KILL TONY - KILL TONY #155

Episode Date: May 25, 2016

Deon Cole, Benji Aflalo, Josh Martin, Jeremiah Watkins, Melissa Eslinger, Pat Regan, Vanessa Johnston, Brian Redban - Date: 05/02/2016 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to Kill Tony here at DeathSquad.tv. Don't forget to subscribe to Kill Tony on iTunes. Just search the iTunes store for Kill Tony, hit subscribe, and rate and review the show. Ryan J. Ebelt has the Kill Tony movie poster and every single print that he has painted and drawn at every single episode of Kill Tony. He has prints and posters. Everything can be found at ryanjebelt.com. Tony Hinchcliffe's website, tonyhinchcliffe.com, has all his tour dates and all his merchandise.

Don't forget to check out tonyhinchcliffe.com. He's got 1,000 different tour dates right now, so you have to go to his website to see where he will be next. And last but not least, don't forget to go to his website to see where he will be next and last but not least don't forget to go to shop squad.tv that's where all the death squad merchandise is and if you want to see any of our other tour dates death squad.tv click on tour dates and there you have everything that we do here at death squad not only are we in the main room now of uh the comedy every Monday for Kill Tony. That starts at 8 o'clock. We have Tuesday.

We have Roast Battle, which is a verbal violence podcast here at Death Squad. And then every first and third Friday, we are at the Ice House in Pasadena, California. Also, this is just added. I will be at Denver Comedy Works June 9th. So check out June 9th, Denver Comedy Works. All right, guys. Here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Brad Pitt.

Coming to you live from the world's famous comedy store for a brand new episode of Kill Tony, Volume 3. Give it up for Tony Hinchcliffe. Wow. Hello, everyone. I'm in two seats here. Yeah, that's a nice little mellow Monday. Hi, everybody.

Make some noise for yourselves for being here. We're on the number one live podcast in the world. It's true. That's just a fact. So many fun team members here. Part of the show. Greg Ryan, J.E. Belt, the house artist. Draws every single episode.

He has a blank sheet of paper right now. He's already started as of right now. The hand is moving. Drawing tonight's episode. Jamie Vernon, the one and the only. Back on the HD camera. Young Jamie. Coming out with his own merch.

Jamie.com. He's got a lot of cool awesome photography. He also has taken almost every guest from the Joe Rogan experience and edited this poster together. It has like hundreds and hundreds of people. It's awesome. Speaking of amazing posters, brings me right back to Ryan J. Ebel, who made the one

and only, the official piece of Kill Tony merch, the Kill Tony poster that I have hanging up in my living room. You can get that at ryangbel.com. And look at this. I got something really cool today. This is a custom-made Kill Tony lunchbox. Do you see that, Ryan? This is carved out of fucking cedar. It's got Darth Vader and me and the Iron Patriot.

And that was made by a guy named Adam, I do believe. And his Twitter handle is Ganjaleer. So thank you, Adam, for this amazing hand-carved lunchbox. Nice leather handle. Fans bring me handmade lunchboxes, you know. What are you going to put in that? Are you going to put some bug plugs, a Hitachi? Hey, well, already to the butt jokes with Brian Redman.

Expect more of that in the next hour and a half. Hey, Tony, we've got a big secret show here Wednesday with Joe Rogan and a bunch of cool guests this Wednesday here at the Comedy Store. Tony's on it. Stand-up comedy. It's a great stand-up comedy show. You can catch me and Rogan and you and so many fun people this Wednesday. catch me and Rogan and you and so many fun people this Wednesday. You can catch this show, Kill Tony,

for those of you listening to the podcast right now and live on Ustream. We're going to Nashville, Tennessee. We're doing Kill Tony there May 22nd in front of a sold-out Zany's and I'll tell you right now, our guest that night is Ralphie May. So how about that? Go fuck yourself. He's from Nashville. He lives in Nashville.

He basically owns Nashville. He doesn't do Zanyies in Nashville, but he's doing it on Kill Tony at the Wild West Comedy Festival May 22nd. So much shit going on. Just a few more things I'm gonna say. Seattle, Washington. Something like that.

Chicago, Illinois. Something like that. Buffalo. Fucking shit. Wilbur Theater, October 8 8th I think it is and that's it so go see me live near your city or whatever the fuck there you go I have to say this at the beginning of the podcast because it changes my career

you understand it's insane how many tickets I sell on the road anyway so now that we're through that let's get the fucking show started I guess this is going to be how we do it. This is not my idea, but I guess they're just going to not come out until I reintroduce them every week. What are you talking about?

Our band is unbelievable. If you ask me, it has brought a breath of fresh air into this show. It's one of my favorite things, my chemistry with these guys. York Kill Tony Band, the one, one the only it's Reagan and Watkins Fuck yeah People aren't even clapping at that No applause whatsoever I can tell you guys to wake up, huh? Is that how it's gonna start?

Man Wow, what a... How's it gonna start? Man. Wow. What a... Oh. Woo! Fuck yeah! All right. Okay.

So there's that part. So we got that part out of the way, too. That's good. You're treating us like we're the special needs. No, you're treating yourselves like that. I'm pretty sure Umbrella came out like three years ago, but you guys are doing it like it's the new hot shit. Three years is a blink in the eye.

Three years is just a blink of an eye. It's all perspective. Wow. That was on Now. That's what I call Music 27. Trying to stay topical here. Put your hands together for Reagan and Watkins, ladies and gentlemen.

For you podcast listeners, they came out with Umbrellas. I'm sorry, one more time. For you podcast listeners, they came out with umbrellas. And I'm sorry, one more time. What's the drummer's name again? Joel. Joel. Joel Jimenez on the drums, by the way, everybody. Come on.

That'd be a good part to like. Yeah. There you go. It's like a little, you know, sometimes you got to coach these guys. Pat, how's life? Jeremiah, how's it going? It's going a little, you know, sometimes you've got to coach these guys. Pat, how's life? Jeremiah, how's it going? It's going well, Tony. I'm curious.

How are you doing? I'm doing great. I feel really good. I'm very excited about things, and I'm excited about tonight's guest. Do you think we should just jump right into it? I think we should do. All right, everybody. Every single week, me and all these goofballs up here,

we talk to comedians after they do an uninterrupted 60 seconds, and every week I have two of the funniest human beings on the planet be the guests and sit in on the show. This week's no different. Two of the funniest humans in the world. It's the great Dion Cole and Benji Aflalo. Oh. Yes.

Oh, shit. Here they are, two of the funniest guys in the world. Oh, by the way, I forgot to mention, next week's Kill Tony is in the main room of the Comedy Store, ladies and gentlemen. Beta test. Next week. Yeah. Oh, the week after next week.

Okay, two weeks from now. Josh just stopped me from across the room. Is that true? I thought it was next week. Are you sure? What's the date on that? The 23rd. Alright. I got a little excited there. Welcome to the show, guys.

Dion, this is your first time on Kill Tony I love you, welcome, you're in the new Barbershop movie Which I'm excited about Oh shit One of my favorite humans We made a pilot together about a year ago That we just cracked up making So it wasn't that far off

Sort of from what this show is I think that's why they had me on Because the guy that was making that had seen me on this show before. Yeah, but basically, me and you were making fun of open mic comedians. Yeah, we was all up at the top of the ceiling of that really creepy place. Yeah, it looked like

people got murdered in there or something. What was that place called? I think it was called Murder People. What's that Spanish place that's down... El Cid. El Cid. El Cid, yeah. Shady as fuck. I've done a people. What's that Spanish place that's down? El Cid. El Cid. El Cid. Oh, my God. Shady as fuck. I've done a lot of shows there.

Benji, the ghost of Flawless. Some people say one of the top roast writers in the world. I'm one of those people. And fuck, I'm one of the top roast writers in the world, so I think I would know. Benji is a bad motherfucker. You've been on the show a few times. You loved taking the souls of young comics. I'm pretty bad.

But Dion is chewing gum with a toothpick in his mouth. I'm pretty bad. I would go cross-eyed and eat the toothpick. So I give all the credit to this guy. That is pretty bad. Just black shit. That's not black shit. It's black shit.

You're being skilled. I'm going to call it black shit. Don't reduce it to your race. You're very skilled. No, I'm pulling on the card. No, it's not black shit. I'm going to call it black shit. Don't reduce it to your race. You're very skilled. It's super black. They give you a piece of gum and a toothpick as soon as you book a barbershop movie. That's a weird half ass laugh in this room tonight. Not a lot of energy

in this room tonight. Can you guys make noise one more time? See how loud we can get it. It's a very half energy, right? We've had a few loud weeks in a row. These people seem like, I mean, there's some real touristy fucks in here tonight. What's going on? It's a little bit, this is like two goody two-shoes of a room for me.

I feel like all the industry people came on one night. What's this? Yeah, well, nobody clapping and shit. I was listening to the guy. Yeah, it was weird. I was like, oh, fuck. Normally, it's been insane. There's some junior agents here tonight.

