KILL TONY - KILL TONY #147

Episode Date: March 24, 2016

Mike Lawrence, Jamar Neighbors, Tony Hinchcliffe, Josh Martin, Jeremiah Watkins, Melissa Eslinger, Pat Regan, Vanessa Johnston, Brian Redban - Date: 03/14/2016 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to Kill Tony here at DeathSquad.tv. Don't forget to go to DeathSquad.tv for everything Death Squad, including tour dates. Click on tour dates, and you'll find all the different shows that we do, including Kill Tony, every Monday at the Comedy Store. Every Tuesday, we have the Roast Battle, which is the verbal violence podcast. Every first and third Friday, we are in Pasadena at the ice house doing the desk wad comedy show there and May 22nd we're bringing kill Tony on the road to Nashville, Tennessee That's right. We're gonna get Zany's comedy club Sunday May 22nd. That's that's coming up guys. It's a part of a comedy festival We're doing a live show.

It's at 5.30 p.m., which is a Sunday, May 22nd. Kill Tony Live Nashville. Also go to TonyHinchcliffe.com for all the other tour dates that Tony does and all his merch and all his stuff. TonyHinchcliffe.com. Don't forget to subscribe to Kill Tony on iTunes. Just search the iTunes store for Kill Tony.

Hit subscribe and rate and review the show. And if you want to subscribe to Kill Tony on iTunes. Just search the iTunes store for Kill Tony, hit subscribe, and rate and review the show. And if you want to subscribe to everything we do here at Death Squad, just subscribe to the Death Squad podcast on iTunes. There we have just everything, including Kill Tony, including verbal violence, including what Brian Redbottom do, which is my podcast. And so don't forget, you can just do that. Subscribe to Death Squad.

Also, go to Ryan J E belt. He's the house artists that we've been having on all our shows who draws every episode. But right now he has a limited edition kill Tony movie poster. You can get it by going to Ryan J E belt.com. And shop squad. Dot TV is the official merchandise of the Death Squad universe, including we have a pre-order for a new hat, a silver hat, and a remix of the original Pill shirt.

So check it out. It's on pre-order right now at ShopSquad.TV. All right, guys. Here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Brad Bane coming to you live from the Road Famous Comedy Store for a brand new episode of Kill Tony, Volume 3. Give it up for Tony Hedgescliff. It's me, everybody hi we're live how are you welcome everyone to the number one podcast in the world live podcast the number one live that part's very important the number one live podcast in the world keep it going for Reagan and Watkins ladies and gentlemen you sir you heard them you saw you love them the great right Brian Redband is here guys on the sounds the ones and twos Ryan J

e-belt drawing tonight's episode yo you stop class that what happens you You hate artists? Jamie Vernon on the HD camera. And I want to do something special here tonight. You're a special audience. You get to see the first thing for the very first time. You like being a special audience, huh? Yeah!

Who wants to be a special audience? I do. You get to see Kill Tony. How many episodes have we done? Over 150. This is 147. Okay.

This is 147. Okey dokey. Very humbling. Excuse me, sir. Thank you very much, guys, for repeating that. The late statisticians, Reagan and Watkins.

For podcast purposes. We have our first ever merch, ladies and gentlemen. Our first ever merch, and it is the new, the first ever, Kill Tony, the movie poster,

ladies and gentlemen. Brian, can you pull that bottom part down for me? Brian Chickenhands, can you pull the bottom of that down? Look at this. That's me, the two regulars, Vanessa Johnston, Melissa

Esslinger. That's Pat Reagan with a look on his face like he just said a bad joke. And Josh Martin. Jeremiah Watkins is behind Pat, by the way. You can't... These are limited edition, the first ever Kill Tony posters. $30, everybody.

$30. $30 fucking dollars. Get it together it together drawn by Ryan J belt here put your fucking hands together why Ryan J belt calm you call yourself a kill Tony fan if you don't have a poster you're a punk ass bitch yeah buy a $30 poster you motherfucker these episodes are as free as it gets as it gets. Buy it. Buy it.

Buy it. Buy it. There you go. Do it. Okay. I think you guys got your point across. Buy the fucking poster. So welcome to the show,

everybody. Another fun, exciting Monday. I'm happy to be back in LA. We've been doing the road a lot, have a lot of crazy shit coming up. Cap City in Austin.

Zany's in Chicago. We are doing Kill Tony at the Wild West Comedy Festival in Nashville, Tennessee. In Tennessee. That's sometime in May. Who cares? It's a part of a festival, so they get to promote it. Yeah.

I went to South by Southwest last night. That shit's crazy. That's fun, right? You did some shows with George Perez. Yeah, and a bunch of the people from the Guys We Fucked podcast and Ryan Doon. Ran into Doug Benson, of course, smoking weed in the middle of the streets sounds about right so I'm excited to be back let's do

this again you guys ready for Kill Tony or what I don't believe you sorry shows cancelled everybody we're gonna go get a different audience we're gonna sub them in are you guys ready for Kill Tony live right now every single week I have two of the funniest comedians a different audience. We're going to sub them in. Are you guys ready for Kill Tony Live? Right now. Every single week I have two of the funniest comedians in the world on as guests. And this week is no different. In fact, this is

what we would call a superior show. Put your hands together for two of the best comedians in the world, two of the funniest human beings I know, and truly two of my favorite comedians. Put your hands together for the great Mike Lawrence and Jamar Neighbors. Holy shit. Holy shit. Holy shit.

Holy shit. Holy shit. Uh, uh, uh, uh. Here they are live in the flesh. Mike Lawrence back for the second week in a row before he heads back to New York. And the great Jamar Neighbors. Hi.

Fresh off the release of his amazing comedy mixtape, America's... Nigga. And you can find that at verbalviolence.tv exclusively there and on DatPiff. Yeah. And at Worldstar, probably. Yeah.

Mike, welcome back. That's a wonderfully uncomfortable title. Yeah. I feel like Gwyneth Paltrow is the only white person who would say the full name of that album. They also name it Paula Deen's Cookbook. That's true. Josh, what episode of Kill Tony are we on? 1137.

147. The way that he answered that, it was like you just dropped a bunch of toothpicks in front of him. You guys have both done this show before. You're two of my favorite guests, two of my favorite people to riff and play with. We are going to have so much fun. Reagan, Watkins, Red Band, E-Belt, Vernon, Martin.

And we are ready to go. Laverne. Shirley. Starsky. Bill. Ted. Bye, everyone. And that's tonight's show.

Thank you for coming out that's why we are the number one live podcast in the world some of the best entertainment we throw all our heat right at the front and then we end the shit I don't know Tony I think this audience needs to catch up alright you know it's an audience of mostly comics when you

talked about your show being at a festival then no one clapped yeah these people can't even get into a Mostly comics. When you talked about your show being at a festival, then no one clapped. They're not close on it. Yeah. Just sad fucks. These people can't even get into a fucking regular festival, not to mention a comedy festival. They can't even go to a carnival.

Yeah. Y'all can't even go to the park. And then you have a poster for Jamar's Comedy Park. Over 50 human beings, over 50 rising, some of them at the decline of their career, some of them at the very start of it. Over 50 human beings signed up for the chance to do 60 seconds on this stage

and then talk to us afterwards. Absolutely anything can happen because the bucket is in full control. Comedians, you know your 60 seconds is up when you hear the sound of a kitty. Whoa. It's there tonight. Okay. That actually surprised me more than anything

ever has. It's a loud kitty tonight. I like that. It's a bobcat. Yeah. That means wrap it up then. If you go over your time, you get in big trouble because you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. Oh, I see what happened there.

