KILL TONY - KILL TONY #128

Episode Date: November 23, 2015

Sam Tripoli, Byron Bowers, Melissa Eslinger, Tony Hinchcliffe, Pat Regan, Josh Martin, Brian Redban - Date: 11/09/2015 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony. Tony and me are coming to Pittsburgh and Ohio this week. Unfortunately, Pittsburgh is completely sold out, but Ohio, there's some tickets left. We're doing a Kill Tony followed by a comedy show. So, you can get combo tickets to both shows. Just go to DeathSquad.TV and click on Tour Dates. And of course, don't forget, we do Kill Tony every Monday live from the Comedy Store in the Belly Room. That's a free show.

And every Tuesday, we have the Roast Battle, which is the verbal violence podcast. And every Friday, we have the Ice House comedy show. All these can be found by just going to DeathSquad.tv and clicking on tour dates. And ShopSquad.tv, proud to announce, there is three, that's right, three new Death Squad shirts. The pre-orders for two of them are up right now, and one of them is almost sold out.

So check out ShopSquad.tv for all the new Death Squad merchandise. And check out TonyHinchcliffe.com for all of Tony's dates and merch. All right, guys. Here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Yes. Hey, this is Red Band coming to you live from the road-famous comedy store for a brand new episode of Kill Tony, Volume 3.

Give it up for Tony Hinchcliffe. Yes. Hello, hello. Hi, everybody. how are you? Welcome, it's a Monday night. Make some fucking noise. We're all here, stacked on top of each other for another fun episode of Kill Tony.

Hello to the hundreds on Periscope and the thousands on Ustream. Keep it going for Pat Reagan, everybody. He's just playing music for you guys, live. Before the show. We got a new angle tonight, huh? Yeah, we're doing it a little different today. We have commercials for our show in Ohio and Pittsburgh at the beginning now.

Oh, wow. Look at that. Ohio and Pittsburgh, the 27th and 29th of November. That's where we're going to be. We're bringing Kill Tony there. Kill Tony live and then a stand-up show afterwards. You can get combo tickets to both shows if you're crazy as fuck and want to watch comedy for four hours straight. Yeah.

Hey, we're selling those combo tickets, by the way, motherfuckers. Laugh it up. Almost everybody is getting the combo. Yeah, exactly. Why wouldn't you? Yeah. We're going to talk shit about comedians for an hour and a half. We better put on a hell of a show afterwards, right?

Right. That's how it works. Keep it going for Ryan J.E. about the house artists, ladies and gentlemen. Look at him. He's got a blank sheet of paper in front of him. Throw that up in the air real quick, Ryan. Throw that blank. Just hold it up.

Just hold that up. Look at that. A white sheet of paper, everybody. He's drawing tonight's episode from beginning to end. He does it every week. Ryan J. E. Belt. Put your hands together for him. And we're in.

I feel sort of naked up here without that laptop. I sort of liked it right there. Yeah, it's kind of nice to hide from, you know. You don't get to see our cigarette collections. I mean, I have to buy two packs at the cigarette store next door to be able to use my card. Or we could just quit. Who carries cash anymore?

What kind of disgusting people have, like, dirty fucking cash on them? Go get some credit cards like adults. Let's do it, shall we? Kill Tony, where we talk to comedians who sign up for a minute. We always have two of the funniest comedians, two of my best friends on every single episode. Always special guests.

They're here tonight as well. Put your hands together for tonight's guests, Sam Tripoli and Byron Bowers, everybody. Two of the best in the world. We're talking about Jedi Knights of Comedy right here. Bad motherfuckers. Cold-blooded assassins.

Two of my best pals. Guys I've done the road with. Guys I work with every night. Two of the funniest human beings. Comedy Central, HBO, everything. Here they are. Is it weird that the white guy's wearing the Raiders hat and the black guy's wearing the cowboy hat? Is that funny?

Yeah, it is a little backwards. Yeah, things have changed now. Yeah. We've come so far. We can wear whatever we want. You wear that very well, though, Byron. A lot of times I see a guy in a fedoraora I'm like, only Freddy Krueger can pull that shit off. That's a

Forest Ranger hat. It's right in between. It's like John Mayer rock star shit. Hey, y'all see how many niggas doing cowboy movies during Christmas now? Yeah. We had Django last year. We got the new movie this year. It's on. You know what I mean? Black Cowboys. Quentin Tarantino

is a fan of kill tony by the way really yeah it's true where down the street is uh yeah anyway uh welcome back you guys have both done this show before is it good enough we're gonna no we're gonna move on because uh you know i don't like bragging about my quentin friendship with quentin tarantino you know no big deal it turns the audience against me he does have the biggest head you've ever seen in the entire quentin tarantino. Have you seen him before in real life? No.

It's amazing. Both of them I heard. Looks like a jack-o'-lantern. Yeah, it's really crazy. And it's tall, too. It's like that big of a head. It's really weird. You know who's got a huge skull?

Brad Williams. You ever see Brad Williams' skull? Yeah. That thing has two floors. God damn, it is true. A lot of the people in this room have no idea who Brad Williams is. You guys know who Brad Williams is? Thank you. The guy up front does. Hell yeah.

Can y'all hear me? Do I need some volume? My voice is kind of soft. I think it sounds seductive. Yeah, it's very romantic and shit. So welcome back to the show, guys. You know what it is. We talk to comedians after they do a little bit of time. We get to meet them, talk about their set,

find out a little bit about them, and figure out what else they can maybe talk about, get feedback from comedians. You guys ready to start this shit or what? Here we are. You ready? Here we are. This is how it's done.

Hey, Red Band, when will this come out? It's out right now. 2016? It's out right now. It's out right now? Yeah. Whoa. It's live right now. You got an interesting looking? Yeah. Whoa. It's live right now.

Yeah, interesting looking audience. That's how I know you're getting bigger. Last time it was, these people right here look like they got a future. You know what I mean? Yeah. These are real fans right here. Exactly. Every episode.

That's going to be somebody's mama one day. Right there. How do you know it's already not? I got a feeling. She got hope in her eyes still. You know? Baby came out that pussy. She'll be real serious and checking her watch. Like, I's already not. I got a feeling. She got hope in her eyes still, you know. Baby came out that pussy. She'll be real serious and checking her watch like I got a girl.

Baby come out of that pussy. It's true. Especially that one right there. Wow. Wow. This Waldo-looking guy that she's with seems really insecure right now with you spitting that hot water. No, he got his button undone. And it's cold outside.

You see he got his chest undone. He's got cold outside. You see, he got his chest undone. He's got a lot of buttons undone, but he also just had his hands folded over his crotch. He's got a lot of jeans going on. He looks like he could hide and gap. Just hide the jeans. He got on cowboy boots, too. He ready.

When you get this hat, boy, you're going to be in there. You know what I mean? Maybe you guys can do a little hat trade-off tonight. Who knows? He gets the hat, you get the girl. I pulled the name out of the bucket, guys. Getting an uninterrupted 60 seconds of... Oh, there we go.

Probably the worst timing ever for the funniest sound effect. Well, you completely skipped over the rules of the game. Oh, you're exactly right. So I did deserve that. Comedians, you get 60 seconds. You know your 60 seconds is up when you hear the sound of a game. Oh, you're exactly right. So I did deserve that. Comedians, you get 60 seconds. You know your 60 seconds is up when you hear the sound of a kitty. So adorable.

You can barely hear it, but you better wrap it up then or else you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. The difference in volume between those two things, it's like shocking. That bear sounds like it's on crystal meth. Yeah, it's like... Tweaking balls.

Breaking bear. Yeah, breaking bear. Really, I mean... He was fishing for the outside hand. Sometimes you just have to float something out there whether it's funny or not. As long as it sounds like a joke, it'll get a laugh in a room like this. You know what I mean? Yeah, I do.

See, then they didn't laugh at that because I tightened them up. They're like, what do you think, we're stupid? Alright, I pulled the name out of the bucket. First 60 seconds tonight goes to Logan Gunselman. Logan! Logan! Hello.

Hi, guys. Have you read, there's this news story right now. In Iceland, there's an app so that you can find out if the person you just met at a bar is related to you or not. Because they've been fucking on an island for so long

that that's like a possibility. And I want to know how many times the inventor of that app accidentally fucked his first cousin before he was like, shit, I've got to do something about this. Maybe he's into his cousins. I know what my type is and it's going to get a little uncomfortable in here I'm sorry

because my type is 18 year olds baby boys like I don't fuck a high schooler by the time I'm 30 I'm going to fuck a high schooler after I'm 30 type of thing I don't want to go over every time I'm going to fuck a high schooler after I'm 30 type of thing.

I don't want to go over every time I'm so nervous. That's exactly a minute right there. Whoa. Whoa. Do you really fuck young guys? Is that really the thing? I haven't. You haven't.

But you're open to the possibilities. Sure, I guess. Yeah. Sure, you guess. So you're saying that you haven't fucked a high schooler when you were in high school, so you want to fuck one now? Is that what you're saying in that? Yeah, I guess so.

