KILL TONY - KILL TONY #22

Episode Date: November 18, 2013

Jesus Trejo, Benji Aflalo, Iron Patriot, Tony Hinchcliffe, Sara Mostajabi, Kimberly Congdon, Brian Redban – Date: 10/28/2013 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to Kill Tony here at DeathSquad.tv. Please check us out on our website, DeathSquad.tv, for all our live shows, including this Wednesday. Me, Dean Delaray, and Christian Spicer are going to be at the Punchline in San Francisco. Tickets are going real fast, so if you want to see us, go to DeathSquad.tv for the link, or go to the Punchline San Francisco's website. And don't worry, if it sells out, Death Squad will be there next month in December, December 11th. Details are coming soon, but it looks like it's going to be me, Sam Tripoli, and maybe Eddie Ift. So this is going to be a crazy, dirty show.

So if you like dirty comedy, uncensored, that's going to be the one to go to. That's going to be the San Jose Improv. So check out DeathSquad.tv for all our tour dates and look for some new dates coming soon. Also, ShopSquad.tv is Death Squad's official store. That's where we have our t-shirt. It's a limited edition kitty cat t-shirt and stickers, which we should have a new sticker anytime soon at the store. And that is at ShopSquad.TV. Again, these are all limited edition also. So once they sell out, they're gone forever. So check out ShopSquad.TV.

And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band coming to you live from the Road Famous Comedy Store. Give it up for Tony Hinchcliffe! A brand new episode of Kill Tony! Yippee, everybody! Hi! How are you guys doing? Good to be here, everyone. Hello. Another fun crowd.

This is our special Halloween episode, our semi-Halloween episode, in which the great Jesus Christ is here, everybody, the Lord and Savior Almighty. Give that, give it up for him. Working hard on a Monday. And the Iron Patriot, as always, is here with us with his special Halloween edition beard. Right, Brian? Look at that thing.

I feel like one of the Oak Ridge Boys, Tony. Oh, there you go. Elvira. Ba-doom, ba-ba-doom, ba-ba-doo. Elvira. Super topical reference you got there. People love Oak Ridge Boys jokes, and you're just firing them out already,

straight out of the gates. I mean, first impressions. First impressions with Comic Patriot would be a great part just to start off. I want to talk to you something, Tony. I bet. I was looking on Twitter, and there have been

some people making some art designs with Kill Tony. It's been pretty neat. There was one that caught my particular interest. It was an artist named Michael did the cover of the Kill Bill movie, but he puts your face instead of Uma's. Yeah. And she was wearing that yellow jumpsuit, that iconic photo. Yeah, you got it.

Yes, and I wanted to say. It was an amazing Photoshop job. I wanted to say to you, if things don't work out in comedy, you maybe could be an Uma Thurman impersonator. There you go. O for two. Patriot is O for two, for those of you keeping count during the World Series. But another thing I read about that is, do you know that Bruce Lee also wore that yellow jumpsuit in his last film in 1973, The Game of Death.

There you go. Absolutely. That is a great fact. And they have those for sale on the internet. I think you should do that for your costume this Thursday. Get a blonde wig and get that yellow jumpsuit. What are you doing on Thursday? You already got the shoes.

What are you doing on Thursday? And you got the body, man. You got like that vegan body from all the cum and stuff like that. All right, that's not what a vegan is. You're really rushing into it this week. I don't know why you have to make these vegan jokes about me sucking cum, because that doesn't go with that. That's not the same thing.

Yeah, it is. It's not the same thing. Because you have that body, that AIDS cancer body. I don't know why you do this. I don't know why you do this. I don't know why you do this, Brian. I don't know what it is about this part of rubbing me the wrong way that gets you excited. Well, Bruce Lee was very thin. I think he's right.

If you had a wig on. Yeah, thin and dangerous, just like Bruce Lee. Very sickly looking like a vegan. All right, that's enough. You're the one that gets sick every two weeks. Yeah, because I have to be around you so much. Alright, that didn't even make any sense. What are we doing here?

Have you googled Elvira, speaking of Elvira, lately to see if you would fuck her? Because I would still do it. Elvira? I sort of remember her. What is she up to now? She still has those big milky boobs. More makeup.

Yikes. Still doable. She was creepy then. Patriot, what are you going to be for Halloween on Thursday? I'm going to be my same thing. What? I go out in the boulevard. I go out about...

Jesus knows. He knows how I go out there. I'll probably go out there from 4 to 7 or something when the trick-or-treating's happening. You know, the kids, they'll like seeing me, and I'll do some pictures, and then I'll go home. Fuck yeah. All in a day's work. Take some pictures, go home.

Yep. No different with Halloween with you. Were you doing anything at nighttime? Any plans? Maybe I'll go to Disneyland. I've been thinking I might want to check that out. You think you might want to go to Disneyland on Thursday night?

Yeah. You don't know. I'm real spontaneous. There's no telling where I might be, Tony. I don't know if you're that spontaneous. I think under the costume you're a pedophile. So you telling me that you want to go to Disneyland on Thursday night makes a lot of sense. Yeah, I do. I'd love it. Because there's, let's face it, where you live, there's probably no

kids trick-or-treating coming right to that door where you could just pull them in and fucking. No, I gotta go out. You got all those fresh feet, those little feetsies, those fresh feetsies. Oh, that's so disgusting. I don't go under it. I'm the patriot. I don't break the law. Yeah. Do you think that it's harder for us to take you seriously with the beard on at all? Don't go under it. I'm the patriot. I don't break the law. I don't know. Do you think that it's harder for us to take you seriously with the beard on at all? I don't know. I can't really see how I look. Do I look sexy?

Interesting thing about that beard, it's the exact same beard of the guy that, when I got robbed by gunpoint, he had the exact same model beard on with the little white string. Yeah. It's a beard for wizards. Oh. when I got robbed by gunpoint, he had the exact same model beard on with a little white string. Yep. It's a beard for wizards. Oh, black wizard. Did he really had a wizard beard?

Yeah. Yeah. That exact same color, everything. That is so crazy. Yeah. Cause when I see it at Halloween stories, it brings back like a, a flashback.

Well, you know, the one thing that, uh, obviously our production value here on this show and a robber has in common is that they both only want to spend $7 for a fake beer. And so there you go. When it comes to what kind of hair and makeup quality we go to, it's to that of a street thug. Yeah.

Yeah. So Iron Patriot sent me another song this week. Oh, no. Yeah. Yeah. So, Iron Patriot sent me another song this week. Oh, no. Yeah. Okay. Do you think they'd let me come to the Playboy Mansion with this beard?

For Halloween? I don't think they would let you anywhere near the Playboy Mansion with or without the beard, Patriot. I'm pretty sure that they have

at least any form of security whatsoever. I'd rock it in that grotto. They'd love me. You'd rust in the grotto. Yeah. You'd electrocute everybody in the grotto. It wouldn't go well. For those of you that don't know, the Patriot

was in an unsuccessful rock and roll band in the 80s in Texas. Every once in a while, he sends in a song to us. It's an old song that was not ever a hit when he was in a band, but he's bringing it back as the Iron Patriot.

So here's another song, a new song that he sent in this week. What's the name of it, Patriot? Send Me. Send Me. Here we go. All right. This is always something. Thank you. We'll be right back. Maybe, maybe, send me on my way. But if I have my way, my way, I'll love her all through the weekdays. I want her to send me on my way all the time.

I think about just leaving or just breathing, but I'm never believing. And I'm always feeling uptight when the money don't seem to flow. In the middle of the shipyard on the south side where the boys really work hard. Time's going to go real fast, so I might as well relax. Because it's Friday. I got a date with a pretty lady. Maybe, maybe she'll send me on my way. But if I have my way.

Oh, my God. There we go. Yes. Thank you, guys. Was there actually a line in there that said, in the shipyard where the guys are real hard? No, no. The shipyard where the guys really work hard,

where the boys really work hard. You know, I've heard like three or four. I've heard three or four of these songs now from you, Patriot. I gotta say, you guys really would have killed if you ever played the Mos Eisley Cantina. Oh. I mean, you sound like those

fucking It's very jazzy. Yeah. Who played the... Do you know any of the words from the Mos Eisley song? No, I don't know. Can you just make it up on the spot right now? Improvise something for us?

Well, I'm not sure what you're talking about. I just love putting them on the spot sometimes. I thought you were talking about Star Wars. Yeah, that is. There's lyrics to that song? To one of them there is. It might even be one of those weird extended parts.

Actually, it might not be the Mos Eisley Cantina. I think I'm thinking of Jabba's Palace. Yeah, the guy with the beard and the glasses, of course, immediately like, you got it, bro. Big point. Saved it. Yeah, with that little shit. And then they torture that one blue chick that has the horns coming out of her hair.

This chick's just always being whipped and being made to sing songs and stuff. Really sad story. Do you know anything more about the blue chick? Yeah, she was a dancer. And I think she was in love with one of the Bounty Hunters. I think it was Dengar. And he was going to whisk her away that night. I've gotten so good at knowing who to ask facts to from asking.

See, I would have gone with the guy with the Star Wars shirt in the very back row. I think there's a guy that's... He just likes the shirt. He just likes the shirt. Exactly. Real Star Wars fans wear fucking collared shirts with nice jackets and stuff. They're successful. You decide whether you're going to be a Jedi or the dark side, and you make a commitment.

What side did you pick, bro? Total Jedi. There's no such thing as double Jedi. Total. Oh, total Jedi. All right, cool. Patriot, if you had to say whether you're Sith or Jedi, what would you pick? Neither.

You're a droid. Of course. The only one that can't pick. I love it. Yeah. Well, you guys know why we're here. This is the wildly successful another episode 22 of Kill Tony, where a lot of rising young comedians, young and old sometimes, come here. They sign up to do 60 seconds each.

And I always have two of my funniest friends on as guests. This week will be no different. In no particular order, your guests tonight, you guys ready to get this thing kick-started or what? Kick-started. Yeah, kick-started. How about that? That's nice. Yeah, we just raised $7 with that applause.

