KILL TONY - KILL TONY #132

Episode Date: December 15, 2015

Aaron Kleiber, Ashley Barnhill, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban - Date: 11/29/2015 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony here at DeathSquad.TV. Huge news guys, if you live in Texas, oh your holiday season just got an upgrade. Me and Tony Hinchcliffe are bringing Kill Tony to Austin and Dallas. December 26th we'll be in Austin at the Spider House Ballroom. It's going to be Kill Tony at 8pm.m., followed by a comedy show at 10.30 p.m., and whoever is the best local comic that we choose from Kill Tony gets to open up for us at the comedy show. Now, that's December 26th, the day after Christmas in Austin, but then the day after that, December 27th, we'll be in Dallas doing the same thing at Hyena's Comedy Club.

That'll be Kill Tony at 7.30 p.m. followed by a comedy show at 9.30 p.m. You can get tickets by going to DeathSquad.tv and clicking on tour dates. And don't forget, we're always, every Monday, at the Comedy Store in the Belly Room doing Kill Tony. Every Tuesday, we have the have the roast battle which is the verbal violence the very popular roast battle every tuesday night in the belly room and every friday we have the ice house comedy show and that's at the ice house in pasadena all these can be found by going to death squad.tv and clicking on tour dates the new death squad shirt is in stock and it ships this week.

If you haven't ordered Taco Cat, there's a few left. Go to shopsquad.tv for all the official Death Squad merchandise. And don't forget to go to Tony Hinchcliffe's website, TonyHinchcliffe.com, for all the news and information about the Golden Pony himself,

Tony Hinchcliffe. All right, guys. Here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony Live. Hey, this is Red Band coming to you live from Woodland, Stavron here in Columbus, Ohio for a brand new episode of

Kill Tony, Volume 3. Give it up for Tony Hinchcliffe! Yeah! Yeah, Columbus! We're in Columbus, Ohio. Make some noise, everybody! Make some noise, everybody. Are you streaming?

Yes, we're streaming. Wow. So thousands and thousands watching live on Ustream and to the tens and tens packed into this room tonight. Hello and welcome to Keltoni, everybody. It's a cold one out there. Look how bundled up everybody is. This isn't like an L.A. Monday at all. It's cold, man. I had to go to Kohl's today and get some winter clothes. Kohl's? Kohl's.

That's a word I haven't heard in 10 years. Oh, that's great. Hottest women are at Kohl's, Tony. Really? Yeah. Oh. Moms. I never would have guessed that.

Oh, you're into moms. That's my thing. I mean, as a single guy in Columbus, Ohio for the last five days, I've got an amam thing going on now, I think. We're about to ruin some marriages, I think. Look out. How many moms are in the room tonight? Make some noise. There are all the moms out here.

A lot of moms out here. A lot of moms with tough-looking guys next to them. Oh, shit, there's two little... I'm not going to take their moms. Two chicks with glasses that are in the middle. Do you have any girls with glasses right now? Sure. There you go.

This could be a Kill Tony lovemaking, matchmaking thing. I fucking love this. I love the energy here in Ohio. I feel like they're here for a baseball card auction or something like that. Not exactly. They all look like they're waiting for something. A, they all look like they're waiting for something. A lot of people look like they're just taking, like, their fishing poles are out in the river

and they just came in here to get warm for a bit. Well, maybe something bites out there, you know what I mean? I think I smell a hangover throughout this whole entire audience. And they're all on their first drink, like, please let this work. Yeah, day three of turkey fucking leftovers.

Crazy ass shit. Do you have the ham sandwich yet, or the vegetable soup with meat? Oh, there's names in the bucket. They already took care of that. Wow, it's on loose-leaf paper tonight. Fuck yeah. What did you say? Did I eat? What did I eat? Yeah.

I didn't eat Italian food all week. Did you have an Italian Thanksgiving or was it a normal Thanksgiving? I didn't have any... I eat weird, so I didn't have a normal Thanksgiving at all, but I just ate Italian food the entire time, because I don't ever get my mom's sauce on Italian, and my mom makes a specific tomato sauce that you can't even fathom. Like, no, you truly can't understand. And anyway, so I ate that and I ate at my dad's Italian restaurant last night, which

was a lot of fun. Fucking, he's Italian as fuck. So I had more Italian, I ate pasta and Italian peppers and bread. You gonna play that? I see it queued up. I'm just, I ate pasta and Italian peppers and bread. Are you going to play that? I see it queued up. I'm just milking it for you, but it's not coming up at all. There it is. Okay, yes. And then after eating the pasta, I would move on to, all right.

Guys, here we are. We're live, and this shit's crazy. Are you ready to, I love how empty this entire part is. It seems like the audience is over there. And I like how we have these stands like we're doing a presser or something like that after a football game. Yeah, what are these here for? Can we get these out of here real quick? Where's Jason at? Yeah, I don't know. Yeah. Oh, Drew's on the way. Do you remember Drew and Jason, by the way?

Yeah. Drew's on the way. Do you remember Drew and Jason, by the way? All the people from Death Squad Ohio. It's amazing how much support we have out here. All these guys are just the best people, and they're all awesome to work with. So thanks a lot, guys. We ate today at a Flipside Burger. Have you been there in Easton? Not yet. Has anyone been there before?

Oh, yeah. All Ohio beef. It's all like grass fed. Speaking of Ohio beef, look at Drew moving these mic sticks. Look at this funny guy. I love it. That's real Ohio beef right there. Look at his shy little smile. Big guy, shy heart. Look at him. Linebacker for your high school football team right there.

He's 36 and he's a junior in high school. We're so proud of him. You move those four mic stands like a senior in high school. You know what I mean? Ha ha ha. And we're off. I love it. What the fuck else do you want to do before we start this party?

Oh yeah, these six pack fucking things made by Gio Anisano in Pittsburgh, PA. Ow! One side, it's a Death Squad logo, and the other, it's a... Yeah, why'd you have that one out, man? You're always trying to promote your own network. I didn't do that shit. And then there's Kill Tony on the other side. Look at that shit.

Yeah, that's true. I'm always trying to... Let's make an analogy. Why wouldn't you promote your own network? It's quiet as fuck in here, so it's... I know, but you guys... It's quiet as fuck. I know. It's a very interesting energy in here. I think I see you in the back. Yeah, Will Moore.

How's it going, buddy? Kill Tony. Yeah. 17-year-old Thundercat. How about we just put you up last? You'll do the regular spot. Is that cool? Yeah.

You did the list. Did you sign up? I did. Okay, so if I pull you out, I'll just pull another name out instead. Yeah. You'll go up at the end. Is that cool if I pull you out, I'll just pull another name out instead. Yes. You'll go up at the end. Is that cool? Yes.

We've been building a prodigy. Three or four years ago, I was here with Doug Benson, you, and Tom Segura. We did shows. I came out on this stage. I stood right there. And that kid, Will, in the back, big, amazing kid, was sitting in the front. And I brought him on stage and roasted the dog shit out of him. Seven minutes straight. And he was laughing so hard the entire time. He was just loving getting made fun of. So we became friends and he's been doing stand-up

for three years, well more than that. And now he's 17. He's 17 and he's been doing stand-up three years every night. Do the math's... he's gonna be the Columbus rock star. He's gonna be like the fucking... uh... Alright, forget it. He's gonna be your revenge for you roasting him. He's gonna come back like this slayer, and then you're gonna be on your deathbed, and he'll be like, Oh, you got me! That doesn't make any sense. Like, you got me!

Like, if he came back and I was on my deathbed, he'd make me laugh. Well. Right? I don't know. Laughter's the best medicine. Not for AIDS. Oh!

I am AIDS, everybody. I rose to the roast of Charlie Sheen on Comedy Central what happened a few years ago, and I got backstage, and I did bum a cigarette off of Charlie Sheen. I did. I bummed his smoke.

And that's why I remember that. That was like my one moment with him backstage. Like I'm walking by and I didn't have any cigarettes

and I'm all stressed out because I'm helping everybody. And he pulls out a pack of Marlboro Lights. He pulls one out. Hey man, can I have a smoke? He goes,

fuck yeah. I lit up a cigarette. So the first thing I thought of a week ago when they said Charlie Sheen comes out he has AIDS I'm like can you get AIDS from the thumb of the fuck that gave me a cigarette? I put his thumbprint up to my lips. Motherfucker! Did you suck on his fingers when he gave it to him? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And his dick, too. So, can I get an A's for that? Yeah. Alright, guys. You're at Kill Tony where comedians and people that have always wanted to try stand-up and crazy motherfuckers sign up for the chance to do 60 Seconds. And I always have two hilarious comedians for every show, doing the show. And this week's no different. Two of the best comedians in Los Angeles. Put your hands together for Ashley Barnhill and Aaron Klyber, everyone. Ashley Barnhill and Aaron Klyber!

There they are! Live in the flesh! Yeah. Does that not play on the overriding act? There it is. Fuck yeah. All right. Hi, guys. Hello.

Hello. Big little jackpot. Yeah. Ashley Barnhill, obviously, was crab fishing today, as you can tell by her hat. How many crabs did you catch? Not a lot. Bring with me tonight. What? All of them? Is there crab fishing in Ohio? No.

It should be. It feels cold enough. It should be. Aaron Kleiber, how you doing? Actually, you live in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania? I'm from Pittsburgh, yeah. And you had crabs. Multiple times. Multiple times. And I've been married to the same woman for a while, so that's weird. Yeah, looks like she's been crab fishing with Ashley.

I'm actually okay with this. We actually did the show with these two two nights ago in Pittsburgh, sold out to the Gills Arcade Theater. It only held 17 people, but we sold it out. And here we are again. You guys ready to get this thing started? This is fucking noise. Columbus, God damn Ohio. This is where Brian and I are from. This is where Brian and I are from. We went out, we bought the Empire, and it was there.

This fucking old box of dipped chocolate chunk cookies, three ounces, is holding the gifts. That's a box of feminine napkins from the bathroom. Manufactured, no, it really is. It's chocolate chunk cookies, manufactured on September 16, 2014. So if you guys order the cookies, they're not in the box.

It's a box of names, the people that signed up. But it used to be Dipped Chocolate Chunk Cookies. So if you order the brownie, just know that the cookie that it's on was made in 2014. September of 2014. Comedians, you know how it works if you signed up for the chance to do this. September of 2014 comedians you know how it works if you signed up for the chance to do this, yeah there's people that signed up for this, they could be sitting right next to you

it could be your husband or your wife and you just don't know it, and I pull the name out of the bucket, they come up here, they do 60 seconds of stand up comedy or their attempt at it and then we all talk to them, you guys ready to get this shit started? if I pull your name out of the, Bumpy, you get 60 seconds. Meaning, you know your 60 seconds is up when you hear the sound of a kitty.

By the way, no making noises during this show. I noticed down here in the Midwest, people like jump in and they do their own fucking thing. HALLELUJAH! See what I mean? This idiot. There it is. That's stupid of you in a live show. You're not gonna get it? I just told everybody to shut the fuck up! That's why you're not gonna get an I.O., you idiot. See, I'm mean, people.

