KILL TONY - KILL TONY #131

Episode Date: December 15, 2015

Aaron Kleiber, Ashley Barnhill, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban - Date: 11/27/2015 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony here at DeathSquad.TV. Huge news, guys. If you live in Texas, oh, your holiday season just got an upgrade. Me and Tony Hinchcliffe are bringing Kill Tony to Austin and Dallas. December 26th, we'll be in Austin at the Spider House Ballroom. It's going to be Kill Tony at 8 p.m. followed by a comedy show at 10.30 p.m. And whoever is the best local comic that we choose from Kill Tony gets to open up for us at the comedy show. Now, that's December 26th, the day after Christmas in Austin.

But then, the day after that, December 27th, we'll be in Dallas doing the same thing at Hyena's Comedy Club. That'll be Kill Tony at 7.30 p.m. followed by a comedy show at 9.30 p.m. You can get tickets by going to DeathSquad.tv and clicking on tour dates. And don't forget, we're always, every Monday, at the Comedy Store in the Belly Room doing Kill Tony. Every Tuesday, we have the Roast Battle, which is the verbal violence, the very popular Roast Battle, every Tuesday night

in the belly room. And every Friday, we have the Ice House comedy show, and that's at the Ice House in Pasadena. All these can be found by going to DeathSquad.tv and clicking on Tour Dates. The new Death Squad shirt is in stock, and it ships this week.

If you haven't ordered Taco Cat, there's a few left. Go to shopsquad.tv for all the official Death Squad merchandise. And don't forget to go to Tony Hinchcliffe's website, TonyHinchcliffe.com, for all the news and information about the Golden Pony himself,

Tony Hinchcliffe. All right, guys. It's a brand new episode of Kill Tony Live from Pittsburgh. Hey, this is Ripley coming live from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania at the Arcade Theater for a brand new episode of

Kill Tony! Kill Tony! Kill Tony! You're the Tony Huston! Wow! Hello everybody! How are you? Make some noise, it's a live show! Wow, how exciting! Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania.

Yes. Everybody laughs at that, that's the first joke of the night. Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. Yes. Everybody laughs at that. That's the first joke of the night. Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. Fuck yeah. You guys excited or what? It's going to be a fun one. Anything can happen on these road ones. When we take this crazy show on the road,

we get to meet all new people and shit gets crazy. Put your hands together for Brian Redband, ladies and gentlemen. It's a great show, guys. What's happening? What's happening? What's happening? What's happening? What's happening? What's happening? What's happening?

This is some fucking shady shit we're doing here. It's not been a weird fire hazard. It's not been a hidden secret theater that they don't want anybody to know about, right? Put your hands together for the Arcade Theater, everybody. Arcade Theater. That's where we are. Live in Pittsburgh, baby. Sold out to capacity, something like that.

Looks like a couple people might be running late. I love it. Fucking people at that Thanksgiving hangover. Happy Thanksgiving, everybody. How about that? Super belated. We're back home. This is where Brian and I are from.

So you've been in Columbus and I've been in Youngstown. And our flight is Monday, 9.30. You have that tattooed on your arm, don't you? That's what I just keep thinking of over and over again. Monday, and our flight is Monday, 9.30. You have that tattooed on your arm, don't you? That's what I just keep thinking of over and over again. Monday, 9.30, Monday, 9.30, it's all going to be over then. As soon as I get to the airport, I'm just going to go, fuck! Me too. I mean, I'm staying with my dad right now, I'm a stepmom,

and I'm having to do the whole family thing I'm not used to, where I have to act nicer, like a fake character of myself. And last night, I just couldn't take it anymore. And I'm like, I have to find a bar. I have to get drunk. I have to do something. No bars were open. I thought Thanksgiving night would be the place

that I could go out after and get away from the family. No. It's the night before. Yeah, the only bar that was open was this old strip club. And I talked to a 43-year-old stripper. They had five babies in there. Well, that's what you do when you're in Los Angeles, so I'm pretty sure you're used to that by now. We love babies.

Always ends up with a... All right. Anyway, here we are, guys. Fucking... Kills. Killing it all the way on the streets here today. Energy in this back hidden, what seems like it used to be a large restroom of some kind. And now we've turned it into a fucking blowout theater. I love this.

I have the same exact lights on my patio. I feel right at home here. And you gotta love the fucking emergency fog lights acting as... Guys, this is what I do. When I get to a new place, I just start roasting it. It's like we have the ceilings of my grandmother's urinal. People that work here are just staring at me like, why is this guy being a dick right now?

Not cool, dude. I'm a little bit of an asshole, but every place gets it. I make fun of the amphitheaters that I do sometimes. It's quiet on that. You completely surprised your family. You did kind of like a, hello, I'm in town. How was that? Yeah, it was great. I did this crazy shocker thing where...

Like what, two in the stink, one in the butt? Yeah, exactly. It was pretty much that. I surprised my mom, who's here tonight, everybody. Joy Hinchcliffe. Royalty. Royalty. You might know her from the hit podcast, Your Mom's House,

which I did with Tom Segura and Christina Pacinski, where we learned that there's no such thing as Wednesdays. Troy Hinchcliffe, ladies and gentlemen. Former mafia kingpin turned nice old lady. She raised five kids. I was the youngest, and she figured it out by me. You know what I'm saying? Just kidding.

My sister's here, everybody. Two of them, I think. Scattered around. Fuck yeah. Well, you surprised me with your family. You did a double surprise thing. everybody two of them scattered around fuck yeah wow you surprised me with your family you did a

double surprise thing thanks for telling me before I said the shocker thing well no

it's okay I like it you can do whatever you want my family is used to this crazy

shit you're the one that lives that secret double life like you gave the pot back to the

promoter you dropped us off put your hands together for Jason, everybody. What's it? Jason Drew. PuzzlePacks.com

Sneakersavage.com This is a Death Squad Kill Tony reusable six-pack carrier. So if you're into the IPAs and shit like that, it's made out of wood. On one side it has Kill Tony. On the other side it has Death Squad logo on it. And it's badass. It's made out of wood. On one side, it has Kill Tony. On the other side, it has Death Squad logo on it. And it's badass.

It's like a shark tank thing. Some shady motherfucker made these for us. How about that? Thanks for the voice for that. Gave it to us tonight. We brought the sword with us via Spirit Airlines.

We had the sword. Okay, guys. SampleHour.com, SneakerSavage.com, PuzzlePacks.com, Don Baker and G We have the things. Okay, guys. SampleHour.com, SneakerSavage.com, PuzzlePacks.com, Don Baker and Gio at the Santa, at the Sano, everybody.

Make some noise for them. We always kill the energy that we have going by mentioning promoters. Everybody gets commercials, right? We live in a Netflix age. You know what? Fuck you guys.

We're going to edit that part out we are live right now on Ustream make some noise for the thousands of people on Ustream let's have some fun you know us we always have two hilarious comedians sit down with us while we talk to other comedians about comedy. This show is no different.

Still the same Kill Tony quality with guests in the past like Sinbad and Joe Rogan and Doug Benson and Sarah Silverman. Emmy award winning people we've had on this show. And tonight's no different. Josh Martin. Okay. No, he's never been on this show. I've been watching different. Josh Martin? Okay. No, he's never been on this show. I've been watching right now. Hi, Josh.

Hi, Josh. I wish we were rich enough to take you. Yes. So let's do it. Tonight's guests, amazing comedians, unbelievable, openers for Chappelle, headliners,

blah, blah, blah, same thing, Pittsburgh. You get spoiled tonight with the talents of Aaron Kleber and Ashley Barnhill, ladies and gentlemen. Here we go. We're here. Live. Turn that back. Yes.

Ashley Barnhill with double hydration powers tonight, coming up with a full cup and a bottle of water. Cleaver with a bottle of water. He's a dad. Gotta keep a straight edge. I love it. How's that going? That's great, dude. I don't drink. Because I'm a dad. I hung out with my nephews. I had the time of my life. I was talking about poop and video games and farts.

It was great. I wish I could hang out. I wish you hung out and talked to each other. Again, that's the same stuff you do when you're in Los Angeles. You're rationalizing on doing something cool with your nephews, but you talk to me about you bring up poop and pee every 10 seconds. I know, but you don't like it as much as they do. It's funny to little kids.

Dude, it's like I'm living a dream. It really is. you don't like it as much as they do. It's funny to little kids. I'm living the dream. My niece has kids that were there and they're so adorable and cute that I started to want kids. I have to start ignoring them because they make me want to have kids a little bit.

That thing's coming out of nowhere. I'm 31 and my balls are just telling my brain, let's do this. Like, I'm starting to hear it. I'm starting to have, like, man shit go on, where it's like, you need to reproduce. Like, some kind of biological weird shit's happening. I try to ignore my kids because I don't want more. I'm like, they're so cute.

But now I want more sons, because all I've been doing for a week is playing Star Wars Battlefronts with my five-year-old son. It's like the best moment of my life. How many do you have, two? Three. Three. Wow. Oh my goodness.

Boys and girls? Yeah. No, yeah, boy, two girls. You know, a four-year-old taught me something new about buttholes that I didn't know. Way to learn. I guess you can get strep throat in your butthole.

I don't know if you do. How's a three year old? Yo, what is a four year old watching? I got strep throat in my butthole! Because he was making fun of the three year old that just had strep throat in his butthole. Whoa! Yeah, I guess sometimes like you get the virus

can go right past your tonsils and be like, I don't want anything with that. And then go over and just attack your butthole Is this on the Sprout Channel? What is this? That's the damn channel guys Holy shit You guys know

Oh my god, watch the Sprout Channel on the Sadness Network It sounds like Netflix and cry It's terrible. Wait, what's on the Sprout channel? Just, you know, kid shows. And like butthole science. Wow. You don't smoke pot either when you're hanging out with these kids.

No. So you have to watch Sprouts with them. Yeah. So tonight's the night, guys. Oh my gosh. Guys. I've got a drink. I love it. Are you guys excited or what?