We lost it on the beard. Yeah, exactly. We broke even. So your guest tonight, one of my funnier friends. We write together on The Burn, Comedy Central roast writer. We started together. Put your hands together for my pal Benji Aflalo, everybody. Hell yeah, here he is.

And also the opener for Russell Peters, Steve Trevino. I mean, this guy's done the road. He just booked some huge college tour. One of my best friends. Put your hands together for Jesus Trejo, everybody. Also here.

You know him from Sullivan and Son on TBS. Hi, Jesus. Welcome. What's up, man? How are you guys? I'm so happy to have you guys. Two of my funniest pals. The kind of guys that I hang out with almost every single night and laugh with.

Yeah. Jesus and Benji. Two cold-blooded fucking killers. Yeah. Hey, guys. Benji, you've been on the show before in Jesus. This is your first time. Yeah, first time, dude. What episode were you on, Benji?

I was on this show with Jeff Richards. What episode, Patriot? That was Kill Tony 6. There you go. Remember I did my rap song. I love it. I love the Iron Patriot, right? I really like you, man.

Thank you. I've seen you on the Ice House Chronicles in the last couple weeks and been enjoying it. Okay, cool. Thanks, man. You didn't have to compliment me just because I complimented you. No, it's okay.

All right. That's hilarious. And we got Jesus here. What do you know about Jesus? Yeah, what was it like opening up for Russell Peters? Fucking crazy. Yeah. I was like, oh, shit. This is real. What was the like opening up for Russell Peters? Fucking crazy. Yeah. I was like, oh, shit.

This is real. What was the biggest venue you did with him? Nokia Theater here in Los Angeles. Jesus. How many people is that? 7,500. Yeah, man. I was like, holy shit.

My mom, 10th row, just clapping it up the whole time. Oh, that's great. Could you see her? Yeah. Oh, I could see her. Was she like one of your focal points during your set? Yeah. And then my dad sleeping. You know what I mean? Oh, that's great. Could you see her? Yeah, oh, I could see her. Was she like one of your focal points during your set? Yeah, and then my dad sleeping. Oh, really?

Isn't that amazing how that works out? It's crazy. Like, we were there. Like, I was so excited. My dad was like, after the show's all said and done, we're backstage, and my dad just kind of like, you know, hitting with his knuckles up against the beam. He's like, oh, this is a nice place.

I'm like, oh, this is a nice place. Like, oh, awesome, man. I guess they got a pretty decent foundation over at the Nokia Center. Oh, the seats are amazing. What about these jokes? Fuck your jokes. That's great. Iron Patriot, man.

What's up with them lights, man? You look at those lights and you feel like he's going to whiten somebody's teeth at the mall. Just go up to him and just... You know what I mean? What's up with them lights, man? Like, you look at those lights and you feel like he's going to whiten somebody's teeth at the mall and shit. Just go up to him and just do-do-do-do-do-do-do. You know what I mean? Yeah, the costume came from Norway, but the lights came from Belgium. Wow. There's another guy.

All right. Fuck yeah. He tagged that shit, huh? Yeah. Absolutely. When I got the lights, I actually had to wire up the battery packs. I had to make several trips to Radio Shack because I thought I was just ready to go, but it was just the light, and then I had to twist the wires together

and put those little plastic things, twist them on there. That's very Johnny Five of you. Yeah, yeah. I'm just like Robert Downey. I do a lot of work at home on my costume getting ready. Downey's soft, son. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Fuck yeah, man. Another thing that I love that's happening right now with this introduction of the beard and the ventilation system here at the store is this powerful wizard bottom of the beard that you have going on right now. It's like floating in the wind. Pretty fucking hilarious. Yeah, yeah.

Do you have any wizardly thoughts for us? Have you smoked pot lately and had any of your deep thoughts? Yes. Nothing is outside you. What is within is without. I don't get it. That's it? That's the end of it? It sounded like you were really getting somewhere. You're in a battle against your own mind.

And that's the good news and the bad news. I don't like these. You're not smoking the right pot, Patriot. I don't know. I feel like he's just reading us memes. Yeah. Let the trumpets go. Oh, yeah.

We have a new soundboard, by the way. Thanks to hornblasters.com for updating us to an HD soundboard. Heck, yeah. So we have a new... Why don't you explain what we usually have? Well, of course. Well, you guys know comedians all sign up to do 60 seconds to be able to perform, maybe get some of that punched up, maybe just get some direction of any kind

or just be talked to and get their stuff out there. But we always have them do 60 seconds, and they know that they've hit that 60-second mark when they're doing stand-up by the meow of a kitty. And it used to just be this little innocent meow. But with our new upgrade... Oh, my God. That's unbearable.

Is that Donald Duck in that motherfucker? I sure would have loved to have had an audio rehearsal before this. I guess I just took your word for it that the updated cat was great. All right. We could go with this. That's much better. That's a cougar. That's much better.

I don't need an angry. That sounded like a skinny, angry cat. All right. Well, how about the, you know, after if they go over the minute, they keep on going. Oh, yeah. Well, normally we have the West Hollywood bear. What's the big? Well, it's just a gayer bear.

That's fucking scary as fuck, right? That is fucking perfect. That's amazing. That's the other room and shit mic'd up. That is so great. That'll make the person shit offstage. What's the magic wand? I just want to see what the magic wand says.

Just out of curiosity. Just in case if a really hot girl comes up on stage. It's adorable. Fuck yeah, man. So, uh... Is that what you hear in your head when you have a boner? Because I wouldn't automatically associate that sound with hot chicks.

Really? I mean, it's a nice sound. You're at Disneyland. You're hanging out. It makes sense. I'm just saying. That sound is like, remember those old school audio books when you got to turn the page and you don't know how to read and shit? This is in my head. Why are you eating McDonald's Red Band?

He has a McDonald's cup right there. It's our newest sponsor. No big deal. They upgraded the next song that we're going to hear once we start the show. Oh, really? Yeah, it's because they're a new chicken sandwich. And remember, it's new, spicy, bold, and delicious. I don't believe you guys.

Oh, really? I'm loving it. You'll believe the flavor once you taste this new chicken sandwich. Desquad is tied to McDonald's now. I don't buy it. Well, you should buy it because it's only $2.99 for 36 chicken nuggets right now at your local McDonald's. That'd be the final straw. We weren't supposed to talk about it because we don't pay our guests, but McDonald's has been – we've been in cahoots.

Is that why you have one ethnic guy here because that's how every McDonald's commercial advertises? It's in the contract. It's in there, bro. Thanks, Jesus. And that's why actually the Iron Patriot is wearing a beard because we don't want to get in trouble from the Marvel Corporation. Yeah. We decided to go corporation to corporation. Since some of you – I don't know how many of you know the storyline here,

but the Iron Patriot was in a movie, blah-biddy-blah, and now he bought this crazy suit to be the Iron Patriot. But we got a note from lawyers over at Marvel that they aren't too happy with us having the Iron Patriot. With the McDonald's sponsorship. Now we're going, we're lawyered up. Yeah. McDonald's versus Marvel in a battle of the titans. Yep.

But then again, McDonald's might drop us after they hear this episode. They might, yeah. Anyway, fuck yeah. You guys ready to get this thing started? We have over 30 comedians

that signed up for tonight's show to get the chance to do 60 seconds. So let's have some fun, shall we? It's always exciting and fun. Hey, Sarah Weinshank, everybody.

Starting it off. Sarah. Lovely young lady. Exactly what we need. Sarah. I think we lost a chicken. I follow Sarah on Instagram. If you can get another one for $1.79.

What's up? Yeah. Everyone's like, yeah. Got a flu shot, guys. What's up? Yeah? Everyone's like, yeah. Got a flu shot, guys. Got my flu shot from Rite Aid. Went to Rite Aid to get Q-tips and a Twix. Just Q-tips and a Twix. That's all I wanted.

Left with a fucking flu shot. Waiting to see if I'm going to develop latent autism. Not quite sure yet. But you guys should have seen the dude that gave me this flu shot. This fool was like, father time. He rang me up for the Twix and the Q-tips, and then I freaked out. I was like, there's no way you're the same dude that's going to inject me. He's no i am but i got a lollipop afterwards that was tight um knickknacks i have a lot of things like i'm afraid i'm gonna be a crazy old knickknack lady with a lot of shit like magnets on my fridge from places i've never been i'm afraid of being that bitch like the one that likes fuchsia and makes hummingbird feeders.

That's like my nightmare. Have a lot of cats. Really big scratch posts so they can play on them but no furniture. Was that one of them? There you go. There you go. One minute. The cat noise cut out

her cat joke. Did you notice that? That's true. We got cats on cats on cats. Cat city. Cat cat city, bro. That's right. Fuck yeah. That's fun. The flu shot, CVS, Twix, Q-tips.

You shouldn't get flu vaccines. I know. I know. Trust me. So why'd you do it? How much was it? I was like torn. And then I was like, fuck it. It was like an inner battle. And it? I was like torn. And then I was like, fuck it.

It was like an inner battle. And they asked me right on the spot. And I was like, fuck it, yeah. But then I looked up all the side effects afterward. And like I had already looked up the side effects before. But I don't want to get the flu. I always get the flu. So I was like, you know, I'll take that risk.

When's the last time you got a flu shot? Never. Well, I called my dad and he was like you shouldn't have ever fucking done that yeah don't do flu don't do that

are you healthy why are you getting the flu don't listen to him he drinks every night and eats McDonald's and all that stuff I mean I don't know I don't know

like I'm healthy yeah I just don't want to fuck with the flu like I don't want to be out of my life for a week so I thought fuck it let me get like

some weird disease from the side effects of the flu shot you don't want an excuse to sit home and watch awesome TV and fucking shit out 15 pounds. Yeah, I love the flu. The flu is, you catch up with things the second you're healthy from the flu. It's like, no one can get me sick.

No, I don't want to fuck with the flu. But the side effects of the flu shot are worse than the actual flu. Wait, what do you do to be healthy? That's what I want to know. Why are you getting the flu? Are you doing yoga, hot yoga? I mean, I've done hot yoga. I'm not, like, hitting the yoga lounge on the reg.