I just, like, yeah, 18-year-olds are pretty cute. Yeah. Did you write it to write it as a joke, or do you really feel that shit? If I talk about fucking 18-year-olds, I'm probably going to fuck an 18-year-old. So that's what we're trying to figure out. I agree with that. I have a feeling if the law wasn't 18,

your joke would be way different, right? How young would you be willing to go if there was no law? If there was no law. Let's say you're in a third-world country where anything goes. Where would you be willing to go if there was no law? Let's say you're in a third world country where anything goes. Where would you go? I mean, you're recording this. I'll pause you.

We just hit pause on the entire podcast. It's a pause cast. Nobody's listening. No, I honestly one time saw a bunch of high schoolers in football uniforms, and without meaning to in my head, I was like, damn. And then I was like, oh, no. So that was it. Is that your, like, getting turned on right there?

Damn. Yeah, that's pretty much it. So these were high school football players? Were they in their jerseys and helmets? Like, where were these guys? They had their helmets off, but they still had their shoulder pads on. They were on a crosswalk. I remember it way too well.

It's so creepy. No, it's not creepy. Welcome. Welcome. Yeah. So much. How long were you in the bushes for? So it could have been a 14-year-old.

You know, it's a freshman in high school. So a freshman in high school gets you soaking, maybe. Soaking? What the fuck are you saying? This is not dysentery. Captain Creepy came and just raised the game. Jesus Christ, man. This is a Monday night. There's little kids watching

on you stream right now. First of all, I love where you open up, this might get a little creepy. You know how bad it's gotta be for a woman to creep guys out? I mean, I'll fuck weird shit. Alright? So, you can go totally crazy. How weird? What kind of weird shit are you with? Throw some scenarios.

I'll give you yes or no. Just throw something out there. P-bag. Woman with a P-bag. Yes. Chick with cornrows. Yes. Poopy pants.

Poopy? No. I don't know. But once she takes the poopy pants off, yes. She got to be real fine to bring her down. If she's like a 10 and she's shitting her pants, I'm like, okay, we got a 6. Fuck that. It's like a 4 change, right?

Poop equals 4. First podcast uses evidence as being recorded live. Here's my thing. It's like comedy is so interesting because not everything you have to say has to be real. But when you go on stage and you do a dirty joke like that, people are going to think that's what you really think. And you have to be ready for that energy, you know. And when you get off stage, like I'll do a lot of dick jokes and I get weird energy off stage. But that's fine because that's what I really think.

So if you're going to do those jokes, you have to be ready for red band ass if you're soaking or not. You know what I'm saying? Or a bunch of boners. It might be a creepy audience. You never know. But my point is you got to... I don't know, man. It's just interesting. What was the first joke that wasn't about 18-year-olds? The guy fucking his

cousins. Oh, the app. Yeah. Is that true? Is that a real app? That is a real app? What's it called? I just looked at the article. I didn't look at the app. I do that, too. I just look at the title. I'm like, okay, I think I know what happened there, right? But there was a couple lines in there that I think you didn't need. And that's really why every time I come on this show,

I'm always telling you guys, you guys got to cut down the fat. And you were like, because it's an island where everybody's fucking each other, right? I don't really know if that's necessary to the punchline. The punchline really is how many cousins did this guy fuck before he's like, I think I need an app for this, which is what you need to get to quickly. And also more on that is like all the people that are fucking their cousin probably don't have apps on their phone. They're also in the middle of nowhere so you know cousin fuckers aren't asking the bar for

the wi-fi connection uh so you know that's all there's so much there's so much to keep discovering in that like all that and the stuff you have and to just fucking explore it because that's a really great premise and the reason yeah why i asked you about the 18-year-old stuff, hooking up with 18-year-olds right afterwards and what we ended up finding out is that if you're going to talk about that stuff, talk about what's honest to you so that it's going to be easier for you to add on to that material. You're honestly a pedophile. That's what I've learned from that little set.

Do you think even saying 18 just makes you draw attention to it more? And the funniest part of the whole thing was after the set when we said, why 18? And you said, because they're cute. And if that's true, then you have to talk about why you're into something more cute than manly right now, if that makes sense. Not really. That's interesting.

Yeah. Not really. Enjoy that. I think you're funny. I think you have a great jokes and you know it's just you know sometimes with your punchline you just really have to make it crystal clear you've been on the show a couple times you've had like murderous sets uh how are things going for you logan gunselman they're pretty good that's your real last name huh gunselman

that's some real that's a great name like did you like drop breadcrumbs your whole way here? A little Gunselman? Do you know the penis grows thicker in age? There's a lot of benefits for boys. You've used all your dirty cards in the first five minutes of this show. We have to really

hit the e-breaks here. Run! She don't give a fuck how arms have crossed right now. I know. She's super comfortable. She's cold as ice. Logan gets it. I mean, Red Band's a star maker.

Lil' Esther's on her third pilot, so keep it up. So, Logan, what do you do for fun? What's something else that's going on? Besides 18-year-olds. What a perfect heroin belt that you have on also. Oh, thank you. Perfect for heroin. Thanks.

People can't see it on the podcast, but thank you. Well, yeah, and there's three different cameras on you. Oh, cool. It was free. Free. Logan, let's get more to my question that Brian just fucking X'd all the air out of as fast as he could. What else are you talking about? What else are you into?

I feel like stuff that's super boring. I don't know. Let's hear it. Great. Sounds like you're set for a career in stand-up comedy. She's the boring comedian, everybody. Totally original. Start doing your own.

All those other ones are trying to be entertaining. We found someone with real originality. No, I love it. I think you're very funny, man. She's very good. You're great. Absolutely. Super likable.

You're going to be amazing. How long have you been on stand-up? Like two and a half years. That's so great. That's really good stuff. Yeah, you're unstoppable. You're doing great. Anything from you, Pat Reagan?

They'll snatch you up in a time. You do. How do you know Logan? I'm curious about that. Because just for years doing mics. And looking like an 18-year-old boy? Yeah. Am I young enough?

No. Come on, put on some shoulder pads, Pat. I think you're going to be just fine. Logan, there you go. There you go. There's Red Band finding his footing. He likes that feeling You look like a teacher though

So it works You know what I mean You got a school teacher look So Yeah You in season right now Yeah Just grab one of those big purses

And walk around high schools And you in Yeah you don't even have to teach Just walk around Yeah just walk around Logan Boys Go back to class

What are you doing I think it's a great time To be a woman by the way I think women What are you saying You don't even have to teach. Just walk around. Yeah, just walk around. Logan, so much fun. Boys, go back to class. What are you doing? I think it's a great time to be a woman, by the way. I think women just run everything. I think it's a great time to be a woman in America. I mean, it's a great time to be a female comic in LA. I think there's a lot of opportunity. I'm telling you, I couldn't agree more. I think, and there's no way to say this

without sounding sort of like a dick, but I think we're equal now. Yeah. You know, everybody's been like, equality, equality, equality. It's like, we're even. Here we are right now, and nobody's saying it. They're making an all-female Ghostbusters, man.

It's over the fucking line. All right? I'm not going to believe this new Ghostbusters movie unless these chicks spend the entire movie trying to find the original cast of Ghostbusters. No, fuck that. I was watching Walking Dead last night, and two chicks kissed.

And I was like, come on. Y'all pushing this whole thing too far. Totally. Hold on. You're in a problem with that? Wait, wait. They're one of the best looking chicks on the show. It's the Walking Dead.

Two fours equal an eight. I'm like, come on, you bringing this into, that's like having a zombie police beat a black dude on the show. I'm like, come on, don't bring the issues into the show. That was weird. I don't know how you went with that. I watched the show

to see zombies eat, motherfucker. I don't want to see the social economic... What if they're just two lesbian zombies eating each other seductively? It's walking dead, not scissoring dead. Fuck this shit. Logan, so much fun. So nice to meet you. Have a great night.

There she goes. A star of America right there. That's a killer right there. Logan Gunselman. She's on Twitter at a dirty gun. Women always like to complain that

as they get older it gets harder to meet guys and all this stuff but now all my friends in their late 30s and 40s you know what they're doing?

They're all going down to Latin America and getting green card dick. Have you seen this? They're all dating third world guys and they're bringing them back up and let's say it doesn't work out they just want your green card dick. Have you seen this? They're all dating third world guys and they're bringing them back up.

Let's say it doesn't work out. They just want your green card. They've got a whole village of guys down there you can pick from. The whole tree. It's just not fair anymore. They're all good looking. It makes you sort of feel bad for Asian guys. You know what I mean? Because Asian girls are beautiful, but Asian guys are fucking losers.

You know what I mean? I'm just saying women with mail order bride. All right. What is this? A pro-Asian crowd? All right. You're not going to like it when they're nuking us in 20 years, motherfuckers. That's like redheads.

Women get back in the kitchen and fuck the Asians. That's like redheads. Like redhead chicks are smoking hot. Redhead guys look like they are from the Shire and they're just, right? That's true I'm gonna pull another name out of the bucket this is fun here we go

Jerry Brandt oh shit I don't see any movement on Jerry Brandt oh wow you're done in Hollywood Jerry Brandt just missed his spot you know what that means he He just got blacklisted. Fuck yeah, that's what that sounds like.