Believe it or not, that lobby is filled with Pittsburgh comedians that are dying for the opportunity to come up here and chat with us. They could do 60 seconds in front of the thousands and thousands live streaming watching around the world right now and the tens and tens in this sold-out capacity. It is sold out. I take great pride. They told me a week ago, they're like, dude, the show's sold out.

I'm like, fucking awesome. This is going to be crazy. I didn't know that I sold out a large U-Haul cardboard box. But I'm pretty sure that this is about the size of the box that I used to move a few months ago. I just used one giant fucking box. I could fit my life in here. So let's do it, shall we? Over, I think, like 11 or 12 comedians signed up for the chance to do 60 seconds on stage.

They go right behind this microphone that's right over here. They talk for 60 seconds, try to win you over, and then we talk to them about anything at all. These are two of the best comedians in the world. And I'm a fucking genius. So we always have fun. It's spontaneous craziness. Are you guys ready to do this or what?

Comedians, your names are all in this bucket. It's all random. Anything could happen at any given time. And comedians, you know your 60 seconds is up when you hear the sound of a kitty. That means wrap it up then, or else you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. Bear.

angry West Hollywood bear. There it is. There's that pistol we've been learning so much about. Alright, here we go. You guys ready for this shit or what? By the way, a lot of people don't know this. This is the number one live podcast in the world.

As of two weeks ago, we passed up Duck Bells movies. Really? I'm starting this rumor. But it sounds great, doesn't it? I want to say it's like quote unquote Highlights Magazine. I'm totally admitting that it's a rumor that I've started in the past couple weeks. I started mumblings about it three episodes ago, and now I'm just basically saying it.

We are the number one live podcast in the world. It's also the number one show on NBC. Check it. According to Sprouts Network. What's crazy about NBC is there's actually more people in this shoebox than watch NBC. That's true. That's a true fact. I don't know if you guys have seen it lately, but not so good. And not barely cool.

Like I said, two of the best comedians in the world, and I'm a genius. And then you have Brian Redman here, everybody. No, I'm kidding. I'm stupid. I'm pulling a name out. No Twitter handle for this guy. Dom Baker. Here we fucking go. Oh, wow. Dom Baker. Thank you. Thank you. What's happening?

What's happening? We good tonight? Pittsburgh? Yes. Thank you. I'm actually from Finley, Ohio. You guys might know that because it is the hometown of your great quarterback Ben Roethlisberger. Yes! I'm a Browns fan, so fuck you guys. Yes! All right, okay. I went the wrong way with getting the crowd against me. All right, very nice. I actually just started, recently just started dating a girl that is way out of my league, and I

know this because every time I introduce her as my girlfriend, everybody goes, him? He looks like the guy that gave Charlie Sheen HIV. Everybody thinks it's okay to comment on me that I look like I have AIDS, but it's like, I really just recently lost 60 pounds, and no one gives it up for me for that, you know? Yeah, you know, I did it, yeah. A good, healthy diet of cocaine. That's what we do. I fucking love cocaine. I don't know about you guys.

You know why guys will suck dick for cocaine? Because it's worth it! There you go. 60 seconds for Don Baker, who obviously sucks dick for coke. Pretty sure we just found out. Of all the different takes I've seen on sucks dick for coke, I've never just seen somebody end it with, because I like cocaine that much. You're really owning it. Is that true? Have you ever sucked dick? No, I have not.

Oh, man. I almost wish that you haven't. I love it. Then again, sucking dick and having AIDS. I don't know. Pick your poison. I love that. It's crazy to me that people have been telling you that you look like the guy

that would give Charlie Sheen AIDS. Oh, yeah. It's everywhere. It's the past week. That's allen AIDS. Oh yeah, it's everywhere. It's, I guess, the past week, that's all I get. Wait, really? What are you talking to? That's serious. I mean, I'm in a gay hot tub party, and everyone's filming.

Like, really, people are really saying that. Like Applebee's? Like where? All my comic friends, I guess, So that's where the joke came from. Hell yeah. Did you always have your head shaved or when did you become a member? Yeah, I finally gave up probably about a year ago.

I always wore a hat, but then you just gotta say fuck it. Fitting hair? Yeah, oh, look at this. I can't tell, it's shaved. We don't know what's going on right there. I love it. It looks like this is your make-a-wish, so... Thank you. Thank you.

No, I love it, man. You would make a great clan member, though. He would use the small pillowcases, you know, that are going... All right. Who's got to get to Disney, that are going, that are going, alright. Who's got to get to Disney tomorrow? So let's talk about it, Dom. Let's break it down. You came out right from the gut. You said, I'm from Ohio, and then go fuck yourselves, all of you.

You won us over, and then you pushed us back, and then you won us over by saying he's the Steelers quarterback, and then you go, but I'm a Browns fan. There's two rules to comedy, and I'm never Browns fan. There's two rules to comedy. And I'm never a person to say that there's rules to comedy. One is you gotta take chances. Two,

never admit to being a Browns fan. I'm not a Browns fan. But if I was a Browns fan, I'd still say I'm not a Browns fan. Like if I was a Browns fan, I'd still say I'm not a Browns fan. Like, you were good, like, talking about sucking dick for coke. That's better than saying you're a Browns fan. Exactly. Exactly.

So Dom, let's talk about it. What do you really do for fun? Obviously you're not the fun dick-sucking partier that we thought you were when we were at. We've been cheated. No, I do cocaine for fun. I really do. Do you really?

Wow, they really do put cocaine around here. That's a real thing. There's nothing else to do. Fuck yeah. Have you ever heard of heroin, sir? You're a real trip, motherfucker. Fuck your pussy-ass coke heads up here. Ever since you came back from Youngstown, that's all you're talking about, heroin, Matt.

Is it big there or something? It is. My buddies told me. I hung out with them on, whenever we fucking got here. They said that it's getting really popular and that a lot of people are doing heroin. But every time I've gone there, there's always been an upgrade. I check in once every three years in a youngster town. I'll hang with my buddies, and there's always an upgrade. Like 10 years ago, it was like,

man, a lot of people smoking pot, and then it's like a lot of people doing coke, and then it's a lot of people on meth, and now it's on heroin. Wow, what's next? I'm pretty sure it's bath salts. There you go. That's the word of the day.

Bath salts, everybody. We used to have a guy that drove us around Ohio and Pittsburgh that used to do the fake weed. I remember being with Joey Diaz. I was with Joey Diaz driving and the guy's like, hold on, I need to smoke some weed.

We're like, all right. But he didn't smoke the fake stuff. And he almost killed us a thousand times. Now I'm just looking back at that. That's ridiculous. That fake weed is even worse than... What the fuck are you doing? You giving up over there? Grab that fucking microphone. Stand up.

Crazy motherfucker. What are you doing? Is this your moment? Is this your relaxed moment of the night? You got something better to do? Somebody give this guy some fucking coke. He's almost clean. I'm dying up here. You know I give up everything I have. This new fucking Rocky movie. I talked about it last week.

How many people have seen the trailer for the new Rocky movie? Creed? Creed, yeah, whatever. It's dog shit. Sylvester Stallone, in this commercial, you're going to see, he's lost his fucking mind. He doesn't have it anymore. They're just milking this guy. He's got nothing left. He's just a fucking box of rocks. Let's see him in the commercial. He's like the corner man now. He's supposed to be Mickey, but he just can't do it because he's still Sylvester Stallone. He brings me to you.

You think instead of Adrian, he yells, Lakeisha, at the end? Alright, you're still bombing. I gave you 60 seconds of good bomb time. Take your hand out of your pocket. What are you doing? Why can't I just shoot? There's actually coke in there. It's like a gunslinger looking for a revolver. He's absorbing it through his fingertips. So I've never even tried cocaine.

What? No, it's true. Some guy just booed that. You've never made bad decisions. No, I have. But I haven't tried cocaine. Now, what do you like to do for fun? I hear that it brings you down. You end up sort of miserable.

What? You can play birds at the end of the night. Yeah, birds. Fuck those birds. I'll slap the shit out of a bird. Me and Tony used to kill birds when we were kids. Have you ever killed a bird before? No. Are you sure?

Never. I'm pretty sure, yeah. I don't know where you would kill a bird. So what do you do when you do cocaine? Give me a rundown of your type of night. No, this is going to sound weird. You probably walk to the browns and then has to get an upper through the cocaine. Yeah. I'd be doing cocaine too if I was a browns fan. Especially if I kind of talk about it in public.

I was trying to think about what I do and like it's going to sound weird because I did the whole sucking dick thing, but recently we had a dollar drink night at our gay bar, and we've been doing coke and going to get dollar drinks at our gay bar and having fun. Oh, so my gay bar. So wait a second. It's accurate that you were in a hot tub with a bunch of gay guys, and I'm like, wait, are you the guy that gave Charlie Sheen AIDS? Wait a second. And the other guy was going, gay guys are like, wait, are you the guy that gave Charlie Sheen AIDS? Wait a second. And the other guy was going Then they all argue who gave Charlie Sheen AIDS. No, I did.

So you don't suck dick for code. No, I just have fun. You just have fun. Yeah, gay guys are the best to have fun with. Wow. For me have fun? Yeah, gay guys are the best to have fun with. Wow. For me, mine? No, it's a good time. What do you mean a good time?

Before, did you guys do arts and crafts and shit? You guys were fucking doing lines and then crocheting? What do you tell them? Lines, we dance. What's so fun about them? You dance? I don't know, it's just fun. What do you guys do for fun? It's fun.

You guys have fun. So what kind of dances do we do? Maybe we can get a little example. What do we have here? Pretend like you're around a bunch of gay guys. That's the fun. We're in Ohio and he's already doing the head bob and he's so abusive. I heard this awful noise. I heard you can chime in. Ohio Gay Club! Come on! Ohio Gay Club! You can tell Brian's never, this is Brian's way of showing us he's never been to a gay bar before. I swear I haven't been to one. I'm just thinking Pulp Fiction.

What a gay bar in Pulp Fiction would be. That would sound exactly like that. Bring out the gimp, right? All right. I'm sorry. Here, you're a world travel brother. So, are you dancing by yourself at this place, or are you dancing with the guys?

