KILL TONY - KILL TONY #134

Episode Date: December 22, 2015

Stephen Glickman, Jesus Trejo, Melissa Eslinger, Tony Hinchcliffe, Josh Martin, Melissa Eslinger, Brian Redban - Date: 12/07/2015 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony here at DeathSquad.TV. Huge news guys, if you live in Texas, oh your holiday season just got an upgrade. Me and Tony Hinchcliffe are bringing Kill Tony to Austin and Dallas. December 26th we'll be in Austin at the Spider House Ballroom. It's going to be Kill Tony at 8pm.m., followed by a comedy show at 10.30 p.m., and whoever is the best local comic that we choose from Kill Tony gets to open up for us at the comedy show. Now, that's December 26th, the day after Christmas in Austin, but then the day after that, December 27th, we'll be in Dallas doing the same thing at Hyena's Comedy Club.

That'll be Kill Tony at 7.30 p.m. followed by a comedy show at 9.30 p.m. You get tickets by going to DeathSquad.tv and clicking on tour dates. And don't forget, we're always, every Monday, at the Comedy Store in the Belly Room doing Kill Tony. Every Tuesday, we have the have the roast battle which is the verbal violence the very popular roast battle every tuesday night in the belly room and every friday we have the ice house comedy show and that's at the ice house in pasadena all these can be found by going to death squad.tv and clicking on tour dates the new death squad shirt is in stock and it ships this week.

If you haven't ordered Taco Cat, there's a few left. Go to shopsquad.tv for all the official Death Squad merchandise. And don't forget to go to Tony Hinchcliffe's website, TonyHinchcliffe.com, for all the news and information about the Golden Pony himself, Tony Hinchcliffe. All right, guys. Here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony

Live! Hey, this is Brad Bannon coming to you live from the real famous comedy store for a brand new episode of Kill Tony Volume 3. Give it up for Tony Hinchcliffe! Hi everybody! Comedy Store for a brand new episode of Kill Tony, Volume 3. Give it up for Tony Hinchcliffe. Hi, everybody. Keep it going for Avery Pearson, everyone. He's on Twitter at Avery is funny.

Fuck yeah. Hi, everyone. This is like a real show. Hello to the thousands and thousands watching the live streaming podcast. And hello and hello to the tens and tens packed in this room here tonight. Feels good in here. How you doing, live audience? Make some noise for that.

Make some noise so that people don't notice. Jesus. So that people don't notice when you drop a $700 microphone on its head. You almost can't even tell with the fun energy in this room. Fuck yeah. Brian Redman is here, ladies and gentlemen. Hey, guys. And we have an exciting announcement

How about this Merry Christmas to you Austin Texas Kill Tony is coming December 26 Yeah we're doing two shows Just like we did in Ohio We're doing Kill Tony followed by a comedy show So if you're a local comic Sign up early so you can get on the show

Cause we're doing it live again Live from the Spider House Ballroom in Austin, Texas. It's Kill Tony and then we do stand-up comedy. So that's December 26th. So if you live in Austin and you're listening to the podcast, now's the best time to buy tickets before it sells out like we did in Pittsburgh and Columbus last weekend. That's right, people.

The show that you're at right now sells out on the road. And you're at its home field, Yankee Stadium, right here people. The show that you're at right now sells out on the road. And you're at its home field, Yankee Stadium, right here tonight. This is exciting. These are always the most fun ones. This is our little jerk off closet this room is. Hey, can we make an announcement, guys?

Tony Hinchcliffe is back on the meat wagon. He ate meat for his first time. Why are you making this announcement? Because he has been a vegetarian for five years, and last week we went to Fogo de Chão, and he ate 22 different kinds of meat. And fun fact, I've had a steak every day since then. I just keep going to Whole Foods and buying a steak,

and then I make it. I'm serious. Cyborg Foods and buying a steak. Yes. And then I make it. I'm serious. Cyborg, he's almost ready. I had steak and hash browns today for breakfast, and I did some curls and some presses with my new free weights that I bought. Like a little yoga mat. And can I still eat meat and have a yoga mat? Yeah, absolutely.

Okay, cool. Yeah, no, life is good. That's great. Do you feel different? Do you feel like you have more energy? No, I feel like I've been on a drug since I started eating red meat again. It's fun. It's almost like some kind of weird, I don't know, I feel it. I feel that blood. Yeah. Was there any kind of meat that you've had in the last week that was like, oh shit, no, I really miss that the most. I'm not kidding. I've just been eating the same steak. I go across the street to Whole Foods and I just keep buying

steaks over, I buy them fresh that day. And then I bring it back, cook it like a fucking man. That's right. You know, going across the street and buying a bag of cauliflower just isn't the same. Something about cooking. I think one of the best things he said to me also

was, he's like, I thought in the last few years, vegan food has actually gotten better. Actually, it was that he just forgot how good every year, he just forgot how good steak was a little bit more. Yeah, that's what happened. Anyway, enough about what I put in my

brilliant, brilliant body. Let's keep this fun train moving along. Right now, our artist, our house artist is sitting here. And he has a blank sheet of paper. And he has started drawing tonight's episode. At the end, those prints are available online at ryanjebelt.com. Put your hands together for Ryan J. E. Belt, ladies and gentlemen. House artist.

Draws every episode. And fun fact, rumor has it that since he's from texas and he's going to be home for christmas that he will be in attendance in austin december 26th fuck yeah at the spider house ballroom you see how you just keep driving those plugs in until the people listening to the podcast call their friends that they know live in austin and let them know that a great show's coming the fuck's up ill? Ill Vibe in the middle of the room, one of Canada's smartest people and one of the most amazing artists.

What's up? Fuck yeah. I never give shout-outs to the middle of the room like that, but it's fun to see you. Anyway, let's fucking get this party started, shall we? It's Kill Tony, and every episode I always have two of the funniest comedians, two of my best pals that are available on the show.

And this week is no different. Why did that get a weird laugh? Because it was a weird asterisk kind of thing you just said. What? Because you were like, I gave my... All right, all right. Anyway, two of my funniest friends, two of the best comedians.

Put your hands together for Stephen Glickman and Jesus Trejo, everybody. Yeah! Yeah! Stephen Glickman, Broken Foot, Jesus Trejo. We saw some of your work earlier. I love that. Welcome back, guys. Thanks for having me.

Great work earlier, buddy. Yeah. It was great work. And fuck you and your asterisks, man. I heard that. Welcome back, guys. Thanks for having me. Great work earlier, buddy. It was great work. And fuck you and your asterisks, man. I heard that. Yeah, what kind of fucking bullshit is that asterisk? You guys, the comedians gave this weird double laugh. Like, it's like... Well, I couldn't see you, but it sounded like you were doing this.

The air quotes. One of my funniest friends. Funniest friends. Fuck you, Tony. Well, you know... Assholes. I mean, Flickman... We've known each other for a long time. Yeah. We you, Tony. Well, you know, I mean, Flickman, we've known each other for a long time.

Yeah, we worked here. And now you're a hit TV star on Nickelodeon's Big Time Rush. I'm a celebrity. You guys are on like season 23 or something. No, we're not. We're canceled. But that's all right. Really?

Yeah, we're done. That show's been canceled for like a good two years. A year and a half. You didn't know that? It's good that we're so close. It's really nice. But since then, you may have seen me as a- Two of my closest friends. Brought out the horse of truth on me.

Jesus. I got to play Adam Devine's gay boyfriend on Workaholics on the finale last season. Really? That was pretty cool. I got to play Adam Divine's gay boyfriend on Workaholics on the finale last season. Really? That's pretty cool. I got to lay with him shirtless. By the looks... There it is. The party horn. Bringing the sex. It looks like... I figured you were

playing the new odd job in the Bond movie. This attire tonight. That hat is a weapon. I'm really trying to pull this hat off. It's not working. No, you should pull that hat off in a different way.

Put it on a hook. I look like I ate Joey Fatone. This is a bad look. Yeah, you look like Joey Calzone. Joey Calzone. County. It needs like a fake bird on it or something like that. Does anyone here have a fake bird?

Does anybody have a tiny miniature bird we can just borrow for the show? Laney, do you have one? Looks like you're reaching for something. She might have a fake bird. She's opening her legs. I will put that. That's a bat, Laney. That's a bat. have a fake bird. She's opening her legs. That's a bat, Lainey. That's a bat. We need a bird.

Well, here we are. We're having fun. Two of the funniest guys in the world. You guys have both been on this show before, so it's always fun to have return guests. So, let's get this party started. Audience, you probably know how it works. If you don't, we talk to stand-up comedians

after they do 60 seconds of stage time. Comedians, you know your 60 seconds is up when you hear the sound of a kitty. Aw. Aw.

