KILL TONY - KILL TONY #130

Episode Date: November 30, 2015

Jamar Neighboors, Michael Kosta, Melissa Eslinger, Tony Hinchcliffe, Pat Regan, Josh Martin, Brian Redban - Date: 11/23/2015 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony here at DeathSquad.TV. Huge news guys, if you live in Texas, oh your holiday season just got an upgrade. Me and Tony Hinchcliffe are bringing Kill Tony to Austin and Dallas. December 26th we'll be in Austin at the Spider House Ballroom. It's going to be Kill Tony at 8pm.m., followed by a comedy show at 10.30 p.m., and whoever is the best local comic that we choose from Kill Tony gets to open up for us at the comedy show. Now, that's December 26th, the day after Christmas in Austin, but then the day after that, December 27th, we'll be in Dallas doing the same thing at Hyena's Comedy Club.

That'll be Kill Tony at 7.30 p.m. followed by a comedy show at 9.30 p.m. You get tickets by going to DeathSquad.tv and clicking on tour dates. And don't forget, we're always, every Monday, at the Comedy Store in the Belly Room doing Kill Tony. Every Tuesday, we have the have the roast battle which is the verbal violence the very popular roast battle every tuesday night in the belly room and every friday we have the ice house comedy show and that's at the ice house in pasadena all these can be found by going to death squad.tv and clicking on tour dates the new death squad shirt is in stock and it ships this week.

If you haven't ordered Taco Cat, there's a few left. Go to shopsquad.tv for all the official Death Squad merchandise. And don't forget to go to Tony Hinchcliffe's website, TonyHinchcliffe.com, for all the news and information about the Golden Pony himself,

Tony Hinchcliffe. All right, guys. Here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony Live. Hi everybody. Hey, this is Rampant coming to you live from the real famous comedy store for a brand new episode of Kill

Tony Volume 3. Give it up for Tony Hensley. Yes. Hello. Welcome. Yes. Avery Pearson, ladies and gentlemen. Avery, come take a bow.

Where are you? Avery Pearson. And Jamar Neighbors. Getting the crowd. Work to a frenzy. Avery is on Twitter at AveryIsFunny, everybody. Just got back from the New York Comedy Festival. One more time for Avery.

And Jamar, I smell a rap album coming from them, everybody. Welcome to Kill Tony. Here we are again. Put your hands together for Brian Redband. He's here, everybody. Hi, guys. Pat Reagan is out on a Thanksgiving break

of some kind, but also keep it going for your house artist, everybody, Ryan J. Ebel. Right there. He draws every episode of the show. So he's already started drawing because the show just started, everybody. Fuck yeah. And we got Jamie Vernon in the back, turning this

into an HD live podcast. And here we are. This is the live show. Normally we would be streaming this show. We are streaming it. We fixed it. It worked? Yep.

Oh, well. Live audience, make some noise for the thousands of people that are watching the show that you're at right now. We can only fit so many in this fucking shoebox. You understand? Other people watch live. We can only fit so many in this fucking shoebox. You understand? Other people watch live. We go up against Monday Night Raw. We go up against Monday Night Football.

I say, fuck you guys. We are here, and we are competing to some degree. There are thousands of people watching this right now, hundreds on Periscope, and tens and tens live in this room right now uh i'm so excited that everybody's here we're gonna have another fun amazing episode uh we have anything to promote no well this is this if you're if you're listening to it live there's a couple tickets left for uh sunday november 27th in columbus ohio yeah and we're sold out all four shows are all sold out

opening they're opening parts of the venue that haven't been opened before for our show. They're adding chairs behind bars and stuff. No big deal. So let's get tonight's episode started. As always, we always have two of the funniest comedians in the world. I just so happen to be friends with all of the funniest comedians in the world. And so I am always happy to have them come on, hang out, and happen to be friends with all of the funniest comedians in the world. And so I am always happy to have them come on,

hang out, and talk to comedians with me. This week's no different. Truly, I always say this, but this is truly two of the funniest human beings walking this planet. Put your hands together for Jamar Neighbors and Mike Costa, everybody. Michael Costa

and Jamar Neighbors. Jamar Neighbors and Michael Costa, everybody. Michael Costa and Jamar neighbors. Jamar neighbors and Michael Costa. Oh! We remember you from earlier. And Michael Costa. Fucking welcome, guys. Welcome back. Jamar, you've already killed it in this room tonight. Jamar's stage presence

is just unbelievable, is it not? Yes, it's the stage presence. It's nothing else. is just unbelievable, is it not? Yes, it's the stage presence. It's nothing else. He runs off of presents alone. Speaking of presents,

Christmas is around the corner. Are we close? Are we too close? I'm okay with this physically. You okay with this? I'll fucks with you so you can be close to me. It's okay. I feel like we're all comfortable here. It's a little bit squozen in.

Squozen? Yeah, it's squozen. That's German. Yeah. It's good squozen in. That's as good. Great answer for Josh Martin, everybody. Look at him over here.

He's the one that sets up everything halfway so that it always falls at an inopportune time and makes noises when we don't need them. But he's the man. He's known for spilling drinks on people so you're gonna see maybe some of that will happen throughout the night josh martin our accident prone runaround producer uh so guys you know what we do there's a bunch of comedians that sign up they put their names in the bucket that's amazing then when i pull a name out they come on stage and they do stand-up for 60 seconds

and we get to sort of see who they are, get a feel for them. And then we talk to them about anything in the world. All of a sudden, we're all on a podcast together. Crazy, right?

I think it's super ballsy for people to come up here because I don't know about you, Tony, my very first time performing, it was like six minutes. There was more time to kind of,

it was more time to, you know, be comfortable with the stage. My first time performing, it was like six minutes. There was more time to kind of, it was more time to be comfortable with the stage. My first time when I did stand-up comedy, I did an hour and a half in Madison Square Garden. I didn't say it was a good six minutes, but I'm saying one minute is a fuck. That's tough. Oh yeah, totally. One fucking minute. Yeah, and sometimes it's too long

for what we end up seeing. Comedians, you know too long for what we end up seeing. Comedians, you know how it works. You get 60 seconds. You know your 60 seconds is up when you hear the sound of a kitty. Aw, that's adorable. That means wrap it up then or I'm sure going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. Jesus God, he's vicious tonight.

Oh my goodness, did it skip? We're operating off of CDs here, everybody. So let's do it. You guys ready? Kick off the show. It's Kill Tony. Kill Tony. Episode 130, by the way.

Yeah. Episode 130. No big deal, you motherfuckers. A lot of people have 130 episodes of a hit live podcast. By the way, we're the number one live podcast out this week. Number one live podcast in the world, this is. Wow. There you go.

Live podcast. So that means you have to be in front of a live audience every episode. Wait until you have Jamar's stage presence on this thing. It's going to really blow up. You know what I mean? Stage presence is the most important thing when it comes to podcasts. Not a lot of people know that. I pulled the name out of the bucket.

Now, I always love one-word names. It almost foreshadows a lot. Sometimes it sets the expectations low and they blow you away. Sometimes they might be a monster and they're disappointing. You never know, but they're always something. I hope it's Earthquake. Earthquake's the only one that actually I feel like that's the only one name

that's really a killer, right? Carrotop, I guess, is one. Is it one? That's two. Is there a dash? Nope, that's two. That's another good one named Comedian. Top. Sinbad. Sebastian, but he goes by Sebastian Maniscalco. Is there a dash? Nope, that's two. That's another good one named comedian. Mr. Top. Mr. Top. Oh, yeah, Sinbad.

Sinbad, thank you. Sinbad's the one. Sebastian, but he goes by Sebastian Maniscalco. Yeah. But let's see. Here we go. This is an interesting one. Put your hands together for Fanto.

Woo! Fanto. Oh, no. There's no Fanto. You've got to be kidding me. I hyped it up. I hyped up the... I never do that.

I never pull out... Oh, there's the... The... All right. Nothing's funnier than a sound effect of gunshots at the comedy store. Right. Right. Oh, too soon.

Too soon. What do you mean me? There was Redman through gunshots. There was also a rooster at the comedy store last week. That was my homie. I can't believe there's no Fanto. I'm really disappointed in that.

If anybody knows Fanto, tell them that we're really saddened by their... So Fanto was maybe like a group? Maybe it was group comedy. I pulled another name out of the bucket. This sounds like a real human being. How about Charlie O'Connor? Woo!

What the fuck? What the fuck? Oh my god. It hurts. That's what it feels like. It feels like being shot and then a wolf in the middle of the night. In the middle of a quiet night. That's exactly what it feels like.

Maybe Charlie and Fanto are fucking in the bathroom. Is that what's going on? I hope they're both guys and that's what they're doing. I am getting high for a thousand for sure. Alright. Nice job, Red Band. Jacques Nantemwe. Jacques Nantemwe.

Yeah. Yeah! Yeah! Come on, people! Yeah! There was a lot of controversy about Obama saying the N-word on a podcast over the summer, which, if you think about it, isn't that much of a historical problem.