I pulled another name out of the bucket. Put your hands together for Lindsey Jennings. Lindsey! My friend, Lindsey Jennings! Yeah! Oh, oh, oh. This is going to be great. That's hilarious. Do I start now? Hey. Yeah, yeah, oh, this is going to be great. That's hilarious.

Do I start now? Hey. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, so when I was in preschool, I was pretty much a drug dealer. I hustled that pure white cane, sugar packets, you know, the little white ones. I had all the kids hooked. They'd be coming up to me trying to treat me to their Wunschables for sugar. They stopped eating.

They stopped sleeping. They'd be staying up through nap time. I'd be trying to treat me their wunchables for sugar they stopped eating they stopped sleeping they'd be staying up through nap time i'd be trying to sleep as soon as i wake up they'd be looking at me like yo lindsey you got any more of that sugar you got any more of that sugar but i got caught i got found out they got my accomplices my mom my grandma stopped taking me to denny's before school in the morning to get my supplies and my french fries. I served hard time. Out 15 minutes. That shit was rough.

Where do you think I got these tattoos? I rushed it and I finished before the minute. I had other shit to say. Good job. 52 seconds. That's the funniest freestyle rap I've ever heard spoken in my entire life. I'm doing the rap battle this Friday. Is that true? Is that true? I can fucking tell.

Lindsay Jennings. Fuck yeah, that's your first time on the show. Lindsay's great. She's a good friend of mine. What are you, her manager? Why do I gotta be her manager? He's been trying to sniff coke out of my asshole for the past two weeks. I don't know what she's talking about. Something, anything, everything.

If that's what you call a friend. There it is. Yeah. Boom. Boom. Hey. Yeah. Truth.

So rude. Stitches get stitches, bitches. No, that's what you told her. That's what you told her. I didn't know it was a secret when you said it in front of everybody yesterday. I whispered it to you. I didn't go, Hey, Linser!

Let me do coke out of your butt! I didn't do that. Your whisper isn't the quietest whisper. I'm on your side. Oh my God. We are live. Roast battle. I think I actually saw you do your first set on a Death Squad show in the main room.

Is that correct? Yeah. I mean, it wasn't really a set, and I knew nothing about comedy. But I told a story of a date I went on. You got called in from the audience. You went on stage. And did that get you hooked? Yeah.

I went up, and it was so awesome and I was like, Brian Moses was like, what about you Lindsay, do you have any bits? And I was like, I'm not a comedian and then I was like, wait secretly in the back of my mind, I really want to do it so it was really awesome Did you do the sugar packet thing? Is that what you talked about? No, that was, yeah, I mean the sugar

packet thing is real but I swear, they had to call in like the parents parents like they called the parents in to have a meeting with my mom it was like super serious but um no I told a story about when I went on a date and this guy it was like the only date I went on in LA and this guy fell down the stairs because he's like Mormon and he passes out during scary movies which he told me but I was like is this the story right now that's happening is this happening? Is that what's going on? Well, yeah. I won't keep

going, but... No, I love it. Was it? Are you telling the story that you told? Well, I'm trying to make it shorter, because I actually did like six minutes that first night, but it was like a bunch of bullshit. It was cool. You got to do it in front of Steve-O, and Steve-O was really impressed. He was talking about it later. What's your story? My first joke was roasting Steve-O. Yeah, that's right.

What's your story? What do you do for work um i have like six jobs um i am how many of them are blow in hand um three uh instagram model a job kind i mean i get paid to like post it sometimes but not a full-time like i said women rule the fucking world exactly everybody that's getting pulled out of the bucket tonight yeah yeah i'm roasting that girl or maybe battling that girl but not a full-time job. Like I said, women rule the fucking world. Yeah, exactly. Everybody that's getting pulled out of the bucket tonight. Yeah. Yeah, I'm roasting that girl or maybe battling that girl too

so that's great now that I know that she fucks 18 girls. You have so many piercings. I took a bunch out. It's incredible. I took a bunch out. I get the feeling

that, you know, all right, forget it. Okay, let's get your set if you don't mind. Yeah, when you perform, you go real fast and then you move like you're like through it

you move like you're dancing and it's kind of tough to concentrate sometimes well you really how many times you've been on stage you've only probably done it like what we're not talking the main stage either we're just talking the stage uh like six times six times so this is your sixth time and you the best thing is just listen to your set. Slow down 100%. Just make it more comfortable. Other than that, there's not much we can tell you other than just keep on going up. You did really good. I would like to have you at the Ice House Friday

if you want to do five minutes. Oh, no. You've got to do the fucking rap battle. This is everything that's wrong with show business. That's what you just saw, everybody. In front of your very eyes is what's wrong with all of entertainment right now. I'm going to do coke on your ass. Here's the thing, myself.

Let me guess. She can open up for you in Tampa. I'm already booked here on Friday. Unbelievable. You're already booked? No, I'm not fucking Red Band. You'll have your own podcast in two weeks. I already do.

Playboy Radio. Yeah, Playboy Radio. She's actually a... Can I say what you're a member of? Not the only thing you plugged recently. Suicide Girl. She's a Suicide Girl. What does that mean?

Nobody knows. Are we going to actually talk about her set or just hit on her the whole time? What are we going to do? I'm not hitting on her. I'm trying to make fun of her, but I can't get a word in with you two overprotective, trying to jump in and be the father figure she never had out of nowhere. You motherfuckers.

I'm trying to fucking... I'm watching it go down, too. You guys are being way too nice. Way too nice. Are you ticklish? Uh, fuck. I learned how to turn it off. But, like, sometimes, yeah. You know. It's like, because it's like a mind thing when somebody comes up to you and they're like,

tickle, tickle. You're like, ah! Fuck all that. All you got to do is slow down. Can we get back to this? Yes, absolutely. Can we piss all the other women off? I'm a scumbag.

The Black Forest Ranger says it. That's right. Words of wisdom. The Forest Ranger. Well, Brian took it to tickle land after all that. So, yeah, you've only done it six times. You totally have to tickle land after all that. You've only done it six times. You totally have to slow down. You have to relax. Not everybody...

If you're performing in a room full of complete cokeheads and everybody's just out of their mind, like zipping in the middle of a rock show or something, that energy's perfect, but you have to connect with these people and you're really pushing it. Sam, hit it. I agree with everything you said, Tony.

It just comes back to, again, you're six in, but it comes back to focusing what you're trying to say. You were just all over the place, and you're brand new. It's just like how clear can you make your punchline, and that's really what it is so people don't have to think, is she talking about drugs or is she oh is she talking about candy right there that's too much thinking you got a really phone so it just it's easily digestible that's really all i have to say i love it byron anything else uh like yeah slow down like i say and uh don't do like too much moving like of the body like that because you know twerking yeah she came

yeah you come across come across as a dancer and not a comedic performer right you know i mean so yeah this is a different ball game than rap and when you tell your story the conviction in it was selling more than the jokes yeah so Make sure you really take them to that place where you're selling candy. Even why you was bringing candy packets to school anyway. It's not like a real white school. What were they paying you with? Is another thing.

It can all be funny. You can take that little bit of truth and then exaggerate it and pump it up with crazy stuff. What do you trade in preschool for? Lunchables. There you go. That candy story didn't seem real.

I rushed it. You should have also addressed your look. I mean, when you walk up, people are like, what's going on here? You know? And it's just, I think that'd be a good opener. First thing? Like, yeah, the hoops or the tats on your neck and on your face. And, you know, just like it's a real quick way to get people to know who you are real quick.

Yeah. And it's set up so. Okay. You're like Brawny's daughter from the napkins. Right now, that's perfect. That's what I was going for. You know Brawny, like, you know, the lumberjack guy? Yeah.

Yeah. Is it Scott or Brawny? Brawny's daughter after Brawny went away to prison for a long time. All right. There you go. Lindsay Jennings, everybody. Snitch!

Thank you. Snitch! Twitter and obviously Instagram at Lindsay Jennings. That's Lindsay with an E. That was cold. Jennings. Woo! That was cold-blooded.

I thought about it, though. I thought about it. Jennings. That was cold-blooded. I thought about it, though. All right. We'll all do the same thing. This looks like an interesting name. Could possibly be fake. Put your hands together for Seizure Kaiser. Hey. Hey, everyone. Hey everyone, my name is C.J. I'm from Australia. I'm going to start off with an impression. Do you guys like impressions?

Yeah! Here's an impression of a guy I used to work with. Ching Chong, Ching Chong, how so yo? Sorry, I should explain. That's Steve and he's a racist. If you're wondering what's with my accent, like I said, I'm from Australia, but I'm also, I was born in Israel and I'm an Arab. So when I wake up in the mornings, I don't know if I should blow myself up or kick myself out of my own home. But my Australian side usually beats myself up and says,

fuck off, get a job. That's an Australian joke, doesn't translate here. But a little bit about me, I used to be Muslim. I can't be in a religion that doesn't have a sense of humor, so that's why I left. And, like, I don't know if you know much about Islam, but, you know, Muhammad, he had, like, four wives. One was a nine-year-old girl. And I know why they get pissed off if you draw the prophet Muhammad. Because let's face it, if I fucked a nine-year-old girl,

I would have won my picture plastered everywhere. I think that's it, right? That's a minute. Cesar Kaiser from Australia. Very funny. You know what I like about what you did? You put the strong jokes in the beginning and the end like a long set, and then you put the risk one in the middle.