Better wrap it up then or else you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. Oh, my. Okay. Sounds like Glickman's hungry God damn Glickman

You're definitely going to blow these speakers One of these times That's true Three of my best friends I love it That is true. Three of my best friends. I love it. Let's get this party started. Audience, are you ready?

Jonathan Boyer is the first comedian. Oh no, Jonathan Boyer just missed his spot. You know what that means. He's dead. It's true. He's now dead. Put your hands together for Lindsay Jennings, no. I've got to keep on moving. Because you're gonna break my style. I'm gonna move.

What's up? So, I went on a potentially life-changing audition this summer to become a stripper. So, I didn't know there was going to be an audition. I'm pretty sure that's just an L.A. thing, though, because, you know, there's so many beautiful girls here and failed dreams. I always thought it would be like a last resort thing,

you know, like worst-case scenario, I'll become a stripper. So I didn't get the gig. So I'm not sure what that makes me. I failed at the one job that people who fail at life can get, so I'm a failed failure. Feels pretty good. Some people say L.A. is also like a place where it's really easy to be a transgender. I beg to differ.

I think that the easiest place to be transgender is probably the Middle East because all you gotta do is throw a burk on and you're a woman. Just cover up, you know. Easy. There you go. 60 seconds of Lindsay Jennings. Fuck yeah. So that's fun. How long have you been in stand-up? Two months. Nice.

Is that true that you had to audition to be a stripper? Yeah. Wow. What did you have to do? You know, you just have to get up there for like five minutes and dance on the fucking stage. Is it just a small room of like the people that work there judging you? No, no. It was like super ghetto.

And it's crazy, too, because I got hired to like throw hundreds at girls there recently. I mean, singles, hundreds of singles. That's a job? Yeah. Wait, how much did you get paid for that? I would like to get that job. Yeah. You know, it's fucked up, too, because, like...

Fuck Nickelodeon. I'm the making it rainer. Yeah, I was the making it rainer. Because it was, like, for this weed company that was having a party there. So it was just, like, a girl that, like, had to dress hot and, like, throw singles on girls. And they gave me like $300 in singles. I only got paid like $100 but I could have pocketed some and I didn't.

Yeah. Bullshit. But one of my friends strips there. That's why I auditioned there. So I give them all to her. You know it used to be that tattoos kept you from acting fucking stripping too I guess. No. No I think I just failed you know. Oh damn. Well get back up there. you know what I mean?

Just do it on the street. Just do it on the street until someone gives you a job. That's what I say. Grab life by the pumps and get back up there, man. Good idea. That's interesting. But I get the feeling that you've gotten, like, is it always an audition? For strip clubs?

Yeah. I don't think so i think like in the more like rural rural areas probably not so much but here there is a lot of you know beautiful girls with failed dreams so you know hollywood boulevard somebody should just bring one of those portable stripper poles and just strip not get naked but just strip you'll probably make the most tips available absolutely maybe dress up like as like snoopy or something while you do brian i love this idea uh that you're blatantly pitching for your own entertainment. Hey, you know what?

I have an idea. Maybe you should set up a pool on my front lawn and just dance there. See what happens. I bet somebody will drive by, beep, and throw some money out the window. Come to my practice porch. Practice porch. So, Lindsay, how do you make your money? What do you do for a living?

Right now I work at a weed shop. Nice. So I sell weed. Oh, yeah. And, you know, Instagram. We talked about this last time. I don't know if you remember me. She actually started, her first set was on a Death Squad show in the main room.

Oh, I remember this. She followed Steve-O. And by the way, we have one Wednesday, so it's going to be great. Hopefully, Burt Kreischer. So it's going to be nice. Yeah, Wednesday here live. Uh-huh. So wait, do you make a lot of money off Instagram?

Is that fun? Sometimes. I mean, sometimes I just get free shit and I promote it. Like, I got these pants for free. That's pretty great. Did you get the face tattoo for free? Fuck you. She pants for free. That's pretty great. Did you get the face tattoo for free? Fuck you. She paid for that.

I actually got it for $13, though. But not because... Well, it looks like you got it for $14. It's a terrific investment. It was like a loophole because it was Friday the 13th and they do $13 tattoos. And I was like,

oh, wait, give me my face tattoo for $13 to my friend. It wasn't like. Yeah. But it was kind of. When you want to get a discount, definitely tattoos is the way to go. Listen, I know better than anybody about that. All right. You look great.

Is the haircut $13 too? Or no? Oh, Jesus. It wasn't that bad. But like the Molly, the cocaine and the alcohol might have had something to do with it. What's your favorite tattoo out of all of them? It looks like you have a lot. Probably my Chucky.

Whoa. That is a real creepy Chucky head. Chucky's the one that always fucked me up as a kid. Me too. That's why I have him tattooed on my neck. You could be like the suicide girl of comedy. Have you ever thought of that? I am a suicide girl. Is that what it is? Well then fucking congratulations

on that. What's a suicide girl? You don't know what that is? We get naked on the internet. It'd be cool. It's like hot girls like her covered in tattoos doing cool stuff. Being cool. What's being cool? Maybe our cools are different. you think that hats cool you can come to

my practice porch you and me on the practice I like the idea that you have that Chucky tattoos like when you're fucking you you get to see a dead baby at the same time that's baby it was a doll wasn see a dead baby at the same time. He wasn't a dead baby. It was a doll. Wasn't a dead baby inside the doll? No. That was some creepy grown man inside the doll. Charles Lee Ray.

Come on, Redman. I have a better tattoo for when people are having sex with me for them to see. Please, what do you have? Freddy Krueger. No. Slippery when wet.

Yes. Magically delicious. Hey! That was my first tattoo. Glickman has that same tattoo above his refrigerator. I knew we would be perfect stripping partners. Man, that tattoo would suck during a yeast infection

though, right? Yeah. What did you do? That reminds me of the first time I got a gynecologist exam. You had a yeast infection and she said something about that tattoo? What are you, the predictor?

Yeah, I would be the psychic. The pussy reader. exam. And you had the yeast infection and she said something about that tattoo? What are you, the predictor? The psychic? The pussy reader. I didn't have the tattoo yet, but I was in pain, so I ended up going to the hospital and I was having sex with my boyfriend. I was like 15 and my mom came home. I was in pain, whatever. She brought me to the

hospital with my boyfriend. That's when she found out that I was actively having sex. And there was actually this hot dude who was the doctor and he was like, do you want me to do your exam or do you want a woman to do it? And I was like, oh, I'll have a woman do it. One hand or two. But the woman ended up being like this crazy redneck dyke

and she was like, oh, it looks like a yeast infection. Smells like one too. Oh, Jesus. Well, now you have another five minutes. That's great. You can use that. I thought about that. Took the opportunity to plug that joke in there.

You seem like you're coming along really fast for only doing it two months and stuff like that. How many times a week do you say you get up? I tried to take your advice last time, not move around so much. I've been minimum getting up once a week. I do a bunch of other shit, but I try to get up three times a week at least and just write every day.

That's great. That's great. There's a big difference between how you're talking to us now and we're all having fun and sort of like the show that you were putting on before. If you try to be more conversational, you're going to come across as even more likable.

And when you're likable, you could talk about those types of subjects that you're talking about, because a lot of audiences are tight, weird, judgy. So especially this one here tonight. If I can. No, I'm kidding. It's a great crowd. Is that eyebrow tattoo or marker?

I drew it on, but like I put the green on, but I have like a neutral color tattooed on because I just have scarce eyebrows. You do? Ah, scarce. Scarce. Kind of like you. What the fuck?

Wait a second. Nobody's ever told me that I have scarce eyebrows before. We all talk about it. Back of the room, can you see his eyebrows? Well, luckily I know a place where I could get $4 tattoos do you ever change your you know look you know like sometimes you look a little bit more angry or happier like I think my emotions come out of my eyebrows when I draw them on so every now and then yeah yeah you ever get shocked ones tattooed on?

I wouldn't get them tattooed on, but I might draw them on. I like to do special effects makeup. Do you know Dr. Roxo from Metalocalypse? What the fuck? He knows. He's the shit. I do cocaine. Ka-ka-ka-ka. Wow.

I was in for Halloween, so he has pretty big eyebrows and a giant clown face. Awesome. That was a great story. Yeah, that's not another five minutes. You're a great person. Well, Lindsay, it was so nice meeting you. Fuck yeah. For the second time.

For the second time, sure. He didn't remember me. Welcome back to the show, Lindsay. Any parting words for Lindsay, guys? Stay true to yourself. Don't stop believing. And get back up there. Are these all Journey songs that you're naming right now?

