KILL TONY - KILL TONY #129

Episode Date: November 23, 2015

Theo Von, Fahim Anwar, Melissa Eslinger, Tony Hinchcliffe, Pat Regan, Josh Martin, Brian Redban - Date: 11/16/2015 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony. Tony and me are coming to Pittsburgh and Ohio this week. Unfortunately, Pittsburgh is completely sold out, but Ohio, there's some tickets left. We're doing a Kill Tony followed by a comedy show. So, you can get combo tickets to both shows. Just go to DeathSquad.TV and click on Tour Dates. And of course, don't forget, we do Kill Tony every Monday live from the Comedy Store in the Belly Room. That's a free show.

And every Tuesday, we have the Roast Battle, which is the verbal violence podcast. And every Friday, we have the Ice House comedy show. All these can be found by just going to DeathSquad.tv and clicking on tour dates. And ShopSquad.tv, proud to announce there is three, that's right, three new Death Squad shirts. The pre-orders for

two of them are up right now and one of them is almost sold out. So check out ShopSquad.tv for all the new Death Squad merchandise and check out TonyHinchcliffe.com for all of Tony's dates and merch. Alright guys, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Hey, this is Red Band coming to you live from the road-famous Comedy Store for a brand new episode of Kill Tony Volume 3. Give it up for Tony Hedgman! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Oh my god. Listen to that nice

cold night applause. Hi everybody. Welcome. How you guys doing? Fuck yeah. How fun. Come on. You can make some more noise than that. Make some noise Monday night. It's alright. That's pretty good.

Yeah, we're live. Do tons of people live on Ustream right now. And we got a live audience here. It's Monday night for another fun episode of Kill Tony. Brian Redband's here, ladies and gentlemen. What's up, guys? Come on. Yeah. Ryan J. Ebeld has a blank piece of paper in front of him

That's because he's the house artist And he draws every episode And he's going to draw tonight's episode That's Ryan J. E. Belt Instagram, ryanjebelt.com You can get all the pasta art on his website He does prints of all his stuff Everything's available on ryanjebelt.com

Jamie Vernon in the back On the two HD cameras With a new haircut that he's hiding with his hat. Uh-oh. Captain Bad haircut. Kevin Lee Light, Hollywood Jesus Christ is here. A special guest, everybody. The Resurrection. And the great

sounds of Pat Reagan, everybody. There he is. Josh Martin Comics running around. Shit's going to get crazy tonight. You guys ready for a fun night or what? I know I'm excited. I just flew in back from Australia today. I did sold out theaters with Joe Rogan.

And then I was right next to the Octagon when Holly Holmes stunned the world. The new champion. I heard you could see her face throughout the whole thing. I was on screen. If you look at pretty much every highlight except for the kick. The new champion. I heard you could see your face throughout the whole thing, making faces. I was on screen. If you look at pretty much every highlight except for the kick. Did you know you were? Because I know in the past, Ari Shafir and Duncan Trussell made out together.

Everybody was going crazy. It just so happened to be, you know, there's like five cameras around the octagon. It just so happened to be that the action was taking place and I was in the background. I gave a touchdown at one point. I didn't realize I did it, but a bunch of people said that on Twitter. Did Tony just give a touchdown at the UFC? She took her down and I'm just like...

It was amazing. It was the coolest thing I've ever been to. I saw online that you're about to get your ass kicked by Cyborg. Well, no. She's definitely not going to kick my ass. She says she's coming to her show. I'm hoping she comes to a show so I can make fun of her fucking man head. Oh. Yeah. So here's what happened.

Let me explain because I know none of you know what the fuck Brian's talking about. It's a very, it's the Twitter battle just started a couple hours ago. Yes. I did a podcast on the way home last night with Joe Rogan and Dana White, the owner of the UFC. on the way home last night with Joe Rogan and Dana White, the owner of the UFC, and we did this huge podcast that is going to be listened to by millions of people because we're just

coming off the Rousey thing. We started talking about how the UFC should do a roast, and they're like, Tony, how would you make fun of Chris Cyborg, who is a female in another fighting league that took male hormones and now completely

has the jaw you know everything changes people get fucking touchy with this man woman shit everybody relax she took male hormones to become a bigger better fighter makes sense and she took too many of them and basically turned into a man. And now she's trying to, like, come back and, like, be all feminine and clean and everything. But it's too late. If you see her face, let me just catch you idiots up. If you see this girl's face, you could see that she is man features now. Anyway, I made a joke. They go, how would you make fun of Chris Cyborg?

And I was on the spot. I go, she's the only female fighter that cuts weight by cutting off her dick. Oh, really? That's too much? It's a fucking on-the-spot roast joke. They're like, Tony, how would you do this? That's not how it works.

Guys, I want to introduce to the stage Cyborg! Okay. All right, Brian, I see what you did there. What did you think, I was going to get scared? No, I see what you did there. What did you think? I was going to get scared? No, I will roast her right now. Come on out, cyber. Well, I think you're being harsh.

You're calling her a man feat. Yeah, she took male hormones. Look, I don't call other women men. All right? How about that? I don't do that because that's not right. I have funnier ways to make fun of women. I would still hit it. I bet you would. to make fun of women. I would still hit it.

I bet you would. You would fuck this bucket. You should do it even further. I love you, Cyborg. I have no problem with your beautiful face. I think you are amazing. I'd love to see you say that to her face. I would.

Why do all these UFC fighters have alliteration in their names? Chris Cyborg, Holly whatever. Hope. Hope. Ronda Rousey. Wow. Maybe you're onto something. Jamie Juice. That was the big payoff. Jamie Juice at the end.

Jamie Juice was the big payoff. You pitched up a big beach ball to yourself and you just smacked it down into the ground. Oh shit. We actually have protection here anyways, guys. Tate Fletcher, everybody. Oh, yes.

Fuck yes. The great Tate. You just missed the cyborg talk. You know anything about this? I made fun of Cyborg on the Rogan podcast last night. Cyborg's a man and a woman. Yes, exactly. Thank you.

Oh, shit. Tate. The UFC fighter. He's saying there's two fighters. One is male and one is questionably female. Yes, exactly. Well, she's mad at me right now. Who would have a argument to be made that she's fully female?

That's right. Maybe. Who knows? Adopted or not? Brian is. Is that true, Brian? No, I'm just covering his ass because she's going to come to one of these shows and beat him up. No, she's not.

And I don't want any part of it. Yeah, she's going to fly from Brazil up here. What? Anyway, so I'm not backing down from this cyborg thing. If she wants to come and fight me, you know what? Bring it, lady. I'll fucking take you on, you know what? Bring it, lady. I'll fucking take you on. Because you know what? I'm a pretty feminine

guy, and you're a pretty manly chick. And I don't know exactly where, how far off we are. So it might be fair. And I'm pretty sure we're in the same weight class. But, if we fight your game, then we have to have a roast battle

here the next week. And then you fight me on my fields, my terms. Yeah, we have to have a roast battle here the next week and then you fight me on my fields my terms yeah you have to do 60 seconds chris cyborg all right uh anyway that's what happened let's do tonight's show you guys ready or what every week i have two of my funniest friends two of the funniest comedians in the world on this show this week's no different put your hands together for theo vonughn and Fahim Anwar, everybody. Here they are. Fuck yes. Two guys that I work with almost

every single night. Theo Vaughn, you have a new special coming out in February on Netflix, everybody. Come on. Thank you. Netflix you for watching the internet. Hell yeah. This is your first time on the show. We're going to have fun. It's going to be a blast. Fahim Anwar is back.

Put your hands together for Fahim, everybody. The man, the myth. Close friends with Lance Canstopolis, one of the sensations here at the Comedy Store. Fahim is known as one of the only people that he'll hang out with, which is pretty fucking cool.

I mean, I know I get to work with some cool people, and it's always fun when, you know, you get to have cool friends. So welcome to the show, guys. We're going to have a blast tonight. Over 50 comedians signed up for the chance to do 60 seconds on this stage. We get to talk to them afterwards about anything in the world that we want to.

They get 60 uninterrupted seconds. Comedians, you know your 60 seconds is up when you hear the sound of a kitty. Come on, kitty. You can be a little bit louder than that. Okay, I guess you can't be louder than that in a room with subwoofers. But you better wrap it up then, or else you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear.

This is where it gets really loud. That's a point that he makes that how loud it can get after the cat's quiet. So guys, keep your ears open for that cat that you don't even... There you go. Or just the gunshot.

Pretty much all right. Is that Trump? Yeah, he's here. you don't even... There you go. Or just the gunshot. Pretty much alright. Is that Trump? Yeah, he's here. He's here and we have Hollywood Jesus is here and we're expecting a pop-in from Ron Jeremy for the second week in a row. I'm serious, but that's not a joke.