It depends. Wow. There you go. There you this place or are you dancing with the guys? It depends. Wow! There you go. What would you do? What would I do? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Hey, please let me see the balls inside your butt hole. All right, stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Just go. There you go.

There you go. You did all you had to do. You stole my heart. You stole my heart. You stole my heart. You stole my heart. You stole my heart. You you got this. You love it, you stole it. There you go, there you go. You did all you had to do. You stole this. At this point, people are just throwing coke at you.

I'm trying to get free coke, man. I'll throw you coke. People are making it snow on stage right now. Wow. So, Don, you had a whole 60 seconds and you never talked about being a gay man. I guess I discovered something tonight.

No, I think you discovered it at the gay bars and you're just not talking about it yet. And I like that joke he has where he tells people he's a gay girl and they're like, this guy? It's like, oh yeah, you're a gay man. And now I think I see, now I think I understand being a fan of the Browns,

you know what I'm saying? That's a man-asshole, everybody. You see that? You feel fast and smart? You have brown underwear in the front and the back. Yeah, you got everything going on for you. Okie dokie. Okay, Dom, it was nice to meet you. Anything you want to promote? I mean, you don't have a Twitter handle? No, no one.

Guys, go find Dom Baker at your local gay bar. There you go. Y'all are... ...fellas. I love it. Wow. Dom Baker. We just had a guy come out of the closet on the show for the first time ever. That's great. Okay.

Sure. I fucking love this. Put your hands together for Gio Atasano. We know him. What else does he do? Who in the audience has dogs as pets? You guys got dogs? Love dogs.

We can all be friends. Who has cats? I fucking hate cats. God, so bad. I got drunk last week. I passed out on this girl's couch. It's four in the morning. This cat just comes up to me, starts rubbing its face all over me,

meowing at me, turning around, showing me its little pink cheerio. It's fucking disgusting. All I want to do is feed that cat a fridge with magnets thrown against the fridge. It's alright. I settled for cutting off its whiskers and watching it run into walls all night.

It's just jokes. It's alright. I'm going to tell you guys a story. Back in high school, first girlfriend that will willingly have sex with you. It's amazing, right? It's like a drug. It's better than

bath salts. We're at my buddy's fucking cabin. We're doing some underage drinking. We're in there. We go upstairs. I slap on a condom. I start going to town on this little girl, alright? I was little too. It's a proper description, okay? Come on. Condom breaks. Everything feels

amazing. We now have a pregnancy scare on our hands. I don't know what to do. Call my sister, I say... Oh, there it is! Oh, god! Alright. That's a wild one tonight.

That's the whole thing. We're strict on that 60 seconds. That bear comes out of fucking nowhere and now he has an assault rifle. That was your girl's father, I guess. I love it. Gio Atasano. That was some funny stuff. Really cool. I've never met a guy that looks like a young Colonel Sanders before. Colonel Sanders discovered Tom Waits.

Discovered Jared. Jared who? The subway guy? What the fuck? I'm your little girl! I was little too! Is that alright? I love it. Yeah. This is some interesting thing. Because the last guy came out of the closet during his set.

I'm pretty sure you're getting on Amber's list. Yeah. How little is this girl that you're talking about? 4'16". Oh, wow. She's actually calling in right now. Are you talking about a flesh-like baby? No, not quite.

Not quite. What the fuck? I don't know what that is. Gia. I don't know what that is. Uh, Gia. What did you say about the dog lures from the top? I missed that part. That I like dogs and I don't like cats.

Right. That was it. That was interesting to me, because you lost it. I didn't know if that was coming back around or not, because you went straight to cats. Yeah. I wasn't coming back to dogs. So work on that. I would say just go straight to cats. Yeah. I wasn't coming back to dogs. So work on that. I would say just go straight to cats.

You don't even need dogs. Okay. Fair enough. Yeah, I hate cats. I think I don't want to... Why? Why do you hate cats? Uh-oh. Cat.

Yeah! I'm allergic to cats. Well, that's it. You're allergic to cats. Yeah, so I don't want them around me. I'm allergic to penicillin, but you don't see me talking about it. So how's that gonorrhea going?

I sure do hate penicillin. Goddamn penicillin. I hate penicillin. Don't you? They're eating rats. Don't you hate it? Penicillin runs out of the screen. All right, Gio. What's your story, man?

You stand up? Yeah? Here in Pittsburgh? Yeah, about three years. Wow, look at that. Here you are. About two and a half years ago we did a show here. Went into a strip club with you. With the fake ass girl. Yeah, I remember that story. He was there, the fake ass girl night, where the girl wrote my face and then squirted all over me.

And then we were in the elevator with Tom Segura, and what did you smell? Alright, guys, I don't want to hear about this story. There's a live show going on. This is too much. Hey, remember that one night? Geo. So, you've been doing stand-up three years. You're here in Pittsburgh.

What's your story? What do you do for fun? You hang out with Don Baker? No. You ever give him a good old beer drive? No. Can't say that I have. I don't know.

I drink a lot and not too much coke. Sorry, everyone in the audience that loves coke, apparently. Not too much coke. Not too much coke was the exact wording on that. I do that and I make shit out of wood. He made would yeah he made the actual thing that's right there so Gio what's the most fun thing that you've done in your career for comedy yeah I don't know I did a show with Brian Posehn at the Rex and it was like 350 people more than I've ever done. Oh my goodness. That was nice. So you didn't, like, you don't live the comedy lifestyle at all? You just make wooden crafts?

I used to and now I have to make a bunch of shit for money. Is that your monkey shirt? No. That's just a shirt. Alright. I love it. So what else do you have? by the way, one thing that I've noticed is that when I ask people out here what they do for fun they first name a substance last time I was cocaine

this one's like, well I'm a drinker and beer is my hobby I mean, just driving around Columbus one thing, I was in Columbus, Ohio last night, one thing I remember or I was in Columbus, Ohio last night. One thing I remember or didn't remember is how many restaurants and bars. It's like everything is all about eating and drinking. There's nothing else to do except eating and drinking. There's no waterfalls or whatever. It's like, let's look at some fucking sea

lions like partying around. No, there's eating and drinking. That's it. You know sea lions in your life. That's what Dr. K. I saw some sea lions. I was in the Navy for four years so I saw a couple sea lions

out in the ocean. I love that. Yeah. So, what were you doing in the Navy? Went to Thailand a bunch of times.

Great. All over Asia. Yeah. And being on a ship. Is this where you met these little girls that you're talking about? Pretty much. Is this where you met these little girls that you're talking about? Pretty much.

You know where all the little girls are. Great. I know Geo, and after the show, ask him some Navy stories, holy shit. Tell me the best Navy story that involves a hooker. Navy pilot. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Not on this show.

It's not that show, Brian. Why are your cock blocks in? This is our little bit of Gio. You really want to hear this guy tell a fucking story about that? Goodbye. Goodbye. Gio, I love your style. It's good to see you. Ashley, anything for Gio?

Erin, what do you got for Gio? You know, that was the first time I heard the phrase pink cherry-o. Yeah. Cherry-o over again. Yeah, it's good. A good Easter treat version of Cheerios. You all know exactly what I was talking about there, right? Oh yeah. Context put it together.

Yeah, cat asshole. I thought it was a mystery, but there we go. By the way, if you hate cats so much, I am loving this, if you don't know this, put a cucumber behind a cat and film it. Because when the cat looks at the cucumber, like old school DNA in the cat goes, it's a snake! And the cat will freak the fuck out.

If you Google cat versus cucumber, just thank me later. It's one of the most beautiful things that somebody found out recently was how cucumbers really react to cats. So fuck them with cucumbers. Remember, he's allergic to cats, so all of that was like... Oh, come on. It's just this cat-cucumber thing. He can do it. Trust me.

Gio, it was nice to meet you. You have such an Italian name. What nationality are you? Italian. 100%? No, like 75. What's the other name. What nationality are you? Italian. 100%? No, like 75. What's the other 25? What's your favorite sauce? German. Sure.

It's gravy. Gravy. Alright, Gio, there he goes. Gio out of San Francisco. ATTIS AIM. I love this. Fuck yeah. So great. It's like school in the summertime.

It is. This is fun. I love this live audience. I love these six empty chairs. Supposedly sold out a week ago. I like to think that they all died on the car right here. He's watching them turn down people at the door there. Super sold out. Not getting, sorry, sold out.

Sign on the door, sold out. Could have had people on a waiting list just in case. I know people from Pittsburgh that are coming to Ohio Sunday just to get into the show. Because this was sold out. Sign on the door, sold out. Could have had people on your waiting list, just in case. I know people from Pittsburgh that are coming to Ohio Sunday just to get into the show. Because this was sold out. Okay, pulled another name out of the bucket. How about Holly Price? Holly Price. Holly! Let's see if Holly Price. Holly price what's up arcade yeah so two girls and a boy and I'm most worried about my son guys you know because he sees me naked a lot and he's eight so you know like

so i'm in the bathroom he's like why is your poop red i'm like i'm changing my tampon get the fuck out of here and the poor kid already has two strikes against him you know one he's sandwiched in between two really really bossy sisters and two he has red hair it's okay it's okay you know what he's actually this really cute redhead with these beautiful blue eyes and these adorable dimples that i know some guy's gonna find me my dream is he brings home this beautiful black boy named andre and we're gonna call him dre and we're gonna shop for pillows yeah, and we're going to shout for pillows. Yeah. That's my dream. Go fucking judge. Yeah. Guys, he's just such a sweet and sensitive kid.

I know he's going to make a really good bottom. Thank you, guys. There it is. Exactly a minute. I love that. Holy Christ. Fuck yeah. The P stands for Pittsburgh Pedophilia. Pedophilia, I guess.

So, Holly, what is the, uh, why do you think your son's gay? I don't think, I just hope. How old is he? He's eight. Holy shit. So, did you do things to like maybe try to turn him a little bit? Nope, no, I haven't done anything. You haven't bought them ballet shoes or anything like that? Or introduced them to Don Baker?