I mean, as a young, cute girl in Los Angeles trying to make it, you've got to go at it every day. Yoga. Do you work out? Do you work out? Vegan at it every day. Yoga. Do you work out? Vegan food. How often? I work out like two times a week. I don't work out enough. I work out when I can.

Everyone. Yeah, I just don't like fucking with the other bitches in the yoga classes. They're crazy. Wow. Can we get another Jaguar sound? Why don't you like yogis? Cat fight.

Downward facing angry kitty. Why don't I like yogis? Because you're like, I'm cuter than you and I know you think you're cute because you have yoga. By the way, I already like this. I don't like other girls in yoga more than anything else so far. I think't like other girls in yoga more than anything else so far. Okay.

I think now we're playing with fire. Fuck these yoga cunts. Go. Fuck them. Okay. Yeah, what is it about them that you don't like? I don't like that they have kombuchas that they bring. You guys know what that is?

I don't like that. Hilarious. I don't appreciate the fact that their mat is more than what's in my bank account. I don't appreciate that they're around every day at 2 p.m. I don't appreciate the fact that their yoga pants are more expensive than my regular pants. There you go. I think you're going to make some money with one of those pants. Yeah, that was awesome.

That was real. That was some real shit. Yeah, that's real shit. That was real. Very passionate there at yeah that's real shit that's real very passionate there at the end that's awesome take their shit seriously too

like I can't take myself seriously enough to get through one of those classes like the deep breathing it's like this is so embarrassing what is it embarrassing about deep breathing

because there's like this one class okay I won't even fuck with it because it's like extra deep it's like called kudalini.

Might even blow a snot bubble deep. You know what I mean? Yeah. That deep right there where you snort when you laugh. Right there. That deep. It's quiet in there, right? So what are you dressing in?

What are you wearing to yoga that you're feeling, you know, you don't have any Lululemon? None? I mean, I have nice pants, don't have any Lululemon? None? I mean, I have nice pants, but they're not Lululemon. I don't fuck with Lululemon, because it's like played out, you know? I'll look the part, but not fully. I won't go full yoga douche. So you go into like

dark alleys to buy your yoga pants? No. Not dark alleys. Yeah. I wonder if you had an extended labia, if you'd be more scared to go to yoga yeah I mean there's plenty of hot girls in yoga but there's some needy women too

actually I have a yoga nightmare story it was at a goddess workshop that I got suckered into signing up for and ever since then I stopped going to yoga what's a goddess workshop? oh trust me you don't want to know it sounds like something that I got suckered into signing up for. And ever since then, I stopped going to yoga. What's a goddess workshop? Oh, trust me, you don't want to know. It sounds like something that I could say could make another interesting premise.

What is that? What's a goddess workshop? All these crazy older women, I would say, late 40s, early 50s, that are having freakouts in their Lululemons. And it's like a Friday night at 10 o'clock and I got guilt tripped into going in this and I can't say no

and it was $40 and I signed up and I had to look what is it? what are they doing to you? I thought that we were going to do yoga at the yoga class goddess workshop but when I arrived there no one was doing any type of stretching at all and I had to stare into another woman's eyes who was anorexic for like five minutes

and then hug her and then she cried. So ever since then I'm like fuck yoga. When do you become a goddess? I don't get the goddess thing. It's just like these women, they're like hate their lives and their husbands or like whatever. They're like bitter about life so they're like going to like, I didn't realize it was like

this, you know? I'll tell you this, if you work the I hate bitches angle, you'll get all the men on your side and some of the women. It's true. They'll stand by your passion and your honesty. Because it sounds like you really are coming from that place, so fucking rock it. Because the yoga thing's

funny. How are they always there too? What are they doing? If you're doing this and you're able to do yoga at 2, what are they doing? Why are they always free? How do they do that? Because they have rich husbands and they just do yoga during the day and she resents it.

She's a fucking artist trying to grind during the day and then she sees all these rich bitches at fucking yoga at 2 p.m. Right. And she's like, fuck this. Exactly. Yes. There you go princess shank on twitter Sarah Wine Shank everybody talking about the flu shot

hashtag diamonds backslash diamonds that's fun that's exciting the flu shot. Yeah. I'm not into that. I got a physical a couple months ago, and they just started giving me shots.

And it was too late by the time it happened. But they gave me some shots. They're full of mercury and shit. That's why everyone has autism. It's from all the vaccines. What kind of shots did they give you at a physical? They're supposed to take your blood. B12 vitamin.

Yeah, they loaded it up. They gave me the fucking premium package. They B12 you up? They shoot up some B12? You get your finger in their ass? I think so. I think I got some good stuff. Got whatever the Writer's Guild package is.

Ball grab? You know what? He didn't. It wasn't actually a grab. I really liked my new doctor, by the way. Did it have a beginning, middle, and an end? I'll tell you this. One time, I got a physical from a doctor,

and he went for the ball grab, the turn your head and cough, and I didn't realize it until right afterwards, but he didn't have a glove on when he did it. He didn't have a glove on. His hands are clean. Yeah, they're clean but put a glove on it, bro. It's fine that he doesn't have a glove on.

All of a sudden I started thinking probably like a girl would that doesn't use a condom with a guy or something. I'm like, it's alright this one time with me, but wait a second, that means he does that with all the guys. So he has this ball-y hand, this hand of balls. Was it in the morning or in the afternoon?

I think I got a late shift on the ball grab. And don't tell me how many pairs you got. I had one where I knew the ball grab was coming because my dad told me about it, so I got a female doctor to do my physical. You're so full of shit. No, she had a teacher's assistant, like somebody shadowing her,

that did it for her. So I had a younger guy that was like my age grab my balls in front of her. It was worse. I prefer a male doctor. That's so great. This kid was like my age. I was like 22

this was a while ago was he like yo bro nice balls yeah I prefer a male touching my balls because I don't want it to be a girl

and then I like bone her in the doctor's office no that's awesome and I don't want it to be a girl because I don't want a dumb girl doctor to misdiagnose

my testicular cancer you know what I'm saying I need a fucking man with a big brain ew what's these veins? Ew, you got something. I once had a female doctor, but she was very dykey, but she did inject my asshole.

Like, I had a hemorrhoid, and she shot it. You had a hemorrhoid? What kind of lifestyle are you living, Ben? I'm just, I gotta, you know, if I booze too much, or if I don't take care, I get a hemorrhoid. And she didn't, she lied to me. She was like, all right, you're gonna feel a little pinch, because they're not gonna be like, I'm about to jam this sy was like, all right, you're going to feel a little pinch.

Because they're not going to be like, I'm about to jam this syringe in your asshole because you can't see what's going on. Did she put the rubber band on it? Or what did you do? I can't see. It's all happening behind you. And then once it's done, she's like, this is what I just did. And you're like, whoa. What do you mean that's what I just did?

Did she suck it out and then show you something? No, she just tells you afterwards what she did. She doesn't want to be like, I'm about to stick a needle inside of your asshole you put a rug well maybe you guys yeah i think this is its own podcast called uh hemorrhoid express with red band and benji you'll get there bro you're stressed out it ain't happening yeah i had to put a rubber band around my arm that cut off the the air to it patriot have you ever had a hemorrhoid? I did, but I changed my diet and I never had one again. I thought he said on my dick. I'm like, how the fuck? That's what I heard.

Get a hemorrhoid on your dick. Eat lots of fiber. Eat some bananas, some fiber. Try to change it up so you don't have to have those. I didn't have to do that rubber band thing. That would have been terrible. I used some Preparation H for a few days. Got rid of it. Changed my diet. It was cool.

There you go. All right, your next comedian, everybody. Put your hands together for Mario Ramone, everyone. Here he is. Mario. Oh, yeah. Coming from deep in the gullet. Oh, yeah.

This is going to take a while. He dropped his jacket. He's still coming. The music's out. He's still coming. Here he out he's still coming here he is everybody Mario Ramone yo what's up y'all how are you

I just moved to LA about 6 weeks ago and my mom just actually came to visit me and I had to take her out dancing and I hate taking my mother out dancing she loves to do line dancing she never wants to go to her age bracket of clubs she always wants to go to my club. What do you call that line dance?

Not the electric slide, but the wobble. But the only thing is, she's in an electric wheelchair. She's fucking people's toes up. My mom, she loves to drink and do line dances and things. And she does it. She makes her wheelchair go really fast where it slings her head. And she's like fucking people's toes. Seriously, this isn't a joke.

This isn't a joke. And then she likes to fight, too. You ever seen the drunk who likes to fight? She'll pull up. She'll be like, what did you say? I'm like, mom, they're going to push your ass down. Actually, she's downstairs waiting on me. I know she can hear me.

We didn't have an elevator up here. She was like, I want to go, but that's the deal. You nailed it. Wow, you nailed it in a minute. I nailed it in a minute. Holy moly. Is that true? Is your mom really here? Downstairs in an electric wheelchair?

She's waiting on me. I wish we had an elevator so she could see the show. She's really downstairs right now? She's downstairs. Wow. That's amazing. That's hilarious. Well, okay.

Okay. You have so many things you want to talk about, I guess. Did she really want to go dancing with you? Was that a thing? Oh, yeah. She goes dancing. In a wheelchair. In an electric wheelchair. In an electric wheelchair.

Don't call Oprah Gale. Alright. What did he say? You are a happy guy. Where are you from? I'm from Atlanta. Atlanta. It's really cool to holler at Hotlanta.

It's all happening, man. Hotland. It's really cool to holler at Hotland. What happened? It's all happening, man. I know. Well, that's cool. Was it tough picking up your mom from the airport, seeing how she's in a wheelchair? No. I mean, they have assistants at the airport. Right, right, right.

Do you tip the guy who pushed you? Of course, I always do. Nice. What'd you tip him? A couple $1 bills. Well, yeah. I give him like four or five singles or something. I'm sweating like Whitney and Bobby, actually.

I'm so damn nervous. I'm not nervous. I'm just hot. That was hilarious, man. I'm curious. Is that the first time your mom approached you about going dancing? No. She's always gone dancing with me.

