KILL TONY - KILL TONY #141

Episode Date: February 13, 2016

Adam Ray, Matt Braunger, Tony Hinchcliffe, Josh Martin, Jeremiah Watkins, Melissa Eslinger, Pat Regan, Vanessa Johnston, Brian Redban - Date: 01/25/2016 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Order up for Damien. Hey, how did your doctor's appointment go, by the way? Did you ask about Rebelsis? Actually, I'm seeing my doctor later today. Did you say Rebelsis? My dad's been talking about Rebelsis. Rebelsis? Really? Yeah, he says it's a pill that...

That's right! Did you know it's also covered by most private insurance plans? Well, I'll definitely be asking my doctor if Rebelsis is right for me. Rebelsis. Ask your doctor or visit Rebelsis.ca. Order up for Rebelsis. Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony here at DeathSquad.tv. Did you know you can subscribe to Just Kill Tony now on iTunes? Search the iTunes store for Kill Tony.

Hit subscribe. iTunes, search the iTunes store for Kill Tony. Hit subscribe. That way you'll have all the freshest episodes of Kill Tony delivered right to your mobile device. Also, Tony can be found at TonyHinchcliffe.com. That's his official website

where you can get all his merchandise and his tour dates and all the stuff there. Go to TonyHinchcliffe.com. And if you go to DeathSquad.TV not only do you have all the different Death Squad shows that we do, you can also click on tour dates to find out where Death Squad

is, we're at the Ice House every first and third Friday, that's a new thing we're not doing it every Friday anymore it's just too much, you know, doing it every week, so now we're first and third Friday. Kill Tony is every Monday at the Comedy Store.

And that's what you're listening to right now. And then we got the Roast Battle every Tuesday at the Comedy Store. And coming up in San Jose, March 18th and 19th, we have the Death Squad Dirty Show. It's me, Kate Quigley, and George Perez, March 18th and 19th at the San Jose Improv. Again, that's me, George Perez, and Kate Quigley. You can find all these tour dates by going to

DeathSquad.tv and clicking on tour dates. Last but not least, don't forget, check out ShopSquad.tv for all the official Death Squad merchandise. Alright, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Redman coming to you live from the Road Famous Comedy Store

for a brand new episode of Kill Tony, Volume 3. Give it up for Tony Hensclare. Holy shit. It's really happening, everybody. our new episode of Kill Tony, volume three. Give it up for Tony Hinsclare. Holy shit. It's really happening, everybody. Oh my goodness. What an electric Monday night, huh? We're fucking banging. Keep it going for Brian Redband,

ladies and gentlemen. Hey, guys. Shout out to Jamie Vernon, who couldn't make it, but his camera's still set up. Yeah. We have the great, the house artist, Ryan J. Ebelt, with a blank sheet of paper in front of him right now. He draws every single episode as it happens. Right now, it's a blank

sheet of paper. At the end, you're going to see that he made a poster specifically for the episode that you're at. And how about we make some crazy fucking noise for that amazing performance by one of my best friends, Jeremiah Watkins, ladies and gentlemen. That's awesome. Stepping in as the band leader tonight.

You know him as one of Pat Reagan's main cohorts. He was on the sax last week. And Jeremiah, one of the best. You're with us tonight. Good to be here. What's up, everybody? Jeremiah, what a rock star. After his electric performance, he gets to say, what's up, just like that.

Hey, what's up? Remember me from four minutes ago? How's it going, Jeremiah? Are you excited? It's good. I'm ready to rip this sax and see some awesome comedy. I'm pumped to have a saxophonist as the band leader tonight. Pat Reagan's going to join us at some point throughout the show.

Guys, huge announcement right now. We've been doing Kill Tony live on the road. We've been selling out every single city. We've gone to Pittsburgh, Columbus, Dallas, Austin. We have been murdering. And now we announce March 24th, Seattle, Washington, everybody. There you go, Seattle. Bang, bang, bang, Washington, everybody. There you go, Seattle. Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang.

And we're doing it. March 24th, live at the Parlor Live. That's a really big deal. And I'm still headlining Caroline's next week. That's for you New Yorkers watching the live stream right now. Live streamers, hello to you, to the thousands. Live audience, make some noise so that the people

listening, the thousands on Ustream and the hundreds of hundreds watching on Periscope, this show is live as fuck. And I'm at Caroline's next week, February 5th and 6th and... Hopefully no snow, man. Oh, it's going to be terrible.

That was close. Yeah. I'm there next week, February 5th and 6th. And Vancouver, all of the last week of February. So get tickets for my shows. And one shot, my Netflix special. I made a Netflix special, everybody. And you can find that on Netflix. On the front page, even. It was all over the place, everybody. And you can find that on Netflix. On the front page

even. It was all over the place, Tony. We are trending on Netflix. We are popular on Netflix. If your algorithm is on point, I should be on your front page. If I'm not on your front page, that means you like bad shit.

Netflix has a fucking algorithm to it. I'm so excited about one of my favorite things to do is every single Monday for two and a half years, we have this awesome show where we get to talk to brand new comedians and some established comedians that just landed in Hollywood and all shapes and

sizes of different types of comedians that are newer here at the Comedy Store. We're just getting to meet them. And every single week I have two of the funniest comedians in the world, sometimes three, but usually two, on the show to talk with these comedians with me. Always two of the funniest. You know these guys from Comedy Central, Workaholics, HBO, Comedy Central,

some network shows, some movies. Two of my funniest friends, two of the best comedians in the world. Put your hands together for Adam Ray and Matt Bronger, everybody. Come on. Oh, shit. This is going to be one of those episodes, I can just feel it, where people are going to be like, was that pre-written to all happen this way? Nice. Was that sax solo pre-written?

I like the chime in on the sax. Oh, yeah? Just the occasional. It sounds like one guy in the band is drunk, and he just keeps piping up every once in a while. Perfect. Exactly. That's all we want out of you, man. Nailed it.

He can take a note. He took a good note. Yeah. Drunk Sax, though, is, we were just talking about, probably the best. Not like Drunk Sax. Not like Drunk Sax. Like Drunk Flu, Drunk Oboe. Probably going to cause some concerns for the rest of the group.

Yeah, but Drunk Sax. Always smooth. Okay, cool. Yeah. There was nothing funny about that. This was just a conversation we were having. We mean it when the saxophone guy is drunk. Yeah, we meant it.

It's fine. Welcome back to the show, guys. You've both been guests on it before. How's life? What's going on? Everything good? Welcome back. Yeah, everything's great.

I love that. Everything's great. Happy New Year? Yes, definitely. What's your cutoff for Happy New Year, by the way? It was New Year's Day. It's not like birthday month for somebody. Once the day hits, that's it.

You look ahead to the next holiday. Yeah, exactly. Now when people say Happy New Year's, I'm like, is it already 2017? Your podcast has been all over the place. I see it on TMZ all the time. You've had a lot of bits. Oh, thanks.

Oh, wait, you meant Adam. Sorry, Matt. You have a podcast? Oh, yeah. It's called Ding Donger with Matt Bronger. No one's ever heard of it, but it's fun. But yours is blowing up. Go ahead. It is.

That's a good name for a podcast. What's the premise behind that podcast? I hitchhike into your life for half an hour, talk shit, and jump out. It's always me. I did guests for the very first time at Sketch Fest this year. Who was your guest? Fellow hitchhikers. Jonah Ray, Solomon Giorgio, and Beth Stelling. Funny people. Who was your guest? Fellow hitchhikers. Jonah Ray, Solomon

Giorgio, and Beth Stelling. Funny people. That must have been amazing. I was just chiming in literally as a joke because it's funny to me how unknown my podcast is, but go ahead with yours. It's crushing the world. Matt, I want to thank you for dressing like you're in season two of Fargo, by the way.

I'd say half Fargo, half the guy that moves the bikes in Sons of Anarchy. Like half and half. Yeah. I love it. I'm excited about tonight's show. Two of the funniest comedians hanging out, talking comedy with comedians. Comedians, over 40 of you signed up for the chance to do one minute on this stage tonight.

Always so fun. Comedians, you get called up. You come to the stage. You do 60 seconds. You know your 60 seconds is up when you hear the sound of a kitty. Aw, that's adorable. That means wrap it up then or else you're going to bring out the Angry West Hollywood Bear. Oh, wow, look at that.

What the fuck is that? 3D. 3D. I love it. So let's have some fun. You guys ready to kick off Kill Tony or what? Here we go. All right.

I feel it. I feel some magic in this bucket here tonight. Let's start off with a comedian named Nicole Buchanan. Hi guys. I'm a little worried about my dad's health. We went to the movies a couple weeks ago, and I heard snoring next to me, but when I turned, he was awake. So I was like, oh shit, that's just how you breathe now. Like a bulldog. I always tell him that he should try to go to a doctor or eat healthier. Or I say, you're going to put yourself in an early grave.

And I swear to God, my dad always goes, well, good, then you'll be happier. I'm like, dad, you know that's not true. Like, you don't make enough money for me to care. I'm not inheriting anything. No, my family loves me. They like to ask me why I'm still single, but before I can answer, they answer for me.

They're like, you're too picky, Nicole. You're too picky. I'm like, excuse me? I don't know. I guess I just imagine most families being like, nobody's good enough for my baby girl, but my family's like, lower your standards. Who do you think you are, bitch?