Yeah. Get back up there. Don't stop believing. Lindsay, I had you on last week's show, but you didn't show up. I didn't tell you you didn't tell me I know I forgot but so you want to do this

there's an audition for to be on the next show yeah come to my practice porch on his porch are you gonna be there I will be there as long as you're there

I'll be in a bush taking pictures but it'll be we'll get the face tattoo beforehand you'll see that you'll see the hat sticking out above the bush that creepy creepy hat Lindsay oh wait again this is fucked up the comedy rap battle You'll see the hat sticking out above the bush. That creepy, creepy hat.

Lindsay. Oh, wait. Again, this is fucked up. The comedy rap battle got postponed to this Friday. So now, again, I can't do it this Friday because comedy rap battle is here this Friday. Wow, you're doing rap battles, huh? Yeah. You don't remember.

Lindsay, it was nice meeting you. Have a good night. Lindsay Jennings, everybody. Lindsay! She's on Twitter. Lindsay Jennings. All one word. Ends with a Z.

Lindsay Jennings with a Z. She's also on a couple other websites. I'm sure she is. Badtattoos.com. Oh. Oh, come on. I didn't know it was still on. She didn't even hear it. It's okay. She didn't hear it. She didn't hear it. She didn't hear it. She on She didn't even hear it

She didn't hear it She won't listen to the podcast Put your hands together for your next comedian Sarah Albritton In town from Chicago It says Sarah Albritton What's up

Guys I recently had my first one-on-one experience with a lady. I met her at a party. She was talking to one of my friends, and she points at me across the room and says, I'm going to go home with that girl. She Babe Ruth me. He called a shot. She called her twat. And it was really flattered.

And so I took her home with me, but when it came down to the sex, I wasn't sure when it was supposed to end. Because when you have sex with a guy, there's a very clear end point. There's a very clear stopping point where no more fun can be had. At least not without a 30-minute break

and some coconut water. Am I right? But I wasn't sure it's like a quota I got to meet is five orgasms enough to have to go for 10. It's like a scoreboard to keep in the back of the bed. Honey, you've had 10 orgasms. I've had 12. Let me get down there and give you two more. It's like, I got out of her.

She goes out of me. We finger, we scissor, we finger, we scissor. I got out of her. She goes out of me. Down, down, finger, scissor,. We scissor. I got on her. She goes out of me. Down, down, finger, scissor, finger, scissor. Down, down, down, down, finger, scissor, scissor, finger. Down, down, down, down, finger, scissor, finger, scissor. Down, down, rock, paper, scissor, shoot.

Having sex with a girl is exhausting. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. That bear comes out of nowhere. You looked terrified when that happened. That was amazing. Sarah, nice to meet you. Welcome. Hello. Thank you. It's so... When you first came up, I'm like, wow,

what a transition from Lindsay Jennings, you know, this wholesome girl. I never would have guessed it all would have ended with scissor, scissor, fuck, fuck. Wow. But there you are. So it literally says on this piece of paper

in town from Chicago. That's right. You write that on everything that you like. Is that like your dinner reservations? Like Albritton in town from Chicago for party of one? I heard it might help out

so I just thought I'd do it. Nice. What do you do in Chicago? I am a photographer. Oh. Boring. I know. Well, I also write and do comedy stuff. So I'm trying to make my full time thing.

I love that. How long have you been doing stand up for? I'm coming up on my two years. That's cool. What are you doing in LA? I'm checking. I did Funny Women's Fest LA this last weekend and then I decided to just stay a week, see what I think about it. Maybe I'll move here. There's a whole festival for funny women?

Yeah, there's a lot of us. Did you not know that? Really? Tony Dewey left out. Yeah, you know. He's eating meat now. I should be on it. Let's see how you look in the dress, and maybe you can apply. Where does this festival take place at? I.O. West.

Oh. The club? The improv club. Oh, in Chicago. I.O. West. I.O. West is the one in Los Angeles. On Hollywood Boulevard. Okay, gotcha.

Geez, stop getting snappy at me. Boy, you really have become a lesbian. Lesbians hate me. Oh, no, I'm bi. I'm not a lesbian. But you recently had your first experience? I did. I did.

That was a fun little thing. Did that jean vest have anything to do with it? I don't care what you say. This thing looks fucking good. It looks great to a lesbian. To be honest, I had a threesome before, but I never had just a one-on-one experience with a lady. I told that joke in front of my parents without any warning, actually.

And the first thing my dad said afterwards was, I thought you would have done that in college. Right. Which was kind of fun. So he was on to the assumption that you might be more into women? Or what do you think he means by that? He probably just thinks that I'm... My parents wouldn't be surprised by anything that I did, basically.

Why is that? Because I'm just like that. Like, I'll move. I'll go... I went to Cambodia by myself. You know, I'll go to, like... What was that about? What'd you do there?

I just... It's a bus. Oh, no. I don't think I would... Don't you fuck a lot of Cambodians? Just move the phones. I don't think I would touch Cambodian puss, but... Whoa, whoa.

Where's the racist rooster on that one? Racist. Oh, oh. I would not touch... Camb one. Racist. Oh. I would not touch that. Cambodians have feelings. Yeah. We have a lot of Cambodian listeners. Their Wi-Fi is banging there right now. I am so offended.

That's a terrible answer. Yeah. Can we get another racist rooster for Glickman's? I went for like Indian Africa. All right. Give me them. Do another Cambodian impression. That's East India.

I like the ging vest. There it is. So racist. Who fucked their shit under me? Oh my goodness. So Sarah, what do you do for work? I already told you, I do photography. No, but what do you really do for work?

Oh, okay. Well, I do freelance. I'll do head shots. I already told you. I do photography. No, but what do you really do for work? Oh, okay. Well, I do freelance. I'll do head shots. I do food photography. I just did a shoot for a commercial agency two weeks ago for Seattle's Best. That kind of stuff. Nice. Freelance.

F-stop. What? Nothing. Yeah, F-stop. Yeah, there you go. Is that your rap name? Your F-stop? Is that what you do? There's a couple photographers in the house. What other types of things do you talk about when you do stand-up? Well, I actually have narcolepsy, so I talk about that a lot.

Oh, really? It's a sleeping disorder. Oh, interesting. That's where you fall asleep randomly and that kind of thing. How often does that happen? Well, I mean, I fall. I usually take at least a couple naps a day. But like the falling down thing that they make fun of in movies,

that probably happens like once a month maybe. That has to be so funny. It is actually kind of. Yeah, it's a blast. I mean, it's a blast. It's like it's funny. It's funny when people haven't seen it happen before and they like freak out. You feel it coming enough that you can like, like get yourself ready

or does it kind of like you have to wear helmets on sometimes or no, I fall in a way that my body doesn't hurt myself. Uh, thankfully. And then people that know me really well, like could catch me like my ex boyfriend, he used to actually catch me, but he'd miss and i wonder if he did that on purpose are you allowed to drive uh yeah actually wow um hey guess where i'm never moving chicago uh they only ask you if you've had a seizure so yeah you lied to him she would be great for group building exercises catch me oh fuck thank man how long does are you usually out for like when you just like like like a couple seconds to a minute or something like that wow exercises. Catch me. Oh, fuck. Think fast. How long are you usually out for? Just like a couple seconds to a minute or something like that. Wow.

Really? Yeah. It sounds weird. It's not that big of a deal. Now, if it happens during sex... Oh, okay. People often ask me if it happens... Everybody's narcoleptic when they're fucking glickman.

I can't breathe! if I fall asleep during sex. Everybody's narcoleptic when they're fucking glickman. I can't breathe! Sometimes I fall asleep to get out of sex, you know, just to pretend. But I don't fall asleep any more than a normal girl during sex, you know. Interesting. So this lesbian experience, have you only been with one other woman? Well, I've been with two. I was with one and a threesome a couple years ago and then I was with this more recent girl.

Which one tasted better? Brian. What the fuck, man? Probably the more recent girl, I guess. Technology and shampoo and stuff. Okay. You're just saying words. She ate a lot of pineapples that day.

That's all I can say. Does that really help something? Actually, it does. Yeah, I know some girls that take pineapple pills just so that their stuff tastes dirtier. Wow. Learning stuff. Wow. That's like, are they all lesbians that do that?

No, no, they're straight. When I have a date and I want to hook up, I end up eating a lot of pineapple that day. Why the fuck not? You're popping pineapple cups. If you take a lot of zinc before sex, for a guy, it's a frothier load.

Oh, Jesus. Jesus Christ. I'm not sure if I've ever wanted to have a frothier load. That's a weird request. Trust me, after a while, just eating pussy all day gets boring. It's awesome to mix it up once in a while. Get a nice frier load. That's a weird request. Trust me, after a while, just eating pussy all day gets boring. It's awesome to mix it up once in a while. Get a nice frothy load. So you're bi, but do you see yourself

like, so how do you feel about, where do you think you're going to end up? Do you think you're ever going to get married? Are you 51, 49, a certain direction? No, I mean, I think I typically tend to date guys. You know, like that's just, but you know, girls are fun once in a while. I'll mix it up.