Yep. So, yeah, that was very smart. Exactly how to do it. How long have you been doing it? Six years professionally. Yeah. Yeah. I've done this like four or five times now.

I don't know how many times, but that was the best I've seen here so far. It was really funny. All the way from halfway around the world. That's so fun. Great shirt. Sydney? Yeah, Sydney. That's so fun great sydney yeah sydney that's so fun what's different from australia and here how long have you been in america uh

actually only uh two months and i leave next week gotcha thank god where were you during the i don't know what kind of terrorist you is but shit get the fuck out of my first podcast i bought me though so yeah but work. Where have you been for two months? New York and L.A. How long have you been in L.A.? A month now. Been doing a lot of spots? Getting up a lot?

Not really. I'm just pretty lazy. So you flew here and just said, I don't feel like going out? Right. I needed a holiday, so I thought I'll come to L.A., check it out. I didn't expect to do spots,

but the comedian side of me was like, get the fuck out there, and I did. So you got out once? Twice. Oh, look at you, you go-getter. In a whole month. So what have you been doing in LA? Just banging American chicks, right?

I got a girlfriend, so I can't say that. Just sightseeing. I'm a big movie buff, so I've been checking out locations and stuff. Have you gone to the New Beverly Cinema in Beverly? Yep, been there. How is being a tourist in LA? Because I always thought the stuff you really want to see is behind closed doors. Well, it's also gross and dirty.

I remember coming here my first time going, Ew, really? This is what everyone talks about? All it was is shit. Yeah, you have to find the good spots. It's hard. It's in between all the shit

they tell you is good well when I got here I was staying in mid city so I was like this doesn't seem like the LA from the movies but when I moved

a little bit closer here it's like more vibrant but anything past what Washington's oh oh oh

oh that was offensive sorry! That was offensive. Sorry. That was offensive. Good job, bonus ranger. It's not offensive. I just know. I just know.

I had the same thought as if I knew it. I was like, oh. I could have stayed in Atlanta for this shit. Nailed it. Yeah, Wilshire and above is what you want to fuck with. Yep. Yep. Always.

That's right. Always. So how long are you in town for? Did you do your straight out Compton tour? You went all to see the sights and sounds? No I'm not going to Compton No Why?

Are you afraid? Oh fuck yeah Really? Yeah Thank you for your honesty Are there a lot of black people in Australia? No there's like four Yeah

Wow Australia's pretty racist And there's not many black people there There's the aborigines right? They're not black They're aborigines They're natives I really thought

your joke was going to be We gotta say this. Only black people can call another group like us. Welcome to America and our stupid rules. But man, that's good, man.

You just said it. How do you feel about black people yourself? Yeah, be honest, dude. I love them. What do you love about them? You only know four! You only know four, man!

Five now. Five! You know what I mean? Let me... What are you doing? You're literally mugging him. What are you doing? He's got it.

My first American mugging, yeah. There you go. You're going to be all right. You're going to be all right. Joke's on Byron when his jacket blows up in five minutes. My favorite part of that was Tony's like, hold on, I got a good one. Stop talking, Sam.

Seizure Kaiser. That's interesting. How far away is that from your real name quite a bit I legally changed it you did a long story but I used to be a DJ and I held the strobe light down a bit too long and

four people had epileptic fits and everyone called me that seizure guy so I thought fuck it DJ C that's what people remember from your music is the ailments that you delivered it was a middle club so like the angel of death they were like go go go go gone that's so i got a part of you in australia i want to see this season you still dj now and then i don't know no the seizure did i run you out it's a guy i got fired right after that so how is that tall miss just uh pressing buttons all the time thing took you out. I got fired right after that.

How was that talk? Do you miss just pressing buttons all the time? Do you miss that? I've got a laptop, so no. It's pretty good. Was it like, can we come in the office? Let me talk to you for a minute.

And then they saw, they was like, you killed four people tonight. Was it real calm or was they yelling at you? Like, get the fuck out of here. You were never working. The promoter had no problem with it.

It was the venue. Of course. Promoters were like, come back next week. I'm like, no, they banned me. Normally the foam at those dance clubs isn't coming out of people's mouths. But you do something extra fun and you make it organic. You know, here it will work. If you go to like Coachella or something and you make everybody have a seizure,

you will work. If you go to Coachella or something and you make everybody have a seizure, you will work every year. How long are you in town for? When are you leaving? I leave Sunday. What's your girlfriend like? She's pretty cool. I don't know if I should say this, but she's a professional dominatrix. Nice.

Oh, you mother fucker. Nice. Fuck yeah. Get comfortable. You're just blowing our minds right now. She's right. Amazing. How do your parents feel. They hate her.

Truth bombs here tonight on Kill Tony. I love it like this. Do you want to do the Ice House Friday? You can if you want to do one more spot before you leave. Yeah, I'd love to. It's at the Death Squad show. Check it out at 10 o'clock. I'll get a hold of more spot before you leave. Yeah, I'd love to. It's at the Death Squad show, so check it out. 10 o'clock, I'll get a hold of you.

Friday night, there you go. Seizure Kaiser. Congratulations. So hot chicks and terrorists. That's it. He comes in, he does two spots in a month, and out of one of those spots gets another spot, a book show. Seizure Kaiser.

Not many people go with the ailment for their first name when they change it, but he spells it like an actual seizure or a tragedy that they were directly involved in. What was that? What kind of weird? How many people would, would name themselves after a tragedy that they were directly involved? Right.

There's no like school shooter Jenkins out there. You know what I mean? Why is my name got to be Jenkins? I don't even know. Motherfuckers. You know what I mean? Why is my name gotta be Jenkins? I don't even know. Motherfuckers. You know what I mean? I swear to God, as soon as I thought of it,

sometimes I have something in the chamber and I'm just like, roll with it. Just go, go, go. Just get it out. And as soon as it hit me, I'm like, I don't know why there's a black last name on this one. And you got me.

You got me. That did not make much sense. There's never a black school shooter on this one. And you got me. You got me. That did not make much sense. There's never a black school shooter. Not yet. You say that like you're about to do it tomorrow. I thought about doing it when I was in school, but...

You thought about it? Yeah. But that's a whole other story. It's going to be a black kid who loves anime. That's my prediction. Oh, yeah. It's black.

It's niggas that like anime. You know what I mean? That's going to be the name of this It's niggas that like anime. You know what I mean? That's the name of this episode. Niggas that like anime. I pulled another name out of the

bucket, guys, out of the 40 people that signed up randomly earlier. And this name is Jesse Rothenberg. Yeah! Jesse Rothenberg.

Woo! Seizure Kaiser is IamSeizure on Twitter. I think that little people have a bit of a branding problem. You know, they said, we don't want to be called midgets anymore. That's derogatory. Call us little people. And I get it, you know? You don't want to be called midgets anymore That's derogatory Call us little people And I get it, you know You don't want to be called something derogatory

But they could do better They could do a lot better They could have said We don't want to be called midgets anymore That's derogatory Call us people And then, you know We could just see the little part

With our eyes. I mean, it's a lot like my group of people demanding to be called, like, big white dumb people. But we already have it, and we picked it 300 years ago. It's yes, sir. I do not deserve respect I'm so weirded out when someone says sir to me It's like

You know that I used to have dreadlocks right You never call a white man with dreadlocks sir I'm gonna stop there There was a minute there You got through it Listen to me Jesse You had it Let's just watch his eyes real quick As he kind of goes over what just happened.

Never stop. First special title. I was almost done. Let me tell you exactly what just happened there. It wasn't even. Get away from the ball. It's just attacking your head. Balls in your face.

T-bag, by the way. Balls in your face. Jesse, you had it. That's one of my favorite midget jokes I've ever heard. I never thought of it that way. I liked it. And then you came right out of it, and you go, you don't have a name for us, big dumb white people,

or whatever you said, but you just did a funny joke, so everybody's like, why are you dumb? The only thing we know about you is that good joke you did before, and you lost all momentum there. I mean, three people laughed, but I think they laughed on cadence alone yeah because i have no idea what the fuck you said at the end you know what i mean the idea of it though no it's that it's a great little person joke regular people boom you got it

and then why are you big and dumb you said dreadlocks is that what you said at the end that was just something so like you'd have something to talk to me about but and that's what i'm going to get back to is When did you get rid of the dreadlocks? It was in sixth grade. What? You didn't used to have dreadlocks. You used to have nappy-ass hair when you were a kid. No, I had dreadlocks put in

because my mom was awful. You had weave? No, you got haddished? Like if you if you not If you not... If you not the hair enough? You bought Indian people's hair and had it sewn in? No, no.

What the fuck did you do, Jesse Rothenberg? You better start talking, boy. Well, um... My parents... Or else we're gonna make you give back that fucking Cosby sweater you wore out tonight. It's a Mr. Rogers sweater. It's a fucking Burn It sweater. It's what that is. It's a Mr. Rogers sweater. It's a fucking Burn It sweater. It's got pockets.

