KILL TONY - KILL TONY #23

Episode Date: November 24, 2013

Kevin Christy, Jade Catta-Preta, Iron Patriot, Tony Hinchcliffe, Sara Mostajabi, Kimberly Congdon, Brian Redban – Date: 11/04/2013 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Brian, and you're listening to Kill Tony here at Death Squad. Please subscribe to us on iTunes or Stitcher. Just search for Death Squad, hit subscribe, and please rate and review our show. The new Death Squad sticker and the new t-shirt are up at shopsquad.tv. Please check it out. These are limited editions. The sticker is brand new, and this is an awesome high uh high quality sticker this this kind of sticker you put on the back of your car it's not going to like peel off and fade and and all that shit

these uh these are really high quality stickers and the design is very faded so the colors are very muted on this just like the shirt and what's really cool is i have it on the back of my car and then you can barely see it but then you know somebody shines a headlight on it or the sun hits it the right way and you can see it pop out you know and it shows death squad so it's a really cool like ninja sticker so I highly recommend it uh go to shop squad dot tv and the shirts are uh selling very fast so if you haven't picked one of those up yet you better hurry because these are limited edition once they're gone they're gone forever uh There's going to be a couple sizes that are going to be put back into inventory though. I just haven't got around to doing it. So there is some

largest still left and there's still some two XLs I believe left. So look for that to be put back into inventory soon. Also check out DeathSquad.tv for all our tour dates, including December 11th. We're having a huge show. It's a San Jose improv. I don't know if you've ever been there. That place is a fucking monster. It's humongous. I don't know.

It seems like it holds like 700 people there. So this is going to be a big show for us. So please try to make it out there. If you live anywhere near the San Jose improv, it's going to be a dirty show. It's going to be me, Sam Tripoli, Brody Stevens, and we're going to have a bunch of other surprise guests, most likely. So go check that out, December 11th. Go to DeathSquad.tv for your ticket links or go to Improv.com. And if you want to see Kill Tony,

we do this every Monday at the Comedy Store in Hollywood, California. We have Death Squad night. It starts at 8 o'clock with Kill Tony, followed by the Ding Dong Show. Both shows are free. Just go to the Comedy Store's website to reserve your free tickets, or just go to the Comedy Store Monday. Alright, guys. Here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Redman coming to you live from the Comedy Store for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hinchcliffe.

Yay. Hi, everybody. Fuck yeah. Good to be here. Jesus Christ is in the house. Put your hands together for that Hi everybody Fuck yeah, Kill Tony 23

Here we are Times a-flyin' We're over the Halloween madness That we both had I barely have a voice or a liver Or a penis left Halloween was fun San Diego rocked it They bring a voice or a liver or a penis left? Yeah. Halloween was fun. San Diego rocked it.

Yeah. They bring a hell of a party on Halloween. Yeah, that's nuts. Like, I don't know if you guys have ever been down there for, like, Comic-Con or something like that. That's pretty fucking crazy. But when you have all of Comic-Con drunk and in costumes, that shit is fucking insane. That was an insane party. It was.

Doug Benson opened the show. Yeah. It was fun. And then you hung. Doug Benson opened the show. Yeah. It was fun. And then you hung out with Rogan all weekend. Yeah, Irvine. Powerful shows with Joey Diaz. Unbelievable shows in Irvine all weekend. If anybody's listening from Irvine that was there, you know what the fuck went down.

Holy shit. Unbelievable. Saturday night I did two half hours with Rogan and Irvine, and then I drove here for a main room spot. A flu-like Joe Rogan. And so we're going to really test out this vegan diet you have to see if you get his flu. Because he's pretty sick, and I'm sure you shared joints with him. Yeah, I don't have it.

I'm not going to catch a flu. Okay. I'm unfluable. So we'll see what happens next Kill Tony, right? What are you saying? Well, you think that this magical vegan thing, like the cum makes you not get sick. All right, I know what you're doing. You're really rushing into it this week.

Was that all set up just for that? No, but you do say that a lot, though. You're like, I don't get sick because I'm a vegan. You're damn right I don't get sick because I'm a vegan. You're damn right I don't. I drink and I smoke and I don't get sick because I fucking eat the right shit. If you guys want to do it, too, you could fucking not get sick with me. Would you share the same guy? Would you share the same comp?

Let's just... All right, I see what you're doing there. And I see how, since it's so easy to eat meat and dairy, why you guys would turn on me that quickly. With that noise. And I get it. But fuck, man. I don't get sick. I've watched you catch like nine colds since we became hardcore friends a couple years ago.

Yeah, but that's not because of what I eat. It's more because of what I drink. Well, I don't drink as much as you. I kill my immune system with this every night here at the World Famous Comedy Store. I'm telling you, if I had a chicken sandwich tomorrow, I'd get cancer.

I drink coffee, I smoke cigarettes, and then I drink at night almost every single day. It's just one thing I can't do. So fucking tofu for life baby. Thank you.

One person. Turned everybody else against me. Is that the sperm bank? You son of a bitch. You son of a bitch. Unbelievable shows in Irvine. I'm leaving for Toronto tomorrow For an entire week And I'll be back next Monday

Whole week in Toronto That's a long fucking time just to be away from home The Dark Comedy Festival I'm lucky to be part of with Dave Attell And Gilbert Gottfried, Stephen Brody Stevens Big Jay Oakerson And Very excited to be part of that That's always fun Robert Godfrey, Stephen Brody Stevens, Big Jay Oakerson. And very excited to be part of that.

That's always fun. It's their second annual Dark Comedy Fest, so I'm excited to be part of it. But what I'm more excited about is our head of security, who's here every episode. Please put your hands together for the one and only Iron Patriot. Fuck yeah, Patriot. Fuck yeah, Patriot. You're really bringing the energy today. Yeah. How's the week been?

Oh, I went out on Halloween on the boulevard at about five and I got home at nine before it got too crazy. But Red Band, there's something I want to say to you.

Uh-oh. I was noticing on Twitter you had this dolphin outfit that was pretty sexy. Dolphin with pubic hair, yes. Now, yes, it was very interesting looking. Where did you get that? Who made that for you? Pubic hair was from my mom.

No. I just got it off Amazon, man. Like I said, you don't have to leave your house anymore. We have everything you want on your phone. You just go, boop, damn, I have a fucking dolphin outfit coming tomorrow. Oh, I didn't know that was available on Amazon. Yeah, that hat is available on Amazon. Your blow-up doll that you brought the other day that you went to the Glendale Mall.

Well, this was just right down the street, so I didn't need to order it. It's all about Amazon Prime. What's the deal with the hat, Patriot? I got a Western-themed song that I'm going to be doing tonight, and I thought it was appropriate to wear this. He sent me another song. I think this is two weeks in a row. You're getting feisty.

Let me ask you, Tony. Was Joey Diaz on that show too? I thought I saw a tweet. He was on one of the shows on Saturday night, yes. You see how he just changed the subject? I noticed you're friends with Lee Syatt. Did you hang out with Lee or Joey Diaz that night? Of course I hung out with Joey Diaz. joey diaz that night or of course i hung

out with joey diaz we were in the green room together great what's what's he like back there were you smoking a j with him or what were you doing well we were hanging out and he's always hilarious he walked in and immediately started making us laugh joey diaz is a freak of nature if you guys haven't checked him out in every possible format that you can do so, he's probably and I know Joe Rogan agrees with me on this, one of the funniest guys in the world on any given night and he kills all the time. Joey Diaz.

Check out his podcast, Church of What's Happening Now. Also, check out the live one. I was on an episode it was one of the funniest podcasts I've ever been on on the Church of What's Happening Now live. We just did a live show. Oh, cool. So fucking dirty.

He's at MadFlavor on Twitter, so you can keep following up with him on everything. What do you like about, how do you know Joey Diaz? How do you know about that? I've listened to him, his podcast. Before he had the Church of What's Happening Now, what was that lady he did one with? I can't remember her name.

Felicia Michaels. Yeah, yeah, I used to listen. Felicia Michaels. Yeah, yeah. I used to listen to that one before. Beauty and the Beast. Anyway, Patriot, what's up with the hat? I'm ready to do the song when you are. It's Long-Legged Woman. All right.

So you keep sending in songs. I never know anything about this until this show's already started and you're wearing something goofy. You're too busy gobbling cum. I'm a triple threat, Tony. Here we go. Long-legged woman, I think, is what it's called.

I guarantee you this is the last week of those jokes. We are not playing this vegan fucking cum game every Monday. Turn it up a little bit. You have to get sick next week. Do your shit song. You're lip syncing. No, I'm not. She's a long-legged woman But they ain't long enough for me

Well, I think I'm going back there I'm back down to that woman's house And I think I'm gonna ask her I'm gonna ask her to be my star She's got a body that you can't ignore She always keeps me running more And I know Turn it up a little bit

She's a long-legged woman back and I get my kicks for free for free mama she's a long legged woman but they ain't long enough for me Well I don't need no money To check it out and get what I want Cause a crab leg honey Is all I need and it won't be long

Before I look into her eyes Before I touch those brassy thighs And I know She's a long-legged woman That song was going to be 2 minutes and 11 seconds longer, by the way. Had we not stopped it early. 2 minutes and 11 seconds more of that was about to happen. Were we going to miss something, or was there like a nice chorus at the end, or a drum solo

or something? Yeah, it's got a little breakdown where it's just the drums, you know, and I get the whole crowd singing, you know, but, you know. Oh, really? Those were different days back then. The attention span's not as long these days, so. That part was coming up where the whole crowd sings along with it? Yeah, plus it makes no sense in the entire concept of the show

that you'd be doing these songs in the dead center of them. No, no, I appreciate you guys letting me do it. I like how he gets all sensitive in the end. Just happy for the opportunity. Yeah, yeah. You look like such a sad Iron Patriot right now. I could feel you're a little upset right now that we cut it short. No, no, no.

I think the hat just makes him look like a bad boy. I think that's why. Like, I'm a bad boy, you know? Yeah, there's a new sheriff in town, Tony. Oh, my God. You know, there was a female brother that almost denied me on the bus today. I've been riding for four months, and I don't pay, and I usually bring money in case, but

this time I had my hat. I didn't want to bring any money, and I thought, you know, fuck it. They don't ever charge me. This female brother, she got up on me saying, you ain't getting on. Was it the bus driver? Yes. She said, I've seen, you ain't getting on. Was it the bus driver? Yes. She said, I've seen you do this three times before. And she was a black woman.

Yes. She said, where are your money? I said, I don't have it. I said, I don't have pockets. I have a hat in my hand. I'm sorry. Are you sure she was the bus driver? Yeah. She said, next time.