I don't know. Like I'm pretty laid back, pretty open. You know, it's a person I fall in love with, not the sex. Well, you'll do great in Hollywood. Sure, it's going to work out. I love it. Well, Sarah, thanks for coming on the show. It's nice to meet you.

Awesome. Nice to meet you guys too. When do you go back to Chicago? I go back on Wednesday, but I hope to visit back and maybe move here in like a year or so. There you go. Sarah Albritton, everybody. Great job. She's on Twitter at underscore Sarah Albritton.

A-L-B-R-I-T-T-O-N. All one word. Sarah Albritton. Sarah Albritton. Sarah Albritton. This is fun. How about Dave Labonte? Dave!

Dave Labonte! Dave! No Dave Labonte? Labonte? Somebody just fell out of their chair up there, everybody. How about that? The room? Wow, she just fell asleep.

Good one right here. Oh, my God. The dude with the beanie was like, Get your flickers out of her. Holy shit. All right. I pulled another name out of the bucket. How about Peter Garcia? Peter Garcia.

Hey! So being pregnant is kind of weird Not that I'm pregnant But it's kind of freaked me out The fact that I'm going to get my lady pregnant One of these days I mean it's just weird I heard that girls start lactating

Before they give birth Which is cool I mean I guess you could have sex And get hydrated at the same time But I mean There I guess you could have sex and get hydrated at the same time. But I mean, there's also a human growing inside of them. I also heard that they get sexually active more than they usually are. And I don't think I'm up for the challenge. Mainly because I don't want that to be my first threesome.

So I don't want my son coming up to me one of these days when we're having, like, a beer when he's older. He's just like, so what's the craziest, like, sexual experience you've had, Dad? Why didn't you tell me you were there? That's kind of weird. One of the most things that freak me out, though, is, like, the birth. I don't want to see the crowning. Like, I don't want to see any of that. I mean, that's just gross.

Like, I eat there. Like, I don't want to see the crowning. Like, I don't want to see any of that. I mean, that's just, it's gross. Like, I eat there. Like, I don't want to see that. Cool. Fuck yeah. Is that normally where that ends? Well, I mean, I've got a lot more. A lot more? Oh, yeah.

Well, that's like the middle part of what I talk about. A lot of that sounded like a confession. It is. It's fucking scary. Well, good for you. What are you? What am I? A man.

What's your nationality? Mexican. All the way Mexican? Yeah, dude. I got that Aztec blood in me. Gotcha. How long have you been doing comedy? This is my 10th time on stage.

Yeah, I've been on and off. You used to do one thing I used to do a lot when I started out, where you're here and you're so nervous, you just end up with all the cord here. Ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha. Can I get more cord, please? Well, I...

But I used to do that a lot. Yeah, it's habit, because I'm in a band too so when I have the mic I wrap it around my you seem like you'd be the lead singer is it a boy band? no no it's a man band it's a metal band

it's a metal band? can you give us one of the lyrics Like how you would sing it That's it First, second, and third song Don't overthink it, just let it rip I never say You need to do that in your act

You have to fucking put that in your act. Yeah. You have to fucking put that in your act. I've been writing it. It's just sometimes I feel like it's not going to be good, so I'm just like, I'm not going to use it. How do you write R? It's just R-A-W-W-W-W-W-W-R. It's the whole story around it, though. You build up the whole story, and then when you,

like you just did to us, when we finally hear it, there's a payoff there, especially if you have a good story backing it up at first perfect like the threesome joke i i it's funny but i've heard it a thousand times before that's like old hacky shit but but like shit like but that shit like that that right there no one's got that you know so really build how long you've been singing in uh in this band oh for a while for a long time. What's the name of the band? Son of Man. So one of the things that I love about

that kind of music is that you can understand what you're saying. Like, what did you just say? Like, I've never had, and I just said that. I've never had. Like that?

I've never had. Yeah. Like, how did you know that? I've never, yeah. Like, how did you know that that was your thing? Like, did you just start growling one day? Well, I started off playing the drums in bands like that. And then eventually I got tired of playing the drums. I'm just going to try and scream. And then I just went online and on YouTube.

Like, it just kind of, it's easier than singing. Oh, yeah, definitely. There's no question about that. and on YouTube like it just kind of it's easier than singing it's just oh yeah definitely about that singing is like a whole thing yeah which I can do also really but you know like figuring out how like funny things you can say in that voice is there's a lot of comedy there. Are there parts, because you just said you could sing, are there parts with this band where sometimes you bust out into like a Yeah.

Can you give us an example of that and then go back into the switchover? Oh my god. Let me see. Do the same shit you did. No, do the good stuff first. It goes like, It's not the violence that keeps me awake at night.

And then you just keep on screaming. I like you so much more now. Yeah. A lot more. Oh, my God. That's so fucking funny. It's fun, though. I mean, it's not that's so fucking funny. It's fun, though. I mean, it's not that the music is good.

It's just it's fun seeing people in the pit just hitting each other in the face. Right. That's crazy. That is something that happens with that kind of music. How young were you when you started doing that music? Oh, I was like 15, 16. It starts young, right? Yeah.

Then all your buddies at school come out and see you. No. No. No. Did you have a... Well, why no? Did you have a lot of friends or... I had a few. I mean, I still have the same friends I had in elementary school.

Has anybody ever told you that you look like you were created in a video game Create-A-Player before? Yeah. No. Holy shit. But I'm sure they've told you that too, right? That's amazing. game create a player before yeah you look like what my character in Grand Theft Auto looks like that's PlayStation 1 Tony Hawk character right here thank you how do you make your money I do landscaping and I yeah yeah and I'm an intern for all things comedy I do like to and I... There it is. Yeah. And I'm an intern for All Things Comedy.

I do like run their audio and stuff. You should talk about your day job. I do. I actually did it the first time here and then Hinchcliffe told me, he's like, you're your own audience because I was laughing after every joke I was saying because I was just super nervous.

That's understandable. Yeah. Yeah. What was that like your second or third time on stage or what? That was like my seventh time. That's understandable. Yeah. Yeah. What was that, like your second or third time on stage or what? That was like my seventh time. There you go. Yeah. So that's good.

Yeah. At some point, somebody's got to tell you, can't laugh at all your own jokes. Yeah. And the only reason I knew that you were even laughing at them was because they weren't laughing. So I could clearly hear you laughing. Every once in a while is okay.

Every once in a while. Do you think it's okay every once in a while to laugh at your own jokes on stage? Sometimes I laugh at myself. I do it if I improvise something that's fucking super brilliant or if I'm amazed at how hard an audience laughed at something.

Which is all the time. All the time, yeah. You know what I see comics do a lot? They go, all right, guys, I'm going to do this impression, okay? Here's an impression I'm going to do. It's like those comics who do impressions. They go, I'm going to do this impression, guys. You want to see this impression?

And then everybody holds. Everyone waits for it. And then they go, okay. Don't make me laugh. Hang on. They do that. Like Kevin Hart? They try to get you to be like, okay, don't make me laugh. Hang on. They do that. Like Kevin Hart? They try to get you to be like,

whoa, something funny's about to happen, and then they do a fucking terrible impression. Jimmy Fallon has a whole career on that. That was cute the first or second time on Saturday Night Live, but now that whole I'm laughing at my own thing. Forever. We have to deal with that forever.

Should I get down? I know. He's so young. He's going to be on that show get down I know he's so young he's gonna be on that show forever I know fucking forever he's in good health too it's not like he's gonna have a heart attack eating too many doughnuts you know like me or something you know I just killed that. That literally killed me. Jesus. Terrible. Just get the shit out of me. Peter, what do you do for fun?

Well, I'm in a band and I train. You got a lot of girls in this band? Are you one of those guys? Oh, no. I love you. You keep mentioning being in a band and somebody's vapor pen keeps coming up and smoke is made like we're about to get another guitar set up. What else? I mean, is that a big...

Do you get a lot of chicks in the death metal game? Because it seems like a real... A lot of dudes. No. I mean, we're not a big band, so it's not like people really know who we are. I love that you're cracking up at how terrible your own band is. Nobody's ever going to know about us.

Ever. Oh, my God. No way. What's like the biggest gig that you guys have had? We've only played a couple of shows. This band that I'm in right now is fairly new. Oh, okay. Yeah. What are some names of some other bands that you've have had? We've only played a couple shows. This band that I'm in right now is fairly new. Okay. Yeah.

What are some names of some other bands that you've been in? This one's called, what is it? Son of Man. Son of Man. It just sounds terrible. I've been in this other band called Paradigm. I mean. Oh, that sounds like 15 different bands.