People freaked out about it, but he's the first president to say the N-word on a podcast, but he's, like, the 44th president to say the N-word. Do you realize, like, I mean, it's not all bad, either, because, like, do you realize how many times someone had to say the N-word to, like, get the Emancipation Proclamation passed? Like, Lincoln said Negro, and they were like,

is that an animal, vegetable, or mineral? And he said, well, it's pre-Civil War South, so all three. I like how he snaps for that. I don't know about you guys, but have you ever had a woman leave you because your dick is too big? Fuck yeah, 60 seconds from Jacques. How do you say your last name?

Ntoma. Ntona. Ntoma. Ntoma. It's Cameroonian. Hell yeah. I was gonna say, I wasn't thinking that this is what Jacques was gonna look like,

to be honest with you. That's how I get jobs. Really? Where do you work? I'm a lawyer. I actually was on here a while back. Yeah, you did really good last time too, right? Oh, I did terrible last time.

Oh, really? Yeah. Oh, I remember that. You did shitty last time. I don't remember that. I love it. So you're a lawyer? Yeah, yeah.

Wow. Yeah. Like, what kind of lawyer? Employment law. Employment law. Yeah. You're a lawyer. I'm barred in Texas, yeah. I mean, barred in California.

Barred in California. Yeah. So what the fuck are you doing here right now, man? You also stand up comic. Yeah, I loved comedy before law school, and then I went to law school and didn't do any comedy. And then I started doing it. Are you like funny in the courtroom? Do you like fart really loud and like,

objection at the same time? Your Honor, let's be honest. He is the 44th president to say the N-word. What's the funniest thing you've ever done in the courtroom? Usually be identified as a defendant. Oh, shit. I'm not kidding about that. That's amazing.

Do you talk about that on stage? I sort of keep those lives separate, actually. Yeah. Well, that's ruined after this broadcast. I love it. Now, have you always rocked that haircut? I remember when, not only do I remember when Jamar once had that haircut, I remember when Michael Kosta once had that haircut.

I used to have that haircut. That's how far back I go. Yep, yep. Josh used to have that haircut. Yeah, he did. Josh Martin. They're up there. He's periscoping right now.

Look at him up there. You were born in the United States. Yeah, I'm from the D.C. area. From the D.C. area. From the D.C. area. Were your parents in some form of diplomacy or for the U.S. government? What happened with that? My dad worked for the World Bank, the IMF. Yeah, I know what the IMF is.

It's a World Bank. Yeah. IMF. Yeah, my parents are both immigrants. Cool. All right. Do you talk about that at all? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, my parents are both immigrants. Cool. All right. Do you talk about that at all? Yeah, yeah.

Yeah. I thought you were really funny, man. That Obama joke was great. I thought it was fantastic. I'd love to hear the end of, does the girl ever leave you because your dick is too big? Although it was pretty funny just asking the question, and that's it.

Because obviously this is something that you've experienced many times. Have you ever had that as a big problem people have not wanted to have sex with me again you have a huge mostly Asians or all girls all girls all girls it looks like the black guy in every diversity program. That's me. Smart guy, Afro glasses. Give him a pilot. Yeah.

That's a compliment. Oh, well, thank you. It's your big-ass dick. Now, that's interesting. Do you talk more about that, or do you just have that one line Where you do that Is there more to that or did you get cut off Oh yeah actually the rest of that

Is saying me neither But I have had a lot of strong women Hobble out of my life Okay Not because you're dick But because you break their legs Is that why? Yeah.

Yes, it's a... That's what it is. It's a misery sort of thing. Why would they hobble? Oh, well, I think Jamar can explain that to you. Hobble is a funny comedic word. But I'm saying, if you're saying that me neither... I can't explain that.

But I've made a few hobble, then how do you do it? What do you? Just by your thrusting or something? Well, no, no, no. Like you really just inflict like physical pain? Well, he got some long ass fingers. It's more. He does have.

He actually got some long ass fingers. Holy shit. Those are some ridiculous fingers. Those are like steak eyes. Let me bite your finger, man. Come here. Let me bite your finger. It looked like.

Got some ketchup on it. Cantaloupe slices. No, no. I mean, I guess I... I thought it was more funny as like a misdirection thing of like, oh, maybe, oh, no, okay, I'm saying she leaves, and then it turns out, oh, no, she actually doesn't leave for that, but she does hobble out. You know, so it's sort of like, my dick is too big.

Oh, it's not actually that big. Oh, it is sort of big. I see what you did there. You broke it down like a weatherman, and I appreciate that. That's what I do in court. What do you do for fun? I like to go hiking and listen to jazz.

Wow. Is this your... Yeah, there you go. You just found your date. Huge jazz fans here tonight. No, seriously, yeah. He's gonna make it. You really like listening to jazz? Yeah, yeah. There's a great... There's the piano bar on Wednesdays. It's going to make it. You really like listening to jazz?

Yeah, there's a great piano bar on Wednesdays. It's really, really great. It's real jazz. It's like improvised jazz. Yeah, yeah. I try it. Whenever I go listen to jazz, I realize I like blues.

Does that ever happen to anybody? I hate jazz. I need a hook. I'm not that smart. Does that ever happen to anybody? I hate jazz. I need a hook. I'm not that smart. Miles Davis, Bitches Brew. Bitches Brew, Miles Davis. Try that out. Okay.

I'll try it out. The jazz prescriptionists over here in red pants. Smoke a joint. Smoke a joint and listen to that. It's cool to like jazz. I'm admitting that I'm uncool, but I keep trying to like it it and I just keep leaving going I need someone to go but I know down down that's what I need yeah that's what I need yeah why did I make this about me you play jazz do you play instrument oh no I wish you just look like a jazz musician that's actually another subject of a joke yeah another subject of a joke

that you do yeah yeah cuz everyone I to jazz, everyone assumes I'm a musician. Sure. In LA, especially. Yeah. But then you're like, nope, I'm a lawyer. What's the craziest company that you've defended, employment law? Like, what's the way, have you ever worked for, like,

Target or, like, Best Buy or anything like that? No, in one interview, the law firm was, it was interviewing to work at a law firm, and they said, this is the only way I can like jazz when there's someone else talking over the jazz. Have you ever thought about doing your comedy with jazz behind it, combining your two worlds? Oh, definitely, definitely.

Here, keep going. Tell me more. Tell me more. Isn't this snap judgment on NPR? Combining your two worlds? Oh, definitely, definitely. Here, keep going. Tell me more, tell me more. Isn't this snap judgment on NPR? Isn't that with stories with a beat or some shit? Okay, sorry. I don't know that reference, but it sounds dead on. Where I was doing an interview with the law firm,

and they were like, we're currently defending BP with the Deepwater Horizon oil spill, and how do you feel about that? And I came up with a really bullshit answer because I still wanted the job. I was like, well, I think in democracy you need someone to represent the bad guys and all that shit.

I don't know if that was not a good story. There you go. Something like that. If it just trickles out into nothingness and the music comes back up, I think we could find you a new niche with jazz music behind you. How do you spell that last name? Ntoma.

Oh, yeah, how do you spell it? It's spelled how it sounds, Ntoma. Oh, no, it's not. Just spell it how it sounds. Yeah, it's that one letter you haven't heard before. Does it start with an N and a T? Yeah. The first two letters are N and T?

Yeah. And so what's your name? Ntoma. Ntoma. Gotcha. Gotcha.oma. Gotcha. Gotcha. Gotcha. Do you have a joke about that?

No. No? Do a joke about your name, man. Do a joke about my name? Nah, I'm fucking with you. You know how older communities give you bad advice? I want to be that nigga for you. Are both of your parents Cameroonian?

No, my mom is Vietnamese. Whoa, look at that. They found each other. Those islands of love. Vietnam and Cameroon. Where'd they meet? They met at church in D.C. Wow.

You see what I'm talking about? All right. Jacques, I had so much fun with you tonight. It was nice to meet you. Jacques, good job, buddy. You were funny, man. Nice to meet you. There he goes, Jacques Antone. He's on Twitter at T-N-T-O-N-M-E.

T-N-T-O-N-M-E. I know you were joking, but I kind of like jokes about people's names. I think you just got to go with it. Nobody's ever going to be able to pronounce that right. Nobody ever. He's going to one day be a huge star. He's going to have an opener that he pays a lot of money, takes on the road with him, and he's not even going to be able to say that right. Nobody ever. One day he's going to be a huge star. He's going to have an opener that he pays a lot of money and takes on the road with him.

He's not even going to be able to say that right. Jacques West and Tomé. I don't know. I wonder if Cedric the Entertainer ever had a joke about his name. Dom Irera has a joke about Cedric the Entertainer's name that's amazing.

I've heard him do it because he's ranked above him on the Comedy Central made a list, like top 50 funniest people of all time. And he's like, Dom Irera's number 38, but Cedric the Entertainer's number 37. And Dom always jokes around. He's like, how do you beat an entertainer? I never even had a chance. Dom's one of the best. He's on like 10 episodes of Kill Tony.