Reagan and Watkins? Junior agents. Hilarious. Reagan and Watkins sounds like a white trash law firm. Reagan and Watkins, Esquire. Yeah, because there's no Jew names in it. It's just like Reagan and Watkins. That's not the lawyers I want. We're so white trash, it's not even Esquire Yeah Cause there's no like Jew names in it Just like Reagan and Watkins That's not

Those aren't the lawyers I want We're so white trash It's not even Esquire It's just Esquire Reagan and Watkins Esquire Is that the name of the band? Yeah that's Reagan and Watkins Oh

Okay A lot of fault into that Benji Aflalo introduced me to goat milk And it changed my life You know what Benji Aflalo also introduced me to goat milk and it changed my life you know what Benji Aflalo also introduced me to goat milk and it is blatantly a superior milk I will tell all you guys

if you ever if you ever drink milk it's the best milk it's superior milk it gives you energy I didn't hear that Tony it's good for digestion all the stuff that regular milk It gives you energy. What? Yeah, good. I didn't hear that, Tony. It's good for digestion.

All, like, the... Milk gives you wings? Yeah, like, all the stuff that regular milk has, goat milk has even more of it. It has no lactose. Like, think about it. If you are what you eat, would you rather be a cow or, like, a goat eating mattresses climbing mountains?

This is so great to me. You'd rather be a goat, not some standstill cow that just... Some miserable, slow animal. I was waiting for that from you goofballs. Oh, there it is. Help. There they are.

Oh, man. Goat, that's fun. Yeah. All right, so... I can't wait to go on Slauson. What's that? The hood. And tell everybody about goat milk.

Oh, just for the record, do not buy your goat milk on Slauson. That's not the goat milk I'm talking about. You got bootleg DVDs and then goat milk? What the fuck is this? There's gonna be one black dude to do that. That's in every movie, too.

Speaking of milk and Slauson, which I don't think I've ever said those words before, but have you ever heard of pet milk before? Pet milk? I'm learning so much tonight. I actually learned about this from Tiffany Haddish, who is the dark queen of slossin'. Yeah, she works there. And she was telling me that uh that in the hood that at those kinds of stores and stuff they sell this stuff called pet milk that's like cheaper super

cheaper than regular milk and it comes in a can and it just says pet milk and that that's the type of milk instead of sending instead of giving the pets like actual like good milk this is some kind of like good milk i thought it was just milk from other pets instead of cows. I thought it was the most amazing thing. I kept asking her questions about it for, like, 20 minutes. I was deeply into this pet milk thing. Oh, fuck with that. All right, you guys ready to do this shit or what?

This is Kill Tony where we pull a name out of the bucket and you get an uninterrupted 60 seconds. We don't talk at all when they're doing their time. But as soon as that 60 seconds is up, we can talk with you about anything in the world. Comedians, you know your 60 seconds is up when you hear the sound of a kitty. Aw, did you hear that? Let's get that one more time.

What's that little kitty at? There you go. Okay. That must have been... Alright. You gotta wrap it up then at your 60 seconds or else you're gonna bring out the Angry West Hollywood Bear. Ah! Fuck! Shit!

Okay. Hopefully only one of those things happens when somebody runs their time. There really hasn't been much bear lately. Have you noticed that? No, people have been sticking to their time. There's really, you know, there's nothing that happens if that bear happens other than the bear happening. And I'm surprised more

people don't push it to the limit more often. Tony, people have been doing less time. I want all the comedians to know that it feels like court up here right now. Yeah. So hopefully you do good. If not, keep that in mind Except there's order in a court

This is crazy Is Benji your public defender? Yeah he is I don't even gonna say shit I'm just gonna play with my toothpick I wish my lawyer Wore a tie If I wear a tie, then my defendant

looks more guilty for wearing a hoodie. So I had to dress down a little bit. Don't play kite games with me. I'll beat you every time. I had to get my defendant off. It's true. Benji is Jewish as fuck. Hilarious. Well, shall we? Are you guys ready for this?

It's Kill Tony. Here we fucking go. We're going to watch somebody do comedy right now. It's about to go down. And the name that I pulled out is Brian Riley. What's going on, everybody? Hey, I'm from Kansas. Took me forever to figure out how to get out of Kansas. It wasn't until I was 25 that I took five hits of acid and chased down a tornado.

And got sucked off an Oz. You have to get out of Oz. You know, you have to melt the Tin Man, burn the Scarecrow, shoot the lion, slap Dorothy, kick Toto, and kill some witches. And I was at the witches. You know, the first witch was easy to kill. House just falls on her when you get there. Like, Kansas' hood, guys, they will drop a house on your ass. Like, out here, like Tupac, they'll just shoot you. We will drop a

house. That's gangster. Like, out here, it's buds and crips. Where I come from it's cornfield and wheat field thugs, guys. Kids out there just cornfield cripping. It's scary. Children of the Corn is a documentary out there, I promise you. They had to kill the second witch. Everybody here knows how to kill the second witch. You have to fuck her.

She gets wet and she dies, guys. One, two, three, four. Fuck yeah. Is there more to that? Thank you. Is there more to that? Yeah, there's another witch, I think. There's another witch from that movie that came out in 1940.

I love that. Brian Reilly, where are you from? Kansas. Wait. Brian's from Kansas? Yeah. Hey, Jeremiah, where are you from? Kansas. Wait, Brian's from Kansas? Hey Jeremiah, where are you from? I'm from Kansas. What?

I plug my nose only for a moment then the moment's gone all this steam passes through my ass of curiosity

far to the wind All I smell are farts in the wind There you go. So Kansas, huh? Yeah, Kansas. Wow. So we know what word never to say again on this show. My apologies.

My apologies. Fuck. Brian,. My apologies. Fuck. Brian, I love it. You just visiting L.A. or do you live here now? No, I'm down in San Diego. I'm just up here for work right now for a few weeks. What do you do for work? Biotechnology.

What is it? Biotech. What do you do exactly? It's fancy. We have some Drew Carey stand-in. You sell kneecaps and stuff. I manufacture peptides. Peptides?

Amino acids combined. Yeah, those are important. Are you all gacked up on amino acids right now? Right now, yeah. Really? Yeah. Because that's good for you. I've been looking into that stuff.

When you exercise, you get amino acids, right, Tony? Yeah. Or you could just make friends with this guy and you're just going to feel good all the time. Pretty much. What do they do to you? It opens up your serotonin receptors and dopamine levels. I was going to say, what the fuck is going on? Am I correct?

Among many things. And your metabolism. Amino acids are like the most important things. It's a goat milk thing. Actually, I bet goat milk is probably pretty high on amino acids. I would bet anything on this. There's all kinds of amino acids. What do yours do?

Is he right? Just a host of different things. We just manufacture them. We're a third-party manufacturer for different drug companies. They're absolute bullshit. He couldn't give me a straight answer. What are you talking about? He's also the host of Price is Right, right?

Whoa. Let's see how many Drew Carey references we can get off on this guy. Hey, so I'm surprised you're here without Mimi. Hey, yeah, you're dating that fat lady with the big glasses. Oh, that's the TV show. Hey, come on. Can we talk about your jeans? I'm not even a fashion person.

When and where are those jeans from? Kansas. 2002 Kansas, probably. They're my work jeans. I just got off work. Headed up here. So that's what you dress like for work. Yeah.

Is that like a 9 to 5? You wear a lab coat over it, but yeah. You wear a lab coat. This is some real Walter White shit that's going on here. Okay, so, and I know you fucking know this too, okay? Okay. How many cuffs did you go in the sleeves? Like when you went?

You went three? Yeah. I knew you knew. You're right. Four is too many. I'm just saying, I just knew you knew. Welcome to I Knew You Knew with Deion Cole. Three. Three. It was three. I was like, okay. I to I Knew You Knew. How long have you been on Cole? Three.

Three. It was three. I was like, okay. I saw five, but three is cool. How long have you been doing stand-up? About a year and a half. And you've been doing most of it in Kansas? All in San Diego.

I've been in San Diego for a while. Oh, okay. I'm just from Kansas. Right. From where? No. No. San Diego.

You have a San Diego song? I bet not. I know how many songs you guys have over there Kansas was the first new one I've seen in months Anyway Hey, we're preparing one new minute a week, Tony Just like everybody else I love that

Are you married? No, single Alright How's the dream, man? How's the pussy sitch in San Diego? It's good. I'm at the beach, so it's good. It's good.

Yeah? Acidity? Do you ever get some amino acid? Do you ever get your dick burned by amino acid? Oh, okay. Wait, I have another question. This is serious. Have you been engaged?

No. What's the longest relationship you've been in? Four years. When was that? 2002 to 2006. Same. 2002 is a big year for genes and relationships. Very good, Jeremiah. You were on that. This guy's on it over here.

Be honest. Have you ever bossed a pussy? No. Wait, for our podcast listeners, what was that one? I bartend, too. I don't have to buy pussy. Oh, there's the answer that I was looking for. You bartend sometimes. Yeah, I bartend on the weekends.