They flipped tonight. He's a little quiet bear. All right. Well, you guys get the point. You ready to start this shit or what? Here we go. This is it. You're about to see 60 seconds. Could be a new comedian. Could be an old comedian. Could be somebody's first time. It could be you. Your friend may have signed you up for the show tonight you just don't know it performing 60 seconds live right now put your hands together

for Naveed Sultan here we go What's up guys? Alright, let's get down to it. I haven't seen any good movies lately, but I am excited for that movie Suicide Squad. It's where all the comic book villains get together and they make a super team. I only know that because I had to look it up. Because when I first saw the name of the movie, I was like, oh shit, they're making a movie about Al Qaeda. Because that's the real Suicide Squad. And it kind of makes me pissed off at Hollywood. Because I'm like, how the fuck do you guys have the nerve to make a movie called Suicide Squad and not put one brown guy on the team? Like he should be, the most important dude. But Hollywood calling me up, I'll do it.

I'll be terrorist number three. Thank you guys so much. Really appreciate it. Wow. Out at 45 seconds. Naveed Sultan. I love that a joke about suicide slowly died on its own. Suicide slowly died on its own. I wasn't paying attention. I was just watching this bad bitch walk up in here. Who is that?

Yeah, get up here, Sade. God damn! Did you play Kimmy Gibbler in the full house porn? Full spouse. Fuck yeah. We bet you do. Naveed Sultan. What's up, Tony?

I love it. You sitting next to Josh just feels like the world's sweetest make a wish. Is this just a remake of weird science? Like, what the fuck? Naveed Sultan. What's up, Tony? Okay, stop calling me Tony, Naveed.

Tony! And stop having the hair of a band member from Soundgarden. Clearly you do have a look more fitting for a magician than a comedian. I was going to say Uber driver. Well, then you would have been less funny than what I said. Woo!

Thank you, Jeremiah. He's the sultan of a swing and a miss Naveed what's your story? You been on this show before? Yeah I came on here one time in December prior I told a joke about to catch a predator. Okay. So at least you talked about something relevant now. That's good.

Naveed, what do you do for work? I actually, today was my first day of work. I got laid off like a month ago and I just got a new job. But it's just phone sales. So it's nothing special. Phone sales. What are you selling? Who buys phones nowadays? I had a feeling somebody was going to do it.

I didn't think it would be you. What if he was hired to promote the movie Suicide Squad and that's why he did that set? First ever phone promotion. That's the real Suicide Squad in theaters August 8th. How long have you been on stand-up, Naveed? On and off about six years. Wow.

Mostly off, I'm hoping. Yeah, it seems like it, yeah. Are you from LA? No, I'm from Dallas. Hmm. Interesting. A lot of Sultans in Dallas? No, actually, it's pretty uncommon, but yeah.

What do your parents do for work? My mom was a teacher and my dad was a deli manager. A lot of was's there. They're retired? Yeah. Okay. They're both dead because it's all Suicide Squad. In theaters March 14th.

No, I think August 8th is the actual date. I should know this shit. Come on. Oh snap. Fucking guy does a comic book joke in front of me. Hey, Naveed, you ever been naked in the pale moonlight? Yeah. Joker.

You know, I see what you're doing there with the whole suicide squad joke. My advice, if you want to keep doing it, which I don't know if that would be my advice, but if you want to make it better, I would lose a bunch of fucking words and shit. The Suicide Squad movie, turns out it's not the Al-Qaeda movie. Ba-ba-ba-ba.

They should have the... You really have to fucking do a lot of surgery. Because everything that you were saying was telegraphed. Because when I first heard suicide, it's like, you know... And the joke has an expiration date. So why spend so much time on a joke that you know you can't use, like, August 30th? It's gone. Especially the quality a joke that you know you can't use August 30th? It's gone. Especially the quality of jokes that you're writing. It's definitely not going to end up being timeless. You know what I mean? People aren't

going to be like, my God, did you hear Naveed Sultan's fucking Suicide Squad joke? Yeah. Hey. What's up? How you doing? But you're following your dreams, dog. Yep. Yep. You are chasing them.

They are way out ahead of you. But keep chasing them. Are we just going to banter for 10 minutes and then Morgan Freeman just ends it with a beautiful monologue? You either start trying or keep bombing. Naveed, we're through with you. That was Naveed Sultan, everybody. There he goes. Naveed, we're through with you. That was Naveed

Sultan, everybody. There he goes. Naveed Sultan. He's on Twitter. Lance Council. There he goes. I love it. I love that saxophone, Jeremiah. You are.

I love that. Who is that? Pat, how are you? How's it going, Pat? You okay? I'm good. Is it weird sitting are you how's it going Pat you okay I'm good yeah is it weird sitting close to a pretty lady Pat no is everybody okay

yeah shut up by the way you said no it actually seems like it was like you actually were super nervous that girl seems to be

Jamar's crypto white I like that she she looks like a possum I really want to fuck. A possum? What, you like the idea of someone playing dead the entire time you're having sex with them? Yeah. I pulled another name out of the bucket.

Looks like a new name, I do believe. Let's see. It's Julian Fernandezne Julian Fernandez Julian Fernandez sup I'm not very good at hitting on women very bad at it I'm trying something new trying to change up my voice try to sound a little tougher a little more manly like Liam Neeson from Taken. He's the definition of a man's man, so I feel like if I walked up just confident, just, I don't know who you are.

I don't know what you're looking for in a man. You can walk away right now. That'd be the end of it. Or you can give me your number, and I will call you. I will find you. Why are you running away? Come back! Won't work. Started thinking again, one other thing I should try

is maybe try to sound more sophisticated, more interesting, like Morgan Freeman. A national treasure level kind of voice, so soothing and relaxing. Just walk up. My word. You are the most gorgeous woman I've ever seen. Truly the gods took their time

carving the marble stone to create this angel I see before me. Oh, how the heavens and earth... Bitch, why are you asleep? Wake up! Thank you very much, guys. My name's Julian Fernandez. Fuck yeah.

Julian Fernandez. Kill Tony! Kill Tony. I like that. You guys are the best. Oh, man. That is so awesome. I love your style, Julian.

You're an interesting looking guy. Has anyone ever told you that you look like a swollen Frank Caliendo swollen like swollen face like it looks like you're having an allergic reaction right now did you get stung by a bee or something no that's just my face I love that

just making sure you're a funny guy I'm good I'm fine where are you from? Walnut, SoCal West Covina area nobody knows where it is Just making sure. You're a funny guy. I'm good. I'm fine. Where are you from? Walnut, SoCal. Walnut? West Covina area. Yeah, nobody knows where it is. Is it next to peanut?

That's the stupidest thing you could possibly say. No, this audience needs to catch up. That's right, Jeremiah. I've been saying that. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, man. Julian, what's your story? How long have you been on stand-up? Five years.

All out in Walnut? No, I try my best to come out here as much as I possibly can. That's a little tough just because it's about an hour drive. It's a tough nut to crack. Yeah. Yeah. Julian, what do you do for work? I work at a

marijuana dispensary whoa fuck yeah and your new Kill Tony regular Julian Fernandez catch him here every week

there you go I love that how long have you been doing that for? I just started before that I worked at Security for for a strip club. Ooh.

Yeah. So you're just living out every wish of a 15-year-old boy. Yeah. My thought, I thought it was a little hacky. I would be honest. The impressions are good, but the way that you did them was too easy i would i mean they're like you look at like james adomian who i think is like the best impression comic around right now and he has full bits where he's saying stuff but with you it was like you were just forcing the impression in and another thing i just don't like when people go

you know like liam neeson from taken we know liam neeson you know i'm jewish he saved a lot of my people many years ago uh but it's like when you spoon feed it like that when people be like you know like gollum from lord of the rings i'm like oh no i thought it was from tyler perry's medea's family reunion that gollum um i think trust the audience more and you clearly have presence you You clearly have talent. I think you can be using it much better than the easy way out you're taking now. Well, with 60 seconds, I wanted to show off what I could. With 60 seconds, it's all the more reason to lose the extra stuff and trust the audience.

