KILL TONY - KILL TONY #135

Episode Date: December 22, 2015

Jimmy Shubert, Mat Edgar, Melissa Eslinger, Tony Hinchcliffe, Josh Martin, Melissa Eslinger, Pat Regan, Vanessa Johnston, Brian Redban  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony here at DeathSquad.TV. Huge news guys, if you live in Texas, oh your holiday season just got an upgrade. Me and Tony Hinchcliffe are bringing Kill Tony to Austin and Dallas. December 26th we'll be in Austin at the Spider House Ballroom. It's going to be Kill Tony at 8pm.m., followed by a comedy show at 10.30 p.m., and whoever is the best local comic that we choose from Kill Tony gets to open up for us at the comedy show. Now, that's December 26th, the day after Christmas in Austin, but then the day after that, December 27th, we'll be in Dallas doing the same thing at Hyena's Comedy Club.

That'll be Kill Tony at 7.30 p.m. followed by a comedy show at 9.30 p.m. You get tickets by going to DeathSquad.tv and clicking on tour dates. And don't forget, we're always, every Monday, at the Comedy Store in the Belly Room doing Kill Tony. Every Tuesday, we have the have the roast battle which is the verbal violence the very popular roast battle every tuesday night in the belly room and every friday we have the ice house comedy show and that's at the ice house in pasadena all these can be found by going to death squad.tv and clicking on tour dates the new death squad shirt is in stock and it ships this week.

If you haven't ordered Taco Cat, there's a few left. Go to shopsquad.tv for all the official Death Squad merchandise. And don't forget to go to Tony Hinchcliffe's website, TonyHinchcliffe.com, for all the news and information about the Golden Pony himself,

Tony Hinchcliffe. All right, guys. Here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony Live. Hey, this is Rampant coming to you live from the Road Famous Comedy Store for a brand new episode of Kill Tony Volume 3. Give it up for Tony Hinchcliffe.

Holy shit. We are live, everybody. Hello. Hi, welcome. Happy Monday to you. How's everybody doing? Make some noise, Monday night. It's a cold, cold, cold Monday in Los Angeles. It's one of those nights.

It sort of feels like a grungy Seattle type of scene or something like that. Yeah, it's awful. It's actually colder here than it is in Ohio right now. Yeah, I just got back from Providence, Rhode Island, where I murdered all weekend. And it was the same exact temperature there. East Coast, little island. Creepy place Providence was. Yeah.

Speaking of creepy places, we're bringing Kill Tony to Austin and Dallas December 26th and 27th. Yeah. Austin 26th, Spider House Ballroom, Dallas 27th. Hyena's Comedy Club, which I heard is amazing. Yeah. We're

going to have a fucking blast. Merry Christmas to you, Texas. You get us. And we're doing the thing where we're doing Kill Tony on a comedy show and whoever we pick from Kill Tony gets to open up for us at the comedy show. It's already close to selling out so get tickets now or else you're gonna be literally left out

in the cold. See that? Christmas reference. Hi everybody and hello to the thousands, tens of thousands live on Ustream right now. And to the tens and tens on Periscope. Keep it going for Pat Reagan, everybody.

And Ryan J. E. Belt, the house artist at ryanjebelt.com, everything Ryan J. E. Belt. He has a blank piece of paper in front of him right now, and he's going to draw tonight's episode live as it happens. And at the end, we're going to show that to you. Pat Reagan, you're back after a three-week hiatus.

Holy shit. You are back. By the way, Ryan J. Ebel is going to be in Austin. He just so happens to be near Austin on that December 26th. So the actual Ryan J. Ebel will be drawing that episode live. Oh, hell yeah. For you, Austin. You got any sisters?

Keep going back and forth, one to the other. But back to you, Pat. How's it been three weeks off of Kill Tony? Good, good. I was in Portland for a while. It was rainy. It was cold. It was like this.

Yeah. I exercised my muscle of performing over a week period, three-week period. And here I am am stronger than ever. Okie dokie. Got some of that Portland heroin, didn't you? Welcome back, buddy. We missed you. Thank you.

We're going to have a lot of fun. Are you guys ready to get it started or what? Let's just get into it. Every single week, I have two of the funniest comedians in the world on this show. And this week, believe it or not, is no different. Two of my favorite people. Put your hands together for them. Matt Edgar and Jimmy Schubert, ladies and gentlemen.

Here they are. Matty Buckets Edgar. First person who I ever started stand-up with, Matt Edgar, my true, basically, twin brother. Both started May 2007. A little fun fact for you. We both started here at the Comedy Store, and now we're doing fun things.

And one of the greatest comedians, one of our favorite comedians, the entire time that him and I would always do impressions of and just crack each other up, one the greats ladies and gentlemen one more time for Jimmy Schubert is here everybody much thank you both of you had done this show before welcome back both of you are lovers of comedy Jimmy you just got back from South Korea well I was in South Korea but I just got back I was a three and a half week trip Well, I was in South Korea, but I just got back. I was on a three-and-a-half-week trip to Europe.

I was doing shows for the military, Armed Forces Entertainment. For the Korean troops? No, no, no. I was in Korea doing something else. I was doing an original series for their Netflix, which is called Vicky. It has 40 million subscribers. It was a cross-cultural South Korean drama. And so I played the dad to the lead in it

and then came back and then went to Europe for three and a half weeks. Holy shit. I got some free plane tickets. Some miles. Yeah, I got some miles. I love that. Anything crazy happen when you were over there?

I had a blast, man. In Germany, you have these winter markets. You stop and you walk around and you drink this hot wine called Glühwein and they put a little shot of rum in it and we were in Edelweiss and Munich and at the Hofbrauhaus knocking back some giant

mugs of German beer and then we went to Belgium and Netherlands and just had a great time. Jesus, you went everywhere. Yeah, Kosovo. We were in Kosovo. That's incredible. Not really a vacation destination. Look who it is, everybody. It's the producer that knocks things over and fucks everything up. Look who it is, everybody. It's the producer that knocks things over and fucks everything up. It's Josh Martin,

everybody. There he is, live. Obviously, fresh back from fishing on a crab boat somewhere or waiting tables at a Bubba Gump restaurant. Always good to see at Josh Martin comic running around. And how about, before we get this crazy fucking party started,

a round of applause for the great Jamie Vernon, who sometimes goes unnoticed. Yeah. Back on the HD camera. Baby Jake. Baby Jake. Everybody's good pal at Jamie Vernon. I'm so excited.

I feel like the show's all together and in its element tonight. I got to admit, Pat, I sort of missed you over there. Really? Yeah, I really did. It was a nice warm-up. Yeah, and you could just sort of beat on him like a punching bag. You know what I mean? Just really.

You'll see in a little bit. He's going to say something dumb that falls flat. Something. I don't believe that I say dumb things. Well, no, it's not really that you say dumb things. That's right. I wanted to correct myself. A lot of the really that you say dumb things. That's right. I wanted to correct myself. A lot of the things that you say are ineffective in a comedy room.

I say that there's sort of an Algonquin. There's an Algonquin rectangular table here, and I'm not part of the Algonquin rectangular table. So when I speak, it comes from a position at a lower status than the rest of the Algonquin rectangular table. Algonquin, three times. Well, you know, I actually beg to differ. I think you have a higher elevation than us. I think that if this is the Letterman setup, I think you got at least five inches on a stool to chair.

Well, then I'll need another decade in comedy. And Algonquin's worth 22 points on a triple word score if you're playing Scrabble. Yeah, if you want to, you can move your stool over here. I'm doing comedy, not playing Scrabble, unfortunately. Yeah. See? I get that. Or you guys are doing comedy.

Guys heckling me now? I'm telling you, Jimmy, whatever you want to say to that piece of shit, just let it roll. Oh, my God. Anyway, you guys ready to fucking blow the party out of this? my god here we go anything can happen you all know it you all love it comedians come up here and they get a chance to perform and

then we talk to them about anything in the world maybe we try to find out something else they could talk about or add on to something that they did talk about or just find out about who they are as a human being anything Anything can happen. There's a bucket full of comedians' names here, and when I pull one out, that means, comedians, you get 60 seconds. You know your 60 seconds is up when you hear the sound of a kitty. I heard more human beings than the actual sound effect. That's a first.