Thank you. Hello, Nicole. Welcome to the show. Thank you. Fuck yeah. Turn the page by Bob Seger. Yes, it was. Nicole Buchanan, welcome to the show. First time, right?

Yeah. Where are you from? Orange County. How long have you been doing stand-up? Like six months. Why does it look like you're doing the

Pledge of Allegiance right now? I a little bit feel like I'm going to throw up trying to hold it back. You feel like you're going to throw up?

I'm a little nervous. Oh, that would be so great. Let that happen. Please, please, throw up in this bucket. I cannot a little nervous. Oh, that would be so great. Please, please, please. Throw up in this bucket, please. I cannot encourage that more, actually. No, I always love a good kill Tony first. Having somebody puke would be so fucking epic.

No one's puked on the show yet. No. Are you really about to? There's a door right there. No, she knows. You can put your hand in your chest. Her eyes are watering. If you're really going to puke,

my God, your eyes are watering. There's an exit door right there. Puke on my dick. Nice. How many minutes in before. Puke on my dick. Nice. How many minutes in before a puke on my dick line? I was going to ask if Redman was here, but he is. He's definitely here. Just checking.

Did you guys know Redman was here? It's not even 10 o'clock yet. On a night when I specifically said before the show, I said there's people coming tonight to watch the show, and I need it a little less rapey than usual. Hey, to his credit, he held out as long as he could. That was easily a minute

and maybe three that you did. There wasn't even enough time for a second cat to meow. Before you go to puke on dick? That's your first base puke on dick? That's your first base? Puke on dick? I'm so sorry. Un-fucking-believable.

You did amazingly. Stop it. Stop it. Don't you fucking do that shit now. We try to ramble and sound smart. Puke on my cock. No, but seriously. You are really material.

Thank you. That helps. No, I mean, I thought you did really well. I thought you did really well. And you took the bullet. That's not easy. Let's have a hand for that. Yeah.

Definitely. And is this going to be like a staple prop with you? Or do you just not trust any of the fellas here in the crowd? I just wasn't prepared to come up here. It was there. It was there, there, so I brought it with me. For sure. We didn't like to play with the dark side. It's smart not to leave it out there. This is the store.

Yeah, anything can happen. I didn't get an answer. I just remember that you were almost going to puke. How long have you been doing stand-up? About six months. Six months, mostly in Orange County? No, I go to UCLA, so I've been doing it around LA. I love that.

What do you do for work? Nothing. Wow. Interesting. I'm a student. What are you studying? What am I studying? Political science.

Yeah. So you don't have a job. So if you don't make it, what's in the bag then? What do you hold in the... What could you be stocking up for? I don't know it, what's in the bag? Then what are you holding in there? What could you be stocking up for? I don't know. Her ID?

Money? Have you ever seen a purse before? This wallet has like nothing in it. There's nothing. A little leopard skin wallet there. I got my real wallet stolen. Oh, shit. Oh, that's why.

I got my real wallet stolen. So this is like a shitty one with a broken zipper. Oh, it looks like a lot of fun. Hence why you keep your purse on your person at all times. We asked you what's in your purse, and you just pulled out a tiny little purse. It's very impressive. It's almost like one of those Russian dolls.

Nice. Very cool. I think that was worthy of a sax solo moment, Jeremiah. We said Russian doll thing at the... That's the same one as before. Let's definitely turn the page on that. So, Nicole, what do you like to do for fun? What are like... What's something interesting about you?

Like you're into snowboarding? I did that once. I was really bad at it. Yeah. How hard did you puke while snowboarding? I did that once. I was really bad at it. How hard did you puke while snowboarding? I didn't puke. I only puke on dicks. Jeremiah! What the fuck is going on here?

These are the people that I invite to do this with me every week, by the way. I think you've got a name for your episode, though. Bombarding me. The name of the episode, I think, should be I Only Puke on Dicks. And now it's gotten to the point where I can just tell there's going to be like 85 more callbacks to this throughout the night. I don't know, quite honestly. Anyway, Nicole, what is something? So you've only snowboarded once.

Tell us something. What's your favorite hobby? Well, I don't want to call this a hobby, but this is my favorite thing to do in the entire world. Don't say it, Brian. Don't say it, Brian. Don't say it. Jesus.

See what I'm talking about? We're not even going to move past this at any point. Come on. I like to watch TV. Oh, yeah. I'm being honest. I know I'm boring,. I'm being honest. I know I'm boring, but I'm being honest. Do you want me to say something not honest?

I love to surf 10-foot waves. There must be something other than watching TV that you like to do. Are you ticklish? Brian, Brian, Brian, Brian, I'm begging you. We have to move on and roll on to another style. I would love to know, because you got visibly a little nervous. You were very comfortable when you came up, but then you got a little teary-eyed and saw the purse kind of shaking. It was when I turned and saw you guys.

For sure. That's good, because it's unpredictable, but you had your stuff down. But I want to know, is there anything that gets you more nervous than what you were in that moment? Sex. Oh, shit. Oh, wow. You get nervous during sex. Really nervous.

Really? Why is that? Puky? Brian. Nathan. Brian. That's a really nerve-wracking thing. You found a loophole straight to the spinal cord of this audience.

And I think if that were the case, she would have mentioned she gets so nervous she pukes during sex because it's just an easy transition. But you've gotten pukey during sex. No, not. No, I guess I haven't. But you said that you get more nervous during sex. I guess I just feel more vulnerable. This too. No, I haven't.

I haven't ever gotten pukey. No, this is the first time that's happened. Wow. What did you have for dinner tonight? I haven't eaten since this morning. What do you think would have come up? I don't know. You're dogging him. You're branding her.

I love it. Nicole, I wish there was anything more interesting about you other than the fact that you watch TV. We really could have riffed some stuff, figured out maybe some new material that you could talk about. You have great writing. Your jokes are perfect.

All you need to do is really work on the stage time. Do you have 10 minutes, 5 minutes? How much time do you have, would you say? I'd say that I just got together a I'd say that I have I just got together like a really tight 5 that I'm happy with. And then I'm

Hey, that's not bad. 6 months? It's not bad. And then I have probably like 10 to 15 minutes that I'm working on. How much of that 15 minutes includes other weird things about your pops? About my dad? Yeah, like the breathing thing I feel like is just scratching the surface.

I have a thing kind of about how I got into sports so my dad would love me. Oh my gosh. What sports? Big baseball fan and football. Oh, shit. Now your dad's in really bad shape. Baseball and football? Oh, no, I play football. Oh, follows. No, I's in really bad shape, huh? Baseball and football? You played in football.

Oh, no, I didn't play football. No, follows. No, I follow sports. You just ended sports. I did. I played softball and soccer, and I did taekwondo, and I did gymnastics. I think you buried the lead. You should have started with a taekwondo. No one saw that coming.

Like, have you just, you know, kicked Red Band in his face when he mentioned the puke on the dick thing, would it set the party off right? I'm just saying. So, Nicole, you got into sports to impress your dad, but your dad is so out of shape that he breathes like a bulldog? Yeah, he's pretty out of shape. What's his story? He's obese? No, he's, I mean, like,

he's just getting fat and old, like you do. Yeah, so obese, yeah. Sure. What was the movie you guys were watching that he was having such a tough time putting air together? That was when we went to go see The Hunger Games. Yeah, for sure. There you go. That's a good one.

What if she was like the heat? What if she was like that? I don't know. When you came on screen in the heat. Yes. Oh, what? He said, what if it was like that? I don't know. When you came on screen in the heat. Yes. He said, what if it was the heat? Oh, gotcha. I'm sorry. Lines between the dots here. Well, you were composed as nervous as you

seem like you say you were. Yeah, you've come a long way. Now you're doing the reach around on the head. Hey, you're chilling out. Yeah, totally. You're very comfortable. It was nice to meet you're chilling out. It's good. Totally. You're very comfortable. It was nice to meet you. Thank you.

Come back again soon. Nicole Buchanan. Keep rocking. Nicole Buchanan. She's adorable. It's got an after school special vibe to it. But like all the kids are... I'm going to pull another name out of the bucket.

And it is the name of Kayla Bernadette, everyone. Here we go. I love a good foghorn blow. You always have. That's a good one. The salty dog in me. The salty dog in me. I pulled another name out of the bucket. It's Mike Whalen.

There we go. Yum. Hey, how you guys doing? Good. I know what you're thinking. He doesn't look Mexican. I work construction, unfortunately. Made some bad choices in high school. But back in the day, I was in the Navy.

I joined at 19. I fucked the Navy, right? Yeah? No, nothing for them. I don't know why I joined. I think the recruiter was really compelling. I was young. He sounded a lot like Christopher Walken.

He pulled me in the office. He said, young man, I saw you out there perusing the halls. You looked like a lost puppy. I'd be damned if I'm gonna see you Waste your life Chasing the muff around Smoking dope When I was your age

I was in Vietnam Long story short I had a watch shoved up my ass It would take me around 126 minutes To tell that entire story Young man, I want you to see the world With the Navy And he was right

I did get to see the world But he forgot to mention the world's 95% water. I've seen every kind of water you can imagine. And then I got out of the Navy and started working at Trader Joe's. Thank you very much. Wow. Wow. That was the best punchline ever. Yeah.