Do you think every president has said the N-word? Hell yeah. I think every single person in the world probably has. Do you think everybody has said it? Jesus, Brian. Three and up. Three and up. Maybe.

Maybe. How old were you when you first said it, Jamar? Because you almost can't even tweet without saying the... By the way, without a doubt, and this is true, I tell him this all the time, so I'm happy to finally tell him in front of a fucking audience.

Jamar is my favorite person to follow on Twitter. If you ever get a chance, you have to immediately follow him. If you're wondering who I'm laughing at during the day ever, this is to the podcast listeners. And great Google image search for you also. Some great photos of you naked in the bathroom.

He doesn't hold back. He always pisses people off. Your Twitter's fantastic. I sometimes think of a tweet and I go, don't do that. That's going to piss somebody off. You just fucking press send. You float it out there. He'll go on these rants. I love it.

That's what comedy's supposed to be. You're not supposed to filter. It's mainly about bitches and niggas. That's all I talk about. That's all I know. That's it. That's all it takes. It cracks me up seven times a day. So follow Jamar Neighbors on Twitter I just pulled another name out of the bucket and that name is

Heather Marooly Heather Marooly my favorite television show is Dateline it's been on since 92 if you've caught it it's a good one I'm a little mad is Dateline. It's been on since 92. If you've caught it, it's a good one. I'm a little mad at Dateline right now. They're running some ads with the tagline, don't watch alone. There's a little problem. Dateline airs at 10 p.m. on Friday nights.

So if you're watching Dateline, you're watching alone. Okay? So I watch alone every Friday. And every time I'm watching, I get more lonely. These stories of murder and deceit. You know, I think, wow, why has no one ever been obsessed with me before? When am I going to have a stalker? When is someone going to take out an insurance policy on me I'm worth it I'm alone

help do you ever google the name of your high school with the word obituary on the end wow Heather Maroli ladies and gentlemen With the word obituary on the end? Wow. Heather Maroli, ladies and gentlemen. Boom. We got another one.

Heather, you've done this show before. Yeah, one time. And you just murdered, right? It was okay. Yeah. No, you're a humble one. Oh, thanks. I like your style. You're so, so funny.

Thank you. That Dateline joke is like hilarious thank you uh that's so fun obituary joke jesus the dateline joke is like you know lonely woman and I was like okay that's that's a really funny joke but then the next joke completely reiterates and adds like to the persona of this is who I am. That was great. Fun, dark, loneliness. And not enough jokes

use the word obituary. You very rarely hear the word obituary, which is a great word. It's true. And I like that jacket. Oh, thank you. Is there more to that

obituary joke or is that just a hard-hitting one-liner? That's one I, I mean, I just wrote that last week, so I usually at the end I'll be like, sometimes I Google my high school for funsies.

You know, I say with a return for funsies. And then I, just to catch up on what people are doing. Right. And that, because I actually did find out somebody I knew died. Yeah. I was looking for somebody else, but a different person.

See, that's so funny. So some alive, but a different person. Some alive person had a dead person's obituary in their bio? Oh, no, I was Googling like for newspaper obituary. Well, I was looking for someone specific. I hope this person is dead. Because you were stalking your own, you were becoming the other end of the Dateline episode. That's what's funny.

I don't know. By the way, that could be a great way to take that Dateline thing. I realize that I'm never going to be that victim that's obsessed over. So I'm just going to be the obsessor. Yeah, exactly. Well, that one, sometimes it's a little longer. I talk about how I'm an obsessor. That's great. What's the most obsessive thing you've done with a guy that you liked?

Oh, boy. Oh, wow. You looked out like he might be in the room right now. When I was in high school, okay, a couple of things. I used to drive by Crush's house. But I think a lot of people do that. Where's the high school? I grew up in Colorado Springs, Colorado. Okay. So I would like, you know, drive my guys' houses. One time I had my sister.

What's so creepy about that? Were you like an attractor or something? No. I don't know. Like here's another thing. I had my sister call this guy that I like to invite him to a play I was doing and as my assistant like I I don't know that's weird right oh yeah I know well in 10th grade you had you have an assistant that means we used to play this game where my

sister was my personal assistant right younger sister yeah, what play was it? It was picnic by William Inge. Oh, yeah picnic Were you a lead yeah I know I know comics. I know comics that Have called the laugh factory and the Comedy Store as their own agents trying to go didn't I know I think Jimmy Fox used to do that all the time. I'm not that familiar with the career of Jamie Foxx. I like to call it a comedy store and act like I'm Tommy Davison.

Well, give me spots, man. How many pranks does this place get? This place gets non-stop pranks every day, right? Who does the good one? There's somebody that... Because comedians have to be pranking this place non-stop. That's a good question. Oh, fuck.

I can't remember the one. I would hate to prank this place because every time I perform here, I get 15 bucks. So I would hate to lose that amount of income. I mean... Yeah. Well, that's only if you get caught yeah Heather what do you do for work

well I'm a I write mediation briefs and demands for attorneys holy shit you know Jacques Ntomba yeah I know I don't know yeah I bet he'll sit down and watch Dateline with you that's okay he'll fucking down and watch Dateline with you.

He'll fucking play the clarinet while she watches. Hell yeah. I love it. So you do that. How long have you been on stand-up? Two years. Right. You do a lot of spots?

Yeah, I go up probably six days a week. Oh, that's great. Like sometimes twice a night. Like I'm probably going to go up after this later. What's your go-to porn? Go-to porn. Brian from Three Point Ranch. Gosh, I like a lot of stepdad stuff. Stepdad stuff.

Wow, there you go. It turned out to be a good question, Brian. It's probably a good question. That's why he asked. That's why he asked. That's why he asked. Now what's the, you just like the whole storyline of a stepdad?

Do you have a stepdad? No. My parents are still married. Of course. That's what people are always into on the porn is stuff that they don't have any connection with. Nothing feels dirtier if you don't have a stepdad than stepdad porn. It's like oh I can't even fathom that.

Oh you fatherless piece of shit. No, no. Oh, what a dumb fatherless whore you are. No. My stepdad is a huge tease, so I get it. Oh, yeah. Interesting. So you're like dad bod and everything?

No. Oh, what's that okay did you just rust a horn yourself did you just say something and then hit the horn for your own thing is that what's going on now he's mad i don't like you can't hide brian can't hide behind me. No, no tickling, Brian. Heather, what do you like to do for fun? What else are you into? Oh, gosh.

I go see a lot of movies. I don't know. I work a lot. Stepdad movies? No. No. All the popular films out there. What's your favorite most recent movie?

Oh, God. The Hunger Games? No, it wasn't that great. You didn't like the last one that just came out? It was all right. Are you going to go see Creed? No. Are you going to see it?

No, that whole... I feel like the whole movie was shown in the trailer. Are you going to see it? No, I'm a hater. That should have been me. You know what? I was like, I watched the trailer the other day, and I was sort of interested until I heard, like, Sylvester Stallone is so beat to death right now. It's unbelievable like everything was fine like I'm like oh this looks like a good movie and he's

like it's got like nothing left yeah so this is like watching Sylvester Stallone die from 30 years of fucking steroids steroids. You've got to put all your heart into it. You've got to just keep on fighting. It's unbearable. He's turning into Mickey from Rocky. That's what he's trying to do. Thank you, Brian. You are on the money tonight, dude.

Are these your fun comedy earrings? No, I wear these every day. I'm Puerto Rico now. These are required to wear. When you write mediation copyright, you're wearing those, whatever it is

you do, you're wearing those earrings. Yeah, I wore these to work today. That's cool. Fair enough. You were doing law stuff. Yeah, I've been working in law firms for a while now. It pays well. You like the earrings or the necklace? I prefer the earrings over the necklace. I think big hoop earrings are pretty cool.

What's your nationality? I'm Puerto Rican, Cuban, Italian, and Czech. Okay, wow. We hit our four nationalities. You know what that means. You know, I look good. Oh, yeah. You must have a temper. You must be violent.. Oh, yeah. You must have like a temper.

You must be violent. Isn't that what I said last time? You asked me this last time. Yeah, I think I said that last time. A little bit. Yeah, I feel like you just wouldn't be able to be satisfied. You know what I mean? Like you would just be yelling during it.

You got to get out of my lane. You got to put more into it. You know what I mean? Go full out new Sylvester Stallone. Harder step down. Harder. Ten point callback. Yeah.

Okay. Okay. Well, Heather, you had a great set. Anything else for Heather, guys? Fucking. I thought she was great. Keep it up. I know.

We're meeting great people tonight. Heather Maroli. Another great 60 seconds. She's on Twitter at Fixed Air Heather. Fixed Air Heather. Air. Another great 60 seconds. She's on Twitter at FixedAirHeather. FixedAirHeather. All one word. Cuban, Italian. That's a bad mix right there.

That's dangerous as fuck. She'll kill you four different ways. Yeah, totally. She'll wrap a hoop earring around your neck and spray cologne on your face. Is there one race that you guys are like, I'm not dating that ever again for sure. Mexican.