She said, I'll let you go this time. Well, that's nice of her. How much does it cost? It was nice. She let nice of her. How much does it cost? It was nice. She let me go through. How much does that cost? What do you mean, the bus? I think it's $1.50. Can you just maybe next time

just give her $20 and go, this is for the next year? But I don't see the same one every time. I see different drivers. I've seen like 10 or 12 different drivers in the last hour. Have you ever tried to sit down in that suit? Oh, hell no. This thing, this might crack.

This plastic's more thin that's on the butt and the abdomen. It's like an ABS plastic, and I've already had to been fixing it. If I sat down, it'd just fuck it up, man. Not be good. Okay. Well, Patriot, thank you for that song.

Long-legged woman. One more time for the Iron Patriot, everybody. You guys ready to get in the mainframe of this show or what? I have two very exciting guests with me, as always. Here they are, everybody. This lovely young

lady and I started comedy together damn near 7 years ago here at the comedy store and since then we've booked many commercials and TV things and she is always on the hustle and the grind she's the opener nationally

for Bobby Lee and some other amazing comedians put your hands together for my very good friend Jade Catapretta, everybody. And also, the guy that inspired us to start stand-up comedy, Kevin Christie is back. He was on episode 11. Now he's on episode 23.

And they're all here to awkwardly half say hello to both of us. Thank you, Red Band. Hi, Tony. Welcome back, Kevin. Good to see you, sir. Always a pleasure to be here. And they're all here to awkwardly half say hello to both of us. Thank you, Red Band. Hi, Tony. Welcome back. Good to see you, sir. Always a pleasure to be here. Excited to be back.

Jade, welcome for your first time. Thanks so much. So exciting. What the fuck is that? I have fans. Wow. Iron Patriot, can I ask you a quick question about your song? Yes.

If she's a long-legged woman and you get your kicks for free is she a hooker? Does she normally charge? She might be. Alright. Who wrote the song? I wrote the song but it's about an imaginary woman but imaginary prostitute? But she's got

long legs. How long do they have to be for her to be long enough for you? It doesn't really matter because I like the petite ones too, but that one just is talking about the long-legged ones. One's a tiny torso, but really long legs. I noticed Jade got some long legs on her. Long skinny legs.

You got a good sense of that? He's twitching a lot over there. Jade, can I say something to you? I did a little research on you today. Always a good sentence to hear. Yeah, always a beginner. I read that you were born in Brazil, came to America at the age of 14. Oh, okay, yeah.

Had some hippie parents that exposed you to Cheech and Chong at an early age. Oh, he's, oh. Did musical theater, but then moved to L.A. and decided to do comedy. Now, I was watching you in a web series today. I need to rewrite my bio back. Yeah, I guess it's really long. I'm thinking, I was watching you in a web series today. I need to rewrite my bio back. Yeah, I guess it's really long. I remember writing that and thinking, I am witty. Okay, well, I saw you on a web series today, Daddy Knows Best.

And this particular episode, they got a really good angle on your feet. And they're really cute. Easy, easy. And you got a little tattoo on the right foot. What is that? Oh, my God. You are a scary dude, man. Did I say it? I mean, I feel like this is...

I'm cool with that. When my grandmother used to seal her letters, she had a thing that she would do in the wax. And it was her seal, so that's what I got tattooed on my foot. Oh, great. That's pretty sweet. You know something other interesting thing about Tommy? Now he's going to know exactly what to picture

when he's jerking off thinking about sucking on your foot. I'll take it. Finally found his long-legged woman. I'll take it. There's something else interesting about her. She gets her pussy waxed with the same lady that does Scary Spikes. Thank you. That's an old fact, but that's very true. Thank you so much. I now laser, so just catch up on the facts.

That seems to be the trend. A lot of women laser now. It's changed my life. I'm like a cult leader. I'm like, have you heard about the laser center? Come. And then they show up and I'm there. What is about it is better.

Well, it's a process, but it just comes in thinner and you don't. It's not messy. Your skin is smooth like a baby. If you go to the same place as the Spice Girls, that's pretty good. Because you know that they know what they want. What they really, really want. You know what I'm saying? But Scary Spice has Eddie Murphy money.

Because she's the mother of one of his kids. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. They fuck together. She's doing fine. Whoa, that's right. So that's a good laser. That's a good place to get your butthole cleaned up. Yeah.

Yeah, it was a great place. It was a great place. I had a lady, and I loved her. Her name was Esteen. Esteen? Esteen? Esteen. Okay. Well, we once found out that the Patriot has had crabs before.

Oh, yeah. What was that nervous noise you just made? It was a while back. I mean, you know, they don't have crabs anymore. So back in the old days, though, it was something everybody had to deal with. But there was one more thing I want to say to you. Wait, wait. No, wait a minute.

I feel like that's not true. State false facts all out. I mean, I was alive in what I think would be considered back in the day, and I don't remember dealing with crabs at all. Hey, guys, it is true. It's true because Insects in the City, in one episode, Charlotte did get crabs when they went to the Hamptons. Right, and that show was a documentary.

Yeah, lots of real facts on that show. Kevin, can I talk to you for a second before we move on? I'd be pissed if you didn't. Okay. Kevin, I'm very impressed with you. You're a triple threat. You can act. You do comedy.

Whoa, you just twitched so hard. Are you all right? You can act. You can do comedy. I just had a stroke. Patriot, are you okay? Wait, I forgot. The other one is Art. He's so hard. Are you all right? Are you having a stroke? You can do comedy. I just had a stroke. Patriot, are you okay? Wait, wait, wait. I forgot.

The other one is Art. He's an artist. He's got a whole website with Art. Now, this one is a little safe. Hold on a second. Time the fuck up. Are you okay right now? Why are you shaking like that?

You've been standing a long time, and sometimes that makes people faint. Are you uncomfortable? No, no. I'm okay. Bend your knees. Make sure you got to bend your knees. Bend those knees. If you keep your knees straight, you'll faint. Are you dizzy? No, no, I'm okay. Bend your knees. Make sure you got to bend your knees. Bend those knees. If you keep your knees straight, you'll faint.

Are you dizzy? No, no, I'm okay. Okay. Okay, go on with your question. I was reading about this show you're on. You play Lester on the Masters of Sex. I do, that's true. Now, I read that just last week you guys got renewed already.

That's true. They must believe in this show. Do you think this could fill the void that Breaking Bad has left us? I mean, they're very different stylistically. Did you just skip? Wait, you got his short circuiting. Did somebody spill a drink on the Iron Patriot or something? Something's going on.

I've never seen you shake like this, Patriot. Am I really shaking bad? Are you making me paranoid? You're making me paranoid. What am I making you paranoid about? I want to put my jacket on you right now. I know. I feel like... Do you want my jacket? Are you cold?

I don't feel like I'm shaking. I'm shaking. Isn't it funny that standing in front of people and talking is so nerve-wracking not even a metal suit can hide nervousness? And the cowboy hat's just shaking. Wait, maybe it's the wind. Yeah, I think there's a vent right there.

That's what it is. Are you cold? Oh, no, the vent's right. It's literally hitting the vent. This is like a wind tunnel testing room for like a sports car, and it's just crushing the vent. Oh, my God. That's what it is. But up close, it looks even more upsetting like you're going to cry.

But it's the vent. He's totally fine, guys. He's totally fine. Oh're going to cry. But it's the vent. He's totally fine, guys. He's totally fine. Oh, my God. No, it's the vent. It's the vent. It's the vent. You're a trooper, man.

You're a trooper. Awesome. I told you he looks sad. My God, if that translates to video. I mean, it's weird that we were reading that hat like a quivering chin. Yeah. Oh, yeah, totally. I met a mermaid in Florida, a girl who thinks she's a mermaid, and you guys would make

an adorable couple, I tell you. Where did the costume start? On the mermaid? She was just really into exotic, erotica. He wouldn't like the mermaid

because it doesn't have women's feet at the bottom of it. You have a foot fetish Clearly But as you can tell by how shaky he is he doesn't like to talk about it Do you want to touch feet or do you want them in your mouth? They're just beautiful to look at

You don't want to touch them You just want to look at them I like the whole woman's body I like breasts I'm assuming that Do you like the shoe thing? body. I like breasts. I like suiting. No, we're talking about feet. I'm assuming that. Do you like the shoe thing? Is it like a nice high heel? No, no, just barefoot.

Just barefoot. Like Jade was walking barefoot on a hardwood floor in that video. Oh. Oh, that's what he was zooming in on. If somebody paid me to just come over and they could just look at my feet, I'd do it. Is that prostitution? No. How much?

All right. Yes! Yes! Boom. Patriot from three-point range. And I trade you my bus pass. And then I become the Iron Man. I trade him the suit.

Oh, yeah. Ridiculous. I don't know. What would you pay? Ah. Well, Tony doesn't pay me very much, but I do what I can. Easy. Wait a second.

What the fuck, man? You better be laughing under there. I got some money put away. Fame is priceless. Yeah. I'll kick you later. When I heard you on the podcast, I heard you got a boyfriend that depressed me. Oh, no. Come on. Come on. There you go. Come on. There's the podcast, I heard you got a boyfriend that depressed me. Oh, no.

Come on. Come on. There you go. Come on. There's love out there for everyone. You'll find it. There is. I'm telling you, this mermaid girl and you.

There's tons of women out there that want to put their feet in your mouth. You'll find them. Speaking of putting feet in mouths, what do you say we get these comedians up here, everybody? Well done. Over 30 comedians signed up for the opportunity to put 60 seconds in on the stage. Josh, you want to fix the... I guess they'll fix the mic stand.

Everybody does 60 seconds. At the time in which 60 seconds hits the clock, you'll hear a sound effect, and that sound effect is this sound. What do you mean? That means they've done a minute, but if you run the light, you're going to hear a this sound. That means they've done a minute, but if you run the light,

you're going to hear a second sound. You don't want to bring out that angry bear. You know what? That cat does not sound... Hey, Red Band, is that the bear from Great Outdoors? Huh? No. Oh, here. I think this is it. That's the first one.

That's scary. That's so much better. Angry cat and then angry bear. So awesome. So they do 60 seconds? Yeah. And when they're performing, we don't say anything. When we're performing, we don't interrupt them. And then we talk to them about anything in the world, perhaps even what they just talked about.

Yeah, let's do it. You guys ready to get this thing started or what? Here we are. Positive push. Episode 23. And the first comedian tonight is Tom Young. Tom Young, let him hear it. Here he comes.

He's in the back. He's got his time. Oh, yeah. Tom Young, everybody. One minute? Okay. It's kind of funny that you guys talk about being vegan because I tried to make my grocery list the other day while hanging out with a buddy of mine who eats all healthy like that.