He was here last week. Sorry, those are just the types of badass motherfuckers. He actually hit a comedian in the face with his dick at one point, and he was sitting on the balcony. That was when, though? Last year? No, it was last week. Oh, wow.

He's still doing that. Ron Jeremy, hitting it hard. Guys, you ready to start tonight's episode or what? Here we go. Here we go. The number one live podcast in the world. That's right. Yeah. Bring it, Doug Loves Movies.

We are here. Oh yeah, Columbus and Pittsburgh on November 27th and 29th. How about that? Kill Tony live and stand-up shows afterwards. You can get a combo packet for that if you want to sit through a six-hour comedy show. You can watch both shows packet for that if you want to sit through a six-hour comedy show.

You can watch both shows. And the winner of... We were going to pick one person from each Kill Tony show to open up for us on the comedy show. Whichever 60 seconds we like the most on Kill Tony gets to open up and do three minutes, two minutes on the stand-up show. Gets to do that same 60 seconds half an hour later. I pulled the name out of the bucket.

Your first comedian doing 60 seconds uninterrupted tonight goes by the name of Tom McNagenton. This is the ice cold Michelle, fight for that white gold. This one and more girls, them good girls play masterpieces. You guys ever notice that when a pregnant lady says that she's eating for two, she never seems to realize that second one is just a baby?

You guys stop laughing. I only got like 30 seconds. Or do you think that when a fat guy chokes to death people are like, at least he died doing what he loved. I'll take that chuckle. My God. What the hell else?

About a Milky Way. On the side of the Milky Way wrapper it says, warning, may contain peanuts. It's like, that's stupid. You should just say, Milky Way might be says, warning, may contain peanuts. That's stupid. Should I say Milky Way might be a Snickers? When I bought it, I had to sign for it.

They gave me one of those pens with a spoon tape to it. I was like, what the hell is that? If I take it, I just get more shit, right? It's like, what the hell is that? It's like, if I take it, I just get more shit, right? It's like, what about the people buying soup? Tom McNaughton. Am I saying that right? McNaughton. Tom McNaughton. Yes. Fuck yeah, welcome to the show.

First time, right? Yes. This is some funny jokes. How long have you been on stand-up? About eight years. Wow. Where are you from? Minneapolis. And you've been doing most of it there. Yeah. How long have you been here? About eight months. Where are you from? Minneapolis. How long have you been here? About eight months. Everything's in eights with you. I like your style.

How many women have you had sex with? Tom and I don't want to welcome you to the show. I'm guessing none. You got Puma shirt, you got Puma shoes. I'm guessing he hasn't had sex with anyone. I'm guessing he just ate them out. See that? That was quick.

I'm just warming up. Just warming up over here. I flew 17 hours today from Australia, you motherfuckers. Oh, man. Yeah. First class. No big deal. You know, just the type of life I'm living.

Anyway. You think you could have sex in a first class bed and anyone would stop you? There's no question that you could. I didn't do it, but no. No, there's a way to do it. No, you watch a movie. You'll stop your finger and your girlfriend on a bus to Florida. Swear to God.

Really? Yeah. How did they know? They know, man. You got to go under a blanket. Yeah, I was under a blanket, and this brother actually tried to get involved. No offense if anybody's a brother. What did he try to do, throw a finger in there or something?

I mean, he was trying to get into it. I mean, anybody was game at that point. I watched people have sex on a plane before, a red eye. Really? It was like a half-empty plane, and the row next to me had two people sitting on each side of the aisle. I went to sleep, woke up at like 3 in the morning, pitch black in the plane, and they were on top of each other. Wow.

It was the same? Huh? Who was it? It was like they didn't even know each other. And then when the plane landed, they both just went their separate ways. Imagine how weird they felt when they looked over and saw you sitting there by yourself masturbating. Yeah, I know.

I feel like... They're probably just like, man, the ball's on this guy. Anyway, let's keep fucking. Come, I know. I feel like... They're probably just like, man, the ball's on this guy. Anyway, let's keep fucking. Come inside of me. Anyway, Tom, I'm going to follow through with Pat's question. How many people

have you had sex with? Probably around eight. There you go. Boom. Nailed it. We gave you a beach ball and you hit it. There you go.

Tom, can I tell you, I love the fact, and I think this is very Minnesota of you, that you dress like a college football coach while doing stand-up. Except for the pants. The pants he dresses like a seventh, fifth, eighth. All right.

He dresses like a fourth-grade girl. There you go. Parade. Jesus, he just follows through the pistol now. It's not even enough to shut him up. You got to give a warning on that thing because I almost shit myself. It's all right. You did a great job.

I thought it was super funny, man. Really tight, tight jokes. And it was a bold move up top just to like not ride that energy. Just like sit there and make us all uncomfortable. Yeah, yeah. You're like, thanks, but no thanks. Yeah. You're like, I'm getting mine.

I left home for this. Yeah. Exactly. And then I like how after, well, after joke two, you kind of look at the panel. Just to see how I'm getting mine I left home for this yeah exactly and then I like how after joke two you kind of look at the panel just to see how I'm doing you know you're like yeah that's right guys I heard that heavy laughter

also it's not good if like two jokes deep you're like what did I want to do because you hesitated for a second I felt like you were going for the notes or by the way you're dressed maybe the playbook that's nerves I'm sure you do I was fucking notes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or by the way you're dressed, maybe the playbook. No. That's nerves. I'm sure you do. I was fucking nervous, man.

I'll tell you this, Tom. It was more of the minute thing. Yeah, it's so hard. Like, what are you doing in a minute, right? It's always hard to do a minute. But, I mean, you just got to follow through and get out what you can. But what a great style to have for a minute. Exactly.

I'll tell you this, Tom, is that I love, love, love the eating for two joke with the baby. And I'd say that you can extend that, you know what I mean? There's definitely tags to be had there, like, you know, because you're already on, you're already in it, so you can go longer with that, you know what I mean? Like, if she, eat for two, but they never mention it's a baby, like, I've never seen a baby eat,

you know, a half of a full pizza. I haven't seen a baby eat a cigarette either. You know the Earth is 10 months pregnant? Uh-oh. I feel like there's a punchline coming. We're due for a natural disaster. We're over the nine-month moment, and we're 10 months pregnant.

So I just want to throw that out there. Really? Yep. Is your performance tonight perhaps that disaster that we're overdue for? Because right now we're feeling there's a little bit of a fucking shift in the tectonic plates of this show. Just saying. Just throwing it out there. We're talking pregnancy.

You're doing even better now, Tom. I'm just trying to pretend like i'm not do you know how to play guitar tom we might need you to be the band tonight uh no i don't sorry i can try though what uh what do you do for fun what's your favorite thing about la like what are you into other than stand-up comedy definitely poker that's uh you know have you seen mississippi grind no you should go see it it's better than Rounders It's a movie with Ryan Reynolds and Ben Mendelsohn What was it called?

You guys know who Ben Mendelsohn is? When did that come out? You know who Ben Mendelsohn is? It's a guy from Bloodline He's so good He's amazing to watch He's actually Australian And he's this freak of nature actor

that you can't even tell is Australian. But every character he plays, especially in Bloodline, he's always drunk, and everything's going to be okay. He's that guy where you worry too much. Everything's going to be fine, like nonstop and everything. And he's that way in Mississippi Grind. He's Australia's Owen Wilson. Yeah, exactly.

Okay, Tom, so how much poker are we talking about here? Well, right now I'm unemployed, so not much. Right. But, yeah, usually I play a fair amount. I like to play tournaments over cash. What's the most you've ever won? In a single tournament, like 1,700. Pretty good. How much did you buy in won? In a single tournament, like 1,700. Pretty good.

How much did you buy in for? 65. So it's a pretty good payout. $65,000? $65. Okay. Well, Tom, how do you think things are going?

You're eight months in. That's a pretty, like, now you sort of see what you're dealing with with Los Angeles. How do you feel about things? So far, pretty good. Running a comedy show at a Hooters.

Oh, the one down the street? Yeah, across from the Chinese Theater on Wednesdays at 9. So if you guys want to show up, come on by. This is just an elaborate plug for his Hooters show. Exactly. How's the Hooters girls there? When you kill a minute, you get a plug of your show. How's the Hooter quality of the girls there?

Because I noticed in Los Angeles, it's a different kind of Hooters. It's not good. Tom's actually one of the waitresses. There's no good Hooters. I don't want to say anything further because this is a podcast, right? No, no, no, no. Nothing's being recorded. Just ignore Brian over here.

He's just a very distracted audience member. Nothing's being recorded. It's fucking disgusting. What did I tell you about texting during the show, Brian? All right, Tom. It was nice to meet you. Fun times. You got to plug your show.

Go to Hooters. Tom McNaughton. He's on Twitter at Tommy McNotty. Get it, Tom. All the way from Minnesota. Just a good old boy. This weather out there today is good for me. I like it like this.