What was that first time like? I'm curious. Is it like that? Well, people were actually concerned because she was in her wheelchair and she had her quarter zone shot that time in her knee so she got up and started doing it like that. So she can kind of move.

Has anyone ever tried to inappropriately grind your mother on the dance floor? No, she's the grinder actually. She'll will up on you and grind you. And she makes it bounce. The yeah she has hydraulics in her wheelchair and we decorated it for i mean yeah that's cute man it's all great um i think i yeah i love what you're doing with this whole thing it's absolutely right that is some funny shit i would definitely i would cross electric slide and electric wheelchair.

I would make that connection. Instead of saying the whole, what did you say, Waldo or Waldorf? What was you talked about a dance earlier on. It's called the wobble. Yeah, well, you're saying something there that it doesn't matter. You know what I mean? Like, we don't even know what that is. Does anybody know what the wobble

is? No. It's the one guy, right? What nationality are you is? No. What nationality are you? Nationality. Korean and black. Instead of the electric slide, she does the electric wheelie. I also love you talking about how sometimes she'll get cortisone shots. I would set that up by saying something like

she does one dance move we call the miracle where she gets her cortisone shots. And then all of a sudden she gets to the middle of the dance floor and just stands up and everybody goes crazy. You know what I mean? Like you call it the miracle. She does an awesome weekend at Bernie's. Right. Yeah.

Yeah. But that's great. I think it's cool that you're talking like like something real. I mean, like I talk a lot about my parents and my act. I think that's cool that you're talking like something real I talk a lot about my parents and my acting I think that's cool she's downstairs cursing me out every time I get finished she always says you fucker she does

I love your energy she gets so mad at me you have so much fun Mario life is fun. Why'd you move to L.A. to pursue comedy? Comedy and acting, yes. How long have you been here? Six weeks.

Six weeks. Wow. From Georgia. Six weeks. Was your mom out here before you guys came together? No, she just came to visit. Wow. She was like, I know there's some nice clubs in L.A.

Wow, that's so funny. Did you do comedy at the Punchline in Georgia? I did. Punchline, Uptown Comedy, Laugh Factory. Awesome. That's a great club. One of the best clubs in the nation. Is the comic strip. What did you say? Punchline. Atlanta. Punchline. I just wanted to make sure

that listeners didn't hear the Laugh Factory. Slaughter some innocent virgin animal and then walk over it and go do it. They let nobody in Punchline. No. You have to know him. Jesus. Yeah.

Red Band. This is some good shit here. You didn't have Jesus in Georgia, did you? Not in Georgia. It's really crazy. I know it's the Bible Belt and everything, but you will see anything goes in Georgia. I mean, Nene's from there. From the Housewives of Atlanta. Anybody knows that?

I think you're the only one watching that, pal. I didn't say I was watching it. I know about it. Hell yeah. Since you've been here six weeks, you've, since you've been here six weeks, you've checked out

like the West Hollywood area and all that, you know? Yeah. I've hit a lot of comedy clubs. I did John Lovitz. That was my,

the best one for me. And this one. Right. This one's pretty fun. Hell yeah. I mean, who else gets to perform literally in front of Jesus

and all you guys? Right? Yeah. That's right. Right? Okay. Fantastic. Mario Ramon's right. Right? Okay. Fantastic. Mario Ramon, everybody.

There he goes. Mario's brand new to LA. Very happy. Don't lose that excitement. Don't let this place steal your soul. We're going to see him in a few years

and he's going to be so dark. Oh, I know. Don't let... Remember who you are today. Remember that guy that was giggling at himself and he was alive because this city will rip that from your spinal

cord. And I remember people telling me that a few weeks in or whatever and they're like, yeah, yeah, and it's true. You were always kind of dark though. When I first met you, you were tough from the get-go. You were even tougher when you first started. It's true. Youngstown, Ohio.

I was wide-eyed when I first started. But I had confidence, though. I knew I wasn't going to quit. I knew I was in it. I knew I was going to learn some shit. Tony was like a week into comedy, treating people like shit. It was pretty funny. Worked out. Thank goodness. It did work out.

It's true. Thank goodness. Hey, Tony, why do they call you the golden boy? Actually, it's the golden pony. Oh, the golden boy. And, you know, a lot of people ask me that question, and here he is, Benji Aflalo, to tell you. I was one of the original people to call him the golden pony. You see, years ago, maybe five years ago or so,

we used to play Risk in the green room over here, me and all my nerdy comedian friends. But I'm not a nerdy comedian. He's not a nerd, but he'd be here sort of hanging out while we were playing, doing his own little thing, writing, drinking coffee. Getting shit done. And if you play Risk, you'll know that there's a piece on the Risk table

that's a golden horse that you use as a marker that isn't really relevant to one person. And then we'd say, Tony, do you want to play? And Tony would be like, no, I'm writing jokes. I'm not a nerd loser like you guys. No, thank you. I don't want to play Risk. So we would say, Tony's the Golden Pony, which is really nobody's piece on the Risk table,

and that's where it came from. And at first he hated the nickname Golden Pony, and then it eventually stuck. That's how nicknames are. There it is. The official Golden Pony song. Oh, wow.

There's a little dirty horse there at the end. Fuck yeah. The t-shirts are selling like hotcakes, aren't they? Oh, yeah. They sure are. And by selling like hotcakes, I mean who's buying those things anymore, right? Who buys hotcakes? How did that ever become a thing?

Hotcakes. Selling like hot... Well, I think a hot cake needs to be sold quickly, otherwise it's not hot anymore. That would be my guess. That's very good. The fattest guy in the room just applauded that. Obese.

Homie J-Mac. Heck yeah. J-Mac. Just applauded, giving the word hot cakes its own applause break. Okay, let's pick another name. Do you guys have pancake balls from Denny's? No, that sounds disgusting.

One of the places I refuse to eat at is Denny's. Why do you eat garbage? I won't even eat their oatmeal. Stop eating garbage, Redman. You'll feel really good. Yeah, just try it for a week. Just keep rice and cum, guys. There's not cum involved. I don't know why you a week. Just keep rice and cum, guys. There's not cum

involved. I don't know why you do that. I don't know. Alright, your next comedian, everybody. A regular around here. Put your hands together for the very funny Lil Bro, everyone. Powerful, powerful Lil Bro. Lil Bro. Just a quick

thought. You know, since they have the weed dispensaries, you think they'll ever have a cocaine dispensary? Like, can't wait for that shit to come out. Like, I got my card. Hey, I just moved out here to L.A. I really didn't move out here. I just don't have enough money to get back home. So I'm staying.

Like, I hate talking to people back home because they ask those same two questions like how are you doing and why haven't you made it home me made it yet and I'm like send me a plane ticket so I can come home and tell you all about it like I'm eventually go back home cuz I gotta pay my child support I hope they take checks cuz I'd rather go to jail for writing a hot check than not paying my child support. I'm like, I'm paying it all at one time. Because the only reason why, you know,

because I'm like, bitch, you want it all at one time? Because I am a cancer survivor. My ex-wife is a cancer, and that bitch was trying to kill me. But then she filed child support that's it thank you fuck yeah man little bro one of my good buddies how long you been out here now little, Lil Bro? Since March. Since March. What are we at? Six months. Six months.

There you go. Fuck yeah. I've made friends with the Unpassed. I really want to thank you for during the holiday season dressing up like a candy corn. First of all. That's adorable. Adorable. The seasonal Lil Bro.

Has little Thanksgiving pants on. Oh my God, yeah. Totally. Did those come with a baster hanging out of the pocket? Butternut squad. Fuck yeah. Oh my god, where do you even find a sweater like that? Do you have to go to the Halloween costume store

to buy that? I actually got the sweater for Christmas. Oh, whichever relative that was hates you. You can tell the relative that hates you the most by whoever bought you that sweater for Christmas. But you know what's so bad? I didn't get anything else.

That's why I kept it. I'm like, I'm proud of this sweater. Like, fuck, it's the only shit I got. Oh my god, that's so funny. If I wasn't trapped back here, I would have ran away like a black guy on that one. You know what I mean? That would have been a runaway, but I'm so stuck in this corner. God, I could really talk about that shirt for like 20 more minutes.

I know there's more there. I really want to thank you for ironing your pants with a wrinkle machine tonight. I've never seen cargo sweatpants before, but that's pretty impressive. Oh, shit. Stop it, Tony. All right. You win, man. You win.

Got the cotton. Oh, shit. Got the cotton. Lil Bro and I, Lil Bro is also a participant in many of what we would call a bagging session that just takes place organically around this comedy club in many hours of the night.

The back parking lot, this place is always crazy. Jesus too. Jesus is always in it absolutely Jesus is one of the Jesus is extra diabolical in

when we're all in groups making fun of what we look like and each other because he's actually a very physical comedian so his jokes will always end up

with him doing like it's hard to describe but first lines the choreograph and it's always something more powerful. Sometimes an act out can just crush what only words can do.

Do you notice he also has an orange watch matching the rest of his? Yeah, that's how he gets down. A gift too. Hell yeah. Did you get that orange watch when you did comedy in a construction zone before? It looks like a children's watch. Oh no, it was a gift. It was a gift.

It was a gift? The Comedy Montel. You get the worst gifts ever, by the way. Whoever is buying you these things hates you and is just buying them off of Halloween clearance racks. Oh, shit. I didn't even know they still made cargo pants. Was that a gift from 1998? No, man.

What do you keep in those big pockets? A better pair of pants? Goddamn. Oh shit, here comes the hat. Yeah! Boom. Got him. I'm trying to hide my face, man.

You're killing me. Let me say something. You should have hid the outfit. The face is fine. Montel Williams. This is how we do it. You came in March. You didn't have the money to get home.

So are you on an extended vacation that turned into a comedy career? Who's this guy named March? Yeah. Heck yeah. I like it. Hey, by the way, Patriot, your beard would go great with that outfit he's wearing. Lil Bro, you are hilarious. You always are.