Yeah. What's another band name? Oh, man. None of them come to mind right now they're all horrible band names come on what do you mean none of them come to i was in one called legacy that was probably the coolest name i'll give you the cool ones i don't want to give you the shitty ones give us the shitty ones what are you talking about there was one called uh at the edge of eternity that was that Eternity. That was my first band.

That was what I was like. Deep sometimes. See, that has to be a part of your story. At the edge of eternity. At the edge of eternity. What was the one thing? I love that. I don't get a lot of pussy.

I don't know why. Alright, Peter. It was nice to meet you. There he goes. Peter Garci. Peter! He's Peter the comic. Peter!

He's Peter the comic. Uh-oh. Yes! How about... Ooh. For love? For love. For love.

For love. For love. For love. For love. For love. For love. For love. For love, for love, for love. Don't hurry. I mean, it's fine. Oh, you have a cane.

Sorry. Wow. Thanks. Apologize. I'm sorry. Whoa, I made it. Very sorry. I didn't think I was going to get up at the Uber convention I apologize. I'm sorry. Whoa, I made it. Very sorry.

I didn't think I was going to get up at the Uber convention with all these serial rapists. Guys, let's restart. I'm sorry. Fell up. One more time for fell up. We're going to restart at the top for fell up. Fell up. Hey, what's up? I'm Faye Love.

And, yeah, I'm dating right now. Girls, you know, with disabilities are kind of hot. Guys like that kind of thing. I just got out the wheelchair. Woo-woo! Yeah! I tried Tinder and all that stuff. Swiped to the right.

Now I'm on the disabled. I should white. Yeah, I did that. I went back. Disabledpassions.com. Anybody know about that DP right right I know right and uh look look they're all about you know they're all about all kinds of stuff up in there but uh the one thing was like uh you went to conilingus I'm like what he's like

meals on wheels I was like yeah man I can get with that yo so yeah being disabled I don't have to go to work in the morning so I'm always partying you know what I mean hey make the most of it but the thing is they're trying to like when you go these parties they're asking you to get like bring stuff you know like oh can you bring something to share I'm like no I'm broke I'm disabled so I was walking him to my bathroom and everything, and I decided to bring what everybody needs to a party. I'm not lying. I did this.

I rode up in the party with some TP, toilet paper. Right? The women loved it. They was like, see? Bring her back. Because when they ran out. All right. Okay.

Faye Love, how's it going? What is that noise? What is that noise that you keep making? Ambulance. Garbage truck? What is that? All right, Faye Love. First of all, I want to apologize for Glickman.

I'm very sorry. I apologize. Apologize greatly. He thought you were going too slow. He didn't realize that you were handicapped. I'm very sorry. Disabled. Disabled. Faye Love, that's amazing. Congratulations for getting out of the wheelchair. too slow he didn't realize that you were handicapped I'm very sorry disabled

Caleb that's amazing congratulations for getting out of the wheelchair yeah do you mind us asking what the ailment is yeah it's transverse myelitis whoa yeah I have transverse myelitis have you had it your whole life or what is it no it's actually brand new. It's something like I am a head case. I'm a nut case. I basically made my own self paralyzed. Got really depressed and inflamed my spine

because I have a hard time letting my emotions out, so I let it build. Wow. And, yeah, inflamed my spine and was paralyzed from the waist down. I am wearing diapers and everything. It was great. Is it fixable?

You can Google this. I am a walking miracle so now my new scam is let me heal you. You've heard of John of God? Come to Felicia of God. I'll lay hands on you right now. See I am a walking miracle, and you too could be one.

Okay. Well, you have the Moses staff, so I mean, you know, use it. I love that. Yes, we cane. That thing is big. I love it. Are you going to get a, for the holiday season, maybe a little big candy cane? Have you thought about this yet?

You in the cane game? You know what? That's something I might try to roll with. Like a peppermint stick. Or what's his name? Candy cane from the rapper? Big Daddy Cane? Yeah, sure.

Big Fae Love Cane? Uh-huh. I'm from Detroit. Be pimping like that, throwing my hat to the side. Oh, shit. How long have you been in Los Angeles? Too long. I'm tainted, man. I was

like, oh, this is great comedy. I'll come out and check it out. And then when you called my name, I was like, what? I'm also hearing impaired because I'm like, damn, did he just say my name? I was all shocked. Yeah. You signed up, right? I did sign up. Faye Love. How long have you been? That's the name you called, right? I'm sorry.

So you are sort of hearing impaired That's a thing that's how you feel That hair she's got the predator thing Hairing Hairing Yeah no I'm not hearing impaired I should not make fun of that but I'm trying to get as many Checks as I possibly can

I like you more I love that You're adorable You are you're really love that you're adorable you are you're really cute do you have a boyfriend um I'm gonna leave that open wow you can't break up with him because you hold it all in still to this day

interesting you figured me out oh my god what do you like to do for fun oh wow yeah I lost that whole What do you like to do for fun? Oh, wow. Yeah. I lost that whole thing about fun a long time ago.

Are you ticklish? I am into fairies. The one who said that earlier. Did you say fairies? Fairies? No, furries. Oh, the ladies. No.

But that's funny. What into furries. Oh, the ladies. No. But that's funny. What's furries? That's where you dress up as. What is that? Like an animal, like a puffy stuffed animal. No way. I'm into stuffed animals. Animal men.

Stuffed animal men. Are you serious? But my dad's here, so I never told my dad about that. But you always wondered. Bill Cosby over there. Let's give it up for Bill Cosby. Hey, look at that. What's up, dad?

Fuck yeah, that's awesome. I love back for a while or you just oh okay so last time I went back um yeah I went back and there was a fire downtown like just there's always a fire exactly like five buildings There's like five buildings on fire at all times. But this was a car this time. It was a car scam. It was insurance. They were setting the car on fire to make some money. Yeah, from Detroit, Wayne County.

Joey Roden, Evergreen. Anybody from Detroit in the house? Shut up. Point blank. It's not going to work. Congrats on getting out. Thank you. That's great.

Yeah, that's amazing. Have you ever been to Detroit? Does your dad live here in Los Angeles? No, he's visiting right now. I love that. He's visiting from Detroit. Look at this likable man. Pretty sure he just got cast as the dad on the Carmichael show. Just from that

lovely wave. You have a great wave, sir. Good smile. Can we get this guy on a parade float ASAP right now? Look at that wave. That is a majestic wave. That is wickedness. All right.

Oh, my God. That noise goes perfectly with that wave. What do you do for a living, sir? I'm a real estate agent and property manager. Real estate agent and property manager. Oh, my God. Are you also Cleveland from The Family Guy? I'm over. Real estate agent. Are you also Cleveland from The Family Guy? This wave is majestic.

For those of you that aren't squeezing in to get a spot where you can physically see it, I feel bad for you. By the way, if you haven't noticed, he waves after every answer he gets. It's amazing. It's very, very impressive. I'm still in my thunder right now. No, it's cool. You got to let it happen. You got to roll with it. His family, his family love. I've thought about buying property in Detroit. I was back in Ohio. Me and Tony were back

in Ohio last week. And it's so cheap. There's like $2,000 houses that are actually decent looking. It's cheaper than that, man. The bank puts a roof on your house and they'll sell it to you for $500. It's crazy. A new roof on your house. Yeah, $500. You can own a house in Detroit.

With a new roof. With a new roof. But then you have to live in Detroit. And it comes with a nice neighborhood bomb. Right there. But if we all go together. If we all go together. If we all go together... There's a wave.

Dad, what's your name? Lewis. You look like a Lewis. I like your style. Were you ever a postman at some point? No. What did you do before real estate? Whoa.

Oh, the fist on that one. There it is. What did you do before real estate? Whoa. Ford. Oh, the fist on that one. There it is. Ford gets the real stuff. Ford tough. I love it. How long have you two been father and daughter? Oh, good.

There's the wave. That wave. That's amazing. It's got to happen. I taught him well. This wave is out of control. Do you have your dad's... Do you have your dad's wave or your mom's wave?

Let's see it. Whoa, whoa. Very rugged, Fela. Very rugged. I think I... Whoa. Whoa. Whoa.

Glimpses of Peter Garcia Back in the show again I'm working on that wave I don't have that wave I don't like your wave What about this one? Yo No

Faye Love Would you mind if Your dad joined you Next to the microphone Would you mind Getting off the stage To let your dad take over? No No I love this I'm creating an argument Your dad joined you next to the microphone. Would you mind getting off the stage to let your dad take over? Yeah!

I love this. I'm creating an argument, an internal argument right now. Okay! Come on, I'm dead! Woo! Oh, yes. Look at this. Yeah!