Windy and cold. Tom should stop breathing in the mic so much. I think he's got kind of... I wanted to give him that note. He's got kind of... He's breathing. He's a little creepy sounding when he breathes. You have to breathe. You should stop breathing and you should stop talking. You didn't notice?

I guess you're right. It was the wrong point to interject and put it in, but. I pulled another name out of the bucket. The show goes on. Put your hands together for Matthew Maloney. Alliteration. Maybe this is a ufc fighter all right heads up everybody i'm coming in like halfway through my set about time travel

all right so that so what this means is everyone in this room is alive thanks to Adolf Hitler. So you can't go back in time to kill Hitler because that would mean that you would never exist. And I know some of you are thinking, that doesn't matter to me. I would still go back in time. It's the right thing to do. I would still kill Hitler if it means I would never exist. It doesn't fucking work that way!

This isn't Back to the Future where you'll just start fading away from photographs. That doesn't make any sense! If you don't exist, why would anyone take your picture? Do you think if Marty had failed to get his parents back together, George McFly would have just walked around with pictures of no one

in his wallet? George, why do you have all these pictures of nobody? Oh, those are just the pictures of the children that I don't have. Yes. Go, go, go. Those are pictures of the people that I don't have. Stop, stop Matthew Maloney

In what has got to be One of the funniest performances By a Best Boy employee It's so good I fucked it up Best Boy is a local Youth service though It is It was so good, I fucked it up. Stepped on my... Best Boy is a local youth service, though. It is. He is a combination between Best Buy and Bob's Big Boy,

so it actually does make sense. I wish I could go back in time and change that joke. Wow, there he goes. He plays right into it. This guy's a fucking star. That's funny, though, dude. This guy's a fucking star. That's funny though, dude.

Matthew Maloney, an absolute slaughterfest here tonight. That's fucking great. Even your nipples are hard at that performance. Fuck yeah, crush fest, dude. So fun. Is that a longer joke? Is that just like a piece of it? Because that was really well done. I just did it

for the first time last night, actually, about a seven-minute thing on why it's a bad idea to go back in time and kill Hitler. And it did really well, and an old Jewish man came up to me after the show and said that was very smart and very funny. I was like, wow. If anyone were to hate this, it would be you, so that's great.

Right. Yeah. You could perhaps convince the Jews that it was all a positive. Yeah. You know? I'm saying it might not only work at the Comedy Store. I think it'll work at Temple, too, which is huge. Yeah. If you work for free, they might let you in.

Boom. There you go. I'm almost happy he left the mic on the panel desk for that one so that his specials still come out on Netflix in February. You don't want those kind of... Here are those jokes. Matthew, what nationality are you? German. Whoa! Wow, okay.

German! German! Wow. Very good. Fuck yeah, look at that. Wow. Very cool. Fuck yeah, look at that. The little German sneaking in his Don't Kill Hitler propaganda. I love that. So fucking fun, Matthew.

You're just fucking a little killer, huh? How long have you been doing stand-up? Three years. Three years. Where at? Just around. In L.A.? Yeah.

Yeah, that's great, man. Holocaust memorials. Fuck yeah, Matthew. I like your style. I like your haircut. It's very fun. Fits you well. You're definitely one of the funniest lesbians we've ever had on the show.

Yeah. Do you play softball at all? No. You really should. I know. Because I know you'd be good. What do you do for fun? I don't know. That's a boring question.

Let's talk about... I was a Boy Scout. Can we go there? Yeah. I was an Eagle Scout. Me too. Eagle Scout. Really? There we go. Oh, really? He had his own pre-energy with himself, I feel like. What? Did you get molested during Cub, Boy, or Eagle? Life Scout. right before Eagle.

That's when the tits came in. Was your Boy Scouts connected to a church? Because my Boy Scouts was a church organization. Very much not so. Really? Yeah. Do you still have it? Still have what?

Like all the costumes? It wasn't a costume, Brian. It was a uniform. It's used as a costume. I don't think they're costumes. They are now. The neckties and stuff, it's hot. Well, that's fun, Matthew.

You've been getting a lot of spots, going up a lot. I'm trying. Where do you live? Palm Springs. Palm Springs. You live in Palm Springs? So then where do you get up around do you get up around palm springs no no i i drive out here and i i'm an uber driver so i drive out here and i do all my business during the day and then i you know do you try to find a ride somebody in palm springs that's trying to uber that

happened one time wow that happened one time how much did you make for that? I came out with like $170 something, but they paid like $220 something. It wasn't that bad, but yeah, it was. Wow. Fuck yeah. How many times did you stop to take a shit on the way? Great question. I get the feeling that you start letting out a couple farts and give them a little warning that it's coming. You're like, so I'm going to pull over this next exit.

Especially you get that Sonic burger in you. Much to your surprise, I'm a professional, Tony. A professional? No shits the whole time? No shits. Wow, that's amazing. You got to get those five stars somehow. That's right.

And that's the way to do it. If your Uber driver takes a shit, you can give him two stars. Okay. Matthew, I'd like to see you... That's a rule. I thought something big was coming. I'm like, oh, he's got an Uber joke locked and loaded for this.

Tony, please. Brian's about to invite me to the ice house. That's right. Friday, 10.30, 10 o'clock. I'd love to have you there. Matthew, this is one of the most... Yeah, can you hold the burger one more time? Theo wants to see it.

Can we get a picture of that, somebody? There we go. Josh Martin's all over. You got this? I'll leave the mic up here. Just have the comic performed by me. I love that. Matthew Maloney, you killed it. This was a hilarious performance. All the way down to basically inviting yourself to the Ice House on Friday. I love that. Matthew Maloney, you killed it. This was a hilarious performance, all the way down to basically inviting yourself to the Ice House on Friday.

I love it. It's where I need to be. Matthew Maloney is on Twitter at Matthew E. Maloney, all one word. He's the only guy with Matthew E. Maloney. Very fucking funny, Matthew. Please, come back. Do not have a heart attack. Come back.

It's a big guy. Fucking just watch the butter and you'll be good, dude. Low butter for you. You're too funny. Everybody that's funny as fuck, like always is like halfway about to die. Like they're either on drugs or they're overweight. Like it's like fucking crazy. But except for, except for Theo and Fahim. How could I forget? You two healthy looking funny as fuck. Two of the funniest guys. I work with these guys all the time.

I pulled another name out of the bucket. Kyle Shields. Packed house tonight. A lot of traffic up there. And a random Asian guy standing in the hallway kyle shields everyone what's up everybody hey so uh kind of overworking you know uh i don't really want to do it anymore you know like why can't i just get by on my good looks you know that's that's why i think chicks got it easy you know you just, why can't I just get by on my good looks, you know, that's, that's why I think

chicks got it easy, you know, you just got some nice boobs and pretty smile, you're set, you know, there'll, there'll be a dude there, he'll pay for everything you need for the rest of your life, you know, you're good, that's why, thank you, that, that's, that's why I think, That's why I think a lot of dudes decide to become trannies, you know. They figured it out, you know. They're just some lazy-ass dudes. They just figured it out. They're just like, get some boobs and some long hair. You're good, man. You know?

You might have to suck a few dicks, but hey, you don't gotta work no more. So, uh, that's... Kyle Shields. This was your first comedy set ever? No.

Oh, uh, in that case, Kyle, uh, yikes.ikes no like six six times yeah i was i was actually gonna guess less than 10 uh and here you are i can feel it and you know it that's what happens is when you very very first started this you're like this shit's fucking brilliant this is funnier this is funnier than what i've heard other people say and they got big laughs and you're right you know you're right. You're right. If you get behind that joke and you fucking stand your ground and get passionate with it, you're right. Right now, you're just kicking out a premise that you have that is a good premise, and it just takes a while and it takes work to dig into that shit.

Because you do have a point. You clearly have a passion for it. I'll tell you right now, I'll guarantee a chick just broke your heart within the past six months, right? Because you fucking hate women right now, dude. What you were saying is, these lazy bitches don't have to do anything. Everything the guy does, we support everything. I'd rather cut off my dick and become a tranny

than to have to deal with this shit. There was a thick mustard, or custard of misogyny at the top. And then there was a pause. And then the pause is, I think, where you got a little comfortable because we loosened up a bit at the pause. And then you actually had a funny thought after. So I was like, that's all. Do you work at FedEx?

I used to work for UPS. Wow. Are those the UPS pants? No. I've had that before. I wore it for the shirt. Wow. I wore it for the shirt.

You need to really record your set because you have a lot of little things that I focused on too much where you said, you know so much. After everything you go, you know, you know. That can really take you out of what you're saying. I was kind of distracted with that. You look like you committed a crime today.