Keep that shit to yourself. I'm trying to make out my list. He's like, what do you want to get? And I said, oh, I'll get some steaks. I haven't had that in a while. And he's like, no, dude, you don't want to eat that shit. It's bad for your heart, clogs your arteries. And I was like, all right, fine, I'll get fish.

That's supposed to be healthy, right? Get some tilapia or some shit. He says, no, dude, seafood's radioactive now with how polluted the oceans have become. You don't want to eat any of that shit. I said, fine, I'll get some chicken. It's quick, it's easy to make, it's good. It's like, no, don't you know about they like they feed the chickens poison in these factory farms. This is true, by the way. They feed them poison to like kill bacteria in the meat and all that. And I'm like, fine, fuck it.

I'll just get like fruits and vegetables and shit and eat that all day. And he's like, no, dude, don't you know about the pesticides and shit they use at these farms? It's terrible. You don't want to eat any of that shit. I was like, fine. By this point, I'm just getting pissed off. So sarcastically, I was just like, all right, you know what? I'm just going to start eating people. I'm going to go fucking cannibal then. He says, no, dude. Have you seen the shit people eat?

I was like, no. Okay. That's frightening. Awesome. Tom Young. Fuck yeah. Just stay here stay there

how's it going man that was great that was great thanks for starting the show brave spot I have no I think I think A

you've tapped into a common annoyance that a lot of people have I'm a vegetarian I hide it I don't talk to people about it I don't talk about it either but Brian brings it up

every Monday yeah nobody knew about it until he told everybody yeah it's kind of a private knew about it until he told everybody. Yeah, it's kind of a private thing. Yeah, it's annoying as shit. Right.

Thanks, Brian. I think it's awesome. Why don't I tell everybody what you eat? Fucking pure garbage. Yeah, you do eat like garbage. Are you talking about our sponsor? Oh, that's right. I'm sorry.

That's right. McDonald's, our newest sponsor. By the way, the McRib is back. The McRib is back right now. Is it really? Right now. Do you know how they decide when the McRib is back. The McRib is back right now. Is it really? Right now. Do you know how they decide when the McRib comes back?

How? When a lot of children die in a different country. When pork prices are at their lowest is when they bring it. There's no other rhyme or reason to it. McDonald's is... Yes. So McDonald's is about profit. It's something that all you people that eat that fucking pig shit should know. All right.

Well, back to Tom. Is that it's the worst time of the year to even buy dead pig. Tony, Tony, Tony. Oh, that's right. Tom Young. What did you end up getting from the grocery store that day? I still got steak. Good man, good man.

The thing where you say that's true, by the way, completely unnecessary. It just slowed the flow. Because I thought you had pretty good flow within that joke. You clearly have it worked out and structurally it was working. So when you stop and you're like, that's true, by the way, it just slowed the flow. Because I thought you had pretty good flow within that joke. You clearly have it worked out and structurally it was working. So when you stop and you're like, that's true, by the way, it just slowed your list. We don't trust you either because it's a different – I think it's a different point of view. Like he's doing this whole thing where it's like, I know this and know that. Just you, by the way.

It's like, what the fuck? And I don't give a shit if you're lying. Just tell me. You know, like you could be lying on both sides, so it doesn't matter. You could be lying about it being true. It doesn't. So just take it. It's not necessary. I still think the very beginning, the way you describe it, like, I don't give a shit. I think when you hear, when I hear that, it's like,

I've heard this premise, so just go straight into like what you've written. Do you know what I mean? Because it's like, ah, we've all, you know. I don't know. Just for me. It's true. Tags on it. Just go straight into it. The pesticides and the other thing. But I think it's a common annoyance. We're tired of hearing about your diet.

Like, I don't care what you eat. That's so boring. It's true. Such a great ending, though. I love it. I'm loving it. You're disgusting. Ew, drink your troth juice.

But it comes from a fountain. But I'm drinking Coke, so I'm a total fucking hypocrite. I think figure out what your friend actually eats, though, and then find angles on that. Because he's got to eat something. I mean, like, I eat a ton of, like, that stuff. And it all looks weird. It's embarrassing to say. Halftime, I don't even know.

Like, I could be being lied to every time I go to a vegan restaurant. I'm just assuming they're giving me shit that's healthy but I don't really know what tempeh is. I just trust them like I trust your joke. You know what I mean? What did he end up getting? I don't know because I was like fuck you. Make it up. Make it up. Yeah just make it up.

Go online. Google vegan food. Pick four of the most annoying names. Something with soy in it. Yeah, and then you make jokes about the words. Great job, Tom! Very good. He's at Thomas Young.

At Thomas Young. Solid start. At Thomas Young. I'm going to try a new kitty cat. We're testing. Wrinkle your shirt, Tom. Wrinkle your goddamn shirt. How about this one?

Oh. I like that one. That one? I'm going to rest to that one today. All right. That's funny. By the way, I think if I was vegan, you would just pretty much eat seeds, right? No.

Because it's not even grown yet. They have a fake tasty version of, right? No. It's not even grown yet. They have a fake tasty version of everything at this point. It's delicious. Delicious for a cum. Everybody, this guy is a wild one. He's been... It's Mugzilla, everybody.

Mugzilla! Mugzilla! Let him hear it! An icon of the Hollywood open mic. Oh, he's got a mask. I was lonelier than could. I am Mozilla the horrible monster. The monster business has been a little slow lately,

so I've been doing some stand-up. I like to talk about monsters. I'll talk about Lady Gaga. Lady Gaga, Mother Monster. I love Lady Gaga. Some people'll talk about Lady Gaga. Lady Gaga, Mother Monster, I love Lady Gaga. Some people don't get Lady Gaga like Ozzy Osbourne. Ozzy Osbourne is confused by Lady Gaga. He can't see why she's so over the top. I can see where Ozzy is confused. see where Ozzy is confused. I mean, one day Lady Gaga

is showing off her meat flaps on stage. And the next, she's accepting the award for best male vocal. Best male what? Alright, thank you very much. Wow, there you go. Look, no filler. All right. Thank you very much. Wow.

There you go. Mugzilla. Look. No filler. All killer. Oh, boy. How long have you been going on stage with the mask on? I started out as Mugzilla the Monster a long time ago, and the mask just came in about How long?

I haven't seen this. No. Well, Mugzilla. But the mask came out about Yeah, you've been Mugzilla for a long time. I haven't seen this. No. Well, Mugzilla. But the mask came out about two years ago. Yeah, you've been Mugzilla for a long time. I haven't seen the mask. You've been here. You were here before I was here.

Yeah, 2000. Yeah. I mean, back in the day. I was a sophomore in high school. It made me laugh. It made me laugh. In the beginning, not for the right reasons. And then kind of I just started laughing.

But it doesn't always work. In the middle, you were connecting with folks out here. I didn't understand why necessarily, but it was happening. And I feel like that, who the fuck am I to judge? They liked it. And look, when you say meat flaps, you're going to win every single time. Meat flaps is good. That's a victory.

I wish I wrote that. Yeah, meat flaps. All of us in the crowd were like, ah, meat flaps. God damn it. It was right there. It was right there in front of all of us. the crowd were like, ah, meat flaps. God damn it. It was right there. It was right there in front of all of us. It was right there in my brain all along. It's funny because I say what

everybody's thinking. Nope, that's not why it's funny at all. Not at all. You have to realize that you're a little bit of a weirdo. You have to realize that and accept it. I will tell you this. You doing topical material like that while wearing an angry warlock mask, it gives this vibe that there's this chubby, middle-aged, angry warlock

that is watching E! News every day. And you should know. That's amazing. I think your act should be different every week. It should be up to the minute, like what happened today. What's Northwest wearing? What's in the news? Monster's going to fucking tell you.

That is a solid angle. That's funny. That could go somewhere. And no matter what the story of the day is, at about 30 seconds in, just fit the word meat claps in there. Is that what it was? Everyone's got meat flaps. Flaps? Because meat flaps to me could mean feet, their legs,

their hands, everything flaps. It's essentially all meat. He's up there with his meat flaps. Everyone's like, which meat flaps do you mean? We just birthed a whole new persona. If you really do this, it could really go somewhere. I'm serious. I just liked it.

It's a lot of fun. I did this at a New Year's masquerade party. a New Year's masquerade party. A New Year's masquerade party? Are you sure it was a masquerade party or you were just there in a mask? You're the only guy with a mask at a dinner party? Was it in a Wendy's? Did you make that or you bought it?

This mask is Kala Roo. Okay. It's a good looking mask. Kala Roo is an Indonesian demon, and as the demon was drinking a elixir of light. All right. I really don't give a shit anymore. All right. It's Kala Ruh, though.

Okay. Indonesian. Cool. It's not African. Whoa, whoa. Okay, okay. If it was, would that be a thing? Nobody accused your mask of being African.

And I just embellished it. I love that. Was it Indonesian? Indonesian mask demon. Don't be confused. It's not African. Okay. Oh, shit.

There he goes, everybody. Mugzilla. Is this your email? Did you leave your email on here? Is that what that is, your email? That's my Twitter. What? At Mugzilla 007.

At Mugzilla 007. The James Bond of Mugzillas. That's your real name? That name that's in front of that? Yeah. Wow. What's your real name? Mike Sofra.

Oh. Don't give up his real identity. I remember you more as Mike Sofra. You didn't always go up as Mugzilla. You got introduced as Mike Sofra back in the day a little bit, right? Yeah, I remember that. What made you go full Mugzilla? What made you go with the name change and what year did that happen? Jump back up real quick.

Was it for the pussy? You don't need to put the... Because when I hear Mugzilla, I get wet. I actually started out as Mozilla. Uh-huh. And then one day I was up on stage with Willie. Okay. Willie Hunter?

Willie Hunter. Right. And Willie goes, why are you using the stupid Mozilla name? Why don't you go by your own name? Uh-huh. And I go, well, you go by Willie. And Willie goes, well, that's my name.

And I go, bullshit. I go, show me your license and if that's your name, I'll go up as Mike Sofra. And I actually got to see Willie Hunter's license and his name is Willie.

He's racist. I think what I gathered from this whole thing. So now you have some valuable Willie Hunter trivia. Valuable is a bit of a stretch, but trivia sure. All you Willie Hunter fans out there, that's his real name. I'm one of them.

So then you went to Mike Sofra for how long until switching back? How bad did Mike Sofra's career have to be in those few months or whatever? Did you write the song for Tito's Tacos? I have a Tito's Tacos hat. There you go. And it is not African. Okay, let's pick another name.

There he goes again. Mozilla Mike Sofra 007. The man's so nice. What's his name? I brought him up twice. I love Cheetos tacos. That's who that is. Meat flaps.