Oh, okay. Where are you bartending at? Down in Vista. Down in Vista. And that's where you can pick up some real fucking monsters, am I right? I live at the beach, too. Can you give us an example? Like the last time you got late, how did that

go down? He dropped a few amino acids in the drink. Yeah. I was back in San Diego, hit up Girl Friday Night. Cheetahs. What did you guys do? Hooked up at her house and I went to work. Damn, it's just like nothing for you.

Yeah, I'm a bartender. I love that. You're a bartender. If you can't get laid as a bartender, I don't know what's wrong with you. Yeah, that's just like nothing for you. Yeah, I'm a bartender. I love that. You're a bartender. Okay. If you can't get laid as a bartender, I don't know what's wrong with you. Yeah, that's true. That is true. Who knows? Do girls wear your, like, scientist coat after sex, like all sexes?

Yeah. If I do it right, they do. Nice. If I do it right? You mean if you make them cum? Is that what you mean? Is that not doing it right? Yeah, that's doing it right. How else do you doing it right? Yeah, that's doing it right.

How else do you do it right? Yeah, make them cum. Yeah, you just do that. Okay. Sex, guys. We all have it. Do you have any secret tricks that you do in the bedroom on the ladies? Like anything that you'd be, you know.

You just have to go down on them, that's all. Really? How long on every actually? Yeah, it's that simple, isn't it? Just go down on them and they love it. Do you keep your glasses on? That's a great question, Dion. If they're hot enough, you put contacts in.

You put contacts in just to go down on them. If they're hot enough. Excuse me, baby. So you go, wait a minute, bitch. So you go, wait a minute, bitch. The amount of time between putting... You say you have to go to the bathroom to put in like a minute, boom, boom, they're in. Boom, boom, they're in. This guy just pokes his own eyes out.

Looks like he's been through a war zone after eating some pussy. Not the first time. Boom, boom, you're in. That's hilarious. Wow. I imagine him doing it with the glasses, and then they fog up, and then he has to do the cartoon thing where he pops up, and he goes, and then goes right back to town.

What's the longest you think you've ever spent downtown on a girl at once? That's a great question. 40, 45 minutes, probably. What is it? 45 minutes. 45 minutes. 45. Okay, you know what?

I've never done this before, but I'm going to fire off the exact same question to my good friends Reagan and Watkins over there. Longest amount of time that you've spent down on a girl at once. One, and there's no breaks. You've got to keep your tongue moving. Does it have to be a girl? Very good. In that case, it was each other before the show.

Thank you, Jeremiah. Thank you for asking that question. 15 minutes. Whoa, you shady motherfucker. 15 minutes? Probably half hour. That's the longest? Probably. No, but you're talking no breaks.

No breaks to come up and kiss the neck. Wait, you go up to the neck and then back down again? Are you kidding? Yeah. Look at you. This guy will go back to second base. Big play. That's true.

He's rounding third. And wait a second. Wait a second. He's going back to second base. Hey, Jeremiah. Watch out. We've never seen this in baseball history. For no reason, he's running the other direction.

The umpires don't know what to do right now. That's the greatest sound. I tell you every week, that's the best sound effect. If I hear that a couple more times tonight, I would not be furious. You know, I leave the room, come back, spit on my hand. Then we're back. Take off

your glasses, switch out. it's true brian with this contact glasses thing you're doing some real mr rogers shit in the bedroom like the fact that you're like changing styles um anyway so after 45 minutes if she gets upset he can be like sorry i lost the contact i've just been looking for it the whole time with my tongue. Dude, my mom does that shit. When you go down on your body? No, no. It's not sexual. It's not sexual. We're just talking about contact problems.

And my mom's got them. She still wears hard contacts, which I don't know if you know. Hard contacts? Those are the kinds that people don't wear anymore. People wear soft, floppy contacts. But people used to wear them. She still had a glass joint. That's actually the medical term for those soft, floppy contacts.

She had a glass joint? She wears the glass contacts. Every day she's like, I got sucked in my contacts. She's driving and texting my dad. Special Mother's Day shout-out to Pat Reagan's mom with her glass contacts. That's when you know

that she's really disappointed in her son's art. No way! At any point having shards of glass go through her eyeballs. just like that's when you know that she's really disappointed in her son's art no is when she would risk at any point having shards of glass go through her eyeballs she's like I got nothing to see here all my kids fucked up the two have nothing to do with each other

does she still have an SBC global account was that a new bit that you were doing or was this something that you were just trying on the show? Is this Wizard of Oz thing? It was just something that I just kind of, I didn't figure I'd get picked. I've been here like seven times. I've never got calls.

I love that. So just a little something that you're working on. Yeah. You can tag it up. I like how it's story. You definitely have the whole thing with the witches and stuff. Why do you have to fuck the second witch? I don't get that.

I'm a little confused. You're saying you hook up. She gets wet and she dies, and that's a fun way to get a chick wet. Yeah. Ah! You could just throw in your cum on her or something, I guess. Yeah. Okay.

Yeah. Brian, I don't think you're listening to the same show that we are. Wow. Okay. Yeah, it's definitely doing some Wizard of Oz shit there. Hey, Tony. Yeah. Why do you think you got into stand-up?

That's a good question. Because if you live in the Midwest and you can't get married, you're like, fuck this. I got to do stand-up, I guess. How old are you? 41. I love that. How many spots do you do like a week about fall part? I probably get up six, seven times a week down in San Diego.

Wow. You do that many spots in San Diego. Yeah. And I hear so many people in LA complaining that they can't get spots. By getting up, are you talking about going down on girls? No.

I love that your own drummer just threw you under the rim shot bus, by the way. Patank, that sucked. Brian, tell us one last thing. Tell us just something interesting that you think is a cool fun fact about Brian Riley. I have a degree in marine biology. In marine biology.

What's the coolest fun fact about the ocean and ocean life or whatever that you could tell us that you think we don't know? Ctenophores eat themselves to eat. Whoa, what are those? They're hungry and a big fish. Those little things over in the Mediterranean, like little jellyfish, they'll consume part of themselves to eat. A, what are those? Little things over the Mediterranean, like little jellyfish? They'll consume part of themselves to eat? A jellyfish? Tina Fours?

Tina Fey? Tina Fey, yeah. She will eat herself to survive. That's crazy. Hey, I have a question. That's what happened to her face. I have a question. NBC never hired me for shit.

Bing bong bong. Do you think people have spirit animals? Sure. never hired me for shit. Bing bong bong. Do you think people have spirit animals? Sure. So what spirit animal are you and what spirit animal was the poor woman? We've had a lot of good questions here tonight

and then there was that one. Thank you. What's your... Wow. Brian just replaced the drummer. Jeez Louise. Sorry buddy. You know what? I strike it from the record. There you go. Brian, it was so nice to meet you.

Anything else for Brian guys? Any parting words? Benji, what do you think about this guy? I think you should get cool new pants dude. You seem like a cool guy. Can I tell you something? Can I tell you something? He's absolutely fucking right. You have a job for a living. You're living in San Diego.

You're bartending. Let me tell you something. You go into a fucking J.Crew or some store where there's like, where the clothes actually fit people. You go in there. You find the cutest girl. You will go right up to her and you say, hey, you see the jeans I'm wearing. I need help. I gotta look good. I got a few hundred bucks. None with the

pager holder on the side. That's for a hammer. That's for like kids to hold on to their dad at the amusement park. Marine biologists could get like high grade pussy, but those jeans are holding you back. You're getting like I work at SeaWorld Pussy right now.

And that's why you're just stuck going down on girls deep sea fucking diving for 45 minutes. It's a bad life. You could go down on girls with bifocals on if you just dress better. If you get better jeans, then the chicks will want to fuck you so you won't be down there for 45 minutes. You'll get them warmed up and then they fucking grab you by your glasses and yank you up and then you're fucking. I understand. I say keep your fucking jeans on because you're working behind the bar

anyway. They're not going to see your pants because you're making drinks motherfucker. For the record his jeans are much cooler than yours. Why are you looking at me like you don't understand motherfucker? You work behind the bar. They ain't going to see your pants anyway, right? I was absorbing the knowledge you were dropping.

Oh, yeah. Well, wear an apron because you're behind the bar and shit, right? Yeah, you wear an apron. Yeah, or, you know. Or a lab coat. Put some, any, whatever that shit. You got to get better jeans. I don't have better jeans next time. Those are really bad. Those are blatantly bad jeans.

And you know what? Sometimes it takes like an intervention for people to realize. But don't go too skinny. I'm going to go and throw away 17 pairs of jeans at the house now. He can't go too skinny, though. Most people from Kansas that have issues with their jeans, it's because their parents fucked each other. But your

gene issues are something totally different. Not cool, man. Not cool. There he goes. Brian Riley, everybody. Brian Riley's on Twitter at Brian Riley Comic. So you can follow him on Twitter You found him right here, live On Kill Tony Year and a half in the game from San Diego

Going hard every week At the age of 41, Brian Reilly I love stories like that I love people just fucking doing it for the love of the game He's got a real job, could be doing anything Bartending, meeting people at night And he's still taking chances. So many people get into stand-up,

you know? Yeah, so many people get into stand-up. Very good observation, Pat. Back to the bucket we go. We know this young lady. She's been doing this show since we started almost three years ago. I just pulled her name out of the bucket. It's Sarah Kenny everybody you guys know that saying liar liar pants on fire like the way that it came about is

because if you get caught in a really big lie what you should do is set yourself on fire. Because nobody will even remember that you lied. They'll just be thinking about how you're on fire. It's like a super good distraction. So Hillary Clinton, she gets a lot of flack from the media, and a lot of her fans attribute it to the fact that she's a woman.