What did you do? Something? At least jaywalking, right? Somewhere? Yeah, I've jaywalked a couple times. You have the... Not only are you sort of wearing the attire of a criminal, but you also have this very criminal haircut that I only see in mug shots.

That's sort of like... I don't really think that's gel, and I don't really think it's grease. I think it's a mix of the two that accumulates over a long period of time. In prison movies, you see that and they just comb it back. You don't really see them wash it or rinse it.

Am I close? It's like three days without a shower. There you go. Boom. Right? Three days. You guys didn't know that, did you? No, I'm a studier of people. I looked at this fucking guy and I'm thinking, you're a dirty fucking criminal. And all I had to do was dig in a little bit you find out Torsa Truth is out now

thank you we're getting there like I said I'm warming up so what's the last illegal thing you did if you had to guess let's go truthies smoking weed I guess my card's expired so I guess it's illegal alright I guess you My card's expired, so I guess it's illegal.

Alright, I guess you learn after a while of doing stand-up that the truth is the best way out. It'll set you free. And I think when you're on in six months to a year, you'll answer that question a little more honestly. Because I think you did something shady recently. Oh, well. Kind of nervous up here with all these people.

Do you want a future? Like a high school counselor here. I just quit my job. What was your job? Well, I worked for UPS for 10 years. You worked for UPS for 10 years? Holy shit.

The fucking boring Uber driver, right? Just packages in the back. 10 years is how long it takes you to find your voice as a UPS. There it is. He's one for 27 tonight. Pat Reagan. But when it hits, it hits good.

10 years to find your voice. How'd you get through it? What do you listen to? Are you one of those UPS drivers that's just fucking jamming to music? I have a guy that dances down the street with packages and shit. I never got to driving. It was just part-time in the warehouse unloading packages. Oh, you never got the big promotion, the driver that you always wanted.

That's like the saddest thing I've ever heard. So you would just load up these trucks and you were like Rudolph and everybody's like look at the guy that can't drive. It broke my heart. That's why I had to let it go. Had to let go of the dream. Did you ever find any weed or drugs? Actually, yeah. There's been a lot of times

where boxes have opened up. See, I feel like this is the kind of guy when you were working at UPS loading packages, I feel like you brought your own drug dog to sniff out packages and you'd be like, good job, boy. You just take it. That's basically everybody there

has got a nose for drugs. Right. I bet. Long hours there, right? No, it's part-time. So how long have you been at UPS? It's so far like... I'm trying to relate with this UPS guy.

I have no fucking idea. That's awesome. Driver, no. I worked in the warehouse. Long hours, no. What's something that we'd be surprised to know about that UPS warehouse where all of our shit's going through?

I break a lot of... Well, people break a lot of boxes, step on them, smash them. Happens a lot. Wow. I always wonder, why don't UPS or FedEx deliver people? Why is it only boxes? Why don't y'all do an airline?

Well, I mean, they do have airplanes, but I don't know. But for like 30 bucks, if I can get my sister to fucking oh oh yeah didn't you see cast away that seems like such a bad idea with like the boxes and the nets and the crushing you would think 10 years at ups would help you with your joke delivery uh but i was really surprised that you know it just really doesn't I guess there's really no crossover there but Kyle I mean that's fun stuff you're gonna be just fine

are you having fun doing stand up? you said six times what's going on? I only get up a couple times a week why is that you're not working anymore he's part time yeah that's my thing no I just got a new job doing windows and doors but that's having thing, you know. No, I just got a new job doing windows and doors, but that's...

Having sex with windows and doors? The party horn for that one. It's pretty fun. It's pretty fun. Windows and doors. Party! What are you doing with windows and doors? Looking through them, opening them up, you know.

You should write that down. I'm guessing by the way you're dressed it's mostly windows you're going through. Brings it full circle to that criminal thing for those of you paying attention on your Kill Tony bingo card. Kyle,

somebody actually made one of those one time. Did you ever see that? There's Kill Tony bingo cards that have the things that happen. If I say fuck yeah or if there's a horse of truth or whatever. Pat Reagan bombs. There's like a bunch of spots that like you

hit your little doinker on or whatever. Kyle, what do you like to do like when you're not smoking pot and you're not doing stand up? Like what does a guy like you do? Like what's your shady fucking secret? What's your creepiest thing that you've googled lately? Oh, I don't know You're full of answers

aren't you, Kyle? No, I do jiu-jitsu when I'm not doing this shit ride bikes around What belt are you in jiu-jitsu? Blue belt Where do you train under? He's a UPS guy, it's a brown belt

I wish My teacher's name is Dion Watts. It's a brown belt. I wish. My teacher's name is Dion Watts. He actually got his black belt from John Jock. He trained with Joe. I believe he trained at the Hooters at Hollywood and Highland, if I have my story correct.

I actually bought my belt online. I love it. Wait, you didn't take a test, you just bought it online? That was a joke. Brian got it. Come on. I found out that you could buy silicone breasts on eBay, and they're really cheap, so

I might make a pillow out of boobs. There you go. Good bet. That sounds like a fun idea. Kyle, one last, I want to get back into it a little bit, because, again, your set was mostly about how women have it easy, and, you know, I mean, what happened?

What happened that that's, because I know I was talking about, I didn't realize it, but, you know, the stuff that comes out of you when you're doing something like this, it's got to be coming from somewhere. So when was the last time you were in a relationship with a girl? Oh, well, that was just, yeah, that's been a minute. No, I'm divorced, but. Okay, there we go. See, we're starting to get somewhere, little Kyle.

We need those answers. How long have you been divorced for? It's been a while. Three years. Three years. Separated for three years. You stalk her on Facebook a little bit? No, no, no.

I used to. I used to. It seems like you're reliving memories from your relationship in your head. Right now, yeah. Kind of. Yeah. Have you gotten a rebound since the three-year divorce? Yeah, but that didn't work out too well either.

Why is that? I don't know. I don't know. I told her I did comedy. She's like, what? That's what made her leave you? She's like, let me hear one of those jokes. Goodbye.

That's when I was just starting off. Anything else for Kyle, gentlemen? What do you got for Kyle? You're both good looking guys. How about some fashion advice for Kyle? What are What do you got for Kyle? You're both good-looking guys. How about some fashion advice for Kyle? What are we going to do with this guy? You can change your pants after you quit your job.

Yeah. I like the chucks. Thank you. You can let the UPS go. And, you know, it's just like when you came up here, I'm like, is this guy here to do comedy, or is he umpiring second base? You know, so maybe just, you know, feel it just like when you came up here, I'm like, is this guy here to do comedy or is he umpiring second base? You know, so maybe just, you know, feel it out. Find your groove, Kyle.

And when you next time you're up, fucking let it rip. Don't be shy. All right. And that muscle only gets stronger every time you go up. So if you really want to do this, you know, go for it. You got nothing to fucking lose. And what will end up happening is you'll get sort of funny. You'll end up getting that chick that you're mad at in the universe right now. And please'll end up happening is you'll get sort of funny and you'll end up getting that chick

that you're mad at in the universe right now. And please cheer the fuck up, man. You're making me... Yeah, have some fun, Kyle. Yeah, I feel like you have a point of view and everything

and you want to get something across and then the more you'll do it, you'll know where the actual punchline is because I think even when you were first starting out, like, the audience

kind of approximated where to laugh but we weren't quite sure of, like, where. Okay. So, yeah. It was a good punchline. I thought it was going to be really bad and then it was good. And I think everybody thought that.

Yeah. That makes me feel good. Thanks. Well there he goes. Kyle Shields everybody. 805 S Best. Number 805 S Best. Kyle 805 S best. Kyle Shields. That's a...

Area code is best. What is that area code? What's 805? San Diego? Ventura? Ooh, Ventura. I don't know. I don't know if 805 is best. No. That's an interesting Twitter handle.

Alright, how about Darren Davis? I don't know if 805 is best. No. It's an interesting Twitter handle. All right. How about Darren Davis? I can't see my book yellow when I'm working right. I need to like a pro, so to put it like I'm famous. Hey, fuck yeah. All right, guys. Got some shit to say. Started dating online, but by accident.

Because I honestly believe that eHarmony was a website I could buy ecstasy on. I'm like damn I'm compatible with so many drug dealers. This is fucking amazing. So I decided to send them a dick pic because that's what millennials do. And I found out that my dick doesn't fit in the frame so I didn't send a proper dick pic. I was like damn. I have a dick pic because that's what millennials do. And I found out that my dick doesn't fit in the frame, so I just sent a proper dick pic.

I was like, damn. And I have a selfie stick wig. Ha. I'm going to talk a little bit about Bruce Jenner. The guy's cool. I'm more of an animal rights activist. I'm more concerned about that man's pets. Like, yo, man, you can't just change your identity like that on a

dog. That dog's in that mansion confused as fuck. Like, where the hell is Bruce? That's my time, ladies and gentlemen. Y'all have a good fucking night. Boom. Boom. Boom and boom. Bruce Jenner is one of those things I won't even touch with a 10-foot pole.