Nothing of the sort? No, it's like one of those things that I'm like, oh, please. Wow. Don't you think you're going to have enough fun with the feminine energies of your two daughters? No, one of them has to be gay, too. Wow. Do you think you're going to have enough fun with the feminine energies of your two daughters? No, one of them has to be gay too. Wow. You might be making them gay for your own personal pleasure. I'm gay! Do you know what? I need help with fucking decorating. I'm sorry. We've got to balance the family out. It's way too white.

I need some black blood in. That's the only way it will be acceptable. That's interesting to me. My family's a little racist. They would accept a gay black man, but not me bringing him home. So you talk about Andre. Shorten his name to Dre. Why would you want to go shopping with a... What's the difference between a black person or white? Other than the fact that they're...

Come on now. We know they can throw it on. Come on now. Are you saying you want Dre to go shopping with you because you know he's just going to shoplift? That would be racist't know about that. It wouldn't be racist if I suggested it, but it's racist if you thought that. I just know the style will be on point. Oh, style. I gotcha. Because that is true. It seems like black gay guys are like, you know...

I mean, have you met a dorky black guy? If he was, he was like raised by a white family. He was like adopted. Oh, really? Wow. I love that. Are you sure you already don't have any African American in your bloodline? Do you have a black dick in you right now? Oh, I wish.

I nailed it that time, Brian. Thank you, Santa, for coming early. Santa? That's not a black name. Apparently a black Santa is visiting her every Christmas. Sounds like it. She's getting a little coal in her stocking.

You know what I'm saying? Something under the fucking... She's got some sauce in her mouth. Mistletoads. Santa could be a bug name. You don't know that. I see what you did there,

Holly. You killed the momentum. How long have you been with Santa? About three years. Three years. Yeah. So fun.

What's fun about the Pittsburgh scene? You're here because you have kids. You married? I am married. What's your husband the Pittsburgh scene? You're here because you have kids. You married? I am married. What's your husband like? Quiet.

That's what you like, don't you? No, no, he looks, he literally looks like he just came, he's completely covered in tattoos, he looks like he just walked out of prison. He looks like a member of the Sons of Anarchy, but he's still not. So how'd you, what, like when you met him, where'd you meet him, like Olive Garden, like where'd you meet him? No, I saw, I literally, it was years ago, like when you met him, where'd you meet him? Like Olive Garden? Like where'd you? No, I saw, I, it was years ago, like 15 years ago.

I saw him at a bar and I went, I'm supposed to be with that guy. And I just knew, but he was with a girl and I kind of like lingered like a, like a psycho. And then a month later I saw him again and I went, that's that fucking guy again. And I went, whoop. What was it about him that you liked? Was he like making it rain or something? I don just like I'm supposed to be so is he the redhead he's not my brother's a redhead you might be choked on Yes, she does. I'm such a normal dad and parent.

Holly scares the shit out of me. Right? Yeah. So you have a red-headed brother? Is that right? I do. So you used to have to pull bullies off of him? No, he was about six years older. No, he was fine.

Oh, okay. That's interesting. What does your husband do for work? He's a plumber. He owns his own plumbing business. Fuck yeah. Does he even clog you sometimes? I am fine.

Literally took the air out of what could have been a great plumbing joke in that one. Just racing to the finish. It's like, I'm caught! Everything Brian says is a DM on Tinder. Wait, I gotta get on Tinder now. Yeah, there's no black people on Tinder.

They're on their own thing. It's called, what is it? They always use my account. Anyway. So, Holly, have you ever been with a black man? I have not. Wow. But you've thought about it.

It's a dream. It really is, right? Well maybe you and this guy... You could easily do that. That's like the easiest dream ever. Just go out in the back alley, lay in there with your butthole open, and guess what? Your dream came true.

Dude, if he's black, he's definitely not getting my ass first, that's for sure. Why? He's got a stick of it, come on! No, that's how they do it. They go ass first. And then they work their way forward. They work his ass first. At least that's not what happened when I hooked up with a black man. And then he worked his way to my custody after that.

But make sure you can't run away. Interesting. So, Holly, let's keep it going here. This is interesting, Doug. Anything you guys want to know about Holly? Any questions for Holly? No, I just, I don't realize that she's, like, I just want my kids to, like, get good grades. And she's like, I want you to be gay.

Like, who knows? Well, if they're gay, they're automatically going to get good grades, so. I got things to think about, guys. This is a life-changing experience. Yeah. I'm going to set higher goals. Hey, maybe you two can hook up your kids with each other on little play dates. Here you go, boys.

Here's a bottle of lube. Have fun. My son's very sweet. My son is very sweet. I mean, calm down, man! Hello? Are we having a sweet-off tonight, everybody? Bring your sons in! Here they come, everybody!

It's Lil' Johnny and Biscuit Breath! Do you, uh, do you have fingernails? Oh, Brian! You have to stop! This guy with tattoos is going to be standing outside. Yeah, she needs it. Well, okay. Holly, so what do you do for work? I'm a buyer. Ooh, fuck yeah.

Whatever you're buying, I'm selling. What are you buying? I buy for Dick's Sporting Goods. Of course. All right. What is this racing game you're doing? I'm training this episode like you're on At Midnight, like you're winning points. Basketball.

So wait a second. This is incredible. Because you seem like... Okay, let me ask you this. How often, how long have you been with the tattoo guy? 15 years? Yes. How long did the sex stop? I mean, did it ever start?

It was just like, you know, like an inch, right? Wait, stop or start? What do you mean, like, because we're now married? It slowed down. It slowed down, yeah. That's what you're talking about. Don't bullshit. I'm an expert on the panel. Don't bullshit. Yeah, the thing that I'm, the reason why I think the sex may have stopped is because you blatantly, blatantly, blatantly... One black dick.

Yeah. You have this fantasy that it's pouring out of you in front of a live group of people. And the internet. Right. I like it when they forget about that. I just went to the bathroom. Okay.

Oh, shit. All right. There's a fucking frat party here, obviously. Oh, shit. Alright, there's a fucking frat party here, obviously. I love it. Oh, I love that. So that's cool. So you're a buyer, and what are you buying again?

I buy, um, I work, yes, but I buy all their like, swim, surf apparel, board shorts, rash guards. Which, there's a lot of in Pittsburgh. There's a bunch of exploring goods stores. We've sold seven pairs of board shorts in the past six years. What is wrong?

Business is a boob. We sold a surfboard seven months ago. Is that a tattoo of Holly on your arm? No, it doesn't matter. I love this guessing game that Ashley's playing. Her name's Holly. No, I know. I was actually going to be a Holly if I was a girl.

Fun fact, right, Mom? Were you born in that year? What? I can do that. She's right there. We have her mic'd up and everything. Holly Hinchcliffe. Holly Hinchcliffe.

I'm pretty sure I would have beaten Ronda Rousey two weeks ago. That's destiny right there. Holly Holmfeld in for the double H. Oh, that's cool. I never even thought of that. They can do the thing. They can call Holly home double H. She should go by that. What? What are you guys... This fucking little muttering group up here? We got this fucking little group...

Yeah, this is the guy that's... I keep spilling every time someone says they don't gook coke. Yeah, we get it. Geo came back in and shaved his beard a little lower. If you want black dick later, I can turn off the lights. And what? Buy a dildo before here? Are you taking in the samurai sword? Just the pumpkin? Just the scoop.

Just a pumpkin? Tulsa's Google. Okay, Holly, so fun. I love your style. You have a great energy. I loved everything that you did on stage. And you sold it all well. You're totally fun. And I'm glad to have gotten the chance to meet you. Well, thank you. This is great. Great thing. Don't slow down. Keep doing spots. And keep working it. You're killing it. Yeah. Thank you guys. Keep it going.

We got a good story. Holly Price on Twitter, at MollyPrice13. Trust that, Holly. It's like a little black guy. I actually know a black guy named Lil' Camera. I got his next tape. Look at this live audience, just eating it up. You guys have a lot of fun. I pulled another name for you.

I pulled another name for you. I pulled another name for you. I pulled another name for you. I pulled another name for you. I pulled another name for you. I pulled another name for you. I pulled another name for you. I pulled another name for you.

I pulled another name for you. I pulled another name for you. I pulled another name for you. I pulled another name for you. I pulled another name for you. I pulled another name for you. I pulled another name for you. I pulled another name for you. I pulled another name for you. I got his next tape. Look at this live audience just eating it up. You guys have a ton of life. I pulled another name out of the bucket. The name is Joe Summers.

Joe Summers. Oh, we got our first one. We got, we got, we got, we got a band here. Right?, we got, we're banned here, right? He's not here, sorry. What?! Wow! My mom got so nervous for him, she passed out. Are you serious?

Yeah, paramedics and everything, hospital, yeah. What?! What?! Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. What?! What?! She passed out. She passed out.

She passed out. She passed out. Don't over, don't over think it, just say it. So we went out and got a bite to eat and his girlfriend passed out. Because you're so nervous? She also had a little pot crying. So that's what happened. By the way, I just noticed because I'm now watching the live stream that I never really mentioned,

this is also a special Halloween episode of the Kill Tower. We did not bring the patented black bucket with us. And I just realized that's not really standard. We're going to be like, we'll watch this a year from now and be like, why were we there for a year? There you go. So Joe Summers, are you friends with Joe? Yeah. Yeah.

Call him, put him on speakerphone. No, he's getting... Blacklisted. He's in the hospital. Blacklisted! He's no longer allowed to come to this theater. Call Joe Summers right now. Let's fucking do this shit.

You guys wanna get an update on this? Call him, put it on speaker, and hand Brian your phone, motherfucker. This is Kill Tony Live! Hey Joe, it's Tony here at Kill Tony. How's it going? Huh? Joe, it's Tony here at Kill Tony. How's it going? Huh? Joe, what's the update? Is everything okay with your girlfriend?

What? Is everything okay? Joe, it's Tony, live on Kill Tony. How's it going, buddy? You don't kill on me. Are you serious right now? But live on you. I'm not giving you an X-ray. She's getting an X-ray right now. Oh shit, it got serious, huh? Alright, Joe. Joe, you wanna do any of the jokes you were gonna say on stage tonight? Uh, I can do, uh, um, sure. Uh, sure.