That was fast. You said that like you're getting points for your answer. If this was at midnight, you would have just won. You ever tweet at midnight just bullshit? No, I don't do it. They've ruined Twitter.

They've ruined Twitter for the last three hours. Yeah, they've ruined Twitter. I agree. Yeah. You do? You yell at them on Twitter? I just tweet what I would normally tweet, but at midnight. So I'll be like, pink pussy is so pretty right at midnight?

You know you're going to win a hashtag war sometime accidentally. Yeah, that's what I hope. You're going to tweet at pink pussy is delicious and then that night it's going to be like hashtag what color pussy is the most delicious?

They are running out of ideas on that show. It's pretty funny. Oh, you know what? That's crazy. Sometimes he signs up and sometimes he gets pulled out of the bucket. He's the run around producer of the show, everybody. Blood, sweat, and tears in the game.

It's Josh Martin, everybody. Oh, hey, guys. I have a speech impediment. It's really hard to understand words that I say. I can barely say words. I sound retarded, but I'm educated. I'm an educated guy. I went to college, got a degree in biology.

I was going to go to medical school. And then I changed my mind. Because I realized what kind of doctor I would be. I would be like the doctor you see. And then you walk out. And then you immediately see a different doctor. Like a second doctor. You know?

You get a second opinion. Because you don't trust anything I'm saying like I would be the doctor you would see if with like Obamacare like I'm your Obamacare kind of doctor you know you get the fuck out of my office. Because you have cancer. I just told you you have diarrhea. No, you have cancer. You got that shit checked. Yeah, that's all I wanted to do. Josh Martin, everybody.

There he is. Firing it off. That was awesome, Josh. Yeah, a great new minute. Josh has been ripping it up, upstairs and downstairs. He's on a hot streak right now. I didn't know he had a speech. This whole time I thought he was retarded.

I didn't know. Almost the same. Almost exactly the same. That is really, really funny, and I love that you own it. I love that you communicate it to the audience. Once you do that, then you don't have to fucking bring it up again. I think it's awesome. I thought it was hilarious.

Yeah, it's awesome I love that was hilarious I felt like I needed to get a good like voice joke just to get it the fuck out and these guys most recent they may disagree with me but I I like that personally if it's like just get it say it make it funny and then get the fuck out of it and then do whatever you whatever you want that's my

I agree I'm the same way. I have to talk about how everybody thinks I'm gay right from the top or else people just think I'm gay. If I didn't have that joke, it used to be when I would do sets on the road, people would come or even here, people would come up to me after my dumb audience members

and they go, I just have one question for you. No, I'm not gay. It just happened all the time. So you have to acknowledge it. It was weird because when you said the doctor thing, I didn't think you were going to go that way. I thought you were going to say that you're like,

you know when you're waiting for the doctor and that one doctor just comes and goes, hey, how's it going? Nice to see you. All right, I'll be right back. And then you never see that guy again. Like I thought you were going to totally take the joke somewhere else. But man, that was great, man. I love seeing you, Josh. I've been hearing lately that you've see that guy again. I thought you were going to totally take the joke somewhere else, but man, that was great, man.

I love seeing you, Josh. I've been hearing lately that you've been killing it downstairs. It's on a murdering streak. People lie a lot. You shouldn't trust people at all. Oh, look at that. A little self-deprecating. Just a little.

First time we've ever seen a humble Josh Martin. Humble Josh. Look at that little glimmer. Usually I just tell people that they can suck my dick. Yeah, and that never works out. I figure I'll try something else because, yeah. It's funny. He did things a little bit backwards.

He was a cocky little dick before he was good, and then he got good, and he's becoming humble at the same time. You said you were educated. What's the level of education that you're packing these days? I have a bachelor's degree in biology. Wow. From where? University of Louisiana at La degree in biology. Wow. From where?

University of Louisiana at Lafayette. Okay. Lafayette? Lafayette. Used to be the Raging Cajuns, weren't there? It still is the Raging Cajuns? It still is the Raging Cajuns. I love that I know that.

That's really, I mean, I would almost. It's one of the best research colleges. I would almost, as an audience member, I would love to know that you have a degree in biology. You said you're educated. That means something different to everybody. You're like, that's really fucking hard. Even though to me, it's not that hard for you. At the University of Louisiana

Lafayette, I'd imagine that it's like a one week course. You know what I like about Josh is that he does talk like that, but when you're talking to him, he does not spit on you at all. Right. Oh, that's a lie. That's a lie.

That's a lie. Especially on stage, I can see myself spitting, and I'm always terrified of someone spitting right in the fog there. I'm like, oh, fuck. That's why I sometimes talk down, because I'm scared I'm going to spit on someone. They're going to have a gallon of plastic and shit. Everybody cover up. Rabbits are crazy. No joke about that.

That's funny, too, man, that you're worried about spitting on the audience. That's kind of funny. It's funny. I think I used to have something like that. It was one of my first year jokes. Yeah. Oh, yeah. The joke was I spit a lot of game with women.

The thing I know where this one's going. I spit a lot of game. It's just a game where I try to talk to someone without spitting. I like that. I like that. You should go back into that and change it around, mix it up. Because it's a funny idea when you talk about having a speech impediment because that's the first thing you think of that you know

that's the problem like the last year and a half I I got tired of talking about my voice because when I first started that's all I talked about and I'm trying to write other jokes so I kind of past year say fuck these voice jokes and now you're writing good voice jokes

you don't want to only do voice jokes obviously And now you're writing good voice jokes. I'm trying to. You don't want to only do voice jokes, obviously. And there's nothing worse than the comic that has some kind of, I don't know what we call this. Retardation. And he only talks about his arm. They're on stage.

Like the girl with the half an arm. Oh, my arm! My arm, my arm, my arm! Or even worse. Bite your arm. Shut up. Or even worse. It's like, oh, my arm, my arm, my arm, my arm. Or even worse. Bitch, I bite your arm. Shut up. Or even worse. It's like way worse on stage.

And then they get off stage. It really isn't that bad. And you're like, you're just doing this for fucking comedy. Right. I don't like that. Like the girl with half an arm. I met her. I met her off stage.

She shook my hand. I'm like, what the fuck? Anyway. It had one fingerna what the fuck? Anyway. It had one fingernail coming out of it. That's nasty. Josh, what else is going on in life? How's it going? How long have you been here at the Comedy Store?

Coming up to four years. Really? Four years. So four years ago, you were what? Managing a McDonald's in the suburbs. Yeah. And that was it. But when I met you four years ago, you were what? Managing a McDonald's in the suburbs. Yeah. And that was it. But when I met you four years ago, you didn't have a speech impediment.

Did the comedy store give this to you? The comedy store works in mysterious ways. Yes, it does. These ghosts. These ghosts come. Josh, what are you doing Friday? Whoa. There's no show Friday.

I know. Because me and Tony will be in Columbus and Pittsburgh. Yeah, if you fly yourself. You can set it up for me. Yeah, if you could get our... Anyway, Josh, anything else? Anything you want to promote or anything? I'd rather get some more comics up, so I'm done. Oh, wow. Look at you, to promote or anything? I'd rather get some more comics up, so I'm done. Oh, wow.

Look at you, the hero. A hero for the people. Josh Martin. Josh Martin comic. He's that Josh Martin comic. Oh, sweetheart. Do you guys remember anything that you did when you very first started stand-up comedy that you can't believe you did that you sort of regret?

Something dumb? Well, you were saying about Josh how he was cocky when he wasn't good. That's kind of how I was. I mean, I feel like I was way cockier when I didn't know how to do comedy. And I'm not suggesting I fucking master comedy. But now it's like, once you see how good other people are,

it really humbles you. But at the beginning, you don't have any fucking clue. Right. I used to try and not be ghetto. And that shit will fuck me up. That's interesting.

You do like white guy voice? What does that mean? What's up? Wait, what was that? What's up? Hey everybody, what's going on? I'm Jamar Neighbors. Is that what you used to do? Yeah.

Guys, I wouldn't talk, but I'm Jamar Neighbors. Is that what you used to do? Yeah, yeah. Like, hey guys, I want to talk, but I would still talk about ghetto shit. Like, yeah man, your mother would be like smoking crack in the living room and she's crying and you're crying, you know. Did you guys ever try to change your persona? Like, I know when like, I forget what that one comedian,

not Ahmed Ahmed, but Aziz Ansari, he was like, I was like, I need to do a more hipper version of my set. I tried it one time. It actually worked, but it made me feel so shitty afterwards that I never did it again.

Did you feel like Aziz Ansari afterwards? I did. I was like, wow, that's really easy. Just talk about my cell phone pulling another name out of the bucket Aziz is a good friend of mine I'm just kidding no we know this girl Sarah Kenny everybody yeah Sarah Kenny finally You know, a lot of women, they don't like to be called ma'am.