Fire starter. Okay, Jesse. Back to your dreadlocks. I was just really into Bob Marley. At six? No, sixth grade. I was like 12 or something. Were you smoking pot already? No, but everyone thought I was.

Okay, cool. Are you nervous pot already? No, but everyone thought I was. Okay, cool. Are you nervous right now? Not as much as I was before. You've been on this show before and you were super nervous? This is my third time. Oh, okay. You're so memorable. I'm reasonably nervous.

I love looking out and seeing people just cover their face like this when I say things. I like your style, man. You started off really good, but yeah, you got to figure out whatever that second part of that joke is. Yeah, the end isn't great, but... I don't understand why you're calling yourself big and dumb. You're not that big and you're not that dumb. So what are we saying? The idea is that it's to set up the yester so it's just a way of getting

to... Oh. Holy shit. What's the moose? What's the moose? What is that noise right there? Give us a second. We need some of the heckle you went. Right here. I don't know what made me know that that would be the noise.

But that's exactly the noise you just made. I love that. Obviously, you're still in sixth grade. Okay, remember puberty? Hey, man, the time is so precious, don't even quit. I bombed a lot. Get away from the ball, Jesse. Get away from the ball.

Why do you like that ball? For breaking people's running away habits. I ball a lot. You run with that shit. You run with it. If you don't think you're doing well, fuck it. Just keep going. Talk about it.

Yeah. This ain't going well. And just be in the moment. People appreciate that. I'm telling you, it was. You ever been banging a chick and you came and your dick was going down, but you just kept fucking until over, over? It's beautiful.

That's what you do when you're on stage you just keep going yeah i know let them tell you to leave you know what i mean can someone please let them tell you i need that i need a transcript of that can someone please give me a transcript of that that is fucking confucius shit right there i'll tell you that right now you were I think you got nervous man I think it was a really funny take on it That they should just be called people But then you could also go into

What are better names than little people Like Mystic Beast Or something like that Or just cut that other part off And put it back in the oven Because whatever that was was not worth this It was like a joke mixed with a horrible joke Have you ever been friends with a midget before? No it off and put it back in the oven because whatever that was was not worth this. I'm still working it out. Have you ever been friends with a midget before?

No. Have you ever smelled one? Fuck, dude. That's the problem. You gotta smell. You gotta smell a midget. You gotta know what it is. You gotta taste one, spit it out.

That's how every other animal in the kingdom smells its prey. Yeah. You have to get down on one knee and say, Dude. Come over here, buddy. Come over here, little buddy, normally is better. I just go. Like this.

To a cat? They smell like Krispy Treats. Well, don't tell them. Don't tell them. That's the one I smelled. It was the little Mr. T on Hollywood Boulevard. Oh, wow. That's the one I smelled. It was the little Mr. T on Hollywood Boulevard. That's a different kind of smell.

He smelled like what? Rice crispy treats. He's a unicorn midget. He's scary because he's also Mr. T sometimes and other days he's Black Chucky. Which I love. The same guy.

Sometimes he's little Mr. T which I love. If you go to Hollywood, right? The same guy. So sometimes he's Little Mr. T, like a lowercase t. And then other days he's Black Chucky, you know what I mean? Which is just scary as fuck. Because the knife is as big as he is. I already got arrested for blowing dudes in the parking lot. That's a true story. Shut the fuck up. No, really, dude.

Allegedly. Allegedly. Allegedly. Hey, man, what you doing, man? I'm over here letting black Chucky suck my dick. What? Talk about Mr. Nice Guy, right? That's the name of the actual doll.

Are you bored yet? That's a real Chucky joke right there. You guys all missed. Yeah, a little. That's how we felt toward the end of your sentence. When you walked off, you know what I mean? You look like a Jesse Rothenberg, by the way. Oh, thank you very much.

I don't know what that is, like whatever type of Facebook type of weird shit you have going on, but you look like a Jesse Rothenberg. Who is that? I don't know. Who's Jesse Rothenberg? I'm just saying, he looks like he would be a Jesse Rothenberg. You just made that name up? No, that's his name.

Oh. Forgot about him already. There's a piece of paper here in front of me. Jesse, where did you get that sweater from? The Goodwill over in Silverwick. Wow. No, that's like the Goodwill that

has to just be the most gone through Goodwill. I mean, just everybody scrapes everything. I mean, the Goodwill at Silver Lake, that's got to be like the fucking, you know. That's the Goodwill. Fuck, I don't even know. I mean, I can't even. That's the Goodwill that other Goodwills donate to. Right.

Exactly. How many hipsters fingered that shirt? That's my question, man. Somebody fucked on that shirt in Coachella I actually haven't washed it yet Since I bought it You got shingles You gotta go to a better Goodwill too You know what I mean?

You gotta go Goodwill hunting I don't know In the moment. You think that's a stock joke I had loaded up? Motherfuckers, don't hey-o me. This shit is live. There he goes, Jesse Rothenberg. Jesse underscore the underscore human on Twitter.

Jesse the human. This is fun. Yeah, I feel better. This is a good one tonight. I like this. You guys having fun out there? Jamie Vernon in the back, holding it down on the HD camera. I wish I had.

That's when I started, man. I know. You get strong fast doing this shit. That's exactly why I wanted to start it. I was a fucking workaholic when I started. Spot, spot, spot, spot, spot. And anytime there'd be a great comedian in the back, like Sam or something like that, and I would get a little bit of feedback, I loved it. And I would go spot to spot to spot to spot the rest of the week

and forcing that new habit and fucking breaking it. I think that's a big part of growing as a comic, is being able to listen to people who've done it longer than you and hear what they think and if you don't like it, don't use it, but be open to, hey man, you might want to try this. When I did that, man, shit started changing.

Fun fact, the first person out of everybody and all the cool shit I've done to ever take me on the road with them and give me advice, Sam Tripoli, ladies and gentlemen. He told me to cut the fat when I was just a few months in, and I did, and it changed everything. Shorten your

setups, hit those punches. Did you know Sam was the first one to book me on my first paid gig? Wow. I opened up for a few people before, but never got paid for it, and Sam was the first one to actually Maybe one day we'll return the favor and give Sam his first paid gig. What did I do for you? Man, I was the one who freed you and introduced me to Alexis. One day we'll return the favor and give Sam his first straight day. What did I do for you? What did I do for you? Actually, man. Did you hear that?

I was the one who freed you. You introduced me to Alexis. You introduced me to Alexis Texas on this show. You put me on the show. I remember I saw you on that occasion. I said, he looks funny. Let him go. And I was like this.

I was like. I was like. That's where the idea of Django came from He got me And we just went out You know what I mean? I put cocaine in girls' asses And he would sniff them out When he talks about it's funny

When I talk about it You guys are like It's so weird I'm just a creepy guy Is that what it is? No, it's the Ra when I talk about it, you guys are like, it's so weird. I'm just a creepy guy, huh? Is that what it is? No, it's the writer's head. Put his head on the seat.

There you are. Oh, wow. Look at that. Oh, shit. You loved him in The Wizard of Oz. It's the scarecrow, everybody. Why? You're like a slave master with the head on.

Put it on. Put it on again. I'm going to look just like a slave master. I feel like what's his face from toys? Woody. Woody, yeah. There's a snake in my boot. There's a snake in my boot. All right. I pulled another name out of the bucket.

Put your hands together for Courtney Banks. Courtney! So, uh, I was the ugly sister growing up. It's true. Uh, you know you're the ugly sister when you're only taught practical skills. And, um, my sister sister that ugly fucking bitch she uh no she was really pretty she went to modeling etiquette camp i got taken outside and taught how to mow the lawn so i'll put it to you this way i know how to use a level okay

um it was fair i was so fat that my fat was trying to eat my face kind of thing um so it was really sad when i found out my sister um died it was a very tragic death uh waterbed accident she drowned very popular in the 90s um and when i found out basically I woke up with clean hands and a heavy heart and just soaking wet pajamas because she was skinny but she was a fucking fighter I'll tell you that much

alright I would like a picture of your face so she wasn't so confused right now catch this episode next week on Forensic Files, everyone. Pretty sure we just... Wait, rewind that. I was so nervous, I fucked up my words.

Did your sister really die? No, she didn't. No. All right. Was she pretty or was she ugly? She was pretty. I fucked that up, and I just kept going. That's a pretty intense joke.

I mean, kind of like that girl earlier, or that guy earlier, if it's not a real story, you're going to get people in the audience going, whoa, what the fuck is she talking about? How long have you been on stand-up? Three months. Right, yeah. Feels that way. How many spots are you getting a lot? You going up? You hustling? I go up like

six to nine times a week. That's great. Well, then you're good. You're just starting and you're trying shit and that's a lot of fun. Yeah. So, what else?

What other types of things do you talk about that's real fun? Can I ask a question? Who's your favorite comics? Like, who do you look up to? Bill Burr is my absolute favorite. Okay.