They're like, oh, well, they're just being sexist. Which is really encouraging for me as a comedian, because if my joke fails, I can be like, well, it's because I'm a woman. And you guys are all just really sexist. That's why you didn't laugh at that. And I'm not going to vote for someone just because she has a vagina. But I would vote for Hillary Clinton if she had two vaginas.

Because that's pretty unique. So this guy asked me if I wanted to go clubbing. And I was like, you know what? I'm a little bit old to be killing seals. Some adorable jokes in there. Some really cute jokes. Little cutie jokes in that one. Who's got the little cutie jokes?

That first joke, you could almost have an example, like have a lie. Like as an example, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. You could go more onto that one. But that was great. I liked the first one. That would be a good idea. What was the second to last one before the clubbing one? The Hillary Clinton.

Right, yeah. So, like, what would that be? How do you picture her two vaginas? When you say it. Two pussies. One for Bill and one for, like, somebody else. But are they side by side or are they lengthwise? I don't know.

Maybe those details are funny, though. Because the idea of Hillary Clinton having two pussies is kind of funny. Right. Then if you get into where, where is the other one? It's so kind of funny that you just mention a premise and you get a chuckle off of it, and then you move on right afterwards. You say, that would be unique, and then you move on. And, yeah, we know that, but it seems like that's a bigger setup to something else. I mean, Pat hit it immediately, one's a bigger setup to something else i mean pat you know hit it

immediately you know one for bill one for something like you gotta if you're gonna go with a premise like that you know you can really drag it out and figure out what would she do with these two it'd be like a ringtone yeah like one for your husband and then one well i mean there's one for bill and then the other one's for Bill because he loves fucking everything. I mean, you know, one's for Bill, one's for Trump. Because they have chemistry. Like, I wonder if they fucked. Okie dokie.

This is a show that teaches you that young comedians can go for it at any time. And it doesn't always work. Sometimes it's the people that get pulled out of the bucket. And sometimes... Maybe there's something in that, like... I just have to address. Sometimes you get too mean, Tony. And then, like, the audience doesn't know how to respond.

I don't know. Before the show, Tony tells everyone, don't be mean, guys. That's not that kind of show. That's not true. That's not true kind of show. That's not true. That's not true. I'm just saying, we haven't hit a groove with this audience yet. I don't know what's happening, but we got to clear the air and get this thing on board.

You know what I'm saying? You think it's because how many people by running the bus? No, no, no, no, no. I'm not saying that. Oh, you're stopping me here, huh? Is that what's going on? I'm just saying. You're stopping me?

I'm sorry. Shut down, Mike Five. No, no, no, no. Shut it down. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Tony. Shut it down. Tony, I'm sorry.

Shut it down. Now, you want to play power games? No, I don't. Who's being mean now, huh? You are, Tony. You are. Turn up their microphone. Turn it back up.

We didn't actually ever turn anything down. No, I did. Okay. So Sarah Kennedy, your dad got shot? Wow, that's super accurate. Sarah, let's talk about your life for a second. You've been doing stand-up in Los Angeles for how long? So two and a half years in L.A.,

and then I did a year in Chicago before coming to L.A. Oh, Chicago. Dion has level three excitement for Chicago. Good time. He doesn't have a Chicago. Good time. He doesn't have a Chicago song, though. But I did. You responded not even like you've been there, like you've had a good deep dish once before, Dion.

That one slice was enough. Oh, yeah, you guys have a song about Chicago, you pieces of shit? You got one about Kansas. I do. You should, by the way, Jeremiah. It's an all-horns band. You don't about Kansas. You should, by the way, Jeremiah. It's an all horns band. You don't have any Chicago shit?

Next week. Count on that. So you did it in Chicago. You've done it in LA. I love Chicago, by the way. Recently, I did a show in Iceland a couple weeks ago. Oh, really? Yeah.

It was actually pretty cool. I bet it was. Useable. It's back on! And they're back. Look at that. Just like a spark plug. Reagan and Watkins are back to absolute confidence over there.

I thought you were going to say absolute mediocrity. I was just thinking that. Sarah, so Iceland, what was that like? Well, if you really want stage time, there's only like five comedians in the whole country.

You didn't use quotes with the comedians, so they're actually people that actually do comedy. They consider themselves comedians, but they're trying. I bet that trying. I bet that seal clubbing joke must really annihilate

that, right? Oh, we have those. I actually didn't do that one there. I kind of wish I would have. Wow. Geez. You guys know

how much a polar bear weighs? Enough to break the ice. Iceland. Oh, God, wow. Wow, that's bad on so many levels. Moving on. Was that your impression of a Native American?

Yes, it was, absolutely. Wow, that voice is like the most racist thing I've ever heard. Hey! racist thing I've ever heard. Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!! Hey! I'm a good Guys, panel, did you guys see the clubbing seals joke coming from a mile away as soon as she said it? I've seen it. Really?

Okay. Well, that's good to know. I didn't know if that was. I've just seen when you was like, yeah, this guy asked me to go clubbing. And I was like, okay. You knew it was going to be a killing seal joke? Yeah. I thought he punched you.

Just the only reason. Actually, I kind of like that better. Yeah, I thought you was getting punched. You're like, somebody you getting punched Actually I kind of like that better Yeah I thought she was getting punched You're like somebody's getting punched Whether it be a CEO or me I thought it was you Okay well that's good to know Let's talk about your real life

You've been doing stand up comedy for a couple years How do you make your money again? I'm a programmer You're a computer programmer Do you do websites and shit? I don't do web development. I do artificial intelligence stuff. Welcome to our damn Deon Cole.

I know. Everybody's like, oh, can you do my website? Do you work with a lot of other people? Oh, damn. Oh, damn. Do you work in a big office with a lot of people? It's not that big. So I work for USC.

The college. Yeah, it's pretty chill. It's like a small group, and I can work from home a lot. It's like the ideal environment. Any black people work there? A couple. Not many. Not many.

Oh, dang. Not many. Immediate breaking of eye contact. In my group. I said, that's's gonna be a new show oh damn oh damn oh dion we're out of milk again oh damn oh shit we're making miracles happen to be fair not many women either like we're low on black people we're low on women like it's a very Asian and male white dominated tech.

Do you have any Native Americans there? You silly shit. He's really pushing that Native American. You don't look Native American. You're like Elizabeth Warren. Like, oh, I'm one 18th Native American. All right, Sarah, over here. Sorry.

So, you've been doing that for a living. Can you tell us something fun about you? Like, something that you do for fun? Like, you go out at night? Is there a hobby that you have or something? Skydiving? This is my hobby. I mean, I like nature and shit.

That's a terrible answer. I like nature and shit. Did someone say nature and shit? I went to Iceland to go hiking and, you know. Why Iceland, though? Of all the places, why Iceland? I mean, was that like a $29 Southwest flight?

No, it was like a jump on. My friend was already planning the trip, and I was like, I always wanted to go there. Fuck it, I'm just going to do it. What kind of friend? What are we talking about here? She's one of my best friends, like from Chicago. She's just like, I'm going to go to Iceland.

Yeah, she likes to travel all over. Dion, you had a question? Did you book it with kayak? Okay, okay. Can we put this Indian character away? There's something that's sort of, I'm going to be honest, there's something that's sort of like

freaking me out about it. I have a weird gut feeling, I'm not even kidding, that for some reason some Native American is going to hear that and be offended and put some spell on my podcast or something. I think it's more weird that we had a guy up here that was like, I work in biotech, but also I'm a bartender. How did nobody think that was an odd combination of things to be? Biotech is a pretty high-paying field.

Why would you choose to sell to me? To socialize, Sarah. That's what we're trying to figure out about you. What do you do to hang out with people? This is it. Other than this. Because this isn't it. How many comedians try to sleep with you?

Well, I've gotten pretty good at putting my deflectors on. But how many? Of a ratio of male comedians that you meet. How many? Where is it harder to avoid guys trying to sleep with you? In comedy or at a nerdy computer programming thing? Comedy. Really?

Comedy. Because the nerds don't have game and the comedians do. Well, because I'm in an environment where people are drinking and socializing so it's a little bit more... Do the nerds ever try to fuck you, like the computer people? Sometimes, yeah. What have they said? What's a good nerd pick-up line at work?

What's a good nerd pick-up line? I mean, there aren't any good nerds. Has anybody ever tried to help you with your jokes in order to get some ass? I've had people try to give me input on my jokes. If they were trying to get laid, that was a bad approach. Dion just blew up the number one comedian get laid technique.