Why are you still talking? You're still talking. Do you hear yourself? Do you hear yourself? Do you hear yourself making noises in your face? Stop it. No, don't respond. No responding. What the fuck are you? See, I get the idiots out in the very beginning so the rest of the show is smooth. You guys cool with that? You can hate yourself. Not another fucking tweet from me.

What'd you just say? What? She's whispering shit in my ear. I'm talking to someone. Oh, okay. Oh, all right. I didn't notice other people. This is great so far. This show has the energy of a fucking, uh...

This fucking guy. It's a good AA meeting. It really is. Like, I feel like it's an AA meeting, but it's everybody's first day attending sobriety, and they're like, I have the best story. Yeah, my problem is the worst.

Yeah. So 60 seconds, you hear a cat And to wrap it up then, Earl's sure going to bring out The Angry West Hollywood Bear I hope the first guy is there I love how big these speakers are And meanwhile, this is the most quiet this show has ever been. There's got to be a way. Can we get the iPad up higher?

Put up my pad alone. Yeah, let's get that pad up. Let's see how high we can blast that pad. Crank that pad. Let's get this fucking pad of caridins, dude. Let's play something and figure out if we fucking have this shit. Let's go. All right, I'm going to pull the name out of a fucking box.

Look at these. These are tax returns. Oh, my God. All right, there's Will Moore. He's coming up at the end. See that? We're talking to Will Moore out of all the names he gets to pull first. You're going last.

Where's Will Moore? Will Moore's in the back. He just wants to go last. No, I. You're going last. Where's Will Moore? Will Moore's in the back. He just wants to go last? No, I said he's going last. I just said he's going last. I don't know. He probably may have wanted to go first. Will, when do you want to go up, motherfucker? Last is good. There he goes. Good story. Did you guys all do heroin without me? Because I... You were out here... I didn't pull, you were out here in your bed.

I didn't pull them out, but I'm last. Don't you pull up, maybe the person just goes? Oh, wow, you're on fire right now. You guys are on fire. We're gonna sit down and first we're gonna hear somebody do 60 seconds here. And that person's name is Joey Squid. What's up? Alright, so I think I got a drinking problem, guys.

I need to quit. I realized this the other day after my dad came up to me and he said, Son, you're a functioning alcoholic. And I said, thank you. The other day my mom called me and she told me things are pretty bad with Grandma. She's got Alzheimer's. I said, fuck! What is Alzheimer's? So I googled that shit while I was smoking a joint.

I looked at her on my phone and I said, fuck! I got Alzheimer's! I'm fucked! The other day... Alright, I just gotta be honest with you guys. I gotta get off social fucking media. Can I get an amen from anybody out there? I'm sitting at home on my futon. I'm jerking off. Fucking just about to blow my load. And guess what happens? My grandma likes some shit on Facebook.

I'm like, oh damn! Fuck yeah, Joey's a sweat. Fuck yeah, Joey's quick. Can you repeat that last part for me? The very, very last part? I'm jerking off. Just to be a bit slower for Tony, look in the eyes.

No, no, no. Not, just a joke, really. No, Joey, you're hot. See, this is what you do. We're on the fucking road, Brian. Wait a minute, there's no security? It took 35 seconds for the guy to get four mic stands off the stage. How long do you think it's gonna take to get a fucking mellow, stone-jockey deck off of you? Jiminy fucking crickets. Here's something else, Joey Squid.

Jiminy crickets! How long have you been on stand-up? Right, first time ever. I can tell. Joey Squid. Fuckin' East Cherry. How about that? How about that, you fuckin' crookies? And you all think you can do better than Joey Squid,

but you know what? Maybe you can't, motherfuckers. Joey Squid putting his heart and soul out there today. The funniest parts of everything that you said were the parts that you said were the parts that you don't even know how funny they are. Like the fact that you just slid in the fact that, you know, just joking off, I'm my futon. It's actually the futon that's the funniest part of it. You just graze over it. Nobody notices. Yeah, tell us about the futon.

Right, exactly. Do you really have a futon? Yeah, I got it from my mom. Don't, don't, don't. I bet you did. Don't get shy. What's that voice that you get there when you're like a little bit... I got it from my mom. All right, Joey, relax. Stick to the questions, all right?

You guys can all laugh at any point, by the way. This whole thing that's happening in front of you is funny. So, Joey, how long have you had a futon for? Do you sleep on it? You say you got it from your mom, so I'm guessing it's like a fucking relic of some time. Well, it was mine when I lived with my mom. And then I moved out, and she was like, gotta get rid of this futon. Because you jerk off on it a lot.

I can't wash that shit out. Now, the futon lifestyle, I had one at one point for a few months in my life. Futon life! There it is. There you go. I guess we have a sound effect for that.

Futon life. Hell yeah. I guess we have a sound effect for that. That's that food, my wife. Hell yeah. So, Joey Squid, what do you do for work? I probably shouldn't say. Oh, this is weird. Corporate gig. Okay, what is it? Sunbubble.

Brown. Brown? UPS? UPS driver? Yes. Fuck yeah. UPS guys? Waterbeds and stuff? Brown. Yeah, I must be shipping. Every time you ship a bed, you're like, these motherfuckers. I have no idea. So you're delivering UPS boxes and you're doing it off of a futon night's sleep. Oh my goodness, that's gotta be rough, huh? A little bit. A little bit. What's your favorite part of working at UPS?

None of it. Have you always wanted to do comedy or you just decided to try it out? Like, is this something you've been trying to do for a while and just never... No, I've always... I've loved comedy. And, you know, you get a little drunk, you get a little tipsy, you get a little stoned. You put your name in the basket and you say, I'm not gonna get called. And then I'm sitting there and...

At first. Did you have something, like, in your head already that you're like, If I ever do it, this is what I'm going to do. I'm going to talk about masturbating with my grandma. Which is pretty natural for first-time comedians. The funniest thing to me is jerking off. Oh, yeah. Totally. When Grandpa walked in, were you jerking off once?

Wow. How long until you stopped? You know, a couple strokes extra danger. Grandpa. Wow, how long until you stop? You get a couple strokes extra danger. Grandpa. Is he here tonight? Guys, give it up for old Grandpa Futon Guy! Yeah! He's got colors! So Joey Squid, here you are. Squid your last name? Your real last name?

Sounds like a fake last name. Super fake. It might be. Alright. It might be. Why do you? I don't have answers. Yes. Yes, tell me. You have the mustache of a cop and the answers of a defendant. Maybe it's the UPS mustache. Fuck yes. Do you get any perks for working at UPS or anything like that? Like, you know, any bonuses? Fucking like, what's the coolest thing?

Free weed, right? I've heard we're the best drug dealers on the planet. Alright, that and Uber drivers. I'll give you a UPS joke, you wanna hear it? Yeah, let's fucking hear it. I hear it from every onePS joke You wanna hear it? Yeah let's fucking hear it I hear it from every one of my customers Let me guess It's a what can Brown do for you poop joke?

Nope Wait something more exciting is happening Alright get into character Hey Tommy I heard that fucking FedEx bought EPS. Oh, yeah? You want to know what they're going to call it? What?

Fed Up. Wow. That's terrible. People are killing themselves. Oh, and a assault rifle. I love it. I live in the rifle. I love it. I live in the Midwest. I love it.

That's our sense of humor. I like your style. What do you like to do for fun? What's your big hobby? I've been jerking off on pizza. Joey, you're still bombing. Will you answer my questions? Answer my questions, Joey.

Still trying to make it over here. No. I play music, play video games, get high. Do you think you're going to try comedy again? Like go to an open mic or the funny bone and look back, reflect on your futon, slowly stroke with your knuckles up, and think about maybe the possibility of going on stage again? I probably will. I'll consider it. Ashley, what would you do with this guy? Is this your type of guy? His mustache and, uh, I mean, what do you think about this guy? I like your hat, Ashley. Thank you. And I'm gonna salute to my crabs.

Thank you. And I'm gonna slink to my crabs. I could stand starring as Johnny Depp starring as Mitch Hedberg in a biopic. Jared Leto as Johnny Depp for Halloween. I hate Jared Leto a lot. Wait, you get that a lot? Yeah, I do. Like, you look like the dude? I mean, people don't. What?

Yeah. Sorry. Okay, I mean, he's pretty attractive. I take it as a compliment. Wait, what? I was just going to ask, when you were younger, did you fuck around with the neighborhood girls?

Did you ever put any pencils in them or anything like that? What the fuck did you ask that? Yeah, I did mouthwash. Joey, is that mustache real? Is that a Velcro mustache? All right, Joey. Hi, Joey. Yes.

Uh, no. What if you had another ten seconds, what would you talk about? I have a joke that I'm not going to get into, that no one else here is going to find funny. If you're not going to do it, I can't imagine how terrible it must have been. You know what? You want a teaser before I go off stage? No, no, no, we don't want to tease into a joke. I've never even heard of that before.

Nine years in stand-up comedy, I've never heard of it. You want to hear a teaser to my joke? What kind of comedy fan are you? Jesus. Nine years in stand-up comedy right now, do you want to hear a teaser to my joke? What the fuck? Yeah, what kind of comedy fan are you? Jesus. I have this new joke, you want to see the THX 3D trailer for it? I ruined a pilot for my new bin. Joey Squid. What's your real last name, Joey? Squid. He's very secretive about his job your real last name, Joey? Squid.

He's very secretive about his job and his last name. I feel like he's in a full disguise right now. I got fired once! I got fired once! He's just gonna wipe that off me. I got fired once. I'm not trying to get fired twice. What? You can't... You're not allowed to go on stage and do comedy for UPS? Is that strict? Like, no, you must stay in your brown pants and have dry elbows. Yeah.

Stop kissing her ass. Stop being such a brown noser, dude. Yeah. Ha ha! I'm still going. Just looking out seeing who's smart

and who isn't. And the last time I like you is sitting there with a fucking mugshot. Joey, what the fuck else? Do you listen to this show?

What made you come here tonight? Yeah, I listen to you guys. You listen to it when you're driving, right? Every single week. UPS people, they always have an earpiece in now.

It's turned into like a walkie-talkie. All right. Joey, goodbye. Joey Swin, everyone. Take a mic stand back, Joey. Come on, man. What is this?

You're making a delivery? You just leave it over there? I was doing this here and it was like, I don't need a signature or anything. I think that was a teaser. Yeah, yeah. The voice was a teaser. Oh, man. The whole thing was a teaser. Follow him on Twitter at JoeySquid.

One word. That's with two D's at the end. Joey Squid. Getting us kick, you're in real time. Woo! Woo wee wee! Wa wa wee! Do you guys, I always love asking this after we see somebody for the first time, do you guys remember something you did, because everybody, when they do stand up for the first time, they end up doing some stupid shit.

Do you guys remember having anything that you did when you first started that you can't believe you did on stage? If not, no biggie, but like something stupid? Like I ranted about pedestrians for three minutes and got confused and didn't know what I was doing. Yeah, all of it was so bad. It's not repeatable. Did you find yourself more shocking and dirty when you first started off? Like, just like, I just want to see Tim on stage. Tick, tick, tick, tick.