Show that you can write also, because there wasn't much writing in that. You were just mostly quoting movies in a very forced context. Yeah, well, you did the Liam Neeson impression. Liam Neeson from the Naked Gun movie? From the Taken Gun movies? You know, from those films. Yeah, yeah, yeah. When you did that impression I was like oh shit

another guy doing that impression but then you did the best one I ever heard so I don't know where I sit with it you know like do you stop doing it or do they stop do I tell other niggas like hey it's a nigga with a fire as Liam Neeson impression yeah all y'all four niggas to stop doing that shit guess what the secret word of the day is guys Oh the old school telephone shocker right but you? I think you guys are right about that. Because, like, you know, the Liam Neeson doing the I will find you and I will kill you joke is kind of like doing a Schwarzenegger I'll be back joke. It's like our generation's version of that.

When the guitar comic is telling you not to take the easy way out. It's actually a songwriter Artist Artist and songwriter You don't talk to Pat Reagan like that That Morgan Freeman impression Sounded like The Black Power Ranger You ever hear him talk?

Nah alright You mean Walter Jones the third? That's the actor I just wanted to make that reference. You know the guy that plays the Black Power Ranger, Mike? That's my best friend. I know of him.

He plays the Black Power Ranger from the show Power Rangers. Hey, Jamar. Doesn't Morgan Freeman have a lot of moles? Yeah, and they got a gang of them. And how would he discuss those moles? He'd be like, I think he'd make his grandchildren count them.

That's how he teaches them to count. All right. Start with the nipple. I don't know. They're not moles. They're dreams that have come true. Well, that nigga look like a cookie. Now he should play famous Amos.

Fuck Morgan Freeman. Julian, so I'm still a little confused. There's something about your eyes that's throwing me off. You're getting lost in his eyes. Are you half Asian? No, I'm full Mexican. Full Mexican. I just have small eyes.

You look suspicious. I know. He works at a marijuana dispenser. Of course he has small eyes. What's another impression that you can do that's awesome? Another impression. I can do Obama. What? Hey, can you do...

Anybody black, I'm like, what? You can do Kiki Palmer, what? Uh-oh, the mic's out of the mic stand. Look out, people. Can you do Christopher Walken? Stop it, Brian. What does your Barack sound like? Uh... Very, um...

Oh, shit! It's good. It's all good. I'm sorry, go ahead. Very, uh... I hope, on the point. Accurate. And pleasurable to the ear.

That'd make a do stutter. What if during the day he's pushing for Obama to get a third term so he can keep doing the job? All right, Julian. Who are you going to vote for in this election? Bernie. Really? Yeah. What if he was like Trump? I hate

all of my family. I got this one on I want to get the fuck rid of. Well, Julian, it was nice to meet you. Julian Fernandez, first time on Kill Tony. There he goes. He's on Twitter at JJF Comedy. So, if you're keeping

score, Mexicans won, Middle Easterners zero. For those of you with your race bingo cards. This looks like another new name. Put your hands together for Christian Piper. Thanks. Thanks I'm married, I've been married for three years so far so good, I like her she does have a little bit of the autism just a little, just a scoach of the tizzy.

It's what used to be called Asperger's Syndrome, but now it's called an autism spectrum disorder. It's not that rare, no big deal. Except she was diagnosed six months after we got married. So my first thought is, how did I not know that my wife had autism? Seems like that's a social cue I should have picked up on. People get worried when I talk about it. They get nervous.

It's no big deal. She loves these jokes. She's not easily offended because of the Asperger's. And really, if you're getting tested for that as an adult, you better hope you have it. Alright, that's it. Thanks. Boom. Exactly a minute. Unbelievable.

Christian, I feel like I know you. Yeah, I opened for you in Salt Lake City about six months ago. Yeah, great stuff, man. Thank you. I've always wanted to be entertained by my spirit animal. You look like one of the guys that would fight Hulk Hogan, like not on the pay-per-view, but like on TV. Right, on Saturday mornings and just get beat up in like three minutes.

I was just imagining Jimmy Hart standing behind you the entire time saying the punchlines in a megaphone. People would just be impressed that he could lift them. Do you really date somebody like, is this all true? Yeah, that's my wife. Wow. I mean, I've been attracted to Aspies for like the last five years and

it's actually a thing. Every girl I meet has Asperger's and I don't even know until after I break up. What are you talking about, Brian? Brian, you have the Cutest bitch I ever seen in my life was in a wheelchair in my high school Yeah, I believe y'all man. I imagine that in a Morgan Freeman voice

Freeman voice. I only got the uh part now. How intense is the Asperger's? If you guys get in a fight, can you just jiggle your car keys or something? Ryan Red family. Those are the ones that you're attracted to. Yeah.

You guys are having a we date terrible People off right now. This is amazing. I wonder who's going to win. It's actually super mild. She has more of the physical symptoms where she's super light sensitive and sound sensitive. And drools. Yeah, yeah.

So what does that affect? What's different about, what does she have to change? Well, she has to have the lighting exactly right in every room. She wears earmuffs when she uses the blender because it's too loud. Whoa. That kind of stuff. And you didn't notice this before you married her?

I need my earmuffs! He has to accept that she has How often do you? He has to accept that she has Asperger's and she has to accept that he looks like a Guess Who character. Boom. Damn. So good.

For you podcast listeners, you have got to look up what this guy looks like. It'll be worth the Google. How much harder like ugly people have to try to be funny and succeed? As a fat beardo myself, man, you're one of my fucking people, man. Yeah. One of us, buddy. Thank you. We will both be complaining while we go see Batman vs. Superman alone together.

Sounds like a plan. Is that weird? Do you ever get to go to movies with her and she's just there with earmuffs and a blindfold on? She doesn't do movies, so I go by myself. We spend a lot of time separate. Well, it turns out she just said that so she doesn't have to support your comedy career. Yeah, you know,

she uses the earmuffs with the blender and the comedy store. So she can't see 3D movies? No, she doesn't go to any movies. 3D movies. What's that even mean? Her eyes are fucked up up is that what you mean I'm just picturing a person with autism

with some 3D glasses freaking the fuck out it's funny to me by the way that's a great Bernie Sanders supporter costume oh thank you if you in love, man, fuck it. Yeah, exactly.

That's fucking... How long have you been doing it, man? That was really fucking great and original. And it built. And it was one subject. Killer, killer stuff. Yeah, the punches kept building up. It was great.

Five years. That's awesome, man. All in Salt Lake City? Yeah, I moved here a month ago. Oh, dude. Great. Great move. Welcome. Welcome, man. That shit was good. That's awesome. Really in Salt Lake City? Yeah, I moved here a month ago. Oh, dude. Great. Great move. Welcome.

Welcome, man. That shit was good. That's awesome. Really fucking great, man. Have you already accepted that you'll only ever be able to write for other people? I've started to kind of realize that, yeah. You're going to be that fun guy in the writer's room, though, you know? I'll take it, yeah.

Have you written a script and stuff? I would honestly say that's where you're going to fucking be. This is a pretentious, shitty, image-based city, but fucking just keep writing and people will want to work with you. All right. We'll do. There you go. Christian, am I saying your last name?

How do you say that last name? Yeah, it's Piper. Piper. Fuck yeah. Just like Rowdy Roddy. That's right. Another friend of Kill Tony. That's right. Two-time guest. Awesome. Anyway, Christian, nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. Welcome to Los Angeles. Come see us again soon.

That's Christian Piper at Piper Comedy on Twitter. P-I-E-P-E-R. Literally has the word pie in his name and on his shirt. One of the few comedians to... Alright. I liked it. Okay., oh this will be interesting. This sounds like this is a human being that isn't here. Put your

hands together for Eric HR TV 24. It's a real human being. Here he comes. Eric HR TV 24. Sup everybody, how you guys doing? I'm from New York City and I'm gonna give Eric HR TV 24. What's up, everybody? How you guys doing? I'm from New York City, and I'm going to give you this song really quick. So if you could clap with me. Let's do it. Wait till I get, till I get my taxes back. I will know how to act when I get my income tax.