I just finished reading Canison's biography. I absolutely love him. Yeah, she got a dark soul. You know what I mean? I do. I just finished reading Cannison's biography. I absolutely love him. Yeah, she got a dark soul. I do. I have a dark soul. I like dark comedy. Which is great.

Which is great. But you mentioned Bill Burr. Bill Burr takes his take on real stuff that happened. Yeah. You're really like, you're asking us to believe something that's completely

made up in your head. And very early, I think, you can kind of sense it's not real. I don't know how the crowds do it, but they can always sense when you're talking about something that isn't real. And I think it's a natural habit of people when they first start out in the first six months to a year to just make up stuff. Because it seems funnier in the beginning on paper than it does on stage. I have a lot of people that ask me that come up to me after I do that and they're like

oh my god, my siblings died too and then I'm like oh my god no, no, no. Yeah, that's a reaction you want. You're opening the door. It's so terrible. Do you know what I think, though? I think your energy – I mean, I think this is like this in just performance in general and sets,

but your energy is determined the first almost three seconds you're on stage. You know what I mean? It's like immediately – how you immediately come on and carry it, engage the audience and carry yourself. And for this set, you just came on with a certain – some kind of energy that made the audience back off a little bit. You jumped right into something. You really, really jumped into it. And I think you have too much charisma. People want to know about you.

And immediately you went straight into your sister. You were insecure out the gate. You started looking down, and right there they sense weakness. When you're like you were uncomfortable, you're like, ah. So let's meet you, Courtney. This is your first time on the show, right?

Yeah. Okay. What were you doing before stand-up comedy? What do you do for work? Where are you from? I don't know. Where is she from? I just asked her, Brian.

Yeah? No, I obviously don't know. I just asked her, Brian. I obviously don't know. I'm from Virginia, but I went to Ohio State. Whoa! That's good. Welcome to the Illuminati, and you're in. How do you like a spot at the Ice House on Friday?

No, I'm kidding. House on Friday. I'm kidding. Horse of Truth coming out for the first time tonight. Fun fact, I actually had a waterbed. I actually was so

fucked up that I was with a girl and we were both wasted. I think we were coming down from acid or something. And my cat popped the waterbed and we

woke up both submerged in water and it had been there for a while. It didn't wake us up once we felt like a little drop or something. Your cat popped it? That's the only time you've ever had a wet pussy in your bedroom. Water bed popping joke.

Yeah! Well done. Yeah, that was a good one. Joke of the night. When you get to make a wet pussy joke, that was a good one. The joke of the night. When you get to make a wet pussy joke, you have to make it. That was very good. Courtney, tell us about you. So you went to Ohio State.

What did you do for work? I quit my job. I was a waitress. Where were you waitressing at? Cabo Cantina in Hollywood. Holy shit. It was terrible. I wanted to kill myself.

In Hollywood, Cabo Cantina. No, the one on Hollywood Boulevard. So I wanted to stab my eyes out every day. So it was one of those places that serves yellow and pink and purple drinks. Like the big margaritas. And they give away free drinks, cheap drinks to give people a headache and make them want to drink more to get rid of it. And nobody tips. It's a hub of arts and culture.

Pretty much, yeah. So tell us about you, Courtney. What's your favorite hobby? What do you do for fun? I don't really have any hobbies. I watch some TV. Not trying to get some. Why would that be my hobby?

Get some hobbies. Oh, trying to get some. Getting hobbies is a hobby. Hobbies should be dead. Getting some dick. What do you do for fun, Courtney? I go hiking sometimes. When was the last time you went hiking?

I just feel like that was a bullshit answer. No, I do. It's true. I agree with you, Pat. Why do you think? I go hiking with Josh Merowitz. He's the comedian with autism, everybody. He has autism, you fucking asshole. Josh Merowitz. Oh! Game dropper! Though the kid, he's the comedian with autism, everybody.

He has autism, you fucking asshole. She's trying to get brownie points. Did you walk with him or did you walk him? Oh! She walked him

up a canyon. He's getting better every week. Yeah. So, Courtney, what's it like being from Virginia?

What part of Virginia were you from? A big city? No, it's a small town It's called Stafford Nobody knows where it is Man, you are really good at taking questions Hey, pretty much I want to say something

Really rolling with it You're an attractive girl You know, you really are And to come up here going You know, I used to be ugly Whenever you start talking about your looks, I just think it's a lose-lose situation, whether you're attractive or you're not attractive.

I just think that you're making the crowd make a determination of how attractive you are, and I just don't. It's like Dave Cook's Instagram. It's so uncomfortable. You know what I'm saying? This is why I did this joke, though. So uncomfortable, by the way. This is why I did this joke, though, because it's This is why I did this joke though Because it's a true story

I was like very very overweight But you're not now But that's a personal experience to me So what do you do? You just don't talk about it? If that's the thing then you have to Nail it on the head like that Saying ugly and pretty Then you completely disintegrated everything

By saying that ugly bitch After you just said she was the bitch when you never say that ugly bitch in the joke no yeah that was fear you've seen her do it I haven't seen that way oh but I'm just guessing just yeah you you you ever get it you really you stop establish more how you look before and what's your sister look like. So people can get an idea. You should describe your sister. Because you're not that ugly. What's the...

You're not that ugly. That's great, dude. Good job. You're it. You got to set the bar for how pretty she is. You know what I mean? What's the real story? Normally when I have more time, I do.

But it's a short time. Courtney, up here. What's the real story? How many brothers and sisters do you have? I have one brother and one sister. My sister is fucking gorgeous. And she's always been gorgeous. Always been gorgeous.

And you used to be fat. And I was super fat. Right. Right. Okay. So what does she do now? She's a commercial interior designer. Does she have kids?

Of course she is. No. Is she happy? Yeah, I guess. Where does she live? D.C. D.C. Do you stay in communication with her?

Yeah. So is she happy? I guess. She wants to live in L.A. What kind of Where does she live? D.C. Do you stay in communication with her? Yeah. So is she happy? I guess. She wants to live in L.A. What kind of car does she drive? But you live in L.A. Yeah. She wants to live here.

What was the joke? What was the meat of the joke? There is no meat of that joke. There was no joke, right? Immediately get rid of it. So let's get back. Okay. There's nothing.

It's not going to work. I think you're only six weeks in. Again, like the other girl, there's not much we can say. The best advice is just listen to your set. Make sure there's jokes in there. Make sure there's a point. Really cut all the fat that you don't need to talk about. Be honest.

Talk about the real shit. If she's an interior designer and you're happier than she is or whatever, anything you want. But if you're going to cover it, keep it true and keep it real and keep it on what it really is. It's going to be easier for you to write around that if you keep it true. If you start going make believe, then what? You're covering up some waterbed murder. Nobody knows what's going on. Worst case scenario, you get tackled and arrested at the end of the set

for murder. Honestly, I mask a lot of my shit. My comedy up until now was observational, but it was dark shit, confederate flag school shootings and being in favor of. But I'm masking the fact that I almost shot my school and nobody know. But for me to talk about other people doing it takes away from it. You almost shot your school?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You two should get together and just go on a crime spree, a fake crime spree. But I got a sister also that y'all probably met who's light-skinned and look way better than me too. So I feel her pain on that. I guess it was just like, don't you ever want to do stuff to your siblings? Yeah, but when you start going on looks, you're attractive.

So when you start going, I used to be fat and ugly. Then they're like, oh, what do you think? You're hot now? You know, it's just like, it's a no-win situation. What else is different other than the two of you when you were kids? What's different now? You think two of you when you were kids? What's different now? You think she's prettier than you are now?

No, now we caught up. We caught up. All the personalities in your head, I think that's... Imagine how your sister feels right now. She's like, God damn, what happened to me? You blossomed early. Y'all didn't catch up. You caught her and she's falling back.

You know what I mean? Well, she may have... Okay, very good. Again, perhaps, I mean, every other... And that sound effect's a little bit creepier now at the comedy store. Yeah, that's true. You should do six of them. Well, you know, What we learned here tonight

clearly is that Courtney, your sister may have the looks, but she definitely also has the sense of humor too. And you can take that to the banks. Take that to the Courtney Banks. There she goes everybody. Courtney, you're going to be fine.

You're brand new. Busting balls people. People are all're going to be fine. You're brand new. Busting balls, people. People are all warriors. At Courtney Banks. By the way, I make fun of all these people, but all of these comedians that I make fun of have more balls than every other comedian that are starting out, so just remember

that. Because if you sign up for this show, you're in the game. It would be funny if her sister was Lenny Kravitz. There's not much we can really tell, though, to somebody that knew. Just basic stuff. You just gotta find out stuff about them and try to figure out what it is that makes them tick.

Okay, here we go. I'm pulling a name out. Yeah, y'all are good, man. Dan Nolan. Here we go. Oh, shit! My good friend, Dan Nolan. Hey, hey, hey, hey. my good friend Dan Nolik hey hey hey

hey what's up guys I just got that iPhone app that shows you where all the sex offenders around you live but it doesn't let you

swipe right or send winks I feel like I wasted four bucks hey what's up with all these bitches on Tinder, man? Sending me pictures of their dicks. I'm not trying to. Okay.