Mike Whalen, welcome to the show. How's it going? Good. Talking to the mic. Where are you from? Long Island, New York. How long have you been on stand-up? I was doing it for about two years and then I got a different job so I haven't done stand-up in like a year and a half, two years. That's cool. What was the job?

Pipeliner. So I've been out of LA. Pipeliner? What is it? L of L.A. Pipeliner. What is it? Lining? We're going to oil crude oil pipelines. So my last job was in Colorado. Next one's going to be in Texas. Hell yeah.

That's funny because you said, I got another job. And I'm like, you can do stand-up and still do. And you said pipeliner. I was like, oh, right. Yeah. You're just out there, right? Yeah, we live in a motel and work six days a week. Wow.

And that's how often out of the year is that? The next job's in Texas. I have to... This is kind of boring. I got to get $600 together to get in labor's union. So once I pay that, then that's all probably like seven months. You're right. That was pretty fucking boring.

Yeah. I would love to know, was it Trader Joe's? Because we had to hurry up and just kind of fly through that profession, which I would love to have heard what. I'm curious, was there at some point going to be, and what if Christopher Walken worked at a Trader Joe's or something like that? How about no Christopher Walken at all? Isn't that a law of being on stage?

Like no more Christopher Walken ever? You guys clap, but you idiots were laughing at the shit, by the way. I almost wanted to kick you fuckers out. To his credit, that was a really good Christopher walking. Let's be honest. Whatever. He talked about the watch in his ass.

That's a Christopher walking line. That's like done a million, million, million times. I get it. I'm just saying. I'm not saying don't do it. But Mike, you were in the Navy, right? Yes. So you can do anything you want. Yeah, million, million times. I get it. I'm just saying. I'm just saying. I'm not saying don't do it. But, Mike, you were in the Navy, right? Yes. So you can do anything you want. Yeah, he served his country. Yeah, exactly.

Anybody who's been in the services can do any impression they want. Do you do other impressions? I think that's the best one. Well, that's the best one, but what other ones would you do? Yeah. Let me guess. Can I guess? Sure.

I bet you do a little bit of an Arnold Schwarzenegger. No. No? Do you do a little bit of an Arnold Schwarzenegger. No. Do you do a John Caparulo? I could try. That'd be great if you did. I guess a Mexican John Caparulo. Are you really Mexican?

No, he made that joke up top. No, it's the work boots. I thought that line about you see the world, but the problem is the world is mostly water. That's really good. I'm surprised that I haven't heard anyone say that. Have you heard that before? No. And that's a perfect thing from your perspective as a person who's in the Navy.

So it didn't land like it should have. I don't know exactly where to put it or whatever. But I was just like it was one of those ones that made me go, yeah, fuck. Good one. You know, so were you one of the funnier dudes in the in the Navy? Like, what would you do to like to get the attention of the other? I got in trouble in Singapore. We were supposed to be back on the ship at 10 o'clock and it was our last night.

So I held up the ship's movement. I was in a brothel and I was. Oh, shit. Let's stop there for a second. Hey, Tony, can you tell this story as Christopher Walken? Yeah, I actually would like that. That's a great idea. Just tell the story.

Give us a moment of the brothel. Just paint the picture of how nice or shitty the brothel was. It was really nice. I can't understand you in that voice. I don't know what you're fucking talking about. Yeah. Do we walk? Yeah.

Wow, this guy really an improv guru over here. Yes, and, but. So what was this brothel like? It was a classy brothel. Come on. I was there for about three hours. One of the perks was they shower you before and after. Come on, man.

That's it. Yeah. See, what we learned tonight is that a Christopher Walken impression is acceptable while taking questions or telling real life stories. That would be an amazing setup. Just like I held the boat up as in a brothel. If I have any questions, I was in a brothel. I have any questions, I'm going to answer them in Christopher Walken's voice.

Audiences would be like, the fuck? Are you, what? But then all of a sudden he's going to do it. It'll be great. Or what if he was holding, he got in trouble for holding up the ship because he was doing Christopher Walken to the sluts in the brothel.

And they were like, we love it. We love it. That's, you know, eating it up. Just, I have a watch in my ass too.

There it is. To the sluts. Jesus Christ. What was going on in this brothel? Well, I was finished, and then I was walking outside, and shore patrol noticed because everyone else was on the ship. This was around 3 o'clock in the morning. The ship was leaving the next day, so they took me into custody.

And what I didn't know was the air boss, who's in charge of the entire air department on the ship, had woken everyone up around 11 o'clock and made them stand at attention until I was back on the ship. So shore patrol marched me in front of around four or five hundred people in their pajamas, boxers. Can you stretch out those words when you say them again, please? Pajamas. Boxers.

Way funnier. Perfect. Very funny. Thank you. All it takes is a little direction. And that's what this show's about. It's about the little

fucking pump. It's just a tiny adjustment. Once you realize the tricks, you know, it's all there. So, Mike, when exactly do you go back to Texas again? And what part of Texas are you going to?

Victoriaville. I actually wasn't expecting Walken on that one. But he's still there and I love that. Maybe that's your thing. Maybe Walken impressions are hacky. But becoming Christopher Walken and just doing him all the time in life, I think that's pretty original. Maybe, you know, maybe Walken impressions are hacky, but becoming Christopher Walken and just doing him all the time, like in life, I think that's pretty original. Haven't seen that yet. I mean, it's not really an impression if you're just

if you just talk that way. Have you ever met a celebrity? Yeah. I have. I have. He always gets me with if he's gonna do the impression or not

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Nice Dude see Open with that next time I'm immediately intrigued And you get a saxophone I waited to bother him While I was in the store I watched him leave

And then I followed him Out to his car To get a picture For my Instagram. Oh, my God. Yo, can I just suggest something? You started either a podcast or some sort of show or just whatever where you tell Trader Joe stories from your life as fucking Christopher. Yeah.

Yep. Christopher Walken, Trader Joe employee. Chronicles. I ended up getting fired from Trader Joe's. What the fuck happened? You did? I was legitimately bummed out by it. God damn it.

I was like, oh, God. Do you remember the one on Santa Monica with all the Russians? Yeah, the one that's gone now. I used to do impressions of the Russians. What would they get? What was their hot item that they pulled from the shelf? Kefir. Kefir. Kefir. Pomegranate kefir.

This is lovely. But I would do impressions of them, and the managers got the impression that I really spoke Russian. So they'd call me over. They'd have a disgruntled little Russian woman, and they'd be like, hey, Mike, you speak Russian, right? Yeah. Yeah, I speak Russian.

Oh, no. Yeah, I swear to God. So I'd go over and just be the old woman with a receipt, and? Yeah. Yeah, I speak Russian. Oh, no. And I, yeah, I swear to God. So I'd go over and just be old woman with a receipt. And she'd be like, And they'd be like, Mike, tell her those are the organic apricots. They're not on sale. I would take the receipt and just go, I'm not saying anything.

I'm not saying anything. I'm fucking... And the managers are like nodding to her. Like, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, got it? Now get the fuck out. And they're like, Mike, what'd she say? I'm like, well, for one thing, Paul, apparently you were really rude.

You gotta do that on stage. See, that's your story right there. That's the story for your act. And how naturally you were doing it and everything. It's amazing. Yeah, you were entering. You were relaxed. Also, insert whatever she said about Paul.

Like, you know, something funnier than you. You were not very kind. I don't know what she said because I don't speak any Russian. But how did she convey to them that she knew that you weren't Russian? She didn't. She stormed out pretty pissed off. Well, how did they find out that you didn't speak Russian? Well, there was a lot of things.

Oh, yeah. And they closed that one down, so it's secret to safe. That was just the funnier of all of them. Right. I love that. That's interesting. It's just the grocery store is so ripe for hilarity. Especially at Trader Joe's. I mean, you have a Hawaiian shirt, which is fitting for

a Navy guy. You got the fucking... You're permanently on leave. So you got to stock things. Trader Joe's has that fun bell you can ring when you make fun of a Russian lady. You probably sit there with Steve doing the walking, like, more cowbell, or whatever. Well, there was one guy named Nikolai, and I don't know if you remember the one on Santa Monica, but there was two bathrooms, and it was in the back where we kept all the produce and stuff, and there was a little wall.

And I always used to irritate Nikolai, and he couldn't speak any English either. So he was waiting in line. There's two bathrooms, and it was in the back where we kept all the produce and stuff, and there was a little wall. And I always used to irritate Nikolai, and he couldn't speak any English either. So he was waiting in line. There's two doors. Both doors are occupied, and Nikolai's just standing there. He was like a stern, whatever, flat-top military Russian guy. So I'd say, Nikolai. And he'd, and Russia, and Russia. And I would go up between the two doors and just start kicking each door and banging on each door.

Wow. And then run away. And Nikolai sitting there. So when people came out like this woman was like, why are you banging

on the door? She was in there with her kid. And he's like, all right, you just got to do all this stuff that you're doing.

Do all of this. But you're going to do that during a set. And then whatever you think you're going to do for a set, save that for the interviews that you do after stand-up sets. Because now I'm looking up Nikolai on fucking Facebook tonight just to see what that guy looks like.