It's always so much fun to have you and chat with you. Thanks for dressing like that. I appreciate y'all having me every time. You really let me shine and do what I do best by dressing like an I don't know what. He's at Lil Bro on Twitter. It's very hard to spell, but he's so funny. I'll spell it out for you. At L-I-L-B-R-O-U-G-H.

He spells bro with three silent letters at the end. Because he loves his fans. You know, I suggested to him a few weeks ago that he change his name to No Fro, because there's already

plenty of littles. You know, the little Wayne, little John. Do you think there's too many littles? You know, the little Wayne, little John. Do you think there's too many littles? You know, the little Romeo, little Lester, little Troy, all the... The thing is this, he couldn't be Big Bro because he clearly abandons children. There you go. Boom! There you go. No doubt about it.

Good one, Benji, good one. By the way, abandoning children to abandoning mothers in wheelchairs. Mario Ramon LA was Mario Ramon's Twitter handle, by the way. I forgot to get that out earlier. That's at Mario Ramon LA. If you want to send him a tweet, you listeners out there that aren't here live with us. Right? There it was.

Was that what that finger up was about? Was that that thing originally? Oh, okay. Forget it, Mario. Forget it. All right. That's weird. A friendly black guy who goes to church?

Never heard of that. Sarcasm. Usually it's just for funerals. All friendly black guys go to church, just so you guys know. Heck yeah. Mario's only been here a few weeks. Do you guys remember what your first comedy sets were like? I ran the light.

What were you talking about? Anything terrible? Yeah. Oh, man. I fucking bombed hard. I remember making fun of you, didn't I? Yeah, when I first started coming around. We're like best friends now, but I used to really.

I left damn near in tears one night because I had this Mexican belt, and you said it looked like a WWE belt. Because it had the big Mexican belt buckle. Can I say it was like made of Adobe or something? Yeah, Adobe or some shit. Like Rey Mysterio. Like he just went in on me. Rey Mysterio.

And I went in the car and I took the fucking belt off before I drove home. I'm like, I don't even want to be wearing this shit. And we ended up being good friends after that shit oh that is so fucking awesome i remember that shit wow i'm gonna bring that belt around again have you signed it mother i just picture it right exactly i just picture it like the belt sitting on your passenger seat and you're driving home you're like a red light just looking at it i'll pop the trunk of that shit away rolled it up nice put it in put it where like the spare tire is just i don't ever want to see you again bill I popped the trunk of that shit away, rolled it up nice. Put it where the spare tire is. I don't ever want to see you again, Bill.

I remember that first set, though, man. Fucking bombed hard, man. I was talking about how my dad set me up on a blind date. It was a physical joke. My dad set me up on a blind date, and he told me that her waist was like this. And when I got there, her waist was elbow this and when I got there it was like her waist was elbow to elbow. Fucking same response.

You know what I mean? You know what I mean? It was just... And I'm thinking in my head like I'm going to kill him with this shit. They got to see their hands just right.

I even leaned in a little bit so they could see it. Fuck no. One of the first times I went up actually saying like Beatles covers and then in between I would tell really awful one-liner jokes. Can you give us an example of one of the first times I went up I actually sang like Beatles covers and then in between I would tell really awful one-liner jokes. Can you give us

an example of one of the awful one-liner jokes? I love the bad stuff. Oh, it was right when Sierra Mist was coming out and I was like, Sierra Mist? That sounds like a lesbian porn. See, exactly. It just sounded awful. I love how fast you said Sierra Mist. Does Sierra Mist sound like a dyke porn star?

Sierra Mist? No? Well, that was the joke, and it didn't work. And I was trying to be cool and artsy and singing songs and telling one-liners, so I was wearing a cool hat and sunglasses, and then I was so devastated afterwards that I did something similar. I actually threw the hat away. And I stopped singing for people.

You put that in a trash can, and you put to rest that character one day. Yes. And imagine as bad as that joke is, in between, you've got to hide

your love away by the Beatles. It was just the worst thing you could put people through and that was what I was trying to do. That hat you threw away,

wait a second, what was the one little bro was wearing? Was that a beige? He found it. Anyway, let's keep this fun train moving along. This is so fun.

Your next comedian goes by the name of Eric Carter. Oh, shit. Eric Carter. The Mississippi assassin. Giddy up. I'm sorry for this song. Now, what the hell happened to the Oak Ridge boys?

I mean, I really had my hopes up coming out to Vidalia, and I came up with some queer shit. And speaking of queers, I got to Hollywood today from Orange County, and the first two things I see are two broads kissing and some of those Jews with the hats of sideburns. And me being an entrepreneur that I am, I'm going to open me up a bar on Sunset and call it Dykes and Kikes. I was feeling jungle fever the other day

I've dated a lot of black girls So I went to blackpeoplemeet.com But instead of meeting black girls I got my identity stolen I gave a second shot with J-Date, but I gave up on them because they didn't offer a free trial. Okay.

Alright. Give it up for the Ku Klux comedy of Eric Carter, everybody. Fuck yeah. You are one white hood away from being huge in very small circles in the South. I mean, holy shit. Hold on, hold on, hold on.

I've seen you a couple times. Tommy just called. He said he's passed. Oh, you son of a bitch. It must have been that last joke, you know, my joke. What? The J-Day joke.

You're putting the name up right now, god damn it. God damn. I love what you do, bro. I talked to you earlier. You're from Alaska, aren't you? I'm from Los Angeles. Oh, Los Angeles. Never mind.

Beverly Hills and Alaska are so close, yet so far. That's great, dude. The whole southern accent and the racism, I think it works. That's what we want to see, right? I mean, ask them. I'm just picking. Like, I'm Jewish, and I wasn't offended by that. Are there any dykes here?

Any dykes? Whoa, guy. No there any dykes here? Any dykes? Whoa, guy. No? How about queers? Any gay people? What else was in that? You said black girls, but then you said identity stolen. That's not even a black girl thing.

Make me break a sweat. God damn. Black girls don't do that. Well. That's like a totally incorrect stereotype, right? Black people, black girls steal. They can steal. But they don't steal identity. That's not identity. incorrect stereotype, right? Black people, black girls steal. They can steal. But they don't steal identity.

It's not identity. Right. I see. Oh, he's right. I mean, like, you know, like drinks at a nightclub or something. I don't know. Huh. Any black women here?

Okay. Now, you made me racist. Your racism is rubbing off on me. It's so powerful. All of a sudden, I'm like fighting my hand. Wait a second. No. Eric, are some of those your real thoughts?

You don't have any hatred for anyone, do you? No, that's just for shits and giggles. I think it's more for shits than giggles. Do you have a burning cross emoji somewhere on your phone? He sends racist stuff to his white southern friends

with burning cross emojis and nooses and shit. Little mini nooses, no. Have you ever known anybody that was in the Klan? You're from Mississippi. No, this is actually a true story. How long have you been here from Mississippi? I've been here for two months. Have you met Jews?

Yes. Jews are the ones that got me into comedy. Of course. Of course. What Jews got you into comedy? It was Rich Aronovich, Robert Wiseman, that masturbator from last week. It was that open. But y'all two, remember, y'all wasn't here and and some other jewish guys are

in hermosa beach are you happy doing comedy in la or do you find that maybe your southern brand of racism would maybe not you know because i do a lot i've done a lot of racist stuff and i find people aren't into it here like are you cool with that no i mean like i just gave it a shot i mean it's for shits and giggles. And to be honest with you, a true story, my family's fought the Klan for two generations. They fought the Klan? Yeah, my dad and my grandfather have. Fuck yeah.

No, my grandfather was a supervisor. First, I hired African Americans on the staff, and one of them now is running the county and everything. Did they fight the Klan by offering them lemonade and banana bread? No. Yeah, how did they fight the Klan? Well, my great-grandfather... I'm a sixth-generation Mississippian. Bought up all the white sheets in the town or something?

No, well, my great-grandfather was raising a black girl. She's still alive to this day. She lives back in Mississippi. And he was the man of public office. He was the supervisor. Of what? What was he the supervisor of? The supervisor of Forest County. Doing the roads and all that right county supervisor thank you and six clansmen and i heard this from the black lady herself very sweet lady showed up to my great-grandfather's doorstep

and told her you know hand over the child and the reason they didn't kill him because he was a had a public office came from a big family and my great-grandfather took the stand, got the gun out, saying if I catch you on my property, catch you near this girl, you know, you're dead. Why was your family raising a young black girl in Mississippi? I mean, I don't know the full story. I mean, polio was high at the time. What? Okay, let's all be honest.

She wasn't a slave, was she? He's like trying to look like a philanthropist, and he just comes from a long line of slave owners. We took black a slave, was she? He's like trying to look like a philanthropist and he just comes from a long line of slave owners. We took black people in, people. Everybody hates you now. No, nobody hates you. I love you. You did the open mic the other day and I praised you.

I think what you're doing is funny. Tonight was an extra racist set though. I mean, you came right out of the gates with queers. I saw poor Mario Ramon almost curl into a ball up there when you said queers like you did. So disappointed. I heard his mom

cussing from the front patio. Anyway, you know, you just gotta be careful when you throw around words, you know what I mean? Like, kikes. It wasn't out of hatred. I'm sorry. It's a fine line, but I mean, hey, it depends on what you want to do. You could be the

fucking Larry the Hate Guy. You know what I mean? I think it's dope. I think it's funny, but you will get in trouble, and you will have people who judge you and really think that you're... And also, I've done a lot of racist stuff, and I've got to tiptoe around every racist joke

to make sure it doesn't come across hateful. Sometimes it does. Sometimes actual racist people like your jokes, and then you're like, no, these jokes are not for the racist. Can I make one thing clear, literally? There was nothing hatred behind that. I was all just trying to show it. Please.

Thank you. I needed that from Georgia. Heck yeah. There you go. You can have your own little confederate union over there. There you go. Eric Carter, everybody. I call me. It's like the second or third time he's been on this show.