Wrap it up then, or else you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. Here it comes. Little fucking bird there in the end for some reason. But he's out tonight, so don't let him out. Don't run your time. He's made an appearance in almost every episode lately and it's always fun. You sort of forget about it and then all of a sudden there he is. Okay let's do it. You guys ready? Here we go. Every fucking episode now is just like so diabolically different and fun and tonight we're going to start with the stylings of a man named Steve Breeze. I don't like telling jokes to people I don't know on first name basis, so please on three,

can you just shout your first name for me? One, two, three. Hi everybody, my name is Steve Breeze, my social security number is 395026574. My mother's maiden name is Duran. And the answer to my security question is the topic of this next joke. I've got a cat. I named my cat Deep Purple because every time he meows, he goes, Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow. Oh, I love my cat. So I'm single, and I make up stories about my cat that died five years ago.

And a lot of people think I'm a serial murderer. I don't see that. Maybe in the new Wes Anderson movie if he ever made one about that. All right, new joke for this. That didn't go over very well. But I'm glad you guys didn't laugh at the fact that I look like a serial killer. That makes me feel great. Here's a serial killer. That makes me feel great.

Here's a fun fact. Every 46 seconds a pothead gets arrested in this country and that'll be the quickest thing a pothead has ever done. I'm going to end there. There it is. There's that kitten. Steve Breeds. Fuck yeah. You go hoodies up for the comedy and then

you take off the old the old Bader mask for I got warm finally it's cold outside man yeah Steve how long you been on stand-up five years nice where you were at in Milwaukee huh how long you been here just a few months right yeah time to get rid of those Milwaukee jokes. You know what I'm saying, buddy? Yeah. Time to really step up the game a little bit.

Yeah, right. Yeah. I think, yeah, that's interesting. You have two hoods on, too. Yeah. That was planned. Were you planning on perhaps doubling up on the hood? Did you think about that when you were putting on the second hoodie?

Like, I could just double the hoods? Have you ever heard of a coat? Yeah. Even in Wisconsin, I didn't have a jacket. I just wore two hoodies. You could get a coat. Or maybe you could just get a third hoodie. I have a third hoodie. Just layer it up.

Yeah. Go balls to the wall. I have lawn johns and two shirts. I have no idea what you just said but it really i have a lot like launch on the greatness that was coming out of my face i'm sorry man anyway uh steve what's your uh what's your story why do you look like a lesbian well i was raised by uh i don. I don't know, man. I just look like my dad was very pretty and James Deeny. My mom was a model growing up, and now this is what they produced.

You got none of the above. Looks like the mom cheated on you with a high school basketball referee. Her best friends growing up, like my babysitters growing up, were both lesbians they met because they they brought a dude into the relationship uh but then they just fell in love and the dude ended up moving out wow so this lesbian thing really does come back around yeah i was called a lesbian by a waitress after my parents were like he's a good boy and and she just kept referring to me as this oh you what a cute little girl you got and he's not he yeah he is very adorable I don't know it's dumb dumb story how many hoodies were you wearing at the time probably two huh so uh okay you had everybody say their name first then you said your name do you do

that at the beginning of all your sets? Sometimes, yeah. Interesting. Why is that? I don't know. Huh. Just sort of always done it. Some people like it. I'm happy people actually said it. He wants to do it on a first name basis with the audience. Yeah. You know. Has that ever worked? Yeah, usually, like I would do it for like host sets. If I was hosting, I would introduce people and then I felt like it was rude that I didn't get to know everybody else's name. So I had them shout their name. And then you give out your social security number. Luckily, everything about your set is forgettable, or else people could really use something like that against you. I thought he was doing a LifeLock bit.

I thought he was getting ready to do a bit about LifeLock. But no, he should have. It would have been at least something. That probably would work at a zany comedy club, though. You know, like a wacky boat or something. I think you should go a different route. Would you just fucking look at the guy if somebody stole his identity two hours later

and give it back to him? I think you should go the opposite direction and take it to a rap battle. Both hoodies and then repeating the name. Yeah, I was rapping on the way over here. You had an M&M in 8 Mile on the bus. Wait, what? You were a rapper?

There it is. There's the horn of awareness. No, I had this beat stuck in my head. I thought it was a beat, but it actually was like Hanson's Mbop. Why do you have a banana in your pocket? Because he's happy to see you. No, I have a joke that I wasn't going to do. I have a joke that I wasn't going to do.

Usually when I do the serial killer, I have a banana in my jacket, and I pull it out, and I just say, I don't know why people think I look like a I pull it out and I just say I don't know why people think I look like a serial killer do things like that I don't know but then I got called up first I just walked in so that was kind of it that was my uh so you uh I do prop comedy I do prop comedy you guys so what are you gonna do now go go in the back of room and eat that thing with your foot what are you gonna do with your I'll just eat it like a normal person how uh how often do you take the banana out with you? Is that like something you have to... Before you go do stand-up,

you have to go buy a banana? He's got a fucking potassium deficiency, all right? Jesus Christ. Leave the fucking guy alone. It's crazy that the banana is still in the peel because you definitely ate it on stage tonight. How does that get that sound? How does that get that sound? How does that get that sound and not just a laugh?

Why did everybody say the letter O? There's a solid O on that one. Fuck yeah. I think they liked me. I liked you guys. Oh, well, they don't care, Steve. Most people don't care about me. Look at that look of indifference on their face

How do you just another headshot What's the craziest kind of porn that you've googled lately What was it called come on normalormal activity. What was it? Pornormal activity. I didn't Google it. I just came across it. It's a parody porn about paranormal activity. Porn is a paranormal porn.

It's a guy who finger bangs a fucking ET. And he fucking rubs one out into a tissue of love. Just fires off his flesh musket into a tissue of love. Now, when I sort of like that, when you say you came across it, do you mean you sprayed your DNA on the screen? No. All right, now I know what you're talking about.

No, last time I was on the show, I talked to you guys about my porn. I just watch porn. I don't listen to it. So usually it's on mute, but that was the first porn. What do you listen to while watching porn? Sometimes just the sound. Oh, you know Raffy.

The news. I don't know. The news? The news. I've listened to the news before. Oh, my God. What the fuck is wrong with you? I had a roommate. That's the one thing that I definitely can't keep a boner with around. You know what I mean?

The fucking everything on the news is just the worst thing ever. There was a suicide bombing. I've definitely been there. That's him coming. There you go. Patty's firing back over there. I love it. He's getting fucking revenge.

Marking the territory. Taking the hoodie off. You've encouraged Steve. Your performance here has encouraged Pat to never wear a hoodie again. Right on. But what else? Any parting words, Steve? Anything crazy going on in life?

No, not really. What's new with you? You've been here a few months. They don't want to fire me for my job, but they want me to- What do you do for work? I work in a stock room. For what? Target.

Oof. Yeah. Oh, yikes. That's the- Yeah, I don't know. It's not that bad. Working at Target, that's like a white trash penal colony over there. Walk around and hear some great conversations.

How many red hoodies do you have? None. Most of my stuff is from Target, though. Not because I work there. Just because I'm that poor. I bet. You're not poor? No, he said he is poor.

Oh, right. I'll be rich one day. Did you transfer from a Milwaukee Target to the Target that you're at now? No, it's close to my house. I just applied, and then they gave me the job because I just showed up for a second interview. Santa Monica and La Brea? Yeah. Yeah.

Huh. I work in the basement. You'll never see me. That's a shady little Target. That's the only one that I ever go to. I heard there was a stabbing there. I don't know too much about it. Yeah.

It wasn't me. That's a crazy little plaza. Actually, that's where me and Matt sort of like we lived together, and we lived right around the corner from there. So we would sit there at these tables when we very first started stand-up. And it's the tranniest, like, craziest intersection anywhere is Santa Monica and La Brea. And there's a Starbucks there that has tables outside.

And we would sit there and just look out and try to write jokes. Like, that's back when we thought like to really just write jokes you just had to like come out of nowhere with it i think it's sort of like this common beginner thing like instead of just living and taking note of what's funny you try to like um let's see dogs are a thing i see a lot of dogs so dogs something funny about oranges yeah orange right exactly aren't you glad I didn't say banana? Holy shit.

That was so terrible. But it was, you know, hey, fucking, you're on it. I love that. So, Steve, you work at the Shadiest Target. Have you seen anything terrible there? No. You are just full of that energy That's why they want to fire me. I love it. I don't show enough enthusiasm about my job so for being

You don't show enough enthusiasm at this job either Oh, fucking eat a dick, all right? It's called Kill Tony, motherfuckers. That's right. So you get a callous. Rock and roll. Steve Breeze, everybody. Come on. Steve Breeze. It's tough to go up first, especially when you're not that good.