When I started, I lived with... Dude, you never did that. Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick some reason, when I started, I was more black. Really? And he's in Zari in it? No, it's just kind of how I grew up and I was used to being funny with my black friends, so when I started stand-up, my accent was thicker. What does that sound like? Oh shit! What's up everybody everybody my name's Aaron

I'm not reduced, why was I lost? I was all Def Jam Fuck yeah I wore a backwards Kangoy Oh wow You would save me a long fucking Wesley Sykes in it Kangoy, Kangol, whatever

Instead of hat? Kangol, it's like a green hat And I wore bag tangle, whatever. Is that a hat? Yeah, a tangle. And I wore baggy jiggies. Oh, like a newsboy hat? Yeah, I guess it's a newsboy hat. No, it was like a baseball cap. Huh, okay. I don't really care.

Oh, you wore it backwards? Yeah. Wow. It's like you sounded blacker. Yeah. What did it sound like? Like, yo, what's up, guys? What's up? Yo, what's up?

Yo, I turned it on more, you know what I'm saying? Like, I was like, you know what I mean? My sister used to subscribe to Jet Magazine. What? And she used to, like, have, like, the lines in her eyebrows. And we went to, like to a nice white school. Is your sister named Rachel? Oh shit.

Dad? Alright, hold another... You know what Aaron told me before he came out? Uh oh. What did Aaron tell you before? Oooh. That he has a black butt. You mean it's dirty? Ooh. Awesome. I think he has a black butt. I know. He's sturdy.

You mean it's sturdy? No, but it's like nice and firm. I got a plump black-eyed booty. You know what I'm saying? I got like a Cuba Gooding Jr. booty. You know what I'm saying? I don't know what that means, but you know what I mean. Oh my God.

We've seen radio. Relax. We were comparing butts. I love it. I pulled another, but you know what I mean. Oh my God. We've seen radio, relax. We've seen very much. I love it. I pulled another name out of the bucket, everybody. And this name, doing 60 seconds right now, is Stephen Spinola. Woo! Here he comes.

Give it up for Stephen, everybody. Come on! I have a crooked hand, which sucks. Thank you for not screaming and stuff. You don't notice if I don't show you, but then when I do, I'm a monster, and I get it. And I understand why the ladies scream. I smoke a lot of weed, I pass out sometimes, I forget about it, and I wake up, I got half a haunted house attached to my goddamn wrist. If I smoke enough weed and jerk off, it looks like a witch is stirring a cauldron with my cock.

And she is stirring violently. I don't know what she's making in that cauldron. Only smoke-a-roonies. Butter, a jam, a jam on my noose. Pretty sure. You know when you take acid and you want to know when you're tripping? So you look at your hand and you're like, Oh man, my fingers, they're all squiggly. Mine never went back. I've been tripping since 2010. It's a bad acid.

You guys laugh all you want. Because this is how you find the cheese pot, motherfucker. Thank you very much, William, see you in a second. Woo! Fuck yeah, Steven Spinola, I love that. That is the funniest comedy puppet act without a puppet that I've ever seen, the whole time. I'm looking at your hand, you're looking at your hand,

I'm waiting for you to be like, I'm just kidding, everybody, you're looking at your hand, I'm waiting for you to be like I'M JUST KIDDING EVERYBODY! MY HAND'S FINE! Can I see what your hand looks like? Oh yeah, wow. Are you right-handed? So that's your master tool, you're like God graced me with the gift of closing it just enough to grasp my penis. What is that? What is that? What's the... What is it? It's the result of a car accident.

Wow. What the fuck? Can't you chop it off and put it back on better? Let's do it right here live tonight. You're ready for your first hand reconstruction surgery. Let's do it. Let me see it. Wow. Wow. It's not as bad as I thought that his jokes were saying.

It's like when a comic is talking about how they're fat and they're like, not that fat. No, that's exactly it. It's like each of you got hit by a car. Did you not go to the hospital afterwards? What happened was I went to the hospital and they wouldn't fix it

because other people had like way worse wounds, like bullet shots. Like a multi-car accident? No, it wasn't from the same, I mean other people in the ER had like bullet shot wounds. Where were you when this happened? I was in New Mexico, in Albuquerque. Oh. Like by the meth stuff.

And so they like, it took too long for them to actually do surgery and it swelled up and so then this is how it healed Give him a hand everybody Somebody please give him a hand Literally please, donate a hand to this guy's creepy fucking hand Yeah, you could probably get a dead person hand nowadays, right? Like start from fresh or it's dead I mean I could probably look into that

You should, I would. I've never seen somebody not get an amputation and been like, aw, they should have probably had it. That's amazing. What do you do that's fun with it? Like how is it, does it benefit the fingering of girls? Yes. Like put two fingers up, what's that like? It's the G-spot, right? And the girl next to her? Yes. Put two fingers up. What's that like? It's the cheese fire, right? Can you even bend those things?

And the girl next to her. Can you bend your fingers? It's me. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Like that. Yeah, you got a hell of a hook on you. Yeah.

Yeah, he's the only guy that can finger a girl and ask for a taxi at the same time. Excuse me. Eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh. All right. Yeah. And were you at the Pittsburgh show also? Your ticket thing got lost because we actually went through every name in the bucket, but you were the only person that gave the call.

It was me and my roommate. Two people? Yeah, we both did. Maybe you signed it on a different sheet or something. That's so weird. I left it to him to sign it up and then then I came inside, and we were in on it. Oh, he lied? Yeah, so he got the crooked hand treatment after the show. Right.

Yeah, so we're just happy to be here now. One thumb sideways to that guy, you know what I'm saying? Two in a sink and one in Indiana. Redband. Killing. From what field? I love it. Steven, how long have you been on stand up? About 60 years, almost. Wow, I love it. You're very, very funny.

Yeah, funny jokes. You get a lot of spots? Where are you based out of here? Well, we're in New York. New York? Oh, that's great. You get to stay busy. Yeah, very busy. Lots of mics. I try that's great. You get to stay busy. Yeah. Very busy. Lots of mics. I try to get out of the city to do as many shows as I can. But, yeah.

Figured a free weekend, and we came out here to see you guys. I love that. You listen to the podcast. We listen to the podcast when we're on the road in the car, yeah. A lot. Right. That's so fun. I think you're meant to do comedy because your hand actually looks normal when you're grabbing the mic stand.

Yeah, or a dick. Or a dick. Or you can hit the dick rubber for some guy. What do you do for work, Steven? Are you a full-time comedian or how do you survive? I trade stocks. Wow. And I got my butt hit. Why do you do comedy? I have a degree in physics and...

What? So... I was studying physics and it fucking sucks. So I went to a comedy show on acid and I never stopped going. That's great. Making money in the stock market? That makes sense. Making money is a strong...

Fuck yeah. Because your hand looks like one of those graphs that chart... I'm not sure if that's a good thing. I'm not sure if that's a good thing. I'm not sure if that's a good thing. I'm not sure if that's a good thing. I'm not sure if that's a good thing. I'm not sure if that's a good thing.

I'm not sure if that's a good thing. I'm not sure if that's a good thing. I'm not sure if that's a good thing. I'm not sure if that's a good thing. I'm not sure if that's a good thing. I'm not sure if that's a good thing. I'm not sure if that's a good thing. Making money in the stock market? That makes sense. Making money is a strong... Yeah, because your hand looks like one of those graphs that chart... ...what's happening, so... He's the Nasdaq on his knuckles. I love it. How many pets do you have? Do you have pets? We're not allowed to have pets in my apartment, so no.

So you overcompensate by wearing that t-shirt? I got a Walmart yesterday. We slept in a Walmart parking lot and then I bought a shirt. Wow. Wow. The stock money is really not helping. Well, Walmart's just shot up a point. You slept in the parking lot even though you have an apartment? Well, we live in New York, so Walmart is here. So you went from Pittsburgh and then you slept in a car?

Well, we went to Pittsburgh and we slept there too at Walmart and then also slept here at Walmart. Why at Walmart? Is that your safe place? This is where I was touched! I used to live in an RV and you can sleep at Walmart if anybody lives in an RV. You can sleep for free and you can go to Walmart and you can chill there all night. It's like safe. He's an interesting person. RV active.

This is like hanging out with James Franco if he fingered a blender. if you finger the blender. This is exciting stuff, Steve. You could be like a stunt double for like after that part in the movie where somebody steps on their foot, you know, and then like cuts your hand. There's a lot you can do with that hand. Yeah, man. Night model for the Special Olympics. Just picture them accepting medals.

Now, in 60 seconds... In 60 seconds, it's pretty much all on the hand. Like, is that pretty much... Is that like one of your things? Like, if you had an hour, would you just stand there with your hands like, look at this fucking shit! Am I right?

I get googly eyes when I put on these two. That's just one joke that I have that's a minute long. So were you driving the car when the accident happened? How old were you? I was 19. Oh shit. Were you guys drunk? No. I was the only one who was high actually. Oh, that's what you get.

The Lord works in mysterious ways. My parents lived that actually. The guy, he just fell asleep. He was tired. He was falling asleep at the wheel. I was falling asleep at the wheel so I asked someone else to drive. He got behind the wheel and drove for like 30 minutes and he passed out. 30 minutes. This guy fell asleep. You chose poorly.

You know what I would do if I was you? I would text that guy every night at like four in the morning when he's sleeping just to picture your creepy fucking hand doing different things. Like, oh my, look at this ugly hand in the refrigerator. Thanks a lot, asshole. How you sleeping, dip?

Just your ugly hand. My hand fucking sucks! I like how you call it a crooked hand. It's a picture of having its own life of its own. One of your hands like... Yeah, my crooked hand. Thursdays on NBC. I wish that it was a thing that I came up with, but it's what people call it. The creepy hand, the crooked hand.

I thought you called Mr. McCreepy Hands. Mr. McCreepy... The most Mr. McCreepyhands? The most insulting part to that for me is the Mr. I would just go straight to McCreepyhands. I would not call you by your surname. You know, I think if you're just walking around and being like normal style, like you're at Panera Bread, no one's going to notice your hand. I think you're drawing so much attention to it,

maybe just keep it in your pocket. I think that's... I had five years of stand-up, I didn't show anybody. I'll start wearing ice and toner. I finally have the courage to talk about my... Right, your hand is out of the closet. Your hand is like the Caitlyn Jenner of 2016.

It actually looks a lot like Caitlyn Jenner. It's a brave hand. That's what it feels just like. It's a brave, beautiful, courageous hand. Deserves to be on the cover of fuckin'... Pat Jancy magazine. Uh, Steven, what else? What else is fun about you? What's your creepiest hobby? What do you google when you're little? Clapping.

Redbeard is killing it! He really is. What's the type of porn that you google? Always the wrong kind. The creepy kind. Stop going through the first three. Everybody does that. You see them like, oh, what's my favorite porn? Uh, uh, uh.

They're like, can't do dirty diapers, can't do clown porn. Give me the good shit. What's the creepiest thing you've googled? The creepiest thing I've googled? I googled today, hairy Chinese dicks. That was creepy. What? Why?