Everybody, boom! It's dad time. You know him as the bus driver from every movie you've ever seen. Lewis. Hey, Tony. Tony. Tell Lewis if you can tell a joke. Tell a joke, Lewis. Tell a joke, Lewis. Who wants to see a joke from Lewis, everybody?

Yes! Tell a joke. Anything. Knock, knock, joke, whatever. Hello, everyone. Let's see. Tell a joke. Okay, well, I have a good friend of mine. The good friend of mine met a girl that he loved. You know, the type of head over heels type love, you know, good communication.

Best thing that ever happened to him. Best thing that ever happened to him. Best thing that ever happened to her. And they were so joined together, they decided that they were going to just get hitched. They were going to join and get married, except one of the friends, one of my friend's friends came up to him and said, you know, man, you better not marry that woman. So he was pretty out of himself. You know, he's wondering what's going on.

He's head over heels over this girl. This girl is just fine and everything, and his best friend tells him not to marry her. So he goes on and continues, and then here comes another one of his friends and says, hey, man for you to be here everything's going good he said but I'll tell you don't marry that woman so he's beat to three ice you know he's twice here comes a third person you know another good friend of his say hey man I know you're getting along very very well with this woman and everything but I'm gonna warn you don't marry that woman so he decides that this must be the best thing that ever happened to him.

So he married that woman, and that woman caused the biggest headache that he ever experienced in his life. No. She was his worst nightmare. She took the newspaper and cut out the Target logo and put it on his back and then drew an arrow back there and says, you know, if you ever leave me, this is what's going to happen to you.

And she did that when she played the song, you know, smiling in your face, backstabbers, you know, she just, you know, if you ever do, if you ever mess up on me, I'm going to just pull this arrow back, and that's it, that's it, that's it. And then he wondered what happened. Now this is his new wife, he just got married, and he wondered what's happening, what's going on, what happened, this beautiful dream that he had,

and now it's all of a sudden turning completely the other way. So he wondered what was happening when she says, I only go out at night. And he says, well, what do you mean I only go out at night? He says, I only go out at night. I have to be back during the day. And so he said, well, I don't know what's going on. What's happening with me?

I don't know what's happening with this woman. She only goes out at night and has to be back during the day. And so all of a sudden, here comes the daylight, and all of a sudden she doesn't get up out of the bed. All of a sudden, hair starts growing, and she starts howling at the moon. And he says, oh, my friends were right. My friends were correct oh I made such a terrible mistake oh I don't know what to do about this person that

was my good friend yeah you're gonna stay in ovation look at that way. Standing ovation. Standing ovation. Holy shit. Oh, wow. Holy shit. Lewis, can I tell you something? Was he in that guy's band at the Edge of Eternity? God damn. Holy shit.

Holy shit. Well, I got to tell you something real quick. I got to tell you something real quick. I got to tell you something real quick. I was kind of practicing. Oh, you practicing? You practiced that story? Just in case. Well, good job.

That was amazing. I was not playing. I was right down the street. I had a very nice dinner. I was enjoying the football game. Of course you did. The football game was fine. I decided to just walk up and just come on in.

But I just wanted you to know. Hey! It's about to get party time in here. I just wanted you to know that because I stayed the length of time that I stayed and enjoyed the football game, the waitress cut my bill. And so my meal was free, and I just paid for everyone else's. Wow, I'm pretty sure you dined and ditched. Actually, we dined and ditched. I love my dad.

There he goes. Lewis Love. Yeah. Say love. Say love, guys. Both of them. Thank you, guys. That was the first time my dad performed. Faye Love. Faye Love. Both of them. Thank you, guys. That was the first time my dad performed.

That was great. You really did a great job. An improvised father-daughter performance. That's the kind of shit that can happen on Kill Tony. I wish that guy was my dad. He has the smoothest, nicest voice I've ever heard out of anybody in my entire life. I was just down the street. I had a nice dinner.

I like it that you eat meat now, Tony. Whoa. Brody. Brody. Yes. Holy shit. Whoa. America. Whoa. America.

Yes. You got it. Positive energy. Yes. Steven Brody Stevens, ladies and gentlemen. He's here. He's here. Steven Glickman. Yes. Yes! Yes!

Yes! Yes! Brody, grab a microphone so that, I know you're periscoping this but you just walked into a live podcast I'm FaceTiming with my mother Oh really? Yes! Brody, welcome back to the show

It's great to be back here at Kill Tony. Thank you, guys. I'm having a wonderful day. It's beautiful out. I love this. So what is this battery that's running? Are you charging your phone right now? I think it's every time it gets tipped, it vibrates.

My phone is charging the battery through me alright so you don't laugh at that I still get to spin the wheel I'll go to television city on Beverly and Fairfax and spin that wheel. It's on the second floor. Josh.

It is. You take an elevator up at CBS Television City. After you drop that other mic, what do you do with it? Is it still over there? Oh, we do? Brody, you want to hang out? Maybe sit over there with those people? Yeah, I'll sit wherever you guys want me to. Fuck yeah, Brody you want to hang out maybe sit over there with those people

yeah I'll sit wherever you guys want me to do Brody Stevens Brody I'm a nice guy I talk to special needs adults on an outdoor patio he was drooling he said I looked like I knew how to do algebra

I connected with him say something see something He said I looked like I knew how to do algebra. I connected with him. Say something, see something. Thank you very much. Where would you like? Please. Thank you, Tony. Where do you want me to sit?

Josh, can we grab him a stool or something? Where did Josh go? Josh Martin, everybody, is somewhere. Oh, now you're turning on me! No, just sit it over there. You want me to shut the door? Yeah, put the chair on the other side, sit down, and... Oh, yeah! You don't do that to me, I'm the face.

You're not really... That's Periscope, Brody. Grab that microphone that's down there by your feet. Okay. Oh, it's not... Where is it? It's not there. Where's Josh Martin at?

It's not plugged in, but you know what? I have a mic in my car that can adapt to that. Okay, Brody, just relax. We're going to get back to the show now. Brody, you want to watch somebody do 60 seconds, and then we'll all talk to them? Here we go. It's Kill Tony with Stephen Brody Stevens,

Jesus Trejo, and Stephen Glickman. I pulled another name out of the bucket, and that name is Sarah June. Yeah! And that name is Sarah June. Yeah! Hello, everybody. My name is Sarah.

Sounds a lot like sorry if you're not paying a lot of attention. So pretty often when I introduce myself to people, they'll say, hi, I'm Jocelyn or whatever. And I'll go, hi, I'm Sarah. And they'll go, hi, I'm Jocelyn or whatever, and I'll go, hi, I'm Sarah, and they'll go, oh, it's okay. I've stopped correcting them, because I realize at this point, I just need the reassurance more than I need them to know my name.

I like my coffee like I like my men, weak. And at the back of an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. Where it's free! I will say I was the one who had the joke about furries that Faye Love mentioned before, and this is the feeling I have about furries, is I'm pretty sex positive, fine with a lot of stuff, not okay with furries, I feel like it's animal blackface. Can't get behind it. Can't get behind it.

Can't get behind it at all. And I don't know. That's a minute, isn't it? Yep, 57 seconds. Sarah June, everybody. Right on the line. Heck yeah. Welcome to the show, Sarah.

This is your first time, right? It is, yeah. You live here in LA? No, I'm visiting from Austin, actually. Oh, nice. Are you going to be there December 26th? Yes, indeed I am. Ooh. There you go. Yeah. You live here in L.A.? No, I'm visiting from Austin, actually. Oh, nice. Are you going to be there December 26th? Yes, indeed I am. Ooh.

There you go. Yeah. How's Austin? How long have you lived there? About five years. Where were you from before that? I'm from the Bay Area. Ooh.

Yeah. Wow, look at that. I'm from the peninsula. You can calm down. It's, yeah. It's dumb. What made you go to Austin? I could not afford

to live in California by myself. So I moved to Austin. Really, no real reason. But yeah, I like it a lot. It's a fun place to live.

You like the guys there? Have you been dating them? Or like, have you got, what is this question? I mean, there's a difference between the guys,

you know, and, oh yeah, how many times have you been beat up since you've been there? How many handlebar mustaches do you see on a daily basis? Only Lindsay Jennings. No, I like your whole look. You've got that, like, Hasidic Jewish hipster thing.

It's great. Kind of a little. Sexy. Pulchra Victoria. Yeah, Jewish hipster thing. It's great. Kind of a little... It's sexy. Pulcher Victoria. Yeah, Pulcher Victoria. With the backpack. That's fucking great. Thank you.

That's really good. Love your work on Bob's Burgers. Thank you so much. How long are you in LA for? I leave on Wednesday morning. I've been here about five days. You have a lot of stuff in your backpack? I do.

