weirdo, dude. Oh, the horse of truth. You go on stage. You have a minute. You don't tell any jokes.

You ask questions. You haven't gotten laid your whole life. You got laid once, you fucked for an hour. You're the outlier of outliers. They should bring you to a lab somewhere and fucking study you. When you came... Oh, Jesus. Questions are flying in from the back.

Some dude's angry. He's like, I'm depressed and my life's way better than his. What the fuck's going on? Why are you smiling, bitch? When you came, did it smell? Oh, Jesus. God the fuck's going on? Why are you smiling, bitch? When you came, did it smell? Oh, Jesus. God, that's disgusting. How do you even think of these things?

I mean, if he doesn't masturbate, he hasn't had sex for eight years, it's going to be still there, right? It's going to come out curdled. You should be a doctor. Oh, my God. I mean, did it kill the girl? Is she still alive? Medical advice from Brian Redman.

I don't know if you know this, but the cum sort of stays there. Where does it go? Does it evaporate? Does cum sweat? No, you were having crazy wet dreams for a while, right? You would just wake up with sticky in your underwear, right? From time to time. From time to time.

So let's hear one of your jokes. You say you have actual jokes. Let me hear one of your jokes. All right. So I come from a super Christian family. My family is like the Bible. My dad is like Jesus Christ. I've waited my whole life for him to come back.

Should open with that. That's not bad. There's something there. Give us one more. My uncle's like Satan. He's always trying to get inside me. Ah, there you go. He's always trying to get inside me. Ah, there you go. He's got jokes.

I like that. Drop the mic and walk away a winner. Walk away a winner. I love it. That's actually funny, dude. Sure, go. Walk away a winner. That's a winner.

He's a winner. What's his Twitter? He won. He's on Twitter, Comedy Terrence. He's a winner. What's his Twitter? He won. He's on Twitter, Comedy Terrence. He's the only Comedy Terrence that there is with two R's. He did try to stay up here for an hour. But he fucking nailed it. That's how you do it.

You plant that bitch and you scat. He's got it. Who would have thought he'd be able to turn it around? That was amazing. It's really interesting that he has jokes like that. He might be the first guy ever who lost his virginity and made it turn it into a meltdown. You know what I mean? Instead of getting better, I feel like most people would come out of the gate swinging.

Well, obviously there's something wrong with him. Right. The not getting laid for 22 years, I understand. How about the no beating off part yeah that's exactly what's like completely i mean how do you not just have arms you would figure something out yeah that's true i've actually thought about that like i i mean like i i thought about that no arm thing and i imagine that you would just end up fucking like couch cushions and shit you know what i mean you? You'd figure something out. Sneaking up behind it.

You'd find something. Yeah. This is crazy talk. But the last two jokes were good jokes, especially the last one. Yeah. That's fucking funny. There's something in there. Yeah, it's called crazy.

Hopefully it's not another eight years until he releases more jokes like that. Yeah, not jerking off for eight years. I can't fathom that. That's just frustrating, right? That fucking Satan joke's hilarious, though. I know this guy. He's from Texas. He's been signing up for a few weeks,

and now he's going to get on the show. His name is Taylor Rizzo, everybody. Here he is. All right. So I'm against the use of safe words in the bedroom. And I'm against them now, but I used to think that safe words were just stupid and useless. Like, what sort of sexual scenario can you not just say, like, please stop doing that? You know, like, saying stop should be enough. But I thought about it, and the only time you need a safe word is for a rape fantasy.

Because you want to be able to say those things like no, don't, and please stop, with the comfortability of knowing that you can make it all stop by just saying, like, pumpernickel or something. And it's ridiculous. Like, I'm against rape, and that's why i'm against the use of safe words in the bedroom now that being said this is gonna sound hypocritical but i actually have a safe word that i recognize in the bedroom and it's rape because if i'm having sex with you and you say rape i'm gonna stop like immediately all. That's my joke. Thanks, guys. Fuck, yeah. That's a good premise.

Yep. That's a very good premise. That's a tough one, though, to bang out in 60 seconds. Yeah. I was rushing. It's very smart. That's a problem, too, right? If you have 60 seconds.

Yeah. Well, it's like 57 seconds. And so I was like, I don't want to get that kitty cat noise. And if somebody laughs and it stretches it out a little. Yeah, I was trying to. I was just going to talk over their laugh. I don't understand why it took you so long just to get to it. To get to the.

Yeah. I don't know. It was a lot of setup. It kind of lost me until you got to the. I do. My jokes tend to have a lot more setup. Well, that's just. How long have you been on stand up?