Get out of here, dude. Get out of here. I was trying to show my other roommate a picture of the page Google. What was it? Hairy Chinese dicks. Why would you want that? Just to send to our other roommate. He's going to get the fuck out of Walmart's parking lot.

If you need a good night's sleep, I know a buddy with a futon you can crash on You guys already forget that fucking guy? It's 10 minutes ago Here it is again for Steven Spinola everybody There you go Just looked at a Walmart parking lot last night To do this show Just crazy

What are you laughing about? It's just so fun. On Sundays he sleeps out check the light. I pulled another name out of the bucket. It's Anthony Racic. Come on everybody. You've got to clap for these people. It's like a real show.

You've got to have some souls. Look at him. It's like a real show. You've got to have some souls. Look at these heels. So I was at the grocery store buying donuts for breakfast the other day. And I was going through the U-scan, you know, kind of like hiding my shame. The U-scan lady came up and said, excuse me, sir, I don't need a dollar to do diabetes research. I was like, no, that's okay, I'll pass. I don't need that. I'm fine. And she looked at the donuts, she looked back at me,

said, that's a bit short, sorry, I didn't know what to think. Touche, you scant lady, here's your dollar. I'm gonna fuck off, I don't need your guilt, alright? That and the pothead. But on the bright side, I saw an article that said women are more attracted to overweight guys now, they feel like they're more inclined to receive oral sex, which is 100% true. Fat guys love to suck dick for the same reason fat chicks love to suck dick. There's always a perking and slip there, I just can't get past it. Fat guys love to eat pussy for the same reason fat chicks love to suck dick. We have to. It's not going to work out if we're going to bring something else to the table. But I'm terrified of suffocation, so I have to like lift a girl's stomach to find her pussy.

I'm just not going to go down there. So they admit some kind of like pussy. Anthony Racic, how's it going buddy? How are you? Pretty good. Anthony Racic, how's it going buddy? How are you? Good to be here. Let's go to Brie Anthony, everybody. I always love it when the funniest part of somebody's bed is a complete accident.

And it's true. I'm pretty sure the funniest thing I've heard all night was fat guys love sucking dick. I know. It's like we all knew it. Yeah. Because, I mean, that's why they're so fat. They've ate so much dick. They clearly love putting meat in their mouths. By the way, Tom Segura, guys. Right?

Yeah. Tom Segura. Wow. Fuck yes. Yeah, it's like a Tom Segura if he was like from Game of Thrones or something like that. Like King Baratheon? You look like the type of guy that had the gout before. No, you've never had the gout?

What's the weirdest ailment you've had? I've learned to shellfish. Oh shit, that sucks. You're also allergic to cockroaches. I did not know that. Joe Rogan told me that. Because they found out from eating cockroaches this girl might have to go to the hospital if you're allergic to cockroaches. I did not know that. Joe Rogan told me that because they found out from eating

cockroaches, this girl might have to go to the hospital if you're allergic to cockroaches, you're also allergic to shellfish. So don't eat any cockroaches. Fat guys love putting cockroaches in their food. Anthony, what do you do for work? I got two jobs. I'm a dirt farmer by day and a bar manager by night. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. No, no, no, it's a real job. Slow it down. Slow it down. Anthony, relax. It's a real job. Stop.

Anthony, listen. It's a real job. It's a real job. I swear to God. I swear to God. What the fuck does a dirt farmer do? They don't dirt and they don't... I bet, by the way, I bet every dirt farmer always? Fill dirt in the dozer. I bet, by the way, I bet every dirt farmer always two parts his answer like that. You know what I mean? Like, do you hear what he did? He goes, oh, I like two jobs. I'm a dirt farmer.

And I also, uh, I guess like, you really hit dirt farmer in the dirt pretty much there for a second. It's like fill dirt and stuff like that. Like landscaping dirt, right? You... Uh, no, well, yeah. I always loved the part where you try to sound like you know what a dirt farmer is. That means you landscape dirt, right? What does that mean? I don't even know what you guys are talking about. Dirt's just dirt, right? No.

We make potty-trained topsoil. So the company I work for, I live in Fort Wayne, Indiana. The company I work for has a contract with the city of Fort Wayne where we get a third of the leaves they collect every year. And over the course of the summer, I turn that into fucking dirt. Fuck yeah. Pretty easy to see my boss a couple times a month. How does it pay? Are you dirt poor?

Are you dirt rich? I want to hear about the other job. So you're a night manager at a... Is it a strip club or is it a bar? What do you... It's the rooftop lounge in the Memorial Coliseum in Fort Wayne. We're open for, like, comics games, basketball games,

concerts. Which one do you like better? It's a strip club? It's a what? It's a bar in, like, an event center, like a hockey stadium. Oh. Like minor league hockey. It's better pussy than the dirt farm, right? Oh, for sure.

Especially when there's country concerts. Holy shit. So what goes on as a night manager there? What are you doing? Well, I'm like the only manager. We're only open like three days a week for events and shit. Oh. Games.

Oh, that's fun. What's fun? Give it a promotion. Like what would be fun to do there? I mean, hockey people. That's it. Yeah, we have a D-League basketball team. Wow.

Do you do comedy in Fort Wayne? Yeah, I get up like three nights a week, two or three nights a week. There's good guys here. Yeah, I saw you there. Doug Benson. Oh, shit, son. Have you ever seen or do you know Miss Pat? Yeah, I saw you there. You did? Oh shit, son. Have you ever seen or do you know Miss Pat?

No, I've never met Miss Pat. I've heard of her. She's hilarious. What do you do for fun? We do two jobs and stand up. Me and two friends do a podcast called Asians Titans. You should all check it out. Yeah, we know that part.

We have a lot of local, regional comics on, and we talk about video games and movies and TV shows and random crazy shit. Sounds boring as fuck. Are you in that, what's that, Farming Tinder? Farmer's Tender. By the way, I saw, for the first first time ever a commercial for that last night. And it's one where the guy takes the girl horseback riding and she's like, I don't know how to get on the horse.

And he's like, oh, golly gee. And it's like, are you saying I'm dating shitty girls? And then the girl's like falling off a horse. Like what the fuck is going on? I just can't believe it's an actual thing. Like it sounds like a joke. I felt like I accidentally flipped to Adult Swim or something like that. Like a real Farmers Only commercial. It's out of control.

I saw one where they're both on ATVs getting muddy and giggling. Oh really? Yeah. Fuck. That sounds like fun. Now, you had that little slip, which was funny. But what was the actual joke that you were getting at? Because I think after that I kind of forgot. Yeah, I kind of got lost.

We all didn't hear anything after that. It was over after that. At the end of that joke, it said, until somebody invents some kind of pussy snorkel, I'm just not going to go down there. Why is that? You really don't like eating pussy? I just don't want to.

Look at me, man. You got to pick up hot chicks? I mean. So you're talking about the pussy that. Larger women. Yeah. So you just don't want to eat the pussy of the type of girl that you get. Right.

That's the joke, bro. That's what you gotta say. Well, there's a line in there after usually where I say, that's 100% true, I love to eat pussy, but I cut that for time. Yeah, that part's still not as good as what I just said. Here's a part I just said.

Just a tip. Dirt farm in Indiana, maybe. That's the kind of pussy you're getting. Maybe get the fuck out of Indiana. Because, I mean, if Tom Segura has Christina Pajitsky, you can get Christina Pajitsky easily, too, right? No, that's not true. Tom Segura has an unbelievable personality. He loved out. That's also the dirt farm. That's all you know, is dirt. Like, you just sit around and talk about mulch to girls. That's also the dirt farm. That's all you know is dirt. Like you just sit around and talk about mulch to girls.

You said you girls are coming to the country shows, right? You tell them you're a dirt farmer. Oh, they're into it. Farmers only, like connect the dots. Right, it gets the fucking blood pumping. You get to carry that heavy equipment. Do other farmers talk shit about like dirt farmers? Yeah. Like the bottom of a farmer's totem pole? Like sods?

What do you think about mud? You hate mud? Yeah, you hate mud. Fuck mud, it ass, right? What do you think you can do to my dirt? Do you guys have gang fights with sod farmers? You guys have gang fights with sod farmers? Anthony, what else?

Tell us something else interesting about you. In real life. When is the last time you went down on a girl then? Truth time. Been a while. I ask the tough questions here on the show. These aren't the kind of questions you see asked on the Tonight Show and shit like that. This is real shit.

When's the last time you went down on a girl you won't see anywhere else, people? It's been a while, and there's a reason my girlfriend hates why I tell that joke. Oh. Holy shit. Jerry, Jerry, cherry, cherry. How long have you been with your girlfriend? Uh, like two and a half years now. Nice. Is she here tonight?

No, she's not. Did she shave? Maybe she should not shave then. Does it look like an idea's hand? So how's life with her? What does she do for work? She's a hair stylist. She gets hair. She's fine. Crazy girls are always good in bed too. Do you guys ever find out Is your sex life good

I mean you're not going down on her What's like the ratio of blowjobs to Eat outs What would you call that Blowjob to eat outs What's your B versus E ratio You're better than most of my single friends Well we can't even imagine How pitiful your single friends must be.

Single dirt farmers, sure. We're still looking for, since most of your friends are worms, we're still looking for an actual answer. How many blowjobs do you get before going down on her? Like is it 2 to 1? 7 to 1? Sure, 7 to 1. 7 to 1! Wow, a lot of women in this room hate you right now. Ashley, what do you think about this guy? What would you do with him?

I don't know, I don't do though. I'm setting you up here. What do you think? We've opened up beautiful, I mean, you opened up for Dave Chappelle, you're a tutorial. Are you talking about like how she would fuck him? No, I'm just saying. He'd just sit on his face and throw some mud on his dick. What do you think about this guy? What do you think when you see this? Alright, stop it.

He's a speech ball. You can just hit it, do anything you want with it. Okay, I'll take it back. Come on. Fuck yeah. Anthony, what else? So you're really scared of suffocating? Yeah. Suffocation's terrible.

Is that true? Where else is that? What would you say is one of your top fears? That's probably one of my top fears, yeah. Like what else? Yeah. Uh... Turn out like my dad? Oh, daddy issues!

Just don't fuck your kids and you'll be good! Well, let's just start with your dad. Let's get it out right now. This is like a big therapy session for you. Oh, he's a crazy drunk asshole. Is he here tonight? No, no. Thank goodness. Okay, I get the feeling he owns a shotgun, right? No, actually, no.

Why don't you like him? Oh, no, I love him. He's just a fucking crazy asshole. What's so crazy about him? What's so crazy about him? He's a character as they say. Come on, give us something. He's crazy, he's a character. It's unbelievable. What's so crazy about him? Is your dad racist? No, no, no.

He's definitely dead racist. No, no, no, no. Ah, come on! He's definitely not racist. He's probably just like a real farmer and he can't live up to that. Oh shit. He just works with his stuff. Hey, how's the dirt going you pussy? Yeah, in a way. You can't grow shit, can you? Fuck you dad, one day I'm gonna get you, I'm gonna do a podcast. Talk about video games.

Meanest thing you've done. I'm gonna do a podcast. I'm gonna do a podcast. I'm gonna do a podcast. I'm gonna do a podcast. I'm gonna do a podcast. I'm gonna do a podcast. I'm gonna do a podcast.