It's just a topic that I haven't talked about at all because I work with Joe Rogan so often, and he has this amazing, fucking long, amazing Bruce Jenner joke. And then a few weeks ago ago I caught Bill Burr who has this long amazing couple months ago actually I saw this long amazing Bruce Jenner joke and so you know I'm just like hands off on it

and anytime I hear anybody bring it up I don't even listen but that there is such a funny fucking take on on that whole thing like it's incredible really funny you're a fucking funny guy. You got up here, you took the energy that Kyle left.

You know, Kyle let the audience really breathe and get well rested for the next funny comedian and you took it and really ran with it. I would say you took the gloves off and let it rip, but no, you're actually the first person to ever perform in gloves. And obviously, what's clearly a tribute to OJ Simpson,

you came up here and killed with black gloves on in Los Angeles. Fuck yeah, it's a triple joke, baby. Again, mark your fucking bingo cards, bitches. You're funny as fuck, dude. You have an amazing fucking powerful delivery. You believed in what you said. And one of my favorite

parts is when a joke didn't go, you fucking coughed at it or something like that. I don't know what that was. But you saved it by dissing your own flat joke, which I'm always a big fan of. How long have you been doing comedy? A year now. Wow. You're going to be a monster.

That's fucking incredible. Where are you from? From the Valley. Holy shit. That's shocking. Yeah. That's just really surprising. Most people as funny as you, Cope, come from like a funnier place, like a tougher street

or something like that. But no, you're just like a fucking little 15-minute drive away, huh? Yeah. If you had a car. Oh, I love that. Right. You metroing it? Yep.

That's amazing. The orange line, huh? it yep that's amazing the orange line huh yeah orange line to the red line straight up wow fuck yeah you get you get off at hollywood highland then walk down take the two about this is that when i first got here to la actually it wasn't even when i actually well yeah it was when i very first got here i worked at the beverly hills uh ruth's chris steakhouse waiting tables when i very first arrived this was like uh i don't know. Who gives a fuck? Anyway. But I didn't have a car either and I did have rollerblades. I'm not even fucking

kidding. I think I was 20 and I would get off. I'd basically rollerblade a mile downhill. Anyway, fuck it. Yeah, there it is. Party horns. Rollerblading's up there with windows and doors tonight.

Fuck yeah. How much material do you have, would you say? How much material do you have? I don't really know. I usually do open mics, and the most time I did was 15 minutes at some bar show. Clothing-wise, you have a lot of material. I guess so. Yes, I do.

The hat. Oh, yeah. No, no. We got it. We got a do. The hat. Oh, yeah. No, no. Yeah, we got it. We got a hat. Thank you. Thank you. That's the only guy that tags things that don't work.

The cigarette. Like that? I love that. These cigarette references that are coming out of nowhere. I was just tagging a joke that didn't work. All right. Darren, you're funny as fuck. What have you been doing all your life?

How old are you? I'm 25. Fuck yeah. What do you do for work? I just started working at Macy's. Oh, wow. You fooled them. I guess so.

What do you do there? I just fix the clothes up up make them look real pretty and shit get the fuck out of here yeah i do not take you for a macy's guy like i could picture you getting maced before working at macy's that's funny as fuck way too funny you guys have like racial he's laughing at it why aren't you white idiot tourists laughing at it i think i have a loaded up mace macy's joke in case somebody works at Macy's? No, I thought of that on the spot and he's black.

People are so weird and touchy nowadays. You can't even make a topical fucking joke. Yeah, like y'all didn't think he looks like an extra from Fruitvale Station, okay? Let's be honest. I don't even know what that is, but that does sound like that. What's Fruitvale know what that is, but that does sound...

What's Fruitville Station? What is Fruitville Station? I wouldn't peg Theo as watching that movie. Thank you, man. Appreciate it. Fruitville Station, the newest show on the KKK channel. It's the exact opposite of that. Yeah, funny as fuck.

E-Harmony, all that shit. What else is going on? Just trying to finish up classes for the semester so I can go balls deep during the winter. Oh, yeah. Balls deep during the winter. What are you studying? I'm studying English. Oh.

Yeah. Balls deep English. I'll make this shit look all nice. I'm minoring in poetry. Look all nice. I'm minoring in poetry. Balls deep in English, man. It's fucking incredible.

How close are you to graduating? I'm about to transfer to Cal State Northridge for the next school year. How many credit hours do you have left? I don't fucking know. I'm just trying to get this shit over. Well, a lot of people don't know this. Sometimes we give out spots to the Ice House, and sometimes we do something else. We actually have a scholarship now. I'm just fucking around.

Fucking asshole. It got too long and too real. That'd be so funny if we had a Kill Tony scholarship for people that say they're in college. That'd be fucking mind-blowing. Once a month, we give them a year of free tuition. Just give me a Chipotle, bro, and I'll be happy. No. Fuck.

No, we're not going to do that either. It's called the Iron Patriot Award. So what else? You just started this job at Macy's. How long have you been doing that? Maybe two weeks. Two weeks. Yeah.

You're just making clothes look nice, hanging them back up. I just did training, so I got away from the game and my actual schedule so just chilling can you make friday night at the ice house i could fucking make that shit all right wow look at that it's a great episode tonight darren you're a funny fucking dude and in a year you're super dangerous you clearly understand the importance of projecting and fucking getting their attention. You also stay in the moment when the joke didn't work. You broke down the walls and were the first to make fun of it before the crowd could even be silent. And then

you came over the top and did a really smart fucking Bruce Jenner take that I haven't heard and never thought of. And that's funny as fuck. Do you have more on Bruce Jenner? No, I just like to fuck with his dog. That shit is so good that you have to connect it with your next thing figure out a way to maybe not stay on bruce jenner but roll out of

it smoothly so that you can have that you know what i mean that's such a good fucking joke and when you do a lot of these open mics like i'm sure you're doing comedians will always laugh at fucking dick fart and shit and poopy shit and craziness keep writing smart jokes don't let those open mic laughs change you you know what I mean I notice a lot of people get in the habit of just trying to make those comedians laugh and they'll laugh at your failure just as fast as they'll laugh at a

good joke and that Bruce Jenner joke so good that that sounds like somebody that bombs a lot yeah those fucking people want to watch me fail. Anyway. Darren, anything else for Darren, guys? Look at this bad motherfucker.

Look at this, like a young Jamar Neighbors. No, I like the energy. Energy was good. Jokes were good. Great. I love it. Straight out of the valley. It's Darren Davis, everybody.

He's on Twitter. King D. City. Wow. Some good young comics coming up through the ranks. Darren Davis, Matthew Maloney. There's a lot of alliteration. You set us off into alliteration.

Ronda Rousey, Holly Holm, Darren Davis, Matthew Maloney. There's patterns everywhere. You just have to look for them. Oh, wow. There you go. Somebody did mushrooms this weekend. Oh, shit. No, I got it. I got it. It's the same one.

No, that's a first. Your next comic, never will have a chance in show business. Put your hands together for Eric Ebenante. So I was at this dispensary getting weed so I could write these jokes. And this hobo came up to me and he was like, Hey man, do you have any change?

I'm like, sorry man, all my money is to buy drugs. And he's like, that's cool, that's living the dream. I'm like, thanks, could you move your nightmare ass out of the way so I can get some drugs? It's personal for me because that's going to be me in two years. If you ever see a... And so he was like, fuck you, man. He walked away. And this other hobo came up to me and he's like, hey man, that was fucked up. Could I have some change? And I was like, no. And he's like, damn. I thought good hobo bad hobo was going to work there. If a hobo ever comes up to you and you see this is about to happen,

just be like, hey man, do you have any change? He'll be like, no, and it's like, it's cool, you can get me next time. Alright, and then, you know. There you go. Eric Abinante. There you go. Eric Abinante. I just like how natural you were out there.

Somebody was reading a text conversation back and forth. I love it. First of all, let's talk about the first thing. Pat, can you put the mic stand back where it was? Eric, you must be this tall in order to uh i love that you left the mic stand right in front of you you almost shadowed yourself with it it was like a some kind of creepy eclipse action uh so how long you've been on stand-up uh 42 days now. 42 days. Fuck yeah. That is an unbelievable number. I'm guessing you've done it twice

in 42 days. The other time was 42 days ago. One lint worth. What happened 42 days ago? What changed in your life? Just bored as fuck. Really? Yeah. What was going on before that? Nothing. I'm an autism tutor.

You're a what? Autism tutor. I think it rubbed off. I didn't know autism was airborne. Fuck yeah. 42 days. Are you still tutoring autistic kids? Yeah, I still tutor. You tutor them. That's not even like you're a teacher.