They're a little bit age-obsessed. It makes them feel old. That's why there's a new, more politically correct term for these women. You refer to them as cunt. Because it's ageless, you know? So it doesn't offend anyone. That's the great thing about that. So tipping is sort of a messed up way to pay people, right? It's sort of like, how much do I owe you? Well, how much do you think you owe me? I was going to give you like what's on the bill

here. Oh, you're just going to give me exactly what I asked for? No, that's fine. That's fine. Bitch. And it's not always clear who you tip, right? Like my Coke dealer. You know? I'm just going to give him what he asked for. I'm not kicking in an extra 20 just because he's my dad. You know? Ridiculous.

You guys, I used to be paraplegic with Down syndrome. And then I got off gluten. And you know what? Things really turned around for me after that. Thank you. Fuck yeah. Sarah Kenny. What was that quadriplegic show?

Gluten-free. I don't know why I did that. We had cocaine, gluten-free, and the word cunt in that set. I appreciate all that. All the buzzwords. All the buzzwords. So, wait.

What was the last joke? Everything else was great. One more time for Sarah Kenny. Come on. I'm just trying to figure out what you were saying with the gluten-free thing. So, I was like paraplegic with Down syndrome, and then I got off gluten, as though that would have such a dramatic effect. Right. Gotcha.

That's not like how Tony talks about being a vegan. No, it's not. It's not. It's not. It's not. It's not. Now, you usually are in the back hacking everyone because you're a hacker and you'll always steal everybody's personal information.

Yeah, you're here every week and you have an open laptop in the back of the room. Using DOS, which is awkward as fuck. That's like one of the hottest things though to see a girl that knows how to hack. First of all, it's not DOS. It's Linux, but I don't even have the Wi-Fi password. Sorry, when you said that I thought you meant

like comedy hacking. No, you're saying like computer hacking. She's a hacker. You can't just call. She's a hacker. That's what I was worried. I was like, that's not good if that's the case, but that's not the case. There's many of other hackers in this room that's a different kind.

Sarah, so how long have you been doing stand-up now? We're coming up on three years. Wow. And what do you do for work? So I'm, well, not a hacker, but I'm a programmer. Wait a second. Oh, shit. Getting really programmer. Wait a second. Oh, shit. You're getting really suspicious.

No, I already sniffed her pocket. What the fuck is that? What is that supposed to mean? Sniff her packet. Is that like a digital thing that you're talking about? It is a technical term. Yeah. Ask Jared.

He's in the front row right there. That's how information is transferred. Who? Jared. Who do you program for them? Well, I'm working on an artificial intelligence project What I mean, I want to hear exactly look I want to hear about this I mean to meet comedically I want you don't have to maybe give the specifics of the project you're working on But this is really fascinating.

And I really enjoyed your comedy, but I almost felt more like you were telling jokes as opposed to really getting personal. And it sounds like, to me, your actual real life is pretty fucking fascinating and unique to everybody else in this room. You write programming. There you go. Yeah. That means we've reached the compliment, Max. Oh, shit. Is that what that means? Now I've got to start breaking me down. Yeah, there you go. Yeah. That means we've reached the compliment, Max.

Oh, shit. Is that what that means? Now I've got to start breaking me down. Yeah, there you go. Sorry. No, I've tried. There's that sound. I have like a handful of programming jokes or like nerd tech jokes.

And there's a couple that are okay. I mean, your dad's not your Coke dealer. That's just a joke. I wish. No, it's just a joke. Yeah. So you have jokes. It sounds like your dad's not your Coke dealer. That's just a joke. I wish. No, it's just a joke. Yeah. So you have jokes, it sounds like you have jokes

about everything. Yeah, I kind of, yeah. I don't really have a specific niche, I would say, which is, I don't know, good or bad, depending on how you look at it. Do you have any jokes

about being flat chested? Oh, what the fuck? That nigga's on your titty. Are you just feeding me that but you all laugh you're all here you know you can owe me as hard as you want okay i totally did my flat chester joke on this show oh really your response was like i've heard a million flat chester jokes but that one is solid remember she is the god you can never tell which ones did good and which ones fell flat. You know what I mean? It's nothing. You keep it down just in case. That's what happens if I even

try. You have a special safety on that. Who has a safety on their sound effect board? Did you see that, Jamie? What the fuck was that? It's because I turned it down, so if I get a text message, it doesn't matter. I'm kidding, I'm kidding. It's so funny, though.

I've never tried to touch it before. Yeah, it's a molesting joke, everybody. We gotta let Jamar talk. I cut him off eight times. Jamar, hit it. So with that bomb-ass job that you got, would you ever quit that And do stand up full time

I don't know that I could Make as much money Doing stand up You can't I'll tell you right now you cannot So I don't know I'm a little bit spoiled Which is maybe bad Are you doing a lot of spots

You know I don't know I've kind of plateau, you know, I do like several times a week I get up, I do mics, I get booked on shows probably like twice a month. You know, I do flappers a lot, but you do flappers.

I do do flappers. Surprising to me based on the size of your breasts. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. In this PC world we live in, I've created an environment for me to get to do jokes like that. This is why I was complimenting you so much earlier. Right.

Just getting me ready. I knew it was coming. I knew I should have worn my padded bra tonight. I can make these jokes with Sarah. She's one of these warriors that's always here and just relentless. I love your breasts. I think they're fine. Just because I know how big your areolas are underneath there. Is that true?

Do you know from sniffing her packet or whatever? They're ginormous. What is comedy fulfilling for you? Is it just like a fun little hobby? No, I mean, I love it. I truly want to commit to it. I'm just not quite sure what the next step is for me, which is kind of confusing.

So, yeah. How much time do you think you have? Like, all together. In life? No. How many heartbeats? That's such a computer programming answer. My motherboard has...

I don't have 45 more years. How long of a set can you do comfortably? I think I could do 40 minutes comfortably. Wow. Look at that. Maybe you should just make an album then. Maybe you should do a show and record the set. And just program it into every freshman USC.

Just put it in their fucking computer. You could just take over the internet. Dane Cook your way to the top. You know what I mean? Actually, if you're in an airport that you're all using the same Wi-Fi and if you search your folder, you can also see a lot of shared folders

on people's computers that are open. So a lot of times I would put just like dick pics and shit on people's computers when I'm bored. But putting your albums is actually a good idea because when it searches your computer for music it will find it would you put your dick pics another no no no Google like you know like other waffles and shit and I just put like you know like fart porn and like everything what are what are blue waffles blue go Google blue off how do I not know about this? Blue Waffle? Google Blue Waffle?

I'm the last of the Blue Waffle party over here? Come on. You want me to show you right now what a Blue Waffle is? I thought the Blue Waffles were the mascot for University of Louisiana Lafayette. They're not? Blue Waffle. I type in Blue Waffle? Oh, shit.

I'll share it with you, Jamar. It's a Blue Waffle. That's what came up. It's a diseased vagina. It's a disease. Oh, no. Blue Waffle disease. No. No. That's what came up. It's a diseased vagina. It's a diseased, yeah. Blue waffle disease. Nope, nope, no. There we go.

It's a diseased vagina. Guys, okay. Wow. That's what happens when I question words that Red Band says. All right. You could actually, if you want to learn more, go to Lemon Party dot org. How do so many people know about these gross things that

i don't even know about we find out all about it on meat spin right guys i also love i also love there's a picture of actually a blue waffle just like somebody made a blue waffle i know anyway sorry we got into that if red band says something you don't understand don't google it yeah that's true. Sarah, what's the craziest thing that you've done in the past year? Besides squirt. Craziest? Brian, stop it.

Settle down. Jesus. Air horn yourself. Don't tell me you use C++ instead of Linux. C++. Yeah. I know. I don't know if I... I don't really do that much that's crazy. I don't know if I

I don't really do that much that's crazy I don't know some people think I'm crazy for riding my bike in LA traffic do you do drugs? I do do drugs I'm open to all drugs of any kind wow that's crazier than riding

your bike in LA I think personally what happens on the bike is it dangerous to get yelled at? I guess that's crazy. That's crazier than riding your bike in L.A., I think, personally. What happens on the bike? Is it dangerous to get yelled at? Do you yell at people? You wear a helmet? I've gotten yelled at on occasion. No, some people just seem to think that it's too dangerous to ride a bike in L.A. in general. It really is.

I have gotten a get off the road yelled at me out of a window once or twice. Nice. You know, I am allowed to use this road. And that was just because you were a woman. That wasn't even because you were on a bicycle. Take your bike to the kitchen. That makes so much sense. Oh, my goodness.

Well, Sarah, you've been on the show more than probably anybody. So fun to watch you grow over the last couple years. Next Ice House show, it's like in two weeks. I'd love to have you on because you're awesome. That would be great. Thank you. You booked a gig out of it. Sarah Kenny, everybody.

There she goes. She's on Twitter. It's Kenny Comedy. All one word. We're almost there, guys. She's so good. Yeah. We have to let the lead guitarist

for the stroke. It's different than the strokes. It's just more based on the medical infliction than actual stroke. Put your hands together for your next comedian. It's Todd Malta, everybody.