Steve Breeze, everybody. Follow him on Twitter. It's Steve Breeze, like B-R-E-E-S-E. We love you, Steve. It's all in fun, Steve. You can get a callous on your feelings at this fucking show. You were a very easy target. Shit's fucking brilliant in the moment.

I mean, come on. Hey, it's honest. Be the motherfucker works at Target. And it gets half a reaction in this shithole. Need some fucking energy in here. This cold has zapped people. Fuck yeah. This guy clearly has cocaine.

I pulled another name out of the bucket. Let's make some noise for Naveed Sultan. Naveed Sultan. It's me, Sultan. What's up, belly room? All right, let's get right to it. I don't know what the Indian population of America is, but if I had to base it off to catch a predator it'd be about 50% I'm so ashamed when I watch that show because all I see is brown guy after brown guy after brown guy I mean at first I was shocked but then it kind of made sense

because like no wonder they always put me on hold it's okay you guys can laugh at that there's no Indian people, which is surprising because I thought it was free to get in. Me and my friends actually have this drinking game where we put on an episode of To Catch a Predator, and every time a member of your race gets caught, you have to take a shot. So we're like halfway through an episode, I'm drunk as shit. My white friend is dead. My black and Mexican friends are on the other couch. They're bored and sober. They're like, we want a drink. So I put it on cops.

Thank you guys so much. Fuck yeah. Love that. Naveed Sultan. I love your style, man. You're like a very racist Indian. Yeah. That's kind of my thing. I feel like it's hard being a white dude in the comedy game

because you guys have to actually be good. And like me, I have to be just kind of funny and then I'll get some stage time. That's a great observation. Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely true. You guys are... I feel bad for white people in this game.

Yeah, it really is. He's absolutely right right i've been thinking about it a lot lately i mean it sounds sort of crazy but it it's fucking ridiculous cheers no don't sound like your brothers i almost want to fucking blog about it because every every blog's been like fuck all right forget it so do you that was that white rage coming out well there's this also this like female thing these things have been coming out where females, somebody wrote something about how hard they have it in stand-up comedy.

It's only the toughest thing you'll ever fucking do. It's a tough business to break into. It's a tough business to stay in. I don't care if you're a dick, if you're fucking brown, if you have fucking tits. It's a fucking tough way to make a fucking living. It's hard. Okay? Oh, yeah. Let's fucking stop with allits. It's a fucking tough way to make a fucking living. It's hard. Okay? Oh, yeah.

Okay? Let's fucking stop with all this. It's harder. Shut the fuck up. Yeah. All right? Suck it up. That's right.

Motherfucker, write some jokes. Thank you. I don't have to write the blog anymore. That's pretty much it. That's pretty much my blog summary. Jesus. So do you... It's supposed to be easy.

Yeah. Do you usually hang out with your friends and watch a show that was cancelled three years ago on YouTube? He has it on demand. I've actually watched the episodes a couple times. Why? Don't you think maybe there's something to that?

I'm taking notes. Is there a real proliferation of Indian perverts? Yeah, dude. Are indian perverts yeah dude definitely yeah yeah it's because like um growing up we're not like taught to socialize with the opposite sex so these guys just like repression death well that's not repression it's just like these guys are like total zeros among their peers so they're like fuck it let's go to the internet and uh all right so navid something you said i could actually sort of relate to because there was an episode of To Catch a Predator. I don't know if you've ever seen this, but I remember it so clearly

because it's like one of their top ones too. It's like best of To Catch a Predator. Oh, yeah. There's a guy that, and Jamie, you probably have seen this. One guy came in, and he was wearing an Ohio State hat, and it has that very recognizable O on it. And my mind was blown that it wasn't blurred out.

I went to Ohio State. My whole family went to Ohio State. It's fucking mind-blowing. The whole time I'm just saying this is the worst press for the actual slogan of something. I just love the guys come in swinging a bag of dildos with a fucking 18-pack of Bud Light

and a couple lollipops. I didn't really know. I've never really taken note of an abundance of Indian people on that show. I also didn't know until you said that this is a free show that Indians were cheap. Yeah, I had no idea. You sold that, and I'm pretty sure the people that were laughing at that were fake laughing, like, oh, yeah, those Indians are cheap. I don't think that's a known thing.

I never heard that. Oh, that's known. Really? Oh, yeah. That's an Indian stereotype? Look at my fucking shoes, man. Yeah. Shit.

Hawaiian. Jesus. You fucking shove a lump of coal up his ass in two weeks, you have a diamond that's got so tight. Look at this fucking shit. I don't think that's known. I think maybe that's known. And I think that's known maybe in Indian culture. But I don't think anyone else known. I think maybe that's known. I think that's known maybe an Indian culture, but I don't think anyone else knows that Indians are cheap. We know mostly Jewish people.

Don't motherfuckers know Indians are cheap. Come on. Fucking Jewish people going, fucking Indians are cheap. I believe it, but I've not heard it. Well, you've seen it. You look like every guy from the NCIS or CSI, like the researcher. Every single one of those guys. Cool, man.

Naveed, where are you from? From Dallas, Texas, man. I pretty much got here like last week. Wow. Trying to fucking make it in this game. You live here now. I do live here. Did you play the improv down there?

I did, actually, yeah. I was doing the improv down there the uh the the i did actually yeah um i i was doing the improv that was like the biggest stage you could do so i was like i'm fucking 24 gotta start making some moves who's the other indian dude that works down there paul varghese paul varghese yes sir you could have just stayed in dallas kill tony's coming there december 27th everybody and that's right after we go to austin on december 26th varghese chase you out of town because he's the other he was the resident Indian so I was like fuck yeah he's really funny I work with you know he's super funny he's really nice guy too so did you transfer to this 7-eleven down here funny I'm not tripping. That's good.

Love it. And yeah, I did. Do you wear BO? Do you have BO? No. Because that's something I think is more known than Indians. Oh, yeah. That's definitely known.

No doubt about that. Indians, is that a thing that you fight? Why don't you come up here and fucking let me know, biatch? Smell you? Are you challenging us to smell you? Smell me fucking i know smell you are you asking are you challenging us to smell you smell me this would not be the first time brian smelled someone uh no i don't smell indian people whoa right well you will whether or not you want to i know right no actually i used to work i used to be in uh like uh in charge of a bunch of indians and my job was to teach them act to act more american for job interviews and they actually made a movie very similar to

what I used to do and one of the biggest things I had to do is tell him like hey look you stink and they would get mad at me for bringing that up to them they're like like angry at me so why what's the deal with that like what's the deal what's the deal with the other in India in India? So step one, curry. There's a lot of curry going on. No deodorant, though. Yeah. It's the food, bro. It's not.

So you wear deodorant. It's just not. I don't think I stink, but let me know. You have a lot of Americanized characteristics. I do. It makes me wonder if perhaps you've psyched the stink away. You know what I mean? Just sort of like mind over matter.

I can't grow much of a beard, so I'm kind of already an outcast in my culture so what are some more indian stereotypes that i might not know about because like the cheap things new to me well the thing is like if you don't know the cheap one what the fuck do you know you know what i'm saying well but but i mean like well you knew about like being smelly right has everybody kept that secret from you in Dallas? I highly doubt that you know Huge huge Huge I like hair We get out we get a ball gag Josh from the back We have a thing where Josh puts on ball gags now on people's – Josh puts it on.

Indians usually have bigger bush. You don't trim your bush at all. I do. I do, but you're right about that too. Yeah. I just came up with an Indian cheap joke. Are you talking about manscaping? You're talking about –

Here's my Indian cheap joke. It's told by Gilbert Gottfried. An Indian goes to a gumball machine. It costs 25 cents. He says, well, I guess I'll go fuck myself. Very good, Pat Rigg. I did not know Indians were cheap. I always thought it was Jews.

I guess the only difference between Jews and Indians is that Jews ride inside of the train and Indians ride on top of it. I like that. That's good. That's a 10 star joke for those of you that didn't laugh at that. That's how you know whether you're smart or not. Did I say like the most foul racist shit like all day?

What's the most racist joke you have fired off right now? I have not heard the rooster of racism yet tonight that so maybe if you can get Really have one really something terrible do it. Okay Sometimes when I'm watching TV, I confuse the BET with Animal Planet You asked for it. I don't do it on stage. I don't do it on stage, but you asked for it. I wouldn't do that fucking offstage. Jesus Christ. What the fuck's the matter with you? Fucking animal.

If it makes y'all feel any better, I hate white people the most. Really? What's the most hateful thing? Now he's out. He said white people. I don't know if you've been listening, but we're not too fond of you either.