I can't wait till I get, till I get my income tax I can't wait till I get till I get my taxes back I will know how to act when I get my income tax just a few months ago I asked her for a loan so that I could turn on my phone but she turned around and told me no then a few weeks after that I asked if I could hold Some money to buy a coat But she left me in the cold Wait till I get

Till I get my taxes back I will know how to act When I get my income tax Thank you guys, I appreciate that I'm trying not to run over my time I'm trying not to run over my time. I'm trying not to run over my time. I'm black and we're trying to keep it together. My tax is back. Wait till I get my tax is back.

I don't know how to act till I get my tax is back. Yeah. Fuck yeah. Three people singing about taxes that don't have real jobs. You guys know you don't get a tax return. All right. I do get my taxes back. Eric, it says here your last name is HRTV24. Are you a robot? No.

You're the second person to say that. No, it's from my channel. Thank you. That first person must have been fucking hilarious. I guess. Why not? You can't even do like a weird black people names joke about that. It's just fucking odd.

Shout out to Breaking Stereotypes. I am Eric HR TV 2-4. I have been programmed to do moderately at Kill Tony. It's okay. I had to shorten it down. It's okay. It's okay. I had to shorten it down. It's okay. It's okay. You had to shorten it down?

That thing goes for longer than that? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no, no. Wait, wait. Oh, my God. It's a full show. It's nine minutes long, and it just tells you how to do your taxes? Get W-2 form out.

I'm trying to get a deal with TurboTax. TurboTax! Yes, TurboTax! Liberty Tax! I know that song felt like a jingle you would see during a commercial while you're watching Maury Povich. That's good. Yeah, I like that.

Like after the Everest College ad, that comes on. My tax is back. I like how you think. Tony, he looks like the weekend's broke cousin, The Work Week. I'll take it. Wow, look at that training little baby roasters over here. I love that when you see the nice guy turn sometimes after a few weeks of being with us evil fucks.

Yeah. Hey, Tony. It's weird seeing someone be hateful with a saxophone. I can take people's souls from them as well. Nice guy Jeremiah Jeremiah, pulling a fucking good cop, bad cop flip on us. I want to say that I'm from the Bronx, New York.

They want to say that, no, you're not. No, no, no. Trust me. Trust me, I am. Everybody in the Bronx, I just heard them from here. They're like, fuck that motherfucker. All my life. All my life. All my life. And I want to say, but this room is more

cutthroat than New York, but I like it. This feels like New York. We know. Thank you. He just goes around the Bronx teaching them how to do taxes with his songs. I used to be an office manager, so it is what it is. I am Eric HRTB24. I will help you do your taxes. Formerly Eric EZ140.

It's a tax joke, motherfuckers. Only in the month of March do I do those. I'm wearing running pants because I took a premise and ran it to the ground. You really rep New York a lot. You have the shirt on. No, no, no. Wait. I knew that was going to come up.

I didn't have any laundry. This was the only thing that was clean because I hadn't worn it since I've been out here and yeah I got work to do when I go back home hey that might be my favorite party horn ever yo man I ain't got no laundry uh I haven't been you know keeping up on the things that I have to do in my life to sustain. It's been hard. Thank you. LA is a hard place. Party on.

Wait till I get a new change of clothes. You got to add that verse to it, man. I like that. You know what I kind of admire about it is that you didn't put that shit on an Instagram video like we're supposed to be at. You know what I'm saying? If you record that shit and put that shit on Instagram, nigga, you'll get some reposts. Sounds good.

I know King Batch and all that. That's good. That's what HRTV24 is. HRTV24 is my Instagram. Nigga, that's too many numbers. Fuck that. Instagram. Man, you program that shit right into there it is what it is

yeah so now that we know you're wearing dirty laundry it's not dirty I said it was clean yeah but we don't really believe you smell me if you like I'm good on that Eric I promise you I still

that wretched smell of that song is still in this room. It is what it is. Do you have a lot of songs? Yeah, I'm working on a comedy album. Can you give us a couple titles of some other ones? She Thinks She's All That Cause Them Food Stamps, Ratchet and Ghetto, Wait Till I Get My Taxes Back. Oh, I think I've heard of this one.

I've heard of that one. Yo. Oh, it's Wait Till I Get My Taxes Back Part 2. He filled out the forms incorrectly. It's like R. Kelly. He still hasn't gotten his return. It's an R I get my taxes back part two. He filled out the forms incorrectly. And it's like R. Kelly. He still hasn't gotten his return. It's an R. Kelly thing. Is any of this on the internet?

I'm working on it. It's my new album, Chip Off the HR Block. Is this called Ratchet? Yeah, I like that. I like that. Jennifer Lopez. I like that. What does that have to do with Jennifer Lopez?

From the block. From the block. No, HR Block is a tax processing company. Oh, that. What does that have to do with Jennifer Lopez? From the block. From the block. No, H.R. Block is a tax processor. Oh, that. Oh, my God. Wow. That was good. You would know this if you actually did your taxes.

That's what I get for visiting your wheelhouse. So you're from the Bronx. How long are you visiting L.A. for? I'm going to be here until April. Yeah. And I got here last month. What do you do for work? I used to be an office manager now I'm just here visiting and then I'm gonna go back to work doing that. Are you staying at a place when you're here? Yeah I live on Hollywood Boulevard in

Highland and not at a hostel because somebody asked me that no I live in a nice place. In a nice place that doesn't have laundry. No, actually... Be very careful with how you use your words next. I wanted his next song. Girl, you're so fuckable because I love your deductibles. I like how this guy thinks. I appreciate that. Thanks, man. I'm from New York, too.

Shout out to New York. All right, guys. If we didn't talk about it, no one would know it existed, okay? It's true. I'm pretty sure New York's doing okay without you guys getting a shout out. Pretty sure it's the most powerful city in the world. Yo, man, shout out to the Statue of Liberty. I see you out there.

If I wore a shirt of the place I was from, it would just say the words of broken marriage. Yo, man, shout out to Ruckus. You perform a lot, Eric? I'm trying to. While I'm out here in LA, I'm trying to hit up different spots. What do you mean by that? So is that no or you're trying?

What does that mean? I don't know. I feel like I could be doing more, but I don't know. I'm trying. Yeah. I didn't bring my piano with me, so it's limited. Oh, shit. I know.

Yeah, it's a problem for me. Shout out to the Hollywood Improv. limited. Oh, shit. I know. Yeah, it's a problem for me. Shout out to the Hollywood Improv. Yeah. Whoa. Okay. I know. I know. They have a piano.

They have a piano. Oh. I like that. Nigga, what? Shout out to New York. I like that, too. The fuck you just say, nigga? I like them a little better.

Comedy store, Nick. Are you really? You talk about your belly room. Well, the improv says they love taxes. I feel like I'm back home. What is this? Eric, so do you ever go by your real last name or you just promote your instagram yeah that's that's my name yeah you don't like your last name um it's it's okay what

is it it's just really yeah i'm not gonna say it oh my god damn everybody's gonna search me if you go on my instagram you'll see it makes me believe that somebody didn't really file their taxes this year his real name name is LaVar Burton. He hosted a wonderful show called Reading Rainbow for many years. That used to be my show. You got a great voice, too. Oh, thank you. I thought I did terribly, but thank you.

No, no, no. You got the heat. Thank you. I appreciate that. Great stuff. Great stuff. Great stuff, Eric. And I loved you as the new stormtrooper and

the new Star Wars I haven't watched the film so I bet don't get your joke I haven't watched the film what are we doing here 35 millimeter I haven't seen the cinema wait wait you actually don't get the jokes so you haven't seen the commercials the posters you haven't seen been to any store in the last six months I have but I just I never kept up with Star Wars so yeah that's real up from the hood we months. I have, but I just never kept up with Star Wars. I'm from the hood. We got other things to work. Oh, I got booed?

Is that the first one ever? Yo, that's nice. Thank you. I appreciate that. No, you don't, by the way. What just happened? I really feel like I'm in New York, but shout out to New York. Alright, I'm done with you. Say New York again, niggas! Shout out to New York and suck your ass. Eric, it was nice meeting you.

Best of luck with everything. Write your songs. Get it going. Punch them up. Sounds good. Thank you. Do your laundry. I can't wait for the Subprime Mortgage's mixtape.