I'm gonna do a podcast. I'm gonna do a podcast. I'm gonna do a podcast. I'm gonna do a podcast. I'm gonna do a podcast. I'm gonna do a podcast. I'm gonna do a podcast. I'm gonna do get you, I'm gonna do a podcast, talking about video games. Meanest thing your dad's ever said to you? My mom once called me, I was very young, and I remember her calling me a cock-sucking faggot. And I was like six at the time.

It was like I fucking left food out or something like that. No, he's kind of like an idiot savant. He's not sharp as knife in the drawer, but he's really good at construction. He drinks a lot. He's kind of violent. Smells like a dream, okay. Then here's my next question. Let's see if we can get an answer out of you. What's the most violent thing you've seen him do?

Tell the truth, come on. I mean, we got a fist fight once and I cracked him in the face with a frying pan. Yes. What's that? A lot of my throat. Okay, that's the most violent thing you've done. I think we just found out that he killed his dad. Is your dad dirt now?

Is that why you got into dirt? I need to know how to bury dad. Did you bring him to my house? How'd you get into dirt? I need to know how to bury dad! You break my body? How'd you get into dirt farming? Really? Honestly, it was pretty... Haha! Fucking... dirt. Unbelievable. It's just so fucking funny.

Unbelievable. It's dirt. Uh, that's interesting. I love that. What's the most violent thing that you've seen your dad do? Um, uh, the one time I had to beat him upside his head with a frying pan, uh, repeatedly until I slit his throat. I took him to the workplace for disposal. Uh, Anthony. I think it's an insight. I didn't see anything. He was behind me. You know, that could have been...

Whoa! Whoa! He used my butt like a flashlight. Was Daddy putting in your little dirt hole there? No. Uh, no. Son, did you fall down at work today? I didn't make Daddy clean you. But you're all dirty.

Fat guys are the best to get blow-dry on shit. Even if you're dirty now. Wait till I get you in the bathroom. Take off that Oshkosh. Dad, it's hungry. Oh, Anthony, it's me, Dad. Hey, where's that frying pan you hit me with? All right.

Anthony, I had so much fun talking to you. You're cool as fuck. You gotta talk about all this stuff that we've been talking about on stage. You gotta take it all and run with it. You gotta talk about the dirt. Talk about the dad. Make up some stuff that your dad didn't do anything to you. I was trying to do a joke about how he taught us

to be strong, tough, and make sacrifices. Like when he sacrificed fixing our toilet for beer money. When he sacrificed his family by being a violent drunk. Yeah. It was really tough to shit in a plastic bag and take it out to the trash. What the hell? You need to talk about all of these real things.

Every comic book. Nope, can't compete with that life. Good fun. Well, Anthony, it was a fucking ton of fun meeting you. You drove all the way from Fort Wayne for this, or what are you doing in Columbus? Yeah, we drove from Fort Wayne to meet my buddy Mark. Wow, amazing. You're awesome, dude.

All the way from Indiana. Anthony Rasek, everybody. There he goes. Thank you, guys. Thank you. It's on Twitter. Maybe I'm wrong. All wrong word. Maybe I'm wrong. How about that? What do you think his dad really did do?

Because you know you can't tell us the real thing. No, definitely not. I think his dad probably was into straws and stuff like that. You know what I mean? Oh, yeah, drugs. No, like, blowing straws into things, like a straw fetish.

I don't know, I'm just picking up on it. I'm pretty good at these things. Like, I bet right now he's freaking out, like, how the fuck do you know that? No, I'm kidding. There's no such thing as a straw fetish. I don't know. Maybe his dad, uh, he seems like a big, tough, like, thunderbolt

of a guy. Like, I can't imagine his dad being, you know, that rough on him. Well, I don't know, he seems like a big, tough, like, thunderbolt of a guy. Like, I can't imagine his dad being, you know, that rough on him. Well, I think so. Everyone has their flaws. I'm sure he has, like, big areolas or something like that. He's very protective of his dad, though, because he wouldn't give anything up on it at all. I know. Even when I asked him the most violent thing, he talked about himself.

Maybe he was a UPS driver, his dad. It's like Stockholm Syndrome. Yeah. He loves them. They pulled another name out of the bucket. I love how Finn named Hudby. It's unbelievable. I've never read names off of spaghetti noodles. They don't have much paper here in Columbus, Ohio. We're Nick! It's that old stock market ticker take. Oh, we just got one again. Sell! Sell the stock! Sell the stock! Who's next? Oh, the chicken hands. And then let me talk about my hand!

I'm still that subway stock. Put your hands together for your next performer, Cal Jansen, everybody. Cal Jansen, here he comes. Hey. Do you guys think it's weird that on a parkway we drive, but on a driveway we get mad wondering what's taking our girlfriend so long? Actually, I am single because I wrote that joke. I don't know, I think I'm a good boyfriend though.

You know, because once I had a girl tell me, you've shown me everything I've been missing in a relationship. I said, well, I think I'm a good boyfriend though You know, because once I had a girl tell me You've shown me everything I've been missing in a relationship I said, well thank you She said, yeah, it's right over there, bye It's alright guys, I know, it's sad But it's okay, I still see her every now and then Still get back with her If you guys have never done that, getting with an ex

It's kind of weird, I'll tell you how it goes It's kind of like when you leave food in your refrigerator too long, and your friends come by and go, what's this still doing here? Hey man, I think there's still something good in there, you know? It's like, it's covered in mold.

Yeah, but that mold still cares about me, okay? And that mold is going to make something work. Fuck yeah. How are you? Nice to meet you, man. How's it going? That was fun.

How long have you been on stand-up? About two years. Two years. Where at? Cincinnati. Cincinnati. Hell yeah. Did you leave your hat in Cincinnati, or did you just take off your hat before you got on stage?

Were you being respectful? I figure there was probably a flag in here somewhere. I love it. Now you have perhaps the first time in Kill Tony history, the first legitimate mullet that I've seen. That is a real mullet.

I was wondering if it was real or like one of those party hat connection things. But when you said you're from Cincinnati, I knew it was real. There it is. It's a really long one. Good little starter mullet. Now, are you on the, what is it, West Virginia side?

You just say Cincinnati because it sounds better? The West Virginia side of Cincinnati? Or what is it? Now, are you from the Florida side of Cincinnati? Are you from Oregon? I'm actually from Kuwait. So anyway, you're not in China.

Did you say you're from Kuwait? The Kuwait side of Cincinnati. Oh, you were making jokes. I see what you did there. I see what you did of Cincinnati. Oh, you were making jokes. I see what you did, pal. Now, what do you do for work? I deliver pizza.

Whoa! I love how you say it in like old school comedy voice. I deliver pizza! I think I saw one comedian that would always say like, Uhhh. You know what I'm talking about? What the fuck? It's so funny. I remember him when I was a kid,

but I've never heard anything of him since I started doing stand-up. He's always like... Please give me the heroin that you have. The driveway joke, I'm so glad you didn't go there, because I was immediately going, god damn it, is he really going to do this? Yeah, no, I'm not taking stuff

on the internet. Right, right. You thought it wasn't going to be a misdirect? No, I really thought it was going to go there. I thought it was a dude that never did comedy and was like, check this one out. Yeah. The other joke where he, like, I like the premise of the idea of like like why is she

still here and you know the whole mold part thing like like i think i like how you said i feel like there's something let me know in it still or something like that maybe i don't know like the the how you the part you said after that though i think there's something else clearly like a one-liner, short delivery style. That's sort of what you're working with right now, right? Yeah. Well, I try to string them together. Oh, you're trying to?

I try to string them together. I mean, that's why it's all relationship. You ever talk, how long have you been delivering pizzas? Really long. On and off forever. I mean, like two years at a time. But yeah, it's different. You like it that much?

You just don't have to try very hard. Who do you rep at? What's your pizza place? Right now? Wow. What's up with all these pastas and all this other shit? I got kicked out of all the other ones already. Oh, shit. For what?

That's the one on the tracker, though. It seems like they're the most on topic. Yeah, I'm trying to get my name out there. You say you got fired from a bunch of other pizza shops? Yeah, it's basically fired. It's like a willing firedness. Why do you usually get fired? What's the normal reason? Bringing a mullet into the workplace? Just get bored and you know I can get into it. So? Just get bored, and you know, I can get another...

So you just get bored and punch a manager? I can get right back. I just gotta do something else for a few days, or a tire blows out, and then they're already mad from all the times I was late. But you know, it's replaceable. It's not like the other one down the street isn't gonna hire me.

I go, I've done this for four years, and they're like, okay. You've probably had a lot of pink eye outbreaks with the pizza you've delivered. It seems like. Right? I don't go in the houses. Have you had pink eye? Never. You've never had pink eye in your life? No, and I've done a lot of things that would merit it. What does your hand smell like right now? Vodka. No, your hand. My hand? Yeah, your hands. What's your hands? Take the glass out of your hands. Smell your hands

for me. No, no, no. Don't do it. No, no, no. I'm going to stop that right there. I wasn't going to put it down. He cares for you. I love it. So, Cal, you've been working for Domino's

for a really long time. You're delivering pizzas. What's something crazy, you've been working for Domino's for a really long time. You're delivering pizzas. What's something crazy that you've seen in your history of delivering pizzas? How old are you? 27. So you've been delivering pizzas for, what, like 10 years? Why are you laughing like that? You said you've been doing it forever.

They don't hire you until you're 18. Oh, sorry. I don't know the pizza delivery boy game. It's nine years. Any naked people answering the door? Do you get any of the girls, the cam girls, like, I want to be in here.

Do you ever see any of their pepperonis? No, a lot of people say that, and I think they're full of it. No, I've seen it live on camera. Go to myfreecamps.com. They do it all the time. Okay. You eat a lot of pizza, Tom?

Yeah. That's your thing, right? No, it's when people don't pick theirs up. Ah. Well, your jokes were very cheesy, so I could almost pick up on the fact that you work in the pizza game. And we're talking about Cincinnati. Cincinnati pizza. I love that. Do you? What are you talking about Cincinnati. Cincinnati pizza.

I love that. Do you? I mean, I'd never do it in a million years, but, you know. Cincinnati's always known for their pizza. Domino's. What do you do for fun, Cal? You seem like an interesting guy. I just sit there.

Sit where? Domino's? Do you think there's ever going to be a part of your life where you snap out and you're like, you know what, I'm done just sitting here. I'm going to try and do something. Or do you really want to move up and be like, you know, in the future I'm going to be a UPS driver. You know? I can be a car wreck or something if I'm lucky. Get your own dirt cars.

I'm going to date a hair stylist. I am a hair stylist. I'd like to get in a car wreck or something if I'm lucky. Get your own dirt bar. I'm a data hairstylist. I am a hairstylist. How long have you had them on? Not about, I don't know. It's a part of the, they make you wear it when you get a job at Domino's. Part of the unit. You get your apron and your moment.

All right. I don't know. I feel like there's a lot of Domino's employees in here for some reason. It's really quiet there, like I'm insulting the home pizza place or something like that. You better watch it. We all have chairs.