Mike Whalen, everybody. You tell your Russian Trader Joe's stories, and then when people talk to you after the show, go, here, you're funny. Speak only as walking. Like just to people on the street. Yeah, be crazy and on the street. Yeah, be crazy and goofy with it.

Obviously, you have a love for it because you came to life when you start doing those things. I would not have guessed act outs were in you, but you definitely, like,

sold those stories. That's a fucking, that's a great gift if you got that. So, ride that hard. Thanks a lot, guys. Very fun.

Nice to meet you. Mike Whalen, everybody. There he goes. Anything can happen. That's what's amazing. Who knows what the F can happen in this show? Anything can. Put your hands together for David Friedman, everyone.

David Friedman. Hi, guys. Okay, so I got to do a shtick. I wasn't really prepared because I did a shtick downstairs. But I have a cat named Mike. And he's like the coolest cat. But the one thing that he does that really drives me crazy, and if you have a dog or cat, he probably does this too.

I come home, and Mike's really happy to see me. And I pet him, and he's like, oh, this is great. And then after I'm done petting him, he goes off and licks himself clean for the next hour and like I was like okay okay Mike you're trying to tell me something so what happens is that I did an experiment and I came home and Mike was really happy and I pet him yeah yeah and then he goes off and cleans himself for an hour and then I just go and I touch his head for a little bit I just scratch his head for a teeny little bit and he goes off and starts licking himself clean again and i go mike what's up and he's like don't tell me what's up sticky fingers i just watched you masturbate that's my mike joke fuck yeah there he goes. I wasn't ready. It's all I had. David Friedman, fuck yeah.

Thank you for taking a break from eating Ellen's pussy to be with us tonight. Thank you for laughing at me on that one. Hey, I thought you said no dirty stuff. That's not dirty stuff. That's funny stuff, Brian.

It's such a shockingly putrid crap. Oh, it was funny stuff. They're married, Redman. It's fine. David, how long have you been on stand-up? My first night. Right, exactly. Put your hands together for David Friedman.

First night, everybody. None of you have the balls. Look at him now. Now all of a sudden they're staring at him like, wow, this fucker did something. Actually, I was downstairs too, and I got a laugh. I love that. You told us that you did your shtick downstairs, and you're going to do your shtick again. That word shtick, every time a comedian hears it, it's like your relatives going, I got a sketch idea for you.

I like your sketches. Tony's a comedian. Do one of your bitty pies. Bitty pies? Sounds so dirty. How long have you been jerking off in front of your cat? Fuck yeah. And this is me right here.

What, you guys don't? You're like, my dog's watching me. Okay, I'll turn this way. So there's multiple animals involved in this. No, no, no. Just the cat. Just the cat. What's your cat's name?

Mike. Mike. Wow. Interesting. I don't like who, yeah, everyone has like get it. Just the cat. What's your cat's name? Mike. Wow. Interesting. Everyone has really weird names for their dogs and cats. It's either Mike or Steve. Give it a real name if you don't have any real friends in real life. This way you can have a little buddy.

Hey, Mike, what happened today? Not much. I'm a fucking cat, dude. I'll just watch you jerk off again. Nothing too much hot on the cat. Watch TV and beat it for a while. I think when you name your cat Mike, it is probably a little weird to masturbate in front of Mike.

Yeah, totally. Mike sounds like he's got a blazer on or something. Just got back from work. I put it up back from work. Hey, man, I just finished eight hours of the hospital interning. Finishing a pot pie. I put him in a little French outfit. I gave him a little baby outfit.

Now, do you look at Mike in the eyes when you masturbate? No. Behind? No, you don't know. Your animals are always watching you, and you don't know that. I love your energy. Thank you. I've lived in the WeHo area enough to know.

Really? Are you a top or a bottom? I'm so – I've lived in the WeHo area enough to know. Really? Are you a top or a bottom? I've lived in the WeHo area for so long. He missed it. David, please, for a second. Can you relax? Sure. I'm going to take a moment to do something that I did a few episodes ago.

It's been a while. But I'm going to play a game called Guess Those Cross Streets. I'm going to try to guess. And tell me how close I am to the exact intersection that you live at. Are you willing to at least admit it if I'm right? Yeah, okay. I'm going to guess. Great answer.

I'm going to guess. I'm already right with the WeHo, right? No. Oh, fuck. Okay. I live in the Baldwin Hills. Me and all wealthy black people. Holy shit. I don't even know where Baldwin Hills is. What and all wealthy black people. Holy shit. I don't even know where Baldwin Hills is. What part of WeHo is that?

West and south. Do we have a wealthy African American in the audience who could tell this white boy we're the Baldwin Hills? Oh, white boy. Thanks, Brian, with your loudest microphone always. That's your confidence. You can guess That's a conference of a guest. And then bet on it. Ben, like, give me $100 if you guess my intersection.

Let me just answer that. No, there's not a wealthy black man here at Kill Tony right now, okay? No, we don't have that kind of clientele, all right? Okay, I didn't go there, but okay. Horse of truth. By the way, the way you just got very forceful with laying into Tony, if Mike looks away, do you get that angry at him? Frequently.

Do you smear him with more cum? Yeah. No. If he gets up to leave, because I would venture to guess at some point you get conditioned to needing Mike there. So if he gets up to go fucking climb a tree, you're like, get the fuck back here and watch me jerk off. Mike's my Viagra. How many pets do you

have? Just Mike. Just Mike. Just Mike. Hell yeah. What do you do for work, David? Is this your first night doing stand-up? What's the story behind this? Is this something you've wanted to do for a while? You were just jerking off next to your cat and you're like, hey, you know what? I'm going to talk about this on stage tonight. Dude, but guess what? That's all you need

sometimes. Just a little something out of the ordinary. Something out of the ordinary. I'm actually a TV producer. Oh, I could see that. You did an amazing job. That's the fucking setup. That's how quick it happens. What a great setup.

Now it's all coming to me. Now it makes sense. Is it all coming to you? Yes. Oh, I see what you did there, you son of a bitch. There you go. Come on, my dick. What was that?

What was that sound? Was it like Pac-Man hitting the ATM? Somebody wanted something. It sounded like money and Pac-Man. He leveled up in red. Sorry, brothers. Okay. Thank you.

Hey, Pat Reagan's here, everybody. Usual Kill Tony band leader. Thank you, baby. Can I? You know these two together as Watkins Reagan and Watkins I have no fucking clue who Pat Reagan is Hi Pat

Wow David you're really Don't shake his hand Pat's got calm hands Damn it That's what I was going with I think we need to get to that What shows have we seen some of your work? Now it's for PBS.

You've never seen it. We might watch what's... Yeah, like what? This is a PBS crowd? Oh, yeah, for sure. Hell, yeah. Totally. These guys all give to National Public Radio and PBS all the time.

Oh, yeah, frequently. It was a movie review show that was on PBS for three years, and it was like Siskel and Ebert, but multicultural. Oh. Oh. Yeah. Nailed it. I couldn't have picked a better sound myself.

David, tell us something else about yourself. So you jerk off in front of your cat? No, I don't jerk off in front of my cat. I just caught him once staring at me. Have you ever used your cat to jerk off? No, I've never used my cat. Brian, whatever you're doing, I know that you laugh at it really hard, but you have to take the dirty tone and just clean it up a little bit.

Do you have any other material, or is this like... Yes, I do. Who cares? You're just trying to change the subject from your thing. Another jerk off joke, and I used it downstairs. I got a big laugh. Why did you shake my hand? What?

Why did you shake my hand? So that I can say we hooked up. All right. This is getting creepy. No. I actually met JJ. Okay, fuck that. I actually met JJ Abrams at the Producers Guild Awards on Saturday night.

Cool. Do you guys know who JJ Abrams is? Somebody dropped a name right on Phil Tony. Star Wars, Star Trek. Yeah, we know JJ Abrams, David. And I shook his hand. Yeah. And all my friends said, that's so cool you shook his hand.

And I said, well, yeah. And they said, did you take a picture? I go, no, I ran home and I jerked off. Because I could say I could hook up with J.J. Abrams. J.J. only shook your hand because he thought you were C-3PO. That must have been it. I have a red arm now. Tony Hinchcliffe.

This coming from Will Chamberlain. Okay. So, Tony, let me follow this logic. Because you just shook Pat's hand, you're going to go home and jerk off now? To C-3PO? I like that. That actually works. I can follow that.

Wait, Mike, when you're not producing TV and you're not trying stand-up, what are you legitimately? He doesn't even remember my name at this point. Mike's a cast name. You can call me Loretta. Okay. David, stick with us. There you go. What else are you, other than trying stand-up,

what else have you done for the first time? Is this going to set the tone for a lot of like... No, I'm actually a platform and springboard diver, which nobody in the room can do. Well, that's interesting as shit. That's amazing. That's crazy shit. Yeah.

Got to look good in a Speedo. Yeah. But for real, what about that drew you to it? I've been just used to taking dives on stage. That's. Oh. No, he's not. He's not used to that.

He's not used to that. He's not used to that. This was his first time tonight. I'm short. What are you jumping into? Swimming pools? Like, I don't understand. Bowls of jello?

Like, platform and, you know, Olympics? Divers? Oh, that's the type of level that you do it at? Oh, okay. Yeah, it's pretty cool. It just seems like an interesting gig to get into. It is. You know what I mean?