Yeah, it's a part of my mixtape. I forgot to mention that. Yeah. Thank you guys. I appreciate it. Speaking of mixtapes. There he goes, everybody. The notorious IRS, everyone. Eric HRTV24. Believe it or not, he's on air at HRTV24.

For those of you that love fucking half-decent shit. Oh, wow. we know this guy. This guy's a guy who's built a big reputation here on Kill Tony, one of the highest ever slugging percentages in the history of the show. Notorious for it.

Put your hands together for him. Back again. Matthew Maloney, everybody. Here he comes. Ruby, Ruby, Ruby, Ruby Soho. Destiny, Ruby Soho. Ruby, Ruby, Ruby, Ruby Soho. I picked up a new addiction recently, so that's been fun.

Unfortunately, it wasn't one of those sexy addictions like heroin or basket weaving. I recently became addicted to pinball. You know those machines you see in the back of arcades that remind you that Jodie Foster used to be hot? I recently became obsessed with one of those things. It was a pinball machine themed after the band Kiss and it had a gigantic miniature of Gene Simmons head that would eject pinballs from his throat. Now we all know

that Gene Simmons is able to breathe fire. We've seen it a million times. But Gene Simmons spitting out silver balls? Figured, heck, you're not going to see that on Pornhub. But it turns out, you can. You just have to have the premium membership. Thank you. Fuck yeah, exactly one minute. Matthew Maloney coming in. Coming in nice and smooth. I like that.

Matthew, you look like a father and son use that face swap app. Like a little baby and a hairy father swapped faces on an app. I agree. It's I agree. What, Pat? It's Hagrid.

What, Pat? It's Hagrid. Okie dokie. It's Hagrid. It's Hagrid. It's Hagrid. What? No one can understand me.

Oh, man. You guys just lost, and there wasn't even a competition going on. It's from Harry Potter. Never mind. It's from Harry Potter. I guess I'll just go back to my corner. All right. Yeah, keep playing sound effects, douchebag.

These characters have a little bit of an attitude, huh? You know what? Man, it sucks when you use all your good fat bearded guy stuff. Another one? Jesus. No, that was good. It fizzled out. Thanks, Dad.

Looks like one was good. It fizzled out. Thanks, Dad. Looks like one was left. Catch up, please. We opened the code and it turns out there's been three kids on top of each other the entire time. I like that. One for Deadpool, please. Oh my God.

I fucking love you. Mike Lawrence. Mike fucking Lawrence. Sick visual. Holy shit. It's so fucking funny. That is fucking sick. Dude.

Sick. I could imagine that. Matthew, that is an interesting jacket. Like, when you bought it, you have to know that you do look a little bit shady in it, right? You look like you murdered someone at a Pantera concert. Aw, look at that. Who's a little baby? You put a beard on that baby.

You are adorable, though. He provides the voice of the West Hollywood bear. Matthew, what's been happening, man? You've been on the circuit for a while. This is like your fifth, sixth, seventh time on the show, something like that. What do you do for work? Uber.

Uber? Yeah. Wow. XL? Like your shirts. What kind of Uber? Uber X, yeah. What kind of car do you have?

Prius. Ooh, fucking tight squeeze, huh? Environment. Very nice. How long have you been doing comedy? About a year now. Yeah. That's great.

Nice. I just kept staring at his shoes the whole time. Oh, he's got those Josh Meyerowitz. He's got the autism shoes on, huh? Did you just upgrade from Velcro straps? That's incredible. I feel like Chris Piper is like the evolved Pokemon version of this guy. What's been happening, Matthew?

Anything crazy happening in your Uber lately? No, not in the Uber. Tell us something about your real life. What's been going on? How uncomfortable are girls when they get inside your car? Enough to give me three stars. You have a low ranking right now? No, it's okay.

It's fine. What is it? My ranking's fine. What is it? It's fine. Why are you holding the mic stand like you're petting a rabbit? Wait, so you can tell us our ratings right now on Uber, our backwards ratings? If you call me, yeah.

You better not cancel. What is your rating? 4.73 at the moment. It's also how many years he has left on the earth. It's true. It's true. We actually talked to a doctor before the show, and he gave us that estimate.

Why do you think it got down to a 4.7? Do you remember anything that went wrong? Did you fart or something? Put on bad music? You never know. Do you talk too much? Are you one of those guys that won't shut up? I think it's actually the opposite problem.

Really? Because I don't talk at all, and some people... People that don't talk at all and wear that jacket normally drive people to somewhere with where you'd kill them. Somebody challenged me to masturbate in an Uber so last night I

masturbated in an Uber on an hour Uber drive. Did you challenge you to masturbate in the Uber, Brian? This is what it sounds like to me. I've known you long enough now to know that that's pretty much all that. That feels like you just lived up to whatever potential you always had. Here lies Red Band.

You know what he did in that Uber. Yeah, but it doesn't count if you didn't come. Did you come? Oh yeah, I did on Periscope. You can watch it right now. On Periscope? You came on Periscope? Have you ever had one of those Uber drives that you were like,

oh, I have to drive like two hours now, and then you have to drive back two hours? Actually, the one time I did a two-hour ride, it was to a place I was already headed. And so that was amazing. That's awesome. How did that go down? You kidnapped her, tied her up, put her in the trunk.

Yeah, that's how I picture your Uber, just people in the back seat like, is there somebody yelling in the trunk right now, that's how I picture your Uber. Just people in the backseat like, is there somebody yelling in the trunk right now? Do you hear that thumping? What? No. Music up? Okay. How long ago did you buy the shoes? Good question.

That's a good question, Jamar. Like, mid-2015. What? They're Skechers, man. man they last shout out to sketchers we could tell they're definitely not shape ups yes yes Skechers Skechers push-ups everybody remember those the pop did you go in the store and was like I want these like you Like, you know what I'm saying? No, man. Or did somebody

buy them for you? They're the kids pinball machine of shoes. My dad bought them for me. What? Mike bought these for me. Who? Oh, Mike bought them? Alright, man. Remember? That shit crazy. Previously on Didn't Work.

Most people don't do callbacks to things that didn't work the first time. But I like your style. It's a ballsy maneuver. This guy's ballsy. Literally. I like him too. What do you want to do with comedy?

What's your ultimate goal? To go out and perform it and do it little by know, little by little go up the ladder. That answer matched your shoes. It was really just, me want to perform me. Just get by. It looked like a tire company made them.

Those were bad years. Bad year. That's what he's having. Well, Matthew, fun times. Always a pleasure. I love your style. He got the same shoes Jason Voorhees be wearing. But you don't feel like he's going to catch up to them. You fat.

Nah, it's funny shit. We like your style, Matthew. What is your favorite food, by the way, if you had to pick one? Lasagna. Just off the top of my head, Tony. What is your favorite food, by the way, if you had to pick one? Lasagna. Just off the top of my head, Tony. He's so adorable. A lot of people using the Tony aggressively here tonight. Lasagna, Tony.

Tony. Is that supposed to hurt me or something? No, man. Because it is like 95%. We're just having fun, and it's like, oh, you seem with it. But there is like 5% dread and menace that I genuinely feel where you seem kind of upset, and I know I'm going to die tonight. I'm sorry about that. I had a great time.

We're just having fun. Call us the Ghostbusters because we just roasted the Marshmallow Man. You can call me the N-word. Hey, it's been rough for him since Undertaker threw him off that cage 15 years ago. Matthew Maloney, you did it again. There he goes, Matthew E. Maloney on Twitter. He's the only Matthew E. Maloney there is on Twitter.

You guys are really nailing that one song, Home Tonight. You really have that one down. I feel like you guys are pulling an Eric HRTV24 on me right now. How did you memorize that? What the fuck? No, I didn't. I just looked down at the slips

of paper that I already pulled out. I had to specifically look. Because HR TV 2.4, it's not that catchy. All right. In this game of let's rotate between fat white people and black men, here we go again. Put your hands together for Rasheed Stevens, everybody. Here we go.