Oh, I see. Remember when we make songs for... Look at all of us up here with our meat flaps. Big gashes. Patriot, what do you think of Mozilla? I didn't know if he meant like the meat when she wore the costume or the actual pouch lips. Okay. Okay. Okay, okay. There you go.

That's what's so fun about it. It's a real mixed bag. It's like a puzzle. Could be any. Whatever meaty outfit you want to think of, you go for it. Your next comedian goes by the name of Cody Gidley. Cody Gidley, let him hear it. Here he comes. That's a good name. There he is, Cody. Cody. Cody Gidley, let him hear it! Here he comes.

That's a good name. There he is, Cody! That's whatever it's like. Cody Gidley. Thank you, guys. Thank you. Are you serious? How are you guys today?

Doing good. Good. Thank you. Oh, gosh. Redban. Holy shit. Redban is so fucking cool. I thought that was like a cobra head on his hat, but no, it's dolphins.

Redban is full-blown gay. It's actually the sign of lesbians. The sign of lesbians? Lesbian symbol. Nice to meet you. What the fuck? That's not how most

people open. I went to go get a taco the other day, and there was a store right in the side of the fucking store right before you walk up there, right? It was like no pictures, no flash photography around the store. Like they had the fucking funky bunch in there flipping tacos, right? I know, huh? Fancy shit.

Tension. Has anyone ever had weird tension before like you can't order a drink right like you're looking around you can't get there's tension

damn it going too fast now way too fast now I gotta slow it down a little bit oh yeah it's gonna slow down alright Fuck yeah

Wow This was your first time doing stand up In your life I've seen you before though Where have I seen you at Probably at the vegan place sucking his dick Jesus Christ Red band

Red band Look what you've created Look what you've done Red Band. All right, everybody calm down. That wasn't... Red Band. Red Band. Red Band. Look what you've created. Red Band. Why? Look what you've done. You have very good stage presence looking at the ground. Okay, wait.

This is what... Red Band. He's not a vegan. Red Band. Okay, this is what he thought. I can't say Cody's a vegan. This is what he thought. We don't blame him.

He thought... This is obviously a guy that's been on a horrible diet for his psychology for years. I guarantee you he probably had a... Brian. He probably thought, I'll make fun of Brian, right? Get like, hey, I'm jokey jokes. I'm friends. But he's not.

And then it ends up being about me and the vegan suck a dick thing. How did I end up in that? He's sucking your dick. Don't worry. No, but wait. Can we ask, what was the intention? Yeah, what was that? Was there a joke that you wanted to tell that you just got too nervous and it didn't come out?

Or were those things you wanted to say? I mean, I didn't get all the way through it. But were any of those things things you thought about you wanted to say out loud and then you said them? Oh, yeah. You said, I didn't get a laugh. That's weird. Most of it was kind of, yeah. The taco thing.

So what were you saying? Yeah, what were you saying about the taco? The funky bunch, are they famous to you? Marky Mark's Funky Bunch? Well, they're the less famous portion. So is the joke that they're not famous? Very famous? Not extremely.

I get that. It happens so fast. And you kind of swallow it. I had to hear it. I was like, Funky Bunch. And then I sat there going, wait a minute. Who had a Funky Bunch? And then it took me a minute.

I was like, oh, Marky Mark and his Funky Bunch. Which if I'm doing that, the crowd is like, can I get a drink? It's too far to go. It's too many steps, I think. But I get the premise. No photography in a taco place to me is weird. So I think it's fertile ground for a joke. I didn't hear that part either.

Yeah, the thing was that he went to a taco place there was no flash photography and the thing is like who gives a shit is the funky bunch here I missed that whole part also because I was looking at well you were also livid with anger so I think

you were planning his death you were sitting there going how am I going to say he sucks dick in a vegan restaurant? You were planning your attack. I was looking at his meat curds. What made you come out and try to insult Red Band? Because I banned him on YouTube.

Oh, whoa, wait a minute. So this is emotional. It was basically spite. Mostly spite. Why did you ban him? Why did you ban him on YouTube? But you thought calling him gay was an original funny thing?

I don't understand. Yeah, the calling a dude gay thing has seen hits. Actually, I don't know you. Oh. Do I know you? Oh, you're that guy that makes me cry all the time.

So you think that the fact that I have a symbol of a dolphin on my hat that I just love to eat assholes, guys' assholes. Yes, that's exactly what's going on. All right. I mean, the last time I was here, I think the gay thing is like a – to me, it's pretty empty.

Who doesn't have a gay friend at this point? Yeah, I agree. I feel like if you just got up here and you're confident – I mean, look how you're holding yourself. You're totally closed off. To be fair, it's chilly. It's chilly? It's chilly? It's chilly.

No, it's not, Kevin. I'm just, look. Like, you know, you're like this, so automatically it makes people kind of uncomfortable, I think.

So I feel like just as a rule of thumb, just try every time just be a little more confident in your stand, like in the way you stand. Yeah. And then just, yeah,

slow it down and then don't remind yourself to slow down out loud. How long have you been doing stand-up? Oh, I don't know. Maybe a year, we'll say. How often do you get on stage? I've been slacking lately, but like once a week. Once a week.

Okay. How many times do you look through a window at a comedy club at other people having fun? Only when I'm off. Cool. I'm glad you came up in time. What are your other passions? What do you do most nights of the other, most other nights of the

week? If you're only going up one night a week, what do you do? Listen to podcasts and shit like that. Well, there you go. So listen to podcasts. Yeah, follow your second dream. Listen to podcasts.

No, I'm kidding. You know, when he walked up, I was like, he's going to be like Brent Weinbach. Don't quit. Yeah, you have a Brent Weinbach vibe. Yeah, I feel like a vibe. I thought he's going to be like Brent Weinbach because he has this weird confidence. Yeah, feel like a vibe. I thought he's going to be like Brent Weinbach because he has this weird confidence.

There's a lot of people that pretend to be as nervous as you to make it. Yeah. Oh, yeah, so maybe you should keep the stand. Super excited. I'm not saying that about Brent. I'm saying that about others. Yeah, a lot of people put on awkwardness. Yeah, yeah, that weird, I'm like an awkward comic.

Yeah, yeah. But you just have that, so that's good. Write, write, that like weird, I'm like an awkward comic. Yeah, yeah. But you just have that, so that's good. Write, write, write anything in the world because... Yeah, if you're gonna be a dude that just stands there,

your jokes have to be really word heavy and clever as shit. I feel like you can work with the taco, no flash photography premise. Yeah, there's something in there. I think both premise...

I'd say... Oh, the first one's a little bit more... Remove the funky bunch. Yes, and don't kill anybody. Cody Gidley, everybody. There he goes kill anybody. Cody Gidley, everybody. There he goes. It's Cody Gidley. Trying to make fun of...

Spend 30 seconds making fun of Red Band's hat. Ineffectively. It's just so fucking good. Red Band, I think you got a little too mad. Oh, yeah. I know, but... I'm obviously wearing this hat

because it's gay. There's dolphins on it. It's ironic. It's ironic. It's a heart of two dolphins. It's not like I bought it. What's ironic about sea love? I don't know.

But don't you have a dolphin bit thing? I thought that was what I was going to say. Yeah, he wants to fuck a dolphin. You love dolphins. There's nothing ironic about loving dolphins. Dolphins are a great animal. Yeah. Smart. Disgusting. Hey, guys, dolphins are a great animal. Yeah, yeah. I'd have a picture with dolphins. There's nothing ironic about loving dolphins. Dolphins are a great animal. Yeah. Smart.

This is disgusting. Hey, guys. Dolphins are a great animal. Yeah, yeah. I'd fuck a tiger if it wouldn't kill me. Really? Is that true? Before a dolphin.

What? Yeah. All right. What if a dolphin had a tiger? What if a dolphin had a tiger? If we were a comedian having this conversation at the mic right now, you'd be shitting on us. Wait, you know what? I have a better question because I think we're going to get a real answer out of this.

Patriot. No, I've seen that photo. I show it to everybody. That's a dolphin vagina. Anyway, Patriot, what animal would you fuck if you could fuck an animal today? Well, you just fuck its feet. So what animal's feet would you fuck? No, my bestiality days are over. No, you could fuck an animal today? Well, you just fuck its feet. So what animal's feet would you fuck? No, my bestiality days are over.

No, you gotta fuck an animal. Too real. Just say an animal and pretend. Yeah, exactly. My bestiality days are over. That's basically like fucking Exhibit A when they're bringing charges against you. What did you use to fuck? I got a legendary story that I told, Jade.

Yeah, it's true. At the comedy store. He fed a dog chocolate that I told Jade. Yeah, it's true. At the comedy store. He fed a dog chocolate off of his dick. Oh. Worst thing you could possibly feed a dog. Don't pick Red Band.

There was something you got wrong at the podcast. You could have killed the dog. Yeah, dude. There was something you got wrong at the podcast. The dog died from depression two days later.

Oh, my God. Listen. No, first he sucked Ryan Mervis' dick and then he... There was something you got wrong, Red Band. What's that? You said that, you thought that was the second time I came.

I first jumped on the tree at age 14, swang on the tree, had my first orgasm. Right, because of the wind. Then two years later is when I fed my dog Buffy a banana split. Right. I had the banana, the chocolate, the nuts, the cream. Now the circumcision that Tony didn't understand, that's where you get the split, the banana split. It was cut when I was circumcised as a small baby. So that's where you get the banana split.

I am filled with so much sex. But there was a lot of masturbation between 14 and 16. That wasn't the second time I came right then. Oh. Okay. So I just want to clear that up because that was something that the podcast felt like. Are you one of those guys? Thank God that's cleared up.

I've got to change my contact info. I'm not going to sleep well tonight. I'm crying on the inside. Do you ever pull a David Carradine and have to have a belt around your neck? No. You've never tried it? You said that chocolate was bad for my dog.

I didn't notice my dog have any problems. Chocolate is not good for dogs. That's like a universal norm. It's actually the caffeine that's in it. Caffeine can kill an animal. So the caffeine that's in the chocolate is actually what's bad for a dog. Really? Yeah.

Oh, wow. I have to stop letting my dog drink coffee. Yeah. Really. Oh. Put your hands together for Amir Kalari. Amir, let him hear it. Hi.

This guy looks nice. What a nice guy. All right. Yeah, I'm Middle Eastern. Amir Kabiri. Close. That's closer than most people get. But I think you can tell how far a government has progressed based on their space program. Because here in the United States, we sent a man to the moon in the

60s. Neil Armstrong got on a spaceship and went to the moon, walked on the surface, got back in the spaceship and landed safely. That's amazing. That's a miracle if you think about it. In Iran, we just sent a monkey into space, not to the moon, we just sent it to space. And afterward, we had the president stand next to the monkey and make a speech on national television. And as I was watching, I realized something. That wasn't the same monkey.