Is that a real thing? Let me help you with your shit. What do we mean for shit? No, it's not a real thing. No, I just want to better your shit for you. No, no, no. No, I just want to better your shit for you. No, no, no. I got punchlines. What are you doing with your hands?

You're freaking me out. What's happening? I don't know. That means almost some bullshit. It's almost like... Alright. But I have had comedians ask for input,

and I could tell it was their way of trying to connect. Get some ass. This guy was like, what did you think of my teabagging joke? And it was so awful that I was like, oh, I don't think I heard. I think I was in the bathroom. He's like, no, you weren't. I'm going to go back to a question from earlier. What is a nerd pickup line,

and what did a nerd have to say in some way to get you to hang out with them? You want to check out my MS DOS. It wasn't a joke. Well, the biggest way a nerd really tried to hit on me was we'd all been out at a work event and we were all drinking and I said,

you're really drunk, you probably shouldn't drive, you can sleep on my couch if you want, which was already probably a big mistake. Sleep on my couch? You've been drinking too much. Apparently that was code for now I'm going to... All of a sudden you wake up and your laptop's on and you're like,

why is my laptop on? All of a sudden I make it clear we're not going to sleep together and he's like, you know what? I think I'm sober enough to drive home and get out of here. That's so funny. That was the most that someone tried to infiltrate. See, there's almost something, there's almost a great joke in that, in how you can sober, you know,

sober a friend up by totally rejecting them. All of a sudden, somebody who was way too drunk to drive was just okie dokie. Right, right. Rejection is better than strong coffee. Oh, I'm not getting laid? I have to drive home immediately. All right, well.

Isn't that great, though? Some comedians, I like to hear other people's stories and shit. That's one of my favorite things. I like jokes, but I like to hear your perspective on real shit. Like, it would be very interesting to hear your life with all different kind of men coming at you and how sweet you are

and how you deflect that shit. You know what I'm saying? Like what you just said right there, by far, about him being like, okie dokie, I'm out of here. Like, that's so much funnier than the other stuff that you talked about I've been saying this lately and you guys can all take this is that

you know writing writing writing it's so important and I've been in the writers guild and writing continuously for half a decade and stand up for nine years but one thing that I've learned recently that I've told some of my closest friends is that the best writing is really just noticing when shit's right in front of you. And that's all it is. It's just noticing. It's taking that snapshot at the right time. I was hanging out with my buddy Pete,

one of my very good friends, PDC, one of my best pals in the back alley last week, and our phones make a bunch of noise. And I go, I go, wow, why are our phones beeping? And he goes, it's an Amber Alert. And I go, wow, why are our phones beeping? And he goes, it's an Amber Alert. And I go, isn't it crazy that we live in a time where technology is so powerful that you can be made aware

that somebody in the area has been abducted via your phone? And he goes, you know, there's a way you can shut that off. And immediately, you know, like some people would be like, oh, really, how? Or how do you know like some people would be like oh really how or how do you know that or whatever but instead me I just see dollar signs just literally just a new four minute chunk

now that you know what I mean that all has to do with exactly that and then I go into it more and what a piece of shit he is and all that stuff here's how you can shut it off and turn on indifference but my point is you know know, it's like, just like with that story, your best joke probably already happened to you

and you just haven't put it in words yet, in format. No, I never even thought to use that. And Dion's right. More of that stuff. Right in that alley, right in that vein, you can totally connect some dots there and get some really good stuff out of it. Because you do have this, like,

innocent, nice girl perspective and you deflecting these guys down is something that people would find interesting. It's funny. And because you're getting it from guys in comedy and guys in programming, it's almost like you need two vaginas. Wow!

Mwing, mwing, mwing, mwing, mwing, mwing, mwing. Sarah, you have been one of the most picked out of the bucket guests in Kill Tony history. That's all I ever wanted. It's always fun watching new stuff and talking to you about it. Always exciting. Sarah Kenny, ladies and gentlemen. There she goes.

She's on Twitter at SKennyComedy. All one word. SKennyComedy. SkinnyComedy. This is fun. I always ask first-time guests this question, Dion. Was there ever anything that you did stand-up comedy-wise when you very first started

that you can't believe that you did on stage? Like, a bit or something that you did that, like, looking back on it, you're sort of embarrassed by? Like, we saw a guy earlier, you know, Brian, who's been doing this a year and a half. You know what I mean? Was there anything when you first started? I used to be

a comedian. That's what I hated. I know it sounds weird, but I hated that shit. Yeah, when I first started, I went on stage and I was like, hey, how's everybody doing? Hey, great. Give it up for yourselves. All right. Today, I was like, hey, how's everybody doing? Hey, great. Give it up for yourselves. All right.

Today I was looking for a parking space and that whole shit. I used to always get off stage. How long did it take you to get over that? One day I got super high and I forgot my jokes.

So I went on stage with a piece of paper and read my jokes and motherfuckers was, I slayed. Because motherfuckers thought it was so funny that I couldn't remember my jokes. And I was just like, this is crazy.

Like everybody was losing their minds. So then I just started getting high every day. Wow. In one of the most beautiful... I always get a great answer out of that question. I always get a great answer out of that question. And here we are. Back to the bucket we go.

I've asked you that before, right, Benji? You're on the record on one of those. Do you remember that? Really? Is there anything that pops in your mind? How would you answer that? The microphone. I think I did a lot of racist stuff early on.

And I still think racist jokes are good. But when you're like, you've got to be a good comedian to make racist jokes work. And so when you're young doing racist jokes, like when I look at some of the stuff I was saying, I was just like, that is some awful shit. But, you know, you see the comedians you like, and funny comedians are good at making racism funny and making it work and making it smart. So I'd say the most embarrassing stuff is just

sort of like the racist shit that was just not original. Let's go back to some of Benji's early racist material here. Let's look at that. Let's take a look at his Twitter. How badly I wish we had Michael Richards queued up right now. What's interesting, Benji, you went through like an angry Benji phase.

Do you still do that? I stopped doing angry Benji, but I think I'm going to bring angry Benji back. Yeah, please do. We love angry Benji. Angry Benji. Benji's doing his same material, which is like, you know, about Frappuccinos and white privilege stuff.

Frappuccinos is white trash, and they have like 800 calories. But he screams it with anger, kind of like a Joe Rogan or something. It works. It's just like the anger mixed with the... Brian thinks Frappuccinos are fancy. White privilege? Maybe Frappuccinos are fancy yeah white privilege maybe

you know he talks about the big life like Lamborghinis and Frappuccino you know what I mean penthouse on Westwood Boulevard all his materials kind of like like kind of like you know being like rich and coming up from a good place you know Benji's spoiled he's got a Maserati and eats a wiener schnitzel every day. I can't relate to this at all because all that stuff sounds really nice to me. This is pure white trash. You're figuring it out, Jeremiah.

Oh, shit. It's true. I had a frappuccino with my wiener schnitzel today. I don't see what's wrong with any of this. I pulled another name out of the bucket. This looks like a new name. Put your hands together for Scott James. Oh, yeah.

Woo-hoo. Yeah. Woo-hoo. Thank you, guys. I recently had a birthday, and my mom got me a very useless kit. She got me this Ancestry.com thing. And it's a kit that's got some paperwork that you fill out, and then you spit into this vial and you mail it off.

And then they analyze your DNA and tell you where all your genetic makeup is and where all your ancestors come from. And why would my mom get me that? Should she not already know this? Right? Does that make sense? Is this her way of saying that, like, dad's in question? Right?

Like, I brought my results back, and I was like, mom, turns out I'm 16% Mexican. She goes, Cancun, spring break, 1980. It makes sense. That's it. That's it. I love it. Scott James. Fuck yeah. I like your style.

You're like Ryan Seacrest with a lesser work ethic. That's very accurate. How long have you been on stand-up? I've been doing it about five years. Five years. Where at? St. Louis. There's one person from St. Louis. St. Louis. Fuck yeah. Oh, there's one person from St. Louis. St. Louis.

St. Louis, level one for that one. And you live out here? No, I'm just visiting. That's fun. What are you in town visiting for? Just a vacation? Just hanging out. I love that. Trying to do this as much as I can, but also like I have a lot of friends for whatever reason.

Whoa. Mr. Popularity. Hey. No, no, no. Watch out. Well, he left the town I lived in, so I'm not that popular. He's good. What's that?

Don't talk to him after the show. He's good. Right. Yeah. You're too many friends. No new friends. No new friends. No new friends. You got a wedding ring on.

Did you come here with your wife? No. You just left her in St. Louis? Wow. Her and a child. Looks like you're not popular with someone right now then. Nothing? Yeah, you got it.

You got it. That's pretty good. Why do you look like you were surprised about him saying you had a wedding ring on. He kind of waited like, oh, did I have the stock? I think it's because there's six different people talking and then sound effects coming out of left field.