Rasheed! Hey. everybody here we go Rashi and hey ain't no lie he was at Marty's really yeah well the she Stevens you just got blacklisted that's what happens when you miss your spot. Lindsay Jennings, everybody. Here she comes.

I smoke a lot of weed. So I have a really terrible short-term memory. I also smoke a lot of weed. People might say that I've used weed as a crutch to be lazy in life. I'd like to think I've used it as a wheelchair. It's much less work and way more efficient. I'm a firm believer that the way you feel is a direct correlation of what you put into your body. So I'm pretty sure that's why I always feel like a dick.

I never want to feel like a vegetable, so I don't consume any of those. A lot of people seem to think because of how I look that I have daddy issues. And I'm like, me and my dad have great sex. Obviously, I don't really fuck my dad, but it sure does end the conversation quick. That's, I thought that was a minute.

It's always funny when people panic at 57 seconds instead of just closing out. There you go. Lindsay Jennings, everybody. Great stuff. I'd say hit the dad issues thing right from the top. You know what I mean? Anything that's really about what you look like,

it's just great to crush right from the beginning because that's what everybody's thinking. They're thinking, does this bitch really have green eyebrows right now? I mean, 100% of the people in the room. Is that for St. Paddy's Day? No, I just alternate, you know, day by day. No, I don't know, by the way.

I can't even fathom that. If you're having a bad day, do you really change your eyebrows to make it look like you're having a bad day? Had a bad day. No, really change your eyebrows to make it look like you're having a bad day? Had a bad day. No. No. I would do that. I mean, if I'm having a bad day, usually I didn't do my eyebrows

and I just look like a crackhead. Right. You don't do your eyebrows so you look like a crackhead? I don't know. A little bit. Like, you know, remember I told you they're very scarce like yours? No, I don't remember that. No, I don't. Yeah. Like blonde, you know? Do I have scarce eyebrows? Yes. A little. No, I don't remember that. No, I don't.

Yeah. Like blonde, you know. Scarce eyebrows? Yes. A little bit, yeah. We all know that. What? I didn't know that was a thing.

Yeah. All right. Well. She's just talking. Shit. But I did that daddy issues. Does anybody have a green Sharpie marker I can use? Dude, we should do your eyebrows right now.

That'd be awesome. You'll really look like the Joker then. That's totally what I want to do. I didn't start with the daddy issues joke because I did it here once before, and I had a bunch of other stuff added to it. So now I have like a different ending. So I wanted to save it for the end and try to do it better, you know, because I was afraid it wasn't going to hit again.

How long have you been doing it? Doing the joke. Oh, the joke. Comedy. How long have you been sexually active? What. How long have you been sexually active? What? How long have you been sexually active? I think 13 years.

13 years. But I've been doing comedy for five months. Nice. Okay. Five months. I thought it was like decent structure, you know, all misdirects. I think, you know, going further, like the more real the stuff is, the better. You know, I thought like it was just the kind of like beginner, you know, simple misdirect jokes.

Well, I'll be giving credit. Am I not allowed to? Isn't that what the show is? I'm sorry. Yeah. Jamar, what are you thinking over here? I see the wheels turning. I would just

quickly say just get better but I want to see your voice more because when I see you we clearly know who you are. You are literally wearing your personality on your sleeves but I want to know more in the jokes because a lot of it

didn't seem real. It's funny that you said that because I literally wrote these jokes yesterday trying to because I'm going to quit smoking weed for 21 days because I haven't not smoked weed for more than a week in over 12 years and I want to figure out who I am without weed

and therefore I came up with weed jokes. There's going to be a lot of green teardrops all around the Hollywood area. I'm still trying to figure your body out. Because I'm like, is it nice? Is it not nice? I look good naked, man. You can Google it.

Hey, hey, hey. Nice! Yes! Which brings me to my next thing. Is this you? Yeah. Nice! I ain't gonna sit up here and act like I ain't never

screenshoted some shit I'm screenshot king damn you're Jamar's wallpaper wouldn't be the first time Lindsay how do you make your money what do you do for work I also work at a weed shop

what the fuck nice so it's gonna be hard to quit at a weed shop. What the fuck? Nice. So it's going to be hard to quit. Yeah. So you're going to keep working there during 21 days of not smoking. Does anybody ever do that? Yeah, there's actually a lot of people

who don't smoke weed in the weed industry and they probably make a lot more money as well. Because they don't get into the product. That's true, Jeremiah. That's true. true like your style you've been doing Santa for about five months you're saying right mm-hmm continuously I see you here regularly is anything anything that you you know anything that you would say to a comedian that's just starting now about something that you've learned in your first five months?

No, because I don't feel like I have any solid advice on comedy for anyone yet. At all? I don't know. I guess just to not care as much because I feel like people made me feel like I wasn't... Like, I don't know. Just try to be yourself, I guess.

And not get tainted by other people's opinions on you. And just follow your heart and follow your dreams and live your life. That's about as shitty of an answer as you could have given me. I mean, really, just the worst possible answer. I really lobbed you up a beach ball there and you just poked it. I told you I didn't have advice.

You're so loud. When you come up, people are going to look at the package, and then it's like they're going to immediately want to decide. That first joke for you is more important than the first joke for a lot of people because this is such a specific, like, this is who I am look. So that first joke is the most important joke you're telling. Thank you for that good advice.

So you're covered in tattoos you have what a Venus flytrap that's from Mario Brothers yeah kinda we took like the shape of the Mario Brothers one and then change the colors and then Edwards is her hands right do you have more Mario things like do you have do you have Mario like all right Are these vampeebles? I picture that green tunnel just coming out of her asshole or something and it's

coming out. Lindsay, are these permanent tattoos? I get asked that way more often than you would think to. No, they're not. Were you once a roadie for bowling for soup? Hey, Lindsay, when's the next Rob Zombie movie coming out? I don't know.

Oh, man. So, Lindsay, anything else that's happened recently or anything you want to talk about, anything at all, stand-up-wise? I don't know. I've been doing the roast battle so that's been really fun i really love that yeah thank you people make people make fun of like how oh i feel like i'm like such an easy target that it's going to be like hard for me to win a lot so i feel like as long as i just have a lot of good comebacks uh the easier the target

the easier it is to win i don't know. People go for the most surface, simple shit, and then you can go for their actual personalities and rip them apart. Yeah. Or if you battle a black guy, you can always just drop an M-bomb on that nigga. But only to pluck his album. Yeah, only to pluck my album. America's nigga, y'all. On that piss.

Lindsey Jennings, everybody. There she is. There she goes. Good job, Lindsey. Off to some roller derby or something like that. Going to put some ladies into the wall. Lindsey Jennings is on Twitter and Instagram at Lindsey Jennings with a Z at the end. She's a really good rapper also.

I don't know if she has her music out there, but you would never think that she's a rapper. You did Rose Battle, huh? What, a condom rapper? What are we talking about here? It's not even that mean. There's no way she uses condoms, guys. Relax.

Doesn't even make sense. Are you D? I don't even know what's going on over there, but are you D? Never mind. Jeremiah, he doesn even know what's going on over there, but are you D? He doesn't know it. Never mind. Jeremiah, he doesn't know what that is. What does it mean? Dude, you're not hip in the birth control game. Yeah, bro. I'm not.

I pulled the name out of the bucket. And I believe it says Joel Day, everyone. So I've never been up in front of an audience before. I'm in town on business. I told the wife I was going to try at this and she looked at me dead in the face and said that's great. Get up and tell a couple of your dad jokes. I said that's not really that sort of a crowd they're not gonna appreciate things like I'm so pumped

that Leo won his first Oscar but I feel bad for Tom Cruise he just always gets overlooked comes up a little short she looks me dead in the face and goes are they gonna expect suicide jokes and I said I don't even know how dad suicide jokes would work, because most people just get choked up over them. And if the crowd turns on you, you're kind of just left there hanging. But the good news is, the good news is the only people who can really be offended by suicide jokes, well, they're

already gone, because they're already gone Because they're dead Thanks. All right, Joel day. This is your first time on stage ever ever really There is the elephant of virginity Joel day, how old's your how's your kid? seven-year-old and a two-year-old. A seven-year-old and a two-year-old. Did you really wear that shirt because you knew you were going to be talking about fathership and all that stuff?