About three years. Right. Yeah. Setups are long now. Yeah,, that's just – how long have you been on stand-up? About three years. Right. Yeah. Set-ups are long now. Yeah, but that's not like a joke. Like that's not something you could bang out. Like my uncle is like Satan. He's always trying to get inside me.

Right. You know what I mean? You could say – Like what you're doing is like this is like kind of a high concept because it is really true. Like the only time to do that is if you have a rave fantasy. Because that's the only time you would want to be able to say no without it actually stopping. Yes, yes, yes. And then once you get that rape thing out and you're there, you know what I mean?

You could just tag it with more stuff that's automatic safe words. Once you say rape is a safe word, there's other ones too, like stop or grandma. Or Babadook. Yeah, because rape doesn't really work because if you have a rape fantasy and you're saying, don't rape me, but she really wants you to rape her, you've got a weird situation going on.

That's why you have to come up with pumpernickel or pineapple or something. It's a good premise because it's totally true. People that do get crazy like that, have little fantasiesies i'm the police officer okay and i'm gonna pull you over and you try to run you know like that kind of weird shit like that's the only time you would have yeah but some people love to make believe so it's fun it's weird it's a good premise it's really funny you have a girlfriend i do not know he's going deep

no uh have you ever been with someone who's had a rape fantasy um no it's actually very i have more jokes about how do you find a girl i'm not into fantasy yeah none that none that's been will edwards find all the right gals yeah yeah man nobody's told me about it but i mean i even have other jokes to where i'm like not into kinky things and we talk about that a little bit i just figured that you've been with a whole bunch of different women since your face has 70s Bush on it, attached to it. It's a very pubic beard.

Has anybody told you that before? Most days. What do you put in that? Nothing. I mean, I don't know. I can't grow a beard. This is some Tony Hinchcliffe male envy. It's true. It's true. I'm jealous.

I only grow a little bit of patchy facial hair and only on one side. So if I don't shave for a few days, it looks like I got bitch slapped by a coal miner. It's really embarrassing. Like it's just little patches like dirt. Anyway. Maybe close your pubes were blonde and straightened. Mine? Yeah, like straightened blonde pubes.

Okay, Pat. What the fuck? I don't want to have Michael Jackson's pubes. What the fuck, Pat? Taylor, so you just moved here from Texas recently, right? Wrong. South Carolina. South Carolina.

That was close, though. How long have you been out here? Like four weeks. Wow. Yeah. And you live here now? I do. I still don't have my own place, but I have a job, and I officially – I have my medical marijuana card, so I think technically –

Well, that's what counts. Are you here to pursue stand-up? That's 100% why I came. I actually – I mean – Where'd you come from? From South Carolina. But what part? Charleston, South Carolina.

I remember you now. Yeah, do you? Yeah. Yeah, I did the show last year, and you told me not to move out here right away, and that was some amazing advice. And then after the show, you told me to transfer with my job and move out here and do it, and that's literally what happened. Wow.

That's awesome. Yeah, I did the show on September 29, 2014, and I decided that day that I wanted to move out, and I gave myself a year, and I started my new job out here on September 28th. Holy shit, that's amazing. One day before a year started. Changing lives. Yeah, man.

I love that. I want to thank you. Of course. Are you having fun? Yeah, fuck yeah. I mean, I've only been going up once or twice a week for the last three years, so now that, I mean, anytime've only been doing going up like once or twice a week for the last three years. So now that I mean, anytime I have a free couple hours, I can just look online and see what open mics are going on.

Yeah, you definitely wouldn't be able to do stand up in Charleston, South Carolina. Yeah. Not with like high concepts like that. Yeah, it's hard to do that. I mean, tension span. Yeah. Yeah. It's tough.

I mean, a lot a lot of the shows that they book you on around there are all clean shows. And I can't tell like clean concept rape jokes. You know, it's tough. I mean, a lot of the shows that they book you on around there are all clean shows, and I can't tell concept rape jokes. It's hard. The safe word is Democrat. Yeah, I mean, I feel like. Gay marriage. I got looked over a lot because my material is a little more. Yeah, that's going to happen.

Well, when you went on stage and you started telling that joke, I felt like There's certain times That people say things on stage That are like little fruits And they might develop And they might not You know what I'm saying But you see like a bud

You see something growing You're like ooh There's something there There's like concepts That ring bells And that rang a bell And if you could do that That's very hard to do

It's like really difficult Sort of concepts like that are some of the hardest shit to turn into like really good bits but when you nail them they're the most satisfying yeah that's what i've really been trying to do how long how much time do you think you have all together right now just ballpark um i actually five minutes seven minutes what of like material that i would want to perform i mean i could do 15 minutes of similar stuff. And I actually, I've recorded pretty much every set I've ever done, and I compiled all my jokes from the last three years, and it's like 45 minutes.