Me neither, bro. What are some bad things about the white people that you could say? We're all creative and shit? No. They invent things like the light bulb. It's mostly like y'all are motherfucking everywhere.

You know what I'm saying? Yeah, I got news for you. There's more fucking Indians than fucking white people. Yeah. You're fucking everywhere. Where you been? What do you mean we're everywhere? What does that mean?

Look around, man. You know what? You're not in India right now. Dirt. Sorry. That's because right now you're at the top. Check your privilege, man. Check your privilege, bro.

Come on. I mean, there's nothing better than being brown or black in the comedy game. So I'm really happy with where I'm at. I wish I was, bro. Okay? Because the only way I stand to get a tan is if I get a melanoma and it all grows together. Hey, you look great. Thanks.

I got six weeks to live. I wish I had fucking pigment. My son is my fucking archenemy. You don't need to be an apologist about anything. You don't need to make these self deprecating comments. You just need to be yourself. Don't worry about color. I think you got some identity issues, but

they're coming out, but because they're coming out, because you're being, you're attacked. You're attacked. You're on the defensive. That's the shit about white people I hate. No, dude. Dude, just fucking just fucking, just be you. I'm just trying to be funny. It's all good, bro. That's the shit about white people I hate No dude Just fucking Just be you I love Pat breaking it down over here

Trying to get a little inspiration He did a Gilbert Gottfried impression Now he's doing his Tony Robbins impression It's fucking fantastic And it's just fucking amazing Matty Edgar what's your advice for this guy? He just came out here from Dallas, Texas. What do you think about Naveed?

I mean, immediately I was like, oh, another Indian comic telling Indian jokes. So I think you should be yourself. That is me, bro. Do you have an identity? Yeah, definitely. If not, you could use the last guy's. Yeah, he's not using it.

I'm kidding. Naveed, I noticed you don't have a Twitter handle, huh? he's not using it kidding Naveed I noticed you don't have a twitter handle you're just on the low down I don't I mean I'm not trying to act like I'm too cool for social media I just don't you know that's so not Indian of you oh really is that an Indian thing twitter

oh yeah bro all of technology I think think right what do you do for a living Oh, yeah, bro. All of technology, I think. Think, right? What do you do for a living? I'm working on Silicon Beach at a tech company. Yeah, what a shocker. There you go. Sometimes I question myself and something like that happens.

I was really wondering, like, is India in a tech thing? I was going to say, I feel like I have my stereotypes mixed up now. Anyway, I'm clearly a hateful person. Naveed. What's up? What's something fun about you? What's your favorite hobby? It's definitely stand-up, man. Other than stand-up.

What's my favorite hobby? This is a hobby to you? Whoa. Oh, shit. Getting deep. Whoa. I'm not making that much fucking money, so yeah, it definitely is a hobby. Right now, it's a hobby because he's not making money deep I'm not making that much fucking money Right now it's a hobby

Because he's not making money I'm not making any fucking bread Okay, so what do you do for fun? What do I do for fun? Other than stand up He watches Animal Planet Takes out the notepad I used to smoke a lot of weed

But then I stopped because I was trying to save up to come over here. And I was like, it's a priorities kind of thing. So I smoked a lot of weed. That's definitely not a first-generation Indian response. You're any parent. It's like, we saved up so we could move over here. And then you're like, I stopped smoking weed so I could move over here. That's what you'll tell your kids one day.

Are your parents disappointed you do stand-up comedy? No, when they saw me get that first paycheck, they're like, oh shit, this is real. Do you have an arranged marriage worked out somewhere? Ah, fuck no, man. My parents are divorced and I'm like, you know, what's the point? Was it an arranged divorce? They arranged it. Boom.

What was your answer to that? To the fun one? Smoking a lot of weed. Oh, that's right. That's right. Oh, I play guitar and piano in my free time. I didn't get to bring them to L.A., unfortunately, but I'll ship them over here eventually.

Hell yeah. Yeah. Ship them. but I'll ship them over here eventually. Hell yeah. Yeah. Ship them. So how have you reacted work ethic wise?

You made an adjustment to here, but then you started smoking LA pot instead of Dallas pot. I haven't actually because I need to get my first paycheck. Oh. Oh, I actually bought a hundred milligram, a thousand milligram bar and 1,000 milligram bar, and I'm saving it for The Force Awakens. Wow. Better watch out.

You might not want to ruin the movie. I'm not going to eat the whole thing. I'll test drive it a little bit. Sounds like a disaster. Yeah. If I ate one of those things. The last vagina this guy saw was the one he came out of. Holy shit.

You stole that from Triumph, you motherfucker. What's that? You stole that from Triumph, the comic dog. Oh, my God. Holy shit. You stole that from Triumph, you motherfucker. What's that? You stole that from Triumph, the comic dog. Oh, my God. On Conan. I'm calling you out. I don't even fucking watch fucking Conan O'Brien. It was like 15 years ago.

What's that? It's all good, bro. Let's let it pass. You're a crazy person, Naveed. How dare you? Take shot. She's so mad about that right now. Hey, I saw your act.

Maybe you should steal a couple fucking jokes. Maybe you act. Maybe you should steal a couple fucking jokes. Maybe you don't want to steal a couple fucking jokes. Why are you getting so defensive, man? Oh my god. Naveed, how dare you? Look at him. He's hunched over. I've fucking forgotten more funny shit than you'll ever write in your life.

That's probably true. Naveed, you're done. If you've been doing this for 25 years, you can critique me. Now go sit down. Naveed, you're done. I've been doing this for 25 years. You can critique me. Now go sit down. Naveed Sultan, everybody. There he goes. Naveed. There he goes.

Messing with one of the greats. I love his style. Oh, you used to work with Sam Kinison? Well, I just got here from Dallas. Fuck you. I hate white people. A lot of extra confidence on that guy. I like how he says there's just so many white people here.

Where the fuck do you think you are? Especially since he came from Dallas where there's just more white people. Maybe that's why he hates white people. He came from Texas. That makes sense. Has to. Not that there's anything wrong with Texas. I'm from Texas. Yeah. That makes sense. Yeah, that has to. That makes sense. It has to. There's no fucking... Not that there's anything wrong with Texas.

I'm just saying. Right. It's not white. No, an Indian in Texas. Cowboy in India, you know. Cowboys in India. I don't think that's the same kind of Indian, Brian. I don't know if you took the history classes, but...

What's that one? I pulled another name out of the bucket. Let's meet Jason Michael. Holy shit. I'm in it now, huh? I just came from San Diego, moved up here the other day. I'm homeless. It's kind of funny because I used to make jokes about what if I was homeless and I've already

been beat up once for standing out there with a sign that says we'll work harder for food than this guy didn't work out too well luckily I do have a little bit of money saved up so I've been trying to think about what I might do with this money I was thinking maybe take a ad out on a bus stop bench then sleep on that bench I can they kick me off a bench if my fucking face is on it I don't think they can excuse me sir what the fuck are you doing you need to leave well I see my face right there yeah I see it well that means that I can sleep on this bench it's my fucking bench I'm so glad to be out here you know my one of my main dreams would

be to meet Christopher Walken I love that guy I think he can do anything and I would love to hear him tell me about my set just be like you know Jason I gotta tell you my friend you're good You're real good. But maybe... Oh, jeez. More cowbell? No bear on that. Straight to the gun. Somebody shot the bear on its way in. Hey, thanks, guys. That was fun.

Jason, stay up here. Where are you going? Okay. There you go. I met you last night. You did? Remember I came in... Talk into the microphone, Jason.

I came in by mistake last night. I thought the open mic. I think I ran into you. You told me to come check in. I wasn't here last night. You weren't here last night? He wasn last night even in this state it wasn't next door at the no well was I smoking maybe someone's walking around and the kill Tony mask that's right good thing could be a lot of people don't have a face thin enough to pull it off he was talking to Louis C.K. How long have you been doing stand-up?

About five years. Really? Really? Yeah. Really? Really. Really? Really.

Okay. How many, if you had to guess, how many times on average a year that you've gone up over these five years, how many times would you guess? It's been a while, actually. It up over these five years, how many times would you guess? It's been a while, actually. It's been about five years. Probably about five years. No, no, it's a trap in a barrel. Come on!

Guys, get your ass up. Please don't stand up. Come on up, Doug. We need another chair. Chair, chair, chair, chair. We need another chair. We're killing it. Chair, chair, chair, chair. Yeah. Yeah. Give him the mic.

I'll just defend this guy. You just direct the questions towards me, and I will act as his attorney. His attorney. Your pro bono, low rate, Saul Goodman attorney. A Christopher Walken impersonation. Don't you think it's... Maybe it's the first time my client has ever heard Christopher Walken. He's homeless.