Are you like that kind of a dad? I planned. Dad joke. Star Wars. Everything he's saying is just making it harder to make fun of him. Like, it's my first time on stage. I have children. I go on missionary trips to help starving Africans.

Go ahead. Critique my one minute of comedy. It's okay. We just got word that your seven-year-old and your two-year-old listened to your performance and they killed themselves. You're going to have to lose those dad jokes. It didn't even feel like a...

The whole thing just felt like the inner monologue he was having as he was walking up here. I was wondering what I would say if I went up on stage for the first time. It's all timing. A lot of your jokes, you just ran through. You didn't give the

pauses where we were supposed to... Oh, I see what he said there. You just kept on going. I think if you just do it a couple more times, you'll figure out the timing part. What do you do for work? I work in aerospace. I think if you just do it a couple more times, you'll figure out the timing part. Yeah, what do you do for work? I work in aerospace. Whoa, what do you do? Engineering. Oh, you've got a smart guy.

This is my thing. Why would you... Is there an emotional reason that you would want your first time to be recorded? Wouldn't you want to just fail quietly for You would want your first time to be recorded. Wouldn't you want to just fail quietly for a while?

Are you a fan of the show? Absolutely, yeah. Damn right you are. So did you just do comedy to do this, or is this something you eventually want to make money at? I strictly did this just to try it. That's so cool. I love that.

That is awesome. I love that. I admire what you guys do. That is so cool. It takes real balls That is awesome. I love that. I admire what you guys do. That is so cool. It takes real balls for a guy that looks like a young Ted Cruz to come up here and really give a speech about as funny as one of Ted Cruz's for 60 seconds. It's like the head you see in the barbershop when they're asking you which styles to pick from. I'll take the number three, please. 50s racist, please.

So your kids kill themselves? I'm kind of with Mike. I couldn't really say anything bad about him because it's like his first time. It's like, you know how somebody come out and thank their mama on Apollo before they sing the song so you can't really boo them because their mama dead and shit? That's why I can't. It's for that same reason. I don't understand that analogy, Jamal.

I'm a little high. Joel Day. So you have a seven-year-old and a two-year-old. You work in aerospace, so you're making decent money, right? Got a pretty thick engagement, a pretty thick marriage ring on your finger there. Pretty girthy. Jeremiah, what do you got? Jamar might be

the blackest person I know because he's the only person I know who carries around a 40 of water. Hey, hey, hey. That joke was so dope, it's already my joke. Damn. I need to check out the albums. The comeback was, I'm just stealing that now.

No, no, no. I already say that. Do you think you're going to do this again? Do you think you're going to continue to try? Did you like it? I'm from Portland, so the scene is... Awesome there. Portland's awesome.

It gets a little... All they do is encourage people's false dreams in Portland. It's a city built on false encouragement. Yeah, it's literally probably like the fourth or fifth biggest comedy market. No, I mean, it's good when people come, but, you know, you get the crowd and it's the same rain jokes, dad jokes, if you will. I don't know about that. A lot of really good comedians from Portland.

Did that just really happen? Did you just throw a chicken tender to that hot chick and she ate it? What kind of crazy world do we live in? Now the whole room smells like chicken. Jamar's running around. You can't see if you're listening to the podcast, but Jamar is

now on all fours backing his ass up to the mic stand because of the smell. I literally want to see Jamar and Joel act out a Trump protest fight. When you bought those shoes, how long ago did you buy those shoes? And did you walk into the store and was like,

let me have those shoes. Hi, my name is Joel and I would like to acquire those shoes, please. These are Oregon shoes. You could just rationalize anything on being from Oregon, huh? Pretty much. Two plus two is five.

I mean, that's Oregon math. We don't know shit. We're idiots. They just say keen on them. I don't know. I'm sorry. Anything exciting about your seven-year-old? Boy or girl?

Boy. What's he turning out like? It's good. Pretty straightforward. I was going to come up and tell the jokes about them, but the wife, she kiboshed that. She said, if you go up, nah. Fair enough.

Your wife is live streaming right now. kibosh that. She said, if you go up, nah. Fair enough. This is where your wife is live streaming right now. I believe she's singing the kids to bed. And then she's going to chloroform the entire family. This is one of those situations. Are they back in Portland right now?

Yeah. Vancouver. We're across the river. Oh, wait a second. They hate us in Portland. 420 in Vancouver. Did you just shift allegiances to Canada? Cheaper taxes. You really live in Vancouver now? No, Washington.

Vancouver, Washington. Just across the river. Oh, Vancouver, Washington. We're like struggling to riff on a completely reasonable man. I'm white. Man, you really broke down the walls on that one, Pat. Not going to lie.

That is exactly what we're doing. He's like if the auto industry was a person. It's been rough for me the past few years, but now I'm just trying to get back up there. Well, there you go. Joel, thanks for taking part in it. Thanks for being a fan of the show. Joel Day.

I love that. It's one of the cool things that fans of the show get to come on and give it a try and realize that the people that they thought they were going to be better than are so much better than them. It's a real reality hits hard when you're like, what if that guy fucking sucked? I could do this shit.

Next thing you know, your kids are growing up without a father. He's on Twitter at Artichoke Jones. That's a fun Twitter handle. Yeah, it is nice. I always wondered who got Artichoke Jones. I like it. Turns out it was Joel Day. Let's a fun Twitter handle. Yeah, it is nice. I always wondered who got ArgaChokeJones. I like it. Turns out it was Joel Day. Let's get to our two regulars, and then if we have time left,

we're going to pull one more name out of the bucket. But let's get right to it. These are two comedians we're going to bring up right now. They each do a brand new minute every single week. Their positions are locked in. We had two regulars for over 100 episodes before. Now these two are being built every single week strategically in this room. Comedian by comedian.

Guest by guest. Every single week something different. New material. Put your hands together for your first regular. You know her because she's a Kill Tony regular. One of the newest comedians in the game. Always nervous. Always fun. It's the one and only Melissa Esslinger everybody. Here she is. Thanks.

I've been coloring a lot lately. I was at this sanctuary park thing in the Palisades. I was sitting on a dock and I was coloring and this lady and her son walked up and she was like, sanctuary park thing in the Palisades. I was sitting on a dock, and I was coloring, and this lady and her son walked up, and she was like, oh, look, she's drawing. And then they got a little closer,

and she was like, oh, she's coloring. And I looked up, and I was like, I like trains. They left me alone. I got my piece back. But while I've been coloring, I've been watching Hulu a lot lately, so I've been coloring while I watch Hulu. I started noticing that the commercials

seem to be tailored for kids all of a sudden since I bought my coloring book. There was a milk commercial, and it's not even for a specific brand. This is just a fact for you to know that it there was a milk commercial and it's not even like for a specific brand this is just a fact for you to know that it's just a milk commercial but there's also i saw a subway commercial and they did change their slogan finally however i think they missed the point because they went from eat fresh to fresh it's what we do melissa esslinger fuck yeah i love all that stuff in the beginning

about coloring and everything it's great you do seem like you would do that I believe it the entire time I think the train joke is great I think that all matches your personality and everything that's awesome great stuff that's fun you're really coloring huh I can tell that it's real

you want to see my hands? oh I took a shower never mind that really throws everything off so I can tell that it's real. You want to see my hands? No, I don't. Oh, I took a shower. Never mind. Oh. That really throws everything off. So coloring. What kind of coloring books do you have? They're like, you know, abstract designs and stuff. I don't even know what that means.

They're stress coloring books for adults from Michaels. So yet another thing that comes from Portland, Oregon. Wait, wait, that's really a thing? Did you get to rest in Trader Joe's? What? Did you get to rest in Trader Joe's? No. That's where I got mine. They're called adult stress coloring books? Stress relieving or something like that.