Todd Malta. everybody. Todd Mauta. My name is Todd. He said it. I'm not a big fan of it. I actually changed it when I was younger. I had to change it back. I'm now officially retarded. I recently finished reading the Quran and turns out there's nothing in that book about being mean or hurting people. Did I say Quran? Kama Sutra. Son of a gun. Always wanted to get a job as a motivational speaker but... I like that one. you can know this about me I'm a bit of a freak sometimes I blow my nose with my left hand feels like somebody else is doing it my favorite part of a woman's body are those two little curves between her neck and belly. Went to a meeting of ninjas. Nobody showed up.

This is bullshit. Fuck yeah. Todd Malta. Nice to meet you, man. This is your first time on the show, huh? It is, yes. I like your style. That's what you do?

Short little one-liners? I'm trying to get out of that. How long have you been on stand-up? This is probably my 12th time on stage. Wow, look at that. Todd Malta. Good job. Yeah.

First time in three years. Oh, what made you start back up again? It's time. My son turned three. Your son's three? You know what they say. When your son turns three, start doing stand-up comedy. Right, right.

Exactly. That's in every parenting book. That shirt is so yellow. Yeah, it's yellow as fuck. It's a yellow sweatshirt. I'm not really cool, you know? Yeah, oh. At all. Where are you from, a cruise ship?

It's so funny to see when the roaster comes out in you like it's just like you because you've only seen me do it all the time so it's funny what are you from a cruise ship it's like it's like yeah it's like uh where are you from actually i'm'm actually from Ohio. Oh, really? Whoa, drop the names. Worcester, you know it? Yeah. I haven't watched the game yet. I T-voted, so don't tell me how much they won by.

Yeah, they won. So when you say your son turned three and now it's time for you to start stand-up, is he old enough to be at home by himself now? Not yet. Is he old enough to be at home by himself now? No. Yes. Like, yeah. No.

He's actually probably the funniest person I've ever met. It kind of inspires me that way. I'm serious. Every parent thinks their child is the greatest. No. Yeah. Well, what do you mean? Because he could do stand-up comedy? He could.

He's a natural entertainer. Not like Cedric or nothing. Not like Cedric. Here he is. He's actually Skyping in right now. There it is. Wow. Okay.

Jesus Christ. I don't know why I like retarded so much, but I really fucking did. That was really funny. That made me laugh. What was the last joke with the ninjas? What did you say? But nobody showed up? Yeah, nobody showed up.

It's not great. You didn't even know they were there. Yeah. What's the neck and belly? My favorite part of a woman's body are the two curves between their neck and belly. Her titties. Her titties. It's kind of like a sizzle.

I kind of think about it. All these jokes seem like bumper stickers, though. The one that you did right before the the neck and belly there was something that you did that was like oh no he's going to do one of those jokes and even though you changed it it didn't change the fact that we all knew joke was these are your jokes you wrote these jokes yes okay I love that it's the funniest person he's ever seen right What's the funniest thing you've ever seen Your three year old do

He's hilarious Does he ever just piss all over you Not anymore It looks like it Yellow shirt everybody It's a yellow shirt reference Because it's covered in piss This room got really quiet.

We got disengaged. I love it. Todd, I think you just have that kind of energy. I actually thought he was going to suck when he got on. When he grabbed the mic, I was like, there's no way this guy can be funny. I don't know why I thought that. But you are funny and you made me laugh. And maybe I don't know what it was.

I just thought you just seemed like a little bit of a goofy dude, but but look I'm saying This is a good thing it you're fucking it was funny retarded is is stupid But it's fucking funny and the bottom line is those single line jokes You you don't want to laugh you didn't want to laugh at one of them, and you fucking laughed out loud What was what got me? one of them and you fucking laughed out loud. You got me. But that's what I'm saying.

That's how I felt too. I didn't want to laugh at the bumper sticker joke, but if it is funny... Yeah, but was it funny because you can't believe he did it? Because that's what I felt like. I was like, oh my God. Not for me it wasn't. I laugh if it's a sound joke. Let me ask you something, Todd. I can't help but to notice that tattoo on the left inside of your arm it looks

white power as fuck what does that what does that three German lightning bolt over I have to ask either it's some kind of Adidas sponsorship or what is that I got it when a friend of

mine died don't you feel like a fucking asshole? I think there's more to this story if the friend is a German soldier that was killing people in a Good American Nazi So wait, so what's that logo? It was when my dog died actually wait your dog isn't really your dog or your dog? In my early 20s. Like your nigga?

No, he's saying not like it. An actual dog. So what's that slogan on your arm? I don't remember getting it. Wait. The dog or the tattoo? The tattoo. You don't remember getting it. Wait. The dog or the tattoo? The tattoo. You don't remember getting the tattoo?

No. Wow. You were drinking? Yes. San Diego. I'm feeling San Diego. No, actually, probably not more than 300 yards from here. Wow.

I found when I got my credit card receipt. That's when I learned. Oh, shit. A lady I worked with gave me a pill. I don't even know what it was. He wasn't even a tattoo parlor. He got my credit card receipt. That's when I learned. Oh, shit. A lady I worked with gave me a pill. I don't even know what it was. He wasn't even a tattoo parlor. He got it at Sky Bar. Yeah.

It was just a guy with an ink suitcase. I fucked the dog till it died. He had a suitcase. Then I got a tattoo. Todd, tell us more about this tattoo. You don't remember anything about it. Nothing. What did the receipts tell you?

What else did you do that night? I love Blackout. It's an amazing story. It's like a Quentin Tarantino movie. You know the end first, and then you find out everything else that happened. I think that's called Memento, Tony. They're remaking that movie, by the way. Are they? Yeah. Really? Dumb idea.

That is dumb. Todd. Yes, sir. More about the tattoo. Okay. That question I asked you, what else do you remember? Next to nothing. Do you know what that means? Well, I know I like Evel Knievel, so there's a little bit of that there. It was like you like Christmas trees.

I had the idea of maybe doing red stars all the way down my arm at one point. That is a terrible tattoo. It's terrible. I actually had to get my receipt and go back and have them clean it up. Oh, shit. Wow. You mean it was worse? Yeah.

Mine's worse. My tattoo's worse than that, and I barely remember it either. You have a tattoo? Yeah. Who gets tattoos when they're blackout? That seems like the one thing you do. This was an 18-year-old employee of mine at a movie theater that just learned how to do it on melons and watermelons.

So she gave me a free tattoo. Whoa. You got a melon above your ass? Yeah. What's the tattoo have to do with your dog? Did you get his name covered up? No, there's a dog paw. There's like a dog paw drawn by...

Oh, there is a dog paw. Wait a minute, let me see. Oh, oh, oh, okay. Yeah, you should see everybody. Don't look too close. Your eyes will turn to stone. Yeah. Todd, what's something exciting about you?

What's different between having a three-year-old and the kind of life you were living before? A lot. Like what? Like I have no hobbies. I don't do anything. I don't go out. What did you do before?

I probably drank too much. Yeah, I think that's safe to say. It's Ohio. What else happened other than the tattoo? Any other blackouts? Was that a normal thing for a while? I once came to completely nude on a roof, which I thought was my friend's house.

Okay. And I climbed down on a van, went to the front door, and an entire family greeted me. What? The dad grabbed me, and he threw me up against the wall, and he's like,

what are you fucking doing? What are you fucking doing? I had to throw his arms off me, take off down the street, figure out where I was staying, find my clothes. You were naked. Yes. Were you 300 yards from here? No, no. off me, take off down the street, figure out where I was staying, find my clothes. You were naked.

Yes. Were you 300 yards from here? No, no. Considerably further. How do you end up on somebody's roof? Why'd you go on the roof? I don't know. You don't know.

I might have been working on a fiddler on the roof joke or something. Oh, Jesus. Wow. Oh my God. We just reached an all time low. My friend in college he was 19. He was wasted walking home and he was stumbling like

crazy and these cops were following him and you know they would they would give you an M.I.P. or some shit University of Illinois. So he walks into a house. It's like 3 a.m. He is in the house. Not his house. OK. Cops knock on the door. He gets naked.

Answers the door. The cops are like you're drunk. Is this your house. And he says officers would I be naked in someone else's house. And they let him go.

There you go. That's the thing. Wow. That's what you were doing. Officers would I be naked on top of someone else's roof.

Now I get it. You're running around naked, and they're like, here, sir, take this piss yellow shirt that we'll never wear. All right, guys. I guess you guys like that shirt, huh? All right. Fuck this audience. Don't be scared of yellow, guys.

Fuck yeah. You were funny. You made me laugh. Yeah, good stuff. That one-liner path's really hard. You have to chip away and really take all the time that you possibly can while still making sure your three-year-old

doesn't die. Bring him here and have him do some time. Have this funniest three-year-old out here. He has a better chance of making it than you do, Todd. I'll be honest with you. Thank you, Tony. I'm serious. be honest with you. Thank you, Tony. I'm serious.

Three-year-olds have star power, you fucking haters. I would try. Honestly, I would just take your jokes, find the joke out of it, get the meat out of it, make more story-based stuff. Because right now it just sounds very just kind of like Laffy Taffy is what I call that style. It just seems like joke, joke, joke, and it's all kind of familiar. Make it more about your life and just get the meat and throw it in there.