You just jump off of things. No one else can do it. Anyone else here do it? Yeah, I didn't think so. Fuck you. Okay. Well, no, it's not because it's... Maybe open with that next time.

It's not because it's... He's a diver with an attitude. Jesus. I know, right? A diver with a... What's the camaraderie around the pool like? Are you guys, like, jabbing and jibing before the... Wow, I've never said that before.

Have you guys... You guys, like, hosting around and goofing and ghibbly-doobs. Yeah, towel snapping. But what's the energy around? Are you joking around? Because obviously you had the wherewithal to want to try stand-up. So were you the funny dude at the pool? No, actually...

Were you the funny guy in the shower? I was the funny guy in the shower. You were smacking all the guys with the wet towels in the locker room. Okay. Did you stay up on the high with the wet towels in the locker room. Okay. Did you stay up on the high dive long enough to do like ten minutes of jokes? Yes. And then dive? And then I dive in.

Everyone's waiting. Well, David, I'm going to tell you right now that if you stick with comedy, you're going to be the first one that jumps off a building and does eight flips on the way down. You got that right. There you go. No, actually. You'll be able to really kill yourself in style with a hobby like that. You know what I mean?

Just what I was hoping for. It was really sad. David jumped off the Ondas, but his landing was beautiful. It was just beautiful. The Romanian judge gave him a five. No, the thing about diving is that it's really scary. It's like this. It's like getting up in front of a bunch of people and performing.

And believe me, you can fuck up in diving. I think just like diving, this is ending awkwardly. Is it ending awkwardly? I think we're in the part right now where you sort of come back out of the water and you're just looking around and people are like,

yep, you did it, dude. No, because I didn't smack my balls up here at least. You son of a bitch. You said balls thinking it would work. Ladies and gentlemen, David Friedman. There he goes. We met him. We know him.

Interesting character, David Friedman. He gives off a very PBS producer vibe. He looked like Harpo Marx. Harpo Marx? He looked like Harpo. With a trim. I pulled another name

out of the bucket. It's another person who doesn't have a Twitter handle, which is always suspicious to me. Put your hands together for Nick Costas, everyone. Here we go. Wow. People missing their spots. That's not you, Nick? Okay. Put your hands together for Bo Laughman, everybody.

Wow. Favorite. Jump, jump. So why is there a share button on porn sites? They got like post to Facebook, share to Twitter, email a friend. Who's watching porn and thinks, you know what? Grandma would love this. You know? I live in a weird area

There's a lot of massage parlors by me I was walking by And I saw a sign And it said Swedish massage Deep tissue massage Thai massage And then it said child massage I don't care how good that sounds

I couldn't afford it I'm actually working on a dating app for kids It's called Tinder Garden Alright, I think that's a minute Bo, laugh man Bo, you've been on this show before. Welcome back. How's life going?

It's good. How long have you been on stand-up in LA now? Five months, four months. And before that? Six years. Where at? Austin and Houston. Oh, very cool.

Yeah. And you've been here five or six months. Yeah. Very funny stuff. I remember the kindergarten joke. I think you've done that on here before, right? Yeah, I guess so. In your five years of doing stand-up comedy,

have you written more than 60 seconds? Or is that just your go-to short one? Yeah, I thought I'd fill the minute with the first two and then I just had that because it kind of fit with the last joke. Gotcha, I like your style. What do you do for work? I've been doing extra work lately.

What have you been an extra on? A lot of stuff. You could totally be Harlan Williams stand-in on anything that's ever happened before. I've been doing body double for Eric Bana for a new Netflix movie. That's pretty fucking cool.

It was cool. I love that. What's he like? I. I love that. Yeah. What's he like? I didn't meet him. Wow. That's why they hired us. They didn't have to hire him.

You don't have to be a dick about it. Jesus Christ. I was trying to get to know you, man. No, I'm just joking. He's a dick to himself. Yeah. I'm just a dick. You give off a somewhat aloof vibe. No, no. I don just joking. He's a dick to himself. Yeah. I'm just a dick. You give off like a somewhat aloof vibe. Is that like?

No, no. I don't know. Oh, I don't know. I don't know. The most aloof answer. I don't get that. The most aloof answer to the you look aloof accusation. Yeah.

Super aloof. Hell yeah, you are. What are like your three favorite things to do in LA? Other than stand up. Yeah. Sk aloof. Hell yeah, you are. What are your three favorite things to do in L.A.? Other than stand-up. Skateboard. Ride my skateboard. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Is ride my skateboard number two on the list?

Did you go from skateboarding to riding your skateboard? No, no. I think he amended the first one. Come on. I was clarifying. No, no. I think in your head you saw one. Don't worry about it.

It's all right. All right. We don't all have to act like animals up here. Don't no. I think in your head you saw one. It's all right. We don't all have to act like animals up here. Don't worry. Go ahead. Thank you. Is the third one going to be holding your skateboard? Yes.

Skateboard, skateboard, holding skateboard. That's really funny, though. That was a slip-up, but that was really funny. No, no. And that was very you. Well, what else are you into other than skateboarding? Which, by the way, is the only means of transportation that can also be confused as a hobby. Yeah. You know what I mean?

And it's both. It's great. Are you good at skateboarding? I'm decent. Okay. Not great. You do like tricks and shit at the park? Yeah.

Wow. You do like, you ever have contests and stuff? Trying so hard to think of a skateboard move. That was the best. You ever done a back whimsy double dip chocolate chip? I was trying to think of who I was going to have. You ever done a hot chili grind? Ever done a Danny Glover?

Ever done a beef? How about a beef nachos? A beef nachos. A beef nachos. Are there like skateboard battles that happen and stuff? There's got to be. I mean, I don't know. There's got toos. Are there skateboard battles that happen? There's got to be. I don't know. There's got to be.

How about skateboard dance battles? Yeah. It's totally like a dance battle. Show up to a spot. Is there a skateboard horse where somebody does a trick and you have to do the same trick? There is a skate. Yeah. It's like flat ground.

It's just called skate. Yeah, it's called skate. You ever roller skate? No. I have before, yeah. Yeah, it's called skate. You ever roller skate? No. I have before, yeah. How long ago was that? I did inline hockey when I was like second grade, third grade. Okay.

It's been a while since you put on the skates. Yeah, it's been a while. What do you think your skateboard friends would say if you showed up to the park wearing roller blades? They would laugh, but they'd be hyped. They'd be like, yeah! Does any of your material involve you telling a story or something? I think I said the same thing last time.

That Tinder Garden thing, that's so hacky. You need to get away from that shit. If you just Google Tinder Garden, there's a billion things that come up. Let me ask you this. What's the most personal joke to you? I don't know. Yeah, I don't know.

Well, there you go. I've heard the old statement, Bo knows, but I guess in this case... I don't. You have no fucking idea. Chris Fairbanks has a great story about running into a kid at a skate park on his skateboard and feeling like an asshole. Have you ever had a situation with a younger skateboarder where you fell and he laughed at you like Nelson and the Simpsons or something like that? Because there's that thing.

It's like you're a grown man and you skateboard. Yeah. There's got to be something there. Look, hold on. I'm like you're a grown man and you skateboard. Yeah. Like there's got to be something there. Look. Hold on. I'm saying you can skate until you die. I think if you ride a skateboard, you're going to fall so consistently that you're going to fall in front of a group of girls, a group of old people.

Seventh graders. Confused people. Sure. Like it's embarrassing. Even if you do something cool on a skateboard in front of something, it's not like they're going to be like, oh, yeah. Most likely, you're going to fall, and they're going to laugh, and then you're going to go on with your day. So it's a part of the skateboard culture. No, I mean, talk about that.

No offense. There's no upside to skateboarding in front of anyone ever is basically what you're saying, which I think it's hilarious yep but you do it because you love it and that's cool you know yeah do you have a job yeah extra work that's but other than that have you had any jobs other than since i moved here that's all i've done but it's been consistent you've just been i work like five or six days a week so it's yeah you've just been eric banna's guy that's been your main job in two days but yeah do you talk about that i like you should try to meet him at some point. That was two days ago, so it's new. All new stuff.

How did you make money before that? I graduated from college, and then I moved out here. Where'd you graduate from? St. Edwards University in Austin, Texas. So you did comedy all through college then?

I dropped out and then went back. But I was in Austin, Texas. So you did comedy all through college then? I like dropped out and then went back and then kind of... But I was in Austin the whole time. I did commercial production for a while and then finished college and then moved out here, yeah. What was your degree in? English writing and rhetoric. In rhetoric? Yeah, in

rhetoric. Wow. I mean, I guess skateboarding falls under that. Yeah, yeah. How would you make your friends laugh at St. Edwards? Hey, Father O'Malley sucked my dick today. I mean, he did. Get it? That's kind of a lot of rhetoric.

Too soon, too soon. No, no, no. I don't know. I don't know if I did make them laugh. And your real last name is Laughman. Yeah. Is that really true? Yeah, it's Laughman, but yeah, it's spelled Laughman.

But it's spelled like Laughman. Yeah, it is. Is that really true? There's got to be someone with that name in those frames down the hallway. That's amazing. Comedians from the 70s and 80s, like, Bo Laughman. Yeah, exactly. And he just has laughing faces all over his suit.