Most of it's shit, but I mean... That's very honest, though. It's cool to see the progression of the first few jokes that I did about... Can I tell you another secret to being successful? Yeah, sure. With some advice that I would do... Can I tell you another secret to being successful? Yeah, sure. From some advice that I would do if I were you. I'd become best friends with Stevie

Blue Eyes. I'd use him as security so that other people don't bully me. This way you could do any joke you want and if somebody's like, hey, fuck you weird pubic beard guy, you could be like, Stevie, get this motherfucker. Fuck yeah.

We could work something out. Stevie would just go up to the heckler and just drop his credits. And then it's really cool, man, that you, you actually waited. You didn't just move right out and stuff. If you're here Friday,

I would like to have you on the death squad show. Fuck yeah, man. Wow. Dreams coming true. Taylor Rizzo. It really is a dream come true, man.

I, when I left the show last year. All right, Taylor. Enough of your emotions. We love you. This means a lot, man. You really helped me out. I get it.

It means a lot. It may not mean a lot to them, but it means a lot to me. Don't force your emotions on us, Ray. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Said enough. Taylor, welcome back to the show. Congrats on everything. That's a fun little Kill Tony.

A Kill Tony success story, guys. We got this guy the fuck out of Charleston, South Carolina. That's huge. Jesus, you would have just rotted away there slowly. Clean comedy shows. Those are hilarious. Yeah. Clean comedy.

I want you to run uphill, but only with weights on. Yeah. Taylor Rizzo's on Twitter, all one word, so you can follow him. I pulled another name out of the bucket. As you can see, anything can happen here tonight. Put your hands together for this name, Anthony J. Calhoun.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. So when do I start? Shit. Holy fucking shit. I just got to say that i'm sorry okay so uh you know how like when you're

it's really emphasized like when you're watching a porn but i know that like this guy right here he knows what i'm gonna be talking about like when you're fucking someone from behind and it makes that smacking slapping sound when your balls hit the fuck in the back, you know what I'm talking about, like the, well, I was just fucking thinking, like, you know, I hear they have these donkey shows done in, like, Tijuana and shit, and I always wonder, well, what the fuck does that sound like, and I thought, you know, just my imagination, I thought, well, it probably sounds like a two by four, just, Shit, I've never seen that shit. You know, I think about weird shit. So I'm a pretty weird fucking strange guy.

No way. I'll be the... Fuck yeah, Anthony J. Calhoun. A lot of people come up to me sometimes and mention the show to me, and they go, you know, 60 seconds is a little too short. I'd like to hear more of what the comedians have to say. And I explain to these people

that it's the perfect amount of time because sometimes things happen like Anthony J. Calhoun. Which brings me to you, Anthony J. Calhoun. How you doing? Seriously, holy fucking shit, like wow. What?

I didn't expect to have my name called on that's that's you signed up and you put your name into the into the thing i mean it's not like winning the lottery or anything there's only about 40 names in the bucket we get through about like 10 something like that usually so it's about 25 percent chances you went in with no reason that you should be truly that just absolute shocked i mean there's no i don't know if you've seen this show there's no like publisher's clearinghouse check that's about to come up here or anything there's no real bonus you just bombed for 60 seconds in front of a bunch of people and a bunch of listeners but that's fun so you're up here you ever done stand-up before i i've been i've been trying to actually do stand-up like for

a really long time but just a bunch of shit had happened i i grew up in an area where like it was very rural rural i guess the word i'm sorry rural yeah and um you literally had to like so rural that you don't learn how to say the word rural ever sorry i am i'm i'm pretty fucking nervous too i'm sorry just relax relax. It's okay. I get it. You're pretending like you're nervous to prove that you haven't killed hookers before, but we could tell, Anthony. Where are you from? What's this

rural area? Well, I grew up in this really small town called Prineville. It's like in the central part of Oregon. Usually, to get a job, people complain about having to travel five or ten miles for a job around here. I'm like, people complain about having to, like, travel, like, five or ten miles for a job around here. I'm like, fuck, I had to drive, like, 40 miles one way. So you're one of the devil's rejects.

Pretty much, yeah. Wow, nobody saw that movie? All right, watch that and then watch Babadook, you fucking pussies. Can you explain the joke with, like, the sound? No. What did that mean? Brian's chemistry is the most beautiful thing. Don't do it, Brian.

Don't do it. It's so great. Because donkey balls are obviously a lot bigger than a man's balls. Are they? Have you seen Joey Dears' balls? I'm just saying. Hold on. Let Ian.