Let's do it. One, two, three. Like half or something. No, we're live, Joe. Just settle down. Commit. We're gonna bring you up right now and then you do your minute. Are you ready? Put your hands together for Joe Summers. There he is. Two hours. Okay, let's go. You got it. Go, Joe.

I drove two hours to get up here. I smoked weed the whole time. I don't care. I was real irresponsible with it. I think I didn't leave enough to get home. I got into my gas money a little bit. I'm like, I'm not used to doing a best minute of comedy. I usually put my best minute into sex. And I'm not sitting in a hospital trying to tell jokes.

I mean, I mean, I'm a machine, right? But HIV, we just hope we got the same HIV dementia that Jonathan got, right? I'm not famous yet, because I would have totally crossed swords with that guy. And as far as the way I'm going to remodel my bedroom, two beds, one for sleeping, you know? I'm excited to get my stuff in there too. Joe Summers, everybody! Killing it from a hospital. Perhaps the best set so far

was done in a fucking hospital. Joe, do you have time to talk to us? Can you stay on the line for a little bit? I can. I don't know how good my signal is at the hospital. You're doing a great job, Joe. Somehow this is all working. I don't feel like it's working. My notebook's on her gurney. She didn't take my text back. Oh my gosh.

Joe, this is fucking epic. You're absolutely murdering right now. Oh my gosh. I don't feel like it. Let's see. You know what? I learn new things all the time. Wait, wait, wait.

Joe, we're not doing jokes anymore. We're not doing jokes anymore. Stop doing jokes. We're just going... Joe, Joe, Joe. Stick with me. Can you hear me? I can hear you. Okay. My girl is coming out of the expert room right now. Oh, do we have to let you go?

No, I don't know. I don't know. I've never seen you before. Will you say that again. She would apologize before she had a quarrel. She wasn't done fading because she knew it was a big night. Aw.

Well, look how it turned out. I guess I can sort of feel that energy. So I just said, let's fucking call them up. I got pulled over by the cops on the way up here. So then we got the paramedics for her and this is just a perfect day.

Wow, that's incredible. I'll be sitting by there at 10 o'clock when she gets out of here. Yeah, yeah, definitely. Come to the comedy show. Come to the comedy show. Yeah, yeah. Whenever she gets out, no matter what the diagnosis, come straight up. All right, bye.

Joe Summers, everybody. Thanks for watching. Bye. I love that shit. Wow. Your friends threw you under the bus, Joe. Fuck yeah. How about that?

Set of the night live. Yes! Got pulled over. I love it. I pulled another name out of the bucket. Over. Fuck yeah. I love this guy wearing his best sweatpants.

I love this guy wearing his best sweatpants. I love it. This looks like a fake name, but I'm going to say it anyway and hope somebody walks up here. How about John Dick Winters? Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! I really love a secret. That's my given name. That's what someone thought was a good idea 30 years ago in a hospital.

I spent a lot of time on Craigslist, if you're not what you're thinking. I'm always looking for odd jobs, always looking for a little extra money, and there's great opportunities in Craigslist. I found this affluent couple looking for someone to house sit and dog sit for them while they're away on vacation, and they hired me. They hired me. It was a phone interview, obviously. I didn't even sit down with this rich couple, and after 20 minutes of the couple are over, they're like, oh yeah, let's let the hipster ogre hang out at our house unsupervised for a week. That sounds perfect. It was a film interview. I'm not sure if anyone here has ever had the pleasure of house-sitting before,

but house-sitting is very similar. It's extremely similar to having complete strangers give you money to masturbate in every room of the house. It is good work if you can get it. Oh my god.

It's like looking through wedding pictures like, oh, she looks good. Get more than that. Go to the kids room, whatever, I don't know. Fuck yeah. John Dick Winters coming in strong. I love that. Fucking awesome, man. You're like a real comedian out here, huh? Sometimes. I worked with Aaron Kleiber before.

That's funny, too. Wait, me? Aaron Kleiber? Aaron Kleiber, by the way, who's right here, is like the Frank Sinatra of the Pittsburgh Comedy Series. He really is. You're wrong about the relevance? It's not. Well, okay. Maybe I'm Frank Sinatra Jr. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,essive Dick Winters? No, no, I just repeated it just how it's spelled.

John Dick Winters. I thought you had the rest of the job. You look like you could be in Game of Thrones and Fargo. And you should be in one of them. Or just make your own thing. Okay. This fucking shiny motherfucker. Can we have a pacifier for this giant baby that's in the front that just keeps talking all night?

It's a live podcast, sir. I promise you, you're not a guest tonight. I don't know how many drinks you've had, but you're still not on the show. How many bags of Coke? Yeah, and he's not even on Coke! Can we send this guy to the hospital to get Judge Summers here? Have you seen his pupils? Yeah, I don't know. Alright, enough of the Coke tonight, everybody.

Can we just, like... I need some Coke. While there's Coke talk, I want to do some Coke. Come on, can we have some Coke? You got me? Alright, you got me coke tonight everybody. Can we just like... I need some coke. All this coke talk, I wanna do some coke. Come on. You got me? You got me? Oh my god. You know Molly fans? Do I? Yeah. Molly's a drug. There you go. Fuck yeah, you're ecstasy fans as well. Hell yeah.

Make some noise for sadness. Fuck yeah. I love it. I don't know what Molly is. I have no idea. I've been out of the drug game a long time. You don't even know what Molly is? I don't even know what it is. It's the best time I've ever had. I know that song. That's it.

I thought it was like just... Did it just say Molly? The Miley Cyrus song? Molly, Molly, Miley Cyrus. Molly, Molly, Molly, that's a song. I thought it was about some girl he was obsessed with. Molly, Molly, Molly, Molly, this guy's a fucking creep. Alright guys, again, just a huge tangent there.

John Dick Winters, this is going to stand up for you. What do you do for work? I'm a cook. Oh, really? What are you cooking? Uh, horrible food in a place that doesn't matter. It gives me money, I get to leave. I love that. Is it like a chain restaurant? No, it's a little bistro thing in a rich... I cook food for rich Jews.

Wow! Fuck yeah! I'm a little part of the room. You're a rich Jew fan in the audience. Woo! We hate Jews! Y'all know we're Jews! Rich Jews in Pittsburgh. I don't know if there's another kind of Jew in Pittsburgh. That's the only kind of Jew we have here.

No, those are the only kinds of Jews anywhere. They're not known for their, you know, hornets. Yeah, there know, cornice. There's no bus Jews. Uh-uh. So, that is your real name, John Dick Winters? John Richard Winters. Holy shit. That is unbelievable. When you said, I think this is a fake name, I started getting up and walking. That's so great. Do you have kids or anything? I have two kids, yeah. Ah, okay. I think you thought it was fake because you followed Joe Summers.

John Winters. Oh, yeah. Whoa, Jesus. Look at Lashley Barnwell. You gotta keep an eye on her. Look at that. Do you think someone played the lamest prank of all time?

Because that's what you think happened? Oh, Joe Summers! I've got something for him that'll blow him away! Samantha Pookie Summer, to the stage! I was trying to get over Joe Summers. That son of a bitch. Hey, babe. Up next, Mike Autumn, everybody. No, stay up there, stay up there. Just kidding. Hey, man. Up next, Mike Autumn, everybody. Stay up here. Stay up here. I'm just kidding.

So, you're at a restaurant. I like your style. I'm going to guess your kids are three and one. Am I right? I have a 12-year-old identical twin daughter. Holy shit. Holy shit. That is horrifying. And their last name is Winters, and they're 12. Yes. Wow, that's fucking awesometers, and they're 12. Yes.

Wow, that's fucking awesome. I bet you're like the cool dad, right? When I'm around with them, yeah. Oh, that's fun. So, like, that's interesting. Do you ever, like, what types of things do you do that's fun with them? Oh, they're 12, so they don't give a shit about hanging out with their parents anymore. They're in that phase where they just want to be on their... They like anime a lot, which is horrible.

I said, well, it's good because anime is terrible, but now they're definitely not getting laid until college. That's great. They're just fucking dorks. They just keep to themselves. But in the past we've had fun, I promise. That's amazing. Teenage girls don't want to hang out with their dad too much. You seem so funny and so comfortable behind the mic. And it's interesting that you've only been doing this four years.

Why do you think it took you so long to give it a shot? The kids, huh? Well, number one, how old do you think I am? Number two, I'm only 32. I mean, I'm not like 40 or anything. That's a weird clap, idiot. No, it was terrifying. See, it was terrifying.

It's a terrifying thing to try to do. You just fail. That's all comedy is, is failing. It's true. I love that. But how much did you fail before you got to this point? A lot. Just constantly. As always. I was like this fucking guy right here.

All the time. People didn't want me around. They hated me. My buddy that was wearing sweatpants was like, I don't even fucking know you anymore. I know. Please don't encourage him. No, I... yeah. It's not. I was never like you. Ever. Ever. Ever.

Always been better than you. Anyway, uh... Thanks for putting me on the right path, Sean. John Bingari-Ollins? There you go. This is Chris LeShayre. He will even eat . Nope. Small, I think. Nope. Those are poor people areolas. I like mine stretched.

I didn't buy them at Walmart. They have them at home. They're poor people. Oh, as in Pittsburgh, yeah, right? Areist stretching and bleaching and dying, you know? No. It's coming, guys. Get ready. I want to see what I should aspire to. What do your aerials look like? They're dark and brown. That's what you say behind the t-shirt and the microphone. Get your titties out! Get your titties out!

Get the titties out! Get the titties out! You know, only special people get to see them then. Yeah, stick short bus special people in the street with helmets. John, what type of pussy you been getting laid a lot? A little bit. Really? What's going on? You're one of the waitresses at the Bistro, huh? It's like fucking Beauty and the Bistro. Wait, I'm the Beast? Is that what you're saying?

I made it up. I made it up about the Bistro. I've been sitting on it since you said Bistro. Since you asked. I'm a single man. I'm living the hip life. getting laid for all these great comedy gigs I don't have. Fuck yeah. I could probably have sex with that guy's cousin, probably. After he's done, I guess. Spill it, baby. That's enough. This has become the roast of the annoying guy. Throw a knee.