Fuck yeah. Cal, how's the pussy game treating you? What are you fucking with nowadays? What am I fucking with nowadays? You still using your dick like you know the old days? Just give up? Are we in full school shooter mode? You don't even care about sex anymore? What are we talking about? That's what happens to the school shooters. You want to know what happens? They're not jerking off and shit.

No. Any chicks that like mullets? There is one girl I see sometimes and she lets me fuck her when she's sad. Yeah, she does a good one. And I'm guessing since you're fucking her, she gets fucked over and over and over again. That's how I got a nice cycle going. She fucks you, she looks at you, she's like, Oh, Todd, fuck me again! Or do you just like deliver dead puppies to her house every day?

Hey babe, love you, let's fuck! Redman's actually onto something. I know, like every day she opens up like, What a great day! And then she looks down and sees a dead shih tzu and you're like, AHHH! SAD! FUCK ME! Anonymous letters, you fat bitch. How long you been fucking this sad chick?

Uhhhh... I think since last Thanksgiving. Last Thanksgiving? Wow, I love how he wastes his years by Thanksgiving. It's great Thanksgivings. Her family is shit, she was full of tryptophan. He answered. You know her? Well... That's lovely. How often do you say you get the boobie call from her? How often is she sad? She's on probation right now. Fuck yeah, you must be getting probation like crazy. Hey babe, I got a 12 inch and a 3 inch.

Let's do this. Back of the pizza for this movie. Jesus. Cal, what else? What's the craziest type of corn that you've googled? Pan. Fuck yeah. You seem like you jerk off a lot.

I see how greasy your hair is. You just tell me I'm right. More lube! Do you get mad when they don't put the lotion in the basket? I mean, you've got to watch pizza delivery porns, right? No. Does that ever happen to you? Just like, you walk in and they're like, hey!

I've had people tell me that they were just going to be there drinking by themselves, which sounds like something I would be into, but much like the other guy, it's not usually my preferred clientele. Sounds like a suicide call. Have you ever been paid in drugs? Kind of. I mean, it's basically just a guy who doesn't have any money and says, do you want to hit this blunt? And I go, ah, fuck it. I mean, it's basically just a guy who doesn't have any money and says, do you want to hit this blunt? And I go, ah, fuck it. I mean, I just made nothing, yeah. Wow. A $9

blunt hit? Yeah. Holy shit. Not for the pizza, just the tip. Oh. Yeah. Right. That makes sense. Have you ever sucked anybody's dick while delivering pizzas? Well, there we go. It doesn't even make any sense, guys.

So Cal, you've been doing stand-up for two years, and that's in Cincinnati? Mm-hmm. That's fun. Do you know Will Moore? Yeah, I wrote up with him. Everybody loves Will, right? Yeah, he's a nice guy. So excited to see him here. Have you ever touched him inappropriately?

I feel like when you look like this, most touching is inappropriate. Yeah. You obviously met Will because you were delivering pizzas to him at his place. Will doesn't have money. Yeah. That's the best. Look at that. He's the only guy with a little face back there.

Look at Will. Fucking love that guy. That's your future right there, Columbus. Yep. So, Cal, what else? Well, I liked the street, like,

misdirect joke. Yeah. I feel like you could kind of do, I mean, even though I kind of wasn't sure if you were going to do more misdirect,

like, I thought you were maybe just going to do a bit as, like, a really bad comment compared to street jokes. And I was kind of excited for it. I'm not that clever. bit as like a really bad comment compared to street jokes and I was kind of excited for it. I'm not that clever. Now I've laid it out. Ashley, what would you do with this

guy? Cal. All right. Well, it was nice meeting you, man. You too. What's next for you? What's next on your bucket list of things to do? I think I'm ready to take off my shoes. Try it. How much part do you smoke? What's funny about Cal is that he's the first comedian tonight, if you didn't notice, that hasn't mentioned in 60 seconds that they smoke marijuana. But meanwhile, I get the feeling you're more stoned

than all of them. I get the feeling like you forgot to say that part in your 60 seconds because you're that high. I already hit my quota. I've cooled off now. Hit your quota? Yeah. You don't smoke pot anymore? You're just starting to like scotch?

Just a bit. What are you drinking there? That's a vodka. What was it? Vodka? Gotcha. Yeah, vodka. Cal, it was nice meeting you. You too. Let's see you guys soon. Cal Jansen, everybody. He's on Twitter. Cal

Jansen. All one word. Cal Jansen. How you guys doing? Live audience. You guys hanging in there? It's a crazy show. The thing that's interesting about this show is the live audience is the smallest portion

of people that see it. It's actually a podcast, but we disguise it in the cloak of a live show. Look at these people just coming in. That's the annoying guy. He's bad. Sad. Sad.

Pulled another name out of the bucket. It's a different Will. Will Bell. Come on! Will Bell! Real quick, I heard you streamed off. Second thing is I looked at Twitter this morning, and I seen that Brian tweeted something about free cams, and I looked on there, and some girl had a vagina that looked like that dude's hand over there.

So it was pretty gross. But I had a vagina that looked like that dude's hand over there. So it was pretty gross. But I had a good Thanksgiving. My grandparents told me that they were going to invite my long-lost cousin, Lindsay, who I haven't seen in ten years, and I figured she fell to heroin like a proud Ohioan does. But instead, she shows up, and she's just lesbian. You know? And not the, like, lipstick, scissoring type lesbian, but, you know, she kind of looks like me, but manlier, leaner, kind of lesbian. Well, uh... Shit. We sit down at the kiddie table with...

What is the kiddie table? Fuck yeah! Real pal. I love it. I've never seen somebody do stand-up like they're taking a break on the golf course. I feel like you're in between the seventh and eighth hole right now. You know? You feel like you're in between

the seventh and eighth hole right now. You're like, you know what, I'm gonna just do a few minutes. I'll catch up with you guys. Hey everybody, I'm, uh, the fuck? What are you doing? Looks like every kidnapped rich kid in a movie. Yeah, exactly. You're like, what are you,

you fucking giant soiled 13-year-old? We have the senator's son. Yeah. He's doing stand up in a bar. Fuck. What the hell are you? We walked up here. I thought you were a lesbian.

He's your foot off his phone. Chad Bush's grandson. What's your story man? What fucking fancy son are you? Upper Arlington or Dublin? I actually live in Huron, Ohio. What's your story, man? What fucking fancy suburb are you from? Upper Arlington or Dublin? I actually live in Huron, Ohio, which is by Sandusky. Whoa, really? All the way up there? I drove all the way down here to see you.

Just to play nine holes? Get on the show and get Memorial? I love that. You live up by Cedar Point. Did you go there a lot? Yeah, man. I mean, I did when I was in middle school. I got over that shit quick. His parents own the place. You're not still in middle school? How old are you? I'm 23.

Wow. You have the face of a 14-year-old Orange is the New Black character. I mean, it's incredible. You're like a complete perfect cross between Chaz Bono and Ellen. Those little blonde locks. You're like the only fat Lannister I've ever seen. That's the greatest compliment I've ever gotten. Wow.

I love your style. You drove down. You've listened to this show a Wow. I love your style. You drove down. You drove. You listened to this show for a bunch. You're a fan, you said. Well, you know what was funny? I work at a golf course. I don't know what was funny.

I know your 60 seconds wasn't funny. Oh. Oh, hey. Whoa. Hi-oh. No, I'm kidding. Whoa, you did great. Keep going.

I work at a golf course, and I listen to you guys on the floor. Boom, boom, boom, boom. If you ever need some fresh dirt, I know a guy. What are you doing on the golf course other than tending to it for your parents? And stealing from the pro shop every night. I'm the superintendent. I mow greens and I just tell people to go out there and pick up fucking sticks. That's got gotta be fun. I forget that they have like white

superintendents in their hire. That's what all the Mexicans do or work from. You say, oh now they're coming dude. He's on the jumpers right. You only have a job for about six months. Yeah. And after that it's robots. Or else there's gonna be a new guy, fuckin'... The Mexicans are coming.

See? Jim Bush is ransom. I love the way you just crack up at your own stuff, Will. He's like, oh, Mexicans got jobs, what? Fuck yeah, 23. What else are you up to? You just working at the golf course? Yeah, you know, working. What do you think about John Daly?

Is that your favorite? I get that a lot. He's pretty cool. I like John Daly. You know, I don't like drinking Miller Lite like he does. What do you like to drink? Other than bowls of gravy. That's fucking true. drinking Miller Lite like he does. What do you like to drink? Other than bowls of gravy.

That's fucking hot. That's fucking... I'm calling my father. That's really, really bad. Dad! Get out of here! We'll beat this fuckface! Send the shop shooter. Hey, uh, thanks for not inviting Pat Reagan. Jesus. Look at the way you gluttonously laugh at everything you say.

It's incredible. I got a douchebag. Oh, Jesus, Will, settle down. What are you trying to take his job? I wouldn't do nothing like that. I love that. That's hilarious. I don't even know what he looks like. I just hear him on a podcast and I know he's a douchebag

wow that really would have hurt his feelings had your voice not cracked while you were saying it I listen to him on podcasts and I hate him he's such a douchebag so Will you're still going through puberty, huh?

It's a long process. Fuck yeah, it is. No, it's not. You're 23. You're working at the golf course. Any pressure from the parents or anything like that? Like, what's your story? You live by yourself? No, I still live with my mom. Oh, I see.

You said it like she's in the audience. You want to give her a shout-out? It's cool if she is. Mom. Oh, too bad. Okay, you said it like she's in the audience. You giving her a shout out? It's cool, she is. You either have a very big house so it doesn't matter if you live with your mom. I mean, how do you take home guys in the middle of the night? Who lives in the guest house, okay? Play a little game of nine holes, you know what I'm saying?

Show them your woods. This is gonna be a two hole. Yeah. Okay. Didn't we just ask you a question? No, I totally forgot. No, like, why did you live with your mom? Isn't it hard to, like, get, you know,

fuck dudes? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, you know, I lived here for a little bit, and I just couldn't afford it, so I had to move back home. Whoa! You can't afford... You know, your rent could be paid by all the clothes that you have on your body right now. Columbus, Ohio is not that expensive. You could trade that for a house right now.

Just not Polaris Parkway. Yeah, that means I'm right. What is too expensive for you? Because, I mean, my friend just bought a house, three bedroom, front yard, backyard, and it's $500 a month. So what is too expensive for you? Well, rent, man.

I mean, going out doing comedy. Your voice almost cracked on that. Rent! I'm a little, I'm a little. So, you know, when I worked here, I was a temp, you know, and it was shitty. They were like, you know, modern slavery, man.

Yeah, never work for a temp agency. Oh, that's the only thing you get. Yeah, modern slavery. You look like you own slaves. At least three generations of his family did. Yeah. If you haven't tried waiting tables, yeah, try waiting tables. It's the easiest job.

You get money every single night. You can work five shifts and pay rent if you're a man. I love this Brian Redband, the guidance counselor. It's true. And it's a profession that you can go anywhere in the world and work. You have a skill that can immediately get you money in your pocket as fast as possible anywhere in the world. Do it, dude. Trust me. And it's the best time ever because you get wasted with all your workmates and as possible anywhere in the world. Do it, dude. Trust me.