You can tell because it looks nothing like the original monkey. They sent a black monkey into space. He was standing next to a gray monkey. Which either means that monkey aged 40 years in three days or that monkey was stressed out as fuck because he was in an Iranian spaceship.

Wow. Wow. Wow. Guys. There you go. Thunder and lightning. I feel like I saw it coming before he hit the stage. I was like, I feel confident about this. Charisma City.

He's like little baby Benji. You were smiling. You had a good vibe. I was like, I feel like there's a good joke in this guy's heart right now, and I was fucking right. Yeah, I didn't want to stop you. I gave you an extra ten seconds. I thought you could get to it faster, too, though. Yeah. Yeah. Okay.

I think you can get to it faster, but I think it was really funny. Yeah, man. Space and monkeys and Iran all together in one particular joke. Yeah, add some tags to it. It's solid. You could make up other stuff that Iran's done bad. Which I imagine

there's just so much. There's just so much. Just find the list and criticize and pick one. I was just thinking about my white American heart. There's just so much that Iran does poorly. Alright, well, good joke. I thought it was going to be like a beer joke. No, I don't have any. That was a good fucking joke, dude.

I still can't open doors in a car. I don't want to give be like a beer joke. No, I don't have any. That was a good fucking joke, dude. I don't want to give notes at a good joke. I think it's good. I think you should fly with it. Just stand here and bask in your victory. Yeah! Bask in it. Someone have sex with this comedian! How long have you been doing stand-up?

I've been going to open mics about three and a half months. Dang. Solid. Doing work. I did a show at Flappers about a year ago and I've been doing that once a month, but I just started doing the mic thing recently. Like you've been doing a lot of mics

for a few months. For like three, four months. Fantastic. Yeah, we'll definitely keep doing that. What's your exact last name? It's Kabiri. Oh, that's definitely keep doing that. What's your exact last name? It's Kabiri. Oh, that's a B. Your B and your I's touch.

Sorry, I'm a bad handwriting. You a doctor? Kabiri. You're another Amir... Do you know Amir K? I've met him, yeah. We have the same name. Yeah, literally.

I was going to say that. I thought your bit was going where his went, where he's like, we've gotten a man in the moon but I still can't open the car door at the same time as my friend is unlocking it do you know what I mean that's what I was saying the beginning kind of led me there so I was like oh maybe

that is tough you're going to get lumped together with other comedians of that ethnicity anyway so do whatever you can to stand apart from them. Otherwise, you'll just only be on those shows all the time and you don't want to do that. You have good jokes. You want to stand out. Like the Persian tours? I think it's sort of crazy.

I don't know what they're called and I'll make a racist mistake by trying to guess. I thought I just did. I think it's crazy that Iran is like teaching monkeys how to fly into... I'll let that die out for a second. I think it's crazy that Iran

is sending monkeys into space but they still use human beings to fly planes into buildings and stuff. Have you read about this? The dog bombs? Where they use these tiny dogs and just send them off.

No, no, no. They just light them on fire and then just send them off. Nope, no. And the article that I read had the cutest photo. No. The cutest dog.

And I'm sure they send the ugliest, most busted dogs in the bomb, but a little tiny cute one. They do that? They're the Michael Vicks of war? Great. They used to do it with kids in Vietnam.

It's actually gotten better. Fun fact. The only way to get a pit bull to release its jaw when attacking, you gotta put your finger in its butthole. Really? There you go. Patriot's already one step ahead of you. He fingered a dog earlier and it wasn't even biting him yet.

There he goes. Amir Kabiri, everybody. Very funny. Follow him on Twitter at Amir underscore Kabiri. That's K-A-B-I-R-I. Only a few months in and that's one of the all-time one-minute slaughter.

That was solid. That guy's going to get on TV before me. Surprising. No doubt about it. No doubt about it. Enjoy my spots at the Comedy Store. Hopefully it's not the news. Enjoy them.

Right. Be on Al Jazeera before all of us. Fucking asshole. Put your hands together for Shailen McDonough. Yeah. Shailen McDonough. Shailen McDonough Shaylin McDonough Oh no

If you miss your spot on this show That means you don't get to perform again And you get blacklisted There you go Has there ever been a show where everyone shows up And he doesn't get to make that noise Does it bum you out No I get to do it enough

It's just big deal. It's just a normal part of the job. Yeah, whatever. I do it all the time. Yeah, you could just do it at your house. Do we know it's not Michael J. Fox in the suit? Do we know for sure? That's a shaking joke. Evil bastard. You know I'm an extra on Parkinson's

and recreation. I have heard that you're an avid extra. I was on the office like you. Are you just using that? My episode got cut. Do you often just use jokes that I've used on you before? Yeah, I'm thinking about going to the laugh factory and doing a whole routine with the jokes you wrote.

You son of a bitch. You son of a bitch. The Iron Man Sia. Robin Iron Man. I'll take that for my pay. Put your hands together for your next comedian, everybody. Dean Peruch. Yes.

Give it up for Dean. Let him hear it. That's very confident. Very confident. I'm getting a little fat, so I'm looking at some diets. There's this Paleo Man diet that everyone's doing. I don't know if that makes the most sense.

I think Paleo Man may have been an idiot. I think he was probably the dumbest human that was around. If you look at the diet, what you don't eat is gluten and you don't eat bread. I think humans were right about bread. I think harvesting grain

was probably a right move. Listening to the paleo man wouldn't be that much fun. I wouldn't... I guess that's pretty much the punchline. Yikes. Wow. 32 seconds

and 43 ums. You said harvesting. It was adorable. I missed it. Oh, he did say the word harvesting. You took that note down. I like talking about how you're getting a little fat. I think that's funny.

Saying I'm getting a little fat is nice. It's funny. The idea is that harvesting grain, like paleo diet, because you're not supposed to eat bread. You're not supposed to eat gluten. Right. I think that's... You're saying that you're basically making fun of the idea is that harvesting grain, like paleo diet, because you're not supposed to eat bread. You're not supposed to eat gluten. Right. I think that's – You're saying that you're basically making fun of the idea of being paleolithic, that humans were so much dumber back then, so why are we asking their advice for dieting?

Yeah. Yeah. Wow, I was so confused. I've heard a couple paleo jokes that are funny. I think you've got to make it more personal. You know what I mean? Like the fat thing, I agree. You've got to go with the fat thing.

Like you're wearing your jacket right now zipped up. Is that because you're fat? No. No? It's just because. Like you're like, I put on a hat just to distract from the fact that I'm fat. If you're going to say you're a little fat, I want to see it. What have you been doing?

Have you really been gaining weight lately? How much weight have you gained? You don't. But you don't. The thing is, you don't look fat. You don't look like a fat comedian at all. Like you look like you're in basically good shape. I almost think that saying that

is going to... People are going to just look at you and be like, is he fat? While you're trying to tell them the joke. So they're almost going to be a little distracted. I think it's almost funny he just has this whole complex and he's like, seriously, I'm so fat. I'm so fat. You guys, you have no idea how fat I am.

All my friends are on diets But like I love Fucking bread You really think You're gaining a lot of weight Or were you just Looking for it for a bit No I am getting a little fat But I did I mean you had

Your jacket zipped up And you're hiding Behind the mic stand The whole time Yeah the mic stand You gotta move that mic stand In front of you Right away

Immediately I think If you want to do this bit Focus on how dumb It's gotta be about How dumb cave people were You gotta focus On their stupidity Yeah but see Nick has a bit like that Not just like Immediately. I think if you want to do this bit, focus on how dumb... It's got to be about how dumb cave people were. You've got to focus on their stupidity. Yeah, but see, Nick has a bit like that.

Not just like... Who does? Nick does. Nick which? My guy, Nick. Okay, well... So that's why I don't want to lead him that way. So anyways, you've got to focus on how dumb the cave people are.

People are very possessive of their jokes. I mean, the way it should be. Yeah, I mean, I guess that is the angle to take on it. So maybe that's not the... Maybe it's about bread. Joke about bread. Why do you think you're fat? Were your parents really hard on you about your weight? I am legitimately gaining a little bit of weight. How much weight is that?

Like 10 pounds, 15 pounds. I just think any route... I like how upset you get with your hand like that. I'm so fat. My friends don't see it, but I'm so fat. Are you usually in really good shape, like athletic? No. So you deserve it. So finally nature's catching up to you. Is it an age thing?

Yeah. Are you getting older? How old are you? I'm not lying about gaining a little bit of weight. That's not making that up. We believe that you're gaining weight. We believe you're trying to find something else. We just don't understand why you're trying to tie it into the caveman days. Because that's why I'm looking at diets.

Ah, so you're exploring different diets. That's funny. So maybe you've tried a bunch of different diets. But I think the paleo diet's one line. Yeah, just one thing. What other diets? The paleo thing's a one-liner. Cavemen are stupid.

Why am I going to let them tell... They couldn't read. How am I going to have them list things they should eat? Next. Jazzercise. Too many moms. Tybo. And then go through diets.

Just go through all the fad diets. And have a one-liner for each diet. And then I decided I just like beer and bread. You know, whatever. And that's why I'm a fat boy. But make sure you don't actually diet while doing any of these jokes or else it won't make any sense.

You have to stay fat as long as you want to do this joke. So you have to really be gambling on the fact that you're going to keep getting fatter. Because you're already not fat. There's a lot of fat comedians. Like, Mugzilla didn't even acknowledge his weight. And meanwhile, you're talking about being fat and trying to tie it into...

I can't get funnier, I'll get fatter. Dude, do not. Don't. It's still LA. Jade, stir in the jar, Dean. You're done. At One Pun Gun on Twitter, Dean Parish. One Pun Gun? One Pun Gun.

Yeah, One Pun Gun. You're just pulling names out? You're crazy. Oh, it's a girl. Good. Danielle Arce, everybody. Danielle Arce, let her hear it. My last name's Arce. If it was Arce, I would have changed it by now, but nobody can read my last name.

It's okay. So yeah, you guys looking at me, and you can't tell what ethnicity I am. It's pretty hard to tell. And I'm Hispanic and Italian, so if you guys were can't tell what ethnicity I am. It's pretty hard to tell. And I'm Hispanic and Italian. So if you guys are wondering, that's what I am. One of my guy friends was complaining to me earlier today about shaving. He's like, I'll have to shave my face all the time for work. It sucks. It sucks. I'm like, shut up. You are not a Hispanic and Italian woman. You don't understand the hair removal struggle like

I do. It's real with me. It's crazy. I moved in with my ex a while back. Don't do it. If you're ever going to think about moving with your boyfriend, don't do it. And he thought it was weird how long I take showers. And he freaked out the first time. He's like, babe, it's been 45 minutes. What are you doing in there? And I'm like, I'm doing this for you.