I didn't want to leave it with a bunch of Stranger Comics. Sorry, guys. I don't know you, but my laptop's in here and stuff, so that's why I'm wearing my backpack on stage like a fucking European tourist. Did not feel good about that choice, but here it is.

Smart as hell. What do you do for work? I am unemployed! Yeah! So that's smart as fuck. What do you do for work? I am unemployed. Yeah. You love it. Yeah. What's the last job you had? When was that?

I worked for Instacart, that grocery app where people shop for your groceries. Yeah. That was me. I shopped for your groceries. And then I got fired. Ooh, why'd you get fired? Not showing up apparently is a thing you can get fired for. Where were you?

Hungover? Huh? Hungover? Why didn't you show up? Yeah, I just didn't feel like moving, you know. I don't know. It was a shitty, like, the scheduling was weird, and then I'd be like, I have to do comedy,

but I don't get paid for comedy, so that was dumb. That'd be awkward, because then you're shopping for someone's groceries, and you get hungry, and you're like, I have to do comedy, but I don't get paid for comedy so that was dumb. That'd be awkward because then you're shopping for someone's groceries and you get hungry and you're like, I don't want to eat this food. I'm not going nowhere. Yeah, I stole a lot of stuff from the grocery store while I was there. I would do the same thing. Yeah. You're there all day. They stop paying attention to you. I get the feeling they would not hire you at Instacart

Clickman. No. Wait a second. Where's all my food? Yeah. There were two boxes of Toaster Strudels. Yeah. I'll send this guy to collect carts in the parking lot of an online grocery store. One guy, I'll do it.

Fuck it. That bombed. All right. I like it. I think we're all thinking about Toaster Strudel icing right now. Sarah, I noticed that your name is spelled like it's Sarah. Yeah. So you must get Sarah all the time, and you have to correct everybody, right? Yeah, so I kind of am over it now.

I don't really correct people unless I really give a shit. Huh. Yeah. You want to know what my ethnicity is? I can see it. Yeah. It's on your face. Yeah.

Oh, there we go. What? Say it. Say it. Persian. Yeah. It's on your face. Yeah. Oh, I'm, there we go. What? Say it, say it. Persian. That's it. Someone in the audience knew I was Persian.

All the way Persian, huh? All the way Persian. 100%. Interesting. So that's what, like Iranian? Yeah.

Huh. What are your parents like? They're Iranian. Oh, I see that. You just did the Sarah Sarah thing with my. Oh, I didn't mean to really do that. But no, I mean, I was just giving you a tautology.

But, you know, yeah, they're like tough. Yeah, they're they're a little nuts, but they mean very well. So I try not to talk about them on stage. Right. Or on podcasts. Yeah. I mean, they don't. That's, you know, June's not my real name.

So. Have you. Do you ever sing in a death metal band or anything like that? It's like it's like an interesting hobby that you have. Probably. I don't know. I just do a lot of comedy. I make videos and shit.

I like to. So that's like really lame. So that's so. Make that sweater. How many hours a day do you spend at a about it. Oh, that's so hip. You make that sweater? How many hours a day do you spend at a coffee shop? Like two? Three?

Four? Today, three. Yeah. Today, three. I don't drink coffee. I'm like the asshole that orders tea. I'm the worst. That's one thing.

It's an interesting hobby of mine is being the fucking worst. Ah, I love that. I know I'm the worst. That's so Persian of you. I'm the one at the bar being like, why doesn't this bar serve food? You should live here. You'd stand out. There's a lot of Persians here.

They once hired me to do a roast. All the Persians at once? Yeah. They all had book bags on. It was a big group. They once hired me to roast this doctor guy. It was his birthday, and they never paid me for the gig. Oh, wow.

Typical Persian. So every time I think of Persians, I think of those Persians specifically. I wrote jokes for and had to make fun of this doctor douchebag that wasn't laughing at anything, and then they didn't pay me. Because he was mad at them for having some guy making fun of him. Yeah, that sounds terrible. Yeah, it was horrendous. Well, I'm not like, I don't know,

some people watch like Shaws of Sunset or whatever, and I don't really fit in with the like Shaws of Sunset Persian or whatever. I went to Iran once, and they did not think I was Persian. Oh. Yeah, they knew I was from here, because I didn't dress right, and I didn't wear makeup. So they were like, you're not really Persian. And they also

thought I was a prostitute oh really I tried to check into a hotel with my mom and she kept her maiden name so we have different last names and so they like did not believe that I was her daughter and they thought that she was a madam and she had kidnapped me to be a prostitute

yeah I've never you're an interesting one same thing happened to me and Tony. I can see that. I don't know. You guys really look alike to me. You have a funny look. I don't think I've ever seen anybody that looks like both a student and a teacher at the same time. You pull that off well. Doesn't she look like she's one of those people that takes off her glasses

and undoes her hair and flips it around and she becomes like this crazy supermodel with big hair. So what are you saying? That she's not cute now? No, I'm saying that she's adorable. I'm all that. Is that what happens? Is that true? Yeah, I'm Rachel Lee Cook, dude. I love that.

Yeah, are you asking me am I hot secretly? Am I secretly hot? No, no. I think Brian wants to play music while you let your hair down and take your glasses off. It's real dirty right now. You should do it. Come on.

I have a shoe. Would anybody be interested in seeing it? Yes. Yeah. Should I leave my backpack on? That's the real question. Yes. Yeah, leave it on.

So what do I do? Do I let my hair down? That's the real question. Yeah, leave it on. So what do I do? Do I let my hair down? Do it slow motion style, though. Wow. Wow. Wow. Yeah. You were right. So hot.

So fucking hot right now. So fucking hot right now. Is there a woman in this room who is not in a fucking puddle right now? Yeah. I think not. Could she turn around and face me for the periscope real quick? I don't know where, I have no idea

where you are because I'm not wearing my glasses. It's Brody. To your right. Brody, to the right. To the right.

1400. That's Brody. Good stuff, sir. Brody, you were just, you just did some, a magazine cover

somewhere overseas, right? Oh yeah, I've done a lot of modeling in Pakistan. Fucking Steve Zissou monthly. I'm currently on the cover of Camel Beat.

One of my classic jokes. Sarah. Brody Stevens. Sarah, good job tonight. Thank you. Beverly Hills is a hotbed for Persian activity. Certainly is. So is Westwood.

Encino. Have you thought about Encino? Not in years, but I didn't know. I would look into it. It's where my doctor is, Dr. Zaga. My cholesterol's high because I stopped taking my Zocor. You said get off the meds. I did.

Now my cholesterol's through the roof. There you go. Take the Zocor, dude. What's your problem? What's my problem? Take the Zocor. Take the Zocor, dude. Well, they told me not to. Sorry. God, you're getting aggressive with me, Sarah. Say something,

see something. Will you guys stop making me look bad? This is why I walked out last time. I'm afraid to be funny because you guys are afraid. I'm afraid to be funny because you guys are afraid. I'm from LA. Born and raised in Reseda. Where the

fuck are you from? Wow. Brody Stevens. 818 till I die. Look at the guy with his arms uncrossed. Negative energy in the front row. I called it out. I love that. Brody's laying down the law. Sorry. it was so nice to meet you

rock and roll hopefully we'll see you in Austin on December 26th yeah if you have a place to stay put your hands together for our one regular who does a brand new minute every single week put your hands together for the always

she's the only person that doesn't get pulled out of the bucket because she is the only regular. Her name is Melissa Esslinger, everybody. Here she is. Thank you. My body is really sore because I went to a party last weekend. My body is really sore because I went to a party last weekend. Sounds like I, like, it's not like I partied really hard or anything.

I just get so nervous and awkward at parties. It's like when I walk into a room, it's like I'm approaching a social minefield. There's not really any mines there, but my brain puts them there. I'm, like, dodging bullets that don't exist. Just, like, slow-motion seizures. But it's, like, any room I go into. Like, I'd walk into a daycare and, like, feel like that kid Tommy is totally

judging me right now you tell by the way he's drooling asshole I'd sit down and like play with them and then interrupt myself and be like, am I intruding you guys? Like, should I take off? Boom. Another new minute. Melissa Esslinger. Locking it in. Love it. Working beats. Working beats. Probably the performance of the night. And just being yourself. Talking about

being nervous as fuck and sort of crazy. Which is what we found out after a couple months of having you do the show every week that's pretty much what you are you're pretty much nuts uh i love that that you're like owning it and talking about it um guys yeah you were probably this is probably your first time seeing melissa essling yeah great yeah you did great you're very funny oh thank you nervous energy works for you. Great. Thanks.

Yeah, it's definitely one of a kind. It's good that you're starting to hone it. And, you know, what I love about that set is that it wasn't like too jokey. It was like you were just being funny. And which is hugely critical because you can always pepper jokes anywhere around all that other stuff. Anything crazy happening in life? Big improvement over last week, by the way. Thank you. I mean, that was easy to listen to.