He's fresh off the Mississippi boat. Always fun. It's exciting. We're meeting some fun, interesting... Everybody's so different. I mean, definitely some differences between Eric Carter and

Keith Sewell, everybody. Here he is. Folks, hey. Hey. I feel like this would be the audition of whether or not you make it to heaven or hell or not it's like Jesus is in the corner like he's in

let him in I don't know Halloween time a kid came to my house this weekend and he had the scariest costume of all he was dressed as an online bank account I got scared as shit cause no one likes shaking them that's the scariest moment as soon as you press

okay you're like, ah! Overdraft. I don't know. That's funny. You guys are just rich. That's why it's not funny. You're like, I love looking at it. It's my favorite part of the day. I don't know.

I realize we need to get rid of nice people. Nice people are horrible. I don't mean nice people like, oh, we need to get rid of nice people. Nice people are horrible. Like, I don't mean nice people like, oh, someone brought cookies for today's podcast. I mean nice people like, oh, I'm not going to tell you you have a booger on your nose. Nice, because I don't want to embarrass you. Like, we need more assholes, right? Like, Jesus Christ was a real-life asshole. You know what I mean?

Like, who goes in and is like, yo, y'all are going to believe in me then I'm going to die and come back. Who says that? Jesus does. Here you go. That was for you, man. Started with Jesus, ended with Jesus. Did I make it? It was a resurrection of Jesus jokes

at some point during that. Some could say a callback. Fuck yeah. Alright. Hell yeah. Keith's soul. I dig it. This is funny. It is sort of like an audition for heaven or hell, right? Jesus is in one corner

and the Iron Patriot is in the other. You're either going to end up one way or the other. Alright. They're going to end up one way or the other. With a fucked up beard. All right. I really like the bank statement one, you know, the overdraft charges and stuff. You could even probably even say, you know,

you saw different other ideas like that, you know, like whatever, fucking a cell phone contract or something, you know, shit like that. You could actually add some other shit to that. Maybe maybe you never want to get aids tested you never want to get your check your bank statement i actually said that to my dad once i don't like checking my bank account either i'm not like poor but like it still makes me nervous and he like shamed me for it and he was like i check my bank account every day you know what i mean wow but that's because he has expenses and he has to make sure I'm not getting ripped off by this person or this account adds up with that one. So when I told him

I'm scared, he was like, you better check your shit every day and make sure. Do you? I don't, but I always check it and I look at everything like a crazy person and I make sure everything I get charged for is cool. It brings back, like, I don't want to see what I bought.

How much money do you have in your bank account? Right now, just enough to pay rent. So it's just scary, pure scary. Because I would check my bank account more when I had less money just because for that very reason where it's like, it's shit about to get super real. Right.

Whereas now, I'm just more like, it's shit about to get almost super real. Yeah, I'm always'm just more like, this shit about to get almost super real. Yeah, I'm always very weird about that. Sometimes I want to... I don't know. Sometimes you just don't know. It's very... It's very... That is a whole thing. Sometimes I want

a receipt, sometimes I don't. Like the ATM or whatever. Or even when I'm just making deposits at the bank. Sometimes I want to feel really good about things or I just don't want to know what I spent because I remember the last time and I know I didn't buy anything big so if I look at my account and it's a lot less

that means I'm just daily fucking being disgusting, which I am. I eat a lot of sushi. The worst is the statements now have like shit like oh you spent last month you spent $5,000 on just parking. They categorize. What the fuck?

Yeah. When I make a deposit, I don't even ask for a receipt. I know they can see the balance, but I'm like, don't give me the receipt. I don't know if you could see my fucking account on the other end, but just in case.

Because when they rip the receipt, they look at that shit, man. It's like, hey, don't look at it. I always wonder what they can see. It's embarrassing. It doesn't come in. You put in $200, but you only have $100 once you put it in. Right.

And then a week from now, you get another $100. It's like, fuck, man. You know, I go to a more boutique bank now, and they don't fuck with me as much. Boutique bank? I'm serious. Bank of America, Wells Fargo, Citibank have all fucked me over with shady fees, and now I just go to a kind of smaller bank.'m serious like bank of america wells fargo city bank have all fucked me over with shady fees and now i just go to like a kind of smaller bank what's the bank i go to city national wow there's only like i don't know what's your routing number point is point is is like i

don't deal with any shady stuff there's always like at least one person there you act who actually knows you and you can talk to them when things go wrong yeah that's all where's city banking yeah what that's all good until every Citibank... Yeah, what? That's all good until every single ATM in the world, you get charged because there's no of your bank ATMs anywhere. That does suck. That does suck, but... That's how they make up for all these extra charges.

But nothing pisses me off more when those banks take your money and you know it's not fucking fair and there's just nothing you can do about it. And these banks, I'd rather spend the five bucks here and there to use an ATM than to like... Like one time B of A closed my account because they saw there was shady activity and i was like oh yeah those weren't my charges thank you for cutting my account like shutting it down they're like here we're giving your money back and then two months later they're like we reviewed

everything and actually there's no proof you didn't do this and then they took the money back again so i'm like you guys were the ones who knew that my bank account was compromised and now you're saying it wasn't. And that was my final, I was like, done. So now I'm with a small bank. When they close your account, when you fly to a different state and you use it and they close you off, they can't

believe that you're in another state with the amount of money that you have. It's like, really? You shouldn't be in fucking Tennessee with 300 bucks. We're going to close this shit down. Stay in California, fucker. That's hilarious. Thanks. Do you have the blue ATM card, the blue chase card?

No. Who are you with? It's SunTrust. It's in Florida. Whoa. Whoa, buddy. Get out of there. I don't trust that at all. Florida. Sun, buddy. Get out of there. Son, I don't trust that at all. Yeah, I don't trust that.

Florida. Son, no trust. Spending all your money on bath salts and crocodile, dude. Yeah. Dude, that credit card's what's holding you back. You got to get a fucking California debit card. Go with Chase. It's run out of Chicago.

They're powerful. Should we open a Chase account the same day? Remember when we got the cards in the mail? We were all excited at fucking Saddle Ranch buying quesadillas. That's right. We were. We really did. Yeah, we were excited, man.

Jesus and I both went from completely broke as fuck to having a little bit of money at the exact same time. And we bought quesadillas with the fucking first transaction on the card. A steak, right? A steak, yeah. We bought a steak. Feeling all guilty and shit. I do. I remember feeling guilty

even though I had it and everything. God. Dude, this comedy shit's no bullshit. Spend your money until you're broke. That's what I say. It'll come or it won't. You're not going to end up poor because you spent more money on dinner.

You're just not. I'm totally a believer in pay whatever it takes to eat You're not going to end up poor because you spent more money on dinner. You're just not. You're going to end up poor because that's what's going to happen. I'm totally a believer in pay whatever it takes to eat whatever you want, and then you'll be able to make the money that you need to make because you enjoyed that meal so much. I believe in that whole fucking – and some people are like, you're a moron. Eat this peanut butter and jelly sandwich and go to your minimum wage job. And it's like, no, that's the backwards theory of it. Yeah, you eat poor people food, you'll be poor. Your body's like, oh, we're poor? Tell the brain we're poor not to figure

it out. There you go. If you eat rich people food, your body will be like, oh, we're rich. Cool, let's ride this. Let's ride this out. I totally fucking... Does anybody else believe in that? Yeah. Let's all go out for steaks right now then. Come on. Fuck yeah. Let me say something else. Let me say something to him.

Let me say, you know that part of the joke you were talking about the booger on the nose. I was, a couple weeks ago, I was around someone on a job that had severe halitosis.

Now, what do you do in that situation? Because that's a hard thing to tell someone. But their future interactions with people are going to be very bad

if you don't tell them. What about you, Jesus? Would you tell that guy he had a problem? Jesus. Jesus. Yeah, it's too hard. I was thinking I should, but it's just, what about you? Would you have the gut to tell him?

You pull a piece of gum out and then you chew it and then they'll ask, hopefully. This is beyond gum. There's no gum couldn't. It was gingivitis. Who were you hanging out with that had halitosis this bad? Well, it was on the set of Parks and Recreation. I don't want to say his name. You don't say that they have halitosis.

They know their breath is bad. No, he didn't know. He didn't know. It was like two separate times. He did not know. But he has a disease of bad breath. That's what halitosis is. That's like handing someone with eczema lotion. It's like, look, I got a problem. I know. It's like, doesn't. No, he wasn't aware of it. I mean, he didn't. I don't think he knew.

Well, maybe he just ate some good ass last night. Are you saying? It's just, if you got gingivitis, you gotta go to the dentist and they gotta scrape back your gums and do surgery. It's not gonna, no matter how much flossing or whatever you do, it's not gonna get cured until you go to the dentist. Oh my God. Patriots, shut up. Hold on a second.

This halitosis conversation, where is this even coming from right now? He said, look it on the nose. Remember that part of your joke? You were talking about you don't say something when somebody's a, you know, he knows. That's a stretch. I love it. Keith,

thank you so much. You're not on Twitter Keith? Too good for Twitter? You also worked at the La Jolla Comedy Store Is that right? That's how I know you Jesus And you've been going back and forth From LA and San Diego doing comedy?

Not much I try to stay here You're staying here now? For how long? I've been here for about a year now Nice Shit I totally forgot about you working at La Jolla I'll try to stay here. You're staying here now? For how long? I've been here for about a year now. Nice. Shit, I totally forgot about you working at La Jolla. Yeah, you already let me open up. It was like my second week there.

That was fun, right? A lot of San Diego comedians. The scene in San Diego. After L.A., New York, Chicago, I wouldn't be surprised if San Diego has the most comedy. Well, I'd probably go with Seattle or San Fran first. Oh, yeah, San Fran. But San Diego's up there, surprisingly.

I guess that's my point. Seattle has an amazing club that I got to go to. The Parlor Live. So much fun. Thanks, Keith. You've been there? Thanks, Keith. Keith Stoll.

Keith, get on Twitter. Be a professional. Get into show business, Keith. Get on Twitter. You're not in San Diego anymore. Welcome to Hollywoodland, kid. You're not in San Diego anymore. Welcome to Hollywoodland, kid. You're going to be a star. Put your hands together for Leah Kayajanian.