I bet you are. You don't have a choice. Don't speak again, by the way. No responding, my dears. Sit there quiet. No words out of your mouth. You either laugh or you don't laugh. So, John, fuck, you're so fucking funny. You're like in the zone. You're so cozy. What are you, are you planning on, you love Pittsburgh, is that a thing? Or are you waiting for these 12 year olds to get old enough for you to try to run the fuck away? Oh, there, no. My leaving the city is not contingent on my daughters. They're fine. They're doing great. No, I wanna go. I wanna go at some point.

I wanna go live in a van. I to go live in a van and tour everywhere. Great. AeroStream. Silver Boy. And you look like the kind of guy that would live in a van. I'm the kind of guy who has lived in a van. Yeah. Exactly. Well, John, I highly encourage

you to do that. Get the fuck out of Pittsburgh. You're so funny, so cool. And, you know, you clearly have the chops of somebody that's been doing this for a Pittsburgh. You're so funny, so cool. And you clearly have the chops of somebody that's been doing this a while. Anything else for John Dick Winters? No. I know John. I like him. I just like saying that. John Dick Winters.

It's so cool. It's fucking incredible. That's what your funny is. And again, John, so much fun to meet you. You crushed it. There you go. He's on Twitter.

John Dick Winters, everybody. All the words. Fuck yeah. Let's shake hands. John Dick Winters. I love it. John Dick Winters. That was my name.

It's like straight out of a Western or something. John Dick Winters. That was my name. It's like straight out of a western or something. John Dick Winters? John Dick Winters. Like the late Jonathan Winters? Yes, like the late Jonathan Winters. Jonathan Richard Winters? Yes, like it all. I pulled another name out of the bucket, guys.

Ready for it? Ready for it? Brandon Schell. What's going on, RK Comedy Theater? Let's get right into it. I did the online dating. Anybody ever do the online dating? I went on one of these Tinder dates once. The girl said to me, I would never consider sleeping with you unless you lost like 70 pounds. Fucked up, right? I knew it would never happen because I would never see a scenario in which I'm going to like her more than I like cake. She's like, you want to go on a date with me or you want to slice it as German chocolate with the coconut shavings right on top? I'm going to take the

latter 10 out of 10 pounds. She said, maybe it's just me. I like to think a bigger dude is a better lover. Ladies? No? I'm gonna explain anyway. Look at how these guys are in shape. While they're busy doing push-ups and eating kale and shit, I'll sit in my room jacking off eating pudding out of a cup without a spoon. Do you know that kind of tongue-straining, coordination pace to get the last bit of pudding out of the bottom of a snack pack?

And you think that hasn't translated to something? Get the fuck out of here. I'm just saying, you can't eat good pussy and eat quinoa. That's just not how it works, guys. I'm Brandon Schell. Thanks, guys, a lot. Yeah. Fuck yeah. John Dick Winters, ladies and gentlemen. John Dick Winters. He was so good, we had him take off his jacket, switch hats behind the curtain, and come back out again. It's not the first time we've been with you.

I bet. I love that, dude. That was the best set of the night that wasn't straight from a hospital. So fun. Brandon Schell is twins away from being gothy smurf. John Dick Winters. I love that. Brandon Schell, which seems like the station that you work at for a living. I actually work at a bank. You can believe it. People let me handle their finances.

Really? How do you mean a decent wage? Yeah, wait, what? You put on a ski mask and you get a I think the beer is pretty It gave me a lot of money. Only 30 seconds of out. I think the beer is pretty soft. It made me a lot of money. Only 30 seconds of work.

I'm in and out of this bank in no time. My cousin drives me to work every day. In a different stolen car. Nor such. Great show. Fuck yeah. Born and raised here in Pittsburgh? Yes, sir.

What do you like to do for fun around here? I get high and play this game. It's cool. Get high. That's against. Straight to the substance. First actual hobby second. That's the only thing that helped me develop a personality for my teenage years, man, was being high around strangers. Yeah. Yeah.

Being high around strangers, yeah. That's how you decided to go, I think I can make people laugh sometimes. Yeah. Fuck yeah you can. Crazy bastard. How long have you been doing stand-up? About two years. Nice. Damn. Aaron? Oh no, go ahead. I tried to go back but I guess it was too late. Brandon, I like your style. So what are you doing for this bank? I work in fraud resolution. So you might be able to help us out.

I mean, so people have disputes that are never covered. Like, I didn't go to Walmart in Arizona. I give them their money back. He goes undercover to the people that forged checks. I know every one of them that would steal a check. Like, no, no, I'm one of you. How did you do it? Gotcha!

I love that. Brandon, so what else is happening? You get stoned, you play video games. What's your game of choice? I like playing the sports games, like NHL 16. That's my main one right now. Wow. I love being on little seven-year-old Russian games. Have you ever thought about putting on a pair of ice

skates and going to an actual hockey game? I grew up in the actual city. I didn't have enough money to buy ice skates, man. We played on a concrete lot that was also a church parking lot. That's where I played hockey. So you put rollerblades on? No, we played on feet. Couldn't afford skates. Wow. Couldn't afford skates. Plastic ball and myelistics. I can hear my mom bawling from the back row. Jesus Christ, bawling. Somebody should help him out to the show. That would be fun.

Do you have a girl that works for Dick's Sports? Holly tries to hook me up. That'd be cool. Also, Joe's Make-A-Wish tonight. Yeah, I believe ice skates are one of the things she sells. So, up there with board shorts. Have you ever worn board shorts before? No, I wear usually jeans or basketball shorts because it's about the only things I'm comfortable with. Dicky shorts? Thicky shorts? Come on.

I had that big pair of Jean Paul Wall shorts for a while there. Those Janko jeans? Yeah, dude. He looks like a Janko jeans in high school kid. I rocked Air Force's Janko jeans, dude. Definitely. To say those jeans would be baggy. I mean, that'd be a huge understatement. Those are some giant fucking jeans.

I'm a large man, dude. I love it. No, it's true. I understand. You're a real manly man. You have like a pickup truck, right? I actually do, yeah. Yeah, no, I know.

I'm one of those ones that are lifted and I don't listen to country music. All right, I mean. My grandma gave me my truck and I don't listen to country music. Alright, I mean... My grandma gave me my truck, actually. I get it, I get it. All truck owners are on the defensive like that. I gotta make sure I'm not grouped in with that stereotype. Right, so what is it? No country music, and what was the first thing you said? Uh, I don't remember. I'm hiring now.

It's not lifted. It's not lifted. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, of course it's not. No, I never would have guessed that. I couldn't afford that. But, so, what color is your truck? Red. I was going to guess that.

I said it. And so you go, and you pull into a bank with that truck, looking like that. I do. This is actually the exact outfit I wore to work today, minus the hat. Are you serious? I watched three episodes of Dexter. This is actually the exact outfit I wore to work today. Mine's the hat. Are you serious? I watched three episodes of Dexter while I was there. What is this? Just so that I know what bank not to be with. What bank

is it? I can't say that. Yeah, you can't say the bank. I still work there, man. They still sign my checks. They're going to tell I get stoned before I go into work. I can't tell them that. Is this bank in an Impala? It's actually in the back alley down East Ohio Street.

So clearly you're part of the call service. Exactly. I don't talk to customers at all. They leave me 11 handy cases and I work them. Wow, look at that. I ain't gonna have a day job and this is more than likely not gonna work out. Where'd you go to school at? I went to Point Park for a semester and then dropped out. And you used weight and with all of this, I mean, with the look, with that, those credentials, you're working for a bank.

Yeah, why did I go to college? I tell people that every time. I'm like, you owe like $80,000 and I just got a hookup from somebody who knew me. That's how I got my job. They're like, we're looking for people. I'll vouch for you. I've been here for 15 years. You don't think comedy is,

you're going to make it in comedy. I mean, some of those things were like, I'm going to try my hand at this. You're really good. The problem is you live here. If you really want to make it in comedy, if you were to come to the the audience too by the way, you guys should all get the fuck out of here.

I know nobody comes here and tells you this off and you think, oh, this is safe, I know where everything is. Get the fuck out. As fast as you can. If I moved to New York or LA, I'm not going to be able to go to my parents' house and eat their food for free. Oh, wow, wow, wow. Buy up those pudding snacks.

Exactly. I'll defend Pittsburgh for a minute. Yeah, I've wow, wow. Buy up those pudding snacks. Exactly. I'll defend Pittsburgh for a minute. Yeah, I've heard it has a good show. I want to defend Pittsburgh for a minute. Oh, here we go. Somebody has a show here next week to promote. I just want to tell you, you're the best comedy fans in the world, and next Wednesday, 8 o'clock, my show, right here. No, it's a good place to start, but you do gotta go somewhere if you wanna do something.

Absolutely. There's great comedy here. That's what I'm saying. Yeah, yeah. No, you start here, but you gotta get the fuck out of here if you wanna make it.

Yeah. Because you will never make it here. Like, that would be impossible. You gotta put on your rollerblades and get the fuck out. I'm just waiting for one of my friends to move

to New York so I have somewhere to live when I go out there. Well, don't go to New York. Go to LA. You want better weather. You've been tortured enough. Get the fuck out of here. We're going back and wearing shorts to do the Kill Tony Monday. We're not really wearing shorts.

The more layers I put on, the more of an illusion I get that I'm actually in shape. That's the big thing here. Put on a big coffee cut and be like, oh, he could be too big. You're not fooling anyone. Which is not happening. Oh, I didn't even realize you were fat. I just wanted to realize. Brandon, what's your favorite thing to do for fun? When you sneak out and you go do something crazy.

Like, what's the craziest thing about you? Oh, craziest thing about me. I really don't get into a whole lot of trouble, man. I just, man. Okay, what's the craziest type of porn that you look at? I like the step-daughter, step-mom, step-son stuff. So, we just had one on Monday. My girl was into step-dads. We need to introduce you to that girl. I'm gonna ask my girlfriend in the lobby would appreciate that, but whatever. Keep me locked into it. Don't break in the lobby would appreciate that, but whatever. Keep the options open. Fuck yeah.