And it's the best time ever because you get wasted with all your workmates and you fuck them all. It's great. You ever smoke weed in the freezer, bro? You ever put your dick on somebody's steak because they wanted to cook a little longer? Max Nermos? Will, what does your mom do for a living? My brother...

Oh shit. My brother owns a gym and she works there. Woah, you got a brother owning the gym. Does he live at home too? Don't you get a discount? No, I don't. He goes to Jim Marie. I don't know what that is. Maybe it's a kid's store or something?

That's not going to work! That's a... Yeah, it is, right? Oh, dad, that's hilarious. You're like a big baby. That's what you are. I feel like you're a lot younger than you said. You're actually like 11, and you crawled out of a crib. You seem very ticklish.

I feel like you would get kidnapped on a cruise every time. Aaron, will you try to tickle him a little? Oh, no. Brian, we have a strict no-tickle policy here on the show. It looks like Will would enjoy it way too much. Will, so what does your mom do for work? Oh, she works at the gym. What does she do there? She fucking works at a gym.

Jesus, Jesus, Will. That'll be a lot of fun. I don't blow down much, John. How dare you? How dare you? You're talking to me like I just took a dump on hole number three. Hey, jackass, what are you thinking? I have to clean that up!

I love that you dress like a golfer, but you just work on the course. I golf. Oh, you do? That's my hobby. Oh, I like that. What are some other hobbies of yours? I like to fish. Are you filling out your Tinder profile right now? I like to fish, long walks on the beach?

Yeah, of course. You didn't ask him, Tony. I know. Keep going. Fish? Um... I feel like you're just ordering food right now. You're not even really telling me how to...

Hostel pizza? I'm like a fish, a 12-ounce steak, and I'm a hamburger? What else? You fish? I mean, you know... When was the last time you ate a pussy? Last time I ate a pussy? Last year. It was a year ago.

When he was born. He lived on the way out. I love it. Will, craziest thing that, craziest type of porn that you've jerked off to? Besides the shit this morning. What was that? What was this morning?

Remember, I said you tweeted that, and I looked at it, and it looked like that dude's hand. All right, come on. No, that was something else that was crazy. I thought about it earlier. You should go to a lesbian bar. I like looking at the fappening.

Yeah, the secret stuff. Like all the actresses and like Julianne Roberts' brown bubble and stuff. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. The fappening? No, I know what it is. Are you telling me you and your mom share the same computer? Is that what we're finding out right now? You don't have your own laptop yet?

It's an iPad. You guys share it? Yeah. You share it? You share it. It's on the fappening. It's an iPad. Google Chrome.

Oh, no. So your mom is playing Beachy and Wolf. And then you're like, give me that real quick. I gotta get to the fappening. It's not even an iPad, it's a Google Chrome. Oh god. So when mom leaves the home, you go for the chrome.

You know what I'm saying? You search up that fappening, you fucking rub the guy in the mullet's hair, and you just jerk off. On the futon. guy in the mullet's hair and you just jerk off. On the futon. How long have you been on stand-up? What's the deal with that?

Two years. Two years. In Sandusky? Well, no, I started here and then I recently moved back. How long did you move back? Six, seven months ago. I'd say more. I can't remember.

Will, you have a great personality. You're so young. Get the fuck out of stuck up in Sandusky and move back to the city. Don't convince yourself that the big city beat you. You know what I mean? Go to Kohl's, get some new clothes. Will Bell, everybody.

Great personality. 23. Whatever you do, do not stop being stand-up. Thanks guys. Yeah, Will Bell everybody. Great personality. 23. Whatever you do, do not stop getting stand up. Motherfucker. Can you imagine him in like, Compton? Well, hello there everybody. Hi guys. I've got a couple of jokes you guys have to tell me.

Typically, how about a sticky yucky? Well yeah, I sure do have my Walden on me. Thanks for asking, sir. Yeah! Wait, what? You want me to hand it to you? Oop! Okay! Dude, you're cold? Get in my car! Hey, wait a second, where you going? I'm right here! It's your street, sir!

Sir, what? Is there some kind of marathon or something? Oop! Oop! Oop! Do you treat shirt up like some kind of marathon or something? Ooooooo, ooooooo, ooooooo, ooooooo, ooooooo. He laughs at himself. We're gonna give it up for Steven Husak. Here we go. Hi there, everybody. I kind of feel like the whole world is going out of its way to make me feel like more of an asshole than I really am. A perfect example is the fact that there's a fire extinguisher at every single gas station in this state.

That's ridiculous. That's putting an unrealistic goal on my heroism. I can't fucking do that. Like, even if I set the fire, I'm going to look down on it, make eye contact with you, and I'm cheesing it. I'm done. I mean, like, maybe like a really nice whistle on a peg, you know, just like, I'll give it a couple of blows, maybe two, because I'm kind of out of shape and I need that to get away from the fire. I'm actually from Indiana originally. I just came here.

I realized Ohio is pretty much just like an older version of us. Like you guys gave it a shot. It looks like shit. They just moved over to Indiana, started a new city. Steven Lussac! Wow! You think you was the dirt farmer tonight. You're digging yourself into a deeper hole there. Over and over again. These things started going bad and all of a sudden you're like, you know what, fuck your steak, I'm an Indian and we're a little bit better than you!

Holy shit, Stephen. We're the smallest amount. Oh my god, well I love that you took a break from doing musical theater tonight to come do a dance. So what happens? You do musical theater, you get a degree, and then you start doing stand-up. So there's something very backstage Broadway theater about you. I'm guessing you know how to sing, am I right? No, I actually don't know how to sing at all, but shamefully enough I have worked theater plays and shit. Golf course, theater, you see what goes on here? So if you can't sing, you want a stage crew?

Pretty much. I'm actually, my job is actually being a welder, weirdly enough. I know I don't look it, but... Oh, a welder, huh? Yeah, you just gale and weld shit. Just kidding. We've got a lot of self-lappers here tonight. I like it. Everyone I work with is like 40, so yeah, I kind just kidding, we've got a lot of self-laughers here tonight, I like it.

Everyone I work with is like 40, so yeah, I kinda do, just kinda like chuckle and wail and shit while listening to you guys. Oh yeah, I love it, I love it. I love your look too, you look like Justin Bieber after he tries heroin for the first time. Like, even the way you just laugh, like you're like a theater pal. I'm a theater pal! With my head on the thingy, you know. the way you just laughed, like you're like a theater pal. I can't do it. Ow! Was it like it? I think it is. You're so musical, Peter. You're killing me. No, it's just who you are. Just own it.

Be Cain Langevin about it. It's like a dip between your ass feets and fucking do it. Clean the blood out of your ass. I don't know why. That would be a great laugh. So Steve... He says that straight head back laugh. I don't know why that would be a great vibe. He does this straight head back laugh thing. I know. He's like an old magician at a kids party. He's like, hey, here we go.

Why do you laugh like you're a pen dispenser? Or an old Asian. I'm uncomfortable. I don't know what to do with my hands. I just keep doing weird things. Sorry. I love it. Steven. So, when's the last time that you ate at a guy? Alright, that's never again learning. The old clown line. Okay, Brian? We've all sent you eight of them, dude.

I've never ate out of dude at all. I mean, like, I know my sweater kind of applies it, but... Your sweater? Yeah. Your sweater? It's a dark sweater, why wouldn't you be like, oh I like to be warm and have butt sex? No, that's just, why would we look at your sweater and think, like, sucking cock? I'm a little weirdo, so I like, like this is a very... How do we tell if there's cum on your sweater? Oh shit.

Oh, he just did it again. He doesn't even realize now. He's actually in the office. Oh, damn! You're like standing up Flashdance. It's the funniest laugh ever. You only could have gotten that either by having a history in like theater, musical theater, or if you listened to a lot of comedy while getting into car accidents. It's an incredible laugh.

Big Cloud fan. Whiplash over here. Steven, so what's your story? How old are you? I'm 24. Fuck yeah. A lot of young people on this one tonight. This is exciting. Where do you live? I'm just north of Indianapolis. I drove here just for this. Why are you shitting on Ohio, by the way?

How did everybody here is from Indiana tonight? I think they had cars. Why from Indiana? Tell Tony. We're in Indiana. There's like no one to shit on except the people right next to us that are pretty much us. Maybe go the other way or whatever's on the other side. It's Chicago. They can beat us up a little. I think it's a little bit so high. What do you guys think about Indiana?

I mean, it's... You guys run in water, you know. We go to Indianapolis once a year. We perform at the... I like the air electric, you know. I like the small service. I go there once a year, but it's one of the only gigs that I ever just do, literally just for the money.

Every other city has something where I'm like, fuck yeah, here we go, Nashville's cool, and everywhere else. Does everyone clean themselves in the Madison River? Do you have baths and showers? Yeah, we do our best, but no, yeah. No, really, why would... You're so happy! Does somebody have their finger up your ass right now? And you just can't tell?

He's doing this! He's doing this! It's amazing! I'm just really, really excited to be here, man. I just... I listen to you guys like every day. That's so great. I love that. It's crazy.

We only put out an episode once a week, but that's pretty impressive. I'm pretty sure you're listening to different things. Who thinks he's on Howard Stern right now? I listen to you every day. You know, the morning drive, 7 a.m. Oh, shit. So, day, you know, the morning drive, 7am. Oh, shit. So, Steven, you're 24. You live just north of Indianapolis.

What do you do for work? I'm actually a welder. Well, the most boring thing. I weld bus seats for kids and, like, construction equipment and shit. Bus seats for kids? Yeah. Like, school bus seats. That's how I would say that for me.

So... Hey Mr. Can you weld me a school bus? So he's a welder. This is what I do for work. I weld things for school kids. He's a welder. He moves like a girl in Flashdance. Oh wait, you're right!

Yeah, damn. You do know how to dance or something crazy. I can't dance at all. This is bullshit! You are so musical theater, but you don't know how to sing or dance. Yeah, it's a terrible combo. It's really, really bad. What are some roles that you've had in your theater past? I didn't have any roles. Pretty much my role was like

pull the cage out on stage for like a girl dressed up as a bird or something. That's about it. That is so depressing. That's not great. Did you pull the cage out just with your head? That's listening to you guys. I love it. If you just fell off stage there. Be careful.

I'm not going to be that good. So you are welding stuff for work. That's a pretty good thing. They have a union and stuff, right? Oh no, I'm in one of the few places that doesn't have unions. What is this guy? I'm in musical theater. I've never had a role.

I don't know. I don't really. Just drifting around in Indiana, man. I've never had a role. I don't know. I don't know, really. Just drifting around Indiana, man. I love it. I love it. Well, any day now, you're going to be male prostituting. And Trucker is going to take you

on a ride of your life. That would be incredible. He's just going to pull you by your hair from behind, and your head's already going to be completely black.. He's just gonna pull you by your hair from behind and your head's already gonna be completely black. And he's just not gonna know what to do with you. Steven, last kind of crazy porn that you Googled. Last kind of crazy... Alright. If we're gonna be real, someone had told me that there was Avatar porn and I had to look at it for myself. Did you come on Avatar porn?