That would be nice. Like Fridays or something. Do you come from a funny family? Is your dad funny? Oh, yeah, you know. What does he do for work? He works for a water company. I don't know.

Is your dad any more specific than you are about anything in life? Like, if we were to ask Mr. Laughman, Lothman. He would be way more specific but can I be honest I feel like he's fucking not I feel like you guys like he would be like

yeah I know Bo's doing stand up I mean I guess kind of whatever I mean he works at a water company like it's like the most plain yeah Aqua Texas yeah

but if he is anything like you that should be like a father son comedy just being written right now yeah the last man we're not very similar but maybe we are in some ways. I don't know.

Yeah. What is he? Does he? We're not. I mean, you know. What's happening? Has he ever given you advice? Like, once you left college, you came out here, and you were like, dad, I'm doing extra work.

Or I guess I am. I don't know what I'm really doing. And then he's like, hey, man, get specific. But does he embark any sort of wisdom on you? Yeah. He's like, hey man, get specific. Does he embark any sort of wisdom on you? Yeah. He has to, right?

He's supportive. You're young enough to fuck up for a while. I think you can do extra work. Are you going up at night? Are you hitting a lot of open mics and stuff? I try to, yeah. Do it, man, because you're funny. I think you have time until your dad's just like,

all right, just come home and slang water with pops. And even then, if he asks you to come home and you get on a flight, you can be like, I mean, I got on the plane, I think. I don't really know what happened, man. I'm in Austin or Houston. I'm in Houston, Dallas, Frankfurt. I don't know where the fuck I am, Dad. I'm in Baja.

Wait. Bo, it was nice to meet you. We're going to keep flying through. Bo, laugh., Dallas, Frankfurt. I don't know where the fuck I am, Dad. I'm in Baja. Wait. Bo, it was nice to meet you. We're going to keep flying through. Bo Laffman. Good job, dude. Keep rocking, Bo. He can say Laffman. That was Bo the Laff, Laffman.

I'm going to call him Laffman. It's right next to the guy who wears the diaper. Baby man. I pulled another name out of the best. It's right next to the guy who wears the diaper. Baby man. I pulled another name out of the bucket. Put your hands together for Gary Hoffman, everybody. Come on. Gary Hoffman. Wow.

That's incredible. Love that almost. It's almost incredible how many people get scared as fuck once they see what the show is. Put your hands together for Clint Watson, everybody. Hey, y'all. Okay, so I'm just going to be real vulnerable with y'all right now. Yeah. So, uh...

I touched a dog's pussy one time. Uh... I touched a dog's pussy one time. I dry humped my cousin a lot. Not anymore, like when I was a kid. I shit myself on a train one time high on ecstasy. Had a crush on my mom, man. She had like big tits and shit. When I was younger. When I was younger. When I was younger.

Clint Watson bringing out the barking dog, everybody. Clint Watson, everyone. Fuck yeah. Redman. Is this your favorite comic of the night? Yes. Yes.

When you say you touched your dog's pussy? I mean, like, did you put a finger in it, or you accidentally was holding it, or... This is Brian's bread and butter right here. Gross punch-lineless jokes. I'd like to thank

you, Clint, I'd like to thank you. You dressed so much better than you performed tonight. Like, it's incredible. It's really, all right. Jesus Christ, lady, thank you so much. I know you're very angry. My God.

What happened? Did you once get raped by a gay magician or something? Like, what are you so angry about right now? Stop saying bye, lady. Jesus. So fucking power freaks in the audience. You know what I felt like watching that? I felt like we were the guy who

potentially was going to hire you at Target. That was like a job interview. And all we did was say, so tell me a little about yourself. And you just, I feel like you've given off that list of personal anecdotes before.

Like, that's right? The best attributes. This outfit that you're wearing now, how many graves did you have to rob to put this exactly together? Because it seems like it's a few different graves. It's my only one. Really? That's the main suit. Now, I also noticed that you actually signed up.

Again, this is another person who doesn't have a Twitter handle. But, however, you put Clint Watson, and in parentheses you put bow tie. Now, why did you write that on the piece of paper? So you would know. But wouldn't I know if I pulled your name out that you were the guy in the bow tie because I'd see you anyway? How would I know? Look, let's be honest. Clint's a pretty sweet name.

Someone could run ahead of him and be like, no, I'm Clint. And then you're like, fuck off. There's no bow tie on you. I see. You're right. Just saying. And also, you should have just said, that's my nickname when he asked you because that would be amazing. What was that?

What was that, though? He called me bow tie around the saloon. Was that a bet? Did you lose a bet? What was that all about? Are you talking about the material he did or why are you stressed that way? So I did some material downstairs,

and then I was just like, you know what? Let me just barf out every disgusting thing about yourself on stage. Let me be really vulnerable. Are those all the beginnings of actual stories or bits, or were those just like, this would be funny this day? Yeah.

I love that you did it in like a... I mean... The voice you gave him is perfect. I'm sorry. I really didn't know if it would be funny or not. The voice you gave him is perfect. I'm sorry. I really didn't know if it would be funny or not. I was just letting you into my soul, man. So you like your mom, you like your dogs. It's important to go real and go dark and go personal.

But it has to be something more than... Yeah, you got to get to something. What's your favorite drug? My favorite... Yeah, because you look like you're from the cover of an Esquire magazine that's in a methadone clinic. Even I sometimes laugh at my own stupid

fucking things. That was good. Yeah, no, I know. Thank you. It was crystal meth. Right, and how long did you do that for? From 15 to 16. Wow, ages 15 and 16? meth. Right. And how long did you do that for? From 15 to 16. Wow. Ages 15 and 16? Yeah.

Wow. I ended up in Young Offender in jail, so that was when I stopped. For trying to touch your mom's tits or what? No, for real. Robbery. Yeah. Oh, yeah? What'd you rob?

Cabs. Interesting. What? I know it wasn't a clothing store. You son of a bitch. I did do that. The bay, dude. Really?

Yeah, like a bunch of piles. Because I didn't have a lot. I didn't have a lot of stuff. I was on my own at 14. So I didn't have clothes, and a lot of people around me had clothes and stuff. Right, right. So I was like, I'm just going to go into the bay get it two armfuls of clothes the bay what's the walk out what are you talking about what's the bay oh it's a it's a store in canada oh okay you're from canada yeah that's why you're dressed like that all right now i get it now i know what all of this stuff

you're saying is fascinating i wish you you know tell one story from there i think if you you know one one of the big hardest things about comedy is getting on stage and getting people to just listen for even longer than 30 seconds. But you just start... I was on meth age 15, 16 and started robbing cabs and then go right there. I think most people would be like, okay, fuck it.

What else you got to say? Talk about that. I haven't heard anyone say that on stage. But everyone's wanted to fuck their mom at some point. I just wanted to like, oh, boy. Woo! I was hoping for laughter, but I'll take a fucking, I'll take a song instead. That song makes everything okay.

How do you go about robbing cabs? Like, is there a go-to line, or like, do you put out a gun first? I got pretty good at it. For sure. Like, how do you start that whole process? two line or like you put out a gun first i got pretty good at it uh for sure like what you go like what's how do you start that whole process so but okay uh knife you know you get it well i use the knife yeah um like i feel real bad about it sure sure we don't give a fuck about that that part's boring this is a live show dude get. Get to the good shit. You take your knife, and what do you do with it? Yeah, so I was in the passenger seat.

You'd sit shotgun in a cab back when there was actual taxi cabs? Yeah. Well, at this point, because I was beside him, right? So I would just, you know, once you pull it out, people have a tendency to get surprised. Yeah. Yeah, it's a fucking knife. But I'd calm them down. I'd just be like, look, everything's going to be okay.

Everything's going to be okay. Oh my God. Everything's just going to be okay, man. I just want the money. With that accent, with the bow tie. You are the smoothest 1940s knife robber I've ever met in my life. It's all good, baby. Chill, baby.

It's all good, baby. Hand over your money. Sweetheart, don't move so fast. Hand over your money or I'm gonna stab your ass. Something like that. It is. Great song.

Great song, dude. Thanks. It is pretty crazy. I don't understand. I've never heard of a robbing Canadian. What part of Canada are you from? Detroit? What are we talking about here?

Toronto. Most recently Toronto, but I moved around a lot when I was younger. Can you imagine a Canadian? You're driving a taxi and a fucking Canadian pulls a knife on you. Just like, sorry I have to do this, but I'd really thank you if you gave me your money. Oh, sure, you can have all of it. Would they ever fight back?

One guy, yeah. Please tell that story. And he hit you so fucking hard. Knife goes on the ground, right? Yeah. Because if you know how to throw a a punch and there's some fucking punk Canadian meth head asking for it. I wish. Maybe it would have knocked some sense.

But no, that didn't happen. He went to reach for the knife and he got cut. Oh, shit. How bad did he get cut? It was bloody. It was bloody. I don't want to say I'm... That's horrible. I'm a horrible person.