How many homeless people have television or Netflix? None of them! Prosecutor, I defer to you! Okay. That was very well answered. And you actually convinced me. All right. Thank you.

Please don't talk unless I drove you. Okay. The park bench one. Yeah, the park bench thing that just naturally sends everybody into a danger. Yes, my client, if he's homeless, probably can't afford to put his face on a park bench. But perhaps he has a fat head of himself from when he was a child before he was left by parents that were abusive to you. Describe the sexual abuse by your parents.

Where do I start? Where they ended. I declare a mistrial. I say, come back in five years. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. And then we'll sentence then. Jimmy Schuber, ladies and gentlemen.

Doug Stanhope. Doug Stanhope. Guys. Awesome. You've been remanded. Guys, give it up for Doug Stanhope, everyone. The legend. Fucking brilliant. Hang out, Doug.

There might be some more people that need defending in a little bit. Jason, what do you do for fun? Sleeps on a park bench. Why don't you listen? No, I like to shoot pool. All right, talk into the mic. I like to shoot pool. You are like one of the best dressed homeless people

that I've ever seen before. Thank you kindly. It's only been a couple days. Give me a few weeks. What happened? Just, it was either get another nine to five job that I can't fucking stand or chase a dream. And, you know, I chose to chase a dream.

I'm going to either succeed or fail, but I'm going to give it all I got, damn it. You know, back when I was, many years ago when I was a fucking doorman here, I used to fucking sleep on the roof of this fucking joint. Really? Yeah, man, many years ago for a couple nights I have a couple friends. Let me count sir, but yeah, you're chasing the dream man, but that's cool So I love you know get fucking serious lose the fucking Christopher Walken impression. Everybody does it everybody does You're physically sweating right now. Oh god. Yes

Yeah, I'm sweating like a motherfucker You get really nervous on stage, huh? I was not expecting this I'm glad that I did it because this is what I want to do When you say you weren't expecting this, what do you mean exactly? I didn't know if this would be the night Where what?

To get on stage and do something Have you signed up for this show before? Not here in LA Somewhere else The Hoya Comedy Store Did you get on that night? and uh-huh you know it's been a while this show before uh not here in l.a right somewhere else yeah the hoya comedy store oh okay did you get on that night yeah how did that go uh surprisingly this wasn't my best but i i used to do the best of san diego there oh okay about five years ago okay how's it going you getting up around town what was that you getting up around town you're gonna run other places uh this is my second day here. Cool. So trying trying it out

from San Diego from San Diego. Chula Vista. And you came up in a car. Yeah, he was walking. I was waiting for it. I was waiting for it. Got nice. Nice. So, Matty just fucking Mayweathers that shit. A little three-pointer from the outside. Yeah, exactly. What kind of car? Honda Civic. Holy shit. And you're a tall guy.

How tall are you? 6'2". 6'2", and a Civic. So, what do you sit in the driver's seat, or do you go fetal position in the back seat? Depends on the mood, but usually just in the front. Usually in the front. You just recline back. Where's your favorite place to park and sleep?

24-hour fitness because I got a membership and I can shower there. See, that's the move. That's what you fucking do. You join a gym because you got somewhere to go work out. You can shower at night and pass out on the bench. I can tell by your body that you just use them for the showers. It's funny because I'm like 120 pounds. I shouldn't really get to make that trip.

So what did you leave behind in San Diego? No family or job or anything crazy? What's going on down there? Well, my mom, she's still down there. She just moved. We just sold our house after 60 years in the family. So it was kind of hard. But she's down

there girlfriends in tijuana oh really wow what's the story behind money huh yeah somebody's got to bring home the girlfriend what is that uh no she she's down there she's a teacher she's a real smart girl you know we're uh thinking about taking things further we We'll see what happens. Wow. Taking things further, like to your passenger seat? Will you ride shotgun with me for life? That guy's fucking homeless, man. What do you kick him when he's down? Jesus Christ. Come on.

He's already had his day in court. Fuck yeah. You have an interesting spirit about you. Thank you. Five years. So what happened in between that you weren't doing much stand-up? Life. Like what?

I was working in hotels for a long time. What were you doing there? Valet. Parking cars and stuff. It's fun sometimes. You know, you meet some interesting people. Yeah.

Yeah, exactly. Like anything, anything. Any good stories? I know other people who drive Hondas. Yeah. Did you ever take naps

in other people's cars? The Kardashians were just at my hotel though right before I quit. All right. And Kanye was there. It was funny. He came back in the Rolls Royce and he looks at my hotel, though, right before I quit. All right. And Kanye was there. It was funny. He came back in the Rolls Royce, and he looks at me, and he goes,

Hey, man, make sure you lock it. And I looked at him, and I went, Man, I drive a Honda Civic, and I locked that car, sir. Don't worry about it. I have a question. Did you steal his fucking mustard? Now, when Kim got off the seat in your parking or car, did you smell the seat immediately? Because I think that's

what everyone here would do. Or did you wait a minute or two? Oh, no. I touched the seat, of course. Oh, yeah. You didn't smell it. Touched it with your hand. Was there a little grease spot in there? And then smelled your hand. Oh, of course. Right. So, what did you get from it? Cherry Pez.

Oh, Jesus. Alright. Jason, I love how hard you laugh at your own jokes uh i gotta this is great man i love this yeah it is fun um what else jason tell us something about your life. What makes you different than other people? What makes me different? I don't know. How old are you? 36. Fuck yeah. Jesus, man, you're asking a lot of questions.

You got a fucking subpoena? I'm trying to find out something about this guy. He seems like a glass of water right now. How did you end up homeless? My choice. This is going to sound really stupid, but I could have stayed at friends houses and stuff but I got a cat and they won't take the

cat and I can't get rid of it you know that cat was with me through some very difficult times through addiction and getting clean you know and I'm not so litter box in your civic with you damn right i don't holy shit right wow you're damn right i do that is that immediately makes it like the craziest starter story out of anybody like however people get attached to their cat man what. What are you going to do? Oh, my God. My friend's cat has cat diabetes. He's got to shoot the fucking thing up twice a fucking, twice a day, $900 a month in medication. He goes, what would you do? I go, you know, I'd fucking put two behind his head. What happened to your cat?

We were playing Sopranos. He was wearing a wire, fucking rules are rules. Right in the back of the head. Take him out. But good for you. Good for you and the cat. It sounds like an ABC after school special. Story about a boy and his fucking cat. We're still living in a car together.

Right. What's the cat's name? Gizmo. Gizmo. Oh, wow. Yes. That's exactly why I named him that. He looks exactly like him. What were you addicted to. What were you- That's exactly why I named him that. He looks exactly like him. What were you addicted to?

I didn't even remember. What were you battling? Oxy. Really? Yeah. Oh, fuck. Yeah, it took five years of my life. Oh, now it all makes sense.

Occidental college? You went to Occidental College in five years? Now we know what happened to those five years, right? Right. You just started with the pads, went right to the needle. No, I started with the pads went right to the needle and no started with prescription medication it wasn't like a you know it wasn't a thing that I went out to do did you start taking it legitimately did you start taking it from managing pain I was and then then I got out of control what was the pain

what was the pain he threw his back out carrying a show one night He threw his back out carrying a show one night. Cut. So, well, that's interesting. The old cat in the car. I say the old cat in the car like I've ever thought about it before. So I'm just curious. Like, what's the situation?

Where's the litter box? Did you just open up the glove box, put some sand in it, and get the party started? Or what? What's the litter box did you just open up the glove box put some sand in it and get the party started or what like what's the setup front seats pulled up cat cat shitter is on the floor when your cat takes a shit in the car do you say in your honda do you say look who just did a civic duty that was good i like like that. Holy shit. That's it. Joke of the night. That was a good one. You're not going to be able to beat that. I don't even have anything to say to that.

That was good. Oh, my God. Boom. Well, Jason, you're not on Twitter. No. Not on social media. Well, I'm going to get a fucking apartment for that. Jesus.

He fucking manages social media. I'm going to get a fucking apartment for that. He fucking manages social media. His cat has a fucking Twitter handle. Oh my God. Jason, good luck. Thank you. Thank you guys so much. It was a pleasure. Fun times.