Or like they have a mindfulness book. Let's stick on the coloring book here for a second. Jamar, you're into this whole thing? Yeah. It's nice. It's really therapeutic, man. It is.

Are there people in the things that you color? I pulled my coloring book out at a bar once, and I got three other people coloring with me. Let me pull up the picture. That's not where you thought that was going, but that's where it should go. That's so weird. Yeah, that's fun.

I'm pretty sure Lindsay Jennings will let you color on her. It's interesting that they haven't done it. She would color with me. You really do. That's cool. Jamar really has colored. Hell yeah.

And I thought it was just for girls that got molested that color. Nope, niggas have got molested too. I can't believe you're into coloring, Jamar. You found a way to make the word molested not the most harsh part of a sentence. That's real talent. I never would have guessed that someone as tough as you busts out crayons and gets

into the... So when people call you the colored guy from now on, it's pretty much totally... I knew it was coming and I let it happen. I just sat here while it happened. Had to do it. There you go, Melissa Esslinger.

Brand new minute of Melissa Esslinger. It's crazy. It's happening. That was a really good set of hers. I'm so happy about that. A few weeks in a row she's been on a hot streak, but we can't say that out loud or else she'll be lazy next week. Your other regular. So fun.

Again, these ladies, not only are they killing it regularly, but it can also be found on the brand new Kill Tony poster. Put your hands together for your other regular, Vanessa Johnston, everybody. Hey, guys. Hi. Hey.

My friend set me up on a blind date with an old rich white dude who has daughters the same age as me for tickets to a basketball game and I was like no I'm not going to go and she was like please take one for the team and I was like listen I will take them all from the team but not from a

pedophile so I get to the restaurant because I convinced myself this is not a date this is charity and we're at master's take house and I'm a vegan and we're sitting across from each other he starts making like conversation he was like this restaurant so great right i was like yeah the hostesses they have great tits and he was like what i'm like yeah i just want to touch them you know what i mean he was like no i have daughters i was like all right so you probably just touch theirs that's a minute right 57? 57 seconds. Vanessa Johnston. Kill Tony!

Oh, God, that's my favorite thing of all time. So, Vanessa, yeah, Mike Lawrence. No, I... Because I saw you last week, and both stories felt very similar to me where it's like someone being mean to you and then you get this comeback at them i want to see a joke where you're the asshole like that's typically my style but but it hasn't been like it's just like these people are being dicks to you i want to i mean and i know i've only seen two minutes but like i just feel

like that's something that you want to be very mindful of yeah that even when you're making fun of other people and you're attacking the old guy make fun of yourself too right okay the story sounds real is it real yeah it's two separate stories merged so like i actually was set up on a date but that was a while ago because i have a dude now but two separate stories it sounds like the opening to a movie two separate stories um yeah so and then she's rip chilling and then and then the uh the mass like the so you probably just touched your daughter's book that was happened at work i said that to the ceo of my company just because my brain works that way but i just like i keep talking about my job so i'm not gonna keep talking about my job you know what i mean ceo laugh at that yeah because he has a good sense of humor

was it in front of other people oh yeah i was from the whole company because he was like he was like yeah he's like masters is a the whole company. Because he was like, yeah, he's like, Masters is a great restaurant, right? And then I was like, oh, yeah, they have great tits. And he was like, what? And I was like, I just want to talk to him. He was like, I have daughters. And I was like, all right, you probably just touched theirs. And then the whole office was like.

That's kind of creepy, though. I mean, like, if any of us would have said that, we would have all got fired immediately. Yeah, I know. I got a raise, actually. I found out today. Yeah, his raise. Oh, Jeremiah with the act out. If there's any five-year-olds with Down syndrome in the audience,

Jeremiah's act out will describe to you what Red Band meant by a raise. I'm surprised that Red Band doesn't have a boing boing boner sound effect. He has an entire app of just those. I do. I actually have a boing boing boing boing. Well, now it's not fun that it's loading. Yeah, it was all right. It's just buffering any second now.

One more time with that dick act out. There you go. Well, that's fun, though. I got a brand new minute. It was cool. It was like one hour. There you go. Well, that's fun, though. What? That was a brand new minute. It was cool. It was like, whatever. I love it. Repping the Death Squad shirt.

Vanessa Johnston. That's so cool. Another new minute. Thanks, guys. So much fun. Crush it. Vanessa Johnston. She's on Twitter and Instagram at Vanessa Johnstoo with two O's at the end.

Melissa Esslinger. Is that Melissa Esslinger? You guys want to get one more out of the bucket or what? Here we go. Crazy shit happens. It happens. Fat bearded guy. All the time.

Fat bearded guy. Anything can happen. I think we're due for something crazy. So I'm excited to see. Anything can happen, guys. Did anyone point out the two fucking investment bankers in the front row? Yeah, wait. Are you guys buying the show after this? You guys making an offer?

They're gonna go up to the guy and be like hi we work for Interscope Records we love that tax song we relate to it on so many levels. We're gonna make you a star. Yeah that is by the way new comics that is how sad show business is that that's the guy that would get the

offer. Right. The fucking tax guy with the shitty song? Let's do it. Put your hands together for Sam Buck. Holy shit. That sounds like a scary name. Sam Buck. This guy's going to be big.

Sam Butch. B-U-C-H. Are you here? Here he comes. 60 seconds of Sam Butch. I wish I was homeless. I really do. They're the freest people in the world.

They don't have families or professions or taxes to worry about. They also have the best job in the world. They get to sit on the ground outside and people give them money. The scarier, uglier, and dirtier you are, the more money you get. They can also do anything in the world. Should I sleep on this bench or scare people on that bus? The world is filled with wonders. people on that bus. The world is filled with wonders. There's only one reason

I wish I wasn't homeless and that is I can masturbate in the privacy of my home without it being a federal crime. Think about it. If a homeless person masturbates, they get two years in prison for public indecency. How are

homeless people supposed to get out without getting off? Thank you. Sam Buck, everybody. Sam, welcome to the show. How's it going? Where are you from? I'm from Boston. That's fun. I think it was great that you took on a very deserving target in the homeless. You know, I don't use the word hero much, but I mean. I'm guessing your parents have a lot of money,

right? No. What do you do for work? I'm a student. What are you studying? Film and new media studies. Yeah, so you're gonna be homeless someday. Exactly. I also want to do stand-up, so I'm right on the right path. I love that. Is it Buck

or Butch? Buck. B-U-C-K. I just have bad handwriting. B-U-C-K. There he goes. Sam Buck, everybody. We're out of time. He's on Twitter.

It's Sam C. Buck. Straight out of Boston. Ryan J. Ebel's drawing right there of tonight's episode. He drew that during the episode by the new Kill Tony poster. Starting tomorrow at RyanJEBelt.com. It goes live tomorrow morning. ryanjebelt.com. You can have the first ever Kill Tony merch.

Live audience, we did it. Pat Reagan's on Twitter. Patty Reagan. Jeremiah Watkins. Jeremiah's stand-up. Reagan and Watkins. And we got a show this Friday at the Hollywood Improv Lab, 10 p.m. It's called Sticky Sweet Juju Butter.

Love it. Love it. Josh Martin's on Twitter at JoshMartinComic. He makes it all possible. Jamie Vernon at Jamie Vernon. Jamar Niebuhr. Yeah. Get his album.

HerbalViolence.tv. What else, Jamar? America's Naked KKK. And that's it. Mike Lawrence. I wrote on this season of Inside Amy Schumer that'll premiere April 21st on Comedy Central

and I wrote on the Triumph special that's on Hulu now. Boom. Writing for the funniest stuff that's out there right now. Mike Lawrence, we love you. He's on Twitter at TheMikeLawrence. I'm Tony Hinchcliffe, Red Band. I'm Brian Red Band. See ya. Live audience, thank you. Have a great night. We did it. We did it. I'm running this so hard Red, red wine It's up to you

All I can do out there Memories won't go Memories won't go Miracles of Love Miracles of Love you