You're helping them with extra stuff that they think they need help with. No, I actually teach them how to read and write and shit. Oh, that's great. Not as funny, sorry. I meet a lot of girls that are in the spectrum, so I understand. Meet or fuck?

Yeah. so I understand. Meat or fuck? You were saying something, Fahim, early on at the beginning. Yeah, or what? I was going to ask how long he's been doing it, but he told you 42 days. It's very typical.

You're very new, and you're trying to ride that line of what's the bit, and then all these people are looking at me, you know, how do I get it out? So you're, like, combating stage fright with remembering your material, and that'll, like, wash away with time the more you do it.

Yeah, you stayed all on one joke, which is really, really good. It was really awesome. No hobo. You really should listen to your sets, though, because, like because your presentation was like a one sided conversation it wasn't really put into like

a joke form it was more like so then I talked to this guy and he was like oh my god I can't believe it you're always going to notice that a lot like Kyle Shields that's the difference between you guys and Darren Davis who came up guns a blazing with energy and a smile

what excites you because you seem like you cry a lot You know, you guys and Darren Davis, who came up guns a-blazin' with energy and a smile. What excites you? Because you seem like you cry a lot. I ate like five edibles before the show. I'm doing product photography for a weed company. And so it's like after you finish the photography, you're like, well, you have to eat it. So I ate it. Well, you ate it on stage too uh it happens quick um fuck yeah so eric what excites you you don't you're so you're high

as fuck right now so you really are about to cry like you're fucking tripping balls no it's a typical what kind of edibles were they gummy bears uh there were some pretzels there's a belgian chocolate there was peanut? There were some pretzels. There was a Belgian chocolate. There was peanut butter. You had pot pretzels? Yeah, it's a pretty magical world, Tony. Wait a second. We have something from Theo here. He's a rat.

Why are you getting so high? I feel like you should probably be focusing a little bit more. He's like my friend Scott. What else am I doing, you know? No, but I think that that can change. I think Tony has some good ideas and now you can probably get things headed into a better direction. It's true.

Yeah, you got to balance the things out. Do you work out? No. Obviously. Did you have to ask? Well, I mean, not really. You could jog, but I know that you don't. I'd go jogging with him. I would go to ask? Not really. You could jog. I would go on a hike with you.

I think you're funny. I could picture myself looking in your eyes and having a good conversation. This is a cool dude. Fuck yeah. Pat wants to go on a hike. Clearly he wants you to wear loose fitting clothing for that hike that you guys are going to go on.

I think you're funny. Fuck yeah. You got funny eyes. High eyes. Yeah, I want to see how funny your cock is in my butt. Jesus, Pat. Your dick tastes funny. You're funny, but your asshole's hilarious.

Eric, you ever had your heart broken? Eh, not really. Not really? You're just fucking impervious to everything, aren't you? Everything's boring to you, huh? I mean, just even coming on a live show in front of 100,000 downloads, you're like, I need five edibles

for this shit. It's my 42nd time on stage, so I got this. All right, so nothing interests you. You have no hobbies. I like shooting videos and shit. I'm kind of into Woody Allen, so I want to shoot stuff. I bet. If you're anything like Woody Allen, you want to shoot on a five-year-old Korean girl.

Hey, I didn't do it guys Woody Allen did it um so you're shooting like movies and stuff yeah yeah I'm shooting a uh music video tonight actually oh wow tonight after this after you did pot product placement and a spot ten dollars a gram dispensary people what. That's a plug. Everybody has a plug tonight for some reason. This is like the new thing. It's turned into like a hip-hop radio station where people are like, I'm Uncle Chow Chow. I'm my cousin Sally. Give a shout out.

Who does it? Hollywood Highland. So you've been doing this 42 days. Now what's the work ethic like? Uh, I do it like two or three times. I try to get out two or three times a night. I mean, I know it doesn't show yet, but you know, what do you do for money? Uh, I'm an autism tutor.

Oh, that's right. Yeah. Fuck. Yeah. Somehow forgot already. Those five edibles are rubbing off on me. My high is contagious. Yeah.

How are you doing so much drugs and teaching kids with autism? Do you have to get down to their level? I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It's fucking counting and basic words. How are you not doing drugs?

That's so fucking funny. You should write that down. Absolutely. That's a joke that only you could do. You teach autism kids and you get high and people are like, how do you get high and do that? And it's like, one plus one is still two. I never get that high to where I'm dumber than an autistic kid. I mean, that's a joke only you can do.

So fucking there you go. There's a little gift. That's what you get. Erica Benante, everybody. There you go. There's a little gift. That's what you get. Eric Ebenante, everybody. There you go. We're doing it tonight. Eric Ebenante is on Twitter at Eric Ebenante. A-B-B-E-N-A-N-T-E. Fuck yeah. This is

fun, right? It's interesting. I love that, by the way, I've noticed about the cigarette thing, it's gotten funnier every time. I've never seen one go like from one, it's like, oh, it didn't work. Two, boom. Three, bang. I'm excited to see maybe there'll be a fourth cigarette callback.

That's right. Let's get some fucking female energy up here, guys. Finally, we pulled a lady out of the bucket. Leah Mansfield, everyone. Here she comes. I'm just standing in your window. She's letting your people out. Trying to break the show. Y'all with the best hands. How do I go? Yeah. Leah Mansfield, everyone. Here she comes.

Yeah! Let's hear it for her lady! It's a shame I left my dick at home. Yeah, man. So, uh... Just let you take that in for a second. My dick is bigger than my right leg. It's fine. I had to buy it.

A lot of people want to know if my name is Leah or Leah. And I'm like, you just call me sir. That's fine. Especially if you see me from behind first. You're like, I need help from that little boy. Thank you. I have terrible gaydar.

I'm a gay. You guys all got that? Everybody's good. I have terrible gaydar. Like I pretty much just have hope dar. Like I see women, I'm like, man, I hope she a gay. You guys all got that? Yeah, everybody's good. I have terrible gaydar. Like, I pretty much just have hopedar. Like, I see women, I'm like, man, I hope she's gay. She's not. If I'm into her, she's not.

She's straight. If I can tell they're gay from a distance, I'm like, well, we can drink beer together. That's pretty much it. Has it been a minute? Or are we? Yeah, all right, cool. Now. What's amazing about that sometimes the comedy gods just fucking hit a show right in the head out of all the times we've done this show

i have never been the guy and i've hosted tons of shows i'm never oh a lady everybody you a female and i did it once and then after doing it once which I never do I actually did it again which is unbelievable I'm like oh some female energy it's great to get a lady up to the stage it's like and never before have we had Leah Mansfield on the show and it's just amazing to me how fun I looked at the clock it was 26 seconds in until you even had to start doing jokes. Literally half your set was spent just milking that which is amazing, which is great. That's exactly what a huge part of

this is. Just as important as jokes is taking what's given to you and rolling with that momentum. Your set was so good I wasn't even paying attention to the clock. You were 12 seconds over, man. Thank you. Very, very fun. Amazing stuff. You've been doing over, man. Thank you. Very, very fun. Amazing stuff.

Thank you. You've been doing comedy a while. I have. It's been almost 10 years. A little over 10 years. Yeah. Yeah. It shows.

You definitely have chops. Where have you been? Well, I started in Denver. Great comedy scene. Thank you. Yes. I love Denver. And then I moved to Vegas.

That was terrible. And after a year in Vegas, I moved to Minneapolis. Yeah, thank you. I loved Minneapolis. That's where I started on the road was Minneapolis. Then I did a year and a half in Seattle and then I moved to LA two years ago. Fuck yeah. I don't like staying in one place or meeting people

very well. Typical lesbian gets around a lot. I am a huge whore. That's so fun. That's got to be a blast for you. Where's your favorite spot for out of all the cities? Yeah.

You're so ridiculous. A willing vagina audience is always fantastic. I love it. Man, one of my favorite shows in the country is the Monday Night Comedy Show in Minneapolis. It's in just a basement bar. Shout out. Yeah, no, I love that show.

Man. That's so fun. So you've been doing it 10 years. How long have you lived in LA? Two, just about two. Hell yeah. And you've been getting up a lot here? Yeah, some here and there.