No, I don't know. I think dudes should be allowed to brag about their dick holes. Like, I got a pretty regular dick. But that hole, though. You ever wonder if Disney princesses take quizzes on Facebook to see which one of us they're most like? I learned something interesting the other day. Did you know that a majority of Americans

is more than half of Americans? I didn't know what majority meant. That's... Starting a new band. The sound we're going for is going to be kind of like a cross between Simon and Garfunkel. Just those two guys. Wow. Dan Nolan firing off missiles. Dan Nolan. That was a great set.

By the way, earlier I said that women have off missiles. Dan Nolan. That's how it's done. That was a great set. Thanks, man. That was really good, dude. By the way, earlier I said that women have caught up that they're equal with men. I take that back. After seeing the sets tonight between the men and the women, I'm sorry, ladies. I love you. It's true. I was raised by a single mom, but tonight... There are different times. Listen to all the women.

It's so easy to fucking throw them off. Oh, God. I'm blogging it right now Fuck I'm jealous of that dick hole I'm gonna sit here and blog it I'm jealous of your dick hole joke That's a great That joke is like four days old

Really? Dick hole porn by the way That joke is like four millimeters wide Where people put Things in people's dick holes Okay Brian is actually dick hole porn, by the way. Is it really? Yeah. It's like four millimeters wide. Where people put things in people's dick holes. Okay, Brian. Anyway, back to the comedy show we're doing. Nobody's enjoying that.

Well, I'm just saying there's a lot you can research about it. You can research anything. If you're a dick hole, you might want to do some research. Research. Really stretch out that dick hole joke you're talking about there. Dan, I don't. Yeah. No, I mean, okay.

Dan, we've had you on this show before. I've talked to you before. You are a recovering heroin addict. Yep. Yeah. Eight months sober next week. Yeah. Boo.

Boo. Go back to it. Unless that chick wants to let me sniff cocaine out of her asshole then i might okay all right whatever but dan i mean you know you're writing jokes like you're still on heroin like they are so good and so funny like you're just firing off one-liners faster and harder than mitch hedberg and they're not Mitch Hedberg jokes. Mitch Hedberg put so many flags on so many planets of one-liners.

It seems like you're attacking different things and have a different style altogether. You're not relying on... So many one-liner guys go so slow and just fucking... That's the one thing that they all have in common. You're just fucking throwing combinations. Mayweather style.

You definitely are doing something different which is hard in common and you're just fucking throwing combinations, Mayweather style. So you definitely are doing something different, which is hard to do when you're a one-liner comedian. Yeah, I dropped the one-liners for a while, for about three months. That was all I was doing in the beginning. Look, look, look. Don't lay off the one-liners. Keep off the heroin. Not the one-liners.

It's very important not to get those two things confused. tripoli go ahead i mean dan's a good friend of mine uh we've been friends for a little while now especially through sobriety and listen dude i would give you some advice but you're you're doing it i mean like you got a great style uh you know sometimes when you just do you should keep doing the one-liners eventually get to a place where you want to expand them you know so so you're not just doing like 90 jokes and like a 10-minute set but besides that man i mean you're great your jokes fit your look which is creepy as fuck you know they really are you're creepy and that's why you're my friend and i don't really have much to say other than i really enjoyed your set man you had

you had we've had a couple really good sets tonight, man, and it's been fun to watch how everybody's doing so far. Very, very, very, we talk about it all the time, hard to kill in 60 seconds, but when it's done, it's done right. You can see how it works. By the way, if you picture that in a five minute or

ten minute set, if he's able to keep that momentum or half an hour set or an hour long set, if all the jokes were that funny, I'd watch an hour of that straight. No, you have a style that's great for late-night television, too. I doubt they're going to let you do dick-hole jokes on The Tonight Show.

But, you know, when you write a couple really good things, like the sex offender joke, that could be a late-night television joke. That's a really funny joke. Yeah, I've got like five minutes of straight, clean one-liners. It's just a matter of time. Everybody works into the rotation. You just keep working hard.

You'll be in the place to take advantage of the situation, the opportunities that come to you. Byron Bowers. Byron, did you talk to Dan yet? What do you got for Dan? Did you already say something? Great job, man. It's just going to get harder and harder and better.

Definitely great writing style. The? I've been there. Oh, no. Great job, man. It's just going to get harder and harder and better. You know what I mean? Yeah. Definitely great writing style. The element of surprise is there. And even though, you know, like we gave people notes on conviction and writing about stuff that, you know, they might have lived through. But the stuff that you wrote, you could tell it comes from conviction in it. You know what I mean? And that's why you were able to sell it because even though the the you know the delivery might have been a little off at the

moment that's just gonna kick in you already got the majority of it down as far as the look like i said you you're creepy or you're a character you know i mean and um you even gotta laugh just saying something about what's up with these bitches? Not looking like you get bitches. You know what I mean? That's why people laugh. They know that. And you would probably have bitches for real. I know.

I know you're doing all right. You said that with conviction. Like, what's up with these bitches? You know what I mean? Dan, do you have any other jeans? Because I know every time you come on the show, you always have the same jeans on. Yeah, you're still wearing your heroin jeans, Dan. Yeah, no, I can't sew them just because I'm staying away from needles.

Well, how about just... There's your joke. That's a real comedian up here. That guy throwing bows. I would love to have you Friday if you can do the Death Squad show. Yeah, dude, totally. Yeah, there you go. That's pretty cool. Dreams are kind of true. Congratulations, Dan. You were great, show. Yeah, dude, totally. Fuck yeah, there you go. That's pretty cool.

Dreams are kind of true. You were great, dude. Thanks a lot, Sam. Dan Nolan, there he goes, everybody. Good job, good job. Dan Nolan 22 on Twitter. Dan Nolan 22. I'm going to roll into this part

just to make sure we have enough time for. Guys, we have one regular on this show, whereas everybody else gets pulled out of the bucket. And by the way comedians I might have enough time to pull one more name out of the bucket in the end maybe but right now we're gonna go to the one person who is a regular on this show we have one regular that writes and performs a new 60 seconds every week she basically started here on kill Tony and she's the only person that writes a brand new minute every single week that's 52 minutes a year early she at least she tries her ass off to.

It's one of the hardest things ever. Put your hands together for it. It's the one and only Melissa Esslinger. I was in a car accident the other day and this guy he t-boned my car.-boned me like dating in la i don't do it so i was just glad to get boned i make that face because i think that joke's lame but i don't know why i said that um

i uh i went to walmart the other day because that's my favorite place to rent stuff. Because I don't have a TV right now and a video game I like is coming out tomorrow. I got to borrow that for a little while. Keep the receipt. While I was at Walmart, I saw this homeless guy digging the trash can, and I thought he was looking for cigarettes or something, but he pulled out a receipt

from the trash can. I think he was going to go look for those items and return them from inside the store. Thank you. Alright, here we go. Melissa Esslinger.

That last joke wasn't a joke. The first joke was... Murder it. Yeah. Or throw AIDS at that joke. But the Walmart thing, you're right there.

Yeah. You're right in the pocket and you delivered it like halfway and you just got to get into it. Okay. Every time you set a line that you were being honest with, keep the receipt, it gets a laugh because that's true.

And I get more into it. How long can you keep a Walmart item without having to return it, get your money back, and buy another item? You can do it all in one day. People don't realize it's a fucking rent-a-center. And you can just return and get the new stuff. And you can be the one to have that joke since you just tapped into the premise first you know what i mean like rent it and but you got to figure that out yeah you know that's what happens a lot with and it's always been this way when we had the other two regulars

for two years as well sometimes the you know you try a joke like the bone one because you think it's gonna pop everybody up because it's sort of easy. And then you actually, you know, it's just a perfect example of really the theme of this episode is keeping it honest. You know, and because as soon as you went into that Walmart thing, which is something that's different yet not as easy, it started cracking everybody open because you do seem like you would be doing that. And since you're talking about it, you have it and you own it. And add that to it too.

You know what I mean? That you do look like that. You kind of have to rearrange it though because you had the idea of it and then at the end you're just kind of like, oh, and I just got to keep the receipt. You know, like you kind of like the main details. You just got to own it.

And the other thing was, is at the end of the first joke, when you did do the boning joke and it didn't go well, and then you go, what was it? You go, I don't know why I just did that.

Or no, you say, that's my face because that didn't work. I don't know why I just said that. So now you're talking about what's happening in the moment and then you cancel that out completely. As soon as you were going to jump ship and start riffing, you abandon riffing. You abandon the joke and then you cancel that out completely. As soon as you were going to jump ship and start riffing, you abandon riffing.

You abandon the joke and then you abandon riffing. And the Walmart thing is so funny that you were still able to dig yourself out of it, if that makes sense. If you're going to melt down, and I did this so many times when I started. Like last Thursday, right? I was notorious for it. Like last Thursday, right? I was notorious for it. No. But, you know, if you're going to say that joke didn't work, I don't know why I did it, then just fucking keep going.

Talk about how you weren't able to write anything this week and fuck it, you spent too much time doing this and that and blah, blah, blah. Riff anything. If you don't like the joke, don't do it. Own it from Walmart. Don't rent it from Walmart. Very good. Delayed reaction. Let me ask you.