This is for you. This is for you. This is my life. This is what I do. It's nuts. It's like, guys, you can get away with the five o'clock shadow. That's hot.

Imagine my entire body with the five o'clock shadow. Oh, looks like somebody got a special sound effect. Who's an exciting little red band? Now we can see how being a female affects comedy. That's right.

From the master at that Brian Redman. She made your dolphins move. I love physical comedy. I think you can start at you don't understand. I'm this and this, in case you're wondering. I know you guys are wondering this.

No, we're not. It's funnier to me if someone's just like, I'm hairy. I'm hairy as a motherfucker. And didn't blame it on a region of the world. Got it. Yeah, and then maybe like after you do the disgusting lip shaving, which I know it's tough,

then you do something dainty and then you're like, but babe, don't put my towel on the ground. Then there's some kind of... Contrast. Yeah, contrast. I was confused. You said you moved in with your ex. Does that mean you were together when you moved in with your ex does that mean you were together when you moved in with him

and now you're not or you see that was confusing so what she said I don't recommend yeah keep it for later yeah he's your ex now

and then because then you can use it like I shaved in front of him too aggressively and we broke up or something like that like if you broke up

like what do you mean it's not sexy to shave your vagina yeah as I'm screaming at him while I shorn my butthole. Shorn? Shorn. You can use the breakup later, so don't waste it as this part of an intro that

didn't really make sense. Got it. Yeah, for sure. Thank you. And then talk about lasers. Does every girl have a hair removal joke? Everybody does because it's a life annoyance. It seems like a universal struggle. It's disgusting, though. I don't even want to hear about it. I know, but you have masturbation jokes.

I mean, everybody has. You have masturbation jokes? No, I do not. Not currently. Why not? No, not currently. Not in the current two and a half minutes that I've been. I don't.

I think in the past, we've talked to Sarah about this before, about body hair. Honestly, I don't like it. It's a very fine line to take me thinking about you being hairy and gross. We don't care about it. She's been hairy. She doesn't always have to follow with gross. I know, but the thing is, this is something we deal with every day. It's such an annoyance.

I'm not trying to attract anybody. I'm just talking about my real life, man. Yeah, I know. And that's the problem. Because the second we go like this and we're like, we're shaving. They just, that's not what men picture. Right. Yeah, that's hard for us.

Yeah, no, believe me. Not our fault. You couldn't relate to a comic more than me. Believe me. She's Brazilian. But like, yeah. I'm sure. It's weird because watching it, I feel like, wow, she's so like brave and like talking

about such like. Yeah, you ran up here. You like attacked the stage. And I feel like it's great. It was like actually. Well, you did it fun. You made us happy about it. Yeah, I thought it was fun.

Talking about the hair, which is like you could have done it completely different and grossed us all out. But you were so smiley and jumping around about it. We all have a joke about that. That I thing. We all have a joke about that. Right. That I laughed. We all have a joke about laser hair removal or whatever hair removal. So how do we make it more

happy? I don't know. Original or like more spunky. That is a funny way to go about it. I mean, if you're going to do an act out, that's a great way to do it is by shaving your ass doing it. If there's something to do an act out, that's a great way to do it is by shaving your ass doing it. If there's something that I think is a great piece of advice that I'll tell you, it's how long

have you been doing stand-up? Just two years. It's like such a weird barometer of... Because Mozilla's been doing it 12 years. Yeah, but it's like two years like, do you do it once a week, once every three months? Well, I did it consistently for about a little less than a year.

And then I took some time off because I was focusing on improv and stuff. And then I've been nonstop for the last year. I grew up like a week. Well, great. Well, here's what I was going to tell you. How do you say your last name? Arcee. Arcee.

Yeah. I would either spell it that way if you want it said that way. So people get it right, not like a... Something. Because nobody's ever going to say N-E-A-R-C-E. Ever. Ever. And the commenting on it when you get on stage, it just seems like...

It seems complainy. Okay. Right. Yeah. I forgot that. I didn't like that. It's understandable. That's exactly how it sounds on its spelling.

So either you can ignore it and roll with it and basically be called that, or you can throw a letter at the end of it, or you could write something better than what you already have about ours. Yeah. And it'll kill right. That's really funny. I do have some stuff about that, but I mean,

I figured I had my minute and I knew what I wanted to talk about. And I should, I should have not said anything in the beginning, like you said, but I did, but it happens, right? You just, it's so, isn't wanted to do your one thing. And I should have not said anything in the beginning like you said, but I didn't. But it happens, right? You just – it's so – isn't that funny how that happens? You just get up there and you're –

I mean, when something – that's what we're trying to do. You want to be present and comment on the thing. It just depends. You know, just – I don't know. I knew you were going to mispronounce it anyway. I knew that's how it was going to happen. That's how everybody – And I told myself, like, don't say anything.

If I say it that way, I'm a host of things. So when I say a name and I read, that's how everybody else is going to read it. Oh, of course. I say Katapretta. I say Mostajabi. I say Jesus Christ. I say it all perfectly. Yeah, for sure.

That's ours. Your last name is ours. So that's what it's going to be read as. Okay. You know what? You could put a Y in little parentheses. There you go. Look at that.

So then it doesn't change how you spell your name, but that's how you pronounce it. I write underneath my name like Caterpillar every time. Yeah, I usually write the letters Arse. Has anybody ever said Jade Caterpillar? I've gotten confused. That's the closest it's ever been to me. That is adorable.

Put your hands together for Jade like Caterpillar. Do you still live with your ex-boyfriend? No, no. I got kicked out a couple weeks ago. That's great. Yeah's ever been to me. That is adorable. Put your hands together for Jade Light Caterpillar. Do you still live with your ex-boyfriend? No, no. I got kicked out a couple weeks ago. That's great. Yeah, that's great. Cool, cool. Brian.

Oh, good. This is about comedy, everybody. Wait till after the show. God damn it. That's a little boner. He didn't even push a button. That was his heart. She's at Danielle A-R-C-E.

You can find her on Twitter. Red Band already has. Nice job. Red Band's going to find her in an alley. Making girls look good. You guys remember what your first few minutes of material was? I remember your first few minutes. I bet you do.

I remember. Yeah, of course. Do you remember yours? Yeah, I had a terrible joke about Bob Vila, the home improvement guy. What bet you do. I remember. Yeah, of course. Do you remember yours? Yeah, I had a terrible joke about Bob Vila, the home improvement guy. What did you say? It was just I found out he's not a licensed contractor. So I was just like obsessed

with that. So I came up with a bunch of shitty things I wanted to be that I was in no way licensed to be like I wanted to be the head of the Black Panthers. Like just stuff like that. That's way funnier than the stuff I had. Yeah, me too. What's your first joke, Jay? I had this joke about a pig trough

vagina, so that's where I went right away. I had a joke about how there are coke heads and they miss the middle part of their nose when they do too much coke. And I talk about if slutty girls had too much sex, their vagina and their butthole would just become one huge hole. And I would do this whole act out where I'm like

a pig trough! And when I get in trouble on the road, I still kind of pull it out. I'm not gonna lie. When I get in trouble on the road. That's so funny. What's your first joke? Well, the first time I did stand-up, it was supposed to be this

rant about pedestrians, but then I got on stage. So many people I know started with a rant, where it was always just like, I mean, what the fuck's up with this? And the crowd's like, where is this going? Nowhere. I was all like, why do all the people on the crosswalk things have to be white? Why does it have to be white people?

It was like the stupidest shit ever. Luckily for me, the first time I ever got on stage after semi practicing that in my head for a couple few weeks or whatever, I got on stage downstairs in the original room and I was so excited, like this adrenaline rush, that when I hit the stage I completely blanked out and forgot. So I ended up just up there like, holy shit. I just totally forgot.

And I've been practicing for weeks about this one moment. I just totally forgot. And I've been practicing for weeks about this one moment. It turned into my very weird style that I still sort of keep very close to me really shown that night of just sort of like just rolling with it but like acknowledging everything in the moment as it was happening. Like, man, I mean, I could have written about anything else as long as I would have remembered it. And it just kept working.

So it really just turned into like this game of timing so it went well even though there was thank God I forgot the material basically because it went well but you know I think I honestly think for the first like

still for me it's really not about like the written thing people write very differently you know what I mean like I have friends who like write out jokes to the word

like should I say do not or don't do not or don't do not or don't and that's not at all how I work you find that out jokes to the word. Should I say do not or don't? Do not or don't. Do not or don't. And that's not at all how I work. You find that out when you're on stage. Yeah, but some people work in a different way.

That's creepy. I just think it's fun. Those people are never going to make it. No, I'm kidding. My first joke was, remember the Tempur-Pedic commercial where it showed the kid jumping on one side of the bed and on the other side the wine? It was the wine, yeah. I was like, that's why I bought it. Because when I'm in bed with little children,

I don't want them to struggle. That's so funny. I remember that. That's hilarious. Was it little children? I thought it was old people. On one side it was a guy going, ha ha. And on the other side it was a glass of wine. And he's just sitting in bed and this kid's just jumping up and down.

That's funny. You should be like old people and little kids. Yeah. You're like both. Both fun to bump. Your guys' first jokes were so much better than mine. Fuck. Remember how scary

the improv open mics were? Ugh. That was a terrible one. We used to wait in line for hours. Yipes. Okay. Hey, Jonathan Tumblin,

everybody. Yeah. Jonathan Tumblin. Yeah. Jonathan Tumblin, everybody. Jonathan Tumblin! Jonathan Tumblin! What up? I used to want to be in a gang when I was younger. I had, like, self-esteem issues or whatever, like we all do.

But I told my parents, like, I'm going to go join a gang. And I'm from the South, and my stepdad, like, trying to tell a Southern black man you're going to be in a gang is, like, not a good idea. Because they think they can beat anything. He's like, son, you want to be in a gang? Whoop my ass. So while my mom was trying to help him, like, figure out what the fuck just happened, I took the car, you know what I'm saying? I'm like, I'm ready, nigga.

So I go to my friend's house. I go to my friend's house, and I'm like, hey, man, I think I'm ready to be down with the set. And he's like, all right, man, that's what's up. And then everybody come outside, and they're like, how did you get here? I was like, oh, I took my parents' car. And then they were like, oh, sorry, homie. We're going to deny your street cred application right now. And I was like, why, man, why?

He's like, well, you said parents. We'll tell you the rest in seven to ten business days when we send you a letter. That's it, that's it. Very funny. Street cred. I get it. I think there's a tighter way to say it

for the parent thing at the end. Like, I almost think you took, because I feel like the crowd got what you meant. You're like, oh, my parents. You could say that with almost one line like, oh, I'm sorry. This gang isn't for people with parents.