So, stepdaughter porn. What do you think it is about stepdaughter porn that you like so much? I have no idea. Not completely the daughter, but it's... It's more or less that I just turned it on and my dick was like, this is something you enjoy. Can I take a picture? I can't let you take my body. You guys are quite from Molly and Old and Old Jews just passed by as well.

I'm finding out more about this guy in the middle of the room. I love it. Interesting dude. Yeah, he just applauds for stuff that he likes. Catch up, catch up. I'm lonely. It's that little sliver of West Virginia that you have to drive through on the way from Ohio. So you're giving us nothing?

You're saying you don't do anything fun? As of my mid-20s, man, I've just been trying to do stand-up and I'm taking naps and getting high. That's really it, man. It sounds like you're getting high a lot. A lot. Eric and I are completely vouched for that. I've never seen him that high. I'm actually good right now. Well, you were so fun, so fun to meet you. Thanks for coming on the show.

I appreciate it. Brandon Schell, everybody. Who's on Twitter? BrandonJSchell. Let's fucking do this. What are we dealing with? We've got a couple names left, so let's just get through those, shall we? How about that? How about Shannon Norman, everyone?

Come on. Come on, guys. Thank you for having me. Stick with me. I'm showing. Yeah, I was expecting a woman, too. Hi. Hi. I got expecting a woman too. Hi. I got a lot of tattoos.

Anybody else here got tattoos? Yeah? People come up to me all the time and they go like, Hey man, what do your tattoos mean? Do they tell a story? They do. They do, guy right here. They do.

Here's the story. Every tattoo I have tells a story about a very specific time in my life where I had some money. That's it! You give me a tax return ten years ago, I don't get my rotten tooth fixed, I don't get a 401k, whatever that is. No, this is what I did ten years ago with a tax return. And you know what? If I'd have known Little Caesars would have pizzas ready for me before I even opened the goddamn door, I would have got it in a bigger font.

That was a minute. It was 47 seconds. That's a Pittsburgh minute. I like that. I love it. There you go. Hell yeah. Make some noise, Shannon. Fuck yeah. Make some noise, Shannon. I always look forward to seeing Shannon like what I could have been without meeting my wife and having kids.

Yeah, we're polar opposites. He's into Jesus and being married and I don't wear condoms and I do drugs. Well, you don't wear condoms either so I guess we have that in common. Yeah, we do have something in common. We do not pull out.

It's got a nice... It's interesting stuff. I love this. Is that a goat noise? No, that was the sheep of... That doesn't get pulled out of? Shannon, how do you... You're talking about not wearing condoms. I don't know.

You refuse to. No, I tell you, it's not like a religious thing. It's more of a scumbag thing. You get a lot of action? I have way more sex than someone with my personality and tits should. Well, how do you do it? What's your secret? I don't know.

Let's not think about it too hard. Actually, I do want to think about it hard. I'm currently dating a woman a decade my junior. I'm 34, by the way. Don't, that's not, I mean, I look like I'm 45. Wait, you just said 41? 35? I'm 34.

34. We're all throwing numbers around. Enough about your just say? What? 35? I'm 34. 34. We're all throwing numbers around. Enough about your waist size. Yeah. That's actually too small. That's an easy 32. 45. That's an easy 30.

Ah! So, Shannon. Yes? What do you do for work? Uh, I... Oh, what are you, an opera singer? I'll show you what I do for work. Oh!

I don't ever talk about it. I run a sheltered workshop to teach mentally challenged adults job skills. Oh, I see where you're getting the pussy from. You know what I'm saying? But yeah. There are one jobies. It's a blow job, bitch. Nice and down. No conduct for you, but you don't know the difference, you dumb idiot.

I'm Shane Paul. No condom for you, but you don't know the difference, you dumb idiot! I'm sham-paw. How terrible! We're having fun. It's a Friday night dance. That looks... So Ben's just gonna go crazy with it. I love that. That's so cool that you do something like that. Yeah, the money's okay.

That's awesome, man. I love that. I actually have one of my best friends back home who works with people with special needs. And he's sort of like how I picture you, like totally the guy that I would never trust with my,

you know, if I had a special kid. But, like, you know, it's just sort of like, it's funny how you can't judge a book by its cover. And, you know, I had a special kid. But, like, you know, it's just sort of like it's funny how you can't judge a book by its cover. And, you know, those kids can't judge a book anyway. So, yeah, I'm making fun of slow people right now. Those are the types of chances that I'll take for you. Anyway, Shannon, so you help these special people get jobs, right? Uh, I just run the vocational part. We like teach them skills. Like, hey, put this in there.

That's great. Put this, don't, don't, uh, yeah, what was that? Uh, yeah, you know, whatever. Put this pot in that rolling paper and, uh, you get an A. Uh, show me what it's, the, the pumpkin. Show me what it said to the pumpkin. Show us what it did to the pumpkin. It's all like, I mean, it's all, like, labeling mail and stuff. It's all piecework. Kissing the pumpkin.

Well, that's cool. Oh, there's one of the kids right now. Where is this guy? Wow, that's so cool. So, like, of the... Did you ever have a really smart one, like a Stephen Hawking or anything like that? You're like, this kid's not even special. He's like genius. No, no, they're all fucked up.

That's so funny. They're all really into wrestling. I'm the exact same way. Just like Uncle Shannon. The day job is like the night job hanging out with comedians because all they want to do is talk about wrestling too. I love that.

So it's like fucking retarded people all day. I feel really bad that I did that. It's transgender. Don't feel bad. Give that guy a newspaper. Red Dead needs code. This is a safe place. So Shannon, that's interesting.

How long have you been on stand-up? How long have you been doing stand-up, Aaron? Because it's almost the exact same amount of time. Almost seven. No, it's less than that. I don't know, five? Five years, I think? Seems like it. Funny as hell. What else? What do you do for fun?

I go to thrift stores. Oh, I like that. I'm into that. Any cool buys lately? A couple of Elvis Costello records and board games. I collect board games. You ever seen Elvis Costello live? Yeah, I saw him open for Bob Dylan at Pitt five years ago.

Wow, he opened for Bob Dylan? Yeah, it was just him and Bob Dylan at Pitt five years ago. Wow. He opened for Bob Dylan? Yeah, it was just him and an acoustic guitar. That's amazing. And then Bob Dylan with his fucking electric keyboard now. Yeah, but Bob Dylan, he sounds like Sylvester Stallone does now, you know what I mean? Old time party in my home. He was a lot harder.

He just started the keyboard. He was like a-broker. He just stood at the keyboard. He was like a broken animatronic in the Hall of Presidents at Disney World. He just played that, and it was like, and that's, like, the whole time. Yeah. Elvis Costello was moving around. He didn't even use a microphone at one point.

Yeah, just yelling. Yeah. Fuck yeah. I feel like we could have done this podcast without microphones. Since I can hear my mom breathing right now. I always tell my mom

whenever she comes to shows, you have to sit all the way in the back because you're too loud. And I didn't realize that the back is like six feet away. It's a very wide room. Fuck yeah. Shannon. So fun. Oh, you gotta love it when you can hear people almost shit their pants. That's the... No one comes out of that bathroom and they're really shit.

Like, you don't close the door like that unless those pants are coming down right afterwards, right? That person is exploding right now. Sometimes when you mix fucking jokes about special people, it looks for a few. All right, guys. So, Shannon, what else? I want to talk to you more, but I can't figure out what about. Yeah, I mean, there's not much else. It's, yeah, the day job. Do you ever have blood in your stool? No! That's definitely not what I wanted to talk about.

I did, not to make this a very drug-centered thing, but last weekend I did buy a bag of cocaine from a man holding a baby. Wow! Was it black, white? The coke was white. Was that what you mean? No. Oh, white. The coke was white. Is that what you mean? No.

White guy with a black baby. Where did he steal that baby from? Well, the white guy... Shannon. What else? When's the last time you got... Let's figure out how you get laid so much. Because you seem pretty aggressive with like

I can't believe how much fucking pussy I get. Yeah, am I right? Bros? Ladies? Last time you got laid, what happened? Last night. Oh my God. I got Thanksgiving sex.

Really? I didn't think that was a thing. He's got a young girlfriend. Oh, you do? Yeah. And you know what? We were watching an episode of Frasier when we did it. Wow.

Because I'm currently watching Frasier on Netflix. Why? That shows your age. See, what's crazy is... Why are you clapping for Frasier? Why not? This guy likes a well-written joke about Pinot Noir. It's interesting that you would have sex while watching Frasier.

Yeah, I don't know how you get a boner while watching Frasier. And by the way, I only watch Frasier while wearing a condom. Yeah. I currently, my goals this year are to move out of Pittsburgh and get a vasectomy first. Get a vasectomy. I want to get a vasectomy. You almost should get your order right on that. It seems like you're a little bit confused.

I'm more excited about it. You might accidentally get the vasectomy second. Like, god damn it, I blew it. I want to get out of Pittsburgh and get the vasectomy first. I like that. I want a doctor I can trust. I love that. How are you going to find that here?

My parents are going to do it. Oh, I love that. Here on this stage. We're going to find that here? My parents are going to do it. Here on this stage. We're going to do it. Tickets available. Guys, I know that a room just opened up in the local hospital. So I think I'm going to take it back. There he goes, everybody. Shannon Norman.

He's on here. S-H-A-N-N-E-Z. Shambones. Yeah, shabbos. Shambones. Shabbos. Shambones. With an M? S-H-A-M-B-O-N-E-Z? Shambones! Fuck yeah, Shabba. Shabba. Shabba. Shambones. With an M? S-H-A-M-B-O-N-E-Z. Yeah, Shambones. We have one name left.

You guys ready to do this shit or what? Fuck yeah. Look out, we got fuckin' tons of anarchy walking through. Fuck yeah. Tons of anarchy walking through right now. I love it. Fuck yeah. This guy, get back and run his grocer.

Somebody's still taking that shit. It's whoever's in the ladies room is taking a massive shit ride. First of all, the door. It's still over there. Okay, fine. Just making sure my non's don't drop it. Dropping it off over there. I saw your mom's sauce!