Blowing his mind right now. It's real disorienting. It's a lot to go on at once. So how many bodies have you killed? I always think people with big jackets on are murderers. I'm not going to say a lot. I'm not going to say a lot. Like, what's the average? I'd say average.

Average? Average. How guilty did you feel about Ferguson? Don't look at the black guy. Look at me. Look at me. Don't look. That's like barely St. Louis.

It's like the outskirts. We don't own that shit. You don't talk about those people over there, right? No, funny, my day job, I do floors for a living, and I was working on the Ferguson. What do you mean you do floors? I do carpet and tile and shit like that. And we were working on the Ferguson communities that are like the week that shit happened. I have nothing to do with that place.

I just work there and make the income that supports my wife and family. I only made the floors that these people bled out on. Yeah. Slipping on the blood. That's what that sound effect was. Slipping on the victim blood.

There it is for you. For those of you that missed it, there's some more pure evil. How do you leave your wife and kid in St. Louis and be like, I'm going to head to the horriest city in the country. I left real early in the morning. Hilarious. No, she actually, this was kind of her idea. She told you to go out there and make it.

You need to get out of the house. She's a good woman. Not enough of those, huh? Good women. You just said she was a good woman? Yeah. She's very supportive of my dream. I love that.

That's good shit. Yeah, I think so. Did she ever help out with the flooring stuff? I tried to have her once because it was not a big enough, like, rolls of carpet are hard to get up flights of stairs. And she wanted to help me on a job once. And I was like, yeah, sure. You can lift as much as I can. Why not?

Yeah. And these were like 30-foot rolls of carpet. And she's eight months pregnant at the time. No, she, yeah. Was this a hopeful abortion method where you're like, I got this. Here, I'll take the top. It's heavier up here. It was a three-story house.

I had my fingers crossed the whole time. Do you run your material by her first? Some of it. We're talking about the carpeting. Oh, the carpeting materials? No. Do you run it by her? Jokes and shit?

Yeah. Every now and then. That's the kind of rule. If she's in one of the jokes, I have to run up by her to see if it's too, like if it hits too below the belt, I guess. She's a plain little white girl? She's only, yeah. What does she do for work?

She's a bartender. Oh. When you... What the fuck? Oh, yeah. I've seen this one before. Very trustworthy bartender. Yeah, very trustworthy, I bet.

Hey, babe, I'll be home at 5 a.m. Why don't you go to L.A. for a bit? Everything's going to be fine. She's so supportive. It was actually her idea. Cut to her just black cocks everywhere. Just, oh, fuck. This is not good.

She's getting fucked on a carpet. She's like, my husband installed this. And, uh... Yo, don't listen to them. But what bar is it, though? Are you going to really make the trip to St. Louis? He's headlining there in a couple months. Yeah, I'm going down there in a couple months.

Your wife's probably going to tell you that maybe you should come out to LA. Dion can probably help you get some spots here that weekend. You know, just help you with your material. The hands. Help you out with your material. What are you doing with your hands? I don't know. It's amazing.

It just feels right. It's conniving. Wow, that whole rant was all from him just saying his wife was a bartender. You guys are like, opportunity. That is the show. That's how we do it. Scott, tell us something else interesting about you. It's not a lot.

You're very comfortable on stage. Ridiculously comfortable. I don't know. Is your neck all right? Am I holding it weird? Because your head's been cocked askew the whole time. Because I'm looking over here. I should utilize the mirror.

If I'm looking this way. There's something called being cool. Heard of it? Whoa, Jeremiah, dude. Ever heard of it? I'm a cool guy. You know what I'm saying? I'm nice and smooth. I'm here to do some stand-up,

but how else do I put this? I have a lot of friends here. I have a lot of friends. I don't know how else to say it. I don't know what other words I would use other than a lot of people like me. Excuse me, my phone's blowing up right now. You're not hearing it in your head. You're hearing it out loud.

I just said it. Hey, I'm your friend, all right? I believe that to be true. So what's the name of the bar? I told you he got a big jacket on. He gonna murder y'all. He does. Who's watching your kid while your wife's bartending?

Tyrone. Jesus Christ. Let me call Ty. Where you at? What up, nigga? Where you at? What up, nigga? Where you at? You in St. Louis? How old's the kid?

She's 12. Old enough. Don't lean on me. Do not lean on me to save your... Get out of here. Get out of here, lady. Get off me. Get out of here.

Only buttons for you for 60 seconds. Red band. Red band. Red band. Only buttons, you hear me? And shut down mic six. All right. That's good, because five was last time.

I know. I know. Okay. So, all right, Scott. We're going to pull somebody else out of the bucket. It was nice to meet you. Welcome to Los Angeles. Thank you.

Great stuff. He's a very cool guy. He's very cool. I bet he doesn't really have any friends, by the way, and he's just always wanted to say that. You know what I mean? Man, the only friends he has is on Netflix. Yay! I bet he doesn't really have any friends, by the way, and he's just always wanted to say that. You know what I mean? Man, the only friends he has is on Netflix.

Yeah! Wow. How? How? What the fuck happened? How the fuck did that just happen? Tony, what just happened? That was amazing. What?

Did you guys text each other or something? Jeremiah. That was crazy. This guy's leaving me for fucking Red Band. It's going to be Red Band and Watkins. Yeah, I know. Oh, shit. That was very impressive, guys.

I don't know what you did there, but I'd like to see a little more of that more often, please. And my 60 seconds is up, and I have the mic again. Oh, and he's back out. Wow, he saved it. I should silence you more often. That was crazy. That was crazy. That was some weird synergy shit.

Like, that could be, like, a killer gif. As Tony looks right to camera. That could be a killer gif. As Tony looks right to camera. That could be a killer gif. I pulled another name out of the bucket. It is Johanna Petrie. Woo! Check yourself before you wreck yourself. Check yourself. Hey Feels good to be up on a stage

That doesn't have a pole Yeah So I've been dating, but guys always ask the worst questions. Like, what do you do? If this all works out, you're going to be supporting me anyway. But I ask guys questions too you know last guy before I would even meet him I asked him straight out

how big is your dick he said it's as big as the baby's arm I said alright how old is the baby? Alright, you guys. I guess I'm close to a minute. Yeah, 59 seconds.

Joanna Petrie. I'm in love with a stripper. She riding, she grinding, that ballin'. She mindin' her kids and I'm in love with a stripper. Fuck yeah, Joanna Petrie. You gotta bother the girl, she mean the heart. Okie dokie, Joanna Petrie.

Wow, where do we begin there? I love that baby arm joke. That's pretty cool. Dude, it's crazy. Go on. I wondered what happened to the serial killer Eileen Wuornos from the movie Will Monster. She was put to death in 1993

in Texas. Were you a stripper in the past? I could tell, right? You're standing like Voltron. Or something like that. Oh my god, you're right. She is standing like a stripper.

That's pretty amazing. That just never leaves you, huh? Oh my god, you're right. She is standing like a stripper. That's pretty amazing. Without the heels. That just never leaves you, huh? Once you're used to it, you just... There is something to that. That's an interesting observation. You're such a slime ball for noticing that. Now this is interesting.

I'm guessing that your stripper name was what? Lavender? Lavender to the stage. Lavender. She only wears multiple shades of lavender Is Petri really your last name? Like the Petri Sticks? In relation to a toothpick?

Like a Petri dish? Like disgusting and growing bacteria? Like what you find on a lap dance booth In a strip club? Petri Sticks? What's the most you made in a night? Those are tea trees Those are tea trees, Brian.

Never mind. You can say never mind like it'll be erased from our memory. Well, you guys missed this, right? What happened? Tell me. He just said what's the most you made in a night and she said a car. Oh, wow. Hey, what kind of car?

You know what I'm saying? Are we talking about a fucking... You went above and beyond, right? What kind of car? You know what I'm saying? Are we talking about a fucking... So you went above and beyond, right? What kind of car? Well, he didn't buy the whole car. I just got a down payment. He gave you the tire first? Please, will you settle down, Brian?

Will you settle down? This is very compelling. No, he didn't give her the tire first. Stick with me here. So he gave you a down payment. Yeah. He said, do you want it in your name or my name? I said I want it in my name. Yeah, but you don't want to

pay those fucking taxes, so you fucked up there. Should have put it in his name. Did you default? No, I kept the car. I had it for a long time. What kind of car? It was a Lexus. Oh my god. That's weird because strippers hate Lexuses. I dumped him.

You dumped him how I dumped him. You dumped him how long after he made the down payment? Like a month. Wow. And that was the worst move. I dumped him for another guy, for a boyfriend, which was the stupidest move. He said, I would have bought you a car in a heartbeat. He never bought me anything.

He was the worst. True love. I broke up with the guy that was buying me shit for a boyfriend. It was the stupidest thing ever. You know how many Lexuses love got me? Zero. Yeah, that's what I want. I want to be comforted and have somebody to talk to. My fucking ass, Lexus.

Lexus to the front stage. I love that. You're a funny fucking person. You're like brutally honest. I like that. So would you be willing to tell us a little bit of what maybe went down that first night when the car got brought up? Do you remember what song's playing?