Wow, that's a hell of a life's name. Kayajanian. Kayajanian. Kayajanian. What's up? How's it going? I have a lot. That was nice? How's it going? Yeah.

I have a lot. That was nice. I have a lot of tattoos, like stupid ones. Like the very first one I got, I got my favorite band's logo tattooed on my back the day I turned 18. And I was so excited. I was like, never going to regret this ever. And my boyfriend at the time was sitting by me like, oh, baby, you look so hot. Can't wait to take you out to the country and finger you a little too roughly

because I don't know any better. Ah ha! Just a little moment. Now I'm 31. I know exactly how I like to be fingered. With a dick. And I have a Foo Fighters tattoo on my back.

So that's where I'm at, you guys. That's where I am. I also have this on my arm. Veritas. It means truth. And I was at a bar one time. A guy came up to me and was like, hey, do you have the word fajitas tattooed on your arm? Yeah. Because I love fajitas.

I don't like to speak when I order, though. So I just got to be all like, chicken. Chicken. Hilarious. Where are you from? Where'd you come from? Oklahoma. You shamed me

when I first moved here. How long ago was that? Two years ago. I was hosting in the original room. He's a TV star now. So that's good. So I should be happy about that. Benji, you burn a lot of people hosting too, right?

You burn me too, but not as hard as he did. What did I say? Do you remember? It was just perfect because it was like a room. And I was like an asshole. And I did like a new bit that I was working out. And they hated me. And then you just walked up and you just said,

that's just what we call had to be there comedy. The whole room. Like the biggest laugh of the night. And I just slowly. I made myself stay there for 10 minutes. I was like, no, I gotta go. What did I do? I like you. I think you're funny.

This is very funny. You weren't like this that night that I made fun of you. I bombed and I felt it already. I've never shamed you. You haven't shamed me, I've never shamed you. You haven't shamed me, Benji. You've just said stuff about women's vaginas.

You know how every time a woman goes up, they're like, feminine energy. You guys ever hear that? Listen to her vagina as she walks up. I like looking at girls, the whole thing, being close to them. I can't help but call myself out on it. That's cool. It's just a weird sort of... Because I don't think of myself like,'m a woman comedian here i go with my you are you're a cute girl you're a full-blown girl thanks man yeah full-blown girl full-blown i got there she

broke out in that armenian right yes i'm armenian why is an armenian in oklahoma i don't know um my mom moved me there i'm from massachusetts that's where I was born. So we moved there. I was like the only one. I told my friend I was Armenian when I met her, and she goes, shut up. That's not a thing. I swear to God, that was the first thing one of my friends said. Yeah, I didn't know about Armenians when I very first moved here. Yeah, they don't have them in Ohio.

Yeah, they don't. I mean, I basically was white, and then I moved here, and everybody was like, oh, like weirdly racist to me. Because of your last name. Yes, finally not't. I mean, I basically was white, and then I moved here, and everybody was like, oh, like, weirdly racist to me. Because of your last name. Yes, finally not white. Thank God. Well, you're super white Armenian. Are both of your parents Armenian?

Yes. Armenians were raped by the British, am I right? And that's why a lot of them are light-skinned. Yeah, they were colonized. Weren't they, like, colonized by? There's, like, a lot of light-skinned Armenians with, like, blue eyes and shit. Yeah, I mean, they're just.

The Brits got up in it, I'm pretty sure. Well, I'm sure they got up in everything. I mean, that's the story of the Brits. I love Armenian people. They're hardworking. They're smart. There's a lot of successful Armenians. I'll take it. I'm a big fan. System of a Down, Andre Agassi,

Zanku, Cher, there's other ones too Oh the Kardashians We should just stop this What's next on the big Cab drivers I know I've also I have a property management

Or real estate management background So I know the best AC guys are Armenians The best electricians They're hard working people The best lead singers of System of a Down are Armenian. All of System of a Down is Armenian. They all went to an Armenian school in Glendale. There's an Armenian high school there.

Chavo Armenian? Yeah. Jesus. A guy named Chavo Armenian? Love Armenians. Do you remember in Ohio when we first started getting Mexicans? We had no Mexicans in where I lived, and then we started getting a couple, and everyone was scared of them. Oh, yeah. We had no idea

what the fuck they were. We're good people, man. You would have thought an alien landed in Ohio, and people are like, that's Pablo. He's alright. Yeah, it was so weird. Mexicans, Jews, and Armenians kind of keep LA running in terms of our hard work. The rest of you don't

do much. Preach. Yeah, it's true. Jews and Armenians kind of keep LA running in terms of our hard work. The rest of you don't do much. Where are you at, everybody? Breach. Yeah, it's true. We're the hardworking ones. The rest of you go in. You've got to catch up. Slow it down, you filth ball.

It's funny because I'm super white and he's super Jewish. Anyway. Do you really have a Foo Fighters tattoo on your back? I really do. I have a Foo Fighters tattoo on really do I have a Foo Fighters tattoo what is it is it like just of the band or something no it's like two F's

two F's and I have three F's on this leg so I have five F's on me oh my god F's just double it says follow Friday on your t-shirt yeah yeah wow it's the cover of the Color in the Shape album I took the cover with me and it's right on it's on your lower back

so you know do most guys like when they're Color in the Shape album. I took the cover with me. It's on your lower back? On my lower back, yeah. Do most guys, when they're with you, are they like, fuck yeah, man, I didn't even know that, but this is even hotter than I thought. I love the Foo Fighters. Do they come right next to the FF and they're like, fuck yeah, hashtag that shit.

No, they just come right inside me. Everybody. Yeah, Fuck yeah! Bling bling bling bling bling bling bling Are you on birth control? But I don't really let everybody come in. I mean, like, everybody. Who am I having sex with? I would think Fudge

Factory. I wouldn't even think Fear Factory. Or whatever the fuck it is. Fear Factory. Fear Factory. Foo Fighters. Fear Factory. Fuck yeah. She should get a round of applause. She just said she's on birth control and she's negotiating when she should get Cayman or not. Yeah, but her next thing is she's going to be like, and I have a boyfriend, and it's going to kill everything. No, I hate men.

That's fine. You have a boyfriend? No. Oh, she's a lesbian. No, I'm not a lesbian. She's not a lesbian. No, she was very angry about men. That's all.

I understand. It's not your fault. Well, it's my fault. They've hurt you. I understand. It's not your fault. Well... It's my fault. They've hurt you. You've been hurt by men? Yeah. When they were hosting the open mic.

Now it's real hot up here. What? No, no. I don't care about that. You're very, very funny, Leah. Thanks for being on the show. Yeah! At Leah KJ.

That's L-E-A-H-K-A-Y-J-A-Y. K and J are spelled out on Twitter at Leah KJ. That's L-E-A-H-K-A-Y-J-A-Y. K and J are spelled out on Twitter at Leah KJ. Leah KJ. There you go. Like Leah. Fuck. I'm hurt by men. Yeah.

Yeah, it seems that way. Have you been hurt by girls? I've been hurt by girls. Well, you know, I feel like that first big one, you're hurting each other and you don't even know it. And there's, and then they're just like, we're, you know, that first big one.

Cause you're passionate because yeah, you are feeling emotions for the first time that you don't know, aren't right. Like jealousy and like all that. So you're being sort of jealous that first roundabout. I always feel like the first one could have always ended up differently. And that is, and that is the big initially, the most powerful one, right?

I mean, that's the one that sort of decides how your outlook on women is going to be forever is your first love. And I feel like both sides fuck up because chicks are sort of naturally like, they want to... Yeah, a young man is just as scared as a young girl. Right. And then there's so much pressure on the young man is just as scared as a young girl. Right. And then there's so much pressure on the young man to figure it out,

but they're both just as scared, and then everything gets fucked up. Yeah. And then you go to college, and then you walk into her dorm room, and there's six black guys coming on her face. No, that went nowhere. Okay, good. Yep. Do we have time for one more?

Oh. Whoa, did I just get burned by my own head of security? It's hard when you lose your woman and then you're thinking about it with another guy. It's tough. It's not easy to think about that. Yeah, the first time I had sex was in a church. Really? Yep.

Wow. With a priest? The first time without a rubber. I did it with a rubber the first time, and then without a rubber the first time was in a church, in one of the Bible classes that they have, Bible class before they go in the sanctuary. Wow.

How old were you? 18. How old was the priest? What was his name? It was a girl named Sarah. Girl named Sarah. Where did you finish in Bible study? Did you pull out or? You come on the Torah?

I pulled out and ran in the bathroom. You ran in the bathroom while you were coming? No, no. I just made sure I didn't do it in her. Where did you finish? I just went in the didn't do it in her. Where did you finish? I just went in the bathroom and cleaned off. Wow. Imagine being so scared of getting someone pregnant that you run into the other

room to come. Was she old enough to be pregnant? Cup in his right hand trying to catch him. When I first time I did it with the rubber with the peel on the banana, I thought this is okay. But the first time I did it without the peel on the banana, I said, oh, this is good. Sometimes the honesty comes through all those layers of armor, Patriot. All right.

Well, fuck. Yeah. We've come to the part of the show where we have two regulars who we always have close it out. They've been with us for 22 episodes now. And in no particular order, here we go again. Always here with the new

60 Seconds. Put your hands together for a very, very funny. Her name is Kimberly Congdon, everyone. Easy from my window, two streets below on a pressure phone, time tracks no. What's up, guys? So I'm still trying to learn. I'm still trying to figure out the kind of guy I want to date.

Because I figured out that I can't date thugs anymore. You know? Because it always ends up the same way. It's like, I always hear the same words. It's always like, uh, baby, uh, I think, I think we need to take a break. And fuck it, we're going to take the steering wheel and the rims too.

Let's go run. It's not good. And like, I also have like a small fetish for guys in wheelchairs. And I don't, I don't, I don't want them to be retarded or anything. I just don't want their legs to work.

I want everything else to work. And I think that'd be great for me too. The perfect guy would be a thug in a wheelchair because then I can still get my shit done. I can work during the day, do comedy at night and still have time for a sex life because we're just rolling around and getting things done at the same time.