It's not the greatest premise. No. But the only way it had a chance of working is if you actually had sound effects. That's the only chance. Yeah. It's like you don't have the ability, from what I've seen, to even make that thing work. Yeah. You just, so I don't know.

Did you know what you were going to say when you got up here? Did you wait until you got up here and then you panicked and you reached into your bag of tricks? Kind of that. What honestly happened was before I got up here, I have a shit ton of different material. And I have a really good bit called stadium porn that actually went over really well when I was in Omaha. When you were where? Where did it go over? In Omaha, Nebraska.

Okay. What were you doing there? I was living there How long have you been doing stand-up? How many times have you performed stand-up comedy? How many times? Not nearly as much as I would like Ten times?

Thirty times? Hundred times? Five times? When did you start? What year? Tell the truth This is confusing as fuck to you No, no, no

2006 2006? Yeah I actually came out I moved I was I want to say This is confusing as fuck to you. No, no, no. 2006. 2006? Yeah. I actually came out. I moved. I want to say I think I was like 22 at the time. And I moved out here to LA.

I think you have everything off. I think you're off mathematically. You were 22 in 2006? No fucking way. What the fuck happened? Jesus Christ. But I went to the... That's the hardest... What is that, nine years?

Oh my God. He went to prison for five years and looks better than you. Jesus Christ. What the... You need to go to federal prison And look young again Jesus Holy shit Oregon was a nice place

Oregon? Not the middle spots Yeah that's scary The middle spots of everything suck So what did you do for work In the middle of Oregon? Usually just like Call center shit

And stuff like that You and the call center, huh? I am shocked to be receiving this call right now. I had no idea. Did you try out material on people that owed money? Did you provide the inspiration for the dude from the Big Lebowski? That'd be cool. Shut his butt off.

You're sporting the Mariners jersey. That's your team? That's what you're going with? Yeah, for baseball, yeah with What do you do for fun Oh shit, all kinds of stuff Like what Well I like to go to the beach and just like relax I like to smoke fucking weed

I like to fuck, I like to play video games I like to make people laugh Do any of those things ever happen Every once in a while. I get the feeling the lying on the beach happens. If you can get there, they'll let you lie down. To answer your question earlier, though, about when I started, I went to Iowa West here in Hollywood in 2006, December.

I just got done watching, I think it was the Jimmy Kimmel Live show there. And the next day or whatever, they had an open mic. So I went there and they had kind of like a bucket thing like that. And again, I didn't really expect to be called up, but I was anticipating it. So anyways, long story short, I went up. I bombed my set, but I was like, fuck yeah. You're only 31?

Yeah, I turned 32 in March. Holy shit. Me and you are the same age. Yeah. I've been homeless a lot, too, which is not hard. Oh. I bet you're some shit and some things, man. Those homeless years, it's like dog years, guys, for those of you that don't know.

It has something to do with the newspaper ink and the... Brian just whispered in my ear, feces, guys. Just a little behind the scenes of what goes on up here. You live somewhere now? You got a spot now? I'm sorry? Do you have a crib now? You live somewhere now?

Yeah, I'm kind of renting a room with these six other dudes in Hollywood. Sounds like a comic. Hell yeah. That sounds about typical. What do they do? Hustling and bustling? Yeah. One of the guys produces music and then another guy, he works on production crews and what

have you. And then the other three dudes are just never there. This is another interesting Twitter handle that I've noticed here. AJC, which makes sense, and then MC. Well, I'm really into hip hop I used to do a lot more hip hop writing In fact, back in 2004 I moved down to Fort Lauderdale, Miami, Hollywood area of Florida

Because I had a cat out there that I'm really good friends with named Ronson And he introduced me to this guy Like a meow cat or a dude that you know that you're calling a cat? Yeah, like a hip dude or something You're friends with a guy in Florida And I Meow cat or a dude that you know that you're calling a cat? Yeah, like a hip dude or something. I don't know. You're friends with a guy in Florida. And he introduced me to this guy named Antoine. Okay.

And I can't remember his name now, like his last name, but he goes by I am T-Walk on Twitter. And I watch this guy start from being like, do you ever see the show Bob's Burgers where that kid is always playing the songs? How do you know so much about TV if you're homeless? Whose TVs are you watching? I watch a lot of Netflix. So, Anthony, have you ever DJed before?