Jason Michael. Holy shit. Cat in the car. That's incredible. There's people that will watch your cat for you, by the way. Public service announcement. I don't understand how the cat just doesn't jump out and run for its life. It must be looking at all of the wild like you have to be fucking kidding me man

looking at other cats in other windows of apartments and the cat other cats are just like you fucking loser what are you doing in that car you idiot cat a cat curled up by the Christmas tree and it threw a window fire has to smell it's a cat he doesn't fucking know any better in a while to be sleeping inside a fucking bear carcass yeah he's in a Honda Civic that's a fucking upgrade I love it does he get to drive in the carpool lane that's a great fucking question and I wonder it's a human thing. Yeah. But if he got pulled over,

the officer would be like, oh, I feel so terrible. Uh, you have to go. I'm not going to give you a ticket for anything. He turns a corner and poop just goes everywhere. Why would that happen?

Because what is he on a horse and carriage? No, because of the cat litter. Why would, Oh Jesus. Holy shit. Really? You got pulled over. Oh my God. oh jesus holy shit really you got pulled over oh my god unbelievable oh my god i wouldn't i wouldn't let it accumulate i would

fucking as soon as you did one immediately why would you have any why would you have any turds in there man yeah there's really no need to hold on to that alright I pulled another name out of the bucket put your hands together for Brent Schmidt oh no no Doug Schmidt

you know what that means. Is that you, Doug? No, that's Sean Halpin. Say hi to Sean Halpin, everybody. Make it Halpin. At Sean Halpin. Put your hands together for your next comedian, Doug Key. Thank you. All right.

What's up? All right. Let's see. My psychiatrist is telling me that my problem is I don't love myself. I need to learn to love myself. I thought I was in love with myself, but thanks to him, I found out it was just a physical thing. I was just using myself. My doctor is telling me That

Jeez Forgot that one Oh man Man my doctor Asked me he says Have I been having any Unprotected sex lately Yeah but

Only with myself I don't see why I should suit up just for practice. I thought I was developing Tourette's syndrome. I kept having these uncontrollable outbursts of profanity. A doctor checked me out and said, no, you don't have Tourette's. You got something else. I'm like, what else causes uncontrollable outbursts of profanity? He said, hatred. Wow.

Doug King, I could tell from the second that you walked up here that you were a badass motherfucker. Where are you visiting from? I'm here from L.A. Really? Yeah. You do stand-up here in L.A.? Yeah.

I'm surprised I've never seen you before. You're so funny. How long have you been doing it? About eight months this time. Great joke writing. Yeah. Really good construction. Yeah.

And great everything else. You had my attention from the very beginning. Thank you. You commanded it. I mean, even the part where like you sort of ran out of breath and reset on the doctor joke you still had me interested i didn't expect it and you know what the other thing is too is we would have known that if you didn't fucking tell us that you know you could have you know kind of stalled until you got the rest of the

idea nobody would have fucking known you forgot anything. Without knowing you, I could tell you were being you. You know what I'm saying? You sound like that's a real voice. There's no actor putting on. No, this is me. Yeah, it's cool. And you also did something else

that not enough people do on this show, and that's you took your time. Even, I mean, discounting the part where you ran out of breath. Like with other things you were you really you know it gets people to listen and it makes sense when you talk naturally so what's your story man you're so funny and cool um well I just uh I've always they told me I was funny and I went up on a bet one time. How'd that go?

Hmm? How'd that go? It went good. Yeah. I got a laugh, and I got hooked. Yeah. So I just started writing, and I just, you know, do as much as I can. Can't stay up as much as I can.

You said eight months this time. What was your other run? A couple of years, but I had some health problems, car accident, and it laid me off for a while. Gotcha. Yeah. How are you feeling now? Better? Feeling good.

You know, I mean, as well as could be expected, you know. They got you on the medical marijuana? Yeah, all the time. Yeah, usually. That's great. I'm feeling pretty good. My doctor told me that I'm as, you know, for someone of my age, I'm relatively, you know, whatever that means.

I mean, how healthy is someone of my age supposed to be and where it is relatively fit well how old are you how old are you uh it's my favorite number 69 wow yeah wait a second good for you you're so tall, is it even possible for you to do a 69 with anybody? Basically, you get to get your dick sucked while you just stare at an ass for a few minutes. That's the best kind. He does a 68. That's what they do with him, and he owes him one. Hey. I love that.

That's not a bumper sticker. Did they steal that from fucking the intro. Yeah. Doug, that is so fucking cool. You have such a like a younger spirit. It's incredible. What do you I would have never guessed 69. That's funny. Yeah, definitely not. That's that's amazing.

What what do you do for a living, or what have you done? Well, I've done a lot of stuff. You know, jack of all trades, net master of none. I was a roadie for a while. With who? He was a roadie for an air guitar band. All right, you guys ready to go? Let's go.

God, sorry. I couldn't resist. That was amazing. Oh, my God. Who were you a roadie for? Well, I started out with Stevie Wonder. Holy fucking shit. And the great part about that job is you can just put his shit anywhere.

He doesn't even know. You're right. We put it all away, Stevie. Everything's already in the truck. Wow. How long did you work with Stevie for? About three years. Wow.

That's amazing. Any family connection to him? Hmm? About three years. Wow. That's amazing. Any family connection to him? Hmm? Any family connection to him? That's him over here. Do you have any family connection to Stevie Wonder? No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Well, the family connection was my dad.

He was Steve's musical director. Really? Wow. So he hooked me into the roadie job. So he was like the, like organized the band? Yeah, he did. He was the musical director. He directed all the music.

Thank you. What the fuck are you talking about? Pat, you know what he's talking about. You're supposedly a musician. You got a fucking guitar in your hand for Christ's sake. Musical director? What did I do? I'm a songwriter.

I know your early arrangements and did the orchestration for the band and stuff like that, the string arrangements and that type of thing. Wow. Yeah, is there any openings for a guy with a fucking guitar? Is that your next question? No. I'm a songwriter. Doug, so that's cool. You worked

for Stevie for a while. What ended up happening? A lot of late nights having fun? Did stuff get crazy? A lot of late nights, having fun. I was with him during the Stones tour. That was the most fun I had. Holy fucking shit. You were there in the mix, sold out stadiums, just shit going crazy

back when shit used to actually get crazy. It was fun. Wow. Look how serious he got. Did you see that? Yeah, that was awesome. That's why he's so fucking cool, bro. He's doing some shit.

It's all starting to make some sense to me. Some real cool experience. Did you get spill-off groupies? Oh, I have stories. Oh, I can't even imagine. I can't even imagine. Do you get on stage a lot? It seems like you're so good at it

I'd imagine you'd really love doing it Oh yeah, I love doing this I'll be at the Laugh Factory Oh cool That's what you want to do, promote the fucking competition down the fucking street I'll be at the Ice House on the 24th Nice

Of January Oh okay oh yeah and you can follow your tickets milk I'm barely into the cyber stuff so you know I love it we could tell you just called it cyber stuff fucking still listen to the 8-track tapes and right cut him some slack it's so so cool you're a bad motherfucker thank you i love that thank you give me a job what's that give me a job put me to work i love it i i'd love to i'd love to i'll tell i i gotta it out. I don't know what to do with you. Oh man, I've got hours of stuff. What's that? I've got hours of material. Really? You've got to fucking...

I actually like that. How would you like to be a new Kill Tony roadie? A lot of people have been saying that we're the modern Stevie Wonder of the 60s. Come back. Sign up again soon, will you? What? Huh? Will you come sign up again soon for this show? We'd love to have you back.

Will you pull my name again? Yeah, absolutely. Definitely. Okay, great. Great job, man. All right. Thank you. Doug Key.

Doug Key. D-O-U All right, thank you. Doug Key. Doug Key. D-O-U-G-K-E-E. Eight months in the game, murdering at the age of 69. That's great. So fucking cool. I love that. Love it, love it, love it.

Pulled another name out of the bucket. We're in the mix now. Put your hands together for Jake Handler. That's what I say. I can't get you home. Ha-ha! Hi, guys. I recently met a stripper named Karma.

Yeah, it was really bad. I declined to lap dance with her because of your name is a constant reminder of every time I've ever wronged somebody or every time I've dumped a baby into a dumpster. But I'm just going to be too distracted to come into my track pants. But I like stripper names, but I wish they would be more respectable, like diploma or accomplishment or respect. Any of those would work, but if you're going to go the dirty route,

be accurate. If your name is Candy, be sucking on a lollipop. That's sexy. And if your name is Big Mama, then you should be 500 pounds, eating a hoagie, and showing off your C-section scar. Beat 500 pounds eating a hoagie and showing off your C-section scar. But, you know, I like the announcers too when they come in like,

Ladies and gentlemen, get your dollars ready to go on the main stage for Monopoly. There's never been a stripper named Monopoly, but if she does exist, then I get to wear a top hat and a monocle and throw fake money at her. Thanks, you guys. Fuck yeah, Jake Handler.