I took stories out of it because it's a minute. It sounds like you're making a recipe for food or something. I mean, there's definitely a... Take some of the Laffy Tappy. You chop it up and mix it up with some meat, and there you go. Put it at 375 for seven years. Todd, fuck yeah.

It's funny. Fun stuff. We're good? Todd Malta, everybody. We're good. Todd, fuck yeah. That's funny. Fun stuff. We're good? Todd Malta, everybody. We're good. Thank you very much. I love it. Definitely the winner

of most likely to be a school shooter, Todd Malta. No doubt about that. Let's get another name out of this bucket. You guys having fun or what how you feel live audience

we're coming down the straight away now who knows what can happen nobody's really sucked yet I know this could be the one though put your hands together I don't know it looks like a new name put your hands together for Jeffrey Wari Oh, one fucking minute, huh? All right, I want to talk about the guy who said he got a big dick and scared of women,

or women scared of him. Do you know what the fuck he doing? You know what I'm saying? I mean... I knew I would have said this right know what I'm saying? I mean, I know I want to say this right, but he don't know what the fuck he doing. You just don't.

He got a big dick and women scared to fuck him. He think he got a jackhammer or a sledgehammer, he just be, you don't fuck pussy like that. You take it in, you come back that. You take it in. You come back out. You play with it. You got a dick dick, you play with it.

Bring it back out. Am I right? Am I right? Now, you don't want a big dick just coming in at you like, pow! I'm in. No, you want to look at it and say, take it easy. I'm like, all right. I'm coming in slow.

And then you're going to work it. You don't go in, ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba. No. Am I right? Big motherfuckers know what I'm talking about, right? Right? Jeffrey Wary, everybody. Come on.

Know what I'm talking about, right? Nigga, work the dick. Don't try to beat up the... Oh, there it is. There it is. There's that bear. It comes out sometimes. I didn't hear the kid.

Oh, shit. Jeffrey. Jeffrey, relax. I love how he was mad at you, Tony, the whole time. I didn't hear the kid. Oh shit. Jeffrey. Jeffrey. I love how he was mad at you, Tony. The whole time. I know. First time in this show's history where I've had a stare down with somebody during their set. I was wondering who

was going to break first. It wasn't me. I didn't know where that was going to go. I thought it was like, oh shit, there we go. But then it turned. Wow, man. And it seems like you're just going off on a run on what some other comedian was talking about. A lot of comedians do material that they prepare.

This was great. Now I believe you. Everybody knows that the old passport of comedy is a jumbo ruled three prong mini index. It was particularly funny when... I'm pretty sure I still see the tag on it from CBS.

I guess you keep the tag. When he grabbed the microphone and used it as a dick, it was fun how he put it so close to this obvious mother-son combo right here. I appreciated that very much. Yeah, it was very aggressive. You were really slamming that mic stand up and down. I want us

both to go take a blood test to see if we related in any way. It's true. A lot of stage presence on this one. Maybe it's the old hand-me-down. A lot of stage presence. You know what would have been tight? If you would have busted in the door like the cops

and shit. Busted in the pussy like the cops and shit. Like, bow! Bitch, get on the ground! And start fucking the bitch. You know me, though. You know me, though. That's shit funny, though, bro. I never heard from the Bliss Cafe, bro. Oh, really? Yeah, man.

Wow. How long have you been doing stand-up? Six, seven years. Off and on, sort of, huh? Well, no. I kind of went through a depressed state. My mom died a couple years ago. I just kind of fucking went downhill for that point.

Now I'm back. I love that. You're back. You got a lot of energy. I'm funny, too. Hell yeah. I love that. It's actually my first night doing this after two and a half years now.

First night back after two and a half years. Two and a half years, a lot's changed. Todd Meltzer's son grew up. I think it's funny that he hasn't done comedy in two and a half years, and he came up here and immediately just improvised the joke. Yeah. That's pretty fucking great. All that pent-up energy.

You're like, you know that thing somebody else was talking about? I'm going to do a better version of it. Really well done. It's exactly what you did. I mean, a lot of energy. Now, I'm still a little confused. Were you saying that you're on the big dick end of it or the little dick end of it? I don't even know what you were saying.

I just knew it was great. Big dick end of it, of course. Right. So you're saying you have to warm them up. You have to let them see it. You got to. No, you just don't go smashing of it, of course. Right. So you're saying you have to warm them up. You have to let them see it. You gotta, no, you just don't go smashing in the pussy. Right. Just smash.

You know, you gotta take your time with it. Play with it. Let them know you're coming. It's the color speech. It's the speech. They don't get scared when they see it. Because I feel like you're a real lovemaker, Jeffrey. I feel like you get a lady back to your place.

You have candles lit up. Yeah. Music. All that. What do you play music on? Barry lit up. Music. What do you play music on? Barry White. What do you play it on? Do you play it on your iPhone? He's not jazz, is he?

Set the tone. Jeffrey, let me ask you something. Set the tone for us. He's mad as he will bite you. You picked Barry White's one pop hit? Okay. All right, I'm busting a pussy now. That's why they're busting it on a pussy.

That's too much. That's busting it on a pussy right there. There's got to be something really slow. Yeah, it's got to be like a slow Barry White. It's got to be a little bit more. You know you're the one. So what do you do?

You light some candles Put a little berry white On the cassette player Smoke some weed first Set the atmosphere Lights are low Nice playing music Have a nice drink

Bring you closer to me How you doing? Here comes that mother-son combo again. I got a friend I'd like you to meet. Uh-oh. His name is Big Willie. So you bring him in slowly. I got a question.

Yes. Why are you still wearing the clothes that they gave you when you leave jail? in the clothes that they gave you when you leave jail. That shit got a Lucy cigarette in that motherfucker somewhere. Motherfucker, I told you I've been depressed. It's the first thing I found, okay? Mom died three years ago, man. Oh, I'm sorry.

Do you always call your dick Big Willie? Is that a thing? I just threw that in there. You just improvised that. You don't have a name for your dick. I'm not white. White boys have a name for your dick. It's like a... What's the name for your dick, Mike? We don't have a name for our dicks. We keep it.

What's you guys' names for your dicks? You know you do. Mine's Jason. I used to have a... Is that because you make it wear a mask? Yeah. Do you think you have a bigger dick than the other guy? Should we have a dick off, guys?

Wow. Brian has been pitching this to me for weeks now. I've been trying to get him on board. Hey, if you're trying to beat WWE Raw or whatever, this would be a great way to do it. Have a little dick off. Dick off. I don't even know what it's called.

WWE Raw is not what it's called. It's on a website. Well, this is a lot like wwe because this is actually virgil do you remember virgil from uh the seven people in the room that know who virgil is but all right do you know who virgil is jeffrey um do you have any do you have any kids yes i do how many uh three boys how many that you don't know about? No, only three. Only three that you don't know about? If I'm black, I got to kill them. I got to kill them. I only got three kids I can kill. I do.

So six kids total. No, three. That's so great that you would be there to be there for those six kids, Jeffrey. I know. I know. Every time I want them, I'm like, dude. I feel like some of them maybe are grown up. How old's the oldest?

The oldest is 32. Hell yeah. Wow. That's definitely grown up. How old are you, Jeffrey? I'll be 53 next week. Wow. Look at that.

More energy than any of these kids. You know, I hope at 53 I'm still coming by the Kill Tony Monday Night Podcast. Hell yeah, Jeffrey. What do you do for fun? Right now, not a hell of a lot. Yeah, what's like your favorite hobby? What do you do to get away? Smoke weed.

Smoke weed. Yeah. What's your favorite thing to do when you smoke weed? Fuck. Fuck. Wow. But you don't pound it real hard. You kind of got to go nuts.

You just ease into it. There it is. There you go. There you don't pound it real hard. You kind of got to go nuts. You just ease into it. There it is. There you go. There you go. Hey, Jeffrey, you got a piece of rice on your top lip. It's true. It was because it wasn't. No, it's true.

I noticed it too, but I wasn't going to say anything. It's not rice. I'm driving pussy juice. Oh, pussy juice? You made a pussy before you walked up here? Nah. My nigga. Jeffrey, let me ask you something.

What's your trick to going down on a lady? You have any tips of that trade? It seems like you know how to do the dick thing, but I want to know if you know how to, like, you know, please a woman orally. Do you do that? Oh, yeah. What's some tricks with that?

Just make sure you hit the right spot. Make sure you hit the right spot. Make sure you hit the right spot. You don't know the spot, then you got problems. Yeah, that's true. You mean the asshole? Yeah. You got a problem.

Yeah, do you ever gobble the asshole up? Never. Never? I don't eat ass. Why? It's the cleanest part of a woman. I don't eat ass. That one's not true.

It's like how the dog's mouth is the cleanest and cleaner than humans. That's not true. It's wiped three or four times a day if you think about it. It not true. It's like how the dog's mouth is the cleanest cleaner than humans. That's not true. It's wiped three or four times a day if you think about it. It's true. Eat masks give you pimples on your lip. No, it doesn't. Oh, it don't. Oh, okay.