I'm parking cars at a hospital during the day, so that's how well comedy is going. It's fantastic. Oh, you're not the stunt woman for tignitaro i know right uh i just thought she's doing so much stuff now that she had a stand-in at least but really well when she does need one i'm sure i know i'm gonna have to trim my boobs down a little i think that's right boom they grew in like 14 years ago and they I need to like I want to cut them back anyway but how does that work you know what I mean

like it's an interesting thing that obviously we would have no idea about because you know I'd imagine and maybe I'm like way out of line here but I'd imagine in that lesbian game you're more of the alpha right? I actually like a strong

feminine woman who will make the first move in all of life except in bed and then I'm in charge do what I say, make me a sandwich she never does I end up making the sandwich and coffee and everything I'm definitely the butch whatever she never does i end up making the sandwich and coffee and everything so yeah no i

i'm the i'm definitely the the butch like i i fall under the butch femme dichotomy which i never intended to do it was not like you you come out of the closet you're like i'm gonna be a butch and i'm only gonna date femmes uh but that's just how it ended up that's amazing yeah do you identify as a as a young man or as a young woman I identify as a young woman people have asked me if I wanted to transition I'm like no men smell like tree bark I don't want to be a part of that so

but I love I love like really feminine women and so one thing that I think we've all noticed is that let's face it the more butch type of lesbian always gets the hottest chicks like is that how it works with you are you always walking around with like chubby chaser no um you know i'm 38 so uh it used to be i dated just hot women i i had an ex-girlfriend who looked like a Swedish swimsuit model. Right.

That's what I was picturing. But she was insane. She was insane. So now there has to be another component of personality where it's like I have to get along, no drama. And you have to know about things like space. You know? Right. You know why Gravity, the movie Gravity was fucked up. If so, and you're hot, then we can fuck, right?

So you need someone with a little brain. Yeah, absolutely. My parents are scientists, so I grew up around really smart people, and I really enjoy very long conversations followed by pussy eating. That's my favorite. Awesome. It's the best. So funny.

I would love to have you on the show Friday also. Awesome. Wow, it's all getting booked right in front of you. I would love to have you on the show Friday also. It's all getting booked right in front of you. Booking the whole show today. It's happening right now. Leah, you are funny as fuck. Thank you so much. Yeah, yeah. We have to figure out a way to yeah. Okay.

Yeah. Get you famous somehow. Okay. You know, that's cool. I'd be down. How much material do you have? An hour. You know, that's cool. I'd be down. Even just like- How much material do you have? An hour. I mean, I can headline on the road like really shitty one-nighters and stuff. Have you ever made an album or anything? No.

I'm kind of- Tig Notaro is my favorite comic and my hero. And she never recognizes me, which is fantastic because I opened for her once and I bombed. So I'm really glad she- She doesn't recognize you? How is that possible? If I was Tig Notaro and I saw you, I would think I was just walking by a mirror.

You know what I mean? No. Yeah, so I don't need to be famous. I just want to not park cars for cancer patients at a hospital. Oh, it's cancer patients? Wow. Do sometimes you park their car and they just don't come back because they die? I'm just asking.

Hey, questions you can only ask the valet at a cancer place, all right? Actually, yeah. There's days when you're like, all right, see you tomorrow. And then they just never come back. Yeah, and you're just like, well, they didn't tip anyway, so. Fuck yeah. Get out of here. I'm going to let you out on a laugh.

Leah Mansfield. Look out. She's coming. Leah Mansfield. Holy shit. That was great. So fun. What a fucking crazy show.

This is like old school Johnny Carson or some shit. We're seeing the future here tonight. This is the crystal ball episode of Kill Tony. Put your hands together for your next comedian. There's a little bit of a scratch out here. I might be just like last time when I tried to preface what I pulled out of the

bucket. I might be wrong about the crystal ball thing. Put your hands together for Gary Curtis. I was gonna go with it. bucket. I might be wrong about the crystal ball thing. Put your hands together for Gary Curtis. They say English is the hardest language to learn. I honestly believe that's only because they haven't declared woman as a language yet. Now, I was having this conversation with my girlfriend. Well, fellas, have you ever been having a conversation with your girl, and then you realize that you're in the middle of an argument? Like, how the fuck did I get in here? So we're having this conversation, and then she ends it going,

see, I was right. I'm always right. I was like, okay. So I'm leaving later that day. I was ends it going, See, I was right. I'm always right. I was like, okay. So I'm leaving later that day. I was like, bye, baby. I love you. Mwah. She was like, I love you more. I was like, you right. And, uh...

Yeah, she got mad. I said, how can you get mad? You just told me you're always right. She was like, well, not now. I said, always means always. She was like, well, not now. I said, always means always. She was like, not now. I was like, okay, so since you're always mean something different than my always, sure, we'll always be together.

All right, John, that's my time. There you go, 55 seconds of thunder. Gary Curtis. Very, very funny, man. You've been doing comedy a while, too, huh? Two years. Two years. Wow.

You have a good look. Everything is, I think, what Red Band would call on fleek. On fleek. Yeah, especially the eyebrows. Wow. I appreciate that. You take good care of yourself. You chiseled that today, right?

Yeah, yeah, definitely, yeah. I mean, that's as fresh as it gets. You got to look good for the podcast. This is for the podcast, yeah. All right. Had to look good for the podcast. This is for the podcast. All right. Had to look good for it. You got that cardigan clearly straight from the closet of Drake. That's what I was going for today.

I love it. Where are you from? Originally from Jersey. Wow. Fuck yeah. Yeah, yeah. It's amazing that you shave regularly. Normally people from Jersey don't even shower.

So that's pretty amazing. I feel like the audience is wet for you. I like to have the audience is wet for me. Thanks. I think Pat's just gay tonight. Yeah, Pat's super gay tonight. Was it just tonight? Yeah.

I'm pretty sure you made Pat's butt wet, is what he's saying. No. I don't's saying. No? I don't think so. No? Uh-oh. You know what that sound means. It's time for Pat to show his wet butthole.

Let's see that wet bunga. Let's see it now. Gary, it's true. I can sort of see what Pat is saying, though. There's something. It looks like you're sort of like an R&B singer doing comedy. Yeah, yeah. You know what I mean?

You need to do females-only shows like Teddy Pendergrass. Nobody's going to get that reference, but. Right. And then Pat wants you to invite him to those only shows. He'll be in the fucking front row waiting for you to bust out the tearaway pants. Pat, I love it. You're like leaning in closer and everything. I'm trying to get a whip out of tearaway pants. Pat, I love it. You're like leaning in closer and everything. I'm trying to get a whip out of him.

You're getting hella gay right now, bro. I'm like watching a little gay thing morph out of you, bro. You're like a little gay moon just coming over. I feel like there's a flashlight attached to the back of your guitar right now, and you're just molesting yourself. Gary, so this is your first time on the show, right? No, I did it a few weeks ago. Oh, really?

What did you do, bleach your skin afterwards or something? Why can't I remember you? No, I don't know. Because you were too busy looking at his dick, bro. It was with Joe and Ian. Oh, okay. That's fun. How did that go?

It went well. Yeah, five times. You guys liked it. Hell yeah. Yeah, it was cool. So what else is going on? You were originally from Jersey. How long have you lived in L.A.?

I've been in L.A. two years. Uh-huh. Where do you live? I live, like, around the corner from USC. Off Vermont. Oh, okay. That's an interesting area. Vermont what?

It is. Uh-oh. Pat wants that. There, okay. That's an interesting area. Vermont what? Uh-oh. Pat wants that. There it is. Pat wants that cross street, everybody. Will he get it? It's time for another fun segment we call Pat Wants That Cross Street. We already have Vermont.

Gary, is it north or south of Sunset? Oh, it's south of Sunset. Oh, it's south of Sunset. You know what that means. Yeah, south of sunset. All right, all right. You're waiting for that chorus. You have to put it near the chorus.

You're clearly waiting for the part. You're in the middle of the first verse. If you hit play now, it's probably going to happen. That's right. I'm waiting for it. We'll wait for it. I'm going to set it up, and then you'll be able to hit it. All right.

Is it south of? No, come on, man. Pat, where do you live? I used to live at Vermont and 37th Place when I went to USC. Oh, are you close to that? Yeah, I'm close. It's crazy. Yeah, there it is. Comic timing right there.

I feel like that's the only time I've ever heard that first verse to It's Raining Men. It was on this show for 15 seconds longer than it should have been. It's like a totally different song. Oh, fuck. Gary, you dress dress well what do you do for work so i'm a treasury analyst i help manage companies cash get the fuck out of here yeah i actually i used to work in banking then i came here got like on the corporate side i work at a company but i told them i'm quitting today to go to a different company damn yeah you're just laying down the law. Yeah.

Love it. Treasury, huh? Yeah. You're just working with money. Yeah, that's it. Hmm. That's fun. You ever take some?

Nah, I wish. Back when I used to work at the bank, I did, but not, you know. You did? Yeah. Is that easy to do at a bank? When you're a teller, it used to be. Yeah. Yeah. I probably shouldn't incriminate myself on this.

Hopefully there's a statute of limitations or something like that. Yeah, definitely. That was back in the day. Way back. Wised up. Your Honor, it was way back in the day. And it was just a sperm bank. I mean, who's really the thief here?

Me or the bank? Let's be serious. Right. Man, brother. They are. Absolutely. You took that shit. Yeah, let's get political.

I love it. Well, fun times, Gary. It was nice to meet you. Thanks for coming on the show. All right. What else is going on? Anything else? Shit.