I would love to learn how to DJ. That would be fun. Well, tonight's your lucky night because we just so happen to have one gift certificate for a DJ lesson from I'm just kidding I don't know Anthony it was nice to meet you thank you thanks for doing this show there he goes Anthony J Calhoun going in for a homeless fist bump there he goes

Anthony J Calhoun I forgot how fucked up this show was. Well, sometimes the buckets. I always forget. I do it every four or five months. Somehow or another, five months goes by, and I'm like, yeah, this would be cool. I feel like there's always a crazy bucket with you.

There's a lot of well-balanced. Some of these comedians come from money, and haven't been to prison I've yet to experience this It's incredible Every time I'm here it's chaos Okay I'll shake it Brian says shake the bucket Like that's going to change anything But let's try it

Let's see if we get a normal human up here This person has good handwriting That's normally the first good sign We got this guy from Texas He was normal Oh yeah Put your hands together for your next comedian Collette Sorry, South Carolina Collette Reitz Reitz Reitz We got this guy from Texas. He was normal. Oh, yeah. Put your hands together for your next comedian.

Sorry. South Carolina. Colette Reitz. Reitz. Fuck yeah. She corrected me. She's got her shit together. Colette Reitz. Well, this's cool.

Well, this is exciting. I have good news to share with you guys. This, no, this is a food baby. That's a burrito bowl. It happens. My good news is I quit Netflix because my 30-day trial ended. And because Netflix should not exist why can you just watch anything

ever at any time do a little research hey Colette do you have a job no Netflix are you hiring hey Colette do you live with your parents but call them roomies no maybe yes

are you on my tinder and then maybe Netflix can just say, hey, Colette, we're not going to let you watch, like, you know, Friends, romantic comedies, because we know the Razorblades are close. You can't. We're going to recommend, you know, Hoarders, and just so you don't jump off a building tonight, this episode of My 500-lb Life, bingo. Yeah, do that noise. There you go. Exactly a minute.

I just want to commend you on your choice of footwear. It's like I'm kind of going riding. It's called I Had a Job, and I had to come here from it. No, it's cool. I like them. What's your job? I work in a library

Oh, those are librarian shoes Do you ride a horse to work? I love that Yeah, but the stable's far away So you need to walk through shit Did you really quit Netflix? I did But then I stole my sister's password

Of course I think it's a little bit hard To sell an audience on being anti-Netflix unless you have really, really some hard-hitting stuff coming up. It's sort of like still being pro-slavery, is telling people that TV is a better option or do your research. I didn't get that far in the history book. Oh, I see what you did there. Oh, crafty there uh interrupting interrupted me to kill the energy for a second uh how long you been doing comedy like

let's say like two weeks do you love them oh? There you go. In that case, you murdered. I can't say shit. Two weeks. It's like you're a baby. You're a fetus. Just keep working. Yeah. At my job or at comedy, I'm just...

You know what? Maybe not keep working. Yeah, I would. You ever take an improv class? I'm being sassy, I'm sorry. Have I taken what? An improv class? No.

Yeah. She looks improv-y. Maybe there's some books in that library that you can read. She looks improv-y? What does that mean? Oh, yeah. She has that improv person look. Totally, yeah.

I have to reach another reading level before they let me do that. That's why they can't call me. Oh, you flew out another one of those flatliners. I see what you're doing there. This is another one. You're throwing them out like they're working. I almost feel like you hear the laugh that I get afterwards, and you're just like, I'm just going to keep bombing

because Tony's going to hit it out of the park. That's what I'm saying. That's your new partner. I love it. I just need somebody to ask her questions. You have a lot of girlfriends? Excuse me? You have a lot of girlfriends?

Friends, yes. Or guy friends? I have a lot of friends. Do they think you're funny? Yeah, I think I'm particularly nervous right now. I think that your friends tell you that you're funny. Okay. And I think, but I think doing stand-up is like the next level of that.

So you just have to keep working hard. Like I would never discourage you. It's been two weeks. Yeah. But I think. It's true. You're going to break through. Right now you could tell that you're a librarian doing stand-up because you made this room

so quiet that I noticed a few people actually opened up some books. It's the librarian energy. There it is. Oh, you sons of bitches. How dare the

audience bring its own material? The audience just group improv. Is this a first? Yes. That's a very good group improv. Yes, exactly. Wow. The audience getting applause from Joe Rogan.

I love that. I told Brian in the very beginning when Pat said, how you doing tonight, that this was a good crowd that I could tell. These people have been here before. Yeah. She doesn't tell people to be quiet in the library. She just tells them a joke. And they shut the fuck up. We got to keep this

girl around. That was amazing. I have to say that because you're a comedian. You got to take shit. I got to treat you like a dude. Yeah. Treat you like a dude. Yeah.