And then he'll get tired and he's like, uh, baby, I think we need to take a break. My arms is hurting. Nice. I love the approach. That's great. You have an interesting premise that you're swinging around with there. I think that once you

punch that stuff up, that's some fun stuff. What does he steal in the original thug thing? Because he says, let's take a break, like a car break. And then he's like, fuck it, let's take the steering wheel and the rims too. Have you ever really dated a thug? Yeah. What's like something real that happened that got too thuggy?

Oh, nothing. I mean, not like a thug. Well, it couldn't be no, not nothing. You must have seen something thuggish go on with a thug well I didn't know I was doing it at the time but I drove him to like rob someone oh that's great

that's what we're talking about here you found it and I was just like so naive and stupid I was like nothing's going on we didn't really have to dig too deep after I don't know I don't think I've ever seen anything too thuggish oh I was like, nothing's going on. We didn't really have to dig too deep after. I don't know. I don't think I've ever seen anything too thuggish. Oh, I was once an accessory to...

I actually just did something illegal. The blood only got on me. No, I didn't. I was completely naive. What did you find out? In the car or later? Yeah, in the car. When he was like, go. What the fuck is going on? That's so much... What did he steal

money drugs no he just took yeah money from someone took money money back from someone

you should think of something other than you should think of something other than break though because you don't really steal breaks

who does that yeah I did I didn't you lost me could maybe off a Porsche was he good in the sack? And I think there's also something in the wheelchair thing, but I don't know about the rolling

around getting shit done, but there's definitely something funny about that. There's something there about a thug in a wheelchair. He has rims on his wheelchair or something. I've been sitting on 22s for a wheelchair. Like he has like rims on his wheelchair. I did really have a thing for guys in wheelchairs for a while. Boy, are my arms tired.

He has some badass fucking biceps and shit. Two wheels. Every time he picks you up for dinner, it takes eight hours. How come we can't eat here? Fucking, they don't have wheelchair access. You have a ramp on your bed. Well, I was going to say something about reverse cowgirls just sitting on his lap.

Right. That's great. You get to the front of the line every time at amusement parks. That's why you kept him around for Disneyland. That's good. But a thug in a wheelchair is really vulnerable to getting his Timberlands stolen.

And I wouldn't say, even though I'm not normally the word Nazi, I will say that I think there's something about the word retarded that you don't need to say there. Yeah. You don't even need to say it. You don't have to acknowledge. Well, I figure. Just say that I just want his legs to work.

Okay. Something like that. Just. You don't have to acknowledge. Well, I figured... Just say that I just want his legs to work. Okay. Something like that. Just get right to the point to where... Cool. Because the word retarded, it just gets people thinking. Yeah. It's just like too much. If there's not really a purpose behind the actual word retarded or something...

Yeah, people get mad. That's our word. You can't say that. Fuck yeah. All right. But overall, really great job as always. Thank you. She comes up with a new 60 seconds every week, everybody.

Now, I heard earlier that you changed your Twitter handle. No, I changed it right back after you made fun of me. You changed it back to Kimberly Congdon. You change people's lives by making fun of them. Hey, who would have thought that I just keep making people's lives better while getting other people to laugh at them? I feel like I do need to figure something out because my last name is too hard to spell.

It's C-O-N-G-D-O-N. Can I give you some advice? Deal with it now because I have the weirdest last name and now I feel like I'm in too deep and I can't change it. So if you have the opportunity to change it, just do it and get it over. I'm a big believer with my 11-letter letter long last name, Hinchcliffe. I'm a big believer in get so good that they want to know how to spell your name and that they'll take pride in knowing how to spell your name. That's real.

And if you get to that point, then it doesn't matter what the fuck it's spelled like. He's told me to change my name. Here's what you do. The word awful is in your last name. It's like a flaw low. It's like it's weird. There's something weird about it. Yeah, you need to change yours.

Here's what you do. You change it to whatever you want. Then you get a second account, take your old name, and say, this is my new account. But you have to grab the old account so that if you say on a podcast or you've told people in the past,

you'll still be able to go there and go, oh, she has a new account now. So if you're going to change your name, make sure you're there on your computer with another browser open, just has a new account now. Oh, right. So if you're going to change your name, make sure you're there on your computer with another browser open, just ready to grab it back. Gotcha. Cool.

There she goes, Kimberly Congdon. Thank you. Follow her on Twitter at Kimberly Congdon. Kimberly with a K, Congdon with a C. Our other super regular, always the new 60 Seconds, always fun with Sarah Mostajavi, everybody. Sarah!

Oh, everybody. Sarah! Oh, shit. Hey, Jimmy, make a hot Poseidon or whatever the fuck you're trying to do. What? Oh, God. I keep hearing, I've been doing a lot of mics lately, and I keep hearing guys say that they think girls don't like dick pics. Do you guys really think that girls don't like dick pics? Let me just tell you. It's fucking amazing.

Like, please. I love having something to talk about with my sisters at one point. I gotta tell you, send me your little fucking pink pancake or rolled up little wet newspaper. What the fuck you got going on down there? I wanna see it. It's like a fucking train wreck. It's a

car wreck on the freeway. You're driving by hoping nobody's hurt, but when you get there, you hope that it curves to the left or there's a little pimple or hair. Please. It's amazing. Send your dick pics. They are great. They are great. I keep saying this. I know I don't want to stick with me, but

alright, I'm going to end it there. I'm going to end it right there. Okay, great. There you go. Sarah must be jobby. Hell yeah. I want to ask you guys something because you know... You're questioning us? Okay, great. Go right ahead.

Because you know you guys have been doing this to me since the beginning. Is it super normal that you get to a point where I don't – oh, yeah. Did you just show me your cock? Yes. God, that shit is so weird looking. Oh, man.

You have to show girls that and hope that they put it near their body. That is what you have to live with. It's not my real cock pic. Yeah, there's no way he would ever show you a picture of his real penis right now. I know. I probably wouldn't be able to see that from here. It's my fake one. Okay. Anyway. No way he would ever show you a picture of his real penis right now. I know, I probably wouldn't be able to see that from here. It's my fake one. Okay, anyway.

No, I wanted to ask you guys. Okay, so what's your immediate question after this time? No, I really, really... Do you guys get to this point where, I don't know, you're kind of like turned down and you have a hard time writing? Like you just get like super turned down? You really have a hard time? What do you mean by turned down?

Like turned down, like kind of, not like depressed, but just like you fall out of that like vibe where you're like in the pocket and you just have a hard time like reaching what makes things funny. Like you think of premises that are good. Are you asking us if sometimes it gets hard? Well, I mean, is it? Like, like, is it hard to do stand up comedy every single night and make a career out of it no that's not what I meant turn down what does that mean then again no I just mean does your mood ever affect your writing

like really heavily to the point where it's everything affects your writing it sucks and it just like fucks with you cause this is the first time and I've been doing this for a few months this is like the first like maybe last week I have like some personal shit or whatever and I just people doing this for a few months. This is like the first, like last, maybe last week where I have like some personal shit or whatever and I just.

People are sending you dick pics. And they're not. Why don't you talk about your personal shit? Why would you talk about. Because it's like every time I talk about personal stuff here, it's like too depressing. So make it funny.

Right. Yeah. Yeah. All right. Yeah. Write jokes, homie. Yeah. It's fun.

I mean, it's an interesting topic. If you ask yourself more questions on why you would actually want dick pics, I think that you would be... I think it's great. I really am. It's like every guy wants to see every girl naked. It's the same with girls.

I want to see every... I just want to see both. I just want to see everything that you have. If there's a naked person, you're going to look. Even if it's gross, you're going to be like, oh, man, look at it. But, you know, right? Yeah. Just think of ten things you want to say about, you know what I mean?

It's not enough just to have an opinion. Like, I like dick pics. And just calling it, like, a wet newspaper. Like, that's funny. Like, that's one I haven't heard, wet newspaper. But you won't want that to be the centerpiece of the joke. You need real perspective behind why you want dick pics.

Whose dick do you want to see? Why do you want to see dick pics? Right. There you go. Sarah Dresses on Twitter. With no H. S-A-R-A Dresses. Always fun. Always entertaining. What do you guys got coming up that you want to promote? We have Halloween. We're going to be in San Diego the 31st

with a super special crazy secret guest. If any of you are anywhere around San Diego on the 31st, be at the American Comedy Company. I'm at the Dark Comedy Fest November 5th through the 10th in Toronto with Dave Attell, Brody Stevens, the Iron Sheik, Gilbert Gottfried.

Congratulations. That's so cool, dude. That's the coolest shit ever. Super excited. Dark comedy. I get to be as dirty and crazy as I want. That's a fucking dream. That's awesome. How about you guys? What's happening? The big NACA thing.

You're doing colleges all around the country. Give it up for Jesus. He just booked the biggest thing. Every comedian tries to get it. Yeah, I'm excited. That's the 2014 Keep Calm and Come Over Tour. That's all I can say as of now. But the 30th to the 3rd, I'll be in an El Paso comic strip.

I'll be down there with Rusty Dooley. I'm really excited to work with him again. And then I'll be at Magoobie's in Minneapolis, I think. Fuck yeah. Benji? I have absolutely nothing going on, guys. I think I'm going to Fun Fun Fun Fest in austin which is in a couple weeks i don't know if i'm going to get on stage i'm kind of going just to help someone with their web series

awesome so hopefully i'll be able to get on stage there and that's all that's awesome they're at benji aflalo and at jesus trejo on twitter that's trejo t-r-e-j-o aflalo a-f-l-a-l-o iron patriot is the Comic Patriot On Twitter at Comic Patriot Always retweeting and messaging And being basically one of our heads of social media Thank you as always Iron Patriot Brian Redband

I'll be in San Francisco November 20th With Dean Del Rey and San Jose December 11th I believe December 11th I'm bringing Death Squad there So listen for announcements. Thank you so much for being here, everybody. Stick around. The Ding Dong Show is next at 10 o'clock with Don Barris.

Yeah! I want to drive you through the night