They don't know about the sauce, though. They're doing inside jokes on a live show right now. Unbelievable stuff. I pulled another name out of the bucket. It's the final name of the night. You guys ready to meet him? It's Ed Bailey. Here we go.

Thank you. It's Ed Bailey. Here we go. We're up in a black neighborhood, which means I didn't watch the Weather Channel growing up. So we would just look out the window, see what other people were wearing, and wear similar things. I recently moved to a white neighborhood and realized that that is no longer a possibility because young white dudes wear something from every season, every day. I swear to God, I just looked out the window and saw a white dude in a North Face winter coat, swim trunks, and old navy flip flops. What the hell are you preparing for? It's like the white dress code is quick store run. I don't know, it's weird. Try to watch the Weather Channel, realize it's a waste of time in the wintertime,

because they just talk around the weather. Dude gets on the screen, he's like, Alright, there's a cold front on the East Coast, the temperature's gonna be 4 degrees, but with the wind chill, it's gonna be a negative 7. And I'm like, what the hell is the 4, you know what I mean? But wind chill, that could be a cool way to live life, right? So, Matt, you could pick up chicks with that, you just walk up to them at a bar, use your sexy voice and say,

Hey, baby, it's 4 inches, but it feels like seven. Please, it is not seven. Ted Bailey, the first of the night to stick his fucking landing like a pro. You're a monster, dude. So fun. That baby's a funny guy. Yeah, I can fucking tell. You're five, six years? Three.

Wow. Really? I can tell when he thought about it. I threw him off with my high projection. No, three years with swagger equals up to six years. A little bit of swagger on that side. I saw Ed the first time do comedy, and he so good and I was like where you from he said oh from Cleveland I was like how long did you stand up there he's like I did not I've been

doing it two weeks and I was like get the fuck out of here I love it there's a girl we know that you can fuck the shit out of he was he was he was out in the lobby for a while and there's a pinball machine out there. She's coming in through the bathroom right now. That's why Holly's in the bathroom. I love it. Another Browns fan here? Yeah.

You like it? You don't boo them out? Yeah, but don't... You don't want to hang out with me. Okay. Ed, you are funny as fuck. What's keeping you in Pittsburgh? Yeah. I have a child now. That's right.

That seems to be the old thing here. It's a secret. It sure is. Well, it looks like I can't do anything now. That sucks, Dad. But you love your kid, right? How old is your kid? She's two.

I almost said one. That sucks. She's two. She's two. And she's here in Pittsburgh. She is. I love that. What's the plan? You just kill it all the time here in Pittsburgh.

You're the first black person I've seen since being in Pittsburgh. It looks like you have the market cornered. Pretty much me and two other guys are fighting over it. I love that. And those other two guys are stealers. Eventually get out of here. Pretty much me and two other guys were fighting over it. I love that. And those other two guys were stealers, so...

So eventually get out of here. You know, when you got a kid, it's about setting up right. Can't just go. I don't have the freedom to just go and just be there. Right. Unless you make the kid a star. You could like, you know... That's true. You could be one of those TV guys.

No, she's not going to be bigger than me. No. I love her. I love her. I pay half of the know. That's true. You could be one of those TV guys. She's not going to be bigger than me. No. I love her. Pay half of the rent. I love her. Does she have a cool black name? Her name's Kai, so I don't know where that's from. That's a really cool black name.

That's a cute name. Is that a black name? I don't know. I don't know. I've never seen a Kai. I've only seen Kai eggs. It is now. Kai.

Kai. Kai. Wow. You spelled it right. Yeah, that's cool. What's up? No, I got it. Fuck yeah, that's fun.

So, are you still with Baby Mama? Yeah, yeah. I love that. Well, that's great. I don't get to call her Baby Mama yet. We gotta break up first. Oh, I see. I don't know how that works, that part.

We move to L.A. We move to L.A., you do comedy, you break up with her, and you got a baby mama. I love that. Now that's his woman. Yeah, that's my lady. That's old negro. That's your queen. That's old negro talk. That's my lady. Say queen?

I don't say queen yet. I'll be 48 to say queen. No, my black friends are like, my queen. I was like, oh shit, don't let my wife do that. I'm like, oh my wife? Wait a little bit. I looked at Rick Ross' Instagram the other day, and I saw a lot of the Instagram posts that he had the most recent one when I clicked on it. It was just him with a phone up to his ear looking out a window, and he goes, the whole world stops when she calls. And I thought to myself, wow, that's some real gangster shit. Especially if someone was in the room taking a picture of him on the phone. I always envisioned my life to be dudes taking pictures of me in my hotel room. It's blatantly not a selfie because you can see the phone in hand. And, uh, fuck yeah.

Rosé. So, anyway, what else? I love that. What's it like having a two-year-old? What changed? What changed in my life? Well, I make excuses to be out, so that's no... So everything's pretty much the same. Material?

Material. Yeah, well, yeah. Material. Material, you do talk about your daughter more. But no, I just make more excuses to get out of the house. That's pretty much what I do now. Absolutely. I love that.

Well, I love your joke. I love the Weather Channel thing. That's pretty much what I do now. Absolutely. I love that. I loved your joke. I love the Weather Channel thing. It's just great. You're so comfortable on stage. Like two years, like that's amazing. We have to see so many comics every week at Kill Tony in Los Angeles. And usually when you hear a two-year, it's not even close to how great you were on stage tonight. And like most of the people tonight.

A couple of real natural things. I think Aaron Kleber is like yeah he's the hitler of uh the pittsburgh comedy scene i mean i'm all german but no i don't want to be bad yeah it's all in how you say your name if you're white it's aaron kleber and if you're german it's it's yeah oh it's cliver yeah it. Oh, it's cliver. Yeah, it feels like it. It's nasty. I love you, you and the glorious bastards. When you say, like, cliver, it's like I'm loading a train.

It doesn't make me feel good. Ed Bailey. So, what do you do for fun? You have a two-year-old now. You ever sneak out, do anything crazy? I go to a lot of breweries and drink. Oh, that's fun.

That's very fun. That's fun. You like beer? I come home drunk and play weird games with my daughter. That's right. Weird games like clean up your dad's throw up and... Let's play show daddy the toilet. Yeah.

So you just moved to a new neighborhood? You just moved to a new neighborhood, you said? No, I made that up for the joke. I don't live in an all-white neighborhood. It's not going to work. You just moved to a new neighborhood, you said? No, I made that up for the joke. I don't live in an old white neighborhood. It's not gonna work. I tried. And you are so so fucking cool and so so funny. Whenever you're ready, get the fuck out of Pittsburgh. That's how you know you're good, is if we told you to get the fuck out of Pittsburgh.

Alright. What the fuck are you talking about, you dude? You fucking maroon? You bag of fucking dog shit garbage? What are you saying right now? What the fuck is coming out of your face? What? Say it again, motherfucker. Repeat it. I said here we go, here in the five minutes. They're open for you. I'm curious.

You fucking goof. Anyway. Shut up. Shut up. That's a real dedicated fan right there. Is Joe Summers here? Joe Summers, are you here? No, we can call him. Call him in. There goes Ed Bailey, everybody. Ed Bailey and Ed Bailey. Hey, do you need an outro for a little bit?

Okay, right? Okay. Okay. Here we are. Here we are. No Joe Summers. We're going to call Joe Summers before ending the night. We're going to see where he is. Get an update from Joe.

Put him on speaker. Hand the phone over. Let's do it. Don't fucking broker the deal, dude. Hand over the fucking phone. Here we are. Hello. Your friend's gone. We killed him.

It's Tony again. How are you? I'm great. Let's go to the fucking phone. Here we are, hello, your friend's gone, we killed him. It's Tony again, how are you? Um, great. Ooh, sounds like we got a rough diagnosis, huh? A Flo, the nurse in the very nice. Oh no, that's her name, Flo? What are you, a progressive commercial right now? Heavy Flo.

Um, no, I didn't say slow. Oh, you still at the hospital? Yeah, I have the show going. Fucking killer, man. It's been unbelievable. You missed like one of the best hour and a half's of pure thunderous comedy ever. But, you'll be able to watch it when it's loaded up to the internet. And you're also on it, which is sort of crazy. That's cool.

Joe, what do you think's happening there right now? How pissed are you? When do you think you're going to be out of there? They said an hour from when they take blood, and that was about 20 minutes ago they took blood. So we're chilling here. Joe, I think that this update with you backfired.

Because it's really depressing. This is really no news at all. Why don't you give them some more bad news, Tony? Why did they take x-rays? Tony, let's give them some more bad news. I've never seen anybody get x-rays for a pot brownie before. Did they find the pot brownie inside of her? It turns out she has been diagnosed with a pot brownie.

Um, fuck yeah. So what is she doing? Just having a panic attack basically, right? Um, no. She was locked in the restaurant. She what? She was locked in the restaurant. You what? I was locked in the restaurant. I was locked in the restaurant. Yeah, you just gotta run away from the hospital.

Give them a fake name and a fake bill. I know a guy that works in fraudulent charges. They're gonna do a video off of it. It's a panic attack. I know it's hot. Get her some water, a bottle of Gatorade, and get your asses over here for the stand-up show or something. Bye, Joe. I'm going to let you go. Anything you want to promote or anything?

I don't promote. Any party words? No. There you go. Joe Summers, everybody. That's the story of Joe. We did it. That's still Tony. How many of you might have a concept combo ticket for the second show? You guys are fucking insane.

Who do we want on the next show? That's a great question. I was thinking about that one. I was thinking about that last one. That one? No. The last one was this one. Oh yeah, that's what I agree with. Great, alright, then we both agree.

Opening up, the stand-up show that's going to start in just a little bit, it's going to be the comedy stylings of Ed Bailey. Yeah! So, that's Phil Snowdy, live from Pittsburgh. Aaron Cleaver is on Twitter. Aaron Cleaver, Ashley Barnhill, but Ashley Barnhill.

Catch them, give everything you need to do. Take a break, people, you fucking animals. Because we do stand-up comedy starting in a few minutes. Goodbye. Thank you. Good night.