That's the best. We do that from your material. We know that. I don't want to say I'm that's horrible I'm a horrible person yeah yeah yeah we do that from your material we know that all the stuff you started with you know it all makes a little more sense now and like yeah I mean I like your style I'm transformed though I'm transformed

it's good that you're not doing any of that stuff anymore just I'd rather have you share that you touch dogs' pussies than stabbing guys in cats. It's way better. It's a progression. I think there's going to be something there. I think that if you become a comedy addict, you know what I mean, and you use this as an outlet, how many times have you been on stage? This would be number three.

Right. Oh, there you go. If you count Marty's, I went to Marty's three times. No, we don't. No, man. I don't want to do that because it's an amazing place and it's really supportive and everyone really seems really awesome.

Clint, over there. I figured this whole thing out. I think you're Oliver Twist. I think Marty's Fagin. And I think this crowd needs to get on board with my references. Clint, I feel like you're such a bad Clint that if Clint Eastwood was here he would change his name.

I think you're right. Thank you. Thank you, Brian. You're so fucking quick with those things. Show me where that button is so I can hit it when you do all your I think you're right. Thank you. Thank you, Brian. Thank you. You're so fucking quick with those, dude. Show me where that button is so I can hit it when you do all your pee-poop fart-fart jokes, all right? Fucking idiot. Jesus Christ.

Unbelievable, this fucking guy. I think Bronger is spot on, though. I think there is a very interesting quality about you when you first start talking. When you grab the mic. Yeah, go. And I think it's just honing in on, like, you seem very vulnerable right away. Yeah, you have some edgy jokes, very cutting, you know. And the urge to go vulnerable is not a bad idea.

Just don't get on stage and go, I'm going to get vulnerable right now. You don't have to set it up like that. You know what I mean? Just go ahead and say something vulnerable. It just, it was, it's not something I planned to do. That's what, that's, so it was just like, I was sitting there and I was like, I'm just. So lesson learned. Come up with a fucking plan next time.

Thank you. Go up there, stab the audience. No. No. Don't, don't do it, bow tie. Don't do it. And remember, you're, you're, you're more than just a bow tie. I wouldn't always, I wouldn't always write bow tie next to your name.

But you said that's your only suit. Yep, now it is. What do you mean now it is? I have blood on the other side. Well, I just want to take a moment to thank you for not killing us at all. You're welcome. It's still early. No, I'm just kidding.

Oh, my God. It just feels too real now that we know what we know, man. Yeah. But how can you stab it? You're so slow. All of your movements. Yeah. It really is.

Yeah, I'm pretty chill, man. I'm pretty laid back. I love that. What do you keep in that pocket? What is that sticking out there? It, I'm pretty chill, man. I'm pretty laid back. I love that. What do you keep in that pocket? What is that sticking out there? It's a hanky, man. Oh, wow. Hanky.

Fuck yeah, a little hanky for your shanky. Only half a laugh on a good shank joke. Okay. Do you ever blow your nose in that thing? No, that was a very aggressive move, and I was wondering if you were waiting for an applause after you did that. Sherlock Holmes comes in the room. He's like, Dr. Watson, that was a very aggressive move. And I was wondering if you were waiting for an applause after you did that. I don't know. Sherlock Holmes comes in the room. He's like, Dr. Watson, it's time to go.

And he walks off stage. Yeah. Improvising. Oh, okay. Do you do a lot of hanky work in your, that was, yeah. Now, if you were to meet the cab driver that you attempted to stab tonight, what would you have some sort of like apologetic, would you have some remorse or would you be like,

you fucking deserved it, man? No, absolutely. It would be, I'm very sorry. Yeah. What do you think he would say if he saw you sad tonight? He'd probably say, I touched my dog's pussy.

Do you have a girlfriend that's alive? Do I have a girlfriend? I was married for 10 years, actually. I was married for 10 years. Really? Oh, shit. What happened? Widow? So I have a girlfriend I was married for ten years actually I was married for ten years really it happened widow We just started seeing the world differently we started seeing the world differently how so you She left or you left I Well, it became mutual. But at first it was, you know, I said I needed some time and stuff.

I wanted to see the world and get out. She was Roots. She wanted to put Roots down, really family-oriented. And I never really was able to. Okay. Thank you so much. Clint Watson, everybody. Clint Watson.

That's personal shit, yeah. There he goes. Clint Watson, everybody. There he goes. Clint Watson, everybody. Fuck yeah. Like a young Billy Crystal meth. Anyway. Let's fucking keep plowing through this. Actually, let's go to our regulars and we'll get one more person

up. We'll get one more person up. We'll get one more person up if we have time after the two regulars. I'll pull again out of the bucket. Going first this week out of your two regulars, there's two people who write and perform a brand new minute every single week. And then after we get through those two, we're going to do one more out of the bucket. But going up first, she just got back from doing gigs in Las Vegas. Known for her nervous style, writing and performing a new minute every single week.

Always nervous, always jittery. Hopefully better. Put your hands together for Melissa Esslinger, everybody. Yeah, I went to Vegas for the first time this weekend. And it was scary. But cool. I had to gather my thoughts I'm sorry you said be better and Jesus I just crashed and burned can I all right so you guys I just went to Vegas this weekend that was cool and I realized you know how when you're a kid and you have that friend who has really bad parents

so you like to hang out there because you can do shit? That's kind of like what Vegas is. This place where there are no rules. Nobody says no. I was confused by why I was seeing kids there.

They looked lost and they were with their parents. And I think we have Chuck E. Cheese to blame for the casino behavior. You got through it. You fucking did it. You come out. You stumble. you start to it's unbelievable you have everything there and you did it and you did a great job and meanwhile you stumble on on punchline list nothing's in the beginning that don't deserve a laugh and then you apologize and

then you had to restart and for no reason because you had it all the entire time and you delivered it perfectly why do you think uh you felt the need to stop and apologize in the beginning because when i freak out my brain just stops no my brain just shuts up it's the only time well if you convince yourself that if you convince yourself of that then that's always going to happen right and for your entire career you'll'll go, yeah, my brain just stops. Like you have a brain that's absolutely different than everybody else's. Meanwhile, if had you just took one more breath instead of saying, I fucked up, I lost my thoughts. I'm sorry, because that's sort of a repeating theme that we've seen a lot is this apology thing that we're trying to get.

Yeah, don't don't don't apologize. And here's the thing. Every comedian forgets, forgets jokes all the time. Yeah. And all you just do is you just take a second and wait for it to come and just don't. Yeah. Cause nobody knows.

No one sees what's going on in your brain. No one's like, Oh shit, the record's skipping. They don't know. Yeah. No one has any idea. Understand that.

You know what I mean? You have, you have protection inside. And the, and the beginning is the part where everyone's going to judge you for the rest of the show. So at the beginning of your set, if you fuck up, it's really hard to come back from that. You can literally say anything you want. Anything other than I'm sorry. It's just simply the two words that you can't say.

Like, have you ever been on stage and said the N-word? No. Right. But you laugh like that. But let's just say that I on stage and said the N-word? No. Right. But you laugh like that. But let's just say that I'm sorry is the new N-word. Okay? Because there's no need for you. I know.

It's mind-boggling to you. But it's not an option. Especially since I just throw it around so carelessly. No, I'm sorry is the new N-word. And, like, all comedians are white. Let's just put it that way. You know what I mean? Like, no one can say the N-word if they're white. Right?

Right. There you go. Yeah. What I'm saying is you should literally not say that on stage anymore. Don't say it. You've given more I'm sorry's in three months as a Kill Tony. It just doesn't come out. It's not an option anymore.

And it's been longer than that. I mean, seriously, if this can't be fixed, you're never going to be able to progress past this. One of the interesting spots that you're in and what this live audience is witnessing right now is that you're in a position as a regular on this show to where we have to, for viewers' sake and for our own, eliminate the shitty habits that happen

when we all start stand-up comedy that we've all been guilty of. But we have to eliminate them as hard as we can. And the I'm sorry thing is a it's almost becoming your get her done and it's like and you really don't want that people don't want to buy I'm sorry merch after your show

I'm sorry Larry the cable guy is just saying that sorry get her done you know it's one thing to like take this in and go yeah I'm going to actively try to not do this next time. But obviously, with any part of stand-up, just doing it and getting the repetition of when this scenario presents itself again, hopefully you're cognizant of like, all right,

I fucking don't. Try to talk through. Like, Brethren's always says, staying in the pocket, which I think is a great term. Yeah, totally. So just try to force yourself. Even if you were like, I forgot is a great term. Totally. Just like try to force yourself to even if you were like I forgot like just start talking about Vegas like I'm sure you had

some other opinions and stories just like start to kind of just not bail you know just like tell yourself like don't bail on anything and I think if you just start with that

then Jokes were so good too. Yep. Like a genuinely good perspective a unique take Exactly. on what is an just an overdone thing

that everyone's Vegas is crazy. But that's like it was a really interesting way to look at it. Just like you're the bad parents house. This fucking genius. It's a really good joke. And it's even better coming out of your youthful, you know, sort of naive perspective than likability that people can read coming out the stage. All of a sudden we picture you sort of like just doofing around Vegas like, whoa, this is crazy.