Treat you like a dude comic. We got to make you strong. Because right now, the only thing that you're going to book are books. You know what I mean? Tony, how dare you? Sort of makes sense. How dare you? More library jokes.

Right when you thought we could put it on a shelf. He just went into roast mode. Oh, wait a second. Oh, son of a bitch. What do you say we turn the page on this? Colette, it was nice. Keep it up. Keep it up.

Oh, my God. Colette, whatever you do, do not quit. Here, come back up here. Keep it going for Colette. No, get back up here. Keep it going for Colette. No, get back up here. No, I just want to make sure that we're not hurting you. You're two weeks in. You have to know that everybody's bombing two weeks in.

Everybody. Everybody. Hard. Seven years in. Just like you're talking about Netflix being a bad thing because you wrote it and you had a perspective on it. That's great. And, like, I remember a couple weeks in, literally, I remember having this terrible

joke. Horrendous. I think it was punchline-less about how pedestrians are the biggest assholes and pedestrians this. I went on this dumb rant that made no sense. It's the one thing that everybody is, is a pedestrian. I think you just have to keep writing and not talk about something as awesome

as Netflix as a negative. With your likability, you're going to, I think you just have to keep writing and not talk about something as awesome as Netflix as a negative. And with your likability, you're going to, I think, do really well if you want to, if you want to do this. To be honest, it sounds like you really like Netflix, so you could make a joke about liking it. I think I tried to cram a longer – no, it's my fault. I tried to cram it into 60 seconds. I should have chose something different. That's been done a million times. Anyway.

Record your sets, though. Always listen to your recordings. That's the biggest tip. Just listen to it. Thank you. Colette Reitz writes, She's on Twitter at YouMayCallMeTish. That's an interesting one.

Letter U, MayCallMeTish. I wonder why she would want to be called Tish. Let's pull another name out of the bucket. Gary Curtis, everybody. Come on. Gary Curtis. Gary Curtis. So it recently came out that Russell Wilson,

the quarterback for the Seattle Seahawks, was practicing abstinence with his beautiful singer girlfriend, Ciara. Now I hear this and I'm like, well, it makes sense. Russell Wilson also blew the Super Bowl. He's used to making terrible decisions. Now my girlfriend hears this and she's like, oh my God, great idea. Sends me a text message and was like, hey babe, what do you think about practicing abstinence? My first thought was like, that's crazy, but I'm a gentleman. So I was like, if you want to break up, we should probably do it in person.

See, now I can joke around with my girl like that, though, because like she's very confident. There's nothing worse than an insecure girl. Like my ex was super insecure and she would always ask me questions like, hey, do you think that girl over there is prettier than me? Which, ladies, we're never going to answer, honestly. But what I always wish I said was, yes, she is prettier than you, but I'm with you. You know, stop being selfish. I'm upset about it, too. We both losing in this situation.

I love it. Gary Curtis. I'm going to guess you've been doing this a few years, right? Two. Two years. Where are you from? I'm originally. Gary Curtis. I'm going to guess you've been doing this a few years, right? Two. Two years. Two years? That's pretty good. Where are you from?

I'm originally from New Jersey. New Jersey. What part of Jersey? Yes. I was born in Newark, then lived down by the shore. All right. Are you from Jersey? No, but I know Newark.

I used to live in Jersey City. You get to Manhattan easy. Huh. And you started stand-up in Jersey or out here? No, so I actually lived in Pittsburgh before I moved out here, and I got my start, like, hosting shows around the city, and from hosting shows, I decided I wanted to get into stand-up. How'd you end up in Pittsburgh? I went to Pitt.

Oh. University of Pittsburgh, yeah. You put your athlete? No. No? No. I was supposed to walk on that. It never happened.

What happened? Parties. I started making money throwing parties. Ah, started making money throwing parties. One second you got the protein cream. Next thing you know, you're slinging Oxycodone. A lot of entrepreneurs on the stage tonight. I'm a businessman.

Yeah, that's fun. So how long have you been in L.A.? I've been in L.A. two years now. You're funny, man. You're relaxed, too, especially considering you been in L.A.? I've been in L.A. two years now. You're funny, man. You're relaxed, too, especially considering you did a minute. You came out and you were just like super calm into it. You didn't rush it. You could tell that you've been doing it for a while.

It looks like you do a lot of sets. You got good laughs, you know? Yeah. I think he has light-skinned confidence. Ah! Ah! Wow. Like, when have people never listened to him you know what i'm saying he ain't worried about that but he also he's what is light-skinned confidence he knows what the fuck well how does it but i'll explain it please please it's a it's a it's a no homo, good looking, light skinned black dude.