Let me ask you something real quick. Yeah. How nervous were you? Very. Okay. How many times have you done this? I mean, I've been doing stand-up for, I guess, like- But this show in particular?

Seven weeks? Eight weeks? At some point. Very, very new. This is a brand new regular. Okay. You have to get- I mean, even before you walk on and say, I don't care what, I could give you all of Richard Pryor's material. But if you're so nervous, you can't, people are going, wow, she's really nervous.

And that's, they're more focusing on how nervous you are than your actual jokes. The key is to fake it till you make it. Yeah. If you even watch, like, Last Comic Sting, regardless of what you think of that show, when they always interview the judges, they always go, what are you looking for? They always say confidence. What is your confidence? So sometimes you gotta

walk on stage and just act like you own the fucking world. Even if you're shitting your pants, man. You have to go up there with bravado. You know what? Sam has a good point. I think next week maybe you should shit your pants before you come on. And just try to perform like you don't have shit in your pants. Well, my point is just maybe you need to go run to get rid of the nervous energy.

And, you know, when you deliver your line, every comic, I want to say this. When you deliver your punchline, it has to be like it's the word of God. It doesn't have to be screamed, but it has to be delivered like this is the funniest fucking thing you're going to hear, man. You have to believe in it so much more than anybody else because when you don't have the confidence, everybody can feel it. And I see comedians do this all the time where they're about to deliver a joke and then suddenly their eyes drop. And it's just it psychologically lets people know you have no faith in what you're saying and you got to deliver it like you're a cult leader

not scream or shouting but just it's fucking the drink my goddamn Kool-Aid you know and that's really the truth when it comes to comedy you have to land you have to stick the landing and like that first joke that you did yeah it's like it's like you could we knew that you didn't have any faith or confidence in that joke did you did uh yeah it's like it's like you could we knew that you

didn't have any faith or confidence in that joke did you uh really get into a car accident i did and you got hit it wasn't your fault well no it wasn't no it definitely wasn't my fault um yeah but you got t-bone yeah i was making a left turn but it was like gridlock traffic they'd stopped at the green light to let me through. I made eye contact with them, checked for pedestrians. Then the other lane was coming. Well, this guy decided to peel off into the bus lane going really fast. You should say you got D-boned, or you want to get D-boned instead of T-boned.

No, you should just kill that joke and never ever do it again. Or we can figure out what's funny about it. Who did you get hit by? What race was the person? Who? Really? Yeah. He was of some kind of Hispanic nature. Did this accident really happen, Melissa? You want to look at my car?

No, I'm kidding. What kind of car was the Hispanic driving? What color pickup was it? No, it was just a normal guy. The car was white, and it was an Altima. Home Depot van. It was an Altima It was an Altima It was a sedan

But he hit me so hard That you can see part of his license plate on my door And then what happened? You get out of the car I was like okay No blood, no glass I jumped out And then I got back in

And we moved the cars They're still drivable. But it sucked because it was like rush hour so I didn't want to take too long to take pictures and stuff. Because it was scary. This car came flying at me. So where are you at with it now? I'm doing better.

For the first three days. Are you really doing this? You're about to shoot me right now, aren't you? With a gun. Stick with the answers, Melissa. Stay in the pocket, Melissa. Don't panic. Yeah.

How many days a week do you go up? How many times? A minimum of four, but usually I spike at like 10. Good. I go back down sometimes

to like six. You got to just keep getting up because you got to really get over your stage fright. Yeah. And then you'll start growing. That's what's fun about her, though, is I'm really excited for people to get to watch her lose that week after week after week, episode after episode, whereas everybody else

it's a little bit more like off a week, on a week, off on a week. I think she's going to end up being a monster. I was like that for a couple of years with stage fright. Yeah. Yeah. You know what I mean? It happens. If you love the game, then you're going to be excited for it.

Then every set counts a lot. Well, I'm saying the walmart joke would it be what i think would be good you can add to it is you know you could keep stuff for 30 days yeah and sometimes 90 days yeah so i would i would add that to it like i'm just gonna rent it for 30 days you know right or however many days you want to rent this item for you can take it back or back. Or if one item you rent, like the game system, 90, and then the TV, 30, how you got to keep going back and forth

and buying and returning each one like you do cereal and milk because it never catches up to one another. Maybe to get over nerves, you can do things like, I don't know,

carry pictures of audiences in your pocket and just look at them every couple of minutes. Melissa, you just got to find out where it works for you. You have to show up. You don't need to ditch you because that's who you are. When you're offstage, she's super nervous.

Offstage, she's super shaky. So you have to be yourself, but you have to have the confidence part comes in confidence in your material. You have to have confidence in your material and what you're doing and that you belong on the stage. And then you can be yourself on the stage. Melissa Esslinger, everybody.

The newest regular here on Kill Tony. Good job. Guys, we're going to get one more comedian up before the end of the show. I'm going to go to the bucket for this one. Got to do it. And I pulled out the name of Brett Pfefferman.

Pepperman? Pepperman? Whoa. Brett Pefferman. Pfefferman. Pfefferman? Whoa. Brett Pfefferman. Hey. Hey. Hey, hi. Great.

I've been I was seeing this guy for the past six months, uh, in my head and, um, it was rough. You know, I, I got really upset, uh, when he told me that he was moving to New York. He, he gave me, um, no notice. So I decided to, um, move there. But, um, I, uh, I ran into my stepmom recently. She's a rescue.

I'm just kidding you guys. We used to go to high school together. One day she said to me, she was like, you know, I get it. When you were a senior in high school and I was a freshman, how funny would it be if you called me mom I was like um I'd rather lick Magic Johnson's bandaid than share a microwave with you when I got home okay I'm gonna end on that and that is a

minute so there you go uh all right how long you been doing stand-up? About four months. Four months. Hell yeah. Well, you look down a lot. Sam talked about this a couple times this episode, and you just stare straight down almost the whole time when you're trying to think of what you're saying. Four months in is hard.

You have really funny jokes. You're trying to do something pretty difficult, which is kind of like what Wendy Lieberman did for a long time, which was get you going one way, then come back the other way. But you've got to do a little pause between what you're saying and the shift or the change. So you're like, I've been dating this guy for six months in my head. There's the delivery to it. the delivery you gotta use the timing to

your advantage and for the looking down thing by the way uh yes like an alan iverson crossover pat had to squeeze in there from deep in three point range uh about the looking down thing because you're really looking down like some people were glancing down and sam was catching it like an umpire i mean you were just firing at these people's feet and I'm telling you again just like about writing fake premises it's something I see in almost everybody that's been doing it less than six months or some people that have been doing it a year two three years and just not doing it enough and the and my way of handling that because I did that by the way my first few months of doing stand-up I was doing this weird fucking like halfunconfident Chris Rock thing

where I would walk back and forth on the stage just staring down, just hoping my well-written jokes would murder. And it turns out I was talking about fake shit, so it wasn't well-written, and I was looking down, so I wasn't connecting. And then once I started to put it all together,

I just started looking right in all these idiot souls. You see all these morons? Look at all these morons out here that think that they're special, that think their opinions matter. They're all idiots. So if you look right in their fucking eyes, because you're doing this,

you're doing stand-up more than they're being an audience. So you're already better at what you're doing than what they are. But if you're looking down that hard, you're never going to have a chance. You could have Dan Nolan's jokes, and if you're just giggling, giggling, giggling, nervously not delivering them, it's not going to work. I'd like to take you to the Olive Garden Saturday. Whoa.

No comedy gig. That's just a straight-up date, everybody. She just won a date with Brian Redman. Oh, the husband is yelling from the back We really fucked up this one Where's the gunshot now Brian You have good premises You have very smart stuff

That as you keep doing it more and more It's going to be really fun to watch You know it's like I did my Montreal a long time ago I did the Montreal Comedy Festival I tapped into something I didn't know yet, and now I got it. You got something you just don't have yet, but when you get it, it's going to be great. You have a likable head.

You're going to be fine. Keep doing it. Brett Pfefferman, everybody. She's on Twitter, Brett Pfefferman, B-R-E-T-T. Pat Reagan's Patty Reagan, Byron Bowers, Sam Tripoli, the drawing from Ryan J. E-Belt, everybody. Look at that. What did we do tonight?

Oh, football jerseys. Football jerseys and the horse of truth. There was a lot of honesty in this episode. A very compelling episode of Kill Tony. Thank you all for joining us. Have a great night. Thank you. Good night.

Good night. I'm going to take a picture real quick. Okay, fire. Fire. I had someone to talk to I'm in an awful way Take this I got in town a month ago I seen a lot of girls assisting If I could meet them, I could get them But as yet I haven't met them That's why I'm in the shape I'm in

Here another sad goodnight And I ain't got nobody. Have fun. In a haze these days I pull up to the stoplight I can feel that something's not right I can feel someone's blasting me With hate and fangs Sending dirty vibes my way Cause my great-great-great-great-granddad

Made someone's great-great-great-great-granddad Into slaves And what's in my idea of that land? Great-great-great-great-granddaddy slay. you