And it's a very fitting joke for you. So on top of it being written well and performed well after Apologies, I love that you're writing stuff that's in your voice and tone and really cool stuff. We just have to stop apologizing. And it's going to be fun a year or two from now when

the many Kill Tony fans that there are are always going to, I can just feel it, they're always going to mention it's so fucking amazing how we got to watch Melissa Esslinger grow. You're a little bit different than all the other regulars in that you came in extremely green

and you have so much potential and we see these little fundamental mistakes along the way but at the end of the day, your writing and your performing is shining through. So thank you so much, Melissa Esslinger. Yeah, Melissa. She did it again. Melissa Lights Out Esslinger.

Ladies and gentlemen, our other regular, who's been writing and performing a new minute every single week not out of the bucket has been with us for a couple months now and here we go again put your hands together for the stylings

you know her from Kill Tony you love her from Kill Tony it's Vanessa Johnston everybody thank you so I'm an atheist which sucks because I'm afraid of the dark and we only have

one holiday, Black Friday I'm a devout atheist I wear a cross to celebrate the death of Jesus Christ I hope there is a God so that I finally have someone to blame for my daddy issues that way if someone was like hey is everything okay

I could be like no not really our father keeps just making more children to replace the ones who die. There are 7 billion people on the planet. How many times does he have to come? That's a minute. Vanessa Johnston

she nailed it got it did it again what's that what are you talking about what do you mean yeah it ended on a laugh and I think she was expecting the cap

but we knew that it was a minute you did it you're right there it's an interesting thing because you've only been a regular for a couple few months but I feel like you already have your finger on the pulse of exactly what a minute is which is always fun to watch you know it's just a difference that you see

out of these people out of the bucket and somebody on stage and I love that because if you know how long a minute is then you definitely know how long a three-minute set is and a five-minute set is, and it's a good thing to know is to have that internal clock in your head. This is your guys' first time seeing Vanessa Johnston. First impressions?

Very comfortable. You seem like you've got a good grasp on what your voice is going to be and if there's good startings of that. got a good grasp on like what your voice is going to be and start, you know, there's good startings of that. I don't, I like to just get more just like,

it's like a performance thing. Like, I don't know. I want more energy, more energy, just cause I feel like I could help sell some of this stuff, but also maybe the energy vocal changes like inflection maybe. Yeah, I could feel that. If that's, if could feel that if that's if that's how

you talk if that's how you really are yeah i mean i i feel like one of the hardest things to be on stage is yourself and this seems like you're being you you know you do seem like a low energy person that's fine the problem is when i like talk with energy i talk too fast well how you're talking right now is how you weren't talking during no set. I know. I think that was a nervous part. That was a nervous Vanessa. I think this is you. That's what I was saying. I want to see that person. You can hear it better also. You're on your voice

more, which is definitely helpful. It also helps if you... I would recommend moving more towards the front of the stage. I feel like you were sort of under that ball. It's like a hat. I feel like... were sort of under that ball. Yeah, it's like a hat. I feel like I liked your perspective. You know, it was interesting. Most atheists kind of

just talk about, oh, you guys who believe in God are all dumb. And you were kind of an atheist who's like, boy, I wish there was one, though. You know, so I think that's I haven't seen that a lot,

which is cool. And that's another thing that's really hard for comedians to find is just their unique snowflake, you know, perspective. Like, we all have one. We just kind comedians to find is just their unique snowflake perspective. We all have one. We just kind of have to find it.

So I think you're getting there. I think you can tighten up the jokes a little bit and get to it a little faster maybe. But yeah, it was good. I love the Black Friday atheist holiday thing. I think there's even more that you can maybe delve into a little bit there. Unlike you believers, I actually get something on my holiday. Carnage.

Exactly. Like 55 inch televisions for $39 or whatever. Or a Martin Luther King holiday. You guys have some Martin Luther King inside joke that I don't know about you two. But another great new minute. Very impressive as always.

Vanessa Johnston, everybody. Yeah, good work. She's on Twitter at Vanessa Johnstoo. You guys want to go in the bucket one more time? Bucket, bucket, bucket, bucket, bucket. Here we go. Bucket, bucket. Let's bucket, bucket, bucket, bucket. Let's close the show with a bang, shall we? Let's see what happens when we bring up Bruce Gray.

What's up, guys? I did a show in Bakersfield recently. It was a blast. It was crazy. in Bakersfield recently. It was a blast. It was crazy. I was on stage, and during my set,

the sound overtook the entire bar like this. Sorry. And I was like, hey, to the bartender. I was like, can you check out what's going on? And he opened the emergency exit and found out it was a woman banging her head on the door. And he was like, hey, there's a comedy show going on. You can't do that right now. And then she sent her around away, and then she came in the front door,

and she stood ten feet in front of the stage, and she took out a box cutter and started cutting herself on the wrist. Yeah, I know. I know. Like this. Not like that. So she was there to do one thing steal my thunder she just she wasn't there to kill herself so i called the cops from the stage i said hey is a woman down here cutting herself with a box cutter and the lady was like okay so she has a weapon and i can hear cops in the background like yes and i was like no she's not that dangerous.

And she was like, too late, click. Thank you, guys. Bruce Gray, nailing it. Ballsy move, hitting the microphone. Yeah, sorry, I didn't realize it was going to go over. On a podcast that gets listened to by hundreds of thousands of people with headphones on. Sorry, might just want to say there's like some thumping. Because when you said, you know said it took over the sound system, I thought something was happening with the speakers or something.

And then I had to adjust to, oh, it was someone banging their head on a door. But way to turn it. I liked the turn. I was like, is he just going nowhere? And it was just like, okay. Cool. Yeah, I felt like it was going nowhere. It's ironic how all of us know exactly how to slash our wrists and how not to.

Downward, not to the side. I like you. I've been a fan since I saw you as the catcher on the sandlot. Thank you. I will take that. I'll take it. Thank you, Jeremiah. Very aggressive horn.

I felt like it was going nowhere. I looked over mid-set and got disapproving looks for hitting the microphone. I was like, oh, shit. Very aggressive horn. I felt like it was going nowhere. I looked over mid-set and disapproving looks for hitting the microphone. I was like, oh, shit. Yeah, of course. Yeah, it's annoying to the listeners. I mean, you're not going to get the tweets that we're going to get of this. What was up with that fucking giant lesbian at the end banging the microphone? You know what I mean?

But we're going to get that. Who are your comedy influences? It's really funny to say. I was like, I don't even know how old I was I stayed home from school I lied from being sick And I saw Matt Bronger On a

What? On a Live at Gotham Really? I swear to God It was like 2008 Yeah it was you Adam Devine

Tommy Davidson Holy shit Yeah man Kind of cool to be on here Very fuck kill Thanks buddy That's so fucking cool What

I'm glad to deprive you of your education Yeah thank you man Yeah I've never seen you either I really like you though on here. Very fuck kill. That's so fucking cool. What I do to deprive you of your education. Thank you. Thank you man. Yeah. Yeah. I've never seen you either. I really like you

though. You got a cool voice and you're you you definitely own the stage when you thank you man. I got a present. You have a cool voice

so coming from you that's cool man. Thank you. I love the joke. I love what you did. I think expand more and get more passionate and explosive at how

angry you really are at the chick for trying to steal your thunder like yeah she's trying to steal your thunder. Like, yeah, she's trying to steal your thunder, but the fucking bitch, you know what I mean? Like, what you really thought, like, how you really felt.

Having an emotional connection to a story like that is just going to help people who weren't there and don't know about it just jump on board more. And expand it. And, you know, you might, I made a joke about we all know how to cut our wrists, but, like, you might want to just say that. Side note, you know,

if people, if you cut downward, that you're really doing it side to side. That's just for show. Side note, you can't kill yourself by cutting downward. If you want to kill yourself, cut downward. I misspoke wrong, but I'm going to continue. Owen Wilson. Owen Wilson. He did the sideways thing.

Bruce, it was so nice to meet you. You were the last one on Kill Tony. There he goes. Bruce Gray, everybody. He's on Twitter. Bruce Gray. Bruce, it was so nice to meet you. You were the last one on Kill Tony. There he goes. Bruce Gray, everybody. He's on Twitter. Bruce Gray. Bruce. G-R-A-E.

Guys, look at this. Remember that blank sheet of paper? RyanJEBelt.com. Buy your Kill Tony poster prints. That's everybody. Adam Ray. Matt Bronger. Guys, what do you have coming up that you want to promote?

Adam Ray. AdamRay.TV. You can check out my podcast with Brad Williams about last night. I've got a show on TBS coming out with Eliza Schlesinger called Separation Anxiety starting March 8th. So tune into that. Beautiful. Adam Ray or Matt Bronger? I've got a web series right now on Comedy Central Digital called White Flight that I hope everybody checks out.

And I'm going to be on Agent Carter this beginning of this year. So fucking cool. That is amazing. It's fun. Congratulations on that. Thanks, man. One of your newest X-Men, everybody. Matt Fonger.

Jeremiah Watkins. Patty Reagan on Twitter. What else, guys? Matt Jeremiah Stan on Twitter. I just did a sketch on Jimmy Kimmel last week. Can we get a big round of applause for Josh Martin comic who makes this shit happen every single week. Live audience thank you so much. We'll see you guys soon.

Good night. Thank you. Is it the time to leave me? Is there anyone else? You've got to find the best one to host. It's a secret no one knows. It's a secret no one knows. Us. No one knows. I'm home, I'm home, I'm home. Bye. Turn it into more glory.