Well, what happened was... Well, what happened was... Oh, Jeremiah, you're about to get a Honda if you keep this up. So this is what it sounded like. You're in the back room sucking this guy off. I love that you have a sound effect to put stripper walls in between music. That is what it would sound like. I'm just going to let this ring for a little bit for the podcast listeners.

Hey, baby, so what kind of car are you seeing me do? So are you more of an Acura or a Lexus? Well, my stage name's Lexus, so I might as well be Alexis. Hey, who opened the door? Close the door! Close the door! Hey! We're in here!

I'm about to buy this bitch a car! You got 15 minutes. Alexis, to the front stage! Oh, I've got to go. I've got to go. Oh, my God. This is the greatest show of all time. Yeah, I said it.

I said it. Who would have thought that me and Brian would get really good at this after three years of doing this every Monday. Johanna, you are adorable. I love the fact that you're honest and you have this real swagger to you, completely fearless. I'll fucks with you.

Do you care about men's feelings? I like men. I didn't answer the question. Well, like their feelings. Welcome to You Didn't Answer the Question with Benji Aflalo. Like as a human being. Yeah, but if they send me a dick pic or something and I go, ooh, that's gross, you're disgusting,

then they're like, you hurt my feelings. And I'm like, I didn't hurt your feelings. You're disgusting. You don't like dick pics. It has to be solicited. Who told you you was funny? A friend or a client? No, nobody told me I was funny. He used the C word.

People laughed and I thought, oh, this is fun. I'll keep doing it. How long have you been on stand-up? Almost four years. Where are you from? Modesto, originally. Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

You're doing great for Modesto. Yeah, totally. One might even say you're the Mobesto from Modesto. I mean, that one that would say that would have to be, you know, a genius writer and comedic performer. Hey, is that genius in the Writer's Guild, Tony? What performer. Hey, is that genius in the Writer's Guild, Tony? What? I said, is that genius in the Writer's Guild?

Oh, yeah. Sometimes even I forget. Yes, yes, he is in the Writer's Guild. I don't even think about it. After five years being in it, you don't really think about it that much, even though I think I mentioned it earlier. If you go to the Modesto Craigslist page and look for notable people, it's 80% strippers. That's Modesto. Who goes there? You go to the back page. Why would you go to the Modesto Craigslist page and look for notable people, it's 80% strippers.

That's Modesto. Who goes there? You go to the back page. Why would you go to Craigslist? What was your stripper name? Cynthia. Cynthia? Cynthia?

Cynthia. What? That sounds like a librarian. What were you, like a secretary? Here she is. Here we go. St. Malachy's School going to bring Cynthia up to the stage. Seemed like the kind of lady that would wear hard contacts.

Is that true? Do you wear solid contacts? No, no contacts. When they brought you to the stage, they were like, she makes one hell of a meatloaf. Cynthia! Joke of the night right there. Goodbye.

It's not going to get that good again. That's amazing. Make some mean meatloaf. Do you know how to make meatloaf? No. Yeah, that's a lie. That's the first time you've lied up here to me. Put your finger in and turn.

I don't like meat. I don't like meat. You don't like meat? You're a vegetarian? Pretty much, yeah. Right. In like meat? You're a vegetarian? Pretty much, yeah. In terms of what you're looking for in men now, it seems like it used to be guys who could make a down payment on a Lexus.

Is that still what you're looking for? No, it used to be guys with a six-pack abs and a big dick. Now it's more the guy with the Lexus. Right. Now it's the guy that's just fat and gluttonous but with a checkbook. Wait a minute. There are men out here with six packs and big dicks?

Wow. A few. Wow. What's the biggest dick you've had? Lexington Steel. Are you serious? You fucked him? Just for a short time.

Get the fuck out of here. For a short time. You fucked him? Get the fuck out of here! For a short time! You fucked him? It was just for a short time. It was like a challenge. You fucked Lexington Steel? No, bring up Lexington, motherfucker. Google Lexington Steel.

I'm surprised. You don't have to look it up. It's your wallpaper, Brian. Yo! His dick is audience right now. You don't have to look it up. It's your wallpaper, Brian. Yo, his dick is up here now. That's it. This is Lexington Steel's dick. Wait a second. So how does this... You're saying not for a long time.

I don't know what that means. Okay, because my friend invited me. Ew! It didn't look... That's a bad photo. Oh, my goodness. That's a bad photo. That shit goodness. That's a bad photo. If he put that in you,

that shit had to come out your mouth. That's not even his dick. If you Google Lexington Steele's dick, it's actually a snake that looks like a dick. You need another computer. Was the agreement that he'd have to put a down payment down on your broken pussy's medical expenses?

Oh. No, it was a challenge. It was a challenge. What do you mean it was a challenge? My friend invited me to this orgy type of situation. Whoa. Yeah, go on. But it was Lexington Steel and two of his buddy porn star guys.

I see that in the reflection of the mirror. Jesus Christ. Okay, Brian. Brian, stop it. This is a distraction. Oh, no. This is bad podcast. No, Redman.

Don't make it bigger, Brian. Redman, no. Redman. Redman, no. All right. Redman, I can't stop looking! Brian, turn it off. I can't stop looking, Redman!

Take that off the screen. Anyway. Whoa, get it off me. I want to hear the story because this is a podcast. Can we do it with her holding this? No, no, no. I had a short turn with Lexington. She'll end up slicing off her head.

Very short turn with Lexington. And my friend had tipped him off and said Johanna likes really dirty talk dirty to her. So he starts talking this slave stuff. Can you give us an example of what

he said? Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh my god. Like we're on the plantation. All this stuff is... Oh my god. Fuck yeah, Dion Unchained Holy shit

Damn my dick heart right now Shit Fuck Anyway, he starts talking the slave stuff Johanna, you have to give us an example of what he said You must have some recollection We're on the plantation and he's my slave I want you to say it like he said it to you in your ear

Dion, can she say the N-word for this? I'm not going to say nothing, but I'm going to make a few phone calls. Johanna, please. Okay, but then he starts switching it to, you're my white bitch. Then I got offended, and I stopped. I want to know the slave stuff. If I was talking dirty to you, I'd be like, I want you to wear earth tones. Oh. Anyway. Can you.

Red Van might know his. Oh, shit. He called. He called. Jean-Claude Batiste was his friend. Okay. We're not going to. Another porn star. I don't need to know.

But anyway. All right. I just switched back to the original one because I didn't like the white bitch comment. You didn't like that? No. So that offended you? You were invited to an orgy and that's where the line is drawn. You show up for the orgy.

Yeah. You show up for the orgy. You take a 19-inch black cock inside of you. But he calls you a bitch. He calls you a white bitch and that's... Excuse me, I didn't know this was this kind of orgy.

She's like taking multiple dicks. She's like, I'm a feminist! Wait, what? Just pulling dicks out of everywhere. I did not know that this dicks out of everywhere. I did not know that this was this kind of party.

Oh, shit. Get the fuck out of here. Johanna, Johanna, Johanna. I love this show. I love that this is being broadcast, but it's kind of embarrassing. You guys have to be talking about this. Look how funny it is. Look how it's moving the room. This is being broadcast. But it's kind of embarrassing. Well, this is all stuff that you have to be talking about. This is what, look how funny it is. Look how it's moving the room.

This is what I try to do with people when they're up here, is I try to figure out what the fuck is interesting about them. And we just found out, you know, there's a lot interesting about you. Thank you. Is there anything you want to plug before you leave, other than your pussy and your asshole. I just want to make a public service announcement. I need your phone number.

Public service announcement. If you your phone number. Public service announcement. If you're doing interracial sex, the black person is the only one that's allowed to bring up any of that slave talk. The white person cannot initiate that. Oh, wait. You think you're teaching us something right now? Yeah. Johanna, with that, please sign up again.

Will you please come back and do this show again? You are cool as fuck. Johanna Petrie, ladies and gentlemen. Her very first time on Kill Tony. I fucks with her. You know what? Something to be learned from that, people. If you answer the questions honestly instead of trying to be funny,

a bunch of crazy shit can always happen. Everybody always wants to answer funny and make it a high-pressure situation. She's just telling the fucking truth about her life. She can take that and write shit herself. That's exactly what I'm saying. Just like earlier with Sarah, you know, you got to notice sometimes what you've experienced in life and how fucking compelling that shit is. That was amazing. Everybody knows who Lexington Steel is.

Oh. Everybody. Don't you want to know? I want to know, like, if she could take the whole thing. I doubt she took the whole thing. She probably put little markers where she got... I got this deep in.