We're supposed to be your parents. If you already have them, that just seems redundant. Yeah, yeah. And then I think there's almost like a metaphor you could come up with for telling a southern telling a southern man something is like something like this. Oh yeah.

But other than that, I love the premise of I wanted to be and the way you say it too, because I have self-esteem issues Yeah, it's really sweet. You're adorable. I feel bad about myself. Someone to be in a gang? Aw shucks. It's a nice perspective. It's a really honest perspective. Yeah, you're like, I feel bad about myself, so I wanted to be in a gang. Aw, shucks. Yeah, yeah.

Like, it's a nice perspective. It's a really honest perspective. Because most people are like, because I was tough. I didn't want to fuck people up. You're like, no, I felt kind of bad, so I wanted to be in a gang. Like, that to me is nice. Like, I think that's a really nice, I think that's just a nice premise. And I would almost say that you could go back to that, like, if you wanted to continue that as a premise. Like, what other things did you do from having low self-esteem?

Because also you come up on stage. You're a likable guy. You're not afraid. You took the mic off. Sam, put it over here. I want to know what your low self-esteem is and why you have it and what it's made you do. That's what I find interesting. It took me an hour and a half to put this jacket on.

You know what I mean? Like whatever. You think I just threw on this Jamaica jacket? I have 17 Jamaica jackets. There were different choices I laid out. Pictures were taken. I changed my clothes two or three times a day. I had a sphere. I want to know that about people.

I thought it was really funny. I feel like when you can fill it out, compare the dad thing, and then when you say set, what is that? You know what I mean? Oh, I knew what that was. Exactly you can go which is just

like a gang of niggas. You know like have this moment of explaining. Was there a thing about like you basically your stepdad was like alright fight me and you knocked him out quick right so while your mom was figuring out what. While she was trying to help him figure out what. That happened really really quick and I kind of

feel like take a little bit more time with that, because that's pretty funny. It's more like, so while my mom was mopping up all his blood off the floor, I took his car. Oh, no, see, I think that, I don't think that, I think it was likable, because I thought, like, his dad felt bad or something. I didn't understand, but I just thought it was like, alright, that went weird.

I don't know why. Like, I didn't understand that it was because he beat him up. Yeah, he just knocked him out. Like, I don't think I want to hear about some dude beating his dad. Or, and I think maybe it's if you knocked him out, you're like, to be fair, he was just a small man. It's like, he had no business. He had no business fighting me. He does have one leg. You know, whatever.

God rest his soul, he died that day. You killed him. Oh, man. that day. You killed him. Oh, man. Maybe you could just really hit the nail on the head

and say, you know, he said that if I didn't, if I wanted to join a gang, I'd have to beat him up first. So then I beat the shit out of him.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've never tried so hard at anything. You could try it a bunch of different ways and see which way feels right. If I could apply

the same fervor to which I beat him within an inch of his life to other things, Mike, I'd be a millionaire. It felt like everything I've ever trained for pinnacles in that exact moment. Oh, there was blood everywhere. The next thing you know, my mom's trying to flip back over his wheelchair.

Got so worked up, I beat my mom near death. Right. And then they wouldn't let beat my mom near death. Right. And then they wouldn't let me in the drop-in gang. Do I have to beat your ass too, bitch? No, it's like, I broke my parents' legs for this. Let me in. Let me in your set. But it's really funny, man.

Really funny stuff. Good start. I think get in, but you having self-esteem issues, wanting to get in a gang because of it is a fertile ground, so get more into that. And then also, if they're denying your application, I guess there's room for, and if they're saying, we'll let you know, but they're dismissing you, you could pitch the, come on, man, I beat up my stepdad for this. Give me a chance, man. Sounds like pleading, almost.

Yeah, I punched my mom today. I punched my mom in the face. I've got what it takes. I'll punch everybody's mom. Just let me in. At the end, you're like... Let me try. Please.

At the end, you're like, well, can I get that headshot back? I've got it. I've got it. I'm so good at punching moms. Let me in the gang. Can't believe you would hurt your family to join the gang.

But you know what they say. Blood's thicker than water. Did you try to join an actual gang? My brother actually was in a gang. Does that mean you automatically get in? No, no. Oh, that sucks. Where are you from originally?

You said the South, but where is it? Atlanta. Atlanta? Yeah, yeah. Okay. Cool. Is your brother the one that was like, get out of here, man?

Yeah. That's nice of him. So he was saving you. Yeah. Okay, yeah. Okay. Cool. Is your brother the one that was like, get out of here, man? Yeah. That's nice of him. So he was saving it. Yeah. Okay, cool. I think he's going to kill me now. I just said that. He's in a gang.

I don't think they watch YouTube. You did just put him on. Hey, it was nice talking to you, sir. Get off stage and stop snitching. Danza. Nice job, man. Nice job. Give him a round.

Snitches get podcasts, homie. Snitches get stitches. Follow him on Twitter, jsherlockt. Jonathan Tumblin's been on a few episodes. It's always fun. I like those diamonds he's got on his ears. They look cool.

Yeah, they do look cool. They make his teeth shiny, huh? Yeah, looks good. Heck yeah. Please, this is Phil's uncomfortable. Really twitchy over there. No. No?

I'm not down. I got my hand right here. Do you think piercing your ears is going to come back where we wear diamonds? Remember the little studs guys used to wear them both? I mean, I don't know. I don't think so. That has to come back, right? I mean, I always thought I still did. I don't know that it completely left.

Yeah, they never went away. Harrison Ford's been hanging in there for going on 30 years. Yeah, Harrison Ford's had a hoop forever. No. Eddie Pebbittone has an earring. He does. Oh, he still has a hoop. Yeah, hair supports had a hoop forever. Eddie Pevatone has an earring. He does. Oh, he still has a piercing. That's so weird.

You should get some hoop earrings. You should wear diamonds. You should crush big old hoops. Everyone did it. Like hoops from VH1. Fuck yeah, everybody. Well, let's move on to our final part of the show where we put up our two regulars.

We could do one more. One more? Awesome. How's everybody doing? Everybody's having fun. I feel like this is fun. Everybody's having a blast. Kevin?

Sarah Weinshank, everybody. Sarah Weinshank. What's up, everyone? I went to Ralph's. I felt very average in that moment. Ralph's is never my first choice in supermarkets. It's always Trader Joe's. But I went to Ralph's and I was listening to you two.

Felt very average and shitty. And I thought to myself, thought to myself, if shit doesn't work out, what am I going to do? And I thought to myself, thought to myself, if shit doesn't work out, what am I gonna do? You know? And I'm listening to you, too. I still haven't found what I'm looking for, guys. And it's playing, and I'm thinking, fuck, Sarah.

If push comes to shove, you could be a children's book novelist. That's no one's first choice ever. No one's first dream is like fuck yeah I'm gonna write a book for children like you guys

you will know that shit did not work out for me if you see my face, my head shot and the cover of a book for children about a turtle that loses a tooth that's like my nightmare. Boom. Powerful princess.

Shank. So fucking true, too, right? Like you wrote eight pages. Like, you know, that's not even a paragraph. Yeah, it's like not hard. Hi. Hi. How are you doing?

Good, how are you? I thought that was really funny. You guys know each other? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, we have mutual friends. Yeah. We went to a picnic.

Oh, a cemetery. Yeah, but I didn't have bangs then. Like, I think I'm incognito now that I have bangs. That is such a girl thing to relate. I mean, you saw me, but, like, I didn't have bangs, so, like, it was completely different. Yeah. We're like, I don't know what you're talking about. I like your rhythm.

Yeah. Like, your rhythm is what gets it, because I, like, just, you know what I mean? I feel like rhythm is what gets it. You know what I mean? I feel like that's what it's about. I went to Ralph's. I went to Ralph's. I went to Ralph's. And I felt like the YouTube

stuff, I don't even think, the YouTube stuff, I don't think you need it. I love that YouTube stuff. I'm going to override that. I think it's so funny because you're like, where is she going with the YouTube thing? Also, the supermarket's the only... For the people that know YouTube,

I can tell that that's it. The only place I hear YouTube is at Ralph. I don't hear YouTube any other place anymore. Right, exactly. So it really paints the picture. Which Ralph's did you go to? There's one on... I don't even know

What fucking street it's on Alright relax Sorry Sorry I think it's on La Brea It's like on a corner Yeah yeah It's Rock and Roll Ralphs

Rock and Roll Ralphs Also relax Iron Patriot Yes Everybody gets crazy That's funny though Cause that's Rock and Roll Ralphs

Is open at all times No Rock and Roll Ralphs Is on Sunset you guys That is not Rock and Roll Ralphs Yeah it is It's on La Bre side of the brand. It's one block down from the brand. It's the closest La Brea.

Everyone's yelling about Rouse for the last five minutes. Yeah. I get my burgers there. The thing I thought was when you say a book for children, you're saying they're dumb, but I think it's funnier if you were like, it's not cool to write a book for people who can barely fucking read. Because that's what you're essentially saying. And I think that's almost like a clear, yeah who can barely fucking read. Because that's what you're essentially saying. I think that's almost

like a clear, yeah, it's not hard. Your headshot would not be the cover of the book. It's the back flap. Yeah, good call. Or maybe it's a drawing of you as a cat. The turtle thing is so funny that I was like, that's not going to, you wouldn't have room

for the turtle if your headshot's not. Maybe you have a black and white version of your picture at home by a plant in the back of the book. You know what I mean? Like you see like the, like, you know, by a window sill.

Yeah. Maybe you could dress. Cause it's always like the picture of the author. They're always in a turtleneck. It's true. Like by a plant. It's the same author picture you'd get with like a full size novel, but it's a 12 page book about a turtle.

Yeah. And the thing is, they're not called children's novels though. I mean, you're, you're thinking like a color, like a children's book. It's definitely not a turtle. Yeah. And they're not called children's novels though. I mean you're thinking like a children's book. It's definitely not a novel. Yeah.

But I think it's funny if you say children's novel because it's like what is it about the journey of a turtle? You know like it's just like I think it's funny.

Is it children's war and peace? Yeah. It's only six pages. It's a children's tragedy. It's about yeah. I'm the Tolstoy of children's eight page shitty books about turtles. Yeah I really like your rhythm. Tolstoy of children's eight-page shitty books about turtles.

Yeah, I really like your rhythm. Tolstoy's an author, you guys. You should look it up. I haven't heard it. When you say that you still haven't found what you're looking for, you're talking about in life, you realize that at the grocery store, right?