When you walked up here, I thought you were delivering a newspaper. Newspaper, by the way. Extra! Extra! Extra, extra. Jake, I'm going to just take a guess here. I'm probably way off. I'm going to guess that you've been doing stand-up about two years,

and you're from the San Francisco area. I'm from the Valley, and this is my first time ever. Wow. There you go. Jake Handler, throwing me off. First time ever. The elephant of first timing. Amazing.

Jake Handler, well, welcome to stand up comedy why don't you give him a round of applause fooled me I thought he was a stand up from the bay area for two years because I feel like he did and looks like a guy that's done stand up

from the bay area for two years I was going basically off of a look and fake energy I think stand up comics done stand-up from the Bay Area for two years. I was going basically off of a look and fake energy. I think stand-up comics, well, it was fake energy. A lot of nervous energy. My ass is real swampy right now. What was the noise you made

when you went on stage? Did you recreate it? Ha-ha! That was fake energy. First of all, I like that. That should be your get-or-done. You should be your getter done. You should do that after every joke. Every single one? Every single punchline.

Just fire one off right now. Ha ha? No, you're already overthinking it. Forget it. For your first time, it's great. There's not really much to keep on doing. The stripper voice thing, you'll see that a thousand times at open mics. You'll get there. What's at open mics, but you'll get,

you'll get there. Yeah. What's this? What's some stuff from your real life? What have you been doing for work? What do you, I'm a full-time guitar technician for Schecter guitars. Can you fix Pat?

His, his, this sounded like shit all night. Hey, all right. It's good, Pat. I love it. So, wow, that's amazing. So you play guitar, obviously. Yes, it's good, Pat. It's all right. I love it. So, wow, that's amazing.

So you play guitar, obviously. Yes, I've been playing a band since I was 12. Cool. Probably sure is. What made you switch from playing music to doing stand-up? What made you want to do that? I started playing music when I was 12, like I just said, and I have always wanted to be a stand-up comedian

since I was a really little kid watching George Carlin and Eddie Murphy and shit like that. I figured I'm 29 now. If I don't start doing it, I'll kill myself or I'd regret it forever. Have you ever thought about putting the two together, kind of like what Pat does, like comedy and music? Yeah. Is that what he does?

He's evil-eyed. Is that what that is? He's actually more of a musician. He's a fucking songwriter! I would say he's more of a musician. He's a fucking songwriter. I think he killed it. I really liked his songs. Those were great.

He's a songwriter. That's direct. I wouldn't fucking, I wouldn't say that. You know, quit bragging, all right? I mean, Pat gets up at comedy shows and does music comedy kind of, but he's more of a musician in his real life but it might work for you it's music that happens to be funny I really like that I mean you ever write any funny song I do sing yeah what's the name of your band last ban

always in was called dead things in war Oh sounds like a band can you sing us a five-second lyric from one of the your hit songs probably not it's probably not the best venue for that. Really? It always ends up crushing. What key is it? We had a guy last week. Can you give him a fucking play a couple more?

Oh, please no. Oh, please no. Please don't do that. But you could tell it came from his spinal cord. That was like the paper boy saying. Yeah, there was a person. Oh, please, Mr. Please no.

Extra, extra, please no. Please don't. Extra, extra. Please don't. Please take a paper. Do you plan on going up more now? Yeah, absolutely. I wanted to do it, and I'm committing to doing it. I've been writing jokes, and I want to keep doing it. That's so fucking cool. Thank you.

That's amazing. What else are you planning on talking about? I got one about just stripper names the whole time. Not one about... Just stripper names the whole time? Not stripper names the whole time. I think the other one was one about where I talk about a tiny dick that I have. A? You have a tiny dick?

A tiny dick that you have? It looks like... Is it yours? It looks like a... I keep it in a case. You sure it's not a mole? It looks like an Uncle Fester action figure made of chewed bubble gum that's been sitting out in the sun for three hours. Really?

That's what your dick looks like? No. Only when I'm drunk. Oh. I mean, you have a small dick? No, no, no. Sorry, Tony. Why would you write a small dick joke?

Because I thought it was really funny. Huh. I guess not. So let me ask you a question. Did you spend a lot of time at strip clubs, or did you just thought that was funny funny. Huh. I guess not. So let me ask you a question. Did you spend a lot of time at strip clubs, or did you just thought that was funny as well? I have spent quite a bit of time at strip clubs. A lot of time in Florida strip clubs. What were you doing there?

Visiting my idiot friends in Tampa. What about Portland strip clubs? Tampa's a crazy place. That's my next stop. Portland. I got buddies in there. Tuesday nights. They have a thing called Tiny Tuesdays at this devil lounge or some shit.

Yeah, and it's like all girls are 5'2 or under. It's like Tom Waits came up with that idea. That'll make my dick look way bigger. You don't have a small dick, though. Well, if you have a small dick, one of the good things you should do is decorate your bedroom in Barbie furniture. That way when you're naked, your cock will look enormous. Barbie furniture. Barbie furniture.

Well, that was another one. I just got my new children's sex toy in the mail. I just got my new children's sex toy, and I have to say I'm really pleased with my new Polly Pocket pussy. I see what you did there. Fuck yeah. Silence for days. Jake, it was nice to meet you. We got to move on. Cheers, thanks. Congratulations. Come back. Good job, man. That guy busted his cherry

on the Kill Tony show. That's how it happens, baby. He's never going to forget that moment. He's on Twitter at the Jacob Handler. Any relation to Chelsea? Fuck you. Oh! You can tell he's a first-timer by that bad

improvisational response, everybody. It's always yes and. Always go with the bit. Fuck you doesn't work unless he murdered up here. But I just had to move on for time. Anyway, put your hands together for her. We have a regular.

She doesn't get pulled out of the bucket. Every single week she writes and performs a brand new minute of comedy. This week's no different. Put your hands together for her. It's Melissa Esslinger, everyone. Thank you. I think I joined a cult this weekend on accident. I went to the Museum of Psychiatry,

and I, like, came out a member. In retrospect, there were a few warning signs, like the way it started in a padded room, pitch black, and there were benches that looked like church pews. It's called the Museum of Psychiatry and Industry of Death. Which I think is alright.

But also Sorry. Oh shit. Sorry, I have a migraine. Oh fuck. Maybe the part Sorry. Oh, shit. Sorry, I have a migraine. I'm trying to... Oh, fuck. Balls. Maybe the part when they strapped me to a chair

and started dripping water on my head probably should have been a sign. That didn't really happen, obviously, but I thought, okay. But yeah, so I was leaving and I bought a t-shirt. Can I have a fox? Boom.

Melissa Esslinger, everybody, with four apologies and one punchline. More apologies than punchlines. I didn't get to my favorite one either. You had a favorite one coming? Yeah. You decided to back end it on the other side of 60 seconds? Yeah, but I didn't make it there.

I love it. Can I? What is the Museum of Psychiatry? psychiatry oh shit so i didn't know anything about it i didn't know anything about it uh on saturday i was like friday okay no it was a saturday that i went so yeah sorry so what is but um so i just wanted to go to a museum so i just like looked up stuff and I was like that sounds interesting um later I found out it's directly associated with Scientology right how many people knew that by round of applause well clearly I don't pay attention to things it's a lot of loud clappers but it's only like

it only appeared to be like you know 15 20 percent you really didn't give us that information you know what I mean and sort of it's one of like, you have to know it's there things for that to even really hit. Okay. You described something. Like, you described padded walls, which when you enter and go, they do, like, a video presentation, like, typically how you go to a museum and they show a video. But the museum has literally padded walls.

By round of applause, how many people have been inside the museum? Okay. You guys should go. It's so... Why would anybody go to that? It's a trip. It's something to see. It was interesting

but where I fucked up is... Okay, I still didn't know its association or its affiliation, whatever. I didn't know. And there's a shirt that said... I just thought... I't even care i just i thought it was a cool shirt so i bought it what did the shirt say got scientology is that what it said what no fuck no no it said um it said uh childhood is not a disorder and i related to that because of stuff childhood is not a disorder i thought it was whatever i don't know maybe did you buy the t-shirt yeah and they related to that because of stuff. Childhood is not a disorder. I thought it was whatever.

I don't know. Maybe I'm stupid. Did you buy the t-shirt? Yeah, and they were like, that gets you free membership. And I was like... Wow. Wow.