I did because it was just, it was poor quality. You couldn't come. Someone could say that the Avatar porn gave you blue balls. Yeah, rarely do you get to leave good blue balls to yourself. I did like Avatar, the in the air for it to happen. So, Steven, what's your big goal? What are you going to do? Do you mostly stand up in Indianapolis? Yeah, I've only done it like maybe six times. I mean, I did it because I listened to this podcast.

So I was like, if I don't just break out a flop sweat, like I did better than most. But obviously not. It seems like he was like rehearsed. Like he was kind of polished. Like he was a little tiny bit polished. Like do you do it like over and over in the mirror? Do you do it like line-wise? Like you write it out like I say? No, weirdly enough I don't...

Do you do it in the mirror and you have one mirror on the ceiling so you can see yourself in it? That was a good one! Back to the show! No, I don't rehearse a lot. I have like bulletin points and I basically just go out. Every time I tell a joke, I tell it differently really. Steven, it was nice to meet you. Thank you. Fucking nice.

Keep listening. Keep on stand up. We got a bow for everybody. Yeah, give us your good fucking gator bow that you never had to give before. Wow! Look at that. Steven just gave you that. I got so bored of him that I pulled another name out of the bucket.

Everyone come around the camera. Don't go through. I got so bored with him at the end there that I pulled another name out of the bucket while he was still on stage. Ah, very rarely do I do that. No, I'm kidding. Great stuff, Steven.

Nice to meet you. I wish I could do one more. What's amazing about this is the name I just pulled out of the bucket was in the bucket for last night. You ready for this crazy show? And he was in the bucket for last night in Pittsburgh. And I pulled his name out, and he wasn't there because his girlfriend passed out. And so we talked to him from the hospital and he killed last night in Pittsburgh.

Put your hands together for Joe Sutter. I was having sex with this girl and in the heat of the moment she said, I want to feel you come deep inside of me I said since we're talking about feelings how do you feel about being a single mother I feel like I'm under an enormous amount of pressure and I know from you people you're great probably from the beer I chugged to work

up the nerve to get here I could go to the bathroom but what's another urinary tract infection at least this time it's not coming from a cheap hooker. I'm into older chicks. Oh my God, I can't even, the Pittsburgh thing's got me shook a little bit. You know, things get in your way when you like want to do something and you feel like it's destiny. And then I get a call at the hospital and everything and I come down to the show and I get there late at night and I'm introduced to the most beautiful woman on the world. Toni, I'm in love with your mother. Yeah.

I'll be a great step-mother. I'll be a great step-mother. I'll reach out to my other daughter and I'll be off the house. Come in. All right. Joe, how's it going? Welcome to the show. Joe Clemmers, everybody.

Making a weird mess at the end. I feel like about halfway through that set it felt like it seemed like Holly Holm kicked you in the side of the head. It seemed like you just stocked your material and went into some weird shit. Did you not have any more material and went into some weird shit. Did you not have any more material? No. I can do... How long do we go? No, it's true. Right now. You already... No, I know. I'll tell you what I'm about.

Do you genuinely want to fuck my 65 year old mother? Is it genuinely an option? Don't tease me. I'm just saying... Do you want to talk about real life stuff? I play it all great. I didn't even ask you that. You didn't do it? How do you know that I'm gonna saying, do you want to talk about room porn? I didn't even ask you that. How do you know that I'm not asking that? Sometimes I ask everybody else. I honestly don't want to know what kind of porn you jerk off to.

I'm guessing it's some kind of fucking like burn the spoon... Spoon porn. Yeah, burn Spoon porn. Joe, you seem like a pretty nice, strong guy. What do you do for work? Uh, I work... I work third shift in a shop. It's a horrible job.

What kind of shop? Injection molding with liquid metal. You can get, like, burned and shit, which is bad, because if I get burned, I have to piss the next to him that's not good third shift is that like the night shift? night shift 11 to 7 wow

generating molten yeah like the machine does it and then a robot dips it and then it's hot still and Redman has a boner I fall asleep through it he does not so last night you want to talk about last night you want to talk about last night? You want to talk about last, or two nights ago? Yeah. You want to talk about it?

I'm going to walk her right home. She probably doesn't want to talk about it. Really? Was she upset at you? She, no, she didn't, she didn't make it. She went to work the next day, she's fine. She was really embarrassed. You gave her a pot brownie. Is that what happened? Or did you eat the pot brownie? I didn't make it. No, no. The story of the pot brownie is fucked up. My friend's all organic and shit, and the pot brownies get fucked up to begin with, and then he makes it an organic pot of... Oh, fuck. You want to tell everyone what happened? Oh yeah, we sort of explained it already.

So, Joe, you're an interesting character. You drove all the way down here from where? Erie, Pennsylvania. Wow, holy shit. After going to Pittsburgh, this was supposed to be happening in Pittsburgh, and then I didn't even know you were here, but we're close. But then you got on in Pittsburgh. He actually killed from the hospital hallway after his girlfriend passed out. We decided to call him because his friend said that he went to the hospital with his girlfriend.

So we called him, put him on speakerphone live on the podcast, which you can listen to. It's the episode before this one. So whatever the fuck. I can't believe I had a signal. They were taking X-ray pictures and I can't believe I had a signal right there, right next to that room. Right. And you killed there, but in real life, you bombed your ass off. It was pretty impressive. You are so much funnier over the phone than you are in real life, you bombed your ass off. It was pretty impressive. You are so much funnier over the phone than you are in real life. You knew I was going to say that? That's his thing. Everyone's been telling me that lately. Way better on speaker

phone than on the phone. I love it. We've got to start this comedy show, so we better bring up one last person, but we've got up one last person. We gotta get to it. Show, anything else? You were talking about porno. I got in trouble one time. What time about porn? I was married for ten years. I got an ex. She's crazy. But she caught me. She looked up a porno after I did a move on her. She saw it in that move and she got all flipped out because I took the move from a porno.

What was the move? I put my foot on her head while getting us from behind. She was fucking stupid freaky. Oh, God. You put your foot on her head while hitting it from behind? That's not her head. Oh, that's just insulting. That's just very wrong.

What did you do? What did you do? What did you do to me? What did you do? This vampire, I feel like he's gonna step on my head and suck my blood. Does that turn you into a gilak? That's a kind of thing. Why is that the go-to question here? What was the last porn you watched? The last porn I watched I think was...

I think it was... I really don't know. Solo masturbation of a man out back on the... Alright, yeah. That's what it was. Out back on the Walmart on Christmas night. I actually have masturbated twice during this show tonight. That's why I have to keep the table in front of me. So, fuck yeah.

Joe, anything else? What drug are you on right now? I'm prescribed one medication online. You're prescribed crystal meth? Joe, we're running out of time. You gotta go. Love you, Joe. Joe Summers, everybody. There he goes.

He got on both episodes somehow. I'm not sure. What was my goal? 10 o'clock show. Oh, what a treat. Oh, it's only... Oh my god. Holy shit. Oh, okay. Oh, perfect. Great. Extra long episode of this, I guess. Alright.

Period. Here's your final comedian of the night. He's been being built over three years from us here around the Death Squad. Put your hands together for him, everybody. Your very own Will Moore, everybody. Come on. Your final comedian of the night. Thank you. I'm sorry. I did that. Oh, God damn it. Okay, I'll tell a joke now.

I walked into a bar recently, and there was a homeless guy in the corner asking for change. Of course, told him I didn't have any. To which my friend was like, you know you don't have to talk to him, right? You don't have to deal with their bullshit. And I was like, oh, you mean their living bullshit? He's like, yeah, that one.

And I was like, oh, you mean their living bullshit? He's like, yeah, that one. What he said to me was, hands in your pockets, look straight ahead. You don't even have to talk to them. So I have great news, you guys. The homeless aren't real people. Never had a family or a job or loved ones. We're like stray cats, really.

Actually started carrying around a spray bottle when they asked me for change. It was a little something like this. Hey man, you got 80 cents? No, I don't. Spray, spray. Thank you for your service. Fuck yeah, there he is again. Will Moore.

Ben. Will, you look amazing. Oh, thank you. I love your style. You're, like, glowing tonight. Oh, is it the lights? Oh, no, it's just being nice. I love it when I actually give a compliment.

People are like, what's the catch, asshole? I was like, no, I'm serious? That's not a joke I normally tell, but Tony is the friend in that story. Oh, I am? Wait, I don't even know what story you told. I wasn't paying attention. That's alright, no one else was either. No, wait, what did you say? I missed it. Oh, we were walking into the ice house and there was the homeless guy asking for change. Oh, I do remember the story. You don't have to deal with their bullshit.

Yeah, that's right. I tell everybody. Because, I mean, you know, Ohio, Indiana people or whatever come to L.A. You're smothered at certain points because there's touristy places with homeless people that wait for tourists to come by, not L.A. natives, not people that have actually lived there for a few years because we're used to it. We know you don't have to give homeless people anything. Whereas you guys, the tourists, when you're out there will give a couple bucks

because you're having so much fun because you're on vacation and you feel bad for them. But you don't realize they're getting a couple bucks every 45 seconds. And you just walked by right then. And they're making like $75 an hour. So anyway, I told Will not to give homeless people money. No, see, it's different. See how that got an odd here? That wouldn't get an odd in that way. Fuck the homeless!

They're just lazy idiots. They're really not victims at all. Like, you're taught to believe here in Ohio. I'm from here. They train you. They teach you weird shit here. It's not true. Homeless people are just fucking lazy, alright? Anyway. What else is going on in life?

How long have you been on stand-up now? Just over two years. Just over two years, so I've exaggerated. I'm also 19, not 17. 19, not 17. That's what I'm confused about. I met you when you were 17. You've been doing stand-up two years.

That's fun. You go gigs in Cincinnati, here, LA, all around. Indianapolis, when I knew Crackers, you'd go with that for me a couple times. She can say that. Yeah. Anyway. What else, Will?

Anything else? What's the name of your podcast? My podcast is The Needles Cast on iTunes and Stitcher, but my friend just wrote a podcast and we weren't done at all. He wrote a podcast? How the fuck do you write a podcast? You're doing it wrong. Wait a second, I didn't give a strip for this shit. Anyway, Will, we love you. Great stuff. We'll see you on the whole fest. Will Gordy. Anyway, Will, we love you. Great stuff. We'll see you at our little fest. Will Kaur, everybody.

What do you guys think? Who do you think was the best tonight? Who did you guys like the most out of everybody? Will? Bill what? Will Bill? Bill what? Will Bill? Needle?

The handjob. Mr. Creepy Hands. Creepy Hands, yeah. Where's Creepy Hands at? Hey, Creepy Hands, you want to open up for us tonight? Creepy Hands, we're meeting you.

We'll see you in the show in like 20 minutes. And you love us. Bye-bye. See you guys. Tell Tony, we did it. Ashley Barnhill,. Ashley Barnhill. What Ashley Barnhill.

Aaron Kleiber. Aaron Kleiber. See them live. Come see us live. We're going to do a stand-up show in like a few minutes. So we need to wear those for a little bit. We'll be right back. you you you you you you you you you you you you you you