He's going to get attention from girls. It's also known as the Drake effect. The Drake effect, yeah. It's like a pretty girl. Dudes are going to listen at least for a minute. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? He knows he's got that.

But he also writes. The first joke sounds like a Tonight Show written format joke, and then you went into personal shit more and make it sound like more you. But it sounds like you sit down, you think about it, and you write. It's like you watch a lot of comedy, studied it, and then said, this is the way I'm going to approach this shit. So you're taking this serious, so that's good shit. That's great shit, man.

You have a great connection. I feel like everybody, you're paying attention to the audience when you're taking this serious. So that's good shit. Yeah. That's great shit, man. You have a great connection. I feel like everybody, you're paying attention to the audience when you're saying this stuff. I see a lot of comedians come up here, and I had you pegged for a few years in from a tougher comedy city, like Atlanta or Denver, Seattle, or something like that. What do you do for fun out here, other than stand-up? Play basketball. Uh-huh. See, he's not that light-skinned, Ian.

He's still hitting the old court. Light-skinned still play basketball. Yeah, but everybody knows they're not as good. You know what I mean? I feel you. You can't jump that high. Well, that's fun. You play basketball.

You're doing stand-up. What else? Tell us something interesting about you. Something interesting about me. What are you on the run from Pittsburgh for? Yeah. Part of it was my ex-girlfriend. I had to get the fuck away from her, and I worked in banking.

Thank your ex-girlfriend because you're in the right spot. Yeah. Yeah. Chase you in the right direction. Yeah. You definitely could do it man You know You're way past the hard part

The hardest part is figuring out How to get the people to laugh at you You've already figured that out Now it's just getting better at it It's just time and focus But congratulations Yeah Good shit

Made it through the hoop There he goes Gary Curtis You're out in the big ocean baby First appearance On Keltoni. He's on Twitter at GKurtCSB. We're going to move on to the part of the show.

It's really fucked up, Red Band, that you didn't ask the black guy to come on Friday to the fucking Ice House. Oh, shit. And he's light-skinned, too. Come on, man. That's a very good point. Boom. There's no... I'm Come on, man. That's a very good point. Boom. I'm just saying, man. There's no light skin spots.

Brian either goes hard white or hard dark. We have a certain quantity of... No, actually, it's already booked. The only reason I added that guy is because we had one person drop off. This is the final part of our show where we have only – we used to have two regulars,

but one's under 21, is no longer allowed to come to the club or be on the show. Yeah. Won't let her come through the back? Yeah, they won't let her do anything anymore. What? Yeah. Somebody gets shot and then everything changes. Yeah.

Oh, not too soon. It's true. That's why and when it happened, yeah. They crack down on everything. But I think there's different rules for performers. There is, but they're not even acknowledging it. I guess that wasn't true. Who was that anyway?

That was Ali Makovsky, who's still crushing the scene. She's out there, just a monster who's so funny. So she can work at other clubs. She just can't work here. Yeah. She was on the show we did the improv the other day hopefully she'll be back in 10 months but this other new regular

has been writing and performing a new minute every single week she's known for her nervousness and goofy style put your hands together for Melissa Esslinger, ladies and gentlemen. So I didn't know I had a middle finger until I moved to L.A. I was driving and it just like shot up one day.

And like it surprised me. It was like a jack in the box. It was just boop. That wasn't the sound I was going for, but that's okay. a jack in the box. That wasn't the sound I was going for, but that's okay. And it wasn't like a half-ass little hipster finger either. It was like a full-blown, firm, fuck you finger. Of course, me being me, I immediately felt bad and then was like, sorry. I just think like, I lost my track he had two fingers up it's kind of like Edward fuck you hands

and I was wondering like how that started like the middle finger thing like I wonder if like the Native Americans like had it as like a greeting but then Christopher Columbus came and was just like fuck you that's mine and he took it good job and was just like, fuck you, that's mine. And he took it. Good job.

Boom. Applause break to close. Melissa Esslinger with another new regular minute. And that was all on one topic, which I believe that's the first time that we've seen that. Normally you have shorter jokes and move around. That was all middle finger. When you did the middle finger and then you said like then you immediately apologized you could maybe put something in there like i made it a peace sign instead and you know and if you had two fingers it was like nixon

or something i don't know like you could maybe add something to that yeah definitely what was the person doing when you flipped them off i don't even remember i was so surprised by my i don't even remember honestly it was something stupid when we were driving oh yeah sorry i think uh nervousness is a funny mechanism like like usually as a comic you try to run from it and try to not look nervous yeah but i like the possibilities of your nervousness when i was looking at it it's like yeah like messing up almost helps you more. If you're nervous, people root for you to get it right. Come on, hang in there.