Jeffrey, what's the craziest thing you've ever done with a woman? You have more experience than all the guests tonight than all of us on the panel. I know you just swim in pussy all the time. No, I don't swim in than all the guests tonight, than all of us on the panel. I know you just swim in pussy all the time. No, I don't swim in pussy all the time, but I have fucked a girl in the bathroom at the airport before she took off. What? Wow.

Look at that. Fuck yeah. Hell yeah. Why do I feel like this was a Southwest flight? Yeah. No, no. No way. It wasn't Southwest.

It was fucking jet black. You know what I'm saying? Hell yeah. Boom. I got you covered, Jeffrey. Actually, it's like spirit. It's like spirit. Well, maybe.

Because he does charge them to have sex with him afterwards. Spirit Airlines charge you $20 to fuck in their bathroom. I know. Before you take off. Jeffrey, you're so fucking cool. does charge them to have sex with them afterwards. Spirit Airlines charges you $20 to fuck in their bathrooms. Jeffrey, you're so fucking cool. I probably met you years ago. Yeah, I met you before, man. So good to see you again. Congrats on being back in the game. Sorry about your mom. And I'm glad that you're back

making people laugh. Jeffrey Wari, everybody. There he goes. Boom. Another one. And then another. And another one. And then another one. And another one. And then another one. And another one. He's on Twitter at fucking bad handwriting.

Bad handwriting. Is he using cursive? He's the only 53-year-old on Twitter. What do you think that is, Jamar? Do you guys use cursive still? At five. At Jay Wari. At Jay Wari.

You give it to the black guy to translate the black guy's writing? Yeah, it's like doctors and pharmacists. Yeah. I don't know. Alright, guys. This is the part of the show where we have our one regular. This young lady writes and performs a brand new

minute every single week. She's our only regular right now. And here she is, everybody. The always nervous, the always fun stylings. The underdog. The one. The only. Melissa Esslinger, everybody. Here she is. Another new minute. I didn't poop in the toilet until I was five years old, which is always a good way to start a conversation. I was scared to go in the toilet. My parents tried to bribe me with a dollhouse,

but what really did it was when I pooped my pants in my favorite DuckTales pajamas. That was kind of the last straw. I ate, this is related, just hang on for a second. I ate chalk when I was a kid. I specifically remember having the logic like, no, chalk,. Crayons? No. Gross. I think I just wanted to make my poop pretty before it finally came out. I got more if you want. I don't know where I'm at.

It's 54 seconds. What do you want to do? I was going to talk about the time I ate a nickel. Yeah. Yeah. What happened there? My brother was going to buy an eraser, and I didn't want him to. I don't know what that was. So I took the nickel, and I put it in my mouth, and I swallowed it. That was a cool x-ray, though.

Did they really x-ray it? Yeah. Wow. It might have been a dime. That makes more sense.-ray though. Did they really x-ray it? Yeah. It might have been a dime. That makes more sense. It's smaller. There you go. Melissa Esslinger with a new minute everybody. She ate a fucking nickel.

She ate chalk. What was the first thing? Pooping. I almost would flip the order around. I would go eating, eating, and then pooping. But that's just me. Because naturally, if you eat chalk and a dime, you're going to have to talk about shit for a little bit.

It's true. I thought you were going to say some shit like, you didn't go to the bathroom, so your mom bribed you with a dollhouse, so you took a shit in that bathroom. Yeah. That's what I thought you were going to... I thought you were actually gonna say

I couldn't take a shit in the bathroom so my parents bribed me with a dollhouse and I took a shit in the dollhouse either way yeah so what was the deal with the pooping why do you think you couldn't poop in a toilet were you pooping in diapers

oh my god you had diapers until you were five you are so adorable this nervous little girl oh my god i didn't wear i feel like this is all like a lie and you're still wearing a diaper right now and you might be literally shitting your pants right now every time i come on stage that's just what i do poop your pants a little bit. Now that's interesting. Five years old. I guess when did most, where's Marta at? Is your three-year-old pooping on a toilet yet?

Yes. I feel like you're lying and that was just like. But he's doing it hilariously, right? Right. Yeah, he kills it. Put it backwards and shit. I would literally like, I don't actually remember it, but I think I put the diapers on myself and then I would go in my room. I would go in my room, not the bathroom.

That's what's funny. You know, you have a problem when you're putting on the diapers yourself. You know, and then when I turned 16, I had to drive to the store and get the diapers and bought the diapers. I mean, Tony introduced you as the always nervous, so I haven't seen you perform before you, but just you talking to us right now is so much more laid back than you performing stand-up comedy. Obviously,

I'm sure it's something you've heard before, but the goal is just to be as laid back and as chill as possible. The only way to do that is you just keep doing this. That's all I've got to say. I used to pee in the bed until I was like 12. Oh, hell yeah. Wow, 12. A lot of... I did it in Vegas last month.

A lot of male comics, including myself, that I've talked to, have wet the bed late into their fucking life. Oh, yeah. I still do it. Yeah, me too.

I think it was like 10 or 11. It was late, dude. It was fucking late. I was 11. Mom made me go see a fucking therapist and shit. I don't think so. Have you ever been so wasted like in Vegas or something that you

actually peed where your bathroom would be but in a hotel room? So you like walked the same path but then you peed on a plasma. There's something weird about comics, both men and women and like our systems of release it's

like we're late with that shit or something you guys pee out of your butt ever you mean like diarrhea no I've never had diarrhea that's been put in there one time I ate some chalk I think I was just stubborn because when I was two I like didn't poop for like two weeks and my two weeks two weeks dead Whatever. That's what my mom said. I don't know but she took me the dog your mom one of those that sees like ghosts and UFOs and shit Maybe that's the right question. Where's dad where Kansas what wait? What was you answer Tony's question? Where's your mom at? Where were you raised? Where? Kansas? What? Wait, what was the question? You answer Tony's question. Where's your mom at? Where's your mom from? Where were you raised?

All over. I moved a lot. What's one of the main parts? I lived the longest in Germany on a base. Oh, Germany. Holy shit. And where's dad? Everybody poops their pants in Germany.

They're married. They're married. Yeah. Okay, got it. He worked a lot. Okay. Yeah. Huh.

Well, maybe moving a lot has to do with me. You don't feel comfortable shitting in your own toilet because you don't even know where your own toilet it's also germany you know there's a lot of shit type stuff going on in germany usually body training was happening in new york and florida usually in germany people are afraid of the showers not the toilet i guess it's a whole bathroom i. I don't get it. Why? Explain it. Oh, because of the Holocaust. So, alright, poop pants, poop pants,

and then there was chalk. What does happen when you eat chalk? I don't know, but I remember one time You never checked your pants after eating it? What's the turd look like? I don't remember I just know that like I remember

I knew I wasn't supposed to do it Because I remember we were at like a waiting room or something And they had a chalkboard And I remember just like hiding Oh my god It's weird Well you said the logic between eating chalk over crayons That's funny but explain that to me more

What is your logic? I mean during the joke explain it to us Yeah I mean what is a five year old Was it five What is your logic? I mean, during the joke, explain it to us. Yeah. I mean, what is a five-year-old? Was it five? You were five? I think it was like three.

I mean, chalk seems more delicious to me than crayons. Really? I was a chapstick guy. You can't chew crayons. Yeah, grape chapstick. That's the shit. I almost had that in my joke, too. You can just lick the powder. Yeah, put it in some water.

Ghetto Kool-Aid. Yeah. By ghetto some water. Ghetto Kool-Aid. By ghetto I mean black. Do you remember pooping out the nickel and did you make a wish before it hit the water? Okie dokie. Melissa Esslinger everybody with another brand new minute. The only regular.

Watch her grow every single week live in front of your very eyes here on Kill Tony. Ryan J.E. Belt drew this episode. Check this out. This is what happened here tonight, guys. Check it out on RyanJEBelt.com, his Instagram and Twitter. RyanJEBelt.com at RyanJEBelt. That is dope, huh? Artwork.

That is great. Look at you, Jamar. Looks like a black guy. Dude, I like how he made my face look like I'm in shape. I love that. Michael Costa, what are you promoting? You're on Twitter? I had a show on E! called The Comment Section.

We found out last week they will not be bringing it back, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, I love it. Promoting the final episode. The show's over. MichaelCosta.com. I don't know what the fuck I'm doing right now, so check out my website. Follow him on Twitter.

Catch him on the road. Jamar Neighbors. Use your microphone, Jamar. I'll be at Harris Casino all week in Vegas hosting the improv. And I got a movie coming out on April 22nd next year. It's the Key & Peele movie. It's called Keanu. Yeah.

I love that. Key & Peele movie. Keltoni's coming to Columbus and Pittsburgh this week live. Bye. Bye, live audience. Thank you so much. Bye, everybody. Bye, everybody. everybody That can only mean one thing Ever since I left the city, you, you, you

You and me, we just don't get along You make me feel like I did you wrong Going places where you don't belong