Last week was very weird. Jeez, still on the attack about last week, huh? No, I mean, it's good to see an improvement because I think you also thought that you had a weird week, and it's good bouncing back from that. How was your set Friday at the Ice House? I didn't get to see it. Well, I shot myself in the foot right off the bat when I got on stage

because someone wasn't there that I assumed they knew was supposed to be there that is a better comic than me by miles. So I started it that way, which was stupid because immediately I just undermined myself. Right. But, I mean, it was all right. all right like a little lady Richard Lewis he was nervous he had a nervous energy yeah fucking made a whole career for him yeah let's check in with our senior senior advisor spiritual you know Melissa I like what Senior advisor, spiritual leader.

You know, Melissa, I like what she was doing. It's kind of in the background on this, but you're good at baseball. Oh, thanks for remembering. Yes, I used to play. For those of you listening to the podcast, you can't see that Brody Stevens is sitting on Louis Love's lap right now. And there's that wave. Look at the wave.

Do you see this? Unbelievable. Oh, my God. Louis, you are a fucking natural. So I always look for little angles that are different about a performer. And the fact that Melissa played baseball. You carry a glove in your car, right? I used to.

I took it out when I cleaned my car and forgot it. I carry candy in my car. But she plays catch. That tells me something. Morgan Murphy is another lady who can play baseball. That shows me something because this is a tough business. Comedy's tough, and you're doing it, and we will play catch one day. Nice. Sarah Silverman plays basketball.

Natasha Leggero does equestrian. Really? Is that the horse one? Who is she? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is that the horse one? Isn't she? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is it a horse? Isn't it like swimming pool? She rides horses.

What's the swimming pool one? Swimmers? Water polo? Polo? Water polo? But what I'm saying is I think the girl baseball thing, keep that alive. It's popular, league of their own. Don't forget that.

Because that's my point. Used to be my playground. Thanks. It's true. Don't forget that. Because that's used to be my playground. Thanks. Melissa, great stuff. You did another brand new minute. Anything else? I can't think of anything. There you go. Melissa Esslinger, everybody.

Melissa Esslinger. She's on Twitter. Melissa Esslinger. E-S-L-I-N-G-E-R. Let's get another one up, shall we? Squeeze another one in here. Hopefully they didn't leave. Put your hands together for Vanessa Johnston, everybody.

Vanessa Johnston. Here she comes. Hi, guys. I'm dating a fixer-upper. And dating a fixer-upper sucks. And a fixer-upper is anyone who has different morals and values than you. Maybe they're a drinker or they're a cheater or they're fat. Mine's fat and his idea is like doggy style for a workout that's our current situation so we got him a trainer like a really intense trainer and the trainer was like you have to go hard or go home

so he just went home and left and he does things that drive me crazy like he doesn't take the stairs i don't either but i feel like he should is that a minute it It's 40 seconds. You have 20 seconds left if you want to use it. I'm kind of sick of people seeing racial stereotypes instead of individual people. Like, some of the best dancers in the world are white.

Some of the best mathematicians in the world are black. Unfortunately for Asians, there are no Asian NASCAR drivers. Yeah, fuck you, Asians. As if no Asian NASCAR drivers. Yeah, fuck you Asians. As if you haven't had enough. How does it feel coming from a hot chick, huh? You fucking loser-esque. Yeah.

Yeah. Vanessa, I have never in my entire week, I think we've done 130 some of these episodes of this show and I've never had anybody on your, when you were standing in front of the stage, your hair was blowing like hell. In slow motion.

It was doing slow motion. You I've never physically seen somebody so hot to where literally their hair blows back when they're talking. It was incredible. I always assumed that rock stars and shit, when that was

happening, that was just air being blown at them. I didn't realize that somebody can actually just make that shit happen. So fucking right. I didn't hear a single word that you said. But I'll say it right now. Set of the night.

You know what, Tony? I think you're right. That was such a good set. That's fun. Vanessa. I've never seen in my life. Wow. What did you talk about again? Oh my god, Vanessa.

I mean, Glickman just shot a load in his hat. You're gorgeous. Thank you. Shocking. I'm blushing and I shouldn't be. we're at the comedy store i i just want to say that oh brody stevens spiritual advisor i'm gonna let you get get

your breath brody just have two quick points okay one the the 40 seconds less is more so 40 seconds is good they pushed you to do that extra joke and i i thought it was fine because i do a joke like that i go i went to asians cheated off me i got back at them i cheated off them unfortunately it was in driver's ed i do the same kind of joke so i was there with you on that and i'd uh um also uh guys like chris d'alia and uh you know and you know She's making you nervous bro Neil Vaughn and Kirk Fox You're shaking dude

You know what Those guys are fantasy I'm reality Holy shit. That is the greatest thing I've ever seen in my entire life. Good acting, right? Good job. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. I can't believe that just happened. Wow. That is so fun. Vanessa, you're hilarious. You should be talking about how hot you are all the time. Do you really have a fat boyfriend? He's an ex-boyfriend.

How fat was he? Clickman wants to know. Was he like this? Let her answer! How fat was he? We're all Melissa today today was he like him it threw me off because the guy that i'm kind of seeing now is in this like i saw him right when about like right when i was walking up so it was really weird oh my god holy shit

wow yeah oh see you don't you don't want you don So you don't want your current guy to know that you were once with a fat guy because you don't want him to get out of shape. No, I feel like, I mean, I did it because I was trying to grow as a person. I love that. Oh, my God. So good. That's so good. Wow. It's so funny.

And I love that lip lick thing that you do afterwards. It's just pure evil. I love that lip lick thing that you do afterwards. It's just pure evil. I love it. Every time she does that, someone buys her a pair of shoes. It just happens. Lip lick. What's your Amazon wish list? That's like a hooker thing, right?

I don't do that. I have a job. I can buy my own stuff. What do you do for a living? I worked at HBO for two years. I just left. I have a job I can buy my own stuff what do you do for a living I work well I worked at HBO for two years I just left

and I just started working at Core Media Group today they do like American Idol they buy up IP so we're gonna develop in there

wow look at you you're like a real professional you worked at HBO for a while huh then you got in the comedy game and you're like fuck you HBO

even though you're the main network for one hour specials. I'm gonna part ways. Yeah, HBO's great. Do you have any Game of Thrones merch or anything like that? Did you get anything cool from working there? I mean, they give you free stuff all the time.

Yeah. Oh, interesting. I mean, I'm on good terms with them. Like, I have a show going on. Anything fun from HBO? Like, for example, they gave Glickman this mob boss hat that he's wearing. Anyway, Vanessa, so nice to meet you. Not now. We will...

It's so loud. Vanessa, nice to meet you. Vanessa Johnston, everybody. There she goes. Nice job, Vanessa. I do teach a workshop in the Valley. It's a two-webcam shoot. There you go.

For those of you that want to sign up to Brody Stevens' craft shop. That was fun. That was a lot of fun. Brody, thanks for joining us. Steven Brody Stevens, everybody. There he is. I love the energy in here. Tonight's drawing from Ryan Sheehyville.

Look at Glickman. He's got the hat. He nailed it. Look at that. That hat is just as ugly in the picture as it is in real life. That is amazing. He really captured the ridiculousness of that hat.

Guys, live audience, I had so much fun with you. Jesus Trejo is at Jesus Trejo. Wait, that's the end of the show? What do you guys want to promote? Now's the time. I thought we were just getting started. Thank you very much, Tony. I had a great time, and I can't wait to be back on Kill Tony in any form.

I'm your friend. I love that. God bless Death Squad for life. I love that. Who else? Jesus Trejo, you're on Twitter. What else? I'm on Twitter. I'm on Twitter. Corpus

Christi, next weekend, Friday and Saturday, four shows. Love it. Glickman. Corpus Christi. I host the nighttime show at the Lyric Theater once a month. We just did it with Dana Snyder from Aqua Teen Hunger Force.

I did it. Brody Stevens. I played Steve Jobs in the show. It's really fun. I recommend it. Love it. Austin, Texas. Kill Tony. The 26th of December. Here we come. Three weeks away. Buy tickets for that immediately. Tell your friends. RyanJEBelt.com for the

Prince, Melissa Esslinger, and Josh Martin Comic. Thank you, live audience. Good night, everybody. Jamie Vernon. Jamie Vernon. Baby Jamie. I'm going to do a photo. live audience good night everybody jamie vernon push him baby jamie Bitch you guessed it You was right Bitch you guessed it G'lah, g'lah, fuck, nigga, I'm sorry Bitch you guessed it

Steal your little piece I want some now You are the one.