Is that all it takes? I love that you left that very compelling part of this entire story out. I was getting to that. I was going to say, I didn't know that that means I've been there, done that, became a Scientologist.

I didn't know that that's what... How far in did you get before you realized what was happening? Well, I still... They said they were a non-profit organization. Right. As soon as you walk in, you know something's wrong. Yeah, totally. That's fucking nuts. Dude, I was a Harry Krishna for three blocks and caught in a crosswalk. right um as soon as you walk in you know something's wrong yeah it's totally that's

fucking nice dude i was a harry krishner for three blocks and caught in a crosswalk yeah and it's it wasn't i think part of me like it it's totally weird the minute you walk in and i think like i was trying to like figure them out by just like letting it go however they were you know but uh you know whatever i knew yeah it was weird it was weird i'm still glad that it happened because it was kind of funny but right they have a room they have a room in there where you walk in and and the walls are like a school room yeah you walk through a metal detector and it beeps did It's like Columbine Exhibition. Pat, did you know when you went to the Museum of Psychiatry

that it was a Scientologist trap? Oh yeah. I don't really know anything about Scientology at all. Except that it seems wacko. Okay. So Pat, when you went there, were you just basically, like, trolling them?

Yeah, we were just cracking jokes. You went with some buddies. Yeah. And you were, like, roasting the whole thing. Yeah. What was your favorite part of it? The Columbine room. Just the padded.

What's the Columbine room? It's like you walk through a metal detector, and then they have all these articles, and they have videos on the wall from the day the shooting happened. And the pretense is that the reason these shootings happened are because of psychiatric medication. And that's the pretense of everything that they just show you, a litany of horrible things. You walk from one fucking mind-blowing dungeon-esque room to another, and they're like, that's Paxil. Paxil did that.

Wow. And then they're like, and then they come at you like, ah, Pat, it's nice to see you. Yeah, it's so wild. It was wild. I knew something was up, but I thought it was harmless.

That part doesn't matter. You bought merch. Well, I mean, I didn't feel good about it immediately. But you loved the shirt. Not anymore. I want to take it back. How much was the shirt?

It was $15. $15 t-shirt. And when did you realize that it was Scientology? Right after that. Well, with how weird it was, I immediately, when I left, I looked it up. I right after that. Well, with how weird it was, I immediately, when I left, I looked it up. I looked up, you know, kind of the,

just what is the Museum of Psychiatry? And I looked up the nonprofit organization that they attribute themselves to, which is, yes. Holy shit, somebody hates Scientology over here. I'm gonna go for a t-shirt. Another disgruntled. Jesus, holy shit. Somebody hates Scientology over here. Another disgruntled. I'm still trying to get Tom Cruise on Kill Tony,

so I'm not going to say anything bad about Scientology. I was going to try to make a joke about him appearing too, but I didn't quite. You were going to try to make a joke about that? Yeah. What happened in your set? What? What happened in your set in the middle where you gave up? I really do

have like a migraine in my I like seem like you peed your pants well I started to feel like I might throw up not because of nerves this time my head really hurting right now but I'm good yeah I get those they hurt so much you feel like you're gonna get your nauseous yeah I think the lights are you know making it yeah well you know a lesson to be learned by that is, again, and we told somebody else this earlier in the show, we don't know that you're suffering from any problems until you start apologizing.

And apologizing on stage, and we've talked about this a few weeks now, it's just really like not, it's not really an option. Yeah. Don't ever apologize for anything. Call yourself in the moment. You can say anything in the world

other than I'm sorry. You just simply can't do that ever again. Cool? There you go. Go take care of your headache. Melissa Esslinger, everybody. Migraine. Migraining through it. Writes a brand new minute every single week. Fun fact, everybody.

We have a brand new minute every single week. Fun fact, everybody. We have a brand new regular. This young lady is going to be the new regular, and she's going to write and perform a brand new minute every single week from here until forever. Put your hands together for her. It's Vanessa Johnston,

everybody. The exclusive first look. Hi, everybody. The exclusive first look. Hi, guys. My mom has schizophrenia, which I can't even spell, but she has it. So she sees demons. So growing up as a kid was always weird.

I would come home and I'd be like, Mom, is Dad home? She'd be like mom is dad home she'd be like no honey but Lucifer is I'm like okay I guess he's cool too one time when I was a kid she sent me out to build a night to barricade the house with a zombie apocalypse and I called my grandma because I was a grandma what the fuck and she was like listen your mother she's just stressed and I was like it's a school night I have a spelling test tomorrow I'm stressed how do you spell schizophrenia I don't know I think my mom is having an affair with Nicolas Cage.

Because where else would she be getting these bad movie ideas? Not sure. There she is, Vanessa Johnston. Working out another new minute. This is what, your third time on the show? First time as the new regular. How's it going? Good.

I mean, okay. Yeah. Nice to talk to you. Welcome to regularly performing. How do you feel about writing a new minute every single week? Performing it in front of hundreds of thousands of listeners. I mean, yeah. I love that.

Okay. We just fell in love. Show's over, yeah. I love that. Okay, we just fell in love. Show's over, everybody. Vanessa, what's your story? We mentioned last week you used to work at HBO, and now you have some executive job, something like that, some smarty pants job, right? Is your mom really a schizophrenic? Yeah, she is.

Wow. Where are you from? Minnesota. Minnesota, and that's where the mom is. schizophrenic? Yeah, she is. Wow. Where are you from? Minnesota. Minnesota. And that's where the mom is. Uh-huh. Fuck yeah. She's coming out here in a couple weeks. The land of 10,000 lakes. It is the land of, yep. The land of 100,000 lakes if you have schizophrenia.

Is it how controlled is it or how bad is it? That must have been really hard having your mom be schizophrenic. Yeah. I mean, she goes in and out of the ward like every couple months Wow Yeah She comes up for meds or she just no it's just like cuz she Has a lot of like she tastes like nicotine gum and like she takes a lot of supplements and it interacts with a medication

So there is always like a chemical imbalance, but she's had it since I was a lot. Since I was born. Nicotine gum is her thing. Which she used to be a heavy smoker. On coffee because it affects your serotonin dopamine receptors. Totally. Yeah. Yeah. You can't drink on that stuff either.

I mean, it's just it's, you know, you take the medication. You get really. Yeah. Interesting. So she used to be a heavy smoker and now she's hooked on the gum. Yeah. She does both. She chews gum and smokes.

Oh, shit. Wow. Well, she's hooked on the gum yeah she does both she chews gum and smokes oh oh shit wow well she's schizophrenic bro right she chews gum and smokes yeah there was no gum the whole time there was no gum there i guess that one was just for us. Vanessa, what else? How long have you been on stand-up? Six months. Six months. Fuck yeah. Welcome to the family.

Welcome to the Kill Tony team. Any parting words for Vanessa, Matt Edgar? Yeah, keep on diving in your mom. That's fascinating. Yeah, totally. I wish my mom was schizophrenic. I have way more material. Every comic says that to me. Every single one. Yeah, you gotta let it

rip, even though it seems like it's not gonna be. That's such a fucking horrible fucking thing to say. I wish I had a mom that was schizophrenic. I'd have a new 20 minutes. This is hard, man. It's hard coming from perfection. Vanessa, thank you. Vanessa Johnston, man. It's hard coming from perfection. Vanessa, thank you. Good job.

Welcome. Vanessa Johnston, everybody. I believe she's on Twitter at Vanessa Johnston or something like that. Vanessa Johnston on Twitter? Yeah, something. What is it? What is it? Okay, forget it.

Here's the drawing from Ryan Chae Ebel. We did it. We got through another episode Pat Reagan is Patty Reagan Follow him on Twitter, Ryan J. Ebel RyanJEbel.com You can buy a print from your favorite episode of Kill Tony I like that rendition of myself

He did a good job He's great Jimmy Schubert, you're on Twitter at Jimmy Schubert Go to JimmySchubert.com Instagram, ShubyDuby Tour dates Basically Recording a special

Yeah, at the end of January at Flappers There you go, JimmySchubert.com Matt Edgar's on Twitter What else, Matty? This is not happening Comedy Central He's on it Good night, everybody

Thank you, live audience. Thank you. Jamie Vernon. Austin, Dallas, 26th, 27th. He said that he was talented A rockin' sucker I take new checks and fix the facts Cause I'm a producer with computers

Fixes all my shitty tracks I'm pissed off but I'm too polite One thing that breakin' up a dollar's line Mama, daddy, baby, so I'll cry Gotta cuss on the microphone Thank you.