Yeah. I realize I'm so average. I'm just going to Ralph's listening to Bono. But what were you going to buy? Because it could work as a double banger. Yeah, what are you going to. But what were you going to buy? Because it could work as a double banger. Yeah, what are you going to buy? And you know what? Guess what? You're going to go get sushi. What's the U2 of

food? You know what I mean? Those big poster boards? You know where you have to do like a crap of some kind with a big poster board? Yeah, you're left with like a California roll. You know those Hawaiian rolls? You know those Hawaiian rolls? The bread? Little four-pack.

Oh yeah. Hawaiian bread. And I just bought a four-pack of Hawaiian bread. The King's Hawaiian. Delicious. Rotisserie chicken. Yeah, I think

one rotisserie chicken. Make Ralph's more of a rock bottom. Like what did you do there? Did you get lost? What were you wearing? What time of the day was it? Maybe you're watching

the roasted chicken going around in circles like his life isn't his life isn't that bad. Yeah, generic cereal. Oh, yeah, maybe the music goes with the chicken. You feel like you're attending a one-person funeral for that chicken on the roaster. Yeah, I bought crisps of rice, but I didn't even get Rice Krispies. Really paint the picture because people sort of have all been there.

What about the sad lobsters in the tank at Ralph's? Do they have those at Ralph's? I hate those. I've never seen those at Ralph's. Yeah, you felt like one of the lobsters. You're like, I'm trapped here too, little buddy. You bought all the ingredients. You bought all but one ingredients for brownies.

Yeah, you got all of them. You're like, I forgot the eggs. I forgot the eggs. No! But I can't go back. It's too sad. It's too sad. The one block walk will kill me.

There she goes, everybody. We're running out of time. That's that, Princess It's too sad. The one block walk will kill me. There she goes, everybody. We're running out of time. That's that, Princess Shank. Thank you. Very, very funny. Love you with bangs now. I love your bangs. Grow your bangs out.

Moving on to the final portion of the show, we have two lovely young ladies that have done 60 seconds for the last 23 weeks in a row. They're going to do that again for you here tonight. Put your hands together for Sarah Mostajabi, everybody. Sarah Mostajabi, let her hear it! I was recently called a slut this past week. I wish somebody would have

fucking told me because it's probably a lot cheaper to suck dick than it is to have hobbies. Actually, I'm pretty sure if sucking dick is your hobby, you actually make money. So, I wish that that was the case with me. Unfortunately,

I tend to only date the people that don't pay any attention to me at all. Like, this guy has no respect for me. Maybe I can suck it out of him. But, you know, I don't, you know I don't You know You can think my dad Not hugging me enough

For getting to cum On my face and shit Like that's Anal is only an option Because my parents Never paid attention to me So that's about it Sorry I haven't got a chance

To work through a lot of this That's fine There's a lot of pain There's a lot of pain. There's a lot of pain there. Suck the attention. I wish I wrote it. Suck it out of him. Suck the respect out of him is a banger.

Too much. Too much. Even for me. I'm trying to figure a way to insinuate something like the only reason that I have the issues I have are related to that. You can say that. You don't have to say it. I like that I got called a slut this week.

It was great. It was awesome. I wish I would have fucked a lot more people to get called a slut. The female comic saying I wish I got paid for sucking, that's pretty common. Yeah. You've been wasting all this time sucking dick for free. I feel like I've heard it a lot. Oh,

I feel like I may have written it for a female comedian. It wasn't me. It was not you. But I, I just think, and cause that's not the, the suck the respect out of him is good. So funny.

I think you go, so I got called a slut today. I tend to only date guys that don't respect me. I think I can suck it out of him. Like, Oh yeah, I got called a slut today. I wish it was just from a car.

It was from a guy I'm in love with. Yeah. Yeah. And then you go into the respect thing, and that's super solid. That's tight. And then the thing, like, my parents didn't hold me enough, so I need, like, every stranger to. And you don't need to get as graphic with, like, the cum on the face.

Right. I'm a little. Even for me, it makes me, like, boo. And I say that stuff out loud. It makes me, like, boo. I'm not. Yeah. You let a stranger hold you, and you you're like, are you my dad?

Yeah. Do you want to be? Yeah. Let me suck that respect out of you. You know? Yeah. And he can bring it back. Like, you keep offering it.

Like, do you need me to suck the respect out of you? Yeah. Do you want me to suck the respect out of you? Yeah. Yeah. I like that. Maybe there's something with that anal family thing, too. Like, maybe it's like, you know, like, love hurts or it's like love hurts.

Yeah, love hurts. No fucking kidding. Maybe if they're you know maybe if they would have Love hurts. Love hurts. Sorry, Daddy. Daddy, no. Slower. Oh, I'm sorry. We're still in the air.

No, that's all really funny, Sarah. We're going to keep bumping. We're still in the air. No, that's all really funny, Sarah. We're going to keep bumping. We're running out of time. Good job. Great job. A brand new 60 seconds. Sarah Mostajabi. Follow her on Twitter, at Sarah Dresses.

I do. Sarah's doing so good lately, you know? She's been on a strong run, like a three or four week run. And don't apologize for your shit. I really want to know who her writer is. Brian! That was a Twitter callback. Definitely not.

She still hates me for some reason. Is anybody interested in writing for me? Still giving her an opportunity every week. Can anybody just write for me? Can you guys, can we have a next week's episode? Everybody writes jokes for Jade. It's a circle. Because I'm done.

Yeah, I would love to be able to have somebody write me jokes. Yeah. When does that happen? Like, watch me for a couple weeks, you know, and then just be like, this material fits you perfectly. I'll pay anybody a lot of money. Tell me who wants to do it. Yeah.

That's where I am. Hey, let's just put it out there. I'll pay, for a good joke, I'll pay $10 a joke, guys. Wow. That's not what you get for a fucking joke. That's pretty good. That's so bad. That's so low.

I'll pay $100. I'll pay $100 for one joke. I'm sure you're going to get some great jokes. That's what you get for a one-liner. I think Mugzilla already has a packet for you. You get $100 for a late-night one-liner. What about $1,000? A bitch, $500.

Shut the fuck up, dude. Tony, what do you charge per page? A lot of money. I'm out of control right now. I'm like one of the hot writers in the city. Anyway, put your hands together for Kimberly Congdon, everybody. What's going on, guys?

Things are getting shitty, y'all. Life's getting bad. Bad things are happening and I'm ready to turn it around like i think that we all need to work together and stop these tragedies um first of all i think as long as asian women exist there is never an excuse to molest little girls never like because they're hairless you know like maybe we could start like a renaissance where you put a

little asian woman at the front door and she's wearing a hello kitty outfit and she does the whole to catch a predator like hurrah i made cookies and it'll be good that's one of the things that bothers me and like i'm getting to that age where my friends are having their second kids and they're not having 3d ultrasounds anymore. They're having 4D ultrasounds. And like isn't that just childbirth? You know? Like what is 4D? I don't know.

That's all I have. I'm working on that one. Hell yeah you are. Kimberly Hongden. What's up? Don't like the Asian women thing? You can't do that. The voice?

You cannot do that voice, dude. You can't say heroic. I mean, come on. Angela Johnson, everybody. I don't even know that, but I'm sure she's... That's what I always picture. Do you think it's like anything at all? How many Asian friends do you have?

Not that many. You get one. They don't sound like that. There's an Asian somewhere in here. Not that many and a dwindler. There's one right there. Become friends with him for a week. You won't be able to do that, dude. This is the thing. He doesn't sound like that. There's an agent somewhere in here. Not that many and a dwindler. There's one right there. Become friends with him for a week. You won't be able to do that.

This is the thing. He doesn't want to hang out with her. He just saw her do the Haro thing that he hates. Okay. Okay. This is funny. Your voice, you have this kind of, hi, y'all. I like it.

You talking about things that matter, like all these strategies, y'all. We have to talk about all these people dying you guys yeah that's what's funny that's hilarious the keystone pipeline is actually

a really dangerous environmental disaster like diamonds are gross you guys I actually don't buy diamonds because like so many black children

die from it it could be totally a backbone of your entire yeah that's like your character it's really funny do you guys even

realize the level of pollution that comes from your lithium battery yeah yeah yeah that's like just like just start with them just start with something like that You guys even realize the level of pollution that comes from your lithium battery? Yeah. Just start with them. Just start with something like that. There's like a coltan crisis in Uganda right now. There can always be a new article that you read.

You guys think you can recycle all your lotion bottles? You can't. Have you ever heard of the North Pacific Garbage Patch? There's like a garbage island, you guys. And like, I thought regular Texas was bad,

but that's made out of plastic. Yeah, it's really funny. I was talking to this Asian guy, and he was like, I'm not even going to say what it was. Yeah, I think it's funnier to play dumb rather than make a racist voice. Talk like that more. Are we saying that she should do her whole

entire act like this? I think her voice, I think you should take that character on. I think you should take notes of what's funny about that front end part of it and work on that constantly. Maybe start off like, you know, sometimes I listen to myself, you know, my voice, I don't like because I feel like I'm just like this.

Yeah, that's the voice. Everyone hates their own voice. So like when you hear your own voice, like this is what I sound like in my head. When I try to say something smart, what I'm just like this. Yeah, that's the voice. Everyone hates their own voice. So when you hear your own voice, this is what I sound like in my head. When I try to say something smart, what I sound like is this. We're out of time. Thank you so much. You're out of time. Thank you.

Good job. At Kimberly Congdon. Yeah! At Kim Congdon on Twitter. At Kimberly Congdon. She changed it, and then she brought it back. What is it?

It's my name. Kimberly Congdon. That's, as always, Congdon, C-O-N-G-D-O-N. I'm going to Toronto all week. Jade, what's going on? What do you guys want to promote? Jade and Kevin.

I'm going to be in New Orleans next week for the Hell Yes Festival on the Gotham with Bobby Lee in New York. Yes. The week after that. I'm going to be in Austin and San Antonio 23-24 with Whitney Cummings and also watch me on Masters of Sex. Yeah. That's at Kevin Christie on Twitter. That's at the Jade. That's Kevin G. Christie on Twitter.

Oh, wow. You weren't the first Kevin Christie. Yeah, I wasn't. At the Jade Movie on Twitter. At Comic Patriot. Sarah Dresses. Yeah. Kimberly Congdon.

I'm Tony Hinchcliffe. Brian. I'll be in San Francisco at the Punchline with Dean Del Rey November 20th. And then San Jose, a huge death squad show at the Improv, the San Jose Improv. Believe it or not, there's still Golden Pony t-shirts available at TonyHinchcliffe.com. They didn't sell out yet. Everybody should buy one. Bye, guys.

You're awesome. Thank you. The Perfect Trial The Perfect Trial