You getting up a lot, Gary? There's so much. Not that much every now and then. Yeah? Yeah. Also, yeah, the parlor. I opened up at the parlor a couple months ago. So you're getting up?

Yeah, every now and then. Yeah. I do a bunch of videos with BuzzFeed and shit. That shit, it's fun sometimes. Tell them to stop ruining our Facebooks. Yeah. Busy, huh? What happens next to this girl?

Yeah. All right. Funny stuff, man. Gary, very fun. Thanks for coming on the show. He's on Twitter at GKurt at CSB. Funny stuff, man. Gary, very fun. Thanks for coming on the show. He's on Twitter at GKurtCSB. Gary Curtis, everybody. GKurtCSB.

This part of the show, we are going to go outside of the bucket for our one and only regular. Every single week, we have one girl who writes and performs in New 60 Seconds every single week. I want to see that. She is the newest regular here on Kill Tony. Put your hands together for the always adorable stylings of the likable and nervous Melissa Esslinger

everyone. Here she is. People used to ask me if I ride the short bus. I thought they were making a size joke. Short bus. A lot of people spend a lot of time trying to think outside of the box, but I'm still trying to figure out how to get in it. I looked up normal in the dictionary. It said not abnormal.

So I looked up abnormal, and it said not normal. Fuck you, dictionary. It's not very helpful. Kind of put the you, dictionary. It's not very helpful. Kind of put the dick in dictionary. Is that a minute? Oh, shit. 53 seconds. You have a six-second choke?

Oh, yeah, I'm so sure that, like, automatic doors don't open for me. There you go. A new minute from Melissa Esslinger. The party horn is out. Keep the mic up. You did it again. That's another new minute.

That counts. I would definitely, when you do a short joke about the short bus, you don't have to wait and see and react to their reaction. You know what I mean? You don't really even have to do that joke. Plow forward. No, that's not true. Don't listen to Red Band.

He always tries to play bad cop with the regular. And that's not true. That joke's perfectly fine if it's cluttered between other short stuff. If you're talking about being small and people fucking with you, then it makes sense. What comes after that joke, it shouldn't just be a one-liner. You know what I mean? It's more of a semi-premise. You know what I mean? Short bus, ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba.

It could be anything before or after it, but to let it stand on its own, that's where you're going to get in trouble. Had you done the short bus and then the automatic doors, or the automatic doors and then the short bus, you'd get a different reaction from the short bus. Right. But letting it stand on its own.

Lump all your topics together so you have a chunk instead of just like a standalone joke. Yeah. Or you could even preface it by saying, I'm small. I thought people used to fuck with me when they were saying, want to ride the short bus? Like, no, I want to ride the tall bus or whatever. You know, you can go anywhere with it. Yeah. But you just have to beat it out because I don't really

think you're a one liner person and it's fun to test out premises here and that's exactly what it's good for is for you to hear it and to see how to work around it but I've never heard anybody make a short joke off of a short bus thing so it's not

hacky so you're on to something. And the automatic doors, is that true? Let's get into it more. Yeah, actually it is true. Especially like it doesn't happen at like every automatic door. I haven't figured out what causes it, what kind of sensor it is. Right. But these are the things I think about when I approach doors that say automatic on them.

Like am I going to have to jump? Am I going to have automatic on them. Like, am I going to have to jump? Am I going to have to wave my hands up? Am I going to have to do this? Or I can just casually wait until somebody is, like, walking with me. There you go. There it is. That's how it happens. Bring a date to an automatic door.

Exactly. Theo, use the mic. Yeah, Theo's the first ever Theo's the first guy to podcast history to go no mic on it so what was that I said Melissa just because we've seen you

for now I don't know how many weeks but you are doing a lot of really short jokes yeah and that aren't fleshed out so I mean just work harder at expanding whatever that thought is whatever that germ or that idea is yes let it grow put it on a petri dish and wonder what we would ask you it's getting to the point to where you know you're seeing it sort of I'm always gonna say if it's a one liner, super short joke, you know, to beat it out and to figure out what the beginning and what the end is. And we just did then that clearly the automatic doors thing, jump, wave, take a date to the automatic doors is clearly a joke for that.

I mean, I haven't seen her trajectory at all. I've only seen like tonight. Right. Maybe it's an exercise like an entire minute next time. Just about one topic. Yeah. Because that's not a crazy task just to talk about something at length for a minute. Right. That's not. Yeah. It would kind of force

you to do that. Don't even get me started on Gary Curtis. There you go. That's for you podcast listeners. That was actually him shooting himself after that. No, but you know, I mean, it's all good because, and by the way, this is something that we saw with our two other regulars for two years. You know what I mean? It's not necessarily completely out of the question for during a tough week.

And I've seen you do one subject before. I think it was even last week. I think only one. Yeah. Anyway, it's not terribly out of the realm to bring sort of premise ideas here and let fucking creepy

minds flush them out a little bit for you. You know what I mean? Because that's sort of what we do. So I also like that. There's definitely a balance between everything and just keep chipping away. Because it's also one thing that I'll say to

expand on what Fahim was saying is that you'll be amazed how much easier it is to get laughs off of one subject than it is to change direction and what you did is the ultimate toughest thing to do because you started with a short joke went into another joke and then went back

to a short joke which it into another joke, and then went back to a short joke, which it's like then you're really separating. You're making it so much harder on yourself than you have to. Whereas once people are already in on a subject, it's much easier for them to digest the next joke on that. Melissa Esslinger is going to be a monster, ladies and gentlemen, and she's being built

right here at Kill Tony, writing and performing a new minute every week. Melissa Esslinger. right here at Kill Tony, writing and performing a new minute every week. Melissa Esslinger. What do we got? 9.35? Huh. What do we got? Let's see what happens here. Tam Fam, everybody. Tam Fam.

Hey. what happens one quick one tam fam everybody tam fam awesome hey uh when i quit my job i had to slash my food budget so much that in three months i went from 160 pounds to 120 i was in fact to begin with in fact i set an unofficial world record as the skinniest person ever to lose 40 pounds in 90 days. Non-AIDS division. I'm too skinny and too short to be attractive to anybody aside from pedophiles. I once thought that maybe I should convert to Islam just to be eligible for 72 virgins but how awkward would that be? Imagine what would happen if I was alone in a room with 72 virgins

there would be 73 virgins Thanks That's amazing What's funny is when you were halfway through the 72 virgins joke, I was actually going to give you the joke that you said is the punchline. And so you were, you got it. That's a funny joke, Tam Fam. You got it.

You nailed it. Tam Fam, how are things going? You are the most Asian looking motherfucker I've ever seen in my life. Like it's incredible. I disagree with that. Really? Yeah, but go on guys. How are things?

You've been one of our fun people that have regularly gotten pulled out of the bucket. You have that famous Asian luck that they all have at the casinos. Get pulled out of the bucket a lot. How are things going? We've seen you a few times. How's the progress?

Going pretty well. You used to wear a shirt that said at TamFam comedy on it. You were very popular for that. Yeah, on Twitter. It also said that as if people couldn't figure out at TamFam comedy was your Twitter handle. You've gone no at TamFam

comedy. We saw him four or five times wearing the branded shirt and he started going no shirt and things started going a little bit better for you. How's that working out? Sets are going pretty well. I started, I'm not sure if it's the shirt or not but I think people are liking my stuff more. I cut out

a lot of the worst jokes and I'm just sort of filtering stuff down to my best material right now. I don't really get that. Out of all the jokes I've heard you say, the 160, 140 seems like a long setup. What are you saying there? Were you really 160? Yeah. And then you got down to 140?

120. And why? How? I quit my job and just had to cut down on expenses. Food. What were you eating? Food. Chicken. Go on, say it. Rice, motherfucker. Say rice.

Piece of shit. Fall into my trap, Tam Fam. Good news is he'll be performing at the Rice House this Friday everybody no I'm kidding bye Tam Fam there he goes Rice House jokes that's the episode everybody we got through it Ryan Chae Ebelt makes art

every single week for the show he drew tonight's episode with Fahim Anwar follow him at Fahim Anwar and check out his many great things look at his fucking art is this incredible or what Theo Vaughn check out his many great things. Look at this fucking art. Is this incredible or what? Theo Vaughn, check out his special on Netflix. You have it. Watch it. That's coming

out in February. Theo Vaughn and Fahim Anwar. Patty Reagan is Patty Reagan. Melissa Esslinger, Jamie Vernon, at Josh Martin Comic, Ryan J. E. Belt. I'm Tony Hinchcliffe. I'm Red Band. See you guys soon. Thank you, live audience. We love you. Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye. We rise an hour early just like daylight save its time You and me, baby, ain't nothing but mammals So let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel

You and me, baby, ain't nothing but mammals So let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel Thank you.