And then if you can come with some good jokes when you're nervous, like boom, all right, a reward. They stuck with you and you made them laugh. Yeah, makes it extra surprising. I love that. I'm sorry, is it natural? Or do you accentuate it on stage? Oh, no, I love that. Is it, I'm sorry, is it natural? Or is it like, do you like accentuate it on stage? Oh, no, I don't.

It just happens, yeah. It's good. Own it. Own it. It's almost braver to own it, to be honest, because I know I covered up mine when I started, and it probably didn't work, but it's better to own it. This is actually the best I've ever seen her.

I mean, I think the Sarah Silverman episode, her nervousness was so shaky that you could almost not talk. Right. You're doing better. The last couple weeks, you've really shown a lot of improvement. Thank you. How much do you get up? An absolute minimum of four nights a week, but usually almost every day. Beautiful.

That's it. That's what you've got to do. Yeah. What's up? That's great. Melissa Esslinger, you did it again. A brand new minute. We have a little bit of extra time left,

so I'm going to bring up one of our old favorites here on Kill Tony. He hasn't gotten up in a very long time. He's a real, this is a real human being who we love and we root for. What you're about to see is real. He's not playing a character. This is a brand new minute of stand-up from Eric Carter, ladies and gentlemen. Yes, I am a real person. And I am from the state of Mississippi.

And my home state can be a bit tricky. Between the obesity and the pregnant teenagers, it's hard to tell who's knocked up. But I've been feeling homesick lately. I've been feeling homesick lately. Haven't been home in a year. One thing I miss the most are them trailer park whores. They are the best. You can smoke cigarettes in the bed. You can piss off the porch. The things I took for granted. This year, thank you, this year has been 10 years as I've been to England. And what I learned about the women in the UK, they either look like Kate Middleton or Nanny McPhee.

There ain't no middle class. I blame socialism. Wow. Dropping some smart shit out. Not expecting that from Eric Carter. I love that. That's a brand new minute. You look really fucking pumped. Like you just knocked somebody out or something. That was funny, dude. That's a brand new minute. You look really fucking pumped.

Like you just knocked somebody out or something. That was funny, dude. That was funny. Yeah. The cigarette and bed shit and the pissing off the place was very funny. I absolutely love it. We've watched you for, I feel like, a couple years now from afar on this show. You're in, then you're on the road for six months, and then you're back, and then you're whatever.

And you always do so good, and it's always so, so funny to watch you because you're so you, you know? How long have you been doing stand-up? Three and a half years, started in 2012. You're funny, dude. You're really funny. You could totally, yeah, 100%, you could totally make it. Thank you. Whatever you do, don't lose that accent.

No, no, no. Be yourself, man. I'm sorry. I'm jealous of that accent and afraid of it at the same time. One second I'm funny, the next I'm gonna kill you. That's funny shit, man. That's funny shit. Well, there you go. Eric Carter, congratulations.

Very good delivery, too. Thank you. Crowd favorite, Eric Carter, congratulations. Very good delivery, too. Thank you. Really good delivery. Thank you. Crowd favorite, Eric Carter. There he goes. Eric Carter, everybody. Here's my favorite. He's great, right?

He's very funny. That's good. That guy's good. A lot of people are fiery about Eric Carter on the internet. That's hilarious shit, man. We got a drawing. Look at that. Ryan J. Beltru that. From beginning to end, live, right in front of your faces.

Wow. Is Joe black? Is Joe black? I'm pretty sure. He gave you Muhammad Ali. Not only did he make you black, he gave you a fro as well, Joe. Fro Rogan, if you will.

Oh! Once all digital recordings are deleted in the great apocalypse, the only evidence of this show will be a black guy on stage. That's true. People are going to try to figure out who that was. We did it. Thank you so much, Ian Edwards, Joe Rogan. Guys, anything you guys want to promote?

Joe Rogan experience, of course. I mean, everybody knows about that. Ian? Twitter, IanEdWiscomic. I love it. IanEdWiscomic is going to be with me in Denver. And Wisconsin. Oh, yeah.

Madison, Wisconsin. Yeah, we're doing this. And Red Band and I are going to bring Kill Tony to Pittsburgh and Columbus, Ohio. Jesus! Be careful! November 27th, we'll be in Pittsburgh. And November 29th, we and Columbus, Ohio. Be careful. November 27th we'll be in Pittsburgh and November 29th we'll be in Ohio. That's Thanksgiving week, so check it out. Check out all of Ryan

J. E. Belt's prints at ryanjebelt.com and Patty Reagan's music. Follow him at Patty Reagan.