I wanted to fuck her, but I don't now. I know I would not feel any pussy. She went from the champagne room to the belly room. She worked her way all the way up. That's when you go to the champagne room to the belly room She worked her way all the way up His dick is a Pringle can That's when you go to the hospital And get the daddy stitch

When you have a baby She actually wasn't wearing pink That's just her vagina now I'm sure your pussy feels amazing I'm sure your pussy's great I know we're just joking up here Yeah Johanna you're cool as fuck One more time for Johanna Petriak everybody

Alright guys Maybe we'll get one more out of the bucket at the end But we have two regulars that write and perform A brand new minute every single week We're going to plow through them real quick They have the hardest job They have one of the hardest gigs in comedy, writing and performing a brand new minute every week on this show and then talking

with comedians every single week about it. This week's no different. Going up first, this week, let's switch it up a little bit. You know her as one of the regulars here on Kill Tony, one of the funniest rising young stand-ups. Put your hands together for her. It's Vanessa Johnston, everybody.

stand-ups put your hands together for it's vanessa johnson everybody it's smoky um i i i hate passive-aggressive people i hate them so much i want to vote for trump just so that all the passive-aggressive people just shrivel up and die because like passive aggression is such a first world privilege like you never hear people in third world countries going yeah well i wish someone would pick these maggots off my toes like that never happens no one's ever like yeah no yesterday i sold our baby for a pair of socks i thought you knew but it knew. It doesn't happen. No one ever in the history of ever has been like, this water and drinking has

E. coli and my dead sister in it, but it's fine, whatever. Because they're actual fucking problems. If you have time to be passive aggressive about a problem, it's probably not an actual problem. Yes. Okay. There you go. 58 seconds.

I can already tell you exactly what's going on there. That very last part that you said right at the very end should be the absolute beginning. If you're being passive-aggressive, people suck. In fact, if you're being passive aggressive, your problems probably aren't even that big. You think people are passive aggressive

on the other side of the world, and in six seconds, you just did what took you 30 before and you're in. Because that shit was actually funny, because I could see through the long setup, even though a normal audience of peasants can't. But me,

creative comedy genius, i can see exactly what you were getting at and i know exactly how to rearrange it because that shit's funny as fuck your examples were very funny you just you know take from this the light the age old killer lesson that comes up every week you got to trim the fat the most common mistake and i was guilty of this we all i think we're in the beginning People over set up everything when you first start. You're telling us passive aggressive people suck. We're wondering what are they saying? What's offended you?

It's a broad term, passive aggressiveness. So we can't actually picture it until you're giving examples. So you've got to get to that immediately. And then you can ride that wave with other shit afterwards. I thought the lesson you were going to give was wipe front to back. Okie dokie. Pat, thank you. I had a feeling it was going to be a real home run from over there.

This is your guys' first time seeing Vanessa Johnston, one of our new regulars here on the show. Any initial thoughts, guys? I thought you gave her some good notes. I kind of think of it in terms of thesis statements, like what they teach you in high school. And like kind of whittling down this idea you're trying to get to and just like put it into a concise statement and then get right to the joke.

So kind of like what Tony was saying. So passive aggression is – essentially passive aggression is bullshit. It wouldn't fly in third world countries and then you can just get right to it. That's it. It's now even – now it's four seconds. Yeah. So just try to whittle down what the thing is and to make something big, something small, and then you can make something small, something big.

And then once you have a short setup and you're already getting laughs, you can tag it all day and then go into other examples about how there's other shit that doesn't go on in other countries. You could do anything from that point. Then you're already in and playing with fire.

Yeah, I agree with them. I'm not going to repeat what they're saying, but let me ask you a question. Sometimes do you think to yourself your beauty is a distraction? Is it a distraction for you? On stage, do you ever think that way sometimes? I think it just depends. I think it is.

I think it's something that's interesting that I sort of like about her being a regular on this show and having to fucking, you know what I mean, work and prove it every week. I think that is interesting that she's fighting from that. Yeah, because some people go through that. Like, they go on stage and sometimes their bodies are so beautiful, their face so beautiful, it takes a moment

for people to even get into their material, you know, and it happened to me, you know, a lot. So. I just know how you feel and i want to give you a hug how adorable they can really relate to each other hey hey hey i'm just trying to help out um no i'm serious though but i was i was wanting to do it. Do you think that? Because sometimes that can even distract you sometimes. No, I don't really think about it.

Okay, cool. Good show. Vanessa, you're doing it. Because pretty girls don't think about how pretty they are, Dion. They just know it. You're very, very smart and funny. And, you know, you just got to take that lesson of trimming it from the top. Your setup will almost never be too short.

Nobody will be like, I wish I would have heard more about that setup at the front of the joke ever. Nobody ever says that. That's always my reaction. Okie dokie. All right. Vanessa, thank you so much.

A new 60 seconds from Vanessa Johnston. We did it again. We have one other regular. and we did it again. We have one other regular. Vanessa, confident, swagger. Our other regular is the opposite. She is, Vanessa is a Jedi.

This one is a Sith. Space ball. Space ball. Space ball. That's the funniest thing you've ever said. That's so fucking funny. Yes. She's nervous. She's fun.

She's not going to apologize or stumble through any part of what she's about to say. Whatsoever. Because that's just not going to happen. She's just going to talk about the stuff

she wanted to talk about and it's going to be great. We're going to talk about it afterwards. The stylings of Melissa Esslinger, everybody. I got in trouble a lot when I was a kid for talking too much. I was a real

badass. My mom, well, I would sit in the back of the car when she was driving and I would count but I didn't know what came after 29 so I would just start back at 20 and 28, 29, 20 so my mom was never worried that I would

be kidnapped ever because they would definitely bring me back I would also I discovered when I was 4 years old that if you say the same word over and over again it starts to sound weird, I found that out with Garfield, I was four years old that if you say the same word over and over again, it starts to sound weird. I found that out with Garfield. I was like, Garfield, Garfield, Garfield, Garfield, Garfield.

Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. My mom would just be like, Melissa, would you please just breathe between sentences and maybe just not say the sentences. It would make us turn the TV off at dinner time. Fuck yes, Melissa Esslinger. Look at that.

Look at that. No apologies. No hesitation. Probably the fucking set of the night. Melissa Esslinger. She was masturbating the whole time with her hand in her pocket or something. She was nervous as shit.

She's nervous. That's her style. Knuckle deep or something. I gotcha. Keep going until it gets gross enough for a reaction. I gotcha. That was great, Melissa. You did it. That's what it's like when you don't say I'm sorry and everything That was great, Melissa. You did it.

That's what it's like when you don't say I'm sorry and everything 10 seconds into it or two seconds into it. You get your ideas across and you showed strength the entire time. You stayed in the pocket and you fucking delivered. It makes me so happy when you do shit like this. That Garfield joke was great. Funny as fuck. Garfield.

As far as the comedians on stage, that was the highlight. Yeah, it was good shit. And set wise, and set wise you won the night and that's that maybe say Garfield more Garfield Garfield Garfield just keep working it out your way with your thing you know what I mean just play with it a lot keep doing a ton of stage time

and figure it all out and just keep doing what you're doing you know what I loved about that set is that no one else but melissa could have done that set oh it's absolutely true one of a kind then that's what i always say almost every week is that you are writing in your voice which is priceless because that means that every single minute that you're writing on this show goes to to the overall set. So literally, you know, when you have a set like that, that's one minute out of 58 minutes that makes up a fucking special. And that's a year and seven weeks

if you always have a set like that. That's just simple science. Dion, Cole, anything else for Melissa Esslinger? No, keep doing it. Benji? And your beauty is distracting as well. Oh, thanks. Yeah.

By the way, don't ever call me a Sith. Sorry, I had to. Oh, I did. We switched it to space. Benji, anything else for Melissa? Melissa Esslinger's on Twitter. Melissa Esslinger, Vanessa Johnstew Ryan J. Ebel drew tonight's episode

This is what the drawing looks like Live audience You can buy a Kill Tony poster Limited edition After the show if you want On the patio That's Ryan J. Ebel He just drew that for tonight

Jamie Vernon on the HD camera Josh Martin Comics opening for me at the Wilbur Theater October 8th. Pat Reagan. Jeremiah Watkins. Hey, listen to my music. At Patty Reagan and the Baby Boys. At Jeremiah's stand-up. Joel Jimenez. One of the best in the world.

We love you very much. Maximo Weinberg. Dion Cole. Anything else coming up up you want to plug or promote yes yes so June June 6 look out for season 2 of Angie Tribeca on TBS

Steve Carell Rashida Jones and myself Jerry Burns June 25th Comedy Central special Cold Blooded Cold Blooded Seminar and myself, Jerry Burns. A June 25th Comedy Central special. Cold-Blooded. Oh, shit. Cold-Blooded Seminar on Comedy Central, June 25th.

And keep watching Black-ish. And Barbershop. Go see Barbershop. There you go. Go see Barbershop. Benji and Polo, anything else for you? You got to watch the Nikki Glaser's... Kona 2, sorry. Not Safe show.

Benji's one of the main writers for Nikki Glazer's show. Yeah, currently writing on Not Safe with Nikki Glazer on Comedy Central which returns in June. Yes. You can watch episodes from the first part of the first season online and on the Comedy Central app and all over the internet. Live audience, thank you so much. This is Kill Tony. Have a great night, everybody. Thank you. We'll be right back. I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, What? What? What?

What? Get out of my room! Thank you. you you